BunchOBlokes Discussion Guide: How to be a Good Husband – Part 1 1

Series 2.2 Discussion Guide

How to be a
Good Husband – Part 1
BoB’s LAST STEP : 2.1 “GOLDEN RULE – LOVE”

The Goal:
The ultimate goal of BunchOBlokes is that men will discover, accept and celebrate their
individual uniqueness and personal value and will encourage one another to be transformed to
live a full and satisfying life.

Series 2 - Good Husband:

We believe that the ethical code of loving our neighbor as ourselves, which we identify as the
Golden Rule, is the one necessary and sufficient condition that enables us to reach the BOB:MBM
goal, when it is properly understood and applied in real life. If this is so, it is important that we
are able to explain to ourselves how to use this simple but very demanding principle in our daily
lives.
For those in a marriage, this series will discuss how the Golden Rule can be applied in practical
ways, to love and cherish our wives as promised. For those not in a relationship at the moment –
we can only hope that it will gives these blokes a head start for their future.

© Copyright 2017 BunchOBlokes: Men Building Men www.bunchOblokes.org Revision date: 20/01/2017
BunchOBlokes leaders exercise humility and patience, recognising that we have as much to receive as to impart. We do not seek to
control, but treat everyone as we would like to be treated, being quick to listen and slow to speak with a strong mind and a light heart,
knowing that the grace we have received is the grace we have to give. Extract from the BoB Goals and Values statement .

 BunchOBlokes Discussion Guide: How to be a Good Husband – Part 1 2

The Aim of this Guide:
Many people are kept from this ultimate goal by unhappy marriages, because they have
unconsciously embarked on a transactional relationship based upon unrealistic expectations
that they do not know how to change for the better. So let’s talk.

Marital Bliss?
I haven’t come across anyone who plans to get married someday, or who is actually preparing
for marriage, that doesn’t desire, or expect, that their marriage will last for a lifetime and
substantially improve their enjoyment of life. However, as much as couples hope for a great
marriage, statistics show that around one third of those who get married in Australia will
become so unhappy and dissatisfied with each other that they will eventually permanently
separate or divorce.
People know instinctively that there
is nothing better in life than to love
and be loved. The vast majority of
couples who get married do so
because they believe marriage will
provide them with the greatest
opportunity to give and receive
love. However, those of us who are
married know only too well that
marital bliss is not a given, and that
it takes hard work and perseverance
to achieve any level of success in a
marriage relationship.
Even if we accept that we need to
invest heavily in our marriage to
make it work, how do we actually do that? What can we as husbands do to give our marriage the
best chance of success?
How do we not only survive but actually thrive in marriage? What does it take to be a good
husband?
Picture a young married couple. They are a few months into their new life together. The husband
arrives home from work one night and his wife is already home. As he walks in the door he asks his
wife how her day has been. She says “I had a rotten day, I got into a big argument with someone in
my office and my boss has just loaded heaps of extra work on me.” “Oh that’s no good”, the husband
says as he walks into the living room and turns on the TV to catch the beginning of the footy game his
team is playing that night. His wife comes into the room a little later and asks, “What are we going to
do about dinner?” The husband, whose turn it was to cook dinner, replies, “Aw, let’s just order some
pizza.”
Later that night, after his team wins the footy, the husband is pretty keen for some celebratory sex, so
he makes all the moves that usually work. But he gets no response at all. After becoming even more
obvious with still no success, he finally asks, “What’s wrong?” It is like the husband has opened a
floodgate of vitriol. “I have just had one of the worst days of my life and you don’t even care. I tried to
tell you but your football is obviously more important than me...”
© Copyright 2017 BunchOBlokes: Men Building Men www.bunchOblokes.org Revision date: 20/01/2017
BunchOBlokes leaders exercise humility and patience, recognising that we have as much to receive as to impart. We do not seek to
control, but treat everyone as we would like to be treated, being quick to listen and slow to speak with a strong mind and a light heart,
knowing that the grace we have received is the grace we have to give. Extract from the BoB Goals and Values statement .

 BunchOBlokes Discussion Guide: How to be a Good Husband – Part 1 3

After delivering a litany of things that

are wrong with her husband, the wife
turns the bedside light off and makes it
abundantly clear that there is going to
be no sex tonight! The husband lies
there fuming, “She knows how much I
love my footy, how many opportunities
do I have to watch live games. I asked
her how her day went, surely that
shows I care…” Before falling asleep
the husband manages to recall a
whole heap of examples of how he has
done the right thing for his wife and
why he deserves better from her.

Unrealistic Expectations
Many young couples enter marriage with the expectation that all their needs will be met by their
partner. High on the list of the husband’s expectations is unlimited, on-demand sex. The wife is
thrilled that she has finally found someone who loves her, really understands her and will do
anything to provide for her needs. She expects her husband to be there for her whenever she
needs companionship, to be someone who will listen to her, someone who will just hug her and
show her affection and love because of who she is and not just to get sex. She even expects her
husband to go clothes shopping with her and take a genuine interest in what she tries on!

Unrealistic expectations generally derive from a sequence of wrong beliefs: that our marriages
are going to be ideal; that real (and imagined) needs will be easily met without adjustment,
compromise and sacrifice; that both marriage partners can extract all they need out of the
marriage without putting anything in.

© Copyright 2017 BunchOBlokes: Men Building Men www.bunchOblokes.org Revision date: 20/01/2017
BunchOBlokes leaders exercise humility and patience, recognising that we have as much to receive as to impart. We do not seek to
control, but treat everyone as we would like to be treated, being quick to listen and slow to speak with a strong mind and a light heart,
knowing that the grace we have received is the grace we have to give. Extract from the BoB Goals and Values statement .

 BunchOBlokes Discussion Guide: How to be a Good Husband – Part 1 4

A lack of understanding and objectivity about what we have experienced in our families also
contributes much to what we believe and expect. If we have been raised in an environment with
a poor model of marriage then that will be the model we predominantly draw on for our own
marriage relationship.
All of these factors contribute to a false sense of entitlement resulting in excessive demands that
can never be met, ultimately leading to disappointment, resentment and fear.

Let’s continue the story… a couple nights after the sexual rejection experience the husband decides it
is time to try for sex again, but this time he asks his wife to talk about her day and her situation at
work. She prattles on for ages explaining the various relational complexities at the office. Her
husband doesn’t pay much attention to what she is saying and is actually pretty peeved that he is
missing his favourite show on TV. But he persists in the one-way conversation hoping that he will be
rewarded with sex later that night. Sure enough, when he makes the moves he gets the desired
response, although his wife really doesn’t seem that keen about the sex.

Transactional Relationships
Unfortunately, what this young couple is developing is a transactional relationship, one in which
the focus is on getting needs met through a crude form of bargaining.
I reckon the reason marriages are failing on such a large scale is because couples are operating
on relational principals that are driven by fear rather than love. If our priority in marriage is to
have all our needs met by our partner, then our marriage will soon become a ‘relational
competition’ with affection, sex, communication, affirmation and companionship traded as
bargaining chips to buy what we need from our spouse. We end up only giving to our partner out
of fear that they won’t give to us.

Because there is the unrealistic expectation that all our individual needs will be met by our
marriage partner, as a husband and wife fail to meet the needs of their spouse, each becomes
© Copyright 2017 BunchOBlokes: Men Building Men www.bunchOblokes.org Revision date: 20/01/2017
BunchOBlokes leaders exercise humility and patience, recognising that we have as much to receive as to impart. We do not seek to
control, but treat everyone as we would like to be treated, being quick to listen and slow to speak with a strong mind and a light heart,
knowing that the grace we have received is the grace we have to give. Extract from the BoB Goals and Values statement .

 BunchOBlokes Discussion Guide: How to be a Good Husband – Part 1 5

more disappointed and disillusioned. Eventually, one or both of the marriage partners begin to
withdraw or hold back the things that meet the needs of their partner, usually in retaliation for
not having their own needs met. A power play ensues, with each partner either giving only so
they can get something in return, or withholding something so that they can punish their
partner for not giving them what they need. The end result of this ‘need-bartering’ is a
relationship of fear, where each gives to meet their partner’s needs motivated by the fear of not

having their own needs met, rather than being driven by a passionate desire to meet their
partner’s needs. Bartering for need gratification is not a good way to run a marriage.

Golden Rule Relationships

Although transactional relationships can work to some degree, and may not necessarily lead to
total marriage failure, they are clearly not the ideal. A marriage based on fear-driven negotiation
is going to end up being a loveless marriage because true love cannot be bought or sold. Love
only makes sense when it is freely given with no conditions attached. Consider the words in
Song of Solomon, “If a man tried to buy love with everything he owned, his offer would be
utterly despised.”

As has been explained in other discussion guides, at BunchOBlokes we believe that The Golden
Rule – do for others as you would have them do for you - is the key to meaningful, fulfilling and
long-lasting relationships and ultimate satisfaction in life. As opposed to reciprocity – you scratch
my back and I’ll scratch yours – the Golden Rule prescribes that we give to others proactively, and
not in response to what they have done, or can do, for us. At BoB we believe the Golden Rule is
the highest and most efficacious ethical principle to foster healthy human relationships.

© Copyright 2017 BunchOBlokes: Men Building Men www.bunchOblokes.org Revision date: 20/01/2017
BunchOBlokes leaders exercise humility and patience, recognising that we have as much to receive as to impart. We do not seek to
control, but treat everyone as we would like to be treated, being quick to listen and slow to speak with a strong mind and a light heart,
knowing that the grace we have received is the grace we have to give. Extract from the BoB Goals and Values statement .

 BunchOBlokes Discussion Guide: How to be a Good Husband – Part 1 6

A marriage relationship based upon
Golden-Rule love, has a richness and
depth to it that is glaringly absent from a
transactional relationship. Through
healthy self-awareness we perceive what
our core needs are and what we would
like others to do for us, and then we go
and do those things for others with no
guarantee of receiving anything in return.
This is obviously a great ideal, but in
marriage how do we achieve this level of
self-awareness and then put aside our
own needs enough to give to our spouse
without expecting or demanding that
they reciprocate?

Stepping outside of selfish behaviour – which is the norm in our

culture – to seek and accept alternate values and models of
relationships, is not easy, and it is not something we can do on our
own. This is why BunchOBlokes exists, to wrestle with the “stuff”
of life together, cut through the crap (both ours and the world’s),
to be honest with each other, to fail together and know it is okay,
but to also help each other to be better – better husbands, better
fathers, better men.

Consider the following questions for yourself and for your group. Some of these will appear on
the Discussion Starter.
Questions:

Q. Is it reasonable to expect all our physical and emotional needs be met by

our marriage partner?

Q. How do you feel when your needs aren’t met by your wife?

© Copyright 2017 BunchOBlokes: Men Building Men www.bunchOblokes.org Revision date: 20/01/2017
BunchOBlokes leaders exercise humility and patience, recognising that we have as much to receive as to impart. We do not seek to
control, but treat everyone as we would like to be treated, being quick to listen and slow to speak with a strong mind and a light heart,
knowing that the grace we have received is the grace we have to give. Extract from the BoB Goals and Values statement .

 BunchOBlokes Discussion Guide: How to be a Good Husband – Part 1 7

Q. What models of marriage do you have to draw on?

Q. What expectations drive your marriage?

Q. To what degree is your marriage relationship transactional?

Q. Do you think transactional relationships can work in the long run? Why or
why not?

Q. What are the advantages of a Golden Rule marriage relationship?

Q. What are the disadvantages or major challenges of such a relationship?

YOUR NOTES:

Written by David Wraight

BoB’s NEXT STEP : 2.3 “HOW TO BE A

GOOD HUSBAND – PART 2”

© Copyright 2017 BunchOBlokes: Men Building Men www.bunchOblokes.org Revision date: 20/01/2017
BunchOBlokes leaders exercise humility and patience, recognising that we have as much to receive as to impart. We do not seek to
control, but treat everyone as we would like to be treated, being quick to listen and slow to speak with a strong mind and a light heart,
knowing that the grace we have received is the grace we have to give. Extract from the BoB Goals and Values statement .

 BunchOBlokes Discussion Guide: How to be a Good Husband – Part 1 8

Feedback for How to be a Good Husband Pt 1

Leaders, please get a response to the following questions from your group and
post your summary along with your comments and suggestions on the
BunchOBlokes website.

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means that the topic was a waste of time)
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Discussion
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Problems
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Suggestions for Improvement

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© Copyright 2017 BunchOBlokes: Men Building Men www.bunchOblokes.org Revision date: 20/01/2017
BunchOBlokes leaders exercise humility and patience, recognising that we have as much to receive as to impart. We do not seek to
control, but treat everyone as we would like to be treated, being quick to listen and slow to speak with a strong mind and a light heart,
knowing that the grace we have received is the grace we have to give. Extract from the BoB Goals and Values statement .