Art Students 1/26/2022 at 3:43pm

Cast: OFFICER WIMBLE, PEANUT, DEVIN, JELLY, POET, CLARICE,

FOSSE, PATRICK, NED.
INT. CLASSROOM
A class of students sit in a classroom, visibly distressed.
OFFICER WIMBLE paces in front of them.
WIMBLE
Alright kids, why don't you tell
Officer Wimble what happened?
PEANUT
Oh, it was horrible. We were all
here working on our next.
masterpieces when this guy comes
in with a gun, screaming "give
me your money, give it to me now!"
WIMBLE
Well, I'm here to help. Do any of
you have any recollection of what
this intruder looked like?
PEANUT
I'm not very good with
descriptions, so I drew a picture.
WIMBLE
A picture?
DEVIN
We all did! We're art students,
it's what we do!
WIMBLE
Great! This will save the
department some money on sketch
artists. Since art is your craft,
I'm sure we'll be able to find
that criminal ASAP!
PEANUT
Alright! My artistic studies are
focused on realism. I see the
world, I capture it. Reality finds
its way through my veins and
transfers itself through my pen
and onto the page.

Peanut reveals their drawing, which consists of a crayon

stick figure with bulging eyes standing with a stick-gun in
hand. In the corner of the portrait is an uneven crayon sun.
Art Students 1/26/2022 at 3:43pm
2.

PEANUT
Well, you saw it here first! Go
find that criminal and bring
justice to our campus!
WIMBLE
I, uh, it's...it's not good. Isn't
your focus on realism? That's a
stick figure. The head is a
circle, he--is that a corner sun?
We're inside!
PEANUT
Hey, I worked hard on this!
WIMBLE
Work harder. I'm gonna have to
move on.
JELLY
Well I've got better art than
that, I promise you. Their drawing
had no feeling, no life
connection, and that's just not
what art is about.

Jelly reveals their drawing: a single, diagonal line. Peanut

cackles.

WIMBLE
What am I supposed to do with
this?!

JELLY
I'm an abstract artist. I capture
feelings, auras.

WIMBLE
"Feelings and auras"? It's just
two lines! You can't help me.
(to Devin)
Oh boy, alright, let's get this
over with.
DEVIN
Oh. Don't expect much. I didn't
grow up in a wealthy artistic
environment like these guys did. I
just did some doodles on Tumblr,
gained a minor following and
followed my dreams. But I haven't
gotten very far.
Art Students 1/26/2022 at 3:43pm
3.

WIMBLE
Believe me, my standards are on
the floor.

Devin reveals the drawing, and it's a bizarre anime-style

sexy portrayal of the criminal, with wide sparkling eyes
above a mousy mustache, emphasized breasts, fishnets, and
high heels. There's a caption in the margins.

WIMBLE
(angrily reading the caption)
"You? Wanna handcuff me? Well, I
did bweak the law. I-I'm sowwy"?
Oh my God this is so much worse
than I ever could have expected!
DEVIN
I'd be lying if I said I haven't
been making one of you, too. Would
you like to see it?

WIMBLE
No! What is your problem, you
(horny) little freak? Does no one
here have a good, realistic
portrayal of the intruder?
In rapid fire, multiple students in the class stand up to
show off their ridiculous police sketches.

POET
I'm a poet: "Oh armed stranger,
you put me in danger."

Snaps :)

FOSSE
And I choreographed an
interpretive dance.
(dances violently)
PATRICK
I made a vase.

WIMBLE
ENOUGH! ENOUGH! No more! Whatever
education you all are paying for
is not worth it! Art is dead, it's
dead, and you killed it!
(to Student 4)
I don't even want to see your
drawing.
Art Students 1/26/2022 at 3:43pm
4.

NED
Oh, I didn't draw, I'm a
photography student.
WIMBLE
This whole time I've been staring
at these silly cartoons and you're
just now telling me you have a
photo of the intruder?

Ned nods.

WIMBLE
Well, show it to me, quick!

Ned reveals the picture. The criminal is in the photo, but

the ceiling light behind his head casts his entire face into
shadow. The picture is also intentionally blurry, and Ned's
hand is lingering above the lens sprinkling confetti in an
"artsy" fashion, obscuring the criminal's face.

WIMBLE
(slapping forehead, defeated)
Let's move on from the sketches,
maybe? What did the intruder take?

NED
Hm? Oh, he didn't take anything.
We're art students, we're broke.