Conflict De-Escalation

Recognizing and Removing Biases

JEFF: Hi, everyone! I’m Jeff Havens, and recently I got into an argument with somebody. They didn’t
like the way I was about to do something – doesn’t matter what it was, but I will say it involved panda
bears and a lasso – and they said so. So I told them they were wrong, then cut them off when they tried
to say whatever silly little thing they were going to say – and it made things worse! And the more I tried
to hammer home how unbelievably right I was, the worse things got.

And if that’s ever happened to you, and I’m sure is has, then it might help to learn how to recognize and
remove any biases you may have before entering into a difficult or potentially contentious conversation,
or even when a seemingly normal conversation starts to spin out of control. Put simply, you can’t hope
to de-escalate a situation if you assume a position of superiority or authority. Acting like you know
everything or that yours is the only right way to think is a great way to create problems where none
needed to exist – or, in my case, to get yourself uninvited from a vacation three days before your
scheduled flight back home. Which made it really awkward when I didn’t leave.

JEFF (V.O.): Thankfully, you can start to recognize your own biases simply by asking yourself a few basic
questions. And probably the most important of them is this one: Are you determined to be right? If the
answer is yes, then you’re almost certainly entering into conversations with some implicit biases that
will make conflict more likely.

KATIE: I don’t understand why you won’t let me make a trip to Des Moines. I’m going to lose this sale; I
could close it if I were there in person.

ADAM: Don’t need to waste your time, or our money. Carson always sounds wishy-washy before he
pulls the trigger on a big purchase. He’ll come around.

KATIE: I don’t know, he just –

ADAM: Trust me, I’ve worked with him for seven years. I know what I’m talking about.

JEFF: I know what I’m talking about. Uh, maybe. Or maybe you’re a big giant blowhard and have no
idea what you’re talking about – that’s possible too – but any response to that ‘I know what I’m talking
about’ is guaranteed to escalate the situation. The goal of de-escalation should always be to find a
solution. It’s not about being right, or proving a point, or gaining an advantage over a customer or co-
worker.
JEFF (V.O.): Next up, Do you assume you know what the other person is thinking? If you’ve already
decided why someone is acting the way they are, or if you think you know what they are about to say,
you’ll almost certainly create the perfect conditions for a big fat, juicy argument.

ADAM: Hey, how are you?

KATIE (sarcastically): Livin’ the dream!

ADAM: Look, I know you’re upset about losing the Stevens bid, but these things happen.

KATIE: It has nothing to do with –

ADAM: Yes it does. Look, it’s OK. I feel the same way every time I lose a bid.

KATIE (snaps): You don’t know what you’re talking about, OK?

JEFF: You know what? She’s right. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He just thinks he does,
which would be adorable if it weren’t so annoying. Simply put, you can’t know everything impacting
another person’s life unless you ask them, and you might not even know it all then. You can’t get an
accurate read on a situation when you start ascribing your own feelings and judgments to someone else.
And you can’t de-escalate a conflict when you try to play both sides of it. Eventually, the other team’s
going to get mad and go home. And then you’ll be forced to play badminton by yourself. Which may or
may not be something I’ve experienced, and which may or may not look exactly as sad as it sounds.

JEFF (V.O.): And last on our list of questions to help you recognize any biases you might be bringing into
your conversations with others – Are you getting emotional? You’re not likely to have calm and rational
conversations with others if you’re not calm and rational yourself.

KATIE (not looking up): Hey, you got the presentation ready for this afternoon?

ADAM: No, I don’t, OK? And I don’t need to. It’s this afternoon, I’ll get it done.

KATIE: Are you sure you –

ADAM: Get off my back, OK? I said I’ll get it done.

JEFF: Feels good, doesn’t it? Nothing like watching people argue to make you want to do literally
anything else. At least, that’s me. Maybe you’re different. And now you know how to escalate any
conversation you want to, if, you know, that’s your thing. But on the off-chance you would prefer to
reduce any tension or potential argument, what should you do?

CUT TO: GRAPHIC. Left side says ‘Potential Biases’, and on the right side a title that says ‘Strategies for
Overcoming Biases’. Underneath the left is the first bullet point – Too focused on ‘being right’ Then the
following appears beneath the right side – Let others speak, and actually listen

KATIE: I don’t understand why you won’t let me make a trip to Des Moines. I’m going to lose this sale; I
could close it if I were there in person.

ADAM: I’m just not sure you would. Carson always sounds wishy-washy before he pulls the trigger on a
big purchase. Why do you think it’ll make a difference?

KATIE: Well I’m not sure it will either, but it’s a $50,000 contract. I think that’s worth a $400 plane
ticket. Pretty low risk on our end.

ADAM: Yeah, maybe.

CUT TO: GRAPHIC screen. New bias appears on the left side – Assume you know everything. Strategy
then appears on the right side – Let others speak (noticing a pattern here?) – even if they just need to
vent

ADAM (when KATIE walks in): Hey, how are you?

KATIE (sarcastically): Livin’ the dream!

ADAM: That wasn’t convincing.

KATIE: I just – My car wouldn’t start this morning, I barely got here, I’m going to have to take it in. And
my son is failing chemistry. I’ve been paying for a tutor for four months, and he’s getting an F.

ADAM: I’m sorry. That’s no fun. I’m sure losing the Stevens bid doesn’t help.

KATIE (sighs): Oh, whatever, that’s just part of it. We’ll get the next one. Sorry for unloading on you
there.

ADAM: Don’t be. We all need to vent sometimes. You ready to work, or do you need more time?

KATIE: No, I’m good.

CUT TO: GRAPHIC screen. New bias appears on the left side – Overly emotional. Strategy then appears
on the right side – Take a break and return when you have a handle on your emotions
KATIE (not looking up): Hey, you got the presentation ready for this afternoon?

ADAM: No, I – (stops, takes a deep breath). Sorry, I’m just a little stressed. I’m still putting together the
final touches. It’ll be ready.

KATIE: OK. Do you want some help with it?

ADAM (another deep breath): Actually, yeah, that’d be great.

JEFF: As you can see, there are multiple ways to de-escalate a situation, but every strategy has one
quality in common – empathy. Conversations tend to become tense and combative when one party
doesn’t feel heard, which means de-escalation is most likely when you are able to put yourself in
someone else’s shoes, understand their concerns, and respond calmly, peacefully, and respectfully.
That simply isn’t possible if you aren’t letting others have their say, or aren’t listening to what they say,
or are too emotional to have a calm and peaceful conversation. The more empathetic you become, the
fewer biases you’ll bring with you into your interactions with others, and the smoother those
interactions will be. Thanks for watching, and have a great day. Oh, and one more thing. Do not try to
lasso a panda bear. Turns out I was wrong, they do not like it. I thought they were peaceful creatures…