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was to be. I was getting closer to Rose and her angered thoughts; I looked at the small clock on the dashboard, it was too early to go back, I sighed and pulled into the drive. Oh here he is, the wretched idiot. Selfish stupid boy; we could all suffer because of this. Her anger caused me to wince as her thoughts strayed toward my shiny Aston Martin. I knew it, whenever she was angry, her first thought would always be my car. I rested my hand on the door handle and, after composing myself, entered the threshold. Welcome home Edward. Emmet¶s voice drifted through my head. I don¶t know how long I can hold her down. I bit back a slight smile and walked into the dining room where everyone was sitting at the table waiting for me. A slight crease had formed on Carlisle¶s forehead and his thoughts were jumping through the pros and cons of Bella¶s knowledge, Esme watched him with concern, however her mind screamed in excitement. If it wasn¶t for the presences of Jasper and Rose, this discussion could have been a debate about some trivial matter. However Jasper looked straight at me and glared, he was sat next to Alice, who had wrapped her arm around his in an attempt to calm him. I don¶t like this. You¶ve caused us problems, but Alice seems to agree with you and I cannot go against her on this. I nodded at him in thanks, but his glare and Rosalie¶s ugly expression still gave the impression that this was some kind of intervention. I sighed again as Rose¶s thoughts screeched at me causing my eyes to squint. Emmet laid his hand on her shoulder, which she pushed off almost instantly in irritation to which he shrugged and laid back in his chair. ³Edward, please sit so that we can discuss this.´ I was seated before Carlisle finished his sentence, hasty to keep him happy. I wanted to speak first, before Rose could voice the words which were penetrating my own thoughts like sharp needles, but this time I wasn¶t apologising. ³I know that this has caused risk, and I understand why there may be negative feelings about this, but I do not feel any regret that she knows.´ I suddenly felt like a small child, who had done something naughty and refused to admit it. Rose¶s facial expression went from anger to outright fury; she spoke so fast that there was no reason to read her thoughts. The swear words had ceased and she was now scoffing my intentions. ³How could you!´ She spat across the table, ³We might have to move again!´ ³Now Rose, it will not come to that just yet.´ Carlisle interrupted, his brow still furrowed. ³Still!´ Rose¶s voice was high pitched, full of anger, a human¶s voice would have broken. ³You told her! Did you not think of the consequences? No! Of course not! You just threw caution into the wind like you did when you allowed yourself to fall for the weak human.´ She sniffed, and my throat burned in anger as I snarled; only Emmet¶s voice stopped me from springing out of the chair that I was planted in.
³Isn¶t that a little harsh? What¶s done is done. We need to discuss how to deal with it. We can¶t change it.´ ³Besides Rose, he didn¶t tell her.´ Alice had stood at Rosalie¶s words and Jasper¶s arm had tightened around hers. ³She got the idea from a Quileute boy.´ Alice¶s thoughts ran wild and I noticed the corner of her mouth as it appeared to twitch slightly. Carlisle¶s eyes snapped up from the table to look at Alice. ³The Quileutes?´ They broke the treaty? ³No Carlisle.´ I broke in, ³It was a young boy, Bella asked him about the myths and why we weren¶t allowed down to La Push. I don¶t think he knew it was a true story.´ Carlisle¶s face relaxed, Rose¶s mouth opened slightly to continue, but he raised a hand. ³I think this might have worked out for the better. Both Edward and Alice believe she will not tell anyone, and so far she has proved that to be the case spectacularly.´ He looked up at me, his face serious. ³However, this means there is a lot of pressure on you now, if anything goes wrong, it¶s something you are going to have to fix.´ He thought for a moment before finishing. ³I think we should meet at some point. I am interested about her as an exception to you. I would like to know more.´ It was clear that Rose couldn¶t handle the direction of this anymore. She stood up, standing taller than Alice and looking down at my face. ³I can¶t ignore this!´ She growled. ³What about our secret? What about our pact with the Quileutes? Even if that boy did break it, as far as they know it¶s still very much in tact. What if Edward doesn¶t get a chance to eat one day and slips up? How are you going to hide that from the Quileutes? And if that doesn¶t happen, what are we going to do about them? They won¶t see Edward¶s infatuation with his food as mitigating circumstances! The Volturi will kill us all for allowing it!´ Her eyes flashed in anger as Carlisle shook his head. ³We will deal with the Volturi if and when they find out about this, but for now, Rose I must ask you to allow this.´ Carlisle then stood and left the room, Esme following. Alice smiled and took Jasper¶s hand, whose thoughts had softened since I had walked in and Emmet looked concerned at Rosalie as she slumped back into her chair, her arms folded and her bottom lip protruding slightly. Emmet sighed. Like a small spoilt child who has been told she can¶t have her pony. I couldn¶t help but laugh at Emmet¶s shocking thought. He smirked at me but immediately hid the smile when he saw Rose looking between himself and me. ³And what, may I ask, is so terribly amusing?´ She directed the question at me, so I felt I should answer without dropping Emmet in it. ³Nothing dear sister, Emmet just allowed himself to remember our fake conversation in Spanish today. But I will allow him to explain the details as I am going out.´ ³Off to get a little snack are you?´ She sneered. I walked away without a word.
It was only eleven. I didn¶t usually go to Bella¶s until at least twelve, however tonight she was already sleeping, though not soundly. She repeated my name over and over turning this way and that, her tangled web of hair stuck to the back of her neck. Tonight, my emotions got the better of me, and I walked over to her and placed my hand on the back of her neck in an attempt to cool her. The heat from her skin against my hand would have made my heart stop if it wasn¶t already dead. Instead, the heat consumed me. She groaned and called my name again, I quickly removed my hand as she rolled onto her back. I stood for a moment, staring. I watched her chest rise and fall, her collar bones following suit. Her lips were full and slightly parted and a stray clump of hair had got stuck to the side of her face. As I removed the hair and tucked it behind her ear I felt a spark of electricity. I looked at my hand and looked back at her warm soft glowing skin. The electricity hit me like I was in a wind tunnel. I couldn¶t do anything but stare at her beautiful face as my body seemed to vibrate with electricity. I stepped back and decided to look at her books, crouching down I vaguely scanned. She had quite a few books I had enjoyed. I saw the book she had been reading before and reached out to pull it down, before pausing and suddenly realising it had gone very quiet. My head snapped toward the bed where Bella had just sat upright. I couldn¶t see her face but she sighed, wiped her forehead and collapsed back into her pillows with a loud huff.
Until she fell asleep again I remained a rock; no breathing, no movement. I, the vampire, who could sit in a crouched position for hours without moving and still change position without achy legs and knees which crack. I had no need to strain either. I had decided to sit back in the rocking chair but found myself staring at her quiet face, her lips had parted again, and although every time I had been here I had thought of all the different things I could do to this girl and caused myself unnecessary excitement, yet avoided it, I suddenly didn¶t want to avoid this. I wanted to kiss her. I took two very meaningful steps forward and brought my face in close to hers, my nose almost touching hers. The heat and electricity emanated out of her skin and washed over me. I parted my own lips and breathed her scent in, my throat burning so much I wanted to scream. I stood sharply up. No. I had promised that it was all down to her from now on. She would always have the choice. ³Edward?´ I darted up the wall to the ceiling, my fingers gripping myself on the cupboard and my foot on her tall shelving unit, holding my body flat, my back brushing the ceiling as she sat up straight in bed and turned her light on to look around her room, wiping her forehead and sighing again. The sound was beautiful. An angel could not make a sigh sound so beautiful. I silently laughed at my earlier pretentious view of myself as her guardian vampire. Silly. She didn¶t need a guardian angel. She was an angel. She was my angel. My strange, backward thinking, clumsy angel. I watched through from above as she whispered to herself. ³Another dream.´ She laid back into her pillows and stared at the ceiling; inches away from my shadow, I backed myself into a slow silent crouch, crawling down quietly to the floor, each shelf at a time. Bella started to toss and turn again. I stared at her, my heart warm. She dreams of me so
often, it seems. I opened the window and sat on the window sill. Allowing myself a quick escape route if she awoke again and she was so hot that the fresh air would probably do her the good. She awoke many times more during the night, but when she was still I continued to stare finding myself enticed by her beauty. I was so distracted that it took me a moment to realise that the strange mirror ball effect that was appearing on the walls was me, due to the direct sunlight caused by the sunrise. I had to leave. I walked to her bed and kissed her forehead; I would at least allow myself that. Her skin burned my lips and the monster I had suppressed so well for so long made its presence known by bounding around inside me in an excited dog like fashion. I left then, closing the window behind me. I couldn¶t allow Alice¶s vision become a reality.
I waited round the corner of Bella¶s house, waiting for Charlie to leave. I had left early and couldn¶t wait to see her, to speak to her. To interrogate her with my own questions, which she, of course, would be forced to answer. I had to concentrate a little hard to pick up Charlie Swan¶s thoughts, but once I found them I got to see her. She was frowning as her father asked her about the girls choice dance, but her face softened as Charlie looked at his plate, where a half eaten fried egg lay looking back at me. I sighed. Well I suppose eggs aren¶t like everyday food. Charlie finished off the egg. His head full of negative thoughts about how maybe Bella wasn¶t fitting in at school. Did she ask a boy and he say no? No. That¶s not like Isabella. She probably just wanted to keep to herself. I don¶t like this Seattle idea though. Not on her own in a big city. His thoughts continued as he waved goodbye to Bella and even after he had driven out of sight. I pulled my car into her driveway and hesitated, should I get out and knock on the door? I looked up at the big house and was greeted by Bella¶s smiling face in the window. I stared out the windscreen as I heard her footsteps tumble down the stairs of her house. As she sat in the car next to me I greeted her and searched her face for signs of harm she may have caused herself in the twenty minutes of which she had been alone without me. ³How are you today?´ ³Good, thank you.´ She seemed to be bubbly and pleased to see me. This pleased me, but the dark circles under her eyes did not. Was it dreaming of me that caused her to suffer so? ³You look tired.´ ³I couldn¶t sleep.´ ³Neither could I.´ I laughed internally at my own joke as I turned the key in the ignition and she laughed. ³I guess that¶s right. I suppose I slept just a little bit more than you did.´ ³I¶d wager you did.´ I knew exactly how much she had slept, this conversation amused me. ³So, what did you do last night?´ I knew it. She was trying again. Still amused I laughed at her. ³Not a chance. It¶s my day to ask questions.´
She really doesn¶t conform. But I really did want to know. which were obscured by a piece of hair. I reached into the CD compartment of my car and pulled out my copy of Hybrid Theory. like warm melted chocolate. Her taste in music made me smile. or so I thought. rocks. ³Sure. I had forgotten. She liked the dry.´ She complained. ³You¶re right. ³What music is in your CD player right now?´ For some reason she blushed. I wanted to know everything. I parked and fired my next question. dirt ± is all covered up with squishy green stuff here. No matter how trivial. I smiled again as I handed it to her. She likes everything. I took it in my fingers and swept it behind her shoulder. ³What film do you hate?´ It was a horror called alone in the dark. Everything that¶s supposed to be brown ± tree trunks. Her eyes. I miss brown.´ I said to her. Of course. Then at lunch I had more questions. ³Debussy to«this?´ I watched her as she traced her finger over the cover. brown is warm. ³Brown?´ I doubled checked as I leaned in closer to her and looked for her expression. Incapable of taking my eyes away from hers. ³Linkin Park. She was old before her time. She had to be joking. She didn¶t like the µcold and the wet¶. I walked her to English and asked her more. that¶s right.´ ³What¶s your favourite colour today? ³Probably brown.³Oh. that chocolate brown. ³Why?´ I wondered aloud. before turning into the school. ³What do you want to know?´ ³What¶s your favourite colour?´ It sounded like a stupid question the moment it left my lips.´ Wow. ³It changes from day to day.´ Brown? Out of all the colours in the world she chooses the colour of mud? Humans tend to like bright colours. seriously eclectic. And then spent my time in Spanish thinking up new questions and watching how she worked in her lesson. ³What¶s your favourite film?´ She mentioned an action film where the car chase scenes were eccentric. I had acquired my tastes due to being around for so long and simply always liking something new. her tendency to be so non-conformist made me laugh. And of course brown«It had been my favourite colour for weeks. . ³Brown is warm.´ She seemed genuine.´ She sounded disappointed.
He could have been killed for his thoughts. instead he was commended. the corners of my mouth twitched. ³Not just that. I continued to fire at her she blushed every now and then. she liked Wuthering Heights. ³It¶s the colour of your eyes today. I asked her more about books and places. She sighed in relief and I. ³Shakespeare because of the romantic stories?´ I asked. He wasn¶t some fluffy English romance writer. Her warm skin flowed with blood. ³What¶s your favourite number?´ ³Thirty-eight´ ³Food?´ ³Pasta´ ³Gemstone?´ ³Topaz. What she thought. guessing the answer due to the most common thoughts of young girls today.´ I insisted she wasn¶t looking at me I wanted to lift her chin up so I could look into her eyes. She liked classics. If I knew en ough about her maybe I could at least guess her thoughts. He questioned politics and religion. I do like the bits of romance. .´ ³Tell me.´ She looked at me. who he was. I smiled. she fidgeted before dropping her hands only to lift the left and scratch her head. I wanted to know how she ticked.´ Her eyes sparkled and I paused for a moment. ³I suppose if you asked me in two weeks I¶d say onyx.³Horrors should be scary. Shakespeare. She really was a Shakespeare fan.´ What? ³What kinds of flowers do you prefer?´ I threw that question out there so I could think about what she had said.´ ³Why the sudden change?´ I asked. He caused outrage. ³No reason. That one¶s just bad. and it had made me feel slightly uncomfortable too. I was surprised when she laughed at me. but they¶re few and far between.´ She shrugged. but still didn¶t look at me. I must listen to everything. I will think about this later. but she seemed ok. didn¶t hear her answer. I wanted to know everything. I love it when she blushes. No.´ I was about to move on to another but I caught her blushing.´ She sighed. ³I like Shakespeare because of what he did. I didn¶t want to make her feel more uncomfortable. She was well informed. I am shameful to say. Jane Austen. ³I mean garnet. she saw much more deeply than I gave her credit for.
But I thought it was a joke that women like the dark brooding type. I never thought they really truly meant it. . Eurgh the things I would do to him if no one was around. That¶s not normal. I turned and walked away. They were both pains in my ass. Not yet. or more Mike¶s complaints. hoping she wouldn¶t notice. She turned and looked at me. resting her chest on them and her chin on the table. and looked back at Bella. I allowed myself to touch her face with the back of my hand. However when the light went off I could almost hear the buzzing of the static charge that seemed to linger between the two of us. What did he think he could do to a monster like me? Did his eyes just flash red when he looked at me? He really does just look hungry to me. imagining similar scenes to what Jessica had imagined in the first place. I smiled to myself and turned back to look at Bella as Mr Banner made to turn the TV off and the light back on. I knew he couldn¶t see small movements. Those eyes. I had spent too much of the night dealing with her heat and her electricity. I could probably take him if his stupid oafish brother kept out of it. That¶s what I wanted. but the film was boring and every other student was fidgeting or doodling or leaning. Strange. Was it coming from me? Or her? She leaned forward and folded her arms. but Mr Banner insisted on rolling the TV into the room and turning the lights off. Forcing me to imagine what my own girlfriend would feel like that close to me. Was that what she meant? She even likes them when I'm hungry. Eurgh. picking out her features and staring at the way her hair flowed out down her back.. I watched her for a while. I turned to look at mike as his thoughts interrupted my own thoughts. Mike¶s jealousy cheered me up. Eurgh Why does she even like him so much? He¶s still staring at her. He doesn¶t seem to be moving. Silently I walked her to Gym. but I don¶t know what to do with myself in a dark room where no one can see what I'm doing. They suited each other really. I suppose I shouldn¶t be surprised. I got out of my seat and waited by the door. «Edward Cullen as mushy. fighting the urge to take her and kiss her here. She really is brave. I glared at him and watched him cower.. I mean. She likes my eyes. I attempted to move my chair up slightly. What did her giggle mean? He continued to struggle with how far his imagination let him go. I love her eyes.size isn¶t everything. causing my face to break into my own smile. I couldn¶t afford to.Complications. It¶s all very well by ourselves. Finally. realising Mike had noticed my fault. Just because of my eyes. I mean I can see the appeal. I love sitting with Bella. Mike¶s voice angered me. I leaned on my elbow. What is he doing? What a weirdo. And oh«how I wish I could. Biology. I really enjoy the time we have to be close together. Why couldn¶t she love mine. only until I knew she was inside her class. I turned back and leaned against the wall and listened in on her Gym lesson. She¶d said topaz. and a quiet breathing in the back of class told me someone was sleeping. yesterday she giggled. I didn¶t want to offend her. like some kind of murderous stalker out on the prowl. Giggled! What exactly do they do. When she came out she smiled instantaneously. I meant food«not«Dammit! Why him? What¶s so special. he¶s just staring at her.
I pretended not to notice or to connect the reason she might not miss the sun as having anything to do with me. ³Are you finished?´ Bella asked. ³The very size of the sky. She frowned. turning and lifting her hands and using them to depict. it smells kind of bitter. ³How late is it?´ Her voice floated over so quietly that for a second I .´ She seemed to consider this. her house. the scenery. ³Not even close ± but your father will be home soon.She looked perfect. the warmth ± I¶d say the sun. she seemed more beautiful when she spoke of memories. the valleys between the craggy hills. ³How was Gym?´ ³Fine. barely interrupted by the low mountains covered with purple volcanic rock. as she stumbled over her own foot.´ She continued. ³My mum. even the fact that everything is half dead. ³extending white-blue from horizon to horizon.´ She continued to describe Phoenix to me and I suddenly hated my inability to go out in the sun. that only she seemed to be able to give me. Like a song or a poem. ³What do you miss most.´ Her eyes seemed distant. When she finished I was thinking about the ability to be out in the sun. I stopped to listen.´ ³How is it beautiful?´ I asked sadly. the feathery barrenness of the trees. ³What about home?´ I asked. Phil. It¶s beautiful. never having seen it. which I had out of politeness. her voice quieter. her room. It makes everything seem deeper. but the longer I am here the less I seem to miss it. the reflections in water. softer. ³The scent of the creosote. slightly resinous. tapping her lip with a finger and giving me a small smile as she tried hard to remember. making me smile. I probed her more to describe her mum.´ ³Charlie!´ she paused and looked out of the window of the car which I had absent mindedly driven her home in. Her hair was swept back in a rush to get out of the changing room. ³The shapes of the mountains.´ She sighed. The high kneeing sound of the cicadas in July. ³What smells? What scenery? Describe it to me.´ She smiled back. not listened in on. ³Do you like any sport?´ ³I like it all if I'm not involved. ³The smells. how much I missed the feeling of heat. The changes in height.´ She grumbled.´ She looked at me slightly from the side but continued to walk and returned to staring straight ahead. sounding almost tired. The way the sun reflects off landscapes. as though this was a difficult question and opened her mouth two or three times before stopping. He was thinking about some game on the TV.´ ³Hmm«´ She considered again. Charlie Swan¶s thoughts suddenly entered my mind. and her top clung loosely to her body as though she¶d stretched it in a rush to get it back on. but still pleasant.
He knew who I was and he didn¶t want me around Bella. The easiest time. Every cloud« ³Not that you see them here much. Black¶s car pulled up at the curb near us. ³Charlie will be here in a few minutes. Jacob. the return of the night.´ I warned her as Billy squinted through the rain to see my face. Ah. I put my foot down as the boy. Darkness is so predictable don¶t you think?´ ³I like the night. didn¶t I?´ ³What more is there?´ ³You¶ll find out tomorrow. ³I told you I wasn¶t done. Something positive in everything. They filled my mind. to me. I composed myself and drove toward home. attempting to tan. ³It¶s the safest time of day for us. . in a way«the end of another day.´ I reached across to open the door to let her out but a new voice in my head made me freeze. I moved away quickly so as not to let my hidden monster surface as my nose embraced her smell and her scent burnt my throat. unless you want to tell him that you¶ll be with me Saturday«´ I raised an eyebrow at her in hint.´ I'm sick of these complications! I opened the door for her and in sudden realisation noticed I had been leaning right across her for some time. So. Charlie¶s voice suddenly began to get louder.´ I muttered gazing out of the windscreen. ³Charlie¶s around the corner. I slowed to a stop as Charlie went by and gave myself enough distance not to be seen but I was close enough to hear their thoughts and therefore their conversations. It¶s just a lift. through the rain I could see him and Bella¶s friend Jacob. No more. Without the dark. I wouldn¶t visit Bella tonight. I envied her ability to enjoy the sun on her face. boring old night time soon. I didn¶t hang about. ³Thanks. we¶d never see the stars. ³Another complication. got out of the car. apparently oblivious to everything.thought I had suddenly heard a thought. Bella had more experience than me. Billy¶s grave thoughts bothered me. ³It¶s twilight. playing in the ocean with friends and family. Billy Black.´ ³What is it?´ Bella asked me her eyes worryingly searching my face for the answer. as I saw the patch of road he was making his way down.´ That was just like her.´ She continued to grumble. but no thanks. ³Not good. Is it my turn tomorrow. Maybe I should warn Isabella off just in case. then?´ ³Certainly not!´ I did my best to look angry at her for even suggesting it. But also the saddest. She looked at the clock and I looked out at the horizon. What is she doing with him? Or rather« no« he wouldn¶t hunt. making me laugh. This was the closest to real sun I had seen in centuries really.
It got to me. how different would that taste I wonder. But not satisfied. I allowed the play to continue for a while. It was unbearable. Balancing That night I sat in my room. or worse Bella¶s blood I ran deeper into the mountains to find myself a lion. causing the bear to turn around in confusion looking for the new threat that this strange human appeared to be presenting. There was no sweet taste. Grizzly. So far I had never experimented from fear that it would smell too similar to a human and I wouldn¶t be able to stop myself anymore. I would not kill Bella. Normally I was light. The monster in me was hungry and I would fight Alice¶s visions with every fibre of my being. however. I was stuffed. The whining noise from the bear was loud. they didn¶t understand how lucky they were to have that vulnerability. The bear took a swipe. My own personal monster bounded around my chest in glee. thinking only of her whenever Isabella¶s name showed up on the page. slashing my hand across his body on my way. irritating it slightly. It was the closest to being alive I had ever felt. and I would defiantly not reduce her to our kind. Eurgh. I dodged to the side. It just irritated me.13. I had put Hybrid Theory on repeat. I had spent so long spending every night with her and suddenly I didn¶t know what to do with myself when she wasn¶t around. for lack of a better. The warm liquid that I gulped down my throat filled me. as though for the first time in centuries my heart was beating again. listening to it over and over again without stopping. It did. Suddenly I felt heavy. Stuffed. I read Northanger Abbey. I pounced. The vulnerability of it. feeling the need to tempt the beast. The bear staggered toward me taking another swipe. this time I dodged back to position. the beast stood for a moment before collapsing to the ground. Instead of allowing myself human blood. No . I didn¶t feel right. My hand whipped out away from my body and I ripped the bear¶s throat out before the bear had even realised I¶d made any kind of movement. feeling my teeth sink into the bear¶s throat like pudding. Humans are lucky for their weaknesses. I would hunt. Humans complained. able to walk around or stand with no issue. I embraced the pain I felt. It was like taking ages to squeeze orange juice yourself instead of just using the carton and adding your own sugar and honey to make the taste sweet. It didn¶t quite taste too close to human blood. Shame about the lack of monkeys. Like a cat chasing a ball of string. running fast. On top of that the bear could smell a difference. letting the world blur past me as I ran toward the mountains. I stopped dead. tired even. Still I couldn¶t relax. causing a large wound to open with my nails. even as a vampire. Bear. Emmet would be so jealous. once this monster had caught sight of me all I had to do was speedily dodge. My hands would have shook. eventually get the better of me and I left the novel unfinished and flew out of my bedroom window into the night. I smiled to myself. but it was better than bear. My smile turned to a smirk and I allowed my monster out to play. I moved slowly at first. I stopped and stood dead in front of it as it stood tall and tried to scare me off. less human expression. always missing life. as though my chest was expanding. I spent the rest of the night feeding on deer. but our family missed the bad that came with human life. Bored Now.
³Similar hobbies to you or«?´ ³Hmmm«She¶s a child really. Bella came out the door almost as soon as I¶d turned the engine off. My day with my Bella. Her whole brain was back to front. I was finally glad to get out of there. When I had got through the door that morning. It¶s probably what you needed to protect Bella. she blushed. I apologised. her eyes would probably widen and she would look at you for a while before asking if you could teach her«´ ³Don¶t joke. How could I look Bella in the face knowing I had killed like a rabid dog? Usually it was me telling Emmet to stop playing with his food. µDon¶t play with your food¶ he says. I heard it. she blames her for your strange behaviour. she most likely would. Emmet¶s thoughts had been loud and obnoxious. knowing only too well that. I was starting to need her. I drove to Bella¶s. not before I had checked on Alice to see how she was.´ I replied. Personally I think it¶s about time you enjoyed the hunt. since it was Bella. Edward we all know about your little circus act last night. ³What¶s your mum like then?´ I asked her. At lunch I asked her about boys she had dated. smiling that I was finally grasping this guessing game. ³Can I ask what you did?´ ³No. waiting as usual for Charlie to leave. Either that«or she¶d ask for a video. I rolled my eyes as Alice giggled. I felt disgusted with myself. I ran home and showered.lions came out for me. like a school boy. She still enjoys playing games. I couldn¶t believe I had allowed myself to play with my food in that way. I heard her heart skip. I rolled in just as Charlie rounded the corner and turned the engine off to wait. This was my Bella. I became bored and sick to my stomach of food from over eating. I couldn¶t help it. I knew what was coming. He had continued to ramble on whilst Rosalie¶s stream of foul language shrieked through my head.´ She giggled slightly ³In fact if you told her. ³How did you sleep?´ I asked her ³Fine. How was your night?´ ³Pleasant. .´ She laughed.´ Alice looked down. but you¶ve given Rosalie more ammunition against Bella. Alice saw it when you left. I was defiantly not going to tell her.´ Mine. brushed my teeth purely to hide the smell of blood. I couldn¶t have Bella helplessly fainting in front of me. having seen you kill like that. It always seemed to shock me that she really loved me.´ I replied. ³A little shaken up. amused by how wide her eyes looked. She won¶t love you less because of your hunting skills. I suppose her current hobby is Phil. ³Today is still mine. I was severely disappointed.´ I had said. and having not seen her all night had really taken its toll. Oh yes. I smiled as she climbed in the car. and don¶t be so hard on yourself. ³Its fine. remembering my earlier chat with Alice.
and I realised she thought this was about the previous conversation. ³Why?´ She demanded. ³What time will I see you tomorrow?´ ³That depends«it¶s a Saturday.´ I added laughing at my own joke. Bella¶s mouth opened a little and I was surprised to find it endearing that I could see all her chewed up food. don¶t you want to sleep in?´ .´ She sounded down.´ I said to Bella. watching her eyes widen as I said it.´ She said looking down at her plate. I really don¶t mind walking.³So you never met anyone you wanted?´ I asked shocked when she confirmed she hadn¶t ever dated. well. Was I the first man she had ever looked at? Did I want to be the last? No. No.´ Great. I smiled. ³I'm leaving with Alice after lunch. We¶ll go get your truck and leave it here for you.´ I was about to ask her what she meant. Sorry. ³Oh. ³Perhaps you¶re right. I will let you finish. ³You can always cancel. Ah I see. THAT again.´ ³I don¶t have my key with me. resolving to leave after lunch to eat again. ³Hunting. ³Your truck will be here. ³No I can¶t. That¶s okay. ³So where are you going?´ She asked.´ She still looked down to me. I want to spend the day with you.´ Twice over. Emotionally or Physically. Thanks Alice. Ha. ³Not in Phoenix. and the key will be in the ignition ± unless you¶re afraid someone might steal it. I had upset her and she was trying to walk home. you know. Alice must have seen my decision.´ I said. only in a good way. ³If I'm going to be alone with you tomorrow.´ Oh. I don¶t know what you want to do? ³I should have let you drive yourself today.´ You should cancel. She wants to watch. I¶m not strong enough. again. ³I'm not going to make you walk home. I would strive to be her guardian vampire. I'm going to take whatever precautions I can. again Alice was right. Was I the first? But Alice¶s thoughts swam into view and I saw the vision again. ³It¶s not that far to walk. this time with Alice. I see.´ I said truthfully. ³Alright. okay. I thought.´ I didn¶t want to hurt her.
³What are you hunting tonight?´ She asked after giving up with her scowl.´ She looked at me. We were going out more for training.´ She looked away.´ She said before I got my last word out.´ Emmet. ³No. Rose¶s . glad of my final resolve to never lie to her. Certain she would have seen it. ³They don¶t like me. Jasper«well he¶s too empathic I think and still isn¶t comfortable with this. ³Whatever we find in the park. Keep your filthy human eyes away from this family.´ She said ³That¶s not it. You fascinate me. She¶s there to control my thirst for human blood. ³I told you ± you don¶t see yourself clearly at all. Rose. if she took it the wrong way« ³I have no idea. He knows I¶ve been meaning to do the laundry. She scowled right back at me.³No.´ I like her Edward! Let me talk to her. We¶re not going far. will Charlie be there?´ I asked. he¶s fishing tomorrow. ³And the others? What are they?´ Vampires.´ ³Why are you going with Alice?´ ³Alice is the most«´ I searched for the right word. I smiled at her. I shook my head and rolled my eyes. I hoped it sounded threatening. ³And if you don¶t come home. ³The same as usual.´ I managed to force the smile that was trying to form into a scowl. You're not like anyone I¶ve ever known. But there is more« and it¶s not so easy to put into words ± ´ She was staring at the family. for that matter. she really didn¶t think about her own safety at all. ³that part is easy enough to explain. Not a chance. Maybe he¶ll think I fell in the washer. ³Having the advantages I do.´ I suppose. hopeful. Irritating. ³Incredulous for the most part. what will he think?´ I meant it as a threat. You always take me by surprise. ³Supportive. I have a better than advantage grasp of human nature. Only Alice can tell when I will endanger humans. then.´ She smiled. They don¶t understand why I can¶t leave you alone. It was difficult not to smile.´ ³Neither do I.
after spending so much time with you publicly«´ How can I finish that sentence? I couldn¶t. ³Hi Alice. ³We still have fifteen minutes of that wretched movie left to endure in biology ± I don¶t think I could take any more.´ I glared at her. Bella ± Bella.´ ³Alice´ I nodded as she made her presence known.´ ³I¶ll try. ³Nearly. Yes. confused. You see« it¶s dangerous for more than just me if.´ ³Alice. ³Yes. Hurt. Alice was right. Hmm«back pocket« She thought as she remembered the vision of herself getting the car. it¶s nice to finally meet you. I smiled. naturally. then.´ Bella said. Bella looked at me again. I was too ashamed. Quiet enough so that only our ears could hear. ³I¶m sorry about that. I smiled. Why not? I¶d had fun last night. Perfect timing for that question Bella. I'm coming over.´ That was the best I could do.´ I'll get Bella¶s car now then. ³Should I say µhave fun¶ or is that the wrong sentiment?´ Bella asked me. Alice. It¶s probably for the best. Keep your mouth shut.voice entered my head and I growled in anger. Was that the only possible outcome? ³And you have to leave now?´ If you think I¶m going to sit and watch my future best friend feeling down because of Rose you have another thing coming. ³No µhave fun¶ works as well as anything´ ³Have fun. I¶ll meet you at the car. ³Are you ready?´ Alice asked me. and can you try to be safe please?´ . ³If?´ ³If this«ends badly.´ Behind me Alice understood that as a confirmation. ³Edward. I covered my face with my hands. kissing Jasper¶s cheek.´ ³Hello Bella. She¶s just worried.
´ ³It seems like a long time to you. even when in full attack.´ I stood up and she followed suit.³Safe in Forks ± what a challenge. I can avoid attacking people when they¶re close by. I¶ll never understand why. ³I¶ll do my best. Edward I think you¶re fine. I opened the glove compartment of my car and scribbled a note.´ ³For you it is a challenge. ³I¶ll be there in the morning. We saw four humans walk through the wood. ³So. without enjoyment. Ill do the laundry tonight ± that ought to be fraught with peril. I was just testing. You¶ll sleep through most of it. We can probably stop with the worry. I would only ever do this with Alice and she would sit and look to the future.´ I teased.´ ³I promise to try to be safe. climbing into my own car and backing out allowing Alice to park.´ ³Why?´ I didn¶t feel any different from before.´ ³I figure that if. Alice glided out of the car and I followed her locking the car. you want to put lives in danger?´ she asked me. Alice was leant against my car when I reached the car park. I didn¶t stop hunting. ³What is it?´ ³Sorry. Promise.´ ³Don¶t fall in. If I needed help she was quick enough to stop me. the truck parked behind it. She skipped into the wood where the people often walked dogs. ³In a word? Yes´ ³Please explain.´ I touched her face for as long as I dared. I spent most of the day hunting deer. then I have more of a chance of keeping Bella alive. leaving it on Bella¶s seat and driving away with Alice in my car. before briskly walking away so as not to enjoy it too much. doesn¶t it?´ I asked her and she nodded. gave myself another second to wonder what she was thinking. Move out so I can get it in! I obeyed. ³Stop. ³See you tomorrow. I still regretted my behaviour from the night before.´ We parked up. We were too quick for their eyes and I continued to hunt even when they were in fairly close proximity. Alice ran to me once and grabbed my wrist.´ .
³The more I eat the less likely it is for me to turn on her!´ Alice stared at me.´ I sniffed and continued to hunt. The clouds were beginning to dissipate now. I could have fainted. all I had been thinking about was that being with her alone meant danger. I knew she was worried about her lack in coordination but I wanted to know. She needlessly reminded me of the deal. For the first time I actually felt excitement. she lied. climbing in and opening the door for me. Her eyes seemed to penetrate me. The way her wrists seemed delicate on the steering wheel. Now I understood. I would not be the reason for Bella fainting especially not if we were to be alone. they would keep me going too. had I been human. I knocked on the door which appeared to open so quick it almost hit her on the nose. ³Just wondering where we¶re going. ³You care for her so much. I directed her to the meadow. I just wanted to watch her. far away from civilisation. often falling to cover her face. I realised that through all the panic.´ Ah.´ ³Charlie said it would be warm today´ ³And did you tell Charlie what you were up to?´ ³Nope. maybe I could« maybe not. she was the one person who could find it. Where is it? Where are we going? We¶re hiking? Some banter about our cars. For some time she was quiet. must just be the worry about hiking. as Carlisle continued to insist on. her eyes widened and she smiled. if I did have a soul. I was going to be alone with the woman I loved.´ . I ran the rest of the journey. I walked slow at first to Bella¶s. We hunted until dawn. ³What are you thinking?´ I could ask her now. No more stressing that I couldn¶t hear her thoughts. I continued to stare while she asked me questions. ³We match. I could just ask. luckily the road was now covered by trees which arched overhead. That was why Alice insisted on dressing me. ³Good morning. She was a breath of fresh air. Once full I made sure to eat some rabbits. It was a fine idea. when I ran to the house to shower and brush my teeth again.³NO!´ I snapped. remembering that if I was early enough she might inform her father. I am so happy for you. On top of that she was wearing the same clothes as me. ³It¶s a place I like to go when the weather is nice. not even concentrating on the road. I walked to the truck and waited at the passenger door.´ I said laughing and she looked down at herself and then giggled. The conversation just seemed irrelevant to me. giving me the excuse to touch her.´ ³What¶s wrong?´ she glanced down. I laughed. Happy snacks. the way her hair flowed down her back. Being in a big metal box was defiantly the best thing for her.
³But Jessica thinks were going to Seattle together?´ that¶s OK. she looked like she might cry. I had to stop doing that. I told her you cancelled on me ± which is true.´ ³No one knows you¶re with me?´ this was a worry. ³No. Bella.´ I spat as we hiked through the forest. Id talk to the Volturi if it did.´ I snapped ³Are you so depressed by Forks that it¶s made you suicidal?´ ³You said it might cause trouble for you« us being together publicly. How could she be so stupid to endanger herself in this way? ³That depends« I assume you told Alice?´ ³That¶s very helpful. She nodded. ³This way. as long as someone knew she was with me. This is my fault. There were times when I helped her along on the more difficult parts of the hike. What? I¶d just thought I had got the hang of you. ³No.´ This made me smile.´ A cold tone. if I killed her« No it wouldn¶t happen. she really is a beautiful person. she humoured me by answering any new questions that popped into my head.´ Trouble is good Bella! Good! Now you aren¶t safe! ³So you're worried about the trouble it might cause me ± if you don¶t come home?´ I was being harsh. I die too. So I was leading my beloved to her death.´ ³If you want me to hack five miles through the jungle before sundown. blabbering about a trail seeming to get very upset. I turned to face her properly. and maybe a bit too forceful. She couldn¶t. It started to get harder and harder. begging her to say no. ³Do you want to go home?´ I asked. ³I¶ll take you home.´ She tried to smile at me. Rose is right. We were silent for the rest of the drive. ³I can be patient ± if I make a great effort. Too upset. I just turned and walked. I swear. Reminding me of a small child who clings to their mother¶s trouser legs to keep safe.´ I said it fast. I . You¶ll have to be very patient. but why couldn¶t she understand. I¶m a Jackass. ³What¶s wrong?´ ³I¶m not a very good hiker. Fantastic. you¶d better start leading the way. Nodded? ³If you die. The sadness that had been in her eyes had vanished and she was smiling again. She was worried about slowing me down. I couldn¶t work her out. She began to panic. under the assumption that I must have really upset her. The hike took all morning. but every time I touched her I didn¶t want to let go ever again.´ She came closer.
I smiled. not wanting to embarrass her. If I was human the feeling would have caused me to shiver. Confessions She was quiet for some time.relaxed slightly. I looked at the light.´ Her hand continued to trace my skin and the tingling sensation continued. ³You can¶t imagine how good that feels. She stepped toward me but I held up a hand and she stopped. She opened her eyes and looked at me. She seemed to make a quick movement. her finger was warm. I was a freak and she was beautiful. she could have been mistaken as a vampire. Suddenly I felt heat on the back of my hand and I looked at her as she stroked my hand. caused me to stare at her. Bella¶s eyes were alight. frozen on me. ³No more than usual. ³It¶s too easy for me to be myself with you. I was unable to face her reaction. I breathed out heavily and opened my eyes. since her hand froze on my skin. sending the sparks of electricity flying up my arm. I wanted to cup her face in my hand and bring it closer to mine. ³I don¶t scare you?´ I asked her. She took a few minutes to take it in. If she had been scared she had done a good job to cover it up. in the sun. but I couldn¶t I wasn¶t ready. happy that she wanted to be close to me still. her eyes unmoving and her body still. leaving a trail which felt like it was glowing in the heat. I noticed she didn¶t put it back down. I could feel her hand tremble. ³Sorry. was this a good idea? She may never look at me the same way again. She couldn¶t yet see it. She reached for my hand and I turned it over for her. I turned to look at her. If it wasn¶t for the blood which pumped through her veins and the warm colour of her skin. The soft tingling sensation lasted. It took her a while before she appeared to remember why she was here. We ended up lying in the grass.´ I meant it. I tried to ignore it. wide. 14.´ She lifted my hand. all the colours she missed from Arizona were here. seeing her gazing at my hand intently. the sun reflecting off my monstrous body without panicking that I might get caught. as though looking for small rocks that might have embedded themselves in my skin. smiling to herself. When I pointed to the spot we were headed toward I smiled. It was nice to lay next to Bella. ³Do you mind?´ ³No. I had taken to singing to myself to calm down. The only thing I could picture without taking the leap.´ I replied feeling the sun¶s glow on my face. Closing my eyes I allowed her warmth to seep into my skin. but as it was the hairs on my arms didn¶t even lift off my skin the way hers seemed to. She watched me for a long time. looking around for a while. The sun had risen. was the terror she was about to reveal in her eyes. I . perhaps a little too fast. so much hesitation in me refused to allow selfindulgence. as she traced it across my arm. causing my arm to rise off the floor. to see hers. When we reached the meadow. She looked at me as I sighed and took a step into the light allowing my body t o light up and sparkle with my eyes closed. before thinking better of it. After a while my body settled and I relaxed.´ She moved closer to me tracing her finger over my arm. I knew she was picking up on the colours.
the electricity causing my dead heart to feel punctured. I was still glad of that.´ ³Give me a moment. ³Tell me what you¶re thinking.´ . her breath warms my wrist. darting into the shade. I am so sorry Bella.´ ³You know. allowing myself to be consumed by her perfection. What did she think about all the time? Who did she think about? What did she think of people? What did she love? What made her want to sing and dance? These questions. causing her hair and skin to glow. Suddenly she leaned closer to me. I can¶t allow myself to lose control. The monster in me raged. I liked the way a piece of her hair fell forward. my mouth began to water as her scent wafted through my mouth and burned my throat. She looked so hurt. raising my voice so she could hear. It would break me. I¶d had to stop.´ ³It¶s a hard life. Her mind was an ocean. as she gets closer to my hand. Cullen. I had to stop myself for a second. when I couldn¶t even hear how she thought? Even now.´ This was true. even for me. which felt chilled without hers. ³What are you afraid of then?´ I had to ask.noticed how her lips were slightly parted. she could never answer that would satisfy me. Not if the result is losing you.´ ³I don¶t want you to be afraid. NO! I pulled away. ³I'm«sorry«Edward. just staring back at me intently. It¶s still too strange for me. her beautiful brown eyes wide. I couldn¶t. ³Get a grip. that¶s not exactly the fear I meant. Her voice reached my ears. I looked at my hand. her words. She was silent for a while. ³Well. It was millions times better than trying to ignore her existence entirely. But you didn¶t tell me. How could I know what she was thinking? I knew I could ask. As though it was battling to get out and have her. breathing in. ³I was wishing that I could believe you were real. the same as when she slept. If I can hear a person¶s thoughts I can understand.´ I moved to my arm. never quite deep enough to submerge myself in. Your answer will never satisfy me. I knew how I would feel if she flinched every time I touched her. not knowing. the rest of us feel that way all the time. Although I knew it was better if she was. though that¶s certainly something to think about. I was about to kiss her.´ ³I was wishing I could know what you were thinking. causing the monster in me to react. Because I hear the deepest thoughts in people¶s minds«and I can¶t even hear your immediate thoughts. I was too afraid to comfort her. Instead I just continued to look into her eyes. But expressing thoughts to words was always difficult. I knew she would answer. How could I ever feel as though I know her. making one of her eyes darker. a mere river.´ I called back. And I was wishing that I wasn¶t afraid. yet again how her mind worked. leaning toward her. then looked up at her.´ ³And?´ That really just backed up how I felt. The sun reflected off her. A slight crease had formed on her forehead and I began to wonder. I would always know she wasn¶t quite being as deep as her eyes depicted.
I sighed.´ I wanted her to speak. Dread ran through me. sitting about a foot away for safety.´ I resolved.´ I winked at her and she laughed. well. ³As if you could outrun me!´ I grabbed the biggest fattest branch off a nearby tree. Wanting to be with me. A love without fear. ³Don¶t be afraid. honestly. feeling guilty for the fear I had placed in her heart and putting my hand in hers. She laughed! I could jump for joy. but I wanted her to love me.I growled to myself in a low voice.´ I sighed and she looked up again. Did she want us to be apart? ³Yes. I stood and moved at top speed. You caught me off guard. I took a weak step forward and crouched down.´ ³Well?´ I wanted an answer. ³I honestly can¶t remember. I didn¶t understand. besides the obvious reason.´ Not if you want to live a healthy life. they confused me.´ Silence. I can¶t stay with you. She trembled.´ . so she couldn¶t hear. My head felt as though it might explode from the quiet. I hated it.´ ³I think we were talking about why you were afraid. ³My voice. I should leave now. ³I'm not thirsty today. ³I can control myself. ³Are you alright?´ I asked her. I sighed. I was but a step away from her. my face. ³I should have left a long time ago. indeed. Last chance. ³Please forgive me.´ She said this as she stared at the floor. ³Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human?´ I could tell I¶d disappointed her. I'm afraid that I¶d like to stay with you. much more than I should. wanting so bad to return to the warm comfort we had been basking in before. I smiled back.´ ³Oh right. My wants. my needs. ³As if you could fight me off. clenching my fists and squashing the monster down. I had just scared her away. ³So where were we before I behaved so rudely?´ I asked her. Then I breathed in and walked toward her. But I don¶t know if I can. Fear. Pain shot through me and my voice became quiet. ³I was afraid« because. That¶s really not in your best interest. to protect her. ³I am so very sorry. ripping it off the trunk effortlessly. I didn¶t.´ She still didn¶t speak.´ ³I don¶t want you to leave.´ I found myself in agreement. As if I need any of that!´ I had to show her. Don¶t be afraid. clearly towering over her. ³I¶m the world¶s best predator aren¶t I? Everything about me invites you in ±´ I hated it. gazing into my eyes. I hurled it at another tree. ³I promise«I swear not to hurt you. ³How frustrated I am. before returning just as quick to see her eyes widen. Her fear saddened me. Smiling at her in the hope she might forgive me. and she watched it splinter. She didn¶t. I wanted her to fear me. covering the circumference of the meadow. shadowing the light off her face. Her lip trembled with fear and she sat unmoving at my feet. for. ³That is something to be afraid of. obvious reasons. She looked at my hand for a moment and then lifted her head to look in my eyes and back to my hand.´ I begged. I locked my eyes onto hers and never let go of her gaze.´ I said every word with emphasis so that she might truly believe me. But I'm on my best behaviour now. or if you want to grow old together with someone. even my smell. this was it. She began to trace her finger across it again and smiled up at me. I took a step closer to her. I stared at her.
³How do I explain? And without frightening you again«hmmm. if he were a recovering alcoholic.´ I looked away from where I had heard the thoughts back at Bella and smiled.³Which is exactly why I should. ³You know how everyone enjoys different flavours? Some people love chocolate ice cream.´ ³Don¶t be! It¶s not only your company I crave!´ I hated myself. ³I don¶t think I understand exactly what you mean ± by that last part anyway. Where are we? Are we lost again? A family had driven down toward Bella¶s car. Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else. I mentally shivered as I remembered that first biology lesson. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer. ³Sorry about the food analogy ± I couldn¶t think of another way to explain. planning to pick off each student one by one.´ ³So what you're saying is. working out my best plan for execution without being caught. However I had to inform Bella that she was my first. But he could resist.´ I told her. ³That¶s amazingly pleasant.´ ³Does that happen often?´ she asked me sounding intrigued. How he hadn¶t had time to grow to the different essences. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. I had kept my mind working hard in the hope it might distract me. ³It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and ± ´ I . I then went on to explain that Emmet had been trying much longer but had twice smelt an essence that good. has a different essence. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead. Now let¶s say you places in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy. in a dark alley or something«´ she didn¶t finish her question. I went on to explain how Jasper sees all humans the same. the rarest finest cognac ± and filled the room with its warm aroma ± how do you think he would fare then?´ She didn¶t look convinced. Sitting next to her. ³I spoke to my brothers about it. I explained that it was difficult for Emmet since they were strangers and he¶d crossed them in the woods. turned around and headed back toward the main road. he¶d gladly drink it. you are exactly my brand of heroin.´ I thought about how to explain why I wanted her blood more than any other person¶s.´ I held both her hands in mine feeling the warmth spreading through them to mine. ³Maybe that¶s not the right comparison. others prefer strawberry?´ she nodded and I continued. I remembered how my plans were the only thing that stopped me attacking her. I crave your company too much to do what I should. ³So if we¶d met«oh. ³Yes. ³You see every person smells different. I¶m your own brand of heroin?´ I smiled as she tried to humour me.´ We smiled at each other. How he had messed up.´ ³I'm glad. if he wished to. But don¶t worry. I was glad of the conversation Carlisle had had a while back with us.´ A voice that I didn¶t recognise entered my head. the warmth. ³Never forget that. Twice. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I voiced my joy to feel that sensation.
before finishing with the car accident. what I could do to them. summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. roughly translated. not to follow you from the school. I didn¶t need to hide anything anymore. the scent was maddening. ³You are the most important thing to me now. means I would rather die than stay away from you. I couldn¶t tell her all truths. I remembered trying to avoid biology. ³When you walked past me. cowardice. The rest was down to her. white. right then and there. µNot her. I looked for a better explanation. unsure how she was reacting to all this since I hadn¶t heard her thoughts. I couldn¶t live with myself if I ever hurt you. How hungry she had made me. ³At that time all I could think was. I'm an idiot. the conversation with Mrs Cope. Emmet. As if I needed another motive to kill you. my moment of weakness. ³Bella. If I hadn¶t been denying my thirst for the last. you were there ± in that close. as though I had lost control. to get away before I could speak the words which would make you follow«´ I looked at her.stopped.¶´ I finished. It was easier outside.´ I remembered their words. it was like you were some kind of demon. and Jasper when they suggested that now was the time«the worst fight we¶ve ever had. thinking of my family. ³And then. a weight lifted. though her face didn¶t change.´ I paused to remember how much I had wanted to kill her. warm little room. I don¶t know how. ³But it had the opposite effect I fought with Rosalie. Now she knew everything. when I couldn¶t smell you anymore. to make the right decision. ³You must have thought I was possessed. ³But I resisted. And I fought them each back. How you could hate me so quickly«´ ³To me. still. I forced myself not to wait for you. I could have ruined everything Carlisle has built for us. well. I had to run out. too many years. Watching closely for her reactions. of course. I continued to explain my memories to Bella. to think clearly. There was only one other frail human there ± so easily dealt with.´ ³Without a doubt.´ I saw her shiver but continued. I¶m here«which. cold«to never see you blush scarlet again. to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretences«it would be unendurable. as I tried to rearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to avoid you. The most important thing to me ever. ³You would have come. I told her how I used Jessica¶s mind to hear her.´ She said breathlessly. ³In the hospital?´ ³I was appalled. to get you alone.´ And now you¶re my angel« ³The fragrance coming off your skin«I thought it would make me deranged that first day.´ I continued to tell Bella about my leaving.´ I watched her for a reaction.´ I looked at her to emphasise my next words. I so very nearly took you then.´ I flinched. In that one hour I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me.´ . I wouldn¶t have been able to stop myself.´ ³I couldn¶t understand why. You don¶t understand how it¶s tortured me. I had disgraced myself. causing me to look at her. The thought of you. Closing my eyes. I couldn¶t believe I had put us in danger after all. Would she ever look at me the same again? Her voice drifted toward me. how easily it would have been for me to take her. put myself in your power ± you of all people. it all coming out so easily and so quickly. ³You already know how I feel.
³The blush on your cheeks is lovely. if I had allowed myself to kiss her what would the monster inside me have done? ³You know why.´ I told her. my throat burned and I stopped short. I laughed. Suddenly every fear I had ever had for Bella dissipated. It¶s only ok because I am calm and prepared.´ I went quiet. If I didn¶t give her something to work with. her lips quivered and she stared at me. It was my fault. trying to return my breathing to normal so that I would get used to her scent. exactly what did I do wrong? I¶ll have to be on my guard. wishing I could be here. I better start learning what I shouldn¶t do.´ ³What a sick.³You are an idiot. every night in her room. very soap opera. wanting to be here.´ She was still thinking about that. ³Be very still.´ Yes. And the smell of your throat. and her movement caused me to breathe in deep. ³You see. if I can.´ We laughed for a little. Yet. ³It was just how close you were. to scare her. I slid my hands down her neck and I felt her shiver. ³Yes?´ ³Tell me why you ran away from me before. Perfectly fine. ³And so the lion fell in love with the lamb«´ ³What a stupid lamb.´ She protested. to not make this harder for you.´ I put my hand on her neck feeling the warmth spread through my arm.´ I replied.´ She said.´ She blushed and her heart pounded against her chest. This for example seems to be alright. you see. It was slightly amusing. Bella. her heartbeat slowing in recovery from the shock. Most humans instinctively shy away from us. enjoying it. I held her face in my hands as I debated how far I could go without hurting her. I knew she would be dissatisfied. ³You didn¶t do anything wrong. are repelled my our alienness«I wasn¶t expecting you to come so close. this really was too sick for a laugh. ³Okay. letting the warmth spread to me.´ ³Well«´ I thought about this. ³No. I turned my face so that my nose rubbed down her collar bone and rested my face there. ³No. I didn¶t want to continue. resting my cheek against her throat. stroking my hand. I mean. I smiled. then no throat exposure. She felt brittle beneath my touch. I just decided to explain. Instead. Bella began to ask me a question and I snapped back to reality to look at her. now I was close. ³But I want to help. She had come so close to me.´ I wanted more. I had waited. I could never hurt this delicate . Did her heartbeat change then too? When she dreamt of me did her heart quicken? I sat and watched her before. I stroked her cheek. I moved slowly at first.´ She said pushing her chin down to cover her neck. Rested against her chest. really it was more the surprise than anything else. masochistic lion. I had allowed myself a closeness. I continued moving my hands. I still wanted to know what it felt like when she slept. and noticed how close to I was to that collar bone I favoured so much. I smiled. only stopping at her shoulders.
And you?´ ³No. I opened my eyes and stared at her. It took me a lot of control not to grab her wrist and pull her to me. Suddenly I understood what humans meant when they said µlet¶s take it slow. She moved slowly. ³I wish«´ She looked at me. placing her hand against my cheek. I could run. taking things slow would keep them excited. The monster stayed quiet. she didn¶t answer she just stared. She ran her finger along my lips which opened from the touch. wishing I was able to hold her in my arms and stroke her face. She would always be mine. Do you feel how warm it is?´ I asked her. She was safe. I closed my eyes and was still. it wasn¶t bad«for me. I loved her. I wished I could run my hand all over her without complications. Every scene that I had ever seen in Jessica or Mike¶s minds suddenly ran through my head and my breath quickened. I wouldn¶t ever hurt her. Concentrating and calming myself so that if she set the monster off. Soon I would want more. I trusted her. I hated this.´ I brushed my favourite piece of hair away from her face so that I could look at her better. ³Don¶t move. My lips wanted to taste hers.´ ³Was that very hard for you?´ ³Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. I had been wrong. I would want more the second Bella tempted me to it. I wished she would break my heart and run. her warm breath making my black heart twist into some form of knot. her company. the ability to get bored. I sighed. and she still didn¶t move. I wished I would never have to leave this place.¶ They want what Bella and I would have. be near her. allowing me to stay in that position. I wished my emotions were less erratic. I would only exist to please her. until I wanted more again. ³Here. I wanted to have what humans had. I wished that she would always trust me. Resting against her chest was not enough. my chest compressed and she let her hand fall from my face. for now. I wished I was human. . I wished that she would stay with me forever. I wasn¶t patient. and then we would have to do all this again to make myself calm enough to go through with it. I silently begged her never to get bored. silently wishing I could hold her. sat back and looked at her.. I let go.´ ³You know what I mean. I felt at ease against her chest. Human¶s got bored easily. ³Tell me.´ She smiled. protect her.human being. That you could understand. breathing in her scent. My hands felt weak. ³I wish you could feel the« complexity«the confusion«I feel. this was enough.. In this moment I hoped that Bella was not like the everyday human¶s whose thoughts I had had to listen to my whole life. it would keep them wanting. my arms felt weak.´ She whispered. ³It won¶t be so hard again.´ She breathed beneath my hand. following my face and touching my features. I wished I could have more time with her. again doing her best impression of a vampire. but.
the hunger ± the thirst ± that.´ She looked panicked. It felt like I was crying. as though answering my thoughts. ³Will you turn into a bat?´ I laughed. ³Like I haven¶t heard that one before!´ Well I hadn¶t personally. still against my chest. I wrapped my arms around her.´ She put her face against my bear chest. Is it always like this?´ It felt like my heart was thumping hard. I didn¶t want to eat«I wanted to consume. ³But«There are other hungers. never. I knew she was thinking about having to leave my arms. I still doubted it. Never before this. I don¶t know if I can. you probably can¶t empathize completely. sighed. desperate for more. I wanted this feeling and yet again I couldn¶t handle it. Though. I didn¶t understand the hunger I felt now. but I had seen . ³Can I show you something?´ ³Show me what?´ ³I¶ll show you how I travel in the forest. to an extent.´ I took her hands. I turned her toward me. I felt weak. I raised a hand to touch her lips.´ I replied.´ She breathed. ³This is enough. ³You have to go. like all the dead hormones in my brain were being released.´ The meadow grew dark and she. on the one hand. ³I may understand that better than you think. I feel for you. Yet again I wanted to run. right with my guess. I had thought that until she had touched my lips.´ ³I¶m not used to feeling so human.³I don¶t think I can. The pain was unbearable.´ ³I thought you couldn¶t read my mind?´ ³It¶s getting clearer. however. Hungers that I don¶t even understand. deplorable creature that I am. And I think you can understand that. ³You¶re better at this than you give yourself credit for. and rip a bear¶s throat out. leaning my face against her hair and breathing in the scent of her.´ ³I have human instincts ± they may be buried deep. ³Don¶t worry.´ I found this slightly amusing.´ I was thinking of her. I heard her heart skip. pleased with myself that I was yet again. I wanted to believe her. as you are not addicted to any illegal substances. I¶ve told you. desperate. ³I don¶t know how to be close to you. and we¶ll get to your truck much faster. but they¶re there. I felt sad that she would never hear a heartbeat there. just to prove to myself that I wasn¶t human.´ I asked her smiling. ³For me? No. that are foreign to me. and then I had been hungry. giving in to some more temptations. you¶ll be very safe.
I'm going to. little coward. ³Bella?´ ³I think I need to lie down. I knew she would be ok in a few minutes. I'm sure you get that one all the time. ³I think I should have closed my eyes. climb on my back.´ She hesitated.´ ³Hah!´ Like I could tell the difference. I love her smell.´ She did.no.´ I was crouching next to her while she sat. I have control. ³Exhilarating isn¶t it?´ There was no answer.´ ³Come on. ³Right. I think. I can do it.enough films. I pulled her down gently and let her lean on me. I will. I will. it was very interesting. ³Show off.´ . you're as white as me!´ I joked. ³I think I need help. I pressed her hand against my face and breathed her in. I love her scent. when she clamped her legs and arms around me I took it as a µyes. I didn¶t want to lose control. ³I was thinking while running. ³Oh. Maybe one day I wouldn¶t notice. Not enough time running. I want to.´ I realised she might feel sick. I will.´ ³Remember that next time.¶ I still loved it when I got yeses.´ I said to myself. dodging trees.´ ³Put your head between your knees.´ ³Hah! You¶re as white as a ghost.´ ³Open your eyes. The trees were a blur beside me.´ ³Next time!´ I laughed at the horror in her voice. ³How do you feel?´ ³Dizzy. ³I¶m a bit heavier than your average rucksack. ³Easier all the time. so I grabbed her and placed her on my back. I had to mostly rely on instincts for my reactions to be good. nor did she move.´ Her weak voice whispered in my ear. I felt free as I weaved in and out.´ She sounded so pathetic it amused me and I no longer felt so guilty. the only reason I knew she was there is because she clung to me. We were by the car in seconds. ³I guess that wasn¶t the best idea.´ ³No. Bella. sorry.
she wanted me closer. Wait for a moment please. Of course that was never to be. I wanted to have control. ³No. sending the sparks down my temples. I laughed ³I¶m stronger than I thought. My chest tight. driving my thoughts wild. It was so hard. my voice sharp. but no monster surfaced. I stood up and gave Bella my hand. I loved how much she wanted me.³About not hitting trees. I couldn¶t pull myself away. I wanted to keep her.´ ³Tolerable?´ she sounded hurt. without risking her life. but the monster began to surface. I wanted a soul. I wanted to be human. Her lips parted for more. her voice full of sarcasm. I wanted to kiss her harder.´ ³Show off.´ I said not wanting to let go.´ ³Silly Bella. I know it will be ok. I hope. it¶s tolerable. its nothing I have to think about. my throat burned.´ She repeated. the spark that I had felt had excited her. I wanted to be able to lose control. I pushed her face backward allowing me to pull myself away. I wanted to try again. I realised that my fear shouldn¶t have been my lack of self control concerning her life. I heard her breathe.´ ³That¶s an understatement. her warm lips heated mine as I felt the electricity spark up all over my body.´ I said to her. realising I was being overly human. I wanted her close to me. It¶s nice to know. I breathed in close to her face. I never wanted to leave my Bella. I had to let go at some point.´ I said taking her face and bracing myself.´ She replied. I wanted to give that to her.´ ³Thanks so much. I always wanted her to be next to me. Alerting me to the fact that she was hungry. ³No.´ ³I wish I could say the same. but I stopped. softly. The monster retreated. I had to get used to being this close to her and forcing myself to control this monster. her heart was beating so hard I could almost feel it on my own chest. I smiled. Her brown eyes looked worried as I stared into them. ³Oops. I wanted to keep her here forever. and she had lost control. it felt as though my long dead heart could be revived. ³There. I was thinking there was something I wanted to try. but my inability to allow her to ever leave my sight again. I didn¶t want to stop. . She gasped and her hand came up. it was a strong current. her fingers in my hair. my breathing heavy my arms aching to have her back and the monster screaming in rage that I had even thought of pulling my teeth away from her face. I pressed my lips against hers. she wavered as she stood. ³Should I«?´ I felt her pull weakly against my unmoving hands. I¶m sorry.´ ³You are only human after all. running is second nature to me. I wasn¶t letting go.
I have better reflexes. which I caught. you have much slower reflexes. ³Nope. Mind over matter We pulled up outside Bella¶s house after twilight. I¶m not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can¶t even walk straight. ³I want to stay with you. could take it. friends don¶t let friends drive drunk.´ ³Drunk?´ ³You¶re intoxicated by my presence. .´ I said hopefully. I think it¶s some of both though. please.´ 15. or my truck.´ ³I¶m sure that¶s true. I've already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. Bella. Bella had spent the journey asking me questions about my family. My skin prickled.´ ³Some trust. Besides.³Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?´ ³I can¶t be sure. ³Are you insane?´ ³I can drive much better than you on your best day. ³Regardless. ³Bella. her father still out.´ ³And you¶re not affected at all by my presence?´ I stared at her. I leaned toward her to kiss her. her question ringing in my ears. She trembled.´ ³Maybe you should let me drive. Not a chance.´ She gave up and dropped the key from a height. ³Take it easy ± my truck is a senior citizen. taking the opportunity to spend extra time with her. I¶m still woozy. but I don¶t think my nerves.´ ³Can¶t I come in?´ I asked.´ ³Very sensible. ³Would you like to?´ She asked me like it was a strange question. Now we were discussing our parting. but changed my mind and brushed my lips just underneath hers.´ She tried to get past me but she nearly fell over and I had to put my arm out for her.´ ³I can¶t argue with that.´ I requested and she shook her head.
I looked bent down over her. ³Why?´ ³You¶re interesting when you sleep.´ She turned the light on and looked at me suspiciously.´ Internally. you worry about her.´ I laughed. ³Are you very angry with me?´ I asked her. but it¶s less often now.´ I climbed out of the car and rushed to her side to open hers. You used to talk about home a lot. . ³Hmm?´ ³How often did you come here?´ ³I come here almost every night. taking her hands swiftly in mine. She went to the kitchen. if it¶s all right. ³You talk. ³What else is there to do at night?´ She had always asked. I smiled. ³You miss your mother.´ I answered truthfully. looking into her eyes. I felt a smile spread across my face. her face seemed contorted in horror. the sound makes you restless. her voice sounded serious and I realised she meant my old fashioned style. Once you said.´ ³You spied on me?´ she asked. I used the key from under the eave. ³It¶s defiantly resurfacing.´ She said. ³I was curious about you. ³Don¶t be upset!´ Her face turned. stepping ahead of her and sitting in a chair. unlocking the door and opening it for her. and I followed quickly. ³The door was unlocked?´ ³No. µIt¶s too green.´ ³No!´ She blushed heavily. not my super-human speed. as she ate she asked me more questions. I watched as she made herself dinner. And when it rains. her eyes staring at my ear.´ I closed the door of the truck as she climbed out and began walking toward the door. ³That depends!´ ³On?´ ³What you heard!´ I went to her.³Yes. ³Very human.
³Oh no!´ She seemed quite distraught as she let her head fall and she stared at her feet. and Bella¶s father tended to speak whatever entered his mind. ³I thought maybe that Mike Newton«you said he was friendly. ³He¶s just a friend. I felt Bella stiffen. maybe she would have been more prepared if I had been paying attention more. I got to see Bella though. Dad. ³Should your father know I'm here?´ ³I¶m not sure«´ ³Another time then«´ I replied to her unfinished sentence. I had missed his thoughts. ³Don¶t be self-conscious. it would all be about you. facing the door and closing it quietly.³Anything else?´ ³You did say my name. through her father¶s eyes. placing my hands behind my head and listening to Charlie¶s thoughts as he came through the door. Bella opened her bedroom door and came in. I could hear my name being hissed from the landing.´ I chuckled to myself as I heard her voice break as she said the word µboys¶. Charlie¶s car pulled into the drive.´ I felt like she was telling me more than him. I hope her mother had the talk with her. none of the boys have caught my eye yet.´ I whispered in her ear. throwing it open and whispering my name. She ran straight past me to the window. I suppose at my age I was too old to be considered a boy. I laughed. I still didn¶t like him. I pulled her to me. ³Yes?´ . ³No. I laughed to myself before I went to Bella¶s room and shut her door. if I could dream at all.´ I let out a short hiss at Mike¶s name. I lay comfortably on her bed. I could hear everything said. I turned and fled up the stairs. ³None of the boys in town your type.´ ³A lot?´ ³How much do you mean by µa lot¶ exactly?´ I asked her seriously. My want for her closeness. It wasn¶t a necessity. And I'm not ashamed of it. succumbing to the feeling I had been experiencing all day. He was interrogating her about her night. eh?´ She must have picked up some healthy young lad by now. I let my thoughts wonder more as Charlie insisted she wait for college before she said goodnight and started up the stairs. knowing that my voice was more calming when it was quiet.
³Nice. a small µoh¶ escaping her lips as she put her hand to her chest in shock and she sat on the floor. she was probably right. It made me smile.´ ³Night. ³No.´ I sat on the edge of the bed. lifting her hand up at me. ³Why don¶t you sit here with me? How¶s the heart?´ ³You tell me ± I'm sure you hear it better than I do. ³Yes. Bella. my mind began to wonder to where she was.´ ³Stay. turning my head to look at her stretching my left leg into a right angle while pulling my right leg in and holding myself up with my right hand placed on my right thigh. Dad. Instead I listened in on Charlie. crossing her legs and resting her hands o her bare ankles.´ I laughed.´ She pulled a face of disbelief. ³Night. ³Certainly. in the shower and I had to fight not to picture her.´ ³Thanks. grabbed a few things from the floor and leaving the room. Bella appeared in front of him in the front room. my left arm rested on my leg as the hand fell limp over the side. her heart was still beating fast for a human.´ She took her place on the bed. it looks good on you. ³Just give me a minute to restart my heart. waiting for her to come back to me.´ Oh. even though she had calmed herself. . She was wearing a long faded t-shirt which had some gaps in the fabric and some grey cotton trousers which clung tightly to her thighs but fell straight down over her calves. ³Can I have a minute to be human?´ She asked suddenly. staring at the door and awaiting her return. however. I apologised in amusement.´ she said quietly. I pulled away from his thoughts and stared back at the bedroom door. Her hair had fallen from its twisted shape and had fallen straggled down her back.´ She commanded me. her hair wet and twisted down her back. I sat perfectly still.She turned to look at me. ma¶am. I sat up and leaned over the bed. She is serious about going to bed then. picking her up by her shoulders and sitting her next to me and took her hand. before it began to slow a little. Seeing her with my own eyes was always better than through someone else¶s. She seemed amused by this. using his eyes to watch the news. I listened to her heart beating erratically in her chest for a moment.
I wanted to see her.´ She replied. And then to find. in the last hundred years or so. now. ³Yes?´ ³Why is that. I ran my fingers over her collar bone. putting my cheek against hers and enjoying the heat seeping through my skin. my nose squishing slightly against her jaw. The multitude of ideas that ran through my mind now was immense. similar to what I was feeling. I didn¶t believe I would ever find someone I wanted to be with«in another way than my brothers and sisters. to pull her close to me. beneath her ear and breathed in her burning scent. nuzzling into her neck. I'm driving her crazy? ³Really?´ I smiled. I wanted to kiss her. ³Charlie thinks I'm sneaking out. I pushed my next word out with such difficulty that it was almost a whisper. I wanted to be pressed close against her. I had to be cautious. actually.´ ³Does it seem that way to you?´ I asked. I was glad to make her feel even a fraction of what she did to me. they didn¶t do her justice. I moved her hair out of my face as my lips rested on the side of her neck. ³Hmm. ³Did I do something wrong?´ ³No ± the opposite. much easier.³What was all that for?´ I asked her. even though it¶s all new to me. ³So I was wondering«´ She didn¶t finish. do you think?´ I laughed a bit.´ She continued. ³You look very warm. they tingled from the excitement.´ She pulled back suddenly. to hold her.´ I lifted her face and looked at her eyes. I could not allow my mind stretch like this. her breath had caught in her throat. that I'm good at it«at . her voice sounding strained. Why?´ ³Apparently I look a little overexcited. I never imagined anything like this. She looked amazing. ³Mmmmm«´ I sighed in enjoyment. ³Mind over matter.´ I replied to her. my body overcome by the warmth and comfort of hers. ³Would you like a round of applause?´ ³I¶m just pleasantly surprised. all of her. but my head slipped down her neck and found itself nestled very close to her breast. She didn¶t smell bad before. stopping my breath.´ I was struggling to reply to her. The clothes which hung loosely from her body dissatisfied me. she felt amazing. You're driving me crazy. ³Much. I pulled away sharply and her soft eyes penetrated mine causing my body to tense. ³It seems to be«much easier for you.´ I already knew that. I needed a good beating. to be close to me. that¶s what I needed. ³Oh.
If it gets to be«too much.´ ³Wow that was easy. ³You seem more«optimistic than usual. It¶s incredible. Until I made up my mind that I was strong enough. if I ran fast and far away enough. for long enough it was possible.´ I finished sadly. ³That suits me. that there was no possibility at all that I would«that I ever could«´ The words just wouldn¶t form in my mouth. I didn¶t want to think about it. ³You're good at everything. it was unforgivable for me to behave so.´ I began.´ Ah. I've had the scent of you in my head all day. ³And while there was still a possibility that I might be«overcome. I¶ve read about it a hundred thousand times. ³Easy for you!´ I pushed on her nose like a button. ³undecided. . seen actors portray it in a thousand different plays and movies. ³I¶m trying. ³The day you started talking to me again.´ She argued and I shrugged. I think.being with you«´ Again I couldn¶t finish. ³So there¶s no possibility now?´ ³Mind over matter. so she had noticed. and experiencing it?´ ³Very different. I believed I understood that one pretty clearly. I'm fairly sure I¶ll be able to leave. and all that. a soft pain resonating in her voice. again she asked me why it was suddenly so easy compared to earlier that day. You see. though. seeing it in the pictures. but this afternoon. I didn¶t want her to hear it. more forceful than I¶d imagined. as though I had taken too long. Bring on the shackles ± I'm your prisoner. I haven¶t seen you like this before. ³the emotion of jealousy.´ ³Not unforgivable. Not quite from scratch. ³It¶s not easy. I wasn¶t sure if I was strong enough«´ I took her hand in mine and pressed it to my face to show her.´ She pleaded.´ ³For example.´ ³Thank you. I was«susceptible. I smiled. I was still«´ I searched frantically for a word. But it shocked me«Do you remember the day Mike asked you to the dance?´ I asked her. I laughed. the difference between reading about something. If I'm away from you for any length of time. and I've grown amazingly desensitised. thinking of Mike. my stomach growling as I remembered it. I¶ll have to start all over again.´ It sounded as though she was mocking me.´ ³Isn¶t it supposed to be like this? The glory of first love.´ ³Don¶t go away. breathing in the burning sensation as I spoke. isn¶t it. then.´ I said laughing. I am sorry about that. ³And it will be harder tomorrow. the overwhelming desire for her overpowered me too much.
at first I thought you¶d woken. It made me angry.´ I remembered it as I spoke. ³I waited. or someone like him. but even if she wasn¶t like a sister to me. Emmet or no Emmet. no. ³I know there¶s no competition. I couldn¶t ever explain to myself. how can I compete with that?´ I knew her opinion of Rosalie would eventually overcome her. though. after I have to hear that Rosalie ± Rosalie. for that to bother you. and sighed. moral. So much more powerful than I would have thought. ³Of course Rosalie is beautiful in her way. ³You spoke so clearly. ³That was the first night I came here.´ I promised her. and everything feels stronger because it¶s fresh.´ ³But honestly. ³There¶s no competition.´ ³That made you feel jealous. I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should.´ She argued. almost fury. when she spoke my name. And then the line started forming. why you refused him. ethical. It felt as though my own skin had warmed and I had returned to a human state just from the sound of my name on her lips. Rosalie ± was meant for you. staggering. ³And then. unreasonably anxious to hear what you would say to them. I tried not to care. that someday you would say yes to Mike. unable to continue. And irrational!´ I exclaimed. even if Emmet didn¶t belong with her. ³But jealousy«it¶s a strange thing. feeling the growl in my chest bubble to my throat. or if I left for a few years. ³I should have known you¶d be listening.´ I laughed as I remembered her angry face in my rear-view mirror. The feeling that coursed through me then was unnerving. that¶s the problem. not realising . When we were in the car. I felt like I was drowning in my own emotions. watching the annoyance on your face.´ I remembered how my heart had suddenly felt like it was alive again. that I felt ± I didn¶t recognise what it was at first. But you rolled over restlessly and mumbled my name once more. I swallowed it. the incarnation of pure beauty. Even now. Bella¶s heart was beating hard. you¶re resurrecting the human in me. nor anyone else for that matter. her voice muffled. And I knew I couldn¶t ignore you any longer. For almost ninety years I've walked among my kind. like it could burst through my chest. I wrestled all night. ³Just now when Charlie asked you about that vile Mike Newton«´ I shook my head. you said my name. really?´ ³I¶m new at this. she had taken it so well that I had thought she was OK. till you were gone.´ ³Of course. But I couldn¶t be sure. I was even more aggravated than usual that I couldn¶t know what you were thinking. with the chasm between what I knew was right.³I was surprised by the flare of the resentment. pulling her close to my chest. and what I wanted. skipping every now and again. as you were sleeping. I still found myself drowning. one hundredth of the attraction you hold for me. Was it simply for our friend¶s sake? Was there someone else? I knew I had no right to care either way. while watching you sleep. why I felt so smothered. she could never have one tenth.
The first thought in my head had been innocent enough. I haven¶t had to wait at all.´ ³Darn it. drowning in the sounds of her heartbeat and wanting to press myself more firmly against her and breathing in her scent. You only have to turn your back on nature. returning to his room. Why should I get off so easily?´ ³Your right. in her warmth. Bella had noticed.´ ³Not yet. I began to hum it to myself before stopping to whisper in her ear. which almost had me laughing. but as the words formed on my lips.´ ³It hardly seems fair. on humanity«what¶s that worth?´ She was wrong. ³You do it all the time. ³Should I sing you to sleep?´ ³Right«Like I could sleep with you here!´ She laughed. reminded me of the song I had written for her. ³You¶re a terrible actress ± I¶d say that career path is out for you. because you weren¶t alive yet. with a small groan. and then decided he was reading too much into it. throwing me off course again. chuckling. but Charlie¶s voice in my head made me alert. Then he left.´ I muttered. ³You only have to risk your life every second you spend with me. I held her tight. ³Lie down!´ I whispered. waiting for her to crack. I was the one who had it easy. my heart striving to beat and my body striving to sweat as my nerves prickled and pulled her close.what I was seeking. I suppose she could have just dried her hair and got redressed.´ I replied. I watched her as she scrambled under her duvet into a small ball. I stepped out over to Bella and wrapped myself around her as I climbed into bed with her.´ Being this close to her.´ She protested. before freeing one hand to stroke her hair. ³If I don¶t want to sleep«?´ I chuckled. . she tried to breath evenly. And not finding anything. amused. hoping that she would never let go. I should at least check. a stream of images I had acquired from her friends had run through my head. ³What ±´ She was about to ask me something. that¶s surely not much. a little too loud as Charlie opened the door in his chequered pyjama shirt and some mismatched lounge pants. he stood there a bit.´ I replied. ³So if you don¶t want to sleep«´ I stopped. loud enough so that Bella would hear. Bella rolled over onto her back. Charlie didn¶t believe it either. I sped across her floor and hid in her cupboard. defiantly. ³Very little ± I don¶t feel deprived of anything. ³But I didn¶t know you were here. so that I know one way or the other. I should make this harder for you.
³Did you fall asleep?´ ³No. breathing in her flavour. hoping that the burning sensation and my overwhelming emotions might distract me from the thoughts that were floating around unrestrained in my mind. I wanted to move further. ³I've decided what I want to do. as though hearing my outrageous thoughts. ³Tell me when you decide. There was no meaning to a life with no sleep. I though it was obvious«to a point. but eventually I decided to check. So I could understand why someone would question why I ignored my instincts.´ Bella didn¶t speak. ³I'm not sure. I had always wondered why others had never questioned the fact that they had suddenly craved human blood after days of pain caused by being bitten by another. To try and retain whatever essential humanity we can. ³That¶s a good question. You have a very floral smell. Please don¶t misunderstand.³What do you want to do then?´ I decided to ask her.´ ³Ask me anything. We had been reduced to animals. But you see. after so many others had just taken it willingly as what they were. it¶s mouth watering. That¶s all we were.´ I returned to her jaw. I just don¶t see why you would bother in the first place. and you're not the first one to ask it. rather than leaving my mouth to motor off on its own little imaginative tangent.´ She answered after some time. ³I thought you were desensitized.´ ³Is that all you were curious about?´ ³Not quite?´ ³What else do you want to know?´ . She was so weak. She didn¶t move. Voicing how insane she made me had caused hunger. But instead it just drove me more wild. I wanted to be like her.´ The question sat painfully in my mind. I was so wrong for her. seemingly human being. I wanted to touch her. I wanted to hold her and kiss her and keep her close. my nose sliding down her soft skin. of course I'm glad that you do. I waited to see if she was shocked. too wonder at how we live. I wanted a human life. and I«a monster. The others ± the majority of our kind who are quite content with our lot ± they. ³Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn¶t mean I cant appreciate the bouquet.´ ³Yeah. no dreams. I want to hear more about you. just because we¶ve been«dealt a certain hand«it doesn¶t mean that we cant choose to rise above ± to conquer the boundaries of a destiny that no one of us wanted. ³I still don¶t understand how you can work so hard to resist what you«are.´ She said. I hated this life.´ I laughed and then I sighed. it¶s an off day when I don¶t get somebody telling me how edible I smell. Suddenly she spoke again.´ ³Why do you do it?´ she asked me after a moment. her taste. Instincts for hunting and survival. I understood what she meant though. like lavender«or freesia.
Esme brought her ability to love passionately. or excite a lethargic crowd. where they are intensified ± like our minds. ³We don¶t really know. and then someone must have changed him.´ . not wanting to push her. Jasper is very interesting. is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the delicate angelfish with the shark. seeing the future«why does that happen?´ I shrugged. ³What is it?´ ³No. for example. conversely. Rosalie her«tenacity. predator and prey? Or if you don¶t believe that all this world could have just happened on its own. tonight. I just did something without thinking. He thinks that I must have already been very sensitive to the thoughts of those around me. and so on«´ ³Well where did you come from? Evolution? Creation? Couldn¶t we have evolved in the same way as other species. luckily this wasn¶t a bad time. Now he is able to manipulate the emotions of those around him ± calm down a room full of angry people. Whoops. ³So where did it all start? I mean.´ ³What did he bring into the next life. could create both our kinds together?´ ³Let me get this straight ± I'm the baby seal. I changed my mind. This made me wonder more what her question was. and the next day and the next«´ ³Are you sure you wont vanish in the morning? You are mythical. the baby seal and the killer whale.´ ³I wont leave you.³Why can you read minds ± why only you? And Alice. forget it. which is hard for me to accept myself. Or you could call it her pigheadedness. after all. right?´ ³Right.´ I laughed and kissed her hair in amusement. It wasn¶t so bad. then.´ I saw the redness in her cheeks and felt the heat rise to them as she blushed. He was quite charismatic in his first life. and the others?´ ³Carlisle brought his compassion. able to influence those around him to see things his way. Carlisle changed you.´ ³One more. I had to have more control.´ ³We have tomorrow. but if I forget myself like this it could cause problems. Carlisle has a theory«he believes that we all bring something of our strongest human traits with us into the next life. No. ³Are you ready to sleep? Or did you have any more questions?´ ³Only a million or two. and our senses. And that Alice had some precognition wherever she was. Emmet brought his strength. It¶s a very subtle gift.´ She was quiet again so I waited this time.
You don¶t realise how incredibly breakable you are. meaning to touch your face.marriage«the same for humans?´ I laughed. Then there was the mortality issue. Bella. ³Yes?´ ³You said that Rosalie and Emmet will get married soon«is that«. Marriage with Bella? I never imagined she would ever want or think something like that. It¶s bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleeptalking. I can never. while her mood seemed to be all for it.´ I used my µdazzling¶ voice to beg her. just hidden behind more powerful desires. My heart fell. which irritated me. I suppose it is much the same. and crush your skull by mistake. you can ask me anything. hiding her face beneath her hair.´ ³Oh.´ ³Was there a purpose behind your curiosity?´ ³Well. But I couldn¶t. For one. ³I don¶t think that«that«would be possible for us. But that¶s not what I was thinking of. never afford to lose any kind of control when I'm with you. not hearing your thoughts. If I was too hasty«if for one second I wasn¶t paying enough attention. I knew that she would grow old. Why had she blushed? I groaned. Please?´ ³Well«´ she went quiet. ³If you don¶t tell me. simply by accident. ³I keep thinking it will get less and less frustrating. I told you. and I would return to the shadows. I did wonder«about you and me«someday«´ I froze as her blood flooded to her cheeks and I suddenly realised what she was getting at.³Bella. ³Please?´ but she shook her head. I wanted to get her up and stare into her eyes. keeping to myself and protecting her forever from the background.´ She didn¶t respond. if I were that«close?´ ³That¶s certainly a problem. marriage would condone a sex life. There would be no marriage for us. I knew full well that being in the heat of the moment around Bella would never. ever be a good idea.´ She didn¶t speak.´ ³I'm glad you cant read my thoughts. most of those human desires are there. I have to mind my actions every moment that we¶re together so that I don¶t hurt you. No matter how much I loved her. so fragile. I wanted to go now. I could kill you quite easily. I didn¶t know how I could with Bella.´ I answered sadly. I¶ll just assume its something worse than it is. It¶s just that you are so soft. one day she would need someone to grow old with her. I had seen scenes in other people¶s thoughts and it was very much an in-the-heat-of-the-moment thing. ³Is that what you're getting at? Yes. My . She wanted to know whether marriage involved some sadist acts of biting or sacrificing. But it just gets worse and worse. ³Because it would be too hard for you. I could reach out. while I could never grow.
and then she was quiet. occasionally sweeping her hair out of her face.´ I saw her yawn and smiled.´ My heart could have skipped. . ³Are you scared?´ ³No. I told you I've never felt like this about anyone before.´ ³I'm not sure if I can.mm«I love Edward. Now you should sleep.hand was resting on her cheek and I felt the warmth dissipate from it. We have that one thing in common at least. I watched her silently. though she answered it all the same. but he didn¶t wake. a few words about how happy she was. if it weren¶t for the fact that it was dead.´ ³Do you want me to leave?´ ³No!´ I laughed at her. and only stopped humming when she mumbled my name. her collar bone rising and falling with her breath and a small smile stuck on her face. not even close. ³That¶s nice. her heat rushing to my hand again.´ ³I know. ³Mhhhmmm«Edward«. though. do you find me attractive. I'm fine.´ ³Your human instincts«Well.´ I felt her body heat seep into my skin and I found myself wondering about her experiences. I know love and lust don¶t always keep the same company. ³I may not be human.´ My body relaxed a bit and I was glad I didn¶t have to feel any jealousy over a man I wouldn¶t ever meet. I heard Charlie stir in his room. Have you ever«?´ I couldn¶t finish the question. glad of the fact that she could not hear my thoughts. She didn¶t speak much after that. amused by how loud she was. I never wondered whether she had been with someone else before in that way. I didn¶t even notice when she fell asleep. I had imagined being with her so often. in that way. but I am a man. Now.´ ³They do for me. touch her and occasionally kiss her forehead while she slept soundly. I watched her chest rise and fall. She mentioned the kiss. anyway. longed to be. that they exit for me at all. Its just that I know other people¶s thoughts. She was in my arms and I could hold her. glad to find myself where I had. ³I've answered your questions. at all?´ I laughed. ³I'm curious now. ³Of course not. so many times before now. so I returned to humming her song again.
If I don¶t tell you Carlisle¶s message who will? I sighed and turned. informing me of the dawn.´ ³Alice as well?´ ³To help Jasper. ³Edward. I watched her in peace.´ I replied. ³Where is everyone?´ ³They¶ve gone hunting. If you¶re not doing anything he says he's got today off. I trotted down the stairs to find Rosalie standing in front of the door waiting. I had tuned her thoughts out but now she was screaming at me. I wanted to feel her warmth. not wanting to miss a thing. Getting changed as quickly as I could. see you later then. I¶ll see. and she smiled weakly and walked away. .´ ³Oh right. Sure.´ She nodded ³OK. staring at her small smile all through the night until the sun¶s first rays caused my skin to reflect across the walls. I ran home as quick as I could and jumped in the shower. I walked past her without a word. I wanted to enjoy her company again. still angry at her for her attitude toward Bella at lunch on Friday.As much as I didn¶t want to miss her face as she slept I had to shower and change. I climbed back through Bella¶s window and got myself back into the position I had had before I left.´ I finished awkwardly. ³What?´ ³He wants to meet Bella.´ She called after me. Well. I didn¶t want this calm to end.