I let my foot off the gas a little when I realised, like a wave of impending doom, what my

next hurdle was to be. I was getting closer to Rose and her angered thoughts; I looked at the
small clock on the dashboard, it was too early to go back, I sighed and pulled into the drive.

Oh here he is, the wretched idiot. Selfish stupid boy; we could all suffer because of this.

Her anger caused me to wince as her thoughts strayed toward my shiny Aston Martin. I knew
it, whenever she was angry, her first thought would always be my car. I rested my hand on
the door handle and, after composing myself, entered the threshold. Welcome home Edward.
Emmet’s voice drifted through my head. I don’t know how long I can hold her down. I bit
back a slight smile and walked into the dining room where everyone was sitting at the table
waiting for me.

A slight crease had formed on Carlisle’s forehead and his thoughts were jumping through the
pros and cons of Bella’s knowledge, Esme watched him with concern, however her mind
screamed in excitement. If it wasn’t for the presences of Jasper and Rose, this discussion
could have been a debate about some trivial matter. However Jasper looked straight at me and
glared, he was sat next to Alice, who had wrapped her arm around his in an attempt to calm
him.

I don’t like this. You’ve caused us problems, but Alice seems to agree with you and I cannot
go against her on this.

I nodded at him in thanks, but his glare and Rosalie’s ugly expression still gave the
impression that this was some kind of intervention. I sighed again as Rose’s thoughts
screeched at me causing my eyes to squint. Emmet laid his hand on her shoulder, which she
pushed off almost instantly in irritation to which he shrugged and laid back in his chair.

“Edward, please sit so that we can discuss this.” I was seated before Carlisle finished his
sentence, hasty to keep him happy. I wanted to speak first, before Rose could voice the words
which were penetrating my own thoughts like sharp needles, but this time I wasn’t
apologising.

“I know that this has caused risk, and I understand why there may be negative feelings about
this, but I do not feel any regret that she knows.”

I suddenly felt like a small child, who had done something naughty and refused to admit it.
Rose’s facial expression went from anger to outright fury; she spoke so fast that there was no
reason to read her thoughts. The swear words had ceased and she was now scoffing my
intentions.

“How could you!” She spat across the table, “We might have to move again!”

“Now Rose, it will not come to that just yet.” Carlisle interrupted, his brow still furrowed.

“Still!” Rose’s voice was high pitched, full of anger, a human’s voice would have broken.
“You told her! Did you not think of the consequences? No! Of course not! You just threw
caution into the wind like you did when you allowed yourself to fall for the weak human.”
She sniffed, and my throat burned in anger as I snarled; only Emmet’s voice stopped me from
springing out of the chair that I was planted in.
“Isn’t that a little harsh? What’s done is done. We need to discuss how to deal with it. We
can’t change it.”

“Besides Rose, he didn’t tell her.” Alice had stood at Rosalie’s words and Jasper’s arm had
tightened around hers. “She got the idea from a Quileute boy.” Alice’s thoughts ran wild and
I noticed the corner of her mouth as it appeared to twitch slightly. Carlisle’s eyes snapped up
from the table to look at Alice.

“The Quileutes?” They broke the treaty?

“No Carlisle.” I broke in, “It was a young boy, Bella asked him about the myths and why we
weren’t allowed down to La Push. I don’t think he knew it was a true story.”

Carlisle’s face relaxed, Rose’s mouth opened slightly to continue, but he raised a hand.

“I think this might have worked out for the better. Both Edward and Alice believe she will
not tell anyone, and so far she has proved that to be the case spectacularly.” He looked up at
me, his face serious. “However, this means there is a lot of pressure on you now, if anything
goes wrong, it’s something you are going to have to fix.” He thought for a moment before
finishing. “I think we should meet at some point. I am interested about her as an exception to
you. I would like to know more.”

It was clear that Rose couldn’t handle the direction of this anymore. She stood up, standing
taller than Alice and looking down at my face.

“I can’t ignore this!” She growled. “What about our secret? What about our pact with the
Quileutes? Even if that boy did break it, as far as they know it’s still very much in tact. What
if Edward doesn’t get a chance to eat one day and slips up? How are you going to hide that
from the Quileutes? And if that doesn’t happen, what are we going to do about them? They
won’t see Edward’s infatuation with his food as mitigating circumstances! The Volturi will
kill us all for allowing it!” Her eyes flashed in anger as Carlisle shook his head.

“We will deal with the Volturi if and when they find out about this, but for now, Rose I must
ask you to allow this.”

Carlisle then stood and left the room, Esme following. Alice smiled and took Jasper’s hand,
whose thoughts had softened since I had walked in and Emmet looked concerned at Rosalie
as she slumped back into her chair, her arms folded and her bottom lip protruding slightly.
Emmet sighed. Like a small spoilt child who has been told she can’t have her pony. I couldn’t
help but laugh at Emmet’s shocking thought. He smirked at me but immediately hid the smile
when he saw Rose looking between himself and me.

“And what, may I ask, is so terribly amusing?” She directed the question at me, so I felt I
should answer without dropping Emmet in it.

“Nothing dear sister, Emmet just allowed himself to remember our fake conversation in
Spanish today. But I will allow him to explain the details as I am going out.”

“Off to get a little snack are you?” She sneered. I walked away without a word.
It was only eleven. I didn’t usually go to Bella’s until at least twelve, however tonight she
was already sleeping, though not soundly. She repeated my name over and over turning this
way and that, her tangled web of hair stuck to the back of her neck. Tonight, my emotions got
the better of me, and I walked over to her and placed my hand on the back of her neck in an
attempt to cool her. The heat from her skin against my hand would have made my heart stop
if it wasn’t already dead. Instead, the heat consumed me. She groaned and called my name
again, I quickly removed my hand as she rolled onto her back. I stood for a moment, staring. I
watched her chest rise and fall, her collar bones following suit. Her lips were full and slightly
parted and a stray clump of hair had got stuck to the side of her face. As I removed the hair
and tucked it behind her ear I felt a spark of electricity. I looked at my hand and looked back
at her warm soft glowing skin. The electricity hit me like I was in a wind tunnel. I couldn’t do
anything but stare at her beautiful face as my body seemed to vibrate with electricity. I
stepped back and decided to look at her books, crouching down I vaguely scanned. She had
quite a few books I had enjoyed. I saw the book she had been reading before and reached out
to pull it down, before pausing and suddenly realising it had gone very quiet. My head
snapped toward the bed where Bella had just sat upright. I couldn’t see her face but she
sighed, wiped her forehead and collapsed back into her pillows with a loud huff.

Until she fell asleep again I remained a rock; no breathing, no movement. I, the vampire, who
could sit in a crouched position for hours without moving and still change position without
achy legs and knees which crack. I had no need to strain either. I had decided to sit back in
the rocking chair but found myself staring at her quiet face, her lips had parted again, and
although every time I had been here I had thought of all the different things I could do to this
girl and caused myself unnecessary excitement, yet avoided it, I suddenly didn’t want to
avoid this. I wanted to kiss her. I took two very meaningful steps forward and brought my
face in close to hers, my nose almost touching hers. The heat and electricity emanated out of
her skin and washed over me. I parted my own lips and breathed her scent in, my throat
burning so much I wanted to scream. I stood sharply up. No. I had promised that it was all
down to her from now on. She would always have the choice.

“Edward?”

I darted up the wall to the ceiling, my fingers gripping myself on the cupboard and my foot
on her tall shelving unit, holding my body flat, my back brushing the ceiling as she sat up
straight in bed and turned her light on to look around her room, wiping her forehead and
sighing again. The sound was beautiful. An angel could not make a sigh sound so beautiful. I
silently laughed at my earlier pretentious view of myself as her guardian vampire. Silly. She
didn’t need a guardian angel. She was an angel. She was my angel. My strange, backward
thinking, clumsy angel. I watched through from above as she whispered to herself.

“Another dream.”

She laid back into her pillows and stared at the ceiling; inches away from my shadow, I
backed myself into a slow silent crouch, crawling down quietly to the floor, each shelf at a
time. Bella started to toss and turn again. I stared at her, my heart warm. She dreams of me so
often, it seems. I opened the window and sat on the window sill. Allowing myself a quick
escape route if she awoke again and she was so hot that the fresh air would probably do her
the good. She awoke many times more during the night, but when she was still I continued to
stare finding myself enticed by her beauty. I was so distracted that it took me a moment to
realise that the strange mirror ball effect that was appearing on the walls was me, due to the
direct sunlight caused by the sunrise. I had to leave. I walked to her bed and kissed her
forehead; I would at least allow myself that. Her skin burned my lips and the monster I had
suppressed so well for so long made its presence known by bounding around inside me in an
excited dog like fashion. I left then, closing the window behind me. I couldn’t allow Alice’s
vision become a reality.

I waited round the corner of Bella’s house, waiting for Charlie to leave. I had left early and
couldn’t wait to see her, to speak to her. To interrogate her with my own questions, which
she, of course, would be forced to answer. I had to concentrate a little hard to pick up Charlie
Swan’s thoughts, but once I found them I got to see her. She was frowning as her father asked
her about the girls choice dance, but her face softened as Charlie looked at his plate, where a
half eaten fried egg lay looking back at me. I sighed. Well I suppose eggs aren’t like
everyday food. Charlie finished off the egg. His head full of negative thoughts about how
maybe Bella wasn’t fitting in at school. Did she ask a boy and he say no? No. That’s not like
Isabella. She probably just wanted to keep to herself. I don’t like this Seattle idea though. Not
on her own in a big city. His thoughts continued as he waved goodbye to Bella and even after
he had driven out of sight. I pulled my car into her driveway and hesitated, should I get out
and knock on the door? I looked up at the big house and was greeted by Bella’s smiling face
in the window. I stared out the windscreen as I heard her footsteps tumble down the stairs of
her house. As she sat in the car next to me I greeted her and searched her face for signs of
harm she may have caused herself in the twenty minutes of which she had been alone without
me.

“How are you today?”

“Good, thank you.” She seemed to be bubbly and pleased to see me. This pleased me, but the
dark circles under her eyes did not. Was it dreaming of me that caused her to suffer so? “You
look tired.”

“I couldn’t sleep.”

“Neither could I.” I laughed internally at my own joke as I turned the key in the ignition and
she laughed.

“I guess that’s right. I suppose I slept just a little bit more than you did.”

“I’d wager you did.” I knew exactly how much she had slept, this conversation amused me.

“So, what did you do last night?”

I knew it. She was trying again. Still amused I laughed at her. “Not a chance. It’s my day to
ask questions.”
“Oh, that’s right.” She sounded disappointed, “What do you want to know?”

“What’s your favourite colour?” It sounded like a stupid question the moment it left my lips.
But I really did want to know. No matter how trivial. I wanted to know everything.

“It changes from day to day.”

“What’s your favourite colour today?

“Probably brown.” Brown? Out of all the colours in the world she chooses the colour of mud?
Humans tend to like bright colours, or so I thought, her tendency to be so non-conformist
made me laugh. She had to be joking.

“Brown?” I doubled checked as I leaned in closer to her and looked for her expression.

“Sure.” She seemed genuine. “Brown is warm. I miss brown. Everything that’s supposed to
be brown – tree trunks, rocks, dirt – is all covered up with squishy green stuff here,” She
complained.

Of course. I had forgotten. She liked the dry. She didn’t like the ‘cold and the wet’. And of
course brown…It had been my favourite colour for weeks. Her eyes, that chocolate brown,
like warm melted chocolate.

“You’re right, brown is warm.” I said to her. Incapable of taking my eyes away from hers,
which were obscured by a piece of hair, I took it in my fingers and swept it behind her
shoulder, before turning into the school. I parked and fired my next question.

“What music is in your CD player right now?”

For some reason she blushed. “Linkin Park.” Wow. She really doesn’t conform. She likes
everything, seriously eclectic. Her taste in music made me smile. I had acquired my tastes
due to being around for so long and simply always liking something new. She was old before
her time. I reached into the CD compartment of my car and pulled out my copy of Hybrid
Theory. I smiled again as I handed it to her.

“Debussy to…this?” I watched her as she traced her finger over the cover.

I walked her to English and asked her more. And then spent my time in Spanish thinking up
new questions and watching how she worked in her lesson. Then at lunch I had more
questions.

“What’s your favourite film?” She mentioned an action film where the car chase scenes were
eccentric.

“What film do you hate?” It was a horror called alone in the dark.

“Why?” I wondered aloud.

“Horrors should be scary. That one’s just bad.” She shrugged. I smiled.

I asked her more about books and places, she liked Wuthering Heights. Jane Austen.
Shakespeare. She liked classics.

“Shakespeare because of the romantic stories?” I asked, guessing the answer due to the most
common thoughts of young girls today, I was surprised when she laughed at me.

“Not just that. I do like the bits of romance, but they’re few and far between.” She looked at
me. “I like Shakespeare because of what he did, who he was. He wasn’t some fluffy English
romance writer. He questioned politics and religion. He caused outrage. He could have been
killed for his thoughts, instead he was commended.” Her eyes sparkled and I paused for a
moment. She really was a Shakespeare fan. She was well informed, she saw much more
deeply than I gave her credit for.

I continued to fire at her she blushed every now and then, but she seemed ok. I wanted to
know everything. I wanted to know how she ticked. What she thought. If I knew enough
about her maybe I could at least guess her thoughts.

“What’s your favourite number?”

“Thirty-eight”

“Food?”

“Pasta”

“Gemstone?”

“Topaz.” I was about to move on to another but I caught her blushing. “I mean garnet.”

“Why the sudden change?” I asked. Her warm skin flowed with blood, the corners of my
mouth twitched. I love it when she blushes.

“No reason.”

“Tell me.” I insisted she wasn’t looking at me I wanted to lift her chin up so I could look into
her eyes.

“It’s the colour of your eyes today.” She sighed, but still didn’t look at me, she fidgeted
before dropping her hands only to lift the left and scratch her head. “I suppose if you asked
me in two weeks I’d say onyx.”

What?

“What kinds of flowers do you prefer?” I threw that question out there so I could think about
what she had said. I didn’t want to make her feel more uncomfortable, and it had made me
feel slightly uncomfortable too. She sighed in relief and I, I am shameful to say, didn’t hear
her answer. No. I will think about this later. I must listen to everything.
Complications. Eurgh. Biology. I love sitting with Bella. I really enjoy the time we have to be
close together, but Mr Banner insisted on rolling the TV into the room and turning the lights
off. I had spent too much of the night dealing with her heat and her electricity. It’s all very
well by ourselves, but I don’t know what to do with myself in a dark room where no one can
see what I'm doing. I attempted to move my chair up slightly, hoping she wouldn’t notice. I
didn’t want to offend her. However when the light went off I could almost hear the buzzing
of the static charge that seemed to linger between the two of us. Was it coming from me? Or
her? She leaned forward and folded her arms, resting her chest on them and her chin on the
table. I watched her for a while, picking out her features and staring at the way her hair
flowed out down her back.

What is he doing? What a weirdo, he’s just staring at her. He doesn’t seem to be moving, like
some kind of murderous stalker out on the prowl.

Mike’s voice angered me. I knew he couldn’t see small movements, but the film was boring
and every other student was fidgeting or doodling or leaning, and a quiet breathing in the
back of class told me someone was sleeping. I leaned on my elbow; realising Mike had
noticed my fault, and looked back at Bella. She’d said topaz. Just because of my eyes. She
likes my eyes. Was that what she meant? She even likes them when I'm hungry. That’s not
normal. She really is brave. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. I love her eyes. Why couldn’t
she love mine.

…Edward Cullen as mushy. Strange. Eurgh Why does she even like him so much? He’s still
staring at her. Eurgh the things I would do to him if no one was around...size isn’t
everything. I could probably take him if his stupid oafish brother kept out of it.

I turned to look at mike as his thoughts interrupted my own thoughts. I glared at him and
watched him cower. What did he think he could do to a monster like me?

Did his eyes just flash red when he looked at me? He really does just look hungry to me.

I smiled to myself and turned back to look at Bella as Mr Banner made to turn the TV off and
the light back on. She turned and looked at me. Finally. That’s what I wanted. Those eyes. I
got out of my seat and waited by the door. Silently I walked her to Gym. I allowed myself to
touch her face with the back of my hand, fighting the urge to take her and kiss her here. I
couldn’t afford to. Not yet. I turned and walked away, only until I knew she was inside her
class. I turned back and leaned against the wall and listened in on her Gym lesson, or more
Mike’s complaints.

I mean, yesterday she giggled. Giggled! What exactly do they do. I meant food…not…
Dammit! Why him? What’s so special. I mean I can see the appeal. But I thought it was a
joke that women like the dark brooding type. I never thought they really truly meant it. What
did her giggle mean?

He continued to struggle with how far his imagination let him go, imagining similar scenes to
what Jessica had imagined in the first place. They suited each other really. They were both
pains in my ass. Forcing me to imagine what my own girlfriend would feel like that close to
me. And oh…how I wish I could. Mike’s jealousy cheered me up.

When she came out she smiled instantaneously, causing my face to break into my own smile.
She looked perfect. Her hair was swept back in a rush to get out of the changing room, which
I had out of politeness, not listened in on; and her top clung loosely to her body as though
she’d stretched it in a rush to get it back on.

“How was Gym?”

“Fine.” She grumbled, making me smile.

“Do you like any sport?”

“I like it all if I'm not involved.” She smiled back.

“What about home?” I asked. “What do you miss most.”

She seemed to consider this. “My mum.” She sighed. “The smells, the scenery, the warmth –
I’d say the sun, but the longer I am here the less I seem to miss it.” She looked at me slightly
from the side but continued to walk and returned to staring straight ahead, as she stumbled
over her own foot. I pretended not to notice or to connect the reason she might not miss the
sun as having anything to do with me.

“What smells? What scenery? Describe it to me.”

“Hmm…” She considered again, tapping her lip with a finger and giving me a small smile as
she tried hard to remember. “The scent of the creosote, it smells kind of bitter, slightly
resinous, but still pleasant. The high kneeing sound of the cicadas in July, the feathery
barrenness of the trees,” Her eyes seemed distant, she seemed more beautiful when she spoke
of memories, her voice quieter, softer. Like a song or a poem. “The very size of the sky,” She
continued, “extending white-blue from horizon to horizon, barely interrupted by the low
mountains covered with purple volcanic rock. It’s beautiful. The way the sun reflects off
landscapes.”

“How is it beautiful?” I asked sadly, never having seen it.

She frowned, as though this was a difficult question and opened her mouth two or three times
before stopping, turning and lifting her hands and using them to depict. “The shapes of the
mountains, the valleys between the craggy hills, even the fact that everything is half dead. It
makes everything seem deeper. The changes in height, the reflections in water.”

She continued to describe Phoenix to me and I suddenly hated my inability to go out in the
sun. I probed her more to describe her mum, Phil, her house, her room. When she finished I
was thinking about the ability to be out in the sun, how much I missed the feeling of heat, that
only she seemed to be able to give me. Charlie Swan’s thoughts suddenly entered my mind.
He was thinking about some game on the TV. I stopped to listen.

“Are you finished?” Bella asked, sounding almost tired.

“Not even close – but your father will be home soon.”

“Charlie!” she paused and looked out of the window of the car which I had absent mindedly
driven her home in. “How late is it?” Her voice floated over so quietly that for a second I
thought I had suddenly heard a thought. She looked at the clock and I looked out at the
horizon.

“It’s twilight.” I muttered gazing out of the windscreen, boring old night time soon. This was
the closest to real sun I had seen in centuries really, to me, Bella had more experience than
me; I envied her ability to enjoy the sun on her face, attempting to tan, playing in the ocean
with friends and family. “It’s the safest time of day for us. The easiest time. But also the
saddest, in a way…the end of another day, the return of the night. Darkness is so predictable
don’t you think?”

“I like the night. Without the dark, we’d never see the stars.” That was just like her.
Something positive in everything. Every cloud… “Not that you see them here much.” She
continued to grumble, making me laugh.

Charlie’s voice suddenly began to get louder, as I saw the patch of road he was making his
way down.

“Charlie will be here in a few minutes. So, unless you want to tell him that you’ll be with me
Saturday…” I raised an eyebrow at her in hint.

“Thanks, but no thanks. Is it my turn tomorrow, then?”

“Certainly not!” I did my best to look angry at her for even suggesting it. “I told you I wasn’t
done, didn’t I?”

“What more is there?”

“You’ll find out tomorrow.” I reached across to open the door to let her out but a new voice
in my head made me freeze. Billy Black. “Not good.”

“What is it?” Bella asked me her eyes worryingly searching my face for the answer.

“Another complication.” I'm sick of these complications!

I opened the door for her and in sudden realisation noticed I had been leaning right across her
for some time. I moved away quickly so as not to let my hidden monster surface as my nose
embraced her smell and her scent burnt my throat. Black’s car pulled up at the curb near us;
through the rain I could see him and Bella’s friend Jacob. “Charlie’s around the corner.” I
warned her as Billy squinted through the rain to see my face. Ah. What is she doing with
him? Or rather… no… he wouldn’t hunt. It’s just a lift. Maybe I should warn Isabella off just
in case.

No more. I put my foot down as the boy, Jacob, got out of the car, apparently oblivious to
everything. I slowed to a stop as Charlie went by and gave myself enough distance not to be
seen but I was close enough to hear their thoughts and therefore their conversations. I didn’t
hang about. Billy’s grave thoughts bothered me. They filled my mind. He knew who I was
and he didn’t want me around Bella. I composed myself and drove toward home. I wouldn’t
visit Bella tonight.
13. Balancing

That night I sat in my room, I had put Hybrid Theory on repeat, listening to it over and over
again without stopping, I read Northanger Abbey, thinking only of her whenever Isabella’s
name showed up on the page. Still I couldn’t relax, even as a vampire, I didn’t feel right.
Normally I was light, able to walk around or stand with no issue. Suddenly I felt heavy, tired
even. I had spent so long spending every night with her and suddenly I didn’t know what to
do with myself when she wasn’t around. It got to me. I embraced the pain I felt, as though my
chest was expanding, as though for the first time in centuries my heart was beating again. It
was the closest to being alive I had ever felt. It was unbearable, but our family missed the bad
that came with human life. Humans are lucky for their weaknesses. It did, however,
eventually get the better of me and I left the novel unfinished and flew out of my bedroom
window into the night, running fast, letting the world blur past me as I ran toward the
mountains.

I would hunt. The monster in me was hungry and I would fight Alice’s visions with every
fibre of my being. I would not kill Bella, and I would defiantly not reduce her to our kind,
always missing life. The vulnerability of it. Eurgh. Humans complained, they didn’t
understand how lucky they were to have that vulnerability. I stopped dead.

Bear.

Grizzly.

I smiled to myself. Emmet would be so jealous. I stopped and stood dead in front of it as it
stood tall and tried to scare me off. My smile turned to a smirk and I allowed my monster out
to play. I moved slowly at first, feeling the need to tempt the beast, irritating it slightly. Like a
cat chasing a ball of string, once this monster had caught sight of me all I had to do was
speedily dodge. The bear took a swipe, I dodged to the side, causing the bear to turn around
in confusion looking for the new threat that this strange human appeared to be presenting. On
top of that the bear could smell a difference. The bear staggered toward me taking another
swipe, this time I dodged back to position, slashing my hand across his body on my way,
causing a large wound to open with my nails. The whining noise from the bear was loud. My
own personal monster bounded around my chest in glee, I allowed the play to continue for a
while.

Bored Now.

My hand whipped out away from my body and I ripped the bear’s throat out before the bear
had even realised I’d made any kind of movement, the beast stood for a moment before
collapsing to the ground. I pounced, feeling my teeth sink into the bear’s throat like pudding,
for lack of a better, less human expression. The warm liquid that I gulped down my throat
filled me. I was stuffed. Stuffed. But not satisfied. It was like taking ages to squeeze orange
juice yourself instead of just using the carton and adding your own sugar and honey to make
the taste sweet. There was no sweet taste. It just irritated me. My hands would have shook.
Instead of allowing myself human blood, or worse Bella’s blood I ran deeper into the
mountains to find myself a lion. It didn’t quite taste too close to human blood, but it was
better than bear. Shame about the lack of monkeys, how different would that taste I wonder.
So far I had never experimented from fear that it would smell too similar to a human and I
wouldn’t be able to stop myself anymore. I spent the rest of the night feeding on deer. No
lions came out for me. I was severely disappointed.

I became bored and sick to my stomach of food from over eating. I ran home and showered,
brushed my teeth purely to hide the smell of blood. I couldn’t have Bella helplessly fainting
in front of me. I felt disgusted with myself. I couldn’t believe I had allowed myself to play
with my food in that way. How could I look Bella in the face knowing I had killed like a
rabid dog? Usually it was me telling Emmet to stop playing with his food. When I had got
through the door that morning, Emmet’s thoughts had been loud and obnoxious. ‘Don’t play
with your food’ he says, Oh yes, Edward we all know about your little circus act last night.
Alice saw it when you left. Personally I think it’s about time you enjoyed the hunt, but you’ve
given Rosalie more ammunition against Bella, she blames her for your strange behaviour. He
had continued to ramble on whilst Rosalie’s stream of foul language shrieked through my
head. I was finally glad to get out of there, not before I had checked on Alice to see how she
was.

“A little shaken up, having seen you kill like that.” Alice looked down. I apologised. “Its fine,
and don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s probably what you needed to protect Bella. She won’t
love you less because of your hunting skills.” She giggled slightly “In fact if you told her, her
eyes would probably widen and she would look at you for a while before asking if you could
teach her…”

“Don’t joke.” I had said, knowing only too well that, since it was Bella, she most likely
would. Either that…or she’d ask for a video. Her whole brain was back to front. I rolled my
eyes as Alice giggled.

I drove to Bella’s, waiting as usual for Charlie to leave. I rolled in just as Charlie rounded the
corner and turned the engine off to wait. Bella came out the door almost as soon as I’d turned
the engine off. I smiled as she climbed in the car, like a school boy. I couldn’t help it. This
was my Bella, and having not seen her all night had really taken its toll. I was starting to need
her. I heard her heart skip. I heard it. It always seemed to shock me that she really loved me.

“How did you sleep?” I asked her

“Fine. How was your night?”

“Pleasant.” I replied, amused by how wide her eyes looked, remembering my earlier chat
with Alice. I knew what was coming. I was defiantly not going to tell her.

“Can I ask what you did?”

“No.” I replied, smiling that I was finally grasping this guessing game. “Today is still mine.”
Mine. My day with my Bella.

“What’s your mum like then?” I asked her. “Similar hobbies to you or…?”

“Hmmm…She’s a child really. She still enjoys playing games. I suppose her current hobby is
Phil.” She laughed.

At lunch I asked her about boys she had dated, she blushed.
“So you never met anyone you wanted?” I asked shocked when she confirmed she hadn’t
ever dated. Was I the first man she had ever looked at? Did I want to be the last? No, well,
only in a good way.

“Not in Phoenix.”

I was about to ask her what she meant. Was I the first? But Alice’s thoughts swam into view
and I saw the vision again.

Sorry. I don’t know what you want to do?

“I should have let you drive yourself today.” I said to Bella, resolving to leave after lunch to
eat again, this time with Alice. Bella’s mouth opened a little and I was surprised to find it
endearing that I could see all her chewed up food.

“Why?” She demanded, and I realised she thought this was about the previous conversation.

“I'm leaving with Alice after lunch.” I said truthfully.

“Oh. That’s okay.” She sounded down. “It’s not that far to walk.”

Great. I had upset her and she was trying to walk home. “I'm not going to make you walk
home. We’ll go get your truck and leave it here for you.”

“I don’t have my key with me. I really don’t mind walking.” She still looked down to me.

Ah I see, okay. I will let you finish. Alice must have seen my decision.

No. “Your truck will be here, and the key will be in the ignition – unless you’re afraid
someone might steal it.” I added laughing at my own joke, again.

“Alright.”

Oh. I see. THAT again. I smiled. Thanks Alice, I thought.

“So where are you going?” She asked.

“Hunting.” I said, watching her eyes widen as I said it. Ha, again Alice was right. She wants
to watch. “If I'm going to be alone with you tomorrow, I'm going to take whatever
precautions I can.” Twice over. “You can always cancel, you know.” You should cancel. I’m
not strong enough. I want to spend the day with you.

“No I can’t.” She said looking down at her plate.

“Perhaps you’re right.” I didn’t want to hurt her. Emotionally or Physically, I would strive to
be her guardian vampire.

“What time will I see you tomorrow?”

“That depends…it’s a Saturday, don’t you want to sleep in?”

“No.” She said before I got my last word out. It was difficult not to smile.

“The same as usual, then, will Charlie be there?” I asked, hopeful.

“No, he’s fishing tomorrow.” She smiled, she really didn’t think about her own safety at all.

“And if you don’t come home, what will he think?” I meant it as a threat. I hoped it sounded
threatening, if she took it the wrong way…

“I have no idea. He knows I’ve been meaning to do the laundry. Maybe he’ll think I fell in
the washer.”

I managed to force the smile that was trying to form into a scowl. She scowled right back at
me.

“What are you hunting tonight?” She asked after giving up with her scowl.

“Whatever we find in the park. We’re not going far.”

“Why are you going with Alice?”

“Alice is the most…” I searched for the right word. She’s there to control my thirst for human
blood. We were going out more for training. “Supportive.” I suppose.

“And the others? What are they?”

Vampires. “Incredulous for the most part.”

Emmet. Irritating. Rose. Not a chance. Jasper…well he’s too empathic I think and still isn’t
comfortable with this. Only Alice can tell when I will endanger humans.

“They don’t like me.” She said

“That’s not it. They don’t understand why I can’t leave you alone.”

“Neither do I, for that matter.”

I like her Edward! Let me talk to her. I shook my head and rolled my eyes. Certain she would
have seen it.

“I told you – you don’t see yourself clearly at all. You're not like anyone I’ve ever known.
You fascinate me.”

She looked at me. I smiled at her, glad of my final resolve to never lie to her. “Having the
advantages I do, I have a better than advantage grasp of human nature. You always take me
by surprise.” She looked away, “that part is easy enough to explain. But there is more… and
it’s not so easy to put into words – ”

She was staring at the family. Keep your filthy human eyes away from this family. Rose’s
voice entered my head and I growled in anger. Quiet enough so that only our ears could hear.
Bella looked at me again, confused. Hurt.

“I’m sorry about that. She’s just worried. You see… it’s dangerous for more than just me if,
after spending so much time with you publicly…” How can I finish that sentence? I couldn’t.
I was too ashamed.

“If?”

“If this…ends badly.” That was the best I could do. I covered my face with my hands. Was
that the only possible outcome?

“And you have to leave now?”

If you think I’m going to sit and watch my future best friend feeling down because of Rose
you have another thing coming. I'm coming over. Yes, Alice was right, I smiled. Perfect
timing for that question Bella.

“Yes. It’s probably for the best.” Behind me Alice understood that as a confirmation, kissing
Jasper’s cheek. “We still have fifteen minutes of that wretched movie left to endure in
biology – I don’t think I could take any more.”

“Alice” I nodded as she made her presence known.

“Edward.”

“Alice, Bella – Bella, Alice.”

“Hello Bella, it’s nice to finally meet you.”

I glared at her. Keep your mouth shut.

“Hi Alice.” Bella said.

“Are you ready?” Alice asked me.

“Nearly, I’ll meet you at the car.”

I'll get Bella’s car now then. Hmm…back pocket… She thought as she remembered the vision
of herself getting the car.

“Should I say ‘have fun’ or is that the wrong sentiment?” Bella asked me, I smiled, naturally.
Why not? I’d had fun last night.

“No ‘have fun’ works as well as anything”

“Have fun, then.”

“I’ll try, and can you try to be safe please?”

“Safe in Forks – what a challenge.”

“For you it is a challenge. Promise.”

“I promise to try to be safe. Ill do the laundry tonight – that ought to be fraught with peril.”

“Don’t fall in.” I teased.

“I’ll do my best.”

I stood up and she followed suit.

“See you tomorrow.”

“It seems like a long time to you, doesn’t it?” I asked her and she nodded. I’ll never
understand why. You’ll sleep through most of it.

“I’ll be there in the morning.” I touched her face for as long as I dared, gave myself another
second to wonder what she was thinking, before briskly walking away so as not to enjoy it
too much.

Alice was leant against my car when I reached the car park, the truck parked behind it. Move
out so I can get it in! I obeyed, climbing into my own car and backing out allowing Alice to
park. I opened the glove compartment of my car and scribbled a note, leaving it on Bella’s
seat and driving away with Alice in my car.

“So, you want to put lives in danger?” she asked me.

“In a word? Yes”

“Please explain.”

“I figure that if, even when in full attack, I can avoid attacking people when they’re close by,
then I have more of a chance of keeping Bella alive.”

We parked up. Alice glided out of the car and I followed her locking the car. She skipped into
the wood where the people often walked dogs. I would only ever do this with Alice and she
would sit and look to the future. If I needed help she was quick enough to stop me. I spent
most of the day hunting deer, without enjoyment. I still regretted my behaviour from the
night before. We saw four humans walk through the wood, I didn’t stop hunting. We were
too quick for their eyes and I continued to hunt even when they were in fairly close
proximity. Alice ran to me once and grabbed my wrist.

“Stop.”

“Why?” I didn’t feel any different from before. “What is it?”

“Sorry, I was just testing. Edward I think you’re fine. We can probably stop with the worry.”
“NO!” I snapped. “The more I eat the less likely it is for me to turn on her!” Alice stared at
me, her eyes widened and she smiled.

“You care for her so much. I am so happy for you.”

I sniffed and continued to hunt. Once full I made sure to eat some rabbits. Happy snacks. It
was a fine idea; they would keep me going too. We hunted until dawn, when I ran to the
house to shower and brush my teeth again. I would not be the reason for Bella fainting
especially not if we were to be alone, far away from civilisation.

I walked slow at first to Bella’s, I realised that through all the panic, all I had been thinking
about was that being with her alone meant danger. For the first time I actually felt excitement.
I was going to be alone with the woman I loved. I ran the rest of the journey, remembering
that if I was early enough she might inform her father. I knocked on the door which appeared
to open so quick it almost hit her on the nose. On top of that she was wearing the same
clothes as me. Now I understood. That was why Alice insisted on dressing me, I laughed.

“Good morning.”

“What’s wrong?” she glanced down,

“We match.” I said laughing and she looked down at herself and then giggled. I could have
fainted, had I been human. She was a breath of fresh air. I walked to the truck and waited at
the passenger door. She needlessly reminded me of the deal, climbing in and opening the
door for me.

I directed her to the meadow, not even concentrating on the road. Being in a big metal box
was defiantly the best thing for her. The clouds were beginning to dissipate now; luckily the
road was now covered by trees which arched overhead. I continued to stare while she asked
me questions. Where is it? Where are we going? We’re hiking? Some banter about our cars.
The conversation just seemed irrelevant to me. I just wanted to watch her. The way her wrists
seemed delicate on the steering wheel, the way her hair flowed down her back, often falling
to cover her face, giving me the excuse to touch her. Her eyes seemed to penetrate me, if I did
have a soul, as Carlisle continued to insist on, she was the one person who could find it. For
some time she was quiet. I knew she was worried about her lack in coordination but I wanted
to know. “What are you thinking?” I could ask her now. No more stressing that I couldn’t
hear her thoughts. I could just ask.

“Just wondering where we’re going.” Ah, she lied, must just be the worry about hiking,
maybe I could… maybe not.

“It’s a place I like to go when the weather is nice.”

“Charlie said it would be warm today”

“And did you tell Charlie what you were up to?”

“Nope.”
“But Jessica thinks were going to Seattle together?” that’s OK, as long as someone knew she
was with me.

“No, I told her you cancelled on me – which is true.”

“No one knows you’re with me?” this was a worry. How could she be so stupid to endanger
herself in this way?

“That depends… I assume you told Alice?”

“That’s very helpful, Bella.” I snapped “Are you so depressed by Forks that it’s made you
suicidal?”

“You said it might cause trouble for you… us being together publicly.” Trouble is good
Bella! Good! Now you aren’t safe!

“So you're worried about the trouble it might cause me – if you don’t come home?” I was
being harsh, and maybe a bit too forceful, but why couldn’t she understand, if I killed her…
No it wouldn’t happen. Id talk to the Volturi if it did.

She nodded. Nodded?

“If you die, I die too. I swear.” I said it fast. We were silent for the rest of the drive.

So I was leading my beloved to her death. Fantastic.

“This way.” I spat as we hiked through the forest. She began to panic, blabbering about a trail
seeming to get very upset; she looked like she might cry. “Do you want to go home?” I asked,
begging her to say no.

“No.” She came closer. Reminding me of a small child who clings to their mother’s trouser
legs to keep safe. I turned to face her properly.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m not a very good hiker. You’ll have to be very patient.” This made me smile. She was
worried about slowing me down; she really is a beautiful person.

“I can be patient – if I make a great effort.” She tried to smile at me. She couldn’t. Too upset.
This is my fault. Rose is right. I’m a Jackass. “I’ll take you home.”

“If you want me to hack five miles through the jungle before sundown, you’d better start
leading the way.” A cold tone. What? I’d just thought I had got the hang of you. I couldn’t
work her out. I just turned and walked, under the assumption that I must have really upset
her. I had to stop doing that.

The hike took all morning; she humoured me by answering any new questions that popped
into my head. There were times when I helped her along on the more difficult parts of the
hike, but every time I touched her I didn’t want to let go ever again. It started to get harder
and harder. The sadness that had been in her eyes had vanished and she was smiling again. I
relaxed slightly, happy that she wanted to be close to me still. When I pointed to the spot we
were headed toward I smiled. The sun had risen. She couldn’t yet see it. When we reached
the meadow, Bella’s eyes were alight. She took a few minutes to take it in, looking around for
a while. I knew she was picking up on the colours; all the colours she missed from Arizona
were here. It took her a while before she appeared to remember why she was here. She
stepped toward me but I held up a hand and she stopped. I looked at the light, was this a good
idea? She may never look at me the same way again; I was a freak and she was beautiful. The
only thing I could picture without taking the leap, was the terror she was about to reveal in
her eyes. She looked at me as I sighed and took a step into the light allowing my body to light
up and sparkle with my eyes closed. I was unable to face her reaction. I breathed out heavily
and opened my eyes, to see hers, wide, frozen on me.

14. Confessions

She was quiet for some time. We ended up lying in the grass, in the sun. If she had been
scared she had done a good job to cover it up. I had taken to singing to myself to calm down.
After a while my body settled and I relaxed. It was nice to lay next to Bella, the sun reflecting
off my monstrous body without panicking that I might get caught. She watched me for a long
time, her eyes unmoving and her body still. If it wasn’t for the blood which pumped through
her veins and the warm colour of her skin, she could have been mistaken as a vampire. She
seemed to make a quick movement, before thinking better of it. I tried to ignore it, not
wanting to embarrass her. Suddenly I felt heat on the back of my hand and I looked at her as
she stroked my hand, smiling to herself. She opened her eyes and looked at me. I smiled.

“I don’t scare you?” I asked her, I wanted to cup her face in my hand and bring it closer to
mine, but I couldn’t I wasn’t ready, so much hesitation in me refused to allow self-
indulgence.

“No more than usual.”

She moved closer to me tracing her finger over my arm, sending the sparks of electricity
flying up my arm. The soft tingling sensation lasted; her finger was warm, as she traced it
across my arm, leaving a trail which felt like it was glowing in the heat. I could feel her hand
tremble. Closing my eyes I allowed her warmth to seep into my skin. If I was human the
feeling would have caused me to shiver, but as it was the hairs on my arms didn’t even lift off
my skin the way hers seemed to.

“Do you mind?”

“No.” I replied feeling the sun’s glow on my face. “You can’t imagine how good that feels.”

Her hand continued to trace my skin and the tingling sensation continued. She reached for my
hand and I turned it over for her, perhaps a little too fast, since her hand froze on my skin.

“Sorry.” I meant it. “It’s too easy for me to be myself with you.”

She lifted my hand, causing my arm to rise off the floor; I noticed she didn’t put it back
down. I turned to look at her, seeing her gazing at my hand intently, as though looking for
small rocks that might have embedded themselves in my skin, caused me to stare at her. I
noticed how her lips were slightly parted, the same as when she slept, her beautiful brown
eyes wide. I liked the way a piece of her hair fell forward, making one of her eyes darker. The
sun reflected off her, causing her hair and skin to glow. A slight crease had formed on her
forehead and I began to wonder, yet again how her mind worked. What did she think about
all the time? Who did she think about? What did she think of people? What did she love?
What made her want to sing and dance? These questions, she could never answer that would
satisfy me. I would always know she wasn’t quite being as deep as her eyes depicted. Her
mind was an ocean, her words, a mere river, never quite deep enough to submerge myself in.
If I can hear a person’s thoughts I can understand. But expressing thoughts to words was
always difficult, even for me. How could I ever feel as though I know her, when I couldn’t
even hear how she thought? Even now, as she gets closer to my hand, her breath warms my
wrist, the electricity causing my dead heart to feel punctured. How could I know what she
was thinking? I knew I could ask, I knew she would answer. I was still glad of that. It was
millions times better than trying to ignore her existence entirely.

“Tell me what you’re thinking. It’s still too strange for me, not knowing.”

“You know, the rest of us feel that way all the time.”

“It’s a hard life. But you didn’t tell me.”

“I was wishing I could know what you were thinking.”

“And?” That really just backed up how I felt. Your answer will never satisfy me. Because I
hear the deepest thoughts in people’s minds…and I can’t even hear your immediate thoughts.

“I was wishing that I could believe you were real. And I was wishing that I wasn’t afraid.”

“I don’t want you to be afraid.” This was true. Although I knew it was better if she was, I
knew how I would feel if she flinched every time I touched her. It would break me.

“Well, that’s not exactly the fear I meant, though that’s certainly something to think about.”

I moved to my arm, leaning toward her. I had to stop myself for a second. I was about to kiss
her. I couldn’t, I’d had to stop. Instead I just continued to look into her eyes, allowing myself
to be consumed by her perfection.

“What are you afraid of then?” I had to ask.

She was silent for a while, just staring back at me intently. Suddenly she leaned closer to me,
breathing in, causing the monster in me to react, my mouth began to water as her scent
wafted through my mouth and burned my throat. NO! I pulled away, darting into the shade. I
looked at my hand, which felt chilled without hers, then looked up at her. I am so sorry Bella.
I can’t allow myself to lose control. Not if the result is losing you. She looked so hurt. I was
too afraid to comfort her. The monster in me raged. As though it was battling to get out and
have her. Her voice reached my ears.

“I'm…sorry…Edward.”

“Give me a moment.” I called back, raising my voice so she could hear. “Get a grip, Cullen.”
I growled to myself in a low voice, so she couldn’t hear, clenching my fists and squashing the
monster down. Then I breathed in and walked toward her, sitting about a foot away for
safety. I locked my eyes onto hers and never let go of her gaze. Smiling at her in the hope she
might forgive me.

“I am so very sorry.” I said every word with emphasis so that she might truly believe me.
“Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human?” I could tell I’d
disappointed her. I sighed. “I’m the world’s best predator aren’t I? Everything about me
invites you in –” I hated it. “My voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!” I
had to show her. I stood and moved at top speed, covering the circumference of the meadow,
before returning just as quick to see her eyes widen. My head felt as though it might explode
from the quiet. “As if you could outrun me!” I grabbed the biggest fattest branch off a nearby
tree, ripping it off the trunk effortlessly. I hurled it at another tree, and she watched it splinter.
She trembled. Fear. I took a step closer to her; I was but a step away from her, clearly
towering over her, shadowing the light off her face. Pain shot through me and my voice
became quiet. “As if you could fight me off.”

I wanted her to speak. Her lip trembled with fear and she sat unmoving at my feet. Her fear
saddened me. I wanted her to fear me, to protect her, but I wanted her to love me. A love
without fear. My wants, my needs, they confused me. I hated it. “Don’t be afraid.” I resolved.
“I promise…I swear not to hurt you. Don’t be afraid.” She still didn’t speak. I stared at her.
Dread ran through me, this was it; I had just scared her away. I took a weak step forward and
crouched down. “Please forgive me.” I begged. “I can control myself. You caught me off
guard. But I'm on my best behaviour now.” Silence. Last chance. “I'm not thirsty today,
honestly.” I winked at her and she laughed. She laughed! I could jump for joy. I didn’t. “Are
you alright?” I asked her, feeling guilty for the fear I had placed in her heart and putting my
hand in hers. She looked at my hand for a moment and then lifted her head to look in my eyes
and back to my hand. She began to trace her finger across it again and smiled up at me. I
smiled back. “So where were we before I behaved so rudely?” I asked her, wanting so bad to
return to the warm comfort we had been basking in before.

“I honestly can’t remember.”

“I think we were talking about why you were afraid, besides the obvious reason.”

“Oh right.”

“Well?” I wanted an answer. She didn’t. “How frustrated I am.” I sighed and she looked up
again, gazing into my eyes.

“I was afraid… because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can’t stay with you. I'm afraid that I’d
like to stay with you, much more than I should.” She said this as she stared at the floor. I
didn’t understand. Did she want us to be apart?

“Yes,” I found myself in agreement. “That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be
with me. That’s really not in your best interest.” Not if you want to live a healthy life, or if
you want to grow old together with someone. I sighed. “I should have left a long time ago. I
should leave now. But I don’t know if I can.”

“I don’t want you to leave.”

“Which is exactly why I should. But don’t worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave
your company too much to do what I should.”

“I'm glad.”

“Don’t be! It’s not only your company I crave!” I hated myself. “Never forget that. Never
forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else.” A voice that I didn’t recognise
entered my head. Where are we? Are we lost again? A family had driven down toward
Bella’s car, turned around and headed back toward the main road.

“I don’t think I understand exactly what you mean – by that last part anyway.” I looked away
from where I had heard the thoughts back at Bella and smiled.

“How do I explain? And without frightening you again…hmmm.” I held both her hands in
mine feeling the warmth spreading through them to mine. I voiced my joy to feel that
sensation; “That’s amazingly pleasant, the warmth.” I thought about how to explain why I
wanted her blood more than any other person’s. “You know how everyone enjoys different
flavours? Some people love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry?” she nodded and I
continued. “Sorry about the food analogy – I couldn’t think of another way to explain.” We
smiled at each other. “You see every person smells different, has a different essence. If you
locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he’d gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he
wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let’s say you places in that room a glass of
hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest finest cognac – and filled the room with its warm aroma –
how do you think he would fare then?” She didn’t look convinced. “Maybe that’s not the
right comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have
made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead.”

“So what you're saying is, I’m your own brand of heroin?”

I smiled as she tried to humour me.

“Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin.”

“Does that happen often?” she asked me sounding intrigued. I was glad of the conversation
Carlisle had had a while back with us.

“I spoke to my brothers about it.” I told her, I went on to explain how Jasper sees all humans
the same. How he hadn’t had time to grow to the different essences. I then went on to explain
that Emmet had been trying much longer but had twice smelt an essence that good. How he
had messed up. Twice. However I had to inform Bella that she was my first. I explained that
it was difficult for Emmet since they were strangers and he’d crossed them in the woods.

“So if we’d met…oh, in a dark alley or something…” she didn’t finish her question. I
mentally shivered as I remembered that first biology lesson. Sitting next to her, planning to
pick off each student one by one, working out my best plan for execution without being
caught. I remembered how my plans were the only thing that stopped me attacking her. I had
kept my mind working hard in the hope it might distract me.

“It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and – ” I
stopped. I couldn’t tell her all truths; I looked for a better explanation. “When you walked
past me, I could have ruined everything Carlisle has built for us, right then and there. If I
hadn’t been denying my thirst for the last, well, too many years, I wouldn’t have been able to
stop myself.” I paused to remember how much I had wanted to kill her, how easily it would
have been for me to take her. How hungry she had made me. I had disgraced myself. “You
must have thought I was possessed.”

“I couldn’t understand why. How you could hate me so quickly…”

“To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal
hell to ruin me.” And now you’re my angel… “The fragrance coming off your skin…I
thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour I thought of a hundred
different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And I fought them each
back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I
could speak the words which would make you follow…” I looked at her, unsure how she was
reacting to all this since I hadn’t heard her thoughts. “You would have come.”

“Without a doubt.” She said breathlessly, I remembered trying to avoid biology, the
conversation with Mrs Cope.

“And then, as I tried to rearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to avoid you, you were
there – in that close, warm little room, the scent was maddening. I so very nearly took you
then. There was only one other frail human there – so easily dealt with.” I saw her shiver but
continued. “But I resisted. I don’t know how. I forced myself not to wait for you, not to
follow you from the school. It was easier outside, when I couldn’t smell you anymore, to
think clearly, to make the right decision.” I continued to tell Bella about my leaving, my
moment of weakness, cowardice. Watching closely for her reactions, though her face didn’t
change. I told her how I used Jessica’s mind to hear her, before finishing with the car
accident. “At that time all I could think was, ‘Not her.’” I finished. Closing my eyes, a weight
lifted. Now she knew everything. The rest was down to her. Would she ever look at me the
same again? Her voice drifted toward me, causing me to look at her.

“In the hospital?”

“I was appalled. I couldn’t believe I had put us in danger after all, put myself in your power –
you of all people. As if I needed another motive to kill you.” I flinched. “But it had the
opposite effect I fought with Rosalie. Emmet, and Jasper when they suggested that now was
the time…the worst fight we’ve ever had.” I remembered their words. I continued to explain
my memories to Bella, it all coming out so easily and so quickly, as though I had lost control.
I didn’t need to hide anything anymore.

“Bella, I couldn’t live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don’t understand how it’s tortured
me. The thought of you, still, white, cold…to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see
that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretences…it would be
unendurable.” I looked at her to emphasise my next words. “You are the most important thing
to me now. The most important thing to me ever.” I watched her for a reaction.

“You already know how I feel, of course. I’m here…which, roughly translated, means I
would rather die than stay away from you. I'm an idiot.”
“You are an idiot.” We laughed for a little. “And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…”

“What a stupid lamb.”

“What a sick, masochistic lion.” Yes. It was slightly amusing, very soap opera. Yet, this
really was too sick for a laugh. Bella began to ask me a question and I snapped back to reality
to look at her. I smiled.

“Yes?”

“Tell me why you ran away from me before.”

She was still thinking about that. She had come so close to me, if I had allowed myself to kiss
her what would the monster inside me have done?

“You know why.” I replied.

“No, I mean, exactly what did I do wrong? I’ll have to be on my guard, you see, I better start
learning what I shouldn’t do. This for example seems to be alright.” She said, stroking my
hand. I smiled. It’s only ok because I am calm and prepared.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Bella. It was my fault.”

She protested. “But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you.”

“Well…” I thought about this. If I didn’t give her something to work with, I knew she would
be dissatisfied. Instead, I just decided to explain. “It was just how close you were. Most
humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled my our alienness…I wasn’t expecting
you to come so close. And the smell of your throat.” I went quiet, I didn’t want to continue,
to scare her.

“Okay, then no throat exposure.” She said pushing her chin down to cover her neck. I
laughed.

“No, really it was more the surprise than anything else.” I put my hand on her neck feeling
the warmth spread through my arm, and noticed how close to I was to that collar bone I
favoured so much. She felt brittle beneath my touch. “You see. Perfectly fine.” She blushed
and her heart pounded against her chest, her lips quivered and she stared at me. I stroked her
cheek. “The blush on your cheeks is lovely.” I wanted more. I held her face in my hands as I
debated how far I could go without hurting her. “Be very still.” I told her. I moved slowly at
first, resting my cheek against her throat, letting the warmth spread to me, enjoying it, I slid
my hands down her neck and I felt her shiver, and her movement caused me to breathe in
deep, my throat burned and I stopped short, trying to return my breathing to normal so that I
would get used to her scent. I continued moving my hands, only stopping at her shoulders. I
turned my face so that my nose rubbed down her collar bone and rested my face there. I had
waited, every night in her room, wanting to be here, wishing I could be here. Rested against
her chest, her heartbeat slowing in recovery from the shock, I still wanted to know what it felt
like when she slept. Did her heartbeat change then too? When she dreamt of me did her heart
quicken? I sat and watched her before, now I was close, I had allowed myself a closeness.
Suddenly every fear I had ever had for Bella dissipated. I could never hurt this delicate
human being. I loved her. She would always be mine. I would only exist to please her, be
near her, protect her. I wouldn’t ever hurt her. I sighed. I felt at ease against her chest, and she
still didn’t move, again doing her best impression of a vampire, allowing me to stay in that
position. Soon I would want more, but, for now, this was enough. She was safe, until I
wanted more again, and then we would have to do all this again to make myself calm enough
to go through with it. Suddenly I understood what humans meant when they said ‘let’s take it
slow.’ They want what Bella and I would have. Human’s got bored easily, taking things slow
would keep them excited, it would keep them wanting. I hated this. I wanted to have what
humans had, the ability to get bored. In this moment I hoped that Bella was not like the
everyday human’s whose thoughts I had had to listen to my whole life. I silently begged her
never to get bored. I let go, sat back and looked at her.

“It won’t be so hard again.”

“Was that very hard for you?”

“Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. And you?”

“No, it wasn’t bad…for me.”

“You know what I mean.”

She smiled.

“Here. Do you feel how warm it is?” I asked her, placing her hand against my cheek, she
didn’t answer she just stared.

“Don’t move.” She whispered.

I trusted her. I closed my eyes and was still. Concentrating and calming myself so that if she
set the monster off... I could run. She moved slowly, following my face and touching my
features. She ran her finger along my lips which opened from the touch, breathing in her
scent. My lips wanted to taste hers. The monster stayed quiet. I had been wrong. I wasn’t
patient. I would want more the second Bella tempted me to it. Resting against her chest was
not enough. It took me a lot of control not to grab her wrist and pull her to me. Every scene
that I had ever seen in Jessica or Mike’s minds suddenly ran through my head and my breath
quickened, my chest compressed and she let her hand fall from my face. I opened my eyes
and stared at her, silently wishing I could hold her, wishing I was able to hold her in my arms
and stroke her face. I wished I was human. I wished I could run my hand all over her without
complications. My hands felt weak, my arms felt weak. I wished I would never have to leave
this place, her company. I wished I could have more time with her. I wished my emotions
were less erratic. I wished she would break my heart and run. I wished that she would always
trust me. I wished that she would stay with me forever.

“I wish…” She looked at me. “I wish you could feel the… complexity…the confusion…I
feel. That you could understand.” I brushed my favourite piece of hair away from her face so
that I could look at her better.

“Tell me.” She breathed beneath my hand, her warm breath making my black heart twist into
some form of knot.
“I don’t think I can. I’ve told you, on the one hand, the hunger – the thirst – that, deplorable
creature that I am, I feel for you. And I think you can understand that, to an extent. Though,
as you are not addicted to any illegal substances, you probably can’t empathize completely.” I
found this slightly amusing. I raised a hand to touch her lips. “But…There are other hungers.
Hungers that I don’t even understand, that are foreign to me.” I was thinking of her. I didn’t
understand the hunger I felt now. I didn’t want to eat…I wanted to consume.

“I may understand that better than you think.”

“I’m not used to feeling so human. Is it always like this?” It felt like my heart was thumping
hard, like all the dead hormones in my brain were being released.

“For me? No, never. Never before this.”

I took her hands. It felt like I was crying. The pain was unbearable. I felt weak, desperate. I
wanted this feeling and yet again I couldn’t handle it. Yet again I wanted to run, and rip a
bear’s throat out, just to prove to myself that I wasn’t human.

“I don’t know how to be close to you. I don’t know if I can.”

She put her face against my bear chest. I felt sad that she would never hear a heartbeat there.

“This is enough.” She breathed, as though answering my thoughts, however, I still doubted it;
I had thought that until she had touched my lips, and then I had been hungry, desperate for
more. I wanted to believe her. I wrapped my arms around her, giving in to some more
temptations, leaning my face against her hair and breathing in the scent of her.

“You’re better at this than you give yourself credit for.”

“I have human instincts – they may be buried deep, but they’re there.”

The meadow grew dark and she, still against my chest, sighed. I knew she was thinking about
having to leave my arms.

“You have to go.”

“I thought you couldn’t read my mind?”

“It’s getting clearer.” I replied, pleased with myself that I was yet again, right with my guess.
I turned her toward me. “Can I show you something?”

“Show me what?”

“I’ll show you how I travel in the forest.” She looked panicked. “Don’t worry, you’ll be very
safe, and we’ll get to your truck much faster.” I asked her smiling, I heard her heart skip.

“Will you turn into a bat?”

I laughed. “Like I haven’t heard that one before!” Well I hadn’t personally, but I had seen
enough films.

“Right, I'm sure you get that one all the time.”

“Come on, little coward, climb on my back.” She hesitated, so I grabbed her and placed her
on my back, when she clamped her legs and arms around me I took it as a ‘yes.’ I still loved
it when I got yeses.

“I’m a bit heavier than your average rucksack.”

“Hah!” Like I could tell the difference, the only reason I knew she was there is because she
clung to me. I pressed her hand against my face and breathed her in, I had to mostly rely on
instincts for my reactions to be good. I didn’t want to lose control. I love her smell.

“Easier all the time.” I said to myself. Maybe one day I wouldn’t notice.

The trees were a blur beside me, I felt free as I weaved in and out, dodging trees. I want to.
I'm going to. I have control. I can do it. I love her scent. I will. I will. I will. We were by the
car in seconds. Not enough time running.

“Exhilarating isn’t it?” There was no answer, nor did she move. “Bella?”

“I think I need to lie down.” Her weak voice whispered in my ear.

“Oh, sorry.” I realised she might feel sick.

“I think I need help.” She sounded so pathetic it amused me and I no longer felt so guilty. I
knew she would be ok in a few minutes. I pulled her down gently and let her lean on me.

“How do you feel?”

“Dizzy, I think.”

“Put your head between your knees.” She did.

“I guess that wasn’t the best idea.”

“No, it was very interesting.”

“Hah! You’re as white as a ghost- no, you're as white as me!” I joked.

“I think I should have closed my eyes.”

“Remember that next time.”

“Next time!” I laughed at the horror in her voice. “Show off.”

“Open your eyes, Bella.” I was crouching next to her while she sat. “I was thinking while
running.”
“About not hitting trees, I hope.”

“Silly Bella, running is second nature to me, its nothing I have to think about.”

“Show off.” She repeated.

“No, I was thinking there was something I wanted to try.” I said taking her face and bracing
myself. I know it will be ok. I breathed in close to her face, my throat burned, but no monster
surfaced. I pressed my lips against hers, softly, her warm lips heated mine as I felt the
electricity spark up all over my body, it was a strong current, it felt as though my long dead
heart could be revived. She gasped and her hand came up, her fingers in my hair, sending the
sparks down my temples, driving my thoughts wild. Alerting me to the fact that she was
hungry, she wanted me closer. I wanted to give that to her. I wanted to kiss her harder, but the
monster began to surface. Her lips parted for more, I heard her breathe, but I stopped. I
pushed her face backward allowing me to pull myself away. My chest tight, my breathing
heavy my arms aching to have her back and the monster screaming in rage that I had even
thought of pulling my teeth away from her face.

“Oops.”

“That’s an understatement.” I said to her, my voice sharp. I didn’t want to stop, I wanted to
try again. I loved how much she wanted me, the spark that I had felt had excited her, and she
had lost control. Her brown eyes looked worried as I stared into them; her heart was beating
so hard I could almost feel it on my own chest. It was so hard, I couldn’t pull myself away. I
wanted to be able to lose control, without risking her life.

“Should I…?” I felt her pull weakly against my unmoving hands. I wanted to keep her, I
wasn’t letting go. I had to get used to being this close to her and forcing myself to control this
monster. I wanted to have control. I wanted her close to me. I wanted to be human. I wanted a
soul. I never wanted to leave my Bella. I wanted to keep her here forever.

“No, it’s tolerable. Wait for a moment please.” I said not wanting to let go. I realised that my
fear shouldn’t have been my lack of self control concerning her life, but my inability to allow
her to ever leave my sight again. I always wanted her to be next to me. Of course that was
never to be. I had to let go at some point. I smiled, realising I was being overly human. The
monster retreated.

“There.”

“Tolerable?” she sounded hurt. I laughed

“I’m stronger than I thought. It’s nice to know.”

“I wish I could say the same. I’m sorry.”

“You are only human after all.”

“Thanks so much.” She replied, her voice full of sarcasm.

I stood up and gave Bella my hand, she wavered as she stood.

“Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?”

“I can’t be sure, I’m still woozy. I think it’s some of both though.”

“Maybe you should let me drive.” I said hopefully.

“Are you insane?”

“I can drive much better than you on your best day, you have much slower reflexes.”

“I’m sure that’s true, but I don’t think my nerves, or my truck, could take it.”

“Some trust, please, Bella.” I requested and she shook her head.

“Nope. Not a chance.” She tried to get past me but she nearly fell over and I had to put my
arm out for her.

“Bella, I've already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive.
I’m not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can’t even walk straight.
Besides, friends don’t let friends drive drunk.”

“Drunk?”

“You’re intoxicated by my presence.”

“I can’t argue with that.” She gave up and dropped the key from a height, which I caught.
“Take it easy – my truck is a senior citizen.”

“Very sensible.”

“And you’re not affected at all by my presence?”

I stared at her, her question ringing in my ears. I leaned toward her to kiss her, but changed
my mind and brushed my lips just underneath hers. She trembled. My skin prickled.

“Regardless, I have better reflexes.”

15. Mind over matter

We pulled up outside Bella’s house after twilight, her father still out. Bella had spent the
journey asking me questions about my family. Now we were discussing our parting.

“I want to stay with you.”

“Can’t I come in?” I asked, taking the opportunity to spend extra time with her.

“Would you like to?” She asked me like it was a strange question.
“Yes, if it’s all right.” I climbed out of the car and rushed to her side to open hers.

“Very human.” She said, her voice sounded serious and I realised she meant my old
fashioned style, not my super-human speed.

“It’s defiantly resurfacing.”

I closed the door of the truck as she climbed out and began walking toward the door,
unlocking the door and opening it for her.

“The door was unlocked?”

“No, I used the key from under the eave.”

She turned the light on and looked at me suspiciously.

“I was curious about you.”

“You spied on me?” she asked.

“What else is there to do at night?” She had always asked.

She went to the kitchen, and I followed quickly, stepping ahead of her and sitting in a chair. I
watched as she made herself dinner, as she ate she asked me more questions. “Hmm?”

“How often did you come here?”

“I come here almost every night.” I answered truthfully.

“Why?”

“You’re interesting when you sleep.” Internally, I smiled. “You talk.”

“No!” She blushed heavily, her face seemed contorted in horror.

“Are you very angry with me?” I asked her, I felt a smile spread across my face.

“That depends!”

“On?”

“What you heard!”

I went to her, taking her hands swiftly in mine, I looked bent down over her, looking into her
eyes.

“Don’t be upset!” Her face turned, her eyes staring at my ear. “You miss your mother, you
worry about her. And when it rains, the sound makes you restless. You used to talk about
home a lot, but it’s less often now. Once you said, ‘It’s too green.” I laughed.
“Anything else?”

“You did say my name.”

“A lot?”

“How much do you mean by ‘a lot’ exactly?” I asked her seriously.

“Oh no!” She seemed quite distraught as she let her head fall and she stared at her feet. I
pulled her to me, succumbing to the feeling I had been experiencing all day. My want for her
closeness.

“Don’t be self-conscious, if I could dream at all, it would all be about you. And I'm not
ashamed of it.” I whispered in her ear, knowing that my voice was more calming when it was
quiet.

Charlie’s car pulled into the drive. I had missed his thoughts. I felt Bella stiffen, maybe she
would have been more prepared if I had been paying attention more.

“Should your father know I'm here?”

“I’m not sure…”

“Another time then…” I replied to her unfinished sentence.

I turned and fled up the stairs. I could hear my name being hissed from the landing. I laughed
to myself before I went to Bella’s room and shut her door. I lay comfortably on her bed,
placing my hands behind my head and listening to Charlie’s thoughts as he came through the
door. It wasn’t a necessity, I could hear everything said, and Bella’s father tended to speak
whatever entered his mind. I got to see Bella though, through her father’s eyes. He was
interrogating her about her night.

“None of the boys in town your type, eh?” She must have picked up some healthy young lad
by now, I hope her mother had the talk with her.

“No, none of the boys have caught my eye yet.”

I chuckled to myself as I heard her voice break as she said the word ‘boys’. I suppose at my
age I was too old to be considered a boy.

“I thought maybe that Mike Newton…you said he was friendly.” I let out a short hiss at
Mike’s name. I still didn’t like him.

“He’s just a friend, Dad.” I felt like she was telling me more than him. I let my thoughts
wonder more as Charlie insisted she wait for college before she said goodnight and started up
the stairs. Bella opened her bedroom door and came in, facing the door and closing it quietly.
She ran straight past me to the window, throwing it open and whispering my name. I laughed.

“Yes?”
She turned to look at me, a small ‘oh’ escaping her lips as she put her hand to her chest in
shock and she sat on the floor. I apologised in amusement.

“Just give me a minute to restart my heart,” she said quietly, lifting her hand up at me. I sat
up and leaned over the bed, picking her up by her shoulders and sitting her next to me and
took her hand.

“Why don’t you sit here with me? How’s the heart?”

“You tell me – I'm sure you hear it better than I do.”

I laughed, she was probably right. I listened to her heart beating erratically in her chest for a
moment, before it began to slow a little, however, even though she had calmed herself, her
heart was still beating fast for a human. It made me smile.

“Can I have a minute to be human?” She asked suddenly.

“Certainly.”

“Stay.” She commanded me.

“Yes, ma’am.” I sat on the edge of the bed, turning my head to look at her stretching my left
leg into a right angle while pulling my right leg in and holding myself up with my right hand
placed on my right thigh; my left arm rested on my leg as the hand fell limp over the side.
She seemed amused by this, grabbed a few things from the floor and leaving the room. I sat
perfectly still, staring at the door and awaiting her return, my mind began to wonder to where
she was, in the shower and I had to fight not to picture her. Instead I listened in on Charlie,
using his eyes to watch the news. Bella appeared in front of him in the front room, her hair
wet and twisted down her back.

“Night, Dad.”

“Night, Bella.” Oh. She is serious about going to bed then. I pulled away from his thoughts
and stared back at the bedroom door, waiting for her to come back to me.

Seeing her with my own eyes was always better than through someone else’s. Her hair had
fallen from its twisted shape and had fallen straggled down her back. She was wearing a long
faded t-shirt which had some gaps in the fabric and some grey cotton trousers which clung
tightly to her thighs but fell straight down over her calves.

“Nice.”

She pulled a face of disbelief.

“No, it looks good on you.”

“Thanks.”

She took her place on the bed, crossing her legs and resting her hands o her bare ankles.
“What was all that for?” I asked her. She didn’t smell bad before.

“Charlie thinks I'm sneaking out.” I already knew that.

“Oh. Why?”

“Apparently I look a little overexcited.” I lifted her face and looked at her eyes.

“You look very warm, actually.” I replied to her, putting my cheek against hers and enjoying
the heat seeping through my skin. “Mmmmm…” I sighed in enjoyment.

“It seems to be…much easier for you, now, to be close to me.”

“Does it seem that way to you?” I asked, nuzzling into her neck, my nose squishing slightly
against her jaw, I moved her hair out of my face as my lips rested on the side of her neck,
beneath her ear and breathed in her burning scent.

“Much, much easier.” She continued, her voice sounding strained.

“Hmm.” I was struggling to reply to her, my body overcome by the warmth and comfort of
hers. I ran my fingers over her collar bone, they tingled from the excitement.

“So I was wondering…” She didn’t finish, her breath had caught in her throat, similar to what
I was feeling. I pushed my next word out with such difficulty that it was almost a whisper.

“Yes?”

“Why is that, do you think?”

I laughed a bit, “Mind over matter.”

She pulled back suddenly, but my head slipped down her neck and found itself nestled very
close to her breast. I pulled away sharply and her soft eyes penetrated mine causing my body
to tense, stopping my breath. The multitude of ideas that ran through my mind now was
immense. I wanted to kiss her, to hold her, to pull her close to me. I wanted to see her, all of
her. The clothes which hung loosely from her body dissatisfied me, they didn’t do her justice.
She looked amazing, she felt amazing. I wanted to be pressed close against her. I needed a
good beating, that’s what I needed. I had to be cautious; I could not allow my mind stretch
like this.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“No – the opposite. You're driving me crazy.” She replied. I'm driving her crazy? “Really?” I
smiled. I was glad to make her feel even a fraction of what she did to me.

“Would you like a round of applause?”

“I’m just pleasantly surprised; in the last hundred years or so, I never imagined anything like
this. I didn’t believe I would ever find someone I wanted to be with…in another way than my
brothers and sisters. And then to find, even though it’s all new to me, that I'm good at it…at
being with you…” Again I couldn’t finish; the overwhelming desire for her overpowered me
too much.

“You're good at everything.” She argued and I shrugged, again she asked me why it was
suddenly so easy compared to earlier that day.

“It’s not easy, but this afternoon, I was still…” I searched frantically for a word, “undecided.
I am sorry about that; it was unforgivable for me to behave so.”

“Not unforgivable.”

“Thank you. You see, I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough…” I took her hand in mine and
pressed it to my face to show her, breathing in the burning sensation as I spoke. “And while
there was still a possibility that I might be…overcome, I was…susceptible. Until I made up
my mind that I was strong enough, that there was no possibility at all that I would…that I
ever could…” The words just wouldn’t form in my mouth; I didn’t want to think about it. I
didn’t want her to hear it.

“So there’s no possibility now?”

“Mind over matter.”

“Wow that was easy.” It sounded as though she was mocking me, as though I had taken too
long. I laughed.

“Easy for you!” I pushed on her nose like a button. “I’m trying. If it gets to be…too much,
I'm fairly sure I’ll be able to leave.” I finished sadly, if I ran fast and far away enough, for
long enough it was possible. “And it will be harder tomorrow, I've had the scent of you in my
head all day, and I've grown amazingly desensitised. If I'm away from you for any length of
time, I’ll have to start all over again. Not quite from scratch, though, I think.”

“Don’t go away, then.” She pleaded, a soft pain resonating in her voice. I smiled.

“That suits me. Bring on the shackles – I'm your prisoner.” I said laughing.

“You seem more…optimistic than usual. I haven’t seen you like this before.”

“Isn’t it supposed to be like this? The glory of first love, and all that. It’s incredible, isn’t it,
the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing
it?”

“Very different, more forceful than I’d imagined.”

“For example,” I began, thinking of Mike, “the emotion of jealousy. I’ve read about it a
hundred thousand times, seen actors portray it in a thousand different plays and movies. I
believed I understood that one pretty clearly. But it shocked me…Do you remember the day
Mike asked you to the dance?” I asked her, my stomach growling as I remembered it.

“The day you started talking to me again.” Ah, so she had noticed.
“I was surprised by the flare of the resentment, almost fury, that I felt – I didn’t recognise
what it was at first. I was even more aggravated than usual that I couldn’t know what you
were thinking, why you refused him. Was it simply for our friend’s sake? Was there someone
else? I knew I had no right to care either way. I tried not to care. And then the line started
forming.” I laughed as I remembered her angry face in my rear-view mirror. “I waited,
unreasonably anxious to hear what you would say to them, watching the annoyance on your
face. But I couldn’t be sure.

“That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the
chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted. I knew that if I
continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that
someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry.

“And then, as you were sleeping, you said my name.” I remembered it as I spoke. “You
spoke so clearly, at first I thought you’d woken. But you rolled over restlessly and mumbled
my name once more, and sighed. The feeling that coursed through me then was unnerving,
staggering. And I knew I couldn’t ignore you any longer.” I remembered how my heart had
suddenly felt like it was alive again, like it could burst through my chest. I felt like I was
drowning in my own emotions, I couldn’t ever explain to myself, nor anyone else for that
matter, why I felt so smothered. It felt as though my own skin had warmed and I had returned
to a human state just from the sound of my name on her lips. Even now, when she spoke my
name, I still found myself drowning. Bella’s heart was beating hard, skipping every now and
again.

“But jealousy…it’s a strange thing. So much more powerful than I would have thought. And
irrational!” I exclaimed. “Just now when Charlie asked you about that vile Mike Newton…” I
shook my head, unable to continue, feeling the growl in my chest bubble to my throat. I
swallowed it.

“I should have known you’d be listening.”

“Of course.”

“That made you feel jealous, though, really?”

“I’m new at this; you’re resurrecting the human in me, and everything feels stronger because
it’s fresh.”

“But honestly, for that to bother you, after I have to hear that Rosalie – Rosalie, the
incarnation of pure beauty, Rosalie – was meant for you. Emmet or no Emmet, how can I
compete with that?” I knew her opinion of Rosalie would eventually overcome her. When we
were in the car, she had taken it so well that I had thought she was OK.

“There’s no competition.” I promised her, pulling her close to my chest.

“I know there’s no competition, that’s the problem.” She argued, her voice muffled.

“Of course Rosalie is beautiful in her way, but even if she wasn’t like a sister to me, even if
Emmet didn’t belong with her, she could never have one tenth, no, one hundredth of the
attraction you hold for me. For almost ninety years I've walked among my kind, not realising
what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren’t alive yet.”

“It hardly seems fair. I haven’t had to wait at all. Why should I get off so easily?”

“Your right, I should make this harder for you, defiantly.” I replied, amused, before freeing
one hand to stroke her hair. “You only have to risk your life every second you spend with me,
that’s surely not much. You only have to turn your back on nature, on humanity…what’s that
worth?” She was wrong, I was the one who had it easy.

“Very little – I don’t feel deprived of anything.”

“Not yet.” I muttered. I held her tight, hoping that she would never let go.

“What –” She was about to ask me something, but Charlie’s voice in my head made me alert.
I sped across her floor and hid in her cupboard. I suppose she could have just dried her hair
and got redressed, I should at least check, so that I know one way or the other.

“Lie down!” I whispered, loud enough so that Bella would hear. I watched her as she
scrambled under her duvet into a small ball, she tried to breath evenly, a little too loud as
Charlie opened the door in his chequered pyjama shirt and some mismatched lounge pants.
Bella rolled over onto her back, with a small groan, which almost had me laughing. Charlie
didn’t believe it either, he stood there a bit, waiting for her to crack, and then decided he was
reading too much into it. Then he left, returning to his room.

I stepped out over to Bella and wrapped myself around her as I climbed into bed with her, my
heart striving to beat and my body striving to sweat as my nerves prickled and pulled her
close.

“You’re a terrible actress – I’d say that career path is out for you.”

“Darn it.”

Being this close to her, in her warmth, drowning in the sounds of her heartbeat and wanting
to press myself more firmly against her and breathing in her scent, reminded me of the song I
had written for her. I began to hum it to myself before stopping to whisper in her ear.

“Should I sing you to sleep?”

“Right…Like I could sleep with you here!” She laughed.

“You do it all the time.” I replied, chuckling.

“But I didn’t know you were here.” She protested.

“So if you don’t want to sleep…” I stopped. The first thought in my head had been innocent
enough, but as the words formed on my lips, a stream of images I had acquired from her
friends had run through my head, throwing me off course again. Bella had noticed.

“If I don’t want to sleep…?” I chuckled.

“What do you want to do then?” I decided to ask her, rather than leaving my mouth to motor
off on its own little imaginative tangent.

“I'm not sure.” She answered after some time.

“Tell me when you decide.” I returned to her jaw, my nose sliding down her soft skin,
breathing in her flavour, her taste, hoping that the burning sensation and my overwhelming
emotions might distract me from the thoughts that were floating around unrestrained in my
mind. But instead it just drove me more wild. I wanted to touch her, I wanted to hold her and
kiss her and keep her close, I wanted to move further.

“I thought you were desensitized.” She said, as though hearing my outrageous thoughts.

“Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn’t mean I cant appreciate the bouquet. You have a
very floral smell, like lavender…or freesia, it’s mouth watering.”

“Yeah, it’s an off day when I don’t get somebody telling me how edible I smell.” I laughed
and then I sighed. Voicing how insane she made me had caused hunger. I was so wrong for
her. She was so weak, and I…a monster. Suddenly she spoke again. “I've decided what I
want to do. I want to hear more about you.”

“Ask me anything.”

“Why do you do it?” she asked me after a moment. “I still don’t understand how you can
work so hard to resist what you…are. Please don’t misunderstand, of course I'm glad that you
do. I just don’t see why you would bother in the first place.”

The question sat painfully in my mind. I though it was obvious…to a point. I hated this life. I
wanted a human life. I wanted to be like her. There was no meaning to a life with no sleep, no
dreams. We had been reduced to animals. Instincts for hunting and survival. That’s all we
were. I understood what she meant though, after so many others had just taken it willingly as
what they were. I had always wondered why others had never questioned the fact that they
had suddenly craved human blood after days of pain caused by being bitten by another,
seemingly human being. So I could understand why someone would question why I ignored
my instincts.

“That’s a good question, and you're not the first one to ask it. The others – the majority of our
kind who are quite content with our lot – they, too wonder at how we live. But you see, just
because we’ve been…dealt a certain hand…it doesn’t mean that we cant choose to rise above
– to conquer the boundaries of a destiny that no one of us wanted. To try and retain whatever
essential humanity we can.” Bella didn’t speak. She didn’t move. I waited to see if she was
shocked, but eventually I decided to check. “Did you fall asleep?”

“No.”

“Is that all you were curious about?”

“Not quite?”

“What else do you want to know?”

“Why can you read minds – why only you? And Alice, seeing the future…why does that
happen?”

I shrugged. “We don’t really know. Carlisle has a theory…he believes that we all bring
something of our strongest human traits with us into the next life, where they are intensified –
like our minds, and our senses. He thinks that I must have already been very sensitive to the
thoughts of those around me. And that Alice had some precognition wherever she was.”

“What did he bring into the next life, and the others?”

“Carlisle brought his compassion. Esme brought her ability to love passionately. Emmet
brought his strength. Rosalie her…tenacity. Or you could call it her pigheadedness. Jasper is
very interesting. He was quite charismatic in his first life, able to influence those around him
to see things his way. Now he is able to manipulate the emotions of those around him – calm
down a room full of angry people, for example, or excite a lethargic crowd, conversely. It’s a
very subtle gift.”

She was quiet again so I waited this time, not wanting to push her.

“So where did it all start? I mean, Carlisle changed you, and then someone must have
changed him, and so on…”

“Well where did you come from? Evolution? Creation? Couldn’t we have evolved in the
same way as other species, predator and prey? Or if you don’t believe that all this world
could have just happened on its own, which is hard for me to accept myself, is it so hard to
believe that the same force that created the delicate angelfish with the shark, the baby seal
and the killer whale, could create both our kinds together?”

“Let me get this straight – I'm the baby seal, right?”

“Right.” I laughed and kissed her hair in amusement. Whoops. I just did something without
thinking. It wasn’t so bad. No, I had to have more control, luckily this wasn’t a bad time, but
if I forget myself like this it could cause problems. “Are you ready to sleep? Or did you have
any more questions?”

“Only a million or two.”

“We have tomorrow, and the next day and the next…”

“Are you sure you wont vanish in the morning? You are mythical, after all.”

“I wont leave you.”

“One more, then, tonight.” I saw the redness in her cheeks and felt the heat rise to them as she
blushed. This made me wonder more what her question was.

“What is it?”

“No, forget it. I changed my mind.”

“Bella, you can ask me anything.” She didn’t speak, which irritated me. Why had she
blushed? I groaned. “I keep thinking it will get less and less frustrating, not hearing your
thoughts. But it just gets worse and worse.”

“I'm glad you cant read my thoughts. It’s bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-
talking.”

I used my ‘dazzling’ voice to beg her. “Please?” but she shook her head. “If you don’t tell
me, I’ll just assume its something worse than it is. Please?”

“Well…” she went quiet, hiding her face beneath her hair.

“Yes?”

“You said that Rosalie and Emmet will get married soon…is that….marriage…the same for
humans?”

I laughed. She wanted to know whether marriage involved some sadist acts of biting or
sacrificing. “Is that what you're getting at? Yes, I suppose it is much the same, I told you,
most of those human desires are there, just hidden behind more powerful desires.”

“Oh.”

“Was there a purpose behind your curiosity?”

“Well, I did wonder…about you and me…someday…”

I froze as her blood flooded to her cheeks and I suddenly realised what she was getting at. I
wanted to get her up and stare into her eyes. Marriage with Bella? I never imagined she
would ever want or think something like that. I wanted to go now, while her mood seemed to
be all for it. But I couldn’t. There would be no marriage for us. For one, marriage would
condone a sex life. I didn’t know how I could with Bella. I had seen scenes in other people’s
thoughts and it was very much an in-the-heat-of-the-moment thing. I knew full well that
being in the heat of the moment around Bella would never, ever be a good idea. Then there
was the mortality issue. My heart fell, I knew that she would grow old, while I could never
grow. No matter how much I loved her, one day she would need someone to grow old with
her, and I would return to the shadows, keeping to myself and protecting her forever from the
background.

“I don’t think that…that…would be possible for us.” I answered sadly.

“Because it would be too hard for you, if I were that…close?”

“That’s certainly a problem. But that’s not what I was thinking of. It’s just that you are so
soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we’re together so that I don’t
hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident. If I was too hasty…if for
one second I wasn’t paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face,
and crush your skull by mistake. You don’t realise how incredibly breakable you are. I can
never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I'm with you.” She didn’t respond. My
hand was resting on her cheek and I felt the warmth dissipate from it. “Are you scared?”

“No. I'm fine.”

I felt her body heat seep into my skin and I found myself wondering about her experiences. I
had imagined being with her so often, I never wondered whether she had been with someone
else before in that way.

“I'm curious now, though. Have you ever…?” I couldn’t finish the question, though she
answered it all the same, her heat rushing to my hand again.

“Of course not. I told you I've never felt like this about anyone before, not even close.”

“I know. Its just that I know other people’s thoughts. I know love and lust don’t always keep
the same company.”

“They do for me. Now, anyway, that they exit for me at all.”

My body relaxed a bit and I was glad I didn’t have to feel any jealousy over a man I wouldn’t
ever meet.

“That’s nice. We have that one thing in common at least.”

“Your human instincts…Well, do you find me attractive, in that way, at all?”

I laughed, glad of the fact that she could not hear my thoughts.

“I may not be human, but I am a man.” I saw her yawn and smiled. “I've answered your
questions. Now you should sleep.”

“I'm not sure if I can.”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“No!”

I laughed at her, amused by how loud she was. I heard Charlie stir in his room, but he didn’t
wake, so I returned to humming her song again. I didn’t even notice when she fell asleep, and
only stopped humming when she mumbled my name.

“Mhhhmmm…Edward….mm…I love Edward.”

My heart could have skipped, if it weren’t for the fact that it was dead. She didn’t speak much
after that, a few words about how happy she was. She mentioned the kiss, and then she was
quiet. I watched her silently, occasionally sweeping her hair out of her face. I watched her
chest rise and fall, glad to find myself where I had, so many times before now, longed to be.
She was in my arms and I could hold her, touch her and occasionally kiss her forehead while
she slept soundly, her collar bone rising and falling with her breath and a small smile stuck on
her face.
As much as I didn’t want to miss her face as she slept I had to shower and change. I ran home
as quick as I could and jumped in the shower. Getting changed as quickly as I could, not
wanting to miss a thing. I trotted down the stairs to find Rosalie standing in front of the door
waiting. I walked past her without a word, still angry at her for her attitude toward Bella at
lunch on Friday.

“Edward.” She called after me, I had tuned her thoughts out but now she was screaming at
me. If I don’t tell you Carlisle’s message who will?

I sighed and turned. “What?”

“He wants to meet Bella. If you’re not doing anything he says he's got today off.”

“Oh right. Sure, I’ll see.” I replied. “Where is everyone?”

“They’ve gone hunting.”

“Alice as well?”

“To help Jasper.” She nodded

“OK. Well, see you later then.” I finished awkwardly, and she smiled weakly and walked
away.

I climbed back through Bella’s window and got myself back into the position I had had
before I left. I wanted to feel her warmth. I wanted to enjoy her company again. I didn’t want
this calm to end. I watched her in peace, staring at her small smile all through the night until
the sun’s first rays caused my skin to reflect across the walls, informing me of the dawn.