Much of self-help literature portrays 

codependency  and narcissism  as polar opposites. Codependency is

often associated with excess selflessness. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is often linked to
excess selfishness .
Many narratives depict codependent people as victims who fall prey to those with narcissistic traits. This
oversimplification neglects a core truth at the heart of both codependency and narcissism: both
codependents and narcissists can lack a healthy sense of self.

CODEPENDENCY AND NARCISSISM: SAME NEEDS, DIFFERENT BEHAVIORS

Narcissism and codependency are both linked to an undefined self. They often struggle to get a sense of
who they truly are. People with these conditions often rely on other people to define their own  identities.
As such, they place a lot of importance on what others think of them.
People with NPD often develop an intense, almost exclusive focus on themselves. They may display a
lack of empathy or regard for others’ needs. They may only care about others’ feelings in relation to
themselves. Narcissistic people often need someone else to inflate their self-esteem . They may need a
continuous stream of affection and admiration to feel good about themselves. Some self-help websites
refer to this stream as a “narcissistic supply.”
Meanwhile, people with codependency are often hyper-focused on others. They typically form an
identity around serving others’ needs. They may try to control another person’s behavior, believing they
know what is best for the person. Instead of praise, codependents often crave gratitude  and a sense of
“being needed.”
Almost everyone wants to feel loved or important. Narcissism and codependency are two strategies to
achieve that goal. However, both conditions can create an excessive reliance on others’ approval.

THE COMMON ORIGINS OF CODEPENDENCY AND NARCISSISM

Both codependency and narcissism are linked to adverse childhood experiences . A 2001 study of 793
mothers and children found a threefold increase in NPD among children whose mothers were  verbally
abusive. A 1999 study of 200 college students linked codependent behaviors to childhood
parentification. Parentification is when a child takes on a caretaker role for their parents or siblings,
often due to neglect or abuse.
People with NPD and codependency often have similar childhood experiences. They’ve simply adopted
different ways of adapting. For example, say a pair of twins grow up neglected. One sibling may develop
a low self-esteem and learn they are only “worth something” if they are useful to others. They may grow
into a codependent adult who is used to sacrificing their own needs. The second sibling might develop an
inflated self-esteem as a protective mechanism. The neglect makes the child feel unimportant, so as a
narcissistic adult, they may crave constant validation to prove their self-worth.

The codependent and narcissistic siblings may develop very different behaviors and personalities. But in
both scenarios, trauma and a fractured sense of self are at the core of the problem.

UNDERSTANDING THE DANCE OF NARCISSISM AND CODEPENDENCY

People with codependency sometimes form relationships  with people who have NPD. Typically the two
partners develop complementary roles to fill each other’s needs. The codependent person has found a
partner they can pour their self into, and the narcissistic person has found someone who puts their needs
first.
Narcissism and codependency aren’t always opposites. The desire to feel needed is not
that different from the desire to feel important. However, this dynamic can quickly become
unhealthy. The codependent person may try to live vicariously through their larger-than-life partner.
When their partner doesn’t show enough gratitude for their service, the codependent person may
feel resentment. Meanwhile, the narcissistic person often exploits their partner’s people-pleasing
tendencies for their own narcissistic supply. As their ego grows, their demands may increase, until the
codependent person eventually burns out.
Even if they develop an abusive relationship , neither partner may try to leave. Both people may stay in
an unhealthy situation for fear of being alone. Without help, this dynamic can grow increasingly toxic.

CAN CODEPENDENCY AND NARCISSISM OVERLAP?

Narcissism and codependency aren’t always opposites. The desire to feel needed is not that different
from the desire to feel important. While many studies find lower rates of narcissism among people with
codependency, some have actually found higher rates of narcissism among those with codependent traits.

A person who is codependent in one situation might be narcissistic in another. For instance, a person
might become codependent in their marriage, serving their spouse’s every need. Yet that same person
may feel an unending need for respect and praise from their children. causing them to manifest
narcissistic tendencies.

In some cases, an abusive person may try to gaslight  a codependent partner into believing they are
narcissistic. The abuser may sabotage any show of self-confidence  by calling their partner “egotistical.”
Typical acts of self-care , such as taking days off or spending time with friends, may be labeled “selfish.”
The codependent person may believe these accusations and try to fix the relationship by ignoring their
own needs. A person isolated from loved ones—who might offer a more objective view—is likely to
falsely believe they are a narcissist.
The fact that all people display narcissistic or codependent traits on occasion can make it even more
difficult for a person to decide if they’re narcissistic, codependent, or both.

CODEPENDENCY AND NARCISSISM: THERAPY CAN HELP

Codependency and narcissism can become pathological when they undermine a person’s  quality of
life or cause the person to harm others. It may be time to seek help if you show the following signs:
 A history of relationships in which abuse has been present.
 Difficulty feeling close to others.
 Feelings of emptiness  or low self-esteem.
 Feeling as if your identity depends on what others think of you.
 Feeling like others don’t fully appreciate you or acknowledge your importance.
 Feeling like you are never properly thanked for all you have given up.
A therapist can help people with narcissism or codependency understand the root of their insecurities. In
therapy, you can learn how to replace flawed coping mechanisms with healthier behaviors. Talking
through your experiences can help you access to new ways of thinking and being.

Therapy offers compassion , not judgment.  No matter where you are in your relationships or how much
you have struggled in your life, the right therapist can help. Find a therapist skilled at helping people
with your needs here .
References:

1. DSM-IV and DSM-5 criteria for the personality disorders [PDF]. (2012). American

Psychiatric Association. Retrieved from

http://www.psi.uba.ar/academica/carrerasdegrado/psicologia/sitios_catedras/

practicas_profesionales/820_clinica_tr_personalidad_psicosis/material/dsm.pdf

2. Gunderson, J. G., Shea, M. T., Skodol, A. E., McGlashan, T. H., Morey, L. C., Stout, R.

L., . . . Keller, M. B. (2000). The collaborative longitudinal personality disorders study:

Development, aims, design, and sample characteristics. Journal of Personality

Disorders, 14(4), 300-315. Retrieved from

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11213788

3. Johnson, J. G., Cohen, P., Smailes, E. M., Skodol, A. E., Brown, J., & Oldham, J. M.

(2001). Childhood verbal abuse and risk for personality disorders during adolescence and

early adulthood. Comprehensive Psychiatry,42(1), 16-23. Retrieved from

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11154711
 4. Marks, A. D., Blore, R. L., Hine, D. W., & Dear, G. E. (2011, July 21). Development and

validation of a revised measure of codependency. Australian Journal of

Psychology, 64(3), 119-127. Retrieved from

https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1742-9536.2011.00034.x

5. Stafford, L. L. (2001). Is codependency a meaningful concept? Issues in Mental Health

Nursing, 22(3), 273-286. Retrieved from

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01612840121607

6. Wells, M., Glickauf-Hughes, C., & Jones, R. (1999). Codependency: A grass roots

construct’s relationship to shame-proneness, low self-esteem, and childhood

parentification. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 27(1), 63-71. Retrieved from

http://search.proquest.com/docview/230100367?accountid=1229
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They have even more in common than you mentioned. Core symptoms of codependency are shared:
Denial, Shame and low self-esteem, Dysfunctional Boundaries, Dysfunctional Communication,
Dependency, Control issues, and, as you mention, Intimacy Issues. See “Narcissists are Codependent,
too.”
Darlene Lancer, LMFT
Author of “Codependency for Dummies” and “Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-
Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People”
While I’m not an expert, I think it’s important to highlight that the behaviors used to convince a
codependent that he or she is the narcissistic one as mentioned under the subheading “Can
Codependency and Narcissism Overlap?” are used against all, not exclusively codependent partners.
These tactics are, of course, more effective when employed upon a codependent partner.
I believe that to understand and see yourself, you need 12 step meetings, Adult Children of
Dysfunction so that you can work out your part, and recover your self, therapy helps but not as much
as meetings.

While the origins of the behaviour made be similar, I don’t think these two opposing maladaptive
behaviours should be grouped together. The desire to feel needed, is a desire to connect, the desire to
feel important, is a desire to compete and be superior, not to connect. Not so similar.

I’ve seen co-dependents grouped again and again in work/education/healing circles with narcissists
as if they should ‘learn to get along, or learn from one another’. It’s always the same outcome, the
codependents suffer at the hands of the narcissists.

The narcisstic person often succeeds in life gaining power, control and exploiting the people around
them. The consequences for codependents.. being exploited in abusive relationships, burning out..etc
– can have tragic consequences.

Thank you, Pauline. I seem to be controlling. My wife says I’m narcissistic and co-dependent and I
don’t even realize the stupid things I say and do for attention until it’s too late. I’ll look into that
meeting because I can’t stand what I’m doing to my relationship or how to make it stop.

Just reading your post there made me think you can’t be that narcissistic as you seem to care enough
to want to get help and a genuine narcissist believes they don’t need help or at least would never
admit it. Frustratingly, if more of these people were open to working on themselves, they could
potentially be a lot happier, healthier and reflect that to the people in their lives creating much better
relationships and a lot less trauma that seems to with NPD.

The Bible forewarns to stay away from scandalists . They seem to destroy your life , happiness,
peace, relationships , and love . Love is incapable and the state of mind created by abusing
themselves with loss of boundaries , then expecting others to have zero boundaries to continue the
abuses . They are initiator of abuses. Not traumatized by others but rebellious to stir there own
conditions . A suggestion is CAT scans to see there patterns . It’s as intentional as premeditated
murderers . Then try to hide and over it after exploit themselves as if a need. Forewarned.

Each seek a scapegoat of there own causes and effects . There goal to one up and placement to
dominate over others . Great mental , physical, emotional, spiritual , psychological harm for decades
and lifetimes . They create and ploy to own self entitlement issues as well. Unhealthy . Toxic
lifestyles . Bait switch and mockery is in goals to keep entitlement . They lack true empathy but build
there own self image whether true or not. Poor people skills. Seek attention , like murderers
obsessively , daily. On near every discussion. Toxic.
As with any issues in each division of mental, physical, emotion , spiritual, sensory , etc it’s a issue
with the intent of will. And to stop themselves.

A co dependent person may deflect narcissist traits with other people around them to try balance out
their situation. At the core they are different one wanting to please and control and the other wanting
to destroy and control.

I am enjoying the information from the writings: I have already identified some of my own problems.

Just curious, whats better for this? CODA or ACOA? i feel i have a mixture of these traits. Im not
nasty. but if my narc partner hurts me i will now get angry back. I think it stems from my childhood.
Im not sure where to start healing and i have experience in 12 step when i struggled with addiction in
my youth. Any advice would be great thanks

Codependents ARE narcissists, just another more vulnerable kind. I wish people would come to
terms with that, it’s not the end of the world, but if you’re shacked up with a narcissist for an
extended period, it’s because you yourself are high in other narcissistic traits.