thank you all so much how's it going

how we doing ted ted women

they brought me in for a bit of comic

relief

i'm so excited to be here at ted women

you know i i think i speak for myself

but also for all of us

when i think i'm really inspired you

know and personally i feel like i'm not

going to stop

until every person living or dead is a

woman

and yeah

yeah i think that's where we're at

no but i do hate when people say that

god is a woman

right i hate that i really i think she

would have done better you know

no

yeah

it's like if god is a woman she's a real

guy's gal if you know what i mean

so

i'm gonna do a couple songs for you guys

um so this first one i wrote before

lockdown but it became especially

relevant and it's about this thing i do

um where i like somebody i have a crush

or maybe we go on a couple dates

and instead of letting things unfold

naturally

i'll sort of accidentally scroll their

instagram back until 2012.

this song's about that

i learned too much about you too soon

because i couldn't wait

yes i

interned stalked you

to the point that we can no longer die

cause i know your mother's name and your

father's name and your sister's name and

your cousin's husband's name

i know that your uncle recently passed

away

and i'm so sorry about that babe

i know every girl that you've ever dated

and the exact day you stopped being

happy

your posture changed

i know that you and your friends hike

a lot

it's

too much we'll change that i've seen

every photo tagged of you on the entire

internet

i know you dropped out of college but

your spanish it's polished and you own

approximately five shirts

the police are outside my door

but i'm clutching your head all i made

on the

floor

if they ever tell people how often other

people look at their profiles i will

kill myself

so goodbye

i love where i

start

thank you

it's vulnerable

i feel like it's like a thing people say

when conversation gets kind of boring at

parties you know or they're like did you

hear there's an app where you can see

who looks at your instagrams like that's

not funny

it's not funny it's not a cool thing to

say

i feel like there are people here have

been married for 40 years they're like

what the hell is she talking about

yeah it's complicated now it's gotten

complicated

no i know

you don't have to be old to be married

40 years some people get married and

they're like 20.

not me um

i do i do understand why like baby

boomers are sort of afraid now that

millennials are getting older you know

now that we're getting real jobs i do

get that you know it's hard to imagine a

millennial in a serious job right can

you imagine a millennial as a doctor

you know

like not to be a [ __ ] but you have

cancer

[Applause]

you know

like hands your prognosis like i'm

really sorry actually i'm not sorry

i'll tell you a little about myself

i had a pretty crazy last couple of

years so basically i had this set come

out for comedy central short set came

out april 2020 so right when we had just

gotten into lock town

and then cut to like six months later

one of the songs i did from that set

went super viral on tick tock

and right i was not on tick-tock okay

because i'm 32. so i sort of didn't know

we were allowed

but we are

and it was crazy because there's all

these people lip-syncing my song but in

my real life i had just started this job

working customer support for a food

delivery app so answering phone calls

for customer support the worst job i've

ever had in my life

so it was this really weird

juxtaposition because i'm having this

huge career moment when i look at my

phone right people are tweeting at me

like we love you

you're a genius and then for eight hours

a day people like you're a [ __ ] where's

my food

[Laughter]

and it was really interesting to

experience

so i'm gonna play the song for you guys

and then i'm gonna go over some of my

favorite male reactions that i got on

the internet afterwards

so

this song maybe you've heard it maybe

haven't it is um the true story about

the first american woman who they ever

sent to space whose name was sally ride

remember when nasa sent a woman to space

for only six days and they gave her

100 tampons

100 tampons

[Applause]

and they asked will that be enough

[Applause]

cause they didn't know if that was

enough

these are our nation's greatest minds

they are literally rocket scientists

they also tied the tampons together

by the strings like sausages

100 tampons

a hundred tampons

i can picture it now

come with me

i'm sally right and i'm going to space

for the first time i'm walking tall

i feel so proud

then i see a man running panic through

the crowd

he's holding a large bag

[Music]

i think what can this be

and then he hands 100 tampons to me

and then he hands 100 tampons to me for

one week

they could have asked me

[Music]

i would have said maybe 33.

cause even if it were my period week

i might have already brought some with

me

[Music]
but you know

thanks i guess

[Music]

100 tampons how does she use a tampon

when they tied the strings together

100

tampons don't hate me

525

600 tampons so sorry 525

000

[Music]

in space

thank you all

thank you so much thank you

thank you i really appreciate it

so

men on the internet were furious about

this song

furious and it's funny because honestly

to be honest out of all the feminist

comedy songs that i've written this is

the absolute tamest by far

like for example me and my bandmate

isabel martin we wrote a song called all

older white men should die parentheses

but not my dad

so i really didn't think this would make

them that angry

i really didn't

but they were enraged so i wanted to

show you some of my favorite genres

of comments that i got

so this first one we have what i call

the honest critic just offering a

critique

okay so so he starts

it was funny at first but then she

ruined it okay all right let's hear him

out someone said

please elaborate

all right you have criticism let's hear

it

she kept yapping about the tampons yeah

and you know what fair

so you know i'm gonna take the i mean to

be honest the tampons is sort of a

central part of the song

but i'll take the note you know

we'll work it going forward

this next one i call the microgravity

expert and this this was an absolutely

amazing phenomenon because what happened

was

somehow within the three to four minutes

of my song

thousands of men on the internet became

experts in microgravity

and menstruation

and i think that is so impressive

because normally that sort of takes

years

to really understand

but they got it like that and i just

think

that is huge he said at that time nobody

had experience having a period of

microgravity relax

because really that's what they're angry

about is they're sitting at their

computer like stop laughing

it isn't funny

this next comment this pissed me off

more than anything this type of comment

i'll just show you

look at beau barnum up if you liked and

then the person said i did look him up

and he's really good thanks for the

suggestion

guys can we focus on me can we please

focus on me

okay bo burnham has had three netflix

specials all right i just quit my job at

customer support okay so let's ice let's

just focus on me okay it's my song okay

thank you

so thank you so much this last one um

this is what i called the essayist and

this is somebody who i'm sure they were

pitching to the new york times and new

york times said we're full this month so

they decided to just dm it to me

directly and i think that's great

um this went on for several paragraphs i

will say

uh does 100 tampons really seem that

unreasonable considering that it's nasa

huh

i'm male no

i really i thought this message was a

woman that's wow

and i understand that you wouldn't take

100 with you on a seven day vacation but

nasa had to plan for the absolute worst

case scenario

from a quick google

i see most women use 3 to 10 tampons per

day

10 being an absolute disaster of a

flow an absolute disaster

of a flow because this is what their

fear was wasn't it the men in nassau

they're like she's gonna get up there

it's gonna come out of her eyes and her

ears and her mouth

and if we don't have 100 tampons boys

we're in trouble

we're in real trouble up there boys

so i wrote him back i said you're

absolutely right i'll cut the song i'll

delete it right now it doesn't make any

sense you're completely right

but

in all honesty i am really really

thankful if this song started any

conversation where it might otherwise be

uncomfortable about periods that's a lot

of the feedback i got and that was the

most amazing thing to me like people

sending it in their slack channels to

their bosses texting it to their dads

and i just think it's really insane as

we all know that half the population

bleeds and the other half has no idea

what is going on and

i'm really grateful for that and i know

it sounds cheesy but i often just find

myself thinking that i really hope sally

would have liked it so thank you all so

much thank you