harder to see alright so our next

speaker is definitely playful she's also

mischievous curious little crass very
cool very smart she's breaking taboos
and barriers with her eponymous very
successful TV show on Comedy Central and
she has a new book coming out in April
called the bed-wetter stories of courage
Redemption and P prepare for a various
very very serious 18 minutes with Sarah
Silverman I am 39 years old and I still
wake up every morning so excited that I
don't have to go to school
it's the little things you have to
appreciate the little things and one of
those little things is oh [ __ ]
communication honest communication it
feels good to be honest I went home
recently to visit my mother and we had
some really nice mother-daughter time
together and we were in the bathroom she
was brushing her hair and I was waiting
for the shower to get warm and we were
just talking and I turned to get into
the shower once it warmed up and she
said she looked at my bottom and she
said Sarah what is that and I turned
around and looked in the mirror and on
my ass was a bruise the exact shape of a
hand
and I said I'm sleeping with a man that
spanks me
well does it hurt you know what mom I'm
usually so high
probably but my mother and I have always
had a very special connection I remember
when I was very little I would take
showers with my mom when I was about
three we would shower together and she
would her water source was the
showerhead that's from from from what
she would cleanse herself then that
water would then cascade down her and
kind of Pike off of her um you know it
was the 70s you know and that's from
from what I would clean myself I don't
know why but it was such a happy memory
it was like like I had my very own curly
shower or something and I remember
thinking you need water to start soap
but you also need water to end soap I
was very deep I was very very deep um
but being honest is something that I
enjoy very much um with my Nana as well
who she's dead but when she was alive I
would go to her nursing home and sing
for her and all of her friends and well
I mean they weren't her friends but they
were her you know partners in about to
being dead yes
and I would sing them this song I wrote
just for them can you blow your own nose
can you tie your own shoe if you had
velcro ones would you even know what to
do when you make a duty is it in your
pants or trousers as they said in the
day are you mad because your grandson is
gay is it a bummer that your pubes are
all gray when you clear your throat is
it really disgusting does it go on for
hours and miles you're gonna die soon
you're gonna die soon it's not cold in
here you're just dying you're gonna die
soon you're gonna die soon you in the
back you are dying soon you're gonna die
soon you're gonna die soon we're all
gonna die but not as soon as you guys
you're gonna die you're gonna die you're
dying thank you I grew up in Bedford New
Hampshire which is a really
it's a very small town and it has almost
no Jews and when I grew up it had no
Jews and I wasn't raised with any
religion at all so it wouldn't matter
and it didn't matter but the only reason
the only way that I really knew I was
Jewish at all was because nobody around
me was and they saw me that way so it
became the way I defined myself and I
remember in third grade boarding the
book the school bus and Matt Italia
threw pennies at my feet and said you
know pick it up you like pennies and I
was like I do okay and um you know I
look back on it it certainly wasn't a
race crime it was a young boy trying to
get his head around something that he
had never seen before and even then I
understood that because again I was very
very deep and also 39 cents richer I was
annoyed as a kid because around
Christmastime a lot of the kids would
blame me for my people killing Jesus and
I thought it was hilarious too but you
know um it was so annoying because I
thought to myself like jeez it's not
like we killed baby Jesus I mean the guy
had a decent run for 33 years mm ring
and by the way you're welcome because
otherwise he would not have been famous
think about it Marilyn Janis Joplin and
Frank they need to die early to get
famous you imagine if Anne Frank was
still alive she'd be like you know the
person on the like not on the dais but
like at the roast that they tell the
comics she'll be there you can make fun
of her she'll be in the crowd it's a
little bit of an inside joke but you
know I mean podcasts like that would go
somewhere I said I'll wing it with that
thing here's a fun fact uh there are
Jews in Ethiopia they're called
Ethiopian Jews they were I'm
paraphrasing cuz I don't know I'm I
don't know this stuff so well but my
sister is a rabbi and she's like smart
and I remember her saying they were like
separated from all other Jews for 2,000
years and when they finally discovered
them they said they saw that they still
practiced Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah
and as well they were rather pushy and
fairly cheap so it's pretty amazing I
understand I understand why we need
religion because at the very at it's
very core it's a survival skill it's a
way to UM it's a way to cope it's a way
to understand the big questions the the
things you know the universal questions
that are just unanswerable a lot of
people can't just go like well I'm
existing in a place with a lot of
totally unanswerable questions they need
to know so it's like a way to
compartmentalize as a way to deal with
it I mean think about we were a spec
that's totally [ __ ] I mean like you
know we were once like I exploded up out
of my dad's balls
a lot I I mean
swimming in semen drowning in semen I
shot out of my father's penis hole it's
just amazing to think I was ever that
thin everybody experiences insecurities
in different ways you know it's either a
meekness or a chip on your shoulder you
feel like people are disrespecting you
at the drop of a hat you know or maybe
you need to like name-drop or brag a lot
you haven't realized yet that that's not
going to buy you any extra love
insecurity can Humble us you know I
remember when I first moved to New York
City I was walking down the street and
like honestly construction workers I
know it sounds whistled at me and I
turned around like ah and the guy goes
not you in security
can protect us really I mean how many
people do you know that really are not
seeing themselves the way other people
see them it's it's a again like a
survival skill you know um you get the
feeling that some people if they were
one or two degrees more unto themselves
they'd kill themselves maybe take like
uh let's say a woman let's say when she
was 19 she was smoking hot now she's a
little bit older let's make her like 39
not as hot she's not as hot but she
doesn't realize it because she's only
looked out her own eyes okay this is my
impression of this woman 19 smoking hot
now she's 39 not as hot
it's so weird when I was like 19 there
were so many of official pussy
inspectors like everywhere you looked
there was an official [ __ ] inspector
you never see them anymore how crazy is
that you know I probably computers
spend so much time wondering if we could
we don't think if we should quote from a
movie doesn't really fit how about when
people go like yo whatever they do that
like jerking off thing like yeah
whatever
what are they saying they're saying I
don't care right yeah whatever I don't
care but if you really didn't care you
probably just you wouldn't do anything
at all right wouldn't need to like
desperately show people that you don't
care that's some security yeah
whatever whatever just please don't
think I care and in exchange
feel free to know my way that I
masturbate I'll die if you think I care
please don't think I care I will happily
trade you thinking I care for you now
knowing my way that I make myself come
a lot of women oh that's alright
a lot of women are will misbehave and
then they just say that they're a diva
and they think that just makes
everything okay I'm a diva I can cut in
line I'm a diva I can be selfish and
thoughtless I'm a diva I'm pretty sure
you're a [ __ ]
we live in a world of excess and we have
to curb that if we want to keep on
living
um population in the world doubles every
40 years I think I may have made that up
but it's something like that
I read it on a blog but it's something
like that right that's crazy
and I understand people want to have
babies they want to have the experience
of being pregnant they want to have a
little version of themselves that they
can like do it right this time or
whatever but there are so many kids it's
hard to think that and I when my friends
are pregnant I'm so excited but it is
odd to think how how it's not total
vanity to give birth when there are so
many children out there to adopt and I'm
going to I know that one day I would
like to adopt I'm going to take it a
step further I am going to adopt a
mentally challenged child um
that's three full thank you it's harder
for them to get adopted I have to
doodles of love to give and three I just
really enjoy the company of the mentally
challenged there is one caveat I
realized in my plan and that is they
don't leave the nest at 18 you die
god-willing of old age at 80 and you are
worried about who's going to take care
of your 60 year old [ __ ] child
that's where I came up with this
brilliant solution I am going to adopt a
[ __ ] child who's terminally ill I
know now you're thinking who looked to
adopt a [ __ ] child who's terminally
ill
an amazing person I don't remember any
911 firefighters adopting terminally ill
[ __ ] children that's all I'm saying
um of course there's the inevitable
awkwardness during the adoption process
the questions you have to ask you know
are you sure there's absolutely no cures
on the horizon Ted is fancy people come
here they always have visual aids they
talk about heady stuff like perspective
and so I'm going to do that for a second
okay a lot of people look at this they
see a very big number
a lot of people look at this and they
see a relatively a relatively low number
I look at this oh [ __ ] I see a butt
pooping and what have you did too I
think early on I'll go one further
sometimes I look at this I see boobs
pooping very abstract very very abstract
I'm going to end we're going to need
some Purell over here this is a song
because everybody deserves a song for
the porn stars in the audience today and
you're all stars there's a hole in your
butt
where the duty comes out there's a hole
in your butt where the penises go in
your vagina has so many penises in it
that you might as well talk about the
times there are none in it cuz those are
the times that are more unique
there's a dream in your head that will
never come true there's a stickiness all
over and it didn't come from you you
wish your dad had been there but more
often times he was not you can't put
your arms around a dirty gangbang
[ __ ] but that's all you get that's
all you get
do you ever take drugs so that you can
have sex without crying yeah yeah do you
ever take drugs so that you can have sex
without crying yeah yeah there's a hole
in your heart where the sorrow pours out
there's a hole in your heart where
ambivalence sets in dududu all the
penises in the country all the penises
in the world all the penises in the
galaxy he won't feel your heart hole
[ __ ] up a little bit thank you
she ran away
I'm very rarely at a loss for words
you know Robert I was just thinking that
can you imagine the conversations we're
going to be having about well what do
you think about the beauty can we can we
use that word on the internet well open
it out for applause Sarah come back for
it so they can applaud you but we don't
have time for an encore I'm sorry
they need to applaud you they need to
applaud you a little more
this can't be right
if we had time if we had time I'd ask
you for an encore although it would also
terrify me but instead I will just thank
you you are a total total delight oh
thank you so much they demanded you back
oh my gosh thank you so much just had to