something else i don't understand

motivation
tapes motivation books what happened
here suddenly everybody needs to be
motivated it's a fairly simple thing
either you want to do something or you
don't what's the big mystery
besides if you're motivated enough to go
to the store to buy a motivation book
aren't you motivated enough to do that
so you don't need the book put it back
tell the court [ __ ] you i'm motivated
i'm going home
i'm going home
and can anyone explain to me the need
for one hour photo finishing
you just saw the [ __ ] thing
how how can you possibly be nostalgic
about a concept like a little while ago
another complaint too many vehicles
there are some families in this country
own entirely too many vehicles
you see them on the highway in an rv but
that's not enough for them harvey's not
enough
behind them they're towing a motorboat
go-kart dune buggy dirt bike jet ski
snowmobile
parasail hang glider windsurfing
equipment a hot air balloon and a small
two-man deep-sea diving bell
doesn't anyone just take a [ __ ] walk
anymore
the only thing these people lack is a
lunar excursion module
too many choices america it's not
healthy
another abomination white guys
over 10 years of age who wear their
baseball hats backwards
right guys let me tell you something
you're never going to be as cool as
black guys
it's not going to happen you're white
and you're
lame
it's a [ __ ] law of nature
turning your hat around and learning a
complicated handshake will not make you
cool
and you black guys since you started the
whole thing i'm going to let you stay
with the hats a little bit longer but i
think really once you qualify for social
security it's time to spin that
[ __ ] around to the front again
another tip another tip for the men the
earrings the thing with the earrings
it's over it's been over for a long time
doesn't mean anything anymore
it was supposed to piss off the squares
the squares are wearing
them now doesn't mean any it's just
[ __ ] jewelry
unless you have an earring with a live
baby hanging from it
it's just jewelry and i want you to know
i'm in favor of self-mutilation and
personal disfigurement
i've always said there's nothing like
puncturing and perforating your skin in
a dozen or so places in order to
demonstrate your high self-esteem
when i see a young man decorating his
scalp with a soldering iron i say
there's a happy guy
thinks highly of himself
and haven't we gone a little overboard
with these colored ribbons
for different causes every cause has its
own color driven now
red for age blue for child abuse pink
for breast cancer green for the rain
forest purple for urban violence i got a
brown one you know what it means
eat [ __ ] [ __ ] eat [ __ ]
[ __ ]
and what can we do to silence these
christian athletes
who thank jesus whenever they win never
mention his name when they lose
not a word you never hear him say jesus
made me drop the ball
the good lord tripped me up behind the
land of scrimmage
according to these guys jesus is
undefeated meanwhile these [ __ ] are
in last place
must be another one of those miracles
and speaking of delusional people what
about a guy who hears a voice in his
head tells him to kill his entire family
so he does it
is this the only thing a voice in that
ever tells these people to do is to kill
others
doesn't a voice ever tell a guy go take
a [ __ ] on the salad bar at
doesn't the wendy's doesn't always tell
a guy to take out his dick on the
merry-go-round once in a while
well some guys do take out their dicks
on the merry-go-round
but usually it's their own idea
something else i can do without
aftershave and cologne
and this disgusting [ __ ] that men put on
their bodies
just what i need in the elevator some
guy standing next to me smells like a
[ __ ] pine tree
i said go home and wash your smelly
prick
you smell like the urinal in a
portuguese cat house
goddamn guys are stupid guys are really
[ __ ] dumb they think they're going to
get laid with this stuff you know
oh yeah they put it on at home oh boy oh
boy i'll get laid tonight i'll get laid
tonight
you don't get laid with green [ __ ] that
comes out of a bottle okay
and the only smell that's going to help
you get laid might be your own natural
scent
you have pheromones it's a secondary sex
characteristic people in america
oh nervous about sex they want to cover
that up and disguise it guys in europe
they know how to live guy gets in the
elevator over there he smells like a
pile of dog [ __ ]
those people are sophisticated
getting pretty tired of these guys
walking around and cowboy hats and
cowboy boots you ever see these jackoffs
can't we kill some of these
[ __ ]
walking around the [ __ ] cowboy hat
grown man it's not even halloween for
christ's sakes
i say hey tex grow up and get yourself a
wardrobe consistent with the century
you're living in
why do certain men feel the need to
dress up as mythic figures
you don't see anyone walking around in a
pirate costume do you
once the last guy you ran into had on a
viking outfit
make-believe cowboys closest they ever
got to a cows when they stopped to take
a piss at an arby's
and camcorders here is technology gone
berserk
everywhere you go now there's some dick
some yo-yo
some putts with a camcorder
and he is going to tape everything
doesn't anyone in this country just stop
and look at things anymore
sort of take them in maybe even
remember them is that just a strange
notion does that does experience have to
be documented and brought home and saved
on the show and do people really watch
this [ __ ]
are people's lives so bankrupt they sit
at home looking at things they already
did
these guys are so intense you know it's
always guys they won't let women touch
the cameras it's a highly technical
skill
look through a hole push on a button big
skill and they're they all think they're
federico fellini
low angles zooms and pans and it's the
same ugly three children in every
goddamn shot
all the george lucas magic in hollywood
is not going to change the unfortunate
genetic configuration on the faces
of these children keep these unfortunate
youngsters out of public view
now a lot of these
hold on a sec a lot of these
cultural crimes i've been complaining
about can be blamed on the baby boomers
something else i'm a little tired of
hearing about the baby boomers
whiny narcissistic self-indulgent people
with a simple philosophy give me it it's
mine
give me that it's mine these people were
given
everything everything was handed to them
and they took it all
took it all sex drugs and rock and roll
and they stayed loaded for 20 years and
had a free ride
but now they're staring down the barrel
of middle age burnout
and they don't like it they don't like
it so they turn self-righteous
and they want to make things hard on
younger people they tell them abstain
from sex
say no to drugs as for the rock and roll
they sold that for television
commercials a long time ago
so they could buy pasta machines and
stairmasters
and soybean futures
you know something
they're cold bloodless people it's in
their slogans it's in their rhetoric
no pain no gain just do it life is short
play hard
[ __ ] happens deal with it get a life
these people went from do your own thing
to just say no they went from love is
all you need to whoever winds up with
the most toys wins
and they went from cocaine to rogaine
and you know something they're still
counting grams only now it's
fat grams and the worst of it is the
rest of us have to watch these
commercials on tv
for levi's loose fitting jeans and fat
ass
docker pants because these degenerate
yuppie boomer [ __ ] couldn't keep
their hands off the croissants and the
haagen-dazs
and their big fat asses have spread all
over and they have to wear fat ass
docker pants [ __ ] these boomers [ __ ]
these yuppies
and [ __ ] everybody now that i think of
it
well
sometimes in comedy you have to
generalize
now there's one thing you might have
noticed i don't complain about
politicians everybody complains about
politicians everybody says they suck
well where do people think these
politicians come from they don't fall
out of the sky
they don't pass through a membrane from
another reality
they come from american parents and
american families american homes
american schools american churches
american businesses and american
universities
and they're elected by american citizens
this is the best we can do
folks this is what we have to offer
it's what our system produces garbage in
garbage out if you have selfish
ignorant citizens if you have selfish
ignorant citizens you're going to get
selfish ignorant leaders
and term limits ain't going to be any
good you're just going to wind up with a
brand new bunch of
selfish ignorant americans so maybe
maybe
maybe it's not the politicians who suck
maybe something else sucks around here
like the public yeah the public sucks
there's a nice campaign slogan for
somebody
the public sucks [ __ ] hope
[ __ ] hope because if it's really just
the fault of these politicians then
where are all the other bright
people of conscience where are all the
bright honest intelligent americans
ready to step in
and save the nation and lead the way we
don't have people like that
this country everybody's at the mall
scratching his ass picking his nose
taking his credit card out of his fanny
pack and buying a pair of sneakers with
lights in them
so i have solved this little political
dilemma for myself in a very simple way
on election day i stay home i don't vote
[ __ ] him
[ __ ] him i don't vote two reasons
two reasons i don't vote first of all
it's meaningless
this country was bought and sold and
paid for a long time ago the [ __ ] they
shuffle around every four years
doesn't mean a [ __ ] thing and
secondly i don't vote because i believe
if you vote
you have no right to complain people
like to twist that around i know they
say
they say well if you don't vote you have
no right to complain but where's the
logic in that
if you vote and you elect dishonest
incompetent people and they get into
office and screw everything up
well you are responsible for what they
have done you caused the problem
you voted them in you have no right to
complain i
on the other hand who did not vote
who did not vote who in fact
did not even leave the house on election
day
in no way responsible for what these
people have done and have every right to
complain as loud as i want about the
mess you created that i had nothing to
do with
so i know that a little later on this
year you're going to have another one of
those really swell
presidential elections that you like so
much you'll enjoy yourselves it'll be a
lot of fun
i'm sure as soon as the election is over
your country will improve immediately
as for me i'll be home on that day doing
essentially the same thing as you
the only difference is when i get
finished masturbating
i'm going to have a little something to
show for it folks
thank you very much