Gaby Castillo 1

Gaby Castillo

Mrs. Scharf

ERWC Period 5

25 January, 2022

Scholarship Essay

Rubric

After completing your Scholarship Essay Assignment, highlight in yellow what you believe

you earned on your Scholarship essay on the rubric below.

6 5 4 3 2 1
W 11-12.4 A little Reflection is thoughtful and The student reflects on The student Attempt No
Produce clear and more reveals the author has his/her essay and how reflect on the to reflect evidence
coherent writing successful reflected on specific aspects he/she revised. The changes he/she
in which the than a 5 of the essay and how to student shares some of made but the
development, revise. The writer seems the specific techniques reflection might
organization, and genuinely engaged in the and changes he/she made be more
style are process of reflecting and but could go into more surface-level or
appropriate to revising by writing about detail. to just “get it
task, purpose, and the changes she/he has over with”
audience. made.

W 11-12.5 A little Develop and strengthen Develop and strengthen Develop writing Attempt No
Develop and more writing multiple times as writing as needed by by revision or to revise evidence
strengthen writing successful needed by planning, planning, revising, planning.
as needed by than a 5 revising, editing, rewriting, editing, rewriting, or
planning, or trying a trying a new approach,
revising, editing, new approach, focusing on focusing on addressing
rewriting, or addressing what is most what is most significant
trying a new significant for a for a specific purpose and
approach, specific purpose and audience.
focusing on audience.
addressing what
is most
significant for a
specific purpose
and audience.

Original Essay

Write the essay’s prompt (recreate to the best of your ability) here: Write about the symbols

that represent you.

 Gaby Castillo 2

To the best of your knowledge, what scores did you earn on this essay? If you can’t

remember the scores, what were some of the things you struggled with in this essay? What

needs to be improved?

- I believed I earned a 2 or a 3 on it. I remember struggling with being able to find things

that symbolize or played a part in my life. What needs to be improved is my details. My

explanations to why those symbols are relevant to me.

Unrevised Essay:

Mandala Autobiography Essay

Life is challenging. There is always gonna be curveballs thrown from left to right,

but at the same time I am very fortunate to be living the life I live.

My first symbol is a heart with the words “Great Grandma” and “Great Grandpa”

written in it. My Great Grandparents had lived hard lives, but never failed to make

everyone in their pathways feel loved.They made me who I am today, by always

showing me right from wrong and to always be kind to everyone. They made me at a lot

of things in different,good ways.

My second symbol is the beach. The beach has always been a special place for

my mom,siblings,and I. Every opportunity we had, we would go to the beach. We would

even go just to get away from any problems that we had at that moment.

My third symbol is an eagle. In my Native American culture, the eagle symbolizes

goodness and safety, whenever I see one that is near me, I take it as a sign, a warning.
 Gaby Castillo 3

It could also mean that a Native family member of mine that had recently passed could

be paying me a visit.

My fourth symbol is my road. When I had looked in front of me, all I could see

was a white blank. On the left,right, and behind me, I was able to locate the location of

where I was. I recognized it really well. All I could see was things near me, but they

were blurry. It was as if I could only see the past and present, but the future will always

remain unknown to me.

My last symbol is a heart with “FAMILY” written in it. My family is my everything.

They all will have a big impact on my life, because they have taught me that everyone is

different in their own way. I have learned from all their mistakes that they have each

made. I will forever have their backs.

In conclusion, my Great Grandparents were apart of my life in the past , but I will

continue my knowledge that they gave me. The beach will always be a safe place for

me. I will always keep an eye out for an eagle. My future will remain unpredictable until

it becomes my present. Lastly, my family who will have my heart.

 Gaby Castillo 4

Revised Essay

Type your revised essay in this section. Make sure to highlight in yellow the changes you made

from the original. These should be significant, meaningful changes, not just changes to grammar,

punctuation, etc.

Life is challenging. There are always gonna be curveballs thrown from left to

right, but at the same time I am very fortunate to be living the life I live. Life is not easy, if

it were easy, then everyone would not have their own issues they deal with; or rather, no

issues at all.

My first symbol is a heart with the words “Great Grandma” and “Great Grandpa”

written in it. My Great Grandparents had lived hard lives, but never failed to make

everyone in their pathways feel loved. They made me who I am today, by always

showing me right from wrong and how to be the best version of myself. They set an

example of what it is like to be hard working and when life gets tough, do not go down

without a fight.

My second symbol is the beach. The beach has always been a special place for

my mom, siblings, and I. Every opportunity we had, we would go to the beach. We

would even go just to get away from any problems that we had at that moment. Growing

up, my mom was a single mom. Her happy place is the beach. When life throws

obstacles at her, going to the place that makes all the stress evaporate and to escape

from reality; it holds a special place in my heart knowing the mark it leaves on her.
 Gaby Castillo 5

My third symbol is an eagle. In my Native American culture, the eagle symbolizes

goodness and safety. Whenever I see one that is near me, I take it as a sign, a warning.

Also, that a Native family member of mine that had recently passed is paying me a visit.

My fourth symbol is my road. When I looked in front of me, all I could see was a

white blank. In all directions, I was able to locate the location of where I was. I

recognized it really well. All I could see was things near me, but they were blurry. It was

as if I could only see the past and present, but the future will always remain unknown to

me. Quite literally, that is the definition of the future; the unknown. Time and life keeps

moving forward. No matter how many steps back you take, life and time do the

opposite.

My last symbol is a heart with “FAMILY” written in it. My family is my everything.

They are each unique in their own way, which is something I have learned from them.

Everyone has their own weaknesses and strengths; everyone has their own unique self

to bring to the table. Growing up being the baby in the family, I have seen/heard about

the mistakes they have made and how there is a lesson for me to learn from them. I will

forever have their backs because they will forever have mine. I am so fortunate to have

a family that cares for me, provides for me, sacrifices for me, etc. We have experienced

hardships together, which makes us stronger as a whole.

In conclusion, my Great Grandparents were a part of my life in the past, but I will

put the knowledge they taught me to use, throughout my life. The beach will always be

a safe place for me and knowing that it is a safe place for my loved ones is comforting. I

will always keep an eye out for an eagle because there are a variety of messages an

eagle holds within itself that I could use in that moment of my life. My future will remain
 Gaby Castillo 6

unpredictable until it becomes my present. Lastly, my family is the reason why I am who

I am today, and I will forever be grateful for what they have taught me so far in life.

Reflection

1st Paragraph: Write a paragraph explaining specifically what you revised in your essay and

why. Go into thoughtful details! How did these choices improve your essay? What skills do you

now have that you were able to use to help enhance your essay?

- What I revised was adding in details that made everything flow together. Beforehand, I

made it sound very choppy and random; there needs to be context in order for the reader

to get a good visualization of what I am trying to get across to them. One thing I do now

is imagine myself as the reader and judge if I would understand the message I am trying

to get across.
 Gaby Castillo 7

2nd Paragraph: Write a paragraph explaining how you’ve improved as a writer since your

freshman year: What did you struggle with before? What are you proud that you can do now?

- I have majorly improved because I used to just put whatever was on the top of my head,

and then add very minor context/details. It sounded bad and like an elementary schooler

wrote it. Definitely experiencing having a few different English teachers that have their

own advice to give to students helped a lot. Something I am proud of myself about now is

being able to write a lot more smoothly. I still have so much to work on but looking at

what I use to think was decent, which was actually horrible, is progress.