Understanding the mechanisms in our brain that lead to arousal.

Introduction 3
Arousal Non-Concordance 4
Responsive vs. Spontaneous Desire 6
Desire vs. Willingness 9
The dual control model 12
About the Author 14

Where did my sex drive go?

2
Introduction

Women are often confused, and sometimes disappointed, by their

sex drives. Perhaps you anticipated having sex before marriage and
then were surprised you didn't want it as much. Or maybe you had a
vibrant sex life before marriage, and now it seems to have waned.
Maybe your honeymoon period was hot and steamy, but now your
just not as easily aroused.

This eBook is a collection of articles explaining why you may be experiencing these things. It's really a
collection of blog posts, packaged up for easy consumption.
If you want to comment on an article, you can find it by going to UncoveringIntimacy.com and searching
for the chapter title. There you can ask questions of the community, share your experiences, or read other
people's comments.
If you have more specific questions, you can email me at Jay@UncoveringIntimacy.com or you can ask
anonymous questions on our Have A Question page.

Jay Dee

Title of the book 3

Arousal non-concordance is the phenomenon when your psychological arousal
does not match your physical arousal. This is something that happens to both
men and women, though it happens a lot more in women. So, what does this
mean?

Your spouse can mentally arouse you, but you show no physical signs
For women, this means you can mentally ready for sex, want it even, but physically, you’re not
lubricated (wet), and blood flow hasn’t increased in the genitals (making physical sensations
better). Unfortunately, this is the standard by which our society has deemed that arousal has happened or
not. We automatically assume that wet = aroused, both physically and mentally, and when that doesn’t
happen, we assume that something is wrong. Either they’re not interested in sex right now, or worse, they’re
not interested in us.
In fact, this has spawned a whole movement in part of the manosphere of rejecting the use of lube
because lube means the woman isn’t really interested and they want the most exciting passionate sex
possible. So, if she’s not wet…well, I’ll go find someone who is.
Now, hopefully that sort of mentality doesn’t exist in Christian marriages, but I am quite certain that
some husbands and wives are confused about a lack of natural lubrication at times by the wife. I wonder how
many are thinking something is wrong with themselves, with the situation, or with the marriage, when in fact,
there’s nothing wrong at all. It’s perfectly normal.
The same thing can happen for men. Again, our society has decided that erection = arousal, with in a lot
of cases, that isn’t true. A husband can be extremely interested in sex, but lack an erection. Sometimes this
has to do with erectile dysfunction, but other times it’s simple arousal non-concordance. His brain is aroused,
but his body hasn’t caught up, or kicked in. Again, because we’ve been taught to believe that erection =
arousal, this can be confusing for a lot of spouses. If a wife is giving her husband oral or manual sex, for
example, and he loses his erection, the assumption is that she’s not doing a good job, or at least that he’s not
enjoying it. But, I know for a fact that this happens to a lot of men and they are absolutely loving the
attention…there’s just this arousal non-concordance. It doesn’t mean he’s not enjoying it, and it doesn’t mean
you aren’t doing a good job. He may be extremely aroused mentally, but physically just need something
different.

Where did my sex drive go? 4

 You can be unaroused mentally, but show physical signs of arousal
Of course, the opposite is true as well. Many women have experienced lying in bed with their husband,
going through foreplay, and being very lubricated, but mentally not being there at all. They may be physically
ready for sex, but their mind is on the grocery list, or on the task list for tomorrow.
And just about every guy remembers being a teen and getting random erections without any mental
arousal. It doesn’t just happen when you are young either. How many of us have gotten an erection
occasionally when a child climbs into your lap? No one wants to talk about it, because everyone is terrified
they’ll be called a pedophile, and sadly, I’ve even seen psychologists claim that it shows something disturbing
about the individual, but the fact is that this is another facet of arousal non-concordance. There was a physical
stimulus and the physical arousal system kicked in. It has nothing to do with their mental arousal.
There is an overlap between physical and mental arousal
Now, it’s not that they’re completely disconnected of course. As far as I can tell from resources, in men,
there’s about a 50% overlap between mental and physical arousal. In women, it’s more like 10%. Women’s
arousal patterns are far more complex. Plus, it’s a lot harder for a woman to tell if she’s physically
aroused. Men have this obvious erection that strains against our clothing, or bumps into things, or, well, just
sticks out there. But for women, their genitals are not as obvious. They may have no idea that they are
wet. They could have increased blood flow to their genitals and not know it. I think this might be part of the
reason. After all, if a man get’s an erection, that tends to make him think about sex, and so they sync up a lot
more often. For women, there isn’t that obvious stimulus to trigger a mental arousal response.
How do we deal with arousal non-concordance?
So, what does this mean for us? Well there are a two major things:
Just because your husband has an erection, doesn’t mean something turned him on mentally. I don’t
want women thinking that he’s lusting after another woman just because he has an erection. That’s not
necessarily the case.
Don’t get upset if your husband isn’t getting hard. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like what you are
doing. Ask him.
Just because your wife isn’t wet, doesn’t mean she’s not interested in sex. Her body just might need
some time to catch up. This leads us to another topic of pro-active vs re-active sex drives that I might tackle
tomorrow. I’ve talked about them before, but I don’t think I have a post on the topic. In short, women’s sex
drives tend to be more reactive. If you start sex, usually they can catch up. Of course, they have to be willing
to let you arouse them.
Lastly, if arousal non-concordance symptoms worry you, don’t worry. It’s perfectly normal. You just
need to learn some tricks to get them to sync up when you need. Those will likely differ from individual to
individual, but finding them sounds like a fun exercise.

Where did my sex drive go? 5

In the last chapter, I wrote about arousal non-concordance and how sometimes
our body’s arousal doesn’t match up with our mind’s arousal. How it can be that
your mind might want sex, but your body isn’t ready. Or the opposite can
happen. Unfortunately, this confuses a lot of women about their own bodies (and
husbands about their wives’).
I mean, how do you know when you’re aroused if you can’t trust your body to tell you. Or if you can’t
trust your mind to accurately report on your body. Unfortunately society has taught us that in order for a
woman to want sex, she should be both mentally and physically aroused. But, as I shared yesterday, there is
only about a 10% overlap between mental and physical arousal. So, many wives think they’re never aroused,
and so they think they don’t want sex, and so they reject their husbands.
The problem is, a lot of them don’t know about another model out there: that of responsive vs
spontaneous desire. I’ve written about this in passing numerous times (sometimes I’ve called it reactive and
proactive desire), but I haven’t devoted an entire post to it yet, so here we go.
The study of sexuality has had a difficult history. Back in the dark ages, female sexuality was limited to
reproduction. For women to be sexual was considered shameful, only redeemed by their ability to bear
children. It’s in the era that they named women’s external genitals the ‘pudenda’, which is Latin for ‘shame’.
The male external genitals, by contrast are was named either after a bull, or a whale (the etymology is unclear).
The underlying principle was this: men’s sexuality is powerful and women’s sexuality is shameful.
Over the years, we’ve slowly become more willing to discuss the differences between male and female
sexuality, but this same foundation still largely exists. Men’s sexuality is considered normative, and women’s
sexuality is considered … less than ideal. For example, most of us have heard the analogy of women being like
crock pots (slow cookers) and men being like microwave ovens. Of course, there’s some truth to it, or it
wouldn’t be so popular. Women tend to take a long time to warm up, but they stay aroused for a long time.
Men, on the other hand, can heat up quickly, but when they stop … they cool down quickly too. But, this
analogy is still based on the same paradigm, that male and female sexuality are inherently the same. It doesn’t
explain the whole story. In fact, it ignores a huge part of it.
Men and women often have very different arousal patterns. Men tend to have spontaneous desire and
women tend to have more responsive desire. Two very different types of desire. Of course, it’s not quite as
clear cut as that. Men can be responsively aroused and women can be spontaneously aroused, and most of us
have both to varying degrees. But, in general and for the majority of men, spontaneous desire happens more
frequently, and in general and for the majority of women, spontaneous desire happens more infrequently.

Where did my sex drive go? 6

 Spontaneous desire
Spontaneous desire looks like this: You’re walking down the road and suddenly think “Wow, I would
love to have sex right now.” Or, you’re just sitting in a chair and suddenly you get an erection. This of course is
recognized by your brain and you think “Wow, I’d love to put this erection to use right now.” I’ve seen things
that say men think about sex every 7 seconds (which seems a bit much) to a few times a day (which seems too
little), and often if we’re thinking about sex … we want sex.
Ask a group of women how often they just suddenly want sex out of the blue, and you’re more likely to
get answers that range from once a week to once a decade. Of course, there are some who have spontaneous
desire pop up more often, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just not what the average woman
experiences.
Unfortunately, our society has been trying to tell us that spontaneous desire is not only the norm for
both men and women, but that it’s the proper pattern for arousal. In our movies somehow the lead couple
manage to spontaneously want sex at the same time. They just suddenly are overcome with a desire to have
sex. What are the chances of that in real life? Slim to none I’d say. It completely ignores responsive desire as a
mode.

Responsive desire
Responsive desire work the opposite and it looks like this. You aren’t aroused at all, but then your
husband starts rubbing your back, or stroking your hair, or kissing you and you start to think “Hmm, that feels
good…I might be up for some sex”. Or maybe it’s Friday night and you “always” have sex Friday night. You
know, it’s not scheduled … but it’s expected. So you allow your husband to undress you and start kissing you
and you’re thinking “Well, I’ll do this for him”. You’re not really aroused and so, with the help of lube, sex
begins and then you start feeling something. Then you start to think “Oh, wow, that’s starting to feel good.
Maybe I do want this….oh yeah, I definitely want this.” That’s responsive desire.
Luckily, we figured this out in our marriage a few years ago, and so my wife will sometimes say “let’s just
get started, and I’ll catch up”, because she knows that her arousal patterns is almost always responsive. I think
she’s only spontaneously wanted sex three times in our marriage, and even those are suspect (TTC).
If you don’t know about responsive desire then your sex drive can be confusing
Now, if you’re a wife and you don’t know anything about responsive desire, and you’ve been listening to
our culture all your life (how can you not), then you probably believe that sex should only happen when you’re
already aroused. I can’t tell you how many men have written me with the phrase “when the planets align”
when describing their wife’s willingness to have sex. Because in order for their wife to believe she wants to
have sex these things need to happen:

Where did my sex drive go? 7

1. She needs to spontaneously have a desire at the same time he does
2. Both her physiological arousal and her psychological arousal need to be in sync (see arousal non-
concordance)
3. The triggers of our sexual excitation system need to outweigh the triggers of her sexual inhibition system
(I’ll write on that in a post soon, I promise)
Frankly, the planets have a better chance of aligning. More often, these types of wives just give in and
give duty sex because they feel they are obligated to. And guess what happens? Turns out they enjoy it a lot of
the time! Most of them have orgasms, and think, or even say, in the moment “Why don’t we do this more
often?” But, then the next time her husband wants sex … well, they fall back on their culturally influenced
system of “am I in the mood for sex?” This confuses a lot of men, because they see their wife enjoying sex,
having orgasms, maybe even saying they want to do it more often … but it doesn’t ever change. They do
everything that society tells them they should do to have more sex. They help with dishes, they make sure
their wife enjoys herself during sex, they start with a massage, they go through every checklist. But the
problem is that they’re working against a flawed model. The problem isn’t that they aren’t doing enough in
most cases. The problem is that their wife is thinking she needs to be aroused before any sexual contact
begins.
When the reality is that the data shows that only about 15% of women find they have exclusively have
spontaneous desire whereas 75% of men do. On the other side of the spectrum, about 30% of women and 5%
of men will never experience spontaneous desire (I want to run my own survey on this to confirm). This can
cause some serious confusion and problems if you are expecting all desire to be spontaneous and the bulk of
women experience responsive desire more often than spontaneous.

How does this help us?

So, how do you solve this? Well, we need to realize that the problem isn’t the difference in modalities.
The problem is the expectation of everyone having spontaneous desire. By knowing about the two different
arousal types (if you’ve read this, then you’ve done that) you now become more aware that people are
different and those differences can be navigated. They don’t need to be changed. Second, share it with your
spouse, so they can understand as well. Lastly, we need to throw out this idea that we should only have sex if
we’re aroused. In fact, we should change the word “desire” to “willingness” in a lot of our communications
about sex, because that more accurately depicts the attitude and disposition needed. More on that in the next
chapter.

Where did my sex drive go? 8

Our society teaches us that we shouldn’t have sex unless we desire it. In movies,
both of the romantically involved characters are suddenly burning with passion
before they have sex. It seems spontaneous, while miraculously being perfectly
timed. In real life, this rarely happens. More often than not, one spouse has a
spontaneous desire and the other is responsive. If that wasn’t the dynamic we’d
all just sit around asking “Do you want now? No? Alright, I’ll ask the next time I
do.” Actually … I think that actually happens with a lot of couples. And it’s insane.

We have this crazy notion that if we’re not suddenly feeling desire, then sex is an imposition. As if this
wonderful gift from God somehow sours into something disgusting if we happen to not be feeling spontaneous
desire at the exact same moment our spouse is. Healthy couples have realized that there’s nothing wrong with
spontaneous desire. That’s how they can have amazing sex, even if it’s scheduled and both of them have to
rely on responsive desire. How is this possible? Because they’ve accepted that sometimes a willingness to
have sex can be just as powerful as a desire to have sex.

Desire to have sex

Desire is this strange thing. It’s not really measurable. We can’t really explain what it is except that we
“want” something. Too often we get it confused with physical arousal, which, while related, is very different.
For example, Viagra (et al) can boost physical arousal in a man, it can give him an erection, but it can’t force
him to want sex. It can’t affect desire. Now, most men will respond with desire if they have an erection, and so
it works most of the time. In women, it’s a bit different. Their arousal non-concordance is much stronger. I
have no doubt that there is a pill out there that can get a woman physically aroused, but there is little chance
that that physical arousal will actually lead to mental arousal / desire. It’s harder to force desire in women
because the signs of physical arousal in a woman aren’t as obvious, even to them.
What we do know is that for many people spontaneous desire just doesn’t happen very often. About
30% of women say it almost never happens, and spontaneous desire frequency tends to drop with age as well.
This is why a lot of men are surprised (and not in a good way) when their wives start becoming gatekeepers
later on in marriage. For some of them, their spontaneous desire is waning, and they refuse to utilize the other
mode: responsive desire. A lot of men (and women) see this right after they get married. I suspect that this is
because dopamine is triggered in high doses during dating/engagement/honeymoon because of the
excitement and dopamine directly influences arousal (both physical and mental).

Where did my sex drive go? 9

 I further suspect that this can trigger spontaneous desire more often, or at least significantly boost the
Sexual Excitation System (more on that in another post) so that it counters the Sexual Inhibition System (again,
another post) and makes it easier to accept responsive desire. But, I’ve not seen anyone doing studies on that
yet. So, that’s just my hypothesis.
When the excitement wears off and it become normal life, well, then we fall into what is actually
normative for the person, which often feels like a bait and switch, though I doubt it’s intentional in most cases.
This is when we need to fall back on responsive desire. However, that requires one be willing to be
aroused.

Willingness to have sex

Do not deprive one another … – 1 Corinthians 7:5a

Instead, those spouses who experience responsive desire more often than spontaneous desire need to
have an attitude of being willing to have sex. I think this is exactly what the Bible calls for. We’re rarely going
to find ourselves spontaneously aroused at the same time, and so one, or preferably both, need to be willing to
allow themselves to aroused in response.
I’ve gotten so many comments over the years from wives who have picked this concept up from a post,
or from our course for wives, and they are amazed at the outcome of that simple mindset shift. It redefines
their marriage! Yes, their entire marriage. Because the willingness to have sex instead of relying on
spontaneous desire, that mindset change overflows into other areas of marriage as well. Maybe I don’t feel
like going for a hike now…but I might enjoy it when I’m out. Maybe I don’t feel like doing the dishes now … but
I’ll be happy with the outcome. Plus, there are all the other benefits of having more frequent sex in marriage
too.
The problem is when a spouse (be they husband or wife) refuse to be aroused. When they think that
spontaneous arousal is the only valid form. Because for many of them spontaneous arousal just didn’t happen.
Then they decide unilaterally that sex isn’t important for marriage, because it’s not important for them. This is
not only incredibly selfish, it’s also childish.
Children under a certain age don’t understand what is termed “Theory of mind”. That is they think
everyone has the same perspective they do. This slowly starts to grow as they progress, but it’s extremely
evident in a toddler. If they are hungry, everyone should be hungry. They will try to feed you even. If they are
upset, they’re confused and frightened if you aren’t.
As we grow up, we start to understand that we don’t share a brain, that we have different perspectives
on life and experiences. But, some individuals never fully mature in that way. They think that because sex isn’t
important to them, then it’s not important to their spouse.

Where did my sex drive go? 10

 Or worse, they’re condescending in their belief that they are normative for not desiring sex, and so they
accuse their husband or wife of being broken, of being addicted to sex, of being full of lust. Usually when this
occurs, the relationship has died. Marriages cannot survive condescension. Oh, they may still be legally
married, own the house together, share on bills and such, but the fundamental relationship is gone. How can
you be intimate with someone who thinks you are sick for desiring to be with them?
Sorry, went off on a bit of a rant there. Where was I? Oh yes, willingness to have sex.

Test drive a willingness to have sex

My point is, the vast majority of “low drive” spouses will find that if they allow themselves to be
aroused, they will actually enjoy themselves. They’ll see not only personal benefits in their health, mood, etc.,
but also huge benefits to their marriage. Don’t believe me? Try it. Give it a month of not saying “No”. Of
saying “Yes” whenever your spouse wants sex (within reason). And don’t do it begrudgingly. You have to
actually be willing. It’s okay to ask for help getting aroused in that time. Ask for a massage. Massages are
great for responsive desire. They set the context for sex (naked, touching, bedroom, locked door), and give
your body time to get aroused.
Low drive spouses: I dare you, the next time your spouse initiates sex and you aren’t “in the mood” (as if
you should randomly be in the mood), then respond with “Are you willing to give me a massage first to help me
get in the mood?”
High drive spouses: Try offering a massage instead of initiating sex. Like I said, it sets the context which
should work with the Sexual Excitation System to get your spouse closer to being able to say “yes”.

Where did my sex drive go? 11

The dual control model of sexual arousal basically explains arousal as being a
system with two controls: the Sexual Excitation System (SES) and the Sexual
Inhibition System (SIS). These two opposing systems are constantly fighting to
control your arousal. The excitation system (SES) is fighting to get your aroused,
and the inhibition system (SIS) is fighting to keep you disinterested in sex.

Now, I think these are by design. This is how our brain decides when it’s appropriate to have sex and
when it’s not. For example, if you are in a crowed room, your SIS tells you “There are people around!” and puts
the brakes on your arousal. For some people this is more sensitive. Your SIS might put a hard stop anywhere
on the following spectrum:
• You’re in a room with people
• You are in a room without a lock
• Your kids are still awake
• Your kid’s bedroom shares a wall with yours
• There are guests in the house (who we can’t be sure are sleeping)
• The neighbours might hear us
• There are people within a 2 block radius who might suspect we’ve had sex
And it works differently for every person. I’ve heard of wives who think it’s okay if people hear so long
as you’re in a hotel, because you’ll likely never see the people who heard you. But, I’ve heard of husbands
whose SIS shuts down any sex in a hotel, because someone they don’t know might hear. It’s all very personal,
highly contextual, and if you don’t know what’s going on, very confusing.
The SES of course, works in the opposite way. Something as simple as “Oh, my spouse took a shower”
might trigger your sexual excitation system. Spontaneously getting an erection might trigger the signal “Hey, I
want sex!”
And then you get confusing signals like stress. For some people, stress triggers their SES and makes
them want more sex, for others it triggers their SIS and makes them put the brakes on arousal. It might also
change depending on the level of stress. A little stress might be fun (like being tied up), but too much stress
shuts things down.
This means there are two ways to increase your chances of getting aroused.

Where did my sex drive go? 12

 Decrease sexual inhibition system triggers
One method is to remove some of the things that are setting off your SIS.
Some triggers are simple to address, like perhaps your spouse smells and needs to take a shower. Or
their breath is bad and they need to use some mouthwash. Or perhaps you’re worried your breath is bad and
you can go brush your teeth.
Other triggers are a bit more deeply seated and may take some time to work through. Some examples
of these triggers might be body image issues, or relationship problems. Mistrust or general stress. For some,
these triggers are so deeply ingrained and so strong a trigger that the brakes are always on. For example,
dealing with bad theology regarding sex can keep the brakes on until that theology is dealt with. I mean, if you
think enjoying sex is going to send you to hell … that’s a big inhibitor.

Increase sexual excitation system triggers

The other method, of course, is to increase the SES triggers. Some of these again might be simple:
change the sheets on the bed, because new sheets feel nice. Start with a back massage because skin to skin
contact can trigger the SES (it might also help release some SES triggers).
Others need some more work and time to achieve. Trust in your spouse, for example, or feeling valued
and appreciated by them. Having good communication could be one. And some can be synthesized. You may
never be able to experience the excitement of having a new sexual partner again, but you can find ways to
bring novelty into your sex life to achieve a similar trigger.

Which should you choose?

So, do you work to turn off SIS triggers, or work to turn on SIS triggers? There’s no clear-cut answer to
that. It depends on your triggers. If you have an inhibitor system trigger that has the brakes on full, then it
doesn’t matter how many SIS triggers you manage to hit, you aren’t going to move. That said, there is a
mechanism in the brain that when we get aroused, the part of our brain that regulates some SIS triggers starts
to shut down. So, you can overcome some inhibitors by getting your partner more aroused.
On the other hand, research shows that removing SIS triggers is generally easier than increasing SES
triggers. In other words, it’s more effective to lift your foot off the brake than it is to give it more gas. But, if
their’s no pressure on the gas pedal, you can completely let go of the brake and still sit there not moving.
In short, I don’t have a simple answer for you. What I’m hoping is that you can use this information to
figure out what works best for your marriage. Have a conversation about what your spouse’s SIS and SES
triggers are. Then work to remove the SIS triggers and hit more of the SES triggers, and everyone will be
happy.

Where did my sex drive go? 13

About the author
Jay and Christina have been married for 15 years and have 5
children ages 10 and under. Jay has been blogging about
intimacy in marriage for nearly 5 years at
UncoveringIntimacy.com and has a passion for helping
people embrace biblical teachings in every day life. He and
his wife are working hard to publish books, courses,
workshops and other resources to help Christian couples in
their marriages.
For more resources to help your marriage, check out our
store, and use coupon code WHEREDIDMYSEXDRIVEGO for a
20% discount.

Where did my sex drive go? 14