The Apprentice

I agree, Martin, that Reality TV is a bit pass. The formats have been repetitive and I think that rather than becoming a bit wiser, we ve just got bored of the same format being churned out for every performing skill known to man. I also agree that The Apprentice does draw from a limited cross-section and the contestants are chosen for TV rather than their superb business acumen it s all about making a light entertainment TV programme for the masses, not a documentary on how to run a business. The show does highlight some of the worst sides of human nature, such as self-absorption, arrogance and dishonesty to save one s own back. I think that it s true that we like to see people displaying these traits getting their come-uppance and I think that this is part of the success of the programme. We also like to watch people make idiots of themselves, because it reassures us that we re not as bad as we thought we were we can nestle into that comfy sofa of smugness safe in the knowledge that we would never do something as ridiculous as they have done. Other reasons for the success of the show? Lord Sugar and his aides are good to watch: the judge and his advisors pronouncing sentence (complete with sharp witticisms) upon his hapless, snivelling subjects who thank him even when he s fired them and told them that they are not fit to tarnish the underside of his highly buffed brogue. Which was bought from a market stall in the East End, where he first worked.

A problem I have with the show is that you know pretty much what is going to happen: Intro music with shots of the contestants walking through the city and an explanation of what s happening 16 candidates, 12 tough weeks, 1 winner Previously on the Apprentice Early start, someone comes downstairs and answers the telephone. Contestants rush to get ready and all walk out at the same time to the people carriers that are waiting. Lord Sugar stands in a dominant position with his aides either side of him and spouts something of the relevance of his business experience (he worked his way up from nothing, don t you know) to the task in hand in a gruff and slightly aggressive manner. He finishes with the phrase along the lines of Remember, one of you is going to get fired . Inspirational stuff. Cut to a discussion on who will be PM. One unlucky sod claims to have less incompetence in the task than the others and gets thrust into the position because backing down now would seem like a weakness or they are deluded that they actually could do a good job. The task commences with lots of scribbling on whiteboards and management speak like USP , target market and I m the team leader, now shut up . Posturing and back-biting ensue. Nick raises his eyebrows and adds something to his shopping list.

As the show continues, you realise that it is edited to focus on the people who will be coming back into the boardroom. Many contestants flap under the pressure, running around on bizarre errands whilst the ones you would actually employ (and I m sure Lord Sugar knows who he is going to employ after the first few episodes) do well and generally look calm and collected. More raised eyebrows from Nick. Karen looks exasperated. Task finishes. Back to the waiting room outside the boardroom. In your mind you have a sweepstake about what the receptionist will say (do they still have that bit?) and then the teams enter the boardroom. Lord Sugar majestically scuttles in after the teams are seated and the contestants take on the persona of little school children in front of their headmaster. The Apprentices-to-be then repeat exactly what you ve just seen throughout the show, but in a bitchier way. Nick s eyebrows have never worked so hard. Karen berates one of the females and includes the phrases role-model and woman in business . Nick looks mildly excited at this phrase. The results are announced. One team hugs and fist-pumps, the other team s members quickly formulate spurious reasons why the weakest one of the group should be culled by the prowling predator that is Lord Sugar. The hapless PM gets asked who they will bring into the boardroom. What? They re going to bring back the two people they ve just been bitching about? Quelle surprise! Cut to the winners enjoying their victory, fake smiles directed at the people not a few hours ago they were claiming were either the offspring of Satan or too sappy to even wet themselves properly. We see the losers discussing exactly what we ve already heard, but this time it s in the setting of a caf. This must be the worst caf in London as I can t ever recall seeing anyone else in there. Mind you, I m not convinced that I would hang around if I saw that lot enter a caf I was in. Back to the boardroom. Same discussions again, but this time they are interspersed with Lord Sugar s abrupt witticisms (which are quite funny). The panicking contestants over-use the phrase I let you have your say, now please let me finish and explain why they have a proven track record and have more passion than anyone else in the world. Ever. Lord Sugar then summarises what we ve seen and heard already and points to the worst of the lot and says you re fired . Unless there s an engineer in the room and then they re fired, even if they are only fixing the under-desk-lighting in the boardroom. The fired contestant gets into a cab and whinges about why they shouldn t have been fired. We see a cab from above and then we cut to the house. The poor souls who have to endure another task then play the probability-defying game of Guess Who s Coming Through the Door . The door opens, people shriek and hug those who they said they would not wipe their own backsides with, before we are told what we will see next week. Cue the dum da dum, da dum da dee music

I think that one of the successes of the show is that it is Lord Sugar deciding on who gets through and not the voting public. I think we are getting tired of texting / phoning / going online to show our support. We watch the Apprentice, knowing that we can do nothing other than watch the whole mess unfold before our eyes. There is a lifespan for these formats. X-Factor had to be rejuvenated after 5 or 6 series, BGT is looking and feeling tired already despite the introduction of The Hoff and Michael McIntyre. Who knows what happened in the last series (series 10!) of I m A Celebrity and Big Brother has indeed been demoted to Channel 5 and long may it stay there. All these shows have passed or nearing the 7 series mark. Can even great shows continue after so long? The Apprentice has had its day. It has been brilliant TV, but I hope they can it before it looks older than Lord Sugar s beard. I don t think Nick s eyebrows will take much more