JANE THE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT GOBLIN

Written by Stephen Shoemaker

CHARACTERS:
PROFESSOR -
JANE -
EDDY (they have anxiety) -

Lights up in a classroom.

PROFESSOR
-and those are all the ways to
skin a cat. Now open your
textbooks to page 420-

EDDY bursts into class with his emotional support goblin,

JANE. She wears a leash backpack with the same kind of vest

S
as a service dog.

EDDY
Sorry I’m late professor! The line
for the Subway was crazzzy.
SM
He sits down in the back, and JANE curls up on the floor
like a dog.

PROFESSOR
Eddy, who's your friend?

EDDY
Huh? Oh this is just Jane, my
emotional support goblin.

PROFESSOR
(Pause.) What.

EDDY
Yea she’s my service animal. I
have anxiety and she helps me not
have anxiety.

PROFESSOR
She’s a goblin on a leash Eddy-

EDDY
That’s cause goblin’s are empaths
and she gets really toxic when
someone violates my safe space.

PROFESSOR
 (To JANE) Are you okay-

EDDY
Don’t talk to an emotional support
goblin at work, they get
distracted.

PROFESSOR
What is going on-

EDDY
You’re being aggressive. (Blows a
whistle.) Anxiety anxiety anxiety-

JANE Takes out loose skittles from a fanny pack and feeds
them to EDDY and gives them a back massage.

EDDY
Thanks Jane–those loose skittles

S
hit the spot and make me feel way
less anxiety. (To PROFESSOR.) But
you make me feel really anxious
and that makes me feel bad.

JANE starts to growl and bite the air.

SM
PROFESSOR
(To JANE) Hey hey, calm down. (To
the class.) Ok so turn to page 420
in your textbook, and begin work
on the quiz.

EDDY puts on a sleeping mask as JANE sits up on the floor

and begins taking the test for him.

PROFESSOR
No no no. Eddy, you have to take
the quiz-

EDDY
Jane can take it. I feel pooped
from all those loose skittles and
anxiety.

PROFESSOR
That doesn’t mean that you can-

JANE lunges for the PROFESSOR, but she jumps beyond the
length of her leash and is jolted back.

EDDY
 It’s ok Jane, I don’t feel
anxious, just disappointed in
people in power who don’t believe
in mental health.

PROFESSOR
THAT’S NOT WHAT I’M SAYING-

EDDY
OK HE’S YELLING AT ME I’M FEELING
ANXIOUS I’M ABOUT TO HAVE A PANIC
ATTACK.

JANE pulls out a knife, cuts the leash off and lunges at
the PROFESSOR. He screams and tries to run away, but JANE
bites their arm and begins stabbing them in the stomach. A
squib (a packet of fake blood) goes off and the PROFESSOR
collapses covered in his own blood.

S
JANE then walks back to EDDY and gives him a stress ball.

EDDY
Oh thank god. These make me feel
wayyy better. Thanks Jane. (They
laugh.) You know, sometimes I make
SM
myself anxious-

JANE freaks out and then stabs EDDY. She

then eats some skittles.