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HONEY HONEY

Written by Stephen Shoemaker

GREG -
SARAH -

INT - GREG AND SARAH’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Close up on SARAH dipping a knife into a honey jar,

spreading it onto a piece of toast, and then eating it in
bed.

She’s watching Winnie the Pooh—it’s the scene where Pooh's

butt gets stuck in the hole. She laughs really hard.

SARAH
(mouthful) Babe you gotta come out
and see what Pooh’s doing.

GREG
(on the toilet) wait pause it.
Hey. Pause it. Give me a
second–there’s so much on my ass.
I just keep wiping and wiping and–

Greg’s phone buzzes on the nightstand. Sarah looks at the

screen and then does a double take.

SARAH
(To herself) What the fuck? (Yells
to Greg) Greg, what the fuck is
this?

GREG
What are you talking about?

Sarah storms into the bathroom and confronts Greg while

he’s still on the toilet. She shows him his phone. The text
is from an unlisted number, and says “want me to Pooh on
your ballz tn?”

GREG
(lying) I don’t know who that is.

SARAH
(investigative) oh yea? So then
why’re they saying they're gonna
Pooh on your balls?

Greg stares at her and then shrugs.

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Greg
Wrong number? I mean, a lot of
people get their balls poohed on–

SARAH
Alright- (she storms back to the
bedroom with his phone.)

GREG
Wait–nononononono (he gets up
without pulling his pants back up
and waddles after her).

SARAH
if you wanna play games, I can
play games Greg (she places his
phone on the nightstand and pours
honey all over it).

GREG
cmon–Sarah. Why’d you have to Pooh
all over my phone?

SARAH
Why are you cheating on me?

GREG
(pause.) I’m not.

SARAH, frustrated, grabs GREG’s reading glasses and dips

them into the honey jar.

GREG
Not my glasses too-

SARAH
Why are you cheating on me-

GREG
OK. ok. (Deep breath.) Is it
cheating when it's in a loveless
marriage?

SARAH
What does that mean.

GREG
Everyday we just go around in our
little bubbles. You don’t even
wait till I’m done wiping to watch
our shows (gestures to Winnie the
Pooh on the TV).
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SARAH
So JUST because I don’t wait for
you that means there’s nothing
here?/

GREG
Your job! You can’t get away from
your work to spend anytime with
me/

SARAH
I’m an accountant Greg. Do you
know how many numbers I have to
count? It’s a lot.

GREG
I can count too you know, (starts
counting on his fingers) one, two,
three four five six seven eight.
See?
SARAH
You gotta do better than that
Greg. (Picks up the honey jar.) Or
I’m going to starting poohing all
over the place.

GREG
(Sarcastically) Aren’t you proud
of me Sarah? For how much I can
count? And oh it’s fine that you
watch Winnie the Pooh without me,
it’s not like it’s my favorite
show-

SARAH
Ok. (She points to the urn that
says “Greg’s Mom” on it and storms
over with the honey jar.)

GREG
WAIT WAIT WAIT. (Inhales.) Ok. you
want to know Sarah? You really
want know? (Tears up.) Why don’t
you pooh on my balls anymore. Huh?
You-you can pooh all over my phone
and my dead mom, but why not my
balls? A marriage without sex is
just a contract, and if i wanted
that, I would have married a
contractor. I pay prostitutes to
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dip my balls into honey because I
have no choice Sarah. No choice.

SARAH is floored by this, and sits down to gather herself.

SARAH
Why… why didn’t you tell me?

GREG
You never asked.

SARAH thinks, stands up, and faces GREG with honey in hand.

SARAH
Honey, we’re going to have to get
a divorce (GREG starts crying.)
but… (she offers the jar of honey)
one for the road?

GREG
(Whispers.) Thank you

He pulls down his underwear, and we cut to a wide of the

house, the two of them in the window crying, and the snow
falling through the sky.

THE END