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Oh Hey Look, A Chocolate Fountain

S
A One-Act by Stephen Shoemaker
SM
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SETTING: Hotel Banquet Hall

CONTEXT: Carlos’ mother’s memorial service
CHARACTERS: CLARE
TERRY
CARLOS’S FATHER
CARLOS
NOTES: A / indicates the cue for the next
speaker.
(Lights up on CLARE and TERRY sitting
together at a festive banquet hall dining
table. A buffet lines the wall behind them.
All of the dishes are covered, except for
the chocolate fountain, and a plate of
marshmallows beside it.

Clare, dressed in a very formal black dress,

holds her head in her hands; while TERRY,
wearing a polo shirt and shorts, keeps

S
looking back and forth between CLARE and the
chocolate fountain.

Offstage, CARLOS’ FATHER can be heard giving

a speech.)
SM
CARLOS' FATHER
And then she-she asked me, “Don’t let me go.”
(Starts crying.)
And I...I never did. I never let you go my candy girl. So I
helped her to her feet, and we went down the trail, and we
stopped at the creek that the guide told us about. Now we
had to get back to camp before sunset, but I knew that if I
didn’t ask for her number now I’d never have the guts to
ask it again.
So I uh I pulled aside Andrew, whose been my best friend
and by my side throughout the years.
So I pull Andrew aside, and I tell him, “Andrew, I think
I’m falling in love with her”— while we’re talking she and
Andrew’s girl at the time are looking at the leaves—”I’m in
love with this girl, what do I do?”
And he grabs me by the neck, and says, “Don’t be a puss-
-uh wussy, ask for her number.”
So I ask Andrew to make up an excuse to walk ahead with his
girl so I could be left alone with her. So he goes over
and-

After a couple minutes of the speech, TERRY

slowly gets up and begins to backup towards
the chocolate fountain.
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Now at the chocolate fountain, he quietly
sticks speared marshmallows into the
chocolate fountain.)

CARLOS
(Enters. He’s dressed appropriately. He taps
TERRY on the shoulder.)
Excuse me, sir? Please don’t use the chocolate fountain.

TERRY
Oh. But...it’s here.

CARLOS
There was a reservation mix up and they thought this was an
anniversary party. They said, “you touch it, you pay for
it.”

TERRY
Oh I didn’t-uh-should, should I put them back?

S
...How?
CARLOS

TERRY
I mean like, I’m sorry, like I could, I could put the
SM
marshmallows back with the rest.

CARLOS
What are you talking about...there’s chocolate all over
them now.

TERRY
So…

CARLOS
Just... keep them.
(Looks at TERRY’s outfit.)
Glad you got the dress code man.

TERRY
Oh I’m so sorry. Clare said that there’d be a memorial
service (oh and sorry for your loss) and then a funeral
service, so I thought that meant the memorial service would
be more casual/

CARLOS
You’re Clare’s boyfriend?

TERRY
Sorry?
(Forced laugh.)
No no no we’re, we’re just friends. Do you wanna say hello?
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(CLARE turns her head back and gives a small

wave. CARLOS waves back.)

TERRY
She seems really torn up. Which is actually why I thought
to get/ some chocolate covered marshmallows

CARLOS
Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. Just please sit back down.
Oh and let Clare know I’m happy that she came.

TERRY
Ok.

(TERRY walks back to the table and quietly

sits back down. He gently puts his arm
around CLARE’s shoulder.)

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CLARE
(Mutters.)
If you touch me I’m going to piss my pants.

TERRY
(Pause.)
SM
Oh. Oh I’m sorry I thought... I thought that you were
mourning, so then I thought, “Oh hey look, a chocolate
fountain, I remember how much Clare likes chocolate
fountains so why don’t I get her something from it,” but if
I knew that you just needed to pee, then I uh...yea.
(Pause.)
Carlos says that he’s happy you came.

CLARE
How did he say it?

TERRY
Huh?

CLARE
How did Carlos say it. Like was it genuine, or passive
aggressive/

TERRY
It was...solemn.

CLARE
Hm. Okay.

TERRY
But I gotta say, he did seem to be holding it together
pretty well. Like it was almost like “is this the guy whose
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mom just died?” because it looks like his friend Clare’s
more heartbroken than he is.
At least that’s what I thought, when I saw you with your
head down, which is why I got the, you know.

CLARE
Nope. I just really have to pee.
(Whispers.)
Two times two is four, four times four is sixteen, sixteen
times sixteen is two hundred and fifty six. Two hundred and
fifty six times times two hundred and fifty six is/

TERRY
What’s that?

CLARE
I say multiples when I have to pee.
(Tries to get back in the rhythm.)
...but now I lost it.

S
Oh. Sorry.
TERRY

CLARE
Don’t worry about it Terry, you’re a good friend for coming
SM
to support me.
(Pause.)
Ask me a question?

TERRY
Sorry?

CLARE
Ask me a question Terry. I’m going to piss myself if I
don’t get distracted so please just ask me anything.

TERRY
Oh okay. Okay um, why didn’t you get up and say hi to
Carlos?

CLARE
...ask a different question.

TERRY
Why can’t you go to the bathroom?

CLARE
Because it’s a memorial service. Because Carlos’ dad is
giving a speech and it’d be rude to leave in the middle of
it. Because Carlos would see me./ Because

TERRY
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Why does it matter if Carlos sees you?

CLARE
Because then he’d hate me for forever.

TERRY
Why?

CLARE
Because I’ve been shitty to him.

TERRY
But he said he was happy you came/

CLARE
He was just saying that Terry. He probably never wanted me
to come.
TERRY
What’d you do?

S CLARE
A different question please.

TERRY
Okay uh, how long have you known Carlos?
SM
CLARE
Since the second grade.

TERRY
And you two were close?

CLARE
Like peas in a fucking pod.

TERRY
(Pause.)
Did you two like ever date/

CLARE
What? No Terry, we did not ever date.

TERRY
No I was just asking, I thought maybe that’s why you guys
don’t talk much and then it made me feel weird that he’d
have to meet me and then maybe he thought I dressed like
this on purpose and / got snacks from the chocolate
fountain to

CLARE
Why would that make you feel weird?
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TERRY
(Pause.) No. Not weird, just, you know, uh awkward because
I’m a guy from your college that Carlos doesn’t know and I
drove down with you for the weekend, and that has some uh
implications/ about what our relationship is

CLARE
Oh Terry, I, I didn’t ask you to come down with me
because...for...aw shit.

TERRY
Wait, so what is this to you? Or like what is this going to
be?

CLARE
I mean... I don’t know.

TERRY
Well, I think that you should know, that I’m in love with

S
you/ more than Carlos ever was

CLARE
Terry-/wait wait we never dated, Terry

TERRY
SM
But you’re also my best friend, and I really wish I could
just tell my best friend about this amazing girl I know,
and/
(CLARE flicks his head.)
OW Clare. What the/ hell?

CLARE
Are you serious Terry?? This is not the time. We are at a
memorial service.

TERRY
No but/

CLARE
Sh.

TERRY
No, Clare/

CLARE
Sh sh sh. Please. Not right now, okay? Please Terry.

(Pause. TERRY plays with his marshmallows,

CLARE holds her head again, and CARLOS’
FATHER rambles on.)
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I knew Carlos’ mom was sick for a while, but with the
semester starting back up I forgot about it. This, this
wall was built between us, and I got too scared to reach
out.
Then one night I get a call from him, and I answer. He’s
sobbing and he tells me that his mom was put into an
induced coma. I rush down that night, I’m going over
ninety, and make it to the hospital a couple of hours
later. I get the room number from the nurse, I run up the
stairs and to the room, and when I see what his mom looks
like...I laughed. It was just for a second, but I know he
heard me.
It was...she looked...she looked like something not human,
which is horrible to say, and it-it surprised me. So I
laughed...and he never mentioned it but I could feel his
hate.
I can’t get up to pee because that’d be it. That’d kill our
friendship. And I can’t talk about how I feel...for
you...right now, because I don’t know how it’ll turn out. I

S
can’t lose two friends at the memorial service with a
fucking chocolate fountain.

(Pause. TERRY eats both of the marshmallows

on his plate. He then gets up and marches
towards the chocolate fountain.)
SM
CLARE
Terry. Terry no. Stop it.

TERRY
Trust me.

(TERRY begins to dip and eat marshmallows,

one after the other. CARLOS enters and walks
briskly to TERRY.)

CARLOS
Hey man I told you to/

TERRY
(Mouthful of marshmallows.)
Can I talk to you for a sec?

(CARLOS reluctantly agrees, and they move

towards the corner of the room. CLARE can
barely hold back her bladder gates. CARLOS
marches over to the table and sits down.)

CARLOS
Clare, what the fuck? You told Stay Puft over there that I
hated you? Clare, I haven’t thought about you at all
because my mom’s dead.
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CLARE
Okay I did not tell him to do that. He told me that he
loved me and/

CARLOS
What kind of rom-com bullshit is this? At a fucking
memorial service??

CLARE
That’s what I said/

CARLOS
No no no. You brought him. He’s your responsibility.

CLARE
He’s here to support me. And he’s just a business major/
Carlos

S
CARLOS
Support you? My mom is dead. If you need support then who's
supposed to support me huh?

CLARE
I am, and I am.
SM
CARLOS
Support isn’t not going to the bathroom as a sign of
“solidarity,” it’s not performative, it’s just being there
for me. In the long term.

CLARE
No but/

CARLOS
Just go pee, and tell it to stop eating the goddamn
marshmallows.
(Before CLARE gets to speak, CARLOS gets up
and leaves. CLARE slowly gets up and waddles
to TERRY.)

TERRY
(Mouth still full of marshmallows.)
How’d it go-

(CLARE slaps him.)

CLARE
Why’d you do that Terry??? I told that to you as a goddamn
secret!

TERRY
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I thought-that he/

CLARE
No you don’t think and you never listen. I told you that he
hated me and now he definitely does.

TERRY
Clare-

CLARE
I have to pee. Go outside and meet me at the car.

(CLARE leaves the room. TERRY is alone on

the stage.)

CARLOS’ FATHER
And if you would please listen for a moment, I’d like to
play her favorite song.

S
(“Sugar Sugar” by The Archies begins to
play. TERRY looks in CLARE’s direction, and
then back at the chocolate fountain. TERRY
drags his chair over next to it. He sits
down and begins to dip marshmallows in and
eat them until the stage fades to black.)
SM
THE END
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APPENDIX

Below could be one way to begin Carlos’ Father’s speech,

but let the actor have fun with it. The only important
thing to remember is that the speech should be more about
him than his dead wife.

CARLOS' FATHER
*Section 1*: And then she-she asked me, “Don’t let me go.”
(Starts crying.)
And I...I never did. I never let you go my candy girl. So I
helped her to her feet, and we went down the trail, and we
stopped at the creek that the guide told us about. Now we
had to get back to camp before sunset, but I knew that if I
didn’t ask for her number now I’d never have the guts to
ask it again.
So I uh I pulled aside Andrew, whose been my best friend
and by my side throughout the years.

S
So I pull Andrew aside, and I tell him, “Andrew, I think
I’m falling in love with her”— while we’re talking she and
Andrew’s girl at the time are looking at the leaves—”I’m in
love with this girl, what do I do?”
And he grabs me by the neck, and says, “Don’t be a puss-
(realizes that there are kids at the memorial service)
SM
-uh wussy, ask for her number.”
So I ask Andrew to make up an excuse to walk ahead with his
girl so I could be left alone with her. So he goes over
and-

Section 2: -and on our seventh date, I take her bowling.

But it turns out, it turns out that I suck big time. And
she is just so amazing, so perfect and I feel like the
luckiest guy in the world. Carlos knows how good she was.
Isn’t that right Carlos? So, on this date we bowl, and she
is way better than me. But I want to show off, so I bowl
overhand and I start to get some spares.
But it turns out that if you bowl overhand, you uh, break
your wrist. Which I did. But when I broke it I didn’t tell
her, I just used my other hand for the rest of the game.
Then when the date was over, she asked if I wanted to go
back to her place. Oh boy did I want to go, but my wrist
had started to swell up. So I said I was pretty tired,
kissed her goodnight, and drove myself to the ER.
(Pause.)
I never told her that story because I was too embarrassed.

Section 3: -right after Carlos was born, we had no idea

what we were doing, hell I even spelled his name wrong on
the birth certificate. But in hindsight, I think we raised
him right.
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The very first thing I did for him was play “Classical
Music for Babies” to help him start thinking. She always
thought it was a silly thing to do, but Carlos is still
humming those tunes! Let me see, we went to a lot of
playgrounds and pools, we went on some road trips, we went
to Disneyland...looking back on it we probably didn’t have
to do any of that since Carlos was just a baby and wouldn’t
have remembered anything.

Section 4: -man oh man did she like food! (the following

should be really stretched out. Slow and boring) Like
pizza, burritos, salads, smoothies, apples, pineapple,
Cheeze-its, strawberries, quesadillas, spaghetti, canned
tomatoes, those chex-mix bags that are orange, Papa Johns
veggie mix pizza, the bread from Macaroni Grill, the bread
from Olive Garden, the naan bread that’s from Trader Joe’s,
but funny enough, she never liked Indian food. Imagine
that.

S
*Section 5*: And if you would please listen for a moment,
I’d like to play her favorite song.
SM