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JOKES ARE NO LAUGHING MATTER
By D. M. Larson
Cast of Characters
(5 actors - male or female)
PAULY: loves to tell jokes
MOLLY: waiting for a loved one who is sick
REGINA: a sick patient in the waiting room
JOE: grumpy guy in a wheelchair or on crutches
DOCTOR: gives MOLLY some bad news
Scene
(Patients waiting in an emergency room at a hospital.
MOLLY frowns, rubs her hands together and looks down nervously,
avoiding eye contact. PAULY looks around, curious and smiling at everyone.
PAULY notices MOLLY who won’t make eye contact. PAULY moves closer
to MOLLY and MOLLY looks the other way. PAULY sits quietly and stares at MOLLY)
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(PAULY laughs at his own joke)
PAULY (cont.): And guess what the card said that his friends got him.
(PAULY laughs, and REGINA forces a smile. PAULY then follows MOLLY)
(MOLLY goes back to a chair and sits. PAULY tries to stay where
he is but finally goes back over to REGINA who is looking really ill)
REGINA: Why?
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(PAULY laughs but REGINA looks really sick and runs off stage [optional vomit sound].
PAULY turns to MOLLY)
PAULY: I wish. I love hospitals. No, I’m just waiting here like the rest of you.
I just like to tell everyone some jokes to help pass the time.
JOE: Oh.
(During the following, a DOCTOR enters and talks to MOLLY in the background.
As the DOCTOR speaks to her, she gets more and more upset)
PAULY: Hey…
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JOE: Hang on… What?
4
(JOE finally escapes. MOLLY is crying and moves downstage toward audience.
DOCTOR follows)
(MOLLY nods but can’t speak. DOCTOR exits. PAULY sees MOLLY crying.
He tries to resist going over but finally gives in. He gets a box of tissue and takes it to her)
MOLLY: Thanks.
(MOLLY blows her nose and gives the used tissue to PAULY who is a little
grossed out and takes it to the trash. He uses some rubbing alcohol on his hands.
He goes back and she takes more tissues)
PAULY: Oh… sorry about that. I have a problem. Joke disease. I can’t stop.
I wish I could be a stand up comic or something. Then maybe I could use
my powers for good instead of evil.
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PAULY: I know… so that’s why you’re crying?
MOLLY: No.
PAULY: Come sit down. I’ll get you something to drink. Water? Coffee?
(MOLLY takes more tissue and blows her nose and gives the used ones back to PAULY,
who gets a little grossed out again, takes the used tissues to the trash.
He uses more rubbing alcohol. He looks at his hands and they start to shake.
He clasps his hands together and forces a smile. He can’t move though.
MOLLY notices him. She goes over to him)
MOLLY: Sorry about the tissues. Thanks though. That was nice.
6
(PAULY turns and struggles with the smile)
PAULY: I’ve been waiting and waiting. I’m not sure how long anymore.
MOLLY: Longer than me. And I’ve been here awhile too.
PAULY: You ever love someone so much that you can’t imagine your future without them?
(MOLLY cries)
MOLLY: Yes.
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(MOLLY blows her nose)
(MOLLY gives the used tissues to PAULY who rushes to the trash and uses the rubbing
alcohol)
PAULY: You know what… there’s this quote I like… it helps me in times like this.
PAULY: No, no. Definitely not. It goes like this… “You can’t calm the story, so stop trying.
What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass.”
PAULY: I realized after so many visits here, that I can’t control it or fix it or do much to stop it.
The only thing I could do is change myself and be the one who helps others.
There are people who need us. And we need to show them how much we need them.
MOLLY: I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can come here over and over again.
I’m a terrible person to think that way. But I’m not sure I’m up for this. How do you survive?
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MOLLY: That sounds like another quote.
PAULY: It was… I may have messed it up a bit, but you get the idea.
PAULY: Thanks.
MOLLY: And you’re right. I’m here to help. Because he helps me.
PAULY: As soon as you can, you talk to him and tell him how much he means to you.
PAULY: My pleasure.
MOLLY: I’m going to see if the doctor will let me see him.
I want to be there when he wakes up. He’s going to wake up
and I want to be what he sees when he does.
(MOLLY starts to go and stops. She goes to PAULY and takes the tissue box)
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MOLLY (cont.): And when I return and I see you again, you can tell me all the jokes you want.
PAULY: Really?
(His hands are shaking. MOLLY takes his hands and holds them a moment)
(MOLLY smiles and then exits. PAULY sits, looks around. He is alone.
He takes a deep breath and looks at his hands, which aren’t shaking as much now)
PAULY: “Any fool can be happy. But it takes someone with real heart
to make beauty out of the stuff that makes us weep.”
END OF SCENE
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