Entry one

Aphindiwe

Not only was I surprised by Mihle's sudden change in action but I was also caught offguard when
Nomtha blamed me for letting Mihle leave without talking to her. Such bad luck was the story of my life
ever since I moved to the West but it was gettin worse, and I was going to die of depression.

I was laying on my bed, staring at the roof with this sharp pain on my chest every time I thought of it. I
was trying to tackle an assignment for Criminal Law but I had zero concentration. Everytime I thought of
it my heart didn't just ache but a piece of me seemed to be dying. How did you love someone so much
more when they were leaving you? How thhe fuck was that even happening to me? How did I even get
myself in that situation?

I sighed out loud, turning over to take the bottle of water which was by my side. I was alone in the
whole flat and could have cried again if I wanted but I was trying to be strong. You must be wondering
what I'm talking about, let me do another introduction.

Hello guys, my name is Aphindiwe, some broken girl who happened to sleep with her sister's boyfriend
and fell inlove with the bastard but was now losing him for good to her sister again. Yes, ulife wam
wayendinyisa. After having held a meeting kwa Mamomdala about the health of Sim, I suggested the
alternative which was the child being taken kulo Mihle for obvious reasons, he had to get better. But
that stupid suggested came back biting on me because Mihle consulted a traditional healer with regards
to his son's health, he wasn't getting any better as days passed. The traditional healer which I still hate
to this day saw a vision of an angry man who was promised a wife by the name Nomthandazo. Long
story cut short, Mihle's late father wanted Mihle to wife the lady he spoke to him of in his grave, the
lady who gave the late father a grandchild so here I was losing my man. Four months later I was laying
on my head, thinking of how Mihle was fixing up the Lobola.

I was failing to understand this whole thing, how could his ancestor drive him in the arms of the person
he didn't love? I knew that the traditional healer was a family doctor yakulo Mihle and a well trusted
one so he couldn't be lying about what he saw. Mihle was frustrated about the vision but he wasn't
hurting as much as I were because at that moment to him saving his son was the only thing.

I turned over and placed my face flat on my pillow, I was at the urge of crying once again before I was
disturbed by my phone ringing

Me: Azola

Azola: Hey Phindi, mama uthi I must ask do you have into yonxiba for next of next week? (Hey Phindi,
mama said I must ask do you something to wear for next of next week?)

Me: Hayi, I'll buy it

Azola: Kunomntu who's making the attires for us so if uzobuya namhlanje you'll take the measurements.

I closed my eyes and shook my head, I wasn't ready for this, I did not even want to go

Me: Okay

Azola: Uyebuya? (Are you coming home?)

Me: I think so ewe

Azola: Okay, see you later.

I hung up with my eyes still closed, I could feel some tears forming at the back of my eyes and I knew I
was going to break, I had been for the past month and every time we spoke of it, the news seemed new.
When a tear left my eyes I lowered my head on my palms and allowed myself to cry silently, for a very
long time until I heard voices that belonged to people who were going to snap seeing me cry. The door
was pushed open and Luthando appeared at the entrance before Kim followed her

Luthando: Baby, here's some pizza.

I didn't budge, trying to contain myself but I couldn't. You know how hard it is not to sniff when you
been crying, it's impossible so I sniffed and as I expected Kim spoke

"Are you okay?"

I shook my head attempting not to start afresh but the more I held it back the more it wanted to calm
out

Luthando: Ha.a kaloku baby hayi, hayi.

We all know once you get one pat on the back accompanied by consoling words during such a time, it's a
guarantee that you will cry, unless you're as tough as a wrestler.

I cried for the longest once again, after not having cried for almost two weeks, prior to gathering some
strength of stopping myself. Kimberley was the type who could have yelled at me because that is what
she had been doing the first two months but I think she realised how damaged I was by this thing, and
how I couldn't bitch around even if I wanted to. I wasn't her, she had an ice cube instead of a heart,
bitch was cold as fuck.

I sat up on my bed and looked at both of them, they appeared extremely worried

Me: Xolweni guys (I'm sorry)

Luthando: Haisoka, are you okay?

I shrugged my shoulders, I knew I couldn;t be in a matter f seconds

Kimberely: We need more champagne, I feel like you're going to die soon so might as well get drunk.

She got up heading to Loot's bed whereh the bottle of Louis Roederer and pizza were placed.

Me: What's going to kill me?

Kimberely: This. Look at you, you're a mess babes.

Me: I'm not bad.

Kimberely: Babes I know you're ugly but now you are worse.

I laughed, throwing her with my pillow.

Luthando: Uzobaright kodwa?

Me: I will be after kudlule la veki (I will be after that week passes)

Luthando: What's happening kula veki?

Me: Lobola negotiations

Kim chocked on the vitamin water she was drinking and literally gawked at me, I chuckled feeling the
pain return to my chest

Kimberely: So soon?

Me: Yep, its for the baby's health

I said, quoting the sentence. Luthando was looking at me with such sadness it made me pity myself as
well

Luthando: Yho. Have you guys spoken about this?

Me: Nope, I don't even know where I'll start.

Kimberely: Are you still avoiding the guy?

Me: I have to

Kimberely: No you don't. Put on you big girl boots and face him, he's gotta know how you feel.

Me: It won't change anything

Kimberely: I always knew hy'se poes (I always knew he's an ass)

There was silence and the thought of knowing they were probably silently saying shame to me froced
me to break the silence

"Can I have a slice please, I'm starving."

Loot opened the box and I removed a slice from the triple-decker like Mihle had remove a piece from
my heart. I knew I was trying to be okay but having to go home in this state worried me.

At past six in the evening I was standing at the gate looking at the big house which I did not want to
enter. There was a car outside, one which belonged to Nomtha's friend, Busi. She was a cook apparently
so I knew her being here could mean she was helping preparing the menu or she was here t
congratulate her friend. The news were still fresh, 2just a month old and the excitement was on
everyone except for myself. I started walking towards the house but stopped and looked back to see the
car entering the yard, a black G-Wagon. I could have moved trust me but I didn't know how, instead of
continuing towards the house I tried acting strong. He opened the door, stepped out and looked at me,
the car was still running. I watched him walk towards me and stop just a foot away from me, I looked up
strongly preventing myself from blinking the tears forming in my eyes

Mihle: Hey

Me: Hey

He looked at me with an expression almost mirroring mine, the difference is that he didn't want to cry
Mihle: I trie calling...

Me: I know

Mihle: Ndiyakucela Aphindiwe

He moved forward and tried touching me

Me: Mihle please

He was going to speak when his wife's laugh disturbed us

"Oh sele ulapha. (Oh you're here)"

I looked at me for about another 3 seconds before averting his sight to Nomthandazo

Nomthandazo: Hey Phindi, jonga mntase ndicela uncedise uBusi ngeza plastics (Hey Phindi, look sister
please help Busi with those plastic bags)

I faked a smile, annoyed by all this pretence. She knew there was no turning back, she had won him
over, she got what was always hers so there was no point in giving me attitude. I helped Busi with the
plastics I could carry and went into the house. Immediately when I appeared at the passage from the
door I bumped into Hlobi, a cousin of ours who was my age if not slightly olderr. She was one of the
people I knew from this side of the famiy because we kept in contact on Facebook, by contact I meant
one message every seven months just to see how the other was doing.

Hlobisa: Phindi

She gave me a side hug subsequently taking a plastic from my hand

Me: Hey babe

Hlobisa: Unjani? (How are you?)

She was one of the genuine people I knew from my dad's side of the family, the rest of them really made
me feel small

Me: I am good wena?

I didn't hear what she said after that because more than anthing I wanted to sleep and not socialise.
When we entered the kitchen Mamomdala was standing at the sink rinsing some spinach and another
woman bent at the oven holding the tray of grilled chicken. Mamomdala looked our way and smiled

"Mntanam (My child)"

Me: Molweni Mamomdala

Mamomdala: Unjani sisi?

Me: Ndiyaphila mama unjani?

Mamomdala: Kutheni ingathi unefever nje? (Why do you seem like you have fever?)

Me: Ndiright Mamdala

Mamomdala: Jonga uAzola funeke akwenzele la mix yeginger nehoney uzobaright (Look Azola has to
make you that mixture of ginger and honey you'll be alright.)

I nodded, greeting the other lady with a smile. As I turned away I heard her ask Mamomdala uba
ndingubani, I rolled my eyes thinking she was actually going to disappoint me and not ask.

I greeted who had to be greeted at the lounge and went straight to the bedroom, Azola was there busy
on a phone call, she smiled at me.

I nodded, greeting the other lady with a smile. As I turned away I heard her ashk Mamomdala uba
ndingubani, I rolled my eyes thinking she was actually going to disappoint me and not ask. I left the
kitchen, pased at the lounge and greeted whom I had to before retreating to the bedroom. Azola smiled
when she saw me walk in whilst on a phone call. The first thing I did when I got there was to find the bed
and lay face down. I was still relaxing, trying to compose myself when Azo threw herself next to me
causing me to kind of move from the mattress before landing back on it. She was grinning

Azola: Kuphunywa out ke namhlanje. (We are going out today.)

Me: Nyani? Where to?

Azola: I don't know, surprise for Nomtha apparently planned by ubhuti (I don't know, it's a surprise for
Nomtha apparently planned by Mihle)

Me: Really?

She nodded, still missing the point

Azola: So I want us to pick our best outfits, we getting drunk mfazi!

Me: I don't want to go.

Azola: Haibo ngoba?

I averted my eyes to the ladies at the door, Nomthandazo stood there giving Hlobisa some instructions

Nomthandazo: Oh and Phindi

I looked her hoping she wouldn't talk

"Yonke umntu is going to the party, it's a celebration kaloku so I want everyone there."

She walked away, her body posture carrying some supremacy. I would have cursed at her but there
were other pair of eyes watching

Hlobisa: So kengoku ithini? (What's the plan?)

Me: Ithi siyonxila and kuzonyiwa (The plan is we getting drunk and it's going to be fucked)

Azola clapped her hands and looked at me with puppy eyes

Azola: And you're doing my make-up right?

Me: Azola.
Azola: Pretty please.

Me: Fine ke, ha.a funeke ufunde please (Fine then, but you have to learn please)

She did the 360 turn and bowed for me, I smiled as drained as I looked.

Azola: now let's start picking some clothes

Me: Awuthandi unxila (You love getting drunk)

Azola: (laughs) the only way to tone down stress.

I leaned against the headaboard and watched her remove clothes from her wardrobe and throw them
on the bed. Watching her excitement suddenly made me feel like I had to live a little

Me: You know what, let's get wasted.

At the back of my head I had no intentions of making Nomthandazo's night a living hell, so I swore to
myself I was going to stay far, far away from her man.

2nd Entry

Mihle

As I stood at the window in my bedroom I tried removing the thoughts I had filling my head. I didn't
want to go to that celebration but I knew I had to because what I didn't want was people talking about
how much of a bad husband I already was to Nomthandazo. I chuckled, a bit disgusted by the term
"husband". See here's one thing you have to know about me incase you didn't pick it up along the way- I
wasn't the type that wanted marriage, I could keep someone for a long term and treat them like a wife
but I definitely didn't want to trap myself with such a title. I might have cracked jokes here and there
about getting married but that necessarily didn't mean I wanted it. And now there I was standing, about
to get married to someone I no longer loved and had to watch the one person I loved suffer from all of it
or probably get lied to by these stupid vultures.

I took a sip from the dashed whiskey I had in my glass prior to browsing my phone. I rang Nkululeko and
told him that I would be picking him and Themba up at around 6 so we'd head to the venue. I did not
even know where this thing was held but I had the location on my WhatsApp because it was the first
thing Nomtha woke me up with that morning. After having breakfast at something to 12, I drove to the
mall to purchase some groceries, since I was alone again I wasn't writing a full list of grocery, I bought
what I saw was short. During that shopping a lot was going through my mind, and that lot was about my
wedding and Aphindiwe. The frustration of wanting to call her but knowing that her number didn't go
through because I was blacklisted had me going nut crazy, I kept her number on my phone and
continued trying it every second day. It was the third month since I spoke to her. Every time I went to
Nomthandazo's home to see Simi, who was still sick but recovering, I hoped I'd see her, there were days
when I did and many which I didn't because she was at school or stuck in the bedroom with Azola.

A part of me wanted her to be there tonight but every time that thought crossed my mind, my heart
stopped beating. I wasn't the type to see things but I knew when something wasn't going to go right and
tonight was one of them. I wanted to stay away but the reason I gave you guys forced me to get my shit
together and attend that celebration.

Later on I embarked on the journey to Khayelitsha to pick up Themba and Nkululeko. They walked out of
the yard carrying a cooler box, I trusted them to get invited to a place and bring their own booze. It was
a thing we did as a group, most times we'd even start eTshisa Nyama kuqala so we get some bites
before heading to wherever we were going, we did such things in case they'd be disappointments.

Nkululeko: All roads led to?

Me: Uyakhumsha ngoku? (You speak English now?)

Themba: Akana choice, uphethe colored Maluku ngoku (He has no choice, he's got a colored now.)

I looked at Themba from the rare mirror and cracked whilst averting my gaze from him to Nkululeko
who was seated on the passenger seat

"Uzokwazi? (Will you be able to?)

Nkululeko: Uthini? (To do what?)

I was still trying to control my laughs

Me: Upraata kaloku nkwana (to speak Afrikaans boy)

Nkululeko: Yhe bhuda as long as ndithola lento ndiyele pha kuye enye nenye must wait.

Me: Noba uthe jy's n hond my liefie, awunangxaki yalonto wena ntwana, as long as you deeping.

Nkululeko: (Laughs) andiyifuni lento yokhumsha oko mna. (I don't want this thing of always speaking
English)

Themba: Ebesele edikwe kwayizolo, wathi uliqa imeeting (He was tired yesterday already, he ended up
saying he's going a meeting he's rushing to.)

Me: Awurhaleli uya back to school ntwana, I'll pay back the fees.

Nkululeko: Uyandinyela.

We arrived at Hussar Grill and Themba was thrilled about the venue picked whilst Nklululeko could only
complain about the alcohol which he bought which was now left in the car

Me: Sizobuthenga apha ntwana (We'll buy the booze here boy).

As we walked through the entrance a waitress approached grinning

"Can I get you gentlemen a table?"

Me: We are here actually for a celebration, there was a reservation made.

Waitress: Oh, there are two reservations, one is a birthday party and the other is a engagement
celebration. So I am assuming it's the engagement you're talking about

Me: Precisely
Waitress: Follow me then

Themba: Kutyiwa eziway apha? (Is this what they eat here?)

Me: Andiboni kwa Nyama (I don't see any meat).

Themba: Ngesiqale kwinyama kodwa boys (We should have started with the meat though boys).

I chuckled, throwing my arm over his neck, his pain at that moment was exactly mine. Nkululeko kept
mumbling some bullshit every time he threw an eye at some plate as we passed the occupied tables.
The waitress pointed the table for us and I was amused to see we were the only ones left, in fact there
was only two unoccupied chairs. Nomthandazo smiled immediately when she saw me, removing herself
from where she was seated. There were cheers and claps from the ladies occupying the table, I
presumed those were for me because I heard words like "the groom is here", "finally he's here". I
scanned the table and subconsciously stopped breathing when I spotted Aphindiwe. Our eyes locked
prior to her throwing a gaze at the lady who was approaching me, she did that until Nomtha's lips met
mine, I could still feel her eyes on us as I accepted the kiss

Nomthandazo: Nilate sana (You guys are late)

Me: African time. Please request an extra chair

She nodded, moving away from me. I passed a glance again where Phindi was sitting before making way
to the vacant chair which was opposite hers. I almost cursed when I noticed that Phindi and I were on
the same row, meaning I couldn't even still a glance without getting caught. Nkululeko was sitting
opposite me and the ladies moved creating space for Themba's chair. North returned to her seat and
looked at me

"We already ordered some champagnes kethina seeing that you guys were taking forever to come."

Me: We'll order drinks then.

She stood on her feet and cleared her throat.

Nomthandazo: Attention guys, xolweni bethink I want to make an announcement now that siphelele
(we are all here). I want to thank you guys for coming, mhm and ke all thanks to my fiancé ngoba he's
the one who secured the budget. With that being said, we can start ordering.

Whilst she was talking I leaned on my chair and without making it obvious I looked on Aphindiwe's
direction. Her head was looking straight ahead of her while other people were listening attentively to
Nomthandazo. Her and I seemed to be the only ones who weren't present there spiritually. She was two
people away, those people being the sisters of my bride to be, making her completely out of reach. t up
and sighed, almost hearing my heart hammer from my chest

Someone from the group shouted

"Haibo akho nespeech? (There's not even a speech?)"

Sivuyisiwe: She will make ispeech bethuna after sityile.

We started placing orders for drinks and foods. The state I was in forced me to consume alcohol, maybe
way too much before the food came

Nomthandazo: Uright Fhaku?

Me: yep, why?

Nomthandazo: Ingathi unestress, it's been a while since I've seen you drink this much.

Me: It's only 3 glasses

Nomthandazo: Asikatyi notya (We haven't even ate)

I looked at her before pushing my chair backwards, she held my forearm

Nomthandazo: Uyaphi? (Where you going?)

Me: In the car, I'm going to fetch something.

She released my arm. It came to my awareness that many pairs of eyes were looking at me as I walked
out but I couldn't care much, I wanted some air. I stood outside, trying to gather my mind before I could
step back inside there but I couldn't, being that close to her tempted me to at least call her name or
poke her. I was still having my moment when my phone vibrated against my hand, I looked at it and
closed my eyes from frustration as I answered

"Ndiyeza (I'm coming)"

Nomthandazo: Please babe, your food's here.

Me: okay

Instantly after ending the call I marched back inside. I fighting the temptation of looking her way bur
because I'm weak I ended up doing it anyway. I stopped on my tracks and watched her bite her lips as
her fingers danced on the screen off her phone. I knew that smile, I Goddamn knew what was said that
would cause her to smile that way. I cleared my throat a little too loud, getting everybody's attention as
well as hers. I addressed them as I walked to my chair

Me: So I was thinking we all stop using our phones. In fact nicely ubize la basket sizofaka phones Seth
kuyo. Any phone that goes off first, the owner takes a double shot, every time the phone goes off.

A lot of people seemed to like it while Aphindiwe, Azo and another lady looked at me like I was crazy.

Sivuyisiwe: That's a good idea. And kaloku we are trying to know each other apha before the weeding so
I like it.

Me: I will pay for the shots, I don't mind.

I stole a glance at her and watched her laugh at something Asisipho was saying, she shook her head then
turned it to my direction only to find me looking at her, her smile disappeared, not immediately but
shortly after she looked at me.

Like I had promised, everyone whose phone rang took a shot picked by the group. Other ended up
asking to switch off their data because we even counted the WhatsApp notifications
Aphindiwe: But this game is unfair. I have WhatsApp, Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat and they all are sennd
me notifications even when it isn't a direct message.

Azola: Nam

Sivuyisiwe: Sela ntombi (drink girl)

She took her 4th shot and buried her face in her arms, shaking her head

Aphindiwe: Andizophinda (I won't do it again)

Me: Then you are challenging me kulonto

Aphindiwe: Ha.a but unfair nyani le game

She pulled a sulking face, the one which always had me kiss her every time after she did it. I was still
looking her way when Nomthandazo held my hand and squeezed it, I turned my head

Nomthandazo: Must I talk or you will?

Me: Talk?

I was asking, still a little dumbfounded because of what just happened. She planted a kiss on my chin
and stood up confidently

Nomthandazo: Guys before we get drunk because apparently sihamba xa kuvulwa apha, I want to make
an announcement again.

Soft laughs came from the group, she continued

Nomthandazo: I want to thank my handsome husband to be for always finding his way back to me,
against all odds and everything that we been through Fhaku we found each other again. Imimoya
emdaka ayiphumelelanga Tatomntanam and it's all becuase we never stopped loving and believing in
each other.

Nkululeko had his eyes on me, pulling faces and almost appearing like he'd laugh at anytime, I was
waiting for me to do something stupid

Nomthandazo: And to you friends and family, I want to thank you guys kakhulu, nindibona ndihappy nje,
this is just the beginning of my happiness. I love you guys.

After the speech people got up to give hugs, some passed those apha kum. Aphndiwe did not move
from her chair instead she was on a phone call trying to hear what the other person was saying

Nomthandazo: Okay, now before we get drunk let me tell you my list of bridesmaids and my matron of
honor. (silence) Sivu mantas, without no doubt could you please be my matron of honor

Sivuyisiwe: Anytime mntasekhaya

She blew kisses to Nomtha

"Then Buhle, Azola and Asisipho please accept my offer of being my bridesmaids."
Azola screamed first, getting up from her chair to hug her sister. I was actually happy that Aphindiwe
wasn't part of the list because I wouldn't want her to receive such torture.

Nomthandazo: Mntuwam, when you have picked your groomsmen you will send me the pictures so I
can show my ladies bazokwazi ukhetha oobhutiza(so they can pick the guys)

Me: Will do.

She mouthed I love you looking down at me before continuing to address the crowd.

We sat there having our drinks and others more dessert when I leaned back and noticed how anxious
Aphindiwe was. I had picked up from every look I gave her how uneasy she had been since that phone
call and I was getting curious. About 15 minutes after my last peek at her she stood up, whispering
something in Azo's ear. She had me when she took her handbag.

The first thing I did was to look at my wristwatch, the time was approaching nine in the evening. I shifted
in my seat and watched her answer Sivu about where she was going

"Ndizobuya wethu (I'll be back man)" was how casual she made her excuse. I counted precisely 20
seconds after she walked out of that door prior to getting up and rushing towards the door, pretending
to be on a phone call.

I spotted her as she about to open the front door of the GTI

Me: Aphindiwe!

She turned and looked at me, a little confused and more shocked

Me: Uyaphi?

I questioned approaching the car.

She only stared it me in awe. I was about three steps close to her when I asked her again

Me: Uyaphi? (Where are you going?)

Aphindiwe: Out.

I shook my head holding her handbag, she pulled it back. The driver's door opened and a guy stepped
out, I took in a familiar face. The bastard stopped and looked at me, appearing a little brave this time
around. I slowly passed my gaze from him to her and she looked extremely annoyed

Aphindiwe: You not about to do this.

Me: You still fucking him?

The guy moved around the car and she lifted her hand

"Odwa don't."

Me: I asked you a question Aphindiwe.

Aphindiwe: I don't owe you anything Mihle. Masambe Odwa (Let's go Odwa)
She stepped into the car and without thinking I grabbed hold of her arm and roughly pulled her out of
the car, simultaneously this niggur was holding my shoulder moving me away from her. He threw a
punch, a good one I must admit, and I threw mine, using my weight to my advantage. I held him with his
t-shirt against the back door of his vehicle but that wasn't long before he pulled out a gun and pointed it
at me. Now here's what annoyed me - my weapon was in the car. I watched him straight into the eyes
and could tell her wasn't going to shoot, he never killed a soul before. There were screams from white
women, ladies and babies, and we all knew this gun shit was a bad idea because violence and white
people wireline oil and water.

He extended his hand to hold Aphindiwe and I took a step, preventing him from touching her. He corked
the gun, getting me even more angry. I chuckled when I heard Nku's voice, he was surprised as fuck

Nomthandazo: Mihle! Mihle!

She was screaming my name, her pleads evident in her voice. The third scream was cracky, telling even a
fool that she was about to cry.

Aphindiwe placed her handbag in the car and when she was about to step in I took two steps forward
trying to hold her again

Odwa: I will blow your head.

Aphindiwe: Odwa masihambe!

He withdrew the gun and stared at me one last time. I looked at Aphindiwe as she stared back at me
with teary eyes, she pulled the door attempting to close it but my hand stopped it. She whispered

"Please stop it, everybody's looking. Just let me go Mihle please."

I gritted my teeth, not thinking about the people who were probably watching the scene.

Me: We not done here.

I released the door subsequently releasing a scream which was more of a cry. Seeing her walk away
from me wasn't what affected me, it was knowing they were still fucking even that very moment I was
fighting for us.

I was being tested, and I forever failed dismally when I was expected to act calm; something I wasn't.

Third Entry-

Aphindiwe’s POV

I kept glancing at Odwa who seemed very much aggravated on my right. I mean he might have felt like
Mihle abashed him and I was somewhat sulking because he threatened Mihle but I was more concerned
for his safety more than anything. I was the one who had the right to be annoyed by him, ndaske
ndavelelwa. I was still shaking at that very moment and couldn’t stop checking out the mirror on my left
to see if Mihle wasn’t following us. I stole another quick look at Odwa and rolled my eyes when I figured
he was still pissed
“Yintoni? (What is it?)”

Me: Nothing

Odwa: Then khayeke undiba (Then stop glancing at me)

I fidgeted with my weave trying to bite my tongue but I couldn’t, I had to let him know what I thought
exactly

Me: You know pulling out your gun at him was a bad idea now

Odwa: Now I know thanks

I sensed some sarcasm in his response. I chuckled, getting worked up by that negative energy

Me: I am only trying to help so giving me that type of attitude won’t take us anywhere

Odwa: Help me from what exactly huh? From humiliating your boyfriend

Me: He is not my boyfriend.

Odwa: Yintoni? (What is he?)

I kept quiet, unable to give him a straight answer to that. I wasn’t sure if he was my ex but he was
definitely not my boyfriend

Odwa: I thought as much. Jonga Aphindiwe what won’t happen is me being pointed by a gun or
threatened by that (silence)…

He sighed, gripping tight on his starring wheel

“Jonga I don’t think I wanna do this anymore. Andizothi qho xa ndifuna ubonana nawe kubekho that
guy, then I have to stand back and watch you defend me ngongathi him and I want you for different
reasons.

Me: But there’s nothing going on between Mihle and myself. Well not something that I know off

Odwa: Clearly you think that but what I saw back there means something else.

I turned on my seat and faced the front, I was angry at both of them but at Mihle the most because no
matter how hard I tried moving on it was clear he’d prevent that from happening whilst he was diving in
Nomtha every chance he got. After a short while of silence, he addressed

Odwa: Do I take you back or drop you off at your place?

I opened my mouth slightly, I wanted to protest but figured it wouldn’t change the situation. I promise
you I looked dumbfounded because I didn’t know him saying he can’t do this anymore meant we
couldn’t even chill

Me: Drop me off at my place

He looked at me and sighed

Odwa: I don’t mean to be poes but andizokwazi nyani (but I won’t be able to)
I nodded, feeling a bit disappointed. There was silence in the car until we arrived at the flats where I
resided. We bid goodbyes as I exited the car, the July cold winds meeting my skin. I rolled my eyes when
I saw who was on duty that night; the old man who no longer greeted me nor had interest in my being. I
presumed he thought I was too busy for my age because the day Mihle and Andrew pulled guns at each
other right in front of the gate he was on duty and watched the whole scene unfold. He might have
drawn his conclusion that two men I was fucking were now fighting over me, and it wasn’t long ‘til I
started getting drop off by O. I passed with a straight face and smiled when I actually thought of how he
probably shook his head every time after I’ve passed. Poor old man.

I ascended the staircase praying that I’d be alone in the flat, I was no more mood of faking chats and
smiles. I needed to think because I somehow knew tomorrow when I got back to Bellville I would have a
lot of explaining to do. Luckily, I walked into a dark apartment and without even hesitating I made way
to my bedroom and prepared for a shower. I was forced to use my old, shabby towel but at least it was
of use this time. You can imagine my struggle, if I wasn’t opening my new shower gel then I was using
Vaseline to moisturize. After the shower, I forced myself to sleep but I couldn’t stop thinking of how
much trouble my return would get me in.

I woke up the following yarning to sleep some more. I was hoping the morning wouldn’t come. To be
quite frank with you, Nomtha was the least of my worries. I was sick worried about Mihle to extent that
every time I kept thinking of him my heart skipped a beat, I knew shit wasn’t going to end well between
us and I was hoping he didn’t drag O back into it again. He did tell me it wasn’t over right before I left,
and I knew he was a man of his words.

After forcing myself to get ready for the day I took public transport that would drove me off in the mall
at Bellville, then from there I would catch a cab. I kept hoping Mihle wasn’t there just to be on the safe
side, dealing Nomthandazo was enough for the day. I arrived slightly after half past 2 and was relieved
when I didn’t see the sight of his car.

Welcoming me into the house was Asisipho who was seated at the lounge with Azola

Me: Molweni

Asisipho: Awuphole girlfriend

Me: The weather allows me, did you even step outside uve kunjani?

She shook her head, taking me from head to toe

Azola: How are you, how was your night?

I rolled my eyes, continuing down the passage to my bedroom. They followed after me and shut the
door, positioning themselves on the bed, Azo wouldn’t stop grinning

“Hayi khathethe (No speak)”

Me: Nothing happened, instead I was dropped at my place.

Azola: Haibo njani? (Oh no, how?)

Me: The shandis yayizolo

I thought I was speaking in terms so Asisipho wouldn’t know but when she burst out asking me what she
asked me I knew she heard

Me: No I ndandingajoli naye (No I wasn’t dating him)

Asispho: Okay, wait. Who took who from who?

I sighed, throwing myself besides Azo. I didn’t want to start talking about all the horrible things I did to
Nomthandazo and be seen as the ass again because Mihle was always saint. Azola kept looking at me, as
though telling me it wasn’t her place to speak

Me: Shit happened, but unfortunately it didn’t end well.

Asisipho: Shit between you and Mihle?

I nodded meanwhile she cleared her throat. She looked at Azola then back at me prior to smiling

Asisipho: Okay I see le topic is bringing a weird vibe and I don’t like weird vibes so let’s drop it.

I half-smiled trying not to show my happiness when she said that.

Azola: Want to know how things went after uhambile?

I shook my head

“I rather not.”

She smiled at me, looking at Asisipho.

Azola: Khange nindifundisa how to do eyebrows ke ladies? (Okay teach me how to do eyebrows then
ladies?)

Asisipho and I groaned simultaneously while she laughed, getting my make-up case from the wardrobe.

After what seemed a good whole day spent in that bedroom Sivuyisiwe appeared at the door, she took
in the room which was a bit of a mess because of Azola who was throwing wet wipes all over the place,
trying to perfect her eyebrows even after we told her she wouldn’t manage to learn in one. She kept
saying she wanted to see she was getting there at least

Sivuyisiwe: Yooh ha.a mntase, wayeke, you not the drawing type.

Me: Hayi Sivu (No Sivu)

Azola: Awungcole shame (You are so evil shame)

She giggled, batting her eyelashes.

“Supper’s ready!” she shouted shutting the door. Then again I had this feeling that he was in the house
just as we were about to leave the room. I was proved wrong when we arrived in the lounge and it was
as lonely as we left it. Figuring I left my phone in the bedroom, I turned on my heels to go get it but stop
in my tracks when the main door opened and his voice was the first thing I heard with Simi laughing, I
cursed literally sprinting to the room. It took me like forever to return to the lounge and when I did his
eyes landed on mine, he looked calm but at the back of my mind I knew it was an act. I went straight to
where Asisipho was seated at the table far away from him and got busy with my phone, I wanted
nothing to do with him at this moment because even the slightest eye contact would ruin this dinner.

We said the Grace and began feasting. I was actually surprised Nomtha wasn’t giving me any attitude, I
mean she wasn’t scared of eyes, she could have done it if she wanted but she didn’t. We had small talks
here and there while Mihle was having his supper with his son on his lap, and every now and then I
would find him stealing a glance my way and that was because I looked his way too but not making it
obvious to the others in the room. I hated yet loved how his cologne filled the room, even the ladies
besides me it still managed to find my nostrils. He left that day without giving me any signs of still being
angry but a part of me knew he was just doing it because we had an audience.

The following week I attended my classes travelling from the flat because Monday I went back. On
Thursday, I went straight to the mall after my classes to buy some girl stuff I needed as well as snack. I
took a taxi back to the flat and didn’t even notice the black G-Wagon which was parked outside the gate
until I got off the taxi. I could’ve stopped the taxi and told the drive this was the wrong stop but I had to
run after it because it was already at the robots when I saw the car I didn’t want to see at that moment.
Even that McFlurry I was enjoying suddenly became bitter. I knew he was looking at me through those
tinted windows because I could feel his eyes on me. I stood there, looking straight at the car,
absentmindedly filling my mouth with the spoons of Oero McFlurry. I’m assuming he noticed I wasn’t
going to move because he ended up stepping out, looking handsome as fuck.

Mihle: Uyathanda udlala nhe? (You love playing hey)

He said when I threw the ice cream on the ground, picking up the plastic bags to leave. He seemed
collected, watching me struggle with the plastics. I was going to have to walk pass him anyway so there
was no need to rush. He pushed his hands in his pocket and watched me

Me: I don’t want to talk.

Mihle: Then we won’t, masambe (let’s go)

He turned around and headed for the car. I really don’t know what was it about him that made him
think I’d follow, man the guy really trusted his intimidation. I think he noticed I wasn’t following when he
stopped walking and looked back at me, he groaned, turning around. He grabbed three plastic bags,
leaving one behind.

Me: Siyaphi? (Where are we going?)

Mihle: Emotweni! (In the car!)

I groaned, pulling a face at him. I knew he was lying to me because if we were really going to the car,
he’d tell me to go drop the bags first because I knew he trusted me with following every instruction he
gave me.

I entered the car and almost smiled at how I missed the comfort but I remembered the environment,
this was no time to smile because I was in shit. He fastened his seatbelt not even looking at me

Me: Where you taking me?

Mihle: You have never been this worried about where we going.
He finally looked at me after turning the key in the ignition. I shrugged my shoulders, not knowing how
to explain my sudden worry. Maybe its because I know you aren’t okay with what happened Saturday
duh. I was eager to say that. I copied his actions and fastened my seatbelt. I wished we could stay that
silent until we arrived wherever we were going, which I knew had to be Belmar but he had to be a party
popper and ask a question which chocked me and had me wish I had never allowed myself in that car

“So tell me about your boyfriend baby.”

From the way he tensed up, his grip on the steering wheel, how he kept gritting his teeth and the well so
known vein which was starting to appear on his forehead, I knew hell was about to break loose.

FORTH ENTRY-

Nomthandazo’s POV

After the incident between Aphindiwe and Mihle, I had doubts. I knew I loved him, no second guessing it
but when I questioned him about what seemed to be a quarrel between him and a guy I knew not off,
and instead of answering me he told me to back off, I finally got the picture that things weren’t the
same. He literally looked me in the eyes and dared me to call, harass or attack Aphindiwe on any
grounds. And that happened when he wouldn’t answer me so confidently I yelled

“Then I’ll have to ask your mistress.” My mouth hung opened for almost what seemed like a whole five
minutes as I was astounded, not knowing how to answer him. See when you know your man, you know
him, and I knew very well that the look he gave me he wasn’t playing, he was dead serious. I wanted to
speak but I seemed to have caught my tongue from shock. And now here I was sitting at work, filling like
a bag of cement has been pleased on my chest preventing me to breath as I felt tears threatening to
leave my eyes.

I couldn’t cry, I never did and was rather a big girl to let this whole mess get to me the way it did. I
sighed, getting up to head to the bathroom, I was in need of some air. When I got there I closed the
toilet door, found myself on top of the toilet seat after having closed the lid. I pleased my hands over my
mouth, mentally begging myself not to cry. I sat there for a short while before I felt the lump ease a bit, I
inhaled and exhaled way too many times I lost count prior to stepping in front of the mirror. I chuckled,
seeing that my eyes were still teary. I couldn’t cry because if I did, I’d have to walk back in the office to
get my make-up bag and that would mean giving an idea to my colleagues that something terrible was
happening in my life. I couldn’t do that, I lived like Bonang; no one could see my tears, I wanted the
whole world to witness my happiness even on times like these.

I made way to my table and took my phone, calling the man who was causing me all this pain.
Fortunately, he answered

“Nomthandazo?”

Me: Hey, uright? (Hey, are you okay?)

Mihle: I am ewe, wena? (I am yes, yourself?)

I hesitated before nodding my head, lying to him

Me: Ndiright. Bendikucinga, wanted to know if you can come by nanamhlanje for supper? (I am alright. I
was thinking about you, wanted to know if you can come by today as well for supper?)

Mihle: Ha.a, I can’t today, I’ve got some work to do.

Me: Okay.

There was silence, the only sounds being his breath on the speaker and my heartbeat

Mihle: Anything else?

Me: No

Mihle: Sure

He ended the call and I removed my phone from the ear, I sighed, laying my head on my table next to
the keyboard. A lot was going through, and more than anything I just didn’t want to lose him to
someone like her. Not that I was undermining my sister, no, but the sickness that grew in my stomach
every time I thought of him sleeping with her made me want to puke. Maybe had she been someone
else I could have made peace with it, but the mere fact that she was a relative and was sleeping with
what was supposedly mine, made me want to fight more.

Maybe I had to go about it the other way, no more miss church lady and in the way I thought, I was
bound to abandon my morals and the way I was raised.

Mihle’s POV

The term boyfriend sounded bitter as I spoke it. If I’m not mistaken she stopped breathing right after I
asked her that, I was watching her with the corner of my eye whilst quarter of my concentration was on
the road ahead of us. She kept quiet, angering me even more. I clenched my jaws, trying damn to keep
my hands on the steering wheel because God damn I wanted to grab her arm so tightly and bring back
some into her

Me: Ndithetha nawe Aphindiwe (I’m talking to you Aphindiwe)

Aphindiwe: He isn’t my boyfriend

She whispered, causing me to avert my eyes from the road and look her, she accepted my strong gaze
and gave me hers in return. I slowed down the car, finding a gravel spot to park the car just next to the
road. Containing myself I looked at her, again

“Then what is he?”

Aphindiwe: A friend

Me: Look at me xa ndithetha nawe (Look at me when I’m talking to you)

She looked at me and I found myself almost betraying my temper because of the way she looked. If it
was any other day where she didn’t answer my call, or return a text then the look on her face would’ve
eased the anger I was feeling, but pity it was, this involved another man and not even a damn
explanation could make things.
“iChommie? (A friend?)”

I chuckled about three times before those chuckles turned into a laugh, not one of humour of course but
one which contained pain and fuckery. She looked scared but little did she know I was far from the type
of anger she thought I was undergoing, I wasn’t going to touch her. She finally nodded when she saw my
eyes weren’t leaving hers. I leaned forward, leaning towards her, I don’t know why I felt like the closer I
was to her, the better I’d understand that situation

Me: So your fri.e.nd pulls out guns for you defending you kwi boyfriend yakho? That’s what friend do
nowadays huh?

She knotted her brows, before swallowing hard

Me: I like this friend of yours

I said with a smile on my face. She looked dumbfounded but not for too long because her smart ass
quickly realised where I was going with that compliment

Me: I am thinking we should invite him for supper, tonight. Ndifuna umazi, and I’m quite curious as to
how he moved from receiving a blowjob to being friendzoned.

I moved backwards, positioning myself on my seat

Me: I think I like this guy.

I turned the key in the ignition, giving life to the engine of my big machine.

“Mihle please.”

She whispered, again. I looked at her with a straight and took in her suddenly frighten look

Me: Call him

Aphindiwe: Ndiyakucela toro, you did this before

Her voice was trembling, lingering between fear and a cry

Me: Fucken call him!

Unlike any other girl I know who would have jumped to that expression, she froze. She was still scared
but nothing told her to go into her bag and pull out her phone, she just stared at me. Feeling like I was
being guilt-trapped I took my phone from where it was placed and dialed Nkululeko’s number, the rings
echoed in the car as I found way back into the trafficked road

Nkululeko: Ntwana ntwana (Boy, boy)

Me: Boy, ndine gaw’la epozin namhlanje (Boy, I have supper today at my place)

Nkululeko: Gaw’la, and then celebrateni?

Me: Ya, and kuneSfebe isthile esizayo, ufuna uqajisha?

Nku might have read into my tone because he immediately sighed, aware that I wasn’t talking about the
other bitch
Nkululeko: (chuckles) Ndimamele kuphuma inja apha kuwe ngoku. Ngubani onyathele iscorns? (I hear
the dog out of you has unleashed now. Who stamped on your scorns?)

Me: 7 edladleni, uzoyazi (7 at my place, you’ll know.)

He laughed, sounding excited abouth this. I ended the call prior to my eyes returning to Aphindiwe who
held her phone tightly in her hand, appearing like she was about to cry for the heavens or jump out of
my car.

Me: Call your friend baby, I’ll cook.

I said, squeezing her thigh. Our drive was silent, tension filled the air causing the both of us to pull
unpleasant expressions. I was fucken pissed while she looked like she wanted to cry but somehow
couldn’t find the tears.

As promised, when we got my place I prepared the pots. I was only doing that because I was preventing
myself from doing anything else, like questioning her. She did end up calling the guy, but he cut the call
short saying he wasn’t going to sit foot at my place ever again but sadly he didn’t know he was. After
their interrupted call I took his numbers and sent them to Themba, instructing him to locate the number
so him and Nkululeko would go fetch the bastard. That was another reason to get me exasperated, I
mean he could have just came so we can talk as men but he had to run like coward now because he
wasn’t riding my girl. She was in the lounge, still haven’t said a word. With the dishcloth thrown on my
shoulder, I approached her and squatted in front of her legs

“Mambhele.”

She looked at me, her eyes carrying trepidation I sort of didn’t like. I wanted none of this to affect her, it
was the guy she was seeing I wanted to set straight.

Me: Talk to me

She shook her head, removing my hands from her lap. I straightened my body and watched her get up,
stepping away from me

Aphindiwe: I only did this because uyatshata Mihle, I wasn’t seeing him all this other time.

Me: You are lying. I know you Aphindiwe, and uyaxoka.

She shook her head with every word that left my mouth

Aphindiwe: I promise you Fhaku. I swear on…

Then we were interrupted by the knock on the door, she looked at me then at the door before looking
back at me again

Mihle: We have to finish this.

I walked to the door and was welcomed by Nkululeko and the Odwa guy, he looked like he could kill me
if he had the chance, but at least he was behaving and not causing any drama. I greeted Nku then
stepped aside for them to walk in. And suddenly I was full.
I was halfway through with the bottle of Whiskey I was devouring for almost two hours now but when I
knew I had the both of them in my lounge, the half I had was just like a shot which I finished in a couple
of minutes. They were sitting next to each other, opposite me as I had requested they do and the image
of him touching her was the only thing running through my mind. Nkululeko was sitting at the table,
busy on his phone and laptop. Aphindiwe kept glancing my way with pleading eyes but I wasn’t buying
it, I wanted to know what I wanted to know

Me: So masithetheni, kwenzekani? (So let’s talk, what’s happening?)

Odwa: Ngantoni? (About what?)

Me: Leyoba uyandityela (That one that you’re sleeping with my girl)

He flared his nostrils looking at her, she had her head down, staring at her hands

Me: Yeyi ndithetha nawe, yeka uAphindiwe (Hey, I’m talking to you, leave Aphindiwe)

He stared back at me and sighed, fixing his position

“Ebethe kum nohlukene (She said to me y’all broke up)”

I laughed, actually shocked by that statement

Me: What?! Nyani baby, so mna nawe sohlukana ndingayazi lonto (What?! For real baby, so you and I
broke up without my knowledge)

I leaned back, holding my glass which had raw Hennessey. I watched them again, for a long two minutes
prior to leaning forward placing my glass on the table, rubbing my hands together I asked the question
which would change this whole topic

Me: So wayekuxelelaphi lento? (So where was she telling you this?)

They each passed a quick look at each other before looking at me, she looked at him again and I
analysed every single muscle of her body, there was something about the question I asked.

Odwa: Kwam

Me: Phi?

He kept quiet, his eyes boring into mine. I mentally counted up to ten seconds before picking up the
glass and downing what it contained. Their silence gave me the answer. I averted my attention to my
friend who seemed to be taking in the whole scene every five minutes before finding himself busy with
the laptop again or the plate in front of him. He was the only one eating because I presumed none of us
at the lounge area were in the space of chowing

Me: Nkululeko?

He raised a single brow, lowering the screen of his laptop

Me: Uy’phethe ichalk? (You have the chalk?)

The disturbance his face mirrored had me roll my eyes, I knew exactly what was coming after that
Nkululeko: Ntwana, uneminyaka mithathu ungasiy’thathi leway (Boy, you have three not consuming this
thing?)

He said, making his way to me

Me: Ndiyayazi (I know)

Nkululeko: Usure.

The look I gave him was enough to have him surrender, leading himself to the door. Aphindiwe had her
small eyes wide open, she was a smart child, I knew she understood what I wanted. And as for her
boyfriend next to her, he looked bored, like he was expecting this to happen. Nkululeko walked in
holding 2 white pills in his hand, he was hesitant but finally dropped them on my palm. Filling the glass
again, I chucked them down using the whiskey as water. To allow them to be a use to my body I decided
I was going to dish up just to pass time, by the time we were done eating I’d be good.

I could have enjoyed my well-cooked food if it wasn’t for the image in front of me but with every bite I
took of the deliciously cooked steak, I couldn’t help but retch at the sight in front of me. None of them
touched their plates and I couldn’t careless really. My food ran cold because my eating pace wasn’t the
usual, I took my time with this meal, passing my eyes every now and then at the woman I loved so
dearly. When the steak oil had run dry I placed the plate on the table and went back to business

“So seeing that nityene, did you enjoy him?”

Her eyes were teary as she stared at me through a vision so blurry. She blinked, releasing them

Me: Huh Aphindiwe?

She shook her head, making the guy next to her chuckle

Me: And then?

He shook his head with a smirk on his face, looking at Phindi unbelievably

Odwa: Ingxaki that’s not what she told me.

I watched her attentively as he spoke, she threw him a warning look but he took his chance anyway

“Wathi ndimpha kamnandi (pasue) and kunento uwamfundisa yona arhalela siy’zame (She said I’m
fucking her good (pause) and there’s something you taught her which she wanted us to try)”

I knew I was fucked by both the drug and what I was about to hear when I laughed, my eyes not leaving
her figure

Me: And uyafuna undixelele Nanam uba yintoni leyo? (And do you want to tell me nana what that is?)

The fright in her eyes had me read into everything but I wanted to her one of them say it. I knew what
he was talking about before he even mentioned it, but I wanted to hear them say the words. There was
silence and a sharing of looking amongst them, she kept begging him not to say anything

“He’ll kill you odwa, ndiyakucela.”

I took about four shots while waiting for them to stop playing hide and seek. Nkululeko had his eyes
narrowed at us, more especially at me and I think I know why. It had been close to half a decade since I
used any sort of drug, even though this wasn’t the strongest but it kicked in deep because my body was
still familiarizing itself with the drug

Me: So since engazothetha, may’ringwe nguwe leway. Wamenzani? (So since she won’t talk, you tell me.
What did you do to her?)

He side-eyed her then looked at me. Either two things were going to happen at that moment, he was
going to lie or say nothing so without a second thought I shot up from the couch and stormed to my
safe. Pulling out my personal weapon, I checked if I had any bullets before preparing it then aiming at
him. Nkululeko was on his feet, Aphindiwe was on her feet and the guy I was about to kill was still
seated, trying to raise from the leather couch. He had his hands held up in the eye and from how I was
feeling I swear if he didn’t talk in the next minute I was blowing off his brains

“Bhuda” Nkululeko begged, I raised him a finger, I needed complete silence because I was giving this
motherfucker just a fucken minute to open his mouth

Me: Wa.me.nza.ni (What did you do to her?)

He was up on his feet, his eyes lingering between me, the gun and Aphindiwe. She had her hand over
her mouth, suppressing her cries. I hated hearing her cry, I really did but in that I was in that was the
least of my worries. When I corked the gun, he stopped me

Odwa: Ndizothetha

Aphindiwe: Odwa please, ndiyakucela, please. You promised never to tell anybody, you can’t do this to
me

She was holding his arm, his t-shirt and from the way she was begging I knew it must have been
something bigger than what I thought. I started weighing the two scenarios I had and none of them
could have her act like she was doing unless I was the one paranoid

Me: Aphindiwe shut up! Just shut up!

She jumped, moving away from him. I moved closer, pressing the mouth of the gun on his forehead

Me: 3 seconds

My index finger was on the trigger, promising that it will press if he doesn’t talk until I was done
counting. I really did not think I was going to kill him because I knew doing that would change everything
Aphindiwe ever loved about me, she’d never look at me the same and I didn’t want that but when he
yelled

“We had fucken anal sex” I lost it. Blood spilled on my face as his cold body dropped on the couch. There
was silence for what seemed like a few seconds before realization hit Aphindiwe and she started
screaming, covering her mouth with both her hands. She fell on the concrete floor, her eyes not shifting
from his dead body. I had my eyes on it as well, wanting to kill him over and over again. Nobody touched
what was mine and she was mine, and mine only. I vowed to myself the day Bafana laid a hand on her
that no man was going to live after getting through the same holes I went pass. And I meant no fucken
man.

Fifth entry continuing...

... He turned to me and held me by my neck, pulling my head not so gently but not rough either, he
lowered his head and whispered

"You are mine Mambhele."

An incredulous chuckle left my mouth. I was tired of being jumpy and of giving him the satisfaction of
fearing him so I pulled his arm away and stepped away, looking at him

Me: You have no right to claim me. Maybe you should claim your wife to be but not mna.

I walked towards the car, unhappy about this conversation. I was about to open the door when I actually
took a decision, turning around I was ready to let it be heard

Me: And I want out kule relationship. Not a break, not a couple of weeks of not talking to each other
then act like everything's fine when we meet up hayi. I want us to stop seeing each other.

My voice was cracky and it was caused by the hurt that came with the words. I actually never thought I
say those words ever, and worse under such circumstances. I was hurting because standing there boldly
informing him how I didn't want this I still loved him dearly but I knew on daily basis instead of this
relationship building me, it was breaking me. Gone were those days when I was excited about seeing
him. It came to my knowledge that every time we met up lately we were fighting and arguing so I spent
my night crying, wondering if he was with Nomtha or any of his other mistresses. He was getting
married and add the cherry on top, he was now turning into the exact man I had tales about. The very
man he had told me he never wanted to reveal to me, but there we were and he was peeling every
laying of the Fhaku I fell in love, giving me the monster I never wished to meet.

After saying what I felt was enough to make him understand how I felt I got in the car. He followed
shortly after. I didn't understand this sudden change he had in him and it worried me extremely. How he
just allowed everything I said to go, if this was the Mihle I knew he would fight me after what I said to
him but this one, this one just got in the car fastened his seatbelt and prepared for the ride. I was
bothered.

Nearing the residence my fear returned. My worry about Odwa started afresh and I kept mentally
praying that there waa no one in the flat because I wanted to face no one. I couldn't talk to either of my
best friends knowing I just got their best friend killed, I wanted to get to the flat, pack my bags and leave
to Bellville. I would rather be there than here. Arriving at the flat after Mihle dropped I found only
Siyasanga with her boyfriend, busy jolling on the couches Loot and I bought

Siyasanga: Luthando uthe please call her xa ufika, baya for hiking noKim and some friends and kudala
bekufuna but your phone has been off.

I nodded, making way to the bedroom. I packed in the medium-sized suitcase, taking the clothes I
believed I'd need for the type of weather. It was cold still but winter was approaching the end since it
was nearing the end of July. After satisfied with everything I packed I exited the flat, standing at the
street to catch a taxi to the mall where I'd find Cabs to the burbs. After a long, exhausting ride I
was standing in front of the gates zakwa Tatomdala, waiting for someone inside to open the gate after
having rang the bell twice. The gate required an answer when it remotely locked. I knew I'd be
questioned about my visit by the girls zalapha, I barely visited kaloku. As for Mamomdala I knew she'd
be happy seeing me there. After the gate was slid open I stepped in, feeling a little safe but still haven't
forgotten the pain that hung over my body.

I walked into the house to Lisa and Azola, apart from being surprised seeing me there, they were happy
as well

Azola: Gosh you look horrible, are you okay?

She commented removing herself from our hug, I nodded faking a smile

Me: Ninjani nina? (How are you guys?)

Azola: Good.

Her eyes weren't leaving my face and I knew why. My whole face seemed swollen especially my eyes
which were puffy from all the crying

Me: Hayi, don't look at me like that

I slipped her shoulder as I made myself comfortable on her bed

Lisakhanya: Ingathi you been crying for years

I shrugged my shoulders, sighing

Me: Have been but kuzobaright wethu

Azola: Are you sure?

I nodded, reassuring them. I was just brushing away the many questions they had because I could tell
from the looks they were giving me they wanted to know more.

Me: I just want to sleep nje qha, ndine ntloko

Azo looked at me, pity visible in her eyes. She looked at Lisa prior to nodding, squeezing my shoulder

Azola: Okay ke, Asi let's go.

Me: Did you guys even go to school?

I asked as they were about to leave the bedroom

Lisakhanya: Haibo ewe.

I smiled, fixing my sleeping position. They were both students at UCT and as far as I know she had just
started this year, doing her Masters. Yall see what I meant when I said people in this family study.
However, I never thought she would stay longer than she was already, she only came for fitting and the
engagement party, little did I know she'd be staying any longer than this.
Sleeping was a hassle, I couldn't help but think every time I was alone. Maybe I had to be around people
to avoid the tears from coming.

I was traveling to school for two days before the tragic news found my friends. I remember we were
gathered in our usual spot, and like an often thing since what happened, my mood was down. I wasn't
saying, actually thinking about the incident that happened on Friday at Mihle's house. I knew it wouldn't
be long til they heard the news but I didn't think that Tuesday was the day. As we sat there
Luthando received a call from her crush who was now her fling mate if I put it right. She answered her
phone with a smile but there was a sudden change of mood which made her earn both my attention and
Kim's

Luthando: What?

Her voice was shaky and she nodded, her hand trembling. I don't think she spoke after that again, all she
kept doing was nodding with her mouth open slightly open then her eyes became glassy and I knew. My
heart ached more than it was. I knew when the day comes it'll be filled with more emotions because I'd
see other people cry. When she ended the call my tears were already filling my eyes but I didn't want to
free them yet because it would obviously look suspicious crying before even hearing the news

Luthando: Tyson just called

Her vpice was a mere whisper

"He says Odwa's gone."

Kimberley: Gone where?

Luthando: Passed on.

There was silence, painful silence before Kimberley looked at me and I was staring right straight at
Luthando, my tears about to fall off

Kimberley: It can't be.

Luthando blinked, letting go of her tears. She shook her head going through her phone again. She placed
it against her ear and waited for whoever was on the other side to answer. She spoke to someone I
assumed was Tyson probably confirming what he had told her prior to her letting out a sharp cry, then
for the very first time since I've known these girls I saw Kim cry. I knew it was messy when Kim was
buried her be as between her knees and sobbed. The guilt, the self-hate and how much I knew was
killing me. Ndikholelwe xa ndisithi I wanted to talk because I did but didn't know where I'd start so
instead of mentioning anything I just cried. I know I deserve to be punished for such a sin but I just didn't
know how I was going to go about it.

We left campus early that day, heading to Tyson's house where all the boys gathered, devastated and
crushed. They way they came about it, painting all sorts of scenarios of how he could have died made
want to die because in that room I was the only one holding the piece of puzzle they were looking for.

Another friend spoke, giving a suggestion that they should list the names of people who were on bad
terms with O because whoever killed him either did it at his place and cleaned the blood or shot him
elsewhere and brought him back. They listed about 3 names, debating about the others before there
was silence for about 2 minutes then Kim looked at me. I wasn't aware she was staring my way until a
few heads turned and looked at me, with a hammering heart I looked at her

"Mihle." she said, sounding like she was questioning me. And I knew right there if I didn't act right, I
would be giving them a good reason to suspect I knew something because amongst a pair of eight eyes I
knew one had to be sharp enough to catch the slightest wrong move I was to make.

SIXTH ENTRY-

Mihle's POV

Turning over for the third time that night, I groaned unable to sleep. Ever since the day she told me she
wanted nothing to do with the relationship I haven't been able to reach her because I was blocked,
everywhere. I know this was my third time having her blacklist me but it felt like the first, for obvious
reasons. The previous times she never dared to utter words like she did, telling me she wanted out of
the relationship, and I guess that gave me hope because I knew it was a matter of time and she'd
unblock me again but this time was different, I was completely hopeless. Realising I won't see another
bit of sleep I removed myself from my grey and white sheets and retreated to the lounge. I wanted to at
least get some sleep back.

Since that Saturday I parted ways with her I haven't been alright and I was fully aware of it. However, it
was tough admitting that you dependent on someone for strength and peace more especially if you
were a respected man like myself but there I was counting on a lady I had once vowed to myself not to
love. I was getting damaged with each day passing. Knowing she had the opportunity of running wildly,
getting any dick she wanted was frustrating me. My anger was expanding, my worry raised, the
uneasiness was peek high and above all, my aggressiveness was back. Sighing to my thoughts, I
connected the joystick to the joy-bringing device in front of me, I tried not thinking the slightest about.

I might have been pressing those buttons with her on my mind because after losing the second game in
a row I heeded it was useless. It was her I needed to see and nothing could distract me from the feeling.
I examined my lounge, smiling sadly when I recalled that it all happened here, the shooting that is. This
was the very same place which brought her the tiniest of hate she had towards me now. Disconnecting
the Xbox, I settled for the highlights of the La Liga game between Real Madrid and Valencia CF.

I know you probably thinking I am the most ridiculous, selfish man you've come to know but what else
could I do, let the woman I loved with every cell in my body leave? No, I wasn't going to do that.

Waking up the following morning with a pain on my neck because I ended up sleeping on the couch
unknowingly, I called in sick at working earning myself a great lecture from captain who never
appreciated my absence but wouldn't dare pay mind if half the staff wasn't in. I was in the form of going
to work, but mentally I wasn't okay and that would affect my work. I spent half that day cleaning my
garage and car whilst my part-time cleaner was spring cleaning the house. When she was done and had
left I spent time in my lounge, watching CNN when I felt the only person who'd help me was Nkululeko
so I called him but his line sent me straight to voicemail so I ended up trying Themba whom I presumed
must have been with Nku

Themba: Bhuda
Me: Moja, uphi uNkululeko?

Themba: Nanku Bhoza

I instructed him to give Nkululeko the phone who unfortunately took his time to get his shit together
prior to attending to me. I told him what I expected from the both of them before the end of the day,
and I wanted a report back not over the phone but at my place. Understanding probably how affected I
was by this whole thing he promised he'd do as I asked.

I had to drug myself in order to sleep which I managed to do for almost a peaceful 5 hours before my
phone vibrated under my arms which was bare on it. I opened my eyes and grabbed hold of the object
before pressing them shut again

"Ya?"

Nkululeko: Siphandle bhuda (We are outside bra?)

Me: Sure

I threw my phone on the side of the bed and turned over, facing the ceiling which I stared at for a good
two minutes before finally removing myself from the King-sized bed which brought me so much
comfort. I dragged my body to the door. The buddies were still in Nku's red Polo GTI 2014 and only
prepared to leave the vehicle when I flung the door open. I went to the kitchen and took the last bottle
of aQuelle water from the fridge, mentally reminding myself that I needed to buy some groceries soon.
Themba pulled the burglar and locked it, leaving the door open for some fresh air

Nkululeko: S'phethe iz'gawulo (We brought some food)

Me: Ntoni?

Nkululeko: Nyama (Meat)

I nodded, lowering myself on the sofa. Themba took the plastic tray containing the braaied meat and left
to the kitchen to warm the meat up. Looking at Nkululeko, he knew he had to speak but before he did
he shook his head. I watched him through narrowed eyes and was feeling irritated with his acting

Me: Khathethe (Just speak)

He gave me a sympathetic look before clearing his throat

Nkululeko: Uthi akafuni ukubona Bhuda (She says she doesn't want to see you bra)

I chuckled lowly, averting my eyes from his face. Trying to remain calm I turned back to him again

Me: Wathini wena kuye? (And what did you say to her?)

He gestured his hands in a way of telling me nothing and the straight look on his face confirmed he
wasn't lying

Me: So awenzanto? (So you did nothing?)

Nkululeko: Bendizothini bhuda? (What was I to do bra?)

Shaking my head, I passed my gaze to Themba who had just sat on the couch opposite mine, he stopped
opening the meat and looked at me, realising I had my eyes on him. He raised a brow, as though
indicating me to talk because he was listening.

Me: Ndininika just one fucken task, and niyaflopa.

Themba slowly raised the piece of pork in his hand to his mouth while looking between Nku and I

Me: Themba, utheni uAphindiwe? (Themba, what did Aphindiwe say?)

Themba: Bhuda, akavumi lamntana. Sizamile (Bra, she doesn't want. We tried)

Me: And that is not enough damn it! Nkululeko!

I yelled, I was furious. I had sent them to tell her that I wanted to see her and the only thing they came
back was meat, fuck these boys were testing me

Nkululeko: Ubufuna sithini bra? Huh? Akoyo maid yam uAphindiwe, andimazi ucofwa for uthamba.
Okanye ubufuna ndithini, ndibambe and drag her here? (What did you want us to do? Huh? Aphindiwe
is not my girlfriend, I don't know where to touch her so she can soften up. Or you wanted me to drag
her here?)

Me: Sundinyela kwedini (Don't shit on me boy)

Nkululeko: Thought as much, nxee.

I glared at him, thinking if he were any other person I would have punched his jaw in by now, but this
was Nkululeko, a brother to me. There was silence for a while with myself staring in space trying to
figure out how I was going to do this. I actually had a plan which I'd do on my own and was about to
address it when Themba spoke

" And funeke umjonge bhoza, izomthatha lantwana Drew lomntana (And you need to watch her bra,
that boy Drew will take her from you.)"

My nostrils flared as I took in what he had just said. I clenched my jaws trying to find the words to ask
the obvious

Me: Ebephi? (Where was he?)

Themba: Ebephaya nabo, but he seemed quite interested kuye more than the other three ladies.

I looked at Nkululeko and noticed he was throwing daggers at Themba for what he had just said. So
these two bastards decided they were going to keep that part of information away from me, thanks to
Themba for the loyalty. I stood up, taking four long steps towards the Belano Wall unit I took my
MacBook, opened it and placed it on Nkululeko's lap

Me: Track inumber yakhe, ngoku.

I retreated to bedroom, as I walked down the passage I heard him curse and I knew my boy understood
exactly what was about to happen.

Aphindiwe's POV
It was a day after the Tuesday everybody found out Odwa was no more and there was still no difference
in pain, instead my situation was getting worse. My nightmares, not only about the child who always
found a way back to my dreams, but also about Odwa's death were haunting me, making me sleep less
as a result I was feeling sick. I had managed to convince the gang that I knew nothing about Mihle having
any beef with Odwa, and with every word I spoke that day a tear followed. I was howling because of the
self-hatred I carried within for speaking lies, acting like I knew nothing about his sudden death whereas I
was there to witness it all. I was scared for my life if they would find out I knew, their anger told me that
I'd probably end up with a criminal record if they ended up discovering the truth.

Now we were sitting in the sitting room, listening to Andrew who was giving us possible scenarios about
what could have happened to Odwa. Kimberley called her brother first thing when we still had no
answers about the murder, asking him to help us fill in some gaps we had to the whole story. The
beauties of having a gangster brother. About an hour ago Mihle's friends showed up while we were
waiting for the arrival of Tyson and Sihle at the gate, making me furious as hell by delivering whatever
news Mihle had for me. I was disappointed in Nkululeko for acting like he knew nothing about my
instant anger, like he was oblivious to the whole events of that night. I was sickened really, that he
thought he could show up on behalf of his so-called boss and I'd accept the request, seeing it as a
romantic motion. During my outburst, Andrew as always, came to my rescue and told the guys that it
was conspicuous I didn't want to speak to them so they could they please leave. He knew they guys so
without surprising me and probably you guys too, he wanted to know where did Mihle go wrong now. I
informed him it was a story for another day.

Now I was looking at my feet, trying to hear Andrew out but my mind kept on racing back to Mihle and
the sudden dread which filled me now that I was calm was enough to make me realise that he could be
on his way. When I was angry I couldn't careless if his friends witnessed the friendly, warming care
Andrew passed towards me but now that I was calm, thinking about what he wanted from me, it hit me.
He loathed Drew breathing in the same space as I, he didn't even want the poor guy to look my way.
Feeling like I was going to suffocate from the pressure I was feeling on my chest, I spoke

"Andrew I think you gonna have to go."

All the faces in the room turned to look at me, but I was staring at the man who wasn't far from me who
suddenly looked at me like I had grew two heads or something

Kimberley: Why?

She asked, making me avert my attention from her brother's confused face to hers which carried
suspicion. You have to understand I had just witness my dearest love kill a person in front of me, a
person he had warned me to stay away from, I couldn't have another shooting happen

Me: I think Mihle is on his way, and Andrew you know he doesn't...

I stopped talking when I noticed him smirking, looking at me with cognizance. His smirk turned into a
worried, low laugh prior to him questioning

Andrew: And how do you know he's on his way?

Me: I don't know. My sudden worry tells me

Andrew: Then you shouldn't worry, you know I can handle Mihle on my own right?

I was about to persist when Kimberley asking with a tone lingering worry

Kimberley: How would he know where you are?

I looked at her, not wanting to reveal the truth which was going to make them think I was being abused.
I gulped, turning my eyes to Luthando who always looked like she was waiting for me to speak

Me: He tracks my number

Kimberley: What?

She questioned, in a low voice that was accompanied by a chuckle. She was shocked, her face didn't lie.
There was silence, reading the look on Drew's face I knew I was fucked

"Is he even allowed to do that? I mean, that's sick. When a person doesn't want to see you then they
don't want to see you, you have no right to stalk them and follow them around, forcing yourself in their
space. You know Loot and I always wondered why does he show up wherever you are, we thought you
actually send him a location or something (chuckles) all this time he's been coming to you unasked."

Kim articulated, causing me to shudder from her words. She was making it seem like I was dating some
freak or something, I didn't see it as something so bad. Yes it was annoying when he'd show up
unwanted but I could handle it.

Me: Kim you making a big deal out of nothing

Tyson: No she isn't, this means you not safe mos.

Kimberley: And you see why I thought he probably killed Odwa, the guy is sick guys. He probably knew
your every move with O

I shook my head about to protest when there was a knock at the door, surprising us all. Since Sihle was
the only one on his feet he went for the door, swung it open welcoming a Mihle with a Nkululeko just
like I had expected. Luthando looked at me, worry and shock visible on her face. Calmly, he looked at
everyone in the room then his eyes fell on me. He watched for quite a long 20 seconds before uttering

"Nhanha, I came here to see you mntuwam."

Kimberley: We have a meeting.

He turned his eyes to Kim and gave her a straight smile, before wiping it off and giving the exact some
straight face he walked in with

Mihle: And I'm here to see my girlfriend, Khamila

Kimberley: I'm Kimberley damn it.

He slowly turned his gaze to me before extending his hand for me to take. There was silence in the
room, all eyes on me, waiting for me to probably reject him but I couldn't. I was the only person who
knew what danger it would cause if I told him to fuck off, I was the only one who knew that he'd
probably pull his gun out provoking Andrew to pull his out as well. I stood up, fixing my lace crop top
which sat above my belly, showing my belly ring. His eyes travelled from my face to my exposed skin and
he chuckled, looking at Drew who was looking at me. I was about to hold him, place my hand in his
when Kim stood up, fixing her t-shirt

Kimberley: You know our friend just died

I noticed how he tried to mask the shook on his face and he succeeded before removing his eyes on me
to Kim. She continued talking, and I was hoping she'd just keep quiet

"And my gut has a strong feeling that you know about the murder."

Mihle: What murder?

Sihle: The murder of the guy you almost killed at our party, remember?

He nodded, still giving them a blank face. Nkululeko was looking at me with pleading eyes because he
could see from the look I was giving Mihle that I was about to burst into tears. I was hurting, damaged
from what I had seen, conflicting myself into accepting that the man I so loved dearly was really
unfolding into the man I never wanted to see nor date, and here he was standing here, unmoved by any
of my emotions. Did he really about me or how I felt? Or was he just concerned about his happiness and
nothing else

Mihle: So what do I have to do with his killing?

Kimberley: Well we all know you don't like anybody that touches your Aphindiwe clearly, now he was
fucking her suddenly he' dead.

Her voice was shaky and cracking, I could she was about to break down soon. He dropped his eyes on
me when she said the word "fucking" before looking at her again

Mihle: Well, I didn't know that. And sorry about your loss, but I know nothing about your friend's death.

The disgust, authority and anger in his voice shock me. I choked on a sob that was about to come, not
being to take this anymore. He grabbed my hand, pulling me gently into him

Mihle: But you guys can continue with your search and see if it helps your suspicions. (long pause) But if
you find nothing that leads to my name...

He looked at everybody in the room before continuing

"I'm expecting an apology from each and everyone of you. Especially you Khamila."

I almost forgot Drew was in the room, but he reminded me of his presence when he spoke

Andrew: Don't you fucken threaten my sister Miles.

He looked at Andrew and smiled, a wide smile for that matter

Mihle: I'm not threatening her, I'm telling her.

Andrew stood up, reaching the back of his pants and I knew just what he was holding. Mihle had his
eyes on him, but still calm which shocked me nafuthi
Andrew: I will kill you.

He gave him a straight smile which wasn't reaching his eyes and everybody looking at him could tell it
was fake. He scanned the room again, then looked back at me, placing a kiss on my forehead he asked

"Can we step outside?"

I knew the guy I had fallen for in and out, it was the sleeping demon in him that I didn't know and still
feared. I wasn't show whether or not, when it was fully awake would it kill me too.

-Seventh Entry-

Mihle’s POV

After my talk with Aphindiwe I didn’t drive straight home but to Pick n Pay liquor store first to buy a
whiskey bottle I needed more than anything. The conversation did not go like I anticipated, instead of
walking away with her in my arms she actually told me maybe she was better off without me. She said at
first it came as a thought but lately I been giving her reasons why she believed it. I was fighting it,
arguing with her back and forth up until she mentioned that even the Andrew I was keeping her away
from she thought of a better than I. I could have fought her really but there are things we can’t stomach
when said, things which drain even the last fight in us and this was one of them. I just stared at her,
wanting to curse my ears for taking in such information. I wanted to shut my brain from digesting such
words but when I studied her face and saw she meant every word I knew it was over for me. I could’ve
have stormed back into that house and punch Drew in the face if she compared me to him but she
didn’t, she chose him over me. With a mouth slightly open I looked at her prior to sighing in pain. Maybe
had Drew walked out of that door and forced her to say what she said then I would fought for my
position, believing she was just under the pressure of his presence but she wasn’t, it was just her and I,
and she still looked me dead in the eyes and uttered them. Before she said those words she couldn’t
stop crying, constantly begging me to let her speak, telling me about how everything we did since we
started dating was always about me and never about her. I was taken aback with shock and kept to
myself, giving her the chance to express herself and that’s when the words finally left her mouth. I recall
feeling like I was punched in the stomach as I watched her, and she waited for me to speak but I didn’t,
all I could do was watch her for what seemed like forever before I nodded, accepting the sad. The truth
that concluded everything all together, the reason why she continued going back to him, why she’d
never blocked him to begin with and why coincidently I always found them together, it was because he
was a better than me.

I chuckled, feeling the unfamiliar pain return. Such feelings were queer to me, I didn’t know how to go
about dealing with them because not a single day was I ever bothered by left by a girl. Well, I always did
the dumping or ndishiye whenever I wanted so being dumped by someone I truly loved, by a person I
actually felt I needed the most in my life was tough to deal with. It felt like I would wake up to a
different situation the following day, but that wasn’t the case. Sitting on the couch with my body leaned
back, eyes closed and a glass in my hand I listened to Nkululeko who wouldn’t stop whining ku Bulelani
about my behaviour lately. Ta Lani has been out of town for two months, he was gone for training in
Bloemfontein for VIP protection and bodyguard. He had just returned about two days and already
Nkululeko was running to him before the Grootman could even tell us about his journey.

Bulelani: So Miles ayiwi ibusiness yileway? (So isn’t the business falling from this?)
I opened one eye and looked at him before sitting up straight and staring at the men in front of me. Lani
cocked a brow for me, awaiting my response

“Iyiwa iBhuda but there was a problem which I fixed so it’s cool, akhongxaki.”

Bulelani: Sure?

I nodded, taking a sip from my drink. Nkululeko shook his head whilst chuckling lightly, earning both our
undivided attention

Nkululeko: Yhe ntwana, wena, wena Mihle Ta Miles Gabavu unyiswa ngumntana iway zingaka
ezik’funayo. (Hey boy, you, you Mihle Ta Miles Gabavu are being shitted on by a child while there are so
many ladies that want you.)

He chuckled again before finally bursting into laughter, annoying me. I watched him lean forward and
grab the bottle of Hennessey from the table. Bulelani was staring at me smirking and when I furrowed
my eyebrows at him, he nodded still having that stupid smile on his face

Bulelani: Bathini ngeslungu, bathi that pussy good. (What do they say in English, they say that pussy
good.)

Nkululeko laughed even harder, leaning back on the couch. I smacked his head hard enough to stop him
from laughing but he was still grinning at me.

Me: Ndiyamncanywa Bhuda (I love her Boy)

Bulelani looked at me between narrowed eyes

Bulelani: More than uNomthandazo?

Nkululeko: Ver Bhuda. Imncanywa nyani intwana yam lomntana, ndambona kwalento ukwazi ubulala...
(Far Boy. He really likes her, I saw it from the fact that he managed to kill...)

He stopped talking when he suddenly remembered Bulelani knew nothing about what he was but it was
too late because iGrootman was already looking between us, searching for answers.

Me: Fuck Nku!

Bulelani: Thethani (Speak.)

I was throwing daggers at Nkululeko by now because this isn’t how the matter was supposed to be
addressed. I had to tell Bulelani this problem formally like I always did with any other problem. Nku
started explaining the story to Bulelani but before he could even finish, Bulelani was yelling

“Yima, yima userious! How the fuck do you do that! Huh!”

I watched him slam the glass against the Fino coffee table before standing up. I placed my glass decently
and waited for the lecture I was about to receive.

Bulelani: You know the rules of the game damn at, you guys know ezizinto! Andikhathali noba umthanda
uyagula uAphindiwe, you know this isn’t how we do things in the streets. You guys know the God damn
rules!
He turned and faced us, his nostrils flaring. I lifted my head a little, watching him from where I was
seated

Bulelani: Mihle

Me: Grootman

Bulelani: You are a mess when you get new pussy, a fuck up ntwana yam. You know you’re suffering
from IED but you still go out and take drugs in front of her! (chuckles) Ufuna the same problem ka
Nosipho to happen to Aphindiwe huh, because if anyone and I mean were to know she knows this much
already then you know she’s in danger. Fuck anicingi!

He threw his hands in the air before dropping them on his waist. I sighed, loudly actually fearing how
much she knew. They thought she only knew about the murder I committed in her presence and about
the Bafana story that he was someone who hated me that’s all. Little did they know she carried
information about everything in my life, she knew about the fields, the business we were doing. My
body was covered in goosebumps by just thinking of the danger this type of information could get her
into

Me: Abazomenza nto (They won’t do anything to her)

I said between gritted teeth, earning a dead stare from both men. I don’t understand why Nkululeko
was looking at me like he’d kill me when he was the reason we were here. I assured them again

“She wouldn’t talk.”

Bulelani shook his head, making way to his seat

Bulelani: It’s not Aphindiwe I am worried about here, it’s you ngoba if ezintwana take lomntana asoze
uphin...

Me: Abazomthatha! They wouldn’t dare!

Now it was my turn to get up. He was getting to my head, to even say it out loud. It’s not like I haven’t
thought about it, I have and quite a lot but knowing the level of decency Aphindiwe had, I knew she
wouldn’t talk.

There was silence in the house, the only thing I could hear were my thoughts and my heart which was
hammering hard against my chest.

Me: Ndizoqiniseka (I’ll make sure.)

Nkululeko appeared relaxed but as for Lani he was still looking at me like he wanted to say something
but preventing himself. After a long, good ten seconds of staring at each other he finally nodded in
approval, taking his glass from the table. He downed the dashed whiskey in one go before preparing
himself another glass. I paced up and down the room, trying to think of how I was going to protect her if
I was leaving. I needed hutment, more especially employed just to protect her. After a while of no
conclusion Bulelani trailed me out of my thoughts

Bulelani: Lentwana uyibuleleyo yona, ithini indaba yayo? Is everything clean?

Me: Ya, they have nothing to find.

He nodded, trusting me.

Nkululeko: Khahlale phantsi, ugrand? (Just sit down, are you okay?)

Me: Nah.

They both looked at me as I made way to the sofa. I sat, burying my head on my palms.

Nkululeko: And then?

Me: Ndizovaya (I will leave)

Nkululeko chocked on his drink, coughing loudly as his eyes were still on me. Bulelani did the honours
and questioned on his behalf

“Uyaphi?”

Me: Pitoli. I will accept la offer yase Pitoli.

Bulelani: Ngoba?

The offer I was talking about had been sitting on my desk for over two months now and Captain
wouldn’t stop nagging me about it, it was a great opportunity for my career in the near future. It was a
two year contract deal with the Air Force in Pretoria. Two of our team members had already left and
there were still four positions left, which one happened to be mine. I sighed, looking at Bulelani who
seemed puzzled by my sudden decision. It was something I thought of throughout the whole night
yesterday and with this negative vibe going on between Aphindiwe and I, I might as well appreciate the
opportunity.

Me: Ndiyayidinga (I need it)

Bulelani: Nje out of nowhere? Uyishiya nabani business?

Me: I hired people for a reason Grootman, bakhona uNku. With him, Themba and Solid around I trust
the business. And ndizomoya qho every month end xa ndikwazile.

He was still looking at me as I continued

Me: So ndiyayazi izobaright (So it’ll be fine)

Nkululeko: Aphindiwe?

I sighed, running a hand down my face

Me: I need two trusted hitman

Bulelani: For ixesha elingakanani? (For how long?)

Me: Two years

He raised his eyebrows and I waited for him to protest because the expression on his face told me he
wasn’t buying it
Bulelani: Two years yonke uzobeubhatala abantu abangaphi? (For a whole two years how many people
will you be paying?)

Me: 11

Bulelani: And kuwe that doesn’t appear as waste of izaka. You running ibusiness apha, you should invest
and not spend ingathi uphambene

I stayed silent, understanding what he meant by that but then again I wasn’t backing away from this
one. Both the opportunity and the hitmen I needed. I had many other reasons why I was suddenly taking
this opportunity, you’ll get to understamd them along the way. After a while I addressed Nku

Me: Anyone omthembayo boy from the boys inside unondenzela leeway? (Anyone you trust boy from
the boys inside who can do this job for me?)

Nkululeko nodded, picking his teeth with a broken match stick.

Nkululeko: Ya zikhona ezalaitie zika Bobs, ndizojonga kubo (Yes, there’s Bobs boys, I’ll check them)

I gave him a straight smile, appreciating his fast mind. Standing up, I sighed loudly stretching my arms

Me: Izolunga leeway (This will work)

I said looking directly at Bulelani who still had a confused face on. I understand he was probably not
liking the idea of how I just decided I’d do it over night. He always complained about that habit of mine,
stating how it was bad because one day things would go extremely bad for me, making me lose all I’ve
ever worked for.

Nkululeko: And umtshato? (And the wedding?)

Nku asked as I made way to the kitchen, I stopped on my tracks and turned to face my boy

Me: Ndiyatshata best man

Nkululeko: (chuckles) The smile is so fake boy, andifuni nokwazi lekaka uyicingayo.

I laughed stepping into the kitchen. He knew me too God damn well. Just two more weeks and I would
overcome this trap, for good.

-EIGHTH ENTRY-

Aphindiwe’s POV

The constant thought that kept crossing my mind was disturbing me even in class. Knowing that I was no
longer seeing him was not quite a relief and I think I knew why, I still loved him. When you attempt
ending things with someone whilst you still had the strongest feelings for them was a hassle, it was
completely impossible. I thought about him in everything I did, whether I was typing away on me phone,
whether I was in class or when I was talking to my friends. I sighed, looking at the large projector board
in front of me, half of that lesson I didn’t hear. Before the lecturer could even announce that the session
was over I was already half way through with packing my bag, I stood up and left the room, crossing the
hallways to meet my girls outside. The vibe between us had some slight change in it, Kim was constantly
annoyed by me, saying I was unbelievable for keeping such a secret away from them, that being my
“abusive relationship” . Every time she raised the term abusive I cringed, that wasn’t the case, she made
it seem like he was hitting me. I recall when she questioned whether he has laid a hand on me and when
I told the truth she became furious, telling Luthando that I was defending him once again. Every time his
name was mentioned she became moody, wanted to know what else was I hiding from them.

I made my way to our usual spot under that tree where we shared every single thing except for the one
thing I carried in my heart and mind, Odwa’s death. Luthando was seated alone on the grass on top of
her jean jacket, she looked up at me and smiled

Me: And then where’s Kim?

I questioned, finding a spot next to her

Luthando: Gone to get something kwakhe.

I nodded, opening the pocket of Fritos in my hand. She was typing away on her phone when she looked
at me, smiling

Me: Yintoni ngoku? (What is it now?)

Luthando: Tyson wants to take me out, uthi we need some air just to get over this Odwa thing.

Me: Talking about Odwa, when is his funeral?

Luthando: This Sunday (sighs) his mother is so annihilated from this whole mess, akakwazi nothini.

I nodded slightly, thinking about his family. I couldn’t go for the memorial service that previous
Saturday. The others had gone but I was still in Bellville so I lied to them, saying I wasn’t going to make it
because we were heading for church. They went and on their return I made my way to Stellenbosch so
we could have that little get together discussion, and that was before Mihle came crashing into the
house, demanding to speak to me. Brushing my sad thoughts aside I looked at my best friend who was
still typing on her, smiling sheepishly

Me: So we are you guys going?

Luthando: I don’t know yet but I won’t be returning tonight.

Me: Nihamba namhlanje?! (Yall are leaving today?)

She nodded with the biggest grin on her face. I giggled, observing her childish behaviour. She has always
had a thing for the guy, a real thing and now that he was giving her chance, she was beyond happy. He
appeared romantic and cared for her as well which was a beautiful sight. My mind travelled to Mihle
and I found myself smiling sadly, absentmindedly. There was no doubt that the man carried enough love
for me to kill a nation and I felt it, the undying connection him and I had, the spark which he always
brought back even during our darkest days but what I didn’t understand was his way of expressing his
love. I couldn’t stomach that he could go out killing just to be with me, I too wanted friends, I was
human and people interested in me so I couldn’t walk around like I’m invisible. Lord knows I wanted to
be with him so badly, I missed him, his smell, his smile, his deep voice and how he’d always watch me
even when I’m polishing my nails. I sighed, a little too loud earning Loot’s attention

“Uright?”
I nodded, giving her a straight, short smile. She locked her phone, placing it on top of her sling back

Luthando: Uyaxoka, what’s wrong?

Me: Nothing nyani

She raised her eyebrows, giving me a serious look with her arms crossed over her chest

Luthando: You do know I am not letting this go until you talk. What is wrong?

I closed my eyes, shaking my head playful. I didn’t want to be constantly boring abantwana ababantu
ngobom bam, feeding them news about the same man they didn’t really like.

Me: I’ll be okay I promise.

Luthando: You don’t want to talk about it?

I shook my head, squeezing her hand which was now holding mine

Luthando: Uzobaright usure?

Me: Ewe

She smiled, letting go of my hand. I watched her get and clean her jacket

Luthando: Maybe I should call Kim, I am hungry as fuck. I need a gatsby in my life.

Me: I second that.

I stood up as well, cleaning my butt as she pressed her phone against her ear, waiting for Kim to pick up.
When Kimberley picked up, she placed it on louder speaker, holding the device between her chin and
thorax.

Me: You gotta bring your ass over here you!

Kimberley: I am on my way bitches!

She yelled back, extending the latter word until she ran out of breath laughing. Luthando dropped her
iPhone 7 on her hand and ended the call. We started walking towards the gate holding hands and she
was squealing with excitement about her date with Tyson and kept on informing me that she was
wondering where he was taking her.

Me: You going to get the good D

I freed her hand and started dancing, making her shove me gently.

Luthando: Uyadika

Me: I remember the first time that dick laid you, girl you were insanely in love.

“He’s good.”

She said between gritted teeth and a smile plastered on her face. Well, girls have always said back in
Joburg that foreign was the best dick but I didn’t want to try it out as yet. We waited at the gate for
about 3 minutes before Kim’s car appeared on the streets, crossing the road we met her on the other
side. She had her shades on and her hair loose

Me: And then girlfriend, why you looking fly like this?

Kimberley: Daddy came by to see me. He took my ribbon

She said blushing, Loot and I exchanged looks before bursting into laughter

Luthando: You bitch! No wonder you took forever to come back.

Kimberley: He called me while I still busy in the house and told me he’s around Stellen, so Papa het my
ge seen.

By daddy she was talking about that ugly blesser Loot always teased her about. The man was wealthy
though, he owned about 4 luxury BMWs and a mansion, apparently he was a man of tenders and owned
a company in Cape Town CBD. Kimberley was starting to actually like him and not only for his money.
But she was wide aware that she couldn’t fall for him because he was a married man with a family back
in Pietermartizburg

Kimberley: And he gave me this.

She leaned forward towards the left seat and opened the cabin holder, my mouth gaped when I saw the
stake of money in her hand. Luthando screamed, grabbing the cash held together by a gutter from Kim’s
hand. She smelt it and continued screaming, I was amused.

Me: How much the fuck is that?

Kimberley: A whole fucken R15 000.00

“What?!”

Loot and I said simultaneously, she had to be kidding me.

Kimberley: He said he’s going home for some business so he won’t be seeing me for a whole month, so
to cover up our lunches and romantic dates that I’ll be missing, here’s something to make it up to me.

I smiled, nodding in agreement as I held the money

Kimberley: So what you meisies want?

Luthando: Gatbsy!!

Kimberley: Ha.a na.ah, yall are getting more than that. Let’s go drinking.

Me: I gotta text my uncle first.

Kimberley: Text the old man and bloody switch off your phone so someone doesn’t track it.

Me: That wasn’t funny Kim.

Kimberley: Sorry babe but I know that if he’d pop up now you ditching us.

Me: Him and I broke him, I told you guys mos.

Kimberley: And I will only believe that once you start mingling then for sure.

I kept to myself, not wanting to entertain her anymore. She was getting my mood from a high 100 to a
cold, boring zero

Kimberley: Oops I forgot, you can’t mingle babes because the next one might just disappear again.

Luthando smacked her arm hardly, she screamed giving Loot a deadly glare

Luthando: Hayi Kim, that was not funny. What’s wrong with you nah?

Kimberley stopped her car and turned to look at me, she was smiling, her real smile

“I am so sorry babes, I didn’t mean it the hard way but you know how I feel about him.”

Me: Can we stop talking about him then because every time we do you end up insulting me instead.

She balanced on her seat, leaning forward until her hand reached my chin which she held bringing me
closer. She placed a baby kiss on my lips and muttered “I’m sorry”

I nodded, wanting her to stop already.

Luthando: You need to know she is not Mihle and she won’t be. His mistakes are not hers.

Kimberley: Fine, Fine! P and I are good now so can we drop it?

Luthando: When it suits you.

Me: Guys, hayini man. Can we stop ngoku?

They both turned to look at me and I sighed

“One more word about Mihle and I’m going home.”

Luthando: Good

She said smiling. Kim smiled at me too before turning to accelerate the car so we’d find our destination
before the sunset. I leaned back on the seat and opened my phone, without even thinking I went
straight to the gallery and opened one of his pictures. I stared at it for over a minute, my eyes were
getting teary while this lump became stronger in my throat. Without even thinking twice, I selected
every picture of his and pressed the delete option. As painful as it was, I had to be strong and take one
step at a time.

Ninth Entry

Mihle's POV

I didn't have a chance to heal, instead of healing I was becoming more insane, wondering how she was
coping. Her words kept playing in my head over and over, she was hurt, making it known that I bruised
her and what killed me now was her not giving me the chance to make it up to her. She knew I could
make it up to her but she was preventing me from doing it by blocking me out, I had no access to her
whatsoever. I thought I'd go crazy from all the thoughts, from the hurt of not touching her, of seeing her
smile. I was craving her, her scent, her soft lips. I just wanted to hold her. I was constantly having
headaches and I was beginning to fall sick from migraines again, I chuckled remembering how I used to
take a drug back then when I'd have such terrible headaches. I opened the grandpa powder and threw it
in my mouth, moisting it before swallowing, I opened the bottle of water and drank it half way through.
It had been a whole week since I saw her and that Friday after work I was driving home, I had to be
there to check that my family was prepared for the wedding.

After what seemed like a long day of torture at work I arrived at Belmar and took a quick refreshing
shower. When I was done with everything I grabbed the already packed small brown leather bag, threw
it over my shoulder before examining my bedroom, trying to think that I had taken everything I'll need. I
spoke to Nomthandazo as any husband would and told her about my trip, she insisted on coming with
him but I stopped her asking for an alone time with my family. I couldn't tell I just didn't want to go with
her because it would hurt her and she'd question me a lot, irritating me more. Even her voice would
make me sick. I knew just seeing her smile would work me off because just as I was dying to see her
sister, she was happy she was going to finally win me over her. Even her smell would have my aggression
grow in multiples. I embarked on the journey which took me more or less five hours and around to 10 at
night I was parked in front of the gate yasekhaya watching my sister pull faces at my tinted windows as
she opened the gates for me. She knew very well that I was looking at her hence her childish behavior.
Once the gate was fully opened I drove in, parking at my usual spot. I stepped out and watched her skip
towards me, she slapped the back of my head making me stop searching the backseat of my car and
look at her

Zizipho: Yintoni lento yakho yongatsho xa usiza? (Why is it that you never say when you're coming?)

Me: Umama knew

Zizipho: Then what about me?

"Umama knew."

I repeated myself making her smack my back a little too hard this time around. I grabbed hold of her
arm and twisted it, she was laughing fighting me knowing exactly where I wanted to hit her. The part
right above her ass, from how she'd always complain when I smacked her there I've learnt that it was
the most painful. She was kicking, screaming as my hand connected with her skin and I smiled in
achievement watching her curse

Zizipho: Urough kodwa wena.

She said stomping her feet, she was rubbing that spot her eyes fixed on me. When I leaned forward to
place a kiss on her cheek she pulled back, pushing me away

Me: Cry baby, cry. Ina

I handed her 2 plastic bags with nothing but munchies, all snacks I could think of knowing that her and
my mother were lovers of sweet things, so was I. She smiled while examining the plastic bags

Me: Ukhona mama? (Is mama here?)

She was searching the plastic when I smacked her arm gently earning her attention

Me: Mama?
Zizipho: What about her?

Me: Ukhona?

Zizipho: Oh Hayi, she went out about 2 hours ago. Tamnci Xola called ebacela bonke ekhayakhulu, I think
bhutana is back to hitting usisana futhi.

I furrowed my eyes brows looking at her as she continued explaining the situation to me

"This is the 3rd meeting in 2 weeks ke sana and there was a time sisana ebekhe wazolala apha so I knew
it must be that."

Me: Usasela ubhutana? (Does bhutana still drink?)

She shrugged her shoulders as we walked towards the house. I opened the doors followed by her of
course, she closed the door gently before approaching the table to place the plastic bags. I passed the
kitchen heading to the lounge when I stopped at the passage looking at the figure which stared back me,
a wide smile made its way to my face

Me: Mntanam

Mila: Hey Fhaku

She approached me, looking like she had just woke up from her sleep. I enveloped her in my arms,
picking her up.

Me: You good?

Mila: Good qha ndinentloko unjani wena

I smiled at her, observing my aunt's looks within her.

Me: Good.

Zizipho: Haibo uvuswa yintoni? (Hey, what woke you up?)

Mila: Ndothukile

Zizipho nodded, walking besides me to the lounge. She was already holding a packet of Wine Gums in
her hand, opening them. Mila walked in with a glass of cold water in her hands, she sat next to me
throwing her covered legs on top of my lap as usual. She was one relative who'd get me in trouble. If you
recall I had stated that she used to have a baby crush on me but that was before explaining to her the
complications such feelings would cause for us and she stopped. If any cousins were suspected to be
fucking in the family then we'd be the first to be called in the meeting.

Me: So ufike nini apha? (So when did you arrive here?)

Mila: Three days back aneh Zizipho.

Zizipho: Ewe, Tuesday.

Me: Is everything okay ekhaya?

She nodded taking a sip from the glass she was holding.
Me: I'm so tired, umama uzobuya nini?

Zizipho: It depends kula meeting, I don't know.

There was silence before Zizipho looked at me with curiosity raising on her face

Zizipho: Kanene when is the wedding?

Me: This coming Saturday. I'm here for that

She nodded as she continued addressing me

"I still can't believe usatshata uNomthandazo over Aphindiwe sana. Mntana bantu must be devastated."

Me: And why would you think that?

Zizipho: Haibo because you preached your love for her, had the family go phaya uba bayokuthethelela
now all that has changed.

Aware that she didn't know the real reason behind the marriage I kept her in the dark as well

Me: I discovered it was a phase

Mila: (claps hands) yooh Amadoda then you wonder why I don't even want to see marriage mna
mntakabawo. A phase.

I slapped her shoulder, chuckling from how silly she said the latter. Removing her legs from my lap I
stood up, grabbing my bag

Me: I need to sleep.

They both nodded, and I shuffled my sister's relaxed hair before leaving them in the main house to my
bedroom outside.

I made it to my bedroom and just wanted to sink deep into sleep already but I was prepared for the long
thoughts I knew awaited me immediately when I tucked myself under the sheets.

I woke up the following morning to a loud knock on the door, it kept going even when I wasn't
answering, groaning I sat up looking at the door

Me: Okay

I said in a hoarse voice, I searched for my jeans and put them, walking towards the door as I checked
that my underwear wasn't showing either than the waistband. I unlocked the door and swung it open, it
revealed a fresh looking Zizipho

Zizipho: Hayi tshini vuka, it's past 9 already

Me: Uphi umama? (Where's mother?)

Zizipho: (giggles) you are such a mama's boy. Yizotya wethu! (Come eat! )

She yelled retreating back to the house. I stepped back into my room and started doing my bed before
running into the bathroom for a quick shower. After feeling refreshed and ready for the day I walked to
the house and found my mother standing at the stove with an apron covering her navy dress. The smell
of amagwinya hit my nostrils

Me: Madlamini

I could tell she was smiling before even turning to look at me

Mama: Molo Nkwenkwe, unjani mntanam?

I lowered my body, hugging her as I rested my chin on her shoulder. She patted my back prior to moving
back

Me: Niright kodwa?

Mama: Siphila kakuhle Nkwenkwe wena mntanam?

The sympathizing look she gave me made me shake my head, letting her know that I was coping. She
had called me called me multiple times wanting to know if was okay with doing this. I assured her I'd do
anything at first because I feared losing my child but now that I was understanding something was
probably wrong here I wasn't sure anymore and I only had a week to make up my mind. We never went
to iNyanga yasekhaya because he was feeling sick and still was, my mother kept telling me that he was
in no power to throw amathambo and speak to the spirits. Apparently he was beyond weak and stayed
nge bhedi oko. The traditional healer Nomtha and I went to was the one recommended by her aunt,
apparently it was a good friend of hers since she too had a calling. I had believed at first, a little too
blinded but something wasn't making sense, I knew ancestors protected the happiness of their loved
ones and even if I happened to be the black sheep of the family, my grandparents and father wouldn't
lead me into something I didn't want. Something they knew would kill me instead of building me.

Me: Uyaya nawe etown? (Are you also going to town?)

I asked, picking a now cool fatcake from the Tupperware container.

Mama: Hayi boy, kodwa ndimxelele uZizi uba ndifuna ntoni, she knows umntanam

Smiling I kissed her cheek before passing her walking towards the lounge. Mila was tying her brown,
gold sandals when I walked in, she looked up at me

Mila: Hayi uhlambe ngaso (No you bathed with it)

I held her hand and pulled her from the couch only to shove her back kuyo, and she laughed showing me
her index finger in replacement of her middle finger.

Me: It's only expensive baby, I didn't bath with it.

Mila: Haisoka, whatever King.

Me: And funeke niyiyeke le nickname.

Zizipho walked in grinning, having heard what Mila called me. I threw the paper of uclairs I had in my
hand at her and she picked it up, telling me about how umama has already cleaned the house. As we
walked pass the kitchen I took yet another fat cake with a can of play from the fridge, I had two left from
my journey yesterday.
We arrived at Baywest mall and I immediately regretted taking them out for shopping when we walked
into the third shop with nothing bought as yet. All they kept doing was going in and out these boutiques,
fitting dresses and shoes but came out carrying nothing, not even a piece of jewelery, at least that
would be promising. When we walked in at Aldo, I sat down watching as they kept fitting heels over
again. Luckily, Zizipho liked a beige shoe requesting a size 5. We went out to eat after that before
continuing around town with the shopping. They found dresses matching the theme colors but Mila still
hadn't found a shoe but I promised to send her the money so she could look for it by herself even if it
was during the week. Zizipho also managed to find a shoe for mama, telling me she had already bought
a dress for the wedding.

I drove back with the ladies in my car and as we entered the hood my eyes landed on a familiar figure
strolling about two yards in front of my car. A foreign crept into my heart as I watched her, sucking on
what seemed like a lollipop. She moved aside when she saw the car, walking on the side of the road and
absentmindedly she looked at the car before looking straight ahead again. She probably wasn't
remembering the vehicle at all, she probably didn't even think I was around.

Zizipho: Umbonile umntu wakho? (Did you see your person?)

I clenched my jaws as I ignored my sister, not appreciating the mockery in her voice. When we got home
I parked my car and triggered from seeing her, I decided I'd do what I been scared of doing for so many
years, I wanted to go talk to her mother. I informed my mother that I'd be back and took the walk two
streets long from my home. Siyabulela was washing his Gusheshe outside, it's speakers blasting with
Kwaito music, with a smile plastered on my face I shook my head, thinking about how some habits never
died out. He turned to look at me when he noticed someone was present either than himself. Turning
down the volume of the music he stopped polishing the interior of the vehicle and looked at me, smiling

Me: Ntwana

Siyabulela: Wena njandin eyoyikwayo, wena ntwana ntwana wabantwana. Nja ye game (The feared dog,
you boy boy of the children. The man of the game)

I laughed, greeting him like how we normally did it.

Me: Grand ntwana? (Are you okay boy?)

Siyabulela: Ndimnandi boy wena

Me: Ndiyakruqa boy. Ukhona uma o'lady (I'm pushing. Is your mother here?)

He stared at me with a confused expression

Me: Ndifuna uthetha naye ntwana. (I want to talk to her)

Siyabulela: For ntoni? For Vuyo? (For what? For Vuyo?)

Me: (chuckles) haibo ntwana.

He kept a straight face, his nostrils flaring with the sudden anger he was feeling. Knowing even after all
these years I was still at fault I tried keeping my cool, I owed it to my friend

Me: Andifuni Lelo, never again ntwana. (I don't want Lelo, never again boy.)
Siyabulela: Ya ngoba wagqiba ngaye (Ya because you're finished with her)

I straightened my posture and looked at him straight in the eyes

"Andizolwa apha, ndifuna uringa noMa o'lady and that's that."

Siyabulela: Wanya once boy, you do it again and uzobhodiswa ndim (You shitted once boy, you do it
again and I'll kill you)

I nodded, trusting his warning even though I knew he was no match of mine. I'd take him down in a
matter of seconds but he was doing this to protect his family and I understood clearly. I'd also kill if
anyone played anywhere near my sister and mother. He led me to the house and my anxiety started, I
was praying she'd give me a chance to speak. When my boy pushed the door open she didn't look up
from the cup in her hands which she was taking a sip from

Siyabulela: Mama

She muttered a "mhuh" as she finally looked our direction and her eyes drifted from her son's face to
mine and she tensed. I gulped, preparing to greet her when she stood up from her chair still looking at
me she directed the next question to her son

Mam'Lwani: Ufanani lomntana apha kwam? (What does this child want in my house?)

Siyabulela: Ufuna uthetha nawe mama (He wants to talk to you Mom

Mam'Lwani: Phuma. Phuma!

Startled, I just stared at her surprised by the amount of hate she still had for me.

Siyabulela: Mama Hayi! Khamve toro

Her breathing was heavy and her nostrils flared with every breathe leaving them. My eyes never left her
face as I studied the hate she was carrying, I deserved it after all. She threw herself on the seat still
looking at her son like she was going to kill him. My attention shifted from the mother to the young lady
who was standing at the doorway of the passage, with confusion written all over her face

Mam'Lwani: Ukhange ulinge uzojonga umntana kwam ngalomehlo anesono. (Don't you dare come stare
at my daughter in my house with those sinful eyes)

Me: Xolo Mam'Lwani

I managed to say as I averted my gaze immediately from Lelovuyo who was also staring back at me.
Siyabulela looked at me and nodded, signaling that it was cue to take over. Clearing my throat I began

Me: Mama I know akho amount of words I could say kuwe ezinokwenza undixolele for lento ndayenzayo
and andikubeki cala, ndiyayi deserva lendzondo unayo.(Mama I know there's no amount of words I
could say which will make you forgive me for what I did and I don't blame you, I deserve the hate you
have for me.)

I gulped watching her listen to me attentively

"Ngokuz'thoba apha kuwe ndizocela uxolo. Something I couldn't leminyaka idlulileyo kuba bendinexhala,
ndinentloni. Ndizocela uxolo, ndandingenzi ngabom. (With due respect I come to you to ask for
forgiveness. Something I couldn't do these past years because of anxiety and disgrace. I am asking for
forgiveness, I wasn't doing that intentionally.)"

She closed her eyes and opened them, only to look at me with teary eyes which still held the same hate

Mam'Lwani: Ndakucela, ndikucenga as umzali uba yeka umntanam, hlukana naye phantsi kodwa
waqhuba. Umbetha, umthatha apha endlini angalali apha ndingamazi noba uphi xa ebuya umbethile.
Ehlala ngokoyika uLelovuyo. Ndandicinga uzombulala.

(I asked you, pleading with you as a parent to leave my daughter alone but you continued. Beating her,
you'd take her to where I know not off and she'd come back days later, beaten. She lived in fear
uLelovuyo. I thought you'd kill her.)

She stopped for a while, her eyes not breaking eye contact

Mam'Lwani: Ndandicinga ufile and azange uze uzomjonga, azange uze uzobuza noba ngunyana lo wam
uba unjani umntanam. Wamyeka uba afe ogqiba uza apha uzocela uxolo? Ndikuxolela ngasizathu sini? (I
thought she was dead and you never came to check her, you never even asked my son show my child
was doing. You left her out to die then you come here to ask for forgiveness? I must forgive you based
on what reasons?)

I sucked in a breath, wanting to answer but I couldn't, I had no words. Her words stabbed me, they
brought back the memories I wanted to forget. I turned to look at Lelovuyo who was approaching the
table with shaky hands

Lelovuyo: Mama khawumyeke toro, kwadlula (Mama please leave him, it all passed)

Mam'Lwani: Lelovuyo! Lelovuyo ungakhe ulinge ufune undiphambanisa kwam uyandivha mntana ndini.
(Lelovuyo! Lelovuyo don't you dare drive me crazy in my house do you hear me child?)

Lelovuyo: All I'm saying mama is khamve toro uba uzothini (All I'm saying is please hear him out mom)

Mam'Lwani: Makathethe aphume aphele apha kwam (He better talk and leave my house.)

I passed a quick glance at Lelo thanking her. I hoped she read my look when our eyes met. With the
mother's eyes on me again, her shaking hands outstretched on the table I found my lost voice

Me: Bendizocela ukusa uLelovuyo eskolweni. Knowing uyafuna ufunda and umama akaphangele,
Bendizocela imvume yakh... (I was going to ask to take Lelovuyo at school. Knowing she wants to study
and you mother you don't work, I was going to ask for your permission...)

I stopped talking when she slowly raised from her seat and walked towards me. Her right hand made
contact with my cheek sending a stinging pain on my skin. Lelovuyo pulled her back yelling "Mama"
while my friend pulled me back, creating some space between us. I was stunned, not knowing whether
to be angered by the slap or to laugh at it.

She was yelling through a cracky voice

Mam'Lwani: Ucinga uzothenga impilo yomntana, rha damn at, uthatha iadvantage yoba ndingenamali
ucinga uzondithenga undithengele impilo yomntanam. Phuma, phuma... (You think you'll just buy my
daughter's life, sies damn at, you're taking advantage of that fact that I don't have money you think
you'll buy me for my daughter's life. Get out, get out...)

She was still shouting when Sabs dragged me out of the house, looking something between angry and
shocked. I paced up and down, running a hand down my face.

Siyabulela: Kuzobagcono uba ungavaya boy (It would be better if you'd leave)

I stared at the door still shocked at what I was hearing, she was still cursing even when I was out of sight.
I nodded, feeling defeated. I was experiencing the feeling a lot lately, first Aphindiwe now this.

I had just stepped out of the gate when her sweet voice stopped me, making me shut my eyes at her
stupidity. Why the fuck was she following me? I turned around and she stopped when our gazes met.
She gulped dropping her eyes to her feet

Lelovuyo: I'm sorry. We'll talk another day

I looked at her a little irritated by her as well but I nodded anyway before turning to leave.

"Uzohamba? (Will you leave?)"

Me: Ewe.

Lelovuyo: Then I'll need your number

I looked at her unbelievably, her mother just expressed the type of hatred she had for me yet her
daughter was standing here asking for my number. I was about to talk when Siya called her back in the
house arrogantly. She looked at her brother then quickly turned to face me

Me: I'll text you.

I noticed the confused look she gave me but I turned on my heels and left anyway, knowing exactly what
I meant by I'll text her. I was going to text her.

I got back home frustrated and retired straight to my room, I was definitely not in the mood to face
people or make conversations which weren't going to better how I was feeling. I wanted some time
alone to think about everything. I was only trying to be generous, to help, I cared enough to show them I
wasn't that guy anymore. I chuckled, laughing at my stupid thoughts which seemed to be mocking me.
How did I really expect them to just believe that because I was saying it, just like the pain I caused them,
it would take years for everybody to actually have some faith in me but if I expected it to happen I might
as well give. I was leaning against the wall with my head balanced on my forearms, it was aching
painfully making me shut my eyes tightly as I took in the pain which was probably nothing compared to
what a mother was feeling for what I had done to her daughter. I should have been grateful that at least
she gave me a chance to talk, at least she heard me out so the only thing I was expecting was for her
daughter to talk to her mother because I knew she would.

Lelovuyo's POV
To say I was shocked is an understatement, I had never seen my mother that angry. She was fuming,
disgusted and carried so much hatred towards Mihle to even slap him. My mother barely laid a hand on
us, she didn't discipline one by giving them hidings, all she did was to constantly beg hoping you'd
someday listen and understand she wanted what's best for you. I stepped into the house and looked at
her, she was throwing daggers at my brother who looked my way when I walked in

Siyabulela: Hlukana no Mihle wena (You stay away from Mihle)

Me: Haibo akhange abizw...(What, he wasn't called by...)

Siyabulela: Hlukana no Mihle Lelovuyo! (Stay away from Mihle Lelovuyo!)

I opened my mouth to talk but was stopped by the look my mother gave me. I sighed, irritated by the
both of them, I did absolutely nothing here. I started walking towards the passage about to leave the
kitchen when my mother spoke

"Awuzophinda uthethe nalamfana (You spoke to that man again)"

I turned and looked at her, suppressed by the venom her tone carried

Me: Bendingathethi naye kakade (I wasn't talking to him anyway)

Siyabulela: Awuzothetha no Mama kanjalo Vuyo (You won't speak to mother like that Vuyo)

Me: Like what Siya? Huh?! Why am I even the one to blame apha for uMihle uziswe nguwe kulendlu (for
Mihle who was brought by you in this house) ?

Mama: Lelovuyo!

Me: Ha.a mama, Hayi. If it wasn't for Siya I wouldn't have met uMihle, ngabe akazange wandibona.
Ngabe we never dated, ngabe ndiphila a normal life Nam just like all children my age. Ndidikiwe mna
yiyo yonke lento. Akasafani uMihle nakuqala, could you just please allow me to do izinto ngokwam
ngempilo yam! (No mother, no. If it wasn't for Siya I wouldn't have met Mihle, he wouldn't have saw
me. We wouldn't have dated, I could be living a normal life just like all children my age. I am tired of this
whole mess. Mihle isn't the same as before, could you just please allow me to do things my way about
my life! )

Her mouth gapped, she must have been shocked that I was defending him but honestly speaking I
believed he changed all things to my therapist. When she was about to talk with tears forming in her
eyes I continued

"You took me kwi therapy mama for uncedo and I received it. I know both of you guys aniyazi lento
ndizonixelela yona but I attended therapy yam noMihle and we spoke, sathetha. Everything I wanted to
know enzeluba ndizophola he told me, he apologized Siya, something uMihle has never done. He
apologized."

My brother had his eyes on me the whole time, looking at me like I was the dumbest being he has ever
came across. He chuckles ludicrously

Siyabulela: And nyani uyayi believa le kaka uyithetha, uba utshintshile? Huh, usisbhanxa nah Vuyo?!
(And you believe the shit you're saying that he has changed? Huh, are you a fool Vuyo?!)
Me: Andisiso. I was the one dealing noMihle sexually, I was the one being abused by la chommie yakho
so xa ndisithi utshintshile ndithetha into endiyaziyo (I'm not. I was the one dealing with Mihle sexually, I
was the one being abused by that friend of yours so when I say he has changed I know what I'm talking
about.)

Forgetting my mother was in the house, I was only reminded when she called my name, I looked her
way trying to contain the anger I had exploding in me

Mama: Mna mntanam into endingazoyenza kuphisa ngawe kulanja yomntana after ndimbonile
ekubulala phambikwam (What I won't do my child is giving you away to that dog of a child after
watching him kill you in front of me.)

Me: Akandifuni mama. Akandifuni (He doesn't want me mother. He doesn't want me)

Mama: So uzomthethelela ngoku ngenxa yoba ekuthembise ngemali (So you'll defend him just because
he promised you money)

I chuckled, actually not believing my eyes. Was I ever trusted in this house?

Me: Mama you heard him, ucela undisa at school, at Varsity le kudala nawe usithi uyafuna ndiye kuyo
but andina luck ka NSFAS ngoku he's willing to pay for my 4 years (Mama you heard him, he asked to
take me to school, the Varsity you've been wanting me to go to but I am in no luck with NSFAS now he's
willing to for my 4 years). Ndiyanicela, I'll be the first apha endlini to have a degree to graduate. Can we
please just look at the bright side of yonke lento?

Mama: Uba lemali iphuma kula mntana hlala mntanam ungayi skolweni uThixo uzozibonela (If this
money is from that child then sit down my daughter and don't go to school, the Lord will make a plan.)

Defeated I sighed. I knew once she mentioned the Lord's name in between there was no turning back,
she'd preach that naphakade. I nodded, tears flooding my eyes. I was about to turn and walk away when
Siya held my shoulder pulling me

Siyabulela: Sukhala (Don't cry) . Umama is looking for you.

More like throwing my future away I wanted to say. I stepped into my room and felt the tears fall on my
cheeks. I quickly ran the back of my hands over my cheeks, drying them while mentally convincing
myself that I was stronger than this, I needed to remain strong. I laid on my bed, my breathing unsteady
from the sobs I kept choking on. There was only one thing I could hope for now, was for him to contact
me which I doubted he'd do because with the amount of hatred he received from my mother, I thought
he might not want to see me again. It was sad how the people closest to me were taking me back,
forcing me to relive that pain and hate him when in honest fact I was willing to grant him a second
chance at life and move on.

Tenth Entry

Mihle's POV

When I returned from home almost everything I wanted done was complete, the only thing weighing on
me was how my family would be flying in on Thursday for a weeding I didn't want to happen. My mind
and heart weren't even contradicting each other, it was given I didn't want it to go on but voicing out
the opinion that late was impossible. Things were moving too fast I couldn't even think for a slightest
minute without the thought crossing my mind. I had contemplated about calling Nomthandazo every
second I breathed but the coward in me crawled back in, just wanting to run from the problem instead
of expressing it. Maybe I was too scared not just for her but for both our families, my mother who
probably thought she was going to have a Makoti during the weekend. The excitement back home had
my mind uneasy and heart hurting a little because none of them seemed to take note of my attitude
towards the whole situation. My mother did however pay mind to it the time she received a call from
me 5 months ago, informing her I'd be getting married to Nomtha. She questioned, showing concern
which she later covered with a statement of how she understood how I chose Nomtha because she was
a better woman for me. Not a single moment did she want to look into my sudden decision instead she
was happy that I was settling and with a lady more decent.

Back at work I had nothing much to do because in two weeks I would be relocating to Pretoria, having
accepted the contract of course and I was also excused because I was tying a knot in a couple of days.
On Tuesday I visited the shop where I bought all my formal attires, obviously accompanied by
Nomthandazo, her older sister and Nkululeko. We picked out a dark Navy suit for me which I entirely
agreed on seeing it was my style. Since the theme was Navy blue and white she picked suits of those
colours combined for both my best man and the 2 groomsmen, the best man formal wear was however
slightest different. I am beginning to think she was sensing my off attitude towards the whole thing
because every now and then she'd question me about being alright which in response I nodded to. I was
undergoing the emotions which were very much close to making me step back into the world I've left
behind. The resentment I felt towards everything and everyone, how everybody around my space
seemed too happy except for me and none of them ever cared. How the only person I was now able to
express my feelings to was probably somewhere laughing with Andrew. This had to be one of the
reasons I felt it was okay to leave otherwise I'd end up doing things from feeling neglected and uncared
for; and destroying the progress I've made thus far wasn't an option for me. I'd rather run from my
problems like a coward instead.

My mind drifted to Aphindiwe and I snorted, realising I'd probably have to see her tomorrow because I
was attending dinner with the Dabula family, they requested and Nomthandazo wouldn't stop stressing
how important it was for me to be present. I absent-minded ran my middle over the top of the glass,
drawing circles for what seemed like a long time before Nkululeko grabbed my wrist stopping the
motion

Nkululeko: Uyandivha ntwana? (Do you hear me?)

Me: Mhuh?

He studied me for a while before shaking his head

Nkululeko: Uyenzelani le way xa ungafuni bra? (Why are you doing this if you don't want to dude?)

I shrugged, fixing my sitting position on the bar stool

Me: Ukonwabisa umzali (To make a parent happy)

He shook his head again, clearly disagreeing with what I was saying
Nkululeko: Ayikho leway uyithethayo. You know very well ntwana uba ungaringa noMa'Oledi, mxelele
uba awuy'funi leway. (You're speaking nonsense. You very well that you can speak to your mother, tell
her you don't want this.)

I chuckled incredulously, he didn't understand where I was coming.

Me: Uyabona ntwana xa uk'le position yam you'd know. Oko abazali bam benqwenela ubanomnye
unyana ungendim. Tyma sweleke engandazi noba ndingaze ndibe right, whether I'd ever deserve the
title of being called his heir ngoba kaloku ndilingintsa. Ubona umama ekhala mihla nezolo, enikezela that
akasenanyana. The continous meetings held endlini ngooFhaku informing me about how I'm a disgrace
in the family. So uyabona ntwana once you get everything under control and you feel you're winning,
you'll wear a smile noba kunzima ngoba it's the pride they have in you you don't want to lose.

He didn't blink but kept his gaze on me for a while probably processing the information I just gave him.
That was the case, no matter how big the burden was that I was carrying I couldn't disappoint my family
because I had done enough already. I remember when I was a suspect on some human traffick case two
years after making it to Western Cape, two years of being clean, the disappointment in my mother's
voice when she called wanting to know why was I suspected. The pain I felt when she uttered the words
which I still carry in my mind to this day

"Asoze utshintshe Mihle, andiyazi ndamenzani uThixo ngokundithwalisa umthwalo ungaka. (You'll never
change Mihle, I don't know what I did the Lord for him to make me carry such a burden.)"

I remember those words clearly, and the constant feeling of knowing how back home I was seen as the
burden, how if they'd receive a call saying I was involved in a car accident they'd actually want to know if
I had died, some hoping I could because it was better than having me alive.

There was silence between us for a very long time, the only sound was the music in the bar which played
in the background softly and the other voices of some people minding their businesses. He downed his
Castle Lite before cracking the other open, he took a sip and looked at me while placing the bottle on
the counter

"Aphindiwe?"

I swallowed, hating the feeling I suddenly felt. I shook my head not because I didn't want to talk about
her but because I wasn't ready thinking about her. It was ironic because she was the one constant thing
in my mind. Nkululeko continued, ignoring my negative attitude

Nkululeko: Uzothini ngaye ntwana? Ndiyakwazi boy ungenza anything for lamntana. Not long ago
ubusithi she's the one person who has ever loved you through everything, waxolela ulwa nefamily yakhe
lamntana ngenxa ethanda wena uzoqhubeka ngalomtshato ngongathi awuyazi lento ndiyithethayo?
(What about her boy? I know you would do anything for that child. Not. Long ago yoy were saying she's
the one person who has ever loved you through everything, she chose fighting with her family just to
because she loves you and you're to act like you know nothing about this and continue with the
wedding?)

I sucked in a breath which I released slowly while paying attention to the pain in my chest. I wasn't even
sure if it was anxiety or a broken heart but I knew it was foreign to me. I pushed the empty glass away
from me and turned to look at Nkululeko
Me: What's the point boy?

Nkululeko: Ayinguwe lona boy (This isn't you boy)

I chuckled, touching his shoulder which I squeezed while getting up from the chair. It was always funny
how people weren't used to the me I became when I was giving up, they were so used to seeing the
aggressive fighter in me that they sometimes forgot I too had feelings.

Me: Masivaye (Let us go)

He grabbed his beer and we approached the door, leaving the place.

I dropped him off at his own comfort zone before making it back to Belmar where I spent the of the day
either sleeping or beating my head up for being this weak.

The following day, to get my mind off things I stole a few hours at work since there weren't much
activities involving me that day. The only thing I could think of was the supper I was having late with the
family, which was to be repeated again once my family arrives. I placed my head on the table, thinking
about how I could escape this. I didn't trust myself around Aphindiwe, I didn't trust how I'd handle
things. My possession, anger and resentment were above the roof, I knew just seeing her would set me
off. I groaned, pushing my chair away from the table. I collected my stuff along with the bottle of water
on my table and made it out of the office through the passage. I received a few glances whilst making
my way to the Captain's office, I needed to report to him that I'd be leaving early that day but before I
could make it through the door his PA stopped me sharing the information that he had just left the
office, rushing for a meeting. I told her to report on my behalf prior to leaving the office to the parking
lot. I made it to my place and poured myself a glass of raw whiskey immediately after walking in, which I
downed while heading to my room. I placed the glass on my headboard after stepping into the room, I
was in need of a cold shower to ease the tension I was experiencing. I had the muscle strain on the right
side of my neck, running down from the back my ear to the shoulder. I opened my wardrobe and stood
in front of it, my eyes scanning the shelves which suddenly were irritating me as well. My hand was
constantly rubbing the aching part of my neck hoping it'll ease the pain but it was getting worse instead
making me want to rip that part out. I pulled out a pair of black Jeans, scanned the hangers for a white
shirt and knew exactly which shoes I'd pair the outfit with, that was before stepping into the shower
which I spent more time in than I usually did.

I was in the kitchen, leaning against the counter with another glass of whiskey in my hand when I trailed
off my thoughts because of a knock on the door. Knowing exactly whom it was I closed my eyes, trying
to calm the anger I was already feeling. She knocked again making me slowly place the glass on the
counter and head for the door. If I told you I thought I could calm down then I was kidding, just seeing
her smile stirred something unpleasant in my stomach. I clenched my jaws, moving away so she could
step in

Nomthandazo: You look sour and handsome. Uright?

Me: Iqala ngabani xesha le dinner? (What time is this dinner starting?)

Nomthandazo: Qala ngo 6. You didn't forget I asked you uba can we be there before than?

I passed her look full of annoyance and she noticed as she positioned herself on the couch
"Ndiyakucela toro myeni wam (Please my husband) , just for respect."

I gulped, tasting the bitterness of the word she used to address me. I averted gaze from her and looked
at the clock, we had only a short hour to make it to her home. I was assuming she wanted us to be there
20 to 30 minutes early. I took the empty glass from the table and filled it with yet another whiskey shot.
She extended her hand taking the whiskey bottle from the wooden table, closing it tightly as she walked
to the small bar where I stored my bottles

Nomthandazo: You can't afford to get drunk. You know first impressions are important, you always tell
me that.

Me: That's because mna nawe asifani

Nomthandazo: And what's that supposed to mean?

Me: It means exactly what it means

She snorted passing me a look of irritation

Nomthandazo: You are so grumpy sana.

We sat in silence in the lounge, well not complete silence because she kept answering calls and rambling
things I didn't want to hear off. My eyes were on the television screen which was watching back at me,
probably more concentrated on me than I was on it. After the end of her fifth phone call she glanced my
way, a smile on her face

Nomthandazo: Masambe baby (Let us go baby)

I sighed more from exasperation than relieve before removing my butt from the comfortable leather
couches. She took her bag and walked towards the door while I trailed behind her, I wanted to die at
that very moment.

During our drive Phindi was the only thing on my mind, I was sweating with every distance that we were
closing up, just seeing her and not being able to talk to her was driving me crazy. I think Nomtha might
have noticed because she held my hand which was laying on the car armrest and squeezed it, smiling
genuinely at me

Nomthandazo: Uzobaright baby, they'll love you.

I nodded just, ignoring the latter. The first part of her sentence was more valuable to me, I needed to
hear that because I seriously wasn't sure if I'd be alright seeing her.

Our arrival at Bellville had my head spinning, I didn't think they'd be so many people otherwise I would
have called Nkululeko for some company. I took in the people as we stepped into the house walking
towards the lounge, many were ladies between the age of Azola up to some way older than myself.
Nothing of them interested me I needed to see just one person.

Tatomdala: Nyana, molweni Fhaku

Me: Molweni Tata

I took the old man's hand before releasing it and greeting the other elders. By the time I was done Simi
was already in my hands, his head laid on my shoulder. He was getting back but his breathing signified
that of someone who suffered asthma. I took a seat between two men who appeared to be half a
decade older than me and started commenting into the conversations while most of my attention was
on my son. It was the very first time my heart jumped of excitement, being this close to him. After a
while Nomtha came to take him, saying she would be feeding him. I relaxed, blending in with the other
men of the family, a small smile plastered on my face forgetting a little that I was still to see her. That
was right before I felt my heart hammering at the sound of her voice, clenching my jaws I gulped before
averting my eyes from the man who was talking to her cheerful laugh which was coming from the
passage. I doubted she expected me to be there because instantly when our eyes met she came to a
halt, stopping the girl she was walking with arm in arm. She stared right straight in my eyes, hers
carrying worry while I was sure mine held possession and obsession. I broke the eye contact first not
wanting to bring attention to us. I saw from the corner of my eyes how she turned back instead of
walking to wherever she was going, the other lady continued to the kitchen alone. If there was anything
I wanted it was to hear her speak to me at least, I understood wanting to hold her might have been
something bigger to ask so I wasn't going to push it, but just for her to say my name. She was my peace,
when she spoke for some reason everything felt like it would be okay. I had to be patient until late,
Nomthandazo had informed me that there would be a small braai after the dinner, just for the youth. I
wasn't planning to stay but because I wanted to talk to her I was going to hang around for an hour at
least. After a couple of minutes the man of the house called everybody to gather in the lounge. Standing
next to Nomthandazo with my son in my hands I watched her walk into the lounge alongside Azola and
the other lady I saw her with earlier on. She was avoiding my gaze, busying herself on her phone

Tatomdala: Molweni Bhele amahle. BoNtsundwana, MaMlomane, MaMbikazi akuthi. Niyayazi uba
yintoni into esidibanisa apha. Sizovuyisana nentombi yethu, ntombi yam yesbini xa izimanya nalomfo
wakwa Gabavu, uFhaku. (Greeting to the beautiful Bheles. Clan names. You all know what brings us here
today. We are here to celebrate with our girl, my second daughter as she ties a knot with this man from
Gabavu, uFhaku.)

He pointed my way as a way of introducing me. I scanned the room, disinterested by everybody in that
room. My eyes found hers and surprisingly she kept the contact, her eyes glittering from what appeared
to be tears. The more I watched her the more I felt my feet wanting to carry me to where she was
standing, eager to capture those tears when they drop

Tatomdala: So bendizocela umfazi wam asivulele ngengoma then uKay'se uzotsho umthandazo nje
omncinci (So can my wife open with a song then my older brother will say a short prayer)

As the mother started seeing I dropped my eyes from hers finally, she wasn't looking at me anymore but
down at her feet. She was across the room, behind some other people so from where she was standing I
couldn't see her but her face. During the singing I wasn't partaking because I knew no church songs. My
father and mother were members of the Wesley Methodist church, my mother still is but because of
how I grew up I last stepped into church when I was 11 years if I recall nicely. When Nomthandazo's
older uncle started with the praying I found myself looking at her again absentmindedly. She had her
eyes closed which she slowly opened sensing that someone was looking at her. I couldn't help but grow
this lump again as I watched her watch me, I wanted to mouth 'I love you' but parted my lips only to
utter nothing. I watched the panic on her face and I knew something was wrong. She wasn't panicking
but she looked like she couldn't breathe. Her chest, from the limited angle I was looking from, seemed
to be raising abnormally. I knocked Nomtha gently with my elbow trying to get her attention so she'd
take Simlindile from me but she only shook her head, mumbling something under her breathe. She kept
gulping and her eyes were becoming more teary. The panic which consumed me as she moved back
removing the jacket she was wearing

Me: Aphindiwe.

I said in my normal tone. Nomthandazo snapped her eyes open along with 2 other women who sent
confused glances my way. I shoved the baby to Nomthandazo without breaking my gaze from the lady
who looked like she was going to die. She hiccuped a breathe twice before I could get to her before
Nomthandazo was now holding my hand, looking at me with pleading eyes. I looked back at Aphindiwe
and almost choked from shock when she collapsed

"Aphindiwe!"

I know the whole house must have opened their eyes by then, looking at me as I ran across the room
but I couldn't careless. My aim was to get to the girl who was now laying on the floor, whether or not I
was about to be her sister's husband.

Eleventh Entry

Nomthandazo's POV

I almost yelled at him for paying more attention to his ex lover than he was doing to his child, he
couldn't even look back to see whether his child was comfortable in my arms or not. I almost caused a
scene until I saw Azola's face grow horrific as she stared at Aphindiwe's body, she choked a sob which
she covered with her hand. By now the praying had stopped, uTamnci, my father, mother and some
other adults were surrounding her. Mihle had stopped in his tracks, his gaze not breaking from her body.
Dabawo started praying while kneeling besides her with my mother. I gulped as I walked towards where
she was laying and there were tears that pricked my eyes as I watched her body shake during the
process of having fits. I wasn't crying because I carried hurt for her, yes I did because no one deserved
that, but I was crying because she looked like she was dying. Her body wouldn't stop shaking rapidly and
it looked scary. Utata stood up and held Azola in a tight hug, she was the loudest crier endlini and was
making a havoc. Utata turned her away still holding her against his chest. My baby boy was crying
suddenly, sensing the negative energy in the house. I paced my gaze around the house, from Aphindiwe,
whose body was in the process of stopping the shaking but her eyes were still rolled at the back of her
head, straight to my husband who still held his gaze on her rigid body now. I took cautious steps, my
body covered in goosebumps and heart hammering against my chest. I don't know whether she was
dying or not but the horror in Mihle's eyes made me want to turn and look at her again but I couldn't
stomach the image. I've never seen anybody die before so I couldn't watch any longer. I finally stood in
front of him and gasped as I watched his eyes holding tears. He was clenching his jaws, standing there
lifeless as someone who had just collapsed with Aphindiwe.

Me: Baby
I whispered but he didn't break his gaze from her body. I wanted him to look away for his sake but not
even touching his arm was helping. I laid against his chest unable to contain myself; the horror in his
eyes, my son crying, the cries and screams in the house and uTamnci continously begging his daughter
to wake was making me weak, I felt like my head was spinning and I too was losing my breathe.

Dabawo: Uyaphefumla, uyaphefumla!

When uDabs screamed that everybody's eyes dropped to her body and she was breathing but still
looking a little too abnormal in her situation. Mama was screaming for someone to give her a cushion
which she placed under Aphindiwe's head. I turned and looked up at Mihle's face again, he was still
looking at her and the anger and an emotion I couldn't quite read which showed in his eyes scared me.

Me: Mihle

I whispered. He gulped, his nostrils flaring with every breathe. I touched his arm and was surprised when
he flinched, pulling away from any type of contact. In a broken voice he addressed me not even looking
at me

"I need some air."

I watched him leave and understood that he really need some air, in fact we all did because what we
just saw freaked all of us out.

After our mothers moved her from the floor to the bedroom utata insisted we pray to cast out the evil
spirit that was lingering around us. Oomama were still in the room with Aphindiwe, praying as well.
After that short prayer we left the men of the family in the lounge addressing my uncle who appeared to
be devastated from almost losing his only child. The mood changed Instantly around the whole yard
affecting the dinner that was so well planned. I stepped outside bumping into Sivu and Lulo

Me: Guys anikamboni uMihle? (Haven't you guys seen Mihle?)

She pointed towards the direction of his car before continuing to walk towards the house. She was
another one who broke easily, more than Azola. She had a good heart according to mother because no
matter what she was put through she never came about hating on anybody. Shaking my head, finding
her unstopping breakdown unnecessary, I made my way to Mihle's car. He was indeed inside and the
doors were locked. I knocked on the window hoping he'd open but when he didn't I knocked again, a
little too loud this time. Only after my forth attempt did he unlock the car. I looked at him not looking at
me as I climbed inside

Me: Bendizojonga uba uright nah? (I came to check if you're okay?)

He kept quiet, still staring hard at the windscreen while his thumb absentmindedly drummed on his
steering wheel. I kept quiet waiting for him to speak but a minute passed without him opening his
mouth

Me: Sele kuzophakwa (They're about to dish up) you need to come inside and eat.

He didn't move a muscle instead inhaled loudly making me shiver in fear. I don't know what was keeping
me there but I wanted him to see that I was trying, that I cared even when he looked like he would cry
any time for another woman.
"Mihle."

Mihle: Nomthandazo please marn, please.

Me: I just wanted to see...

Mihle: Get out!

I was cut off before I could finish my sentence, he was now glaring at me with the most dangerous look.
I opened my mouth to protest when he leaned forward, hovering over me he opened the door on my
side before pushing me out. I tried balancing but he continued wanting to get rid of me like some
rubbish.

Me: Mihle just wait!

Mihle: Get the fuck out of my car Nomthandazo! Phuma.

I was about to speak but the lump growing in my throat stopped me, I couldn't even utter a single word.
Feeling tears pricking at the back of my eyes I stepped out of the car and harshly threw the door, cursing
in between. I lifted my hand up to my face, wiping the tears which had just left my eyes. I didn't even
want to look back at him because I was aware he wasn't going to call me back, he was sulking about a
girl who almost ruined us. I walked into the house and straight to my room, avoiding eye contact with
any other person in side the house. I closed the door and leaned on it, I thought I was strong, not going
to cry but when I choked on a sob I was aware, slowly seeing the picture very clear. It was obvious that
he no longer loved me because if he did I wouldn't have been feeling like I did a few days before my
wedding.

Aphindiwe's POV

I woke up to a very blur vision, I was feeling faint as I tried sitting up, blinking so I could bring a clearer
image to my eyes. Just as I attempted balancing on my arm a hand laid on my shoulder gently and I
looked at the woman, uDabawo I barely even knew

Dabawo: Lala sisi, awuzokwazi uvuka ngoku awunamandla (Sleep child, you can't wake up now you're
too weak)

Me: Uphi utata? (Where's father?)

My voice was weak and shaky but at least she heard me. Just before she answered Mamomdala walked
in, holding a glass of water with something on her other hand. My father followed behind her looking
like he had just cried not long ago.

Tata: Nhanha

I smiled, seeing some light in his eyes. He cupped my face, kissing my forehead

Tata: Uzivha njani? Uright? Nhanha?

I chuckled looking at him

Me: Ndicela amanzi (Can I have water?)

He nodded, passing a quick look to Mamomdala who rushed to stand next to the bed handing me the
glass of water with shaky hands. I gave her a small smile and took the glass, my hands doing the same
motion as hers but mine from weakness whilst hers were probably from fear.

Tata: Uxhuzuliswa yintoni? (What's giving you fits?)

Me: David?

I whispered, removing the glass from my mouth. I held it on my lap and stared at the door, waiting for
my father to repeat himself. I was seated on that bed still waiting for the right time to question them
about why I was there because I couldn't remember but when my father asked me that question I knew
exactly what had happened. If I didn't mention it to you, that was my third time having fits in the past 2
weeks and the second it scared the crap out of me because of how Luthando was explaining the whole
situation. I ended up visiting a doctor and guess what, due to the accident I had the previous year, the
stress and less eating I was having seizure disorder. When my father repeated himself I looked up at him
and the worry visible in his face made me sigh

Me: I have seizures

Mamomdala: Heeeh uqala nini? (What, since when?)

I looked at Mamomdala then passed my glance to Dabawo before it landed to my father who looked at
me with a face so frightening. His eyes were calculating as if sensing that I wanted to lie.

Me: Two weeks back

Tata: Awandixelela?! Awaxelela noMfazi lo kamkhuluwa?! (And you didn't tell me? You didn't even tell
my brother's wife?!)

Mamomdala: Bhuti hlisa umoya kaloku Bhele, isagula lentombi (Calm down please Bhele, this lady is still
sick.)

He shook his head, placing a hand on it. I almost furrowed my eyebrows at his childish action til I noticed
that he was really worried

Tata: Do you know how much danger you could have been in Aphindiwe? Do you know the dangers of
keeping such things away from your elders?

I nodded opening my mouth to speak but he beat me at it

"List them."

I almost choked on my spit from wanting to speak and laugh at the same time. He couldn't be serious. I
was half weak and he wanted me to list dangers of keeping secrets away from him. He was watching me
between narrowed eyes prior to walking towards me, rubbing my head and kissing it

Tata: Don't ever do this again.

Me: Okay

Tata: You promise?

I nodded, mastering a real smile for him

Tata: Thetha (Speak).

Me: I promise Tata.

Mamomdala was looking at us with a wide grin on her face.

Mamomdala: Sana lwam, next time ndicela uthethe nam, ndinguMamakho apha okay? (My child, next
time please talk to me, I am your mother here okay?)

Me: Alright Mamomdala

"Ina ke sela lento ke, izonceda ngamandla (Here drink this, it'll help with strength)"

I took the spoon she was giving me and examined the thick liquid on it, Dabawo laughed making me look
at her.

Dabawo: Likhala nontombi (It's Aloe child)

Me: Khala! (Aloe!)

Tata: Sela sela, ndifuna sihambe siye kwa Gqirha and check what's the cause yezi seizures. (Drink drink, I
want us to go to a doctor and check whahsbtje cause of these seizures)

I gulped the liquid and suddenly felt like I was going to puke the whole shit out. Dabawo handed me the
glass of water I gave to her not long ago. I drank, still shivering from the awful taste of this medicine. It
tasted like shit and what was annoying was how the taste in your mouth stayed much longer than it
actually should. Dabawo said something making me laugh but the ugly look on my face still remained.
This wasn't the Dabawo you guys know about, this was their younger sister, a lady of 43 years and more
vibrant. She was the last born Kwi female group, followed by two other men.

They finally left the room leaving me to rest but that wasn't before David told me I needed to get my
strength back so we could get going. I wasn't going to fight it really because he was going to drag me to
the doctor anyway. I laid back on the pillow and allowed myself to drift to sleep without bringing a single
thought about all the emotions I felt before fainting.

The following day I did a lot of sleeping. I was looked after like a baby and my father took me to the
doctor as promised. He later lectured me that Thursday about my eating problem, and I had to lie about
my studies saying they were the cause.

Friday morning I was standing in front of the mirror looking at my put together outfit, Azola was
standing behind me, brushing her weave. We were going to town; her, myself and another cousin sister,
to help fix the waist and curve areas of my dress. I had lost some kilos so my dress was a little loose for
my liking, it was meant to hug my body perfectly and not look like a sack.

Azola: Sisi ugcwele kuso sonke esispili (Sis you're full on this whole mirror)

Me: Ha.a kunini nawe ugqibile uhlamba but you aren't done yet (No how long have you done bathing
but you aren't done yet)

Azola: Blame that on umama ke.

I giggled, passing her glance as I stepped away from the mirror to my handbag.

My wig was hung in the wardrobe ready to be worn, all I had left to do were my toes and nails then I
was ready for the big day. My heart ached every time I came to think of it but I was getting used to it
because the days of my stay there it was the only thing I was hearing. Nomthandazo was glowing but
something seemed off about her, maybe the bridal nerves were kicking in since she was only a couple of
hours to saying her vows. We stepped out of the room when Sivuyisiwe peeped through the door,
telling us she was leaving. We were driving with her since she too was going to get her hair fixed.

The drive was less than 15 minutes since the mall we visited was the one around the area

Sivuyisiwe: If anikho ready by the time I'm done, ndiyanishiya, you guys will call a cab.

Azola: Doubt it, sizogqiba kudala (we'll finish first)

She stuck out her tongue, her heels clicking against the beautiful tiles in the mall as she walked the other
direction. We first dropped off my dress and the only thing needed were my measurements before we
retreated to the salon. What was convenient about salons in the malls was the number of clients. There
weren't any long queues or stuffy smells, it was always just about 3 or 4 people and the aircons were
running bringing the fresh air to inhale.

It took us a long 3 hours before everything was done and still Sivuyisiwe wasn't finished. She was out
and about the mall, entering every shoe shop because she suddenly felt the need to change her heel. I
watched her fit the third shoe at Eldo prior to her turning to face us. Uninterested on the shoe on her
feet I looked at her

Me: Vhuvhu your brown heel is right nje. Why ufuna uyitshintsha? (Why do you want to change it?)

She gave me a bored look, turning to Azola who had her elbows digging on her lap while she carried her
face in her palms

Sivuyisiwe: Guys kodwa

She stomped her feet, dragging her body to sit down

Azola: Kodwa bra nawe, why ngoku kodwa dude?

Sivuyisiwe: Ha.a ukhange ulinge undibize kanjalo (No don't you dare call me like that)

I burst into laughter, studying the look Sivu was giving Azola as she addressed her. She was really
shocked by the terms Azo had used

Me: Can we go? Iright Nyani la heel, apha you're bound to waist your money.

Fikiswa: And remember usagula uApish.

She looked at me and faked a smile, the one she always did when she was annoyed

Sivuyisiwe: Alright but I promise you guys.

Me: Haisoka, akhonto ewrongo ngala heel.

I held her hand which was pointing at us and dragged her towards the exit, my arm hooked over hers.
We made the last stop at Spur for some ribs and milkshakes before heading home.

The wedding was being held at Lagoon Beach hotel and I was excited to see the place because people
who knew about the hotel spoke good of it. I was getting used to crashing at hotels since I moved to this
place, if it wasn't trips then something else was being hosted at the hotel. When we arrived home
everybody was packing, other groups had left already including Nomtha who kept making phone calls
reminding everybody not to forget some of her things. We only left the house around something to six
in the evening even though we had started running up and down packing the cars at 4.

Arriving at the hotel we were divided into our rooms and told to freshen up before heading for the pre-
party. I heard during the small talks that the men were staying on the upper floors and knowing he could
be there made me wonder how was his mood because I was dying to kill him and see him. The shorter
the hours to the wedding the more I seemed to be getting sick but I didn't want to be the center of
attention once again so I collected the very last strength I had in me and continued smiling.

I decided to take a nap alone in our room when the other girls left, I was thankful because none of them
insisted since they thought I wasn't fully recovered from two days ago. I was still drowning in my sleep
peacefully when my phone vibrated next to me, disturbing me from the comfort of those white sheets.
Groaning, I patted the bed until my hand made contact with the device but prior to answering the it
stopped the noise. I opened one eye and looked at the screen, whilst in the mist of trying to figure out
the number it rang again

Me: Hello.

Pure Silence, making me move the phone away from my ear to look at it again, the seconds were
counting on my screen showing that the lines were still connected

Me: Hey

"MaMbhele."

I stopped breathing, thinking that maybe I was dreaming. I didn't think he'd contact me right before his
wedding, we haven't spoke for over 3 weeks, this marking the forth one. I been wanting to talk to him so
badly but I couldn't stop trying to convince myself that I deserved better than him, so I had to stay away
from him but it seemed the more I forced it, the stronger these feelings were getting.

Mihle: Aphindiwe please ndicela ungadropi. (Aphindiwe please don't hang up)

Me: Ufuna ntoni? (What do you want?)

Mihle: I'm from the dinning hall, discovered you aren't there. I'm alone in my room can I see you?

Me: Awuzokwazi (You can't.)

Mihle: Please MaMbhele, there's something important I need to tell you.

I kept quiet, listening to my heart which was longing for him while my mind was almost swearing at me
for being so weak. I gulped, and as if reading my mind he answered the question I didn't ask

Mihle: And ndithe ndizolala so they won't know you're here.

Me: But they left me sleeping here

Mihle: You could anywhere in the hotel Nhanha.

Me: For how long?

Mihle: Huh?

Me: Are we going to talk. For how long are we going to talk?

Mihle: Just ten minutes of your time.

I kept quiet again, thinking about the decision I was about to make. Dropping my feet on the floor I
looked at the door and heard him sigh on his side

Mihle: Maybe if I die then....

Me: Die?

My voice was coated with fear and anxiety. And he chuckled making me roll my eyes at his stupid joke,
he didn't just joke about death.

Me: That wasn't funny.

Mihle: Khawuze (Just come)

Me: Ten minutes?

Mihle: Ten minutes. Room 508

I ended the call and left my phone, grabbing the access card as I left in my socks to his room. The whole
hotel floors and rooms were covered in a beautiful rug so I didn't see it need to wear some sleepers if I
was just going a floor up. Presuming I could find some people we came with in the elevator I used the
stairs, rushing to get to his room before anyone saw me. I stood at the door and checked the hallways
before mentally reminding myself I was only there to talk and for ten minutes. After my second knock he
swung the door open and stepped aside slowly, allowing me

Me: Hey

I said, taking in his room which was much larger than the others I've seen. Well he was the Bachelor
after all and it was his money

Mihle: You look nervous

Me: Not at all

I said with my hands held together in front of me. He walked towards me, cupping my faces and tilted it
so I'd look at him.

Mihle: Don't be.

He placed a kiss on my nose before stepping back. I turned around my eyes following his figure as he
walked towards the couches which were in the area I assumed to be a small lounge. He sat, pointing the
couch opposite him
Me: Wanted to talk

Mihle: Hlala kuqala (Sit first)

I sat and looked at him. His face was perfectly shaved, his hair black and trimmed too fine. He leaned
back and looked at me with narrowed eyes, a thing he'd do when he's annoyed or angry but the softness
they carried alerted me that he wasn't feeling any of those negative emotions.

"Don't ever do that to me again."

Me: Do what?

Mihle: Almost dying on me.

His nostril flared and his voice softer like he was really begging me. I felt my heart jump at this type of
attitude until I remembered this was the same man who put me through the hell I was currently living in

Me: What did you want to talk about?

I asked, my eyes leaving his face. I heard him shift before he spoke

Mihle: I'm sorry.

I looked at him and almost nodded but I didn't want him to think a sorry could get him out of this
trouble.

Mihle: I wronged you, I feel like I took advantage of your love.

Me: Are you talking about the wedding or Odwa?

Mihle: Fuck this wedding, it's the least of my worries. Ndithetha ngala ntwana yakho (I'm talking about
that guy of yours)

Me: He's no more now.

He inhaled and kept it in for quite a while before exhaling.

Mihle: Did you really love him?

Me: Is that your biggest worry?

Mihle: No. My biggest worry is that maybe you'll never be the same without him and I've taken that
away from you. My biggest worry is seeing you die with him.

I gulped, breaking eye contact again.

Mihle: I was angry Bhelekazi, I was furious and at the moment I couldn't think

Me: Not even about me?

I felt the words punch me in the stomach. They were so simple to say but the meaning they carried cut
deep through my heart. He opened his mouth to talk but I stopped him

"You could have at least thought about me. What everything was going to do kum. You could have
thought about me if you cared Mihle."
Mihle: I care...

Me: Suxoka mani! Why are you like this? Why unje?

I betrayed myself freeing the tears I thought I was going to hold back til I left this room. He stood up and
knelt in front of me, with shaking hands he took mine in his

Mihle: I didn't bring you here to make you cry. I think I've done a lot of that by now. Ndicela undijonge

I blinked, letting other tears drop on our hands. He freed my hand and held my chin between his index
finger and thumb

Mihle: I wanted to give you something.

My breathing was uneasy because of the pain I was feeling in my heart. More of it was from how I'd be
losing him for good in hours time, he would no longer be mine. He pushed himself up and pulled me up,
drying my eyes with his thumbs ruining my makeup of course. He walked me gently towards his suitcase
and let go of my hand, opening his case he searched through it and turned, holding a beaded band with
the colours pink, purple and blue. I looked at the band then back at him

"I'll explain later what it symbolizes, nantsi eyam (here's mine)"

He showed me his, it had the same colours but his pink was replaced with a red. I absentmindedly
traced the one around his wrist with my thumb, he was watching me attentively

Me: Ayinamthi lento? (Doesn't this have umuthi?)

He laughed a little too loud for the sad moment we were having

Mihle: userious?

I nodded trying not to smile.

Mihle: No, it has my love though. Your wrist?

I looked between the two bands for a while before putting out my wrist. He tightened it, gentle enough
not to hurt me before taking my hand and kissing it.

Mihle: Ndiyak'thanda (I love you.)

I nodded, not trusting myself if I'd say the words too without shouting at him or questioning his
dangerous way of showing his love. He leaned forward and grabbed my face, kissing my hungrily that I
almost lost my breathe. I stood on my tippy toes, grabbing his t-shirt to bring him closer to me. He
picked me up, my legs instantly encircled around his waist as the kiss deepened. I pulled back, trying to
breath a little. When I dropped my face on his shoulder he tightened his hold on me and whispered
words that made my heart stop functioning

"I'm not getting married."

I pulled back and looked at him with eyes as big as roll-on balls, he couldn't put us in this situation again.

Me: Mihle
He shook his head, his face as serious as it would ever be. He wasn't joking, his face held so much
confidence while I was dying knowing that my family was probably going to replace this wedding with
my funeral.

Twelfth Entry

Aphindiwe's POV

He dropped me, studying the sudden shock on my face when I didn't want to continue with the kissing
anymore. I was beyond surprised. He was taking this whole lightly and I honestly couldn't do anymore of
that. My family was going to kill me. Calming my nerves I watched him pour himself a glass of grape
juice he took out from the bar fridge situated between the two brown doors of the small wooden
cabinet. He was so relaxed it amused me

Mihle: Could you say something because you been looking at me like ndiphambene.

I opened my mouth to talk but couldn't exactly find the right words. I shook my head with my eyes
closed, he was so unbelievable

Me: Mihle yima, you're canceling the wedding ngoba?

He leaned on the glass table and looked at me between narrowed eyes. He watched me, his breathing
steady as he slowly tilted his head to the side and continued watching me

Me: Khawuthethe toro (Please talk)

Mihle: Ngoba ndiyafuna (Because I want to)

Me: Hold up big guy, and then how is Nomthandazo going to take that, the family Mihle. Umamakho,
Tatomdala, you know these people don't like you anymore and you are busy doing such things.

As I continued grumbling he walked over to where I was standing, leaving the glass on the table after
taking a few sips. He placed his index finger over my lips, shushing me from talking

Mihle: Deep breaths baby, phefumla (breathe)

I inhaled and exhaled, satisfying him before taking hold of his forearm and moving away from him. He
was trying to calm me so he could work his way on this one but it wasn't going to work, I was terrified of
the outcome. I didn't get too far stepping away from him because he suddenly encircled his arms around
my waist, resting his chin on my shoulder

Mihle: Jonga, calm down.

Me: But this won't go down kakuhle

I whispered, fear evident in my tone. My heart was hammering against my chest. The fact that I made a
promise to only stay there for 10 minutes had slipped my mind, I couldn't even be thinking of that right
now.
Mihle: I know it won't, but it's a matter of a couple of months bethetha ngayo then they'll stop. I won't
leave you, no matter what it takes

Me: Ngoba?

Mihle: Because I love you Nana

His thumbs were rubbing my cheeks gently as he locked his eyes with mine, waiting for me to answer
him. I gulped, feeling emotional

Me: But how do you even know it's worth it ude uyeke utshata? (for you to stop the wedding?) .

Mihle: Until you stop breathing it'll be worth it.

Me: Ayikho lonto (There's no such a thing)

He chuckled, moving closer to me covering the distance between us. He crashed his lips on me, softly
this time. I accepted his kiss, wanting to stay like that for even a longer time. He pulled back, smiling at
me.

Mihle: Mna I know ikhona.

I smiled, snuggling my face on his chest. His scent filled my nostrils, making me blush. He was rubbing
my back in gentle motions, making me tighten my hold around his waist. There was satisfying silence in
the room whilst I listened to his heart which was beating normally like he wasn't about to crash a whole
wedding.

Me: Fhaku?

"Mhuh?"

I moved back away from him, looking up at him

Me: Uzoyenza njani? (How are you going to do it?)

Mihle: You'll see.

He let go of me and walked towards the table which had his glass of juice

Mihle: And it won't involve you.

I breathed out a sigh of relief, he smiled almost wanting to laugh

Mihle: Nana ujola nomastermind, your father is a lawyer and you are to be a lawyer. You need to think
fast and act quick

Me: Haisoka, you can't be expecting that from me ngoku

Mihle: I am ngoba they might just ask you about this ngomso, and I'm not expecting you to give away
that you know anything. Cover your acts.

I eyed him with wide eyes, he wasn't serious. He chuckled, licking his lips in between.

Mihle: Hamba before they know you're here.

Me: Fuck, you're right. Inoba ndihleli over ten minutes here.

Mihle: An hour.

Me: What?!

He laughed, holding my hands in his.

Mihle: Ndiyadlala (I'm joking)

I nodded, standing on my tippy toes to kiss him. He moved back, smirking at my confused face

Mihle: Uyekile uqumba ngoku wafuna ikiss? (You're done being angry now you want kisses?)

Me: Which reminds me, Hayi (no)

I attempted pulling my hands free from his but he held me tighter, pulling me closer to him. He placed a
long kiss on my forehead before lowering his lips to mine, where he gave me another baby kiss before
gesturing towards the door with his head

Me: I'm still mad ke kodwa

Mihle: I know and I'll make it up to you.

I stood by the door and turned to look at him, he had his arms folded over his chest, his gaze on me. I
leaned against the door and smiled at him, my hand still holding the door handle.

Mihle: Hamba (Go)

I shook my head playfully while trying not to blush which I was currently failing at that moment. He
walked towards me, his look turning from cute to a very lustful one. He caged me between the door and
himself and leaned in, his lips finding my neck. I closed my eyes and threw my head back giving him
more skin to trail his kisses on. He licked and kissed his way around prior to finding my lips, just
immediately when my body was starting to react. He pushed his tongue in my mouth and I got weak on
my knees, he leaned in, picking me up against the door. My hands were under his t-shirt, touching the
skin I so missed. My dress was now sitting on my waist, I was aware of this because his hand made
contact with my thigh before he ran it from there to my butt. He found the material piece of my g-string
panties which was situated between my butt cheeks and moved it aside before one of his fingers found
way to my wet opening. He mumbled something between gritted but I couldn't make out what he said, I
was only paying attention to the butterflies which were heavy on the lower part of my stomach. He
pushed in a finger and I moaned on his lips, I could feel him smile during the kiss as he pushed in a
second finger making me bite his lower lip. He broke the kiss and watched me. I was biting hard on my
lips enjoying the pleasure his fingers kept doing every time he pulled them out and pushed them in
again. He lowered me and I almost screamed from excitement when I felt his hard manhood against my
panties. I missed him so much my body wasn't telling a lie. He pulled out his fingers and stepped back,
making me open my eyes and look at him

Me: What's wrong?

Mihle: Ixesha (Time)

His eyes were still scanning my body, lingering more on my legs as I fixed my dress. I jumped from where
I was standing, holding his hand which he was bringing to his mouth

Me: Baby Hayi!

He sucked on the fingers which were inside me not long ago laughing, I stepped back looking at him
disgusted

Me: Fuck you are disgusting.

Mihle: Language Aphindiwe

I gave him a blank look, looking at his lips which he was licking after removing the fingers from his
mouth

Mihle: I go down on you, it's no different.

Me: Haisoka it is, you don't lick inside.

He leaned forward and planted a baby kiss on my pouted lips, I opened the door and scanned the
passage before stepping out. I received a spank from him accompanied by a wink before he closed the
door. Finally realizing that there was no time to be blushing like a crazy woman I sprinted across the
passage to the familiar stairs.

Once I stepped in front of the door of the room I calmed myself and searched my jacket for the access
card. I stepped inside and dropped my body on the comfortable white-sheeted bed, I was smiling
sheepishly whilst staring at the band on my wrist. Whatever it symbolised didn't really matter to me,
what mattered was how he was wearing a matching one. I was still enjoying the moment, reminiscing on
how the kiss felt after such a long time not having it when the door swung open, revealing Azola and
Fikiswa, alongside with Zizipho and Mila

Azola: Usukaphi? (Where are you coming from?)

Me: Mna?

I asked, sitting on my butt.

Zizipho: Abantwana were complaining uba wena awukho eroomin and uhamba nez'tixo (The kids were
complaining that you're not in the room and you left with the keys)

I smiled, wanting to laugh at the term she used to describe ooAzola. She always thought of herself as old
even though it was just a 2 year gap between herself and I

Me: Aren't there 2 access cards kanti? I presumed there were since I left nesi

Azola: Ubuphi? (Where were you?)

I moved from the bed when Fikiswa came to sit next to me, I was aware my dress probably smelt of him
since his cologne lingered on my clothing every time I had contact with him. I opened my suitcase and
pulled my dress over my head, searching it for something more casual to wear.

Me: I was just around the hotel, checking the place and all. Ndisuka naphandle (I'm even from outside)
Zizipho: Nyani? (For real?)

Me: By the pool side.

Azola: Akhange utye kengoku (You didn't eat)

Me: Let me do room service it's fine. Andithi Nomtha said everything is paid off

She nodded, brushing her weave in place in front of the mirror. I wore my pyjama shorts and the
matching vest before sitting next to Fikiswa to make the phone call to the restaurant. After placing my
order I ended the call and turned to face the girls who were discussing what they were going to wear for
the pre-party.

Zizipho and Mila weren't sleeping with us, they had a room of their own which they shared with other
females zakwa Gabavu but since we were of the same age group they decided we'd chill all together. My
guilt returned when I heeded they were excited over something that wasn't even going to last. I was
wondering how he was going to pull this one off without making it look bad. Was there even a possible
way though? How could he not even be bothered by the money he was going to lose, the wedding must
have cost him hundred thousands of Rands since Nomthandazo wasn't the type to settle for simple. I
sighed, closing my eyes in the process. I just wanted to sleep some more, being the only who knew what
was going to happen wasn't helping me feel any better even if this was being done for me.

After picking out the outfits and showering I still wasn't feeling better. You know by now that doing
makeup and dressing up was my thing; a way to lighten my mood but this time around it wasn't
working. I sat on the bed staring at my pedicured toes and shaved legs.

Fikiswa: Are you okay? You look down, do you feel sick futhi?

Me: Kancinci but ndizobaright

She nodded before leaving my side into the bathroom again. Azola wouldn't stop talking and going on
about how she invited some of her friends for the party and they were close so she had to get ready so
they wouldn't need to come up in the room.

Me: Do you think they venue even has people yet?

Azola: Haibo obvious, but nje a few.

Me: All these potential men who will be there, we need to look our best

Azola: Hayi badala ababantu (No these people are old)

"Heh!!" both Fikiswa and I exclaimed. She was really into this trap of dating varsity boys only, I think she
had adapted it or her sisters might have installed the idea in her, making her think it was a good thing.
Well knowing Nomtha and Sivu they were very much capable because kubo we were kids.

Azola: Haibo guys

She cracked laughing while I clapped my hands, not believing she just said that.

After what seemed like forever we finally made it out of the room to where the party would be held. It
was a grand hall, decorated beautifully, in gold, navy and white. The main colours were navy blue and
white, then gold worked as an extra touch. There wasn't much decorations in this hall because
apparently it wasn't the one which was going to be used the following day as the reception area. There
was already a number of people occupying the hall, others holding what appeared to be small cuts of
sandwiches whilst others were holding glasses. We made ourselves comfortable and grabbed what we
wanted to drink. There was a variety of fruit punches and since all of them looked delicious I settled for
the strawberry one, aware that if I drank all of them like I wanted to I'd be dead by tomorrow.

After an hour or so the hall started getting packed, people arriving in couples and other as crowds.
Everybody who stepped in would go to Nomthandazo for a short hug and conversation, others were
pointed her direction and these were the people I presumed didn't know her but came through
extended invitations. They all spoke to Nomtha because Mihle was nowhere to be found and I was
beginning to worry, wondering if he had already started his plan of not getting married tomorrow.

Zizipho: Uright sisi, Hayi kudala ulaqaza (Are you okay sis, hey no you been looking around)

Me: Ndiright.

I nodded, assuring her and not answering the latter. I been lying a lot lately I was scared I would get
caught. After another hour Mihle finally walked in, alongside Nkululeko, Kwanele and another guy. I
giggled, admiring Nkululeko in formal wear. It was weird seeing him looking like that, he was always in
jeans or Chino pants. My eyes checked out the whole squad before they landed on Mihle's who was
already looking at me. I kept my gaze til he averted his, looking away at Nomthandazo's direction. She
was walking towards them with another lady by her side, smiling as she approached the gentlemen. I
turned my head away, not wanting to bring attention to myself from the ladies I was sitting with. After
Azola's group arrived we welcomed them in the circle, a group of both girls and guys. I'm sure by now
you know the type of people Azola chilled with, the hip hop type of guys who wore sneakers and gold
fake watches, well I figured not all of them owned Rolexs. I knew I wasn't the only one unimpressed by
their presence when Zizi and Mila snorted, giggling afterwards. They were big at gossiping, inoba
babehleba nam lo ngamanye amaxesha.

There was a light skinned guy who showed interest towards me in a friendly way, his appearance was
the same as that of his buddies but his personality was beautiful. We were talking, laughing and maybe a
little too close to each other because with the loud music, laughs and voices of people gathered around
we couldn't hear each other half of the time. He was sharing a story with me about some event when
my phone vibrated on my hip

Me: Sorry, can I take this.

He nodded, watching me as he sipped from his bottle

"Hello."

"Hayi (No)"

Me: Sorry?

Recognizing the voice when the person spoke again I turned on my seat and looked his way, he was
looking handsome as fuck on that seat, looking at me with a serious expression

Me: Ndenzeni? (What did I do?)

Mihle: Andiyifuni lento uyenzayo (I don't want what you're doing)

Aware what he was on about I defended myself

Me: Kodwa we are just...

Mihle: Hayi (No)

I turned from my seat and faced the guy who raised a brow at me.

Me: Okay xolo

Mihle: Jika (Turn)

Me: Baby ha.a

Mihle: Aphindiwe

I stomped my feet, shifting on my seat as I turned again to face him. He stared at me with Nkululeko
who looked at his best friend and smiled, looking at me again

Me: You'll get me caught

Mihle: (chuckles) awulogwala. Suka kulontwana (You're a coward. Move from that boy)

The seriousness in his voice brought back the feeling that he probably didn't trust me around any guy
after the Odwa scandal. From the look he was giving me, he was waiting for me to obey him. I nodded
and he smiled, winking at me prior to removing the phone from his ear. I turned and faced the guy,
clearing my throat

Me: Let me go to bathroom real quick okay

He smiled, busying himself on his cellphone. I didn't want to go to the bathroom but I felt that was the
politest way I could get rid of him because I planned to speak to someone else when I returned.

We barely slept, only getting a chance to nap for 2 hours before we were woken to get ready in the
morning. If it weren't for the stress I was having now that I was no longer drunk then I'd be paying
attention to the terrible hangover. I sat on the bed trying to act as normal as possible but I just couldn't
shift the bad feeling I was having about what would happen that day. Viwe walked out of the bathroom,
a bath towel around her body

Viwe: Sisi hambo hlamba, haibo (Sis go bath)

Me: Uphi Azola? (Where's Azola?)

Viwe: In the shower

Me: I want the shower too.

She nodded, removing the towel as she prepared to moisturize her body. I took my phone and stepped
out the balcony, I wanted to make sure I wasn't the only one nervous about that day. I rang his new
number and almost cursed out loud when it sent me to voicemail. I checked my blacklist and removed
his known number from the list but when I tried to call that one too it sent me to voicemail
"Ndiphumile Phindi! (I'm out Phindi!)"

Azola shouted from inside. Sighing I stepped back into the room and watched the girls

Azola: Awutyhafe (You're so down).

Me: Ndinyiswa yi hangover (I'm being fucked by this hangover)

Azola: Wena nothuka (You and cursing)

Me: Yhoo ha.a ingathi ungutata.

She laughed smacking my back as I passed by her on my way to the bathroom. During the shower I tried
convincing myself that nothing was going to happen, this was another way of Mihle trying to play with
my heart. It was better if he played with mine rather than someone's he promised to marry right?

I stepped out of the shower and took time with my makeup not because I thought I had all day to fix up,
but you know the drill, I didn't want anybody to get ready because I knew what was coming. I kept
telling myself he was fooling me but knowing Mihle, that probably wasn't the case.

By the time I had finished, people were running up and down, looking stunning and smelling good. Azola
came in for the third time in the room, dragging me out so we'd go take pictures all together in
Nomtha's room

Me: Akukaphunywa to the venue?

Azola: Nope, Nomtha is not even done yet but uyagqiba when I left she was about was about to dress.
Make up done

I chuckled nervously as I walked beside her to the elevator. Nomtha's room was the floor above ours, as
well as other rooms which belonged to other grown people. When we stepped into the room I was
surprised to see it was similar to Mihle, in size and the interior design. She must have picked them
herself, it was evident she wanted everything of theirs to be different from others even a simple hotel
rooms. I refrained from rolling my eyes, agitated by the thought on its own. My eyes took a glimpse at
her and she was beautiful, the dress hung her body so perfectly she looked incredibly goddess. I
watched as everybody was taking pictures of her, wanting her to stand and sit at the same time. Others
were jumping in besides her featuring in the images. I watched, hating myself for knowing so much
while they all didn't. I traced the band on my wrist with my other free hand, my stomach churning from
being so nervous.

Mamomdala: Ngena Aphindiwe mntanam, waske wama nje apho (Join the other Aphindiwe my child,
you're just standing there)

Mamomdala exclaimed excitement coating her tone, when every sister and cousin I knew off was
standing around Nomthandazo taking pictures with her. I stepped closer to the group, though feeling
out of place I tried making myself comfortable. If Azola was close to me she would have pulled me in but
the girl standing next to me was too concentrated on herself and the lady next to her. After a few shots I
stepped back and took my phone from out my clutch bag, being worried I again tried calling him but his
phones were still off.
A number of people left the room leaving behind mostly family. After what seemed like a thousand
pictures being taken there was a knock at the door, another cousin swung the door open and Kwanele
stood at the doorway looking a little troubled. As if I knew he was here to deliver the news my heart
dropped to my tummy before he even spoke

"Uhm ma'am, akekho uMihle apha. (Uhm ma'am, isn't Mihle here?")

Nomthandazo: Hayi kaloku ebengazokwazi uba apha (No he can't afford being here)

He cleared his throat, rubbing the back of his neck with one of his hands

Kwanele: Akekho roomin yakhe and isuit yakhe has been laid out on the bed but akekho. (He's not in his
room and his suit has been laid out on the bed but he isn't there.)

Nomthandazo: What do you mean akekho?

Kwanele: Bendiyojonga uba uready nah then ndafumana room yakhe locked, ndabuyela after a while
only to find abasisi ba cleanayo besithi the room was empty when she came in for cleaning and that was
about an hour ago. (I went to go check if he was ready then I found his room locked, I went back after a
whole only to find one of the cleaners saying the room was empty when she came in for cleaning and
that was about an hour ago.)

She held her dress and stood up dramatically from the chair

Sivuyisiwe: Haibo he could be anywhere, just try calling him.

Nomthandazo: Sivu khandineke phone yam (Sivu please give me my phone)

Kwanele: Zi off sisi wam (They're off my lady)

She shook her head not wanting to listen to what Kwanele was saying. Everybody in the room had gone
silent, looking between Nomtha and Kwanele. I was looking at Nomtha, worried for her to be honest.
She removed her phone from her ear and placed it back again after having pressed it much. Her reaction
made me wonder how many numbers of his did she have. I knew he had 2 before the one he used to call
me, but they second one hasn't been working for a while now so I'd be shocked if she was trying his new
number. That would only lead me to one conclusion, he has also called her with the number. So much
for feeling special right. She shook her head again, realization finally hitting her

Nomthandazo: Sivu ndicela ubiza umama (Sivu please call mother)

Sivu stepped out of the room and returned after a while with not just Mamomdala but a few other
elders. Nomtha was at the edge of crying already, she was trying to act strong as she kept trying to reach
Mihle for what seemed like the 12th time.

Nomthandazo: Mama uMihle akekho (Mama Mihle is nowhere to be found)

Her voice was shaky and full of worry and sudden panic

Mamomdala: Sukhala kaloku sana lwam (Don't cry my daughter)

And that had it that's when she started crying. She had started ruining her makeup with the tears, she
had her hands over her head ruining her hairstyle too. People were around her trying to stop her from
crying but it wasn't working, instead they were making the situation worse. Zizipho was standing next to
me, amused by the scene in front of us, she kept trying to get hold of her brother as well

Me: He won't pick up!

I said irritated, causing her to pass me a quick glance filled with amusement. I was annoyed because
they kept calling him and I think by now it was clear that he wouldn't answer any of his calls because
they were off.

Me: I need some air.

Just as I retreated to the door, I stopped in my tracks because of the sound of my name called by
Nomthandazo. I turned around slowly, sensing trouble as I faced her and the other hundred pairs of
eyes on me

"Uphi uMihle? (Where's Mihle?)"

Me: Intoni? (What)

I mumbled, my voice refusing to come out fully. I wasn't a suspect in this as well now could I be?

Nomthandazo: You must know where he is please mntasekhaya just tell me. Uphi uMihle? Uphi?!

She had her hands on my shoulders, shaking the life out of me. I felt this disturbing knot grow in my
tummy, I was going to lose it but I had to stay strong, fainting in this type of situation would be taken as
an excuse. I shook my head multiple types, an attempt to show her I knew nothing about his
whereabouts

Me: Andimanzi. I swear I don't. I have months not talking to him

Dabawo walked towards us and held Nomtha from the back, asking her to let go of my shoulders which
she was holding dearly as if her life depended on it. She freed me, turning to look at Dabawo and her
mother who was crying. That was before she broke into a loud wail herself. I stumbled back, wanting to
lean against the wall or balance on something. I was a hypocrite the moment I searched for my phone in
the clutch bag and tried calling him again after having told Zizipho to stop trying to reach him. What I
wanted was for him to come through and explain to these people that I had nothing to do with any of
this because some of the people who were still looking at me showed clear disgust. I knew not all of
them knew my story but since she asked me amongst all people in this room, it was clear to calculate
what was happening. I reached the door, opened it and stepped out, Zizipho following behind me. She
held my wrist stopping me from walking

Zizipho: Awumazi Nyani uba uphi? (You seriously don't know where he is?)

I shook my head, the pain of missing my mother returning. I knew I was going to cry when I opened my
mouth to talk but couldn't utter a single word. Zizipho enveloped me in a warm hug, whispering

"Ndiyakuthemba mna (I believe you)"

I allowed myself to free the pain and cry, it was better than bottling it up. I cried even though I knew
that wouldn't bring her back. After calming down I pulled back from Zizipho's embrace and looked at her
Me: I need to find my father

She nodded, holding my hand as she walked me towards the lift. My aim was to tell him I wanted to
leave that place. The place which forever reminded me that if I didn't find love and support from the one
person who was now missing then I'd never find it anywhere else because even my mother left me to
fight the battle all by myself.

Thirteenth Entry

Nomthandazo’s POV

I sucked in anther breath, trying to stop myself from crying but it somewhere appeared impossible to
even stop for a second, the pain he put me through was unbearable. It’s been almost two hours since
we couldn’t get hold of him and my mother was still holding the slightest hope, trying to convince me
that maybe there was an explanation to this. My supposedly mother in-law was kneeling in front of me,
her hands on my knees as she begged me to stop with the sobbing. I just wanted all of them to leave me
alone so I could think straight. I brought the already soaked toilet paper to my eyes and attempted
wiping them dry aware that it probably left some piece of itself on my face because it was too wet to
hold together. I blinked, releasing another river of tears which this time around I wiped using my hands.
I been sitting on that chair, oblivious to my butt and headache aching, all I was doing at the current
moment was listening to my thoughts. How could he? There was only one reason for his change of
character; a woman, and damn right I knew who so blame me for wanting to hold her accountable even
when I had no proof. I gulped, dropping my eyes to his mother who looked at me with pleading mother
eyes. She always had a soft spot for me, from the very first time I walked into her yard back at the
Eastern Cape, she grew fond of me. She always told me that from the way her son looked at me, she
knew he had found love and I was the one. Where did all that go?

Me: Mama, ndicela a moment please, on my own.

She nodded, passing a glace to my mother who was hovering over us with her hand on my shoulder.
Mihle’s mother stood up, fixing her Navy dress and pushing her bare feet on the push-ins scattered
across the floor-rag. She gave me a straight smile before leaving me to talk to the other ladies around
the room.

Mama: Mntanam (My child)

She gave me a look full of questions, I just nodded, assuring her that she too could leave. I wanted to be
alone. I sat on that chair and waited for every single person to exit the room. They all did except for
Sivuyisiwe who stood at the far right of the room and looked my way

Sivuyisiwe: Nomtha

I stood up from the chair and carried myself with the little strength I had left to the bed. I opened the
sheets and sat on the soft bed which even couldn’t be some comfort in the situation I was in. Sivuyisiwe
walked around the bed until she was standing on my side as I removed the heels

Sivuyisiwe: Uxolo mntase

I shook my head, not wanting to hear any sympathetic remarks anybody.

Me: Ndicela uhamba (Please go)

She looked at me silently for what seemed over a minute before nodding, fixing the duvet which only
covered my legs. She pulled it up, covering my white dress up to my stomach, sighing she stepped back
and turned her back towards me retreating to the door. I laid there, crying over and over again until I
felt I had no more tears. Some cries were better than the others; some others were soft, only allowing
my tears to flow without a sound whilst other had me choke on a sob which I later covered with my
mouth not wanting to let anybody know I was still crying. As I laid there it all hit me, the embarrassment,
the shame, the pain and constant lies he put me through. It was up until that day that I starting
understanding why my father never approved but I forced things regardless. It was only then reality was
hitting me in the face like a bucket full of ice thrown in my face, he was never good for me. I was too
hung up on the first two years of our relationship that I ended up forcing things, hoping they’d go back
to old time. The times before we lost a child, the times before he cheated, the times when I was tired of
his cheating and instead of leaving I stayed and only threatened my way into the relationship. I should
have knew it was going to damage things more, I should have understood the type of man he was and
left because now I was laying on that bed feeling like I couldn’t live anymore. He knew me in and out,
and with every single time I tried to force myself into him, he gave me exactly what he knew I wanted,
satisfaction. I hated myself for thinking it was genuine, for thinking it possibly meant there was a still a
chance for us. There was no chance; all he kept doing was giving me the satisfaction I wanted just to
shut me up. Just to keep me away so he could continue seeing her. He pulled an act in everything he
knew I wanted, the support of my pregnancy, the support of the birth, the support of growing Olakhe.
The way he went about it was smart, smooth and clever, the way he accepted the proposal of us getting
married but he knew very well it was going nowhere. It was as though he plotted everything up until this
last minute because all these other times I couldn’t but now I hated him.

I laid there staring into space, I felt numb to an extent that I couldn’t even feel time pass. My legs were
tramped but I had no strength in me to shift in the position I was laying on. A part of me died that day.

I was still laying on the bed when there was knock at the door, distracting me from my thoughts of
agony. I, however, didn’t avert my eyes from the bouquet I been staring for what seemed like a lifetime.
Sivuyisiwe stood next to the double bed with Azola besides her

Sivuyisiwe: Umama uthi masizokujonga (Mother says we must come check up on you)

I nodded, closing my eyes shut to prevent the tears which I felt coming. It was funny how when I was
alone I had stopped crying but suddenly when I had company I looked weak.

Azola: Is bhuti Mihle still not answering his phone?

I snorted, balancing myself with my elblow as Sivu nudged Azola, passing her a quick glance which I
presumed was because of the question she just asked me. I sat on my butt and scanned the room with
my painful eyes, I needed my slippers.

Me: Akhange nizibone iziliphasi zam? (Didn’t you see my slippers?)

Azo shook her head while Sivu walked up to the wardrobe and pulled out hers instead then handed the
pair to me. With shaking hands I took the shoes and slipped them in my feet before standing and
walking towards the door. They silently followed after me.

I headed straight to the elevators and my mind was only thinking of one place and that’s where my feet
were taking me. I heard them mumble some words between their teeth but I couldn’t careless what
they thought, none of them knew the type of pain I was feeling. I was surprised to hear voices as I
approached the reception venue. I was thinking nobody would be there, I was thinking the place would
be closed down awaiting the bride to decide what needs to be done with it. There big brown doors were
already opened, giving access to whoever wanted to get in. I took the last breath to calm my shaking self
before I walked in and my eyes scanned the beautiful decoration. Exactly how I wanted it to be,
everything was in place just the way I had expected it. The chandeliers which hung perfectly from above
complimenting the lit candles on the long tables, it was beautiful. I walked between the tables, touching
each and every glass chair I passed. My mother, his mother, Dabawo and the two décor ladies were
standing where I should have been sitting, all their eyes glued on me. Umama walked up to me as I
approached the table

“Nomthandazo uyaphi sisi uright? (Nomthandazo where are you going my daughter, are you alright?)”

I was staring pass her, wanting to at least sit on that chair before I asked them to destroy their
hardwork. She stepped aside, making way for me to pass and I did, climbing the stairs to the table which
held huge letters “MR & MRS” above it. The faces they held were of worry, maybe they were scared I
was going to break but I was done crying, I knew I was done the minute I stepped into the venue. I sat
on the chair with a faint smile on my face. I scanned the empty room and with every single detail I took
in my hate for him grew, it was becoming bigger and stronger. I sat there for over five minutes before
finally collecting all the courage to say the words I thought I wouldn’t say

Me: You can remove everything.

One of the decoration ladies nodded, rolling her long sleeves up to her elbows. She was ready for work.
Standing up I sighed loudly, wiping the last tears I ever cried for him. If he wanted to play dirty then I
was going to give him dirty, perhaps he forgot I held all the information which could have him sentenced
for life. I was done with the begging, it was time for him and his mistress to play the part.

Aphindiwe’s POV

After the whole wedding scandal the two families and friends left their separate ways. We drove to
Bellville while his family went back to whichever hotel they were sleeping at. Mamomdala had invited
his family over for supper and that got Tatomdala furious, he wasn't pleased with her gesture of trying
to be friendly. If he wasn't a respectful adult he would have confronted her right there in front of
everybody but he asked to speak to her aside. Everybody seemed furious by the stunt Mihle pulled,
from his own family to complete strangers who wasted their time coming to this wedding. The drama
was on everybody's mouth, they couldn't stop talking about even during the ride back to Bellville. I was
riding in Sivu’s car with some cousins, and they wouldn't stop labeling him with all ugly names they
could come up with. I cringed at every bad word said to describe and I just sat there and listened
because I couldn't defend him. I wasn't allowed to. I knew he had a reason and maybe if they too looked
deep into things they'd know nobody just acted that way out of nowhere, there had to be a reason.
Once we arrived at home we made ourselves comfortable in the bedroom after unpacking our bags
obviously. I, however, left mine unpacked because I wasn't planning on staying. We were seated in
Azola’s room, as a number of 7 females. They were going on and about, still talking about how
unbelievable Mihle was. I wasn't doing much talking, I had nothing to say nor agree to. I wasn't happy
that he put someone through such pain to be with me but if he wasn't happy what else could he have
done? I pulled the flees blanket closer to my chest as I went through my old pictures in my phone, they
seemed more interesting the topic held. A knock at the door distracted them, causing all of us to look
towards the doorway where a female cousin appeared

“Aphish ucela uthetha nawe uNomtha. (Aphish Nomtha is asking to speak to you.)”

Me: Nam?

She nodded, stepping away from the door and leaving it slightest opened. Azola passed me a knowing
look, she was the only one who knew as much as I did. What was shocking was Nomtha and I never
spoke, under any circumstances ever since what happened. She never said the simplest hello to me, I
could spend a whole month under the same roof as her and she'd pretend I was invisible, now for her to
be calling me sent suspicions. I walked to her room and laid my head against the door listening to the
voice inside before knocking. I wanted to know she was alone. A low hello and I pushed the door open,
taking cautious steps inside incase there was an invisible electric Lazer she wanted to use to separate my
feet from my ankles. She was laying on the bed, typing furiously on her laptop

Me: Kuthwa ubufuna undibona (It's said you wanted to see me)

She nodded, still typing on her laptop which she slowly closed after a few seconds. She looked at me,
from head to toe a couple of times before sighing

Nomthandazo: Are you sure you're not seeing uMihle anymore?

I shook my head slowly

“No.”

Nomthandazo: Good.

She opened her laptop again. I stared at her with knitted eyebrows.

Me: Ibiy’lonto qha? (Was that all?)

Nomthandazo: No Dearest sister. You know I sense you kulento uMihle agqibo yenza but if you say you
haven't been seeing him then I can't hold your evil self against anything right.

I was dumbstruck. I kept wondering what she was up to because her sudden mood change concerned
me. I stayed rooted on that spot hoping she'd speak again rather than kicking me out. And as if she read
my mind, she continued

“He chose you over everything so I have every reason to blame you.”

She shrugged her shoulders, fixing her sitting position with her laptop still on her lap

Me: No he didn't choose me (pause) if he did ngendimazi uba uyephi.

Nomthandazo: Or do you know?

Me: I just told you ngendiyazi.

She gave me a fake smile, her eyes dropping to the band on my wrist. They way she looked at it I
thought she knew something about it but when her eyes returned to meet mine I figured she was
clueless. She tilted her head to the side and stared at me like a crazy woman, a grin on her face. I raised
my eyebrows at her, not liking her weird stare which was beginning to creep me out

Me: We done right?

Nomthandazo: Yep.

I turned on my heel and headed for the door which was just two steps away. When I was about to open
the door she called my name, I turned and faced her

Nomthandazo: You must tell you selfish boyfriend that I'll destroy. Inoba ulibele that I know every little
detail about his human trafficking game.

I knew my breathing was suddenly too high when I felt heat in my ears. I was going to explode. She
turned her laptop so the screen was facing me and pointed it with her nail, making the tap tap sound

Nomthandazo: You see this document here, it's got everything there is to know. And I'll post it.

My mouth opened slightest but no words came out. What could I possibly say to her? Beg her not to
post it, I mean I just lied and said I wasn't seeing the guy. I couldn't do anything else but just nod while
my heart was hammering against my chest. She smiled

“Ungahamba (You can leave)”.

I opened the door slower then before and stepped out of the room. My mind was all over the place, I
felt I was suffocating from how my heart was contracting. I knew she wasn't lying, my gut knew this
wasn't one of her foolish games, she meant what she said. I had to get to him. There was only one
person I was hoping would give me direction. I needed to see ubhuti Bulelani before it was too late.

I rushed back to the room and almost stumbled over the door, forgetting they were people inside. Azola
looked at me as she stood up from where she was seated

Azola: Ebesithi? (What was she saying?).

She whispered, leaning further towards me

Me: Wanted to know if I was still seeing Mihle

Azola: Oh. And you aren't right?

I shook my head, paging through my phone. She held one of my hands stopping me

Azola: Hey uright?

Me: Ewe I just need to make a quick call to a friend evha, ndiyeza (I'm coming)
I stepped out of the bedroom and made way to the bathroom but stopped midway when I heard
Nomtha speaking in her room through a shaky voice. She was crying and yelling. I don't know why but
my feet wouldn't carry me no longer towards the bathroom but to her room. I checked the hallway
before leaning forward, doing exactly what I did about 10 minutes ago. I could make out that she was
talking to Dabawo and I was shocked at how angry and hurt she sounded, wasn't she the bold one not
long ago

“Xola kaloku Mambhele. Bendicinga elacebo lizosebenza. Andiyazi kuske kwathi (Sorry Mambhele. I
thought the plan was going to work. I don't know what happened suddenly) “

Nomthandazo: Nam Dabawo, Nam. Ucinga inoba uyayazi uba samsa kuTatoMputhi ngenxa yoba… (Me
too Aunt, me too. So you think he knows we took him to TatoMputhi because…)

Dabawo: Ha.a Mambhele akayazi

I pressed my head further into the door, if it could swallow me it would have. I was curious, what were
they talking about. Who was this man

Nomthandazo: If he'd know angadibulala (if he'd know he'd kill)

I was still listening when I heard the Sivu’s bedroom door opened, I pretended to be on my way, slowly
making way to the bathroom. An older cousin walked out heading down the passage to the lounge.
Scared that I almost got caught I hesitantly shifted the idea of going back to her door and learning what
it was they were talking about. She sounded genuinely scared, she was frightened. I made a mental note
that I was going to ask Mihle about the man. I walked into the bathroom with my phone pressed against
my ear, the other line rang twice before a lady answered the phone. I cleared my throat hoping she
wouldn't take this the wrong way

Me: Can I speak to Nkululeko?

“Andikuvha! (I can't hear you!)”.

I stepped away from the door and whispered a little louder

Me: Ndicela uthetha noNku (Can I speak to Nku?)

I heard her mumble some shitty words under her breath before she called Nkululeko’s name. My eyes
were glued on the door, waiting for anybody to walk in. I heard Nkululeko cursing on the other side
about why she threw him with the cellphone, he said a few swear words and I prayed he'd answer the
phone already, I didn't have all day.

Nkululeko: Hello

Me: Thank God. Nku, we need to talk

Nkululeko: Aphindiwe, and then skhiphani? (Aphindiwe, and then what's wrong?)

Me: Uphi Mihle? (Where's Mihle?)

He kept quiet for a few seconds before clearing his throat

Nkululeko: Ebethe uzokuxelela ubuya kwakhe (He said he'd tell you when he comes back)
Me: I need him ngoku!

I covered my mouth, hoping nobody was eavesdropping on the other side of the door.

Nkululeko: Ngoba? (Because?)

Me: Please call him toro and tell him to call me, it's urgent. His life is on steak apha.

Nkululeko: Heeeee kwenzeka ntoni? (Heeee what's going on?)

Me: Just tell him to call me please. Ngoku.

I ended the call and sat on the toilet seat, waiting for my phone to ring. I had locked the bathroom door
in case anybody wanted to come in. One minute, two minutes, three and four passed and still there was
no call. I kept on glancing at the screen of my phone though I knew it would ring if anybody called. I was
about to ring Nku’s number again when my ringtone went off, my screen flashing a private number on it.

Me: Hello

“Nana Nku says you want.”

Me: Uphi? (Where are you?)

Mihle: I'll tell you Friday ubuya Kwam. I don't have much time, ubuzothini?

Me: You need to come back

Mihle: Why are you whispering?

Me: Are you even listening to me?

Mihle: Ewe Mambhele but why are you whispering?

I rolled my eyes at his ignorance. I mean I expected someone as smart as him to have figured out why I
was whispering

Me: You need to come back.

Mihle: Okay, but why?

Me: Nomthandazo is writing some post about you and the fields. She's going to post it.

Mihle: She did what?

It was only then I realized I might have put her in danger. The venom in his tone scared me, it rushed
blood straight to my head making it difficult for me to think. He chuckled dangerously before cursing
then I heard something break

“Babe please calm down, please Fhaku. You just need to do something.”

Mihle: Oh I definitely will do something.

He spat back, making me shut my eyes. He was sounding more angrier than 2 seconds ago.

Me: But please don't hurt her, I think you've done enough of that.
He chuckled, again not the type of charm chuckle I enjoyed hearing. This was the one which brought
back the memories of Odwa’s death. It sounded just the same as that one he kept doing as he
interrogated us and it sent a bad vibe instantly.

Mihle: I love you.

I was not given a chance to respond because he ended the call. With a gapped mouth I stared at my
phone. The fear I started feeling took me back to two months ago. He didn't sound too good and now
that I was familiar with that type of anger he had I knew nothing good was coming from this.

Fourteenth Entry

Mihle's POV

I couldn't believe my ears as I searched through Facebook, browsing through Nomthandazo's wall. It had
occurred to me that maybe she might have posted it on Twitter but she knew me better than to test me
that way. Frustration wore over over me as I saw nothing again, this was my forth time on her page in
the last 20 minutes. I stood from the chair and paced around the room. I trusted Aphindiwe and knew
she couldn't be lying to me, the panic in her voice made it evident that she was worried for me. I cursed
again, throwing a punch at the wall, I did hate myself at that current moment for ever falling in love with
someone so toxic. She was once a good person, a very loving girlfriend but after that very one mistake of
cheating she showed me the real her. Never again was she the same and never was I ever happy with
her. I stuck around because of guilt and I only hoped I'd manage to mend what I broke but it appeared
the more I tried the worse she was becoming. She even went an extra mile and cheated too. She was
fierce, arrogant and loving, that's what attracted me to her but again she used those things against me. I
chuckled, running a hand down my face. I really wanted to fix us but we were at a point where we just
kept doing each other wrong. Our intimacy wasn't for love anymore but pleasure. We moved from being
so in love to her threatening to spill the beans about my illegal business. I knew I had to keep her happy
no matter what because I trusted she would, she never feared dying as long as her enemy was suffering
too.

All of that changed when I started falling for Aphindiwe which I never planned on doing. I knew I was
hooked when I wanted to see her every single day, not once or twice but the whole day. I almost forgot I
had Nomthandazo's attitude to nurse and now I was in trouble. Exactly what Bulelani hated about me,
acting and only facing the consequences afterwards. He always preached that I should think things
through and not act on impulse because it always fired back. I gulped, checking Facebook again. I knew
if there was anything which went up someone had to contact me and ask me about it. My mind drifted
to Aphindiwe who was probably very angry at me for not telling her where I was. I was already in
Pretoria, settling in for the training which I was to start with on Monday but that was something I
planned telling her when I returned for the weekend. Our relationship was always tested and every time
it was she felt it was okay to walk away. What made me furious more than anything was how vulnerable
she was and it was something she didn't know about herself or maybe she did but was ignorant towards
it. She became so vulnerable when hurt that she always found comfort in another man's arms, the
whole damn time. I was scared to be honest that she'd do the same thing, find herself a toy boy while I
was in Pretoria. I thought her shit with Andrew was the worst she could have done to me but when I
discovered she willingly fucked her ex boyfriend, gave him something I feared taking from her actually
tore me. You might be thinking that I was okay but I wasn't, I never healed from it but I tried not feeding
on the thought. I wanted to forget it but I couldn't, it was highly impossible to forget about something
that had you kill someone. The times I've seen her after the scene always brought back the thought and
I wanted to address her but I couldn't because she was in a state where she didn't want to talk to me
then. Now that she was back in my life, we had to discuss this. I am not the type to speak about my
feelings but Bulelani urged I do, my therapist of 5 years ago advised I do it. Apparently it heels a lot, and
I wanted to try it out. Speak to her about the very time I discovered she was raped to the day she
decided to give herself to Odwa. I wanted her to understand I was bruised by her actions because clearly
she didn't understand what she was doing to me. I inflated so much anger within, much more compared
to what I had when she was messing around with Drew. That was something I felt I could deal with,
given that I had some sure gut that they weren't fucking, maybe kissing here and there but definitely not
fucking. But with the Odwa guy I knew it, I knew she had to be doing something even more with him the
second time she went back. I mean why wouldn't I think that; the first thing that got her in trouble with
that guy was sucking his dick, I knew it had to be more than that the second time I caught them
together. I was honestly fighting my anger, the type of anger which made me unsure of myself around
her, I feared I would hurt her. I knew I couldn't trust myself when I had to gather whatever angering
thoughts I had in me in that hotel room. As she spoke to me the thought couldn't leave my mind but I
kept pushing it aside, reminding myself that wasn't the reason I had called her in that hotel room. We
had to speak and I needed some serious training to keep calm before the weekend.

I sat on the bed staring at the phone in my hand. I rang Nkululeko and set the phone on loudspeaker
while my fingers and eyes were glued on my laptop. He answered, earning my attention

Me: Ntwana, I need a favour

Nkululeko: Per usual. Smoko?

Me: Ndizoku'thumelela something. I want you to hack accounts

Nkululeko: Ezingaphi? (How many?)

Me: About 2

Nkululeko: Ezikabani? (Whose?)

Me: Uzokwazi uyenza by today? (Will you be able to do it by today?)

He snorted, obviously annoyed by the fact that I was hiding the identity from him. He was bound to
know though, he was going to be the one going the job

Me: Nku?

I questioned when he didn't answer me

Nkululeko: Ya ndizokwazi (Yes I'll be able)

Me: Ugrand? (Are you okay?)

Nkululeko: Ya, bukele lebhola, indlala ububhanxa nale Pirates (Yes, I'm Watchung soccer, Pirates is
playing shit)
I chuckled, shaking my head in disbelief. He made it sound like he was having relationship problems. I
ended the call and decided to take a tour around the area, it was the only thing I could do which was
going to help ease the tension.

The week passed by perfectly. Nkululeko managed to hack Nomthandazo's Facebook account and there
weren't any posts, on Twitter we couldn't find her which made me think she probably deleted the
account. I was however still on the hot seat, waiting for her to pull the stunt at any moment. It dawned
to me that she probably thought it through; understanding the type of trouble such behavior was going
to get her in. I wasn't really shaken about going to prison, I've been there more than once but what did
bother me though was how long I'd stay if I went back. It was the thought of throwing away all the
progress I've made for myself and walking out of jail with nothing in hand, not even a family. I feared
poverty but losing my mother and sister was the worst for me. I was wild aware that if I ever went back
to that hell hole my mother would disown me, probably forcing Zizipho to cut any type of
communication with me. My mind wandered over to my family and I almost rolled my eyes when I knew
the disappointment they felt had towards me at that very moment. I had made it worse by disappearing
on my wedding day. It made me wonder if any of them worried that I was maybe abducted and killed, I
mean none of them had the number to reach me on so they had to think that maybe I was in some sort
of trouble. My previous simcard was thrown somewhere in my laptop bag and I was planning on putting
it back in my cell phone after at least 2 weeks, and that's when I was expecting the endless messages
and calls once they all knew I was available. I've been keeping contact with my dearest girlfriend, and
every day we spoke she demanded answers, wanting to know where I was and obviously curious as to
why I wouldn't tell her.

I checked I had everything I needed in my bag for just the weekend before zipping it close. I won't I
missed the Western Cape already, my whole life was there. I had to keep reminding myself that I was in
Pretoria for work and not for any leisure time, I was there to train the young soldiers and be trained as
well for a much better level of work. During the week I had reunited with 3 other soldiers whom I
trained with the very time I started being in the Navy, these were the guys Aphindiwe had met at the
Opening Function. Only one of them happened to know that I was on the list because he was also part
of the team. At least I wasn't the only one from my side because our team had sent two others, the ones
who left before me. Chris, an old friend, had offered to drop me off at OR Tambo International Airport
so I was sitting on my bed waiting for him to come knocking at my door. The following weekend they
were having a braai and asked me to be part of it which I told them I'd think about, I didn't want to relax
too much forgetting why I was there.

My boy came and we drove with another young mate, whom I learned was just on his second year here.
Chris and I discussed the training which we'd be part of the coming week, this was the type where a
group was assigned to each qualified soldier and you had to train them, the physical and practical. I
didn't understand why captain picked me for this one because I wasn't patient at all, I wasn't the type to
be an educator but because he believed in me so he kept saying, he sent me here. Obviously the people
who were assigned were the people on the senior levels and Chris was also one of them but he,
however, was part of the Army. We had our little discussion and he was filling me in about the work, the
fun and obviously the ladies. I couldn't help but feel a little too off when it came to the ladies part, not
because I couldn't cheat, I could but there'd be no thrill in that relationship. A part of me knew I'd
always be having Aphindiwe in my mind even with another woman's lips on mine. We arrived at the
airport an hour before my flight, that giving me some time to check in. Seated at the waiting area,
having a can of Play I checked the time, there was only ten minutes left for boarding time and people
who were eager already had formed a line. I examined the line while pulling my phone out of jeans, I
dialled Aphindiwe's number. It sent me straight to voicemail and I thought it might have been the
network so I tried again but to no avail. I sent her a message hoping she'd receive it before my landing.
On my way to the queue I threw the empty can and copied what everybody else was doing. My flight
was at 17:35 which meant I'd land at 19:20 if there wasn't any delays caused by the weather which
didn't look good.

By the time we landed in Cape Town Nku was already at the airport waiting for me with Themba. I
wasn't expecting them to be there without me having to push them with endless calls, looks like they
finally got some discipline the past week.

Me: Ntwanas

Nkululeko: Yes Bhuda, ugrand? Ngoku ndicinga uzoza neeway apha (Yes Bhuda, you good? I actually
thought you'd bring some girls with)

Me: Tsek.

I chuckled, shoving him away before giving Themba the manly hug we did. He chuckled, shaking his head

Themba: Akasoze. Uba akadliswanga ngulamntan'akhe kwazi yena (He'd never. If he wasn't given a love
potion by his girlfriend only he knows)

Me: Nawe uk'leway ngoku (You're also part of this)

We made way to Nku's vehicle, once seated I tried calling Phindi again, I hit voicemail once again. I was
getting annoyed, she knew I'd be coming even though I didn't mention what time but she knew I was
returning that day. I tried mingling in the conversation with Nku and Themba but all I could think of was
Aphindiwe, I swear I was going to lose it if we drove by her place and she wasn't around. During the ride
my boys filled me in about the progress they were making with closing the fields but we were still having
challenges obviously, it wasn't easy closing a place with abducted people. I went about getting links as
far as KZN just so we could be on the clean side but the job was going to take over a year to be done.
With the money I had saved from the business I happened to be not so proud off ever since the incident
ka Aphindiwe, I planned to open a club with. I was used to making extra money on the side I couldn't
just depend on my salary alone.

We parked in front of the residents Aphindiwe lived in and I stepped out, followed by Themba who had
a cigarette in his mouth, putting it on fire. He leaned against the car as he pulled the first satisfaction
from the stick

Me: Ndiyajika (I'm coming Back)

He nodded. I stepped towards the gate and was relieved to see the security on duty was the man whom
I bribed twice but he knew me by now, all he'd do is nod or we'd exchange a short greeting. I haven't
been in this place since the time I found them gathered in the lounge discussing the death of their
friend. I wasn't even sure if she was inside but I hoped she was, for her sake. I ascended the staircase
and approached the familiar door, there was music playing from the inside and laughs which echoed
from where I was standing. I lifted my hand and knocked, backing away so whoever opened the door
wouldn't come fact to face with my chest. After a few seconds I attempted again, a little harder this time
and the door swang open, I was greeted by a face I've never seen

Me: Hey, ukhona uAphindiwe? (Hey, is Aphindiwe around?)

She nodded, taking a sip from the champagne bottle she was holding. She moved it from her mouth and
passed me a smile

"You may come in."

Me: I'll stand thanks. Mind calling her for me.

My gaze feel to her bare feet before I lifted it up to her face again, she nodded before walking back in
leaving the door open. I tucked my hands in my pockets and leaned against the bricked wall. I heard her
answer from afar before her voice became clear, then she burst into laughter making me smile before I
could even see her face. With her around me everything seemed okay. The slightest thing, like smelling
her scent without even seeing her brought me peace, a different type of happiness. She appeared at the
door and smiled, giggling too

Me: We drunk aren't we?

She shook her head, opening her arms as I encircled mine around her waist, lifting her up. Through her
giggles, she took my earlobe between her teeth prior to me placing her down. I didn't let go of her
instead I dropped my head and my lips met hers, I ran my tongue slowly on her smiling lips before
placing a kiss and moving back, finally letting her go

Aphindiwe: Ufike nini? (When did you arrive?)

Me: About 30 mins ago. Oko ndizama uk'founela

Aphindiwe: Sorry my phone is in the charger, it was flat.

I nodded, checking my wrist watch. She stepped closer to me and chinned her head, kissing my chin

Me: I'm about to ruin your fun, masambe (Let's go)

Aphindiwe: Awufuni ungena? (Don't you want to come in?)

I shook my head and watched her step in. I heard a familiar voice telling her how boring she was and I
smiled to myself at how ridiculous Khamila was becoming, she probably even hated me after the last
time we saw each other. Just as I were reminiscing on that day she appeared on the doorway, her arm
hooked around Aphindiwe's. She didn't even spare me a look, I watched her pretend like I wasn't
standing right there as she spoke to Phindi about behaving during the weekend. I cleared my throat and
they both snapped their heads towards me

Me: Babe andihambi ngemoto yam kaloku (Baby I'm not driving my car)

Aphindiwe: Oh xolo

She gave Khamila a hug before stepping outside towards me, I almost laughed when the sound of the
door being closed affected the windows
Me: Usaqumbile (Is she still mad?)

"Who?"

She asked handing me the bag which contained her clothes. She was fixing her jacket but passed me a
quick glance before we descended the stairs

Me: Your friend

Aphindiwe: Oh ewe kakhulu. More like she's scared of you and hates you for creeping her out.

I chuckled a little too low. She knew nothing about being creeped out by me, if she were to have an
experience of that, she'd stop being friends with my girlfriend.

Nkululeko dropped us off at Belmar before he and Themba left, claiming that they had some ladies to
pick up for whatever night they were going to have. Phindi and I stepped into the house and I heard her
draw a breath before exhaling

Me: Uright?

I turned to look at her and noticed she had just taken about two steps and was staring at the lounge
area. Cursing beneath my breath I placed our bags on the dining table and made my way to her, she
closed her eyes when I touched her shoulders

Me: I'm sorry

She shook her head and looked on her far left

"Uxolo I just didn't know I'd feel like this coming here..."

Her voice cracked and she couldn't even finish what she wanted to say. I held her gently by her chin and
made her face me, and as expected, her eyes held tears she was fighting not to drop

Me: Do you want me to book a hotel room?

Aphindiwe: Hayi I... I'll be okay

Me: I'll book. Yiba usiya eroomini okay (Go to the room for the meantime okay).

She nodded stepping away from me. She made way towards the passage but not before glancing at the
lounge area once again. When she was out of sight I cursed, punching the air. I could have knew this was
going to happen, it didn't mean just I wasn't affected by any of it she wasn't. I pulled a chair at the dining
table and sat, bringing my bag closer to me so I could take out my laptop. As I switched on the device I
looked at the couches and wondered if the tears she shed were from her still loving him or she really
couldn't get over the nightmare. I knew she cared for the guy, I saw it in her eyes the very first time I
had them over at my place right in the middle of this very room but loving him I didn't know, but I was
going to find because her and I still had to talk about this.

Aphindiwe's POV

My body was shaken awake by uMihle who hovered over me. I hadn't even had an hour ndilele and he
was already waking me up. I balanced myself on my elbow and tried not paying attention to the
headache I had, which was a reminder of why I had slept in the first place. He walked over to his
wardrobe and opened it, pulling out a jacket

Mihle: We got a room, masambe.

I hated how unhappy he sounded all of a sudden. I really didn't want to be a burden kuye ngoba ngoku it
felt like there was some tension lingering in the air since I couldn't contain myself after walking into his
house. It might have affected him but he had to understand Odwa was killed because he had an affair
with me. He was killed by the very same guy I was staring at and still in love with. The guilt that ate me
was beyond what I could bare, he was no longer living while I still blushed because of the man who killed
him. I wouldn't blame Odwa if he'd haunt, I would too if I were him.

Mihle: Uright?

I nodded, standing up and fixing my leggings which twisted in my sleep

"I just got a headache."

Mihle: We'll grab something egarage.

When we walked out of the room to the lounge my eyes looked at every part but the lounge area. It
made no difference really because being in the space alone weighed on me. I waited for him as he
locked the house before we went to the garage, and there was parked my favorite car. He was awfully
quiet, worrying me. I kept stealing glances at him and I could tell he was having a mental conversation
with himself, the way his eyebrows were knitted together and his jaws kept twitching something was
annoying him. We stepped into the car and I sighed, turning to face him as he adjusted his chair

Me: I'm sorry.

He stopped what he was doing and turned to look at me, the expression on his face not changing a bit

Mihle: Mhuh?

Me: Xolo, for not being able to contain myself. I just cost us the first night after 2 months of not
spending time with each other. We could have spent it apha kwakho but I just can't forget what
happened.

Mihle: It's okay.

He gave me a stiff nod before holding my hand and squeezing it. I knew something wasn't right, I knew
my man. He was probably disturbed by my reaction, he definitely couldn't have expected it so maybe if I
gave him some time he'd finally be alright. Not that he wasn't, but he wasn't fully happy like he was two
hours ago.

We arrived at the hotel very late, something after 11 after passing by at Debonairs to grab pizza. The
other time wasted was my fault because I kept begging for McFlurry so we drove a little further from the
hotel to drive-thru at McDonald's for the ice cream.

The first thing I did at our arrival was to jump into the shower, Mihle joined me later on, forcing me to
stay longer inside with him while we shared kisses here and there. He kept on teasing me, making me
unpleasantly wet because every time he saw I was responding, he'd step back and continue doing his
business. By the time we stepped out of the shower my nippples were hard rock and my clit was
obviously irritated from throbbing so much, it was because of the fingers he ran over it every second
and pulled them away when I lifted my legs for him. Now standing in front of the mirror, assessing the
cornrows I had on, to see if they weren't unplating anywhere. He cleared his throat from where he was
standing, earning my attention. If I was drinking something his question would have made me choke

"Did you love him?"

I knew whom it was he was talking about but what caught me off guard was how I didn't expect us to
have the conversation, I never thought we'd ever talk about Odwa. With my eyes huge from their
sockets I had them fixated on him while his were narrowed, awaiting a response. I watched how his jaw
twitched as he kept his gaze on my face

Me: Can we not toro?

Mihle: I just want to know

His voice was low, too low for my liking and it lingered something between hurt, anger and regret. I
shook my head hesitantly. When he was like this I couldn't predict him, I didn't know whether speaking
the truth would get him angry or make him happy. I didn't know whether I had to lie my way through to
satisfy him with my response, but I knew lying and speaking the truth would get me in kind of trouble
either way.

Mihle: Andikuvha Aphindiwe (I can't hear you Aphindiwe)

Me: Hayi

My whispering made him raise a brow at me

Me: I liked him Fhaku, it was hard not to, he was a good guy.

Mihle: And love? Ubumthanda?

Me: Hayi

I shook my head, confirming the bitter words which left my mouth. I had strong feelings for Odwa, I
really did but they weren't nothing compared to what I felt for the man in the same room as me. His
shoulders tensed at my response before he broke eye contact, turning away from me. I was shaking,
praying he was done fighting whatever came up on him. The pregnant silence had me think that was just
the beginning of it, he was fishing for another hard question to ask me. I turned to face the mirror but
stopped any type of movement when he questioned again

Mihle: And the sex? Wayithanda yona? (Did you love it?)

I swallowed my heart which was now beating in my throat. I could see from the side of my eye that he
was looking at me, waiting for me to respond. I couldn't even turn and look at him because I knew I'd
hate what I'd see, he was angry. How long was this person waiting to ask me these questions kanti?

Mihle: Ndiyathetha Aphindiwe (I'm talking Aphindiwe)

I picked up in his voice that he was running out of patience. Even though he never yelled, I knew he'd be
doing it soon

Me: No

Mihle: You're lying.

Me: Fhaku please, can we not do this ngoku. We were supposed to hang out together, this weekend is
ours not for us to speak about other people.

Mihle: He can't be other people (pause) this is the same guy that us here remember

When he mentioned the word us he used his hand, pointing between himself and I. He dropped his eyes
to my feet and stopped breathing for what seemed too long before he let out a loud breathe. He looked
at me again with eyes that carried so much hurt than anger

Mihle: And how many times did you have sex with him?

He broke eye contact again. Perhaps he didn't want to look at me when I was speaking about my sex life
with another man but if that was the case why was he even bringing it up?

Me: Three times

He nodded, clenching his fists tight. I watched his fists more than I was looking at his face, his knuckles
were becoming white from what he was doing. I thought he was going to punch something eventually.
He looked up at the ceiling before bringing his eyes back to me

Mihle: And the anal?

Now I was in the greatest shit. That face I loathed the most, the one which carried so much hate, anger
and much more anger. His eyes carried tears which would drop if he blinked. It was my second time
seeing him at the edge of crying.

Me: Once

Mihle: Yay'mnandi? (Enjoyed it?)

Me: It was okay

My voice wouldn't come out. It seemed to be getting lower with every answer I had to give. He
extended his shaking hand at me

Mihle: Come here.

Me: Uzond'beth Mihle (You'll hit me Mihle)

I don't know why I said that but I'd happened to be the first thought that crossed my mind. When he
wasn't shaken by my words I mentally confirmed I was right, most of the time when I said something
along those lines it surprised him that I even thought that but that moment he wasn't shocked to the
slightest bit. He started walking towards me but stopped when he saw me back away

Mihle: I'd never. Iza

His hand was shaking, his knitted eyebrows made movement every now and then and he, he looked like
he was going to kill something, or let me say me. He was going to kill me. I started walking towards him
with shaking legs, my whole body sweating and covered in goosebumps. I wasn't trusting him, with
every step I took this voice at the back of my head kept telling me not to go to him but I continued
anyway. My trembling hand met his and he held it gently, pulling me towards himself. My face made
contact with his chest and he pushed it further with his hand, making me rest my head on his stoned
chest. I encircled my shaking arms around his waist and listened to his heartbeat, it was beating so fast
and too loud. He kissed the top of my head prior to speaking

"Do you trust me?"

I nodded, lying because that moment I wasn't sure

Me: Ewe

Mihle: I want to show you something, how I'm feeling ngoku.

I wasn't sure what he meant by that but it scared me. He wasn't feeling lekker so whatever he had to
show me couldn't be good. Suddenly both his hands held my head in position and my face was pushed
straight into his chest. It didn't occur to me what he was trying to do until he pressed my face flat on his
hard chest. Unable to breathe properly I hit his back, squealing as the urge of wanting to break through
overwhelmed me. He was suffocating me, I couldn't breathe. The last thing on my mind was how badly
his hands were hurting my head from the tight hold and how my nose felt like it was losing shape, I just
wanted to break free. I could have bit his chest but it was hard for me to even open my mouth with the
way my face was pressed against his chest the way it was. My hands were running on his back whilst my
nails dug on his skin desperately. I could feel my eyes filling with tears and that's when he stopped, he
moved my head from his chest and cupped my face, looking at me straight into my eyes which held so
much terror. I was shaking, I couldn't stand any longer without falling. With his thumbs he captured the
tears I released, his eyes never leaving mine, and I too never breaking the gaze. He planted a kiss on my
lips and moved his head away from mine, with his hands still on either side of my face

Mihle: That's exactly what's happening kum. I'm suffocating and I feel like I'll die Nhanha.

A tear left his eye and dropped on his cheek. My mouth trembled as the sight in front of me, he was
crying, something he never did.

Mihle: I'd never kill you.

I brought my still shaking hand to his cheek and wiped the tear like I, myself wasn't crying too. I stopped
what I was doing when another dropped on my hand.

"But I'll definitely kill every man that finds himself inside of you. And I make it a promise."

I was too astonished with the tears I was seeing more than anything. His words could have terrified me
but at that moment I knew better than to cheat on the man. I knew better than to put any other
person's life in danger, so I told myself there was no other man perfectly made for me but him. He was a
broken, loving monster and I had to stay with him because I didn't trust what he'd do if I left him again.
This was the I took from someone who probably could handle every shit he put her through now it was
my turn. I made this bed so I had to lay on it.
Fifteenth entry

Aphindiwe's POV

I woke up before him, something that has never happened before in this relationship. I wasn't awaken
by my usual nightmares because for the very first time since Odwa's death I actually slept peacefully. His
head was on my chest as he breathed softly, sounding like a baby not wanting to be disturbed from their
sleep. I laid like that with my bladder full, I wanted to move his head and go pee but I knew I was going
to be disturbing his sleep. Yesterday's flashbacks came into mind and I almost cringed at the thoughts. I
was scared, more terrified by his tears than anything. He cried, not just letting a tear or two go, no, he
cried and hiccuped from the sobs he was trying to hold. I didn't know what to do with him because not a
single day has Mihle ever cried, not the day I was abducted and raped nor the day he saw me cosy with
Andrew. It was almost unbelievable seeing a grwon up, strong man like him cry. It was unlike him
because he appeared so strong and unshaken. I remember embracing him, rocking him back and forth
not knowing what to do with him. How much did I hurt this man again?

I shifted under his hold and he tightened his arm around me. I couldn't help it anymore, I wanted to use
the toilet so I moved his arm from me causing him to groan. A smile made its way to my face

Me: Ndifuna uchama (I want to go pee)

He shifted and moved his arm slowly with his eyes still closed. I rushed to the bathroom and came back,
checking the time before jumping back into bed. I scoffed closer to him and placed my legs on his waist,
his hand instantly went there rubbing circles on my skin. I watched him falling back into sleep, this I
knew because the motion he was doing with his hand was stopping. I brought my hand to his face and
messed up his thick eyebrows with my thumb. From just watching him sleep this way I already missed
him like he was gone already. I ran my thumb down the bridge of his nose to his lips and his eyes
flickered, looking at me between those long eyelashes

Me: Vuka (Wake up)

I whispered and he let his eyes close again while pulling me closer to him.

Me: Baby

Mihle: Mhuh

Me: Vuka

Mihle: Ngubani ixesha? (What time is it?)

He mumbled under his breath, and I smiled at how much of a child he sounded

Me: Twenty to seven

Mihle: Mha.ah, let's sleep Nana. Another 2 hours

Me: Breakfast

Mihle: Ivalwa ngo 10 (It closes at ten)

Me: Mhuh. Guess what?

Mihle: Ntoni? (What?)

I stifled a laugh, and found his ear. I couldn't stop myself from blushing as I spoke

"I'm horny."

He snapped his head up at me and the smrik on his face made me laugh, the naughtiness his eyes
suddenly carried couldn't stop me from blushing.

Me: I'm joking baby

I said, covering my mouth because I couldn't stop laughing. He narrowed his eyes at me, the smrik not
leaving his face at all, I bit my lips realizing the mistake I might have put myself in. His hand found my
butt cheek and smacked it before he grabbed it, squeezing it seductively

Mihle: Don't ever do that again. You know what those words do to me.

Me: Xolo

He kissed my neck before going back to his previous position. I began moving closer to him than I
already was. He kept on shifting, wanting to find the right sleeping position with me in his arms. When I
knew he was settled I brought my hand to his head and dug in my fingers into his thick fade haircut. I
don't know for how long I laid there with my eyes scanning the room, or dropping to the man whose
face was literally dug in my small cleavage before I too managed to drift back to sleep.

I turned over and flickered my eyes open, the side of the bed was empty. I groaned lowly, stretching my
body under the white sheets. I sat on my butt and threw a glance towards the bathroom, the water was
running so I knew he had to be in there. I removed my body from the bed and dragged my feet along the
floor rag, standing at the entrance I leaned against the door frame and looked at him. He smiled my way
with his toothbrush still in his mouth prior to bending over the sink and rinsing his mouth and the small
object. When he was finished he placed his toothbrush in his open toiletry bag and turned to face me,
he walked towards me and didn't even give me a chance to speak when he picked me up

Me: Baby Hayi, please me down!

He walked with me in his arms towards the bed and gently placed me on the sheets with his body
hovering over me. His eyes held my gaze for a while before he dropped them to my lips making me
cover them while giggling. There was no way I was going to let him kiss me with my morning breath. He
kissed my cheek and trailed his kisses down my neck, to my exposed shoulder, he muttered something
between the kisses and I snapped my eyes open looking at him

Mihle: The vest Nhanha

My hands instantly found the ham of my vest and I pulled it over my head while his lips were already on
my boobs, giving strong goosebumps to my body. He found a nipple with his tongue and teased the hard
rock skin using the tip of his wet tongue, he kept holding it between his teeth before crashing his mouth
on it again. His kisses continued down my stomach to my sides, down my legs and in between my thighs.
This whole time my hands were either on his head or on my boobs. He placed my legs on his shoulders
and I giggled, knowing exactly what was coming. He ran his magical tongue over my lace panties sending
a powerful sensation through my body. I thought he was to slip them off or to the side but instead he
continued teasing me with my panties on. He held the waistband of the piece of material and pulled it
up, making it stick to my womanhood, I could feel without even looking that my cameltoe was on
display. He sucked on my clitiros over and over again, making me more soaked. My panties were wet
against my skin because of the juices and his wet mouth which was doing wonderful things to me. If it
wasn't his finger rubbing my baby over the material then it was his tongue sucking me over the panties.
When he decided to remove them my body was already going crazy, I wanted him inside of me more
anything. I lifted my legs and helped him slip them off. He positioned himself between my legs again and
pushed his head in, his tongue finding the skin between my folds. My back arched, while I pushed his
head deeper

Me: Mihle

I whisper-moaned his name. He was doing things to my body no other man could ever, I never picked
myself having any other man give me so much pleasure. I almost screamed from excited when he
pushed his tongue in my opening, while his arms helped spread my legs wider on the sides. He kept
pushing my legs far apart as if that would help him go deeper in me. Every time he pulled his tongue out
of me to run it over my pussy then pushed it back in, making me moan a little louder. He finally moved
up, licking and sucking on my skin as he made way to my chest. When he took a nipple in his mouth I felt
his hard crotch against me and I gulped, my hand finding it immediately. He groaned against my skin
when I started rubbing it over his underwear. I was about to pull it out when he grabbed hold of my
hand and brought it above my head, alone with another one. He crashed his lips on mine and this time I
couldn't worry about my mouth which I still hadn't brushed, I was too turned on to focus on that. He
found access with his tongue and it danced along with mine while he kept pushing his manhood against
my already wet pussy. He moved away from me, leaving me cold suddenly. I watched him stand as he
dropped the underwear to his feet then pulled me towards the edge of the bed, his eyes staring at
nothing but between my thighs. When I was at the edge of the bed just how he wanted me he moved
closer and rubbed his hard manhood against my wet baby. I bit my lower lip waiting for the penetration
but instead he kept on rubbing it, making me extremely wet. He pushed in the tip and I hissed from
pleasure only to have him pull it out.

Me: Baby ha.a

I managed to say in between my heavy breathing and he chuckled, pushing in the tip again. I encircled
my legs and locked them around his waist hoping he'd get the idea that I wanted him to penetrate
already. His hands were running up and down my legs whilst he kept looking between my face and my
pussy. He pulled out again and just when I was about to scold him for teasing me he pushed himself in
fully, not leaving an inch out. The loud moan that escaped my mouth was loud enough to be heard three
rooms away, he hit just the post. He pulled out slowly, and pushed in the tip again about two times prior
to pushing himself in again, making my back arch. I lifted my butt from the bed, the pleasure too exciting
for me to behave. He began stroking, filling me with every inch of him, my legs were held against his
chest and he'd spread them open every now and then. After a couple of strokes he pulled out and
hovered over me, lifting me so I laid across the bed, he pushed himself in again causing me to hold his
waist. My legs were on his shoulders and in that position I wasn't able to handle the whole him inside
me, it pained every time he touched that sensitive part. He dropped one of my legs to the side and
continued what he was doing. If his thumb wasn't in my mouth then it was on my clit drawing circles
while he pounded, sweating on top of me. If he didn't stop I was going to squirt. I held his wrist trying to
stop him from doing the motion with his thumb, but that didn't stop him from going harder on me

"Bab... Ahhh fuck!"

I managed to break free from his hold and moved upwards on the bed reaching reach the headboard,
breaking contact from our private parts. That didn't stop him because before I knew it he was ontop of
me, kissing my shoulder as he directed me to lay on my stomach. He was kissing and licking my back, I
already had my butt pushed out for him, waiting for him to do what he was best at. When he found
himself in me again he spanked my right butt cheek then groaned, leaning further in so his chest was
slightly touching my back. He stroked, going in and out of me.

Mihle: Fuck.

He kept moaning with his hoarse voice and I couldn't be any pleased, his moans were like heaven to me.
I brought my hand to my right cheek and held it apart from the other, opening more access for him to
enter. He moved back and helped me with what I was doing. Each of his hands held a butt cheek,
spreading them apart as he slowly went in and out of me. It felt so good I could continue doing that all
day. He pulled himself out completely and I felt his thumb running over my opening before he pushed it
in and pulled it out then it was pushed in my anal hole, making me squeal in pleasure. I felt his crotch
feel me again while his thumb was going deeper in my anus. He leaned further down and found my ear
which he whispered in

Mihle: You'll never give this to anybody

He pushed himself deeper in me and every time he did this, his thumb was also pushed in further

Mihle: Say it Nhanha.

I moaned when he stroked deeper, his pelvis making the clap sound as it crashed roughly against my
butt

Me: I'll never. Fuuuck babe, ha.a

Mihle: Never do what?

He went deeper again making it impossible for me to speak. Every stroke he gave me was deeper,
rougher and demanding an answer. I couldn't speak because of the way my body was feeling, the pain
and pleasure mixed together. It was as though he was demanding me with his body, he was rough but in
a sexy type of way , the type that made me want him to continue all day. With every stroke the sound of
my butt cheeks clapping filled the room, if he wasn't spanking them then they were clapping against his
pelvis area. He nibbled on my shoulder while my fingers were digging into the skin of his arm which
balanced him as he kept his body over me.

Mihle: Nhanha

Me: I'll never give this to anybody

I only managed to say when he stopped moving. His breathing was heavy

Mihle: Ngoba? (Because?)

Me: Because it's all yours.

I could feel his smile as he kissed my shoulder before he started again, going rougher than before. He
was writing his name on it because never a single day has he ever given me such rough sex. Yes we have
had our rough, beautiful intimacy before but this was nothing like what we used to have. This was angry,
punishing sex. It felt like he was taking out all his frustrations that moment but for some reason it felt
good, it was fulfilling. By the time he came I had already came twice, almost squirting in between. He
laid on top of me panting for almost a whole 5 minutes before he pulled out and went over to the
bathroom. He walked out holding a towel, his eyes scanning my body and I was surprised to see they
still held some lust in them. He pushed his arm under my stomach which me push out my ass, he ran the
towel between my thighs wiping me clean. As he placed the towel on the side he kissed and bit my butt
cheek causing me to laugh

Me: Hayi baby

Mihle: Umnandi kodwa (You're delicious)

Me: Wena? (And you?)

Mihle: Mna nditheni? (What about me?)

Me: Awukho mnandi? (Aren't you delicious?)

Mihle: Ha.a

I closed my eyes, my body taking in his kisses which he kept placing on my butt and waist. There was no
way I couldn't be wet for this man, it was a matter of him touching me then my body knew exactly how
to respond. His hands were rubbing my sides while he licked me from my neck down to my butt crack,
he continued doing this and only stopped when I attempted turning. He allowed me until I was laying on
my back, facing him. I ran my finger down his abs as I held my bottom lip between my teeth, looking at
him straight in the eyes

Me: You're turning me on again

He chuckled placing one kiss on my forehead and the other on my lips

Mihle: I'm sure we missed breakfast. Ngubani ixesha? (What time is it?)

He moved completely, taking his phone from the night stand

Me: What time is it?

Mihle: Half 9. We'll miss breakfast, masihlambe so we can go to the mall

Me: For?

Mihle: Food kaloku.

We took a shower and prepared ourselves for the day at the mall. We arrived at the mall and he
surprised me when he said it's been forever since he bought me something so what did I want? I told
him he bought me the matching wristband we were wearing but he wasn't buying it. So we went to
Cotton On and I fitted two jeans while he was loitering around the shop, with his phone against his ear.
We made it to the teller, paid and left to Sportscene where we both purchased matching Adidas
tracksuits. I couldn't stop laughing at the idea, he surprised me though when he said we could go on
with it, to think I was bringing it up as a joke

Me: Bendidlala babes (I was joking babes)

He nodded, his hand still in mine as we waited for the man who was going through the tracksuits looking
for our sizes. I looked up at him and was taken aback with how serious he was

Me: Baby we aren't buying these nyani mos?

Mihle: We are

Me: Haibo Fhaku I was joking

Mihle: It's fine. We'll wear them on separate days

I giggled, resting my head on his arm. He placed a kiss ontop of my head and I wanted to jump from
excited. Seeing that I never posted our pictures together because from the beginning I never felt it was
okay to do so, now he was agreeing to us buying matching clothes. It was exciting on my part.

After leaving Sportscene we went to the food court and ate at a restaurant of my choice, Mugg & Bean.
We sat opposite each other, both concentrated on the menus in our hands. I looked at him and bit my
lower lip, unsure of what I wanted to order but I knew whatever it was it had to be huge because I was
damn hungry

Me: Nyawuza

"Mhuh?"

He said with his eyes still on the menu.

Me: What will you order?

The smirk on his face after I said that told me he was going to tease me. He looked up and chuckled,
holding back a laugh

Me: Yintoni? (What is it?)

I tried keeping a straight face but I was failing

Mihle: You don't know ezizinto zibhalwe apha but you brought us apha (You don't know these things
written on these menus yet you brought us here)

Me: I do qha I wanted to know what you'd order

I pouted my lips at him and he licked his, biting the bottom on during the process

Mihle: Good. Order yours ke baby, let me order mine

Me: Mxm uright

I heard him chuckle as I went back to checking the menu. Luckily when the waitress came I already knew
what I was going to eat so did he, so we placed our orders and asked for bevarages while we waited. We
sat there and started chatting instantly, talking about why he took the decision of going to Pretoria
without letting me know. I couldn't blame him though, at that moment I had shut him out of my life, I
cut all communications with him so he had no choice. Our drinks arrived, my Cocktail and his beer. He
only allowed me to drink that day because according to him I was under his watch so he had no worries
about what I'd do when I got drunk. He mentioned something to me about his plan that instantly
reminded me of what I heard Nomtha and Dabawo talking about. I was mentality debating with myself
whether I should tell him or not, maybe it was nothing important. I thought I managed to mask my
worried face but unfortunately I heeded I was bad when he questioned

"What are you thinking about?"

Me: Huh?

Mihle: There's something, yintoni?

I shook my head, bringing the straw to my mouth. I swallowed and looked at him, knitting my eyebrows
in the process

Me: Hayi akhonto (No there's nothing)

He leaned back on his chair and folded his arms over his chest. He raised a brow at me and kept a
straight face, waiting for me to speak obviously. There was no way he was admiring me. I sighed and
placed my glass on the table

Me: Okay ke. But you didn't hear this from me

He chuckled closing his eyes. He opened them and licked his lips before speaking to me

Mihle: And what else did she say to you?

Me: Who?

Mihle: Nomthandazo. Remember no lying babe, we don't want to go there ngoku

Me: Yeah, I know

I gulped, giving him a faint smile. I didn't know which was one was worth it. Continuing hurting the
family member I been hurting ever since I came here or telling the man whom I didn't know would love
me forever what I heard. I was confused. He watched me, his eyes holding the only one thing they've
always held for me, love. I sighed

Mihle: It's okay xa ungafuni uyithetha, I understand.

Me: I'm sorry

He nodded, sending a wink my way. I kept glancing at him, the guilt in me building up every second he
continued talking like nothing happened

Me: Baby

Mihle: Bhelekazi
Me: I heard uNomtha and Dabs talk, about how scared Nomtha was about that you'd find out about
their plan.

He furrowed his eyebrows and leaned forward, both his forearms rested on either sides of his plate on
the table

Mihle: What plan?

I shrugged my shoulders, placing my fork on my plate

Me: I had to move away from the door before they finished talking. Someone could have caught me.

He nodded, touching my hand and squeezing it from across the table

Mihle: What exactly did they say?

Me: That she was scared you'd find out. That she thought icebo labo has worked then noDabawo
wavuma uba naye ebecinga lonto (their plan was going to work then aunt agreed saying she thought
that too.)

Mihle: You didn't hear what plan?

I shook my hand. He released my hand and leaned back on the chair again. His fists were clenched on
the side as he kept on nodding as though understanding the loop holes.

Me: What's wrong? Do you know what they were talking about?

Mihle: No but I think I have a clue.

He kept quiet, I lost my appetite immediately. Once again, I had bad timing raising a topic. I just ruined
another beautiful moment

Mihle: Masitye (let's eat) I must have a word with her

Me: What?

I asked, I could imagine what my eyes might have looked like, probably as big as roll on balls.

Mihle: Trust me, it won't affect you Mambhele. I'd never do that to you.

Me: Then how will they...

Mihle: Nhanha, no.

I gave him a stiff nod, praying that I wouldn't regret this. We ate in silence, from my side I was forcing
the food down, I had lost all appetite. His silence bothered me more than anything, he kept twitching his
jaw while sighing heavily.

We left the restaurant and drove back to the hotel in a different mood. He tried making me ease by
cracking jokes here and there but I couldn't help but worry about what he was going to do and how he'd
get to talk to her when I knew very well she loathed him. When we arrived at the hotel we chilled in the
room for about an hour before he left me informing me that Bulelani wanted to meet up with him for
something but it wouldn't take him long, just an hour maximum. So I remained in the hotel room all by
myself thinking the only thing that could calm me down was if he came back in a better mood, maybe a
naughty one. You needed to understand I wasn't going to see him for the next 3 weeks, I had to have
him as much as I wanted.

Mihle's POV

As I drove to Bulelani's I couldn't help but think what Phindi had told me. I knew exactly what
Nomthandazo was scared of, my gut told me the minute I heard about it. There was no need for Phindi
to go further into detail, I knew what it was. I kept trying to calm my nerves but the anger I suddenly felt
made me want to call her now and talk to her but as Lani would always say, I needed to compose myself
so I could come about it the right way.

I arrived at his place and noticed Nkululeko was already there, I was the late one. Stepping inside I made
myself at home as I greeted the madam of the house, she smiled making her way to the kitchen.

Me: Gentlemen

Bulelani: Ulate

Me: Ya, hade grootman. Bendibusy noMamekhaya (Yeah, sorry big guy. I was busy with the girlfriend)

Bulelani: Let's get straight to business ke.

Nku opened his laptop and took out a plan sheet throwing it on the table. He filled us in with everything;
how far they were and how long it would take. What more was needed, and the strategies. He informed
us about our alliances, people who backed up and those who were actually indecisive, still not
understanding why I was suddenly leaving the game. Bulelani advised that maybe if they heard the word
from me they'd understand, some of them were good clients, clients I planned on keeping even when I
ran the club. By the time the discussion ended it was nearing two hours later and I had promised
Aphindiwe that it would only take an hour. I checked my wristwatch as I leaned back on the couch

Me: I need to rush kodwa before that, ntwana

Nkululeko raised his eyebrows at me when he saw I was addressing him

Me: Ndifuna ubuya next week (I want to come back next week)

Nkululeko: Smoko

Me: Nomthandazo

Both man snorted, pulling sick faces when I mentioned her name

Bulelani: Yintoni ngoku? (What's the problem now?)

Me: My son

Lani furrowed his eyebrows, looking confused as ever. Nkululeko on the other hand was packing his
equipment, not interested in the conversation

Me: Ikhona into asebenzise umntanam kuyo (There's something she used my son for)

Bulelani: Ntoni leyo? (Whats that?)

Me: Uzoyazi next week grootman (You'll know next week big guy)

Me: But what I need Nku, I'll give you number zika Busie, her best friend. Get uBusie, threaten her if you
have to but what I want is uBusie setting a meeting noNomthandazo then kofika mna

Nkululeko: Ayikho out of line leway. Sifake ichommie engazi kwa nix (Is this out of line? Including a
friend who knows nothing).

Me: Uzothetha noBusie, what is in line and not izojongwa ndim. Friday late I'm expecting this to happen

Bulelani: Saturday is reasonable ntwana.

Me: Friday

I said my final word as I stood up, giving both of them our famous hand shake and nods. Bulelani was
looking at me with an irritated face, I knew he wanted to fight me as always but to me speaking to her
Friday was more reasonable because the rest of the weekend I had to spend with Aphindiwe peacefully
so Friday it was.

Nkululeko: Will you need ibackup?

Nku asked as I made my way towards the door

Me: Yayilalwa ndim laway, I know ubanjwaphi (She was sleeping with me, I know her buttons)

Nkululeko: And you think you still do even after ditching her on your wedding day?

Me: Nomthandazo will be always be Nomthandazo, wedding or not.

I heard them chuckle as I shut the door making way to my car. I just wanted the week to come by very
fast because I didn't want to think of anything bad I could do to her. I didn't want to plan anything
violent; after all that was the mother of my child and Simi needed her. I understood that week was only
going to test me, how much I could keep my feelings under control without allowing them to control me
like they always did. I had to discipline my mind otherwise I knew the more I kept thinking about it, the
more it would have a negative impact on my mood and that would mean I'd mess up nge weekend.

When I arrived at the hotel I knocked at the door and waited for her to open. She threw the door open
and stepped away from it, making way towards the bed

Me: Ndiqunjelwe nhe? (You're mad at me nhe?)

She kept quiet, still pressing her phone as she continued playing candy crush.

Me: I brought you something

She finally looked at me with a bored expression though

"Close your eyes."

Aphindiwe: Mxm

Me: Ha.a Bhelekazi, not kum kaloku. Please eyes closed

She rolled her eyes before closing them, letting out an exasperated sigh. I knelt in front of her and
revealed my hand holding a rose and the PS chocolate written 'I luv u'.

I smiled at my silly way of apologizing prior to pulling a straight face, chinning up to look at her

Me: Open them.

When she did my eyes were on her face. She fought the smile which was breaking through so instead of
allowing it to show, she bit her bottom lip holding back the beautiful smile

Me: I apologize. I know I said one hour

Aphindiwe: And now it's almost 3 hours

Me: Two baby

She checked her wristwatch before cocking a brow at me

"2 hours, twenty minutes."

Me: Yeah. I'm sorry.

She looked at the two items I was holding before looking back at me again

Me: Will you accept my rose?

She giggled, shaking her head as she looked away. I placed the things on the night stand as I stood,
holding her hands

Me: Then you want me to do to you what I did a few hours ago?

Aphindiwe: (laughs) Hayi tshini

I backed away, freeing her hand. I took in her image from head to toe whilst my tongue ran over my
bottom lip which I then held with my teeth

Me: Then accept my rose before I rape you.

She giggled, rolling her eyes

Aphindiwe: Then rape me ke.

I walked towards her, removing my jacket which I threw on the bed. When I was a step away from her I
encircled my arms around her waist and found her butt, squeezing her butt cheeks as I placed a kiss on
her neck

Me: You need to behave, otherwise we'll have a little Bhelekazi growing in here

I said, touching her stomach. I was addicted to her, to her happiness, to her presence. She was meant
for me, I felt it when I touched her, when I said her name. The way she made me feel without me even
knowing, the things she made me want to do for her. I knew I was addicted to her when my heart was
content with every smile and laugh she gave. I knew I wasn't going to let her go ever because the very
moment she laughed at that joke, I just wanted to tell her to pack her things and fly back with me.
Sixteenth Entry

Nomthandazo's POV

To define the pain I was feeling was impossible. It felt as though on a daily basis I was hit with reality of
things; no ring on my finger and no title to my name. Friends have called to check up on me, others
drove by at my home to see if I was pulling through just okay and obviously I would pull up a front saying
I was but in actual fact I felt like I was dying. I hadn't gone to work for two days now, my plan was to get
a sick note of at least 3 to 4 days. I knew even then I wouldn't be fit enough to face the world as well the
colleagues who went to my wedding but a girl had to do what a girl needed to do, and that was to get
my ass out that bed and work for my child. I felt like I was almost out of tears because I couldn't cry no
more, instead I just laid there in bed listening to my heart aching. I had a lump throughout the whole
day and would only find the comfort to cry at night when everybody was gone to sleep. I pulled a front
of being okay with everything that has happened because I hated sympathy. If it were by choice I would
choose not to react to the pain but we have no control over the heart right. So that Tuesday morning I
laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling of my room like it had answers for me. I suddenly had the feeling
that I was a bad mother to my son, my focus was on his father that I couldn't even see how much I was
changing towards him. Umama lectured me, telling me about how distracted I have been since Sunday.
She kept informing me that Olakhe had nothing to do with what Mihle did to me, so I couldn't neglect
him because of his father's actions. After thinking and beating myself up about how I loved the wrong
person I dragged myself out of my bed and went over to my son's cot, he was still sleeping peacefully
like he didn't wake me up at 4 am that morning. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes I left the room and
headed straight towards the bathroom to rinse my mouth and face. I wanted something to eat. Since my
father was running tenders everywhere possible he was barely at home like usual, he was always out
and about running errands for his businesses. I made myself a cup of Rooibos tea before retreating to
my bedroom. I managed to find some sleep again but was disturbed when someone shook me awake
from my sleep. I flickered my eyes and came face to face with Azola who was hovering over my bed

Azola: Uvukile uBoy (Boy is awake)

Me: Morning. Awuyanga skolweni? (Morning, didn't you go to school?)

Azola: Ndisuka khona (I'm from there)

Me: Haibo kanti what time is?

She placed my son on my lap after I fixed my sitting position prior to turning her back on me heading
towards the door

Azola: Past 11.

I smiled at the bundle of joy in my arms, he was smiling at me oblivious to the negligence his father had
towards us.

Me: We must bath you kengoku Bhele omhle.

He giggled, closing his eyes in the process. I placed him back in his cot, balancing him with his support
cushion so he'd sit there while I quickly cleaned the room. I covered my body in a gown and prepared his
bathing equipment. I had a headache and the loud music Azo was playing from the lounge wasn't
helping either, she was screaming too imitating whatever was being sung by these rsppers she listened
to. When Olakhe was clean I took him to the lounge where Azo was still singing to a song ka Rihanna

Me: Khathobe (Lower the volume)

She took the remote from her side and lowered the volume before passing me an irritated look

Me: Khathathe mtshana wakho, I want to go bath.

Azola: Iza kumakazi boy, iza

She exclaimed, her arms reaching out for Ola.

I watched her take him carefully and placing him on her outstretched legs. I gave her the blanket and
threw his support cushion on the couch next to her

Me: Ungayinyusi le TV (Don't increase the volume on this TV)

Azola: Okay wethu

As I was busy making him his food in the kitchen I thought back to him being sick. I wasn't sure if what
Dabawo did affected my child and the only reason why I wasn't sure was because she left me clueless
about the whole idea. The only thing she ever told me was how it would bring Mihle and I together.
Both my parents knew nothing about what we did, it was a conversation between her and I. I confided
in her because I knew traditionally she was going to help me more than any other family member, after
all nguye umntu who used imuti more than anybody else in the family. To be honest with you his
sickness worried me, but not a single day did I think it was my aunt's doings because umama kept saying
it was a normal thing for a child to fall sick and have such weakness so since he was my first child, I was
still learning. I was happy that he was healthy and back to his normal self, however his weight gain
worried me. Umama always said he was going to be a chubby child but I never believed her. Endlini they
went from calling him Dimple face to Gimba because he had too much appetite.

I left the kitchen and waited for Azo to fix his eating napkin before giving her the bowl

Me: If you need anything ndiseroomin, ndisayohlamba (I'm still going to bath)

Azola: The bottle yona?

Me: Mnike after etyile (Feed him after he's done eating)

She nodded, balancing her nephew with her left arm and started feeding him. He was a well-behaved
son, barely cried and was always willing to open his mouth for whatever was meant to go in there.

After bathing and dressing up I stood in front of the mirror tying my weave. The circles under my eyes
were a give away that I did enough crying and wasn't sleeping much. It was only two days into this
horrific moment and I was already looking like a zombie. I left the room and went to the lounge, only to
find Azo and Lakhe smiling and giggling to each other

Me: Uk'gqibile (Did he finish the food?)

Azola: Obvious, uyamazi kaloku ngothanda utya (Obvious, you know how much he loves eating)
Me: Fuze utamkhulu (He took after his grandfather)

I relaxed on the my father recliner sofa and pulled the flees blanket over my feet. I knew I was tired and
needed some sleep but I didn't think that I'd ever find comfort on a couch, I wasn't the type to go
around sleeping anywhere, if I needed to sleep or nap I did it on a bed. I was still drifting to sleep when
my phone vibrated

Azola: Nomtha iphone

Me: Mh Mh mh. Ngubani? (Who is it)

Azola: Busie

I opened my eyes and leaned forward, taking the phone from the coffee table.

Me: Vriendin

Busie: Hey babes unjani?

Me: Ndizobanjani nah vriendin? (How am I to be friend?).

Busie: Ha.a Yiba right man. Jonga can I come over xa ndiphuma emsebenzini, there's something
endifuna ukuxelela yona (No be alright man. Look can I come over when I knock off at work, there's
something I want to tell you)

Me: Okay. I'll be here endlini

Busie: Okay baby.

I ended the call and went back to what I was enjoying.

I woke up when a sharp noise made its way through my ear, causing me to jump from my sleep and
bump my head straight into someone's face. Sivu stood besides the couch rubbing her forehead

Sivuyisiwe: Yhoooo ngalentloko! (Yhooo with this head!)

I was rubbing mine too, annoyance building up in me that she had to wake me up like that

Me: yintoni nah wena nah?! (What is it with you?!)

Sivuyisiwe: Yhuu haibo sisi, molo nawe (Oh wow sis, hello to you)

She threw her weave back and strolled towards the passage. I muttered "bitch" beneath my breath as I
continued my forehead where our heads collided. Azola was watching Power and opposite her sat utata,
busy on his phone

Me: Oh molweni Tata.

His gaze met mine and he smiled

Tata: Hello ntombi endala. Ndiyabona xa ndingekho uzenza mna (Hello grown girl. I see when I'm not
around you make yourself me)

I giggled, knowing exactly what he meant by that.

Me: Xolo Bhele. Uphi mama? (Sorry Bhele. Where's mom?)

Azola: Eroomin

Me: And Olakhe?

Azola: Sleeping

I nodded, stretching my body as I removed myself from the couch. I threw the flees blanket over my
shoulder and left the lounge. There was only twenty minutes left until Busie arrived. I wondered what it
was she wanted to tell me but knowing my best friend it definitely had to be gossip and I wasn't the best
pal for that at the moment. I went back to the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee and have some
rusks, that was the very first meal I was going to be having that day. My mother was standing at the sink
rinsing the broccoli and some carrots. Already in the mood for cooking, she always did for her husband

Me: Mama

She turned her head and smiled, breaking her gaze to return her concentration to what she was doing

Mama: Molo ntombi, uright?

Me: Same old, same old wethu. Ndizobaright (I'll be fine)

Mama: Uzobaright Nyani mntanam, akhonto engapheliyo (You will be fine my child, nothing lasts
forever)

I nodded, plugging the kettle. I pulled out the rusk box and a packet of good morning biscuits before
heading to the cabinet where the cups were stored

Sivuyisiwe: Mfazi don't you need any help?

Mama: Ha.a mntanam

I looked over at Sivu and rolled my eyes, annoyed by how hyped she was today. Why was everybody in
such a good mood when I felt like dying?

Sivuyisiwe: Yintoni na sisi, uske wa sour (What's wrong sis, you are so sour)

Me: Don't start toro.

Mama: Vuyi please mntanam, give her a break toro. Akazivha mnandi (She's not feeling well)

Sivuyisiwe: Haibo mama what did I do ngoku?

Mother turned and gave her the knowing look. I sat besides her at the build-in table and opened the
packet of biscuits. I was still on my second one when I heard my best friend's voice in the lounge,
exchanging greetings with my father. After a while she appeared in the kitchen entrance, smiling already

Busie: Molweni

Sivuyisiwe: Hey ntombi.

Busie: Mama?
Mama: Hey ntombi, unjani? (Hey girl, how are you?)

Busie: Ndiyaphila mama ninjani nina (I'm good mother how are you?)

Mama: Hayi siright wethu, sisazama uthuba lamponxo siyenzwe ngulamfana (We are alright, we are still
trying to ease the disappointment brought to us by that man)

Busie snorted, her face totally agreeing with my mothers

"Yinto nje yomntu lowo, andifuni nomcinga mama (He's just a nobody, I don't even want to think of him
mama)"

My mother nodded, wiping her hands with the dish cloth. She sighed, her eyes landing on me

Mama: Khahoye uBusie Nomtha (Give hospitality to Busie, Nomtha)

Giving her a stiff nod I grabbed the cup of coffee and side plate then retreated from the kitchen,
followed by Busie who was saying something to me. I couldn't make out what she was saying because I
was too busy thinking about Mihle, his whereabouts and also about how he felt having done what he
did to me. There was a reason behind it all, I knew there had to be a reason. And I couldn't for a minute
think it was because he hated me, there was no way. We walked into our room and found comfort on
my bed. She, however, stood up after a few seconds and went over to Lakhe's cot

Busie: Akamhle vriendin.

Me: Enkosi chommie

Busie: Yhe sana, something strange happened ke

Me: What's that?

Busie: Uhm la chommie ka Mihle Ngubani kanene? (Uhm that friend of Mihle's, who's he?)

Me: Haibo friend, une chommie ezinintsi lamntu (Wow friend, that person has a lot of friends.) Which
one are you talking about?

Busie: Light skinned

Me: Oh Nkululeko

Busie: Yep, yep Nkulie

She exclaimed clicking her fingers and nodding as well. I turned on my bed and watched her examining
her image in the mirror. She turned around and faced me whilst leaning her body against the hairdresser

"He came to see me namhlanje."

Me: Came to see you?

Busie: Ewe at my workplace.

Me: How did he know uphangelaphi? (how did he know where you work?)
She shrugged her shoulders. I was shocked, how in hell would Nku go visit Busie, I mean the two barely
knew each other.

Me: Haibo, chommie are you sure it was him.

She nodded, her face serious as it could ever be

Me: And then ebeyothini?

Busie: Wants me to organize a meeting with you Friday

Me: What? Or... Organize a meeting? Kanti kwenzekantoni (What's happening?)

She walked over to my bed and sat, facing me

Busie: Apparently he wants to meet you vriendin but he knows awuzoya yedwa or you might not come
at all since he's friends with Mihle but uthi unento afuna ukuxelela yona

I blinked a couple of times before snorting, shaking my head in disblief

Me: So uMihle is being a coward, he can't face me himself so he sees best uba athumele ichommie
zakhe to come face me for his shit. For his shit chommie! (So Mihle is being a coward, he can't face me
himself so he sees best to send his friends to come face me for his shit. For his shit friend!)

Busie: Hey hey, calm down kaloku friend. Mna I was dumbstruck, didn't even know what's going on so I
figured it must have something to do with Mihle

Me: Obviously

I threw my hands in the air, lifting my butt from that bed. I paced up and down my room, feeling the
anger multiply in numbers. Oh how much I hated him, I hated him so much

Me: I hope you said yes chommie because we going to meet him

Busie: Well I didn't exactly say yes but he gave me an address though wathi I'm expected there.

Me: Good. Uyabona nje nje uMihle ecinga he's the only smart one, he doesn't know what's coming for
him.

Busie: Uyangxola, umntana (You are making a noise, your child.)

Me: I'm so annoyed

I whispered through gritted teeth. Oh I was extremely angry. Busie stood up and walked towards me,
holding both my shoulders. My hands were clenched besides me and I felt the blood circulation
decreasing on my hands

Busie: Do you think they planning anything?

Me: Ha.a

I shook my head
"I'm pretty sure that weak ass enguNkululeko has a message to deliver and I sure want to deliver mine
ayise kulamsunu wechommie yakhe (I'm pretty that weak ass Nkululeko has a message to deliver and I
sure want to deliver mine to that asshole friend oh his)"

Busie stifled a laugh as she brought me into an embrace, when she broke the hug she went over to the
bed and took her car keys

Busie: I have a baby to fetch ecreche babes, let me not stay

Me: Sharp ke chommie. Thanks for the alert

I said squeezing her hand. She nodded in response before stepping out of my room leaving me all by
myself in deep thought. Shit was about to hit the fan.

The whole week passed by with me thinking about the shitty act Mihle was pulling. From the way I was
so disgusted with how less of a man he was I was beginning to regret the day I met him and accepted his
proposal. He was the real definition of an asshole. I was waiting patiently for Friday to come so I could
give Nkululeko a piece of my mind, in fact I wanted to tell him to record me so his dearest friend could
hear how much I hated him. Friday I went to work and the vibe was not the one I'm used to, exactly
what I didn't want was happening. People passing me knowing looks and messages of sympathy here
and there. Others who weren't even at my wedding already knew what was happening. Avis was such a
big organization and everybody in department knew about the events of the weekend. When 4 o'clock
hit the clock I cleared my desk and searched for my friend's contact, ringing her so I'd know what time
we were meeting up.

Busie: Sthandwa

Me: Hey vriendin, at what time are we meeting up?

Busie: Ngoku Nana, I'm outside your workplace, was about to call.

Me: Okay, ndiyeza (I'm coming)

I got to her car and greeted, placing my back on the back seat

Me: At what time did Nkululeko say we must meet?

Busie: at 5

Me: Akamuncu, he's being used by esasdenge singuMihle

Busie chuckled, shaking her head as she stared at the road ahead of us. We drove to her place and
waited for the meeting. I was holding the piece of paper, looking at the address that was given to Busie.
It was in Sea point and there was a house number. I sat there, downing a glass of champagne as I tried
remembering who Mihle knew from Sea Point, I honestly couldn't think of anyone. Not even Nkululeko
stayed in Sea Point

Me: Yhe Busie?

Busie: Baby?

Me: Did Nkululeko say uba who's place this is?

Busie: Hayi chomam, azange ndibuze ndikuxelele (No friend, I never asked to tell you)

She shouted from the kitchen, she was busy warming the chicken Licken wings we bought. I looked at
her 4 year old daughter who was sitting on the mat playing with her dolls and wondered how she raised
such a happy child all by herself. She was one person I needed to take advice from because she handled
the situation very well and her daughter looked content with everything. I broke out of my thinking zone
when Busie appeared in the living room

Busie: Why ubuza? (why are you asking?)

Me: I'm looking at le address vriendin and I'm trying to figure out who Mihle knows from Sea Point.

Busie: Yhe sana, ingathi kanti bazosibulala ababantu (Hey, these people better not kill us)

I shook my head instantly, Mihle was way smarter than that and I believed even if there was any person
who wanted to kill me either than himself , he'd step up for my safety. He might fuck up but I knew for
sure the guy didn't want me dead

Me: Asoze, I'm the mother of his child

Busie: Kodwa nam ndimthembile (But I also trust him)

After we ate the wings and finished off our glasses we left the place, Busie dropped off Alunamda at her
friend's place. Well the lady became friends with her through parenting, both their children attended
the same daycare school. We drove off to the address finishing off the bottle of champagne we started
drinking earlier, she wasn't much on alcohol while I on the other hand was a fan. I wanted to arrive to
Nkululeko maybe tipsy or drunk already, ndandifuna ugeza one.

We arrived at the address and to my surprise Nkululeko's car was parked outside the huge house. The
house was in the suburbs and it appeared as one of those luxurious items. Busie and I stepped out of the
vehicle the same time someone was opening Nkulie's car, a light skinned guy stepped out and walked
towards us. I remembered seeing his face on a few occasions but it was his name that I didn't
remember. He approached us and cleared his throat, earning our attention as we stood looking at the
gate

Me: Singakunceda? (Can we help you?)

Guy: Nize ku Nkululeko?

Me: Ewe.

He passed his suspicious gaze to Busie then stepped in front of us, holding his hands out, blocking us
from going any further

"And then?".

Guy: Bakufuna wedwa inside (They want you alone inside)

Me: What!? Ha.a jonga bhuti please move toro, ungafuni undenza naar (You don't want to make me
naar)

Guy: Ingxaki sisi...

Me: Suka!

Guy didn't budge, instead he searched his pocket and took out his phone. After a few seconds he
pressed it against his ear. He spoke for about a couple of secs before holding the phone out to me.

Me: Ndiyithini lento? (What must I do with this?)

Guy: Ufuna uthetha nawe (He wants to talk to you)

I grabbed the object, caring less if I dropped it or broke it. I brought the damn thing to my ear

Me: Yintoni? (What?)

"Ufuneka wedwa (You're needed alone)"

Me: Ngoba? I came with someone mos

Nkululeko: Mshiye emotweni (Leave her in the car)

Me: Mnyiye emotweni (chuckles) uright apha entloko?

Instead of talking to me I heard him answer someone before he returned to me

Nkululeko: Khanike uThemba phone (Give Themba the phone)

Oh yes, this other dog kaMihle was Themba. I passed him the phone and waited. When he ended the
call he stepped away from us and towards the gate, pressed a code then gestured us inside with this
hand

Themba: Kuthwa ningangena (It's said you can go in)

I rolled my eyes at his manner of addressing us, by him opening the gate we already knew we were
allowed inside. As expected the house was huge, even had a whole glass area which I presumed must
have been the lounge. The area was peaceful you could even hear the sound of water running in the
pool. Just as we were about to knock on the sliding door, it was pushed opened and Nku stood in front
of us, grinning. I could have smacked that stupid smile off his face if I had the strength to. We stepped in
and he closed the door, the lounge was furnitured but whoever lived there might have just moved in
because the pieces of furniture weren't even covering 40% of the lounge space

Me: So when are we getting to business? I can't stand looking at your stupid face for more than ten
minutes

He chuckled and prepared to speak but stopped, looking at something over my head.

"We'll start ngoku but mna nawe qha (but you and me alone)"

That voice had me turn on my heel and face the culprit, and there he stood looking unbothered as ever.
I was planning to keep my cool right but the way he leaned against that doorframe, with his hands in his
pockets looking like he wasn't even thinking about what he did to me had me fuming. So I stalked
towards him and threw a slap which was blocked by him holding my wrist

Me: Ndiyeke, Ndiyeke! Fuck ndiyeke, uyinja! (Leave me alone, leave me alone! Fuck leave me alone,
you're a dog!)
I used my other free hand to throw yet another slap his way but he blocked it again, now both my wrists
were in his hands. He was looking at me with an expression I couldn't read, I didn't know whether he
was angry or confused at what I was doing.

Me: Mihle let me go.

My voice was hoarse, evident that I'd be crying anytime soon if I continued inhaling his Cologne like I
was doing.

Mihle: Nomthandazo, jonga we need to talk so unless...

Me: Talk my left foot! Rha uyandiqhela yazi. Ndiyeke man ndiyeke! (Damn you're disrespecting me.
Leave me alone man, leave me alone!)

He tightened his grip around my wrists and I hissed, but still not stopping the fight. When I couldn't
handle the pain anymore I stopped moving

Me: Uyandilimaza! (You are hurting me!)

Mihle: Just listen! Damn listen!

Me: Let me go.

He took the opportunity to turn us around and press me against the wall, my arms placed on either side
of my head

Mihle: Nomtha, we'll talk as adults okay, just calm the fuck down so we can finish what you came here
for.

Me: Khandiyeke, just leave me alone.

And the exact thing I didn't want happened, I showed him how much he hurt me when I started crying. I
dropped my head on his chest and he freed my wrists, bringing a hand at the back of my hand and
soothing me trying to stop me from crying but it wasn't helping. I sobbed to an extent that every time I
tried lifting my head wanting to address him I choked on a hiccup. After what seemed like forever, with
his shirt sticking to my face because of the tears I moved my head and leaned against the wall. With my
eyes shut, tears still managed to roll down my side. I felt his hands hold each side of my face and I
opened my teary eyes

Me: Why me? After loving you so much why would you do this to me?

Mihle: Can we go talk please, please.

He dropped his hands and stepped back, giving me some space to breath. I brought the back of my
hands to my face and dried my cheeks but I knew they wouldn't stay dry for too long, I was fucken
messed up.

Nkululeko: Sinishiye bhuda? (Do we leave you guys here bra?)

He shook his, his lower lip held tightly between his teeth

Mihle: Nah ntwana, we'll go to the room. This space has too many glasses for Nomthandazo
The most trusted dog chuckled, obviously finding what Mihle just said very funny. I wanted to stick out
my middle finger for him but I refrained from doing so.

Mihle: Busie sisi, uxolo but please wait for us here. Ntwana if she needs anything, ndicela umnike but we
won't be long.

I passed my best friend a look and she gave me a sad one which held a faint smile only when I nodded,
an attempt to tell her I'd be okay. Mihle and I walked around the lounge and I was surprised to see
strairs, but it was just one set of staircase and we made it to the upper floor. He opened a door and we
stepped into a very beautiful, big room, I could have taken the time to look around but I wasn't there for
approving the damn house. After closing the door, he addressed me

Mihle: I want us to talk as adults Mambhele

Me: First of all quit calling me that.

He narrowed his eyes and held my gaze for a while before continuing

"We'll talk as adults. I expect no shouting. Apha we are here to discuss why I did what I did and why you
shouldn't do anything stupid as revenge."

I chuckled, shaking my head

Me: You've got the nerve yazi

He nodded, pushing his hands in his pocket as he leaned against the door, watching me.

Me: You are an asshole, a selfish bastard who doesn't think of anybody else but himself. You don't care
what people feel, what type of pain you put them through, you just don't fucken care.

Mihle: If I didn't care I wouldn't be here wanting to explain myself to you

Me: Explain yourself! As if that justifies the shit you did!

Mihle: And does it justify what you did? Using my son as a way to get to me! Huh, does it?!

I opened my mouth to speak but shock kept me silent, I was still trying to comprehend what he said to
me. Obviously what he just said linked to my plan noDabawo but how did he know about that? Did he
know the whole time? I felt like I was running low on breath, he wasn't supposed to know.

Mihle: Tell me you glorious, righteous goddess. Why the fuck would you put my son's life at risk just so
you can keep me? You think I didn't know. Suddenly I have ancestors who want me to marry in order to
safe my son. What type of bullshit is that?

He chuckled, walking from where he was standing towards the wooden pallet hairdresser which had a
beautiful round mirror in the center. He punched the hairdresser causing me jump where I was standing

"Answer me damn at!"

I shook my head, stepping back as he approached me.

Me: I didn't know.

He stopped in tracks, raising a brow at me with that anger still playing around on his face

Mihle: You didn't know

I shook my head multiple times, he had to believe me otherwise I wouldn't have went on with the plan.
It was hard to tell that my son was used for the plan because he started falling sick 2 weeks before we
visited the traditional healer so he had to believe me. I never knew

Me: Hayi, Hayi. I... I wasn't the one who did that.

Mihle: You didn't know. (long pause) You know what, you're sick. You want to know the reason I
stopped loving you, it's because you don't know what love is. You're sick, you're pathetic, you an evil
piece of shit.

Me: Mihle hayi

Mihle: I came to you with an open heart, I'm not perfect Nomthandazo but I asked you to love me as
broken as I am and I promised I'll give you the world. I promised to love you, I opened up to you and
showed you who I really was and you know what you did, you used everything you knew ngam against
me. When I was broken and needed you the most, you, you threatened me into having a way to my
family. I loved you damn at, I loved you.

He stopped talking, for a moment I thought he was going to cry because his voice was cracking but I
shifted the thought far away from my thoughts, I knew he wouldn't. Not a single day have I seen the
man's tears

Mihle: I could have killed you. You had me by the nose and you called it love, I could have killed you. But
you know why I didn't (long pause) I don't kill people I once loved.

I was too dumbstruck to even talk, I didn't know what to say. Not a single day has he said these things to
me, he never expressed any feelings to me so for him to actually start talking astonished me. I wished
our first expression session wasn't like that though

Mihle: I was never going to marry you, ever. You don't know what love is. Uligqwirha into oyiyo (What
you are is a witch) and you need help. Umntanam, that's the only thing that's gonna keep us in contact.

He walked towards me and I could have moved but the emotions I was carrying made me numb, I
couldn't speak nor could I move. He held my neck and tightened his grip, bringing me closer to him

Mihle: And if you ever use my child for your shit again, I'll fight for child custody only because I wouldn't
live happily knowing I killed the mother of my child.

He roughly pressed his lips on my forehead before throwing my head back and stepping away from me
with a look of pure disgust on his face like I was some spreading disease.

Mihle: You can leave.

I was tongue-tied, shattered and shocked. I wanted to tell him I acted out of love, out of fear that he
would leave me. I wanted to tell him I felt I fitted just perfectly with him; the way our hands intertwined,
the way our laughs would blend in so well and create an addictive melody, the way our bodies fit
perfectly together. I wanted to tell him I did all of that because of him, because I wanted to be with him
but instead of talking I picked up my shame and headed straight for the door. He hated me, he didn't
have to say it, one could see it in his eyes as he spoke to me. He hated me. As I stepped out the door I
thought all these other times he gave me signs and I couldn't get the message but now I heard it fluently
and clear, there was no space in his life left for me anymore.

Seventeenth Entry

Mihle

When I drove to Aphindiwe's residence I was still uneasily affected by the conversation I had with
Nomthandazo. My blood was still fuming from refraining so much anger from coming out, I wanted to
do so much to her but when she was speechless for the very first time since I've known her I knew I hit
the nerve. I hoped she now got the picture, I wasn't perfect and I wasn't expecting her to be perfect
either but as twisted as I was, I'd never blackmail my way into someone's life. I'd never use our child as a
way to get to her. That boy was an infant, a damn fragile human who still couldn't fight for himself and
she had the auidicty to use him in such a manner. Trust me when I say I was angered enough to kill her
but I knew I wouldn't bare the thought of ever having to stop someone I once loved from breathing. The
thought of awareness that my son would grow to ask about his mother.

Arriving at my destination, I removed my foot from the accelerator, killing the roaring engine of the big
vehicle. I first took the chance to calm myself before calling Aphindiwe, as little as it worked, I rang her
anyway. She told me she'd be down in a couple of minutes so I waited for her patiently, trying so hard
not to think about the confrontation I had an hour ago. As I sat there awaiting Phindi my phone, echoing
through the speakers causing me to glance at the screen taking in the name of the caller. I laid my head
back on the seat and contemplated answering the phone call because I knew if Aphindiwe came here
before I was finished with this call my night would only get worse. Pearl tried again, triggering my
curiosity. She wasn't the type of girl to call twice, she knew if I didn't pick up the first time I'd probably
get back to her. I disconnected my phone before placing it on my ear

Me: Pearl

Pearl: Hey unjani?

Me: I'm good angel how are you?

Pearl: Ndiright. Can I ask you a favor real quick?

Me: Anything for you.

She giggled, causing a smile to make its way to my face while my eyes remained closed

Pearl: I need to see you tomorrow, please

Me: Uhmmm tomorrow?

Pearl: Ewe please toro, okanye awuzokwazi? (Yes please, or you won't be able to?)

Me: I don't know. I've got a lot on my plate but ndizobona (but I'll see)
Pearl: Okay. Please contact me ekseni ke and let me know if you can or not so I can send you a text if
awukwazanga

Me: Whatever it is, it sounds damn urgent.

Pearl: You'll know when we talk

Me: Alright you shining thing

Pearl: (giggles) Hayi I always tell you it's diamonds that shine not mna.

Me: Same thing

Pearl: Stubborn ass. Goodnight

Me: Goodnight babes

Just on cue as I ended the call the back door swung open making me turn my head to see what she was
doing at the back. She threw in her bag before closing the door and opening the passenger one.

Aphindiwe: Hello

Me: Mambhele

She closed the door and turned to look at me. As she fastened her belt I held her hand, stopping the
motion

Me: My kiss kuqala. You should that's the first thing you do when you enter my car

Aphindiwe: But ayiyo eyakho nje lena

Me: Who's driving it?

Aphindiwe: You but still.

I narrowed my eyes at her, smiling at how stubborn she could be at times

Me: My kiss.

She leaned closer and placed her lips on mine, I brought my hand behind head securing it so she
wouldn't break the kiss. I took her bottom lip between my teeth, nibbling with it before she parted her
lips allowing my tongue in her mouth. I dropped my hand to her neck and just before I moved it to her
chest, her belt clicked indicating that she just undid it. I broke the kiss, giving her one of my naughty
smiles

Me: Ha ha ha.a we can't. Ayoyam kaloku le moto (This isn't my car)

She blushed, rolling her eyes as she fixed herself. My eyes were still fixated on her as my mind
wondered how I've ever gotten to love someone this much. I didn't care what I did wrong to the world
or others, as long as it made her happy and I could be with her, that's all that mattered

Aphindiwe: Sundijonga njalo (Don't look at me like that)

She covered my eyes blocking the view

Me: Okay okay. How are you?

Aphindiwe: I'm good wena?

Me: Remove your hand kaloku Nana

She placed a kiss on my forehead as she moved her hand. I raised a brow at her as I pressed the 'start
engine'

Me: That was weird

Aphindiwe: Intoni?

Me: The forehead kiss. That's my thing

Aphindiwe: (giggles) haisoka.

Me: Uright kodwa? (Are you okay though?)

Aphindiwe: Nday'phila baby, wena?

I sighed, as I focused on the yellow line before making a u-turn in the middle of a two-way road

Me: I saw Nomtha.

She kept quiet and from the corner of my eye I noticed how she suddenly stiffened at the mention of
her sister's name. I turned my head to look at her before facing the road again

"I spoke to her about lanto, and your name wasn't mentioned."

Aphindiwe: How did you do it?

Me: She thinks oko bendiyazi kwakudala (she thinks it's something I've known all along.) To her it's not
something I just heard

Aphindiwe: Oh did she say that?

Me: No

Aphindiwe: Then how do you know?

Me: I know her.

Her doubtful nod brought a small sting of pain in my heart that she seemed to not be trusting me. I felt
she somehow thought she now needed to be more careful around me ever since that incident, I knew a
part of her didn't trust me like she used to. I placed my hand on her thigh and squeezed it

"I've gotten you in too much trouble. I don't plan on doing it again."

She nodded, but a much better nod this time. We drove in silence for quite some time before she
intertwined our fingers with my hand that she's been playing with for the past 10 minutes

Aphindiwe: Siyaphi? (Where we going?)

Me: I got a surprise for you

Aphindiwe: Yintoni leyo? (What's that?)

Me: I bought a new house

Her hands subconsciously stopped moving as her jaw dropped

Me: (laughs) Ndiyadlala (I'm joking)

She freed my hand and folded her arms over her chest

Aphindiwe: That wasn't funny baby, ha.a sundibamba (no don't touch me)

Me: Xolo kaloku Nana.

She pushed her body further to the door when I tried touching her chin

Me: Awusena drama. Thought I was gonna tell you something qha andisazok'xelela xa uqumbe kangaka
(You're so dramatic. Thought I was going to tell you something but I won't now dibde you're mad)

Aphindiwe: Andifuni uyivha (I don't want to hear it)

Me: Lies.

I almost choked on the water I was drinking when she shifted on the seat after a few seconds, giving me
the puppy eyes which always made her win when it came to situations like this one. I cleared my throat
from the liquid that irritated it and literally grinned at her

Me: Don't even try it.

Aphindiwe: Xolo ke babe, I want to hear it

Me: Nope, I'm not saying it Bhelekazi lam so you can continue ngoqumba (sulking)

Aphindiwe: Unje? (You're like this?)

Me: Ndinjani. But you said you don't want to hear it.

Aphindiwe: I was lying.

I smiled, nodding my head

Me: Good but I'll tell you ngexesha lam because you burst my excitement bubble when I wanted to tell
you so let the suspense eat you up baby

Aphindiwe: You are so difficult

She rolled her eyes, turning on her seat so she'd face the road. After a few minutes I was pressing the
remote to the new crib Bulelani bought, the exact house I was in with Nomthandazo a while ago. When
Bulelani and I decided we wanted new cribs he immediately went on with the idea, leaving my
procrastinating ass behind. I only considered the idea real serious last week when Aphindiwe wasn't
able to even stand being in my house for a slight second. I knew if we had to spent out personal time
together like we usually do, I had to go ahead and start searching for a place. Bulelani's new place had
been approved a week prior to the wedding but it wasn't furnished as yet because he was waiting until
his girlfriend gave birth to their daughter. Apparently it would be a new start in his life, his reasoning
lingered along the lines that his new born would need space and security. I didn't want to argue it but
I've been living in suburbs long enough to know if the enemies wanted you, they'd get whether you
were in the hood or in the richest sides of town. Out of all this though, the good part was him lending
me an extra room since Phindi didn't want to be in Belmar no more. I informed and promised him I
would look for a place but for the meantime I needed the room. He only allowed me to stay there
because he trusts me, otherwise he wasn't with it. I was aware though that before Thembakazi gave
birth I needed to be out of there because they were moving in after the baby's born and with my
understanding it was nearing due time.

Aphindiwe looked at me, unable to hold the smile on her face

Me: It's not mine, yeka Lani le but I borrowed it for this weekend since you have a problem with going to
Belmar

Aphindiwe: Oh

I leaned forward kissing her cheek as I undid the safety belt and opening the door. I sensed the
disappointment in her response and didn't know whether it came from the house part or the Belmar
part. She followed behind me to the house after we locked the car. I opened the door and stepped aside
for her to walk in first before stepping in and closing the door

Aphindiwe: Wow, it's so beautiful.

Me: It is

Aphindiwe: When is he buying other pieces of furniture?

Me: Not sure ke Mambhele.

Her head was turning in all angles, taking in the beautiful walls, the marble floors and the ceiling which
was beautifully made. The smile on her face didn't dare to drop, it's been there since we walked in,
reminding me of the day we went to buy my car

Me: You like it?

Aphindiwe: Intle.

Me: I plan on buying something similar but probably a little bigger

She turned slowly and looked at me with eyes glistening with excitement

Aphindiwe: Are you serious?

I nodded, stuffing my hands in my pockets as I watched her reaction. She placed her handbag on the
brown leather couch, her eyes still not leaving me

"Well when you do that could you please include me? "

Me: When I do what? Buy the house or the furniture.

Aphindiwe: The house. When you go for viewing.

She was about a few feet away from me when she stopped walking towards me, probably surprised by
the way I was looking at her. My eyes were on the slit of her dress which showed her perfectly firm thigh

Me: You weren't wearing that today right?

She shook her head, licking her lips free from the Labello she applied in the car not long ago

Me: Come here

She took two slow steps towards me making me approach her in one large step and I picked her up, her
legs encircling around my waist immediately. I crashed my lips on hers as I walked towards the wall and
pressed her against it. I broke the kiss and dropped my lips to her neck, the jacket she was wearing
made a thobe on the floor as she dropped me. I nibbled with the skin on her neck, sucking and licking,
satisfied with every soft moan that left her moan. I found her lips again as one of my hands found her
nipple through the material of the dress. She was beginning to move between the wall and my body
which secured her, grinding slowly as her legs tightened around me bringing me even closer than what I
already was.

Me: Fuck

I broke the kiss and brought my hands to her waist, lowering her to her feet.

Me: Turn around.

She obliged, pushing her ass out for me. I pressed my front on her, making her curse under her heavy
breathing. Both my hands found the ham of her dress and I lifted it up, bringing it up to her waist. When
her ass was exposed I held both of her hands over her head, keeping them in place with one hand as I
pinned her against the wall. My other hand found the lace material between her thighs, she parted her
legs, making it easy for me to shift her panties to the side. I ran my middle finger from her clit, down her
lips and I nearly screamed from joy when I reached her slimy vaginal hole. She was always wet for me,
not a single day did I have to wet any of my fingers when I wanted to play with, her juices always did the
work for me. I pushed my middle finger in, making her stand on her tippy toes but that only made me
push it even deeper

"Ahhhh"

I could feel from the way she was fighting that she wanted to turn around and probably kiss me, but I
wanted her this way, I wanted her to beg me from this angle. My finger was dancing in her and her waist
followed the rhythm: if she wasn't pushing her ass out almost swallowing my whole finger in then she
was on her tippy toes, trying to lift the other leg as further as she could. I was getting harder by second,
the sounds of her moans were driving me crazy but what was doing the most magic was the sound her
pussy made every time I pushed in two fingers. I pulled them out and spanked her ass prior to my thumb
finding its way into her again, she moaned a little louder pressing her ass harder on my erected
manhood. I released her hands and stepped back, examining her body, the view which was facing me.
She tried turning around

Me: Ha.a Nana

I instructed her and she stayed put only bending over a little more, displaying the view that would drive
any man crazy.
Me: Fuck.

I closed the gap, my hands finding her butt cheeks which I spread open positioning myself in between
them. I held her waist and turned her around, finding her lips instantly

Me: The things I wanna do to you

Aphindiwe: Do them babe

She responded with her eyes closed while mine were racing, taking every feature that's on her face. I
ran my thumb over her lips and gulped

Me: No, I'll only be teaching you how to be nasty

Aphindiwe: And I wanna be nasty for you

She opened her eyes and looked at me, her eyes keeping eye contact as though she was pleading me to
do what I wanted to do

Me: Hayi, uright ngoku unje. I love you like this.

I fixed her panties and dress before she could respond and picked up her jacket. She pushed her feet in
her sandals and waited for me as I went over the couch to get her handbag

Me: Let me show you the room.

We walked up the short staircase and approached the last room down the passage. I opened the door
and stepped in, followed by her

Aphindiwe: Who bought the bed?

Me: Me kaloku, we needed something to sleep on right.

Aphindiwe: The bed setting?

Me: Haibo me.

She giggled, placing her jacket on the bed. I placed her bags on the wooden pallet chest of drawers.
There were some furniture pieces here and there, but not everything was in place.

Aphindiwe: It's beautiful.

Me: Enkosi Nana.

I walked over to the bathroom to rinse my hands, when I walked out she was busy on her phone which
she locked and placed on the bed.

Me: We eating out right?

Aphindiwe: Hayi we not done doing what we were doing

Me: Ha.a baby, we can't continue

Aphindiwe: Haibo ngoba?

Me: Because I'll do things to you.

I walked over to her and pulled her up, kissing her forehead

"Things I don't want to do."

Aphindiwe: Kodwa mna ndiyafuna uzenze nje (But I want you to do them)

I planted a kiss on her lips and broke contact heading towards the wardrobe for my suitcase. I took out a
new pair of jeans since the one I was wearing was stained by her.

Me: Uzonxiba ntoni? (What are you going to wear?)

Aphindiwe: So nyani awuf...

Me: Ha.a baby, hayi

She gave me a disapproving look before stomping over to where her bags were. I would rather have her
sulk like she was doing than turning her into something she was not. I changed my denims and threw my
coat on before grabbing everything we'd need and putting it my pockets. She changed quickly from the
dress to leggings and some Puma sneakers, she kept the jacket on, only adding a long-sleeve vest
underneath.

We drove for around Sea point still discussing the type of place she wanted us to eat in. She was always
indecisive when it came to picking a restaurant, I understood that the challenge came from her enjoying
your burgers and ribs whilst I was the meat type of person so she knew she always had to pick a place
which catered for both of us. She finally settled for La Mouette Restaurant. After finding the parking we
made our way in and got ushered to a table for two before receiving the menus for both foods and
beverages. As we were busy checking out the menu and having a small chat, heels clicked against the
floor averting my attention from the book to the person who sounded to be approaching us. I lowered
my menu and smiled at the lady who was now standing at our table

Me: The one and only Nosipho

She smiled, rolling her eyes as well

Nosipho: Hello

I stood up, enveloping her in a hug before stepping back to assess the bump that was growing on her
stomach

Me: Zik'chanile ez'ntwana (These boys got you huh)

Nosipho: Hayi futsek tshini

I laughed, stunned to be seeing her this happy, healthy and good looking. She turned to look at
Aphindiwe, then back at me then at Aphindiwe again. I closed my eyes mentally praying she wouldn't
say anything out of line, she always had a loose tongue as far as I remember

Nosipho: Hey bhaba, unjani?

She extended her hand to Phindi who took it politely while exchanging the greeting
Nosipho: So how did someone as sweet as lomntana end up with you. Bhabha udibene njani nesisdenge
sendoda? (Love how did you mean this fool of a man?)

Me: Uphambene wena (chuckles)

Aphindiwe laughed, passing me a quick look before she looked at Nosi

Aphindiwe: Wandigrogrisa ke sana uba ndijole nawe (He threatened his way into dating me)

Nosipho: Hayi Mihle umntana (No Mihle, the poor child)

I laughed, my eyes not leaving Aphindiwe who just threw me under the bus

Aphindiwe: Ndadlala (I'm joking)

Nosipho: Awusemhle ntwana (You're so handsome)

Me: Kwakudala kaloku, reason why wawundifuna (Since for forever, reason why you wanted me)

Nosipho: Mxm, oko wawunje (Are you still like this?)

Me: Bendizojikwa yintoni? (What was going to turn me?) uGrand man, ndakubona. Ngubani leway
ikumoshileyo? (You're good man, I see. Who's this guy that ruined you?)

Nosipho: A man

Me: Mhuh.

She laughed, smacking my shoulder in the process.

Nosipho: Khame ndihambe, I just saw you walk through that door ndaqonda ha.a asoze ndingakubulisi,
it's been over a year. (Let me go. I just saw you walk through that door and thought I have to come say
hi, it's been over a year.)

Me: I know. Usesekasi (You're still at the hood?)

Nosipho: Ha.a ndimka kaloku. (No I left)

There was silence, the sadness in her response reminding me of the tragedies I put her through by
getting involved with her and trusting her with a little business because of her fierceness character. I
nodded, giving her a genuine smile

"Ndizak'bona ke boy."

Nosipho: Sharp ke ntwana

She sent a wink my way and a smile at Aphindiwe's before retreating to her table. As I watched her, I
thought about the shit her and I went through. From how we always called each other boyish names to
how when I lost my temper and threatened to hit her she'd always grab a knife or some other weapon
to protect herself. She was what we call a gangster girl but fuck she carried herself like a lady regardless.
For you to see it, you had to step on her toes and you'd see how a lady in heels holds an okapi.

Aphindiwe: Who is she?

I trailed from my thoughts when Aphindiwe asked the question

Me: Some ex ka Andrew

Aphindiwe: Oh

I watched her turn to look at Nosi from where she was sitting before returning her attention back to me.
I watched how her face suddenly turned bitchy as she faked a smile

Aphindiwe: She's pretty

Me: What are you going to order?

She looked at the menu again and browsed through it while I leaned back assessing her expression and
body language. I don't why I was bothered but how she raised her eyebrows when I mentioned Drew's
name didn't sit well with me. A part of I knew it was almost nothing and as much as I wanted to ignore it
I couldn't.

Me: Can I ask you something?

I enquired leaning forward, laying my forearms on the table. She nodded still looking at the booklet in
her hands

Me: Ugqibele nini umbona? (When last did you see him?

She closed the menu slowly as her lips parted in obvious confusion

"Who?"

Me: Your colored boy

Aphindiwe: Andiyazi (I don't know) probably a week after the last time you saw us together.

She ignored the nickname. I nodded, sighing loudly at how frustrated I get when I shouldn't be. I still had
to train myself on how to control my anger, more especially when it came to this woman otherwise I'll
sit with a criminal record soon, something I've always managed to ditch my whole life.

We ate the delicious food while I listened to her story about the drama between her cousin, Asanda, and
her boyfriend. She was telling me because she wanted advice so she could tell her cousin what to do,
but instead of giving me the trouble part she ended up giving me the whole story, adding details of two
years back which didn't matter. I figured the guy was an alcoholic and almost similar to the man I was
growing up, the only difference is he wasn't violent nor made us of drugs. I could give her the advice she
needed for her cousin but the person who needed more advising and help was the guy. After a whole 3
hours of sitting, eating and her ordering dessert which was some sweet cake with ice cream she wanted
me to have a spoon of, we left the restaurant, driving back to the house.

Me: So uAsanda doesn't want to leave lomfana?

Aphindiwe: Mxm, yazi babe she annoys me ngoba I think uguy uyambetha (Mxm, you know she annoys
me because I think this guy hits her)
I held onto the brakes without even thinking about it, before snapping my head her direction. My
reaction was caused by the sudden shock I had from her mentioning that, I never really had any
conversation of abuse with anyone, not even my boys spoke of it. There was no one I ever spoke to
about me abusing almost every woman I've been with except for the therapist I kept visiting for a
constant 7 months before I believed I was better and changing. She raised her eyebrows, giving me a
concerned look

Me: I'm sorry

I was aghasted because ever since she started talking about this guy it was her first time raising this type
of allegation. Since we started talking of them in the restaurant she made it appear like the guy was an
angry individual who did wrong things to others but never to her cousin.

Aphindiwe: Are you okay?

"Ya."

I nodded, proceeding with the driving as there was already some arrogant bastard pressing his hooter
for me. I kept quiet, not knowing how to ever advice a person about something I used to do. Something I
wasn't fully recovered from because I didn't even trust myself enough when I was angry. Phindi kept
giving me worried glances and I'm definitely sure she was wondering what she said wrong.

Me: She needs to leave

I said as we parked the car in front of the brown door garage, Phindi gave me a stern look whilst
nodding.

Aphindiwe: Okay

As she prepared to step out of the car I grabbed her arm, preventing her

Me: Why didn't you tell me uyambetha?

Aphindiwe: I did babe

Me: But after the whole story

She shrugged her shoulders

Aphindiwe: I'm not sure Nam I think he's doing it.

Me: Is she with him because uyamthanda or because she's scared?

Aphindiwe: I don't know

Me: You need to ask her.

Her face went from confused to worried in a second. I freed her arm allowing her to step out as I copied
her actions. I was only concerned for Asanda because I knew my girlfriend loved her cousin to death, she
was the closest thing Phindi has had as a sister. I was also worried about her because if she wanted to
leave but couldn't because of fear then she was unhappy, fearful of anything that guy could do to her. I
knew all this because I was that guy and reality slapped me in the face immediately when the abuse
term was mentioned.

Phindi and I walked inside the house, and as her back faced me I couldn't help but wonder how she felt
after all the shit I've put her through. Was she here because she wanted to or because she feared what
I'd do if she ever left. As we ascended the stairs I decided I was going to ask her, just to be at ease. We
got to the bedroom and jumped into the shower, kissing here and there which resulted to us spending
almost an hour in the bathroom. As we were preparing for bed I broke the question that has been sitting
at the back of my mind since we stepped into this house

"MaLanga?"

She turned to face me, blushing like a crazy woman

Aphindiwe: You never used that one to call me

Me: Uqhele uMambhele? (What are you used to, Mambhele?

She nodded, still blushing I swear she'd crack anytime if she continued

Me: Can I ask you something, and be entirely honest about it babe.

Aphindiwe: Okay, you're scaring me. You never ask for honesty, you intimidate you way through it.

Me: (chuckles) Do you love me?

Aphindiwe: What?

She laughed, looking at me like I just asked her the dumbest question there was to ever ask on this
earth. I leaned against the chest of drawers, crossing my arms over my bare chest

Aphindiwe: You are funny. Yintoni nah, am I not showing it enough?

Me: I just want to hear you say it, you haven't said it since we got back together.

She placed the pillow on her side of the bed then started moving towards me until there was absolutely
no space between us anymore. My hands were on her waist now and her head was bent over so she
could look at me

Aphindiwe: I love you, more than any other guy I know.

I raised a brow. She broke contact, moving back to continue what she was doing

Me: More than David?

She twirled around with her eyes closed

Aphindiwe: Maybe

I smiled, sighing softly

Me: Are you with me willingly?

She stopped doing what she was doing and looked at me with an expression of knitted eyebrows
Aphindiwe: Haibo ewe, why are you asking these things?

Me: I just want to know if I'm being to rough, if I'm forcing you kule relationship. You know you once
told me Drew would make a better boyfriend than I. I just want to know you happy, you want to be
here.

Aphindiwe: About the Andrew part, I was angry and very hurt.

She turned giving me her back as she continued fixing my side of the bed. There was nothing to fix
really, all she had to do was remove the extra pillows but for some reason she felt it was okay fixing the
ones we'd use before placing them on the bed

Aphindiwe: And if I didn't want to be here? Then what?

Now that the question was being asked I didn't know what I'd do. Would I let her go? She was the
closest thing I've had to perfection. She was my addict, my drug, my peace. If people didn't understand
why Grey kept Anastasia and wanted to change for her then at least I did, it was this exact feeling I had
for this lady. My silence made her look at me, still awaiting my response

Me: I don't know

I responded honestly. She looked at me, a look so reassuring and comforting. A look which told me she
loved me regardless of everything, regardless of how much a monster other people saw me

Aphindiwe: Andiyindawo (I'm not going anywhere) okay.

I nodded prior to removing myself from the wooden object. I made my way to bed and sat on my side as
I checked my phone

Aphindiwe: What are we doing tomorrow?"

Me: Uhm nothing.

Aphindiwe: Can we go to the movies?

I shifted on the bed, fixing my sitting position so I could look at her the right way. She laughed, and
kneeled her way to me.

Aphindiwe: Please, handsome please

Me: I never went to the movies before

Aphindiwe: There's a first time for everything.

She grinned showing off her teeth. I kept my straight face, mentally debating to myself whether I should
go for this one or not. The reason I had all the movies I wanted on a PC or USB storage stick was because
I didn't want to find myself at queues in the cinema

Me: What are we watching if we go there?

Aphindiwe: A movie baby.

Me: I know but what type?

Aphindiwe: We'll see phaya (We'll see there)

I tried removing her arms which were around my neck but she tightened her hold, still selling me those
puppy eyes. When I just stared at her with a stern face, giving her the type of challenge she wanted she
broke the hold and planted a kiss on my lips

"You're the best boyfriend ever."

Me: I haven't agreed

Aphindiwe: No need babe, I know we going anyway.

I chuckled, tackling her from the back as she crawled back to her side of the bed. She giggled before
breaking into a loud laugh as I started tickling her

Me: Are you taking advantage of my love Mrs Gabavu?

Aphindiwe: Hayi! Not at all!

She shouted in between the laughter. She was kicking and arching her back, trying to break free

Aphindiwe: Baby Hayi! Stop!

I stopped moving my fingers against her skin but kept my hands where I knew she didn't want them. She
kept shaking her upper body, an attempt to move my hands from her sensitive area

Aphindiwe: Suka kaloku (Move then)

Me: Ask kakuhle otherwise ndizophinda (Ask nicely otherwise I'll do it again)

Aphindiwe: Nyawuza wam

Me: Bhelekazi wam

Aphindiwe: Ndicela usuke Tatekhaya (Please move)

I kept quiet, my eyes looking at her ass which was now bare because my t-shirt which she was wearing
was now risen up to her back

Me: Mhhhh but I love this view.

She giggled and I could just imagine how much she was blushing when she buried her face on the white
sheets

Aphindiwe: Then stay there ke baby.

I lowered my hands against her skin until they were resting on each of her butt cheeks. She was
suddenly quiet, waiting for my next move. Instead of doing what I knew she wanted me to do, what I
knew my manhood was begging me to do, I lowered my head and kissed her right butt cheek before
backpedaling to my place.

Me: Let's sleep, we have movies to watch tomorrow.

And I held her in my arms, waiting for her to finally go to sleep before I did. I wanted to know she was
breathing, I wanted to be sure before closing my eyes because not a single day did I think I'd bare ever
losing this soul.

Eighteenth Entry

Aphindiwe's POV

Exams came and there was really no time for playing. The pressure Mihle was driving in me even caused
him to stop visiting two weeks before I started my exams, urging how important it was for me to study
and do my utmost best because both he and David wanted the end results to be pretty impressive.
During every call he reminded me about how important school. For a man with no tertiary level he sure
did a lot to keep me motivated. The only time him and I were to see each other was after my last exam,
his rules, that being the third weekend of November. My timetable was hectic, there was literally no
even gaps in between the dates to grant me me enough time to study so I pushed starting 2 weeks
before, but later discovered even that wasn't enough. I made a mental note that during my third year,
I'd start studying two months prior.

During the time of the exams I spent a lot of time with my girls, we studied together at our apartment
and for once Kim was well-behaved, not wanting us to go out. This is what I liked about my girlfriends,
they certainly knew how to have fun, the very right ways so to confirm, but I also admired how seriously
they took school. Yes Kimberely was easily distracted but she gave in a hell lot of effort when Loot and I
gave her no chance to socialize. Amongst all other things though, they had no knowledge of my
relationship with Mihle because the last time I updated them about the situation, it was a topic about
my hate for the guy . I figured I couldn't disclose my current situation to them for various reasons: being
judged, asked how and when we got back together, composing myself even when they continue bashing
him which I knew was likely to happen, and the so judgemental comments and looks I was bound to
receive. I preferred to keep to myself until further notice, if they did find out eventually then that's
when I was going to tell them. Nonetheless, that was the least of my worries, I had exams coming up
and knowing my monthly allowance depended on them, I had serious studying I needed to do. I was
very much aware that my Dearest father would want my results emailed to him again the minute I
received them and if there was any fail, I was losing a whole R1000 from the money he was already
giving me.

With the nightmares still on the way but not as bad as before, I pushed, sleeping less and studying more.
Luthando worried about me more than any other person because she had witnessed yet another of my
seizures not long after we started writing. I was in the room, having slept whilst studying and I
underwent the fits session again, terrifying the living hell out of her. She urged we visit the doctor and
we did, only to be told the same thing again; watch my stress, clean diet and sleep more. Since the
doctor confirmed that the seizures were from the accident I was less worried, at least I knew the cause.
My fear would be if it just happened out of nowhere, then I would have considered it as a dark cloud
hanging over me but fortunately there was a cause to it.

Some day during my exams Mihle and I were talking on the phone and I was complaining about how I'd
be far from him even during my birthday. He promised me a pleasant surprise so he described it,
informing me that it was worth the wait because even if I celebrated it a week after its date, he would
still make sure it doesn't fade from my memory lane. His promise ignited excitement in me and I
honestly couldn't keep calm. Unfortunately, I had nobody to talk about the various ideas I thought he
had in mind, so I went about thinking alone what it was he was planning to do for me.

I finished my exams two days before Kimberley, and as for Loot she was ahead of us, resting for almost a
week. After my last exam paper I entered the flat, throwing my shoulder bag on the counter. I dragged
my feet to the fridge and pulled the door open before stopping whatever I was doing because of the
deep voice coming from our room. I tip toed to the door and leaned closer, taking in the husky voice
from the other side of the door. I rolled my eyes when I recognized it, Tyson and Loot were at it again. I
threw my knuckles on the door before treating back to the kitchen while shouting

"Yall better keep it down please! "

Luthando laughed out loud before answering back

Lithamdo: You back babe? How was the paper?!

Me: Tense!

She opened the door and stepped out, wearing a loose thigh-high dress. I stood by the fridge scanning it
for a bottle of something strong, I needed to let loose

Luthando: Ububhala ntoni kanene? (What were you writing again?

Me: Ububhanxa beLaw of Persons

She chuckled, digging through a plastic bag of goodies yase Pick n Pay which I presume Ty brought for
her

Luthando: That module's is too bitchy ke sana, I had it for 2 years straight then supped it beginning this
year.

Me: I failed it.

She cracked open the Pringles and poured some on her hand before handing me the container. I took
the glass of water and followed her to the lounge area. I was about to address her again when the
bedroom door opened, distracting both of us. Tyson walked out talking on the phone, he stood behind
the couch where Loot was sitting and lazily dropped his hand on her neck. He sent a wink my way, a way
of telling me he acknowledges my presence, I smiled before turning my attention to the TV. After a
while he finished on the phone

Tyson: P you good?

Me: I'm okay yourself

Tyson: I'm holding up.

I nodded, watching him whisper something to Luthando. He was one of the only guys who still spoke to
me even without Odwa around, others were off and it gave me the feeling that they either were doing O
a favor with being friendly towards me or they actually thought I was really part of his murder, which
was partly true. They must be missing him because I knew I did, it got worse on days like this one, where
I'd have to see or hang around his friends. It was hard not to think of him, and as much as everybody
seemed to have moved on, I was still hung onto it for obvious reasons. I was disturbed from my thinking
when my best friend called my name, I looked her way erasing all sadness from my face

Luthando: Ndisakhapha uTy evha, I might be gone for an hour or two.

Me: Sure friend. Bye Ty

Tyson: Sure

They walked out, leaving me to an empty apartment. You're probably wondering what happened to our
roommate Siyasanga, well nothing really, she's still healthy and living but ubabes got a boyfriend, one a
little too old for her so she was barely around. I worried about her, telling her not to abandon her
studies but from the way she acted she was definitely throwing everything back in my face. I wasn't
surprised ke kodwa ubaby girl probably only listened to her parents. My mind trailed back to Odwa and I
sat there drowning in my thoughts, feeling like the worst person ever to still be sleeping with the man
who killed him. Okay wait, let me correct myself, to still be loving the man who killed him. I wasn't any
better of a person and there were times when I hated myself way more than other days. I felt I was no
far from any type of murderer because as wonderful as my life was becoming I was still crazy in love
with the same man who held women hostage, who once raped and abused one my age and the same
damn guy who killed my lover.

I sighed, emptying the container of pringles, I then dragged myself to the fridge again for another glass
of cold water. After that I locked the door and decided a nap would do, later on I would go purchase a 6
pack or a bottle of wine.

I jotted up, listening attentively to what I thought was a knock at the door. I balanced on my elbow and
paid mind to the sound but when nothing came I assumed it was probably a dream. I was about to go
back to sleep when the sound echoed from the lounge area to my room again causing me groan from
frustration

Me: Okay!

The person knocked again, and again

Me: Fine, I'm coming! Geez fuck.

I literally sleepwalked to the door and unlocked it, swinging it open without even checking through the
peep hole who was the intruder. I stood face to face with a Kim who was grinning stupidly

Kimberley: Babes how are you sleeping?

Me: Nicely

She pushed her way inside and I closed the door, bringing my hands to my stinging eyes. I still needed
some sleep.

Kimberley: Where's Loot? Guys it's Thursday yall can't be sleeping

Me: I was sleeping and still want to sleep

She raised her eyebrows, giving me a challenging look. I yawned making my way to the bedroom and
she followed behind

Kimberley: You forgot what's happening today right?

Me: What's happening?

Kimberley: So you forgot

Me: Khathethe Kim (Talk Kim)

Kimberley: Wow where's Thando?

Me: Out with Ty.

I tucked myself under the blankets only to have eli colored pull them away

Me: Kim hayi man!!

She laughed, clapping her hands together before existing the room. I took the chance to fix my duvet
and wrap myself around it

Kimberley: Today is my brother's birthday!

She exclaimed from the kitchen causing my face to drop, she was right, today was Andrew's birthday
and I so didn't want to go. When I didn't answered she questioned

"Did you hear me?!"

Her colored accent is even stronger when she has to raise her voice. I rolled my eyes and yelled back

Me: Yes but I'm not feeling well!

I heard her storm from the kitchen to the bedroom and I covered my head avoiding any of her faces

Kimberley: Could you please just sit up!

Me: Why are you yelling?

I peeped through the blanket, giving her an exasperated face. Oh she really annoyed me sometimes. She
placed her hands on her waist and glared at me, I rolled my eyes, filling my patience slip slowly through
my veins. I was about to respond to her attitude when the front door opened and Loot shouted Kim's
name. She gave a genuine smile as she turned and walked out of the room. I went back finding comfort
under my sheets before they walked back in, smiling and talking. As expected, Kim was complaining to
Loot about my behavior

Luthando: Haibo kanti what's wrong babe, are you okay?

Kimberley: She's pregnant.

If I was drinking any liquid I would have choked

Me: Are you mad?

Kimberley: Love you been moody, you snap easily and well, uhm maybe you need to get laid
I nodded, giving her a full grin smile

Me: I'm just tired honestly.

She was about to talk when I added

"And I was stressed about the exams."

Kimberley: Fine, now that's over so stress less. Can we please go and get drunk with Andrew tog

Me: You've got a paper to study for Kim

Kimberley: I know. And that's my problem to worry about

Me: Okay fine.

Luthando: Maybe you really need to get laid.

Me: Ubani? Mna? (Who? Me?)

She nodded, giving me her usual cute face. I snorted unable to stop the smile which broke its way
through my face

Me: I'm fine guys, trust me.

Kimberley dropped herself on my bed and looked at me for the longest time before squeezing my foot
under the duvet

Kimberley: You know I love you right?

Me: I doubt it sometimes

Kimberley: Come on, you know I'm very bad when it comes to showing affection

Me: Always makes me wonder how you date ke sana.

Kimberley: Back to the topic please. And because I love you I can't leave you here, all alone so I'm
pleasing you, I'm literally on my knees

Me: Nope, you're on my bed.

Luthando: Yho awusekho sarcastic namhlanje (Yooh you're so sarcastic)

Kimberley: She's being a mooi poes today. Anyway please come with us, I beg you. We need this time
out. You know we've had a tough year, next week you are going home so can we just do it.

Me: Last time in 2017?

Kimberley: Last time.

I held out my pinky to her and she hooked hers, kissing the back of her hand.

Me: Fine. When I'm tired, hungry with a terrible headache I'm not the best so let me fix those first.
And also when I miss Mihle I wanted to add but reminded myself that they didn't know about my
current relationship status

Luthando: We have figured already, you got some mood swings nyani shame but yours are bearable
because they come once every 2 months

Kimberley: But when they come they're strong shame.

I dropped my feet from the bed and went over to my handbag, I searched it for painkillers before leaving
the room, following after the girls who were now standing in the middle of the kitchen talking about
what to eat. Loot took out the packet of bacon from the freezer and fish fingers, she threw them in the
microwave. I leaned on the counter and focused my attention on the plastic which was on top of the
counter

Me: You should really stop Ty from buying all these things, guy will get us fat.

Luthando: Says the same girl who'd tell Mihle she's hungry then he'd drop takeaways from all
restaurants that exist.

I laughed, shaking my head

Me: Lies. He only did that when we didn't know what we wanted to eat, nakhona it was only two
different foods.

Luthando: But still. I've got this...

She said pointing at her stomach fat which was only growing a little, removing the figure from her body

"Because of your boyfriend. Oops sorry, ex."

Me: It's cool.

I wanted to laugh right there and then but I kept my act on. I was aware they'd be really mad at me after
finding out I was actually still seeing Mihle but that's a bridge I was planning to cross when they found
out.

We prepared some food then found comfort on the couch, four plates laid out on the coffee table.
There was only fatty foods: bacon, cheese grilllers, fish fingers and scrambled eggs. We stuffed ourselves
talking about we'd be wearing to the damn party. I was excited about getting drunk but wasn't really
excited about doing it in Andrew's presence. I felt I was forbidden from seeing the guy with or without
Mihle, I always had a panic mood when I was going to be in the same space as him.

That was another thing I never shared with the girls, they already gave their opinions about how they
thought Mihle was controlling me when he'd track my number so I didn't want them going on about this
too. As we sat there I realised I was the only one who wasn't looking forward to this night and Kim
noticed because she'd nudge me every now and then asking if I was okay and I'd reply by just nodding.
At least I didn't have the usual feeling of something bad about to happen so I took it as a sign, maybe
Drew was going to allow me to have fun and not bother me.

When the time was nearing 4 in the afternoon Kim left to prepare herself, giving Thando and I a chance
to do the same. We picked out our outfits and took a long shower with music blasting through the
speakers. Whenever we had to speak we did it ontop of our voices especially when one of us was
anywhere either than the bedroom.

It was past 7 when we left the flat to Kim who was already parked outside the gate. I was still at that
stage of trying to convince myself that Drew was probably not going to do anything to me, he wasn't
going to talk to me because he'd be too busy welcoming people. I snorted when I realised how stupid
the thought alone was, there was no way it was going to turn out that way.

Before arriving at our destination we visited a liquor store and bought our favorite, not because Andrew
wouldn't have the money for them but because we wanted to drink our way into the party. As we
continued with our journey, entering the hood I scanned the place wondering why Drew chose staying
at the Cape Flats when he could afford a decent place. For all I know the guy had a lot of money to
afford a decent life. Just like the very first time we came here my heart was hammering through my
chest and my head, my head was doing 360 turns gazing at every person standing on the streets and
corners. This place was fucken creepy, it scared the living shit out of me. I poked Kim who was still
driving and whispered

"Is the party held here?"

Kimberley: Why are you whispering?

Me: This place creeps me out dude.

She laughed, shaking her head as she stopped the car, making sure the doors are locked. How was I not
supposed to be scared when she still did that even after the hundredth time of being there. I sat still on
the car seat but my eyes were roaming around the area, taking in every shady human that walked past
the car. Kim was making a call to Andrew and he only picked up after the second try

Kimberley: Waar's djy? Ons is hier buite (Where are you, we're here outside)

Andrew must have said something out of line to her because she rolled her, pouting her lips like she
always did when she was annoyed. She continued in a stern voice

Kimberley: So waar's die sleutels? (So where are the keys)

She listened for over a minute before gasping, shaking her head as though Andrew could see her

"Daar's nie 'n Papi hierso, so ons wy because hierde mense kyk reeds na ons (There's no Papi here, so
we are leaving because these people are looking at us already)"

I heard him chuckle through the speaker before Kim ended the call and started reversing the vehicle

Luthando: What were we here for in the first place?

Kimberley: Some stupid cables and we can't continue standing here like we don't know our business,
people here are kak stout.

Me: But they should be afraid of your brother aren't they?

I asked based on my judgment of knowing who Mihle really was, and if there was so much connection
between Mihle and Drew that meant Drew had to be part of the game as well. Kim passed me a look
before shrugging her shoulders

Kimberley: They treat him like any normal person so I don't know.

I nodded, not wanting to dwell into a conversation that was probably going to sell Mihle out, as much as
I wanted her to spill the beans. We finally left the area and drove until we arrived at some public park,
its atmosphere and nature reminding me of Zoo lake in Johannesburg. We spotted the group which
rather had too many coloreds than I anticipated. There was a white, beautiful modern stretched out
tent and chairs which were occupied by people. From where we were trying to park we could hear the
loud music blasting through the speakers which stood tall on either side of the tent

Luthando: Trust Andrew with going extra on everything.

Kimberley: Dude, and I actually thought he was going to host this at the usual spots. There he goes
picking a park and hiring a tent

Me: But it's a great environment. Is the park open 24/7?

Kimberley: I don't know about this one but for sure it is, he knows we not sleeping mos so he can't bring
us to a place that closes at midnighy.

I cringed at her statement of not sleeping, I was pretty two hours into the party and I'd want my bed
that's if I don't get drunk in time. As we stepped out of the car, a pregnant lady who looked a few years
older than us approached us walking alongside Papi. She smiled at Kim and I looked between the girls,
she was obviously more happy about seeing Kim than Kim was seeing her. She threw arms around Kim
and spoke in a sharp voice

"Jy is skaars. Ek het geprobeer om van jou te hou. (You're scarce. I tried getting hold of you)"

Kimberley: Ek's altyd beskikbaar (I'm always available)

She giggled, before looking at Luthando who claimed her spot next to Kimberley. The way her smile
slowly faded from her face reminded me of how white people always looked when we blacks step into
the room.

Luthando: Papi how are you?

Papi: I'm good honey yourself. Nicki?

I raised a brow at the nickname I told him to get rid off but I figured I could live with it since I barely saw
the guy.

Me: Hey Papi.

He took the car keys from Kim telling her he was instructed by Drew to park the car in a much safer
place for her. We left him and approached the tent, as expected a lot of people knew Kim and it was
acceptable because she was the sister of guy. I cringed when I saw the man of the day walk to us,
dressed in black jeans, a white t-shirt and a black leather jacket. He gave Kim a quick side hug followed
by a kiss on the forehead and did the same to Loot prior to stepping in front of me, hugging and picking
me up during the comfort

Kimberley: What the fuck! Why aren't we getting such hugs?

Andrew: Because you guys aren't Phindi. Skatie hoe gaan dit?

He asked directing the question to me. I stepped back moving away from his embrace and hands which
he didn't drop from my waist

Me: I'm good, really good.

He gave me a look which carried a lot of questions but instead nodded. I looked on the side and saw the
lady whose name I still didn't know throw daggers at me. I narrowed my eyes and stepped a little further
from Drew aware of the type of look she was giving me. This was her man, it was so obvious

"Sean my love, you didn't introduce me."

She cheeped again, taking a step towards Andrew. She hooked her arm around his and looked up at him

Andrew: Oh yes, uhm djy ken my suster, these are her friends, the loving Luthando and precious
Aphindiwe

"Precious Aphindiwe."

Andrew: Bella nie nou nie (Bella not now)

She glared at me before dropping her eyes to her feet. Kim cleared her throat with a big smile on her
face before grabbing both Loot and I and dragging us away from the couple. I looked over my shoulder
and saw how Andrew was talking to her and from where he was standing he looked a little annoyed

Luthando: Is that the girlfriend?

Kimberley: Side chick then she promoted herself by getting contacts of me, my cousin. Like of the whole
family. Then boom next thing we know she's pregnant, brother didn't know she wasn't on pill no more
now he's stuck with her.

Me: That's sad

Kimberley: Not for Andrew though, he'll probably take his child and leave her.

Me: That's even worse.

Kim gave me a subdued laugh before nodding in agreement. We walked over to where the Punch tanks
were and I was reminded of how beautifully made the punches I had at his celebration were. I took a
plastic cup from the table and looked at the 3 different tanks, I settled for the dark purple one.

Me: I heard she called him Sean

Luthando: That's his second name. And why is she using that name yena?

Kimberley: Because she wants to be unique

She said before bending over to take a sip from my cup and gave the drink a taste. It was the best shit
ever, it tasted so close to some type of juice you'd forget you are drinking alcohol. I had to get a recipe
of how they made punches with so much vodka taste this good. Luthando came with her Ice Tropez so I
presumed she'd try out the alcohol when she was finished with the one in hand. We waited for Kim to
fill her glass before finding ourselves some chairs which we dragged to where the gents were braaing. I
knew only 2 of his friends but my best friends seemed to be familiar with quite a number of them.

As I was chatting to Luthando I felt a hand being thrown over my chair, gracing my shoulders. I turned
on my chair and saw Andrew downing some Heineken

Andrew: I want to talk to you, it's been forever since we spoke.

Me: I'm still a little busy with Luthando.

I was hoping Thando would bail me out but instead she threw her hand carelessly in the air

Luthando: No you guys can continue.

Me: Alright then so.

I turned completely and faced him as I tried to look as calm as ever. My stomach churned and I felt
anxious like Mihle was somewhere around and would come out throwing a tantrum about seeing me
here

Andrew: You look nice

I laughed, smacking his shoulder playfully

Me: Come on, you tell me that all the time you see me

Andrew: And I mean it all the time I see you.

I was about to answer when a chair was thrown next to Andrew and baby mama dropped herself on it,
crossing her legs so one of them was touching Andrew's. I rolled my eyes while looking the other way. I
watched her gently place her hand on his knee and he leaned back, clenching his jaw before he sighed
continuing with our conversation. He asked me about the normal I expected him to ask, how I been
holding up and all, and I was thankful he didn't ask me anything about Mihle. He made sure to make the
conversation just about me, maybe he was annoyed to be always talking about the guy when he spoke
to me. I appreciated his effort of always wanting to know me better. I almost choked when Bella spoke,
reminding us of her presence

Bella: Maybe you should go to your friends, I need some time with my man.

I opened my mouth but closed it again, I was dumbfounded, bitch really thought I was after her man. I
opened my mouth again desperate to answer her but my phone cut me off, vibrating in my handbag. I
pulled it out and checked the name

Me: Can I take this?

He nodded and kept his eyes fixated on me as I excused myself, answering the phone call which was
from the very man I was betraying by just chilling in the same space as Andrew. I exhaled and prepared
myself for the phone call I been waiting for the whole day. I missed him and the training kept him busy
up until late. He was always complaining about eating less and being tired. I slid my thumb on the screen
and placed the phone against my ear. All it took was the sound of his voice and I was feeling
claustrophobic.

Nineteenth Entry

Nomthandazo's POV

There seemed to be nothing that could bring me out of my misery. I thought maybe after having spoken
to Mihle I would be okay instead I was worse than before. I couldn't shift the feeling that I was
responsible for him falling out of love, that I was the reason he seeked love elsewhere. Not a single day
did I ever step out of my comfort zone and view our relationship from another person's perspective, to
me we were good the way we were. Yes, I never understood where all the toxicity came from in our
relationship but all that time I thought it was just a passing phase, little did I know it was because I
mistreated a man when he needed the most comfort there was to give. I hadn't completely forgave him
for what he did with Nosipho which led to me having a miscarriage but I was aware of the change and
regret he showed after that crisis. How he made sure I got the help I needed, he made sure I was okay
and recovering from everything while I on the other hand, I didn't even ask if he was okay. I didn't even
bother knowing about how he dealt with losing a child, all I ever cared about was blaming him and his
mistress. What I did after feeling I was strong enough to face the world from the help he got me, I went
out and cheated on him. I got myself a man that was at a higher standard than him; a man who owned
business and had a life better than Mihle's and I made sure he knew about the guy. I remember seeing
him crash, not knowing what to do but after a few weeks he dumped me only to run after him again.
When I did that I thought he'd probably spit on my face and tell me how fucked up I was, that's when I
expected such a confrontation from him but instead to prove his love for me he took me back and we
tried again. Once again, we never spoke about it, about his feelings and whether he really did forgive
me, we just moved on and pretended to be happy. And then again, when I went out knocking on each
door of every girl I suspected he slept with, I never questioned later how that had made him feel, I never
really cared as long as he was back in my arms. I couldn't give a damn about how I did it or what I did, as
long as he was sleeping next to me at the end of the day. Now three years later he feeds me the damage
I've made, the type of hurt I've caused. As I'm denial as I always, it was hard for me not to feel any type
of guilt in this situation. My heart was heavy from every word he spoke, I still feel every piece of me
shutter when I think of his words, his tone of disgust, regret and pain. I had been stopping myself from
texting him, deleting written messages and reminding myself that he probably didn't want to see me
ever again.

I shook my aching head, unable to sleep again. For the past week I had been having sleepless night and
bad days at work, because if I wasn't thinking about my son then my mind was polluted by his father. I
removed myself from the warm blankets and dragged my feet to the kitchen. I threw the sleeping pills in
my mouth and gulped the water, praying that I'd be able to wake up 4 hours from then. I retreated back
to my bed and decided I'd ring him, maybe if I spoke to him I'd have some peace at mind. His line rang
thrice before I heard his husky voice on the other side

Mihle: Nomthandazo
I opened my mouth to speak but only choked on my breath, unable to form a single word. I could feel
some tears making way to my eyes as the voice in my head kept telling me it was my fault

Mihle: Is everything okay? Is uboy okay?

Of course he'd think the only reason I've called him at past 1 in the morning was because our son wasn't
feeling okay

Me: Ewe uright

Mihle: Then why did you call me?

I heard shuffling from his side and that made me shift too, fixing my sleeping position which suddenly
didn't feel so comfortable. I've never been nervous speaking with Mihle but since I knew he hated me
and probably wished his baby mama was someone else either than me, I was beyond nervous

Me: I wanted us to talk

He chuckled and groaned

Mihle: Talk, at one thirty-six?

Me: Uxolo, I was just...

Mihle: I've got work in 5 hours damn at, and you want to call ngelixesha (at this time).

Me: Uxolo, I couldn't sleep oko ndikucinga (Sorry, I couldn't sleep I've been thinking about you)

Mihle: Goodnight Nomthandazo.

Me: Wait!

He sighed a little too loud for what I preferred

Me: I wanted to say I'm sorry

Mihle: Is that all?

I blinked unable to form an answer for that. What I didn't expect was the type of response he gave me, I
thought maybe he'd be glad to hear me say that

Me: Ewe that's all

Mihle: Sure.

He ended the call, leaving me dumbfounded and hurting even more. I closed my eyes preventing any of
the tears I felt pecking to fall out.

I don't recall having slept but I woke up to my alarm disturbing my peaceful sleep, I'll describe it as
peaceful because it was the only thing keeping me from reality. I passed my eyes to my baby's cot and
saw he was still sleeping meaning I could try getting ready for a work before he woke up. Most times he
woke up before I even dressed up and I'd have to squeeze in some time for his morning meal before
getting ready again and not trying to be late. I was fixing my hair in front of the mirror, thinking about
Mihle when Alakhe woke up, doing the first thing he did every morning, crying. Fortunately my weave
was already tied on a neat bun so I marched to his baby bed and picked him up

Me: Boy ka mama. Hello Gimba wam

I laid him back on his bed before walking around the room, grabbing everything I needed for changing
his diaper, I laid him down on the baby mat and began the process. Whoever said motherhood was the
best phase in one's life wasn't actually lying but they weren't telling the truth either because they left
out all the important information about how you sacrificed everything for your little one; from your
time, to your last cent. The minute you become a mother nothing was about you anymore. In my
situation for instance, people watched me constantly worry about Mihle loving another woman but in
actual fact I feared for my son growing without a father. Yes I might have been selfish because I wanted
Mihle all to myself, but the biggest reason I wanted to keep him was because of our boy. When I told my
mother about it she lectured me, giving me examples of people I know who have been single parenting
since I was born. She mentioned Busie on her list and I told myself whenever I felt I couldn't do it no
more, I'll call my best friend.

Before picking up my beautiful son I placed a kiss on his nose and watched him giggle, bringing his foot
to his mouth.

Me: Ha.a no time to place boy, mommy is rushing kaloku.

I picked him and walked out of the room, luckily his nanny was already in because I heard her speak with
Sivuyisiwe as I approached the kitchen.

Me: Mam'Tanga

The black woman who has been my nanny for a month now and was perfectly fitted for the job looked
at me then her eyes dropped to my son whom she grew fond of the very moment she laid eyes on him

Mam'Tanga: Bhele, Bhele. Molo Tata

She took him from my arms and stroked his cheeks with her gentle fingers

"Yhooo uyasinda ngoku, kutheni ingathi ufuna uphinda uthi (Yoooh you're heavy now why does it seem
like you want to again)"

She said that, bringing her arms out demonstrating someone who has picked up some weight.

Me: Usinda nyani (He's really heavy)

She laughed, nodding as she held him carefully while walking with him in her arms to the stove

Me: Mandihambe (Let me go)

She threw a smile my way while nodding. I ran back to my room, threw my slippers in the shoe boxes
and grabbed the pair of heels. I sat on the bed and wore the pencil heels, grabbed my work bag,
handbag and stepped out. Something I didn't mention to yall is my new car. Mother preached about
important it was for me to have a car since I now have a baby. She kept defending Sivu, saying I needed
my own because Sivu won't always be available when there's an emergency alert concerning my child.
So congratulate me because I am finally in debt. For someone who learned how to drive six years ago
and had a well paying job, I wasn't thrilled about having a new car. I was the type who needed a big
beautiful home first but life does always humble us right.

I was listening to Beyoncé, trying to ignore the headache that was reminding me of my sleepless night.
Instead of thinking about how my day will unfold as I usually did, my mind was thinking about the
conversation I had early in the morning with Mihle. I snorted, rolling my eyes at how stupid I am. What
did I really expect from him, that he was going to jump at my apology and welcome me with open arms.
I mean he was convinced I had something to do with Alakhe's sickness which in actual fact I knew
absolutely nothing about. My phone vibrated on the empty seat beside me, disturbing my thoughts. I
reached for it as I slowed down to find my parking, the caller ID had me by surprise

Me: Hello

I cleared my throat, hating the way I sounded like I was the happiest teenager for receiving the call

Mihle: Hey.

Me: Unjani? (How are you?)

Mihle: Ndiyaphila. Bendizokuxelela I'll be coming by your place tonight, I need to talk to your parents

Me: Oh. About?

Mihle: Everything

Me: What do you mean everything?

Mihle: You'll know xa ndilapho. I need to clear the air so they don't keep me from seeing my son

Me: Oh no they wouldn't, ndim who could do that and okwa ngoku ndisafuna umbona (it's me who
could do that and for now I still want you to see him)

Mihle: I'll be there around 6

Me: Fine, ndizopheka ke (Fine, I'll cook then)

Mihle: Sure.

He ended the call again before I could respond. I sighed suddenly feeling nervous about everything. I
knew Mihle very well and he was going to try searching everything he knew and reveal everything he
thought he knew. I was beyond fucked.

When the day came to an end it didn't feel like a Friday, I was stressed like it's a bloody Monday. I drove
to Checkers supermarket to grab some ingredients I would need for the supper I was going to make.
When I arrived home Sivuyisiwe was already home, relaxed on the couch still in her navy suit

Me: Haibo kanti ufike at what time? (Oh wow, what time did you arrive?)

Sivuyisiwe: About 30 minutes ago. And then the groceries?

She dragged herself off the couch and followed me to the kitchen. I placed the plastic bags on the
counter and turned to face her
Me: Mhuh?

Sivuyisiwe: Are you cooking?

Me: Ewe, Mihle is come over.

She chocked from nothing, I rolled my eyes at how dramatic she gets at times

Sivuyisiwe: Mihle?

Me: Ewe.

Sivuyisiwe: Mihle?

I dropped my hand which was holding the packet of country mix and looked at her, with my head titled
to the side

Me: Are you serious?

Sivuyisiwe: And you're even cooking for the guy are you serious?!

Me: I'm not cooking for him. I'm cooking for the family.

Sivuyisiwe: And because he's coming!

Me: Could you please toro.

She dropped her hands forcefully on the counter and drummed them

"Fine, hlele ungasimameli when it comes to your glorious Mihle so cook bhabha."

Me: Please don't annoy me!

Sivuyisiwe: Cook lala!

She shouted on her way to the lounge. I sighed leaning against the sink, what I didn't need was another
negative energy when I already had a bucket fall of that. I was halfway through with the cooking when
my parents arrived, and as usual my mother stepped into the kitchen, her safe place

Mama: Kunuka kamnandi Sisi (It smells good sisi)

Me: Enkosi mama.

She was about to leave the kitchen when I dropped the dish cloth after wiping my hands calling her
name. She turned and looked at me

Me: Ndicela uthetha nawe noTata (Can I talk to you and Dad)

Mama: Of course

She gestured to the lounge and I followed sighing my way to where my father was sitting

Me: Tata

Tata: Ntombi ngoku ndithi wenza icoffee (Love I thought you were making coffee)
I giggled, finding a couch. I ran my hands down my jeans and cleared my throat

Me: Tata no Mama

Tata: Ewe Mambhele

Me: I received a call from Mihle uthi uza apha ufuna uzothetha nani (I received a call from Mihle he said
he's coming here he wants to talk to you)

Tata: Good ke Mambhele, kudala ndifuna uthetha naye lamfana (Good Mambhele, I've been wanting to
talk to that man)

Mama: Ude wafumaneka?

Me: Ewe mama

Tata: Okay ke ntombi, ndicela icoffee mntanam.

I nodded and excused myself. Meanwhile doing the coffee I couldn't stop anxiety from creeping through
me, I knew the conversation was bound to bring hell in the house because both my father and Mihle
were stubborn, angry souls. I served his coffee and finished cooking immediately. I then checked on my
son for the forth time, Mam'Tanga was released everyday after I've arrived from work, but that day I
knew Sivu might have sent her home early since she got there before I did. I was about to step out of the
room when he shifted on his bed, making the start of a baby cry.

I retreated back to the lounge with my son in my arms and just when I was about to sit there was a
knock at the door. I passed a look to my father and he nodded towards the door, I placed Ala on my
mother's lap and approached the door, swinging it open I came face level with the man I was excited to
see but not ready to face

Me: Hello

Mihle: Hey

Me: Come in.

I stepped aside and allowed him in. I could tell he was nervous from the way he looked but Mihle wasn't
a man to run away from his battles, so like the man I know he held his head high and walked into the
lounge. I found myself feeling nervous for him, my father wasn't going to make this easy. He greeted,
extending his hand to the man of the house and like expected it was left hanging, this being the second
time it happens - the very first time was the time my father forbidded us from seeing each other. He
looked at my mother and greeted, my mother answered sternly

Tata: Hlala (Sit)

Mihle: Uxolweni ufika kanje Bhele, bendifuna uzothetha nawe, nje ngabazali (I apologize Bhele for
arriving like this, I wanted to talk to yall like parents)

Tata: Usibone nini uba singabazali Mihle? (When did you realize we are parents Mihle?)

Mihle: Kudala Bhele

Tata: Andiyazi intlonipho encinci kanje uyithathaphi ngoba uzalwa ngabantu abalungileyo. Uqala
thembisa uNomthandazo uthando nentlonipho, ogqiba ufaka impilo yakhe enciphekweni ngalamanyala
akho uwenzayo nge drugs. Uyamshiya and manipulated uAphindiwe uba nenze lamanyala niyenzileyo.
Waphinda wabuya wazocela uxolo okwesithathu usihlukumeza imiphefumlo ngalo mntana. Wathembisa
umtshata, akabikho nge mini yomtshato ngoku ungena apha Kwam uthi uzocela uthetha. Xa undijongile
ndiphambene kwedin? (I don't know where yog get this little respect because you're birthed by
respectful people. You started by promising Nomthandazo love and respect then you put her life in
danger because of this drug business you're involved in. You left her and manipulated Aphindiwe and
yall did disgraceful things. You came back and asked for forgiveness for the third time only to ask for her
hand in marriage and not pitch on the wedding day, now you come in my house and want to talk. Do I
look like a fool to you young man?)

Mihle: Hayi Bhele.

Tata: Phuma Kwam (Get out of my house)

Mihle: Ngozithoba Bhele bendicela nje... (With all due respect Bhele, can I just...)

"Phuma!"

He pointed his index finger towards the door and kept his gaze on Mihle, my mother shifted
uncomfortably on her seat and watched the two men. Mihle stared at my father for the longest time
prior to looking at Alakhe. He stood up and was prepared to leave when my mother spoke

Mama: Myeni wam ndicinga simnike ithuba simve (My husband I'm thinking we grant him a chance and
hear him out

Tata: Ndithethe ndagqiba, phuma Kwam (I've said my final word, get out of my house.)

I watched Mihle take cautious, forced steps to the door and I felt my heart break again. I wanted to talk,
I really did but I knew there was no point when my father was this angry. I decided I could at least walk
him outside but when I started marching behind him my father's voice stopped me

"Nomthandazo."

Me: Tata

Tata: Hlala phantsi (Sit down.)

I glared at him, not believing my ears. I felt like I could scream at him, this was the father of my child he
was getting rid of this way and he expected me not to feel a single thing. He didn't even give the guy a
poor chance to explain why he presented himself. I was angry because my father was having his wife on
his side throughout his whole life but felt it was okay for him to stop me from following my baby daddy.
I looked at my mother for help but when she gave me a pleading look, I knew we had lost this battle.

I dropped myself on the couch I was previously on and waited for the Almighty to talk. He waited until
the roaring sound of Mihle's car faded into thin air then he spoke

Tata: Lamfana andifuni uphinda ndimbone apha kwam, ecaleni kwakho or anywhere near this boy.
Ndiyavakala? (I don't want to see that boy here in my house, next to you or anywhere near this boy. Are
we clear?)
My eyes were on my shaking hands, I was at the edge of breaking but because I had no more fight in me
I nodded before getting up and going to the kitchen. I wasn't there to dish up and serve them, I just
wanted to get away from their faces, from everybody's presence. If there was anything I wanted for
Mihle it was for him to be a father to his child, for him to be present in his child's life. I wanted a
relationship but it was the least of my fucken worries, I didn't want marriage, ndandifuna abekhona to
watch his son grow. I leaned against the fridge, balancing my weight because my legs suddenly felt like
they wouldn't carry me no more. Now I knew what it felt like not to be asked how you felt, to have your
feelings thrown down the bridge like they didn't matter. It took that one time to heed that what I did to
that man was beyond damage because my father only deprived me one chance to express myself and I
felt like my world was coming down crashing. I had deprived Mihle a thousand chances to tell me how
he felt, and I then realised he was too broken. I broke him.

Mihle's POV

I knew if I went to Aphindiwe now I would definitely lash out on her, I would take out whatever anger I
had on her so I changed routes and went to Bulelani's home. Aphindiwe knew I was around but we
hadn't seen each other, I informed her I would go pick her up after running some errands. I had a house
view appointment Saturday and Monday then I'd only be heading back to Pretoria on Wednesday, and I
decided taking my lady with me to view the houses was a pretty good idea. Twenty minutes later I
parked in front of Bulelani's old home, they still hadn't moved but definitely did furniture the house way
more than what it was when I left. Immediately when I arrived I drove with him to the house to check it
and he handed me the keys when I dropped him off. After sitting in my car for a few minutes trying to
compose myself I opened the car and stepped towards the door, knocking as I practiced my breathing.
My anger was not allowing me to even breath properly. The lady of the house opened and smiled at me

Zinzi: Hey

Me: I'm back.

She stepped back inside, calling Bulelani's name and telling him I was there to see him. I walked into the
empty lounge and dropped my heavy body on the couch, it was definitely heavy from all the emotions I
was feeling. After a few seconds Zinzi stepped out of the kitchen holding a glass of juice, she placed it in
front of me. Bulelani walked in, looking like I just disturbed him from cutting his hair because his neck
and t-shirt weren't properly cleaned yet

Bulelani: Awuphaka naSthandwa sam? (Aren't you dishing up?

Zinzi: Ndisalinde nyama (I'm still waiting for the meat to properly cook)

He nodded, extending his hand to me. I stood up and we did our manly handshake and hug

Bulelani: Ugrand? (You good?)

Me: No, grootman andikho right toe (No, man I'm not okay at all)

Bulelani side-eyed me as changed channels on the TV

Me: Ndisuka kulo Nomthandazo (I'm from Nomthandazo's home)

He stopped moving and turned on the sofa to look at me, suddenly he was interested
Bulelani: And?

Me: I was kicked out of the house

Bulelani: Ntoni? (What?)

Me: Ya, ndiye pha ndiyothetha ngezizathu zam of not getting married to their daughter than utata ka
Nomthandazo decided I'm not worth the chance.

Bulelani: Yoh

He ran a hand down his face and sat back on the couch. He looked shocked and affected by it but I was
sure I looked more than him

Bulelani: Ingcosi? (the child?)

Me: Andazi grootman. Andizazi noba ndinganjani if that would happen. Andifuni ukhohlakala bhuda (I
don't know big guy. I don't know how I'd be if that would happen. I don't want to be cruel buddy)

Bulelani: Ha.a Mihle, Hayi.

I stood up and paced around the room. Pam walked holding a tray which she placed in front of Lani then
left, to walk back in holding my tray.

Me: Andilambanga Z, thanks Nana (I'm not hungry Z, thanks Nana)

Bulelani: Kubeke baby, uzotya (Put it babe, he'll eat.)

She gently placed the tray on the table and left the lounge towards the bedroom area. I stopped pacing
and groaned, staring at the ceiling like it had some answers

Bulelani: No bad decisions, a child's involved apha ngoku.

Me: Do I look like I don't fucken know?

He shrugged digging into his plate. Ignoring me completely, he always did when he knew I was losing my
temper. For someone as calm as he is, he always told me he wasn't able to match the type of anger I
carried alone. I lowered myself on the couch and placed my head on my palms

Bulelani: Masitye then we can weight the scenarios okay.

It took me a long while before I took my plate and started eating the food which was already cooling.
We sat in comfortable silence and ate, my mind was racing and I cringed every time I thought of them
preventing me from seeing my child. They had no right, I expected Nomthandazo to know that she could
tell them that. I had to talk to her because the suspense of thinking she knew was killing me, I needed to
hear her say it. After some time, with my plate half eaten Bulelani started with the conversation again

"You'll go about this the right way ke ntwana. No court, no threats, no guns and abuse involved."

Me: Bendingay'cingi noy'cinga lonto (I wasn't even thinking of that)

Bulelani: Good. Thetha Nomthandazo, athethe nabazali bakhe. I doubt she'll let them get away with it,
uyak'thanda lamntana (Good. Talk to Nomthandazo, tell her to talk to her parents. I doubt she'll let
them get away with it, that child loves you.)

I snorted not believing what he just said. Maybe she loved the idea of being with me but she definitely
didn't love me.

Bulelani: Not until you talk to Nomtha, I expect no action.

Me: Sure

Bulelani: And xa uzothatha action consult me first.

Me: Will do doctor.

He laughed throwing the dish cloth my way. I caught it and cleaned my hands. I stood up and took the
plates to the kitchen, when I got back I decided not to sit any longer I had my better half to see

Me: Mandihambe Bhuda Enkosi. (Let me go buddy, thanks.)

Bulelani: Anytime. You know ndilapha oko mos (You know I'm here always)

Me: Z!

Zinzi: Hey bhuti?!

She shouted from her room and I waited for her to appear when I heard her footsteps sounding nearer.
When she appeared I addressed her

Me: Enkosi sisi.

She smiled, brushing her stomach which looked like it would burst open anytime from now. I made my
way to the door followed by my great adviser and best friend. After talking for a short while on how I
was supposed to keep calm until I was sure I wasn't allowed to see my son anymore, we bid our
goodbyes and I drove to my happy place. A place I knew would bring me peace, happiness and would
make me forget. Rides to her were always exciting especially after I haven't seen her for such a long
time. I had almost 2 months not seeing her because I wanted her to study and write well, and now that
she was done, she was all mine. On Wednesday I was driving back with her and I had the biggest
surprise for her birthday. She was one person I couldn't wait to see, I couldn't wait to hold her in my
arms and make love to her. If our lives allowed us I would probably give her a baby already.

Twentieth Entry

Aphindiwe's POV

I was laying on my bed, catching up on the Empire series on my laptop. I couldn't really concentrate on it
though because my mind was all over the place thinking about the man who was supposed to come see
me, the guy I been waiting for for over three hours now. He reported when he arrived and I expected
him to come see me immediately but he only told me he'd come when he was done with the things he
wanted to do. I was halfway through with the second series when there was a knock at the door
disturbing me. Thinking it was the wrong person who would definitely pass I ignored the first knock.
Kimberley hasn't been around too much lately and I understood why, as for Luthando she had three
days having left for home already. I was all alone so I doubted that was anybody who needed me. As for
Mihle, I expected a call from him reporting he was downstairs when he finally did arrive. All my bags
were packed because I was traveling to Pretoria with him then I'd go straight home from there. I was
about to press play but the second knock came a little louder this time and I kicked my legs from
irritation before removing myself from the couch. I rushed to the door and swang the door open and
couldn't keep my smile when I saw my man leaning against the wall, his hands in the pockets of his
denim jacket. He cocked his head and looked at me, I literally jumped at him finding comfort in his arms

Mihle: Nhanha

Me: Kunini uthe uyeza? (How far long did you say you're coming?)

Mihle: I'm here now.

I pulled back, moving my head a few inches away from his. He buried his face in my neck and trailed
seductive kisses on my skin prior to finding my lips which he just licked

Mihle: Unjani? (How are you?)

Me: Mhuh?

I only managed that sound as the excitement felt by my body blurred my mind, the butterflies on the
lower part of my stomach were exploding

Mihle: Open your eyes kaloku.

I flickered them open and looked at his beautiful face, he had his bottom lip between his teeth

Mihle: Unjani?

Me: I'm good Fhaku how are you?

He freed me and I stepped away from him, something I didn't want to do as yet. He followed me inside
and took every step behind me until we were inside the room

Mihle: Ndiright. Have you packed everything?

I nodded whilst removing the dirty baggy t-shirt I was wearing. I was about to turn and address him
since my back was facing him but instead felt his hands holding me in place. He breathed on my neck
sending chills throughout my body. The feeling of his body against mine never felt old. It was the
suspense of knowing what was coming next that made me so excited all the time. His sex game was
epic, it was one of the greatest things about him. He gently bit my shoulder while his right hand found
my boob, cupping it. When I was in such a situation the one thing that crossed my mind was to stand on
my toes so my ass could be against his manhood but this time I couldn't because one second he was
kissing my shoulder and the next he was running his tongue in circles down on my back. One of his arms
was situated between my legs, gripping tight the waistband of my pyjama shorts from the front. He
continued going down on my back until he stopped, his free hand found my butt cheek and he removed
the material of the shorts I was wearing, revealing its skin. My toes curled when I felt his tongue and
teeth on my bums, I was beyond wet already and he hadn't even touched me much. I was aware he was
completely on his knees when I felt him go down my right leg, kissing and biting. Slowly, he removed my
shorts and instantly I felt conscious knowing he was facing the same angle which would bring the
thought of Odwa in his mind

Me: Fhaku.

I whispered between being horny and nervous only to have him stop me, both his hands on either sides
of my thighs preventing me from moving.

Mihle: Bend over

Me: Babe?

I questioned even though I heard him loud and clear. He wanted my ass on his face, there was no way
I'd let that happen so I held his hands and forced myself to turn and face him

Mihle: Yintoni ngoku? (What is it now?)

I closed my eyes and kept them shut as I questioned him nervously

"You're not going to eat my ass out right?"

When a few seconds passed without any sound from him I opened my eyes and came across the most
amused look he has ever given me, then he laughed

Mihle: No I wasn't. Asoze (Never)

Me: What's funny kengoku?

Mihle: Babe I know I'm nasty but not that nasty. Khajike kaloku (Turn around)

I blushed, rolling my eyes so he wouldn't see how easy he got me weak. After turning I did exactly what
he asked me to do previously, I bent over, half my body laying on my bed while the other half was
looking right at him. His hands ran up and down my butt cheeks and I heard him groan from pleasure. I
felt a finger slide between my pussy lips which were probably pressed closed because of my thighs
which we held tight together. He continued running his finger which he kept sucking and bringing wet to
my pussy again.

Mihle: Open your legs

He spoke in a voice so husky and lustful I knew I'd carry it in my mind for months. There was always
something about his voice and instructions that sounded different when he was really about to do
something really nasty

Me: My butt babe

Mihle: Open your legs Nhanha

Me: But impun...

Mihle: Baby (pause) open your legs.

Uneasy of where this whole thing was going I opened my legs slowly, my womanhood making the sound
of wet lips separating and again he groaned in satisfaction. I stayed put when I felt his finger in between
my butt crack, going down slowly until it stopped on my anal hole. I expected him to push it in but inside
he pulled it away and muttered a seductively

"Fuck."

I was about to collect my mind which was running a marathon and ask him what's the problem when I
felt the tip of his tongue touch my vaginal opening. I jumped on the bed and rolled on all fours, facing
him. He looked taken back

Me: Please don't eat me from that angle

Mihle: What? Why not?

I opened my mouth to talk but closed it again, then opened it again. Truth is I felt guilty every time he
was on my butt, unlike before when I used to enjoy having him play with it now it felt weird knowing
there was another finger and stick in my anus either than his. I was clean, perfectly shaved everywhere
and had about an hour since I stepped out of the shower but none of those things could bring me to at
least give it a try. Some heavy guilt hung over me since I knew how damaged he was from all that. When
I didn't talk, he took it upon himself to take the decision. He stood on his feet and fixed his jeans, his
hard manhood evident through the rough material

Mihle: It's okay, get dressed sizohamba.

He sat on the bed and pulled out his cellphone

Me: Are you mad?

Mihle: No.

Me: Uyaxoka (You are lying)

He stopped pressing the phone and looked at me, a small smile plastered on his face

Mihle: Nyani, I'm good. Get dressed.

Me: I'm sorry ke

Mihle: It's okay, I didn't say we done anyway I just said get dressed.

I smacked his shoulder and moved off the bed giggling. He waited for me to get dressed and clean the
house, leaving it in a good condition before we stepped out wheeling my bags to where a Polo Vivo was
parked

Me: Awuzanga ngamoto this time? (You didn't come with your car this time?)

Mihle: No, that car's too big to drive such a long distance. It killed me the last time I did.

He opened the trunk and we placed our bags before each of us found our doors and seats. We were just
starting with the journey when I turned to look at him but failed to say what I wanted to say because I
felt like admiring him. I watched him knit his eyebrows and question me without even looking at me
Me: Just that I never thought I'd ever be loved this way. You know men always came after my body and
that's that.

Mihle: I came after your nje Nam

Me: At first ewe, but you whipped now

Mihle: Oh is that so?

I nodded smiling like an idiot. He licked his lips and bit his tongue giving me a charming smile prior to
averting his eyes to the road again

Me: Babe ndicela upheke (Babe please cook)

Mihle: Ha.a no no

Me: Babe please toro, ndak'cela Fhaku. Please, please, please.

The car came to a halt at the robot and he turned to face me, looking something between irritated and
happy to be sitting next to me

Mihle: Don't say please again.

Me: Uzopheka? (You'll cook?)

Mihle: No

Me: Haibo Nyawuza pl...

He cut me off

Mihle: No please again.

I kept my mouth shut only stomping my feet and crossing my arms over my chest to show how annoyed
I was by him. He chuckled, bringing his hand to squeeze my thigh but I moved away from him.

Mihle: Ufuna utya ntoni? (What do you want to eat?)

Me: Cooked food

Mihle: Babe it's past 8

Me: And we've got all night

Mihle: Ndihluthi nafuthi mna, I ate kwa Bulelani.

Me: You'll cook for me then.

He side-eyed me while he continued to drive. We were listening to the radio since the car was a hired
vehicle until we came to stop at a parking loot at Spar supermarket. We stepped inside and I picked
everything I wanted to have, he kept begging me to pick the pork instead of beef because it was much
easier and quicker to cook. I ended up taking a tray of beef strips, that I knew was also easy to cook
because my mother was a fun of those more especially xa zihamba nomgqusho (when they were served
with samp.) Mihle urged I pick things which were going to be used for the night because Lani hadn't yet
purchased a fridge.

When we arrived at the apartment he immediately started cooking and I helped him with any type of
vegetable that had to be chopped. However we argued when it came to the onion and he ended up
doing it himself. In the meantime I finished off the episode of Emipre I was catching up on and watched
the next one as well. I was still entrigged with what I was watching when a thought crossed my mind,
making me feel guilty for not even asking

Me: Did you end up uvela endlini?

Mihle: Huh?

I placed the laptop on the other side of the two-seater and crossed the room over to the counter.

Me: Did you go at home?

Mihle: Oh, yeah

I detected the pain in his voice as he replied and noticed how he tensed to my question. I knew
something wasn't right

Me: How did it go?

He shook his head, while still stirring at the rice and not sparing me a look.

Me: Bad?

Mihle: Worse

Me: What happened?

I asked feeling worried and hurt for him. What worse could have happened? Was Nomthandazo really
not interested in him after the scandal? Was she that hurt? He took his time as he closed the pot before
turning to face me after leaning against the cabinet

"Your father kicked me out. I didn't even get a chance to speak."

Me: He did what?

Suprised is an underestimate, I was shocked. I knew Tatomdala ws strict but he didn't appear like the
unfair type. I know I barely knew the man but for the 2 years I been involved with the family it was easy
to see that he favored Nomtha amongst all his children. He loved her dearly.

Mihle: Uthe I'm not worth his daughter and his time. Apparently that was going to be my forth apology
so he says, I wasn't even there to apologize so I can win his daughter back, I want umntanam.

Me: Uthini uNomthandazo? (What is Nomthandazo saying?)

Mihle: She was...

He shrugged his shoulders and closed his eyes before hanging his head. I watched him, something bad
must have happened
Me: She also doesn't want you to see your child.

Mihle: She does. Uright yena, ebefuna ulwa utatakhe but I was kicked out before that unfolded.

If it wasn't because of him hurting I would have rolled my eyes, obviously she wanted him near her and
it wasn't for the child on her side.

Me: So uzothini? (So what will you do?)

He lifted his eyes and looked at me between narrowed eyes, he was wearing a face I don't recognize

Mihle: I don't know. I want to talk to her.

Me: To Nomthandazo?

He raised a brow at my tone, I cleared my throat aware that I sounded annoyed

Mihle: She's the only way to my son Phindi

Me: I know.

I spinned on the stool, breaking eye contact with him. He was looking at me in a way I didn't like and if
we continued I knew we'd argue.

Mihle: You know?

I nodded, still facing the other way. My eyes were racing from wall to wall, staring at the lounge space

Mihle: Ndijonge Aphindiwe (Look at me Aphindiwe)

I Took my time spinning the bar stool the other way, balancing on the counter. When I finally faced him
he was still leaning against the cabinet, his arms crossed over his chest

Mihle: I need you to understand something

Me: I understand.

He raised both his eyebrows and dropped his arms from his chest. I removed myself from the stool

Me: I'm going to continue watching Empire

Mihle: Ndiyathetha Aphindiwe (I'm talking Aphindiwe)

Me: Can we not toro please? Can we not talk about her?

Mihle: We were talking about me apha, about what happened today kokwenu.

Me: Then Nomtha's name had to come up

Mihle: Because you brought it up damn at! And she's the mother of my son so ndizothetha ngaye

Me: Fine.

I continued to the lounge and almost yelled at him to not follow me when I heard his footsteps. I was
stopped from walking when he grabbed hold of my wrist, turning me around a little too rough
"Xa ndithetha nawe I don't expect you to walk away from me."

Me: Ndicela undiyeke (Please let go of me)

He tightened his hold on me before freeing my hand. We glared at each other for a few seconds before
he stepped back muttering some swear words.

Mihle: You're being ridiculous. So fucken ridiculous ngoba Ayikho lento uyiphambenelayo apha. (So
fciekn ridiculous because you're going crazy over nonsense)

I dropped myself on the couch and took my laptop with shaky hands. I really wanted to answer him but I
knew if I I'd probably swear that resulting into another fight and him being angry. We both kept to
ourselves for the longest hour before he broke the silence

Mihle: Uzotya apho or apha? (Will you eat there or here?)

I passed a quick glance his way prior to closing my laptop and heading towards the counter. He was
already seated on the other side, a spoon on his hand and his phone on the other hand. I watched him
bring a full spoon into his mouth while his eyes were still glued on the screen of his phone. He then
looked at me meanwhile locking his phone

Mihle: So asizothetha? (So we won't talk?)

Me: Sizothetha (We'll talk.)

Mihle: But you do know Ayikho lento uyiqumbeleyo right?

I shrugged my shoulders and dug into my plate. That was the only thing bringing me joy at that current
moment, the very satisfaction of that meal. He pulled my plate away from me and glared at me, waiting
for me to open my mouth.

Me: Okay fine, ndiright.

Mihle: That's not what I asked.

Me: Ewe I know Ayikho lento ndiyiqumbeleyo.

Mihle: You better smile otherwise your pretty ass ain't getting la birthday present ndiyi planileyo.

I tried to keep a straight face but I couldn't, the man sitting opposite me knew exactly how to make me
smile.

Me: Mxm, uyadika kodwa babe.

He smiled, pushing my plate from across the table. We sat in silence again and ate, the only making a
sound was the cutlery when it touches the plate. He kept looking at me and shaking his head while
chuckling, I knew exactly what he thought.

Later on I was busy washing the dishes with him helping me wipe only a few items, which was a glass
and the used spoons. We spoke about how much of a jealous girlfriend I was becoming and I denied it. I
was exactly jealous, I had fear that he'd find the connection back with Nomthandazo. There was no way
I could just relax and be okay with him spending time with her, I knew how she was and the lady was
capable of anything. In other words, I might have trusted my boyfriend but I definitely didn't trust him
enough around his baby mama.

Saturday I woke up to a surprise that him and I were going for house viewing. There were so many
reasons for me to feel like a real grown woman in this relationship and this was one of them. Nothing
was as motivating and attractive as knowing your man trusted your opinion. It made me feel like I was
going to be with him for eternity because if he was happy with picking every little asset I liked, then he
sure damn wanted to keep me around much longer.

The first apartment we viewed was in Hout Bay and it was the same as the one he owned in Belmar,
there only different this one was painted in grey. The spacing and both the outlook were similar. The
second apartment we viewed was in Dido Valley and I instantly fell inlove with it. I couldn't stop
screaming and running around the lounge space I assumed could fit two of the lounge area in Belmar.
The white agent lady who was helping us couldn't help but smile my way every time we entered each
room. The white walls and white marble floor were heaven, the space was worth dying for. I couldn't
help but already imagine how we'd decorate the space if he did ask for my help again.

During our ride to the third house I couldn't help but continue talking about the second house.
Everything about it was beautiful, the city view from the balcony of the lounge and the sea view from
that of the bedroom. It was amazing. Mihle kept chuckling, shaking his head about how excited I was
about the whole idea of viewing. The third place was in Simons Town and that house too was beautiful.
My jaw kept dropping every time we entered a new room, it was way too big and consisted of 3
bedrooms. I was still admiring the ensuite when I heard the lady mention the price of that house, I
choked on my own spit, spinning to face the two adults standing a few feet behind me

Me: 37 000 monthly?

Agent: Yes, its a bond, after a period a certain period, depending on the type of contract, you can sign
up to own the house. You either choose whether to rent it on normal lease agreement or in owning the
apartment. It's worth it though, apartments of this type are sold at prices nearing a million, so this too is
a bargain.

I looked at Mihle who was staring at the white man while he tried selling the house to him. It was
beautiful yes but the pricing was ridiculous. Mihle then looked at me and smiled, and I could tell he
wanted to laugh. I probably looked ridiculous from shock.

When we finished we took a ride to the restaurants in table mountain and picked on that served all
kinds of meat of course. As we waited for our foods we continued discussing the apartments

Me: I wanted to view even more, I didn't know house viewing could be that great

Mihle: Kanti when you lived in Joburg ubuhlala phi? (When you lived in Joburg where did you stay?)

Me: Haibo babe, house viewing is not the same as flat viewing. It can never be the same. Uyabona
ngoku I'm so motivated to finally get bowling so I can afford a big house.

Mihle: (laughs) You enjoyed it, surprisingly more than you enjoyed picking out the car

Me: Haaaa it can't be.

Mihle: Ndiyakuxelela Nyani baby.

A waitress holding a medium meat platter walked up to our table and placed the platter in the middle of
the table. She retreated after telling us she was going to fetch other stuff

Mihle: So you liked the one in Simon's Town but it's too expensive?

I shook my head, swallowing the orange juice which filled my mouth

Me: Nope the one at nton nton Valley

He raised his eyebrows, leaning back on the beautiful antique chair of the restaurant. He looked at me
from across the table, his arms resting on the armrests of the chair

Mihle: Are you sure?

Me: Ewe, the last was beautiful yes but I can't stop loving the first one.

Mihle: I want to purchase it cash but I need to go through the paperwork of the company and all that
then I'll decided.

Me: And when will that be?

Mihle: Probably we'll be living in it by next year February or March.

I couldn't stop blushing, the type of love I felt whenever he used the term we when talking about us. I
made a mental note to try and be the best thing that has ever happened to this man because so far I
couldn't help but feel like he was the only one who has been doing things for me.

Sunday we spent the day indoors, lying on the bed up until the afternoon. After bathing we continued
covering ourselves with blankets but in the lounge area this time, cuddling and kissing, turning each
other on. Monday he left in the morning after talking to Nkululeko, saying he had some work he needed
to attend to. I was on the other hand kept myself busy by heading to the mall for my a new swimwear. I
knew not where he was taking me for my birthday but he did tell me to pack a swimwear. I had one
already but I needed a spare in case we'd stay more than one day wherever we were going. On Tuesday,
very early in the morning, as early as 6am we were up, running around the house so we could make it on
time at the airport. I made sure to leave the house as spotless as we found it because I didn't want to
embarrass myself ku Bulelani or being to be a turn off Kwi boyfriend.

We embarked on the journey that brought way too many memories because just the smell of Gauteng
air on its own hit home. The 3 years I spent in the province felt like forever; the amount of time I spent
driving around and meeting new people was worth reliving again. When I was based in Johannesburg
there wasn't a place around I did go to - I visited every area in Pretoria, I knew of Kempton Park,
Sandton, Midrand and I also went as far as Mafikeng. The year in Johannesburg was the best ever up
until the mid of the second year, where death happened. Lived the third year, which was my last year
before utata called me home, drinking and crying. I remember losing my job at Panarottis and I couldn't
even give a living fuck because I was unhappy, depressed and lonely so I ended up living on my monthly
installment I received from my mother. No extra cents were earned.

As we drove from OR Tambo to Pretoria, Mihle took note how quiet I was, asking me whether I was
feeling okay.
Me: I'm okay, just thinking of my life here.

Mihle: How my friends and I were out and about oko. We traveled Yhu, weekend zethu wawiqala
Wednesday. (We traveled yoh, our weekends started on Wednesday)

Mihle: Weren't you working kanti?

I giggled, turning completely on the car seat so I can face him.

Me: I did, I either never went to work because I was sick ye hangover so I'd ask someone to cover for me
ndibhatale ke sana. Or I'd go to work sick

Mihle: Wawusenzani? (What were you doing?)

Me: Worked at Panarottis

Mihle: So you were baking pizza zethu ushushu? (So you were baking our pizzas while drunk?)

I laughed, smacking his arm very hard.

Me: Hayi, I was the cashier most of the time.

He continued asking me irrelevant questions about the job and my life. He questioned about who's car
we always rode in if none of us had cars. There were questions I had to pretend I didn't hear because
they were rather too deep and would add another ton of questions if answered.

We arrived in Pretoria in a matter of a few minutes and drove into an area I knew was situated for
soldiers, a unit area called Salvokop. After standing at the gate for over 5 minutes because the security
guard was giving us difficulties with allowing me in and Mihle was not making the situation any easier by
shouting at the man who was old enough to be his uncle, we finally were allowed in only after having
called some guy. He was still mumbling even after we parked in front of his small cottage. Once inside, I
took my time to look at the small space. There was a double bed in the middle of the room, a bedside
stand which contained a pen carrier, a lamp and a glass which I presumes he used for water before
leaving. There was a black fluffy mat at the side of the bed, one which looked new. At the far end of the
room there was another table which looked like his small office ; all working material as well as his
laptop were on that table. A 34 inch flat screen TV hug on the wall opposite the bed, a bar fridge on the
other side of the room and a small cabinet. There was also an ensuite in this room. In all fact, it was okay
for someone to make a living out of it. It was exactly what we called a bachelor apartment. I found some
comfort on the bed and was relieved when I felt it soften under me, at least it wasn't worn out.

Mihle: Let me make a quick phone call ku mama okay.

I nodded, sitting on my butt so I could remove my belt. He started the phone call and spoke to her,
when he touched on the baby subject he edited the room, leaving me behind. I knew he probably didn't
want me to hear whatever he was going to say about the child and Nomtha, he probably thought I was
going to throw another tantrum again. I couldn't blame him though if he thought that, I tripped way too
easy when it came to him and Nomtha. I moved further on the bed and switched on the TV, smiling from
ear to ear when I saw that the DSTV had all channels paid out and cherry ontop, it was an explorer. I
immediately went to Box office to see what was rented and decided I'd catch up afterwards. He walked
in after a few minutes and stood beneath the bed. He held my feet and pulled me towards him
Me: Babe hayi, you're hurting me.

Mihle: Suxoka.

He hovered over me and planted a kiss on my forehead, then one on my nose and cheeks then he
continued, leaving kisses all over my face. I was giggling with my eyes closed, trying to escape his lips by
throwing my head side to side. He finally stopped and questioned

Mihle: Guess what?

I could sense the smile in his voice even with my eyes closed

Me: What?

Mihle: Siya kwa Makazi

I opened my eyes and locked at him, my eyebrows furrowed together from being confused

Me: Kwa Makazi?

Mihle: Yep.

He moved away and went over to the fridge, he pulled out a bottle of water

Me: Siyothini? (What are we going to do there?) Ndiyamazi ? (So I know her?)

He shook his head for the latter, ignoring the first one completely.

Me: So siyothini? (So what are we going to do there?)

Mihle: NguMama ka Mila, she stays apha Menlyn.

Me: So soyithini apho thina? (So what are we going to do there?)

Mihle: (chuckles) you're asking that for the third time.

Me: And you've ignored it three times.

Mihle: We going to eat khona. Supper so you've got all the time to calm your nerves ngoba I know you'll
tell me about how nervous you are and all that. Uzokuthanda, trust me (She'll love you, trust me)

I gulped, looking at him like he just grew two heads. This guy wasn't even giving me a chance to fight it.
In fact he didn't even ask me if I wanted to go, he just told me we were going

Me: And if andirhalile uhamba? (And if I don't feel like going?)

He stopped typing on his phone and looked at me. I gave him puppy eyes which he just returned with a
blank face

"There's something ebendifunela yona so ndamxelela uba andikho but I'll be on my way nawe so please
Mambhele, sizohamha (There's something she wanted me for so I told her I'm not around but I'll be on
my way with you, so please Mambhele, we are going)"
I sighed, dramatically lying on the soft pillows behind me. He took that as an opportunity to climb on the
bed and hover over me, balancing himself with hands on either of my sides. I touched his chin which had
some beard growing

Me: I'm just always nervous meeting abantu bakokwenu, abandithandi.

He shook his head and looked at me straight in the eyes

Mihle: They do qha they still don't understand how we'd date me after I dated your sister. In fact
bacinga you stole me from Nomtha.

Me: Doesn't everybody?

I shrugged my shoulders breaking eye contact.

Mihle: We not about to discuss that, I know i was the one who forced things between us zade zalunga so
fuck what people think.

Me: It's not that easy

Mihle: Khaze ndiphuze (Come let me kiss you)

I closed my eyes and looked away from him, earning myself a kiss on my neck. It sent tickles down my
spine to the lower part of my stomach.

Mihle: You okay?

He asked in a whisper as he continued planting kisses on my bare skin.

Me: Ewe Fhaku

He found my ear and bit the earlobe before pressing his lower body on my, I arched my back getting
turned on by just listening to his breathing.

Mihle: I missed you

I blushed knowing exactly what way he meant that. It was so easy for us to turn each other one because
by just laying on me, he was already hard

Me: I miss you nam

Mihle: Uyandifuna? (Do you want me?)

I nodded, giggling with my hands over my eyes.

Mihle: Look at me.

Me: Hayi baby, yhini mfondin.

Mihle: (Chuckles) I'm about to fuck you real damn good. You want that?

I giggled, feeling childish, speechless and suddenly mute from excitement.

Mihle: Answer me.

Me: Ewe baby.

I answered with my eyes closed, when there was no movement from his side I took it upon me to open
my eyes only to find his face inches away from mine, his eyes racing over my face like he was taking
every feature of my face. My eyes fell on his lips which were parted slightly. I felt his hand gracing my
inner thigh, finding its way up to my castle. Before I could even comprehend what I was feeling, my
panties were moved aside and his middle finger was fully pushed in me, making a soft moan escape my
lips. He then crashed his lips on mine and from the way he kissed me while he finger fucked me I knew I
was in for a good, long fuck.

Twenty-first Entry

Mihle's POV

There are many ways to test a relationship and I feel like in the past one year, which was closely getting
to two years of knowing this lady, our relationship has been through it all. We passed through every
stage, we managed to get scarred along the way but we always found a way back into each others arms.

I leaned against the wall, looking at her nibbling on her lower lip as she stared at me waiting for me to
answer her. Just as I was affected by her bond with Andrew which I so failed to understand, she also had
things which affected her kule relationship. Maybe she had too many things than I did and every time I
spent time with her I noticed which two stood out the most. Her fear of thinking I'd go back to
Nomthandazo any chance I got and the fear she had that my family wasn't really fond of her. The latter
was the one which bothered me most because I knew more than anything I wanted her to know they
might not love her but they did like her. They just didn't trust her with me. They thought she was too
young to know how to love a man as complicated and different as myself, they thought she was after my
money and they thought if she could take me away from her own sister then she definitely could jump
in the arms of any man, be it someone close to me or not. I know because of the two incidents that
occurred her fear might have grew even stronger. Somehow I too feared they were never going to fully
accept her and that would never be good for our marriage if I ever decided to take it as far as that some
day. I threw my head back, sighing as I pulled my hands out of my pockets Me: It won't be that bad. It's
just supper Mambhele

Aphindiwe: But what if akandithandi. I mean bonke abantu bakokwenu don't seem to have that much
interest kum.

Me: NoDabawo?

Aphindiwe: She's the only one.

I tilted my head to the side and watched her. She's been standing in her undergarments for the past 30
minutes now, not even daring to step towards her suitcase. She sat on the bed and crossed her legs

Me: Take it from me, uMakazi isn't bad.

Aphindiwe: Of course you'll say that ngoba you've never brought a girl home they don't like except for
me. And they are your family so ewe akazoba bad kuwe.
Me: Bhelekazi I don't want to go without you. Andikuzisanga apha for ukushiya kulendlu.

She smiled, rolling her eyes as well. It was funny how she was always affected by everything I said, even
when I was a serious as now. She found a way of finding joy in my word

Aphindiwe: That's cute.

Me:(chuckles)can we finish le siyithethayo.

Aphindiwe: I said you can go nje babe.

Me: I'm not leaving with you.

Aphindiwe: You are so difficult kodwa.

She stomped her feet while seated on the bed. I walked up to where she was and lowered my upper
body, my hands on either side of her curves.

Me: And maybe if I was easy you wouldn't have loved me huh.

She slapped my shoulder playfully, shaking her head in disagreement

"Ayikho lonto."

I leaned forward and found her neck. I promise I would be able to control my manhood around this lady
if she had better control of herself but with the way she always showed how I owned her body, it drove
me insane. She inhaled a sharp breath before my lips could even touch her skin, making me excited in
the pants. I planted a kiss on her collar bone, slowly parting my lips to taste her skin with my tongue. She
leaned back giving me more skin to kiss and lick. My right hand moved from the bed to her bare thigh.
Simultaneously as my mouth found her earlobe, my hand was resting between her thighs on the
material that separated my hand from her delicious baby.

Me: You need to get dressed, otherwise we're never leaving.

Aphindiwe: I don't want us to.

She whispered back, her hand finally touching my arm which was balancing on the bed. She tightened
her grip as I pushed my other hand deeper between her thighs. I planted a kiss on her forehead and
stepped back, making her open her eyes instantly.

Me: Khanxibe Nana please.

Aphindiwe: Uyadika kodwa.

I shrugged my shoulders walking over to the table which had my glass

Me:We just eating and coming back.

I had my back on her and when I turned around she was throwing daggers at me, irritated that I was
pushing it. I leaned against the table and crossed my legs, trying to ignore her stare as I busy myself with
my cell phone.

Aphindiwe: Udika nyani shame.

She got off the bed and literally matched to her suitcase. I watched her throw the lid open and digging
into the clothes, my eyes stared glued on her clothes wondering how on earth can a single person own
so many clothes. This was the biggest suitcase but it wasn't then only she packed, there was another
one as well.

Me: What else do you have in that other bag kengoku because that's your whole wardrobe in there.

Aphindiwe: This?

She passed me a quick look before dropping her eyes back to the suitcase in front of her

Aphindiwe: Whole wardrobe? Ha.a it's half of my clothes. Kukho jackets in the other bag and some
shoes.

Me: How many clothes do you really need?

She pulled out a jean and some long sleeved top which she told me someday was a bodysuit.

Aphindiwe: Hayi babe ngoku I feel like zincinci ezimpahla (No babe I feel like these clothes are too few)

I shook my head, chuckling at her silly comment. How was this full huge suitcase small or containing few
items. I watched her get dressed and apply her make-up which I at times fought her against. Maybe I
was still oblivious to the real effect makeup had on women but I didn't understand why they used it, and
I doubt I'd ever understand.

We arrived kwa Makazi a couple of minutes after leaving the house and passing by Checkers and garage.
Makazi was staying with her son, two of her grandchildren. Mila could have been staying with her
mother as well but she chose to study in Durban. At our arrival the gate was open and Hlomla was
playing around the yard on his scooter, he turned his head towards the car before jumping from his
plastic motorcycle and running towards my car. This was my fourth visit so he was familiar with the car. I
opened the door and stepped out, picking him up immediately when he stretched his arms out towards
me

Me: Boy ka Malume. Unjani boy?

"I'm good Malume. Daddy is gone to pick up Makazi from the airport."

Me: Seriously, haike that's good mchana nam. Uphi mama?

He pointed towards the house as I lowered him back to the ground. For a five year old he spoke quite
well English. He ran to the house probably to inform his mother that I had just arrived. Closing my door, I
made my way to Aphindiwe's side and caught her nervously looking around the yard

Me: You still nervous?

She nodded, taking my hand which was extended to her. We walked into the house and as expected a
satisfying aroma filled the home. Lebo, a lady whom I had met the second time I came here was sitting
in the lounge, pulling a jersey over Hlomla's head. She was the helper yalapha kwa Makazi.

As expected we had a time in the kitchen, my aunt interested in knowing about the lady her sister had
told her about. I was convinced we'd have a great night because uMakazi wasn't the type to stick her in
people's businesses. When Lulama and Mila arrived we started off with the dishing. Mila went on, filling
us in about varsity and how she knew she had passed her fourth year. She started rambling about
graduation and excitedly went on about how she wanted us there. During our time there I heeded that
there wasn't much conversation between Mila and Phindi even after the few times they met and spent
time together. I was concerned to be honest and made a mental note to ask her later.

We left Menlyn Park after the drama soapie The Queen and drove immediately back to Salvokop,
wasting no time because early the following morning we had a flight to catch. Aphindiwe still didn't
know where I was taking her, I kept it a secret because it was a birthday present after all and birthday
presents were always discreet. I had took the whole week off at work costing myself a holiday week in
Jauary. I was aware many people chose to take a leave week in December as well, there was a few who
decided they were going to visit their homes in January. I took it upon myself to choose whether I
wanted to take her to Zimbali or Mauritius, I ended choosing the latter, if she wanted to see Zimbali
we'd do it during another holiday. When we arrived at the cottage we immediately got busy with
packing our bags. I knew exactly what I wanted to take with me but as for my girlfriend, she was packing
and unpacking for a whole hour while I sat on the bed, trying to pass time with watching tv. She stood in
front of me, beneath the bed holding two types of jeans. I furrowed my eyebrows before closing my
eyes

Aphindiwe: Ndikudikile nhe?(I'm boring you hey?)

Me: Babe you been doing this since we got back.

Aphindiwe: I want to take the right clothes.

Me: All your clothes look right on you.

I opened my eyes and looked at her, I was too tired to partake in any fashion show.

Aphindiwe: Fine, I'll wear this.

She held up a torn jean, too torn that it was obvious to know her whole thigh was out whenever she
wore.

Me: Ha.a awuzonxiba lonto(No you won't wear that)

She gave me a look before turning towards her bag and continuing with what She was doing.

Me: How do you even buy something that has such little material like that?

Aphindiwe: Haibo Fhaku it's just stylish jeans. And I thought you said all my look right on me.

Me: Ewe except those jeans. Why are the legs cut olohlobo?

She shook her head, ignoring my question. I watched her put the pants on the suitcase she wasn't taking
with. She took out a Adidas white t-shirt and placed it on the chair with jeans and a navy jacket. When
she started closing her bags I took that as an opportunity to fix the bed so we could sleep. Before
heading to bed though, we took a quick shower. I couldn't believe that even after having complained
about wanting to sleep she wouldn't stop talking, clearly I was more exhausted than she was, also
definitely more sleepy than her. I tightened my arms around her waist and buried my face on the crook
of her neck
Me:Nana I don't remember you being this talkative but Hayi Mambhele undixakile ngoku.

She giggled, attempting to turn but I stopped her

Me: Masilale baby.

Aphindiwe: I want to turn and look at you.

"Baby at quarter to 9 we have a flight lets sleep."

Aphindiwe: That's not early kakhulu nje.

Me: We have to wake up ngo 6.

She shrugged her shoulders not finding my conplaining so serius and scoffed even closer to me, her butt
pressing firmly against my womanhood

Me: Subanentlonti.

Aphindiwe: Kaloku awufuni ndikujonge(You don't want me to look at You).

Me: I swear if you keep brushing your butt on me like that the only waking up I'll do is to find myself
inside you.

She lowered her body until her head was against my chest and turned slightly so she could look at me

Aphindiwe: My goodnight kiss ke.

I freed her and found myself on top of her, she opened her legs accepting my body. I lowered my lips on
hers and kissed her, a gentle kiss which was much longer than any normal goodnight kiss should be.

The following morning she was still questioning me about the trip, where I was taking her and what we'd
do there. There were a couple of activities I booked for us and Yatch cruising was one of them. I knew of
her fear of water but I needed her to trust me, I wanted her to overcome all her fears with me by her
side. I was already dressed in jeans and a white shirt, Brown formal shoes which went along with my
belt. As per usual, I was waiting for her to finish off her make-up. At least we were on record time so I
wasn't panicking with her being busy fixing up. She was the one who woke me up, at past 5 in the
morning. Her excitement was over the roof, she couldn't even sleep properly, she probably feared we'd
oversleep and miss the flight.

We were an hour early after our check-in which I had already done online but because our bags needed
to be weighed. Aphindiwe wouldn't stop throwing questions the minute we queued on the international
British Airways line. She kept pinching my arm so I could answer, her excitement was making me happy.

Me: You'll hear when we check-in the bags.

Aphindiwe: I've never flew out of the country before.

Me: There's a first time for everything my baby.

She nodded, clinging onto my arm like her life depended on it.
When we made it to the counter we provided our ID books and waited for the teller assistance to ask for
any other information again

"I suggest you carry this one and put it in the language Carrier in the plane."

I nodded, removing the smallest piece of the two bags Phindi brought.

Teller: Flying to Sir Seewoosagur Ramgoolam international airport in Mauritius, your flight boards at
08:45, at least be at the gate D9 at 08:20.

Me: Thank you. Teller:Travel Safe.

I took the hand of the lady besides me who hasn't said a word since we stepped in front of the teller
counter and walked away.

Me: Let's get a cafe kuqala so we can have quick breakfast before flying.

Aphindiwe: Thank you.

I turned and faced her, a little confused with why she sounded down suddenly.

Me: Are you okay?

I stood in front of her, concerned and worried that maybe she wasn't happy about the trip. She bit her
bottom lip which was trembling and looked away, her teary eyes not being missed by me. I immediately
dropped the bag and cupped her face, turning it so she could look at me.

Me: Whats wrong? You're freaking me out.

Aphindiwe: Its just that I never had anyone do the things you do for me except for my mother. Uxolo
wethu.

She chuckled, patting her index finger under her eyes so she wouldn't ruin her make-up.

Me:Hey hey, jonga when I'm doing these things the last I know is you crying ngoba I've touched a
bleeding wound. I'm just spoiling you as my girlfriend ngoba I love you Bhelekazi.

She nodded before throwing her arms around me. I was aware of the people who kept looking at us as
they passed by I couldn't careless, I needed to make sure this was happy before we sat and ate.

Aphindiwe: Thank you.

I dropped her and pressed my lips on her forehead. We continued towards the court area for a grab of
something quick.

The flight was as long as four hours and the longest I've flew was approximately two hours. I was
beginning to feel uneasy about being in the air for that long. It was also my first time dying to Mauritius,
I recall bringing it up as an idea ku Nomthandazo, urging that we take out December holiday but
Nomtha being herself she insisted we go for a place where her friends and their partners could afford.
We settled for Mozabique and instead of having a vacation together, it was a group thing. When we
arrived at the airport the first thing we did was to find the lagguage claim area and requested a cab. We
were booked in at the beautiful Paradise Cove Boutique Hotel and I had made sure to book one of the
biggest couple rooms they had. I wanted to give her the time of her life, I owed her that much after the
trouble I put her through.

Her satisfaction was evident in her eyes before we even arrived at the hotel and I was content, that's all
I wanted, was for my lady to be happy with whatever I placed at the table. No man survived a
relationship where there was constant complaints and unappreciation. At around half two we were
already settled in the room and as expected Phindi was flashing her phone, taking pictures of the place.
We had a funny argument when I couldn't get the right picture of her from the balcony, she wanted the
view to show and I was struggling with getting a picture with the right lighting. She sat on the bed which
consisted on the lace curtains around it but they were tied

Me: I should be giving you a baby instead of you scolding me because I can't take a picture of you.

Aphindiwe: Ha.a Fhaku, I want to post it on Instagram.

Me: For who?

Aphindiwe: Haibo my followers.

Me: So uzobonwa ngamanye amadoda (So you can be seen by Other men)

I raised a brow at her as she crossed her arms over her chest. She arched a perfectly shaped brow at me

Me: You know I've seen your Facebook and stalked you kancinci, I'm guessing the amount of men you
have pha doesn't differ much kwaba baku Facebook.

Aphindiwe: You are so cute xa unomona.

Me:You need to keep my space men free ngoba you know I'm bad acting on jealous, so you gotta
behave yourself otherwise.

I heard her giggle as she clicked her tongue and I instantly stopped searching the mini bar and snapped
my head at her

Me: Utsho kum?

Aphindiwe: Ha.a baby, it was a mistake.

I walked towards her carefully, trying not to smile as she stood on her feet, scanning the room for a
place to go to.

Aphindiwe:Baby ha.a it was a mistake toro, uxolo.

Me:How is saying nxee kum a mistake. Vele yenzeka nje Mambhele wam?

She nodded, her back hitting the wall. I was about five feet from her as she scanned the space around
her, she couldn't run to her left because she'd be backing herself in a corner between the wall and bed,
on her right was a beautiful ancient table with a beautiful vase holding flowers. She laughed when I
stepped in front of her, placing her forehead on my chest, forgetting completely about my white shirt.

Me: I'm waiting for you to apologize.

Aphindiwe: Xolo Nyawuza wam.

Me: I can't hear you Mambhele.

She moved her head and looked at me prior to blushing as she tried covering my eyes.

Aphindiwe: You are giving me that look again.

I moved closer to her, pressing her hard against the wall

Me: I want your ass. Aphindiwe:Huh?

I held her chin and lifted her head so she'd look at me instead of my chest. Her breathing was unsteady
and I knew I was freaking her out but I was just teasing, I wasn't even thinking of it. However, I
continued with my act, she was still staring at me with shock, the playful side of her long gone. I slowly
licked my lips and dropped my eyes to her lips. I wanted to continue longer but when she started
shaking I knew she wasn't taking it lightly, she really believed. I felt my protective and angry side awake,
I wonder what that laaitie did to her for her to act all jump whenever I mentioned something being busy
with her ass. I clenched my jaws, trying to control my breathing. I stepped away from her and searched
my pockets for my phone

Me: I need some air, ndizobuya.

Aphindiwe: Are you okay?

Me:Ya. Ndiyebuya.

I stepped out, feeling like I could kill whoever walked into me. If there was anything I hated it was
knowing I couldn't protect her when shit happened to her but what was fucking me over at that current
moment was knowing that she willingly gave herself to him after convincing me she feared anal sex. It
made me feel weak, pathetically weak. And I knew I was an asshole because instead of giving her the
perfect birthday vacation as I promised I was out here wanting to strangle the truth and answers out of
her to set myself free from this anger.

Twenty-second Entry

Aphindiwe's POV

The holiday getaway was beyond my expectations. During my last relationships, there wasn't a time I
didn't spend my money, be it a casual date or when we were heading to the movies. However, with
Mihle it was always him spending because when I paid around him he took offense which I found to be
quite silly. I was content and overwhelmed with emotions and I knew there was nothing I could do
which would match that type of a gift, to me it was more about the idea of the surprise than the money
spent. Overall I was excited and falling over and over again for this man, however, what I didn't expect
so early in the baecation was the little incident that took place, causing him to walk out and leave me
standing in that bedroom against the wall feeling suddenly cold. I was dumbfounded for a moment
before the actual reason for his actions dawned on me like a bucket of cold water. Instantly, I wanted to
run after him and make sure he was okay but my legs wouldn't carry me, guilt was pinning me at one
spot. I knew I was scared, shocked when he said what he said but I didn't expect him to take my shock in
a negative way, it was just unexpected from my side. As I stood there, terrified of what he might be
going through I attempted convincing myself that it wasn't entirely my fault, if he didn't throw such
remarks at me we wouldn't be where we were. But who was I kidding, I felt fully responsible for it all. I
walked over to the bed and laid on it, staring between the ceiling and walls of the large room. When I
felt it was way too long since he walked out I reached for my phone and called him but his mobile device
vibrated on the table at the center of the lounge area. Balancing on one elbow I stared at the device in
annoyance prior to sighing and returning back to a comfortable position.

I laid there, toss and turning for approximately two hours, searching my mind trying to think of where he
could be. The thought of him being with another girl kept crossing my mind but I'd push it at the back of
my head, knowing very well he wouldn't do that now. But why leave for so long? Almost
absentmindedly, I removed myself from the bed and walked over to the balcony, needing some air and
to see if he was somehow standing somewhere where I could see him. My mind was racing as I stood
there, my thoughts blocking the beautiful view in sight. I was only pulled out of my trace of thoughts by
laughter which came two balconies away from ours. A couple not far older than Mihle and myself were
standing at the balcony, holding champagne glasses each and the lady was pointing something in a far
direction. As I stayed focused on them, I started questioning myself; why can't we be like that, why does
it have to be this hard for us, why can't we just go about our lives and be happy together like normal
couples? I didn't heed how much I was hurting myself by mentally asking these question until I felt a
painful lump form in my throat. I gulped, trying my best not to let it take over. I gripped hard on the
balcony rail and tried keeping calm but the more I tried, the more I was nearing the breaking down
phase. I shook my head, silently begging myself not to cry, not then and there but I wasn't your
strongest type of a woman when it came to Mihle so I failed. When the first tear left my eye it seemed
to have brought an invitation for the others because before I knew it, I had my hands covering my face
and I was shaking from painful sobs. What was more painful was knowing had I been home, I would be
with Asanda getting drunk and far away from hurt. Instead there I was in Mauritius left in the room by
my dearest boyfriend.

I walked back in and went to the bathroom to try and rinse my face with cold water so I'd stop myself
from crying. The time was approaching 6 in the evening and nothing told me to step out and leave the
bedroom to at least look for him. After rinsing my face I stood in front of the mirror and looked straight
into my blood-shot eyes, they were evidence of the pain I was feeling at that current moment. I stood
there for a long minute, wiping my cheeks countless times cause I just couldn't stop crying. When I
finally stopped I rinsed my face again and walked out of the bathroom, deciding I'd watch some
television just to pass time but that was short lived because a knock disturbed my bothered peace.
Knowing exactly who it could be, I stared at the door and felt my heart return to beating like a mad
hammer against my chest. Another knock came and this time a little louder than the first. I walked over
to the door and swung it open. He was leaning against the doorframe, hands tucked in the pockets of his
denim jeans and he looked like he was somewhere between being tipsy and actually drunk. I stepped
away from the door and turned to walk away but he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back, making my
back meet the wall in the gentlest way any drunk man could master. He kicked the door closed and
leaned in, placing his face at the crook of my neck

Mihle: Nhanha

Me: You're drunk.

I whispered back, copying his choice of tone. He shook his head then placed a wet kiss on my neck.
Mihle: I'm tipsy. I had just a little to drink.

He pulled himself away from me but remained caging me between himself and the wall. He looked at
me, a look I was so uncertain of it bothered me.

Mihle: I'm sorry I left this long, lost track of time.

Me: Ubuyephi? (Where were you?)

He moved away from me completely, walking towards the couch I was planning sitting on before he
came knocking at the door. I followed him

Mihle: Bendise Bar, needed a drink to clear my head.

Me: You know we could just talk about it.

He snapped his head in my direction and gave me a warning look. I understood instantly that it was a
forbidden topic until further notice. He sat down and switched on the television, tuning to some
Supersport channel.

Mihle: Come sit.

He tapped the spot next to him as he toed his shoes off his feet, turning on the couch so he can face me
after I've seated. I walked over to the couch and made room where he left space for me. Avoiding eye
contact, I stared at my white manicure.

Mihle: You know I love you right?

That lump returned and I swallowed a huge amount of saliva, hoping it'll go down but it didn't. He
reached for my hands and held my right one, playing with every finger

"You know they're certain things endingazithandiyo and I can't talk about. There are certain things you
do which fuck me up Mambhele but that doesn't mean I love you any less baby. I'm just mad that's it."

I kept quiet and continued watching our hands which were pressed together. With his other free hand
he held my chin and angled my face so I could stare back at him

Mihle: I love you Bhelekazi. I have no other better way to show it than the damaged way endikubonisa
ngayo because that's who I am. I love you.

Me: I love you too.

I managed to say in a weak, shaky voice because I was still trying not to cry. He leaned in and found my
lips with his warm mouth, he tasted of whiskey and something minty, probably a candy because he
wasn't chewing any bubblegum. I laid back on the couch and he leaned further in, his lips not leaving
mine. His arm snaked around my waist and he laid me down, I was forced to lift my legs and place each
on his side. He positioned himself between my thighs and pressed his lower body on mine, his kissing
becoming demanding and seductive. I broke contact and looked away, my breathing disappointing me
already. He didn't stop there, I felt his tongue on my neck, behind my ear, on my collar bone going down
to my chest. He returned to my neck close to my collar bone and sucked hard, I giggled knowing he
wanted to leave his mark there. I sunk deeper on the couch and he followed every move of mine, not
wanting to break contact with me. His hand made way to my belt and I helped him unbuckle it, he didn't
even wait until my jeans were off, he pushed his hand inside my jeans and found my clit. Instantly I
arched my back as his thumb made slow, gentle circle rubs around my clitorious. I pressed my waist
against him, giving him permission to apply more pressure on it but he suddenly stopped moving his
finger and looked at me. With my eyes half closed and bottom lip held between my teeth I tried calming
my breathing

"You're beautiful."

He whispered, brushing his lips on my jaw bone. His breathing was heavy making me slick between my
legs, I wanted him to go further down and touch me where he knew I loved it most. When my hands
flew to my jeans he quickly removed his hand from inside my pants and held my hands placing them
above my head. I opened my eyes and looked at him

Mihle: Relax Nhanha.

I blushed, hiding my face on his chest. He smelled so good even that turned me on.

Mihle: I want us to try something.

Me: Intoni? (What?)

I asked, finally holding his gaze with mine. He licked in his lips in the most seductive way that made my
clit react, he then pressed his hard shaft on me whilst leaning further down to find my ear.

Mihle: I want to do things to you. Things which will drive me crazy but ndizocela one thing from you.

Me: What?

I questioned in a tone so excited and low. He was driving me insane, his chest was moving up and down
matching mine to be exact.

Mihle: I want you to fight cumming. Last as long as you can.

My nipples were hard as rock and I could feel my panties getting soaked from the excitement. He moved
back from my ear and found my eyes, the serious look he was giving me gave me chills.

Me: And if I do cum, what then?

Mihle: You'll see.

I giggled, in fact this was my way of hiding any type of excitement he brought to me. I just couldn't let
him know how much affect he had on me even when it came to the littlest things as him speaking. He
pressed his lips on mine then moved away, positioning himself so he was seated probably.

Mihle: Iza

He commanded, holding my hand to help me stand. I stood between his legs and he removed my pants
until I was just standing in my t-shirt and panties. He cupped my butt cheeks while burying his face on
my stomach, he was licking and digging his hands around my waist. I couldn't help but dig my hand in his
fade cut, pressing his face on my skin. He finally leaned back and allowed me to climb on top of him,
locking my legs around his waist. The game began by him kissing my neck, his hands traveling on every
part of my thighs. Every time he rubbed and squeezed the inside of my thighs I became more wet. He
knew his touch was magical. He licked my shoulders as his hand went over my panties, he softly brushed
his index finger over the lace material making me shiver every time he stopped right over the opening. I
found his lips and tried kissing him but he leaned back, pressing his middle finger over my panties into
my opening. I balanced myself on my knees and moved upper but he quickly encircled his arm around
me and kept me in place. With me half kneeling and half sitting, he took my left nipple in his mouth
simultaneously as pushed his finger in me. I whimpered and he groaned, inserting a second finger in me.
I knew I wasn't going to last long if he continued this way. He pulled me closer closing any space
between us, the breaths and wet kisses on my neck were also playing their role. The sound his fingers
kept making every time he pushed them in me, his groans and my soft moans filling the air. I started
humping on his fingers and he dug deep in me, pushing further in me. I had my head on his shoulder
bouncing on his hand, moaning a little louder when he spanked my ass with his free hand. I was so close,
my clit feeling the pleasurable sensation but out of nowhere he pulled out and held me. I was still
moving my waist against his hard manhood. I wanted him so badly. His panting was turning me on, I
knew he wanted this just as much as I wanted

Me: Suyeka baby (Don't stop baby)

Mihle: Sshhhh, you're going to lose the game.

Me: I want you.

I cupped his face and looked at him, the hunger in his face was the best thing to take in. He chuckled as I
stared at his lips. His other hand was on my breast playing around with the nipple

Mihle: You are such a horny freak yaz

His voice was rusty and hoarse from being turned on. He stood up with me on his lap and placed me on
the couch prior to kneeling in front of me, slowly spreading my legs wide open. I immediately dropped
my hands to my castle and covered it. He looked at me wetting his lips

Mihle: Open up.

Me: You still don't want me to come?

Mihle: Ewe kaloku Nhanha.

Me: Haibo njani Fhaku, andizokwazi kaloku.

Mihle: Try.

I had my bottom lip between my teeth as he moved closer towards my womanhood, removing my
hands one after the other. He held my legs and pulled me closer, making me almost lay on my back. He
licked his thumb then placed it on my anus, he pushed it in the exact time he caught my clit in his
mouth. The pleasure of both, the exciting knot that was forming in my stomach and knowing I had to
keep myself from coming wasn't the easiest. He continued, sucking and tongue fucking me, his thumb
being pushed in and out of my ass. Never in my life did I ever think I'd enjoy anything being stuck up my
ass before but this man was the reason I wanted it and wanted to know and feel more of it. It always
appeared to me as a hole that would be painful being stretched out, never did I imagine anything going
in it as pleasurable. I held his head, pressing it harder against me as I felt myself close to cumming. He
stopped moving, obviously trying to help me control myself. I continued grinding against his mouth
wanting his tongue to do the wonders.

Me: Please baby.

He shook his head, muttering something between begging me to stop and ordering me to sit still. I
shook my head self, enclosing his head between my thighs. He pushed my legs opened and looked at me

Mihle: Say it again.

Me: Mhuh?

Mihle: Say it again Nhanha.

Me: Please

He kissed my thighs and went up, kissing the side of my legs, stomach and ribs.

"Please what?"

He unzipped his pants and positioned himself between my legs, he pressed his erection on my castle and
pushed, allowing the tip to enter before he stopped. I arched my back, my hands holding his shoulders
pulling him close because I wanted to kiss him so badly

Mihle: Please what?

Me: I want you.

He penetrated, going fully in. I spread my legs and allowed him to take over, every single inch of my
body because when he was in me like this, he owned even my mind.

The panic which filled my mind as I laid on his chest two hours later, knowing very well the four rounds
we took he at least came three times in me. I wasn't on pill no more and I had no contraceptives with
me. I shifted and watched him, he had his eyes closed breathing steady. I knew I was whipped when it
came to this guy, very much attached for that matter. Whenever him and I were at a bad space I acted
like I wasn't affected because I feared I'd be the only one hurting about our situation, I didn't want to
know whether I was the only one trying so I acted like fighting or breaking up with him didn't hurt me at
all.

"Ujonge ntoni? (What are looking at?)"

He startled me with his eyes still shut. I shifted towards his face and placed a kiss on his rough chin.

Me: I'm just worried

Mihle: About?

Me: You came in me.

He didn't move an inch, not even tense. My heart stopped beating as I waited for him to at least answer
me. He kept quiet, making the silence awful

Me: Mihle.
Mihle: Awuzomitha (You won't fall pregnant)

I furrowed my brows, looking at him and amused at how carefree he seemed about this whole thing. He
finally opened his eyes and looked at me

Mihle: We'll find something tomorrow morning to help you.

I sensed the irritation in his voice but I brushed it off. He wasn't expecting me to be okay with falling
pregnant, not when we both knew what that would do further more to my family. Where that would
put me, he knew damn well that I couldn't and wouldn't so if me being careful annoyed him then he
needed to work on himself. We laid there in silence, I was bothered because he wasn't even touching
me anymore. His hand other hand was under his hand which the other covered his face. I just couldn't
shake the feeling of him being selfish, he knew very well why we couldn't risk it. I hated how after
making me feel so good he was taking that away. I felt like I had to talk and tell him so he could
understand where I was coming from

Me: You know I can't fall pregnant right.

He was silent before shifting underneath me, bringing me closer to him so my face was laying right at his
neck

Mihle: I know.

I nodded and tried to relax. We cuddled until we fell asleep. I don't recall how long we slept but I woke
up to the shower running and I was alone in bed. I turned over and my eyes landed on the Grey suit that
was laid out on the antique chair. A pure white shirt was hung on another chair, as well as a brown belt
which matched brown shoes. I sat up and took his black t-shirt that was tossed on the bed, I threw it
over my head and went over to the fridge for a bottle of cold water. He stepped out of the bathroom
with a towel wrapped around his waist.

Me: Awandivusa? (And you didn't wake me up?)

Mihle: You looked like you needed the sleep.

Me: Caba uyaphi?

He gave me on of those charming smiles of his, extending his hand for me to hold. I skipped towards him
and took a hold of the hand that made mine look even smaller. He placed a kiss on my forehead prior to
earning one on his chest from me.

Mihle: Take a shower and you'll get to know soon uba siyaphi.

I was lucky that he had at least told me a couple of other items that were a necessity in this getaway of
ours. I knew for sure that a formal dress, something sporty and swimwear were things he said I should
consider looking into. I didn't buy a new formal dress, I picked on from the couple I owned. It was a red
thin strap dress, which hung me perfectly on my upper body but let loose after the waist down. It had a
slit on each side and went all the way down mid leg. My problem about wearing the dress now was
knowing there were many things about it which Mihle wouldn't approve; one, it needed no bra and
secondly the slits started a little too high thigh.
When I stepped out of the shower Mihle was half dressed, sitting at the table and having something
which looked like cake. Even when we were as far as Mauritius he still satisfied his sweet tooth cravings.
He stared at me, offering me a fork holding a piece of chocolate cake with a caramel topping. I went
over to him and took the bite

Me: Ayimnandi, where did you get it?

Mihle: Room service.

I nodded, approving both his answer and the fresh cake I was swallowing. I went in for the second and
third piece before heading over to where my bags were. I took out my black heels from the shoe case I
had inside my suitcase, then searched for the dress. I could feel Mihle's eyes on me as I got busy but I
didn't want to look back at him for an obvious reason. After moisturizing, I concentrated on my makeup,
nothing too much, just a natural look and a blood red lipstick.

Me: Please iron for me Fhaku.

Mihle: Does this type of material need ironing?

I nodded, spinning around on the chair to face him

"But the iron mustn't be too hot."

Mihle: Awunayo enye ilokhwe? (Don't you have another dress?)

I shook my head, silently praying he doesn't protest against the one I brought.

Mihle: And you don't want us to perhaps order one quick.

Me: Ha.a baby, we don't have time.

He chuckled then gave me a stiff nod. I blew him a kiss prior to going back to putting eyelashes on. As I
was dressing, Mihle kept reminding me that he was only allowing this dress because the holiday
vacation was about me and me only, so he was going to agree to everything I needed at that very
moment but that was the last time.

We stepped out of the room at past ten in the evening, both smelling and looking like the King and
Queen of that very place. I noticed that he had everything planned out, from a cab which would drive us
around during our stay there, to the bookings of other places we had to see. I wondered how much he
spent for everything but quickly pushed the thought aside when it brought tiny bits of guilt within me.
The cab drive was just five minutes from the hotel before we were dropped off at some place close to
the beach but a walking distance to the hotel. Mihle gave the guy who was driving us permission to
leave, informing him that we'd be okay with walking back.

Me: Siyaphi? (Where we going?)

Mihle: Somewhere.

He held my hand and we continued walking for less than a minute before he stopped, facing me

Mihle: You're going to cover your eyes evha, I want you to participate nam Bhelekazi otherwise you'll
ruin yonke lento.
I nodded, smiling like an idiot. I didn't know what it was he had in store for me but I knew already that I
would love it. I loved everything this man did. I closed my eyes, taking note not to peep and allowed him
to lead me to wherever he was taking me. It was another walk less than a minute before he carefully
stopped me, his mouth close to my ear as he told me to keep my eyes shut still. From a few feet away I
could hear soft music and I was aware that I was no longer walking on tar road but on beach sand. He
released me and from the sudden chilly wind I felt I knew he had stepped away from me. I waited
patiently for him to speak because even though he had let go of me, I knew he was still around because
his smell still lingered in the air.

Mihle: Open your eyes.

Slowly, with a pounding heart I started praying that he wasn't on his knee doing the Lord knows what
we both weren't ready for. Don't get me wrong, this is the man of my dreams and I love him more than
anything but we both knew we weren't ready for such commitment. I took a huge breathe in and out
then opened my eyes. From my feet up to the table I presumed was ours were petals of red roses. Our
table was lit in candles and had a bucket holding a champagne bottle, there was a waiter standing
besides it probably waiting for us to sit and take orders of whatever we wanted to eat. Mihle was
standing about two feet away from me, looking at me with so much love and concentration. I knew he
wanted to see my reaction to this, if he blew my mind away with this or not. The thought of having
believed that I'd never ever get something like this in my life because this only happened in the movies
was crashed that moment, I felt tears reach my eyes as my mouth hung open. I was speechless. He
extended his hand, a gesture he liked doing often to alert me that he was still standing by my side. With
a shaking hand, I held his and he led me towards the table. As he pulled out my chair for me, I only then
took note of the other tables around us, there weren't many definitely less than 10 decorated ones.

Mihle: You been quiet. Say something Bhelekazi lam.

He said, after sitting down. His gaze wasn't leaving my teary one

Me: Anything?

Mihle: Anything baby.

I took one of the serviets on the table and brought it to me eyes. I was stunned, overwhelmed with the
type of love one person could give me. I knew he wasn't my mother and would never be but when I was
with him, I felt happy, I wasn't lost no more, I knew I had found love again.

Me: Is thank you alright?

He smiled, leaning back on the chair as he nodded.

Me: I love you.

I said in between a cracking voice, fighting tears of joy which were threatening to leave my eyes and ruin
my makeup.

Mihle: I know Nhanha, I love you too.

As I sat there across the table, holding my champagne glass, waiting for our food and looking at him as
he spoke to me about how he planned this whole vacation in a matter of a rushed month I knew if the
world took him away from me just like it did with my mother, I'd probably jump of a building because
there wouldn't be anything else to continue living for.

23rd Entry

Mihle's POV

Seeing Aphindiwe shed tears of joy, not once but a couple of times because of my actions, made me
overwhelm with emotion. This was the third day of our vacation, a day I knew would show me how
much really she trusted me. The previous day was an off day; a day of cuddles, a walk around the Island
and also in search of a pharmacy so we could purchase something as close as a morning after pill. We
spent the day cuddling, having spirit beverages and she ended up falling over tipsy and had a twerking
session for me. I knew very well how she behaved when she was drunk which is why I never accepted
her going out with friends. It was in drunk occasions when I found my way through her, so the thought
of knowing other men could try their luck made me sick to the stomach.

I took another drink from the bottle of water as I waited for her to finish tying her shoes. I had organized
a Yatch cruise and date for us, knowing very well how scared she was of water. I wanted to give her an
opportunity to overcome the fear as well as trust me in the process. At the end of each day, I had a gift
for her. The first day after our romantic date at the beach front, when we returned back to the room, I
had her open three boxes of outfit. Each box contained two matching outfits for both her and I, knowing
very well that it was one of the things she had wanted to ask me a long time ago but only threw silly
jokes about it instead of asking directly. I listened attentively to her when she spoke, and knew her
better now to differentiate between her serious self and a playful Phindi. She was ecstatic, wanting to fit
the outfits right then and there. I told her she could do a fashion show for me but there was no way was
I wearing outfits just to fit them on. Today she had wanted us to dress in one off those outfits but I had
to convince her otherwise without mentioning the day plan which was absolutely a task. Fortunately,
she ended up dressing in a beautiful, yellow thin shoulder strap dress and brown sandals which made
her pedicured toes look absolutely cute. I was fairly looking, dressed in beige Chinos, brown monk
sandals and a white t-shirt. Aphindiwe knew I wasn't the type of guy who was big with sunglasses, I
didn't even know which looked good on me. During the walk we took the previous day, she picked a pair
for me in one of the shops we stopped by to see if there was anything we'd like. She also bought a shirt
for her father which I funded, causing her to feel guilty and promise to reimburse me. She knew none of
that was going to happen but Aphindiwe being stubborn at times, wandikhumbuza uba I couldn't spoil
her then David as well. Hand in hand, we matched out of the hotel and into the organized cab. She
couldn't stop taking pictures of us, selfies of herself and also punishing me by taking pictures of her
which I knew were going straight on Facebook and Instagram. When the vehicle came to a halt we
stepped out, the sea breeze greeting our faces in a calm and relaxed manner. I held her hand,
intertwining our fingers. She looked around then at me

"Walk at the beach?"

I shook my head as I started to stroll towards the small bridge which protruded just about a few feet
into the beach.
Aphindiwe: Then siyaphi? (And then where are we going?)

Me: Phaya (over there)

Subsequently mentioning that she stopped, gripping my hand tight in the process.

Aphindiwe: You know I'm scared of water right?

I nodded. I knew that moment that I should have blind-folded her but since it was day time I thought I
should let her see where we were headed to. She feared having the water tough her barefeet, little did
she know we were diving in that day.

Me: Asizongena (We won't enter)

She studied my face for a few seconds before allowing me to pull her along, I could tell with the steps
she took that she was no longer excited as before. We approached the wooden bridge and as I squeezed
her hand to remind her that I got her, the guy who was to be our assistance stepped out in view,
removing the hard material gloves he was wearing. He approached us, ran his right hand down his grey
trousers and extended it for me to shake. I grabbed the hand firmly prior to dropping it and watched
him do the same to Phindi

"The name's Phillip and I'll be of help to you today."

Me: Thank you. It's Mr and Mrs Gabavu.

I joked. As if to confirm my statement, his eyes dropped to my left hand then back to my face with a silly
grin accompanied by a nod.

Phillip: Let's get to it then.

He clapped his hands whilst turning around, walking off. We followed behind him quietly but not so
peacefully. As we proceeded I could feel Aphindiwe's nerves traveling from around her body to our
connected hands. She was repeatedly squeezing my hand, a little too tight without even subconsciously
knowing. I stopped in my tracks just as we were in sight of the yatch

Me: Do you trust me?

She looked around then back at me prior to nodding firmly

Me: We're going in the Yatch

Her brow shut up slowly as she looked at me, trying to digest what I just said

Me: I just want to show you that whatever fear you have I'm willing to be part of it. Be it the family you
so know doesn't want me, be it you ever falling pregnant or any other fear and worry uzobanayo
ndifuna uba khona. This too.

She averted her eyes to the beach then the Yatch, then back at me. A long sigh left her mouth

Aphindiwe: I'm so scared.

Me: Ndiyayazi Mambhele. Nam I'm giving you a chance to help me overcome my fears
I was relieved when a smile made its way to her lips

Aphindiwe: Haisoka what are you even scared off?

She questioned, smacking my arm playfully. I stepped forward and kissed her forehead, thinking to
myself the one thing I feared most was the demon in me which I knew I still couldn't control when I was
angry. I was petrified that I'll one day loss my temper and finally lay my hand on her, because I still
believed just like I did to Lelovuyo, if I ever started I'd never be able to get enough of it.

We headed towards the direction in which the assistant went and fully in view was the beautiful white
yatch which cost me a little more Rands than the pricing yase Kapa. It was big and beautiful painted in a
pure white paint. I could still sense Aphindiwe's fear as we stepped into the art of wood. I took her to
the edge and allowed her to see the water from above the level we were on. She shook her head before
a silly soft scream left her mouth along with a cheerful laugh

Aphindiwe: I am so scared, yhoo. I can't with water shame Fhaku.

Me: Ngoku ndifuna khesizame something pha kula pool (But I want us to try something in that pool)

She caught a glimpse of my face then burst out laughing, she understood me way better than any
woman I've been with. It was either that, or her mind was getting dirtier everyday. Over the center of
the yatch, right next to where we'd be seated was a table-like piece which held a bucket containing ice,
holding a bottle of champagne and two Heineken beers.

Me: Inoba your phone is soon to run low on storage.

I commented as soon as I noticed her holding her phone up, taking a video of me as I opened the
champagne bottle for her.

Aphindiwe: I'm keeping memories.

I poured a glass then handed it to her while she handed me her phone. I took as many pictures, trying all
the angles which she asked me to try. She was complaining about how bad of a photographer I was but
With her instructions I managed to get enough pictures perfectly.

Our cruise was around a certain place of the island, a peaceful hour cruise. A lot of times she was smiling
instead of screaming like I had pictured her to. She was all happy until the yatch came to a halt and the
assistance who was our driver for the day as well, presented us with a bag containing new diving suits in
it. She was trembling, shaking her head asking me multiple times to not go ahead with the plan as I
removed her sandals. She kept yanking her feet, cupping my my face so I'd look up at her. After
removing her sandals she removed her dress and stepped into the suit which fit her perfectly. She sat on
the sitting area and started fiddling with her nails, something she did when she was nervous. I squat in
front of her and held her hands to stop the motion

Me: Nhanha, look at me.

She closed her eyes and let out an exaggerated sigh before opening them again and looking straight into
mine.
Me: This is sea level, don't think it's too deep because we're in the middle of the sea. Yes the water is
going to run over you because you're short but I'm here for that. We not going deep, we are going to
float.

Aphindiwe: I can't float

Me: I'll help you. Okay?

She nodded hesitantly, her breathing insane from panic. The guy was getting other things ready just so
he could be ready for any sort of emergency. When he was done he told us we could go ahead when we
were all set

Me: Ready?

She shook her head and ran her hands over her cornrows. Her weave was off because she didn't want it
ruined. With the gate opened I dived in first, went head in then rised up and managed to get the salty
water out of my eyes by running a hand down my face.

Me: Iza.

She looked at my outstretched hand then at me. She looked terrible like she was about to shit her pants.

Me: Jonga xa ujumpa just do it slowly, don't throw yourself in ngamandla. You can take a step mid air,
ubenganthi you're into the water.

She prepared herself by taking the step in the air like I had instructed but withdrew it back again too
quickly. She shook her hands in a motion we all did when we received a hiding at school.

Aphindiwe: Ndoyika baby.

I felt she was at the urge of crying. I needed to make a plan because I wasn't going to do this alone, I
needed her in here just so I can show her how easy it was to fear something but later discover that it
wasn't as scary as you thought.

Me: I've got you. I'm not gonna let you drown. There are no sharks as well. Awuzotshona. Just do as I
told you.

The Phillip guy was also trying to encourage her, informing her that it wasn't scary at all. He went on to
assure her that her safety was both in our hands, and that he was a well-trained lifeguard, nothing was
to happen to her.

Me: Close your eyes. Now hold your nose. Tsiba

She jumped, letting out a loud scream as the water touched her. I instantly grabbed her waist as she
coughed, an indication that the salty water went into her mouth. She brought her hands to her face and
wiped the water away from her ears

Aphindiwe: Yhu yhu, ayabanda.

I watched her with a smile on my face. I was dangerously in love with her, I was obsessed with every
piece of her being. As I watched her get excited I knew I'd do anything to have her better herself
because even that small jump was a doorstep out of her phobia.
Me: Not bad right.

She shook her hand as she threw her hands around me neck and her legs wrapped around my waist in
that instant.

Me: You'll have us drown.

Aphindiwe: Nyani?

She flexed, wanting to pull away from me immediately. I laughed, tightening her around me.

Me: Ndiyadlala but we can't stay like this forever. We'll have to move, I want to see you move away
from me.

Her face was snuggled at the crook of my neck and she was placing endless kisses there.

Me: Bhelekazi uyandivha? (Can you hear me?)

Aphindiwe: Mh mh

I prepared to let her go but she held tightly unto me, her legs keeping me in place as she locked them
tightly around my waist. I chuckled and reassured her through kisses and words that I'm still with her, I
won't let her drown. I told her what motion she needed to do with her legs in order to keep above the
water. Slowly I shifted away from her, our hands still in contact. I freed her left hand and swam just a
little further, outstretching our arms until she was holding only the middle finger of my right hand and
then nothing. I watched her reaching out for my hand but I withdrew my arms completely. It took only a
few seconds apart and she started panicking, obviously drowning herself from all the panic nerves.

Me: Aphindiwe Don't panic.

She started screaming, calling my name, hitting the water like a mad woman. I continued telling her that
what she's doing will only drown her further. She tried keeping her head above the water but I could tell
her body was controlling her and not the other way around. When her head was covered in water I
jumped to her rescue, pulling her up but I was too late as her panic had already turned into tears.

Me: Sssshhhh Nhanha, I'm here.

She began kicking me beneath the water, those being the only limps she could use since her arms were
strangling my neck. She was crying, shaking and coughing from fear

Aphindiwe: Undiyekeleni, why undiyekile? (Why did you leave me, why?)

Me: Hey hey, I wasn't going to let you drown. I just needed you to practice.

Aphindiwe: Practice?!

She said between sobs, digging her fingers into my back, I'm guessing a way to make me feel her anger. I
held her tightly, whispering sweet nothings to her until she eventually gave in and calmed. She was still
shaking and I knew perfectly so that it wasn't because of the cold water. I was still trying to make her
understand why I did what I did when Phillip called from above us, saying he believed that was enough
learning for one day.
He helped a frightened Aphindiwe up the Yatch and I followed, finding a seat next to her immediatly.
She looked away just as I tried cupping her face with my hands

"Baby."

Aphindiwe: Ndikuqumbele. How could you just watch me sink?

Me: I wasn't watching baby.

She spun around and gave me an incredulous look

Aphindiwe: There was nothing funny about what you did.

Me: I wasn't trying to be funny as well.

Phillip came in view and gave us two large towels to cover our wet selves with. She thanked him before
returning her attention back to me

Me: I just want to help you let go of this fear you have yamanzi. Water is the last thing you should be
scared, it's people you need to look at.

Aphindiwe: Ndikuqumbele still. (I'm still mad at you.)

We kept each other's gaze until she muttered a loud 'mxm' subsequently turning to face the other way.

Me: Sekho cute nje xa uqumbile.

Aphindiwe: Don't try and make me smile ngoba I won't.

I leaned in and placed a kiss on her neck, running my tongue beneath her ear. I found her ear and
whispered

"We can see how long that will last."

She didn't move nor stop me as I trailed kisses along her jaw bone as my hand traveled up to cup her
best. She smacked it away, giggling and whispered

Aphindiwe: Hayi we're not alone. And we're in view kumntu yonke.

Me: It would be the best sex they'd ever see kwabona.

Aphindiwe: Sies babe.

On the way back we took pictures and a video in the suits we were wearing. She still couldn't stop
complaining about how frightened I got her, how she kept calling my name but I just watched her like it
did nothing kum. I knew it was the phobia in her talking, she knew very well I wouldn't let anything
happen to her under my watch.

We made it back to the hotel damp and in cheerful moods. My body was craving more swimming as I
had last done that a couple of years back when we were training at work under some course which
required swimming as a perfected skill. As we made it to the room she wouldn't stop talking about the
Yatch experience, how she never climbed one before because she was never around the beach areas in
her life.
Me: So eyonanto oyithandileyo was the cruise not the lesson learning

Aphindiwe: I appreciate you being the type of boyfriend you are nhe Fhaku, trying to help overcome
certain things but apha the cruise takes the cup.

Me: I shouldn't have booked la cruise then ngoba the aim wasn't for you to have fun.

She did a 360 turn, pulling a face to tease me further.

Me: This suit fits you kakuhle.

Aphindiwe: As if you'd want me to wear it phambi kwabantu.

Me: Nangoku nje, your body's in display with that on.

Aphindiwe: But I'm sexy

I cocked a brow at her comment and stared at her. She giggled, rolling her eyes

"Awunamona, fine ke I'll only be sexy for you."

Me: You better.

She stuck her tongue out and headed straight for the bathroom. We jumped into the shower for a
refreshing before stepping out and laying lazily around with our gowns. I appreciated how she never
started drinking until I poured a glass of whiskey for myself. To me it was a respectful thing to do more
especially knowing how much she loved her alcohol.

The week flew by with more dates and one last exercise which Phindi couldn't stop throwing complaints
about. It was an activity I was doing for the second time in my life, however I was thrilled knowing it was
her first. We went hiking; there was about 20 of us, couples and families. I told her it was the first
exercise to her losing the weight she had been worried about. It was another tick from the bucket list of
things I wanted to do with her. I still had tons of other things to accomplish and sky diving was one of
them. I am a man who feared and fears nothing in life except for a human being. In my whole 31 years
of living, I knew not the pain of being bitten by an animal, the pain of being stung by a bee. I knew not of
any other pain except for that which humans have inflicted on me. So being part of life thrilling activities
was the list of my worries. I was a person who took risks because I believe risks build you.

The other two days left of the trip were spent shopping, a lot of fucking and cuddling as well as talking
about how I wasn't going to be able to visit her the whole December. She'd have to go throughout the
holidays without me. It was going to be the second time ever since we started dating where she'd spend
another month without my company, the first being when she was writing her exams.

When we returned back to South Africa I felt we had connected at another level. I know you might be
rolling your eyes because throughout the year I lived with her but a vacation with your loved one brings
a different type of feeling. It's not just the change of environment that excites you but the fact that
you're there, only with that particular individual. I was realizing on a daily basis how much I loved this
woman. I thought I loved previously until I met her. I was willing to go deep for her something I never
even felt for Nomthandazo. With everything negative surrounding us, how people were constantly
trying to break us apart, how our families were ashamed of our love because it was seen as a curse, I
knew deep down I'd cut and hurt whoever was in my way of getting to her. People needed to
understand she was my sanity. She was the only thing keeping me sane. Maybe my connection to her
didn't make sense to the Dabulas but for my family they knew very well that since she was brought by
fate in my circle, my negative energy has rested. The understood and knew me better, and they knew
with her around I was the best man I could. It made sense to me though why they thought
Nomthandazo was responsible for that because they didn't know behind closed doors how my
relationship with Nomthandazo was. What they knew was how we were around them and they believed
Nomthandazo was the only reason I was sane. Little did they know she was one of the people who
added fuel to the fire in me Phindi was attempting to turn off.

24th Entry

Asanda's POV

I was overly excited when Phindi called me informing me that she was in Mthatha, having arrived the
previous day, and was to see me on Sunday. She insisted we go out, saying she'd pay for everything.
UTamnci was the last thing on our minds, if he wanted to sulk and throw tantrums about it then he
could suit himself but there was no way I'd stay away from umntana wasekhaya just because our
parents had problems. Their problems were theirs. I found it unfair that we had to be dragged into the
mess as well. Considering ibehavior ka Tamnci, he was obviously looking out for his only daughter but
that still didn't give him the right to order her around to stay away from me, maybe from my mother
and other elders but not from me.

I entered the kitchen with a smile on my face. At least someone who had their best interest at heart was
coming to see me, unlike my so pretentious friends who gossiped about my abusive relationship behind
my back. These were news I hadn't shared with anyone, not even with Aphindiwe. I was rather too
ashamed to know that I couldn't do a damn single thing about Luyanda. I was too afraid to tell umama
because I knew she'd turn it into a war and my fear was more linked to the man I was involved with
more than it was to anything. I acknowledged if my mother ever knew about it she'd want to see his
parents that resulting to him being more aggressive towards me. I had about a week not seeing him
even after he had requested we meet a couple of times. I was aware even that on its own was a form of
some danger.

I dragged the chair from the table to sit opposite my mother

Mama: Awusancume mntanam, caba uve indaba ezimmandi? (You are smiling my child, I bet you heard
some good news?)

Me: Hayi wethu, nje. Aphindiwe ukhona

Mama: Oh, ufike nini? (Oh when did she arrive?)

I could already sense the forced excitement in her voice. Unlike umakazi, Tamnci, Makhulu and all the
other family memebers, umama didn't mind me spending time with Aphindiwe but if it made Tamnci
angry then she didn't want it to be done.

Me: Today but uthi uzondibona ngomso.

She finished off her coffee before dragging her self to the basin. She remained quiet for almost 5
minutes before clearing her throat and giving me a concerned look I knew already was to come

Mama: Anditsho mntanam uba sudibana noAphindiwe ngoba kaloku ngumntana wakokwenu so uzofuna
umbona. Kodwa uyicinge nale yoba uTatomncinci wakho akafuni nosibona nomntana wakhe (I'm not
saying don't meet up with Aphiwe because she's your cousin so you'll obviously want to see her. But I
want you to bare in mind that your uncle doesn't want us near his daughter)

I wanted to remind her that in honesty Tamnci had no problem with me spending time with Aphindiwe,
he had a problem with Aphindiwe being here, around them. But I refrained and nodded, unlocking my
phone. I text away with Phindi, planning tomorrow's outfits. We were both gifted with beautiful bodies,
but hers more sexier than mine was because I had a tummy and couldn't give a single shit about it. I
spent the day watching tv and chatting with my mother here and there before she took a nap and I had
to cook supper.

The following day I cleaned up, brushing my dyed short hair and applying the little makeup I had and
knew how. I took a taxi to BT Ngebs right after noon, informing umama that I'd sleep home. I arrived at
the mall before Aphindiwe and she instructed I place orders for some drinks at Mugg & Bean. I watched
her walk into the restaurant a few minutes after our drinks arrived, hers already starting to dilute
because of the ice cubes in it. A genuine smile made way to her lips before she even sat down

Aphindiwe: Mntase.

I stood up and gave her a hug. I was a girl from the ghetto, raised in the ghetto I knew not of hugs and
being affectionate but when I was with her she gave me no choice because she'd walk up to me with her
arms wide open. She settled on the seat opposite mine, still grinning

Aphindiwe: Awusemhle. (You're so beautiful)

Me: Hello bitchikazi. Awutyebe rha. (Hello bitch. Damn you're fat)

Aphindiwe: Yhoo sundikhumbuza Sasa, jonga ndiyihagu sana (Don't remind me Sasa, look I'm a pig
okay.)

I laughed, sliding her drink towards her across the table. We caught up, filling each other in about almost
everything. From my side, I told her about how things going with bhuti Olwethu forced me to return
back home, barely 7 months into my studies. I told her about my friends and how Buhle had a
miscarriage. I told her everything but my relationship which was still a shock to me because this was still
a new thing. I broke up with Luyanda before because of how he carried himself - he drank too much,
was out of line half of the time, and barely took a bath when he was drinking. I couldn't be with such a
guy. I granted him another chance prior to heading to Port Elizabeth and since then things haven't been
good. As she told me about her relationship with Mihle I couldn't help but approve of him even after I'd
hated him for what he did to her. The man had to be given some credit, he was trying and more.

We sat there ordering drink after drink before we ordered some food. By the time we ate we were both
tipsy but in a good way and the time was nearing 5 in the evening

Aphindiwe: Funeke khe uzolala ekhaya (You should come sleep over)

Me: Yhuu Abe ephi utamnci? (And where will uncle be?)
Aphindiwe: I'll deal with lowo ngokwam.

We continued drinking until Phindi's phone disturbed the moment. The first call she received was from
Mihle, a video call, then she received a direct call from Tamnci asking about her whereabouts then thirty
minutes later Tamnci called again. She settled the bill before heading out of the mall, to catch taxis in
the closest area where they're available. I knew I missed her and how loud we became when we were
drunk.

We parted ways after a short hug and I took my taxis home, getting off at the nearest tarven to grab two
can of Strongbow.

Three days passed without seeing Phindi because her father was up her neck about a lot of things,
getting her to visit his office and perform some Admin work. She'd text me on a daily basis about how
she couldn't wait until Tamnci closed at work because she was fed up of waking up in the morning,
forced to step into his office every weekday at 10 in the morning without getting any pay. I couldn't help
but laugh when she recorded a voice note for me telling me about how her father returned home during
his lunch and literally dragged her out of the house in leggings so she could bring her ass to work.
Tamnci was a stubborn man, if he felt something was right and needed to be done then he'd do it no
matter the challenges. This was his way of training her, so said Phindi, which we both found hilarious
because she was still doing her second level.

On the 15th of December was her last day at the office and she didn't present herself because Tamnci
wasn't around. He left that Thursday to King for whatever Aphindiwe didn't know, so that gave us
another opportunity to bond again. However, this one was different, we planned to chill at her home
and she insisted I sleepover. I had to lie kumama and tell her Aphindiwe booked a B&B which didn't go
well because my mother lectured me about how we shouldn't waste money and she didn't want me
helping Aphindiwe with her spoilt brat deeds because if Tamnci happened to find out, I'd get dragged
into the mess. I was visiting her with Buhlebendalo, umntana we sister in law yoomama. I packed
anyway, feeling a little too anxious about being at Southernwood. The last time I was in that home was
2010, precisely ten years ago. I left home just when the sun was setting, meeting my cousin in town so
we could buy the amount of booze we'd need and know we could finish before her father returned. Her
father was coming back from King on Sunday.

Slipping my bag over my shoulder I walked into Spar prepared to check every aisle for her but it didn't
take long before I saw her. She was looking through the snacks shelf before she felt my presence

Aphindiwe: Heee sana awusa swenke, uya ekhaya sisi no where fancy.

I slapped her back, rolling my eyes at how dramatic she was faking the pain. We picked through the
snacks, taking everything we thought we'd need then headed for the teller

"Uthe lowo sizomfumana ePlaza" (She said we'll find her at Plaza mall)

Aphindiwe: Haibo akadiki uBuhle, I mean she could walk to here

Me: Uyonqena uBuhle wethu. (Buhle is lazy)

Aphindiwe: But how is she dealing with the miscarriage?

I shrugged myself, feeling somewhat uncomfortable talking about indaba zomnye umntu (talking about
someone else's private news). Phindi gave me a side glance prior to looking at the register screen to see
the amount. She searched her pretty sling bag which I'm sure was expensive from the look of it and
pulled out a few notes, giving the teller R300. After paying we took the plastic bags and stepped out,
heading straight for Spar Liquor

Me: She's not good wethu. You know how much she loves her boyfriend, she wanted something that
will keep them together wethu you know.

Aphindiwe: Isn't this the same guy who paid quarter lobola three years ago, didn't finish it off even after
he got promoted at work?

I nodded. She opened her mouth to talk but closed it again before snorting

Aphindiwe: Who am I to talk phofu?

I giggled, shaking my head at how we all seemed to be having trouble in paradise even though I doubted
hers was worse than any of ours. For myself and Buhle I took 3 carry pack of Strongbow and Phindi took
about 5 champagnes for herself.

Knowing we couldn't carry all these and walk straight to Plaza I decided to call someone who'd come
pick us up. A guy way older and married, who was eager to have me as a side dish. Aphindiwe being
curious as always wanted to know but I told I'd let her know, probably when the alcohol was already in
my system doing what it does best. We stood there, devouring a packet of Pringles before Lucky pulled
up in his Mercedes Benz. As always, he remained in the car and waited for us to step in. The man was
typical Zulu, in his early 40s and had a family back in Zululand. That's how much I knew of him since I
had only known him for almost two months and we hadn't spent time together. Before dropping us off
at Southernwood, he passed by Plaza picking up Buhle.

We arrived at Southernwood and I almost forgot how beautiful this house was. Buhlebendalo never
came here because she was more of my cousin than she was to Phindi, it was her first time and she
couldn't stop staring in awe. Buhle and Phindi only knew each other from different occasions and that's
obviously because of the problems which led Tamnci to prevent his daughter from visiting eCala. Our
mothers, who were sisters were originally from eCala, that's where uMakhulu lived throughout the
whole year if she wasn't visiting umama who was the first born of her five children. Buhle was a
daughter of my uncle's, a brother to both my mother and Aphindiwe's late mother. Buhle knew
Aphindiwe's mother very well but wasn't much familiar with her daughter.

She spun on the lounge open area and looked at the marble floors before her eyes landed on the
beautiful A2 portrait of uMakazi hanging on the wall

Buhlebendalo: Oh umamomncinci

Aphindiwe: Ha.a bethuna we're not here to pay tribute Buhle, sizosela.

Buhle: Le picture intle.

Aphindiwe: Worse I told Utata not to hang it ke sana because wow kaloku.
She rolled her eyes and since I knew my cousin way better, I knew she was trying to act strong. I poked
Buhle and shook my head just as Phindi turned her back on us heading to the kitchen. Buhle smiled
before we trailed behind her

Me: Khandiphe iglass, mna sele ndifuna unxila bethuna. (Pass me a glass, I want to get drunk already)

Aphindiwe giggled, nodding towards the black cabinet right opposite her. I pressed the cabinet door and
it slid open, revealing glasses placed neatly in a glass rack

Me: Ngutamnci lo upakisha apha? (Is uncle the one who packs here?)

Aphindiwe: What? Umthanda gqithi, kukho omnye uSisi who cleans here wethu.

We settled in the lounge, with soft music playing on the big screen as we chatted our way through the
early evening. Aphindiwe excused herself when she received a call from her boyfriend, taking a long sip
of the champagne in her glass before answering the call. She must have gone for almost an hour before
retreating from the kitchen, holding a chocolate.

She threw herself on the couch and folded her legs underneath her butt, sipping further into the glass
almost emptying it.

Me: Uright?

She nodded, giving me her real smile and I knew she wasn't lying.

Me: So injalo wethu, complicated as fuck and I'm not willing to go back.

She cocked a grow and looked at me as she poured her champopo into her glass

"What's njalo ngoku?"

Me: Relationship yam.

Fixing her sitting position she broke another bar of chocolate then stared hard at me

"Start from the beginning, I didn't get that."

Aphindiwe's POV

I stared at my cousin without blinking, listening to every detail of her story. I sort of knew she wasn't
telling us everything. The way she tensed when she said Luyanda only hit her twice was a complete lie, I
could tell by looking at her but I wasn't going to push further. Sasa was a tough girl, more tough than
any person I know. I admired her strength and how focused she always seemed and for her to be caught
up in such a situation made me realize that love made you do stupid things. I knew she was the type
who'd either fight back, if she got slapped by any man whatsoever, she returned the favor. She was
never one to allow man to touch her. I lowered my cramping legs from the couch and allowed them to
hang, bending and releasing my toes to get rid of the cramps quicker. She emptied her glass and stood
up, heading to the kitchen for another can of what she was drinking

Me: So lo Tata yena?!

I shouted enough for her to hear me. She didn't answer immediately, only did as she appeared in the
lounge again

Asanda: Ha.a ndifuna imali qha kulo (No, I just want money from him)

Buhle: But ayizi yodwa mntase, funeke uvule (But it doesn't for free sis, you have to open up)

She grabbed the chocolate from me and went over to her seat

Asanda: Then ndizovula, kudala ndavula (Then I'll open, I've opened for quite some time)

We cracked with laughter, giving each other high fives.

Me: And it's better to open for money than nothing. I'm not prostitute yourself but if kunomntu who
wants to date you and ukubheja nge 5k then kubekho lo okubheja nge R50. Baby girl, settle for the 5k

Buhle nodded, quickly gulping her drink so she'd talk

Buhle: And life's not cheap bethuna so ha.a

Asanda: Anisandi lontshi ngoba kaloku nina ninamadoda aright apocketini (You guys misleading me
because you guys have men with good pockets)

Buhle: Hayi Siya wayeka. Akandiphi necent (No Siya stopped. He doesn't give me a cent)

I didn't have much to say in this instance because my man spent on me.

Asanda: Uyatwela ntombi sorry to say.

I giggled, thinking if maybe andityelwa na mna. I wondered because if there was anything I knew about
Mihle, it was that when he wanted to hide something he was good at hiding it. I was thrown out of my
thoughts when Asanda asked

"So wena mntase, ithini into ye relationship yakho? I know kumnandi ngoku but lamntu wakho seems
rather too much of a hunk to keep things peaceful oko."

I kept quiet, looking at my nails wondering if I should share it with them. It bothered me. I didn't really
sleep peacefully and when I was alone I still cried about it but I couldn't let anybody know; I didn't want
people thinking my boyfriend was that type of a person even if he was. I knew they'd also question the
type of woman I was, to still be in love with the same man who killed someone innocent. I looked up
faking a smile

Me: Akhonto wethu. Yes we not picture perfect but uyazama.

Asanda: But?

Me: Akho but

Asanda: He never hit you again?

I shook my head letting out a shaky sigh. I wanted to change this topic so badly because it was reminding
me of late events. He didn't just lay a hand on me, he killed someone I wanted to tell them but how on
earth was I going to say those words.
Buhle: As long as he's trying sana because men are aggressive out here.

Me: Yeah

I barely whispered the response, gulping

"But there are times I feel like andimazi."

I tried confessing, maybe if I spoke in riddles they'd understand.

Asanda: Why uzotsho njalo? (Why would you say that?)

Me: Mihle shuts out and when he does

I shook my head, unable to finish the sentence. Sasa kept a curious gaze on me before it turned to
concern

Asanda: Haibo you guys seem alright nje.

Me: We are, we are. Qha there are times I feel like I'm involved with someone else and not him. He's got
temper issues and akakwazi uyibamba itemper yakhe.

Asanda: Uyakubetha? (Is he hitting you?)

Her voice came out a high pitch, one I'm sure she also didn't anticipate. I looked up at her and could see
the anger in her eyes, she thought I was lying.

Me: No akandibethi.

Asanda: Then yintoni? Awumthandi? (Then what it is? Don't you love him?)

Me: I love him.

Asanda: Kengoku what's the problem?

This is exactly what I meant about her. She didn't give in to a fight and from her sudden anger and
concern I knew she wanted to fight Mihle for whatever he did or was doing. I was about to talk when
Buhle looked at me with a look almost close to fear

Buhle: You're shaking Phindi.

Without noticing that I was shaking, I quickly lean forward and put my glass on the table, trying to
breath properly. I felt like I was suffocating. Odwa's scent was suddenly filling the room, taking in my
nostrils and my taste buds as though I had just kissed his neck and licked my lips. His laugh, smile and
eyes were crowding my brain. This is what happened most of the time when I was having nightmares,
when I was sleeping alone and not with Mihle. It was a private fight between myself and memories and
never did I think it would happen in the presence of others.

I was suffocating. I couldn't breath from how strong his smell was getting and I knew was going to pass
out if I didn't pull myself together. Fear taking over and not knowing what to do I shut my eyes and let
out a loud scream before breaking into uncontrollable sobs.
25th Entry

Aphindiwe's POV

After the so dramatic breakdown, Sasa managed to finally calm me down, setting the bed for me and
forcing me in it. Buhle brought some of her drinks in the bedroom and made space for herself on my
love sofa, drinking some more. I couldn't blame her, I asked them over so we could drink and not have
them witness my troubles. Asanda's gaze burned through my skin, a look which carried so many
questions I knew she was going to ask but probably not that night. I set the continental pillow against
the headboard and leaned on it, looking at Buhle who was busy typing on her phone.

Asanda: Uright?

I nodded, hanging my legs off the bed so I could step out of it. I was stopped before I even finished the
motion

Asanda: Ufunantoni ndiyokulandela yona? (What do you want, I'll go fetch if for you?)

Me: I'm not paralyzed mntase you know that right?

Asanda: I know. Ufuna ntoni?

Rolling my eyes I fixed the blankets over my legs

Me: My champagne, the champagne glass I was using and a packet of chips please

Asanda: So usafuna usela? (So you still want to drink?)

Buhle: And sisi uze nezakho izinto, asizohlala apha ingathi kubhujiwe (And sis bring your drinks as well,
we won't sit here like someone has passed on.)

Sasa removed herself from the bed and left the room, giving me some time to dwell into my thoughts.
Buhle was as quiet as a mouse and without Sasa's eyes throwing curious daggers at me I closed my eyes
and threw my head back, the pillow supporting it. I silently cursed myself for losing my cool, I could have
just allowed the topic to bypass and talk about clothes maybe. I brought my hand to my closed eyes and
almost jumped out of the bed, startled, when Buhle asked

"Uyakhala? (Are you crying?)"

For a minute or two I forgot she was in the room with me. I shook my head, sitting up straight

Me: Ha.a ndiyacinga qha (I'm just thinking)

She gave me a sympathetic smile before removing herself from the sofa and walked towards the
hairdresser

Buhle: Does your laptop have movies?

I responded, averting my gaze to the door as Asanda stepped in, holding too many to carry with only her
hands. The champagne and some of her drinks were supported under her arms whilst she carried an ice
bucket and glasses with her hands

Me: Took long enough.

Asanda: Sugeza.

I helped her set the bucket next to the bedside lamp and the glasses, holding hers as I waited for her to
place them on the floor. After opening the champagne I filled my glass and concentrated on the laptop
placed on my lap by Buhle. Unlocking it, I searched through the movies. Asanda sat on my right and
Buhle found herself space on my left and we settled, picking a movie that would be suitable for all of us.

I don't remember when we fell asleep but I woke up my phone vibrating on the headboard stand.
Nudging Sasa to pass me the device was almost impossible because she kept muttering complaints
before turning over to face the other side. I towered over her and grabbed the device as fast as I could
but it stopped ringing just when I was going to answer. I rolled out of bed, careful not to wake the two
ladies before heading out the room dialing Mihle back

"Mambhele"

Me: Fhaku, I thought ulibele uba ubuthe you'll call me.

He chuckled, causing a smile to form on my lips

Mihle: Asoze. Just been caught up in work that's all. You sleeping?

I passed a quick glance at the clock on the wall and almost rolled my eyes at his silly question

Me: It's 3 am baby, of course I was sleeping.

He kept quiet, his even breath the only thing I could hear. I was about to speak when he broke the
silence

Mihle: I miss you

Me: Nam

Mihle: Nawe utheni? (What about you?)

Me: I miss you.

I settled on the couch ignoring the cold leather seats that pickled my skin.

Mihle: What do you miss ngam?

I blushed, knowing from how rough his voice was he was definitely horny. My clit twitched, bringing
butterflies on the lower part of my abdomen

Me: Everything.

Mihle: You know what I miss?... I miss the sound of you when you wet, the smell of you when you're
wet. I miss how you're always wet for me

Me: Baby?

I whispered hoping he'd stop before I became horny myself and wouldn't be able to please myself the
way he'd do me.

Mihle: Mhuh?
Me: Hayi

He chuckled, a deep roast chuckle, oh fuck he was really gone.

"I miss when I bend you over and you beg me not to go deeper because you can't take how big I am. I
miss the way you say 'aaaahhh' after every first penetration."

I sucked in a breath, feeling the excitement build in me.

Mihle: You're holding your breathe.

Me: Uyandimosha kaloku

There was silence again before I heard him gulp some liquid, I was hoping it's water, he couldn't be
drinking at that hour of the day

Mihle: Unxibe ntoni? (What are you wearing?)

Me: My short pj's.

Mihle: Let's end this call, I want to video call you.

I stifled a giggle, knowing exactly where this was going. Ending the call I looked around, finding a spot
where I'll be comfortable and able to see him. I switched on the lights and settled on one chair from the
dining hall while the other I used to rest my feet. I was still trying to get comfortable when my phone
rang again, revealing the man I so missed. He was seated, leaning against the headboard, a can of play in
his other hand

Mihle: You comfortable?

After confirming my comfortability, we sat there chatting for hours. One thing leading to another,
instructions of how I should touch myself but not insert a damn finger inside me. He just wanted my
fingers on my clit, rubbing fast and hard while he spoke dirty everythings to me. He makes it easy for me
to reach the climax, his breathing and words make wonders. I knew my inside was for him; his cock, his
tongue and his fingers. Whenever I played with myself he didn't need to tell me twice, I knew the
entering hole was off limits. This was our third video call of such a manner since we started dating and I
was getting better at it. The first time I practiced it, I slept extremely wet, recalling his every word and
how his intense stare lingered on me even after I was done. I wanted him instantly and couldn't get his
image out my mind, I couldn't shut out his words - the things he said he'd do to me and I knew none of it
was a lie, if I gave him the go ahead he'd actually please me that way.

He was a different type of naughty. He was dirty, nasty, romantic, rough when needed to be, extremely
rough when he was furious. He was also gentle as ever, very gentle that you'd actually stop yourself
from crying at how beautiful his strokes were. He was poisonous; two sides forming a great looking man:
he was dangerous, demanding, easily irritable, short tempered but he was also a romantic God, good
with words, had the touch of an angel and once you fell in love with him, you fell in love with both sides.
There wasn't a side you wanted to remove from him because that would mean you don't have the
whole Mihle, once you loved him you learned to love both sides and that's exactly what was trapping
me. I watched him through the screen of my phone as he explained his day for me, complaining about
how he couldn't wait for the training to be over. I loved him, as scared as I was of him, I couldn't deny
that I loved him. There was no man who has ever made me feel so special before yet still managed to
make me want to run for my life once he was angry. All he needed was understanding and I wanted to
give it to him.

Mihle: Are you even listening to me?

Me: Ewe. Can I tell you something?

He nodded, fixing his sitting position. His hand went to massage his bearded chin while his eyes
narrowed at me through the phone screen

Me: I had a break down izolo late.

Mihle: A break down?

He cocked a brow, confused about this confession

Me: Ewe. I was with Sasa kaloku and she wanted to know about our relationship wethu. So she finally
realized uba something wasn't right but I couldn't tell her so instead I started shaking and couldn't
compose myself for some time.

Mihle: What was wrong?

I swallowed. His voice was stern, giving a hint that he knew exactly what I was going to say next.

Me: Our talk was something closely related to Odwa but I didn't mention anything.

He dropped his gaze and closed his eyes, for the longest 3 minutes I sat on the couch now watching the
seconds go by on the screen, turning our call into another hour. He sighed, finally looking up

Mihle: Masilale (Let's sleep)

Me: Please Mihle, we need to talk about this.

Mihle: Talk about what Aphindiwe?

Me: Andikho right

Mihle: I can't bring him back if that's what you're hop...

Me: Could you please stop with your irrational thinking ndiyakucela? I need help, you need help. I'm
scared that keeping this inside might just force me to speak to the wrong person about, umntu who will
use it against you. I no longer want to keep this inside.

Mihle: What difference will it make xa ungaxelile abantu bakokwabo? A stranger won't solve shit,
he/she didn't have any sort of connection with your ex boyfriend.

There he was, using that word again. We argued multiple times about this with me constantly reminding
him that he was better addressed as Odwa but every time he lost his cool, we fell back to square one. I
sighed, feeling a whole magraine invite itself

Me: Can we at least try and see if it won't make a difference nah.
Mihle: And what person will be willing to keep a secret of how I murdered someone and wasn't
convicted for it?

I shrugged my shoulders, I didn't think that far and honestly speaking I did not have the energy to think
at all. He stared at me for some time, his head titled to the side before nodding

"Let me look into it then ndizakuxelela."

Me: Thank you.

Mihle: Let me sleep noba yile 2 hours, it's quarter past 5.

Me: Okay.

Mihle: I love you.

Me: I love you.

He hung up, leaving me still staring at the screen of my phone. My heart was heavy because I missed
him and I was drained, unable to move forward with everything that has happened that year. If my
results came back looking worse, it wouldn't shock me.

Removing myself from the couch I dragged my feet towards the spare room and pulled the throw laid
out in style on the bed. I was creating some comfort for myself on the couch.

I woke up to a terrible shake and a loud scream from Asanda. She was towering over me, a huge grin on
her face.

Asanda: Khavuke, usishiye nakula bhedi yakho (Wake up, you even left us in that bed of yours)

Rubbing my eyes, I sat up groaning

Me: Ngubani exesha? (What time is it?)

Asanda: To nine mfazi. You know umama always says intombi ayilali until this late

My eyes were still stinging from lack of sleep. I scanned the room, finally realizing that I was still in the
lounge

Me: Sani oko ndithetha noMihle efounin, I just slept ngoku. (Dude ever since I was on the phone with
Mihle, I just slept now.)

Asanda: You promised uzondikhapha wena noBuhle ndiyokwenza intloko. Vuka bitch! (You and Buhle
promised you'd come with me to do my hair. Wake up bitch!)

She yelled on her way to the kitchen. I wanted to sleep some more but she was right, we had promised
and since we were going out that night, she wanted to look her best.

After cleaning the house, bathing and preparing ourselves we stepped outside for the first time that day,
the sun burning its rays through our skin. We made it to town in one piece despite the ridiculous heat.
After grabbing the many hair pieces Sasa thought she'd need, we headed for the salon; a zinc shelter
which contributed to the heat outside, making it impossible to sit down and relax. Opting for the heat
outside instead, I grabbed my chair and walked out, Buhle following suit. I decided I'd rather die from
being outside than be killed by the heat as well as hair dryer hot air from inside the shelter.

"So uright from izolo?"

Buhle questioned as she fixed her chair so it would stop being unbalanced otherwise she would have
fallen over any time

Me: Better.

Buhle: If yindoda le inkwenza lento mntasekhaya it's not worth it. We need to come to terms and
understand uba amadoda atoxic qha, worse la siwathandayo. (If it's a man who's doing you like this then
it's not worth it. We need to come to terms and understand that men are toxis, more especially the ones
we love.)

I nodded, honestly not wanting to indulge into last night's events but fuck me, she continued anyway

Buhle: Jonga uyabona le yam indoda ndizoyishiya ithi saaa, uzokunya njenje engabhadlanga nje (You see
I'm going to leave my man, he'll come to his senses.)

Me: Uyakubetha? (Does he hit you?)

For some weird reason I found my voice again eager to compare my situation with those of others. She
nodded, chewing on her lower lip

"Jonga uyandibetha, uyandinyisa. Ubakhe ndalwa haike it's worse. He doesn't want me to have male
friends. Yhuu ndanele babes, ndiyahamba, phofu bendimxelele wathi sizobona."

Me: Have you filed a case against him?

Buhle: Ewe, even had protection order which I broke ngokwam phofu

Me: Why?

I was a little confused, why would she do that? I wanted to voice out my opinion but who was I to start
judging other people when I was sometimes bothered by how my relationship went.

Buhle: Haisoka wethu kuba muncu and uthando lusitya igqondo if you haven't noticed. (Argh, it's part of
being stupid and if you haven't noticed love makes us stupid.)

I laughed, actually agreeing with her on that one.

We sat there for almost 3 hours if noy 4 waiting for Sasa to finish her hairdo. By the time she was done
with the hair, I was done myself, having burned out all the engery in me. We made it to the mall after a
short walk which seemed rather too long because of how exhausted I was, I even doubted I was going to
make it to the club that night. Seated at McDonald's we devoured our meals in between chats and
obvious complaints about the heat. When we made it back to Southernwood we all took needed naps
before waking up and getting ready for the night.

'So What' was a place suitable enough for your jeans and sneakers, a sportish look and not that I
couldn't manage being in heels all night, I just knew it would be a spot. The place was decent enough for
Mthatha but nothing like the clubs I went to in Cape Town nor Johannesburg. So change of environment
required change of style.

I was still trying to perfect my edges when my phone vibrated against the hairdresser, I peeped over it,
rolling my eyes as I swiped the answering icon

"Nhanha?"

Me: Hey Tata

I set the phone on loud speaker and continued with my work

Tata: How's my only daughter doing?

Me: Not good. It actually took you three days to call. Three yonke.

Tata: So?

Me: Something could have happened to me Tata in 72 hours.

Tata: Did something happen?

The thick sarcasm in his voice was the reason I decided not to answer, I knew he was teasing and I was
dead serious, he needed to call me often

Tata: Good. Since you sound like you're in one piece bendizokuxelela uba Utata akasabuyi ngomso but
Tuesday.

Me: Why?

Tata: Because something came up.

Me: What something?

Tata: Aphindiwe, hayi.

Me: But David I just want up know.

Tata: Lord please allow me to trade my daughter for a respectful son.

Me: Ndikuvile (I heard)

Tata: I know. Goodnight ke Nhanha, Utata has to run. That was the only message I had for you.

Me: There's another message you're forgetting.

Instead of saying he loves me, he blew kisses and ended the call. Asanda was looking at me with a grin
on her face

Asanda: Uyak'thanda uTamnci

Me: Kufanele, I'm his only child.

She giggled, getting back to applying her eyeliner. When I was finished with my makeup I gave them
some room to finish off what they were doing. I pressed my phone against my ear and stepped out,
retreating to the kitchen. At the first try the other line rang 'til it went to voicemail. I ended the call and
slid the phone on the counter, heading straight for the fridge. I needed something smooth at least, and
yogurt sounded good. I was still searching the fridge, wondering if mixing strawberries and the yogurt
which already had strawberry pieces was a good idea, when my phone trailed me away from my
thoughts, it's vibrations sending alerts through the kitchen. I reached out for it

"Baby."

Mihle: Bhelekazi

Me: Unjani? Are you okay, you sound tired.

Mihle: I think I'm coming down with fever, I don't know.

Me: And you barely have fever. Get something for it.

Mihle: I went to town for something. I see your missed call, ndiphuma kwi shower. Buzothini?

Me: Do I suddenly need a reason to call my man nah?

He chuckled, that deep heavy chuckle of his which made me blush even when needed not to

Mihle: Ha.a Nhanha qha I thought ubuthe ekseni yall are going out.

Me: We getting ready for lonto ngoku.

Mihle: Uyatya? (You're eating?)

I nodded, shoving another full spoon in my mouth

Me: Ewe yogurt.

Mihle: Unxibe ntoni? (What are you wearing?)

Me: Jeans and a t-shirt then I'll carry a jacket.

Mihle: Nothing revealing?

I giggled, rolling my eyes. His obsession of not wanting me to show off some skin was growing intensely,
and I was a woman who loved showing what I took from my mother.

Me: Ha.a baby, just jeans.

Mihle: Nezo jeans aren't okay. They're too tight and all it takes is for any man to see you in that and he
already knows how you look naked.

Me: Oh, so that's what you do nawe kwezinye igirls?

He chuckled, changing the subject

Mihle: Awuzosela Mos? (You won't drink right?)

Me: Kancinci nje babe.

Mihle: Not at all, uyazazi how reckless you get xa unxilile.

Me: Not anymore.

Mihle: Aphindiwe.

Me: Kancinci bo baby, and Asanda uzobe ekhona at least you know she's responsible even when drunk.

Asanda and Buhle came through the passage, yelling that we should leave. We were being picked up
and dropped off by Asanda's sugar daddy and from the way Sasa couldn't keep still the man was
probably outside already.

Me: Baby let me love and leave you kevha.

Mihle: I'll call every three hours. You better keep your cool otherwise I'm there first thing in the
morning.

I laughed, shaking my head at how ridiculous he sounded. However I knew not to mess with him, if it
meant he had to catch a flight now then I trusted he would.

Me: There won't be a need.

Mihle: I hope so. Ndiyak'thanda evha.

Me: I love you.

He blew a few kisses prior to ending the call. Asanda was no longer in the house when I removed the
phone from my ear, and Buhle had her impatient gaze on. Grabbing my handbag from the counter, and I
damn sure wasn't leaving the yogurt behind, I rushed behind Buhle making sure the door was locked.
The black C63 was waiting outside for us already, it's speakers blasting loud with music. I jumped into
the car, feeling good and excited about that night, knowing very well that it was about to get fucken lit.
Nights with Asanda were always the best even though most of them ended with a little drama.

I was hoping there was no drama or any of her past abusive boyfriends who would invade our space. I
was surrounded with enough drama, pain and killing in a matter of two years, I knew wouldn't stand it
no longer if anything happened that night.

26th Entry

Mihle's POV

The December holiday, which was more like a busy month for me instead, passed by with a lot of
frustration. I was far from the people I cared most dearly about, away from my son and from Phindi, as
well as my family. I missed my sister, called her every second I could letting her know how much I truly
missed home, her more especially. Every second hour I was with Aphindiwe on the phone, needing her
more than anyone most times. I wasn't the type of guy who masturbated much, when I felt I needed a
release urgently there was always a woman waiting on my list. A woman I knew would give willingly but
ever since I dated Phindi I tried limiting those deeds. I knew from the moment I fell in love with her that
something about her was forcing me to change my thinking. It was however angering me because I felt
she was changing the type of a man I was. It was for the better so they said but I just couldn't sit back
and accept change like it was a normal thing that happened to anybody at any given day. I have been
this character since the age of 16, it wasn't easy to break free from it.

At the Christmas Eve celebration my mind was on nothing else but how much I needed someone to
share a bed with. No feelings, no pillow talk, I just needed someone I could fuck and get a pleasurable
release from. It was part of me being an asshole I admit but it was also a male thing in most us men
which caused multiple women not to understand us. There was nothing personal I had against stroking
myself but I preferred being inside a woman instead but with realization that I wanted no other woman
but Aphindiwe, my frustration grew even stronger.

I stared at the girl, waiting for her to finish socializing with her co-team members. She was a student of
mine, making whatever I was going to do with her even more complicated. I was just hoping she
understood the terms and conditions for both our sakes. She looked my way, half smiling when she saw
me tap my watch. She nodded freeing her hand from the loud lady who wouldn't shut up since the night
began. I headed for the door, hearing her heels click against the tiled floor as she followed suit, about a
couple of steps away from me. I got into the car and roared the engine to life, she climbed in a few
seconds later, her sweet fragrance filling the car

"Where we heading again?"

Me: Somewhere in Midrand.

She nodded, crossing her legs, her already short dress raising an inch further.

Me: Buckle up please.

She nodded again, following the instructions.

We drove in utter silence to the Protea Hotel in Midrand where I had booked a room, just for one night.
I waited for her to take a shower as I stood at the balcony, speaking to Aphindiwe. The guilt which kept
building in me the further we spoke was what was preventing my dick from getting hard. I don't know
how long I stood at that balcony weighing my options. After refilling and emptying the third glass of the
whiskey I was drinking I stepped back inside, spotting her sitting cross-legged on the bed in the white
gown.

I ended up on the couch, another filled glass in my hand with the girl under the sheets untouched. I
couldn't even bring myself to penetrate, let alone kiss her because a kiss is such a passionate element.
She sulked when I informed her we weren't doing anything anymore but I believed to her it was all
about just being in the same room as me.

I couldn't have been more thrilled when January hit the surface, when I had time to take my leave of
twenty days. Before traveling to Cape Town to see Aphindiwe, my son and attend to other business
matters I went home first, staying over for just a single week. It was enough for my mother and sister
because they understood in order for me to continue putting food on the table, I needed to be away
much longer.

I flew to the Cape on the 20th of January, landing an hour before the meeting I had with the team. There
was progress with closing the fields but it wasn't an easy process, it required more strategies and
patience we could ever think of. How we wanted to transform that into a legit club but run it through
without giving suspicions to any of the citizens, as well making sure those who were inside remained
silent. There was no other way to keep them silent but to show brutality otherwise if anybody was burn
at the end, it would be us.

I was impressed with how Bulelani's boys from KZN were running the plans, constructing the ideas and
making sure everything was played out smoothly. Forty percent of the work was done, with 15 women
out from the 72 we had inside. We still had a huge number to deal with, more angry ladies than the 15
we released. Standing, I gazed around the table, satisfied with the faces I was seeing

Me: It comes to my impression uba nicinga yikaka le way ndiyenzayo ngoba sitya le way silapha nje.

There were a number of nods from the gentlemen, I continued

"And nda verstaan, but times have changed, things are tough ngoku we need a quick game change.
Andikwazi uhlala ndithenga amagata to close my cases, somehow somehow likhona iroto elizophuma
pha and do the right thing. If we want stay outside danyane we need to act now. "

I received a few nods again while others were sitting on their chairs wearing confused faces, probably
wondering where the police fear was suddenly coming from. It wasn't there but I figured in order to
keep my sister and girlfriend out of danger I needed out of the game, otherwise I'd continue killing and
angering more people, putting my most loved ones in danger. Another fear I had which had nothing
related to the police was how I knew if any of these men I wronged found out I had a son, I'd be shit
weak from then because they would use him to bend me.

Me: Nkulie, how you handle the girls?

Nkululeko stood up, rubbing his hands together and blowing some air to them, a habit he did even when
he wasn't feeling cold

Nkululeko: Ku tough, kunzima. Lama cherry akwatile and aphambana worse xa sithetha ngoba they
should fucken close their mouths yabon' otherwise we pushing. Senza sure uba bayaziginya
iconsequences.

Me: No bloodshed right?

He shook his head before sitting down. I thanked everybody and dismissed them, getting walked to the
car by Nkululeko who wouldn't stop talking. He looked up at me finally noticing that my mind wasn't on
any of that, he placed his hand on my shoulder, giving me a permission nod and 'fuck you' as a way of
goodbye.

I left Belmar to Aphindiwe's residence after having cleaned the house I was still yet to sell. What I
needed to get done was to open up the windows, get rid of the dust and clean it spotless even though I
knew Phindi and I were definitely spending our nights at a B&B. I presumed she was still freaked out by
the place since we never really spoke of it much, she never even asked if I missed it.

Stopping next to the sidewalk that led to their gate I called her, informing her that I was outside. She
wasted no time coming, a sign that she missed me more than usual, often times she took her time
getting to me, more especially when she was angry. I watched her through the window until she made it
inside, looking and smelling good as ever. She threw her arms around me, burying her face on my neck
Me: Hey, hey uzondibulala.

Aphindiwe: From a hug?

She pulled back, smiling at me

Me: From a tight one ewe.

Aphindiwe: I missed you. Fike nini?

Before she settle back in her seat I tightened my grip around her and crushed my lips against hers. She
giggled, opening her mouth as I demanded further attention from her. I ran my hands over her neck, her
bra-free breasts, waist and ass, how much I missed her being transmitted to my shaft already. She
hissed when I squeezed her butt a little too hard, running my lips and tongue down her neck

"Where's your bra?"

Aphindiwe: Huh?

I pulled back, letting go of her completely. I pushed back my seat, making sure to get enough space for
her to sit on my lap

Me: Your bra?

She looked down at her boobs as if suddenly realizing that she wasn't wearing a bra

Aphindiwe: Oh I wasn't wearing one today

I raised my eyebrows, taken back by how casual she said that. Taking my expression she leaned further
on her seat, giving me a light kiss on the cheek

Aphindiwe: Sorry babe but this dress doesn't need a bra.

I scanned her breast area, my irritation rising at how prominent they were through that dress. She
walked around campus looking like that the whole fucken day.

Me: And your tights, you didn't wear those too.

Aphindiwe: I did, took them off xa ndifika endlini.

Me: Come here.

I patted my lap and watched her readying herself

Aphindiwe: Aren't you going to ask if I'm excited seeing you?

She raised her long silk dress mid-thigh then settled on top of me. Encircling my arms around her waist, I
pulled her close and she sucked in a breath when my erection contacted her lace panties.

Me: I can tell you're excited, uyabonakala.

Aphindiwe: Are you good though?

She leaned back carefully on steering wheel, her hands diving to the exposed part of my chest where I
left 3 buttons undone.
Me: I'm good baby, just missed you.

She undid the fourth button the smile on her face not vacating once since she climbed into this car. I
cupped her face and leaned in, claiming her lips once again. The energy between us was growing, with
every demanding and rough kiss I gave her she responded, giving me a soft moan every time I pressed
my hard on against her. My fingers trailed on her thighs, lifting the piece of material from her waist up,
removing it completely from her. I found her mouth again feeling myself getting thicker every second I
was that close to her. I ran my fingers between her thighs, feeling her warmth through her panties
already. Lifting her butt from my lap she allowed me to push the material aside and find her already
soaked entrance. Without any hesitation I pushed in my middle full length making her jerk up a little
further, rewarding me with a satisfying moan.

"Ah fuck."

She moaned against my ear when I thrust two fingers in her. I was aching from being turned on but I
knew I wasn't going to take her there, I needed a much bigger space for what I needed to do to her. That
was just for showing her how much I missed. Picking up my pace I found her lips again. Her right leg was
no longer around me but balancing on the passenger seat, a way of spreading herself for me to pleasure
her even better. Every time my fingers went in deeper she lifted herself, attempting to pull them out,
but that was the more I pushed in

"Fuuuck. Oh God, oh."

I stopped, studying her angle. Even though I tried holding her in place she was now kneeling with one
knee, her pierced belly almost in my face

Me: Lower yourself Nhanha, I want you here.

Her breathing was frantic, the part of her stomach underneath her breast area rising and falling with
every heavy breath she took. She lowered herself and sat on my lap, pulling her lips between her teeth
when I pushed my fingers further prior to pulling them out.

Me: Stop running away.

She nodded, pushing herself harder against my hard penis. She was just as hungry for me as I was for
her. Finding her clit I massaged it a little before going a bit faster. She was beginning to kneel again
when I grabbed her leg with my free hand and prevented her from moving. If she fought further she'd
catch a cramp.

Aphindiwe: Oh my. Fuck!

She grabbed my wrist trying to still my hand as she shifted back, the steering wheel stopping her further
escape. I studied her face, her eyes were shut, her bottom lip hard between her teeth and she was
practically still trying to collect herself from an orgasm she was about to have. I moved my hand back
but she pulled it away the very minute it touched her swollen clit

Aphindiwe: Baby ha.a

Me: Ndijonge.

She slowly opened her eyes and looked at me

Me: I need you to cooperate with me. No stopping me

Aphindiwe: But if I don't stop you then we'll mess this car. You've got no limits kaloku wena. I need to...

I pressed my lips over hers, sealing her mouth

Me: Cooperate.

She nodded, I continued

"No stopping me, limits or no limits. Stop moving this leg and trying to kneel on the seat edge with it,
keep still. I can't afford keeping my hand here ngoba I need to use it for other things. So cooperate
okay?

I didn't wait for her to reply. My hand found her throbbing clit the minute my mouth found hers. She
was rocking back and forth, trying to meet my rhythms against her clit. Her moans muffled against my
mouth as she tried to break free. I freed her clit and found her entrance again, two thick fingers found
their way into her and she screamed against my mouth, finally breaking free as I pushed them deeper.
Pushing them in and out, pressing them against her inner walls as I continued finger fucking her

"Oh fuck! Fuck fuck! Baby no!"

I continued a little harder causing her to repeat the same mistake I told her not to. She knelt on the seat
and withdrew her other leg from the passenger seat, trying to close her legs

Me: Fucken cooperate Aphindiwe.

She moaned louder, almost standing on the seat. I was forced to pull her back down with my other free
arm and try balancing her. Once she was at a better level but still not seated on my lap like I instructed
her to, my free hand found her ass crack, finding her anus instantly I pushed my middle finger deep in
her.

Aphindiwe: Ah!

Me: Sit.

She continued kneeling and instead of doing what was expected of her, she placed her forehead on my
shoulder and reached out for her behind. One hand on either butt cheek she spread her ass wide open
for me.

Fuck she didn't listen. And goddamn fuck she was killing me.

Simultaneously concentrating on both her holes I pushed my fingers deeper, causing her to give me a
sharp pleasurable moan, one that was followed by a silly giggle. She didn't know whether to give me her
pussy or her ass because she kept touching my hand which went to her front, if not, she was spreading
her butt open for me. Knowing which was best for both of us, I freed her anus, knowing if I continued I'd
probably tear her apart with my dick. I continued with her pussy, while my mouth was either on her
neck, boobs when she knelt and stomach when she raised herself further up. I stopped when the sound
of her wet pussy against my hand filled the car. My hand was white and sticky because I kept running it
back and forth over her wetness. I knew very well that if I didn't stop, the next thing she'd do is squirt.
Panting, she rested her head against my chest, still shaking.
Me: Fuck kunuka wena kule motor. Damn I missed you.

My hands were roaming on her back, at her sides, caressing her boobs then running over her ass,
multiple times before she finally caught her breath.

Aphindiwe: Uyandivimba? (You not giving me?)

Groaning I nodded, feeling my penis react to the touch of her hand. She placed her hand over it,
squeezing it through my pants, earning another groan from me.

She looked up at me and kissed my chin then neck, then chest before whispering

"I want it."

Me: Not ngoku. Xa sifika eB&B okay.

Aphindiwe: Why not aph...

I placed a finger over her mouth and she blushed, nodding as if understanding what I was going to say.
She reached out for her dress and slipped it on, the blush still lingering on her face. My eyes were on her
the whole time and my heart ached from knowing how much I loved her but was forcing myself not to. If
I became vulnerable she stood a greater chance of hurting me. She already did once. She looked up and
caught me staring at her

Aphindiwe: Hayi.

She smacked my shoulder prior to burying her face on my neck, smiling

Aphindiwe: You need to quit looking at me like that.

Me: Look at me.

I gently took hold of her neck and pulled her away from me, cupping her face I stared straight into her
eyes again. I thought I was going to address her but I couldn't get myself to speak and the things the
things I wanted to say to her were probably going to scare her anyway so I refrained and just stared at
her instead.

She laughed, pushing my hands away from her face

Aphindiwe: Hayi baby, you're making me shy.

Me: Xolo.

I pressed my lips against her forehead.

Me: Go fetch your clothes, we still have to search for B&B and check in.

Aphindiwe: Awuzondilanda late kanti? (Aren't you fetching me later?)

Me: Hayi, hamba kengoku, I'm waiting.

She climbed off me then off the car in a split second. I watched her bend over and fix her sandals before
running her hands over her hair. I watched her until she was out of sight, the pain in my chest increasing
awarely. I loved her more than I planned I would, more than I wanted to and beyond my capability. She
kept both me and my demon alive. The love I had for her fed on the man I was becoming, while my
jealousy for her was fulfilling to my demon. I knew very well if she ever cheated on me again I'd
probably kill her too.

I leaned back on the car seat, aware of every emotion I was feeling. I had been numb for a very long
time but she was making me feel again, something I hated because it made me vulnerable. I knew I liked
Lelovuyo but just not enough to love her this way, and I thought I loved Nomthandazo because I
tolerated her more than any woman but I realized none of those relationships consisted of love until I
started loving Aphindiwe. With Lelovuyo I was desperate for a sense of belonging and whenever she
ripped that away from me, I snapped. With Nomthandazo I was enjoying her obsession which flowered
my ego. With Aphindiwe I was dangerously in love and I felt it: not because of thrill, not because of sex
but because everything I needed she held out for me. A touch that would put my demons to sleep when
they were angry and willing to kill. A promise that wanted me to be better. An idea of what it was like
loving even though I hated the thought of it. A reason to fight and continue fighting for her, for us. She
was suddenly my reason and that endangered me, her and the people who tried standing in our way.

There was only one thing I needed to do if I needed to be a better person, and it wasn't talking to a
stranger like she and many people suggested because I'd probably lie anyway. What I needed was much
deeper, I had to confront my past, deal with my family and talk to my demons soon enough before I
killed again. But as I laid back on the seat, eyes closed I wondered where was I going to start I when I
wasn't given the chance to do so at the age of 16?

27th Entry

Aphindiwe's POV

I looked at Luthando and Kim who have been staring at me for the past minute making me freak out
about this whole situation. I have been sick for the past two weeks and I didn't know what the problem
could be until Kimberley pointed out pregnancy and insisted I buy a pregnancy test. I stood up and
paced the room, earning myself annoyed looks from both of them.

Kimberley: The suspense is going to kill you even more. Just do it.

I spun around and groaned.

Me: Kim you don't understand. I love my boyfriend...

Luthando: Of course you do.

Me: But I can't have a baby by the man. Guys I really can't.

I threw myself on my bed and stared at the ceiling. It was a lovely thing to anybody looking at the
relationship from the outside but definitely not for me.

Me: My father doesn't approve of him, my family still doesn't know I'm still with him. His mother doesn't
really like me. I might as well just be bringing a child into hell if I'm pregnant.
Kimberly: But he loves you as much as I hate saying this because I don't really like your boyfriend the guy
loves you.

I sat up. I didn't think they really understood my fear.

Me: Is love really enough?

Luthando shrugged her shoulders but Kim persisted.

Kimberly: It should be, look where it got yall.

I sighed and looked at the pregnancy test in my hands. I knew doing this meant no going back because
the man I was dating was fond of kids, if it was up to him he'd have a full house of them.

Kimberly: Just do it already. Waiting for tonight or tomorrow won't really help. If you're pregnant you're
pregnant.

Me: You're so bad at providing a shoulder to cry on.

Luthando: It shouldn't make you cry babes. One thing I'm sure of it'll be a bumpy 9 months yes but
Mihle always has got your back.

Me: Sometimes.

Kimberly: 99.9 percent of the time.

We sat in silence after I didn't answer. Yes I trusted my man more than anything when it came to
protecting me but what I didn't trust was myself. I wasn't as strong as he is; to put myself in a position
where I could lose my father, in a position where my father is the least proud of me. David was the only
thing I had and I didn't want to make him miserable.

Luthando: Just do it chommie.

Me: Yeah, I guess why not.

I dragged myself to the bathroom in a shaky state. My only problem was knowing there would be a war
if I so happened to be pregnant. Before even running the test I sat on the toilet seat over the minutes I
should've spent in there.

It was fifteen minutes long before my friends came badging in, inviting themselves. If I told you I was
shaking before then it was nothing compared to this. One of them took the test from me which I have
already seen.

Kimberly: Wow

She uttered at the lowest voice I've ever heard her use. Yes I was pregnant and no I wasn't happy about
it.

With them in the room I allowed myself to free the lump on my throat and cry. Luthando was the first to
embrace me, kneeling next to the toilet.

Luthando: Babes no man, you can't do this to yourself. You know Mihle will fight for you no matter
what.
Kimberly: Babe you can't be stressing over something you don't know.

I hiccuped and try wiping my tears.

Me: What do you mean something I don't know? Kim I already know that this pregnancy isn't
acceptable. Nobody's going to be happy about this except for Mihle.

Luthando: Then that should show you something. He won't forsaken you.

At that I wished for anything else but pregnancy. There was too much that was going to come with this
period of me carrying a child. I'd have to confess to my father and family that I never stopped seeing
Mihle. I'd have to tolerate Nomthandazo's hate all over again and try to understand it. My father's
disappointment is the worst. Being disturbed at school. I wiped the tears streaming freely down my face
without a sound coming from me. Like we did in the bedroom, we sat around in silence, Kim on the floor
holding the test I so resented, Loot kneeling next to me and I on the toilet seat.

After a couple of minutes of uncomfortable silence because I couldn't stop weighing my problems, Loot
finally asked.

Luthando: Are you going to call him?

I shook my head, gulping away another lump.

Me: Not today, maybe tomorrow. I need some sleep now.

They exchanged looks before nodding. Like I'm somebody sick, they helped me to the bedroom and
tucked me in bed. I asked Loot for a bottle of water from the fridge and took two sleeping pills, there
was no way I was going to be able to sleep on my own.

Waken from sleep by a terrible shake and a bright room I sat up and narrowed my eyes, trying to dim
the light stinging them. Luthando was hovering over me half naked. I rubbed my eyes and prepared
myself to turn over and sleep again but she grabbed hold of my shoulder.

Luthando: Get up baby girl.

I cleared my throat to remove the roughness from my voice.

Me: And where am I going?

Luthando: We going to eat out.

Me: Eat out?

Luthando: Ewe, get up now ke sisi and run to the shower real quick.

I looked at how unbothered she seemed to be waking me up from my peaceful sleep.

Me: I don't want to go out.

Luthando: Haike no, you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself oko and using that bed as a way to
escape. Get up please ungandibhori.

Me: How do you guys take a decision on my behalf?

Luthando: Because you were sleeping. Get up friend please.

Me: Where are we going?

Luthando: The Harringtons

Me: So you guys want to drag me to one of the best cocktail restaurants because I'm pregnant.

Luthando: Nope. This is your last chance to actually drink because after two months you're banned from
holding any beverage with a percentage.

Me: Mxm.

She blew a kiss as I showed her a middle finger. I knew they were trying to cheer me up but I couldn't
help but worry about the consequences of my actions.

After putting on my red silk dress and heels I rechecked myself on the mirror and couldn't help but
imagine myself with a bump already. It was merely five hours and I was already frustrated. Kimberly was
around already. We were all dressed in dresses and rocking heels. It was Kimberly's idea, she always
wanted us to match outfits then would end up complaining that jeans and dresses and all other stuff
looked way better on me than they did on her; she's a slender so it was expected.

As we entered the restaurant, being the first few amongst the people already here to get drunk on a
Thursday night, my phone rang indicating a call from Mihle. I nodded for my girls to go ahead as I
slacked back heading towards the exit.

Me: Fhaku.

Mihle: Nhanha.

Me: Hey.

Mihle: Uright? You sound busy?

Me: No baby, I'm just trying to close my handbag.

Mihle: What are you doing nge handbag at this time of the day? It's almost sleeping time.

Me: Oh we've gone out, sifika apha Harringtons ngoku.

Mihle: On Thursday?

Me: Just for supper love.

Mihle: And when we were you going to tell me?

I moved further away from the door, avoiding the noise made by the group of white guys that just
walked in.

Me: I was going to sms you immediately when we get here. Didn't think you'd be out of the workshop by
this time.

Mihle: Mmmmm.
Me: Haibo baby it's not your usual time kaloku. You're out by 8 everyday.

Mihle: I just need to know xa uphuma out baby so I can be alarted oko.

Me: Xolo.

Mihle: I miss you and I could keep you kule call for hours but let me not steal your time with your girls.

Me: There's something I need to tell you.

Mihle: Nini ngoku? (When now?)

Me: No maybe tomorrow.

Mihle: When we're together then. I'm flying in ngomso.

Me: Really?

Through all my worries I found myself smiling. Having him around always got me excited, spending time
with him never got old even after two years of knowing the man.

Mihle: Ewe baby.

Me: Okay.

Mihle: I love you and don't drink.

Me: Bye.

"I love you."

The tone he used made me stifle a laugh. He hated it when I ignored that.

Me: I love you too Nyawuza.

Ending the call I walk back inside. I'm smiling but that doesn't mean I feel any better about my situation.

We spend the night eating and with myself drinking less. I always became worried when Kimberly
consumed too much alcohol because I've always wondered if she would be able to drive us home even
when she has proven herself a million times already. She never really became too drunk not to drive.

The following morning I woke up to my phone ringing at something past 10. The previous night we
ended up spending more time in the restaurant than we thought we would, leaving the place just when
the staff was starting to prepare for closing up. I was still exhausted from sleeping late and yes,
pregnancy symptoms were getting the best of me. Pushing my hand under the pillow I pulled my phone
out and answered it without looking at the caller.

"Mntanam."

I opened my eyes instantly when I heard Mamomdala's voice. I had almost three weeks not calling
home.

Me: Mama.

Mamomdala: Hello Sisi. Unjani kodwa?

Me: Ndiyaphila mama ninjani Nina?

Mamomdala: We are good as well my child. Bhelekazi?

Me: Mamomdala.

Mamomdala: Sisi this coming week we are going home for your great uncle's birthday so bendizocela
ubekhona mntanam. We are leaving Friday after work. I'm telling you this early so you can prepare
yourself mntanam.

Me: Alright Mama.

We ended our call after bedding goodbyes. I was actually happy that I'd be seeing my father's home but
I was more worried about my situation that I almost declined the invite. I lay on my back and stared at
the ceiling, lost in my own thoughts until a known ring tone sounded from my phone bringing a smile to
my lips.

Me: Baby

Mihle: I'm at the Western Cape.

Me: Haibo so early.

I removed the device from my ear and looked at the time.

Me: It's not even noon yet, that was fast.

Mihle: Had some things I needed to take care off. Flew in at around 7.

Me: Oh okay. So you want to see me now?

I heard clattering from the other side of the line and I knew he just entered a much busier place.

Mihle: Not yet, running the last errand then I'll be all yours.

Me: Okay then.

Mihle: Ndiyakuthanda ke.

I giggled finding it cute every time he used that word.

"I love you too."

Nearly two hours later I was leaving my flat dressed in jeans, a t-shirt and converse heading outside to
the man I allowed in my life and ended up loving more than what I had anticipated. Like he couldn't wait
to see me he climbed out the car immediately when I made it outside the gate and stood next to
Bulelani's Wrangler waiting for me. Doing what I always do just to have him watch me, I stopped about a
person's space away from him. Hands in his leather jacket, he tilted his head and eyed me, licking his
bottom lip.

"Come here."

It never got old how he looked at when he missed me or when he was watching me from a distance
whilst I was unaware. I threw my arms around his neck, earning myself a lift and spin from him before
he placed me on the ground and found my lips. I was pushed against the car his body pinning me there
as he deepened the kiss. Not wanting to but forced by the situation of having the old man at the gate on
duty I broke the kiss and looked at him.

"Fuck I missed you."

I tiptoed and found his lips again, giving him a baby kiss before gently pushing him away from me. With
this man I knew anything could happen if I didn't prevent it.

Me: How are you?

I questioned playing with the collar of his t-shirt.

Mihle: Better now that I'm seeing you. Are you hungry?

I shook my head, I had just had a bowl of cereal.

Mihle: Masihambe siyothenga into yotya (Let's go buy something to eat)

Even after I said I wasn't hungry. We climbed into the vehicle and drove to Pahari African Restaurant for
some traditional plates.

"Where are your bags?" I asked once we were back in the car, seated and ready to go.

Mihle: At the hotel.

Me: And indlu (and the house) how far is it?

Mihle: Bendithetha with the lady izolo. It's about three weeks into finishing.

I turned on my seat and faced him, not caring if I was straining my shoulder with the safety belt.

Me: Is it coming fully furnished?

He shook his head, looking at me for a second before cutting his gaze to the road again.

"With built-in yes but not furnished. I was thinking of getting an invoice for that but thought you'd help
me with furnishing it."

Me: Mna?!

I asked almost defensively, causing him to chuckle.

Mihle: Ewe baby, wena Aphindiwe Dabula.

I giggled.

Me: You want to live in a worse styled home ask me to help you with that.

Mihle: It's fine, I wouldn't made staying in a house looking like Disney land as long as it was done by you.

I laughed when he mentioned the word Disney. He looked at me with furrowed eyebrows as if he didn't
get the joke.

Me: Sorry but what do you know about Disney land.

He shrugged his shoulders before answering, "That it's pink."

I laughed even louder. Him knowing about such things seemed quite strange. He was such a muscaline
somebody.

Me: I'm so sorry. I just didn't expect you to know so much about female things. Female children things.

Mihle: Baby I'm old, I've got plenty of nieces so I know these things.

Me: So you also know the Disney princesses.

He nodded

Mihle: I also know there's someone called Sofia the princess or some shit like that.

Every time he spoke about these things the funnier it got. I cracked even harder, holding my painful
stomach. He attempted to pinch me on the arm calling me silly. All the way through my smile didn't
falter, he was such a lovely soul to spend time with.

At the hotel I warmed up the food and we sat at the lounge area and feasted. He had a thing for suite
rooms, not a single day I recalled him spending time in a standard room. The only two times we ever
spent time in standard rooms was when we joined Andrew and them for the weekend outing and also
the previous year the day before his wedding.

Half way through the meal and watching boring soccer he turned to me, a piece of meat in his hand and
asked.

Mihle: What is it you wanted to tell me?

Swallowing I almost chocked on the dumpling. The conversation had been heavy on my mind since we
arrived in the room but I had hoped him seeing me would make him forget about it a little. Who was I
kidding really, this man forgot nothing.

Me: Yes about that, can we eat and finish first.

He arched a brow and gave me a questioning look. I cut my eyes from him and looked at the takeaway
on my lap, suddenly losing my appetite no matter how delicious the food was. He continued eating in
silence breaking his attention between his food and television. When he was done he closed his
takeaway and stood up, heading over to the small kitchen area. Opening the fridge he took out a bottle
of water, closed the object and walked over to the counter. My eyes were still glued on my plate but I
could make out his moves from side glancing at him.

"I guess we both done since you're no longer eating."

Without saying a word, I closed my takeaway and stood up. I don't know why I stood, probably nerves.
He now had his legs crossed, his hands shoved in his pockets and the bottle ontop of the counter as he
leaned on the furniture piece waiting for me to talk.

I gulped, fidgeting with my hands. The silence and his eyes boring into my skin were killing me.

Me: Something has happened.

I said looking at him.

Mihle: What?

Me: I don't know if I want to be part of this but I definitely know you'll want it.

Mihle: What Aphindiwe?

He asked, his tone indicating that he was running out of patience. If there was anyone I knew who hated
suspense it was this man.

Me: I'm pregnant.

I watched his face change from annoyed to blank to excited in a split second. He moved from the
counter slowly, wearing a beautiful smile. I was at the verge of crying because he was so happy and I
was about to burst his bubble.

Standing in front of me he dropped his hands to my hips and pulled me closer, placing a long kiss on my
forehead. I knew he was sensing my fear.

Mihle: It's going to be alright baby. You know that right?

He waited for me to respond and when I didn't he pulled back, leaving me cold from his absence. Again
his look changed from excitement to hope then to anger when realization hit him. From the look in his
eyes I could tell that day was about to end terribly.

Mihle: Awumfuni? (You don't want it do you?)

I gave him a short head shake before I heard him chuckle. A dangerous chuckle.

Mihle: You don't want it.

Me: Baby please understand.

Mihle: Understand what Aphindiwe huh?

I opened my mouth to speak but the look of disgust and anger he was giving me took me back to the
very way he felt about me during our Odwa saga. Six months along the line and he was giving me the
same look again.

I gulped eager to explain to him how I feel about everything but I couldn't shift the feeling of my chest
caving in, preventing me from breathing properly. The look he had on his face was just giving me
flashbacks of everything.

Mihle: There's only one way through it and that's abortion. You're going to abort my child?

I shook my head, not wanting him to use that term.

That vein on his forehead, his teary eyes, his fists clenched were a signal that I crossed the line. And I
knew it was going to be like that because I had been thinking about the story he told me of a girl who
terminated her pregnancy; a girl he almost killed.

Mihle: Then what are you going to do, vomit it?

I dropped my teary eyes and looked at his feet. My body tensed when I saw him move towards me, I
took a step back igniting more anger in him.

"Don't you dare back away from me."

I preferred him when he yelled, he sounded much better than when he addressed me like a calm
dangerous monster.

Me: I just need you to understand that my family...

Mihle: Fuck your family! We've been through your family a long time.

Me: They don't know we're still together. My father Mihle.

I finally freed my tears. The thought of my father destroyed me more than anything.

He watched me wipe my tears from my cheeks and fought not to let the others drop.

Mihle: You're not killing my child. If you do they'll be hell to pay.

And with that he collected his car keys and was out the door. I believed him. After he managed to shoot
and kill a human I cared about in front of me, I knew he was capable of making me pay for yet another
mistake if I made any.

28th Entry

Aphindiwe's POV

I shifted under the sheets, trying to suppress the urge to use the bathroom. My bladder was full and I
needed a release but was rather too lazy to step out of bed. Meanwhile I was still paying attention to
the irritation on my lower stomach I felt someone's presence in the room. I went to bed alone last night
because Mihle had stepped out and still hadn't returned even after past 11 when I couldn't stay up
anymore. Aware of him being in the room with me, I turned over and pulled the sheets from my head.
He was seated in the dark, on a chair which he dragged next to the bed, a bucket between his legs and
he held a glass in his hand. I tore my gaze from the glass to his face as I tried to adjust my eyes to the
darkness. Sitting up, I pressed the lamp on and came face-to-face with narrowed eyes. From the looks of
it he was still angry. I tore my gaze to the bucket of ice containing a bottle of whiskey before looking at
him again. Every time we faced a problem I felt like we were taking two steps back because instead of
talking and finding a solution fit for both of us, he always; stormed out, got drunk and returned acting
like he was okay with everything. What was sad about this problem was how he balled up everything
and took out with aggression whenever he felt it was enough. I loved him dearly but I seriously still
didn't understand his selfish ways of trying to better himself while he hurt and ruined those around him.

If there was one thing I knew he loathed it was opening up and showing his emotions but he had in our
relationship because we had enough on our plate already. I understood his character at this stage of our
relationship. He had little to almost no tolerance of bullshit and even when he acted calm I knew he was
far from it.

He took a sip with his eyes still holding my gaze.

"So umbulala nini umntana? (So when are you killing my child?)"

He asked, looking calm but his tone laced with venom. I was really exhausted, went to bed the previous
night in tears and was in no mood for his sour attitude in the awe hours of the morning.

Me: Where were you all night?

He cocked a brow as he chewed on his lower lip. There was silence for the longest of seconds with him
just staring at me before he cleared his throat.

Mihle: I asked you a question Aphindiwe.

Shaking my head, I removed myself from the bed and visited the bathroom. I knew walking out would
anger him more but I couldn't careless, if he wanted to bitch around I'd show him how it's done. When I
walked back into the room he was on his feet, slowly pacing the bedroom space. In the dim light I side
glanced him, hoping he doesn't lose his cool the way I thought he was. I sat on the bed and watched him
watching me, a blank expression covering his beautiful face.

Me: You're drunk. I don't know where you went last night. You took me from res where sure I was going
to have a good time and brought me here to walk out on me the whole fucken night, God knows doing
what with who then you want to wake me up and start asking questions like everything is okay. I don't
understand how selfish you can be sometimes.

He gulped down what was left in the glass before answering

"I'm not drunk."

Had it been a different situation I would have blessed him with a wonderful laugh. Out of such a speech
that was the only thing he found most important to respond to.

Me: Where were you?

I repeated my question. He moved from where he was standing to his chair next to the bed and sat
casually. I often didn't like it when he acted this way, calm during such situations because this was the
very same attitude I received the day he killed someone dear to me. Hours before he pulled the trigger,
he was just as collected.

Mihle: I was at the bar downstairs, ndisela.

I nodded, pulling the blanket over my legs. If it were my choice I would have went back to sleep but my
trust altered every time his anger was concern.

Mihle: You can do whatever you want but make sure you cut whatever bullshit ties you have with me.
Fucken play far away from me xa uzokwenza le kaka uzoyenza. Let me know prior and when it's done, I
think it'll be better that way than expecting your stomach to grow and it doesn't.

He grew silent, not blinking a second or tearing his gaze away from me. After a minute or so he
addressed me again.

"Just stay the fuck away from me when you're through with it."
He didn't have to finish his sentence, his tone informed me that there was a missing threat following his
reply. He stood up leaving his stuff next to the bed. He was just about out the door to the lounge areas
when I questioned.

Me: Uyaphi kengoku? (Where are you going?)

He stopped in his tracks but immediately continued walking without answering. I heard the main door of
the hotel room close before tucking myself under the white sheets, unable to rid myself of the lump
growing strong on my throat. I allowed myself to cry again in less than five hours, telling myself it was
going to be okay. I wanted to believe it would, that he'd make it right but I couldn't shift the fear I had in
me. The fear which made me think of that absurd decision. The very fear which told me I'd be selfish
bringing a child in a world similar to mine; a world where she wouldn't be loved by any of her family
members except for her own parents, a world where she'd grow up carrying the burden of her parents'
love.

I barely even slept when I woke at to 6 yet by myself. I knew Mihle could be stubborn and hard-headed
but his behavior shocked me all the time we came across such situations. Thinking of it at any normal
day I'd figure he was capable doing something like that but when he eventually did it I hurt like it
surprised me. Stupid heart for being naive. I spent what felt like hours in the shower before I heard the
main door being closed, not too gently. Figures, he was still upset. I closed the taps and listened
carefully, he was moving around the room throwing drawers and wardrobe doors opened. I presented
myself in a towel ready to go on about him leaving all night but stopped halfway in the room when I saw
him packing.

Me: Where are you going?

He turned with his eyebrows raised before he went back to what he was doing. I was about to ask again
louder this time around when he said matter-of-factly

"I'm flying to Pretoria."

Me: Today? It's only Saturday.

He remained silent, removing his hanged jacket from the wardrobe. There was an outfit laid out on the
bed already picked for his journey. Clunging unto the towel I stepped further into the room, concern
consuming me.

Me: Mihle.

Stopping he sighed, closing his eyes before running his hand down his face.

Mihle: Aphindiwe.

Me: Where are you?

Mihle: I told you I'm flying to Pretoria. Awuvha? (Can't you hear?)

Me: Ngoba? (Why?)

Mihle: Ngoba. Are you serious now?

I was totally lost. The plan was he was flying Monday morning since the students were having a private
training day all day Monday now I didn't understand what he up and leaving for. He wasn't the type to
just leave, I didn't know that as part of his character.

Me: You can't just go.

Mihle: And why not?

Me: What do you mean why not, Mihle I'm having your child.

Mihle: A child you're not planning to keep.

I opened my mouth to speak but he held his hand up.

"I'm being tested every fucken day by people I don't give a fuck about. People I don't even think a
bloody second to killing but this I won't tolerate. Being punished by the one woman I love. I'd probably
end up ndikubulala if you want me to stick around pretending to be okay yile kaka ufuna uyenza. So I'd
rather leave uyabona, give you the go ahead and move on with your life."

He stared at me, waiting for me to say something but I was too tongue-tied. He continued packing
before I could even master a single sentence.

Me: But I don't want you to leave.

Mihle: What do you want me to do Aphindiwe? Huh?

Me: Stay.

He chucked backing away from the bed and running both his hands down his face then looking up at the
white ceiling.

Me: I'm planning to keep the child.

Slowly, he lowered his head and looked at me, firstly like I was crazy. I thought it would excite him but
he looked even more pissed.

Mihle: You're what?

I nodded, feeling shaken by how angry he looked. I gulped urging myself to concentrate on the
importance.

Mihle: You're using my child to keep me in this relationship?

Me: No of course I'm not doing that.

Mihle: Then what are you doing?

I opened my mouth to talk but discovered it was going to crack. He chuckled and wouldn't stop shaking
his head.

Mihle: I will not stick around for this madness.

Me: But Fha...

Mihle: But what Aphindiwe?! What the fuck do you really want me to say huh?! Do you hear yourself?
Are you even going to love this child?

Me: Of course I'll love the child. This is my child too.

Mihle: A child you didn't want to keep hours ago.

Unable to fight them anymore I allowed my tears to fall from my eyes. This guy was going to be the
death of me. Half way through folding a trouser he stopped and stared at me long and hard.

Mihle: You're fucken killing me yazi.

I quickly dried my eyes and cheeks but that didn't help much.

Mihle: What do you want Aphindiwe?

I gulped, still trying to dry my eyes like a toodler who can't stop crying even after she's been promised
candy.

Me: I want you to stay.

Mihle: And?

Me: Jesus Mihle you are so difficult. I want us to work through this. I thought about it, I don't think I can
lose you nor live with the guilt of having aborted my child so I'm not going ahead with it.

Mihle: Our child, don't use that singular nonsense apha.

I smile made its way to my face when I saw the softness replacing the anger in his face. I was still shaking
from fear of him leaving as he stepped in front of me.

Mihle: I know for it's going to be stressful but you're by far the strongest woman I know and I wouldn't
ask for a better partner do this and everything with. We'll get through this as well Bhelekazi.

I watched him through a blur vision. I was going to cry again.

Me: Are you sure we are?

Mihle: We will. There's no doubt in that.

I threw my arms around his neck, tip toeing as I hugged him. He picked me up, keeping me within his
warm embrace where I was always sure everything would be fine no matter what. This was a man who
didn't coward away from any battle so I trusted we'd be fine.

He placed me on the ground and before I could back away his lips crashed on mine, cutting my breath
short. His tongue was on my neck, circling way to behind my ear.

Me: Baby hayi.

He chuckled against my skin, his hand finding my bare butt behind the towel.

Mihle: I want a taste of you.

I giggled, my hand brushing his already hard-on through his track pants. An animal groan left his throat
just before he snatched my wrist and moved my hand away from his front.

Mihle: Don't do that.

I giggled against his chest, laughing at how much he hated being handled when he wasn't submitting to.
He was even hard-headed when it came to intimacy - he never allowed himself to let gut down even
when I had inside my warm mouth.

Mihle: I want the taste of this on my lips.

He roared just as his hand met my womanhood. I was going to answer him but couldn't when his finger
slid between my lips and was pushed in me. A soft moan mixed with a giggle traveled through my lips.

Mihle: Fuck.

He pulled his finger out and without saying another word picked me up and walked me to the bed. I was
laid on the soft mattress with my eyes closed. I was about to open my eyes and kiss him but I felt his
weight leave me. Instantly when I opened my eyes I felt his breath on my inner thigh. I used to hate how
he did this - looking at my privates every time before diving in - but I was getting used to it because he
did it the whole time.

Mihle: I want you to tell me a story.

Me: A story?

I tried sitting up but he prevented me by holding my legs and dragging me back, almost burying himself
in me. His eyes were still on me as he softly ran a finger on me.

Mihle: Yes. Tell me how you found out you were pregnant.

I relaxed back on the sheets and laughed.

Me: Are you serious?

Mihle: Yes I'm serious Mambhele and every time you stop talking I'll stop what I'm doing.

I nodded unable to form a word when his wet tongue teased my opening. He brought it to the clit and
flickered before pulling back.

"I'm waiting."

Me: Oh. Well I thought it was flu at first because my body felt...

I arched my back when sucked on the clit, stopping with the story instantly. He stopped.

Me: My body felt weird, painful and all my joints were weak. But it went on... Oh fuck.

Mihle: Went on?

Me: Mhhuh. For like, like... A week or so.

I was trying to balance my thinking between what I was feeling and what happened about a month ago.
He stopped and removed my hand from his head.
Mihle: The story Nana.

Me: Where was I?

Mihle: I don't know.

He buried himself between my thighs again, licking, sucking, literally fucking me with his tongue. He
stopped when I pressed his face against me.

Me: I decided to go to the doctor and fuck... Oh my, right there baby.

He stopped again, just when I felt my clit tremble.

Me: Luthando suggested we go see a doctor then I wasn't willing.

I lost thought when I felt a finger pressed on my other hole. He always brought me to climax over and
over again when he had his finger in me and his tongue toying on me. I waited for him to insert but he
just kept it there and I realized I wasn't talking.

"So day after I decided to go with her... Fuck, that is so good."

I knew it was his thumb he had in me when I felt his other fingers trace my butt from underneath.
Midway through pushing it he stopped again.

Me: Please don't stop.

Mihle: Then continue talking.

I started talking rushing through everything but stopped again when he went back to work, not stopping
even when I wasn't talking. I rocked against him, feeling my body go numb. Before I could even collect
myself he was on top of me, pushing himself inside of me, planting a second seed in me if that was even
possible.

After two long rounds of gentle and rough rounds, my muscles aching and my back feeling broken from
how he pushed me further arching my back like I'm supposed to be that flexible, he was laying next to
me his eyes closed. He wasn't asleep, neither was I, we were just feeling comfortable with the silence. I
shifted and propped on my elbow, watching him. There was no denying it, I loved him.

Mihle: What are you thinking about?

He asked opening his eyes. He moved and found space between my legs, hovering over him.

Me: Nothing.

He kissed my neck, my chest, on top of my breast. He placed a kiss on my lips before moving leaving me
feeling cold. I heard water run in the shower before he emerged from the bathroom.

Mihle: Let's take a shower before we discuss what you want to do for the day.

I sat up and looked at him.

"About being in bed all day?"

He smiled shifting on his feet as he approached the bed.

Mihle: If we stay in bed all day then I'm bound to give another child.

Me: I don't mind.

I giggled.

Mihle: Is that so Mambhele?

He kneeled before me and pressed a kiss on my lips before moving away and standing. He reached out
for me and picked me up bridal, walking me to the bathroom.

We took a long shower, the hot water almost running out. We spent the whole day in the hotel room,
cuddling, coming up with baby names. He wanted yet another son but for my sake I was hoping for a
daughter, there's no way I would have been able to dress a boy.

He looked up from his laptop after asking me what it was I wanted us to do. The look on his face told me
I'd have to convince him to achieve what I wanted.

Mihle: You don't mean the cinema. The big screen cinema.

Me: Haibo baby I mean yona.

Mihle: Hayi Aphindiwe, Hayi.

I controlled myself from smiling as he lowered the top part of his laptop, almost closing it.

Mihle: You want me at this age to go watch a movie at the cinema.

Me: There's nothing wrong and stop acting like you're that old.

Mihle: I'm 31 years Nana, how old can someone be?

Me: Still not that old that you wouldn't want to go to the cinema.

Mihle: And watch movies with abantwana base Bloemhof high?

I laughed, covering my mouth so the piece of chocolate I was nibbling on doesn't fall out.

Me: You're their type nje.

He knitted his eyebrows not smiling a bit as I cracked some more. Instead of laughing with me he shook
his head and went back to concentrating on whatever he was busy with on his laptop.

Me: Ndizoqumba ke mna.

"Because?"

He questioned without looking up.

Me: Because you said we can do whatever I want whenever I want it ngoku ndithi let's go to the cinema
and you don't want.

He looked up again, finally discarding his laptop on the table next to him.

Mihle: You seriously want us to go to the cinema?

I shrugged my shoulders, "Why not?"

Mihle: And watch what?

Me: A movie kaloku baby.

He disappeared into the lounge space and I heard the fridge open. Seconds later he was standing by the
bedroom door, leaning against the doorframe watching me.

Mihle: What type of movie?

He asked after taking a sip from bottle of water.

Me: Any type, maybe a chick flick.

Mihle: Hayi, if you can't choose anything appropriate we are definitely not going apho.

I kicked my feet under the sheets, pouting trying to act mad. He walked over and sat next to me.

Mihle: There's three genres which are acceptable.

He lifted his hand and started counting. "One, action. Two, comedy and action, three, true stories."

I didn't like any of the genres he was listing. I was a romance fan, chick flick and maybe of fantasy. I took
my phone.

Mihle: What are you doing?

Me: Searching the movies which are playing this month.

There were a lot of action movies showing, in fact I was even reluctant on going.

Me: Let's watch Fifty shades...

Mihle: Not a chance. Ufuna ndibukele enye indoda isenza amanyala? (You want to me watch another
man have sex?)

I stifled a few giggles.

Me: Do you want horror?

He shook his head checking something on his phone.

Me: Then let's watch horror. We both don't want it but it'll be a fun challenge.

He looked up from his phone and cocked a brow. I was waiting for him to protest but instead he smiled

Mihle: No screaming from your side?

Me: No of course I won't scream.

He nodded, locking his phone as he placed it on the lamp stand. He was smiling sheepishly
Mihle: We've got ourselves a movie date then Bhelekazi. In fact since the cinemas are less packed during
this hour we're sitting two seats away from each other. Whoever loses with screaming massages the
other when we back.

I crossed my arms over my chest, he was being unfair.

Me: Haike you're being unfair. You know when I massage you, you want me to touch you until you fall
asleep.

Mihle: Dress up my lady, we got a date.

And an hour later we had a movie date and I lost after screaming at a lady to hide whilst watching
Winchester. He defended himself saying he didn't specify what kind of screaming so just like I had the
responsibility of massaging my boyfriend whom like always, wouldn't stop telling me when I was
touching him too rough.

29th Entry

Aphindiwe's POV

It was two week since Mihle left for Pretoria and everything was pretty much back to the usual. I was
back at the flat with Loot. We both were seeing less of Kim since the year started. She was trying to
accumulate all requirements for the registration of her graduation in May. I could hardly believe this was
the beginning of my third level in Stellenbosch. I was just a level to finishing of the degree I dreaded to
start. Luthando was missing her graduation because of two modules she failed the previous, not able to
obtain a DP for them. She was repeating those.

"I've never seen you with so much appetite."

She said as she walked into the kitchen. I took a spoon of cold All Bran

Me: I swear I'll become a pig before I'm even three months into this pregnancy.

She laughed, shaking her head.

Luthando: You won't be bad, you'll see.

Me: I will.

Luthando: At least you're curved.

Me: Well that meat becomes worse when I gain weight, especially my ass.

Luthando: Just stop complaining and embrace the feeling of having a human grow inside of you. Do you
want a cup of coffee?

I rolled my eyes at her first comment. At this stage it was still scary to me and I couldn't rid myself the
fear of the consequences of our actions.

Me: I'm okay with this cereal. I'll have a bottle of water.
Luthando: Kimberly said she'll be coming through today.

She said pouring a second spoon of powder milk in a coffee mug.

Me: It was about time. We have almost a whole two weeks without seeing her.

Luthando: She wants us to drive to some boutique for dress fitting.

Knowing Kim, I knew this was just the beginning of months of fitting. She wasn't going to settle for
anything until the last day.

I watched Loot take a sip of her coffee.

Me: When last did you see Tyson?

Luthando: The weekend you were with Mihle, I went over to his place too.

I nodded.

Luthando: I think he misses Odwa.

I choked on the cereal. We spent months not talking about him, avoiding conversations about him. I
think we were all running away from grieve because of the unanswered questions we had about his
death. His friends wanted justice but seemed to be coming to dead ends every time they tried to find
answers. On my side, the reason I avoided talking about him was guilt. Guilt of knowing exactly the last
piece of the puzzle everyone was in search for. The very information they were desparate for.

Luthando: Are you okay?

I placed the half eaten bowl of cereal on the couch next to me and buried my head in the palms of my
hand.

Me: I'm fine.

She was standing next to me, holding out a Tupperware bottle of water for me. I took it and gulped
quarter of the liquid, soothing the raspy feeling on my throat.

Luthando: Sorry I shouldn't have. I forgot you hardly had a chance to get through it since you two were...

I put my hand up. "It's okay."

It was not okay. I couldn't stand talking about him, acting like innocent when in actual fact I chose my
love life over the truth. But I couldn't prevent any of them from remembering their friend.

Luthando: No man, it's okay. I really shouldn't have.

There was silence after that. I don't know what was going through her mind but through mine, was what
I had everytime I thought of him - how different things would have been if I told them who did. I was
eager to know if Mihle would have haunted my dreams if he was prisoned the same way Odwa
sometimes did as a dead man. I spent months waking up in my sleep when I was sleeping alone, trying
to converse with his spirit, begging for forgiveness and making him understand why I chose not to say
anything. It was pointless - the guilt became immense.
Luthando cleared her throat as she walked back to the kitchen space.

Luthando: We should bath before Kim comes and starts war for finding us half done.

Me: Yeah.

She retreated to the bedroom, leaving me alone in the small lounge. The walls seemed to be closing in
as I tried to block the episodes of that evening. The sound of the gunshot, the bloody, his open eyes and
how lifeless he lay on that couch - I didn't want to see any of them. I shut my eyes tight and pressed my
hands on my ears, attempting to shut out the gunshot. The gunshot. I was trying hard not to repeat the
scene I did at my home, in Asanda's presence. Maybe it was the sitting that made me feel like I wasn't
breathing enough so I stood up, holding onto the armrest of couch as I felt dizzy, almost falling over.
There was a knock at the door and then a second one but I couldn't seem to walk unbalanced, I was
going to fall.

"There's a knock at the door, can't you... Are you okay baby?"

Luthando asked, rushing to hold me by my side and force me back down on the couch.

Luthando: What's wrong?

I shook my head with my eyes still shut. I could feel the tears prick at my eyes, threatening to leave the
second I opened my eyelids. I heard the click of the door before hearing Kim's sharp voice.

"Babies, are you guys ready?"

Luthando: Phindi's not feeling well.

I could hear them but they sounded far, the only sound potent was that of the gunshot. Someone shook
me, forcing me to open my eyes.

Kimberly: What's wrong? Loot bring some water she looks like she just saw a ghost. Are you okay?

I wanted to nod but steadying my breathing seemed more important. Kimberly cupped my face and
looked me straight in the eyes. Before totally snapping out of it I saw her lips move but couldn't quite
make out what she was saying. After a second I gasped, shaking.

Kimberly: Yes, breath babe breathe. Luthando water!

Luthando rushed with a glass and handed it to me. With a shaky hand I held it tight afraid I'd let it drop.
Sweet water, the best cure of a minor panic attack. There was silence, for a while, before Luthando
sighed and kneeles next to sofa.

Luthando: What happened, I thought you were okay when I left?

Me: I'm fine. I just got dizzy. I don't know what's wrong.

Kimberly: Do you think it's your pregnancy? Maybe we should go to the doctor, I can postpone my
appointment.

I shook my head.

Me: I'm fine.

Kimberly: No you're not. You just...

Me: Kim! I'm fine, seriously.

They shared a look before staring back at me. She nodded but unfortunately wasn't done talking.

Kimberly: Maybe we should stay indoors then.

Me: No. We can go.

Luthando: Are you sure?

I nodded, standing up but still balancing my weight on the armrest because I wasn't sure my legs could
carry. When I felt enough strength on them I stood upright and stared at the young women before me
who still looked worried as fuck.

Me: Guys I'm fine for real.

Luthando: Well you scared me.

Me: Uxolo.

Kimberly: If this has anything to do with your pregnancy then we should check on it.

Me: It doesn't.

Kimberly: You can't be too sure.

Me: I am, it doesn't.

Kimberly: I promise you once you have complications, God forbid it, I'll have known none of this to your
arrogant boyfriend.

Me: Just stop saying he's arrogant.

She grinned and I was happy the old Kim was back.

Kimberly: Well he is. Hot but fucken arrogant and I no longer have a crush on him so that means I don't
like him.

Me: Just shut up Kim. Loot masiyohlamba baby.

I was still shaking, my voice was cracky too but I knew I had to get my act together. I couldn't stand
being questioned knowing very well I was going to lie.

Two hours later we were driving to Cape Town for a long day of fittings. The date of graduation was not
yet issued for any of the students who were graduating that year but Kimberly was too excited to
contain herself. She wanted to go out and start fitting every chance she got. Having left the house at
past 11 in the morning, we returned after five, exhausted and cheeky.

Luthando: I'm not doing this again mna Kim.

Kimberly: Haibo don't be a party pooper. It was fun.

I shook my head, kicking off my sandals which felt worn off from standing for too long.
Me: That was too much. I love clothes...

Kimberly: Yes you love clothes.

Me: But you can't spend the whole day shopping, it's too much.

Kimberly: Argh you guys are boring.

Luthando: I've got a headache, I'm hungry and I'm thirsty.

Kimberly: Thirsty so am I.

She spun dramatically and made her way to the plastic bags on top of the counter. I expected her to
start preparing the pizza bit she dug into the bags and fished out a bottle of champagne.

Kimberly: You want a glass?

She asked, looking at me as she unscrewed the cork.

Me: I'm not sure. I just need to eat first.

Luthando: You shouldn't be taking a single drink with a percentage.

Me: A glass won't kill. I need it after today's long, draining shopping.

Kim threw the cork my way, snorting and rolling her eyes at me. I dragged myself from the sofa and
went over to the counter for the pizza box. Kimberly threw herself next to me on the couch and handed
the other glass she was holding to Luthando.

Me: Next week I'm starting with my classes so this whole accompanying you business will be over and
done with.

Kim shrugged.

"There are weekends."

Luthando: I am not spending my weekends doing that nonsense again. I've got a boyfriend and a life
during weekends.

Kimberly: I don't care chommie, all I know is you will come with me.

Me: You seriously need to get yourself a boyfriend friend.

She shot a look my way, flaring her nostrils as she glared at me.

Kimberly: I've got my sugar daddy.

Me: Whom you don't approve of sometimes.

Kimberly: I don't need a boyfriend.

Loot snorted earning herself a glare as well. I was about to make another comment, more of a reminder
when my phone rang. I grimaced seeing my aunt's name on the screen.

Me: I've got to take this.

I excused myself, heading to the bedroom.

"Mamomdala." I answered just after closing the door.

Mamomdala: Molweni mntanam, unjani sisi?

Me: I'm good mama ninjani nina?

Mamomdala: Siright ntombi. Zinjani into zeskolo? (How are school things going?)

Me: All is great. I managed to do everything, I'm just starting with my classes next week.

Mamomdala: Okay sisi. Mabhabha I was calling ukuxelela uba kukho la celebration mntanam yam
noTamkhulu wakho, ye anniversary. Khumbula kaloku akhange siyenze last year. (My love I was calling
to tell you there's the anniversary celebration for your uncle and I. Remember we didn't do it last year.)

Me: Ewe Mama ndiy'khumbula (Yes I remember Ma.)

Mamomdala: So ndikuxelela ngoku because ndiyanazi kaloku nina ngofuna ixesha for izinto zenu. It's in
three weeks time ke baby. Ngala weekend ye month end. (I'm telling you now because I know you guys
with wanting time for your things. It's in three weeks time baby. That last weekend of the month.)

I laughed at her so true comment.

Me: Ewe Mama. I'll make sure I'm there.

Mamomdala: Okay ke mntanam. Your uncle greets.

Me: Greet him back for me. Greet Sivu as well.

Mamomdala: Okay ke sisi, bye bye.

I remained still against the door, thinking about the event which carried anxiety for me. I was happy
when it wasn't celebrated the previous year because what was the very first celebration attendance for
me turned into a horror. I knew it was all my fault but then again, I almost lost my life. I was still dwelling
in my thoughts when there was a knock at the door.

"Babe are you okay?"

I opened the door and came face to face with Loot. She was holding a slice of pizza and a glass of
champagne on the other hand.

Me: I just got off the call.

I held her wrist and brought the slice to my mouth, taking a bite. We walked back to the lounge where
Kim was eating, typing away on her phone.

We spent the rest of the evening chatting, gossiping and stalking men on Facebook and Instagram. I had
a very handsome boyfriend but once in a while I did feed my eyes. It was around to ten when I was
finally in bed after taking a shower. I sent a text to Mihle and waited for him to call since he was online
on whatsapp. It was almost ten minutes passed when he called.

"Bhelekazi."
Me: That took a while. Who are you talking to ku Whatsapp?

He chuckled as I heard shifting on his side of the line.

Mihle: Molo Mambhele.

Me: Hello Fhaku.

Mihle: Unjani baby?

Me: I'm good wena unjani?

Mihle: I miss you.

Me: I miss you too baby. You didn't answer my question.

He chuckled again. A sign that whatever he was going to say I wasn't going to like. That's how he
avoided questions he knew might be a problem.

Mihle: What was your question again?

Me: Nyani? (Really?)

Mihle: Ewe baby nyani.

Me: Nevermind. I wanted to say goodnight.

"I love you."

Exasperated and hurt I ended the call. The was only one thought that crossed a woman's mind when her
man was hiding something; another woman. I wasn't naive enough not to know he was definitely talking
to other women. When my phone rang again I fought the urge to reject or ignore the call. I pressed the
device against my ear and waited for him to talk.

"I'm talking to Nomthandazo."

Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse. I was tongue-tied, couldn't manage a single word.
He had to be fucken kidding me.

Mihle: We just recently started talking.

I could feel the seconds pass as I tried keeping my cool.

Me: Why?

Mihle: For the sake of Sim, I have to find a way to see my son.

Me: Didn't you tell me you were going to talk to the elders about this and let them sort it out for you
guys.

Mihle: I did...

Me: But?

Mihle: You're interrupting me Aphindiwe.

Me: I've got every right to.

I was rising my voice because I was upset. He chuckled and it wasn't the genuine sound I liked.

Mihle: I'm talking to her because I want to find a way to see my son.

Me: And she's the way?

Mihle: She's the mother of my child so yes she is the way.

I was no longer laying, neither was I sitting, I was pacing the room. And I was thankful Loot was outside
to see and not in the room with me to witness the verge of my breakdown.

Me: So you were lying to me when you said you'd get the elders to handle this. It was just a way to get
me off your back, from asking questions?

Mihle: You're putting words in my mouth. I am still going to talk to the elders.

Me: Why speak to her first? It wasn't necessary was it?

Mihle: She's Simlindile's mother Aphindiwe. Who else was I supposed to talk to first?

I thought long and hard. I could hear him breath on the other side as he waited for me to answer him.
There were so many things I wanted to say to him, so many ways to make him see this the way I was
seeing it. He was allowing her back into our lives just at the beginning of my pregnancy. There was
absolutely no reason for that.

Me: You shouldn't have called to explain all this ngoba you're not making any sense.

That wasn't what I planned to say but I was too angry to mind my words.

Mihle: I shouldn't neh?

Me: Ewe.

Mihle: Sure.

I was about to speak again when the beep sound alerted my ear that the call was over. I stopped pacing
and stared at my phone, aware of what was to follow after this. I knew the series of events. I knew we
went going to talk, not until he came. I knew he was going to grow upset every passing day because of
how disrespectful I sounded by saying he was speaking nonsense. But all these were the least of my
worries. What worried me most was how I knew he'd be talking to Nomthandazo, trying to win her over,
while he was mad at me. I had a strong hunchback that he'd find certainly find consolidation in her.