How to deal with

tantrums.

Tantrums are typical among

children under the age of three,
however there is a possibility that
they occur in older children as a
way to get what they want.
Children will often throw a
tantrum because they are very
tired, irritable, hungry, sick, or
emotionally overwhelmed. As the
child grows, tantrums may also be
a way to test limits or simply to
generate a reaction in the adult.
Kids seem to pick the worst
times to throw a tantrum. It may
be that you are driving the car,
eating in a restaurant, buying
the supermarket or at a friend's
house. The natural tendency as
parents is to want to do
something right away, for the
tantrum to stop because we feel
embarrassed and stressed.
Instead of reacting that way, we
should remember that the
tantrum means something, and
that the only thing that works is
getting to the bottom of the
cause and addressing our child's
needs. (I don't know about being
permissive), it's about setting
limits and containing at the right
time.
Types of tantrums

There is a big difference between

a tantrum in a child who has some
need, be it physical or emotional,
for example; is tired, hungry or
sick, and that tantrum thrown by
a child who is angry, frustrated
and testing limits. The first
requires determining the cause,
remaining calm and satisfying the
minor's need; help the child with
food, rest and comfort.
While the second type of tantrum
is like any power struggle. This is
your child's attempt to exert some
control in some situation in which
he feels powerless. Through the
tantrum, the child is trying to
communicate something to us.
You have to stay calm, not get
hooked and try to decipher the
message. Sometimes as parents
we don't listen to our children,
and the tantrum can be their way
of asking us to stop and listen to
what they have to say.
How to deal with tantrums?

Some kids have a hard time with

transitions or sudden changes,
and that can lead to a tantrum.
For example, if you are at the
park, let your child know in
advance that you will have to
leave soon. “We are going to leave
the park in 10 minutes. Would
you like to get back on the slide?”
If your child is testing the limits,
stay calm and avoid getting
caught up in their arguments. Talk
to him in a soft voice and tell him
that you understand that he is
angry but that the rule will not be
broken. "I understand that you
want to stay in the park, but we
have to go home for dinner."
Another common situation for
children to have tantrums is when
they stubbornly want something,
for example; If you are in the
supermarket and you already
have your activities planned (and
within them you do not find
buying a toy) you must be
consistent with that, despite "the
worst tantrums" in the toy area,
you must not give in, since
remember , this type of tantrum is
about a power struggle.
Some tips to avoid them:

Explain what is planned for the

day and keep it in order.

Explain the limits. If, for example,

he tends to throw tantrums in the
store because he wants a toy,
make it clear to him before you
get to the store that you are not
going to buy it.
avoid the blows. This is the
safest way to teach him not to be
violent with others.

Don't try to physically

containa child in the middle of a
tantrum, that is, do not hug him,
do not carry him and do not hold
him unless it endangers his
safety.
Do not resort to rewards or
punishments. When a child is
being irrational, these resources
don't work and can aggravate the
situation.
don't argue. You can't get to
something when the other person
is blocked.

don't be ashamedyour child or

ridicule their behavior.

Don't try to deal with a tantrum

in public.. Take your child to a
place where you can be alone and
talk privately.
Calms and boosts confidenceof
your son who at that moment is
affected by an emotional crisis.
(emotional restraint)
Finally, empathize and listen
without scolding, but at all times
being firm with respect to the
agreed rule (there is no toy, or
they have to leave the park).
The magic question!

Once your child is calm, physically

get down to their level and ask
calmly;
"Is this a small problem, a
medium problem, or a big
problem?"

Imagine that your child wants to

eat a cookie and you say 'No'. His
first reaction will be anger. He
wants the cookie. Why can't you
give it to him? And even if you
insist on giving him a reason
('because you're having dinner
soon'), he still won't understand
why he can't eat the cookie and
then have dinner. So his anger
will increase, he will insist on it,
and before the repeated denials,
he will start crying.
At that point, you use the magic
question technique: Let's see, is it
a small problem, a medium
problem or a big problem?
Since children tend to 'quantify'
everything, it will seem like a
meaningful question to them.
Surely he will tell you that it is a
big problem (for him it is). At that
point you can offer a comparison:
So if your favorite doll is lost
forever is it less of a problem? The
most normal thing is that it seems
to him that losing his favorite doll
is a major problem, so he will say
no. And you explain to him that
maybe his problem is small
('biscuit'). At that moment your
child (already calmer) will feel
understood.
And the solution?You should
offer him an alternative or ask
him to think of one himself: If you
play for a while, time will pass
very quickly and you will have
dinner right away. What do you
think you can do?
The child, thanks to this question,
will understand that small
problems are easy to solve,
medium problems need more
effort and serious problems are
more difficult to solve.
Obviously, this magic question
does not work in all cases or with
all children, but the proportion of
its effectiveness is very high. You
know why? Because it offers
children:
Empathy: your son will
understand that you are
interested in his problems. It's
more; you're acknowledging that
it's a problem and helping him
figure out how to fix it.
Find a solution: If after asking
the question, you help your child
find a solution or alternatively,
you will be taking a giant step to
solve the problem and end the
tantrum or anger.
self sufficiency: little by little,
with this system, you will be
equipping your child with a
fantastic problem-solving system,
a very useful tool that will help
him to have more skills to adapt
to changes.

"Most kids listen to what you

say, some even do what you say,
but all kids do what you do."
Henry Montforte. Degree in
psychology and Master in child clinical
psychopedagogy. Certified by the
"Children's Hospital of Mexico City
Federico Gó mez" in advanced
diagnostic evaluation of child develop