45% and she’s too scared to go it alone, while yours is 89% and you’re hanging on for dear

life. Again -- there are other reasons why she’s overeating.

be her coach
Jeanna can’t help herself, dude. But you’re going to handle this situation by being supportive
and keeping your mouth shut. And when you guys go out, you’re going to the gym. Whatever
you two do together, it’s going to have the theme of getting and staying in shape (and
shedding pounds). Whatever you do, you two are going to keep moving. Every time you see
Jeanna, you’ll head to the gym or go running or bicycling together.

Find out what Gene shouldn’t do…

You don’t do anything else with this lady. You don’t go sit in a movie theater and polish off a
bucket of buttered popcorn with a side of nachos. You don’t go out and eat barbecued ribs.
Gene, you’re going to be your girlfriend’s coach. And if she wants to drop you because of that
or she decides not to see you, then fine -- man up to it. But that’s what you’re going to do.
You’re going to coach this woman to get on the right track as long as she hangs around.

To you Psych majors, nagging doesn’t work. It doesn’t work when women do it to men, and
vice versa. (Guys, you’ll never see this analysis in a self-help manual or a ladies’ magazine!)
So don’t even be tempted to pick at her, man. Keep your trap closed -- no criticisms or snide
remarks or “subtle” suggestions. Keep it light and keep it funny. Your actions are going to
speak for you. Every time you see Jeanna, this is how you’re going to behave.

she’s still not that interested

Guy, you may have years in with this woman, but she still doesn’t want to marry you. I have
to keep coming back to that harsh truth. Like the Reality Factor says, when she turns down
your repeated offers to marry, it’s obvious that her Interest Level is a lot lower than yours.
You want to get married, so your Interest Level is 89%. (Or maybe it’s even in the 90s,
where it shouldn’t be.) But hers is only what -- 65%? 75%? Can you live with a woman who
has 75% Interest Level? Now 75% Interest Level is decent, but it’s not in the 90s, where it
should be. It doesn’t have that magic intensity.

Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Her Interest Level is the real problem here, dude --
not her figure.”

But you’re not going to bring it up. Instead, you’re going to be her personal trainer.

Remember, guys: If she eats too much, you have to take her to the gym or never see her

again.
Is She Available?

Hey Doc,

First off, I’ve told friends about "The System," and it helped them improve their Confidence
by showing them the way. But I can’t seem to follow my own advice or yours in my present
situation. I hope you can coach me. I’ve known Katrina for four years. I met her through a
mutual friend. She was in a long-term relationship at the time and we only hung out every
few months with this common friend. But there was something in her looks, eyes and
personality that always intrigued me.

Fast-forward to the present: I’m living several hours away from Katrina and I chat online with
her once a week. Strangely, this has probably been the best way we’ve “advanced” our
relationship, as we never really warmed up to one another in person.

she gives mixed signals

Recently, our mutual friend got married and I invited Katrina to be my guest, since the
wedding was near her city and it presented the chance to see if there might be more to this
friendship. But here’s the tricky part: For about eight months or so, she’s been hanging out
with a guy -- it’s never really been clear whether she’s dating him or using him for his
car/apartment/money. She barely mentions him when we chat online and is rather sketchy
when discussing relationships. Finally, I realized that she moved to a new apartment with this
guy -- who also happens to be her long-term ex.

We had a great time at the wedding; my friends drooled over her, we both looked elegant and
acted like a couple at times. During the drive, however, she never touched me. At the
reception, she did hold my hand, led me to the dance floor and held my arm as we walked.
While dancing, she gave me “those eyes,” even though it took several dances before she
stopped acting nervous about it.

he didn't kiss her

I never closed the deal. I didn’t kiss Katrina because I don’t know if Katrina is truly available
or whether she’s taken by her “ex.” Honestly, I don’t know if he’s her driver, her date to
parties or if she’s serious about him. Like I said, Katrina intrigues me tremendously and it’s
always seemed like we’ve had some unspoken connection. I’ve been trying to compare her
good points with the red flags and I can’t decide if she’s worth my time.

Was playing the gentleman and not kissing her the right thing to do? Or should I go for it by
asking her out, as I’m moving to her city in a few weeks?

Walt - who feels paralyzed by indecision

doc love's answer
Hi Walt,

Thank you very much for spreading the word about my book. The reason you’re confused
right now is because you’re still studying my principles and you don’t have them down pat
yet. Once you do that, the answers will come to you automatically. But I’m here to coach you
along the way.

Find out what Walt should have done...

It’s great that Katrina mesmerizes you. Who wouldn’t be mesmerized by someone who looks
like a cross between Denise Richards and Scarlett Johansson? But my techniques NEVER
look at the man’s Interest Level. To you Psych majors, it’s only the girl’s Interest Level that
counts.

don't trust her words

So let’s see exactly what you’ve got here. You have a long-distance relationship, which is
bad. But you want to keep it kind of warm, so you chat with the girl once a week. But
realistically, you’ll only have a chance with this babe when you’re living in her city or she’s
living in yours. In other words, this relationship has to be built, not on her words coming out
of a computer screen, but when you’re there looking right at her and watching her body
language. So Walt, this is the wrong way to advance your relationship. You never warmed
up to each other because you never went out on a date -- she was always involved with
somebody else.

Here’s something else you did wrong: NO WEDDINGS on the first date. The first date with a
girl should always be a Starbucks date. A wedding is a pretty heavy deal for a first date. I
know they’re a lot of fun and all, but when you’re getting to know somebody, you should stay
out of wedding receptions. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “You don’t want her
thinking you want to marry her -- heck, you don’t even know her!”

Now dude, the last thing you want to find out is more about your developing “friendship”
with Katrina. You want to be this girl’s BOYfriend. You’re using the wrong words.

she has a boyfriend

You say Katrina doesn’t mention her boyfriend. Sure she does! It sounds to me like she’s
been telling you about him all along. But why is she mentioning him at all? This is a HUGE
RED FLAG, buddy. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “She’s so scared you’re going
to leave her that she can’t stop talking about other men.” Gee, Walt, I’d hate to hear what
she’d talk about if she didn’t like you! So let me get this straight: Katrina moves in with a guy
that she got rid of -- a guy who’s still in love with her -- and you want to know if this girl
likes
you?

Sure, your friends drooled over Katrina. And I’m sure they wanted to do more than drool
over her. But the more important question is: Did she drool over you? At times you two acted
like a couple. What does that mean? But it certainly was classy that she accidentally bumped
into you a few times on the dance floor. Maybe there’s hope for you after all!

Should Walt have kissed her? Find out what Doc Love thinks...

Katrina acted nervous because she had low Interest Level in you, Walt. No doubt she couldn’t
wait for the wedding to end so she could get away from you and go back to her ex-boyfriend.

you should have kissed her

The most important chapter in the Dating Dictionary is “Closing The Deal.” You knew you
wouldn’t do it, Walt. What’s wrong with you? Are you a coward? Going in for the kiss is the
foolproof way of finding out exactly where a girl stands. Walt, a gentleman would have
kissed this girl. You got it backwards again. If Katrina had turned her head when you'd tried
to lay one on her, you would have known for sure that she was taken.

Let me repeat that we don’t care that this girl intrigues you. We want her to be intrigued by
you. But you insist there’s an unspoken connection between the two of you. Man oh man.
You gotta lay off the pot. That stuff is doing bad things to your head. It’s making you imagine
things!

And I don’t care what this other guy does. I don’t care if he’s her chauffeur, her butler or her
plumber. They use the same bathroom! Nah, she’s not serious about this turkey -- she only
moved in with him! Duh!

ask her out to find out

Here’s what you do: Don’t tell Katrina when you move into her city. Wait two or three days,
then ask her out and KISS her after the date. Otherwise, you’ll be waiting forever to figure out
whether this girl likes you or she’s playing with your head.

Remember, guys: When she lives with a man, I hope you smell a rat.

Her Dreams vs. Reality

Hey Doc,

I found your book nine months ago and it got me my first girlfriend. Cara is an ex-model, has
an IQ of 155 and is the cutest thing ever. Best of all, she was attracted to me from the
beginning. A mutual friend introduced us and we hit it off from there. For all her beauty,
she’s really low-maintenance. We usually either split things 50-50 or take turns paying for
dates. I like it because it’s even and we don’t bicker about every penny. I didn’t have to buy
her. (I hate girls who are feminists until the check comes).

Here’s my problem. Lately, Cara’s been making little effort to get together. It seems to me
that she doesn’t care as much or maybe she’s just trying to sabotage our relationship. Now
that our relationship is starting to get more serious, she’s scared of being hurt again. (Her ex
cheated on her with one of her friends). This behavior began when she told me she had a
dream that I was with another girl. Cara is very superstitious. She says her dreams are almost
always right, and even though she knows it hasn’t happened yet, it probably will in the
future. Well, since then, it’s been all downhill.

should I break up with her?

Doc, I plan to call Cara out on this. I’m going to tell her that her dreams and her ex are not my
fault, and I shouldn’t be held accountable for them, and unless she gives up this insanity, I’ll
leave her. But I REALLY, REALLY don’t want to. This girl is beautiful, intelligent, modest,
and funny. Where will I find someone else like her? I know she’s a bit of a loony -- she even
admits to it. I asked her if she wants to break up with me, and she said no.

I need your help, Doc. I don’t want to lose this girl, but I don’t want to be judged by her
dreams.

Avery - who doesn’t know how to defeat a dream

doc love’s answer

Hi Avery,

Cara may be the smartest thing ever and she may be more generous than Angelina Jolie when
the check arrives, but don’t overlook the fact that she’s also a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. That
also makes her the most dangerous thing ever. Guy, don’t EVER forget what you’re dealing
with here. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Steve Irwin stood a better chance
against the stingray than you do.”

What is Avery doing wrong?

Avery, your dating arrangement isn’t supposed to be even-steven. You should be paying for
four or five dates, and then the girl should be asking you over to her house for a nice dinner of
your favorite dish. I don’t go for this splitting-it-down-the-middle stuff. Like my cousin Fast
Eddie Love says, “Are you taking a girl out or having lunch with the bowling team?”

You tell me that Cara’s making “little effort to get together.” In other words, at one time she
was all over you, and now she couldn’t care less whether or not she ever sees you. So what
do we have here? Did Cara’s Interest Level happen to drop for some mysterious reason? Is
that what the real problem is? You may be right, Avery, that your girl either doesn’t care
about you as much as she used to or she’s trying to sabotage your relationship -- or BOTH.
Have you thought of that?

your relationship isn’t serious

But you insist on believing that your relationship is growing “more serious.” Whoa, Avery --
can you pass any of that dope on to me? That’s some good stuff you’re smoking there! Dude,
Cara’s Interest Level is dropping straight into the cellar and you call that serious? How can
she get hurt when her Interest Level is 51% and yours is 89%? Like my cousin Rabbi Love
says, “The numbers don’t make sense, my son.” With the way those percentages compare, the
only one who’s going to get burned is you.

So, this girl is very superstitious. I see... In other words, she’s a very rational person! How can
she know that you’re going to leave her when your Interest Level is up in the clouds and hers
is right next to the Mason-Dixon Line -- 50%? It doesn’t make any sense.

you have to see the signs

Now I’ve got news for you, pal. This relationship was going downhill long before you knew
it. Like most men, you don’t pick up on the signs and cues that tell you you’re in trouble. Are
you sure you read my book?

What are you going to call Cara out over? Do you actually believe that you can talk her
Interest Level up? Guess what, Avery? It doesn’t work. In all my years as a love coach -- and
I’ve coached literally thousands of men -- I’ve never seen it happen. Not once.

Is Cara really crazy?

Cara’s dreams and ex-boyfriend are not the point here. Your lecturing can’t raise Interest
Level -- that’s the most important issue. Of course you’re not accountable for her fantasies
and her psychological baggage, but she’s trying to tell you something. The second reason
she’s getting rid of you is because of her dream. But the first -- and most important -- reason
is because she has low Interest Level in you. Because if she had high Interest Level, her
dream would be the exception to her great predictive ability.

she is crazy...
But who’s wacky here anyway, Avery? Look at your own thinking. You can’t leave someone
who already left you! Cara may be all the things you say, and one more -- her Interest Level
is in the toilet. Where will you find someone else like her? Like my cousin Brother Love
down in Watts says, “Well, next time you might try with someone who actually digs you!”
Cara’s a bit of a loony? That’s the understatement of the century! She even knows she’s a
whack job. To you Psych majors, when she’s having weird and crazy dreams about you, stay
away from her.

When this girl swore that she didn’t want to break up with you, do you really think she was
telling the truth? Like my cousin General Love says, “Would you bet your life on it, soldier?”

... and she's not interested

In the end, Cara’s dream story is a big cop-out, my friend. She’s serving up a heap
of Womanese. But remember what the great Doctor Freud once said: “Dreams are
wish fulfillments!”

Remember, guys: You are the only one who can lower her Interest Level.

She Wants To Come Back

Hey Doc,

I’m 23 and I started reading "The System" two years ago. My older brother,
who had just recently married, gave me his copy of your book after his wedding and told me
to read it and learn from it. At the time, I was involved with Lisette and thought, “Why the
heck do I need a dating book?” But I read it and found it really interesting. The principles
worked and things seemed to be going just fine between us. I was a Challenge. We both had
our own circle of friends and kept things fresh.

I started dating Lisette when I was 21 and she was 18. It was young love. She always talked
about marriage and she even wanted me to move in with her when we were both attending
university in the same city. I thought we were too young, and told her it was best to take
things slow and put an emphasis on school first.

she broke it off

About nine months ago, Lisette decided that she wanted to try new things, and since she was
moving away for a university work term, she decided we needed some time apart and to see
other people. I was floored. Since then, I’ve been using "The System" extensively and have
had real success with it. I am enjoying the company of plenty of nice women. The problem is
that Lisette is home and she wants me back. I know your rule is to never go back with an
“ex.”

she wants him back

When Lisette split, she still wanted to be friends, but I declined and eliminated her from my
life. It was tough, but we never spoke from the day she broke up with me, until a few weeks
ago when she came back to town. She wanted to go out for coffee and I said “no.” Then I got
an e-mail from her pouring her heart out, saying she didn't date anyone else when she was
away and that she made the biggest mistake of her life.

What should I do, Doc? I know that the rule is to never go back with an
ex, and I also know that you warn us about young girls. My life is good, and I don’t have bad
memories from my relationship with Lisette, except the sour taste from the breakup. Should I
delete her e-mail? Or should I go for coffee and see for myself?

Dirk - who has to admit he’s curious

doc love’s answer

Hi Dirk,

Let me tell you something: My book is not just about dating -- it’s also about keeping a man’s
wife happy. Why your brother gave you his copy of my book I’ll never understand. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “I sure hope your brother knows what the heck he’s doing!”

Find out if Dirk should take his ex back...

It was perfect that you told Lisette that the two of you were way too young to get involved. If
she informed her parents of this -- “I tried to get Dirk to move in with me and he wouldn’t do
it because he said our education is more important” -- they’d have to think more of you and
you’d have to pick up all kinds of points with them.

her reasons for leaving

The problem, of course, is that you weren’t scoring points with their daughter. To you Psych
majors, whenever a girl wants to “try new things,” it’s because the “old thing” -- i.e. YOU --
has gotten BORING. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “That means you’re predictable and a
snore and you ain’t no fun no more.” Lisette’s breaking up with you was her way of telling
you that all you want to do is hang out and you never want to go out and have fun or that
you’re all over her like a cheap suit. Is it just a coincidence that she wants to see other people?
Darn, what a funny coincidence!

Guy, why were you floored by Lisette’s revelation that she wanted to be free? I’m floored
that you actually believed her explanation!

Dude, I’m sure you’re enjoying success with my book now -- with all sorts of new women.
Because, as I’ve told you guys a million times already, once it’s over, it’s over.
don't let her come back
You can’t let Lisette back into your life. She had her chance. She practically came right out
and told you to your face that she was suffering from low Interest Level. Like my cousin Sal
“The Fish” Love says, “When a girl wants to go out with other guys, dance with them and
kiss them, it means she doesn’t like you -- anymore.” Du-uh.

So how it is that, all of a sudden, Lisette saw the light after she decided that she could do
without you forever? You know what my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, don’t
you? “When she’s got nothing to do that night, all of a sudden you don’t look so bad.” But
once her Interest Level hits 49%, it’s over. Gone. Like the Reality Factor says, “It CAN’T
come back.”

When she came slinking around and trying to get you to take her out, you should have told
her, “Lisette, my dear, any time you want to talk, give me a call. I’d love to hear from you
and I’ll always consider you a friend.” And then you never call her. And when she leaves
messages on your service, you don’t respond to them. You’ve got all those other new babes to
occupy your time, remember?

turn her offers down

It’s OK to turn down Lisette’s invitation for coffee, but it’s more effective to do it with a bit
of humor. Here’s what you should have said: “I’d like to, honey, but there’s a Playmate shoot
going on in my bathroom all next week and I can’t possibly break away. But thanks for
asking.”

Find out Doc Love's two rules when it comes to dating and your ex...

When she admitted to making the biggest mistake of her life, you should have said, “Lisette,
I know you screwed up, but I forgive you, and the next guy you meet who’s really good to
you, you’ll really appreciate him, I guarantee it. Good luck!”

The point is that my two rules -- (1) being as cunning as a shark with young women and (2)
once it’s over, it’s over -- are enough to conduct yourself by.

ignore her attempts

So… your life is good except that you have a sour taste in your mouth from your breakup
with Lisette? That doesn’t sound like a contradiction to me!

When Lisette e-mails you, delete her letter, and when you hear her voice on your answering
machine, just press the button and go on to the next message. Like my cousin General Love
says, “Soldier, you gotta be tough!” Because let’s face it, Dirk: She’s tough on you when she
needs time apart, right? The fact that she looks like Kate Moss’s sister shouldn’t give her a
pass.

don't look back

So why would you go out and have coffee with a girl who told you that her Interest Level
was in the nether regions, i.e. below 50%? Why would you want to spend any kind of time or
effort on her -- not to mention the $7 for lattes and cappuccinos -- when you could be dating a
new girl, one whose Interest Level in you is higher? It's time to walk away.

Remember, guys: They only get one chance.

Beware Of Waitresses

Hey Doc,

I’m a newcomer to “The System,” but it’s really turned things around for me. Thank you!

Here’s my situation. My buddies and I have been eating at the same restaurant for a few years
now. One waitress who works there, Brigitte, is a Beautiful Woman and a real sweetheart.
About two months ago, I noticed her making eyes at me. Before letting my ego shoot through
the roof, I tried to undervalue her Interest Level and kept to my usual routine, which was
nothing more than “hello” and “goodbye.” A few weeks ago, some of her female coworkers
began to drop her name a lot to me. They even asked if I “missed” her when she was off one
night.

I took this as a good sign, so I had my birthday party at the restaurant. Afterward, I ended up
being invited out by the whole restaurant crew. When I asked Brigitte if she was going, she
said, “Are you going to be there?” We all went out, chatted, shot pool, and had a great time.

she dropped the bomb

The next weekend, I was invited to another party by the restaurant crew and Brigitte was
there, attached to my hip the entire night. But for some reason, she seemed fidgety and
nervous. About halfway through the evening, we went off alone and got to talking. She
revealed that she had a boyfriend and was going fishing with him the next day. I ended the
conversation, but her earlier flirtatious behavior continued. The boyfriend was not mentioned
again, nor did any of her coworkers ever mention him.

Since the party, Brigitte gets really excited whenever I see her at the restaurant, is always very
attentive to me and always gives me extended eye contact. When I leave the restaurant, she
always asks if she’ll see me the next time I come in. I have not asked for her home number
because of the boyfriend.

What do you think I should do, Doc? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Addison - who wonders if he should eat somewhere else

doc love’s answer

Hi Addison,

Exactly how do you know that Brigitte’s heart is sweet? You don’t really know anything
about this girl, do you? Don’t forget: Paul McCartney thought his soon-to-be-ex-wife was the
kindest girl he’d ever met, too. And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Then he got
to know her.”

Is there hope for Addison?

Now when a girl gives you any kind of buying signals, you’re supposed to ask for the home
phone number. You might own my book, Addison, but in order to make it work at maximum
effectiveness, you’ve got to MEMORIZE it. You’ve got to practice it until it’s second nature.
My techniques will show you that if the girl turns you down, she was just flirting for bigger
tips. And that’s why you have to go for it -- to eliminate all doubts about where she’s really
coming from.

When Brigitte’s coworkers asked if you missed her, you should have flashed your best
Christopher Walken grin and told them you were suicidal. Remember: You’re always keeping
it light and funny.

you should've seen her alone

Having your birthday bash at Brigitte’s restaurant was a huge MISTAKE. Why in the world
would you want to do something like that? Addison, this is the definition of a GROUP
DATE, and you know if you’ve read my book that group dates are always a no-no.

Dude, you don’t own this girl. Instead of being alone with Brigitte and selling her on the idea
that she should dump her boyfriend for you, you end up sharing her with 20 other people.
Like my cousin General Love says, “This is not what you would call a solid battlefield
strategy.” When Brigitte asked if you were going to be at the party, you should have said,
“Well, it’s only my birthday party, I don’t know why I’d be there!”

But agreeing to go to the next party with the entire restaurant workers union was an even
more HUMONGOUS blunder. After sharing your birthday party with a crowd of strangers,
you should have disappeared. You should have let all the others go out by themselves. You
wanted to see Brigitte ALONE, right?
she’s faking it
But this is actually where the entire situation becomes very interesting -- the kind of scene a
forensic love detective would have a field day with. Think about it. Brigitte is leaning on you.
She’s dancing with you. She’s bumping into you and seems to be having a fun time…but at
the same time, she’s fidgety and nervous and looking over her shoulder. To you Psych
majors, something’s not right. Guys, you know what this means: Brigitte is faking high
Interest Level.

And of course, that’s when she reveals that she’s going fishing with her boyfriend the next
day. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Only it really looks like she’s baiting you and that
you’re the big fish who’s about to get hooked.”

Poor Addison should have walked away…

Addison, you should have gotten out of there the minute you saw Brigitte flashing her lure.
Anytime you see a red flag and her Interest Level is dropping, it’s time to say “sayonara.” Pal,
you hung around much too long.

she’s playing with your head

And who cares if Brigitte’s coworkers don’t mention her boyfriend? All you should care
about is her Interest Level in you. But what you have here is a girl with a boyfriend who likes
to play with other guys’ heads and egos. That’s all there is to it.

Sure, Brigitte gets excited when she sees you. But not excited enough to get rid of her
boyfriend. And she’s very attentive to you as well -- but only when her boyfriend’s not
around.

Addison, when this cutie batted her eyes at you, you should have gone straight for that home
phone number. Then, when she turned you down and said, “I can’t -- I have a boyfriend,” you
wouldn’t have had to order your meat loaf and mashed potatoes at her restaurant every night.

you should have taken control

What you could have done then was written your number down and handed it to her and said,
“Honey, as soon as your boyfriend’s circling in the sink, give me a call.” That’s the only time
you hand out your phone number. The point is to get your number into her hands as soon as
possible because this turkey’s not going to last. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts
says, “That boy’s gonna be doin’ a lot of fishin’ on his own.”

Nevertheless, I do think you need a good dose of reality, Addison. Because you actually did
overestimate Brigitte’s Interest Level, despite what you think. Like my cousin Fast Eddie
Love says, “Man, you must be leaving this girl some monster gratuities!”
Remember, guys: Sometimes waitresses fake Interest Level so they can pick up bigger tips.

Should You Move On?

Hey Doc,

Let me be one of the thousands to commend you on your articles. I have yet to purchase “The
System” but intend to do so in the near future. I hope you can give me your expert opinion on
my situation.

I met Mora during college and we went out for three years. I am an Australian citizen, while
she’s from Malaysia. Last year, we both finished our degrees in Australia. I stayed in
Australia and Mora headed back to Malaysia because she told me her father needed help in
the family business. We agreed to make our relationship work because we were so in love.
We faithfully called each other and exchanged romantic e-mail and handwritten letters. But
some weeks ago, she unexpectedly told me over the phone that, while on vacation, she had
time to herself away from the bustle of work and concluded that our relationship wasn’t
going to work out because she may never come back to Australia.

I didn’t agree to this and spent the next two weeks calling Mora and trying to change her
mind. I even asked her to marry me, but she declined.

she said it was forever

Before we broke up, she said the following: “We are made for each other,” “I can’t live
without you,” and “I want to be with you forever.” When I recounted this to her, she said she
only meant it “at the time.” How can a person mean those things one day and not the next?

I know you’re asking why I don’t go and work in Malaysia. If I did, I’d have to take an 80%
pay cut, and unlike Mora, my dad doesn’t own a business there. I have a better chance of
becoming successful in Australia.

Mora assured me that she’s not breaking up with me because she has another guy, and I have
no choice but to believe her. What’s frustrating is that our relationship died not because of
incompatibility or infidelity but because of circumstance.

Mora will be visiting soon because she has to collect some things that I kept for her. Should I
hope that we will be reunited or just move on? I feel a lack of closure because it’s the first
time I’ve been dumped over the phone and we never shared our last moments together.
Geordie - who’s about to go insane

doc love’s answer

Hi Geordie,

I appreciate that you’re thinking of investing in yourself. But I look at the clock and I think
about the party you’re going to tonight and how you’re not going to be as smooth as you
could be without “The System,” and how, next week, you’ll be at a singles club and there’s
going to be a girl you like and you’re not going to get her home phone number. And I hear
the tick-tick-tick of time and I think… “When?”

Geordie can commit to a woman, but can he commit to “The System”?

In other words, pal, you have to stamp a date on this, as in: “On November 1, I’m buying this
book even if there’s a nuclear war!” Unless you make the commitment to help yourself,
you’re never going to do it. Losers make vague promises about the future. Winners make
commitments.

The family business was the second reason Mora left. The first was because she had low
Interest Level in you. It wasn’t you two who were so in love -- it was YOU alone. Mora fell
out of love. That’s why she crossed the ocean. If she loved you, she’d become an Australian
citizen and tell pops to work it out for himself.

But Mora knows she’s never returning Down Under. And what’s all this BS about getting
away from the bustle of work to clear her mind? It’s got nothing to do with Interest Level.
(You’d know that if you’d read my book.) School, business, even when her mom’s really sick
-- none of that lowers Interest Level. The Reality Factor says, “Only YOU can lower her
Interest Level.”

don’t try to convince her

You should have agreed to breaking up, Geordie. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says,
“Why would you want to go to a party where you’re not invited?” Instead, you tried to change
Mora’s mind. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Once Interest Level drops from 51% to
49%, only God can move it back into the 50s.”

Look at it this way, pal: You did everything you could. You asked Mora to marry you and she
said no. You have to say to yourself, “I had three great years with this girl and it’s over.” But
the love of your life walked out on you and you’re going to get my book “someday.” What if
you meet a new girl next week? Will you repeat your mistakes? So, get my book one of these
days -- but don’t rush into anything!
I’m sure Mora said all kinds of wonderful lines when you were together. (One of my favorite
chapters in the Dating Dictionary is “Actress” -- you’ll love that one!) She wasn’t lying when
she said she meant all that stuff -- at that split second, she did. But you lowered her Interest
Level over a three-year period and that’s what you didn’t realize. It’s not actually the very
next day that she didn’t mean what she said. It happens in increments. That’s how a girl can
say such lovely things, and then 90 days later, you’re out. It’s because her Interest Level
dropped -- slowly. Like the dripping of water -- eventually there’s no water left.

It’s time to move on…

find someone else

Hey, I’m not asking why you don’t go and work in Malaysia. Are you sure you read my
articles? Didn’t you read the ones about begging and chasing or my No. 2 rule: “Never try
and keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you” -- did you read that one? But there’s no
hurry -- get my book later.

There’s one other reason you should stay put in Australia that you neglected to mention. You
have to find a new girl. Because the one in Malaysia doesn’t care for you. She moved to
another country to be with her father, she doesn’t know if she’s ever coming back to
Australia, and you asked her to get married and she said no -- hey, this girl’s definitely in
love with you!

Of course Mora won’t come out and say she dumped you for another guy. Whether or not she
did is a side issue here. But I’ll tell you something -- I’ll bet she’s got one!

long distance never works

Your relationship didn’t end because of circumstance. But like I say in my book:
GEOGRAPHY IS A KILLER. If you’d had my book, maybe you could have saved this deal
before Mora’s Interest Level traveled to Malaysia. Theoretically, maybe you were out after
two and a half years, and she said to herself, “Well, I can’t dump him now because I still live
here. Ah! I’ll tell him Dad needs help, then I can go back home and that will be my big
excuse, as opposed to the real truth: Geordie lowered my Interest Level due to his
comportment.”

Why don’t you mail Mora’s things to her? Why would you want to see her? Haven’t you been
battered enough already?

I think you should move on. While you’re at it, get in touch with reality. Like most men when
they like a girl, what you do is RATIONALIZE. To you Psych majors, rationalizing is
dangerous because then you’re out of control and you’re not facing reality.

You did share your last moments together, dude. It’s just that the end came sooner than you
realized.

Remember, guys: Don’t rationalize by believing her excuses.

Control Your Interest Level

Hey Doc,

I’ve been inspired to write to you after reading your columns, and I’m going to purchase "The
System" right after I send this letter. Everything you say makes absolute sense to me. Not too
long ago, I came out of a four-year relationship. I was dumped by my very first “true love.”
All of your concepts explain EXACTLY why it happened. I had become besotted and
obsessed with my ex. My constant chasing had killed her Interest Level, but I was too blind to
see it. In short, I was a complete wimp.

he played hard to get

I met my current girlfriend, Sheena, four months ago. I hadn’t heard of your techniques then,
but my tentative actions increased her Interest Level. I was being a Challenge without
knowing it. On our first dates, I was light-hearted, funny and confident. I told Sheena I
wasn’t sure about getting involved. This didn’t seem to discourage her; in fact, it made her
want to get involved with me. She even asked if I wanted to go back to her place and I
actually said, “No, I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

After a few more dates, she was really into me. She asked if I would phone her and I said,
“Don’t take it personally; I just don’t like the phone.” From then on, she kept calling me,
leaving message after message. When I saw her, she was all over me. I teased her that she
loved me but was too embarrassed to admit it. Then, one evening, she actually told me that
she did love me. I didn’t say it back and she asked why. I said, “When I tell you, I want to be
absolutely sure.”

now he’s at her feet

Now, four months later, I’ve fallen head over heels for her. I’m becoming a wimp again. I’ve
bought Sheena gifts, written e-mails, and started nagging and begging. Then I found your
articles. But I’m finding it difficult to use your principles because I’ve fallen hard for this
girl. Going back to being a Challenge is tougher than I thought. It was so much easier when I
didn’t love her. Most of all, I always want to know what she’s doing. I get insecure,
wondering what’s going on.

How can I get through each day at work without worrying constantly? Most of all, how can I
manage my insecurity and anxiety that comes from wanting to be in touch with Sheena all the
time?

Myles - who’s desperate not to be a wimp

doc love’s answer

Hi Myles,

Lots of guys, for one reason or another, will hang back with a girl, and they don’t know it, but
they’re being a Challenge. What they’re going to do -- hopefully -- is continue this behavior
throughout the entire relationship.

Find out what Myles should have done...

Telling Sheena you weren’t sure about getting involved with her was good insofar as being a
Challenge went. But there was nothing funny about the tactic. In fact, it was heavy-handed,
and we always want to keep it light and funny. What if when she brought up the topic of long-
term relationships, you'd said, “I’d love to get married, but I’m already married”? Funny,
right? With this technique, you don’t answer her question dead-on; you sidestep it, and then
you come right back with a dose of sarcasm.

always use humor

And what you should have said when she asked you to go back to her place was, “If I go
home with you, do you promise to keep your hands to yourself?” And then flashed her your
best Jack Nicholson grin.

Same thing with the telephone deal: The point is that when a woman hits you with a hard,
tough question, you have to go straight into Jim Carrey mode. Or Robin Williams mode. Or
Vince Vaughn mode. You should have said, “Listen, honey, I’ll tell you what. When I talk to
you, I want to be able to look into those big, beautiful eyes of yours. I can’t see them over the
telephone line. Just go along with me on this one thing, and I’ll do everything else in the
relationship you want -- honest.”

don't change your ways

But Sheena started calling you incessantly even if you don’t have a sense of humor. Fantastic,
Myles! You got her going, man! And better yet, all this attention and interest is INCOMING!
She was all over you? Even better! Sheena’s Interest Level is soaring around in the 90s. To
you Psych majors, this is the way it’s supposed to be. But like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
“Now here’s the hard part -- let’s see if she acts like that 30 years from now.”

You blew another opportunity to be a funny man when she asked why you wouldn’t say you
loved her. Dude, that was the perfect invitation to come back with, “Because I don’t believe
in
impersonating parrots!”

The problem now of course is that you’ve lost control of yourself, and your Interest Level is
flirting with 90% if it’s not already there. The man’s Interest Level should stay between 80%
and 89%. When it hits 90%, you poor schmucks start falling apart. Like my cousin Fast Eddie
Love would say, “Love is a drug!”

be the guy she fell for

Now you’ve regressed all the way back to where you were when you got dumped by your ex.
Now you're being too needy. You’re nagging and begging and groveling. After the beating
you took at the hands of your “one true love,” you’ve insisted on going back to that self-
destructive behavior.

The bottom line is the principles that catch her, keep her...

So the obvious question is this: Why would you go against the principles that got you there,
you dunce? No doubt Sheena is a double for Kate Bosworth, and this makes your condition
even worse. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If she looked like Oprah in the
morning, it would be easy for you to be tough.”

Guy, let’s clear something up: It wasn’t easier for you to be a Challenge when you weren’t
gaga over Sheena. That’s a half-truth. The reality is that it was so much easier to be in control
when you were tentative.

don’t be her prison guard

Hey, if you want to know what this girl’s up to every minute, you should become a women’s
prison guard. But needing to know where Sheena is every second of the day shows that
you’re already gone whether or not you know it. Your Interest Level has gone wild. It’s well
into the 90s, and it turned her off. I don’t think there’s any hope for you. Like my cousin
General Love would say, “We ought to just lower the flag to half-mast, get out the bugles
and blow taps. This soldier has bitten the dust.”

force your interest level down

How do you make it through the day without constantly worrying? You have to just suck it
up, pal. Say to yourself, “I have to drag my Interest Level back into the 80s and get realistic
here. Because I’m not the guy Sheena fell in love with. I can’t completely throw my Self-
Control away over some 95-pound girl.”

How can you manage your insecurity and anxiety? Have you thought about Quaaludes? (I’m
kidding!)
Remember, guys: The principles that catch her, keep her.

The System & Older Women

Hey Doc,

I read your articles off and on, and when I do, I always see how right you are about men and
women. I’ve even bought your book and read it a couple of times, but can’t quite memorize
everything yet.

I’m 25 and have had two serious relationships so far, both of which ended badly. Recently, I
met Hillary at a bar when she was with a group of friends. She’s 34, mature, career-minded,
and attractive. To make a long story short, we went dancing and Hillary was all over me. She
invited me over to her beach house and we spent the next three days having what I would
call a romantic time (we were in separate bedrooms, of course!). I happened to have some
vacation days from my job at the time, so I was able to hang out with Hillary all that time.

she canceled our date

After this wonderful interlude, Hillary announced that she had to go to work. She’s a sound
engineer for concerts and many times has to work until three in the morning. We were
supposed to have dinner the next night, but suddenly she called to tell me that she got stuck at
work and that our date was off. I played it cool and went out with some other friends.

She was supposed to call me to make up our missed date, but she didn’t. Later that week, I
called her, but she seemed distant toward me. Doc, it seems like Hillary is losing interest in
me all of a sudden, and I don’t know what I did wrong. She was up for a good time and so
was I. What the heck happened? (I did not detect the presence of a boyfriend, by the way.)

am I too young?
Doc, was this just a three-day fling for Hillary? I know she thinks that a sense of humor is
important in a man she’s with, and that sometimes I wasn’t quite in the mood to be funny, but
it doesn’t seem that something so trivial could be enough to wreck what started out as such a
promising thing.

The other thought that occurred to me was that since she’s so much older than me, she might
want someone who is more mature. What’s your take? Do older women really prefer younger
guys or is that a myth propagated by the women’s magazines? Granted, I’m not as far along
in my career as she is, but at 25, how could I be?

Lavar - who thought he had it made

doc love’s answer

Hi Lavar,

I’m sure you read my articles “off and on,” and when you’re with a woman, you’ll only be
successful “off and on” because that’s the way you treat this entire process -- off and on.
What’s holding you back from memorizing everything in my book? By the way, when you
tell me that your two earlier relationships ended badly, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love
says, “What you really mean is that they dropped you.”

Why is Lavar always unsuccessful with women?

When Hillary invited you over to her beach house, you should have said you were busy. You
should have said you had somewhere else you had to be. Dude, you’re supposed to see a girl
for three or four hours and call her a week later. So what did you do? You ran three whole
days together in one shot! In other words, you took three or four months of dating and
crammed them into three days with a complete stranger. Does this sound like a recipe for
romantic success? Like the old cowboy saying goes, “That stuff only works in Hollywood
movies.”

Then you went and made a date on a date. What’s wrong with you, Lavar? Are you sure you
read any of my articles? You should have let a week go by, and at least have let Hillary
wonder and fantasize about that great, fun time you and she had for three days on the beach.
But like most men, you couldn’t wait. You PRESSED. To you Psych majors, when you
PRESS, you lose with women.

it’s already over

So Hillary called and broke your date. Very nice -- now you’ve got your first broken date.
Sounds like you’re heading for your third bad relationship in a row, pal. Face it, Lavar, the
way you’re handling things, it’s history already. Hillary’s already looking for another beach
buddy.

When Hillary dodged you, of course you played it cool and went out with some other friends.
What else could you do? You had to suck it up, didn’t you? What choice did you have?

Then she was supposed to call you and didn’t. Now let me guess what you did -- you showed
Hillary how tough you were by not calling her back, right? Wrong! You were on that phone
faster than it took for Michael Jackson’s latest album to bomb. What a surprise! So now
you’re going to do a little begging, right? Great! Hillary seemed distant toward you? Wow,
that’s inconsistent!

her interest level tanked

What did you do wrong here, Lavar? You spent three straight days with a stranger off the
street -- that’s what you did wrong. If you had six months in with Hillary, and then spent three
days with her, everything would be different. But like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier,
you didn’t have a base of operations.” And like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts adds,
“You didn’t need the presence of a boyfriend to hurt you, because you did enough damage all
by yourself, bro!”

Did Lavar’s age have an influence?

What happened to you, Lavar, was that Hillary thought she enjoyed hanging out with you for
three days, but at the end of the three days, she came to realize that her Interest Level in you
wasn’t all that high. In fact, it wasn’t even 51%. And so there was no reason for her to see you
again. Which is why she doesn’t want to. Makes sense, doesn’t it? It’s called the Reality
Factor.

You better get your head straight, Lavar. First you tell me that a sense of humor is important,
and then you tell me it’s trivial. So which one is it? And this brings us to the core of your
problem. You don’t know which end is up here. This whole thing with Hillary was never
anything solid. It seemed like it started out as a little something, but in reality it never was
anything.

it’s not your age

Guys, maturity is always second to Interest Level. You’re off on a crazy tangent here with this
older woman/younger man thing. If you did everything right, Hillary would still be seeing
you even though she’s nine years older. You never hear about Demi not returning Ashton’s
phone calls, do you? You didn’t do enough things right during those three days you and
Hillary spent together, and that’s your problem. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “This
whole age issue is much ado about nothing.”

One thing about your career trajectory. Alexander the Great controlled half the world at your
age. You’re a little behind the eight ball, Lavar.

Remember, guys: To be successful with women, you have to spoon-feed yourself.

Is A Group Date Still A Date?

Hey Doc,

First off, I want to thank you for putting the "The System" together. I’ve totally bought into
your techniques, but I’m having trouble implementing some of them because I’m very much
a beginner. Here’s my problem: I met the gorgeous Lucinda at a club recently. I made sure to
keep the conversation light.
she was flirting it up
When we were on the dance floor, some casual touching by her occurred. At this point, I
thought her Interest Level was at least 51%. I made an excuse to leave at the peak of our
interaction and asked for her number. She gave it to me and I left. Needless to say, I thought I
was doing pretty well.

I decided to text message Lucinda a greeting the next evening. I know you say to wait a week,
but I thought one text message would be OK since I didn’t actually phone her. A few days
later, Lucinda called and invited me out with a bunch of her friends. I accepted because the
offer was incoming.

Doc, does being with Lucinda and three others count as a date? I met them and it all went OK.
Lucinda and I talked, exchanged compliments and laughed. She mentioned that she’d be
clubbing with some other people on Saturday and again invited me. I went, but the night was
definitely not as good as the first one. The conversation flattened out and Lucinda seemed to
refrain from initiating contact. I haven’t heard from her since.

i made myself too available

I’m at loss as to what to do next. I definitely feel like I was way too accessible to Lucinda,
providing no Challenge, but it was difficult to refuse her invitations, especially when she was
the one initiating them.

Doc, what do you think Lucinda’s Interest Level is now? Have I made a total mess of this? Is
the situation salvageable or should I flush her number? If Lucinda calls with another group
invitation, should I accept or politely refuse? If she doesn’t call me, should I call her? If so,
how long should I wait?

I know I’m asking a lot of questions, but I’m totally confused.

Wendell - who needs a ton of help

doc love’s answer

Hi Wendell,

You should be having a lot of trouble right now because you’re in the difficult, early stages of
changing a lot of old, bad habits -- the kind that made your earlier dating life like Custer at the
Little Bighorn. It’s going to take you anywhere from two to three months to a year to get the
basics of my techniques down. But I’m here to help men, and I GUARANTEE that you’re
going to get better with women -- a lot better.
Find out where Wendell went wrong and some simple dating tactics...

don’t take girls so seriously

So right now, what you have to do is two things: First, don’t take women personally, and
second, have fun with the process.

Lucinda’s Interest Level could have been 51%, but don’t forget that Professional Daters --
women with Interest Levels of only 40%-49% -- are very devious. They’ll touch you, but
what they’re really doing is feigning Interest Level. This slick maneuver will keep you happy
while she’s figuring out how long she’s going to keep you hanging around for her amusement
and free food.

texting is like calling

Regarding your text message, it’s not the vehicle that’s at fault. I want you to disappear. To
be incognito. No communication. You left the country, that’s what I’d like to see. I want
Lucinda
-- or any fox -- wondering about and pondering on this fascinating guy she met, and when you
text message or e-mail or phone, you destroy all of that enticing mystery. To you Psych
majors, BEING IN HER FACE KILLS CHALLENGE.

When I tell you not to communicate with this girl, you then fall into the pit of rationalizing.
Why? Easiest answer in the world: because she’s gorgeous. And that’s what 90% of men do.
Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “If she’s worth looking at twice, you saps cave right in.” But
this girl’s different, you tell yourself. In real life, you’re only going to be part of her history
class.

no friends on the first date

Wendell, you accepted the date with Lucinda, but you should have realized that you were also
going out with 19 of her girlfriends. How are you going to raise her Interest Level when she’s
preoccupied with 19 other people? It doesn’t make any sense, buddy. OK, it turned out that
there were only three girlfriends, so you only had to entertain four people.

Does all this really count as a date? Sadly, yes, it counts as a date -- a really bad, horrible
date. And, Wendell, who cares that you got along with all of Lucinda’s friends? All we care
about is Lucinda’s Interest Level. And it’s easier to raise it if you’re alone with her versus
trying to sell her and her three girlfriends all together.

don’t compliment her

What do you mean you two “exchanged compliments”? It’s all right if she compliments you
50 times in one evening, but what the heck are you doing complimenting her? Like my cousin
Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Dude, you got any idea how many times this chick has been told
she looks just like Jessica Biel?” By the way, did she yawn when you told her how fantastic
she looked?

When Lucinda invited you out a second time, it was another great opportunity for you to turn
her down. That’s why I’m totally shocked that the second night wasn’t as good as the first. I
can’t imagine why! You don’t think Lucinda got bored watching you chase after her every
time she called your name, do you?

Is there any hope for Wendell?

don’t be too available

What you should do next is memorize my book. And, Wendell, please learn not to rationalize
when your Interest Level is up in the heavens just because the girl you’re dating belongs on
the cover of Vogue.

There is one thing you hit right on the head, though: You provided no Challenge to Lucinda
whatsoever. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “There’s hope in America
yet! I can’t believe it!”

Of course, that’s where things get really tough for a guy. You have to refuse the babe’s
invitations. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “When you have a hottie on your hands,
you gotta grow some big cojones.” It doesn’t make any difference that she was the initiator,
guy. I don’t care if she was begging you to marry her right that minute. You’re not doing
group dates. Because all that these group dates did to you was turn you into a hanger-on -- a
Lucinda groupie.

don't ever call her again

Where’s Lucinda’s Interest Level? Somewhere between 0% and 2%. I’m telling you,
Wendell, you couldn’t have done any worse. The odds of her coming back would be
equivalent to you going for a walk in the park and being attacked by a cougar -- even that’s
more likely to happen than hearing from this girl again.

If, by some miracle, she does call, you politely refuse and make a counteroffer. And no, you
don’t call her -- which means you two will never talk again. If you do decide to call her, wait
until two weeks before Armageddon.

To you Psych majors, when you meet a woman and do everything right, don’t immediately
start rationalizing and doing everything wrong.
Remember, guys: The better-looking they are, the tougher it is.

Don't Be Her Rebound Guy

Hey Doc,

I have a big problem. I became friends with Shania, who I used to work with. We had the best
times of our lives together -- at least I did, and she tells me she did too. After she left her
husband, we started to date. We then spent two years together in a romantic relationship.

Then, the unfortunate happened. I went to work one day and came home that evening to
discover that Shania had moved all her stuff out. Keep in mind that no fight happened prior to
this, and she couldn’t wait for me to get home from work. Later, I learned that she had gone
back to her ex-husband. She called me the day she left, but I refused to speak to her.

she begged to come back

After three months, I broke down and we talked. Shania wanted to see me again. She was
still living with her ex. We hung out a few times and then stopped talking again. Two months
later, she began to call me all over again to tell me that she missed me and loved me more
than anything, and that she only hoped I could forgive her for leaving me. I told her that there
was no reason for her to leave in the first place because I gave her everything she wanted in a
man. And I told her it was easy to forgive but not forget.

Shania has continued to call me and sometimes even shows up at my place, but the weird
thing is that she’s still living with her ex. I still have strong feelings for her because it was the
best relationship I ever had with a woman.

she’s still living with him

To this day, Shania continues to tell me that she doesn’t love her ex, and that all she wants is
me back in her life. I explained that it’s hard to accept that because she’s living with him.

Doc, all I want is advice. I know the final answer comes down to me alone, but with some
moral support, my decision might be easier. I’ve tried dating other women, but it never works
out because Shania is always on my mind. Can you help me, please?

Corey - who wants to know if love triumphs over all

doc love’s answer

Hi Corey,

I just hope it was Shania trying to convince you that you were having those “best times of
your life,” and not you convincing her.
Doc helps Corey see the light…

Dude, you didn’t give this girl enough time to get over her ex. To you Psych majors, even if
the woman dumps the guy, there’s an un-bonding process that takes time. I don’t want you
being the rebound guy.

The bad part of this process is that the woman might be emotionally ready to get into a new
relationship after going through 10 guys, and you’re number 11. Then, you missed the boat.
But the important thing is this: She’ll eventually come to you if you stay away from her long
enough. Guys, you have to be at arm’s length romantically when she’s on the rebound.

she should’ve begged for a ring

Now, let me get this straight: You spent two years with Shania and she never asked you to get
married? She didn’t beg you for an engagement ring? She didn’t ask you, “Where’s this
going?” Don’t you find that strange? (Assuming her Interest Level was 96%, of course!)

So she was gone before you knew what hit you. Wonderful. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
says, “I’d hate to see how she would have dumped you if she wasn’t sensitive!” Here you’re
walking around with 89% Interest Level, and you come home and Shania and Bekins got
together behind your back and hauled everything out of there.

Corey, when you opened the door that night, did it feel like a chainsaw slicing into your
heart? I feel for you, guy.

you were her rebound

So what the heck happened? How did Shania’s Interest Level drop? Or was it not up there to
begin with? The Reality Factor says that if she was on the rebound, it couldn’t be.

A very small percentage of women don’t fight -- they just disappear. You happened to find
one, man. It’s better that way because at least the beheading is quick -- I hope.

Shania didn’t go back to her ex-husband. She never left him. She left you, Corey, not him.
Sadly for you, you got it backward.

But when she had the gall to come around after ripping out your guts, you refused to speak to
her. Fantastic! You finally showed her you were a tough guy. Like my cousin Brother Love
down in Watts says, “Why would you ever want to talk to someone who slapped you down
like she did?”

you wimped out

But then you wore down and gave in like a real Wimpus Americanus. You mean I have to take
the Congressional Medal of Honor away from you now? She might still be living with her ex,
but I’m sure it didn’t stop you from jumping all over Shania!

Doc explains why Corey has to kick Shania out of his life for good…

But she wasn’t through playing with your head -- she cut you off again. Great! Inconsistent
behavior is a very strong character trait in a woman.

Corey, you gave her everything she needed in a man, all right, except the ability to keep her
Interest Level in the 90s.

Let me tell you something, my friend: Forgiveness and forgetting are twin sisters, and they
travel together. If you can’t do both, then you haven’t done one.

fight your feelings

The only negative when Shania shows up at your place time and again is that she doesn’t have
all the furniture in the Bekins truck ready to move back into your house. And, like my cousin
Sal “The Fish” Love says, “We know you’d help her unpack, you weakling.”

Sure you have strong feelings for Shania -- but you have to fight them. This is where Patience
and Discipline come in. They’re two key factors in the Dating Dictionary, which you have to
get and memorize ASAP. It’s easy to be tough when the girl looks like Rosie O’Donnell’s
older sister, but when you have strong feelings for a clone of Mischa Barton, that’s the test of
a real man.

You’re trying to extend these “best times of your life,” Corey, but they’re over. This girl was
either imitating a basketball or she had high Interest Level in the beginning and you were too
available, came on too heavy and weren’t a Challenge, and so all of a sudden the ex looked
better. And remember: She originally left him.

don’t let her bounce back

By the way, did Shania use Bekins too when she dumped him? Heck, she must have a deal
with that company with the way she’s bouncing back and forth among men. When you told
her it was hard to accept her protestations of eternal devotion, I’d love to know what she said
to that one!

What you have to do now is disappear. I know she’s always on your mind, but like my cousin
Rabbi Love says, “Why would you want to think about the sins she’s committing with another
man?” When you ask whether love triumphs over all, the fact that you’d even use that phrase
shows me how little you understand about women.
Remember, guys: If they live with someone else, they don’t care for you.

Dating Ugly Girls

Hey Doc,

I’m one of your old fans and I have found "The System” to be very truthful. However, I have
a problem that I can’t find a solution for, and I hope you can help me with it.

I’ve been struggling with this issue for three months now and it’s still not resolved. No one
among my friends is wise enough to give me what I consider to be solid advice.

she’s not a 10
I met Sandrine a year ago, and since that time, we’ve become so close that we started talking
about marriage. My problem resides in me, and not in her. I love the girl very much, and she
has every good point that you’d want in a wife, except for one: her looks. It’s not that she’s
unattractive, but she’s not a “10.” Unfortunately, looks are very important to me. I know that
if I resolve this issue I can go forward in my life with confidence in my decisions.

This is the way it works, Doc: Despite the fact that I love Sandrine, when a Beautiful Woman
approaches me, I feel that there’s a hole inside me that needs to be filled; a hole that my
partner, despite all of her good points, cannot fill. Why? Because I feel like I have a need for
a Beauty.

needing beautiful women

I know it sounds crazy, but if I love Sandrine, why can’t I be satisfied with her? Another thing
that bothers me is that if I dump Sandrine, what are the chances that I’d find a Beautiful
Woman with all of her attributes? I know I’d have to be very, very lucky.

Doc, I’m not a novice when it comes to women. Sandrine is my ninth girlfriend, and I’ve seen
beautiful things in both her mind and heart that I never saw in any of my exes.

I am desperately in need of your coaching.

Sharp - who doesn’t know if he should cut her loose

doc love’s answer

Hi Sharp,

Thanks for the compliment. It’s too bad that your friends can’t help you, but my job is to help
you see the forest through the trees, and that’s what I’m going to do.

I just hope it was Sandrine and not you who brought up the subject of marriage, because it’s
the woman who should always bring up marriage; it proves her Interest Level beyond a
shadow of a doubt. But if Sandrine’s less-than-spectacular looks are a problem, then you
don’t love her very much, pal. So you just contradicted yourself. Do you love her or don’t
you? As the old cowboy saying goes, “You can’t have it both ways.”

Doc Love forces Sharp to ask himself some deep-cutting questions…

you want a trophy

So, you’ve got a fixation on hotties, and you don’t feel like a man unless you have one
hanging off your arm. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, if physical beauty is so
important to you, maybe you should run a modeling agency.”

But looking deeper into your impasse, what’s obvious is that we’re really talking about two
different issues here. The compulsion to possess a Beautiful Woman is one side of the coin
and it says that you’re a certain kind of guy -- the kind who values outer beauty as more
important than what’s on the inside. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Naomi
Campbell wouldn’t scare you off, even if you had to duck a cell phone or two and sleep with
one eye open for the rest of your life.”

But then you turn around and talk about an emptiness in yourself, and that’s another subject
altogether. Now, I don’t have a sheepskin on my wall, but I can tell you this: That part of your
problem has nothing to do with romance. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “This is a
need that’s not healthy.”

you're wasting her time

Nevertheless, you just can’t seem to feel good about yourself because Sandrine is not a clone
of Angie Everhart. This fact begs the following questions: Why did you ask her out in the first
place? Why did you get involved with her at all? Why did you waste this girl’s time? (See
ladies, I’m not so bad!) Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “What the heck were you thinkin’,
boy? When you met her, you could see that she had a chin that belonged on a Clydesdale!”

So now you’re going to get rid of this girl and you haven’t even asked her to consider seeing a
plastic surgeon. What are the chances of finding a Beauty with all of her inner attributes?
Zero. You never will, Sharp. And that’s what’s sad about this letter. But you’re into looks.
And let me assure you of something, my friend: You will pay dearly for them.
settle for a lower grade
But before doing something drastic, you have to ask yourself this: Is Sandrine attractive? Not
gorgeous, but attractive. Are you attracted to her? If you’re attracted to her, then we have a
GO. The point is that, with Sandrine, you’re not going to have an A and you have to accept it.
You’ll have to be satisfied with a B minus. But that’s a choice you have to make for yourself.

Doc Love let’s Sharp in on what it’s like to date Beautiful Women…

You’ve only had nine girlfriends, Sharpy? Heck, that’s nothing. You’re still wet behind the
ears. Let me ask you this: How many dates have you had? Most importantly: How many of
those dates were with BEAUTIFUL WOMEN? Because you better darned well know what
you’re in for if you’re going to deep-six Sandrine and chase after the Pamela Andersons of
the world.

self-sacrifice for beautiful women

And if you’re lucky enough to snag a “10,” are you ready for your life to be ALL ABOUT
HER 24/7? Whether you realize it or not, that’s what’s going to happen with the majority of
the Beauties. I suggest you go back to the chapter “BEAUTIFUL WOMEN” in the Dating
Dictionary to refresh your memory of what you’re going to be dealing with. Like my cousin
General Love says, “Soldier, you got no clue what you’re up against.”

In the end, if you cut Sandrine loose, you’ll have to tell yourself that looks, which will fade,
are more important than this woman’s great personality, which will last forever. This is what
you’ll have to convince yourself of. And ultimately, this is the price you’ll have to pay. Think
about it.

To you Psych majors, the girls that you thirst for on the covers of Vogue and Mademoiselle
are fantasies. They’re not real people when they’re on the newsstand.

So, Sharp, what’s your level of maturity? Are you in touch or out of touch with reality?

Remember, guys: If her looks aren’t good enough for you, don’t waste her time.

Don't Do Her Any Favors

Hey Doc,

First of all, let me say that your writings have been a great source of advice and inspiration for
me.

Now on to my story. I am 32 years old and have been living in my apartment for some time.
Last year, this incredibly hot girl, Farrah, moved in four floors above me. We ran into one
another a couple of times on the stairs, but never really said more than the occasional “Hi,
how are you doing,” etc.

Just recently, we started running into each other a little more frequently for some reason, and
whenever we did, I managed to start up a conversation. One day, Farrah even asked me to
fix her car when I told her that I love working on my ’94 Chevy. I did and it was a lot of fun
just being around her.

i’m unemployed
Farrah is in her early 20s and works as an office clerk. I went to college, but as it stands, I’ve
been unemployed for six months, and there’s little hope that I’ll find a new job anytime soon.
And therein lies the problem: How do I get an attractive young woman like Farrah to go out
with me?

I haven’t told her my age yet (like I said, I’m 32, but all my friends tell me I look 25 or
even younger) or that I’m out of work, because I figure there’s probably no chance she’ll
want to waste time with some deadbeat who’s 10 years her senior. I’m very good at not
giving other people too much info about myself too soon, but somehow I feel like a liar
already.

i'm afraid to ask her out

I don’t think Farrah is seeing anyone right now -- at least she never talks about a boyfriend
and I never see her with a guy. There’s definitely a great deal of chemistry between us,
and sometimes I just think, “What the heck, ask her out already!”

What should I do? I’d love to take Farrah out on a date, but I’m worried that she’ll be put
off by my age and lack of a job.

Slick - who’s not had much luck with girls or work

doc love’s answer

Hi Slick,

My job is inspiring, because I’m coaching you to want to go out there and win the girls as
opposed to staying stuck in your rut as a loser.

Doc doesn’t mince his words…

When you and Farrah originally started running into each other, I just hope she was the one
saying hello to you first. Because you’re not supposed to be talking to her first. (And when
she was running up and down the stairs I hope you didn’t stand there gaping at her either!)

I want the girl starting the conversations. She lives in your building. You’re going to be
running into her periodically. Let her come at you with the chitchat. Let her ask how you are.
Let her linger when she sees you. To you Psych majors, I want her adding to her buying
signals. But when the man jumps in with his big mouth and starts blabbing, he doesn’t
give her the opportunity. The result is that you don’t know a thing about her Interest Level.
And YOUR 85% Interest Level means nothing.

stop doing her favors

Slick, what did you get out of fixing Farrah’s car? As soon as she asked you to work on it (for
free, I’m assuming, like you’re doing everything else in your life), you should have said “And
what’s for dinner?” If there were the slightest hesitation on her part, you’d know she was just
looking to date a mechanic (which is better than no job at all!).

I’m sure it was fun hanging around Farrah, but what about her? Did she have a fun time? Or,
like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Was she just impressed by the fact that she didn’t get a
repair invoice for $78.56?”

By the way, my friend, are you hitting the streets with a suit and tie looking for a job eight to
10 hours a day? Are you pounding on doors? If you’re doing all that, you’re fine, guy. But let
me tell you something. Let’s say you do succeed in getting Farrah to go out with you, and
you do everything right for the first time in your life. And six months go by, and then you’re
out of work for a full calendar year, you’re not driving a Mercedes and you’re still stuck with
that old “classic.” Sooner or later, Farrah’s going to start putting two and two together and
saying to herself, “Where’s this guy going?”

get a job
Slick, in your deprived circumstances you get a hot, young babe to go out with you by hitting
the lottery. By the way, have you ever noticed that when someone asks, “How old are you?”
and you say “50,” they never say, “Gee, you don’t look a day under 65!” Like my cousin
Rabbi Love says, “If everybody looks younger, maybe we should lower everybody’s age.”

Slick might still be able to get the girl…

Being 10 years Farrah’s senior is fine, as long as you’re a corporate lawyer making $128,000
a year, driving a new Corvette and your weekend car is a spanking new SUV. I think it’s
great that you don’t spill too much info about yourself, because usually when you like a girl,
you feel the compulsion to tell her everything about yourself in the first 10 minutes. And in
your case, it means you’d have to tell her you’re at least 32 and you’ll probably never have a
job again.

You don’t know who Farrah is seeing, dude. Unless you’re Donald Trump and have the
money to hire someone to follow her around 24/7, you don’t know anything about her. Mister
Trump can afford to check her out, but you can’t. Since you’re on unemployment
compensation, you have to worry about making the monthly rent.
you can still get her
Farrah never talked about her boyfriend because she wanted you to fix her car first. Like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Don’t worry, once her vehicle passes inspection, she’ll
be talking about all kinds of guys.”

You’ve not told me one single thing that Farrah does to verify that she has any kind of
chemistry with you. All you’ve talked about is your high Interest Level, the fact that you live
in an old apartment, you’re long in the tooth, you can’t get a job, and nobody likes you.

Here’s what you do: Don’t talk about your nonexistent job or that you’re on “hellfare.” If
Farrah asks how old you are, tell you’re 73, and she’ll laugh, then ask her how old she is
before she can call you a liar. And if she asks if you’re working, you answer, “Presently I’ve
got three companies on the line and I just don’t know which one to choose.” If she’s really
dumb, tell her, “Honey, I’m between careers.”

Remember, guys: It’s hard to work girls when you don’t have any moolah.

Dealing With Blockers

Hey Doc,

Just recently, I started reading your column and have found it fascinating. I wonder if you
could give me some feedback on a problem I’m facing.

I was at a party a week ago at my buddy’s apartment. It was a blast at first. The people there
-- especially the girls -- were really fun, and I thought I got a few interested in me. Soon after
midnight, though, a lot of other guys showed up. I was trying to get a few phone numbers
since it was late, but these latecomers swarmed over whatever girl I chose to concentrate on.
They were obviously trying to grab and dominate their attention.

guys kept blocking

One girl, Deirdre, seemed like she wanted to continue talking to me, but the new guys were so
annoying that she became hesitant and uncomfortable. She was clearly trying to block these
guys out so that she could talk to me, but that attempt was pretty much futile.

I looked at my options:

A) I could be up front with these other dudes and tell them that I was having a
conversation and to stop interrupting.
B) I could give in to my frustration by starting a fight or just leaving.

C) I could forget the whole thing and hang out with my friends until later that night when
the party thinned out a bit.

he couldn't get her number

I knew that talking to these guys wouldn’t help because it rarely does anything good in a
drunken college affair, and I would’ve appeared weak to this girl if I'd demanded they back
off in vain. I didn’t want to try and lead this girl away because, in that environment, girls can
be suspicious of your motives. After being hounded by these guys, Deirdre left with her
friends.

Ultimately, I left in frustration, and I know that if I had stayed with Deirdre, I could’ve
gotten her number, but I have a really hard time dealing with Blockers. And it seems like
they are everywhere, even among my own friends. What am I supposed to say or do to get
pushy, attention-grabbing guys to give me some room?

Silva - who hates to give ground

doc love’s answer

Hi Silva,

You know why my column is so fascinating? Because I don’t sound like any of the other love
doctors out there. Have you guys ever noticed that?

Now, you mean to tell me you waited until after midnight to go hunting for home phone
numbers? Man, you should have closed these girls when they were still laughing. Or like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You should have been taking numbers when they were still
awake.”

Find out what Silva should have done...

Pal, you spent way too much time with these girls before thinking about going after their
phone numbers. Once you get anywhere from five to 15 minutes in with a girl and you have
her giggling, you’re asking for her home phone number. You can’t be rapping to them and
making them laugh at 9:00, and then waiting until dawn to take action. To you Psych majors,
when you spend too much time with a girl before going for the phone number, Murphy’s Law
is going to kick in -- THINGS WILL GO WRONG. Guaranteed.

get her number earlier

And it was already too late when the football team showed up bombed at the party. That’s
why you should have done it much earlier. Heck, if you had just handed Dierdre your
business card and a pen and yelled, “HOME PHONE NUMBER!” into her face, I don’t care
how many guys were swarming over her, she would have handed it right over if she had any
interest in you at all. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Hey, they weren’t pinning her arms
behind her back, were they?”

Guy, you have to pretend like your life depends on getting those 10 digits. Or like my cousin
Fast Eddie Love says, “If you don’t ask for the home phone number, why did you go to the
party?”

Now let’s look at your three options. Telling the boys from Animal House to stop interrupting
wasn’t going to work -- they were rowdy and hammered. Starting a fight or storming out in a
hissy fit would have made you even more of a loser than you ended up being. Likewise for
waiting around until the crowd thinned: By the time the party petered out, all the girls would
have already gone home exhausted or chased off by the drunken frat rats.

don't pick a fight

But Silva, you wouldn’t have appeared weak if you had told those jerks to back off. Like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Hey, lots of girls dig macho guys. Why do you think
George Clooney has to beat them off with a stick?”

Dude, girls aren’t going to be suspicious of your motives if they have high Interest Level.
They won’t care what your motives are. Like the great Doctor Freud said, “My son, look at
how many of them go off with Dennis Rodman.”

take her away

Silva, you should have grabbed Deirdre by the hand, taken her straight outside the apartment
door and said, “What’s your home phone number?” Or pulled her into the bathroom, locked
the door and let the Blockers in their drunken stupor try to beat the door down as you’re
getting a number while sitting on the toilet seat.

Find out how Silva could have gotten her number...

But instead, Deirdre left with her friends and you never CLOSED. The most important chapter
in the Dating Dictionary is “Closing the Deal.” Looks like you didn’t read that one, Silva!

So you count Blockers among even your own close friends… Hear that, guys? Like my
cousin General Love says, “When it comes to girls, you can’t even trust the man next to you
in the foxhole.”

In the end, the only guy who has your best interests in mind is me.
take initiative
What you have to do is this: CHANGE THE ENVIRONMENT. If you want to get her phone
number and you’re surrounded by the enemy, you grab her hand and you pull. If she has
high Interest Level, she’ll follow you. If she doesn’t, she’s going to slip out of your hands
like she was greased.

Remember, guys: If you’re not going to ask for the home phone number, why are you
talking to her?

Doc Love: She Cheated

Hey Doc,

I’m new to your columns, but I’ve found that they are full of wonderful information and
advice. Congratulations on the great work.

I’ll cut directly to the chase. I have been with my girlfriend, Sydney, for about four years
now. She’s very attractive, so I must have done something right to have her for so long. But
recently, Sydney confessed to me that she made out with a couple of other men while she was
with me. She told me she could hold it in no longer, and I needed to know about this if our
relationship was going to last and be about honesty.

i wasn’t happy
Needless to say, I was a little less than thrilled. I didn't talk to Sydney for a few days, but after
a conversation with her mother, in which she told me that her daughter believes she made the
biggest mistake of her life by telling me this garbage, I sat down and took a long, hard look at
all of my options.

I came to the conclusion that my one real option is dumping Sydney and going after other
women. That was my brain talking. My gut said otherwise. My gut has never let me down,
and my gut tells me that Sydney is the girl I want.

i forgave her
Doc, I forgave Sydney and we are working on trying to build a stronger relationship out of
this. But here’s the problem: The amount of time we talk has diminished. I also feel that
Sydney’s Interest Level has dropped inexplicably.

I understand the concept of Challenge, but how do you remain a Challenge without making
the woman feel as if you do not have an interest in her? I feel that with Sydney backing off, I
have to make sure that she knows that I still love her, and the only way to do that is to pursue
her.

I’d really appreciate any help you could give me.

West - who feels like he’s losing ground

doc love’s answer

Hi West,

First of all, thanks for the compliment. It’s my job to coach men to see Reality, and that’s
what I’m going to do for you.

Sydney might be beautiful and charming, but does she love West?

Now, on to your problem with the beautiful Sydney. It’s a half-truth that you did something
right to keep her for so long. You might have boosted this girl’s Interest Level to 95% in the
first three months of your relationship, and then for the next three and a half years, it
languished at 40% to 49%, and she just hasn’t decided how to leave and she’s been mentally
gone all that time. Or you could have been with her for three and half years and her Interest
Level was 95% all that time, but for the last six months, you’ve been doing everything wrong.

But no matter how it went down, now you’re in trouble, and that’s all that matters.

can you really forgive her?

So, Sydney’s been making out with other men on the sly. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish”
Love says, “Are you sure it was only two men she was kissing?”

Now think about this “confession” logically -- and I’m talking to all you women out there as
well. Does this kind of thing raise Interest Level? Does this make the guy like you more? Can
he forgive your sins? (And no, he’s not a Catholic priest, so he can’t do Confession.)

Forget “honesty.” Sydney should have kept her mouth shut, never cheated again and hoped to
God you never found out about it. That is, West, if you didn’t have her mixed up with
someone who cared. Because blabbing about her infidelities actually indicates the opposite.
But since you did find out about it straight from the horse’s mouth, Destiny is going to take a
little turn here.

honesty is irrelevant
This isn’t about honesty at all, West. It’s about openness. I want you to be honest, but not
open. The same goes for Sydney.
You didn’t talk to Sydney for a few days? How about not talking to her for a few years? And
what are you doing yakking to her mom about your troubles? Or like my cousin General Love
says, “Why are you going to the enemy’s mother?”

West, the reason Sydney made out with these other guys is because she has low Interest Level
-- in you. To you Psych majors, believe it or not, girls with high Interest Level don’t want to
make out with other guys. I know that’s a hard nut to swallow, but it happens to be the truth.

you should have dumped her

So after getting your head bashed in, you went off and considered your options. You don’t
have any options here, West. The only option you have is “Adios, baby!” And it’s not really
an option, because an option implies two or more choices.

West was never a Challenge…

But you did arrive at that very conclusion on your own: You have to dump Sydney.
Congratulations! Perfect! You hit it right on the head. But you have it backward, pal, about
what led you to that solution. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “That wasn’t your brain
talking -- that was your Intuition talking.”

You’re right: Your gut has never let you down. Your gut is telling you right now that this isn’t
a good deal, but due to your sky-high Interest Level, you want to believe it’s one thing when
it’s really another. Your gut is telling you that Sydney should have “DANGER!” tattooed on
her forehead. Then maybe the truth would sink in.

But what did you do? You went and forgave her instead. Very disappointing, my friend.
Worse, you two want to work on a “better relationship.” Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
says, “What is she doing, taking Loyalty and Trust classes?”

she’s not the problem

The problem isn’t that you’re talking to Sydney less, Westie. You’re the problem here
because you were too available and you put this girl on a pedestal and she got bored. Women
with Interest Levels in the 90s are never bored for some reason. But when Interest Level is
55%, you’re on very shaky ground. And here you’re talking about what a great writer I am
and all the wonderful stuff I’ve given you, and it’s gone in one eyeball and out the other!

Finally, you tell me that Sydney’s Interest Level has dropped inexplicably. What is that,
Russian for “two other guys”?

you don’t understand challenge

You have no clue about the concept of Challenge, dude. None. Zero. Zilch. Nada. You never
were a Challenge, West. The whole idea is to make her think you have no interest in her.

What you’re trying to say here is that Sydney’s going to fall in love with your high Interest
Level. But what she really doesn’t like is that you’re the opposite of a Challenge. Are you
sure you read my columns?

Guys, when you’re out, you have to back off. Otherwise, you’re nothing but a chump. Or a
stalker.

Remember, guys: When you’re losing ground, you have to disappear.

Doc Love: She Has Issues

Hey Doc,

For starters, I think that your advice is nothing short of pure genius. It’s always a pleasure to
read anything you’ve written.

she’s jealous and cruel

I’ve been dating Kimberly for about 20 months now. We’ve been relatively happy with each
other and we seem to have a lot of good chemistry. But there are some pervasive problems in
our relationship. Kimberly has a jealous streak that is unbearable. There was an incident
recently that resulted in her almost slitting my throat over a close female friend getting “too
close” to me. Afterward, she chalked it up to her “woman’s intuition,” which is her excuse to
get nasty with me.

Other problem areas include her family. They fight with each other venomously all the time
and her mom goes as far as to use me as a weapon against Kimberly. Now her brother, whom
I haven’t met yet, is living at home with them again, and I am worried that he is going to
become another person that I have to fight with for Kimberly’s attention. Worst of all, every
time a fight starts between us over something trivial, it follows a fight with her family (even
if a few days have gone by).

she even admits i can do better

Kimberly is always telling me that she’s a burden to me, that I deserve better and that there
are better girls out there for me. Being a Psych major, I know that she is looking for me to
come out and say that I want to be with her and no one else, but it seems that this is never
good enough to keep her happy. Not too long ago, she told me that if I found someone I liked
better, it would be OK for me to leave her. But recently, as a joke, I mentioned breaking up
and she was really freaked out by that.

I have been spending a lot of time brooding over the things that frustrate me in this
relationship, so I have become kind of sour toward Kimberly. Despite the fact that we have
been pretty happy together, I am wondering if I should stay with this girl who can be sweet
sometimes, bitter at others, and then pull a complete 180 and tell me how I should leave her
and that she is unworthy of me. I just want to know if it’s time to jump ship or if I should try
to weather the storm? Any thoughts?

Bruton - who’s lost in Chicago

doc love’s answer

Hi Bruton,

Thanks for the compliments on my work. I just hope that you’re memorizing what I write and
then doing it.

There are always going to be problems in relationships; the question is: How deep are they
and how often do they come up? Think about it: If she flips out every time you leave the toilet
seat up, do you really want to live with that for the rest of your life?

I disagree that Kimberly’s jealous streak is unbearable. You’re still with her, aren’t you? If it
were truly unbearable, you would have left by now.

Find out what Doc Love thinks this girl is all about...

she’s insecure
Here’s what a normal woman would have said to herself when she saw another girl hitting on
you: “Gee, look at that girl trying to rip me off. But guess what? Bruton is taking me home
tonight in his car. And she won’t be there. This girl can try anything she wants, because I
know that Bruton really digs me.”

But that’s not what Kimberly did. No, she was ready to behead you for glancing in this other
babe’s direction. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You got a real wild thang there, pal. I just
hope you’re man enough to handle her.”

she’s immature
The sad part of this situation is that the only thing Kimberly looked at was her “woman’s
intuition,” because she’s twisting the meaning of those words. If she were really attuned to
her female intuition, she would have said to herself, “Don’t be jealous, Kim, Bruton’s with
you.”
Dude, if Kimberly’s home is a boxing ring, stay out of there. You don’t have to fight for her
attention. All you have to do is call her up and make a date to have her meet you -- someplace
else. Every time you go to the house, you have a problem with psycho Dad and psycho Mom,
so why hang around there? To you Psych majors, if the place is a rattlesnake pit, don’t jump
into it. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “With all this battling, it sounds to me like you
and Kimberly have a real healthy relationship, man.”

get out of there

But Kimberly is giving you an out. Heck, even she knows she’s a burden to you, and she’s
practically begging you to leave. She’s telling you she’s screwed up, and as this column says,
WOMEN DON’T LIE and MEN DON’T LISTEN, THEY DON’T SEE and THEY DON’T
PAY ATTENTION. What more do you need, pal? Are you going to wait around until things
get really dangerous?

And she claims you deserve better. Wrong. You don’t deserve better, Bruton. You deserve
pain. That’s why you’re still with Kimberly.

But you actually think your girl is so generous that she wants you to find someone new. Is
that your intuition talking too? She’s not really telling you that you deserve to be with
someone better, though. The girl’s looking for a Challenge, not someone who’s pressuring
her. And you say you read my articles? Are you sure about that?

Should Bruton stay with this chick or what?

When I hear from a girl that if I find someone better I can leave her, it really makes me feel
great! And of course something like that speaks volumes about her Interest Level in you. Do
women with high Interest Level really want you in the arms of another woman? What you’re
not seeing is that Kimberly’s not freaked out by the two of you breaking up -- she wants you
out.

“relatively happy” is not happy

You’re sour all right, Bruton, but not sour enough to drop Kimberly. Actually, you insist that
you’ve been pretty happy together. Come again? What am I missing here? Going out with
this girl is like tiptoeing through a minefield, her family is the psycho family from hell, and
you’re on cloud nine? You must like skydiving without a backup chute too. The best part of
all this is that you’re a Psych major! Like the great Doctor Freud said, “I won’t be referring
anyone to you for treatment.”

she’s not the one

So don’t do anything drastic like break up with Kimberly, Bruton. Like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says, “If you take enough drugs whenever you’re with this girl, you’ll be fine.”
My friend, are you sure you majored in psychology? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
“Remind me not to send my children to your school!”

Remember, guys: Never go out with someone who has more problems than you do.

Flirting With Married Women

Hey Doc,

I need some advice.

I’ve known Marilyn for 11 years. We used to work together until she transferred to another
department. She knew I liked her when I gave her chocolates for Valentine’s Day. I also
would remember her birthday and give her roses. When her mother was suffering with
cancer, I was there for her as well. When she passed away, I took flowers to her grave.

After this gesture, Marilyn said she adored me. I told her it was bittersweet when she
transferred. She asked why and I told her that I’d always liked her, but since she’d
transferred, I’d probably just have to forget about her.

she dropped the m-bomb

When I got through telling her this, Marilyn said she was speechless. She said that she was
married, which I didn’t know, and that it would not be good for us to have any kind of
relationship. She said she just wanted to be friends with me. But she did admit that she also
thought about me and that she felt like a schoolgirl when she did. She said that if she hadn’t
been married, maybe it would have been different between us. I told her I understood.

But after this confrontation, she began giving me mixed signals. When she visited my
department, she’d knock on the door and tell me she came to visit her boyfriend -- me! Now
here’s a girl who knows I like her very much and she continues to look for me. Some time
later, Marilyn said she was going to be working in my department for three weeks and asked
if I wanted to ride the train to and from work with her. She told me how sweet I was, and that
we should get together for lunch.

what does she want?

If Marilyn knows that I’m interested in her, why would she put me in this spot?

Doc, please help. Does Marilyn just want a friendship or does she really want a relationship?

Powell - who’s confused about her motives

doc love’s answer
Hi Powell,

Let me ask you a question: Why isn’t Marilyn giving you chocolates on Valentine’s Day? Or
any other day, for that matter?

This is one of the biggest problems men have with women: They never think that they should
be on the receiving end of some goodies once in a while. I’m sure that you took flowers to her
mom’s grave, Powell, and it was very nice of you. But I have to ask you this: When you’re
around Marilyn, are you usually dressed in a butler’s uniform?

Hey, Marilyn should adore you, because you’re very good to her. But I don’t hear a thing
about what Marilyn’s doing for you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, “Dude --
what about her Interest Level?”

How could Powell not know she was married after 11 years?

When you delivered your sappy ultimatum about having to forget about her when she was
transferred, you were lying, pal -- you were about to go out and commit suicide over her and
you know it. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Come on, boy. You know you’re a weakling.”

Then you found out the stunning news that Marilyn was hitched. In other words, you’ve been
fawning over a woman for 11 years, and in all that time, it never came out that she was
married? And you never checked? Wow. This girl should be a mole for President Putin.
She’s very good at keeping secrets. Like my cousin General Love would say, “You sure
she’s not ex-KGB?”

she’s off-limits
When she said that you two couldn’t have a relationship, it showed that at least she has a little
class. And if she actually used the word “schoolgirl,” she must really dig you. But you know
who I really feel sorry for here? Her old man. She’s running around having crushes on men
and the poor dope is clueless. But the bottom line is this: She’s off-limits. Like my cousin
Brother Love down in Watts says, “What do you think you’re doing, bro? This babe is
MARRIED!”

When Marilyn continues to look for you whenever she’s in your department, she’s just
playing with your head, my friend. Notice that she chases after you at work where she’s safe?
She’s not coming on to you in a bar, and she’s not coming on to you in her living room
dressed in Victoria’s Secret lingerie either. She’s completely insulated when she’s in the
middle of 200 other people, so she just comes over and fools around with you the way a cat
toys with a mouse. Whenever she has an argument with her husband, she shows up and gets a
little charge out of watching you get all wound up. Then she feels better.
don’t be her toy
The most pathetic thing is that Marilyn knows you’re either desperate enough or dumb
enough -- or both -- to keep letting her pull this act on you.

So, Marilyn asked you out to lunch? Gee -- not only did you forget she has a husband, she
forgot she has a husband, too! I’m telling you, Powell, you’re playing with fire here. As my
cousin Rabbi Love would say, “My son, this is very bad karma.”

This girl’s a loon, Powell. A loon. As in L-O-O-N. She’s way off the deep end. She has high
Interest Level in you, but she has no Integrity. Is she loyal to her husband? No, she’s not.
What does that say about her? Until she gets the divorce papers, she’s not available. She
doesn’t seem to realize that. (And by the way, she’s showing no signs whatsoever of getting
divorce papers!)

forget she exists

And here’s something else to think about: How do you know you’re the only guy out of
three billion that she’s playing this little head game with? As my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love
says, “What makes you think you’re so special, dog?”

Powell, Marilyn doesn’t want a relationship or a friendship with you. She wants a yo-yo.
And you are the string.

Remember, guys: Until she gets the divorce papers, she’s off-limits.

Dating Your Ex's Friend

Hey Doc,

I was involved in a relationship for four years with my ex, Terri. Things ended on a sour
note, but I guess they always do, don’t they?

his girlfriend cheated on him

What happened was that Terri cheated on me, so I put an end to it. I later found out that she
cheated on me another time as well. At the end, I was trying so hard to make it work that it
was extremely tiring. Who wants to be in a relationship when your partner cheated on you,
right?

About a month or so after our breakup, I started to pick up some heavy vibes coming from
one of our mutually close friends, Vanessa. Even when I was with my ex, I always felt that
Vanessa was interested in me, but I didn’t feel right doing anything about it since she and my
ex were tight friends.

i started seeing her friend

Well, it’s been about two months now and I’ve been seeing Vanessa occasionally. She’s ready
to move into a heavy relationship with me as soon as I say the word. Things couldn’t be better
between us, but the problem is that my ex has been calling me, telling me that she is sorry
about what happened, that she never meant to hurt me, and that she wants to work on being
friends again so that we can be back to where we once were.

Terri wants me to end things with Vanessa. To make it even more interesting, Vanessa wants
me to stop talking to or seeing my ex.

both girls are pressuring me

Can it really work with someone who was a mutual friend of a guy and his ex-girlfriend? Or
are there too many issues to ever make the transition smoothly? I have a lot of things in
common with Vanessa, but my ex was a big part of me. On the other hand, why should I care
about someone who nearly destroyed me?

If I let Vanessa go now, there might never be a chance of rekindling it with her. At the same
time, I’m concerned that our connections to my ex might be too much and that her memory
will be hovering over both of us forever.

Doc, what would you do if you were in my position?

Pepper - who doesn’t know if he can overcome the past

doc love’s answer

Hi Pepper,

It’s interesting that you say things always end on a sour note because the goal of "The
System" is to have a woman want to keep you for the rest of her life. And now that people
are living into their 70s, 80s and 90s, that’s a very long time and you’re bound to get bored to
death with someone. To you Psych majors, you have to always be on top of your game if you
expect to keep her in love with you forever and not end on a sour note at least once in your
life.

always break up with cheaters

Nevertheless, it was you who ended the relationship with Terri. Great. Perfect. According to
my cousin Rabbi Love, “You did the right thing, my son. And I hope you’re dating lots of
other women.”

Find out if Doc Love thinks Pepper should get serious with his ex's friend...

never try to make it work

What were you trying to make work at the end? Your relationship with Terri was busted.
There was nothing to make work. The contract between you and her is null and void. It’s
finished. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Once the woman cheats, it’s
finito, bro.” But most guys are weak and will give women another shot at screwing with their
heads. For your sake, I hope you’re not a Wimpus Americanus, Pepper.

you deserve to date her friend

Dude, I’m happy you picked up heavy vibes from Vanessa. You deserve something good
after being betrayed by someone you trusted for years. As my cousin Fast Eddie Love would
say, “Isn’t revenge sweet?” And she and your ex were as tight as twins? That’s even more
reason to go after Vanessa!

Pepper, it’s not a problem at all that your ex is calling and begging to talk to you. Actually,
it’s predictable. Just don’t pick the phone up and don’t call her back. End of problem.

your ex is not worth your time

Remember, man, Terri is only telling you about two guys she fooled around with. Like my
cousin General Love says, “Hopefully she wasn’t playing with the entire battalion when you
weren’t looking.”

Vanessa’s right. You shouldn’t be talking to or seeing Terri. She’s ancient history and she’s
bad for your head. So make the break, Pepper. Tell your ex that Vanessa and you have
something great going, that you don’t want it messed with, and that you and she had a good
run, but it’s over. Then, it’s thank you and goodbye.

figure out why your ex cheated

But you have another problem here, buddy. You have to figure out how you turned your ex
off, because you don’t want it to happen again. You have to figure out why Terri came to hate
and resent you so much that she couldn’t wait to be with another man. Did you try to turn her
into your mommy? How much of a Challenge were you, Pepper? Or were you smothering
Terri like a blanket until she ran screaming into another man’s arms?
Find out what Pepper should do for a successful relationship with Vanessa...

Of course it can work out between you and Vanessa. Terri and Vanessa are squabbling over
you because, as my book says, “Kitty Kats Kompete.” But there won’t be any problems with
Vanessa as long as you keep her Interest Level up in the 90s like it is now. When she stops
fawning over you, then you’re in trouble.

forget your ex
Your ex might have been a big part of you, but as you just said, she’s your EX. As in ADIOS.
As in OVER. As in DONE. It goes without saying that you don’t want someone destroying
you, but the better question is: Why should you care about someone you can’t trust?

So feel free to make a go of it with Vanessa, Pepper. Don’t worry about whose ghost is
hovering over you. You’ve been reading too many psychology books -- that’s your problem.

get it on with her friend

What would I do if I were in your position, pal? I’d fall in love with Vanessa. But make sure
you know what you’re doing this time around. Because you only get one shot.

Remember, guys: If she strays, don’t give her a second chance to do it again.

Don't Ask Her Out Too Soon

Hey Doc,

In the first place, let me commend you on the exceptional contribution you are making to
men’s lives. Luckily, I came into contact with your knowledge and wisdom six years ago, and
I’ve watched myself evolve from the typical pathetic Wimpus Americanus to a man who is
successful with women. Still, after almost seven years, I know there is much more work ahead
because your techniques require constant refinement to face the daily war we have to wage
when it comes to women.

she’s beautiful
Currently, I’m one semester away from completing my law degree, and I’m practicing at the
legal aid clinic of my school. Almost all cases at the clinic must be worked on by the students.
One of the students is Monique, who is extremely reserved, mysterious and always by herself.
She also happens to be the most beautiful girl in school. She has a long line of guys without
backbones acting like pet monkeys trying to “score” with her, trying to get her attention,
drooling over her, killing each other for her, etc. Count me out of that pack. For several
months, I have limited myself to being well-mannered and respectful to her, but nothing
more. I haven’t made the slightest effort to get her attention.

Lately, Monique has been sending me very subtle signals of interest. All of a sudden, she’s
calling me to discuss strategies for cases or asking me to walk her somewhere. Above all, her
body language is very positive. Occasionally, she touches my arm and calls me at home to
talk about school.

she turned me down

Since she was sending these subtle signs, I decided to ask her out for lunch. She declined the
invitation because she said she was too busy with school, but that we could go after the
semester ends. Of course, that was woman-speak for a big NO. 10 minutes later, as we were
about to hang up, she said, “Don’t forget.” Meaning “don’t forget about my invitation for
lunch.”

My first thought was that I was being played for a fool. What do you think, Doc? Should I
play along with Monique or should I flush her number?

Lester - who’s completely clueless on this one

doc love’s answer

Hi Lester,

In that one powerful phrase -- “the daily war we have to wage with women” -- you’ve said it
all right there, my friend. Because until the woman decides that you’re the greatest thing since
the hamburger, you’re going to be running the gauntlet against a tribe of angry Mohawks.
And remember what my cousin General Love always says: “Soldier, don’t ever forget that
dating is a battlefield where the bloody carcasses of many good men have been left for dead.”

Is Lester a goner? Find out...

It’s nothing short of admirable that you didn’t join the pack of monkeys losing their marbles
over this dead ringer for Brooke Burke. By not lifting a finger to get Monique’s attention, you
did everything right -- so far. But like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Hey, this is a
Beautiful Woman -- it’s just a matter of time before you get yourself into hot water.”

Because you’re really no match for this creature, buddy, you have to be on top of your
game at all times. I hope you memorized my book like you’re supposed to. Otherwise, you
may as well forget about it and stay with your law books.

you were doing everything right

And it was wonderful that Monique asked you to be her bodyguard around the school
corridors. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “At least she doesn’t have you doing her
homework for her.” If she didn’t want you to walk with her, then she’d be just using you as a
tutor. But so far, it looks good.

It’s fabulous that Monique called to talk to you about school. This is exactly the way you
want to keep it, too. To you Psych majors, you want her coming on to you at all times. Don’t
ask her out -- just keep her coming at you and coming at you and coming at you. You have
all the time in the world, Lester. You’re not in any hurry. You’re not like all those other
chimpanzees who can’t control themselves and throw themselves at Monique. In fact, the
reason she gravitated toward you in the first place is because you were the only law student
who showed a scintilla of Self-Control in her presence. I hope you realize that, Lester. And I
hope you don’t forget it.

you shouldn’t have asked her out

So everything was perfect up to a certain point. But then you unraveled. You lost it. Instead of
waiting Monique out like a real Challenge, you went and asked her out to lunch. Mistake.
MASSIVE MISTAKE. She should have asked you out to lunch. Like my cousin Doctor Freud
once said, “When you’re dealing with a ‘10,’ you have be as crafty as she is gorgeous.”

Well, dude, she turned you down. And you know what that means.

If there’s a good part here, it’s that Monique asked you twice to call her back. Ideally, a date
should have been set right on the spot. If Monique had said, “Let’s make it Wednesday at
seven,” that would have been the best thing. But essentially, she told you to back off. Since
she told you twice to call her back, though, she gets credit for a counteroffer.

there’s still hope

And here’s something else, Les. You’re going to be hustling other phone numbers from all
kinds of other women. You’re not going to wait for this one girl to fall in love with you. If
somebody else grabs you first, Monique is out.

Are you being played for a fool? It’s possible. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts
says, “When you’re foolin’ with a Beautiful Woman, you don’t know where the punch is
comin’ from.”

But on the other hand, what’s the risk here? You’ll make a one-minute phone call when the
semester ends and find out whether the girl is sincere or she’s toying with you like she toyed
with all the others. But at least you got further along with Monique than those apes did.

enjoy the chase

You should play along with this girl because hopefully she’s playing along with you. And if
she’s playing straight with you, then you’ll move forward together.

Remember, guys: It’s always better when she chases you.

She Has Baggage

Hey Doc,

What’s your opinion of “damaged goods”? I guess the smartest move is to never get involved
in the first place, but what if you don’t know that going in?

I dated Samantha, a great girl with some heavy baggage, for just over a year. She’s had some
terrible things happen to her, and some of them involved me. (I won’t go into specifics
because I know that your column is G-rated.)

Anyway, she kept waffling on our relationship, wanting it but unable to fully commit to it.
Each time that happened, I pulled back and told her to give me a call when she figured herself
out. After a few days, she would. This back-and-forth went on for a while. She would get
really into it, talk about marriage, wanting to have kids, and all that stuff. But I wanted the
relationship to prove stable before I moved into any of those areas.

i walked away
Finally, things unraveled and I walked. I cut Samantha out of my life cold turkey. But she
kept calling. I was heartless -- I just completely ignored her. After about five months, we ran
into each other, went for coffee, and rekindled it. I was still angry at her and wasn’t as kind
as I should’ve been. She hung in, giving me gifts and telling me she loved me.

Two weeks later, I ran into Samantha at a party when she was with another guy. We talked a
couple of days later and she said that despite what some of her friends thought was best, she
was choosing me. Here’s where I finally gave in. We spent a week together talking about the
future and having kids and planning holidays, and then she called me to say she was scared
and that she couldn’t do it. She said she needed to get professional help for her head.

she did it again

Doc, I don’t get it. I thought I was over Samantha and doing well, but I saw something in her
recently that was better than before, and I really thought I could give it a shot. Is this just
because I saw her with some other guy? Am I being an idiot? What’s my play here? I don’t
want to open myself to getting punched in the gut, but I think about Samantha a lot and
wonder if we should be together.
How can I keep things light and fun if there’s all this heavy baggage around? Should I just let
Samantha go?

Rupert - who doesn’t know if he can go through it again

doc love’s answer

Hi Rupert,

You said it’s the “smartest move to not get involved in the first place.” It’s ironic that in
practically the first line of your letter, you already have your answer. Amazing, isn’t it?

No one knows about all the baggage a woman is carrying going into a relationship. But if
you’ve memorized my principles, you will recognize problems -- RED FLAGS -- a lot sooner
so you can get out quicker. To you Psych majors, make your mistakes quickly so you don’t
waste your time down the line!

The point is this, pal: We’re all human beings, which means we’re not perfect. Everybody has
scars. Everybody has baggage. But some people for some reason want to rub it in the face of
their partners. And that’s the problem with heavy baggage -- it keeps rearing its ugly head.

Is Samantha crazy?

what’s her interest level?

So you’ve got a “waffler” on your hands with Samantha. Let me ask you a question, my
friend: Do women with 95% Interest Level in a guy ever waffle? Talk about doublespeak!

When you told Samantha to call you when she figured herself out, you finally did something
right. That was beautiful. It’s exactly what Humphrey Bogart would have done.

When she stopped calling you, though, it meant that she just finally got tired of harassing you.
She didn’t really change her mind about her inconsistent feelings. This girl’s still nuts, man.
When she goes back and forth with you like a yo-yo, why do you answer the phone? Even
though she talks about all the right stuff, she’s a wacko. Hey, it makes a lot of sense that you
wanted the relationship to be stable before you got into marriage and kids with this nutcase.
Duh.

she likes being ignored

It was fantastic that you completely ignored Samantha after you cut her out of your life. But
when you happen to run into each other, you can’t be going for coffee like a couple of old
friends. Hanging out with a person who is poison for you is like giving a beer to a reformed
alcoholic. And of course that was your blunder.

I’m sure Samantha loves you, Rupert. But her Interest Level only reaches 100% when you
back off. Only when you’re a CHALLENGE does this girl go bananas for you, which means
that you’re pressuring her whenever you go back to her. So you’re leaving out a big part of
what’s going on here. When Samantha dangles a carrot in front of your nose, you don’t go
back in slowly and cautiously; you BARGE back in like a fullback for the St. Louis Rams.

you should have cut her off

When you spotted Samantha with that other guy, you should have turned around and walked
straight out of that joint. As soon as you set eyes on them, you should have left. And why in
the world were you talking to her a couple of days later? No communication, dude!
Remember: You’ve moved to North Dakota. The FBI is hiding you. You’re in the Witness
Protection Program. And this loony is talking to her girlfriends about you to boot. What do
they have to do with any of this?

You “finally” gave in at that point? Like my cousin General Love says, “If you were a
country, soldier, there’d be no more ground left to surrender.”

she’s just crazy

Gee, I’m shocked that Samantha said she was scared and couldn’t go through with your
mutual life plans. No, she protested, she needs a shrink. Like the great Doctor Freud once
said, “When a cuckoo tells you she’s cuckoo, you have to believe her!”

But after all this torture and torment, you insist you saw something better in Samantha this
time around. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Boy, you gotta lay off the Wild Turkey!” You
lost what little Self-Control you had left when you saw her with another guy, so that’s part of
what’s drawing you back. As my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You were thinking about
what they were doing in his car.”

don’t look back

Are you an idiot? I think that classification is too high for where you are on the Common
Sense Scale. What’s your play here? There’s an old saying in sales: “When it’s too hot in the
kitchen, get out.”

Don’t try to be a tough guy and hang in there, Rupert. Avoid this woman at all costs.

Let me tell you something: You’re going to get punched in the gut if you two should
happen to get together. You said it again yourself: You can’t keep it light and funny when
there’s all this heavy baggage around.
And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “You can’t let somebody go who’s already gone.”

Remember, guys: When you realize she’s a wack job, take a hike.

Get Her Number

Hey Doc,

I’ve had your book for a few months now, and I have to say that it’s helping me see the light
as far as women and dating go.

I’m interested in Valerie, a very attractive young woman in my psychology class. I noticed
her checking me out from the beginning, but I tried to remain a Challenge and waited until
she initiated a conversation with me one day after class. I kept it light and easy and teased
her. The conversation kept going, but -- I know, this was probably a mistake -- instead of
asking for her home phone number, I said, “Valerie, would you like to grab a cup of coffee
with me?” She said, “Right now?” and I answered, “Yes, let’s go to the Starbucks right down
the street.”

we went for coffee

So we went and drank coffee for 35 minutes. (I paid for the date, by the way). During these
35 minutes, she asked lots of personal questions like “What do you do?” “What are you
studying in college?” “Tell me about your family,” and so on. I saw all of these questions as
buying signals. However, Valerie did not touch me once during this impromptu coffee date.

My question to you is this: Should she have touched me during this date or does that only
apply to the first FULL date (restaurant and dancing and the like)?

i asked for her number

One more thing. I made the mistake -- due to anxiety and being new to your principles -- of
not asking for her home phone number after the date. The next time I saw her, I did ask for it,
however. Her answer was that she didn’t have a home phone. She then told me, “I have a cell
phone, though.” I then said, “I don’t want the cell phone, I want the HOME phone number,
the hardwired phone.” She asked for my cell phone number, but I refused to give it to her.

Was this the wrong thing to do? Your coaching is going to save my life, Doc.

Jay - who hopes he hasn’t ruined everything

doc love’s answer

Hi Jay,

Helping you to see the light is the whole idea behind my philosophy. In other words, when it
comes to women, I want to take you from a C-minus student to a solid straight-A student.

The good and the bad of Jay’s situation…

It’s great that Valerie initiated a conversation with you because when a girl does that, it
signifies incoming interest. To you Psych majors, when interest is incoming, you’re not being
rejected. And it’s beautiful, too, that you kept it light and funny and teased her -- that’s what
you’re supposed to do.

feel her out

What we’re trying to do is feel the girl out psychologically. We want to see if she wants to
play. If she doesn’t want to play, she’ll turn you down. With my techniques, you’re going to
discover in no uncertain terms when she wants to play and when she doesn’t.

Let’s move on to what I’ll call the fiasco of the phone number. I’ve been doing this -- helping
men -- for 35 years, Jay. Asking for the home phone number is my rock-bottom, number-one
principle. And here you’re trying to change it. If you’ve read my book even once, you can’t
not see that it instructs you again and again to ask for the home phone number.

But you insisted on deviating from the path. You told yourself, “I’ll do this and this and
this instead because Doc doesn’t know what the heck he’s doing and I do.” Now here you
are in trouble when you didn’t have to be.

you moved too fast

Let’s look at what you did. Guy, you should be waiting five to nine days to get the girl to
Starbucks. But because you’re not patient, you’re rushing things, like most men do. Big
mistake. Like my cousin General Love says, “Attacking before the time is right only invites
disaster.”

So, you think Valerie was sending you buying signals. Well, you got it half right, pal. The
other half of it is that she has weak Interest Level -- somewhere between 51% and 60% -- and
she wanted to flush you out right up front. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Lots
of girls will ask you questions -- it doesn’t mean they like you.” And by the way, when she
interrogated you, I hope you came back at her like Robin Williams and hit her with a stream
of one-liners.

you should have interviewed her

You’re the one who should have been asking her the majority of the questions, dude. And
what you tell me in your letter is that you didn’t dominate the questioning. You should have
been running the interview. And because of her mediocre Interest Level, she wasn’t going to
waste time with you, so she put you through the wringer. It’s called the hard interview. And
what verifies that she was doing the hard interview was that she didn’t touch you.

What Jay should have done about the phone number situation…

What it boils down to is this: You can’t sit with a girl who likes you and not have her tap your
arm. Valerie should have touched you. And if she didn’t bump you at Starbucks, she should
have said, “I had a very nice time -- please give me a call” when you walked her to the car.
And you would’ve called her one more time because she asked you to. And you would’ve
played it out from there.

it’s not looking good

But what actually did happen -- she didn’t touch you and she didn’t tell her to call you -- was
a red flag. So this doesn’t look strong, Jay.

And again, you didn’t ask for the home phone number. Pal, if I’d said to ask for the home
phone number just once in the Dating Dictionary, I could’ve understood that you forgot to do
it. But you have no excuse because I said it on every page.

When Valerie said she didn’t have a home phone number, you should have taken the cell
number. And then, when you went to her house to pick her up, you could have checked if
there was a hardwired phone. If you’d seen one hanging on the kitchen wall, you would have
known she was a liar and had no Integrity, and you would have dropped her. Like the great
Doctor Freud once said, “We have to collect evidence on this girl because we don’t want you
getting a loon.”

it’s too late

Jay, you blew this situation by arguing about which phone number to take. If they don’t have
a hardwired phone, you’re allowed to drop down. Let me tell you something, pal: There are
200 million cell phones in America. For some people, they are the only telephone.

So what do we have here? You didn’t take Valerie’s cell phone number and you refused to
give her yours. And you’ve had my book 60 days? I don’t know what you read, man. Maybe
you don’t really know how to read.

What you did was a horrible blunder. I don’t know if my coaching is going to save your life,
Jay. This one’s going to be real close.

Remember, guys: If you do all the wrong things, you’re going to lower her Interest Level.
Is Her Flirting Serious?

Hi Doc,

I met Julianne at work and I always thought we were just friends. I’m an airline pilot, by the
way, and she works at one of the airports I fly to on a regular basis. In the past, she talked
about her boyfriend and, from my experience, whenever a girl mentions her boyfriend it’s
another way of saying, “Don’t ask me out -- I’m already taken.”

Nevertheless, we’re both huge animal lovers and always talk about our pets whenever we see
each other. In the past month, the following things have happened that make me wonder if
Julianne wants to be more than just friends.

she seems interested

1- I bumped into one of her coworkers and he said that “Julianne absolutely loves you.
She loves the way you love animals so much.”

2- She has a pair of hedgehogs that are going to have a litter. She offered to give me one
and then, without my asking, gave me her phone number “in case I had any questions.”

3- One of my pilot friends who had just flown in from that airport said, “Julianne really
likes you. She says you’re her favorite pilot.”

4- She wants to go to a bear sanctuary in Utah and said, “Maybe you could come with me.”

5- Yesterday, she sent me an e-mail in which she said, “We should get married and build
a big house in the woods.”

she may just be a flirt

Keep in mind that we have never even been out together. I’m flattered by her attention, but
I’m wondering why she’s talking about getting married when we’ve never even been on a
date. The problem is that I’m really attracted to her and I’d like to get together with her.

In the past, I’ve never used "The System" to transition from being “just friends” to a
formal relationship with any girl. Doc, what do you think I should do? Thanks in advance
for your thoughts.

Valdemar - who doesn’t know how to read her

doc love’s answer

Hi Valdemar,

You might be right about what a woman means when she mentions her boyfriend. It might
indeed be a huge warning sign not to come near her, but there’s a second choice you haven’t
thought of: It could also mean: “Ask me out, bring me gifts, worship me, but I’m not leaving
him!”

Now let’s look at what happened that has you so confused.

When Julianne’s coworker relayed all of her compliments to you, you should have asked him,
“So, did you ask her out yet?”

And she wants to give you a hedgehog at no charge. What you have to realize is that this girl
is a veterinarian down deep, you just don’t know it. If you hooked up with her, you’d be
competing with raccoons and Great Danes for her attention for the rest of your life.

she has a big mouth

Then Julianne went and told your pilot friend that she thinks that you’re the greatest aviator
since Howard Hughes. She can’t seem to stop trumpeting how wonderful you are. According
to her, you’re the best thing since sausage pizza. Well, Valdemar, one thing we know for sure
about this girl is that she has a BIG mouth.

Find out what Doc Love really thinks about this Julianne chick...

Next, Julianne wants you to play Grizzly Man to her Grizzly Woman. Like my Uncle Jethro
Love says, “Can you imagine what a grizzly bear could do to your body if it got you alone?”

And there’s one last thing: Julianne wants to get married and build a house with you in the
wilderness. Whoa. Here’s your problem, pal. This girl’s coming on way too slow. Her buying
signals aren’t strong enough.

she might be crazy

Guys, you have to realize that there are lots of people walking around who are good,
upstanding Americans. They vote and they pay their taxes. They study very hard in school
and they never break the law. But they’re not long-term material.

Let’s look at what’s really happening here: Julianne is going from “just friends” straight to
the altar. And you two haven’t even had a first date? Did she even take a breath between those
two thoughts? Know what, Valdemar? This broad is crazy she's a L-O-O-N -- as in KOOK.
Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Where do you fellows find these girls?”

The good part is that you’re getting wads of buying signals here, my friend. But unfortunately
there’s a bad part. I know this will be hard for you guys to take, but this is an advanced class:
You have TOO many buying signals.

she’s not relationship material

This girl’s got low self-esteem; she’s needy; she can’t keep her mouth shut. Like my cousin
Brother down in Watts says, “Bro, you can’t live with this kind of girl.”

Julianne can think about love, but I don’t want her acting on it. I want her to practice
some Self-Control instead of spilling all over the place.

What should you do, Valdemar? You’ve got a plane, right? You should fly it to Katmandu.

she’ll bring you trouble

You may not see it clearly now, but this babe is trouble. She has the right Interest Level, but
when it comes to the Baggage and Scar Division, she’s on the board of directors. My little
sister wouldn’t give a guy this many buying signals. She might tell one coworker she likes a
guy, but not two or three. And she certainly wouldn’t blab to everyone that she wants to go up
on a mountain and run around with grizzly bears. And here’s something else: Like my cousin
Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You have to wonder how many other turkeys she tells this to.”

she’s just too much

Julianne’s not leading you on, buddy. But she’s a whack job. To you Psych majors,
everything this girl is doing is overdone. It’s out of balance. She’s hitting you with way too
much too soon. And like the great Doctor Freud once said, “It means that between her ears
something isn’t wired right.”

On the other hand, maybe she’s been in the woods too long. Or as my cousin Fast Eddie Love
would say, “You ran out of coke.”

Remember, guys: If they come on too strong too fast, you’re going to pay for it later.

Dealing With Her Abusive Past

Hey Doc,

I’ve gone out with Maureen three times now; she is 40, beautiful and intelligent. I have
consistently been a Challenge and a gentleman. She touches me 20-plus times every date and
I get a very, very long -- and very, very nice -- goodnight kiss from her each time. She grabs
my arm when we walk and initiates 80% of the phone calls between us. I call her only to ask
her out.

Each time we go out, I interview Maureen and I try to delve deeper into her past. Here’s the
red flag I see: Her father was very controlling and her ex-husband and other boyfriends were
abusive Macho Boys. She even dropped the comment (regarding her exes) that they were
“men just like my father.”

i’m concerned
Now this is the complete opposite of how I treat Maureen. She told me that she was planning
on getting a breast augmentation, and that her last boyfriend didn’t want her to do it because
he said enough men look at her as it is and she didn’t need any more gawkers. Her response
was that in the past she lived to please others, but now she is living for herself. But then she
added, “Enrique, you’ll have to keep me on track because I could fall back pretty easily into
my old patterns.”

So Doc, here are my concerns:

 Being subservient and dominated is Maureen’s comfort zone.

 She may not be used to the respect and space I give her.
 I am not here to “raise” a woman -- I’m already a father. Maureen will have
to straighten her life out on her own.

I’ll continue to go out with her and see what I can learn. But Doc, is a Challenge strong
enough to defeat the demons in Maureen’s past?

Enrique - who’s already on guard

doc love’s answer

Hi Enrique,

When you first interviewed Maureen, did you ask her whether any of her exes ever actually
raised his hand to her? And when she dropped that curious comment about her father, you
should have said, “And did your dad ever hit you?” If you had, you’d know a little more
clearly what you’re dealing with here.

So, how should you deal with a girl with an abusive past?

be supportive
When Maureen mentioned that she wanted to go for cosmetic surgery, her ex-boyfriend gave
her the wrong reason for staying away from it. Everyone wants to look and feel better about
themselves, and he should have been supportive. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says,
“That guy’s an idiot.”

I hope that you congratulated Maureen on her decision to make herself look better and finally
live for herself, and that you were totally supportive of her. And like my Uncle Jethro Love
says, “Then you watch her like a hawk!”

When she told you that you have to keep her from falling back into her old emotional
patterns, you should have said, “Honey -- PIECE OF CAKE!” Then you should have given
her a kiss -- and kept right on watching her like a hawk.

maureen’s issues
Let’s take a look at your specific concerns about this woman.

It’s a half-truth that Maureen’s comfort zone is doing the perfect imitation of a doormat. To
you Psych majors, if this babe were really happy about being trampled on, she wouldn’t be
complaining about her exes and she certainly wouldn’t be leaving the bozos. But that’s
exactly what she does, isn’t it? So she really doesn’t like them, and she doesn’t like being
abused.

Enrique, if Maureen’s not really comfortable with the respect and space you give her, you’re
going to have to date her for a long, long time before you talk about stuff like marriage and
kids. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “She must be proven clinically sane before you
even think of taking her home to meet mom.”

here’s what you do

Of course, Maureen is going to have to do things for herself. But here’s the point: If you like
this woman -- and again, you only have three dates in with her -- you’re going to have to
watch for whether any of these troublesome symptoms rear their heads when she’s with you.

It’s one thing if a boyfriend and girlfriend scream and yell at each other once in a while. And
it’s OK for someone to scream and yell at her dad once in a while. But it’s an entirely
different matter if the men in Maureen’s life actually struck her or worse. And if they did,
you have to find out whether she hung around for a second beating -- assuming she had a
choice, that is. If you can coax that information out of her, then you’re going deep, my friend.
That’s what you should have added to your interview. Like I always tell you guys, you have
to be a love detective to compete in this arena.

Enrique gets more guidance from Doc...

Continuing to go out with Maureen and trying to learn everything you can about her is perfect
-- it’s all you can do with any woman. And in your case, pal, the good thing is that you’ve
already gotten a good deal of information out of her, so you’re doing OK so far.
Challenge can work with Maureen, dude. But like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “It depends on
how deep and how messy her problems are.”

get her interest level up

As you know, I’m not a psychiatrist (thank God). So instead of analyzing Maureen, what I
want you to do is date her 10 times and get her Interest Level solidly into the 90s. Up until
now, with three dates under your belt, things look pretty great. But if you’ve read "The
System," you know that you shouldn’t count anything until you’re 10 dates in.

If you make it that far, you’re going to date her for another 21 months. During that time,
you’re going to see her probably three times a week, and you’re going to take her into every
possible social situation and you’re going to keep an eye on her. You have to be around her
when she’s really tired and observe what she does, and how she acts when she runs out of
patience. When people run out of patience with life, some of them snap, some swear, some
get quiet. So you’re going to see how Maureen reacts to different stimuli in the environment.
If she maintains an even keel through the good and the bad, she’s a keeper. Like my cousin
General Love says, “You can’t afford to have any nuts in the foxhole.”

Finally, guy, there is a certain group of women who don’t like Cary Grants. For some
perverse reason, these chicks like getting pushed around. And you can’t help them no matter
what you do, and you certainly can’t force them to love you.

But so far, Maureen sounds OK. If I were you, I’d continue to go out with her until she drops
the ball. Maybe you’ll get lucky and she won’t.

Remember, guys: There are no clean deals.

She Won't Call Back

Hey Doc,

I read "The System" and regularly read your columns and you have really helped me
understand the game of relationships better. So, thanks for everything.

Last week I ran into Marla, who, years ago, was married to a former coworker of mine. I
remember her being flirty with me back then, but she was married (she’s now divorced) and I
had a girlfriend, so it ended right there.

Anyway, I kept the conversation short and got her phone number. I waited six days to call
her. When we talked, she told me she was really busy that week since she’s working two jobs,
one
as a nurse and the other at a jewelry shop. It was the holidays, so I bought her story about her
busy schedule and she told me she would see what her schedule was like the next week and
“call me back.” I was disappointed, but I told her that I understood and said goodbye.

is she interested?
Doc, what do you think Marla’s Interest Level is? She didn’t mention a boyfriend, made it
clear to me that she was divorced, and was very quick to give me her phone number when I
asked. I had high hopes for this one because she seems like a real sweetheart, and I like that
she works and is independent.

I doubt she’ll call back. I’m thinking of waiting a few weeks to give it one more shot. If she
doesn’t call me back or if I get another excuse without a solid counteroffer, I’ll just cut my
losses and move on.

What do you think, Doc?

Henny - who can’t make out where she’s coming from

doc love’s answer

Hi Henny,

First of all, this little thing didn’t end all those years ago because you had a girlfriend. And I
have to point something out to you -- at the time you met, the lovely Marla was a married
woman who was flirting with a guy who had a girlfriend.

If you’ve read my book closely, you’ll remember that one-third of "The System" is comprised
of the principle of INTEGRITY. Was Marla being faithful to her ex-husband when she was
making eyes at you? What was her level of Integrity when she was still legally hitched? To
you Psych majors, CAN YOU TRUST THIS WOMAN? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
“Is it any wonder she got divorced?”

What’s going on in Marla’s head?

she’s talking womanese

When a woman uses the phrase “real busy,” you have to pull out your dictionary because
she’s using Womanese. And what it means is that her Interest Level is probably floating
around 40% and 49%. Think about it, pal. You mean this babe can’t find one hour
somewhere in her week to meet you (when there’s 168 hours in a week!), the guy she’s going
to fall in love and have triplets with? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Think she’d
be ‘too busy’ for Brad Pitt?”
When Marla said she’d check her schedule and call you back, you should have come right
back with: “Since your schedule is heavy and it’s the holidays, let me get back to you some
other time, OK? It’ll be easier that way.” Then you hang up. Because once you said that you
sympathized with her and showed that you understood her situation, you gave up your power
and you gave up control of the situation. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “The reason
you feel powerless now is because you decided to wait for her next move.”

Actually, you only thought you understood this girl, Henny. What you actually didn’t
understand was that Marla’s Interest Level is anemic -- somewhere in the 40s. That’s what
you didn’t get.

so what’s she thinking?

What is Marla’s Interest Level now? It’s in the sink, swirling, dude. She didn’t mention a
boyfriend, but why should she? If she can keep a bunch of turkeys on the line, why wouldn’t
she? I admit that some girls -- the ones with some degree of Integrity -- are upfront about their
boyfriends and husbands, but by no means are all of them.

My friend, I’m sorry to hear that you were nursing high hopes for Marla. But you shouldn’t
have had high hopes for anything, especially a girl that you haven’t had 10 dates with. Are
you sure you read my book?

But you insist that Marla “seems like a sweetheart.” Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says,
“You been smoking anything?” Because this girl is a complete stranger that you happened to
spend a few minutes with! Like my cousin General Love says, “Come on, soldier, get your
head out of the clouds -- it’s dangerous when you’re out there on the battlefield!”

she probably won’t call

We don’t give a damn about the fact that Marla’s independent and she works. Naomi
Campbell happens to be independent and employed too, in case you haven’t noticed. Henny,
all we care about is the girl’s Interest Level. All the other stuff like independence and money
comes in second and third in importance.

One thing you’re right about though is that you don’t know whether or not Marla’s going to
call you back, but the Reality Factor says that most of the time they don’t. And when they say
the word “schedule,” you guys who’ve read my book know what that word means in
Womanese.

You’re thinking about waiting a few weeks to give it another shot? Like my cousin Brother
Love down in Watts says, “Bro, I think you should wait until about 10 minutes before
Armageddon before giving it another shot!”

It’s great that you’re going to cut your losses and move on, but the sad fact is that there’s
nothing to cut and nothing to move on from.

What do I think you should do? I think you should spend more time studying "The System."

Remember, guys: When you go out with a stranger, don’t give her too much credit.

Dating Outside Your Culture

Hey Doc,

First, I’d like to say thank you for the help that you are giving to all of us guys who are
having problems with the opposite sex.

Kareena is an Indian girl I work with very closely at my job. I make her laugh, and she
touches me often, but I didn’t know how to close with her because we are from different
cultures. (I’m black, by the way.) I remember that you said to be careful when dating people
from different cultures because lots of times the girl’s parents decide who they want their
daughter to end up with.

i asked for her number

Well, today I finally did close. I asked for Kareena’s home phone number and without
hesitation she gave it to me. But as you say, just because you get a woman’s phone number
doesn’t mean that she has a high Interest Level. It could be that Kareena doesn’t know how to
say no, and she was just trying to be nice to me because she has to work with me every day.

Now I know that in "The System" you say to wait a week before calling a girl for a date. But
my problem is that I see this young lady just about every day, so how would I go about
scheduling a date with her? Also, how can I be a Challenge when I see her so often? One
more thing: Should I call her beforehand to find out whether her father will mind her dating
someone from a different ethnic background?

she’s very quiet

Kareena is quiet, which is also a bit of a problem. I know that you say that women help you
when they like you. When I talk to her, Kareena is rather reserved, though she does help me
some with the conversation. Do you think this is good or should I be thankful that she isn’t
always yakking?

Anything you can tell me will help.

Biff - who finds himself treading lightly

doc love’s answer
Hi Biff,

First of all, I appreciate your compliment. Before we go on to your questions, let me say
something: Some guys out there are doing 90% of everything right when it comes to women,
while some guys are doing 22% of everything right. And let’s just say that some other guys
need LOTS of help. I’m helping guys at the high end and at the low end, and everybody in
between.

Doc’s advice continues…

And that’s the whole idea behind my philosophy. Unless you have my principles 100% down
or you’re in the top 10% of guys, 90% of you fellows need my coaching. It’s that simple. Like
the great Doctor Freud once said, “The divorce rate, the dating habits of women, and the way
they brutally reject men back up those numbers.”

on to kareena…
Now let’s move on to the lovely Kareena. Like I’ve told you guys so many times before, it
doesn’t make a difference whether a girl is from Mongolia or Montana because "The System"
cuts across all cultural lines. So all you have to say is: “Kareena, what’s your home phone
number?” And that’s called CLOSING. I don’t care if her best friend is standing there, I don’t
care if her parents are standing there, and I don’t care if the King of Bhutan himself is
standing there -- just do it.

What I said about different cultures still stands. To you Psych majors, if a girl was raised
catholic, her parents are going to want to have a catholic son-in-law. If she’s Malaysian,
they’ll want her to marry a Malaysian. If she’s Jewish, they’ll want her to marry a Jewish
guy. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Blood is thicker than anything else.”

But you did close Kareena, pal. Good for you. And the key phrase when you went for the
number is “without hesitation.” That’s even better because it was an indication of Kareena’s
Interest Level.

is she really interested?

You might be right that she doesn’t know how to say no or she was just trying to be nice to
you because you have to work together. But like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “It could
also be that she’s a Professional Dater with 40% to 49% Interest Level who wants to waste
your time and run up your Visa.”

How do you go about scheduling a date with this girl? You do the same thing you should
always do: Wait a week before you call her. When you see Kareena during the day, act as if
you never asked her out and never went for her home phone number.

become a challenge
And here’s how you can be a Challenge for this girl even if you see her all the time: Smile
when you see her, but let her talk to you first. Hold yourself back. Think of it as an exercise
in Self-Control.

You don’t have to ask her about her father, dude. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts
says, “She knows if her old man is a bigot or not, right?”

dealing with silent types

So, getting Kareena to talk is like pulling teeth. Like my cousin General Love says, “This one
doesn’t do anything above and beyond the call of duty!”

I don’t know if it’s good or bad that this babe is the silent type. But you’re way ahead of
yourself anyway. You have to call her up, get past her dad, who’s a possible blocker, and
make sure she shows up at Starbucks. They’re the essentials here, and the only things you
should be worrying about. Next, you have to get nine big dates in with her where you pick her
up at her house. After that you worry about the other stuff, like why she’s not a chatterbox.

So like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Just do what I tell you, Biff, and you’ll be
fine.”

Remember, guys: The great thing about "The System" is that you don’t have to think.

Wanting Your Friend's Girlfriend

Hey Doc,

I read your weekly columns religiously, and I know from experience that everything you say
is DEAD ON. There is one thing, however, that has thrown me for a loop, and it seems to be
an exception to the laws of attraction.

A friend of mine, I’ll call him Bill, has been dating Cheryl for about five years. Doc, believe
me when I say that Bill does practically EVERYTHING against what you teach. He calls
Cheryl every day, he buys her lame gifts all the time, and he gets instantly insecure and
jealous anytime he sees her talking to another guy.
Also, in terms of being exciting, unpredictable and a Challenge, this guy has pretty much
given up: Bill and Cheryl have a monthly anniversary of sorts where they always go to the
same restaurant after a movie and have the perfunctory exchange of gifts.

i’m jealous
Doc, it may sound like I hate Bill, and truth be told, I do resent him a little because this girl is
still totally into him. She buys him gifts too, she’s always cooking for him, and despite their
occasional breakup, she always ends up back with him. The most amazing thing is that Cheryl
is actually quite attractive. Heck, I wouldn’t mind taking her out myself. She’s certainly better
looking than the women I’ve been going out with.

What do you make of all this, Doc? It couldn’t be that she’s just putting on a show or an act,
right? She couldn’t fake it all this time if she were, at least, that's the way I see it.

Thanks in advance for your insight, Doc, and thanks for all the amazing insight you’ve given
all us guys for so long.

Shlomo - who can’t figure it out

doc love’s advice

Hi Shlomo,

So, you’re thrown for a loop by this so-called “exception to the laws of attraction.” The
reason you say this is because of the education you’ve had up until now (and I’m not talking
about whether or not you went to Princeton). But not to worry -- you’ve come to me and I’m
going to straighten you out. When I’m through, you’ll understand your situation thoroughly.
Guaranteed, you’ll have a different perspective on it.

OK, your friend Bill has been dating Cheryl for five years. Hold on a minute here: Why
aren’t they married? As the old Chinese proverb goes, “After two years of dating, one of
them should be bringing up marriage already.” (Hopefully, it’s the woman.) So, from the get-
go, something’s not right here.

Doc offers more insight…

she’s in control here

With all of the things your buddy Bill is doing wrong, you have to ask yourself a question:
What type of woman would want to be in that kind of relationship? And the answer is, a
woman who’s into CONTROL. Cheryl looks at love as a control issue. Not control of herself
of course (as in Self-Control), but control of the relationship. And if she has to be in strict
control, she has to look for a robot to have this relationship with -- something she can control
100%, and that will be enough for her. For certain types of women, maintaining control is
everything.

Now here’s where I disagree with you: I think it’s good that Bill and Cheryl do things
regularly, in their case on a monthly basis. But they should be doing different things -- going
to new restaurants, theaters, amusements, and so forth, so it doesn’t get stale. Like my cousin
General Love says, “The best way to kill your relationship is by beating the same things to
death.”

On the other hand, I don’t think gifts should be given on a predictable basis. Gifts are meant
for when your heart is in the right place. Gifts shouldn’t be doled out on an artificial
timetable, even though that violates all of the customs of the American holiday system.

you’re resentful
What’s really interesting here is that you resent Bill after all of his screwups. It means that
down deep you’d like to have his woman. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Guy, you
got a big problem!” If you had no feelings for this woman, you wouldn’t care what an idiot
this poor guy is. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Heck, bro, you’d feel
sorry for him!”

But you shouldn’t be too jealous, Shlomo. Bill and Cheryl’s love affair doesn’t sound like
the proverbial bed of roses. And the evidence is their “occasional breakup” and its twin sister
“she always ends up back with him.” Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Gee, I wonder
how much the robot begs whenever she tells him she never wants to see him again!”

Of course you wouldn’t mind taking Cheryl out yourself. What did I just get through telling
you? As you know, this isn’t a religious column, Shlomo, but maybe it’s about time you think
about the Ten Commandments: “Thou shalt not commit adultery” is one of them. Another is
“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife.”

you want her for yourself

So this isn’t right, dude. When it comes to Cheryl, you have to come to grips with the fact that
you harbor ulterior motives. You’re not really interested in “The System” -- you’re interested
in how to be a bird dog and rip this friend of yours off.

Cheryl’s hotter than the girls you’ve been going out with? Like my friend Sal “The Fish”
Love says, “Whoa, you really do dig this chick’s looks!”

Here’s what I make of this, Shlomo: This woman is off-limits.

Cheryl is a Giver. She does things for Bill. But before you start feeling bad about that,
remember the other parts: One-third of the whole equation is FLEXIBILITY, and this girl’s
not flexible. She’s what you’d call 100% structured. She tells Bill when to inhale; she tells
Bill when to exhale. Now if you want to live like that with the woman giving only her token
Interest Level, that’s fine. Me, I don’t want to live like that. I can’t live like that. But some
guys can, and that’s OK if they’re able to deal with it. I call it “the arrangement;” it’s not
really based on mutual love.

Remember, guys: Just because she’s a Giver doesn’t mean she’s not a control freak.

Discussing Old Girlfriends

Hey Doc,

I’m still learning “The System” and getting better at it with each girl. I just want to thank you
for writing your book; it has helped me more than anything else I’ve tried with women and
dating.

But here’s my problem: As hard as this is for me to admit, I’m a 27-year-old guy who’s never
had a girlfriend! I can approach girls, get numbers and even second dates thanks to your
techniques, but that’s as far as it goes. The thing that trips me up now is when I’m dating a
girl and she asks me, “So, how many girlfriends have you had?” And “What happened to
your last relationship? Why did you break up?”

what should i say?

What am I supposed to say, Doc? I never had a girlfriend! I tried saying “I don’t think it’s
proper for me to talk about other women on such a personal basis with you,” but they keep
insisting. Then I try deflecting the pressure by saying, “There’s no point in talking about the
past.”

By now the girl assumes I’ve been dumped again and again, but she keeps asking over and
over until she gives up. Unfortunately, I know the subject will come up again. I could lie and
make up stories about past girlfriends, but it could come back to haunt me.

In “The System” you say that if this situation comes up I should just say my ex was an
Inflexible Taker. But I’d be lying since there is no ex. Should I just be honest and tell these
women I’ve never had a girlfriend?

I’m in a catch-22 situation because if you don’t have experience with girls, they hold it
against you (and probably leave), but you can’t get experience unless you get a girl in the
first place.
I hope you can help me with this situation, Doc; I really need it.

Beck - who’s trying to get on the scoreboard

doc love’s answer

Hi Beck,

I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t snagged yourself a squeeze yet, but by your own admission
you’re getting better with the girls. This is important. Most people think that the road to
success with females is a trek across the Mojave Desert. But the truth is that it’s a journey
across the Sahara. It’s a long, long distance you have to cross, guy.

And the more garbage I have to clean out of your little head because you’ve been
brainwashed or hurt, the longer the trip is going to take. But since you’ve started learning my
techniques, there’s no need to despair. First you’re going to acquire the knowledge, and with
time you’re going to get the action.

Doc Love’s advice continues…

at least you’re dating

At this point you’re only getting to the second date with girls because that’s as far as you’ve
gotten with my techniques. You have a certain portion of "The System" down -- up to the
second date -- but as you memorize the Dating Dictionary, your expertise will expand. But,
again, let me remind you of the upside -- at least you’re getting to the second date. Like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Hey, lots of guys can’t even get the home phone number!”
Gee, Beck, you’re a regular Don Juan in the making and you don’t even know it!

Here’s how you handle it when you get peppered with questions about your past by your
dates. You respond like Owen Wilson or Jim Carrey would -- with a funny line. I can just
hear you protesting, “But Doc, they’re going to get mad!” And my response is this: What
kinds of girls will get mad? Well, I’ll tell you what kinds of girls -- structured girls and girls
with low Interest Level. See how “The System” protects you?

here’s what you tell her…

So when a babe asks how many girlfriends you’ve had, you just give her your best Al Pacino
look and say, “Are you referring to the three stalkers who are bugging me too?”

And when she wants to know “what happened in your last relationship,” tell her in your best
Humphrey Bogart voice, “She didn’t know how good she had it!”
And when she demands to know why you broke up, come right back with, “I won’t hang
with a girl who doesn’t love me.”

don’t tell her everything

To you Psych majors, you’re not supposed to do or say anything unless it raises Interest
Level. Do you think that telling a girl everything that did or didn’t happen in the past 27
years would raise Interest Level? Think about it for two seconds.

You’re being way too intense when you say, “It’s not proper for me to talk about the women
in my past.” What have I told you guys again and again? Keep it light, keep it funny, and no
serious talk. When you’re out on the first or second date, that’s the time for fun and banter,
and here you’re defending yourself. Like my cousin General Love says, “You’re a defensive
lineman and you’re getting pushed all over the field!”

When she keeps insisting on getting information out of you, Beck, just shut up. Sit there and
smile at her. Remember: You don’t have to talk. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts
says, “She don’t have no .45 to your head, dog!”

get tougher
But I have to hand it to you, Beck, “There’s no point in talking about the past” is a very
macho thing to say. Seriously though, I don’t think I ever heard John Wayne say it to a girl
when he was alive. Well, maybe he said it once -- to his horse.

If a girl has to bug you until she gives up, Beck, make her give up sooner. And when the
subject comes up yet again, like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You’ll sit there and do the same
thing until you get tough, boy!”

You shouldn’t be sitting there worrying about how a lie can come back to haunt you. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Dude, you can’t get past the second date! Aren’t you getting a
little ahead of yourself?”

don’t tell them about your past

For lots of guys it’s the truth that their exes were Inflexible Takers, but I’m going to give you
something funnier to tell these babes. When she wants to know what happened with your ex,
just say: “Honey, I can’t take these beautiful Victoria’s Secret models trying to smother me
all the time!”

But if you insist, Beck, go right ahead and tell your dates that you’ve never had a girlfriend --
that will really help your cause. It’s raised the Interest Level of every girl who’s ever heard
it. Uh, right.
You’re not in a catch-22, buddy. You haven’t memorized "The System" yet -- that’s your real
problem. But again, remember that you’re bettering yourself. You’re getting to the second
date. But to go further -- to reach the finish line -- you have to memorize the Word.

Remember, guys: As long as you’re improving yourself with "The System," relax and enjoy
the trip.

Don't Push Her Away

Hey Doc,

I dated Marceline for a year. We met through family and at first things were wonderful.
Marceline was all over me and kept bringing up marriage. Meanwhile, I kept my Interest
Level in check. I did have some trouble getting over her past relationships, and questioned
her a lot about them (I know this was bad).

After our last argument, where I overreacted, Marceline’s family and friends turned against
me. But for the first month after the incident she kept seeing me and professing her love for
me. I allowed myself to ”suffocate” her, hoping to prove my love (again, my bad). In the end,
I realized it was probably her low Interest Level that did us in, and not her family and friends.
I see now that I went about the whole thing totally wrong. Instead of holding back and
playing it cool like "The System" says, I charged full steam ahead with my display of high
interest and became the Wimpus Americanus you refer to in "The System."

did she want to leave me?

The day we broke up, Marceline already had a guy in line to take my place. She’d been
hanging out with him for consolation during our troubled times. She seems really happy with
this guy from what I hear through others, but every now and then she sends me e-mails to
which I never respond. She sometimes calls me and says that her new relationship just hasn’t
grown on her yet.

I resolved never to consider her again, but this has left me sad and hurt. Doc, is this guy just
a rebound for her or is she really much happier with him? Why does she still want to be
friends with me? Shouldn’t her boyfriend mind that she’s trying to keep in touch with her ex?
Sometimes I want to contact her just to cause them problems, but I’m trying to stay
above that.

Obama - who wants to restore his broken ego

doc love’s advice
Hi Obama,

OK, let me get this straight. You were doing everything right. Marceline was bringing up
Marriage. She was all over you like cheese on pizza. You were keeping your mouth shut
about your strong feelings, then you did a nosedive. Suddenly you couldn’t get over her past
relationships. Didn’t it ever occur to you that she was with you, and that they were gone?
Guys, it doesn’t up her Interest Level to talk about her exes. FORGET THEM.

You mention your last argument. How many arguments were you two having? By the way, to
all you psych majors, did you ever notice that women with 95% Interest Level never seem to
want to argue?

Of course Marceline’s family and friends turned against you, pal. Like my cousin General
Love says, “Once the battle lines were drawn, they were sure as hell not going to side
with you.” Kitty Kats Kompete -- until the Tom Kat does something wrong.

you steamrolled her

Marceline kept seeing you and professing her love for you because her Interest Level was
somewhere between 40% and 49%. The Reality Factor says, “She’s with you, but her heart is
someplace else.”

Then, when she hung on, you went and suffocated Marceline. You mean to tell me that you
came at her again? She gave you another chance and what did you do? You came barreling
back in like a Sherman tank. And like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You didn’t know that the
'R' in your transmission stands for REVERSE, did you, boy?” You weren’t proving your love
to Marceline by steamrolling her, bro. You just proved that you’re needy and don’t have a
backbone.

But it finally dawned on you that Marceline’s low Interest Level did you in. Well, you figured
something out! There’s hope left in America yet! I’ll have to pull the gun out of my mouth
now.

Know what I like about you, Obama? You’re the guy who buys “The System” studies it,
memorizes it and then doesn’t do any of it. You’re the kind of fellow who can assist me in a
seminar and answer questions almost as well as I can, but when it comes to actually putting
my principles into practice, for some strange reason he can’t -- or won’t. Isn’t that ironic?
And that’s your problem.

By the way, Obama, do you have a picture of yourself? Send it to me. I’d like to use it as the
illustration for Wimpus Americanus in the next printing of “The System.”
Doc Love's advice continues...

she was prepared for your stupidity

Marceline already had a guy in line to take your place the minute you broke up? I’m
SHOCKED! A girl had a BACKUP for the man she was dumping? I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!
Call the Guinness Book of World Records! Call Ripley’s Believe It or Not! This has to be the
first time in 6,000 years that a girl has had someone waiting in the wings when she couldn’t
stand the sight of her boyfriend anymore. And believe me, man, when Marceline thought of
you, she felt sick.

The new turkey is playing doctor to your ex, but she’s just using him for convalescence
because she feels wounded, even though you’re the one who’s dead.

You’re talking to friends about your ex? “Others” are Blockers! Like my cousin General Love
says, “You could never have worked as a spy during World War II!”

This entire fiasco should leave you sad and hurt, because you’re not a robot. At one time this
girl was practically begging you to marry her. Now she has to run for the Alka-Seltzer every
time she thinks of you. She went from one extreme to the other. Like my cousin Brother Love
down in Watts says, “What did you do to her, baby?”

you get a failing grade

Obama, learn to do what most people won’t do. Take responsibility for your actions. There is
such a thing as cause and effect at work here. And the saddest part is, you know your stuff! I
can tell from your letter that you understand my techniques from “The System.” You sound
like a very intelligent guy in fact. But when it comes to the subject of Emotional Control, you
get an “F.”

Who cares whether the new guy is a Rebound for your ex? It’s her Interest Level in you that
you should be worried about. But like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Think about this,
paisan -- they love to slow dance together.”

Don’t fool yourself, Obama. Marceline doesn’t want to be friends with you.

She wants to play with you. She wants to give you false hope. She wants to see how much
you’ll grovel. So don’t play her game.

You’re the one here whose heart has been gutted and you’re worried about her new boyfriend
being ticked off? Instead, you should be begging me, “Doc, tell me what to do in the future!
Help me to get off my hands and knees, stand with my shoulders square and have a little
pride!”
If you try to cause these two any misery, the only inconvenience they’ll suffer is switching off
the phone and turning on the answering machine while they practice more slow dancing.

Remember, guys: It’s one thing if you don’t know what to do, but if you know what to do and
don’t do it, then you’re double-dumb.

Her Ex Is Back

Hey Doc,

I started seeing Dana two months ago, which was about six months after her ex walked out on
her and their baby. When we first started out we were just friends, but it turned into
something that I would like to see go somewhere. Dana is a sweetheart and genuinely cares
about me, and tells me that she wants to be with me. Since she has a young child, I have
accepted the fact that I will always be No. 2 in her life, but that doesn’t bother me at all.

Now here’s the problem: Two weeks ago we were out on a date and her ex, who I’ll call
Johnny, started calling her on her cell phone and telling her how much he missed her, how he
couldn’t live without her and how he needed her back. This really upset me because our night
started off great, but then I could see that these calls were wearing on her. Since then, he has
been calling her 30 to 40 times per day, telling her the same things, and acting like a selfish
jackass. It’s gotten so bad at her job that her boss told her that she couldn’t come back to
work until she got a restraining order on him, which she did.

pushing her for a decision

Doc, this is what it’s come down to: Dana’s ex has somehow gotten my phone number, and
now he leaves me messages about how his family is all he has left and he has nothing else in
his life. On top of it all, this guy uses drugs and has no job. Frankly, I feel somewhat sorry for
him. If he wasn’t bugging me so much, I’d really feel sorry for him.

So basically my question is: How can I go about letting Dana know that she needs to choose
between me and him without pushing her away? Their child seems to be the glue that keeps
this absurd situation going. This is something that I have thought about a lot as our
relationship has progressed, and now I’m at a loss for what I should do.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

Blackie - who’s afraid of pushing too hard

doc love’s answer
Hi Blackie,

Dana’s kid has got some daddy. Here’s a man who walks out of his house and leaves his
baby, whom he allegedly loves, behind -- and I’m not talking about the older one. Wow,
what a guy.

We know that you want to see this relationship go somewhere, Blackie, but the problem is
that we don’t care what you want. Like I’ve told you guys many, many times before, all we
care about is what the girl thinks. What’s her Interest Level -- 95% or is it in the toilet? So,
merely based on the fact that you brought this up I realize that you don’t know anything.

not even second fiddle

You can’t worry about being No. 2 in Dana’s life. She’s not in love with her child. But like
my cousin Rabbi Love says, “If you want to be romantically involved with this girl, you
should leave her alone until her daughter is 18, and then come back.”

Doc Love tells Blackie which questions to ask…

Now, let’s get into what’s happening. Dana respects and loves you so much that she can’t
bring herself to turn off her cell phone. Does this make any sense whatsoever? To you Psych
majors: Most men rationalize slights and putdowns.

But you’re selfless, Blackie; you’re upset because Johnny’s telephone calls were wearing
poor Dana down. Dude, why aren’t they wearing you down? Not because of the fact that the
calls were incoming, but because of the fact that she’s taking them -- and it’s blowing your
love life apart before it has the chance to get off the ground.

you’re asking the wrong questions

Now, look at what Johnny is doing: He’s so bad (and remember that this is the father of
Dana’s kid, the man she laid down with) that he’s destroying her job. You should be asking
what was wrong with Dana that she found this turkey so attractive going in? Why’d she pick
this loser in the first place? What’s her problem? And that’s what most men don’t ask. But
I’m here to make you wake up and smell the jungle gardenias.

You’re mystified by how Dana’s ex got a hold of your phone number. Blackie, how in the
world do you think he got your phone number? Don’t you think maybe your girlfriend helped
Johnny out? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Maybe she got so sick of listening to
him that she told him to call you.”

When Dana’s ex told you that he had nothing left in the world without his wife and kid, my
cousin Fast Eddie Love would have said, “Give me your address, man. I’ll mail you a knife so
you can commit hari-kari.”

So this boy is a dope head and has no job? Wow -- now I can see why Dana digs him so much
and decided to carry his baby. That clears it all up. Now I get it. Like my cousin Reverend
Love would say, “It’s a match made in hell.”

misplaced pitty
But on a more serious note, you feel sorry for the poor chap. Blackie, you should feel sorry
for yourself because you’re in love with someone, as the establishment would put it, who has
“issues.” But no, your heart is bleeding for Johnny. Let me ask you a question: What does
this have to do with Christmas?

Despite it all, you want Dana to make a decision about your relationship, one way or the
other. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Never go out with someone who has more problems
than you.” This girl is supposed to bring happy times and sanity into your existence and she’s
bringing you nothing but TROUBLE. Her ex is going to come over to your house with six of
his buddies and their aluminum bats and they’re going to lay a beating on your car or worse,
on you. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dog, she gave out your phone
number to her ex. I’d hate to see what he’ll do when she gives him your address!”

check out her interest level

There are some men who cannot handle women. Johnny-boy is one of them. When he makes
calls to his ex to the point where her boss wants to let Dana go, there’s only one conclusion
that you can arrive at -- this guy’s a first-class wingding. But like I said earlier, Dana’s not
without blame here, Blackie. Does the old saying “Water seeks its own level” sound familiar
to you?

Dana’s child is not keeping this absurd situation together. It’s the baby’s mother’s high
Interest Level in this nutcase that keeps it alive.

Want my advice? Like the old cowboy saying goes, “Grab the fastest horse in town and say,
‘Adios!’” In other words, don't bother waiting on her.

Remember, guys: if her ex is stalking her, it’s best not to get involved.

Leaving One Woman For Another

Hey Doc,
First off, let me say that “The System” is brilliant, but I hope you can help me fix my problem
so I don’t have to use it.

I’ve known Tori for over a year, since she started working as a server at the restaurant where
I’m a bartender. Right off we had a great friendship. We hung out all the time and had fun
being together. A couple months later she told me she had feelings for me and wanted to
know if I’d be interested in dating her. At the time I was in a long-distance relationship with
Laurel, so I told her I couldn’t. Tori said it was cool, but she kept pursuing me anyway. I
have to say that it was a nice ego boost to have her pretty much throwing herself at me.

Before I go any further, you should know that the whole time I had feelings for Tori as well,
but I don’t cheat. One night, when Tori and I were at a party, she pulled me aside and told me
she loved me. I told her that I had feelings for her too, but that I was still with Laurel.

Finally, I broke it off with Laurel so I could be with Tori. I realized that I was in love with her
and had been for some time. I went over to Tori’s house to tell her how I felt, only to find out
she was seeing another man, Dustin! Their relationship didn’t last long, but I questioned what
I was doing. Anyway, shortly afterward Tori and I started holding hands and acting the way
couples do.

your interest level was way too high

Then I had to travel out of the country. Tori was upset about it and I didn’t know how to make
her feel better. I got into an accident overseas and ended up spending two weeks in the
hospital. I called Tori as often as I could. When I got home I poured my heart out to her,
telling her I loved her and that I would give her the world.

Well, Doc, she told me she didn’t feel the same about me anymore! I was crushed and still
am. She still likes to cuddle with me and she calls me sometimes, but she runs hot and cold. I
am in love with her, but I’m not sure what to do with this back and forth stuff. I know she has
a lot of stress in her life, and I want to help her with it. Please Doc, tell me what’s going on in
her mind. Is there any way to fix this relationship? I’m even thinking I made a mistake in
dumping Laurel.

Donovan - who lost everything

doc love’s answer

Hi Donovan,

All I had to do was read the first sentence of your letter to know exactly where you are: You
know absolutely nothing about women.

When Tori asked if you were interested in dating her, you should have said “Can you give me
a little while to think about it,” and then smiled at her. Because you were rebuffing her, even
though her Interest Level was incoming. This is what most male egos can’t grasp. But it takes
patience to deal with incoming interest properly, because you have to withdraw rather than
push the girl away.

Doc Love lets Donovan know what he did wrong...

Dude, Tori kept pursuing you because you were a CHALLENGE. This is great! This is
exactly what you want to happen. This IS “The System” at work. So it turns out that you are
using the book -- at least so far.

So it’s no surprise that this girl was throwing herself at you. To you Psych majors, when their
Interest Level is in the 90s, they’re little girls. And good for you that you don’t cheat.

When Tori told you she loved you, you should have said “For how long?” or “Is that the best
you can do? That’s not much, honey!”

But you ended up talking about Laurel and the fact that you loved Tori. So you made two
enormous blunders: You got all serious and you talked about other women and your feelings.
Instead of that, you should have impersonated Vince Vaughn and had fun with Tori.

she dragged you in

Then you went even further: You deep-sixed Laurel only to make the discovery that Tori was
seeing another man, Dustin. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “And that was the good
part. The bad part is that he’s the only one you know about!”

Oh, by the way, was Dustin’s relationship with Tori as brief as yours? Because you’re on the
outs with her, in case you didn’t know it.

Laurel isn’t acting like part of a couple, pal. She uses you in case of emergency or loneliness
or when there’s nothing on TV that night or if there’s no food in the fridge. And you’re Mr.
Happy To Be There.

You mean to tell me that this girl -- who just got rid of Dustin -- was upset that you were out
of the country? I bet she was doing back flips. Or she was thinking, “Gee, I hope he’s in
Mongolia.”

Did it ever occur to you when you were in the hospital to monitor how often Tori called you?
Was it every day? Every other day? Never? No, you didn’t. You called her 10 times a day.
Here’s where you’re not using “The System,” buddy. This is the antithesis of CHALLENGE.
Lying there in the hospital you had nothing better to do than pressure this girl.

You didn’t really tell Tori you were going to give her the world, did you? Yech. I’ll bet that if
she were on a plane, she would have had to grab the barf bag.

That’s when you found out that she didn’t feel the same about you. I’m stunned. Like my
cousin General Love says, “Maybe you and Dustin ought to get together and swap war
stories.”

you’ve got major problems

The back and forth stuff means you have huge, huge problems. What you have to do -- and I
know this is going to be tough for you -- is disappear and hope that Tori’s Interest Level is
still in the low 50s.

You want to help Tori with her stress; Why? Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “You’re
not here to be her therapist or her pastor. You’re here to raise Interest Level.” Your job when
a date is over is to leave a girl with the same -- and hopefully higher -- Interest Level. And
THAT’S ALL.

I’ll tell you what Tori is thinking: Doesn’t this guy get the hint?

This relationship can’t be fixed. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “The best you can
hope for now is to leave Sin City with as much money as you came with.”

remain a challenge
You did make a mistake dumping Laurel. She was a good girl and she liked you. And what
did you do? You snuck around with another girl. You knew you had feelings for Tori and you
never should have tempted yourself. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You say you don’t
cheat, but you’re not really loyal, my son.”

In the future, be honest with yourself and keep your mouth shut. Because the first time you
say, “I love you,” it usually means you’re history down the road.

Remember, guys: Try to allow them to chase you.

She Has A Kid

Hey Doc,

I’ve been seeing Taylor for three months now. She is a very attractive, educated 38-year-old
woman with a 6-year-old son. She gives me some good buying signals and really seems to
enjoy being around me. She’s always asking me personal questions and laughs at my dumb
jokes.
I call Taylor at four- to six-day intervals (maximum five minutes of talking) to schedule dates,
and we go out once or twice a week. She has never turned down a date recommendation from
me. She is always available and ready to go out whenever I want to. She has offered to pay
for meals and other things several times, so I don’t think she’s a Professional Dater. I get
along fine with her son, and she has even discussed going on vacation with me somewhere.
When she does, I remain noncommittal and immediately change the subject to something
more humorous and light.

you or the child?

Here are my problems with Taylor:

1- We never go anywhere without her son because she says she can’t get a decent babysitter.

2- She sits in the backseat with her son whenever we drive anywhere.

3- She has failed the kiss test twice in the time we have been going out.

4- I’ve invited Taylor over to my house three times for lunch or coffee and cake, but have
not once been invited to her place.

I am getting ready to ditch this girl even though I really like her and admire her intellect. I’ve
read your book,“The System,” three times from front to back, and I think a lot of it is starting
to click, but this girl is sending some very mixed signals.

Should I ditch Taylor and concentrate on my other regular dates? Or am I missing something?
I don’t mind a platonic relationship with Taylor, but if I really wanted that I would be
hanging out with my buddies -- not some gorgeous, educated woman.

Louie - who needs some coaching from the master

doc love's answer

Hi Louie,

All of this sounds fine, but you didn’t mention anything in your letter about Taylor
complimenting you or touching you. Is that because you don’t have “The
System” memorized yet?

Don’t be so quick to classify Taylor as someone who’s not a Professional Dater. What you
don’t realize is that there is a type of Professional Dater who offers to pay. Why? Because
you relieve her boredom or she thinks you’re a nice guy or she’s just a drifter. Like my cousin
Fast Eddie Love says, “Don’t get all excited, pal. She’s just passing through.”
It’s nice that Taylor wants to travel to Hawaii with you, but are you going with her alone or
will her kid be on the surfboard too? Did you happen to ask Taylor about that? It’s great,
though, that in general you stay off the heavy subjects. You’re not doing everything wrong.

taylor's not perfect

But you do have problems with Taylor, which shows that she’s got a bad side. Darn. Up until
now she sounded perfect.

Let’s examine your problems one by one.

Can Louie save this relationship?

She can't find a babysitter: Let me ask you a question. If I gave Taylor a million bucks to
find a decent babysitter, do you think she could do it? Of course she could! It’s not like you’re
asking her to fly through the air with a basketball like Michael Jordan, which is never going
to happen. But let’s face it, man -- she could find a babysitter if she really wanted to. And it
would mean she has high Interest Level in you. What her actions say is that her interest in you
is not in the 90s.

She sits in the backseat with her son: This is OK since you’re babysitting. That’s the real
deal here. Taylor’s getting you used to her little kid in the event that you want to marry her.
Because he’s going to be with you all the time, probably even when you’re sleeping after you
and Taylor get hitched. Here’s another way to look at it: If this girl really digs you (though we
don’t know for sure yet) and she’s thinking long-term, she’s telling you up front that this is
going to be a package deal -- her AND her son. So in that sense, what she’s doing is good.
What I don’t dig is introducing the kid to all these different guys. Like my cousin Rabbi Love
says, “How many uncles can one child have?” I don’t think it’s good for the boy.

She failed the kiss test: Are you telling me you’ve been out with this girl 90 days and she
does everything right except that she’s failed the kiss test twice? I hope you understand what
“failed” really means. You’re in trouble here, dude.

She doesn't invite you over: This is an easy one. The Reality Factor says that the reason
Taylor doesn’t want you in her house is because she doesn’t want you in her house. Duh.

stop lying to yourself

Hey, I like Taylor’s intellect too. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “I mean, you have to
love the fact that she’s playing all these games with you and you don’t have a clue.”

You may have read “The System” three times, Louie, but only a very small percentage of it is
clicking. Like my cousin General Love says, “You’ve got three down and only 126 to go.”
Taylor’s not sending you mixed signals. She’s just working you like a master by offering to
pay. But remember that you have her over to your house but she doesn’t want you to go over
to hers. Why? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Yo, dog -- maybe she’s got
another boyfriend or two stashed there.” And keep this in mind: If this girl really dug you,
wouldn’t she want to kiss you after three whole months?

I love your use of the word “ditch.” It’s like trying to get rid of someone who’s not there.
You’re making it sound like Taylor’s Interest Level is in the stratosphere and you’re going to
break her heart if you don’t call her again. The truth is that her Interest Level is only
somewhere between 40% to 49%. What you’ve got here is a Professional Dater who offers to
pay.

You’re not missing anything, dude. You just have to study harder, that’s all.

Remember, guys: If she’s inconsistent, she can’t have high Interest Level.

Dating Older Women

Hey Doc,

I am a regular reader of your columns, which I like very much.

To cut to the chase, here’s my problem. Unlike most of the men who write you for advice, I’m
not young. No one out there offers advice for guys 60 years of age and over, including you.

Before you tell me that I’m probably a walking disaster and that’s why I can’t find women, let
me tell you that I’m very successful, youthful and still like to rock. I have a young person’s
mentality and am full of life for my age.

But let me be honest about what us older guys face out here. There are no women unless we
go chasing younger babes around, and that can get dangerous. Most single women who are 45
and older look like hell. (There’s no more gentle way to put it.) They’ve let themselves go for
so many years that they flat-out look terrible. I’m not saying that all of them look bad, but I
don’t have any idea where to find the ones who look good.

over the hill?

Doc, I’d like to date women closer to my own age, frankly, because we’d have more in
common than I would with a 20-year-old, but most of these women are very fat. I’m slim and
handsome. I don’t want a pudgy, out-of-shape woman hanging on my arm.
So how about some advice for guys over 60? Where do we go to find attractive women? What
should we say and do? Are we dead because we’re members of AARP or collecting pensions
and/or Social Security? Should we just stay at home and watch TV instead of going out there
and living to the full?

There are more of us out here looking for dates than you might think. So any helpful hints
would be appreciated.

Luca - who doesn’t think he’s over the hill

doc love’s answer

Hi Luca,

You got one thing right, pal -- you’re not young anymore. But that has nothing to do with
anything. Because if you’re 60 and you meet a beautiful, svelte 54-year-old nurse, you still
have to say “Caprice, what’s your home phone number?” The same as if you’re 19 and you’re
drinking beer with a sorority girl -- you still have to say “Caprice, what’s your home phone
number?” To you Psych majors, the principles are always the same, no matter what your age.

Luca, I do offer advice for guys over 60. Are you sure you read "The System"? As I said up
above, it’s all the same thing. Why do you insist that it’s not?

Doc Love tells Luca what he needs to do…

age-old wisdom
What should you do and say to a woman? The same thing you should always do and say.
You’re going to keep the conversation light and funny. You’re going to smile. Here’s what
you’re not going to do. You’re not going to stare at her chest. And you’re not going to tell her
how much you hate your ex-girlfriends and ex-wives.

Dude, you don’t have to convince me that you’re youthful for your age. What you have to do
is find your counterpart in a female. It’s going to be a little tougher, though, because of your
age. But if you’re patient, you’ll get there.

Look at the statistics, my friend: America is 52% women to 48% men. Women outlive men
by seven years. So they’re out there, all right. But you say that lots of women look like hell.
Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, you’re not practicing the falsehood of
unconditional love!” And yes, it’s true that lots of them also look terrible.

However, there happens to be a large percentage of women who do take care of themselves,
and that’s what you need. I’m going to show you where to find the ones who look good.
But first, Luca, you have to open your mind and not be so judgmental.
time to get real
Of course you’re going to have more in common with a woman your own age than you
would with Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton. Not to mention that the Reality Factor says they’ll
take one look at you and say “Hi, Grandpop!” So you can’t be too upset when the young
babes look at you like you’re a telephone pole. Or like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “You
know you’re in trouble when they start calling you ‘Sir.’”

So where do you find attractive women? You go to the same places that the 22-year-old guy
goes to… or the 32-year-old or the 42-year-old. You want to think that the rules are
different for us guys over 60. But they’re not. Like I said before, open your mind up.

Since you want a gal who’s in great shape, you have to do something physical. Join a few
outdoor clubs. You have to hang around the ladies who like to go hiking or get yourself into
some dance events or classes. Try the Sierra Club or join a tennis league if you play tennis.
Then take a look at the women who are involved in those activities. They’re all skinny!
Eventually you’ll see a 54-year-old who looks like Christie Brinkley and you’re on your way.

it’s really not that different

What you do then is ask for the home phone number. Then you meet her at Starbucks. Then
you’re going to take her on your first big date, just like the 20-year-olds. In other words, it’s
all the same whether you’re wet behind the ears or a geriatric case. And don’t forget that
you’re going to make her laugh, and you’re going to show her manners and class.

Luca, you’re not dead because you’re just a few years away from assisted living. The odds are
just going to be a little rougher when she sees your false teeth or your walker. But even some
of those really old guys do all right. You’ll get over it with my coaching.

And remember, you only need to find one good one. Make sure that you’re prepared and that
you have all the important information memorized when you do find her, otherwise you’re
going to make all the same boo-boos. Then you’ll be lonely again and blame it on the fact that
you’re over the hill, when in fact you just turn the girls off in spite of your great looks and
success.

Remember, guys: When you meet her, you’d better be prepared to keep her.

She's Touchy-Feely

Hey Doc,
I’ve been with Shana -- a stewardess and a “9” -- for six months. She has a lot of good
qualities and values -- she’s kind, giving and caring -- on top of her gorgeous looks. I have
done “tests” on her and she's definitely not in love with my bank account (I’m quite well-
fixed through my various investments) and she is certainly with me for who I am.

Shana was the one who first said the “L” word. I believe her Interest Level is around 95%, as
she always talks about our future, how much she loves me, that she can’t wait to get married,
and that she can’t wait to have kids with me. A few times she has also given me hints, like
“where's my ring?” and she says “I love you” over 20 times a day, while I keep my responses
to a third of that in order to stay a Challenge.

but is she too open to other guys?

Here’s the problem: Shana is very “touchy” -- too touchy -- with random guys that she meets
while we’re out. I have spoken to her about it and asked her how she’d feel if I was touchy
and all over the girls I met. She says that while this is the person she has always been she’ll
work on it if it bothers me. I have seen some changes in her, but she’s still in contact with a
bunch of her ex-boyfriends. Her excuse is that she's close to their families or she has mutual
friends with them.

I have a software setup that automatically e-mails me all the communications done through
Shana’s computer and I also have the password to her e-mail accounts. I track her e-mails and
responses every day, and I’ve noticed nothing really threatening in her e-mails to her ex-
boyfriends. They just talk about their new lives, but she never mentions the fact that she has a
new boyfriend -- me -- who she really loves. And there’s nothing about the guys’ new
girlfriends either.

Since Shana travels around the world, I’m concerned with what she does when she flies to
other countries. If she’s too friendly and touchy when I’m around, what is she doing when
I’m not there?

Should I be concerned or am I being too hard on Shana?

Clem - who feels uncomfortable with how she acts

doc love’s answer

Hi Clem,

Shana is a gorgeous flight attendant with good qualities? Who could ask for more? This is
great, man. You know what this means? It means she’s going to be on a plane most of the
time, and you’ll have the house all to yourself to do whatever you want. You’re so fortunate.

Shana was the first one to say the “L” word? Clem, what you should be saying is that she was
the ONLY one to say the “L” word. You used the wrong word, my friend.

You mean to tell me that you think that you’re a Challenge by telling your girlfriend only
seven times a day how much you love her? Uh… yeah, sure. You have to go back and read
my book a little more, pal. I think you missed a few pages.

Doc Love hits the mark on all of Clem’s concerns…

crazy men and touchy fingers

But you shouldn’t have criticized Shana for touching guys (though we’ll get into her
“touchiness” more a little later). You should have told her that you were concerned for her
security. When you’re trying to sell something to someone, dude, you don’t tell them that it’s
a benefit to you -- you pitch the benefit to them. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says,
“How did you get rich, man?”

Here’s what you should have said: “Honey, one day you’re going to touch somebody and the
guy’s going to turn out to be a loon. You’ve seen American Justice and City Confidential; you
know what kinds of wackos are running around out there. And that’s what I worry about --
you’re just a little too friendly with strangers.”

shana admits to no faults

Did you notice that Shana didn’t tell you that she was wrong when you pointed out her
touchy behavior? It means she’s structured, guy. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Son,
beware of the woman who can’t admit her errors.”

Clem, we don’t want Shana to “work” on anything. We want her to say, “I’m so glad you’re
concerned about my welfare and safety.” Think about it: When she’s walking your 4-year-old
daughter around the mall and some goof is acting nuts, is Shana going to be talking to
strangers then? Is she going to hug the guy because he tells her she looks nice?

But you’ve seen changes in Shana since you two talked. That’s good; at least she’s listening.
As long as there’s some improvement in her behavior, you’re moving in the right direction.
Remember -- emphasize her SECURITY.

she flirts with her past relationships

So this girl has loads of ex-boyfriends. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Does that
mean Shana and I shot a few games of pool somewhere one night?” I want to say something
to all you girls out there: When you meet a guy, please don’t have any contact with anybody
you ever went out with in the past.

I’m sure this stewardess is the super-friendly type, but there’s no reason for her to stay close
to the families of her exes, because those boyfriends are gone -- or they should be gone.

I see that you’re playing James Bond on Shana by snooping on her e-mails. Beautiful. It
proves that you’ve read the Dating Dictionary at least once. And like my cousin General
Love says, “All’s fair in love and war.”

shana has red flags on the tarmac

But the fact that she has a new boyfriend with whom she’s allegedly madly in love with --
YOU -- and doesn’t mention him is a huge RED FLAG. And let’s face it, buddy, these other
guys aren’t talking about their new girlfriends or you because they still want Shana. To you
Psych majors: The ex-boyfriends are dying to get back with her.

So you’re concerned about her flying all over the globe and touching all those foreigners?
Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “I could answer your question about what she’s doing
when you’re not there, but you’d probably commit suicide.”

That said, I do think that you’re being too hard on Shana. The Reality Factor says that in
every deal there’s going to be something you don’t like and in your deal, you have a “touchy-
feely” girlfriend on your hands. In your case, the fact that she drapes herself all over every
guy she meets is the downside, but considering the fact that she has everything else going for
her, I’d learn to overlook it if I were you.

get on board or catch another flight

In the end, you have to figure out how you’re built before you move on, Clem. Is Shana’s
touchy nature a “deal-killer”? Only you can answer that question. If this habit of hers is going
to irritate the hell out of you, you better give it lots of thought, because she’s going to be
touching guys for the next 40 years.

Remember, guys: It’s tough to love a girl who can’t keep her hands off other men.

She Likes Older Men

Hey Doc,

I’ve been seeing Jeanna for several months now and I believe that she has a high Interest
Level in me (she cooks for me and always tells me how much she misses me). She also calls
me at work every day -- pretty good, right?

Well, here is my problem: Jeanna’s previous boyfriends were all significantly older (we’re in
our mid-20s) -- some as old as 50. She thinks I dress “too young” (jeans and T-shirts) and
buys me clothes to make me look “older.” (Womanese for, “I want him to resemble my much
older boyfriends.”)

Recently, we had a major confrontation at her birthday party, which was held at a bar. Jeanna
got really drunk and started complaining that I was always uptight. Later on in the evening
she broke down in tears and started talking about her ex-boyfriend of four years (they broke
up a year before she met me), and how heartbroken over the old guy she still is. It was
embarrassing for me because everyone heard her.

breaking up is hard to do
Well, I decided that I would end it in two weeks, which gave me time to collect my things
from Jeanna’s house. But the day after the incident, I confronted her about what happened at
the bar. She said she was too drunk to remember what she said and that she never meant a
word of it.

She then said she loved me and begged me to forgive her. I agreed, on the condition that she
changes a few things about herself -- basically to stop thinking and talking about these
stupid ex-boyfriends. And, for some reason, her fixation on guys old enough to be her father
really bothers me.

Doc, am I making a big mistake by taking her back? Your advice is greatly appreciated.

Jo-Jo - who suddenly doesn’t know what to do

doc love’s answer

Hi Jo-Jo,

This sounds great! Dude, you got it made. You have a girl with high Interest Level, who
cooks for you and who can’t stop telling you how much she misses you. Can you imagine
how many guys DON’T have what you have now?

But you’ve got problems. Well, I’m SHOCKED. You mean this isn’t a clean deal? I thought
you said this girl was perfect. What the heck happened in the space of a couple of sentences?
Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, this is what happens when you haven’t known her
long enough.”

she likes a sharp-dressed man

With her clothes fetish, maybe Jeanna really wants you to resemble her exes. Then again,
maybe she just doesn’t want you to look like a bum anymore. This situation exists with lots of
couples: You’ll see the guy slouching around in flip-flops, T-shirts and torn jeans and looking
like he never saw a razor or the inside of a barber shop, while his girl is decked out in a nice
dress with boots and jewelry and looks like a clotheshorse that stepped out of a shopping
catalog.

Women always try and overdress men. So, I would take it as a positive and use it for the
purpose of self-improvement if Jeanna’s doing this not to make you look older, but to prevent
you from getting arrested for vagrancy. On the other hand, as my cousin Fast Eddie Love
says, “You gotta remember that this girl does like old bananas.”

Doc Love takes a look at the birthday party situation…

barstool psychology
Let’s look at what happened at the infamous birthday party. Is this the first time in a few
months Jeanna’s gotten inebriated? How many drinks per date does she usually down? How
come you’re not telling me that, pal?

After she called the bartender over for the fifth time, that’s when she told you you’re way too
uptight for her. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Is that because she gets real loose
when she has a few pops?” Or is she saying that just because she doesn’t want you picking
out your own clothes?

Once Jeanna started bawling at the bar, you should have changed the environment fast. You
couldn’t tell all the guests to leave, but you could have left. And, guy, you should have gotten
right out of there the minute the waterworks started. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says,
“What’s wrong with you, boy? You sat there while she talked about an old flame and there
were 150 people in the room giggling.”

confronting a low interest level

But in reality you have a worse problem: When you confronted Jeanna about this
embarrassing incident afterward, you were talking to a girl whose Interest Level was below
50% -- and the Reality Factor says that this means she could care less and you weren’t really
confronting anything. If this girl’s Interest Level was up at 85% or 95%, then you’d be truly
doing something. But, as it stands now, her interest is well below the Mason-Dixon Line.
You just think it’s on the north side.

Now, let me ask you this: If this girl said she was too drunk to remember what she said at
the party, how does she know she didn’t mean it? Like I’ve told you guys again and again,
when you interrogate girls you have to be like love detectives on Love & Order and pick up
on the discrepancies in their stories. You let her off the hook on that one, man.

so, she’s a grave digger

What’s interesting though, is the topic she did just happen to pick to blab about when she was
bombed. She could have talked about how much she loved her parents or, even better, how
much she loved you. But what does she do? She goes back four years to some guy who’s
living in a convalescent home -- and she couldn’t stop going on about him.

Even though I’m not a shrink, if she’s that into grandfathers, it’s my guess that she didn’t
have a solid father figure in her house. If she wants to daydream about guys who are about
ready to go up to Boot Hill, that’s her prerogative. But she’s with you. Why? You must be
strong in other areas, because you’re not an old geezer. So she overlooked that in you,
probably because you’re funny and confident and good-looking. But now that you’re falling
apart, it’s not working anymore and all she can think about is how lousy you look in your
grungy clothes.

Remember, guys: Your age is a part of the physical-attraction test.

White Trash Women

Hey Doc,

I purchased “The System” last year, enjoyed it, and even recommended it to some of my
“skeptical” friends and coworkers. The problem is, I lost it... it vanished without a trace!

I’m 25 and have been exclusively dating the beautiful Natasha for about 19 months now.
She’s the type of girl most guys would describe as “cool.” One of our first dates consisted of a
six-pack of beer and two hours of playing the Xbox. She’s not at all needy or insecure, and
she’s very low-maintenance. She’s happy with just a card for her birthday. She also realizes
the financial burden of living almost 80 minutes away from me, and offers to pay for
dinner/movies/gas occasionally. And to top that off, she’s a Flexible Giver. Sometimes she’ll
surprise me with a homemade meal, or a small gift she picked up at the store when she was
thinking about me. I know she finds me entertaining because she laughs at all my dumb jokes.

she's trailer trash

Here’s the problem. Lately, I’ve been feeling kind of disappointed in Natasha. At age 26, she
still doesn’t have her driver’s license. She got into a very serious car wreck a few years ago
(her friend died behind the wheel), so I can understand that she may be afraid to drive. But
she also doesn’t have a college education. She’s attending classes to obtain a GED, but she
only shows up half the time. We’ve gotten into a few fights over this since I come from strict
parenting with an emphasis on responsibility. Natasha keeps promising me that she’s going
to get her GED, but it seems like it’s taking forever.
She also told me she’s bipolar. I’m somewhat skeptical toward people who claim to be
bipolar. Her family is poor, and her parents can be considered the stereotypical “trailer trash”
-- lazy and unmotivated. Finally, she has a 7-year-old daughter who is spoiled. Natasha
doesn’t have full custody of her daughter (I don’t know all the details, but she’s had two
boyfriends in the past who were bad influences and this contributed to her not getting full
custody).

I try not to let these factors cloud my judgment because I want to believe individuals have the
power to become whatever they desire, regardless of their environment. But over the past 19
months, we’ve had two or three really heated arguments over these issues, and she even
slapped me a few times.

I’m at a point where I’m thinking of breaking up with Natasha, but I’m also under a lot of
stress from work, so maybe my mind is just clouded right now. I don’t want to make a
decision I will regret later because Natasha has some wonderful traits your book would
describe as essential, despite the red flags. What should I do?

Calvin - who sees it both ways

doc love's answer

Hi Calvin,

You lost my book? Let’s pretend for a moment that you cut the pages out of the inside of my
book and you hid $20,000 in unmarked twenties in there. Would you have lost it then?

I’m very happy for you that this girl of yours is “low-maintenance.” Now, I want you guys to
remember those two words -- I’m going to come back to them later.

And I also want you guys to think about what else Calvin has said here. When was the last
time your girlfriend picked up a small gift at the store for you? Isn’t that wonderful?

Doc Love sets Calvin straight with a little tough love...

Well, Calvin, everything you’ve told me about Natasha up to this point is nothing short of
fantastic! But what’s this about a problem? I thought Natasha was the ideal woman. I’m
absolutely shocked that something could possibly be awry!

Let’s look at your concerns, pal. It took you 19 whole months to realize that Natasha can’t
drive? How long did you have my book? About an hour before it vanished without a trace?

she has issues

I understand and sympathize that a car wreck was involved in Natasha’s fear of getting
behind the wheel. But like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “How many open bottles of Jack
Daniels did the cops find on the floor of that vehicle?”

I’m glad that Natasha shows up about half the time to her GED class. Sounds like she’s the
responsible type. And don’t forget -- that’s going to be your responsible wife right there who
forgot to pay the electric bill. The Reality Factor says that this girl doesn’t come from a
background with an emphasis on strict responsibility. So, like my cousin Brother Love down
in Watts says, “Dog, why don’t you just get into how fine she looks and forget about what’s
inside her head for a while?”

So she’s bipolar, huh? Man, I won’t go near that one. It’s totally politically incorrect to touch
that word, but my long-term readers and fans will know what I’m thinking right now. Heck,
I’m scared to death if anybody even mentions that word in a conversation!

Ninety percent of the time, our traitor judges in this country award custody of the kids to
the mother. If the woman doesn’t get the kid legally, it’s a HUGE RED FLAG, my friend.
Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You sure she’s not wanted for anything, dude?”

time to get real

Now Calvin, can you imagine living with this woman? I’m going to tell you why you
shouldn’t, and I’m going to come from an angle you’ve never heard before. You have to
remember that the woman you want has to have a GOOD ATTITUDE, a MINIMUM OF
SCARS, and NOT A LOT OF BAGGAGE. Because that stuff will haunt you. To you Psych
majors, you’ll pay dearly for her problems.

Your sentiments about the great potential of the human race are noble, but guy, this girl is 26
years old, and she can’t finish the 12th grade! She can’t even show up for the class! Like my
Uncle Jethro Love says, “Her parents’ favorite TV program is the Jerry Springer Show.”

You’re telling me that a woman slapped you across the face and you kept going out with
her? Are you sure you ordered the right book?

But not to worry, you’re at a point where you’re thinking of breaking up with Natasha.
What’s it going to take, buddy -- a bullet through the heart? You don’t hit people. You don’t
hit anybody. That’s the problem with the world today. Just look at all the countries that are
constantly at war. Somebody’s always hitting somebody else. Like my cousin Rabbi Love
says, “You’re supposed to care for the other person, not use him as a punching bag.”

escape while you can

Your stress at work is the perfect excuse for your troubles with Natasha. And she tried to
slap it out of you to make you feel better -- is that your rationalization for getting popped in
the
head?

Is all of this stuff a big red flag? Calvin, this flag could cover Nebraska! If I were you, I’d
move to Bangladesh.

Remember, guys: When they’ve got tons of problems, they are not low-maintenance.

Doc Love: Ask Her Out

Hey Doc,

I’m an avid fan of “The System” and I read your articles every day during my lunch break. I
think you’re doing a great thing for all men by coaching us with your valuable knowledge.
However, there’s one subject that I don’t think you cover directly: How do you persuade a
girl who is a casual acquaintance to go out on a date without looking desperate or overly
eager, and at the same time remain a Challenge?

I am currently a college student who is very sociable and quick to meet and greet people,
especially females. I met Anoushka last year while we were out with a large group of friends.
We chatted, had a few laughs, and exchanged cell phone numbers (I know you teach us to get
home phone numbers but she lived in a dorm at the time and used her cell phone for most
calls). Truthfully, I sensed no spark between us, and only asked for her number so that I could
brag about it to my friends. Also, Anoushka was in a relationship with someone at the time.

suddenly single
One year later, Anoushka is single and has become much more attractive, enhancing her
appearance by losing 20 pounds since she’s back on the market. My dilemma is that, although
I’m dying to strike up a conversation with her and ask her out on a date, I’m not sure how I
should go about it without looking desperate. We have not been talking regularly at all, just
occasional greetings whenever we see each other on campus. I would try and just give her a
call and ask her out, but I feel as though the conversation would be awkward since we haven't
had a real conversation in person for about a year. I would also try striking up a conversation
when I see her around campus, but I’m stumped as to what I should talk to her about that
would smoothly transition into an invitation for coffee.

Another big problem is that Anoushka has three friends who she’s constantly with and I rarely
see her by herself. I really don’t feel like trying to figure out how to separate her from her
friends. Every way I think to approach her makes me look too aggressive and not challenging
at all.
What should I do? Did I miss my chance by not staying in contact with Anoushka for the past
year? Should guys always stay in touch with a girl who has potential even if she’s not
immediately attracted to him?

Drake - who’s stumped

doc love's answer

Hi Drake,

I do cover the subject of asking out a so-called “casual acquaintance” in "The System," but
you must have missed it. But that’s OK. We’ll cover it again. Like my Uncle Jethro Love
says, “Some of you boys is a little slow.” But asking this girl out is a piece of cake, so don’t
worry.

Your ability to meet and greet females and chat them up is a great quality, pal. Most guys
don’t have it, so you should be grateful. Let me compliment you on that. It can take you far
with the babes.

Doc Love tells it like it is...

Please don’t misrepresent me here. I don’t teach men to get home phone numbers. I teach
them to ASK for home phone numbers. There’s a big difference. If Anoushka has a cell
phone and that’s the one she always uses, it’s fine to call her on that one. You just want to
make sure she doesn’t have a hardwired phone in her dorm room, that’s all.

I have to hand it to you, Drake. Getting Anoushka to give you her number so you can brag to
your friends about it shows that you’re really mature. Like the old cowboy saying goes, “It’s a
step away from notching your belt.”

it's not desperation - it's interest

Now let’s take a look at what has you bent into a pretzel here: asking Anoushka out for a date
without looking desperate. It’s simple, dude. Just do what I tell you to do. You have the
vastly mistaken notion that any forward move toward this girl is going to be seen as
desperation. But not if you go in slowly.

The fact that you haven’t been talking to this girl on a regular basis has nothing to do with
anything. The point is that she’s comfortable with you and she knows who you are. This gives
you an advantage. Use it.

Why would the conversation be awkward if you ask Anoushka out? Just because you know
her? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dog, you’re laying a heavy head-trip
on yourself.” Forget everything that happened between you and this girl in the past. When
you
call her up, act like nothing’s ever happened between the two of you. And then you’re going
to ask her out and start to discover her Interest Level -- if there is one -- which is the whole
idea of the Starbucks date.

If you’re stumped about what to talk to Anoushka about leading into asking her out, just ask
her about the classes she’s taking in college. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “That’s a
real hard one!”

what to talk about

You’re not going to pull a divide and conquer with Anoushka’s friends. Like my cousin
General Love says, “You’re going to do an end-run around them!” Let me say it again:
You’re going to call Anoushka on her cell phone, and you’re going to make a date for
Starbucks. Forget about her friends, and forget about the fact that you know her. Like I said
earlier, none of that stuff matters.

See, Drake, you’ve got something really mixed up here. It’s a mistake to think that any action
in the direction of this girl is anti-Challenge. I teach you to make that first move. I coach you
to ask for her home phone number. I tell you to kiss her on the date. To you Psych majors,
these are confident, aggressive moves. But don’t forget, prior to doing any of that, you’re
making her laugh 99% of the time. Keep it light and keep it funny. Along with moving in
slowly, that’s an essential part of your battle plan.

It’s better that you didn’t stay in touch with Anoushka over the past year. Because now you’ll
have things to talk about. Staying in touch with a girl who’s got a boyfriend is a waste of time
and effort. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “You could be hustling the phone numbers
of other females during the time you squandered mooning over the one who’s kissing
somebody else.”

Remember, guys: If you’ve got her phone number, just call her up and ask her out to
Starbucks.

Fighting Her Family

Hey Doc,

Jolene (not her real name) and I recently broke up after two years. On the surface, this might
not seem like a very interesting subject, but I’m confused about what’s going on. In order to
properly understand my situation, I need to tell you about the unusual factors involved in
our relationship.

Jolene is the sister of a very well-known celebrity actress, one who is often mentioned in Top
Women lists. She has a very controlling mother and a best friend who is also her sister-in-
law. All three of them now live in Los Angeles, having moved there from a smaller town in
central California.

My ex is very sweet, good-natured, non-confrontational, smart, and quite attractive. But

she has always lived in her sister’s shadow. To add insult to injury, her mother does not
like me one bit, and for what reason I don’t know. Frankly, her mother has not liked a
single one of my ex’s boyfriends, and I find that to be an issue in itself.

fame and misfortune

Jolene and I spent almost all of our time together and we were quite happy. She even told me
that she had been happy with me while she was breaking up with me. She cited the fact that
we were not going to get married as the reason why she broke it off, but I think that it was the
“support” group around her that led her to make this decision.

Doc, I don’t know what to make of all this. I know that I have to move on and cut off
communication with Jolene, but we have had some sporadic contact since the breakup,
though not for the past several days. I know that Jolene is running around town with her
famous sister, mother and best friend and being followed by the paparazzi. I feel as though I
got the short end of the stick here and think that she is being given advice by people who have
not seen us together and who have their own selfish agendas in mind.

Do you think there’s any chance of getting Jolene back? Do you think being related to
someone famous has twisted Jolene’s head? I’d appreciate your thoughts on these matters.

Ervin - who feels overwhelmed and outnumbered

doc love's answer

Hi Ervin,

You and Jolene didn’t just “break up” after two years. What you really mean is, “She dumped
me.” Why don’t you just man up and state the truth? I don’t want to be too harsh on you here
(I know some of you guys think that I beat up on you in my columns), but when you make a
big boo-boo, I can’t just tiptoe around it. You’re here for THE TRUTH, and that’s always
what you’re going to get. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dawg, the truth
shall set you free!”

move on
Dude, you have to get Jolene away from these blockers she’s with. Somehow you have to get
her to move out. Because there’s no distance between Jolene and her mother and “best
friend,” these people can bring down both her Interest Level and your Interest Level --
indirectly. Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, this kind of attack will wear you
down.”

Doc Love offers Ervin some more advice about getting his girl back...

I’m sure that Jolene has all the wonderful qualities you enumerate -- when she’s with you.
You can bet she’s not exhibiting the same qualities when she’s with the blockers. Pal, you
have to move this girl exactly because she’s always lived in her sister’s shadow. What have I
told you guys hundreds of times before? Change the environment. If you have to, move to
Bakersfield.

You know why Jolene’s mother doesn’t like you? Like the great Doctor Freud once said,
“That’s an easy one: Because she hates men.” To you Psych majors, you have to wonder
about a woman who hates the guts of a guy her daughter likes, and who treats her like Cary
Grant would -- classy. The fact that her mother hasn’t liked any of Jolene’s exes verifies what
I’m saying. And remember, when a girl hates “The System,” she’s not a good girl for you.

love hate
Buddy, you two weren’t happy when Jolene was breaking up with you -- she was the only one
who was happy. This reminds me of the girl who once said to me, “I love you so much, I just
can’t take all this happiness -- I have to get rid of you!” So I told her, “Please hurry up and
hate my guts so we can start kissing!”

The fact that you weren’t getting married wasn’t why you and Jolene went splitsville.
Women break it off for one reason, and one reason only. The reason she gave you was the
number two reason for getting rid of you. But the real reason is that you lowered her Interest
Level due to your past deportment. Ervin, you owned this girl way back when. She used to
idolize you once upon a time and now she wants to date other guys. She couldn’t wait to see
you when you were first going out and now she can’t stand the sight of you. What happened,
kiddo?

This so-called “support group” Jolene hangs with is really the third reason you broke up.
Remember: Only you can lower Jolene’s Interest Level.

I agree that Jolene’s two roommates hate your guts. And that’s a problem. So what can you
do? You have to wait for Jolene to call you. If she calls you, invite her over to your house and
cook dinner for her. But you’re not going to drive anywhere to meet her, and she has to come
to your place. If she says no, keep the conversation limited to five minutes and hang up. You
have to hope that her Interest Level is 51% to 55% because then you might be able to pull this
one out. But if it’s in the 40s or less, you’re history, my friend.

don't bet on it
Do I think there’s a chance of getting Jolene back? Well, if I were a betting man, I wouldn’t
take the action. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Las Vegas says it’s 10 to 1 that
you don’t stand a chance.”

Fame might possibly have twisted Jolene’s head. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says,
“Let’s put it this way -- who remembers Ashlee Simpson’s ex-boyfriend?” But keep in mind
that this girl never treated you badly, and when you were together you always had a good
time. You only had problems when you got around those two serpents she lives with. What
does that tell you?

Remember, guys: Anytime you get mixed signals, disappear.

She's Spreading Rumors

Hey Doc,

I stumbled on your site and column by accident a long time ago and I’ve been hooked ever
since. "The System" is great!

Doc, I have a major issue: I got into a relationship with a beautiful young lady, Shannon, a
year ago. It was all wonderful until the end -- which is usually the case. One night we really
went at each other, got into a huge argument over some really stupid stuff, and broke up. I
thought it was best if I let things cool off and then see where she was at because I didn’t want
to throw away one whole year of a good relationship just like that.

accusations and no answers

I was hurting. After about a week or so I tried calling her, but she wouldn’t pick up. At the
advice of a friend, I stupidly wrote her a letter, pouring my heart out to her. Still nothing.
Then I did what you say to do -- I got completely off Shannon’s radar. I cut off our mutual
friends too.

Now word on the street is that she’s telling everyone in our former circle -- mind you, that's a
lot of people -- that I was “stalking” her. This is complete bull! I understand that Shannon is
hurt and trying to make herself feel better, but still, this is wrong.

I’m still laying low because I don’t want to deal with this childish drama. My dilemma is that
I want to stand up for myself and tell my side of the story. Everyone thinks I went crazy and
that I’m a stalker, which is the total opposite of what really went down. My reputation is
valuable and now it’s ruined.

What should I do? Please help!!!

Yevgeny - who feels under attack

doc love's answer

Hi Yevgeny,

Let me thank you very much for the compliment, and I want to tell you why you think "The
System" great -- and it’s not because I wrote it. It’s because the fact that you’re faithfully
reading it shows that you’re open to change. And that’s a great trait in a guy. You’ll make a
great student.

I know exactly what you mean about your relationship being great until the end. Like Clint
Eastwood says, “It starts out good, then it goes bad, and then it just gets ugly.”

You didn’t just get into an argument with Shannon and break up. Like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says, “She set you up, paisan.” Guy, you have to look at that possibility. Think
about it -- after an entire year it takes only one tiny argument to make this girl want to never
see you again? No, no, no. There’s something else going on here. Ever hear of low Interest
Level?

getting her back? not an option

Yev, there was nothing to cool off. Shannon’s already with her next guy. You’re talking about
taking a break from this babe as if you have some option of going back. That option doesn’t
exist. Oh, my friend, you have so much work to do.

Doc Love reveals the down and dirty about when things go south with the ladies...

You might not want to throw away a whole year of a supposedly great relationship, but
Shannon does. And that’s the problem. This is all about what she wants, buddy. No matter
what you ever read or hear from the shrinks and sociologists and Feministas, it’s always about
what the woman wants.

I’m shocked that Shannon wouldn’t pick up the phone when you called her!
Gee, I thought she missed you! Let me tell you something. Spilling your guts in a letter only
works in Hollywood movies, daytime serials, and on Oprah’s show. But like my cousin
Brother Love down in Watts says, “In the street, it ain’t got no credibility.”

free-falling interest levels

At that desperate point of no return, you finally did what I told you to do. It’s
funny how I always come last, isn’t it? You guys never call me when Interest Level dips from
95% to 85% -- you call me when Interest Level does a free-fall from 95% to 35%. By then
it’s
too late.

But you do get a medal for taking yourself off Shannon’s radar and cutting off all your
mutual friends. This is fantastic! You did it, Yev -- you played hardball. Finally! Even if it
took a good old-fashioned slap down from Shannon to make you face reality.

Now think about this. You went out with a girl who was a whack-job for 12 whole months,
and now that you’re pulling a disappearing act, she sees you behind every bush. What is it
about her that you didn’t pick up earlier? You were with her all that time and you didn’t see
any other red flags? Man, this girl can get you in trouble with the local police department. If
she wanted, she could even inflict damage on your job. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
“Remember, my son, in America the male is always really the victim.”

you're hurt… she's not

But you maintain that Shannon is crushed by what happened between the two of you. Yev,
you’re the one who’s hurt in case you haven’t noticed. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says,
“Don’t worry about her. She’s kissing her new dude on the back of his Harley.” Or like my
Uncle Jethro Love puts it, “You’re hurtin’ and she’s got a can of Coors in her hand!”

But you’re still laying low so you don’t get involved in her hysterics. Here’s what you’ve got
wrong: This isn’t childish drama at all. The real problem is that your Interest Level is 88%
and hers is 35%.

Let me tell you why you shouldn’t stand up and tell your side of the story. The people who
like you are not going to believe Shannon anyway. And the rest of them didn’t like you to
begin with -- they can’t hate you any more than they already do.

turn the tables

I understand why you’re frustrated over the false accusations flying around, and I believe that
you’re telling the truth here. But you’re not going to react to it.

Here’s what you should do. If you have a good common friend, get him to call Shannon.
After he talks to her for 10 or 15 minutes, have him roll the conversation around to you. And
make sure he turns on the tape recorder. Then, after she’s blasted you and accused you of all
kinds of crimes, go to the police department and have a little talk with the officers before she
does.

Remember, guys: If she wants to play down and dirty, get to the cops first.
Long Distance Relationships

Hey Doc,

I have been a fan of yours for a long time, and you have helped me tremendously with my
current girlfriend, who I’ve been going out with for seven months.

My girlfriend, Sarah Jane, happens to be beautiful, smart, funny, and, did I mention,
gorgeous? She’s easily the best girl I’ve ever had. We have a great time whether we’re
playing volleyball or taking a cooking class. Plus, this girl always makes laugh. Even when
she’s dressed down in something like a sweat suit and sneakers she looks like a model. And
to top it all off, she’s just as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. She’s a Flexible
Giver and not at all hard-nosed or structured. I couldn’t find a better catch if I tried for a 100
years.

trouble in paradise
Now here’s my problem. In a few months I will be leaving on a church mission for two years.
There’s no way out of this obligation for me, so I can’t even think about it. I don’t know the
exact place where I’ll be stationed, but it could possibly be out of the country in a remote
location. Needless to say, I’m not looking forward to this entire situation.

While on this religious mission, my contact with Sarah Jane will be limited to letters, e-mails,
and only a few phone calls a year. I don’t want to lose Sarah Jane. Is there any way that I can
keep this woman interested in me for the next two years? She has expressed an interest in
waiting for me to return, but I know that a woman with her looks and qualities won’t last long
without a man by her side.

Is there any hope for me, Doc? Can you give me any tips for keeping her? Thanks in advance
and keep up the good work.

Joseph - who hates to leave her behind

doc love’s answer

Hi Joseph,

Since Sarah Jane is both beautiful and gorgeous, I can tell you right off the bat that we have a
lot of work ahead of us -- a LOT of work.

So, let’s take a look at your situation. You’re leaving the country on a church mission for two
long, lonely years. You’re going to leave your girl behind and she’s going to wait patiently
for you and nobody’s going to ask her out. The only problem you have is that she looks like
she
belongs on the cover of Vogue. But she’s going to be loyal to you for the whole time that
you’re gone. And you’re going to try and hold her Interest Level while you’re in Kenya
digging a sewer and preaching the Good Book. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “I admire
you for your faith, my son, but even God might not be able to help you with this one.”

exiled by faith
And you tell me you’re not looking forward to your long exile? Why not? Maybe they’ll send
you somewhere like Bahrain -- now there’s a nice place to live. They have lots of oil over
there and the king is very, very rich.

The picture is clear, dude. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You got real bad odds on this
here race, boy.” But I’m on your side, so we’re going to come up with a plan to try and help
you out.

Doc Love has a plan for old Joseph and his sweet Sarah Jane…

You’re right about one thing: Sarah Jane won’t last long without a man by her side. Because
like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “That’s because there’s going to be so many guys
hitting on her.” They’ll tell her “I just want to be your friend,” but they don’t really want to be
her friend -- they want to be her boyfriend. And they’re going to want to knock you out of the
box and you won’t be in town to hold your position. You’ll be organizing prayer meetings on
the other side of the world.

a hopeless cause
Is there any hope for you? You know what the Reality Factor says don’t you? “When you’re
5,000 miles away for years at a time, her memory starts to weaken.” So I’ll say it again, pal --
your chances are not good.

This is what you have to do. You have to keep it light and funny right up until the day you
leave for South Korea or Myanmar or wherever they send you. And then, when you’re
getting ready to board the plane, you’ll say to Sarah Jane, “Here’s my e-mail address. Keep in
touch, baby.” Forget the phone calls. If she wants to call you, she can call you. I don’t want
you phoning her. Then you just have to hope this girl can last and that she’s so busy on her
job that she doesn’t have time to go out and have a little fun with some other guy. Fat chance.

jody got your girl

Your best chance of making this relationship last is to keep Sarah Jane’s Interest Level in the
90s up until the time you leave town. Then you two are going to exchange e-mails and you’re
going to see how hard she tries to keep in contact with you. You’re going to have to hope that
at the end of two years she’s still writing and calling you and that nobody’s taken her out and
made her laugh. But like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “If I were you, and I met a nice
girl
out in the wilderness, I’d keep my options open.”

Here’s something else to think about, Joseph. When you got into this thing you knew you
were going to have to go off on this mission. Before you asked this girl for her phone number
and took her out on the first date, you should have said to yourself, “I better be careful about
falling for this stunner, because I’m going to have to take a two-year hike pretty soon.” And
you should have realized the heartbreak you were flirting with, especially with a girl who’s a
ringer for Jessica Alba. I’m not being negative here -- just honest and realistic. And I’m
trying to enlighten you, which is my job. To you Psych majors, in a sense this relationship
was doomed from the beginning.

perfect strangers
As you know, if you’ve read my book, I’m not a big fan of the long-distance relationship;
there are way too many obstacles to overcome. And if by some stroke of luck she’s still
around when you come back to America, you’ll be strangers to each other.

But I want you to do your best to beat the odds. That’s why I’m here -- to coach you guys to
have a fighting chance.

Remember, guys: When you don’t live close by, it’s a lot harder to check up on her.

Getting Over Your Ex

Hey Doc,

Please coach me!

Veronica and I broke up about five years ago. We were madly in love, but things didn’t work
out, mostly because of the battles she was having with her father and mother over our
relationship. We were quite young at the time.

Fast forward to the present. I’m now 29 and Veronica is 23. She phoned me out of the blue
recently to tell me that love never dies and that she misses me terribly. She was actually in
tears when she was telling me this. Suddenly everything came back to me and I realized that I
was still in love with her. I told her that I felt the same as she does.

picking up where we left off

Well, we got together and the magic and fire were still there. We got very romantic right away
and Veronica started talking about marriage and having kids with me. I was ecstatic. I felt like
I got my life back.
Now here’s the catch: She has a boyfriend. I was shocked! I immediately asked her to give
the guy up, but for some unfathomable reason, she hesitated and hasn’t done it. Making
matters worse, I happened to see them together -- I felt as if someone had driven a stake
straight into my heart.

i’ve lost her twice

Doc, I don’t know what to do. I feel as if I lost this girl twice. I know that if Veronica doesn’t
give up this boyfriend of hers that I’ll have to put her out of my life for good. The problem is,
of course, that I could never stop thinking about her in the first place. I feel as if my fixation
on her has destroyed a good part of my life.

So my questions are these: How can I persuade Veronica to drop this guy and get her back
again? If that doesn’t work, how does a guy get over a girl he can’t get over?

Nigel - who wants to stop suffering

doc love’s answer

Hi Nigel,

You were young when you started going out with Veronica. You were only 24, but you were
still too old for her. That’s because she was only 18 at the time. If I were her parents, I would
have put a stop to it, too. What you should have done was disappear and come back when
Veronica was a little older -- like about 23.

But I have to ask you this: If love never dies and she misses you so terribly, how come she
didn’t call you sooner?

Doc sets the record straight for Nigel…

moving too fast

It was OK to feel that you were head over heels for Veronica again, but this girl has to start all
over again with you. She has no track record with you, pal. You two haven’t even had your
Starbucks date yet, and you already told this girl you’re in love with her? Wow -- can you
move a little faster? Now think about it: the Starbucks first date versus the “I love you.” Do
you think maybe there should be a little bit of time between those two events?

I’m sure the magic and fire were still there for one night, but like my Uncle Jethro Love says,
“The blaze ain’t gonna last.” You might have felt like you got your life back when Veronica
started whispering all those lies in your ear, but man, you gave her way too much credit way
too soon. If she’s saying the same things three or four months from now and you don’t spot
any red flags, great! But you two haven’t even exchanged coffee!

she’s not interested

The unfathomable reason for you can’t figure out why Veronica won’t give up her boyfriend
is called LOW INTEREST LEVEL -- in you. That’s what the man can never look at and
accept. To you Psych majors, he always has to come up with some rationalization, a hundred
different reasons why she’s giving him trouble except the one that really counts, which is that
she doesn’t dig him.

You have to realize that what Veronica did was all a big act, my friend. She had a fight with
her boyfriend and decided to go back to someone who she knew was still waiting in the
wings. That poor sap was you. Since she felt bad after the tiff, she needed to find out if she
was still desirable. So she got her jollies with you, had her little return to yesteryear, then she
kicked you out. That’s the good part. The bad part is that she’s back in the arms of her
boyfriend. Whom she never left, by the way. She just wanted her ego stroked, that’s all.

you never had her

I know exactly how you’re feeling with that knife sticking in your heart, guy. You can’t even
catch your breath, can you? You’ve got a lot of work to do, Nigel. You have to learn to
practice SELF-CONTROL and not go so fast.

You didn’t lose this girl twice. You lost her once because you were too old to date her. The
second time you never had her to lose.

Do you think Veronica really cares if you bump her out of your life for good? Like my cousin
Fast Eddie Love says, “Right now she and her beau are at home cooking soup, dancing in the
kitchen to salsa music, and talking about how many kids they’re going to have, while you’re
busy driving a sliver of bamboo into your heart.”

love is a drug
The reason you never stopped thinking of Veronica in the first place is because love is a
drug. I tell you guys never to let your Interest Level get into the 90s, and she took yours all
the way to 100%. When you finally realize that hers is only around 7%, maybe you’ll wake
up. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Remember, my son, this is God’s way of telling you
you’re doing something wrong.” Nigel, you better get "The System" -- fast.

Of course your fixation on someone who doesn’t give a hoot about you has destroyed a huge
part of your life. That’s what drugs do. Veronica’s on your mind 18 hours a day. When you
go to sleep, you’re dreaming about her. And I’ve got news for you: She’s not leaving your
mind anytime soon.
There’s only one way to get Veronica to drop this guy and come back to you: Win the
lottery. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You take home a cool $88 million and
she’s gonna see the light. She’ll forget all about salsa music.”

How do you get over her? MEMORIZE MY PRINCIPLES AND INTERNALIZE THEM. Or
pay the price.

Remember, guys: As the old adage goes, time is mankind’s greatest healer.

She Won't Call

Hey Doc,

I’m just getting back into the dating scene after a two-and-a-half-year relationship, and I’m a
little rusty. I was familiar with your advice and a follower of your articles prior to my last
relationship, but I didn’t need to use them due to my ex’s constant attention regardless of
what I did.

following old-fashioned gender roles

Recently, I’ve been dating online and have had decent success in acquiring dates. Camille is
one of them, but she’s a tough read and doesn’t initiate contact. Normally I don’t like to be
the only one initiating contact. In addition, she’s the type of woman who is lavishly praised
for her beauty.

I have a close friend who is also a very attractive woman. She told me that even if she likes a
guy, she never initiates contact; she always waits for him to make a move before she
responds. She says that she’s old-fashioned and believes in gender roles and that I should just
keep calling and dating Camille.

Doc, is this acceptable? How does a guy appropriately deal with a woman who won’t initiate
contact?

while she’s abroad

I am doing the best I can to keep from getting sucked into the vortex of Camille’s life and
playing her game, and I’ve realized that I need to change my approach before I screw this up.
I have a month to come up with a plan since she will be traveling abroad during that time,
and I’ll only able to communicate with her through an online network. Which brings up
another question: Do I send Camille messages while she is gone? I don’t want to not contact
her for concern that she will think I’ve lost interest while she was gone. What do I do here?
Artie - who feels at a disadvantage

doc love’s answer

Hi Artie,

What you really mean to say about your failed long-term relationship is that you didn’t go by
my rules and she dumped you. If there was such a thing as “Manese” -- the male counterpart
of Womanese -- that’s what you’d really be saying here, wouldn’t it?

It’s amazing how the male ego can’t stand any type of discomfort. And the ego’s biggest
problem is called the TRUTH. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “The truth always implies
that you have to accept responsibility for your actions, and it inflicts pain because it tells you
that you have to get off your butt and follow 'The System.'"

dismissing the doc’s principles

Why were you breaking my rules on purpose, Artie? You’re telling me that you broke them
purposely, with impunity, and that your ex’s Interest Level didn’t drop. But like the great
Doctor Freud once said, “Didn’t it ever occur to you that the woman can fake Interest Level?”

Doc Love tells Artie to buck up and be chivalrous…

Even worse, why in the world would you forsake the principles that got the girl in the first
place? To you Psych majors, if a company builds its reputation on great service and it starts
giving lousy service, its customers will walk away. That would come under the heading of
“Common Sense.”

Camille shouldn’t initiate contact with you, guy. And by the way, I hope you’re not lavishly
praising this lady for her beauty. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “She
hears that from everybody, dog. She don’t need to hear it from you too.” But you’re wrong in
not wanting to initiate contact with her. Hey, man, you’re the aggressor. But you’re not going
to charge in like Bush on the way to Baghdad. Instead, you’re going to pace yourself; you’re
going to take measured steps. To all you thickheads out there who don’t understand me,
you’re going to go in SLOWLY.

be old-fashioned, but be shrewd

The great part about being gorgeous, like your lady friend, is that you don’t have to initiate
contact with anybody. Like my cousin General Love says, “There are too many soldiers
willing to commit telephone blunders as it is.” But it’s great that your friend waits for the man
to make a move before she responds. Artie, you should buy 10 pounds of candy and 200 roses
for your friend because she gives great advice -- this is fantastic. Of course it’s acceptable to
do it this way.

But what’s going to make you different from all the other guys? You’re not going to be a sap
who does everything the woman wants you to do; you’re going to set Camille up and you’re
going to work shrewdly and smartly with a strategy.

How do you deal with a woman who won’t call you? You follow my guidelines. All the advice
you need is between the covers of my book -- the one you supposedly knew at one time, but
somehow got rusty at because you stopped playing by the rules.

camille is a keeper
I like the way Camille is acting. This is a good, conservative girl. You’re going to proceed
nice and slow with her because this is the kind of girl you want. The typical girl goes out with
you one time and she’s texting you 50 times the next day. Something’s wrong with that girl.

You won’t inundate Camille with e-mail while she’s away. The most you’ll do is wait eight
or nine days and drop her a note that says, “Tell me about the fun you’re having on your
vacation.” And you’ll answer her messages when she’s gone. If you can live with it, you’ll
have to go along with her program because of the way this girl is built. But like my Uncle
Jethro Love says, “After you’re with her for 40 or 50 years, let me know how you’re holding
up.”

gauge her interest level

Camille can do what she wants with your little e-mail. But with her answer, if you have my
materials internalized, you’ll be able to see through her Womanese and really figure out her
Interest Level -- because you’ll be giving her a chance to come back to you with something.
Hopefully she’ll respond with, “When I get back, we’ll get together for sure.”

The point is that you’re looking for something, and hopefully she’ll throw that something into
her reply. That’s why you’re doing it this way, Artie. Like I said, you’re operating smart here
and like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “You never go straight in with a woman. You
gotta work the angles and the side shots like Oscar De La Hoya.”

Remember, guys: The old-fashioned girls are the best girls.

She Gives Ultimatums

Hey Doc,
I’m well aware of your advice that the woman’s Interest Level is EVERYTHING in a dating
relationship. Since I learned that, no matter what I’m feeling, I operate according to the reality
of that principle.

My problem involves a local celebrity I’ve gone out with for three months. I’m an attorney
in a midsized city in the Pacific Northwest. Being seen in the company of a blonde anchor-
babe is a big deal here. I’m not dating Reese because of an interest in showbiz; quite the
contrary. We were set up on a blind date by a mutual friend and there was chemistry right
away, both intellectually and physically. By the third month, we were inseparable. Mostly
she called me. I kept to a five-day interval between calls, and when she called me, I forced
myself to wait one day before returning it.

it's a family affair

Anyway, the problem finally arrived. Reese called Friday night and told me she wanted me to
attend her parents’ 40th wedding anniversary on Sunday afternoon. For an important family
event, the custom is to give plenty of advance time. I told Reese that I already had plans for
Sunday and that I hoped everyone would have a good time, but that I couldn’t go. Ten
minutes later she called again. She was furious. “You should consider yourself lucky that I
even invited you to this event!” That sort of thing. Apparently she was under the impression
that, like every other guy in town, I was under her control. Then she gave me an ultimatum:
Either I changed my Sunday plans or I was out of her life. I calmly told her that I wouldn’t be
attending because I didn’t have enough notice and because I had other plans. She slammed
the phone down and I went to bed.

Even though I was angry, I didn’t call Reese back. On Monday, she phoned me at my
office. She apologized for acting the way she did and said she’d been having a female
problem that made her uncontrollable. She asked me to forgive her.

the truth comes out

I told her I would. Then she confessed that she had actually had another date for her parents’
anniversary, but he backed out and she called me. She said, “It wasn’t fair to you, and I
wanted you to know.” She added that she had asked the other guy months before she started
dating me and that she was only interested in dating me.

My question is this: Should I give Reese another chance? The way I see it, she was
inflexible and she lied. That’s two strikes. Should I give her a third?

Wilbur - who’s confused but moving on

doc love's answer

Hi Wilbur,

Interest Level isn’t only everything; it’s the NUMBER ONE THING. Because, like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Baby, without it, you’re dead.”

Pal, I hope you don’t react to being seen in the company of a blonde anchor-babe. But I’m
happy that you two had instant chemistry. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Ah! That
rare moment in time when you both pass the physical attraction test with flying colors!”

Doc reveals where Reese went wrong...

I’m glad you forced yourself not to fall all over this girl and didn’t call her back the minute
she phoned you. Beautiful! What a tough guy you are. Like my cousin General Love says,
“We’re going to award you the Navy Cross!”

take the date

Wilbur, for any event, there has to be plenty of advance notice -- not just family events. But
you should have taken the date anyway, my friend, because it was INCOMING. To you Psych
majors, I know it was short notice, but it’s better to get time in with the girl. At least you
would have been there with her on Sunday, and you could have found out up close and
personal why she waited so long to invite you to the party.

The point is that you don’t know for sure that Reese was trying to control you. Guy, you don’t
know what she was doing. You’re just grabbing at straws. It could have been one of five
different things that she was up to when she threw her little fit.

But then she issued you an ultimatum. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Like my Uncle
Jethro Love says, “You gotta look at it this way, boy -- you found out sooner than later!”
Myself, I don’t deal with people who give me ultimatums. I don’t like it in business, and I
don’t like it in my social life.

Forgiving this girl was a BIG MISTAKE. You should have told her “Let me think about this.
Why don’t you get back to me in four weeks?” Reese can’t get off the hook just like that. She
has to receive temporal punishment for her sin. She can’t say, “Oh -- sorry, forgive me,” and
then you absolve her of all wrongdoing right away. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says,
“Dude, you have to make her feel the pain of missing you a little bit.”

her big mistake

Revealing that she had another date who backed out and that you were second choice was the
dumbest thing Reese ever could have come out with. She should have kept her bee-stung lips
shut and been happy that you were still there. Why is it that most women have this
compulsion to confess things that will only puncture a man’s sensitivities? Like my cousin
Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dog, she must be really mad at you!”

Wanting you to know about her subterfuge was stupid logic. How is your knowing that Reese
is a sneak going to make you feel better? How is it going to boost your Interest Level? No
way. This girl may be able to read the news off a teleprompter, but she’s got a lot to learn
about graciousness.

If Reese only wanted to date you, she should have called the other guy and canceled her date
with him after she went out with you for a couple of months. She should have told him,
“Listen, we won’t be going to my parents’ function.” But she didn’t do that. Worse, she asked
this guy to go with her six months before the day of the party, and she asked you two days
before the date. Was there somebody else in there whom she was thinking of inviting? HUGE
RED FLAG.

doc's verdict
Should you give Reese another chance? You already gave her another chance when you shot
your mouth off and told her you were letting her off the hook. You didn’t say you’d think
about it. You didn’t tell her to call you in a month and then saw what she did with it. If you
had, you would really have found out where she was coming from.

So that’s three strikes, Wilbur. She’s out.

Remember, guys: If she’s structured and can’t tell the truth, it’s time to get out of there.

Hiding Interest

Hey Doc,

I’ve read your articles and learned a lot from what you have to say. I was married for 10
years and my first wife divorced me a little over a year ago, so as you might have guessed,
I’m really unsure of myself when it comes to women.

However, there’s a beautiful woman at work I’m really attracted to. I’m so nervous around
Krista that I can barely manage to say hello. It turns out that she apparently feels -- or should I
say felt -- the same way about me, because I heard through the grapevine that she thought I
was hot. I was skeptical at first, but then she started looking at me and complimenting me. All
the signs of interest were there, which was great.

But one day she caught me off guard. She came into my office and tried to flirt a little and I
just froze. I guess she wanted to know where she stood with me, and so she came out and
asked. I told her, quite bluntly, I wasn’t interested. She just said “OK,” and walked away.

i messed it up
I felt like I had been kicked in the gut, because I knew I had made a huge mistake. Of course,
the end result is that now when I see Krista, she’s as cold as ice. For about a month afterward,
she wouldn’t even smile when she passed me in the hall. All I got was either a hurt and angry
stare, or she acted like she didn’t care at all. This practically killed me inside.

Doc, this isn’t what I wanted! I know I was stupid, I know I wasn’t thinking, but I only
wanted Krista to back off a little -- I didn’t want her to turn into the queen of ice! I know I
hurt her feelings, but I know she still feels some kind of attraction to me because I’ve caught
her looking at me from a distance.

what should I say?

We do say “good morning” to each other now, and sometimes she’ll smile. I’d like to say
more, but I have no idea what to say. Every time I work up the nerve to even stand in the
same room with her, there’s just this awkward, uncomfortable tension. I don’t want to look
like an idiot by acting interested when I said I wasn’t. I mean, wouldn’t that make me look
weak? On the other hand, don’t I have the right to change my mind? How would a guy using
"The System" turn this guarded lady back into the friendly admirer she once was? Can it be
done?

Deron - who’s afraid he blew it for good

doc love’s answer

Hi Deron,

If your wife divorced you over a year ago, and you’re familiar with my articles, why haven’t
you memorized the Dating Dictionary? Why the time lag? I got it -- you must be looking to
get dumped again before you finally wise up.

Can Deron make her interested again?

don’t believe what you hear

So, you heard about Krista’s interest in you through the grapevine. How do you know that the
people in the grapevine don’t hate your guts? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says,
“These people in the grapevine are all sweet and nice and everything, but don’t forget that one
of them wants to knife you!”
You should never go through third parties. You’re supposed to be like James Bond. Shut your
mouth. And like Sean Connery says, “Keep ’em at arm’s length!” Nobody in the office
should know a thing about your personal life.

you’re always off guard

But let’s move on to your bigger problem. When all the signs of interest were there from
Krista, why didn’t you just say to her, “BY THE WAY, WHAT’S YOUR HOME PHONE
NUMBER?”

This girl didn’t catch you off guard, Deron. You’re ALWAYS off guard. Like my cousin
Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “When this babe’s within 10 feet of you, you’re
mush!”

Dude, when this girl comes into your office trying to find out when you’re going to invite her
to Starbucks for coffee, ask for the home phone number BEFORE you freeze up. To you
Psych majors, striking first always gives you the power in the situation.

of course you screwed up!

I know "The System" is incredibly complex and it’s hard to remember to ask for the home
phone number, but that’s what you have to do. Don’t tell her you’re not interested, man. Do
you realize that when she said “OK” and walked away that you just rejected a B-plus? And
you said you learned a lot from reading my articles? You just told a hottie to take a hike! Are
you sure you read the right articles? You think you made a huge mistake? You’re being
polite! And like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “What you should have also realized, since
you’re working with this girl, is that you’re going to have to see her every day when it goes
bad.”

You didn’t really want Krista to back off a little. Dude, she was talking to you. She was
complimenting you. She was doing everything right, but you couldn’t mumble the words
“What’s your home phone number?” Because that’s too complicated, much too hard to do.
But you could find the right words to tell her to get lost, right? You could come up with
negatives and put-downs, couldn’t you? And you hurt her feelings when you could have just
said “What’s your home phone number?”

You might not have wanted to turn Krista into an ice queen, but what did you expect? She
was giving you all kinds of Interest Level, but what you did in response wasn’t a Challenge --
it was stupidity. You told her to get lost. Now you’re calling her a “guarded lady.” What you
mean is REJECTED LADY.

here’s what you do…

If you’re really, really lucky, and this girl somehow misinterpreted your slap in the face as
Challenge, then you still have to walk up to her and say “Listen, what’s your home phone
number?” We know you don’t know what to say, Deron. So here’s a line you can try: “What’s
your home phone number?”

There should be awkward tension between the two of you now because you don’t know
where you stand. Krista liked you once upon a time, but now you don’t know if there’s any
hope left or you’re just making yourself look more stupid.

is she still interested?

Forget about appearing weak, Deron. What you have to worry about is whether this girl still
has at least 51% Interest Level and whether you can bring it back up. Guy, it never makes you
look weak to ask for the home number. But you’re concerned about changing your mind. Like
my Uncle Jethro Love says, “What are you? Fickle?”

I don’t know if you can get this one back, Deron, especially the way you’re operating. Vegas
would say the odds are 20 to 1. Good luck.

Remember, guys: When your mind goes blank and your hands sweat, just force out those
five magic words: “What’s your home phone number?”

She Moved In

Hey Doc,

A friend turned me onto your website. I purchased "The System" afterward and wanted to
thank you for your insights.

Here’s my issue: I started dating Lana a few months ago. After we’d been dating for six
weeks, things got a little weird between us and I could feel her starting to distance herself. I
followed your advice and played it cool. I showed her less attention. Things got better, but
then worse again. It came to a point where I called her on it and told her I wasn’t happy with
the way things were going and either they changed or I was going to call it off.

i tried to cut her off

We stopped talking for a week. I didn’t respond to her e-mails and phone calls. After that
week of non-contact we went out for a friendly dinner, and then another friendly “date” and
we started seeing each other again. Things went great. Then, three weeks ago, Lana told me
that her lease was up and that she was stressed about trying to find a place to live. At the
same
time, my roommate was in the process of leaving the city for a new job. I told Lana that she
could move into my place until she found a place of her own.

she's moved in and distant

Lana is not the smothering type, quite the opposite. Since she’s moved in, she’s been busy
unpacking her stuff and spending time with her dog (she brought him along) or she’s tired
and we don’t hang out as much as we did when we didn’t live together. On top of it all, she
has her own bedroom and has been sleeping there because she “sleeps better” in her own bed.
I’ve been trying to follow your advice and not show that it bothers me, but it does. It’s
difficult to be a Challenge when Lana knows exactly what I’m doing all the time. How can I
get this girl to chase/want me like she used to?

Thanks, Doc, for any coaching you can give me.

Erik - who thinks he made a boo-boo

doc love's answer

Hi Erik,

Remember in "The System" that I tell you that you have to get 10 dates in with a girl, which
is usually two to three months of dating, before you really get an idea of what’s going on?
Apparently you never got that far in the book. I don’t know exactly when you got my
materials in relation to going out with this girl, but your problem is that Lana’s Interest Level
is in free fall. And what the man always does is overrate the girl’s Interest Level. Let’s say
that her Interest Level was 90% at one time, and now it’s dropped to what you now think is
70%. In reality, that means there’s a good chance it’s really only 45%.

In other words, pal, you’re in trouble.

Did things get worse again with Lana because you went back to your old behavior after
things had temporarily improved? That’s what happens to most guys. You’re like someone
who’s on a diet. The vast majority of dieters who succeed in losing weight go back to their
original weight. And the reason why is that they never realize that the principles that got them
thin will keep them thin. As soon as they get thin, they go back to their old gluttonous habits
and gain back all 100 pounds.

Where else did Erik go wrong and can he save the relationship?

Then you told Lana that you were unhappy and unless she changed, you were going to end it.
Now I know that you didn’t study "The System," buddy. You think you can sit down with a
girl whose Interest Level is only 45%, give her a talking-to and she’s going to jump up and
say, “OK, I’ll move my Interest Level back up to 90%! No problem!” No way.
begging won't get you anywhere
To make matters worse, Erik, you’re begging. Notice that when a girl’s Interest Level is in the
90s, you don’t have to sit down and talk to her? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East
L.A. says, “When you have to sit down and talk to her, it’s time to disappear.” You only
disappeared for a couple of hours.

You lasted a whole seven days without talking to Lana? You’re really a tough dude, Erik! The
problem is that you should have done it for two months, until this girl was banging on your
door and crying to see you.

But you caved in way too fast and started going out on friendly dates. When I hear the word
“friendly,” I cringe and immediately think “unromantic.” Like my cousin Sal “The Fish”
Love says, “When you’re talking about your girlfriend, ‘friendly’ is a horrible word.”

she's homeless... so what?

Being stressed about not having a place to live is not your problem, man. Like the great
Doctor Freud once said, “You’re not her psychiatrist.” You should have told Lana, “Honey,
here are the classifieds. I’m sure you’ll find a nice place.” And that’s the end of it. Then you
change the subject. Lana’s not having a place to live has no connection with you and her
flagging Interest Level. You’re trying to imply that it does.

So you told her to move in with you... Now I know you didn’t even open my book. Like my
cousin Rabbi Love says, “Is the good book gathering dust, my son?” Let me tell you
something, guy: When you’re having problems with a woman, the LAST thing you want to
do is come on strong to her.

But it’s too late, because now Lana is under your roof. And you’re trying to make her your
lover, where in reality she only wants to be your roommate. That’s all you are -- a roommate.
And she was wrong for taking advantage of you. It means you’re both dumb.

dog eat dog world

Lana brought a mutt into your house? Your Interest Level is way up in the 90s because you
let her get away with that in spite of the fact that you’re a clean freak. If you read my book,
you’d know that you’re not supposed to let it get that high.

Since Lana moved in, she doesn’t like to hang with you anymore. What did I tell you at the
beginning? Her Interest Level is swirling in the toilet. You moved her into your house in
hopes of bringing it back up. And your Interest Level is so high that you don’t even see it.
Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “She has more interest in her dog than she
has in you.”
Of course Lana sleeps in her own bed. Why would she want to sleep with a guy she only
has 45% Interest Level in? You’re just a pal to this girl -- and a dog-walker. By the way, be
sure to carry a plastic bag to pick up all the stuff the dog leaves behind on the sidewalk.

The biggest problem you’ve got is that you can’t use my advice on a girl whose Interest Level
is short of the 50-yard line. To you Psych majors, Challenge doesn’t work on a girl who
doesn’t like you. She has to like you; otherwise you’re nothing more than a roommate -- and a
dog-walker. It’s impossible to even be a Challenge when a girl doesn’t dig you to begin with.

Remember, guys: When you’re having problems with her, don’t move her in.

She's Older

Hey Doc,

I’m 22 and I’m dating a 38-year-old woman. Janine and I met in a bar, talked for a long time
and ended up getting very romantic very quickly. Every time we see each other the same thing
happens -- we talk about everything, her hopes and her fears, the future, what we want in life,
we laugh a hell of a lot, then it’s followed by romance and we spend the next day together and
so on. It’s really been great, since our personalities complement each other really well.

age is an issue... for her

The problem is that Janine is worried about our age difference. It might sound arrogant, but I
know I’m an attractive guy; she’s said several times that she can’t understand why I’m with
her, and that she’s worried I’m going to meet someone closer to my age and leave her. I get
the feeling sometimes that she’s setting me up for rejection, that one day she’ll just decide
that it’s not going to work between us and she’ll cut me loose.

Doc, I really like this woman. We have so much fun together and I’ve given her no reason to
think I’m going to dump her. I don’t ogle other women, I’m attentive to her needs and I’ve
tried to reassure her that it’s only her I’m interested in and no one else. But she just doesn’t
believe me! I know she was treated badly by a guy a few years ago and that trust is an issue
for her.

is there a future?
I really don’t like seeing Janine worrying over this. Everything in our relationship is fine apart
from this one issue of age, and I think that if we could overcome it we could have a future
together.
Can you give me any coaching? What’s your opinion of the chances for a man and woman
with a significant age difference making it for the long run?

Thanks.

Rowley - who thinks he’s found the one

doc love's answer

Hi Rowley,

If everything’s going so great with you and Janine, what’s the problem, pal? Sounds like you
two are having a great time. Forget about the 16-year age difference. Though, like the great
Doctor Freud once said, “Actually, it’s more like 26 years, because women truly understand
men.”

But like a dog with a juicy bone, it looks like Janine’s not going to let go of the issue so fast.
She’s carrying around all these fears and worries about your age difference. The problem is
that she might be telling you the truth, but then again she might not. You have to be slick here
to figure out what’s really going on. Like I’ve always told you guys, you have to be like a
detective on "Love and Order" to get to the bottom of things.

the mother/son complex

So let’s look at this situation a little more closely.

Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “The lady’s probably just uncomfortable with
everyone on the street staring her down because she’s hanging all over a guy who looks like
her son.” But I say that if you two are enjoying each other and you’re respectful to each other,
stick it out. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “There are worse things in life
than dating a woman who looks like yo’ mama.”

That said, it certainly is possible that Janine is setting you up to be dumped. Here’s the key
question: If the two of you were stranded on a desert island, would she be thinking that you’re
going to break up?

Can Janine get over the big number gap, and what can Rowley do to help?

You shouldn’t be telling Janine that you’re only interested in her and no one else because it
doesn’t help the situation. The problem is that Janine is uncomfortable, and crowing about
your high Interest Level is not going to relieve her discomfort. Like my cousin Rabbi Love
says, “Son, down deep she wants a 40-year-old.” But since you get along so well and have so
much fun together, she’s toughing it out with you -- for the time being, at least. Like my
Uncle Jethro Love says, “She’ll stick around until she finds a guy her own age.”
don't let her bring up the break up
In fact, the age difference is an issue, whether or not it should be. Talking about how you’re
going to break up is a big negative, and Janine brings it up way too much. But I say that
you should enjoy the ride and forget about rejection.

Janine doesn’t really believe for a minute that you’re going to dump her, my friend. But she
can’t get the subject of age out of her head. Eventually this is going to be a deal breaker. But
don’t let it get you down. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from east L.A. says, “Maybe she’ll
set you up with her 21-year-old daughter.”

Regarding the other guy and Janine’s issues with trust, you should come right out and ask her,
“Have I ever done anything untrustworthy?” If you haven’t, then relax.

The next time she starts fretting over how old and beat she is and how young and good-
looking you are, break the date and leave. Here’s what you tell her, “I’ll be back when you’re
not going to worry about this age stuff in front of me.” Then see what she does.

an elephant in the corner

Of course everything is fine in your relationship, dude. Except that AGE is an issue -- a
massive issue. But it’s not really all about age. There’s something going on between this
woman’s ears that has nothing to do with age.

You don’t have anything to overcome regarding age because it’s not an issue for you. But
Janine has to want a future with you for it to be irrelevant. If she doesn’t want a future with
you, you’re going to continue to have an age problem. Because you have to have a reason to
break up other than low Interest Level. The Reality Factor says that it really is low Interest
Level at work here, and she’s just using the age issue as camouflage to hide the real reason
from you.

don't pay for her hang ups

The odds of your making it with Janine are 100% if her Interest Level is high. But she’s
beating you over the head with this huge red flag called AGE. It doesn’t really matter what
the issue is -- in the long run she wants a way out of this relationship.

Remember, guys: If she’s hung up on something, you’re the one who’s going to pay for it.

Getting Rid Of Her Ex

Hey Doc,

About a year ago I started dating Gabriela and we had a great relationship. Things between us
were pretty perfect, until she broke up with me after six months because she said she thought
my new job would be too hard on the relationship. I didn’t really believe this excuse because
I felt that if she really cared about me we’d be able to work around the tough scheduling, but
she insisted that this was the sole reason for the break up.

the ex is back
Well, I came to find out a few weeks later that she was back with an ex-boyfriend from four
years ago who just moved back to the area. As devastated as I was, I still cared about
Gabriela and after about a month of no communication we started hanging out again. Of
course, I had a lot of issues about what happened between us, but she denied leaving me for
this other guy and claimed she only started having feelings for him again after we broke up.

So the situation at hand is that Gabriela tells me she’s reconsidering what she thought she had
with this guy, and that she still has feelings for me but isn’t ready to leave him yet since he
was the one she was planning on marrying. She’s basically telling me that she wants me to be
her backup guy if things don’t work out with this other guy. She gets really ticked off at me if
I hook up with other girls or even thinks that I’m trying.

can i make her choose me?

Doc, how can I get Gabriela to finally cut this other dude loose and get back together with
me? I’m running out of ideas and patience, but I really do love this girl and I'm not ready to
give up just yet.

Any tips you can give me would help. By the way, I faithfully read your articles.

Axel - who can’t figure out how to beat him

doc love's answer

Hi Axel,

Let’s start with this question: Does a woman with an Interest Level way up in the 90s really
care what job you have and how hard you work? When you’re tied to a job, at least she’s
pretty sure you’re seeing only her and that you love her.

The sad part here is not that Gabriela gave you some of the best Womanese I’ve ever heard in
my life, but that you actually thought she was telling you the truth. Not only that, but like the
great Doctor Freud said, “When she handed you all her malarkey you thought it had
something to do with reality.” That’s why I know you haven’t memorized "The System."
Doc Love sets Axel and his hope for a relationship with Gabriela straight...

So, Gabriela’s back with her old boyfriend. The question is, why? She’s probably just
convalescing with this guy until she’s ready to make her next move. She went back to her old
boyfriend because she was bored with you and because he’s back in town and they used to
have a good time. After all, she needs a stepping-stone to the next guy. But it’s not going to
last between them because you can’t go back.

You went from no communication whatsoever with Gabriela to hanging out with her? That
was quite a leap you made, pal. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “In other
words, you called her up and begged her to go out and have donuts and coffee.”

she tricked you with womanese

Gabriela only picked up with this guy after you broke up, did she? Let me tell you, I haven’t
heard Womanese this great since Angelina Jolie swore that she wasn’t interested in Jennifer
Aniston’s husband until after they were separated. Wow, Axel. This girl is one of the best. It’s
like you’re starving, and you’re in a river up to your waist and you’re trying to catch an 18-
inch rainbow trout. Every time you get hold of it, it wiggles and jumps out of your hands, and
then you grab it again and go through the whole thing over and over again -- until finally, you
lose it. That’s what this girl’s doing to you right now.

Now she’s “reconsidering” everything she had with this guy. You know what I like about this
girl? She’s got all her bases covered, baby. Everybody’s happy with her explanations. In other
words -- to you Psych majors -- she’s going to keep dating two turkeys and misleading both of
them until turkey number three comes along. Why? Because the Bottom Line Factor says
these guys are both has-beens. Sorry to say, Axel, you’re one of them. Sure, she wants you to
be her backup guy. And since you’re a stooge, you agreed to this arrangement, right?

make her jealous

But you’re missing the key to the mystery here, Axel, and it’s sitting right under your nose!
The mere thought of other women gets to this girl. How the heck did you miss it? Are you
sure you’re reading my articles and not watching Oprah instead? Here’s what you do: Call
Gabby and ask her for dating advice. Tell her about these two models you just met. The
problem is that they’re constantly fighting over you. And you dig both of them, but their legs
are too long and you don’t know what to do about the situation. So can she help you out?

The only way you can snare Gabriela once and for all is to be seen with lots of Beautiful
Women hanging all over you. Good luck.

stop hoping
When you say you don’t want to give up on this girl, you imply there’s a chance, that
there’s still hope for you. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Boy, you gotta lay off those 40-
oz jugs of beer!”

You might “faithfully” read my articles, but you need to forget about that word and
concentrate on the word MEMORIZE -- as in MEMORIZE "The System." You’ve made too
many mistakes, dude. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East LA says, “This girl’s been
working you like Picasso worked the canvas.”

Remember, guys: When it’s over, don’t entertain false hope.

Her Dating Past

Hey Doc,

I am new to your website and just recently ordered and received "The System." My situation
is this: I’ve just been dumped after a year-and-a-half-long relationship with someone I work
with. Even though I didn’t know about your techniques two years ago when Sophia and I
became friends, I played it cool and apparently was a total Challenge, even though Sophia is
stunning to look at, because within three months she’d dumped the guy she was with and
became my girlfriend with very little effort on my part.

ad busted
I was suspicious, however, as I’d pried enough information out of Sophia to know that she’d
left every relationship she was ever in for a new guy. I even joked with her about not wanting
to be the next chump, and actually held my Interest Level at about 75% for the first six to
eight months. However, I had an online dating ad that I’d used previously, but not while we
were together.

Sophia saw it on my computer browser and went ballistic. I apologized to her (I know --
groveling, very bad!) and in that moment the Interest Levels in our relationship completely
switched. Mine shot up to 95% and hers dropped to 70% or lower. The long slide to below
40% took a year for Sophia, and of course my Interest Level increased to compensate (which
I now know had exactly the opposite effect on her).

who's to blame?
So here’s my question: Was I wrong for not listening to my intuition about this woman? It
seems she leaves every guy for a new chump the same way. Does the way a woman leaves a
relationship have anything to do with the way she’s going to act in the future? Should a guy
be concerned about getting involved with her in the first place?
I’m a rookie, but I’m ready to do it differently next time.

Roberto - who’s trying to learn from his mistakes

doc love's answer

Hi Roberto,

You say Sophia dumped you. In other words, you wasted your time for a year and a half, got
dropped and still have no idea how to change your behavior. Luckily, you ordered "The
System" and you’re going to memorize it. Then you’ll be able to straighten yourself out.

Did you ever hear of dating, Roberto? What happened to that stage of the process? Sounds to
me like you skipped that step, and that’s a problem. You should have dated this girl before
becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, there was a
swiftness in this operation that was very dangerous.”

You should have gone about this whole thing slowly, waited until after Sophia dumped the
other guy and then called her, asked her to Starbucks, waited a week, given her another call,
etc. -- the way it’s supposed to be done.

don't use brute force

But you just bullied your way straight into the relationship stage like 90% of the guys
confronted with a girl who could pass for Jessica Alba. You bought into this girl way too fast.
Part of the reason for going in with cautious deliberation is to make sure the girl’s not just
doing a rebound -- or as they say in Australia, a boomerang.

Roberto's still new to the game, but he should have known better...

Sophia should leave every relationship for a new guy -- that’s what Beautiful Women do.
When this girl looks in the mirror she says to herself, “Wow -- I should be on the cover of
Cosmo!” And she’s right. Let’s face it, nobody gets rid of a Beautiful Woman. They get rid of
guys.

Kidding about Sophia dumping you is a very heavy subject. I hope you had the utmost
confidence in yourself when you were doing it, because you were treading on very thin ice
there, pal. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “You have to be careful not to plant the
wrong idea in her head.”

always make a fresh start

When she spotted that old dating ad on your computer, it showed that you’re sloppy. As soon
as Sophia said, “I want to be your girlfriend,” you should have gone through everything you
owned and anything from any other girl and gotten rid of it -- starting with the stuff on your
computer. There’s too much stuff on the computer as it is. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
from East L.A. says, “Unless you want your mom and the Pope and the CIA seeing it, erase
your history.”

You didn’t grovel when Sophia went nuts on you. You should have apologized to her because
you were wrong to flaunt your dating habits in front of her. You weren’t wrong for having the
ad in the first place, but you were wrong for not getting rid of it. That’s what you should have
told her, and that’s not groveling. Like the old cowboy saying goes, “When you’re wrong,
stand up like a man and take your medicine.”

free-falling interest levels

But let’s go a step further. When this girl went ballistic it wasn’t because of what was on your
computer. That was just an excuse. She was attacking you because of her low Interest Level.
Her Interest Level was already falling, buddy. Of course she wasn’t going to tell you that. But
that was the number one reason for her tirade. The number two reason is that your profile’s
still on a dating site when you’re supposed to be her exclusive boyfriend. So she was
camouflaging her true intentions. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dawg,
you got a lot of work to do!”

You think Sophia’s Interest Level only dropped to 70%? Don’t you mean 35%? You should
have gotten out of there before her long slide began, dude. There’s an old saying in sales,
“When you keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to get the same results.” Instead of
letting your Interest Level run wild, you should have not reacted to what she did and practiced
a little Self-Control.

you'll be dumped again

Forget about your intuition. Sophia is a Beautiful Woman, and like I said before, guys are at a
disadvantage when it comes to Beautiful Women. Who’s going to dump her? All women
drop guys the same way. You’re trying to read more into rejection than what is really there.
Like the Reality Factor says, “Somebody’s going to dump somebody, and since she looks like
Kate Beckinsale’s twin sister, she’s never the one who’s going to get dumped.”

This girl isn’t going to change her behavior. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says,
“She’s going to act the same way until she finds somebody who doesn’t make her into his
mama and doesn’t bore her to death.” And of course you’re going to get involved with her,
but like my cousin General Love says, “Before you do, you have to prepare for war,” and that
means memorizing "The System." Until then, you’re wasting your time. You’re going to get
slaughtered because you don’t know what you’re doing. So I certainly hope you’re going to
do it differently next time!
Remember, guys: When you get into the Ring of Love with a Beautiful Woman, you better
know how to box.

Revealing Your Feelings

Hey Doc,

I’ve read some of your articles and I believe you can help me. A few months ago I met Debbi,
who shares many common interests with me. I like everything about her, such as her
personality and looks. But I think I’ve already messed up. Hopefully you can help me to
bounce back.

Debbi and I met in a bar and she was initially interested in my friend. Somehow we ended up
talking, and I got her phone number. Later in the week I invited her over to a friend’s party.
She showed up a little tipsy, but not completely drunk. She practically threw herself at me,
but nothing happened between us. She ignored me for about a week, then out of the blue all
she did for two weeks was call me every day wanting to talk for hours. That’s when I decided
that I could really see a future with her. Then I did it: I told her I had feelings for her.

what did i do wrong?

I called Debbi the next day but she was at work, couldn’t talk, and didn’t phone me for five
days. What did I do wrong? I thought she felt the same about me as I did about her. I felt so
stupid for opening up to her. Finally, she called me and told me that she’d been busy and in a
depressed mood. We got together at my place, kissed and that was all. She later revealed that
when I told her my feelings for her it was a shock and she didn’t know how to respond.

Doc, I feel that telling Debbi my feelings set me back a few steps because she’s still acting
standoffish. At this point what can I do to finally reel her in? Or is it a lost cause?

Lukie - who’s trying to back-peddle

doc love’s answer

Hi Lukie,

I think it’s very sweet that Debbi shares all these common interests with you. But I’ve got
news for you: There are lots of great relationships where the people involved have absolutely
no interests in common. And the reason is because the woman has extremely high Interest
Level.
I know you like everything about Debbi; otherwise you wouldn’t be talking about her, right?
But instead of that, you should be telling me about all of her buying signals. What have I
told you guys again and again? YOUR INTEREST LEVEL DOESN’T MATTER. ONLY
HERS MATTERS.

Doc tells Lukie exactly what to do…

what about your friend?

As a matter of fact, Debbi was interested in your friend first. So how did this thing do a flip-
flop? Why did she forget about your buddy? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts
says, “What happened, Dawg? Was he even drunker than she was?” Or did he reject her, then
she had two more shots, you were sitting there and she decided that you looked good too?

But you were so desperate that you didn’t care that she was chasing your friends. You invited
this babe to another friend’s party. So now you’re doing a group date. That’s another cardinal
rule you broke -- NO GROUP DATES. But the good thing is that Debbi wasn’t completely
bombed when she showed up. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “No big
deal. She just started with a few Rolling Rocks at noon.”

Of course nothing happened when she threw herself at you. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
“A gentleman would never take advantage of someone who could be the president of AA.”

so she finally called…

After vanishing for a few days -- probably with one of your good friends -- finally Debbi
broke down and called you every day wanting to gab for hours. To you Psych majors,
inconsistent behavior means one of two things: you’ve got a woman with low Interest Level
or a LOON on your hands.

Nevertheless, you see a future with Debbi. Dude, you can’t get to the first date with this girl
and you’re already marrying her? Hel-lo?

she doesn’t care, buddy

The truth of the matter is that it didn’t hurt at all that you told Debbi you had feelings for her.
Because her Interest Level had already dropped to 35% and then it plummeted to 5% after
you shot your mouth off. Remember: You should never try to keep somebody who doesn’t
want to go out on the first date.

Debbi was at work and couldn’t call you? You’re trying to soften the reality of the situation
here, Lukie. She could have called you at lunch. She does get a lunch break, doesn’t she? Or,
because she misses you so much, she could have told her boss, “I’ve got an emergency! Can I
take five minutes off and run outside to the parking lot to talk on my cell phone?” Hey, she’s
really into you, Lukie!

here’s where you went wrong…

What did you do wrong with this girl? You never got to first base, man. Worse, you didn’t
even hit the ball! You thought Debbi felt the same way about you? How can you tell -- by her
actions? Or because all she can pull is a disappearing act?

Don’t worry about feeling stupid for opening up to Debbi. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish”
Love says, “The good part is she won’t remember a thing about it because the next day she’ll
have a hangover.”

Now she’s depressed. So she’s an alcoholic and she’s popping pills for depression. Booze and
pills -- there’s a great combo for a successful long-term romantic relationship!

why was she shocked?

Of course it was a shock when you revealed your feelings to Debbi, for one simple reason:
hers weren’t the same as yours. That’s the NUMBER ONE FACT in the Dating Dictionary,
Lukie. You better memorize it. Even if her Interest Level was 95% and yours was 85%, it still
wouldn’t have worked out, but at least it wouldn’t have been as bad.

You think your big mouth set you back a few steps? Pal, you mean it set you back 100,000
miles! Sure, she’s standoffish. Her behavior is bound to waffle because her Interest Level is
south of 50%.

Lukie, why would you want to reel this girl in? Why would you want a woman who has so
many issues in your life? Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Are you being rational?”

Here’s the best thing you can do: Buy a bar.

Remember, guys: Candy’s dandy, but Jack Daniels is quicker.

She's Cheating

Hey Doc,

Rachel and I have been married for four years and together for a total of eight years. Things
seem to be getting worse and worse for us. I am at the breaking point and I don’t know what
to do. I know what my friends think I should do, but they’re my friends and they will go
along
with whatever they think I want. But I need an outsider’s opinion, which is why I’m coming
to you.

an affair to remember
While I could write a novel about my past with Rachel, here are the latest highlights: Two
years ago, I found out that my wife had an affair with someone who was supposed to be a
friend. The three of us were at a Halloween party at the time and I had two-six packs in me. I
completely lost it, damage was done, cops were called, and the rest is history. I guess I never
really got over the fact that she cheated.

While Rachel and I are still together, I can’t help but ask myself why. We are in financial
distress, and she makes me feel like it’s all my fault. While I am trying to build a business on
the weekends, she drives halfway across town to go to the pool with her “friends.” She stays
there all day long and I can never get in touch with her. Also, she is very protective of her cell
phone. She once tackled me to prevent me from looking into it. She receives text messages
constantly and laughs them off as stuff from her friends or sister. Every now and then she
says that some guy from the bar (a former bartender) calls, but that she always ignores him
and doesn’t understand why he doesn’t get the hint. I find it all too hard to believe.

Doc, I find myself daydreaming of something better, and when I do, Rachel is never part of it.
Should I suck it up and get over her affair, or should I cut my losses and move on before it’s
too late to better myself? Thanks.

Carlo - who needs a nudge from an expert

doc love's answer

Hi Carlo,

You don’t have to convince me that things are getting worse for you -- there’s no doubt in my
mind whatsoever that you’re at the breaking point, as you say. By the way, I just read the
latest statistics, which say that the most common point of divorce for first marriages is eight
years -- what a coincidence!

Now let me get this straight: You’re talking to your friends -- who are also her friends --
about this whole mess you’re embroiled in? Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, I
sure hope you never get a job in an intelligence capacity for the United States Government,
because you wouldn’t last a day!”

Carlo, your friends should know nothing about your personal life. Want my opinion? You talk
way, way too much.

These latest “highlights” of your life with Rachel sound more like lowlights to me. When she
had that affair with your good friend, right there it was over, dude. When she commits
adultery with some guy, she's out forever. And Carlo, there’s no 99.9% qualifier on this one.
This is an absolute 100% slam dunk -- as in, she's out! As far as what happened at that
infamous Halloween party, I have to say that you’re the first guy I’ve ever met who’s the
exact opposite of Cary Grant.

Doc Love asks Carlo some hard-hitting questions...

So, I’m shocked that you and Rachel are still together. Let me ask you a couple of questions,
man: When she goes off to the liquor store and returns four hours later, does it bother you?
When she walks in late at night and her blouse is wrinkled and a button is missing and she
can’t tell you where she was, do you lose sleep over it?

a reality check
You insist that you’re in financial distress. But what about the emotional wringer this babe is
putting you through? Carlo, you’re with a woman who can’t stand the sight of you! Like my
cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “I could understand it if you were fixed like Bill
Gates, but you’re broke, dog.”

You know why you can’t reach Rachel at the pool? Because she’s frolicking in the water
with another guy, that’s why. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If she’s fooling
around with a new man she’s actually interested in, why would she want to talk to somebody
from the past she could care less about?”

Of course Rachel’s protective of her cell phone. She wants to control the flow of intelligence
at all times. After she cheated on you with your friend, do you not find it hard to believe that
all of her calls and text-messaging are nothing but innocent little chitchat? Like my cousin
Rabbi Love says, “My son, what’s not hard to believe is that this woman broke the marriage
contract.”

I’m glad that when you daydream of your future Rachel is never part of it. Like the great
Doctor Freud once said, “This is good. It shows that at least some of the pain has sunk in.”

get over it
I think you should suck it up and get over it. And I’m not talking about the affair -- I’m
talking about Rachel, Carlo. And there can’t be any or involved. It has to be, and you should
cut your losses. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Get out of there, man,
and get out of there fast. She’s already carved out your heart. What are you waiting for?”

To you Psych majors, you have to study a girl’s character and past. And unless you do that
before getting all entwined with her, you’re not going to make it over the long haul.
You picked the wrong one here, Carlo. This woman has no integrity.

Remember, guys: If they kiss another man, you’re out of there.

She's On The Rebound

Hey Doc,

Never before have I written one of these “help” letters. I feel silly, but sometimes an outside
opinion is best.

Tracee had just gotten out of a failing relationship and the day after she broke up with the
guy, we went out on a date. Things went well, but I cautioned that if she needed to take time
to get over the breakup, to please take it -- she declined all three times I asked.

We did a lot together and she called to talk to me all the time. All advances were made by her,
other than the fact that I planned a whole day for her birthday. About six weeks into it, she
asked me to be her boyfriend. I was hesitant, but felt that if she asked, she must really want to
be with me. I agreed. A few days later she told me that she was confused, hasn’t had time to
herself, and wanted to meet new people (she’s 20 and I’m 22), but she didn’t want to hurt me
and felt it was best if we just played the dating scene for a while.

you're a great guy, but...

I told her that I don’t share my girls, and then broke it off, giving her an option to come back
when she was ready. When we talked a couple days later, she told me that I should try and
see things from her point of view: She just got out of a relationship in which she was treated
like crap and then she met me and I’m wonderful, but she’s confused and doesn’t know what
to do. She has a boatload of work, she worries about running her parents’ hair salon, and she
still has to deal with a psycho ex.

I told her I was sorry she has so much going on and that I would rather be someone she could
rely on in her life than a problem, but I needed to know if our relationship was going
somewhere because I don’t want to be waiting forever. She replied: “I really want it to go
somewhere, but you have to believe me and have a little faith that I am not out slutting it up. I
like you a lot.”

Doc, is she worth my time? Maybe you can help me understand.

Wilton - whose head is spinning

doc love’s answer
Hi Wilton,

This isn’t a “help” letter. It’s a coaching letter. If you need help, go and see someone who has
a sheepskin hanging on his wall. But if you want to find out what you’re doing right and
what you’re doing wrong with the ladies, allow me to be your Love Coach.

Now, why in the world are you getting serious with this girl so fast? You’re not here to be
her counselor. You’re not here to change the way she lives. You are here to be the clown.
You are here to play the court jester. In other words, you’re here to boost her Interest Level
in you
-- and that’s all.

tracee’s thick skull

Let me make sure I got this right: You asked this girl to get rid of you three times in a row?
You might have said it once in jest, but the truth is that you never should have said it at all.
But you said it three times. You were beating Tracee over the head with it. Maybe she’s as
thick as you are and thought you were trying to be a Challenge.

Will Doc Love break through Wilton’s thick head?

rebounds are only good in basketball

Whatever happened, at that point she was all over you like a cheap suit. You weren’t
returning all her calls… were you? You were letting her talk to your answering machine,
right? I hope so, because you shouldn’t have been talking to this girl. She just came off a
relationship, pal, and you have to make sure that she’s not on the rebound.

When you say she made all the advances in your relationship, please define your terms. Are
you saying that she called you once or twice a day every single day? Or are you saying that
she asked you out every single day and you went out with her each time (which you
shouldn’t have been doing)? You should have paced yourself with this girl, Wilton. You have
to spoon- feed yourself because her emotions are bouncing around like a pinball.

devil’s delight
You say you were hesitant about getting in deep. Ah-ha! Know why you were uncertain?
Because there was this little angel up on your right shoulder saying: “Be strong. Be strong.
Tell her no!” And over on your left shoulder was a little devil dressed in a black suit
whispering: “Don’t listen to Doctor Love. She’s coming at you! Take it! Take it! Take it!”

But like my cousin Rabbi Love puts it, “Here’s the problem, my son: you didn’t have enough
time in with this girl to be her boyfriend.” And also remember that she’s on the rebound.

You don’t share your girls, Wilton? Number one, this girl isn’t property; and number two, she
doesn’t want to be your property. Tracee broke it off before you broke it off, in case you
missed that important fact. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You were breaking off
thin air, paisan.” And you gave her the option to come back when she was ready -- very big
of you, Wilton. To you Psych majors, when the girl leaves you before you leave her, she’s
never going to be ready to come back.

tracee is fluent in womanese

But she told you that you were wonderful… so wonderful that she has low Interest Level.
Doesn’t that seem like a contradiction in terms? I have to tell you, Wilt, this lady speaks
beautiful Womanese.

I’ve got news for you, my friend: Tracee’s not dealing with one psycho ex -- she’s dealing
with two psycho exes. Like my cousin General Love says, “You just joined the squad,
soldier.” Now you’re only a problem in Tracee’s life because you’re stalking her. The reality
is that you were actually out a long, long time ago.

That said, she told you that she likes you a lot. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East
L.A. says, “She likes you so much that she wants to spend time with other men.” And, as the
great Doctor Freud put it, “You know, that’s really logical!”

wasted wishes
Is Tracee worth your time? Buddy, right now you’re wasting your time. And I can tell you
this for sure -- you’ve got a lot of work to do in order to memorize my materials.

Remember, guys: when she says she’s confused, it really means you’re out.

Dating After Divorce

Hey Doc,

I’ve read some of your articles online and thought I might try you for some help.

After 20 years and a couple of kids, my wife decided that she wanted a divorce. Since I had
no choice in the matter, I started online dating -- one nutcase so far and no one else of any
note -- and then I met Viveca. She’s a very attractive, highly-educated professional. I’m
really quite taken with her and we’ve gone out a few times now.
Two weeks ago Viveca had the idea of doing a picnic in a local park. I picked her up at her
place; she had packed a blanket, plates, wine and on the way we bought some bread, cheese
and grapes. Once we were there, we found a place to sit and talk for hours. We have a lot in
common. We’re both in our 40s, we’re less-is-more types, we like walking around the city
just taking in the sights, and we share an interest in spirituality.

pace the passion

I need to figure out how fast, or slow, to go with this woman. Viveca didn’t invite me into her
place when I dropped her off -- it’s a starter home and I think she’s shy about showing it to
me. Also, she was surprised when she learned that it will be a few months before I’m
officially divorced and that my wife’s still living part of the time under the same roof as me.
Viveca seems affectionate, but so far, just hugs.

Since I’m alone next weekend with no kids, I’ll ask her if she wants to come over to my place
and cook with me, since we both like to cook, and maybe watch a DVD afterward. But here I
am, worrying about what time to call her, whether or not I’m overwhelming her with
invitations, etc.

How fast should I move? What I don’t quite understand in your articles is how I can be
proactive -- like going for the kiss -- while I’m trying to be a Challenge.

What’s your advice? Thanks!

Heinrich - who’s just getting his feet wet

doc love’s answer

Hi Heinrich,

Hold it right here, pal. Before you start online dating or dating anywhere else, you have to
figure out -- assuming your wife loved you at one time, before her Interest Level headed for
Argentina -- how she fell out of love with you. Because like the great Doctor Freud once said,
“The mistakes you made while you were married are going to follow you straight into your
dating life.”

web women
Now let me tell you about the internet: The internet is made up of people on the planet earth,
and there are all types of people on it. What you have to learn is that you’re going to meet all
kinds -- whack-jobs, sane girls, clinically insane girls, and everyone in between -- and you
can’t take any of it personally. Just as it would take time if you were looking for women
without a computer, it’s going to take time to find a good one if you’re searching online. As
we say in sales, “It’s a numbers game, baby.”

When you’re going through a divorce and dating, you've gotta be up front…

Viveca dreamed up a wonderful picnic, dude. Just look at the effort that she went through to
put this little event together. You’re talking about the third or fourth date here, and what she
did indicates that this girl is a Giver. That’s the good part. The bad part is that we still have to
get to her Interest Level. And I think all these things you two have in common is likewise
great, but, other than the fact that she did a beautiful imitation of Martha Stewart for the
picnic, we still don’t have any indication of her female Interest Level. And like I’ve told you
guys again and again, HER INTEREST LEVEL IS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS.

ready, set… go
How fast do you go with Viveca? The great thing about “The System” is that if you follow it
step-by-step, you’re always going to pace yourself and you’re going to proceed at the
correct speed. But don’t worry. I’ll guide you on how fast or slow to move with this woman.

Let’s look at what happened with Viveca’s house: Maybe her place was a mess. Maybe she
was painting or having new toilets installed. Whatever -- it wasn’t necessary for her to invite
you in. The main thing is that she threw a nice picnic for you. When you say she was shy, I
think that you’re grasping for straws for why she didn’t invite you in. It would have been
nice, of course, but you can’t interpret it as a negative yet because you’ve only had three dates
with the woman.

deliver the ugly details

Why did the fact that you’re not divorced yet only come out during the picnic? I don’t like
surprises, Heinrich. Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, surprises aren’t good except
on the battlefield.” When you first met Viveca you should have told her, “By the way, the
paperwork is going to be finished in six months.” This information shouldn’t be coming out
when you’re trying to build her Interest Level; you should get all the negatives out of the way
during your first meeting. Make light of it and then go on to something else.

Her behavior seems affectionate to you? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A.
says, “Hugs ain’t affectionate, man.” But I have to ask you this: Why didn’t you kiss her on
the second date? What were you afraid of? Maybe you’re just looking for a friend and don’t
know it.

cozy cuisine
Forget the whole cooking date at your place, Heinrich. You’re trying to get cozy with Viveca
way too fast and she’s not coming to your house. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says,
“Nothing turns her off faster than your kids or wife walking in when you’re baking the
quiche.” Instead, you’re going to take her out to another public place. And by the way, this
aggressive behavior is typical of all you guys -- you want to move things along way too fast.
This isn’t date No. 11 -- this is the fourth date. Like the old cowboy saying goes, “Slow down,
pardner!”

You’re not overwhelming Viveca with invitations. You’ve only had a couple of dates with her
and now you wait a week, call her again and ask her out to do something else. That isn’t
exactly smothering the woman.

kiss the girl already

So, you’re confused about kissing this girl. Let’s say she tried to kiss you halfway through the
date; you’d go ahead and kiss her wouldn’t you? You’d kiss her for three or four seconds and
then you’d stop. So that’s what you do now. You kiss her at her front door, but don’t maul
her in public. Don’t worry -- you’ll still be a Challenge if you follow my techniques.

Remember, guys: When you’ve memorized “The System,” you know how fast you should
move.

She's Inconsistent

Hey Doc,

First of all, I’m an avid follower of “The System.” You have some truly amazing advice
in that book, as well as in your articles. All mankind should worship you. Anyway, on to
my problem.

I recently met a fantastic girl, Ana, at my best friend’s college graduation party. She was the
next-door neighbor of my buddy’s parents. Man, she was cute, smart, funny, and pretty much
my idea of the perfect girl. I couldn’t possibly let her pass out of my life, so I sat down next to
her and we started talking. Within no more than 20 seconds of starting up a conversation, she
was giving me every buying signal out there. I was getting a huge smile, hair twirling, playful
hitting, and an absolutely amazing flirtatious gaze. I had never been in such a great situation
in my life. There were 10 or more better-looking guys than me at that party, and she virtually
ignored every one. I had to guess that she had at least a 90% Interest Level in me. It took a lot
of Self-Control to not have my feet slip out from under me and turn into a huge pansy, but I
kept it cool all-night long.

Doc, by the end of the night I had Ana’s number and I had her almost begging me to
come home with her. It tore me up to decline that invitation, but I knew that’s what I had
to do.
too good to be true
After she left that night, my friend’s dad told me that she has had a boyfriend for the last three
or four months. He also said that the only reason her boyfriend hadn’t been with her was that
he was working a late shift that day. She never once mentioned her boyfriend in our
conversation so I was pretty confused, but proud of myself at the same time. Also, her
boyfriend doesn’t live with her, so I still planned on calling her in a week to ask her out.

Now, here’s where I really need your advice. Two days later I got a call from my buddy
asking me for help laying mulch at his parents’ house. Since Ana wasn’t home, I decided to
go over and help. When I got there, my buddy’s dad gave me some interesting information.
Earlier that day she said she didn’t like me at all, and I guess she was rather cold about it. My
friend claims he overheard the entire conversation and backed up his dad’s story.

mixed messages
As if all this weren't enough, she came home right before I left. Guess what happened? She
yelled my name, came over and started talking to me and treating me exactly like she had
a couple nights before.

Doc, I don’t know what to do. My gut tells me that she likes me, but is this chick possibly
trying to play me or put me on a back burner? Should I just forget about her, wait out her
relationship with her boyfriend, or pursue her? Please help me Doc, I need ya.

Mehmet - who can’t figure her out

doc love's answer

Hi Mehmet,

There’s something very important I want to point out to you right here: This girl had 90%
Interest Level in you for all of 30 minutes. Think about it, pal. Like my Uncle Jethro Love
says, “Heck, boy, you can’t even bake a turkey in 30 minutes!” What have I told you
countless times before? Until you get to 10 dates, you can’t count on ANYTHING. And like
my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Lots of women come on strong, but down
the road you find out there’s nothing there.”

Doc Love's advice for when she's inconsistent...

too much time

But it’s good that you held yourself together when you met Ana. I taught you SELF-
CONTROL, and so you realized the importance of not giving away the store. That said, I
think you spent way too much time with this girl. You should have only given her 15 or 20
minutes, gotten her number, then went and talked to everybody else in the place -- especially
all the other babes. But it sounds like you stayed with Ana all night long. You put in too much
time with her on the first meeting. All this canoodling should have been saved for the first or
second date.

And to your credit, most other guys would have followed Ana home when she gave them the
time of day. But you’re going to keep working, Mehmet. And Ana’s going to continue
respecting you because you don’t give in like all the other turkeys who jump when she says
jump.

secondhand info
But then you listened to your friend’s dad. There’s a problem when you get information from
a third party. You really don’t know how much of what he said was true and how much was
false. I’m sure your pal’s dad was trying to help you out, which is fine, but what if Ana’s
boyfriend is on the way out and you’re the new guy coming in?

So you’re going to go ahead and call Ana after a week and pretend like that other guy
doesn’t exist. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Don’t let it stop you. I don’t care if
she has one boyfriend or 10 boyfriends.”

But if this girl really did tell your friend’s father that she disliked you, then she’s nuts. And
after his son backed the story up, you have two guys confirming that the story is true. If two
people are telling you the same thing, you’ve got problems. Like the old cowboy saying goes,
“Where there’s smoke, there’s fire, pardner.”

ding-dong chick
There are lots of girls out there who like to get a guy all wound up for one evening and after
that, you’re history and they don’t think a thing of it. But the curious thing here is that Ana
could have just said, “Mehmet’s an alright guy.” But she didn’t. And she certainly didn’t have
to say she dislikes you, which is what she apparently said. How the heck could she dislike
you? She could have said that she was merely indifferent to you, but she went from love to
hate, which indicates that this girl really is a ding-dong.

Then she went and reversed herself and treated you exactly like she did when she first met
you. But you’re going to give her the benefit of the doubt for now, wait a week and call her
and see what happens from there. But you have to be wary of these red flags popping up all
over the place. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Maybe this girl’s just a psycho with
two personalities.”

play the game

To answer your question about what her game is, it’s definitely possible that she’s both trying
to play you and keep you on a back burner. But I say pursue her. Let her be the one to bring
up the boyfriend. When she does, say, “So, when are you getting rid of him?” And when she
answers, “Why would I want to do that?” you come right back with “Because you like me!”

Remember, guys: When they’re inconsistent, they’re crazy.

Doc Love: She's Violent

Hey Doc,

I am a disciple of “The System” and want to thank you for what you’ve done to even up the
playing field for us guys.

My question is simple: Is it ever OK for a woman to slap a man? Not too long ago my ex-
girlfriend, Lisabeth, and I got into a really heated argument after a night of drinking, and she
slapped me. This wasn’t the first time it happened. She did it twice before (once sober and
once drunk) in our two-year relationship. The latest slap caused another huge fight (about,
among other things, her baggage, which happens to be father issues), which lowered my
Interest Level gradually over time to the point where I became distant and we then broke up.

I get varying opinions on this from different people. Is it ALWAYS a no-no for a woman to
slap a guy? Are there any exceptions?

daddy's influence
Here’s another related question: How important is a girl’s relationship with her father? In
Lisabeth’s case, her old man was an alcoholic who wasn’t physically abusive, but more
verbally abusive and aloof to his kids. Should a woman who has an abusive father be avoided
completely? My ex was passive-aggressive and codependent with me as well. And as you
said in your book, when a girl has excess baggage, this wears on a guy and his Interest Level
drops.

That said, even though she's violent, Lisabeth was hard to give up on because she had a lot of
the other good qualities preached in your book. And she was gorgeous, to boot.

Do you think I made the right choice, Doc? Thanks so much for answering my questions.

Butchie - who feels like he just climbed out of a boxing ring

doc love's answer

Hi Butchie,

Making sure that the playing field is even for guys is what “The System” is all about. When it
comes to dating and relationships, men are at a distinct disadvantage. Like my cousin General
Love says, “It’s the equivalent of winning the Golden Gloves, then getting in the ring with
Mike Tyson and thinking you actually have a chance.”

Is it OK for your girl to lay her hands on you in a violent, non-affectionate way? It’s NEVER,
NEVER, NEVER OK for a woman to slap a man under any circumstance. Like my cousin
Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dog, you don’t hit animals, and you don’t hit people.”

punch-drunk love
Butchie, you shouldn’t have been boozing excessively with Lisabeth. You indulge in a whole
“night of drinking.” Sensible, civilized people have one or two drinks and then stop.

Now let me get this straight -- this wasn’t the first time you got popped in the kisser by
Lisabeth and you hung around for more? Gosh, Butchie, you’re just as dumb as your ex! You
can rationalize being drunk, but you can’t rationalize being sober and smacking someone in
the face. And by the way, how come you spent two years with this violent girl? You should
have read her a lot sooner. Are you sure you got the right book?

Doc Love explains Lisabeth's father issues and more...

daddy dearest
Here’s the problem with a woman who’s saddled with “father issues.” When you meet a girl,
you naturally want to pump up her Interest Level and keep it in the 90s. On the other hand,
you have to realize that there are things you can’t change. If a woman doesn’t have Integrity
and character coming in, you’re not going to change her. If she’s a taker and she’s
hardheaded, you’re not going to change her. And so forth.

But the next part is what I call “baggage and scars.” Lisabeth has both. So being punched out
is what you’re going to have to put up with if you want this kind of woman. Like my cousin
Rabbi Love says, “My son, you have to deal with the sins of her past.”

Hopefully it was you who did the dropping here, and hopefully you told Lisabeth why you
were doing it. Like I said earlier, it’s ALWAYS, 100% of the time, a NO-NO to slap a guy.
There are NO exceptions for violence, EVER. If a woman or a man gets hit at any time during
a dating relationship, they should turn around and RUN the other way. FOREVER. And there
is never an excuse for someone to hit the opposite gender.

abusive influence
A woman’s relationship with her father is super important. If she has a good mother and a
good father and they’re still in love with each other, that positive image will flow down to
you, and she’ll have the unconscious desire to replicate the experience. If her father possessed
the male strength qualities that made him a great dad, she’ll recognize those in you and she
will -- and please take this the right way -- want to marry someone like her father because of
the powerful, positive impression that he projected. So that’s exactly what she’ll say to
herself: “Give me a husband who’s like dear old dad!”

But, like my cousin Sal “the Fish” Love says, “Lisabeth’s daddy sounds like a real fun guy.”
Both physical and verbal abuse are equally terrible, Butchie. Not that I’m playing down
physical abuse in any way, please don’t get me wrong. But a father who doesn’t play with
his kids, who doesn’t hold his kids and read to them, who isn’t constantly telling his kids
how intelligent and perfect and beautiful they are, isn’t a good one. Because those are the
strokes that fathers and mothers should be giving their kids from the time they’re born until
they’re 5 years old. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “If a child gets those strokes, he
or she won’t grow up wanting to hurt somebody.”

get out of the ring... fast

Should an abused woman be avoided? Well, Butchie, if you had a choice, what would you
do?

You should have picked up on this woman’s passive-aggressiveness and codependency issues
early on and stayed away from her -- far away from her. To you Psych majors, when you’re
dating a girl, you’re not there to be her psychiatrist or her punching bag. And yes, with heavy
baggage, Interest Level plummets. It happened to you.

I don’t care if Lisabeth was Mother Teresa’s twin in all the other areas of her life, you still
can’t hit people. If she's violent, don't compromise. And don’t worry -- if she’s so beautiful,
she’ll easily find some other dude to rationalize her slapping compulsion.

Do I think you made the right choice? My friend, you couldn’t have done better.

Remember, guys: When she takes a swing at you, you take a walk.

Doc Love: Communication Problems

Hey Doc,

I’ve been reading your articles for months now and I’m starting to see the light! To get to the
point, I’m having issues with my ex, Meredith. We were together for 16 months and have
had our share of discussions and disagreements. She’s very giving, affectionate, honest, goal-
oriented, down-to-earth, and many other things that make me happy, but when it comes to our
arguments, she shuts up like a clam and can not express herself properly.

I believe that communication is a major factor in any relationship, but when it comes to
Meredith, I don’t get that privilege. I’ve been disappointed by women before and don’t want
to go through it again. I love Meredith and she loves me -- she said it first, by the way. This is
the girl with whom I want to spend the rest of my life and have children with, but, of course,
I never told her that.

i love her, so I dumped her

Two weeks ago, I broke up with Meredith because I wanted to spend a few more minutes
with her before she had to leave to see her friend (a woman). She insisted that her friend was
waiting and that she needed to leave. This got to me, so I called her and broke our date for
dinner later that night. She replied that she was going with or without me. Her tone was not
something that I can tolerate. I told her to go straight to her house so I could pick up my stuff
and that it was over between us. When she arrived, I gathered my things and left without a
word.

It’s been two weeks and we’ve not spoken. We work in the same building so I’m sure she has
seen me in the hallways. Doc, I really love this girl. I finally called her today because I had
time to think about what was going on. I asked her to get together and discuss things, and she
said that she had plans for the evening, but another day would be fine. I didn’t want to insist
on a day or time for this meeting because I have my pride. I feel that I have to wait until she
calls me back -- if she does.

What do you think I should do?

Boomer - who wants to win her back

doc love’s answer

Hi Boomer,

Right off the bat you have a huge problem. When you have all kinds of “discussions and
disagreements” with a girl, right there you’re telling me that her Interest Level is low. When
the girl’s Interest Level is way up in the 90s, for some reason you don’t have to have
discussions and disagreements. So you’re doing something to Meredith that’s turning her off
and you don’t even realize it.

she’s a nasty giver

Nevertheless, you go on to list all of Meredith’s sterling qualities. Boomer, if she’s such a
Giver, why is she always battling with you? If she were really so wonderful and selfless,
she’d be saying, “Let’s not argue, baby. Let’s not ever argue.” And she’d also tell you, “Do
whatever you want, honey. I’m just happy to be with you.” So, you’re not using the word
“giving” properly here. Or like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “I’d hate to see how
she’d act if she was the nasty type.”

Doc Love tries to clarify Boomer’s communication problems…

Then you turn around and say that despite all of her virtues Meredith can’t express herself.
What have I told you guys a thousand times? You don’t have arguments with girls. To you
Psych majors, if she doesn’t have the ability to express herself calmly and reasonably, you
can’t live with her the rest of your life. And you’re 100% right about communication in a
relationship, pal. So, if she doesn’t communicate with you at the level that you need, why
would you want to spend the rest of your life with her?

if I took those words away

You and Meredith might say you love each other, but she doesn’t love you as much as you
love her. She might have said it first, and you might have said it last, but she hasn’t said it
since.

Boomer, you’ve been disappointed by women because you haven’t memorized my techniques
-- and that’s why you’re going to have to go through this torture again. All you guys are
going to have to go through it again and again and again until my material is completely
internalized. Like my cousin General Love says, “'The System' is your only defense against
certain defeat.”

It’s good that you didn’t tell Meredith that you want to spend the rest of your life with her and
have your children with her. You shouldn’t have, dude. You shouldn’t even have said I love
you. First, you’ve got to figure out what the root of all your arguing is about. Like the great
Doctor Freud once said, “The problem you have is that you’re not testing your arguments
against the principles of 'The System,' so you have no way to accurately gauge whether or not
they’re valid.”

ultimatums under pressure

When you had the run-in over her friend, you were pressuring this girl. Why, when you had
something important to discuss with Meredith, were you doing a rush job on her? You were
out of line here, Boomer. You should have said, “Honey, as soon as you get settled we’ll sit
down and talk.” What you can’t tell her if she had prior plans is, “It’s me or your girlfriend!”
Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, does your laid-back approach carry over into your
other discussions?”

You shouldn’t have broken your date with Meredith for later that night. You have to back off,
man. And like I said, you have to get to the core of your problems with this girl. But you’re
pressuring her, and that’s not going to work. Pressure never works. It doesn’t work in life,
business or love.

that’s mine - give it back

So Meredith announced that she was going out with or without you. That’s what we call an
ultimatum, buddy -- another sign of low Interest Level. But you pushed her to the limit and
that’s why she used that tone. Then you pushed it one step further, tossed a baby tantrum and
demanded your stuff -- now it’s over. She’s not going to take you back after this, my friend.

When you finally got Meredith on the phone after she showed absolutely no interest in you
for two whole weeks, you went and pressured her again, asking her out for the same night.
You sound like a Macho Boy to me. Did you really think that you could say, “Let’s go,” and
she would drop everything and show up?

fill the dumpster for another dumping

What do I think you should do? I think you should move on and find a new girlfriend. But
again, unless my book is completely digested, you’re going to turn the next girl off too,
because you mentioned that other girls have dropped you in the past. So Meredith is really
just another girl who dumped you. Number four dropped you, number five dropped you,
number six dropped you, and so on. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “You
must feel like a punching bag, dawg.”

So what are you waiting for, Boomer?

Remember, guys: All women drop you for the same reason.

Doc Love: Getting A First Date

Hey Doc,

I ordered “The System” a while ago and I like some of the principles. I’m in my mid-30s and
have been divorced for two years. Finding a good woman in the 25-to-35 age range is pretty
tough because they’re nearly all taken. I’m not much into the bar/club scene, but I do go out
two to three times a week.

Anyway, I was at a local bar on Saturday, met a nice group of girls, and hit it off with one in
particular. Fiona and I played darts, had a few drinks and talked for a good three hours. I
picked up the obvious signals -- solid eye contact, touching my arm and leg, etc. I got her
number with no problem, and at the end of the night I walked her and her friend to her
friend’s house. When her friend went inside, Fiona turned and kissed me, and told me to call.
phone tag is not a sport
I called her the next evening to say I had a good time (I know this goes against your rules,
but I figured that she’s onto them and all the other men’s techniques; I wanted to show her I
can think for myself). I got no return call, so I called again four days later. After playing
phone tag, we finally connected. She said she couldn’t get together on the weekend because
she had to work on Friday and had a graduation to attend on Saturday.

Here’s the thing -- I’m 14 years older than Fiona and she lives 90 miles away. The age thing
is no big deal because she’s pretty mature for her age and probably appreciates a more mature
guy. But the distance makes it hard to set up a date, since we can’t exactly go and grab a
drink for 45 minutes. Also, I’m pretty sure she’s into “The Rules” and is playing hard to get.
Like I said, it’s clear that she’s interested in me. She was also very clear that she does NOT
have a boyfriend, and she did return my call. But HOW DO I LAND THAT FIRST DATE?
Should I wait a week to call back, and try to set up a Monday or Tuesday date? I don’t want
to wait too long -- out of sight, out of mind. Any coaching would help. Thanks!

Horst - who doesn’t know how to operate from a distance

doc love’s answer

Hi Horst,

Hold it right there. I don’t care what rules you like. I appreciate you buying my book, but it’s
not something you toss aside after a few pages -- it’s a lifetime INVESTMENT. So, that
means you have to INVEST your time and effort into bettering yourself and you can’t cherry-
pick the principles. You have to follow my techniques from A to Z. To you Psych majors,
you can’t leave any room for error when you’re not an expert on women. Like my cousin
Brother Love down in Watts says, “No shortcuts dog. Remember what happened to you the
last time?”

why did your wife dump you?

So, you’ve been divorced for two years. Did you figure out why your wife dumped you,
Horst? I hope so, because if you didn’t, you can bet it’s going to happen to you again.

Yes, it’s true that women in that choice age range are nearly all taken. But guess what? You
only need one. But you’re not ready to land that great one, Horst, because you haven’t
done your homework.

Doc Love rips Horst a new one on his technique for getting a first date…
How the heck can you say you’re not into the club scene? You go out to a gin mill three times
a week and you’re not into it? OK, so you blabbed for three whole hours to this girl the first
time you met her; what have I told you guys in the past? You spend 30 to 45 minutes MAX
the first time you meet. Get the home phone number and get out of there. You spent way too
much time with this girl. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “When you hang around her
for too long, you exponentially increase your chances of screwing it up.”

premature, like most men

Horst, you tried to rush it like most men who have no Self-Control. And that wasn’t the only
blunder you committed, dude -- you were on a group date in case you hadn’t noticed.

But she kissed you and told you to call her, and you put a lot of stock in that. Fabulous -- so
far. Did you do your disappearing act? No, you didn’t -- you called Fiona the very next
evening. Why? Where was the fire? When I have to look up “telephone blunders” in the
dictionary, will I find your picture there?

What do you mean she’s on to all the men’s techniques? How do you know what’s going on
in this girl’s head? You’re out with a complete stranger for three hours and you know
everything about her? You don’t know anything about this woman, buddy! What do you
have, a crystal ball? Don’t forget where you were when you were rapping with her -- in a
saloon that was full of smoke and everyone was half in the bag.

fiona is just too busy for you

Do you know why Fiona didn’t call you back when you phoned her? Because she loves you,
guy, it’s obvious. She had more excuses than Barry Bonds has homers why she couldn’t get
together with you: She’s busy Friday. She’s busy Saturday. Like my cousin General Love
says, “And she’s probably working on her helicopter on Sunday.”

You’re not 14 years older than Fiona, my friend. You’re 14, period. You act like a 14 year
old around this girl. And she lives 90 miles away. Great! So you’ve got a girl who doesn’t
like you and who lives on the other side of the world. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from
East LA says, “This is destined for success.”

By the way -- how do you know Fiona appreciates more mature guys? She might be into 19-
year-old guitar players for all you know. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “I
haven’t seen a woman who isn’t!”

Your problem isn’t distance, pal. Your problem is that you don’t know the first thing about
women. And you’ve got a book on handling them that you’ve never read.

But you maintain that Fiona’s into the rules and is playing hard to get. Tell you what, Horst,
every time you say “The Rules,” substitute the words “LOW INTEREST LEVEL” instead.
doc love gives some honest advice
On top of it all you’re dating a yo-yo here, man. But I’ll do my best to help you. If you insist
on driving 90 miles in one direction to see a loony tune, here’s what you do: Set the date two
weeks from now. Tell Fiona you want to come to town and see her. Make it for a Sunday at
lunch and you’ll meet her at the restaurant. When she doesn’t show up, you can turn right
around and drive the 90 miles home. Then you’ll say “Gee, Doc’s right!”

Remember, guys: the closer they live, the easier it is.

Doc Love: Cheating On Her

Hey Doc,

I’ve learned a lot from reading your articles. I hope that you can help me with a major
dilemma I’m caught in.

Up until now, I haven’t had many problems in the love department. I have a girlfriend of four
years (I’ll call her Venus) and we have a great relationship (except for the fact that I'm kind of
cheating on her); I have hopes for a great future. But recently a new girl, Shakira, has shown
up in my life and confused everything.

Shakira started working with me at my job. We talked, and I made a small move on her. To
make a long story short, I played my cards right and didn’t call her immediately, which drove
her Interest Level higher. When she asked me why I didn’t call her right away, I told her that
I was busy.

shakira’s hips don’t lie

Now Doc, this girl is a beauty and all the guys at work love her and are after her. I try not to
show it as much as they do, which has worked because she has told me that she likes me.

On our first night out, we kissed. The problem is that she has a boyfriend of five years and
here she’s messing around with me. And of course I have Venus, but I’m really falling in love
with Shakira. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want Shakira’s Interest Level to go down --
I’m still young, 23, and want to take advantage of life. I think Shakira feels the same about
me.

I didn’t really want to fall for Shakira, but I’m weak. Do you think I should tell her to
break up with her boyfriend now? If she does, then I’ll have to let Venus go. Do double
breakups ever work out? Please tell me what I should do.

Shawn - who’s losing sleep over the two of them

doc love’s answer
Hi Shawn,

You said you haven’t had many problems in the love game. Dude, if you’re memorizing my
material you shouldn’t have ANY problems with love -- ever!

Shakira hasn’t confused everything in your life, pal. She just confused YOU. And here you
have a good girl of four years and you’re ready to just throw her aside for somebody else
who’s a complete stranger. What’s wrong with you? What are you thinking? Are you
thinking at all? Are you aware that you're cheating on her?

a beautiful play
But you did one thing right, Shawn: telling Shakira that you were busy when she wanted you
to fall all over her was perfect. Any time a girl asks you why you haven’t done something
just remember to say those two magic words, “I’m busy.” Beautiful, Shawn -- well, so far
anyway.

Doc Love tells Shawn about the cons of cheating on her…

We don’t care what the other guys in your office are after, man. All we’re concerned about is
who Shakira likes. That said, isn’t it wonderful that the girl you’re in love with is messing
around with you when she has a long-term boyfriend? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love
says, “This is like double adultery.” And can you imagine all the other guys Shakira is dating?

You’re not falling in love with Shakira, pal. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “All
you’re falling in love with is newness and novelty.” That's why you're cheating on her, and
by her I mean Venus.

double jeopardy
Sure, you’re young and want to take advantage of life, my friend. We all do. But you got a
problem here -- Shakira has a boyfriend of five years. This girl is unavailable until her
boyfriend is out of the picture and gone. And until your girlfriend is gone, you’re unavailable,
unless you want to be cheating on her -- oh, wait, you are. So what we have here is a pair of
unavailable people betraying the partners they’re supposed to be loyal to. Like my cousin
General Love says, “Gee, I’d hate to be next to either one of you in a foxhole!”

And wait just a minute here. What do you mean you think Shakira feels the same about you as
you feel about her? Shawn, you have no clue what’s going on between this babe’s ears.
You’re just at the same job as she is and you’ve had a couple of measly dates. In other words,
you know nothing whatsoever about this girl.
But you claim that you’re weak. You’re not weak, Shawn. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
“You just love beauty, my son, that’s all.”

double the pleasure

Do I think you should tell Shakira to break up with her boyfriend? No, you shouldn’t mention
the boyfriend at all. But if she says yes when you ask her to dump her man, you’d better be
ready for the consequences -- all of the consequences, and you can bet they’re going to
happen. If Shakira agrees to getting rid of her boyfriend, you’ll have to let Venus go. Then
Shakira will go back to her boyfriend when she gets bored with you, and you’ll go back to
your girlfriend. Shakira’s boyfriend will take her back because she looks like Gisele
Bundchen’s younger sister, but your girlfriend isn’t going to take you back because you’re
nothing at all like Tom Brady. So now you’ve gone from one girl to none, when you were
trying to go from one girlfriend to two. Think about it, Shawn.

Do double breakups ever work out? It might have worked for Brad and Angelina, but
numerically, the odds are horribly against it.

is that your final answer?

What should you do about this whole thing? First of all, stop flirting with Shakira. Then go
home and make a list of all the great things you have with Venus and start thinking about the
idea of LOYALTY. If you can’t be loyal, guy, then get rid of your girl. You should be getting
rid of your girl because you don’t like her anymore or you’re completely bored with her, not
because you found somebody who appears to be better. And you can’t even compare them
because your girlfriend has four years in with you and this new girl only has a couple of
hours in. Duh.

So, now you’re ready to make a long-term decision about two women while you’re in a
highly emotional state. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Boy, you ain’t thinkin’ straight --
that’s what this new girl has done to you!”

Remember, guys: Loyalty is numero uno.

Doc Love: She's Acting Distant

Hey Doc,

First, let me thank you for all the valuable advice. I found your articles a little over a year
ago and have read them all since. The advice has truly helped me change my way of
approaching women and I feel much more comfortable and independent now. My only regret
is that I was not able to buy “The System,” as it might have saved me in this situation.
About eight months ago, I met Elise through a friend. I went right in for the kill, got her
number and we began dating. Having read your advice and learned from past experiences, I
made sure to be a Challenge. I let Elise call most of the time and made sure we didn’t see
each other too often (in some cases telling her that I was busy even though I wasn’t). I gave
her compliments when I felt like it, but made sure not to overdo it. I waited for her to tell me
“I love you” first. I also made sure to be cocky and funny. We pretty much never had a dull
moment and, above all, we never had a real fight.

it was perfect until…

Everything was going perfectly well until two weeks ago, when school began. We were both
busy, but managed to see each other once or twice. The trouble began when she inexplicably
started acting cold toward me. When I confronted her about it, she said it wasn’t on purpose
and broke down crying. She explained that she felt “lost in her head” because there are many
changes in her life right now with school, work and family.

Even though we made up, she was still acting distant. We met for a drink. She seemed happy
to see me when I arrived, but when I went to kiss her, she refused. Having seen the signs, I
had half-expected this. We talked for about half an hour and I made sure to keep my
composure. She explained that she’d been trying to understand why she had to break up with
me, but couldn’t. She just knew she had to do it. I asked if there was something I could
change to better myself in my next relationship. No, she said, I did everything perfectly.

what does this mean?

She also told me she would like to keep contact and that she would always love to see my
number on her phone. She told me that I could call her if ever I want to discuss things (but not
her decision). She said she wouldn’t call me because it wouldn’t feel right since she did the
breaking up. I told her I didn’t like keeping contact with exes.

I am unsure what this breakup really means. She was the one with tears in her eyes and had
nothing concrete to explain her decision. I believe she still loves me. I really would like to get
back with her, but I don’t know what my next move should be. For now, I will keep silent and
distant. I think I acted correctly as I know begging will only push her away. Please give me
some advice, Doc.

Dorian - who needs help before it’s too late

doc love’s answer

Hi Dorian,

You mean to tell me that you’ve read 52 columns that changed your life and you couldn’t
come up with $99 to invest in the font of wisdom that is “The System”?

It’s great that you learned how to be a Challenge. My question, though, is: Are you going to
stay a Challenge? That’s the hard part. When she told you she loved you first, I hope you
answered “How much?” Because then you would have really been a Challenge.

What else does Doc Love have to say?

of course she cried

But then Elise inexplicably started acting cold toward you. What most guys do when that
happens is get down on their knees and start begging. And like my cousin Sal “The Fish”
Love says, “Then they hang around for the beating.” When that happens, you’re supposed to
go to North Dakota with the federal Witness Protection Program. She can’t find you. Your
buddies don’t know where you are. Your parents don’t even know where you are. We’re
hoping that this girl is going to end up pounding on your door with REAL tears in her eyes.

Of course Elise broke down crying when she split up with you. But she was crying for herself.
She was thinking, “Why in the world am I spending time with someone I have no interest in?”

Don’t buy all that stuff about changes in Elise’s life. There was only one change in her life,
and that was with her boyfriend. Once upon a time she had 95% Interest Level in him, and
now she has 35% Interest Level in him.

don’t chase them

Elise was still acting distant when you got together because you were seeing her. WHEN
WOMEN ACT DISTANT, DON’T CHASE THEM. To you Psych majors, BACK OFF --
LET THEM CHASE YOU.

I know this is a tough one for you to grasp, Dorian, and I’m sorry you don’t have the money
to invest in my book to figure it out, but when a girl doesn’t kiss you, that means she
doesn’t like you. Now let it sink in.

If you half-expected Elise to be cold, then why didn’t you stay with the other half? You
shouldn’t have done anything, pal. When your gut is telling you not to do anything, don’t do
anything.

Elise is saying that she doesn’t know why she fell out of love. She’s out of love because you
made her fall out of love by doing a lot of stupid things and by not being a Challenge.

So, Elise tried to figure out why she had to break up with you but couldn’t. If a guy said that
to a police officer, they’d throw the white net over him and haul him off to Bellevue.
When you asked Elise what you could do to better yourself next time, she should have been
honest with you and said, “Don’t be yourself!” Dude, if you did everything perfectly, her
Interest Level would still be 95%! Wake up!

don’t call her

Elise said she’d love to see your number on her phone. I hope you said “Thank you, your
highness!” And when you call to “discuss things,” is she supposed to be your mom or your
psychiatrist?

Know why it wouldn’t feel right for Elise to call you? Because she doesn’t dig you. So she
left out the most important part -- the woman’s Interest Level -- which is the No. 1 factor in
all romantic relationships. My understanding of the concept of the woman’s Interest Level is
what separates me from all the other love doctors.

You don’t like keeping contact with exes? Why are you telling this girl what you don’t like?
What you should have said was “Hey, I really appreciate being your friend,” then you should
have hung up and destroyed her phone number and tried to figure out why you didn’t stay a
Challenge.

get over it
I’ll explain to you what this breakup really means since you don’t get it. It means you’re
going into the pain of rejection and you’re never going to have another shot at this girl in this
lifetime. You think she still loves you? Sure she does. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from
East L.A. says, “She loves you so much and you make her so happy she can’t stand it --
that’s why she had to get rid of you!” Makes perfect sense to me.

Your next move should be to Antarctica. You don’t want to beg Elise? You got an “A” in
begging, Dorian, so what are you talking about?

Your only recourse now is to go mow some lawns and babysit so you can buy “The System.”

Remember, guys: When they act distant, you’re going to act double distant.

Doc Love: Women From The Past

Hey Doc,

I’ve been following your columns and advice for four years. I first want to thank you for
helping me better understand women, but more importantly, I want to thank you for helping
me become a better man. Prior to your advice, I thought women were supposed to accept me
for me. Lame. Now I know that the only worthwhile goal in life is to strive to be the best man
I can possibly be, and in doing so, find and keep the woman who fits the Dating Dictionary’s
criteria.

Recently, Rachelle (one of my women from the past) e-mailed me out of the blue. I haven’t
seen her in five years. We used to work in the same city, but Rachelle was offered a position
out East (where she’s from) and I stayed in my home state here in the West. We both decided
(reluctantly) to try and make a long-distance relationship work -- it didn’t. I turned into a
needy wimp over the telephone and she seemed to lose interest. The more distant she became,
the needier, whinier, and wimpier I became. After a few months of her indifference, I told her
that I didn’t want to continue our relationship. But, like the good little Wimpus Americanus I
had become, I continued to call and e-mail her while still trying to figure out what the hell
went wrong.

i had a doc love epiphany

Then I found your books and learned. I stopped contacting Rachelle. After a few months of
not hearing from me, she started e-mailing me, telling me she was thinking of me and missed
me. I gave her very little in return because she didn’t say that she wanted to give us another
shot. Then our contact petered out again.

Last week, Rachelle e-mailed me and said that she was thinking about me, was wondering
how I was doing and told me what she has been up to (there was mention of a dog, but no
boyfriend). It’s been two years since I last heard from her. I usually don't give women for the
past a second thought, but after hearing from her, memories of what it was like when we
were together came back. They are good memories.

curious exploration
Why, after all this time, would a woman renew a conversation that has been dead so long? If
she still has feelings for me after all this time, then I want her to say so. Is she afraid of saying
too much until she knows what I feel for her? Remaining aloof in my e-mail responses has
worked for me in the past, but this time I think I should respond differently.

Doc, what do you think the intentions are of women from the past and how should I respond?

Merlyn - who’s losing his grip... a little

doc love’s answer

Hi Merlyn,

I’m glad you mentioned that you've become a “better man” after reading my materials. Lots
of guys think that my coaching is only about dating, but as you immerse yourself in my
techniques, you will become a better person. The improvements you make will carry over
into your business life and your social life, and that means your dealings will drastically
improve with both men and women -- wherever you are and no matter what you’re doing.

doc love talks about your best foot

And, I’m likewise impressed that you’ve come to the realization that it’s “lame” to believe
that a woman should accept you as you are. You said so much in that sentence, pal. There are
lots of guys out there who don’t want to better themselves and who don’t want to cultivate
their best parts. They would rather leave their best parts out of a relationship and assume that
the woman is just going to take them as they are. Like my cousin General Love says, “It goes
without saying that the results of this non-strategy are invariably disastrous.” And you said it
all when you said that only your best self will help you meet the Dating Dictionary’s criteria
when it comes to finding and keeping the right woman.

Doc Love talks to Merlyn about dealing with women from the past…

distance makes the heart weak

The first and most important thing you have to realize about Rachelle is that SHE LEFT
YOU in the first place. She moved away from you, dude. Far away. What kind of
relationship did she really expect to have with you? She might have had 95% Interest Level
in you, but she had at least 96% Interest Level in her new job. Right then and there, you
knew that this girl didn’t value you as much as she did her work. Like my cousin Fast Eddie
Love from East
L.A. says, “You gotta be No. 1 in the woman’s life. If you ain’t numero uno, then you
shouldn’t even be with her.”

Merlyn, your girl didn’t seem to lose interest when you turned into a needy wimp -- she DID
lose interest. But like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Don’t feel bad about being desperate,
whiny and wimpy -- 90% of American men act that way when they’re going down.” But it
was very strong of you to tell Rachelle that you didn’t want to continue your relationship.
The problem is that it wasn’t actually continuing -- it was already over.

What went wrong between you two? By your own admission, you were a wuss. See, when the
woman’s Interest Level is taking a nosedive, the guy usually decides, “Well then, I’ll just
come on heavier!” And it never enters his mind to disappear, which is what he should do. To
you Psych majors, it never works to come on heavy with someone who’s not interested in you.

she’s building her self-esteem

Know why Rachelle got in touch with you? Because she went out with two or three other
guys where she lives and it didn’t work out, so she went through her phone book and there
was your name. And she said to herself, “Ah, Merlyn! He’s always there. I’ll get in touch
with him and see if he’s still in love with me because I need some attention!”
But when she contacted you after two years, you should have told her you were dating two
babes right now and that they’re both totally in love with you. And if you really wanted to get
to her, you should add that you were confused because both of them are so gorgeous and you
don’t know which one to choose.

open those wounds every day

Sure you had some good memories of your time with Rachelle, but what you should do is
write down a list of the bad memories, stick it up on your refrigerator and read it every day.

Rachelle is renewing an old conversation with you because she’s striking out with the other
turkeys that she meets. She doesn’t say she has feelings for you because she doesn’t, pal. Is
she afraid of saying too much before she knows where you stand? Merlyn, by that question
alone I know you’re off the deep end. And it tells me how much you don’t know about “The
System.”

leave her in the past

Should you respond differently this time? What do you want to do -- go back to being a
wimp? That’s the reason Rachelle dumped you the first time, isn’t it? So, that’s the choice
you face: go back to being the old Merlyn, or be a man. If I were you, I’d tell Rachelle about
the great time you’re having with two Playboy bunnies.

Remember, guys: you get one shot per girl per lifetime.

Doc Love: Forgiving A Cheater

Hey Doc,

I just became your fan a week ago when looking for coaching regarding my recent breakup
with my girlfriend.

Destiny is 21, and I’m 30. When we met she didn’t want to go out with me because of the age
difference and because she wanted to keep seeing her ex boyfriend and be free to meet new
guys. I told her that she could do whatever she wanted, but that I was just going to show her
what type of guy she was going to let go.

destiny fulfilled
It worked. She immediately dug me, and for three months we had the greatest relationship.
She was constantly telling me how lucky she was to have me, she’d beg me to never stop
loving her and she even made me sign a virtual contract saying that I would never leave her.
Then she went to Russia to do some volunteer work. She told me she was sorry to leave, but
that she’d be back soon and we would be together forever. I was the happiest man alive.
When she was in Russia, she told me by phone and e-mail that she missed me and couldn’t
wait to see me. She even told me she couldn’t live without me.

Well, when Destiny came back she was completely different. She became so inexplicably
distant that when I’d touch her she would make as if I were Quasimodo. Her kisses were
empty. She told me she’d changed and that she needed space to come back gradually, and
would have to fall in love with me all over again. I waited a week, but she was still treating
me super cold. When I asked her what happened, she said that we weren’t a couple anymore;
that we would never be together again; that she wanted to be free to travel and meet guys,
and that she couldn’t do it with me because she would be unfaithful.

the cold shoulder

Since I had her password, I checked her e-mail and sure enough, there it was: a letter from
her to a guy she met in Russia, telling him that she broke up with me; how happy she was that
she wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore and that she only loved me because she’d needed
to be loved, but when she got what she wanted from me she lost all interest.

Doc, I’m still very much in love with Destiny and I already forgave her for cheating on me.
What I want to know is this: If we were so much in love and our relationship was so great,
how could she let everything go down the drain for a guy she won’t even see because he’s so
far away? What did I do wrong? When you talk about Interest Level, is it the same as love?
How could love die so quickly?

Hector - who’s heartbroken in New York

doc love's answer

Hi Hector,

Destiny’s 21 and you’re 30? Right off the bat you’re in TROUBLE, man. Remember what
I’ve told you about a million times before? When they’re 18 to 22 they’re nothing but
TROUBLE. But you’ve just discovered me so you have an excuse. If you’re 30, you should
be with a 27- to 30-year-old.

age is more than a number

Now if Destiny wants to see her ex and meet new guys, right there she was telling you loud
and clear that you’re out FOREVER. Gee, it was nice of you to tell the girl that she could do
what she wanted. You mean, as if she wouldn’t anyway? You mean you gave her permission?
Think about it now: This girl is not interested in you and you’re giving her permission to do
what she wants. I smell a little bit of Macho Boy in you, Hector.

Doc Love lectures Hector on forgiving a cheater...

When Destiny was all over you, you still shouldn’t have signed that so-called virtual contract.
When you did, you completely gave away CHALLENGE.

Then she traveled all the way to Russia. Long-distance relationships don’t work, my friend.
There’s no other way to say it. And like my cousin Sal “the Fish” Love says, “She was sorry
she had to go, but not sorry enough to stay.”

Sure, you were the happiest man alive when she said you’d be together forever --
temporarily. And don’t forget, like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Yo, dawg,
if she couldn’t live without you, she wouldn’t be in Russia.”

robbing the craddle

When she came back stateside, Destiny didn’t completely change. You’re going out with a
baby. She’s 21, dude. And by the way, Quasimodo, you shouldn’t be touching this girl
anyway.

Destiny can’t fall in love with you again. Once Interest Level drops below 50%, you’re
OUT, guy. You waited a whole week before you got in touch with her? Wow -- what Self-
Control! Hector, you should have waited a year. And you should have erased her e-mails and
not talked to her until she was banging on your door and begging on her knees to see you.

Now let me get this straight: After Destiny told you that she needed to travel, date a million
guys, wanted nothing to do with you ever again, and warned you that she was going to be
unfaithful, you mean it still didn’t sink in that you were dumped? I guess she wasn’t obvious
enough. She was just kind of beating around the bush, right?

Listen to Destiny’s own words: When she got what she wanted, she lost all interest. To you
Psych majors, when you’re an open book, predictable and too available, they all lose interest.

dumping disillusions
But you were big enough to forgive Destiny for cheating on you. How on earth do you
forgive someone for cheating on you? It’s impossible. Know why? To forgive and forget are
the same things and you will never forget what she did. And if she did take you back, four to
six months down the line you’d be thinking about what she did over and over and over again.
Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Some things never stop preying on your mind.” And
like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Unless a woman is loyal, she’s worthless.”

You were head over heels in love, Hector -- she wasn’t. She’s just a little girl fooling around
with as many guys as possible. Now you know what she volunteered to do in Russia -- kiss
another guy! And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Just think: The new
guy is on the other side of the world and he’s ahead of you!”

you fell too hard

What did you do wrong? Everything. You came on too heavy too fast, and you gave away the
store like 90% of the men out there.

Yes, Interest Level is the same as love. At one time this girl had high Interest Level in you,
but you blew it by being too mushy.

Hector, you should have found me sooner and memorized my materials. Now it’s too late.
But you’ll be better prepared to deal with the next girl.

Finally, like my cousin General Love says, “Love didn’t die quickly. It died in Russia.”

Remember, guys: If you don’t go in slowly, your destiny is to lose her.

Doc Love: Too Much Of A Challenge

Hey Doc,

You are the MAN and thanks for all your great advice!

I, on the other hand, screwed up big time and, well, all I can say is: lesson learned. I am 32
and met a fantastic 21-year-old, Jasmine (read: mistake one), but things were great so I went
for it. I was a Challenge and she was up for the game. She did all the things that showed (not
merely said) that she was totally into me. She was the one to call all the time, initiate plans,
send letters and small gifts, etc. I was absolutely into her as well, but played it cool and
remained a Challenge. I responded to her overtures but was never proactive (my bad).

rough challenge
About six months into the relationship Jasmine started to complain that I was not giving her
enough attention. I shrugged it off and told her that I am a busy guy and that she meant a lot
to me, but she had to understand my schedule. Everything was fine until two months later
when she brought it up again. Once again, I shrugged it off.

Well, wouldn't you know it; things started going downhill from there. We fought more and
our conversations were less pleasant, in addition to other major red flags. I tried to break
things off, but strangely she insisted that we should stay together. Then, out of the blue, she
dumped me one month later. My question to you is this: Did I take being a Challenge too far?
At what point in the relationship should I have given in and showed her more attention?

Wallis - who screwed up and doesn’t know how

doc love's answer

Hi Wallis,

I’m glad you say you learned your lesson, because that’s the point of my coaching. If you
make a mistake, I’m here to point it out to you. And if you can get passed your own ego,
you’ll learn your lesson and it won’t happen again. But if you keep repeating your blunders,
you’ll continue to be unsuccessful with women, get dropped by them and never know why.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, Wallis. If you’re 32 years young it’s not a mistake to go out
with a beautiful 21-year-old who looks like Megan Fox. Heck, you pull that off and you’re
going to be a hero among your friends. Everybody at work is going to be paying you
accolades. Your buddies are going to be throwing beer on you. But what you can’t do is go
charging in and fall in love with her.

going for tarnished gold

But you say you “went for it” anyway. Good for you. You should have gone for it. And her
response was great. She did everything. So at that point, Wallis, you owned this girl’s
heart. Her Interest Level was in the 90s. Perfect. You couldn’t have done any better.

Was Wallis too much of a challenge or was Jasmine too young?

And when Jasmine was all over you, you didn’t lose self-control, and that’s even better. So
why are you saying it was a mistake to never be proactive? You’re contradicting yourself.
Hanging back is not your bad. That’s your GOOD, dude. That means she was coming at you
all the time. You could have come at her once in a while, but like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
from East L.A. says, “If she’s coming on heavy, why disturb the flow if it’s inbound?”

But when Jasmine started complaining that you weren’t giving her enough attention, right
then and there you should have said, “Babe, just tell me what you want and I’ll do it!” And if
she said, “Well, I want to go dancing Saturday night,” I don’t care how tired you are during
the day on Saturday after a long week’s work; you’re taking her, man. Because she was
telling you, “Look, I’m in a long-term relationship here and I need something!” And that was
the turning point, and you failed to pick up on it. That was your real mistake, Wallis.

But, of course, it all depends on how much attention she needs. If Jasmine has to go dancing
every night, then you have what we call a high-maintenance woman, and like my cousin
Rabbi Love says, “My son, you should never have gotten involved with her in the first
place.”
you made her no. 2
Now let me get this straight: You actually told Jasmine that you were too busy for her on
account of your heavy schedule? OK, let’s say that what you said was true; you were so busy
you could hardly breathe. But we’re talking about romantic love here, buddy. To you Psych
majors, you indirectly told this girl that she’s not number one. HUGE, HUGE MISTAKE.

But that wasn’t enough. Then you shrugged off her complaint a second time. Wallis:
WOMEN DON’T LIE AND MEN DON’T LISTEN.

Of course things started going straight downhill from there. They always do, don’t they? I
can just hear the numbers ticking off as you fell out of grace with the beautiful Jasmine:
95%...85%...75%...65%...55%...then 49%, and it’s South Pole here we come. Then it was all
over. And you can’t really complain, my friend, because she warned you twice. But you
didn’t want to listen. You didn’t want to give in. You just wanted to take this girl for granted.
You didn’t want to use the DOC LOVE MAINTENANCE PROGRAM and now you’ve had
to pay. And how did you pay? By having to suffer the pangs of rejection.

challenge doesn't mean disrespect

You were fighting all over the place and there were lots of major red flags? Oh, is that all? In
other words, like my cousin General Love says, “This was just a little bit bigger than the
Battle of Gettysburg!”

But Jasmine insisted that you stay together. I hope you didn’t give in like 90% of American
men would. But you did, didn’t you? And naturally she dumped you a month later after you
had the chance to dump her first. But you thought -- due to your enormous ego -- that the
reason she wanted you back was because of high Interest Level. You didn’t realize that she
only wanted you back so that she could be the dumper and you could be the dumpee. You
almost got out clean, Wallis, but then you went back for a beating. Like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says, “She was just holding onto you for a while until she found her next
boyfriend!”

You didn’t take Challenge too far, Wallis. You took disrespecting Jasmine too far by not
being a little more affectionate or romantic when she asked you for it. You should have given
in and showed her more attention the first time she brought it up. Now it’s too late. But at
least you’ve learned your lesson. Next time, you’ll do better.

Remember, guys: If her gripe is legitimate, you’d better listen and give her what she wants.

She Has A Boyfriend

Hey Doc,

Thanks for your wonderful contributions to men!

I’ve been doing business with Felicia for four months, and during our meetings at her office
we’ve been flirting with each other. She laughs at every stupid thing I say, we’re always
staring at each other, she plays with her hair, likes to whisper secrets in my ear, and so on.

I decided to ask her out to dinner to thank her for work well-done, but she declined and told
me that it was against her company’s rules to accept gifts while business is still being
transacted. However, she suggested that we could have dinner in a month when our business
was concluded. Meanwhile, she gave me her cell phone number and requested mine. During
conversations with my brother, who is also involved in my business, she asked personal
questions about me.

she dropped the b-bomb

Recently, Felicia asked me to meet her at a cafe. I went, and even though I was two hours
late, she was still there waiting on me. She complimented me on my new hair style and my
clothes since that was the first time she ever saw me outside of a business environment.
However, while we were discussing my desire to quit smoking, she stated that her boyfriend
just recently quit smoking.

This is what I love to refer to as the B-bomb. I had no clue! Nevertheless, our meeting went
very well, and she suggested that we meet again. Just today I received a call from her asking
me to meet her at a landmark of my choice to discuss more business. I suggested that she
could come to my house, which she accepted.

Doc, what should I do now? Should I tell her how I really feel about her when she comes to
my house? Or should I wait until our business is concluded? And how do I handle the B-
bomb? I am in love with this gal, but she has a boyfriend.

Please help!

Abel - who feels like he has to make his move

doc love’s answer

Hi Abel,

This is absolutely fantastic. Since you spent time naturally with Felicia and weren’t trying to
put the moves on her, she had the opportunity to discover how great you are. And that’s why
she’s playing with you now. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “This Kitty Kat is purring!”
seal the deal with a kiss
It was a good move to offer to take Felicia out for dinner as a reward for work well-done. The
problem is that you weren’t finished transacting your business with her. The dinner should
come after all the work is done, pal. You tried to close with the reward too soon. As usual,
you, like most men, showed no Self-Control. What have I told you guys a thousand times?
YOU HAVE TO MOVE IN SLOWLY.

Felicia’s suggestion that you get together for dinner in a month when you’re finally through
with business is called a beautiful counter-offer. So, what are you going to do? You’re not
going to wait a month -- you’re going to wait FIVE WEEKS before you call her.

She has a boyfriend, but Doc Love still has sound advice…

backstabbing brother
You talked to your brother about this girl? I hope you didn’t tell him anything. Because it’s
going to go straight back to her, and you’re going to screw everything up. Like the old
Chinese proverb goes, “Even brothers can’t keep their mouths shut, grasshopper!” And like
my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Didn’t you ever hear the one about Cain and
Abel? You best go back to the Good Book, dawg!”

Felicia’s invitation to meet at a cafe was incoming -- beautiful! But hold on here. You were
two hours late meeting her? How in the world could you be two hours late? If you were
supposed to meet this girl at three o’clock, let’s say, you knew at 12:30 you weren’t going to
make it. You should have phoned her and called the date off. You don’t leave anybody
waiting for two hours, Abel. What I can’t believe is how stupid this girl is for waiting on you!
Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Nobody hangs around for two hours -- except for
the groupies waiting for the guys in the band.”

she’s giving you signals

Felicia’s compliments about your hairdo and duds were more buying signals. Nice. But how
the heck did she find out that you smoked? And why in the world are you trumpeting a major
flaw in your personality? And not only that, but the filthiest habit you can ever have? $6.50 a
pack, man! The headliner in your car, the ceiling of your house and your clothes all smell of
smoke, and you’re bringing this up and telling this girl that you have this battle going on --
this great big conflict inside you? I hope you remembered to tell her that your mouth tastes
like an ashtray before you try to kiss her. Why does she know this weakness about you? To
you Psych majors, you’re supposed to tell her only the GOOD THINGS. Abel, it’s funny that
you compliment me on my contributions to men, but my words go in one ear and out the
other.
What you should have said when Felicia dropped her B-bomb was: “You have a boyfriend? I
can’t believe it. What a coincidence. Because I have a girlfriend! So tell me about the guy.”

Of course you were clueless about the boyfriend in the background. You’re not supposed to
have a clue about this girl’s boyfriend. You don’t know anything about her, pal! You’ve
just been doing business with her for four months -- you haven’t been prying into her social
life.

does she have a frequent flyer plan?

Despite her boyfriend, she wanted to meet you again. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
from East LA says, “Well, one thing I can say about this babe is that she’s loaded with
loyalty!”

It’s good that Felicia wants to come to your house. Now get the maid and the painter in, and
make that place look sharp! And while you’re at it, Abel, buy some flowers and deodorizer to
kill the smell of all those Camels and Marlboro Lights.

But let me get this straight. You want to tell a girl who has a boyfriend that you like her?
What are you thinking, pal? Is what I teach you guys really that complex? Is “The System”
just too hard for you to understand?

Abel, if Felicia is calling you and asking you out, she is biting hard, which means that the
other guy is on the way out. Or, like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, this lady wouldn’t
be caught dead in an ethics class!”

So what you’re going to do is go out with Felicia every time she calls you -- but you’re not
going to ask her out.

Remember, guys: If she has a boyfriend, make sure she chases you -- at all times.

Doc Love: She Wants Time Off

Hey Doc,

I’ve had your book for a few years, but didn’t follow it enough three years ago when I met
my fiancee, Nicole. She was only 19 at the time (she’s 22 now and I’m 26, by the way). She’s
going to school in a city that’s pretty far away, and I just graduated from school in another
city, so I’m looking for a job where she is now -- since she still has two years left before she
graduates.

About six months ago, Nicole told me that she wanted time off because she didn’t know what
she wanted and felt that something was missing in our relationship. The very next day she
changed her mind and I told her that if it ever happened again, I wouldn’t talk to her anymore.
Things have been great ever since, but yesterday, she said she had to tell me something about
that day. She admitted that she felt bad and had wanted to tell me this secret all along, but that
she never got up the courage. She said that every time I called her “baby” it made her feel
horrible about what she did.

baby’s been betrayin’

Here’s what happened: Just before she expressed to me that she wants time off, Nicole met
her ex-boyfriend (her first love) at the park a couple of times and they kissed, but nothing
more (I want to believe her, but I’m taking it with a grain of salt). She said that she is
extremely sorry about what happened and that she felt like she was going crazy, and that it
made her realize how much she wanted me and not him. She also said she regrets what
happened, big time, and wants to marry me more than ever, and that it even helped her to
realize that her ex is not for her, but that I am. She swears she hasn’t talked to him since.

As she was telling me all this, I pulled out “The System” and read the section on “Betrayal.” I
didn’t blow up, but told Nicole that I was very angry. I also told her that if she ever does
anything like that again or tells me that she wants time off, there would be no more me and
her.

trying to regain control

Nicole begged me to forgive her, but I told her that I was too angry to think straight, that I
needed to go and sleep on it, and that I’d call her when I woke up. I will try to give her
another chance, but I’m wondering how I should go about it. I’m thinking of telling her
something like, “If you’re absolutely positive that you still want to be with me and marry me,
and that you will not ever think about doing something like this again, then I forgive you and
we can move on.”

What do you think, Doc?

Primo - who hopes to get back in control

doc love’s answer

Hi Primo,

Why in the world didn’t you follow what’s in my book when you needed it? You invested in
the Dating Dictionary, didn’t you? Some of you guys out there feel that just by having my
books in your house, the words will somehow magically fly through the air and nestle
between your ears. My friend, learning how to deal with women is a rough, tough practice
that takes lots of discipline. So, to invest in my book -- THE GREATEST TOOL YOU CAN
EVER OWN WHEN IT COMES TO DATING AND WOMEN -- and not use it is simply
unbelievable.
When she wants time off, you want to give it to her -- forever…

the problem with primo’s situation

Now, let’s look at what’s going on with Nicole. You’ve got two problems here right off the
bat. First of all, she’s just a little girl and a ding-dong to boot. Second, she’s living out of
town. So, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Oh, yeah, you’re off to a great start!”
Those conditions would be OK if Nicole was deeply in love with you, but like my Uncle
Jethro Love says, “You can’t trust 22-year-olds, boy!”

Dude, when you hear a girl say that she wants time off, you’re done, done, done. DONE. As
in, FOREVER. And what bothers me most was that you had my book. If you didn’t have the
book, I wouldn’t be browbeating you, Primo. But it was sitting on your nightstand, and look
at what you’ve done here. You had a shot at a hottie and what did you do? You didn’t do
what it says to do in my book, and now she’s going to walk. It’s over.

what a girl wants

This girl might not know what she wants, but she sure as heck knows what she doesn’t want.
Of course something was missing in your relationship -- her high Interest Level! But the next
day she changed her mind. So she’s going to practice the yo-yo now, huh? Like my cousin
Brother Love down in Watts says, “Yo, dawg, why are you even talking to this girl?” Primo,
you should do two things right now. One, tell Nicole to forget your name. Two, tell her to
forget your phone number.

Things haven’t been great between you and her, man. A girl says she wants time off and
according to you, things are great? This girl’s treating you like a human boomerang. How
could you possibly like being treated that way? So things aren’t so great. It’s not just an
oxymoron -- it’s stupid.

giving her too much credit

Of course Nicole met up with her ex-boyfriend. When a girl is bored, she starts giving out her
home phone number to guys, but if there’s no one around, she goes back to her first love.
They all do it. And of course they kissed -- at two in the morning in the back seat of his car!
And you’re taking all of this with a grain of salt? You’re giving her 100 times too much
credit, Primo!

You know why Nicole felt like she was going crazy? Because she was with two guys she
doesn’t love! But she claims that kissing her ex convinced her that she wanted you and not
him. Well, that makes sense -- go and make out with some other guy and then you’ll know
whom your true love is! Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “That’s perfectly rational.”
But like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Once a cheater, always a
cheater.” Next! Maybe Nicole should go kiss the soccer team and see if any of those guys
are for her.

re-read betrayal
Are you sure you read the section on “Betrayal” in my book? It says don’t ever show the girl
that you’re angry. And it also says don’t ever have a heavy, serious conversation with her.
So you’d better re-read “Betrayal.” It sounds like you missed a few things.

When you told Nicole there wasn’t going to be any more you and her, was that the third or
fourth ultimatum? Don’t you know when you’re out, Primo? Or like my cousin General Love
says, “What does this girl have to do, burn down your house?”

How can you ever trust this girl? To you Psych majors, YOU CAN’T.

Remember, guys: Once they stray, it’s adios, baby.

Doc Love: Is She Trustworthy?

Hey Doc,

I’ve been going out with Romy for a year and a half and just recently she gave me a reason to
wonder if she's trustworthy?

She has always been very real with me and I’ve always hated it when other guys talk to her. I
know I can’t do anything about it, but I simply do not trust single guys around her. Anyway,
she just started college and has met several new guys who happen to be in her group. They
had to meet outside of school for some projects, and in the beginning I overreacted about it,
but then I got over it.

For the past couple of days, I’ve gone into Romy’s e-mail and found messages that she wrote
to one of the guys about going to the beach and hanging out with him behind my back. I got
very angry about it, but I didn’t call her on it right away. First, I asked her if she’d been
talking to any of these guys about hanging out or if they had asked her out -- and she kept
saying no. I just wanted her to admit what she said to this guy, but she refused.

inside jokes at your expense

After I admitted looking at her e-mail, Romy finally broke down and said that the whole
thing had only been an inside joke. She added that I would never have believed her if she told
me the truth and that she would have felt the same if I did the same thing to her behind her
back.
Long story short, I need to know if I should just dump Romy now and be done with it or give
her another chance to make things faithful between us. I really want to be with her, Doc, but
I also hate to be played. I don’t believe her and she has lost my trust. Doc, is she trustworthy?

The Bull - who doesn’t like being gullible

doc love's answer

Hi Bull,

It’s OK, if not natural, to dislike other guys talking to your girl. I just hope you don’t put on a
long face and pout whenever guys put the moves on Romy. Because what happens if you toss
a hissy fit is you show her that in the future, if she ever wants to control you or get to you, all
she has to do is talk to another guy. Like my cousin General Love says, “What you’re actually
doing when you lose control of yourself is giving her information and ammo for future battles
-- which she’s going to win!”

How many of you have asked, "Is she trustworthy?"…

who do you trust?

So, you’re going about this all wrong, Bull. You have to realize that all single guys are after
Romy, and that’s fine. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “That’s just a fact of life
when you have someone who looks like Kate Beckinsale hanging off your arm.” But don’t
worry about all those other guys. To you Psych majors, it’s her you have to worry about.
How does she react to all this attention? Does she tell these other dudes that she has a
boyfriend and try to keep them at arm’s length? Or does she lead them on because she digs
the strokes?

If Romy just started college, that makes her either 18 or 19, right? My friend, this girl is just a
baby. Unless she’s an exception to the rule, she doesn’t even know what’s going on in her
own head at that age. What have I told you guys a million times about 18- to 22-year-olds?
The word, in case you forgot it, is TROUBLE.

harvesting a big fall

When you overreacted about Romy’s new group of classmates, did you let her see how it got
to you? I’m sure you did. When you plant a seed like that in her mind, it grows, and the man
who is insecure, jealous and possessive sets himself up for a fall with a girl who might
normally be trustworthy. Bad move, Bull.

But we don’t know yet whether your girl is trustworthy. So, is Romy trustworthy? Well, let’s
see what we know. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “We know that she
wants to wear a thong, jump up and down in the sand and play volleyball on the beach with
this other guy.” What does that tell you, Bull?

It’s OK to get angry with Romy, just don’t get angry in front of her. What you were doing
was indirectly accusing this girl of cheating. If she wasn’t cheating, it only showed how
insecure you are. But if she was unfaithful, she has to lie to you anyway, which means that
you’re in a lose-lose situation here, Bull. What’s the difference if she told you she talked to
this guy or not? But you have to face reality: If she wants to go to the beach half-naked and
party with this one guy and it’s not a group school function, you’re OUT.

you’re the punchline

Sure, all of Romy’s e-mail correspondences were an inside joke -- between her and the beach
boy. And you’re the outsider, Bull. You’re the one who’s not in on the big laugh. Of course
you wouldn’t have believed her if she told you the truth about what happened -- who would? I
got news for you -- nobody would.

So, Romy would feel the same if you starting fooling around behind her back? What’s that
supposed to mean? Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Have you noticed that when these
babes are playing with your head that they always add cute little taglines that mean absolutely
nothing?”

But despite what went down, you’d like to give Romy the chance to be faithful to you. How
could she be faithful if she has low Interest Level? Of course you don’t want to be played,
Bull; no guy in his right mind would. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says,
“What you have to understand, dawg, is that she’d rather be at the beach with the younger guy
than an uptight geezer.”

Remember, guys: When you lose trust in a girl, you can never get it back.

Doc Love: Is It Too Late To Call Her?

Hey Doc,

I discovered your columns a couple of months ago and I have been addicted ever since. I must
say that you have quite a great deal of insight into the male-female thing and I wanted to
compliment you. You’re really quite funny too -- I don’t know if anyone has ever mentioned
that. It’s refreshing to see someone deal with dating and relationships in such a lighthearted
manner, and be so serious and profound at the same time.

a worthy makeover
Anyway, here’s what I’m writing about. I am a 50-year-old man. I’ve had a crush on Sienna
since I was 12 (I know this sounds weird, but it’s true.) She recently lost her parents, whom
she cared for because they were elderly. Sienna is 51, was never married and never had kids. I
recently discovered her profile on a computer-dating network. Years ago she used to be
plump and had very poorly dyed hair and bad teeth. Now she’s drop-dead gorgeous. Her hair
has been done beautifully, her teeth have been fixed and she’s lost 105 pounds! In other
words, she has had a very expensive makeover. But here’s what disturbs me: Sienna is saying
on her profile that she is 37 years old, and I have to admit that she does look like she could
pass for that age. She doesn’t know that I know about her deception, by the way.

Sienna and I have not been in touch for a long time, Doc, and although we never had a
romantic relationship, I could never get this woman off my mind. I feel that this is the time to
finally try and make something happen, but I keep thinking about the fact that she’s lying
about her age.

but is it too late to call her?

Do you think that it’s ever too late to hook up with someone that you’ve always been
interested in? Is it too late to call her? Would the fact that she’s lying about her age disturb
you? Can you give me some coaching?

Remington - who was shocked to see the "new" her

doc love’s answer

Hi Remington,

The reason I use humor in my work is because I have to get past the male ego. And I have
found that if you can get a guy to laugh at himself -- hopefully when he’s not in a big crowd
-- he will accept the truth more readily. It’s much easier to listen to somebody who can make
you laugh rather than to a psychiatrist, who can be very serious and boring.

Let’s move on to your question. And before we begin, remember that you’re not a 50-year-old
man. You’re a young man, Remington. You’re 50 years young.

It might not be too late to call her, but is it worth the trouble?

sienna is a love desert

So you’ve got a thing for Sienna, a 51-year-old lady who has never in her life found a guy
to love her. And she has never in her life found a guy that she could love. Don’t you find
this a little unusual, pal? To me, this is a huge RED FLAG. I’m the biggest opponent of
divorce in the western world, but like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “I wish she had
at least one
under her belt.” And like my cousin Rabbi Love adds, “My son, you have to wonder about a
woman who’s never been kissed.”

But now she’s drop-dead gorgeous. Well, like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A.
says, “It’s amazing what $25,000 and Doctor 90210 can do!” Now this is something to
remember for all those women out there who look like a mess: If you really want to improve
yourself physically, think of all the things you can do nowadays to help yourself. Like my
cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Look at what a person has available in America
today!”

she’s a cougar hunting for a chicken

So, if Sienna has gorgeous hair, straight white teeth and the rest of her body is all buffed up
now, she probably could pass for 37. Good for her. But a large segment of women in this
country lie straight through their teeth about how much they weigh, which is a lot worse than
lying about their age. But you have to also realize that everyone in America lies about their
age because we’re a youth-oriented society and most people are desperately trying to hold on
to their youth.

What I have to wonder, though, is whether Sienna is after some 24- to 35-year-old guys by
pretending to be 37 years old. That’s the second big RED FLAG I see here. Let’s face it,
dude, the only reason she’s fibbing about her age is to attract younger men -- not some 60-
year-old geezer.

What I would do if I were you, Remington, is keep your mouth shut about the age issue.
Don’t even bring it up. Don’t make it into a big deal. But remember that the fact that she’s
lying about it is indeed a red flag.

Lots of women lie about their age. And to be fair, lots of guys lie about themselves too; on
Internet dating sites they say that they’re a five-foot-nine man when they’re really a five-foot-
seven man. It’s the same thing. So I’d let that one slide for now. But I’d keep an eye peeled
for any type of exaggeration she makes in the future, and I’d listen very closely to every word
she says. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “When she starts telling people that she’s the past
Miss South Carolina, you know she’s a loon.” So go ahead and contact her through this
dating website and get her to Starbucks.

make that love connection

Remington, it’s never too late to hook up with someone you’re interested in as long as you
didn’t have a relationship with her on a romantic level in the past. Put her lies about her age
into cold storage, at least for the time being. That said, I don’t like people who lie. On the
other hand, an American woman who is five-foot-six and weighs 140 pounds is going to say
that she’s five-foot-seven and 130 pounds. That’s just the way it is.
Remember, guys: As long as you’ve never dated her, you can always take a shot at her.

Doc Love: When Should You Call Her?

Hey Doc,

I’ve been reading your articles and from what I can tell, you’re a genius. I plan to buy “The
System” in the very near future, but I had an incident recently that needs some illumination.

I met Scarlett at my gym. Following your advice, when I first talked to her I kept it short and
left with her phone number. I was amped. This was on a Thursday and I wanted to take her
out on Saturday, so I decided that I should set something up on Friday before she made plans.

i need a shot, and i need it fast

On Friday, I saw Scarlett again at the gym and asked if she’d like to go out for a drink. She
said, “Sure, just give me a call.” I told her that I worked on Saturday and would have to call
her after I was done with work. On Saturday, I waited a couple of hours after getting off work
before calling her. Our conversation was very brief, with her asking what the plan was for the
night. I told her I thought we could go to a coffee shop nearby and possibly see a movie (I
realized later that the movie was too much). She said, “All right, but I have to pick up my
mom from the airport and visit with her, so I’ll call you in a half hour.”

Here’s the kicker, Doc -- she didn’t have my number. I reminded her of this fact and gave it to
her. I felt stupid afterward, waited the half hour for her to call and then just made other plans
since I knew it wasn’t happening. And of course it didn’t.

So what the hell did happen? When should you call her? Thanks for your insight, Doc!

Kane - who doesn’t know how he screwed up or when he should call her

doc love’s answer

Hi Kane,

You tell me you just had a bad incident and I sympathize with you, guy. But here’s the most
important thing: IF YOU’D HAD MY BOOK AT THE TIME, YOU WOULD HAVE
KNOWN WHAT TO DO. So, because you continue to stall on investing in the only
sound method of managing your social life, you’re floundering around and messing up
legitimate opportunities with all the women you meet. As we say in sales, you’re burning
good leads
because you don’t have a clue what you’re doing. In other words, you don’t know how to sell,
Kane.

got the girl under pressure

So, you got Scarlett’s number on a Thursday and you wanted to take her out on Saturday?
Dude, right away you’re pressuring this babe, and you should be more concerned about your
technique than when you should call her. You’re squeezing her and you don’t even know her.
You’re setting yourself up for a fall because you’re doing a rush job. And with women you
can never push hard and you can never rush. Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier,
when you employ those tactics, you’re bound to get killed.”

When should you call her? Doc Love explains...

The next boo-boo you pulled was actually asking this girl on Friday for a Saturday date. This
is what we call a small window of opportunity and you should have waited a week to call
Scarlett for that drink. Like I said before, you’re suffocating this girl already and you haven’t
even been out with her once!

locking down a maybe date

Then you told Scarlett that you’d call her after you were through with work. In other words,
you went ahead and set up obligations that were almost guaranteed to make everything go
wrong. Think about all the wonderful possibilities, pal: What if an emergency came up and
you got sucked into working later? What if your boss unloaded a new project on you and kept
you there until midnight? What if he didn’t have the keys to the building? What if he didn’t
show up? You get the idea.

You’re trying to get a half dozen things out of the way before you even get together with
Scarlett. And you don’t even have a solid date set with her. You have what I like to call a
definite “maybe” date.

But it gets worse. By having to deal with her mom at the airport, Scarlett is confusing the
issue further by adding all her stuff to the stew. So, now the two of you have to get all these
other extraneous matters out of the way before you can meet. You’ve got things to do,
Scarlett’s got things to do and, as an added element, you have to remember Murphy’s Law --
because Murphy is always out there lurking and waiting to screw things up even more. If you
had made a date for the following Wednesday or Thursday, you would have bypassed all this
junk. Now you have a mountain of clutter between the two of you.

on the road to ruin

Of course Scarlett didn’t have your phone number. How could she remember something as
unimportant as that with all the other litter on her mind? Whenever you go through this back
and forth stuff, something always goes wrong. To you Psych majors, you have to set a solid
date with a woman far enough into the future so that nothing unexpected comes up and moves
you out of that position.

Kane, you were a dummy for not giving Scarlett your number when you were talking to her
so she could call you back. And secondly, you should have never had her call you back
because your date should have been set for a full week into the future. Now your budding
relationship with this lady is nothing but a mess. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East
L.A. says, “This thing was dead in the water from the beginning.”

What you should have done was call Scarlett back 30 minutes later and said, “Hey, I forgot to
give you my number. Are we still on?” You just don’t walk away from the situation like you
did. But again, this thing was a jumble from the outset.

kane is locked in rush hour

Kane, this was a rush job. You tried to do too much too soon. When you have too many
events going on, you know what happens? You end up being a loser, which is uncalled for
because this girl gave you her phone number, which means that you had her Interest Level
up. So, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You burned a good lead, man.”

Remember, guys -- when you try to rush things with a woman, you’re going to crash and
burn.

Doc Love: Dealing With An Alpha Female

Hey Doc,

I have quite the issue: I’m seeing and dealing with an alpha female -- a woman who has to be
the leader and have everything her own way -- who I have had a very committed relationship
with in the past. When Sara and I got to college and she grew out of her high school ugly
duckling phase, she essentially went nuts for all the attention she was getting from other guys.
Having already been there myself, I realized how fake that kind of attention can be, and Sara
and I broke up.

Two years later we got back together. It’s now been about six months since she came
crawling back for “the only person who ever really cared about her” and, once again, she’s
showing signs of her alpha-female attitude by dating other guys and calling us “non-serious.”
In other words, she reneged on saying how much she wants to be with me forever. I realize
that while she claims to be divided within herself, I have admitted, at least to myself, that I
have never been very good at dealing with an alpha female and really don’t have time to play
games. She says she doesn’t want to lose me a second time and just needs to learn to handle
the attention she gets.

alpha females and their buddy time

Sara creates reasons why I can’t come and hang out with her and her guy friends, despite the
fact that they’re my friends as well. So, I called her bluff and said that if it were really about
friendship and that she “just doesn’t get along with other girls,” it would be easy to
incorporate me into her “guy-friend time” while still maintaining those friendships.

Doc, is Sara scared of settling down? How can I be reasonable about her spending time with
other people when I know for a fact that she’s emotionally cheating on me? How do I combat
her alpha-female habits/attitudes and also keep her stimulated enough so that her alpha-
female personality doesn’t get bored? Please help!

Foster - who’s having trouble dealing with an alpha female

doc love’s answer

Hi Foster,

I’m going a little out of order here, but please bear with me. Number two: You dated this girl
when she was between 18 and 22. And when you fall in love with a babe in that age range,
you’re asking for trouble. Like the old Chinese proverb goes, “At that age they’re a tad
flighty, grasshopper.”

you’ve been drop-kicked

You guys didn’t break up; Sara dropped you. She dropped you because she wanted the
attention of 500 other guys. And number one: You, with your Interest Level, didn’t mean
anything to her. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “That’s part of being a girl versus
being a woman.”

Why did you two get back together? Here we go again: What have I told you guys a million
times already? You get one chance per woman per lifetime. Foster, you and Sara are the
perfect example of what happens when you try to go back when it’s over. I’d feel sorry for
you if you didn’t make the same mistake again and again.

Dealing with an alpha female is often a faux pursuit…

Did you notice that Sara talked only about how much you care about her and she’s not talking
about her wild passion for you? And all this isn’t because she’s a so-called “alpha female,”
it’s because you turned her off and she has low Interest Level.
tap dancing on her ego
All you guys ever want to do is rationalize the woman’s behavior. Every time a woman does
something nasty to you, you make the excuse that she’s an alpha female, that she’s shy or
that she’s been hurt. You always come up with a second, third or fourth reason why you got
dumped, but never the FIRST, MOST IMPORTANT REASON -- which is LOW INTEREST
LEVEL. This girl doesn’t dig you. And if you did leave her the first time -- which I doubt --
she only came back to you because she couldn’t believe that you didn’t come crawling back
to her begging like 90% of guys do when she’s in that 40% to 49% Interest Level range.

Sara only told you she wanted to be with you forever to get you back because you rubbed her
ego wrong. She was just playing an ego game with you, and now you have her mixed up
with an alpha female -- which is really a bunch of BS.

This girl is not “divided in herself” at all. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “She
knows exactly what she wants. She likes to run around with five or six guys at a time.” She
craves attention and she has to have it. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “She probably has
very low self-esteem and one man will never be able to fulfill her.” You don’t stand a chance,
buddy.

I got news for you, Foster -- alpha females with high Interest Level don’t play games with
their men. That’s what you don’t seem to get. Don’t believe me? Look at Hillary Clinton.
She’s about as alpha as they come and even the fact that her husband has repeatedly cheated
on her hasn’t lowered her Interest Level. And by the way, when is Sara going to learn to
handle all this male attention? When she’s collecting Social Security?

she’s running with the pack

Dude, why would you want to be with a girl who’s running around with your friends? Like
my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You gotta lay off the Jack Daniels, my
friend. It’s warping your judgment.”

Sara wasn’t bluffing you at all -- she’s dead serious. Whether she gets along with other girls
or not is not an issue here. The point -- the only point -- is her Interest Level toward you.
That’s all that counts. This whole thing about incorporating you into her “guy-friend time”
has absolutely nothing to do with the issue of her interest in you. You have to get that
straight.

Sara’s not scared of settling down. As a matter of fact, she’s not scared of anything. Like my
Uncle Jethro Love says, “She’s only scared of having to spend time with you, when she’d
rather be with the rugby team!”

she has to like you to cheat

And she’s not cheating on you either; to cheat on you she’d have to have high Interest Level
in you in the first place.

Sadly, you can’t keep Sara from getting bored. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts
says: “Too late, dawg. Her Interest Level crossed over into Mexico.”

Remember, guys: If you don’t face reality, you’re going to end up in pain.

Doc Love: Her Choice Of Friends

Hey Doc,

I purchased “The System” three months ago and I love it. THANK YOU! As I read through
it I had the feeling that I knew this stuff all along, but just didn’t practice it enough. The end
of a long relationship is what prompted me to buy it, but I’m not going to get into that.
What’s done is done. I’ve really looked objectively at dating and have used your techniques
with great success, but I recently had an experience from which I’m not sure I can learn
anything; I’ll just share it with you.

Two months ago Farrah approached me with her phone number in hand and a smile. I really
didn’t have to do much, just act confident and playful. I didn’t call her for a week and when I
did, I only stated my first name and acted like she knew exactly who was calling. I kept all the
conversations light and there were no weekend dates for six weeks until she insisted.
Basically I had her chasing me, which was a great feeling.

abrasive like sand paper

The other night, however, she called and asked if she could stop by with a friend (they were
in the neighborhood). At first I told her I was tired, but then agreed to a brief visit. Her friend
turned out to be one of the rudest people I’ve ever met and she immediately began
questioning my intentions with Farrah: “How many girls are you dating?” “What makes you
think you’re good enough to go out with Farrah?” In fact, this girl even threatened my life if I
screwed up.

I bit my lip and controlled my rage and said it was getting late and I was tired. The rude
friend was about to leave, and Farrah asked if she could stay and if I could drive her home
later. I told her it wasn’t a good idea and walked them both out. I figured I played my cards
pretty well, but I was still upset that someone would have the audacity to come into my house
and interrogate me.

I could tell that Farrah didn’t really condone her friend’s behavior, but she didn’t make a
move to stop this interrogation either. That night was such a turnoff that I pretty much wrote
Farrah off. It’s been two days, and I’m surprised she hasn’t called to apologize. I’d like to
chalk this up as a learning experience, but I don’t know what I’ve learned. Does her choice of
friends say anything about her?

Logan - whose head is still spinning

doc love’s answer

Hi Logan,

You didn’t just purchase “The System,” pal, you invested in it. Because once you digest the
book, everything is going to change. And you’re correct -- most of this information is lying
dormant within men. They just don’t have the guts to really believe in it. But I’m going to
make you a believer, especially after I give you some information on her choice of friends.

Doc Love tells Logan about her choice of friends…

After a flopped relationship is when guys usually come to me. Like the great Doctor Freud
once said, “They never think about a maintenance program. They only go to the doctor when
they’re sick.” They wouldn’t think to go to the doctor ahead of time to take blood tests and
ask what kinds of vitamins to take and the right foods to eat, because then they would
PREVENT any potential problems. They think to themselves, “When it comes to women,
I’m just going to wing it and be myself… ” until it’s too late.

in the line of fire

So, Farrah chased you. The man is normally the pursuer, and you reversed the pattern. Now
she’s the pursuer. Which means that you hold the all-important REJECTION CARD. Farrah
passed it to you by coming straight at you. She put her ego on the line for a change. For once,
the woman put her feelings in the line of fire. To you Psych majors, this is what most guys
don’t understand: by using a Challenge you can actually get a woman to chase you.

Agreeing to a brief visit while you were tired was a huge mistake, Logan, and I’ll tell you
why. For one thing, you haven’t been with this babe long enough to be meeting her friends.
You only meet her friends after you get 10 or 12 dates in. Secondly, you were tired, which
means you’re not up to putting on a show. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A.
says, “If you’re not up to performing for a woman, you shouldn’t be around her.”

counter strike with wit

When this friend of your girl started getting rude on you, you should have said, “Honey,
Farrah’s my first date; I’ve never been out with anybody else.” And when she demanded to
know if you were good enough to go out with her friend, you should have come back with,
“You know something? I’m really not. So this will probably be our last date.” Or better yet:
“Hey, don’t get on my case; Farrah chased me!” When this wonderful acquaintance of
Farrah’s threatened your life, you should have come back with, “I just love girls who beat
me!”

Remember, when you get browbeaten or interrogated, go straight into your one-liners and
channel Jim Carrey or Vince Vaughn. But you did the right thing by not letting Farrah hang
around after her friend insulted you and split.

her friend is a pig

Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Farrah’s friend is a pig.” So what does that say
about Farrah? Why would she bring a pig over to your house? And the fact that Farrah didn’t
stop the assault is really interesting. Like my cousin General Love says, “Passive resistance
doesn’t cut it on the battlefield.” Farrah should have stood up for you and said: “Listen, this
guy’s been a gentleman for our first six dates, and he has manners and class. So I’d appreciate
it if you stopped beating up my future boyfriend.” That’s what she should have done -- if she
had Integrity.

But she didn’t. So why are you waiting for Farrah to apologize for this debacle? She didn’t
apologize on the spot, so why would you expect her to phone and apologize now?

Here’s what you learned, Logan: You don’t meet the girlfriends at your house when you’re
bushed.

As far as your question goes, Farrah’s choice of friends says everything about her. But you
also have to look at the possibility (10%) that she knew her girlfriend would attack you. Or
(another 10%) that Farrah really wanted to find out what your intentions were and she got her
friend to do it for her. In the end it’s 80% certain her friend is just a pig.

Remember, guys: Never let them know they got to you.

Doc Love: Is He A Threat?

Hey Doc,

I’ve been following your principles for a couple of years now, but I’m at a loss for what to do
in my present situation.

I met my girlfriend, Crystal, two years ago, and in that time things went great and I was
happy. The thing is that she has a jealous ex, Zach, and although she has told me time and
again that he is just a friend, I’m a little skeptical. He is actually related to her brother-in-law
and is really close to Crystal’s family, so it’s possible she feels obligated to be nice to him. I
told her a while back how I felt about this guy being in the picture, and after an incident in
which he attacked one of Crystal’s friends (this friend is like her brother) in a jealous rage, I
told her that I was walking if I ever heard of Zach being in her house again or if she has
anything to do with him.

Well, today I went over to Crystal’s house to surprise her and she seemed happy to see me.
After I was invited in, I heard a man’s voice from her downstairs bathroom calling her name.
She said, “Zach is here, just so you know.” I said, “I see,” then calmly asked for my things
and my house key. I said, “We’re through” and walked out the door.

explanations make muddy waters

I went home and found an e-mail from Crystal saying: “You didn’t even give me a chance to
explain. My sister came by to visit and she had Zach with her. She wanted to go to the
hospital to visit my brother-in-law and Zach didn’t want to go, so she asked if he could stay
with me and I said, yes. I’m sorry you are mad at me. I could see the hurt in your eyes. I
hope you will forgive me. I do love you.”

So that’s where we are. I think I sent a clear message about how I felt, but before I met you,
Doc, I would have given in immediately and tried to rationalize things. Whether this is
innocent or not, Zach is the lowest of the low and he is dangerous. I told her I was walking if
he came back into the picture, and I held true to my word.

Do you think I made a mistake? Is he a threat? I really did love this girl.

Leon - who’s had enough and is asking: Is he a threat?

doc love’s answer

Hi Leon,

One of the most important components of “The System” is a woman’s Attitude. There’s also
Integrity. There’s Giving. There’s Flexibility. And the last area is called Scars and Baggage.
This is where the wonderful Zach falls in the scheme of things. Leon, I don’t dig women
staying in contact with their exes. Is he a threat? Yes. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from
East L.A. says, “When she lets the old boyfriends hang around, she’s basically spitting in
your face.” To me, it’s anti-Loyalty.

Is he a threat? Doc Love answers Leon’s questions…

If Crystal has familial obligations to Zach, she can be civil to him but she doesn’t have to be
nice to him. And there is a difference, dude. In other words, when he’s around, she doesn’t
have to be there and she doesn’t ever have to be in the same house with him. Like my cousin
Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Hey, she sure doesn’t have to let him hang around her bathroom.”

make it crystal clear

Telling her that you were going to walk was the right thing to do, pal, but here’s the more
curious point: Zach keeps dropping by. He’s a constant presence in Crystal’s life. How is it
that two whole years went by when you were going with Crystal and this issue didn’t come up
sooner? Why did it take all this time for you to bust her on it?

Nevertheless, like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, you deserve the Congressional
Medal of Honor for breaking it off with this lady.” You’ve got guts, Leon, I have to hand you
that. Ninety percent of the men out there would have overlooked what happened and not done
a thing to stop it.

After this scene with Zach there was no reason for Crystal to explain anything. Like you said
yourself, you’ve been through this already, and you told her, in no uncertain terms, what had
to happen in order for your relationship to survive. What she should have done was gotten out
of that house when Zach was there. Or better yet, she should never have let this guy in the
front door in the first place. Period. If Zach is a maniac, if he beats people up, why is she
letting him in?

crystal is transparent
Here’s what Crystal should have told her sister: “Zach can’t stay here. I’ve been in love with
Leon for two years and he doesn’t want Zach here and so he’s not allowed in my house.”

But she didn’t do that. She didn’t even come close. Like my cousin Brother Love down in
Watts says, “Yo, dawg, when you came in, maybe that boy was just stepping out of the
shower!” Leon, she doesn’t love you because she committed an unloving act. Zach was off-
limits and she allowed him into the house. This girl is not LOYAL.

Of course you would have tried to rationalize what happened between you and Crystal before
you met me; like I said earlier, that’s what the vast majority of men try to do. But what
happened wasn’t innocent. Crystal knew how you felt about this guy and she rationalized his
presence because of her sister.

the crystal ship is sailing

Crystal didn’t treat you in a loving manner and you did the right thing, and I commend you
for having the courage to stand up like a real man. Again, you should have picked up on this
a lot sooner and gotten rid of Crystal in the second or third month. You had two long years
with this girl while this bum was hanging around -- a bum who, by the way, strikes people
and is a threat.
Remember, guys: I don’t like dogs that growl and I don’t like people who growl.

Doc Love: She Contradicts Herself

Hey Doc,

Let me start by saying that I love my girlfriend Saskia very much. She does, however, have an
issue with contradicting herself. You see, she claims that I am the only one for her, yet her
actions sometimes say otherwise. And when she is called out on it, she always makes up some
lame excuse to justify her actions.

For example, when we first started dating, she was seeing some guy. It was nothing serious
(at least that’s what she told me) and I was OK with it, seeing as though at the time we
weren’t in a relationship. When we did get serious, she had a hard time letting him go. I was
very calm about it and often politely asked her to stop talking to him, but she continued and
would report to me every single time they talked, which made me furious. She tried to justify
her actions by saying that she did not want me to get the “wrong idea” since the two of them
are just friends. I saw this as even more of an insult to my intelligence because they were
romantically intimate before she knew me.

she’s a walking contradiction

Now this nonsense was going on for at least four months of our relationship. Finally, enough
was enough and I decided to give Saskia an ultimatum: “Leave him or leave me.” She left
him and we’ve been together for a year and some months now, but the same thing also
happens when it comes to other issues. She hems and haws before she says she’s going to do
something, and then she doesn’t follow through. We often argue about her communication
skills and how she’s not open enough with me, and she justifies it by saying that she just
wants me to like her.

So, my question is this: Why does she contradict herself? Why did it take all that time for me
to get her to dump her ex when she claimed she loved me so much? I hope you understand
what I am saying. This is the first girl I’ve ever been in a relationship with and I want it to
stay that way. Please help me because everyone else thinks I’m crazy.

Gavin - who sometimes feels scammed when she contradicts herself

doc love’s answer

Hi Gavin,
I know you love Saskia very much. The question is this: How much does she love you?
Because that’s all that counts, man. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If
I saw her, I’d probably love her too.” What do her actions say? Do they say, “I love Gavin
so much I can hardly stand it?”

liar, liar, pants on fire

So, Saskia has an issue with contradicting herself. I’m shocked! A woman who contradicts
herself? I’ve never heard of such a thing! She says one thing and does another, huh? Gavin,
this reminds me of that old story in which Mrs. H takes her son Bruce to a psychiatrist. When
the doctor asks what’s wrong with the boy, Mrs. H says: “Well, he’s always saying things
that aren’t true. What do you think the problem is?” And the psychiatrist ponders for a
moment and answers, “Your kid is a liar!” Maybe that’s Saskia’s problem too.

Doc Love tells Gavin what to do when she contradicts herself...

Here’s what you have to ask yourself: “Is this the only thing wrong with Saskia? How often
does it happen?” And, most important of all, “Will I be able to live with it?” Some guys can
live with the downside of a particular female, some can’t. The whole idea behind “The
System” is to identify the negative traits in a woman to see whether or not you can live with
them.

wrestling with a double standard

OK, Saskia was seeing a guy and she claims it wasn’t serious. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish”
Love says, “If it wasn’t serious, then why was she seeing him at all?” You mean she was
having a casual relationship with a guy while going with you? She’s got some racket going,
buddy.

It’s really funny how a guy is a “player” when he has two or more girlfriends, but when a girl
does the same thing, she’s just confused and wants to have friends. So much for hypocrisy,
right?

But here’s the most important point: If Saskia had a hard time letting this other guy go, you
shouldn’t have gotten serious with her. To you Psych majors: You don’t get serious until the
other guy is GONE -- for good. Sadly, most guys give away the store and go along with all
kinds of stuff that drives them crazy, and then they try to take their power back. Like my
Uncle Jethro Love says, “It’s too late when the horse is already out of the barn, boy!”

Nevertheless, you talked about the whole thing with her. Gavin, you NEVER talk about other
guys with your girlfriend. And remember, anytime you ask a woman to do something, she’s
going to do the opposite. Are you sure you got my book?

a gutless volunteer
Saskia hung on to this other guy because you didn’t have the guts to walk out on her. Of
course you were furious when she talked about him constantly, but I bet she didn’t talk to him
about you because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings. And Gavin, please -- they’re not ex-
friends, they’re ex-lovers.

Your tussle over the ex went on for a long time -- and you went along with it. Remember,
like my cousin General Love says, “There are no victims -- there are just volunteers.”

You gave Saskia an ultimatum? What were you thinking, Gavin? Ultimatums only work on
women who have an Interest Level that is 95%. And, ironically, you don’t have to give them
an ultimatum! You can’t force an ultimatum on a woman who has a low Interest Level,
because you know what she’ll say? She’ll say, “So what?”

deal with it
Saskia doesn’t have communication problems -- she has telling-the-truth problems. I want
you to be with a self-reliant, honest woman, pal, not someone who just talks and talks and
talks and it’s just a bunch of hot air.

When Saskia says she wants you to like her, it’s Womanese for she wants you to put up with
her inconsistencies and the fact that every time she says something it has nothing to do with
reality. You got a big problem here, guy. Hey, as a modern male you have to loosen up and be
more understanding. Uh, right.

This woman continues to contradict herself because that’s the way she’s built. It took her all
that time to dump the other guy because she has a low Interest Level in you. And here’s
something else to think about; you don’t know if she’s e-mailing her ex behind your back.
She might still be in contact with him, but just shuts up about it when it comes to you.

blinded by “love”
I understand that you want Saskia to be your only relationship, Gavin, but she’s a kook. You
don’t really want to be stuck with a loon, do you? Like my cousin Brother Love over in Watts
says, “Yo, dawg, the world is tough enough as it is!”

You’re not crazy, my friend; you just have a high Interest Level in Saskia and you have no
idea what’s going on in the relationship. Other than that, you’re doing great!

Remember, guys: If she can’t follow through on what she promises, you have to ask yourself
why you’re with her.

Doc Love: Roommate Romance

Hey Doc,

I’ve been a follower of your work for more than three years. I’ve memorized “The System,”
keep up with your weekly articles and I even watch old Cary Grant movies. I can’t tell you
what a huge difference your words have made for me, both with women and in everyday life.
This stuff is golden, Doc.

I recently graduated from college and took a job in another city. A female friend asked me to
live with her and another female friend, Rhia, whom I had only met a couple times before.
Since I didn’t know anyone in the city, I agreed. Rhia and I found roommate romance right
away, and my use of your principles has kept her Interest Level rising for the past few
months.

I reveal information about myself to Rhia in small doses and I usually try to steer the
conversation toward her and to ask the right questions. She recently said, “I feel like you
know a lot about me and I know nothing about you.” She regularly tries to ask me personal
questions, but I stick to “The System” and reply with witty comments, playful jokes or my
best Cary Grant impression.

she sees the future

I realize that lots of couples live together, but usually after one or more years of dating. Your
techniques say to take your time, but there was no way to see this roommate romance coming
when I agreed to live with these girls. I work full time and Rhia is a student, so we’re not
together during weekdays, but we do see each other just about every evening. Rhia usually
asks me to watch a movie, go for a run, or whatever, and she has even picked up some of my
interests in order to spend more time with me.

Rhia and I have a lot of fun together, even when we’re doing less-than-exciting things. After a
few months, it’s just getting better between us. She regularly talks about the future and what
we should do together and she has also brought up the possibility of moving past this
roommate romance and officially dating. We’ve kept our feelings about each other to
ourselves and our other roommate doesn’t know what’s going on. I’m doing my best to take it
slow and stay a Challenge.

she has soaring interest level

Doc, Rhia’s Interest Level is through the roof; however, there are lots of potential land mines
in this situation. I don’t want to give up on a good thing just because of our living
arrangement, especially with her Interest Level hovering around 90%. Any advice you can
give me would be greatly appreciated.

Franz - who’s stuck in a very tricky situation

doc love’s answer
Hi Franz,

Thank you very much for the compliment about my work. What you point out is what a lot of
men don’t realize: “The System” is not just about asking Caprice for her home phone number
-- my techniques carry over into every other area of your life. You’ll see positive results not
only in your personal life, but also in your business endeavors, and if you absorb my
principles, you will be a more confident man in general.

all “systems” go
The fact that Rhia knows nothing about you and you know all about her is the way it should
be, dude. It means that you have the advantage. Of course you always have to remember that
she holds the rejection card, but keep doing what you’re doing, Franz, and you’re going to be
all right. At least for the time being you’ve got the upper hand -- the trick is to keep it.

Doc Love guides Franz through his roommate romance…

The witty comments, clever jokes and Cary Grant impressions are also wonderful -- and
they’re what you’re going to still be doing after 45 years of marriage, pal, because like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “What got her, keeps her.”

become the hunted

It’s likewise great that you’re having all kinds of fun together. Also, always make sure that
it’s Rhia who asks you to do stuff and not the other way around. The point is to make sure
that you keep this girl constantly chasing you. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “If
she’s constantly pursuing you, she can’t be thinking of rejecting you.”

The one thing you don’t mention here, Franz, is how old this girl is. You do say, however,
that she’s a student, which leads me to believe that she’s within the dangerous age bracket of
18 to 22. If you’ve read my materials, you know what I say about girls in that age range. Like
my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If they’re not loons, they don’t even know what’s in
their own minds.” So watch your own Interest Level and keep it under control, buddy.

she has a crystal ball

Picking up the interests of the man is what a Flexible Giver does when she has high Interest
Level. The fact that you guys are having a great time even when you’re doing less-than-
exciting things is extremely important. Know why? Because it means that it doesn’t matter
what you’re doing with this girl for her to want to be with you. It means that she has high
Interest Level in you, not in how much money you’re spending on her. You can be peeling
potatoes or walking your dog and it wouldn’t make any difference to her because she’s
interested in you for you. When you go out with a mercenary, all she’s concerned with is
whether you’re going to the best restaurant in town and whether she’s going to be able
to order the lobster francaise or the filet mignon.

It’s fantastic that Rhia talks about the future. Usually the opposite is true; it’s the guys who
always want to talk about the future. Guys always want to yak about things, thinking that this
is going to entice the woman to want to stay with him. What he doesn’t realize is that this
makes him a boring pushover.

It’s so much better if she does the talking about the future because, again, she’s the one
holding the rejection card. And while she’s talking about all the great activities you two
should be doing in the future, the last thing on her mind is getting rid of you.

keep your foot off the gas

So, what you’re going to do here, Franz, is not “officially date.” You’re going to keep this
thing with Rhia at status quo until she’s going absolutely nuts. Keep in mind that you have
another roommate with whom you have to contend and like my Uncle Jethro Love says,
“Hopefully she ain’t no Blocker.”

Franz, if Rhia is truly a keeper, you might want to think about moving out of that house. The
point is just to test her. Watch her reaction when you tell her you’re going to move. To you
Psych majors, what you’re really doing is checking to see whether she goes berserk at the
thought of you being away from her. If she says, “Oh, no -- please don’t leave me, Franz,”
then you know you’re in good shape.

Remember, guys: If you’re a Challenge, she’ll never want to leave you.

Doc Love: Getting Over Her

Hey Doc,

I want to say that I’ve been a fan of your weekly letters for some time and applaud what you
have created. Finally, men have the tools to succeed with women. Despite all the wisdom I’ve
acquired, there is one problem I’m still having, which is getting over her. As typical as it
seems, I really have no idea what to do or how to stop it. Here’s the situation:

About a year ago this summer, I was finishing my last semester in college, which was a study-
abroad program. The group I was traveling with was very small and consisted mostly of
women. There were some very attractive females and I was able to get the one who captivated
me, thanks to what I learned from “The System.”
she's like a dude in sexy chick clothing
Her name was Cerise, and she wasn’t like most of the women I had dated in the past. She
could be called the “Gaming Girl” because she was heavily into Japanese animation, video
games, role playing, etc. These are interests I also hold, by the way. Cerise was extremely
beautiful, talented in art, and had many other qualities that blew me away.

In the back of my mind I always knew this was nothing more than a summer fling at best, and
I tried to enjoy it for what it was. It turned out that I was wrong. Gradually, things started
becoming more serious between us. We saw each other every weekend up until she had to
leave the country because she was studying abroad for another year. We naturally tried a
long-distance relationship that worked for a while, but it seemed we didn’t have time for each
other. The breakup was mutual, and for about three months we stayed in communication as
friends, but even that died down.

always on my mind
Being back on the market, I started to date around, but I was always thinking of Cerise. I even
had dreams about her. Doc, I need to know what this is all about. Am I just caught up in old
memories of someone I cared for deeply? If so, what’s the key to getting over her and moving
on with my life?

Thanks in advance and keep up the good work.

Mikey - who is very confused and having trouble getting over her

doc love’s answer

Hi Mikey,

It was fantastic that your study group consisted mostly of women. This is exactly what you
want! To you Psych majors, get yourself into some activity where most of the other people
involved are of the female persuasion. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “There ain’t nothin’
better than bein’ the only rooster in the henhouse!”

she moved on before you set sail

You’re very lucky that you had the same interests as Cerise; not only were you attracted to
her, but you also had things in common, which most people don’t -- even when they get
married. And it’s also nice that this girl had all these great qualities that you admired, but you
have to remember something: she’s EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL and that means that every
guy in the world is after her. So, you’d better be armed with powerful weapons when you
prepare to do battle with this dangerous creature. Like my cousin General Love says, “With a
Beautiful Woman, you’ll always be operating from a position of weakness.”

Doc Love gives Mikey more “getting over her” tips…

Mikey, not being content to accept this relationship for what it really was -- just a summer
fling -- was your big mistake. You and Cerise were from different countries and you were
inevitably going to part. Guys think they can control their emotions when they hook up with
women who are just going to be around for a couple months; I’ve got news for you -- you
can’t. You might (if you have some Self-Control) be able to control your mouth when your
emotions prod you to say something stupid, but you cannot control your emotions.

sexy women will break you

Some guys I know in Las Vegas used to date exotic dancers. I warned them that those girls
were trouble, but their response was, “Well, we’re just going out for a fun time; no way we’re
getting serious with these babes.” After three or four months, they found themselves falling in
love with the dancers. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If you don’t watch yourself
with a certain type of woman, you’ll find yourself broke or dead.”

The point is that you have to know with whom you’re falling in love and you better make sure
that she’s going to be around if you’re going to let yourself get involved. So, when you found
out that Cerise would be studying abroad for another year, right then and there you should
have told her: “Have a good time, honey. If you ever move to my town, give me a call.”

the 35 mile rule

Of course it petered out between you and this girl. Like I always tell you guys, when you date
someone, you can only be 25 to 35 miles away from her -- max. Like my cousin Fast Eddie
Love from East L.A. says, “Distance is a deal-breaker.”

Now wait a minute here. You say that this breakup was mutual? Dude, breakups are never
mutual. One party always leaves the other, and odds are that Cerise left you since Beautiful
Women never get dumped.

And why would you want to remain friends with someone you had a romantic relationship
with? You could be friendly with her, but why be friends? It’s a waste of time, which is why
that crapped out too. This goes to prove the old Chinese proverb: “Out of sight; out of mind.
Grasshopper!”

You were always obsessing about Cerise because she got your Interest Level way up into the
80s and then she got rid of you indirectly. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “The
dreams you’re having are just your ego working against you.”

find a rebound
What’s it all about? Well, Mikey, you’re a human being, not a robot. And yep, you’re just
caught up in old memories of someone you had a deep connection to once upon a time. The
saddest part is that you and Cerise started out from the same place. You thought you could
keep it light, but you ended up falling in love with someone who was going to disappear. So,
this thing was dead from the beginning. Let me say it again: WASTE OF TIME.

How do you get over Cerise and get on with your life? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My
son, memorize Doc’s principles and find a replacement!”

Remember, guys: If they’re going to move away, don’t fall in love.

Doc Love: Giving Mixed Signals

Hey Doc,

I’ve got a problem with my girlfriend and I need your help.

Jewel and I met at work a year ago. We casually chatted and got along quite well. After we
attended an office party together I called her and we started dating. However, although I knew
I had an Interest Level in her at the beginning, I wasn’t as sure about hers. I knew she had
recently gotten out of a relationship and at the time I came into the picture she seemed to put
up almost a psychological “wall” to prevent me from getting too close. I got the impression
she was interested in me, but didn’t want to get too close because she seemed almost afraid of
getting hurt.

time equals decay

We kept dating and always had a good time together. I figured that the more she got to know
me, the more comfortable she would become. However, I didn’t pursue her hard enough and
she was sending me mixed signals. So, after seeing her for the first time in a couple of
weeks, I decided to find out where I stood. She said that she thought I was giving her a
“friend” vibe and was totally confused. She also said that there was a time when she had an
Interest Level of 71% in me, but because I didn’t come on strong enough she lost interest and
now has an Interest Level of 0% as she has met someone else.

This “someone else” and Jewel have only hung out like once or twice and now she says there
is no chemistry between us at all. I told her that I thought she was giving me mixed signals. I
was fed up and I said that although I did like her I thought it would be better if we never saw
each other again. She said that the ball was in my court if I wanted to get together with her as
a friend. I don’t know if she’s trying to make me jealous, just playing mind games or why
her Interest Level dropped that much. What should I do? And who’s giving mixed signals?
Neal - who doesn’t get where she’s coming from or who’s giving mixed signals

doc love’s answer

Hi Neal,

You cozied up to Jewel at an office party? You showed your boss that you were dating this
girl? What if he was after her? Did you think of that? You don’t date a woman at work, and
you don’t do a group date, which is what an office party is. You made big mistakes right out
of the chute.

a mixed bag of denial

Before we get to who was giving mixed signals, let me explain why you weren’t sure about
Jewel at the beginning. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “It’s because she wasn’t giving you
any buying signals, my son.” So you actually were sure, Neal. You just didn’t know what to
look for.

Don’t fret over Jewel getting bounced out of her last relationship. Odds are 90% that she
dropped the guy, so he’s feeling all the pain, not her. And don’t flatter yourself, Neal, Jewel
didn’t put a wall up to keep you out -- she simply had a low Interest Level in you.

Giving mixed signals is the least of Neal’s concerns…

You guys kill me. You never call the major factor in these breakups what it really is -- LOW
INTEREST LEVEL. You always have to tell yourself and everybody else that she’s shy,
delicate, that she’s been hurt or some other phony excuse when the truth is that she just isn’t
interested in you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If she just got
dumped by someone and George Clooney came along and wanted to date her, do you think
she’d put up a wall?” Hell, she’d be tearing down every wall in sight to let him in.

chasing a vixen
So, Jewel wasn’t afraid of getting hurt. Her Interest Level was only 55%, and that was the
problem. Sure, you kept dating her, but were you kissing her on the second, third and fourth
date or was she turning her head? And as far as her “comfort” goes, we’re not worried about
comfort level, Neal; we’re worried about Interest Level! You’re looking at the wrong thing,
guy.

What do you mean you weren’t pursuing her hard enough? When a woman is giving mixed
signals, you’re not supposed to pursue her harder -- YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BACK OFF.

Now, let me get this straight: You didn’t date this girl for over two weeks in a row? When that
happens, you’re out, dude. It’s over.

Please don’t think Jewel was confused. Women are NEVER EVER confused. Like the great
Doctor Freud once said, “Anytime they use that word, it means they have low Interest Level
in you and they have another guy on the side.” That’s what “confused” really means.
Whenever you see the words “afraid of getting hurt” or “shy” you have to substitute the
phrase Low Interest Level and then suddenly the situation will make perfect sense. To you
Psych majors, you have to stop rationalizing for these women who screw with your head.

killing interest level

I’ll explain something else to you. When a woman has an Interest Level of 71% and you back
off, her Interest Level will shoot through the roof. The way to kill an Interest Level of 71% is
to pursue her too hard. Pressure lowers Interest Level and backing off increases Interest
Level. These are basic tenets of “The System.” You should have known them, pal. And if you
had studied my materials a little harder, you’d have avoided this mess.

Jewel and her new squeeze have only hung out once or twice? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish”
Love says, “That’s Womanese for they’ve been making out in the back of his car for three
hours every time they get together.”

This babe’s Interest Level was never above 55%. The chemistry between you and Jewel went
from 55% to 35%, buddy. So she wasn’t giving you mixed signals; like I said earlier, she was
giving you low Interest Level signals. And that’s what mixed signals really mean. By the way,
I have no doubt that you were fed up with her -- two months too late.

So, you pulled the old ultimatum trip on Jewel? You told a girl who has no Interest Level
in you whatsoever -- by her own admission! -- that you don’t want to see her again? Oh,
she’ll be positively suicidal now!

You should have told Jewel that her idea for being friends was great and that you’d call her
next week. Then you should have gone and flushed her number.

no more head trips

Don’t worry about Jewel playing mind games with you: Your problem is her low Interest
Level, which was never all that high. You had a chance for a while there to push it up and you
never did. Why? Because you didn’t memorize my principles.

What should you do now? Study, study, study! Or move to Mongolia and forget women
altogether.

Remember, guys: When you don’t get where she’s coming from, that means she’s coming
from a ZERO Interest Level.
Doc Love: Asking For A Relationship

Hey Doc,

To start things off, let me tell you about myself. I’m a 6-foot-3-inch, 240-pound, 21-year-old
junior attending a private college in Virginia. I’m intelligent and a pretty outgoing person, but
I keep my conversations light because I don’t like letting people into my world unless I’m
good and ready.

The problem I’m having is that I constantly find myself going out with a girl for three or
four weeks before being told something along these lines: “I think you’re an awesome
person, but I just want to stay friends.” I get this response when I am asking for a
relationship.

old-fashioned strategies
In my most recent experience, the girl told me she found me attractive, gave every sign that
she was interested in me, and even told me we connected very well. We had already been on
five dates when I asked to advance the relationship and that’s when I got rejected; it’s not like
I’m jumping the gun and asking for a relationship too early. I held off kissing this girl because
I figured the longer I waited, the more likely she would want to kiss me and it would
strengthen her attraction for me.

Basically, I have no idea what I’m doing wrong. Please help me.

Xavier - who’s at the end of his rope when it comes to asking for a relationship

doc love’s answer

Hi Xavier,

Wow. You must be some physical specimen, pal, especially if your waist is a tight and taut 34
inches. If it’s 42 inches or above, you’re not a football player or a bodybuilder, Xavier --
you’re just plain fat. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Looking like the Pillsbury
Doughboy ain’t gonna help you attract babes, paisan. That’s half your problem, right there.”
So, let’s hope that you’re at least in decent shape and not just a bunch of large measurements.

keep it light, stay mysterious

On the other hand, keeping your conversations light is a fantastic quality, so you’re doing
something right. More men should cultivate that ability. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
from East L.A. says, “The sooner you can learn to keep your trap shut about what goes on
in your private life, the better off you are.” Or like my cousin General Love puts it,
“Whatever comes out of your mouth can be used as cannon fodder.”

Asking for a relationship is an easy way to smother the spark…

You simply cannot believe how many people out there are jealous or envious, and if they
ever have the slightest chance, they’re going to knife you right in the back. This is especially
true at college or on the job -- good for you, Xavier, for knowing enough to keep you to
yourself. And I hope you’re remembering to be funny as well as light.

impress someone, putz

Now, let’s take a look at your problem. First, all these girls you’re dating are giving you three
to four weeks to show them something -- and you’re not doing it. You’re not selling them.
You’re not increasing their Interest Level, which is what you’re supposed to be doing; you’re
doing the opposite and lowering it. So, you’re obviously doing something very wrong.

Second, you NEVER, EVER ask a girl for a relationship. She’s supposed to ask YOU for a
relationship, dude. That’s the whole idea of Challenge. The fact that she has to come
TOWARD you is what gives you balance in the relationship.

What’s happening to you, Xavier, in salesman’s vernacular, is that you’re blowing all your
leads. And you’re landing some great ones, man. You’re getting the chance to go out on three
or four dates with these honeys, but for some reason you’re not able to sell them. You’re only
lasting three or four outings, and in that time you’re not closing the deal, which is what my
book teaches you how to do. In fact, with each shot you take, you’re going in the opposite
direction.

getting smacked around

Of course you got smacked down when you asked to advance the relationship; you were
pushing too hard and a request like that just proves it.

You tell me that you’re not jumping the gun with any of these girls, but I don’t know that to
be the truth at all because you’re not giving me enough information to go on. For instance,
you don’t tell me whether you’re waiting a week to call these girls. Are you asking them out
for Sunday through Thursday like you’re supposed to? Are you creating a mysterious persona
that attracts and keeps a female interested in you? You’ve got to give me more evidence to
evaluate.

Since you’re flopping with every babe, my guess is that you’re all over them and that will do
nothing to further your cause, as you’d know if you read my book. Those tactics --
smothering and pushing -- will only make you look like a desperate loser. Worse, you’re no
doubt dealing
with the 18- to 22-year-old ding-dongs in college. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “That
there’s the most dangerous territory when it comes to females.”

kissin’ time
One more thing: By your own admission, you’re not kissing these women at the end of every
date. To you Psych majors, it’s a half-truth that waiting to kiss a girl will ratchet up her
attraction to you. The entire point of kissing a girl after a date is to test her to see whether she
already has existing Interest Level in you.

Xavier, from all of the above blunders you’re committing, I can tell that you don’t have my
materials. Until you get and memorize them, you’re going to continue to go through this
frustrating cycle of abject failure. You’ll go on being an unhappy guy. So, you have to put in
the effort to transform yourself. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Everybody wants to be
different, but nobody wants to change.”

Here’s your choice, my friend: Memorize my book or transfer to a monastery and give up on
women altogether.

Remember, guys: Without my materials, you don’t stand a chance.

Doc Love: She Flirts With Other Guys

Hey Doc,

This question comes from a personal experience that, in my opinion, is not dealt with fully in
“The System.”

You've stated that if a woman flirts with other guys the relationship is actually over. And if
she flirts with other guys, her Interest Level has plummeted and the writing's on the wall.
What if the woman repeatedly (over a period of months, and at work) flirts with only one
other man, tells you about it, swears that she has no intention of taking it any further than
“play flirting,” but admits she has always found herself attracted to him and that she gets a
schoolgirl giddiness out of it even after months of this “playing?”

getting her kicks

How can a man determine whether his woman is truly just “playing” in a single, ongoing
flirtation to indulge her need for kicks or if she is just hanging on to her current
boyfriend until she can set up a new dating situation with the object of her play flirting?

Too complicated? Anyway, it happened to one other buddy before it happened to me with my
girlfriend, Serena.

Thanks for your great work, but I don't think that getting dates is all we should focus on; we
also need to know when to stop dating a particular woman and how to acquire perspective,
right?

Dawson - who needs to know how to handle it when his girl flirts with other guys

doc love’s answer

Hi Dawson,

Before we get into your problem, let me ask you a question: Why is that you don’t come to
me and say, “You know, Doc, this topic is probably covered in your book, but I wasn’t able
to see it. Would you please help me out? Would you please help me to understand better?”

insulting the teacher

In other words, when you’re asking for free advice from a coach, rather than say it’s not dealt
with -- when, in fact, it is dealt with in my book, and in considerable depth -- why don’t you
approach with hat in hand, be humble and show a little graciousness? The point is, Dawson,
that I really don’t care about your opinion. You should see all the letters I get from guys
saying that I’ve changed their lives -- and not only in the area of dating women. This
obtuseness tells me that you probably just read the Dating Dictionary once -- and lightly at
that. And like I’ve told you guys many times before, unless you read it 20 times, you’re not
going to get it.

When she flirts with other guys, even for fun, it’s still flirting, pal…

Let’s look at your situation anyway. You quote me as saying that it’s over if your girl flirts
with another man. Perfect! You hit it right on the head. It’s possible that Serena has high
Interest Level in you, but that she’s untrustworthy. Do you want to live with a woman you
can’t trust? Or she might have high Interest Level in you, but one man isn’t enough for her,
so she has to flirt with other guys because she’s needy. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love
says, “Do you really want a babe who’d rather be with the rugby team than you?”

sold! to the sucker in back

I have to hand it to your girl, Dawson. She sold you some story. In fact, it was so good that
she should win a Salesperson Of The Year Award for telling you up front that she’s flirting
with a guy at work, but that it’s only “play flirting” and it doesn’t mean a thing. And the sad
part is that you bought it.

Dawson, I got news for you: Play-flirting is still flirting. I don’t care what word Serena puts in
front of “flirting,” it’s still the same thing. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “If it looks like a
snake, and hisses like a snake, by golly, it’s a snake!”

On top of it, she came right out and told you that she’s attracted to the other guy. Wow, man -
- what more do you need? Somehow because she puts the word “play” in front of it you act
like you don’t even know what the word “flirting” means. This babe is flirting with someone
she’s obviously got the hots for and you’re distorting it into an example of her not flirting. Uh
-- come again?

she’s an attention whore

Serena’s either flirting or she’s not flirting -- that’s all there is to it. You’re trying to find
another alternative here and there just isn’t one. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “It is
what it is.”

Now, regarding whether or not she’s just playing head games or trying to set another guy up
to start dating him, think of it this way: You’re strolling down the beach with Serena and
some dude comes up to her and starts telling her how beautiful she is. Instead of saying
thanks for the compliment, but you’re coming on to me and I already have a boyfriend, she
laps up all the attention like a starving cat while you’re off buying the Coca-Colas. Why?
Because like I said, one guy isn’t enough for her.

Complicated? It isn’t complicated at all, Dawson. It’s actually very simple. What you’re
doing is RATIONALIZING your girl’s actions. And like I just said, it is what it is. Hey, guy,
this kind of thing happens to lots of buddies. What does that have to do with anything? Your
mess is just one more example of a guy rationalizing a female’s behavior and how twisted the
rationalizing can become. You’re willing to do anything to try and keep Serena. Worse,
you’re willing to do anything to not face the reality of the situation.

To you Psych majors: In the beginning you have to focus only on dates. When it comes to the
opposite sex, you’re only in the first grade, Dawson. You can’t earn a doctorate until you’ve
gone through every grade to get there. You will eventually grow into a man and you’ll learn
about the long-term and the maintenance program to keep a woman in love with you, but only
after you take the first baby steps.

knowledge is power
Dude, you skimmed my book once. It hasn’t sunk in yet. I’ve packed 35 years' worth of
experience and thousands of interviews with women onto the pages of that book. You haven’t
absorbed all of this wisdom by a long shot. You’ve only just scratched the surface and you’ve
got a long, long way to go. Just do everything I say, don’t think and don’t cherry pick. Like
my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, I have to wonder: Were you born yesterday?”

Dawson, you’ve got to go over and over and over my book, otherwise you’ll never get it. The
reality is that the book goes far beyond just getting dates. Like my cousin Brother Love down
in Watts says, “If you heed the Word, you will get to the Promised Land.”

Remember, guys: If she needs to flirt with someone else, you don’t want to be her boyfriend.

Doc Love: Her Ex Obsessions

Hey Doc,

I’ve been reading your columns quite regularly and I love your work. I have a question that I
don’t believe you’ve ever addressed.

I’ve been dating Renata for several months now. We’ve generally had a good relationship all
that time. I’m in love with her, so I hope you can shed some light on one problem area that
has been very perplexing.

Here it is: Renata keeps pictures of her past loves and flings -- they’re now just friends --
hanging on the walls of her apartment and, I’ve just discovered, hidden away as well. She
keeps these pictures up as if the guys are members of her family -- father, brother, cousin, etc.
I’ve not said anything to her about these mementos, but the truth is that they bother me
enormously. Do you think Renata should destroy them? Am I within proper bounds to ask her
to do so?

a haunting past
Here’s another part of the problem: Renata’s male friends also make suggestive comments to
her, and sometimes call her drunk late at night. Does that seem right to you?

Doc, should I feel bothered by this? Do these things mean anything? I'm asking you -- no, I’m
begging you -- for some response. I really love Renata and don't want to ruin what we have.
Please help or point me to someone who might give me some insight and an outside view.

Ponce - who’s starting to lose it

doc love's answer

Hi Ponce,

Actually I have addressed your problem, but you haven’t been able to carry the principle over
from situation to situation in your own dating life. I might not have necessarily talked about
your situation in terms of “photos of exes on the walls” per se, but I have definitely addressed
any complaint you might have had with any woman at any time. You’re just not seeing it
right
now. Ponce, the best thing you can do is buy the Dating Dictionary -- then commit it to
memory.

You mention that you and Renata had a “generally” good relationship. What the heck does
that mean? “Generally” certainly doesn’t sound at all like “spectacular,” which is what your
relationship should have been all along. And the point is not whether you’re in love with
Renata, Ponce. The vastly more important question is whether Renata’s in love with you.
When you read my book you know that we never talk about male Interest Level. Now I know
for sure you haven’t memorized my materials.

picture perfect
OK, let’s talk about this gallery of men Renata keeps in her apartment. Like my cousin Sal
“The Fish” Love says, “Are you sure she has enough walls in her place for all those pictures?”
Not only that, but she’s got another stash hidden away. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from
East L.A. says, “Oh, so besides rubbing your face in all her past conquests, she’s also a
sneak!” Is that what you’re trying to say here? Hey, all these fellows probably are members of
her family -- did you ever think of that?

Her ex obsessions could mean the end of the relationship for Ponce...

No, you shouldn’t have said anything to Renata about all her mementos and souvenirs.
However, it should bother you enormously that she maintains a shrine to all the other men in
her life.

Do I think Renata should destroy all these pictures? Yes -- but the problem is that she loves
these guys more than she loves you, my friend. No, you’re not within proper bounds in telling
her to destroy them. Ninety percent of all guys would order her to do just that, of course, and
she’d accuse them of being jealous and possessive. I can just hear her now: “Oh, don’t be
silly! They’re just old boyfriends and it’s all over and you know that I love you.” In other
words, you’d be hearing the Womanese canned pitch of the year!

drunk dial = dump her

To boot, all of Renata’s exes add a little something to their photos -- they call her up drunk in
the middle of the night and make lewd comments. Like my Uncle Jethro Love would say,
“The girls always get prettier at closing time!”

No, this behavior of hers doesn’t seem right to me at all -- but Renata allows it. She doesn’t
say to her old beaus, “Please don’t call me when you’re drunk. In fact, please don’t call me at
all because I’m in love with Ponce. Thank you.” No, those words will never come out of her
fat, beautiful, bee-stung lips. What does that tell you, man? Think about it.

she's in love with her past not you

Should you feel bothered by what’s going on at Renata’s apartment? Like my cousin Brother
Love down in Watts says, “Well, only if you’re into monogamy, dawg!” So yes, these things
mean a ton; and what they mean is that your girlfriend is in love with her past and not you,
who happens to be in her present.

I know that you don’t want to ruin what you have with Renata, Ponce, but I’ve got news for
you: You don’t have anything. That’s your problem. When you say “we,” what you really
mean is you and her -- and the entire National Football League.

I’m sorry to say there’s no one else who’s going to do you any good, Ponce. I’m the only
love doctor on the face of the planet who's helping you guys. Like the great Doctor Freud
once said, “The rest of these charlatans are handing you nothing but a bunch of half-truths,
which further compounds your misery.”

picture perfect ending

Here’s the solution to your dilemma, buddy: As soon as you walked into Renata’s apartment
the very first time and saw those 147 pictures up on the walls (excluding the other 300 that
she has hidden down in the vaults of the credit union) you should have said to her, “You
know, honey, the last girl I dropped had a wall like this.” And when she said, “Oh, yeah,”
you should have said ,“Yeah,” then turned and marched straight out of the house -- forever.
And you wouldn’t have had to worry about her calling you back because she doesn’t want to
give up her prized photo collection.

However, it’s too late to do anything now, Ponce. You didn’t walk out when you had the
chance. No, you let Renata get away with making a fool out of you.

Remember, guys: If she lives in the past with her exes, you will never have a chance with her
in the future.

Doc Love: She's Lukewarm

Hey Doc,

I’m having mixed feelings about Ingrid, who I’ve been interested in for the past few months. I
was wondering if you could help me. Here’s the story:

Ingrid and I used to work together, and after I got to know her we began talking more and
more. She has a friendly personality with everyone, and made a point of being very cordial to
me when I put out very little effort, since I’m usually on the reserved side. One day, she told
me that she wanted me to come along to a staff party with her, which I did, along with some
other people. We had a good time and I called her a few days later and we got together for
coffee. Later, I invited her to a small party I was having. She always stops by my apartment
and sometimes even ditches her friends to come by and see me. It felt like she was doing a lot
of work to get to know me, often sending me random text messages and coming over to my
place, where she’d sometimes stay past 2 a.m. talking.

Even though all these things seem like signs of interest, I didn’t want to jump the gun,
knowing that she has a lot of guy friends. I’ve noticed that when we talk she really keeps the
conversation focused on her. But I still enjoy her company, though, and have mentioned that I
would like for us to casually date.

she has issues

But Ingrid has lots of issues as a result of having a 4-year-old son whose father died
unexpectedly a couple of years ago. She’s only dated a couple of people since and not with
much success. She said that she was “semi-casually interested” in dating me, but I believe she
has insecurity issues as a result of all the things that have happened to her that have nothing to
do with me. She often brings the conversation back to old boyfriends and was almost shocked
when I informed her I never speak with anyone I used to date. So I believe Ingrid has many
unresolved issues and that she doesn’t want to get hurt.

Doc, what should I do?

Ivor - who wants to know how to get things moving

doc love’s answer

Hi Ivor,

When you tell me you have mixed feelings about Ingrid, what you’re really saying is that
she’s got mixed feelings about you. Know why? Because you’re picking up mixed signals
from her.

Let me just point out that by being on the reserved side, you’re naturally being a Challenge,
which is a good thing. On the other hand, going to the staff party with Ingrid and a bunch of
other people was a group date, which you should know by now, if you’ve read my material,
is a no-no. What you should have said to her was this: “I’m busy that night, but give me your
home phone number and we’ll make it some other time.”

Doc tells you what to do when she’s lukewarm…

here’s what you should’ve done…

Having coffee with a woman should be the first date. But you blew that, Ivor. You already
replaced what should have been your first date with a party. At that point you should have
gone out on a real date with Ingrid rather than just a coffee date and you should have tried to
kiss her. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “That way you would have found out if
she just wants to be your sister.”

Then you threw your little soiree -- another group date. And another mistake. Dude, you can’t
sell 10 people in a room -- you can only sell one. That’s why you don’t do group dates until
you get 10 or 12 dates in with a babe and she’s already your designated girlfriend.

she’s just your pal

Ingrid shouldn’t have had the right to drop by your apartment because, here again, she’s
coming off as nothing but a friend. You should be dating this girl, man. You’re not in the
dating mode with her; you’re just in the friendship or girlfriend mode with her. She shouldn’t
be ditching her friends to come and see you; she should be ditching them to go out on a date
with you where you’re kissing her at the end of the night. Sure, she’s doing a lot of work to
get to know you -- as a pal.

And you shouldn’t have let Ingrid hang around your place at two in the morning. You should
have thrown her out a lot sooner. She shouldn’t be hanging at your pad until after she’s your
girlfriend. Or better yet, until after she asks to be your girlfriend.

she’s not showing interest

I've got news for you, Ivor. All the things Ingrid has been doing aren’t necessarily signs of
interest. You don’t want to jump the gun with her? Like my cousin General Love says,
“Soldier, you’re not even in the same country where the gun is!”

You mean to tell me that Ingrid’s so interested in you that all she talks about is herself? Like
my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Yeah, that’s a real great buying signal!”
Ivor, I have to say that’s a new one on me. I’ve never heard of that one. Maybe we should call
Ripley’s Believe It Or Not!?

Nevertheless, you still want to casually date this self-centered beauty. Wait a minute here.
Dating is never “casual.” Those two words don’t go together -- ever.

When Ingrid says that she dated without much success before meeting you, it means in
Womanese that she went out with a bunch of turkeys and dropped them all. And she’s “semi-
casually” interested in you. What a statement. Wow, man -- could she be any less interested in
you?

Of course the bad things that happened to Ingrid don’t have anything to do with you. I’ve said
this a million times already, but I’ll repeat it one more time: The only thing that counts is her
Interest Level in you. Nothing else. And so far I don’t see her asking you out, I don’t see her
cooking dinner for you, and I don’t see her trying to kiss you. What does that tell you, Ivor?

So you don’t talk to anyone you used to date? Finally, you came out with something tough!
That was great, buddy. That is, of course, unless your exes cut off all communication with
you.

you’re a gal pal

How do you know Ingrid doesn’t want to get hurt? You’re not a psychiatrist. You don’t have
13 sheepskins hanging on your wall. So where did you come up with that idea? How about
she just has low Interest Level in you? Look at it this way: What do you think she’d do if
Colin Farrell wanted to take her out tonight? Do you think she’d be too emotionally
devastated to go out with him?

What should you do? You have to learn how to date, my friend. Because it’s obvious you
don’t know how. All you know how to do is be a gal pal.

Remember, guys: If you want to be successful in dating, you have to utilize “The System”
and not become her girlfriend.

Doc Love: Giving Up On Marriage

Hey Doc,

I’m 28 years old and I’ve been with Sandy, who’s 27, for seven years. When we met we were
both totally infatuated with each other. After five years of happiness, discounting the
occasional argument over household matters, we got married.

Shortly into the marriage I made a mistake and told Sandy I didn’t love her. We had gotten
into an argument and I felt a bit of the “spark” between us disappearing. I didn’t really mean
what I said, and I regret it now.

Afterward, Sandy seemed to keep finding attention from other guys. She would get involved
in conversations with some of my friends, or guys she knew in the past. At first I didn’t mind,
until one day when we were at my friend’s house and got into an argument. Sandy told me
she wanted me to leave. She also told me she was considering getting “romantic” with my
friend, if you catch my drift. (My friend wouldn’t have done it, by the way.)

This left me devastated. Afterward, she still talked to my friend, and once she sneaked out to
hang with him, which I found out through him. Given what she had said about getting
romantic with him, I kicked her out.
Since then our relationship has gone back and forth. I don’t want her talking to other guys,
and she thinks I should trust her and not question what she does. We have been separated for
three months, and until very recently she was still considering coming back.

I recently found out that Sandy went out with a guy she met on Facebook. She told me it was
totally innocent, that they’re just friends, and that she just wanted to talk to someone and have
fun. I don’t believe they have kissed, but I want to quash this and move on with our lives. She
is not communicating with me much anymore, and I’m sure her Interest Level is pretty low.
Part of me thinks I should just give up, but I know she still loves me, and she hasn’t been
fooling around with anyone else. Knowing that she’s hanging out with other guys hurts, and
I’d like to figure out a way to make her interested in “us” again.

Should I just accept the fact that she’s going to have some male friends and forgive her? How
can I get her back into this? I’ve invested seven years, and I don’t want to give up yet.

I literally just started reading your articles today, Doc. It’s funny how people flounder around
in relationships without any training, especially when it’s such a huge part of our lives! I’ll
definitely be purchasing your book. Thanks, and I hope you find time to reply.

Basil - who’s finding it rough going

doc love’s answer

Hi Basil,

Let me tell you something: If the American male would like a true aphrodisiac for his wife,
it’s doing household chores. If you’d been handling 60% of the chores or just 15 to 20
minutes a day of housework, you wouldn’t have had an occasional argument. And by the
way, when you say “occasional,” are you talking about twice a year, or twice a week?
Arguments lower Interest Level -- especially the woman’s. What you’re saying here, Basil is
actually a huge deal.

Can Basil save his marriage? Doc Love weighs in…

your first mistake

Pal, I don’t know what you were thinking when you blurted out that you didn’t love your
wife. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Other than commit adultery, you can’t do
anything worse to lower a woman’s Interest Level and hurt her feelings than tell her you
don’t love her.”

You felt the spark going, and notice that again you’re bringing up arguments. Apparently
your arguments with your wife weren’t all that occasional. To you Psych majors, arguments
are
like water on a fire, so when you argue, the spark will disappear.

Of course Sandy finds attention from other guys -- because you are out. You just told her you
didn’t love her, so what would you expect? She’s going to find attention from someone else.
That’s what women do. Once their Interest Level drops from 65% to 55%, they start looking
around. Like the old cowboy saying goes, “They’re not going to go it alone.”

you keep fighting

Then you were at your friend’s house and got into yet another argument. Basil, are you sure
you know what the word “occasional” means? I get your drift about what Sandy was up to,
and the drift is this: You’re finished. With that fight, Sandy’s Interest Level went from 51% to
49%. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, you’re dead in the love department with this
woman, married or not.”

You swear, however, that your friend wouldn’t have gotten romantic with your wife. Want to
bet a million bucks on it, pal? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “I’ll give
you 10 to 1 odds she’s at his place right now!” He’s talking to her, isn’t he? He’s going along
with all this sneaking around, right? Some friend! Like my cousin General Love says,
“Soldier, your friend is a traitor!”

her interest level is low

So you ended up kicking out a woman who doesn’t like you. You didn’t kick out one with
95% Interest Level, you kicked one out with 45% Interest Level. Oh, you’re so strong, tough
guy!

The reason your relationship has gone back and forth, Basil, is because that’s what women do
when they have an Interest Level of 40% to 49%. They go back and forth and back and forth
and they finally dump you at 39% -- unlike the male, who gets out at 49%.

You have no right to question what Sandy does because she doesn’t dig you anymore on a
romantic level. But you believe that she’s considering coming back. Like my cousin Brother
Love down in Watts says, “Dawg, I hope you don’t never toss the dice in Vegas, because
you’re going to get cleaned out!”

Sandy may have gone out with a guy from Facebook, but it’s a non-issue. Of course she’s
going to go out. All you should be thinking about is how her Interest Level was 95% at one
time and now it’s only 45%. None of this other stuff -- her sneaking around and talking to
other guys -- matters in the least at this point. Once a woman’s Interest Level drops from 51%
to 49%, you’re ancient history, even if she stops by your place once in awhile.

she’s seeing other guys

You still insist that her date was innocent. Uh, yeah, and I got some swampland down in
Georgia that I want to sell you. Basil, I don’t care if they kissed or not. She’s out in the
company of another male -- don’t you get it?

Ah, but she still loves you, you insist. You guys kill me. You’ll do anything to protect your
EGO, and that’s all you’re doing here. Your wife goes out with other men, she’s trying to
make out with your best friend, and you’re telling me that she loves you. Dude, everything
she does says the opposite. And just to clear something up, she hasn’t been fooling with
anyone else that you know of. Did you hire a cameraman to follow her around 24 hours a
day like Donald Trump would?

You can’t make Sandy interested in you because this thing is dead. You had your chance to
save the marriage when Sandy’s Interest Level went from 95% to 85%. That’s when you
should have done something, man. But as I say in the Dating Dictionary, the man is always
the last to know.

don’t forgive her

I wouldn’t forgive Sandy if I were you. Heck, I wouldn’t even think about her. If I were you,
I’d be thinking about how to find a good divorce lawyer and get yourself out of this mess.
Then I’d memorize my materials and find out why this woman fell out of love with you, so
the next woman you find doesn’t fall out of love with you.

You can’t get Sandy back into it, Basil. It’s done. You know the old sayings “Don’t cry over
spilt milk,” and “The horse is out of the barn so there’s no use closing the door?” That’s
where you are, my friend.

It’s not what you invested in the relationship that’s important -- it’s what the woman’s Interest
Level is. You should have started reading my materials three years ago.

You’re absolutely right about the need for training in how to deal with relationships. Basil,
there’s hope for you! You do have brains!

Remember, guys: Don’t ever tell a girl you don’t love her anymore.

Moving A Relationship Forward

Hi Doc,

I’ve been reading your articles for a couple of years now and I really enjoy all of your advice.
I haven’t bought “The System” yet, and thus I’m far from mastering it.
I’ve been dating Jaymie for a couple of months now. I met her online, we chatted for a while
and after a couple of weeks decided to meet up. We went to a comedy club, had a couple of
drinks afterward, and then I drove her home and gave her a kiss goodnight. She initiated it, as
I was about to move in, which I took as a good sign. I let her initiate physical contact 50% of
the time, by the way. If I ever can’t reach her by phone I leave a short message and wait for
her to call back (I never phone again after leaving a message), and she always gets back to
me the same day.

we get along great

We’ve been on at least 10 dates now, one of which was her staff Christmas party. In front of
her coworkers she was not shy at all about public displays of affection, and even after they all
started whooping when they caught us kissing she wasn’t embarrassed, or at least she didn’t
show it. We get along great, and always keep the conversation very light, which actually
brings me to my reason for writing to you.

After two months of dating, Jamie has never brought up anything about getting into a
relationship. I enjoy the fact that she’s not the type of girl who needs constant reassurance,
but at the same time I do wonder why she hasn’t brought it up. Every girl I have been with in
the past had initiated that conversation well within two months. She’s always making
references to the future, like “we should do this sometime” or “the next time you come over I
want to show you this,” which is definitely a good sign, but still very indirect.

should i bring it up?

I’ve never dated a girl where our relationship progressed this slowly and it’s throwing me for
a loop. Is there any point where I should step up and talk to her about moving our relationship
forward? It seems like a very anti-Challenge thing to do. I should also point out that I’m
generally a pretty quiet guy, and flirting definitely isn’t my strong point, so I haven’t been
very forward in that department. Should I maybe step it up a bit to try and move things
forward without doing something wussy like asking her if she wants to be in a committed
relationship? What’s my next move?

Horace - who’s definitely not on the fast track

doc love’s answer

Hi Horace,

Let me ask you a question: How can you read my articles for two years, get all kinds of help
from them, and not actually go out and get hold of the key to the kingdom? That’s what I
don’t understand, pal. It’s doubly baffling because so much more is available in the Dating
Dictionary and everything else you’ve learned from me works. You’ve seen that it works.
Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “It’s like you’re gettin’ a car for free, but you don’t wanna
pay for the transmission!”

Doc Love sets Horace straight on moving a relationship forward…

let her initiate contact

So you gave Jaymie a smooch good night and she was the one moving in on you. Fantastic,
Horace. So far, so good. You shouldn’t let her initiate physical contact half the time, however
-- it’s got to be 100% of the time, guy. You’d know that if you had my book. And you
shouldn’t be leaving any phone messages for her either. Luckily for you, Jaymie’s the rare
girl who returns calls, which shows that she has high Interest Level -- at least to this point. So
far, buddy, it sounds like you’re doing most things right.

There are a few reasons why this woman hasn’t brought up getting into a serious relationship
with you. It’s possible that she just feels comfortable with the way things are. Or, like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Maybe she wants to fool around with another guy on the
side.” Or maybe -- and this is the worst-case scenario -- her Interest Level is not in the 90s.
Because if her Interest Level was up in the 90s, she’d be asking you all kinds of questions
about the relationship.

you’re not moving forward because…

However, Jaymie’s not bringing this issue up at all because you’re missing some of the
concepts and rules of the Dating Dictionary. And you certainly didn’t use these principles
during the 10 dates you had with Jaymie. And that’s why her Interest Level isn’t in the 90s.
Otherwise she’d want to know where this relationship is going, whether you’re seeing
anybody else, and she’d be telIing you that she’d like to be your girlfriend, etc. She’d be
pressuring you, but she has to have an incentive to do those things, and that incentive is 90%
Interest Level.

referencing the future is good

That said, making references to the future is a great sign. To you Psych majors, whenever a
girl talks about the future with a guy, it means that the guy is going to be around in the future.

I know you’re being thrown for a loop by this woman’s cool, Horace, but maybe she’s a
classy broad and you just don’t know it. She might be the ultra-rare type who knows how to
contain herself. If she’s kissing you good night, returning your phone calls, showing up for
dates, and always having a good time when she’s with you, you just have to relax and tell
yourself, “This one’s going to take a little longer.” But again, since you don’t have my book,
you can’t possibly be on top of your game and you can’t see clearly what’s really going on.
And that’s the danger here. Like my cousin General Love says, “Being on the battlefield
without all of your weapons means you’re not prepared for war, soldier!”
never beg!
You should not be talking to Jaymie about moving anything forward, my friend. Begging
never raises Interest Level. It sure is an anti-Challenge thing to do! Again, you’d know this if
you’d read and memorized my book.

Don’t force yourself to flirt with this babe, Horace. You’re doing fine with her without
forcing the action. Just keep showing her a good time, and always remember to show her
manners and class. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A, says, “Amigo,
whatever you do, don’t go asking her anything!” Just take it easy, keep doing what you’re
doing, and this girl will eventually ask you “Where’s this thing going?”

Your next move? Invest in your future by getting my book. Think of it as a premium
insurance policy.

Remember, guys: If you do 80% of everything right, she’s going to have 80% Interest Level.

She Avoids Your Kiss

Hey Doc,

I’m a Doc Love Club member, I have all your books, and I regularly listen to your radio
show. I must say that I consider you a modern-day prophet here to save MANkind. The
result of not listening to your warning of MANkind’s impending doom is a world overrun by
Feministas with little or no respect, or love, for men. Not a good prospect! Like all prophets
who are bad-mouthed by the very people who need to be saved, some guys are bound to
dislike you and your message. But Doc, some of MANkind are listening and changing their
ways. I’m one of them. What better relationship strategy could there be than establishing and
maintaining mutual respect, being a gentleman, looking for a lady with high interest and
flexibility, and then never taking each other for granted?

i tested her interest

Anyway, on to my issue: I’ve had seven dates with Victoria. On the fifth date, she dropped a
subtle hint about visiting the botanical garden. Well, as a student of “The System,” I like to
think I listened and heard her. I surprised her by taking her to the botanical garden on our next
date. Although she loved the surprise, it was on this date that I became slightly perplexed.
When I picked her up, she seemed really quiet. I decided not to react and was quiet too. Even
though we shared some brief conversation and laughter during the date, I felt something was
not right. I felt compelled to test her interest. Three-quarters into the date, we were standing
close to each other, we made eye contact, and I decided to go in for a kiss. I know it was a
lack of Self-Control to not wait until the end of the date, but I wasn’t thinking straight.
Anyway, she avoided my kiss and instead rested her head on my shoulder. Afterward, I
withdrew by not getting physically close or saying much. I was polite and made brief
responses to her comments.

After the date I took Victoria home. On the way, she opened up. She said that she knows she
can be unusually quiet at times, but when she’s like that it means she’s comfortable and
happy. She laughingly said that even though she can be quiet, I can be even more quiet. She
then asked if my silence means I don’t like her. I do like her, but rather than answer her
question directly, I asked if when she’s quiet does that mean she doesn’t like me. She quickly
responded with “No!”

she kissed me
When I walked Victoria to her door, she stopped, put her arms around my neck, and gave me
the best kiss I ever got from a woman. I told her I had a fun time and she assured me she had
a nice time too.

The next date went well and she displayed the typical signs of interest (touching, laughter, a
kiss good night, etc.). We’ve arranged for another date in a couple of days. I can’t help but
wonder, though, why she avoided my kiss if she’s interested in me. Is it a red flag? If it was
nothing and I should forget it, I’d still like to know the possible reasons so that I can act with
better understanding in the future. Thanks for your insight into the female mind, Doc.

Archibald - who’s simply reflecting on Pussycat’s past behavior

doc love’s answer

Hi Archibald,

Before we get into your question, let me straighten you out on something. Feministas have
absolutely no respect for men, so to use the word “little” here is ridiculous. And you sure said
a mouthful when you pointed out that I’m sometimes badmouthed by the very people who
need salvation, pal. Lots of guys want to hang the messenger, and the messenger is me.

Now, let’s look at your situation: Instead of rushing straight out to the botanical garden, you
should have taken Victoria on another date first and acquiesced to her wish later. Doing it that
way would have had an even more profound effect on her. Because then she would have been
thinking, “Gee, I told this guy I wanted to go to the botanical garden, and instead of taking me
there, he takes me someplace else! I wonder what’s going on?” While she was puzzling that
out, her Interest Level would have been on the rise because you were being less predictable
and more mysterious.

More on what to do when she avoids your kiss...

there’s a problem if she’s quiet
Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “I don’t like it when a woman gets
quiet, because I can’t trust her.” It usually indicates that her Interest Level is not as high as it
should be. And guy, when you copied her behavior, you did react to her. So you’re
contradicting yourself. And by the way, instead of impersonating a clam, you should have
been the funny clown. You might own all my books, but you haven’t memorized them.

You’re on target when you say that something wasn’t right about the situation. What happens
when you finally have all of my materials down is that your intuition will sense the date
environment. When the woman isn’t talking, it might mean she’s not in the best mood, or
she’s had a particularly rough day, or -- worst-case scenario, but most likely possibility -- she
has low Interest Level like I said earlier. When a babe is quiet, especially in the early stages
of dating, you have a problem. I’ve never found that being quiet was a positive.

here’s your mistake…

Going in for the kiss when she was in a funky mood was a huge mistake. I told you what to
do, Archie, and you broke the rules. Of course you weren’t thinking straight -- you were
thrown off by the fact that this babe wasn’t talking. So what did you do?
You bastardized “The System.”

And here’s where the problem gets more complicated. Victoria turned you down for a kiss,
but you kissed her at the wrong time. And once you break the rules of “The System,” it’s
hard to gauge what’s really going on with the woman’s Interest Level. To boot, you reacted
to her quietness by changing your entire personality, and you didn’t make her laugh.

What you should have said when she said being quiet means she’s happy was, “Oh, I get it
now.” However, you don’t believe her or disbelieve her. To you Psych majors, you look for a
pattern in the future.

what did she mean?

What did Victoria mean by, “You can be even more quiet than me?” I don’t like this at all.
Like my cousin Sal “The Fish Love says, “I smell a rat here.” Talk about Womanese --
Victoria’s the one who was being silent, and then she turns around and attacks you for being
quiet.

your mistake no. 2

It was another big boo-boo when you asked if Victoria didn’t like you. Why in the world are
you talking about her Interest Level? I tell you guys to keep it light and funny and no heavy
subjects, then you go and get embroiled in a heavy contest of trying to outflank each other on
the subject of what “quiet” really means. This mess wouldn’t have happened if you’d kept it
funny and light like you were supposed to and not tried to kiss her at the wrong time.

Getting that great kiss from her was the one positive thing that happened. And hopefully this
distant mood of hers was just a passing thing. Maybe it’s her nature; with time you’ll find out.
By the way, Victoria should have told you first that she had a good time on that date. And you
didn’t have a fun time, dude -- you lied.

things ended ok
The way it ended, things seemed to be OK, but again, Archie, just make sure you don’t forget
what happened and keep your eyes peeled for a pattern.

In the end, there could a thousand reasons why Victoria refused your kiss. One, for instance,
might be that you tried to smooch her in a public place. But don’t ask why she didn’t kiss you
-- ask yourself why you didn’t go by the book.

What happened is not a red flag, because you went against my principles. You did something
wrong, then she did something wrong, so there can’t be a red flag. Like the great Doctor
Freud once said, “A red flag is when you do everything right and SHE does something
wrong.”

In the future follow my guidelines strictly and stop cherry-picking.

Remember, guys: If you don’t go by the rules, you can’t judge her Interest Level.

Doc Love: Dealing With Moody Women

Hey Doc,

I’m currently pursuing the very attractive Candace. The problem is that her behavior is
very erratic. Some days she’s very talkative, other days she’s a complete bitch. Before you
write this off as the typical “moodiness of women” BS, please hear me out.

On account of my personality, I don’t like to see my female friends hurt. It’s like a fatherly
instinct I have. Whenever Candace is in a bad mood or she’s emotionally hurt, she comes to
me. At that time I have complete control over her; it’s as if she hangs on every word I say.
For instance, if I said that smoking crack would solve her issue, she’d do it. During these
conversations she confides very personal information to me, but after I solve her problem, it’s
as if she's dropped off the face of the earth until the next time she needs me.

a good time to ask her out

I would love to go out with Candace, but I feel that the only time I have the opportunity to
talk to her is when she’s in a weakened emotional state and that’s the wrong time to ask for a
date. If I were to ask her out when she’s in a bad way, I feel like I would only be a “rebound
man” -- basically like the sixth man on the bench.

What should I do about Candace? Any ideas you have would be greatly appreciated.

Percy - who feels like her psychiatrist

doc love’s answer

Hi Percy,

Before we discuss the specifics of your situation, let me ask you a question. Let’s assume that
you want to be with a woman for 40 years and you want to be comfortable with her. That’s
what every normal guy wants, right? Then I see that you use the word “erratic” in relation to
the female you’re interested in. How do you figure that an ugly term like “erratic” fits in any
way with the notion of “comfort?”

she’s a bitch
So, Candace is a complete bitch, is she? Oh, this is someone who’ll make a really great
partner over the long haul, Percy. Fantastic! Good for you! Like my cousin Sal “The Fish”
Love says, “Sounds like you’ve got the right one there, paisan.” I’m not going to say
anything at all about the moodiness of women, pal. And I’ll listen patiently to all of your
rationalizations, but like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, you’re already dead in the
water.”

More of Doc Love’s advice on dealing with moody women…

When you say you don’t want to see your female friends hurt, it’s not the truth. What you
really want is to take care of somebody you’re chasing after. So in order to rationalize her
whacked-out behavior, you’re going to tell me that you hate to see your delicate lady
friends damaged. Get rid of your fatherly instincts, Percy -- the sooner the better. Or like my
cousin Brother Love down in Watts says. “Yo, dawg, stop tryin’ to be her daddy.”

this isn’t healthy

It’s really wonderful that Candace comes to you when she’s all messed up emotionally. In
other words, you don’t ever see her when she’s up and positive and fun -- you just see her
when she’s down in the dumps! Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Oh,
now I get it -- this is a perfectly healthy relationship!”

I’m sure Candace hangs on your every word when she’s a complete basket case. And I’m sure
she’d jump off the George Washington Bridge if you told her to, but so what, dude? Like the
great Doctor Freud once said, “OK, so you’ve got a loon mesmerized -- so what?” Wow --
she’d listen to you when you tell her to smoke crack? She sounds like a very intelligent girl,
Percy.

you’ll never have fun together

This weird pattern of pretending not to know you until she needs you again tells me that
Candace only comes to you when she’s in a very depressed state, and when she wants
someone to tell her what to do and to dominate her. However, after an hour and a half of
conversation, she takes off to have a blast with the friends she really likes to have fun with.
As far as having fun with you, you can forget it. It will never happen.

Nevertheless, you insist that you’d love to go out with Candace. Why? Why in the world
would you love to be with somebody who’s a head case, someone who’s bound to make your
life miserable? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Where are you coming from, my son?”

you’ve never read "the system"

The more I think about your letter, the more I realize that this would actually be a positive fit
for both of you. Percy, I’ve been coaching men a long time, and I’ve heard many, many
rationalizations concocted by men and their egos, but I have to say that yours takes the cake!
Now I know for sure that you haven’t memorized my materials. You may not have even seen
them, let alone read them.

What should you do about Candace? Tell her to do two things: one, forget your name; two,
forget your phone number.

You shouldn’t be feeling like Candace’s psychiatrist, pal -- I think you need her psychiatrist!
Heck, you need the great Doctor Freud himself if you insist on pursuing a girl who should
have a big “T” -- for trouble -- tattooed on her forehead.

Remember, guys: Once you realize you have a crazy on your hands, don’t rationalize -- get
yourself out of there.

Doc Love: Starting To Date

Hey Doc,

I’ve been having some romance problems to say the least, and after soliciting close friends
and forums like this for advice, I haven’t been able to find the kind of help I need.
I’m a 22-year-old guy of Indian descent. Growing up, I was the overweight nerdy kid. I’ve
lost most of the weight and now consider myself more or less happy with how I look. After
drinking way too much and smoking pot to relieve my emotional distress, I went to rehab to
get some stuff straight and reassess my life’s goals. I also recently figured out I have some
conditions like hyperactivity and attention deficit disorder. Further, my family is super-Indian
and eccentric, and we never meshed with the wealthy suburbanites in the area where we live.

starting to date deadline

My problem is that I’ve never had any experience whatsoever with women. I’ve never gone
on a date -- not even a blind date -- EVER. I have kissed girls here and there when I’ve been
very drunk, but that’s about it. I am very happy with the rest of my life except for this one,
huge, unavoidable area. Having been fat and rejected for 90% of my life, I have no idea how
to make that first step with a woman or how to play it cool while also being “honest” in that
I’ve never had a girlfriend or even been on a date. I realize it’s now or never. And if not now,
then when?

So I need your advice. What should I do in general? I work out nearly every day and have a
pretty good physique. I catch girls looking at me, checking out my arms and abs. I am a nice
guy and I project that quality, but I still don’t know what to do.

There are lots of pretty girls where I’m going to college, but I don’t have the first clue how to
get one on a date. Please help me with my starting to date dilemma.

Quinton - who’s truly desperate

doc love’s answer

Hi Quinton,

Of course you haven’t found effective help yet, pal; you haven’t come to me until now. Your
friends and the other love doctors out there don’t know how to coach you; that’s not their
business. Never fear -- when you came to me with your starting to date woes, you came to the
best.

starting to date at 22
First of all, Quinton, you’re not 22 years old. You’re 22 years young. You’re just a baby, and
that’s a good thing. Lots of people I know would love to trade ages with you -- including me.

Starting to date is tough business, but Doc Love has the answers that Quinton needs…

I’m glad you shed most of that excess blubber you were carrying around. Like my cousin Fast
Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Now, go on and lose the rest of it.” I’m sorry to say that
most fatsos gain it back, so you have to be vigilant. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says,
“You can live without that second cannoli, paisan.”

It’s great that you went into rehab, Quinton, because it shows that you’re trying to improve
yourself. And improving yourself is what it’s all about. For your hyperactivity and A.D.D.,
get yourself a good doctor with a sheepskin on the wall and make sure that she takes good
care of you. Because with all the medical progress that’s been made, conditions like yours
don’t have to be hopeless.

Despite all this, we’re still going to make you into a lover boy -- as long as you do and say
everything exactly as I tell you. As far as your family’s eccentricities are concerned, don’t let
them hold you back, dude. Your family’s weirdness is not your fault. All you have to do is
learn to smile at people.

a clean dating slate

Actually, Quinton, it’s great that you’ve had no experience whatsoever with women. It means
you’re not coming to me with a bunch of garbage in your head that I’m going to have to clean
out. You’re starting off fresh, which is wonderful because it means you don’t have all kinds
of preconceived notions like most of the guys who come to me.

Quinton, once you internalize “The System” you’re not going to have to get bombed anymore
to kiss a girl. I’m going to give you a game plan to get you out of this mess.

close the vault

Nobody has to know about anything negative that’s ever happened in your past, including
your boozing and pot-smoking and being overweight. Why? Because you’re never going to
bring it up -- ever. It’s going to be your secret and my secret. And that is called being closed;
it’s the opposite of being open, which is what all those other incompetent love doctors want
you to be. To you Psych majors, this is not a matter of honesty, it’s a matter of privacy and
whatever you did is nobody’s business but your own. And you’re not going to open your
mouth about your weaknesses and vulnerabilities because they are not going to get you any
empathy or sympathy, and most importantly they’re never going to raise Interest Level.

Doc Love didn’t write his dating manifesto to sit and gather dust…

“Now or never” is way too much pressure to put on yourself, buddy. You’re only 22,
Quinton, and you’ve got a lifetime ahead of you. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “If
you were 62, you’d have a problem.” At your age, Quinton, you’re OK.

baby steps with a book

So here’s the first thing you have to do: You have to get my materials and memorize them.
Your answer for what to do about your impasse is the Dating Dictionary. You have to reach
the point where you just look at a chapter title in my book to know exactly what’s there --
even if you close the book. In other words, you have to be mentally prepared before you go
out there. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Son, you’ve got to have a substantial plan in
place before you can do anything at all when it comes to women.”

When babes check out your arms and abs, just smile at them. And if they’re standing close,
here’s what you say: “Hi. What’s your name?” Then paste a bigger smile on your lips. That’s
going to be your second step.

I don’t know how you reached the conclusion that girls know you’re a nice guy just by
pumping iron. You probably are a nice guy and you sound like a nice guy, but just by having
someone look at you while you’re curling 40 pounds on each arm, how can you possibly
know what you’re projecting? Did you interview these women after you got through working
out? If not, then you don’t know what you’re projecting, Quinton. So, you have this idea and
maybe a few other ideas in your brain that have to be flushed out, which will happen
naturally when you commit my principles to memory.

dating is a big dance too

Here’s something else I want you to do. Start taking ballroom dancing lessons. When you do,
you’ll be interacting with lots of different women. You’re not going to come on to them, but
after all this dancing you’ll begin to feel comfortable with them, you’ll be kidding with them,
and eventually you’ll ask them if they have a girlfriend for you. However, that will come
later. Quinton, I want you to become such a great dancer that you can actually enter contests.

Remember, guys: Unless you’re prepared, you can’t go to war.

Doc Love: Playing Hard To Get

Hey Doc,

I’m in pain. I’ve been dating Priscilla for a year. I met her when she was about to get a
divorce and I was the one who awakened her to her need to be treated better. I kept my
distance early, as she was now single again and I wanted to be sure not to be the rebound guy
-- but the passion was heavy. Unfortunately, I once did something that reminded her of her ex
and she pulled away. So, I let the leash out a bit, but never doubted her interest in me.

Then I learned she was dating another guy, even though she kissed me as passionately as
ever. Scared of losing her, I put on a full-court press to proclaim my love and order her to
ditch guy No. 2, which she did. Promises of trust flew back and forth between us. She gave
me the key
to her pad, and overnight we went from seeing each other once every three weeks to 12 days
in a row.

trouble playing hard to get

By day 12, she said I changed -- I was apparently too attentive and nice and caring. She liked
the old confident, distant and cool guy and demanded her key back. She actually told me to
play hard to get. This was from a girl who told me she was tired of dating (I never really
knew she was dating) and that all she could do was think of me and that she missed me so
much it hurt.

So, I ignored Priscilla for several days; when she called on the phone, I answered and when
she e-mailed, I responded. Then I called her -- but got no answer. It seems I have no idea what
playing hard to get is. It’s now been four days and I’m devastated. I fear that another guy (or
the guy she was dating when she dated me or even her ex-husband) is in the picture. I feel
betrayed that she never told me she was seriously dating someone else, even though I was
giving her the space she wanted.

I’m very confused about how to play it from here. I can’t call her again because I fear she is
dating around, but I fear that not calling may make her think I’m being too distant and that I
don’t care. Please help because I’m having trouble playing hard to get.

Greenie - who’s living in misery because he’s having trouble playing hard to get

doc love’s answer

Hi Greenie,

First of all, let me explain something to you: The reason you are in pain is because you did
something wrong. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “When you do things right in life, my
son, you don’t suffer -- at least not as much. It’s that simple.”

Now, here’s the problem with “awakening” Priscilla. When you counsel a woman and try and
fix her life, when you tell her how she should be feeling and acting, you’re not being her
boyfriend -- you’re playing at being her psychiatrist. Do you want a patient or a girlfriend?

playing in the nba

The only smart thing you did was keeping your distance from Priscilla at first so you
wouldn’t be seen as the rebound guy. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says,
“It showed you could think.” Then you went and did something that reminded her of her ex
and she pulled away. You don’t describe what it was, but it was obviously a big mistake. To
you Psych majors, when she pulls away, you’ve got huge problems.
When she’s playing hard to get, your best bet is to consult Doc Love…

So you worked Priscilla to a point where she was interested in you, but then she pulled back
and you were in pain again. As the old cowboy saying goes, “Dude, you have to do things that
make girls not want to run away.”

So Priscilla was dating another guy, huh? Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “So much
for your psychological counseling, right, pal?” You say she was kissing you passionately, but
like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Don’t forget that she was kissing the other guy
passionately too.”

women and ultimatums

I know you got Priscilla to ditch guy No. 2 -- temporarily -- but you have to remember that
ultimatums never work with women. Trying to force her to go along with this was a massive,
massive mistake on your part, Greenie. Sure, the woman will agree to it for a while, but down
deep, she’ll resent you. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dawg, you’re on
your way out.”

You should have been seeing this babe only once a week, Greenie. You don’t see anybody 12
days in a row, not even your shrink. What’s the matter with you? You were giving away the
store -- another blunder. Of course Priscilla was sick of you by day 12 -- she was so full of
you she could puke. As the old Chinese saying goes, “Grasshopper, when you down a gallon
of chocolate ice cream every night for a month, you never want to see chocolate again.” It’s
OK to be attentive and nice and caring to a woman, my friend, but you have to spread out the
occasions when you see her.

she told you what to do, moron

So, Priscilla wanted the old you and demanded her key back. In other words, she wanted a
guy who’s memorized “The System.” Isn’t that what she’s really saying here? It sure sounds
like it, man. She told you to play hard to get, didn’t she? This girl was practically begging you
to be a Challenge. She told you in no uncertain terms what’s going to turn her on and keep
her turned on, so what do you go and do? You screw up.

You didn’t know Priscilla was dating other guys, Greenie? Frankly, you don’t know anything
about this girl and you’re giving her all kinds of credit. Then again, she told you she missed
you so much it hurt. So what did you do? Rather than see her once and then disappear for four
or five days, you draped yourself all over her for two weeks straight. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

three-day dry spell

You finally did ignore Priscilla. Wow -- you held out for 72 whole hours! Like my cousin
General Love says, “What a tough guy you are!” Buddy, you should have let that phone ring
and returned her call two days later.

Your problem is not other guys. Your problem is you putting on a full-court press. If you
were doing things right, she wouldn’t be kissing other men passionately.

Hey, there’s a good chance that either or both of these two other guys are back in the picture,
though. Don’t worry about Priscilla seriously dating someone else, though -- she’s just having
fun with the other guys and making out with them.

The reason you can’t call her is because whenever you’re in contact with her you can’t stop
yourself from pressuring her. She tells you she wants you to play hard to get and you keep
making mistakes with the telephone and the computer. She wants you to be distant and
pretend you don’t care; don’t you get it, Greenie? She wants Challenge.

proactive means desperate

Ninety percent of you guys think that when you have a problem with a woman in a
relationship you have to be proactive. You concoct four or five desperate things that you’re
going to do to win her back, and when you do them the girl is going to come running back to
you. Nothing could be further from the truth. What never enters your mind is the simple act of
disappearing. Why? Because you have no self-control -- you’d know that if you memorized
and internalized my materials.

Remember, guys: Anytime you see a red flag, back off and make no contact -- period.

Doc Love: She Has A Boyfriend

Hey Doc,

Recently I met Marisol through my company’s salsa club. We were dance partners for our
company’s party performance recently and we get along fairly well. We had a few one-to-one
outings together because we needed to practice our dance moves. I wouldn’t consider them
dates exactly, but these practice sessions gave me some alone time with Marisol. We joked a
lot and I didn’t allow her to notice my Interest Level in her. In turn, I was trying to figure out
her Interest Level in me without being obvious about it.

Afterward I found out, through office gossip, that Marisol had a boyfriend. I wanted to give
up thinking about her after this, but recently it seems like she’s been paying a little more
attention to me and she walks over to wherever I’m sitting to talk with me. I usually keep
these in-office conversations short because I don’t like the setting at work for long, intimate
talks.

she's nice, but attached

So it seems to me that Marisol might have some interest in me, yet it’s still too hard to gauge.
One of my buddies told me that I should ask her out for dinner just to see if she’s interested,
and possibly available. From your teachings, that’s a big no-no, especially for someone with a
boyfriend. Am I right?

So which of the following should I do:

1. Give up?
2. Try to “attract” Marisol more so that she can ask me out first? (And how should I
do that?)
3. Dive in head-first by asking her to dinner?

Your help would be so great, as I’m contemplating all three options right now. Thanks a
bunch! You’re a man’s best friend!

Boo - who doesn’t know which way to go with this one

doc love's answer

Hi Boo,

What you should have been looking for when you had your alone time with Marisol was this:
Did she touch your arm? Did she tap your leg? Did she play with her hair? Did she ask you
personal questions? Were her eyes lit up? (Or, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says,
“Were her high beams on?”) These are what we call buying signals. The more, the better,
dude. They are the easiest ways to tell you where you stand with a babe.

It’s good that you didn’t let Marisol pick up on your Interest Level in her. You shouldn’t.
Because we don’t care at all about your Interest Level. All we care about is her Interest Level.
It’s the only thing that matters. This is one of the basic tenets of “The System,” which none of
the other love doctors ever talk about.

To you Psych majors, you have to be very, very careful about whatever gossip you hear. As
Judge Judy would put it, “It’s all hearsay.” And hopefully this gossip wasn’t the result of you
blabbing to your officemates about Marisol. If you merely overheard the gossip, it’s OK.
When it comes to gossip about women, you have to be a spy, pal. Like my cousin General
Love says, “Just pretend that you’re James Bond.”

Doc Love offers a few more tips on how to get her even if she has a boyfriend...
don't judge her by rumors
We don’t know exactly what it means that Marisol is paying more attention to you and
stopping by your desk to talk to you. It could be that she just likes you as a friend. That’s bad.
Or it might mean that her boyfriend’s on the way out -- if there is a boyfriend. Because, don’t
forget, Boo, you don’t really know for sure whether there’s a boyfriend lurking in the
background -- you just overheard some people talking. And if there is a boyfriend, you don’t
know the nature of their relationship. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “For
all you know, dawg, she’s been tryin’ to get rid of the chump for the past six months and he
keeps hangin’ around.”

It’s also very smart of you to keep your office chit-chats with Marisol to the minimum. Like
my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You never fool around where you make
your living.” Besides, she has a boyfriend, right?

get her number

Your buddy is partially right about asking Marisol out. However, what you should do first --
and this is something I repeat 60 times in the Dating Dictionary -- is ask for the home phone
number. Again, we don’t know what her feelings for this alleged boyfriend really are. Maybe
they’re only 40% to 49% and he’s on his way out. Which, if you play your cards right, leaves
the field open for you.

So let’s look at your alternatives:

1. You’re not going to give up on this woman. The first thing you’re going to do is ask
for her home phone number.
2. You’re not going to try and coax Marisol into asking you out. You’re going to finish
this thing with her. And the only way to do it properly is to follow my rules. In
other words, ask for her home phone number.
3. You are going to ask Marisol out for dinner. However, you’re going to do it after you
get her home phone number and wait a week to call her. Then you’re going to call her
and ask her out.

So all three of your ideas about what to do are wrong, Boo.

you'll learn with my help

Here’s your course of action: You’re going to ask for Marisol’s home phone number the next
time you see her alone. It’s imperative that you get her alone, even if it’s at the office. Wait
until you bump into her in the corridor or everyone else has gone home and it’s only the two
of you left in the office.

Thanks very much for the compliment, guy. My mission is to be the best friend of men.
However, I have to tell you again that your three ideas for what to do with Marisol are
erroneous, which demonstrates that you have not fully read and internalized my materials.

Remember, guys: It all starts with getting the home phone number.

Doc Love: Can A Relationship Survive War?

Hey Doc,

I’ve been reading your articles for quite a while to gain insight into a decision I have to make
in only a few short weeks. Let me explain.

Carrie and I have been together for 18 months. We met at a restaurant when I was attending a
military school and she was an au pair (a foreign nanny) expecting to return to her home
country of England. When we began our relationship, both of us thought it would be
temporary. I eventually moved to another state and she moved out of the country. Yet,
despite the distance, we grew closer, we are still in love, and we talk daily. I fly to see her as
often as I can, sometimes once a month.

jody’s got your girl

Here’s my problem. I recently discovered that I must soon deploy to Iraq and I am unsure
whether to continue our relationship. I am very much in love with Carrie and would do
anything for her. However, I am afraid that my assignment will destroy our relationship. My
friends who went to Iraq and Afghanistan had wives and girlfriends who cheated on them
when they deployed. I try not to be insecure about Carrie and other men, but I have to be
realistic: 15 months, with a one-month break in between when I can visit her on R&R is
tough for anyone to go without romance, if you get what I mean.

There are other chips stacked against me as well: My girlfriend is very attractive, she is young
(21) and she is at university, where it is easy to meet people. Finally, and most importantly,
she broke up with me once before after three months of not being together -- but she called
me back saying that “she wanted me back,” and we eventually got back together. She
explained that there was no infidelity, just that the distance was difficult. We have been
together ever since.

war felt in the heart

My question is this: Should I break off with Carrie (with the hope of possibly getting back
together sometime in the future) prior to going to war in order to avoid the pain we might
experience? Or should I tell her I want to continue our relationship and risk her cheating on
me? Can a relationship survive war? War is an extreme circumstance for any relationship to
endure. We are both in love and if I were in any other profession I would give my two weeks
notice at work, quit my job and wash dishes to be with her if I had to. Since I can’t, I am left
asking, “What should I do?”

Birdie - who wants to know: Can a relationship survive war?

doc love’s answer

Hi Birdie,

Before we even get started, I have to tell you that you’ve already made a huge mistake
because you haven’t memorized the Dating Dictionary. So, right out of the chute you’re
making errors unbeknownst to yourself.

the killing fields

Carrie expected to return to her home country? Not good. To you Psych majors, distance
kills relationships. As the Chinese saying goes, “Out of sight, out of mind, grasshopper.” So
you’re already dead twice.

Can a relationship survive war? Doc Love has the answer…

What do you mean that when you started you two thought your relationship would be
temporary? How do you know what’s going to happen? Can you predict the future? If you
spend time with a girl and you like her and she likes you, you’re going to fall in love. So,
making that erroneous assumption was mistake No. 3. You’ve already struck out and we
haven’t even started discussing your problem yet.

So, your girlfriend went back to England. Oh, that’s going to make things a lot easier,
Birdie. You two didn’t really grow closer together, man. It’s a contradiction in terms. I know
you’re in love with her, but we don’t know about her Interest Level in you. It’s certainly
interesting that you fly to see her, but how often does she fly to see you?

spineless soldier
You’re unsure whether to continue your relationship with this babe? That’s if you actually
have one. The fact that you’d do anything for her is the biggest mistake of your life, pal. A
man should never say something like that, especially to his girlfriend. You can do a lot for
her, but you should never do anything that would result in her disrespecting you. And above
all, you should never be with a woman who doesn’t have high Interest Level in you.

Sadly, your deployment to Iraq will probably destroy your relationship -- if it isn’t destroyed
already. So, your pals had women who cheated on them, huh? Like my cousin Fast Eddie
Love from East L.A. says, “It’s funny how Oprah never does a show on that topic.”
Of course it’s tough to go 15 months without romance. That’s the first sentence you’ve
written that makes any sense, my friend. Don’t worry; Carrie’s not going to meet people at
her university. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “She’s only going to meet horny,
lonely guys.”

crawling back from the foxhole

Now let me get this straight; you went back to a girl who broke up with you? Why, Birdie?
Now you’re going to be 10,000 miles away from this babe who’s 21 and looks like Keira
Knightly. And you want to know the odds of this thing being successful?

What happened when you and Carrie got back together was that she went out with 10 guys
and got bored with them. And you’ve been together with her in only your mind; you don’t
know what she’s really doing all the way over in England.

I notice that you say “we” -- meaning you and Carrie -- might experience pain over breaking
up again. Dude, you don’t know what Carrie’s Interest Level is. Odds are she’s with you only
to fill in her empty time. You’re just “filler” in this relationship. I know your Interest Level is
88%, but we’ve seen nothing whatsoever here to suggest she has anywhere near a positive
Interest Level in you. So, to get rid of a girl who has negative Interest Level is an oxymoron.

the frontlines of love

Here’s what you should do: Tell Carrie that you two are going to e-mail each other when
you’re in Iraq and you’re not going to visit her. And here’s the most important question
you’re going to ask her: When is she moving to America to be with you?

You’re not both in love, buddy. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Girls in love don’t
break up with you.” This is what your big fat ego doesn’t want to understand.

Still and all, you’d wash dishes to be with Carrie. Like my cousin Brother Love down in
Watts says, “Dawg, you’re too far gone.” Your Interest Level isn’t 88% -- it’s 100%. Like
my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, you’re in the danger zone and you haven’t even set
foot on the battlefield.” You might be reading my articles, but you haven’t memorized and
internalized my principles, otherwise you wouldn’t be asking such silly questions as, “What
should I do?”

in love and war

Birdie, I greatly appreciate what you’re doing for America by going out and defending her,
but when it comes to women, you get an F. You haven’t got a clue.

Remember, guys: Unless you can see her on a consistent basis, she will fool around.
Does Dating Have To Lead To A Relationship?

Hey Doc,

I’m new to your articles, but I’ve spent considerable time looking through them and
unfortunately I don’t know if the suggestions and advice in them would apply to my particular
scenario.

I’m 20, going to college, and I just moved into a new apartment about a month ago. While
moving in, my friends and I met the neighbor -- a hot, recently graduated nurse named Katie.
We finished moving my stuff in and we all hung out at her apartment until very late. Long
story short, my friends were leaving and she was holding my belt loop to keep me there. We
ended up being romantic. It was so great that we wound up making out for half the night. We
both said we didn’t want a steady relationship and agreed to a “friends with benefits”
relationship, the only caveat being that if one of us hooked up with someone else, we’d have
to tell each other.

timecard to a relationship
Well, it’s been about a month, and we’ve gotten together about four days a week since that
first night. Now that I’ve gotten to know Katie better, I’m finding myself more and more
attracted to her, even though I swore off relationships until after college to focus on my
studies. The two of us have very different personalities in some regards (music, politics), but
very much the same in others (very loyal to friends, very into cuddling, food, movies, etc.). I
think that we have enough to start a real relationship on.

does dating = a relationship?

I want to know what I could do to pull something permanent out of this without risking the
“relationship” we have now. How can I drive this woman wild with love? I’m sure that if I
openly state my feelings I’ll never see her again, and yet I want to call her my own. Does
dating have to lead to a relationship? Please help!

Ravi - who doesn’t want to blow a good thing and wonders: Does dating have to lead to a
relationship?

doc love’s answer

Hi Ravi,

Of course my suggestions and advice apply to your particular scenario. They apply to every
scenario when it comes to dating and relationships. However, you also need to get hold of and
memorize my Dating Dictionary, which complements and reinforces my columns.

when planets align

Hanging out at Katie’s apartment with all of your buddies as soon as you met her was a
blunder. For starters, it was a variation of a group date, which you’d know is an absolute no-
no if you had read my book. Second, you spent way too much time with Katie. Third, this girl
is your neighbor, so she’s not going anywhere. That’s three strikes. Looks like you struck out
on the very first night and you don’t even know it!

Doc Love on Ravi’s question: Does dating have to lead to a relationship?

When Katie was tugging on your belt loop, you should have turned to her and said, “What’s
your home phone number?” And once you got it, you should have gotten out of there.

You didn’t, though. You not only hung around too long the first night, but you went and saw
her all the time without taking a break. As usual, 90% of you guys come on too fast, too
strong and too heavy.

crazy contracts
So, you have a “friends with benefits” relationship with Katie? Like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says, “What the heck is that supposed to mean? Does that mean she wants to keep
her options open? Or that she’s got two other boyfriends on the side?”

And why in the world would you get yourself locked into a contract with this girl, Ravi? To
you Psych majors: There should never be any type of definition of what the nature of the
relationship is or is going to be in the future. Why would you want to limit your possibilities?
More importantly, you should have Katie wondering what the relationship is. Like my cousin
Brother Love down in Watts says, “So, right there you blew the entire concept of Challenge,
dawg.” And by the way, Ravi, if you hooked up with someone else or Katie hooked up with
someone else and then you had to tell each other, what would that prove?

You see Katie four days a week? You mean that’s all? Why not seven? Why not move
straight into her place? Dude, you’re seeing this girl way too much. And now you’re finding
yourself even more attracted to her. So now you’re going against the contract you set up.
Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You got any clue what you’re doing,
pal?”

time to cut the cord

You might have enough to start something permanent with Katie, but you can’t let it develop
because you’ve already tied yourself down verbally to one kind of relationship. You’ve
made a ridiculous contract with a complete stranger about what your feelings are going to be
over
the long haul. How stupid is that?

Here’s what you need to do: See Katie less. You have to cut your togetherness down to twice
a week. If she starts chasing you because you’re not seeing her enough, you could then turn
this into the proper kind of relationship.

The only way you can drive this woman wild with love is by disappearing, my friend, but I
have to question whether you have it in you. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “After all, my
son, look at the utter lack of Self-Control you’ve exhibited so far.”

turning the tables

No, Ravi, you’re not thinking of reigning yourself in; you’re thinking about the exact
opposite. You’re actually contemplating “openly stating your feelings.” If you’re even
thinking of pulling an Oprah and spilling your guts to this babe, I have to wonder how many
of my articles you actually did read! Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, displaying
any kind of weakness on the battlefield is an invitation to disaster.”

See, Ravi, you have everything backward. You have to get Katie to call you on her own
instead of the other way around. And the only way you’re going to do it is by backpedaling.
Because you got yourself so enmeshed in this goofy relationship, you’re going to have to
withdraw.

Remember, guys: If she has to chase you, it’s better for everybody.

Doc Love: Being "Just Friends"

Hey Doc,

I met Shyla through an online dating service. She is very attractive, in her late 30s and we got
along great from the beginning. She’d just lost her job and wanted me to move in with her and
her sons. When I agreed, she said that it would be just as friends. She helped me get a new
checking account (because of my credit problems her name has to be on it), she added me to
her cell phone account, we have been on vacation four or five times together, and we have
even been romantic together a couple of times, if you catch my drift.

then things changed…

Anyway, we continued to get along well until just recently. What’s happened is that I feel
like I’ve gotten extremely close to Shyla, and now she says that I’m smothering her even
though I knew our relationship was supposed to be just a friendly thing, never anything more.
This sort of squabbling has been going on for three months now. She has booked another
vacation for her youngest son and us. My question is this: Does Shyla really want me to back
off and be just a friend, or is this a way to get me to move out of her life?
I don’t really want to move on, Doc, but I don’t want to be in an uncomfortable place either.
I know that it’s hard for you to give answers to questions when you’re only hearing one side
of the story, but what I desperately need is an opinion from a coach. I hope you can help me.
Thanks.

Kam - who wonders if he moved in too fast

doc love’s answer

Hi Kam,

Whoa. Hold it right here, guy. Let me make sure I’ve got this right. You moved in with a
complete stranger who you’re attracted to, and who told you up front that it was going to be
nothing but a non-romantic relationship, and now you want more than that. Do you realize
what you’re saying here? Apparently you don’t, because you went right ahead and moved in
with this babe. Kam, let me ask you this question: If I told you to jump off the Golden Gate
Bridge, would you do it?

But after Shyla, who must have been really bored a couple of nights, got romantic with you,
you were suckered in by the idea of having her as your girlfriend and now you’re totally gone
over her. You never quite swallowed the idea that she was just looking for a buddy, a vacation
escort and a substitute daddy for her kids. And that’s the problem with this scenario. Kam, we
don’t care how close you feel to this woman. If you know anything whatsoever about my
principles -- and it sounds from what you’re telling me here that you’re clueless -- all we care
about is how extremely close Shyla feels to you. And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love
says, “She feels so close to you that she’s begging you not to smother her to death!”

Doc Love coaches Kam on being “just friends”…

you should’ve listened

When Shyla told you that this relationship was going to be friendly and never anything more,
you should have listened to her, dude. Let me remind you: Women don't lie -- men don't
listen. There’s a reason I say that, buddy. To you Psych majors, it’s so your massive egos
don’t get in the way of what she’s actually saying to you.

OK, so Shyla told you up front that she wanted nothing more than a friendly relationship, and
now because your Interest Level has shot through the roof you’re trying to change your
agreement with her nonverbally. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “And
when you did, she called you on it!” So back off, man!
stop fighting
Now let me get something else straight. You’ve been arguing with this girl for three whole
months? And you’re just friends? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “So when does the fun
start, boy?” Are you that desperate, Kam, that you’d rather live your life squabbling with
someone who doesn’t really want you around in the first place? Like my cousin General Love
says, “Soldier, you should have surrendered that area the minute the skirmishes started.”

Now Shyla wants to haul you along on another vacation with her because she hasn’t found a
guy she really wants to be romantic with yet. But you’re not going to take this next vacation
with Shyla and her son. You’re through, Kam. They’re going to go alone. And you’re going
to find something else to do with yourself for a few days.

Of course she wants you to back off and just be a friend. That’s exactly what she told you in
the beginning, didn’t she? And like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Now that you’re
driving her nuts, you should be out of her life altogether!”

how to turn things around…

Here’s my opinion about this mess you’ve gotten yourself into, Kam. If you can find the Self-
Control -- and I’m not at all convinced that you can, judging by your past behavior -- to back
off and stop pressuring this girl, and you can force your Interest Level from 100% down to
60%, you might have a chance of turning this thing around. Chances of that happening are
slim because Shyla’s told you that she doesn’t want to be anything but friends with you a
hundred times already. But you’re going to try to control yourself. And if nothing changes
within 60 days, you’re moving out.

Remember, guys: The woman always sets the pace of the relationship.

Is There Such A Thing As Bad Timing?

Hey Doc,

About six months ago, I asked out Kianna, a waitress at my neighborhood bar. She really
stood out: She’s very attractive, smiles a lot and she’s in her 30s (I’m 33, by the way, so
we’re in the same age range). She informed me that she had just left a nine-year relationship
and would like to date. She also told me she liked that I was so direct.

divulging too much info

So, we went on that first date, which was great and we both had fun. Then I was laid off from
my job the very next day. I told Kianna, and while she said it didn’t matter, we only talked
on
the phone for a few weeks afterward instead of getting together. This was because she didn’t
accept any of my date invitations. I backed off with the hopes that she would call me, but she
didn’t. A month later, she texted me a birthday greeting and I waited a week before calling
her. Again, it went well. We started seeing each other on weekends, and dated for two
months. During this time, we had fun, but it didn’t get romantic beyond kissing. She told me
she “couldn’t be a girlfriend to me now.” So I drove her home and left her alone. Three days
later she called me and told me that I “was the greatest guy ever” and we went out again.

The next time I called her we had a nice talk, but it was different. She sounded distant. Well,
being one to get to the point, I asked her out and she turned me down. I said, “It doesn’t seem
as though you are interested in this anymore.” After a short conversation about her wanting
“to do other things, and go out and have single fun, but remain friends,” I said that wouldn’t
work for me. We met for dinner to exchange our stuff, and she said she’d call me again, but
she hasn’t.

such a thing as bad timing?

Months have passed and my friends are telling me to call her again. I have a job again, and
I’m sure my mood and demeanor are better. Maybe some time apart has helped her too.
What’s stopping me is that if Kianna was interested, I feel she would have contacted me by
now. Yes, I broke it off with her, but the roller-coaster ride was getting old, and I wanted her
to know that being unemployed didn’t mean I was a pushover.

Your advice is appreciated, as I’m confused about what to do. Could it have just been bad
timing the first time around? Or is no time the right time? And, is there such a thing as bad
timing?

Chuckles - who wonders, is there such a thing as bad timing and doesn’t want to get
burned again.

doc love’s answer

Hi Chuckles,

Well, I have to say that at the beginning it was good. Kianna helped you out when she met
you. First she tells you she’d liked to date -- implying of course that she’d like to date you.
And second, she liked the fact that you were so direct, which showed you had Confidence (the
first of the three Cs, the others being Control and Challenge). Straight out of the chute you did
OK. So far, so good.

unemployed jerk
Then you were laid off and went and told Kianna about it. Why in the world would you tell
her a negative? To you Psych majors, telling a girl what’s wrong with you when you’ve just
met her is about the stupidest thing you could do. Instead of flapping your lips, you should
have just regarded yourself as “between careers” and kept your trap shut. Think about it this
way: Why would a girl like you more if you’re unemployed? Like my cousin Rabbi Love
says, “It doesn’t make any sense, my son.”

Doc Love answers the question: Is there such a thing as bad timing?…

What most men do is shoot off their mouths without thinking, and then they can never take it
back. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Remember, paisan, you can always tell her
the bad stuff later.”

Naturally, after your revelation about being stranded in the unemployment line, Kianna didn’t
want to go out with you. She was turned off. And right there, pal, you were out. After she
turned you down for a date, you should have thrown her number away.

Still, you waited for her to call you and she didn’t. Do you know why? Because she wasn’t
Interested.

a polite gesture
She texted you a birthday greeting? Hallelujah! She saw the light! She realized what a great
guy you were. Chuckles, you have to rush right back in there and try and get her back.
What are you waiting for?

Seriously, though, it was a blunder when you decided to call her again. Sure, it went well the
second time around -- temporarily. It didn’t really go well, even though you dated for two
months. And here’s the proof: It didn’t get romantic. That’s OK, maybe this Kianna’s a classy
girl. And like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “I guess nobody else found her attractive all that
time, huh?”

When she said she couldn’t be a girlfriend to you now, do you know what she really meant,
Chuckles? She meant forever. Guys, “now” is Womanese for “forever.”

hook in your mouth

You didn’t really leave Kianna alone at that point. She was happy to get out of your car. Then
you went out a third time when she suckered you in with that “greatest guy ever” comment.
She must have been really bored at that point. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East
L.A. says, “Man, this girl really knows how to work you.”

I’ll let you in on something here, Chuckles. When females sound “distant,” that means you’re
out. But you thought you were smart; you were going to be persistent and you weren’t going
to give up. As a result, the closest you’ve come to reality through this whole ordeal is when
you told Kianna, “It doesn’t seem as though you are interested in this anymore.”
Kianna wanted to remain friends? Like the old Chinese saying goes, “Uh-oh, grasshopper,
there goes the kissing.” Know what you should have done? You should have told her it was a
great idea and then flushed her number.

what stuff?
You had each other’s stuff. What stuff? How and why did you ever give this girl stuff? You
weren’t going with this girl for two years, Chuckles; you could hardly get a date out of her
and you’re giving her stuff?

Here’s another secret I’ll let you in on: When a woman says she’s going to call you again, it
means she’s never going to call you. More Womanese.

Of course your friends are urging you to go back for more -- because your friends are even
dumber than you are. Your mood and demeanor might be better now that you’re gainfully
employed again, but it doesn’t matter -- you’re out with this girl. Once Interest Level goes
south of the border, it’s over, baby.

Regarding the break that was forced on you by Kianna, like the great Doctor Freud once said:
“Time apart doesn’t help when they don’t like you. She’s just happy you’re gone.”

living in denial
You really think that if Kianna liked you she would have contacted you by now? Brilliant! I
never would have thought of that, Chuckles. You’re getting smarter.

Dude, I got news for you: You didn’t break it off with this girl. To break it off with someone
means they have to actually like you.

Being an unemployed pushover has nothing to do with Kianna’s Interest Level in you. And
timing had nothing to do with this debacle either. You did everything wrong the first time
around -- that’s what really happened. This babe wanted to date someone, she liked that you
were direct, she went out with you, but the problem was that only one of you had fun. And
unfortunately for you, it wasn’t Kianna.

Remember, guys: There’s no such thing as bad timing.

Can The System Keep A Marriage Alive?

Hey Doc,
I’ve been reading your articles for a little while now and find them quite interesting, but I
haven’t seen anything dealing with my situation. Before I go ahead and purchase “The
System,” since I notice that your columns deal mostly with dating and not with more
established relationships, I’d like to know whether you can help me with my specific problem.
So here goes.

the calm before the storm

I’ve been married to Katrina for two and a half years. We dated for four years before tying
the knot and our relationship was as close to perfect as you can imagine. There was fun,
romance and mutual respect, but things have changed.

We have a gorgeous young daughter now and that’s where the problems really originated.
Katrina stayed home to raise her and any other kids we might have in the future, and I’m the
one with the full-time job. When I get home at the end of the day -- most times at eight or
nine -- I’m totally exhausted, but so is Katrina, from dealing with our child all day long.
Instead of a nice, relaxing environment, the atmosphere is rather tense. Katrina has become a
nagger and she’s often grumpy from being stuck in the house all week long. I realize it’s
tough that she’s with the child all the time, but what does she expect me to do? The worst
part is that come the weekend, she bolts and leaves me with our daughter. So, it feels like I
have two jobs, Doc! It’s brutal.

can “the system” save a marriage?

We’ve tried talking about what’s bothering us, but it doesn’t get very far and always ends
with Katrina claiming that she no longer has any fun with me. I get a little worried when
I hear this stuff.

Anyway, my question is this: Is there anything in your book about maintenance of a marriage
and bringing back your wife’s Interest Level? Can “The System” keep a marriage alive? If
so, I’ll order it today!

Brooks - who wonders if “The System” can keep a marriage alive and hopes he doesn’t end
up another divorce statistic

doc love’s answer

Hi Brooks,

First of all, why are you dragging home at eight or nine every night? Why aren’t you getting
home at five-thirty or six like most normal people? I have to wonder why you’re putting in
such long hours to begin with. This issue is something that has to be cleared up if you have
any hope of salvaging your family life. Is it possible to cut down on your time at work --
short of telling the boss to shove it, of course? Can you go to work earlier and then get home
at a
decent time? If so, you can help your beleaguered wife out with her chores and the care of
your child before it all goes to hell.

it’s just one kid

In the second place, why is Katrina so totally exhausted from dealing with just one rug rat?
Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “What if she had five or six kids to handle on the farm? She
wouldn’t last a day out there!”

Handling one child shouldn’t wipe your wife out, Brooks. When the kid takes a nap,
Katrina takes a nap, right? Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, I don’t think your
partner is organized!”

To boot, the fact that your wife snipes at you leads me to believe that she resents the fact that
she’s a mother. If you read my book when you were still dating, you might have picked up on
that red flag before you tied the knot, my friend, since the Dating Dictionary teaches you how
to find out as much as possible about the person with whom you’re involved. Or maybe you
saw the red flag and chose to ignore it. Dumb.

Can “The System” keep a marriage alive? Doc Love has the answer…

So, Katrina is grumpy on account of being with her daughter all week long. What did she
expect to happen when she had a child? Sounds like she was clueless about what it involved,
Brooks. She has to be with the kid all the time. She’s a mother, right? That’s her job, and that
was your agreement.

date your wife

What can you do to reverse this deteriorating situation? You should ask your wife out on the
weekends. And if for some reason you can’t manage being alone with her, you should take
her and your daughter and go to a park or zoo or find something else to do as a family.
Here’s another idea: Get a cleaning person in twice a month to help out so Katrina isn’t so
overwhelmed.

Another alternative is to let Katrina go out with her girlfriends for three or four hours on
Saturday to have lunch or shop and then hook up with her for your date. Like the great Doctor
Freud once said, “If you let her out on her own, she won’t feel like she’s losing her marbles
and she’ll come back in a better frame of mind.”

The real problem here might very well not be that Katrina is saddled with her daughter all
week long. I think your wife doesn’t like you, and her Interest Level in you is lower than it
used to be. And, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “She just looks to me like a lousy
mother.”
Aside from being an unfit mother, your wife is blaming you for her problems with your
daughter. Her Interest Level has taken a dip, and it’s on account of your relationship with her,
rather than being home with the kid. She’s blaming her horrible life on that situation; whereas,
the reality is that her Interest Level is not in the 90s anymore because you haven’t given her
affection and romance and you’re taking her for granted.

poor brooks is working double shift

I’m sure it is brutal for you having two jobs, Brooks. Especially with the long hours you’re
working. I know what you’re going through, and it can’t be easy coming home to a less-than-
loving environment. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Think of how
brutal it will be when you have to hand over half of what you own in a divorce settlement.”
That’s why you have to do something before it’s too late.

Of course the Dating Dictionary contains a formula for reviving your wife’s Interest Level.
My book helps you deal with ANY problem having to do with women. It makes me wonder
why you haven’t already bought it and memorized it. What are you waiting for?

Here’s what you have to do to bring your wife’s Interest Level back to life. You have to show
her respect, give her affection and be humorous, and you have to take her out. See if you can
get Grandma to babysit so you can date your wife at least once a week. And when you go out,
don’t talk about the bills and the child. That’s for starters.

pick up the slack

Here’s what else I want you to do: When you come home at night, even though you’re
dragging your butt, take a shower, then either vacuum the rugs or clean the toilets or whatever
else is begging to be done around the house. I want you to put in at least 20 minutes on the
chores every night, and make sure your wife sees it.

When you come to your senses and get my book, I want you to concentrate on the subject of
Challenge. Even though it pertains largely to singles, you’re going to see how the principles
involved carry over into married life. To you Psych majors, the techniques that caught her
during the dating process are the same ones that will keep her happily married. Like my
cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, you have to plan for the long haul.”

Remember, guys: It’s easy to make her fall in love with you; the hard part is keeping her in
love.

Doc Love: Being A Challenge On The Internet

Hey Doc,

I read your recent opinion on instant messaging and how it ruins any chance of being a
Challenge. I was wondering if you yourself have ever actually used it for that purpose and
what your thoughts about it are.

Personally, I find it 10 times easier to exude mystery over the internet. When a girl knows
you’re online and you don’t respond, she gets very interested in where you are and what
you’re doing. When your status suddenly changes to “away” and your auto message is set to
“out, text me if you need me,” you’d be surprised at the amount of interest the girls develop. I
would call that a great technique for strengthening Challenge.

being a challenge on the internet

Here’s something else. I often find myself talking to a buddy by instant message and when I
re-open a conversation with a girl I like, after having not replied for several minutes, she’s
constantly asking what I’m up to and how I’ve been. She probably thinks I’ve got other
babes on the line. Again, doesn’t this make me more of a Challenge?

Doc, I’m not saying that instant messaging is the best method for keeping babes interested in
you, far from it. I’m just saying that it shouldn’t be discarded. In my opinion, it’s effective if
used in the right way. I haven’t read “The System” yet, but from the sound of things, I don’t
think you’ve incorporated this technique into your book.

Let me know what you think about this, as I really want to know if it is easier to be a
Challenge on the internet.

Cloyd - who thinks it might be easier to be a Challenge on the internet.

doc love’s answer

Hi Cloyd,

I’ll make this as simple as I can for you: The reason you don’t want to use instant messaging
with women is because it’s part of making contact. The only contact you’re supposed to make
when you meet a woman is over the phone, either her home phone or, if she doesn’t have one
of those, her cell phone. Once this contact starts, there shouldn’t be any other type of
incidental contact between the two of you, nor do I want her knowing what you’re doing --
that’s the essence of my strategy.

disappear and become a mystery

So when you wait a week to call a girl for the second, third and fourth date, in between those
times there shouldn’t be any type of contact because I want her to be wondering what you’re
doing. Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, if you’re sending instant messages back
and forth, in the interim, you’re undermining the entire battle plan.”

Doc Love’s reader wants to know: Is it easier to be a Challenge on the internet?

Your argument for instant messaging is actually full of holes, my friend. You think that you
can exude mystery over the internet, but in order to try to do that you have to make contact
first. To you Psych majors, contact kills challenge. Again, with instant messaging you’re
undermining what you’re actually setting out to do.

keep her in the dark

Furthermore, the female shouldn’t even know whether you’re online or offline. Why give her
any kind of opening at all to figure you out? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “The
babe shouldn’t know anything about you.” Not being in contact whatsoever is better than her
knowing you’re online and just not responding. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts
says. “Yo, dawg, don’t let her know you ain’t got nothin’ better to do than fool around on
your computer.”

Cloyd, I’ll let you in on something else. The woman gets more interested in where you are
and what you’re doing when she doesn’t know that you’re online or that you’ve been online.
She would develop higher Interest Level in you if you have her thinking, “Gosh, this guy
doesn’t e-mail me, he doesn’t instant message me, he doesn’t text message me, and he
doesn’t phone me -- I wonder what the heck he’s up to.” And then, when you wait a week to
finally call her, your odds of getting the date are much higher because you’ve been hanging
back.
The essence of Challenge is no contact and making her wonder what’s going on with you.

up front and personal

Let me put it to you another way, my man. You should be having any and all conversation in
front of her at the restaurant when you’re out on a date so you can read her body language.
When you’re wasting time instant messaging, you cannot read her body language. You can’t
see what’s really going on. This is the point of eliminating contact until you actually see the
girl. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “When you’re instant messaging a babe, for all
you know she could be sitting on some guy’s lap laughing at you.”

When you’re fooling around with the internet, the woman isn’t thinking you have other babes
on the line, dude. The only way she’s going to think you have other women is by having no
contact, period. So no, this tactic doesn’t make you more of a Challenge. When you stay in
any kind of sporadic, unplanned contact, you’re just shooting yourself in the foot.

You’re right, Cloyd. Instant messaging isn’t the best method of being a Challenge to women -
- it’s the worst.
read and memorize, my friend
The fact that you haven’t read “The System” is really the key to your ignorance. If you’d
actually read and memorized my book, you would understand that the concept of mystery
means she can’t find you -- at all. And she doesn’t know what you’re doing. And I don’t want
you to give away even a little bit of what you’re doing by instant messaging.

One more thing, Cloyd; how can you tell me what’s in my book when you haven’t read it?
You can’t. Do yourself a favor and get it as soon as possible. Then sit there and read it. Then
memorize it cover to cover. The techniques in my book are tried and true for 35 years.

Remember, guys: The only methods that work are the methods in “The System.”

Doc Love: Are Flight Attendants Dateable?

Hey Doc,

OK, so here goes. I’m a successful 27-year-old architect living in Los Angeles. Shauna is a
29-year-old bombshell flight attendant living and working in Australia. We originally met on
MySpace with casual flirting and in hopes of nothing but an internet friendship. A week ago
she worked a flight from Australia to Los Angeles and sent me an e-mail letting me know
that she would be in town for a day and a half. At first I didn’t take it too seriously and
casually replied with my phone number just in case she wanted to get together for drinks and
hang out as friends.

a layover’s third date

To keep a long story short, we got together one night, had stimulating conversation, and such
an amazing time that we decided to meet for lunch the very next day. We swooned over each
other, which led to dinner plans for the same night before her flight back to Australia. During
dinner, Shauna mentioned that it was officially our third date, so she was looking at our
arrangement as “dating.” Since she flew back to Australia, we have talked nearly every night
on the phone and sent numerous flirtatious e-mails to each other. We’ve even made plans to
go out and see a musical and have dinner when she returns to Los Angeles this weekend.

flight attendants in myspace

Everything seems to be going beautifully and I couldn’t really ask for more, but Doc, I sense
a major thorn in this rose garden. This girl is hot. Not just hot, but Super Hot, and she’s
internationally mobile via her profession. After seeing her extensive “friends” list and
flirtatious ways on MySpace, a few of my female pals have put the idea into my head that she
probably has a boyfriend in every major city she flies to, and that I’m just the L.A. fallback
guy.

The problem is that I’m falling for Shauna. My questions are: What should I do? And are
flight attendants dateable? Do I have a right to ask Shauna about her personal life since we
just started dating? Should I be concerned about her flirtatious ways? Is there any hope for
this long-distance relationship? Please advise.

Vincenzo - who wants to know: Are flight attendants dateable?

doc love’s answer

Hi Vincenzo,

Wait a minute here; what do you mean you were after just an “internet friendship?” Be honest
with yourself, pal. You’re not looking for internet friendship -- you want a girl to fall in love
with you. Like my cousin General Love says, “Internet friendship is a big waste of time --
that’s why you have buddies.” In the second place, this babe lives on the other side of the
world -- so far you’re doing really good.

Doc Love addresses Vincenzo’s big question: Are flight attendants dateable?

You should have taken it seriously when Shauna was in town, and you should have made a
date with her. And again, don’t BS yourself here -- you don’t want to hang out as friends with
any female, unless it’s Rosie O’Donnell. I don’t even know what you’re trying to con yourself
into here, Vincenzo. You should have been aggressive. You should have shown your strength
quality of Confidence by making a date -- not waiting for her to do it. It’s obvious you
haven’t read my book. If you had, you wouldn’t have made such a massive blunder.

back-to-back dates
Now here’s the problem with these back-to-back-to-back dates. You had to see her a lot
because Shauna was only in town for a day and a half. You had to get a lot of time in with her
while she was there, but in the process you killed Challenge.

You shouldn’t have swooned over Shauna, dude. We want her doing all the swooning over
you. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “You never swoon over a babe. What are you,
a teenaged girl?”

It was perfect though, that Shauna was looking at your arrangement as dating. That’s what
you want. But you sound like you’ve got a complaint in your voice. What’s the problem?

communication breakdown
Talking every night on the phone with Australia was another big, huge mistake. You should
have told Shauna, “When you get back to L.A., give me a call and we’ll go out.” Period. No
talking when she’s out of town.

Another error was all those flirtatious e-mails flying back and forth. Tell Shauna to save the
messages for when she gets back into town. The only e-mail you want from her is the one that
says, “We’re going out next Wednesday.” On the other hand, it’s good you made a date for
the weekend, but stay off the phone and forget the e-mails -- again, you’re murdering
Challenge.

But you swear that things are going “beautifully.” How can you say things are going so great
when Shauna lives 7,500 miles away? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, do you
have any idea what she’s up to over there?”

You say you sense a thorn in this beautiful rose garden. The reality is that there’s a whole
field of thorns between you and Shauna. For one thing, she’s flirtatious on MySpace. Like my
Uncle Jethro Love says, “In other words, she’s in love with 50 other guys.” Are you hoping
to be one of the 50? Is that your objective here? And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from
East
L.A. says, “Even worse than having guys all over the world, with that gorgeous face of hers
she’s probably got two or three guys in L.A. alone.”

on cloud nine
Guy, how can you possibly be falling for Shauna? You don’t even know her! What you’re
falling for is her beauty. You’re sure not falling for her personality. Like my cousin Brother
Love down in Watts says, “Dawg, if she looked like Whoopi Goldberg, you wouldn’t go
anywhere near her.”

What should you do? You should see Shauna when she comes to L.A. And if you’re really
smart, which it doesn’t sound like you are, you should see other girls in L.A. and you should
keep seeing them until Shauna says, “I’m moving to America to be with you. I want to be a
U.S. citizen.” Until that happens, keep your trap shut about your feelings.

Vincenzo, you don’t have the right to ask Shauna about her personal life. You don’t have any
rights with this girl -- period.

she’s hot to trot

Should you be worried about Shauna and all her other boyfriends? She looks like Molly Sims,
right? Remember, she could be on the cover of Elle magazine. So what do you think?

There would be hope for this relationship if you’d memorized my materials and done
everything right. If that were the case, the odds of it working out would go from 1 in 2,000 to
1 in 10. To you Psych majors, whichever way you cut it, it’s a long shot.
Remember, guys: The key to turning off a woman is to put her on a pedestal.

Doc Love: Get Attention From Women

Hey Doc,

I have gone through my entire life without ever being able to attract the attention of the
opposite sex. Throughout my middle and high school years every time I got up the guts to
talk to a girl I was immediately shot down, laughed at, beaten up by their large (and possibly
pharmaceutically enhanced boyfriends) or asked if I had been dared to do this as some form
of initiation rite by my friends or teammates. This has gone on for so long that I have
hardened emotionally to the point that I now only view women as part of the procreative
biological process that I will not ever participate in. I thought that by going to college things
would change, but they didn’t. I have tried every possible trick of the trade posted on the net
or published in a book to attract females, with no bites. I have tried understanding women as
everything from a mathematical enigma to some type of exotic and rare creature, without
success.

a lonely life
So here I am, almost 30, and still not one relationship to my credit. I own a house, a car, have
a decent job, and am working on finishing my advanced college degree. I am not a good
judge of myself, but I think my looks are average -- blond hair with hazel-green eyes hidden
behind glasses, with a slim-to-fit build. I spend my days playing video games, modifying cars
and computers, and taking camping trips to the middle of nowhere for survival training and
archery practice. I am a self-taught musician and practice the martial arts. I read every book I
can get my hands on, from quantum physics to the Delta Force hand-to-hand combat manual.

Should I give up or spend every dime I have to surgically enhance my appearance? Or

should I blow all my money and get some high-priced escorts and pray that I don’t catch
something? Should I try super-concentrated pheromones? Please don’t tell me to just be
myself because that advice has only brought me pain. Thank you.

DeShawn - who doesn’t know what’s left to try

doc love's answer

Hi DeShawn,

Just the fact that you’re asking a girl out with her muscle-bound boyfriend standing right next
to her -- so that he can beat your face to a pulp when you’re finished -- you’re telling me right
off the bat, and this is not meant as a put down, that you know absolutely nothing about
women. If you did, why in the world would you try and hustle a girl who has a guy with 17
1/2 inch arms standing guard over her -- a brute who’s going to smash your face into the
wall? Like the old cowboy saying goes, “Common sense would tell you it ain’t a good idea.”
The problem is that you have no common sense.

So you’re coming to me with absolutely zilch ability with women, DeShawn, which you
admit in your letter. Again, this is not meant as a put down. It’s just a fact, and we always
deal with reality.

why not you?

Thinking you’re never going to have a woman in your life in any way is an erroneous view,
pal, and down deep you know it. I’m sure you see many couples walking around laughing and
kissing and having a good time, and you have to wonder, “What happened to me?” And more
importantly, “Why not me?” However, you have a lot of work to do, even by comparison to a
guy who gets a date once every two months or so. At least that guy’s doing a little something
right. But you’re doing absolutely nothing right. Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier,
you’re starting from ground zero.”

Now, I won’t get into why you’re in this predicament in the first place because I’m not a
psychiatrist. My job is to take you forward from this point, which is the end zone. You have to
do everything I tell you to do in order to advance the ball up the field. You’re going to have to
let me call all the plays.

Get attention from the opposite sex with Doc Love's dating guide...

Judging from your letter, DeShawn, you do a lot of very impressive stuff. However, you’re
going to have to do some other things that are going to be very, very uncomfortable for you at
first; this is the price you’ll have to pay to turn your situation around. Like my cousin Rabbi
Love says, “Otherwise, my son, you’ll have to go to the Himalayas and forget women.”

Things wouldn’t change when you went to college because you were the same dork using the
same wrong techniques you used in high school. If I were at your side for a week I could tell
you everything you’re doing wrong -- including the way you dress, the way you walk, etc.
Since that’s impossible, I can only help you through books and CDs. And that’s the only way
your impasse is going to change.

you've come to the right dating guru

DeShawn, I believe it when you say you’ve had no bites from girls, but you haven’t studied
with me yet. All the other love doctors out there give you wrong advice or, at best, half-truths,
and that’s why you haven’t been successful so far. Now you’ve found me, and we’re going to
change you. If you’re willing to do a lot of hard, hard work.
You’re right that women are exotic and rare creatures. However, your interpretation of their
behavior has been incorrect.

Let’s look at the positive side: Your description of yourself shows that you are a very
interesting guy. And you do a lot of very interesting things. Lots of women would be
interested in a guy who does so many fascinating things. So you yourself are cool, dude.
However, what you’re doing with women, how you approach them, what you say to them, and
so forth, proves that you’re out to lunch. You’d actually be better off talking to a Martian
because you’re so afraid and you’ve put such a heavy trip on yourself that you’ve made
yourself a loser with women for three entire decades.

Forget cosmetic surgery. It’s not your looks that are the problem -- it’s what’s going on
between your ears. It’s your personality that’s your downfall, my friend. You don’t know how
to talk to women. You don’t know how to act with them. You score a big fat zero in that
subject. You know how to deal with guys, you can even do hand-to-hand combat with them,
but when it comes to females, you’re clueless.

escorts are not the answer

Getting high-priced escorts is a waste of money and you’d be going backwards. Guy, I have
a super-concentrated pheromone; it’s called “The System.” And if you’d memorized it and
hustled below-average girls who are overweight, you would have at least scored a couple of
Starbucks dates and then we could have built on that. However, at this point, until you
memorize all my techniques, nothing is going to happen.

So this is what you have to do: You have to take dance lessons and improv classes. Like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Instead of going up on the mountain and living with the
squirrels, what you have to do is learn how to ballroom dance and tell jokes.” And you have
to go to Toastmasters and give speeches on my principles, no matter how much it kills you.
And you have to do this until you get them down and until you’re completely comfortable
with them.

the system will guide you

DeShawn, you can’t give up on women, because you love them -- I know you do. Don’t be so
down on yourself. I’ve turned lots of guys in your situation around, but they were willing to
put in the time and effort and discipline to reshape their personalities. Because like I said
before, with all your accomplishments, you’re a well-rounded guy. You’ve got a house and a
job. You’ve got a lot to build on. However, you’re doing everything incorrectly, and the
biggest problem is that you don’t have a clue how to talk to women. I will teach you that.

Everybody tells you to be yourself, but you don’t know what “yourself” is. And you certainly
don’t know how to be yourself around women. If you asked a hundred people what being
yourself means, you’d get a hundred different answers. Like the great Doctor Freud once said,
“It’s a catch-all statement that makes no sense and gives you absolutely no help.”

Remember, guys: The key to women is “The System.”

Doc Love: When Should You Call A Girl?

Hey Doc,

I’ve got a situation that I’m not sure I know how to deal with: I’m a 22-year-old engineer
working and living in Boston. About six and a half weeks ago I met Teena, who I seemed to
instantly click with -- well, at least to me it felt like we clicked. I had just started reading the
Dating Dictionary at the time and I tried to adhere as much as I could to what I learned from
the book.

I got Teena’s number, but it turned out, unfortunately, that right at that time I learned that I
had to leave town on business for five weeks. I tried to call Teena the next day. I know this
was too much too soon, but I thought it would be better than waiting five weeks before
calling her and telling her that I’d been called out of town. Anyway, I got no answer, which
was probably just as well because I broke the rules of “The System.”

out of sight out of mind?

So here’s my problem: I like this girl a lot, and I am reasonably certain that she likes me, but
it’s been six and half weeks now since I’ve talked to Teena, and to me that feels like it’s been
too long to call. She happens to be friends with one of my buddy’s girlfriends and I’ve been
trying to arrange a “meet,” but it doesn’t seem to be working out. So, basically my question is
this: Is it too late to call Teena for a date? If it isn’t, what should I say to her?

Thanks for any help, Doc. You’re the man.

Bilbo - who wonders if he should have heard from her and: When should you call a girl?

doc love's answer

Hi Bilbo,

You should have waited a week to call Teena, regardless of where you were in the world, my
friend. The main point here is that you never call a woman the very next day. Like my cousin
Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Slow down, bro. She’s not going anywhere. What are
you, a desperado?” You should have waited a week to call this babe, and then told her that
you were out of town for a month due to the demands of your job. Simple.
To you Psych majors, you don’t have to wait five weeks to call a girl. And Bilbo, you didn’t
have to call Teena from Boston. You just pick up the phone and call her from out of town.
Last time I looked there were telephones everywhere and I’m sure your company makes sure
you have a cell phone. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Where the heck were you
that you couldn’t call -- in the middle of the Sahara Desert where there’s no cell phone
service?”

work the system

Guy, even when you’re abiding by “The System,” you have to be able to use your head and
think creatively. It’s true that my book instructs you to wait a week to call the girl, so you
have to wait a week to call. However, rather than make a date when you call, just tell her
you’ll be out of town for several weeks.

Doc Love gives a few more rules about when you should call a girl...

Think about this: If the babe has any real interest in you, that month-long waiting period will
make her crazy. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “She’ll be wonderin’ what the heck you’re
doin’ out in Dayton, Ohio, or Nashville, Tennessee.” The point is that even this early absence
will drive up your Challenge quotient -- and her Interest Level. And it will show her that you
can function in the world like a self-confident, self-sufficient man without running to the
phone and calling her at the first opportunity.

break the rules and leave a message

When you did call her before you left town, you should have left a message. I’m against
leaving messages, but this was an extraordinary situation. You were acting as if you’re not
allowed to call a girl because you were going to be away for a while. What in the world gave
you that idea?

How can you say that you like Teena a lot, Bilbo? You know nothing about her. What you
mean is that you’re infatuated with her because she could pass for Megan Fox’s twin sister.
All you know is that she’s gorgeous. And by the way, what does “reasonably certain” she
likes you mean? You don’t have a clue what she thinks or feels about you. You haven’t even
been on one single date with her!

That said, even though all this time has passed, you have to call Teena. The fact is that you
should have called after one week, but you already blew that.

ditch the double dates

Forget about trying to arrange “meets” with this girl. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
“Leave other people out of your love life, my son. All they’re going to do is mess it up and
make it worse than it already is.” You’re lucky your buddy’s set-up attempt isn’t working out.

It’s not too late to call Teena and ask for a date. Just ring her up and act like nothing happened
and hope that she remembers you. And if she asks where you’ve been, tell her you had a
business meeting and had to go out of town for several weeks. In other words, just tell her the
truth.

learn your role bilbo

You shouldn’t have heard from Teena, Bilbo. The girl is not supposed to call the guy; the guy
is supposed to call the girl. Your mistake was; A) That you thought you had to ask Teena out
within 24 hours, which you didn’t and; B) You should have phoned her when you were out of
town. The rule is to not leave messages, but like I said earlier, this was a unique situation. I
don’t want you guys breaking rules, but when you’re going to be MIA for a month after you
get a girl’s number, you can leave a message and tell her you’re going to be out of town and
that you’ll give her a ring when you get back.

Remember, guys: You have to learn to think on your feet.

Doc Love: Too Much Too Soon

Hey Doc,

I’ve been seeing Rosalita for a month or so; she’s right up there in the 9.5-to-10 range. She
also happens to be a part-time model and active in lots of society stuff. My honest opinion is
that she’s way out of my league.

Anyway, ever since I met her (through a friend) we’ve been talking to each other pretty
much non-stop. We see each other four to five times a week, though we haven’t been on a
real one- on-one date, only group dates and sports activities. She always invites me to go to
random events, and I always reply with a "yes." The truth is that I actually haven’t asked her
out on a real date.

too much text and talk

A few days ago we stopped talking, so I sent her a text message, but she didn’t reply. I just
assumed that she was busy. Two days have passed and I haven’t heard a word from her. A
short time ago, I tried to call her but she didn’t pick up the phone. I know she was just at
home because one of my friends lives in the same neighborhood and saw her at her house.

At this point, should I just wait for Rosalita to call me? Or should I just raise the white flag
and give up? I’m kind of confused because we really hit it off, always joking and teasing
each
other all the time. She’s also very touchy-feely with me, and is also pretty interested in my
street-gang past. What should I do now?

Beau - who doesn’t know how to separate her from the herd

doc love's answer

Hi Beau,

If Rosalita is a ringer for Selma Hayek, right out of the gate you’re in deep trouble. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “This girl’s a killer. She always gets her way
with men and she never gets a ticket from a cop!”

However, if you think she’s out of your league, you’re selling yourself short. To you Psych
majors, all you have to do is make sure that the woman’s Interest Level is higher than yours
and you’re right in the game with anybody else. Forget about how high up the social ladder
Rosalita is. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, if Ivanka Trump liked you, she’d
go out with you and the Donald couldn’t stop her.”

fast and furious failure

You and Rosalita have been talking to each other non-stop? Whoa -- where’s the fire, man?
There’s the first huge mistake you made. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts
says, “Dawg, the guys who come in fast are the guys who go out fast.”

And seeing each other five times a week is way too much. You’re absolutely slaughtering
Challenge here, Beau, which proves to me that you haven’t even looked at my material. You
should be seeing Rosalita once a week and you should not be doing any group dates until
you’ve had at least 10 dates in and she’s begging to be your girlfriend. The activities you’re
doing with Rosalita aren’t bad in themselves, but you’re doing them all way too fast.

Doc Love lets Beau know why too much too soon drove Rosalita away...

You always reply to this babe with a "yes" whenever she asks you to show up somewhere?
Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Boy, you don’t know how to get the "no" word out of your
mouth, and that’s your problem!” Dude, you have to learn to say no, at least once in a while.
Beau, the point here is that if you don’t ever tell her no, she doesn’t think you have a
backbone.

doomed by delayed dates

Another blunder you made was not asking Rosalita out on a date. You should have asked her
out, and then when she asked you out on one of those group dates, you should have told her
you were busy. When you invited her out alone and refused to participate in the group stuff,
she would have been more apt to take the date -- especially if she was really interested in you.
What you would have been telling her indirectly was that this was the way it was going to be.
It would have been a great maneuver to raise Interest Level, but you insisted on giving away
the store by going to every single thing she asked you to.

Now let me set you straight on something: You didn’t stop talking to this knockout a few
days ago -- she stopped talking to you. Most of you guys assume a woman is “busy” when
she pulls the old dodge on you. It never crosses your mind that she just has low Interest Level
-- which is always the case.

texts are for wussies

Calling Rosalita on top of sending her a text message was another boo-boo. And by the way,
you shouldn’t be text messaging women anyway.

So your buddy saw Rosalita at her house. And what exactly does that mean? It means you
burned yourself out. You came on to this babe like a cyclone and now she’s moved on to
somebody else. You have to face reality, pal: If she’s a 9.5, she can go out with anybody she
wants.

So yes, wait for Rosalita to call you; but don’t hold your breath. And don’t worry about
running up the white flag -- you’re already out. Like my cousin General Love says, “There’s
no point in surrendering because the battle is already over and you lost.”

it's always sweeter in the beginning

Everybody hits it off in the beginning, Beau, but in your case after the first get-together it
was all downhill. Joking and teasing and the fact that Rosalita was being touchy-feely are
great and all, but the problem is that rather than capitalize on the good stuff, you didn’t
cultivate your sense of mystery and Challenge. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Men
have to learn to spoon-feed themselves.” I’ve told you that a thousand times already.

So, Rosalita digs your street-gang past. And you take that as a positive, huh?

What should you do now? Disappear. Though odds are that you’re already out with this girl.

Remember, guys: The key to women is going in S-L-O-W-L-Y.

Doc Love: Her Ex Came Back

Hey Doc,
I have been reading your column for some time now and have had great success in dating
women using “The System.” Recently I started dating Gina, and unlike any of my other recent
dates this one became intense very quickly. We both felt as if we had found exactly what we
were looking for. Our dates lasted long and were just perfect. Gina started suggesting things
we should do in the future and I reciprocated.

Well, when it seemed nothing could go wrong, the most unexpected thing happened: Gina’s
ex-boyfriend came back into the picture. She’d broken up with her ex years ago, but when
he showed up she “realized” that she still had feelings for him.

hit by the ex wild card

I was dumbfounded, as I never saw this coming because Gina’s interest in me was always
above 80% to 90%. So now her ex-boyfriend is back and she’s been seeing him regularly.
However, she also meets with me too (though not as often as with her ex). She says she
doesn’t know whom to choose, but she has been giving him priority over me. Without this
guy in the picture things were perfect between us, but now I have become a secondary guy.

So, here’s my question: Should I just leave Gina, move on, and let a very promising
relationship go? Or should I take a chance and wait to see if she comes back to me
exclusively?

Wilbert - who can’t believe his bad luck what to do when her ex comes back

doc love's answer

Hi Wilbert,

Uh-oh. When I hear that something became “intense very quickly,” what I’m really hearing is
a guy who just got rid of the principles that snagged the girl in the first place.

I want Gina to tell you that she got exactly what she was looking for, but I don’t want you
telling her the same thing. It’s all right for you to have feelings for this girl; I just don’t want
you to verbalize them to her so early in the relationship.

What do you mean your dates lasted long? What does “long” mean, exactly? Are you talking
about a couple of days here? I don’t like the word long, Wilbert. You should spend three to
five hours on a date with a girl, max, and then you’re out of there. You don’t want these early
dates turning into marathons.

futures are for wussies

I hope you didn’t reciprocate when Gina started talking about all the things you two were
going to do together in the future. What you should have said to her when she talked about the
future was “What a nice idea,” and then kept your mouth shut. You don’t have to talk about
the future just because she does. Where’s your Self-Control, pal?

When this whole issue of the ex-boyfriend first came up, here’s what you should have said:
“Great! You have my number. Go back and see your ex, and when you’re all done with him,
give me a call, and if I’m available we’ll go out. Good luck with your old boyfriend. He’s a
very lucky guy to have as nice a girl as you.” And then you should have immediately
disappeared, because like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You ain’t gonna hang around
and be a stooge!”

Wilbert's wondering what to do when her ex comes back, and Doc Love has the answers...

dumbfounded and dumb

Of course you were dumbfounded by the appearance of the ex. And like most guys, you never
saw it coming. To prevent these unexpected disasters from happening, you have to be on top
of your game at all times. Which means that when the girl, after anywhere from four to 10
dates, asks you to be her boyfriend you have to say this to her: “Do you correspond with any
of your exes?” If she says, yes, you’re then going to say, “Let’s leave things the way they
are.” Meaning you’re not going to be her boyfriend. To you Psych majors; as soon as you
hear about an ex, you know you’ve got problems.

Sadly, it only appeared that Gina’s Interest Level was 80% to 90%. The vastly more
important point was this: There was an ex-boyfriend lurking in the background.

don't be a stooge
So now she’s seeing the ex regularly. In other words, she’s got two stooges on the line like a
pair of stupid fish. How nice that she divides her time between you two. It means Gina’s got
two guys that are idiots and she’s the boss, playing with their heads for her own gratification.
And because she’s “confused,” she can’t decide what to do and she’s just going to play
around with both of you while you wait in the wings for your execution. Like my cousin
Rabbi Love says, “I should only be so confused.”

Don’t fret about Gina giving the other stooge priority over you, because you’re going to make
her decision very easy for her. You’re going to let her choose him. You’re not begging for
anything, dude. That way at least you’ll walk out with your self-respect. When you hang
around a girl who brings an ex back, and she sees both of you, she loses all respect for you.
And when she loses respect for you, her Interest Level goes straight into the toilet.

I feel your pain about playing second fiddle, man. But maybe you were always the secondary
guy.
don't be the other guy
However, you insist on calling this a promising relationship. You’ve read "The System" and
you think of this as a promising relationship? I think you better go back and read it again. And
this time concentrate on it.

Don’t wait around for Gina to come back. Start dating other girls -- today. Like my cousin
General Love says, “The best defense is a great offense.” And if you happen to run into Gina,
smile, say hello, then keep walking. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “You always want
to be friendly, but never her friend.”

Remember, guys: When there’s another guy in the picture, there’s really only one guy in the
picture.

Doc Love: Making Your Next Move

Hey Doc,

I’ve been reading your articles for a long time now, and now I’m at the point where I feel like
I need your help.

I met Flame online. I would consider her my perfect girl. She rejected me once, saying that I
was a “player,” which is arguable but on the other hand somewhat true. After a couple of
months I made another attempt to prove her wrong, since she’s the only woman I’m interested
in.

Anyway, after a long exchange of messages, I finally got her to agree on going out for dinner.
Since Flame has a very busy schedule at the hospital where she works, she was the one who
decided on the day and time for our date. I went to the restaurant a little early and sat at the
bar waiting for her. Three minutes past our scheduled meeting time, she texted me that she
was stuck at the hospital and didn’t think she was going to be getting out any time soon.

we haven’t talked since

That was a few days ago. Flame hasn’t contacted me since. At this point I don’t really know if
she canceled on me because of work or if she came, saw me through the window, and decided
to leave, which I really don’t want to believe. She already told me that I made her feel
smothered, so I’m not really sure if I should call her. What should I do? Any advice for
someone in my situation?

Thank you in advance.

Stanislaus - who’s baffled as to his next move

doc love’s answer

Hi Stanislaus,

I’m sure you’ve been reading my articles forever, but you haven’t actually invested in “The
System.” Why not? Why is it that one guy will read three of my articles and say to himself,
“Doc Love really has the answers, I’m going to buy his bible right now,” and another guy
will read my articles for years and not do anything to advance his knowledge and expertise?
Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Right there is the core of your problem, boy -- you do
everything half-assed!”

So you’re at the point where you finally need my help. I got news for you, Stan: If you had
memorized my book, you wouldn’t need my help now.

What should be Stanislaus’ next move with Flame?

she rejected you

You tell me that Flame “rejected” you once already. Stan, what in the world are you thinking?
This girl’s already gotten rid of you. You never even got to first base with this babe. Like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Sure, she’s the only woman you’re interested in, but
unfortunately for you, she’s the only woman in the world who’s not interested in you.”

Why were you engaged in a long exchange of messages with this woman? Another mistake.
Instead of all that wasted back-and-forth, you should have just asked her out. Again, you’d
have known exactly what to do if you’d read my book.

she’s just not interested

OK, so you “finally got her to agree” to go out with you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
from East L.A. says, “Did you actually have to twist her arm?” Now listen to what you’re
saying here. You know the old saying about following the line of least resistance being the
best course of action? You do the exact opposite, Stan. To you Psych majors, if you think that
unrelenting pressure works on a woman, this proves the exact opposite.

Then Flame didn’t show up when she was supposed to for your date. Do you know how to
count, Stan? This is twice now that Flame has dumped you. You guys always talk about your
Interest Level, but the only issue of any importance is what her Interest Level -- via her
actions -- says toward you. In case you don’t know, I’ll tell you what it’s saying: She's not
interested in you.
face reality, buddy
Why should Flame contact you after canceling your date? She’s just being consistent. You
need to face reality, buddy. You had two shots at this girl, she hasn’t contacted you since your
canceled date, and what that indicates is that you’re beating a dead horse. Like the great
Doctor Freud once said, “Persistence only works if she has at least 51% Interest Level.”

I don’t know why you’re rationalizing about whether or not this girl saw you and decided to
beat it. Because the point here is actually very simple: It’s a broken date. And Flame even
picked the day and the time for you to get together, so it’s not like you did it and she went
along with it even though it didn’t fit her schedule.

let’s recap…
So what do we have here? You contact a girl online, she calls you a player, accuses you of
trying to smother her, and it’s been all downhill ever since. Stan, you have to face the facts:
This girl has not helped you one iota. She has not done one single thing to tell you that she
likes you, and all you talk about is how she’s the perfect girl. For what? For who? And by the
way, let me point out that Flame accused you of smothering her by just talking to her on the
phone -- you haven’t even gotten together with her yet! Like my cousin Brother Love down in
Watts says, “Yo, dawg, next thing you know, you’ll be in jail for stalking!”

What should you do? You have to get my book and memorize it, Stan. Because what you
would learn in those pages is that the most important factor in any relationship is the female's
interest level, and this girl’s Interest Level in you is 0. ZERO. But your Interest Level in her is
90%, therefore you’re doing what we in psychology call “projection.”

What’s my advice? No offense, guy, but you don’t know the first thing about women.
Absolutely nothing. Nada. Again, get my book and memorize it. And remember, when you
find somebody who likes you, it’s a lot easier than going out with someone who doesn’t like
you.

Remember, guys: Just because you like her doesn’t mean she has to like you back.

Doc Love: Being The Third Wheel

Hey Doc,

I have a certain situation with my current girlfriend of four months, Celeste. We’re great
together, and she’s told me she loves me and I think I’m in love with her also. We do
everything together and have loads of fun.
three’s company
But that’s where the problems start. We only have fun and are great together when we’re not
in the presence of one of her closest friends, who happens to be a guy. They have what I
think is a platonic relationship, but is it natural for a woman to be so concerned with one of
her closest friends to the extent that she would rather sit on his lap or hug and link arms with
him rather than me? And by the way, I’m the one she presumably loves.

I’m perfectly OK with the two of them being together, but sometimes the way she behaves
around him makes me feel like a “temp” boyfriend before she ends up with him. This
situation caused serious problems in our first two months together, and we actually ended
things, but got back together because we had such strong feelings for each other.

birthday bashing
In terms of Celeste’s Interest Level, I would say it’s over 85%. This makes me think that there
should be nothing to worry about, but lately Celeste has been spending more time with this
other guy than with me. It’s Celeste’s birthday next week and I’ve asked her to dinner, but she
already has plans, and guess who they’re with? Surely that’s a cause for concern? Yet,
sometimes I feel selfish for wanting Celeste all to myself.

So how do I deal with a situation like this? Do I end things with someone I love? Or should I
learn to deal with it and stop acting selfish?

I’ll be eternally grateful if you can help me. Thanks, Doc.

Luis - who’s being the third wheel in a relationship

doc love’s answer

Hi Luis,

It always starts out with “everything’s perfect,” doesn’t it? Then the big “BUT” enters the
picture, and it’s all downhill from there. It’s sad, too, because that big “BUT” does not have
to occur. And it doesn’t have to occur if you read and memorize the Dating Dictionary.

your girlfriend’s a lapdog

Now let me make sure I got this straight: Your girlfriend, Celeste, is sitting on another guy’s
lap? Dude, I got news for you: this babe is not your girlfriend. Think about it, Luis. She’s
dying to snuggle up on the lap of another male and you call her your girlfriend? Like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Paisan, you gotta lay off the vino!”
Celeste doesn’t “presumably” love you, guy. She tells you verbally that she loves you, but she
actually loves two guys.

Buddy, you’re not perfectly all right with Celeste and the other guy being together,
otherwise you wouldn’t be writing this letter. And you’re not a temporary boyfriend; you’re
just one of two boyfriends.

Doc Love breaks down being the third wheel in a relationship…

You and Celeste don’t really have strong feelings for each other, pal. That’s not why you got
back together. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You’re together again
with this girl because you’re whipped.”

check your reality at the whipping post

Sure, Celeste’s Interest Level in you is probably about 85%, but like my cousin Brother Love
down in Watts says: “The problem is that her Interest Level is 100% in the other guy.” Yes,
my friend, she’s more interested in your competition, also known as the blocker. And think
about this: Celeste sits in your rival’s lap, she can’t keep her hands off him, she spends more
time with him than with you, and you think she has 85% Interest Level in you. Whoa --
Reality Check Time!

Luis, I don’t have to guess who Celeste has set up her birthday plans with, because I already
know: It’s the guy in the No. 1 position. In other words, it’s not you.

Is this a cause for concern? Guy, the building’s on fire!

lip service with venom

Whatever gave you the idea that there’s something wrong or selfish in wanting a girl all to
yourself? The problem in your case is that this thing was doomed from the beginning. You
should never have gone head-over-heels so quickly for this babe until the other guy was
completely out of the picture. As soon as you caught wind of the other guy, you should have
realized that this girl was stroking you, playing you like a Stradivarius. To you Psych majors,
she’s telling you all the things you want to hear, but her actions say the opposite.

How do you deal with this situation? If I were you, I’d call Celeste up and say: “Listen, baby,
I really think you like your other boyfriend more than you like me, so I want you to spend all
your time with him. And while you’re at it, do me a couple of favors, OK? Forget my name
and forget my phone number.” Then hang up. And when Celeste comes crawling back to
you, just hang up on her. Simple. But you won’t do it. You’re way too soft. Like my Uncle
Jethro Love says: “You’d rather hang around and watch the other boy pet her.”

stroking your ego

Should you end things with someone you love? You’re implying here that Celeste is someone
who actually likes you. You got it all backwards, Luis!

Should you not be selfish when it comes to Celeste? Why not? Like my cousin Rabbi Love
says: “As a matter of fact, I think that you two guys should find a religion that allows for two
husbands and then get married to Celeste.”

Remember, guys: Women are experts at working the man’s ego.

Doc Love: In Love With A Stripper

Hey Doc,

Here’s the situation -- but first let me say that I have dated my fair number of exotic dancers
and know that most of them are easy, sleazy and all about the money. They see you as a dollar
sign standing there in the crowd.

down on perverts row

Anyway, I was out with a friend and we stopped into a go-go bar. I was immediately smitten
with a dancer named Ava. I found out when she was working again and stopped by the club
on my own. We chatted for a bit and I got to know a little more about her. I offered her my
number if she wanted to chat, and she told me she didn’t date customers. I told her that
calling to chat was the perfect way to get to know me. I stopped back another night to watch
her dance and when she came by, I mentioned that I forgot to give her my number last time
and that she probably wasn’t too broken up about it. She said she wasn’t, and then asked for
it.

I didn’t hear from Ava for a week. When I went back to the club, I just played it cool and
when she came by she mentioned that she didn’t call because she lost my number. I said:
“Yeah, right,” and she asked me for the number again. Another week went by and she sent me
a text that she was working and told me to stop by. I did, and she said business was slow. So I
told her that she only wanted me to come because I was a good tipper. She said: “Of course,
it’s all about the money.” I said now that we have established this, I understand how to
proceed.

birthday wishes
Since it was her birthday, I told Ava to make an appointment at a day spa. She asked if I was
going as well, and I told her no, that since it was her birthday present it should be about her.
She texted me with the appointment info and I took care of the payment and I sent white roses
to the spa for her. I called the spa to make sure everything went well and they said it had.
However, I didn’t get a call from Ava thanking me -- nothing. I was a little angry and I didn’t
call or visit her at work. Finally, she sent me a text saying she hadn’t heard from me and
wanted to know if everything was OK. I told her I was a little surprised that I hadn’t heard
from her, not even a thank you. She called and immediately said that she phoned me right
after the spa and it went to my voicemail, then she sent me a text. She said she didn’t know
me that well, but thought it odd that I had not replied since she thought I liked her.

the neon lights down on broadway

Doc, I’m not sure what to believe. I went to the club last week to watch Ava dance and she
stopped by in the middle of her set and asked if I would take her to a Broadway show
since she’s never been to one.

Here’s my question: Does Ava like me or is it about the money? How will I know the
difference? How do I act the nice guy with a little bad boy mixed in to keep her interested? It
seems that when I give a little bad boy she responds.

I need help as I really like this girl and she seems very guarded. I almost believe she
doesn’t date customers. How do I get her to open up and how do I play this going forward?

Barkley - who’s in love with a stripper

doc love’s answer

Hi Barkley,

What I try to do with my principles is make gentlemen. That’s why I tell you guys to model
yourselves after Cary Grant in his movies. You’re telling me here that strippers are sleazy
and you’ve dated a fair amount of them. And by the way, don’t delude yourself: They’re not
“exotic dancers” -- they’re strippers. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “They take off their
clothes to give men certain feelings that they shouldn’t have outside of marriage.” Then you
tell me how much they’re into money. So, what is a classy guy doing dating strippers? Are
you sleazy too, Barkley? Remember the old adage about water seeking its own level?

Doc Love scares Barkley, who’s in love with a stripper, straight…

she’ll take you

I’m sure you were smitten with Ava, pal. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A.
says: “You and everybody else in the crowd that’s walking up and stuffing $50 bills into her
bikini!”

Know why Ava wasn’t broken up about not getting your phone number? Because she has
low Interest Level. And like you said right at the top, you’re just a dollar sign standing there
in the crowd, so what else would you expect?
Why didn’t you ask her for her home phone number? The man always asks for the woman’s
home phone number. He doesn’t hand his number out. What a weak pitch, Barkley. It’s
obvious you don’t have my materials. And if you’re not familiar with my techniques, you
can’t expect to be a success with women.

cool as a fish
You didn’t play it cool when you returned to the club, dude -- you showed up again! In what
universe is that playing it cool?

OK, so Ava had your number and didn’t call. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says:
“Sure, she lost your number -- along with the 38 other business cards she collected that
night.” You should have felt “Yeah, right,” but you shouldn’t have said it to her, because
truly cool guys aren’t uptight and when you say something like that you proved that you’re
uptight. So learn to keep your emotions to yourself.

You went and told her that she only wanted you to come because you’re a good tipper. Why
are you insulting this girl you’re trying to take out? And like my cousin Brother Love down
in Watts says: “To boot, you’re dealing with a sleazeball to begin with, she’s acting like a
sleazeball, and you expect her to have the morals of Mother Teresa?” You should have
understood how to proceed when you walked in the building, Barkley. You must have rocks
in your head.

a sucker’s born every minute

However, you went ahead and treated Ava to a day spa anyway. In other words, you’re going
to foot the bill for a first-class luxury treatment for this girl and you don’t even have one date
in with her. If you had two or three months in with her and she was your girlfriend, this would
have been a wonderful gift -- how thoughtful of you. You haven’t even had a single date with
Ava.

Still, that wasn’t enough. Then you sent Ava roses on top of footing the spa bill. Did you send
a limo to her house with a $250 bottle of champagne too? You didn’t do enough here, guy.

Of course she didn’t thank you. She wasn’t supposed to; men are about money, dummy!
When you’re just doing your duty by giving all kinds of gifts to a woman, you’re not
supposed to expect anything in return. What are you, a user or something? You jerk!

Then you finally got teed off and didn’t visit her at work. Whoa, I bet she lost lots of sleep
over that!

She supposedly sent you two messages thanking you, and neither one got through. Like the
great Doctor Freud once said: “What’s the numerical probability of that happening?”
you’re a cash cow
Ava didn’t know you that well, but she knew you well enough to accept roses and a $200
back rub. She wants to go to a Broadway show? That’s nice. You can throw in a dinner and
blow another 400 smackers on her.

Does Ava like you or is it about the money? The third sentence of your letter says: “they see
men as nothing but money standing there in the crowd.” You yourself made the statement,
Barkley, but your Interest Level in this great girl is 100%, so that realistic assessment has
disappeared from your life. You went from logic and reason to nothing but emotion, and
that’s your problem here. You’ll know the difference about whether Ava likes you for your
money or yourself when you ask her for a Starbucks date.

I’ve got bad news for you: Ava’s not interested in you at all. She looks at you as only an
income-producing machine. Like my cousin General Love says: “Soldier, you don’t have any
bad boy in you. The only thing you know is how to kiss up -- with your wallet.”

You think she’s just “guarded.” Now, I wonder why a stripper would be guarded. How
unusual. She might not date customers, but she sure doesn’t mind taking stuff from them!

What to do? Why don’t you tell Ava you’re going shopping at the Rolls Royce dealership to
pick out a car, and you want to know whether she wants a red or a black one?

Remember, guys: Love is not for sale.

Doc Love: Dating After Divorce

Hey Doc,

I’m 42 years young and I live in Sweden. I’ve been reading your articles and listening to your
radio shows and I just ordered “The System” minutes ago. Great stuff!

I’m rather good-looking, intelligent, somewhat reserved yet witty, and I’m also a fairly
successful singer/songwriter. So women have always come to me. I’ve never really had to
“date” them, just slightly encourage them. Unfortunately, I’m too much of a wimp when it
comes to women to even make my own choices. I just go along with any woman who shows
me some interest and affection. (In other words, if she passes the not-so-hard-to-pass physical
attraction test and I’m not already involved with someone else!) Then I knock myself out to
make things work with her even if there are enough red flags to form a Chinese national
parade.

dumbfounded divorcee
So here I am, coming out of my second divorce after five years of conflicts. My first
marriage lasted 12 passionless years and I have children from both. They live with me part-
time and I’m at peace with their mothers, my ex-wives. Time to move on, yes?

I guess I’ve made all the mistakes that a typical Wimpus Swedus can possibly make. Man, do
I need “The System”!

Three questions:

1. I was never really into dating, not even in my teens. How do I know when I’m ready
to try? How long do I wait after this divorce?
2. I guess it’s internet dating for me now, since I live in a small village (no nice ladies
here but I can’t move away from my kids), bars and clubs aren’t my thing, and you say
that long-distance relationships that I might have when touring with my act won’t
work. However, on the other hand I dislike the idea of exposing my face on dating
sites, since people might recognize me from the papers and television. I don’t want
gossip to be spread. What to do?
3. You often refer to Cary Grant as a role model. But hey, the guy was married five times
and his private life was a mess. Why him?

Dag - who needs to get it right the next time

doc love's answer

Hi Dag,

Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Anytime you have anything to do with
music -- especially if you’re in the band -- you’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes, dude.”

Can Doc Love convince Dag that dating after divorce is alright?...

Dag, you’re a lucky guy and you don’t even realize it. You only have to slightly encourage
women because you have a perfect way to actually meet them. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish”
Love says, “Hey, man, most guys would give their right arm to be in your situation.”

I know you’re a wimp, pal. Most guys are. Which is why 99% of the men who read the
Dating Dictionary actually tell me “Doc, I wish I’d met you sooner!”

learn the dating ropes

You don’t ever have to knock yourself out over a girl, my friend. Once you get my techniques
down, you’re not going to have to expend any undue effort making something work because
the girl’s going to be knocking herself out chasing you and making you happy because you’re
going to finally be a challenge. This is what you don’t understand right now. But that’s OK --
you will once you’ve committed my book to memory.
Is it time to move on? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dawg, it’s mos def
time to move on!” It’s never smart to remain stuck in a bad situation of any kind. But don’t
do any dating until you’ve memorized my materials. And just be happy you met me. Once
you’ve read my book 10 times you’ll be ready to date. How long should you wait after your
divorce is finalized? When you’ve got my principles down cold, wait one day after you get
your divorce papers to get back out there.

be the rock star you are

Long-distance relationships don’t work, period. If the woman moves to your village, that’s
another story. Then you’ve got a shot. The point is this: If you meet a girl in Brussels, and
you’re there a week while on tour, you’re going to be gone the next week. You can’t build a
dating relationship that way. On the other hand, like I said earlier, the good thing is that
you’re able to meet women due to your work. You have to look at that aspect of it as a huge
positive in your life. Billy Joel doesn’t have to worry about where the next one is coming
from. Once Christie Brinkley dumped him, the next one was right there waiting for him.

Dag, actually it’s perfect that people will recognize your face from the papers and TV. That’s
what you want, guy! You want recognition. Again, you’re lucky, since you live in a small
town, that you have a face that’s recognizable. To you Psych majors, if a girl contacts you
because she knows your face, that’s fantastic. It saves you a lot of work and has her coming to
you, right? What could be better than that? And since you’ll know my techniques soon, you
won’t be a wimp anymore and you’ll handle these new babes differently than you did in the
past. Now you’ll be the one in control -- of yourself.

popularity is a good thing

Don’t ever worry about gossip. There’s always going to be gossip. Like my Uncle Jethro
Love says, “Small people love gossip, and there’s always gonna be a lot of small people.” So
get past it. What do you care what other people say or think?

What to do? Get on the internet and show your face.

Dag, I never said that Cary Grant was a role model. Ever. Please don’t misquote me. What I
said was that you guys should study his movies. Big difference! Why him? Because Cary
Grant does everything right in front of the camera. And that’s the only part you’re going to
see. I don’t care if Cary Grant was married 50 times, when he was up on the Big Silver, he
was only married once.

Remember, guys: Until you have my materials down, you don’t have a prayer.
Doc Love: Everyone's Getting Involved

Hey Doc,

I’ve been reading your stuff for a while now. I’ve seen lots of suggestions that have helped
me progress with women. I’m more confident in approaching them, and I know what to look
for when it comes to signs of interest. I look at the shy guy I used to be and I’m glad he’s
gone the way of the dinosaur, but now I have a new problem.

such a good looking boy

Let me set the stage: I’m 25 years old, single and have never once had a serious relationship.
I’ve had a few girls actually chase after me, but they weren’t what I was looking for in a
partner. Lately, as I’m getting older, I have more and more friends (and even a few family
members) questioning why I’m not in a relationship. While I tell them straight out that I just
haven’t found someone who’s right for me, they believe it less and less as time goes on.

everyone’s getting involved

The result of all this is that everyone’s getting involved and more and more people are trying
to match me up with women I’m really not compatible with. If I’m doing something with a
friend who happens to be a woman (even in cases when she’s not single), everyone likes to
jump to the conclusion that she must be interested in something more. If it’s not that, I get
people telling me some women are interested in me when they aren’t exhibiting any sort of
indicators that they are interested, leaving me to wonder if I’m just not noticing things, or if
my friends are reading too far into stuff. The upshot is that now I’m not even sure what I’m
seeing myself!

This may seem trivial to you, but it’s starting to drive me crazy how everyone’s getting
involved. Any help you give me will be greatly appreciated.

Braden - who can’t figure out what to do when everyone’s getting involved

doc love’s answer

Hi Braden,

With the information you’ve picked up so far, look at the improvements you’ve made without
even having “The System.” You’ve only been reading the articles that are floating around in
cyberspace, and you’ve already made light years of progress. Can you imagine how much
further you could go with women if you actually had my book?
no problemo
You don’t really have a new problem here, Braden: You’re just going up to the next level,
that’s all. Since you’re no longer the shy guy you used to be, you’re realizing that you now
have to progress to Stage 2. You’ve developed the ability to approach women and get their
home phone numbers, but now you want something that lasts a little bit longer. You’re
thinking about how many dates you can get with a certain girl, and how far the relationship
can progress, and so on. That’s the normal arc of improvement. So, you’re moving in the right
direction, my friend. However, everyone’s getting involved, which means you have a couple
problems I can help you solve.

Doc Love helps Braden figure out what to do when everyone’s getting involved…

Braden, don’t be intimidated by your friends and family. I want you to discard their opinions
and forget about what they say. When they bring up the subject of women and your lack of a
relationship, the best policy is to give them the silent treatment. When they wait for some kind
of response from you, don’t say anything. Period. Just stare at them until they start talking
again. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “My son, don’t let yourself be influenced or bullied
by people who are trying to get you together with someone when they don’t have your taste.”

unless she’s exceptionally hot

Here’s something else to consider: If your buddies and family don’t believe you when you
tell them the truth about what’s going on with the women you see, why are you letting it
bother you? When they try to match you up with incompatible females, all you have to say is:
“Thanks, but no thanks.” And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Of
course you can always change your mind when they come up with a hot one!”

Do you know what your real problem is, Braden? You don’t listen to yourself. Conversely,
you listen to other people way too much. You’re being pressured to do something you don’t
want to do and it’s not working. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “All this
pressure is just confusin’ you, dawg!”

their intentions are good

Yes, your friends and family are reading far too much into these situations because they want
to see you get together with someone. And this meddling carries its own dangers; it clouds
your brain even more. Like the old Chinese proverb goes: “Sometimes, when you try to help
someone, grasshopper, you end up making everything a lot worse.” If you’re not sure of what
you’re seeing anymore, Braden, you need to memorize my principles in order to clear your
vision. After you’ve become an expert of my methods and you stop paying attention to your
friends and family, you’ll be much better off.

Another problem is that you’re way too close to all these people and they’re trying to run your
life. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “This does not help you see the forest through the trees,
boy.” Like I said before, when they start badgering you again in the future, just ignore them
and don’t say a word. Like my cousin General Love says: “This is one time you don’t have to
feel the need to defend yourself, soldier.”

break the chains…

Even though you’re just 25 years young, Braden, you should be all grown-up. Like my cousin
Sal “The Fish” Love says: “By that age, you should know enough not to listen to people who
give out bad advice.” And like the great Doctor Freud once said: “For some mysterious reason
these people have a psychological hold on you.”

Break the hold, Braden. It’s your only hope of going forward.

Remember, guys: When it comes to dating and love, don’t listen to other people -- listen to
me.

Doc Love: Stuck In The Smoking Section

Hey Doc,

First of all, let me thank you for the 21st century bible you wrote for the modern man. Your
“System” was good for my love life, and not only that -- it has also made me a better man.

But I have a problem and need your coaching. I’ve been dating a girl, Solange, who shows all
the right traits: she’s caring, a giver, flexible, and we always laugh together. Her parents love
me, and I think her mother is pushing her toward catching me. Her mother has confided that
her daughter tells her a lot about me.

Solange and I share the same Latin dance class, and in the last few weeks, she’s been
exclusive in her dancing with me. I’ve kept by your book, stayed cool, light and funny as per
your rules, and I feel her interest level is rising. When we dance she gives me the long and
deep look of a woman who’s interested and likes the man in front of her.

so where's the catch?

All good? Alas, no: There’s something rotten, not in Denmark, but in her lungs. Solange is a
smoker, a pretty heavy one, as are many women nowadays. This throws me completely for a
loop. First of all, I can’t kiss her because I can’t stand the smell of smoke, even in her hair.
On top of it all, being a smoker is very bad. I don’t want the potential mother of my children
to die of lung cancer and leave orphans behind. But she has told me that she will stop
smoking
once she has a baby.

Doc, I’m running out of options. Ultimatums don’t work, I agree with you, and I have already
mentioned to her that I don’t like girls who smoke and that smoking is bad. Solange agrees,
but says she likes it. You said ultimatums work only on girls with high Interest Level, so
should I go for it?

stuck in the smoking section

I have considered telling Solange outright that I like her but that smoking is blocking me and
I’m giving up on her, but I fear this could disrupt both Challenge and Mystery. I also
considered telling her that I’m starting to like someone else because she always seems
concerned that some other woman is pursuing me, and maybe jealousy and competition could
drive her to quit smoking, but I fear this could backfire as she could just as well back off
completely.

So what can I do, Doc? I’ve found a potential and rare sweetheart but I don’t want smoke to
ruin this chance -- I’ve lost too many in the past.

Byard - who doesn’t want to die of lung cancer

doc love's answer

Hi Byard,

Thanks for the compliment. And yes, it’s true: the principles of “The System” do carry over
to other parts of your life. When you use my techniques, you will notice many positive
effects, especially in the business arena, and you’ll likewise notice that you’ll relate to other
men with more confidence.

Before we get directly into your problem, I want to remind you to let Solange’s mother tell
you all about her daughter’s Interest Level in you, but don’t you tell her anything about your
Interest Level or your relationship with Solange. Keep your mouth shut about her daughter
other than saying that she’s a great girl. Divulging anything else about the situation is an
invitation to trouble.

There’s no question whatsoever that you have a hold on this woman’s interest. Like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “When a babe gives you a long and deep look, it’s
not because of low Interest Level.”

Doc Love gives Byard the goods on getting out of the smoking section after the break...

Byard, you make really excellent arguments against smoking here. It’s great that you’re
dissecting all these negatives in such fine detail. And what it shows is that you’re thinking in
the long term about whether or not this girl is a potential keeper. Good work, pal. Like the
great Doctor Freud once said, “The more detached you are when picking apart your
relationship with a woman, the less liable you are to make a terrible mistake.”

But Solange tells you that she’s going to stop smoking when she has a baby. Is she saying
that she’s going to smoke while she’s pregnant? I hope not! What sense would that make?
Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “That would be like closing the barn door after the horse
gets out, boy!”

Of course Solange likes smoking – she wouldn’t do it if she didn’t like it. And like my cousin
Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “When she digs it that much, she’s what you call a
total addict.”

So don’t go for the ultimatum, guy. It’s not going to have the outcome you want. And forget
about Challenge and Mystery right now. You’ve got a massive problem on your hands
because smoking is a deal-breaker for you. Think of it this way: If Solange backs off
completely if you use jealousy and competition to try and force her to quit smoking, what are
you really losing? You’re only losing a smoker.

smoke her out

What can you do in your situation? First of all, ideally you want Solange to want to quit
smoking because she knows it’s not good for her. But that’s not even an issue here because
you have a girl who’s addicted to tobacco.

Secondly, you could give her an ultimatum, but then she’ll be smoking behind your back,
which is the problem with issuing an ultimatum in this particular case. Let’s face it, my
friend: this girl’s not going to give up her Marlboro Lights. She might lie about it, which just
creates another problem.

Thirdly, you could date other women and let Solange see it. When she asks you why you like
a certain girl, you can come back with “Well, the main reason I like her is because she
doesn’t smoke!” Hopefully she’ll take the hint, ask you to stop going out with other girls and
give up her nasty habit.

the bottom line

But dude, I think what you really need to do is just drop the girl. And that’s your fourth
choice. Tell her, “Baby, if you ever quit smoking, give me a ring.” But again, the problem
with this approach is that she’s going to lie to you and puff away behind your back. Like my
cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dawg, it’s a lose-lose situation.”

Remember, guys: if there’s a deal-breaker involved, you have to have the guts to walk away.
Doc Love: She's Flirting Online

Hey Doc,

I’ve been dating Desiree for nine months now, and up until recently, we’ve had a great time
together. She’s strikingly attractive and has a friendly, outgoing personality, which I like
because I’m more of an introvert. I’d also say that she is a Flexible Giver, which I know you
think goes a long way in a relationship.

So what’s wrong? In a nutshell it’s this: Desiree has this thing where she e-mails other guys
who get in touch with her on her MySpace page. I’ve also learned that she calls some of them
up. She has done this many times, and she doesn’t talk to me about it. I find this infuriating
because I don’t know what’s going on between her and these men. When I complained about
this behavior, she looked at me like I was nuts and said that nothing was going on, she’s just a
sociable person and these contacts are just the result of having a MySpace page.

has she crossed the line?

Now Doc, I am a jealous and insecure person by nature, which I know goes against “The
System.” So I have recently sought counseling in order to mend my ways and become a
better man because Desiree has made me feel that our conflicts over this MySpace issue are
basically my fault.

So here’s my question: If Desiree doesn’t tell me about these conversations and

correspondences she has with these guys and keeps them a secret to protect my feelings, does
that make it right? Am I overreacting in this situation? Am I being too nosy when it comes to
Desiree’s computer and phone habits? Should I mind my own business and respect her
privacy?

Thanks for any coaching you can give me, Doc. I’m really feeling upset about what’s going
on here and worried about my future with Desiree.

Clive - who’s tortured in Toronto

doc love's answer

Hi Clive,

You mention that this girl of yours is a Flexible Giver, which presumably means her Interest
Level in you is high. But what troubles me, pal, is that you didn’t mention Integrity, which is
made up of Honesty, Loyalty and Trust. If Desiree is talking to lots of other men, do you feel
that’s something that really demonstrates the quality of Loyalty?

Read on for Doc Love’s advice for Clive…

Now let me get this straight. Desiree is writing to other guys and calling them up on the
phone when she’s in love with you? That’s what you’re telling me here? Whoa. Like my
cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dawg, I’d hate to see what she’d do if she didn’t
dig you!” The truth of the matter is this: This girl’s Interest Level in you is 55% and she’s not
in love with you. And the problem here is that your Interest Level is 90% or above.

I know you’re worried about what’s going with all these other guys, but it doesn’t make any
difference what’s going on with all these other guys. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love
says, “The problem is, they’re guys!”

she's in control
All women, especially when they resemble Katherine Heigl, look at you like you’re nuts
when you bust them. They don’t say “You know what, honey, you’re right -- I’ve been
talking to 13 guys on the computer and that’s being disloyal to you. I’m not going to do it
anymore!” You don’t really expect that to come out of Desiree’s mouth, do you? And you
know why it won’t? Because she’s a hot chick, that’s why. She’s got all the power here.

It’s a half-truth to assert that being jealous and insecure goes against “The System.” To you
Psych majors out there, it’s okay to be jealous and insecure if that’s the way you feel. But you
just can’t act upon it verbally with your girlfriend. You don’t show her that you’re jealous and
insecure because it immediately puts you in a position of weakness. It’s okay to confide in
your dog and your best friend that you’re out of your mind with jealousy, but you’re not
going to be insecure with your girlfriend. And the only way you can show her that you’re all
bent out of shape by what she’s doing is by opening your mouth. So keep it SHUT.

she's pulled a fast one

But instead of completely losing your Self-Control, you’ve gone and paid a shrink to help
you straighten yourself out. This is just beautiful! Desiree’s the one talking to other guys on
the sly, she’s the one who’s got a problem with Loyalty, but she’s telling you that it’s your
problem. Man, is this girl sharp or what? Are you sure she’s not one of Phil Spector’s defense
attorneys?

No, trying to “protect your feelings” doesn’t make what Desiree’s doing right. Like my cousin
Rabbi Love says, “If somebody robs a bank and nobody knows who did it, that still doesn’t
make it right!” You’re not overreacting to this whole situation, guy, so go easy on yourself.
But rather than try and talk with Desiree about it or pay a shrink, though, you should have
dropped her. But of course that didn’t enter your mind because you don’t have my materials
memorized. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You’d much rather be
a doormat.”

My friend, it’s not wrong for you to be nosy about what your girlfriend is up to when she’s
doing stuff behind your back. Like my cousin General Love says, “It’s okay to be a sneak
when you’re dealing with someone who’s a traitor.” Therefore there’s absolutely no point in
minding your own business and respecting Desiree’s privacy. These are non-issues, Clive.
Stop torturing yourself, dude. You know what you have to do.

Remember, guys: When she wants to talk to other guys via the computer that means she can’t
be in love with you.

Doc Love: Confused By Her Double-Talk

Hey Doc,

Here’s the situation: A few months back I met Rosalee. She’d just gotten out of a 12-year
marriage and had trust issues with men. She had a male best friend who lived with her, and
she claimed it was strictly platonic. This guy works on offshore rigs here in Louisiana and is
gone a good deal of the time.

she’s hiding her heart

When we were just starting to date, the relationship was hard. Rosalee would never go on
dates with me or even give me the time of day. The most I got were a few text messages and
phone calls here and there. During this time, my father passed away and the only person there
for me was Rosalee. While she had extreme trust issues, she told me that she liked me and
made a trip out to my job just to see me. We spent some time together and got romantic, but
she would always hide the fact that we were dating from the world. I noticed that when her
platonic roommate would call her, she would dart off to another room or go outside to talk to
him.

In any event, we carried on with our relationship until her roommate came back onshore.
Everything halted for us and she began to go everywhere with him. She blew off our planned
weekend together so she could vacation with him. She knew I was upset, and she called me to
talk about it, but she went anyway.

When she returned, Rosalee seemed attached to me and wanted to be around me more often,
just not in front of her roommate. It turned out that the roommate told her that he loved her
more than just as a friend and wanted to be her boyfriend. She told me that this made her
uncomfortable, but she still seemed to like him more than me. Eventually, he went back
offshore and she wanted to spend more time with me. Now, I’m confused by her double-talk.

together 4 ever
Rosalee always tells me that I am the one, her soul mate, and that we are meant to be together
forever. She told me she was over her commitment issues and wanted us to be together, but
she still hides our relationship from her friends and told her platonic roommate that I was only
a friend as well.

Recently, Rosalee said a family member broke her heart and that she felt numb, but she told
me she loved me and that we were still an item. However, she has not texted me or returned
any of my text messages. I’m at a point where I don’t know if I want to be with this girl or
if she’s worth the time wasted.

What should I do, and how should I go about doing it? The last time we talked, Rosalee and I
were in a relationship, but I’m confused by her double-talk and I can’t figure her out. Please
help me.

Dane - who’s confused by her double-talk

doc love’s answer

Hi Dane,

OK, so Rosalee has trust issues with men. Right off the bat, you’re telling me that this girl has
Scars and Baggage, as opposed to some other women who don’t have these dangerous
problems with men. So, this raises the question: Why would you pick this girl? Like the old
cowboy saying goes: “You were in trouble before you even got started!”

Since Dane is confused by her double-talk, Doc Love is going to give it to him straight up…

double-talk is double trouble

Not only that, but she was living with a guy. I’m sure it was strictly platonic on her part, but
what about him? To boot, he’s gone lots of the time, which means they have time to miss
each other!

You say the relationship was hard at first. Dane, I’m shocked! Why should the fact that
Rosalee has major issues with men and lives with one make it tough from the get-go? What
am I missing here?

On a serious note, and to you Psych majors: If it’s hard, you shouldn’t be there. Relationships
should be easy. You know when they’re easy? When the woman’s Interest Level starts out at
least in the low 70s. But, dude, you’ve got a basket case here and her Interest Level was low
from the outset. That’s a big problem.

the thrill of the chase

Heck, this girl wouldn’t even go out with you at first. That should have told you something.
Yet, you didn’t leave when Rosalee wouldn’t give you the time of day. You kept chasing her,
believing that persistence somehow can raise Interest Level, when this woman’s Interest
Level was clearly hovering below 50%. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “It ain’t never
gonna work, boy!”

Nevertheless, getting just a few text messages and calls was enough to keep you in line,
wasn’t it, Dane? This babe worked your ego with the skill of an acclaimed artist, by keeping
you dangling on the line and never really telling you where you stood. Like the old Chinese
saying goes: “This one’s brilliant, grasshopper!”

You claim Rosalee was there for you in a time of grief. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from
East L.A. says: “Why are you bringing your dead father into a relationship with a psycho
case?” And by the way, notice that now she’s got “extreme” trust issues?

impressed by a crapper
Still, you’re impressed that Rosalie drove all the way out to your place of employment. Wow,
she actually visited you at work? That erases all the other crappy stuff she’s pulled on you.
Awesome, pal!

She might pay you a visit, but she hides the fact that you two are dating from the world. Like
my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “Well, dawg, that just shows how proud she is
of her new boyfriend!” Hey, it’s obvious to me!

Rosalee darts out when she talks to her roommate? Well, I’ll tell you why that is, guy. When
she’s whispering romantically to him she doesn’t want to do it in front of you and hurt your
feelings. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “What do you think this girl is, a sadist?”

offshore drilling
Then, when the platonic friend came back, she dropped you like a hot potato and went
everywhere with him. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Any chance she likes him
more than you?” Of course not. The sad part of this is that you’re hanging around like a little
scared puppy dog panting for scraps. Like my cousin General Love says: “Like most men,
you’re waiting for scraps because you’re weak.”

It’s also obvious to me that when Rosalee goes on vacation with the other guy, she can’t wait
to get back to her true love, who is you. Dane, she won’t show you off in front of him because
she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings, get it? See how sensitive she is?

It’s just splendid that Rosalee wants to spend more time with you when Mister Platonic is out
looking for oil in the Gulf of Mexico, because then you can get your time in with her. What a
setup -- for her! Man, this girl is sharp! Still, she insists that she wants you to be her soul
mate forever. Uh, Dane, when she says this stuff, does she pass the bong to you too?

Here’s my theory: This babe won’t tell anybody about your relationship because she’s really a
double agent -- she’s working both sides of the street. The good thing is that you know about
it, but the bad thing is that you don’t dump her. Why? Because you’re a glutton for
punishment. And your Self-Esteem is down in the sewer.

persistent pansy
Now, at the end of all this back-and-forth, Rosalee’s not even returning your messages.
Buddy, when they don’t return text messages, that means they’re deeply in love with you.
Duh. You just go on being persistent like all the other idiots, and you’ll eventually wear her
down. Uh, right.

Actually, my friend, this girl is very easy to figure out. She’s a mess and she’s going out with
two turkeys, and both of them are so weak that neither of them has the guts to tell her no --
and that’s the biggest problem in America today. It’s not the economy; it’s not the terrorists;
its the fact that when a man likes a woman, 90% of the time he becomes a weakling.

Remember, guys: When a woman has a male roommate, you should be smelling a rat.

Doc Love: Married But Needing Variety

Hey Doc,

First of all, let me say that I have not read “The System” and I don’t know how any of this is
going to apply. I just wanted to get that out of the way.

So here’s my situation: I’ve been married for 25 years to a wonderful woman who is a
supportive and giving person, the best I’ve ever met. What’s the problem? Well, in a word,
it’s boredom. Before you attack me for what I’m going to tell you, please consider that there
must be millions of guys in my position, which is happily married but needing variety.

cheating with dignity

Now, I would never even consider cheating on my wife with someone in the neighborhood or
one of her friends, but there is an online organization -- I won’t say the name -- that promises
discreet affairs with a like-minded woman. Everything is supposed to be thoroughly screened,
etc. I decided to shell out a few bucks and join. To make a long story short, I got hooked up
with “Angelina” and we exchanged some e-mails. Now we have a date to meet in a few days
to begin what we both assume will be a no-strings-attached, harmless, completely secret and
discreet extramarital relationship.

I thought I wanted to go through with this, but now I find myself very anxious, almost panic-
stricken with chest pains, at the thought. It’s not that I don’t want to meet Angelina, don’t
get me wrong. It’s more that it feels very dangerous and I hope I know what I’m doing.

bored of the bride

Doc, what do you think of a guy who is married but needing variety and getting involved in
something like this? Don’t we all deserve some variety in life when our primary relationship
has petered out, but is still worth saving? This is a very difficult dilemma for me. If you were
me, would you go ahead and meet Angelina?

Thanks in advance for any help you might be able to give me.

Fernando - who is happily married but needing variety.

doc love’s answer

Hi Fernando,

What you’re saying right up front is that you don’t know where I’m coming from since you
haven’t read my book. Let me explain to you where I’m coming from: When you meet a
keeper, you’ll want to stay with her and keep her happy for the rest of your life so she never
falls out of love with you. That’s what “The System” is all about.

the truth about marriage

Now, let me explain something else to you, pal. Like the old Chinese saying goes: “Boredom
is part of marriage, grasshopper.” You might not want to hear that part of it, but it’s true.
When you’re married for a long time to someone, you’re going to get bored -- that’s part of
the deal. You just have to tough it out, otherwise you shouldn’t get married. Like my cousin
Rabbi Love says: “The problem is that nobody tells you that.” Sappy love songs and TV
shows sell the idea that marriage is fun and games and sex every five minutes. The reality,
however, is something much different.

Of course there are millions of guys in your fix, Fernando. The difference between you and
the vast majority of married men is that they don’t do anything about it. And the ones who do
do something about it are making a huge mistake, because they are breaking a contract.

Doc Love has more advice for the guy who is married but needing variety…

discretion guaranteed
Yet, you’re proud of the fact that you’re not going to cheat on your wife with one of her
friends. Now wait a minute here. You’re trying to make this deception sound like the right
thing to do because you’re not going to do it with the divorcee next door? Dude, you’re
twisting the truth. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “What you’re really doing is trying
to ease your guilt.”

I know what you think you’re going to have with this so-called “discreet affair,” but there’s
one word in your description of what’s going to happen that’s a big, fat lie: harmless. What
you’re about to do with this Angelina is anything but harmless. You’re making a big
mistake, Fernando, if you really think this sleazy little rendezvous doesn’t hurt anyone. It not
only hurts your lovely wife, it hurts you by eroding your own Self-Respect. And like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “And don’t forget to watch out for diseases --
the ones you can bring home to your wife.”

anxious adulterer
All of this wonderful romantic intrigue has given you the symptoms of a heart attack. Your
body is trying to tell you something here, guy, and what it’s telling you is that you’re about to
do a big no-no. It shows me you’re basically a good guy because you’ve got a conscience, but
you’re getting chest pains because you’re about to -- excuse the expression -- “screw over” a
woman who’s been a good and loving wife to you for 25 years. But because you’re bored
you’re going to take it out on her. Deep down, that bothers you, Fernando. That’s what your
aches and pains are shouting out to you.

You feel that you don’t know what you’re doing because you don’t know what you’re doing.
What you’re about to do feels dangerous because it is dangerous. To you Psych majors,
you’re playing with fire when you commit adultery. In the Good Book it says: “Thou shalt
not commit adultery,” and you’re going to commit that sin because you’re merely bored.
Think about it, Fernando. Like my cousin General Love says: “Soldier, you always have to
calculate whether the danger is worth the reward.”

What do I think about what you’re doing? I think it’s very bad for a guy to get involved in
something like this. One minute you’re telling me you have a great relationship with your
wife and the next you’re telling me you’re trying to save it. Part of living with anybody -- I
don’t care if it’s your dog or your best buddy -- after you see her every day for 25 years, is
boredom. Boredom is going to set in at some point. If you had my book and you learned how
not to be boring -- or bored -- with your wife, you’d be doing a lot better with your marriage
and you wouldn’t be thinking about joining this upstanding organization for sinners.
cancel the catastrophe
If I were you, I’d get in touch with Angelina and cancel this assignation. And get out of that
adulterers’ club while you’re at it. You’ve given your name and vital information to an
organization whose reason for existing is underhanded. Let me ask you a question: How
would you feel if you found out your wife joined this organization? Like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says: “If you knew she was catting around, then maybe your life wouldn’t be so
boring, huh?”

Remember, guys: If you want to commit adultery, get divorced first.

Doc Love: Blindsided By Love

Hey Doc,

It will surprise you to know that your material is indeed the truth! I live in Africa and your
techniques work here as well as they do in America.

I met Ebony during my first year in school. She seemed interested in me and was always
finding reasons to hang out with me. I asked her out after being a Challenge, and she told me
she’d like to be with me but she had problems with her current boyfriend that she needed to
resolve. I simply put her out of my mind and moved on.

sophomore seduction
Well, in my second year of school she came on strong, telling me she always liked me and
even though she blew her chance with me the first time around she still wanted us to be
together. She was all over me, maybe even blindsided by love. I’d even rate her Interest Level
at that point to be in the 90s. I asked her out, and we’ve been dating for nine months now.
Ebony even said she wanted to have my babies and started talking about marriage.

About a month ago she started calling me less and being a little distant. I followed your
teachings and backed off. This pattern continued for a while and after confronting her, she
said she was doing it on purpose to see if I’d call her, which I didn’t. I talked to her about her
behavior and she said she wasn’t herself and that I should give her time. I even went to the
extent of accusing her of not being interested in me anymore and she denied it. The last time I
confronted her about the situation she cried and started talking about marriage again -- as if
she was blindsided by love once again.

digital detective
A few days ago I was using her computer when I discovered photographs of her and another
guy that she’d cleverly hidden. I confronted her about it and she got angry that I went
snooping. Doc, I’m fed up with this situation and urgently need your advice on this one.

Usman - who feels blindsided by love or something

doc love’s answer

Hi Usman,

Actually, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that my principles work in Africa as well as in
America. “The System” cuts across all geographical, cultural, religious, and sociological
boundaries”. Every woman from Montana to Madagascar wants a guy who is a humorous
Challenge. That’s what my program will make you.

usman has a pair

It’s not that Ebony had problems with her current boyfriend that was a big red flag, pal, it was
the mere fact that she had a boyfriend in the first place. Whether or not they were getting
along was not the issue and beside the point. Their problems had nothing to do with you. I’m
glad, however, that you put her out of your mind and moved on. Like my cousin Fast Eddie
Love from East L.A. says: “That shows some cojones, as we say here in America.”

Was Usman’s girl really blindsided by love or did she just lose interest?

It was wonderful that Ebony’s Interest Level the second time around was in the 90s, but that’s
exactly when it becomes difficult. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “You have to
make sure that the ether doesn’t wear off.” To you Psych majors, that means that you have to
keep her Interest Level in the 90s. That’s what my techniques are about. Ninety percent of
American -- and African -- males can get a girl to fall in love with them, but it’s keeping the
Interest Level way up high that’s the tough part. But, Ebony did start talking about marriage
and babies. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. So far; so good.

complacent with the devil

Then something happened. When she called less and started acting distant, it meant her
Interest Level was dropping. In turn it signified one of two things: First, that her Interest
Level never really reached the 90s and that you overrated it. Or second, like a lot of guys who
get “The System” and have a little success with it, you got sloppy and lazy. You said to
yourself: “Hey, this girl is already talking about marriage and babies. What the heck do I need
Doc Love for?” And like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “That’s the little devils
talking in your ear, dawg.”

Your response to this crisis was confrontation. Usman, you NEVER confront a woman. If you
read my book, you know that confrontation doesn’t work. You’re supposed to back off, and
backing off is nonverbal. You’re supposed to show the girl by your actions that you mean
business. You never sit down and discuss why her Interest Level is dropping. Begging her for
attention at that critical point will only make things worse.

interested women don’t test men

The result of your confrontation was that Ebony tried to convince you that she was just testing
you. My friend, women who have an Interest Level in the 90s do not test their men.

However, you went ahead and confronted her again, and this time she said you had to give her
time. Whenever you hear such dreaded phrases as “Give me time” or “Give me space” or
“Give me some distance,” etc., it’s Womanese for “You’re on your way out!”

Of course Ebony’s going to deny that she’s not interested in you, Usman -- because it’s the
truth. As the great Doctor Freud once said: “Women don’t deny a lie -- they just deny the
truth.” Don’t forget that even if she’s not interested in you anymore, she wants to keep you
dangling because it’s good for her ego to have men chasing her.

waffling emotions and women

After yet another confrontation, she cried and talked about marriage. Hey, this is great! One
second she’s withdrawing from you, and five minutes later she’s talking about marriage.
That’s called inconsistent behavior -- a real good sign that everything’s going well!

Then came the coup de grace: You found photos of another guy. Oh, you mean there’s
another man lurking in the background? You mean she forgot to erase the pictures of her
draped all over that other guy? Wow! This girl is just loaded with integrity! She’s a real
keeper!

Dude, you handled this situation all wrong by continually confronting Ebony verbally.
Remember what I say in my book: You can never win an argument with a woman, so don’t
waste your time.

Remember, guys: When you find secret photos of her with another guy, you know it’s over.

Doc Love: Long-Distance Love

Hey Doc,

I recently started to pursue Catrina, a girl I know from college. Yeah, I can hear you saying
“disaster” already. Not so. In college we were not much more than friends. We had classes
together, worked on projects together, but I never gave her the time of day beyond that. I
played the “I’ve got more important things to do, other women to see” role. I knew that I
wanted her, but didn’t want her to think I was interested in her just because she’s beautiful.

Anyway, six months went by and I ran into her at an unplanned social occasion. She and I hit
the right chords and have seen each other a couple of times since. I’ve told her things like,
“Beautiful women are very common. What’s rare is a great outlook, energy and personality.”
It just so happens that she has all these. She talks about the future a lot and so far it has been
great. Beautiful, right? Well, here’s the hitch. I live a couple hours away from Catrina.

staying on her mind

She has lots of male friends, but jealousy is not a factor for me because I’m confident. But
I’m not stupid enough to think that these other guys don’t have the same thing on their minds
that I do. Catrina knows I have other options out there and I know that she does too.

So, how do I stay in the forefront of Catrina’s mind when I see her only maybe once every
three or four weeks? We always say we hope to see each other sometime soon and part ways
without planning anything. While trying to keep myself in the forefront of her mind, how do I
do so in a way that says, “I’m interested but not hung up on you?” The reason I ask this is
because I don’t want to get all wussy on her and push her away.

Anyway, Doc, if you can help it would be great.

Warwick - who’s long-distance love is causing some strife

doc love’s answer

Hi Warwick,

The reason I would say you might be flirting with disaster from the get-go with Catrina is
because you’re dealing with a young girl here, an 18 to 22 year old. And you know how I feel
about them -- they’re not grown up yet. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “When
they’re babies, they’re nothing but big trouble.”

following the system

The role you played with this girl when you were in college was absolutely fantastic. I can’t
emphasize enough how great it was. If more guys would grasp the following ideas -- not
showing your hand, playing it cool and allowing the woman to have time to come on with you
first -- they would do a lot better in the dating game. And not displaying that you were in love
with Catrina just because she’s beautiful was admirable on your part -- as if she didn’t know
that already. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “When they look like
Beyonce, don’t think they don’t know it, dawg.”

Can Warwick make his long-distance love work? Read on…

But I have to ask you this question, Warwick: Why in the world didn’t you ask this girl out as
soon as school was over? Why did you let six months go by before asking her for a date? Like
my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You gotta make a move, man -- this chick
could have been married by the time you got around to opening your mouth.”

We know that Catrina is a beauty, and now you say she has all these other wonderful qualities
that make her a definite keeper. Dude, I’m getting jealous just sitting here reading your letter!
But hold on a minute. You’ve only had a couple of dates with this girl? My friend, you can’t
be thinking about a relationship with Catrina. You don’t have nearly enough time in with her.
If you had pitched her when your class was over, you would already have had six months in
with her. Like my cousin General Love says: “If you’d taken early action, you would have
had a strong beachhead established by now, soldier.” But you didn’t, and that’s why you’re in
the situation you’re in.

slipping through his fingers

Here’s another thing. If you’d have asked Catrina out earlier, you would have found out
where she was going to be living and you wouldn’t have been blindsided by the perplexing
distance issue. You would have known where she was going and when or whether she was
coming back.

Being confident is a great thing. And the way you get and maintain Confidence is by
memorizing “The System.” You’re going to need it, buddy. You’re going to have a lot of
competition, because these male friends of Catrina’s are going to be asking her out to
Starbucks for coffee every night when you’re not around. Why wouldn’t she be tempted?
You’re not around. And you only have two dates in with her. If you’d dated Catrina for those
six months after school ended, you would have had solid time in with her. Warwick, I don’t
understand how you could be so sharp in so many other areas and yet you waited around with
Catrina. As the sales manager said to the salesman: “You didn’t ask for the order.”

Of course you and Catrina have other options. You’re a sharp guy and she’s a Beautiful
Woman. So, you’re both going to have lots of choices, which are good, since you can’t stay in
the forefront of Catrina’s mind when you only see each other occasionally. But I’ll do my best
to help you in your predicament.

take initiative
When Catrina says that she wants to see you again “soon” when you’re on your dates, she’s
asking you to set something up. Why don’t you ask her out, pal, instead of keeping things
vague and indefinite? To you Psych majors, when they live far away, you’re forced to go
against “The System.” At the very least, what you should do after you see her is phone her
five days later and plan something definite.

How should you play it? Abide by my book and you won’t have any problems at all. What
you didn’t tell me in your letter is how long this girl is going to be living so far away from
you. Is her living situation permanent? Where does her family live? Does she have plans to
move closer to you? You left out key information that would have enabled me to give you a
much stronger plan of action here.

Because you only have two dates in with Catrina and she lives a hundred miles away, you
have to face the fact that there are going to be too many guys hitting on this girl. Like my
cousin Rabbi Love says: “I don’t care how great you are, my son, those other fellows are
going to be able to get time in with Catrina behind your back.”

Remember, guys: Unless you utilize my principles on a consistent basis, the odds will be
stacked against you.

Doc Love: Maintain Challenge When You Have A Crush

Hey Doc,

I’m a faithful reader of your columns, and I’ve just ordered your book and I’m waiting for it
to arrive. I’ve read several books by other love doctors and so I somewhat understand
“Challenge” and other concepts that seem to be common to you all. I have absolutely no
problem getting girls or even dating them, but it’s usually when I’m emotionally detached.
However, I always get stumped when I end up having a crush on a girl. I am in a predicament
right now and would love your advice.

i want to eat my cake

I just started work in a new city where I met Maddie, who went to the same college as me.
We both now happen to work for the same company, although on different projects so we
hardly get to see each other on the job. However, we do talk online via internal instant
messenger and have lunch together as often as possible. We always go to happy hours
together and leave together. We hang out on the weekends and have made out on numerous
occasions. However, we’ve talked about dating and she says that she’s not looking for a
relationship and that she still has feelings for her ex, who lives 30 minutes away. They dated
for three years and only recently broke up, but still “see” each other. Now, via her friends and
from her saying it, I know Maddie really likes me and is somewhat interested in me, but I
want it to be more than that since I have a major crush on her.

maintain challenge when you have a crush

I have tried being a Challenge to Maddie by not talking to her for a few days, but we always
end up doing something together. Also, I figured that to get over her I need to cut her out of
my life, but then I think hey, I’m potentially losing a real good friend here because I can’t
keep my emotions in check.

My question is this: What should I do? Should I do things to make Maddie more interested in
me? Should I stop making out with her when we go out? Or should I cut her out of my life
entirely or even just come right out and tell her I like her?

This is probably longer than you’re used to, but I’m in dire need of coaching.

Jolyon - who’s confused in the Northwest and having trouble maintaining challenge
when he has a crush

doc love’s answer

Hi Jolyon,

Ordering my book is the best thing you have ever done in your life, because after you
memorize my principles, women will never look at you in the same way again.

Before we move on, I have to correct you on something. Very few other love doctors out
there mention Challenge, but I’m happy that you’ve got some understanding of the concept.

keep your emotions in check

Now, let’s move on to your situation. My techniques teach you how to remain emotionally
detached when your Interest Level is in the 80s or more. That’s the hard part for guys, and
that’s what you have to learn. To you Psych majors: When your Interest Level is 55%, dating
a girl is no big deal and it’s easy to be cool. When your Interest Level is shooting above the
stars, however, that’s when the going gets tough and the entire enterprise becomes a lot more
difficult. And Jolyon, don’t use the word “love” anymore; try “like” instead.

Doc Love teaches Jolyon how to maintain challenge when you have a crush…

If you want Maddie to be your girlfriend, you shouldn’t be texting her and hanging out with
her every night of the week. Let’s face it, man, since Maddie is spending all kinds of time
with you and you’re making out with her, it looks like she’s your girlfriend -- but there’s a
bad part. She’s not looking for a relationship. I’ll bet you were the one who brought the
subject up, right? Massive mistake. Why are you talking seriously about a relationship? Like
my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Keep your mouth shut about heavy stuff and keep
taking her out and making her laugh.”

don’t talk about other men

There’s something else in the mix here. She still has feelings for her ex. So, now we have a
huge problem. My friend, you brought this down on yourself. If you had given the situation
time and continued to just go out with Maddie, she would have gotten rid of this other guy.
You, however, had to open your big mouth and bring him up, and she decided that she wanted
to keep him. Why are you talking about other men? Worse, she still sees this guy. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “So, now she’s making out with two dudes,
right?”

You’re not just talking to Maddie; you’re also talking to her friends. Why are you yapping to
this girl’s friends about your love life? Man, you got a lot to learn. Gosh, every time you
turn around you’re doing something else wrong.

Of course Maddie’s somewhat interested in you. She’s going out with you all the time, isn’t
she? But we have a boyfriend lurking in the background. That’s a major no-no. So, don’t
indulge your major crush on Maddie. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Until the other turkey
is gone, you ain’t goin’ nowhere.”

crushing temptation
You end up doing things with Maddie all the time because you’re weak. And your Interest
Level is 88%. If it were 55%, you’d tell her no, I can’t hang out with you tonight because I’m
busy. But like most other weak guys, you’d rather die before you did that.

Jolyon, you have to figure out what you want from this girl: Do you want to be her good
friend or her boyfriend? You’re not going to settle for being a good friend to Maddie. You
don’t want to be her good friend. Why are you even bringing that term up? Face the truth:
You want to be Maddie’s boyfriend and you want the ex to be gone. So why are you
mumbling about being a good friend? Forget friendship.

Here’s what you do: Cut down on the amount of time that you see Maddie until she’s asking
you to do things with her. And stop making out with her. Just kiss her on the doorstep at the
end of the night.

Doc Love has some final tips to help you remain detached during your crush...

Why in the world would you come out and tell this babe you like her? She just told you she’s
not open to a relationship, didn’t she? On the other hand, there’s no reason to get rid of her
because she’s going out with you whenever you want.

You’re in dire need of coaching? Boy, you can say that again! Cut out the instant messaging
and see this girl only once a week. If she wants to go out one night a week, tell her fine, let’s
go. When she asks you for another night, however, tell her you’re busy until next week. When
she starts begging you to go out a second and third time during the week, that will be the
signal that her ex is history.
predictable intentions
The problem, Jolyon, is that you’ve been way too available and too predictable. You’re
telling me you’re working Challenge? You haven’t been working Challenge. Pal, you don’t
know anything about Challenge. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “Thank
the Lord the book’s in the mail, dawg!”

Remember, guys: when you talk about serious stuff with a woman, you only get into trouble.

Doc Love: Friend Or Foe?

Hey Doc,

My question is about something you haven’t covered before: dealing with intelligent blockers.

I’m a good-looking, 23-year-old man who happens to like two girls. My roommate -- I’ll call
him David -- who’s not as good looking as me but definitely has more going on in his career,
is also interested in them. I believe that David uses dirty, underhanded tactics to manipulate
and convince these girls that there’s something wrong with me. He's trying to keep me
excluded from the girls. The tactics involve repeatedly telling these girls by e-mail and
telephone that I am always upset and depressed, and that I’m childlike and really sweet
(which I am not).

smear campaign
The upshot is that David is convincing these babes that I’m a Wuss, which I most definitely
am not. I know he’s doing this because the girls have repeatedly asked me if I was OK, and if
I was unhappy when there was no reason for it. Doc, I know it’s him who’s doing this. And
I’m sure this private-messaging business is not the only strategy in his arsenal.

David is a coward. What he does, he does subtly, so subtly that he would never admit it, but
it’s obvious enough that I notice it.

an eye for an eye?

So, how do I cope with these politics of envy? If anyone knows how to deal with this, it’s
you, Doc. Do I fight fire with fire, ignore the issue or take it up directly with David?

I have read your book and memorized it. In fact, the chapter on Blockers has received special
attention recently, but I’m still puzzled. A lot of people criticize you for being too harsh, but I
respect that you tell us guys straight out how it is with women, and a lot of men need to wake
up and follow your directions.

Greame - who knows he’s not being paranoid

doc love’s answer

Hi Greame,

Actually I do deal with Blockers in my book -- every species of Blocker -- but you have to
develop the ability to piece together my various techniques in order to recognize all those
Blockers, and you haven’t quite reached that stage. You haven’t penetrated my principles
deeply enough yet. You will though, the more time you spend with the Dating Dictionary.

Now, I know that you like these two girls, but you’re omitting the most important question:
How much do the girls like you? Are you wasting time when you should be getting proactive?

How will Greame deal with this scumbag? Read on to find out…

rise above the pettiness

I know you feel bad that David uses dirty tactics to undermine you, but like my cousin
General Love says: “All’s fair in love and war, soldier.” This means you always have to be
prepared for whatever gets thrown at you, and you do that by adhering to "The System." But
don’t worry -- David’s not really convincing these girls of anything. He’s trying to convince
them of something. What you don’t realize, pal, is that the more this guy puts you down, the
more he’s actually helping you. Because the intelligent girl says to herself: “Why is somebody
always knocking this guy when he’s not really a Wuss?” And you only want an intelligent girl
anyway, don’t you, Greame?

What you have to do in this situation is go with the flow. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says:
“Let all this crap roll off you like water off a duck’s back.” Defuse all the negative stuff said
about you with the greatest weapon of all -- humor. You’re not supposed to defend yourself
here, and you don’t have to. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “When you put on a
serious defense of yourself, you give this blocker credence.”

stay away from saboteurs

As soon as you get some money together, you have to get away from this creep. You don’t
want to live with a sneak and a traitor, do you? That’s what this guy is. As soon as you
can, get your own place or get him out of yours.

Here’s something else; like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Most men get goofy when
it comes to relationships.” In other words, some guys will back-bite you and they don’t see
anything wrong with it. Heck, if you came straight out and asked David if he was blocking
you, he’d probably tell you no. He’d probably say: “Oh, no, Greame, I was just kidding! You
know I like you -- I’m your roommate!”

How do you cope with the politics of envy? Like I said earlier, by being funny. When one of
the girls asks if you’re depressed all the time, you say: “Yes, I am. I’ve got so many girls after
me that I can’t take it anymore and I don’t know what to do about it. The only time I’m not
depressed is when I’m around you.” In other words, make a joke out of it and move on.

laugh it off
Should you fight fire with fire, ignore David or confront him head on? None of the above. All
three of your guesses about how to handle this situation are wrong.

Let me tell you something, buddy. Doc Love is not harsh. Reality and truth are harsh, but
most people -- and I mean most guys -- live in a bubble. They are run by their emotions and
don’t see reality when it comes to women. When you look at their love lives, the divorce rate
and how often they get dumped by women, you’ll see that all I’m trying to do is coach them
to face reality.

Remember, guys: Never let them know that they got to you.

Doc Love: Imperfect Strangers

Hi Doc,

I met Pasha online recently and have spent the last two months chatting with her through
instant messaging about three times a week, for hours at a time. (I’ve just read some of your
columns and have realized that I might be making some mistakes.) I felt like I was getting
fairly close to Pasha, joking around with her and talking about all kinds of stuff. We haven’t
actually met in person, but we’ve exchanged photos.

she’s a busy girl

Last week I found out from Pasha that she just got a boyfriend. I congratulated her on having
a boyfriend. She said that another one of her guy friends who she was talking to online got
angry at her, saying: “How could you do this to me when I like you?” She asked me if we
were still friends, and I said I was happy for her and jokingly added: “If it doesn’t work out
with this new guy, I’m still here.” To which she replied: “You wouldn’t wanna date me
anyway. I’m annoying.”
Pasha defended her new relationship. She told me that her new boyfriend is not the type of
guy she normally goes for and that she’s taking it slow. She’s a shy girl and hasn’t been in a
relationship for a year, and does not seem like the type to play games with guys, especially
multiple guys at the same time.

did he miss out?

Now that Pasha has a boyfriend, I’ve found myself thinking about her a lot more. I’ve been
wondering whether or not it’s a good idea to invite her out, because that way I can see how I
feel about her. It might be easier to move on if I find there’s no spark between us.

Is it a good idea to stay friends with Pasha, and if the time comes when she’s single again to
try and move in on her? Finally, could it be that I may have missed out because I didn’t get
face time with her?

Thanks for your help in advance.

Fraser - who’s at a loss for what to do

doc love’s answer

Hi Fraser,

When I read a first sentence like yours -- that you spent hours talking to someone you’ve
never seen, which is a huge mistake straight out of the gate -- it makes me wonder how many
other mistakes you’re making on top of that one. You’re not just making one mistake by
instant messaging with this woman -- you’re opening up the floodgates for what’s to come.

Fraser will have to figure out what to do with this imperfect stranger after the jump...

To you Psych majors, you cannot get close to a woman without face time. The sole purpose
of instant messaging is to do it only once or twice -- then go and meet her at Starbucks. That’s
the correct procedure, and deviating from it means trouble. Talking for hours on end to a
woman when you haven’t passed the physical attraction test is like driving past the bank,
throwing a bunch of greenbacks into the air and hoping that somehow they’re going to end up
in your account. You wouldn’t do that, would you, Fraser? Well, this is even worse.

too much information

Now, let me get this straight. You told Pasha that if things didn’t work out with her new
boyfriend, you’re still going to be around? Wow -- you sound like a big challenge, man! This
babe is going to have to work really hard to get you! But seriously, like most weak men, you
are too available. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “This woman is dying to chase
you, she’s desperate for some mystery, and you’re just an open, boring book.”
It’s very curious that Pasha told you that she was annoying. Pal, when a girl puts herself
down, that means she has zero interest in you. She’s basically begging you to stay away from
her. Who cares what she’s doing with this new boyfriend of hers, whether she’s taking it slow
or fast or medium? The point is that she’s making out with him and you haven’t even met
her. All this superfluous information she’s handing you about this guy doesn’t mean
anything.
Fraser, you haven’t even set eyes on Pasha in person. You don’t know a thing about her.

she’s the real mystery

How do you know Pasha hasn’t been in a relationship for a year? Maybe she’s a pathological
liar and a user and a stroker, have you thought of that? Oh, but I’m sure she’s a regular
wallflower. Counting you and her other angry guy friend and her new boyfriend, I count
three turkeys on the line right now. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “This girl is real shy, all
right!” And it shows me how sharp you really are, my friend. This babe is running a big con
on you and you’re convinced she doesn’t play games? What this tells me is that your interest
level is 100% and hers is zero. But you insist, without a shred of evidence, that she doesn’t
work multiple guys. Well, she’s got a boyfriend, two other guys mooning over her, and she’s
probably instant messaging four or five other saps like yourself.

Forget about taking this girl out, Fraser. There is absolutely no spark between you two. Forget
about staying friends with her and trying to move in on her later. Like my cousin Fast Eddie
Love from East L.A. says: “This girl wouldn’t go out with you if you were the last man on the
face of the planet.”

face time is what counts

Did you miss out because you didn’t get face time with Pasha? That’s the only sane question
you’ve asked. Sadly, Fraser, not only did you miss out by not getting face time in with this
girl, you did everything else wrong too. Just make sure that when you order my book that you
have it delivered by overnight mail. This is an emergency.

Remember, guys: When a girl tells you that she’s annoying, that really means she’s annoyed
by you.

Doc Love: Going out with beautiful women

Doc Love: Choosing The Better Woman

Hey Doc,

I just started reading your articles. I have to say you really know what you’re talking about. I
ordered a copy of your book today, but I could really use some help because I’m about to get
myself into a tricky situation this weekend.

I met Celestria at a bar a week after I broke up with my girlfriend. The first time we locked
eyes there was a spark. We started talking and found out we have a lot in common. She is a
great girl -- smart, funny, pretty, and has a good job as a kindergarten teacher. I really enjoy
her company and I’m very attracted to her. We exchanged numbers and eventually went
out for a few drinks. Things have been going good but slow so far, which is fine with me. I
just got out of a long relationship and I needed to reset myself.

Celestria and I have only hung out a few times since we met and two of those times we were
out with her friends. I don’t need “The System” to tell me it was a bad idea, but it was either
have the friends there or not see this girl at all. She’s very busy and I’m not full of free time
either. We also had plans to have dinner, but she canceled twice. Those were big red flags.
One cancellation was because her friend had a baby; the other was because she was sick. Both
excuses were true, but Celestria could have made the dates if she really wanted to.

canceled plans
What bothers me is that she has baggage, and I think I might be wasting my time. I won’t
drag this it out with all the details; let’s just say Celestria’s had a rough couple of years with
her family and an ex-boyfriend. Because of what she’s gone through, she has a hard time
trusting new people, especially new men. I admire her honesty and I can relate to what she’s
gone through as I have gone through similar things. This is why I’ve hung in with her.

It seems like Celestria’s Interest Level is somewhere around 40%, considering she has
avoided hanging out with me alone. I think her low Interest Level has less to do with me and
more to do with her baggage. I think she’s perfectly happy being single and is avoiding any
kind of relationship. I think she’s kissed me because she really does like me though.

plan b
Anyway, here’s the situation: This weekend my friend is having a party. There will be a girl,
Katie, at the party who is in a similar situation as me (recently free from a long-term
relationship) but she’s interested in meeting me. The catch is that Katie knows Celestria. So
hooking up with Katie will certainly kill anything I have going with Celestria.

I don’t want to invite Celestria to the party because that will just be another group date. I like
her, but I don’t want to blow off a good opportunity with Katie only to be messed around
more by Celestria. What should I do?
Brendon - who’s never been so confused

doc love's answer

Hi Brendon,

First of all, I want you to look at what you did here. You read a couple of my articles, you
didn’t find anything you disagreed with, and you ordered my book because you know you’re
going to get more great stuff from it. I want to congratulate you on being open to improving
yourself and your love life. Ninety percent of men out there could read a hundred articles but
they wouldn’t study my book if I gave it to them for free. That’s why they’re in the condition
they’re in when it comes to women.

That said, you still have a lot to learn, my friend. Look at what’s happening with Celestria.
Let me explain something to you. You don’t know what you have in common with a babe
after just one encounter. What you have in common is nothing more than physical attraction.
That’s all. How do you know she’s such a “great girl”? You just met her, didn’t you? So how
could you possibly know? She might have a good job, but how does she function in romantic
relationships? That’s what counts. Sure, you’re attracted to her -- but how attracted is she to
you? Is she really available? Those are the critical questions.

Read on for Doc Love's full diagnosis of Brendon's problem...

When you saw that all of Celestria’s friends were hanging around, you shouldn’t have seen
her at all. That’s your problem here, dude. You went along with a bad arrangement from
the get-go. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “You’ve already sucked up to this girl, boy.”

don't be a sucker
Don’t rationalize this mess because you’re both busy. If this girl can’t find an hour and a half
for lunch in the seven days of a week, something’s wrong. Now let me get this straight:
Celestria canceled two dates on you in one week? You mean she broke one date and you went
back for more punishment? What’s wrong with you, Brendon? Man, you do need to read my
book, and fast, especially the chapter called “Broken Date.” By the way, those weren’t red
flags you were seeing -- this girl’s out. Period. I’ve been on hundreds of dates and have never
broken one. Who cares if Celestria has baggage? She breaks dates! That’s all you need to
know. She’s already history.

too busy=not interested

Brendon, you are rationalizing up a storm here when you blame this impasse on Celestria’s
family and ex-boyfriend as opposed to low interest level. If you were Brad Pitt, do you think
her family and old boyfriend issues would be a problem? Heck, she’d say: “Oh please can we
have some more champagne, Brad?” If this girl has a hard time trusting new men, she’s
unavailable. She’s a basket case. Next!

But you admire her honesty. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You’re
dying to admire anything that’s not bad about this girl!” But she’s 90% bad. So why are you
“hanging in”? You’re not a psychiatrist, are you? You want to be this babe’s boyfriend, not
her counselor. Challenge is one thing, useless trouble is another.

wasted energy
You estimate Celestria’s Interest Level to be around 40%. The problem is that it has to be at
least 51% in order for this thing to have any life. So here’s the important question: Why
would you go after a girl who doesn’t want to be alone with you? Of course you go and
rationalize again that it’s her baggage that’s inhibiting her. It couldn’t be you -- because
you’re perfect, right? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “But if Brady Quinn came
along, I’m sure she’d find time to play touch football.” But you’re convinced that she kisses
you because she likes you. Pal, this is called grasping for straws!

Now, on to the big party. It’s fantastic that this new girl, Katie, is friends with Celestria. Why
are you fretting about killing anything with Celestria? You have nothing going with her!
Brendon, you have less than zero going with this girl. So if I were you, I’d invite her along
and then work both her and Katie. Think about all the fun you can have going back and forth
between the two. Like my cousin General Love says: “Maybe you can even get some sparks
flying.” Don’t worry about being on a group date. You’re finished with Celestria. So just
invite her anyway and make the new girl jealous.

One more thing: The minute my book arrives, start reading and memorizing.

Remember, guys: Never try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you.

Doc Love: Moving Out

Hey Doc,

First I would like to thank you for creating “The System.” It worked for me and has definitely
changed my life. I am a frequent reader of your articles and a lot of the advice you give hits
home and makes sense. However, after having read through all of your material and practiced
it, I am still in need of some more coaching.

I was in a relationship with my ex, Ranita, for 19 months. We are seniors in college. Our
relationship had its ups and downs, but overall, things were amazing. Our only problems were
in dealing with her “pro single-life, anti-marriage” friends. After nine months she decided to
move in with me. The relationship grew in strength and we decided to give each other
promise rings as a sort of pre-engagement. The engagement was to take place after I
graduated.

she's moving out

As time went on, the little things started making us grow apart because we sank into a
routine. Ranita decided to move out, but our relationship continued for another few months.
We finally broke up five months ago, but we continued to hang out on a regular basis. We
would text all the time when we weren’t together and she always pushed for us to get back
together, but for some reason I could only say no. I wanted to say yes, but didn’t because I
thought it was what I wanted at the time. Three weeks ago everything finally clicked and I
truly realized that I missed Ranita and wanted her to be my girlfriend again. But when I let
her know how I felt, she told me that she’d met someone else and doesn’t want a relationship
right now. Now it has gotten to the point where she doesn’t know what she wants and wants
to take some time for herself.

mixed messages
The confusing part for me is that Ranita continues texting me and talking with me but only
wants to see me if we work out together. She tells me to go out and meet new people, but
when I do, she gets super jealous. I realize I have turned into a wuss, but I’m not sure what to
do. I love Ranita and want her back.

Doc, is there anything else I can do? I realize that neediness and not being a Challenge have
lowered her Interest Level because she knows if she wants me, she could have me. How do I
get her Interest Level up again?

Avenir - who feels like he lost his future wife because of her moving out and moving on

doc love's answer

Hi Avenir,

You start out by saying that “The System” worked, but you should be saying that it works. If
it worked for you once, why are you through with it? “The System” is a constant practice. It’s
not something that you use for a little while and leave in the past. So you’ve got the wrong
idea here, my friend. Most guys don’t pay attention to “The System,” and that’s the problem
in America today. Most guys will read three or four of my articles and will tell me that they
can’t find one principle they disagree with, but then they’ll just go on their merry way and
continue to mess up with women. It makes no rational sense.

Will Avenir get this situation with a moving-out girlfriend straightened out? Read on...
Now, I’m trying to get this straight. You and Ranita had your ups and downs, but the
relationship was amazing. Huh? You’re contradicting yourself, Avenir. If you have no ups
and downs, that’s when the relationship is amazing.

How did you happen to get involved with Ranita’s pro-single, anti-marriage friends? Why in
the world are you arguing with them? When they blast marriage, just keep your mouth shut or
say: “I understand what you’re saying,” even though you disagree with them 100%. Like my
cousin General Love says: “Never let the enemy know what you’re thinking, soldier.”

interest level threats

Then things went south. Like most men, after you got the woman to fall in love with you, you
didn’t think about a maintenance program to keep her Interest Level in the 90s. When you slip
into a routine, you take the woman for granted, and then Interest Level drops. Then you’re in
trouble.

When Ranita moved out, right then and there you were dead in the water forever, buddy.
Once the girl moves out, whether you’re married or not, you’re out, there’s no going back,
and everything you do afterward is a complete and total waste of time. Like my cousin Sal
“The Fish” Love says: “The only thing you should do when she doesn’t want to live with
you anymore is go out and hustle new phone numbers.”

she's history
You two broke up after Ranita moved out? I’m shocked! How did that happen? Face reality,
Avenir; you didn’t break up after five months. She broke up with you when she moved out. It
never ceases to amaze me how most of you guys brainwash yourselves, how you rationalize
everything that goes wrong in a relationship. Ninety percent of the guys out there don’t want
to take responsibility for their actions. If the girl loves you and now she doesn’t love you,
whose fault is it? Is it the girl’s? No. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Look in the mirror,
dummy!”

If you told Ranita you didn’t want to get together again when she begged you, then you’re the
one acting goofy. You’re telling me you love the girl, but when she wants to get closer to
you, you tell her no. What’s going on in your head, dude?

You might have come to the realization that you wanted Ranita back, but what was she
thinking? That’s the important thing. Because like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Just
because this revelation went on in your head doesn’t mean that it went on in hers.” Don’t
forget for a second that she met someone else -- which means that the only person she doesn’t
want a relationship with right now is you.

Anytime a girl utters the words “I need space” or “I don’t know what I want” or any other
such Womanese, that means you’re out. You’re finished. This is what Ranita’s telling you,
Avenir. They all use the same lines. I don’t care if the girl lives in Bangladesh or Bangor,
Maine -- it’s the same.

time to move on
What you don’t understand is that now you’re just a token ex-boyfriend who Ranita goes to
the gym with when she has nothing better to do. That’s all. She has zero Interest Level in you.
Hey, women with high Interest Level always want you to go out and meet new people. Duh!
Ranita doesn’t get super jealous, guy. If she were super jealous, she wouldn’t tell you to meet
new people, unless of course she’s a complete whack-job.

What can you do now? Well, don't give up -- go back and memorize my book, which you
didn’t do in the first place. If you did memorize it, then you forgot it, because “The System”
teaches you to be a manly man, which you’re certainly not right now.

Can you revive Ranita’s Interest Level? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “My son, the only
way you could push it up again is by hitting the lottery.”

Remember, guys: when she moves out, it’s over.

Doc Love: Open Up To Her?

Hey Doc,

I’m a long-time loyal student of yours, and a first-time writer. I’ve read your book, your
articles and listened and re-listened to your radio show. I follow “The System” religiously
and it works… up to a point.

she brought up marriage

I’ve been dating Caprice, a Flexible Giver, for 21 months. I stay off the phone, unless it’s to
make a date, I’m a Challenge, I keep things light and funny, I even walk on the outside of the
curb (and have explained to her why). Even her parents and brothers like me. After about a
year and a half of dating, Caprice brought up marriage. Taking a page from your book, I told
her I’d marry her if she kept being a good girl.

open up more?
However, all of it seems to have backfired on me. Caprice is now saying she doesn’t know if
we’re compatible. She still says she loves me and is still touchy with me (so I don’t think
it’s just Womanese). One of her specific complaints is that I don’t communicate, and that
she
doesn’t really know me. In your book you say not to talk too much about yourself and only
tell her things that will raise her Interest Level. I shut my mouth and make sure I listen, but if
she asks what I think about something and I think my answer will lower Interest Level, I
don’t say anything. Should I open up more?

When I called Caprice on her sudden change in attitude, she explained that she has been
thinking about us a lot. She also said she has changed a lot for me, so why can’t I change for
her and open up? I pointed out all the things I did for her and that I don’t tell her everything
so that I don’t overburden her with my problems. But she said she wants to know everything
about me. She said that maybe I was too good for her. I told her that doesn’t make sense.
Damn, they’re crafty, Doc, because I don’t even remember her response. I think she said: “I
just want you to be happy.” I’ve heard that in the past, right before the door hit me on my way
out.

Should this guy open up his feelings to keep his girlfriend interested?

so this is love
Caprice also said that she thinks she loves me more than I love her (which is the perfect
situation, per your book). So I pointed out that my actions show that I care, not my words.
She countered that she needs words too. But I don’t want to get too mushy, like your book
says. Caprice did admit to having a fear of commitment, by the way, but I don’t know what
that’s supposed to mean.

Doc, you’re the only one who can coach me now, because you’re the only one I trust. What
should I do? Should I just be more open? Should I tell Caprice everything? Am I doing
something wrong? How can I fix this? For the time being we’ve left it at “we’ll try harder to
communicate better.” I’m pretty sure her Interest Level is still above 50%. Thanks for
everything, Doc!

Syward - who’s scratching his head and wondering if he should open up to her

doc love’s answer

Hi Syward,

When you say “The System” works only up to a point, you’re wrong straight out of the gate.
I appreciate all your hard work, dude, but my techniques don’t have limited effectiveness. On
the contrary -- “The System” works all the time on everything. If you missed something in
the Dating Dictionary or misinterpreted my techniques, then it’s not a problem with my
book; it’s a problem with you. So please don’t say it only works “up to a point.”

is she blind?
When I look at your history with Caprice, you said and did all the right things. So far you’re
doing great. To you Psych majors: If all of your strategy seems to have backfired on you, it’s
because of the girl, not because of my book. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Don’t
attack 'The System' if the girl’s off her rocker!” Think about it, Syward: When Caprice says
she doesn’t really know you after you’ve been dating her for 21 months, is that really
possible? How can she not know you if she’s seen your actions all that time?

When Caprice asks what you think about something, you should always come back with
something funny. Kid her about whatever she wants to know. In other words, give her what’s
called a “non-answer answer.”

What happened here wasn’t just a sudden change in Caprice’s attitude. She has been thinking
about all of this stuff for six months. That’s also in the book, and either you missed it or
didn’t really take it in, my friend. And if she’s been thinking about it a lot, what she really
means is that she has been thinking a lot about it negatively. So there’s Womanese going on
here whether or not you know it.

Doc Love has more to say on how men keep to themselves…

men keep to themselves

When you told Caprice you didn’t want to overburden her with all of your problems, she
should have taken that as a supportive compliment. However, when she said she needed
words as well as actions, right there you were finished and dead in the water. Like my cousin
General Love says: “What you have here is a girl who has been brainwashed by the worst of
American culture.” What she has been brainwashed with is the idea that if you’re not mushy
and pouring out your heart about all your negatives and hang-ups and insecurities, you don’t
have a fulfilling relationship. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “You’ve treated this girl
perfectly for 21 months and that’s not good enough? What’s not to like?”

I know that you’re confused because Caprice said she had a fear of commitment, but you can
be sure that she has a fear of something. You should have asked her what she meant by that,
because what she said to you doesn’t make a lick of sense. One minute she brings up marriage
and now she has a fear of commitment? How is that even possible? Like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says: “This girl’s showing heavy signs of being a loon.”

kick her to the curb

What should you do? There’s only one thing you can do with Caprice now, Syward: Drop
her. Being more open with this girl won’t help because she wants to know it all. Don’t go
telling her everything about yourself unless it’s positive.

No, you’re not doing anything wrong, buddy. The hard truth is that you can’t fix this situation
because you can’t fix her. Caprice has low Self-Esteem and she has to hear all kinds of mush
to feel good about herself. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Mush is not
manly.”

Remember, guys: A self-reliant woman can live on your actions alone, but a woman with
low Self-Esteem cannot.

Doc Love: Her Past Lovers

Hey Doc,

I’m 28, live in Australia and I’m a big fan of “The System,” which I have been learning over
the past few years. I want to congratulate you on your coaching, which has helped me a lot.

I met my current girlfriend, Sasha, at the gym. She’s 31 and very attractive. I got her number
and we went on a date that went very smoothly. At the end, we shared a passionate kiss. I
was always confident and Cocky & funny around Sasha and this, along with her physical
attraction to me, was an unreal combination that made her fall for me very quickly. I was also
a Challenge in that I was never needy.

i held all the power

Sasha wanted to hang out with me all the time, and after five weeks or so we were very
romantic with each other, if you catch my drift. Occasionally, I knocked back her date
proposals, as I like my space and didn’t want to seem too easy for her. I realized that this put
Sasha off balance, and she responded with frustration, which meant that she was emotionally
attached to me. Although I liked Sasha, I never told her how I felt nor showed her too much
affection and this also put me in a position of power, as she would always tell me that she
never knew where she stood with me.

After six months, Sasha told me she loved me after an argument during which she demanded
to know how I felt about her and where the relationship was heading. I told her sternly that I
didn’t tolerate people’s demands and if the time I spent with her wasn’t enough, then I would
walk out. As I left her apartment, she repeated that she loved me and had never met anyone
like me. I told her to keep on loving me and I kept on walking. But we are still together,
things are good, and Sasha’s Interest Level is very high judging by the fact that she still
always wants to see me.

sasha's been around

Well, just the other week, I heard something about Sasha that really disappointed me.
Through a friend, I discovered that she had a romantic relationship with a sleazy ex-friend of
mine. This happened four or five years ago. When I brought this up to Sasha, she admitted
knowing him, but nothing else.

This has turned me off Sasha completely. I can’t look at her the same way anymore. She
doesn’t know that I know about what happened, but I feel deceived and let down because she
hid the truth from me regarding her past lover. I know it’s in the past, and Sasha has some
great qualities and is good and loyal to me, but I can’t swallow my pride to continue the
relationship with her because of this other dude. She has noticed that I am colder toward her
now, and she keeps asking why. I need some coaching as my pride might be getting in the
way of a good relationship. Please help me to make the right decision and determine whether
these feelings are normal for guys struggling with "her past lovers" or if I should give Sasha
the boot.

Thurston - who feels like he’s been kicked in the gut because of her past lovers

doc love's answer

Hi Thurston,

At first you were doing great, pal. Sasha wanted to hang out with you all the time. I hope you
fully realized what is going on here, and that is that you had incoming attention. This lady
was chasing you because you were a Challenge and not needy. Most guys think they have to
be the aggressor in a relationship. They can’t even fathom the idea that you can actually
throw the accepted psychology of dating into reverse -- in other words, have the woman
chasing the man -- and come out a winner. Most guys don’t understand that you can actually
be in control of a relationship at all times even though the woman thinks she is because she’s
doing all the work and chasing.

And it’s likewise incredible that you turned down dates because you didn’t want to seem too
easy for Sasha. You can’t begin to realize how many men couldn’t do this and what’s worse,
it doesn’t even enter their minds as a possibility. Ninety percent of the guys out there want to
be all over the woman as opposed to having the woman come after them. And you bring out
an excellent point regarding Sasha getting frustrated because she was emotionally attached to
you. You’ve learned a lot, my friend.

Can Doc Love set Thurston back on track with Sasha and her past lovers and help him
squelch his pride?

However, you still need to learn more. You shouldn’t be talking sternly to Sasha. You’re not
here to take a tough-guy stand -- that’s something Macho Boy would do. Instead of taking a
hard-line, all you had to say was: “Honey, how have I been treating you? Doesn’t that tell
you everything you need to know?” I will say this, though; when you walked out of Sasha’s
apartment, you deserved the Congressional Medal of Honor for Valor. Very, very few guys
could have done that. I can’t compliment you enough on this move.

making a macho mistake

Now, let me make sure I have this right. You’re going by what some guy says about your
girl, as opposed to judging her by the six months that she’s been perfect with you? Does that
make any sense? And like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “To boot, you’re a hypocrite.”
Because you liked your ex-friend way back when, until you figured out he was a sleaze
bucket and then you got rid of him. And that’s what she did too, right? You want Sasha to go
by your actions but you won’t go by her actions. Instead, you’ll believe some guy who’s
probably after her.
How do you know what the guy said was true? You might be 99% sure he was right about
your girl, but you can’t be 100% sure.

This relationship between Sasha and your ex-friend allegedly happened five or six years ago.
If it happened when you and Sasha were going out in the last five or six months, I could
understand you getting upset. But like the Chinese proverb goes: “This is all ancient history,
grasshopper.” What is Sasha supposed to do, apologize to you for every single guy she went
out with before you? She’s 31 years old -- she’s been dating since she was 14! Like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Paisan, you’re getting all bent out of shape over nothing.”

And you’re ticked off that Sasha admits that she knows the guy, but nothing more. Well what
do you want, the gory details? Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Women never give
the gory details.”

pitch the pride

So now you’re completely turned off. My friend, you have too much pride. You don’t know
what happened between Sasha and this guy. You weren’t there with a camera, were you? But
you claim you can no longer look at her in the same way. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
from East L.A. says: “What do you want, a 31-year-old virgin?”

Sasha didn’t hide the truth from you. If you wanted every detail about her life, when you first
started going out with her you should have said: “Hey, I want to know about every single guy
you went out with since you were 14.” That’s your logic here. In other words, it’s no logic.

However, you swear that you can’t go on with Sasha. Thurston, this guy was pre-you. Like
my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Boy, you oughta lighten up, turn into a stove and start being
warm to this girl.”

You don’t have a good relationship, buddy, you have a great relationship but you’re not
seeing it. Coming down on Sasha because she didn’t tell you everything she ever did before
meeting you is stupid.
Sure, your feelings are normal -- for a macho, uptight man.

Remember, guys: Leave the past out of your relationship.

Doc Love: Trapped In Love

Hey Doc,

I’ve been dating Kelly for close to six months now and our relationship overall has been
really good. Kelly is a decent-looking girl, and while she may not be a dime physically, she
is a perfect 10 in personality and she’s a fun, attentive, loving girlfriend. I have dated many,
many girls and this one has been, by far, the nicest. She listens to everything I say, and if I
have a problem, she tries to help me with it. I couldn’t begin to tell you all the small and big
things she does for me.

i have wandering eyes

Anyway, on to my ridiculous problem: Though Kelly is a great girlfriend, and on paper our
relationship is flawless, I find myself often looking at other women and even flirting with old
girlfriends. I haven’t cheated on her, but I do feel badly about my constant thoughts of
messing around with other girls. Kelly is most definitely marriage material. I’ve always said
to myself that once I find the right girl I’m going to settle down. Now here I am, 24 years
old, I meet the right girl and all of my theories and beliefs go out the window! Sometimes I
find that I want to break up with Kelly because I feel that I haven’t dated around enough.
Ironically, I always thought it was dumb of guys to want to fool around constantly. I
liked having just one girl and wanted to be faithful until the end. Now I feel like I haven’t
been around enough, if you will.

I’m at a loss for what my next step should be. I don’t know if I need to just grow up and stay
with Kelly, or break up with her and go on my way. Breaking up with her would destroy her,
because this girl absolutely adores me. I’ve never seen anyone love someone like she loves
me. Please give me some coaching and thank you for your time.

Ulmar - who doesn’t want to blow a good thing

doc love's answer

Hi Ulmar,

It’s a real sign of your maturity that you recognize that while you have a girl who is not
textbook beautiful, you’re attracted to her anyway. And it’s also a tribute to you that you’re
smart enough to realize that it’s what is on the inside that lasts. Because, when you’ve been
with a woman for a long time what’s on the outside -- her looks -- will go. And it’s great that
you’re smart enough to realize that Kelly really has it -- the it that really matters.
Congratulations to you, pal.

you've got good thing going

Something else in your letter struck me: You use the word “nice” to describe Kelly. How
many guys can describe their girlfriends or wives as being nice? Think about it, my friend. To
boot, she listens to whatever you have to say. Now think about all of the high maintenance
you’ll experience with those “10s” out there if you do decide to get rid of Kelly. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “A babe who looks like Megan Fox couldn’t
care less about what you say. It’s all about her, her, her. And it always will be.”

To you Psych majors, you’re always going to walk down the street, or watch a movie, or
open a magazine and see stunningly gorgeous women. However, you’re only making yourself
feel miserable, Ulmar, if you torture yourself over them because you’re playing what I call
the “comparison game.” In other words, they’re 10s and your girlfriend isn’t. If you keep
playing it and you eventually succumb to your own misgivings, you’ll end up blowing it with
this good girl.

Can Doc Love help Ulmar feel a little less trapped in love? Read on...

better looking means bigger baggage

Yes, you’re always going to notice a better-looking girl than you have, like you’ll always
notice fancier cars than yours on the highway. However, you have no idea what’s going on
between that Beautiful Girl’s ears. You know nothing about the scars and baggage she’s
dragging around. Here’s another thing: what makes you think you’ll be satisfied with a 10?
Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Being married to Brigitte Bardot and Jane Fonda
didn’t stop Roger Vadim from cheating on them, did it?” Then think about the fact that you
have a girl you say is flawless, and how valuable that is.

It’s OK if all your theories and beliefs have gone out the window. “Know thyself,” goes the
old adage, and that’s the most important thing. At least you know that you have a good girl
even if you are attracted to others. So this is what you have to ask yourself: If you were 28 or
30 or 32, would you still have these thoughts? Maybe you did meet Kelly when you were too
young. Maybe you’re right about yourself, and you haven’t gotten around enough. Maybe
you’re not really ready to settle down. But at least you’re looking inside yourself, you’re
thinking deeply about this, and you haven’t cheated on Kelly. Like the great Doctor Freud
once said: “You might have committed the sin of infidelity in your mind, but at least you
didn’t go out and do anything about it.”
be a man about it
You have to also ask yourself what the odds are that when you finally decide that you want to
be a man and not a boy anymore and settle down, that you will find another great girl? The
truth is that if you get rid of Kelly, you might not find anyone nearly as good as her. Then
you’ll be comparing all the beauties you’re going out with to Kelly, and guess what? They’re
never going to match her.

So here you’ve got a girl with an “A” personality, an “A” Interest Level, an “A” attitude, and
you want to get rid of her. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “Before you do anything, my
son, you’d better deeply search your soul.”

Remember, guys: You’re always going to see women who are hotter than the one you have.

Doc Love: Is She Leading You On?

Hey Doc,

I read your book and am an avid reader of your column. I have a question for you though
that I haven’t been able to answer from reading your material.

Sunny is smokin’ hot, funny, outgoing, and pretty much everything she does I find cute. I
dated her about a year and a half ago and when we went out it was great. The Interest Level
was high on both sides. Well, I made the mistake of taking her up to a buddy’s cottage for a
long weekend too soon and things fell apart. She is really flirty with other guys, and jealousy
got the best of me. We got into a nasty argument and I never called her again.

is she just a tease?

I recently started a new class at college and realized that Sunny was also enrolled in it. We got
to talking every week, flirting again and sparking old feelings. Sunny took me to a hockey
game, but we kept it light, funny and friendly. So I brought her out to my buddy’s birthday
party and she was all over me. Still, I kept it light -- and so did she. We still flirt when we see
each other and there is definitely some chemistry there.

I know Sunny is seeing other guys, but I’m seeing other girls too -- so it’s not really a big deal
right now. I would like to continue the relationship and get to a more exclusive level with
Sunny. I’m afraid she is just leading me on and that the only thing she’s interested in is
having a good time with all the guys that throw themselves at her.

So what do you think? Is there anything I can do to really hook this type of girl? If I continue
to pursue her I think I might fall for her a bit too hard. If I hear about her and other guys,
I’ll break someone’s legs -- ya dig?

So my choices are to let her go, stick around for these "fun" buddy dates, or pursue her with
commitment and see if I can hook her so all she wants is the exclusive deal with me.
Thanks for helping a brother out.

Randwin - who doesn’t know which way to go with this one

doc love's answer

Hi Randwin,

The first mistake you made was spending way too much time with this girl at the beginning;
you didn’t give Sunny any time and space to find you interesting -- and push her Interest
Level through the rafters.

The next thing you did wrong was to put her on display for the blockers to have a field day
with. To you Psych majors, you have to own a girl before you start running around with her
on weekends and showing her off to your buddies. And by that I mean that you have to
own the girl’s heart.

But you also have to ask yourself whether Sunny is flirting with every male she encounters
because she has no Integrity or she doesn’t have a high Interest Level in you. And why is she
flirting with your buddies? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “Dawg, if you
owned the girl’s heart she wouldn’t be pulling that crap.”

once a flirt always a flirt

Why are you arguing with Sunny? You shouldn’t be arguing with her over anything. When
she started playing up to your so-called buddies, you should have dropped her right then and
there. Like the old Chinese saying goes, “Tiger never changes its stripes, grasshopper!” The
Bottom Line Factor says that once she betrays you, you can’t trust the girl. She has no
Integrity.

Doc Love decodes Sunny's motivations...

All these so-called old feelings you sparked when you ended up in Sunny’s class were your
feelings alone, pal. You can’t really say that this girl has any feelings for you because you
have no evidence of it aside from the fact that she is flirty. Because, like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says: “The problem is that she’s flirty with pretty much everything that moves.”
She took you to a hockey game because she was bored that night and had nothing else to do.

Then, when you hooked up with Sunny for a second time, you went on a group date with her
again. Randwin, didn’t you learn your lesson when you got burned the first time around? Like
my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Whoa -- this babe must look like Angelina
Jolie’s twin sister since you need all your friends to see her!”

no second chances
Again, the chemistry you believe is there with Sunny only exists in your mind. What has she
actually done to indicate to you that it’s reciprocal? Nothing much that I can see.

It’s not a big deal that Sunny’s seeing other guys? You’re lying, Randwin. You still have the
hots for this girl and you have them bad. And you just proved it when you said you wanted to
put the clamps on her on a more exclusive basis. Sadly for you, another reason Sunny took
you out is because she wanted to get her jollies by dumping you and paying you back for
when you dumped her -- did you think of that?

Unfortunately, my friend, there’s nothing you can do to hook this girl. You had your chance
with her and it’s gone. Too bad for you that you’ve already fallen for her. And don’t go
getting all Macho Boy and threatening to break anybody’s legs. What have I told you before?
You have to be like Cary Grant to get the ladies to fall in love with you. Like my cousin
Rabbi Love says: “Being one of those Xtreme Fighters is not going to cut it, my son. You
have to be a lot smoother and slicker.”

What can you do now? Take Sunny out and then hustle other girls while you’re with her. And
when she gets all ticked off at you for not giving her your undivided devotion, tell her she’s
too possessive and stop going out with her.

Face it, man: You’re finished with this girl.

Remember, guys: You get one shot per girl per lifetime.

Doc Love: Keep Your Distance

Hey Doc,

I just began dating again after five and a half years of being out of the game. The reason for
not dating is that I had two relationships in a row go down in flames and I was pretty
disgusted for a long time.

I recently acquired “The System” and after reading your book it confirmed my suspicion
that one of my problems is that I push too hard too early with women. My other problem is
that I try to stay and “fix” relationships after it should be clear that there’s no hope.
My question is this: An acquaintance of mine -- I’ll call her Tiffany --separated from her
husband last year. Her divorce just became final last week. We went out casually though for a
couple of months, but recently she began to push me away. I figured it might have something
to do with all the turmoil of the divorce, so I backed off. I did make the mistake of listening to
her problems and getting over-involved while I was trying to figure the situation out, but I
finally disengaged from that.

mixed signals
Now I’m getting mixed signals from Tiffany. After reading “The System” I realized that I
needed to keep some distance and I’ve done that. My thought is that I should stay distant
until the dust settles and then consider making another attempt. I realize that dating a woman
who just got separated was not a good idea; I don’t want to be the rebound guy or the
transition guy -- I’ve done that already and it didn’t turn out well.

Tiffany and I have lots of interests in common and generally compatible temperaments. Her
ex was very type A, competitive and controlling, and she is very sensitive to any situation
that makes her feel like I’m trying to run her life. So, is backing off the correct strategy in this
case?

Thanks for any coaching you can give me.

Payn - who feels like he’s losing ground

doc love's answer

Hi Payn,

I’m sorry to hear about your past dating disasters. Let me explain something to you. Two
things happen in a relationship: Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Either
you break up, or worse, you get married.” Whoever gets out of the relationship first suffers
less. So when you tell me that you went down in flames in your previous relationships, that
indicates to me that you didn’t get rid of these girls -- they got rid of you. So what a guy
should do is look at all of his relationships over the past two or three years -- all 10, 15 or 20
women he went out with -- and ask himself how many he dropped and how many times he
was dropped. If you dumped all those women, or 18 out of the 20, then you don’t need my
coaching.

When it comes to women, pushing too hard too early is the biggest problem that 90% of all
the men out there have. Rather than relax and just enjoy themselves and let the woman set the
pace, they push. They push themselves right out of the picture. To you Psych majors, when
you invade a female’s comfort level, she feels pressured and she gets turned off. That’s when
you hear those horrible words from her: “I need space!” At that point, of course, it’s already
too late.

if it’s broken, don’t fix it

You’re right about the importance of recognizing the romantic point of no return. There’s no
going back once you’ve reached that point. Once her Interest Level hits 49%, you can forget
it. Trying to fix something when it’s already too late is a complete waste of time. Heck, you
could be out hustling the numbers of other women instead of trying to convince the one who
doesn’t want you to stay with you. Think about that.

Doc Love shows us what Payn's real problem is: himself. More after the skip...

Now let me ask you this, Payn: If this relationship with Tiffany was so casual, why was she
pushing you away? If you were keeping it light and funny with her, why would she feel the
need to be away from you unless you were doing lots of things wrong? If you had my book
memorized, you would have been in good shape because you would have been a Challenge --
and a Challenge never pressures women.

it’s not her, it’s you

It’s funny how you automatically single out the “turmoil of the divorce” as your problem
instead of realizing that it was you who turned Tiffany off. Of course this is what most men
do. They always blame something or someone else instead of what the real problem is:
themselves. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Rationalizing is a man’s greatest obstacle
to facing reality.”

Worse, you tried to play psychiatrist with her. What have I told you guys in the past? When
you play psychiatrist, you’re going to lose. That’s not what you’re there for. Of course you’re
getting mixed signals from Tiffany -- her Interest Level in you is somewhere between 40%
and 60%. When the Interest Level is hovering in that murky zone, you can’t expect her to be
all over you because she really doesn’t want to be there.

calling it quits
So you’re not going to make another attempt with Tiffany. In fact, you’re not going to even
call her anymore. When she calls you, you’re going to talk to her for five minutes and then
you’re going to hang up. You’re going to shut her right down. If she doesn’t ask you out,
you’re not going to have anything to do with her.

My friend, I know you don’t want to be the rebound or transitional guy, but with women you
don’t know when the time is right to go after her; you had to take the chance with Tiffany, so
don’t beat yourself up for that.
Dude, you have to come to grips with the fact that Tiffany liked her ex enough to marry him -
- so she digs type A guys. In the second place, having interests in common and being
generally compatible has nothing to do with Interest Level. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish”
Love says: “You might as well say that her dog liked you.” Never, ever forget that the
woman’s Interest Level in you is the most important factor in a relationship.

Yeah, backing off this girl is the correct strategy now -- backing way, way off.

Remember, guys: When she’s in the process of getting over her divorce you have to be a
double Challenge.

Doc Love: She's Just Not That Into You

Hey Doc,

I have read all of your articles but not your book yet. I do agree with you that a man has to
remain a man by not letting go of himself and who he is; he should not fall into the trap of
catering to a woman’s every need and not getting 50% back. I am a nice, good guy who seems
to be taken advantage of a lot because I not only take girls out, I also cook dinners for them,
am receptive, forgiving, honest, and loyal.

Here’s my situation: I dated Suri for over a year. She was very independent and had a nine-
year relationship before me, which was a red flag (either commit or get off the pot is the way
I see it). However, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Things were great until she had to
move away from the city -- where I live -- to the suburbs with her grandmother, which was
supposed to be temporary but ended up being permanent. At this point we rarely spend time
together. I've done all I can to maintain what we had, but she doesn’t have a car and I live a
train ride away. To top it all off we both have dogs, but they don’t get along so we can’t stay
in one place together.

where is the love?

I have tried to show Suri love and have admitted all my mistakes. Still, I’m upset by her lack
of reciprocal effort. I have gotten angry with her to the point where I say mean things to her
and it sometimes escalates to hurtful words back and forth. The hurtful words are the excuse
for us not getting together.

Now it has been over a month and we haven’t spoken. I even used your approach and told
Suri I was seeing another girl, but it didn’t work. I sent a few e-mails and once heard back
that she doesn’t know what to say. I suppose I shouldn’t want someone in my life who
doesn’t seem to want to solve a problem. I can’t figure it out. It’s hard for me to get past this
because I
have feelings for Suri and there are qualities I really like about her; when we were together
things were nice.

I could really use some coaching now as I’m at the end of my rope.

Odin - who’s tried everything

doc love's answer

Hi Odin,

You say you have read all of my articles and that you like my material. So when are you
going to get my book? Why would you not go to the comprehensive source, “The System,”
for everything having to do with women and dating, especially when you’re clearly having
trouble? Are you waiting for things to get even worse? Does that make any sense?

Now wait a minute here. First you’re telling me that you don’t believe a man should fall into
the trap of catering to a woman, and then you tell me that you’re a nice guy who likes to
imitate a doormat for the ladies, including playing chef for them. So you actually do what you
say you disagree with. In other words: You’re contradicting yourself here. Why are you so
forgiving? What’s to forgive? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “You forgive, and then you
get rid of her, my son.”

keeping her distance

You say that Suri’s move to the suburbs turned out to be permanent. How do you know it
wasn’t intended to be permanent? How do you know this babe wasn’t just looking for an
excuse to get away from you? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “If this girl really liked you,
she wouldn’t be moving in with her grandma!” She sure as heck wouldn’t be moving so far
away that she has to get on a train to see you. To you Psych majors, when she likes you, she
wants to get closer to you, not further away.

So now you have the issue of distance -- always a formidable enemy of love -- working
against you. This means that this relationship is disintegrating. Lots of men like to blame the
breakdown of a relationship on everything else except for the real cause: low Interest Level.
This is something you’re doing, Odin, by talking about all the extraneous stuff that could be
affecting your relationship with Suri. It’s called rationalization. This syndrome is what keeps
most men out there from facing reality when it comes to women -- and I’m all about facing
reality.

It's time for Odin to wake up, face reality and learn what to do when she's just not that into
you...
her bite is louder than her bark
As if things weren’t bad enough already, now you and Suri even have problems with your
dogs. You could take your two mutts to a dog whisperer and get them trained, have you
thought of that? It wouldn’t help, though, because the problem is not the canines. Like my
cousin General Love says: “The real problem is that when it comes to this girl, you’re weak,
soldier.”

Why are you admitting mistakes? If you had my book you wouldn’t be making mistakes and,
therefore, you wouldn’t have to be apologizing for Suri’s low Interest Level in you. There has
been no reciprocal effort on her part because she doesn’t care enough to make an effort. If a
girl doesn’t care, why would she try to fix anything? The most important factor in a
relationship is the woman’s Interest Level, which all the psychiatrists and marriage counselors
never talk about. Sadly for you, this woman’s Interest Level is down in the dirt.

To prove it, now you’re getting into arguments. You’re acting like a little kid, Odin. Arguing
is not a mature way to deal with your problems. Until you memorize my materials and learn
what Self-Control means, until you learn not to argue with women or attack them, you’re
never going to be grown up enough for a long-term relationship. You have a huge problem
here, Odin. It’s not Suri who’s the problem -- it’s you.

facing reality
The hurtful words flying back and forth are not the excuse for you and Suri not getting
together -- they’re the reason. If you’re going to be hurtful toward somebody, that person
shouldn’t see you. Suri gets it, and you don’t.

So now it’s been a whole month since you've spoken to this girl, and you still haven’t ordered
my book have you? You love my principles and techniques, you have got all these
relationship problems and the answers are in the book -- but you’re writing me for help. Well,
that’s why I wrote the book, pal. Everything you need is in it.

Telling Suri you’re seeing another girl is not going to work because she doesn’t give a hoot.
Don’t kid yourself, she knows what to say. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “She
just doesn’t know how to say you’re out, that’s all.” I have got news for you, Odin, women
disappear when they don’t want anything to do with you. They don’t come right out and say
you’re history. They don’t dig confrontations, so they just don’t answer your e-mail.

It’s not that Suri doesn’t want to solve a problem, dude. She just doesn’t want to be with you.

Remember, guys: If she doesn’t want to take her dog to training school, you don’t have a
chance.
Doc Love: Jealousy Troubles

Hey Doc,

I have been dating Janine for two years. My former best friend Bill (we no longer hang out
in the same crowd), is dating Janine’s best friend, Beth, and they have been dating for the
same amount of time.

I have been getting cues that Janine may be attracted to Bill. She finds him excessively funny,
likes to look at pictures they’re in together, I have caught her gazing at him, and she only has
nice things to say about him. I have confronted Janine about this. She defended herself,
saying that she does like Bill, but only because he is her best friend’s boyfriend. She also
happened to tell Beth how I felt, which was annoying.

fatal attraction
I don’t like the fact that Janine has different types of fun with other people. I feel as if I
should be able to please her in every way. This is obviously not the reality of our situation. It
makes me angry to think of not being able to please her or that she is attracted to one of my
friends -- so much so that I don’t always feel like I should be dating her. I hate not having
control. Bill is very confident and I have lost my confidence somewhat over this mess.

Doc, I’m planning on going on a double date with Bill and Beth in order to face my fear of
Janine showing signs of being attracted to Bill, even though I know that she would never
admit to her attraction. I have even had dreams about Janine being with Bill (nothing
intimate, but I am clearly not her boyfriend in the dream).

I want to change the way Janine may feel about Bill, but I do not know how to handle the
situation; even if I don’t go on this double date, Janine will continue to go out partying with
Bill and Beth along with others in their group.

Should I have reason to believe Janine may be attracted to Bill? What can I do if she is? What
shouldn’t I do in this situation? Coaching please!

Manger - who is suffering through some jealousy troubles

doc love's answer

Hi Manger,

Well, I hate to break this to you, but your girl is definitely attracted to your friend Bill.
However, what’s most troubling is that you have been going out with her for two years yet
you don’t own her. Janine’s Interest Level is in the 90s -- but she’s interested in Bill. You
don’t keep studying pictures of another guy unless you really dig something about him. The
Bottom Line Factor says that: “When she has 90% Interest Level in you, all other men are
ugly to her.”

So you confronted Janine about this situation. Why? Did you actually come right out and
say to her: “You can’t like this guy anymore?” You didn’t really expect that lame tactic to
work, did you?

confrontation vs. catastrophe

Of course you should be aware of and monitor what Janine and Bill do together, but more
importantly, you have to figure out why this girl’s not in love with you. This is because your
problem isn’t really this other guy. Your real problem is you. I can tell that you’re not going
by “The System,” because to confront a woman over her crush on another guy is only going
to make her go on the defensive -- whether she’s guilty or not. All you’re doing is telling
Janine how unhappy you are about what’s going on between her and Bill, whereas you
should be trying to fix what’s wrong in your relationship -- if you can. She doesn’t like you
as much as she should, that’s the central problem here. Telling her not to like someone else is
not going to solve that.

Doc Love breaks down Manger's jealousy troubles next...

Now you have Janine blabbing to Beth about what you said, and then she tells someone else
and so on. Do you know what you have here? A bunch of gossips. Everyone’s talking about
everybody else. How is this increasing Janine’s Interest Level in you? Nobody should be
talking about anybody else when it comes to your relationship with Janine. So keep your
mouth shut. You haven’t memorized my materials. If you had, you wouldn’t have one person
talking to another, and that one talking to the other one.

To make everything worse, you’re going on group dates when you don’t own Janine. If you
read my book, you would know that unless you own the girl’s heart you never go out on
group dates.

the other guy

Of course you should be able to please Janine in every way, but you’re not doing that. This is
your problem, not Bill. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “The other guy is just a
symptom.” It’s not the reality of the situation that you’re everything to Janine because she has
a mediocre Interest Level in you. Heck, it’s probably all the way down in the 60s.

You’re right about one thing, though. You shouldn’t be dating Janine. To you Psych majors,
you shouldn’t be dating anyone after two years if her Interest Level is only in the 60s. So you
finally said something right. The reason you don’t have control is because Janine’s Interest
Level isn’t up in the 90s where it should be if you owned her.
keep your distance
Now, after all of this anguish, why in the world would you want to go out on a double date
with Janine and Bill? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “You mean you want to rub
this humiliation in your own face? Why don’t you just get a samurai sword and commit hari-
kiri?” Again, I have to point out that being out with your girl and Bill on a group date isn’t
going to raise Janine’s Interest Level in you. You should be staying away from those two, my
friend. Instead of double dating with them, you should back off your girl until you figure out
what’s wrong with your relationship. And again, none of this has to do with Bill.

The downside is that Janine’s been acting like this for two years already. Now, after two
years, it bothers you that she has this other social life? Like my cousin General Love says: “A
little slow on the draw, aren’t you, soldier?”

Yes, you definitely have reason to believe that Janine is attracted to Bill. Yet, this is only
because she’s not as attracted to you, as she should be. No, you can’t do anything if she’s
interested in this other guy. What you shouldn’t do now is appear all uptight and
confrontational. Be light and funny and see Janine less. If she begs on hands and knees to see
you more, you’ll know there’s something left to salvage.

Remember, guys: If you go out with a girl for two years and her Interest Level is not in the
90s, you have wasted a lot of time.

Doc Love: The Call

Hey Doc,

I bought “The System,” and I’m within 100 pages of finishing it. However, I have a situation
with a woman that needs immediate attention, so I can’t afford to wait to finish the book.

Last Saturday night in a bar I ran into a friend of a friend who I’d always had a keen eye for.
Her name is Tammie. After a few drinks and talking, we hit the dance floor and had a really
fun time. At the end of the night she came to my place and stayed overnight. The next day we
spent almost the entire day kissing and hugging. By the way, there was no intimacy because
Tammie said she’s not that type of girl. I think this is good because it shows she has some
Integrity and dignity.

Tammie asked if I had plans for the day, I said no and she said she had no plans either. We
took a swim in the pool, walked my dogs and held hands. I saw a lot of buying signals (she
asked all about me, my family, etc.). I didn’t see one red flag. She even offered to drive me
20 minutes away to pick up my car where I’d left it the previous night. After that day, I was
fairly positive that Tammie had a high Interest Level in me.
she's m.i.a.
So, here’s the twist: Tammie hasn’t texted or called me since. Normally, I find that interested
girls contact me the same night to thank me. My male friend who’s been dating Tammie’s
friend has been trying to line up a night where the four of us can get together at my place and
watch a movie, but so far Tammie hasn’t been able to do it.

This has really confused me. I don’t know if Tammie is playing a game or if she’s no longer
interested in me or something else is wrong. I haven’t called her and asked her to come over
myself, or even called her to see how she is, because I’m unsure of when to call in this
situation. However, it’s only been a few days since the day we spent together, and I feel that
waiting eight days as per your book to call would be too long. Anyway, here are my
questions:

1. When should I call Tammie? Should I just say hi, see how her day was, and then
hang up -- or ask for a date?
2. Is Tammie’s refusal to come over for a movie with our friends a red flag, a game
or something else?
3. Most importantly, what should I do from here?

Eagerly awaiting your coaching.

Maurin - who wishes he had more time and new what to do about the call

doc love's answer

Hi Maurin,

Letting Tammie stay over at your place was a big mistake. After you danced with her for
about an hour, you should have put an end to it. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East
L.A. says: “When things are going great and the girl is on a high, get out of there!”

When Tammie says she’s not “that type of girl,” what type of girl exactly is she talking
about? Hey, she stayed all night at your place, didn’t she? What kind of girl does that two
hours after she meets you? Sure, not being intimate with you might indicate that she has
Integrity and dignity, but it might also mean that she just has low Interest Level in you.

Instead of doing all that stuff with Tammie the whole next day, you should have been too
busy to hang out with her. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “You’re giving away the store
too quickly here, my son.” Whatever Challenge and mystery there was to you was gone
within 24 hours, Maurin. And you shouldn’t be holding hands either. Remember what it says
in my book: No public displays of affection.

texting is for sissies

You should have had a buddy, instead of Tammie, take you to pick up your car. Like the old
Chinese saying goes: “The idea is to stay away from this girl so familiarity doesn’t breed
immediate contempt, grasshopper!” Of course Tammie had high Interest Level in you -- but
only for a very, very short time. Genuinely high Interest Level that lasts takes a longer time to
develop.

Tammie’s not supposed to call or text you, dude. You’re the male here, in case you haven’t
noticed. You’re supposed to be the aggressor. And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says:
“Most women drive their boyfriends nuts with all that text messaging and telephoning, so
consider yourself very lucky.”

The call is often an issue for most men, which is why Doc Love is here to help...

don't let others do your dirty work

Now let me get this straight: You’re having another guy try to set up a date with your
"girlfriend"? Why are you bringing other people into your relationship with this girl? As I’ve
said many times before, no group dates for the first two and a half to three months.

You don’t know what Tammie’s thinking or doing right now because you’re not in charge of
this situation. Instead of your buddy asking her out on a group date, you’re the one who
should be asking Tammie out. To you Psych majors: You’re not in control when another
person is doing the asking for you. To boot, you weren’t there to know how Tammie turned
your friend down or even if she did. The fact is that your friend is doing your dirty work for
you, and you’re out of control.

You shouldn’t ask Tammie to come over to your place. Instead, call her and ask her for a
proper date. Go and pick her up at her house and take her to a nice restaurant. Then you’ll
begin to grasp what’s really with her. Like my cousin General Love says: “Getting
information from a third party on the battlefield is a recipe for disaster.”

rules of the call

You’re unsure of when to phone Tammie? It’s right there in my book, my friend. You just
didn’t get far enough. And the answer is perfectly clear: five to nine days. It doesn’t say to
wait eight days to call. Whatever you do, don't change this rule. This rule is like the
Declaration of Independence or the Constitution -- it’s holy. Don’t even think of changing it.

Don’t call Tammie up to find out how she’s doing. You’re not conducting a survey here. You
call a girl up to ask her for a date. That’s the only reason you ever use the phone.

You don’t know what Tammie’s refusal to show up to watch a movie means because you
weren’t the one doing the asking. If you were doing the asking, you could tell me now what
she actually said and the meaning of her words could be figured out. However, because you
have a friend doing your dirty work for you and you don’t know what he said to her, you
can’t know what’s really going on. Simple as that.

just finish the book

What should you do from here? Finish the last 100 pages of “The System,” and then reread it
14 more times.

Remember, guys: Don’t have your friends ask your girl out.

Doc Love: Love Won't Wait

Hey Doc,

Thanks for the great job you’ve done (and are still doing) for us men. I can’t say more than
that without breaking into song!

I met Cat about three years ago. She had just started dating a guy, but I didn’t know it and
spoke to her once a week for 15 minutes. She didn’t mention the guy for months. I know, I
know, I shouldn’t have dragged it out for all that time before making a move.

I’ve seen other ladies during this time, but deep down, I only want Cat. I know this is a
mistake, and I’m probably just saying that to make myself feel better about not making it any
further with the other girls, but in any case, at this point I’m glad I didn’t step into it with any
of them.

Now, throughout our hundreds of talks, I was always confident that Cat liked me. She
laughed like I was Jim Carrey at the silliest things, she played with her hair, and she never
seemed distracted when I was talking.

cat and lonely mouse

I work with Cat in a huge company spread out over three buildings, so if I don’t make an
effort to go and talk to her I will never see her. Since the beginning of the year I’ve noticed
that her smiles at me are bigger and she seems to flirt more. We had this recent conversation:
in a nutshell, she told me she broke up with her boyfriend, that she’s not seeing anyone else,
and that a person needs a break after a long relationship. She then gave me several reasons
why she should be single for a while, and then she said “Or, I don’t know.” I changed the
subject, talked about something positive, made her laugh and said goodbye.

It’s normal for someone to want a break after a long relationship, isn’t it Doc? (I ask because
I’m very afraid of rationalizing.) I’ve probably already begun rationalizing by telling myself
that if she didn’t want me she would have just said: “No, I’m not seeing someone and I don’t
want to see you.” But the fact that she felt the need to give me several reasons for needing a
break makes me think that she is sincere, and that I should be patient.

Please let me know what you think I should do, Doc. Thanks.

Lambert - who wants to face reality

doc love's answer

Hi Lambert,

I’m glad you only want Cat, but the problem is that you don’t know what Cat wants, do you?
What have I said to you guys a million times already? The only thing that counts is the
woman's Interest Level -- not yours. Your Interest Level has nothing to do with anything.

The reason you didn’t step into it with any of the other girls you went out with is because you
weren’t interested in them. If you were, one of them would have replaced Cat in your
thoughts. So the fix that you’re in is that you didn’t find anyone else you liked out there, and
you have a thing for Cat. But again, you don’t know what Cat has for you.

You’ve had hundreds of talks with this girl? If Cat was just a friend and you’d had hundreds
of talks with her I’d say great -- you have a very nice chum. However, that’s not what you
want. So why are you talking hundreds of times as a friend to a girl you’re interested in
romantically? These talks should be happening over dinner -- dinners that are dates, where
Cat could touch your arm and show you some romantic interest -- if she has any.

Doc Love helps open Lambert's eyes to the fact that love won't wait, even after he's been
chasing it for three years...

zero interest mouse trap

Cat has been giving you buying signals all right, but you have to find out whether or not she
really digs you, because you didn’t ask her out, and therefore you don’t really know where
you stand with her. You never even asked for her phone number. Like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says: “You have to find out if all of these buying signals are the real deal, or if
she’s just playing with you like a cat with a mouse.”

Now let me get this straight. You mean that if you don’t go to see Cat, you’ll never see her?
Dude, I’ve got news for you: that means she’s not interested in you. If Cat’s such a good
buddy of yours, how come she doesn’t come over to see you at least once in a while? You
said you’ve talked to her hundreds of times and not once did she ever come over to visit you?
Know what that says about her Interest Level? It’s zero!
When Cat told you that a person needs a break after a long relationship, you should have
answered, “Yeah,” and then asked her out on a date right away as if her answer didn’t mean
anything. And if she had said: “No, I don’t want to see anybody,” you’re out -- simple as that.
If, on the other hand, she goes out with you, then you know that all her talk of taking a break
from dating was a bunch of garbage.

you wasted too much time

Lambert, another major problem for you is that you have a lot of time in with this girl. In fact,
you have way too much time in with her on a non-dating basis -- that’s what worries me. Like
my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You’re marooned in the 'Friend Zone,' pal!”
And like the old Chinese saying goes: “When you’re friends, you’re finished, grasshopper!”

When Cat hit you with that cryptic phrase, “Or, I don’t know,” why didn’t you ask her what
she meant by it? When you hear something from a woman and the meaning isn’t clear, you
have to press her on it. "What, specifically, don’t you know?" is what you should have asked.
You have to come at her like a cop on Love & Order, otherwise you don’t know whether
you’re coming or going.

No, Lambert, it isn’t normal for most babes to want a break after a long relationship. Like my
Uncle Jethro Love says: “Most women line up their ducks before they even dump the guy!”
So you’ve got it all backward, my friend.

you missed the dating boat, big time

What we keep coming back to is the fact that you never asked this girl out on a date. You
simply don’t know what she wants. You’re straddling the friendship fence here because
you’re not in the dating mode with Cat. She wouldn’t have said that she didn’t want to see
you if you asked her out. She would have just said no thanks; I’m taking a break. It’s called
Womanese.

After all this, you’re still convinced that you should be patient with this girl. You’re putting
me on, right? You’ve been patient with her for three years! You need to realize that love
won't wait. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “If you wait any longer, my son, you’ll be an
old man!”

There’s only one thing you can do with Cat now. The next time you see her, ask for her phone
number. If she gives it to you, call her and ask her for a date.

Remember, guys: Until you ask for the phone number, nothing starts.
Doc Love: Read The Signs

Hey Doc,

Two months ago I met Chelsea. I would casually try to invite her out to parties or bars,
but our plans never seemed to work out. Finally, I decided to just ask her out -- which
worked. The date went great! She even told me to call her so we could do something
together again sometime.

I waited five days, called her and asked her out again. We went out and had another great
date. I was getting lots of great signals from her: smiling, eye contact, laughing at my jokes,
asking questions about me, etc. Needless to say, I was feeling pretty confident, so when I
dropped her off at her place at the end of the date, I went in for a kiss, but she turned her head
to make me kiss her on the cheek. I was a little shocked, but the rest of the date was perfect,
so I wasn’t going to let this minor setback bring me down and keep me from asking her out
on another amazing date -- especially because she may have thought that I was moving too
fast or she didn’t want to come off as easy or she was playing hard to get.

making the call

I called Chelsea on Friday and she didn’t answer, so I left a quick voicemail trying to be
funny and then said: “The main reason I’m calling is to ask you out for Sunday, so call me
back and let me know what time is good for you.” I was a little nervous so I stuttered, but I
figured that since I was so calm and cool on our dates that she probably wouldn’t pick up on
that.

So, here’s my question: It’s now Monday night and Chelsea hasn’t returned my call. I don’t
really want to give up on Chelsea because of how great our first two dates were, not to
mention that she’s a looker (an 8.5 easily!). I don’t want to come off as a loser by calling her
again. But what should I do? Should I call her again or send her a quick text? How long
should I wait to do this? Should I mention that she didn’t return my call? Should I mix in
something Cocky & Funny like “I know you didn’t call me back because you’re so nervous
since I’m so good looking?” Please coach me.

Dev - who thought he was in control

doc love's answer

Hi Dev,

What exactly does “I tried to invite Chelsea out to parties and bars” mean? Does it mean that
she was turning you down when you asked her to do something? Whatever it means, it was a
very wishy-washy approach you took. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “My son, you were
being about as direct as President Clinton during the Lewinsky deposition.”

Then you finally took a stronger approach by asking Chelsea out -- and it worked. So far, so
good. Like I say in my book, “The System,” one date down and nine to go! But when Chelsea
turned her lovely head so that you missed her lips and had to kiss her cheek, there was only
one thing you could and should have done at that point: thrown her number away. This is
because what her action indicated is that this girl doesn’t dig you or she’s involved with
somebody else.

What's the verdict for Dev? Will he be able to continue pursuing Chelsea? Doc Love weighs
in after the jump...

actions speak louder than words

You think it wasn’t such a big deal that she didn’t let you kiss her? You're wrong! Like my
cousin General Love says: “This wasn’t a minor setback, soldier, it was like Waterloo for
Napoleon!” Just look at what actually happened here. You didn’t ask this babe to get married.
You just went in for a kiss after being with her on two dates. So, how were you coming on too
strong? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “In America, going in for a kiss is no big
deal.” But it is a big deal if the girl’s not interested in you. Dude, notice how you’re already
rationalizing when you try to convince yourself that Chelsea was just playing hard to get? To
you Psych majors, when women like you they don’t play hard to get.

You shouldn’t have called Chelsea on Friday or Saturday. That’s a no-no, and you’d have
known it if you’d read my book -- which you should do ASAP. You were supposed to have
asked her out for the following Sunday and you shouldn't have left a message. You don’t ask
a girl out by leaving a message on her answering machine, Dev. You ask her out by talking
to her on the phone.

how she (really) feels

By the way, Chelsea picked up on your nervousness when you left that message. Like the
great Doctor Freud once said: “Women never miss a thing!”

Since Chelsea didn’t return your call, it means you can never call her again. Don’t kid
yourself, my friend. Your first two dates weren’t great -- Chelsea didn’t kiss you good night,
so how great could they be? I don’t care if this honey is an 8.5 or a 10.1, if she doesn’t kiss
you it means she’s not interested. It’s a great idea that you don’t call her again because if you
do, you’ll most definitely come off as a loser.

What should you do now? Nothing. Or, like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says:
“Go out and find new girls.” How long should you wait to contact Chelsea? Oh, five years or
so. Don’t mention that she didn’t return your call. I have news for you, pal -- Chelsea knows
she didn’t return your call. She didn’t return it because she doesn’t have a high Interest Level
in you. Girls with a high Interest Level return calls. Girls with a low Interest Level don’t
return calls. As you can see, “The System,” is very complicated stuff.

Remember, guys: When she doesn’t kiss you on the second date or return your phone calls,
you have her mixed up with somebody who cares.

Doc Love: Trapped In The Friend Zone

Hey Doc,

I took an interest in April about nine months ago. To be honest with you, I really suck when it
comes to women, and I more or less put myself in the “friend zone” thinking that I could win
her over from there. Big mistake. As time went on, I got frustrated with the fact that I wasn’t
making any progress with her, but as we grew closer and I got to know her as a person, I fell
deeper in love with her. We have become each other’s best friend.

A few weeks ago, during one of her this-guy-is-so-complicated diatribes (meaning the guy
she was dating was giving her trouble), I asked her if she ever entertained the notion of the
two of us dating. She said no, because she thinks of me more like a brother. Normally, I
would take that at face value and move on, but here’s the catch: Men haven’t really been all
that kind to April. Her stepfather abused her when she was younger, and consequently, most
of the guys she has been with have preyed on her low self-esteem. I love her and she knows
that I do, but I get the impression that she doesn’t know how to react to a guy that really cares
about her. In addition, she used to be best friends with this other guy I know, and she dated
him and he broke her heart, so it makes me wonder if she’s hiding feelings for me because
she doesn’t want to get hurt again.

is there something there?

Since I met her, I have lost a bunch of weight, thrown away my old stoner clothes and made
some pretty big lifestyle changes. Since I’m beginning to look better, I have noticed that
April is starting to hold back and censor herself around me instead of being explicitly open
about things like she used to be. She gets done-up when we hang out and I haven’t seen her in
sloppy girl mode (ponytail, sweatpants, no makeup) in months. She doesn’t protest when I
put my arm around her, but we don’t exactly cuddle, either. I want to believe there might be
something there, but I wonder if I’m just imagining things.

I wouldn’t be in such a knot over this girl if I didn’t think she was worth it. We tell each other
“I love you” on occasion, if that lends any insight as to how close we have become, but I
really do love her and I have never felt this way about a girl – Doc, I really need any coaching
you have to offer. Could April have feelings for me or am I seeing something that’s not there?
Is there anything I can do to find out how she really feels? Is there anything I can do to
make her look at me differently? If she doesn’t have feelings for me, how can I maintain a
platonic friendship with someone I feel so strongly for?

I trust that you’ll be honest with me -- even if it’s not what I want to hear.

Asher - who has invested so much in her

doc love's answer

Hi Asher,

Thinking you could win April over from the “friend zone” wasn’t a big mistake, it was a huge
miscalculation. But here’s what I find most curious of all: You read my columns, but you
don’t have my book. If you know you suck with women and you like my philosophy, why
don’t you invest in the single thing -- “The System,”-- that can save you a lifetime of anguish
when it comes to women?

Now here’s your central problem, Asher. You’re in love with April and she only sees you as a
friend. The most important factor in a relationship is the woman’s Interest Level, and aside
from being April’s confidante when it comes to her romantic life, she doesn’t have any
interest in you. Now, don’t get me wrong. When she told you that she thinks of you as a
brother, it told me that this girl is fabulous. Why? Because she told you up front exactly
where you stand with her -- and most women don’t do that. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
from East L.A. says: “She’s going to be a hell of a catch -- for somebody else!”

Is there any hope that Asher can escape the friend zone with April? Find out next...

low Interest Level

Forget about April being used and abused by other guys. I don’t care if the last 10 guys she
dated punched her out. The simple fact is that it doesn’t raise her Interest Level in you. Think
about it: How does a guy stomping on April’s heart make her like you better? The transition
from observation to conclusion doesn’t make any sense. Or, like my cousin Rabbi Love says:
“My son, your logic is illogical.”

These other guys haven’t preyed on April’s low self-esteem, Asher. Once they find out what
she’s like, they just take advantage of her. Why does she always pick jerks? Because her
father was a jerk. By contrast, you’re a nice guy. But it’s a wild leap of faith to believe that
because you’re soft and cuddly that it means she’s romantically interested in you -- because
she’s not.

April knows how to react to a guy who cares about her, all right. But if a guy cares about her
it doesn’t determine her actions. Her actions are determined by a guy she has high Interest
Level in -- only. To you Psych majors, Interest Level isn’t raised by how much a guy cares
about a woman, it’s raised by confidence, control and challenge, the three male strength
qualities. You have to get my book, dude, so you can begin to understand how women and
relationships operate. What are you waiting for, more torture?

You think April’s hiding feelings for you? Asher, on the basis of that, I’m going to give you
the “Rationalization Of The Year Award.” When you go to the dictionary and look up the
word rationalization, your face is there, did you know that? You will grab at any straw to
make this thing work with this girl, won’t you? This is disturbing because April’s already
told you up front that A) you don’t have a chance with her, and B) you’re like her brother.
Guy, when a girl tells you something, believe her -- now.

know your role

You might have made some big changes, but April can’t forget the old you. You might wear
new clothes, but April remembers you in your old duds. The reason she’s holding back now is
because you told her you wanted to date her, don’t you see that? Like my cousin Brother
Love down in Watts says: “You changed the nature of the relationship with your big mouth,
dog!” Know why she doesn’t reciprocate your affection? Because her Interest Level is in the
toilet, that’s why.

Is April worth all your mental torment? Of course not. She has zero Interest Level in you --
and if a girl doesn’t dig you, you’re out. Sure she loves you – like she loves her little brother.
Of course you two are close -- you’re closest friends. You’re a girlfriend to this babe -- that’s
it.

Are you seeing something that’s not there? Bingo! You finally hit it right on the head, Asher.
You’re hallucinating. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “I don’t know what kind of
dope you use, but man, you gotta lay off!” You’re seeing nothing because there’s nothing
there. You already know how April feels. She told you how she feels. She treats you like she
feels. What does she have to do, tattoo it on her forehead like a Manson girl? Sadly for you,
there’s nothing whatsoever you can do to make her feel differently.

Finally, like the great Doctor Freud once said, “You can’t maintain a platonic relationship
with her -- it will drive you nuts.” Especially when she invites you to her wedding as the best
man.

Remember, guys: unless she likes you, there’s no hope.

Doc Love: Family Problems

Hey Doc,

Lisa and I have been going out for 10 months now. She’s two years older than me. I’m
Caucasian and she’s Chinese, and I love her.

The problem is that her parents won’t accept me for being English or younger than she is.
They want Lisa to be with an older, rich Chinese guy. Lisa refuses to tell them about our
relationship out of fear of what they will say or do. This is a big problem. I am not allowed
into her house because of her parents. She works for them at their restaurant and looks after
her baby sister to help her mother out, so our only free day together is Sundays. Meeting
during the week is difficult because she’s so busy every night.

on the down low

Incidents have happened where I’ve taken two buses to meet Lisa and then had to wait down
the road from her house because her dad asked her to babysit at the last minute or asked her to
translate for him while shopping. When this happens, Lisa’s text message to me goes like this:
“I’m so sorry. I love you.” But after an inbox full of these messages, they start to lose
meaning. I’ve even had to hide when we spot her uncles and aunts around town, and it
frustrates me. This conflict has been the fuel of quite a few arguments between Lisa and me,
and I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t force Lisa to tell her parents about us, and
obviously she will choose her family over me even though she tells me otherwise.

At the start of the relationship Lisa told me about these potential problems, but it didn’t seem
like such a big thing. Now these issues seem to get in the way of everything. Lisa has
promised me that she will tell her parents about us by the time we leave university, but I
think that if she hasn’t told them by now, she’s never going to tell them.

Lisa is the girl of my dreams but I can’t go on like this. Are all my efforts for nothing? What
can and should I do?

Mack - who wishes he hadn’t gotten in so deep

doc love's answer

Hi Mack,

Of course you love Lisa. You’re writing about her, aren’t you? She probably looks like Gong
Li’s twin sister, so I’m sure it’s very easy to love her. But how does she manifest her love
toward you? What I want to know about is her Interest Level. Because as I’ve told you guys a
million times already, her Interest Level is the only thing that really matters.

If Lisa refuses to tell her folks about you, you have a major problem. Like my cousin Rabbi
Love says: “If a girl will not tell her parents about you, she is not the right girl for you.
Period.”

You can only see this girl one night a week? Mack, let me ask you something: How and why
did you go along with all these restrictions and conditions? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
from East L.A. says: “Boy, this babe must be a real hottie!” I can understand undergoing this
sort of torture if you’re a ninth-grader and you don’t know any better, but you’re a grown
man, dude, and you’re doing all the work here. Why? How do you rationalize getting
yourself into this mess? It’s obvious you haven’t even skimmed my book.

what she (really) means

When Lisa texts you that she loves you, what she should add is “but I don’t love you enough
to leave my parents!” Because that’s the crux of the matter here. Of course the mounting
excuses lose their meaning. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “The words ‘I love
you’ have been bastardized. Nowadays they don’t mean what they used to.”

Despite this mountain of evidence that you’re in a world of trouble here, you claim you don’t
know what to do. I’ll tell you what to do: Drop Lisa and move on. Listen to me, Mack: This
girl and this relationship is a waste of time. This is never going to work because Lisa will
never leave her parents for you. Period. Get that? I’ll repeat it so you do: She will never leave
her parents for you. So get out now.

Doc love continues guiding Mack through his relationship problems next...

her parents or you?

Lisa might tell you that she’ll eventually choose you over her folks, but her actions say
exactly the opposite. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Once the pattern is set, there’s
no changing it.” But what I want to know is why you didn’t figure this all out a lot sooner.
It’s like the guy and girl who go to the University of Texas and fall in love there. At
graduation she goes back home to New York, and he goes back home to Oregon. The upshot?
It was dead from the beginning.

To you Psych majors, men don’t look at the long-term when it comes to women -- and that’s
what “The System,” does. My book teaches you to recognize all the possible red flags in
relationships, which might look like tiny bumps in the road but are actually as big as Mount
Everest. Like the old Chinese proverb goes: “Love conquers all only when her Interest
Level is through the ceiling, grasshopper!” This thing with her family didn’t seem like such
a big thing at the beginning because, like most men, you don’t listen and you don’t think in
the long-term. That’s why most men need me.

My friend, Lisa’s not telling her parents anything about you and her when you two leave
school. She has to tell them now and get this over with or you have to drop her now. That’s
the only choice you have. I don’t believe in ultimatums, but you’ve backed yourself into a
corner here and there’s no way to get out of it unless this issue is resolved. You have to
tell Lisa to talk to her parents immediately and if they disinherit her, so be it.

This girl doesn’t even want to see you six days out of seven, but you insist she’s the girl of
your dreams. Lisa can’t be your dream girl, pal. She has 100% Interest Level in her
parents and 98% Interest Level in you. You lose.

who’s to blame?
Yes, all of your effort has been for naught. This has all been a gigantic waste of time. But
you can’t blame Lisa. She’s an honest lady. She told you up front that her family was a major
issue and that they would only allow her to marry someone from her own culture, so you
shouldn’t get all wound up about her because it was dead from the beginning. In that sense,
it’s exactly like a long-distance relationship. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts
says: “Dawg, the only person you can blame is yo’self!”

What should you do? Tell Lisa to talk to her parents. If she can’t do it, she’s out.

Remember, guys: If her parents will never accept you, don’t fall in love with her.

Doc Love: Relationship Breaks

Hey Doc,

My girlfriend, Beverly, and I have been together the better part of three years. We live
together and go to the same college. Lately I’ve noticed that she has been particularly
irritable and I’ve felt a huge distance growing between us. She has always had great difficulty
communicating her feelings to me, and I have to drag every little feeling out of her. She has
no problem telling her friends everything, though, and does so frequently. I confronted her
about this and after hours of what seemed like an arduous interrogation rather than a
meaningful conversation, I learned that she has feelings for my best friend, and has been
unsure and confused about our relationship. She insists that she still sees me as the love of
her life and might just need a break.

break time
I was actually thinking that a break would be healthy for our relationship as it is the first
serious relationship either of has been in and we’re both in our very early 20s. Beverly wants
to remain together for now and we still love each other immensely. My friend and I are close
and so are my girlfriend and him. They have both admitted that they have feelings for each
other; they flirt when we are all together and text each other constantly, especially lately.
I love Beverly and I feel like I could get past this if we could communicate better. I have
offered to do everything to help her, including going to a therapist with her and urging her to
write out her feelings. Nothing seems to work. Also, I’m not a jealous guy, but I do feel a
little threatened now because of this thing with my friend. I would trust Beverly never to do
anything with him, but she might if we take a break. What should I do? I am immensely
frustrated to say the very least.

Riff - who doesn’t want to give her away with a relationship break

doc love's answer

Hi Riff,

Straight out of the gate you’ve made a huge mistake here: You’re just going to college and
you’re already living together. You shouldn’t be living together, especially when you don’t
have my materials and you don’t know what you’re doing. Like my cousin General Love
says: “Being unarmed on the battlefield is an invitation to catastrophe, soldier.”

Let me clear something up for you, pal. There’s a very, very good reason you feel a distance
from Beverly. It’s because her Interest Level is no longer 95% -- it’s a paltry 45%. Her
Interest Level dropped a massive 50 points because you haven’t been utilizing my principles.
When I train a guy, the girl stays in love; when I don’t train a guy, he’s clueless about what
to do. Here’s a scary statistic: 90% of American males do not know how to keep a woman in
love. Without my materials, Riff, you don’t stand a chance. When are you going to wake up?
Or are you a masochist and just waiting for more torture?

actions speak louder than words

Let me straighten you out on something else. Beverly is communicating her feelings to you.
She is communicating them loud and clear. She’s irritable and you feel a huge distance from
her, right? Those are her feelings right there. She doesn’t have to verbalize anything. She
doesn’t have to come right out and say: “By the way, my Interest Level in you is only 45% --
it’s down 50 points.” You’re looking for completely unnecessary verification, dude. This babe
is showing you all you need to know by her actions. Read the signs! Like my cousin Rabbi
Love says: “Forget the verbiage, my son. This girl is practically screaming that she doesn’t
love you anymore.”

Does Riff stand any chance at patching up the relationship with Beverly? Find out if a
relationship break is in order next...

By the way, Riff, you don’t know it, but you’re actually very lucky that Beverly’s not
spewing her feelings all over you. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “That’s
why God made girlfriends, dawg!” You shouldn’t be talking about feelings in the first place
-- you should be talking about actions. To you Psych majors, actions count. Feelings mean
nothing.

So, Beverly’s “confused” about you. When a girl says she’s confused, it means her Interest
Level is below 50%. But I do agree with you, Riff: A break from Beverly would be good for
you. Like forever!

young and naive?

Another problem you’ve got, my friend, is this girl’s age: Beverly is very young. She’s not a
woman yet. What have I told you before? When she’s 19 or 20, she doesn’t have any
staying power and she doesn’t know what she wants.

You’re just as in the dark, dude. Beverly says she wants a break from you and you insist she
loves you “immensely.” Real swift, man. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “I’ll bet
you pull all As in college.” But heck, don’t pay any attention when your friend and girlfriend
tell you they have feelings for each other. I’m sure they’re lying. Just overlook the fact that
they text and flirt with each other. Like some other love doctors out there might tell you, your
problem is that you’re being uptight and jealous.

But seriously, do you really think your problems with Beverly are a matter of shoddy
communication? Let me remind you once again: Beverly is communicating with you. Every
one of her actions tells you what she’s thinking. She’s moody. She’s irritable. She tells you
she likes your buddy more than you. What more do you want, pal? She couldn’t be more
direct with you!

the writing is on the wall

Beverly doesn’t have to write out her feelings or see a therapist. Between being cranky and
smitten with your best friend, you’ve got all the evidence of her deepest emotions you’ll ever
need. So you’re getting all hung up here on something that doesn’t count. Do you really think
that after Beverly talks to a therapist her Interest Level is going to go from 45% back to 95%?
Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “That would be one great shrink -- I’d pay to see her
myself!”

Now let me get this straight. You feel a little threatened when your girl says she digs your
friend? Riff, are you taking language and logic in college? They flirt when they’re together,
they text each other constantly and you’re worried that if you take a break something might
happen? Wow. All I have to say is that you must be very strong in those subjects.

What should you do? Heck, that’s easy! Marry this girl! She’s the perfect girl for you!

Remember, guys: You have to learn to stop rationalizing.

Doc Love: Too Much Of A Challenge

Hey Doc,

I am an Air Force pilot stationed in Europe. I have to tell you that I never read your book. In
fact, I never even knew about you until a friend suggested that I read “The System,” but
frankly, I don’t have enough time for this. Anyway, here’s my story in short form.

My eternal passion is aircrafts. Period. Everything else comes second. That said, I met Bree,
who is 10 years younger than me. She asked for my number, then asked me to date her. We
did so for eight months. My buddy (who’s your student), said that I was too much of
Challenge for her. Because of my passion for aircrafts and my job, I never had enough time
for her and she had to beg for attention.

no time for her

I saw Bree once per week, sometimes once every two weeks. I didn’t do this on purpose. I just
wanted to see her whenever I had some free time. She began to complain that I was more in
love with flying than her. She got jealous and thought that I was seeing other girls. Every time
we met, Bree would bite me on the neck and purposely mark me with a big red scar! She was
so in love with me that she said she wanted to have babies with me. Anyway, after eight
months, she said that she couldn’t tolerate the situation anymore. She said that she wanted to
be in a healthy relationship where a man is romantic and thinks about her all the time. This is
something I am not.

I didn’t lose any sleep because Bree dumped me. But I want her back just for my ego. A pilot
never quits! So I went from being a Challenge to a bit of a needy chick. I called her and
admitted that I cheated on Bree when drunk and told her I wanted her back. Then I told her
that I was seeing another girl, which happens to be true. She didn’t reply. I then sent her a
message telling her I missed her and that while she might not be the prettiest girl I ever dated,
she was unique. Her response was to tell me to leave her alone. Any advice on how to get her
back?

Norm

doc love's answer

Hi Norm,

Before we examine your situation with Bree, let’s take a look at how you’re treating your
buddy. Here you have a friend, a guy you like and respect, a sharp and successful guy, and he
generously recommends that you invest in my book so that it can help you, but you don’t
have the time for it. This is very curious. You always find time to put gasoline in your
airplane,
don’t you? Because if you don’t fuel it, it won’t work. Well, it’s the same thing with the
opposite sex, Norm. Without “The System,” you’re not going to work with women.

achieving balance
I’m glad you have a passion, my friend. A man should love his job first and above
everything else. But from what you’ve said in your letter, it sounds like you need a bit of
balance in your life or you’ll never make it with a woman. To achieve that balance, you also
need to read seven pages of my book every night. That way, at the end of one month, you’ll
have read the book in its entirety. If you do it for 15 months you’ll know all about women.
Isn’t that simple? Just seven pages a night, Norm!

Seeing Bree, or any girl, once every two weeks is not enough. You have to see a girl twice a
week when she’s your girlfriend. Some guys want to see a girl three, four and five times a
week, but two is the perfect number. If a special occasion comes up, you can give her three
times. But if you can’t see a girl two times a week, forget about relationships. Like my cousin
Brother Love down in Watts says: “With women, dawg, you gotta put in the work!”

flying is his only love

Seeing a babe only when you have free time doesn’t work, pal. And by the way, like the great
Doctor Freud once said: “That’s a very immature statement.” The truth of the matter is that
you are more in love with flying than with Bree, which is good and healthy. The trouble in
this situation is that Bree’s not No. 2 on your list, she’s No. 17. The first 16 are airplanes.

Read on for more of Doc Love's answer to Norm...

It’s fair enough that Bree thought you were running around on her, but hopefully you really
weren’t. Anyway, she was insecure enough to mark you with a big red scar. Like my cousin
Sal “The Fish” Love says: “What is she, a vampire?” She actually begged you to have babies
with her. Do you see what happened here, Norm? Because you’re more in love with aircrafts
than her, it drove Bree crazy. To you Psych majors, that’s the power of challenge. Like my
cousin Rabbi Love says: “If only more men would realize this fact of life!”

someday he'll want company

I want a man to be romantic, but he should think about his girl part of the time -- not all of the
time. But here’s the most important point, Norm: one day you’re going to want to settle down
and have a wife and kids. That’s when you’re going to have to back off on the F-16s a little.

You didn’t lose sleep when Bree dumped you? That’s odd. When a girl drops you, it’s
supposed to trouble you. You’re not supposed to lose sleep when you dump her! But here you
are writing me, so you’re contradicting yourself.

I’m glad a pilot never quits, dude, but forget about getting Bree back for your ego. Once a
woman drops you, it’s over. There’s no going back. So what you’re doing now is a waste of
time.

You didn’t become a needy chick, Norm. So don’t put women down. You became a needy
guy.

skilled, but not with women

Now wait a minute here, buddy. You’re driving a $24 million airplane for the United States
and you’re a drunk? Oh, that’s just great! Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Hey, I’m really
happy about where my tax money is goin’!”

Finally, let me get this part straight. You’re trying to get Bree back and you’re telling her
she’s not the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen? That’s really endearing! Like my cousin
General Love says: “Soldier, if that tactic doesn’t work, nothing will!”

But seriously, it’s no wonder Bree told you to leave her alone. She wants nothing to do with
you. You’re history, burned out, gone, Norm. There’s no possible way to get this girl back.
But what you should be thinking about instead is the next girl who’s going to dump you.
You’re going to want her back too, but you’re going to make the same old mistakes because
you don’t have the time to memorize my materials. My gosh, Norm, what are you waiting
for?

Remember, guys: flying an F-16 is easier than understanding women.

Doc Love: On Other Love Doctors

Hey Doc,

Because of your materials I have a great gal, Jane, who just asked me to get married. Thanks
a ton for coaching me on how to keep my girlfriend in love.

My question is this: I was at Jane’s apartment when she was listening to Dr. Laura. A married
woman called up and said she wanted to go to lunch with the mother of a guy she dated for
three weeks during a breakup she had with her present husband, and just prior to their getting
married. She said she had gone out with the guy only three times and it was no big deal
because now she is very happily married. She added that she has gotten very close to her ex’s
mom. Dr. Laura said it was a good idea to go on the lunch date and that she should invite her
husband to come along. The husband balked and wanted nothing to do with the arrangement,
causing friction in the marriage.
love cop
It was Jane’s opinion that the husband was off base and uptight over nothing. But in “The
System” you emphasize: “No exes lurking in the background!” I smell a rat because you have
taught me to be a love cop.

What’s the deal, Doc? Is Dr. Laura full of it and dispensing lousy advice or is it really no big
deal to keep in touch with your ex’s mother?

Biggy - who wants to know what is really going on

doc love's answer

Hi Biggy,

First of all, thanks for the compliment. One of the fundamental goals of “The System” is to
teach guys how to keep their women in love with them over the long haul. Glad to hear it’s
working. If you abide by the principles in my book, she’ll be in love with you forever.

You are dead-on right in your assessment of this situation, but most people wouldn’t see it.
But before we look at it closely, I want to say something about Dr. Laura, Dr. Phil, Dr. Joy
Brown, Dr. Drew Pinsky, and all the other love doctors who claim to be experts in all fields
of human experience.

jack of all love trades

There are over 20 types of engineers: mechanical, industrial, electrical, mathematical, etc.
Each one is a specialist and an expert in his or her area of endeavor. And as the old adage
goes, you simply cannot be great at everything. To you Psych majors, if you try to be all
things to all people, you will end up a jack of all trades and master of none. Dr. Laura, for
example, gives advice on how to raise kids and how to not argue with the neighbors about
their barking dog, as well as everything else in between. She gives lots of advice in many
different areas of life, but I only give advice in one, the most important area of all if you want
to be a success with women -- how to keep her Interest Level in the stars. I don’t give advice
in other areas, because I have only one strong suit. It’s my contention that this should apply
to all love doctors.

Doc Love finishes explaining to Biggy why other love doctors just don't have what he has...

unanswered questions
Now let’s look at the situation you brought up regarding the married woman who befriended
her ex’s mother. What Dr. Laura did not see, or ask the wife, was this: “If you had an
argument with your fiancé, why did you go out with another guy so soon after the argument?”
Like my cousin General Love says: “So much for loyalty, right?” And here’s another crucial
question that she missed putting to that married woman: “Couldn't you have been alone for a
day or two until you worked it out with your fiancé before running off to another guy?” Or
how about this one: “How did you meet this guy’s mom and get so close with her son in only
three dates?”

No, Dr. Laura missed everything of importance here. She should also have said to the
chummy married woman: “After you have lunch with your ex’s mom, your ex is going to ask
her questions like: ‘Do you think that she’s happily married? Can I go along on your next
meeting?’” etc. In other words, this guy is still lurking in the background, waiting for his
moment to pounce. But Dr. Laura didn’t think of that either, did she?

advice on women from women?

The poor, hapless husband intuitively knew that the conversation his wife shared with the
mother of her ex would be heard by the son -- his wife’s ex. And the ex happens to be the guy
who wanted the married woman. He might not have put it into so many words, but it was Dr.
Laura’s job to bring that very important point out. Maybe she didn’t want to. Like my cousin
Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “One thing you can say about women is that they stick
together!”

Now, that husband should be asking his wife: “If I hit a tree and died and your ex called for
a date, would you go out with him?” Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “I’d love to
be a fly on the wall for that conversation!”

she's anti-loyal
That wife thinks her hubby is jealous and possessive. But it’s my opinion she’s anti-loyal.
Even if she thinks her hubby is wrong and too backwards in his thinking, isn't her marriage
more important than having lunch with someone her husband would prefer she not see?
Apparently she would rather make her husband uncomfortable and be right rather than be
loved. Dr. Laura missed that part of it, too. The truth is that she missed everything, Biggy.
Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Would you ask that woman for advice?”

Remember, guys: Loyalty is numero uno.

Doc Love: Taking Love Too Fast

Hey Doc,
First, about me: Typically, I’m the jerk who every girl falls for, but I end up screwing things
up or just losing interest and hurting the girl’s feelings. This time around, it’s different. Don’t
ask me why, but it is.

Get this; a few days ago I contacted Ashley through a dating website. She’s hot, she’s a
blonde, she’s younger than me, has a good head on her shoulders, and lives nearby. After two
days of talking she came to my place to meet me. We ended up hanging out and watching TV.
At three in the morning I asked if she was staying or going. She said you can kick me out if
you want, but I don’t feel like driving home right now. So throughout the whole night, I found
her either getting up close to me or taking my arm and putting it around her. Good sign.

instant connection
The next day she went to work and we texted on and off all day long. I asked if she was going
to come back that night -- I was just kidding, never expecting her to come -- but she did. So I
was thinking, wow, she must really be interested in me or she’s mental. Or both. The same
thing happened. We watched TV and hung out and nothing romantic or intimate happened. In
the morning, before she left, she kissed me a few times during our goodbye hug.

When we were talking on the phone the next night, Ashley told me she plans on being
married within two years and wants a serious and long-term relationship now. She said she’s
been through a ton of crap in her life and knows what kind of guy she wants. Then she said
she wanted me. Now I’m head over heals for her just because she rubbed my ego the right
way.

he's smitten
I can’t get Ashley out of my head. I want to talk to her all day long. If I could, I’d just drive
over to her place and see her. I know that it might be a bit freaky to just show up, but I would
do it. And the thing is I’ve never felt this way about a girl in my life. Ever. She might be the
right girl for me.

What should I do? Ashley said she’s never ever cheated, and we share very similar views
about what we want in a relationship and that we’re sick of just dating and hookups. What
does this mean? Did I find my soul mate/dream girl? Or is this way too good to be true?

Thanks, Doc.

Curly - who keeps pinching himself

Read on for Doc Love's answer...

doc love's answer

Hi Curly,

Just how do you figure that Ashley has a good head on her shoulders? Because she hung
around your bedroom until three in the morning on the night she met you? You don’t even
know this woman, my friend. The Bottom Line Factor says you know as much about her as
you do the lady who checks you out at the supermarket. In other words, she’s a complete
stranger. So you have no rational basis whatsoever for making that statement. I’m not trying
to burst your bubble here. My job is to help you to face reality, and that’s what I’m doing.

do you really know her?

So, you hung out and watched TV all night with this soul mate of yours? Like my cousin
Brother Love down in Watts says: “You’re quite the big spender, ain’t you, dawg?” You
should have kicked Ashley out at 10 o’clock instead of letting her sleep at your pad until early
morning. Sure, it was a good sign that she put her arm around you -- but only if you’d been
going out with her for a month -- but not on the first meeting, Curly. Like my cousin Fast
Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “This girl’s way too fast, even for me!” So maybe you’re
right -- she’s mental.

You’re texting back and forth with this girl all day long after being with her once? Curly, you
know absolutely zero about Challenge and the concept of giving a girl some space! Don’t you
realize that you’ve only spent a few hours with this girl and you’re already giving away the
store? Think about it. You’ve had exactly two dates -- if you can even call them dates -- with
Ashley and you’re already madly in love, that’s what you’re telling me here. Like my cousin
Rabbi Love says: “My son, isn’t this a bit too impulsive for you, especially with your track
record?”

put the brakes on

It’s great that Ashley rubbed your ego the right way and that your heart is pounding wildly,
but again, you’ve only seen this girl a couple of times. If you’d been going out with her for
three months and she did this, I’d be doing back flips for you. But not after hanging with her
twice where all the two of you did was stare at a TV screen. I’ll repeat what I said earlier:
You know absolutely nothing about her. You've barely started a relationship.

Curly, I certainly believe that you want to rap with this babe all day long. But practicing self
control, you know not to do it -- right? I certainly hope so. Of course it would be freaky to
show up on Ashley’s doorstep. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “What do you
wanna do, come off as a stalker?” If something goes wrong, you’ll end up in jail, dude.

Don’t get me wrong, Curly. I want you to have high feelings for this girl. I just don’t want
you to act upon them. If you go in like a bull in the proverbial china shop, you’ll only
succeed in wrecking everything. To you Psych majors, you have to let the relationship unfold
slowly.
wait and see
What should you do? Put it in reverse right now. But you say that you and Ashley have
similar views and attitudes. Pal, you have no real basis for this because you haven’t been
around her long enough to know what she thinks.

What does this whole thing mean? It means nothing whatsoever except that you and Ashley
are both head over heels for each other after two dates. Whether or not it will last another
40 years, that’s another question altogether.

Did you find your dream girl? If Ashley acts the same way toward you in three months as
she’s acting now, then yes. But you have to get that time in with her before you can move
forward with your relationship. There’s no other way.

This whole thing isn’t too good to be true, buddy -- it’s just way, way too fast. Like my
cousin General Love says: “When you go in fast, you go out fast.”

Remember, guys: You have to get lots of time in with her before you know where she’s really
coming from.

Doc Love: Bros Before Hos

Hey Doc,

First off, I’m sorry to say that I can’t afford "The System," but I have read almost all of
your columns and I can see your wisdom.

Anyway, I was hoping that you would help me to help my brother break it off with this girl
who has, and I’m not exaggerating, been literally sucking the life, soul and goodness out of
him. He met her online, they dated for about nine months, everything moved very quickly.
Within one month they said “I love you,” and within four or five they were talking about
moving to Vegas and getting married. My brother is 25 and this is his first real girlfriend.
She’s 21, by the way.

she's a con-lover
I saw almost straight off that she was no good, and that his Interest Level reached 99% very
quickly. I’m not sure that hers ever topped 75%. Then came the real kicker: Her felon ex --
who is old enough to be her father, has done 12 years in prison and has a bunch of kids --
came into town, and she spent a week in a hotel with him. Even worse, my brother found out
and stayed with this tramp, even though she forbade him from exacting any sort of vengeance
and refused to cut it off with her outlaw ex. Worse still, my brother spends almost as much
time with this parasite as he did before. His Interest Level is still at 95% and hers has waned
to probably 25%. He won’t end it even though she uses him to yell at when she pleases and to
ignore when he calls her.

Please, please Doc, help me to help him lose this vermin. Help me come up with the vaccine
to rid him of this scum. Please tell me how to get through to him.

Shemp - who feels helpless but knows that it's bros before hos

doc love's answer

Hi Shemp,

First of all, let me get this straight: You’ve read a bunch of my columns, you can obviously
see that I have a great deal of wisdom when it comes to women and dating, you agree with
everything I say -- then you tell me you can’t afford my book. I don’t get it. Now, if this were
1965, $99 would be a lot of money. But today, $99 is virtually nothing. You can go out with
your buddies for dinner and drinks and easily blow $100 in one night and get nothing out of it
except a bad hangover. Here you’ve got a book of profound wisdom, the kind of coaching
that can make your life immeasurably better in all areas, and you won’t spring for it. It makes
no sense. But now I do understand how you and your brother have found yourselves
marooned in this swamp.

Shemp, this tragedy wouldn’t be happening to your sibling had he memorized my materials
because I would have steered him clear of this train wreck. Did you think of that, my friend?
Don’t I tell you every week in my column that if you want to avoid disaster at the hands of
bad women that you have to read and commit my book to memory? Again, it’s absolutely
baffling why you two won’t spend a few bucks to help yourselves. Like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says: “You guys must really be into pain and suffering.”

Can Doc Love make Shemp realize the importance of "The System" and how it can help his
brother?

too much too soon

On to your brother’s fix. Everything that happened between him and this girl happened way
too fast. On the other hand, it’s understandable. Your brother’s 25, he’s never had a date and
this vampire happens along. If he -- or any guy -- doesn’t know my principles, he’s a sitting
duck for a predator. No mystery there whatsoever. Like the old Chinese saying goes: “It’s
happened to millions of other guys before him, grasshopper.” And she’s only 21? In other
words, she’s a little girl with a great face and a killer body and your brother is completely and
totally smitten. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “When a man is smitten, he can’t think
straight.” Then again, what can your brother do? Ninety-nine smackers is way too much
money to shell out to extricate him from a mess like this!

So, this little girl spent a week shacked up with a felon old enough to be her father? Like my
Uncle Jethro Love says: “Sounds like she’s great marriage material!” What’s the big problem,
Shemp?

vengeance is served cold in prison

I’m not laughing because this is no laughing matter. This babe warned your brother about
exacting revenge on a hardened criminal? Buddy, you should be warning your brother to
hide from this guy! Don’t forget, this bird spent 12 years in stir. Vengeance is going to be
coming at your brother, not the other way around. He’s going to come out to his car one
night, see that the tires are slashed and the windows are bashed in, and it’s going to cost him
$2,200 to get it fixed. But you’re right -- $99 is way too expensive to save your brother’s life!
And by the way, like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Does this ex-con
happen to have a swastika tattooed on his forehead?”

The truly sad thing is that your poor brother is in hell on earth right now, Shemp, and you’re
powerless to do anything to get him out of it. And here’s the ironic part: You’ve come to me
because he needs all the help he can get, but you’re too cheap to pull him out of his quagmire
by buying him the only book in the world that can save him both physically and emotionally.
Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “You’re not being much of a brother, my son.”

Remember, guys: The only way you can be your brother’s keeper is through “The System.”

Doc Love: When Her Ex Comes Home

Hey Doc,

I’ve been reading your articles about returning exes and found them helpful, but only up to a
point. I’ll explain.

her ex has come home

I met Samira a month ago and we hit it off immediately. We got very romantic the first night.
Since then, it’s been going great. We see each other nearly every day and spend pretty much
the entire weekend together. Recently, however, her ex returned and said he wants her back.
They saw each other for a year and split up about three months before we met.

Samira’s ex lover is a complete jerk. He treats her like dirt and talks down to her, but she is
now saying she is confused and doesn’t know what to do or who to choose, despite all her
friends and her mother telling her that it should be me. He keeps calling and texting her, and
they have met up a few times. The other day, though, when they met up, they got very
romantic -- which was a real punch in the crotch. She told me afterward at a party that she
was “thinking of me the whole time.”

her ex has confused her

Doc, I honestly believe her on this. Her ex was also present at this same party. Every time he
saw us together he came over and told her to go with him, which she did. Not wanting to play
second fiddle, I went off and started having a good time, but while I was getting a drink I saw
her crying her eyes out. I went over to see if she was OK, and she said she just didn’t know
who to choose. While she was telling me this, her ex came over, gave me a dirty look, and
took her home.

ah, her ex comes home to show how gentle he is

A few hours later I got a call from Samira. She was in tears again, and told me she was sorry
for being stupid and ruining my evening. She sounded so upset that I went to her house to
see if she was OK. She wasn’t. She told me her ex had spent the last few hours shouting at
her and making everything seem like it was her fault and that he pushed and slapped her.
Anyway, it got late and I had to leave. Samira still hasn’t made a decision whether to go with
her ex or me. What should I do?

Hamsi - Who doesn’t know what to do when her ex comes home.

doc love’s answer

Hi Hamsi,

This girl needs help all right, but you’re not exactly perfect yourself.

a trilogy of mistakes
Your first mistake was getting romantic with Samira the very first night you met. That's way,
way too fast. What’s your hurry, man? You should have walked her to her door, said thanks
for the fun time, and then gotten out of there.

Your second mistake was seeing her every day. Like my cousin General Love says: “When
you’re starving on the battlefield, you have to spoon-feed yourself.”

Your third mistake was hanging out with this girl on weekends. She doesn’t get weekends
until she asks you why you never ask her out on weekends.
Obviously, you have absolutely no idea how to use the concept of Challenge, especially when
her ex comes home. You would have if you’d read and memorized my book, but you haven’t,
have you, Hamsi? As I’ve told you guys before, my columns are just a glimpse into the vast
treasure trove that is “The System.” Why would you not want to get your hands on all that
gold? Gosh, what are you waiting for, another ex to show up?

Doc Love helps Hansi understand what to do when her ex comes home...

the critical question is...

The most critical question in your fix is this: What is Samira’s Interest Level in you versus
her Interest Level in her ex? What you’ve learned here -- though you haven’t seen or
understood it -- is that Samira loves jerks. And this ex of hers is a big jerk, but she’s wild
about him. On the other hand, you’re a nice guy who’s all over her like white on rice, but
does she love you as much? Samira has low Self-Esteem and that’s why she loves this jerk. In
addition, the jerk is a negative Challenge, which entices her even more. Looks like you don’t
stand a chance.

Now, let me get this straight. Samira goes out voluntarily behind your back with another guy
when she supposedly loves you? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “This girl’s a real
cuckoo!” But even worse, she tells you that she makes out with her ex, and you’re supposed
to hang around. Then, worst of all, you do hang around. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
from East
L.A. says: “Boy, talk about a whipped little puppy dog!”

how sweet, her thoughts were with you

But how romantic is it that she was thinking of you the whole time she was in her ex’s arms?
This guy has his tongue down her throat and her mind is only on you. What a good girl she is!

I’m sure you honestly believe Samira when she tells you that she thinks only of you when she
fools around with another guy. And here’s something else I honestly believe: Your Interest
Level is 100% and Samira’s is in the 30s.

Now, let me get something else straight. You’re with Samira at this party, the ex stops by
and says get over here, and she just drops you like a bad habit. And you say you don’t want
to play second fiddle. If that’s the case, you should have walked up to these two and said: “I
hope you guys really make it this time and I wish you all the luck in the world,” then you
should have walked off, took Samira’s phone number and set a match to it. But what did you
do? You stood there while the jerk took Samira home. Like my cousin Brother Love down in
Watts says: “This dawg’s in charge, I have to give him that!” He doesn’t mess around, unlike
you, Hamsi. You’re much too passive.

stupid is as stupid does

Actually, Hamsi, it’s a good deal for you that Samira is stupid, because you like stupid
women. To you Psych majors: You should stay away from any girl who likes a guy to slap
her around. Of course she should have called the police when it happened and gotten a
restraining order against this turkey. Then again, Samira’s not a normal woman. And like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “By the way, you should stay away from this girl before her
ex starts slapping you around too.”

Samira has made a decision who to choose, dude. Her decision is that she’ll run to Macho
Boy when he snaps his fingers and she’ll keep the Wimp too -- so she’ll have you both. And
Hamsi, guess which one of those guys you are?

Remember, guys: Don’t go out with women who need psychiatrists.

Doc Love: Women Who Play Games

Hey Doc,

I read “The System” and let me tell you, it’s a great book with great advice for guys. I
learned a lot from reading your book and I apply it to every area of my life.

attracting the wrong women

Anyway, three months ago I broke up with my ex of two years, or I should say she broke up
with me, because she wasn’t happy that my professional sports career kept me away from her
for five months a year. But it was for the best because she played way too many games and
was very manipulative. With her gone, I have had more time to run my business, take classes,
hang out with family and friends, study Spanish, etc.

I’m a pretty good-looking guy, I have a good education and I have always been Cocky &
Funny because it’s my personality. Meeting women has never been a problem. I know a lot
of females play games and need constant attention, but the women I’ve usually ended up with
are the worst. Maybe it’s my desire to play hero to these needy chicks. Or, because I tend to
date the hotter women, they come with more problems and give me more crap.

I’ve now started dating again and I want to stay on the cautious side. The latest may not be as
hot as the ones I usually date, but Colleen is a college professor with potential. If she didn’t
dress the part and did something with her hair (I wish I could tell her in a subtle way that it’s
too long and frizzy and would be better if she had a hair dresser give her a more
complimenting cut), she would actually be really hot.
just friends?
I dated Colleen four times over the past month, and it has been good; I’m moving on the
cautious side of course, and she and I have enjoyed every date. We had a nice time on
Saturday, but on Sunday she texted me to say she had a great time and couldn’t wait to see me
again -- even if it is just as friends. I questioned what she meant by that, and she said that she
just means she likes hanging out with me and no matter how things turn out she wants to
remain friends. She basically said that she didn’t feel like I was opening up and that I didn’t
seem interested in her. I told her I don’t like to move fast and it takes time for me to feel
comfortable with a chick. Then, she said we should hang out with no obligations. She added
that we should date other people. I said fine, but I don’t like to date more than one person at a
time, and if she wanted to, it was best if we were just friends.

After five minutes she was back to her old self. It seemed like she was just using the concept
of dating other people to get more out of me, like a threat. That’s a huge turn-off because I’ve
dealt with women who play games before. Anyway, I’m trying to understand what she wants.
Did she say that to manipulate me or make me worry about losing her to another guy in an
attempt to get more out of me? Did she say it to show that she wasn’t trying to move too fast
either? Is this really nothing to worry about? Does she have low Interest Level and really
want to date someone else?

I don’t want to make the same mistakes and end up with a game-player. Could you weigh in,
Doc?

Freeman - who’s trying to decode one of many women who play games

Doc Love weighs in on women who play games after the jump...

Hi Freeman,

First of all, thanks for the compliment. And you’re absolutely right, “The System” does apply
to all areas of life. You’ll notice that it applies beautifully to business, and after you
memorize the book, you’re going to observe people from a different perspective. You’re
going to understand what their real motives are when you deal with them. This tells you how
profound my principles are and how valuable my book is.

Now, when your ex started dating you, she knew you had a sports career, didn’t she? She
knew you’d be gone five months out of the year, right? She knew all of this, but she
continued to date you anyway? Why did she waste your time and then decide to get rid of you
when it finally sank in that you had to be away from her for nearly half the year? It’s too bad
you hadn’t read my book sooner -- and gotten out sooner. Sad to say, most guys wait until
they’re dying until they get my book.

reading women
The good thing is that all of your problems with women who play games should be a thing of
the past now that you have my book. Once you read it 15 times, you’re going to figure out a
babe in two to three dates max, then you’re out of there. No more wasted time and no more
wasted money.

The second reason you mentioned is the real reason you’re having trouble with women. I
don’t think you’re trying to play hero to these needy chicks, Freeman, but I do believe that
when you start getting into Beautiful Women, they’re much more trouble -- and this is just a
generalization -- than an average-looking woman. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East
L.A. says: “She might be hot, but you always have to ask yourself whether you want to risk
getting burned. And chances are you will.” Unless, of course, you abide by my principles.

I don’t think you necessarily have to be cautious when dating, but I think you should read my
materials faithfully, listen to my CDs in the car, be aware of what’s going on, and keep your
eyes open at all times when you’re dealing with the opposite sex.

make her think it was her idea

You can’t tell Colleen directly about her hair. But what you could do is show her a photo in a
magazine like Vogue or Elle and say to her: “How do you think your hair would look cut like
that?” or: “I kind of like the hair on this girl. What do you think?” And then, if she has high
Interest Level and is a Flexible Giver, maybe she’ll pick up on it and go out and have it done.
That way she’ll feel like she’s in control, and she’ll think it was her idea. To you Psych
majors: You can never directly criticize a woman. It never works.

More on women who play games next...

womanese 101
However, that’s a minor concern here. When she uttered the word “friends,” it wasn’t a small
red flag. Like my cousin General Love says: “This red flag was the size of Alaska!” Anytime
they start mumbling about being friends, you’re in over your head.

Why is this woman talking about a negative possibility after only four dates? You’re on the
way out, dude. She’s telling you through Womanese that you’re finished.

If Colleen had any brains, and she should since she’s a college professor, she should know
that since you’ve taken her out four times in a row that you’re interested in her. So, saying
she thinks you’re not really interested in her is just an excuse for something else. As far as
opening up to her, you should have asked her what, specifically, she would like to know
about you?

when it’s time to move on

Telling this babe that you don’t like to move fast is a waste of time. Like my Uncle Jethro
Love says: “You might just as well go and talk to a cow out in the pasture.” The better thing
to do is keep your mouth shut and write her off.

When Colleen says that she doesn’t want either of you to have obligations, she’s really telling
you her Interest Level is below 50%. When she tells you she thinks you should date other
people, she’s telling you her Interest Level is below 40%. But you went ahead and told her
that you don’t like to date more than one person at a time. Why in the world are you telling
this person who’s not interested in you such a personal thing about yourself? Do you think it’s
actually going to change her mind? Freeman, you’re very, very naive. Ironically, you have my
book, which I find very interesting. It means you’ve read it, or parts of it, but haven’t
committed it to memory. Keep working on it, pal.

It is possible that Colleen was making a veiled threat in your phone conversation, but I think
she was really telling you about her Interest Level -- and it’s not high. She’s not playing a
game with you, my friend, she’s being very honest. What she’s saying is: "I’m going to see
you, and even though your Interest Level is high, mine isn’t, and I’m still going to go out with
you and waste your time romantically."

don't cross that border

What Colleen really wants is to go out with a guy and have no strings attached, like she said.
She’s not trying to get more out of you. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “You’re
off in la-la land with that theory.” She’s not telling you anything about moving fast or slow;
she’s telling you she’s not interested in you.

Is this something to worry about? No, not as long as you don’t mind dating women with less
than 50% Interest Level. I can’t say whether Colleen wants to date someone else, but I do
know this: Her Interest Level is south of the border.

Remember, guys: When she says it’s OK to date someone else, it’s time to move on.

Doc Love: She's In A Relationship

Hey Doc,

I’ve been reading your articles now for the past year or so. They have provided me with a lot
of inspiration to keep on going after my relationships didn’t work out or if I was in a drought.
But now I’m enamored with one particular girl, and I’m stuck.

Here’s the back story: I was transferred overseas for my job. On the first day at work I was
stunned to find that a beautiful woman, Nico, worked at my new office (a big surprise,
considering that I’m an engineer on a construction site). During the first month there was a
lot of casual flirting between us. Finally, I asked her out on a date, she said yes, and it was
perfect. Afterward, it ended with a proper kiss; needless to say, I was stoked. We went on a
couple of more dates and all was well with the world.

she has a boyfriend

I painstakingly tried not to get ahead of myself, but we did get very romantic, and it was even
more wonderful. Fast-forward a few weeks (and several more special nights), and she drops a
huge bomb on me: She has a boyfriend. Crap. I was shocked. She never said anything about
him. But then she drops an even bigger bomb: He’s coming to work at the same site as us, and
he’s moving in with her!

So, I backed off, he moved in and Nico slowly started getting tired of his BS. She wouldn’t
tell me anything about her relationship with him, and I didn’t pry (by the way, I got the word
from a mutual friend, who happened to mention it in passing). He didn’t even know that Nico
and I had any form of relationship going on.

Anyway, after a couple of months, Nico’s boyfriend got fired and moved back to his
hometown. Things started to heat up between Nico and I once again. After spending time
together for another month and a half -- with no boyfriend in sight -- things were good again.

fool me once
What a sucker I am. Now she’s leaving on a three-week holiday with the boyfriend. On the
day she left, I gave her a lift to her house. When I dropped her off, it was a terrible goodbye,
with no hug and no kiss. When I left, I was about 15 minutes down the road when I decided to
turn around. Nico and I then had a proper goodbye; it was very emotional. It was then that I
made my biggest mistake: I told her that I was in love with her. I didn’t even get an “I love
you” back. Instead I got, “I have a love for you, but I don’t know if I’m in love with you.”

What the hell do I do now?

Puck - who’s a retard at relationships

doc love's answer

Hi Puck,

Let me ask you something: You’ve read 52 of my articles, you’re totally obsessed with a girl
you can’t handle, you’re heartbroken, and you don’t have my book? What are you waiting
for, my friend, more pain and torture?
does she want you or the attention?
When Nico dropped the boyfriend bomb on you, you should have said: “As soon as you’re
done with this guy, call me.” What you have to remember here is that this girl is going out
with you -- and making out with you behind her boyfriend’s back. So, she’s running two
stooges (that you know of). Who knows how many more she has? What this means is that
Nico can’t do without the incoming attention. She loves the fact that there are two guys
coming at her, and that she’s the one controlling the whole mess.

She has a boyfriend -- what can Nico do at this point? Doc Love continues to weigh in after
the jump...

She then has the nerve to bring the boyfriend to work with you and move in with him! This
girl has a lot of Integrity, there’s no doubt about that. However, you believe she’s tired of the
other guy’s BS. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “They always say that, but she
didn’t move out, did she?” The fact that you didn’t tell the mutual friend anything about you
and Nico shows you could handle something right, though.

Now let me get this straight because I can hardly believe it: After the other guy got canned
from the job and went home, you went back to Nico? That was the biggest mistake of your
life. In case you haven’t noticed, this girl is untrustworthy. You can’t trust her at all; she used
you. So why in the world would you want to go back to her? Like the great Doctor Freud
once said: “Did your mother take away your blanket when you were two years old?”

you’ve been played

Now she has left for a long holiday with the old boyfriend who was supposedly out of the
picture. Man, this girl can really operate. She manipulates you with the skill of a great artist.
Women are always complaining that guys are players. Well, you’ve got a player right here,
Puck. And like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “She owns two turkeys -- you at work, the other
dope on holiday.”

Nevertheless, you gave Nico a lift the day she left. Why? You should have thrown her
number into the toilet and flushed instead. You should never even have talked to this girl
again. When you’re at work, smile and be cordial, but as far as dating her, you would have to
have rocks in your head to open the door to more pain. Nico has shown you her true colors,
but you won’t look at them. But, of course, you don’t have my book, so what could you
expect?

goodbye or get lost?

Did you really expect Nico to hug and kiss you goodbye? Dude, she’s going to an island to
kiss another guy for three weeks -- don’t you get it? She's just not that into you. And why
would you want to kiss her?
The goodbye on her doorstep wasn’t emotional for Nico -- it was emotional for you. Like my
cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “Dawg, this girl really did some number on your
head!” And I have more bad news for you, pal: Nico doesn’t have any emotions. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “This girl’s not a keeper. She’s a snake and a
user.”

But you went and blurted out that you loved her. Great. She’s going off to spend three weeks
in bed with some guy on an island, and you’re telling her you love her. Hey, that’s perfectly
rational in my book.

When Nico told you she had “a love” for you, it was the only honest thing she ever said in her
life. To you Psych majors: When a girl says something like that, it means she’s not in love
with you. It means she’s just playing with you.

The fact is that you never owned this girl, buddy. If you had, she wouldn’t have pulled all this
crap on you. But you would only have known that if you’d read “The System.”

There’s only one thing you can do now, Puck: Get my book, memorize it and don’t just flip
through another 52 articles.

Remember, guys: If she hurts you once, don’t allow her to hurt you twice.

Doc Love: Uncomfortable With The Way She Dresses

Hey Doc,

I just received “The System” the other day, but I have a question that can’t wait. My
girlfriend, Lexi, and I have been together for three years. She’s probably a 9 or a 10 and I fell
for her the moment I saw her. She’s by far the hottest woman I’ve ever been with.

she like the attention

For the most part, everything with our relationship is good. But there is one area that really
causes friction from time to time and frustrates me: Lexi seems to have this larger-than-
average need for attention. What I mean by this is that she doesn’t just demand a large
amount of attention from me, but she seems to seek it from other men as well.

See, Lexi is built like my dream girl (and, I imagine, most guys’ dream girl). She has a
beautiful face with full lips, big doe eyes, great legs, and all the curves I could ever ask for.
The problem is that she loves to wear clothes that also show off her great assets to every Tom,
Dick and Harry on the street. This has caused some serious problems between us when we go
out in public due to the countless amounts of men that stare. I’ve even come close to a few
fistfights with other guys who have gotten a bit too disrespectful.

going home with a blockbuster

Now, don’t get me wrong, I do realize that no matter how much these guys stare, I’m the one
that actually gets to be with Lexi. I don’t worry about physical confrontations, as I am 6-foot-
2, 205 pounds, and I boxed for a few years when I was younger; so most guys don’t get too
brazen. But I don’t understand why Lexi feels the need to draw this kind attention to herself,
especially since it causes problems between us. She also goes out with her friends to
nightclubs dressed this way, which I don’t even dare think about.

Lexi’s excuse is that she had an overbearing mother who always forced her to cover up. She
then turns the tables on me by saying that I only get angry over this because of my own
insecurities and jealousy and that if she really wanted the attention of all these guys, she
would just go and be single. I have no comebacks for these types of arguments. The only
thing I can do is refer back to the horror stories she has told me about public incidents with
her ex-husband on account of how she dressed.

uncomfortable with her sexy style

So my question is this: Do I have a right to be uncomfortable with the way she dresses or am I
indeed just being overly jealous and insecure? Is this just one of the things I have to deal with
when dating a 10?

I generally do not enjoy women who feel the need to draw attention to themselves, but I try to
go out of my way to tell Lexi I love her and how gorgeous she is, but she still gets upset that I
don’t tell her these things enough. Is this why she constantly looks for the attention of John
Doe on the street? Am I just ignorant of my woman’s needs?

Coach me, Doc! I’m going crazy because I’m uncomfortable with the way she dresses.

Flip - who is the jealous type

Doc Love lets Flip and you know what the issues are when you’re uncomfortable with the
way she dresses…

doc love’s answer

Hi Flip,

You put your finger on your problem up in the second paragraph of your letter: Lexi has a
greater-than-average need for attention. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “My son, since
we all live to our 80s these days, are you going to be able to deal with this behavior all that
time?”

What you have here is a high-maintenance woman. If things are perfect with her in every
other area and you don’t mind enduring Lexi’s exhibitionism for the next 40 or 50 years,
you’ll be fine. But if on occasion you want to be left alone for a while and she needs to hear
how much you love her every five minutes, it’s going to drive you crazy over the long haul.

one man will never be enough

Unfortunately, that’s not where it stops. One man is never going to be sufficient for this girl.
To you Psych majors: She has low self-esteem, so the love of one man is not enough for her.
Not that she’s giving the other men love, but she obviously needs their attention. Why does
she care what rank strangers think about her? And the guys who check her out don’t have any
love for her -- which she really wants, down deep -- they’re just lusting after her.

So, the problem is not that Lexi wears sexy clothes. That’s merely the effect. This girl
has massive insecurity, in spite of the fact that she looks like Megan Fox and could be on
the cover of Vogue magazine.

“don’t stare,” my mother always said

Staring at a woman is rude and it’s a truly horrible habit, but most guys do it all the time. And
they do it when you’re with Lexi, so they’re not showing you any respect. When these guys
see a beautiful woman, they just lose control of themselves. I never stare at beautiful women
no matter where I am. Everyone else is already staring at them, so why should I? If I want to
impress her, I won’t pay attention to her in order to stand out from the turkeys who can’t help
themselves.

Flip, I hope for your sake that you don’t get into a fight with a guy who happens to be a gang
member and he pulls out a gun. What will you do then? Get yourself offed over this girl?
Remember, you’re going to be with her for 40 years. Like my cousin General Love says:
“You may be rough and tough and very macho, but can you dodge or outrun a bullet?”

she likes to be stroked

Lexi needs to act the way she does because she has to try to fill a vast empty space in her
and she needs the strokes. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “She had a lousy
childhood and you’re going to pay for it for the rest of your life.”

Doc Love reveals the truth about Flip’s girl…

Now, on to her night activities; it’s one thing if a girl dresses sexy when she’s with you, but
why is she going out with her girlfriends and having guys try to pick her up in clubs and bars?
You’re telling me she loves you, but when she dresses provocatively when she’s out on the
town it implies she’s available. Guys are coming up to her and she’s playing the rejection
card with them. This is very dangerous behavior. Dude, this girl’s a sicko.

So Lexi had a miserable childhood and was treated poorly by her mother. But can’t she be
modest and cover up at least a little? Does she really have to go to the other extreme? This
girl is totally immature.

she’s a “single” girl

You’re not the one with the insecurities, Flip; don’t let it get to your head. What your girl is
doing is disrespectful and disloyal. If you were to go out to dinner and stare at the waitress’
legs, that would also be disrespectful and disloyal. So it’s the same thing. It has nothing do
with jealousy or insecurity.

Lexi doesn’t need to go out and be single. She already acts that way. She hangs around in
clubs without you, doesn’t she? That’s acting like she’s single. She’s talking out of both sides
of her mouth. And she’s got the best of both worlds.

The reason you don’t have comebacks for Lexi’s arguments is because you haven’t
memorized my materials. This mess you’re in is all about loyalty and respect and has nothing
to do with jealousy. Jealousy is when you see your girl talking to some guy at a party and you
want to go over and jump on him when he hasn’t even come on to her and he’s innocently
standing there with his wife. What you’re dealing with is something else altogether.

Flip, you have to remember something: Lexi’s ex went through the same thing you’re going
through. What makes you think you're going to be any different? Her ex wasn’t a jealous guy,
but what she did to him was disrespectful. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says:
“This girl could literally get you killed, dawg.”

she does it for the team

Flip, you might not be jealous, but you should feel uncomfortable. And you’re uncomfortable
because Lexi’s dissing your relationship by not being loyal to you. Remember the old James
Bond movie For Your Eyes Only? To Lexi it’s for your eyes only -- as long as you’re the
soccer team!

You shouldn’t be telling this babe how much you love her and how gorgeous she is. You’re
talking to the wall, buddy. Your compliments rate right up there with stares from strangers.
You tell Lexi you love her and you treat her great, but in her mind it’s the same as a leer from
a guy on the street because her clothes are too tight and she’s showing too much skin.

she’s an empty vessel

Flip, this girl will never be satisfied. You can tell her 20 times a day how stunning she is, but
she’s an empty vessel. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “She’s the kind who will
keep getting plastic surgery when she’s already the best-looking woman in town.”

You’re not doing anything wrong, guy; except for telling Lexi how much you love her, you’re
doing everything right.

Remember, guys: Deep down some women want to be strippers.

Doc Love: She Likes Drinking With Her Ex

Hey Doc,

Before I met Jolene I memorized “The System.” I’ve made a few small missteps with her,
but I expected that to happen. I used humor to get past my mistakes and it’s the best
relationship I’ve had so far. We’ve been dating for about three months now and have been on
more than 20 dates. I see her two to three times a week, we talk about positive topics, and she
is very Flexible and Giving. When I was an hour late for a date once, she said: “Honey, I’m
just happy to see you at all!”

Everything is going fine, except for this: While I’m 23 and work full-time, she’s only 20 and
still in college. During the week we live different lives. Jolene goes out drinking with her guy
friends while I’m at home getting ready for work the next day. Several times her macho guy
friends have made moves on her, but she shoots them down like ducks at a firing range. It
bothers me that she goes out drinking with a bunch of dudes, but I would never say anything
because her Interest Level would only go down. However, her macho ex-boyfriend has
recently started sending me e-mails saying how he knows her better than I do, that he’s still in
love with her and that he’s going to wait out our relationship.

she's living a different life

Now, this normally would not be a problem except that Jolene goes to school about 30
minutes from where I live and work. This isn’t really a long distance, but her obsessed macho
ex lives two minutes from her dorm room. They have a lot of the same friends and they hang
out together a few times a week while I only see her on the weekend. He tells her that our
relationship can’t last because I live too far away and he reminds her that he’s only two
minutes away from her at all times. The problem is that she agrees with him. You say it’s
ideal to see a girlfriend two times a week, and I agree, but Jolene does not seem to feel the
same way.

Should I worry about this Macho Boy putting the moves on my girl while I’m asleep and far
away? Should I move up to seeing her three to four times a week? And should I worry about
her drinking with a gang of guys who would take her in a second if they could?

Steph - who has followed “The System” and gotten this far

doc love's answer

Hi Steph,

What you told me straight out of the gate is absolutely fantastic, and here’s why: You were
prepared for this girl. Most guys come to me when they’ve already been going out with a girl
for six to eight months and they’re in deep trouble. By the time they get to me, they have to
try and undo all the boo-boos they made during those six to eight months. It’s at that hopeless
point that they first realize how many blunders they’ve made. But the problem, of course, is
that it’s already too late -- the woman’s Interest Level has taken a nose dive. However, you
have my book first and armed yourself for what was to come. I want to congratulate you on
your foresight.

By the way, I hope you called Jolene a half-hour before you were supposed to see her and told
her you were going to be late. Most guys just show up late or call when they’re already late.
To you Psych majors: When you know you’re not going to be on time for a date, call 30
minutes or sooner before you’re supposed to meet the girl. That way she knows you’re not
standing her up or playing with her head.

20 = trouble
So, Jolene is only 20 years old. You know what I say about 18- to 22-year-olds, don’t you?
They’re just little girls.

Now, let me get this straight. While you’re spending your evenings preparing yourself to
make money, this girl’s knocking back Jack Daniels with the boys? Wow -- you two certainly
are living different lives! You’re busting your butt and her life is a big party. And why is this
girl having more than two drinks? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “If
she has more than two drinks when she goes out on the town, she’s an alcoholic and you
should get rid of her.”

Doc Love helps Steph realize why she likes drinking with her ex next...

can she really be trusted?

However, she tells these other guys who are coming on to her to hit the bricks, huh? That's
her version of events, is it? And you believe her? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “I happen
to have some swamp land in Georgia that’s worth a fortune if you’d care to talk about it!”
It’s true that Jolene’s Interest Level would go south if you told her she couldn’t go out
drinking and carousing with her friends. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “The
problem you got is that you fell in love with a barfly!”

be the bigger e-mail man

When you receive those annoying e-mails from Macho Boy, don’t answer them. Just hit the
delete button. You’re not going to play his game, Steph. And don’t mention anything about
this crap to Jolene. The more serious issue is this: This jerk is a lurking ex. What did I tell you
in my book about ex-boyfriends creeping around in the background? Apparently, you didn’t
memorize “The System” like you said you did -- or you skipped over a big part of it!

Actually, Macho Boy is helping you. When a guy blasts you, the girl usually goes on the
defensive and takes the side of the guy getting blasted or wants to know what all the noise is
about. However, I don’t like the fact that Jolene hangs around this guy, and like you said,
there’s nothing you can say about it. Again, you’re dealing with a 20-year-old ding-dong who
loves bar-hopping with the boys instead of trying to get As in college -- which is what she’s
supposed to be doing.

binge drinking is more important

If Jolene agrees with this guy about the issue of your proximity to her, you’re dead in the
water, pal. This guy will probably get her back or she’ll move on to somebody else. But don’t
worry about the ex putting moves on your girl. What you should be concerned with is that
you’re going out with a 20-year-old kid who thinks more about binge drinking than getting
good grades on her exams.

Don’t react to any demands to see Jolene more often. You’re seeing her enough. But you
should be worried about her boozing it up because when she’s driving home she might kill
somebody or herself. And that’s really a very heavy problem you’re facing here: Your
girlfriend’s behind the wheel of a deadly weapon while she’s bombed. I’d say the same thing
if she was 40 years young, by the way. The fact that she’s partying with the baseball team is
secondary; though I’m sure it’s not something you relish thinking about.

Remember, guys: If your girl likes to get drunk with her ex, you shouldn’t be in love with her.

Doc Love: How To Handle A Meddling Ex

Hey Doc,

Hayley, my girlfriend of four years, broke up with me about a year ago. We were young, I
made some mistakes by not being a Challenge, and her strict Catholic parents didn't approve.
I accepted this and, though it was difficult, moved on. Looking back, I realize that Hayley
was insecure and a taker, but I was too blind to see it.

i got a new girl now

About a half a year later, I started dating my current girlfriend, Meredith. She's great; she's
fun, independent, intelligent, giving, down-to-earth, and not to mention smokin' hot. She's just
about everything you could ask for in a girl. Doc, I think I might've found a keeper. But now
there's a problem.

My meddling ex, upon finding out about my new girl, decided the time was right to come
back into my life, after months without communication. While I was expecting the classic
Relationship Sabotage 101 techniques -- attempting to "just be friends" with me, etc., leave it
to my meddling ex to open a whole new can of crazy. She's been harassing Meredith via
Instant Messaging and Facebook. She even had the gall to stick her immature entourage on
my girl, and now Meredith receives thinly veiled threats from Hayley's friends on a regular
basis. They've even started harassing Meredith's friends, who have absolutely nothing to do
with this situation.

cat fight tickets for sale

I know girls can be catty, but Meredith is growing more uncomfortable with the situation. I've
assured her she has nothing to worry about, but I can tell, despite her attempts to hide it, that
she feels insecure. She shouldn't have to be subjected to this abuse. Still, it's not serious
enough to require drastic measures like legal action. Furthermore, Meredith has instructed me
to ignore these people, and I think it's a good idea. But where do I draw the line? Would I be
right in asking my meddling ex if she could stop? Would that even work? Mainly, I'm worried
that Meredith will somehow associate me with this craziness and decide to ditch me.

Angel - who's living in a nightmare starring a meddling ex

doc love's answer

Hi Angel,

First of all, your new girlfriend should print all of this crazy, harassing material up because
you're going to have to use it -- as evidence. You're going to court, pal. And don't forget to
collect the names and addresses of Hayley's entourage because you're also going to take that
material to the authorities as well.

she's a vicious vixen

As far as Hayley goes, like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says: "This girl is a full-blown
sicko and she's vicious to boot. That's what you call a deadly combination." To measure the
extent of her pathology, think of it this way: She dropped you. And when a girl drops a guy, it
means that she's not interested in you and doesn't hold any animosity toward you. But not
Hayley. This piece of work not only wants to make your new girlfriend's life miserable, she
also has her posse pulling wacky stuff.

Doc Love continues his lecture on how to handle a meddling ex...

I got news for you, dude: Meredith should be growing more uncomfortable with this situation.
But you're not quite seeing it because you don't realize the depth of the problem. And that's
why you and your girlfriend are going to print up all this evidence and go down to the police
department with it and fill out reports. And you're going to ask for a restraining order against
your old girlfriend before something really bad happens.

it’s kinda like fatal attraction

You're wrong telling Meredith she has nothing to worry about. Don't you ever read the
newspapers, buddy? Judging by what's coming into her e-mail box, she has a lot to worry
about. Every time she logs onto her computer somebody's threatening her, and you don't
consider that something to worry about? What's it going to take, Angel?

But Meredith shouldn't be concerned about her position with you. Tell her you like her and
that there's no problem there. The real problem is that you've come into the relationship
loaded with scars and baggage, which happens to be your psycho ex-girlfriend and her pals.

time to call the feds

Of course Meredith shouldn't be subjected to this abuse, which is why we have a legal system
in this country. But here is where you're 100% wrong: This miserable situation sure as hell is
serious enough to require drastic measures! And if it is not addressed immediately, Meredith's
Interest Level in you is going to drop because you’re not defending her. It's time to be
chivalrous and protect her from this stupid psycho that you dated for four years.

Where do you draw the line? You draw it right here and now. Like my cousin General Love
says: "When your ex has her girlfriends harassing your girlfriend, you have a war going on!" I
can't imagine how bad these other girls are; they're all a bunch of head cases too. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: "Some people don’t have anything better to do
with their time than drive other people crazy."

give me fuel, give me fire

Should you ask your ex to stop this harassment? Sure! Just call her up and say: "Honey,
would you please stop sending nasty e-mails to my new girlfriend?" I’m sure she'll pay a lot
of attention to that! Angel, all she's going to do when she hears such an anemic plea is double
the e-mails to Meredith. Of course that tactic isn't going to work, because you're talking to a
certifiable loon. So don't have any contact with your ex. All it does is add fuel to the fire.

Finally, you should be very concerned that Meredith is going to "somehow" associate you
with this entire mess. And of course she's going to ditch you if things continue this way.
Between being harassed by your ex and your not taking action to defend her, Meredith's
Interest Level is going to plummet until she's out the door.

Remember, guys: When she crosses the line, it's time to go and talk to the cops.

Doc Love: Dating The Same Girl?

Hey Doc,

First, I would like to thank you for “The System.” I discovered it a month ago, have been
applying your principles to my dates and feel that I am better because of it. I can already tell
that you are saving me time, money and headaches that I would have foolishly brought upon
myself before using it. I have much to learn and memorize still, but I can already see the
changes.

online dating
I primarily use the internet to find dates. I found Shauntelle’s profile online and tried to set up
a coffee date. She claimed to be busy, but counter-offered, so I took the counteroffer. She
seemed eager and showed up five minutes before our scheduled time. When we approached
the counter I let her order first, and then ordered my drink. We both reached for our wallets --
which I know is a red flag if she had pushed paying for herself -- but when I handed the clerk
my credit card Shauntelle politely thanked me for paying.

We had a good time and laughed a lot. Then she asked me: “What do you like to do in your
spare time?” Doc, I’m a pretty boring guy really, but I knew not to be negative, so I told her
that I liked to search for buried pirate treasures. I mentioned that I do this by playing
something called “geocaching.” (By the way, this is a high-tech, treasure-hunting game
played by adventure-seekers equipped with electronic devices.) She laughed and said that
she had just been treasure hunting for the first time a few weeks ago and had a great time.

dating your friend’s girl?

This struck me immediately. I remembered that my friend Bill also uses the same website to
find dates and had taken one of his dates treasure hunting. I put two and two together and
realized that this was the same girl he had been taking out for a few weeks. However, I didn’t
mention anything about my friend Bill to Shauntelle.

My question is this: I am 95% sure that this girl is also dating my friend. Should I make any
mention of him to her, or of her to him? The fact that Shauntelle is dating around leads me to
believe that her Interest Level in him is not super high, and as he does not use “The System,”
I know that he may not hold her interest long anyway. This is an unusual situation and I don’t
want to feel like I’m hiding the fact that I am also dating Shauntelle from my friend, though
he may not need to know anyway.

Zip - who is a Spartan in training

Doc Love handles Zip's question about dating the same girl as your friend -- you don't want to
miss it...

doc love's answer

Hi Zip,

First of all, thanks for the compliments on my techniques. You will find that they have a
positive effect on every phase of your life, from dating to business. In fact, my methods are
transformative. Can you imagine how much less trouble men would have with women if
every guy out there followed my philosophy? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “My son, the
world would be a better place.”

watching for red flags

And because of my coaching, you certainly started out on the right foot, Zip. You knew from
reading my book that you should take Shauntelle up on her counteroffer when she couldn’t
accept your suggestion for a first date, and of course it was great that she showed up early.
But more importantly, this shows you not only read my book but internalized it as well. You
might have blown your opportunity with Shauntelle had you not been armed with the correct
tactic beforehand. And watching for how Shauntelle was going to handle the bill at Starbucks
demonstrates that after reading my book you have an eye for those big Red Flags.
Congratulations to you, guy. Keep up the good work.

It was very smart that you didn’t mention anything to Shauntelle about dating your friend
while you were at Starbucks because you’re not 100% sure that Bill is actually dating her.
This is just a guess on your part because you have no proof of anything. You didn’t have a
camera following this woman around, did you? I don’t care whether this girl is dating your
friend or not because at this point it’s not an issue. And remember, like my cousin General
Love says: “All’s fair in love and war, soldier!”
mum’s the word
Should you mention these two to each other? Absolutely not. Again, what’s the point, Zip?
Even if your friend Bill is finished with Shauntelle, even if she has no interest whatsoever in
him, he’s going to say he still likes her. This will only bum you out, so keep your mouth shut.
Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Being a witness to your buddy’s pain ain’t gonna
help you at all.”

That said, knowing that Bill will probably not hold Shauntelle’s interest for long -- if indeed
they’re dating in the first place -- is an excellent observation on your part. Most guys
wouldn’t pick up on something like that, but you did because you’ve massively increased
your IQ when it comes to women by investing in “The System.” By learning the principles in
my book, you’re now able to think like a love cop on Love And Order and make observations
that mean something instead of projecting only what you want to see. Ninety percent of the
men out there would be clueless in your situation.

spare the drama

Dude, the truth is that it’s really none of your friend’s business if you’re seeing Shauntelle.
Like I said earlier, you’re not 100% sure that it’s him who she’s going out with anyway,
remember? So why make an issue out of nothing? Let Bill come to you if he has a problem.
Loyalty is not an issue when you don’t even know for sure that there’s anything to be
concerned about.

Remember, guys: When you start dating a babe, don’t go looking for complications.

Doc Love: Can You Trust Her?

Hey Doc,

Jillian, my girlfriend of 14 months, and I went out for some drinks after work a few weeks
ago. She got to the bar before I did. When I walked in I saw her sitting “too close for
comfort” to this other guy. I didn’t say anything -- my facial expression said it all. A while
later I excused myself to go to the bathroom. When I returned (Jillian and the guy didn’t see
me coming) I saw her leaning into his ear and whispering. Now I was really pissed off. When
we got outside, I asked Jillian what that was all about and, of course, her reply was “Oh, it
was nothing.”

forgive and forget?

Doc, this is not the first time a situation like this has happened, but I’ve tried very hard to
forgive and forget. Two days later I checked her phone and there were texts between her and
this guy talking about a meeting when he gets off work for drinks. Jillian didn’t know that I
saw the messages, so I asked her very calmly and respectfully if she had been communicating
with any males other than myself in the past month. Of course, she lied straight through her
teeth and said no.

I let her know that I was aware of the text conversations between her and the guy. She said
nothing and just sat there with that “Oh my God, what else does he know about?” look on her
face. Now, if the tables were turned, Jillian would have busted the windows out of my car.
Doc, does this sound like a trustworthy woman to you? Do you think it’s safe to assume that
displaying actions like these indicates that Jillian has in fact cheated on me already?

Jig - who needs outside confirmation

doc love's answer

Hi Jig,

Let me tell you something. When Jillian told you it was “nothing” that she was practically
sitting in this other guy’s lap, you should have known immediately that you have a woman
you can’t possibly trust. I’m sure you don’t own my course materials, because if you had
memorized them you would have recognized the smaller red flags this woman was sending up
three to six months ago. To you Psych majors: The woman’s Interest Level doesn’t drop from
95% to 45% overnight. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “My son, this deceit was a long
time in the making.”

getting too comfortable

But here’s the bigger problem, Jig. You already had 14 months in with this babe. What
happens when a guy gets some time in with a woman is that he gets complacent. He gets all
settled in way too soon. He stops dating his girl as much as he should. He starts to hang out
way too much. He forgets to shave and wash his hair when he goes to pick her up. He doesn’t
dress up like he used to. You get the picture, right? And all of these factors slowly push her
Interest Level south, and when it gets all the way down into the 50s and the 40s, you’re on the
way out. You know what else happens? She starts lining up a new guy -- and that’s a fact. The
point is this: Jillian didn’t put in 14 months with you, and have 95% Interest Level in you, and
all of a sudden she just happened to see this guy at the bar.

You don’t forgive and forget in this case, my friend. You can forgive, but you can never
forget. What you do instead of forgetting someone who is pulling the wool over your eyes is
get rid of her.

Can Jig trust Jillian? Doc Love's answer continues after the jump...
once a liar, always...
So, now Jillian and this dude are going to meet at a bar for drinks? Don’t worry, Jig. Like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Maybe they’ll be discreet and take their martinis out to the
car and drink where no one can see them.” She lied straight through her teeth about
communicating with another man? Like my cousin General Love says: “Well, soldier, so
much for honesty and loyalty!”

Why did you let Jillian know you found her text messages? Big mistake, Jig! Like all
women, all she’s going to do is be self-righteous and accuse you of being a sneak behind her
back.
You should have just said that one magic word to her: “Goodbye!” But you didn’t. You’re
still hanging around waiting when you already know the truth. What else is there to know,
buddy?

Of course Jillian would have busted the windows out of your car. Women have the right to
do anything in our society, and men don’t. That’s another fact.

Does Jillian sound trustworthy to me? Well, let’s put it this way: On her report card, I’d give
her an “F” in the trust class. But whether or not she’s cheated on you physically is completely
irrelevant. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Treachery and infidelity don’t start with
the body. They start between the ears.”

she was never that into you

That said, this girl is definitely having a great time with the new guy she meets in the bars all
over town. But again, Jig, the thing that you’re not looking at is that she had to fall out of love
with you way before she started this little fling of hers. Or, in the worst-case scenario, like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “She never dug you that much in the first place,
and she was just keeping you around until she found someone who really rang her chimes.”

My guess, though, is that at one time you really did own this girl. And like 90% of American
males, you can get a woman to fall in love with you but you don’t know how to keep her in
love with you. And that’s where your failure to purchase and memorize my materials has had
devastating consequences, guy. Think of all the wasted time and energy you’ve invested, and
the pain and sorrow you’re suffering by not knowing what to do. Isn’t that realization enough
to make you act right now?

Remember, guys: With “The System” you will be able to read women a lot sooner.

Doc Love: What Her Busy Schedule Means

Hey Doc,

Lana and I are both 30. She’s kind, educated, employed, athletic, intelligent, and beautiful.
During the past two weeks we’ve seen each other a handful of times. We went on a long-
distance bike ride (we’re both competitive cyclists), and during the ride she told me that she is
interested in marriage, but that her last relationship did not work out because the guy was not
long-term material. I took this to mean that he was not financially solvent. I let her do the
talking and kept the details of my life private.

As a lawyer who runs his own practice, I have a flexible work schedule and I keep a busy
social calendar and maintain a strict workout routine. When I mentioned to Lana that I attend
the early cycling class at the gym a few days each week, she said that she wanted to “try to
squeeze it into her busy, busy schedule” and then showed up at the next class. Afterward, we
had coffee and she said that she wanted to turn over a new leaf and make the class part of her
daily routine. Later, I saw her at a friend’s party and we ended up dancing and having some
alone time on the front porch -- so far, so good.

she has too much going on

Via text and e-mail, Lana seems very interested in hanging out. She mentioned an open-air
theater where old films were played and asked me to pick one for a picnic and date. I did, and
she said that she would “pencil the date in to her always-packed schedule.” I sent an e-mail
asking what time I should pick her up. This was her reply:

“I hope you're having a great week. I just found out that a good friend is moving to San Diego
later this week. Mutual friends are planning to have dinner and drinks with him. Can we
reschedule the theater? Sorry for the short notice and change of plans, but I didn't realize he
was going so soon, and I want to see him before he leaves.”

Then she went into how unbelievably busy she is. But we agreed to go to the cycling class in
the meantime, and I told her that she could meet me at a certain bar I go to if she wanted to
after she saw her friend off.

I have two questions: First, I don’t want to spoil Lana’s interest in me by making myself too
available. Am I revealing too much of my own whereabouts to Lana? Second, I’m a little put
off that she canceled our date. Have I miscalculated her Interest Level? From her Facebook
page, I see that she often has to reschedule with even her closest friends. Should I just accept
scheduling conflicts with a busy professional?

Legs - who’s struggling to stay on top of it

doc love's answer

Hi Legs,

You’re pointing out all the great things Lana is, but you’re not telling me how much she likes
you; or how many buying signals she’s given you; or how she can’t keep her hands off you.
And that’s what counts, not that she’s educated and kind and all the rest of it. Like my Uncle
Jethro Love says: “So she pats dogs on the head -- who cares?”

When you say you saw Lana a handful of times over the past 14 days, what does that actually
mean? Do you mean you saw her three or four or five times? If you were using my course
materials, you would know that you should have only seen this girl once or twice in that
period of time. I can tell you’re not using my principles because you would have kept
yourself in check and exercised Self Control if you were.

always ask for specifics

You should have asked Lana what she meant when she said her ex was not long-term
material. Was there something in his personality or his character that she didn’t care for, or
was it the fact that he never had a job? You don’t have a clue what she meant, guy. You’re
only guessing when you assume that the guy’s portfolio was nonexistent. When you run into
a situation like this, get the woman to be specific, and don’t accept a gray answer. Pin it
down. Get it in black and white. It was good that you let her do all the yakking, however.

There's more to her busy schedule than you might think...

teammate or girlfriend?
You should never have told Lana about your cycling class. Do you want to be this girl’s
teammate, or do you want to date her? And if you’re going to date her, you shouldn’t be
meeting her at a gym to hang out. So this was a huge mistake, dude. When she talked about
her “busy, busy schedule,” it was a major hint that she either has low Interest Level in you or
she’s highly disorganized. This is something you should have picked up right off the bat,
Legs.

Now, when Lana talked about turning over a new leaf, was she talking about you? Or was she
indirectly saying that she wants you to be her cycling buddy and not date her? Whatever the
answer, it’s another reason for not having her join you at the gym.

You shouldn’t be texting and e-mailing any babe you’re trying to date. You use the phone to
get the date and that’s it. Then you need to see her face-to-face so you can read her body
language. It’s the only way you can know where she’s really coming from. And you shouldn’t
be “hanging out” with the woman either. You hang out with your friends. You date a woman
you’re interested in.
disorganized or disinterested?
When the movie date came up, again you heard about Lana’s “always packed schedule.” And
like I said before, when her schedule is that packed, it means she’s highly disorganized. But
like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Even if she’s scatterbrained, she still swoons over
Johnny Depp, doesn’t she?”

After she dodged you to see her friend off to San Diego, you should have said to her: “Sure,
we’ll make it some other time,” and then tossed her number into the toilet and watched it
swirl away. But she did want to see you for cycling at the gym, so now you’re back to being
her workout pal rather than her potential boyfriend. With every new development you drop a
little further down the ladder with this girl, don’t you, Legs?

And you’re desperate for this babe’s attention, whether or not you want to admit it. That’s
why you suggested she meet you at your favorite bar, which was a “definite maybe” date,
and that’s a no-no if you’ve memorized “The System.” Worse, you’re also “stacking” dates,
which means you’re dumping something on top of another thing that might go awry. This
weakens your position with this woman even more. She can’t respect you because you don’t
respect your own time if you’re telling her that you’re going to be sitting at a bar waiting for
her to show up -- maybe. To you Psych majors, if it’s not 100% certain, don’t do it. And
you’re doing all this on top of a broken date? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East
L.A. says: “Wow, man, you really are hard up!”

it's you, not her

You certainly have made yourself too available with this whole biking fiasco. Lana knows
your schedule at the gym, so she knows exactly where to find you. And yes, you have
miscalculated her Interest Level. It’s only 10%, and you thought it was 80%. The reason she
has to reschedule with her friends is because she’s not a together person. And like the great
Doctor Freud once said: “A disorganized woman will drive you nuts.”

Should you just go along with her scheduling conflicts? No, because she’ll just continue to
lose respect for you. What really bothers me here is that Lana broke a date with you in order
to hang out with some remote acquaintance who’s leaving town. What she’s saying is that
this friend is more important than you -- somebody who’s actually trying to date her. What
does that tell you, pal?

Remember, guys: If she keeps complaining about how busy she is, it means she’s not
interested in you.
Doc Love: When You're Stuck On Her

Hey Doc,

I am a dedicated follower of “The System.” I even have your advanced dating techniques
series and have been marketing this stuff to my friends here in Egypt. My success with
women has more than tripled over the past couple of years as a result.

she was full of drama early on

Everything was going really well until that fateful day when I met Skyler. She lives two hours
from me, and we’ve been dating for around three months. Initially, she had an extremely high
Interest Level in me because I was a Challenge and never gave her what she wanted. I was
indifferent to any drama she tried to create, which drove her over the edge. She tossed a few
curveballs my way, but I’d always back off whenever she threw any sort of tantrum. She’d
always apologize later for whatever she did.

Two weeks ago, Skyler traveled to Europe for 10 days. Before she left she told me she was
falling for me; I told her I also felt something. Let me add that she was always saying things
such as “I miss you” and “I really like your character” and “I like the way you deal with
things.” When she was gone, she texted me saying she missed me and wanted to be with me,
to which I’d respond with a smile or something extremely funny.

digital argument
A few days into her trip she got upset because I hadn’t called her. We got into an argument
online and she said I didn’t care about her because I don’t make the effort. I didn’t want to
argue and she said she didn’t have time to stay online; I was upset that she would leave
like that, and I let her know it.

The next day we worked everything out over the phone (because I’m stuck on her), and she
said she really missed me, needed me and that she couldn’t wait to see me when she got back.
But a of couple days later she told me she had kissed someone when she was out on the town.
I told her this didn’t work for me and that I needed time to think about things. I told her I was
considering walking away because she took the risk of losing me by kissing someone else. Of
course, she gave me the “it meant nothing” speech.

the inconvenient truth

I didn’t speak to Skyler for a few days or reply to her constant “I miss you and feel like crap
for what I did” texts. She called to say she was sorry, and I told her it was up to her to make
the effort to get me back. She said she would come see me over the weekend. Well, the
weekend is here and she’s trying to get me to go see her because it’s inconvenient for her to
come to me as she has no place to stay and does not want to spend money on a hotel. So far
I’ve stood my ground. She said that she felt bad for letting me down and that I have the right
to end the relationship.

Our reader, who’s stuck on her, gets advice from Doc Love next…

Doc, is it over? Should I have gone to see her? I have never felt like this about any woman;
I’m stuck on her. I am usually a short-term kind of guy. I am in and out quickly and I always
leave first. It’s different with Skyler and I wanted it to be long-term. I am confused and
terribly upset.

Abdul - who’s still stuck on her

doc love’s answer

Hi Abdul,

Let me ask you a question: When Skyler would come back to you and apologize for what she
did, did you ever tell her to get lost for a week or 10 days? And if not, why didn’t you do this?
Because what’s happening here is that she apologizes for her outrageous behavior and then
everything is forgotten. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “When you rob a bank, the judge
doesn’t say: ‘well, just don’t do it again,’ does he?” No, you have to go to prison. So where’s
Skyler’s punishment? You should have told her: “Get back to me in 10 days and maybe we’ll
go out.” Because as it is now, she knows she can just apologize whenever she throws a hissy
fit and she’s right back in with no penalty. And one more thing: You’re overlooking a huge
red flag here -- this girl is a drama queen who throws fits. Do you really want to live with that
kind of turmoil for the rest of your life?

i want action tonight

Why did you tell this girl you felt something for her? Are you sure you read my course
materials? You shouldn’t tell her anything. You tell me that you’re a dedicated follower of
my principles, but then you go and reveal yourself. If you’ve studied my course, you would
know that you never come on heavily verbally. You communicate through your actions how
you feel. So why are you yapping about your feelings, pal?

Skyler should be telling you all kinds of great stuff about yourself. It shows her Interest Level
is high. However, that doesn’t mean you have to come back and say I miss you and, thereby,
kill Challenge. But it’s good you respond with something funny when she says she misses
you. It shows you’re doing something right.

men are silent creatures

But you’re not doing enough right. You shouldn’t have let this girl know you were upset with
her. You should have just dropped her. Or, tell her that if she ever decides to stop acting like
a baby to give you a call in 30 days. Then she won’t call and you’ll be out.

Now, let me get this straight: Skyler went on the attack and the very next day you forgave her
just like that? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Why wasn’t she put on probation?”
When she did that, you shouldn’t have seen her for two or three weeks -- minimum. The only
way you’re going to break this babe’s bad habits is by staying away from her. To you Psych
majors: If you just accept “Sorry!” every time she does something wrong, she’ll never change
her bad behavior.

Doc Love continues advising Abdul after the jump…

When Skyler told you she kissed another guy, you should have just listened and said: “Oh,
that’s cool. And by the way, do me a big favor -- forget my name and forget my phone
number.” And that should have been the end of it. When she pulls something like that, there
can be no more talking, no more reasoning, no more going back and forth. She kissed
another guy -- that’s all you need to know. This woman is not loyal. Loyalty is the No. 1
character trait you need in a woman. And if kissing this other dude meant nothing, how
come she did it?

the problem with 90% of men

When Skyler sent you all those texts about how lousy she felt for betraying you, you should
have said: “Honey, go find a new boyfriend.” You don’t want her back, guy. She’s not true-
blue loyal, don’t you get it? The problem with 90% of you guys is that every time a girl does
something wrong, you resort to rationalization. You practically cry out: “Honey, I know you
didn’t really mean it! Oh, please take me back!”

The question of who visits whom in this situation is not an issue. This girl is out. She’s gone.
She's not into you. Like my cousin General Love says: “After you’ve been cheated on there’s
no point in sitting down at the negotiation table and doing things right.” She’s been going out
with you for three months and she kissed another man. And how do you know that’s all she
did?

kick her to the curb

When a girl tells you that you have a right to end the relationship, it means you’re history.
Because she’s really telling you that she’s burned out. No, don’t go and see Skyler. I know
how wildly in love with her you are, my friend, but the man’s Interest Level means nothing --
it never does. All we care about is her Interest Level and her loyalty. Skyler’s not faithful, so
she’s out. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Hasta la vista, baby!”

You might think you leave girls first, Abdul, but you didn’t do it this time did you? When it
counted, you wimped out. Sure, it’s different with Skyler. It’s always different when your
Interest Level is in the 80s and 90s.

Remember, guys: Once she shows she’s not loyal, she’s out.

Doc Love: Dating Other People

Hey Doc,

Well, I’m really hoping that you can help me out.

I’ve been in a relationship with Cameron for over four years now. We got engaged three years
ago but we were nervous and afraid to try to plan the wedding. Now it seems like we’ve both
developed a fear of getting stuck. I often fantasize about doing things with other girls, and
Cameron fantasizes about other men. She was overweight for her entire adolescence and now
she has lost all of the weight, which gives her a chance to have some fun with other guys. To
make the situation more complex, we met right after she and I got out of awful relationships.
Recently, she kissed her old boyfriend when she visited her hometown and that hurt me a lot.

new relationship rules

We made up and have now moved to a different state. However, things have changed a lot.
We had a long talk recently and Cameron decided that it would be best for us to be able to
flirt with and date others, but with rules because she says she loves me too much to lose me
-- and I feel the same way. Our main problem is that we have no friends to speak with; this
new arrangement began with us looking for new friends in our new state because we only
have each other, which has added to our feeling of being stuck. So now we’re going to be
meeting new people and going to bars, having our own alone time and we can kiss, hold and
touch others but we just can’t get really physically close with these other people, if you catch
my drift.

Doc, I feel strange about this whole thing, but I’m eager to try anything to make the situation
better if possible. Cameron tells me that she never really had enough time to experience other
things in life and that she doesn’t want to feel like she’s part of an old married couple -- and
in some ways I don’t either. I’m 26 and Cameron is 24, and we don’t want to be married yet.

But I’m conflicted and confused. Is it OK that we’re trying this new thing out and dating
other people? Or, is it a sign that things will implode in the near-term? Please coach me. I feel
very odd about this.

Zack - who is afraid of what might happen if he and his girlfriend start dating other
people
doc love's answer
Hi Zack,

Let me get this straight. You’ve been with a girl for four years and engaged for three of them,
and you’re still nervous about getting married? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “If
you’re so nervous, you shouldn’t even be engaged.” And if you shouldn’t be engaged after
being with someone for four years, you have a problem with someone’s Interest Level --
yours, Cameron’s or both!

ready to settle down?

When both of you are doing all kinds of fantasizing about going out with other people, it
means neither of you are ready to settle down. Because when you settle down, that’s it. And
like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “Marriage is one guy and one woman -- nobody else,
because there isn’t room for anyone else.” That’s the rule, otherwise you don’t settle down.

Now look at the situation you’re in. You have a girl you’ve been engaged to for three years,
whom for one reason or another doesn’t want to set a date, she’s kissing her ex-boyfriend and
she wants to find a bunch of new boyfriends to date. And you wonder why you have
problems? I know you made up with her over the fact that she betrayed you by kissing her ex,
but like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “All guys suck up when they get
kicked in the guts. And you sucked up because you didn’t have the guts to get rid of her.”

But heck, I’m sure that Cameron doesn’t want to lose you. She doesn’t want to lose you so
much that she wants to go out with other men! Zack, two and two are not adding up to five
here! You might not want to lose each other, but you cannot have it both ways -- it has to be
one or the other.

Doc Love continues to explain why dating other people will not work for Zack...

fear of commitment
Your problem isn’t that you don’t have friends, Zack. Your main problem is that you’ve been
going out with a girl for three years that you’re engaged to and neither one of you can commit
to marriage. And that means that there is a huge problem with one of the Interest Levels,
yours, hers or both, like I said before.

But Cameron and you both insist you need new friends. Now let’s take a look at how you’ve
gone about arranging this. Since you two are new in town and don’t have any friends, you
want to go out and date as many other people as possible, but it means nothing. Oh, now I
have it -- that’s perfectly rational.
What’s so fascinating about this new setup is that you think that any new guy Cameron starts
dating is going to go along with these rules. You think she’s going to be making out with
some stranger and all of a sudden she’s going to say: “Oops! Time to stop now! I’m really in
love with Zack!” And the guy is going to back right off and say: “Oh sure, honey! No
problem! I completely understand!” Are you sure you two aren’t smoking way too much
dope?

it’s you, not her

Dude, you don’t really want to make this mess better like you say you do. You want to kiss up
to Cameron and go along with her program. And her problem isn’t being stuck or wanting to
meet new friends -- her problem is that she has low interest level in you. That is really your
problem if you give it two seconds’ worth of thought.

The solution to your problem is really very simple. If you don’t want to feel like an old
married couple, why don’t you and Cameron break up for a couple of years, go and date other
people, and then get back together again? Because what you two are planning to do makes no
sense. You’ve been engaged for three years but you don’t want to be married. So why did you
get engaged? Hello? Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “That’s called simple deductive
reasoning.”

Trying this new arrangement out is a complete waste of time, Zack. Like my cousin General
Love says: “In case you haven’t noticed, soldier, things have already imploded.” Cameron
wants to see other guys. She’s kissing ex-boyfriends. You’ve got problems -- big problems.
Not with being new in town or being stuck, but with your girlfriend. Because she doesn’t
know the first thing about Loyalty.

Remember, guys: If she wants to flirt with other men, it’s time for you to make your exit.

Doc Love: Low Interest Level

Hey Doc,

I’m a heartbroken dumbass. Here’s my sad story:

Carmen and I hit it off like crazy right away. We started dating a couple of times a week,
went on a trip to Costa Rica (she was a travel agent) and within six weeks she was telling me
that she loved me. At the time, she was depressed due to her parents’ divorce, and she was on
meds and seeing a therapist (which I didn’t know). To me, she was just cute and fun. I wasn’t
sure how I felt for the first few months, so, I just let her keep chasing me. I never once
mentioned the “love” word back. As per your advice, I kept things light and fun. It was
amazing how much she adored and chased me, and followed my lead. We had six months of
great experiences, traveling the world and having a good time.

Then, one night, after we were out drinking (she was kind of a barfly), Carmen came to me
and asked if I wanted to date other people because she said that sometimes it seemed like I
did. So I said to her, “Do you?” and she said in an almost exasperated tone: “No -- I love
you!” I realized at that moment that I loved her too and said so -- and we agreed to be
exclusive. The next week she turned 30 and I sent her flowers. She loved it.

not trying anymore

The week after that, her job tanked and she sank into a really deep depression. She started
taking lots of Prozac and she was stressed out all of the time. Suddenly, she stopped flirting
with me through e-mail, which we had done every day. I felt her pulling away and I thought it
was because of her depression. I tried talking to her and telling her to communicate if there
was anything we needed to work on, but she didn’t say much. The truth is that she’s not much
of a communicator. I just felt something was off. A couple of weeks later, when I asked her
again what was going on, she said: “I don’t have to try anymore because I know you’re
already interested.” I was shocked; I realized this was bad, bad, bad, but I didn’t know what
to do.

In short, I think that Carmen chased me because I was a Challenge. Once she knew for sure
how I felt, she stopped trying. On top of that, I became too available and passive. Thus, her
Interest Level dribbled away. A couple of months later, after 10 months together, she told me
out of the blue: “I don’t want to be in a relationship.”

she’s moving on, i'm not

This began many months of me hanging around trying to “re-attract” Carmen. She kept
calling me, hanging on to me and not wanting to let go, but she was dating other people --
about 12 or 13 guys. She kept acting like we were going to get back together. I was in full
rejection/wuss mode, so nothing got better and she never did want to come back to me, of
course. Finally, I went into no-contact mode to try and heal.

During this time, a friend of hers set her up with a guy who is the CEO of his own company
in San Francisco. After four weeks of flying up there to see him, he asked her to move into his
house. She quit her job and left her life in L.A. behind and she’s now up there living with this
dude -- happily ever after, I suppose.

Now I’m trying to pick up the pieces. I know I screwed up. What should I have done to avoid
this fate, so that the next time I won’t repeat the same mistakes?

Sol - who’s still crying over her

doc love's answer
Hi Sol,

Let me tell you something, my friend: Everybody hits it off on the first date. Because the first
date is the best date. So, this is nothing unusual. But as the old Chinese proverb goes: “From
there on, it’s all downhill, grasshopper!”

missing the red flags

Now, I hope you and this babe went to Costa Rica after you dated for at least six months.
Otherwise you’re coming on too heavy and too fast. This is a big no-no if you’ve read my
materials. But you didn’t take it slow, did you, Sol? I know you didn’t really take it slow
because you were blindsided by the fact that Carmen was seeing a shrink and taking pills to
straighten her head out. These are huge red flags, but you didn’t see them because you
plunged in with this girl way too fast, even if you think you were going slowly. Like my
cousin General Love says: “On the battlefield, you can never be cautious enough.”

However, before you lost control of yourself, you played it perfectly by being a Challenge to
Carmen. This is what you should do for the next 40 years when you’re married. Continue to
let her chase you, even though she’s your wife. And by the way, I can certainly see why
you’d want to hold onto Carmen. She’s a barfly who lives on pills and is seeing a shrink. She
sounds absolutely fantastic!

Doc Love continues to break down Carmen's low Interest Level next...

The next huge red flag you missed was when Carmen asked you if you wanted to see other
people. To you Psych majors, this is called projection. Seeing other people is what she’s
thinking, Sol. Seeing other people never entered your mind because you were happy with her.
Right here, you should have figured out that you were going down. At this point, you should
have backed off and gone back to dating Carmen once a week, and hoped to God you could
have brought her Interest Level back up. When a babe mentions anything about dating other
people, her Interest Level is 51%. However, she still went ahead and said, “I love
you,” which in Womanese means: “You’re on the way out!” And that’s when you cracked,
dude. Here you have a woman with 51% Interest Level and you’re telling her you love her in
hopes of driving her Interest Level up. Saying “I love you” does not raise Interest Level. It
achieves exactly the opposite.

her Interest Level is dropping

You shouldn’t have been e-mailing Carmen to begin with because it kills Challenge. She
wasn’t pulling away from you because of her depression over her parents’ divorce and her job
tanking. Her Interest Level was in the 50s and it was ready to go into the 40s. Like my cousin
Sal “The Fish” Love says: “The reason this girl was so depressed is because she wanted to get
away from you and she hadn’t figured out how to do it yet.”

Women don’t know how to communicate in a conventional way when it comes to love. They
don’t know how to say: “My Interest Level used to be 95%, but now it’s only 51%; next
week it’s going to be 49% and you’re going to be out.” They don’t know how to say: “Back
off so my Interest Level can go back up.” If you had my program memorized, when Carmen’s
Interest Level went from 95% to 85%, you would have known enough to back off and it
would have shot back up to 95%. However, when it’s 95% and drops to 51%, it doesn’t shoot
back up fast, if at all. You have a long way to go and a lot of work to do to get it back into the
90s.

Sol, what you didn’t understand was that Carmen was communicating with you. She didn’t
verbalize her feelings, but you should have read her body language and the way she reacted to
you -- in that sense she was a great communicator. But you were looking for verbiage.

don’t say “I love you”

When Carmen told you she didn’t have to try anymore because she knew you were interested,
you were finished. She was telling you that you were boring and predictable. That’s why you
never say “I love you” to a woman. Not saying it gives her something to chase, even after
marriage and six kids.

Your problem is that you only read my book once or twice. You didn’t read it 15 times and
memorize it, otherwise you would have seen all of this coming. Most guys think: “Oh, I’m
just going to be myself and everything’s going to work out fine.” But it doesn’t work that
way. What’s really sad is that you had my program and could have prevented what ultimately
happened.

Sol, you wasted 10 months of your life -- 10 months when you spent all kinds of money and
could have hustled other women’s phone numbers. And again, you had “The System,” so you
had no excuses.

Once Interest Level hits 49%, there’s no “re-attracting” anything. You’re out forever -- gone.
She was dating 12 or 13 guys? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You
better hope that’s all there were.” The yo-yo she had you on is what happens when Interest
Level is between 40% and 49%, and she’s handing you what’s called false hope. It’s a
complete waste of time and energy. You should have gone into no-contact mode six months
earlier. Like most losers, you went into that mode too late.

What should you do to prevent a beating like this in the future? Read my book 15 times.

Remember, guys: Most men can get a woman to fall in love, but they can’t keep her in love.
Doc Love: Know When To Back Off

Hey Doc,

I need some coaching. Things were going great with Crystal. She was asking for dates and
even introduced me to her parents, but then something happened. Just before she left for a
two-week trip to China, she was feeling very stressed. I asked her, stupidly, if she was upset
over our relationship and she said no. However, she said that she was overwhelmed and felt
like we were taking love to fast -- things were moving from “I” to “we” too quickly.

when to back off

I backed off. I got two e-mails from China, including a request for a date immediately upon
her return. We had three dates after that, all at her request. She was sick during one of them
and I offered to bring her some crackers and movies, and she let me. But, then she broke up
with me. She came to my house and was in tears nearly the entire time. She said she doesn’t
feel like she knows me after three months and feels like something is missing. I said: “You
told me you were overwhelmed so I backed off. That’s why you haven’t met my friends.”

What should I do? Did I back off too much when she said she was overwhelmed? Did I just
overreact to her girl drama? Any chance of getting her back? Of course, I only want a girl
who wants me, but this girl and I have a lot in common and I really enjoy her. Plus, I have a
thing for redheads.

I’ve owned “The System” for over a year, however, it’s hard to be perfect with it. I know
confusion and mixed signals mean Low Interest, but I also know Crystal did all of our date
requests and planning, she wanted me to meet her parents and she came to my house to break
it off with me and spent an hour or so in tears. This girl definitely liked me.

Please help me.

Zev - who doesn’t know how he screwed up

doc love’s answer

Hi Zev,

It’s very good that a girl is asking you out on dates, but you shouldn’t be stacking dates, pal.
You’re not going to accept a date for Monday, Wednesday and Thursday all at the same time.
There’s no faster way to murder Challenge than by being available every night of the week.
And let the girl ask you for dates, but there shouldn’t be any conversation between the dates.
who is in control?
Crystal’s scheduling the dates and so she thinks she’s in control. However, you’re actually in
control here because you have “The System” and you understand that women with a high
Interest Level chase men for dates. However, when Crystal said that there was nothing wrong
with your relationship except that you were going from “I” to “we” too quickly, she
contradicted herself, and that means you’re not getting the straight truth.

When a girl says she’s stressed, that means her Interest Level is on the way down. And
remember: Only you can raise or lower her Interest Level. A trip to China has no effect on her
Interest Level whatsoever, the same way that her mother being sick has no effect on her
Interest Level either. To you Psych majors: What these girls do is camouflage their low
Interest Level by telling you that the problem is something else.

When Crystal asked you for a date from China, you should have told her that you were
confused right now and that you needed time to think -- because you’re on the way out and it
would have been a chance to restart Challenge. Instead, you gave Challenge no chance
whatsoever to reignite. You took all three dates with Crystal. The problem was that at the
same time you were seeing her, her Interest Level was slipping from 49% to 47% to 43%.
And when it gets to 39%, you’re out. She got sick during one of those dates because she was
very uncomfortable trying to figure out how to get rid of you.

Do you know when to back off? Learn to read the warning signs next...

read the signs

Of course Crystal broke up with you because her Interest Level hit 39%. Women don’t leave
when their Interest Level is 49% like men do. But Zev, what you didn’t grasp was that while
she was talking about being stressed before her overseas trip, you were on the way out then.
You missed a huge red flag when you failed to read the signs.

Do you know why Crystal was in tears when she was dumping you? Because she knew that it
would hurt your feelings and she felt bad. But, she still dropped you, didn’t she? Like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “She might have felt a little guilty lowering the broom on
you, but she has a very forgiving nature.” Of course something was missing for Crystal: a
high Interest Level! You might have backed off when she claimed to be overwhelmed, but
you should have backed off a lot sooner.

What should you do? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “There’s only
one thing you can do when she gives you your walking papers: find another girlfriend.” Face
it, Zev, this girl is history. You didn’t back off soon enough. You made all kinds of mistakes
to lower her Interest Level. At one time this girl liked you. Now she doesn’t because her
Interest Level plummeted. End of story.
second chances?
You got no chance whatsoever of getting this girl back. And you don’t have anything in
common with her, either. Because if you only wanted a girl who wanted you, you would be
dropping her right now and I wouldn’t be trying to talk you into it. Like my Uncle Jethro
Love says: “You might have a thing for redheads, boy, but the redhead ain’t got a thing for
you.” All you’re talking about is your interest in Crystal, and that’s a given. But hers is the
only one that’s important.

What all this tells me is that you might have owned my materials for a year, but you haven’t
memorized them because you wouldn’t be in this mess if you had. My materials are a tool.
However, unless you master the tool, you’re going to lose the girl. Of course it’s hard to be
perfect with it. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “You think just because
he’s good, Kobe doesn’t practice?” You have to study harder, my friend.

So what if Crystal came to your house to break it off with you? It wouldn’t matter if she
dumped you at a restaurant, by e-mail or on the top of Mount Everest -- it’s the same
difference. No matter which way she did it, you’re still out.

Remember, guys: Until “The System” is memorized, you’re not going to make it with women.

Doc Love: When She Needs Time To Think

Hey Doc,

I’m an avid reader of your columns. I’m 40 and divorced with no children. I met Gia online.
She’s 38, divorced, and has no children. After a couple of e-mails, I asked for her number
and she gave it to me. By the fourth date we got very romantic. After a month, we began to
speak more often (two to three times per week) and saw each other twice, sometimes three
times, per week.

After a month, she surprised me with a nice birthday gift: a steak dinner and Yankees tickets.
Then she went to Australia on a group tour she purchased before we met. She was gone for
two weeks and that’s when I realized I wanted to be with her and only her. I took myself off
the dating site, without announcing it to her. When she returned, she asked me how the site
treated me while she was away. I said: “I wouldn’t know, I took myself off after you left.”
She said: “That’s funny, I took myself off before I left.” She told me she did it because she
didn’t want to meet anyone else and that she was very happy with me. We began to speak
and see each other even more often.
her infidelity shone through
After two months together, I told her that I was in love with her. She immediately replied: “I
love you, too.” One Sunday morning we told each other about relationships we both had that
ended when we met. I was with a woman who didn’t want to have children. Gia was in a
similar situation, but the man she was with was married. I was taken aback, because I didn’t
picture her with a married man. We both admitted that the other people were still pursuing us,
but there was no need to worry -- we were fully committed to each other and didn’t want to be
with anyone else. It was never mentioned again.

During this time, Gia was in the process of trying to buy a house. She was very nervous about
it. Suddenly, I began to sense a distance that was unlike her. Then she admitted there was
something else: Her ex, the married guy, was pursuing her hard. She said she didn’t know
what was right for her at this point and asked for a couple of days to figure it out. I told her to
do what she had to do, but that I wouldn’t be with someone who wasn’t 100% with me.

she wasn't an actor, or so she says

A week later she called to tell me she couldn’t give me 100% right now. She said that she
needed to be alone to figure out what she wanted. I told her that she should have told me
sooner before feelings got to where they were. She said that she meant everything she said,
did and felt toward me and that she’s not an actor. At that point, I ended the conversation.

I have not contacted Gia and will not contact her under any circumstance. I went back on
the dating site and am trying to move on, but I can’t for the life of me figure out what
happened, and I’m still pretty broken up about it. Any insights, Doc?

Heff - who never saw it coming

doc love's answer

Hi Heff,

Let me get this straight: You’re an avid reader of my column, but you don’t own “The
System.” And now you’re going to tell me about a woman you’re in love with who you can’t
handle. Dude, without “The System” you’re not going to make it. This is what I find ironic
about so many of you guys. You read my column, but you don’t go and acquire the key to the
kingdom itself.

You shouldn’t get very romantic with a woman in just a couple of weeks. You have to go in
slowly. When you go in fast, you’re playing with fire and you’re going to get dumped before
you know what hit you. This is the biggest mistake men make. They rush. And like my cousin
Rabbi Love says: “What’s sad is that they rush right into rejection.”
slow and steady wins the race
Another mistake was talking to Gia two or three times a week. You should be calling her once
a week, taking her out one night Sunday through Thursday and getting to know her slowly.
Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “When you go in slowly, the foundation and the basis
of your relationship is 10 times stronger than when you rush.”

After a month of going out, it was fantastic that Gia gave you a big treat of dinner and a
ballgame. It shows she’s a Giver -- but you still didn’t know her true Interest Level because
you didn’t have a lot of time in with her. On the first couple of dates, Interest Level is always
high. Afterward is when Reality sets in.

When she tells you she needs time to think, Doc Love has all of the reasons why this is a very
bad thing...

what did Gia want?

So, Heff, you decided that you wanted to be with only Gia. We know what you want, you’re
telling me all the time, but what does she want? Yet, another mistake was taking your photo
off the dating website. Gia should be coming to you and begging you to take it off. Like most
men, you gave away the store for free. And now that you’ve gotten zonked, you’re
wondering: “What the heck happened?”

Seeing Gia even more often was another mistake, mistake, mistake. Buddy, you have to spoon
feed yourself when it comes to women. The amount of time you have in with her is extremely
important. And when you have high Interest Level for a couple of dates, it means nothing.
You need to have high Interest Level for lots of dates.

Heff, you never tell a woman you’re in love with her. Like my cousin Brother Love down in
Watts says: “Well, dawg, I guess we know she owns you now!” And what follows is called
boredom. You’re boring and a non-Challenge to Gia. After just two months of dating she has
you all wrapped up like a little puppy dog.

infidelity = undateable
But, the best part is yet to come. Now she tells you she’s the mistress of a married man. This
indicates that your girl has no Integrity. Remember the commandment: “Thou shalt not covet
thy neighbor’s wife or husband”? Check it out -- it’s right there in the Good Book.

Of course you didn’t picture Gia with a married man -- you mistook her for someone with
Integrity. But it turns out she doesn’t have any, and you should have dropped her on the spot.
She doesn’t have to worry about anything because she knows she owns you. But you have to
worry because she has no Integrity. And by the way, why is this guy still coming after her so
hard? Why didn’t Gia, if she was so in love with you, tell this guy: “Stay away! I’m in love
with Heff?” She didn’t do that, did she? Doesn’t that tell you something?

The problem is that you were committed to Gia, but she wasn’t committed to you. In fact, like
my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “You should be committed for believing her!”

I have news for you, Heff. Gia wasn’t nervous about buying a house. She was nervous about
her low Interest Level in you. The distance you felt was her interest taking a dive. But you
don’t understand that process because you don’t have my course materials. You don’t know
anything about the significance of Interest Level dropping from 88% to 86% to 82%, etc.

she doesn't want you

Gia told you earlier that her ex was pursuing her at the same time she told you she was in a
committed relationship to you. I guess she’s committed to two guys now; is that what you’re
saying? If she doesn’t know what’s right for her, it means her Interest Level in you has
ducked south of the border, which means below 50%. At this point it was the second time
you should have dropped her. She’s saying loud and clear that she doesn't want you.

And why did all of this happen to you, guy? Because you rushed in with this woman. You
didn’t spend enough time with her. You had high Interest Level, but not enough time in.

When Gia says she can’t give you 100%, at least she’s being honest (except when it comes to
the other guy’s wife, of course!). And when she says she doesn’t know what she wants, it
means you’re out. This is what I call the beating, which so many guys hang around to absorb
long after they should be out of there. Once the woman tells you she used to go out with a
married guy, right then and there you should have gotten out. But Heff, you should have
found out about this guy before you took your name off the singles site and before you said "I
love you" to Gia. Think about it: You said those three sacred words to a woman who has the
hots for a married guy. One more thing: “I need to be alone” is Womanese for “I really want
to go out with my married lover!”

Remember, guys: When you go in fast, you go out just as fast.

Doc Love: She Won't Stop Texting

Hey Doc,

I’ve been dating Kanesha, a single mom, for a couple of months. I'm 25 and she’s 28. I have
a very promising career in sales and marketing and own my own home. She has a 5-year-old
girl and an 8-year-old boy who she introduced me to a couple of weeks ago. They are great
kids and very well mannered. Kanesha is a waitress at a Red Lobster. For the past few weeks
she comes over every Wednesday after she gets off from work and we watch a movie
together. We also get together on Saturdays when she leaves work and we have drinks, hang
out with people and she watches TV with me and my friends and family.

constant contact
Here’s my problem: Kanesha texts me every day -- when she is about to go to work, leave
work and go to bed. She says things like “I'm off to work,” or “Have a great day,” and “Don’t
work too hard.” In other words, she texts me just about all the time to fill me in on whatever
she is doing in her schedule. From the beginning I’ve been responding to all these messages,
even though it’s anti-Challenge. I need to know how to stop. Or should I not stop?

taking it slow
Doc, there’s one more thing. Kanesha and I have made out, but have not gotten too
romantic, if you catch my drift. It’s my understanding from reading your materials that this
is not a bad thing. How long should we wait to become more romantic? I would love your
input on this.

I would also like to thank you for coaching us men. We appreciate it!

Jeb - who doesn’t want to make any mistakes

doc love’s answer

Hi Jeb,

So, this girlfriend of yours has two young kids who are going to move out of her house when
they are 18. Do you plan on marrying her then? Or do you plan on marrying her within the
next year? If there’s absolutely no chance of you marrying her and being a great father to her
kids, you should drop her right now, because what you’re doing is all a complete waste of
time. It’s not fair to the kids, Kanesha or you. Think about it, guy.

Now let me get this straight. You’ve been going out with Kanesha for all of two months and
already you have her hanging around with your friends and family? And her kids are hanging
around, too? This is all way, way too fast, man! A woman you’re dating shouldn’t even be
meeting your family until after six months. Are you sure you’ve read my materials? Like my
Uncle Jethro Love says: “What you’re doing here, boy, is rushin’ in like a steer in a rodeo!”
You’re not giving this thing any chance whatsoever to develop. I’ve said it a million times
before: Rushing is the best way to kill a budding relationship.

no more mystery
But here’s what really baffles me, Jeb. Why in the world are you responding to Kanesha’s
text messages when you know they are anti-Challenge? You should have told her from the
beginning: “Honey, save whatever you have to say to me for our dates.”

Read on for more of Doc Love's answer...

Saying thank you to her every time she says "God bless you" whenever you sneezed from day
one was the absolute antithesis of creating any sense of mystery. From the beginning, she
knew exactly what you were up to every single minute and you let it happen. Like the great
Doctor Freud once said: “With women, you have to leave a little something to the
imagination.”

habits die hard

Now you want to go back and undo it all. Well, like the old cowboy saying goes: “You
already opened up the barn door, and it’s gonna be damn near impossible to get the horses
back in.” To you Psych majors, once a bad habit starts with a woman, it’s almost impossible
to get her to cut it out.

See, Jeb, you don’t have much leeway in the matter now since you’ve enabled Kanesha with
her text obsession. What you have to say to her is this: “Look, what I really like to do when I
communicate with you is have you talk to me in person because you have a beautiful, sexy
voice, and you have the most beautiful eyes of any woman on the face of the planet. But
honey, when you text me, you take that all away, and I don’t get to hear your beautiful voice
and see your gorgeous eyes. So from now on, I’m not going to be answering your texts.
Please, just save whatever you have to say for our date.” Then, like my cousin Sal “The Fish”
Love says: “You have to hope she buys it.”

you lost self-control

This is what’s called a “cleanup case.” But since you’ve participated in this texting chit-chat
from the very beginning, the problem of course is that Kanesha can say, “No, I don’t want
to go along with that,” and then you’ve got a big argument -- and problem -- on your hands.
Again, you should have stopped Kanesha the very first time she texted you. The only way
you’re going to break any bad habit with a woman is by calling her on it the first time it
happens. Once you let it slide for a couple of months and allow it to become an ingrained
habit and then try to break it, she’ll think you don’t like her anymore. This is the danger you
face now as a consequence of not showing self-control at the outset.

Should you get more romantic with Kanesha? The main thing you should be concerned
with now is not how much you’re going to kiss this woman, but rather keeping her Interest
Level in the 90s. If you keep a woman’s Interest Level in the 90s, everything else will work
out.

And yes, as far as being romantic with a lady goes, the longer you wait, the better it is. That’s
a hard and fast rule. Because if you wait, you won’t be rushing in and ruining everything
before it has a chance to begin. That’s called simple deductive reasoning, my friend.

Remember, guys: The only way to beat a bad habit is to not let it start.

Doc Love: Too Many Women To Choose From

Hey Doc,

I like to join groups like acting and tai chi classes and I work in the entertainment industry, in
which I constantly encounter circumstances where a bunch of men and women who don’t
know each other are shoved together in a situation where they’re forced to interact. Naturally,
people start to pair off.

I really like this dynamic and find it very interesting, and I’m very much in my own element.
Obviously, if you want your pick of the hottest girls in a newly formed group, you have to
play your hand really well. I think I do well because I’ve had so much practice. I hold off, act
a little aloof, and let the other guys shoot themselves down while I play it friendly, funny and
confident, but cool. I don’t hang around chatting or anything. The result is that I get lots of
girls interested in me. They tend to vie for my attention by being aggressive, humorous, shy
or reserved, or whatever.

they orbit but don't bump

But here’s the big problem: It’s like I have this little solar system of females circling around
me, but what do I do now? I’ve got girls smiling and brushing against me, but then I don’t
know what to do! I feel like if I choose one, then all the others will feel left out and give their
attention to one of the other guys. So I sit there, I don’t make any definite moves at all, the
girls’ interest grows and grows, but then it starts to wane and they pair up with some other
guy or the class or job ends and that’s that.

And I get greedy. I want them all! Is there some way to get them all or should I choose one
and alienate all the others, or will it make the others come after me harder? I’ve never tried! I
run into this situation over and over and if you could help me it would turn my life around,
because doing what I’m doing gets me a lot of attention but never, ever any “closed deals.”

Osi - who needs a few tips

doc love's answer

Hi Osi,

Going to these classes and having the job you have is a great thing because you’re getting out
there. When you’re involved in these types of activities there are going to be lots of women --
which is exactly what you want as a single guy. Most guys wouldn’t think of doing what
you’re doing, but they should. To you Psych majors, if men went to where beautiful women
congregate, they couldn’t help but meet them. This is common sense. And where are there
more beautiful women than in acting classes? Even if you’re not interested in theater or film,
you can find some kind of rationale to attend. If someone asks what you’re doing there if
you’re not an actor, just say: “I’m studying human psychology.”

delusions of grandeur
But let me ask you this, guy: How can you say girls are vying for your attention when they’re
being shy or reserved? It doesn’t make any sense. The only way a woman can try to interest
you is by being aggressive, humorous or flirtatious. So what you’re saying is a contradiction.
Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Like lots of guys, you’re indulging in wishful
thinking.” And like most guys, you’re rationalizing.

What should you do when all these women are circling around you? You have to close on one
of them, man. There’s nothing more important that you can do. You have to pick one out and
get her number; otherwise you’re going to end up with nothing. Like my cousin Rabbi Love
says: “You can’t have five or 10 women, my son, but you can have one.” And that’s what
you’re after.

More from Doc Love on what to do when you have too many women to choose from...

it only takes one

So here’s what you do: Go up to one of the women who is giving you overt buying signals,
take her by the hand, and say: “You’re going to be my partner.” This is how you close, Osi.
Up to that point, your presentation is great. You can probably go in and convince Mister
Smith that he needs $16,000 worth of aluminum siding for his house, but until you say
“Mister Smith, please pay me,” and you get a signed agreement and a check out of him, your
presentation means nothing. It’s the same thing with this bevy of females. You’ve got to
close. You have to pair off with one of them. Then, next week, when the same bunch of
honeys is there again, pair off with another one. Keep doing it until you’ve got three or four
or five of them on the line.

Now, some of these women will gravitate to the other guys, but it doesn’t matter: you’re
being a Challenge and they’ll think twice about you. And eventually you’re going to pick
one of those girls.

The most important chapter in The Dating Dictionary is “Closing The Deal.” That’s what
you’re not doing, and that’s why you need “The System.” Then you’ve got to read it and
memorize it.

all you need is love (from one woman)

I know you want lots of women, Osi. But I’ve got news for you: Every guy is greedy. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Hey man, who doesn’t want them all?” But you
can only get one. Even John, Paul, George, and Ringo ended up with just one.

You can’t pair up with six women each week. You can only pair up with one. Some of the
women will get turned off when you go after one of them, but others will see you as a
Challenge. And those are the ones you’ll go after later. Your major problem is that you’ve
never tried with any of them.

act like the man

So zero in on one of these babes, do your little skit in the acting class or your workout in tai
chi, and if the girl really has a lot of fun with you, ask her for her home phone number while
you’re alone with her. Next week, when there are a bunch of other girls hovering around
you, pick out another one, have a good time with her, then ask for the home phone number.
Just keep getting numbers. But don’t go out with any of them. Even if they talk about what
you’re doing behind your back, keep getting more numbers. If some of the women get mad,
fine -- you don’t want the ones who get bent out of shape anyway. You only want the one
who shows the highest Interest Level.

Remember, guys: If you don’t know how to close, you’ll never have a girlfriend.

Doc Love: Move Past The Friend Zone

Hey Doc,

Kirsten and I exchanged phone numbers and began calling each other. She said that she was
only interested in friendship right now rather than a relationship because it would confuse her
10-year-old daughter. She dated one of my friends before me and has told me that she
eventually wants to find a man she can marry. Now, I don’t know whether this is a hint to
say, “get lost” or what. She has also said that she doesn’t know me that well yet, so I’m
thinking that maybe with time she might become romantically interested in me.

birthday blues
I found out that Kirsten’s birthday is in a few days and I told her that I would buy her
something and we’d celebrate it. As she enjoys cooking, I suggested that I’d buy her
something for her kitchen but she replied that she didn’t understand my motive for buying her
a gift. I was too dumbfounded to reply. During our conversation I playfully flirted with her,
but she said that I shouldn’t do that. And by the way, she seems to get annoyed if any other
guys flirt with her.

As we are both Christians, I can understand where Kirsten’s coming from, but I just can’t
stop thinking about her. I’m not the clingy type and I have a lot of respect for her. I suppose
I’ll keep the relationship where it is, but frankly, I’d like to have a long-term relationship with
her.

Doc, what’s your honest opinion about what I should do? Should I wait until friendship turns
into romance? No matter what, I would hate to destroy a perfect friendship with Kirsten. I
need coaching, please.

Sharpie - who wants more than she’s giving

doc love's answer

Hi Sharpie,

First of all, what are you and Kirsten doing calling each other? When you call a girl on the
phone, you’re supposed to ask her out for a date. You don’t call to chitchat. The phone is for
getting a date -- period.

When Kirsten says that she doesn’t want a relationship with you and prefers a friendship
only, she’s really saying that she has low Interest Level in you, that you don’t have a chance
with her, and that it has nothing whatsoever to do with her 10-year-old daughter.

she wants to get married...

And when she says that she wants to find someone to marry, she’s really saying in another
way that she only wants to be friends with you and that there’s absolutely nothing else
involved. So, this woman is telling you up front how she feels, which is great because like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Now you don’t have to waste your time with
her.” So be thankful, Sharpie, that you’re not being taken for a ride.

Kirsten’s not telling you to get lost. She’ll be your friend, but you shouldn’t have any
illusions about a romance with her. If you think that if you hang around long enough she’ll
fall in love with you, you’re grasping for straws. Because when a woman utters the word
“friendship” in connection to you, you’re not in the ballgame with her at all.
...but not to you
That said, why in the world are you buying this woman a birthday present? You buy gifts for
your girlfriend, and Kirsten’s not your girlfriend. And by the way, in case you haven’t
noticed, you’re not even dating her. And that’s why Kirsten doesn’t understand your motive
for buying her a gift. What you’re really trying to do here is raise her Interest Level by buying
her something, when she has no interest, romantically, in you at all.

Can Doc Love make Sharpie see that his play was doomed from the beginning? Find out...

honesty is better than nothing

At least she’s not a taker. She’s not saying: “Sure, Sharpie, I’ll take whatever you give me.”
The lady is honest, I’ll give you that, and you should be grateful for that especially since
you’re not seeing straight or thinking clearly right now. Like my cousin General Love says:
“You’re like a sitting duck, soldier.” Know why you were too dumbfounded to reply to
Kirsten when she said she didn’t want a present from you? Because your Interest Level is
89% and hers is 0%.

Kirsten’s telling you the truth when she says that you shouldn’t flirt. Why? Because you’re
just friends. And she’s reinforcing that idea to you over and over. How do you know that she
gets annoyed when other guys flirt with her? Are you with her all the time, every second of
the day, whenever any other guy talks to her? You’re rationalizing here, dude. The ones she
gets annoyed with are the ones she has low Interest Level in. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish”
Love says: “Take my word for it, when the right guy comes along, she will not be annoyed.”
And you are not that guy, Sharpie!

you have no control, at all

Of course you have great respect for Kirsten. However, the problem is that you have high
Interest Level in her too, and she has no interest in you romantically. I have news for you,
buddy: You’re not keeping the relationship where it is -- she's keeping the relationship where
it is. You want more, and she’s saying a loud, resounding no. Thus, you have no control in
this relationship whatsoever. The woman sets the pace, and in this case, like my Uncle Jethro
Love says: “The horse never got out of the damn barn.”

You want a long-term relationship with Kirsten? You can’t even get to first base with her!
You can’t even buy her a pot and pan without her telling you no. What chance do you have
with a girl like that? Wake up and smell the coffee, guy!

What should you do? You have to get my materials and memorize them, because what you’re
doing is living on your Interest Level and projecting it onto Kirsten. I’ve said it many, many
times before: This is the biggest mistake men make with women.
you'll be waiting for a lifetime
Sure, you can wait until friendship turns into romance -- if you’re going to live to be 180.
Why not move on and start hustling other women now? Kirsten has told you what’s what
loud and clear.

One more thing: You don’t have a perfect friendship with this lady. She has a perfect
friendship with you, and you’re trying to move it into the dating zone. The odds are one in a
million that it would ever happen.

Remember, guys: Never try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you.

Doc Love: Wasting Time With The Wrong Woman

Hey Doc,

I have read all of your weekly columns and have recently invested in your book; to say the
least, it’s awesome. I’m reading it for the third time and am trying to memorize it.

I’m dating Candy who is 24 years old and a “7” on the female beauty scale. I’m 26, and
we’ve been dating for two and a half years. By the way, I’m good-looking, but sometimes
lack Self- Confidence. Here’s my problem:

aren’t we on the same page?

Seven weeks ago, Candy got a new job and since then I have been feeling like I am losing
my grip on her. Now she says that she is going abroad to earn her master’s degree. We had a
heated talk about it and I told her that I consider the relationship over since it’s going to be a
long-distance thing. She said that she would come back home immediately afterward and has
no intention to stay abroad. She wants to be financially independent and education is
important to her. As you say, Doc, a woman will do what she wants to do, when she wants to
do it and with whom she wants to do it.

Doc, this girl never asks me out and when she does it’s only by hinting. Is this normal after
two and half years? Shouldn’t this chick be hearing wedding bells in her head instead of
leaving for further education overseas? Shouldn’t I own her after two and half years?
Shouldn’t she want to see me often? I currently feel I cannot raise her Interest Level any
higher. How would you rate her Interest Level?

time to move on?

I feel like when I am a Challenge Candy also becomes a Challenge, and I become bitter and it
gets me tired. She stopped telling me that she loved me because I don’t tell her first and often
enough. I have many issues bothering me, but I don’t know how to “pour my heart out” and
not appear weak or negative. Shouldn’t couples talk about what’s bothering them? Should I
stick around and not jump ship at the slightest turmoil? Am I reading too much into nothing?

One last thing, Doc. I dumped Candy about a year and a half ago; however, I took her
back and things seemed OK . She has told me she won’t cry if I dump her again because
she is a big girl now. Should I dump her and start taking numbers?

Please coach me, Doc, even if it’s just to say “drop her!” I feel like I’m going crazy.

Eck - who is beginning to lose it

doc love’s answer

Hi Eck,

After you memorize my materials, your Self-Confidence will explode. Like the great Doctor
Freud once said: “Self-confidence builds from how much you understand women." And
after you complete my course, you will have the Self-Confidence to deal with all women.

a little too late

You might feel like you’re losing your grip on Candy right now, but the truth is that you lost
your grip on her a long time ago. And this is the problem that the vast majority of men have:
By the time he picks up that something is seriously wrong with his relationship, it’s way, way
too late to do anything about it.

Of course Candy has to go abroad to earn her master’s degree -- that’s because there are no
colleges in the United States. Eck, there are only 55,000 of them -- duh. So, what does it tell
you that she needs to go to Timbuktu to study? Your relationship with Candy isn’t over
because it’s a “long-distance thing”; it’s over because she’s leaving the country! The real
point here is that she values going overseas to get an advanced degree when she can get one
here and be with you. Think about it, my friend.

No, it’s not normal that Candy never asks you out. And what it demonstrates is that this babe
fell out of love with you a long time ago. Should she be hearing wedding bells instead of
going overseas? You hit it right on the head, guy. But like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “The
problem is that they don’t hear wedding bells when they have a low Interest Level.”

Eck is wasting time with the wrong woman. Doc Love continues his explanation next...
you’re wasting your time
Eck, you should have gotten my course materials six months to a year before you met Candy
and you wouldn’t be in this mess right now. If you had, you would have realized that she’s
not a keeper, and you would have gotten rid of her a lot sooner. This is something else most
guys don’t realize: When you stick with a hopeless situation, the clock is ticking and you’re
losing time when you could have been hustling somebody else who is potentially a good
partner. Moreover, you’ve spent all kinds of money on a losing cause when for a mere $99
you could have had my course materials in time to effectively deal with the situation and
saved yourself thousands in the long run.

Of course you should own this woman after two and a half years -- but you don’t. And of
course she should want to see you all of the time -- but she doesn’t. Know why you can’t
raise her Interest Level higher now? Because it’s below 50%. You can only raise a woman’s
Interest Level when it’s above 50%. I’d rate Candy’s Interest Level at 45%, which means
you’re in desperate trouble.

how to understand Challenge

Now let me straighten you out on being a Challenge. You’re attempting to be a Challenge
because you’re trying to get Candy to do what you want her to do. However, she’s not being a
Challenge for the sake of being a Challenge. She’s already a Challenge because she has a low
Interest Level in you. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Girls don’t play hard to get
-- girls that have a low Interest Level are hard to get.” In other words, they’re impossible to
get when they have a low Interest Level.

If Candy won’t tell you she loves you, that shows you’re out. When you tell her you love her,
you’re talking to the wall because once her Interest Level goes from 51% to 49%, you’re
history. What you don’t realize is that, in her mind, Candy is looking at this move to a foreign
land not only as a way to further her education, but also as a way to get away from you.

Of course you should talk about what bothers you with your girl; however, everything
bothers you, and nothing bothers her! You don’t have to be concerned about jumping ship
now -- you were out a year ago. This girl has a low Interest Level. That’s the biggest problem
here.

there’s no going back, man

You dumped Candy in the first place because you knew something was wrong even before
you had my program. And you did the right thing by dumping her, Eck. However, if you read
the chapter “Back” in The Dating Dictionary, you’ll see that you can’t go back. So, you
wasted another whole year with this babe. You spent a cartload of money on her in the past
year, you’re uncomfortable with her, you’re frustrated with her, you’re having nightmares
over her: So why are you with her?
Candy won’t cry if you dump her this time because she has a low Interest Level, not because
she’s all grown up. When you drop a girl who has 45% Interest Level, she just giggles. So, of
course you should dump her again and start taking numbers.

Remember, guys: If you’re with someone for two and a half years and she wants to leave the
country -- without you -- you’re finished.

Doc Love: She Cheated On You

Hey Doc,

I have a question about this woman I’m dating. Yvonne had a “best friend” with whom she
spent a lot of time. At some point, I became suspicious about the two of them and I
confronted her about it. She calmed me down by telling me he was just a friend and that I
had nothing to worry about. Even though my intuition was telling me otherwise, I accepted
her explanation and trusted her.

fool me twice…
I broke up with Yvonne for other reasons, and three months later we got back together. Not
long afterward, she dropped a bomb by telling me she had been cheating on me with this
guy. I didn’t want to break up again with her after we had just started dating again, so I tried
to deal with it. At that time, I began reading your materials and tried to be a Challenge to
Yvonne. I think her Interest Level has grown a lot since then. Her attitude has also changed a
lot toward me; she is sweet and has turned into a Giver.

Everything would be perfect now except for one thing: Yvonne wants to keep the guy she
cheated on me with as a friend. When I’ve asked her to ditch him, she tells me that I should
not be jealous and controlling. It seems like in this area she acts as if she did nothing wrong,
and does not care about my feelings or rebuilding my trust. Aside from that, she has become a
really sweet girl.

So, Doc, why is she doing this? Do you think her change is sincere? Should we continue as a
couple if Yvonne holds on to this guy as a friend? Should I expend any more effort in this
relationship?

Phil - who has his doubts

doc love’s answer

Hi Phil,

Sadly, men don’t listen to their intuition. But they should listen to it because, like my cousin
Rabbi Love says: “It’s a very powerful force and a guardian angel that was put there to
protect them.” The popular belief that only women have a powerful intuition is bogus. It’s one
more lie perpetuated by society that would have you believe that men are just a bunch of
simpering dolts who are completely incompetent in the face of the superior sex -- women.

So, you got rid of Yvonne for other reasons aside from the fact that you sensed she was
playing around with another man. But here’s the most important point: The reasons you got
rid of her in the first place are still there. You have to ask yourself this question, Phil: Why
did you go back to this woman?

once a liar, always a liar

When Yvonne dropped the bomb on you that she’d been cheating, it went to prove that your
intuition was right on the money and that you should have listened to it the first time around.
Even more importantly is this: She lied about it. This girl is a liar. She has no Integrity. You
can’t trust anything that ever comes out of her mouth for as long as you live. Nothing that she
ever says in the future will ever have anything to do with reality.

Not wanting to break up with Yvonne again after getting back together with her is a lame
excuse. To you Psych majors: When you catch someone lying to you, it’s over. That’s all
there is to it. I don’t care if you dropped this babe 50 times and went back to her 49 times, she
still has to be out if she lies to you. What do you mean you don’t want to break up with her
again? What a flimsy excuse for showing the world that you don’t have any guts, pal. Like
my cousin General Love says: “You can’t even be called a soldier, because you’re a coward.”

Forget becoming a Challenge to Yvonne now. Like the old cowboy saying goes: “The horse
is already out of the barn.” When you found out she was a liar and cheater, she had to be out
forever. There can be no understanding; there can be no working Challenge on her or trying to
get back in -- because it’s over. Period. She’s a liar and a cheater. Like my cousin Fast Eddie
Love from East L.A. says: “What two worse qualities would you want in a woman?” So come
on, Phil, get a grip on yourself here.

What to do when she cheated on you? That's next...

don’t be a chump
When you say that Yvonne’s a much better woman now than she was before, you’re grasping
for straws. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “I don’t care if she’s turned into
Mother Theresa, she told you a guy was just a friend, and she lied. What else do you need to
hear, dawg?” Get it through your head, Phil. She's a deceiver.
Now Yvonne wants to stay friends with the guy she screwed around with and lied to you
about, and you actually wonder if you should keep her? You really are very funny, Phil. And
this isn’t the only problem here. It’s the fourth problem. Gosh, how you men rationalize! And
this situation does not have anything to do with being jealous or controlling. It has to do with
the fact that this guy is Yvonne’s ex-lover. Not a gay friend. Not a guy who just happens to be
male. No, this guy is an ex-lover. (And, by the way, for all you know he’s an ex!) So, this has
to do with Respect -- her lack of Respect for you. It has nothing whatsoever to do with
jealousy, possessiveness or control.

time to move on
You did hit one thing smack on the head though, buddy: Yvonne does not care about your
feelings or rebuilding your trust in her. She doesn’t care at all, and she shows it by insisting
on keeping this other guy around. You’re going along with it because she knows you’re a
wimp. You’ll rationalize anything to keep her, won’t you, Phil?

But you say Yvonne is actually very sweet. Oh, I’m sure she’s a really sweet girl. A sweet girl
who’s seeing an ex that she was intimate with, and that she lied about all the time. Yup, she
sounds like a real gem all right.

Yvonne is doing this because she has low Interest Level in you and high Interest Level in the
other guy. There’s been no change in her at all. There’s no sincerity here either. Should you
stay with her even if she keeps this other guy as a friend? Have you been smoking lots of
dope, Phil? But I do have to tell you that this girl has some real cojones. She’s walking all
over you. Do you want her to keep walking all over you? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish”
Love says: “After you memorize the Dating Dictionary, you’ll stop wearing her dress in this
relationship.”

The only effort you should expend now is in telling her you’re finished. What should you do?
You can’t get rid of her fast enough.

Remember, guys: When you find out that she’s a liar and a cheater, it’s really best to leave.

Doc Love: Dating Before Divorce

Hey Doc,

I’ve read your course materials and love your weekly column. Much wise material is
contained in your words.

I’m a professor in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, and I have recently separated from my wife. I also
have a 6-year-old daughter. I met Danya, a student of mine, and we started talking, going out
on dates and finally established a relationship. She’s 29, I’m 33 and everything was fine for
the first three months, until she told her parents about our relationship. Since then they have
transformed my life into a living hell.

Every time Danya and I are together, she is wonderful, we make plans for the future and we
have lots of fun. But whenever her parents call or visit her, they tell her that sooner or later I
will leave her and go back to my ex-wife, and that I’ll break her heart, just like her ex-
boyfriend who was also separated from his wife. Well, they don’t know me and they
shouldn’t make such harsh judgments.

unwanted parental influence

Now these people are badgering Danya on a daily basis, trying to convince her to go back to
her hometown, which is 2,000 miles from here. She’s beginning to tell me to forget her and
to not call her anymore because it’s going to be easier for her to forget me that way. She says
she can’t take the pressure from her parents or me.

I know Danya loves me because of the way she is when we’re together. I have no doubt that I
love her and that I’m not going back to my wife. I don’t know if keeping a distance from
Danya now is a good idea, because I’m afraid her family will end up convincing her to do
what they want. I simply don’t know how to deal with this situation.

Please coach me, Doc.

Davi - who doesn’t know whether he should apply more pressure

doc love's answer

Hi Davi,

Thanks for the compliment, but I don’t think you actually memorized my materials because if
you had, you’d understand that you can’t be trying to date someone when you’re already
married. So, in the first place, I have to straighten you out on something. You didn’t “firmly
establish” a relationship with Danya. How could you, pal? You have a wife. So you couldn’t
and didn’t have anything solid with this woman. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “You’re
standing on second base and you forgot to touch first!” In case you haven’t noticed, Davi, you
don’t have your divorce papers yet. This relationship you think you have with Danya is really
nothing but a big daydream in your own mind. It’s a fantasy and my job is to help you deal
with reality.

you're out of line

Of course Danya’s folks have transformed your life into a living hell. What else would you
expect them to do? If your daughter were going out with a married man who has a family,
what would you, as a good father or mother, say to her? Wouldn’t you try to stop her from
ruining her life? Think about it, guy.

Here’s something else, something a little more sinister. You abused your power as a teacher
by hitting on your student. So what do you think that makes you look like to Danya’s family?
Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “When you put the moves on the females who are
in your class to learn, you’re acting like a sleaze-bucket.” Davi, you’re lucky that Danya’s
parents -- or the school administration for that matter -- haven’t gone after your job for
messing around with a student. So now there are two strikes against this so-called
relationship.

Doc Love's advice continues after the jump...

Maybe Danya’s family shouldn’t judge you too harshly. But they know you’re a married man,
don’t they? And they know that their daughter was dumped by another guy under similar
circumstances, right? Again, dude, what else could you possibly expect from them? So, I
disagree with you about their actions here. I say her parents are great people! They’re only
doing what any concerned parent would do -- and it’s the right thing, too, Davi. To you Psych
majors: No decent parent advises his or her kid to get into a relationship with a married man.

they're looking out for her

Danya’s parents are what I call Blockers. There is no question whatsoever that they’re trying
to put a stop to this situation. But they’re really only getting involved to protect their daughter
because you’re still a legally committed man, you have a kid, you don’t have your divorce
finalized yet, and this thing can never take off because you already have a spouse. But, Davi,
you keep rationalizing the significance of the fact that you have a wife. You act like it’s no big
deal at all that you’re married -- but to Danya’s parents it’s a huge deal, and rightly so. Like
my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Usually when you’re married, it means you
can’t be chasing other women.”

You might not have the intention of going back to your ex, Davi, but don’t forget that she’s
still not your ex-wife. She’s still very much your wife -- in the present.

it's time to get divorced

How should you deal with this situation? Well, if you want to deal with it, you have to start by
divorcing your wife. Until you do, you can’t move forward at all. Chances are that by the time
you and your wife settle all outstanding matters in a court of law, Danya will be long gone,
probably back to her hometown. And if she’s smart, to a single guy.

Remember, guys: If you’re married and want to date another girl, it’s a waste of time.
Doc Love: Yelling At Your Live-In Girlfriend

Hey Doc,

I read your articles for the first two or three months I dated my current girlfriend, Keri, then I
stopped. We’ve been together for a year now. Everything was great until last Thursday night.
I worked late and she went out after work with coworkers. I had a few drinks on my own and
went home. I always let Keri do her own thing, and I don’t bother her with text messages and
phone calls. Around one in the morning, I got a call from her that she needed a ride. She was
completely hammered and at the apartment of a male coworker. Now, Keri has a ton of guy
friends, but I’ve seen this particular coworker giving her the eye before. Like an idiot, I
yelled at her. The next night she went out for drinks with the same guy. I got drunk and
yelled at her again.

there's a wall between us

Doc, I don't know if Keri cheated on me, but I know that I have seriously injured our
relationship. There's been a palpable wall between us since these incidents. It has eased a little
more each day, but I feel I might be losing Keri. Any coaching you can give me would be
much appreciated. I am now questioning everything I do around Keri, and it shows. I feel like
I’ve lost my edge.

There is one more complication, Doc. Keri and I just started living together about a month
ago. I think we both need space, but it’s hard to have when you’re living in the same
apartment. But I also don't want to look like I don't care. Thank you for anything you can say
to me.

Marvel - who’s afraid of losing her

doc love's answer

Hi Marvel,

Before we go into your problem with Keri, I want to say something. You read my articles for
the first two or three months you were with your girlfriend and then you stopped, which
means you never invested in “The System.” And presumably, my principles helped you to get
this girl, right? Now you’re coming to me with a problem. Apparently, you don’t recognize
the lack of logic in your thinking. If you’d invested in my program, you wouldn’t be writing
me this letter now and you would not be in this predicament. Like my Uncle Jethro Love
says: “Thank god you ain’t thinkin’ for a livin’, boy!”

That said, it’s great that you don’t bug Keri with text messages and phone calls. You
shouldn’t be trying to dominate a woman, just the same, as I don’t want women dominating
men -- which, sadly, is usually the case. So, congratulations on showing some Self-Control.
Unfortunately, you forgot to keep practicing it.

fool me once...
Now let me get this straight. Your girlfriend is drunk, she needs a ride home, and you yelled
at her? Dude, this is what I call lack of Self-Control, which is one-third of Control in my
course, which you would have had if you’d invested in it and memorized it. What you should
have done instead of losing it with Keri was kept your mouth shut, given her a ride home and
figured out the details of what happened that night later on. In other words, you should have
kept your head -- and kept your mouth shut.

The same thing happened the very next night. Now you have to figure out whether Keri is
going out with this other guy to rub it in your face, or is she going out with him because she
really likes him? But instead of getting to the heart of the matter, what did you do? You just
went and repeated your first mistake. Again, a total lack of Self-Control.

Doc Love tries to sort our Marvel's predicament, but he's got himself in real deep because he
does more than just yell at his live-in girlfriend...

alcohol breeds uncertainty

And by the way, Marvel, in case you haven’t noticed, you and Keri may have drinking
problems. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “My son, both of you should be looking into
some self-help.”

You came down hard on this girl when you really didn’t know 100% for sure that she played
around with this other guy, and that’s your biggest problem here. You jumped the gun, you
yelled not just once but twice, and then you went and swilled some more alcohol when the
earlier problems were caused by involvement with alcohol. What sense does that make,
buddy?

Of course there’s a cement wall between you and Keri on account of these nasty incidents.
Because if she hasn’t been cheating with this coworker and she has no interest in him
romantically, you were dead wrong to fly off the handle like you did. Like my cousin General
Love says: “That’s where your lack of Self-Control has really gotten you into deep water,
soldier.”

you've lost your edge

Yes, you are losing Keri. She has resentment toward you. On the other hand, if she does
have romantic feelings for this other guy, she’s just looking for an excuse to get rid of you.
And what does she do? After the first scene with you, she goes back out with the same guy
the next night and does exactly the same thing. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says:
“Now
we’re talking about viciousness.” And what does that tell you? You have lost your edge, my
friend. And Keri’s Interest Level is no longer in the 90s.

Now it turns out that you and Keri are living together. So you’re yelling at your roommate.
Oh, this is just great! In order to have any chance of salvaging this mess, what you’re going
to have to do is keep everything fun and light for starters. Then you’re going to have to sit
down and tell Keri: “Listen, if we’re going to make this work, we may have to stop drinking.
We’re overdoing it.” To you Psych majors, it’s OK to have one or two drinks, but if you’re
having more than two drinks a night or you’re drinking every day., you’re on the road to
having a full-blown problem.

drinking only clouds your vision

One more thing, Marvel: When there's a problem with alcohol, clear thinking often goes
straight out the window. So neither Keri nor you know what you’re doing in this situation
because your thoughts and actions are clouded by booze.

Remember, guys: If you both drink too much, you’re not going to have a good relationship.

Doc Love: When Your Woman Is A Mistress

Hey Doc,

I’ll cut straight to the chase here. Can a woman be in love with two men?

I am a dedicated student of your course, and I understand that love is to be measured in terms
of Interest Level, 0% to 100%. Your teachings have landed me, and are allowing me to keep,
a woman with an Interest Level above 80%. Jessica gets an A in Flexibility and an A in
Giving, but in the area of Integrity she’s not so stellar.

he offered to live a double life

The situation involves her ex. Brent was married and cheating on his wife, Mary, when
Jessica saw him regularly for two years before we met. Brent told Jessica that he would never
leave his wife, but he offered to be the father of Jessica’s children and live a double life with
her. Jessica declined. She says she stopped seeing him after only our third date because she
felt I could be the one for her to marry. She says she has not seen Brent at all since she broke
up with him two and a half years ago.

she still talks to her married ex

Anyway, Jessica and I married six months ago. Here’s the issue: She talks to Brent on the
phone every month now. I found this out by accident. When I brought it up to her, she denied
talking to Brent until I told her I knew with 100% certainty that she was regularly talking to
him. She claims that she loves me much more than Brent, and that I’m the only one she would
ever marry. She promised that she would no longer talk to him because it will hurt our
marriage.

So, Doc, here’s my question: Can a woman have high Interest Level in both her husband and
another man? Is this maybe the answer to the whole ex dilemma?

Dexter - who’s looking forward to hearing the truth about his woman, the mistress.

doc love’s answer

Hi Dexter,

Sure, a woman can be in love with two men. That is, if her Interest Level is only 55% in both
of them. But it is impossible to have 95% Interest Level in two guys at the same time. That’s
simple arithmetic, my friend.

integrity above all else

In “The System” I tell you guys that any babe you’re with has to score a solid A in Integrity.
She can get Bs and Cs in Flexibility and Giving, but there’s no wiggle room when it comes to
Integrity. Without Integrity, you are looking at a life of torture if you marry the girl. So you
might think you’re a dedicated student, Dexter, but you missed a massive, major point in your
studies.

Now let me get this straight. What you’re telling me here is that your wife dated a married
man. If your wife dated a married man, she has no Integrity. That’s all there is to it. Why
would you go and marry a woman who dates married men? This is your problem right here,
Dexter, not that a woman might be in love with two different men. Your problem is simply
that you overlooked all-important Integrity when it came to your wife. To you Psych majors:
You don’t want to get involved with a woman who dates married men, because that very fact
tells you something about her character. And like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “And what it
tells you ain’t good!”

When your woman is a mistress, Doc Love has some hard words to for you…

he offered to screw up kids

But let’s be fair. To Brent’s credit, he did offer to father her children and live a double life
with her. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says: “Now that’s what I call a real nice guy.”
It’s great that Jessica thought you were the one she should marry -- if she had stuck with what
she said. But she didn’t, did she? When you caught Jessica red-handed talking to her ex, she
lied right to your face. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “Looks like you got
yourself a good woman there, dawg!” And the saddest thing of all is that you had two and a
half years to evaluate her and you still went ahead and married her anyway. In the end,
everything goes back to one unavoidable fact: she dated a married man.

she’ll have the hubby with a side of philanderer

Jessica claims that she loves you much more than Brent? What’s the matter with you, Dexter?
She shouldn’t love him at all. Why would you marry a woman who loves another guy even a
little bit? Sure, you’re the only guy she would have married -- as long as she could keep
another guy on the side. She married you because you were dumb enough to do it. The other
guy wasn’t so dumb, have you noticed?

I want Jessica to not want to talk to her ex because it will hurt your marriage, not because
you’re giving her an ultimatum or you have to tell her not to talk to him. Like my cousin Sal
“The Fish” Love says: “If she had any class, she’d want to do it on her own.”

To answer your question: No, a woman can’t have high Interest Level in two men. Like I said
at the beginning, she can only have low Interest Level in both of them. And the ex situation
has nothing to do with any of this. Your wife dated a married man. When you found this out,
right then and there you should have passed on her. And that’s your big error.

dude, she’s lied to you since the beginning

Dexter, you’re trying to rationalize Jessica’s behavior by bringing up the question of whether
a woman can love two men at the same time. It’s a not an issue in this case. You went out
with your wife for two and a half years, the other guy was allegedly out of the picture for all
that time and now she’s suddenly making phone calls to him? Why is she talking to an ex at
all? I’ll tell you why: because she has no Integrity. I can’t say it enough times. This is another
great example of how men will rationalize anything and everything when they want to keep a
woman who is no good.

Remember, guys: When a woman dates a married man, you should never have anything to do
with her -- ever.

Doc Love: Take It Slow

Hey Doc,
I’ve been reading your columns for a couple of years and I have a question: I’ve been dating
Jill and I’m completely and utterly interested in her. She is smart, funny, a deep thinker, and a
philosopher; she stimulates my mind more than anything, and I dig that about her. She had
been pursuing me and flirting with me constantly before I finally asked her out. On our first
date we spent all day together walking the streets of Manhattan, laughing, flirting, and at the
end of the night when we said goodbye, she leaned in and kissed me. It was passionate,
sensual and sexy.

why has her interest level dropped?

Anyway, we’d been dating for about three weeks, talking and texting on the phone every day,
and then it slowly stopped. We used to talk on the phone for several hours, but now the
conversations are down to 20 minutes. She used to text me and ask me about my day, but
now she doesn’t even return my texts. She used to tell me that we could go out on a date
whenever I had time, but now she says she doesn’t know when she will have the time to go
out.

I decided to give Jill a call and ask her why she was being so distant. I told her how
incredible I thought she was, how much I respected her mind and how great it was to spend
time with her. She responded that she felt the same way, but told me that she wasn’t ready to
have a man in her life. She said she wanted to focus 100% of her time on her career, and that
the two or three hours we spent on the phone were incredible and magical, but it was two or
three hours she could use to do her work. I told her I understood, and that all I wanted was to
be there for her and give her space. I added that I would wait on the sidelines and she told me
that she just wanted to be alone, without a man waiting for her. She said that I would be a
distraction.

She also said that it was the first time in her life that she wasn’t in a relationship and that she
was finally independent and wanted to see what that was like. When I told her that I had been
there and done that, and that I felt it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, she said she
understood but that she still wanted to experience it for herself.

how can I win her back?

I know that Jill likes me, but her career is No. 1, 2, 3, and 4 in her life. Doc, I want to know
what I can do to not miss out on the opportunity that Jill gave me, and then suddenly snatched
away. She is an incredible woman and certainly worth fighting for, even if the person I’m
fighting with is her.

Finally, I offered Jill my friendship and told her I would rather be her friend and talk with her
than try to be her boyfriend and lose her. I don’t know if that was a mistake, but she
answered pretty coldly and vaguely. How can I win Jill back? What is the best course of
action for me?

Jango - who’s been beaten out by Jill’s career

doc love’s answer
Hi Jango,

You’ve been reading my columns for a couple of years now -- which means you’ve taken in
104 of them -- but you still haven’t invested in “The System.” Why didn’t you get a hold of
my materials and memorize them when it was still early enough to head off your problem?
You waited too long to take meaningful action. Now you have major headaches, and it didn’t
have to be that way, my friend.

I have no doubt whatsoever that you’re completely and utterly interested in Jill. But you never
mention her Interest Level in you. Isn’t that amazing? Again, you don’t have my course
materials, so you’re like a boat drifting without an anchor. What are you waiting for, pal? Are
you waiting for the boat to sink?

I don’t care about any of Jill’s wonderful character traits. I don’t care if she’s a champion
skydiver or a Nobel Prize winner. All I care about is how much Jill loves you. Does she? You
give no indication of it whatsoever, and her actions don’t either.

Doc Love explains why you must take it slow in order to maintain her Interest Level next...

no strategy, no game
It does seem you were a Challenge to Jill at first when you had her chasing you, though. So
what happened? Again, you were unable to keep the momentum going because you had no
strategy. And the only true strategy for dealing with women is “The System.”

You were texting and talking on the phone with Jill for the first three weeks you dated her?
Jango, why were you giving away the store? Why were you rushing into something with this
girl before you had a beachhead? You murdered Challenge by throwing yourself at this girl.

slow and easy

I’ve told you guys a million times that you have to take it slow and easy when you’re dealing
with women. Talking on the phone for hours with Jill was not taking it slow and easy. And it
was also a key telephone blunder. The phone is for getting dates; it’s not for talking. To you
Psych majors: When you act like this, all you’re doing is rushing into rejection. You just can’t
wait to spend a million hours with her so that she burns out on you.

Now Jill won’t return your texts. When a girl doesn’t return your texts, you have to drop her.
And by the way, you shouldn’t be texting in the first place. When a girl asks if you text, tell
her no. Texting is an anti-Challenge activity. Not only won’t Jill text you, she won’t go out
with you either. When a woman says she doesn’t have time to go out with you, her Interest
Level is in the 40s -- if you’re lucky.

But you didn’t read any of the signals you were getting loud and clear. You called Jill and
asked what was wrong. In other words, you kissed up to her when her Interest Level was in
free fall. But she does think you’re fantastic, even if she doesn’t want a man in her life. Heck,
that’s not a contradiction at all!

What bothers me about Jill telling you that she should have spent her time working instead of
with you is not that she’s lying, but that she thinks you’re stupid enough to believe it. Do you,
Jango?

stop kissing up to her

When you said that you wanted to be there for Jill and give her all of the space she needs,
were you on your knees at the time? And when you say something like “I’ll wait on the
sidelines,” does that sound like a confident man to you? Well, guy, I see that the 104 articles
you read really sunk in. Jill dated you for three weeks and now she says she doesn’t want a
relationship? Gosh, Jango, you really have this girl mixed up with someone who cares.

However, in the end, despite all of the evidence to the contrary, you’re convinced that Jill
likes you. After all the things she’s been telling you (and she’s been telling you indirectly to
get lost), you say that you know she digs you. And you read over 100 of my articles. Like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Man, you really have to lay off the vino.”

move on, buddy

Nevertheless, you insist that Jill gave you an opportunity. Dude, she gave you nothing. Her
Interest Level is in the 30s. That means you’re out . You’re gone. Once Interest Level drops
from 51% to 49%, you’re history. What does Jill have to tell you before you get the message?
Does she have to say: “I never want to see you again?” Does she have to tell you that her
Interest Level is in the toilet? Does she have to tell you that she’s seeing another guy? Your
problem, Jango, is that you have 100% Interest Level and Jill has 39% Interest Level. You’re
not seeing Reality at all.

Still, you want to fight for her. Like my cousin General Love says: “There’s nothing to
fight for. The war is over and you’re the loser.” Jango, you can’t fight to raise Interest
Level. Are you sure you haven’t been reading the articles of another love doctor?

You don’t know if it was a mistake to offer to be friends with Jill? It was a huge mistake!
When you do something like that, you come off as a wimp and you’re begging for the woman
to like you. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “This is shameful behavior, my son.”

You can never win Jill back. And here’s the saddest part: You’re going to do the same
thing with the next girl you date. You’re going to be a wimp and you’re going to give away
the
store too soon again. You’re going to make all of the same mistakes again until you memorize
my materials.

There’s only one course of action for you now: Invest in my materials.

Remember, guys: If you go in fast, you go out fast.

Doc Love: Revealing Too Much

Hey Doc,

I’ve had your book for five years now. First, I want to say that every single word in it is true.
I’ve seen your coaching work time and again. It’s the best $100 I’ve ever spent. However, I
think I may be one of those guys who just can’t be “fixed.” After reading (and almost having
memorized) “The System,” I’ve realized how women make their romantic choices. And as
much as your book is correct, and I agree with the facts in it, it literally makes me sick to
realize that a woman won’t ever love you for who you are, but she will love you just for the
way you act. This has made me lose some of my interest in women in general. Call me naive,
but I think you can’t absolutely always keep your guard up. So, sooner or later the woman
will see you for who you really are (a good guy who genuinely loves her) and she'll lose her
Interest Level in you.

she tested me
Anyway, I began a relationship with Crystal who has lots of emotional baggage from her
family and past bad relationships. She is gorgeous and had a 90% Interest Level in me when
we started out. She was sweet and serene and would not ever play games, test me, flirt with
other guys, etc. Everything was good until today, when out of the blue she made a statement
about how she had spent the day with two “friends,” one a writer, the other a musician, and
engaged in some social activities with them. I didn’t like it, but didn’t say anything until later
when she admitted she said it to literally see how I felt about it (in other words, to make me
jealous and show that I care about her). She said she did it because I was sending her “mixed
signals.” That’s when I told her how much I was in love with her.

I’ve come to realize that Crystal is a woman, and just like a woman she will test me, and that
if I pledge everlasting love to her she will lose respect for me. I feel I’ve made a huge
mistake by starting to care about her. What’s worse is that my cards are all on the table. She
knows exactly how I feel about her. Ever since I opened up, I can literally feel her Interest
Level dropping slowly but surely into the mid-60s. My question is: What can I do now? I
really care about the girl, she knows it, and I don’t know if I can make myself a Challenge to
her anymore. Dumping her is not an option at this time, but I’ll have to resort to it if her
Interest
Level keeps fading away. It has really made me angry that I’ve managed to lower her
interest so much just by being honest and caring.

Archie - who feels like giving up on love altogether

doc love's answer

Hi Archie,

Let me explain something to you first. “Who” you are is made up of a whole pile of good
and bad things. What I tell you guys is simply this: Don't talk about the bad things. That’s
all.
Don’t verbalize your weaknesses. Now I’m not trying to make a phony out of you, but I
want you to put your best foot forward. To you Psych majors: Society treats you depending
on the way you act. If you’re dying to rob a bank and you don’t do it, you’re not going to
jail. But if you act on that desire, you’re going to find yourself in the slammer. So actions are
character.

you want her to be a man

Archie, the reason you’re losing interest in women is that you want them to be like men,
that’s your problem. But women are like cats and men are like dogs. Like my Uncle Jethro
Love says: “Dogs don’t purr and cats don’t growl.” But you don’t want to accept the fact that
women are completely different from men and that they have different standards when it
comes to romantic love. That’s the part that you don’t get and that you don’t want to buy into.

I also don’t say that you have to keep your guard up. What I am saying is that when you
talk to your mother, or a priest, or a police officer, you talk to them all in different ways.
You’re being yourself, but I bet the conversations aren’t the same.

You can be in love with a woman and she can see you for who you really are as long as you
don’t verbalize it. If you’re with her all the time, you don’t see anybody else, you bring her
flowers and candy, and you treat her like a million dollars -- it shows you love her. But,
Archie, you’re dying to tell her. So I’m just saying don’t verbalize it. You can tell your dog
you love her, but not your pussycat.

Doc Love continues to explain why revealing too much will always lower her Interest Level...

say no to baggage
There’s something else involved here. If Crystal has a lot of emotional baggage, she’s a loser.
So right off the bat you have a big problem. Why are you with this girl in the first place? “The
System” says don't date girls with emotional baggage. So, she should have been out. And
you’ve been studying my course for five years and think it’s the truth? Well, it is, but you’re
not acting on it.
What you should have said when Crystal laid this thing about her extracurricular activities on
you was: “Honey, I’m glad you had a good time with those two guys.” When she mentioned
your mixed signals, you should have said: "Tell me specifically what the mixed signals are
and I’ll be happy to clear it up for you because I don’t want you getting mixed up on mixed-
up signals." But what you did instead was blab your guts out. I tell you 50 times in “The
System” that you should never tell the woman you love her. And you coughed it up. Bad
move, Archie.

too many cards on the table, dude

It’s true that if you pledge everlasting love to a babe, she will lose respect for you. So what’s
wrong with that? It happens to be the truth! It wasn’t a mistake to start to care about Crystal,
but you shouldn’t have mouthed it. Your cards are all over the table because you have a big
mouth and you went against my techniques. So whose fault is it that Crystal knows exactly
how you feel about her?

I have to say that you did learn something if you can feel Crystal’s Interest Level slipping.
What can you do now? Go back and memorize the Dating Dictionary. You said it was almost
memorized, but by your own admission it’s not. If it were memorized, you wouldn’t be in
this mess to begin with. For one thing you wouldn’t have a psycho girl on your hands, and
you sure as heck wouldn’t be down on your knees telling her how much you adore her.

big mouth = no girl

You can’t make yourself a Challenge now, Archie, because it’s too late. Like the old Chinese
saying goes: “A slip of a lip can sink a ship, grasshopper.” It’s over with this babe. And you
don’t have the option of dumping her because her Interest Level is already on the southbound
train. When it hits 49%, you’re out. And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “You have
no control over this relationship because you have a big mouth.”

One final thing: You haven’t been honest and caring with Crystal, pal. You’ve been open
and caring. There’s a big difference between being honest and being open. Like my cousin
Rabbi Love says: “When you keep your mouth shut, you’re not being dishonest.”

Remember, guys: Unless you do everything I tell you, you don’t have a chance.

Doc Love: Second Chances

Hey Doc,

I’m sure you’re extremely busy, but I need your coaching.

I have “The System” but, unfortunately, I did not apply the techniques. Shannon and I met at
a time when I had just gotten dumped by a girl I still had feelings for and when I wasn’t
ready to date, despite the fact that Shannon had everything I ever wanted in a girl. Also,
Shannon had just broken up with her boyfriend of three years. Shannon really liked me and
confessed she had a crush on me for a year before I even knew who she was.

jumping in too soon?

Anyhow, we started dating; however, I told Shannon that it was not monogamous and that I
thought it was too soon for her to jump into another relationship (and that the same applied to
me). Nonetheless, we became very close, but then my ex reappeared and I started seeing her
as well. Shannon found out that I was seeing other women and distanced herself from me. We
ended our romantic relationship and became just friends; she started seeing someone else.

Once I realized that it would not work between my ex and me, I tried to win Shannon back,
but that didn’t work either. A few months later I bumped into Shannon and, instantly, all of
my feelings for her came back. I regretted that I cheated on her and wanted to make it right. I
apologized and opened up to her. She basically said that her feelings were entirely gone and
that she only wanted a friendship with me. I let her go and did not contact her anymore.

confusion means low interest level

We’ve had sporadic contact since then, and this past Saturday Shannon invited me for coffee.
She said that she likes me but is confused, and that her ex took so much out of her that she’s
not ready for a boyfriend; the thought of a relationship makes her cringe. She said that I don’t
have a second chance, but that I could “earn” one. Doc, I get the vibe that she’s lost her
interest in me and that I’m too available.

Shannon said that maybe in the future there could be a her and me -- you know the things
women say -- but that it was basically to not burn her bridges. You always say that once it’s
gone, there’s no going back -- but I think Shannon’s the one for me. Is the dynamic different
since I’m the one who destroyed the relationship? She even says that the fact that I had such
low Interest Level in the beginning put her off. Now the roles have reversed. Any insight
would help. Thanks.

Ichiro - who probably blew it but wonders about second chances

doc love's answer

Hi Ichiro,

It’s sad that you didn’t apply my techniques to your dating dilemmas. In other words, you
gave me money to coach you to do the right things, but what you did instead were all the
wrong things -- as in, the things you’ve been doing all along anyway that have made you a
flop with women. Hey, makes a lot of sense to me.

So Shannon had a crush on you for a whole year going in? In other words, before you even
had a date with her she dug you from a distance; so, hopefully you would have used all that
credit to your advantage. Did you? No. You went and told her right off the bat that your
relationship was not monogamous. Huh? Why would you bring up a serious subject? Why
did you tell this girl anything negative? Your job is to raise her Interest Level, not have
serious talks about monogamy. To you Psych majors: Having heavy-duty talks about not
being faithful does not raise Interest Level. There’s no joke or anything lighthearted in that
discussion.

Doc Love breaks down why second chances should be avoided at all costs next...

moving too quickly

How can you say what’s too soon for either of you? You’re complete strangers, pal. You
don’t even know each other. So, you jumped the gun -- and you shouldn’t be jumping into
anything. You should have just gone out with Shannon to see whether you could raise her
Interest Level and find out about her Attitude.

Instead, you started seeing your ex. So now you’re cheating on your new girlfriend?
Ichiro, you don’t do that. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “If you want to see your old
girlfriend, you’re not ready for a new one.”

Shannon should have distanced herself from you when she found out you were cheating on
her. And when you ended your relationship with her and she started seeing someone else, you
were out forever.

Of course getting Shannon back didn’t work. It never works. It’s not supposed to work. Ichiro,
you broke this girl’s heart. Why should she come back?

When you bumped into her again I’m sure all of your feelings came flooding back. But you
don’t mention anything whatsoever about Shannon’s feelings flooding back. Dude, her
feelings are the only ones that count. But it looks like you didn’t get that far in my program.

staying friends with an ex

Now let me tell you something about the word “friendship": Nobody stays friends with his ex.
At best, they stay “friendly.” If you see your ex on the street, you might talk for a minute or
two, then you’ll keep walking and that’s the end of it. You’re not going to date, you’re not
going to have coffee, you’re not going to call her once a week -- which is what real friends
do. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “You’re lucky if you have one or two true
friends in your whole life.” Yet everyone throws the word “friendship” around like a beach
ball.
If the thought of a relationship makes this girl cringe, what do you think her Interest Level is -
- especially in you? This whole thing about a second chance is a waste of time, my friend.
It’s a contradiction. You don’t have a second chance, so how can you ever earn one? Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “That’s like saying two and two equals four
most of the time.” But you think she’s lost her Interest Level and you’re too available.
Apparently you did read a couple of pages of the Dating Dictionary.

It doesn’t matter who destroyed the relationship between you and Shannon. The point is that
it’s over. And by the way, your low Interest Level in the beginning didn’t really put Shannon
off. She had a boyfriend at the time. She was on the sidelines watching you for a whole year
while she was with that guy. When her boyfriend was on the way out in the third year, that’s
when she got a crush on you. She went out with you when you were ready to go out. So
despite of her negative utterances, she liked you. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “You can’t
believe everything they tell you.”

Remember, guys: You get one shot per girl per lifetime.

Doc Love: Keep Her Around

Hey Doc,

I recently picked up a copy of “The System.” But I have a situation on my hands and I could
really use some coaching.

Tessa and I have been friends for a long time. We both come from small towns. She and I are
the same age and have a lot of mutual friends. We’ve always been very flirty with each other,
but for the most part we have always been just friends. We grew apart during our college
years, and then she spent a few years traveling the world. Now she’s through traveling and
she’s landed a nice job back home.

I first ran into Tessa again a few weeks ago. We picked up right where we left off with the
flirting, but now it’s gone to a new level. Doc, I really like this girl. She’s smarter and
prettier than ever and we get along great. She definitely has high Interest in me. She invited
me on a few unofficial dates that I declined. These were perfect opportunities for us to make
the switch from being friends to being more than friends. Since I declined, I’m pretty sure
her Interest Level has only gone up.

Getting the girl is not my problem now thanks to your program. I know what I have to do.
My problem is that I’m not ready for a girlfriend! My friends and I are going on spring break
in Florida in a few months. So while I really like Tessa, I think I shouldn’t start anything with
her right now. I’ve been in a similar situation before and it didn’t work out well.
Today, Tessa asked me if I wanted to go out for a drink tomorrow night. I told her I was busy,
so she asked me to go out another night. I told her I would get back to her.

Doc, how do I play this out? If I keep declining these dates, am I going to give Tessa the
impression that I’m not interested in her? How do I keep her Interest Level up so that I can
start something with her after spring break? Or, do I just go for it now and deal with the
spring break issue when it comes up? Thanks!

Danilo - who wonders if keeping her around is a waste of time

Hi Danilo,

The thing that’s really curious about your situation is that you never once asked Tessa out in
all the years you knew her. If you had a high Interest Level in this girl, you would have asked
her out long ago. So why didn’t you? You have to ask yourself this question before you can
finally figure out what to do, pal. What your inaction regarding Tessa is telling me is that you
don’t have a high Interest Level in her.

When Tessa asked you out, you should have accepted the dates and made them “official.”
Why didn’t you take the opportunity to make your relationship into something more than
“just friends?” You could have used the dates to find out whether there was anything more to
your interaction with Tessa than endless flirting that goes nowhere.

So, at this point you turned Tessa down twice. To you Psych majors: It’s one thing to turn a
girl down once, but when you turn her down twice you’re no longer working Challenge --
you’re telling her that you don’t like her.
Now, wait a minute here. You haven’t even taken this girl out once and you’re telling
yourself that you’re not ready for a girlfriend? How do you know for sure if you haven’t even
tried?
And here’s something else: Maybe Tessa would go out with you once or twice on an official
date, find out that she doesn’t care for you as a boyfriend, and prefers to keep things on a “
just friends” level -- did you ever think of that?

But you did nothing whatsoever and now Tessa’s asked you out again a couple of times,
which makes four times that she’s invited you out. Know what your problem is, Danilo? You
don’t dig this girl. You dig her high Interest Level in you, but you actually don’t like her --
romantically. Anytime a girl asks you out four times and you decline, you don’t have a high
Interest Level in her.

So, you can’t play this out with Tessa because you don’t like her. Forget all this stuff about
spring break. The simple truth of the matter is that you don’t dig this girl and you don’t want
to go out with her. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “If you had any real
interest in this babe, you wouldn’t even be thinking about spring break!” And from what
you’re telling me, Danilo, you don’t want to even give yourself the chance to see whether you
could have a high Interest Level in her. So you’re rationalizing here, buddy. Like my cousin
Rabbi Love says: “This whole spring break issue is nothing but a smokescreen for your lack
of real feelings.”
Do I think you’ll give Tessa the impression that you don’t like her? You’ve already given her
that impression! And why do you care about her Interest Level being high when you don’t
care about her? Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “You’re just using this girl’s attention
to stroke your own ego.”

The truth of the matter is that if you really dug Tessa, you could deal with the spring break
issue when it came up. But you don’t, so there’s no point in even putting yourself through this
meaningless debate. Know where your Interest Level really is, Danilo? With the girls on the
beach in Florida. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “What you really care about is all
those drunk babes running around in skimpy bikinis.”

I’m not saying you’re doing anything wrong, guy. But you’re not copping to the fact that you
never really wanted to go out with Tessa in the first place.

Remember, guys: If you’re not interested in a girl, don’t waste her time.

Doc Love: Long-Distance Dating

Hey Doc,

I’m an owner and follower of “The System." I started seeing Chantelle about eight months
ago, and I know from your book that long-distance relationships never work. However,
because of the economy (I got laid off) I had to move back to my mom’s house, and Chantelle
and I could only see each other about once a month. Before I left, she told me she still wanted
to work it out; we decided to continue with our relationship. Knowing that long-distance
dating doesn’t work, I told her that if we weren’t reunited within six months that we would
have to call it off no matter how we felt about each other at that time.

Well, this ultimatum seemed to have brought Chantelle even closer to me, and she said that
she would move in with me wherever I find a job after the six months. I told her that would
be OK as long as she has a “plan” for what to do with herself. (Doc, Chantelle hasn’t started
going to college yet and she’s 24.)

Now Chantelle is saying that she is going to go to college and that she hasn’t written off
moving in with me, but that it might have to be postponed. The semester will not be over until
several months down the line, and the end of the six-month period I proposed is due much
sooner.

Doc, what should I do now? This girl is an awesome flexible Giver and I don’t want to lose
her. Thanks for your coaching and insight.
Butch - who’s painted himself into a corner

Hi Butch,

You have two huge things working against you straight out of the gate. First of all, you’re
out of work. Now let me assure you that I sympathize with your situation. These days it’s
tough out there, but like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Dude, you can’t
work women when you’re broke.” To you Psych majors: You have to have money in your
pockets if you’re going to date women or try and have a relationship with one. So, I hope
you’re out there looking for a job 10 hours a day because in the current job market you’re
going to have a hard time finding something. Second, as far as moving in with your mom is
concerned, there’s nothing wrong with that in itself, but you have to get out of there as soon
as possible. Trying to date when you’re sitting in your mom’s living room and broke is not
the most attractive proposition for any woman.

As far as seeing Chantelle once a month goes, it’s not going to work. You can’t see a girl
only once a month and expect to hold her Interest Level. It’s impossible, and I don’t care if
she lives right across the street.

Nevertheless, you gave this girl an ultimatum that if everything didn’t work out within six
months, it was all over. So here you are with absolutely no leverage in your life, and you’re
handing Chantelle deadlines and ultimatums. The problem isn’t that something has to happen
with her in six months, my friend, the problem is that something has to happen with you --
the sooner the better. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “My son, you should be giving
yourself an ultimatum, not your girlfriend.” Because you’re the one who lost his job, Butch.
You’re the one who’s living with his mother -- not Chantelle. You’re trying to put the onus of
all these problems on her instead of on yourself, which is where it belongs. It’s your
responsibility to get your life going in the right direction again, not hers. That’s why you
should have kept your mouth shut and not set this crazy deadline, which doesn’t do you any
good whatsoever.

Instead, you’re worried about whether Chantelle is going to attend college. But you should be
worried about your future, guy. You’re the one with the major issues here. Chantelle got
herself together and she’s going to college, so leave her alone. But you’re broke, you’re
mooching off your mom and you’re talking about living with a girl? Like my cousin Brother
Love down in Watts says: “That’s some stretch, dawg!” In other words, it’s completely
unrealistic, and my job is to help you face reality.

Since your hard six-month deadline conflicts with the end of Chantelle’s college semester,
that’s another reason you shouldn’t have given her any kind of ultimatum. What she does
with her life has absolutely nothing to do with this deadline of yours. And that’s why my
program says no ultimatums. You need to look at the Dating Dictionary again, buddy. And
again, remember to look at your own predicament before you harp on Chantelle’s: You’re
broke and living with your mom.
What should you do now? Well, you better hustle for a job and hope that Chantelle forgets all
about your six-month deadline and doesn’t decide to find someone else who isn’t so rigid
when he doesn’t have a leg to stand on -- like you. Like my cousin General Love says: “To
give an ultimatum when you have no power is the dumbest thing in the world.”

Good luck, Butch.

Remember, guys: The problem with ultimatums is that you can’t take them back.

Doc Love: Dating A Friend’s Ex

Hey Doc,

I recently got caught up in something and I need your coaching.

Basically, I don’t buy into this whole “don’t date your friend’s ex” thing. I think as long as
they are over and done with for good, the girl is fair game -- if she didn’t break my friend’s
heart by cheating on him.

Anyway, Jeff and I aren’t anything more than friends. We don’t call each other to hang out.
We do play together on two hockey teams, and that’s about it. Jeff went out with Ashley
for three years and they had their on-and-off moments during that time. Jeff cheated on
Ashley, she found out, and they have now been broken up for three months.

Jeff is dating another girl now, and last week I dated Ashley. I told Jeff about it straight up,
like a man. He flipped out, getting very angry with me and calling Ashley a tramp. Now it’s
not like Ashley and I went out to spite him or anything. We are merely two single people just
having fun. I don’t think Jeff should be all ticked off at me because he is the moron who
cheated on Ashley.

Anyway, Doc, what do you think? Am I a totally despicable friend because I don’t abide by
“the man law” (which is that you are not supposed to go out with a friend’s ex)? If I never
talk to Jeff again I really couldn’t care less, but I just want to know if I did something wrong.
Thanks!

Bam - who feels vaguely like a criminal because dating a friend’s ex might be wrong.

Hi Bam,

You might not buy into this “don’t date your friend’s ex” thing, but most guys do. I think it’s
great that you aren’t fettered by that rule, but to you Psych majors: 90% of the guys out there
don’t want to hear about their exes being with anybody they know -- friend or otherwise.

So, treating someone’s ex as fair game as long as she didn’t cheat on your friend is your rule,
pal. That’s the way you happen to look at things. You’re actually being very logical here, but
like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Romantic love is not logical. It’s highly illogical and
all emotion.”

Another problem with your philosophy in this situation is that you really don’t know why
Ashley and Jeff broke up or the circumstances of the breakup. And you don’t know whether
Jeff is still carrying a torch for this girl. But what you can be sure of is that no matter what
happened between these two, it’s likely that you’re treading on very volatile ground here --
whether or not you realize it.

Now as far as Jeff goes, it’s true that you’re really not friends. You’re just acquaintances.
You’re friendly, but like my cousin General Love says: “You’re not getting into a foxhole
together anytime soon.” A friend is someone you’ve known for a long time and that you hang
out with and call two or three times a week. Jeff is not that guy. You’re on a friendly basis,
you’re cordial, but you’re really nothing more than hockey teammates. But the problem still is
that Jeff knows you.

Now, who told you that Jeff cheated on Ashley? Did Jeff tell you himself? Or did Ashley tell
you? Who’s the source of information here, and what does the other person have to say about
it? Can you trust the source? These are very important questions, my friend. The vast majority
of the time women get rid of guys first or set it up so that the guy leaves. What if Ashley
accused Jeff of cheating on her and he really didn’t? What if Jeff was just talking to a girl and
she wrongly accused him because she was looking for an out and she wanted him to do her
dirty work? So you were stupid for telling Jeff about Ashley “straight up, like a man” because
you don’t have a clue what really transpired.

Here’s something else: You don’t know why Ashley went out with you. What if she went out
with you to spite Jeff because he did cheat on her but she has no real interest in you? She
might just have wanted to rub it in his face; did you think of that? I’ve got news for you -- it
happens.

So whose version of events are you going to believe? Did you see Jeff cheat on Ashley? Were
you there with a camera? Again, you really don’t know the facts.

Jeff went with this girl for three years -- a long, long time. What you should have said to
Ashley if you were going to see her was this: “Listen, I’m going out with you, but no way do
I want it getting back to Jeff.” You could have gone out with her two or three times, realized
that she was no good, and then just dropped her and Jeff would never have known a thing
about it. And you would have gotten rid of her and your teammate would have stayed happy
because he was blissfully ignorant of the truth. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says:
“Now you have to worry that this dude might swing a hockey stick at you in the parking lot.”
Since you opened your mouth, you can bet that Jeff doesn’t have your back anymore.

What do I think? Well, if Jeff was your best friend, I would say you did something wrong.
But you didn’t. The real problem is that he knows you, like I said. And like my cousin Fast
Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Guys are very strange when it comes to their exes.” And
the reaction could come down the road a piece. A guy could even say to you, “Sure, go out
with my ex, I don’t care,” and at the moment he might really mean it. But when he thinks
about it later and finds out you really did go out with her, he might flip out -- like Jeff did --
even
though it’s completely over between him and his ex. That’s the way most men are wired and
that’s how they react.

Remember, guys: be very, very careful about how you handle another guy’s ex.

Doc Love: When She’s Never Wrong

Hey Doc,

Rachel and I have been dating for about two years. We party and have a merry time, but
whenever we have an argument like all couples do, she always seems to have the upper hand.
We are both extremely prideful, but I will admit usually within an hour or so that I was wrong
or that at least her point has merit. When she is wrong though, it’s an entirely different matter.
In her mind she’s never wrong and she will never admit it if she is. She acts as if I know
nothing whatsoever and that not agreeing with her makes me an idiot. Sometimes in these
situations I will back down just to avoid a seemingly pointless argument over something that
will never happen again.
But the reason I’m writing is because I have hit a problem that is going to recur. Rachel can’t
drive. I have a scooter and she drives it in a very sloppy manner, such as stopping too late
and driving too fast. Driving is one of those things that people get very offended by when
they are called on their lack of skill. What’s not making it any better is that I took the
responsible measure of not allowing Rachel to drive anymore until she listened to me for
three minutes and at least promised that she would try to take it to heart.

Naturally, she’s never wrong and won’t listen to whatever words of wisdom I have to offer
when it was me who taught her to drive in the first place. I can usually get her to stop being
mad at me by ignoring her for a few days or grovelling for a few hours, but this is not how I
want our relationship to be anymore. Doc, how can I get Rachel to treat me as an equal?

Denny - who is sick and tired because she’s never wrong

Hi Denny,

First of all, let me straighten you out on something. All couples don’t argue. Ninety percent of
couples argue. Ten percent of all couples sit down calmly and discuss things rationally. And,
ironically, they have the healthiest relationships.

You tell me that both you and Rachel are prideful. But like my cousin Rabbi Love says:
“Pride is a fault, not a virtue.” Neither one of you should have so much pride. Why do either
you or Rachel cling to pride in a supposedly loving relationship?

Now, if Rachel is never wrong, are you really telling me that you want to live with her for the
next 50 years? You want to actually be with a person forever who will never admit that she’s
wrong? Can you imagine what that is going to do to your Interest Level? Lots of luck, Denny.
You’re going to need it, because you'll be trapped.
But the more disturbing point is this: You’ve already been going with this girl for two whole
years -- two whole years full of arguments and Mexican standoffs. If you had my program
and used it, you would have gotten rid of Rachel after five or six dates. Denny, you’re not
going to change this woman now. What you see is what you get. As Elvis Presley once said:
“Well, a hard-headed woman, a soft-hearted man, been the cause of trouble ever since the
world began.” And like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Elvis was right.”

You’re doing all the compromising here, pal. Rachel only does what is good for her. She
never thinks about what is good for the relationship. Like the great Doctor Freud once said:
“This woman has a psychological problem. Unless she’s in control, she will never be happy.”
And she’s not ever going to really be happy -- she just wants to be in control, because if she
gave in, you would love her more and she would be happier. But she’s too stupid to see that.
Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Your girlfriend is an idiot.”

The sloppy driving issue is not really the big problem here, buddy -- it’s actually trivial. What
you don’t understand is that the really big problem is going to recur, which is that Rachel is
never going to give in. You’re going to be married to her until you’re 85 years old and any
time a disagreement pops up it’s going to have to be her way or the highway. That’s the
problem here. And it’s a very tough one because it pollutes this woman’s entire personality.

If Rachel drives poorly, why not just tell her that she can’t use your vehicle again? Not
everyone gets offended when you call him or her on his or her lack of driving skill -- only
your girlfriend does. So don’t project and don’t rationalize the fact that Rachel is a jerk. And
why are you lecturing her? You just told me that she never listens to you. Are you nuts or
something?

Face reality. Your girlfriend is intransigent. She will never change. And you shouldn’t have
wasted two years with her. Why did it take you two whole years to figure this out? You
should have had my program, and, like I said, in five or six weeks you would have been out
of there.

Instead of ignoring Rachel for a few days, you should tell her to get lost for a month. Say to
her: “Get back to me in a month if you’re not going to learn to compromise. If you have to
win all the arguments, I don’t want to be with you.” Denny, you’ve been a wimp in this
relationship, and that’s why Rachel is steamrolling over you. When you say that you have to
grovel, right there you’re admitting that you’re a wuss.

How can you train Rachel to treat you as an equal? She’ll treat you as an equal as soon as you
get rid of her. Of course then she’ll be gone for good.

Remember, guys: if a woman never compromises, she will make you miserable over the long
haul.
Doc Love: She's Not Following The Rules

Hey Doc,

I’ve been dating Rachael for three and a half months now. I’ve read “The System” and have been
trying to be a Challenge, but Rachael just ignores me when I back off calling her. At first we
talked once a day and went on dates every other day. In our talks we would just ask each
other how the other’s day was. I’ve learned from your program that this was a mistake. Now I
only call her to schedule dates, but she seems to get upset that I don’t talk to her every day
anymore. She actually complained to one of my friends that I don’t talk to her enough and
only want to see her on certain days.

Rachael always touches me and I take this as a positive sign, but she never opens up to me
emotionally. After trying to be more of a Challenge to her I don’t feel like she is chasing me
any more than she did in the beginning. She lives about 100 yards away from me so it’s tough
for me to not see her every day, though I make sure not to.

I’m not sure why, but I just have a gut feeling that Rachael is not happy when I don’t call her
every day. When I invited her to eat dinner the other day she did not seem all that
enthusiastic. I don’t want to mess up with Rachael and I need your coaching. What should I
do? Should I keep on putting her off and seeing her only twice a week or should I see her
more often?

Rudolf - who is frustrated because she’s not following the rules

Hi Rudolf,

Know what, dude? Let Rachael ignore you when you don’t call her. It’s totally OK. You’re
only going to do what “The System” says you should do, and you’re not going to care what the girl
thinks or how she reacts. Like my cousin General Love says: “From now on you’re going to
act like a real man.”

The fact of the matter is that you are seeing Rachael too much. And now you’re trying to
break a pattern, and that’s the problem. To you Psych majors: Once you get a woman
accustomed to a certain behavior, it’s tough to undo. You have to turn the water down
slowly. You can’t just do a 180-degree turnaround and shut it off abruptly.

It’s very nice that you and Rachael ask each other how your days are. But you should be
doing it on the date, face-to-face, so Rachael can grab your hand and stroke your cheek and
you can see how bright her eyes are merely from being in her presence. The most important
thing is to grade her Interest Level, and you can only do that when you’re with her in the
flesh.

It’s not a federal violation if you don’t talk to Rachael every single day. Like my cousin
Brother Love down in Watts says: “You ain’t reportin’ to your parole officer, dawg.” So this
is the way it’s going to be. It’s fine to only see Rachael on certain days, and that’s exactly
what you’re going to do. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You’re
going
to get in line or she’s going to get in line.” In other words, Rudolf, you’re going to get trained
or Rachael’s going to get trained.

What do you mean by saying Rachael doesn’t open up to you emotionally? She’s opening up
by telling you she wants to be with you every five minutes. So, you’re contradicting yourself.
You’re actually contradicting yourself all over the place. This girl is reacting to your being a
Challenge by wanting to be with you all the time and wanting to talk to you constantly. But
she’s doing it in a passive-aggressive way, which you’re not going to fall for either. Like the
great Doctor Freud once said: “You deal with a passive-aggressive woman by not reacting.”

Guy, you have to practice Self-Control until Rachael says “I’m going to change” or she says
goodbye. Her choices are that she’s going to fall into line with what you want or she’s going
to leave you -- that’s it. Period. You’re not going to change. Don’t sweat it if she doesn’t
chase you any more than she did in the beginning. Just keep doing what you’re doing. Like
my Uncle Jethro Love says: “You’re not gonna give a hoot about the pussycat’s feelings.”

It’s good that you don’t see Rachael every day. You don’t want to be bumping into her all the
time as well as talking to her a couple of times a week. Again, it’s fine that Rachael isn’t
happy when you don’t call her every day. Pal, you’re not here to make her happy; you’re here
to raise Interest Level via Challenge.

When Rachael wasn’t enthusiastic about going out to dinner with you, you should have
withdrawn the offer. You should have said: “Honey, are you a little sick or down or
something? You don’t seem that happy about going out.” And then you should have said:
“Let’s do dinner some other time,” and then canceled the date. Like I said before, you’re
going to get her in line or you’re going to walk.

Rudolf, I hate to tell you this, but you’ve already messed up with Rachael. What we’re trying
to do now is clean up the mess. And that means you’re not going to sit on the phone with her
every day and you’re only going to see her twice a week. Most importantly, you’re going to
hold your ground.

Remember, guys: In every relationship, someone gets trained.

Doc Love: You're All-In, But She's Not

Hey Doc,

I hope you can be patient with me. I did everything wrong and I know it.

too much, too soon

I’m 28 and work with an amazing girl, Kelsey. From the very first moment I saw her I
thought she could be the one. I wanted to meet her like crazy but I didn’t go for it for two
reasons: First of all, because she is so beautiful that I wouldn’t even dream that a girl like her
would be available. Second, I’m not a fan of dating people I work with. But I really liked her!

One day, a few months after I first saw her, we talked on the phone for a business reason. The
talk was so warm that she invited me to her office for coffee. We met, and I could sense that
she liked me too. At that point we started talking via e-mail. Everything looked good so I
asked for her phone number and called her the same night. She started bombing me with calls.
She even asked if I was single.

two strikes and a base hit

A few days later, Kelsey said that she just came out of a five-year relationship. (She dumped
the guy.) She told me it was a bad period for her and she didn’t want to rush things, but she
liked me a lot and wanted to take it really slow. Over the following days I asked her twice to
go out, but she said it was too soon. I didn’t ask her again and suddenly, one night, she said
she wanted to see me the following day.

We went out for a drink and then she asked me to take her to the beach. I tried to kiss her but
she backed off. She told me that kissing me would make things more complicated because
then she would start to feel things for me. I told her no problem, take your time and perhaps
we can go out some other time if you want to. Then she grabbed me and kissed me and we
made out for hours. I left with the feeling that we finally made a start.

The next night, I was out with friends and sent Kelsey a couple of instant messages early in
the morning; she didn’t reply. The next morning Kelsey told me that she felt pressure. She
kissed me at the beach because she thought that she could overcome that feeling of pressure,
but it didn’t work out for her after all. She told me that at the moment she couldn’t offer
anything to me. All she wanted is to be with her friends and have fun. I told her that she can
have as much space and time as she wants, and that I like her so much I can wait for her to
clear her mind.

he’s all-in
We haven’t spoken for days since, apart from one time at work for business. I know I rushed
things a hell of a lot and revealed too much. I know that I probably did all the wrong things
because I'm stuck on her, but please coach me. My question is: What should I do now? I want
Kelsey. I am sure you think I’m an idiot, but Kelsey is the woman of my life. Her birthday is
next week. Should I give her a present? Send flowers? Thanks for any insight.

Shelton - who’s all-in, but she’s not

doc love’s answer

Hi Shelton,
When you do everything wrong and you know it, why don’t you slow down instead and do
everything right? If you have an opportunity with a girl, why don’t you practice Self-Control
and stop yourself from rushing headlong into rejection? Like the great Doctor Freud once
said: “It doesn’t make any sense to keep making the same mistakes over and over, does it?
That’s just crazy!”

Being all-in when she’s not is a problem that more guys than just Shelton encounter…

Dude, you don’t know that Kelsey is an amazing girl. She’s a complete stranger to you. You
know nothing whatsoever about her. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “For all you
know, she’s a serial killer.” And you might think she’s the one for you, but what does she
think?

no woman is that beautiful

If you thought that Kelsey was so beautiful that you couldn’t get her, then you’re underrating
yourself. If I trained you, you’d think that she was the lucky one to get you. It’s true that you
could lose your job over dating someone you work with, but the more important point here is
that you’re always talking about how much you like her and not at all about how much she
likes you. I’ve said a thousand times that it’s only the woman’s Interest Level that counts --
not yours.

It’s great that Kelsey invited you over for coffee because it indicated incoming interest.
But how could you “sense” that she liked you? What did she do that convinced you of this,
pal? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “Was it only a figment of your imagination, my
son?”

giving away the store

Instead of gabbing by e-mail, you should have disappeared instead. You’re on the friendship
path here, and you’re also giving away the store. Plus, from the beginning you admitted that
this was all a big mistake. So why don’t you abide by the rules of “The System"? It’s because your
Interest Level is in the stars and you can’t practice Self-Control. And that means you’re going
to lose. Like my cousin General Love says: “The soldier with the most Self-Control stays
alive and wins the war.”

Why did you call this girl the same night that you got her phone number? You’re supposed to
wait a week. Again, you have no Self-Control -- whatsoever.

Of course Kelsey dumped her ex. She’s beautiful, isn’t she? When she told you that she
wanted to take it slow, you should have listened to her. I’ve interviewed over 10,000 women
and their biggest complaint is that men push too hard. If they would just sit back, relax and go
in slowly things would work out a lot better. So when you asked Kelsey out and she said it
was too soon, you shouldn’t have pressed the issue. When you ask a girl out twice and she
refuses, it doesn’t matter if it’s too soon or too late or the moon is green -- it’s over. And
that’s it.

mauled at the beach

When Kelsey told you out of the blue that she wanted to see you, I know you didn’t say you
were busy because that would have been working Challenge and showed her that you were a
real man. Instead, you were mauling her at the beach. You don’t kiss a woman at the beach;
you kiss her at the doorstep when you drop her off.

When Kelsey told you that you were making things complicated, it was Womanese for:
“You’re rushing in way too fast!” But then you told her that you wanted to go out with her in
the future. Why are you talking about the future? This is one more anti-Challenge boner.
Have you ever read even one of my articles, ever, Shelton? Instead of making out with this
babe for hours, you should have pushed her away. You should have said: “Please, don’t kiss
me.
You’re pushing things too fast and I need my space and we have to go really slowly,” which
is what she had just told you.

You should never instant message a woman -- ever. Kelsey didn’t reply to your messages and
you asked her out twice, so you’re out. Again, you’re like a bull in the proverbial china shop,
buddy. Know why this girl felt pressure? Because you’re pushing too hard. And by the way,
if she’s experimenting with you to see if she’ll feel pressure, she’s a little loony!

if you love something, set it free…

What should you do now? Back off. No contact. Let Kelsey come at you. Do I think you’re
an idiot? Shelton, I don’t think you’re smart enough to be an idiot. Kelsey might be the
woman of your life, but are you the man of hers?

I think you should give her a new Mercedes for her birthday, guy. But seriously, you’re not
sending her any flowers because she’s not your girlfriend. You’re not sending her anything --
and that includes even a card.

Remember, guys: unless you practice Self-Control, you will never, ever be successful with
women.

Doc Love: Dealing With Rejection

Hey Doc,

I’ll cut to the chase. I got Amanda’s number, waited a week to call like “The System”
instructs, set up a date four days in advance and didn’t see or call her until then. Date night
came along and we went to a nice chill-out spot where we shot some pool, hung out and
drank. Amanda was giving me buying signals galore, touching, laughing, and her eyes were
lit up like a Christmas tree. She even had the audacity to give me a smack on the butt when it
was my turn to take a pool shot.

perfect use of doc love's rules

At the conclusion of the date, we walked back to the car and when I went to open her door,
boom, she grabbed me and went for the kiss. Like you say, Doc: “When they like you, they
let you know.” On the way back home, she said: “I’m not very tired. Can we go over to your
place and watch a movie or something?” The old me would have said: “Sure, why not? I’m
not doing anything.” However, “The System” teaches that you drive the woman to and from
one destination when you make these dates. And, also, even though I badly wanted to take her
to my place, I remember that one must have Self-Control and discipline, so I refrained. I said:
“You know, I have to get up early tomorrow to get some work done.”

getting rejected
Now this was where it got a little choppy. When I dropped her off at her apartment, I said:
“Let me walk you to your door.” She said: “No, I’m fine.” Then I hugged her and went for
the good night kiss, but she turned her face and gave me her cheek. (This was after she gave
me all those buying signals, which made me believe her Interest Level was as high up as
Mount Everest.) I was upset but held my composure. My question is this: Could Amanda’s
Interest Level have plummeted so fast? Did she throw a hissy fit because I turned her down
for a movie at my place? I’d really appreciate your insight on this scenario.

P.S. You’re the man, Doc. Oprah, Dr. Phil and all those “wannabe” love doctors can kick
rocks because you tell it like it is, no ifs, ands or buts about it. And that’s how it should be
told.

Trenton - who’s trying to be better than Doc Love, but won't be until he gets better at dealing
with rejection

doc love's answer

Hi Trenton,

It’s great that you made a date for four days after you called Amanda, but you might even
want to make the date five to eight days later. The longer you wait before that first date, the
more you’ll drive her crazy with anticipation. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East
L.A. says: “Never underestimate the power of Challenge.”

There’s no question that all of the buying signals Amanda was showing you were great. But
the more important question is this: Will she be doing the same thing after 10 to 12 dates?

Dealing with rejection can be tough and Doc Love is here to help...

guys don't get challenge

It’s likewise beautiful that you told Amanda you had to get work done when she came on to
you. Fewer than 90% of the guys out there could have done what you did. What’s worse is
that it would never even enter the minds of that same 90%. Trenton, most guys wouldn’t even
consider the possibility of doing what you did. Instead, they think: "Hey, she’s coming on to
me -- why not? But you still have to show Self-Control in the face of an onslaught of
incoming attention from a woman. And this is what the vast majority of men do not
understand about Challenge.

Now, where you went wrong with Amanda was when you didn’t kiss her at her front door.
You shouldn’t be kissing a girl in the street or leaning on the car. When Amanda said that you
didn’t have to escort her to her front door, you should have let her walk. But you didn’t. Your
Self-Control escaped you for the moment and you grabbed her and tried to kiss her instead.
You shouldn’t have done that. Like my cousin General Love says: “When you lose your self-
possession for even a few seconds, you lose ground.”

keeping your cool

I know that Amanda gave you all kinds of buying signals in the bar, but, like I said, it doesn’t
mean anything. For you Psych majors, until you get to 10 or 12 dates, nothing counts. But it’s
commendable that even though you were upset you held onto your composure and didn’t let
Amanda know she got to you. Your study of my material is serving you well, and once you
clear up some minor mistakes, you’re going to be on top of your game, guy.

Amanda’s Interest Level didn’t plummet fast, Trenton. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love
says: “The beer wore off, that’s all.” She might have been playing a game with you by paying
you back for not taking her up on her offer to go and hang at your place, but everything else
basically went great on your date. So wait another week, call her up, act like nothing
happened, and ask her out again. Then, if you make it to 10 or 12 dates and she’s still mauling
you, you’ll know where you really stand with this babe. So you have a way to go, my friend.

the long kiss goodnight

But remember: you kiss the girl at the front door. You don’t kiss her as you get out of the car
and you don’t smooch her in a public place. And if she wants to walk to the front door by
herself, that’s her prerogative. What you’re supposed to do is make sure she gets into her
house safely and that she’s securely inside before you drive off.

Remember, guys: at the end of the date, kiss her on her doorstep -- not anywhere else.
Doc Love: Final Decision

Hey Doc,

I’m 38 and dating two girls. Sheila is 22, goes to school and seems to have her life in order.
She’s really sweet, very cute and I’m flattered that she’s so interested in me. I dated her for
two months. We broke up because she wanted space and probably wanted to date another guy.
So I gave Sheila her space, but now she wants to give it a second chance.

The next day I met Morgan. She’s a 38-year-old, super-hot, long-legged blonde. I never had
much in common with girls my own age, but I had everything in common with Morgan. She
has her own business, is a single mom and is very romantic. I had a great time just hanging
out with her. She has a cool pad and car and everything! Her teenage daughter is cool, too.
But when I started hanging at her house, I saw that she has over 30 guys in her phone. It’s her
work phone, granted, but it bothered me. I dated Morgan for a month (27 days in a row). At
first she said she wanted me as a toy, but when I told her I wanted more, she started acting
domestic and sweet. I really wanted to get involved with her, but I kept thinking, what if
Sheila comes back? Morgan knew that Sheila was texting me but didn’t say anything except
for: “Why doesn’t Sheila know about me?” I told Morgan that Sheila was just a friend.

too much too soon?

After I introduced her to my mom, Morgan thought we were exclusive. We had a date that
night but Sheila called and wanted to see me. I made up an excuse (that a friend needed my
help) and canceled with Morgan. I got together with Sheila that night, and Morgan suspected
something, got upset and blew up my phone with text messages.

The next day, Morgan said my cancellation one hour before we were supposed to meet was
disrespectful and that she doesn’t want to be treated like that. I told her that she was
smothering me and had no right to get mad at me for canceling a date. I told her we shouldn’t
see each other anymore, but she asked me to give it a couple days because she really enjoyed
what we had and didn’t want to say goodbye.

Now, I really like Morgan, but the way I see it, any guy could have her and she could dump
me fast, as she likes being in control. But Sheila is 22 and I have her practically trained.

Doc, how do I make a decision? Thanks for your coaching.

Rex - who’s between a rock and a hard place

Discover how Doc Love helps Rex make his decision...

doc love's answer

Hi Rex,

You and Shelia didn’t break up. She dropped you because she wanted SPACE. And she
wanted space because you were all over her. For you Psych majors: When you press a
woman, she’ll want distance. When you back off from a woman, she chases you. Sheila
probably didn’t even want to date another guy. The other dude probably had nothing on you
whatsoever. It’s just rationalization on your part to think she suddenly had another guy and
had to drop you. Rex, she wouldn’t want to be with another guy if you didn’t keep
smothering her. That said, now that she wants you back, you can’t take her back. You get one
shot per girl per lifetime. That’s it. Sheila’s out. Next.

it's all your insecurity

Why does it bother you that Morgan has 30 guys in her phone list? You don’t know who
these guys are. If she’s a beautiful woman, she will have 30 guys chasing after her. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If she’s that hot, she should have 130 guys on
her tail.” And she probably could if she wanted them -- it’s no big deal. The point is that you
can’t let it bother you. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “What are you, insecure or
something?” Rex, you have to invest in “The System” and learn how to build up your self-
confidence and not worry about the competition. Because, like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
“The only competition you have is you.”

she can't breathe

Now let me be sure I have this right. You dated a woman 27 DAYS IN A ROW? Now I know
for sure you don’t have my program! And now I can also understand why Sheila dropped you
-- she was suffocating. It’s all as clear as a blue California sky.

But 27 days in a row wasn’t enough. You told Morgan you wanted more. Rex, you never tell
a woman you want more -- ever. The antithesis of Challenge is to tell a woman you want
more of her attention. If you knew what you were doing, she would be telling you she wants
more. And when she said she wanted you to be a toy, you should have said, “Honey, I’ll be
an ice cream truck for you if you want!”

Now let me get another thing straight. You’re telling me you want to get involved with
Morgan, but you’re worried that Sheila might come back. You mean you’re worried about the
girl that dropped you coming back? The only thing that you should be worried about is being
weak, going back to Sheila and letting her dump you again. You’re fretting about the wrong
thing, buddy!

the problem is you

You told Morgan that Sheila was just a friend? Now you’re lying, Rex, and I don’t condone
lying to women. You can keep your mouth shut with women, but do not lie to them. And by
the way, how did Morgan know that Sheila was texting you? You should have kept your cell
phone in your pocket instead of letting her see what was going on. Morgan knows way too
much about the other woman. Like my cousin General Love says, “Man, oh man, you’d
make a lousy secret agent!”

So, you dig two girls, but you’ve already brought one home to your mom? You don’t bring a
girl home to your mother until you’ve got at least six months with her and she’s crying
marriage! That’s when you should bring Morgan home -- not now! Boy, do you have a lot to
learn, Rex.

You lied again to Morgan when you said you were helping a friend. Know what your problem
is, Rex? You’re a liar.

It’s nice that Morgan doesn’t want to be disrespected, but it’s also funny how babes go
ballistic when guys break dates, but never acknowledge men for the ones they keep. Amazing.
But, Rex, if you told Morgan she was smothering you and had no right to tell you what to do,
you must be a very handsome fellow to have gotten away with it.

You have Sheila practically trained? How can you have a girl trained when she dropped you?
Girls that are trained don’t dump their guys, I’m sorry to say.

Which girl would I go for? Heck, I don’t know why either of these girls should have you!
You’re a liar, and I don’t like liars. Neither do clinically sane women.

Remember, guys: confident men don’t have to lie.

Doc Love: Hot And Cold

Hey Doc,

I’m a big fan of your column, and I've read “The System”. I was left confused by one of my
most recent dating experiences and was wondering if you could coach me.

I met Brooklyn about a year ago through a group of people we hang out with. She’s very
pretty and classy. When I met her, she had a boyfriend, so I didn’t make a move. I didn’t
really hang out with her a lot either. We talked a little bit at some social events, but I spent
most of my time hanging out with other people. I found out about a month ago that she had
broken up with her boyfriend. I hung out with her in a smaller group a couple times to watch
her signals. They were good, so I asked her out. There was a very slight hesitation, but she
said yes.
she seemed into me
The first date went great. Brooklyn had her hand on my knee, held my hand, did most of the
talking, and showed a lot of curiosity and interest. We laughed a lot and had a great time. We
even kissed, although I may have made it a bit too short. She essentially asked me out on a
second date the following week. I said I had to check my schedule and that I’d give her a call
in a couple days.

I called her three days later and she sounded excited about the date. She called me the next
day and invited me to go to a restaurant event the group we met through was having. I had
already planned on going and I told her that. So I went to the dinner. I wasn’t sure how she
would act in a group, so I held back from the physical stuff, though I talked mainly to her.
We had a good time.

confusing signals
The next day Brooklyn called me and said she didn’t want to date anymore. She said she
didn’t feel a connection with me and asked if I felt the same way. I said no and that I had a
lot of fun on our dates. She said the first date was really fun, and it made her sad because we
have so much in common.

Doc, where did I make the mistake that caused her Interest Level to drop, or did I misread it
initially?

Oskar - who can’t figure her out

Read on to find out where Oskar went wrong...

doc love's answer

Hi Oskar,

Good for you that you didn’t make a move on Brooklyn when you found out she had a
boyfriend. To you Psych majors:
When she has a boyfriend, stay away from her. Lots of guys try to work girls when they have
boyfriends, but it’s a complete waste of time. When she has a boyfriend lurking around,
you’re just asking for trouble.

It was also good that you stayed away from Brooklyn early on. You have to stay away from
a girl until the boyfriend disappears -- that’s the smart thing to do. And you did it. So you’re
to be commended for that, Oskar. It shows you have developed some Self-Control.

she just wasn't that interested

That said, the slight hesitation Brooklyn showed when you asked her out was a huge red flag.
Right away, you should have asked yourself the all-important question: Why? Why did she
hesitate? The reason she hesitated, Oskar, was because she didn’t have high Interest Level in
you. So right there, with that slight hesitation, you were in deep, deep trouble. You should
have taken note of it and bailed right then and there. But you went ahead and took Brooklyn
out anyway.

Dude, you shouldn’t have kissed this girl at all on the first date. You kiss a girl on the second
date on her doorstep -- that’s it. So you really jumped the gun here. Whether or not you
knew it, you were already losing your composure and applying the pressure.

you missed your chance

But you rebounded, and when Brooklyn asked you out for a second date you didn’t accept
her offer. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You should jump on it like
a dog who hasn’t eaten meat in a couple of years.”

Nevertheless, it was a huge mistake to go out with the group. You met Brooklyn through that
group, so you should have gotten away from it and changed the environment. Like “The
System” says: No group dates. And like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “You can’t sell 10
people. You’re only there to sell her.” Oskar, you’re there to sell Brooklyn, not the other nine
people.

I know that you held back from the physical stuff when you were with Brooklyn and the
group, but you should have held back from the physical stuff on the first date. Kissing her
tells me you were too touchy-feely on the first date. You’re never supposed to do that.

when it's over, it's over

When Brooklyn told you she didn’t want to date anymore, it goes straight back to her
hesitation when you first asked her out. You shouldn’t have told her you had a lot of fun on
those first dates. You should have said, “I think you’re right -- I didn’t feel a connection
either. But look, you’re a heck of a girl, and I hope you find a nice boyfriend.” And that
should have been the end of it. Like my cousin General Love says: “When it’s over, you give
them nothing.”

Let me see if I can get this straight. Not wanting to see you makes Brooklyn sad because you
have so much in common? Now she’s contradicting herself. She said she had fun, you have a
lot in common -- but she doesn’t dig you. What the heck does that mean? Talk about
Womanese!

In the end, the problem here was that you misread Brooklyn’s Interest Level initially. That
slight hesitation when you asked her for a date gave it all away.
Remember, guys: Until you get to 10 dates, nothing counts.

Doc Love: Keeping Cool When She's Too Warm

Hey Doc,
Big fan. Just started reading the Dating Dictionary for the fifth time. It’s been working big-
time. I get a lot of female attention and then just work Challenge from there. And man, did it
work with Jade, a dangerous and very beautiful woman.

following all the rules

I met her two years ago through her dad, a coworker of mine. I wasn’t practicing “The
System” then, but while I’m not a “Three-Percenter,” I’m also no chump with women. I got
your book and started putting the principles to work. The first thing I realized was that
“availability is the antithesis of Challenge,” and I’ve been applying that ever since. Problem
is, Jade lives in a different city. Earlier when she was in town on weekends, I would go and
have a drink with her. Not anymore. This got her attention. It got to the point where she
asked me out to dinner and said she would drive to see me. I kept it cool and said I’d let her
know when I was free. I then got busy and we never had this date. She e-mails me a couple
times a month and I always reply with something light, funny and positive.

too much challenge?

Recently her dad had a party we both attended. I chose to chat up a cute brunette and mingle
with the other guests rather than just focus on Jade. She didn’t like that. She told she me was
upset that I was ignoring her. Later, we went out for a walk, and she told me that I had
missed out on her and that she had a boyfriend. I said, with a smile: “Good luck with that.”
She said that wasn’t what I was supposed to say. She told me she liked me and felt slighted
that I didn’t accept her offer for dinner. I told her it was nothing personal, but more of a
location thing. Anyway, she was giving me eyes all night and even said: “Why haven’t you
kissed me yet?” I replied: “You have a boyfriend, so that wouldn’t be appropriate.” I walked
her home and she grabbed and kissed me. I broke it off, but she came back for more. I said
she had soft lips and wished her a good night.

From what I gather, her boyfriend is a wimpus americanus. She said that what she likes about
him is that he talks about how many kids he wants and doesn’t play games. This guy also
offered to fly her across the country to see him and has moved to her city to be with her. Plus,
I can tell from pictures that his Interest Level is WAY higher then hers.
keeping it cool
Jade and I haven’t really spoken recently except for an email where she told me she’s applied
for jobs in my city. Apparently she’ll be in town this weekend so her boyfriend will get to
meet her dad. I’m prepared to just wait this one out. My gut tells me it won’t last with the
boyfriend. I’ll disappear until she gets bored and dumps him.

My Interest Level is quite high in this girl. I’ve been dating others but they just don’t
compare. It’s been tough to keep my emotions under control, but I have. I do worry that I
might have been too much of a Challenge and that I bruised her ego a bit too much. Any
advice on how to handle this?

Ernst - who wants to come out a winner

Find out where Ernst went wrong...

doc love's answer

Hi Ernst,

If you’ve read the Dating Dictionary five times, you only have ten more times to go. So take
heart -- you’re already one-third of the way there.

You may be getting better with women, but telling Jade you’d let her know when you were
free was a huge mistake. To you Psych majors, when female attention is incoming, you have
to grab it. When you rebuff her in this way, you’re insulting the girl -- and that has nothing to
do with Challenge.

You mean to tell me that you’re so busy you can’t make a date with Jade? It takes five
minutes for a phone call and a few minutes more for lunch. You might always reply with
something light, funny and positive, but you’re not getting the date, which is the most
important thing.

On the other hand, when you chatted up the brunette, you were really working Challenge by
rubbing her in Jade’s face. Beautifully done, dude; that was great. Moreover, it was perfect
that you wished her good luck with her boyfriend, because once a boyfriend enters the
scenario, the entire game changes. And wishing her good luck was the perfect retort for when
she dropped that bomb on you. So despite your one big error, you’re doing fine, Ernst. Of
course, telling Jade good luck with her boyfriend wasn’t what she wanted to hear. But you’re
not there to say what she wants to hear; you’re there to operate by the rules of “ “The
System."

challenge shouldn't be an insult

That said, Jade had a right to feel slighted that you turned her down for dinner. But what you
should have said to her at the time was that on account of the distance between you two, there
was no reason to get something started. That would have been a much better way of handling
it, and it sends her a very clear message at the same time.

Now think about what happened next. This girl has a boyfriend, you’re working Challenge on
her and she wants to know why you haven’t kissed her yet? Like my cousin General Love
says, “So much for loyalty, soldier.” What this tells you is that Jade doesn’t dig her
boyfriend; she’s just floating along with him. Her Interest Level in him is probably in the 50s,
if that.

Even more beautiful than the other things you said to her was that it wouldn’t be appropriate
for you to kiss her since she has a boyfriend. That was another wonderful comeback, pal.
Know why she wanted to keep kissing you? Because you were working Challenge. Resisting
her drove her crazy. Nobody ever tells this girl "no." 90% of the men out there don’t even
know what the word “NO” is.

Yes, from what you’re telling me, Jade’s boyfriend is indeed a wimp -- a big wimp. Tell her
that as soon as she moves into town and drops her boyfriend, you’ll go out with her. And it’s
great that you’re prepared to wait it out. You’ve got it all going, Ernst. But until the boyfriend
is dumped, you don’t do anything. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Patience is the key
to women.”

In the end, though, you probably did ride a bit roughly over Jade’s ego. You should have
taken the date she offered. Other than that, you’re doing a splendid job, man. I’m proud of
you.

One more thing: Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “The next time she e-mails you,
ask her if you can be the best man at her wedding.”

Remember, guys: until her boyfriend is out of the picture, you have to practice patience.

Doc Love: Slow It Down

Hey Doc,

I’m kind of looking for an answer I can’t find in your book. Maybe you can coach me.

doing everything right

I met Suzanne a year ago. After reading your book, I felt like trying out your techniques on
her. I called her, fed her your lines and asked her out. The date went great. I kept it playful,
and we had lots of fun. She kept texting me (I only responded every now and then), and then I
asked her out again. She couldn’t go out on the night I suggested, but she didn’t counter-offer.
I blew it off and figured it was time to move on to the next one.

Then I got a message from Suzanne asking if I wanted to go to lunch. We went, and
everything was great again. On the next date we went out dancing and kissed. The next
message I got from her blew me away. She wanted me to come and meet her family and
watch her sister’s basketball game. I’m thinking she’s swallowed it hook, line and sinker!

The next day I drove to her house and dropped off a birthday card to her, and we talked a little
and kissed a few times. Within an hour of getting home, she texted me and out of nowhere
said: “I really want to take things slow.” I’m like: “What? You just asked me to meet your
parents!” She replied that she liked spending time with me but hasn’t been single for long.
You have to understand that I applied absolutely no pressure to this girl at all!

opposing signals
Doc, what the hell is going on here? So far what I’ve pulled from Suzanne is: 1) She likes
spending time with me but might be a Professional Dater, 2) I might just be a rebound for her,
3) She is trying to cover up her own Interest Level (which, to be honest with you, I doubt).

Can you please shed some light on this matter? I really like this girl and thought I was doing
everything right so far, but I guess not.

Vivaldi - who’s baffled by her Womanese desire to take it slow all of a sudden

doc love’s response

Hi Vivaldi,

First of all, pal, just because you can’t find a solution to one of your dating dilemmas in my
book doesn’t mean it’s not there. What it does mean is that you haven’t read the Dating
Dictionary or “The System” nearly enough.

warning signs
Now, let’s get on to your problem. When you ask a girl out and she can’t go but doesn’t
counter-offer, that means she's not interested in you. Because, as I have pointed out many
times before to you Psych majors, when they like you, they help you. And this girl is not
helping you.

Read on to find out why Vivaldi needs to slow it down...

proceed with caution
When Suzanne asked you to come and meet her family and see her sister’s ball game, you
should have told her no because A) she didn’t make a counter-offer to your date invitation,
and B) because it’s way too soon to meet her family. Vivaldi, you just met this girl, didn’t
you? What are you doing meeting her family within a matter of days? What have I told you
guys a million times already? You have to go in slowly. Like my cousin General Love says:
“If you throw caution to the wind and charge into battle, you’re going to end up a
slaughtered piece of meat.”

But whether or not you’re aware of it, you charged in. Dude, why didn’t you just mail
Suzanne’s birthday card to her? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “As
far as I know, they still deliver the U.S. mail rain, sleet or snow.” Why did you have to make
such a big deal out of it and make a hand delivery? Again, didn’t you just meet this girl?
What’s the big rush?

if it sounds like a loon...

When Suzanne told you she wanted to take things slowly minutes after begging you to meet
her family and cheer for her sister, you should have known right then and there that you had a
full-blown loon on your hands. It’s that simple. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “When you
observe wild inconsistency within a matter of minutes, it usually indicates that the young lady
has some kind of mental health problem.” And since you applied no pressure to Suzanne,
“This girl just flew out of the cuckoo’s nest,” as the great Doctor Freud once said. Suzanne
might like spending time with you, pal, but she might just be a Professional Nutcase instead
of a Professional Dater. Are you just a rebound for her? Well, you haven’t pressured her, so
she’s acting out of her own free will, right? As far as your theory about her concealing her
high Interest Level, that’s just hopeful dreaming, my friend.

Until you get to 10 or 12 dates with a babe, you can’t count anything. And to put it lightly,
Vivaldi, this girl has behavioral problems, so you have to walk out on her. Remember, only
clinically sane women need apply.

One more thing: You have to realize that when you meet a woman, you know nothing about
her whatsoever. She’s nothing but a complete stranger. So why in the world would you try to
plunge into a deep relationship with her? Would you walk up to a complete stranger on the
street and ask her to marry you? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “For all you
know, she just walked out of a lunatic asylum -- or jail.”

Remember, guys: When she displays inconsistent behavior, it means she doesn’t like you.
Doc Love: Waiting In Vain

Hey Doc,

I’m a reader of your articles and I’ve decided it’s time I got some advice from someone who
can really coach me. So here’s the story.

I’m a third-year medical student who fell for a classmate, Eva, a year ago. I decided to go for
it, and have been trying to date her ever since. But she doesn’t want to get involved for three
reasons. 1) She just got out of a five-year relationship with someone. 2) She’s a born-again
Christian and is unsure about me since I’ve never been that religious. 3) The fact that we’re
doing clinical rotations and now moving around to different areas for a limited amount of
time would make it hard to be together.

We haven’t seen each other now for a little over two months. The last time we did see each
other we spent a good part of the night holding and kissing each other, but the conversation
the next morning was pretty much that we couldn’t get into a relationship now because we’re
going to be in a long-distance situation.

constant contact
We keep in contact almost every day, either through phone calls or text messages. For the
past week they’ve decreased in frequency and volume, so I’m not sure whether she’s losing
interest, her ex is trying to get back in the picture or if she’s really been busy with the exam
she has in the next few weeks. Regardless, I’ve made up my mind to break off contact until
she reciprocates because it’s a basic psychological need to want what we don’t have anymore.

My main question is: How do I keep her interested until we’re at a place in our careers in
which we can settle down in one place and have meaningful relationships? Also, how do I
keep in contact with Eva without looking like an overeager wussy? I pretty much know that
we might not end up together, or if we do it’ll be after two years of our clinical duties, but if
there’s a chance we can work it out, then I think Eva’s worth taking a chance on.

Swanny - who can’t get her off his mind

doc love's answer

Hi Swanny,

If you really want to be coached, you have to get "The System."

Reading my columns alone won’t do it. The columns, while packed with wisdom, merely
function as an introduction to my program. You will never, ever be successful with women
without having my book. It’s vitally important that you understand this.

Now let me get this straight. For one whole year you’ve been trying to get a date with this
woman, and for one reason or another she can’t go out with you? Swanny, let me tell you
something about you doctors. You have your noses stuck in the medical books for eight or
nine years, but you know absolutely nothing about women and are sitting ducks for a
mercenary. And that’s why all you physicians out there need my program. What are you
waiting for, my friend?

why is she waiting?

Now let’s take a look at all the reasons you think are responsible for subverting your attempts
to have a relationship with Eva.

1) Just getting out of a five-year relationship is actually the second reason Eva doesn’t want
to date you, and it has nothing to do with you.
2) Being a born-again Christian is actually the third reason Eva doesn’t want to date you,
and again, it has nothing to do with you.
3) Doing clinical rotations is actually the fourth reason Eva doesn’t want to date you,
and again, it has nothing to do with you.

Read on for more of Doc Love's response to Swanny...

You left out the No. 1 reason Eva doesn’t want to be with you, and you left it out because
you don’t have “The System," therefore, you don’t understand the psychology of women.
The No. 1 reason Eva wants nothing to do with you is because her Interest Level is south of
50%. That’s your real problem, Swanny: This woman has Low Interest Level in you. And by
the way, buddy, women will never mention that to you. But you don’t know that because you
don’t have my book.

your interest levels are way off

You haven’t seen Eva for over two months and you actually think she’s interested in you?
Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You been studying way too hard,
Doc!” Gee, I hope you’re getting all As in med school because when it comes to women,
you’re getting an F!" And like the great Doctor Freud once said: “I hope you’re not studying
psychology.”

The reason you and Eva are separated is not because you’re working in different areas. Again,
it’s because she has low interest level. That’s what you don’t seem to understand. Your
Interest Level is 100% and hers is 45%. She is not a keeper.

What do you mean you keep in contact with this woman? The reality is that Eva doesn’t keep
in contact with you. She’s not losing interest in you because she has no interest to lose.
you're waiting in vain
You should have backed off from contacting Eva a year ago, Swanny. You wasted a whole
year of your life going back and forth with this woman when there are lots of women out
there who would love you. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “You’re barkin’ up the wrong
tree, boy!” Furthermore, it sounds like Eva’s the one breaking off contact with you, and
not vice-versa.

This woman will never, ever have a relationship with you, Swanny, so forget all that stuff
about settling down in one place. That’s just a delusion. And I hate to tell you this, but she
already has the impression that you’re an overeager wussy.

Will you and Eva end up together after two years apart? Sure, she’s just going to keep her
nose to the grindstone and work and save herself for you for two long years. Yeah, right. Like
my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Dude, you’re so naïve.” I can hardly believe it myself.

Remember, guys: Never try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you.

Doc Love: Exit Signs

Hey Doc,

I really don’t know where to start. “The System” has helped me win the hearts of girls I only
used to dream about. This is why I am now at a loss for words.

too good to be true

I met Gloria well over a year ago, and we started dating. She turned out to be a total keeper.
She’s a Flexible Giver, compliments me frequently, doesn’t nag, is a “10” in the looks
department, laughs at my stupid jokes, thinks what I do for a living is great, and loves to cook
for me. She’s 22, which is several years my junior, and in her last semester of college. Since
she’s on the young side, her age would be the only “problem.” We’ve been going out for
about 14 months now. She met my parents two months ago and everything was just perfect.
We have never had an argument. I would marry her any time.

an unconvincing excuse
So what’s the problem, you ask? Well, I applied to graduate school, which would mean two
years of study in three different universities in a foreign country. This was not a surprise to
Gloria, since I had talked about it. Well, she recently decided to end the relationship because
she was “becoming too attached” to me and didn’t want my leaving to hurt her. I responded
by returning some stuff she kept at my place and said something like: “If you change your
mind, call me. Just don’t take too long.”

When you meet a girl you don’t know what to expect and “The System” has helped me
separate the wheat from the chaff. I never thought things with Gloria would be so great.
Believe me, I have been in terrible situations with women and she is an exceptional case. I’m
not dying to go back to school, but I also know that now is not the moment for any permanent
relationship decisions, like whether or not to get married.

Should I just cross my fingers and wait to see what happens in two years? Should I just forget
about Gloria (one chance per girl per lifetime)? I really don’t know what goes next.

Miguel - who is shell-shocked and brokenhearted

doc love answers

Hi Miguel,

I’m very happy that you’ve begun to recognize the elements in a woman that are valuable for
a long-term relationship, which is what “The System” is all about. And you got a whole 14
months in with Gloria. Judging from the criteria of my book, she sounds fantastic -- so far.

Click to the next page to discover how to read exit signs...

missing her exit signs

But I don’t buy it at all that Gloria broke up with you so that she would be spared a broken
heart. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Bro, it just don’t ring true.” If this
babe were really in love with you, she would have done anything to be with you -- simple as
that. She would have asked you to marry her. She would have gotten a job to be near you. She
would have begged you to take her with you to all the different universities you’ll be
attending -- even if they were in China. Above all, she would have said that she wanted to be
with you no matter what. To you Psych majors, a Flexible Giver goes with her man when he
has to travel somewhere for work or study. Gloria is not doing that. Her actions are telling
you a lot, Miguel.

No, this girl was looking for to exit the relationship, my friend, and when you decided to go to
school overseas, she jumped at the chance to take it. The bottom line is this: Gloria doesn’t
have high enough interest in you to follow you around to all of these different universities.
She doesn’t want to support you in your education. On the other hand, it’s true you could
probably have found a school to attend here in America, but that’s not the real issue. The real
problem is that Gloria wants out. The entire issue of going to school is just a smokescreen for
the core problem, which is that Gloria decided to bail on you.
she just wasn't that interested
What really happened is that starting around the seventh to ninth month that you were dating,
Gloria started to lose interest in you. And it kept declining. From that point on, she was just
waiting for the chance to make her exit.

Telling Gloria to call you if she changes her mind was all fine and dandy, Miguel, but there
was no point to it -- because it’s over. Gloria is not going to give you a second shot because
her Interest Level has dipped to south of 50%. When it’s at that level, nothing can be done to
salvage the situation. Nothing.

You might have gotten a lot out of my program, but unfortunately you didn’t apply it to this
girl. And like most guys, once you got her, you took her for granted and quit practicing “The
System,” which is what got her in the first place. And so you have to ask yourself: why did I
jettison the strategy that won me Gloria? When they’re six to eight months into a relationship,
so many guys start to relax because the girl is crawling all over them and they can do no
wrong. But they end up paying for it later when they go against the principles that won her in
the first place.

Why are you even uttering the word marriage? Dude, you’re OUT. You’re GONE. You’re
FINISHED. You returned Gloria’s stuff and she told you she wanted to break up with you.
There’s nothing more to think about. And like all women, she gave you the second reason
why she wants to get rid of you, not the first reason -- LOW INTEREST LEVEL.

Don’t worry about crossing your fingers and waiting two years for Gloria to change her mind
about you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Why waste your time
dreaming about someone who’s gone when you could be out hustling other women?”

Forget Gloria, pal. She doesn’t care about you anymore. She doesn’t care if you go to Outer
Mongolia or you if stay here. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Heck, she wouldn’t
care if you went to the moon.” No matter what you do now, it’s over.

And to answer your question, yes, you’ve had your one chance with Gloria and you blew it.

Remember, guys: she’ll give you a thousand reasons why she dumped you, but the only real
reason is that her Interest Level has plummeted.

Doc Love: Sharing Emotional Scars

Hey Doc,
I am in need of your great coaching. I have a childhood friend, Karen, who went through a
bad divorce. (I also went through a nasty divorce.) Karen and I hadn’t talked for a couple of
years and just started hanging out again. We shared a lot of private and emotional scars and
secrets about ourselves and I feel like we made a special connection.

Now here’s the problem: There’s a guy who works with Karen who declared to her that he’s
in love with her. She says she doesn’t feel the same way about him but allows him to come to
her house and go for jogs with her. She had dinner and went to a movie with him, still
insisting that it’s all innocent, and that she just likes the company because she feels lonely
sometimes. Karen told me that she would actually prefer to hang out with me but doesn’t
want to take away from my busy schedule.

Sharing emotional scars makes you a doormat

I assured Karen that she wouldn’t drain my time and that I would hang out with her whenever
she wanted. Just recently we were supposed to go out and she told me that she wasn’t feeling
very good, that she was still sad from her divorce, which was about a year ago, and she asked
if we could hang out another day because she wanted to go and talk to her sister. I was of
course fine with it because her sister is a great person and cares for Karen’s well-being. But
since that day, I've felt like there is something different with Karen. I asked her if she wanted
to hang out this weekend, but she said she already had plans and that she would call me.

Hindsight is 20/20
I have to admit that sharing certain personal thoughts and feelings with Karen early on may
have been a mistake, because now I feel like I’m developing feelings for her. How do I keep
my feelings in check and at the same time show her that I’m confident? I want her to always
feel like she can hang out with me, so should I call her or text her again to invite her out or
should I just wait for her to do it? I don’t want to become a pest, but I want her to feel like she
still has a good friend in me.

Whit - who doesn’t know where he stands after sharing emotional scars

doc love’s answer

Hi Whit,

First of all, everybody goes through nasty divorces. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says:
“Who goes through a nice divorce?” Nobody. It’s very rare that any couple has a truly
amicable parting of the ways. Maybe 3% of the time the people involved are both happy
about the split. Down deep, both parties are really, really hurting when they go through a
divorce.

The path to a great friend

Now, regarding your friend Karen, if you’re going to hang out, you’re not dating. And that’s
all you say throughout your letter -- you two are just hanging out. If you’re just hanging out,
you’re going down the friendship road, Whit. That’s much, much different than dating. So
right off the bat, if you have any romantic interest in Karen, you’re making a huge mistake by
just hanging out with her.

Of course you made a special connection with Karen by sharing all your emotional scars. And
the connection is only on a friendship level, not on a romantic level -- because pain and hurt
and disappointment and rejection are all negative things. And negatives don’t build positive
interest levels. You’d know that if you’d read “The System.”

Sharing emotional scars makes you vulnerable in many ways…

The reason Karen has this other guy coming around is because she cannot be alone. So she
will mislead and use another man so that she doesn’t have to be alone. So she hangs out with
you and she hangs out with this other guy, but there’s no dating with either of you. Like my
cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “This sista is cruel.”

Make yourself scarce

Hanging out with Karen whenever she wants to means that you’re always available for her. If
you call me a great coach, you must have read some of my columns, which means you know
a little something about challenge. So tell me, dude, how is being available for Karen 24/7
acting like a Challenge? I have news for you: it isn’t.

Karen might have wanted to hang out with you another day so she could go and seek
counseling from her sister, but she didn’t give you a specific date to get together with you,
did she? Since you’ve built your relationship with Karen on the fallout from nasty divorces,
she’s going to throw that up in your face every time she wants to disappear. And by saying
her sister cares about her well-being, you’re doing nothing but rationalizing, Whit.

But now you feel that something feels different with Karen. You know what that is? She’s
backing off, that’s what.

Did she also say she has to wash her hair?

She said she’d call you because she has all kinds of plans for the weekend. In other words,
Friday night, Saturday morning, Saturday afternoon, Saturday night, Sunday morning, Sunday
afternoon, and Sunday night, she just can’t find any time at all for you? Wow, this chick has
some heavy duty high Interest Level in you, doesn’t she, pal?

Sharing all that heavy emotional stuff with Karen early on was a mistake. A massive mistake.
Developing feelings for her now has nothing to do with it. Because the truth of the matter is
that you liked Karen from the beginning, otherwise you wouldn’t have been spending time
with her. But like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “She’s only spending time
with you because you’re her girlfriend/psychiatrist.”

How do you keep your feelings in check and show Karen that you’re confident? You have to
abide by the rules of “The System,” which you’ve been absolutely annihilating in this
relationship.

Whit, you don’t really want Karen to know that she can always hang out with you. You want
her guessing when you’re going to call and ask her out, that’s what you really want. Before
you ask her out, you have to get hold of my program, because you don’t have a clue what
you’re doing.

The essence of Doc Love

Still you insist that you want to be best friends with Karen. But my column isn’t about being
a good friend to any woman; my column is a dating column. You’re going down the wrong
path, and you’re wasting your time. And now you want to switch tracks with this girl and you
can’t do it.

Remember, guys: hanging out with a woman is not dating.

Doc Love: Dazed And Confused

Hey Doc,

I own and run a successful consultancy business and also lecture at a local university. I have
been seeing Pamela for a few months. She recently lost her job due to the global financial
crisis and she is currently unemployed. She spends most of her time with an older female
friend who has never been employed and does not seem to have any future life plans.

public displays of affection

One day, we were watching soccer with her friends and Pamela kissed me, but the next day
it was as though she didn’t even know me. Whenever we got together, she would hold and
hug me, but when I pushed further, she would tell me that I was too good for her.

But I still took her out. When I did, her friends came with her. Some of them caused a lot of
confusion between us. She liked to spend time with me but also with her friends. She hugged
me and sometimes sat on my lap in public. Also, she reacted with jealousy when she
suspected there was someone else interested in me. But when I made moves to kiss her, she
told me she had feelings for me but wanted to move slowly.
Well, yesterday Pamela texted me to thank me for everything I had done for her and said that
she hoped that one day the way she felt about me would change, but for now she just wants
to be friends.

testing the waters

To test her Interest Level in me, I drafted a fake text message meant for another girl (who
does not exist) and sent it to Pamela as though it was by mistake. In the message I said: “OK,
since you insist that you have to take me out, let’s give it a try!” Pamela immediately texted
me: “Who is this girl you have a date with?”

This morning there were several calls from Pamela on my cell phone. When I called back,
she wanted to know if I had been with the other lady. She said she’ll be upset if she discovers
that I was with another woman.

My questions are as follows: Do you think Pamela has any Interest Level in me? Is there any
way I can raise her Interest Level at this stage? What should I do before I mess up more? I
don’t want to make any further moves until I get your coaching.

Wilmot - who's dazed and confused because she's on the fence

Read on to discover how Wilmot can stop being dazed and confused and why he needs to
memorize “The System”...

doc love's response

The girl you’re dating is not exactly what I’d call a model of self-reliance. How come she’s
not hitting the streets 10 hours a day looking for work? Like my cousin Sal “the Fish”
Love says: “This girl’s a bum.” And her older friend is a bum too.

inconsistent behavior
When Pamela pretends not to know you after slobbering all over you, it’s called inconsistent
behavior. And that means it’s time to say goodbye. And when she tells you that you’re too
good for her, tell her that from now on you’re going to be a bad boy so that she can hate you
and kiss you.

But why do you keep taking this girl out? She’s displaying all kinds of inconsistent behavior,
and you’re rewarding it. Why? You tell me that you run a successful business and you lecture
at a university, but when it comes to women you don’t use any of the principles you used to
become a success to get a good, worthwhile woman. What sense does that make?

And why are Pamela’s friends tagging along on your dates? That’s called a group date, and
group dates are a no-no. According to my program, you don’t do a group date until she’s
officially your girlfriend and her Interest Level is higher than the stars.

one at a time
Of course her friends cause confusion on these dates, because that’s what happens on group
dates. You can’t deal with five women at once. It’s tough enough sitting across from the one
that you like. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Dude, you can’t even
handle one woman, so why are you fooling around with more?”

You know why Pamela likes spending so much time with her friends when she’s with you?
Because that way you can’t come on to her. She sits on your lap in public because that’s when
it’s safe. She doesn’t do it when you’re alone with her, right? No, that’s when she squirms
and can’t wait to get away from you. Wilmot, that behavior is telling you something -- I hope.

why date her in the first place?

On the other hand, she gets jealous of you. So what we have here is an inconsistent,
unemployed and unemployable woman who has a bunch of ding-dong girlfriends hanging
with her, and she reacts with jealousy if someone else looks at you? Hey, it makes sense to
me, pal. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “This sista sounds like a real
gem, dawg.”

Then she tells you that she wants to move slowly. Wilmot, Pamela doesn’t want you to go
from fifth gear to first gear; she wants you to go from fifth gear to reverse. And now she just
wants to be friends. Once a babe tattoos the word “friend” on your forehead, you are out
forever.

But I have to hand you this, Wilmot: When you sent her that fake e-mail, you were finally
operating. Brilliant work, guy! That’s when you really started to use your noggin. But you
didn’t take full advantage of the tactic. When Pamela asked you who the girl interested in
you was, you should have said: “Your replacement!” And why the heck did you call her back
when she left those messages? After what she’s put you through, you should have let her
leave 100 messages on your cell. And when she demanded to know if you were with another
woman, you should have said: “Actually, I was with her and her twin sister, and they’re both
models! Gosh, what a night!”

Now, on to your questions:

No, Pamela has no interest in you. Her Interest Level is 0%.

No, you can’t raise her Interest Level in you because it’s impossible to raise interest when it’s
below 50%.
Before you mess up more, you have to get the “The System” and memorize it. Then tell
Pamela two things: forget my name and forget my phone number.

Remember, guys: cuckoos belong in cages but not in your heart.

Doc Love: The Other Woman

Hey Doc,

I’ve used tips from “The System” to help boost my confidence in dating women, and it’s
helped a lot, but now I’d like some coaching.

Cinnamon and I recently got into a serious relationship. We are almost complete opposites,
but we’ve found middle ground and have developed a lot of similarities. So far, everything is
cool. Cinnamon is beautiful, funny, smart, and a writer, like me. She can always make me
smile.

girls who like girls

There is one thing that bugs me about her, though. Cinnamon is bisexual. She’s been after
this one woman for a long time, and she calls her the “girl of my dreams.” I don’t know a lot
about this other woman, but from what I’ve been told, she and Cinnamon have liked each
other for a long time but never had a relationship. Cinnamon decided to date me anyway, but
now we’re on break from college and miles apart from each other, while Cinnamon is with
the other woman back home.

Here’s my problem: Cinnamon met up with this girl a few days ago to talk things through,
and it turns out that they love each other a great deal. The other girl also has a boyfriend, but
he’s apparently OK with her dating another girl. Cinnamon says she will date me but if things
don’t work out between us, then she will date the other girl. What worries me is that no matter
how much I care for her, she may always be a bit distracted by her would-be girlfriend.

I truly care for Cinnamon, and I know she cares for me. She said she turned down the offer of
a relationship with the other woman because she found me. This is reassuring, but I can tell
she still thinks about the other girl a lot. The worst part is that there’s still a few more weeks
before I can see her again, and until then, she is out of my reach and with the other woman.

I’m the kind of guy who, when he is dating a girl seriously, doesn’t date others. I guess I’d
expect that of Cinnamon, but is that selfish? Even if I ask that she not date the other girl,
Cinnamon would still think about her.
is it time to let go?
Doc, am I standing in the way of Cinnamon’s happiness? Should I step aside? Do you think
it’s too difficult to date this girl while she still has feelings for another? I really don’t want to
push Cinnamon away.

Willard - who has never swum in these waters before

Read on for Doc Love's advice for dealing with the other woman...

doc love's response

Hi Willard,

Right up front, you bring up a very important point. When you internalize the techniques of
“The System,” what happens is that your level of awareness rises. You notice more things
than you would normally see without using my program, and the effect is that your
confidence level also goes up. Look at it this way. The first time that you banged on a
computer, you didn’t know what you were doing. Now, after five or six years of constant
usage, your fingers fly over the keyboard. Why? Because you have more knowledge, more
practice and, consequently, more confidence. It’s the same thing with women and “The
System."

she's just not that into you

When you say that Cinnamon likes girls as well as guys romantically, the real truth of the
matter is that she prefers girls. You want to believe that she’s available to you, but the truth is
that she’s really not. The greatest error in your perception of the situation is that you think
because your competition is not male that there’s something qualitatively different about the
situation. But the truth is that there isn’t. It doesn’t matter at all if your competition is male or
a female. So what you’re really doing is rationalizing.

Cinnamon is not really dating you and the other woman. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love
says, “You’re just a fill-in.” Willard, you have to face the fact that you’re second choice after
her. And like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “I don’t care if the other one is a girl or a goat,
you’re number two.”

You say that Cinnamon has been interested in the other woman for a long time. So you got
involved with someone you knew was going to leave? In my book, I point out that long-
distance dating doesn't work, and your situation is a simple variation on that theme. What you
did was fly in the face of that principle.

you'll always come second

I don’t care how tolerant the other woman's boyfriend is -- he’s still an idiot. There’s no more
delicate way of putting it. When Cinnamon tells you that she’ll date you if it doesn’t work out
with the other girl, she’s using Womanese, and what she’s really saying, again, is that you’re
second to the other girl. None of my students are supposed to be in a secondary position when
it comes to dating a girl, ever -- period.

I got news for you, pal. Cinnamon is not distracted by her would-be girlfriend; she has higher
Interest Level in her this girl than she does in you, her boyfriend. She has 95% Interest Level
in her girlfriend and only 45% Interest Level in you. Which means you lose because you’re
second in the ratings.

Cinnamon doesn’t care for you, dude, and get that through your head. She cares for the other
woman. When she tells you that she turned down a chance for a relationship with her when
she found you, she’s just stroking you because she’s in the arms of the other girl right now.
So that’s just more Womanese. And there’s no way it can be reassuring since she’s still
talking about the other person that she’s in love with. And to prove it, she is out of your reach
and with that other girl right now. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Ain’t
that a great position to be in, dawg?”

Don’t worry about being selfish because you’re not really dating this girl seriously. She’s in
love with another person who just happens to be the same sex as she is.

The only thing you’ve got right so far is that you can’t stop Cinnamon from thinking about
the other woman even if you try to stop them from dating. You’re in the number two position,
and that’s what you don’t seem to understand. She’s in the top position, and you’re the one
lurking in the background. Think about it, buddy.

let her go to her girl

Yes, Willard, you are standing in the way of Cinnamon’s happiness. I would agree that it
would be good to step aside, but you’re already on the side. Don’t you see that? And yes, it’s
impossible to date Cinnamon when she has feelings for another. You can’t push her away
because she’s already away. That’s what you don’t get. You’re talking through your hat and
your ego. Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, you’re fighting a losing battle.”

Remember, guys: If she likes someone else more than you, she’s not available.

Doc Love: Better Off Alone

Hey Doc,
A friend suggested I contact you. I’m a 36-year-old guy just back on the dating scene. I
divorced my common-law wife of 10 years recently. Ginny and I went through a very rough
time over the last three years, with me losing romantic interest in her. It wasn’t anything
physical about her that set it off; our romantic flame, which wasn’t the hottest to begin with,
just died.

a dying romance
To compound the issue, we seemed to have lost interest in trying to make things work and
just started coasting. That’s when I started to look outside the relationship. When things
heated up between me and another woman to the point of almost cheating, I had some serious
talks with Ginny. We read a few books and started therapy, but it seemed too late at that
point. I no longer knew how to make her happy or how to rekindle the flame.

Now I’ve met Rachel, an old friend from high school, and we started rollerblading together.
She’s divorced with two kids, and she’d just broken up with her boyfriend. Our friendship
evolved, and we’ve been seeing each other ever since. We get along great, and I love her
boys, but I think we’re just happy to have found someone because neither of us wants to be
alone. Who does, right? It just happens that we have a very healthy romantic life, something I
was missing in my previous relationship. We have the highs and lows of a normal
relationship, and I think we make a good couple.

torn between two

Here’s the problem. I don’t think Rachel and I are as compatible as I was with my ex-wife.
Ginny and I were best friends and had all the same interests and tastes in movies, TV shows,
activities, etc. We got along amazingly. We never fought until the end, and even then, they
were very civil and mature arguments. I really miss my ex-wife and think about her and us
every day.

These two women could not be more different in personality or lifestyle. I needed a change,
but the truth is I miss the freedom I had in my previous relationship. Now that I’m like a
stepdad and tied down with Rachel and her kids, I miss the ability to just pick up and go on a
whim, wherever and whenever, just the two of us. Although Ginny’s old job made it hard
financially to travel as much as I would have liked, she has since got the big promotion we
had waited on for years, and we would finally be able to do all the things we had planned.

As you can see, I’m torn. If I could be sure that my ex would take me back (we don’t talk)
and that we could reignite the fires of passion we once had, I would go back to her in a flash!

ending up alone
I know I should look at these two situations separately and first decide if I want to be with
Rachel and be a stepdad. Only then, if I choose to not be with her, should I revisit my old
flame and see if anything is there. But I’m afraid of breaking up with Rachel only to find out
that my ex-wife has moved on. Then I’ll end up alone. Please help me figure things out.

Wolf - who can’t make a decision

Read on to find out why Wolf should have used "The System"...

Hi Wolf,

The sad thing is had you had been using my maintenance program on Ginny, her Interest
Level would have remained high. And if it remained high, she would have continued to treat
you well, still been in love with you and you would have stayed in love with her.

But most couples end up coasting. Men don’t realize that the easy part is getting a woman to
fall in love with them but that keeping her in love is the harder part. So they coast. What
coasting means is that the guy is not going to use the maintenance program; he’s not going to
try and keep the woman’s Interest Level in the 90s, and he’s not going to date his wife and do
the things that turn her on, like housework. Like the old Chinese saying goes: “Coasting
always leads to a crash, grasshopper.”

You may have made a last-ditch effort to save your relationship with Ginny, but your problem
is that you were reading the wrong books. You should have been reading “The System” all
along. Dude, looking at the kind of troubles you have, you should have had it before you
started dating her. But don’t feel too bad -- most men don’t know the first thing about
maintenance. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “They’d rather go and
polish the rims on their truck than be affectionate with their wives.”

don't be afraid to be alone

Of course, nobody wants to be alone, Wolf. But there’s a difference between being alone and
being lonely, and that’s what you don’t seem to understand.

Guy, you have a hot romantic relationship with Rachel because it’s new. Like the great
Doctor Freud once said: “Newness is the aphrodisiac of the mind.” Everything’s great at the
beginning. You can’t beat the high of a new romance -- just ask Hugh Hefner. But like my
cousin Rabbi Love says: “With time, the ether wears off, and the relationship shifts into a
different mode.” These are the realities of life that no one can escape, my friend.

You say you have highs and lows with Rachel. I don’t like the term “lows.” Just what do you
mean by “lows”? And why are you having “lows” at the beginning of a relationship? Like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Lows are supposed to be saved for marriage.”

Do you know why you and Ginny fought at the end of your relationship? Because people
don’t fight when their Interest Level is up in the 90s. They only fight when the woman’s
Interest Level is between 51% and 60%.

you're giving up too quickly

Wolf, you only miss your ex-wife because you’re striking out with the new babe. And in the
process, you’re making a major miscalculation: In your mind, there are only two women on
the face of the planet, your ex-wife and Rachel. Why aren’t you going out with a second, a
third, and a fourth woman instead of just Rachel? Just because you strike out with one or two,
you shouldn’t go running back to your ex. Like my cousin General Love says: “Retreating to
the past is a sign of weakness.”

You should have realized up front that when you go out with a woman who has kids, it’s a
package deal. That’s another reason you should have had my program. Like my cousin
Brother Love down in Watts says: “I just hope those kids ain’t gettin’ too attached to you,
dawg.”

You might think it’s cool that Ginny got a promotion and raise, but you should be talking
about her Interest Level in you instead, because that’s the only thing that matters here. That
she got a promotion and raise are nothing but extraneous facts. They mean nothing in of
themselves. What does mean something is the fact that she doesn’t talk to you and is probably
spending her extra money on her new boyfriend.

it's time to move on

In the end, Wolf, your problem is that you don’t know how to be alone. And you have to learn
how to do it, because you’re better off on our own than trapped in a bad relationship. And the
truth is that you’re complaining about both of these relationships. You left your wife, and now
you’re moaning about her replacement. You’re finding all kinds of things wrong with each of
the two women and acting as if they’re the only ones on earth. If you had my book, studied it
and started hustling women, things would be different because you’d find another woman,
perhaps better than both of the ones you’re fixated on.

On the other hand, without understanding the maintenance program to keep a woman in love,
the new woman you find will get rid of you, or you’ll get bored all over again like you are
now.

Remember, guys: you’re better off alone than being miserable in a relationship.
Doc Love: You're Not Interested

Hey Doc,

I recently learned of your existence. I’ve read your columns for the past week, and I am
certainly impressed. I just ordered “The System,” and I’m eagerly awaiting its arrival.

The problem is that I have an aggravating and disturbing situation on my hands right now. I
met Dawn two years ago at a friend’s wedding, and we kind of hit it off. That same night, we
kissed a lot and six months passed until I met her again. Even though we saw each other
rarely, we became friends. Two weeks ago there was another wedding of a mutual friend.
Once again, one thing led to another and Dawn and I ended up making out.

it started out innocently enough

I did not see her again up until yesterday at a friend’s birthday party. This time, Dawn asked
me to take her home at the end of the night, which seemed to me like a totally innocent thing.
But on the way to her place I bought a bottle of wine. The alcohol went to our heads and we
got very, very romantic.

not interested in her

Now here’s the problem. After the romantic night we spent together, Dawn has been texting
me all day long. I answered a couple times so as not to be rude, but the truth is that I have no
interest whatsoever in starting a relationship with this girl. But I do not want to hurt her either.
We have tons of mutual friends, and if things turn bad between us, I am certain it will damage
our relations with our friends.

I need your coaching on how to make it clear to Dawn that I do not want a relationship but
want to remain friends with her. By the way, I forgot to mention that every time something
happened between Dawn and me, alcohol (and lots of it) was involved.

Thanks for your insights.

Elston - who tends to lose his head.

doc love's response

Hi Elston,

You strike me as an intelligent guy. You read a few of my articles and you ordered “The
System” because it registered with you. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Now this
makes sense.” You’re not like the guy who reads my columns for two years and still doesn’t
have the common sense to invest in himself and buy my program.

To you Psych majors, you’re not going to find every single tool you’ll need for dealing with
women in my columns. While my columns do provide some coaching for a given situation,
having my book and committing it to memory is the only way you will ever have access to all
aspects of my full program. You need to understand all of my principles in order to be a
success with the opposite sex. So, if you don’t have my book, how do you expect to put an
end to your pattern of failure with women? The answer is that you can’t.

Read on for Doc Love's advice...

Now let me get this straight: You make out with a girl, and then you don’t see her for six
months? What kind of relationship is that, pal? We have a problem here. And the problem is
that either Dawn isn’t really interested in you, or you’re not really interested in her. And
here’s something else. You shouldn’t have been kissing this girl whenever you got together.
That was a big mistake because, like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “One
of you two was trying to make something out of nothing.”

you were misleading

What Dawn is for you is just a wedding make-out queen. Look at it this way: you have no
real interest in her; otherwise you’d be taking her out. Makes sense, right? The sad part of all
this is that you’re misleading Dawn if she wants more out of the relationship than you do.
And in my program, we don’t use women.

Taking Dawn home after the party might have seemed like an innocent thing to you, but what
was it to her? If you’re not interested in the girl, you shouldn’t have done it. You’re not
dating this girl, so you shouldn’t have taken her home or anywhere else -- simple as that.

The reason Dawn is texting you nonstop is because she has high Interest Level in you. But
you don’t have high Interest Level in her. And, like I said before, that’s the crux of the
problem here.

it's your fault

So now you’re feeling the pain of discomfort because you misled this girl. Elston, you want
me to do your dirty work and clean this mess up for you so you don’t have to feel any guilt or
pain. But you have to realize that when you go against reality, there’s going to be pain, and
you are going to have to pay the price for leading this girl on.

Now you don’t want to deal with the consequences of what you did. But like my cousin Sal
“The Fish” Love says: “You should have thought about all that stuff before you took this girl
home and got her drunk on wine and made out with her.”
Elston, what you’re going to have to do with Dawn now is not answer any of her messages or
calls. And as far as damaging your relations with your friends is concerned, who cares? What
if Dawn led you on and dumped you -- would that also damage your relationship with your
friends?

always do it sober
Dude, I’m shocked that alcohol was involved in all of your encounters with Dawn! Like the
old cowboy saying goes: “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker!” The moral of the story is
that you should have kept your friendship with Dawn dry.

Remember, guys: If you’re not interested in a girl, don’t mislead her.

Doc Love: Moving On

Hey Doc,

I was with my ex, Candace, for five years. We’re no longer together as a couple, but we
bought a house together a year ago because we ran into a very good deal, and I was planning
on marrying her. At the time, I was in paramedic school and didn’t spend much time with her.
Now that I’m finished with school and have more time, we haven’t been getting along, so I
decided not to ask her to marry me.

from bad to worse

We’ve had a very bad time recently and Candace wanted a break from me. We’ve always had
a relationship with many fights and have verbally disrespected each other many times. A
week after she took her break from me, she decided we should break up altogether, and I
agree. We still live in the same house and the market sucks for selling properties right now.
In addition, we’ve invested money in the house.

Anyway, Candace has been talking to some idiot she met at her job about a year ago, or so
she claims. She talks to this jerk late at night. (He lives in Texas, while we live in New
Orleans, by the way.) During the first month after our breakup, she was mean as hell to me,
but now she’s being nice and says she wants to be friends. I’ve been nice to her as well, since
we still live under the same roof and are business partners.

she's moved on
Unfortunately, I still love Candace, and it makes me angry when she talks to this new guy on
the phone, even though we sleep in separate rooms. I try not to show that it bothers me.
Here’s my question: Should I try to get her back? She claims she’s just friends with the new
guy, but why would she be talking to him late at night if that were the case? This fool likes to
hunt ducks and other animals. Candace wouldn’t even let me order duck at a restaurant
because ducks are “so cute,” and now she’s infatuated with a guy who kills them for sport.
Women are crazy.

Doc, how can I know if Candace still wants me? What should I do? I feel I could get over her
easily if I didn’t have to live with her. But I don’t like the idea of paying for a house and not
living there. We don’t have children, by the way. Thank you very much for your time.

Red - who doesn’t know which way to go

Read on for Doc Love's advice on moving

on...

doc love's response

Hi Red,

Now let me get this straight. You’re with a girl you can’t spend much time with and
you’re not married to -- and you went out and bought a house with her? Talk about bad
decisions! What were you thinking? Were you thinking, period?

It’s good that you’re not going to ask Candace to marry you. No way should you ask her to
get married. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “There’s plenty of time
for fighting after you get married. Why would you want to start before you even say ‘I do'?”
To you Psych majors, any couple that fights before they get married is stupid. Why even
contemplate getting hitched to someone you’re squabbling with all the time? What sense
would that make? Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Anyone who would do that is a
masochist -- or really dumb.”

But you came close to doing just that. Your relationship is full of battles, and you have
no respect for the other person. Oh, and you went and bought a house with her and went
into business with her. Hey, makes sense to me!

move on and out

Don’t worry about your house now, Red. Sell it and get out of there. I don’t care if you lose
200K on the house; it’s time to say goodbye to Candace and start all over again. And while
you’re at it, be sure you get “The System” and memorize it ASAP, because you don’t have a
clue about what you’re doing, pal.

Of course Candace has been talking to another guy. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “When
she’s had it with you, she’s going to go out and line up her ducks.” There’s nothing wrong
with what she’s doing, Red. Look at it this way: If she weren’t fighting with you all the time,
she wouldn’t be talking to this idiot.

she's over you

But let me explain something to you. This other guy has nothing whatsoever to do with your
relationship. Hard as it may be to grasp, he isn’t part of your problem with Candace. Your
problem in this relationship is you. You don’t know how to keep a woman in love with you --
that’s your problem. You would know if you had a thorough grasp on my materials, though.

You can’t get Candace back because you can’t go back, dude. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish”
Love says: “This thing is cooked.” And she’s flirting with another man, which means you’re
out. I don’t care if she’s pregnant by the other guy -- he’s a nonissue in this situation. Like I
said earlier, the problem is you.

You know why Candace is infatuated with a guy who kills little fuzzy animals for fun?
Because, like I say in “The System,” Interest Level cuts everything. And Candace’s Interest
Level in this other guy is high. So if he wants to go out and shoot ducks, all of a sudden she
loves to shoot ducks, too. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “The guy could
be a serial killer and she wouldn’t care.”

So wake up to reality, guy. Candace doesn’t want you. She fights with you all the time and
flirts with another guy. What more do I have to say?

it's time to get away and start over

What should you do now? Most importantly of all, memorize my materials. You have to get
away from Candace. Dump the house and take a big loss. Clean the place up and put a FOR
SALE sign out in front. If it doesn’t sell, lower the price by 10K every two weeks until it’s
gone.

Thank God you don’t have children, Red. If you did, they’d be more messed up than you.

Remember, guys: if you’re fighting with your girlfriend, don’t make her your business
partner.

Doc Love: Asking Too Much

Hey Doc,

I’ve been in a relationship with Anastasia for over three years. We began dating during my
senior year and her junior year of college. I started grad school the next year. We were both
busy at the time but lived relatively close by and were able to see each other three to four
times a week. She then got a job, and we were able to stay on a steady schedule of dating
during both the week and weekends. We were 1.5 years into the relationship and saying “I
love you” to each other at this point.

When she started law school and I completed my last year of grad school, we had an hour’s
distance between us. We always talked and saw each other weekly. Now I’ve finished grad
school and have moved closer to Anastasia. She’s still busy with law school, but we see each
other twice a week.

different priorities
I understand that law school schedules are tough, but we are at a point where we have
seemingly gone backwards. I want to see Anastasia more often, but she doesn’t know what
she can promise in terms of giving me more of her time. She is also experiencing health
problems due to the burden of law school, so it often takes her more time to do homework,
which shrinks her available free time even more and further complicates the situation.

Anastasia has two-plus years of law school left, and after that bar exams and a job. I don’t
know if I see a point in the future where I’m going to be moved up on her scale of priorities.
We’ve had many heated discussions about this, but things have not changed. I love Anastasia,
but in the long run I think I want more from her than she can give me. What would you coach
me to do?

Savarin - who feels marginalized

doc love's response

Hi Savarin,

First of all, you saw this girl way too much at the beginning of your relationship. You
shouldn’t be seeing anyone four times a week. Twice a week is plenty -- otherwise, you’re not
much of a Challenge. And you never should have said "I love you” to Anastasia. You never
say "I love you" to a babe, no matter how desperate you are.

What strikes me in your letter is that not once have you mentioned Anastasia’s Interest Level
in you, and her Interest Level in you is the most important factor in the relationship. This
leads me to believe that what you have here may be a one-sided relationship -- you’re
interested in Anastasia, and she’s not so interested in you.

Read on to find out what Doc Love and “The System” have to say about Savarin's situation...
back off
But you haven’t gone backwards at all, pal. Anytime someone attends law school or medical
school or is in any professional training, you have to back off. Law school is one of the
toughest regimens there is and getting through it requires an enormous amount of
concentration and application. So you have to give way and not pressure Anastasia. Would
you like her bugging you if you were in the same situation? Think about it.

You made a huge mistake in bringing up the subject of how much time Anastasia can spend
with you. Remember, she should be chasing you. This is one of the core tenets of “The
System.” Since you don’t mention having it, I wonder what you’re waiting for. If you had
committed my program to memory, you would know that you should never be pressuring any
woman for more attention.

Now think about this, Savarin. Anastasia is going to law school, and she has physical
problems and you’re pressing her to see you more often? What does a tactic like this
accomplish? To you Psych majors, when you pressure a woman, it is certain to have negative
results. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “Dawg, her interest in you is
gonna be in the toilet in about 10 minutes.”

be supportive
There shouldn’t be any complications in your situation whatsoever, Savarin. You should
support Anastasia when she’s not healthy and busy with her law studies, and you should let
her call you when she wants to see you. Then you’ll go out. If she doesn’t call you, you don’t
go out, simple as that. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “In a sense, my son, you’re going to
have to let her run the show.”

Instead, you’re panicking about whether or not you’re going to be moved up on her list of
priorities. Maybe you should force her to quit law school and get a job as a waitress so
she can stay out late with you every night, have you thought of that?

But seriously, all of these discussions you’re forcing on Anastasia about the amount of time
she spends with you have no doubt lowered her Interest Level because you’re not empathetic
about her health or supportive of her future goals. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says:
“Dude, you’re selfish.”

asking far too much of her

You shouldn’t want more than Anastasia can give you, guy. You should take whatever she’s
able to give you and help her through this stressful time. In the long run, she’ll give you credit
for being patient.
What would I coach you to do? Back off and let her ask you out. You’re asking -- begging --
for way too much. Most guys would be happy that their girlfriends couldn’t see them all the
time. Actually, if you think about it, this situation is perfect. It allows you to indulge yourself
in your hobbies, go out with the boys, play sports, and do whatever else it is you want to do.
Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “There are lots of miserably married
men who would love to switch places with you.”

Remember, guys: If your girlfriend is trying to better herself, you have to be supportive.

Doc Love: Challenge Or Playing Games?

Hey Doc,

I’m a follower of “The System,” but I’m in a situation that has me stumped.

I recently reconnected with an old friend (we’ll call her Tia). She’s an ideal woman: smart,
witty, has an amazing body, and is a solid 10. She’s posed for Maxim magazine, has a great
job and has guys chasing her constantly. To top it off, she’s very down-to-earth and fun. I’m
33 and she’s 30. I live in Florida and Tia lives in Los Angeles, but when we reconnected
there was undeniable chemistry. She did all the right things, calling and texting me, and was
the first to make contact. But because of her extreme beauty and the number of guys chasing
her, I decided to be a super-Challenge.

super-challenge
It wasn’t long before Tia invited me out to L.A. to see her, and I agreed. But every time we’d
agree on a time to talk on the phone to make arrangements for my trip, I would blow her off
by either not calling her or not answering her call. I wanted to make her work for it and not
seem too eager to see her, and I thought that being a Challenge would make her realize how
much she wanted to see me.

Anyway, this went on for weeks before Tia finally got upset and confronted me. She accused
me of being rude and told me that if I wasn’t interested in seeing her to just tell her. I
explained that my intentions weren’t to be rude but that I was extremely busy with work and
that the time difference between Florida and California didn’t help. She accepted my “excuse”
and asked that I be more considerate in the future instead of blowing her off.

call of duty
A few weeks later, Tia had a business trip to Orlando that was canceled, but she still had the
plane ticket. She came out, and we had an amazing weekend together. She was fun, and we
laughed a lot and got very romantic. The chemistry between us was through the roof. When
the weekend ended, I asked her to call me to let me know that she got back safely. But when
she called, I let it go to voicemail. I figured it would be to my advantage to make her wonder
what I thought about our weekend by not talking to her too soon. After her call she sent me a
text saying she arrived safely and to call her. I didn’t call. Instead, I sent her a text the next
morning saying that I was asleep when she called and that I had a great time.

Then I didn’t have any contact with Tia for two weeks. She texted me that it was obvious that
I wasn’t interested. She said she was glad we got together and that she harbored no hard
feelings. I texted her back and accused her of playing games since I assumed this was a ploy
to get me to confess my feelings. She responded by telling me that she wasn’t playing games
and genuinely felt like I wasn’t interested.

too much of a challenge

The truth is that I’m very interested. Since then, Tia has texted me once a week. I’ve been
very casual with her, hoping it would persuade her to open up to me. She told me that she had
tried several times to express her concerns to me, but that all I did was hurt her and make her
feel like I didn’t care at all. Since then, I’ve avoided initiating contact. Have I taken being a
Challenge too far? I don’t want to lose Tia and I need to know how to turn this around. What
did I do wrong and what do I do now? Should I be honest and tell her how I feel?

Didier - who overthinks everything

Read on for Doc Love's advice on the proper way to be a Challenge...

doc love's response

Hi Didier,

When you say you’re going to be a super-Challenge to a girl, what I’m really hearing is that
you’re trying to change “The System.” Dude, you don’t touch my program -- it would be
like changing the Bible or the Constitution or the Declaration of Independence. So, please
don’t take my principles and put your own spin on them. Like my cousin General Love says:
“When you’re on the battlefield, soldier, just do what I tell you to do.”

don't be rude
Now let me get this straight. You gave a girl your word about talking to her, and you think
that by blowing her off that you’re being a super-Challenge, or even a Challenge? Let me tell
you something: You’re not. You’re just being disrespectful. And we’re not disrespectful to
women. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Besides, your behavior is rude, crude and shows
you ain’t got no upbringing and no class.”
You might want to force Tia to work for your attention, but you’re going about it the wrong
way. What you’re doing is what Macho Boy would do. The wimp calls a woman all the time,
but the Bad Boy doesn’t call at all. I don’t want you to be either one of those guys. I want you
to be like Cary Grant. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “Can you imagine Cary Grant not
returning a call when he gave his word?” Your actions are nothing short of Neanderthal,
Didier. You know absolutely nothing about Challenge. Absolutely nothing.

You might be busy with work, but a phone call to a woman takes all of 30 seconds. You
should have called Tia and said: “Hi, I hope things are fine, but I’m buried in work for the
next five days, and I’ll get back to you once I clean it up.” Heck, that would have taken even
less than 30 seconds.

So, Tia has a right to be upset with all the shenanigans you’ve pulled here. She was telling
you to be more considerate, but you weren’t listening.

keep your word

Sending Tia’s call to voicemail was a flat-out insult. You should have picked up and talked to
her. You’re talking about a girl’s safety here, buddy. And don’t forget you told her to call
you, which implied that you were going to talk to her. She deserved a callback. So you blew
it.
How old are you, Didier? Twelve? I know you’re an intelligent guy -- I can tell from the facts
in your letter -- but I can’t believe the mistakes you’re making. And you have my book? Like
my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Man, you’re a horrible advertisement!”
Then you went and lied to Tia again and told her you were sleeping when she called. Where
do you see in my book that I tell you to lie to a woman who is treating you well and acting
consistently?

Then you waited two weeks to call her. Another mistake. You should be talking to this girl
every four or five days. To ice the cake, you went and accused Tia of playing games when
you were the one doing it all along. So now you’re on the attack. Attacking someone isn’t
loving, guy.

In the end, Tia’s not interested in you because you’re rude and crude, not because you’re too
much of a Challenge. When she made all of those accusations against you, she was 100%
right on all counts. You might think that you’re a follower of “The System,” but you’d better
open it up and inundate yourself in it, because you have everything backward.

You should have sent Tia flowers and apologized for being a boor. And you should read my
book every night until you’ve gone through it 15 times. You have absolutely no concept of
what Challenge is, I’m sorry to say.

Unfortunately for you, it’s too late to turn it around now. Tia’s already gone, and you’re out.

Remember, guys: Classy women don’t like guys who aren’t classy.
Doc Love: Tough Decisions

Hey Doc,

Man, I need some serious coaching. My situation is that for the past nine months, I’ve been
dating Reisha, an amazing woman who is almost the complete package. She’s goal-oriented,
fashionable, attractive, loyal, and takes care of her man.

she's a package deal

Here’s the problem: She’s 8 years older than me and has a teenage daughter. I’m 25, she’s 33,
and her daughter is 15. Now, we talked about a long-term relationship and she hasn’t really
put pressure on me, but she has a strong desire to be married one day (not necessarily to me).
I’ve expressed how I haven’t been comfortable with possibly having a stepdaughter who is 10
years younger than me, but I’ve tried to adjust my view. Unfortunately, it still doesn’t quite
sit well with me. I get frustrated because I can hear the pain in Reisha and the frustration of
me fighting myself.

Now here’s where the problem gets worse (or better). My ex, Janet, who I was with for four
years, pops up from time to time telling me she still wants me (she’s three years younger than
me with no kids). We broke up mostly because of her selfishness. I still dig my ex, but I don’t
completely believe that she’s changed to become more of the type of woman I need and want.

a fresh start
Now here’s where we get to the climax. This week, I met a drop-dead gorgeous woman
named Alicia through a mutual friend. She recently quit her job to pursue a career in acting.
We went out a couple of times and talk every day, and both of us have openly admitted we
like each other’s vibe. I’m trying not to get ahead of myself, but if things keep going the way
they’ve been with her -- flirting and buying signals -- I wouldn’t mind taking it to a more
exclusive level.

I have some tough decisions to make. Do I continue to pursue Reisha, warm things up again
with Janet (who I almost married) or take a chance and further pursue Alicia and other girls?

JaMarcus - a real man in need of some wisdom

doc love's response

Hi JaMarcus,

The first thing you have to understand is that in the case of Reisha, it’s a package deal. To you
Psych majors, you don’t get the mom without the daughter. You have to take both if you stay
involved with Reisha. I don’t like the fact that Reisha is eight years older than you (you'd
know that if you had “The System”) but if you have a perfect relationship -- and you’ve
described a pretty darned good one in your letter -- then I’m for it.

But there’s a silver lining to this gray cloud, which is that Reisha’s daughter, who is 15, will
be out of the house in just three or four years. So the girl is going to be a non-issue pretty
soon. If the daughter was two years old, then you’d have an entirely different situation -- and
a much more difficult one -- on your hands. But as it is, this girl is on the way out, and that’s
good for you and Reisha.

Read on for Doc Love's advice on making tough decisions...

Nevertheless, if you decide to stay with Reisha, you’re going to have to learn to adjust. But if
you can’t accept her kid, you have to drop Reisha. Don’t waste her time. Like my cousin
Rabbi Love says: “Let her go out and find a Good Samaritan who will marry her and adopt
her daughter.”

forget about it
Now, let’s move on to Janet. You say that she’s selfish. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
from East L.A. says: “End of discussion, dude!” What have I always told you guys? Get
yourself a Flexible Giver, not a ”taker.” Janet had a lousy attitude. You went out with her in
the past, and now it’s done. Period. Like the old Chinese saying goes: “Let sleeping dogs lie,
grasshopper.” There’s no reason at all to talk about Janet -- it’s over. She hasn’t changed at
all and she’s not going to change. You’re finished with her, so forget her.

slow down
On to Alicia. Now let me get this straight. You’re talking to a girl, who you just met, multiple
times every day? I can see that you don’t have “The System,” my friend! You like each
other’s vibe? You might think you’re all man, JaMarcus, but like my cousin Sal “The Fish”
Love says: “No guy talks about his feelings to a woman. It’s very unmanly.” No offense,
guy, but you need to get my program or you’re not going to make it with any of these women.

What’s even worse is that you’ve only been out with this woman a couple of times and
you’re already talking to her about exclusivity. It’s another sign that you know nothing about
my principles, JaMarcus. Think about it. You don’t know this person at all. I’m sure she’s
beautiful since she wants to be an actress, but that’s all you know. And if she’s an actress,
how do you know what you’re really getting?

the total package

What should you do? Well, you should forget Janet, your ex, because that’s all ancient
history. Next, you have to learn to accept Reisha’s 15-year-old daughter. If you can do that
and be a good father to her, you should stay with Reisha and date Alicia. With time, one of
them will drop off.

You have some tough decisions to make, but the key here is learning to deal with the 15-year-
old. She’ll be gone soon and will be a non-factor.

Remember, guys: You can’t have too many women when you know “The System.”

Doc Love: In Love With Someone Else

Hey Doc,

I’m an engineer for an aerospace company. I met Monica at a software convention. Our first
date was lunch; I kept things light and used some wacky humor. I waited 10 days before
calling her again and kept the call to 10 minutes. She wanted to e-mail back and forth “to get
to know each other better,” but I laughed that off and said “E-mail is for Star Trek dorks,”
which she got a kick out of. I called again a week later and invited her on another date. The
date went well: I acted like a gentleman, was well-dressed, and we got to know each other
more. She took me golfing (I hate golf but played along), and I pretty much determined that
Monica’s character and personality were top-notch and that she was a Flexible Giver.

in love with someone else

Before I drove back home, she confessed that she hadn’t met anyone like me, but that she had
a problem that I ought to know about. I sat and listened, but didn’t encourage any
breakdowns. She said that she had dated a man, Tom, four years earlier and that she had
fallen deeply in love with him, but he had chosen to marry another woman. Then she went on
to confess that she didn’t think she could truly love someone else the same way as Tom ever
again.

She said she thought that I was irresistibly attractive and “perfect,” but that Tom was
somehow “imprinted” on her brain and that she didn’t know how to get rid of the memory,
even after therapy. By the way, Monica is no nutcase. She graduated from a top college and
comes from a good family.

playing it cool
My response was to give her a hug, tell her it was OK and that we were just getting to know
each other casually anyway, which was true. Over the next year, we spent more time
developing a romantic relationship of sorts, though we never called it that. In fact, we never
called it anything, and never talked about it. Maybe I handled this wrong, but there was a
strong attraction between us, and I wanted to keep things casual and avoid the subject of Tom
and see if she could get over him. Within eight months, her Interest Level seemed to
skyrocket as we spent time together, particularly when she found out that I was dating other
women (since we never had any commitment).

My problem now is that I want to marry this girl (although I’ve followed your advice and not
blabbed anything about loving her desperately), and I also know that she wants to marry me.
But I need to know her current feelings about Tom before plunging in. I fear that bringing him
up again won’t lead anywhere good. At the same time, I can’t marry Monica without knowing
I’m No. 1 in her life. To further complicate matters, what if someday Tom gets divorced and
tries to get Monica back?

am i in too deep?
Tell me, where do I go from here? Did I handle this right, or should I have run in the other
direction when the subject of Tom came up in the early stages? This girl’s a keeper, but not if
she can’t forget the other guy.

Delmar - who wants no complications

Read on for Doc Love's advice...

doc love's response

Hi Delmar,

First of all, it’s great that you passed on Monica’s invitation to sit there e-mailing each other.
Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Playing with a computer when it comes to
women is a big waste of time.” Plus, it’s an anti-challenge. Unfortunately, that’s the only
thing you did right.

Now let me just get this straight before we go any further. After two dates, you’re swooning
over a woman’s character? Dude, you know nothing whatsoever about this woman after two
dates. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “After spending about seven
hours with a babe you have her all figured out? No way, Jose!”

she's not available

But let’s move on. When Monica told you that she could never again love a man like she
loved Tom, it meant she is not available. That’s what you’re telling me here, Delmar, and
more importantly, that’s what Monica was telling you. Monica has the hots for a man who
broke her heart. You know what “The System” says about that, right? No ex-boyfriends or
ex- husbands lurking in the background. When Monica tells you that Tom is imprinted on her
brain and that she can’t forget about him even after she lay on a shrink’s couch for years, that
sure sounds like lurking to me. In fact, that’s more than lurking in the background -- Tom is
right there in the room with you and Monica! It means that she’s going to be in love with
Tom for the rest of her life and that you don’t stand a chance. But at least Monica was being
honest. She was right up-front with you and told you that she’s really not on the market.

My friend, you don’t know anything about Monica’s family because you haven’t even met
them. Again, you’re jumping to conclusions. And just because she got straight A's at
Princeton doesn’t mean she can’t be a nutcase when it comes to romantic love. Remember
that Joran van der Sloot went to college, came from a good family and that his father was a
top judge in Aruba. What does that tell you?

When you say you were just getting to know each other casually, you’re rationalizing. A
romantic relationship “of sorts” means that it’s not a romantic relationship at all. You might
have thought there was a strong attraction between you and Monica, but there was a stronger
attraction between her and Tom -- which means you’re No. 2, man. Why would you want to
be No. 2 to anybody?

she's not into you

Yet, in the face of all this stuff, you still want to marry this girl who’s carrying a torch for
someone else. I can definitely tell you haven’t read my book, because if you had, you
wouldn’t be making a blunder this huge! And I have news for you, Delmar: You are desperate
-- because Monica digs somebody else. And if she wants to marry you, then she’s even
nuttier than you are. That’s obvious because she’s in love with someone else and keeps going
out with you.

If Tom ever got divorced, you’d better watch out, because Monica would dump you for him
in a heartbeat. Tom is No. 1, not you, guy. Do you really want to always live in his shadow?

Where do you go from here? You have to get “The System,” memorize it and forget this girl.
She’s a complete waste of time. No, you didn’t handle this thing right -- you handled it
horribly. Of course you should have run in the other direction when she told you about Tom,
but you didn’t. And like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “She’s not a keeper at all -- she’s
already kept by another guy.”

Remember, guys: For a girl to fall in love with you, she has to be available.

Doc Love: It's Over

Hey Doc,
Camilla and I have been together for a year now, and we love each other. We’ve been through
hell and back together, and I want to share our story with you.

Last summer she went on two long trips, one to Japan with her family and the other to Costa
Rica with a group that does work for third world countries. During her stay in Japan, we were
connected by phone and e-mail, and our relationship felt as great as ever. We had been
together about four months at this time. When she came back, there was a one-week window
before she left for Costa Rica. We had a picture-perfect week together, and I saw her off with
no doubts in my head.

a not-so-welcome home
When she got back after four weeks, Camilla was in no rush to see or talk to me, and I knew
from that point on that it was going to be bad for our relationship. At this point we were only
communicating by phone and e-mail (stupid, I know). Eventually, she saw me in person and
told me that she felt very disconnected from me and that she wasn’t ready to jump back into
our relationship. Then I went off to a summer camp where I counsel kids, and I met a girl,
Anita, who I ended up dating. As soon as I got back, I wanted nothing to do with either
Camilla or Anita.

i gave her a taste of her own medicine

But Camilla wanted to talk to me as soon as I got home. This confused me. After a few
weeks, she was ready to hop back on board, but I wasn’t as inclined to get back into a
relationship with her. I started dating a third woman, Beth, who basically replaced Camilla as
my best girlfriend. During the next two months, I didn’t treat Camilla well. I thought this
was OK because she had treated me so horrendously when she came back from Costa Rica.
But after a while, I understood that I would only be happy back together with her. I quickly
dropped my new fling and got back together with Camilla.

That was eight months ago. Now Camilla is telling me that I left her scarred, and she thinks
that the only way she’ll understand where I was coming from is if she dates another guy
(like I did twice) and then see if she regrets it or not. While she’s contemplating that, I’m left
on the sidelines, attempting to convince her that she’s not right.

can i let her cheat?

Should I call Camilla’s bluff and say: “Go for it, find a guy and tell me how it goes?” Or
should I use a more strict approach and try to convince her that she’s going to regret it like I
do now? Of course I could break up with Camilla for even considering another guy, but that’s
the last thing I want. Basically, I see this as Camilla asking me if she can cheat on me without
consequences. If she were to get together with another guy, I would break up with her
because she’d been with someone else while we were still together. Please coach me, Doc.
Crane - who is totally confused

Read on for Doc Love's advice and learn why Crane needs to read “The System”...

doc love's response

Hi Crane,

When you’ve been to hell and back with a girl, it means her Interest Level was not up in the
90s all along. And that tells me that you haven’t got “The System” memorized, so you don’t
know what the heck you’re doing! In my program, there is no hell; there’s only heaven.

you should have known from the start

You shouldn’t have made Camilla your girlfriend until she got back from all these trips. The
fact that she didn’t want to see you when she got back wasn’t just “bad for the relationship.”
It meant that the relationship was over. You have absolutely no relationship with Camilla,
dude. Any girlfriend who goes away and then comes back and doesn’t want to talk to you is
ancient history. And so everything that happened beyond that point is a waste of my talent.

not following "the system"

It wasn’t necessarily stupid to communicate with Camilla by phone and e-mail when she got
back from Costa Rica. You should just not have communicated at all with her -- period.
You should have had nothing to do with her. Why? Because there was no point.

Camilla wasn’t ready to walk or jump or crawl back into a relationship with you because it
was over. She was telling you in Womanese that you were out. Now I know for sure you
don’t have my materials memorized, Crane!

Anita had nothing whatsoever to do with Camilla. And now that you don’t want to see her
anymore, both she and Camilla are gone forever. When Camilla wanted to talk to you after
camp, you shouldn’t have picked the phone up. If you did happen to answer, you should have
told her: “Hey, I’d love to talk to you, but my date’s in the bathroom!”

you should know better

When Camilla said she was ready to hop back onboard with you, she just wanted to play with
your head, don’t you see that? Her Interest Level was under 50% at that point. And by the
way, why are you treating women badly and then writing me a letter complaining that
Camilla’s Interest Level is low? You knew it was wrong to e-mail her, you knew you treated
her badly, you knew you were doing everything wrong, so why are you talking to me now?
Of course she treated you horrendously after Costa Rica. So now two wrongs make a right?
Good
logic!

Why did you want to go back to Camilla when your relationship was shot? Like my cousin
Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Going back to an ex is the biggest mistake a man ever makes.”

So now she wants to date other men to get back at you. Tell me, big mouth, how did she find
out about your two other girlfriends? When you try to convince her not to date someone else,
you’re talking to the wall. It’s a big waste of time.

Yes, you should tell Camilla to go out with another guy, but you should add: “Please don’t
ever call me again.” She won’t regret going out with another guy because you were out a long
time ago. You have to realize that Camilla regrets nothing. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
from East L.A. says: “She’s just playing with you on the way out, that’s all.” When she came
back from her last trip, she made no effort whatsoever to get a hold of you, right? That meant
you were out way back then. All this talking, as they say in the car business, is nothing but a
lot of “chin music.”

it's over
Camilla’s not asking permission to cheat on you. If she goes out with another guy, it can’t
even be called cheating, because she has no interest in you. You’re not together, she doesn’t
like you, she’s playing with your head and you can’t break up with her because she’s not your
girlfriend. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Other than that, you’re really sharp!”

Remember, guys: Never try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you.

Doc Love: She's A Player

Hey Doc,

I am a 24-year-old college student. I met Lynn, 22, three months ago in class. She mentioned
that she had a long-distance boyfriend of two years, but all she ever did was complain about
him. I wrote her off as a potential date.

But Lynn liked me and wasn’t having that. She texted me, and that led to phone calls. For the
most part, she was the one making the contact. We talked every night for up to two hours. She
began hanging out with me and always ignored her boyfriend’s calls. Then she started saying:
“I wish you were him.” There were clear signs she was falling in love with me. She came over
one day to watch a movie, and we kissed. After that moment, I knew that we had chemistry.
Kissing led to making out. She started seeing me every day.
return of the ex
Then Lynn told me that her ex was coming to town for a wedding and that he’d be staying
with her. I asked what she was going to do. She said she wanted to be with me and that she
was going to break up with him when he arrived. She did, and things were great for the
following month.

Then she started acting distant. I asked her what was wrong, and she said she was stressed
over her new job. She also mentioned that her ex was moving here. I asked her what would
happen, and her response was: “Nothing. I’m not going to see him. I’m in love with you.”

a double life
Now here’s where it got really weird. Lynn and I had a dinner date, but she didn’t show up. I
called her parents’ house, and her mom told me that she’d gone to the airport to pick up her
boyfriend and that he was going to be with her for the next three days. Then she told me that
Lynn had mentioned my name and that I was helping her with her schoolwork, but she didn’t
know we were dating. She then said that her daughter must be living a double life and that I
would have to wait this one out.

In other words, Lynn and her ex never broke up! I was destroyed.

Now Lynn says she just wants to be friends and that she’ll let me know when she’s ready to
be with me again. I found out that her boyfriend discovered flirty notes I wrote to Lynn. He
wants to know if she cheated on him. There are pictures of Lynn and me kissing on my
Facebook page, and it’s only a matter of time before he finds them.

is there any hope?

Doc, Lynn claimed that we were a couple, but never broke up with her ex. Didn’t she
technically cheat on us both? Did she plan all along on being with her ex? Was I played? Did
I make a mistake that made her decide to be with him over me? What was she planning on
doing with me if I hadn’t found out that they never broke up? Does she really care about me?
Is her confusion real or just a ploy? Is she torn over whom to be with? Should I wait for their
inevitable breakup and then take my chances to discover what the two of us could have had,
or is it time to mark this one a memory and move on?

Washington - who is in great distress

Read on for Doc Love's advice on how to deal with a female player...

doc love's response

Hi Washington,

Writing off Lynn as a potential date because you knew she had a boyfriend lurking in the
background was the smartest, most perfect thing you did with this girl. Now let’s proceed
downhill, shall we?

When you say Lynn wasn’t letting you tell her "no," do you mean she put a gun to your head
or a knife to your throat? You told her you didn’t want to go out with her at the beginning,
and then you gave in. Why? Because you were letting your Interest Level dictate your moves.
My friend, you have no Self-Control, no Patience and no Discipline. To boot, you’re not a
Challenge at all. But like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Other than that, your girl
digs all your other manly traits.”

you came on too strong

You only talked to Lynn for two hours every night? Gosh, you should have talked for four
hours! You have to come on real heavy with a girl, Washington, don’t you know that? You
have to crush her with attention so that she knows you’re not a Challenge. If you did, you
wouldn’t have all the problems you have now.

But seriously, you were suffocating the girl while her boyfriend was still around, calling her
all the time. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Boy, that’s some backbone you got there!”

When Lynn’s ex announced that he was coming to stay with her and she said she was going
to dump him, why didn’t you ask her to call him right then and there and tell him to forget it?
Or you could have told her that you would pay for her ex’s hotel room. But you didn’t. Like
my cousin General Love says: “That’s because you’re not a trained Spartan!”

she never wanted to be with you

Lynn didn’t just start “acting distant.” She was being distant because her Interest Level in
you was dropping faster than the oil in the Gulf of Mexico. And besides, she had to give all
of her time to her boyfriend. She wasn’t stressed at all over her job. She was stressed over
how she was going to get rid of you because she didn’t know how to do it. When her ex came
into town and she didn’t tell him to beat it, that meant she was saying no to you, because you
can only have one boyfriend at a time.

Now let me get this straight. When Lynn told you that she was in love with you, couldn’t you
figure out that she was a pathological liar? Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “You
might go to college, but I can see you’re not a Psych major!”

What do you mean this is where it gets really weird? I got news for you, Washington: It was
weird already. How many warnings do you need? It looks to me like half the red flags in
China are waving. Dude, wake up!
But Lynn still insists that she loves you. Does loving you mean she had to go and pick up her
boyfriend from the airport and dump the guy who was just a fill-in for a couple of weeks? She
wasn’t living a double life; she’s just a player!

Read on for Doc's answers to Washington's questions...

you should have known better

Lynn and her ex never broke up? I’m shocked! I would have lost all my money had I bet on
that one!

The only thing you did right with this babe was turning her down at the beginning. But you
couldn’t hold on to it. You fumbled the ball at the two-yard line.

When she was swearing to you over the phone that she loved you and broke up with this other
guy, I’ll bet he was blowing in her ear right at that moment. But she wants you to believe that
she’ll tell you when she can be with you. Wow, what a sweet, loving girl Lynn is. The more
you tell me about her, the more I like her!

So what if the ex finds those incriminating pictures of you and her? He’ll get mad at her and
tell her to jump in the river and then she’ll be back in your arms. Then when you have babies
with her, you can call them Idiot One and Idiot Two.

she's a player and you were played

As to your questions, yes, she cheated on both of you, which means she’s working two fools.
Yes, she planned all along on being with her ex. And, yes, you were played. No, she didn’t
have to make a choice between the two of you. You see, Washington, you were never in
because he was never out. What was she planning on doing with you? She was going to keep
playing you and the other turkey. No, she doesn’t care about you at all -- you’re just her toy.
The only people confused here are her boyfriend and you. Lynn’s not confused at all. And no,
she’s not in love with either of you. She’s in love with herself, and she’s a drama queen.
Should you wait for their breakup so you can discover what you can really have together? The
chances of that happening are about as good as Joran Van Der Sloot telling the truth.

Should you mark this experience a memory and start moving on? Washington, that’s the best
thing you said.

Remember, guys: Until the boyfriend is gone, don’t go near her.

Doc Love: Give Up

Hey Doc,

I just started reading your column, and I need your advice. I was driving through the bank
parking lot when I observed Deirdre, a very beautiful woman with a great set of legs,
standing at the drive-up ATM. I pulled up to her and said: “Hey, you’re supposed to be in a
car to use that machine.” She turned around and said: “Oh, hi! I work here.” We both realized
that we had met in passing before. We talked for a few minutes, and she told me that she
needed to get back to work. I said goodbye to her and added, “And by the way, great legs!”
Her eyes lit up, and she beamed me a smile.

just dropping in
A few days later, I stopped by the bank and Deirdre and I talked for five minutes. I managed
to see her there twice a week for the next month. Each time I saw her, she seemed excited.
Then she told me to stop by her house to talk. When I showed up at her door, we laughed and
told stories. Afterward, I stopped by her house regularly. I kept these house calls short and
only called twice a week.

Finally, Deirdre offered me her phone number and e-mail address. I asked her out to lunch a
week later, to which she muttered: “It’s too early. I’m not ready.” I told her to think about it
and let me know. Then we set a date for lunch. But the night before, she e-mailed me saying
that she really didn’t want to go. I replied that it was okay and that we could go another day. I
saw her the next day, and she was her usual flirty, talkative self.

the dreaded text

Two days later, I got the “I’m not interested in dating” text from her. I replied that I
understood and haven’t contacted Deirdre since. It’s been a week. To round out the full
picture, she’s 50, was married 25 years, has kids and has been divorced for six months. Am I
out at first base or does she really need time and space? Should I wait a while and try to call
her later? I need coaching!

Jalen - who thought he had her in the bag

doc love's response

Hi Jalen,

You shouldn’t have told this woman she had great legs. What you should have done instead
was ask for her home phone or cell phone number. So you screwed up right out of the gate.
When you stopped at the bank and talked to Deirdre, you had another chance to go for the
phone number. So you screwed up a second time. When you kept going to the bank to see
her, you messed up again and again by not asking for her phone number. You need to get a
hold of “The System” and memorize it right now, dude. Clearly you don’t know what to do.
Reading a couple of my columns is not going to give you all the strategy you need, especially
when you’re as clueless as you seem. What are you waiting for?

Read on to learn why Jalen should give up...

the wrong moves

When Deirdre asked you to stop by her house, you should have asked for her number instead.
Why are you stopping by her house regularly when you’re not dating this woman? Like my
Uncle Jethro Love says: “Maybe she’s hoping that you’ll eventually fix her pipes or mow her
lawn.” Just hanging out with this woman is doing it all wrong. You should be taking her out
instead of dillydallying with her.

When you continue to go to the bank to say hi, it sounds like you’re checking in on her for
some reason. All this stopping in on Deirdre is doing you absolutely no good. And like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “When you hang around a babe all the time, all
you’re doing is butchering Challenge.” That is if you even know what Challenge is, because it
sure sounds like you don’t.

just not that into you

Finally, Deirdre gave you her phone number and e-mail address. But by that time, it was too
late. You should have gotten it way back when she told you it was too early to go out on a
date. You should have known to give up right then. You’re not ever going to have a chance
with her. You told her to think about it, but there was nothing to think about, because you
were already history. Deirdre doesn’t want to go out with you, my friend. Sorry.

Guy, you set a date for lunch, not Deirdre. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says:
“When you look up the word ‘begging’ in the dictionary, your face is there.” Of course she
e-mailed you that she didn’t want to go out, because she doesn’t want anything to do with
you.

Deirdre was her usual flirty, talkative self afterward, but that’s just how she is. She was just
flirting with you all along. That’s all there is to it. This woman has no interest in you
whatsoever. That long text she sent telling you to flake off meant that even if you were the
last man on the face of the planet, you wouldn’t have a chance.

You told Deirdre you understood her rejection, but I don’t think you really did. Jalen, the
truth is that you never had anything going with this woman from the beginning. What
happened after you didn’t ask for her number and hung around too much at the bank and her
house was that she got to know you and didn’t like you.
it's time to give up the game
Jalen, you’re not out at first base. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “Dawg,
you took a third strike at the plate!” Deirdre doesn’t really need time and space; she just needs
to find someone she’s interested in -- and it’s not you.

Remember, guys: Unless you do what I tell you to do, you’re wasting your time, and it's time
to give up.

Doc Love: Reasons For Rejection

Hey Doc,

First of all, a shout-out from Brazil! I just started to read your columns, and I hope you can
help me with the following situation.

I had a year-and-a-half relationship with an amazing girl named Fernanda. Like every normal
couple, we had our disagreements, but we always managed to sort them out through good old-
fashioned talking. No yelling, no disrespect -- just decent reasoning over the point of
discussion. We spent two weeks together traveling to the city where her folks live. After those
two weeks, I returned to my hometown while she stayed with her parents for another 10 days.
There were no problems between us.

the text that wasn't enough

Four days after I left, Fernanda’s grandmother passed away. She texted me in the morning
with the bad news, and I answered right away expressing my condolences and telling her that
I was sorry for her and her family. But I only called her later that night, which made her
really upset and disappointed in me. We had a serious conversation, and I managed to deal
with the situation, and everything seemed to go back to normal afterward.

But to my surprise, we talked the next day, and she wasn’t behaving as usual, which scared
me. Now here’s the big problem: Two days after her grandmother passed away, she broke up
with me over the phone, which, in my opinion, is a lousy way to end a relationship. I did it
with an ex-girlfriend and really felt bad afterward. Fernanda cried a lot during the
conversation, but basically said she couldn’t forgive me for what I did to her feelings. She
also claimed that we were having a lot of arguments when we traveled together, so she finally
decided to end it.

rejected for what?

I respected Fernanda’s decision and said I was sorry about the “grandmother incident” but
that I didn’t share the same opinion about the number of arguments we were having. I’m sure
that she’s hiding something, but we always trusted each other, and I don’t think she ever
fooled around with somebody else during our time together. And I also know that her
Interest Level in me was in the 80s when we were together.

Doc, could not calling immediately when Fernanda’s grandmother died really be a good
reason to end a relationship?

Waldo - who suspects there’s something else going on

doc love's response

Hi Waldo,

Thanks for reading my column in Brazil. And I want to remind you that my techniques work
in Mongolia just as well as they do in Montana. That means they also work in Brazil, but
please remember that you have to have my full program in order to be completely successful.
My columns only point the way.

Now let me straighten you out about something: Happy couples don't have disagreements.
That said, it’s good that you could sit and talk with Fernanda and that she’s not the kind of
lady who goes bananas. It shows that she’s the type of person who can be worked and
reasoned with. However, how many disagreements are you two having? That’s the key
question here, as we’ll see later on. Are you having one blowout every three or four months,
or are you having two or three a week?

What's Doc Love's diagnosis for Waldo's rejection? Find out...

When you left Fernanda with her parents, there may have been no problems between the two
of you in your mind, but what about hers? In her mind, you two might have been having all
kinds of problems. You’re just telling me what you think was going on, which might very
well be far from the reality of the situation.

a text doesn't cut it

You shouldn’t have merely texted Fernanda when her grandmother died. When somebody
passes away, pick the phone up and call. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Texting
is kind of cold. I got a friendlier message from my draft board.”

I know you’re bent out of shape ove getting the boot by phone, but there is no good way to
end a relationship. What did you want Fernanda to do, have a two-hour sit-down dinner to
announce the end and tell you what a great guy you are? When you’re the dumpee, you get
the ax however the dumper wants to give you the ax. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from
East L.A. says: “Ask the people of Cleveland how it felt when LeBron James dumped them
on national TV.”

Dude, you felt bad when you broke up with your ex because you left too soon. Had you gone
with her longer, you would have built up lots of resentment and you wouldn’t have cared how
you got rid of her. But what kills me is that Fernanda cried when she had low Interest Level in
you. My friend, you’re the one who should be crying!

travel trouble
When Fernanda claimed that you two were having lots of arguments when you traveled
together, that was the key to what went down. You were lowering her Interest Level by
fighting with her. Any time you go on a trip with a woman, especially when you’re with her
for 14 straight days, it’s really hard to be perfect. And what happened here was that when her
grandmother passed away, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. That was when her
Interest Level dropped from 51% to 49%. To you Psych majors: You have to really own a
woman when you travel with her, because you’re together all the time and there’s nowhere to
hide.

You might have not been bothered by the arguments you and Fernanda were having on your
trip, but they sure as heck were bothering her! Guys, the principle is simple: Arguing lowers
Interest Level. And Fernanda’s not hiding anything, pal. Don’t try to blame what happened
with her on someone else. You lowered her Interest Level on the trip by arguing with her.
And then you didn’t call her when her grandmother died, when you should have called her
every day for at least three or four days running to see how she was doing and showed her
that you had feelings. Instead, you just texted her and then called her too late. Very cold.

reason for rejection

In the end, your insensitivity was Fernanda’s excuse to reject you -- and it was a valid one in
her mind. You might have thought that her Interest Level was solidly in the 80s, but since you
don’t have “The System,” you don’t really know for sure that it was that high. But the main
point is this: No matter where her Interest Level was, it went south during the trip because of
all the bickering. Those fights drove her Interest Level from 80% to 51%. When her
grandmother passed away, it dipped from 51% to 49%. Then there was no turning back, and
that’s when you got your walking papers.

Remember, guys: When you take a trip with a woman, you better make sure her Interest
Level is 100%.
Doc Love: Getting Stood Up

Hey Doc,

I’m a fairly new student, as I’ve only read “The System” once.

At my new job, Miranda immediately caught my eye. One day I asked her out for a drink. She
said yes, but then I had a schedule conflict and couldn’t do it. She invited me to reschedule,
but I never got around to it.

In the meantime, another woman I work with, Heidi, invited me to hang out with her and a
bunch of her friends at a bar on karaoke night. I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to
reconnect with Miranda since she and Heidi are friends. I know your position on group dates,
so I decided that I would do it a little differently.

left alone at the bar

I texted Miranda, telling her the group plans, and asked her if she’d like to come along. She
said yes, and I told her that I would get a separate table, away from Heidi’s group, so that we
could talk to each other with fewer distractions. She was perfectly fine with that idea.

That night, I arrived at the bar and texted Miranda to let her know I was there. No response.
After waiting 30 minutes, I was joined by a buddy and proceeded with the night as if nothing
had changed.

My friend pointed out that I’d been stood up by Miranda and suggested I text her. I said no
based mostly (if not entirely) on what I’ve gleaned so far from your principles. I treated it like
a one-pitch tourney. They only get one pitch to look at and I throw nothing but strikes. Their
only option is to either hit the ball or be called out. In Miranda’s case, I grooved her a hanging
curveball right over the middle of the plate, but she couldn’t hit it. In my mind, she struck out.

reasons or excuses?
A couple hours later, after my friend and I hopped to another bar, I got a text from Miranda.
She said that she had fallen asleep watching a movie and was very sorry. I didn’t buy her
excuse. Also, missing from her apology was any hint of a counteroffer. My response was to
say “No problem,” to show that I was completely unfazed.

I expect that at some point Miranda will shoot me a “fishing text” to see how I feel. When and
if this happens, how should I deal with it? Second, what if she asks me out later, or what if
she approaches me with a delayed counteroffer? How should I handle that? I understand that
things happen and my previous assumptions could be wrong, but if the tables turn and I’m the
one in the batter’s box, I don’t want to get hit by the pitch either.
Bryant - who wants to win the game of getting stood up

doc love's response

Hi Bryant,

First of all, let me explain something to you. You have to read my book 15 times in order to
get its full effect. So forget television and read the Dating Dictionary once a week for 15
weeks. To you Psych majors, unless you immerse yourself in my program, you won’t get it.

Now let’s take a look at your schedule conflict. Right off the bat you screwed up, Bryant. You
asked a girl out when you had something else to do. So you blew your chance with her. Then
you never got around to rescheduling. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “How could
you be so sloppy, paisan?” Think about it: A girl asks you to reschedule and you don’t do it.
What’s wrong with you, pal? Don’t you understand that you have to be assertive? You have to
jump on leads. You have to close. But you’re not a leader and you’re doing everything wrong.
And this is why you need to read my book 15 times.

Doc explains what else could have prevented this situation next...

As if messing up that first date wasn’t bad enough, then you went and muddied the waters by
getting Heidi involved. Why? Heidi shouldn’t have been anywhere near this situation. These
are two separate deals, Bryant. You don’t have two relationships going with these women, so
why did you insist on such a foolhardy arrangement?

a group date by any other name...

You shouldn’t have asked Miranda to meet you at a bar with a gang of people you work
with. You should have gone out with her alone. That’s what you’re supposed to do when you
ask a girl out. You’re mixing oil and water here, buddy. You might think that you’re going to
talk to the girl with fewer distractions, but you’re still in the same room as all these other
people you know who could cause you any number of problems. It’s a messy setup and can
lead to nothing good.

Why did you text Miranda when you got to the bar? Were you checking in with her?
Miranda’s a big girl. She knew she was supposed to be at the bar. She wasn’t there because
she didn’t want to be there. No reason for a text message.

You might think you were running a one-pitch tourney with Miranda, but the truth of the
matter is that you struck out with her long before karaoke night. And by the way, my program
tells you never to use the phrase “no problem,” because there are two negatives in it. Another
mistake. It’s clear you haven’t memorized my materials, Bryant.
dead in the water
You don’t have to worry about Miranda shooting you a fishing text. She’ll never contact you
again as long as you’re on the face of the planet. Think about it: You can’t even pull off a
first date with her, so why should she call you? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East
L.A. says: “She already knows all she needs to know about you.” But if she does call you,
don’t deal with her at all. Erase her message. But do you actually think this girl is going to hit
you up two years later with a delayed counteroffer after she doesn’t show up for a date? Keep
dreaming.

You screwed this thing up when you failed to come through with that first date, guy. Then
you went for a group date when I tell you in my program no group dates. So what did you
do? You bent the rule and tried to modify it. No wonder you flopped. Don’t modify my
precepts -- just do what I tell you to do and you’ll be OK.

Remember, guys: until you have“The System” memorized, it’s not going to work.

Doc Love: Get Her Back

Hey Doc,

I became your student a few months ago out of necessity and, like most guys, at the moment
when it was too late to fix the current situation. I agree with everything “The System,”
teaches us, verifying it with some of my personal experiences and with some of my friends
who know how to deal with women.

The one thing I cannot comprehend, though, is that once her Interest Level goes down, it
never recovers. I’m currently struggling with that notion concerning an ex-girlfriend, Carrie.
When we met I was really into her, but I chose an indirect approach, so we started as friends.
There were sparks flying from both sides when we hung out together. She was the best
woman I’ve ever met, suiting me completely, physically and intellectually, and with many of
the crucial character traits you mention in your book: Integrity, Flexibility and Giving.

taking it to the next level

One time we got drunk and made out. A week later, I asked her to go steady. She was
reluctant and decided against it because she didn’t want to ruin our friendship. A week later
she called and asked me if I wanted to hang out with her, but I told her that I couldn’t be just
friends with her.

Anyway, one day Carrie called and said she wanted to be with me. That’s when we started a
beautiful relationship, and during the first two months she fell completely in love with me.
Her Interest Level was in the high 90s and she told me that I was the best thing that ever
happened to her and she started talking about our future. But then I became too available, and
it inevitably led to a drop in her Interest Level. From out of the blue came the “We need to
talk” call. Carrie said that although I was a great guy and she really had fun with me, she had
started losing her interest and respect for me, so it was for the best that we break up.

the hole gets deeper

I didn’t take it easily. I continued to call and e-mail her. I literally begged my way back into a
relationship with Carrie. She said she was willing to try one more time with me. At around
that time I found out about “The System.” Some time passed, the relationship was OK, but
not exactly like the first time. So, I broke up with her because I wasn’t happy with her
Interest Level and I figured out that I shouldn’t try to keep her if she didn’t want to keep me
in the first place.

Barely a month has passed, and although I know that I did the right thing, I still can’t get over
Carrie. I hope she’ll come back to me on her knees because that’s the only way I could take
her back. I heard she’s already in a new relationship, but I guess it’s just a rebound. Is it
possible that her Interest Level for me will start rising if I become a Challenge to her again?
Is it possible to become a Challenge when a girl at one point already saw you as a non-
Challenge? This one is worth keeping, but I just don’t know if it’s possible after all that has
happened. Coach me, Doc!

Wilmer - who’s carrying a torch

doc love's response

Hi Wilmer,

After you memorize “The System,” you’re going to discover that it’s going to cover all of
your personal experiences, not just some of them. So you have a lot to look forward to, my
friend.

Now let me explain to you how Interest Level works. Interest Level is like a rubber band. If
you stretch a rubber band until it snaps, you can never use it again. A rubber band that’s still
intact versus one that’s been broken is the difference between an Interest Level of 51% and an
Interest Level of 49%. Once the band is snapped, it’s over.

Read on to find out Doc Love's solution to Wilmer's dilemma...

You shouldn’t have taken an indirect approach with Carrie. To you Psych majors: You can’t
be friends with a woman and then switch tracks. I don’t know where that notion came into
your head because it won’t work. And by the way, you don’t “hang out” with a girl. With
“The System,” you date a girl. If she doesn’t want to date you, you move on. Like my Uncle
Jethro Love says: “Ain’t no point in wastin’ time.”

Carrie should have asked you to go steady, not the other way around. Because when she asks
you, you know it’s the right time. When you ask, however, you don’t know if it’s the right
time. But more importantly, she was reluctant because she had low Interest Level, not because
she had the altruistic motive of ruining your friendship. If her Interest Level was 100%, she
would have said, “Honey, forget friendship, I couldn't care less about that!”

don't shoot yourself in the foot

You told Carrie that you couldn’t be just friends with her? Oh, you’re just a poor little lamb
who can’t take the pain. Wilmer, why are you baring your soul to a woman who has no
feelings for you? Dumb, dumb, dumb. When Carrie called you and said she wanted to be
with you, you should have told her to get back to you in two weeks because you want to think
about it. Gosh, what a Challenge you are.

The “we need to talk” call means that Carrie’s Interest Level is down in the 40s. And she not
only lost interest in you, she lost respect for you. Why? Because you’re just a teddy bear
guy, too available and boringly predictable. Other than that you’re a really attractive catch.

And what did you do when Carrie gave you the brush? You begged on hands and knees. Did
you feel masculine begging a girl for a relationship, Wilmer? Do you actually think it’s the
manly thing to do? And do you really want a girl that you have to beg to be with you?

You know why it wasn’t like the first time? Because it’s never like the first time when you
have to beg a woman for a second chance. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says:
“Dawg, when it’s the second time around, it’s already over.” But at least it finally sank in for
you that she wanted nothing to do with you -- congratulations.

she's just not interested

Dude, why would this girl come back to you on her knees when her Interest Level is mired in
the 30s? Women come crawling back when their Interest Level is 95%. Carrie has no interest
in you, and you still don’t get it. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “If
she had high Interest Level, she wouldn’t have left in the first place.”
So, no, Carrie won’t come back to you now when you try to be a Challenge. Challenge only
works when her Interest Level is 51% or higher.

Likewise you can’t become a Challenge again once you’re not a Challenge. She keeps
track, and you can’t erase the fact that her interest has dipped below 50%. Like my cousin
General Love says: “You’re not on her radar anymore, soldier.”
the point of no return
Wilmer, I have bad news for you: You can’t keep Carrie because you don’t have her to keep.
Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “She’s in the arms of another guy making out with
him half drunk.”

Remember, guys: Unless her Interest Level is 51% or higher, you’re wasting your time.

Doc Love: She's Not Loyal

Hey Doc,

I’ve got a crazy situation here, but I think you can handle it.

I started dating Katie about six months ago, and at first all signals were go. High Interest
Level, consistent behavior and no red flags that I could see. I took my time, never texted,
spread the dates out, and made sure that they were memorable and adventurous. Basically,
everything “The System” told me to do. I took her kayaking at midnight and she loved it.
Combined with the air of mystery I gave out -- acting like a rock-solid guy, but one that “no
female could ever control” -- Katie’s Interest Level was in the stratosphere.

Things changed about 15 dates (or four months) in. And, of course, that’s why you tell us to
take our sweet old time. Katie is deadly attractive. By the 10th date she had broached the
subject of exclusivity after we left a party. “Are you still dating other people?” she ventured. I
replied, “No more than two or three a week.” She punched me in the arm and dropped the
subject. Within two more dates she had more or less declared that I was the guy she’d been
looking for, and then mentioned having children together and getting married. I responded
with, “You’re incredible, but that kind of thing is only proved over time.”

caught in the act

Then it happened a couple of days later. I went to have lunch with a buddy from the office
and found Katie sitting in the restaurant eating with another guy, which would have been no
problem if it were professional. But she was actually touching the guy’s shoulder with her
hand and leaning in toward him. She saw me walk in, and her eyes flipped back in her head
like someone on an episode of Cheaters. When she regained her composure, we greeted each
other professionally, and I managed to eat, though I was dying inside.

That night I got three voice mails from Katie, but didn’t call back. Then she showed up at my
house at 11 at night. I played it cool. “I’m sorry you saw that, but it wasn’t what it seemed,”
she said. “He was an old boyfriend who was here on business.” I told Katie that we weren’t
engaged but that it was obvious to me that she was having a romantic lunch when I saw her,
and that it was a good thing that I’d avoided becoming exclusive since “absolute trust” is at
the top of my list for a woman.

a second chance?
This all happened a week ago, and Katie continues to call me three times a day at minimum.
I’ve only picked up the phone twice, kept it Cocky and cool, but haven’t planned any more
dates, which is driving her nuts.

In the wake of this I asked around, and found out that Katie is regarded as a bit of a “serial
flirter.” I have no intention of marrying a serial flirter, and I seriously doubt I can change her.
But I miss her pretty badly, and her Interest Level still seems to be in the stratosphere.
Should I give Katie another chance, make her wait a while or throw her into the "Too Much
Trouble" file? By the way, I was planning on marrying this girl.

Jerome - who still can’t believe she's not loyal

doc love's response

Hi Jerome,

Before we get into your crazy problem, I want to congratulate you on all the things you did to
hook this girl. Your tactics were absolutely magnificent. If guys would understand how
important it is to take their time and give Challenge a chance to work its magic -- and to do it
on a continuous basis throughout the whole relationship -- they would have a lot less trouble
with women. If you can't understand how Jerome got the girl, do yourself a favor and read
“The System” immediately.

Doc Love explains why she's not loyal...

first mistake
When Katie asked you about your other women, you should have said to her, “Are you asking
me to be your boyfriend?” Then you should have closed her because she was saying in
Womanese that she wanted to be your girlfriend. And when she said yes to your question, you
should have said, “Give me a week to think it over.” At the end of that week, you should have
told her, “I’ll be your boyfriend, but on one condition.” She would, of course, have asked,
“What?” And that’s when you come back with, “Do you have any contact at all with any of
your exes?” If she said yes, then your response should have been, “Let’s just leave it that way,
then.” If, on the other hand, Katie said she had no contact with her exes, you could have
become her boyfriend.

Seeing her with her ex was what it seemed, no matter what Katie protested. So now we have
an old boyfriend lurking in the background, which is a big no-no. That’s why, when she
hinted that she wanted you to be her boyfriend, you should have brought up whether there
were any exes in the background right then and there. That way, this situation wouldn’t have
happened, and if it had, it would have been a clear signal that your girlfriend has no Loyalty.
That said, you did say the right thing when you told her that absolute trust was your No. 1
requirement in a woman. But you could have cleared it up in the beginning with a preemptive
strike.

stroking her ego

You’re not really driving Katie nuts, Jerome. You’re driving her ego nuts. Because let’s face
it, like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “If this girl had 95% Interest Level in
you, she wouldn’t have been touching another man.” It’s that simple.

Why are you talking to a bunch of people about your love life? Don’t you realize that these
people are going to inject their own agenda into what they say to you about Katie? Like my
cousin Rabbi Love says: “You can’t trust anyone out there, especially if this girl is drop-dead
gorgeous.” Dude, they probably want to take Katie out themselves. Keep your mouth shut!

Katie isn’t a flirt. You just happened to go out with a girl who isn’t Loyal, that’s all. And
she’s not a serial flirter. She just doesn’t happen to know anything about what the term
Loyalty means.

file under disloyal

Katie shouldn’t go into the "Too Much Trouble" file. She should go into the "No Integrity"
file because that’s where she really belongs.

I’m sure you were planning on marrying Katie. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says:
“Maybe the guy she was having lunch with could be the best man.”

Remember, guys: With Doc Love, loyalty is numero uno.

Doc Love: She Wants Out

Hey Doc,

I've read "The System" and I have a concern. I’ve been with my fiance, Kristi, for four and a
half years now (we’ve been living together for two of those years). Lately, things have been
really strange. I’ve noticed that she has not been wearing the engagement ring for about three
weeks now. She’s been putting in extra hours at work and stayed out late twice in the last two
weeks without telling me where she was going. When I confronted her about this, she told me
that she’s not sure about how she feels about us.

This threw me for a loop, since in my mind things were great and we were pretty solid. She
then went on to say that we are not ready financially for marriage and not ready to start a
family -- another shocker. I told her that most couples, when they get married, are not exactly
rolling in the dough initially and she needs to stop overanalyzing things. She then said that
I’m thinking with my emotions and have rose-colored glasses on. This hurt me because it
seems to me that she is looking for excuses to delay or even not marry me.

mixed messages
I’m so confused. These past three weeks have been really draining. I recently got laid off and
something tells me that this is part of the reason for all of this mess. Kristi mentioned during
one of our arguments that we were living off her dime and if she were to lose her job she
wouldn’t know what to do. This was really hurtful because it communicates that she’s
resentful that she’s paying most of the major bills. We live in a condominium that she
purchased, I don’t make nearly as much as she does and it was wrong for her to rub this in my
face.

Kristi stresses the fact that the money is not the issue and reminds me that when we started
dating I was unemployed. I’m not sure what to make of my situation and whether she
sincerely wants to marry me. Should I move out? Please coach me.

Amare - who feels diminished

doc love's response

Hi Amare,

It’s great that you’ve noticed that things are really strange. Most guys don’t notice that things
are strange until late in the game -- meaning when they’re already on the way out. My
program teaches you to notice that things aren’t right much, much earlier. In fact, “The
System” helps you keep things from ever getting out of hand in the first place.

The fact that Kristi is not wearing her engagement ring is the biggest insult she could have
leveled at you. What she’s telling you -- physically, not verbally -- is that you are out. She’s
saying that she has no interest whatsoever in marrying you. Not wearing her ring says it all,
pal. Like the old Chinese saying goes: “Actions speak louder than words, grasshopper.”

lies and deceit

Of course Kristi isn’t going to tell you where she’s going at night. Like my cousin Fast Eddie
Love from East L.A. says: “She’s got to meet some new guys, doesn’t she?” Telling you
anything will just cramp her style. Gosh, you don’t expect her to be alone after you’re out of
the picture, do you? Come on, Amare, wake up and smell the coffee.

When a woman says she’s not sure how she feels about you, that means her Interest Level is
below 50%. And that means you’re in real trouble. If you thought you were pretty solid, it
means you’re just like all the other turkeys out there. A couple of years ago Hulk Hogan was
informed by a reporter that his wife had left him. Now, at 50, she’s marrying a 21-year-old
boy toy. Poor Hulk thought things were pretty solid too, you know.

Doc Love has the reasons behind this failing relationship next...

she speaks the truth

Kristi is certainly correct that you’re in no financial position to try and start a family. But if
she was a Giver and had 95% Interest Level in you, she would be willing to work around it.
That’s the central point that you have to understand here. Obviously, she’s not head-over-
heels for you anymore -- if she ever was.

It’s a half-truth that you’re wearing rose-colored glasses. But the truth is that we do live in an
economic society. Yes, your being broke is an excuse for Kristi not wanting to marry you.
And like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “You can’t be havin’ babies when you’re broke.” But
the more important point is that she wouldn’t want or need an economic excuse if she was
wild for you. Let me give you this parallel example. When you tell a stupid joke to a woman
whose interest in you is 95%, she’ll laugh her head off. If she’s planning to dump you, your
joke is just corny. To you Psych majors: It's all Interest Level.

her true colors

When you got a pink slip from your job, it just proved Kristi’s argument. And what it means
now is that you have no position or power in this relationship at all. It’s true that if she lost
her job, she wouldn’t know what to do. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says:
“Then you could both stand in the unemployment line together.” Of course Kristi is resentful
of you. But the real reason she’s not happy paying the bills is because she has low Interest
Level in you. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “If she was on the drug of high
interest, she’d go out and take two jobs to support you.”

I don’t think that Kristi is rubbing your financial differences in your face. She’s just stating
the facts. But the facts are growing out of her feelings for you. Unwittingly, she makes a
good point that when you met you were unemployed because, as I’ve been saying all along,
when she was madly in love with you, it didn’t matter what was or wasn’t in your pockets.

That said, you do have to have money coming in. Women cannot stand guys who are out of
work. That’s just the way they’re built. And they have to be built that way because they need
to protect the family. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “To keep a woman satisfied, the more
you make, the better.”

a dose of reality
I have bad news for you, guy. Kristi doesn’t want to marry you. Yes, you should move out,
because you have nothing: You don’t own the condo, you don’t own Kristi’s heart and you
don’t own a job. Like my cousin General Love says: “So what good are you as a male?”
That’s just the way most women see it.

Remember, guys: Interest Level cuts everything.

Doc Love: Receiving Mixed Signals

Hey Doc,

I met the beautiful Crystal through a mutual friend after a wedding one night. We didn’t talk
much, but there was a lot of body language. I got her number at the end of the night, and
waited six days to call her. She didn’t answer, and I didn’t leave a message or call back.

Crystal called me a couple of days later and wanted me to hang out with her and our mutual
friend. We did, and had a fun night that ended in a kiss. Crystal and I have since gone out on
five dates, we’ve kissed on every one of them, but she is still hard to read. She had a
boyfriend that she broke up with about a week before we met. He still tries to contact her all
the time; she responds to him, and it gets confusing for me. The other day I was talking to
our mutual friend about it and told her “Your friend is really hard to figure out.” She laughed
and said that Crystal likes me. Nothing else was said.

wacky womanese
That night I got the following e-mail from Crystal: “I heard that I am hard to figure out? True!
I want to let you know that I do like you and like being around you, but at the same time I just
wanna have fun! Meaning, I’m not looking for anything serious or a boyfriend unless one day
it just happens, and it feels right. I’ve just been so tied down and in and out of relationships.
It’s hard, and I just wanted to let ya know. And I also wanted you to know that you
can always ask me stuff and I’ll always be up front and honest with you.”

I responded with “Slow down, we just met, but I am happy that you like me.” And that was
it. Doc, can you translate this Womanese for me? What should I do now?

Ennio - who still can’t read her

doc love's response
Hi Ennio,

It was perfect that you waited six days to call Crystal after reading the signs and getting her
phone number. A perfect application of “The System.” You are doing it all right, pal. So far,
so good.

Then it went all downhill from there.

Instead of calling and hanging up when you wanted a date, you should have left a message for
Crystal. The rule on this has changed. If you don’t hear anything back from the girl when you
call her, after another week you’re going to call her a second time. If she doesn’t return two
phone calls, she’s out.

Why would you hang out with Crystal and your mutual friend? This is a group date, which is
a no-no. And you shouldn’t have kissed Crystal on the first date -- you kiss the girl on the
second date. So, you’re moving way too fast, pal. Know why this girl is so hard to read?
Because she has low Interest Level in you. To you Psych majors: When the girl likes you, she
lets you know it.

Doc Love tells Ennio how to deal with this situation next...

grow up
When you tell this mutual friend of yours that Crystal is hard to figure out, you’re really
making a negative comment about Crystal and putting her down. And you’re not thinking --
as you should be -- that the comment is going straight back to her. Like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says: “You’re acting like a little boy checking up on this girl.” That’s what I
don’t like about this whole setup. It’s idiotic, not to mention immature, because your
behavior is no more sophisticated than a child’s. And like my cousin General Love says:
“And you sure as heck don’t know anything about keeping your mouth shut!”

When this mutual friend of yours said that Crystal liked you, it told you absolutely nothing.
But when Crystal mentioned that she wasn’t looking for a boyfriend or a relationship, right
there she was telling you that you were out. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A.
says: “She’s just going out with you to kill time until she finds someone she really digs.” And
that also explains why, when she does go out with you, she has to have your friend along as a
chaperone. She doesn’t want to go out with you alone because then it would be a bona fide
date. Get it, Ennio?

wasting your time

When Crystal said “it’s hard,” she was saying to you right up front that you don’t have a
chance with her. She was telling you in no uncertain terms to forget about it. And that’s what
you have to understand here. This whole escapade with Crystal and your friend has all been a
big waste of time. And here’s the proof: Crystal’s letting you know now, after the fact, that
she went out with you five times when she had low Interest Level in you.

Don’t worry about Crystal slowing down, guy. You’re the one who should be slowing down.
This babe is dumping you, and she’s trying to get it across to you any which way she can.
She’s not available because she doesn’t like you on a dating basis. With “The System,” we
don’t look for the reasons why, we just look at the bottom line. And that’s why my program
includes the Bottom Line Factor. Like I’ve always said, one of my jobs is to help you face
reality and not waste time.

the door is shut

What’s the translation of Crystal’s Womanese? Simple. She’s saying to you that you’re out
forever.

There’s nothing for you to do now except throw Crystal’s phone number into the toilet, flush
it and look for someone who has genuine interest in you.

Remember, guys: If you date a girl five times and you still don’t know what’s going on, she
either has low Interest Level or you don’t have “The System” memorized.

http://www.wsradio.com/internet-talk-radio-schedule.cfm

http://www.wsradio.com/internet-talk-radio.cfm/shows/The-Doc-Love-Show-Understanding-
Women-for-Men-Only.html

mms://madison.wm-live.abacast.com/wsradio-wsradio-32?MSWMExt=.asf

Missing articles:

Doc Love: Going out with beautiful women

How To Keep Beautiful Women Interested

Top 5 Female "Brush-Off" Phrases

Can Beautiful Women Be Loyal?

Can The System Save A Marriage?

Never Stray From "The System"

What To Do When She Keeps Her Ex Around

When Women Give You Mixed Signals

Should You Trust Her?

Never Give Women Too Much, Too Soon

How Do You Go From Friendship To More?

Never Beg Women For A Second Chance

Can "The System" Ruin A Relationship?

When She's A Pushover

Continuation
The following articles are sorted in a chronological manner.

Doc Love: Still Married

Hey Doc,

I’m really clueless as to what I should do about the situation I’m in.

I was with Kayla for over one month. We had an OK time, we enjoyed each others' company,
and we both said “I love you” to each other. She was my second girlfriend, while I’m Kayla’s
first boyfriend. We talked about my ex. Kayla was shocked that I was in a seven-plus-year
relationship that I ended not too long ago, but she was able to handle this part of my past and
we got closer. She told me that at least we were sharing, which helps to build intimacy.

still married
Well, the bad news is that I’m actually married to my ex. I recently told Kayla the truth, and
that I would be finalizing my divorce in the next few months. But she’s afraid of my
emotional baggage and how being married will affect us in the future. I assured her that it
would not affect me negatively and that I have moved on. I’m confident that I can have a new
relationship that is fruitful and can last. Kayla now says that she cannot accept the fact that I
was married before and she minds that I started a relationship with her while I was still
married. She feels that she needs time to think and we agreed that it would be better that we
remain friends, which kind of sucks. Deep down, I feel that Kayla is gone.

The worst part of all this is that we are work colleagues. Kayla is kind of withdrawn, and I
can’t stop feeling and looking sad. She does not initiate any conversation with me. She’ll
smile and respond if I talk to her, but it is not spontaneous or enjoyable. It seems that she
does not want to be reminded of me, and has stopped using the phone I gave her, too.

I’m at a loss as to what I should do now. I really want Kayla back. Doc, please coach me and
give me some hope.

Nils - who feels unfairly treated

doc love’s response

Hi Nils,

First off, let me get this straight. After only 30 days you’re actually saying, “I love you” to a
babe? Dude, you’re not supposed to ever tell a woman “I love you.” It’s the antithesis of
Challenge. And by the way, from what you’re telling me, it’s no surprise whatsoever that
neither of you have dated much.
Why should Kayla be shocked that you were in a seven-day, seven-month or seven-year
relationship? What’s the big deal? Your soon-to-be ex-wife is already gone, right? The point
is this: All of Kayla’s professed shock that you’re married is just an excuse for her low
Interest Level. And she was going to convey that low interest in one way or another at some
point. When she said “at least we’re sharing,” it sounds like Kayla was thinking that she
wasn’t all that excited about being with you and that she was thinking of something else that
could be better — like another man and another relationship.

her low interest level

All of Kayla’s concerns about you being married is really just the second reason she wants to
put distance between the two of you. Like I said, she has low interest in you, so she has to
concoct some phony rationale for why you can’t be together. Even if what you’re saying is
true — that you have no baggage from your marriage and that you’re ready to move on —
she’s not going to believe you because her interest in you is so weak. To you Psych majors:
When a woman has low interest in you, it’s going to have a ripple effect. In other words, it’s
going to affect everything that happens between the two of you.

That said, Kayla’s absolutely right that it was wrong you started a relationship with her while
you were still married, and kept her in the dark about it. You should have told her that you’d
filed the divorce papers and everything would be wrapped up in 60 days. Like my cousin
Rabbi Love says: “The reality is that you shouldn’t date while you’re still married.” You
have to wait until the legal proceedings are completely finished before you start seriously
seeing a woman. But of course, like most men, you’re rushing everything because you don’t
know how to be on your own for more than three seconds.

doomed in the friend zone

Sadly, Nils, you’re on the money — Kayla is gone. And when you’ve been dumped, women
always hand you that stuff about being “friends,” which means absolutely nothing. “Let’s just
be friends” is actually Womanese for, “I’m never going to talk to you again for the rest of my
life!”

Since you and Kayla are work colleagues, now you’ll get to face her every single day. Really
cool, Nils. That should be loads of fun. And why are you moping around? Put on a happy
face and start hustling other women, but just make sure you get your divorce papers first, of
course.

once a liar…
Your interactions with Kayla from now on are not going to be enjoyable because you
withheld information from her — in a sense, you lied to her by omission — when you went
out with her. No wonder she’s distant and feels let down. I don’t blame her. Like my cousin
Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Let’s face it, man — you’re a liar and a sneak.” Women really
hate liars and sneaks, Nils.
You gave a woman a phone after going out with her for a month? What are you doing,
keeping tabs on her already? You don’t have “The System,” memorized; I can see that, my
friend.

Guy, you have absolutely zero hope with this babe. You screwed this up from the very
beginning, you made a lot of mistakes and you don’t have my program memorized. When you
don’t memorize “The System,” these are the consequences. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
from East L.A. says: “When you don’t know what you’re doing, you get to face a girl that you
like at work for the rest of your life until one of you quits or she runs off with the boss.”

Remember, guys: Women don’t like dating married men.

Doc Love: Moving Too Fast

Hey Doc,

I’ve been brushing up on “The System,” and a few of your tips have really helped me out.
But I’ve run into something rather peculiar.

Bridget and I work together. I asked her out for a drink and she said yes. The next day she
texted me and asked if I wanted to eat some ice cream and walk her dog in the park. It went
well, we talked for a few hours, we said good night, and that was the end. I actually thought it
might not go anywhere after that.

hitting a home run

But then I ran into Bridget at work two days later, and she practically asked me out. We set
something up for a couple of days later and we ended up going out again. This time it was
amazing. I’ve been on quite a few dates, but none that went as well as this. We ate at
Bridget’s favorite place and we talked after supper for about four hours, went to see a movie,
and she made it known that she wanted me to hold her hand through the movie. I took her
hand while walking to the car, which she liked. We kissed when we got to the car. The date
lasted about eight hours, there were no awkward silences and lots of laughing, and after I
dropped her off she said she had a great time and so did I. She showed a very high Interest
Level.

Fast-forward a day. We made plans to go out and have a picnic; this was her idea. I was
going to stop and pick some food up so I asked her if she needed me to grab anything. This is
when she tells me that she’s still a little nervous about dating me, because she had told herself
she didn’t want to get into another relationship for a few months (it’s been about two months
since her last one). She said her “head was all over the place.” Then she said she wanted to
take it slow, which I told her I had no problem with. So she canceled our date to go and play
poker with a few of her friends, and that was that. Nothing was rescheduled.

taking it slow?
Doc, I’m crazy confused. One night Bridget has an 80% to 90% Interest Level and the next
afternoon she feels like a slim 50%. I’m not sure how to go about this one. How slow should I
go? Should I go totally hands/lips off and not talk to her as much? Or should I act like nothing
happened the other night and just act more like a friend?

Derelle - whose head is spinning from moving too fast

doc love’s response

Hi Derelle,

It’s good that this babe hustled you at first — it showed that she had high Interest Level. Now
let’s see how you handled that high interest, because that’s the real test of whether you
memorized my book and put my principles and techniques into action.

You shouldn’t be holding hands with this girl when you’re walking to your car. She should be
taking your elbow at most. And you shouldn’t be hanging all over each other in public. Like
my cousin Rabbi Love says: “Displays of affection should always be private and discreet.”

Derelle, an eight-hour date when you don’t even know a girl is way, way too long. To you
Psych majors, here is the progression of how long dates should last: The Starbucks date
should last no longer than 45 minutes to one hour. The first dates after that should go two to
two and a half, no more than three hours — maximum. A full eight hours is overkill in the
beginning of a relationship. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Dude, are
you trying to give away the store? You don’t even know this honey!”

is she acting hot and cold?

Now let’s look at what happened next. This girl is all of a sudden nervous about dating
you and she’s the one making all the dates? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “I think I
hear the cuckoo bird singing!”

Bridget might not want to get into a relationship so soon after her last one ended, but so what?
Nobody knows when relationships are going to happen or not happen. The point here is that
Bridget is acting highly inconsistent. Derelle, is that the kind of relationship you want?

Bridget’s asking you out all the time and now she wants to go slow? Now think about what’s
happening here logically. Pretend you’re a psychiatrist, my friend. What would you say about
this woman? And what advice would you give yourself? Does this situation make any sense at
all? Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “We all want to have our cake and eat it too. But
we can’t have it both ways.”

know when it’s over

Then Bridget calls off your date to go play cards. This is a broken date, pal. In my book it
says that a broken date means that the girl is out. Period. So it's over, and that’s all there is to
it.
Guy, in the amount of time you spent with this girl, you didn’t do all the right things. In fact,
you did everything wrong. You “brushed up” on my book instead of memorizing it. You were
using only a few of my techniques when you should have been using all of them. In other
words, you took weak, half measures with Bridget and now you have to pay for not doing
what you were supposed to do.

Actually, Bridget has a slim 49% Interest Level. There is no such thing as a 50% Interest
Level. It’s either 51% and up, or 49% and below — which means you’re out. And you’re out,
Derelle. In this case you’re out because there was a broken date and you spent much too much
time with this girl.

You can’t go slowly with Bridget now because you already went too fast and crashed into a
wall. Once you break the speed limit, it’s too late. And Bridget broke a date, which means it’s
adios, baby! So now you’re going to see her at work, smile, say “Hi, how ya doin’,” and keep
walking. That’s it. You can’t act like a friend because you’re nothing but an acquaintance.
And Bridget won’t even remember that.

Remember, guys: If you don’t spoon-feed yourself, she’s going to burn out on you.

Doc Love: Three's Company

Hey Doc,

Greetings from Scandinavia! I read “The System” a year ago, and I’ve learned a lot. Thank
you!

Elsa and I have been together for seven months. She is extremely attractive, really loves me,
and her Interest Level is up in the 90s. She would do anything for me. In return, I keep her on
her toes and keep it light, funny and cocky. I always make sure to go out with the boys, and
have several friends, both girls and guys.

moving too fast

Now here’s the rub. We are both students and we’ve moved in together. Already I’m
beginning to wonder if this move happened too soon. I feel like sometimes we are on top of
each other. Would you say that after seven months it’s too early to move in together? And if
so, how can I suggest to Elsa that it is too early without ruining the relationship? The one
time I mentioned my misgivings, she got very bummed out and sad. Now that we’re under the
same roof, how do we keep the relationship fresh, interesting and loving? How do we avoid
falling into a rut and letting everything become boring?

room for a third?

There’s one more thing I want to mention, and I’m a little embarrassed about it. A few days
ago Elsa threw me a real curve ball, as you like to say in America. She shocked me by
suggesting that someday we should have a “second” girlfriend in our relationship. She said
she thought it might be fun to be romantic with a third person and thought she would like to
try it. When I pressed her on it, she said it was just a passing fantasy.

Doc, do you think Elsa is thinking of cheating on me? I’m still trying to process her question,
and I’m getting nowhere. Any insight would be appreciated.

Bubba - who doesn’t know what to make of it

doc love's response

Hi Bubba,

You can’t say you read “The System” a year ago and expect it to have the desired effect.
You have to immerse yourself in my book on a constant basis. You have to read at least seven
pages a night and you can’t let your girlfriend know about it. Like my cousin Rabbi Love
says: “This is a continuous educational process.” So, Bubba, you can’t say you read “The
System” once a long time ago and insist that you learned a lot. You’ve got a lot more to learn,
and you have to memorize the program in order for it to have its full, proper effect on your
life.

All the things you say you did in the first seven months with Elsa were great. You kept her at
arm’s length and you were a Challenge. Congratulations. Now let’s see where you went off
the track.

cramped quarters
When you’re cohabiting, sometimes you’re going to feel like Elsa is on top of you, but a lot
depends on your actual living situation. How big is the place you’re living in? Is it a spacious
house or a tight apartment? Do you have separate bedrooms? Can you stay in one room and
study while she’s in the living room watching television so you both have some breathing
space? Obviously, the smaller the space you’re in, the more claustrophobic the relationship is
going to be. Like my cousin General Love says: “Ask anybody in a nuclear submarine.”

But on the other hand, living together after only seven months of dating is way, way, way too
soon. You’ve already made the biggest mistake of your life by moving in with this girl. But
you can’t suggest to Elsa that it’s too early now because it will ruin the relationship. Like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Since you’ve already messed it up by not controlling
yourself, the only thing you can do now is suck it up and do the best you can.”

the damage is done

Of course Elsa got bummed out and sad when you brought up your misgivings about the
relationship. You hurt her feelings. What did you expect, dude? Like my cousin Fast Eddie
Love from East L.A. says: “You’re backpedaling, and you can’t backpedal with your
girlfriend.”
You keep the relationship fresh, interesting and loving by looking up “Maintenance Program”
in the Dating Dictionary. You’re going to give Elsa respect, affection, romance, and support.
You’re going to be humorous. You’re never going to say “I love you,” and you’re going to
take her out once a week. That’s the only way you can keep this thing from getting boring
now. You have a lot of work ahead of you, my friend.

Now let’s move on to the third party that Elsa wants in your relationship. If you wouldn’t
have jumped into living together after only seven months, this would have come out
eventually, and you wouldn’t have moved in with her and gotten yourself trapped. Anytime a
girl wants to bring a third party in to spice things up, that relationship is dead in the water.
Like the old Chinese saying goes: “Relationships are for two people, not three, grasshopper.”

Hey, Elsa’s not thinking of cheating on you because she wants you involved. Like the great
Doctor Freud once said: “Your ego would not be able to handle it.” Plus, it’s not healthy
for the relationship.

it's too late

Bubba, you’ve got a massive problem on your hands here. And all because you only read
“The System” once, a year ago. If you’d read it 15 times like I tell you guys to, you wouldn’t
be in this predicament. If you’d taken the counsel of my program, which you didn’t, you’d
have e-mailed me or gotten coaching from me or solicited my opinion before you made this
big move with Elsa. But you didn’t do any of it, which means you don’t know “The
System.” And now you’re going to have to pay for it.

Remember, guys: If your girlfriend is into threesomes, she can’t be long-term relationship
material.

Doc Love: International Dating

Hey Doc,

First of all, let me compliment you on your incredible contribution to mankind’s dating skills.
I’ve been an avid follower of “The System” for years now, and it’s paid off massively. I feel
I have built a good intuitive understanding of your principles, and usually can apply them
without thinking. But now I find myself in a rather peculiar situation and I can’t really figure
out what to do.

french connection
I’m a 30-year-old professional in New York, and spent the summer doing a project in our
Paris office. There I met Isabelle, a French colleague who was on my team. She is a
beautiful, extremely smart, very independent woman. She’s also funny and has a Flexible,
Giving personality. We spent a lot of time together and had a great connection. From her
body language and overall behavior, I could sense that she liked me as well, so I could have
easily asked her out on a date. However, I knew I’d be back in New York after the summer,
and since I don’t believe in long-distance relationships, I didn’t ask her out.
The project I did in Paris was successful, and I will be relocating there next summer. Since I
really dig Isabelle and I think we could be a fantastic fit, I would love to maximize my
chances of winning her over. Obviously, in the meantime, I’m not going to let my interest in
her stop me from dating women in New York. But I do want to make sure to make her as
excited as possible about the prospect of dating me when I’m back in Paris.

I’ve been in Paris twice since, and met with Isabelle on both occasions. I kept everything
light and funny, and it felt like we were on a date (even though we weren’t). We briefly
talked about the “special connection” we had, and I said that I enjoyed her company and that
maybe one day we could have a great relationship. I realized afterward that this was probably
very much anti-Challenge. Did I make a terrible mistake here, Doc?

coming to america
In a few weeks, Isabelle is coming to New York to visit for a few days, before flying
elsewhere for business. (She suggested the visit herself.) She’s staying for two days, which
seems like an awful lot of time to fill. I’m also not sure how I can come across as a Challenge
in this situation. Spending two full days exclusively with her might make me look too
available. Alternatively, leaving her on her own for extended periods of time knowing that
she’s in New York to visit me would be rude. I’ve thought about asking her to join me for a
dinner party with friends, but that would be like a group date, and I know you don’t like that.
Also, should I let her stay at my place (which might look too eager) or should I suggest she
stay at a hotel (which might seem unwelcoming and even rude)?

This is such an unusual situation that I don’t see how I can best apply “The System” to it.
But Isabelle is fantastic, and I don’t want to ruin my chances of dating her when I’m full-time
in Paris.

Ferdy - who wants to apply “The System” all the time

doc love's response

Hi Ferdy,

Let me ask you something: You’re just working on a job with Isabelle and you’re trying to
tell me that in a romantic relationship she’s Giving and Flexible? How would you know? You
don’t have enough time in with her to make that judgment. You don’t have any time in with
this girl at all, really, and so you don’t know anything about her. It’s one thing to read Interest
Level, but how could you possibly evaluate what she’d be like in a romantic relationship?
Frankly, it’s impossible.

You should have asked Isabelle out on a date when you were in Paris. It might have been the
last date you had with her, granted, but it wouldn’t have made any difference. If you took her
out, like my cousin General Love says: “At least you would have been on her radar.” You
don’t really know where you are with her. Anything you think is just guesswork.
But here’s the bigger problem looming ahead of you: If you get something going with
Isabelle, you’re an American and she’s French. And this is potentially a huge obstacle, even
if you did happen to fall in love with each other. Are you going to move to France? Is Isabelle
going to move to America? Why start this up in the first place?

failing grades
The reality of the situation is that when you went back to Paris, you were on a date with
Isabelle. Why are you saying it wasn’t a date? And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says:
“Hey, man, I hope you kissed her when the date was over!”

When you told Isabelle that you hoped one day the two of you would have a great
relationship, you got a big, huge “F” in Challenge. You tell me that you read “The System”
and then you went and talked about the future with a babe who’s not even an American
citizen? You blew it badly here, Ferdy. And one more thing — you came on heavy with her
and you two aren’t even dating! What were you thinking? So yes, what you did was anti-
Challenge, and yes, you did make a huge mistake — times 10.

waste of time
It’s great that you had incoming interest from Isabelle when she invited herself to the Big
Apple. But where’s it going? What you’re really cultivating here is a long-distance
relationship. This is a no-no. Are you sure you read my book? Unless Isabelle wants to get a
green card and move to America, you’re frittering away your time. What if your company
decides that they don’t want you to move to Paris after all? What if Isabelle decides she could
never leave France? Like the great Doc Freud once said: “This is all a big illusion in your
mind.”

Two days is not a great amount of time to fill when Isabelle gets to New York. You can be a
Challenge by not talking about the future and how you’re going to have the possibility of a
long-term relationship like you did before. So keep it light and funny, and don’t promise her
the store before you know what’s happening. Spending only two days in New York with
Isabelle will not make you look too available — there’s not enough time as long as you keep
your mouth shut. It’s not like you’re spending 10 days together. And besides, she’s coming
across the Atlantic to see you. Show her New York and have a good time and make her
laugh. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “She’ll be gone before you
know it.” And by the way, no group dates. So forget the dinner party.

You’re not going to bring up the subject of where Isabelle is staying until she asks where the
good hotels are. You don’t want her staying at your place because it’s much too quick and
will destroy all remnants of Challenge. So put Isabelle in a hotel close to your place and
leave it at that.

make it easy on yourself

This is not an unusual situation at all, Ferdy. It’s actually very simple. What you have is a girl
from another country who you’re going to spend time with and she’s going to end up not
moving here. When you’re done with your work overseas, you’ll end up back in America and
she’ll stay in France and you’ll be back to square one.

Remember, guys: If she’s not a citizen of your country, you’re wasting your time.

Doc Love: Getting Used

Hey Doc,

I’ve been looking through your columns and trying to find a situation close to mine. Most of
the other men’s situations are missing my key problem — the other guy. I haven't read “The
System” yet.

sticky situation
I met Alita through my best friend two months ago. We’ve gone out for drinks and hung out
on many occasions. There is a strong attraction between us. Every date ends with a heavy
make-out session, but our relationship never goes further because she says she has a
boyfriend. What I don’t understand is that if Alita is willing to tell me — and show me for
that matter — the way she feels about me, then why is the boyfriend even an issue? I don’t
expect any type of relationship to come of this, but I just don’t want be led on time and time
again, only to be kicked to the curb at the end of the summer when she leaves town to go
back to school (which is where her boyfriend lives).

I told Alita, “I just wish I wasn’t being put into the friend zone,” and she replied that she
didn’t want to put me in the friend zone. Her next statement really got me, though. She said
“I just want things to stay the same until I finish school. Then we’ll see what happens.”

Doc, what am I doing wrong? How can I make this work? This is the girl every man wants
to marry, be with, love, and God knows I would do what it takes to make it work. Should I
give up hope?

Drazen - who’s going crazy over her

doc love's response

Hi Drazen,

While it’s true that I give you guys a ton of information in my columns, I also hold back a lot
because of the constraints of time and space. The vital, deeper information is in my book,
“The System.” Unless you own and memorize that essential volume, you’re never going to
successfully put all of this information together and make it work. Why? Because “The
System” is the combination to the safe that contains the truth. Like my cousin Rabbi Love
says, “The Dating Dictionary is the Bible of Romance. You’ll never know the commandments
of love without it.”
red flag
You don’t hang out with girls, Drazen. You date them. But hold it right there. You’re telling
me that you’re falling for a girl who already has a boyfriend? What you don’t seem to realize
is that Alita is not available. When you meet a girl, you have to pass the Physical Attraction
Test, she has to have at least 51% Interest Level in you, and she cannot have a boyfriend.
Without having all of these requirements fulfilled, you can’t do anything with her.

If a girl has a boyfriend and she’s kissing you, all you’re ever going to be is a boy toy,
somebody she plays with on the side while the other guy isn’t around. Drazen, what this
means is that Alita is using you, misleading you and giving you false hope. Or, like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “This woman is no good.” She has no character.
She has no honesty. She has no Loyalty. She has no Integrity. You can’t trust her. Otherwise,
she’s great! And by the way, how do you think her boyfriend would feel if he found out that
you were making out with his girl? Of course most men in America are weak when it comes
to women, so he wouldn’t have the guts to get rid of her anyway.

You ask why Alita’s boyfriend is even an issue. Let me explain it: If she really dug you, she
would break up with that guy. But he’s an idiot, and you’re an idiot, so she’ll continue
stringing the two of you along until she gets more bored with the both of you than she
already is. Making out with one guy isn’t enough for Alita. Like the great Doctor Freud once
said, “If she has two guys, she can try to fill that empty hole of low self-esteem inside her
which can never be satisfied.” And by the way, what makes you so sure that you and Alita’s
boyfriend are the only two fish she’s got on the line? What if she’s flirting with and e-mailing
other guys around the country?

she's using you

Getting kicked to the curb when she goes back to her boyfriend is exactly what’s going
to happen to you, dude. So you’ve got your answer right there — you’re not as dumb as
this situation makes you look.

Drazen, this babe is not putting you in the friend zone. She’s making out with you, isn’t she?
She has feelings for you. And she has feelings for the other guy, whose arms she’ll be in
again as soon as she moves out of town. And guess what? Odds are you’ll never see her again.

Even though Alita’s telling you that she wants to see how things turn out, nothing more is
ever going to happen between you two. But I have to give Alita this: She sure has gall to tell
you up front that she’s just using you. Of course, with your sky-high Interest Level and your
ego, you can’t even see it, so like a fool, you accept it. Plus, of course, you don’t have my
book, so you don’t know which way is up.

dead end
What are you doing wrong? Well, when a girl has a boyfriend, like I said before, she’s really
not in the game at all. How can you make this work? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love
says, “Hire a hit man and kill the boyfriend.” That’s the only way you’re going to have a
chance with this gem every guy wants to marry, love, be with, and so on.

Should you give up hope? Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, this thing was dead in
the water before it even started.”

Remember, guys: If she has a boyfriend, she’s not available.

Doc Love: Her Self-Esteem Issues

Hey Doc,

I’ve been seeing Chloe for six months now, and things have been great. She is a Beautiful
Woman who used to model in New York and Paris. She’s also a Giver. She’s bought me
things plenty of times, she’s kind to my close friends, and she takes care of her mother, who is
financially unstable. She manages to babysit terribly bratty children, so she seems to have
good potential as a mother, as well. She also has very high Integrity. Her Interest Level is in
the 90s, and she never uses Womanese. She does, however, badmouth people she doesn’t care
for. But then again, I can be the same way, so I think that’s acceptable.

but there are issues

Chloe has frequently told me I’m “the one.” In fact, sometimes she’s overbearing, which
brings me to her negatives. She can be very needy and often wants my help with her
problems. If I don’t spend the day with her, she will call me and expect me to listen to her for
at least 20 to 30 minutes. She has past daddy issues. Every time she tells me she loves me,
she must hear me say “I love you” back, or else she won’t leave me alone. When she dresses
up, she must hear a compliment from me or she will give me a hard time about it.

According to you, I should not be there for Chloe all the time. But the way I see it, it’s just
much easier for me to have a 20-minute phone conversation with her than pretend I was too
busy to take the call and then have an argument lasting at least an hour about why I didn’t
pick up the phone or call her back. The same situation applies to saying “I love you.”
Although you might say that being there for her too much and being too accommodating is
anti-Challenge and lowers her Interest Level, I think her Interest Level is so high that it’s okay
to compromise on these issues and preserve my sanity. But might I be lowering her Interest
Level in order just to avoid a confrontation?

are we doomed?
So what do you think? Is her moderate inflexibility a major problem to the relationship,
enough to cause serious problems down the road? Am I risking lowering her Interest Level
too much, or am I compromising just the right amount? You’ve said yourself that Beautiful
Women are by nature inflexible, and I don’t think she’s all that bad, so are these inflexible
traits just part of the deal with Chloe?
Nicoli - who wants to make sure this is a good one

doc love's response

Hi Nicoli,

Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Naw, it ain’t no problem to badmouth other folks. We all
do it behind the barn.” On the other hand, a needy woman will drive you bonkers. And
because Chloe is so needy, she has you playing psychiatrist, which you know, if you read my
book, I’m against.

Now I want you to think about this real hard. Chloe has you listening to her complain and
whine and whimper for a half hour every single day, and you’re going to do it for the next 45
years. You are literally going to be her shrink for the next half century. Like my cousin Sal
“The Fish” Love says, “I hope you know what you’re getting yourself into, man.”

these issues are not going away

And think about this: She’s going to take her daddy issues out on you. Daddy issues fall under
the heading of “scars" and "baggage.” Like most women, Chloe isn’t saying “I love you”
because she really loves you; she’s just saying it because she needs to hear it said to her all
the time. There’s also this: Every time she changes her clothes, you’re going to have to tell
her how fabulous she looks. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Damn,
this sounds like a lot of work. Ain’t life supposed to be easy some of the time?”

Again, you have to consider being with Chloe while constantly meeting her needs for the
next 45 years. Like my cousin General Love says: “Think about being stranded in a cabin
with her up in Alaska for a year or two.” Or like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says
“Bro, can you imagine being in the same cell with her doing life without the possibility of
parole?”

No, you shouldn’t be there for Chloe all the time. Because she should be gone. Period. I don’t
care if she’s an ex-model. I don’t care if she’s the second coming of Stephanie Seymour. You
have to get rid of her unless you want to be crazy, too. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “My
son, you’re paying for those looks. And you’re going to keep paying for them.” This babe is
what we call super high-maintenance. She’ll drive you insane over the next 45 years.
Remember, we die in our 80s today. It’s not like the old days when you croaked at 49.

If Chloe argues with you about why you didn’t pick up the phone whenever she calls, you can
only come to one conclusion: This girl is a mess.

the rules don't apply

Now let me explain something very important to you. You’re worrying needlessly about
being a Challenge to Chloe because Challenge doesn’t work with women who have low self-
esteem. A needy woman hates Challenge. Challenge only works with clinically sane, self-
reliant women, not loons. And Chloe, sadly, falls into the latter category. She has 95%
Interest Level in you, all right.
You’re not going to lower Chloe’s Interest Level as long as you keep playing psychiatrist and
give her therapy every day for the rest of your life. And as long as you say ”I love you” back
to her two or three or four times a day, she’s not going anywhere. Of course it has no value
whatsoever in the relationship, but with her low self-esteem, she’ll think it’s great. You can
say “I love you” to Chloe 50 times a day and never lower her Interest Level because her self-
esteem is in the ditch.

You call her inflexibility “moderate?” Talk about rationalizing, Nicoli! This is massive
inflexibility. Of course it’s going to cause serious problems down the road. How could it not?

Don’t fret about compromising too much or lowering Chloe’s Interest Level. Neither concept
should even be in this discussion. What you have to do is get rid of her. She’s a whack-job,
and you’ll end up hating her anyway.

Yes, it’s true that, as a rule, the Beautiful Woman is inflexible. And that’s because ever since
she was 12 years old, every male she’s ever run into has never said anything but “yes” to her.

what are you getting yourself into?

And, yes, Chloe’s character traits are just part of the deal with her. But if you have three kids
with her and are trying to run a household and you have to put up with her inflexible
neediness all the time, how do you think it’s going to work out? How much attention do you
think your kids are going to get? Or you, for that matter? I feel sorry for you, Nicoli.

Remember, guys: If you have to play psychiatrist for her, it will drive you nuts.

Doc Love: Breaking The Rules

Hey Doc,

I have a bit of a quandary here. I’ve been dating Larissa off and on for four months. On the
first date she told me it takes a long time for her to consider something a relationship. At that
time I was not the proud owner of “The System.” I set dates while I was on a date with
Larissa. I didn’t wait a week to contact her between dates. It wasn’t until a month later, after
she told me she wasn’t interested in a relationship or dating, that I ditched my ego, purchased
your book and became a member of the Doc Love Club. I saw everything that I did wrong
with Larissa. I allowed my Interest Level to skyrocket while hers plummeted.

an education
After a month alone, reading your book and hustling new phone numbers, I was constantly
troubled by what could have been with Larissa had I had “The System.” So, violating the
“back (you can’t go)” principle, I called her. We went out and had a great time. Since then,
we’ve gone out three more times, and each time, I have watched her Interest Level rise
because of my use of your techniques.
Everything is going great, Doc. Like you say, she is going to do what she wants, when she
wants to do it and with whom. I have been able to relax and let things come more naturally
and on her terms. She really does have to think that it’s all her idea — again, just like you
say.

I don’t want you to think that I am just being a sap for Larissa. I am out one night a week,
hustling new phone numbers and dating other girls, and I am seeing Larissa once every two
weeks.

scoring an invite
So here’s my question. Larissa and I went out last night and, like always, we laughed and had
a great time. Toward the end of the night, she invited me to her two birthday parties. One is a
barbecue at her house and one is at a club for a dance party. She said that all of her friends
are invited but I am getting a special invite. I don’t know if I should go because I won’t be on
a date with her at either party. On the other hand, she may consider it rude if I don’t show up
to at least one of these bashes. Larissa is chased by a lot of guys, and I am a bit of an outsider
to her social circle, so I don’t know what to expect were I to show up to either or both of
these parties.

What should I do?

Igor - who is a true believer

doc love's response

Hi Igor,

Larissa told you outright that it takes a long time for her to consider something a relationship.
So why didn’t common sense enter your mind and tell you to slow down? You were given a
fair warning right upfront, weren’t you? It’s amazing to me that you didn’t heed Larissa’s
caution and take it slow with her the first time around.

rules are there for a reason

You started out by breaking a rule, and then you went and broke another rule by calling
Larissa after she told you she really wanted nothing to do with you. All you’re doing here is
breaking rules, dude. First you didn’t have my book and you broke rules; then you got the
book and you broke rules. You’re not listening, and you’re not paying attention to what you
read. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Some men just don’t want to be coached.”

I hate to have to tell you this, Igor, but Larissa’s Interest Level isn’t rising. Her interest in you
is still below 50%. When she went out with you for a few weeks, she learned all she needed to
know about Igor. She can’t erase that knowledge now. She can’t forget all the mistakes you
made, even though you’re making none now (though you did make another major one by
trying to go back when the rule says you can’t).
facing facts
Just who do you think you’re kidding here, Igor? Of course you’re being a sap for Larissa.
She told you she didn’t want anything to do with you and yet you insist on hanging
around her. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “If sticking to her like an insect to
flypaper ain’t the definition of a pushover, I don’t know what is.”

Let’s look a little more closely at what you’re doing now. You’re seeing Larissa only once
every two weeks. If she really dug you — if she had any kind of hot interest in you — she
would insist on seeing you at least once a week. So you’re not seeing enough of this girl to
make this go anywhere. This situation is what we call a “retread.” It’s like an old tire, which
isn’t as good as a new Michelin. Larissa’s just going out with you to fill time, guy, because
she doesn’t have anyone else right now. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A.
says: “If there was someone she liked, she wouldn’t be dating you.” And we already know
she doesn’t like you, right?

It’s actually good that you won’t be on a date with Larissa at her birthday parties. For one
thing, it would be a group date, which is a big no-no, and for another, it gives you the chance
to hustle other babes. Like my cousin General Love says: “Soldier, you have to learn to see
the openings on the battlefield.”

other fish in the sea

Since you’ve got nothing going with Larissa, you’re going to attend both the barbecue and the
dance party and you’re going to be cordial to the hostess. Then you’re going to hustle her
best-looking girlfriends and get as many phone numbers as you can. Like my cousin Brother
Love down in Watts says, “Bro, you’re gonna turn her birthday blasts to your advantage.”

And when you show up to these parties, you’re going to be the best-dressed man there.
You’re going to stand out in the crowd when you hustle Larissa’s friends, and you’re going
to forget about her because she’s already forgotten about you.

Remember, guys: You get one shot per girl per lifetime.

Doc Love: Escape The Friend Zone

Hey Doc,

I’ve been friends with a girl named Ghislaine for two years, and she is one of the best friends
I’ve ever had. The problem: I’m madly in love with her and would marry her tomorrow if
given the opportunity. Ghislaine and I went on one official “date” a few months after we met,
but neither of us pursued anything more after that. She knows that I’ve had strong feelings for
her at different times, although I think she’s unsure of how I currently feel because I just got
out of a short relationship with another woman. My feelings for Ghislaine have always been
stronger than her feelings for me; however, she has told me several times that she “thought”
she had feelings for me beyond friendship and that she tells herself that she should be crazy
about me.
kiss and tell
About six months ago, we went out for dessert at a nice place. I walked her home, and I tried
to kiss her. She initially asked me what I was doing, but then got very “wishy-washy” about
it. She stuttered things like, “Well, maybe…” “I don’t know if I can do this…” “Well,
OK…” Eventually I just said, “Have a good night and I’ll talk to you later,” and I left. She
later told me she wasn’t interested in me, and things were awkward between us for a while.
So I don’t know about this.

Six months later, Ghislaine is still my best friend and I’m absolutely crazy about her. We do
things that resemble a dating relationship all the time, but have done nothing physically or
officially. All the while, Ghislaine casually dates other guys. What can I do to step this up
beyond a friendship? I’m deep into the Friend Zone, but I think there’s some potential for
attraction on her end — I just have to somehow spark it.

Thanks, Doc.

Nelson - who’s beyond frustrated and needs to avoid the friend zone

doc love's response

Hi Nelson,

Let me tell you something: When you’re in love with your friend, you shouldn’t even be
seeing her. Because what’s going to happen if you keep seeing her is that you’re going to get
frustrated — nothing but frustrated. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “This whole
scene is nothing but a waste of time, paisan.” To boot, you’re always going to be beating
your head against the wall, and every time Ghislaine mentions that she’s seeing another guy,
you’re going to be dying on the inside. Like the old saying in sales goes, “If it’s too hot in the
kitchen, get out!”

Nelson, let me ask you something: After your first date with Ghislaine, why didn’t you follow
up with a second and third date? Your problem is that you’re not utilizing “The System.” My
Book is a game plan in which you are going to have a complete strategy for dealing with a
dating relationship. You’ll go out on one date with a girl, then you’ll wait a week to go on a
second date, then a third date and fourth date and so on. At every step of the way you are
going to have clear guidelines to follow and you won’t be confused by whatever gets thrown
at you. And you’re going to continue following this tried-and-true method until the girl blows
you off — or she falls in love with you.

game over
But Nelson, you have no game plan — you have no game, period. To you Psych majors:
There will be no room for error if you follow my techniques. Like my cousin General Love
says, “All bases will be covered, and you won’t be shooting in the dark at a target you can’t
even see.”
So Ghislaine doesn’t know how you feel about her now. Nelson, what’s the matter with you?
This babe should never have known you had feelings for her in the first place. If you’d
followed my principles, you’d have known that Ghislaine should have been the one to realize
that she has feelings for you. At that point she would have asked you to not be her friend
anymore. You’re doing things, pal, but you’re doing everything backwards.

Your feelings for Ghislaine are stronger than hers are for you? What a surprise! That’s the
understatement of the century! I think I’ll let the Guinness World Records in on that one!

crazy in love or just crazy?

Of course Ghislaine should be crazy about you, Nelson — but she isn’t. My friend, the
Reality Factor says, “When you see something, believe it now.” This girl is struggling to like
you, don’t you get that? And do you know what that means? It means that her Interest Level
is only 40% to 49%. And nothing starts unless Interest Level is 51%. (P.S., that’s why you’re
only her friend!)

Ghislaine didn’t kiss you because she has absolutely zero romantic interest in you. But since
you haven’t invested in my materials, much less memorized them, you’ve been wasting all
your time with this girl. You’ve been hanging around her for two whole years. Nelson, all the
time you’ve been doing this you should have been hustling other girls who like you
romantically. But, no, you’d rather fritter your valuable time away with somebody you have
zero chance with in the romance department.

Of course things were awkward between the two of you. Ghislaine knows you dig her
romantically, and since she doesn’t dig you back, it would stand to reason that things would
be uncomfortable for her. You came on to her, she didn’t want to kiss you back, and now she
feels pressure from you. What else would you expect her to feel?

get while the gettin's good

I wish this girl had the guts to just tell you to get lost so you could go and find somebody else.
It’s sad that she doesn’t cut you loose. But she either likes the attention or she likes to play the
friendship role, and you go along with it. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says,
“Dawg, she gets what she wants, you get nothin’ that you want, and yet you still hang around
and wait for something that ain’t never gonna happen!” Now you’re up to two and a half
years with Ghislaine, and what do you have to show for it?

Nelson, doesn’t it bother you when this babe tells you about going out with other guys? And
how do you know all her dating is just “casual”? What if it’s heavy? You don’t know what
she does on her dates. She could be hot and heavy with a couple of guys and you’re totally
oblivious. You have no clue whatsoever what she’s doing with those other guys.

friend zoned out

What can you do to step this up beyond a friendship? Absolutely nothing. Like my uncle
Jethro Love says, “This thing was dead in the water before it began.” Yes, you’re deep into
the friend zone — and you’ll be there for the rest of your life. So face reality and hustle some
other girls.

But you still think there’s potential for attraction on her end. You guys kill me. This is a one-
in-a-million shot, man. You’ve been tailing this girl for over two years, she has zero Interest
Level in you and you say there’s a spark? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A.
says, “Dude, you gotta lay off the Jose Cuervo!”

Remember, guys: Once a friend, always a friend.

Doc Love: Love Or Lust?

Hi Doc,

I’ve got “The System,” which has helped me a great deal with women. I’ve been with
Sapphire for four and a half years. She’s the coolest chick I’ve ever dated and one of the best
people I’ve met in my life. When I first met her, I was following “The System” strictly, and I
won her over. The problem is that while I was really attracted to her in the beginning of our
relationship, I lost a lot of that attraction. Sapphire put on weight and stopped trying to keep
her looks together.

blast from the past

Recently, my ex-girlfriend contacted me after 12 years. Stormy is smoking hot, and I never
had any problems with physical attraction, but she was super bitchy and eventually cheated
on me. Anyway, I should have followed “The System” by never going back to Stormy, but,
like a fool, I listened to a friend (a girl) who said, “That’s a long time. She may have
changed.” So I began talking to Stormy, and, of course, she put her best foot forward and
sucked me in by stroking my ego. Since I’m not as attracted to Sapphire anymore, I seriously
thought of leaving her for Stormy, who I began to pursue. The problem is that she lives four
hours away. Talk about a double whammy! Not only did I pursue the old girlfriend, but I
pursued a long- distance relationship!

But I also know that this is all wrong. Somehow I managed to keep both girls on the hook
until just this week, when the old girlfriend informed me that she found another man. This
really is good news no matter how much it hurts my ego. Stormy is no good, but I was a
sucker for her. But I couldn’t let go of my current girlfriend because I have a twisted sense of
loyalty to her. She never treated me badly, and she really is my best friend. I’ve treated her
horribly, though, but she still holds on. In the middle of all this, I told Sapphire that she’s put
on weight and let herself go. She was hurt, but she did lose a lot of the weight, and when she
does herself up, she looks great.

it's crunch time

Doc, my emotions are all over the place. Because I messed with Sapphire so much, she wants
to be married ASAP, or it’s off. But I’m too twisted to feel 100 percent about marriage right
now. I feel like if I lose Sapphire, I may lose the best thing that’s happened to me, but the
physical attraction is not as hot as it was. My old girlfriend coming back into my life only
stirred up the feelings I had for that physical attraction and those sexy ways. At the same time,
maybe I’m looking for perfection that doesn’t exist. I’m 38, and I haven’t had kids, and
Sapphire would be a great mom. But I’m still having a tough time wanting the marriage, even
though I believe we could have a very happy life. I wish I wasn’t so superficial.

Doc, I know I’ve done some bad stuff, but lay it on me. I need to know how to handle myself.

Wilfred — who’s twisted into a pretzel

doc love's response

Hi Wilfred,

Let me ask you a question: If you’ve been with Sapphire for four and half years, how come
you two aren’t married? After all that time, you should be.

But since Sapphire let herself get fat, you sure as heck don’t want to marry her now. Like my
cousin Rabbi Love says: “At that weight, she’s not going to be a healthy spouse.” So this is
grounds to drop her now.

repeat offender
Instead, you decided to try to rekindle the mess with the super-bitchy Stormy, who cheated on
you before. Like most men, since you’re having problems with your current girl, you go to the
past for a solution. (To you psych majors, women do the same thing.) And what men do is
distort what really happened back then into something more agreeable to their present needs.
But Stormy belongs to the past, Wilfred. This disaster happened 12 years ago. She memorized
all the mistakes you made, and she can’t forget them. So it’s over. Get that through your head.
I don’t care if this stuff happened 100 years ago — you can’t go back.

Sure, Stormy may have changed, but her memory hasn’t changed. Your friend didn’t give you
good advice, guy. And by the way, you should be listening to me, not some yahoo friend of
yours who doesn’t know anything about anything.

poor decisions
It’s interesting that you realized Stormy sucked you in by pandering to your ego. Most guys
don’t understand what’s happening when they’re being taken for a ride, but you did at the
same time as Stormy was doing it. So you’re making the wrong choices when you know
they’re the wrong choices, even though you have my book. What’s wrong with you, Wilfred?

And you pursued Stormy anyway. So now you’re entangled with two girls, neither of whom
you have a chance with.
It doesn’t matter if Stormy lives next door or in New Zealand. It’s finished with her. This is
all a waste of time and has absolutely nothing to do with your problems with Sapphire.
You’ve somehow gotten it into your head that there are only two women in the whole world
and you have to choose between them. But both these two are out.

You don’t have a twisted sense of loyalty to anyone, Wilfred. You just can’t be alone. That’s
your problem. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “If you were really
loyal, you wouldn’t be chasing another chick around.” You wouldn’t even be talking about
Stormy if you were a loyal man.

And like I said before, it’s also true that it’s history with Sapphire. You’ve got four and a half
years in with a fat girl. That’s all. Your emotions aren’t all over the place. It’s your logic and
reasoning that are all over the place. Your emotions are fine.

if it's all or nothing...

If Sapphire wants to get married right away, tell her forget it and that it’s off. That way you’re
rid of both of these pieces of deadwood once and for all.

If you stay with Sapphire, the physical attraction problem is only going to get worse. Because,
like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “After she pops a kid, she’s going to be carrying
another 100 pounds around.”

The real problem here is that you’re not thinking about the possibility of a third girl. Both
Sapphire and Stormy are extinct issues. That’s what you don’t seem to get. You have to find a
girl you like, Wilfred. If you haven’t married a girl after four and a half years, you don’t
really like her. And so you have a problem. You think you can still have a happy life with
Sapphire? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “You’re off in la-la land, boy.”

And you’re not superficial, Wilfred. You just think in the short term, like most men, and
you’re run by your emotions and your high Interest Level. Other than that, you’re an average
guy.

Here’s how you should handle yourself: Drop both girls, commit my materials to memory and
find a third girl.

Remember, guys: Unless you memorize my program, you’re going to make stupid mistakes.

Doc Love: Dealing With A Breakup

Hey Doc,

I ordered “The System” this week, but I’m in need of an immediate Rx.

I was married for a long time to a nutcase, my divorce was very messy and then a mutual
friend introduced me to a Beautiful Woman, Courtney. We hit it off. Courtney was starting a
new business. I agreed to help her, and we began to get together. Then I asked her out. I
offered her three choices: two girlie ideas and a sumo wrestling tournament. She chose sumo,
and I knew I had someone special.
getting closer?
We’ve had a wonderful time together: fun dates, great trips, intimacy, etc. Because I wanted
to be closer to her, I moved within a couple of miles of her house, which is 40 miles from
where I used to live. It had gotten to the point that I thought about asking Courtney to marry
me in the next year or so. The only lingering doubts I had were that Courtney might change
her mind about our relationship, how a mixing of families would work and our financial
situations.

We both have complicated lives. Courtney shares custody of two children — one with special
needs — is starting a new business that is eating away at her savings, has been divorced for
only two years, and has no more alimony. My own business is winding down, and I’m
looking for my next endeavor, which I would like to start before making a marriage
commitment. My kids are older but still need the support of a parent (they don’t see or
communicate with their mother), and they are with me for school holidays. In addition, I
have a nasty alimony situation.

she’s says it’s over

Courtney and I have been in an exclusive relationship for several months now, but she began
to act differently a few weeks ago. I noticed her holding back, and when asked, she said
everything was OK. Finally she admitted that a half a dozen people had asked her when I was
going to propose marriage. (Her first husband had just gotten engaged, and her second
husband had just remarried.) I told her that I loved her, planned on always being with her, but
needed more time to resolve job and alimony issues.

A couple of days later, Courtney told me that the commitment issue was bugging her. She
said in a cold, matter-of-fact way, “I didn’t think it would happen, but my heart has closed.
It’s over.” I was dumbfounded. An argument, a disagreement, an ultimatum, a cooling-down
period, OK — but “my heart has closed?”

I believe you when you say that a man has one chance with a woman, and when it’s done, it’s
done. That is probably the case here, but I don’t know if Courtney did something she will
regret and whether I should leave the door open. I drafted a letter, which gives me finality. I
wrote about how I cherished the relationship, how hard it is to lose your lover, best friend and
partner, but acknowledge that once a heart is closed, it does not reopen. I conclude with "I
love you." Should I send it?

Also, I love her kids, and they have become attached to me. I don’t want to cause them any
pain. Coach me, Doc!

Sugar Ray — who’s down for the count

doc love’s response

Hi Sugar Ray,
Your first mistake with Courtney was mixing business with pleasure. You don’t bring friends
or lovers into your business, especially in the beginning. This babe is a stranger to you, pal.
You don’t even know her. And right out of the gate, you were way too available.

Your next mistake was giving Courtney a choice about the date you asked her on. You don’t
give a woman choices — you tell her what you’re going to do. You say to her, “Here’s where
we’re going, and I’ll pick you up at eight o’clock.” That’s it. To you psych majors: Giving a
woman choices is weak.

You think that because Courtney chose to watch two fat, nearly naked guys grappling, that it
makes her special? You think that enjoying 500-pound men trying to force each other off a
mat makes her unique? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Man, you’re grabbing at straws!”

way ahead of yourself?

If you'd moved closer to Courtney’s house after a couple of years, I could understand it. But
you've just met this woman. What’s wrong with you, Ray? And why were you thinking of
asking Courtney to marry you? You’re way, way ahead of yourself. Let Courtney ask you to
get married. Because it’s the woman’s Interest Level that counts, not yours. Like my cousin
Sal “The Fish” Love says: “It sounds to me like you’re doing all the work.” You’re helping
her out with her business, you’re giving her choices for dates, you’re moving close to her
house — so how is this babe chasing you? Dude, you’re the antithesis of Challenge.

If you kept Courtney’s Interest Level in the 90s, you wouldn’t have to worry about your
financial situations, and mixing families and whether she’d change her mind about you. She
would overlook all of it if she were really gone over you.

Guy, you don’t have enough time in with this woman to be pursuing marriage. Until you get
at least two years in with her, you shouldn’t even be thinking about it. And if you have a
nasty alimony situation, whatever you do, don’t tell your new love about it. Don’t bring up
your ex or get negative about your financial burdens.

is she the right one?

That said, with all of her problems, Courtney sounds like a real prize, let me tell you. What
you’re saying is that she has all kinds of baggage and that she’s broke since her alimony ran
out. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Maybe she’s doing you a favor by
getting rid of you. Did you think of that?”

Now here’s something you’ll learn when you commit my book to memory: When the woman
begins to hold back, that means you’re on the way out. And why does she care when you’re
going to propose? She has a mouth, doesn’t she? Why doesn’t she propose to you? Why is
she bringing up what strangers think and say? Or what her loser exes are doing? And she’s a
two- time loser at marriage already, so you two are off to a really great start.

her low interest level

When Courtney informed you that her heart had closed, it meant that her Interest Level went
from 51% to 49% and that you’re out. It’s over. You should have gotten my book three years
ago so you would have anticipated and understood all of this — that’s where you dropped the
ball, cowboy.

Why would Courtney regret what she did when she doesn’t care about you? It doesn’t make a
lick of sense, Ray. People regret things when they like you. Courtney doesn’t like you
romantically anymore, which means she doesn’t regret a thing. Besides, like my cousin
Brother Love down in Watts says: “She’s already on the lookout for the next guy since her
alimony is gone.”

The letter you wrote for “finality” is called begging. Begging lowers Interest Level even
more. Writing a love letter to someone you’re already on the outs with is a waste of time.
You ought to think about your own pride, if you have any left. And by the way, you don’t say
“I love you” to a woman. So don’t send the letter. Throw it in the fireplace and start a fire
instead. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “Your fireplace will be warmer than this wench’s
heart.”

Courtney’s kids have nothing whatsoever to do with her Interest Level, so forget them. She
doesn’t care if you cause them pain, since she’s dumping you, so why should you care?

Remember, guys: Once a woman closes her heart, you’re finished.

Doc Love: Her Wandering Eye

Hey Doc,

I bought your book three years ago, and it has helped me in meeting many women and
evaluating relationships. But I’ve always been worried by the fact that even if a girl has high
Interest Level in you, she can still desire other men. I’ve had girlfriends who planned on
marrying me but admitted to talking to or flirting with guys they found attractive.

It seemed rock-solid
The most recent example is Krystal. She’s a cute girl but isn’t hot. I introduced myself after
seeing her glance at me on the train a couple of times. After four dates, she announced that
she loved me. I remembered to remain a Challenge and did not return the “I love you,” which
is fine with her. Krystal has a high Interest Level in me. Her eyes light up whenever she sees
me, she cooks for me and she gives me massages. I trust her for the most part because unlike
previous ex-girlfriends, she doesn’t actively go to clubs and bars to meet new men. She
always lets me know of her activities.

We’ve dated for approximately seven months, and she plans on marrying me in three years
when I’m done with graduate school. But it really bugs me that I always catch her glancing or
staring at other guys (especially shirtless guys in the summer). How can I take her or any girl
seriously when they still have physical desires for other men, even when we’re at the peak of
our relationship and are extremely happy?
Do all eyes wander?
Once, at a restaurant, she stared at a guy sitting behind me for five minutes, which really
ticked me off. She worked on it and didn’t do it for a while, but soon resumed her habit.
Should I accept that humans have multiple desires, or should I get rid of Krystal? Some girls
are not to be trusted, but my intuition tells me she is deeply attached to and in love with me.
And I am aware that there are lots of girls in happy relationships and marriages who flirt for
attention or confirmation of their attractiveness.

The reason that this is an issue is because I know that if Krystal looks at an attractive,
confident guy, he might approach her, and something might happen. If I marry her, that could
be a relationship break. Should I accept her wandering eye, or move on?

Chandler - who has his doubts

Doc love's response

Hi Chandler,

Let me correct you on something straight out of the gate. If a woman has high Interest Level
in you, she cannot desire other men. A clinically sane woman does not want other men if
she’s in love with you. Period. The reason your ex-girlfriends flirted with other guys was
because they weren’t in love with you. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Your exes
were in love with the three billion other men on the face of the planet.”

Face the facts

Now, let me get this straight. After only four dates, Krystal declared that she was in love with
you? Now think about this logically, pal. How is that possible? Like my cousin Fast Eddie
Love from East L.A. says: “No way, Jose!” And like the great Doctor Freud once said: “A
woman who says she loves you after four dates has a screw loose.” And this is the key to why
she’s looking at all these other men. That said, you were smart to not return the “I love you.”
It shows that you have some common sense and that you’re learning a little something.

You don’t really trust Krystal, Chandler. To you psych majors, you can’t trust any woman
until after six months — and only then if there are no red flags. A woman has to earn your
trust. You can’t toss trust out like a used tissue. On the other hand, it’s good that Krystal is
open with you and lets you know about her activities. But like my cousin Brother Love down
in Watts says: “What good is it? She can’t stop checking out other dudes.”

In the eye of the beholder

Krystal’s incessant gawking at half-naked guys with six-pack abs indicates that you have a
massive problem. If this babe is in love with you and has 95% Interest Level in you, why is
she salivating over other guys at all? Let me explain something to you, my friend. When a
woman’s Interest Level in you is through the roof, you’re the most handsome guy on the face
of the planet. Just ask Ringo Starr and Keith Richards. Even those muscle-bound guys in
Speedos at the beach can’t compete with you when her Interest Level is 95%.
And let me explain something else to you. You’re the only one who’s extremely happy.
You’re the one who’s at the peak of the relationship; she’ s in the valley of it. That’s why she
can’t keep her eyes off other men in various states of undress.

Your future together is crystal clear

Krystal only stared at that fellow in the restaurant for five minutes? That’s nothing! You’re an
uptight guy, Chandler! Your problem is that you’re too jealous and possessive. But seriously,
of course you were ticked off that she dissed you. Who wouldn’t be? And when she resumed
her habit of staring at other guys after you called her on it, that’s when you should have said,
“Adios, Krystal!”

Girls don’t have multiple desires when they’re in love with someone. So you have to get rid
of Krystal now. Your intuition isn’t telling you that Krystal is in love with you; it’s your big
ego that’s whispering in your ear. And like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “A man’s ego is
the devil.”

The guys married to wenches who can’t stop flirting because they need confirmation of their
attractiveness are miserable. Think about it, Chandler. Is that the way you want to live for
the next 40 years? Because her habit is only going to get worse.

Protect yourself
Even if something never happens between Krystal and another guy, why does she need the
attention of complete strangers? The only way you’re never going to get burned by Krystal is
if you dump her. Forget about marrying her — this girl gets an “F” in loyalty and trust.

Remember, guys: If she doesn’t have eyes only for you, she’s out.

Doc Love: Trust Issues

Hey Doc,

I’ve been reading your column and listening to your show for a while now, and I have an
issue that I really need someone of your intelligence to help me with. You’re pretty much my
last hope to keep this relationship alive.

Committing The Crime

I’ve been dating Chelsie for two years, and two months ago, she told me about this guy she
liked. He would tell her he loved her, and she would flippantly reply, “I love you.” About a
month ago the guy decided that he would kiss her, which led to one thing and another. The
way I found out about this was that she came to me crying that it wasn’t her fault that he
kissed her. I then confronted the guy, and he confirmed that he kissed Chelsie and told me to
“go to hell.”

In my opinion, Chelsie’s Interest Level in me is way higher than the interest I have in her.
I’ve decided to try and continue our relationship even though I was shattered by what
happened. I lectured her constantly about it, which made her break down and cry. She was
horrified that she let the situation with this other guy get out of hand. I love Chelsie, and I
really want this to work out. She swears that the only reason she interacted with this guy in
any way was because he pestered her constantly.

Forgive And Forget?

So Doc, should I dump Chelsie? If I want to work it out with her, what would you
recommend? Finally, how can I forget about this later in life if Chelsie and I don’t work out
or even if it does?

Syd — who doesn’t want to lose his trust in her

Doc Love's Response

Hi Syd,

Now, let me get this straight. You love my show, you follow my columns, you’ve got a
problem with a woman, and you don’t invest in my book? Hey, it makes sense to me! You
sound like a real winner, pal.

The sad thing about this situation is that you’ve been going with a girl for two whole years
and now she tells you about a guy she “likes.” Like my cousin General Love says: “If you
can’t see this massive red flag, soldier, you have to be blind.” It’s practically smacking you in
the face, Syd.

Lack Of Loyalty
Chelsie’s wonderful revelation speaks to the character quality of loyalty — as in, her lack of
it. And the worst thing about it is not that there’s another guy she likes — though that’s bad
enough — but that she has the guts to tell you about it. Know what that says about you, Syd?
Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “She knows that you’re a wimp and has you so
wrapped around her finger that you’ll go along with it and try to ‘understand’ her.”

Then she has the chutzpah to tell you that she “flippantly” admits to this other guy that she
loves him? ”I love you” is the most sacred phrase in a woman’s vocabulary, and she
nonchalantly throws it back at this other guy when she’s supposedly in love with you. Like
my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Wow. She sounds like a real gem.”

Diagnosing The Disorder

What you don’t seem to understand here, Syd — and you would if you’d read and
memorized “The System” — is that this guy who’s kissing Chelsie is not the problem.
Actually, you should be buying the guy a box of candy or some flowers, because he brought
to light a negative trait in your woman, which makes her no good to you for the long haul.
So he really did you a big favor here.

Guys always attack the other guy in these situations. They forget what the real point is — that
their girlfriend led that other guy on. Think about it, Syd. Chelsie didn’t tell this guy to go to
hell. She didn’t say, “Hey, I’m deeply in love with Syd, so leave me alone!” Don’t kid
yourself, my friend. Chelsie fed off this situation. There was something about it that she dug,
which was why she went along with it. Common sense dictates that if you don’t like
someone,
you tell the creep to get lost. So, like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Between the ears, your
girlfriend is a cuckoo.”

But above all, she can’t be trusted. She has no loyalty, and she’s not trustworthy. Other than
that, I think she’d be a great mother to your daughter, as she’d be the perfect role model to
teach her about right and wrong. Uh, right.

See It For What It Is

You think Chelsie has more interest in you than vice versa? Syd, you’re out of touch with
reality. You’ve got the situation exactly backward! You’re upside down here. Her
Interest Level is 51% and yours is 99%!

To you psych majors: You don’t continue a relationship with a woman who’s untrustworthy.
Chelsie has demonstrated beyond the shadow of a doubt that she can’t be trusted. And you
have to understand that the woman can’t be just 98% or 99% trustworthy. She has to be 100%
trustworthy for you to hang on to her. Chelsie gets an “F” in the subject of trust.

Syd, you don’t lecture a girl when she lets another guy kiss her. You walk; that’s all you do.
She was horrified that the situation got out of hand? Wrong! She knew what she was doing
the whole time. She was feeding off this guy. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “These
two are in a symbiotic relationship.”

You can’t try to make this work out, guy. Chelsie can’t be trusted as far as you can see her.
Period. She claims that the other guy pestered her constantly? That’s really funny. She must
have left out the part where he was waving a .45 at her and forcing her to kiss him.

A Simple Prescription
What should you do? Dump Chelsie. I recommend walking away from her right now. You
can’t forget about what happened here, now or 50 years from now. And until you memorize
my materials, you’re going to walk around in a state of confusion like 90% of the men out
there.

Remember, guys: Any time you can’t trust a girl, you’ve been with her too long.

Doc Love: Dating An Older Woman

Hey Doc,

I’m a longtime reader, and I think what you’re doing to help joes like us is awesome.

Here’s my situation. I met Claudine at work. She seems like my type of girl — sarcastic and
slightly jaded on the outside, though I can tell she’s a big softy like me on the inside. We see
each other in the workplace, but we don’t actually work with each other, so there isn’t really
that dating-a-coworker problem.
No Playing Games

Here are my two issues. First, I’m usually really good at hooking the girl, but I’ve had
trouble with reeling them in, so to speak. I’m the type of guy who doesn’t really like playing
games, and I let women know who I am straight out because I figure if they don’t like me for
me, then there’s no point in dating them, and it’s just wasted time. I play cocky, but I’m a big
softy on the inside. I’ve gotten mixed results; most girls really dig it, but some haven’t. So I
guess what I’m asking is, how should I approach the first date with Claudine?

An Older Woman

Secondly, there’s the age difference between us. I’m 20, and Claudine’s 25. I’m kind of
worried that the age difference might come into play here. I can’t foresee anything specific,
because she doesn’t seem like a bar diver or a party girl. My friends and I can get pretty
goofy, but she seems to really like me for my goofy self. Also, what can a 20-year-old and a
25-year-old do on a first date that would be fun? Any ideas?

Lace — who’s just getting back into the game

Doc Love's Response

Hi Lace,

First of all, how do you know this girl is a big softy on the inside? You only see her at work,
you’ve never taken her out, and you’ve never even sat down and talked to her for an hour.
Heck, you don’t know the first thing about her except for her name and where she works!
Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “You’re just projecting here.”

Also, how do you know Claudine’s not a bar diver or a party girl? You’ve never even been
out with her! You’ve judged this girl, and you know nothing whatsoever about her — she’s a
complete stranger to you.

And “reeling them in” is exactly what my techniques are all about. Most guys can get a girl to
like them at the beginning, but that’s where it ends. They can’t keep them, or as you say,
“reel them in.” That’s where “The System” comes in — and that’s why you need my book.
In those pages, you’ll get every technique you need to hook and land a woman, and keep her
for the long run.

So what are you waiting for, Lace?

To Be Or Not To Be Honest

Now, this whole thing about letting women know who you are, warts and all, is a complete
pile of garbage. To you psych majors: You don’t tell a girl on the first date that you rob
banks. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You tell her after she falls in
love with you. Then she can’t leave.” You’re not supposed to give her any negatives
whatsoever. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “At the beginning, it’s a cat-and-
mouse game.” So when you tell me you’re completely up-front with women, I know right
then and there you don’t know the first thing about them.
Getting Ahead Of Yourself

Don’t worry about your first date with Claudine. Take it one step at a time. Go up to her and
get her home or cell phone number. Without the phone number, nothing’s going to happen,
and nothing’s going to start. So that’s the very first thing you have to do. Like my Uncle
Jethro Love says: “Don’t go puttin’ the cart before the horse, boy.”

Now, let me explain something to you. The age difference between you and Claudine is not
as simple as five years of chronological time. She’s actually 35 to your 20. Since she’s a
woman, she has 10 years' lead time on you. So Claudine is actually 15 years older than you. If
you were 50 and she was 55, it would be no big deal. But you’re a 20-year-old kid trying to
go out with a 25-year-old woman; she’s far ahead of you on the maturity scale. And never
forget that romantic relationships are the female’s turf, not the man’s.

It's Time To Man Up

Don’t be a goofy kid around Claudine, Lace. You can’t act like a fool when you're with a 25-
year-old woman, because she won’t think it’s cute. Those kinds of antics are only amusing
to 17-year-old girls.

Instead of trying to take Claudine anywhere on a first date, you’re going to meet her at
Starbucks and talk to her for an hour. You have to pass the first interview before you get on to
the fun things. You have to see if you’re any kind of match for Claudine. You have to see
whether her eyes light up when she’s with you. You have to see if she’ll reach out and touch
your arm or leg. You have to see whether she says, “I’d really like to see you again.” Until all
that happens, don’t get ahead of yourself.

Remember, guys: Most guys don’t make it past the first date.

Doc Love: She's A Liar

Hey Doc,

I just started reading your columns so I haven’t had a chance yet to read “The System,” but
let me describe my situation.

I’m a 22-year-old American guy dating a Bengali girl, Kala, who is also the daughter of very
conservative religious parents. We’ve been dating for just about a year now, and she lives
with me at my parents’ house. Her family knows nothing about me or that she is involved
with anyone, and they’ve tried pushing her into marriage and even found a guy that they
want her to marry. This is the custom in her culture, and she told me a while back that she did
not want to marry this man.

Secret Conversations
Let me tell you how this issue came up. I was using her laptop because she let me borrow it
when mine broke. I came across a folder containing conversations with this guy her parents
had found for her. She was telling him that she was going to marry him and all kinds of other
things. I confronted Kala about this, and she said she told him these things so her parents
would back off her for a while and that she didn’t want to marry him. I refused to just
accept it and told her I wanted her to e-mail him and tell him she wasn’t interested in him at
all and wasn’t going to be with him, which she did in front of me.

Accepting Gifts
A few months went by, and we were next to each other with our laptops when I glanced over
and saw her e-mailing the guy and asking him to send her these colored contact lenses she
wanted but refused to let me buy for her. I said nothing at the time. A few weeks later, she
told me that her cousin was going to be sending her the contacts and I said, “Oh, really? I
thought that other guy was sending them.” She got all mad and flustered and tried to deny it,
but then said she didn’t tell me because she didn’t want me to get angry.

Am I crazy or should she not be asking for and receiving gifts from other guys, especially one
her family is pushing her to marry? This happened two weeks ago, and I have yet to get over
it. The whole situation screams that I am a sucker, but I don’t know what to do, especially
since Kala lives with me. I sometimes worry that she stays with me just for a place to live. On
top of all this, I’d have to convert to her religion in order to be with her long term. So am I
being a sucker, Doc?

Jericho — who's in deep

Doc Love's Response

Hi Jericho,

Wait a minute here. It would take you all of three minutes to order “The System” via the
internet, so why don’t you have it? You’ve got a huge problem on your hands here with Kala,
and you haven’t had a chance to order my program? What are you waiting for, my friend?
More torture and torment? I don’t get it.

Having Kala living with you is the biggest mistake you’ve made in your life, dude. To you
Psych majors, you don’t live with a girl you barely know. Whether or not your parents are
there is beside the point. The biggest problem with this arrangement is that you’re murdering
challenge. But, then again, you don’t read my book. Hey, makes sense to me!

Arranging a marriage for children is a tradition in many cultures. This would be no big deal if
the girl has a 90% Interest Level in you; she would buck her family’s wishes. But Kala's not
doing that. And that tells you something.

You Can't Trust Her

When you found the computer folder containing Kala’s e-mails to this other guy, right then
and there you knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that she is a liar. Like my cousin Brother
Love down in Watts says, “Bro, you should throw her out in the street and never talk to her
again.” Jericho, don’t you understand what’s going on? Kala’s lying to you. When a girl lies
to you, she has no loyalty. She’s talking to another man behind your back, which means she’s
dishonest. So she’s out. Done. Finis. Over. There’s no other way to say it.
But Kala swore that she did it so her folks would back off her. So that means she’s lying to
her parents too. This is just great! She wants her folks to back off for a while? How about
you back off for a while? And how about telling her to get lost forever?

Why are you having Kala e-mail this other guy? You don’t want her e-mailing anybody,
Jericho. All you want to do is get rid of her right now. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “This
one’s dangerous, my son. She’s a pathological liar.”

Stop Being A Pushover

And so she has to be out, like I said. Of course she e-mailed the other guy in front of you. But
like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “As soon as you turn your back, she’ll write him
another e-mail saying she changed her mind.” Come on, pal. Wake up! And you’re the guy
who hasn’t had a chance to read "The System" yet! Gosh, you’re really smart!

Not only did Kala lie to you once, she’s lying again because she’s still conversing with the
other guy! Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Do you need this other guy
to move into your house with you and your girl before you finally catch the drift?”

The reason Kala didn’t tell you — or do anything — about the other guy has nothing to do
with you getting ticked off. She didn’t tell you anything about him because she wants to keep
him on the line. That way she gets to have two boyfriends. She has her parents’ choice and
she has the guy she lives with. And you go for it, Jericho! This Kala’s pretty smart, isn’t she?

I’ll tell you why you’re crazy, Jericho, and it’s not because Kala’s taking gifts from other
guys. You’re crazy for staying with her. You’re not a sucker; you’re a triple sucker. Why not
toss her? Tell her to beat it — goodbye! Inform her that she has a week to pack and find
someplace else to live. Of course she’s staying with you just for a place to live. This babe has
no interest in you. She’s only interested in what her parents want her to do and this potential
husband. You’re just a big stooge.

Remember, guys: If she’s a pathological liar, she’s not really good material for a long-term
relationship.

Doc Love: Just Friends

Hey Doc,

I’ve been a reader for some time. Love the work!

I’m looking for advice on pouncing on a girl I failed to win over last time. I’m 25 and have
had plenty of success with women, but there are very few who I’ve found to be long-term
material.

Nowhere to go

Two months ago, I met Marcella on the bus. She was interesting and interested. After
getting her number, I went out with her, and the date went great for a while. We went to a
restaurant and left smiling. She seemed to follow me around, and I knew she was interested
in me.
Unfortunately, because I was new to the area, I didn’t really think ahead about where to go
and what to do. I started to leave decisions in her hands, and we ended up getting a movie and
going to her apartment to watch it. Her interest dwindled slightly, but she was still into me.
Then, on the next date, I made the mistake of going along with her to dance with her and her
friend. I got tired, and since I don’t like crowded spaces, I came across as not taking charge
enough. I asked Marcella if she’d like to get together again and got the “as friends” slammer.

Failed Attempts

I texted Marcella a few times since then and got responses but never successfully made plans,
so I just gave up for a while. It’s been a month since I spoke to her, but I keep seeing her on
the bus. I flirt with other girls and just ignore her. Now I’m thinking about taking another
stab at Marcella. Do you think I should just give it more time? And if I do approach her, is
bringing up the last date a taboo subject?

Alain - who still feels the challenge

Doc Love's Response

Hi Alain,

You don’t really love my work. What you really mean is that you like my work. If you truly
loved the work, you’d own “The System” — and you don’t.

When you say you’ve found few girls who are long-term material, you’re also indirectly
saying that these girls have never found you to be long-term material. Have you thought about
that?

You didn’t have a solid game plan for dating Marcella. In fact, you didn’t have any plan at all.
Most guys don’t think ahead in relationships. They only look at their feelings at the time, and
they never look down the road. They have no type of foresight or wisdom whatsoever about
where this relationship might be headed. This is like going into war without a plan of attack.
Like my cousin General Love says, “When you march onto the battlefield unprepared, you
invite disaster.”

And, sure enough, you relinquished control pretty much immediately and ended up at
Marcella’s apartment with nothing in mind except for a movie. Like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says, “In other words, it wasn’t long before she started wearing the pants and you
started wearing the dress.” Well, that’s great, Alain. That’s guaranteed to raise Marcella’s
Interest Level.

The price of being unprepared

What is interesting is that you actually noticed that Marcella’s interest in you was going
down. Despite that huge red flag, you still didn’t say to yourself, “I’ve got to get a hold of
Doc’s program right away and try to figure out why her Interest Level is in a tailspin!” You
never asked yourself what was really going on, and you didn’t reach out for the one thing that
could actually help you — my book.
And as so often happens when you’re shortsighted and unprepared, you compounded the
situation by making another mistake. How in the world do you go out on a date with a girl
you like and get “tired"? Why would you go out on a date in the first place if you were
bushed? And, of course, this was on top of committing the blunder of going out with one of
Marcella’s friends in tow. No group dates is the rule, but you weren’t aware of it. Third, you
don’t ask a girl if she wants to get together; you just assume you’re going to get together.
You name the place and time, and say, “Is it OK to pick you up then?”

Just friends

When you heard the words “as friends” fall from Marcella’s lips, it meant her Interest Level
had just gone from 51% to 49%, and you were out forever the instant she uttered them. Like
my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If she wants to be just friends with you, it
also means that she will never have anything to do with you again, even if you were the last
man on the face of the earth.”

You shouldn’t just give up trying Marcella for a while, pal. You should give up on her
forever. This thing is done. It’s over. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says,
“When you hear the word ‘friends,' it’s the kiss of death.”

No Second Chances

You can’t give this thing even one minute more because you’re done. Finished. What you
don’t understand is that Marcella doesn’t even give you a thought anymore. When you cross
paths on the bus, you don’t even register for her. She doesn’t see your face; she sees another
guy’s face. You’re a complete stranger to her. This is what most guys never understand. To
you Psych majors, once you blow it with a girl, you don’t even exist for her. You just blend
into the traffic and the passing scenery and all the other passengers on the bus.

No, Alain, you’re not going to approach Marcella. Why? Because it’s a complete waste of
time. And if you did, why would you bring up anything negative, like the last date? All you’d
be doing would be putting yourself down. Why would you want to do that? What’s patently
obvious to me is that you don’t know the first thing you’re doing, dude. How long are you
going to wait before you put an end to your confusion?

Remember, guys: If she wants to be just friends, you’re out.

She's Insecure

Hey Doc,

I’m a new reader. Let me briefly tell you about this nightmare I entered.

I liked Mia, a girl I know at work. Her ex cheated on her and treated her really badly. She had
no friends in town, so I set her up with a new apartment, and she finally got away from him.
She was incredibly grateful to me and fell completely in love with me. As I thought she was
not ready for a relationship, I decided to book flights to try and forget about her and go and
see an ex, thinking Mia would take the hint. But a few days later, things changed, and we
started dating and got romantic. Mia is really insecure, and I was really nice to her.
Secret visits

Anyway, things seemed to be going well. Then all of a sudden, Mia started bringing up that I
went to see my ex. She just couldn’t get over the fact that I had these flights already booked
and couldn’t get out of them. Then she started to meet her ex in secret (she said nothing
happened between them, which I believe). She kept telling me that she was falling in love
with me but was too scared to do so because of what happened the last time between her and
her ex. I changed from being the chased to the chaser, and like a moron, became super
submissive to her.

Mia then broke up with me. She said I should go and see my ex again, forget about her, and
said I deserved to be happy. She added that we had to stop seeing each other and that she
needed to be alone. After a long debate (dumb, I know), we closed it quite amicably by saying
we could just be friends.

Her ex messed her up

Question: It’s obvious that Mia is confused and has trust issues, but do I still have a chance
here, or did I blow it by becoming too submissive? Do you think a lack of attention from me
could bring Mia back? I treated her really well and gave her a lot of attention (she said this
initially attracted her to me). Do you think her initial Interest Level can be recovered, or is it
too much to expect after her scumbag ex messed her up? I know I played it poorly, but I just
did not expect to fall for Mia this badly — which I told her, by the way.

Stewie, who doesn’t know where to start

Doc Love's Response

Hi Stewie,

Let me explain something to you. When you set a woman up that you want to date with a new
apartment — or wash her car or fix her computer — what you’re doing is sliding down into
“friendship” mode straight out of the gate. In other words, you’re trying to up her romantic
Interest Level by doing things for her. But you’re not there to be her plumber or her mechanic
or her computer tech or her real estate agent. You’re there to raise her Interest Level, and
that’s all. To you psych majors: When you act as her “helper,” you’re broadcasting your high
Interest Level, which is anti-challenge. So you made a serious mistake here right from the
get- go.

Why are you going to see your ex? Your ex is ancient history. And why are you blabbing to
Mia about an ex? You’re not supposed to talk about other women to the one you want to
date. I know you thought Mia would take the hint when you brought up your ex, but your
thinking is all wrong. Somehow you figured that telling her you were going out with an ex
who lives so far away that you had to fly to see her was going to make Mia like you more. It
doesn’t make sense. And if Mia was a nice, trusting girl, it was a stupid move.
She's seeing her ex

On the other hand, if Mia is really an insecure mess, that means she’s out. Like my cousin
Rabbi Love says: “Insecure women don’t make good wives.” Period. That’s it.

You know why Mia started bringing up your flights to see your ex? Like my Uncle Jethro
Love says: “Because you told her, you big bucket-mouth!” And yes, you could have gotten
out of those flights if I gave you a million dollars, right? So don’t say you were somehow
trapped into seeing your ex, because it’s B.S.

Now let me get this straight. Mia started seeing her ex in secret? You mean the ex who
abused her and treated her like crap? Gosh, Stewie, this girl is even dumber than you!
Because you go and see an ex, that means she has to go and see her ex? Like my cousin Sal
“The Fish” Love says: “What is this? A game of tit for tat?”

Mia is a flat-out liar when she says she’s too scared to fall in love with you because of
what happened with her ex. She started meeting him again, didn’t she? Why would she do
that if she'd had such bad experiences before?

You can't be friends

Nevertheless, instead of running for the hills when she displayed this behavior, you turned
around and became supersubmissive to Mia. Very good — at least you learned something
from my book, even though you don’t have it. But seriously, Mia did you a favor when she
broke up with you; you just don’t see it. Guy, you’re not going to be friends with this babe.
You’re going to be cordial when you see her on the street and say hi and goodbye and nothing
else. Friends talk to each other two or three times a week, and you two aren’t going to do that.
Like the old Chinese saying goes: “‘Friends’ is the most misused word in the English
language, Grasshopper.”

You’re right about one thing: Mia does have trust issues. But you’re wrong when you say
she’s confused. You’re the one who’s confused. She just has trust issues.

Forget it

Do you still have a chance here? Dude, you did everything wrong. Like my cousin General
Love says: “When you do everything wrong on the battlefield, you can’t expect a good
outcome, soldier.” No, a lack of attention from you won’t bring Mia back, because once
Interest Level hits 49%, you’re gone. And you’re gone, pal. All that attention you lavished on
Mia may have attracted her to you, but it didn’t make this thing last, did it? Her scumbag ex
didn’t mess her up. You messed up by making every blunder in the book. If you'd done things
right and Mia didn’t have trust issues and she wasn’t insecure and she was clinically sane,
you’d have had a chance. But there’s way too much going against you.
One last thing: Why are you telling this girl who doesn’t care about you that you’re in love
with her? You say that you played it poorly with Mia. So then why don’t you do it
properly next time? The only way to do that is to get a hold of my program and memorize
it.

Remember, guys: If you don’t do things right from the beginning, you’re dead in the water.

Play Hard To Get

Hey Doc,

I got Kimmy, a gorgeous and socially booked girl, to pursue me. She’s a ceramics artist, rich,
a bit of a local superstar here in Peru, and is very busy with grand invitations almost every
single night. Our third and fourth dates got very romantic. She kept saying, “I feel like I’m in
heaven!” Interest Level: 95%. She practically begged me for the fifth date.

But something happened on that date, and she got a bit cold, and although we returned to my
house and finished off a bottle of whiskey, I ended up escorting her home in a taxi. Interest
Level down to 85%. Then she begged me for a sixth date. We went to a club, but just before
we got there, she broke the news that she was going away for two weeks. Well, the club was
popping, and we had a fun time but got into a few little spats — she was acting cold, dancing
with her back to me, not looking at me, and so on.

Sending her gifts

I started sending her flowers and small gifts, like chocolates. The day before she left on her
trip, I sent her a single red rose and a reading lamp for her eight-hour bus trip. After she got
back to town I waited a week before asking her out. We went to a concert and dancing, but
she was cold every time I touched her. I asked what was bothering her, and she didn’t
answer. I asked her if she wanted to go to my house and she mumbled, “I can’t.” I was ticked
off. In the taxi on the way home, she took my hand and said, “But I really enjoy spending
time with you!”

Wussing out
Then I wussed a bit. Rather than returning cold with ice, I sent her a few messages with
famous love songs. I texted her a few times asking how she was doing and got zero response.
A few days later, she wrote, “I have been really busy. I will let you know when I have time.”
Interest Level between 45% and 60%. A few days later I responded with, “Better I tell you
when I have time!” That was two weeks ago, and there’s been zero contact since.

I know I made mistakes, but I believe Kimmy’s Interest Level will be back up to 65% if I
make the right next move and then play Challenge to get her back up to 85%. I need advice on
my strategy, Doc. How do I re-kindle the flame?

Ernesto - who knows he can win her back

Doc Love's Response

Hi Ernesto,
First of all, you shouldn’t have gotten so romantic with Kimmy so soon. Instead of coming
on so strong with her, you should have just kissed her at her door. But like most men, you
have no self-control, and that character flaw will always lead you straight into trouble.

When Kimmy got a bit cold with you, you shouldn’t have returned to your house with her.
Once you saw that she was being distant, you should have backed off. Next, you should have
turned her down for the sixth date. That’s what would have upped her Interest Level. You
don’t understand this because you haven’t memorized "The System," but the word “no”
drives Interest Level up. You went along with Kimmy’s interest in you because it was
incoming, but it was the wrong time to do that.

Then you started getting into little fights with this babe. Let me explain something to you:
Women with low Interest Level start spats. Women with high Interest Level don’t. And what
it means is that you’re on your way out. Ernesto, you’re seeing this girl too much and you’re
doing the wrong things — a deadly combination. Now I know for sure that you don’t have
my book.

When Kimmy was dancing like you weren’t there and refused to talk to you, you should have
taken her straight home — to her place. To you Psych majors, when you’re not having fun
with a woman, cut it. But instead of backing way off, you started sending her gifts. Big
mistake. Interest Level is taking a dive, and you’re sending gifts? That’s the worst thing you
can do, pal. And you kept sending them. This girl isn’t your girlfriend. You don’t give gifts
unless she’s already your girlfriend. To boot, you’re having all kinds of problems with her.
What sense does this make?

You shouldn’t have called Kimmy when she got back to town from her trip. Instead, you
should have waited for her to call you. And when she was cold every time you touched her,
you shouldn’t have been touching her. Like I always tell you guys, she should be touching
you. But again, you don’t know that since you don’t have “The System.”

Getting it all wrong

Ernesto, you never ask a girl what’s bothering her. When you have to do that, it means you’re
finished. You’re never going to get the truth from her. She’s not going to come right out and
tell you that you’re turning her off.

Then you compounded your errors with more errors. When Kimmy was treating you like
crap, you shouldn’t have asked her if she wanted to go to your house. Keep the dates short.
When she mumbled that she couldn’t go, it meant you were out. And when she told you that
she really enjoyed spending time with you, it was Womanese for “This is our last date!”

You wussed a bit? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Dude, you’ve been
wussing the whole time!”
But instead of toughening up, what did you do? You sent Kimmy love songs. More begging!
If you're begging, you’re on the way out. Ernesto, what’s wrong with you? All you do is hurt
your cause with all of this begging. Being on your knees all the time makes you look like a
wimp, and no clinically sane woman likes that. What you’re supposed to do at this point is
withdraw. You can’t up her Interest Level by mailing her love songs. Like my cousin Sal
“The Fish” Love says, “In her mind, you and love don’t go together.”

When you got zero response to all your texts, it meant you were finished. Like my Uncle
Jethro Love says, “All you’re doin’, boy, is beatin’ a dead hoss.” When she told you that
she’d call you when she had time, it was just more Womanese for “Don’t ever call me
again!”

You can't get her back

I got more bad news for you. Kimmy’s Interest Level isn’t even near 60% now. Her Interest
Level is more like 39%, pal. And you know what that means — finito! But you told her it
would be better if you contacted her when you were free. Aw, you’re pulling a macho play on
someone who doesn’t even like you. You’re a tough guy, Ernesto. I’m impressed.

And what’s the result of all these wrong moves? There’s been no contact between the two of
you since. Don’t worry: Kimmy will get back to you sometime in the next 20 years.

Ernesto, if you knew you made mistakes, why did you make them? Here’s the problem with
wanting a new strategy: When Interest Level is below 50%, you’re out. Nothing will work
now. When her interest was dropping from 95% to 51%, you could have salvaged it. But
below 51%, it’s hopeless. You can’t rekindle her flame.

Remember, guys: When you’re out, there’s no way of winning her back.

Long-Distance Relationships
Hey Doc,

I’d been seeing Brenda, a single mom with two kids, for a short while. We live about 45
minutes away from each other and had a handful of dates. She admitted to me that she’s been
seeing someone who lives in her town and that she’s felt herself growing closer to him.

distance and dating

Now, how much of an issue is distance when it comes to dating? I don’t think 45 minutes
away is that far. Alternatively, I’m hesitant to date anyone outside of my city, but in the event
I meet someone from out of town again, I’d like to know how I might handle it better. There
aren’t many options here in my town.

I also want to add that I always seem to get stuck at three or four dates with a woman, and
this happens at about the one-month period. The only one that didn’t end in that period of
time was a short-term “fake” relationship where the woman went back to her ex, later married
him and divorced him. This has become quite frustrating for me because it seems like I can’t
even get into a relationship with a woman.

Everyone tells me all the stupid cliches: “Don’t try so hard.” (I don’t.) “Girls don’t like the
nice guys.” (I’m not your typical nice guy.) “It will happen when you least expect it.” (I’m
not expecting anything.)

Doc, I’m 30 and would love for my luck to change. I sometimes think I would benefit from
having someone right alongside me to help me, but I have no clue how to begin with that.

Thank you for your time.

Marcellus - who’s hit a wall

doc love’s response

Hi Marcellus,

Whoa. Wait a minute here. You’re telling me that you’re dating a woman who is telling you
that she’s seeing someone else and that her Interest Level in this other guy is going up?
Doesn’t that tell you that you’re out of this long-distance relationship? Like my Uncle Jethro
Love says, “Boy, she’s usin’ a bullhorn right in your face!” And doesn’t that tell you that this
whole thing is all a waste of time? Doesn’t this tell you that you’re coming in second in the
horse race? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Nobody remembers who
comes in second at the track. Only the winners pay off.”

do long-distance relationships work?

To answer your question about long distance, the truth is that it’s a big deal. To you Psych
majors: If you live 5 or 10 minutes away from a girl, it’s easy to date her and use Challenge.
But when she lives 45 minutes to an hour away, you naturally will have to see her less and
your planning has to be much stricter. Basically, everything is much harder in a long-distance
relationship. How do you handle this situation better? You can’t. The girl has to live closer to
you. The rule is that the shorter the distance between the two of you, the better off you are. As
far as the local options are concerned, you haven’t met every girl in your town, have you,
Marcellus?

The reason you keep getting stuck at the one-month period with girls is because you’re doing
things wrong. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “What happens is that the girl likes
you on the first date, you’re pretty good on the second date, on the third date things start
going downhill, and by the fourth date, you’re out.” This happens to lots of guys. And it
happens because they say and do all the wrong things because they don’t have my program,
"The System." And this is apparently what’s happening in your case, my friend.
getting past the fourth date
Marcellus, you have to be a pretty sharp guy because you’re able to get phone numbers, and
you’re getting these girls to go out with you on a few dates. Most guys don’t get past the first
date, so that tells me that you’re doing at least some things right. But you have to get to 10 or
12 dates with a girl in order for it to have the possibility of going somewhere, and you’re not
doing that. That means that the words that are coming out of your mouth by dates three and
four are turning the girl off.

Regarding your so-called “fake” relationship, what does that tell you about going back? The
woman you had a long-distance relationship with dropped you because you did things wrong,
but she couldn’t be alone, so she went back to an ex who did things wrong and married him.
And while they were married, the guy continued to do things wrong, and then she divorced
him. So maybe she’ll come back to you now, right?

I know you’re frustrated because you can’t get into a relationship, pal. But, like I said, if
you’re getting three or four dates, you’re doing at least something right, so don’t lose hope.
As my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “The problem is that you can’t carry the ball
over the goal line.”

heard it all before

When women break up with you, they usually speak in Womanese, which is always
confusing for guys. “I’m not ready for a relationship," "We have to talk," "I just want to be
friends.” There are a dozen of them, and all women use the same lines. In other words, they
are not going to say to you directly how you’re messing up, but those cliches are telling you
that you’re doing something wrong.

Marcellus, the only thing that is going to help you is "The System." Then you have to read it
once a week for 15 weeks. Then you will have all the help you need, believe me. That will be
me standing right next to you and helping you along. And you will finally understand what’s
going on between yourself and women. What’s going on with you is not a matter of luck, guy.
You’re making blunders and you’re saying the wrong things. Again, you do get a handful of
dates, so you’re not all that bad off. But by the fourth date, your dates' Interest Level has
dropped from 85% to 35%.

Remember, guys: Unless you memorize my program, you will always hit a wall.

Her Guy Friends

Hey Doc,

I have to say that I really enjoy reading your columns. I have your thinking down pretty well,
and I’m lucky enough to have a good friend who has the best luck with women to help me.
But I’ve run into a problem and I don’t know what to do, so could you coach me?

a happy beginning
I met Heather three months ago when I went out to a nightclub. She and I danced a lot and
had a total blast. She gave me her home number and asked me to call her. I didn’t even have
to ask for it, so I must have done something right. Heather is the kind of girl that I’ve been
looking for all my life. I’m not a young man, Doc. I’m older and I’m really particular about
what I like, want and will put up with. Anyway, Heather is all I could ever want and a bag of
chips.

I’ve maintained Challenge with Heather the entire time. She told me she loves me, and I fell
down only once and told her that I loved her back — my bad. But it didn’t slow her down,
and she just smiled and laughed every time we had a date (which was more times than you
recommend, but they were all quality dates and we had fun every time).

her guy friends

Now here’s the problem: I called Heather two days ago to ask her out on a date for our usual
night. But a friend she hasn’t seen in many months (who lives and works out of town) called
her up out of the blue and said he wanted to get together with her. She offered to let him
crash at her place. The issue? Heather broke our date and her friend is a guy. Heather is a girl
with guy friends, Doc. I have no problems with her having men as friends since I’m not a
jealous person and she’s told me that she loves that about me. She happens to have a lot of
guy friends, but I can’t get it out of my head that she broke a date with me to go have a
couple of beers with this guy. I am angry beyond belief here. I don’t know if I should just
kick her to the curb or do what my heart says, which is not to worry about it and let her have
a night with a friend. I do love Heather and care for her more than any other girl I’ve dated in
years, but I won’t stand for disloyalty. What should I do?

Mikhail - who can’t decide

doc love’s response

Hi Mikhail,

First of all, I’m glad you have this buddy whom you call “lucky.” The real truth of the
matter is that he isn’t lucky. He’s either what we call a “natural” or he’s studied my
techniques from "The System" and committed them to memory. Like my cousin Fast
Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “There’s no such thing as luck when it comes to women.
You either know what you’re doing, or you don’t — that’s all there is to it.”

But I do like the fact that Heather came at you with her home number without your having to
ask. This shows extremely high Interest Level straight out of the gate. A very good sign.

her lowered interest level

And at least you know that you fell down on the job when you told Heather that you loved
her. But like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You’re only supposed to tell a babe you
love her on your wedding day.” So you have a long way to go, Mikhail. Now this faux pas
might not have slowed Heather down on the outside, but something very important happened
on the inside: Her Interest Level slipped from 99% to 90%. Her Interest Level may be still in
the 90s, but it’s no longer 99%. Why? Because you were anti-Challenge when you blabbed
that you loved her. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “She got it out of you,
dawg!” And, by the way, how many times has she heard that line from other guys? No doubt
she heard it from all the guys she dropped before you picked up on her, my friend. And
you’re also, by your own admission, seeing her way more than you should be. You're
breaking the rules. So you have “I love you,” and you’re seeing her too much — and you
have the nerve to call yourself a Challenge? In whose book? So why should you be having a
problem with this babe, Mikhail? She’s completely in the dark over whether or not she owns
you. Yeah, right.

less of a challenge
Sure, your dates with Heather were high quality and loads of fun – for you. But like I said
before, Heather’s Interest Level has dipped since you became something less than a
Challenge. And her low Interest Level is the only thing that matters.

And now here’s the proof of what I’m saying: She’s letting her guy friends crash at her pad.
Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “This isn’t kosher.” To boot, she broke a date with you to
do it. If she broke a date with you in the first 10 or 12 weeks, she would have been history.
But since she has three months in with you and way more than the usual number of dates, she
knows she can get away with it. So there’s a much more serious problem here, and it’s this:
Women with high Interest Levels don't break dates. Heather might be a girl with guy friends
who loves the fact that you’ll let her hang out with them, but this is a huge red flag,
nevertheless. And a red flag is a red flag is a red flag.

Why does Heather have lots of guy friends when she has low interest in them? Women with
low Interest Level don’t keep all kinds of guys hanging around.

Look at it this way, pal. If Heather said to you, “I like this guy, but he can’t stay at my place
so I’m going to pay for a hotel for him,” that would have been one thing. But she didn’t say
that. Why is she not thinking that way? In fact, her thinking is the direct opposite. She’s
willing to break a date with you to be with this other guy — at her place. To you Psych
majors, for most women, loyalty goes with high Interest Level. And so she must be thinking,
"Why should I be loyal if I don’t dig the guy?" And that means you. And why would she
rather spend time with this other guy, who is just a friend, rather than with you? That’s
something else to think about, Mikhail.

Remember, guys: Women with high Interest Level don’t break dates.

Playing The Field

Hey Doc,

I’ve read "The System," and I have to say I love your book, especially for pinpointing bad
women. Now here’s my problem: I dated Savannah for five years. At the same time,
however, I also got involved for two years with a smoking hot blonde named Eva (I was
playing the field). Eva and I had some pretty awesome moments. She was totally in love with
me, even though she was only 19 at the time. She knew I was in a relationship, and since I
didn’t break up with Savannah, Eva started to lose interest in me (and I did the same with
her). I finally broke up with Savannah, and afterward, Eva and I started to see other people, as
did Savannah.
This past summer, Eva and I ran into each other at the same parties, and we started to go out
again. After four months, we got into a serious relationship. Eva said she was happy to finally
experience something that she’d wanted for so long.

Not on the the same page?

Eva is 21 now and I’m 26, and we’ve been dating for almost five months, even though it feels
like a lot longer. I usually sleep at her house, and sometimes I think we’re too attached and
I’m too available. We “play fight” a lot and try to show each other that if we ever did break
up with each other we’d be OK on our own. That’s because we are both very attractive and
we constantly get pursued by the opposite sex. Alternatively, Eva talks a lot about having a
child, getting married, buying a house, etc. I usually go along with it, but I have a problem
with the way she was raised and sometimes I think she’s rude, not very polite, immature, and
gets angry too easily. Another complication is that my mom doesn’t like her. We are both
very into the club lifestyle, but lately we’ve let this slide and have been living an almost
married life.

I’m not sure what I feel for Eva, but lately I’ve been thinking that I really don’t want to be
without her. Doc, am I investing in a relationship that’s not going to work out? What’s your
opinion?

Don - who has his doubts

doc love’s response

Hi Don,

You started going out with Eva when you were already involved with Savannah, and that
tells me one of two things: You didn’t have interest in the woman you were dating for five
years, or you’re just a young guy who likes to play the field and you’re definitely not ready
to settle down. Be honest, Don. If you had 80% Interest Level in Savannah, you wouldn’t
have been going out with Eva. And if you were really interested in Eva, you would have
hung on to her.

You were involved with two women, and they both went on to date other people. This, again,
tells me that either you’re not ready to settle down, which is fine, or that neither of these
women really held you. If you had high Interest Level in either one of them, you would have
stuck with one of them.

no going back
You might have started going out with Eva again, but it’s pointless because it’s already over
whether or not you know it. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You’re beatin’ a dead horse
here, my boy.” Why is it dead? Because you can’t go back. You can’t go out with a girl,
disappear and then come back again. It doesn’t work that way. To you Psych majors,
whenever there is inconsistent behavior, it means the relationship is finished. When Eva said
to you that this was what she wanted for so long, it was really just an illusion in both of your
minds. As far as a long-term relationship with this girl is concerned, you had it with her in the
past, and it didn’t work out. It was over then — which means it’s over now.
It’s OK to be too attached to a girl, but it’s definitely not OK to be too available. If you’re
hanging around Eva all the time, you’re lowering her Interest Level because you’re not a
Challenge, in spite of the fact that you have my program. You shouldn’t be spending so much
time with her anyway. Are you sure you memorized my book, Don?

When two people are in love, they don’t “play fight” and pretend to break up. You’re toying
with each other's egos, dude, and to no good end. In addition, Eva is just 21 years old. This
indicates to me that neither of you are very mature and that you’re not ready to settle down.
That’s the crux of the problem here.

no future ahead
When you give me a laundry list of all of Eva’s bad character traits, it tells me loud and clear
that you shouldn’t have a child with her. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “She’s just a child
herself.” And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “When a girl has that many negatives,
you shouldn’t even be around her, let alone want to marry her.” You better get a grip on
yourself, buddy. And that’s not all. You and Eva are both into the club lifestyle — and you
want to marry her after only five months? What’s wrong with you, Don?

When you say you don’t know what you feel for Eva, it means you don’t love her. Simple as
that. But you swear that you don’t want to be without her. Guy, even though you’re 26, face
the facts: You like dating a bunch of babes and playing the field. Again, there’s nothing
wrong with it, but that’s the reality of the situation here. You talked about two different
women you were trying to get serious with, but the truth is that you’re not really ready to get
serious yourself.

And, yes, you’re investing in a relationship that’s not going to work out. So why waste Eva’s
time and yours?

Remember, guys: If you’re into the club lifestyle, don’t fool yourself into thinking you want
to get married.

She Is Using You

Hey Doc,

I always read your articles, and I’m going to buy the “The System” very soon, I promise. But
before I do that, I have a problem with my current girl, and I think it’s getting worse.

Here’s my story: Gen has been with me for two years. She is very kind, and we love each
other very much. We met in England and then had to return to our home countries for
university work. She is from China and I’m from India, by the way. Nowadays, whenever we
speak, she always asks me about her schoolwork first and gives very little attention to mine. If
I have not done her work for her, she gets very angry and there are arguments. We used to
just argue before, but now the arguments have become outright fights.

crack the whip

Worse, whenever we speak on webcam, she tries to control what I should do. She tries to
impose her ideas on me, and if I don’t listen, she gets annoyed, furious and ends up crying.
She tells me that I don’t think her work is important. (She is finishing her dissertation and I
am a graduate student in the same subject, so I write her papers for her.) I changed her
dissertation three times according to her adviser’s comments, but each time there was a
problem and Gen got angry with me and said that I didn’t think her work was as important as
mine. If I try to tell her gently that I have my own business to manage and must earn money
for us as well, she accuses me of having changed from the way I used to be.

Gen and I have decided to get married next year, and our families are very excited. Doc,
please coach me because I don’t know what to do.

Kumarr - who feels beaten up

doc love’s response

Hi Kumarr,

When you say you’re going to buy “The System” very soon, you act as if you’re going to
have to go out and dig a ditch that’s 40 miles long, 30 feet deep and 18 feet wide. The truth
is that all you have to do is go on your computer and order my book. It will take all of 90
seconds. So what’s the delay? What does “very soon” mean? But, hey, maybe you don’t
really need my program. Maybe you’ve got it all under control. Let’s take a look.

You tell me that your problems with your girl are bad and getting worse. So what are you
doing about it? Kumarr, “The System” would help you understand why they’re so bad —
but, again, you don’t see the need to buy it. As I’ve told you guys before, my columns shed
light on certain aspects of dating. In order to get the full effect of my coaching, you need to
memorize my book, because that’s where all the answers to your dilemmas about women are
contained.

it’s all about her

The reason Gen doesn’t give your work any thought whatsoever is because she’s a taker and
she’s selfish. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “These are two traits in a woman
that you don’t want to live with.” If you had my program, you would see this right away. But
you don’t have it, so you don’t know which end is up. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “A
man without the proper guidance is nothing more than a lost soul.” You say that you and Gen
fight a lot. In other words, you’re going out with what I call a women's prison guard. Like my
cousin General Love says, “She has certain orders for you, and if you don’t carry them out,
there’s going to be hell to pay.” Man, does that sound like fun. Kumarr, this is another trait
you never want to have in a woman in a long-term relationship. But, again, you don’t think
it’s necessary to invest in the single program that can save you from this anguish.

I hope you realize that all the fighting you’re doing with Gen now is only going to get worse
when you get married, pal. All of this is going on long distance and by webcam? Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “I’d hate to see what she’d do to you if you
were in the same room together!” I have to say that Gen is a really good selection on your
part, guy.
Gen is also a control freak. That also makes for a great relationship. But then she breaks
down and cries after these terrible scenes. I’ll bet that when she cries, you get right in line,
Kumarr, don’t you? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Is this girl lookin’ for a butler or is she
lookin’ for a mule?”

An obvious mistake
When Gen tells you that you don’t think her work is important, it’s a barefaced lie, because
you help her. So you two are not on the same wavelength here, buddy. In fact, you’re not
even on the same planet.

Nevertheless, you cave in and write her papers for her, even if Gen does not appreciate
anything you do for her and she never thanks you for helping her. Again, I have to
congratulate you on your excellent choice for a long-term match. Like my cousin Brother
Love down in Watts says, “You really hit the jackpot with this one, dawg!”

I got news for you, Kumarr: This girl is a spoiled little brat. Apparently you hadn’t figured
that out yet.

After all of your efforts to keep her happy, when you point out that you have your own life
to tend to and that you need to earn money, Gen accuses you of being Dr. Jekyll and Mr.
Hyde. Are there any psychiatrists in China? If there are, this girl should definitely see one.

Despite all of these danger signs, you and Gen have decided to get married anyway. Hey, it
makes a lot of sense to me, especially from her end! So let me ask you this: Are you going to
tie the knot before or after you get “The System”?

Remember, guys: As soon as you get married, all your problems will be magnified tenfold.

She Is In A Relationship
Hey Doc,

I’m a new student of "The System," and I have to say, it’s really helping me understand the
differences between men and women when it comes to dating. The concept of Challenge is
something every father should teach his sons.

That said, I’m in a tough bind here. I’m a Ph.D. student, and there’s this great girl, Caprice,
who’s in my close group of friends at school (we met this semester). She has a boyfriend who
helped her move in at the start of school, so I never went for her.

her interest level is on the rise

Fortunately, or unfortunately, I guess I was being a natural Challenge to her by not being
interested, and her interest in me grew when she found out I was dating other girls, especially
girls she didn’t like. She then started asking me to hang out with her more (when they like
you, they make things easy for you, as you say). One night at a bar with friends, she even led
me away from the group to dance with her, and we almost ended up making out (I pulled
away because I didn’t want rumors to spread that I was a girlfriend stealer). Should I have
talked to her about that night? I didn’t because I thought she would just deny everything by
saying she got drunk. After that night, she avoided me for a bit, but lately she’s been trying
to get my attention again (for example, she never used to text me, now she does quite often)
even though she is in a relationship.

I’ve read your columns about situations like this, and you tell the guy to just make a move.
Ask her out on a date, and walk away. The issue is that Caprice and I are in the same small
social circle, and I don’t want to “walk away” and lose the rest of our friends for something
that could be nothing. Do I remain unmoved and continue being just friends to see if she
breaks up with her boyfriend? Do I try bringing up the night at the bar (which was months
ago now), or should I just make a move and ask her out?

More importantly, should I even bother with girls like this? Caprice seems great in Flexibility
and Giving (she’s easygoing and bakes treats for all of our friends), but if I do manage to
steal her away from her boyfriend right now, wouldn’t she be flunking the Loyalty test?

Looking forward to your response.

Franco - who’s trying to play it smart

doc love’s response

Hi Franco,

Sure, the concept of Challenge should be taught by all fathers to their sons, but the problem is
that the fathers themselves don’t know what the concept of Challenge is. Like the great
Doctor Freud once said: “When a father goes home every night and takes orders from his
domineering wife, he doesn’t have the first clue about Challenge!”

Guy, you shouldn’t go for Caprice for one simple reason: She’s not available. Now, you have
to be honest here. You say you weren’t interested in Caprice, but the truth is that you are.
You’re just not showing you’re interested in her. It is great that Caprice’s interest in you
seemed to increase when she found out you were dating other girls. This is fabulous —
exactly what you want, man. But you shouldn’t have hung out with her. This is where you
made a big mistake. You gave this girl time when she wasn’t available. To you psych majors:
You give a girl time when she doesn’t have a boyfriend. So again, you made a massive,
massive error here.

When Caprice led you away from the group to dance, you shouldn’t have gone with her. You
should have told her “I’m not going. I’m staying right here.” Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
from East L.A. says: “You let this girl lead you around like you were a little puppy dog.” And
then you almost made out with her? In other words, you would have been making out with a
girl who’s making out with another man. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Don’t
you feel funny kissing a guy?”

is she available?
Your problem is not being a boyfriend stealer, dude. Your problem is that this girl has a
boyfriend. You can’t steal a girl unless she’s available, Franco. Maybe Caprice’s Interest
Level in you is 55%, but until she gets rid of this other guy, she’s not on the market.
No, you shouldn’t talk to Caprice about that night in the bar. You never bring up heavy
subjects — it’s dumb. You’re not supposed to drive Caprice into a corner and make her feel
uncomfortable about what she did that night. You might think you’re a student of “The
System,” Franco, but you don’t actually have it, do you? The main thing is that you’re not
supposed to be spending any time with this babe unless it’s just “hi” and “goodbye” when she
walks by you at school. That’s it.

When Caprice texts you, why are you texting her back? She is in a relationship. This girl is
really none of your business, pal. I'd never tell you to just make a move when a babe has a
boyfriend. You must be reading some other love doctor’s advice.

she’s not on the market

You can’t walk away from anything in this situation because Caprice hasn’t dropped her
boyfriend. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “I don’t know where you’re getting such
delusions of grandeur.” Yes, you should remain unmoved and wait until she breaks up with
this guy — you finally said something smart! Again, you can’t ask her out because she has a
boyfriend.

You’re right about something else: You shouldn’t be involved with girls like this at all. The
only thing you should do is make sure that when Caprice sees you with other girls, they’re
laughing hard and having a great time.

How do you know Caprice is so great at Flexibility and Giving? You haven’t been out with
her even once! How can you possibly evaluate character traits in a woman when you’ve never
dated her? You can’t; it’s impossible. My friend, you need to memorize “The System,”
because you’re off in la-la land.

Franco, you’re not going to steal this babe away from her boyfriend. She’s not leaving, OK?
That’s the deal.

Remember, guys: When she has a boyfriend, she’s not available.

Spot The Red Flags

Hey Doc,

I’m in need of some of your coaching. Recently, I met Janine, a waitress at the local coffee
shop. She struck up a conversation about a football game. As the next few months passed, I
got to know her better through our short conversations. She always showed a lot of interest in
me, asking what I did over the weekend, who I went out with, etc. She also tried to signal
numerous times that she was single and that she shared similar interests with me. Although I
realized she wanted me to ask her out, I decided not to because I wasn’t sure whether I really
liked her as more than a friend. Eventually, she asked me out to a movie, and I made up some
excuse. I turned her down and could see that she was hurt by my response. Soon after this,
her interest in me began to fade. But my interest in her began to grow, and I realized that I
actually liked her and cared about her a lot, so I decided to ask her out.
you want what you can’t have
When I did, Janine was very rude to me and turned me down by saying that she would go out
with me one day when she had the time. A few days later, she apologized and explained that
she did like me and wanted to go out with me but was dealing with problems from the past
and did not know what to do. As it turned out, she decided to get back together with her ex-
boyfriend, and she started to treat me coldly. Annoyed by this, I decided not to go to her
restaurant anymore.

When I did eventually go back weeks later, her demeanor was completely different and it
has been ever since. She’s been all over me, talking, flirting, etc. She also explained that she
was off for five days and didn’t have anything to do since her boyfriend had to work. She
seemed to mention him reluctantly.

I am really confused and don’t know what to do. I like Janine (she’s stunning, by the way) a
great deal, and she knows it too since I told her so. I also think that she still finds me
attractive and knows that I care about her. I can tell from the look in her eyes that she does
feel something for me, but I’m not sure what it is. Is she having second thoughts about her
boyfriend and, therefore, lining me up should she decide to end it with him? Is she just
playing mind games? Or does she feel pity for me and just wants to be friends?

Should I spot the red flags here? I am not sure where I stand with Janine and how I should
deal with her going forward, especially if I have such strong feelings for her.

Kemp - who is scratching his head

doc love's response

Hi Kemp,

When Janine came at you hard at the beginning, you should have asked her out anyway, even
if you weren’t sure how you felt about her. You should have taken her to Starbucks, gotten
her out of her normal environment and saw how you felt about her after one date. With her
coming on to you that strongly, you should have at least given her that one shot and seen if
there was something in her personality that you liked. Then you would have avoided all the
mess that ensued afterward. But you didn’t.

Of course Janine’s interest in you began to fade when you rejected her. Why should she dig
you when you turned her down for a date? But then you changed your mind and decided you
wanted to take her out. You’ve got a problem, Kemp. There’s something wrong with you.
This girl backs off from you, and all of a sudden you see the light? When she rebuffed you
she punctured your big ego. That’s what really happened.

spot the red flags

When Janine told you that she would go out with you when she had the time, you should have
seen that she was an uptight woman — a big red flag. To you Psych majors, you don’t want
to get involved with an uptight woman. Women turn guys down all the time, but when Janine
got rejected, she threw a little tantrum and treated you like crap. When a woman — or
anybody — acts rude to you, they are out forever.
Worse, when Janine let it drop that she was dealing with problems from the past, it meant she
had scars and baggage. This girl has heavy mileage on her, and she’s a psycho. So why are
you pursuing her?

To boot, now there’s an ex-boyfriend in the picture. And she’s going back and forth with you
like a yo-yo. There’s a boyfriend and inconsistent behavior on top of rudeness — another
two reasons not to get involved with Janine. Do you really need any more?

Then she reversed gears and draped herself all over you, chatting, flirting, etc. My friend, you
sure have a short memory. Someone is surly to you, and you just forgive her like nothing
ever happened? What is it with you? Like most men when it comes to women, you’re weak.

And she hinted around that you should take her out since her boyfriend was working. In other
words, she’s willing to be a sneak and run around behind his back and practice the virtue of
loyalty! Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “This one sounds like a real
keeper!”

she's inconsistent
Kemp, you don’t know what to do because you haven’t memorized my program, which says
when a woman is inconsistent, she’s out. Janine is stunning? Guy, you just got through telling
me that you didn’t know if you liked her! So which is it? Hey, who doesn’t like a stunning
girl? So you’re inconsistent too. But I’m glad you told her that you dug her so much. You’re a
real Challenge, dude.

Let me explain something to you, Kemp. Because you care for a girl doesn’t mean anything
to her. This is one of the most basic rules of my philosophy. If you like a girl, it doesn’t raise
her Interest Level. Challenge and Humor raise her Interest Level, not knowing how you feel
about her.

But you swear she feels something for you. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says,
“I think she’s got a Cadillac in her eye!” Or you think she might be lining you up in case she
dumps her boyfriend, or she’s just playing mind games. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love
says, “Guy, you better lay off the funny cigarettes that have no writing on them!”

Janine doesn’t feel pity for you; she doesn’t feel anything for you, and she could care less
about being your friend. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You’re just a guy who orders
from her and over-tips her.” And that’s all you are.

The only strong feelings that count here are Janine’s, not yours. Forget her, move on and get a
hold of my program as soon as possible. And, oh, yeah, find another coffee shop.

Remember, guys: When they run hot and cold, that's a red flag that should tell you to get out.

She's Moving Away

Hey Doc,

I’ve read your book a few times. It’s definitely an eye-opener.

I’m 37 and an engineer. I don’t know what to think of the situation I’m in. I met Aurora two
months ago at a bookstore. I called her after five days. We spoke just a little on the phone,
and then I quickly asked her to dinner. When I met her at the restaurant, I made sure I was
clean and looking good, and had a positive attitude. Dinner was pleasant, and we laughed a
little. I got to know more things about her, such as that she’s 29 and works in finance. She
looked good that night, better than at the bookstore. I’d say she’s a solid 8 out of 10. I didn’t
kiss her, though I could tell she wanted the night to continue.

A week later I called her and asked if she wanted to go to a wine exhibition. She said she
would be delighted to go. During the wine tasting and walking around, she got physically
closer and sometimes lightly touched my arm. We were both hungry and decided to check
out a new hip restaurant. This time I drove her home, walked her to her door and kissed
her. She smiled like I’d just given her a gift.

Fast-forward another four great dates. Now after every date, Aurora is kissing me and wants
to kiss longer. She invited me to her place for dinner. After dinner, she asked me if I wanted
to be her boyfriend. Good, right? I said I was having fun spending time with her and agreed.
After a make-out session, she told me she was leaving for Europe for a one-year term of
work.

Doc, Aurora never mentioned anything like that during the time we dated. My guess is that
she didn’t want to screw up what she found in me. Anyway, I said, “How exactly can I be
your boyfriend if you’re not here?” She said we could see each other every six weeks or so
because she’ll be flying back.

It seems like Aurora really wants to continue with me, but what should I do? Your book says
no long-distance relationships. I like Aurora and want this to continue.

Levi - who’s baffled by what happened

doc love's response

Hi Levi,

It’s good that you talked just a little to Aurora on the telephone. You’re not supposed to talk a
lot on the phone, so you got off to the right start here. Like a good salesman, you went
straight for the close and asked her to dinner. And that’s what you’re supposed to do.

Likewise, it’s excellent that you showed up to the restaurant looking your best. Lots of guys
show up in jeans or worse to a first date, which is a no-no. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says:
“You don’t want to go courtin’ when you look like you just got through workin’ in the barn.”
To you psych majors: You always want to overdress for the first date.

But you don’t ask a girl if she wants to go out with you. You ask her if she can make it to
taste some wine and have dinner. Then you tell her what time you’ll pick her up. That’s it.
You take charge and give her no wiggle room.

When Aurora sprang on you that she was decamping for a year to work in Europe, that’s
when you should have said, “Since you’re going to be gone for a year, let’s put this thing on
hold.” Think about it, Levi. This woman is going to take off for a year and ice your entire
dating life for that same amount of time. Look at what you’re giving up, pal. All of a sudden
you’re supposed to sit home and do nothing? You’ve been out with this woman only five
times. Now she wants to stop your love life for one whole year. Like my cousin Fast Eddie
Love from East L.A. says: “What do you get out of it?”

On the other hand, you shouldn’t be too hard on Aurora for the way this happened. Maybe she
didn’t broach the subject of leaving because when you started dating, she didn’t know she
would like you, and so there was no need to bring it up. Plus it was a heavy subject, so I have
to give her the benefit of the doubt on this one.

She’s offered to fly back every six weeks to see you. If you had been going with this woman
for six or eight months, that would make a difference — in fact, it would make a lot of
difference. But you’ve gone out with Aurora only a few times. You haven’t even gotten to 10
or 12 dates, so you basically don’t even know her. Getting to 10 or 12 dates with a babe is
really the first plateau in a relationship, as you know from reading my book. You’re not
anywhere near it yet.

What should you do now? You have to tell Aurora “no thank you.” Tell her that when she
gets back in a year and if you’re still available and she’s available, you will date. But in the
meantime, too many things can happen. Aurora can meet a guy overseas who can get time in
with her while you’re here twiddling your thumbs waiting for her. No, this isn’t a good deal
at all for you. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “You have to withdraw your offer.”

Levi, this is why my program says no long-distance relationships. All the reasons are right
here in your predicament. This woman would be tying up your life, and you don’t have
enough time in with her to commit to this type of arrangement. If she wants to come by and
see you every six weeks, that’s fine, but you’re going to date other women and not be her
boyfriend.

Remember, guys: If you don’t see her, you’ll never own her heart.

When To Break Up
Hey Doc,

I’m on my third reading of “The System” and am learning more about women and
myself with every page I turn. I’m hoping you can coach me with the current problem I’m
having with my girlfriend.

I met Kim 21 months ago. I gauged her Interest Level in the high 90s. Around the one-year
mark, she started to hint about a ring. I handled the request with humor and was successful in
changing the subject. At this point, I already knew that I wanted to marry this girl, but also
knew from “The System” that I would not propose until at least the two-year mark.

no longer her priority

We’ve both been under a lot of stress the last several months. Kim, who is 39, went back to
school in an effort to change careers and has been overwhelmed. As a result, she has limited
the time that we spend together. She has also started to be late and has canceled dates at the
last minute because she has too much work. I let her know that canceling plans at the last
minute or being consistently late is not acceptable. At this point I feel that I’m not her priority,
and it distresses me.

One other big problem is that Kim is a single mom. She has a five-year-old son who spends a
lot of time with us. I don’t mind having the little guy around when we go places. After all, if
I’m going to marry Kim, I need to make sure that we are a good fit as a family. The problem
is that for the last six months, he has come with us on almost every date. Kim says that she
just cannot find a suitable babysitter. I can almost hear you saying, “If I gave her a million
bucks, I bet she could find one!” This has caused more stress in our relationship, as Kim
focuses all her attention on her son during these outings. I sometimes feel like a third wheel.

Between Christmas and New Year’s, we had several fights. At one point Kim asked me to go
with her to the wedding store to look at a dress. I thought that was great since she was coming
toward me with another marriage suggestion. I tried to make light of the situation, telling her
that I’m sure she has great taste in dresses and that shopping in wedding stores is probably
something she should reserve for her most special girlfriend. She wound up crying and asking
why I don’t want to marry her.

I was looking forward to a relaxed, intimate New Year’s Eve together. Kim showed up late
and with her son, since his father did not come to take him, which was what he was supposed
to do. We finally got the kid to bed around 11:45 p.m. Kim came into the bedroom, and at
midnight we celebrated with a toast and a kiss. At 12:05 a.m. she went back to her son’s
room to check on him. While she was there she sent out a "Happy New Year!" text to all of
her friends. When she came back to me the return texts started pouring in and she answered
them. I snapped. I suggested that she go back and sleep with her son and “text your buddies
all night.” She got up, took her son and went home.

he's giving, but she's not taking

For the past year, I’ve been helping Kim with her expenses. This has enabled her to go back
to school. Her rent was due in a few days, and I wanted to get her check to her so it wouldn’t
be late. But I did not want to call her since I thought it would be counter-Challenge. I put the
check in a little bag outside her front door with a note. Two days later I got the check back
with not even a word. We have not talked since, and it’s been three weeks.

I don’t know where Kim is coming from. The silence is killing me. I love her and miss her
terribly. So far I have resisted the temptation to call her. As you’ve said, “Sometimes you
have to say no, even if it means that you’ll get kicked out of the house.” Can I get this
relationship back on track? Is three weeks of silence too long? Should I break down and call
Kim or wait for her to call me? I want to adhere to the rules of “The System,” but I’m
confused, as my emotions are getting the best of me.

Wim - who is starting to crack

Hi Wim,

First of all, this girl has to propose to you after the two-year mark. You’re not proposing to
her under any circumstance.
You might have been a priority to Kim at one point, but the problem is that she’s not
organized. Anytime a person switches careers, there is a lot of stress, and you have to be
supportive of Kim during this process. But she clearly has no clue how to manage her time,
which comes under the heading of “Scars And Baggage.” Like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
“This woman has issues.” It’s not a matter of Kim having low Interest Level, so you shouldn’t
take what happened personally.

Having Kim’s son with you on every date is too much — way too much. You should have
been going out alone with her and getting to know her. Again, it’s the same problem: She
can’t find a suitable babysitter because she’s not together. And she cancels your dates because
she’s not organized and doesn’t know how to manage her time properly. What’s happened
here is not a matter of low Interest Level, buddy. I realize that you feel like a third wheel on
account of Kim’s son, but again, don’t take it personally. Kim’s child and career come first,
as they should. But like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “She should be able to handle all facets
of her life more efficiently.”

I can understand why Kim cried after the wedding store incident. You were trying to be
logical, and she was coming from an emotional place. You should have said to her, “Yeah, I’d
be happy to go with you,” even though you might have been miserable shopping with her.
The wedding dress was a big deal to her even if it wasn’t to you.

But there are other problems here. Like Kim’s ex. He’s a deadbeat and not together
either. Great. Nice family you’re dealing with, Wim! Sadly, when Kim’s kid grows up, he
won’t have it together either.

actions speak louder than texts

Kim started answering all of her "New Year’s" texts because she’s thoughtless. She’s also
inconsiderate, and her actions were the straw that broke the camel’s back, as the old saying
goes. And what it told you was that you have to get out.

Dude, why in the world were you giving Kim money? This is a huge mistake and something
sure to lead to problems. To you Psych majors, you only give your wife money. Apparently
you don’t see it, but this girl is a flake. And you’re reinforcing it. Are you sure you read my
book three times?

That said, you are so lucky Kim gave you your money back. This is the best thing that could
have happened! Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Boy, did she let you off the hook!” Never,
ever contact this woman again, dude. She’s wacky, she’s disorganized and her ex-husband is a
bum. You don’t seem to understand how lucky you were to get out of this mess.

You know where Kim is coming from? She’s a nutcase. She’s not together. She’s broke. And
she’s a drain on your wallet. She’s coming from all those places. So why would you want
her? What’s the advantage to you? You might love and miss Kim terribly, but she sure
doesn’t love and miss you terribly. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “In fact, she
doesn’t even miss your money.”

No, you can never get this relationship back on track. Three weeks’ worth of silence is too
long. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “This means she’s already in the
arms of another guy.”
Should you wait for Kim? What would you be waiting for? You should be out hustling new
phone numbers. This thing with Kim is dead, dead, dead.

Wim, when you say that your emotions are getting the better of you, I have to say at least
you’re an honest man. And you’ve done some right things here with Kim, but you have
to recognize how fortunate you are. Kim is not a self-reliant woman, and that spells
disaster.

Remember, guys: If she can’t take care of herself, she’ll never be able to take care of you.

Signs Of Cheating
Hey Doc,

I’ve read some of your responses regarding infidelity. My situation seems quite different. I
need some coaching. Alix and I have been together for two-and-a-half years. We were ecstatic
to be dating.

you let a female coworker sleep over

Then I made a mistake. I was working on an office project and one of the members of the
team was a female. This woman knew I was in a relationship and there was nothing between
us. Well, one night, when we were working on the project and we were on a roll, we went to
my apartment and continued to work and had a few beers. I was so caught up in what we
were doing that I forgot to check my cell phone, which I had turned off. Because we had to
get up early and present our findings and we’d had a couple of drinks, I didn’t want this
female coworker to drive, so I gave her the pull-out bed and went to my bed, and we went to
sleep.
We woke up early, gathered our things and headed out to our cars.

your girlfriend can't trust you

Waiting outside my apartment was Alix. She saw me and my coworker leaving, and she made
her assumptions. Doc, I made a mistake, but I was faithful to Alix. Not so much as a thought
of infidelity crossed my mind. Alix did not believe me. No matter what I said or did, it was
impossible to convince her of the truth. She was so sure that I slept with that woman that we
ended up breaking up. I knew that there was no way I was going to change Alix’s mind. She
deleted me from her life. I thought that I would never hear from her again, but a week or so
later, she called. She said that she still felt so strongly about the love that we had that she
wanted to keep talking. Maybe we could see each other on a casual basis every now and
again and see if she could look at me and not hate me. I don’t know what’s going to happen
or if this arrangement is going to work out.

Doc, is there anything I can do to convince Alix that we belong together and that she can trust
me? Your insight would be greatly appreciated.

Zeke - who can’t believe he blew it

doc love’s response

Hi Zeke,
You took some woman who was not your girlfriend to your apartment and had a few beers
with her? Well, right there is your problem, man. This was exactly where you screwed up. It
was a massive mistake to do this, because if Alix happened to stop by and saw you with this
other woman and smelled the beer on your breath, you were dead in the water. Which is
pretty much what happened, right? You never should have brought this coworker to your
home. To you Psych majors, keep your business life and your private life separate. You drank
alcohol with this other woman whom you happen to work with. That’s not keeping your
personal life and your business life separate. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “That’s
muddyin’ the waters, boy.”

you didn't put your girlfriend first

When you let this other woman crash at your place, you should have called Alix immediately
and explained the situation to her: that you and your coworker finished a project and that you
didn’t want her to drive home since it was late. Then you should have told Alix that you were
going to pull out the spare bed and let your coworker sleep on it. If Alix went berserk on you,
you should have gone straight to the phone and called a taxi to take this other woman home.

But the fact remains that you should never have brought this other woman to your house and
drank beer with her in the first place. Of course Alix made her assumptions about what
happened. How could she not? That's a total sign of cheating. Reverse the situation, Zeke.
What if you were in front of Alix’s apartment and she came slinking out in the morning with
some other dude? What would you think? And if she told you, “Oh, we just spent the night
pounding down a few beers, and I didn’t want the poor guy to drive home,” wouldn’t you be
just a little bent out of shape? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If you heard a story
like that, you’d laugh your head off!”

you cheated
Let me correct you about something, pal. You maintain that you were faithful to Alix. But
you weren’t. You brought another woman home and spent the night boozing with her. Like
my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “You sure you got any work done, dawg?”
Infidelity might not have crossed your mind, but you sure forgot about common sense. And
Alix didn’t believe you. But why should she believe you? You didn’t break up with Alix,
guy. She dropped you. That’s what really happened. And she dropped you because you
cheated on her with another woman, whether or not you think you did.

The problem with Alix’s proposal to see you on a limited basis is that every time there’s any
problem between the two of you, she’s going to bring up what happened that night between
you and your coworker — for the rest of your life. She’s going to hold it over you because
you are not trustworthy. If you were trustworthy, you would never have brought that woman
to your home and guzzled the suds with her, much less let her sleep a few feet away. What
were you thinking, Zeke? I can tell you don’t have my book! No, there’s nothing you can do
to convince Alix of anything now. She will never trust you again after you showed signs of
cheating. As far as seeing each other a little is concerned, you’re wasting your time.

Remember, guys: Once a woman loses trust in you, you’re out forever.
Dating Young Women
Hey Doc,

First of all, let me congratulate you on your column. I’ve become your fan from reading it
for so long.

Here’s my problem: I volunteer my time at a nonprofit organization. Recently, a co-

volunteer, Valerie, started showing a lot of interest in me. I didn’t know how to react to it. I
like Valerie, but my first thought was that the age gap was (and still is) quite big: I’m 32 and
she’s 18. So I did nothing about her interest and kept our interactions friendly and nothing
more.

how young is too young?

One day at an organization party we started talking, and suddenly Valerie managed to
maneuver me somewhere that wasn’t so crowded, and she made her move. We kissed, and
afterward I told her, “I don’t think this is right because I’m 32 and you’re 18.” She got upset
at my reaction and argued that age doesn’t matter, that I look much younger than my age, and
so on. So we decided to give it a go and started dating.

Right now, I’m still with Valerie. She still lives with her mother (who thinks I’m 25). She
cooks for me, and even paid once when we went out for dinner. Sometimes we stay at her
house and just watch movies. My first priority is to get to know Valerie well (I’ve had some
“crazy b*tch” experiences that left a mark) and then to see if her head matches with her body
(in other words, if we can talk about something other than her ex-boyfriends or the local
club).

Doc, I feel that age is an issue (if not the issue). I know you’ve said not to get too serious with
a girl between 18 and 22, and I agree. But it’s hard to put this to work because my dad is 13
years older than my mom (and they’ve been married for 30-something years), and my best
friend is a 21-year-old girl I met when she was 17.

Everyone, including Valerie’s friends, tells me to give it a go, see what happens and enjoy the
ride. What do you think? Do you think this relationship is proper? I’ve never considered
myself to be a “manther,” and I don’t want to be seen as one. One more thing: Does “The
System” have a chapter on this?

Lex - who is your troubled reader

doc love’s response

Hi Lex,

I’m glad that you like my columns and find them helpful. But you will have get “The
System” itself, which ties all of the columns together. And because it synthesizes all of my
information, it’s indispensable for understanding my entire philosophy. Like the old saying
goes, bits and pieces do not equal a whole.

It was a big mistake to reprimand Valerie when you two kissed for the first time. You insulted
the girl, Lex. You don’t tell a girl she’s too young or too old. In fact, like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says, “You never tell a girl she’s too anything.” You just smile, and go right on
kissing her. That’s what a smart guy would do.

And you never should have lied to Valerie’s mom. Who did you think you were fooling?
Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Her mom knew you were older all the
time.”

she needs to grow up

The fact that Valerie cooks for you and paid when you went out to dinner shows that she’s a
Giver. This is a wonderful trait, but she’s much too young for you in terms of life experience.
If she were 24, 25 or 26 there would be hope for the two of you, because she would know
something about herself and life. But she still has to go through the ages of 19, 20 and 21,
which are the years when people first start to figure out which end is up and which is down.
In other words, she’s still got a lot of growing up to do. And that’s not a good thing for you.

That said, it’s smart that you’re trying to get to know Valerie before taking the plunge with
her. And you hit it right on the head there, pal: You have to find out what’s between her ears.
Maybe you’ll make the lucky discovery that you have a girl you can date for four years, and
she won’t be flaking out on you over something every other day. But I doubt it, because the
odds are against it — and I’m an odds-maker.

Your mom and dad are one of the rare cases where a big age difference has not mattered in
the relationship. But you can’t rely on the rare cases as an indication of what is likely to
happen. You have to look at the majority of cases. And if you do, you’ll see that you’re not
going to have this girl when she’s 23. Between the ages of 18 and 23 Valerie has so much
maturing to do that you’ll be lucky if you can get through one year with her. Because, like
the great Doctor Freud once said, “At the age of 18, a girl falls in and out of love every five
minutes.” As far as your best friend is concerned, a friendship is not the same as a romantic
relationship, so you can’t make a valid comparison between the two.

solution: date multiple women

What do I think you should do? If you’re smart, you’ll date this girl and date other girls at the
same time. And, most importantly, you can’t allow your Interest Level in Valerie to get
anywhere near the 80s! So keep your interest low, Lex. Like my cousin Brother Love down in
Watts says, “Don’t lose control of yourself, dawg. You’re goin’ out with a little girl.”

Yes, the relationship is proper, but the odds of it lasting are really, really horrible. And who
cares what other people think? If this girl is good-looking, likes you and she’s of legal age,
that’s all that counts. Like my cousin General Love says, “Just make sure you check her ID
card, soldier.”

Save A Marriage
Hey Doc,

I’ve been in a relationship with Isabelle for seven years and have been married to her for two-
and-a-half years. A year and a half ago, we had one of those arguments where at the end of it
you don’t know if you want to be with that person anymore. While my gut instinct was to
leave the relationship, I decided to try to save the marriage because of everything that we had
been through together.

falling out of love

Months passed, and things seemed to get better. Meanwhile, I changed jobs (twice) and spent
almost all of my time working in order to secure my position at the office. This last summer
we finally had some financial stability and things calmed down a bit, but it became obvious to
me that I did not feel the same way about my wife and that things weren’t going to change.

About the time that I started to consider leaving the relationship, my wife became pregnant.
I’ve been doing my best to take care of her and be supportive during this pregnancy, but it’s
becoming all too clear that I don’t want to stay in the same household. I say this because I
have spent two nights with another woman, and while that relationship isn’t going anywhere
(an ex-boyfriend showed up one day, and I’m no fool), I am not going to avoid future liaisons
with other women.

I feel that I should stay in the relationship with my wife until the child is six months to a year
old to show that I can be a responsible father and that I can take care of the child. I feel this is
important for when there is a divorce and child custody comes into question. I want to be part
of my son’s life, to see him daily and take care of his needs, even if it means that during this
time I’m not going to be a good husband.

I suppose my question is, am I going about this the right way? What are your thoughts? Do
you have any suggestions on how to save a marriage?

Yaz - who has heavy decisions to make

doc love’s response

Hi Yaz,

When you argue with a woman, it does nothing whatsoever but lower Interest Level in both
people — you and her. And that’s really sad, because rather than sit down and talk things out
calmly, the volume rises in the voices, then it turns into screaming, and the entire situation
deteriorates. Like my cousin General Love says, “Very few people know how to sit down and
negotiate.” Only 10% of all American families know how to work things out properly. The
rest of them holler and yell, and when that happens, the man withdraws. Like I said, this is
very sad.

giving up on your marriage

Let me ask you a question, Yaz. Are you trying to make this relationship work? Are you
giving your wife affection and romance? Are you taking her out once a week? Or are you
nothing more than a male roommate to this woman? What have you tried to do to save this
marriage?
Now, let me get this straight. You fight with your wife all the time, but she happens to get
pregnant in the middle of all this warfare? Wow, you sure found time for lovemaking, didn’t
you? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “I’m surprised you didn’t ask her
how she got pregnant.”

And at the same time, you found the time to cheat on her with a babe whose ex-boyfriend is
around. Great! At least your life isn’t a mess. When you should be working on saving your
marriage with your wife, especially since she’s pregnant, you’re out messing around with
some ding-dong. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “All this does is muddy the waters, boy.”

But I shouldn’t jump to any conclusions, right? Because you have a plan, Yaz. You’re going
to get a divorce from Isabelle after six months with your child. Let me ask you this: How is it
going to make you a responsible father when you split from your baby after six months? Like
my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Whose system of logic are you following, my son?”

plan for the future

Guy, you have to stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about your kid. You’re being
incredibly selfish here. Secondly, you have to try and put the relationship with Isabelle back
together by getting “The System” as soon as possible and studying and following the
maintenance program, no matter how tough it is.

Dude, you have to force yourself to try and be a good husband. You have to tough this thing
out and learn how to save a marriage. You have a commitment with Isabelle, who happens to
be your wife. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “What happened to ‘for
better or worse,’ dawg?” Remember those words that you said to the preacher, Yaz? The
consequence of letting your relationship with your wife fall apart is that you’re not going to
be able to be a good father to your child when you’re living in another house, another town
or state. Again, where’s your logic?

Here are my suggestions. Get my program ASAP and start dating your wife and do your best
to be nice to her on account of your child. That’s what you have to do. You have to forget
your own needs for a change. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Once you have a
kid, your needs go out the window.” If your wife weren’t pregnant, things would be different.
You could walk away from this relationship with Isabelle with a clear conscience. But that’s
not the case. Everything in your life now has to be geared to your child instead of to you, and
that means no messing around with women who aren’t your lawfully wedded spouse.

Remember, guys: Adultery never saves a marriage in trouble.

She Has A Child

Hey Doc,

I love your work. You’re the man!

I’ve got a real problem here. I’ve been in a serious relationship with Jenni for seven months.
She’s 33 and I’m 23. She’s a great girl and always does things like brings me little gifts. She
always tells me she misses me, and I know she really loves me. Her interest in me is very
high, with no ulterior motives. I know this for a fact because I am very challenging and don’t
text or give her stuff half as much as she gives me.

Our age difference isn’t a problem, but she has a five-year-old son, and it’s been really hard
on me. Since I’m so much younger, dating a woman with a kid is not an ideal scenario at all.
Aside from that, I could not ask for a better woman. But it hurts me that she has a child with
another man. They weren’t married, by the way. She has no interest in the guy at all, but he’s
still in the child’s life, though his involvement is minimal and he pays no child support. She
does not talk to or see this guy unless it’s for arrangements to pick up or drop the kid off. It
just hurts me that she would have this guy’s kid when she could have waited to have kids
with someone she loved. I feel resentment toward her for it and feel it was selfish and
irresponsible of her.

So now I’m stuck trying to build a relationship with someone who can’t put me at the top of
her priority list. Like I said, she’s a great girl, and she does her best to keep me happy. She
spends every night with me, and she spends most of her free time with me. I really care about
her a lot, but I can’t decide if this situation is just too much for me. I’m in dire need of your
coaching, Doc, and I always hold your unbiased opinion very highly.

Sandor - whose head is a mess

doc love's response

Hi Sandor,

When you tell me all the great things Jenni does for you, I have to say that she sounds
wonderful. She’s a Giver, she’s thoughtful, she’s considerate, and she’s sweet. Like my
cousin Rabbi Love says, “With all of those remarkable qualities, what’s not to like?” Guy,
looks like you’ve got a good one here — so far.

But you say the arrangement, which means the inclusion of Jenni’s kid, has been really hard
an you. I’m sure it has. And the truth of the matter is that you have what we call a “package
deal” here. You don’t just get Jenni. You get Jenni and her five-year-old son. Dude, that’s the
reality of the situation. And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If it bothers you now,
it’s only going to get worse later.” Keep that in mind. The roughest stretch still lies ahead.

So of course this is not an ideal scenario, as you astutely point out. How could it be? You feel
like you’re closer in age to the kid than to Jenni, even though that’s not the case in reality. To
you Psych majors, to take on a woman and her child and love the kid as yours takes a really
mature person as well as a Good Samaritan. You have to decide, before you get in too deep,
whether you are this type of person.

But you’ve got another problem as well. Jenni allows her ex to come over and see their kid,
but she doesn’t hold him to paying his share of child support. Like my cousin Fat Eddie Love
from East L.A. says, “This guy’s nothing but a no-good bum.” Furthermore, Jenni had this
child out of wedlock, as you point out, which says something about her character. The
question is, does it say something good about her character or does it say something
opposite? And here’s something else you should keep in mind: Jenni’s worthless ex is going
to come and pick up their kid for the next 13 years. You have to be prepared to deal with his
presence all that time.
You make an excellent observation that Jenni could have waited to have kids with someone
she loved or at least someone who isn’t as sleazy as her ex. You’re an idealist, Sandor, which
is an admirable trait, and I’m not putting you down for that. But the reality is that Jenni went
to bed with this bum, had a child by this bum, and the bum doesn’t give her a penny to help
support their offspring. And she puts up with this? This girl’s a mess, Sandor. It was selfish
and irresponsible of Jenni to have this child out of wedlock. Like my cousin Brother Love
down in Watts says, “She was sloppy, dawg.” You have this situation figured out correctly,
my friend.

Sandor, you can’t be on the top of Jenni’s priority list. Her kid should come first because he is
in fact more important than you. But it’s a different kind of love. She loves her kid, but she’s
in love with you. You have to decide whether that’s something else you can live with.

That said, the feeling I get from your letter is that this situation is a deal breaker for you.
Again, you Psych majors: When you get involved in a relationship like this, you must know
thyself. And the way you’re built, Sandor, you’re never going to be able to accept this little
boy, even if you like him, because he came from another man. From what you’re telling me,
this situation is too much for you.

Remember, guys: if you can’t accept that she has a child, find another woman.

Doc Love: She's Not Interested

Hi Doc,

I’ve been reading your column for a while now and I’m a big fan.I still don't have "The
System."

I met Diana through an online dating site. I felt an instant click with her. She’s 35, really
attractive, down to earth, and we had a good time together. We dated for three months, and it
just ended a few days ago. The biggest problem was that she works in another city and
commutes there during the week. Not a huge deal, though since I go to work at 4 a.m., I have
to go to sleep at 7:30 at night during the week. So I basically saw her on weekends, usually
for only one night, though, because she wanted to spend time with family and friends, too. I
just figured eventually I would be incorporated into that stuff if it went well.

In the dark
Another problem was that I’d introduced Diana to all of my friends, but I’d never met any of
hers. She also wouldn’t spend the night at my place, seemingly because she was afraid of her
conservative father. I felt like there was this wall she’d put up, and I wasn’t really being let
into her life.

On our last date, we went to a nice restaurant, then I took her to an arcade to play skeeball.
We had a great time. Afterward, we went back to my place and started getting romantic.
During a pause, I said, “So, we’ve been dating for three months now, and I don’t feel like I
have any idea what’s going on in your head.” She said that she’d wanted to talk to me about
it, but was reluctant to bring it up. She said that she liked me, she liked spending time with
me, she’s definitely attracted to me, but she wasn’t sure that she saw being with me in the
long term. She said she doesn’t know if her feelings will change if she keeps seeing me, and
she doesn’t think it’s fair to me to string me along while she tries to figure it out. She told me
that she’d talked to her friends at length about me the previous weekend. They think that she
has commitment issues. Apparently I’m not the first guy she’s had this problem with.

The big no-no

I finally gave in and told her I loved her. I felt like if I didn’t, I’d regret it. She started crying
at that point and I cried too. Then she finally left.

Last night, after a bottle of wine, I wrote Diana a long e-mail saying everything that I’d
wanted to say that last night but didn’t. I’m not sure if it was a good idea or not, but it’s done.
I want to keep seeing her, of course. Maybe her feelings will change. I have a feeling from
reading your column though I was asking too much and that they probably won’t. Now I feel
totally empty and miserable. I feel like if Diana would let me into her life more, maybe things
would be different. Should I never talk to her again? Should I give her some time and call her
in a couple weeks?

Momo - who feels powerless

Doc love's response

Hi Momo,

It’s a huge deal that Diana works in another city, because what it means is that you’re really
involved in a variation of the long-distance relationship, which never works.

Just how much time does Diana want to spend with her family and friends? In the first place,
you really shouldn’t be seeing her only on weekends during the first four or five weeks
because you’re breaking my rules. You should only be seeing her Sunday through Thursday.
And after ninety-plus days, she should want to see you more and more and be all over you —
if she was really hot on you — instead of her family and friends. Like my Uncle Jethro Love
says, “Heck, she can see them anytime.”

It was a huge mistake to introduce Diana to all of your friends. You should have met her
friends first. That would have been a sign of how much she liked you. And you don’t drive
Interest Level up by having your lady meet all of your buddies and pals. Gosh, Momo, you
made blunders all over the place!

Trust your gut

It could be legit that Diana’s afraid of her father, but she could also be using him as an excuse
to stay away from you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “At the age of
35, I’d lean towards the latter.”

The fact that you feel that Diana is not letting you into her life is probably the best point you
make here. Even though you don’t have my book, your gut is telling you that something’s not
right. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Your guardian angel is talkin’ right
in your ear, bro.” Something is awry here. But you didn’t listen to your guardian angel
because you don’t have “The System.”
If you knew what was going on between Diana’s ears, you wouldn’t be asking her what was
going on in her head. So the fact that you don’t ever know what she’s thinking proves that she
has low Interest Level in you.

She knows what she wants

All women are reluctant to tell you that they aren’t interested in you — that’s no big deal. If
she doesn’t see being with you in the long term, then what Diana said about being attracted to
you and so forth doesn’t make a lick of sense. She’s contradicting herself here. When she
says she doesn’t know if her feelings are going to change if she keeps seeing you, it means
they’re not going to go up, for sure. After 90 days, her Interest Level should be in the 90s,
dude. The only honest thing Diana said to you in this relationship is that she didn’t feel that
she should be stringing you along while she tried to figure herself out.

Diana’s friends are dead wrong about what’s ailing her. She doesn’t have commitment issues.
She has low interest level. To you Psych majors, 95% Interest Level trumps commitment
issues. Unless, of course, the woman is a full-blown psycho case.

After all this, you went and told Diana you loved her? Why are you begging, guy? Not to
mention that you’re giving away the store and you’re totally anti-Challenge. You never tell a
babe you love her. She should tell you that! Two more big mistakes!

Don't embarrass yourself

When you revealed that you loved Diana, you were already out and you knew it and were
grabbing at straws. Like my cousin General Love says, “Rather than be tough like a Spartan
warrior in the movie 300, you took a dive.” Then you cried when she cried. Well, I have to
say that’s very manly! Did you weep on your shield and spear?

But that wasn’t enough abject humiliation for you. You went and wrote her a long love letter,
pouring out your heart. In other words, you did even more begging. It wasn’t a good idea to
write that email, Momo; it was a horrible idea! You don’t beg a girl whose Interest Level is
below 50% to love you.

Of course you want to keep seeing Diana. But it’s not what you want that matters, it’s what
she wants. Sure, maybe her feelings about you will change. And maybe you’ll get jumped by
a mountain lion on your way home from work today.

You’re feeling empty and miserable because your Interest Level is somewhere between 85%
and 90% and you really dig Diana, which is understandable. But you never considered her
Interest Level because you don’t have my book. If you’d read it, you’d have known that the
woman’s Interest Level is the number-one factor in the relationship — always.

Cut your losses

My friend, I don’t think this babe ever had high interest in you. Her interest was at best
always mediocre. That’s why she wanted to spend time with her parents rather than with you.

Forget about getting into Diana’s life now. You’re never getting into it because she has low
Interest Level. Not talking to her again would be too often. And if I were you, I’d wait two or
three hundred years before calling her.
Remember, guys: If your gut is telling you that she doesn’t like you, you’d better listen.

She Broke Up With Me

Hey Doc,

Dawn and I were together almost a year. I’m 32, and she just turned 31. We began talking
marriage about five months in. It was an organic thing, and the level of passion was the same
on both sides. She told me her previous history consisted of only two relationships that lasted
as long as a year and that most of the time she dumped guys shortly after they started to
annoy her. She sat her parents down and told them I was "The One" and explained that I was
different from all the guys she’d dated before.

Two weeks shy of our first anniversary, Dawn broke up with me. She said she didn’t feel
like she could love me the way I need to be loved. I told her that I’ve never felt neglected by
her or that I wasn’t getting from her what I needed. She said that when I give her
compliments, she doesn’t feel like that person on the inside. She said she had woken up that
week with a funny feeling that something didn’t seem right. She said that she couldn’t get
married right now. She said that she always does this, that she’s never been in a relationship
longer than a year. I said it sounded like fear, that marriage scares me too at times, but that
I’m more afraid of a future without her. I asked her if she still loved me, and she said she did.
She said I’m everything she ever wanted in a man but that she can’t be in a relationship right
now.

I felt blindsided, because five days before she broke up with me, she made a comment in an
email about what kind of engagement ring she wanted. A few weeks before, she emailed me
suggestions for wedding venues. Looking back at the final month, I could see small signs that
she was beginning to detach, but it seemed harmless at the time. Dawn’s very religious, and
she made a weird comment a month before the breakup about how she wanted to be in
heaven. I was really taken back and asked her, “What about the rest of our lives together?
Don’t you mean you want to go to heaven when you die?” And she replied, “Don’t worry.
I’m not suicidal or anything. I’d just rather be there now.”

Doc, this seems like commitment phobia to me. I’m agonizing over what I could have done
differently. Was I too needy? Did I not give her enough space? Did I not pay her enough
attention? All I can come back to is that the feedback I got throughout the time we were
together was, “I love you and I want to marry you,” and Dawn never came to me with
problems or gave me an opportunity to fix them. We never really argued because we’re both
laid-back personalities.

Doc, in your opinion, what happened?

Brody - who feels like he’s in hell

doc love's response

Hi Brody,

Well, your first problem is that you started talking marriage WAY too soon. You don’t talk
marriage with a woman after only five months. She can talk marriage after five months, but
you shouldn’t. You’re not supposed to be talking marriage until you’ve got two full years in
with a babe. Dude, you don’t even know this woman. So how can you talk marriage with her?
One other thing: I couldn’t care less about the level of passion on your side. I only care about
the level of passion on HER side. You’re talking about Dawn, so it’s a given that you like her.
But how does she really feel about you?

Dawn got rid of her other boyfriends because she can only last a year with a guy and she’s
just passing through. In other words, she’s a DRIFTER. It was a good sign that she built you
up to her parents, but still, it was much too soon in the relationship for that to happen.

If Dawn broke up your relationship out of the blue, it means that you missed BIG RED
FLAGS. You might never have felt neglected before, but Brody, you sure as heck must feel
neglected now — because she’s getting rid of you!

Now, if when you compliment her Dawn doesn’t feel worthy, she’s a space cadet. She’s off in
la-la land. But when she says that she woke up with the feeling that something wasn’t quite
right, it means her Interest Level just dropped from 51% to 49%. When she said she couldn’t
get married right now, that just means she’s not going to marry you — ever. In her defense,
Dawn gets rid of guys because she’s sick and tired of them doing everything wrong. The first
two guys didn’t have “The System” and you don’t have it either, and so all three of you were
doing nothing but making mistakes all over the place. So even if she’s a bit wacky, what else
would you expect her to do? You might be scared of a future without Dawn, but she’s scared
of being married to someone she’s not interested in.

One of my favorite bits of Womanese from females is that they “can’t be in a relationship
right now.” And you guys just swallow it hook, line and sinker! And of course she led you
right to the trough and then boom — you were out. That’s what women do when they decide
they’ve had enough of you.

The most important point in your entire letter is when you say you picked up “small signs that
she was beginning to detach.” At that juncture, you should have backed off. But, no, you’d
already met the parents and blabbed your guts out about your feelings and marriage. And like
my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “There was no wiggle room left for you, and then you
were finished.”

So, Dawn wishes she could be in heaven? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A.
says, “If she had 95% interest level in you, she’d feel like she was in Heaven already.”
The reason Dawn wants to be in heaven, my friend, is because she doesn’t want to be with
you. Don’t you get it?

Instead, you think Dawn has commitment phobia. Brody, you’re the typical clueless guy.
It’s always a matter of fear or hang-ups or problems on the lady’s part. You can never own
up to what the problem really is: that she has low Interest Level in you.

What should you have done differently? Well, for starters, you should have had my program,
then none of this would have happened. You could have told Dawn “no” when she wanted to
introduce you to her parents. You could have told her “no” when she wanted to talk about
marriage. Then you wouldn’t have been like the other two turkeys she got rid of. Yes, you
were too needy and you didn’t give her enough space and you paid too much attention to her
— all huge blunders you could have avoided by abiding by the rules of “The System.”
Dawn, on the other hand, has only has one problem — she needs a psychiatrist and
can’t afford one. By the way, to you Psych majors, some women don’t argue. They just
say to themselves, “I’m out of here,” and then you’re history before you know what hit
you.

What happened here? Guy, you weren’t a challenge at all. You were way too available. You
met the parents too soon. You said "I love you" way too much. You talked about marriage
much too soon. Other than that, you did everything right.

Remember, guys: Don’t rationalize red flags.

She's Married
Hey Doc,

I started going to college recently and noticed Adrienne, who is 25. She held doors for me,
showed me around and gazed into my eyes adoringly when I talked. I could tell that she liked
me. We soon got to know each other and started sitting next to each other in class. While we
had mostly good conversations, she sometimes ran hot and cold, which was frustrating. When
I ignored her, she would always try to get my attention and remind me that she was there.
Since I’ve always gotten my heart broken over girls I’ve had crushes on, I tried to guard
against falling for Adrienne, but since I’ve never had so many signals from any girl,
I’ve continued to pursue her.

Now, here’s the problem: She’s married. I didn’t know this when I met her. I don’t what it is
with me. I always seem to go for the ones who are already taken. But they seem to like me
more than their significant others, and I can’t help the way I feel about Adrienne. I’m trying
to get over her, but it’s hard when I see her every day of the week. When we talk and look at
each other, I can tell there is chemistry between us. I have the feeling that Adrienne feels
conflicted over all of this. Now I’ve discovered that she is pregnant, which of course
compounds everything.

Doc, while Adrienne runs hot and cold, she does still initiate conversations with me and
confides many things to me in a way that only a girl who cared about a guy would. I find
myself very confused as I try to decipher her body language, but she does all of the things that
a girl with high Interest Level would do.

This is not a lust thing; it’s something more. I like Adrienne’s personality. We have a lot in
common, and I admire her independence. She has almost every quality you would want in a
woman. Part of me wants to be friends with Adrienne so that maybe one day if things don’t
work out with her marriage, we could get together. But I just don’t know how to deal with
this. I figure that something is there since she still seems to be interested in me, even though
she’s married and pregnant.

Anything you can to do coach me would be greatly appreciated.

Milton - who feels like he’s losing his mind

doc love's response

Hi Milton,
Here’s the good news: Adrienne is coming at you. Now for the bad: Adrienne is inconsistent
in her behavior and her feelings. By your own admission, she runs hot and cold. This is a
huge red flag. Why does she run hot and cold? I must compliment you for noticing this big red
flag, though. Most guys would just rationalize her flakey behavior and say, “No big deal.” But
you’re bringing it up, which is smart. It shows that you’re thinking. The question is: What are
you going to do about it?

Of course Adrienne wants to remind you that she’s there when you ignore her. That’s
because you used the all-important technique of challenge. All women respond to it.
Adrienne might be sending you the most signals you’ve ever gotten from a woman, but you
have to remember to go in slowly and keep your eyes wide open at all times.

But, guy, she's married. So even if she drapes herself over you like a blanket, she’s off-limits.
To you Psych majors, when you meet a woman, there can be no husbands or boyfriends
involved with her because that means she’s unavailable. This should be a very simple
concept to grasp. And if she’s married, it means you’re out already. Like my cousin Fast
Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If she’s married, you were out before you started.” So,
Milton, all of this getting wound-up over Adrienne has been nothing but a big waste of time.
You could have been out hustling other phone numbers in the time you wasted mooning over
this married woman.

Now, let me ask you this. Wasn’t Adrienne wearing a wedding ring? She was coming on
to you all the time, and she never once brought up her husband? Why were you stunned
when you found out she was hitched? Didn’t she give you any warning about her
situation?

I have to enlighten you on something. Married babes don’t like you more than their
significant others. Here’s how you can tell: Because they didn’t leave their significant others
for you! What these women are really doing is playing with you and their significant others.
And they’re misleading both you. And the married women aren’t confused — it’s the
significant others and you who are confused!

You say that you’re helpless about the way you feel about Adrienne. Like my cousin Brother
Love down in Watts says, “You’d better get a grip, dawg.” You better start helping the way
you feel about her because she’s not available. She’s off-limits. She’s married, pal.

And you swear that you and Adrienne have chemistry. Tell you what. Try asking her to set
you up with her girlfriends, and you’ll see how strong that chemistry is. It will disappear
before your very eyes, my friend.

Adrienne isn’t conflicted at all over your love for her. She’s enjoying this whole drama
tremendously. She’s got not one but two turkeys to play with — and who knows how many
others.

But you maintain that her pregnancy is compounding your problems. Milton, everything was
already compounded by the fact that she's married, don’t you get it? Now she’s pregnant, and
she flirts with you and who knows who else. Gee, this girl has a lot of character! She just
epitomizes loyalty and trust, don’t you think? She’s a real keeper, Milton!

Again, you bring up that Adrienne runs hot and cold. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love
says, “When she runs hot and cold, it means she doesn’t care about you.” Especially when
she’s pregnant — hopefully by her husband. She might do all the things a girl with high
interest would do, but she’s still not available because she’s married!

This might not be a lust thing for you, but it’s a lust thing for Adrienne. You might admire all
of her qualities, but do you admire her trustworthiness? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Do
you think that if you two got together she would be able to teach your daughters about the
commandments ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife’ or ‘Thou shalt not commit
adultery?’” I’m sure Adrienne has every quality you would want in a woman. My favorite
quality in a woman is disloyalty. And it sounds like she has that one in spades!

But despite all that, you want to wait for something to go wrong with her marriage so you can
take Adrienne for yourself. Great! She’s going to stay married to her husband, have his kid,
and you’ll go on flirting with her. And at the end of four years, she’s going to tell you that
she’s staying with her husband, and you just wasted four years of your life. That sounds like a
great plan to me!

Remember, guys: When she’s married, she’s off-limits.

Why She Lost Interest

Hi Doc,

I love your columns. I’ve been hip to “The System” for a few years now (full disclosure: a
friend let me read his copy). I’ve had great success with meeting women since I was turned on
to it, and while I haven’t met “the one,” at least I’m equipped to know when a girl isn’t!
Usually, anyway.

I met Savina on Facebook, and we had a date the next day. We hit it off way more than I
ever expected, hung out a few more times throughout the week, and each time it was plain
that her Interest Level was rising.

She drove with me to Washington, D.C. (I’m moving there soon) to look at apartments. We
had a blast checking out the city. Her Interest Level had risen into the high 80s. She
literally could not get enough of me.

I never discussed becoming a monogamous couple or engaging in a committed long-distance

relationship after I moved, but I did make a point to let Savina know that I liked the way
things were going and that I would be interested in seeing how things went after I moved.
When I dropped her off after the trip, we made tentative plans to go out on Friday.

Come Thursday, it was like she disappeared. I texted her, and she didn’t respond, and the
same thing happened Friday. I have a personal rule not to contact a girl more than twice
without a response, so on Saturday I sent her a message that said, “Hey, no hard feelings, but
in the future, if you don’t want to talk to or see a guy anymore, just say so,” and kind of
wrote her off.

She responded with “You’re right. I should have said something. But I’ve just been doing a
lot of thinking, and I don’t know what I want right now. You’re wonderful, but I’m
emotionally screwed up. I just think you need to be with someone a little more put together
than I am.”
Now, clearly there is a lot of Womanese going on here. It’s one thing if I go out with a girl a
few times and she gives me the brush-off if things aren’t sizzling, but Savina and I got along
incredibly well and things were very romantic. What I can’t reconcile is how her Interest
Level could go from being sky-high to almost nothing overnight. I did nothing that could
have provoked that. I get that there’s a chance that me moving away would give her pause
when it comes to getting involved, but I made it clear that I neither expected her to commit
fully nor that I intended to blow her off when I moved.

I need coaching, Doc. I know that I should probably forget Savina, but she won me over until
all this happened. What should I do?

Kal - who’s baffled in the nation’s capital

doc love's response

Hi Kal,

If you and your buddy are passing my book back and forth, it tells me that neither of you are
memorizing it! Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Anybody who lends ‘The
System’ out is stupid!” Dude, you have to get and keep the book for yourself — it’s the only
way you can reap the program’s full benefits. Plus, by not buying it yourself you didn’t get
my CDs!

How can you meet Savina and have a date with her the very next day? You should have
gotten her number, waited a week and then called her. You don’t call someone as soon as
you make contact with her and set up a date for the next 24 hours. Where’s the breathing
space between the two of you? Jumping on a babe so quickly makes you look desperate.

It follows that you don’t go out with a girl a bunch of times the very first week you meet her.
In the first 10 or 12 weeks you’re only supposed to see the girl once a week. Are you sure you
borrowed the right book from your friend? Because from what you did with Savina, you
certainly weren’t going by my program! And something else: You don’t “hang out” with a
girl; you date her.

Now let me get this straight. You went to look for a place to live in another city and took
Savina along? Kal, you spent way too much time with this girl who you don’t know from
Eve! You’re seeing her during the week and you’re already taking road trips with her? She’s
not even your girlfriend yet! To boot, you’re moving away from her. Like my cousin Fast
Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Where is this thing going?”

Why in the world are you already making a point to Savina about how well things are going?
Guy, you’re absolutely slaughtering Challenge here! What’s more, Savina’s going to evaluate
the relationship according to her experience and Interest Level, not because you tell her that
you think that everything is going great. Now I’m absolutely sure that you haven’t memorized
“The System!”

You don’t ask a girl out for Friday until she asks you why you’re not asking her out for
Friday. This is another blunder you made. And you don’t make “tentative” plans — you make
definite plans. Buddy, you’re not following anything in my book! This is why you don’t pass
it back and forth. You have to keep it near you all the time and read it at least 15 times so you
know what the heck you’re doing!

Kal, we don’t go by your personal rules; we go by what “The System” tells us to do. That
said, it is okay to contact a girl twice and not again without a response. Unfortunately, it’s the
only thing you’ve done right so far.

You should have told Savina that you were writing her off by not contacting her. You tried to
appeal to her sense of logic when she was already gone emotionally. After taking her on the
road trip and seeing her all week long and setting up your Friday date, you shot your wad.
You’re finished, pal.

When Savina said that she didn’t know what she wanted right now, what she really meant was
that she wants anybody but you. She’s not emotionally screwed up. What that phrase means is
that her Interest Level is below 50%. And that means that you’re history. Like my cousin
General Love says, “You had your shot, and you blew it.” You saw her too much, too soon,
and you took that trip with her. Way, way too much. By the time she decided she’d had
enough of you, there wasn’t an ounce of Challenge left — if there was any in the first place.

You got along with Savina well, but only for a very short time. You should have been seeing
her once a week MAX, but you crammed in four or five things with her in a week and a half.
You were all over her; you were too available. She didn’t have to wonder where she stood
with you, and she never had to wonder how many other women were chasing you. So you
never gave her anything to chew on.

Savina’s Interest Level went from sky-high to nothing overnight because it says in my book
that if you had 10 years in with her, her Interest Level couldn’t drop that much overnight. But
you had no foundation with Savina. You didn’t know her. You had no time in with her. Like
my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If you have no seniority with a babe, you can be out in
five minutes.”

My friend, you did all kinds of things to provoke this reaction from Savina. You saw her all
the time. You called her all the time. You set tentative dates with her. You were hanging
out versus dating. I can’t believe you ever even saw the cover of my book!

And, again, you were making plans for the future. Why in the world were you laying all this
stuff out? Why are you telling a girl you knew for a few days your entire game plan?
You’re like a general telling another general how you’re going to attack him on the
battlefield.

What should you do? Get your own copy of “The System” because you don’t have a clue!

Remember, guys: Unless you memorize my book, nothing will work.

Change For A Girl

Hey Doc,

I’ve been reading your columns and wonder if you could coach me with a relationship
problem.
I’m in my 30s, decent looking and come from a traditional Indian cultural background. I’ve
always had trouble getting girls. I’ve always put them on a pedestal and have always felt
scared of approaching them. With everyone else, I’m fine.

After college I kind of came out of my shell. What followed was an eight-year binge of dating
different girls. Things culminated when I met Aamani online. She was only 22, funny, pretty,
charming, smart, and affectionate. We spoke on the phone for three months, and all was good.
Then we met in person. She was “disturbed” by my baldness, but was happy about “the rest of
me.” After a few months of dating, she said she loved me (she said it first). She also said she
couldn’t handle the “hair thing.” She asked me to get a hair transplant. Like a tool, I did this,
although my baldness never bothered me before.

Once I did this, Aamani was ready to get married, and we got engaged. She alternated
between being sweet and nice one day, and being mean as hell the next three. Her modus
operandi was to find something to be upset about and then become quietly angry for hours. I
attributed this to her tough childhood, making her “hate men” (her words). By this time, I
was very submissive. I didn’t want to ruin things.

I married Aamani one year later. Things got worse. She constantly argued with me. She acted
angry all the time. She even slapped me once. Eight months later, she left. I begged her to
change her mind. She didn’t return my calls for weeks. Then I read one of your articles, and
after that, I stopped begging her and the rest was handled by the lawyers. I never talked to
Aamani again. I’m pretty broken up about it, although it was a year ago. I feel like an idiot for
letting all this happen.

Recently, I was on the other side of the country for a wedding. I immediately got attracted to
a girl, Simone, sitting at my table. She wasn’t the prettiest, but for some crazy reason I liked
her. She seemed innocent and not a bitch. I approached her, and we chatted for only five
minutes. Two weeks later, I can’t stop thinking about her and have already caught myself
fantasizing about getting married to her. Is it wrong to want to get in contact with Simone to
try and create a relationship? Am I just repeating past mistakes? How do I change myself?

Shahid - who doesn’t know how to begin to change

Doc Love's Response

Hi Shahid,

First of all, let me ask you a question. Why would you put someone you don’t know on a
pedestal? You don’t know any of these women, and you don’t know their backgrounds. So
why would you pull a Charlie Sheen and turn them into goddesses? Secondly, and most
importantly, the reason you’re scared is because you don’t have my book. You say you read
my columns, but why don’t you own my book? “The System” will give you product
knowledge. To you Psych majors, when you are dealing with anything, from computers to jet
planes to women, if you understand them, you won’t be afraid of them.

Now, on to Aamani. Why in the world were you talking on the phone with her for three
months? You’re supposed to talk to a woman on the phone once to ask her out to Starbucks
for coffee — that’s all. You gave away your personality without passing the all-important
physical attraction test, dude.
But finally you got together with Aamani. When she said she was disturbed by your baldness,
right then and there you should have walked. Shahid, you flunked the physical-attraction test,
and that meant you were finished. When she said she couldn’t handle the hair thing, it meant
she wasn’t in love with you and that you were out right away. Like my Uncle Jethro Love
says, “She’s a 22-year-old ding-dong!” But you went along with it because you haven’t
memorized my materials. It’s time to wake up and smell the coffee.

Shahid, you should only get a hair transplant because you want it, not because some dizzy
girl tells you to get one. All your capitulation did was show Aamani that she could
manipulate you, that you have no backbone and that she’d never have to respect you because
you’re a wimp.

The biggest mistake of your life was getting engaged to this woman. If she was mean as hell
for three days out of every four, why did you stay with her? Why would you stay with
someone who disrespects you and is nasty as a witch? I’ll tell you why: Because you don’t
like yourself. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Some men don’t think they’re worthy
of anything better.”

But you went much, much further. Aamani told you up front that she hated men, and you
went and married her. What would possess you? And let me straighten you out on something
here. You ruined everything because you were submissive, not the other way around. And, in
case you didn’t notice, everything was already ruined the minute she told you she hated men
— and by deduction, you! Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Is it any wonder things
got worse when you got hitched?”

Shahid, the real reason you should feel like an idiot is for not purchasing “The System.” By
your own admission, after you read a couple of my columns you saw the light. So why would
you not go all the way and fix yourself up by buying my book?

Now, let me get this straight, pal. After paying off all your lawyers, you’re fantasizing about
marrying a girl you talked to for only five minutes? Do you realize how outlandish that
statement is? Do you realize how out of sync with reality you are when you say something
like that? I can tell by your letter that you’re an intelligent person, but you are run strictly by
your emotions. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Therefore, you will repeat the hell you
went through in your marriage with the next girl.” In fact, your future with women will be a
mess until you invest in my book and straighten yourself out.

Of course it’s wrong to get in touch with Simone and try to create a relationship, because you
don’t know what you’re doing. It’s all a waste of time, guy. As they say in the sales field,
“You’re just burning a good lead.”

The only way for you to change yourself is to get “The System” and memorize it. Otherwise
you are condemned to repeat all of your blunders. Do you really want to suffer like that
again?

Remember, guys: When you understand women, they won’t intimidate you.
She Won't Ask Me Out
Hey Doc,

I’ve read your articles for several months and purchased your book a month ago. I think it’s
interesting that your research has found that most guys never get past the first date. I never
have this problem. Some things I have been doing for years are part of "The System," and I
didn’t even know it. I have learned a great deal more that I was doing wrong as well from
your book, though.

My question is about the girl I’m dating, Lynda. She and I are in law school. I got her number
at a party, waited until the following week to call, and asked her out for the following
Friday.This is outside the rules, I know, but law school requires hours of work Sunday
through Thursday nights. Friday and Saturday are the only real options under these
circumstances.

The date went great; I stayed off heavy topics and had Lynda laughing through the whole
date. I called her several days later and set up another date. We went to a school function and
had a great time. I spent the night at her place, which I know was a lack of control. I saw
several red flags during these two dates. Lynda said she doesn’t think a woman should ever
have to pay for her own drink at a bar and that her ex-boyfriend knew he could never give her
the ring she deserved. She has been proposed to twice and turned both down, yet she told me
all about those relationships, including that one was especially good at romance. She told me
about psychological and physical abuse at the hands of her mother. She has made numerous
comments about her body and looks, and is overly obsessive about looking good.

A couple of days after the second date, I made the mistake of asking Lynda out for the
following night. She advised me that she had plans. I later asked her out for the weekend, and
she said she had to go out of town. I’m not rationalizing, since she did go out of town on the
weekend, and I shouldn’t have expected her to be free with not much notice. But here’s the
disturbing thing: She made no counteroffer.

Doc, I think Lynda has low self-esteem. I haven’t asked her out again since she made no
counteroffers. I think her self-esteem is low, to the point that she is afraid to take the
initiative. One more thing. She told me that her ex, whom she was seeing in law school prior
to me, still comes over to watch TV once a week. This makes no sense to me. I have since
refrained from contacting Lynda, though I remain cordial to her when I see her at school. I
have almost every class with her, so there’s no time apart. What do you think is going on
with Lynda?

Shag - who wishes she would chase me

Doc Love's Response

Hi Shag,

Sixty percent of all guys never get past the first date. But the sad thing is that they never ask
themselves why — and that’s the problem. To you Psych majors, you have to ask yourself
this: If a girl gave you her phone number, went out with you and you have a little time in
with
her, and then she doesn’t want to go out with you again, what happened? Like my cousin
Rabbi Love says, “Did you un-sell yourself?”

When you say that you were practicing parts of “The System” without even knowing it, you
bring up a very important point. When I talk to you guys, I’m not saying you don’t know
anything at all about women. Some of you have 50% knowledge, and some of you have 85%
knowledge. My job is to give you that missing 50% or 15% percent and get your knowledge
up to 100%. And Shag, I appreciate your honesty when you say you learned a lot about what
you didn’t know from my program.

When Lynda told you that she should never pay for anything and that she has to get the Hope
Diamond for a ring, she sent you a clear message. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East
L.A. says, “You better own Fort Knox.”

But she told you even more. She told you all about her other boyfriends. When a guy is out
spending money on a gal, he really likes to hear how romantic an ex is, doesn’t he? It makes
him feel really good. It sounds like this Lynda is a very thoughtful and considerate person.

Talking about being abused by her mother and being obsessed about her body and looks are
called deal-breakers. Lynda’s mother should be in jail, and I’m sorry for what Lynda had to
go through. But being in love with every mirror Lynda sees will leave little time for you.
Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “The point is that you’re the one who’s going to
have to eat it.”

What’s really great about your letter is that you have my book and therefore you understand
the power of counteroffer. Lynda didn’t come back with one, which means that her Interest
Level is below 50%. Women who have an Interest Level above 50% help you and make a
counteroffer when they can’t make a date. They’ll name another time when they can see you.

Yes, it’s true that Lynda has low self-esteem. You hit that right on the head, guy. But what
really matters is the fact that she made no counteroffer, which means you’re out. So forget
Lynda. But when you say that her self-esteem is so low that she can’t take the initiative,
you’re rationalizing. Up to this point, Shag, you were brilliant and picked up on what was
really going on with this girl. But you dropped the ball on the connection — or lack thereof
— between low self-esteem and making a counteroffer. I’ve said it a million times before:
Interest Level cuts everything. If Lynda was really interested in you, all she had to say was, “I
can’t make it when you want to go out, but I can make it for the next night.” Simple.

The fact that Lynda has her ex over to watch TV might not make sense to you, but that’s
because you’re a rational being. The important thing is that here you have yet another big red
flag. My book says no exes lurking in the background. Why is Lynda seeing an ex? The
answer is that she has low self-esteem, so she needs the strokes. But is that something you
really want to deal with?

What’s going on with Lynda is very basic: She has no interest in you.

Remember, guys: No counteroffer means you’re out.

When To Propose?
Hey Doc,

I’ve read your book but may need coaching on a little conundrum. Sometimes when you get a
puzzling result, you have to call in a specialist.

I first laid eyes on Jill when she walked past me on a flight from Europe to New York. She
made prolonged eye contact that suggested, “I’m interested and available.” I played it cool
and bumped into her in baggage, which gave us plenty of time to talk and confirm the lack of
a wedding band. I kept the conversation light, funny and interesting. I casually grabbed her
phone number, waited a week to call and set up a lunch date. This led to a casual romance
filled with “adventure” dates (hiking, parasailing, etc.) that started out as a once-every-two-
weeks kind of thing and then progressed to talking on the phone every evening by the fifth
month (I kept the calls no longer than 10 minutes to set up more dates).

Here’s my problem. Through a professional connection, I got word that Jill’s ex-boyfriend,
an Ivy League graduate, was pursuing her big time again, even though they’d broken up a
year previous to my meeting her. Naturally, she’d shared a few details about Frat Boy along
the way, but I had no idea that this guy was rich. I’m talking major VP of a Fortune 500
company. I do well, but quite frankly, I’m happy where I am, make a good living and plan to
retire when I hit 50 to enjoy life instead of working till I drop.

Here’s the rub: Apparently Frat Boy’s biological clock is exploding or something, and Jill is
mid-30s herself. She’s dropped lots of little hints about having babies with me — meaning
she wants to get married ASAP. But I know that your MO is that you don’t even think about
getting serious with a woman until you have a solid year of Flexible Giving under your belt
with her, and I’ve only got six months. Jill also doesn’t seem overly materialistic, but in my
experience you never really know with women.

To her credit, Jill has made it pretty clear to me that this guy is coming on strong, sending
flowers, love notes and asking to get back together. Jill has said that the reason they broke up
to begin with was that he was a “workaholic” and unavailable.

Even so, I’m playing this cool and confident. I didn’t overreact at all upon this “news,” and
kept up the Challenge and mystery (I still leave for weekends with the guys for fishing
expeditions, although Jill tries to make “demands” on my time). I would guess that her
Interest Level has always been at least in the 90s, but with this Ivy League guy putting
himself back in the picture, I’m questioning that for the first time.

Meanwhile, Jill is still dropping marriage hints and saying that she’s more or less ignoring her
ex’s requests for dates and told him to stop contacting her. My question is this: Should I stick
to the program and wait another six months to pop the question, or should I put this
relationship into overdrive and head toward marriage more quickly? I don’t want to lose her
over a perceived reluctance to walk down the aisle.

Dewey - who is curious to see how she’ll react to Frat Boy

Doc Love's Response

Hi Dewey,
You make an excellent point about calling in a specialist when you face a dicey situation.
Most men do not realize how deep my techniques and principles go when it comes to their
problems with women. Guys send me emails two pages long describing their difficulties with
a woman, and they expect me to give them a one-sentence Band-Aid to solve everything. It
doesn’t work that way. In reality, they need major surgery. Like my cousin Brother Love
down in Watts says, “If you got problems with women, there ain’t no quick fixes.”

Let’s move on to Jill. Her prolonged eye contact with you said she was interested, but it didn’t
say that she was necessarily available. So you shouldn’t have jumped to any conclusions.

You should have been seeing Jill at least once a week instead of once every two weeks. And,
remember, the telephone is used to get a date, and that’s all. I know you kept your calls short,
Dewey, but it’s not how long the calls last; it’s the frequency of the calls that’s just as
important. By calling Jill all the time, you’re killing Challenge, Dewey.

When you got the information about Jill and her ex from your professional contact, I hope
you didn’t tell him that you were dating her. How do you know he wouldn’t take that
information and run with it straight to Frat Boy? Still, you had to listen to what he told you,
even if you weren’t sure of its truthfulness and accuracy. As I’ve told you guys before, you
have to be a love detective and factor in all the evidence.

Dewey, you need two years of Flexible Giving with a woman before getting engaged — one-
and-a-half years at the very earliest. One year is not long enough because at that point,
you’re still going out with a stranger. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “After only one year
with a woman, you ain’t seen all her warts yet.” It’s true as you say that you never really
know with women, and I congratulate you on being aware of it.

My question to you is this: if Jill loves you so much, why is she talking to you about other
men? I would advise you not to talk about your exes with her, so why is she not showing you
the same class? Why can’t she prevent herself from baring her soul? To you Psych majors,
women with Interest Levels in the 90s don’t talk about other guys.

The key to this situation, Dewey, is what Jill tells her ex. If she orders him to stop contacting
her — assuming she’s not lying to you – it’s great. But how truthful is she being with you?

No way you can pop the question now, pal. You have to wait another year and a half before
even thinking about it, given the present circumstances with Frat Boy. So, no, you shouldn’t
put this relationship into overdrive. You shouldn’t do anything until this other guy is
completely out of the picture. I don’t like the fact that he’s still coming on to Jill. Here’s
something to think about. When Jill gets an email from Frat Boy, does she erase it or does
she read it? When he mails her flowers, does she mail them back? When he sends her a love
letter, does she write on it “THIS RECIPIENT IS DEAD” and return it? The point is this:
How hard is she really trying to get rid of this guy? My suspicion is that she’s not trying all
that hard since she keeps letting him contact her.

Your problem, Dewey, is that you have an ex-boyfriend lurking in the background, which is a
big no-no. Until that situation is completely cleaned up and you get at least two years in with
Jill, don’t even think about marrying her.

Remember, guys: If she’s talking to an ex, you have to smell a rat.

How To Ask A Girl Out
Hey Doc,

First of all, I just wanted to say that I finished reading “The System” and that it was spot on.
I have also just started listening to your radio shows.

I recently ended a two-year relationship with my girlfriend. She nagged me a lot, had a lousy
attitude and had more baggage/scars than what I wanted to deal with, so after reading your
book I finally ended it with her (which was not easy for me).

My question involves initiating contact with a girl, Nadia, whom I’ve not spoken to in a long
time. We have no prior romantic history. We met a few years ago at a college party and
became friends (she had a boyfriend at the time, so I didn’t bother trying to pursue her).
Occasionally we would bump in to each other in public and talk, but either she was involved
with someone or I was dating someone.

Anyway, I was cruising the internet a few days ago, ran across Nadia’s Facebook page and
saw that she was single. I’m thinking that I would like to talk to her and try to initiate a
coffee date somehow, but the problem is the last time I talked to her was a year and half ago
at a Halloween party. I’m not quite sure how to contact her “out of the blue,” so to speak, and
set something up with her without coming off as a creeper. Doc, I’m hoping you have some
ideas.

Before I end this letter, let me stress that I am in no way obsessed with Nadia. Even though
she’s a cool, down-to-earth girl, I have other prospects on my radar so I would not be
devastated if you told me that pursuing her wasn’t feasible. I just wanted to see if you had any
advice for me regarding this situation.

Thanks!

Shmuel - who would like to give her a shot

Doc Love's Response

Hi Shmuel,

First of all, I would like to award you the Congressional Medal of Honor because you had the
guts to get out of the relationship with your ex-girlfriend when it got really bad. Most guys
out there can’t do what you did. And after you’ve read “The System” many, many more
times — which is what you have to do in order to fully grasp its power and profundity —
you won’t be marooned again for two whole years with a woman who doesn’t deserve you.

No, my friend, committing my book to memory will make you a much wiser man. When your
instincts are sharpened and you are armed with true wisdom, you’ll only last anywhere from
three to 10 dates at most with a bad woman before you blow her off.

What happened here — because you didn’t have the benefit of the wisdom of my book — is
that you wasted an enormous amount of time with your ex, and you’re two years older than
you were when you started with her. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, those are two
precious years you can never get back.” And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A.
says, “Hey, man, I’m not driving the bus over you, but you shouldn’t have spent more than
a few minutes on somebody who gives you a rough time.”

What’s more, dude, think of all the money you spent on someone who nagged you all the time
and had a lousy attitude. It was all a waste. Very sad, Shmuel. And completely uncalled for if
you had known what you were doing. And the only way you would have known what you
were doing is if you had the benefit of the techniques in my book.

Now let’s be real about something, guy. You didn’t just “happen” to be cruising the internet
when you stumbled across Nadia’s face. You looked her up. You’re making it sound like an
accident, when the truth is that it was calculated. So let’s not make this thing something that it
isn’t.

To you Psych majors: You shouldn’t be on Facebook because you don’t want a woman to
know too much about you before you even start dating her. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish”
Love says, “When you tell the entire world where you went to school, and where you work
and everything you like and don’t like, there isn’t much room left for mystery.”

Now, here’s what you’re going to do. Drop Nadia an email and say, “Hey, I haven’t talked to
you for a long time. Let’s get together for a cup of coffee.” Then act as if nothing at all is
happening and nothing is out of the ordinary. In other words, act like you ran into Nadia on
the street just last week. Nonchalance is the key to this situation. If Nadia happens to ask you
why you haven’t contacted her in all this time, tell her you had a girlfriend and you’ve just
now broken up. That’s it. Clean and simple. There’s no need to complicate this situation.

It takes only 30 seconds to send an email to Nadia. If she says yes to your suggestion for
coffee, you’re on your way. If she says no, then you aren’t on your way, but at least you know
where you stand. The point is that it’s no big deal. You’re being a little too emotional about
this situation, and you’re way too worried about what Nadia’s response is going to be. The
truth is that it doesn’t call for anything more than a simple gesture to get the ball rolling. If
Nadia is available and liked you in the past, you’ll get the date.

Remember, guys: You have to swing the bat to get a hit.

Conservative Women
Hey Doc,

I’m losing faith in “The System.” I know you receive a ton of emails, but I hope you’ll
take the time to reply to this one.

I live outside the United States and bought your book when I was a teenager; I’m in my 20s
now. All along, I thought it was the best money I ever spent — until now. Throughout the
years, I have accumulated some experiences that are in conflict with the teachings of “The
System.” Please hear me out.
Yes, I agree that Interest Level cuts across all cultures, that girls help you out when they are
interested and that counteroffers are important. But don’t you think that your method of
testing Interest Level might be flawed when applied to more conservative cultures? I feel that
some aspects of “The System” should be revised. My rationale is that measurement of
Interest Level varies across cultures. Girls might give out numbers to guys, but they may also
want to know more about those guys through texting and phone chats before going out with
them. Refusing to go on a date or not giving a specific counteroffer does not necessarily
mean they have an Interest Level lower than 50%. Perhaps they do have an Interest Level
that’s higher than 50%, but the method used to test it is flawed because it’s a different
yardstick of measurement. Could it be that, for them, going out on a date means a 65%
Interest Level?

Here’s another point. I recently got a lady’s number and called her for a date after a week. We
chatted a bit, and I did not reveal details about myself to her (Challenge). I ended by saying,
“You can find out more about me if you’ll have lunch with me.” Unfortunately, she gave me
the “I don’t know” reply without a specific counteroffer. I ended the conversation after some
small talk and was devastated. To my surprise, she texted me shortly afterward and said, “I
have done some investigations through our mutual friends and have found out more details
about you.” We went on texting for a while. Well, this is still a counteroffer, right? Doesn’t
this mean she wants to take things slow? What would have happened if all contact was ceased
and her phone number flushed?

The point is that we evaluate women through their Interest Levels, but they are screening us
through new communication technologies such as Facebook. Why would a woman waste time
meeting men face to face when she can find out more about them through texting, messaging
or their Facebook profile? I’m not saying we do not have to close the deal, because we do.
But don’t you think that it is too premature and too extreme to make a decision using your
method, based on just one call?

Doc, I am grateful for your knowledge, but I can no longer steadfastly practice your methods
as I used to.

Yacqui - who is curious to hear what you have to say

Doc Love's Response

Hi Yacqui,

When a guy is in “conflict” with “The System,” it means that some women have told them
that it doesn’t work with them. But, in reality, those women merely have low Interest Levels
or bad attitudes. My principles still work — they always work.

My methods are most definitely not flawed when it comes to more conservative women and
cultures. But while in some more conservative countries you might not kiss a girl on the
second date, if she has high Interest Level in you, she will still light up like a Christmas tree.
She will still touch your arm, she will laugh at all your corny jokes and she will show up on
time. To you Psych majors, while you might not kiss a girl on a second date in certain
cultures, it doesn’t mean the entire “System” is flawed. In that situation, you would simply
modify that single point. That’s all.

Furthermore, and perhaps most importantly, measurement of Interest Level does not vary
across cultures. So your assumption here is dead wrong. When a girl has 80% Interest Level
in you in Montana and she has 80% Interest Level in you in the Philippines, she still has 80%
Interest Level in you. The only difference is that one girl you might kiss, and one girl you
might not kiss as quickly. But regardless of when the kiss happens, a girl will show her
Interest Level. She will just show it in other ways.

Dude, all women want to know more about you, but you’re not supposed to give in to them.
That’s part of being a Challenge. Every other guy blurts his guts out during texting and phone
calls for six or eight weeks, but he will probably not even get a first date. What a waste of
time!

Yacqui, not giving a counteroffer or refusing to go on a date with you does mean the woman
has less than 50% Interest Level. When she likes you, she has an Interest Level of above
50%, and when she doesn’t, it’s below 50%. It’s that simple. For a babe to go out with you,
she must have Interest Level of 51% or higher. If she won’t go out with you, her interest is
49% or less. What you don’t understand is that you’re struggling to build rapport through
texting and chatting because she doesn’t want to spend time sitting across from you. And
that’s because she had low Interest Level to begin with and you didn’t pass the Physical
Attraction Test.

You shouldn’t have told the lady that she could find out more about you if she had lunch with
you. You should have just asked her out. You should have said, “Listen, I’d like to you take
you out to dinner, and I’ll pick you up at six o’clock on Thursday.” Like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says, “You’re going on a date, not a business meeting.” So you’re destroying
“The System” just by how you asked the lady out. When she said “I don’t know” and didn’t
counteroffer, it meant her Interest Level was 49% or less. Again, it’s that simple. You’re
reading too much into it and rationalizing.

Now, let me get this straight. You were devastated by a woman who you’ve never been out
with? That means you’ve got other problems, my friend. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says,
“Boy, you’re way too sensitive.” It’s all right to get sensitive when you go out with a girl for
six months and she drops you cold, not when you don’t get a first date.

And you’re wrong about her alleged counteroffer. It wasn’t a counteroffer at all. A
counteroffer applies to dates, not texting. You can text a girl until the cows come home, but
she will probably never give you the first date. That means she’s a stroker, a time-waster. Are
you sure you have the right book? And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says,
“The reason she’s taking things slow is because she’s not interested in you.” Yacqui, if you’d
have flushed this lady’s number, you wouldn’t have blown a lot of time with somebody
whose Interest Level is south of the border.

A woman can’t find out about a man through texting and chatting because she can’t see him.
Therefore, she can’t read his body language. She’s only looking at some letters and digits on
a phone pad. She’s not looking at the way he moves or his face or his eyes, and she’s not
hearing his voice and the way it modulates. She — and you — are missing all of that crucial
interplay. Texting is only 30% or 40% of communication. Without assessing body language,
you don’t know what a woman really feels or what her true responses are.

Pal, it’s not at all premature for a guy to base a decision on one phone call. If a woman is not
available at that time, you move on and it’s over. One more thing. You haven’t been
practicing my methods, Yacqui. If you had, you would know what’s going on right now.
Remember, guys: “The System” took 40 years to build, so keep the faith.

Open Relationships: Doc Love

Hey Doc,

I’m stuck in an open relationship.

Holly and I started dating a few months ago. We act like a married couple, but we both have
other partners who we get romantic with. I want to be exclusive with Holly, but she says that
she can’t allow it because she could never provide me with what I want. She says she would
rather be friends with me and not break my heart if we got into an exclusive relationship
because she cares too much about me as a person.

Holly says that she is not attracted to me, but she calls me cute and never hesitates to get
romantic with me. We don’t kiss or sit next to each other or hold hands or anything like that.
We even go to other rooms when we call the other people we date. She doesn’t let her friends
know that she’s with me much of the time, but they know who to call when they can’t find
her.

Since we spend a lot of time together, Holly leaves her things at my place. Her friends tell her
that I am one of the best guys she’s ever dated. What I can say for her is that she takes care of
me when I’m broke, feeling down or if I just want someone to be there. I don’t interfere with
the other guys she dates, but when I tried dating two other women recently, she made sure to
undermine the relationships.

Doc, what I need to know is whether I’m dating someone who is confused, or if I have the
foundation for a long-term relationship with Holly. I’m tired of being called Holly’s
boyfriend when I’m not. I’ve fallen for this woman and can’t back off.

Lowell - who feels like he’s starting to go crazy

Doc Love's Response

Hi Lowell,

Straight out of the chute, when you utter the words “open relationship,” I smell a big rat.
What the heck do you mean by an open relationship? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from
East L.A. says, “An open relationship means no relationship.”

When you tell me that you and Holly both get romantic with other people, you’re verifying
the fact you two are not having a monogamous relationship, which is my specialty. Dude, if
your relationship is not monogamous, then you and Holly have a huge problem. Because like
my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If there are more than two of you involved in a
romance, somebody is always going to get jealous or bruised.” To you Psych majors, this
type of situation is dangerous and by definition invites someone mired in the mess to get
jealous or hurt — which they have a right to be.

When Holly told you that she could never provide you with what you need, she was coming
straight out and saying that she couldn’t satisfy you and you refused to listen to her.
Holly doesn’t care “too much” about you as a person. You’re deluded here. It’s just the
opposite, pal: She cares too little about you. What she’s telling you indirectly is that she has
low interest level in you. If she cared too much about you, she would be wildly in love with
you and all over you and you alone. And that’s definitely not the case here. You’re mixing up
“caring” with what happens in a romantic relationship. Holly is just using Womanese to keep
you happy.

What’s more, Holly has told you that she is not attracted to you. The first principle of “The
System” is that you have to pass the Physical Attraction Test. Apparently you’re not familiar
with my materials, buddy.

This babe might get romantic with you on occasion, but like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
“You might have her body once in a while, but you don’t have her heart.” You have to win
the woman’s heart to have a true romantic relationship with her. Of course you don’t kiss
Holly or hold hands with her, because if you did, she’d be your girlfriend, which she’s not.

Now, get this straight. You’re not dating Holly, no matter what she tells her friends. She’s
lying to you, Lowell. Dating implies a romantic relationship. Holly doesn’t have a romantic
relationship with you. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You’re like a little brother to this
gal.” All the things that Holly does for you, like giving you money and hanging around you
when you’re lonely, have nothing to do with a romantic relationship. None of her alleged
generosity is coming from her being a Giver in a romantic relationship. And if she
undermines your other dates, all it means is that she’s a sick puppy, just like you are.

One more thing. Holly isn’t confused about anything at all, guy. You are the one who’s
confused. This vixen knows exactly what she’s up to. She has a different agenda from you,
and you refuse to admit that her Interest Level in you is less than 50%. You might be her
little brother or her best friend, but Holly has zero romantic interest in you. As far as a
foundation for a long-term relationship is concerned, you’re dreaming, my friend.

You might be tired of being called Holly’s boyfriend when you’re not, but that’s what you’re
going to be called for the rest of your life — maybe longer. If you’ve fallen for Holly and
can’t back off, you’ve put your finger on exactly what your problem is: no Self-Control.
You’d better develop some fast if you don’t want to go over the edge on account of this babe.

Remember, guys: If you have her mixed up with someone who cares, you’re wasting your
time.

Low Self-Esteem
Hey Doc,

I’m in serious trouble with a girl in my office.

Basically, I am an average guy 25-year-old with a lean body and decent looks. When I was in
school I had an accident that left a scar on my hand. Due to this, I have a very low self-image
and low self-confidence when it comes to interacting with girls. During college, I tried to
avoid them, assuming that no one would like someone who has an ugly scar. So I don’t know
how to talk to girls. I’ve become an introvert. As a result, girls have avoided me because I
behave like a weird guy around them.

A year ago, Simone, a very cute girl, joined our office. We became friends instantly. This was
very different for me. She showed lots of interest in me and praised me for my work. She
made me feel like I was the only guy in the office she liked. She made physical contact when
we walked or sat together. Sometimes we talked on the phone for an hour. I’d never talked
with a girl on the phone before. I felt on top of the world. One day I said, “I like you. Will
you be my girlfriend?”

I said it because I thought she’d say yes. Instead, it changed everything in an instant. Simone
told me she wasn’t interested in any kind of relationship and that we couldn’t be friends
anymore. She ignored me in the office and no longer talked to me. Since she sits close by, it
was very painful for me. I was totally heartbroken and went into a depression. Simone started
hanging out with other guys in the office. Every other guy in the office fell for her since she’s
so hot.

It’s now a year later, and those other guys have left the company. Simone and I talk, but it’s
awkward. She treats me like a friend, but I feel she is using me because there’s no one else
left for her in the office. She only thinks of me when she needs help. Doc, I still crave
Simone’s company and want to be with her. I don’t know what I will do if I can’t be with her,
but her mood swings make me anxious. Should I break off this so-called “friendship” or hang
on just in case she will eventually like me? I think of nothing but her, even when I’m at
home. Should I leave the job because of her? Should I confront her directly about my issues?
I’m not able to concentrate on my job anymore, and the situation is affecting my health.

I eagerly await your reply.

Stashu - who is losing his grip

Doc Love's Response

Hi Stashu,

You’re in serious trouble with a girl in your office for one reason and one reason only: you
don’t have my materials, and you don’t have them memorized. Period. If you had my
principles and techniques down cold, you wouldn’t be in any trouble at all, and Simone
wouldn’t have affected you in the least. She would be nothing but a blip on the screen of your
life. Regarding your scar, Stashu, there are many below-average-looking guys and guys with
scars on various parts of their bodies from dangerous jobs like construction, but they don’t
stop living. There are effective ways to handle this sort of problem, but you don’t know what
they are because you don’t have my book.

A guy with a scar on his belly from an operation might just say to a girl, “Hey, I was in a
battle with a samurai, and I lost.” He keeps it light and funny and makes a joke of it. To you
Psych majors, if he puts across to the girl that a scar is no big deal, then it’s no big deal — to
him or to her. The truth of the matter is that we all have scars, whether or not you can see
them, but they don’t have to prevent life from being fulfilling.

But if your scar bothers you so much that you can’t function, you should try to have
something done about it. The advances in plastic surgery have been nothing short of
astounding. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Heck, nowadays, they’re putting new
faces on people.”

You didn’t become friends with Simone instantly, pal. She was the only girl who ever paid
any attention to you. You were her friend, but you didn’t know what she really felt about you.
The truth is that she was probably just nice to you because you helped her with her work. You
might have talked to Simone on the phone for an hour, but you weren’t dating her, and,
therefore, you shouldn’t be blabbing to her on the phone. You should have been dating
Simone. You should have gotten her number and taken her out to dinner, to shoot pool or go
bowling. You never did that, Stashu. If you had done that in the first place, you wouldn’t be
in this mess now.

Of course asking Simone to be your girlfriend changed everything in an instant. That’s

because she was just being polite to you or using you to help her do her job. But she had no
romantic feeling toward you whatsoever. And since you never had a date in your life, it was
tough for you to handle the situation. With your low self-esteem, I’m sorry to say, it’s going
to be tough for you to get a girl and handle her correctly.

Actually, you should have waited for Simone to ask you to become her boyfriend instead of
the other way around. But since you don’t have my materials, you’re at a terrible
disadvantage, because you don’t have the proper strategy. And you need a lot of work as it is
because you have such low self-confidence. When an opportunity like Simone came up, you
couldn’t handle it because you don’t have my book memorized and, therefore, you’re not
equipped to do anything with the opportunity. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts
says, “You can’t play in the ball game unless you’re prepared.”

Explain something to me, Stashu. How can you go into a depression over a girl you’ve never
been on a single date with? Simone never even said she liked you, man. Do you realize how
out of touch with reality you are? Do you realize how far you have to go? Do you realize how
strong you have to be to deal with the opposite sex?

If you feel that Simone is using you in the office, just say no. All you have to do when she
asks you for something is say, "I’m busy," and then smile and walk away. But like my cousin
Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You couldn’t get the ’N’ word out to a girl if your life
depended on it.” This is because you’re not trained.

Let me straighten you out on something else. Simone doesn’t have mood swings; she has low
Interest Level. You’ve got it all wrong here, my friend. Simone just doesn’t care for you.

To think that Simone will eventually like you is insane. It’s like asking whether you will win
the lottery. And like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, winning the lottery would be
easier than getting this girl to like you.”

You might think of nothing but Simone when you’re at home, but, sadly, when she’s at home,
she never thinks about you. Don’t leave your job because of her. What you have to do is get
yourself trained. You have to memorize my book and listen to my radio show ASAP. Given
the shape you’re in, it’s going to take two to four years to get your head straightened out, so
you’d better start on it right this minute, Stashu. Of course you can’t confront Simone about
your issues. She’s not your psychiatrist. She doesn’t care about any of your issues. You still
don’t get it: This babe never even thinks of you.

Remember, guys: Unless you memorize my materials, you don’t have a chance.

A Married Woman
Hey Doc,

I’m a great fan of your work, and I happen to be going through the toughest moment of my
life.

I started going out with Ruby when she was legally married. Her husband dumped her for
another woman and now has a baby with the other woman. Everything was going fine
between Ruby and me when her husband sent an email out of the blue telling her that he was
coming back to her and calling her the love of his life. Ruby went berserk and started crying.
She said she wanted us to be only friends and that she would go back to her husband.

Guess what I did? I said, “You’ve conquered me, but I’m never friends with my exes.” Then I
stopped answering her phone calls and disappeared from her life. What happened next
shocked me. Ruby wrote me an email telling me that I was the man of her life. She even came
to my workplace — walking 30 minutes to get there — to see me and talk to me. Now Ruby
has decided to dump her ex forever.

At the moment, Ruby and I are in the honeymoon phase, but one problem still persists. She
calls me all the time and doesn’t like it when I don’t answer the phone. Since she’s all over
me all the time, how can I continue being a Challenge? I really dig Ruby and don’t want to
blow it with her. Thanks for any words of wisdom.

Imanuel - who feels like he’s been through a war

Doc Love's Response

Hi Imanuel,

First of all, if you had my materials, you would never have gone out with a married woman.
Ever. To you Psych majors, you don’t go out with a woman who’s hitched. You wait for
her to get all the legal paperwork finished, and then you go out with her.

Well, I have to say that Ruby sounds like the consistent type. As soon as the computer flashed
her husband’s name, she was back in his arms! And she was supposed to be head over heels
for you? Gosh, I’d hate to see what would have happened if she didn’t like you, man!

That said, it was the right thing to do to disappear from Ruby’s life when she
unceremoniously dumped you to go back to her husband. But what you don’t seem to
understand, pal, is that since you went out with a married woman, this thing was dead in the
water from the get go. Furthermore, you wouldn’t be in this mess if you hadn’t dated a
legally bound woman.

It’s not at all a shock to me that Ruby came running back to you when you completely
ignored her. It’s called the power of Challenge, dude. But instead of taking her right back
when she showed up at your job, you should have told her that you needed at least 60 days to
think it over. When a woman does to you what Ruby did, you don’t just capitulate to her
whims. It destroys the entire concept of Challenge, for one thing, and tells her that she can do
whatever she wants to you again. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “When
she does you dirt, you don’t just say 'I forgive you' and take her back. What’s wrong with
you, bro?

And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “When you rob a bank, you have to do time.”
This is the same thing, my friend.

If Ruby gets all bent out of shape when you don’t pick up the phone when she calls you at all
hours of day and night, it means she has low Self-Esteem, which is a huge red flag and
something you would have known if you’d memorized my book. And just think, like my
cousin Rabbi Love says, “She’s going to be doing this for the next 40 years.”

Imanuel, did you ever think that maybe Ruby’s low Self-Esteem and wacky behavior is what
drove her husband nuts? And maybe it wasn’t really another woman who precipitated the
breakup of their marriage. Have you thought of that? Maybe Ruby was just a lousy wife, and
he met someone else when his Interest Level was in the pits — not that I would ever condone
a husband or wife committing adultery, because under no circumstance would I.

Now, if Ruby is all over you, you can’t even breathe. But I don’t think you should worry
about being a Challenge to her. I think you should get rid of this babe. She is not good for
you. In another 30 or 40 days, if you two have an argument, she’ll call up her ex-husband
again and beg him to take her back. Do you really want to be involved in something like this,
guy? And Ruby’s husband has a big problem because now he’s the father of a child with
another woman, which only adds to the mess. All three of these people are screwed up: Ruby,
her husband and her husband’s new girlfriend. The one I really feel sorry for is the new baby.
Imanuel, you should get out of this entire quagmire as quickly as possible. Like the old
cowboy saying goes, “Run for the hills!”

If you want to continue seeing Ruby, however, you have to tell her that you’re not available
on a 24-hour-a-day basis. Like my cousin General Love says, “She has to learn that you’re
not a paramedic.” And tell her that she has to quit phoning you and that you’ll talk when you
see each other. If she can’t abide by those guidelines, then you have to dump her. But whether
or not you want to hear it, Imanuel, I say you have to dump her anyway — now.

Remember, guys: If you date a married woman, you will get hurt.

You're In Love
Hey Doc,

I’m 24 and met Tracee, who is 21, through a mutual friend. One weekend we went out with a
group of people, got drunk and very romantic, and one thing led to another. She was by far
the hottest girl I’ve ever had. In the morning it was awkward, but we decided that this was not
a one-night thing and that we had started something.
In the weeks that followed, things moved very quickly. We spent a lot of time together,
with me sleeping at her place almost every night of the week. Within two weeks, she had
already met most of my family, and I met her mother.

As time went on, she started taking the position that she was too busy for a relationship and
not emotionally available, as she was still healing from her last relationship. She insisted that
this had always been her position. I could relate, and we agreed that neither of us really knew
what we wanted or what to expect, so we were basically just decided to have a good time and
see where it would go.

I quickly figured out that this was an incredibly stressful place for me to be in since I had
developed feelings for Tracee, who wasn’t officially my girlfriend. I began getting hurt by
things she would do, from how little time and attention she gave me to the way she danced
with others when we went out. Then we basically stopped talking for a week or two.
Eventually I decided that I didn’t have the energy for what I began to see as her little games,
and I wrote her a letter about how she’d hurt me and why I had to move on.

I was fine for a few days, and then I began to feel like I was losing my mind. I was extremely
depressed, had no energy and began suffering panic attacks. All of this was new to me. The
other day when Tracee walked past my store (we both work in the same shopping mall) we
didn’t even make eye contact, but just seeing her felt like getting punched in the gut. I nearly
fell to the ground, got lightheaded and had the worst anxiety attack I’ve ever experienced. I
held it together for a couple more hours, then went out to my truck to cry my heart out.

My friends have been very supportive. The other day I was talking to one about how horrible
I was feeling and she said “Oh, you fell in love!” As the days passed, I began to wonder if
she might be on to something. Despite Tracee’s current party-girl/workaholic mode, she still
seems like the best (if not only) fit I’ve ever encountered for “wife material.”

Although I’ve been working hard to avoid contact with her, and to stand taller and walk
confidently past her store, I find myself still wanting her back very badly. But I haven’t seen
any signs that this feeling is mutual. I’m finding it very difficult to move on because, for one
thing, we weren’t really together long enough to have any fights or get sick of anything about
each other. I find this whole situation rather ridiculous, and can’t believe what I’m going
through! Over what? But I cannot deny the physical and emotional symptoms that are
crippling me. I’m at a loss.

Jonny - who is crushed

Doc Love's Response

Hi Jonny,

You know why it was awkward with Tracee in the morning? Because you didn’t have any
kind of relationship with her, that’s why. If you had known this girl, it might have been
different. That’s why I always tell you guys that the longer you wait to get romantic and
intimate with a girl the better, because that way you get to know and understand her, which
you didn’t do.
Sleeping at Tracee’s place every night of the week was another huge blunder. Like my Uncle
Jethro Love says, “You do that, and you’re gonna wear out your welcome fast, boy.” You
have to back off a girl and let her wonder and ponder how much she likes and misses you.

Jonny, you didn’t work Challenge at all. In fact, I don’t think you even understand the
concept. Like most men, you rushed straight into rejection. And another thing: You’re not
supposed to meet her family for six months, and you did it within two weeks. Could you have
been more of a pushover, guy? Why didn’t you just ask Tracee to marry you the night you
met?

Tracee might be healing from her last boyfriend, but she did have an Interest Level in you for
at least one night. Then it went straight into the toilet, and that’s your problem. And when a
girl says she’s too busy for a relationship or she’s not emotionally available, that means you
don’t have a chance of even one in a million.

Jonny, you’re lying when you say that you and Tracee were loose and just wanted to have fun
and see where things would go. Admit it, pal: You liked this girl a lot. The problem is that she
didn’t like you.

Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You wanted this thing to go somewhere, and she
didn’t want it to go anywhere.” So stop rationalizing, please. Why did you have all these
feelings for Tracee when she didn’t ask you to be her boyfriend? Your Interest Level was way
up in the 90s, where hers should have been but wasn’t.

Now, let me get this straight. You don’t like the way Tracee dances with other people? Like
my cousin Eddie Love says, “This babe digs you so much she’s crawling all over other guys
on the dance floor.” Ouch. I’d hate to see how she would have acted if she didn’t like you!

The reason you felt like you were losing your mind over Tracee is because the emptiness left
by rejection was engulfing your stomach, my friend. Why? Because your Interest Level is up
in the stratosphere and Tracee’s is well below 50%. Your friend was right — you are in love.

But, Jonny, wouldn’t it be better to look for wife material in someone who actually likes to
see you? The first thing you have to do is get your head on straight, and that’s where my
book comes in handy. When you pointed out that you don’t see any sign whatsoever that your
feelings for Tracee are mutual, you said it all right there, man. And that means you're out.
You might not have gotten sick of Tracee, but that’s because your Interest Level is still as
high as it can get. What you neglect to mention is that Tracee is completely sick of you,
which is the only thing that matters!

Remember, guys: If you’re confused about a woman, you need to memorize "The System."

Chasing A Girl
Hey Doc,

I need your advice. First of all, I’ve been an owner of "The System" for over a year now and
have put your words to good use. The eye-opening part for me was that the relationship is
totally based on the woman’s Interest Level and nothing else.
My issue involves a stunning woman named Jasmine. We met at a party three years ago. She
couldn’t get enough of my attention and begged me to stay and talk with her all night. We
dated for a while until she moved out of state. When she moved back, we started dating again.
I maintained Challenge the whole time and even ended our friendship when she disrespected
me once. She apologized and promised to never do it again. Impressed with the integrity she
displayed, I allowed our friendship to continue. This time, when we started dating again, she
said she wanted to be my girlfriend.

Is She Still Interested?

Recently, when I ran into a couple of relatives while with Jasmine, I introduced her as my
friend and not my girlfriend. This made her upset, and she accused me of not being in love
with her or, for some reason, embarrassed by her. The truth is that I wanted to move slowly.
Now she’s not calling me as much and has not even returned a couple of my calls. I know I’m
not supposed to be calling her more than she calls me, so I’ve stopped after two unanswered
calls.

Doc, I feel Jasmine’s Interest Level has dropped like a rock. What should I do to get it back
up? Am I being a Macho Boy by not chasing a girl? I don’t want to drop her Interest Level
even more by being less of a Challenge. Is she just testing me over some small issue?

Please help me decide what to do.

Hitchcock - who can’t figure her out

Doc Love’s Response

Hi Hitchcock,

You are indeed correct: The relationship is based on the woman’s Interest Level and nothing
else. But what most men tend to do is confuse their own feelings with the woman’s feelings.
To you Psych majors, this is called projection and has nothing whatsoever to do with the
Reality Factor. But if you internalize the techniques of "The System," you’ll be on guard
against that very dangerous tendency.

What you didn’t realize, dude, was that the outcome of your relationship with Jasmine was
determined very early on, when she moved out of the state. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
from East L.A. says, “If she really loved you, she wouldn’t have moved a thousand miles
away.” So right there this thing was dead in the water. To you Psych majors, when a woman
decides to put a lot of distance between the two of you, she’s telling you something.
Hitchcock, you weren’t listening to what Jasmine was saying to you.

Now take a close look at what happened between you and this lady. First she moves out of
the state, and then she comes back and disrespects you. Like the great Doctor Freud once
said, “Do you see a pattern here?” If you don’t, you should, my friend.

Don't let her walk all over you

You say that you allowed your relationship with Jasmine to continue after she dissed you, but
what you should have done was tell her to get lost for a couple of months. Like my cousin
Rabbi Love says, “When a man robs a bank, he might tell the court he’s sorry, but he still has
to go to jail.” In other words, Jasmine has to pay for her sins, guy. Like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says, “When she dumps on you, why the heck are you giving her a free pass?”
Hitch, you let Jasmine go easy because you have no self-control and can’t stand the pain of
being alone.

You shouldn’t have introduced Jasmine as your friend or your girlfriend. What’s wrong with
just saying “This is Jasmine”? That said, I can understand why she might have been insulted
by not being referred to as your squeeze. But it’s just a smokescreen in the end because this
thing had no life in it from the minute Jasmine moved out of state to get away from you. Her
Interest Level was on the way into the tank at that point.

Chasing A Girl Is A Waste Of Time

The reason Jasmine’s not calling you or even returning your phone calls now is because her
Interest Level has dropped precipitously to well below the 50% mark. And it means that
you’re finished, Hitchcock.

There’s nothing you can do to revive Jasmine’s Interest Level because it has gone way south
of the border. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Once it’s down there, it ain’t never comin’
back.” You would know that if you had committed my book to memory by reading it at least
15 times. If you had memorized "The System," if you had lived with it and used its
principles every single day, the book would have become instinctive for you and you
wouldn’t be asking me the questions you’re asking now because you would already know the
answers. In this case, you would grasp that Jasmine wants nothing to do with you and that it’s
time to move on.

No, you shouldn’t call Jasmine again. Why would you want to beg her for attention when it’s
obvious that she doesn’t want to give you any? When a woman leaves two of your calls
unreturned, the ballgame is over. Not chasing a girl when she won’t give you the time of day
has nothing to do with being a Macho Boy. Like my cousin General Love says, “It just means
you still have a few shreds of dignity left.”

Hitchcock, you can’t drive Jasmine’s Interest Level any lower at this point. She’s not testing
you over any issue at all, so there’s nothing to decide.

Remember, guys: When she moves out of state, it means she’s not interested in you.

Depression And Dating

Hey Doc,

I have a question that you may not get quite so often. I recently went through a tough period
when I was depressed, and during that depression, I met many girls and also burned many
bridges. I played the numbers game to the extreme because I literally saw girls as replaceable
and didn’t care about how I acted with them. Looking back, one of the girls really stood out to
me, and I wish I had another chance with her.

I played on a basketball team with Misty, and she actually got to know the real me — not the
depressed me — very well, and she was interested in me. After a few interactions, however,
she found out about the depression, and her interest started to wane. Some time later, we met
at a party. She was attracted to me, and I could have had a shot at dating her, but since I was
so preoccupied with multiple girls, I couldn’t focus on her.

Getting A Second Chance

Afterward, I pretty much cut off contact with her, before I had a chance to really mess it up.
But I never truly did anything terrible, like making out with another girl in front of her. Doc,
do you think there’s any way to talk to Misty and explain to her what happened without
looking like a needy, broken wuss, and get myself a second chance with her? Misty happens
to be a friend of my friends, so I know that I will see her at some point in the future and
would really like to try again with her. But I don’t really know how to behave going into this.
I would really appreciate your input.

Belvin - who’s never been in this type of situation before

Doc Love’s Response

Hi Belvin,

First of all, I’m very sorry that you feel so low. Maybe you should visit a psychiatrist and get
some pills or whatever other treatment is available to you. But your mental state is another
subject for another forum. I am a coach, not a shrink. When you say you are burning bridges,
you are telling me that you are aware that you are making huge mistakes with women. To you
psych majors, when you’re depressed, you shouldn’t be around women, so you shouldn't have
any bridges to burn in the first place.

Don't Show You're Depressed

So don’t ask women out when you are depressed. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says,
“If you’re going to be around babes when you’re bummed out, you have to talk yourself into
pretending to be another, happier individual until you get out of the building.” Once you’re
away from the women, you can go back into your funk. The main point is that you don’t show
this side of yourself to a woman. She doesn’t want to see that dark side of you when you are
out to get a date with her. There’s nothing light and funny in depression, and when it comes to
women, you have to keep it light and funny.

Saying that you didn’t care about how you acted around women is the stupidest statement I’ve
ever heard in my life. You have to care how you act around women if you want to be
successful with them. You don’t have to care how you act around men. But women? No way.
What were you thinking, Belvin? Maybe you weren’t thinking at all.

You might crave another chance with Misty, but, sadly, you don’t get another chance with a
woman once you’ve blown the first one. As I’ve told you many times before, you get one
chance per girl per lifetime. That’s it. There are no second chances or third chances. Once you
blow it with a babe, once her Interest Level dips to 49%, you’re out forever.

Of course Misty’s interest in you waned when she found out that you were in a downward
slide. But, again, why did you show it to her in the first place? Why were you around her
when you were in such a negative state of mind? Why did you play hoops with her when you
were in the dumper? How did all of this dark stuff come out? If I gave you a million dollars to
not be depressed around Misty, I bet you would have hid your depression quite well, wouldn’t
you? And if you don’t have the ability to hide it, please go and consult a professional with a
sheepskin.

When you saw Misty at the party, all you had to do was walk up to her, talk to her for five
minutes and ask for her phone number. What do you mean when you say you couldn’t
“focus” on her? All it would have taken was five minutes to figure out whether or not she
was interested in going out with you.

While you say that you never messed up by making out with another girl in front of Misty,
the crucial point is that she already knows about your depression. She can never forget it.
Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “It’s an indelible deposit in her memory bank for the rest
of her life.”

There’s no chance whatsoever that you are going to have a second shot with this woman.
She’s already lost interest in you, dude. There’s no point in trying again with her. From now
on, whenever you’re around her, you’re going to smile and say hello and act like nothing
whatsoever has happened. Pretend like you never talked to her and like it’s the first time you
ever met. That’s what my book would have trained you to do, but I’m sure you don’t have it.
My friend, not knowing how to behave around Misty is exactly why you need “The System.”

Remember, guys: it’s OK to be depressed, but it’s not OK to tell the world about it.

Challenge In A Relationship
Hey Doc,

I’ve got a rough one for you. After reading your columns I’ve begun to think that you actually
might be onto something. I’ve realized it sucks that we can’t just tell our feelings to women,
but I guess if we want to keep the girl, we can’t.

I’m a pretty attractive guy, funny and very easy to get along with. I got close to Katie, who is
very beautiful, nice, funny, and we had similar interests. I really did think she was the girl
that I could love.

I thought I had absolutely no chance with her, but after a few months of flirting, somehow I
bagged her. All my friends said she was the biggest catch at our university and joked that she
was way too hot for me. I laughed with them because it was true.

Things were great for about three months. I was her first boyfriend ever, so I tried to lead her
down the path of a relationship. But after three months she suddenly ended it. Her reasons
were that “she wasn’t feeling it anymore” and that she didn’t think “it was meant to be.” Like
an idiot I wrote her a long email asking her to give us another chance. After a few weeks of
heartbreak, I bought "The System," but now I still am not quite sure what was wrong.

I will agree that I presented no Challenge to Katie. But before we were together I did present
Challenge, and I thought that once we were finally together, I wouldn’t have to be a
Challenge anymore. I was also very open with her, telling her how much I loved her, etc. Do
I really need to keep my hand hidden for the duration of the relationship, or was this one truly
not meant to be? We still remain friends today, and very close, which is quite annoying.
What did I do wrong? I really, really liked this girl and can’t understand what happened. Is
there anything I can do to get her back? I’ve been biding my time, and she seems to be getting
closer and closer, but I’m not sure if it means anything. I truly believe we were incredibly
compatible and would be amazing together. She agreed, saying our relationship was almost
effortless because it flowed so easily.

Perry - who is devastated

Doc Love’s Response

Hi Perry,

Let me ask you a question: Why does it suck that you can’t blurt out your feelings to women?
What do you expect that to accomplish? To you Psych majors, you show the woman your
feelings through your actions. In other words, you do it non-verbally. Period. What’s wrong
with that?

Like most guys, you don’t understand that you can’t keep a woman by emoting. What drives
her nuts is when she knows you love her but you don’t verbalize it. That’s what makes her
like you more. Most women would disagree with me on this if you asked them, but it’s the
truth.

Perry, you might be attractive, you might be the second coming of Warren Beatty, but
attractive guys are only assured of getting something going with a woman. Unless you say
and do the right things after she gets past your attractiveness, your good looks mean nothing.
There are lots of average-looking guys who know how to keep women in love with them, and
you don’t. There’s the proof. What you had here was one of the best-looking women at the
university, and you did well to bag her. But there are two parts to a relationship. First you
have to catch her, but then you have to keep her.

I’m not sure what you mean by “leading Katie down the path to a relationship,” but it sounds
to me like you were not using "The System." The end of the relationship might have been
sudden to you, but Katie was getting turned off after the fifth or sixth week.

You were on your way out long before you knew it, guy. Katie wasn’t feeling it anymore
because you lowered her Interest Level. As I said before, you caught her, but you couldn’t
keep her. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “If you can’t keep a fish that you hook, you’re a
lousy fisherman.”

Like the vast majority of men out there, you don’t know how to keep a woman in love with
you. When you wrote Katie an email asking for another chance, it’s called begging, which
lowers Interest Level, and in your case, even worse. Nowhere in your letter do you ever
mention Katie’s Interest Level, curiously enough. All you talk about is how great and
beautiful she is and how much you adore her, but nowhere do you talk about her wild desire
for you. And you should know, if you read my book even once, that the only important
determinant in a relationship is the woman's Interest Level.

Perry, you don’t know what went wrong because you haven’t read my book 15 times. You
have to read my book every week for 15 weeks. You can get my techniques intellectually
after two or three reads, but you won’t integrate them on an emotional or an instinctive level.
But when you say that you were no Challenge to Katie, right there is your problem. You just
answered your own question. Being a Challenge is what would have kept Katie in love.

But you thought you wouldn’t have to be a Challenge to Katie once you got her. In other
words, you immediately abandoned the tactics that snagged her in the first place. In fact, you
decided to act directly against them by gushing all over her. You don’t tell a woman how
much you like her — you show a woman how much you like her. Like my cousin General
Love says, “It’s like a bow and arrow. You push the bow away and draw the arrow toward
you.”

What’s wrong with keeping your hand hidden? Why do you have to verbalize your
feelings every other minute? Why are you dying to tell this girl every emotion? What
really counts, especially to a sharp woman, is how you treat her. It’s your actions that
count —that’s all.

And it’s not a matter of what’s meant to be or not meant to be. Dude, you had this girl but
lost her through what you did and ignorance of the proper principles. Like my cousin Rabbi
Love says, “Fate had nothing to do with your failure.” “Being close” as a friend is not
annoying to Katie because you’re out. But like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Since
you’re friends, maybe she’ll invite you to the wedding when she marries another guy.”

What did you do wrong? Well, you’re not a Challenge and you’ve got a big mouth. There’s
nothing you can do to get Katie back. Once Interest Level hits 49%, you’re out forever. It
means absolutely nothing that you and Katie are getting closer and closer. Like my cousin
Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “When you have a friendship with an ex-girlfriend, it’s
a waste of time.”

Thinking that you two would have been great together is just a fantasy now. In reality, it’s all
in the past. Katie might have said that your relationship flowed effortlessly, but the problem is
that you became boring.

Remember, guys: It’s easy to catch a girl, but it’s hard to keep her.

How To Get A Girl's Number

Hey Doc,

I recently met Jillian at a karaoke competition. I walked up to her and told her she did a good
job. We talked for about 10 minutes. I should have asked for her phone number, but I didn’t
want to seem too pushy. However, she was very friendly and easy to talk to. She happens to
work at a restaurant I frequent. She said to come and visit her some time when I go there. I
said I would request her section. She is a “10” by the way, but I hope to win her over through
Challenge.

Moving Too Fast?

Through Facebook I invited Jillian to a party I was throwing and posted a comment that it
would be cool if she could make it. I also messaged her, but got no response to either. I know
this was a mistake, but I’m only reading your book now. I am guessing that Jillian has no
interest in me because she would have probably responded to one of those messages. Her
sister happens to work at the same restaurant as Jillian does, and she usually ends up being
our waitress.

This gives me an opportunity to say something to Jillian’s sister that I am sure she will tell
Jillian. I don’t want to ask her for Jillian’s phone number or anything. But if I happen to see
Jillian and she seems interested in me, I will go ahead and ask her for it. But should I say
something to her sister if she waits on my table? I thought about saying something along the
lines of “I met your sister the other day at the karaoke competition and she sang really well.” I
also thought about saying something like “Jillian is really cool,” or something like that.

So what do you think, Doc? How do I get a girl's number? What should I do when I finally
see Jillian again?

Lawrence - who still has hope

Doc Love's Response

Hi Lawrence,

Asking for a girl’s phone number is the very first check you make of her Interest Level —
that’s how important it is. This is not being aggressive or pushy, my friend. This is simply a
matter of trying to ascertain how interested she is in you. To you psych majors, a woman can
be nice and throw herself all over you when you meet her, but if she doesn’t give you her
phone number it means that her attention was nothing but a big act.

Confidence Lands You Numbers

So, Lawrence, you blew a great opportunity here. Remember that most guys don’t have the
cojones to ask for the phone number when they first meet a babe. What you would have
showed Jillian if you had asked for her phone number was that you have a lot of Confidence
and a lot of guts. Confidence is one-third of what turns a woman on.

Of course Jillian wants you to come and visit her at her restaurant. Like my cousin Fast Eddie
Love from East L.A. says, “That way you can leave her a few more monster tips.” You might
plan on winning Jillian over through Challenge, but you’re sure as heck never going to do it
through Confidence.

Now, let me get this straight: You invited Jillian to your party on the social network and you
messaged her too — and you think that you’re going to win her over through Challenge by
posting the fact that you like her and practically begging her to come? Like my cousin Rabbi
Love says, “What kind of logic is that, my son?” When you got no response from Jillian to
either of your invitations, it meant right there that you were out. But you lost your chance
much earlier by not asking her for her digits.

You have to remember that it’s not necessarily true that Jillian would have responded to one
of your messages if she were interested. You might have turned her off much earlier
because you showed no Confidence whatsoever.
Don’t Rely On Others
Don’t get some third-party like Jillian’s sister involved in your mess. Like my Uncle Jethro
Love says, “Do your own dirty work, boy.” In a situation like this, you don’t know what’s
going on between Jillian and her sister. Maybe her sister is jealous of Jillian. Maybe her sister
is average-looking, a “5” to Jillian’s “10.” Maybe she would distort whatever you say for one
reason or another. Guys, when it comes to dealing with women, you have to go to the source.
Whenever you get a third-party involved, something will end up being left out or garbled or
deliberately distorted, take my word for it. It’s called human nature — or jealousy.

So, no, don’t say a word to Jillian’s sister. Anything you think of to say to her is nothing but
a waste of time. And here’s something else: You say you want to be a Challenge to Jillian, so
why would you make all of these complimentary statements for her sister to pass on to her? If
Jillian is a “10,” she’s been handed compliments all her life, from the day she was born. Like
my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “She’s used to hearin’ good stuff, dawg. It
won’t mean a thing to her.”

What should you do when you see Jillian again? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says,
“Ask her if you can be the best man at her wedding.”

Remember, guys: When it comes to gauging Interest Level, do your own dirty work.

Can She Change?

Hey Doc,

I might be dealing with a sociopath. Well, all of my friends seem to think so.

When I met Lana six years ago and when we started dating, I was 24. She was 37 and had
two kids, and though I didn’t know it, was married (I found out later she had been married
three other times). She was constantly contacting her last husband behind my back until her
divorce. We got a house together and she started seeing another guy without telling me. I
moved out, he moved in, then he left her, and she came back to me. I think he had her on
drugs and finally got out when he saw her true colors. Last summer she started seeing yet
another guy, but they broke up. I’ve only seen her sporadically over the past few months, but
now she’s texting me and saying she wants me back and that she has changed.

We never married, but I’m still hooked on her. Doc, please help me understand her sociopath
behavior and tell me if you think Lana could possibly change. What drives me crazy is that
she can seem normal to the world but behind closed doors she is a completely different
person. I can see the reality of my plight with her, but she is always able to say the exact
right thing to lure me back in.

Doc, am I just someone she is using until she finds what she is looking for? What baffles me
is that when we met I didn’t have money, but she stayed with me for six years. My friend
said it was because I put up with her erratic behavior and was an enabler. In your opinion, is
Lana a lost cause? Her childhood was difficult and she moved from home to home and so
forth, so that is one explanation for her actions. I know she has done wrong, but people can
change, can’t they?
Barnes - who has been destroyed

Doc Love's Response

Hi Barnes,

Let me ask you a question right up front. All of your friends — not a love doctor, like myself
— are telling you that you’re with a nutcase. If it was just one or two buddies, you might take
their opinions with a grain of salt. But can all of your friends possibly be wrong about this
woman? What are you doing here, Barnes? Why aren’t you listening to them?

But you went ahead and fell in love with a woman who is 13 years older than you. You mean
to tell me you couldn’t find anyone else on the planet to go out with? Gosh, pal, you must live
in a really small town!

Then you discover that Lana’s been married four times and you still insist on chasing her
around. Don’t you think that a woman’s track record is an indicator — a big red flag —
when it comes to how she’s going to treat you? Isn’t the way she got along in her past
relationships a sign that you’re in for the same lousy treatment?

If nothing else, the fact that Lana was always contacting her last husband behind your back
shows that she has loads of Integrity and character. But then she started seeing another guy.
Oh, now I get it! Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “This chick don’t
know what the word 'no' means when a guy comes on to her.”

Lana didn’t really come back to you when this other guy dumped her. You took her back
after she worked your ego. And by the way, you don’t know why this other guy left Lana.
Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Maybe he just hung around for the
party.”

Then Lana started with yet another dude and they broke up. Man, this girl doesn’t last too
long with guys, does she? Barnes, why would you possibly think she’s going to last with
you? And one more thing that you should remember: Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love
says, “This alley cat doesn’t have an ounce of loyalty in her blood.”

But despite all of the suffering that Lana has inflicted on you, you want to believe her when
she insists that she loves you and has changed. Now, let me ask you this, Barnes: If you
were a betting man, what odds would you give that she’s really changed?

Guy, the reason you never married this woman is because she had three husbands. You
were fourth in line — not counting the other guys she had dangling on the side.

The only thing that makes sense in your letter is when you say you’re still hooked on Lana.
Your Interest Level is in the 90s, and you rationalize everything she does to you because
you’re whipped.

Can she change? Not this girl, and not in this lifetime. She’s sweet to the world and nuts with
you, and she’ll always be a Jekyll and Hyde. The only reason she can keep luring you back is
because your Interest Level is in the stratosphere, like I said earlier. If your Interest Level
were 45%, whatever she pulled on you wouldn’t work. Look at it this way: What she pulls
doesn’t work when it comes to your friends, who have been giving you solid advice, which
friends usually don’t.

Lana isn’t using you until she finds what she’s looking for, because she doesn’t know what
she’s looking for. What she’s after is the next guy, that’s all. Like my cousin Rabbi Love
says, “This woman has no sense of discrimination whatsoever.”

Lana stayed with you for six years, then it was over. Now you’re going back and forth with
her, but you can’t go back, which you would know if you’d read my book. Your friend is
right on — you put up with Lana’s erratic behavior, and you were an enabler.

Is Lana a lost cause? Barnes, she was a lost cause when you met her. Now, let me explain
something to you. Neither one of us is a psychiatrist. That’s why in “The System” we have
the Bottom Line Factor, which states that you must go only by the woman's actions and never
try to figure out why. To you Psych majors, it’s your ego that wants to know why, because
that way you can rationalize her bad treatment of you. That’s the way the male ego works.

Sure, people can change, Barnes. But not this horse.

Remember, guys: What you see is what you get.

Being Needy
Hey Doc,

I’ve been with Shari for two and a half years. I’m 28, she’s 25 and we live apart (me with my
ill mother and her with her family). But after hearing your radio show, I’ve been forced to
take an honest look at myself and decided that I am in need of coaching. Like with any
relationship, there have been some bumps in the road, and I must shoulder part of the blame
because I have taken the “wimpy” approach.

Constantly trying to be the nice guy, I have lost the upper hand and feel like the woman in the
relationship. My insecurity has caused me to make myself come across as needy. I am always
the first to talk about the future, to which Shari usually gets uncomfortable in discussing
“heavy” topics. We work together and she is genuinely my best friend and can definitely be a
Giver, however it is maddening to know that my interest in her is probably at least 90%, but
the sad reality is I feel like hers is probably only about 70% to 75%.

Although that doesn’t seem like too large of a gap, sometimes I feel it is worlds apart.
Sometimes Shari will say how she wants to raise our kids or what she wants in our house, but
when I try to expand on the issues, she gets uncomfortable and shuts it down.

Shari is one of those girls who has a bunch of guy friends because she doesn’t get along with
girls. I am trying not to be a jerk, but I don’t like it. I admit that my insecurity about her is
through the roof and that is on me, but I am looking for coaching so I do not ruin this
relationship.

We have rarely fought, and she is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. By the
way, she has been in this country for 10 years and is a refugee of war and comes from a very
emotionally distant family that rarely shows affection. In her past, she was engaged and lived
with a man who physically and verbally abused her. As for me, I’ve only had one serious
relationship before this and am obviously not an expert.

I am happiest when I am with Shari, but when we are apart I am miserable. I know I’ve
become a wimp, and it wasn’t until my ex left me that I took this weak and pathetic approach
in my life. I know you will say I need to buy “The System,” and I give you my word I will,
but in the meantime, Doc, I have no one I can talk to or ask for advice on this matter. I feel
like a loser and am embarrassed by the lack of balls I have displayed. Shari has told me on
numerous occasions that she was attracted to my confident, sarcastic attitude and tattoos (i.e.
the bad boy persona), but now that I have her, I act like a wuss.

Fang - who can’t stand himself

Doc Love's Response

Hi Fang,

If you’re aware that the wimpy approach is not working, why do you continue using it? Have
you thought about taking another approach besides the wimpy? As far as feeling like the
woman when you’re with Shari, you’re not alone. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says,
“That’s the way it is in most relationships.”

If you keep talking about heavy topics with Shari and she shuts you down, why do you repeat
your mistakes? This is a syndrome that I point out in my book — which you don’t have. If
you keep doing something that makes your girl uncomfortable, why would you go on doing
it? Wouldn’t common sense tell you that your approach isn’t working and that you should get
a hold of my book and find out what the alternatives are? Don’t you ask yourself these
questions, guy? Or do you want to stay marooned in a cycle of self-defeat?

The only thing that will raise Shari’s Interest Level past yours to 95% is “The System.” If
you feel that your Interest Level and Shari’s are worlds apart, then hers must be even lower
than 70%. It might even be as low as 55%. If it’s headed toward 49%, it means you’re in real
trouble. What are you waiting for, pal?

When you bug Shari about your future together, you’re just talking to the wall. Obviously
this woman needs to be in control. When she wants to come on heavy, she does it. When you
try to come on heavy, she beats you right down. This pattern happens over and over. When
you see this, don’t you understand that you have to try something else? The answer is that
you don’t, because you have a male ego. And like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “A man’s ego
is the devil.”

It’s illogical to conclude that Shari has lots of guy friends because she doesn’t like girls. Like
my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Maybe she just digs lots of guys.” The only
thing you can do about this is keep your mouth shut. Learn to live with the fact that she can’t
do without an army of males hanging around — or get rid of her.

Now, you might want to spend the rest of your life with Shari, but does she want to spend the
rest of her life with you? We know you like her, Fang, but how wild is she about you? You
insist on rationalizing and serving up all the excuses why Shari has weak interest in you. OK,
she’s been beat up in war and she’s been beat up by her family. So is this the kind of woman
who is long-term relationship material? To you psych majors, she’s going to haul all of those
scars and baggage along with her into your marriage. Then Shari lived with a guy who should
be in jail for striking her. Is that the kind of man she picks to be involved with? What does it
say about her?

You say that your ex destroyed you. Sadly, I’ve known men who have been dumped on and
hurt by women, and afterward, they have set themselves up to be an abused wimp in their
next relationship. They never get their mojo back. They lose their way. You say you have no
one to talk to about your problems, but you can have something incomparably better. You
can have “The System” overnight or in two or three days. It takes less than one minute to
order.
Buying my book is not the same as building a new World Trade Center, dude. All you have to
do is hit a few buttons on your computer. Again, what are you waiting for?

The good part of all this is that you know you’re a wuss. You know you have a problem and
you came to me. But not having my book is a huge shortcoming. Desperate guys order “The
System.” You’re not desperate, Fang. You just want me to give you a Band-Aid and make
you feel good when what you really need is a triple bypass.

Remember, guys: If you keep repeating your mistakes, you’re going to get the same results
with woman after woman.

Relationship Insecurity
Hey Doc,

I'm thoroughly amazed by your columns and the amount of insight you are able to put into
them. I'm writing regarding a major issue that I'm having with Delilah. She's a beautiful, fun,
honest, caring girl, and we've been dating for two years now. We did have a minor breakup
three months into this relationship. The cause was nothing too big, just that things were
becoming rather dull and I made my mistakes, too.

Here's the problem. After that breakup, I offered to take Delilah out to lunch for a closure
date. It ended with her kissing me on the cheek. The day after that, there was a party to which
we were both invited. At this party, she made out with another guy. It might have been on a
dare, but she wouldn't have done it if she actually cared about me.

Two days later, she was leaving for Bali for the summer, and I went to see her off at the
airport, something she asked for. We made out at the airport, which reignited our spark, and
as soon as I got home, I received a text saying, "Why did you do that? Now I can't get you
off my mind." Obviously, she was leading me on to believe there was some hope left in this
relationship.

Before I go on, I'd like to mention that I was very "whipped" by Delilah in the sense that I
really, really loved her and would do anything to get her back — anything.

When Delilah was in Bali, she said things like, "I still feel like I belong to you. I could meet
other guys if I wanted, but I don't because I feel like I'm still yours." Just one day after she
said it, she went to third base with some guy from her old school. This was all within a week
of breaking up with me, and it completely wrecked me. I still haven't forgotten the feeling I
had that night, and it happened a year ago.

Delilah told me how bad she felt about what happened and how it was boring and how the
guy begged her for three hours until she gave in. Then she told me she loved me, and like the
whipped dog I am, I said, "I love you, too."

Things got better after that, as we got back together a month later and are now happy as can
be. Or so it seems. Doc, I am extremely insecure now. I feel that whenever Delilah goes out or
is at a party where I'm not, she will cheat on me. I can't stand the thought of her being alone
with another guy, even though I know she won't do anything.

Delilah is now leaving the country for two years, and even though we will try and arrange
visits, it deeply saddens me and I'm going to miss her more than I can imagine. Sorry for the
sissy talk. What do you propose I do? I will be worried and sleep-deprived every time she
tells me she's going out.

I always feel I am not good enough for Delilah, and I want this to end. I really need your
coaching, Doc.

Chung - who needs to change himself

Doc Love's Response

Hi Chung,

You say you had a "minor" breakup with Delilah just after you started dating and that the
cause was nothing much. I've got news for you: You don't break up over something minor;
you break up for something major. To you psych majors, when you split with a babe, the
cause is something big. When you don't break up, it's not a big deal. So you're rationalizing
here, pal.

Why did you go to a party that Delilah was invited to? You just split up with her, didn't you?
But it doesn't matter why she kissed another guy. You two are history, remember? If she
dumped you, there's nothing wrong with her kissing someone else. Like my cousin Sal "The
Fish" Love says, "It just verifies the fact that you're finished."

You shouldn't have taken Delilah to the airport. It was already over between you two. You
broke up, she kissed another guy, so you should have had nothing more to do with her after
your little closure date. It wasn't "our" spark you reignited, dude. It was your spark. So who
are you kidding here? She might have led you to believe there was hope left, but you didn't
have to be an idiot and believe her, did you?

When a guy says he'll do absolutely anything for a girl, he's in big trouble. It means you'll
give her your self-esteem and your self-respect. The problem is that the girl won't like you
after you do that. But in this case, she told you that she was still yours. The sad part is not
what she told you but that you actually bought it.

Then Delilah went and had a good time with yet another guy. Why is she telling you about
her romantic exploits with other men? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says,
"Hey, this is some classy broad you're in love with!" And you let it completely destroy you.
But, hey, Chung, whatever you do, don't go and buy "The System" to get out of this mess.
Whatever you do, don't do that because it might help you break out of this awful pattern. No,
you go right on suffering the tortures of the damned!

Why did Delilah spend three hours fighting this other guy off when she could have just
walked away from him after five minutes? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, "Was she
mesmerized by this fellow's rhetoric?" The point is that she really wanted to be there, guy.
Yet you told her that you loved her, like a whipped dog. Chung, you might not realize it, but
women don't dig whipped dogs.

You should be insecure about being in a relationship with Delilah, buddy, because you're in
love with a girl who has no integrity. Of course she's going to cheat on you when you're not
around. What's the big deal? That's her track record. That's what she does. That's her M.O.
Why are you trying to fool yourself? If you truly believe that she won't do anything when
you're not around, you're really smoking some heavy dope, Chung. Your Interest Level is in
the stars. You will rationalize everything this girl does. Until you pull your Interest Level out
of the clouds and memorize my book, you will be living in hell and pain for the rest of your
life.

And now Delilah is leaving the country for two years. Think about it: Two whole years
without you around to inhibit her. Hey, don't worry — I'm sure she'll be loyal! You might
miss her more than you imagine, but she's not going to miss you. And if you're sorry for the
sissy talk, don't give it to me. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, "It's about time you grow up
and be a man, boy!"

What should you do? Forget Delilah and memorize "The System." But you won't do it.
Delilah will keep playing with your head and you'll go along with it for the rest of your life
because you are run by your ego and your high Interest Level.

Chung, you might feel you're not good enough for Delilah, but you have it backwards:
She's not good enough for you. On the other hand, maybe you're made for each other
because you are using one another. What you two have is a sick arrangement.

Remember, guys: When your Interest Level is too high, you won't be able to see her
negatives.

When Should I Text Her?

Hey Doc,

I met Farrah, my best friend’s cousin, at a birthday party. I got her number and sent her a text
three days later. We kept texting each other, cracking jokes and flirting. A few weeks later,
we decided to have dinner and then go to a club with her friends. When we got to the club, we
danced most of the night. We held hands going to and from the dance floor. One of her
friends told me that Farrah had been talking about me, which made me feel good. When I
took her home I opened the door for her and gave her a hug goodbye. I had the chance to go
in for a kiss but decided to simply smile at her and wish her good night. Farrah asked me to
text her when I got home since it was 3:00 in the morning, and she wanted to make sure I
made it safely.
It Gets Complicated
Here’s where it gets tricky. The next morning, I texted Farrah, asking her to tell her friends
on my behalf that they were really cool. She replied that she would, and hoped that I had fun
the night before. I texted her the next afternoon, and she didn’t reply. I sent her a good
morning text a few days later, and she replied. Then I sent her more texts, and she replied to a
couple, but nothing more. Eventually she stopped replying to my texts altogether. In two
weeks, I will most likely see her at her cousin’s wedding. My problem is that I’m afraid that
Farrah is not that interested or she might be playing hard to get. I have never had this problem
with any of the other ladies I’ve met, and it’s killing me. I really like this girl, and I honestly
care what she thinks about me.

Doc, I’m also worried that Farrah might have heard that I had a fling with one of her cousins
a few months back. What else could explain why she has not replied to my last text, when I
told her that I’ve been thinking a lot about her and was wondering how she’s been?

What should I do? I do not want to text Farrah anymore. I’d rather wait until I see her at the
wedding to talk with her. Please coach me because I really like this girl.

Leone - who has her on the brain

Doc Love's Response

Hi Leone,

Why are you sending this babe a text three days after you met her? There’s no reason for you
to be texting her. You’re not supposed to be checking in on her, especially right after you
meet her. What you’re supposed to do is ask her out after you wait a week. Every idiot calls
or texts a girl after only one or two or three days. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You’re
supposed to separate yourself from the flies.” But you don’t know how to do that because you
don’t have the “The System.”

Moreover, flirting and cracking jokes with Farrah is what you’re supposed to be doing face to
face, not through texting. You don’t really know what her reactions are to anything because
you can’t see her. And going to a club with Farrah and her friends is a group date — a big no-
no — so you’re making mistakes all over the place.

Why is Farrah waiting for a text from you at 4:00 in the morning? You should have told
her, “You get your sleep. That’s more important than waiting up until I text you.” Don’t get
into the habit of texting, period.

But what did you do? You turned right around and texted Farrah the very next morning.
Dude, no communication with this girl! Don’t you get it? To you Psych majors, too much
communication kills challenge. You have to get the girl into the habit of wondering where
you’re coming from, wondering when you’re going to call. You have to be an enticing
mystery to her. You are taking that out of the equation with Farrah entirely.

But then you went and texted Farrah again. Leone, she’s not texting you, and you’re texting
her all the time. Why are you chasing this girl? You should have just asked her out, not texted
her every five minutes. This is an enormous mistake. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from
East L.A. says, “Dude, you got a bad case of text-itis.” You have to stay away from the
telephone and email and texting if you want to get somewhere with a girl. And you don’t do
all that stuff in the early stages of a relationship. You only do it when she’s already your
girlfriend.

When you see Farrah in two weeks at her cousin’s wedding, she’ll be in the arms of another
guy who doesn’t text. She’s not playing hard to get — she’s simply not interested in you.
Think about it: Why would she be interested in someone who’s all over her like a cheap coat?
I’ve got news for you, Leone: women don’t play hard to get. They go strictly by their Interest
Level. But if they have low interest in you, then they do play hard to get because, like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “They don’t want to be got.”

Guy, Farrah thinks nothing about you. The reason she didn’t reply to your last text where you
practically declared that you’re completely in love and obsessed with her is because her
Interest Level is not as high as your Interest Level, that’s why.

What should you do? For starters, never text another girl you date. And number two, find a
new girl. You say you don’t want to text Farrah anymore, but you never should have done it
in the first place!

You might really like this girl, but she doesn’t really like you. That’s what you don’t seem to
get.

Remember, guys: When they like you, they help you.

When To Move On
Hey Doc,

I’m a recent rebound for my high school sweetheart. Dina was married to her now ex-husband
for 12 years, and she recently divorced him. We started dating while she was separated. She
still loves him and isn’t ready for a committed relationship with me, at least according to her.
He still holds her heart even though she knows better than to go back.

Dina and I were seeing each other for about eight months when I dumped her because I was
getting the impression that she wasn’t being honest with me. Turns out she wasn’t. She
missed her husband, but I forgave her for kissing him. I truly didn’t want to end our
relationship and asked her to take me back. She did, because she either missed me or was
using me.

Dina has since dumped me because I grew too needy, jealous and lost my sense of self-worth
and value and smothered her, becoming that wimpus americanus you talk about. Since she
was considering going back to her husband, I grew even more desperate to make her see that
she shouldn’t. She’s having a hard time dealing with life with four kids as a single parent, and
the way the children are handling the divorce is making it tougher on her in sticking with her
decision to leave him. She feels that she’s hurting her children for not at least trying with
their father.
She says she doesn’t want to hurt me because she’s not ready for a replacement husband and
doesn’t want a stepfather for her children just yet. Plus, she doesn’t have the time for a
relationship since she has four kids and goes to school. She says that I deserve a better person
than her. Unfortunately, I feel differently. I’ve loved Dina since high school. I’ve had other
relationships and even a marriage and divorce, but I’ve always missed, loved and wanted this
woman. My friends and family tell me that I’m a good man, that I deserve better and that
she’s dirt.

My question is this: Should I move on or can "The System" help me pull this thing out of the
gutter?

Just today we talked and Dina told me she loved me. I’m a lover and not a fighter, so the
whole “alpha male” thing comes unnaturally to me. Dina has low self-esteem because her
husband is the “macho” type you talk about in your book. He was very controlling and
possessive in her marriage, so now it seems she can’t function without that. She feels the
need to explain to him everything so that he doesn’t blow up, and they aren’t even together.
And, of course, my jealousy and insecurity has only lowered her Interest Level.

I’ve no doubt that if I could get Dina to see me again and progress S.L.O.W.L.Y. that I could
bring Challenge and raise her Interest Level. I bought “The System” some years ago, and the
book had been collecting dust until recently. It has actually brought me some modicum of
relief from the pain of rejection. I just wish I had reread the damned thing at the start of
dating her instead of moving so fast. The way you present your advice shows respect of
women, and I know this woman has some issues, but I’ve no doubt that things can be
wonderful given time and patience.

Calbert - who can’t live without her

Doc Love's Response

Hi Calbert,

Why were you dating Dina when she was married? To you psych majors, you don’t date
women who are separated — because they’re still married. You date women who are
divorced and have their paperwork completed and in order. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says,
“What you’re doing here is muddyin’ the waters, boy.” And if she’s not ready for a
committed relationship with you, then why are you with her?

Dina wasn’t being deceptive with you, pal. On the contrary, she was being very honest with
you. She missed her husband. What’s wrong with that? You forgave her for kissing him?
Calbert, he’s her husband! She can kiss her husband — because it’s her husband. In case you
haven’t noticed, you’re not her husband.

And Dina’s not lying to you if she told you that she digs her old man. She’s being up-front.
You’re trying to make her out to be some kind of liar, when you’re the one who refuses to
face reality. On the other side of it, you’re dating a married woman with four kids and a
husband and homework, not to mention all kinds of scars and baggage. What sense does that
make?

When Dina told you that she didn’t want a replacement husband, she was telling the truth, but
you paid no attention to her. Dina is not dirt. She just happens to be a married woman, that’s
all. She was trying to get the truth across to you from the beginning, and you refused to listen
to her.

Can “The System” help you now? Guy, if you’d memorized it, you wouldn’t be in this mess
right now. That said, you should move on.

Being an alpha male doesn’t have anything to do with anything. In my materials I don’t teach
you to be an alpha male or Macho Boy. I teach you to go after women who are available. Big
difference, and one has nothing to do with the other. If you know that jealousy and insecurity
are not the way to increase a woman’s Interest Level, why do you continue to exhibit them?
Because you haven’t internalized my material, that’s why.

Progressing slowly and raising Dina’s interest now is impossible. You’re dreaming, Calbert,
if you think anything of the sort will work. Hey, I’m shocked that my book has been
collecting dust on your bookshelf! Of course I’m glad that it’s helped you deal with the pain
of rejection, but imagine what it could have done for you if you’d committed it to memory
when you first bought it. You would never have gotten involved with this woman and saved
yourself an enormous amount of pain and anguish.

Moving fast wasn’t your problem, buddy. This woman was not available. That was the core
problem. Time and patience aren’t going to do anything at this point because it’s too late. It’s
nice that you’re sympathetic about Dina’s problems, but she doesn’t just have normal issues.
Like my cousin General Love says, “She’s flying more red flags than the People’s Republic
of China.”

Dating A Coworker

Hey Doc,

I’ve been a self-sustaining individual most of my life. I left home early, made my way
through college, joined the Army, started a consulting career, and then finally settled in
Edmonton, Canada, at the age of 29. I haven’t built much experience with women other than
one-night stands, so I’ve nursed delusions of grandeur and tried to find “the one girl” who
I’ll live my life with.

I met Megan at work. She’s a stunning girl who has many of the same interests as me. And so
began three months of me turning into an available, sensitive, nice, weak, giving, pays-for-
everything dummy. After all of that, she began to act weird and distant, even though I gave
her everything she wanted (I know, Doc — I can picture you shaking your head right now).
So she dumped me, of course, and I spent a week whining and crying. After that I realized
that she ended the relationship because I lacked the skills to keep her from the start.

I began my search for knowledge and stumbled on your book, “The System,” and everything
started to make sense. I even met some very willing women the same week by using
techniques straight from your book. I knew I’d found gold and quickly ordered your other
materials in order to acquire more of your wisdom.

Doc, I need some immediate coaching. When Meg broke up with me, she used the words
“friends,” “respect” and “nice guy” a lot. She also asked if she could still call me to talk and
get advice. I made it clear I couldn’t be her friend and told her I was removing all traces of
her from my cell phone and social sites. Now it’s been a while, and she’s tried to strike up
small talk at the office and mentioned that in a couple months I’ll get over it and we can be
friends again (this was something she read in a dating article).

Doc, Megan is a stand-up gal and I still think she’s pretty cool, but I failed to keep her Interest
Level up and lost her. What do you think is going on with this girl? How can I keep her from
becoming my buddy without causing problems at the office or being a jerk?

Gavyn - who wants to learn at the feet of the master

Doc Love's Response

Hi Gavyn,

You shouldn’t feel bad about your weak history with women. Most guys are like you. You
worked your tail off and got your act together in life for the most part, all of which is
commendable. But at the same time you should have had my book when you were 18 or 19 so
you could have been studying women for the past 10 years.

Instead, you’re pushing 30 and just getting started on your real education. You're self-
deprecating when you describe how you acted with Megan, but you’re being too hard on
yourself. There’s nothing wrong with being a Giver and there’s nothing wrong with paying
for everything. But if you’re too available and weak, that’s another issue altogether. Being
too available and weak is terrible. Those characteristics are the ones that are going to cause
you to come up short with women.

Megan acted weird and distant with you because you turned her off, guy. You might have
given her everything she wanted, but you didn’t give her what she needed, which was
challenge.

When you say you “lacked the skills to keep her from the start,” it’s the best and most
interesting thing you brought out in your letter. Because that’s what my materials do for you
— they help you keep a woman. Ninety percent of the guys out there can get a woman to fall
in love with them, but how many can actually keep them in love? And that’s where the
problem lies. You’re right about my techniques — they are gold, but most men’s egos won’t
allow them to see it when it’s right in front of their eyes. Or they’re just too lazy to change.

It’s fine that Megan used the word “respect” to refer to you. But when she uses words like
“friend” and “nice guy,” it’s the kiss of death. They are horrible words, and you know why,
because you’ve read my book.

If Megan calls you for advice, maybe she can set you up with one of her good-looking
girlfriends. Did you think of that? Of course you should have deleted all traces of her from
your cell phone, but you didn’t have to tell her about it. Why are you pouting, Gavyn? Do you
think Megan’s going to like you more if you toss a hissy fit and insist that you can’t be her
friend? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “What are you, a baby?”
Whoever wrote the article claiming that you and Megan could be friends again after she
showed you the door is dead wrong. Like the great Doctor Freud once wrote, “Rejection is
forever.” To you psych majors, people are emotional and they don’t forget.

What do I think is going on with this girl? Nothing, as far as you’re concerned. She just
wants to waste your time, that’s all. How can you handle Megan’s presence around the office
without being a jerk? First of all, you’re not a jerk, Gavyn. Nowhere in your letter did you act
like a jerk. You’re not built that way. Secondly, you don’t want to be Megan’s buddy. When
you encounter her at work, just smile, say hi and keep walking. Then, like my buddy Fast
Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Go and flirt with all the other girls in the place and make
them laugh.”

Remember, guys: When it’s over, it’s over.

She Is Busy

Hey Doc,

I’ve been working with Amy for several months. At first we talked very little but joked
around from time to time. We work for a bank, and she’s an assistant manager and I’m a loan
officer, and we’re not really supposed to interact much. She started coming over to my desk
and spending a half hour to an hour talking about music, careers, etc. I mentioned to her that I
usually don’t hang out with people I work with, but she invited me to see a band with her and
her friends. However, something came up, and I couldn’t make it.

Since then, she still comes over to my desk, but I asked her out a couple of weekends ago,
and she said she would let me know. She didn’t, but apologized later and said she was sick. I
tried again and she said she couldn’t because she had to pack for a vacation. Then I saw her at
work, and she acted very flirtatiously with me. I’m confused because I feel that my
invitations were rejected. How much time does it take to pack, right? Well, Amy came back
from vacation this week, and she called me and asked how I was doing. Again, I’m confused.

Doc, I’m definitely not smothering this girl by constantly texting or calling her — even
though I’m tempted. I’m not sure if she’s just being friendly or not. I found out that Amy has
an ex-boyfriend who she apparently still talks to, but I always hear her say she’s single.

Thank you for your coaching and point of view.

Selwyn - who can’t figure her out

Doc Love's Response

Hi Selwyn,

You first mistake was spending all kinds of time yakking at your workstation with Amy. You
should have said “I’d really like to talk to you longer, but I’m busy.” And you should have
said that even if you weren’t busy. You’re spending way too much time with this babe at
work. You should be talking about all these subjects with Amy when you’re on a date with
her. Give her five minutes and then go back to your work. One more thing: Everyone at your
job is watching how much time you’re spending with Amy when you should be working.
Like
my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You think it’s worth it to lose your job over some
chick?”

But you told Amy that you don’t hang out with people you work with when she asked you
out. Now, why in the world would you bring up a negative? Even if it’s true that you don’t
like to spend time with people you work with — which is actually a lie because you did
spend lots of time on the job chitchatting with Amy — you never bring up a negative with a
girl you want to date. You just keep your mouth shut and let her ask you out. So why are you
telling her what you usually do or don’t do? You’re supposed to be a Challenge, not sit there
and give out information. To you Psych majors, information goes to the woman on a need-to-
know basis.

As soon as Amy told you she’d “let you know” about going out and then apologized for being
sick, you were out. Use your common sense, guy: How can Amy be sick for two weeks in a
row? Why can’t she just pick the phone up and say, “I’m sick right now, but let’s make our
date next Thursday because I know I’ll be feeling OK by then?” That would take all of 20
seconds, wouldn’t it? But she didn’t do anything of the sort. What does that tell you, man?

Next, Amy couldn’t go on a date because she had to pack for a vacation. Like my cousin Fast
Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “What did she have to do, fill up two Bekins vans?” Is that
why she was so busy? Again, what does this flimsy excuse tell you, Selwyn?

But after Amy blew you off a few times, she turned around and acted flirtatiously with you.
Great! Just what you need — inconsistent behavior. But it’s true that your invitations were
rejected. So you shouldn’t be confused because the bottom line is that Amy rejected you three
or four times. Packing for a vacation isn’t an issue in itself. Like my cousin Brother Love
down in Watts says, “The problem is that this honey has higher interest in packing than she
does in being with you.”

Amy might have come back and flirted with you, but all it means is that she likes to flirt but
doesn’t like to date — you. So now she’s being consistent. That’s all she does with you —
flirt but not date.

You shouldn’t be smothering any girl, my friend. You’ve asked Amy out several times, and
she’s turned you down and never counter-offered, so you know where you stand beyond the
shadow of a doubt. The only good part is that she asked you out initially, though you couldn’t
make it. But when you look closely at that situation, it wasn’t really such a hot offer after all
because it was a group date, which is a no-no. Maybe it was better that you didn’t go out with
Amy after all, especially now that we’ve seen how she treats you. She doesn’t care about you
at all, dude.

Amy’s ex-boyfriend is a non-issue. Of course she has an ex-boyfriend, pal. What girl doesn’t?
So, in this case, he doesn’t have anything to do with anything. The point is that Amy’s actions
— not going out with you when you repeatedly asked her — are speaking volumes.

Remember, guys: If she keeps coming up with excuses, you have her mixed up with
somebody who cares.
Overweight Girlfriend

Hey Doc,

I’m finding myself less attracted to Kelly, my girlfriend of a little more than a year and a
half, and am not sure what to do. She has gained weight over the past six months or so, and is
probably about 20 pounds heavier than she was when we met. Now she’s around 165-170 on
a 5’6” frame, and our romantic life has suffered as a result.

Kelly is a bartender at a restaurant, so she’s on her feet and very active at work. But she
works 3 p.m. to 10 p.m. during the week, and rarely has time to eat at work. So we eat rather
large meals when she gets home, around midnight. By the way, I’ve put on a few pounds
myself due to this lifestyle and could stand to lose about 10. And we often get fast food, as
most decent eateries are closed late at night, plus Kelly wants to unwind after work and not
cook.
She’s also big into wine, and we usually split a bottle four or five nights a week.

I am equally concerned, if not more concerned, about Kelly’s lack of effort. I try to run a few
times a week, but she hasn’t made an effort to work out lately. She’s 37 (I’m 29), so she
claims her metabolism isn’t as good anymore. Or we sleep half the day away before she goes
to work. Unfortunately, I’m laid off at the moment, and she wants to lie in bed until noon
every day because she says we won’t have this opportunity when I go back to work. I tell
Kelly we need to get up earlier and get active, but it never happens. I was even an employee
at a fitness center a year ago and got her a free gym membership, but she never went. She
hates the gym because “it’s just a meat market,” and she feels too fat to go in there.

Doc, I’m not sure what to do. Kelly and I have decent looks, are attracted to each other
facially, are great together intellectually, her family is good and they like me, my mom loves
her, etc., but lately I just find myself focused on younger and slimmer girls. Having two major
colleges nearby doesn’t help.

How do I take the correct approach to getting Kelly to lose some weight without major
emotional consequences, or perhaps worse as far as our relationship is concerned?

Thanks.

Gyp - who doesn’t want a tank on his arm

Doc Love's Response

Hi Gyp,

Well, for starters, your girlfriend should be 6’6” instead of 5’6.” Like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says, “She’s not fat; she’s just too short.” You two shouldn’t be going to bed on a
full stomach. Serve Kelly a huge salad before she hits the sack. It will fill her up, but it’s 90%
water. And if you’ve been packing on the avoirdupois, too, you have to learn to take care of
yourself. You can’t criticize Kelly when you’re a blimp yourself. Instead of hitting fast food
joints, you should be buying all of the food and doing the cooking — healthy cooking — at
home. The number one rule is that you have to stay out of restaurants.
And why are you two drinking so much alcohol — which is full of calories — every night?
Limit Kelly and yourself to one glass of wine per night if you have to have a drink. Better yet,
skip the booze altogether!

If Kelly is putting forth no effort to shed weight, take her with you on your daily run. As an
incentive, build her up. Convince her she looks really great in her workout outfit. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Tell her that when she perspires, she’s drop-
dead sexy.” And as far as her metabolism is concerned, Kelly is speaking a half truth. This
babe is too young to have it become totally sluggish. So while she’s older than you, it’s a bad
excuse.

Gyp, you shouldn’t go along with lying in bed half the day. The reason being active never
happens for you is because you’re not making it happen. If Kelly doesn’t want to move, go
ahead and exercise without her. The bottom line is this: If she doesn’t want to go to the gym,
it simply means she doesn’t want to lose weight. That’s your problem. She’s making any
excuse possible to get out of being healthy, and you should be with a healthy partner. Like
my Uncle Jethro Love says, “She ain’t in shape if she’s 5’6” and tips the scales at 170 —
unless she’s a halfback for the Houston Texans.”

The reason you’re looking at younger girls is because Kelly is a good deal older than you. It
would be better if she was a few years younger, of course, but the age difference would be
OK if everything else were perfect. But everything else isn’t perfect. Kelly needs to lose 30
to 40 pounds. She’s got some work to do. Having colleges around doesn’t help, for sure, but
what are you going to do — run off and find yourself a 19-year-old?

What should you do now? Compliment Kelly’s good traits. Don’t mention her flab. Talk
about how fantastic she looks in her jogging attire. But when she refuses to go to the gym
because she’s overweight, remind her that getting rid of those extra pounds is the reason
you’re going to the gym. And what does the gym being a meat market have to do with
anything? She’s in love with you, so why should she give a hoot if some guy looks at her?
What Kelly’s reluctance tells me is that she’s just rationalizing — she’s fighting you tooth
and nail on the issue of losing weight. Gyp, your girl is not interested at all in slimming down.
And, if that’s the case, how can you sustain your relationship?

Remember, guys: If she doesn't want to help herself, there may be nothing you can do.

Lack Of Interest

Hey Doc,

I really enjoy reading your articles, and "The System" has saved me with women so many
times.

I’ve been seeing Rain for about two months now (about 12 dates). We met online, and I have
seen her probably once, sometimes twice a week. She’s a great girl, very Flexible, very
Giving, and when we are together, it would be hard for it to get any better. At first I saw all
the signs of rising interest. She was doing all of the touching, inviting me to meet her friends,
texting me constantly, asking me to hang on the weekends, etc. I knew I was doing
something
right. Of course I stuck with "The System," and although I’ve had a few slip-ups, I have
consistently remained a Challenge.

Three weeks ago Rain told me she had bipolar disorder. She says she really likes me but is
changing medications and could start acting differently, or “flaky,” as she put it. I let her
know I understood and she just needed to be open and honest with me about everything. I
told her when she needed space to be upfront with me. After that conversation, things
remained the same for about a week. I could tell her Interest Level was in the 80% to 90%
percent range after the first 10 dates.

But the last two weeks or so, something felt different. The problem is that I’m not sure if it’s
her bipolar disorder or if she’s losing interest. She is very hot and cold with hanging out and
talking to me. Often she doesn’t respond to me for a few days, but then we will hang out and
she is all over me like before. It’s very confusing. She even broke a date, but then a few
days later wanted to get together.

I’m having a tough time dealing with this. I have not stopped being a Challenge, and all I can
do is be understanding. I really like this girl, and we have a great time together, but this up
and down roller coaster of emotions is making me reevaluate the situation. I know that
bipolar disorder is for life, so I’m not sure if I should wait it out until Rain figures out her
new medication, or just move on with my life. I am curious to know what you would do in
this situation.

Chappy - who doesn’t want to get blindsided

Doc Love's Response

Hi Chappy,

When Rain tells you that she might start acting flaky because she’s on new medicine, she’s
either telling you the truth about her condition or she’s telling you that her Interest Level is
heading south. It’s one or the other. But the more important thing here is that it doesn’t make
any difference whether bipolar disorder or a lack of interest is causing the change in Rain’s
behavior toward you. The only thing that matters is how Rain treats you. If she treats you
badly because of her mental disorder or because she’s losing interest, you have to get rid of
her either way. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “No matter how you rationalize it,
reality is reality.”

The fact that this woman is alternatively indifferent toward you or all over you like a cheap
coat also doesn’t matter. She warned you ahead of time that she was switching medications
and that there might be negative consequences. But again, the problem is that we don’t know
whether the resultant erratic behavior is her meds talking or if she’s not interested in you
anymore.

But let me ask you this question, my friend: Do you really want to put up with this bad
behavior? It’s true that if Rain gets and stays on the right meds, she might be all right and act
normally. But is that what’s really going on here? Or is she selling you something for some
reason? We don’t know. And that’s why in "The System" we have the bottom-line factor. To
you psych majors, in abiding by that all-important principle, all doubt is eliminated about
what to think and do when it comes to a woman because you only look at her actions. And
that’s all a man should ever use as a barometer of a woman’s Interest Level.

But not only did Rain run hot and cold with you and not answer your messages and calls, but
she went and broke a date with you. What does that tell you about her, Chappy? What excuse
did she use for not showing up? Where was her counteroffer? Like I say in my book, if she
breaks a date, she’s out. And like my cousin General Love says, “You have to have a zero-
tolerance policy for broken dates.”

If Rain’s bipolar condition is forever as you say, you have to come to grips with the question
of whether you want to be with someone who has such an affliction for the rest of your life.
People have done it, so it’s possible to exist with it, but what are the rewards? Like my cousin
Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If this babe treats you like a yo-yo now, can you imagine how
she’ll treat you in another 20 or 30 years?”

One more thing, Chappy. On account of Rain’s condition, for the rest of your life, you won’t
ever know whether it’s her illness talking or low Interest Level when she treats you badly.
Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Do you deserve to live with such a terrible uncertainty?”
And there’s also this to consider: It does not necessarily follow that someone with an
emotional disorder is going to mistreat her boyfriend or husband.

What would I do in this situation? I would pass on Rain.

Remember, guys: If you date someone with a long-term problem, it will become your
problem.

She Has A Long-Term Boyfriend

Hey Doc,

I usually don’t solicit advice on these matters, as I have generally been pretty successful in
my endeavors with women. However, I just graduated from college and joined the working
world, and dealing with women in the real world is much different than hitting on a drunken
college coed and taking her back to your place for a one-nighter.

Here’s my situation. I met the most amazing girl, Lila, in one of my classes during my last
semester in school. We hit it off almost immediately. We would study together and flirt
constantly (touching, teasing and so on). We would text flirtatiously almost every day and
during class. After a month or so, I overheard her say that she had a boyfriend of eight years!
She never revealed this to me directly, and I suspect she didn’t want me to know.

After I found out about this boyfriend, Lila began to express to me that she wanted to be
single and was becoming increasingly annoyed with him. I would try my best to avoid these
conversations, saying I didn’t want to talk about her boyfriend. Once school ended and we
both graduated, we stopped texting each other and lost contact for a few months.

Soon I will be moving to the same city where Lila lives. I waited to see if she would reinitiate
communication over the past couple of months, but she hasn’t. I sent her an instant message
the other day, and we started talking about our new jobs and joking around again. We then
realized that we would soon be neighbors in the same city! She told me I should contact her
when I move in so we can get drinks.

Doc, I really want to see this girl and hopefully get things going again, but at the same time I
don’t want to fall into the friend zone or pursue her too desperately or quickly. As far as I
know, she is still dating her boyfriend. Keep in mind she is 23 years old and started dating
this guy at age 14 or 15. This girl is amazing, and I am no home-wrecker, but I want to make
her mine.

How do I raise Lila’s level of attraction without being too needy or available? How do I
approach the boyfriend situation? Even though I haven’t known her long, this girl has caught
my attention and is completely worth the effort.

Tirell - who needs a strategy

Doc Love's Response

Hi Tirell,

You might be “pretty successful” in your endeavors with women, but that’s not good enough.
The objective is to be successful with women — period. And if you had “The System,” you
would know how to do that. But you don’t and that’s why you’re groping blindly for a
strategy.

You shouldn’t have been studying and flirting with Lila. It was a huge mistake. You should
have been dating the girl, not touching and teasing her. But since you don’t have my book,
you don’t know that. And all that flirtatious texting was likewise a mistake. What you were
doing here, Tirell, was slaughtering Challenge.

Then you found out that Lila has a boyfriend of eight years. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
from East L.A. says, “Wow, this girl is going to pick up the Integrity of the Year award for
sure!” Of course she didn’t want you to know that she has a boyfriend of nearly a decade.
Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Why should she open her mouth? She’s got a
dumb boyfriend, and now she’s got a dumb college guy throwing himself at her.”

I’m sure Lila is annoyed with her boyfriend, but not quite enough to get rid of him, right,
Tirell? What does that tell you? Nevertheless, you shouldn’t have avoided conversations
about this other guy. You should have told Lila to give him another chance. “Stay with this
guy. You’ve been with him for eight long years, and he sounds like a great fellow.” That sort
of thing. The point is to use reverse psychology on her. But, again, since you don’t have my
book, you don’t have a plan of attack.

When you say that you lost contact with Lila for a few months, it means that neither of you
dug each other very much in the first place. To you Psych majors, you don’t just suddenly
“lose contact” with a girl. Tirell, you don’t do what you and Lila were doing together, then all
of a sudden just disappear. If two people really like each other, they don’t lose contact for
months on end. So this thing is over.

The reason Lila didn’t reinitiate contact with you is because she’s not interested in you.
That’s what you don’t get here, dude. But, hey, when she told you that the two of you could
have
drinks when you move to her city, maybe she’ll be like the college coeds you had no problem
scoring with.

You say you want to get things going again with Lila. “Again” is the problem here. For two
months, this babe disappeared and didn’t care enough to be in touch with you at all. She
probably didn’t give you a second thought because she was involved with her boyfriend. So
what chance do you really think this thing has of taking off now?

Tirell, you already put yourself into the friend zone by pursuing Lila too desperately and
quickly. Heck, just by going after her when she has a boyfriend means you went directly into
the friend zone. And if she started dating her boyfriend at age 14, it means he has a lock on
her and you have no chance whatsoever. You might want to make Lila yours, but nowhere in
your letter do you mention how crazy in love with you she is. And you’d know from reading
my book that the most important factor in any relationship is the woman's interest level. So
that means it’s over.

How can you raise Lila’s level of attraction? Start by asking her if she’s gotten rid of her
boyfriend when you get together for drinks. Tell her that when she does, you’d be glad to see
her. Then give her your phone number, walk away and don’t have any contact with her
whatsoever. Until her boyfriend is gone, you’re just spinning your wheels.

My friend, you should be chasing women who are available. Lila is not available. Nor do you
know how much she digs you. So, like my cousin General Love says, “You’re really in a bad,
bad position here, soldier.” Lila might seem worth the effort to you, but you’re not worth the
effort to her.

Remember, guys: If she has a boyfriend, you’re wasting your time.

Dating Stages
Hey Doc,

I’m just entering the dating scene for the first time. I’m only 18, so it’s all pretty new to me.
Luckily, I discovered "The System" recently, and I really feel like I’m getting the hang of it. It
seems to me to be a great book and that you really know what you’re talking about.

Not too long ago I went to a party where I met Amanda, who was a friend of a friend. We did
some flirting with each other, so I asked for her (home) phone number and got it. I waited
several days and made a date with her for the next weekend (at Starbucks). As far as I can
judge, it went well.

That was about two months ago. Every week on Wednesday or Thursday I call Amanda to
set up a new date. It’s been the same ritual every week. Then we go out on Friday or
Saturday to the same places and the pattern is repeated ad nauseam. I’ve tried to vary the
places and activities and events, but on my meager budget it’s hard to get beyond the basic or
do anything too fancy.

Doc, my question is this: What now? How long is this weekly dating ritual supposed to last?
How long can Amanda and I keep doing the same things? Even I’m getting a little bored.
What is the next stage of a relationship? What in the world am I supposed to do at this point?
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Benno - who’s run out of ideas

Doc Love's Response

Hi Benno,

First of all, thanks for your compliments on “The System.” Now let me explain something to
you. Starbucks dates aren’t for Friday and Saturday nights. Coffee dates are for Sunday
through Thursday, and you have to make sure to mix the days up.

When you say that you’re calling Amanda on the same day every week to set up new dates, it
tells me loud and clear that you’re not really reading my book and memorizing it like you’re
supposed to. The Dating Dictionary gives very specific instructions on setting up dates. To
you psych majors, you don’t call to make a date on the same day every week — it's
monotonous and kills Challenge. You have to change things up and phone the girl on
different days. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “In order to keep a babe’s interest
alive, you have to keep her a little off balance.” So instead of calling her like Swiss
clockwork, wait between five to nine days, then ask her out with fresh ideas for things to do.

When you say it’s been the same ritual every week with Amanda, it means that you’ve fallen
into a pattern, which soon turns into a rut. You have to break the pattern up, just like it says in
my book. Again, it tells me you haven’t memorized it, dude.

If you say the pattern with Amanda is repetitive, then you shouldn’t be asking her out for the
same days every week. Ask her out for a Sunday one week and a Wednesday the next. Break
the pattern! Then ask her out for a Tuesday, and then for a Thursday. You have to move
things around. You are the problem here, Benno. Amanda’s not the one asking you out for
the same days over and over — it’s you imposing the pattern on her.

What is there to do on a date? You have to get hold of the Thursday paper in your city or
town. There you’ll find all of the free things that are going on that week. You’ll find free
concerts, you’ll find museum exhibits, and you might even find a boat or car show. There’s
always the zoo. There are lots of inexpensive things to do. And like my cousin Brother Love
down in Watts says, “If she really digs you, you don’t have to try to impress her, dawg.”

If you live in any decent-sized metropolitan area, there are hundreds of activities. There are
probably scores of restaurants that are all different from one another, and most won't cost
an arm and a leg. You just have to find them.

How long is the dating ritual supposed to last? It lasts until Amanda asks to be your
girlfriend. But you still have to vary your dates with her. You can’t keep on doing the same
things, Benno. That’s a recipe for trouble.

You’re getting bored because you have no originality, guy. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
from East L.A. says, “You’re not able to think on your feet.” Talk to your buddies. Talk to
your sister. Ask them what to do with a date. When you talk to someone on the street, say, "I
have a new girlfriend, and she likes to go to different places — what’s the best place in town
to take a girl?? They might give you a tip like Chuck’s Barbecue, where all the wait staff
wears cowboy hats and fake guns and they sing country songs. So find out what’s happening
in your city. There are plenty of unusual and free things to do — but you have to make an
effort and dig them up.

The next stage of a relationship comes after six months of dating, only if you haven’t picked
up on any red flags. But don’t worry about what stage you’re at right now, Benno. If you’re
on the verge of falling into a rut already, you should be concerned with keeping things fresh
and finding new places to take Amanda so she doesn’t get bored and lose interest in you.
That’s the problem you have to solve right now.

Remember, guys: Instead of taking your girl to where everybody else goes, find someplace
new and different.

Why She Broke Up With Me

Hey Doc,

I’m having a confusing and frustrating week due to my breakup with Scarlett. I’m 27 and
she’s 21, and we’ve known each other for five years, but we’ve only been dating for two
months. I admire your coaching, and I intend to buy your book. Before dating me, Scarlett
had a four-year relationship that she broke off because she felt that it wasn’t going anywhere.
We clicked completely and found that we shared lots of interests, had great chemistry, cared
for one another, and pretty much were compatible in every way.

The problems began when I was invited to her aunt’s house for dinner. Scarlett showed up
late and acted extremely cold to me. This was a side of her I never saw before. I kept to
myself most of the night because I felt stranded in an awkward position. Finally she sat me
down in a secluded room and told me that she was breaking up with me because she couldn’t
see a future for us. She threw in that I don’t motivate her enough and she felt that we were
going to end up being lazy, fat people on the couch. (By the way, neither of us is overweight,
and I go to the gym faithfully.) She then commented that we are not compatible and that
nothing can fix it. I told her I wasn’t accepting that answer because she wasn’t making sense.
She then commented that I was the greatest but she’s not, and that I should find someone
else. My heart was broken.

After about a week I sent her an email asking her to clarify the reason she suddenly broke
up with me. I told her that I was willing to work on any issues we might have if she’s
willing to and that I felt that we really had something awesome going. I asked her to think
about it and to get back to me. Through mutual friends I know she didn’t go back to her ex.

A few days later Scarlett replied that she just felt we weren’t compatible but gave no reason
why. She added that maybe we could be friends again or possibly go back to what we had.

Doc, I’m totally lost. Our relationship was great. I kept Scarlett interested, I wasn’t needy and
I didn’t see any compatibility issues. I really like Scarlett and would love to continue dating
her, but I just don’t understand her point of view. Is she still hung up on her ex? Why did she
suddenly turn cold on me? Is she confused about what she really wants in a relationship? Am
I the problem? Why couldn’t she have talked to me about these issues before breaking my
heart?
Gibby - who feels like crying

doc love’s response

Hi Gibby,

The first problem you’ve got is that you’re involved with 21-year-old girl. And if you knew
my book — which you don’t — you’d understand that between the ages of 18 to 22, girls fall
in and out of love every five minutes. You should be dating a 24-to-27-year-old. When
Scarlett froze you out at her aunt’s house, you should have just walked out. You should have
thanked the lady for her hospitality and hit the bricks. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from
East L.A. says, “Once I’m dissed, I walk.”

When Scarlett announced that she saw no future for the two of you, you should have said,
“You know, that’s exactly what I was thinking,” and added, “We had a great run.” Then you
should have got up and walked straight out and never talked to her again. Then, most
importantly, you should have immediately gotten my book — which you don’t have, and
which you just “might” buy — and figured out why Scarlett dumped you.

Scarlett is afraid that you and she will end up being lazy, fat people on the couch? And I
thought I’d heard them all! But neither of you are out of shape, so if what you’re saying is
true, what Scarlett claims has absolutely nothing to do with the breakup. What she’s not
telling you is that you lowered her Interest Level because you didn’t use the principles in my
book — that’s what she’s really saying to you in Womanese.

You lowered Scarlett’s Interest Level gradually over time and then she had to come up with
an excuse to get rid of you because women don’t come right out and tell you that you
lowered their interest slowly. They have to come up with something that doesn’t make any
sense, like, “We’re going to be lazy and fat in our old age.” Again, you would have figured
this out if you had “The System.” And so your heart was broken — but even then you didn’t
buy my book.

What does Scarlett have to do — drive a bulldozer through your house before you realize
what’s going on, before you catch on that she doesn’t dig you? Now let me get this straight.
You sent this girl an email asking for clarification why she deep-sixed you? That’s begging,
Gibby! Why are you on your knees? Don’t you get it — you’re out. Scarlett’s in the arms of
a new guy and you’re begging by email? You might think that you had something awesome,
but the truth is that you turned this girl off over a period of time. This is what you’re not
getting. Like my cousin General Love says, “Disasters don’t just happen overnight.”

And why are you blabbing to mutual friends? They’re going to cover for Scarlett, pal. How
do you know that these mutual friends are telling you the truth about what’s really going on?
To boot, they can’t wait to tell Scarlett that you’re begging on the side! (By the way, Gibby,
don’t rush out and get my book. You wouldn’t want to do that. It’s better for you to remain in
pain and misery than realize all the mistakes you made to turn this girl off!) Scarlett told you
there was a chance you two could go back to what you had? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says,
“The chance that she’ll take you back is about as good as you gettin’ hit by lightnin’!” My
friend, you might not have seen any problems whatsoever with Scarlett, but you didn’t have
my book. And because of that you were not reading all the signals and you couldn’t keep her
interested in you. In your mind she was interested in you, but you didn’t use the techniques in
“The System” — which you might just get around to buying in a couple of years.

It doesn’t really matter what Scarlett says about what happened between the two of you. The
only important point is that she doesn't want to be with you. You’re out, guy. And none of this
has anything to do with her ex. It only has to do with you. She didn’t turn “suddenly” cold on
you. She’s been thinking about getting rid of you for a while. She’s not confused at all about
what she wants in a relationship. You’re the one who’s confused. Scarlett knows for sure that
she wants to get rid of you, and you’re confused about what you did to lose her and how to
get her back. So, yes, Gibby, you are the one who’s the problem. What happened has nothing
to do with Scarlett or her ex or your mutual friends. Know why she couldn’t talk to you
before breaking up? Because women don’t do that. They just say au revoir. That’s also
explained in my book, which you’re thinking about buying sometime in the future.
Remember, guys: You might think you just got dumped today, but you were on your way out
before you realized it.

Does She Like Me?

Hey Doc,

I really like Melody. She is absolutely beautiful. We met when I was 17 and she was 15. At
the time I felt she was too young, but now I’m 30 and she’s 28. We only seem to bump into
each other at mutual friends’ funerals, and I didn’t think it was right to pursue her at the
funerals out of respect for my departed friends. But I can’t stop thinking about her.

Off To A Good Start

We exchanged numbers a few months back and said we would meet up. She told me she was
single and I want to believe her but find it hard because she is so nice and stunning in every
way. We eventually got together but didn’t really have a plan since we were both feeling
pretty fragile from a funeral the previous evening. So we just drove around and talked, and
ended up going to a movie. She was being really tactile as we walked down the street,
holding my arm as I held the umbrella. It was really romantic walking in the rain with her and
she was giving me plenty of signals, and I felt a real connection with her.

When I drove her home we kissed in my car, then I walked her to her door and we kissed
again. I texted her that it was really good to get to know her more, and that I was looking
forward to seeing her again. I don’t pressure this girl at all and try to always keep the
conversation light and funny. I try to stay a Challenge by not always returning her calls
immediately.

She's Ignoring You

Now, what happened was, some time ago, I asked her what she was doing for the weekend
and she said she was going away for a week to Europe. I wished her a good time but haven’t
seen her since. This was a month and a half ago, and although we have spoken once or twice
a week on the phone or texted since she got back, she has never set a date to meet again.
There was a period of two weeks when she didn’t even answer two of my phone calls or texts.
I deleted her number because I am not a chump who will chase a woman who doesn’t want to
be chased. Finally I sent her a message on Facebook: “Why the silence? Have you lost your
phone or something?” She immediately texted me that she was sorry for not calling, her uncle
had passed away and she was all over the place, getting drunk, etc., and not getting back to
anyone.

We have spoken once or twice since, but I don’t know what to do now. Am I wasting my
time? Is Melody interested in me at all? How can I find out if she likes me the way I like her?

Fish - who has it bad

Hi Fish,

Wow, man, your friends must live a hard life if they’re all kicking the bucket at 30! It’s not
like you’re all 80 years old or something. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says,
“Dawg, you better take it easy or run with a different crowd!”

You might find it hard to believe that Melody is single, but it doesn’t matter one way or the
other. When you use the principles of "The System," you cut right to the heart of the matter.
You call the girl up and ask her out. If she says yes, she digs you. If she says no, she doesn’t.
Simple as that.

Always Have A Plan

You shouldn’t be going out with Melody right after a funeral if you are so affected by it. To
you Psych majors, you should be upbeat and positive when you’re out with a woman. And
driving around and talking and drifting into a movie theater isn’t a date. It’s only a weak
excuse for one. You’re not organized at all, pal. You should have had a plan with Melody.
The whole idea behind my book is to have and follow a game plan. So apparently you don’t
have my materials.

You might have felt a connection to Melody, my friend, but the important question is whether
or not she felt a connection to you. Or was she just crying on your shoulder because a good
friend cashed in his chips?

Kissing Melody all over the place was an error. You shouldn’t be smooching this babe when
you’re coming out of a funeral. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You don’t make time with
a woman at a funeral. It’s not kosher.” Then you started talking about the future and how
you’d like to see her. Tell me something: Why isn’t Melody texting and phoning you? Why
are you doing all the pursuing? You don’t know the first thing about Challenge, Fish.
But you claim that you didn’t pressure Melody. No, you just tell her how much you like her,
that’s all. And while you might not return her calls immediately, you’re blowing Challenge in
other areas.

She's Not Into You - Here's Why

Now let me get this straight. You were making out with Melody, then she split to Europe for
a week and you didn’t see her for a month and a half. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from
East L.A. says, “Oh, yeah, this chick is really gone over you!” And by the way, she isn’t
supposed to set the date to meet again. The man is the date-maker. Again, it’s obvious that
you don’t have my book.
Now let me ask you this: What does it tell you that Melody doesn’t respond to your messages
for two weeks? Well, it must mean that she can’t afford the time since it would take 20 whole
seconds out of her life. That’s a lot to ask a person. It’s like giving someone a book and
asking them to read it. Wake up, Fish!

But you swear that you’re not a chump and a desperation chaser. Dude, you’ve been chasing
this girl all along. And when you sent Melody that Facebook message, you were begging.
Fish, don’t you think she got your earlier messages? You haven’t a clue, man. In fact, you’re
the king of telephone blunders!

But Melody had an excuse for not getting back to you: Her uncle died. Like my cousin Sal
“The Fish” Love says, “Does this babe come from a mafia family or something?” Yes, you’re
wasting your time with Melody. You’ve been wasting your time for two months, guy.
Melody is not interested in you at all. How can you tell if she likes you as much as you like
her?
Simple — by reading her actions, not her words. And like the old Chinese saying goes, “Her
actions speak volumes.”

Remember, guys: If you leave two messages and she doesn’t call back, you’re out.

Dating And Kissing

Hey Doc,

I’ve recently started dating again since my last relationship ended this summer. I live in a city
with a great ratio of hot women to men, and opportunity abounds. I am no expert with
women or in dating them, though. That’s why I turned to “The System” and your weekly
columns. I can say that it’s been helpful, but I do still have problems. Here’s my situation:
I’m in my mid-20s, and lately I’ve been dating a very beautiful, independent and successful
woman, Ashley, who is much older than me. She is definitely a hot cougar! I believe I’ve
done a great job with Challenge and see all the signs that point to her Interest Level being
over 50%. My problem is that I am failing to make an intimate connection with her, and I’m
afraid that she will start to throw me into the friend zone.

We have been on four dates and only twice have we pecked each other on the lips. That’s
when I dropped her off at home and said goodbye. I’m growing desperate to make a
connection with her, and fear it may already be too late. Each time we do “peck,” Ashley
backs off. She says she’s extremely nervous, then quickly explains that she’s not used to
dating and kissing. It’s the first time in a couple years she’s dated since breaking up with her
ex. When I get home, I get a text saying she had a great time, looks forward to seeing me and
is sorry for being so nervous.

Doc, what can I do to make Ashley more comfortable with me on our next date so that I can
kiss her, or do I just wait for her to make the move instead?

Sergio - who is a terrible kisser

Doc's Response
Hi Sergio,
First of all, you have to immerse yourself in “The System.” Only then will you really get it.
To you psych majors, it’s like being great at anything — you have to work really, really hard
at it. Perfection calls for complete dedication. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East
L.A., says, “Do you think Tiger Woods got to be Tiger Woods overnight?”

But what the heck are you doing with a cougar? Cougars don’t look for long-term
relationships with young guys. For them, you’re strictly a physical diversion. My friend, you
should be dating someone your own age or a little younger. Think about it. Is Ashley dating
you just because you’re young and good-looking? What’s her reason for hanging with
someone so much younger? What this means is that you have to be on top of your game,
Sergio, and that means knowing my techniques inside and out. Like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says, “When she’s got all the experience, you’d better know what the hell you’re
doing or you’re gonna get burned.”

MISSING SECOND PART!!!

http://www.askmen.com/dating/doclove_800/803b_dating-and-kissing.html

Betraying A Friend
Hey Doc,

So, I’m at the club last night, the booze is flowing, everyone is feeling good, and I’m getting
my groove on. I recognize Lourdes, a friend I went to college with, so I say hi, and we start
dancing. The next thing I know, we’re in a cab heading to my place. Things are about to get
physical when she brings up our mutual friend and her ex, Bill. She says, “Did you know that
Bill and are back together?” Obviously, I did not know — I wouldn’t have been barking up
this particular tree if I knew there was a monkey already up there. So, I tell her, “No, I didn’t
know that,” and I immediately stop progressing with her.

Now Bill, besides being Lourdes’s ex-boyfriend, is a truly loyal friend and a stand-up guy.
I’ve been burned before by women in the past, and I wouldn’t betray his trust if this woman
says she’s involved with him. But let’s just say I had every opportunity to — all it would have
taken was one kiss, touch, move, etc., and Lourdes would have forgotten all about Bill and I
would have had her. In fact, that’s exactly what she said. She was inviting me to do just that.

Doc, a couple of things strike me about this situation, and I can’t wrap my head around them.
First, I’m not surprised that Lourdes would be willing to cheat, because I know that’s exactly
what people do. But I’m wondering why Bill didn’t come up in the club, on the ride to my
place or any point earlier than when we were about to get really romantic. Secondly, am I
freakin’ nuts here? I could have had Lourdes, and it might have meant betraying a friend, but
let’s say I didn’t know the guy. Should I have given a damn? What I’m asking is, where does
integrity play into this situation, or some other similar one? I know myself; I am not a cheater,
but it’s difficult to reconcile the opportunity I had with Lourdes and the morality I displayed.
Third, and I think most importantly, is that I’m resisting the urge to feel jaded about women
after this, but it’s tough not to. It feels like the more I stand fast to my principles, the less
success I’ll have. I need a new way of understanding this situation, because the whole
experience has left a bad taste in my mouth.
Cooper - who is still scratching his head

Doc's Response
Hi Cooper,

Notice when Lourdes brings up the fact that she and Bill are back together? Not when you’re
dancing or ordering too much sauce from the bartender. She brings it up after you’re already
both in the cab back to your place. Why is she only doing it then? You have to ask yourself
this question. To you psych majors, this is highly inconsistent behavior. What does my book
say about inconsistent behavior? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “I
gotta figure you have a loon on your hands.”

It’s obviously a no-brainer that it was good that you stopped getting romantic with Lourdes as
soon as you heard her mention that she was back with Bill. Not only because she’s a whack
job, but also because it’s best to wait as long as possible to get physical with a babe, and you
don’t want to get physical on the first date.

Guy, you have a great buddy here in Bill. And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says,
“Men are really goofy when it comes to their women.” In other words, whether Lourdes is
his ex or not, Bill still has some kind of emotional involvement with her. So the fact that you
put a stop to the action with her was smart not only because she’s a loony tune but also
because you don’t want to screw up your relationship with Bill. I don’t give a hoot what a
guy says about his ex. He might say he’s done with his woman, but he’s not really done
emotionally.
He might put on a tough front, but on the inside there are still emotional bonds. So, you can
never go merely by words in this sort of situation, Cooper.

You say that you know that people cheat, but what you really mean to say is that some people
cheat — not everyone. Why didn’t Lourdes’ relationship with Bill come up at the club or any
point earlier than when you two were about to get physical? Because, like I said, Lourdes is a
whack job. And, ultimately, because she wanted to get rid of the “guilties.” Like my cousin
Brother Love down in Watts says, “The longer she kept her trap shut, if something bad went
down she could blame it on you.” She didn’t want to take responsibility for her actions if she
went further, dude.

Yes, you’re nuts because you are reacting to nothing but a large amount of alcohol and you’re
reading way too much into this situation. You can’t take this thing personally, pal. You have
no track record with this babe. So, what you’re actually telling me in your letter is that you
really dig Lourdes and you have all along.

No, in this type of situation you shouldn’t give a damn if you don’t know the guy. Why
should you care if you have no loyalty toward him? But like my cousin General Love says,
“When he’s your good buddy, you can’t betray him.”

Where does Integrity enter into the equation? If it involves a good friend, you don’t touch his
woman or his ex. Regarding your morality and the missed opportunity, you’re putting some
kind of guilt trip on yourself, Cooper, and, like I said before, you’re taking this situation way
too seriously.
You don’t have to feel jaded, Cooper. The reality of life is that some women cheat. But other
women wouldn’t dream of cheating if you gave them a million bucks. You have to find the
latter kind. Your principles are a good thing to have, my friend, because you don’t want to be
a success with unprincipled losers. You want to have success with one winner.

If your Interest Level in Lourdes were 55%, you wouldn’t have a bad taste in your
mouth right now. But you really like her a lot — that’s the problem. Getting physical for
a night wasn’t the real bugaboo here; your high Interest Level was.

Remember, guys: Don’t mess with your best buddy’s girl.

Date After Divorce

Hey Doc,

What to tell women about why I am divorced? I enjoy reading your column and it always
helps me understand where I’ve gone wrong in the past in relationships. Well, I am now about
to reenter the dating world after a 10-year marriage. One question that seems to come up right
after women find out that I am divorced is, “What happened in your marriage?” I need help
figuring out the best way to answer that question.

In a nutshell, after seven and a half pretty great years (in my mind) with no fights and what
others (including my wife at the time) called a great relationship and two young daughters, I
lost my job, suffered a herniated disc and subsequently went into a depression. It was not a
good time in my life. At the same time, my ex-wife took a really stressful job (which I
suggested wouldn’t be good for her) that required a lot of travel, and one year later she began
a relationship with a married man she met through that job. When it became obvious to me
what was happening with this other guy, I confronted her. I got what most men get in this
situation: a bunch of lies (he’s just a friend, she doesn’t love him, it isn’t physical, etc.). Then
I got blamed for not supporting her when I lost my job. At that time, I made the hard choice
to try to reconcile with her for the sake of my daughters.

For seven months I unsuccessfully tried everything I knew to save the marriage before she
chose to leave. Unfortunately, I gave up all my power to her, and my self-confidence and
self- esteem has taken a big hit. Now, I have a very contentious relationship with my
daughters’ mother, who is in a serious relationship with the now-divorcing man with whom
she had the affair. She has also told all of our friends how happy she is, what a great guy he is
and has communicated how little she cares about how her choices have impacted me and my
daughters. It’s been tough to take.

So I’m now moving on with my life, focusing on being happy as a single man. But just saying
to a new woman “We grew apart” isn’t an honest story, and “My wife left me for someone
else” isn’t a complete story. While the latter is ultimately what ended my marriage, I have
chosen to accept my contributions to why our situation became so difficult (out of work,
unhappy with myself, too accommodating, etc.) instead of just blaming her for her actions.
Don’t get me wrong — I no longer have any respect for my ex-wife and realize that I didn’t
pay attention to red flags she set off at the beginning of our relationship, but I am where I am.
I’d like help coming up with an explanation to women that is honest but that doesn’t set off a
bunch of red flags. I know I don’t have to go into detail, but I think that any woman I get
serious with will learn much of the story in the future, so I don’t want to set myself up for a
future trust issue in a new relationship. So what should I tell people?

Carter - who wants a fresh start

Doc's Response
Hi Carter,

You’re concerned with answering questions from new women when you don’t even have any
idea how to date since you’ve been in a 10-year time warp. So, first of all, before you worry
about anything else, you have to get my book and memorize it. Otherwise, like my cousin
Rabbi Love says, “You’ll be condemned to repeat the sins and errors of the past.” You say
your ex-wife blamed you for not supporting her when you lost your job. But where was her
support for you? When you were down and out for a while, why didn’t she stand beside you?
And taking a job with lots of travel is no excuse whatsoever for infidelity.

You say that you tried everything to save your marriage, but you make no mention
whatsoever of “The System.” My book is the only thing that could have helped you, pal. So
you really didn’t do everything to save your marriage, and you certainly didn’t do the most
important thing, which was to memorize my book.

Of course your ex doesn’t care about the impact the divorce has had on you, but what about
her daughters? She doesn’t care about them at all, and that’s who she should be concerned
with first and foremost. Your ex is having all kinds of fun with this new guy she met on her
job, but what about her kids? That’s who she should be thinking about, not him. Like my
Uncle Jethro Love says, “That was some good woman you married, boy.”

What should you tell the new women you meet about what happened in your marriage? Say
that your wife was a real nice girl but that it just didn’t work out. And that's it. To you
psych majors, you’re not supposed to be open with every personal negative detail in your
life. But, again, you’d know that if you had “The System,” Carter.

You say that you don’t want to set up a field full of red flags when you meet new ladies, but
the truth is that you will as soon as you say that you’re divorced. The women you date in the
future are no doubt going to ask you why your marriage went sour. But again, all you have to
tell them is that your ex was a very nice lady and that you have two beautiful daughters with
her. Then change the subject. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You
don’t have to lay some kind of heavy trip on yourself just because you’re divorced.”

But before you go off and rush straight into rejection again like most guys do, get a hold of
and memorize my book. It’s your only protection from having your life ruined all over again
by another failed relationship. Ask yourself this question, Carter: “Do I really want to go
through this hell again?”

Remember, guys: You should be honest, but you don’t have to lay it all out there.
Cheating In Relationships

Hey Doc,

A little over a month ago, I discovered that my wife, Cherry, was texting a former co-worker
on a regular basis. When I confronted her, she protested that they were just friends and she
was bored and he was someone to talk to. She said that if it bothered me that much, she would
delete his number and no longer talk to him. For two weeks Cherry lied, told me that I was
crazy and that she and this guy were just friends. One night when I was at work, I discovered
that she had backed up her iPhone on my laptop. By luck — if you want to call it that — I
was able to recover three texts from this other guy that were suspicious. Bluffing her with
these texts, I was finally able to get her to admit that she had had an affair with the guy.

Let me back up a bit. Cherry and I have been together since 2006. I have cheated on my wife,
and she knows about it. We have two young children, but I have not cheated since we
became pregnant with our first child. Now back to the present. When she admitted to
cheating, I did the two things you should never do: I got drunk and asked for details. She said
that it happened only one time with this other guy, and that it was a horrible experience both
physically and emotionally. She said that she tried to block it out of her mind and that she
only continued to talk to him because she does not have a lot of female friends and that he
initiated the conversations. She said that the affair came up in conversation with him recently
when he asked if they could ever do it again. She told me that she told him that she loved her
husband too much to make the mistake again. I asked her if she had any feelings for him, and
she said none whatsoever.

Doc, I am by no means perfect, and our relationship has been rocky at times. Cherry has gone
through some very difficult times within the last few years. She also admitted to me the other
night that she has always felt that I had married down and that she was always insecure about
what other people thought we were doing together. I have never felt this way and have
always considered myself lucky to be with her.

Anyway, we have begun the healing process, and I have forgiven Cherry. She has apologized
again and again and has had no contact with the other guy. Our relationship is like it was
when we first fell in love. So here are my questions. I love Cherry and believe that she loves
me. Should I just let go of wanting to know everything that really happened between her and
this other guy and move on? Is it possible she has told me the entire truth or did she have
feelings for him? If she wanted to be with him, wouldn't she have just left me? Any coaching
would be appreciated because I am driving myself crazy!

Jed - who can’t seem to forget

Hi Jed,

When Cherry tells you that she’s bored and needs something else in her life, what she’s really
saying is that she’s bored with you. If she needs someone to talk to, she should be talking to
you — assuming, of course, that she’s telling you the truth about what’s going on. And since
she was cheating on you and denied it only to admit later that it was true, you don’t know
what to believe, do you?
It’s very sad that Cherry admitted that she had an affair. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
“It’s the worst possible thing a woman can do to her husband and the father of her children.”
But then what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Since you cheated on her, Cherry
might have cheated on you just to you to play catch up with you. She’s thinking, why not
even the score? Like the great Doctor Freud once wrote, “Never underestimate the power of
a woman’s resentment.”

The only thing you’ve gotten right so far is that a man should never get drunk and ask for
details. And if you believe for even a second that it happened only once between your wife
and this other guy and it was horrible, I’ve got some swampland in Georgia that I’d like to
sell you.

Now let me get this straight, dude. If Cherry doesn’t have many female friends and has to talk
to someone, why is she talking to a male? What sense does that make? You mean to tell me
that she doesn’t have a single woman friend to confide in? I hope you busted her on that one.

You should have been talking about stuff like marrying below your station before you got
hitched to Cherry. And you should have told her that you felt lucky to be with her. Forgiving
Cherry is not the problem. The real issue is this: Has she forgiven you? And you have to
remember that the relationship is like it was when you first fell in love only in your mind, not
necessarily in hers.

Jed, I certainly hope that Cherry loves you like you believe she does, otherwise you’re in even
bigger trouble than you are in already. Yes, you should let go of wanting to know all of the
gory details of how she cheated on you and betrayed you and committed adultery. You have
to, because of the kids. The chance that your wife told you the entire and complete truth about
what happened with this guy is about 50%. The other 50% is that she had feelings for him.
Wouldn’t she have left you if she wanted to? She has two kids and a house, so come on, guy.
Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Just because she wants to play in the hay doesn’t mean
she wants to leave the barn.”

Remember, guys: When a woman commits adultery, it’s always her fault.

Her Ex Is Texting

Hey Doc,

First, I just wanted to say how much I love "The System." I bought it after a few failed
relationships in which I got the short end of the stick, and it’s really made my dating life a lot
better. Your book is amazing — you seem to have a category for every possible situation that
can come up in a relationship, or even casual dating. I thank you for your brilliant insight.

On to my question: I’ve been dating Kristara for about six months now. We started things
very slowly since I was busy studying for my medical boards when we met, so it was a
convenient excuse to rebuff some of her advances when she asked to hang out. Things
continue to go smoothly between us. I never discuss my feelings for Kristara, but I always
treat her with respect, I keep things exciting, and I remain a Challenge at all times and in all
respects.
The problem is that Kristara has an ex that has started reaching out to her again. He hasn’t
said anything serious to her (yet), but he texted her this past weekend at midnight on a
Saturday, when we were out at a bar with some friends.

She told me right away, said it was really odd that he got in touch, and says she hasn’t even
bothered responding. These are all signs of a trustworthy woman.

Doc, the issue is that I’ve had this problem before in relationships. Exes always seem to find
a way to mess things up and pull at the heartstrings of the woman I’m dating. I have no
reason to worry right now, but I also want to make it clear to Kristara that if her ex continues
to contact her, and she starts responding to his texts, I’m not OK with it. It’s clear to me that
he has a motive if he’s texting her at midnight on a weekend.

Any idea how I should approach this sensitive subject?

Vittorio - who doesn’t want the other guy on his mind

Hi Vittorio,

The beauty of "The System" is that whether you just want to casually date and practice until
you master all of its precepts or you find a “keeper” and want to make a relationship
permanent, everything you need is contained in its pages.

Now, Vittorio, let me compliment you on how well you handled Kristara at the beginning of
your relationship. You did everything right, my friend. You took it nice and slow. You
ratcheted up mystery and Challenge by parrying Kristara’s eager come-ons. In other words,
you didn’t rush straight into rejection like most men do. As a result, you got this thing off the
ground and have kept it in the air — so far.

Regarding the ex who got in touch with your girl when you two were out having a good time,
keep in mind that while you think he didn’t say anything serious to Kristara, the fact is that
you don’t know what he said to her. It’s the fact that he’s contacting her at all that’s the
problem. So you’re focusing on the wrong thing here.

But what is annoying is that Kristara felt compelled to tell you in the first place all about this
test message. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “This is where some women are
stupid.” Why didn’t she just delete the message and not even mention it to you? Did she think
it was going to raise your Interest Level? Well, it didn’t. Lots of women like to talk about
their exes when their exes take a hit at them, and it’s not smart and it’s not good. All blabbing
about her ex does is make the new guy — you — feel uncomfortable. So this is where the
real problem lies when it comes to blasts from the past.

That said, Kristara’s ex getting in touch with her should not be blamed on her. This happens
to lots of women when they move from one guy to another. Again, the issue is that Kristara
had to tell you about what happened. Now in one sense this was OK because she was being
open and honest with you about what’s going on. That she did not respond to the text is
likewise admirable. And if you have six months of a track record with Kristara, then you
have to trust her that there’s nothing more to the story.
Again, unenlightened women bring up exes. And that’s why you feel exes have damaged
your earlier relationships, Vittorio. But don’t get too heavy-handed by telling Kristara what
you’re OK and not OK with. Because then you’re being too uptight and you’re giving out
ultimatums. That stuff doesn’t work, and you’ll know why if you’ve read my book. Like my
cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, just keep quiet about what happened and hopefully the
problem will go away on its own.” But you have to watch like a hawk and listen like an owl
when Kristara talks about this guy so that you’re always tuned in to what’s happening. And
whatever you do, don't tell her what to do. To you psych majors, you want Kristara to get rid
of this guy on her own.

Of course Kristara’s ex has a motive when he texts her on Saturday at midnight. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “He’s drunk and he’s lonely and he has a phone
in his hand — what else would you expect him to do?”

How should you approach such a sensitive subject? Keep your mouth shut about it.

Remember, guys: If she has a good track record, you have to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Killing Challenge

Hey Doc,

A month ago I met Shara, who works as a massage therapist at my spa. (I work at the coffee
bar a floor below.) Throughout the month, we talked about past relationships and our family
and friends, and we discovered we see eye to eye on many topics. Of course, being an
idealistic, hopeless romantic type, I find her incredibly charming, warm, attractive and loving,
and naturally fell head over heels for her.

It was my impression that Shara was sending messages my way, implying that I should ask
her out. For instance, she asked my opinion on what dresses look good on her and other
things, and I’m the only man who works with her who has broken the touch barrier. After one
day of playfully hanging out on the job, I asked her to be my date for a work event where we
would enjoy the music of a fellow employee. She replied yes, but a couple weeks later she
gave me the "Friend Speech." She said she doesn’t date coworkers and she saw our date as
only something between friends. At the time I wasn’t expecting much because she just got out
of a nasty breakup with her former fiance and is still dealing with the baggage that comes
with it. However, I still have feelings for Shara, and I want a shot at a relationship with her.
I’m going to try to enjoy the night of partying with her and all of my other coworkers, but I’m
lost on how I can possibly turn her interest in me into something more intimate and long-term.

So far, I know that Shara values my opinion, trusts me, thinks I’m funny and enjoys my
company, so I’m curious to know how I can make her become more than my friend and
possibly end up the woman of my dreams. I forgot to mention that I’m 25 and Shara’s 29, so
she has plenty of experience with relationships and men. During the “Friend Speech,” she
said, “I’ve had my heart broken too many times now,” if that means anything. Thanks in
advance.

Nat - who wants her to keep touching him

Hi Nat,

As soon as you started blabbing to Shara about everything under the sun, you made a huge
mistake. You should be doing your talking to this woman on your first date. Worse, you told
her everything! To you psych majors, you shouldn’t be sharing everything with a woman
before you date her. You’re giving away the store before you even go out with her. Like my
Uncle Jethro Love says, “You’re putting the cart before the horse, boy.” And as the great
philosopher Voltaire wrote, “The best way to be boring is to leave nothing out.”

Being a hopeless romantic tells me that you’re a loser with women, Nat. It’s OK to have
strong feelings toward a female, but when you open your mouth and act on them, you're
killing challenge. I’m sure you feel Shara is warm and attractive and loving and all the rest of
it, but they’re your feelings. The only important point here is whether or not she’s falling
head over heels in love with you.

Shara may have sent you messages and hints that you should ask her out, but it doesn’t mean
anything whatsoever. You shouldn’t be answering her messages and hints anyway. What you
should have done was answer her face to face. You should have told Shara “We’ll talk about
all this stuff on our first date.” That way you could have put a stop to all your yakking and
blabbing. Again, you gave away all kinds of information about yourself and you hadn’t even
been on your first date. Dude, everything you’ve already told Shara should have been spread
out over the next four or five dates. But that’s not going to happen now because you already
told her everything there is to know about you. Like my cousin General Love says, “You’d
make a terrible undercover agent.”

So you’ve already shot your wad, my friend. Look at it this way: there’s no reason for Shara
to go out with you because she knows everything there is to know about you already. There
will be nothing new to find about you on a date, so for her there’s no point. Likewise, it
doesn’t mean anything that Shara asks your opinion about what she wears. Like my cousin
Sal “The Fish” Love says, “She asks her brother the same thing.”

Nat, when you ask someone from work out, nobody at your place of employment should
know what you’re doing. Now you’re escorting Shara to a work function, which is a group
date, and that’s a no-no, as you would know if you read my book, which obviously you
haven’t. The reason Shara gave you the “Friend Speech” was because she found someone
better than you who knew how to keep his mouth shut. She made a date with you, but told
you that it was just friendly because she found someone else who was actually interesting.

Shara might have said that she sees your fake date as something between friends, but if you
looked like Brad Pitt she’d forget about that in a heartbeat. And let’s get something straight.
You were expecting a lot from her. You’ve had the hots for her ever since you set eyes on her,
so don’t lie to me. And how do you know what kind of baggage Shara is lugging around?
What are you, her psychiatrist? Did you sit down and have five sessions with her?

You might want a shot at a relationship with Shara, but there’s no chance of that now. You
blew your shot when you got yourself relegated to the friend zone. So it’s too late to turn this
into anything more intimate and long-term. Just forget it.
Shara might like you and enjoy your company and trust you, but not on a romantic level, and
that’s the crucial difference. Whatever happens between you and Shara is all just on a
friendship level. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You’re just her
girlfriend.” And that’s all you’ll ever be. Why? Because you’re a hopeless romantic. You’ll
hit the lottery before you end up with this babe, Nat.

Shara does have some experience with relationships. And you don’t have any, judging by
your letter. When she told you that she had her heart broken too many times now, it
didn’t mean a thing. She was just talking to her girlfriend — that’s you.

Remember, guys: when she says you’re just friends, she doesn’t dig you and you’re out — or
worse, you were never in.

Low Interest Level

Hey Doc,

I’ve been following your articles for a few years now, read "The System" about nine months
ago and have tried to apply it in my dating life, but have come across an issue I’m not sure
how to handle. I’ve tried to put the book and your articles together and come up with a
solution, but I seem to be falling short.

I’ve known Debbi for four years (we work together), but she was married and I was, too. Two
years ago we began talking on the phone frequently and flirting. The flirting became more
serious and led to a romantic relationship. During this time, she was still married and I had
been separated from my wife for a couple of years. In hindsight, it might not have been the
moral thing to do, but everything seemed right at the time. At this time, Debbi lived in a
different city. When we talked, she explained that she wasn’t happy in her marriage and was
looking to get out of it. Time passed and she did get out of her marriage and moved closer to
where I live. Her Interest Level in me was in the 90s, and I was trying to control myself and
keep mine down in the 70s.

When Debbi first moved, things were great. There was affection, intimacy and everything
was incoming. Then, all of a sudden, Debbi started distancing herself and said she was going
through emotional turmoil because she moved, started a new job and left her husband. She
said she didn’t have proper closure. I tried to use your principles the best that I could, but we
broke up, as I didn’t want to play second fiddle in Debbi’s life. The breakup was messy. We
both got involved with other people for a very short time. Debbi eventually explained that her
biggest mistake was that her separation and move were too much for her to handle and that
she wasn’t thinking straight. She wanted to start again, with a clean slate on both our sides.

So now we’re back together, but Debbi’s past is creeping back into her life and affecting how
we interact. She has become inconsistent and not as attentive. She says she’s dealing with
feelings of regret over her failed marriage, but doesn’t want to be with her ex. Doc, my
question is this: how do I know where this girl’s heart is? Is it legitimate that she is going
through emotional distress because of her split with her ex-husband and moving cities and I
should cut her some slack? Or is her confusion just low Interest Level? Should I take her
inconsistency as a warning sign and run? I’m at a loss for what to do. I like Debbi, but at the
same time I don’t want to get deeply into something that I know will probably fail. Do I have
a chance here? How do I drive Debbi’s interest up and keep it up?

Gallo - who is losing his grip

Hi Gallo,

Now let me get this straight. Debbi was married and you were separated from your wife.
What that means was that we had two people committing adultery. What a great start for a
long and fantastically happy relationship!

Getting together with Debbi when you were both hitched certainly wasn’t the moral thing to
do, and it wasn’t the right thing to do. So you missed on both counts, dude. Of course it “felt
right” at the time. You were both high on high Interest Level. But you were both married,
which means that what you did was wrong, wrong, wrong.

Debbi had lots of excuses — a new job, moving, breaking up with her husband, etc. — for
why things started going south between the two of you. Her excuses are either true, or you
weren’t going by “The System”; it’s that simple. But the problem is this: Either way, the
relationship is no good. That’s all that matters now.

You didn’t want to play second fiddle in Debbi’s life? Gallo, you’ve been playing second
fiddle from the day you started flirting with her at work! Then you had a messy breakup and
got involved with other people. Hey, I can understand that. You wouldn’t want to go it alone
and clear your heads! Better to go straight out and get mixed up with some other person!
Makes sense to me!

When you tell me that Debbi has become inconsistent and inattentive, I say unequivocally that
it is because she has low Interest Level. You might want to believe that she’s confused and
that this is a case of rebound, but it’s not — it’s low Interest Level. Like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says, “When Liz Taylor dumped Eddie Fisher for Richard Burton, she didn’t have
any feelings of confusion or regret whatsoever.”

Where is this girl’s heart? Sadly, it’s not with you, my friend. Should you cut her some slack?
She got rid of you, Gallo. You don’t cut slack for someone who got rid of you. You’re out
with Debbi. You had two tries with her and neither one worked out because you’re not going
by “The System.” And, again, it’s not her emotional confusion here that’s the issue; it’s her
low Interest Level.

Nah, you shouldn’t run from Debbi. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says,
“You should get on the first plane and leave the country.” You might not want to get into
something with her now, but you should have thought of that when you started flirting with
her at work. This thing was doomed right then and there, from the beginning. Do you have a
chance with her? Yeah — one in a trillion. You can’t drive Debbi’s Interest up now because
it’s below 50%. And that means it’s too late.

Remember, guys: Until she’s divorced, she’s not available.

She Doesn't Want A Relationship

Hey Doc,

I was introduced to Lorrie at my university. She told me she wasn’t looking for a relationship.
I was hurt and upset because I really liked her, but the feelings weren’t requited. I got mad
and deleted her number and completely stopped talking to her. I felt misled and played
because her roommate told me that Lorrie dug me, but I subsequently found that it wasn’t
true.

I talked to my parents about it, and both told me to get Lorrie out of my head, to just leave her
alone. I did so for a while, but I missed hanging out with her. I told myself that if we
progressed beyond being friends, it would be awesome, but I didn’t expect it to happen.

After we started communicating again, she was totally different. She talked to me and texted
me a lot. She wanted to hang out. She questioned me about my preferences for girls and
what I wanted from a girl. She was really flirty and would play with my hair and rest her
head on me. She was making the first moves and setting the pace. When she asked what I
liked in a girl, I told her I liked when the girl sometimes made the first move. One night we
were at her dorm, she took me by the hand, led me to her room and kissed me. Afterward,
she said, “I know you like when the girl makes the first move.” It was as if she was trying to
please me and convince me that she wanted something.

For the next two weeks, we hung out three times and kissed. One morning I asked her if we
were dating exclusively, and she said she wasn’t dating anyone except me, and she asked,
“Where do we stand?” I told her, “I think we have the potential to have something really
great.” Later that night, she called and said the following: “I haven’t had a boyfriend in over a
year and a half. I was in a serious relationship then, and the guy cheated on me. It hurt me
badly and scared me away from dating. I have a defensive wall. When I feel things are
progressing past a certain point, I shut down. I don’t act flirty, I don’t kiss any more and I act
standoffish. I really like you, but I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to waste your time.
When you said we have potential, it scared me. I think we should stop kissing. I have feelings
for you, and I feel like a coward for trying to regress, but it’s a psychological thing. I have to
have a certain feeling about a situation that I just haven’t had with you yet.”

Doc, it seems to me that Lorrie still wants me around. One thing that I’m concerned about is
“the feeling” she hasn’t felt for me yet. Do you think that will occur over time? Do you think I
should expect a relationship? Should I keep in touch with Lorrie? If so, should I let her come
after me instead of vice versa? Or should I run the other way and never look back?

Cazzie - who doesn’t know where to go from here

Hi Cazzie,

When a girl tells you she isn’t looking for a relationship, she’s telling you straight to your
face in Womanese that she’s not interested in a relationship with you. But the male ego, being
the devil that it is, makes you believe that somehow, through persistence, you can change a
woman’s mind, which goes against the Reality Factor. And what did you do when you found
out Lorrie wasn’t interested in you? You tossed a hissy fit. You pouted. It’s very mature to
pout, Cazzie. Pouting is a very masculine trait.
Why did you believe Lorrie’s roommate that Lorrie dug you? Why would you rely on an
outside source? Why didn’t you just go by Lorrie’s actions? That’s what you’re supposed to
do, my friend. Like my cousin General Love says, “James Bond would never talk to a girl’s
roommate.”

You should have heeded your parents’ advice to get Lorrie out of your head, dude. Your folks
are brilliant people. But you didn’t listen to them, and you dreamed about hanging out with
Lorrie, even though she didn’t miss hanging out with you. Your parents saw reality, and you
didn’t, Cazzie.

You might have thought that it would be awesome to be more than friends with Lorrie, but
she wasn’t your friend in the first place. She didn’t want to be around you. She didn’t want to
have a relationship with you. To you psych majors, a woman doesn’t want to have even a
friendly relationship with some guy she’s not interested in who wants to date her.

When Lorrie flirted with you, she was demonstrating inconsistent behavior. She was bored
and needed something to do, so she fooled around with you — that’s all there was to it.
Maybe she even felt sorry for you because you were mooning over her. But it doesn’t matter
why she flirted with you, because she doesn't really like you, and she doesn’t care if she hurts
you. But I will give her this: At least she’s telling you up front that she doesn’t want to
mislead you. But since your Interest Level is 100%, you’re grabbing at straws, like most
guys.

When you said you had great potential with Lorrie, it scared her because she has low Interest
Level in you. If you tell a woman that you have potential when her Interest Level is in the
90s, she would say, “Yeah, you’re right!” But Lorrie doesn’t have Interest Level anywhere
near that. That’s why her behavior is so inconsistent.

And when she told you that she doesn’t have a special feeling for you yet, all it meant was
false hope that you conjured up in your own mind. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says,
“'Yet' means it will never happen.” But you still want to believe that Lorrie wants you around.
Are you really that desperate, Cazzie? It’s absolutely amazing!

Will Lorrie eventually get a “feeling” for you? Oh, maybe in about 3,000 years! Should you
expect a relationship? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “I think you got a better chance of
gettin’ hit by lightnin’!” Should you keep in touch with Lorrie? Yeah — if you like wasting
your time and being tortured.

Cazzie, you’re out with this babe. It’s all a waste of time. It’s over. Actually, it never even
started. Should you run the other way and never look back? Pal, I couldn’t have said it better!

Remember, guys: When a woman runs hot and cold, forget her.

Dating Friends

Hey Doc,

First of all, on behalf of all men, thank you for "The System." I have studied and practiced it
and your Mastery Series for the past year with amazing results, and I am getting better at it
with experience. However, I have recently stumbled into a situation that I can’t find the
solution to.

This problem involves two attractive women in my college art class who are friends with
each other. I’ll call them Leila and Layla. The class meets twice a week. During the second
class, I noticed Leila looking at me from across the room while I was busy with a drawing. I
caught her checking me out two or three times when I looked up from my work, and the third
time she smiled at me. I smiled back and went back to my work.

Later, I approached the professor for suggestions on improving my piece, and she suggested I
walk around and look at the other students’ drawings for ideas. While passing by Leila’s and
Layla’s tables (they sit next to each other), Layla looked up and smiled at me. I smiled back
and kept on walking.

During the next class, Layla smiled at me several times. Again, I smiled back and didn’t pay
her any attention beyond that. At the same time, I kidded and made friends with the other
students in the class in front of both Leila and Layla so they know I’m a fun and sociable
person. I get attention from women in the class and notice that the two of them sometimes
whisper and giggle while looking at me when I’m nearby.

Now for the million-dollar question. I like both of these women, but how do I ask for their
phone numbers and ask out both of them? Is it possible to date two friends simultaneously?
We both know that women talk. I get phone numbers all the time and date attractive women
so I’m not nervous about going up to and talking to women. The question is when and how
should I approach these two? What do you say, Doc?

Wilhelm - who’s intrigued by both of them

Hi Wilhelm,

Thank you for having the ability to set your ego aside and practice self-improvement. It
sounds like you have definitely benefited from sticking with my principles until you made
them work for you. And, remember, there is always a solution to any dilemma you face with
the opposite sex inside the pages of my book.

Now, it’s great that Leila is smiling at you in class. But hopefully she’s smiling at you not just
because she’s being friendly, but also because she has high Interest Level in you.

You make an excellent point by mentioning the fact that you are mingling and laughing with
everybody else in class, and not just Leila and Layla. You want everyone to think that you are
the class clown — that’s the whole idea. It demonstrates to both Leila and Layla that you are
an easy guy to relate to, that you’re funny and that you won’t be mooning over just the two of
them. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Women can’t resist a funny guy.” And
what proves it is that Leila and Layla can’t seem to control their giggles when you’re around.
Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Nothin’ beats a giggling girl.”

It’s no problem to ask both of these babes out, my friend. Nobody ever said dating two people
was wrong. The trick is to ask them out individually. When one of them slips out to the
bathroom, or one stays late after class for a few minutes, that’s when you make your move.
Then, the next time you get the opportunity, you hit the other one.
And here’s the key to the situation: You want both of these women to know that you asked
each of them for her phone number. To you psych majors, you’re not going to be able to hide
something like this, so there’s no point in trying. In other words, you have to go with it, roll
with the situation. If one of these women says, “I noticed that you asked my girlfriend for her
phone number,” you come right back with “Yeah, we’re going to have a little contest here to
see which one of you two can win my heart.” In other words, you’re going to make a light
joke out of the fact that you asked both of them for their phone numbers.

To answer your next question: Yes, it’s possible to date two girls simultaneously. But it’s
improbable. The point is this: You’re only going to end up with one of them, not both of
them. So, like my cousin General Love says, “Let the two of them fight it out over you.”

Wilhelm, the reason you’re fearless about approaching women and getting their phone
numbers is because you’ve mastered the principles of “The System.” I’m proud of you. Most
guys don’t have this ability. It’s amazing to me that every man out there doesn’t jump at the
chance to become a devotee of my techniques and a master of my philosophy. They’d rather
suffer, which is too bad for them. And like the great Doctor Freud once said, “There is no
suffering like that which comes from not knowing what you’re doing with women.” It’s like
being blind and not knowing you’re blind.

So as soon as either Leila or Layla disappears for a minute, you have to jump into action and
get a phone number. And you have to stay mindful of the possibilities here. Maybe one of the
girls has a boyfriend. Maybe both of them have boyfriends. Maybe only one of them is truly
interested in you, and maybe the other isn’t. But you double your chances by going after both.
Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “This is a numbers game.”

Remember, guys: Never feel apologetic about going after two women who happen to know
each other.

Should I Wait For Her?

Hey Doc,

I have a dilemma here, and I’d like your coaching.

First off, I’m 29 and Bristol is 32. We dated for six weeks, and I fell in love with her. Three
weeks ago, she freaked out and sent me a bunch of texts saying that she didn’t want to date
anymore and asking me to respect her decision. This was very confusing because we have
great chemistry, romance, conversations with lots of laughter and much in common in terms
of values and character. Her reason for ending the romance was that she was having some
serious post-traumatic stress from an assault by a man.

My response was to remain calm. I didn’t bombard Bristol with questions or texts the next
few days. I did, however, start to feel resentful of her because I felt that she led me on. She
showed all the signs of attraction: nervous around me, full attention and responsiveness, great
touching and contact, and strong body language. I let her know I was upset and also that I
thought she was making a mistake. We talked several times and she was rather emotional,
and I could tell she didn’t want to talk about the relationship.
I tried hard to be Bristol’s friend for the past few weeks, but I can’t. Every time I see her I just
want to touch her and kiss her and be close. A few days ago I told her I needed to put some
space between us because I haven’t been myself at work and I need to move on. She sent me a
long email that cleared some things up but confused me more on other issues. She described
her post-traumatic stress in detail, said she thought about me all day long, and with every song
she listened to, etc. All this was music to my ears, of course, because I feel the same way.
However, she said she didn’t want to hurt me and said I had to do what was best for me. I
am confused again by what she actually means here. A few of my friends say they think she
may well want me to wait for her but couldn’t come right out and say it.

I’ve decided to not contact Bristol for a week or two, then tell her that I will wait for her (I
haven’t met someone I click with like this in a long, long time), but that I need to know if she
even wants me to. Is this the right thing to do? If Bristol didn’t feel strongly for me, why
would she send me a long email after I voluntarily moved on?

Kris - who hopes she’ll take him back

Doc Love's Response

Hi Kris,

You may have fallen head over heels for Bristol, but the really important question is whether
she's in love with you. Why are you telling me about your Interest Level in her? Bristol’s
Interest Level is the only thing that counts.

And why are you saying “we” have great chemistry? What you mean is that you have great
chemistry with Bristol. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If the two
of you had great chemistry together, she wouldn’t be breaking up with you.”

How do you know that Bristol has great values and character, in just six measly weeks? I
doubt it, pal. Why are you feeling resentful towards Bristol? She wasn’t the one who led you
on. You led yourself on by getting in too deep with her too soon. She might have shown all
the signs of being attracted to you after six weeks, but she sure isn’t showing them now. Six
dates and all that lovey-dovey stuff stopped. When she’s nervous around you and hanging all
over you for six months, then you’ve got something.

When you told Bristol that you thought she was making a mistake by dumping you, you were
begging her to take you back. Where’s your pride and dignity, Kris?

You’re unable to be Bristol’s friend because she doesn’t want you to. Worse, she doesn’t
want you to be her boyfriend. What this means is that you’re out. Don’t you get it? You might
want to touch Bristol and be close, but she doesn’t feel that way about you. But you insist that
you’re the one who needs space. In other words, you’re getting rid of someone who already
got rid of you. Gosh, dude, you’re really sharp! I see you memorized my materials!

Let me explain something to you, my friend. Bristol doesn’t want you to wait for her. Like
my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “She’s telling you she never wants to see you again.”
But since your Interest Level is in the stars, you don’t see it. You might not want to contact
her for a week or two, but the truth is that you should never contact her again.
Guy, you might think you clicked with Bristol like you never did with another woman, but
the reality is that she didn’t click with you, and that’s all that matters. To you psych majors, if
she really clicked with you, she’d be with you.

Is waiting for Bristol the right thing to do? No. She sent you that long email because she
wants to assuage her guilty conscience, that’s all. But who cares why she sent it? It doesn’t
matter. The point is this: Once a girl doesn't want to be with you, you have to move on.

Remember, guys: Never try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you.

Moving Fast

Hey Doc,

I wish I had "The System," a couple weeks ago. I landed myself a “10” on my own and
don’t want to screw it up. After reading a few of your columns while waiting for your book to
arrive, I think I might be screwing up already.

I met an old pal from college who told me that I should meet his friend Shana. I called her a
couple days later, told her I was busy for a couple of weeks but would call again to set
something up. I waited about 10 days, called her and we arranged a blind date. We went to a
bar, had some drinks, danced and chatted for a few hours. She made me a bet, and both
outcomes involved my kissing her. I did, and it was a really good kiss. In fact, we looked like
most tools do at bars, making out in the corner for an hour.

At the end of the night I said I had a good time. She said she did too and that she wanted to
do it again the next day. My first mistake (I think) was that I said yes to it. We had lunch the
next day. Afterward, she asked me to continue the date by going with another couple to a
museum event. I agreed (second mistake, I think). We walked around, she held my hand,
kissed me and asked to take a “couples/mugshot” photo with me. Then she asked me to go
with her to a friend’s birthday party. At this point I said no. Around midnight she texted me
and asked if I was still up because she wanted to stop by. I said OK, we spent a few hours
kissing, and then she went home. On her way out she told me to call her. I called her two days
later and set up a dinner date. At the restaurant she was smiling, laughing and dropping hints
about the future. I walked her to her car, gave her a quick kiss (she wanted more) and walked
away.

About 30 minutes after the date Shana texted me, said thanks and that she wanted to make me
dinner at her place. We set up a date for a week later. The next day she sent me a text saying
she was going out the next night with some friends and asked me to attend. I responded that I
was busy for most of the night but could meet her later. Within one week we will have been
together four times and spent about 30 hours together.

Doc, have I killed Challenge already? Is it too late to save this one? What’s the next move?

Quinne - who’s afraid he’s moving too fast

Hi Quinne,
You tell me you should have had my book a couple of weeks ago. But what you really should
be saying is that you should have had it six or eight months ago. When you meet a “10” and
then you get my book, you’re not going to be able to ingest all of my techniques and
principles in only a couple of hours. Then it’s already too late to handle your “10”
successfully. You have to read my book over and over and over again, and then meet the
“10.” You’ll stand a better chance of not blowing it because then you’ll know what the heck
you’re doing.

And if you’d memorized my book, you would have known you shouldn’t have kissed Shana
when she laid those bets on you. If you had controlled yourself, that would have been using
challenge. Every other guy would have kissed Shana, but you should have told her, “No,
since it’s only our first date, we’re going too fast,” and then given her a big grin like Jim
Carrey would. And you shouldn’t have been making out for an hour with this babe either.
Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You’re giving away the store, paisan."

But you went charging in anyway and agreed to lunch the very next day. Why in the world
are you rushing this, Quinne? What’s the big hurry? Don’t get me wrong — I’m glad you met
somebody you’re attracted to and that she likes you too and everything is perfect. But keep in
mind that it’s only been perfect for one or two dates. To you psych majors, until you get to 10
or 12 dates with a girl, you can’t count anything. But like most men, you’re charging in. I
want you to have all these fun times with Shana, but I don’t want you having them all in the
first four days. I want the girl to walk away from you and think and ponder and wonder what
you’re doing between those first dates. What most guys don’t realize is that when you’re out
of sight and you don’t contact her and send her emails and tweet her all the time, you become
a Challenge. And being a Challenge raises Interest Level. This is what no other love doctor
but me understands.

Going to the museum with other people is a group date, pal. We don’t do group dates. You
should have told Shana you were sorry but that you had other plans. You should have put the
brakes on this thing before it got out of control, which you didn’t do. I’m glad Shana’s
coming at you hard, but you have to use the “N” word, and, dude, you don’t know how to
use it. Shana’s friend’s birthday party was another group date, which you don’t know,
because you don’t have my book yet. When she asked to stop by your place, you should have
said no again.

Guy, you should only be seeing this girl every other time she asks you out. Four times and 30
hours in such a short time are way too much too soon. No, you haven’t killed Challenge,
Quinne. Like my cousin General Love says, “You’ve absolutely massacredit.” You’re not a
mystery at all. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You’re nothing but an open book.

Is it too late to save this thing? It depends on Shana’s Interest Level. But here’s the problem
— she’s a “10,” which means she gets hit on all the time. So when you see her too much,
what happens is that you wear out your welcome and somebody else starts to look good to
her. So far Shana hasn’t shown you any red flags, so you’re lucky, but just back off and try
to see her only once a week until she asks you to be her boyfriend.

Remember, guys: I want you to give away the store, but I want you to do it a lot later.
How To Work A Long-Distance Relationship

Hey Doc,

I’m a long-time reader of “The System” and your columns, and I follow them like the Bible.
In general, I am most challenged by self-control (or lack of it), but everything else has been
working out perfectly by following your techniques.

I am in a long-distance relationship with Sarah. I know you say they don’t work, but I want to
give it my best shot and hope you can coach me on how to do it. Sarah and I are both 22. We
see each other every two to four months while she is in school (she says she will follow me
wherever I go after she graduates).

Her interest in me was through the roof when she came to visit me over Christmas. I could tell
this by her actions since she devoted all her time to me and was super flexible and giving. She
is the perfect girl according to your book, no red flags at all and a great personality, not to
mention that she is very cute. I am willing to make this long-distance thing work because I do
not believe it will be easy to find a girl as good as her again.

Lately, I’ve not been reading “The System” as much as I should be. I’ve been getting
sidetracked by listening to advice from girls who advise me to text and talk to Sarah more
often, and I’ve been doing so. I know this is wrong, as you have mentioned many times that I
shouldn’t be talking to other people about my relationship and that I have to be a Challenge. I
am writing to you so that you can slap me in the face and point me back in the right direction.
I know your book says not to get into a long-distance relationship, but since I’m trying to give
it a good shot, I’m wondering if you have any suggestions for me.

Sarah texts me or calls me at least twice a day, but there’s a 13-hour time difference, so
sometimes it’s difficult. She tells me that she will not lose interest if I talk to her even more
than I do now and I’ve listened to her, but over the past few weeks I feel like she’s lost a tiny
bit of interest. What should I do?

Ray - who wants to keep her

Hi Ray,

Most guys are faced with the challenge of practicing self-control. When they want to say or
do something that will hurt their cause, they have to learn to control themselves. And most
guys can’t do it.

I’m going to help you in your quest to keep Sarah, even though you two are a 13-hour time
difference apart and even though you’re breaking one of my premier rules. Like my cousin
Sal “The Fish” Love says, “It will be like trying to run a marathon while wearing a backpack
stuffed with 25 pounds of rocks.”

But long distance is not your only problem. Remember that Sarah is only 22 years old. To
you psych majors, girls between 18 and 22 fall in and out of love in five minutes. Throw in
the fact that she’s on the other side of the world and the odds against you just went up a few
more points.
Sarah might say that she’ll follow you wherever you go when she graduates from school, but
there are all kinds of guys hitting on her right now. When you don’t see a girl for between two
and four months, you have to expect her to go out with her girlfriends. And those girlfriends
are going to have boyfriends. And the boyfriends have buddies. And those buddies are going
to go after your girl.

If Sarah was 25 or 26 years young it might be different. But when you see her so infrequently
— only three or four times a year — the likelihood that she will succumb to some type of
temptation when she’s so far away from you is very high. The point is that it’s going to be
tough to hold this girl. You can’t do battle for her from such a great distance. Like my cousin
Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “It’s like being in a boxing match with one hand tied
behind your back.” And like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “You fight with
only one hand, and you’re gonna get knocked out, bro.”

You might think Sarah is the only great girl in the universe, but your reasoning is off. You
will find someone who is as good as Sarah again, and, more importantly, she will live closer
to you.

Ray, if you know that you are flouting my rules by texting Sarah and listening to the advice
of other girls, why are you doing it? But you say that you want a slap in the face. OK, here it
is: Read seven pages of my book every single night and hustle other women.

But if you want to continue on this course, what you have to do with Sarah is set up regular
times to talk to her, say three times a week. It’s the only way you can attempt to deal with the
difficulties of a 13-hour time difference. As far as texting goes, I’m against it altogether.
What Sarah is telling you is that you’re not talking to her enough. In other words, she’s
verifying the problem with long-distance relationships. To boot, you have this inconvenient
time difference. So you have to set up a regular phone schedule if you’re going to try to make
this situation work. The problem is that it will kill Challenge. But since you’re trying to force
a long-distance relationship, you’re going to have to break rules, which will end up hurting
your cause. And that’s exactly the problem with long-distance relationships: They don't work.

If you feel that Sarah has lost a tiny bit of interest in you recently, that means she’s lost lots of
interest. Her Interest Level may have dropped from 95% to 82%, for instance, which means
you’re down 13 points. And that means you’re on your way out.

What should you do? Hustle other women. Don’t wait until Sarah burns you.

Remember, guys: If you know that you’re doing wrong, why do you keep doing it?

How To Get A Girl To Like You

Hey Doc,

I’m attracted to Shannon, one of my sister’s friends. I’m not sure if she could fall for me since
I’m 21 and she’s 24, so there’s an age gap. She quit school and works. I’m a junior in college
studying electrical engineering and have no money. Once I graduate, I’ll have a good job and
make a good income, but in the meantime I worry that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with
Shannon financially since I’m not working.
The other night I went to dinner for my sister’s birthday because I knew Shannon would be
there and I desperately wanted to make a move on her. When the night ended, I had made
zero moves. What I did was set something up with her and my sister to go to a bar. Shannon
also told me that one of her exes vomited on her mattress when he was drunk, so I offered to
give her a mattress that I have locked in storage. So I did try to set up things for us to be
together, but when we talk, I feel mostly zero interest from her. At other times I feel
something, but I’m not sure if I’m feeling my own feelings or hers.

Is she interested?
I spoke with my sister on the drive home from the dinner and very casually we got into the
topic of my dating one of her friends. She didn’t like the idea at all. She told me that if one of
her friends liked me she wouldn’t even tell me because I’m her little brother. I hate being her
little brother and I don’t want to be seen as such.

Shannon has almost made me completely forget about my ex. I’ve had so much fun on the
days when I’ve been with her. What can I do to get her to want me as much as I want her? If
she likes me, what can I do to make that feeling grow? Finally, what should I do about my
sister?

Jimi - who is desperate for coaching

Doc Love's Response

Hi Jimi,

The age difference you mention between yourself and Shannon is indeed a major problem. A
24-year-old woman does not want to go out with a guy who’s 21. Shannon is looking for
guys her own age up to 30, 32. Throw in the fact that she’s out working a real job and you’re
just a student, and that you’re her friend's kid brother, and it’s easy to see that you’re up
against some stiff odds here because Shannon is not thinking about you romantically.
Alternatively, if Shannon were really attracted to you, and you made her laugh a lot, the
three-year age difference would disappear. But like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East
L.A. says, “This is a real, real tough position to be in.”

Jimi, you don’t have to worry about keeping up with Shannon financially. If she were really
interested in you, going on inexpensive dates together wouldn’t be an obstacle at all. There
are lots of free things to do in your town, wherever you live. In fact, going on cheap dates
would be a very good test to see whether or not Shannon really likes you. So don’t pressure
yourself about the state of your finances.

You made zero moves on Shannon at your sister’s birthday party because your hands were
virtually tied. With your sister there, how could you make a move on Shannon? You couldn’t
very well put your arm around her and start cozying up to her in that setting. Technically you
should have asked for Shannon’s phone number. Then, when she turned you down, you would
have known that you were out forever, but the problem with that scenario is that she might
have mentioned it to your sister, which would have been embarrassing, humiliating and ticked
your sister off. Those were your only options, and they left a lot to be desired. Like I said
earlier, this situation is very sticky.
Now it’s not 100% true that you didn’t make a move on Shannon. You set something up with
her and your sister to go to a bar, which was a good, subtle move, guy. You didn’t come
straight out and ask for her number, but like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You tried
to work with what you had.” So I’ll give you credit for that, even though the bar get-together
is technically a group date, which is a no-no according to “The System.” But since you’re
coming from a really bad power position — actually, you have no power in this situation at
all
— you did what you could.

How To Get Her To Like You

Strictly speaking, the mattress you’ve giving to Shannon is a gift, another no-no according to
my rules. However, in this case, because you’re coming at her as Shannon’s friend’s brother,
it’s OK to donate it to her. It’s not like you’re giving her jewelry or flowers.

Here’s what you have to do in order to stand even a ghost of a chance with Shannon. You
have to dress sharply every time she sees you. You have to make her laugh. You have to
make yourself look like a guy she could really want.

The biggest mistake of your life was bringing up with your sister, even casually, the topic of
dating one of her friends. Anything you tell your sister is going to go straight back to
Shannon. Another reason you shouldn’t have brought it up is because your sister absolutely
detests the idea. Your sister is wrong for not telling you that one of her friends might be
interested in you, but she’s just protecting her turf. You might loathe being your sister’s little
brother, but that’s the way she sees you. If Shannon views you the same way, you don’t have
a sliver of a chance with her.

What can you do to get Shannon to want you? You don’t have many options but to put on
your best personality. How can you get the feeling to grow? Humor. As far as your sister
goes, you’ve already opened Pandora’s Box with her, but don't tell her anything else.

Remember, guys: If you don’t want to be perceived as your sister’s little brother, act like your
own man.

Flirting While In A Relationship

Hey Doc,

I am 30 years old and my ex, Morgan, is 28. After dating for almost three years, we recently
split. We had marriage plans and the whole nine yards.

A year into the relationship I found out my mom had terminal cancer and had six months to
live. I had to move in with my parents and quit my job to help take care of her. Morgan was
supportive but worked long hours and could not always be there. Still, everything had been
going great until I took Morgan to my friend’s birthday party and caught her flirting with a
guy I didn’t know. I immediately escorted her to the car and told her it was over, but she
screamed and begged, and I took her back. Now, I have flirted with countless girls while with
Morgan and felt I couldn’t bring the ax down on her and end the relationship over one
instance. But I also concluded that if she would do that in front of me, then God knows what
she’s been doing behind my back.
Nevertheless, being out of work and dealing with my mom’s illness left me very insecure,
and I started yelling at Morgan for looking at other guys and being very jealous in general.
Finally, I told her that I needed space and maybe she should see someone else. As soon as I
said it, I regretted it. I sent her five emails stating that I made a mistake and was so stressed
out over my mom and my unemployment that I pushed her away. She finally responded after
two weeks and said we could be awesome friends and that she needed to figure out how to be
“her” again and did not want to be pushed toward a reconciliation. I told her I was fine with
that decision and did not contact her for three weeks. I finally broke down and called her
several times but got no response.

How can I get Morgan back? Do you think she is worth getting back? What would you do in
this situation?

Desmond - who is frantic

Hi Desmond,

Let me clear something up for you straight out of the gate. You and Morgan didn’t “split.”
She dropped you. Big difference. And let me add that it was great that you sacrificed so much
to take care of your terminally ill mother. That is what you’re supposed to do.

The reason that Morgan flirted with a strange guy was because you weren’t paying enough
attention to her and weren't using "The System." So when you ran into a crisis like the one
with your mother and your job, you didn’t have the power of my book behind you. In fact,
you had little in the way of resources to help you through such a stressful time. If you’d had
my techniques and principles to fall back on, you wouldn’t need to write to me.

Instead you flipped and decided to dump Morgan, and she screamed and yelled. The reason a
woman yells and begs is not because the relationship is over; it’s because you’re the one
dropping her. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Women are supposed to
dump you and not the other way around.” So that’s why she was making a scene. But it
doesn’t matter because you’re still out.

While with Morgan, you’ve flirted with countless women. Like my cousin Brother Love
down in Watts says, “Two wrongs don’t make a right, bro.” Dude, why are you flirting with
all kinds of women? To you psych majors, when you flirt with other women, you lower your
girlfriend’s Interest Level. And that’s what you did here.

Let me ask you something: Are you proud of coming on to “countless” women? Were you
proud of embarrassing Morgan? When you do something like that again and again, her
Interest Level will drop from 90% to 85% to 80%, etc. You get the idea. Her Interest Level
will travel further and further south, and eventually you’re out. It’s true that Morgan might
have been doing more than just flirting behind your back, but that’s because of her low
Interest Level and the fact that you brought it on yourself by lowering her Interest Level.
Because only the man can lower the woman’s Interest Level. You might holler at Morgan
and flaunt your jealousy in general, but don’t forget that you’re the one who flirted with
countless girls right in her face. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “What a hypocrite!”
You told Morgan that you needed some space and that she should see someone else? Wow,
what a great move, guy! Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Remind me not to call
you when I’m having trouble with my lady.”

While it’s true that you were stressed out over your job and your mother, it’s also true that
you were flirting with countless women before these terrible things happened. What went
down with your mom was just a coincidence of timing — it wasn’t the reason behind your
troubles with Morgan.

When Morgan said that she didn’t want to be pushed toward a reconciliation with you, it
meant that the odds of you getting her back are one in a billion. But you kept calling her.
Desmond, if a woman doesn’t call you for three weeks, you’re out forever, don’t you get it?
Why are you begging, pal? None of this needy stuff is going to work. Like my cousin General
Love says, “You did too much damage, soldier.”

You can’t get Morgan back because her Interest Level is below 50%. Is she worth getting
back? Well, why would you want to be with a woman who has low Interest Level in you?

What would I do? I’d buy my book and memorize it.

Remember, guys: If you turn her off, you have to take responsibility for your actions.

A Christian Girlfriend

Hey Doc,

I’ve been dating Shannon for a little over a year. We’ve grown incredibly close to each other,
saw a future together and were completely committed to each other. She told me that she
didn’t think any other guy was attractive besides me and constantly told me that she wanted to
be with me forever.

Over the summer, Shannon decided to work at a Christian camp. She ended up liking it so
much that she stayed the whole season. I always had doubts about this situation, and I knew
the long distance alone could kill our relationship, but on top of this she found God and
wanted to surround her life with all things religious. I knew something was going on when
she started to ignore me and not call me. When she came home, she said she didn’t know
what she wanted, but that she feels she needs to be with someone who brings her closer to
God.
Then she said that she loves me and wants to marry me, and that it’s impossible for her to
break up with someone she’s in love with. She also told me she’s not attracted to me in the
same way that she used to be.

We both know that I’m not a religious person. I have tried to reason with Shannon that
religion cannot be the complete focus of her life and that she needs balance. We continually
talk about breaking up and have blowouts we never had before. She keeps changing her mind
about what she wants and whether or not her future has me in it. It’s making me act crazy
around her, and I know it’s murdering her Interest Level in me. I have a strong feeling that
she’s going to break up with me, but I don’t want to lose this girl. I feel like our relationship
has to end and that there’s no going back to what we had before. Where do you think I should
go from here?
Whitey - who is a non-believer

Hi Whitey,

When a woman tells you that you are the only attractive man on the face of the planet, she’s
telling you that her Interest Level is way up in the 90s. That means that you’ve gotten her to
fall for you — hard. The challenge now is for you to keep her interested. And that’s the really
tough part. Holding a woman’s Interest Level is what most men don’t have the ability to do.

But when a woman tells you that she needs to surround herself with all things religious —
and you’re not religious — right there she’s telling you that you’re out. And when she adds
that she’s not attracted to you, no matter what way, you are history. Shannon’s Interest Level
in you has obviously taken a major nosedive, but I don’t believe it’s because she happened to
get religion. I believe you did something to make her interest go south. In other words, it’s
nothing more than a coincidence that she happened to become religious around the same time
that she was losing interest in you.

And one more thing. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Women make stuff up about
why they no longer want you around.” It’s called Womanese. In other words, Shannon is not
going to come right out and say that she doesn’t want to be around you anymore because you
turn her off. Becoming religious might just be a very convenient excuse for her to get the
point across to you. It’s easier for her to say, “I’ve seen the light” than to say I really don’t
want to see you anymore for as long as I live.

That said, you shouldn’t have argued with Shannon when she told you that she found God.
You should have told her that you were glad for her that she had discovered something so
positive in her life. If you just went along with her, you could have observed her to see what
was really going on. Instead you fought her on it, which is only going to create more
resistance on her part. I can see that you haven’t read my materials, Whitey.

The reason you are having major blowouts with Shannon is due to one reason and one reason
alone: her low Interest Level in you. Religion has absolutely nothing to do with your fights,
guy. When a woman has high Interest Level in you, she’s not going to want to do battle with
you over anything!

If Shannon can’t make up her mind whether or not her future includes you, it means she’s
gone wishy-washy. To you psych majors, when a woman turns wishy-washy on you, it
means you’re on your way out. Acting crazy around her is not making her Interest Level
drop; it’s already in the toilet.

But you had more than just Shannon’s religious conversion as a problem here, dude. As you
pointed out, you had a long-distance relationship with her, which is always a problem. I know
that you weren’t being a Challenge to Shannon, which adds up to another huge problem.

Where do I think you should go from here? That’s easy. Find a new girl.

Remember, guys: The easy part is getting her to fall in love with you; the hard part is keeping
her in love with you.
She Has A Boyfriend
Dear Doc,

I’ve been an ardent reader of your articles, and they have been extremely helpful. I’m in a
situation that I feel requires your direct attention. I moved back to India, my home country,
early this year, after graduating from college in the USA. Two months ago, I met an
American girl, Cheri, at a cafe close to my home, and she was by herself and looked lonely,
so I decided to make the most of the opportunity. I got her number, and we hung out the next
day. She’s in India on a fellowship and will be here for an additional seven months. We got
along excellently and could relate to each other on many levels.

As we grew closer, Cheri told me she was involved with a guy for 10 months back in the
States before she left for India, but she did not want to continue it while she was in a different
country. She said that they were no longer together, but they were still close friends, and I was
fine with that. She also mentioned that the guy back home expected them to get back together
once she was back in the States. I think that was pretty reasonable, too. Cheri and I are not in
a relationship, as neither of us thinks this has a future because she is likely to be back with her
long-term boyfriend once she leaves India.

Recently Cheri told me that she didn’t actually end things with her boyfriend completely
when she left for India. She said that she didn’t expect to meet someone in India who she
would be comfortable and happy with, and she also told me that she was scared of getting
too close to me, as she will eventually have to leave. So she has been holding herself back.
I’m confused as to what I should expect from her. Should we have a good time while she is
in India, and completely forget about it later? Or should we keep our distance, as there is the
possibility of getting too attached? Could you suggest some third alternative that could work
to the benefit of both of us?

Ujjwal - who doesn’t want to get hurt

Hi Ujjwal,

You can't ignore the huge red flag in front of you: Cheri is going back to America. Are you
going to follow her? Or is Cheri going to fall in love with you and stay in India and be your
wife for the rest of her life? When you ponder these questions, it doesn’t take much to see
that your odds with this babe are really bad.

When Cheri told you that she did not want to continue her relationship with her American
boyfriend when she was abroad, wasn’t she telling you indirectly that she’s going back to
him? Notice that she didn’t say that she dumped her boyfriend, Ujjwal. She never said that
she was turned off to this guy back home. In other words, she’s telling you in no uncertain
terms, and without coming right out and saying it, that the door to this guy back in the States
is still very much open, whereas it might — if you’re not paying really close attention —
sound like it’s closed. There’s a very subtle and dangerous distinction here, and it’s
something most guys would miss.

When you say that you’re fine with Cheri still being close friends with her boyfriend back
home, it tells me loud and clear that you don’t have my materials. If you had "The System,"
no way you would be fine with it. When Cheri mentioned that the guy back home expected to
get together with her again when she got back, did she say that he didn’t have a chance
because she digs you now and she doesn’t care for him anymore? No, she did not. And you
think that was pretty reasonable? Like my cousin General Love says, “You’re missing the
boat here, soldier.”

But you and Cheri are sitting around and wondering whether or not to continue whatever it is
you’re doing with each other. One minute she’s sort of with the other guy; the next minute
she’s not. But it doesn’t matter, because this thing is dead in the water due to the fact that you
will soon live in different places.

So now Cheri says that she didn’t actually end things with the guy back home when she left
for India. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Oh, so she wanted to leave the gate open for the
horse to come back in, huh?”

Let me explain something to you, guy. When Cheri says that she’s scared of getting too close
to you, that really means that she just has low interest level in you. So why would you want
to have a good time in India with her? It’s a bad idea because you’re wasting your time with
someone in a situation that isn’t going to go anywhere. You could be spending your time
looking for someone with real potential instead of spinning your wheels with this girl. You’re
only going to end up hurting yourself by falling for Cheri, which you’re doing already. And
let me also point out that you’re the one who’s getting too attached, not her.

You want an alternative to your dilemmas with Cheri? Here’s what I would suggest. Take her
out and say to her, “Since this thing isn’t going anywhere, is it OK with you if I hustle other
women?”

Remember, guys: Another man, plus the possibility of long distance, is a huge red flag.

Does She Love Me?

Hey Doc,

I feel like I’m about to go insane.

I met Jennifer three years ago, and she fell crazily in love with me. She ditched her friends to
be with me. Her Interest Level was well above 90%. She would dress to impress me and
would travel a long distance to pick me up for dates. She was all about marriage and was
gaga about our relationship. Except for little fights once in a while, we continued to have a
wonderful and exciting relationship.

Then Jennifer got a job and moved to another city. There she became part of an all-boys
group and would hang out with them all the time. These guys pampered Jennifer, running
errands for her and the like. A few of them fell for her, but she told them that she had a
boyfriend. However, Jennifer found herself feeling affectionate toward one of the guys.
When she told him that she couldn’t get involved with him because of me, he went crazy, got
drunk and freaked out. This seems to have totally changed Jennifer. Even though she says she
loves me and wants to be with me, the romance in our relationship seems to have gone
missing.
She’s no longer eager to talk to me. When I confronted her over this, she said that she broke
our trust by flirting with this other guy, and in addition feels guilty for ruining his life.

A month ago Jennifer got re-posted to the city where I live. I hoped that getting back together
would help our relationship. While we talk and date at least once a week, the chemistry we
once shared is missing. What has me confused is that when I tell her I want to break up,
Jennifer says she loves me and wants to be with me. When I try to be supportive, she is absent
and disinterested.

I am so confused, Doc. Does this girl love me? I love her and want this relationship to work.
Please coach me!

Timofey - whose head is spinning

Hi Timofey,

You say you are about to go insane. When you are not in control of what’s happening, it
means that you are not following "The System." My friend, your first order of business
should be to get my book and memorize it ASAP so you don’t go insane. It’s clear that you
do not have the proper training when it comes to women, and the sooner you obtain it, the
sooner you’ll restore your sanity.

When you say that Jennifer traveled long distances to pick you up for dates, it tells me that
you had a long-distance relationship, which is a no-no. So this was your first big problem.
Then you report that you had all these “little fights.” Women don’t like little fights. They
don’t like fighting at all, because fighting is a turnoff. Fighting lowers Interest level. How
often were you having these so-called little fights? Couldn’t you sit down and calmly work
things out with Jennifer? Apparently not. But you wouldn’t know about how fighting erodes
Interest Level because you don’t have my book.

Let me explain something to you, guy. When Jennifer got a new job and moved to another
city, right there you were dead. It was all over from that point on. When a woman moves
away from you, you’re out forever. That’s it. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says,
“When she puts lots of miles between the two of you, it means she doesn’t want to be with
you.” Conversely, when she’s in love with you, she can’t move.

All this stuff about the men’s club she had going in her new city was her version of the story,
remember. What’s the real story? The other guy who got drunk and freaked out because
Jennifer wouldn’t date him didn’t change her at all, Timofey. That was just a coincidence.
When she moved away from you, her Interest Level was already below 50%, and that was the
real problem. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “She was fooling around
with all these other boys because she was looking for someone new.” You didn’t hold her
Interest Level, dude. At one point Jennifer’s interest was up in the 90s, but when she moved
away from you it was below 50%, otherwise she wouldn’t have pulled up stakes. And you
have to remember that when the other guy got drunk and freaked out, she was not only flirting
with him, but she was misleading him as well.

Your romance with Jennifer has gone missing, but her Interest Level hasn’t reached 39% yet,
which is when she will actually get rid of you. Now, let me get this straight. You are
Jennifer’s boyfriend, but she feels guilty for ruining some other guy’s life. Wow, what a set of
values that girl has!

Now Jennifer is in your city again, but the truth is that there’s nothing to get back to, so you
can’t revive your romance with her. Basically this babe has moved away from you, and she’s
dating a drunk. She’s saying that she loves you and wants to be with you, but it’s just
Womanese for “I’m not quite ready to drop you yet.” When you say she’s absent and
disinterested, that’s indicative of her true Interest Level — on the south side of 50%.

Timofey, I hate to tell you this, but Jennifer doesn’t love you. And the relationship can’t work
because she already moved away from you.

Remember, guys: When she moves, you’re out.

Texting On A Date
Hey Doc,

First of all, thanks for sharing such amazing information through your book. It’s really helped
me read women much better. I’m still reading it over and over as I haven’t mastered it, but it
makes more sense every day as I apply it to my life.

I’ve been dating Ainsley for over two months now. I’m 30, and she’s 24 and stunning. I
applied the rules of your book to the relationship: I didn’t see her more than once a week and
no phone calls. It went pretty well. Ainsley would initiate contact most of the time, and even
asked me out on dates. While on our dates, she complimented me and mentioned how she
enjoyed spending time with me and discussed doing things together in the future. However,
it’s a little hard to believe that she wasn’t seeing other people on account of her beauty, but
since I never saw any proof, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Days when she couldn’t make
our dates she would always counter-offer.

Anyway, last week Ainsley kept checking her phone on our date, and then mentioned this
guy, Rick, who likes her and who was texting her. He apparently knew about me and asked
about me in one of the texts, which she mentioned to me. I took it as a huge red flag based on
what I’ve read in your book. She also said that Rick has a girlfriend, but the fact that he was
texting her on a Friday night and the fact that she responded to his texts made me feel that
something was wrong. I have always tried hard to keep my Interest Level below 90%, and
hence always avoided telling her that I liked her. I didn’t react to this text from Rick, but only
because I couldn’t come up with anything humorous to say as I was caught a bit off guard.

After that night neither of us has texted or called each other, and there has been an awkward
silence. Do you think I should back off Ainsley or should I call her and ask her out on
another date and see what she has to say about what’s going on? I can feel her Interest Level
dropping, and in my mind the right thing to do at this point is back off. Doc, how do I tackle
this situation?

Scott - who is just about to lose control

Hi Scott,
One of the best things about "The System," is the fact that you’re able to read women much
better as a result. For that alone it’s invaluable. But as you point out, it can also be applied to
all aspects of life. In that sense, it’s indispensable.

My friend, you shouldn’t have given Ainsley the benefit of the doubt. You had absolutely no
solid evidence to go on for giving her the benefit of the doubt. Did she ask you to be her
boyfriend? No. You left that part out. You went out with her for over two months and she
never asked if you were seeing other women. So Ainsley is not your girlfriend. Like my
cousin Rabbi Love says, “Hopefully you’re dating other women, my son.”

And why is Ainsley talking about you to some other guy? Gosh, she has a big mouth! Here’s
something else. It’s the rudest thing in the world for Ainsley to be using that cell phone in any
way when she’s out on a date with you. But like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “When
you’re a hot chick, you get away with anything.” The way she treated you was awful, Scott,
and you let her get away with it. Yes, it was a huge red flag, and you should have taken it as
such.

Of course something was wrong with her behavior. But this other guy isn’t the problem here.
The girl you’ve been dating for over two months is not loyal to you — that’s the problem.
Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Thank God she’s not your girlfriend!”

You’d better not ask this girl out anymore, buddy. The reason there’s been an awkward
silence between you two is because Ainsley digs Rick! You gave this babe way too much
credit, dude. My book instructs you not to overrate the woman’s Interest Level. And you did
it with Ainsley for no reason at all. Complicating the issue is that she’s a killer in the looks
department. Guys are going to be after a beautiful woman all day and all night long —
including when you’re out on a date with her.

Scott, the simple truth is that you didn’t nail anything down with this girl. You never got her
Interest Level into the 90s. If you did, it went back down, and the proof is that she’s messing
around with another guy. But, again, he isn’t the problem. You’re the problem because you
haven’t completely memorized my book.

There’s no point at all in trying to find out from Ainsley what’s going on — because you
already know what’s going on. She’s not calling you like she used to all the time. She’s not
setting up dates like she used to. She’s talking about another guy like she never did before,
and she’s texting him while she’s on a date with you. Don’t you get the drift here?

You can’t back off from Ainsley because she’s already backed off from you. There’s only one
thing you can do now: don’t ask her out again.

Remember, guys: If she texts another guy while she’s on a date with you, you’re out.

Waiting For A Date

Hey Doc,

First, let me say that “The System” is great because you have perfected it to take into
consideration various possible situations.
But something perplexes me, and that is why I am writing today. You state that a guy should
go for the phone number immediately. Now, the benefit of this is that you display Mystery
and Challenge and Confidence, and you rely on basic physical attraction. I know also from
experience that when women are in a group and they notice your intentions, one or more will
be jealous and try to block your advances on a certain girl, so it helps to get the phone number
as quickly as possible. Other possible problems are also avoided by going for the phone
number immediately.

But as another love doctor (who I won’t name) stated: “But you had her at the bar right then
and there. You could have used that opportunity to seduce her right then and there. You were
on a 'date' with her right then and there. So getting a number so that you can meet up with her
later and walking away from the interaction in the moment is totally counterproductive and
nonsensical.”

Doc, many times I’ve been in this position with a woman, especially at a bar or a party. Why
shouldn’t you go in for a kiss when you meet a woman, wherever that may be, instead of
waiting for a date later? If a babe is all over you, what’s the point in waiting several days for
a date that you have to set up? If you have a woman interested in you right on the spot,
doesn’t it make sense to capitalize on it? Shouldn’t you rely more on your personality skills
when you meet a woman instead of relying on physical attraction?

It seems to me that this other love doctor — no disrespect meant to you — has a very good
point here. I’ll be interested to hear what you have to say about it.

Albert - who doesn’t see the point of waiting for a formal date

Hi Albert,

First, let me straighten out your thinking. You don’t get a woman interested in you in the
beginning from physical attraction alone. When you meet her, it’s true that you have to pass
the Physical Attraction Test first, but then you sell her on your personality when she sees
what a great personality you have. And that combination is what leads her to give you her
phone number.

Whether a woman’s friends try to block you or not is not the issue here. And besides, if a
woman is interested in you, she will not give a hoot what anybody else, including her
girlfriends, say about you. Because as I explain in my book, Interest Level cuts everything.

Of course, it’s true that getting the phone number averts all kinds of problems. What else can
you do but get a woman’s phone number? When are you going to run into her again? What if
you don’t? How are you going to get hold of a woman if you don’t have her digits? If you’re
in a New York City bar and you talk to her for 15 minutes, you’re never going to see her
again if you don’t get that phone number. So, yes, getting the phone number is imperative.

Now let me straighten you out on something else. Not moving on a woman as soon as you
meet her is not counterproductive, contrary to what this other love doctor says. This is
because your other love doctor is leaving out the all-important concept of Challenge. Guy,
I’ve interviewed over 10,000 women, and their biggest and most frequent complaint is that
guys come on too fast. When following the rules of “The System,” you do exactly the
opposite. You work slowly and methodically. You get the number and get out of there,
leaving her to wonder about you and ponder when and if you’re going to call her. When you
don’t jump on the woman straightaway, you leave her wondering whether you’re just playing
a head game with her. This other love doctor you mention wants to completely jettison
Challenge when that’s exactly what women desire — they don’t want guys acting like the
proverbial bull in a China shop.

The reason you don’t go in for a kiss until later is simple. You already know your Interest
Level. You already know that you want to kiss her. But you don’t know her Interest Level. So
what you want to do is make sure that when you go in for the kiss she doesn’t turn her head
and rebuff you. That’s why you wait until the second date, all the while working her with
Challenge. You wait for a date that you have to set up because it’s going to frustrate her that
you didn’t immediately reciprocate her attention. That frustration equals Challenge, which
drives up Interest Level, which this other love doctor completely ignores or doesn’t
understand.

Albert, you are capitalizing on the moment by getting the woman’s phone number and getting
out of there and leaving her to wonder whether or not you’re going to call her. By waiting and
not jumping her bones immediately, you have power. Every other guy will try to kiss her
right then and there or call her within a day or two. My techniques set you apart from all the
losers. Because you’re going to wait. And like the great Doctor Freud once said, “The key to
women is patience.”

Should you rely on personality skills rather than physical attraction when it comes to the
opposite sex? Albert, you have to have one in order to get the other. Like I said earlier, it’s a
combination of the two that’s going to snag her. Of course your personality is important
because if you’re just an average-looking guy and her Interest Level is 55%, you’re going to
have to use your personality to get her interest up to 95%. But with my techniques, you will
get to 95% instead of dropping south of the border.

What I have to say about this other love doctor is simple, but profound: He completely
overlooks the power of Challenge and the fact that the vast majority of men rush straight into
rejection. If you follow my strategy, you’ll save yourself that anguish and pain, and you’ll be
much more successful with women — guaranteed.

Remember, guys: The key to women is patience.

The New Guy

Hey Doc,

I recently read "The System." Here’s my situation: I’m just about to get dumped after a year-
and-a-half-long relationship with Suzy. Even though I didn’t know about your book two years
ago when Suzy and I became friends at work, I played it cool and apparently was a total
Challenge, because within three months she dumped the guy she was with and was with me
— with very little effort on my part. I was suspicious, however, as I had gotten enough
information out of her to discover that she's left every relationship she’s ever been in for a
new guy. I even joked with her about not wanting to be the next chump, and actually kept my
Interest Level to about 75% for the first six to eight months.

This is what happened to really mess things up. I had an online dating ad that I used before
becoming Suzy’s boyfriend, but not while we were dating. She saw it on my computer
browser at about the six-month mark and went completely ballistic. I apologized and, at that
very moment, the Interest Levels in our relationship switched. Hers dropped to 70% or lower.
The long slide of Suzy’s Interest Level to below 40% took another year, and my level of
interest rose to compensate, until it hit 95%, where it is now.

So here’s my question: Was I wrong for not listening to my intuition about this woman? It
seems that she leaves every turkey the same way for a new guy. Does the way a woman
finish a relationship have anything to do with the way she’s going to leave a guy in the
future? Did Suzy use the discovery of my dating ad as an excuse to get out of the
relationship? Should I have had concerns about getting involved with her in the first place?

I’m a rookie, Doc, but I’m trying to prepare to do it differently next time.

Herman - who is learning a hard lesson

Hi Herman,

The reason Suzy dumps one guy after another when she’s lost interest in them is because
she’s beautiful. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “When you’re a hot
chick, you don’t get dumped on.” To you psych majors, in every relationship someone has to
get dumped. And 90% of the time, the guy is going to have to absorb the rejection and pain.
So you’re not pointing out anything new here, my friend.

Now let me ask you this: What was Suzy doing on your computer in the first place? And,
secondly, why did you have this ad on your computer? You have to be careful about
maintaining your privacy and you have to be smart about the evidence you leave lying
around. Like my cousin General Love says, “Computers and cell phones are like minefields
— they’re deadly.”

But here’s the more important issue. If you told Suzy that you used this ad before you met her
and that it’s just sitting harmlessly on your browser and you haven’t touched it since you’ve
been going with her, why didn’t she just overlook it? Why couldn’t she sit down and ask you
why you had the ad? That’s what you need to know. Because the behavior Suzy exhibited
when she found the ad tells me that anytime you and she have a disagreement, she goes
ballistic. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Is this the kind of woman that you want to spend
the rest of your life with?” But it also tells me that there may be more involved here than just
the random discovery of an ad on your browser.

Your intuition has nothing to do with what happened between you and Suzy. In any
relationship, someone is going to get the short end of the stick, and, like I said, the vast
majority of the time, it’s you, the guy.

Every girl leaves one chump for another. This is what they do. They go out with one dude
until he does everything wrong, then they move on to the next one, and he then he gets
dumped. But when a guy follows "The System" — which you’re not doing because you just
read it for the first time — he would figure this situation out. He would have discovered that
Suzy has a hair-trigger temper because he would know what to look for in a woman. And he
would have figured out that Suzy didn’t want to sit down and talk this out with you calmly,
and he would have asked her why. Finally, he would have seen the warning signs of a
dropping Interest Level — and he would have had the tools to stop it.

Herman, it doesn’t matter how a girl dumps a guy in the past, present or future. The point is
that she’s leaving. Who cares how she does it? The only thing that matters is that she’s gone.

Did Suzy use the discovery of your dating ad to begin to extricate herself from your
relationship? That’s a great question, Herman. If she did, it means her Interest Level was low
and that you got to my book too late to correct the blunders you were making. Starting right
now, you have to read "The System" once a week for 15 weeks in order to completely
absorb its wisdom and power.

No, you shouldn’t have worried about the way Suzy dumps guys before you got involved
with her. All women dump guys, like I said. It doesn’t feel good to the guy, but the method
she uses has nothing to do with the relationship. The issue isn’t how you got dumped, but why
you got dumped.

Remember, guys: Until you eat, sleep and dream "The System," you will not get it — or her.

Patience With Women

Hey Doc,

I’d like to thank you for everything you’ve done for us. I’ve been using “The System” since
2003, and it has been nothing short of a blessing. Your principles are simple yet powerful.
You bring everything together for us and show us how each principle builds upon another.
Before “The System,” I was using some of your principles without knowing the power they
held. However, once I had the girl, I would then turn into putty in her hands. You can just
imagine the results once I stopped being a Challenge.

I am 40 and in great shape. People usually tell me I look 8 to 10 years younger than my age.
Since 2003 I have enjoyed my time playing the dating game and being able to tell the
difference between the good and the bad. However, I’ve met a very interesting young lady
who is bucking the trend. Krista is 25. We met at work but actually did not date until after she
left and started working for another firm. I went in for the kiss on our second date with great
success.

So it’s now been more than the required 10 dates (probation), and she has been giving (baking
cookies and inviting me over for dinner), flexible and so far has had a great attitude. You
always tell us to go in slow, and I did. We end every date with kissing, and each time our
kissing gets a little more passionate. Krista has told me several times that she likes me very
much. I have yet to tell her that I like her, but of course I show her with my actions (I am
affectionate, respectful and a gentleman).

Krista has had a conservative Christian upbringing, has never had a boyfriend and only dated
one guy for a few weeks two years ago. She’s always gone out with me when I asked and has
never rejected or canceled a date. She is beautiful on the outside but much more beautiful on
the inside. However, it’s been three months since we started dating and she has not once
asked, “Where is this relationship going?” Every other girl I dated would always bring that
question up like clockwork. Again, her words and actions go hand in hand and there has
never been any confusion. My question is, should I keep waiting until she brings up the
subject of why I haven’t asked her to be my girlfriend yet? How much longer should I wait?
Also, do you think that our age gap is too big?

Tommas - who’s getting a little antsy

Hi Tommas,

You make a very astute observation about the principles in my books. Regarding your own
history with women, if your Interest Level in someone is around 55%, you can easily abide by
the rules of “The System.” But when it’s in the 70s or 80s and your mind goes blank when
you’re with a beautiful woman and you have to think of the right thing to do at the moment,
you have to be proficient in my techniques. Otherwise, you’ll start doing the wrong things,
the girl’s Interest Level will take a dive and you’ll be on your way out. Needless to say, you’ll
be nothing but putty in her hands.

When you describe Krista, I have to say that everything about her sounds perfect. It could —
possibly — be to your advantage that she has not dated all that much, which means she has
low emotional mileage on her. On the other hand, the fact that she has so little experience
with dating and she’s already a quarter of a century old demonstrates that her social skills in
dealing with the opposite sex have perhaps not been formed at all. Maybe you’re just the
very first guy that she digs. Maybe you just got lucky and you hit the jackpot with her. But
there may also be a bigger red flag lurking somewhere. Like a good detective, you’ll have to
keep watch on this, pal.

And of course it bears scrutiny that Krista has not asked where the relationship is going. But
by your own admission she has only dated one guy in 25 years, so she hasn’t yet had the
experience of pressuring a man. Since Krista has been all but perfect so far, you’re just going
to have to be patient with her. Don’t think of her probationary period as being 10 dates; think
of it as 20 or 30 dates.

One more very important thing: You should be dating other women, Tommas. Since Krista
has not asked to be your girlfriend, you should still be out hustling other phone numbers.

Yes, you are going to have to continue waiting for Krista to ask you to be her boyfriend. But
that’s OK because the more time you spend with this girl and not beg to be her boyfriend, the
higher her Interest Level will climb. If it’s 82% now, let’s say, when it gets up in the 90s,
she’ll start to bug you about whether or not you are seeing anyone else. On the other hand,
since she hasn’t asked you to be her boyfriend, you should keep your Friday and Saturday
dates with her to a minimum.

How much longer should you wait for her to bring up the subject of being your girlfriend?
Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “As long as it takes.”
Is your age gap too wide? Sadly, I have to say yes, guy. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
“There is no substitute for life experience.” And there’s no way Krista has your life
experience, Tommas. And here’s something else to think about: Like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says, “Who knows what she’s going to want when she grows up?”

That said, I like the fact that Krista hasn’t been out with the entire armed forces. But her age
and her lack of life experience and what they imply is something you’re going to have to keep
your eye on, Tommas. Good luck.

Remember, guys: The key to women is patience.

Is She A Friend Or More?

Hey Doc,

First of all, thank you for your words of wisdom. "The System" has completely changed my
life and perspective on how to deal with women.

I met this perfect-10 model, Soraya, about a year ago, and we got along great. She invited me
to dinner and we went to the movies for my birthday and met for lunch a couple of times, but
I thought she was just being friendly so I kept my cool and just saw her every once in a while.
Then we lost communication for several months, but she texted me two months ago and
asked me out for lunch to “catch up.” I kept it light, made Soraya laugh constantly and made
lots of eye contact. I was nervous, but I kept my self-control. I offered to pay for lunch, and
she accepted (she never used to let me pay for anything). She texted me that night and told
me she had a good time and asked me out to dinner, saying that it was her treat. As always,
we had fun. When I took her home, she told me about her best friend’s birthday party and
said she wanted me to go with her. That night she paid for my tab too.

Anyway, the last time we had dinner, Soraya got a call from one of her friends. When she
hung up, she told me her friend was having relationship problems and was seeking her
advice. Then she began telling me how happy she is being single because she was avoiding
all that baggage and trouble. Then she said she didn’t see herself in a relationship because her
job took up all her time. Big red flag. I told her to date someone as busy as her and changed
the subject.

That night I texted her the following: “I know that nothing will happen between us, so it’s
good to know we can be good friends.” She replied, “Did I say that?” I called her, and she
apologized and told me not to take it personally. She said she was interested in and attracted
to me, so we should “go with the flow” and see what happens. Then she told me we should
have another date but didn’t specify a time.

I called her to set a date, but we couldn’t seem to get together. I offered and she counter-
offered but nothing worked. Doc, I don’t know where I stand with Soraya. What should I do
now? Help!

Dunston - who doesn’t know if he should flush her number or put her on probation

Hi Dunston,
It’s nice that you thought Soraya was just being friendly to you, but you should have been
dating her all along. Guy, you weren’t going by my program. If you’re following "The
System," you’re not going to be just seeing her “every once in a while.” You should have
called Soraya and asked her out, then waited a week, called her again, gotten another date and
then kissed her on that second date.

Now here’s something you have to understand: When you didn’t see Soraya for a few
months, right then and there you were out. To you psych majors, when you go out with a
babe three or four times and then you don’t see her for a few months, it's over. When you
went out to dinner with her and she picked up your tab, you didn’t kiss her good night, did
you? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You started off in the friendship
zone, and you’re stuck in the friendship zone.” Going to Soraya’s friend’s birthday party was
just a group date anyway — which keeps you mired in the friendship zone. Dunston, you’re
not using my principles at all.

Now, who’s this friend calling Soraya for relationship advice? Just some guy? An ex-
boyfriend? Is it some dude who’s trying to date her? That said, it was excellent that you told
her that she should date someone as busy as she is and changed the subject. Good job.

But then you turned right around and made a huge mistake by telling Soraya that you were
happy that you could be good friends and that nothing was ever going to happen between the
two of you. Dunston, why in the world are you telling her this stuff? You want to end up
dating this woman, but you’re going straight down the friendship road again.

Soraya might be telling you to go with the flow, but like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “The
flow’s already stopped, and the river’s all dammed up!” There is no flow that’s at all
predictable, my friend, because you’re not using the strategy that my book lays out for you.
You have "The System," and you’re not following it, which makes no sense, and that’s your
biggest problem.

One more thing: As far as Soraya goes, she’s nothing but a big waste of time.

Remember, guys: When you want to date a woman, stay out of the friendship zone.

Trust Issues

Hey Doc,

I met Mona, 24, at work. From the beginning I knew that she had a boyfriend, but it didn’t
matter since we were just friends. She told me she had problems with her boyfriend (a really
nice guy, but he was controlling, didn’t like it when she went out with friends, and didn’t
communicate or handle problems with her well). She lied to him about hanging out with me
because he was so controlling.

Anyway, we went out maybe four or five times outside of work and sometimes met up to talk
for a while after work. We also texted extremely often, and before I knew it, we’d drifted
into an affair. I know what I did was terrible, but now I can’t take it back. Prior to this, Mona
told me that she and her boyfriend were going to break up. She started sleeping at my house,
then
her boyfriend moved out of her place. She said that there was no going back and that they
were finished for good.

During our time together, I’ve grown really insecure about Mona and her boyfriend. In my
previous two relationships I also had trust issues, but I always tried to trust Mona and always
asked her to tell me the truth and told her that she could talk to me about anything.

For the first couple of months of our relationship, Mona was very protective of her phone.
She said it was a habit formed from when she was with her ex because he always checked her
phone and her phone should be private. I confronted her about it, and she said that she’d try to
end this “habit.” From that point onward she only looked at her phone when I left the room.

Anyway, I figured out Mona’s password since I was curious to see who she’d been texting,
and it turns out she’s been texting her ex ever since the beginning. I confronted her about it,
and she had several explanations for why she was doing it, including that I seemed obsessed
with her relationship with her ex and she didn’t want to upset me. Now all I can think about is
that she’s lying about everything. She seems to be quite caring and thoughtful regarding me,
but I can’t help thinking she has a hidden agenda.

What do I do now, Doc? I stress about this every minute of the day. I really love Mona, but I
just can’t stand the fact that she lied.

Troy - who doesn’t want a liar

Hi Troy,

First of all let, me issue a warning: You have to be careful about becoming a woman’s
girlfriend or psychiatrist, which you were dangerously close to becoming with Mona. Once
that happens, your chances with her are zero.

Your other big problem here was spending way too much time with a woman who already has
a boyfriend. Troy, you shouldn’t have been spending all this time with Mona since she wasn’t
free. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Between all the texting and
hanging out with this chick, you could have been hustling other women who don’t have
boyfriends.”

But you drifted into an affair with Mona anyway. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says,
“It’s not what you did that was terrible; it was what she did that was terrible.” Now you
have a babe sleeping at your house who has a boyfriend. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
“What good would you expect to come out of this arrangement?” Another major mistake.

Dude, you might have thought that you could trust Mona, but until you go out with a babe for
six months, you can’t trust her 100%. And, by the way, did you think that the fact that Mona
would sleep at your house when she has a boyfriend was a trustworthy act in the first place?

You say that Mona was always protective of her phone because her ex violated her privacy.
It’s true that a phone should be private, but here’s the important point: Was her ex always
checking on her phone because she wasn’t trustworthy? Why was the guy so paranoid about
her phone? Was she sneaking around on him?
But then she promised to “try to end this habit.” Why does she have to try so hard? She
should do it on the spot! Despite what she said, she hasn’t been trying very hard to put an
end to her phone activities. She’s been texting her ex from the beginning. This guy started
with Mona before you, and even though she’s now your girlfriend, he’s still in the picture.
This is because of all the mistakes you made at the beginning of your relationship with
Mona.

Troy, you and this other guy just traded places. He didn’t trust her, and now you don’t trust
her. And, by the way, if Mona and her ex are really finished, why is she texting him at all?

I’ve got some bad news for you, Troy. Mona is lying about everything. In other words, she’s
just a big liar. She lied to her ex, and she’s lying to you now. She’s a drama queen and she
digs all the emotional turmoil swirling around because it keeps all the attention focused on
her. Do you really want to live with that for the rest of your life?

What should you do now? That’s easy. Get rid of Mona and find a new girlfriend. You have
to find someone who doesn’t lie, pal. And, remember, it’s not just that she lies; it’s that she
lies all the time.

Remember, guys: Men don’t feel comfortable dating liars.

Coming On Too Strong

Hey Doc,

I only just recently learned of your existence and heard about your book "The System." I’m
definitely going to see about buying it when I have a chance.

My issue is with Ursula, who I’ve known for eight years. We met over the internet. We had a
long-distance relationship (she lives in Ohio and I live in Ontario — roughly five and a half
hours away) for nearly four years. We met once during that time for two weeks, and it was
the best time I’ve had in my life. After we each went back home, it didn’t take long for the
distance to become unbearable and she ended up finding a boyfriend closer to her, betraying
me in the process. After a very nasty breakup, I cut off all communication with her for two
years.

One day I received an email from Ursula out of the blue. She told me that she was sorry for
what happened, still thought and dreamed about me, and that no one had ever treated or loved
her like I did. It took a while, but eventually I let her back into my life as a friend. We would
chat from time to time, but that was the extent of it. Then I concocted a plan to go and visit
her. I got the green light and went to her home, and while I was there I realized that I never
had the chance to get over Ursula and that I was still very much in love with her. She told me
the very same. She said she wanted me to move closer to her.

Unfortunately, I had to come back to Ontario, and when I did, we spoke at length about ways
that I could move to Ohio to be with her on a regular basis. I did a lot of research and
eventually came up with a way to do it. I hinted to Ursula that I wanted to visit her again. She
said she’d get back to me on it, and since then, it went from her barely answering any of my
messages to not answering them at all. I noticed that she kept saying that she was “thinking”
about things, and I made the mistake of reassuring her that I was there for her if she needed
me. I woke up recently to a message from her telling me to slow it down and that I was
getting a little too clingy. I decided not to reply because as I thought it over, I realized that I
might actually have been coming on too strong.

My main question, though, is why Ursula would back off when all of this was her idea? Why
would she become so cold when I hinted at being able to do what she wanted? And what
should I do now since she’s said my “clinginess” is making her uncomfortable? I sense that
there might be something more to it than that, but I just can’t seem to figure out what it is
exactly. What should I do, Doc?

Elijah - who’s really confused

Hi Elijah,

Now let me get this straight. You saw a girl once — ONCE — in four years and you’re telling
me you’re crazy about her? Whatever you do, don’t rush into getting my book, pal. You
might just learn something if you do!

Do you know why Ursula found a boyfriend closer to where she lives? Because you couldn’t
see her, that’s why. And, by the way, long-distance relationships — which never work — are
covered in great detail in my book, whenever you get around to buying it. It’s sad that you
don’t have it, because my techniques could relieve your suffering and misery immediately.
But like I said, whatever you do, don’t rush out to buy it!

The reason you got an email from Ursula out of the blue is easy to figure out. Like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “She struck out with a bunch of new guys so she went back
to the old ones.” It took two whole years before it sank in on her that you were in love with
her? Hey, that’s one sharp girl you’ve got there, my friend! And let me clear something up for
you. You didn’t let Ursula back into your life as a friend. And you didn’t want her as a friend.
You wanted her as a girlfriend. So don’t lie to me or yourself.

But even though you hardly know Ursula, you wanted to move to another country to be with
her. In other words, you saw a girl one time after not talking to her for two years and you
were ready to uproot yourself to be near her? Instead of researching ways of moving away
from your country for some ding-dong, Elijah, you should have been doing research into
“The System.”

But then you had to “hint” to her that you would like to come and visit her again. You had to
actually drop hints about something with a girl who loves you? Yeah, you two have a great
relationship!

But after you dropped this subtle suggestion, Ursula wouldn’t even answer your messages.
Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “This lady has great, great respect for you,
bro.” Nevertheless, after she told you she had to think things over, you assured her that you
were there for her, just like an old doormat. You’re Mr. Challenge, all right!

Then Ursula accused you of being too clingy. Well, you’ll just have to disappear for two
more years and come back again! You noticed that you might have been coming on too
strong? No offense, Elijah, but you don’t have a clue about girls. Nada. Nothing. Out of the
first hundred
things there are to know about females, you know zero. And you’re only thinking about
buying “The System?”

The reason Ursula said she wanted you to move closer to her is because she bombed with
other men, she’s a drama queen, and she’s playing with your head, get it? Like my cousin
Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “It doesn’t take a girl two years to figure out that she
digs you.” She went as cold as an iceberg because her Interest Level is low, it’s always been
low, and it will always stay low.

What should you do? Get “The System" delivered to you by overnight service. I don’t mean
to hurt your feelings, guy, but this girl has turned you upside down and you don’t have the
first idea how to deal with it. For you to contemplate moving hundreds of miles away for a
girl you’ve only seen for a couple of hours is outrageous. You should be dating other women
and you should be memorizing my materials and then finding someone who will love you in
Canada, because this American girl could care less!

Remember, guys: You can never go back, especially when it never started.

Follow-Up Date

I want to say you’ve helped me a lot, especially in the areas of asking girls out. I read your
articles and certain parts of "The System," and both have come in very handy. I am a pretty
good-looking guy, which I know doesn’t really matter, and I love to make people laugh. I am
also a college student who has no problem getting any girl I want simply because all college
girls act the same — they want to be friends with the nice guy but they want to make out
with the jerk. I am good at getting girls to make out with me because I am in no way
emotionally attracted to them. But recently I have run into a wall.

About a year ago, I threw a party at my house and was introduced to a beautiful girl, Tanya.
Although she’s gorgeous, I didn’t pay much attention to her, but by the end of the night, she
was kissing me and we really hadn’t even talked. From what I learned, she’s the type of girl
who is constantly chased by big-time athletes and every other type of guy, and ignores every
one, so I kind of just forgot about her and moved on, thinking that there was no point in
chasing her. I saw her a few times after the party, and each time, there was an attraction
between us.

Two months ago is when the real problem started. I went to a friend’s boat and he told me he
had invited a hot babe and her friend for the day. Well, the friend turned out to be Tanya. We
spent the day together and the conversation was the greatest. There was no awkwardness, she
mimicked my every move and the touch barrier seemed unimportant. Even her friend told
me that Tanya had a crush on me.

I haven’t seen her since, but I messaged her and I think I really screwed up. Tanya told me
she was working at a restaurant and I asked if it was an invitation to come and see her, and
she said yes. Unfortunately I couldn’t make it, so late at night when I was drunk, I sent her a
message that I couldn’t come but that if she wasn’t too tired when she left work she should
give me a call. I feel that line messed it all up. She didn’t respond.
For the first time in years I actually have feelings for a girl and I’m confused. What should I
do, Doc? Do I ask Tanya out for a Starbucks date or do I just ignore her until the next time I
run into her? When a girl is as pursued as Tanya is, when does the guy stop ignoring her
and just go out and get her?

Reid - who hopes it isn’t a lost cause

Hi Reid,

You can’t just read “certain parts” of "The System." Like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
“It’s like not finishing the doctor’s prescription.”

While it might be true that college girls want to be friends with a nice guy and make out with
a jerk, my book teaches you how to combine the best of both, but you don’t realize that
because you haven’t actually read it. And, besides, "The System" is not about making out
with a girl. In fact, when using my principles, you’re not supposed to kiss the girl until the
second date. You have my materials and it tells you that, but it’s obvious that you skipped
that part.

That said, you shouldn’t have allowed Tanya to kiss you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
from East L.A. says, “If you turned your head away you would have driven her crazy.” But
then again, you’ve only read certain parts of my book, so you don’t understand the full
measure of challenge.

Now let me get this straight. You’re trying to tell me that a gorgeous girl came to your party
and made out with you and you didn’t follow up with her and start dating her? What’s wrong
with you, pal?

Under my rules, you don’t message women, dude. You sure were right when you said you
only read a few parts of my book. You’re absolutely killing Challenge with your actions, and
your communication skills leave a lot to be desired. If you’re so interested in Tanya, you
should have called her and asked her out, not relegated her to a line of text message.

Now let me get something else straight. You were going to go to Tanya’s workplace and rap
to her while her boss stood behind her and asked her why she’s talking to some guy when
she’s supposed to be working for him? Then, after she works eight hours, she’s supposed to
just call up some drunk and go and see you because you messaged her? Now I’m beginning
to wonder whether you read even certain parts of my book, Reid! That one line didn’t mess
this thing up. A lot more errors messed it up. Of course Tanya didn’t respond to your text
message
— because you did everything wrong. You don’t really have feelings for this girl, my friend,
because you didn’t hustle her phone number after she kissed you at your party.

Here’s what you do. Since you spent a day together on the boat, you’re going to skip the
Starbucks date. You’re going to call Tanya and take her out to dinner — a proper date.

You were supposed to go after Tanya from the beginning. I don’t care if 50,000 guys were
after her. She came to your house to a party and started kissing you, but you failed to
capitalize on it.
Remember, guys: You have to do everything right from the beginning.

Moving Away

Hey Doc,

I’ve been dating Dominique for three years. After a vacation to San Diego and falling in love
with the area, we began to think of moving there. We went back home to St. Louis and
actually made plans for the move.

As a college grad, I figured that I’d be able to find a job and that she could transfer to a
college in California. But after setting the plan in motion, Dominique was suddenly opposed
to the whole thing. She thought it wasn’t a good idea and suggested that we wait. For months
we went back and forth debating it. I told her that I was going to go even if she didn’t come
with me and she could come later. Once I said this she felt like I gave her an ultimatum. She
didn’t like it and thought that I didn’t love her. I told her that I did and that I wanted her to
come with me. Finally she agreed. Both her parents were opposed to the move.

Anyway, we made the move. I felt like we were taking a leap of faith, being adventurous,
bold, daring and maybe even a little crazy. The only guarantee I gave Dominique was that it
would be difficult but that I would do whatever it took for us to make it. We searched for jobs
like crazy but only found mediocre gigs for little pay that weren't enough for us to make it on.
So we used our savings and our parents sent money to keep us afloat. After a few months
Dominique cracked and said she wanted to go back to St. Louis.

Now, this girl has always told me she loves me, and we talk about getting married and being
together forever. We have gone through ups and downs but we always pull through and
love each other even more. Dominique says she wants to be with me no matter what.

In the end she went back home. I opted to stay in San Diego because I didn’t want to quit. I
figured that if I went home the move would seem like a mistake and a failure. Now we’re in a
long-distance relationship and Dominique just wants me to come back home. She is opposed
to returning to San Diego even if I find a good job that would allow me to stay and establish
a foundation. She always makes arguments as to why it’s no good out here — too expensive,
tuition too high, so far away from home, etc.

Doc, I love Dominique and am now pretty much planning on going home, going back to
school to get my master's degree and building up my credentials. I’m willing to do whatever
it takes to be with Dominique, so I will swallow my pride. My question is this: If she loved
me like she said she did, wouldn’t she have stayed no matter how hard it got? Why is it that I
have to go back to St. Louis because she left me out here? We weren’t homeless and our
families would have helped us. She seemingly doesn’t want to believe in what I believe in.
San Diego wasn’t part of her dream, she says, and the only reason she came with me was
because I gave her an ultimatum. Her leaving made me feel betrayed, and now I feel like I’m
making a sacrifice to go back home.

I hope you can give me honest feedback that is impartial and fair to both parties.

Paddy - who feels like he’s giving up on himself

Hi Paddy,

You thought you could find a job in San Diego in this economy? You were being a little too
optimistic, my friend.

What led you to believe that Dominique was “suddenly” opposed to the idea of moving to
California? Maybe it wasn’t so sudden — did you think of that? Maybe she was just going
along with you because you pressured her. Maybe she really never wanted to leave her
lifestyle and her home in St. Louis.

In reality you gave Dominique a half-ultimatum. But the more important point is this: You
and Dominique are not on the same page.

You can swear undying love to Dominique until the cows come home, but in the end you
have to understand her stance on this situation. If you loved her, you would have stayed in
St. Louis, guy. It was a little crazy to make the move because Dominique didn’t like the idea
from the get-go, and you were forcing her to do something that she didn’t want to do. When
she voiced opposition to the idea of moving to San Diego, right then and there it was over.
You shouldn’t have moved and you never should have forced her to go with you. If you really
wanted to be with her, you should have stayed in St. Louis.

It’s no surprise whatsoever that Dominique cracked and went back home. She’d already told
you that she didn’t want to move and you semi-forced her to do it. Now, it’s true that
Dominique wants to be with you no matter what — as long as you’re in St. Louis. And that’s
the point you’re still missing, dude. She loves St. Louis and hates San Diego, which is too far
away from home and her upbringing. But, again, she told you that at the very beginning.
Unless she was 110% willing to make the move west with you initially — which she wasn’t
— this whole scheme wasn’t going to work. She only went along with you due to your semi-
ultimatum.

This is not a matter of swallowing your pride, Paddy. It’s much simpler than that. You value
San Diego and Dominique doesn’t. Staying with you no matter how hard it got was not the
issue, because she told you from the outset that she didn’t want to move. It wasn’t like she
was gung-ho on the move under any circumstance and then changed her mind when she got
to San Diego. She was against it all before you moved — that’s the key point you continue to
fail to recognize.

Pal, you don’t have to go back to St. Louis. In fact, you shouldn’t go home to Dominique
because for all practical purposes you two have broken up. It’s over for you and Dominique.

To you psych majors, you can't force someone to believe in what you believe in. This babe
doesn’t like San Diego. She wants to stay with her friends and family, where she was raised.
You dragged her to San Diego, where she had no girlfriends or family or support system.
Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “For you it’s fine to experience life that
way, but it was killing her.” But, again, she told you straight out of the gate that she didn’t
want any part of the plan.

Dominique didn’t betray you, Paddy. She told you up front her real feelings about moving
across the country.
Remember, guys: When a woman tells you how she feels, you’d better listen to what she says.

Her Way Or The Highway

Hey Doc,

I’ve been your student for a year and a half now, and following your principles has helped me
to win the heart of (in my eyes and heart) the most beautiful, generous, giving and flexible
woman in the world. We’ve been dating for seven months now and are so happy together. I
am 31 and she is 24, by the way. Armed with "The System," I managed to get Ani’s Interest
Level sky high, while not letting her know that I’m head over heels for her. Her main concern
is that I will someday get sick of her or cheat on her, that she is too lucky and somehow
doesn’t deserve me. Our squabbles have been about me not calling first, or enough or texting
her good morning — things of this nature. And it’s good because it shows that she wants to
be with me. I do everything to be a gentleman and never pressure her.

The problem: When we argue, every time I bring up how I feel or why I’m upset, she
immediately thinks about herself first. For example, she’ll say “Well, how about how I feel?”
or go into denial mode right away. She’s more interested in defending herself than in
acknowledging how I feel about something and what’s bothering me.

What do you make of this? Is Ani afraid to be wrong? Maybe she doesn’t know better? Or
maybe she does genuinely care more about herself? And how would I know which is the
case? In our fights I make the first concession in order to warm her up, though I only
apologize when I’m in the wrong. Is this pattern something that will persist for the next 40
years?

After our last fight Ani texted to say that we should take a couple days to calm down, and I
didn’t reply. I want to show her I care, but that I can stay strong and that I have a backbone.
Now it’s been a couple of weeks and I haven’t been able to reach Ani by phone. Your
coaching in this hour of need would be greatly appreciated.

Jarrett - who is confused and worried

Hi Jarrett,

First of all, Ani knows that you’re head over heels for her. You’re just not verbalizing it, but
you’re showing your high Interest Level through your actions. That said, having her be afraid
that you’ll leave her for someone else and thinking that she’s the luckiest girl in the world is
the best position to be in.

If Ani’s Interest Level is 95%, you should call her first because you’re not losing any ground.
But if it drops to 85%, let her call you. As far as texting goes, I don’t believe in it — period.
You say that the fact that Ani bugs you about little things shows that she wants to be with
you. But consider this: If she’s structured — which you say she isn’t — your shortcomings
and oversights could be irritating her much more than you think. And that makes it an
entirely different issue.
You mention the problem of your arguments and that Ani always looks out for herself when
you fight. But, Jarrett, why are you arguing in the first place? And how often are you arguing?
In seven months, how many arguments have you had? Have you only had two arguments in
all that time — which is OK — or are you having two arguments every week, which is
something entirely different?

Now if Ani is only concerned with herself or she goes immediately into denial mode
whenever you have a difference of opinion, it means she is indeed structured, contrary to
what you want to believe. The truth is that she’s not flexible, as you said at the beginning.
You don’t have what you insist you have in a girlfriend. To you Psych majors, if a woman
can sit down with you and calmly discuss whatever difference of opinion you have, and
demonstrate empathy and sympathy for your side of the issue, then she’s flexible. But Ani’s
not. She’s hardheaded. Pal, you’ve got a hardheaded woman here. So you missed that part in
my book.
In "The System," I take this type of woman to task. Why? Because you don’t want one. Like
my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Getting involved with a hardheaded woman
is a perfect recipe for misery.”

What do I make of this? You don’t know "The System," that’s what I make of it. You
haven’t been following my principles, because if you had, you would have nipped this
problem in the bud. Not to mention that in my book I tell you not to argue. But apparently
you missed that part, too.

Your problem with Ani is that whenever you have a disagreement, you’re the one who’s
always wrong. Even if you’re right, you’re always wrong! That means — as I said before —
that she’s structured. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “With this one it’s either her way or
the highway.” She might not know better, but more likely she doesn’t have flexibility and
sympathy and empathy to give, because that’s not the way she’s built. I don’t think Ani cares
more about herself, but when she gets into an argumentative mode, she’s an inflexible
woman.

Is her intransigent attitude something that will persist for the next 40 years? Dude, it’s going
to persist even longer — like, forever!

You might want to show a backbone, my friend, but a backbone is going to clash with a
hardheaded woman. And by the way, what the heck kind of fight did you have that the two of
you have to calm down? And you’ve only been going out for seven months? Like my cousin
General Love says, “I’d hate to see what kind of a war zone you’re living in after 10 years!”

Now let me get this straight. For seven long months you’ve been dating Ani — a virtually
perfect woman with 100% Interest Level — and you can’t get her on the phone for two
weeks? That must have been some fight all right! Are you sure you have my book and not
some other love doctor’s book?

Remember, guys: If she always has to be right, you’re going to be miserable.

Arranged Marriage

Hey Doc,
I read your articles from time to time and find them very different from other dating articles
floating around the Internet. I’m 28 and should have started studying your columns earlier
because of the strange but true wisdom in your humorous words.

Although I live in America, I am from India and am about to enter into an arranged marriage
(like 90% of the marriages that happen in my part of India) with Bianca. My parents set me
up with her. We spent a month together and she was all over me (figuratively, of course).
Both families decided we should get engaged before I came back to the States. Bianca and I
agreed to it. After the marriage, she will move here to America to be with me.

Bianca is 25 years old and has grown up very pampered. Whenever we get into an argument,
she gets very upset and expects me to pacify her, but she won’t bend. Because I was not
familiar with your principles, I had missed the part about the guy not being too
accommodating. When Bianca starts talking from her true self, I see many red flags,
including put-downs, unresolved pains from previous relationships, etc. Sometimes I think
she’s a whackjob. I have made my share of mistakes, too. Sometimes in our confrontations
over the phone, I come off as rude or uptight because of the long distance.

It’s always been tough being a challenge because of the long distance and also the fact that
our families are involved. If we argue, we like to resolve it ourselves, but somehow the
parents interfere. At this point, neither Bianca nor I have even 50% Interest Level in each
other. We have discussed this and come to the conclusion that we do not know how this will
change when we are living together. But neither of us is willing to break this marriage off,
considering the involvement of our families and our societal expectations back in India.
Bianca says she will go through with the marriage and agree with whatever I say and not be
her real self. But she doesn’t like me like she once did.

Doc, sometimes it’s just not easy to break it off when Interest Level is down, like you say to
do, especially given cultural pressures. Bianca has some good traits that I used to like. She is a
flexible giver when giving gifts and is learning to cook dishes that I like. If there is something
you can suggest to push her Interest Level back up, I am all ears.

Rajiv - who is afraid for his future

Hi Rajiv,

The reason my wisdom seems strange is because to me, the world is upside down. Everything
I teach is the exact opposite of what all the other love doctors out there teach.

Now, here’s the first problem you have: You can’t possibly get to know anyone in 30 days, so
you can’t possibly know Bianca. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You’re
marrying a complete stranger.”

Then you tell me that she’s pampered, which means she’s not a self-reliant woman. That’s a
big red flag. And you’ve only gone out for 30 days and you’re arguing already? Another red
flag. Oh, this is a great recipe for a happy marriage! Next, you tell me that Bianca won’t bend.
Do I have to tell you this is another red flag? In other words, she’s hardheaded, she’s
structured and she’s intransigent — all of which will drive you to abject misery over the long
haul.
By the way, you should never be too accommodating, my friend, but this situation is a setup,
which means you had nothing to do with this potential marriage and you’re trapped. Then you
add that Bianca is a whackjob and has problems. If you’re seeing all of this, why in the world
would you marry her? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Are your parents’ egos more
important than your future happiness?”

The long distance between you and Bianca doesn’t really have an impact on anything here.
The reason you’re having trouble is because you don’t have my principles down and you’re
just theoretically in love with someone who’s a nutcase. Your families are behind and
running this entire mess, so you have no choice in anything here. But what you still don’t
seem to get is that you shouldn’t be arguing with someone after only 30 days of dating.

Then you add that neither of you have even 50% Interest Level in each other. So you’re going
to marry a girl you don’t love and who doesn’t love you. Like my cousin Brother Love down
in Watts says, “If it ain’t there to begin with, you ain’t never gonna have it.” In other words, if
Interest Level is below 50% to begin with, you’re dead in the water. Of course the situation
isn’t going to get better after you’re living together — it’s going to do nothing but deteriorate.

You say that neither of you are willing to break the marriage off, but you should break it off.
The problem is that you are weak, and you’re being run around by your parents.

Do you really believe that Bianca is not going to be her real self when you get married? Yeah,
right. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Know the odds of that
happening? You might as well buy lottery tickets.”

Rajiv, you have to realize that you are under severe cultural pressures and that you’re going to
be married to someone who doesn’t love you in India and is not going to love you in
America. But if you go through with this marriage, Bianca is going to get pregnant and four
years later you’re going to be in divorce court. Or you’ll stay together for your families’ sake
and you’ll be miserable and at each other’s throats every day for the rest of your life until
you’re 85 years old. Do you really want that?

Remember, guys: Think of your happiness; don’t think of your parents’ egos.

How To Regain Trust

Hey Doc,

I need help figuring out how to go about regaining my trust in Jamie.

I’ve been with her for a few years now, and even though things have been great, there have
been some situations that continue to weigh on me, things that I’ve had a very hard time
getting over.

Three incidents happened that have me questioning Jamie all the time:
1. She texted her ex while drunk, saying that she misses him. This happened a while ago, she
didn’t remember doing it, was beyond sorry and assured me that she doesn’t really miss
him... but still.

2. We went through a rough patch a while ago, and it came to a head after Jamie got a call
and she wasn’t near her phone. I answered it, thinking it was her girlfriend, and it turned out
to be a guy. I flipped and we had to take a break for a while. During that time she told me
why she did it — because it was an old boyfriend and she didn’t want me to be upset. I’m in
contact with some of my old girlfriends and she likes them, but I don’t know why she would
have hidden this guy from me.

3. Recently Jamie was in contact with another guy, a person who she said she would no
longer be in contact with. I found out and again got upset. She explained that he’s now
engaged and she texted him "congratulations." The fact that she did it behind my back bothers
me.

So now I’m having trust issues. Jamie’s taken action on every one of these incidents to make
things right and prove that they weren’t anything deceptive — but because it was always
behind my back has me questioning her a lot. This is something that I hate and something
that now starts fights. I’ve messed up myself in the past, but have never lied to Jamie and I
feel that she doesn’t really get how deeply it’s hurt me that she lies. At the same time Jamie’s
the type who avoids confrontation and hates talking things out.

I don’t want to keep questioning Jamie. I just want to trust her again and not worry. I’ve had
a lot of awful things happen to me in the past that have made me jaded and distrustful in the
first place. Being on my own since I was 14 has led me to question many things. But the point
is that I never questioned Jamie’s actions before and now I do. How can I go about working
this trust stuff out and get back to the good place we were once in?

Boris - who’s having a tough time

Hi Boris,

Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If your girl gets drunk, she should be texting you,
not some other dude!” You refer to your issues with Jamie as “trust” issues, but I prefer to
call them loyalty issues. Why is Jamie talking to an ex at all? If you’ve read "The System,"
you know that there should never be any exes lurking in the background. I don’t like it
because it’s disloyal. But, OK, let’s give Jamie the benefit of the doubt and call this first
incident an accident.

To you psych majors, not wanting you to be “upset” by being in contact with an ex is an
excuse all disloyal women use. Anytime they see an ex behind your back, they say it’s
because they didn’t want to upset you. How thoughtful, right? But when you find out, of
course you’re upset — you flip, which reinforces the problem. The point is that she shouldn’t
be talking to her exes — period. Now, with this second incident of Jamie talking to a guy
behind your back, we have a coincidence.

And why are you talking to your exes, pal? You shouldn’t be. Because this tells Jamie
indirectly that it’s OK for her to talk to her exes. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts
says, “Bro, you’re just as messed up as she is!”
Now Jamie is in contact with a third guy, which means we have a pattern. (Like I’ve told you
guys in the past, you have to think like a cop on Special Victims Unit.) So she’s talking to
three guys — and these are only the ones she’s telling you about. There are likely more since
you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that Jamie is a liar. Boris, I know you’re upset
because she did all of this sneaking around behind your back, but that’s not the point: She
shouldn’t be talking to other men at all. You shouldn’t have a girlfriend who’s in contact with
all kinds of guys. What is this girl — 18 and a senior in high school? You don’t mention her
age, but that’s how she acts.

Guy, you should tell Jamie that you’re going to take a 60-day break from her. You took a
break from her before, but it didn’t accomplish a thing. Like my cousin General Love says,
“You have to show her that you mean business.”

Jamie might have taken action to make you feel better, but she keeps presenting you with
the same problem: guys and phones. Don’t you see the pattern here? I don’t care if Jamie
lied to you. The problem is that she’s contacting other guys in the first place.

You’re absolutely right that Jamie doesn’t get that she hurt you, Boris. And that’s why she
should be history. And she hates talking things out, so that’s another problem with her
personality. Could you live with someone like her if you were married to her? No, you
couldn’t. In a long-term relationship, you have to be able to talk things out with a woman.

You can’t trust Jamie now and not worry about what she does behind your back. She
doesn’t merit your trust. Trust is earned, and she hasn’t done it — simple as that.

You should question everything, my friend, especially authority and reading the words of
other love doctors who don’t know what they’re talking about. But you understand me and
you already see the big red flag here: Jamie isn’t loyal.

Sadly, you can’t work this trust issue out and get back to a good place, for one simple
reason: Jamie is not trustworthy.

Remember, guys: If you can’t turn your back on her and be safe, what good is she?

Keep Your Interest Level Low

Hey Doc,

I’ve used "The System" for about 10 years now, and I love it! But I could use your coaching
since I sometimes lose focus when I get emotionally involved with a woman. I need you to
keep me on the right track.

Scenario: I recently left a six-year relationship and started dating a girl named Danielle. She
had been trying to get me to go out with her for 10 years. When she gave me her number, I
waited, followed your rules and — BAM — it worked like a charm! But after a while,
Danielle started acting weird. I get the impression she was “testing” me and was starting to
use “getting romantic” physically as a tool for emotional manipulation. After eight months
she stopped wanting to be with me and started with the excuses. She now says she wants me
to fully commit to her before she gets romantic with me again. I am not sure that this kind of
behavior is acceptable.
Should I withdraw completely and force Danielle’s hand in order to reset the balance between
us and teach her that testing me will not be tolerated? Or do I tell her that she’s using the
wrong approach and ask her to hit the road?

Doc, I don’t want to use tricks and I hate having to resort to them. I just want to figure out if
Danielle has good intentions and I want to get the ball back in my court.

Criss - who can’t figure out how to deal with her

Hi Criss,

When you uttered the words “emotionally involved,” you said something extremely
important. To all you guys out there, this is exactly why I want your Interest Level to stay low
for as long as possible. I don’t want your Interest Level, under any circumstances, to soar into
the 90s when you first go after a girl. Eighty-nine percent is as high as I want your Interest
Level to ever go, and I want you to keep it under control for as long as possible. Like the
great Doctor Freud once said, “It never helps to lose your head over a woman.”

However, when you’re just starting out with a girl, it’s difficult to keep your Interest low
because yours might be 80% while hers is only 55%, and you have to work hers above yours.
All guys go through this when they’re just starting to date a girl. So this is where discipline
and self-control come into play. You have to possess both qualities and exercise them in order
to avoid disaster — namely, that your interest goes through the roof and hers doesn’t follow
suit.

How do you actually contain your Interest Level and keep it low and manageable? Talk to
yourself. If you can, take yourself out of your body and look down on yourself and your girl
as if you were watching two other people. Through this type of objective self-observation
you can keep your Interest Level down. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says,
“You might not wanna believe it now, bro, but she ain’t the only fish in the sea.”

Now let’s take a look at your situation with Danielle. You rejected her for a decade, then you
finally consented to going out with her, she was all over you and now she’s acting weird. Like
my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Any chance this chick is nursing a lot of resentment
toward you?” Criss, just think about the fact that this babe chased you for 10 long years and
you kept saying “No.” She’d have to want to punish you in some way for torturing her, right?
When you finally gave in to her, maybe she said to herself, “It’s my turn to finally get back at
this guy by being weird.” To you psych majors, that’s Psych 101.

A girl might very well say to you that she won’t kiss you until you do what she wants. But
that’s not necessarily testing. She’s just telling you up front what she wants. So you can’t
jump to the conclusion that Danielle is testing you — she might just want you to commit to
something she’s after.

But when she started with the excuses for why she wouldn’t get romantic with you, you were
finished. This is a simple principle that’s thoroughly explained in my book: When a woman
stops kissing you, you’re out. So drop her, my friend. What this situation also tells me is that
you’ve had my book for 10 years, and you’ve been going out with Danielle for eight months
but you’re not going by my rules. So your 10 years of reading have been a waste because you
haven’t been concentrating hard enough on my words.

Like I said, I don’t think Danielle is testing you, dude. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from
East L.A. says, “She’s pulling a power play.” And when she does something like that, she’s
being inconsistent with you. Inconsistency equals low Interest Level. By your own admission,
Danielle has gotten weird. So the upshot is that it doesn’t really matter if she’s testing you by
saying she doesn’t want to get romantic with you. She’s taking a stand, and it’s because she
has low interest in you.

You might be dying to know whether Danielle has good intentions, but in "The System," we
don’t go by intentions. In my philosophy, we only you go by actions. And this girl’s actions
are highly inconsistent, which means you’re in deep trouble.

Remember, guys: If she’s inconsistent, get rid of her.

Rebound Relationships
Hey Doc,

I’ve been dating Jazmine for four years. We always had a few rough spots, including partial
breakups, but overall it’s been good. At the two-year mark Jazmine broke up with me,
arguing that I’m not driven in life and that she was very turned off by that. I work part-time at
a grocery store and I’m in a band that’s trying to make it in the music industry. So she ended
up dating a friend of her brother. He was obviously a rebound and I knew this, and she ended
up coming back to me after two weeks.

It wasn’t the same after we got back together, though. The romance in our relationship died
and the number of arguments increased. Jazmine constantly wanted to break it off with me.
She said she felt guilty over what she did to her rebound guy. But we went on dating for
another two years until she had a mental breakdown and split from me.

Two months later, she was seeing the same rebound guy. They dated for a month until I
contacted her and we met for a talk. I told her that I got my life on track. I split from the band
and started taking some business courses. Jazmine decided to break it off with the rebound
guy and come back to me. She told me that I was the love of her life.

It’s been eight months since then. We moved in together, but the romantic part of our
relationship is still largely dead. Jazmine constantly tells me that she loves me, though, which
is confusing. Most recently she informed me that she’s been talking to the rebound guy again
but that it’s nothing to worry about. I’m not sure how to deal with it, so I said I was fine with
it. I also decided to take a break from my education and get back together with my band.
Jazmine said she was cool with it as long as I eventually go back to school.

I should also mention that Jazmine lost weight, quit smoking and limited her drinking
when she was seeing the rebound guy. She doesn’t do any of that stuff when she’s with me.
She’s smoking again, drinking more often now and her weight is slowly coming back.
That said, do you think Jazmine still has feelings for the rebound guy? I love this girl and I
don’t want to lose her, but things between us seem so manufactured. It’s almost like she’s
forcing herself to have a relationship with me.

Yukio - who needs to rock

Hi Yukio,

You don’t mention that you’ve read "The System,"and it’s obvious to me that you haven’t.
But if you had, you would know that rough spots and partial breakups mean that the end is
coming. To you psych majors, if she’s completely and totally in love with you, she’s not
breaking up with you every other day and running off with someone else.

It may or may not be true that Jazmine is turned off because you’re not ambitious in life and
would rather hang out with your slacker bandmates. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love
says, “If she was really into you, she wouldn’t give a darn if you were a janitor.” So it doesn’t
really matter either way, because all the rough spots and breakups mean that she doesn’t have
a high level of interest in you as it is, band or no band.

One thing is for sure: Taking Jazmine back was a mistake. Dude, it’s never the same when
you break up with a babe and then get together with her again.

Let me get this straight. Jazmine has been dating and living with you for years, and she feels
bad about what she did to some other guy? Like my cousin General Love says, “So much for
loyalty.” Jazmine didn’t have a mental breakdown over your relationship problems, guy. She
had an Interest Level breakdown.

Then you and Jazmine split up again and she was right back in the arms of the so-called
rebound guy — again. You have the names mixed up, my friend. This fellow shouldn’t be
referred to as the “rebound guy” because he’s just sitting there waiting for Jazmine to get sick
of you again. She should be called the “rebound girl” because she’s the one going back and
forth like an out-of-control yo-yo.

You seem baffled by the fact that the romantic part of your relationship is as dead as
Linsanity. But the meaning of this is simple, Yukio: Jazmine’s Interest Level has traveled
south of 50%. It’s as simple as that. When her Interest Level hits the skids, she doesn’t want
to be romantic with you.

You’re stupid for being fine with Jazmine being back in contact with the rebound guy. Why
would you be OK with your girl hanging around with a guy she ran to when she broke up
with you not once but twice? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You must be a glutton for
punishment, my son.”

And don’t kid yourself for a second: Jazmine is not fine with you going back to the band, no
matter what she says.

Does Jazmine still have feelings for the rebound guy? You bet she does! That’s why she
keeps running back to him every chance she gets. What’s most interesting is that she’s self-
destructive with you but not with him. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says,
“You better watch out when she finally decides to get herself together, bro.”

Remember, guys: When they want to see other guys, you’re out.

Dating Your Friend

Hey Doc,

First off, I’d just like to say your principles are pure genius. All of my buddies swear by your
tactics, and I’ve jumped on the bandwagon. "The System" has helped me finally realize
exactly why I’m so successful with women. However, I currently find myself in a situation
I’m completely and utterly stumped by.

Lola and I have known each other since the seventh grade and been best friends ever since.
We’re both now in our 20s, attended grad school together, work together and are still
attached at the hip. I was always aware that Lola was smoking hot but I was never attracted to
her before. But recently one of the newest members of our circle of friends interrogated me
about why I had never “put the moves” on Lola. I shrugged it off, but it got me thinking, and
now I’m obsessing over her. Somehow it just now registered that Lola’s the sort of girl I
always thought I might settle down with — gorgeous, wildly intelligent, challenging,
adventurous and sophisticated.

Thus far, my course of action has been to put a little occasional light flirting into my byplay
with Lola in order to check her Interest Level, and so far she’s been immediately responsive.
I’ve been getting all the attention she gives guys she wants to date — little touches, sultry
looks, etc. Her interest in her other admirers has also dropped substantially, it seems to me,
which gives me the impression that she’s at least 60% interested in me.

Doc, I’m still hustling other chicks because I have two big issues. First, the Challenge factor
is almost completely nonexistent with Lola because she knows everything about me, and we
work together very closely, do all of our extracurricular activities together and live right next
to each other. To boot, it’s not as if I can just suddenly change how much time we spend
together. Secondly, Lola is a big player. An iron lock on her heart is something she inherited
from her father. There are few things she enjoys more than stringing a guy along for a night
before crushing him under her stilettos. And while I’m not so sadistic, I bounce girls around,
too, out of boredom. If anything happens between me and Lola, we’re playing with big fire
and there’s potential for someone to get hurt.

Anyway, despite the problems, I really want to make something work with Lola. I’ve
snuck into her affections already, now I just need to slip into the romance sector. How can
I do it? How can I challenge Lola when there’s so little space between us?

Hank - who’s exhausted and begging for coaching

Hi Hank,

You’re making a dangerous assumption when you say that Lola is attracted to you. She
might just be going along with your occasional light flirting because you two have been
friends since the seventh grade. And that’s the problem here. What you’re going to have to
do is
make all the other girls you work with laugh and flirt with you and cut down on your time
spent with Lola to see if and how she reacts to it.

Hank, how do you know that Lola is getting turned off to her other admirers? Like my cousin
Rabbi Love says, “That’s pure conjecture, my son.” You don’t know what she’s doing with
other guys when she’s out on a date with them. Your conclusion that she has 60% interest in
you has no basis whatsoever. To boot, even if she’s not interested in them, it doesn’t
necessarily mean that she’s interested romantically in you. The bottom line is this: You can’t
grade Lola’s Interest Level in you because you have never been on a date with her.

You have to reduce the number of extracurricular activities you do with Lola. And you have
to also cut the time you spend with her in general so that she has the incentive to come at you
romantically if she’s going to do it. You might not be able to suddenly change the amount of
time you two spend together, but you can turn the hose down slowly, and that’s what you’ll
have to do. To you psych majors, you don’t have to turn the water pressure off altogether —
just notch it down a little at a time. In other words, you can’t do a 180 and pretend you don’t
know Lola all of a sudden.

Lola might like to string guys along until she can crush them, but that’s not going to happen
to you because you have "The System." On the other hand, if someone does get hurt, it’s
going to be you because you go after her too quickly. If she turns you down, you’re the one
who’s going to be crushed, not Lola. She won’t be hurt at all. So don’t delude yourself that
she’s going to be annihilated if something goes wrong between you. What you also need to
do is cut way down on the group get-togethers with Lola and your large circle of friends. If
you’re with Lola, try to get her to an isolated table where she can touch your arm. Because
you’re going to have to be careful. If Lola has no romantic feelings for you and you come on
to her, you’re still going to have to work with her, remember that.

How can you be a Challenge to Lola? Start talking about the other women you’re going out
with and how beautiful they are and how much they dig you. The rule is that you shouldn’t
talk about other women, but since you’re trying to turn Lola from a friend to a lover, you need
for her to look at you in a different light.

Try to maneuver three or four get-togethers alone with Lola. See if she’s willing to do it.
Make sure you have a blast, and when it’s over say, “Gee, that was so much fun. It was
almost like a date!” Then check to see what her reaction is. If she agrees and says, “Yes, it
was,” then she digs you romantically.

Remember, guys: To get into the romantic zone, she has to see it as her choice.

Leaving For School

Hey Doc,

I’ve read some of your articles and admired some of the coaching you gave to guys in
difficult or confusing situations. I’d really like some coaching because I’m having a bit of a
problem with Diana. She’s one year older than me and just graduated from college. I’ve still
got one more year to go, and she’s taking off for Italy to do her master’s degree, which would
mean that for a rather long period of time, like a couple of years, we would only see each
other during the holidays.
My real problem is that at the time we began our relationship, Diana was already with
somebody in a relationship that had been going on for six years. At first, things were pretty
casual between us, but as time went on, it became more serious and we ended up falling for
each other. Diana told me that she wanted to end things with her boyfriend because their
relationship wasn’t going well anymore. But last week she told me that it was very difficult
to split from him and that she didn’t think she could pull it off. She asked me for a week’s
time in which she wouldn’t talk to either me or him in order to figure out what she really
wants to do with her life. But the complication is that she keeps contacting me on Facebook
or by email, and I really don’t know what to make of it. She always tells me that she’s never
been this happy with anyone else — meaning me — before and that I’m the person she loves
the most.

Doc, I could really use your expertise. Is this thing going anywhere? Do I have a fighting
chance with Diana? I mean, I really like this girl. If you think I have a chance, what would
you recommend that I do to keep her?

Prince - who’s beginning to feel tormented

Hi Prince,

Hold on a minute right here. This babe is moving to Italy? Right there you’re dead, my friend.
Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “She’s going to meet some good-looking Italian
guy and forget you in about five minutes.” Think about it. She might be traveling there to get
a degree, but like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “She can’t do nothing but
study 24/7.”

Diana’s been in a relationship with a dude for six years? In other words, what you’re telling
me is that you didn’t really start a new relationship with her because she already had a
boyfriend. To you psych majors, you can’t start a new relationship with a girl who already has
a relationship. It’s an oxymoron.

You just told me that you and Diana ended up falling for each other, and now you’re telling
me that she can’t bring herself to end it with her boyfriend of six years. So what you’re really
saying is that you fell in love with a girl who's still in love with her boyfriend. This girl is not
available.

The reason Diana couldn’t pull off a split from her boyfriend is because she has a high
Interest Level in him. If she had low interest in him, she’d drop him like the Denver Broncos
dropped Tim Tebow.

When Diana asked you for a week’s intermission from you and her boyfriend, you should
have told her, “Go back to him, stay with him and when you finally get rid of him forever,
then you can come back to me. Until you do that, I don’t want any tweets, Facebook
messages, phone calls or emails. I want you completely out of my life until he’s gone.”

Prince, this mess shows me that you’ve never cracked open my book and certainly
didn’t memorize it because if you had, you wouldn’t be involved with Diana in any way
because of she is unavailable and an utter and complete waste of time. Like my cousin Rabbi
Love says, “My son, you’re in love with an illusion.” Basically, Diana has two idiots on her
hands: you and her boyfriend. And when she gets to Italy, she’ll have three.
From now on, when Diana contacts you, don’t respond. Erase it. Delete it. That’s all you
have to do.

It’s impossible for Diana to be happier with you than anybody else, Prince, because she’s got
a boyfriend she refuses to part with. What she really means is that she’s in love with both of
you. And when she gets to Italy, she’ll be in love with a third guy and maybe a fourth guy. If
she loved you the most, her boyfriend would be history.

Where is this thing going? Nowhere. But it’s not even a matter of that. It never got started in
the first place. And if it’s going anywhere at all, it’s going to Italy.

No, you have no fighting chance whatsoever with Diana. Your odds with her are as good as
hitting the moon with a pellet gun.

You might really dig Diana, but if you’d read my book, you’d know that the man’s Interest
Level means nothing. Only the woman's Interest Level counts. And by her actions — keeping
another man in the background the entire time — you would have known that this was all a
waste of time from the get-go, and you could have been out hustling a girl who really liked
you.

There’s nothing you can do to keep Diana because you never had her.

Remember, guys: If she has a boyfriend and wants to move to Italy for a couple of years, she
doesn’t dig you.

Rationalizing

Hey Doc,

Shannon and I have been together for four years, off and on. I’m in my early thirties and she’s
in her mid-twenties. When we first got together she was getting ready to enter a four-year
graduate program over 400 miles away. I wanted to be with her and also wanted to try living
in a new area, so I searched for a job in the area of her school. She broke up with me not long
after she got to school, but we got back together. She also told me she didn’t want me to
move there on her account.

So I made numerous trips to the area for job interviews and to see Shannon. I finally got a
job a year after she left and moved there, living separately from her. Over the next two and a
half years, she broke up with me three times. I would continue to talk to her after each
breakup and convinced her she should be with me, and she agreed. I have a pretty good job
and she’s unemployed as a student, so I pay for everything when we go out. I also took her
on a nice cruise where we had a great time, as well as on some other vacations. Shannon
knows it would be hard to find a guy who treats her as well as I do.

Over time, a few things have stood out to me, though. For example, Shannon had been away
for several months in another state, away from her school, doing work related to her studies. I
drove there several times to see her, but when she finally got around to showing up, she
canceled plans with me to go with a female friend of hers to a football game. Also, twice
when she broke up with me it was on my birthday. I mean, who breaks up with someone on
his birthday?

Now Shannon is getting ready to graduate and has a job already waiting, but not in our
hometown. She just broke up with me again (over the phone while she was out of town) and
told me she couldn’t see herself marrying me. She has said this in the past because I’ve been
divorced twice and she’s never been married. But what’s strange is that just before breaking
up with me she had repeatedly asked me when I was going to ask her to marry me. She’d
been talking about wedding rings and we were talking about getting a house together. I just
don’t get it!

I want to stay with Shannon — I love her! She is beautiful and is a churchgoer. She makes me
want to be a better person. My friends tell me I should forget about her. One of my friends
even quoted you to me, “Never try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you.”

Doc, I’ve never really read your material. My friends don’t understand Shannon and they
don’t know her like I do. Am I rationalizing? Should I try to salvage this? How can I make
things work? I really need some coaching.

Redmond - who’s getting tired of going back and forth

Hi Redmond,

You didn’t really want to try living in a new area. You just wanted to follow Shannon around,
and that’s why you moved to where she was. So don’t lie to me, or yourself. You didn’t get
back together with her when you broke up, Shannon took you back. Like my cousin Fast
Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “At the time, she couldn’t find anyone else.” She told you
that she didn’t want you to move near her because she didn’t want to feel obligated because
she has Low Interest in you.

Now let me ask you this question: Why do you keep going back to someone who shows you
the door so often? Don’t you think there’s a problem in this relationship, despite the fact that
you don’t own my materials?

You should be paying for dates with Shannon, Redmond. You might treat her like a queen,
but she’s not in love with you, and that’s the only important thing. Like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says, “But when she has nothing to do and she’s broke, she uses you as her travel
agent.”

So let me get this straight. You travel all over to be with Shannon and when she finally
decides to see you, she goes off with one of her girlfriends to a football game instead. Dude,
does this girl have to drive over you with a tractor before you come to the realization that she
doesn’t dig you? All this yo-yoing does is work the male ego — yours. Shannon has you
going up and down and back and forth until you don’t know which end is up. And that’s why
you’re in your current mess.

Who breaks up with someone on his birthday? Heck, that’s easy! A girl with low Interest
Level. But since you don’t have my book, you don’t know this. Your Interest Level is 95%,
and hers is 5%. When that’s the case, she doesn’t give a damn when she breaks up with you
because she doesn’t care a bit about you or your feelings.
Now Shannon’s landed a job somewhere else. Great! Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Now
you get to give Bekins even more business.”

You’ve been divorced twice and you still don’t have my book? Like the great Doctor Freud
once said, “Some men like torture.” By the way, Redmond, your being divorced a couple of
times has nothing to do with Shannon breaking up with you every other day. One has nothing
to do with the other. If she was wild about you, she wouldn’t care if you were divorced a
dozen times.

What you don’t understand is that Shannon's a con girl. That’s why she tosses out hints about
marriage. She might want to flash around a nice ring, but she doesn’t really want to marry
you, not in the least. But you buy into her games. It’s very sad.

Shannon may be a saint and she might even get you to go and help out the homeless next
weekend, but when a girl breaks up with you 38 times, don’t you think it’s time to move on?
How many times does she have to dump you before you get it through your head that she’s
a whack-job?

And now you're telling me you’ve never read my materials. What a surprise! I’m shocked,
Redmond! I’ve got news for you: Your friends actually do understand Shannon. They’re
trying to do you a big favor. So you have it completely backward — you don’t understand her
and they do.

Are you rationalizing? Let me answer this way: When you look up the word “rationalize” in
the dictionary, there's your face as the prime example. No, you shouldn’t try to salvage this
thing because there’s nothing to salvage. You can’t make things work with Shannon because
she doesn’t dig you. You don’t need coaching, pal. You need to move to a new city and forget
this babe. And while you’re at it, you’d better get your hands on my book, "The
System," ASAP.

Remember, guys: When she breaks up with you more than five times, she’s trying to send you
a message.

Mother Issues

Hey Doc,

My family and I moved to America eight years ago. My problem is that I’m very shy around
girls. I haven’t had a single date since moving here, nor do I have any friends who are girls.
I’ve become somewhat antisocial and I blame my parents, especially my mother, because they
make such a big deal out of whenever I try to go out with my friends. They want to know
where I am and who I’m going with, and they make me call them when I get there and again
when I’m leaving. All these restrictions make me very angry. Also, I have an accent that kind
of keeps me from talking to girls. I’m afraid I will sound weird to them.

Right now I’m working with my mother, helping her with her housekeeping business. One of
our clients has a daughter, Ellie, who I really like. Whenever she’s home when we come to
clean the house, she says hello and is very nice. The problem with me asking her out or for
her phone number is that my mother is always with me and because of my job. I know
housecleaning is not the best gig for a guy, but I don’t have any other choices right now as
I’m in college.

I found Ellie’s profile on Facebook, but I don’t want to add her to my friend list, because it
will look like I’m stalking her. So basically I’ve got multiple problems, not the least of which
is asking my employer out for a date. Would Americans view this as crossing class lines?

Doc, what should I do? By the way, I’ve been reading a lot of your columns and as a result
have gained a lot more confidence around people.

Russ - who doesn’t know how to safely cross the line.

Hi Russ,

When you say that you’re very shy around girls, it means you fear rejection. To all you psych
majors, if you knew that girls liked you, you wouldn’t be so afraid of them. If you knew they
dug you, you would ask for their phone numbers and call them and you wouldn’t be bashful
about it. So shyness is really just a fear of being spurned. The way to get rid of shyness once
and for all is by memorizing my book. Remember: “The System” is the single greatest
weapon a man can ever have when it comes to winning with women.

Now, Russ, it’s obvious that you have a major problem with your parents. But as they are
paying the rent, the utilities and feeding you, they get to control you like a slave, which is
basically what your mother is doing. As long as you live with them, you’re trapped. Like my
cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Yo mama should be a prison guard.”

Why are you fretting over your accent? Let me explain something to you: many women
think that accents are very sexy. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says,
“Having an accent never hurt Arnold Schwarzenegger for a second.” So you’re worrying
over nothing, my friend.

When it comes to Ellie, here’s what you have to do. You have to tell your mother that you’re
attracted to Ellie. Then ask her if she thinks it would be OK if you asked Ellie out. You have
to get permission from your mother first because she’s running the show and it’s her
business. You can’t just go and tamper with someone else’s business.

Russ, until you move out of her house, your mother is going to dominate you, and if you don’t
make the move, she’ll dominate you for the rest of your life. So as soon as you graduate from
college, get out of your parents’ house and live on your own in a situation where you don’t
have to answer to anyone but yourself. At the same time, it’s good that you’re working and
going to college. There’s nothing better than that, so stop apologizing for it. But you do have
to take steps to ensure yourself an independent future.

Of course you don’t want to look like you’re stalking Ellie, but that’s exactly how it’s going
to come off because you don’t even know her, guy. You haven’t asked her out yet, but even
if you did, you wouldn’t want to be entwined with her on Facebook. Remember: the less she
knows about you, the better. On the internet there is absolutely no privacy. Privacy is dead in
cyberspace, and the loss of privacy is one of the deadliest enemies of Challenge.
Don’t worry about the so-called “class” differences between you and Ellie. In America, class
lines don't matter as much as in many other places.

What should you do? Like I said earlier, the very first thing you have to do is go and talk to
your mother. Ask her if it’s okay for you to invite Ellie out on a date. If she says no, there’s
nothing you can do as your mother is basically in charge of your life at the moment. If she
says yes, ask Ellie for her phone number.

I’m very happy that you’re benefiting from my columns, Russ. But just imagine if you had
"The Dating Dictionary" — how much more confidence you’d have around women.
Unfortunately, you’ll have little success with the opposite sex until you get my book.

Remember, guys: If you live with a domineering mother, you can’t make a move.

Doc Love: Getting Stood Up

Hey Doc,

Marla, who works where I do, always showed a lot of interest in me. She told me that I
needed to be on the morning shift so she could see me more often, that she’d like to cook me
dinner sometime, gave me compliments and so on. We were getting along great! We have
similar interests and liked the same music, etc.

I made plans with her on Facebook to get together but she said she was too busy. She has a
kid, so it was totally understandable. A few days later I saw her at work and got her phone
number. She lit up my phone with text messages, and we talked on the phone a few times.
We went out once — it was supposed to be just Marla and me going to dinner and then to
shoot pool — but she mentioned that her sister just got back into town and wanted to meet for
happy hour first, so I agreed to the arrangement. But a few more of her friends showed up
and then the suggestion was made to see a band at some club, which was OK. We kissed
before going home.

Marla texted me compliments on my kissing and said she couldn’t wait to see me again. She
wanted me to come over to her place late at night, but then changed her mind because she
didn’t want her son to see a strange man in the morning, which was also reasonable, I
thought. We made plans for the following Sunday. She went out partying all that weekend
because her ex was watching her kid. Sunday came and I got no response to my texts
confirming our date. I headed to our agreed meeting place anyway, assuming she’d show up
and explain the situation. She never showed. Later that night I sent one last text message
saying I hoped she was all right.

On Monday when I saw her at work she said, “Sorry, everything’s OK. My phone was lost
and dead. Want me to get you some coffee?” I didn’t fully believe her but figured I’d give her
the benefit of the doubt. I asked her what she was doing on Wednesday — knowing that’s a
day she doesn’t have her kid — and she said “hanging out with you.” On Tuesday we left
work together but she was shy about kissing me before we parted. That’s when the contact
stopped again. She ignored me all day Wednesday, was out of work Thursday because her
kid didn’t have school and Friday I only saw her briefly and gave her a wave. Two hours later
she
texted me happy birthday and said she was sorry about Wednesday. I responded, “Thanks. No
big deal.”

When I saw Marla the next week I asked her why the change in behavior. She said she would
explain it sometime outside of work. Doc, I tend to believe that she met someone else and
didn’t know how to tell me. But I’d much rather hear the truth then be stood up repeatedly and
play head games — it’s just rude! Should I bother confronting Marla again? Ignore her? Or
just act as though the past month and a half never happened?

Fuzzy - who can’t figure her out

Hi Fuzzy,

When Marla told you that she wanted to cook you dinner, why didn’t you name a date and
nail it down? That’s what you should have done. But the first time she told you that she was
too busy to get together, she was out. No ifs, ands or buts. Here’s the rule: You ask the girl
out, and if she refuses or doesn’t counteroffer, it's over. The rest of your story means
absolutely nothing.

Marla might have a kid, but you’re rationalizing when you say it’s understandable that she
was too busy to see you. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “There are things called
babysitters out there.” Maybe you’ve never heard of them.

You shouldn’t have yakked on the phone to Marla, pal. You should have just made a date
with her when you had her on the phone.

It was a mistake to agree to an arrangement for a group date. And by the way, who do you
think invited Marla’s friends on that date? You didn’t, right? What does that tell you, Fuzzy?
What it tells me is that Marla wanted to be with her sister and friends at least as much — or
probably more — than she wanted to be with you.

You made a “definite maybe” date with Marla for Sunday, which was another mistake. I can
tell you have no clue about "The System," dude. And what did you have when she didn’t
show up? Another broken date.

When Marla asked if you wanted coffee, you should have said, “Yes, and don’t forget the
cream and sugar.” And then you should have written her off. Why are you giving this girl the
benefit of the doubt all the time? There is no doubt about anything, pal! She doesn’t dig you.

You’re supposed to kiss a girl at her door, not at work, Fuzzy. But it doesn’t really matter,
because for the next three days after not showing up for your date, Marla dodged you. Wow.
I can see that this babe is deeply in love with you. Her actions just scream “high Interest
Level!”

When you say that you think Marla met another guy, it shows me how much you don’t know
about women. Marla has no interest in you whatsoever, therefore you have to concoct another
guy and place the onus of blame on him. To you psych majors, this is one of the biggest
rationalizations that 90% of men make. They simply can’t admit to themselves that a woman
has low Interest Level in them. It’s always some other guy or some other situation that’s to
blame. And you’re doing it too, Fuzzy, because your ego can’t stand the hard light of the
truth.

Marla isn’t being rude to you, my friend. You’re just asleep and not seeing what’s directly
in front of you. Should you confront her again? You’d be better off going into the bedroom
and talking to the wall. It would be more effective.

No, you don’t have to ignore Marla now. Just smile, say hello and keep walking. Don’t even
grant her 30 seconds of your time. The sad part of this situation is that you have to work
with her.

Remember, guys: When she screws you around, she’s not interested.

Pleading

Hey Doc,

I need a slap in the face. I left my wife a year and a half ago. We have an 8-year-old son. I am
still legally married, but I started dating Chantelle during the breaking-up stage with my soon-
to-be ex-wife. Chantelle’s 21 and I’m 38. It’s a 17-year difference, and some might call it my
midlife crisis, but, honestly, her age has rarely come up.

Chantelle broke it off with me just recently. She took the high road and wanted to be friends,
but I told her that it would be too hard for me. The next day she removed me from Facebook
and then told me that it was so we could both heal from the breakup. I told her I didn’t want it
to end, that I wanted to work on things and that in no way did I want her out of my life. The
next morning I asked her if I could call her, she agreed, and we had an hour-long talk. I
sobbed, pleaded with her and tried to convince her to take me back. Her reason for the
breakup is that I’ve dragged my feet on the divorce, and she felt like it was making her resent
me. Also, we were only able to see each other once a week, and she just didn’t think she
could have a relationship with me anymore. I then sent her a long text pleading with her not
to do this and not to throw away a year and a half.

I spoke to another dating doctor who told me to send Chantelle a very simple text saying I
wanted to see if she is willing to have a controlled and calm talk. She responded that she
didn’t know if it was a good idea since she had said all she had to say.

I haven’t texted or called her since. Doc, am I a lost cause? I love this girl, can’t stop thinking
about her, can’t sleep and can’t eat. I miss everything about Chantelle: her bright smile, her
laugh, her hand running through my hair. Please tell me there is hope, because I don’t want
any other woman in my life.

I know I gave Chantelle all the power in this situation when I showed my hand. I probably
would have had a better chance if I had stuck with the colder approach, but I shattered at the
thought of her being with someone else, which I suspect is the case anyway. I know I need to
get a copy of your book, regardless of whether we get back together or not. But some
immediate coaching would be a huge help. I know Chantelle needs space, but I’m concerned
that the space might give her license to move on and forget about me.
Keefe - who has already lost 14 pounds

Hi Keefe,

The very first problem you have is that you’re not available. To you psych majors, when you
date a girl when you’re still married, it means you’re not legally on the market.

Your second problem is that Chantelle is all of 21 years old and you’re pushing 40. Come on,
guy. What are you doing? What are you thinking? If the age difference was 41 to 58, you’d be
OK. But Chantelle is just 21 — she’s a little girl. Haven’t you ever thought about the disparity
in your life experiences? The age difference might not ever come up in your mind, but what
about in hers?

Chantelle didn’t take the high road with you, pal. She showed you the Rejection Road. And
she’s not “healing” from this breakup — you are. You’re the one who’s in pain, not her. Like
my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You might not want her out of your life, but she sure
wants you out of hers.”

Naturally not getting a divorce made Chantelle resent you. She was in love with you and
thought you were going to get free of your wife, and you didn’t. If you’re going to divorce
your wife, divorce her. If you’re going to keep her, keep her. You can’t have it both ways,
man, and you want it both ways. And I won’t even mention the fact that your kid is almost as
old as Chantelle.

The other dating doctor’s advice was worthless. Chantelle told you in no uncertain terms that
you were out, but you went to this other coach for help and the result was that you only ended
up begging some more. What kind of strategy was that? Did you really think that begging a
woman for attention is going to raise her Interest Level? Chantelle is not telling you that she’s
confused like a lot of women will in the same situation; she’s telling you that you’re out —
history. So what’s the point of more begging?

Are you a lost cause, Keefe? Yes, sadly, when it comes to Chantelle, you’re a lost cause. I
can’t tell you that there’s hope for you because there is absolutely none. Forget the so-called
colder approach. You should have stuck with "The System" approach, but you don’t even
have the book. You’re going through all of this hell, but you’re not reading my book, so there
can’t possibly be any hope for you because you don’t have a clue what to do.

Of course Chantelle is with another guy. She’s a good-looking 21-year-old. She’ll have
a good-looking 24-year-old guy in no time flat.

You’re not going to get my book, Keefe. You say you will, but even in a state of crisis, when
you’re practically starving yourself to death, you haven’t had it overnighted to you. So don’t
lie to me, buddy.

Chantelle doesn’t need space. She’s already moved on and she’s already forgotten about
you. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You’re a dollar short and a year late.”

Remember, guys: Never try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you — especially
when she’s young enough to be your daughter.
Her Scars And Baggage

Hey Doc,

I’ve been studying “The System” for a year now and have read the book four times thus far.
I’m in a bit of a situation that I can’t quite find a solution for.

Leslie and I have been dating for a year and a half. She has self-esteem issues, as she doesn’t
seem to believe any compliment I give her and always complains about her body image. To
top it all off, she is bombarded with so much family drama that every time we hang out I find
myself feeling uncomfortable just because I know I can’t really keep things light and funny.
Other than this, she is a beautiful, down-to-earth girl. And she’s a giver, maybe too much. She
thinks about everyone before herself. She is also above average on the flexibility scale.

Now here’s where I get confused. Leslie shows all the signs of someone with low self-esteem.
According to your book, these women do not usually respond well to challenge. This is not
always the case with Leslie, though. Whenever I’m a challenge with her, her attention to me
is incoming, but she opens up a lot less about her family dramas. This gives me the illusion
that things are better in her life, and that being a challenge is actually doing its job. But
recently she messaged another guy and told him that he makes her feel like talking about all
her issues and opened up to him about the heavy stuff she used to open up to me about.

After seeing those messages, I started to feel really uncomfortable. Out of fear, I loosened up
on being a Challenge. Leslie opened up to me again, but I found that this led to us getting
more and more familiar with each other, which according to your book breeds low Interest
Level. I noticed that she was taking more and more things for granted.

I told Leslie I was confused and needed space. She got defensive and demanded an
explanation. I told her that we’ve become too comfortable with each other. She responded
with more questions, and I ended up being a wimp. I said she doesn’t respond to me the same
way she did in the past. She said she was tired of having the same discussion. Then she said
that she herself wants time to think about our relationship. See what she did there, Doc? She
turned the tables so now it’s as if she’s the one who wants the breakup.

I’m freaking out because I don’t want to lose Leslie. I can hear you saying “Why are you
freaking out after not talking to her for two whole days? WIMP!” Well, it’s because I’m a
nice guy at heart, and now that the tables are turned, it feels like I’m the rejected one even
though I brought up the idea of a break in the first place. I don’t know what to do from here.

If Leslie calls me, should I lay off the Challenge card and answer her right away? Is she just
one of those girls that “The System” tries to weed out? If not, then maybe this whole situation
is nothing but a realization on her part of low Interest Level. On another note, I am the only
guy since her high school days to land a long-term relationship with her. Then again, she’s
dated lots of people, so maybe she’s just a professional dater.

One final thing. Leslie came across your book one day while snooping around my computer.
She read some of it and said, “It would never work on me.”

Sidney - who needs a new strategy

Hi Sidney,

Of course you can’t keep things light and funny with Leslie because of her various emotional
and psychological issues. This comes under the heading of scars and baggage, which is
covered in my book, but you didn’t read it thoroughly enough. The problem is that you can’t
change scars and baggage, and Leslie’s relationship with her family is going to affect you. It’s
obvious that Leslie has high Interest Level in you and that she’s a flexible giver, but her scars
and baggage are going to be your burden for the rest of your life if you stay with her.

Sometimes Leslie responds to challenge, but sometimes she doesn’t. Well, it doesn’t matter
because she has low self-esteem. When a woman has low self-esteem, you have to let her go.
So you’re trying to rationalize here. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You’re off on a
tangent and can’t see the forest through the trees.” When you talk about challenge working
or not working, it’s really a non-issue in this case, because you’re talking about something
that has no relevance to the main problem, which is Leslie’s scars and baggage.

Let me ask you this, guy: Why are you playing Leslie’s psychiatrist? According to my
rules, you’re not supposed to be a woman’s shrink or girlfriend. Are you sure you bought
the right book? Because it’s all in the Dating Dictionary, my friend. I suggest you go back
and look.

This other guy has nothing to with anything. He’s not a factor at all in this situation. What is
an issue, again, are Leslie’s scars and baggage. Let me explain it this way. Challenge works to
raise interest level. But Leslie already has high Interest Level in you. But she also has scars
and baggage and that’s the problem.

Why are you so confused when you have my book? You have the key to the kingdom in your
hands, but in a year you only read it four times. The essential guidance for how to handle
Leslie is all in my book, but you’re not going to get it on just a couple of readings, pal.

Of course Leslie is tired of having the same discussion. You’re supposed to keep things light
and funny, but all you two do is engage in heavy arguments. Dumb.

You can’t lose Leslie because you never had her in the first place. Like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says, “When you have a girl with scars and baggage, all you’ve got is a bunch of
problems.” That’s what you don’t seem to understand. Her problem isn’t Interest Level and
attitude — it’s scars and baggage. You keep harping on something that’s a non-issue.

Women don’t like nice guys at heart. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says,
“Nice guys are weak guys.” Why do you think women prefer bad boys over wimps? Because
bad boys have a backbone, that’s why.

Yes, “The System” tries to weed out girls like Leslie. That’s one of the many things it’s
supposed to be used for. But you didn’t get rid of her, so you didn’t follow the rules. And she
isn’t a professional dater. You’re grabbing at straws here. She’s just loaded down with scars
and baggage.

Leslie’s wrong about “The System” not working on her. If you’d followed my principles, you
would have eliminated her from your life and it would have worked on her the way it was
supposed to.
Remember, guys: You will pay for her baggage for the rest of your life.

Too Good Looking

Hey Doc,

I have an issue that you may or may not have encountered before but that I'm sure is rare.

I’m a 25-year-old male, 6’2”, tan, hazel eyes, with good hair. I’m what women awkwardly
refer to as a beautiful or gorgeous man. (Note: None of this was said to toot my own horn, but
rather to paint a picture for context.) I am well-spoken and have plenty of friends, male and
female alike. I love to network and socialize and have a natural knack for people.

Women I'm interested in, on the other hand, seem to be a different story. My issue is that
they always assume I am a bad guy or a player. I constantly hear that I must have a line of
babes waiting to get a shot at me, but, sadly, it just isn’t true. Due to this erroneous
assumption, I can never seem to get a fair shot at dating a decent woman. They always
project their insecurities on me as if we were in grade school all over again. They come on
way too assertively to compensate for who they assume I am, or else they will be so coy that
it makes things awkward. The more laid-back and calm I am, the more it intimidates them. I
can never seem to find a confident woman who will just walk up to me and say, “Hi, how are
you?” or just simply know how to handle starting a conversation with me.

I’d like to think I have the answer to this dilemma, but it is very obvious that I do not. What
is a humble, tall, dark and handsome man (I’m being sarcastic here) to do when all the
available women think that there’s already some gorgeous woman getting played by me. I
have to add
— and I’m being completely honest here — that I am what you could call shallow. I am
attracted to very beautiful women who are fit, exotic-looking and have light eyes and good
skin. Maybe this is a contributing factor as to why I am having such a hard time finding “the
one.”

Orlin - who has a problem other guys would kill for

Hi Orlin,

Hey, you sound like the perfect male! You’ve got looks, you’ve got height, you’ve got hair,
and you’re a social butterfly. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “So where’s the
problem, paisan?”

When you complain about being seen as a bad guy or a player, I have to ask you this, my
friend: What kind of woman are you dealing with? Certain women might see you as a male
model or an aspiring actor, but they have no right to think of you as anything, including a bad
guy or a player or a wallflower. Those women are stupid.

By the same token, why in the world wouldn’t you want people to think that you have a line
of beautiful babes waiting for a shot at you? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East
L.A. says, “You don’t have to apologize for being so lucky.” Even if you were nothing but
an average-looking guy, I want you to have the image of a man who is successful with
women. There’s certainly nothing wrong with that.
When you say that you never get a shot at going out with a decent woman, I wonder if you’re
only going after beautiful women who have nothing at all going for them but physical beauty.
And like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “How many beautiful women are decent?”

As far as projecting insecurities is concerned, I’ve got news for you, Orlin: Women do this in
their relationships with average-looking guys all the time. They don’t just do it with
handsome guys. Do you really think that if you were merely an average-looking dude,
women wouldn’t project their issues? You have a lot to learn, guy. To you psych majors,
women always come on with a game face. You’re no different, Orlin.

Pal, maybe you’re looking in all the wrong places for a good woman. There are self-confident
women out there. How can you reach the age of 25 and never meet one confident woman
whom you’re attracted to? And why are you waiting for them to come to you? You can
approach them, can’t you? Like my cousin General Love says, “Don’t ride on your looks,
soldier; ride on your work.”

What’s a handsome guy to do when everyone thinks he's playing some babe? Like my cousin
Brother Love down in Watts says, “This is what you want, bro!” If you’re a good-looking
guy, why wouldn’t you have a gorgeous woman after you? This will make you even more
enticing to all the other babes out there, no matter how handsome or average-looking or
homely you are. And you’ve got it all, Orlin. You’re great-looking and all the girls think
you’re being chased. That’s the image you want — and you’re complaining about it. Huh?

OK, so you’re shallow, Orlin. I give you credit for being honest. But if you’re only going
after women who belong in Elle magazine, you’re going to have a tough time finding
someone who’s confident, self-reliant and has true self-esteem. The problem is that you’re
limiting yourself to very beautiful women, so out of 100 women, maybe two or three are
going to match your physical ideal. If you limit yourself to three women out of 100, you’re
going to have a tough time finding a woman. Why don’t you look for someone who’s very
attractive instead of very beautiful?

Remember, guys: if you’re too good-looking, it’s not a problem.

Her Interest

Hey Doc,

I have been reading “The System” in hopes that I can win back the woman that I want to love
for the rest of my life. I am so confused as to what I should do and I think you could definitely
coach me.

Here’s the situation. Both myself and Sara are 20 years old and going into our junior year of
college. We’ve been dating for 16 months. For most of our relationship her Interest Level has
been high. She has dropped hints at a “future out of college” with me. I always avoided
talking about it because I didn’t feel the same.

Recently I have realized that Sara is the girl I want to be with for the rest of my life. My
problem is that now she doesn’t feel the same. I did the worst possible thing and told her she
could be the one for me. From that point onward things have been going downhill.
About three months ago Sara brought up the idea of a break for a full year since we will both
be extremely busy (she’s an engineering major and I am in Army ROTC). She also told me
that she wants to see if she can balance things in her life without me for a while and that she
wants to experience college. She says she still loves me, she just doesn’t “love love love” me.
She wants to take the break to see if she can find that kind of deep love for me.

I told Sara that I won’t wait around on a leash for her to make a decision. We have two
options: She is either ready to be with me out of college and marry me or we break up. It has
hurt to realize that I have stopped being a Challenge to her. How I got her to date me in the
first place was by playing hard to get and since I never revealed my feelings to her I was
always a Challenge.

Doc, how do I get Sara’s Interest Level back up to where it used to be? This is the girl for
me. I know she still loves me, I just need her to “love love love” me.

Thanks for taking the time to coach me.

Ward - who feels like fighting

Hi Ward,

The first major problem you have is that at 20 years old Sara is nothing but a kid
emotionally. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “When she’s that young, she’s going to
change her mind like the wind and when the tree falls, it’s gonna fall right on your head.”
“The System” addresses the risks of dating girls of a certain — very young — age. You
must have skipped that part, pal.

You say that most of the time Sara’s Interest Level was high, but yours wasn’t. Let me ask
you this: Why were you with her in the first place? If she didn’t interest you very much, there
must have been a reason. Were there red flags that bothered you? Did you ignore them?
Why?

But then you suddenly turned around and realized that you were in love with Sara. What
happened, man? What did Sara do to change your mind? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love
says, “Youth is fickle.”

But now unfortunately for you Sara doesn’t feel the same anymore. That’s because you
lowered her interest level, my friend. You don’t tell me in your letter what you did wrong, but
rest assured that you were doing enough to lower Sara’s Interest Level over a significant
stretch of time. This catastrophe didn’t happen overnight. To you Psych majors, a woman’s
interest doesn’t drop from 89% to 35% overnight. Every mistake a man can make with a
woman is detailed in “The System.” You obviously didn’t pay close enough attention to what
you were doing with Sara.

When Sara told you that she didn’t feel the same, you immediately went into desperation
mode and blabbed that she was the one for you. But it didn’t work because you were already
on the slide with her and didn’t know how to stop it.

Then she brought up the idea of a full year’s break. Dude, you could use more like a 10-year
break! She protested that she will be extremely busy and wants to see if she can “balance
her life” without you around and experience college — which is Womanese for going out
with a
whole bunch of other guys. You’re finished with Sara, guy. What does she have to say for
you to get the hint?

When Sara says she doesn’t love love love you, it means she has no interest in you
whatsoever. When she claims that she needs a break to find out if she can locate a deep love
for you, what she’s really saying is that she’s going to look for a deep love without you in the
picture. In other words, she’s going to start checking out other guys as soon as possible if she
hasn’t already.

Then you got tough with Sara and issued her an ultimatum: marry you or break up. But your
macho ultimatum was really a tumble into complete Wimpdom because you have long
since ceased being a Challenge to Sara.

How do you get Sara’s interest back up to where it used to be? Sadly, you can’t because
you’ve allowed it to fall below 50%, which means you’re out. Nevertheless, you insist that
Sara still really loves you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “How naïve,
man. She’s so in love with you that she can’t wait to not see you for a minimum of 365 days.”

Remember, guys: when she wants to take a break from you, what she’s really saying is
that you’re out.

On To The Next

Hey Doc,

First, I would like to say that I love reading your columns and they have helped me in
more than one situation in my life. But I’m in need of some coaching.

I recently came out of a three-year relationship. The breakup was tough, but I moved on, and
now I’ve decided to get back into the game. Last week I got my first date. Kirsten is a
colleague of mine, and I have been attracted to her for a while now. We’re both 26. For the
last year we have seen a lot of each other and gotten along well, but I never made a move
because I was in a relationship.

Finally, I asked Kirsten out on a date and she said yes. I picked her up and she looked
smoking hot! We went to a fine restaurant, the evening went well, we laughed, had great
conversation, asked questions about each other, etc. Afterward, we went to another place for
drinks. I got signals like good body language, looking into my eyes, playing with her hair,
etc. Of course I picked up the tab both times. I dropped Kirsten off at home, said goodbye (I
didn’t kiss her because it didn’t feel right yet) and she said she had a good time and that we
had to go to the movies together soon.

Doc, I thought it was a done deal! I waited a few days, called her up for a second date and she
said yes. The second date was basically a replay of the first. So when I took her home I smiled
and went in for the kiss. But she pulled away and totally rejected me. Then she told me that I
was just a good friend and she didn’t want to ruin that. I was shocked because I thought I read
everything right.
The only thing I can think about what happened was that I went in for the kiss too soon. And
on the first date I only gave her one or two compliments and spoke a lot (though mostly about
her). And on the second date there wasn’t as much flirting and some of the conversation got
heavier. For example we have different views about religion (she brought this up), but I
changed the topic ASAP.

I am confused by the fact that I got such strong signals from Kirsten and the dates went well
90% of the time (or so I thought). Doc, what went wrong? What should I do now? Since
Kirsten said she wants to be friends, should I let her go and move on to the next girl? I don’t
think chasing is the right thing, even though I like her a lot. And what about the fact that
we’re colleagues? We don’t work in the same department, but I will see her nearly every
day.

Buster - who’s doubting his own judgment.

Hi Buster,

I’m glad that my columns have helped you so much, but can you just imagine how many
more life situations you would be able to master if you actually had my book?

Why were you spending time with Kirsten when you were involved in another relationship?
When you like a woman, do not spend time with her unless you’re dating her. And why did
you go to another place after dinner on your very first date? When you first start dating a
woman, you don’t go to two different places. You go to one place, and that’s it. To you psych
majors, you want to leave the girl high on you after your date; you don’t want to wear out
your welcome.

Guy, if you had my book, you would have known not to kiss Kirsten on the first date. You
wouldn’t have had to guess, which is what you did. This is one of the basic rules of “The
System,” but since you don’t have it, you’re lost and groping in the dark.

But you talked about going to the movies when your first date wasn’t even finished. Another
mistake. Why in the world are you talking about the future already, Buster? You’re absolutely
slaying challenge here. Kirsten should have been wondering whether or not you were ever
going to call her again, and here you are already planning what’s going to happen at some
point down the road. Are you sure you’ve even read my columns?

You thought it was a done deal with Kirsten — after one date. Dude, after one date, nothing
counts. Nothing counts at all until you get to 10 or 12 dates with no red flags. But you rushed
right in and called her in a couple of days when you should have waited a week. Buster, you
didn’t have enough time in with this babe to make an accurate judgment about whether this
thing was a done deal or not. If a guy goes out with a girl once and has a great time and
another guy goes out with a girl 10 times and has a great time, which one has the more
accurate read on her?

Going in for the kiss had nothing to do with what happened here. You wore out your
welcome with Kirsten by being her “girlfriend” even though you had a girlfriend. And that’s
where you blew it.
The reason Kirsten wasn’t flirting with you on the second date was because she already
thought she was just going out with a friend. But at least you did one thing right when you
changed the subject when the talk got around to religion.

What should you do now? Forget Kirsten — she doesn’t dig you. Most importantly, get my
book ASAP. Of course you have to move on to the next one. Why would you want to keep
someone who doesn’t want to keep you? Kirsten is not interested in you at all — and she told
you as much. You might like her a lot, but it’s the woman’s interest that counts, not yours.

Remember, guys: When you work together and break up, you will have to see her every day.

Flings

Hey Doc,

When Mariela was in the USA, we dated for a year. I met her at a party at a time in my life
when I was still using "The System." We knew that she was due to leave the country, so it
was supposed to be a perfect little fling for both of us. And it was great for a while, but then I
messed up. I enjoyed hanging out with her too much and she slowly moved into “girlfriend”
status. When I realized this, I tried to get out. I said to her a few times, “I don’t think what we
have is a good idea.” We would be sad for a few minutes, but then it would be forgotten and
we were back together.

Anyway, I started getting deeper and deeper into it with this girl, even though I knew our
future was impossible. I couldn’t help it and lost control of the situation. Since Mariela left
the country, it’s like my world has been turned upside down. We never actually “broke up.”
We just assumed that both of us would move on after she left, but now it’s a year later and
neither of us has. We were a great couple forced to make some serious decisions really
quickly because of immigration laws, and I just was not in a life position to do that (I’m in
my early 20s and marriage seemed about as desirable as having children). So I left it up to the
powers of the universe.

Well, the powers of the universe have given me anything but a straight answer. On the one
hand, they have made it extremely difficult for Mariela to visit the USA (she hasn’t been able
to despite several legal efforts). On the other hand, those same powers have handicapped my
ability to meet another girl (my social circle is moving on, growing up, etc.), and I can’t bring
myself to get back into "The System" mode and actually close on another girl because
Mariela would consider it cheating.

Doc, I need to do something with my life because I’ve just been lingering for the past year. I
have a few weeks off before I leave for grad school and Mariela has a week off from her
schedule at the same time. We have one chance to see each other again, and it's up to me. But
by going overseas and seeing her, I feel like I’m losing all control of the situation. I’d be
staying at her place, in her city, at my own discretion (I can’t even say I’m on a business trip
or something). I feel like that violates every rule of “The System.” This is a great girl, and I
can’t seem to break up with her. But by going to see her, I feel like I’m going “all in,” and
that scares me. Any advice?

Swain - who doesn’t want to live with regrets

Hi Swain,

Let me explain something to you. “Flings” aren’t always the safest things. Like my cousin Sal
“The Fish” Love says, “Sometimes you fall in love with a fling.” So you did indeed mess up.
Your Interest Level shot way up, but Mariela’s not an American citizen. Then you tried to get
rid of her but couldn’t. Like my cousin General Love says, “Sounds like you’re a real strong
guy.” Self-control is one of the main principles in “The System,” and you don’t have any. I
suggest you start using “The System” again, my friend.

You might have thought that you would both move on after Mariela left the country, but when
it comes to a relationship, you should never make any assumptions. You certainly can’t
assume that both of you had the same agendas. Mariela might have been thinking something
entirely different than you were since she was going back to the old country.

To you psych majors, you should never marry someone just to keep her in the country, which
was one smart move on your part. Because doing something like that is pressure. It’s a rush
job. Whenever you have pressure and a rush job, you’re going to screw up in a relationship.
Instead you left it to the powers of the universe. In other words, you said to yourself, “I’m not
going to take control of myself and make the right choices according to the rules of "The
System." But we already know that because you don’t have any self-control.

Why are you worrying that Mariela will think you’re cheating on her if you go after another
girl? You have to get something straight here, dude: Mariela is gone. She was gone from the
very first day you met her. You should have considered her immigration status when you
started this fling, Swain. There’s a chapter in my book about long-distance relationships.
Apparently you skipped that one. I suggest you go back and read it. You had my material in
your hands, but you didn’t really perceive it. You might have read it, but you didn’t grasp its
meaning and that’s why you’re in the fix you’re in. What doesn’t make any sense is that you
said that you were using “The System” at the beginning. Your problem isn’t dating other
girls, Swain. Your problem is getting it through your head that Mariela is gone once and for
all. When you do, you’ll be able to move on and hustle other women.

It’s not up to just you whether to travel overseas and see Mariela. It’s up to both of you. She’s
in favor of your visit because you’re going to her home turf. But if you do, you’re wasting
your time and money. You should take that money and sign up for dance lessons so you could
pick up another woman.

Guy, you’ve lost all control of this situation already. You’re so out of control that it’s not
even an issue anymore. You’re doing nothing but beating a dead horse by visiting Mariela.
You’ll go to see her, you’ll come back and then what? You’re right back where you started,
except that you’ll like her even more and you’ll be in a deeper hole — financially and
emotionally.

Of course this trip to see Mariela would violate every rule of “The System.” But since when
did you care about “The System?” You’re going off on a tangent when you say that you’re
afraid of going “all in.” This girl digs you, but the problem is that she’s not a U.S. citizen and
you’re not a citizen of her country. You knew that from day one, the day that you met her, but
you just wanted to go out and party, and now look at what’s happened. Like my Uncle Jethro
Love says, “You got a case of ‘sneak-up love.’”

My advice? Memorize my book and save your airfare.

Remember, guys: If you know that she’s going to leave the country, don’t give her your heart.

Dating At Work

Hey Doc,

I bought the “The System” a few years ago and have been using your concepts with a decent
amount of success with women. However, I would like to get your take on my current
situation.

I have worked with Sofia for the last few years. I wanted to date her but couldn’t due to a
company policy against interoffice dating. I know that Sofia had interest in me too, not just
from her flirting and stopping by my office to visit fairly regularly, but because she told a
couple of other employees that she was interested in me. Both of us dated other people until I
recently ended my latest relationship a couple weeks ago. But Sofia is still dating the same
guy she’s been dating for a while. She told a buddy of mine at work that she is not that
serious with him and that they are dating just casually. I can tell that this guy is trying too
hard because he sent flowers and gifts to Sofia at work.

Anyway, I just left the company for a new job. I could still feel a relatively high Interest
Level from Sofia as recently as two weeks before I left, but she seemed especially distant the
very last week that I was there, so I held off on asking her out on a date. We still talked to
each other, but she did not make as much of an effort to visit my office and chat like she
normally did. A couple of days before my last day, she told me that “men only go after
something when they know they can’t have it.” Also, on my last day of work, she had her
boyfriend come by the office to pick her up for lunch. Out of the blue, she called me into her
office, saying that she needed my help with something. Her request seemed unnecessary, and
when I went to her office the boyfriend was there waiting for me to finish helping Sofia
before they went out to lunch. It seemed that she just wanted me to see this guy there with
her.

I have to add that before picking up with her current guy, Sofia recently broke up with
another boyfriend who stalked her and it resulted in a restraining order. This might explain
why she was acting coolly to me. Or is it possible Sofia was just acting this way during my
last week to ensure my Interest Level in her remained high, so that I might still pursue her
after I left the company? In other words, was she just playing hard to get? I am thinking that
maybe I should wait a few weeks for things in her life to cool down and then ask her out,
assuming she is not that serious with her current boyfriend. Do you agree?

Antonio - who needs a strategy

Hi Antonio,

Why in the world are you talking to other employees about a woman you potentially want to
date? It’s one thing for you to get information about Sofia from these people, but you’re not
supposed to give them anything in return — it will inevitably be misconstrued and result in
problems for you. To all you psych majors, talking to people at work about your love life is
very dangerous.
If Sofia’s telling people that she is only dating her current boyfriend casually, it means that
she’s just waiting for the next turkey to come along and her current guy is already on the way
out. But you’re still getting all this information secondhand, Antonio, so who knows what you
can believe? This is another problem you encounter when talking to others about your private
affairs — you never get a straight story.

You made a mistake in not asking Sofia out on a date while you had the chance. As soon as
you knew you were leaving the company, you should have asked her for her number and
figured out if she was for real or not and if her boyfriend was actually on the way out. The
only way you could have done that was by simply asking her for her number and judging her
response.

Sofia’s statement that “men only go after something when they know they can’t have it” is a
crock. That statement has nothing to do with anything and doesn’t relate to you in the least.
Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “It’s a platitude that means nothing.”

Why would Sofia want her current boyfriend to see you in her office? What was her
motivation in setting that scene up? You’ve been working with her for years, right? Like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Sometimes she just wants you to come over and fix her
computer.” You’re just grabbing at straws here, my friend.

Then you try to tell yourself the fact that Sofia was stalked by some maniac has been
influencing her behavior toward you. This is just nutty, Antonio. She’s dating a new guy, isn’t
she? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Apparently she’s not afraid of
men.” Again, you’re clutching at straws.

Now you’re trying to convince yourself that Sofia's using her current boyfriend to make you
more interested in her. This doesn’t fit your logic because, by your own admission, she was
already acting coldly toward you during your last week of work. When a woman shows
Inconsistent Behavior, it means she has a low Interest Level. Again, you’re trying to make
nothing into something.

Sofia isn’t “playing” hard to get. She is hard to get because she has a low Interest Level in
you. On the other hand, you never asked her for her phone number and asked her out, so all of
the garbage flowing through your mind about this woman is nothing but conjecture. Like my
cousin General Love says, “You’re grabbing at a plank of wood like a drowning man.” Are
you sure you've read my book?

You’re not supposed to wait for anything now, dude. Just call Sofia and ask her out. If she
says she has a boyfriend, flush her number down the toilet, forget her and go on to the
next one. You had your shot.

Remember, guys: Don’t try to second-guess her motives; just ask her for her number.

Lost Interest
Hey Doc,

I faithfully follow your articles and know you have fantastic advice. Sometimes it’s harsh and
hardly ever what a guy wants to hear, but I know it’s always true.
Anyway, Ali and I had been together for a year and a half. Her Interest Level was absolutely
through the roof because I used Challenge to great effect. She was constantly talking about
how crazy in love with me she was, saying I was “the one” and bringing up marriage and
kids at least once a week, although I thought we should take things slow and not rush into
anything. After dating for a year she thought it would be a great idea to move in together. I
badly wanted to, but I knew that based on your advice it might just be too soon. When she
begged and pleaded and got upset, I gave in and didn’t stand my ground like I should have,
mostly because I got caught up in my own Interest Level. By the way, at this time I thought
for sure this was the girl I would one day marry and spend my life with. I was crazy about her
too.

Almost immediately I saw a change for the worse. I enjoyed living with Ali and thought we
were getting closer. However, I noticed her interest fading. I worked a lot and she spent a lot
of time at home by herself. I could tell she was getting lonely. Even though I tried to make
enough time for her, she still craved more than I could ever give. To fill the gap she started
talking to friends. One was a guy who she swore (and I really believed) was nothing more
than a friend. I have a lot of friends who are girls, so I figured that Ali was allowed to have
guy friends, too.

One day, after coming back from an outing with friends, Ali cried for hours and confessed
that she and the guy had kissed and nothing more. She said she felt bad because for a split
second she had felt something for him but immediately turned that feeling off. I thought that
this was most likely only a fraction of the true story. After she begged and pleaded, I chose to
let it go. I didn’t want to ruin our entire relationship because of one stupid mistake.

After that, things were good again and I honestly don’t know how she could have possibly
been any sweeter, more giving or a better girlfriend. I truly thought her Interest Level was at
99%. Maybe I got busy or just failed to keep watch, but somewhere along the line it dropped
down after a few months. Eventually she said the dreaded words: “I need time to figure out
what I want and to be myself for a while.” She claimed it was too much work trying to get my
attention. She recently moved out and is living on her own.

Doc, I feel like I had “the one” and I know I made a mistake with the maintenance, but
looking back, I really have to wonder what I could have done to make it better. I have two
questions. How do you ever keep things exciting and keep her Interest Level up when you
live together or get so close? It seems near impossible to use Challenge in a relationship like
this. Secondly, should I try again to make this work with Ali or forget her and move on? She
claims she feels we are still meant to be and hopes we can refuel our fire together. She calls
all the time and I do actually feel a spark coming back, but the big elephant in the room is that
we separated, and from what I understand once Interest Level has dropped so low it’s gone
forever.

Melo - who had it all and lost her

Hi Melo,

Let me say something to you guys out there. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts
says, “The truth always hurts.” Other love doctors lie to you and try to make you feel good.
They tell you that you’re doing the right thing when you’re not. I always give it to you
straight.
Most guys get caught up in their own Interest Level, my friend. When a guy’s interest is
beyond the stars, what happens is that he starts rationalizing and giving in and losing his
backbone — then she loses respect for him.

You have to ask yourself why Ali’s interest in you faded. Were you still a Challenge to her?
That’s the key here. To you psych majors, if you continue being a Challenge, she won’t get
bored. But in this case, Melo, you also had a needy woman. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
from East L.A. says, “That’s the last thing you want to marry.” Ali should have had her own
life. You missed a big red flag there by not sensing that she'd be lonely without your constant
attention.

It was a mistake on your part to be so nonchalant with Ali’s guy friends. And she didn’t need
to do more than kiss this other dude. Kissing a guy when she’s supposedly in love with
someone else shows that she has no loyaty. Dude, you should have thrown Ali out in the
street when you found out!

You had no choice but to ruin your relationship with Ali after one stupid mistake, guy. What
you’re missing is that this girl doesn’t have a life when you’re not around her, and she
therefore has to fill her time with another dude. What made you think she was going to stop
doing that? When Ali kissed that other guy, her Interest Level in you was not at 99% — it’s
an impossibility. And when she moved out, you were out forever, so everything you say and
do with her afterward is a complete waste of time.

You just said what your problem was: You made a mistake by not using the maintenance
program. But again, this babe was a lonely girl to begin with. And that’s the problem — she
had no life of her own. What a girl like Ali does is make you the center of her attention, and
then she takes her neediness out on you and drives you crazy. Then she kisses other guys.

How do you keep interest alive when you’re in such close proximity? Very easy — use the
maintenance program in “The System.” It’s not hard to maintain Challenge if you memorize
my materials.

Should you try to make it work with Ali or move on? Melo, what’s the matter with you?
Apparently you didn’t read the chapter in my book on going back. Ali might swear that you
have a future together, but remember that with her mouth she said she loved you, but with her
feet she moved out. And don’t forget that you didn’t “separate.” Ali dropped you. She moved
out and left you. Yes, her interest is gone forever — and even longer than that.

Remember, guys: When the ether wears off, it’s over.

Dating Your Best Friend

Hey Doc,

I’ve fallen hard for a close friend of mine, Ashley. We are both in our early 20s (she’s a year
older than me). We have a lot in common, so we spent quite a bit of time together, and I
began to have feelings for her. Over the past 10 months, we’ve become extremely close, to
the point where we know each other better than anyone else. There were times when we
would
end up sleeping at the same apartment after a party and we would get a little romantic, but we
would never talk about it afterward because we were best friends.

I finally got the courage to tell Ashley that I had strong feelings for her and that I cared
about her, and she said she felt the same way. The only problem was that she wasn’t ready
for a long-term commitment, even though I was. I told her that I understood and we
continued hanging out together.

Then Ashley started to act differently. I found out that she had been seeing another guy, and
even though we weren’t dating, it still hurt a lot. We talked one night, and I explained to her
that I understood she didn’t want something long term, but that I couldn’t wait forever. She
said she knew it wouldn’t last long with this other guy and that she was willing to hurt him
but not me, because she cared about me more. She said she didn’t want to hurt me by
continuing something that she wasn’t ready for and that she didn’t want to ruin something
special that we could have in the future.

Doc, what are my chances of stealing Ashley away from this other guy since he doesn’t have
much time with her? She continues to tell me that she loves me and cares about me more than
anyone she has ever met. She said she knows we will end up together for a long time at some
point. But I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I do love Ashley, and there is no one
I care about more. She is my best friend, and I can’t imagine going on without her in my life
in some way. Yet I know the only way I will ever get over her if I can’t have her is by letting
go of our friendship and pushing her out of my life until I feel like I can handle it. This is the
hardest decision I have ever had to make, and I know letting go would probably mean the end
of our friendship. What do you suggest I do?

Simmons - who is hanging by his fingertips

Hi Simmons,

Your first mistake was falling for a friend. Your friend should fall for you instead.

You and Ashley might know each other better than anyone else in the whole world, but don’t
forget for a second that you are in friendship mode. To you psych majors, the friendship
mode is not the dating mode. It might be the dating mode in your mind, but it’s not in hers,
and that’s what’s important. In other words, you’re Ashley’s girlfriend. Not boyfriend —
girlfriend. The problem with being best friends with a girl is that one of the hardest things to
do in life is to transition from best friend to boyfriend. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from
East L.A. says, “The odds are 1 in 100, baby.”

You should never have discussed your feelings for Ashley, pal. I see that you don’t have
“The System” — otherwise you wouldn’t have made such a basic blunder.

But you insist that Ashley feels the same way as you do. Really, Simmons? If she isn’t ready
for a long-term commitment, then she doesn’t feel the same way about you. You should have
stopped hanging out with her when she told you that.

Ashley didn’t start acting differently when she took up with this other guy. She was just
following her true romantic Interest Level in you, not her friendship level. You have the two
mixed up.
But you told Ashley that you couldn’t wait forever for her. So you’re giving a girl who’s
seeing another guy an ultimatum? This really makes a lot of sense, Simmons! If she cared
about you more than this other guy, she wouldn’t be seeing him at all. But she swears that she
doesn’t want to ruin your relationship by dating. Like my cousin General Love says, “Gosh,
and I thought politicians knew how to lie!”

This other guy isn’t your problem, dude. The problem is that Ashley has a low Interest Level
in you as a boyfriend. And that’s what you don’t seem to grasp. And you don’t grasp it
because you’re friends with Ashley. You keep getting the two — friend and boyfriend —
confused.

But Ashley continues to tell you that she loves you and cares about you. Simmons, when a
girl loves and cares about you, she doesn’t see other guys behind your back. And, by the
way, this girl is very loyal, in case you haven’t noticed.

Sure, you and Ashley will end up together for a long time at some point — like, maybe in the
year 2054. That being said, it’s true that she’s your best friend, and that’s all she’ll ever be.
Sadly, Simmons, you’ll never be able to handle it with her.

What should you do? Face reality and stop seeing Ashley.

Remember, guys: to go from a friendship to romantic love is nearly impossible.

Dealing With Red Flags

Hey Doc,

I’m confused and need some coaching.

I’ve been with Kelsey for a year. She’s everything I could ask for in a woman, and I love her
very much. A couple of months ago, she traveled to another state to do a six-month
internship. I didn’t object to it because I felt like I could trust her and didn’t have to worry
about anything. She always told me that she loved me with all her heart and that I’m her soul
mate.

I went to visit her for a weekend, and she confessed that during the time between breaking up
with her ex-boyfriend and getting together with me, she was a promiscuous woman. Finding
this out was a blow to me, but she assured me that it was a rocky time in her life, that it was
her way of coping and that it’s in the past and that I have nothing to worry about. We worked
things out and I put my trust in her.

Lately, Kelsey has been having fits of depression. She recently admitted that two weeks ago
she cheated on me. She went to a club with her friends, got drunk and had a one-night stand
with a stranger and spent the night with him at a hotel. I wish I could describe how much this
has devastated me. I guess she tried to make me feel better by telling me that she didn’t enjoy
it, but that didn’t really comfort me.

I am confused about whether or not I should give this woman another chance. I love her a lot,
but I don’t know what to do. She assures me that this will never happen again and that she
feels horrible about betraying me. She even claims she’s not going to drink anymore either.
What would you advise, Doc?

Elton - whose heart has been ripped out

Hi Elton,

You might think that Kelsey is everything you want and love in a woman, but what does she
love about you? Is her Interest Level in the 90s, like yours is? Does she have a great
attitude? Is she a flexible giver?

You couldn’t object to Kelsey’s going away for six months for her career. She had to go,
regardless of your approval. If you would have told her to stay, you would have come off as
an unsupportive idiot. So this situation had nothing whatsoever to do with you, guy.

It’s sweet that Kelsey called you her soul mate, but her confession has you thinking about her
past behavior all the time. All Kelsey did was move the load from herself to you, and now the
whole thing is on you. Isn’t that great? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Some
women are really stupid when it comes to making confessions.”

But then she assured you that you have nothing whatsoever to worry about from her high-risk
past behavior. In other words, when she’s stressed out and she has lots of problems and she’s
trying to cope, she just runs around with as many different strangers as she can.

What do you mean that you two worked things out? That’s not what happened at all, dude.
Kelsey begged and kissed up to you and you took her back — that’s what really happened.

Now this gem of yours is having fits of depression. Which means she’s due to go out and kiss
some strange men, right? She admitted to you that she had a drunken one-night stand at a
seedy hotel with some anonymous guy she picked up in a bar.

So now you’re absolutely devastated. Rightfully so. I feel very sorry for you, Elton. I know
how you feel. You can’t sleep. You think about Kelsey and what she might be up to all the
time. You think about her in the arms of another man and it absolutely kills you. When you’re
not feeling that way, you’re hollow. I’m sorry that you have to go through this. But if you
would have read Kelsey more quickly, you would have picked up on all the red flags sooner,
and you would have gotten rid of her a long time ago.

Telling you that she didn’t enjoy her one-night stand was small comfort, as you say. But it’s
nice that Kelsey toughed it out while she was forcing herself to be intimate with this stranger.
It must have been really hard for her to go through the experience.

Should you give her another chance? No. She’s had all her chances. You don’t know what to
do? It’s simple: Get rid of her. Pull your Interest Level out of the 90s, get my materials and
move on.

But Kelsey assures you this will never happen again, huh? She gets an A for assurances, but
an F for follow-through! I’m sure she feels horrible for betraying you, but not quite horrible
enough not to do it. And she’s not going to drink anymore? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
from East L.A. says, “Just wait until the next party!”
My advice? “Adios, baby!”

Remember, guys: Sometimes when they’re away, they’ll play.

She Was Dumped

Hey Doc,

I have been dating Lacey for a few months. She was recently dumped by her boyfriend. At the
beginning, it was light and fun between us, because she was doing the chasing, which she
mentioned she never had to do before. Before I knew it, we got very romantic with each
other.

I went on vacation to Hawaii not long ago. Lacey stated that I was being “distant” because I
never phoned her but only texted. While I was gone, she attended a wedding that her ex-
boyfriend also attended. She said she confronted him about his cheating with another woman
while they were together. The air was allegedly cleared, and Lacey’s ex told her that he was
dating the other lady now and that he was happy. Lacey mentioned that she was seeing
someone else – me — and apparently he flipped and got angry.

When I got back from Hawaii, Lacey picked me up from the airport, but she seemed a bit
different. We have hung out a few times since then, but it has been rough. We had a
miscommunication when she thought I wanted to be more serious with her but was, in fact,
fine with what we had.

Supposedly the heartache or anxiety of getting dumped by her boyfriend has started to creep
into her mind. I’m confused. I never said once that I wanted anything serious with Lacey and
she keeps insisting that she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. I know this is some kind of
Womanese on her part and I called her on it, which may or may not have been a good thing.

Doc, I do like Lacey. It’s a lot of fun hanging out with her. I know that Interest Level cuts
through everything, but is recent breakup anxiety, or whatever it is called, a common
occurrence? Any coaching you can give would be much appreciated, because I am not sure
how much time I have left with this girl if my next move is wrong.

Gabor - who can’t figure her out

Doc Love's Response

Hi Gabor,

How do you know Lacey was recently dumped by her boyfriend? That’s only what she told
you. You don’t actually know the facts of the situation because you weren’t there. Sometimes,
when a girl tells you she’s been dumped, it was actually she who did the dumping. It’s just
her perspective that she’s been dumped. In other words, she may have made the guy so
miserable that she forced him into doing the dirty work so she could keep her own hands
clean. This is one possibility that you’re missing here, Gabor. On the other hand, when Lacey
mentioned that she had to chase you, it shows the power of Challenge and how effectively it
works.

Why was Lacey complaining that you didn’t communicate with her when you were in
Hawaii? You might not have used the telephone, but you were staying in touch. So she laid a
trip on you that you didn’t deserve. If you’re texting her, you’re not being distant. Using the
telephone might be a little stronger, but she could have just asked you to use it if she
preferred that method of staying in touch. To you psych majors, when a woman’s not getting
what she wants, she can’t expect you to read her mind. Lacey should have simply asked you
to phone her instead. The truth is that Lacey was the one who wasn’t communicating because
she didn’t tell you what she wanted. In which case you would have of course told her that you
would be happy to phone her instead. But in the end, here’s the most important point: Lacey
concocted an excuse to get angry at you because her Interest Level was dropping.

This babe should have never talked to her ex at the wedding. If it was over between
them, why was she interacting with this guy? Why prolong it if she supposedly digs you?
What happened at the wedding should have been telling you something, Gabor.

And why did her ex get bent out of shape? He’s got a new girlfriend, so why should he flip
when he heard about you? He’s nuts, and Lacey’s nuts for confronting him. But here’s
something else: This is all Lacey’s interpretation of what was happening. Like my cousin Sal
“The Fish” Love says, “You don’t know what part she left out.” And like my cousin Rabbi
Love says, “The sin of omission is major.”

The reason Lacey seemed different when she picked you up at the airport is because her
Interest Level had dropped dramatically. Her demeanor wasn’t a “bit” different; there was a
big difference. It’s rough hanging out with her now because her Interest Level is in the 60s
and it’s heading straight for the 40s.

Lacey’s supposed “breakup anxiety” doesn’t make any sense at all. If she liked you but you
were just a rebound and were using “The System,” she would be easier to deal with. But you
have a whack job on your hands, my friend.

When Lacey says that she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, it’s because she’s still interested
in her old boyfriend. She’s trying to rationalize her feelings, but her interest in you has taken a
dive or it was never even there in the first place. So forget the breakup-anxiety excuse, dude.
Lacey isn’t over her ex, and that’s the central problem here.

You don’t have any time left with this girl, Gabor. She doesn’t dig you. She’s just on the
rebound, and, like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “You happened to be the wall
she bounced off.”

Remember, guys: When you go out with a girl on the rebound, you have to go in extra, extra
slowly.

An Older Woman

Hey Doc,

I bought “The System” several years ago and thought it was full of great information. I
prefer to get my dating/relationship coaching from a male perspective, which is why I’m
writing you.
While living overseas, I met Cara, who was a 7 out of 10. However, I noticed some wrinkles
on her face, which made her look a little older than her actual age, and it turned me off as I
didn't want to date an older woman. She is 40 and I am 34. But I got to know her and we had
great chemistry. I started seeing her on a regular basis, to the point where I was staying at her
place most of the time. She treated me like a king, was a giver like I’ve never met before,
flexible, a great cook and had integrity. I decided to move in with her for a month before my
return to the States. It was my first time living with a woman and part of my decision to move
in with her was out of my curiosity to see what would happen.

I got to know Cara better during that time, and her interest stayed in the upper 90s. I didn’t
show her affection in public because I didn’t want my friends to think that she and I were
boyfriend and girlfriend. She told me that I hurt her feelings by not being proud to be with
her. We had discussions about why I was not ready to begin a relationship with her and I told
her that it was due to the age difference. I did not have the guts to tell her it was her facial
wrinkles that turned me off, but I think she picked up on it. She kept insisting that age should
not be an issue and that I was missing out on a great relationship.

In the meantime, I got attracted to Gina, a girl in my dancing class. She’s my age and was also
attracted to me. The catch is that she’s married and can barely speak English. I was turned off
when I found out she was married and did not want to get involved with her, which made her
come on to me more. As time went by, I couldn’t resist her advances and we ended up getting
romantic a couple of times before I returned to the States.

It’s been almost a month since I returned to America, and I’ve been in touch with both Cara
and Gina via email. I pretty much know that my relationship with Gina will not take me
anywhere. She’s not available, does not have integrity (I am guilty of that myself) and we
wouldn’t be able to communicate much. She’s not in love with her husband, but I doubt she
will get out of her marriage easily. Cara, on the other hand, is waiting for me with open arms
and is ready to start a relationship that will lead to a family.

I feel that I already failed my loyalty test to Cara. At the same time, I see this as a valuable
lesson: I should be with a woman I feel passionate about or else the chances of me cheating
on a woman I just settle for will be high.

Doc, I don’t think my passion for Cara is going to increase to the same levels I feel for Gina.
However, I am aware that looks aren't everything and as the years go by, what really counts is
a person’s character and values. But I don’t want to be in a marriage in which I will not be
happy, like most people out there. I know that if I keep blowing Cara off, she will eventually
move on and I would hate to miss out on the possibility of a great relationship with her.
Should I stay with Cara (and her wrinkles) or should I find a younger woman (say, 24 to 31) I
am passionate about and hopefully possesses the same great qualities Cara has demonstrated?

Avery - who wants to find the right mix in a woman

Hi Avery,

You’ve got two problems with Cara. No. 1: You don’t like her face. I don’t know what you
were doing with her in the first place. You don’t have high interest in Cara. You’re just
wasting her time. Secondly, when you moved in with her, you really misled her. She thinks
you’re really interested in her and you’re not. You just moved in with her for the hell of it,
and you’re going to end up breaking her heart. That is not what “The System” is about.
What’s more, if you’d read my book, you would know that Cara didn’t pass the Physical
Attraction Test. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Her face is wrinkled and
you don’t like it, man.”

Then you refused to show Cara public affection. Well, you shouldn’t show affection publicly
because displays of affection are supposed to be private. Are you sure you read my book?
And of course you hurt Cara’s feelings because she sensed you weren’t proud to be with her.
She knows that you don’t like her face. You don’t realize how much you don’t like Cara’s
face and that’s your problem, my friend. You might be enamored of her character, but your
interest is only 55%, while hers is way up in the 90s.

When you told Cara you couldn’t get in a relationship with her because of her age, that must
have made her really feel great! Women dig talking about their age, especially when they’re
older than the guy they’re in love with! You were very, very thoughtless there, Avery. Of
course she picked up on the vibe that you don’t like her face — she’s not stupid, after all.

So what did you do? You jumped to Gina, who isn’t available and can’t even speak English.
Wow! Pal, you definitely did not read my book 15 times like you were supposed to. Now let
me straighten you out on something. “The System” is not to be used for adultery. You
shouldn’t have committed it with Gina. And why would you be attracted to someone who
would commit adultery? That’s another problem you’ve got here.

Cara might be waiting for you with open arms, but you don’t go for her face. So what you
have now is a woman you're not attracted to and a married woman.

Of course you have to be with a woman you’re passionate about, guy. Your interest in Cara is
55%, but it should be 85%, and it’s not, because of her face. You keep dancing around the
wrinkle issue. You keep thinking that Cara’s great except for her age crevices.

The fact is that you’re really not aware that what counts is a woman’s character and values. If
she were 10 years younger, her wrinkles wouldn’t be there, right? And what about you?
You’re going to have wrinkles as well in another few years. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
“You have to look in the mirror, my son.”

You have to get rid of Cara because you’re wasting her time and hurting her feelings,
and “The System” is not about hurting women. You have to find another woman, but it has
to be someone two to four years younger than you, not someone who’s 24 or 25. That’s way
too young. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “A 24-year-old is going to look
at you as an old man, bro.”

Remember, guys: If you’re not physically attracted to her, don’t waste her time.

Turned Off

Hey Doc,

Emma is 23 and I’m 25. We met, I closed, got the number, waited six days or so to call and
landed the first date. At all times, I kept things light and funny and under an hour, and I was
given plenty of buying signals. We’ve had eight dates since then, each ending with a
passionate kiss and a smile. I waited a week between each date to call or set up another one.

Our last date was shortly before Christmas. I told Emma that I was going to be out of town for
the holidays. The only contact we had was when she texted me “Happy Birthday, sir,” on my
birthday, which was December 30th. I responded with a “thank you,” and mentioned that I
thought it was very thoughtful.

I got back into town and called Emma the day after New Year’s and left a message. Several
days went by and I didn’t hear back from her. This was very different from her previous
behavior, as she would always call me back immediately.

I know I should have waited a week and tried Emma again, but I decided to text her. I asked
her if she was free on a certain day to get together. She responded that she was busy with
work and didn’t give me any counteroffer of any kind. Now any further attempts to contact
her have either been met with a vague response or no response at all.

I know this is a bad sign, but, Doc, I’m so incredibly confused. I can usually tell if I’ve
messed up in some major way, but what am I missing here? I have eight dates in with this girl
who always displayed consistent behavior, and now this? I know you say that you don’t
count anything until 10 or 12 dates, but there has to be some sort of reasoning or logic behind
this.

Could Emma be punishing me because I didn’t contact her for 13 days while I was out of
town? I wanted to wait until the “jinglebells” were out of our heads and the holidays
were over to contact her.

If you could help me make sense of this, Doc, it would mean a lot to me.

Kyrie - who thought he did everything right

Doc Love's Response

Hi Kyrie,

The fact that Emma isn’t responding to you now is indeed a huge red flag. She’s been very
consistent for eight dates and now, for some reason, she’s getting turned off of you — or she
was already turned off.

What I notice, however, is that through these eight dates Emma never asked you to be her
boyfriend. Usually by the time you’ve got eight dates in with a babe, she’s asking you that all-
important question: “Are you seeing anybody else?” And Emma didn’t do that. This is
something you should have picked up on, pal. It was another big red flag.

The fact that you can now hardly get a response out of Emma after practically begging her to
talk to you means that you are on the way out. Now, assuming that you were doing everything
by “The System,” you have to keep in mind that some babes will go out with you even when
they have little or no interest in you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says,
“What they’re doing is just wasting your time until something better comes along.”

And I’m also wary of Emma’s age. She’s only 23. In other words, she’s still a baby. I wish
she were a couple of years older and more mature because, as I point out in my book, from
the
ages of 18 to 22, girls don't really know what they want. Emma’s right on the border of that
age range. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “At that age, their brains aren’t fully
formed.”

“And now this?” you ask after consistent behavior from Emma for eight dates. Unfortunately,
the answer is yup. I’ve seen girls flake out after 18 dates, my friend. You’re not going to find
the reason or logic that you’re searching for here because you never established a beachhead
with Emma. To you psych majors, the more time you have in with a female, the better it is for
you because you have a bona fide track record. Your situation is akin to that of a guy who has
made only two payments on a five-year car loan vs. someone who has made 30
payments. Even though they’re both on time, the guy who’s made more payments has a much
better credit rating.

It is certainly possible that Emma is punishing you for not contacting her over the Christmas
holidays. But she wasn’t your girlfriend, as I’ve pointed out, and like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says, “She could have contacted you. The phone works both ways.” Waiting for
the “jinglebells” to be out of her head was a good idea, but you told her that you were going
out of town, so you were covered. But if Emma is the ultra-sensitive type and you didn’t
email her every other day and gush about how much you missed her, it might have been a
problem.

In the end, though, I’m leery of Emma’s age and the fact that she never asked you to be her
boyfriend, like I said earlier. Those two factors were enough to do you in. Now you have
to move on to the next girl, Kyrie. Make sure this one is more mature.

Remember, guys: The more time you have in with her, the safer you are.

Past Love

Hey Doc,

Let me start by saying that I consider you to be the single source of truth when it comes to
love and relationships. I purchased and studied "The System" and faithfully follow your
weekly columns. I cannot thank you enough for putting love and dating into perspective so
that I could be in a healthy relationship and become a productive member of society.

My issue is more on the “love” side than you typically address, but I figure this is a matter
that afflicts everyone at some point and has far-reaching ramifications. Some 21 years ago,
fresh out of college and in the Navy, I met my “first love,” Kelly. After nine months of bliss,
I was sent away for 14 months to a remote island for duty. We tried to keep our relationship
going, but then a great career opportunity arose in which I had to go back for more lengthy
training. However, at about the same time, her letters stopped flowing. In short, the distance
took its toll. Challenge was not there, interest dropped and, when I finally got back, Kelly had
moved on. As an emotional basket case, I made your classic Wimpus Americanus mistake
and wrote her a babbling letter. Fortunately, I had some good friends who prevented me from
trying any sort of contact with her. I missed Kelly to no end but forced myself to move on.

Fast forward 10 years. I’m out of the Navy, have a graduate degree, international and
domestic career experience and a couple of broken relationships, and I got wise with your
guidance. I met an absolutely wonderful woman, Morgan, and we’ve been married for seven
years and now have a newborn son. Just recently my father passed away and I had a chance to
reflect. I began to think about Kelly. I searched the internet and found that her mother had
passed away recently as well and that she's married with three sons.

This whole thing has unleashed all kinds of emotions. I have rewritten a short letter to Kelly
over and over expressing my condolences with a small personal touch and am now
comfortable with it. I have not sent it because I have some reservations, which is why I’m
soliciting your coaching. The left brain cautions: What would your wife think, what do you
really hope to happen and why play with fire? The right brain pushes in the other direction:
You are doing this for you and what better time to get closure for the both of you?

I’m somewhere in the middle. Personally, I would like to know the facts of what happened
between me and Kelly and simply process them. I have no intention of jeopardizing anyone’s
relationship and, at the same time, am concerned about how my letter would be received. I
realize that this is not a question of Challenge, but of Interest Levels.

What do you think, Doc? Should I contact Kelly and resurrect the past?

DeMarcus - who can’t decide which side of his brain to go with

Doc Love's Response

Hi DeMarcus,

First of all, I want to thank you for having the ability to set your ego aside and come to me
humbly. And let me point out that all I do is address the “love side” of relationships, from
asking for a girl’s phone number all the way to staying out of divorce court. That’s all got to
do with love, my friend.

The reason the letters from Kelly stopped flowing to you was because she ran into another
guy. To you psych majors, when you’re not right in front of a girl and you’re thousands of
miles away on some remote island, she’s going to run into somebody else. I concur that you
had some really good friends who prevented you from trying to see Kelly, because that would
have been the stupidest thing you could’ve ever done in your life.

Let me explain something to you, DeMarcus. When you’re going with a girl and then join the
military and disappear for six months to a year, it’s going to be extremely hard to keep her.
Like my cousin General Love says, “When you enter the military, you shouldn’t even have a
girl.” It’s really tough to be away from a girl for that long. She’s going to go out with her
girlfriends, then meet her girlfriend’s boyfriend’s best friend, and then the four of them are
going to go out. In the beginning, there’s nothing to it; then, all of sudden, she has feelings for
the guy and you’re toast. This sad story has been told a million times.

Now, I feel badly that your father passed away, but what does that have to do with Kelly?
Trying to put the two together is a real stretch. When you went to search for Kelly on the
internet, right there you were committing “cyber adultery.” Now you’re trying to bring up the
past, and the past is dead and gone.
You might be comfortable with the letter you wrote Kelly, but would she? I can just hear her
now: “Who’s this guy coming at me from the past? I barely remember him!”

Your brain might be at war with itself, DeMarcus, but let me assure you that the left side is
the side doing the right thing. Why are you talking about closure for both of you? Kelly’s
already had closure. When she got rid of you she had closure. This thing was over 20 years
ago, man!

This is why we have the Bottom Line Factor in “The System.” The Bottom Line Factor says
that you’re never going to try to understand why she did something — you’re only going to
go by her actions. And what were her actions? Kelly dropped you. You were too far away
and she met another guy. End of story. There’s nothing else to understand about this
situation.
This thing was dead from the beginning because you were away in the military.

If you send the letter you wrote, you’re going to come off as a loon because Kelly’s happily
married to some other guy. And the reason you want closure is because she dropped you. If
you had dropped her instead, you could care less about closure. You have to memorize my
book because your thinking is way off.

Should you resurrect the past? No! What is Kelly supposed to say? “I always loved you deep
down so I’m leaving my husband and I’m going to go with you? So get rid of your wife and
kid, and I’ll come to you and be in your arms?” That’s what you’re hoping for, dude, and
you’re full of it.

Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Don’t rock the boat.”

Not Available

Hey Doc,

Greetings from a humble disciple. I met Carla at my job. She is the most beautiful girl on the
floor and every guy just stares at her and talks about her. But that’s where it ends, because
they never actually talk to her. Well, I consider myself a self-confident guy and never had
trouble with women, so I started making jokes with Carla. It was really innocent, because I
had a girlfriend at the time and did not want to cheat on her, so I never crossed the line.

A few months ago, Carla and I began to talk a lot. She started touching me and even hugged
me. I really thought it was nothing. Looking back, I was a big Challenge to her. The only
problem is that she has a boyfriend.

A month ago, I broke up with my girlfriend and I realized how much I wanted to be with
Carla. At that moment, we were exchanging emails and she was giving me all the indicators
of interest. Three days later, I told her I was single. She was shocked because I never talked
about my relationship with my girlfriend, even though she used to tell me a lot of horrible
things about her boyfriend.

Well, we went out after work. The excuse was that I had to buy a gift for my mother for
Christmas. She started touching me again. After some small talk, I told Carla I was through
with the jokes and that I wanted more. I tried to get closer to her, but she asked me not to do
it. She said someone might see us. Then she said it was wrong, that she wouldn’t be able to
cheat on her boyfriend, that we started as friends and should stay that way. After all this, she
kept saying things to turn me on and even grabbed my butt. I kissed her neck, bit her ear, and
she asked me to stop (but she wanted more because she pulled me closer).

Trying to stay a Challenge, I stopped. In the end, Carla told me I should wait a bit, because
we could be together when she broke up with her boyfriend (if that ever happens, I know). I
answered that I wouldn’t wait and she could be a friend, since we couldn’t have anything else
and it was better than not talking.

Our contact has pretty much ceased now. I know she will have trouble resisting me if we
meet, so I have to create an event where we could go out and have a little time to be together.

What I really don’t know, Doc, is how to behave. Am I being a total jerk? Did I create enough
Challenge? Is Carla really interested in me but just having problems cheating on her
boyfriend? What do you think? What could I do to get her?

Billy — who feels a little sleazy

Doc Love's Response

Hi Billy,

You say that you’re my disciple. That means you’ve memorized my materials, correct?

Let me point something out to you right upfront. The jokes you made to Carla were not
innocent. You wanted something from her, Billy. So don’t try to snow me, okay?

That said, your first mistake was talking to Carla. You shouldn’t be talking a lot. You should
be listening a lot when you’re in front of her on a date, not blabbing all kinds of garbage to
her before you go out on the first date.

How can you be a big Challenge to Carla when she already has a boyfriend? She’s the one
who’s the Challenge — because she has the boyfriend! Are you sure you’re my disciple?

Why did you tell Carla you were single? You’re not supposed to be bringing up heavy
subjects, Billy. All you should have done was ask for Carla’s phone number. That’s the
procedure. You get the phone number, ask her out, and if she doesn’t have a boyfriend, she’ll
give you the right answer.

But here you are flirting with a girl who’s not available, guy. And since she’s not, you have to
disappear. You can kid her occasionally for 30 seconds or so, but that’s it. You give her no
more time than that until she tells you, “Guess what? I broke up with my boyfriend.”

It was a complete waste of time to go out with Carla after work. Worse, you told her you
didn’t want to joke around anymore and that you wanted more. Another huge mistake. You’re
not supposed to come on serious and heavy, pal. She should be coming on heavy and serious
with you. More mistakes!
When Carla asked you not to get close to her, right there you were dead. What does it mean
when she says don’t get close? To you psych majors, it means she’s not interested and/or she
has a boyfriend.

Carla might have bit your ear, but she’s not leaving her boyfriend. That’s the main point here.
You’re getting a hug and a kiss, but Carla’s not leaving her guy. And why are you all over a
woman who belongs to someone else? She’s not available!

Let me repeat this again, Billy: You’re not a Challenge if Carla has a boyfriend. You can’t be,
by definition. Sure, you can be together if she dumps her boyfriend. But like my cousin Sal
“The Fish” Love says, “When’s that going to happen — 30 years from now?” Are you really
going to wait in the wings for Carla and not date anybody else until she dumps her boyfriend?

The reason your contact with Carla has ceased is because you blew it with her instead of just
flirting with her casually at work and waiting for her to tell you that she got rid of her
boyfriend. That’s what you have to wait for now.

So forget about creating fake events. Carla doesn’t want to go out, which she told you twice.
Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Barring a miracle, you’re out.”

Are you being a total jerk? Yes. Did you create enough Challenge? In this case, Challenge
isn’t an issue. It doesn’t make any difference if Carla is having problems with her boyfriend
because she’s not going to drop him.

Billy, you’d better reread "The System" ASAP because you missed 90% of it. You can’t be
my disciple and still make the number of basic mistakes you’re making.

Remember, guys: If she has a boyfriend, she’s not available.

Get Her Back

Hey Doc,

I dated Ava on and off for three years. We weren’t compatible, but she said she wanted to
spend her life with me. The biggest factor in these breakups was that she talks — a lot. Just to
hear the sound of her own voice. She’ll tell you the most minute detail of the most inane
things and will believe it’s meaningful dialogue. I never learned how to deal with it and I’m
not sure I can.

When we got back together after our last breakup, Ava became pregnant with my child. When
she told her family she was pregnant, the first thing from the lips of her family was, “Did you
do this to trap him?”

Our son is now a year old. We had an agreement that if it was a boy, I would name him, and
if a girl, she would. The day he was born, her sister posted a Facebook photo I took of him
with a name his mother had unilaterally chosen without ever speaking to me about it and was
totally different than what we had agreed upon for six months. I freaked out, a huge fight
ensued and we’ve been officially broken up since that day.
Ava and I have had our time-sharing hearings in court — I pay child support, day care, etc.
Late last year, I also lost my job of 11 years and it’s been the worst year of my life, but to
add to this madness, I’m seriously contemplating trying to get Ava back. Why? Because I
can’t handle not seeing my son every day. The time-sharing arrangement this past year could
have been easier on all of us, but I believe Ava’s made it more difficult deliberately, and
despite her proclamations to the contrary, I think she still feels something for me. If she felt
nothing, all these issues wouldn’t have been so difficult.

Ava’s family hates me, and I think this is one of our major problems. In all our time together,
she was never completely honest with me in regards to how she handled conflicts in our
relationship, not once in three years. There are also romantic incompatibilities. It seems like
nothing will ever change. But a part of me still wants to try.

Doc, I still feel something for Ava. It’s not the strongest emotion in the world, and a lot of
the relationship wasn’t good, but we didn’t give it a fair shot to begin with. I believe
something’s still there, even though she’s REALLY, REALLY still angry with me.

What can I do, Doc?

Gustavo — who should have his head examined

Doc's Response

Hi Gustavo,

Your first problem is that you dated Ava “on and off” for three years. “On and off” never
works. So right there, in the very first sentence of your letter, you’re already dead. Next, you
say you weren’t compatible. Guy, you can’t live with a woman you don’t get along with. In
your second sentence, you’re dead again.

Third, you tell me that Ava talks too much. Gustavo, this woman is going to drive you
insane with her flapping gums. So what do you have? It’s on and off, you’re incompatible
and when she talks, it feels like a dental drill in your ear. What does all of that tell you, my
friend?
Dead, dead, dead.

When Ava’s family asked if she got knocked up in order to trap you, it proved that they know
her better than you do. Unfortunately, your little son is going to be the big loser here. Like
my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “The poor little tyke has two kooks for parents.”

I know you’re distressed about the breakup, Gustavo, but if you and Ava are incompatible,
she did the right thing by getting rid of you. Why are you getting all uptight about it?

I have to agree with you that if you’re trying to get Ava back, you are indeed mad. Your
Interest Level is in the 90s, and that’s a humongous problem. I tell you guys never to let your
interest rocket that high, but obviously you didn’t listen. And how much damage does this
woman have to do to you before you finally wake up? To boot, she’s sadly going to be a
lousy mother to your son, and that’s the biggest problem here. Like my cousin Fast Eddie
Love from East L.A. says, “You got yourself a real mess here.”
It’s OK that you can’t handle not seeing your child every day. That’s the way fathers should
feel. But you went back and forth with his mother, you knew you weren’t compatible with
her, you broke up with her and when you were supposed to name your son, she pulled the
rug out from under you. When are you going to get the drift that she’s a whack job?

But despite all the damage Ava’s done to your life, you still think she digs you. Whoa. I’d
hate to see what would happen if she hated you!

What can you do now? I think you need to see a psychiatrist, Gustavo. Other than that, all you
can do now is dutifully pick up your son every week, be the best father you can and don’t
badmouth his mother. That’s about all the choice you have in this quagmire. And like my
cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “And you get to do it for 18 years, brother!”
Hopefully, after 18 years, your kid will realize that you’re normal and his mother is loony.
That’s about the best you can hope for.

Remember, guys: if you’re both nuts, the kid’s the one who suffers.

Expressing Feelings
Hey Doc,

I read your articles religiously, and they’ve been a tremendous help to me.

I’m 40, divorced for two years and have dated a handful of women in that time. I met
my current girlfriend, Brittney, two months ago, and we hit it off. She’s 31 and has
two kids, 14 and three. No dads are in the picture. Brittney is extremely smart and
just finished her master's degree, despite having two kids and working a job, which
impressed me.

Our relationship has progressed slowly and steadily, and we see each other once or
twice a week. I also have two kids from my marriage, and I’m responsible for them on
a part-time basis. I follow your advice and never put any pressure on Brittney. I
always wait for her to initiate physical contact and will sometimes go a day without
contacting her at all. I’m trying to remain a Challenge and keep her interested.

Not long ago, Brittney asked me to be her boyfriend and I accepted. The romantic
chemistry is there, but Brittney will rarely if ever tell me how she feels about me or
where she thinks we are. I’ve told her that she needs to communicate more and she
agreed, but I still don’t know how she really feels about our relationship other than
asking me to be her boyfriend. She constantly showers me with affection when we
are together and always shows me little signs that she is thinking about me, but
never verbally communicates anything.

Recently, I took Brittney on a date to a bar to meet one of my guy friends. My friend
asked her what she did for fun, and she said very straightforwardly, “I hang out with
Wilt.” That made me feel good. An hour and a couple drinks later, the dance floor
opened up and she asked me if my friend wanted to dance. I was a little surprised
that she would ask that, but I played it cool and leaned over and asked him if he
wanted to dance with Brittney. He declined, saying it was kind of weird. I was a little
irritated but didn’t let it show. Then I went to the restroom and left Brittney at the bar.
When I got back, some other guy was talking to her. Her arms were crossed and I
could tell she was not being cooperative, but I feel as though she should have
walked away or said something that would have let this guy know she was taken.
Brittney and I went out and danced a bit before calling it a night.

Doc, how do I know what Brittney is really feeling and get her to say it? Was it odd
that she wanted to dance with my friend and that she didn’t want to get away
when approached at the bar by someone who was clearly trying to pick her up?

Wilt - who is suddenly confused

Doc Love's Response:

Hi Wilt,

I’m very happy that my articles have been such a great help to you. But can you just
imagine how much more help you’d get if you had my book,"The System"?

It is very impressive that Brittney is so industrious and accomplished while also

raising two kids. This is very good, pal. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says,
“This babe ain’t no bum."

And it’s excellent that you don’t put pressure on Brittney. To you psych majors, this is
one of the biggest mistakes that men make: they apply way too much pressure on
their girlfriends. That being said, you should be going a lot longer than one day
without initiating contact with Brittney. What’s your hurry, Wilt? Do you want to ruin a
good thing?

You might be worried that Brittney isn’t verbalizing her feelings about you, but the
important thing is that she asked you to be her boyfriend. What I really like about this
girl is that she isn’t constantly blabbing her feelings. She doesn’t break dates, shows
up for them on time and she’s affectionate. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “What is
there for her to give?” She asked you to be her boyfriend, which means she has high
Interest Level in you, and that’s what really counts.
But you insist on begging her to communicate more. So now you’re pressuring her.
You’re contradicting yourself when you say you don’t pressure her, because you do.
Other than showing up for your dates, being affectionate and asking you to be her
boyfriend, there’s nothing more she can do. What the heck do you want out of her,
Wilt? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You’re like a woman —
you want to hear all the verbiage.” Forget the verbiage, guy. Only her actions that
mean anything. And so far this girl is getting an A+ for her actions.

Regarding what happened at the bar, you don’t really know what it meant. It’s true
that asking your friend to dance was a quirky move on Brittney’s part, and it could be
a minor red flag, but I don’t think she was after your friend. Maybe she was thinking
that he was a third wheel and she justwanted to be polite and make him not feel left
out. You have to give her the benefit of the doubt on this because of her past record,
even though it’s only been a couple of months. I prefer that it be more than a couple
of months, but that’s all the time you have in with her. Again, you need my book to
thoroughly understand how this works.

As far as the second guy is concerned, you can’t jump to conclusions because you
know nothing about the situation. Brittney might have known the guy. You don’t have
any clue what their relationship is or was. And maybe she’s slow to let a guy down,
too — did you think of that? That might just be her style. No big deal. She ended up
with you that night, didn’t she?

How do you know what Brittney is really feeling? Dude, this is why you need my
book. You know nothing whatsoever about the Bottom Line Factor. And the bottom
line here is that Brittney is a great girl.

What happened with your friend and the other guy at the bar are gray areas, and you
don’t have 100% of the information you need, so you can’t make a snap judgment
and condemn Brittney. What she did that night might have been nothing more than
quirkiness on her part and just the way she's wired. But none of it has anything to do
with her feelings for you.

Remember, guys: Only go by her actions, because they’re what really count.

Reading Her Signals

Hey Doc,

I’ve gotten my hair cut by Rain twice now at a local style shop. The first time we
talked and made normal conversation. I noticed a picture of her daughter on her
counter so we chatted about that, and I mentioned that I had a daughter too. So it
was going nicely. I didn’t ask for her numberbecause she was working and it was
the first time we really talked.

Six weeks later it was time for another haircut. Rain remembered our first
conversation and now we got a little more in depth on family issues and so on. She
said that she and a couple of her girlfriends had resolved that there would be no guys
in their lives until summer since they were so busy. When I walked out she wished
me a good time at a family party I told her about. I said it was going to be fun and
that I wished she could be there. She said “But it’s not my family,” though she was
being cute about it.

Being the salesman, I had to close the deal. I waited two hours, called Rain at the
salon and said “Hey, I didn’t want to bother you at work, but I was wondering if I
could give you a call sometime and maybe we could get together.” She said “Yes, but
remember that I don’t want anything. If you want to go out that’s fine, but I’m going to
wait before I even think about dating.” I said fine and she gave me her number
anyway.

I called Rain and left her a message. She phoned back several hours later but only
let the phone ring twice before hanging up. She didn’t give me a chance to answer it,
which I don’t get. It’s like she wanted me to know that she called because her name
showed up on caller ID, but she either didn’t want to talk or she wanted me to call her
back. I did, but then she didn’t answer or return the call.

Doc, I want to know what I should do to make summer come much faster without
pressuring Rain. I’m trying to think of some way of making her say to herself, “I like
this guy and want to take it a step further.” Any suggestions?

Jean-Claude - who doesn’t want to have to change hair stylists

Doc Love's Response

Hi Jean-Claude,

When Rain told you that she didn’t want any men in her life until the weather turned
balmy, it was the biggest lie in the world. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East
L.A. says, “If Bradley Cooper sat in her chair and wanted to take her out, she’d be
flying out the door with him.” But her words were hint number one.

It was a mistake to tell Rain that you wished she could be present at your family
party. To you Psych majors, you don’t ask a girl something like that when you hardly
know her. Pal, you were coming on HEAVY with Rain, which you’re not supposed to
do. What’s wrong with you, Jean-Claude? You haven’t even been out with this girl
yet and you’re blatantly showing your Interest Level, which is a no-no. Like my
cousin
General Love says, “You have a lot to learn, soldier.”

When Rain said to you “But it’s not my family,” she was throwing you another strong
hint. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Notice that the word ‘NOT’ contains
the word ‘NO’?” Don’t flatter yourself that she was being cute about it, my friend.
What Rain was trying to tell you – without coming right out and saying it in so many
words since you’re her customer at the hair salon — was FORGET IT.

Nevertheless, it was good that you attempted to close the deal with Rain. But when
she said that she “didn’t want anything,” she was saying that she doesn’t want you.
Guy, she’s giving you Womanese at every turn here, but you don’t hear it and you
don’t get it because you don’t have my book, which means you couldn’t possibly
have read the last chapter, which is entitled WOMANESE.

But Rain told you that she would go out with you anyway – on a non-dating basis.
That means you’re squarely in the “friendship mode” with her, which is a complete
waste of time, and one more way in which Rain is telling you that SHE’S NOT
INTERESTED in you — romantically. You want to go out on a date, but Rain doesn’t.
She doesn’t want to even have a first date with you, and that’s what she’s trying to
tell you in every way possible. But you have her in a delicate position since you’ve
trapped her at her place of business, and she had to think of some way to handle it.
Dating you without really dating you was her best solution.

When Rain only let your phone ring twice, it was symptomatic of wavering LOW
INTEREST LEVEL. The reason she never called you back is becauseSHE’S NOT
INTERESTED. She keeps on telling you that same thing, over and over, in every way
possible. You’re not listening, buddy.

How can you make the hot weather come early? Forget it, dude. This babe has
indirectly told you four times that she has no interest in you. She doesn’t care for you
and she certainly doesn’t want to take it a step further. Like my cousin Brother Love
down in Watts says, “Bro, she just sees you as a haircut and a fat tip and that’s it.”

You want suggestions? Get my book ASAP and find a new barber.

Remember, guys: when she likes you, she’ll make it easy for you.

She Doesn't Love You

Hey Doc,
I’m from India and I moved to Italy last year for my studies. That’s where I met
Dulcina six months ago. We became very close friends. She is extremely hot and
every guy in the neighborhood wants to be with her. I am just above average, and in
general most girls aren’t attracted to me. In my 24 years of life, I’ve had only one
small relationship while she has had many men.

Despite our cultural differences, Dulcina and I have many things in common. I started
becoming very attracted to her, and I revealed this to her honestly. At that point she
told me that she wanted me only as a friend and nothing more, and I respected her
decision and feelings, and we continued our relationship as just friends.

At a party I got drunk and made out with a girl I had crush on and then told Dulcina
about this incident. She got extremely angry with me, saying that I lied to her about
my feelings for her and that I only want to sleep with every other girl I meet. After a
huge argument, she didn’t talk to me for two days. I was confused by what
happened. After she calmed down, she told me that she did not know that she had
feelings for me and that this incident made her realize how much she loves me.
She said that she would love to see if we could have a relationship, but she didn’t
want to tell anyone and wanted to try dating secretly.

Recently, Dulcina and I started living together, but since then everything has fallen
apart. She says that I have changed, she keeps criticizing me about everything, says
that my personality is not that of the guy she knew and that I am no longer a person
with solid principles and that she misunderstood me. We had a big fight, and now
she says that she wants nothing to do with me, neither a relationship nor a
friendship. I am really perplexed. I don’t want to lose Dulcina in any way. What
should I do, Doc?

Omar - whose head is whirling

Doc Love's Response

Hi Omar,

Your first problem with Dulcina is that you got to be close friends with her. When that
happened, it took you straight out of the boyfriend-girlfriend zone. To you psych
majors, if you’re friends with a babe, you can’t be her boyfriend.

You and Dulcina might have everything in common, Omar, including a love of
pepperoni pizza, but the most important thing is her interest level in you — which
you leave out of your letter altogether. When you told her how attracted you were to
her, you weren’t being honest; you were being open. Each of those words has a
completely different meaning and connotation, which are described in my book,
which obviously you don’t have.

Continuing your relationship with Dulcina as friends because she didn’t care for you
romantically was a complete waste of time. When you’re with a female as a friend,
you can also hustle other women and get their phone numbers, but if you’re not
doing that, being friends does you absolutely no good.

When Dulcina flipped out when you told her that you made out with another girl, it
proved she was a wacko. First she tells you that she only wants to be friends, but
when you tell her that you kissed another girl, she goes crazy. Like my cousin Sal
“The Fish” Love says, “Hey, she can’t have it both ways.” What she’s saying is that
even though you’re not dating her — because she doesn’t want to date you — she
wants to keep you as a boyfriend who doesn’t kiss other babes. Like my cousin Fast
Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “She’s nuts.”

I don’t buy that your kissing another woman convinced her that she was in love with
you. Because she already knew how she felt about you. Like the great Doctor Freud
once said, “Women know how much they like you.” I agree that they sometimes
compete with each other for guys, but telling you that she loves you after she insisted
on friendship only means that she’s cuckoo or that her ego was bruised. And what’s
the big secret if Dulcina is dating you? What is she trying to hide? Like I said, this
one is a loon.

Now, let me explain something to you, Omar. The reason everything fell apart after
you moved in with Dulcina is that she never dug you. You went to live with someone
who didn’t care for you romantically. When that happens, you’re asking for nothing
but trouble. When she criticizes everything about you, she’s off in la-la land. This girl
ran around with you, she’s had tons of experience with men, and she knows exactly
how you are. And you didn’t change, so I don’t buy any of her Womanese.

My friend, don’t worry about losing Dulcina, because you never had her to begin
with. This girl was never in love with you. This entire relationship has been nothing
but a huge waste of your time.

Remember, guys: Never try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you.

She Wants You Back

Hey Doc,

I just recently purchased "The System," and read a few chapters. Through it, I
discovered why I lost my ex, Lena — I just wasn’t a Challenge for heranymore. A
month ago, she wanted to break up and I agreed to it. After the second week, I
totally stop communicating with her and it drove her crazy. Once a week, she would
text me and say that she missed me. I held my ground and didn’t respond. I wanted
to wait at least a month before talking face-to-face with her about our relationship
and its future.

Long story short, I recently got together with Lena and she confessed to me that she
was seeing another person while we were broken up and that she actually got very
romantic with him when she was drunk, even though she didn’t like the guy. She
said she felt awful about what she did, then asked that she and I get back together. I
felt so disrespected that I told her to never call or communicate with me again. But
I’m torn, Doc. Lena is a good girl who is flexible and caring, and she has Integrity —
or so I once thought.

Here are my questions: Do I have the right to be mad at Lena for “cheating” on me
with this other guy when we were officially broken up? It shouldn’t feel like a betrayal,
but for some strange reason it does. Should I forgive her? I do respect her for telling
me the honest truth about what she did instead of lying or not telling me at all. The
truth really does hurt, but I’m glad I know now so I can completely move on if I decide
to.

I’m looking forward to your coaching. Thank you, Doc.

Adam - who feels crushed

Doc Love's Response

Hi Adam,

You didn’t agree to Lena’s breakup with you. She told you that she had enough of
you and that was the ballgame. You didn’t have any choice in this matter at all, guy.
But why should it drive Lena crazy? If she gets rid of you and you don’t want to talk
to her anymore, why is she bothered by it? I’ll tell you why — because she’s a
double- dip, that’s why: a whack-job and a loon.

Good for you that you held your ground and didn’t respond to Lena when she texted
you. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “When it’s over, it’s over.” But what would
possess you to want to talk to her face-to-face about your relationship after any
length of time? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “What’s to talk about?” And what is
there to wait for? Lena no longer dug you, she wanted out, and so there’s nothing to
talk about. You really have to read the chapter in my book called "Going Back," pal.
It’s obvious that you didn’t get that far.

So Lena was seeing somebody else when you were broken up. Like my cousin Fast
Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Man, she didn’t waste any time, did she?” Even
though she couldn’t stand the guy, with enough Jack Daniel's she toughed it out,
right? Hey — great girl!

Why would Lena want to get back together with you? What’s important is not that
she messed around after you were broken up, which is her right; the important thing
— the only important thing — is that she dropped you in the first place. So there’s
nothing to go back to, my friend. Again, this whole thing is a dead issue.

But you felt so dissed that you never wanted to see or speak to Lena again, and now
you’re being all uptight, Adam. What you should have said was “Sure, honey, we’ll
get back together, but I’m busy right now with a few new girls, so I’ll have to get back
to you.” And then never called her again.

Despite her drunken spree with this other guy, you maintain that Lena has all kinds
of great qualities. Well, I have to agree that she’s flexible, all right. Especially when
she’s hanging out with strange men and swilling a lot of booze!

No, Adam, you don’t have any right whatsoever to be angry with Lena forcheating
on you when you were officially broken up. To you psych majors, when she drops
you, what happens between her and any other guy is none of your concern. You’re
out and it’s over. There’s nothing to forgive — she’s not your girlfriend anymore. Let
me remind you again: she dumped you.

One more thing. You don’t really respect Lena for telling you the truth about what
happened between her and this other dude during their drunken night together.
Respect isn’t an issue here. Your heart is broken; that’s what really happened. So
just admit it to yourself and move on.

And that’s what you have to do now, ASAP: move on.

Remember, guys: Once she dumps you, you have no say whatsoever over what she
does or who she sees.

The Other Man

Hey Doc,
Susan and I met through mutual friends. We hit it off well from day one and things
were going great until one of our late-night conversations veered into her somewhat
secretive relationship. She was going on about how much she liked me and had
feelings for me, which I assured her were mutual. Then she threw in the but: “I’m in a
relationship and it’s kind of confusing.” So I asked her to try to explain it to me as
best as she could. Basically, she is involved with another guy we’ll call Joe.

Susan is 100% Chinese, so her family influence is very strong, which is nice
because I’m a family guy myself. However, she’s afraid to tell her parents about her
boyfriend, which is why no one else around her but me knows about him. She said
she wants us to keep things casual, which was fine by me because we were just
hanging out anyway.

This guy Joe, however, is in China for at least another year. They have been
separated by this distance for three months or so. From what I was told by Susan, he
is living with a very attractive Chinese woman.

Well, at this point, I was okay with the situation, but after many late nights of deep
conversation and going out to bars with Susan, I started to develop feelings for her. I
told her I don’t want to be the guy who tears apart a relationship, but one night
something rather inevitable happened and we ended up getting very romantic.

We both enjoyed it immensely and she insisted that we do it again, but I told her it
can’t happen again until she is not involved in another relationship. She smiled and
said she would take care of things and not to worry. However, when I last talked to
her, she said she really loves Joe and that the two of them talked and have decided
to have an open relationship.

I know that neither open relationships nor long-distance relationshipswork, and

Susan’s relationship with Joe is both. In the end I know their relationship isn’t going
to work out. But she is insistent that it will and that she doesn’t want to lose Joe.

I’m confused about what to do, since Susan and I aren’t officially dating. And I
certainly don’t want her to be with Joe. I plan on still seeing Susan and hanging out
with her, and we will likely get romantic again, but is it wrong of me to continue what
we’ve been doing knowing it’s going to damage an already failing relationship?

Maximillian - who doesn’t want to be a third wheel

Doc Love's Response
Hi Maximillian,

Your first big mistake was assuring Susan that her feelings for you were mutual. The
man never talks about his Interest Level. So what are you doing telling this babe that
you dig her? What’s more, if you didn’t admit that her feelings were mutual, you
would have been a challenge to Susan. You would have set it up so that she would
have had to work for you or negotiate to win you. But you blew all of that by having
no discipline whatsoever and flapping your gums.

When Susan told you that she was involved with some guy named Joe, you should
have known right then and there that you were wasting your time. It’s not fine that
you were just hanging out with her. Max, you have to stop seeing Susan because
you are frittering away your time on something that has no future because she has a
boyfriend.

To add to the confusion, Joe is living with an attractive woman in China. Dude, all
this does is make the entire situation even messier. Who knows who’s up to what?
Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “This is not the type of girl you want for a long-term
relationship.”

But it doesn’t surprise me in the least that you’ve started developing deeper feelings
for Susan. To you psych majors, what happens when you spend time with a babe is
that you start to like her. This is why when Susan said she had a boyfriend that you
should have been immediately out of there.

When you told Susan you didn’t want to be the guy to break up her relationship with
Joe, you were being all heavy and serious. You shouldn’t have gone anywhere near
that type of subject. You’re supposed to keep it light and funny, remember? Like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You’re better off being the court jester.” You don’t
get into heavy, serious conversations with someone you like, especially someone
who has a boyfriend who’s far, far away. It’s obvious that you haven’t memorized my
book. Judging from your blunders, I’ll bet you don’t even have it.

Then Susan told you that she and her boyfriend have decided to have an open
relationship. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Now you definitely know you don’t
want her.” And by the way, Max, why are you concerned about Susan and Joe’s
relationship not working out? Your relationship with Susan isn’t working out! In fact,
your relationship with her never got started. Like my cousin General Love says, “This
plane never even got off the runway.”
You might be dying to get romantic with Susan again, but all that’s going to happen is
that you’re going to get burned when the other guy comes back. Like I said before,
this whole deal is nothing but a waste of time. You’re No. 2 here, and the third wheel
you don’t want to be.

Of course it’s wrong to continue what you’re doing, but only because you’re going to
get hurt down the road. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Bro,
you’re playin’ with fire.” My job is to protect your heart.

This girl is not available, so if I were you, my friend, I wouldn’t hang out with her at
all. Remember, guys: When she has a boyfriend, you’re wasting your time.

Getting To Know Her

Hey Doc,

I used to play drums in a semi-successful band, and it gave me the ability to find new
women, albeit not always the most stable ones. I was basically dating girls who were
sexy loon-bats, hoping one would surprise me and actually have a little more
substance than I initially suspected. But I was never really purposefully
seeking “marriage caliber” women, so, unsurprisingly, I didn't find any.

Now I’m about to turn 30, I’m in college again, am working hard to start my dream
business, haven’t been in a band for several years and hardly go out and party at all.
I’ve begun seeing Erica, a shy, friendly, caring girl who works with children in her
job. I knew from the moment she opened her mouth that she was the kind of girl I’ve
always secretly wanted to marry and resolved that I had to have her absolutely no
matter what. But, rather than dive headlong into the shallow end, I decided to go in
slowly and maintain Challenge. I asked her to lunch, we talked for an hour, I didn’t
kiss her (but did pay), and it was a big success.

Now, the problems. Erica has been dating for a while, but with very limited success. I
haven’t asked her much about her dating past, but she still lives with her parents in
our rural, conservative Christian area. She seems completely normal and well-
adjusted, so I’m chalking this one up as a non-red flag. Am I right?

Secondly, Erica is not a traditional beauty. I think most guys are turned off by her
facial features, but I find them adorable for some reason. (So, really, I’m not facing a
lot of competition. I’m no Superman, but I’m confident I’m a cut or two above the
guys she’s been seeing.)
So far, we’ve been out on three dates. The lunch date, dinner and a movie, and a
double date with her best friend whom she considers a sister. She had to cancel our
next date because of a birthday party for a young family member she had forgotten
about.

I feel like Erica’s Interest Level is pretty high, as several times during our dates she
reached for my hand, touched me playfully, and we kissed. She also futured me,
saying we could go to a bar for our next date since I had mentioned wanting to. I
estimate she’s in the 70s or 80s right now as far as Interest Level is concerned. I
think I’m doing a decent job with this girl, but decent isn’t good enough. I need to
knock it out of the park, and, for that, I’m calling on your valuable insight. What can I
do to drive Erica crazy?

Wit — who is finally warming up to settling down

Doc Love's Response

Hi Wit,

I can tell right off the bat that you have some brains. When you’re in a band, you’re
going to meet lots of women, but even though they’re attractive, you realized what’s
going on between their ears. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “And it ain’t all that
much.”

Let me explain something to you, Wit. Marriage-caliber women are the best women
to date. To you psych majors, if she’s not marriage caliber, that means she’s
nothing. And if she’s nothing, what are you doing with her? So you’re wrong to
assume that marriage-caliber women are not great for dating. They’re actually the
ones that you want to spend your time with. Why would you want to waste your
time with
someone who doesn’t deserve it?

If Erica is working with children in her job, it shows that she’s got a heart. And it also
means that she would be a good mother. I like her traits, Wit. And I compliment you
for not diving into the shallow end with her, because that’s exactly what 90% of the
guys out there would do.

Now here’s your problem when you’re looking for red flags. You haven’t been out
with Erica enough yet to come to any conclusions about anything. Dude, you don’t
know if she’s normal and well-adjusted or a complete whack job, because it’s not
possible. The fact is that you’ve only spent a few hours with this girl, which means
you don’t know her — at all. I’ve said this before and I will repeat it again: Until you
get to 10 or 12 dates, you can’t count anything!

Don’t worry about your “competition.” Your competition is yourself. As far as Erica’s
looks go, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Beauty is in the eyes of the
beholder.” If you find Erica attractive, that’s all that matters. You say that you are
several cuts above guys that Erica has been out with. Is that because of your product
knowledge or because you just think you’re better looking?

Did Erica counter-offer when she cancelled your last date? Did she set another date
at another time? You don’t mention any of that. You might have my book, but you
don’t understand it, guy; I can tell by your questions.

It’s nice that Erica is affectionate with you and that she’s talking about the future,
but, once again, you only have three dates in with her. This means you don’t have
nearly enough information about her and you certainly haven’t gained a beachhead
with her. What can you do to drive her crazy? Memorize “The System.” It’s that
simple. Show her manners and class, and never get all heavy and serious. And don’t
get mushy — keep it light and funny, and always be a gentleman. If you observe
those rules, you’ll have a shot.

Remember, guys: After three dates, you don’t know anybody.

Her Interest Level

Hey Doc,

First of all, I’d like to thank you for being there for us, on your mission to coach
mankind!

I met Brianna five years ago. We live in adjacent cities about two hours away from
each other. Initially I thought that I’d move closer to her with time. Then it turned out
that it’s almost impossible to find a job as well paid and as secure in her city as
mine. Although Brianna’s city is bigger, they would offer me only a 30% higher
salary, and everything there is 300% more expensive, so I’d consider it a financial
downgrade, which I’m not going to take. Three years after our relationship started, I
asked Brianna to marry me but we didn’t, instead staying engaged for quite a long
time. I didn’t grasp it then, but now I realize that her Interest Level was slowly
dropping. A couple of years ago she started pushing me for a baby. I wasn’t ready
for that,
though, because we still weren’t living together. Now I realize that we don’t have too
many common interests either!
Finally, a year ago, Brianna started pushing me for the child really hard and she told
me that she’d either get pregnant or leave me. At that point I gave in and she got
pregnant. We married a year ago and my son was born in June, 2012. Afterward,
Brianna’s Interest Level was probably in the 50s. She changed the rules (after the
marriage and the kid!), startednagging me almost to death and not caring about me
at all. She wouldn’t let me eat, sleep, enjoy myself, etc. I now spend some of the time
with Brianna and the child, and the rest in my city. Recently things have really
deteriorated. Brianna calls me horrible names and threatens to divorce me. I’ve
got “The System” now and have realized all my mistakes. But too late! If I’d gotten it
a year and a half ago, everything would be different right now!

Doc, I’ve lost some of my confidence with all the nagging. We’re back together and
Brianna’s behaving normally and not nagging quite as much, but she doesn’t touch
me, doesn’t hug me, doesn’t kiss me. Please tell me whether it’s possible to reverse
this process somehow. You say that once Interest Level dips under 50%, there’s no
way back. But perhaps something could work out?

I would really like to keep my family together and not leave the kid without a father.

Calvert - who feels beaten down

Doc Love's Response

Hi Calvert,

You say you live two hours away from Brianna. Right there you’re talking about 120
minutes separating you and your wife. And you know what this does to a
relationship. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “When you’re out
of sight, you’re out of mind.”

Brianna’s Interest Level was slowly dropping because of the distance between you
and the fact that you weren’t doing anything right. To you psych majors, you have to
see a woman you’re dating two or three times a week in order to keep it going. In
addition, you were engaged, which doesn’t make any sense at all if you’re not living
in the same area as your fiancée.

Now let me ask you this: How is it that you can go with a woman for several years
and not have common interests with her — and not realize it? That’s yet another
negative effect of a long-distance relationship. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love
says, “You two were so far away from each other, you didn’t know who she really
was.”
But she told you that she had to get pregnant or leave you. Now think about this,
pal. Brianna’s saying “Either I have a child or you have to leave me.” That is an
ultimatum! I don’t like ultimatums, which you'd know if you’d read my book.
Ultimatums are not loving. Like my cousin General Love says, “They’re more like
gunslingers daring each other to draw first.” Brianna should have tried to work this
out with you, but you got into a bad situation at the very beginning of this
relationship because of the distance. And the mess started right there, and you
have
not been able to clean it up because of the distance and not knowing “The System.”

Congratulations on your child. The problem is that Brianna went andchanged the
rules on you as soon as the little guy arrived. I’m shocked! Women never do that!
But seriously, being called names and being issued ultimatums is no fun. Well, I have
to say one thing: Brianna sure is a sweet and loving wife!

But now you’ve got my book and you’re realizing all of your mistakes. Your first —
and biggest — was picking a woman who lives so far away. Of course everything
would have been different if you’d gotten “The System”a couple of years ago. Every
guy tells me that! If Brianna’s Interest Level is 51%, there are techniques you can
use to nudge it up. But if it’s below 51%, you’re dead in the water, and the worst part
is
that Brianna is the mother of your child. What you have to do is this: Don’t touch your
wife, don’t kiss her and keep it light and funny. If she wants affection, she has to
come to you. But you cannot reciprocate until she cuts out the nagging and name-
calling and ultimatums.

And nothing can work out once Interest Level drops below 51%. I’m sorry, buddy. It’s
good that you would like to keep your family together and not leave your kid without
a father, but you should have thought of that before you got entangled in a messy
long- distance relationship. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Now
the best you can hope for is that your kid doesn’t hate you for the rest of his life.”

Remember, guys: If you want the odds in your favor, you have to memorize “The
System.”

Keeping It Light and Playful

Hey Doc,

I’ve been reading your columns for a month now, and I do believe everything you say
is pretty much on point. Whether the man has the cojones or the self-discipline to live
his life by "The System" well, that’s another thing altogether. Either way, consider
me a believer.
I dated Britt for a year. We met when we were dating other people: She was married
and I had a girlfriend. Eventually, she left her husband and we ended up getting
together (she didn’t leave him for me). We live about an hour away from each other,
so technically it was a long-distance relationship.

Throughout the first year, everything was absolutely incredible. Britt was the most
caring, loving girl I had ever been with. But whenever we would talk about the future,
she was inconsistent. Sometimes she would say that she was absolutely traumatized
by marriage and wasn’t sure if it was something she would ever want to do again.
Other times (when I’m assuming her Interest Level must have been astronomical),
she would tell me she wanted to be my wife one day. Her ex-husband was a jerk and
the complete opposite of who I am. Since we lived in different areas, our relationship
really only consisted of seeing each other on the weekend, but we never missed one.
We got along perfectly, our families and friends all loved each other, and I honestly
thought that she was the last stop for me.

One day, pretty much out of nowhere, Britt tells me she wants to take a big step
back and she’s feeling too much pressure. Between our relationship getting serious,
the trauma from divorce, our different life goals (I want marriage and kids one day,
not anytime soon, and she isn’t sure she ever wants either), the fact that she is
turning 30 and is not sure what to do with her career, etc., she was feeling
overwhelmed.
She said we moved too fast (we started dating only a few months after her
separation). Since I was completely blindsided by this and had not read your
columns at the time, I will admit I did not play it cool and I tried to fight for things to
work rather than give Britt the space she was asking for.

Two months later, and it’s all over between us. I haven’t seen her in a month and the
only communication we have is through emails. It’s gotten to the point where it’s
even too heavy for me to even want to talk to her. She tells me she still wants to see
me to talk, but only if it’s going to be fun and not heavy. I can’t help but keep blaming
myself, thinking I pushed too hard when she was unsure, rather than backing off.
What I would like to know is did I push her away even further when she said she
needed space, or should I chalk the emotional baggage from her past and her fear of
commitment up to the fact that I never really had a shot anyway?

Please go easy on me, Doc.

Vlad - who is without a clue

Doc Love's response
Hi Vlad,

First of all, you’re not a believer because you don’t own "The System." Worse, you’re
writing a letter about a girl you’re having a problem with, and my book could have
taken care of that problem for you!

It would have been better for you if Britt had lived closer, my friend. But you wouldn’t
know that because you don’t have my book. Now, let me explain something to you.
You shouldn’t be talking about the future with a babe you’re dating. That’s your
problem here. To you psych majors, when you start talking about the future and she’s
not on the same page, it comes off as pressure. Another thing: talking about the
future is anti-Challenge. She should be wondering about how you feel about the
future, not vice versa.

When Britt complained that she didn’t know if she ever wanted to getmarried again,
she was just flapping her gums. It had nothing to do with her interest in you. She
was baring her soul to you, but her actions showed that she had high Interest Level
in you. At other times she said she wanted to be your wife, didn’t she? Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You should have just let her zigzag.” It
didn’t mean anything. She was with you all the time, and she was just throwing up
from a bad relationship, that was all. The important point is this: Because you don’t
have my book, you didn’t know to keep your mouth shut.

Vlad, remember that even if Britt’s ex-husband was a jerk, she picked him. Why did
she like the jerk? What does that say about her choices?

When Britt said she needed to take that big step back from your relationship and said
she was feeling too much pressure, it verified everything I just told you. She wasn’t
feeling pressure anywhere except from you. It was all coming from your insistence on
talking about the future, and nowhere else. You were pressuring her and you didn’t
even realize it. Now the important question is this: Do you have the cojones to get my
book and memorize it?

Once again, when Britt complained about all the things she didn’t want in life, she
was still with you. Again, she was just reacting to her bad marriage. Your problem
was that you didn’t keep it funny and light — something else you would have known
if you’d had my book. Britt might have been feeling overwhelmed, but you were the
one who started it all. You were the problem, not all that other stuff. Britt didn’t move
too fast;you moved too fast. And as a result, you weren’t a Challenge because you
don’t have my book. You read four columns, you loved them, and you still don’t have
the book. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Now you’re paying the price.”
When Britt asked for some space, you made the situation worse and lowered her
Interest Level even more by trying to fight it. You reinforced the fact that you were
pressuring her. and pressure never works. When she tells you that she only wants to
talk to you if it’s fun and not heavy, she’s once again verifying what I said. Britt wants
fun and not heavy — and that’s the key to “The System.” And the sad part is that
you read four articles and still didn’t invest in the book.

Vlad, you did push too hard on Britt. Her emotional baggage wasn’t a problem; the
problem was your pressure on top of that baggage.

You did have a shot with Britt, pal, but you blew it.

Remember, guys: Only allow her to talk about the future.

Counter Offer
Alexa started working with me recently, and right from the start, we hit it off pretty
well. Because I never like to rush into anything with a coworker, I decided to get to
know her a little better and take things slow. After three or four weeks, I got the
feeling that she was into me, and it became really obvious when her friends started
asking me how I felt about her. So I decided to ask her out, but the day I asked her
out for she had plans. She asked me to ask her out again when I was free.

A few days later Alexa called me wanting to know if I would like to go to the movies
with her that night, but due to a previous commitment, I couldn’t. A week later I
asked Alexa out again, and she told me that she couldn’t date me right now because
she has way too much going on and one of her friend’s mothers just passed away
and she felt that he needed her. Since she likes him, she said — and this was a little
cryptic — she said that it wouldn’t be right for her to date me right now.

I knew that Alexa had a lot going on. Any time you go to college and work full time,
it’s hard to be able to do anything else, but I felt like what she said about her friend
meant she wanted to see him and not me. She asked if I was upset, and I told her I
was but that I would get over it, and if she changes her mind about getting together,
to let me know. She said she would definitely do that. It’s been a week since we had
that exchange. Since then, she has complimented me on how cute she thought my
teeth and eyes are, and she’s told me every other day that she will call or text me —
but then nothing ever happens. I’ve even caught her staring at me over the cubicle
walls, but I don’t know what it means. I have read your book and still don’t know what
to do. Am I being jerked around for some reason? I have no idea if Alexa is seeing
this other guy, and I don’t know if I should wait for her or just forget about her and
start dating other girls.
Doc, anything you can give me on this would be greatly appreciated.

Dhani - who’s scratching his head

Doc Love's Response

Hi Dhani,

First of all, I hope you didn’t talk to Alexa’s friends about her. If she talks to her
friends about you, that’s OK. But you don’t want to be talking to them about your
feelings for her, because, like my cousin General Love says, “That’s going to go
straight back to her like a rocket.”

When you asked Alexa out and she had plans, why didn’t she counter-offer? Why
didn’t she mention another day when she could get together with you? I’ll tell you
why
— because she’s not interested in you, that’s why.

When she told you to ask her out again, you should have said, “Go ahead and pick
a day when you’re free.” In other words, you should have closed her twice on the
spot. When you couldn’t make it when she asked you to the movies, why didn’t you
counter-offer and mention another night? To you psych majors, when an offer is
incoming and you can’t make it, you have to play the role of the female and make a
counter offer.

But when you finally connected with Alexa again and asked her out, she begged off,
citing her relationship with this other guy. So is she dating him? Or is she just using
him as an excuse not to have to get together with you? What does the evidence say?
You’ve made passes at Alexa, but she refuses to date you, which tells you that she
doesn’t care for you. Simple as that. When she said that it wouldn’t be “right” for her
to date you, it’s just double-talk — or Womanese. Like my cousin Brother Love
down in Watts says, “This is called a screen pass, bro.” What Alexa is really saying
is that she doesn’t dig you. If this other guy whose feelings she’s so concerned with
is indeed just a friend, why would he care if she dated you? Think about it, guy.
Sadly, it’s true that she wants to see this other dude and not you.

Now, why in the world would you tell Alexa that you were upset that she won’t date
you? Dhani, you never bare your soul to a woman. You nevertell a woman she got
to you. So why did you let that out? And you say you have my book? If you’re upset
that a girl merely won’t go out with you, what would happen if a babe dropped you
after six or seven dates? How would you react then? A little self-control here, Dhani.
But Alexa keeps telling you that she’s going to call or text you, but then nothing ever
happens. Like they say in Texas, “This girl is all hat and no cattle!” And she stares at
you over the cubicle walls at your job, but you don’t know what it means. Like my
cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “It means she should see a psychiatrist.”

You might have looked at my book, Dhani, but you haven’t read it once a week for 15
weeks like you have to, that’s for sure; I can tell by what you did and the questions
you ask. Your problem is so clearly covered by the bottom-line factor in the Dating
Dictionary, it’s unbelievable!

Are you being jerked around for some reason? Yes, my friend — and you’re being
polite to yourself.

Should you go out with other girls or wait for Alexa? I think you should wait. Hey, look
at it this way — maybe you can end up being best man for this other guy at Alexa’s
wedding!

Remember, guys: When you ask her out and she turns you down and
doesn’t counter-offer, it means she doesn’t care for you.

You're Just A Friend

Hey Doc,

Ireland and I have been talking almost every day for the past few weeks. Originally I
started talking to her because her crazy boyfriend was harassing her, and I was just
trying to give her some relief. I did not expect to be talking to her every single day.
But she usually initiates the contact, and we talk until bedtime. We have hung out
here and there, all times initiated by her, and nothing romantic has ever happened.

From the start, I thought Ireland would be just a friend. One night we got drunk and
touchy and she slept on my couch, but I made sure not to make any moves as it was
very late and we both had to wake up early. Whenever we text, it always seems like
we let one another know that we were thinking about each other. We can go on for
hours and we’ve only known each other for a month. I never told her that I liked her,
because I knew she wasn’t looking for any kind of relationship (she just got out of
one) and I didn’t even know if I could handle one; basically if we stayed friends, I
would be cool with it.

The other day, Ireland texted me and told me about how people were making
comments that I liked her, and she proceeded to tell me that she really likes me as a
friend, but that she doesn’t want a relationship. I told her that I didn’t like her, and that
I would have told her if I did like her, and that I knew she didn’t want a relationship
at the moment. I also told her I was glad she brought it up, because from what I
saw, it kind of seemed like she liked me.

I know that nothing will happen between us, but what confuses me is that Ireland
keeps texting me. Even after telling me she doesn’t want a relationship, she always
finds a way to make conversation. Is this love creeping at my door? Or am I the crazy
one?

Putney — who wonders if there’s more behind her words

Doc Love's Response

Hi Putney,

Let me get this straight: You’re talking to Ireland every single day? Right, there’s
your first mistake, dude. To you psych majors, you can’t talk every single day to a girl
you’re interested in because you’re murdering Challenge when you do that. This tells
me straight out of the gate that you’ve never even seen my book, let alone
memorized it!

Ireland’s crazy boyfriend might very well be harassing her, but why are you getting
so involved and listening to her all day long? Why are you being her psychiatrist? Do
you really want to be this girl’s counselor? You should just tell her, “Hey, don’t worry
— you’ll work it out. And by the way, let’s go out on a date!”

But, no, you insist on talking to Ireland until you’re dropping off to sleep. You’re giving
this girl way, way too much time here, Putney. And it’s reinforcing the fact that you’re
in the friendship zone. Like my cousin General Love says, “This is very, very
dangerous territory here, soldier. In fact, it’s a no-man’s land.”

When Ireland keeps initiating all this contact with you, why aren’t you turning her
down and being a Challenge instead? You should be saying to her, “I like you and
all, but I’ve got a hot date tonight.” That’s what you should be feeding this girl rather
than being so available. And you’re available all the time, Putney. Like my cousin
Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You might as well be a 24/7 paramedic!”

The reason you’re not making any moves on Ireland isn’t because you have to get up
really early in the morning, buddy. You’re not making any moves because this babe
doesn’t dig you romantically. Get real, here.
If you know that Ireland doesn’t want a relationship, what in the world are you doing
spending all this time with her? This is all a big waste of time! You could be out
hustling other women, guy, instead of holding onto the receiver listening to Ireland
spill her guts to you every night. What’s the matter with you?

When Ireland said that she “likes you as a friend but doesn’t want a relationship,” you
should have paid close attention. Because she said it all right there. That’s the
beginning and the end of the story, my friend. When you said that you didn’t like her
and didn’t want a relationship, that’s a flat-out lie. You’re completely in love with
Ireland. So don’t try to pull the wool over my eyes.

Now let me explain to you why this babe keeps texting you. It’s a simple matter,
really. You’re her pal. You’re her brother. You’re her girlfriend. She feels she can
confide in you anytime. You’re her psychiatrist. Heck, you’re more available than her
shrink! Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You’re everything but a date.” In
other words, everything you want to be for Ireland, you’re not.

Is Ireland crazy? No, you’re the crazy one for thinking you have a chance with her. Is
love knocking at your door? No way. You’re hearing things, man. And yes, like I said,
you’re definitely the crazy one. Get my book ASAP. It’s your only hope. Remember,
guys: if you get stuck in the friendship zone, you’re dead.

Girlfriend And Her Ex

Hey Doc,

I’ve read “The System” and it’s helped me out a great deal in my relationships, but I
can’t seem to figure out a solution to my current issue.

I’ve been dating Morgan for about six months now. Everything was going
smoothly until her ex’s sister asked her to babysit her son every Sunday night.
Morgan dated her ex for four years and they broke up a year ago. Now, I wasn’t
at all comfortable with this arrangement, but Morgan insisted, telling me that she is
the godmother of this child and it wouldn’t be right if she declined.

The arrangement seemed fine until she told me that she ran into her ex while
babysitting. From that point on, she seemed to occasionally keep running into him
while looking after the kid. She insisted that it was nothing but friendly chat when
they talked. I went along with it and played it cool. Then one day Morgan asked me if
it was all right for her to have coffee with her ex in order to persuade him to pay back
the money he owes her (he apparently owes her thousands). Again, I felt incredibly
uncomfortable, but I played it smooth once more and told her to just get the money
back.
More recently, Morgan asked if she could go and visit her ex’s family because they
invited her to some sort of family event. At that point I told her that I was
uncomfortable with this situation and she shouldn’t be staying in contact with her ex
or his family. She got upset and brought back the whole “godmother-of-her-ex’s-
nephew” issue.

Doc, what am I supposed to do here? I’ve been very understanding of her position as
the child’s godmother, but it keeps bringing her ex back into the picture. I feel like I’m
going to lose Morgan if I haven’t already. I’d love to know what you’d do in this
situation.

Klaus - who’s between a rock and a hard place

Hi Klaus,

Here’s the problem with Morgan’s first request to babysit. If this were a one-shot
deal, it would be one thing. But it’s not. You’re talking babysitting on a continuous
basis here. When Morgan says she wants to babysit every Sunday night, it means
she wants to do it every Sunday nightforever. So what she’s doing here is going into
the past, and that’s not a good thing since the past includes this ex of hers. She
should have turned her ex’s sister down because she should have known that she
was inevitably going to run into this ex, which would make you uncomfortable and
would be disloyal to you. But Morgan doesn’t know a thing about loyalty because she
doesn’t see that it’s an issue here. And remember that according to the “The
System,” loyalty is No. 1 to a man in a relationship.

But Morgan insisted on babysitting her godchild. Now, you know if you’ve read my
book that I do not believe in ultimatums. However, in 1% of these situations, an
either/or response is justified. So you should have said to Morgan, “Do you want to
babysit this kid, or do you want to keep me as your boyfriend?” This woman is either
dumb or naïve because she is going to run into her ex if she insists on this ridiculous
arrangement. Or like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Maybe this is
just an excuse to see her ex, whom she really misses, and babysitting the kid is the
perfect ruse to do it.”

And Morgan did indeed run into her ex while babysitting. Dude, I’m shocked! How
could something like that happen? But here’s the most important point: why didn’t
your girlfriend keep her mouth shut about seeing her ex? And why is she rubbing this
guy in your face? How is this a loving act in any way? How is it supposed to make
you feel that Morgan is running into this guy? Is it supposed to make you feel better?

But she insists that she wants her money back and that’s all there is to it. Morgan
was stupid to lend her ex thousands of bucks to begin with. But the really big
problem here is this: Your girlfriend wants to spend time with an ex. Like my cousin
Brother
Love down in Watts says, “Babysitting ain’t got nothin’ to do with this situation no
more.” Morgan’s not going to get the money back from her ex. If she hasn’t gotten a
penny back over the last year, she’s not suddenly going to start collecting now. And
her ex — who no doubt wants her back — is probably baiting her with some line of
BS like this: “Hey, I’m really trying hard to pay you back, but can we have coffee and
talk about it?”

Now Morgan is being invited by her ex’s family to a family event. Like my cousin Sal
“The Fish” Love says, “Why doesn’t she just ask them if she can move in with them
while she’s at it?” But when you protested your discomfort, she brought up her
godchild as an excuse. In other words, it’s more important for her to be a godmother
to her ex’s nephew than it is to make the man she’s allegedly in love with feel
comfortable and loved.

What would I do if I were you? Drop her ASAP. And that’s what you should do, too.
You’ve already lost Morgan. This is a girl you met on the rebound and she has no
feelings for you. So there’s nothing to do but jettison her, the sooner the better.

Remember, guys: If she finds an excuse to see her ex, you don’t own her.

Loyalty Is Everything
Hey Doc,

I’m a loyal fan and I always recommend your articles to my guy friends. I met
Shana four months ago on an online dating site. She’s 33 and a knockout. We hit it
off and have been dating since. I always follow your rules and never contact her
unless she
reaches out to me, and we only go out about once a week. I’ve been working hard
on being a Challenge, and it has paid off with this woman. Her Interest Level is high
and she’ll do anything I ask. She always compliments me on how smart I am and
talks as if we’re going to be together forever.

Now here’s where I think I went wrong. I started inviting Shana to some small social
get-togethers with some of my friends. Everyone liked her and she seemed to have a
blast. Two months ago, I planned a trip to a casino town to help my best friend
celebrate his advanced degree (he’s 36). He was bringing his girlfriend, so I thought
it would be a great idea to invite Shana along. Shana had never met my friend, but I
suspect she had been checking out his Facebook page because at two separate
points she mentioned to me that she had a dream and that my friend was in it. I
thought it was odd since she had never met him but I played it cool and just laughed
it off, but it stuck in my head.
Now, usually Shana dresses very casually. But when we left for this trip, she showed
up at my place dressed to kill: short skirt, fresh pedicure/manicure, hair perfect, etc. I
was like, "Wow! You look great — but for a car ride?" My fears were confirmed when
they met. I could tell immediately that Shana was very attracted to my friend and it
was difficult for her to hide it. She was giving him all kinds of signals, intently focusing
on anything he said, asking questions, following him around, being provocative, and I
would catch her staring at him regularly. Thank God this was only a one-day trip, but
I was hurt. I found it difficult to hide my attitude that night, though I never said why I
had it.

I was so angry that when we got to my place and we all said our goodbyes, Shana
came inside, and I simply packed up the little stuff she had at my house and handed
it to her. She teared up a bit, and I apologized for being distant the night before. I
never explained to her why I was upset because I assumed she must have known
and she never asked me why or what was wrong. I swore to myself I would never
contact Shana again because she disrespected me in front of my friends. I’m the
guy she was supposed to be trying to impress, and I’m the dummy who paid the bill
for her to be along for the trip.

The absence of contact for the past week has been eating me up, though, and now
I’m wondering if I should have sat Shana down and explained to her why I was upset
and why I ended it. I’m not sure I would have been able to do it without sounding
insecure or like a wuss. So Doc, did I do the right thing? Do you think Shana knew
what was up? If she reaches out to me, should I tell her she embarrassed me or do I
need to close the door on this and never speak to her again?

Portnoy - who has a lot to complain about

Doc Love's Response

Hi Portnoy,

You’re telling me that you’re going out with a knockout and you’re reading my articles
but you don’t have my book. To you psych majors, when yougo out with a beauty,
you need all the ammunition you can get in order to hold someone like this. If Shana
is 33 and available and she’s a beauty, she’s dangerous. Like the old cowboy saying
goes, “She’s planted a lot of hearts up on Boot Hill.” Why are you waiting to get more
ammunition?

Now let me get this straight. Shana, who never met your friend, is saying she’s
dreaming about him? When she told you this, you should have come right out and
asked her if she’d been to his Facebook page. Portnoy, her dream wasn’t odd; it was
downright weird.

Then Shana went ahead and practically threw herself at your friend during your little
jaunt. And you have to look at it this way, too: She was also doing all this stuff in
front of the girl your buddy brought along on the trip. So she wasn’t just insulting you;
she was also totally dissing this guy’s girlfriend because her Interest Level in your
friend is so high. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Shana’s a real gem.”

You don’t owe Shana an apology for anything, my friend. You got it backwards. She
owes you an apology. Of course she knew what she did was wrong. This girl gets a
big, fat “F” in Loyalty. Shana did totally disrespect you in front of your friends. You
took the right approach by handing back her stuff and telling her to get lost. My hat is
off to you for the way you handled it.

So why would you want to talk to this babe now? She didn’t just send up one
minor red flag here — she sent up a whole field full of red flags with this friend of
yours in the short amount of time you were all together. And what can she say
now? “Gee,
Portnoy, you’re right. I flirted with this guytwo dozen times and I was wrong and
I’m never going to do that again. Gee, I don’t know what got into me!” Do you really
think you’re going to have that conversation, my man?

Did you do the right thing? You did the right thing perfectly, buddy. Of course
Shana knew what was up. She’s not stupid. Thirty-three and beautiful? Come on,
dude.

If she calls you up, tell her you’d like to talk to her but you can’t because your
date’s in the bathroom. Then tell her to keep in touch.

Remember, guys: If she doesn’t have Loyalty, she’s worthless.

Don't Repeat The Same Old Mistakes

Hey Doc,

I was with my ex-girlfriend, Suzi, for three and a half years. Six months ago, she said
she wanted to take a break. We didn’t talk for about a month after that. We haven’t
officially gotten back together, but for the past five months, we’ve seen each other as
much as we used to.

One problem is that we are in a long-distance relationship (about an hour between

us), so we only see each other on weekends. Other than the distance, I thought
everything was going well, as in I thought we would eventually get back together.
Suzi gave me all the hints that suggested it (or maybe I just wanted to see those
hints). For instance, when I asked her if we could get back together in the future, she
says there’s a chance. She still flirts with me and touches me like I'm her boyfriend.
We take turns going to each other’s houses and spending the night. Basically it has
felt like we were together again but without the official title, so to speak.

One day, Suzi was showing me her new phone and I spotted the photo of a guy I
didn’t recognize. She took the phone away from me, so I became curious.
Eventually I came to find out that she was talking to another guy. Later I found out
they were intimate after only two weeks of seeing each other. Now, I would think this
is a normal occurrence for relationships and affairs, but for Suzi and me, it’s different
because we were both saving ourselves for each other.

As you can imagine, Doc, this hurts me in every possible way. Not only is it painful,
but it is also embarrassing and demeaning to me and I can’t discuss it with my
friends.

I am angry, jealous, lonely, frustrated and bitter, but I still love her. I don’t know if
she still loves me. We have not spoken again for over a month, but she emails and
texts me that she misses me. I don’t know if I even want her back anymore, and if I
do, what should I do? Is she still worth fighting for or is she a lost cause? Coach me,
Doc.

Ross — who is reeling from his discovery

Doc Love's Response

Hi Ross,

When a girl tells you that she wants to take a break, it means that herInterest Level
has been lowered and she never wants to see you again. Now, she might not
realize it and maybe she even thinks in her own mind it’s a legitimate break, but the
Bottom Line Factor says that after a breakup, no relationship ever goes back to
being as great as it once was. And that truth holds 100% of the time.

When Suzi withdrew from you, she was trying to let you down gently. So it appears
as if something might happen again in the future, but all Suzi is doing is giving you
false hope. Her Interest Level might only be dropping a point or two a day, but the
critical thing is that it’s not like it used to be and it never will be again.

You and Suzi are never getting back together, my friend. That’s what you’re missing
here. I can tell from your letter that you don’t have my book. If you did, you would
understand why Suzi got turned off by you (which you don’t have a clue about) and
you would be moving on.

Of course you just want to see those imaginary hints. Suzi is just stroking your ego,
but there’s really nothing there. She’ll go back and forth and throw out all the
standard excuses: “I’m not sure what I want.” “I’m mixed up.” “I don’t know how I
feel.” Eventually it’s over and you realize thatyou’ve wasted all your time with this
girl. But the more important problem is not that she dropped you, but that you don’t
know why she dropped you, and without my book, you will continue to make the
same mistakes with the next girl and the girl after that. Like my cousin Fast Eddie
Love from East L.A. says, “It’s a vicious cycle, man.”

Of course there’s a chance you can get back together. And maybe you can hit the
moon with a bow and arrow, too. It might feel to you like you’re getting back together
with Suzi, but she’s on her way out. When she gets rid of a guy, she does it
gradually. To you psych majors, most women drop you gradually.

Why are you surprised that you saw a photo of a guy on Suzi’s phone? She’s not
your girlfriend, Ross! Of course she’s talking to other guys. She dumped you, didn’t
she? What else do you think she’s going to do with herself? And let me straighten
you out on something else: You were saving yourself for her. She wasn’t saving
herself for you. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Your capital in this relationship
has already been spent.”

Of course you were hurt by what Suzi did. No guy likes rejection. Rejection is man’s
most feared emotion. But when guys get the ax, they always want to know if they can
get her back, but they don’t want to know why she got turned off. This is where most
men are stupid.

Forget what your friends think about this situation. Who cares what they think? Their
hearts aren’t broken, yours was. But without “The System,”you’ll never know why
Suzi dumped you and you’ll just continue your blunders with the next girl.

Suzi is just a girl who’s turned off. Like most women who get turned off, she will go
back and forth for a little while until she finally puts you out of your misery.

You might still love Suzi, but until you get my book, you’re going to continue down
the same road of failure with every woman you go out with for the rest of your life.
And hopefully you won’t have kids, because they’re going to be raised by some
stranger after the judge gives them away.

Does Suzi love you? No. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If you don’t know
if a girl loves you, that means she doesn’t.” Suzi might text you that she misses you,
but does she tell you how her dates with the other guy are going? Of course you
want her back, dude; don’t try to kid yourself. You’re dying inside. If she came
running back to you, you’d marry her on the spot.

When you say the words “worth fighting for,” you imply there’s some type of chance
that you can get Suzi back. But there’s no chance here. When a girl doesn’t talk to
you for a month and sees another guy, it means you had your shot and you blew
it. You couldn’t hold her.

There’s only one piece of coaching I can give you now, and it’s the same coaching
most guys need: get "The System"!

Remember, guys: If you don’t know why she dropped you, the next girl will drop you
for the same reason.

The Right Time To Ask Her Out

Hey Doc,

I’m from the Czech Republic and have been your student for two months. I’m in my
third reading of “The System.” I saw a couple of Cary Grant movies, listen to your
talk show every week and read your columns almost daily. I know I am just at the
beginning of all this. I must confess that I stumbled upon your book after a hard
breakup three months ago. I found many examples of my past mistakes in
relationships described in your book, so I’m trying to be more aware now, and I know
there is a possibility that I’m on the rebound.

Anyway, I’m working as a part-timer in a multinational company. I’m interested in

Sasha, who works on the opposite side of the same floor. The problem is that we
also play basketball on the same team together. Until this week, we barely knew
each other. I heard that she is also fresh off a breakup as well.

Just recently we had some small talk about work. After she left, I saw an email from
her blinking on my computer. She asked when I would be attending a special work-
training session. I told her, and she said she would attend on the same date. She
also added some personal questions about what I like to read, what my university
thesis was about and that she heard that I played poker. I replied, and we
exchanged three emails that day. Later we stumbled upon each other in the office
kitchen and chatted for five minutes. She smiled a lot; it was light and funny, no
heavy subjects, but she talked about some personal things. I know I should have
asked for her number, but I still don’t have the Confidence and Self-Control at the
level I want them. Also, I worry that I can’t be a realChallenge when we play
basketball together and work at the same company. I felt that these were not the
best circumstances
under which to ask for her number. And, as I mentioned, we are both kind of on the
rebound.

Here’s my question: can I interpret her chat about personal things, coming to my
desk and writing me emails later, smiling, etc. as buying signals? Should I ask for
her number? (I know you think that the workplace is not the best place to hustle
phone numbers.) Or should I wait until I gain more Confidence and Self-Control?

Warek — who is skittish about taking a shot

Doc Love's Response

Hi Warek,

It’s very important that you listen to my talk show, because when guys call in, you’ll
be able to relate to their questions and therefore your awareness level will
continue to grow tenfold.

Whether you’re on the rebound or not doesn’t make a lick of difference in your
situation. You just have to do what I say, and after you memorize my materials, you’ll
be on autopilot when it comes to females. You will literally not have to think, no
matter what situation you’re presented with. When you absorb my techniques,
dealing with babes will be a snap for you — it’ll be second nature. Like my cousin
Brother Love down in Watts says, “You’ll be like Michael Jordan elevatin’ for a ‘J’.”

Why is it a problem that you work and play hoops with Sasha? Listen to me: It’s not.
Like my cousin General Love says, “It’s just one more circumstance that you will
master.” In other words, no big deal — so don’t make it into one.

How do you know that Sasha is fresh off a breakup? Who are you talking to about
her? Why are you talking about her at all? If you’re blabbing to some other female
about her, whatever you say is going straight back to Sasha. I hope you realize that.
To you psych majors, you never talk to other people about a girl you’re interested in.
In my book, I talk about how James Bond never yaks to anyone about his spy
business. You have to practice being James Bond, my friend. When Sasha asked
you about the training session, you should have said to her, “I’ll tell you when we go
out on our first date. Give me your phone number.” And is Sasha talking about you
to someone? Guy, I don’t like any of this. Forget emailing Sasha — you should get
her phone number.
You say you should have gotten Sasha’s number when you were in the kitchen.
Well, why didn’t you? If you read my book three times and it says again and again to
ask
for the phone number, why didn’t you do it? All you have to say to Sasha is, “What’s
your phone number?” It’s that simple, pal. Four little words, and it’s all done. If I
gave you a million dollars, you could do it, right?

Of course you can be a Challenge if you and Sasha work and play together. You just
don’t understand “The System” yet because you only read it three times. You don’t
grasp yet that all you have to do is keep your mouth shut and flirt with the other girls
in the office in front of Sasha toremain a Challenge.

But you’d rather keep waiting until the circumstances are ideal. Warek, there are
never going to be perfect circumstances to ask for a girl’s phone number. If you’re
standing next to the president and she’s there too, you’re still going to have to ask for
her phone number.

Don’t worry about Sasha being on the rebound. You don’t really know her
circumstances and she doesn’t really know yours — hopefully. But way too many
people where you work know that you’re interested in her and vice-versa. Like I
said, I don’t like it. And like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Too many wagging tongues
can only lead to trouble.”

Of course Sasha’s giving you buying signals. So just ask her out. What are you
waiting for? Why wouldn’t you ask for her number if you like her? But, no, you want
to wait until you have more Confidence and Self-Control. Like my cousin Fast Eddie
Love from East L.A. says, “By that time, she’ll be married to some other guy.”

Remember, guys: You can only judge her Interest Level when she gives you — or
doesn’t give you — her phone number.

Hopeless Romantics
Hey Doc,

I’ve just learned about "The System," but I could sure use your coaching now.

I’m 23 and every relationship I’ve been in has been a disaster. For example, after six
years of chasing one girl, she turned around and told me I’m not dating material and
then blamed me for her suicide attempt. I’m a good guy, but that threw me over the
deep end. I was in a bad state over this when Pamela, a girl I knew from college,
asked me several times if I was okay. I finally lowered my defenses and opened up
about what was going on inside my head. After everything I’ve been through, it takes
a very special girl to even catch my attention, and she did.
After coming back from a semester break, I decided I was going to ask Pamela out
for coffee, expecting her to say no. She said yes. We went out, and it was great and
we’ve continued to see each other. Our relationship is not perfect. Pamela has had
to cancel dates quite a few times, but we have rescheduled every one of them.
We’ve had coffee, lunch, dinner, gone bowling and even went to a hockey game.
Recently I decided to ask her to officially date. She said she needed to think about it,
but she told me that she enjoyed the time we spend together.

We’ve now graduated, and last week we were having lunch and I was telling her
what everyone in my family thinks I need to do with my life. Instead of moving back
home across the country, I have chosen to stay here in the east and spend as much
time as I can with Pamela before I lose her. However, she was the one who said she
thinks I should stay until I find a job. I guess I’m asking what you think. Am I crazy
and just seeing things, or do I have a real shot with this girl?

Doc, I’m a God-fearing American who has been called a hopeless romantic for the
past seven years. I’ve never had a good relationship and my role models growing up
were not exactly the best. You may think that this is sappy or pathetic, but I believe in
the old ways, and trust me, I see them as dead everywhere. I believe in honor,
integrity and the whole nine yards. I have even told Pamela this, and she said she
likes all that stuff, too. I just don’t know what to do as far as she’s concerned.

Thank you for your time and insights.

Franck — who wishes he lived in another era

Doc Love's Response

Hi Franck,

Listen to what you’re saying here. You’re 23 years young, and every relationship
you’ve been in has been a disaster. Well, I’m going to end this catastrophic run for
you. You’re not going to have any more disasters with women in the future after
you’ve memorized my materials. I guarantee it if you simply do what I tell you and set
your ego aside.

I’m sorry to hear that you got blamed for a suicide attempt, but you have to realize
that you were going out with a nut case. More importantly, this means that you
don’t know how to qualify. You don’t know how to tell a good one from a bad one,
and that’s where “The System” comes in. In the future, you’ll know the difference.
It’s nice that Pamela got to know you, but why in the world are you making her your
psychiatrist? You should only be giving her good information about yourself. This tells
me what another one of your problems is, Franck. You’ve confused the word “honest”
with “open.” You’re supposed to be honest with women, but not be open with them
about your negative issues. You should only be giving to Pamela from your positive
pile.

Why would you expect Pamela to say no to coffee? You’ve got a negative attitude,
guy. Part of being a great salesman is knowing you’re going to be successful. Like
my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You’ve got to have the belief that you’re going to make
the sale. Otherwise, you shouldn’t be trying.”

Why is Pamela canceling dates? What this says is that she makes a date with you,
but if something more important comes up, she cancels. And it seems that a lot of
things come up for her that are more important than you.

But you asked her to officially date anyway. To you psych majors, whenever a
woman needs to think about it, that means the answer is no. Women say yes, or
they say they “need to think about it.” Women say yes, or they say “I’m not sure.”
Women say yes, or they say, “Can we talk about this later?” But Pamela maintains
that she enjoys the time you spend together. Great! Like my cousin Sal “The Fish”
Love says, “Maybe she ought to get a collie.”

Then you went and spilled what your family wants you to do. Why are you talking to
Pamela about your trials and tribulations and what you should be doing in the
future? You should be making this girl laugh, pal. You should be making her feel
comfortable. You should be having fun with her. What you shouldn’t be doing is
making her into your mama or your shrink.

Let me explain something to you, Franck. You can’t lose Pamela because you don’t
have her. Remember that she said that she had to think about it? That means you
don’t have her. Just because she suggested you hang around until you find a job
doesn’t mean she’s head over heels for you. Yes, you’re crazy and just seeing
things, man. You don’t have a shot with this babe.

You claim you’re a hopeless romantic. Know what a hopeless romantic is? He’s
someone who doesn’t face reality. A hopeless romantic is someone who does things
all wrong and rushes into rejection. It’s great to be romantic, but not hopeless.

You might not have had good role models in the past, but that’s where I come in. I’m
going to be your role model now, and you’re going to memorize my materials.
Otherwise you’re going to continue on this disastrous course of doing everything
wrong.
You say you’re old-fashioned and believe in all those classic qualities. Well, “The
System” believes in honor and integrity, too. Your problem is that you have those
wonderful qualities mixed up with pouring your guts and soul out to someone
who doesn’t even know if she wants to be with you.

Remember, guys: When you bare your soul to a new date, she loses respect for you.

Win Her Back

Hey Doc,

I’m 22 and finishing college on the West Coast. Alicia, my ex, is 21. We attend
college together, and for the first year, she was obsessed with me. Like all
relationships, the beginning was the best part. However, times quickly changed,
and her interest faded. I have been reading your articles over the past five years
or
so, and thought I knew the tricks of the trade in the department of women and dating
psychology. Truth be told, I knew it only at a conscious level, but I struggled with
implementing the wisdom into my own life.

Alicia recently broke up with me and I was devastated. After a few days of weakness
after the breakup (calling her, texting her, trying to persuade her with words), I
realized it was time to get back to basics, learn from my mistakes, improve myself
and forget her. I purchased "The System" and read it three times cover to cover. I
was so dedicated to making the necessary changes that I took notes from each
section, and below the notes, jotted down ideas on how it applied to my life and my
previous relationships. Over the course of a month, I continued following the
disciplined path toward self-improvement and felt great about my new outlook on life.
For this I say thank you, Doc.

Yet I would be a liar if I didn’t admit that I still was very much in love with Alicia. To try
to get over my feelings for her, I began dating other women. Within a week, Alicia
came running back to me, furious that I was “moving on so easily” and annoyed at
the women throwing themselves at me. She proclaimed that she was having a hard
time and confessed that she was still very much in love with me. I took her words
with a grain of salt.

I told Alicia I didn’t want a relationship with her because in hindsight I hated the way
she treated me at the end of our relationship. I had doted on her and she never
showed her affection. I told her that if she wanted toget back together with me, she
would have to prove it.
The past few months have been fantastic. Honestly, Alicia acts the way she did
when we first got together. We aren't technically dating, but she has expressed
several times that she wants to try it again, and that she feels like she did when we
were doing well. I let "The System" guide my decision-making, and am constantly
aware of my own Interest Level in Alicia, not letting it go above the 90s.

Now when Alicia says I love you, I make it into a joke. She is now the one looking to
see me, and expresses how she misses me if I’m too busy to see her. She is now
jealous of other females I just casually spend time with. Despite her jealousy, she is
always happy to be with me, a total change from before our breakup.

My question is this: Do you think it’s possible to win a girl back by following "The
System"? You mention in your book that you should move on, because once they’re
gone, you’ve lost them for good. Yet in this situation I feel that I regained control by
practicing independence and a small degree of much-needed selfishness. Why did
Alicia come running back so quickly and aggressively? Do you think this situation can
be sustainable when we begin dating again?

Dash — who is stunned how well "The System" works

Doc Love's Response

Hi Dash,

When you say the beginning of your relationship with Alicia was the best part, you’re
saying something very heavy. The reason most relationships go downhill after a
great start is because guys aren’t doing the right things. If they did, their relationships
would actually continue to improve.

You make an excellent point when you say that you had to forget Alicia. Because as I
explain in my book, when it’s done, it’s done. But since you’re not a robot, you don’t
have a light switch for turning Interest Level on and off, so you shouldn’t feel bad
about still being in love with Alicia.

Let me get this straight. You had a girl — Alicia — who got rid of you because you
were doing everything wrong. Now that you’ve moved on to do the wrong things with
other girls she wants you back so that you can do more things wrong. Wha-wha-
what? What sense does that make? This babe is a loon! You mention that Alicia is
21 years old.
But you maintain that Alicia is still very much in love with you. Yeah, she’s so in love
with you that she treated you like crap at the end, then dumped you. Like my cousin
Sal “The Fish Love says, “I’d hate to see how she’d treat you if she didn’t dig you.”

Of course you have to read her actions toward you, and that shows that you’re
learning something. But you’re contradicting yourself, Dash. First you tell me that
you’re leaving Alicia, but now you’re starting to bite on her bait again, and Alicia
knows it.

What do you mean you two aren’t “technically” dating? If you’re seeing Alicia, you’re
dating. So come on, guy, don’t hand me double-talk. I wasn’t born yesterday. And
make sure that you read the chapter in my book about going back and how
it never works.

You’re making Alicia’s declarations of love into a joke because they are a joke.
Dude, what really happened here is that Alicia couldn’t make out with anybody else
after she dropped you. Then, when you started running around with a bunch of other
babes, you made her jealous. That’s all there is to this situation.

No, it’s not possible to win a babe back. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “When her
Interest Level hits 49%, I don’t care if you hit the lottery; she will never take you
back.” The reason you lose a girl for good is because she has a memory bank and
she remembers all your silly antics that turned her off in the first place. So you’re just
playing with Alicia’s ego here. Her heart doesn’t care about you. Like my cousin Fast
Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “There’s something loony going on between any
girl’s ears who drops you and then gets turned on when she finds out you’re going
out with other girls.”

Like I said earlier, Alicia came back to you quickly because she couldn’t make out
with anybody else. And so nobody else would have her but you. No, this deal is not
sustainable because Alicia will bolt again. And like my cousin General Love says, “If
she goes over the hill once, she’s not trustworthy anymore.”

Remember, guys: If you work "The System" from the beginning with a woman, you
never have to clean up a mess.

Broken Dates
Hey Doc,

I was recently introduced to your materials and have begun to read “The System.” I
met Brianna at work seven months ago; we started joking around, chatting online and
eventually went out for drinks a couple of times. I remained a Challenge and didn’t
give this girl too much information about me so she would have reasons to continue
seeing me. Eventually, after a few more dates, we kissed and got quite romantic. I’ve
always had problems finding women whose personalities match my easygoing,
independent attitude, but I could really feel good chemistry with Brianna.

After a month or so, I told Brianna that I wanted to take things slow, since I wasn’t
sure that I was the only guy she was seeing, even though she always said I was. But
something just didn’t feel right and it was holding me back from getting serious with
her.

Three months after we first got together, Brianna’s work department was moved.
This is where things started going bad. We began to see each other less and I told
her that I had my doubts about where we were going. Eventually she stopped
answering my calls and texts, and then said that she was ignoring me because she
knew it wasn’t going to work.

I stopped calling Brianna. But after a while she contacted me and I told her that I
didn’t want to throw things away due to a lack of communication and understanding.
She told me she wanted to start over and get to know me, that she hasn’t felt this
attraction for someone in a long time, but that she was confused and depressed for
seemingly no reason and that mylack of communication in the first phase cooled
things off for her. It’s been two weeks since we had this talk and agreed to start
things over. I tried to set up two dates, but she backed out at the last minute on both
of them.

Doc, I noticed Brianna’s interest drop from a solid 90% at first to somewhere near
50% now. I understand that there are many fish in the sea, but it’s rare for me to find
girls that I have good chemistry with like this one. What should I do?

Phill - who needs some good ideas

Doc Love's Response

Hi Phill,

Merely reading “The System” isn’t good enough. You have to memorize it. If you
want to be a rocket scientist or a plastic surgeon, you can’t just read about the
subjects. You would have to study and memorize everything about the professions.
The information and practice has to be second nature, which requires disciplined
study. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You can’t pick up a text on neurobiology
and know everything there is to know about the subject after 15 minutes.” That’s
common sense.

The reason I demand that you guys read my book 15 times in 15 weeks is because
you have so much garbage between your ears. And every time you read it, you’re
going to learn something new from “The System” and your awareness level is going
to grow.

When you remark that you didn’t give Brianna too much information so that she
would continue wanting to see you, you don’t know how much you said in that
sentence. To you psych majors, when you don’t give a babe a lot of information,
she’s going to actually miss you!

But when you talk about how well Brianna and you get along, you’re not talking about
Interest Level — hers, which is all-important. You’re talking about personality vs.
Interest Level here, and unfortunately for you, one has nothing to do with the other.
They are two separate issues. Are you sure you have the right book, Phill?

Now why in the world did you tell Brianna you wanted to take things slow? Huge,
huge, huge mistake! Why are you baring your soul to a stranger who’s not your
girlfriend? To boot, you’re talking about something heavy here when you’re
supposed to be the class clown and the court jester. Guy, when you’re with a girl
you’re not supposed to be serious about anything.

Brianna tells you that you’re the only guy she’s seeing, but you don’t believe her. Like
my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “As if she’d tell you the truth anyway.” Your
intuition might indeed be telling you that something’s rotten in the state of Denmark,
but on the other hand, you could just be insecure because you don’t understand
anything about women. Did you think of that?

Why are you blabbing to Brianna that you have doubts about where you two are
going? Do you think she’s going to push her Interest Level up to 95% just because
you’re insecure? It’s all right to talk to me about what’s bothering you, but you can’t
talk to her about your doubts because you can’t persuade a woman to push up her
interest. You might just as well come right out and beg: “Honey, would you please
add 20 points to your Interest Level?” Come on, dude! It’s not going to work.

Brianna didn’t stop contacting you because it wasn’t going to work between the two
of you. She stopped because her Interest Level was below 50%. If it’s below 50%,
you’re out. If it’s above 50%, you’ve got a chance. So what does that tell you,
Phill?
Brianna started getting in touch with you again because she couldn’t make out with
anybody else. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “As far as she’s
concerned, you were the only guy left on the planet.” And that’s the only reason she
called you. But she can’t start again and get to know you because you can't start
over
–- period. One shot per woman per lifetime, remember?

But she insists that she hasn’t felt this kind of attraction in a long time. So that’s why
when her department moved, her heart went with it, right? Who’s she kidding? And
why would you believe her, man? This babe is doing nothing but giving you double
talk when she says your lack of communication turned her off.

Now, Brianna digs you so much that she broke two dates in a row. Wow, all I can say
is that this girl really digs you! And what did I tell you, buddy? You can't go back.
Once it’s done, it’s done. And she already got rid of you once –- and for all.

You’re wrong about Brianna’s Interest Level. It’s not around 50%. It’s below 50%.
Broken dates mean below 50%. Kept dates mean above 50%. I hope I’m not
overloading your brain circuits here, Phill!

Don’t kid yourself that you really get along with Brianna. She broke dates, didn’t she?
You might have chemistry in your mind, but she has exactly zero chemistry in hers.

What should you do now? Study my materials — because you don’t have a clue.

Remember, guys: If you have my book in your hands, please memorize it.

Dating And Alcohol

I recently came across some of your articles, and even though I’ve never heard your
show or even read your books, I quickly realized I broke every rule in them.

Demi and I met through work eight months ago. We quickly connected. We were
always talking and immediately interested in each other. I found her extremely
attractive. All of our close coworkers saw our connection. So at the advice of one, I
asked for her number. We went out for a drink and have been glued to the hip ever
since.

Demi says she’s not looking for a relationship. But the way we behave around
each other, especially when there’s alcohol involved, tells a different story. She
says she only wants a close friendship with me, but once we are out dancing and
drinking,
things heat up rather quickly. She blames it on the alcohol and says she doesn’t
remember what happened throughout the night. On the other hand, no matter how
plastered I get, I can always recount my actions.
I know Demi’s dated a load of idiots — men who didn’t value her, especially the
father of her two kids. After several months, I opened up to Demi about how I felt.
And upon my insistence to show that I want something serious, I made her introduce
me to her children, and we’ve met each other’s families. I love her kids to death. I
may not be their real father, but I would love them as if they were mine if I were
given the chance. They adore me as well.

I know Demi has issues. We are not having any more laughs. We’ve been arguing.
She still insists that she doesn't want a relationship, just someone to count on.
One of the reasons we started arguing recently is that she says I make plans for us,
instead of asking her if she’s free. She says she doesn’t like being told what to do, or
having her life planned out by someone. I can see her point. But I may have made
the mistake of telling her that I’m willing to wait.

Which brings us to this week. I told her I’d pick her up after work, make her dinner
and we’d watch movies. She said no, she had a date. For someone not looking for a
man, this totally confused me. Jealousy took over. I was furious. It’s not a date, it’s
just hanging with a friend, she said. BS, I thought. A date is a date. We got into this
whole discussion, and she said she’s free to do as she pleases, that I’m not her
boyfriend, I don’t her pay her bills and that she doesn't like to be told what to do, etc.
Then she said that my telling her what to do scared her.

Doc, Demi matters a lot to me. But I recognized that one of my biggest mistakes is
that I’m too available for her. I want to get out of this zone. I think we need distance.
If I put some between us, hopefully she’ll realize how much she misses me and will
finally admit to herself her feelings for me and act upon them — not just in a drunken
session, but in an actual, genuine, sober admittance. And if I never hear a word from
her again, then I know she wasn’t the one, no matter how badly I wanted her to be.

Doc, why does Demi only want to get physically close with alcohol, but not sober?
And why for a woman who claims she doesn’t want a man, is she suddenly on a
date?

Her birthday is coming at the end of the month. I wanted to do something for her, but
now I’m hesitant. Please tell me what to do.

Dumont - who can’t believe how depressed he is

Hi Dumont,

First of all, why don’t you have "The System"? You have a big problem with a
woman, you realize you’re making all kinds of mistakes, but you’re taking absolutely
no action whatsoever to make yourself a sharper guy with the ladies. So what kind of
results would you expect?

You might have found Demi extremely attractive, but did she find you the same? If
this babe is blacking out — and it sounds like she is — she should join AA. And she
might have had a bunch of idiot men, but who picked them? She did! Like my cousin
General Love says, “Nobody put a gun to her head, did they?”

Then you turned around and forced Demi to introduce you to her kids and family.
Why are you forcing a woman to do what she doesn’t want to do? Do you really think
that it ups Interest Level? Her kids might adore you, pal, but Demi doesn’t.

The reason she’s looking for someone to count on is that basically she wants a
girlfriend. That’s you. You’re her girlfriend, buddy. She’s telling you this upfront.

What do you mean you may have made a mistake by telling Demi you’re willing to
wait for her? You’re basically saying you’ll do anything, no matter what it takes, and
that she can go out with a hundred different guys and get married 50 times. Yeah,
you’re really the epitome of a Challenge, all right!

So this babe thinks that when you ask her out on a date and have plans, you’re a
dictator. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love from East L.A. says, “Boy, talk
about issues.” And you maintain you can see her point. Well, you’re blind,
Dumont.
Because Demi doesn’t have a point.

Then she threw a fit when you wanted to treat her to a nice evening. Well, Dumont,
you’re not her boyfriend. She can see anyone she wants to see. If she asked you to
be her boyfriend and wanted to go out on a date with somebody else, that would be
different. But she doesn’t want to be your girlfriend. You want to be her boyfriend, but
she doesn’t want you.

If you have plans and it scares Demi, then she’s got a hang-up. To you psych
majors, when a guy asks a girl out, he plans the evening. Demi doesn’t understand
that. Wow
— she’s real sharp and has lots of social skills, too. Duh!

You say you realize that you’re too available for Demi, yet you don’t back off. Now it’s
too late to get out of the zone you got yourself stranded in. You should have been out
of that zone from the very start. And like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “She’ll realize
how much she misses you when you move up to the North Pole for a year.”

The reason Demi wants to get closer only when there’s booze involved is because,
as the old saying goes, “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.” And, like my cousin
Brother Love down in Watts says, “She don’t dig you when she’s sober.” When
she’s sober, Demi’s Interest Level is 55%, but after a quart of Jack Daniel's, it soars
to 95%.
So now Demi’s on a first date with this other guy. You don’t know anything about
their relationship, Dumont. And you don’t even have a relationship with her, so you
have no rights here. Who are you to tell her who she can go out with? And like my
cousin Rabbi Love says, “She wants a man, just not you.”

Here’s what you do: Write Demi off and memorize my materials. Otherwise all the
mistakes you made with Demi are going to be made with the next woman you go out
with.

One more thing. I feel sorry for Demi’s kids. I don’t want her driving around with them
when she’s half-looped. She should be in a rehab program, like I said, because she
has a huge problem. She’d better get over that problem before she becomes
anyone’s new girlfriend.

Remember, guys: If she doesn’t like you, you can’t force it.

Women With "Man Issues"

Hey Doc,

I met Meaghan through mutual friends. She took a shine to me and asked me out. I
accepted and we started a 15-month relationship that she ended several months
ago. When I met her, she had been recently divorced and had two young children.
She’s in her 40s and I am in my late 40s, divorced with no children. Also, just a
month or two before she asked me out, she ended an affair that had been going on
while she was married. Apparently it was a serious affair that was supposed to lead
to marriage, but the gentleman, a married man himself, dithered for two years so
she ended the relationship.

Then I stepped into the stadium. Red flags began to appear everywhere. Meaghan
made it clear that she wanted to be in a relationship that would lead to marriage. To
buy time, I told her I was looking at a 5 to 10-year courtship to make sure we were a
good match. After all, it would have been the second marriage for both of us.

Although the romantic part of our relationship was stunningly exquisite, she was a
tough woman to deal with. She snapped at me in front of her children on various
occasions, and even berated me in front of them once. She has spoken harshly to
the hired help. She enjoyed being taken out to pricey restaurants but never offered
to help pay for anything. I was helping her keep her yard in order, helped with the
kids, etc. Although she was an excellent cook, she rarely cooked for me. She also
had “man issues,” in which she declared that all the significant men in her life had let
her down. Even my sense of humor reminded her of her father at times, and she was
quick to point out its negative aspects. Only jewelry from particular stores would suit
her. In short, here was a Beautiful Woman with a heavy attitude and a sharp tongue
who was on the express train to Marriageville. Then again, our senses of humor
matched, our educational levels made conversation easy, and I believed there was
an opportunity for us as we got to know one another since she was lavish in praising
my virtues, which was good for my ego.

Ten to 11 months into the relationship, her Interest Level began to wane. She wanted
to see less of me. By month 15, I told her that if she did not start getting her act
together, the relationship would collapse on its own. After several attempts by both of
us to perform CPR on the dying relationship, she finally told me to love her enough to
let her go because she could not wait 10 years to get married. I walked away with a
bow. Now, several months later, she is dating another gentleman. I would like to
think I got off the SS Titanic before it left port. What is wrong with this woman? Did I
miss an opportunity by mishandling a difficult but promising lady?

Norbert — who is still puzzled

Doc Love's Response

Hi Norbert,

So Meaghan was carrying on an affair while she was still married? Great!
She believes in adultery! You picked a real winner, Norbert.

Now, let me get this straight. Both Meaghan and the guy she was cheating with
wanted to get rid of their spouses so they could marry each other. Then the two of
them could go and find someone else to commit adultery with again, right? Hey,
makes sense to me!

But you chose to ignore these red flags. Let me explain something to you, pal: red
flags mean you leave! I don’t know if you realized that or not. Maybe you should get
hold of “The System.” There’s a chapter on red flags in it. Like my cousin General
Love says, “Are you waiting to get blown up, or what?”

Why would Meaghan be looking for a relationship that leads to marriage? She
doesn’t get along with marriage. She has no respect for marriage, so why would she
want to get hitched again? It makes no sense whatsoever. And you shouldn’t have
mentioned a solitary word about marriage, my friend. When the word came up, you
should just have said, “Yeah, it would be a great idea.” And that’s it.
You say Meaghan is a tough nut to deal with. She humiliates you in front of other
people, including her kids. To you psych majors, you don’t want to marry someone
who’s tough to deal with. You want flexibility. You don’t want hard-headedness. Like
my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Why would you want to make your life a torment?”

After the very first time Meaghan snapped at you in front of her children, you should
have walked forever. Once a woman is disrespectful toward you, she’s out. And like
my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If she never offers to pay at pricey restaurants,
you should take her to McDonald’s.”

But you decided to become Meaghan’s gardener and babysitter instead. Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Sounds to me like you’re her stooge.”
Plus, she has man issues. All guys let her down, and you’re going to be just another
dope in that group. Another wonderful sign is that she hates her dad. That means
she’s really going to treat you well!

Norbert, your problem is that your Interest Level is in the 90s, you don’t have “The
System,” and you don’t see how dangerous this woman’s attitude really is. Even
without my book you should have seen that she’s nothing but trouble. The problem
when a guy doesn’t have “The System” and his Interest Level is in the stars is that
he rationalizes all the negative stuff, just like you’re doing now. So let me fill you in
on the truth about Meaghan: She’s nothing but trouble. You should have bailed on
her at the very beginning.

What does educational level have to do with emotion? What does your degree have
to do with the way someone treats you? Zip, that’s what. But you begged Meaghan
to help save your relationship. In other words you’re asking a woman to change her
entire personality after she’s been a certain way for 40 years. Is any person going to
change after 40 years? No way!

You did get off the Titanic before it left port. But you should never have bought a
ticket for the boat in the first place. What’s wrong with Meaghan? She’s a structured,
hardheaded, spoiled woman who gets her way with weak men whose Interest
Levels are too high. That’s all she is. So don’t worry about what you missed. This
lady wasn’t promising from day one.

Remember, guys: When you know you have a nutcase on your hands, leave sooner
rather than later.

Keep Her Interested

Hey Doc,
I reconnected with Chantelle, who I was friends with in college, this past summer at
an alumni function, and I could instantly feel the vibe that she was into me. She kept
touching me, saying I looked better now than in college 10 years ago, etc. We ran
into one another a month later and she asked me to go to the next alumni function in
a few weeks. Since I was kind of interested in her at that point, I showed up. Right
away, she showed interest again, and when she found out that I wasn’t married,
she became even more interested and touched me more. She had recently been
divorced and had a young child. We ended up going to a few bars after the event,
and she continually expressed her interest in me, calling me her man, saying we
could do great things together, etc. We ended up kissing quite a bit and the night
turned very romantic.

Afterward, we planned on meeting up again. Chantelle has some family members

that are ill. One recently passed away, and she has a parent who’s dying, so it was
tough for us to meet, but eventually we did, about 10 days later. That date went well,
too. We made plans to get together again, but I was busy with my parents coming to
visit, and she with her child and family illnesses. So we decided to get together once
my folks left and both our schedules cleared up. But when I dropped her an email
asking what her schedule was like, I got no answer. I let a few days go before
dropping her a text message. Still no answer. Basically it became like pulling teeth to
get her to respond. I decided to email her saying that I liked her, but was wondering
what was up and what she was thinking. I asked her to just be honest with me. I
finally got a response saying she was busy with her dad's illness, a busy work
schedule and her child.

I emailed and texted Chantelle a few more times over the next two weeks before
she finally responded that her dad’s illness has taken all of her time and that she
was casually dating someone else, but that this dating wasn’t the reason for the cold
treatment (I call BS on that one). She said that she wanted to remain friends and
appreciated me being concerned about her. Now, what confuses me is that she was
the one who initiated the interest, and was the one who expressed her feelings first,
and only then did I show mine.

What’s my next move to win her back?

Ivo - who is really confused

Doc Love's Response

Hi Ivo,
First of all, why did you wait a month to ask Chantelle out? If you were interested in
her, why didn’t you ask her out right away like you were supposed to?

All of Chantelle’s touching was great. To you psych majors, when she touches you
it’s a very powerful “go” sign. But you have to remember that you have to have a lot
of time in with the girl, plus a lot of green flags like touching in order for it to mean
something substantial.

Kissing Chantelle and getting very romantic with her at the end of the first night was
a huge mistake. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “What you did was give
away the store for free.” The key to dating is withholding, not giving, which you
don’t know because you obviously don’t have my book. And that’s what most guys
don’t understand in the beginning of a relationship.

Ivo, you don’t ask a girl what “her schedule is like.” You ask her out for a specific,
individual time and day. For instance, Thursday, Italian food, 6 o’clock. Black and
white. No gray areas. And she will or won’t accept it. You give her the date and then
let her worry about her schedule.

When you sent Chantelle emails and dropped her text messages and she didn’t
answer, it meant you were out. It’s that simple. When you get highly inconsistent
behavior from a woman two minutes after she was coming on heavy, that’s another
reason for not kissing her. And it’s not like pulling teeth to get her to respond, it’s
pulling low interest level.

But you continued to bug Chantelle and told her that you liked her. This is called
begging, my friend. Begging lowers Interest Level even further. Think about it: a girl
doesn’t return your messages and then you tell her you like her. Like my cousin Fast
Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Why don’t you send her two dozen flowers and an
engagement ring while you’re at it?”

Then you asked Chantelle to please be honest with you. Ivo, that’s the best and
funniest thing I’ve ever heard in my life! Did you ever for a second think that she was
going to tell you the truth? When she told you how busy she was with all the different
things in her life, you should have said, “Hey, when you get un-busy, give me a call,”
then written her off.

But you emailed Chantelle a few more times after all that. Like my cousin Uncle
Jethro Love says, “My God, boy, you’re beatin’ this horse to death!” In other words,
you have no concept whatsoever of letting females chase you, being a Challenge,
and that she should be wondering what you’re doing with other women. None of that
comes into play with you, Ivo. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You’re just an open
book!”
Now Chantelle is “casually” dating someone else. Her dad might be on his deathbed,
but she sure found time to get out with another guy, didn’t she? But, hey, don’t take it
personally, Ivo! On the other hand, it is true that this other guy isn’t the reason for
her icy treatment of you. No, the reason she’s treating you cold is because she
doesn’t dig you!

Don’t be confused by what happened. You gave away too much too soon, my friend.
You can show your interest by your actions, but you should never verbalize
them. When you told Chantelle that you liked her, you might just as well have
ended it right there. You had just two dates in with this girl. You have no basis for a
relationship with her after only two dates.

How do you win her back? You have to hit the lottery, dude!

Remember, guys: If she goes out with you twice and doesn’t want to see you again,
it’s OK to date other people.

How To Ask A Coworker Out

Hey Doc,

I purchased “The System” a while back and haven’t been able to put it down since. I
read it every day without fail and I thank you for coaching men like me to see the
light.

Here’s my dilemma. A nice young lady, Jenni, started working at my company about
six months ago. I noticed her giving me the eye here and there and finding reasons
to walk past my desk, but she wouldn’t give me direct eye contact or she would say
hello and walk by really fast, which showed me she had some interest but she was
shy. Aside from that, we rarely bump into each other, but when we do I make it a
point to speak up and keep things light, but she comes off as very nervous.

I’ve shielded my interest, as you advise in “The System”: “Go in slowly, stop, back
up...” and that has worked! We have company meetings and at the last one I noticed
that Jenni was trying to make eye contact with me but I got distracted by my boss. At
the next meeting, which was today, she made it a point to sit near me and
maneuvered things a bit so we wound up walking out together and making small talk.
We discovered we have quite a bit in common!

The problem is that we work in a small corporate office (about 50 people), and
everyone knows everyone else’s business. There were some people standing
around us and I didn’t feel comfortable asking for her phone number in front of that
crowd.
Due to a bad experience I don’t make it a habit to date my coworkers. However, I’m
thinking of pulling out all the stops with this one. What are your thoughts about dating
coworkers? Conservatively, I grade Jenni’sInterest Level in the low to mid 60s, and
based on the way things went today, I think there’s a good chance it will grow.

I’m not blowing up Jenni’s email or sending instant messages every five minutes. I’m
still playing it cool because we’re at work. And so I’m concerned about what my next
steps should be. Should I keep playing it cool and get her phone number at the next
opportunity, or let it go and move on to something less risky?

Thanks for your coaching!

Wellington — who feels like he’s on the right track

Doc Love's Response

Hi Wellington,

First of all, thanks for the great compliment. And as a result of taking “The System”
to heart, you haven’t made a mess of this thing with Jenni, which shows me that
you’re not only reading my words, but you’re heeding them as well. Congratulations,
my friend. You’re a smart guy. So far you’re doing a good job with Jenni. Keep doing
what you’re doing. But you have to get this girl into a conversation.

Now, inside your small corporate office is where things get tricky. There are no doubt
a whole bunch of other guys in the building who are after Jenni and want to take her
out. And some of those guys are envious and they don’t want anyone to get her. So
you have to be sure to keep your mouth shut in front of every other employee in the
place. Like my cousin General Love says, “In this operation, you have to be as covert
as a master spy.”

What you should have done when you were in the crowd after the meeting was
pulled Jenni over several feet to the side and said, “Here, I want to show you
something.” And at that point you should have closed andasked for her phone
number. But not if the other people could overhear you. You don’t want them
catching on to anything, guy. If you’d drawn Jenni far enough away and gotten her
digits, your office mates would have only seen your back and not what you were
writing down. So next time that’s what you have to do.

What are my thoughts on dating coworkers? No. 1, it’s very dangerous because
everyone in your office has a big mouth and nobody can keep a secret. Secondly,
you have to remember that if it doesn’t work out, it could very well get messy.
Because two things happen in a relationship: you get married or you break up. Most
of the time you’re going to break up. And if you break up with Jenni, remember that
you’re going to have to see her, she might talk to the boss about what happened, the
boss might side with her, etc. There are any number of scenarios here, and none are
good.

Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You’re really opening up a can of worms here,
boy.” So what you have to do is keep playing it cool, but when you get Jenni alone
again, get her phone number! But you have to do everything on the sly in order to
avoid complications. Remember, you’re working with a whole bunch of other people
and half of them want to take Jenni out themselves, and they’d love to find out about
what you’re up to so they can undermine you. Not to mention that everyone loves to
gossip about what’s going on in the office as it is. A dating relationship right under
their noses just adds fuel to the fire.

You can try to estimate Jenni’s interest all you want, but you don’t really know what
it is because you didn’t ask for her phone number. To you psych majors, nothing
starts until you ask for the phone number. So you’re getting a little bit ahead of
yourself here, buddy.

You shouldn’t be sending Jenni any emails or text messages at all. You should
be strictly business with her. But you definitely should get her phone number at the
next opportunity.

Just remember that if you go out with Jenni and break up with her, you have to see
her all the time. And in a small office, someone is going to sense what happened
between you. Above all, you don’t want your boss to sense it because if you get
married to a girl at work it’s OK, but when you break up with her, it isn’t okay. The
head honcho is going to know that there’s friction between the two of you, and that
isn’t good for business.

Remember, guys: When you hustle a girl at work, you have to be extremely cautious.

Are You Too Intimidating?

Hey Doc,

I purchased “The System,” read it and never looked back. I know from experience
that you don’t really need to know much about the guys who write in, but maybe this
is relevant: I’m a model, a final year law student and pretty independent, which lots
of women find intimidating. In the past, I would try and show them that I was just a
normal guy, but after reading your book, I realized that a little intimidation isn’t such a
bad thing. I learned a lot from your methods, mainly not to rush in and to take my
time.

My question relates to Laura, who I met when we were both teenagers. We used to
make out back then, but I didn’t consider it to be anything serious. I came across her
online profile a while back, and let’s say she had indeed blossomed. Instead of being
superaggressive, I took my time and really tried to read her Interest Level through
emails. But Doc, she didn’t bite.

We exchanged flirtatious banter but didn’t meet. I got tired of the cat and mouse
game, so I emailed her and called her out on everything I wasn’t happy about. I said
that her inconsistency made me aware of how uninterested she was. I also included
in the email that it would probably be the last time she heard from me! Surprise,
surprise! Five minutes later shecalled, but I stood my ground and didn’t answer my
phone, so she sent an email telling me that because she fell in love with me a
decade ago, she didn’t want to get her heart broken again. She also claimed that
she was completely unaware that I felt the way I did, and when we started chatting
again, she had butterflies but really didn’t think she stood a chance!

I really do like Laura. She’s that old-fashioned gal who has good values and is a
keeper. But I’m wary that what she’s saying is Womanese for something else.
Finally I replied to her message but didn’t spill my guts. I did mention that because
girls are always chasing me, I don’t really know how to pursue a girl I’m interested in.
We’ve been in contact ever since, but I really don’t know how to proceed. Do I go in
strong and ask her out? Do I go in slowly? Or do I sit back and do nothing?

Derrick - who doesn’t feel too smart right now

doc love's response

Hi Derrick,

The good news is that you’re good-looking and you have brains. The bad news is
that having good looks and brains doesn’t mean you can keep a woman in love with
you. You have “The System,” which is all about keeping a woman in love with you —
so you should be on your way. But remember, being good-looking only means that
you’re going to get moredates. If you don’t know what you’re doing, once you start
talking and interacting with a babe, those good looks of yours won’t mean a thing.

You say you used to try to show women that you’re just a “normal” guy. Now you’re
flaunting your looks and brains. But why are you trying to show them anything? Like
my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “There are plenty of handsome, smart guys who
go to law school.” It sounds like you’re just pumping your own ego here, Derrick. And
again, none of that stuff means anything unless you really know how to deal with
women. You are correct that a little intimidation isn’t a bad thing. But you’re blowing
your horn about stuff that doesn’t intimidate; that’s the problem.

Find out what else Doc Love has to say to Derrick after the jump...

You are also correct that you have to take your time and not rush in if you don’t want
to get destroyed. That’s the single most important thing in my book. Ninety percent
of the guys out there rush straight into rejection.

But Derrick, you can’t read a woman’s Interest Level through emails. You can read
her interest only by asking her out and sitting across from her and talking to her.
What you’re doing is changing the rules of “The System.” You have my book, and it
says you don’t communicate with a girl by phone or email or carrier pigeon. Are you
sure you read it even once? So why didn’t you meet Laura? Why didn’t you ask her
out? If she says no, you just throw her number away, like it says in my book.

Why in the world were you baring your soul to Laura about everything you weren’t
happy about? You never talk about your feelings with a woman, especially your
gripes. Dude, you have to read my book 15 times, because it’s obvious to me you
didn’t get it after just one reading. The only good thing about my book is that it’s
under your ceiling.

How do you know how interested or uninterested Laura is in you? You never closed,
so you can’t know what she thinks, because you never asked her out. You kept
going back and forth with your silly emails. Then you went and told her she wouldn't
hear from you anymore — you threatened her. Who are you, Macho Boy? Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “A cool guy never threatens; he just
walks away.” When it comes to Self-Control, you get an F, Derrick!

You might think you stood your ground with Laura, but you don’t have any ground to
stand on. Like my cousin General Love says, “You’re actually standing in quicksand.”
It never ceases to amaze me how guys take stands on things that don’t count.

It’s fair enough that Laura doesn’t want to see you again. "You Can't Go Back" is a
chapter in my book. Did you read that one, man? Of course she was unaware of your
interest in her, because you never asked her out. You tried to build a relationship on
emails, which can’t be done. Again, your problem is that you didn't close.

How you feel about Laura doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is HER Interest
Level in you. And since you never asked her out, you can’t judge her Interest Level
at
all. So you’re nowhere. You say you didn’t spill your guts to Laura. Pal, you didn’t
have any guts left, because you already spilled them when you told her how unhappy
you were and threatened her.

The only way to pursue a girl you’re interested in is by saying “Hi, what’s your phone
number?” So let me reiterate: There’s only one way to proceed in this situation. ASK
THE GIRL OUT. It doesn’t matter if you go in weak — JUST ASK HER OUT. Forget
strong and fast and slow — ASK HER OUT. Do what I tell you in my book. It’s all laid
out for you there. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “When you have the best
coaching available, there’s no need to flounder around.”

Remember, guys: If you don’t ask the girl out on a date, how can you tell if she likes
you?

Too Available
Hey Doc,

I’m in kind of a strange situation. I’ve been working with Emily for a couple of years
now. I’m 25, and she’s 40, divorced and with three kids. She’s a really nice person.
I’ve grown closer and closer to her, to the point where I visit her at her house for
dinner, we go out to the movies, just the two of us, and after work we both go out
jogging together. In other words, we were like boyfriend and girlfriend. When we
started doing things together, she’d just come out of a five-year serious relationship,
but we were friends when she and her boyfriend were still together. Before that, she
divorced her husband for that guy. When they broke up I was there for emotional
support.

Anyway, Emily’s been single for the past four months. I’ve always dropped
everything to help her whenever she needed something. I know one thing I did that
was wrong was coming on strong with her and telling her how I felt about her. She
said that everything I told her made her feel special. She liked that I told her that I
loved her.

Here’s the problem. Emily has another side as well — a wild side. She really craves
kissing other guys. Recently she met a 27-year-old guy on Facebook and they
started chatting. He is big and lives at the gym. She mentioned that she is going to
have a romantic evening with him, no strings attached, because she has very strong
physical needs. She knows how I feel about her but she said she is not ready for
any serious relationship. She asked me to come to a party where she was going
to see the other guy and told me to be strong. I went, got drunk and ended up on her
doorstep at 3:00 in the morning.

Since that night, Emily and I haven’t spoken a word to each other. We’ve seen each
other for three straight days at work, and it’s really getting hard. I don’t want to leave
my job and I know she doesn’t either. It was supposed to be no strings attached, but
she’s still chatting every day with that other guy. At work I’ve been acting as if I don’t
care, but it kills me inside when she texts Macho Boy. No question it would have
been better if we weren’t working together since she would have been easier to
forget.

Please coach me.

Etan - who’s dying inside

Doc Love's Response

Hi Etan,

Now let me get something straight. Emily is 15 years older than you and has three
kids? The huge age difference between you two isn’t good. You should be dating
girls in your age bracket — babes who are 23 and 24 years old, not someone so old.
Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “This one’s been around the
block a few too many times.”

You might think you’re just like boyfriend and girlfriend with Emily, but are you
actually kissing this divorced mother of three at the end of every date? Has she
asked you to be her boyfriend? You make no mention of it and I’m sure she hasn’t. If
you’re there for emotional support for her, you’re playing the “girlfriend/psychiatrist”
role for her — that’s it. Emily’s not looking at you as a romantic partner at all.

But you dropped everything to help Emily whenever she needed you. BIG MISTAKE,
guy. Like my cousin General Love says, “You’re on call like a 24-hour-a-day medic.”
Right here it’s obvious that you’re way too available and you’re absolutely
BUTCHERING Challenge. In fact, you’re not a Challenge to Emily at any time
because you’re too available and that means you’re killing the relationship. You have
no concept whatsoever of what Challenge even means.

If you knew it was wrong to come on strong to Emily and blabbed to her about how
you felt about her, why did you do it? She might have felt special when you told
her you loved her, but she didn’t say she liked you back, and that’s the only thing
that’s important.

Now, if Emily has a wild and crazy side and she craves kissing other guys and you
don’t want her to, you have to drop her. Because there’s no talking her into another
way of acting, there’s no changing her, and you won’t be able to live with her
behavior. You should have noticed her wild side before you gave this woman your
heart.

Emily might have very strong physical needs, but to fulfill them she doesn’t think of
you. Instead, she thinks of a stranger on Facebook and not the guy who’s been fixing
her sink and taking care of all the other chores around her house. That’s a bad sign,
dude.

Of course Emily is ready for a physical relationship — just not with you. She’s going
after Macho Boy, isn’t she? She’s serious as heck with him, right? And you’re the
one who’s been doing all the work in her home all this time!

But that humiliation wasn’t enough for you. You went to a party where Emily was
going to be kissing another guy. Any woman who would ask you — a guy who’s in
love with her — to come and meet some other guy who she’s dying to kiss, is sick. In
fact, you’re sick too for putting up with it. And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love
says, “Not only that, but you’re doing an imitation of a doormat at three o’clock in the
morning.”

Dating someone you work with is covered in "The System," which I’m sure you
don’t have. And if you do, you certainly haven’t read it like you’re supposed to. Etan,
your problem is that you fell in love with a woman who wasn’t in love with you. It’s
that simple. And this woman NEVER loved you. But you let yourself go head over
heels for her, you gave away the store, you’re too available, you’re not a Challenge,
and she knows she can do anything she wants with and to you — which means that
you’re just one big WIMP. To you psych majors, how can any woman respect a
wimp?

Remember, guys: If you’re going to date a woman at work, make sure you have
another job lined up.

The Friend-Zone Problem

Hey Doc,

I’m new to "The System," but I can already tell that it will help me immensely in
terms of keeping a woman. I was recently dumped by a woman I had very strong
feelings for, which prompted me to do some soul searching and find the root cause
of her plummeting Interest Level. That’s when I found your book. It’s helping me
address some of the mistakes I made in my past relationships and improve the
likelihood of keeping Ms. Right in the future. I appreciate your insight because even
though I was hurt by my recent ex, she was a flaky woman and she was never right
for me to begin with.
Before we get into my question, here’s a little bit about me. I hope I don’t come
across as pompous, but I think I fall into the 10% of men who are just naturally
charming. I have been my whole life, ever since I was a kid. I am in sales and I have
a very good sense of humor (I was class clown in high school), so I have no problem
talking to women and can instantly make them laugh. I am always the life of the
party and the first one to start dancing at a wedding. As a result, I develop chemistry
with almost every woman I talk to.

Here’s my question: Since I am very playful and have a good sense of humor, over
the years I have developed a lot of friendships with women. Now that I’m back on the
market, one of these friends, Lara, has shown a lot of interest in me. She always
showed interest before, but now that I am available, she is showing very high interest
and I want to date her. I have never been interested in dating any of my other female
friends except for her. There is just something about her that I find intoxicating. The
crux of my question lies in whether or not you feel a sustainable romantic
relationship can be forged out of a friendship. I value her as a friend, and we will
be forced to see each other if we ended up breaking up because we’re in the same
circle of friends, so I am unsure of the next steps to take with her.

What are your thoughts on this situation? Can a long-term romantic relationship
develop out of a friendship, or am I wasting time and risking alienating a friend?

Zen — who’s unsure how to handle her

Doc Love's Response

Hi Zen,

It’s great that you got a hold of my book when your romance met with a bad end. In
other words, you did what most guys don’t do. By doing your soul-searching, you
tried to figure out why your girl liked you in the beginning but ended up dumping you.
So, my friend, you took your first step toward awareness. And let me add this: In the
future, after memorizing my materials, when you run into a flaky woman, you’re not
going to fall in love with her. And not falling for a flaky woman is going to save you
an inestimable amount of time and money, not to mention your sanity and quality of
life.

Now, it’s great that you’re a humorous charmer. Being a lovable clown is good for
the beginning of things, but it has nothing at all to do with sustaining a relationship.
You’re able to win people over initially because you’re in sales, and that’s
phenomenal. This is a great trait to have, but it’s just the start and you still have a
long way to go, guy.
Let me explain something to you. When you have a lot of female friends, you’re
overlooking the fact that you could be spending time with a woman who could be a
potential girlfriend. That’s what you don’t seem to realize, so you’re wasting your
time, Zen. To you psych majors, it’s inefficient to date women who are your friends
because most of them don’t want to be any more than that to you. Therefore your
assumption that you develop “chemistry” with all females is wrong, and “The
System” is an efficiency system. If you want to maximize your time, Zen, date
women, don’t have friends who are females.

You might want to date Lara, but how does she feel about you? And like my cousin
Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You might find her intoxicating, but is she drunk at the
sight of you?” You’re trying to change from friendship mode to dating mode, but
this is bad because you’re going to have to see Lara if it doesn’t work, and odds are
it isn’t going to over the long haul.

Yes, pal, a romantic relationship can be forged out of a friendship — but it’s rare, like
one in a thousand. But if you want to give it a shot anyway, what you’re going to
have to do with Lara is ask her for love advice about the various other women you’re
dating. The rule is that you should never talk about other women, but you’re going to
break it in the interest of trying to find out whether Lara has any real interest in you.
This is what I call “advanced class.” Every time you see Lara you’re going to ask for
counseling about the two hottest women you’re seeing the most. If Lara insists that
she’s the one you should be seeing, you’ve got a chance with her. Another thing
you’re going to do is make all the other girls in the crowd laugh, which you seem to
be doing now. But again, remember that you’re going to have to see Lara all the time
if you come on to her, and the odds are that it’s not going to go well.

Dude, you are both wasting your time with Lara and you are risking alienating a
female friend. Like I said, the transition from friendship to romance happens rarely —
only once every thousand times. And don’t forget, if Lara doesn’t feel the same about
you as you feel about her, you’re going to be uncomfortable seeing each other for the
rest of your lives.

Remember, guys: Skip being friends — just date.

Long Distance Relationships Don't

Work
Hey Doc,

I have read your book nine times now. I’ve been on over 100 first dates and have
had around four or five extended relationships by using “The System.” My current
situation is that I’ve been dating a girl named Lisette for the past eight months. The
only real problem we have is that she goes to school 75 minutes away, but she
comes home every weekend and three months during summer. I know from your
book that you shouldnever do long-distance relationships, but up until last week,
everything was going great. I have to say I never saw a problem coming with Lisette.

Anyway, last Friday, I got a text that said, “We need to talk about our relationship.” I
called Lisette and asked what was up. Her response was, “Are we sure we want to
do this over the phone?” I said I didn’t care. She then said, “A long distance
relationship is harder than I thought it would be.” I shot out of the holster that if she
was having problems with it, then her Interest Level was just too low and we should
break up. I wanted to strike first, figuring it would be better to be the dumper instead
of getting my heart smashed in.

Seven days later, I received the following letter from Lisette:

“I need to be straight with you, and pen and paper is easier than words spoken. Long
distance was part of it, but not completely. When I asked you out eight months ago, I
didn’t know what to expect. I actually wanted the long distance between us because
being separated keeps emotions in check and doesn’t allow for my feelings to
overwhelm me. I know it sounds crazy, but what I didn’t expect was how incredible
you are. You made me comfortable yet nervous, you made me laugh and learn, but
most of all, you made me want to be a better person. The reason I texted you the
other day was because you scare me. I have started to become attached to you and
I can’t stand it. I didn’t know what was going to happen and I feared I would say
something that I wanted to say for a while. I’ve had a pressing urge to write this and I
don’t quite know why, but you deserve to know the truth.”

Doc, what the hell am I supposed to make of this? Does it mean that Lisette is
overwhelmed with love for me and that she’s scared, or that she’s lost her interest in
me? Am I supposed to come on stronger to Lisette now or leave her completely
alone? I’ve tried calling her several times but am not getting an answer. Please
coach me, because I’m totally lost now.

Burt — whose jaw is hanging open

Doc Love's Response

Hi Burt,
If you know from my book that you should never do long distance relationships, why
in the world were you having one? You say that you should never get into a long-
distance thing, but that’s exactly what you did. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love
says, “So whose fault is it that you’ve got troubles now?”

If you never saw a problem coming with Lisette, that in itself is a problem. The entire
point of “The System” is that it prepares you for problems because it increases your
awareness. You won’t have to be on guard, but you’ll be more aware and, hence,
you’ll be prepared to anticipate problems and deal with them as they arise.

Let me explain something to you, buddy. When a babe says that you and she have
to talk about your relationship, it means you're dead in the water. But when you told
Lisette that her Interest Level was too low and that it was time to call it quits, you hit it
perfectly, my man. Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, you deserve the
Medal of Honor for bravery.” It was also good thinking to make a preemptive strike
rather than wait to get your heart crushed.

Now, let me get this straight. Lisette writes you a letter telling you that she’s met a
guy she liked — you — but then doesn’t want to get involved with him? Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “This girl doesn’t need a guy — she
needs a shrink.” Then she goes on to add that the feeling of love, which makes
everyone in the world feel better, she can’t stand. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says,
“This chick don’t make no sense.” This is all just a smokescreen for the fact that
Lisette has met another guy, one she does have a wild and crazy Interest Level in.
When she says you deserve to know the truth, the question is, what’s the truth?
What’s really going on here? Another guy is the answer.

So what should you do with this? Guy, you already did it and it was the right thing to
do: You got rid of Lisette. So there’s nothing to answer now. She’s not overwhelmed
with interest for you — she’s lost it altogether. At this point, you’re supposed to not
only leave her completely alone, but you’re supposed to forget her too.

The fact that you’re not getting an answer from Lisette after repeated calls to her
verifies the fact that she has a new guy, and that’s what she didn’t tell you in that
letter that is supposed to be telling you the truth but really says nothing. No response
from her really ties the whole thing down, pal. You’re out and she’s history.

Remember, guys: Long-distance relationships never work.

She Loves Him More

Hey Doc,
I’d like an answer for something that my friends can’t seem to help me with.

Anastasia and I have known each other for seven years, and now we’re a couple.
She’s everything I want in a woman — she’s beautiful, sweet and always wants to
help. Everyone else is more important to her than herself. She has a sense of humor,
she’s smart and she understands me. I want to spend my life with her.

So here’s the situation. We live an hour away from each other. I see Anastasia two or
three times a week, and we keep in contact every day by phone. My concern is
that she has an ex, Brett, who is still in her life. She says she was deeply in love with
him before they broke up, and they still see each other where they work every day.

One night I asked her, “If you could travel back in time, which of your boyfriends you
would choose to be with?” Unhesitatingly she chose Brett. I was totally disappointed.
The thought that I am No. 2 is just driving me nuts. When I asked Anastasia if she
loved me, she said yes. When I asked how much, she said enough to want to be with
you.

So I console myself now with the thought that Anastasia is still with me and tell
myself that I can make her forget Brett altogether. But I don’t know how to make her
forget him and I can’t ask if she’s forgotten him because that will do nothing but
remind her of him.

Doc, I am always gallant, a nice guy and a gentleman. I’m confident, too. I am
always there for Anastasia when she needs me. If she needs time alone, I give it to
her. But I don’t want to be No. 2. I don’t know if I can handle it, and I need some
coaching
to make me No. 1. What also concerns me is that Anastasia is in closer proximity to
her ex every day than I am. What if something gets rekindled between them? I
won’t stand a chance because I’m not there.

Sven — who wants to understand how to keep the girl of his dreams

Doc Love's Response

Hi Sven,

First of all, why would you want your friends to help you with your relationship
problems? Your friends know less about relationships than you do, so why would you
want them to lead you further astray? You’re supposed to go for coaching to “The
System.” That’s where all the answers are, not with your friends.
You might want to spend your life with Anastasia, but where’s her Interest Level?
Does she want to spend the rest of her life with you? That’s the only thing that
matters, my friend, but you don’t know that because you don’t have my book.

Let me explain something to you. The reason Anastasia should never have been
your girlfriend in the first place was because of Brett, especially when she lives too
far away. And why did you ask Anastasia that ridiculous question about which of her
boyfriends she would choose? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says,
“Dude, are you into suicide or something?” Why did you set yourself up just to be
hurt?

When Anastasia unhesitatingly chose Brett over you, you should have walked
straight out the door right then and there. You should have stood up and said,
“You’re still in love with that guy, plus you see him every day at work,” and then
split, and that would have been the end of it. Sven, what you have to realize here is
that you never owned this girl in the first place. The Dating Dictionary says, “Are
there any ex-boyfriends lurking in the background?” And the answer in this case is
a resounding yes. But, again, you don’t know about that because you’re not familiar
with my techniques.

To take it further, the thought of being No. 2 drives you batty because you were
never No. 1. And you accepted the position of No. 2 voluntarily. You knew Anastasia
worked with Brett, you knew she lives an hour away and that she spends eight hours
a day with this guy — not to mention that he was the love of her life. You had to see
what was likely to happen here. The point is that you were never No. 1 for Anastasia
and you will never be No. 1 for her. You were finished with her from the start.

Anastasia might have said she loves you, but she loves the other guymore. She
might want to be with you, but not enough to make you No. 1. And how are you
going to make Anastasia forget someone else? Think about it logically, Sven. Can
you put a gun to Anastasia’s head and order her to forget Brett? Are you going to
force a pill into her mouth to give her amnesia? The very best thing you said in your
letter was that asking her about Brett is going to do nothing but remind her of him.
Bingo! You finally get it, pal! You came in as No. 2, you’re always going to be No. 2,
and you’ll go out No. 2.

You’re not a nice guy, Sven; you’re a weak guy. You made Anastasia your girlfriend
when she was in love with someone else. And so this was a dead issue from the
beginning and you had no shot with this girl. Of course you’re always there for
Anastasia when she needs you. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You’re
just like her butler.” In fact, you’re a butler who kills Challenge! By the way, Sven,
does Anastasia also tell you what corner to stand in and when to exhale?
Don’t worry about the flames being rekindled between Anastasia and Brett. They
were never un-kindled!

Remember, guys: If a girl is not available, she’s not available.

Living With Unemployment

Hey Doc,

I’ve always done really well with women in the short term. I was married once, but
it fizzled and she left me for another man. Since then, I’ve been going through
women like crazy.

Here’s my current situation: I lost my job a few months ago, and now I’m without
unemployment benefits. I’ve had some temp jobs, but I can’t find anything in my
salary range. Why do I mention this? Because I met my current love, Sandra, while
unemployed.

We dated casually for a few weeks. Then she was supposed to go and see her on-
and-off boyfriend, but she abandoned the plan and asked me to be exclusive with
her instead. Since then, she has spent her time with me. I have strong feelings for
this one, Doc. The reason I’m so compelled to be with her is because she dates me
despite the fact that I’m unemployed.

That I do not have an income and am on the brink of losing everything seems to
mean absolutely nothing to her. This shows extreme moral fiber, and the women I’ve
dated in the past can’t compare to her. The reason I’m writing is because I haven’t
been able to spoon-feed myself, and I’m afraid of destroying Challenge simply
because Sandra knows I’m not employed and am without money.

For instance, I can’t tell her I’m going out somewhere without her because she
knows I’m broke. Because I don’t have money to take Sandra out, she makes
accommodations and/or has paid for me. Our time has been spent just walking on
the beach, watching movies or having a simple dinner at home. I’m a simple man,
and this relationship is what I’ve always wanted. But, like I said before, I feel as if I
might be making huge mistakes by not being able to take this relationship slow
enough.

Sandra gives and gives and gives, and I rarely have to return. The most I’ve done for
her is to drive to her house, which is about 15 miles away. I also brought her a care
package once when she was sick — and that’s about it. She’s done far more for me.
Doc, do you think I’m doomed? Sandra encourages me to keep looking for work and
not give up. She compliments me and tells me I’m special, even though I feel like a
lowlife. She sees something in me I sometimes fail to see in myself because of my
job situation.

But isn’t it going too fast? Do these kinds of things work out?

Keen - who can’t believe his luck

Doc Love's Response

Hi Keen,

First, let me correct you on a couple of points. Most guys — not just you — do well
with women in the short term. First dates are usually great, and then it’s all downhill
from there. And your wife didn’t dump you for another man. She fell out of love with
you and then someone else came along and took your place.

The fact that you’re looking past beauty shows that you’re pretty sharp and are
focusing more on character and brains than on physical beauty. Good for you.

What you should do is take a job that’s not in your salary range, and in your
downtime, hustle for something better. This will show your prospective employers
that you’re ambitious. Tell them you’re flipping hamburgers because you would rather
be working than not working. They’ll be impressed with your industriousness and will
be more inclined to hire you.

If Sandra dates you without complaining or making demands when you’re out of
work, it means you’ve definitely met an angel here, pal. Like my cousin Rabbi Love
says, “Most women won’t put up with the condition of unemployment.” But Keen, I
hope you’re looking for a job 8 to 10 hours a day. You have to really impress upon
Sandra how you’re pounding down doors all day long to get a job. You’ve got a heck
of a girl here, because she sees your potential. Make sure you recognize it in
yourself.

Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If a woman will endure poverty
while dating you — assuming it’s not because she can’t get anybody else — you’ve
got a gem.”

As far as spoon-feeding yourself and not destroying Challenge is concerned, you’re

a little mixed up. Sandra already knows you’re unemployed. And if she’s your
girlfriend,
you can’t hide it from her. You shouldn’t want to even if you could because it’s too
big a deal in your life. But as long as you’re not saying “I love you” every five
minutes, you can remain a Challenge. Being unemployed is not anti-Challenge in
itself.

Make sure you don’t tell Sandra everything about yourself. The only thing she knows
is that you’re unemployed. She doesn’t have to know more. To you psych majors,
Challenge has to do with not blabbing about your feelings and not being too
available.

Dude, you can spoon-feed yourself by seeing Sandra only twice a week and staying
off the phone with her. If you abide by my principles and know what you’re doing, you
should be all right.

You say you rarely return Sandra’s generosity, but you should. You should tell her
how much you appreciate her.

Up to this point, you’re handling everything well. Just make sure you keep your trap
shut about your feelings and express your appreciation to Sandra on all of her
generosity. And don’t forget to spend a lot of time beating the bushes for a job.

Yes, this relationship can work out. But Sandra won’t put up with your unemployment
forever. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If you’re out of work
for a year or more, she’ll start asking herself, ‘What the heck’s wrong with this guy?’”

Remember, guys: Most women won’t allow themselves to like you if you’re out of
work.

Lying Girlfriend
Hey Doc,

I’m 26 and a major fan of your profound work “The System,” which should be
mandatory reading for every male before he leaves high school. I unfortunately have
only been a student of your work for the past three months and I fear I'm a bit late,
as I may have totally messed up my relationship.

I met Patrice, 25 and very attractive, eight months ago at a friend’s wedding. I got her
number and we went on a date. It went great. I was cocky and funny and kept the
conversation about her.

Patrice and I had wonderful chemistry and I enjoyed being around her. By the night
of the third date we were making out. She initiated it, as I always remained reserved
and a Challenge. It was a fantastic experience, but did present a red flag because I
thought that making out after only three dates was kind of fast. Patrice and I decided
to date exclusively. I made a comment that if a woman has been romantic with more
than five men I would find her too promiscuous. She did not take the comment well,
and I should have never made it. She later revealed to me when discussing our pasts
that she had been romantic with seven men prior to me. I accept that this was a
foolish move because I was talking heavy topics well within the initial 60-day dating
period.

Patrice proved herself to be a Flexible Giver with an Interest Level in the 90s, and
she gave me no reason to question her loyalty to me. Four months ago, however,
she admitted to me that a questionable male “friend” she initially suggested to me
was platonic was really a past lover. I became suspicious of their relationship when
she mentioned that they were still friends and that his dad would be linking her up
with a job in his company soon. She assured me that nothing was going on between
them currently. I was very hurt and turned off, but decided to try to forgive Patrice
despite the situation not sitting well with me because of my pride and the fact that
she and her ex might be working together.

I have become insecure and suspicious that Patrice may not have been fully truthful
with me about her past. I recently had a conversation with a mutual friend about the
discomfort I was feeling and she revealed to me that Patrice did not mention another
guy she was with and therefore was romantically involved with a total of nine guys
prior to me. Patrice has said she loves me and did not want to chase away the only
great guy she ever dated. However, I do not know if I can trust Patrice to tell me the
truth. I also feel like Patrice has been around too much and may have been too easy,
and I do not trust the working relationship between her and her past lover.

Doc, am I being an uptight Macho Boy letting my ego get in the way of a great girl?
Should I leave the past alone or should I dump Patrice before I end up getting myself
hurt?

Liam — who feels like he may be walking into a trap

Doc Love's Response

Hi Liam,

It’s simply amazing to me that a guy will read a hundred of my columns, finds that
what I say clicks with him, then doesn’t buy my book! No, he will only buy it once he’s
in deep trouble with a girl. To you Psych majors, you should get “The System”
immediately if what I say in my columns makes sense to you. Because every guy I
talk to says the same thing: “I should have gotten it sooner.”

Making out with Patrice after the third date was a big mistake. You should only kiss a
girl on the doorstep after a date. You’re on a date with this girl to find out what’s
between her ears. That’s what’s important here. In the future, when a girl comes on
to you physically, just tell her you’re shy.

Patrice might have been kind of fast, but you went along with it, Liam, didn’t you?
She didn’t have to put a gun to your head to get you to make out with her, did she?
So you were just as out of line as she was. Finding it “slutty” that Patrice was with
more than five guys was the stupidest sentence that ever escaped your lips, dude.
You mean to tell me that you haven’t fooled around with a few girls yourself? What if
Patrice threw that same accusation back at you? And why are you talking about her
past? Why are you talking about other men? Why are you talking about a heavy
subject? No, no, and no!

So Patrice didn’t take the “promiscuous” comment well. Really, Liam? Like most
men, you talk too much. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says,
“Once it escapes your mouth, it’s too late.” What Patrice has done in the past is
done. It’s what she does in the future that counts. So get off Patrice’s past — if you
haven’t blown it already.

The real red flag here is when she admitted that a “platonic” friend of hers was really
a lover and you caught her in a lie. But again, you’re bringing up past relationships,
which is a no-no. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Men want women to be on a
pedestal.” So why would you ask Patrice a question that will knock her off that
pedestal? Dumb, dumb, dumb!

That said, Patrice shouldn’t take the job with her ex’s father. Taking it goes against
loyalty. Like my book says, there shouldn’t be any ex-boyfriends— or their fathers
— lurking in the background. This has nothing to do with your pride, guy, but it has
everything to do with respect. When you have a steady girl and her ex’s father is
going to get her a job, there’s a rat somewhere and you should be smelling it.

Then came guy number nine. But I don’t care if Patrice was involved with 40 guys,
and what’s more, this information came from a third party. Was that third party there
watching Patrice and guy number nine? How does she know what was going on
between them? And why were you talking to other women about your love life?
Another mistake! Maybe this mutual friend doesn’t like Patrice and wants to
undermine your relationship with her. Did you think of that? Patrice’s problem is not
her past — it’s you, asking all these stupid questions!
No, you’re not being a Macho Boy. Patrice is a liar. But her past has nothing to do
with this situation. You’ve mixed apples and oranges here. However, she doesn’t tell
the truth and the situation with her ex’s father is not acceptable.

What should you do now? Leave the past alone and get rid of Patrice because she’s
a liar.

Remember, guys: when she lies, she’s out.

She Cancels Dates

Hey Doc,

I purchased “The System” 10 months ago and have been through it a couple of
times but am having a tough time using it to help me through my current situation.

I met Bridget a year ago. She was a waitress in the bar my roommate managed.
She’s cute, funny, outgoing, and an all-around great person. I got her number and
asked her out. We went out for dinner and had a few drinks, but not too long
afterward our conversations became bland and I would get one-word replies via text
if I got any response at all. I’m no dummy, and I got the point. It was over. I found
out later that she started seeing some other guy at this exact same time.

Fast forward eight months. It was Bridget’s last day at the bar where we met.
Everyone was buying her shots and she got way too tipsy. My roommate asked me
to make sure she got home safe. The problem was that she was incoherent and I
had no clue where she lived. I ended up just taking her back to my place, covering
her up on the couch with a blanket and leaving her a bucket. The next day she felt
embarrassed for her actions and yet grateful to me for making sure she was okay. So
she offered to take me out as a thank-you. We went out for dinner and some drinks
again. The night was fun.

Since then, it’s a regular thing where the two of us will go out after work to unwind
with a drink. It’s very friendly but light. It wasn’t until last month that I noticed
Bridget’s Interest Level climbing. Her friends have told me how much she talks
about me. I received a text message from her that was a picture of her and her three
sisters with the words, “These girls can’t wait to meet you.” It means she’s talking to
her family about me. She also cancelled a trip with her family to come out for my
birthday and the amount she touches me has skyrocketed.

Two weeks ago, we went out for pints. Afterwards, she was practically throwing
herself at me, but I was scared to kiss her. Last Friday, I had tickets to a concert and
asked her to come along. She did. We ended up going to a local pub after that and
danced. When we got to her place I told myself I had to kiss her. She had no
objections and things got a little intimate.

After I kissed her, Bridget suddenly bailed on our next date with the excuse that she
needed to catch up on work. She got a promotion with her company and says she
needs to be caught up before she starts her new position. I’m not sure what to think
of that excuse. I waited five long days to get in contact with her, asked her out for
dinner and she gave me the same excuse of needing to work. She did, however,
apologize for being “flaky” and said with a laugh that she knows that there are a few
things we need to discuss after our last date — but she did not give me any
counter- offer.

I honestly thought I had it right this time, Doc. I thought all the signs were there and
that kissing Bridget was what she wanted me to do. Now I don’t know what the next
step should be. I really feel like the next move needs to be on her, but am fearful that
if I leave her alone she’ll disappear.

Declan — who is extremely confused

Doc Love's Response

Hi Declan,

You’ve only been through “The System” a couple of times in 10 months? Like my
cousin General Love says, “Can you imagine a Super Bowl quarterback going
through the playbook only a couple of times before the big game?” Guy, he’d have
every single detail down! You have to read my book once a week for 15 weeks and
study it all the time, because you have garbage between your ears and the reason
you’re in your current situation is because you’ve only been through the book a
couple of times. To you Psych majors, you have no idea how deep this stuff goes.

Now, how do you know that Bridget is such a great person? And what exactly is a
great person, Declan? Why are you giving her all this credit?

Let me explain what really happened. Bridget started going out with some other guy.
You had your chance with her and you didn’t capitalize on it. Why? Because you only
went through my book a couple of times. And that was it — it was finished.

When your roommate told you to take Bridget home, you should have told him that
you weren’t a taxi service. And you should have told Bridget to call a taxi because
you have more important things to do. This was your big mistake, pal. Here’s the
point: It was already a done deal!

But you went out with this girl when it was already over and you took her to your
house. Instead of going out for drinks with her, you should have told Bridget you had
a girlfriend. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You have the shortest memory in
history, my son.” You had your shot with this girl and it was over. Why were you
wasting time with her again?

Then you went and talked to her friends about your dates. Another mistake! You
have to remember that Bridget already lost interest in you in the past. This is a
second go-round. Don’t you get that, guy? Nevertheless, you ended up kissing
Bridget, who doesn’t like you. Great!

And of course she bailed on you right after you kissed her. I’m shocked! This proves
that she’s had it with you. She keeps giving you the excuse that she needs to work
so she can’t possibly see you. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “It’s
obvious she’s in love with you.”

Declan, when a babe says that she needs to discuss something with you, it means
you’re out! Finito. When she says she’s flaky, that means you’re history. Of course
she didn’t counter-offer. Women with high Interest Level make counter-offers.
Women with low interest break dates. This is very, very complex stuff, my friend!

Yes, you did it right this time, buddy, but unfortunately you did it the second time
around. You did it with a girl you got dumped by before and it was already over.
Therefore, there was nowhere for any of this to go.

Remember, guys: if you don’t memorize "The System," you won’t keep her.

Earn Her Respect

Hey Doc,

I’ve been reading your columns and I am so impressed that I just purchased your
book. I'm going through a very hard breakup and I could really use your expert
coaching.

I started dating Krystal when I was 21 and she was 18. After years of being on again
and off again, I’m now 28 and she’s 25. We were broken up a lot because she kept
leaving me and winding up back with her ex-boyfriend. She cheated on me with
him, and when I got rid of her, she came back to me, begging and pleading and
saying she made the biggest mistake of her life. I took her back.
Well, Krystal wound up leaving me again for him. Then, two years ago, she once
again left him and told me that I am the man she really loves. We have been together
ever since. This past February she told me she wants to marry me and I bought her a
ring and we’ve been engaged since then. Since our engagement, we’ve argued
numerous times over finances, because the wedding she wanted was more than we
could really afford.

Last week we went out separately with our friends and my phone died. When I
charged it in my car at three in the morning, I messaged Krystal and explained, but
she blew me off. The next day she said she feels a distance in our relationship. I
asked her who was at the bar she was at last night and she named some people —
including her ex-boyfriend. I was furious. I felt that, because she’s my fiancée, she
should have had more respect for my feelings.

Well, our fight went on for a few days and now Krystal is calling off the wedding. She
says our relationship is irreparable. She gave me back my ring and is prepared to
cancel the wedding date. I am devastated, as I have put my faith in her numerous
times, although she didn’t deserve it. I thought that maybe this time she had finally
grown up and matured. Can you offer me any insight and coaching?

Lonnie — who feels like he got shafted

Doc Love's Response

Hi Lonnie,

If you’d gotten “The System” earlier, you wouldn’t be going through this pain right
now. Because “The System” is all about pain-prevention. To you Psych majors, don’t
come to me when she’s getting rid of you, come to me when she just starts dating
you. If you're prepared going into a relationship, you can do things the right way from
the beginning and not have to be a clean-up case when it’s already too late.

As soon as you tell me that you and Krystal are “on again and off again,” your letter
has to go no further — because you’re finished. Secondly, when you began dating
Krystal, you were both between the ages of 18 and 21 — which means you were
both very young and neither of you were grown up. This combination of factors
means it’s over, pal.

You took Krystal back because your Interest Level was too high. But that was just
one problem. In addition, like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You
have no backbone.” You sanctioned Krystal’s treatment of you, Lonnie. When you
take her back repeatedly after she dumps you for her ex, you’re telling her that it’s
okay to treat you in a horrible, unloving manner. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love
says, “Can’t you find anybody else in town to date?”

When you get engaged, you’re supposed to sit down with your fiancée and go over
all the financial arrangements for the wedding, from clothes to food. But you gave
Krystal a ring before you had this all-important discussion — another huge mistake.
You never should have given her a ring before you agreed on how your money was
going to be spent when it came to this wedding.

Why were you furious when Krystal mentioned that her ex was at the bar where she
was partying? Her behavior towards you has been consistent all along, guy. She
treats you horribly, then you have a little peace; she treats you horribly again; you
have a little peace again, etc. Then she begs, and you take her back and then she
runs off to her ex again, etc. This is an endless, vicious, predictable cycle. You
shouldn’t have been surprised in the least. And why does this cycle constantly repeat
itself? Because you’re weak and you don’t have any cojones.

The best thing you said in your letter was that your fiancée should have some
respect for your feelings. But the problem is that she has no respect for you because
you never earned it. When you take a girl back after she treats you like dog crap, why
would she have any respect for you? You never earned respect and you never
negotiated respect. See how this works, Lonnie? It’s good that you finally got “The
System,” but you’re seven years late!

Likewise, Krystal never deserved your faith. And like my cousin Rabbi Love says,
“Where did your faith get you, my son?” I’ll tell you where — into nothing but more
pain.

I got news for you, guy — Krystal is never going to grow up. But what’s wrong here is
not merely a matter of growing up. This is the way she’s wired. And she’s wired to
treat you like crap. And because of your low self-esteem, you’re wired to take her
back and be miserable again and again. Eventually you two will have kids and they’ll
be miserable too, because they don’t know right from wrong. And they won’t know
who to marry because they’ve grown up in a lousy household. Like the old Chinese
saying goes, “The cycle will continue on.”

You want insight and coaching? Start memorizing my materials and forget Krystal.

Remember, guys: When it’s over, don’t go back.

The Honeymoon Phase
Hey Doc,

Natasha and I have been together for almost five months. The tell-tale signs of high
interest were there at the beginning. It included lots of physical contact as well as
introducing me to friends and family. Now, everything has changed. There’s
emotional intimacy, we’ve exchanged the ‘L’ word for a while now, and she came
home with me recently to meet my family. I’m definitely in a loving relationship, but
where's the spark? I think people can love one another without really wanting each
other. Natasha’s certainly not tearing my clothes off anymore and I’m not convinced
she’s all that excited to talk to me or see me even though we spend pretty much all of
our time together.

The situation is confusing and there are a number of variables to consider. Natasha’s
pregnant now (it was unplanned) but she’s excited, even if she’s concerned with her
body image going in the wrong direction. So, given that there’s so much happening,
including what I believe to be a genuine emotional attachment between us, I’m
having trouble determining whether Natasha’s interest has declined or if we’ve just
transitioned into being a comfortable couple. In the past, I’ve bailed out when the
relationship loses the “spark,” but I get the sense that everyone else thinks it’s
normal to lose the honeymoon period and we should all just accept that.

I do what I can to maintain interest, like arranging nice dates and I make it clear that
I’m still very interested in Natasha romantically. Since there’s genuine love in this
relationship and a baby on the way, I’m eager to see if Natasha’s actually lost
interest in me and just wants to stick it out since we’re comfortable together and have
some higher stake in things now. I’d much rather a girl just break it off at the first sign
of disinterest than keep me as a placeholder until the next, more interesting guy
comes along. Sometimes there’s just nothing to be done about whether someone is
interested in you or not and you have to just cut your losses (though I’ll add here that
I’m still going to be involved with the baby and support the baby and Natasha either
way).

Where do you stand on the subject, Doc? How can you tell the difference between
entering a normal comfortable relationship period and a real decline in interest?

Fabian — who’s concerned about the future

Doc Love's Response
Hi Fabian,

Having all of these things happen with Natasha within the space of five months was
awfully fast — it’s much too fast, and that’s your main problem. But it’s not true that
people can love each other without wanting one another. To you Psych majors, when
you love somebody, you want them. If you don’t want them, you don’t love them.

Let me explain something to you. Natasha isn’t all that jazzed to see you anymore
because you’re right on top of her all the time. You’ve absolutely murdered
Challenge by spending all your time with her. Guy, you have to have some outside
interests in life. You can’t expect a woman to be everything to you. So you’re too
available for Natasha. You’ve headed into the boredom stage so quickly because
you don’t have any other things occupying your mind. If you did, you’d at least have
something to talk to Natasha about.

The reason that you’re having trouble deciding whether Natasha’s interest has
declined or you’re just transitioning into another stage is because it’s really half of
one and half the other. The truth is that you have already gone into another phase of
the relationship, but on the other hand, you are seeing Natasha too much. The only
remedy for this situation is having outside interests, as I said earlier.

Yes, there is a honeymoon period in every relationship and it will always come
to an end. But the fact that Natasha is not arguing with you and putting you down is
a great sign. It means that there is genuine love and respect on her part. And it’s
good that you arrange romantic dates with her. You’re doing the right thing here, my
friend. This is called the maintenance program, which you have to use especially
when Natasha is going to be the mother of your child.

It’s true that Natasha’s Interest Level is no longer in the 90s. It appears to have
dropped to 75% because you don’t have enough in your life aside from her and
you’re starting to smother each other. Like my cousin General Love says, “You’re
like two people locked in a cabin in Alaska for six months.”

You might prefer that a woman let you go if she’s no longer all that keen on you, but
here’s the problem: There’s a child involved now. You can’t overlook this part of it,
Fabian. You never should have gone to bed with Natasha, you never should have
told her that you loved her, and you should never have met each other’s families,
because it was all too soon. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says,
“This was just one big rush job.” You rushed everything, like 90% of the men out
there. A measly five months for all of these major developments was way too little
time. They should have been spread out over two to three years. It’s obvious that you
weren’t going by the techniques in my book when you got together with Natasha in
the first place. Now it’s too late.

You can’t just cut your losses now, buddy. And you’re also going way too fast on the
subject of leaving Natasha. Aside from the fact that you both rushed into this whole
mess, you and she have a loving, respectful relationship for the most part. The
problem is that when you don’t have anything else interesting to do, you’re only with
each other all the time and that will kill any woman’s Interest Level because you
present absolutely no Challenge. That said, you have to remember that you can’t
be thinking solely of yourself anymore. You are a family now and you have to
consider the child that’s going to arrive soon and getting married.

How can you tell the difference between entering a new phase of a relationship and a
real decline in interest? Simple: no fighting — and you two aren’t fighting.

Remember, guys: When you kill Challenge, you kill the relationship

Rules Of The Friend Zone

Hey Doc,

Before I read “The System,” I got myself trapped in the friendship zone with
Jeanna. I want out. I just finished my first reading of “The System,”and I am
starting on my second.

Your book implies that if you’re trapped in the friendship zone, it’s because Miss
Right has low Interest Level. I want to think my case is different, but is it just my ego?

Jeanna is a smart, ambitious woman with strong opinions about dating. In fact, she
tells every guy who ever makes a move on her, “I don’t date — at least not until
I’ve finished school.” I knew this about her before I ever became attracted to her.
She
thinks that dating will keep her from achieving her goals: to graduate top of her class,
to get her Ph.D. and to travel. She works very hard to achieve her goals, and I have
no doubt that she’ll be successful.

For Jeanna, a 51% Interest Level isn’t going to cut it. I think it would have to be
much higher. On top of that, if she has high interest in a man, and he asks her out,
she’s likely to turn him down because she knows it could lead to a relationship and
she doesn’t want that. Her only close companions are her best friend, members of
her family — and me.
We got to know each other through the same study group in school. She invited me
out to lunch. We had a great time. Since then, we’ve met to do date-like things once
every two to three weeks for nearly a year. At first I wasn’t attracted to her, but as
time went by, I began to notice how subtly beautiful she is, and how intelligent and
creative, too. My interest started going through the roof, but I knew she wouldn’t
consider dating until she’s accomplished her goals.

If I ever had a shot with Jeanna, I may have blown it recently. She came over for
breakfast, and she started talking about her dating philosophy, which upset me. She
asked, “Why are you so uncomfortable?” and I said, “Because I like you as more
than a friend.” A big mistake according to “The System.” She was concerned, saying
that she hoped we could still be friends. Then I made another mistake: I told her we
could. After all, we were friends before I was attracted to her. I should have taken
that moment to end the friendship.

So now here’s my plan. I’m going to stop hanging out with Jeanna altogether. Likely
she’ll move on and forget about me. Meanwhile, I’ll use"The System” and meet
other women. If she wants to hang out with me, I’ll blow her off. Soon after, I’ll call
her and ask her on a date. No more hanging out as friends. If her Interest Level is
high enough, she’ll agree. If she declines, I’ll just continue to meet more women.

I understand this is a long shot, Doc, but could it work?

Kirk — who’s still trying to understand

Doc Love's Response

Hi Kirk,

You might have just started on your second reading of my book, but you’re going to
have to read it another 13 times because I have to get all of the garbage out of
your head!

It’s a half-truth that being trapped in the friendship zone means that Miss Right
has low Interest Level. That’s part of the reason, of course, but the other part is that
you never asked Jeanna out. And you should never have gone out with her as a
friend, which means that you trapped yourself in the friendship zone from the very
beginning. If you’d asked her out at the start and she said no, you would have known
that her Interest Level was 49% or less and you wouldn’t have wasted all your time.
Dude, your case is no different from all the other guys caught in the friendship zone
— in other words, it’s all your ego.
Jeanna’s goals are very admirable. If she runs into the wrong bum and falls for him,
though, she won’t reach them. But this girl sounds sharp. Anyway, you don’t have to
worry about what Interest Level Jeanna has in some guy who comes along, because
she only has 49% interest in you. You’re trapped in the friendship zone, remember?
If she had 51% interest in you, it would mean that there’s a little interest romantically.
But you’re out of luck on that one. And that’s why you have to read my book once
a week for 15 weeks.

Now let me explain something to you, my friend. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
from East L.A. says, “If she meets someone she has 90% interest in, she’ll forget all
about college fast.” Jeanna just hasn’t met anyone who’s knocked her socks off yet.
The point is that it’s going to be harder for you to get to her. If her interest in you is
55% to 70%, she’s going to opt for studying. If you had used Challenge on Jeanna,
which you didn’t because you’re her friend, then you might have had a shot at her.

Guy, you never do “date-like” things — you date. Period. You used the back door
into the friendship zone, and all you did was reinforce being trapped in the friendship
zone.

You might have discovered belatedly how beautiful and smart and creative Jeanna
is, but she doesn’t have those same feelings for you. It’s her feelings for you that
count, not yours for her. And you have to keep in mind that when she reaches her
goals, it doesn’t mean she’s suddenly going to dig you. She’s not going to say to
herself when she gets her Ph.D: “Oh, now I’m allowed to like Kirk!” You already shot
your wad with her, pal. She already knows everything there is to know about you —
on the friendship level.

You told Jeanna you liked her as more than a friend? I can’t believe you read my
book once and said that to her! Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You’re
begging, paisan.” And begging is a chapter in my book, by the way. To you psych
majors, you never come on verbally with a girl. The girl always comes on to you first
and you just say, “Honey, you have great taste in guys.” That’s all.

You can be friendly with Jeanna, but all the time you were with her, you should have
been talking about other women and asking her for love advice. Like my cousin
Rabbi Love says, “She would have thought that you were a Lothario.” "The System”
says you don’t talk about other women when you’re dating a girl, but when you’re in
the friendship zone, you can yak about other women all you want. Because then
Jeanna will say, “Well, what about me? Why don’t you take me out? I’m tired of
hearing about those other girls!” That’s ideally what you should have been working
for, Kirk. But you don’t give a friend a lot of time, like you did. We’re not here to
be friends with girls — we have buddies for that.
And, no, your new plan can’t work. You’re way too deep in the friendship zone, and
the quicksand is about to close over your head.

Remember, guys: When you start as a friend, you’re going to stay stuck as a friend.

You're Too Needy

Hey Doc,

I’m new to your columns, but I like your straightforward approach and how you tell it
like it is.

I just got out of an eight-year relationship. We were married for four of them, and it
was pretty rocky. We didn’t treat each other well, and we were both insecure and it
was basically a situation where if we weren’t fighting and arguing, we were ignoring
each other. I ended the relationship several months ago, and am now back on the
market.

Two weeks ago I met a great girl, Fern. She has all the traits I want in a significant
other. She’s beautiful, fun to be around, athletic, takes care of herself, and is a great
mom. This past week was the first time we had a chance to hang out together one-
on-one (we met online), and we had a great time. She has her kids at night, so after
she put them to bed, I went over to her house and we sat on her couch and
watched a movie. Then I kissed her goodnight (it was awesome) and went home.
The next night Fern invited me over again, but this time we got closer, and soon we
were entrenched in a full-blown make-out session. It was fantastic, a great night.
The
following night she invited me over again. These were three of the most fun times
I’ve had since my marriage ended.

Then we had our first disagreement. It was all my fault, and I'm bummed that it
happened. I talked to her the next morning and she told me she would text me when
she got off work. By 9:30, I still hadn’t heard from her. I was really upset because
she said she would call me after work, and when hours went by and I hadn’t heard
from her, I started to panic and freak out about it, and finally around 9:40 sent her a
message that said, “Well, I’m going to turn in for the night, hope your night went well,
I know you stay pretty busy, but it sucks to be on this end when I don’t get to hear
from you.” It was pretty dramatic, and looking back I feel really dumb for saying it.

Around 10 she called and I told her I didn’t think this was going to work out because
she was obviously too busy for me. She got really upset. She said she didn’t
understand, and that she knew she told me she was going to be out late helping her
mom (in fact she did, but I forgot), she was sorry she didn’t text me, but she said she
made an effort when she got home and got her kids in bed to do so. I was still upset,
but I felt like an idiot for not being able to just not be insecure. She reassured me that
she liked me, and that she was happy seeing where our relationship would go.

Doc, what can I do to avoid this in the future? I really like Fern, and I want to give this
relationship a chance to become something legit. Can you coach me not to jump off
the cliff when I don’t hear from her?

Dion — who can’t seem to control himself

Doc Love's Response

Hi Dion,

If you like the way I tell it like it is, imagine how much more you’re going to like it
when you invest in my book and get the whole truth!

Both your ex-wife and you are in my book, Dion. Every mistake you made with
her and every mistake she made with you are covered in those pages. Now that
you’re finished with this disastrous eight-year relationship, you won’t want to repeat
every mistake you made. And the only way you are going to prevent that from
happening is by going by “The System.”

Now let me get this straight. After knowing a woman for 14 days, you’re convinced
that she has every trait you want in a significant other? From that statement alone I
know that you don’t have any clue what you’re doing. I don’t mean to drive the bus
over you, but this is a really, really naïve statement. And this is the reason you were
married for four years and had a horrible, horrible relationship with your wife. Your
thinking is not clear, my friend.

You shouldn’t be hanging around Fern’s house all the time until she’s your girlfriend.
Again, like most guys, you’re rushing in, and what you’re rushing into is rejection. And
by going to Fern’s house night after night when you don’t even know her, you’re
absolutely murdering Challenge. You’re giving away the store, you’re too available,
and you’re telling Fern that no other woman on the face of the planet likes you, which
is the worst part of all.

Then you got yourself entangled in all the basic communication errors that are also
covered in my book. You call me, I’ll text you, we’ll touch base, etc. To you Psych
majors, you communicate to get the date, not to get her to call you back. When you
want to discuss something with her, you discuss it face-to-face. This is a hard and
fast rule.
You mention that Fern is the mother of more than one child. When you were freaking
out over not hearing from her, how did you know that something didn’t come up with
one of them? You’re all over this woman as if she was already married to you. Then
when you finally talked to her, you accused her of being too busy. Dion, when you
talk to Fern, you should find out what the problem is, not write her off to her face. All
you did was put her on the defensive. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East
L.A. says, “You come off as a really uptight guy.”

The second biggest complaint from women is that men don’t listen, which you proved
when you forgot that Fern told you she would be out helping her mom. The first and
biggest complaint is that men come on too heavy. They spend too much time
hanging around in the early stages of the relationship. Does this ring a bell, Dion?
You’re smothering this woman already and you hardly know her.

So you’re screwing up with a nice girl. What can you do to avoid this in the future?
Get my book, read it once a week for 15 weeks and I guarantee this will never
happen again. Of course I can coach you to not jump off the cliff when you don’t
hear from Fern — because that’s what I do.

Remember, guys: if you like my columns and don’t have my book, something’s
wrong with you.

Make Yourself Unavailable

Hey Doc,

I’ve been reading your articles for some time. My situation is somewhat different from
those who’ve written you in the past and I hope you can coach me because I’m at a
loss for what to do.

I’ve been with Ash Lynn for over a year and a half. For the first year she was head
over heels in love with me, and at the beginning I was a Challenge so I’m guessing
that was part of it. But she begged me to open up to her and show her how I really
felt. Now please don’t be too hard on me, but I showed her my inner wussiness. She
loved it because she finally got to see the inner me and how I really feel. Well, now
as of late she has lost interest in me. She feels that I crowd her and we are
possibly at the end of the relationship.

To keep it real, Doc, I’ve been through many women, but not many relationships. I
have a daughter who loves Ash Lynn too, and I’d like to keep her for that reason as
well. I used to be No. 1 on her priority list but now I’m either last or not on the list at
all. She says she’s still in love with me, but mama didn’t raise no fool. It’s apparent to
me that I’m losing her more and more every day. If she’s going to leave, I’ll deal with
it, however, I’d like to have one last shot at saving our relationship. What can I do to
put myself on Ash Lynn's priority list again? She’s not the average chick that likes
love notes and surprises and roses. She would see those things as smothering her.
So with that in mind, how can I get her to re-fall in love with me or be drawn totally in
by me... again?

Denton — who is an ex-player

Doc Love's Response

Hi Denton,

You’re not just guessing that Challenge got Ash Lynn to fall head over heels in love
with you. Challenge is what worked. For a year and a half you two had a super
relationship when Ash Lynn was all over you, and that was because you were a
Challenge to her. There’s no mystery at all here, pal.

You say that Ash Lynn asked you to open up and show her how you really felt. But
about what? To you Psych majors, you have a pile of good feelings and a bad pile of
bad feelings inside yourself. If you revealed to Ash Lynn how you feel about all the
positive things in life, there’s no problem with that whatsoever. But if you blab and
whine about the negatives — your fears and anxieties and weaknesses — then it’s a
completely different story.

And that’s what you did, my friend. You put your previously hidden weaknesses and
fears and anxieties — your inner wussiness — on display. This is what will kill
Interest Level. Now why in the world would you do that, Denton? It’s the epitome
of anti-challenge. Think about it. Why would you go against the principles that
worked for you and got Ash Lynn to fall madly in love with you in the first place? Yet
that’s exactly what you did.

You say Ash Lynn loved knowing how you really feel, but the truth is that she loved it
only temporarily. Of course she’s lost interest in you now. You opened up on your
weaknesses and fears and anxieties, which lowered her Interest Level significantly.
Now you’re out.

What happened, Denton, is that you got my book and studied Challenge, but you
didn’t carry through and stay with it. This is why you’ve lost your girl. I can tell that
you’ve been through many women and not many relationships, just the way I can tell
that you didn’t read my book 15 times, which is what you have to do.

Sadly, you can’t keep Ash Lynn now, because she’s gone. You’re not on any of her
lists because you did not heed my warning in “The System”about revealing your
inner wussiness. And you’re not losing Ash Lynn, my friend — she’s already lost.
She’s gone. You blew it with her a long time ago. And don’t worry about her leaving
you at some point in the future — she’s already left you.

You don’t seem to be able to get that through your head. You don’t have any last
shot at saving this relationship because it’s already over. The only thing you can do
to possibly put yourself back on Ash Lynn's priority list is disappear. When she calls
you, tell her, “I’d like to talk to you sometime, but I have a date and she happens to
be in the bathroom right now.” If Ash Lynn's Interest Level is at least 51%, that
tactic will pull it back up.

Ash Lynn might not like love notes and surprises and bouquets of flowers, but you’re
beyond all that anyway, Denton. You’re talking about a woman from the past now.
What you should be talking about is the new girl you’re going to meet in the future
that you’re not going to bring out your inner wussiness with. And like my cousin Sal
“The Fish” Love says, “How’d you get conned into that anyway, man?” So don’t give
a second thought to the tactics that will smother Ash Lynn. You’re getting
sidetracked onto another issue here. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A.
says, “You’ve got four flat tires and you’re talking about a transmission problem.”

The only chance you have now with Ash Lynn is making yourself unavailable,
Denton. You have to vanish and hope it brings her back.

Remember, guys: romantic love is highly conditional.

She's Not Flexible

Hey Doc,

I’m 24 and Mira is 23. We’ve been together for almost a year and a half. I think the
world of her but sometimes she’s a burden, and that’s my problem.

Throughout our relationship I’ve noticed lots of communication issues with her that
trouble me. She has an inability to handle any kind of confrontation. I’m an Army
veteran and a current reservist, so for me, deployment had always been a possibility.
I’m slotted to deploy in May, so of course we have to talk about everything that
entails. But she flat-out told me she didn’t want to talk about it. That ended the
conversation. I can understand the emotional toll a loved one can endure knowing
her significant other is going to leave for a year, but the fact that after I went through
the effort to explain it she couldn’t form even a thought about the deployment really
threw me. Why wouldn’t she want to understand why I’m leaving or my thought
process?

At times Mira’s selfish about what a relationship is about. To me it’s about give and
take. But 90% of the time it’s me giving and her taking. Take her pets, for
example. She has two small dogs that annoy me, but I deal with them. I want a boxer
dog when I get a place of my own, but because her dogs are so small, she says they
won’t be safe. It’s absurd to think that if I get a puppy that it won't naturally
understand there’s a size difference between them. I even suggested training them
so they would get along, but Mira resisted, saying she doesn’t have enough time to
do both training and school. I work 40 hours a week, go to school four days a week
and still find time to do anything she needs around the house.

The trend continues with our living situation, a meager arrangement in an apartment
with her father. We share a 12x12 bedroom with all her stuff and my stuff, much of
which are my important documents and childhood memories, and of course those
wretched dogs. I want a place to call my own, but she insists that it’s best to live with
her dad until we save at least $10,000 to furnish an apartment. I can easily furnish
one for $2,000, but she won’t have that. I even suggested moving after she finishes
school, but she rejected the notion, saying she would never want to leave San Diego.
I’ve seen Asia and most of the United States and it’s beautiful out there, yet she’s
reluctant to even move out of her dad’s apartment.

Doc, I’m no slouch. I’ve paid my dues in life and make a respectable living while
trying to get an education. When do I draw the line and sever the ties with
someone who can’t get out of her comfort zone? Mira’s a great girl with a big heart,
but just how far does that go when it doesn’t suit me even in the near future?

Barton — who’s desperately seeking answers

Doc Love's Response

Hi Barton,

Your problems with Mira aren’t a matter of confrontation. You are two people in love
with different backgrounds and values. To you Psych majors, the woman has to have
the ability to sit down calmly and discuss important issues with the man. If she can’t
do it, it’s a deal-killer. Or, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “This woman will
drive you nuts over the long haul.”
Now let me get this straight. You’re leaving a girl who’s deeply in love with you for a
whole year, and she doesn’t want to talk about it? Do I see structured here? Do I
see hard-headed? What do you think, Barton? And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
from East L.A. says, “If she couldn’t form even a thought about you being away for a
year, maybe she doesn’t have a brain.” I’ll tell you why Mira doesn’t want to know
about what you’re thinking: Because she’s childish and immature.

I know lots of people that have both big and little dogs and they get along fine. And
I’m very impressed with the way you handle your life, Barton. You sound like a hell of
a catch. But guess what? Mira doesn’t see it. Worse, she doesn’t appreciate it.

Your big mistake was moving in with this girl, my friend (and by the way, the divorce
rate for people who live together before marriage is higher than it is for those who
don’t). All the things Mira refuses to do should have been massive red flags for you,
Barton. Remember the old Elvis song, “Hardheaded Woman?” The lyrics go like this:
“Well, a hard-headed woman, a soft-hearted man, been the cause of trouble ever
since the world began.” Sadly, that’s where you are, dude. You’re in a world of
trouble because of Mira’s temperament. Again, you never should have moved in with
her, and when you discovered that she was unable to negotiate anything at all with
you, you should have dropped her instead of getting closer.

Mira might have a big heart and high Interest Level, but she’s not a giver. She’s the
opposite — a taker. And she’s not Flexible – again, she’s just the opposite. She’s
Structured and she’s Hard-headed. So what you have in Mira is a terrible and
dangerous combination – a hard-headed taker. What you should have instead
is someone who sits down with you and negotiates and who is a flexible giver.
Since you’re only 24 years young, if you stay with Mira, your future doesn’t look rosy.
Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You can look forward to living in pain for the next
60 years.”

Remember, guys: Red flags are red flags for a reason.

Adulterous Relationships
Hey Doc,

I’ve been with Cara for just over a year. When we met and started dating we were
both married. We left our spouses and moved in together. I’m 46 and she’s 43 and
we had each been married for over 20 years. Cara is very attentive, loving and
caring. We are very much in love. But I am very stupid, as you will see.

Anyway, Cara was married to a doctor who completely controlled her life. When she
met with her attorneys during the divorce proceedings and told her story, they all
cried. The doctor was mentally abusive, dominating and critical. But he’s also
very rich (he’s worth $10 million-plus). They lived in a mansion but slept in separate
rooms for 10 years. She had a couple of affairs and so did he. She basically stayed
for the security, since security is a very big issue for her. I was married to a very
unaffectionate woman who had lost respect for and interest in me. I also had several
affairs. I am not rich (I’m worth half a million), but have no debt, a paid-off house and
my own business.

Cara’s divorce was ugly and stressful. Towards the end of the process, there were
several meetings with her ex for settlement talks. During one of them he convinced
her that he had terminal cancer. He told her he had proof that I was cheating on her
(I am not). Cara is very caring and has a very big guilt complex, so she began
speaking to her ex again and a few weeks later I came home to a note saying she
went back to him and felt she needed to take care of him and give him another
chance.

Three days later Cara called me, said she made a mistake by leaving me and asked
to come back. I allowed her back, and two weeks later she did it again. She came
back 12 hours later. We talked and she said she got spooked because of her ex’s
constant warnings that I would cheat on her and she would end up poor and broke.
Then she spooked and ran again, was gone for 12 hours and called me. She said
how much she loved me and couldn’t live without me. Three days later I let her come
back. We had three weeks of bliss and then she was gone again. She called me 12
hours later and showed up at my door three hours after that. This time I told her she
couldn’t come back. I told her to take some time and go and live with her mom or
rent a hotel for a while but not to talk to her ex. Of course we are talking again and
she wants to come back.

Doc, I’m an idiot and want Cara back, but I don’t trust her. Everyone says I’m crazy
and my brain tells me the same, but I can’t let her go. Do you think we have a
chance?

Zachary — who knows she cares about him

Doc Love's Response

Hi Zachary,
Let’s get something straight here. You and Cara committed adultery with each
other to kick off this so-called relationship. So how in the world could you possibly
trust each other now when your entire connection is based on deceit? The answer is
that it’s impossible. Before Cara met you and she was married to her doctor, she
demonstrated no respect whatsoever for the institution of marriage. Why is her
attitude going to change now?

And let me straighten you out on something, Zachary. Security isn’t just the big
issue for Cara. It’s the only issue. This babe goes strictly by the money — who has
more of it. That’s it. Nothing else matters to her. And you might have a half a million
in the bank, no debt and your own business, but you’re forgetting what else you have
— an absence of morals.

The reason Cara went back to her doctor ex-husband had nothing whatsoever to do
with her being a caring person. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “She just went back
to the bank.” Do you really think that she’d care enough about the doctor to go back
to him if he was broke? The answer is no. But like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from
East L.A. says, “His pile of gold is bigger than your pile of gold by about 20 times.”

That said, the relationship between the doctor and Cara sounds like a match made in
hell. But then the relationship between you and Cara isn’t much better. You
contradict yourself when you say that you told Cara she couldn’t come back to you
but now you’re talking again. To you Psych majors, when you tell a woman she can’t
come back, that means you’re not going to even talk to her. The problem for you is
that Cara keeps working your high Interest Level in her even though she’s not
going to leave the bank. But like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If you hit the
lottery, she’d drop this other guy like a bad habit.”

You say that you don’t trust Cara, but the truth is that you don’t trust anybody and
neither does she. Like I said before, the two of you committed adultery when you first
met. So what do either of you know or care about trust? Trust has never been an
issue in your life — keeping it or otherwise.

Do you have a chance with Cara? No, you have no chance with her whatsoever. This
thing was sick from the beginning, it was sick in the middle, and it will end up being
sick. This is your reality, dude. You’re a sick puppy and Cara’s a sick puppy. The
only thing you can do now is get my book, memorize it and stay away from Cara.
You’re no good for her and she’s no good for you.

Remember, guys: A relationship built on adultery will die on adultery.

Mixed Messages
Hey Doc,

Four months ago I got together with Marina, a colleague from work. She’s 31 and a
secretary with whom I have regular contact every day. We started dating after one
drunk and very nice night, even though I didn’t want to mingle at work. At the
beginning her Interest Level was quite high (I would say 60% to 65%). She was
a Flexible Giver and even invited me to a weekend at her parents’ place.

Unfortunately, I didn’t know “The System” at the time (I’m going through it now) and
as I had certain reservations about our relationship (she is 31, two years older than
me and already talking about kids and family). I wasn’t being the best boyfriend. I
said to her that we were just a fling and I was going back to my home country (I’m in
the United States for two years for work). I noticed that her Interest Level started to
drop, but not too much because she was still hanging around and cooking at my
place, etc.

Then we went on vacation separately. At first she was enthusiastic and we chatted
online every day. I could see that she was really into me. She even promised that
she would do everything that she could to keep me until next summer so that we
could spend a proper holiday together. Then I noticed that she was experiencing
some mood swings. I began to feel that something was changing. The day she
returned from vacation she broke up with me, saying that she needed time and space
to think about what she wants in life.

For the first two weeks after the breakup I didn’t want to accept it. We were
constantly in contact and I tried to patch things up. It wasn’t the best idea because
she doesn’t like pressure, so I left her alone. When we talked, the talk would always
be the same. She said she was sorry that I had to go through this, she doesn’t know
what she wants, etc. I kept telling her that I wanted us to get back together, which
she also said that she wanted. But every time we tried something concrete, she got
scared and shut down.

Marina has now started to avoid contact with me at work (even though it’s
impossible). Her Interest Level has dropped significantly (I would even say it’s below
50% now). I want to apply “The System” to this girl, but I’m not sure if it's worth it
now.

Doc, the bottom line is this: I’m not sure if Marina is being honest with me anymore.
I’ve started to lose trust in her. There’s no giving from her side. She has lost her
Flexibility. On my side, I’ve lost my Self-Confidence when it comes to her.
Sometimes I lose my Self-Control and discipline when I text her. I believe I’m no
longer a Challenge to Marina because she believes she can have me any time
she wants. Are Marina and I hopeless for the future?

Gideon — who is starting to feel like there is no hope

Doc Love's Response

Hi Gideon,

First of all, 60% to 65% Interest Level is not all that high. High Interest Level is 75%
to 85%. Next, it was way too soon to go to Marina’s parents’ place. You should
only meet the parents after six months. You guys were rushing.

But here’s the crux of the problem. When you told Marina that you were going back
to the old country and that you and she were just a fling, you were telling her that it
was over, and you didn’t even realize it. And you still don’t realize it. You expect this
babe to love you and be all over you and in the next breath you tell her that you’re
leaving
for home and you’ll never see her again and you pretend like she doesn’t even hear
it. So why would she want to spend a proper holiday with you, dude? You’re going
back to the old country. For her, this is all a waste of time.

“Mood swings” mean that her Interest Level is dropping like a bomb. To you Psych
majors, when her Interest Level drops, she’s going to go back and forth and back
and forth with you, but it’s just part of the bowing out ritual that women go through.
They’ll say they’re all mixed up and they don’t know what they want and down deep
they really like you, but it doesn’t mean a thing. I don’t care if it’s Montana or
Mongolia, you’re going to get the same pitch.

But you’re still missing the point here, Gideon. I don’t see how you and Marina could
be so close and not discuss the fact that you’re leaving the country. And you flat-out
insulted her when you told her it was just a fling. Marina was in love with you and you
just chalked it up to nothing more than a fling. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love
says, “That’s a slap in the face.” Between that slap in the face and your return to the
old country, why should she stay in love with you?

What you have to do now is have a sit-down with Marina and first apologize for
insulting her by telling her that you two were just a fling — because it wasn’t just a
fling. And second — if you can do it — tell her that you’re going to apply for residency
in the United States because you don’t want to go back home and risk losing her.
Unless you do that, this babe is gone forever.

When you talk about Marina’s trust and honesty and Flexibility and Giving, you’re
way off-base, guy. She has been trustworthy and honest all along. You’re the one
who’s been untrustworthy by calling your relationship just a fling. If you had had my
book "The System" a year before you met Marina and read it 15 times, she’d still be
with you right now. But of course you’d still have to stay in the United States.

Are you two hopeless for the future? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East
L.A. says, “You have as much chance with this babe as you do getting hit by a
meteorite when you’re taking a stroll down the street.”

Remember, guys: when you insult a woman to her face, expect her Interest Level
to drop.

She's Disrespectful
Hey Doc,

I’ve read your book a couple times now and I always read your articles, but I’m
having trouble with a situation.

Darcey and I have known each other for two years. She’s a member of the group of
friends that I study with at college. She’s not what you would call drop-dead
gorgeous, but she has her own style that is unique, and when she gets done up she
is easily the most beautiful girl in the room. The reason I mention this is that even
though she’s 21, she hasn’t had many boyfriends. Sometimes I feel like she’s read
your book because she uses many of the tactics you describe. She doesn’t initiate
contact, she isn’t affectionate in public and she’s kind of shy so she doesn’t blab
about herself or ask me a lot about myself. For this reason, our first few dates were
pretty shaky. I had no idea if she liked me or not. Imagine two people who seem to
have interest in each other but show no affection, no physical contact and the
conversation is somewhat one-sided because I’m filling in the silence — that’s what it
was. I could tell she was really nervous when we first went out and may have been
trying to hide her Interest Level because she holds her cards pretty close to her
chest. She’s warmed up a bit though, and over the past two and half months she’s
been very Flexible and seems to have a good attitude. We didn’t tell any of our
friends/classmates/family about our relationship. It wasn’t a secret, but I just figured
she’d eventually tell someone and it would all come out. It never did, however.

Last weekend we were out with a group of friends. Darcey was much more outgoing
and more affectionate than usual (she wasn’t trying to hide our secret anymore).
But
what happened later in the night was a little unsettling. While a group of us were
dancing, I looked over to see her legs wrapped around the waist of my best buddy
(he is also in our circle of friends). He seemed to be stunned at what was going on. I
didn’t want to make a scene and just kind of ignored it. After all, showing jealousy is
a no-no in your book. Other than that, the night went well. She draped herself all over
me, kissed me and ended up going home with me.

Doc, I’m a little confused and I have been thinking out the possibilities here. This is
what I’ve come up with: (1) Darcey was unaware that she shouldn’t come on to my
friend due to her lack of relationship experience. (2) She was overcompensating for
the fact that she wanted to get my buddy dancing (he got dumped after a six-year
relationship a couple months ago and is still kind of beaten up about it). (3) She was
trying to make me jealous because I was sitting back and not drooling all over her.
(4) She has no respect for me and didn’t care about my feelings.

I’m considering saying something to Darcey about what happened. Do you think this
is the right way to go? Should I tell her that she has crossed the line and that what
she did was disrespectful (regardless of her intentions) or should I brush it off and
just keep it in the back of my mind in case something like this happens again? The
benefit of me bringing it up now is that it will show that I’m not afraid to call her on it
and might force her to have some respect for me. If I don’t bring it up, I’m worried
she’ll think I’m a wimp.

Bonzo — who doesn’t want his time wasted

Doc Love's Response

Hi Bonzo,

Reading my book just a couple of times won’t cut it, my friend. You have
to memorize this material, not just read it twice. And the reason you’re having trouble
with this situation is because you didn’t memorize it.

Gosh, I would hope at 21 that Darcey hasn’t had lots of boyfriends! But if she doesn’t
talk about herself or you a lot, any chance she just has low Interest Level? You have
interest in Darcey, all right, but like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says,
“She just showed up.” To you Psych majors, you must not confuse showing up with
high Interest Level. And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Silence is a bad,
bad omen.”
The reason Darcey’s holding her cards close to her chest is because her cards have
nothing to do with you. She might have seemed Flexible and had a good attitude
over the past two months, but you have no indication whatsoever of her Interest
Level.

Bonzo, the most revealing thing in your letter is that Darcey told no one in the whole
world about your relationship. Why do you think that is, pal? Think maybe she’s not
really interested in you? But who cares if it came out or didn’t? And who cares what
other people think? When she wrapped her legs around your best friend, the picture
became as clear as it’s ever going to become. What it meant was that she has low
Interest Level in you and high Interest Level in him. Notice how all of a sudden this
shy, introverted girl came alive and threw herself on another guy? She came out of
her shell because of her high feelings towards that other guy.

We don’t care at all what your friend thinks, by the way. That scene on the dance
floor had nothing to do with making you jealous. But it had everything to do with
disrespect. Think about it. Darcey is supposed to be with you and she has her legs
wrapped around another guy. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “So
what would you tell me if I was your younger brother, bro?” But you say that other
than that, the night went well. Boy, can you rationalize, Bonzo! Like most men, I
must add.

Darcey might have gone home with you, but like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “That
was just to make up for sinning with your friend.” She was disloyal when she threw
herself at your friend, guy. You shouldn’t have taken her home. What you should
have done instead was dropped her off and thrown away her number!

Now let’s look at your rationalizations. First, Darcey did it because of her lack of
relationship experience. If you really believe that one, dude, I have a bridge I’d like to
sell you. Second, she was trying to help your friend. Sorry, more rationalization. So
numbers one and two make no sense. Let’s look at number three: She was trying to
make you jealous. Darcey wasn’t trying to make you jealous — she just dug your
friend and that’s why she wrapped her legs around him. And number four? Bingo!
But it’s not just that Darcey doesn’t have respect for you. She has no Interest Level in
you. And if she’s not interested in you, why would she be respectful?

Saying something to her now is a complete waste of time. So you’re not going to tell
Darcey anything. You’re going to walk away and never call her again. This is why
we have the Bottom Line Factor. You don’t go out with a girl you’ve been with for
two and a half months only to watch her wrap her legs around another guy. Simple.

One more thing. Darcey doesn’t dig you. Therefore she doesn’t even care if you’re a
wimp.
Remember, guys: when your girlfriend wraps her legs around another guy, it’s time to
leave the relationship.

Build Physical Attraction

Hey Doc,

Here’s the issue. I’ve never read “The System” and by chance stumbled upon your
columns. You give great coaching and I’m hoping you can give me some, or tear me
a new one. Either would be immensely helpful.

I graduated a few months ago from college and decided to move to Washington,
D.C. from the Midwest, but I waited around for a few months before actually going. In
the meantime, I went onto a free dating site just to see what kinds of girls were
available in Washington. I never intended to meet anyone, but you can never predict
what will happen on those sites.

Anyway, I met a girl named Roxanne. The site believed we were a good match, so I
thought, why not? We started things slowly and as the weeks carried on, we were
talking all the time, texting, Facebooking, etc. Then we moved on to nightly phone
calls. As time went on, her interest continued to rise. She kept asking me how much
longer until I would be living in D.C., and she would become very affectionate. She
even said that she was "falling for her phone” because that was the only way we
communicated.

Fast forward. I’ve now moved to the nation’s capital and actually met Roxanne. She
works in the financial sector so at this time of year she is insanely busy and she’s
also gearing up to take a CPA exam. I know this is true because I have friends doing
the same thing and you have no time for anything. So I totally understand, and I think
that you should only see each other once or twice a week anyway when you first
start dating. If I could see Roxanne once on the weekend I’d be pretty happy. But this
is where things have gotten weird.

I saw Roxanne for the first time the night I got to Washington, and then two days
later. It was obvious to me that she was pulling away from me. She hasn’t returned a
phone call and I’ve stopped trying after the second. She barely texts me anymore
and when she does she isn’t affectionate like she used to be. She did send a very
affectionate text last night, but from multiple times a day to one affectionate text and
I haven’t seen her in two weeks? What gives?

Roxanne said that she hasn’t dated in over a year and that she’s “weird” and trying to
adjust to me, then told me, "Absolutely, yes," when I asked if she wanted to be
exclusive.
You gotta coach me Doc. Is Roxanne testing me? Did I do something wrong? If so,
what?

Mats — who is hopelessly confused

Doc Love's Response

Hi Mats,

What you have to realize is that I’m only going to give you a temporary fix right now.
Without “The System,” it can only be temporary because I know that you’re making a
lot more mistakes than you’re telling me about or are even dimly aware of.

Now the truth of the matter is that you really didn’t start slowly with Roxanne. All that
gabbing with her at the beginning meant that you were starting very quickly. What
made it all worse was that she never even saw you in person. In other words, this
“relationship” you had going with Roxanne was never anything but a fantasy in her
mind — and yours. What you did was give away the store before this girl even saw
your face or body language. When you finally did meet her, it was all going to catch
up with you. And it did.

You say that Roxanne’s interest continued to rise during all these chatter-fests but it
really couldn’t because you didn’t pass the physical. You say she would become very
affectionate. Do you mean she could actually see you through the phone line? Come
on, guy. Communicating electronically with Roxanne was a massive blunder. To you
Psych majors, the phone is used to get the date, not to talk on. So right there you
were dead.

I’m sure that Roxanne is very busy with her career. But does that mean she can’t
give you even an hour a week for lunch? The fact that she has no time for anything
sounds like you’re doing nothing but rationalizing for her already. And that’s why you
need “The System.” I can tell that you understand nothing about dating and women,
my friend.

When Roxanne pulled away from you when you finally got face to face, it became
very obvious that you did not pass the Physical Attraction Test. In her eyes, your
body and body language did not match your verbiage. So from the beginning this
thing was dead in the water, dude, and all the time you spent blabbing to Roxanne
was a titanic waste.
The reason that Roxanne won’t respond to your messages and phone calls is
because you’re out. Let me say again that, while I can help you to understand this
situation in the short term, you’re really doing a lot more things wrong in front of
Roxanne than you know you’re doing wrong. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love
says, “You don’t know what you don’t know.”

When Roxanne says she’s “weird” and trying to adjust to you, it means her Interest
Level is 49% or less. But when she agreed to being exclusive, it indicates that you
also have a nut-job on your hands. Let me explain something to you: When you see
inconsistent behavior, it’s because (A) you’re not going by the techniques of my
book, or (B), she’s a loon. But no matter what, the bottom line is that she has no
interest in you.

Roxanne’s not testing you, pal. Women who test you like you. Roxanne doesn’t like
you. She hasn’t liked you since the day she saw your face. So she’s not testing
you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You already flunked.”

Did you do something wrong? Yes. When you read my articles, you should have had
my book for deeper guidance. And you should have told Roxanne, “As soon as I
move, we’ll go out on our first date. Until then, Merry Christmas!”

Remember guys: If you don’t pass the Physical Attraction Test, you’re out.

Don't Pressure Her

Hey Doc,

I dig Mackenzie, but I’m not too sure whether she digs me. I’ve been working at a
law firm just outside of Los Angeles for two years. When she arrived six months ago,
I never saw her as anything other than someone pretty to look at in the office. But
this soon turned into feelings of attraction. We were recently assigned to work
together and getting to know her has been pleasant. When we talk, she usually just
tells me about things that she likes, and things going on in her life. She laughs at my
jokes and we seem to enjoy each other’s company.

I want to take Mackenzie out, but I’m not sure if I’m mistaking her friendliness for
interest; she is hard to read. I’ve read all about “The System” and I know that I
shouldn’t be too easy for her, and I think I’ve done a good job of that. Yesterday I
found her in my cubicle with two coffees. She got me a pumpkin spice coffee
because she knew it was my favorite (it’s all I drink and I guess she noticed). After
about 10 minutes of work, she told me that one of the secretaries told her that I was
really sweet. She told me that she agreed. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions just
yet so I just logged that away.
Then she asked me to lunch, but I couldn’t go. To make up for this, I went out and
bought movie tickets for after work. She agreed to go. I don’t think it sounded like a
date, and I don’t think she thought that way either. But then she left work early and I
didn’t see her and basically I felt stood up. The boss called me in later that evening
for a quick meeting, and I guess he called her too because she was also there. After
the meeting I didn’t even look at Mackenzie and I made way to my car. She rushed
after me and said that she had looked for me after work. She said that she was sorry
she couldn’t find me and that’s why she left and went home. She hugged me, told me
she loved me and said maybe we can hang some other time. That was the end of
the night.

The next day when I came to work I saw only one coffee cup, and it wasn’t mine.
Mackenzie came in five minutes later, sipped her coffee and for the rest of the day
she was all business and no fun at all. It was as if I wasn’t even there. She was cold
to me and I didn’t even do anything wrong.

Doc, my question is this: What happened to the friendly Mackenzie? And was she
ever interested in me at all? How should I act when I see her again?

Zenon — who is ridiculously confused

Doc Love's Response

Hi Zenon,

What’s difficult about this situation is having to maneuver the situation with
Mackenzie from a work relationship to a dating relationship. To you Psych
majors, this is a very tricky thing to pull off, so you have to go about it very, very
carefully. The fact that you were being careful not to mistake Mackenzie’s
friendliness for interest was very important, and it demonstrates that you have some
brains. So far, so good.

And it was also positive that Mackenzie brought your favorite coffee in for you. It
could indeed be considered a buying signal. But again, we don’t know for sure if it is.
She might just be comfortable with you because she’s working with you and she
likes you as a person, and not necessarily in any romantic sense.

Saying that she agreed with the secretary that you were sweet could also be
interpreted as another buying signal. But at that point you had to get Mackenzie to
ask you out. You shouldn’t be asking her out.
When Mackenzie invited you to lunch, you should have counter-offered for another
time. You should have said “I can’t make it today, but I can make it tomorrow.”
Since you didn’t, it shows me that you don’t know “The System” at all. Reading all
about it isn’t the same as actually memorizing it, pal.

Now let me get this straight. You bought movie tickets before asking Mackenzie out?
Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You put the cart before the horse, boy.” If you
were going to take her to the movies, you should have asked for her phone number
first.
You don’t just go out and buy movie tickets, Zenon, and expect Mackenzie to go
along, especially when you work with her. You got way ahead of yourself by equating
her gesture of bringing your favorite coffee as something that should be reciprocated
with a much heavier gesture — movie tickets. You were rushing this whole thing,
guy, and worse, you put pressure on this girl. You say that you didn’t think inviting
her to the movies sounded like a date, but it did. The fact that you felt stood up
proves that you thought it was a date. You can’t have it both ways, Zenon.

Why didn’t Mackenzie give you a reason for leaving work that afternoon? All she had
to do was call you and leave a message on your answering machine saying she
couldn’t make the movies. So basically she did stand you up, my friend. But you
asked for it because you went about the whole thing wrong.

When you came in the next day and Mackenzie gave you the cold shoulder, you
were out. The major mistake you made was the rush-job with the movie tickets. You
put pressure on her — too much pressure. And even if her Interest Level was
above 50%, putting pressure on her lowered it, because that’s what pressure does. If
she had high Interest Level, she would have asked you out, and that’s what you
should have waited for. But you couldn’t control yourself.

Mackenzie acted like you weren’t there anymore because for her, you weren’t after
you blew it. You say that you didn’t do anything wrong, but you did. You bought
movie tickets for someone you work with and it wasn’t clear to her whether the
gesture was social or romantic. Again, too much pressure.

And now you’re worried about a missing coffee when you should be worried about a
broken date. You might have looked at “The System,” but you never memorized it,
otherwise you wouldn’t have made all these mistakes.

What happened to the friendly Mackenzie? You turned her off when you pressured
her with those movie tickets. Was she ever interested in you? Yes, she was slightly
interested, but you didn’t go in slowly enough. Like most guys, you rushed into
rejection.
When you see Mackenzie from now on, act like nothing ever happened. Smile, be
cordial, and that’s it. And don’t talk to any of the other women in the office about her.

Remember, you have to work with this girl. Remember, guys: Unless you memorize
“The System,” you don’t have a chance.

YES, IT'S TRUE. YOU NEED TO FINALLY LET HER GO

Missing article...

Learn To Say No
Hey Doc,

India and I have been together for four years. We’ve had several differences, fights,
arguments, etc. As a whole, the relationship has been 60% good and 40% not so
good. A couple of months ago we got into a huge fight. She broke up with me, but
since then we’ve talked about our problems and issues. Although we’re not formally a
couple anymore, she still needs me to do things for her. And she still comes over and
stays with me on the weekends.

I have expressed to India that we can’t be friends right now if she is entertaining
other men — for example, texting, talking on the phone, going out on dates, etc. I’ve
asked her if she was doing so and she said no, she's not doing any of the above. I
know that people sometimes have opposite-sex platonic friends to talk to about their
relationship issues. I do, and I tell India. She even knows the names of the women I
talk to. These are women/sisters/close female friends of mine of over 15 years, so
there’s no need for me to be secretive about it with her. I ask her if she has male
friends she talks to and she swears no. But I know differently. She does have a male
friend she talks to. But she won’t be honest with me about it, which makes me even
more curious about him.

Doc, I’ve been able to gain access to India’s phone and text logs. Over the past two
months I’ve noticed a new number appearing on them. But what really alarmed me is
that over the last eight days they’ve texted each other 175 times, and they still
continue to text back and forth, but without actually talking on the phone.

I’ve called the guy and asked him who he was, and of course, he wouldn’t say.
I’ve repeatedly asked India if she’s talking or texting anyone and she still denies it.
She also says that if she was interested in anyone else she wouldn’t be seeing
me.

What should I do? Why would a woman only talk to a man via text so much and not
the phone? This really sucks because I can’t tell India that I’ve seen her call log. I just
want the truth and don’t know how to get it.
Steverino - who knows he’s going to get hurt

Doc Love's Response

Hi Steverino,

The reason your relationship with India was 60% good was because you were only
doing 60% of “The System.” The bad 40% is because you aren’t going by “The
System.” When you don’t go by my book, women pick fights and arguments. It’s
because of her falling Interest Level, which is because the guy — in this case, you —
isn’t abiding by my principles, so he deserves it. The guy will think she has a bad
attitude, but that’s not the problem at all. She’d have a great attitude if he was
following my techniques. You don’t want 40% bad. You want only 10% bad.

When India broke up with you, you should have mailed all of her belongings back to
her immediately and closed the door on the relationship. No meeting, no talking, no
nothing. But what did you do? You went straight back to her when she dumped you.
To you Psych majors, when a girl dumps you, you shouldn’t even want to be with
her. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Why would you want somebody who don’t
want you?”

But India still needs you to do all kinds of chores for her, and you don’t have the
backbone to tell her no. You should have said to her, “Hey, you dumped me. Find
yourself a new carpenter. Find yourself another computer tech. Don’t look at me.”
Another mistake is having India stay over on weekends. Like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says, “You’re trying to have it both ways.” No can do.

What do you mean India can’t entertain other men? She dropped you, didn’t she?
You two are formally broken up. She can do whatever she wants, my friend. And
when a babe says she’s through with you, she can see whoever she wants.

Now let me get this straight. You tell India that you’re talking to other women about
your problems with her. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “That’s
real smart, dude!” Maybe you should just get those women friends of yours together
with India so they can all talk over your issues! Guy, the rule is that you don't talk to
other women about your girlfriend. Period.

Why does it bother you that your ex-girlfriend who already dropped you is talking to
another guy? The fact is that this anonymous guy is India’s new boyfriend and she
likes him a lot. When a girl falls in love with somebody new, they text a lot. No big
deal. Steverino, wake up! India dropped you. She doesn’t owe you anything. You’re
kind of a “half-boyfriend” now. When India says that she’s not interested in any other
guy, it’s a candidate for the lie of the year award.

What should you do now? Very simple. Get “The System” and get rid of this girl
ASAP. And who cares how she communicates with this other guy? I don’t care if she
does it with a tin can and a string, the point is that she’s talking with another guy.
She told you that she wants to get rid of you and you’re just holding onto a reserve
position until she makes the final break. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts
says, “You’re like a second string backup.” In other words, you’re yesterday’s food.

Forget about India’s text and call log. You’re getting hung up on nothing here. This
stuff is nothing but smoke. The real problem is that you and India argue 40% of
the time. The texts are a non-issue. Of course she’s talking to a guy. Like my
cousin
General Love says, “She’s looking for a new adventure.” You’re yesterday’s
newspapers, Steverino. India’s interested in the new guy and she’s not interested in
you – it’s that simple.

You want the truth? The truth is that you and India don’t get along. And since you
don’t utilize “The System,” she treats you accordingly.

Remember, guys: if you do the wrong things, she can’t stay in love with you.

Self-Esteem Issues
Hey Doc,

Two years ago I met Chynna on an online dating site. But during those two years,
we only went out five times. At first I thought she was attractive (not a knockout, but
maybe a 7.5 out of 10), not overweight, and she was an absolute sweetheart. Our
dates went well. The only problem was that I just didn’t feel any chemistry with her,
so I decided not to ask her out again. A month or two would pass and I’d think, "You
know, Chynna wasn’t so bad. I’ll give her another try.” We’d go out again and still no
chemistry. Here’s some additional background: She’s 50 and I’m 49. And she’s very
religious (goes to church, has Bible study in her home, etc.).

Finally I realized it wasn’t fair to Chynna to keep asking her out when it looked like
things weren’t going to blossom between us. An entire year went by (I just had no
desire to see her). Then, a couple weeks ago, I did it again. I asked her out to see if
this time would be the charm — and it was. I started to feel something for her and we
made tentative plans to see each other the following afternoon.
After we made plans for the following day I gave her the smooch test. I don’t know if
it was my imagination, but she looked absolutely shocked. That was not a good
sign. To top it off, the next day she canceled our plans for that afternoon. I guessed
that so much time had passed with nothing happening that she put me in the “just
friends” category and I made her uncomfortable when I kissed her (hence the broken
date). I accepted that this was my fault and just wrote her off.

Five days later Chynna called and asked if I’d go shopping with her and I agreed.
She asked me to stop by her house the night before so we could look at ads and
see what stores we wanted to visit. Before I left, I kissed her twice and she kissed
me back (I didn’t sense an overwhelming amount of affection but she did kiss me
back).

Our shopping time together was 100% light and funny — no heavy subjects. One
time I rested my hand on top of hers while we were talking and got no response and,
once again, had to wonder where I stood.

I decided that I wouldn’t make any effort to kiss Chynna when we parted ways that
night because I didn’t want to come on too strong. But when we were about to part
she stood facing me so I kissed her. She really kissed back this time and we shared
a couple of long, deep kisses.

I can’t explain it, but this woman, who I once had absolutely no romantic feeling for,
is now all I think about. Do you think I have trust and credibility issues I need to
overcome because there were so many dates over such a long time period with
nothing happening? Could Chynna be thinking, “He has a history of going out with
me and then disappearing?” Should I act like we just started dating and stick with the
plan of asking her out once a week?

Harry — who’s scratching his head.

Doc Love's Response

Hi Harry,

At first you did the right thing when you left Chynna alone after those first dates. To
you Psych majors, if you don’t feel something for a woman, forget her. Why would
you want to waste her time, and more importantly, yours?

But you convinced yourself that Chynna wasn’t so bad and then you asked her out
again. But let me ask you a question: If you’d met another woman you liked, wouldn’t
you be thinking about her? That said, it’s good that Chynna has her nose in the Bible.
Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “At least we know she’s not hanging out at the bars
and getting drunk every night.”

Now let me straighten you out on something, Harry. You never make “tentative” plans
to see a woman. You make plans, period! But what I really don’t like here is that you
keep coming back to this woman when you have no interest in her. Dude, you must
be striking out with other women or have low self-esteem — or both. In other words,
something must be screwed up with you. When a woman doesn’t pass the Physical
Attraction Test, and you continue going out with her until you see the light,
something’s not wrong with her — the problem’s with you. It’s the inconsistency in
your feelings that’s dangerous here. You don’t necessarily have to be head-over-
heels in love with a woman the first time you see her, but there has to be some little
spark there for you to go on seeing her. So like I said, either you can’t score a date
with someone you really dig, or you have low self-esteem.

When Chynna broke that date with you, a huge red flag should have gone up in your
mind. This is the type of inconsistency you should be on the lookout for, and this
situation is nothing but a bunch of inconsistencies. Think about it. At first you go out
with Chynna and you don’t care for her. Then she agrees to go out with you after all
of your indecision about her but cancels the date. So now you’re both being
inconsistent.

Agreeing to go shopping with Chynna was a mistake. You only go shopping with your
girlfriend. Going shopping is not a date. A date is when you go out and put a show on
for a woman and have a great time. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A.
says, “You’re not here to be her chauffeur.”

You went to Chynna’s house and looked over ads? Like my cousin Sal “The
Fish” Love says, “You should have offered to fix her sink and paint her house
while you were at it.” You’re not supposed to touch Chynna’s hand, guy. She’s
supposed to
touch you. There’s a chapter on “touching” in “The System,” but you obviously don’t
have it memorized. But then you say you didn’t want to come on too strong with
Chynna. It’s a little late for that, isn’t it? And your kisses shouldn’t last over a second
and a half — you have to build Challenge. Harry, you don’t have any clue what
you’re doing with women.

Yes, pal, you have some issues here, and they’re not positive. Of course Chynna has
to be thinking that you have a history of disappearing, because that’s your modus
operandi. And no, you shouldn’t be asking Chynna out anymore because she broke
a date. Besides, you’ve both given each other so many mixed signals that you have
nothing but a mess on your hands. Remember, guys: When she breaks a date, she’s
out.
Lasting Relationships
Hey Doc,

Recently I’ve been reading your columns, and I’m also interested in “The System”
and plan to use it to help guide me so I can better understand relationships and how
they work. I’ve only known about your materials for a couple of days and I have yet
to read your book, so bear with me if my knowledge is off.

I had to leave for military training early on in my relationship with Candace. We had
some discussions about it, and it was a difficult thing for us, but we felt as if it would
be too much for us to handle staying together when we’d only been dating for a short
period of time. Exactly one month ago we got back together, and I’m happy to say
that it’s been fantastic. We talk every other day and I see her three times a week.
We’ve met each other’s families and friends, and I’ve taken her out on a date at least
once every week. She’s both loving and caring and everything I look for in a
woman. We have discussed my military life, and though it’s not easy, she supports
me 100% and can cope with it better now that she has a clearer understanding of
what I have to do (I have to leave for training again but it won’t be quite so long or far
away this time). But there’s something that concerns me.

Last night Candace said that she loved me, and though it took me by surprise, I told
her that I loved her too. Though at the moment it seemed completely harmless,
something tells me that there’s a red flag here now that I think back on it. I’m worried
that we may be rushing a little and that she may feel the same way. She’s the first
girl I’ve said "I love you" to and I’d like for this relationship to last. Candace is an
incredible woman and I’d hate to lose her. I’d like to hear your opinion on this and
how I can make this relationship last. What’s the key to a long-lasting relationship
and how can I keep her Interest Level up? Also, do you think this love that we have
for each other is too fast-moving?

I’d appreciate your coaching, Doc, and look forward to reading your book.

Bip — whose head is swimming

Doc Love's Response

Hi Bip,
Exactly when are you planning on buying and using “The System?” In a year or a
year and a half when it’s already too late to do something about your deteriorating
relationship with Candace? I don’t mean to pressure you or anything, pal, but it’s the
most important tool you’ll ever have in your hands when it comes to women. Why in
the world would you want to be without it? What seems strange to me is that it would
have taken you only one minute to order the book, but it took you a half-hour to write
a letter. What sense does that make?

Meeting Candace’s family and friends already demonstrates to me that you’re

moving way too fast. Meeting friends comes after Candace is already your girlfriend.
And this girl is not yet your girlfriend. And meeting families comes after six months.
So you are indeed rushing here. But without my book for guidance, let’s hope you’re
not rushing straight into rejection, like so many men do.

You say that Candace is the epitome of the great woman, but the truth is that you
don’t really know what to look for in a woman since you don’t have “The System.”
That’s your problem. On top of that, you haven’t been acquainted with Candace long
enough to really know anything about her.

You might think that Candace has a better idea of your military situation, but when
you’re off in Afghanistan for six months, is she going to be loyal to you after having
only a few dates with you and she’s not officially your girlfriend? That’s the question
you haven’t asked yourself, Bip.

You shouldn’t have told Candace that you loved her. To you Psych majors, when you
tell a woman that you love her, you kill challenge. That concept is explained in great
detail in my book, which, unfortunately for you, you don’t have. And that book, let me
remind you, takes all of one minute to order.

Why are you worrying that Candace feels you’re rushing things? Like my cousin
General Love says, “You didn’t put a gun to her head to get her to say she loves you,
did you?”

You might want your relationship with Candace to last, but you’re really not prepared
for that because you know nothing about Interest Level and you nothing about
Challenge, except very superficially. By evidence of the many phone calls you and
Candace make to each other, you’re moving way too fast here, which will murder
both Interest Level and Challenge. And you know nothing whatsoever about the
dangers and psychology of long distance relationships. It’s one thing for you to go
out of the country for three to six weeks, but when you go out for six months and
Candace starts running around with her girlfriends, they are going to meet guys. And
that’s trouble.
My friend, the only way you can make this relationship last is by having my book
overnighted to you. Then you have to memorize it, because you have to keep this girl
interested in you when you’re away for a long period of time. Most guys cannot do it.

What’s the key to a long-lasting relationship? I’m glad you asked that question,
because it’s fully explained in my book. But like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East
L.A. says, “The trick is making sure that she likes you more than you like her.”

Yes, your love with Candace is way too fast-moving. Like I said earlier, you don’t
meet her family and friends until she’s your girlfriend. You’re not taking things in
order, dude. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You’re putting the cart before the
horse.” In other words, slow down! You’re doing everything backwards.

Remember, guys: When you’re not right in front of her face for a long period of time,
she’ll tend to roam.

Don't Be A Pushover
Hey Doc,

I read one of your articles and figured I would ask you for some coaching before
purchasing your book. I am at heart a nice guy, and, as I have discovered, this
appears to be my main problem.

Kacey is the woman I’ve waited my whole life for, but I’ve made many serious errors
with her. We have known each other for many years, we’re best friends, but she has
been a continuing source of heartache for me. We have separated and gotten back
together many times over the last few years, usually as a result of her being fed up
with my poor self-esteem or the severe depression I developed as a result of her
rejection of me early on.

Last year I finally stepped away from Kacey of my own accord. Between her poor
treatment of me and her lying, I decided I had to leave or go insane. After some time
apart, the greater part of a year, Kacey messaged me, wanting to be friends. I
agreed hesitantly and decided to take things slowly. For the most part, I have
handled this
time around with her much better, especially since I’ve impressed on her that how I
feel about her has not changed since the day we met.

So this past year has actually been pretty good. I have given up on dating Kacey,
and I even met another nice woman I was interested in. However, that went
nowhere as she has her own issues and is not interested in me. I have done my
best to be a supportive and caring friend to Kacey, and even though I love her
dearly, I did my
best to give her good advice while she was in a relationship with another man (which
my ego has still not quite gotten over). Not more than a couple of months ago her
partner left her, leaving me in a rather strange position.

So now I’m in a jam. I know damn well there is something between Kacey and me
and everyone (except for my family) thinks we are a perfect couple. But I have come
to realize that my own foolish behavior has messed a lot of things up between us as
far as dating goes. I know that Kacey loves me because during our times apart she
becomes moody and often cries because we aren’t talking (this is straight from her
mother’s mouth), but I don’t think Kacey realizes it herself. Unfortunately I’ve been
exactly the weak, pleading, spineless nice guy that I tried not to be, and I feel like
this has raised a barrier between us.

Doc, do you think there might still be a chance for me to make things right? I know
that there is the potential for a lifelong love here. I know I have found my soul
mate and even she agrees.

Bubby — who can’t seem to be strong

Doc Love's Response

Hi Bubby,

First of all, let me get this straight. You’re at the hospital with four broken ribs, a
broken neck and a broken finger. And you’re telling the doctor to just fix your finger.
That’s exactly what your refusal to buy and memorize “The System” amounts to.
Guy, you needed my book five years ago! And you’re still debating whether or not to
buy it? What sense does that make?

Now let me correct you on something. You’re not a nice guy, Bubby. You’re
a weak guy. You’re a man without a backbone, the most despised type of guy in
the eyes of women all over the world. I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you that
before, but it’s the truth.

You might have been waiting for Kacey your whole life, but has she been waiting for
you? That’s the only thing that matters, dude. But by your own admission, you’re
making serious errors with her. So you’re making all these big blunders, you
desperately need coaching, and you want to think for a few months more about
whether or not to get “The System.” Hey, makes all kinds of sense to me!
But you say that you and Kacey are best friends. I got news for you, Bubby: “best
friends” and “heartache” don’t go together in the same sentence. And you have not
separated and gotten back together. What you really mean is that Kacey has gotten
rid of you a bunch of times and then taken you back. Let’s be honest, please. Then
you say that she constantly lies to you. But how could that be when she’s your best
friend? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Your reasoning here is all backwards, my
son.”

Kacey didn’t want to be friends with you again. She just wanted you back so she
could play with your emotions again and she was bored. And since you have no
cojones, you fell for it. You didn’t agree “hesitantly” to see her again when she
messaged you, Bubby. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You
jumped at the chance.” And you told her you loved her all over again, after
everything she put you through. So by telling her that you adore her, you think she’s
going to treat you better? Your logic is astounding, Bubby!

It’s no surprise that a new girl wasn’t interested in you. You’re not trained for a new
girlfriend, pal. Before you can go after a new girl, you have to memorize my book and
get rid of Kacey — but not until then.

You haven’t been a supportive and caring friend to Kacey. You’ve been nothing but
a co-dependent in a sick relationship. To prove it, you helped her out with another
guy that she was kissing. On second thought, you don’t need “The System” after all!
You’ve got it all down, Bubby!

Of course you’re in a strange position. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says,
“You got left with the leftovers.” The other guy is through with Kacey and then you
picked up what he didn’t want. But you say now you’re in a jam! Bubby, have you
ever thought about stand-up comedy as a profession? But you’re convinced there’s
something between the two of you. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “The only thing
between you two is a truckload of bad memories.”

Nevertheless, you maintain that when a babe gets moody and cries, it’s because she
has high Interest Level. How did you happen to arrive at that conclusion? You say
you’ve been weak, needy and spineless, and that’s the barrier between you. Like my
cousin General Love says, “It’s more like the Great Wall of China!”

Bubby, there’s no chance of making things right with Kacey. Because you do
everything wrong, she has no choice but to treat you the way she does. If you did
things right — in other words, if you’d had memorized my book years ago — Kaycee
would never be depressed and moody, and she’d be helping the homeless — all
because she was in love with you. But you go right on thinking about getting “The
System” later. What’s the rush, right?
Second Chances
Hey Doc,

I own “The System” and I’m a Doc Love Club member. Your book has really made a
big impact on my life and helped me to put my ego in check. I’m in my mid-30s, have
read your book 16 times, and I’m the first to tell you I need to keep reading it
because I still make mistakes. But I keep a log of my mistakes, and I’ve been
improving. I tend to learn slowly and need to put more effort into things than the
average guy, but once it clicks for me, I get better at it than most.

I’m currently living in Las Vegas after spending most of my life on the East Coast.
This is the hardest place I’ve ever lived in regards to meeting single women because
guys far outnumber women. It’s so bad I’ve contemplated moving back East, but
when I read your material I realized that I needed to better myself to stand out from
the average single guy. I’ve been dating a lot, but have trouble finding a girl I’m really
into who has a high enough Interest Level in me.

This is where Ana enters the picture. She’s my sister’s friend and was divorced six
months ago, after a 10-year marriage. I read your warnings in the book about
women on the rebound and how long it takes them to get over a divorce. Ana,
though, showed high Interest Level in me but I always made myself scarce. Finally I
decided to ask her on a date. She accepted. The date went really well. I went in
planning to go very slowly, as you suggested. I kept it light and funny and was a
gentleman. I let her touch me and at the end of the night I saw she wanted to kiss
me, but I didn’t go in for the kiss since it was the first date. She gave me a big hug
and stated that she wanted to go out with me again. I simply said “I had a wonderful
time tonight” and smiled. The next morning she sent me an email thanking me again
and telling me she had a good time. I again followed “The System” and responded
with “You’re welcome. I had a great time too.” I didn’t ask her out again since I
wanted to wait a week.

Now here’s the problem. Over the weekend, Ana hung out with my sister. She told
my sister that she planned on seeing me again. They evidently talked a lot about
me, and my sister told Ana how much I liked her and really put a lot of pressure on
the relationship. My sister knows I am looking for a wife, but I’ve tried to hide how
much I like Ana from her. Basically, she undid everything I accomplished on our first
date. I am sure my sister was well-intentioned, but I feel like she sabotaged me. Ana
then emailed me that she wasn’t ready to date anyone and wasn’t looking for
anything serious and that we should just be friends. I knew it was something my
sister said, and she admitted it. Then I made a mistake by telling Ana that she
shouldn’t listen to what my sister said and that I wanted to keep dating her and after
just one date I wasn’t even thinking about anything serious. After I sent that email I
went back to the
good book and read through the chapter on Begging. Unfortunately, Doc, I realized
that I was begging.

How should I have handled this? I don’t know how much this lowered Ana’s Interest
Level in me. She replied that she wanted to continue to get to know me, that she
really does like me, but right now she can only get to know me as a friend. I realized
that begging wasn’t going to get me anywhere, so I changed my tune. I told her I
thought it was a great idea and that we can be friends as long as she behaves
herself. Since then I have been teasing her about stalking me and she seems to
have fallen in line with the joking and flirting.

Doc, am I out for good? You say one chance per girl per lifetime. Does this count as
my chance? I am continuing to date other women, but I’mforcing myself to go out
with them, as my interest in Ana is in the 90s. I feel like she is exactly what I want
and that if my sister hadn’t interfered, “The System” would have worked Ana’s
interest up into the 90s. When I get down about it, I pick up your book and keep
hammering away.
Tell me what to do and I will do it, even if means moving on.

Sterling — who rarely deviates from the rules

Doc Love's Response

Hi Sterling,

First of all, if you keep making mistakes, it means you have to keep reading my book.
So that’s a great observation on your part. Also, keeping a log of your mistakes is an
excellent idea, too. I wish more guys would follow your example.

Vegas may be a challenge, but you don’t have to move back to the cold and the
snow and the ice. Once you get my techniques down cold, you aregoing to stand out
over other guys and no matter where you are in the world: Whether Borneo or
Norway, you’re going to be a success with women.

All the stuff you did before and during your first date with Ana was perfect. So far
you’re doing everything right — which means that you’re going by my book. But now
there’s a problem. I coach you in my book to keep your mouth shut and not tell
anyone about what you’re doing. So what do you do? You blab to your sister
everything you’re thinking and feeling about Ana. Common sense would dictate
that your sister’s going to run off at the mouth when she’s with her friend. Like my
Uncle Jethro Love says, “Women stick together.”
There’s a chapter in my book on blockers, and your sister is a blocker. But again, it
didn’t help that you spouted off about your feelings. Did you actually think that your
sister wasn’t going to say anything to Ana? Guy, when you let that happen, you
murdered challenge. You became an open book for Ana. When you’re talking to your
sister about your love life, you have to do it on a “need to know” basis. You should
have just said, “Yeah, Ana seems like a nice girl.” That’s all your sister needed to
know. To you Psych majors, women tend to tell other women about what’s going on
in their love lives.

What do you mean you tried to hide how much you liked Ana from your sister? You
should have just said “She’s an average girl” — that’s all. That said, your sister did
sabotage you. As the old saying goes, “The road to hell is paved with good
intentions.”

Instead of begging Ana, you should have just let her cool off for a week or two, then
called her up out of the blue, pretended that you knew nothing about what your sister
said, and asked her out for another date.

When you told Ana you could be friends if she behaved herself, that was a very
sharp maneuver, my friend. You were being funny in a situation where most guys
would have been defensive and uptight. In spite of the fact that you’re probably on
the way out with this babe — depending on how much damage your sister did — it’s
great that you kidded her. I want to congratulate you on a very slick move there.

No, you’re not out for good — because you haven’t asked Ana out for the second
date and she hasn’t turned you down yet. So this isn’t your one chance per girl per
lifetime. What you’re going to do is let Ana text or email you, but you’re not going to
answer her. You’re going to wait a week, call her out of the blue like I said, and ask
her out.

Your interest in Ana is way too high, dude. It should only be from 80% to 89%. But
hers should be in the 90s. When a man’s Interest Level shoots into the 90s, he
doesn’t act the same. Men’s personalities change when they’ve flipped over a babe.

Sterling, you brought this situation on yourself because you have a big mouth. Like
my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “The last person you tell how you
feel is a girl’s girlfriend.” I don’t know how you can read a book 16 times — a book
that tells you in every other paragraph tokeep your mouth shut and not express
your feelings — and then still blab your guts out to your sister and not expect her to
open her mouth to her best friend. Come on, man, where’s your common sense?

Here’s what you do: Back off and take a shot at Ana later.
Remember, guys: When everything is going well with a girl, keep it to yourself.

Know When To Move On

Hey Doc,

I met Patty at work. She’s not a coworker, but someone who drops by on work-
related matters when necessary. She began to show interest in me and I asked her
out on a date. The date went very well, and she and I kissed. Afterwards she
expressed interest in getting together again, and texted me for another date. When I
told her I would get back to her, she even bought me a small gift and left it with a
coworker to give to me since I wasn’t in the office at the time.

At the same time, however, a co-worker, Nina, became infatuated with me and she
and I began an amazing five-month relationship. I practiced Self-Control and
Challenge, and was rewarded handsomely for it. Doc, your techniques worked like a
dream. Nothing was better than watching another guy who was interested in Nina
bring up a movie he wanted to take her to, only for her to turn right around and ask
me to take her to see it — right in front of him! And by the way, I told her I would think
about it. You’re a genius, Doc!

But I didn’t follow the maintenance portion of “The System,” and the relationship with
Nina ended. Although she was attractive, a Flexible Giver, and had an Interest Level
in the 90s during most of the relationship, she wasn’t Loyal and I had to drop her. Her
contract with our company expired before the breakup, so she and I don’t work
together anymore.

Now, it’s five months later, and I thought about Patty and asked her out on a date
again. She was happy to hear from me, but couldn’t make it the night I proposed as
she was out of town. I waited a few weeks to ask her out on another date, but this
time she was very busy due to the holidays. (This was a week before Christmas.)
She told me that we should definitely get together after the holidays. I agreed that it
was a good idea, and said maybe we’d do that.

I still haven’t asked her out for a third time. Doc, I feel like Patty’s still interested in
me, but I also feel like I might be skating on thin ice. Surely she must feel somewhat
turned off that I waited so long to ask her out again. I’m betting she wants to go out
with me again, but I don’t know if I should wait for her to initiate contact or not.
Coach me, Doc.

Viktor - who hopes he didn’t blow it

Doc Love's Response
Hi Viktor,

First of all, you’re not supposed to kiss a girl on the first date, and you kissed Patty.
Remember, you’re supposed to be a Challenge, and by going in too quickly for the
kiss you subvert that strategy. To you Psych majors, when you don’t try to kiss a
girl when every other guy does, it makes you stand out in the crowd.

It was a bad move on Patty’s part to leave you any kind of gift with your coworker.
Because now the coworker and everyone else in your office — all 400 people in
that eight-story building — know that you’re going out with Patty. And the results of
that can only be bad for you and her.

It was great the way you handled Nina when she showed a high Interest Level in you.
And it was likewise good that you went out with her, gave it a shot and then dropped
her when it turned out that she wasn’t Loyal. Most guys would have rationalized the
situation. “Oh, she’ll change,” they’d tell themselves, “and next year she’ll become
honest.” Uh, right. And women are going to stop swooning over Brad Pitt.

Now let me explain something to you, Viktor. You can’t go back to Patty. You
dropped her and disappeared for five long months. When you go out with a babe,
you have to go out with her in a straight run. You can’t date a girl once or twice then
disappear for half a year and try to come back. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from
East L.A. says, “You’re insulting the girl, man.” And in her mind, you’re being
disrespectful.

And now she’s turned you down when you asked her out again and she didn’t
counter-offer. Which proves what I said about how she feels about you now.
Then you went and asked her out again, but she handed you a lame excuse
about the holidays. Once again there was no counter-offer. What this all means,
dude, is that you’re out.

You might feel like Patty’s still interested in you, guy, but she’s not. You’re the one
who’s interested in her because you got rid of Nina. You should have stayed with
Patty to begin with and you should have finished what you started with her. But you
don’t say why you dropped her. What was it about her that you didn’t dig?

Of course Patty is turned off because you waited half a year to ask her out again
— any woman would be. You dissed and insulted her, buddy, like I said. And like I
say in my book, you get one shot per girl per lifetime. You had yours.
Patty doesn’t want to go out with you again, so waiting for any gesture from her now
is a waste of time. If I were you, I would just forget this girl, throw away her number
and chalk it up to your ineptitude. If she happens to contact you, go out with her —
but it’s not going to happen. She’s turned you down twice with no counter-offers, so
why would she contact you now? Why would she contact you at all?

Remember, guys: when you’re dating a girl and then disappear for five months, you
can’t just pick up where you left off.

Texting Women
Hey Doc,

I just read “The System” after a bad breakup and let me tell ya, I was nodding my
head the entire time.

Anyway, my question is in regard to the fact that almost no one talks on the phone
anymore. Most recently, Gwyneth gave me her number after I messaged her once
on a dating website. I waited 10 days to contact her. Maybe I misplayed this one, but
I texted her (instead of phoned) to go out for a drink, which she agreed to. I met her
at the bar and I feel as though I carried myself quite well. I was neatly put together,
kept eye contact, asked her a lot of questions, we had some good mutual
conversation, and I made sure I answered the questions she asked me with
confidence, but with a degree of vagueness. She gave me good signals (playing
with her hair, laughing a lot, asking me personal questions). I dropped her off with a
hug (that she initiated) and without making any plans, I bid her farewell.

I decided to stick to “The System” and not text her the next day even though I
wanted to. Sure enough, the next night she texted me thanking me for the drink and
said she had a great time and to let her know if I’d like to get together again, and
she also apologized for jumping out of the car so quickly, because she was nervous.
To keep her laughing I replied with, “My pleasure. So you mean you didn’t have to
pee really badly?” She asked me what I was up to on the weekend and there I was,
caught in a texting conversation, which happens so commonly in today’s world, and
also was what doomed me with the last girl I dated.

I don’t want to be rude and not respond to Gwyneth’s questions, because she can
tell that I read her texts, but I want to keep Challenge going, show control, and not
text with her every couple of hours. I know correspondence (texts or phone calls)
should only be used to set up the next date, but how do I react to a girl who keeps
texting me and asking me questions? Should I just not respond even though she can
see
that I’ve read them? Also, because I’ve texted with her a few times now, is it too late
to change the pattern?
Sylvain — who feels trapped by technology

Doc Love's Response

Hi Sylvain,

First of all, if a girl is comfortable with it, texting can indeed replace the telephone
as a means of communication. Texting per se isn’t the problem.

Now let me compliment you on how you handled yourself on your first date with
Gwyneth. You did everything right, Sylvain. In fact, you were perfect. And it’s great
that you didn’t talk about the future. The way you handled the date is why Gwyneth
got back in touch with you so quickly to do it again. But let me ask you this: why
did
you really want to text Gwyneth the very next day? This is a question you have to ask
yourself. You have to make yourself more of a Challenge, pal. To you Psych majors,
you must get rid of the desire to be an open book for girls, which slays
Challenge right out of the gate.

Page 2 of 2

And you have to be careful with the bathroom humor. If you’re dating an ultra-
conservative girl, she might not dig you talking about off-color subjects. What you
said was a borderline joke and it might not go over the way you wanted it to. Now, if
Gwyneth is your girlfriend after six months and you know her well and you’re buddy-
buddy with her, it might be a different story. But when you don’t know a girl that well,
you are better advised to walk the straight and narrow in the beginning. You don’t
want a crude, offhanded remark to turn her off.

Instead of getting bogged down in a texting conversation with Gwyneth, you should
have said, “This weekend I’m tied up. But we will see each other again.” Now, in one
sense you’re talking about the future when you say something like this, but what
you’re really doing here is buying time. Because what you want to do is wean
Gwyneth off the habit of texting you.

It would be rude not to respond to Gwyneth’s text questions. Any time somebody
leaves you a message by email or text, you have to answer. But like I said, what you
want to do is stall for time. So here’s how to respond to Gwyneth when she texts you:
“I had a great time, too.” And let it go at that.

How do you react to a girl who keeps texting you and asking questions? You just say
this: “It’s so much more fun to do all of our talking face to face!” If she texts you
again, repeat the message: “I much prefer doing all this communicating face to
face.”
Keep saying it until Gwyneth gets the message and stops texting you all the time.
Again, you are obligated to respond, but, “Thanks, looking forward to seeing you
again” is sufficient. Keep it short and sweet, and don’t ask her out.

No, it’s not too late to change Gwyneth’s texting pattern because you haven’t done it
all that much with her. But keep in mind that, like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from
East L.A. says, “It’s bad news to start a pattern with any girl.” And if you back off from
her, she’ll want to know why, and she’ll start to smell a rat. So like my cousin Rabbi
Love says, “If you don’t start a bad habit, you won’t have a bad habit to break.”

Remember, guys: since texting kills Challenge, use it only to get the date.

Long-Distance Dating
Hey Doc,

First I want to tell you that I believe 100% in what you teach because it all makes so
much sense! I have even wondered if you are a prophet who has come to help
mankind (I’m being serious!) or just a genius. In any case, you could have more
impact on society than Da Vinci if men just listened.

Anyway, I just started reading “The System” and I’m not finished yet, but I will never
in my life put it down. I was recently dating a very dangerous creature, Tina, and I did
everything right (for a guy without “The System”).

I was Confident and I knew through experience to make her chase me. She had 90%
Interest Level, and there is no better feeling in this world than to have a Beautiful
Woman worship you. She is special, incredibly smart, speaks four languages, and is
social, funny, Giving and Flexible. In other words, a gem.

I know there are no second chances, but this situation is very unique. I met Tina
while studying abroad. She lives in Europe and I live in America. We agreed long
distance didn’t work, but we stayed in touch through Skype and messaging and
when I had Self-Control and kept it light and funny I could see her interest shoot
straight through my screen. It got to the point where she came to America to visit me
a few months ago and we had a blast. I made her laugh every single day and she
gave me the “I feel like I’ve known you all my life” line, which, as you say is
Womanese for “Bingo!”

But when she returned to Europe, I got too Confident, started relying on her
emotionally and listened to my ego. We argued a bit and I ignored her for a few
days. I thought she would come back apologizing and begging, but I forgot she was
a dangerous creature and her Interest Level dropped. An Olympic athlete, movie star
and model came into the picture (this guy is actually real), and I found out that they
kissed and Tina liked him. When I found out, I happened to be drunk and I insulted
her very badly. She later tried to explain to me that we were not exclusive and she
loved me and would be my girlfriend if we were in the same country, but it was
impossible. In any case, I was too hurt and I stopped talking to her.

One month later, I am still as miserable as the first day I lost her. She never lied to
me (I think); we were not committed and I made a big mistake by losing my Self-
Control. I do not want a relationship with her, but I am wondering if she is someone I
should keep in touch with. I am not sure where her Interest Level is now, but I
believe it’s above 60%.

What can I do to not lose this diamond in the rough forever? Should I apologize for
insulting her and losing my Self-Control and restart a light and funny but limited
contact? Or should I throw away her contact information and pictures?

Claude — who is sad because he couldn’t control himself

Doc Love's Response

Hi Claude,

First of all, thanks for the compliment. But in those last four words you said the most
important thing of all — if men just listened. Sadly, most of you don’t.

Here’s your problem: you live in America and Tina lives in Europe. Bang, you’re
dead. Dead in the water. It’s all over. Everything you say from now on is a complete
waste of time. You’re out. Tina’s not going to move and you’re not going to move, so
there’s nothing whatsoever to talk about. This is a long-distance relationship and you
know what I say about them. Are you sure you read my book? This thing was dead
from the beginning!

But wait a minute, here. You both agreed that long distance doesn’t work. So why
are you staying in touch with Tina? What’s the point? In other words, you
really didn't agree that this thing won’t work. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You
can’t have it both ways.”

You might have had a blast when Tina visited you in America, but neither one of you
is going to move, which is the critical point. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from
East L.A. says, “When it comes to love, visits don’t cut it.” Dude, she lives halfway
around the world!
So you’re here and she’s there and an Olympic athlete, model and movie star comes
into the picture. He might be all those things, but the most important thing is that he
lives right across the street from Tina and you live 4,000 miles away! That’s the real
problem.

Who told you that Tina kissed this other guy? There’s only one person who could
have told you that she digs him — Tina! You weren’t there — you were on the other
side of the world. So she’s telling you that she’s making out with some other guy. If
that doesn’t tell you that it’s over, nothing will! What does she have to do, marry him
for you to believe it?

To you Psych majors, the problem with being drunk is that you do things that you
wouldn’t normally do. It’s called lack of Self-Control. But Tina was telling you the
truth: you two weren’t exclusive. How could you be? You’re in America and she’s in
Europe!

Nevertheless, she said that she would be your girl if you were in the same country.
So at least she’s being rational, man. You’re not. Tina’s a good girl. But “if” is the
critical word here.

Claude, you haven’t memorized my book yet. You said you weren’t finished reading
“The System.” You have to be knocking this book off once a week for 15 weeks to
absorb its full effect. And it’s only 210 pages long. You’re not doing your homework,
buddy. Remember that when you used the principles of my book, everything went
right.

You never had this girl, Claude. You couldn’t have her because you’re not on the
same side of the Atlantic Ocean. Tina even told you that. But your ego is so big that
you don’t want to listen.

So why would you want to keep in touch with somebody you’re in love with who’s
kissing a movie star now? You’re lying to yourself again. Tina’s Interest Level is not
above 60%. It’s below 50% and that means you’re finished and it's time to back off.

What can you do not to lose Tina forever? Win the lottery and buy a house down the
street from her in whatever country she’s living in. That’s your only shot. So call her
and tell her you had too much to drink, you’re sorry for insulting her and you really
think she’s a nice girl. Then never speak to her again. Yes, throw her number and
pictures away — if you finally want to face reality. Unless, that is, you want to attend
an Olympic wedding!

Remember, guys: long distance relationships never work.

Maintaining Challenge Over Distance
Hey Doc,

I met Eva a few weeks back at a party. She’s 36, beautiful and intelligent. I’m 30 and
the age difference doesn’t bother me, but do you think an age gap this big is a
problem?

Anyway, after we were introduced, I left the discussion to talk to other girls. After the
party, Eva came to me and we talked again. I could senseshe was interested. She
offered me her number and asked me to call her later. But right after the party we
went to a bar and really hit off. Eva really seems like an amazing girl, but of course to
know this for sure, I’d have to date her for at least a few months. But the gut feeling I
had was that she was a good one. At the end of the night when I took her home we
made out for a few minutes. It just felt right, and it was unavoidable. She again asked
me to call her.

I waited seven days to call Eva, proposed a Sunday date, and she said yes. But two
days later she called and told me that she has to go to Florida for three months to
take care of a work-related matter. It was a deal that she couldn’t pass on, and the
offer had come about later on the same day that I had asked her for a date. She said
she hesitated at first to take it, but considering how good the deal was financially and
for her career, she really had to accept it. She still wanted to see me on Sunday if I
was up for it, but because she had so many things to take care of before she left on
Monday morning, she’d only have maybe an hour or two to see me.

When I picked her up, she invited me in to see her apartment (which was a mess
since she was packing for her trip). We kissed and went to a nice restaurant. She
said she would be coming back for sure in three months. Since we were not yet a
couple, I would not expect her to pass up on this business opportunity because
of me.

As I was leaving, Eva asked me to call her in Florida. I said, “Yes, but you can also
call me.” Now this is where I think I made a mistake, but the words just came out.
Was what I said anti-Challenge? I also told Eva that I’d love to take her out again
once she came back, and she said she couldn’t wait to come back.

My question is this: how can I maintain Challenge with Eva for three months while
she is far away? I really like her and feel she and I could have a future together, so I
definitely want to date her once she gets back from Florida. But if I don’t call her, I
fear that she won’t want to see me once she comes back. I don’t want to seem to
her that I have no interest in her at all, but at the same time, I want to be a
Challenge. Is it possible to push Challenge too far? It would seem like a gentlemanly
thing to do to
call her once in a while, right? I don’t want to give the store away, but I’m not sure
how to proceed with the phone. I already mentioned to her that I don’t text,
since texting does nothing but decrease Challenge. I consider this not a long-
distance relationship, since we are not a couple yet, but once Eva comes back, I’d
love to see where things could go with her.

Giovanni — who is confused about the phone

Doc Love's Response

Hi Giovanni,

Regarding your age difference with Eva, I’d prefer it if the numbers were reversed: In
other words, if you were 36 and she was 30. Because women always have the
advantage in romantic relationships. Eva has 10 years’ lead time on you emotionally.
So theoretically, she’s really 46 years old and you’re still 30.

It’s great that you piqued Eva’s interest by talking with other girls at the party. You
created Challenge and she gave you her number. That’s the way you’re supposed to
do it. Great job, pal. But then you immediately undermined your accomplishment by
hanging around her all night. To you Psych majors, when you get the number, you
disappear. At that point, you don’t make yourself overly familiar. It’s a mistake and
you’re rushing things, like most guys. Instead you should let it be. Let some mystery
develop. You got her number, so get out of there and wait a week to call her.

Then you made another blunder and made out with Eva after going bar-hopping
with her. Again, you couldn’t wait to plunge in. What’s the rush, my friend? But you
said it felt right and was unavoidable. What a crock. I’ll bet that if I gave you a million
bucks you could have avoided it!

So Eva has to go to Florida for work. Wow, you got the only broken date in history
that was legitimate, dude! But she really didn’t break the date. She just cut down the
amount of time you were going to spend together. But if you and she were in a rush
to have a good time together, why did you have to look at her apartment? Weren’t
you wasting precious time by doing that? And you shouldn’t have kissed. Gosh,
Giovanni, you’re trying tomurder Challenge, aren’t you?

It’s wise that Eva took her business opportunity in Florida. But you're notgoing to be
talking to her when she's down there for three months! Most guys would. They’d be
ringing her up once a week after just one date — which is all you’ve had with Eva
and it was a short one to boot. No, you’re going to tell her to give you a ring when
she
gets back into town, then you’re going to disappear for 90 days. She’s not your
girlfriend or fiancé. You’re not going to be talking to her regularly and trying to build a
relationship by long distance on top of one measly date.

When you told Eva that she could call you, it was a big mistake, another attempt by
you to slay Challenge. You should have said “When you come back from Florida,
we’ll go out” — and that’s it. Yes, what you said was anti-Challenge. Like my Uncle
Jethro Love says, “You killed it, boy.” And you don’t tell a girl what you’d love to do.
You had one date with her and you’re already blabbing to her what you’d love to do
with her in the future. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Too
much mush.”

What you have to do for the next three months is be the Ultimate Challenge to Eva:
You’re going to have no contact with her whatsoever. No other guy in your position
would do that. Every other guy, after just one date with Eva, would be champing at
the bit to communicate with her on a weekly basis. You’re going to be different,
Giovanni.

You can’t know anything about a future with Eva, so you shouldn’t even be thinking
about it. You’ve had one date with her, guy. How can you think about a future with a
woman after one date? And a two-hour, rushed lunch date, at that?

If Eva doesn’t want to see you when you get back, that’s just the chance you’ll have
to take. Like I said, any other guy would call Eva — but you’re not. Your interest is
simple — you tell her to call you when you get back. That’s all she gets. Yes, it’s
possible to push Challenge too far, but not in this case — because you’ve got only
one date in with this girl. And this has nothing to do with manners and class and
being gentlemanly. We’re talking about romantic love and Challenge here. If you call
Eva once a week for three months, you will be giving the store away. But at least you
told her you wouldn’t text. Good for you.

So you’re going to wait for Eva to get in touch when she gets back. Remember, guys:
after one date you’re nowhere with a girl.

Dealing With Mixed Signals

Hey Doc,

I’m a student of your principles, and I’ve ordered your book and have studied all of
your columns on AskMen.

Here’s my situation: I met Ginger online and thought she was good material for a
potential relationship. We talked extensively on the phone and the attraction was
mutual. She is the most ideal Flexible Giver that I’ve ever met. We went on a first
lunch date which was very pleasant, and extremely light and funny, and she showed
clear signs that she wanted to meet again. Afterwards we talked on the phone more
and felt even more compatible.

We moved on to dinner dates and she was the one who initiated hand contact and
gave me quite a few tight hugs when we were saying goodbye. No kissing though.
The whole experience was quite overwhelming compared to all the other dates
I’ve had over the past year.

Anyway, after our last date she suddenly made the remark that she has not dated
anyone except for me after her divorce, and that she thought the process of meeting
at least a certain number of men was important for her in order to try to figure out
what kind of a man she’s really looking for. Openly suggesting what she was
intending to do right after very passionate dates and phone calls caught me off guard
and I felt a little disturbed. We ended the conversation with mixed feelings.

The next day Ginger called me, wanting to talk about the issue and how she did not
want to hurt me. I tried to apply your principles and said, of course, date other guys,
you should, and I will date other girls, then whatever time brings, it brings, right? We
had another very passionate date a week later and I thought things were back on
track.

Then, a couple of days later she sent me a text message explaining how she bought
this special crystal that supposedly helps a person to clear her thinking. She started
being more formal in her communications with me. A couple days later she asked me
if we could talk. She said she was totally confused, and that even though she
thought she was ready for new love, she now feels that she has to settle some things
in her head before she’s ready for any relationship. Now she doesn’t even want to
date anyone for the time being, meaning me, and she thinks we shouldn’t talk for a
while.

Doc, should I move on or is there still some potential here? I hate to see this go
down the drain, especially after a year of dating quite a few women and finally finding
what I thought was the one. Ginger is a Libra, if this means anything, which means
she’s indecisive, even though she claims that she knows what path she has to take
now, which is to not get involved in any relationship.

Collin — who is an incompatible Cancer

Doc Love's Response
Hi Collin,

Your first massive, massive mistake was talking extensively on the phone to Ginger.
For someone who’s read all of my columns, you really screwed up here. The phone
is to get the date. Texting is for getting the date. Emailing is for getting the date.
Only. None of them are for communicating in any other area. You must have face-to-
face meetings with the girl so that you can read her body language, otherwise you
have an incomplete and false notion of what’s really going on.

Then, after your dates with Ginger, you were back on the phone with her,
absolutely murdering Challenge. To you Psych majors, the entire idea of Challenge
is to let the girl wonder about the next date and how it’s going to turn out. And she’s
going to wonder about it more when you’re not constantly on the phone talking with
her and interfering with the mystery between dates.

How do you know Ginger is a Flexible Giver? Collin, you don’t even know this girl!
And you’re supposed to kiss the girl on the second date. If she doesn’t kiss you on
the second date, she’s out. You say that you were overwhelmed by your dates with
Ginger, but was she? You’re only talking about your feelings. What about hers?

Then Ginger tells you that she needs to date other men so that she’ll know what
she’s looking for. Hey, that’s really nice! You’re out on a date with her and she tells
you that she wants to go out with the U.S. Army! You really have a classy girl here,
Collin! You really read her right!

Of course you felt disturbed at this revelation, but then again, you’re not going by
“The System.” The two of you didn’t end the conversation with mixed feelings. Only
you had mixed feelings. Her feelings are very consistent. And what this means is that
you’re finished. Like my cousin General Love says, “When a girl tells you to your
face that she wants to date a division of the armed forces, you’re history.”

Then she calls and says she doesn’t want to hurt you. The reason she thinks
she’s hurting you is because you act hurt. Why are you showing your feelings to
this girl? But you thought things were back on track because the next date was
passionate. Guy, you’re looking at the wrong thing here. You shouldn’t be looking at
the passionate part, you should be looking at the part where she wants to go out with
10 other guys! Hey, Collin, here’s some breaking news — this girl doesn’t respect
you at all!

The reason Ginger’s communication is more formal now is because her Interest
Level is dropping. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “When she
starts calling you Mister, you’re in real trouble.” For a guy who’s read all of my
columns, Collin, nothing’s sunk in!

Saying that she has to settle some things in her head before she can have a
relationship is the biggest con women have run on men since Eve told Adam to bite
the apple. And now she doesn’t even want to talk to you. Man, you have this girl
mixed up with someone who cares!

What you have to do is memorize my book and throw this girl’s phone number away.
She liked you at first, but you butchered Challenge with the telephone, and now
you’re paying the price. This thing isn’t down the drain, pal, it was flushed out to the
ocean a long time ago.

You might have thought Ginger was the one, but she didn’t think you were the one.
So you’ve got it all backwards. The man’s interest doesn’t mean anything. And her
being a Libra doesn’t mean a thing either. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You
should have told her you were a Libertarian and confused her a little.” Collin,
anybody who talks about what path to follow and looks into crystals for advice about
their love life is a whack job.

Remember, guys: the most important factor in a relationship is the woman’s Interest
Level, not yours.

Dating Tricks
Hey Doc,

I’m a new reader, and let me say your stuff is great! I’ve just recently gone through a
divorce after being happily married. Long story short, she was unfaithful — the end.
Moving forward, I’m learning a lot about myself, and I’ve realized that I’m not as
wonderful as I thought I was. Going to therapy once a week has forced me to realize
a few things: 1. I can’t show affection towards a woman, out of fear of being
rejected. 2. How damn emotionally needy I am. 3. When getting to know a woman, I
have to prove myself worthy by verbally throwing up on her.

Anyway, I’ve now met what seems to be a really genuine lady, Summer. Well, they
all seem that way at first, don’t they? She has a great job, owns two homes, and just
seems to have her stuff together. We’ve hung out frequently for the past two weeks.
Our dates have been really fun, andwe’ve shared paying for them. She’s made it
very clear from the beginning that she was not going to get physically romantic with
me right away. Either she’s with someone else or she’s truly not an easy lady. Our
communication has been 50/50 between one another, and it seems to be moving
forward slowly. We’ve kissed passionately, but that’s all. She's done a great job of
not teasing me and has kept her cool. Of course, all this has gotten me crazy! During
one of our make-out sessions, I made it clear that if she views me as a friend or has
someone on the side, to please be truthful and not waste my time. She replied
“Absolutely not. I want to see you.”

Okay. I’ve read “The System,” and it all sounds great. However, if it’s not who I really
am, then isn’t following it just playing a game? If I’m genuine and truthful with myself,
and that scares a woman off, then I guess she wasn’t the right one. The right one will
respond the right way. If “The System” isn’t who I am, then playing the game would
be tricking someone into liking me, and sooner or later you just have to be yourself,
right? Why not be yourself, and run off all of the women but the right one? Am I
totally off-base here?

Spencer — who wants her to know how he feels

Doc Love's Response

Hi Spencer,

The real story is that women become unfaithful because they’ve fallen out of love.
And the reason they’re out of love is because you’ve turned her off by doing all the
wrong things.

Now let’s add to what you’ve learned about yourself. 1. You’re supposed to let the
woman start showing affection — then you follow her lead. If she starts showing
affection, you’re not going to get rejected. 2. It’s okay to be needy, but whatever you
do, don’t verbalize your neediness. If you didn’t act on your neediness verbally,
she wouldn’t know that you’re needy. Simple as that. 3. Verbally throwing up on a
woman is the opposite of working Challenge. Challenge demands that you keep
your mouth shut about your negatives.

When Summer said that she wasn’t going to get physically romantic with you, you
should have said “Yeah! That’s exactly what I want too! We have so much in
common.” You say that she might be with someone else or isn’t easy, but you’re
forgetting the most likely scenario: she has low Interest Level in you.

You say that Summer is keeping her cool with you. To you Psych majors, when a
woman has low Interest Level, she easily keeps her cool. Or like my cousin Fast
Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “When a chick is really wild over you, she can’t keep
her cool.”
Then you told her that if she sees you as just a friend or has someone on the side,
to just tell you the truth about it. Guy, can you think of a better way to put yourself
down in front of a woman?

And now you think that following “The System” is just playing a game. But here’s
where you’re not thinking straight, Spencer, and it’s your main problem and the
problem that all men have: since men are homo sapiens, they want to treat women
as men. And that’s what you want to do. When you start doing things differently
because she’s a woman, you’re not playing a game, you’re doing simply what she
likes — which is something that wouldn’t work with a guy.

Dude, you can always be yourself. But just don’t verbalize it to her. It’s not a matter
of the “right” woman responding the right way. If you do the right things, she’ll be the
right one. She’ll follow you because she’ll have high Interest Level.

“The System” is going to be who you are. Because you’re going to start treating
women as women, and when you do that instead of treating them like men, you’re
going to be more successful in your relationships. And you’re not tricking a woman
into liking you by following my techniques. You’re treating her like a female, not a
male. You’re tricking yourself when you try to treat a woman like a man and expect
her to put up with all your negatives like a guy would. A romantic relationship is
conditional. Your friendship with a guy is unconditional because he’s your buddy.
When you say “be yourself,” what you’re really saying is that you want to treat the
woman like a man. That’s what you don’t seem to get.

Yes, Spencer, you’re totally off-base. What you don’t grasp is that you have to treat
women differently. When you talk to a priest, or a CIA agent, or a cop, you change
your personality and approach with each one of them. But you don’t say you’re not
being yourself, do you?

Remember, guys: she’s a woman, not a man.

Avoiding Rejection
Hey Doc,

I haven’t read any of your books, but I have read a few of your articles on AskMen.
I’m 45 and I met Chandra, 41, online. She has been in a few relationships since her
divorce. We started talking on the phone after a few emails and graduated to talking
on the phone every night. We talked for hours, about everything and nothing at the
same time. I thought we were looking for the same things.
After four weeks of talking we met at a coffee shop. She had what I was looking for:
she’s athletic, down to earth, smart, and caring. The feelings I had talking with her
for a month instantly connected with my physical attraction. My comfort level with
this woman was high. We ended up going back to her place, where nothing
happened but a little teenage make-out session. The first clue that she wasn’t into
me was that she thought my kissing was “different.” I was embarrassed that she
didn’t like my technique. I thought I totally blew it.

To my surprise, she called me the next day. I went back to her place and we spent
the afternoon together. She even made dinner for me. When I left, I was a little
disappointed that she didn’t ask me to stay the night. I wasn’t looking to get intimate,
but to just be together.

The following night Chandra told me that she’s been so independent for so long that
having someone want to be with her so much was new to her. I said, "Why waste
time?" I wanted to build a relationship/history with this person. We saw each other
often for the next week or so. We talked about spending the holidays with each
other’s families and a future trip together. This made me think that Chandra could
see a future together.

Then I saw something that shocked me: Someone texted her and asked if she
missed him. I looked at her phone and read the history of their texts. She was
chatting with and seeing him the whole time we were talking! She even got together
with him the night before we met for the first time. This was devastating to me. From
the texts, I could see that she was really into him. They had an intimate relationship
where she wanted more, but he didn’t. Now I get that we weren’t seeing each other
at this point and had no commitment to one another, but I still felt betrayed. As the
days went on she got more secretive with her phone. The final straw was one
evening when we were watching a movie. During the first 10 minutes she texted and
listened to her voicemails and totally ignored me. I finally asked her who she was
talking to.
She said it was a client who needed an appointment. Of course I didn’t buy it. I got
physically ill knowing that everything was falling apart. The next morning we
parted ways.

It’s been a week since I’ve seen Chandra. I got a text from her but didn’t respond
and she hasn’t contacted me since. I know we were just dating, but I feel like I
connected with her. I told her how I felt even before I saw the texts from that other
man. As you can see, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I want to be in a fulfilling
adult relationship.

Doc, should I contact Chandra or just force myself to let her go? Should I
confront her about what I saw?
Hack — who is looking for closure

Doc Love's Response

Hi Hack,

The phone is to get the date, not for talking! What you did was put in all kinds of time
in with Chandra without seeing her, and you had no idea how she was reacting to
you physically. You can’t see her body language when you’re merely on the phone
with her, and body language is over 50% of the relationship. So straight out of the
chute, you were already losing the game.

You waited four weeks to get together with Chandra? Why not make it four years?
Gee, what’s the rush, guy? Then, when you finally met her, you were bowled over.
It’s amazing to me that you don’t talk at all about Chandra’sInterest Level. Obviously
you haven’t memorized my materials. The most important factor in a relationship is
the woman's Interest Level in you. But all you’re talking about is your feelings. The
problem is that your feelings don’t count. All that counts is her feelings towards you.
So you have everything backwards, Hack. After you read a few of my columns, you
should have ordered “The System” immediately, but sadly, you didn’t realize how
much you don’t know.

Another mistake you made was going back to Chandra’s house on your first date.
You don’t go back to her house because she’s not your girlfriend. And you don’t kiss
her on the first date, you kiss her on the second date. You’re absolutely butchering
my techniques, Hack!

It didn’t matter if your kissing was different. You weren’t a good kisser to Chandra
because she had low Interest Level in you. To you Psych majors, if she’s wild about
you, you’re a good kisser — it’s that simple.

You just wanted to be together with Chandra instead of getting intimate? Like my
cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You sound like a 12-year-old.” What
are you looking for, your mommy?

When Chandra told you that your overwhelming desire to be with her was new to her,
it meant her interest was sinking like a rock in the sea. You might want to build a
history with her, but you never looked at her Interest Level in you. All you’re going by
is your feelings towards her. But you talked about a future trip together. Where are
you going, to Mars on Virgin Airlines? Dude, you have no concept whatsoever
of playing it cool or not rushing in. And you read some of my columns on AskMen?
It’s stupefying.

Chandra never said she wanted a future with you. You said it and she just looked at
you. Why were you shocked about the other guy? Chandra’s not your girlfriend.
And by the way, you should have been going out with three other women besides
Chandra until she asked you to be her boyfriend. Why were you devastated that a
woman you’ve been out with only a couple of times is being hustled by someone
else? And you’re 45 years old? My friend, you are very naive.

How could you feel betrayed if you and Chandra had no commitment to each
other? Again, she wasn't your girlfriend. She never said she wanted to see you
exclusively. She never even said she liked you! There was nothing there, Hack.
Again, like most men, you were flying by your own Interest Level.

Now let me get this straight. After you discovered that Chandra was seeing another
guy, you still hung around her? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You ain’t only
dumb, you’re a glutton for punishment, too!”

Nothing fell apart, man, because you had nothing to begin with. So you and Chandra
didn’t part ways because you never were an item. You were just someone to talk to
on the phone and hang out with while her real love interest decided what to do.
There was nothing romantic coming from Chandra towards you in any area — ever.
Again, you weren’t dating. You were just wasting lots of hours with Ma Bell.

Do you think that wearing your heart on your sleeve is how to behave in a
relationship at 45 years old? And again, it’s not what you want, it’s what Chandra
wants. That’s what you don’t seem to get. Hack, you don’t know how to approach or
handle an adult relationship. And you don’t know how to keep it, and that’s why you
don’t have one.

So there’s nothing let go of. You’re not holding onto anything but a lot of air.
Remember, Chandra digs the other guy — not you. Do you think it bothers her that
you found out about him? The only person it bothers is you, because like most men,
you rushed into rejection.

Remember, guys: only the woman’s Interest Level counts, not yours.

She Makes The First Move

Hey Doc,
I have a question for you. Normally I wouldn’t even ask, but I don’t have a clue with
this woman. And — not to be cocky — normally I have enough “people knowledge”
to figure it all out myself, but this was a new one on me.

Last Sunday I went alone to a lounge café to drink some wine and relax after a long
day of work. I planted myself on a chair in front of the bar, I talked a bit with the
owner, who I know, and when he served my third drink, he said it was from a single
beautiful girl. I was baffled. A few minutes later she came out of the restroom and sat
closely next to me. And yes, she was gorgeous. I couldn’t believe my luck. We talked
a bit and out of nowhere she grabbed my arm and said “You’re my husband tonight.”
I looked around. At the bar there were no ex-boyfriends, just a few 80-year-old men.
(I always look around to make sure there are no jealous ex-boyfriends lurking in the
shadows.) I was stunned, but also a little bit high, and I said “OK, why not.” We
talked and I found out that Beverly was 29 years old going on 30 later this year. (I’m
24, by the way). We laughed and talked, and I took her out on the floor for a slow
dance. We talked more, and drank more, and when another guy sat at the bar she
proudly announced to him that I was her husband of many years.

Now here’s the wrinkle. At midnight I left the café with no woman, no number, no
nothing. Now I didn’t ask Beverly for her number, but I have to wonder why an older,
single woman who was a complete stranger just said to me that she wanted me to be
her husband. Maybe she was on drugs or a psycho, but she seemed too sweet and
normal to be either.

So Doc, what happened and what were Beverly’s intentions? Did she want me to ask
for her number, or kiss her, or challenge her and give her affection, or was she just
bored?

Quick — who was slow on the draw

Doc Love's Response

Hi Quick,

If you would allow me to train you, you would have all women figured out. Because
women are consistently like women and not like men. That’s what “The System”
teaches you. Among many, many other things that you obviously don’t know.

When Beverly whispered “You are my husband tonight,” you should have said
“Before we think about marriage, I should have your phone number.” Then, when
you were out dancing with her, you should have asked her where she was from,
what she
did for a living, how long she’s been in town, etc. In other words, you should have
conducted a soft interview to get a feel for where she was coming from by how open
and honest she was with her answers to these probing questions. But you did
nothing.

My friend, the biggest mistake of your life was leaving that café with no woman, no
number, no nothing. To you Psych majors, you have to ask for the phone number.
Dude, why in the world wouldn’t you ask for the phone number when a woman asks
you to be her husband for the evening? You have to ask yourself this question,
Quick: Why didn’t you ask for Beverly’s phone number after she came on to you so
strongly? How did you think you were going to see her later on if you didn’t have her
phone number? Did you expect to just run into her on the street? Did you expect her
to show up at your front door? This is the equivalent of being in the first grade in
“The System.” Asking for the phone number is basic.

You want to know why a beautiful woman would ask you to be her husband. The
answer is that you don’t know — which is why you gently probe, get her phone
number, then take her out and find out later. Meanwhile, you enjoy her for what she
is
— a good-looking woman who happened to hustle you, and that’s a very good start.

You want to think that maybe Beverly was on drugs or a psycho case, but maybe
she was just being cute and funny that night because she had too much Gallo wine
to drink and she was just playing with you, and there’s no more to it than that. Like
my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You’re making a mountain out of a molehill here, boy!”
Maybe telling you that you were her husband for the evening was just a way for
Beverly to be verbally affectionate with you in order to get the ball rolling, drink wine
with you, and dance with you. It’s that simple. But again, you didn’t ask for her phone
number, so you don’t know anything for certain.

What happened and what were Beverly’s intentions? To have a good time with you
that night by dancing and drinking with you, and to be sweet and nice to you, but
you dropped the ball because you were so flustered trying to figure out what was
going on rather than just saying to yourself “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth —
get her number!”

What did Beverly want from you? She wanted you to ask her for her phone
number. She didn’t want you to kiss her. She didn’t want you to Challenge her or
give her affection. And she wasn’t bored. She liked you, guy, but you didn’t close the
deal. In other words, you didn’t ask for the order – i.e., “What’s your phone number?”

Remember, guys: When a woman comes on to you, you have to ask for her phone
number.
Finding The Right Girl
Hey Doc,

My first wrong move is that I don’t own your book. I’ve only recently come across
your columns on AskMen and I realize that if I’d had your book, things would be
different right now.

I dated my fiancée for nine years before we decided to get engaged. This girl is a 10
on the looks scale, but we had very little in common. Recently I graduated from law
school and due to the terrible job market had to start my own practice. In order to
have money while I get my practice off the ground, I got a job waiting tables.

After a few months at the restaurant I started texting Holly, who was working as a
waitress there. I’d long had a wandering eye from my fiancée, because, like I said,
our relationship was based more on looks than mutual interests. Then Holly started
dating one of the other guys at our restaurant. That lasted six weeks. Afterwards,
one of the managers tried to move in on her, which caused her to quit, and then she
started working at another restaurant in the same chain.

Meanwhile, things with my fiancée were deteriorating. My interest in her was in the
20s and dropping. Holly and I met at a bar for drinks one night after work and it was
electric. We always knew there was a mutual attraction, but now we both felt it.

There’s another point worth noting here. I’m 33, Holly is 19. After that night out, I set
up a date for the following Sunday. It was great. Not as good as the first night, but
still great. Holly later told me that the above-mentioned guy who she dated for six
weeks
found out about our night at the bar and started calling her “the other woman” and
a “home-wrecker.” About that time I decided to move out of my house, away from my
now ex-fiancée. I also told Holly how much I liked her. I even sent her a poem I
wrote, which she said she loved. But after all that, she started blowing me off for
dates or other attempts to nail down a time to do something together.

Last week, after we hadn’t communicated for four days or so, Holly sent me a text
saying that I was everything she wanted in a guy, but that she was a mean person,
screwed up in the head, that she pushes away every guy she’s ever been with, that
she’s incapable of holding a steady relationship, and that she didn’t want to be with
me because she’d crush me in the end. I deciphered that code right away: She was
dating someone else. Looking back, she probably had been all along.

Doc, I’ve made every mistake in your book. I know that your response to this
scenario will be “you blew it” and start hustling new girls, but I genuinely want to
know
what you think my chances are of re-igniting things down the road with Holly if I do
the disappearing act.

DeMarius — who still feels like something’s there

Doc Love's Response

Hi DeMarius,

Every guy who buys my book tells me “I should have gotten it sooner!” I notice that
you still haven’t gotten it, with all the troubles you have on your hands. What are you
waiting for, pal?

You say you didn’t have a lot in common with your fiancée. To you Psych majors,
you don’t have to have a lot in common with a woman in order to have a successful
relationship. What you do have to have is confidence, control and Challenge, and a
woman who is a Flexible Giver and has integrity. That’s what you go for — the value
system, not commonality. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says,
“Pamela Anderson had lots of stuff in common with all of her husbands.”

Now let me get this straight. You’re engaged to someone and now you’re texting a
waitress? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Where’s your loyalty, boy?” You say that
your interest in your fiancée was dropping. It doesn’t matter what your Interest Level
is. What was hers? Because the woman’s Interest Level is the only thing that
matters. But you don’t have my book, so you’re not aware of that essential principle.
But hey, what’s the rush, right?

Now you tell me that you’re in your mid-30s and Holly is still a teenager. Guy, most
19-year-olds think men over 24 are old. Your second date with Holly wasn’t as
spectacular as the first because her interest was plunging because she’s a baby
and has no clue what she wants out of life. But again, you don’t know how to handle
a
teenage girl because you don’t have my book to guide you and alert you to the
pitfalls.

So, after going out with you, Holly was being called a home-wrecker. I wonder who
told her ex about your dates? I’ll you tell you who it was — Holly herself! This girl has
a big mouth! Why is she talking to another guy about her relationship with you?
Yeah, this waitress is a real keeper, all right!
And you’re a blabbermouth too, DeMarius. You’re not supposed to tell a girl how
much you dig her. And you don’t send her poems either. She gets poems after she’s
your girlfriend and you’ve been going with her for three or four months.

When Holly started breaking dates, it meant you were out. Like my cousin Rabbi
Love says, “Your little fling with a 19-year-old lasted all of 10 minutes.” When she
started telling you everything that was wrong with her, she was just rationalizing for
her low Interest Level in you. What happened was that you turned her off, but she
placed the onus of guilt onto herself. So actually it wasn’t her who screwed up, it was
you. Of course she’s dating someone else — because she’s not interested in you!

Your disappearing act comes way too late, dude. Now you’re out with both your
fiancée and Holly and the chances are one in a million for reigniting anything with
either of them. Finally, you shouldn’t even be hustling new girls because you haven’t
memorized my materials. When you go after new babes, you’re going to make a fool
of yourself like you did with your fiancée and the 19-year-old.

Remember, guys: when you’re out, you’re out.

Living A Fantasy
Hey Doc,

Over the past few years I’ve read a number of your columns, and now I have a
question of my own. If you could give me any insight into this situation, I would
deeply appreciate it.

When I was in college I fell head-over-heels in love with Marilyn. I had several
girlfriends before her, but I felt like she was the one. We were best friends, but we did
not date because at first she was not attracted to me. By the time we both developed
the same feelings for one another, I messed up and broke her heart the day after she
agreed to go out with me. Then she got into a relationship with another guy who had
been chasing her all year long. We did not speak to one another for six years.

Six years have passed, and recently we began talking again because we both live in
the same city. She says she has forgiven me, and apologized for her part in the
heartbreak. She also admitted to all the feelings she had for me. After we finally
decided to meet in person and I asked whether she was single, she revealed that
she was still with the guy she rebounded to six years ago, but that she is not happy
and has discovered he may have been unfaithful to her for years. By the way, I’d
been dating another girl, Susan, for only a month when Marilyn and I decided to meet
up again.
Two months have passed and Marilyn is still with her boyfriend, though it seems like
the relationship is falling apart even more, and I am still with Susan. I told Susan
about Marilyn, and said that she shouldn’t have to deal with this while I figure things
out, but Susan was willing to stick with me regardless.

My feelings for Marilyn have not changed. She is my first love, and possibly my true
love. In the years since college I have certainly been able to attract and date many
other desirable women, but none of them have made me feel the same way. Even
though we get along and have a great time together, Susan does not make me feel
this way, either.

Marilyn has given me some buying signals during our in-person meetings. She has
held my hands, let me hold hers, and even kissed me on the cheek. We teared up a
little while apologizing to one another during our first meeting. There are a lot of real
and strong emotions between the two of us that we never expected to have to
navigate again.

Should I just ask Marilyn directly how she feels about me and tell her how I feel,
despite her boyfriend? Or is my best move to keep doing my own thing, give Susan
a chance, and wait and see what happens? An older man’s coaching would certainly
be appreciated.

Faried — who is torn and an idiot

Doc Love's Response

Hi Faried,

Now let me get this straight. You didn’t date Marilyn because she wasn’t attracted to
you? Dude, this means you’re out forever. To you Psych majors, when a woman isn’t
attracted to you, it means she’s not interested in you. Which in turn means you have
no future with her. To Marilyn you were never anything but a friend. But you don’t
understand the consequences of being stranded in the friend zone because you
haven’t memorized my book.

How could you break Marilyn’s heart when she agreed to go out with you just one
time? It doesn’t make a lick of sense. Faried, you’re in a fantasy world here. This
woman was never attracted to you from the beginning. And she’s been with another
guy for six years. How can you expect to go against that? The answer is that you
can’t. You have nothing whatsoever established with Marilyn. All you ever had with
her was one broken date. And anyway, like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Her real
interest was always in the other guy.” You’re hoping now that somehow Marilyn is
going to rebound to you but I’ve got news for you — it’s not going to happen.

Now you’re talking to Susan about Marilyn. A huge blunder, Faried. You shouldn’t be
talking to your girlfriend about your feelings for another woman. You’re fixated on
Marilyn because you never got over the fact that she rejected you years ago.

Let me ask you a question. If Susan doesn’t make you feel like Marilyn does, why are
you with her? Marilyn’s not really giving you any buying signals. She’s just using you
as her psychiatrist to talk about her relationship with the guy she’s really in love with.
So this is nothing but more fantasy on your part. She already told you that she’s not
attracted to you, didn’t she? When did she ever tell you that she was attracted to
you? Never, that’s when. And that’s a very bad sign.

This thing about navigating emotions with Marilyn is nothing but more make-believe.
You’re the one with strong emotions and Marilyn has zeroemotions. Think about it:
she didn’t contact you for six whole years and she’s been in the arms of another man
all that time. Does that say that she cares about you? Like my cousin Fast Eddie
Love from East L.A. says, “You’re in love with a fantasy.” And you’re completely out
of touch with reality and life, my friend.

No, don’t ask Marilyn anything, guy. It’s a waste of time because she doesn’t dig you.
And it’s also a waste of time to stick with Susan. You’re in love with Marilyn but she’s
in love with the guy she’s been with for six years. You can’t beat six years. As far as
Susan is concerned, drop her. You’re wasting her time and your time. And you never
liked her to begin with.

Remember, guys: unless you memorize “The System,” you’re going to get yourself
into trouble.

She Needs Space

Hey Doc,

I recently purchased “The System” and am a rather astute learner. However, when
buying into your methods I was already on the way out with my girlfriend. I didn’t feel
it until I began facing the realities of your book, but boy do I feel it now.

Marina and I have been dating for nearly two years. I was methodical and
deliberate in my advances, and soon had her interest in the 90s. I had a busy
schedule, which contributed to the appearance of Challenge.

Even though I graduated from college a year ago and live at a distance from
Marina, we’ve made it work. She generally gives me the “I’m hooked” eyes that
have
indicated her interest is very high. Recently I made the career decision to move
closer to Marina’s area for work. I asked her if it’d be okay to sleep at her house on
the Murphy bed a few nights a week while I got settled, and she agreed. I was more
or less stuck at her house, but why wouldn’t I want to stay if it seemed like we were
having such a great time together?

During a snowstorm one night, she decided that she was going to her friend’s house
to spend the night, leaving me to go and stay with a friend of mine. I believe this was
an indication that Marina’s interest was dropping. She wouldn’t have done it if it still
was in the 90s.

I was naturally angry the next day, which was Valentine’s Day, but quickly shook it off
and gave her the usual treatment of flowers and a gift. We had plans to go to dinner
when she became very flaky. She said she felt stuck now that I was staying at her
house all the time and feeling “overwhelmed” with balancing everything in her life. Uh
oh, here it comes.

She didn’t want to go to dinner and said she needed space. I tried to talk to her about
it, then left. Three days later I went back to get my computer. She still wasn’t ready
for me, though she seemed loving and affectionate. We kissed and I left. A week
later she invited me to dinner and we began talking. When the idea of “us” came up,
she got a bit strange, and I quickly turned the date to the positive, making her laugh,
and letting her do all the talking. But when we were parting, she said she still feels
“overwhelmed,” but she initiated a kiss. I’m leaving out details about her gearing up
to graduate from college and having a lot on her plate. Nonetheless, I know that her
Interest Level was dropping, otherwise she wouldn’t act this way.

Doc, is it time to move on? Has Marina’s Interest Level guttered? Or does a woman
sometimes really need space even when dealing with a man she still has high
interest in? Where do I stand? Am I abandoning ship by thinking I need to move on
right now even if we haven’t formally broken it off?

Carmelo — who doesn’t want to get dumped

Doc Love's Response

Hi Carmelo,

It’s great that you’re an astute learner. But now you have to memorize my book and
vigilantly practice my principles.
But here’s the problem with Marina. When you started my book you were already on
the way out. Sadly, this is where most guys are when they come to me. Like my
Uncle Jethro Love says, “They call the fire department when the house is already
burned to the ground.” They don’t call me when the problem is just starting and the
issues are still small and manageable. They get my book when the woman’s Interest
Level isn’t dropping only a few points, they do it when it’s going south for 50 points.
That said, it was good that you at least presented the appearance of Challenge. To
you Psych majors, when you’re busy, you’ll stay away from her instead of
smothering her.

I hope that when you made the decision to move to Marina’s area that you told her it
was for the job and not her. Nevertheless, it was a huge, huge, huge mistake to tell
her that you wanted to stay with her while you moved. Like my cousin Fast Eddie
Love from East L.A. says, “You should have stayed at a Motel 6 for $39 a night.”
Instead of staying stuck at her house, you should have gotten out, dude. You might
have been having a great time with her, but she wasn’t having such a great time with
you.

When Marina decided to go and spend the night at her friend’s house during that
blizzard, right there you were out. It’s good that you recognized that her interest was
dropping, but as I said earlier, it’s best to buy “The System” before you’re having
troubles with her. All you guys can get women to fall in love with you, but most of you
don’t know how to keep them in love with you, and that’s the problem.

Now let me get this straight. You showered flowers and a gift on a woman who
doesn’t want to stay in the same house with you? Hey man, that’s smart! Carmelo,
when a woman even utters the word “space,” you’re lucky if her Interest Level is
51%. Very, very lucky. When Marina initiated a kiss, she was really just kissing you
off. Let me explain something to you, my friend. A lot of stuff on a woman’s
plate cannot lower her Interest Level in you. Only you can lower her Interest Level
in you.

Is it time to move on? Yes. Is Marina’s interest in the gutter? Yes. Does a woman
sometimes need space even if she has high interest? Impossible — it’s an
oxymoron. Where do you stand now? Out! Don’t fret over abandoning ship. Like my
cousin
General Love says, “The ship is already on the floor of the ocean.” And Marina is
being formal. She said the word “space” and she wanted to go and stay at her
friend’s house. That’s as formal as it gets.

Remember, guys: Every guy who’s bought “The System” says he should have
gotten it sooner.
Saving Your Relationship
Hey Doc,

I live in Australia but still managed to discover “The System.” It’s opened my eyes to
every past mistake I’ve ever made with women throughout my entire life. I call myself
the biggest Wimpus australianus on earth. Your book has completely changed my
life in just the three days that I’ve been reading it.

Here’s my problem. I got engaged to an absolutely amazing woman, Shaya, before I

found “The System.” We’ve been engaged a little over a year, but her Interest Level
has steadily dropped during the past three years we’ve been dating and is now
sitting at an alarming 51%. We live together in a small house while we are currently
building our own home. Also, her son lives with us (he was 2 when we started dating
and he calls me Dad).

What I am struggling with at the moment is trying to create Challenge while Shaya
and I are practically living on top of each other. We definitely see too much of each
other and I realize now exactly how I managed to drag her Interest Level down to
that precarious 51%. But how can we start again? How can I push her interest back
up to 90%, which was where it was when we first met? Is it even possible?

Going by your book, as long as her Interest Level isn’t at 49% I’ve still got a chance.
Shaya still shows many good traits. She’s never late, she has her life organized, and
she’s a Giver, though not as much now as she used to be. Shaya is definitely
someone I want to spend my life with, which is the reason I proposed to her. Your
books, articles, and radio show seem to be focused on dating from scratch, but I was
hoping for some sort of plan that an engaged or married man can follow to rescue a
sinking ship. Please coach me!

Murph — who is engaged but needs a savior

Doc Love's Response

Hi Murph,

Thanks for writing. I always hear from guys who buy my book that their biggest regret
was not getting it sooner. You’re no different, my friend.
For those of you who don’t have “The System,” what you mean when you call
yourself the biggest Wimpus australianus on earth is that you are practically the only
guy in Australia born without a backbone and the ability to ever say no to a woman.

Murph, the way you are going to create Challenge with Shaya is this: You’re going
to keep your mouth shut. That means you’re not going to blab about all your
insecurities and fears. When anything comes out of your mouth, it’s going to be funny
and light. There will be no heavy conversations of any kind. And you’re not going to
touch Shaya — she will have to touch you if she wants contact. Also, you’re not
going to be showering her with compliments. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from
East
L.A. says, “In other words, you have to treat her like she was your sister.” And you’re
going to continue treating her like your sister until she comes around.

Let me explain something to you. If you do the opposite of what you did to drag
Shaya’s Interest Level down to 51%, that’s exactly how you are going to drag it back
up. And yes, you can most certainly start over again if her Interest Level is indeed no
lower than 51%. But like I said earlier, you’ll have to keep your trap shut and let
Shaya initiate affection and romance, and you will have to let her come to you. When
she enters the room, let her approach you. Let her kick off all of your conversations.
You just sit back and wait.

Again, if Shaya’s interest is 51%, it’s definitely possible to get it back up into the 90s.
But here’s what I find most disturbing, Murph. My book includes a maintenance
program, which is one of the most important and profound parts of “The System.”
So I have to assume that you skipped over that section for some mysterious reason.
To you Psych majors, the principles that got her in the first place are the principles
that are going to keep her. Once you get married and are living under the same roof,
the way you keep Challenge alive is by not coming on to her verbally or any other
way. And again, make her initiate — touching, kissing, everything.

I know that you’re dying to spend all of your time with Shaya, but you don’t utter a
single word about how much she’s dying to spend all of her time with you. You don’t
even mention how much she likes you other than that she digs you about 51% of the
time.

Guy, if you had my book before you met Shaya and you went by the Maintenance
Program, you wouldn’t be in the mess you’re in right now, that’s for sure. So now you
have to go back into the Dating Dictionary, study and memorize the Maintenance
Program, and return to the techniques that won Shaya in the first place. Keep it light,
keep it funny, no heavy subjects, no negatives, and no put-downs. Like my cousin
Rabbi Love says, “If the room is quiet when you’re together, let it be quiet.” Then let
Shaya fill the void with her voice.
Remember, guys: If you’re engaged to a woman and you don’t have my materials,
you’re headed straight for divorce.

Keep Your Patience

Hey Doc,

I’m not sure if you read these letters or not, but I wanted to thank you for all the
insights thus far. I just purchased “The System” and started reading it last week. So
far it’s amazing stuff.

I was pursued by the beautiful Stefanie, who was recently divorced. Everything was
going great (though after reading your material I feel like a total wimp and a nice
“loser” kind of guy) until I lost my patience and told her that I liked her a lot. I think
this scared the crap out of her since it was her first relationship out of the divorce,
and she ran for the hills.

She still wants to “casually” date me, which is a really good thing, now that I have
your material! What stinks is that the relationship went from both a very strong
mental and physical connection to a casual thing with no physical contact. We’ve had
just one casual date since the “downgrade” talk, and it was a little awkward, but we
still enjoyed each other, laughed, had good conversation, etc. I walked Stefanie to
her car and we hugged, and then I kissed her on the side of the head (because I’m
confused and didn’t want to lessen her Interest Level even more) and she said, “It’s
all right. You can kiss me.” As a result, I have to assume that she still has a
decent Interest Level in me, but she just can’t commit to anything serious right now
because of the divorce baggage and having to sort through it.

Doc, what do you think Stefanie’s Interest Level is? She still wants to date me
casually, or so she says. But is she just trying to be nice and hope that I get the hint
and back off completely? I guess I just want to know if I should give up on Stefanie or
start working “The System” on her now. Is it too late to work your principles in this
situation?

Timmy — who is a Wimpus Americanus

Doc Love's Response

Hi Timmy,
The biggest mistake you made was telling the beautiful Stefanie that you liked her a
lot. To you psych majors, the key to women is patience. Patience is discussed at
length in “The System” because it’s such an all-important quality. But you lost your
patience, dude, and that’s why you’re in the fix you’re in right now.

When you told Stefanie how much you dug her so early in your dating relationship,
what happened was that her Interest Level probably dropped from 85% to 65% just
from that comment alone. Throw in that she’s coming fresh out of a divorce, and no
doubt she doesn’t want to feel any kind of pressure — and your remark generated
lots of it. Since she just got out of a pressure-cooker relationship, hearing you lose
your patience and start coming on heavy to her was the last thing she needed.

Kissing Stefanie on the side of the head was another mistake. Like my cousin Sal
“The Fish” Love says, “You kiss your grandmother on the side of the head, not your
girlfriend.” You should have kissed Stefanie on the mouth. But it is a good sign that
she told you that you could kiss her because it demonstrated that she
wasn’t completely turned off to you. But if her Interest Level is as low as 51%, you
might very well be almost out. Worse, it could be 49% and Stefanie is just wasting
your time.

This babe could have committed to something if you hadn’t scared her off by telling
her how much you fancied her. In which case you could have made her come to you
and ask you to commit to her. That’s what “The System” teaches you to do, but you
did it backwards, my friend. You didn’t have any patience, and this was the result.

What is Stefanie’s Interest Level now? Either 55% or 45%. Given those numbers, this
is what I would do: I would call her and ask her out, but not for a Friday or Saturday.
After each date, I would wait seven to nine days before calling her for another date.
The point is this: You have to create an atmosphere here where Stefanie misses you.
So you can’t come at her hard because if her Interest Level is only 49%, nothing is
going to happen anyway. But if it’s 51% or 55% or 60%, you have a chance of
boosting it back up. The keys are that you have to have a fun date. You can’t talk
about your feelings. You have to keep it light and funny. And, again, you never ask
her out for Friday or Saturday until she brings it up to you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie
Love from East L.A. says, “If she bugs you about seeing you on the weekend, there’s
hope.”

We don’t know yet if Stefanie is trying to make you back off without coming right out
and saying it. Of course you should start working “The System” on her now. What
would you be waiting for? And this just shows — like it does for every other guy who
got my book — that you should have had it sooner. Then you would have known
what to do with Stefanie because there’s a good chance that you’ve already blown it
with a good one.
Is it too late to work my principles on Stefanie? It all depends on her Interest Level.

Remember, guys: Coming on heavy with a girl in the early stages is never a smart
move.

Should I Give My Girlfriend A Second

Chance?
Hey Doc,

I bought your book recently and haven’t started it yet, but I keep hearing great things
about it!

Jini and I met seven years ago and fell in love at first sight. Because of our situations
at the time we didn’t start dating right away. We actually started dating three years
ago when she told me she had broken up with her boyfriend of five years. But the
truth of the matter was that we were in a love triangle with her alleged ex but I didn’t
know it. One day I got sick of it and ended it altogether. Jini and I stopped talking and
that was that, or so I thought.

My feelings for Jini are very, very strong and I would do anything for her. So six
months ago we started talking again. This time there was no ex involved. I am a firm
believer in second chances! We are now engaged. But there is one little issue I
have. Jini talks to a guy named Bill who she had a past with. They had a one-night
stand a couple of years ago and we have gotten into fights over him texting her. It’s
not anything romantic between them, but just a simple conversation and on occasion
they do hang out and grab a quick lunch or something. My problem is that because
of her cheating and the old love triangle, I’m afraid she may cheat again. I tried
talking to her and I talked to Bill and they both assure me that it was just one night
and that they are just friends and nothing more, and Jini has sworn to me herself that
she has zero interest in him. She tells me every time I bring him up that if she wanted
to be with him she would, but she says she’s in love with me.

We are planning our wedding and Jini has already bought her dress and we have a
date set. My question is, how do I overcome the feeling that something will happen
between Bill and my fiancée when they hang out? How do I know that Bill won’t
make a move on Jini? How do I know she won’t cheat on me when she has a past
history of cheating?

Dickinson — who can’t seem to rest easy

Doc Love's Response
Hi Dickinson,

Let me get this straight. You’re asking me a question, but you have my book sitting
right next to you unread. What sense does that make? It would help you enormously
to memorize my book and ask a question at the same time. One more thing: all of the
answers to all of your questions are right there in “The System.” So what are you
waiting for?

The truth is that Jini lied to you about having gotten rid of her ex when you and she
started dating. What does this say to you, Dickinson? It says that she’s dishonest,
she’s not trustworthy, and she’s not loyal. So she displayed three traits straight out
of the gate that proclaim loudly and clearly that she's no good for you.

You didn’t really end this thing with Jini, dude. So of course you broke down and
called her — and begged for another shot with her. When you say that you’re a firm
believer in second chances, I know you never even opened my book, because “The
System” doesn’t believe in second chances.

Now as far as Bill is concerned, you don’t know what happened in that relationship.
All you can go by is what Jini told you. And since she liedbefore, how do you know
that she’s not lying about what she’s doing with this guy? The reason that they hang
out and eat lunch all the time is because he wants her back. Why are you
rationalizing for her? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Are you oblivious, my son?”
Of course you’re afraid that Jini’s going to cheat again because she did it before.
This is the smartest thing you’ve said so far, pal!

But according to you, both Bill and Jini assure you that it was only one night and
meant nothing. Sounds to me like you’re talking to two liars in a new love triangle,
guy! But Jini swears to you that she has zero interest in Bill. If she has such little
interest in him, why does she go on seeing him?

Jini might swear that she’s in love with you, but she still wants to see Bill. If she
loved you, she would sever all contact with Bill to preserve your peace of mind. But
like my cousin General Love says, “Your peace of mind apparently means nothing to
her.”

Nevertheless, you’re going to go ahead and marry this girl. Like my cousin Fast
Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “I hope Bill’s going to be the best man!” Have you
asked him yet, Dickinson?

How do you overcome your feeling that something bad is going to happen when Bill
and your fiancée hang out? Buddy, your stomach is talking to you. Your gut is
telling
you to “Beware! Stay out of harm’s way!” That’s what’s really going on here and
that’s what the problem really is. You’re not listening to your gut, which is trying like
hell to protect you, but you won’t let it.

You don’t know that Bill isn’t going to make a move on Jini. But how do you know
she’s not going to make a move on him? You got it backwards, man! And you can’t
be sure that Jini isn’t going to cheat on you precisely because she has a past of
cheating.

Remember, guys: When you catch her in a lie, it’s time to move on.