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An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she is old enough to ask the
question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the birds and the
bees.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
No Extras!
A married couple goes into a dentist’s office. The husband is in a big hurry. He says, “No expensive extras, Doc.
No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.”
“I wish more of my patients were as brave as you,” the dentist says. “Now, which tooth is it?”
The husband turns to his wife and says, “Show him your tooth, honey.”
Cyanide Please
A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said,
"Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in
jail and I'll lose my license."
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife,
and handed it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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1. "This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar... oh, crap!"
Marketing 101
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing .
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her, and
pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising .
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and
say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing .
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a
drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way,
I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations .
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's
Brand Recognition .
A 90-year-
old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What
do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and
never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his
umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his
umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the
disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom
will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom
and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
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"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin
and ask for forgiveness,"
the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here,
isn't it?"
"Don't you start that crap in here,"
he re," the priest says.
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I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My
prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly
bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I
arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she
couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled
down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of
the house.
I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy
that you have passed our little
l ittle test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
Escaped Prisoner
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple
in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her,
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gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the
blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to
him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
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Call in sick
Bob calls in to his job:
"Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so
I'm not coming into work."
The boss says:
"You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That
makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that."
2 hours later Bob calls:
"Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."
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Sexual Confessional
A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
si nned."
"Tell me all of your sins, my daughter."
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When he returned his wife said, ''You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising
the world?"
So back to the pharmacy he went, and brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up
to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with
me for over 30 years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"
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The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to
your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."
Biology Class
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female
(FRESHMAN) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in
semen?"
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SNOW WHITE
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back,
hiked up her dress and then sat on his face screaming, "LIE TO ME! LIE TO ME!!!"
CHOCOLATE MILK
Once there were three guys and a prostitute. The first guy went to her and sucked her nipples and chocolate
milk came out. He was excited and told the second guy about her. The second guy did the same thing and the
same thing happened, chocolate milk came out. So the second guy went and told the third guy chocolate milk
came out of this prostitutes tits, so the third guy went to her and asked "Does chocolate milk really come out of
your tits?" The girl said "No it's breast cancer."
Limericks
There was a young lady from Leith
Who would circumcise men with her teeth
It wasn't for fame
Or love of the game
But to get at the cheese underneath.
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Magic Sandals
This married couple were on holiday in India. They were touring around a busy
Bombay marketplace looking at the goods when they passed this small sandal
shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You
foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
The married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them "I have some special
sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild and crazy at the
sex, just like great desert camel."
Well, the wife's eyes lit up as her husband wasn't exactly the sex god he
thought...far from it in fact. The husband felt he really didn't need them though,
"How on earth can a pair of sandals turn somebody into a sex freak???"
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and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding
there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran
as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack
and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
One of them says, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull,
but I got it fixed really quick."
"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's
nose and he got right after her."
Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers
in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip
roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.
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room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his
'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume
the doughnut."
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more
wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should
see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would
not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted
the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will
not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will
ever be. I cannot help."
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the
Browns, now please, please help us."
"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office,
stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of
Cheerios..."
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Friend: Well when I woke up, I found my self in the hospital with a busted
kneecap, a smaller dick and then I found out I had no health coverage.
Ungrateful Wife
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed
with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her
husband stopped her with these words:
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. While I was driving
along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and bedraggled,
So I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had
forgotten in the refrigerator. She had only some worn-out sandals on her feet, so
I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of
style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that
you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out, so I
gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.
Then, as the young girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is
there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"
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"Yes, I did."
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As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Cindy takes out the instructions
and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do...
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into on a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there."
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she
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So she gave him 5 pills. She came back the next day with crouches saying,
"Damn! That was the best sex I ever had. What if I gave him the hole bottle?"
The doctor said, "I highly not recommed that but, you can give it a try but be back
tomorrow!"
So the next day a little boy came in. He asked, "Are you the lady that told my
mom to give daddy those pills?"
The little boy went on her counter and slapped her across the face saying, "You
bitch!!! Because of you my mom is dead, my sister is pregant. My ass hurts, and
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Butcher's Pussy
One day, a man comes home from work and greets his wife. Upon seeing him,
she asks for $20 to buy meat for dinner.
He leads her to a mirror, holds up the $20 bill and says to her, "Honey, the $20 in
the mirror is yours. The other belongs to me."
Satisfied with his "ingenious" remark, he sits back and the incident is forgotten.
When he goes in the dining room, the table is laden with meats and delicious
foods.
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My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged
me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't
ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family".
The Colonel
A crusty old U. S. Air Force Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown,
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Colonel for
conversation.
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Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
Best Time To Process Your Payment (16 November 2006)
Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, So she gave the
guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch."
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Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel
clerk if they sell condoms. The clerk says "yes we do" and pulls one out from
under the desk and gives it to Donald.
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The bartender replies, "It's not that bad, sir, when we get lonely we go out back
where there is a barrel with a knothole in it. It never sounds appeasing at first, but
after one try you're hooked."
So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender
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whe he would repair the flat. The lady agreed and invited him into her parlor.
One word led to another; one drink let to another; one touch led to another. Irving
Topper was soon divested of his clothes and snuggling in the lady's bed with an
equally naked lady.
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While out fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim,
but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted: "Are
there any gators around here!?"
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