 OPINION 

  COMMENTARY

A Hostage Negotiator’s Lesson in Listening

‘In a volatile situation where someone’s life is on the line, there can be no
shortcuts.’
By Masada Siegel
Jan. 1, 2019 3:22 pm ET

Is listening a lost art? On TV news and talk shows, everyone seems to be interrupting one
another. Likewise in the political arena. Listening is especially rare on social media,
where people are eager to talk and loath to hear other points of view.

So recently I challenged myself to talk less and instead to actively listen, ask more
questions, and think about the responses. In particular, everywhere I went I asked people
if they feel listened to and if they listen to others.

At a media conference, one lady told me sometimes she gets nervous around new people,
so she thinks about what she will say as she listens so that she can be part of the
conversation. Another said that she wished people would listen and not respond with a
solution, because sometimes she’s only looking for a sounding board.

One evening at a restaurant, I struck up a conversation with a couple and asked their
opinion. They both said they weren’t good listeners and frequently interrupt people
because they want to participate in conversations. “I talk a lot because I’m insecure and
want people to like me,” the husband acknowledged. “Ironically, I’m reading lots of
leadership books, which all say if you want people to like you, you need to be a better
listener.”

Glenn Cohen, who recently retired as chief psychologist and hostage negotiator for the
Israel Defense Forces, told me that listening can mean life or death in his line of work.
There are five steps to negotiating a hostage’s release, he said; the first one is listening to
the terrorist.
“The biggest mistake to make is to jump to the last step, which is behavioral change,” he
said. “In a volatile situation where someone’s life is on the line, there can be no shortcuts.
You must listen, as the hostage taker is all charged up, emotionally and physically.

“He has his goal, so you must hear him out and understand what he wants to
accomplish,” Mr. Cohen said. “As a negotiator, you are looking for a win-win situation,
and a hostage taker needs an opportunity to vent and let off steam, as their adrenaline is
pumping and as they are in the moment. Unless they unload their demands, they don’t
have the capacity to hear and consider behavior change.”

Listening is an influential skill. The more you give others space to talk, the better you
understand them and the more willing they are to listen themselves.

Ms. Siegel is a freelance journalist who covers international affairs, business and travel.