COMMUNICATION STYLES

What attracts and repels us in human relationships? Why is it so easy to connect with
some people, and not with others? Just about everyone has had an experience of meeting
someone and feeling comfortable, connected and at ease with this person very quickly. When
this happens, we tend to see the person we connect with as a positive person with a great
personality.

The opposite experience is also very familiar - this is the experience of meeting someone
for the first time and instantly disliking them, or very quickly disagreeing and clashing with
them. The person we clash with is often seen as difficult or undesirable. But is this really true?
Have you ever disliked someone, but observed that they got along well with many other people?
Are they truly a difficult person? Although there are people who are extremely difficult, and
sometimes seem impossible to deal with, many personality clashes and bad chemistry in
professional relationships can be attributed to differences in communication style.

Understanding Communication Styles

Everyone has a style - whether it is your style of dress, a way of carrying or presenting
yourself, your general lifestyle and your communication style. It is the way you present yourself
to others, and how you are perceived by others. Your communication style affects your ability to
connect with others. Establishing and maintaining rapport, credibility and respect with others
hinges on you’re your ability to communicate your expertise, competence and genuine concern
to others.

The ability to understand how others approach their world through their communication
style can provide an opportunity for everyone to enhance communication between themselves,
their family, friends and their clients.

Communication is one of the key elements of our lives. How can an attorney provide the
most competent and satisfying service to clients where the rapport and connection is lacking or
impaired? You can increase your ability to relate to others by understanding your own
communication style, and evaluating how it meshes with others. You can also use the strategies
discussed in this article to maximize your ability to work effectively with others.

The Four Communication Styles

There are basically four personality types, and four accompanying styles of
communication. The four styles are the supporter-relater, the analyzer-thinker, the promoter-
socializer and the controller-director.

The four major communication styles that will be discussed in this article are based on
information from the “The Platinum Rule,” by Tony Alessandra, PHD., and Michael J.
O’Connor. These styles involve issues such as level of assertiveness, task vs. people orientation
and extroversion vs. introversion. Take a look at the styles and see if you recognize yourself, a
relative, a best friend, or that difficult colleague or in-law.

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1. The Supporter-Relater – The Relationship Oriented Harmonizer

How do you know if you are a supporter-relater? Ask yourself these questions. Do you
value relationships, peace and harmony above everything else? Have you ever been accused of
being a soft touch? You are probably a supporter-relater.

Nothing is more disturbing to a supporter-relater than conflict among people. Supporter-

relaters are the friendly, sensitive souls who find the good in all people. They focus on the
positive in people and no person is unlovable. They value relationships above all else. They
value acceptance of others and stability in circumstances. They have a large network of very
supportive people.

They are excellent listeners, team players, and great at collaboration and consensus.
They are easy going, and move at a slow, steady pace. They have a steady handshake, and make
intermittent eye contact. They are slow decision makers, and take everyone’s feelings into
consideration.

What is the downside of the supporter-relaters?

Supporter-relaters are oversensitive, unassertive, and fear change and risk. They tend to
take things very personally, so they can be touchy. They strive for harmony in relationships –
this makes them timid about voicing contrary opinions. They dislike and avoid disagreement
and conflict. They have trouble with the bottom line – they worry about others’ feelings.

2. The Analyzer-Thinker – The Idea Oriented Assessor

Are you an analyzer thinker? Does it drive you absolutely crazy when people get their
facts mixed up and then spread this misinformation around like it is accurate? Does
exaggeration really irritate you? You may be an analyzer-thinker.

Analyzer-thinkers value accuracy in details and being right. They are the thoughtful,
reflective members of society – no problem is too big to ponder. You can always count on an
analyzer-thinker to tell you the truth and give you the straight goods. They are reliable,
especially when it comes to accuracy and prudent decision making. They are excellent problem
solver, prone to logic and realism.

Analyzer-thinkers are independent, introverted people, who prefer to work alone. They
are highly organized, and plan thoroughly before deciding to act. They are quick to think, but
slow to speak. They are task-oriented.

What is the downside of the Analyzer-thinker?

Analyzer-thinkers are difficult to get to know as they are often closed about personal
matters. They are highly organized - they even plan spontaneity. They can be overly-cautious,
picky and inflexible. They dislike risk and change. They are unassertive and fear voicing

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contrary opinions. Procrastination is one of their biggest problems – they can become
immobilized by their fear of change, risk and moving forward.

3. The Promoter-Socializer – The People Oriented Visionary

It is easy to pick out a promoter-socializer because they just stand out. Are you talkative,
flamboyant, expressive and very open about yourself? Do you love to interact with all kinds of
people all the time? Do you hate to be alone? There is no doubt about it – you are a promoter-
socializer.

The promoter-socializers are the idea people. They are full of new, enthusiastic ideas and
visions, and are often well ahead of their time. They are willing to take major risks, just to try
out these new ideas. They love change and risk, and are easily bored. They are the eternal
optimists – no situation is beyond hope. This is because they love to brainstorm new ideas.
Promoter-socializers love to ask others’ their opinions, and are highly persuasive – they can sell
ice to Eskimos! They work quickly and enthusiastically.

Never throw a party without at least a few promoter socializers! In fact, invite them to
come early. They are truly the life of the party. They love people, and value relationships. They
love to talk so much, that they cannot stand to be away from their cell phone. You know a
promoter socializer, because they always make a grand, but late entrance to an event, and
everyone will turn their heads to see what this person is wearing or doing.

What is the downside of the promoter socializer?

The promoter-socializer tends to exaggerate – do not rely on them to give you accurate
and realistic information. They disregard the facts and details, and when confronted with them,
move on to the next idea and vision. They tend to take on too many things at once, and then
have trouble following through with their projects. They are easily bored and can lack tenacity.

Never argue with them – you can never win. Remember, they can sell ice to Eskimos!

The Controller-Director – The Results Oriented Commander

It really is O.K. to be a controller-director. After all, strong leadership often gets the job
done. Are you fearless? Do you believe that no obstacle is too big to tackle? Are you impatient
with people who move slowly and fear change? You are probably a controller-director.

The controller-director values a job well done. They are concerned with the bottom line!
They take charge, and are enterprising, efficient and competitive. Controller-directors like to be
where there is action. They are decisive risk takers. They make excellent administrators,
managers, and generals. They have no problem delegating and giving orders! They are not shy,
but they are private about personal matters.

What is the downside of the controller-driver?

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 They are poor listeners. They really aren’t that interested in other people’s points of view
because they know exactly how to get the job done effectively and efficiently. They can be
inflexible, controlling and impatient. They move quickly, and are intolerant of others who move
more slowly. They can be accused of being insensitive and even a bully.

In reviewing the four styles, you may have noticed that you have some traits from each style.
Most people, however, have one dominant style. Here are some tips on how to improve your
communication, based on your dominant style, along with ideas for relating to each style.

ENHANCING YOUR STYLE

If you are a supporter-relater:

You already have great listening and communication skills for establishing rapport and
trust with others. You make people feel valued, respected and accepted. You are a natural at
team work, collaboration and consensus. What can you improve?

Increase your assertiveness and stay on task

You can easily lose control of a client interview or a discussion if you are not able to
assert yourself. Speak more firmly and directly by using direct statements and questions. Use
steady eye contact. Make sure your body language matches your words. Avoid taking up too
much time on personal matters by orienting yourself towards information and facts, in addition
to relationships. Pay attention to time constraints!

For communications with a supporter-relater:

Be warm, friendly and sincere. Make sure you spend enough time engaging them
personally before you get to the bottom line. Try some small talk. Allow time to let them
discuss their feelings, especially their fears and concerns. Encourage expression of differing
opinions – they have trouble with assertiveness. Make sure they are not just agreeing with you to
avoid conflict. Help them balance tangible gain with their concern for relationships.
Compliment their team player skills and relationships.

If you are an analyzer-thinker:

You are a task-oriented person who is thoughtful and reflective – you consider all points
of view and weigh all options carefully. You are fair-minded and others perceive you as having
integrity. You have great problem solving skills and are efficient and thorough. You always
find the mistakes and flaws in any situation. What can you improve?

Increase your assertiveness and sensitivity to others

To be more assertive, use direct statements and ask direct questions. Make sure your
body language matches your words. Demonstrate sensitivity and interest in others by practicing
good listening skills. Be willing to talk about more personal matters, rather than just the task at
hand. Respond directly to the feelings of others people by acknowledging them. Don’t get
caught up just the fact pattern – remember that people have feelings.

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 For communications with an analyzer-thinker:
Always address their needs for efficiency, thoroughness, organization and accuracy.
Come prepared to any interview or discussion, and be systematic in your presentation. Discuss
the tangible results before broaching feelings. Allow time to review the risks of a situation
thoroughly, and allow time for questions and analysis. Give assurances of built-in safeguards to
encourage risk-taking. Don’t rush the process. Compliment their efficiency and accuracy.

If you are promoter-socializer:

You have excellent communication skills, and quickly instill hope and optimism in
others. You are dramatic and persuasive, and easily hold the attention of your clients. You excel
at creative thinking and never have a shortage of options, visions or ideas. You are intuitive and
can quickly focus on issues and concerns. What can you improve?

Orient yourself towards information and facts

Focus on accuracy of information and details. Do your research! Organize your
thoughts, and find out what information you need to follow through on your ideas and visions.
People will take your ideas and visions more seriously if they are well thought out. It is easy for
you to get very distracted and bored. Use guidelines and deadlines to help you focus and stay on
task. This will help you with follow through. Unfinished tasks have a negative affect on your
credibility. Use humor when exaggerating. Balance building relationships with accomplishing
tasks. Persuade with integrity - avoid pushing your own agenda.

For communications with the promoter-socializer:

Use lots of acknowledgment for their ideas – they are often the visionaries of society. Do not
rush the conversation – allow enough time for them to talk about their concerns. Use animation,
hand gestures and vocal variety to keep them interested. Keep things moving quickly as they are
easily bored. Be very specific about any behavior changes that they are willing to make.
Confirm all agreements in writing with clear guideposts. Avoid arguments – it is impossible to
win! Compliment their accomplishments.

If you are controller-director:

You naturally instill confidence in others through your efficient, competent approach.
You are focused, decisive, a risk-taker and an excellent leader. You love action, new ideas and
challenges that many other people would avoid. You are not afraid to tell the truth or make hard
decisions. You ask tough questions, delegate tasks to others easily, and will not tolerate
incompetence or inefficiency. What can you improve?

Increase sensitivity and team player skills

Demonstrate sensitivity to others by listening to them, using good listening skills. Show
more personal interest in others by asking appropriate questions about their lives. Learn
techniques to control your impatience. Let others talk – do not interrupt. Look at the underlying
issues and not just the bottom line. Increase your team player skills by acknowledging and
considering the ideas of others. Take time to work with others and verbalize your appreciation
of their contributions to the situation. Allow others to participate in the decision making process,
and encourage them to find solutions to their problems. Be respectful.

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 For communications with the controller-director:
Be assertive, but respectful. Be physically, mentally and emotionally centered before an
interview or discussion. Maintain a formal, business-like relationship. Focus on the task, rather
than personal feelings. Emphasize efficiency, productivity and the bottom line. Do your
homework – do not arrive unprepared. Compliment their leadership and efficiency.

Turn personality clashes into complimenting relationships

Are you a promoter-socializer clashing with an analyzer-thinker? In fact, are they driving
you crazy? After all, they always put a damper on your great ideas and visions. Are you an
analyzer-thinker who thinks that a promoter-socializer has one foot in the world of delusions?
Before you write each other off, consider that you might really need each other. As an analyzer-
thinker, remember that the promoter-socializer has the ideas and visions that are far too risky for
you to entertain. As a promoter-socializer, keep in mind that the analyzer-thinker has the
discipline, efficiency and expertise to evaluate your great ideas and visions, and come up with a
workable plan to put them into action.

Are you a controller-director that thinks the supporter-relater wastes far too much on
relationships? You may also think the supporter-relater is a bit of a push-over. As a controller-
director have you noticed, that the mere presence of a supporter-relater can remind you that
relationships with people are important? Have you noticed how their excellent communication
skills and concern for others preserves relationships? As a supporter-relater, do you often feel
that the controller-director is just an insensitive bully? Have you observed that the controller-
director has the initiative, expertise and courage to move situations forward, and make those
tough decisions that no one else wants to handle?

Next time you have a difficult time connecting with another person. Before you write
them off as a problem, try and figure out their communication style. You may be able to
compliment each other by pooling your strengths!

About the Author:

Anita Stirling has been a member of the dispute resolution community in San Diego since 1998.
She is a graduate of the National Center for the Resolution of Conflict (NCRC) and specializes in
family, community, and restorative justice mediation. Anita is also a founding member of The
Right Path divorce mediation group, with Sylvia Keating and Will Hannosh. You can contact
Anita via e-mail: stirlingmediation@yahoo.com, or by telephone: 619-665-5487

This article was printed in the North County Lawyer, Part I – April 2009, Vol. 26, No. 4, Part
II – May 2009, Vol. 26, No. 5

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