MY OUTER DEMON - PILOT

Written by

Jackson Salisbury
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

JACK (22), in his boxers and a Big Trouble in Little China

tank-top, is staring at STAN (N/A), who is in a full red
jumpsuit, laying on the couch.

The living room is a mess. Solo cups, beer cans and paper
towels are everywhere. A pentagram drawn in condiments is on
a wall along side movie posters.

Jack goes about cleaning as loudly as possible in an attempt

to wake Stan. There is a POUNDING on the living room wall,
but Jack doesn’t notice. MIKE (27), Jack’s big roommate,
comes out into the living room.

MIKE
JACK! KEEP IT DOWN YOU SOCIOPUSSY!

Jack obnoxiously picks up a beer can quietly. Mike rolls his

eyes and goes back into his room.

STAN (O.C.)
He seems lovely.

Jack turns and sees Stan sitting up and ROLLING a JOINT.

JACK
Are you one of Mike’s friends?

STAN
Are you?

Stan POINTS to Jack’s neck. Jack pulls up the CAMERA on his

phone. Using his screen as a mirror Jack can see that there
is a LARGE PENIS drawn on his face.

JACK
(to Stan)
Someone got you too.

Jack points to the TWO SMALL HORNS on Stan’s head. Stan

shrugs then pats his pockets looking for a lighter.

Stan looks up to Jack who is busy scrubbing his face. Stan’s

FINGERTIPS IGNITES and he uses the flame to spark the joint.
Jack finishes scrubbing and Stan offers him the joint.

JACK (CONT’D)
(coughing)
Holy shit. Thanks...

STAN
Stan.
 2.

JACK
Jack.

STAN
I know. You invited me.

Jack picks up an empty KETCHUP BOTTLE. He looks up to the

wall and sees the CONDIMENTS PENTAGRAM.

JACK
The lengths we go to get chicks.
I mean if drawing a pentagram at a
party doesn’t work who knows what
will?

STAN
You don’t have to tell me. I once
had the hots for this goat that I
burnt down a barn to distract the
farmer and get close to her.

JACK
Did she have horns too?

STAN
What do you think I was holding
onto?

Jack and Stan both start laughing. They laugh and “bahhh” so
loud that Mike storms out of his room again.

MIKE
I TOLD YOU TO KEEP IT DOWN!

STAN
Shut up.

MIKE
Excuse me?

STAN
I’m not going to ask again.

MIKE
FUC...

Mike takes a step towards Stan. Stan effortlessly punches

through Mike’s chest, grabs his heart and pushes it through
the back of Mike.

Beat. Jack coughs. Stan calmly looks at Jack who looks at the
joint and throws it down. Stan tries to remove his hand from
Mike’s body, but finds it stuck. During the struggle he looks
to Jack again, who mutters in shock.
 3.

JACK
Like a cookie jar.

Stan acknowledges this and drops the heart. Mike falls to the
ground, which frees Stan’s arm. Jack rushes over to Mike.
Grabbing a nearby solo cup he starts to SCOOP BLOOD back into
the hole where Mike’s stomach used to be. Blood shoots out
and covers Jack. In a final attempt to revive his roommate
Jack picks up the heart, bobbles it and puts it back into
Mike’s chest. Stan looks on in amusement.

STAN
Ok, that’s enough. Lets get going.

Jack stands up and starts to slowly back away from Stan.

JACK
Going?

Stan points to the pentagram then to Jack. Jack points at

himself then at something behind Stan. Stan turns and Jack
rushes to wipe the pentagram away.

STAN
It’s too late for that Jack. Your
soul belongs to me.
(in demon voice)
STANINURTA THE DEMON!

JACK
Can’t you take his?

STAN
He’s dead.

JACK
Dead dead? Any soul left?

STAN
It’s not like you can pay by cash
and card.

JACK
Why didn’t you just take it last
night?

STAN
It was a fun party. I didn’t want
to be that demon.

Jack starts THROWING NEARBY ITEMS at Stan. Stan laughs at

Jack’s feeble attempts and even sticks out his chest. Jack
grabs some GARLIC POWDER which he CHUCKS at Stan.
 4.

STAN (CONT’D)
Fuck that stings!

JACK
Oh sorry.

STAN
Enough! Jack Cassidy you’re coming
with me. You have drawn the
pentagram, recited lines from the
book of Belial and sliced your
palms. Your soul is mine.

Stan is standing over Jack who is cowering in a ball with his

eyes closed. Stan mutter incantations under his breath and...
Nothing happens.

STAN (CONT’D)
Wait is it (demon phrase) or (demon
phrase)?

JACK
Umm Mr. Staninurta

STAN
Call me Stan.

Jack shows Stan his UNCUT PALMS. Stan’s eyes widen.

STAN (CONT’D)
FUCK!!! (DEMON NOISE)

Beat.

A phone starts to ring. Jack stands still. Stan does not. He

stomps around cursing and breaking everything in arm’s
length.

STAN (CONT’D)
What a waste of time. Thanks for
the party. Sorry about the mess.
Have a bad life.

Stan stands with his arms wide and starts chanting again and
again nothing happens.

JACK
Excuse me, but generally Demons
cannot return to hell without
completing their task.

Stan SNAPS his fingers and a KNIFE appears in his hand.

 5.

JACK (CONT’D)
Wait! There’s another way.

STAN
How do you know?

JACK
It was in an episode of Dark
Shadows.

STAN
My cousin was a technical advisor
on that show.

JACK
Really? That’s awesome.

The phone RINGS again. Stan THROWS the KNIFE and it sticks
into Mikes side. Jack goes over and takes the phone.

JACK (CONT’D)
It’s his girlfriend.

STAN
Ex.

JACK
Should I answer it?

STAN
It’s always best to just say the
bad news up front.

JACK
(answering phone)
Hi Sarah, it’s Jack. Mike’s dead.
Okay. Okay...Okay.
(Hangs up)
She said she’ll be over soon.

Stan snaps his fingers and a PLASTIC KNIFE appears.

JACK (CONT’D)
I’m not cutting my hands.

STAN
Why are you being so difficult?
It’s a sin to be selfish you know.

JACK
No it’s not. What kind of second
rate demon are you?
 6.

STAN
Damn. Now you’re going to tell me
being an asshole isn’t a sin.

JACK
Can you bring him back to life?

STAN
You tell me. I’m just a second rate
demon.

JACK
If you help me bring him back to
life I’ll help you return to hell.
(beat)
You need me to get back, his
girlfriend is coming and I can’t
help you if I’m in jail.

STAN
Fine. Where’s your spell book?

JACK
What spell book?

CUT TO

Jack and Stan are on the couch staring at Google on a laptop.

JACK (CONT’D)
Should I be in incognito mode for
this?

STAN
I always have a little dirt on my
history. If someone sees
beastiality in my google searches
they assume that’s the worst of it.

JACK
That’s not the worst of it?

STAN
Sure.

Jack types “how to reanimate a corpse”.

MONTAGE Of Jack and Stan “fixing” Mike.

-Jack opens his fridge and pulls out some cold cuts. Stan
nods as he stirs a pot on the stove. Jack duct tapes the cold
cuts together and puts it over the hole in Mike’s stomach.
 7.

-Stan showing Jack a video on the computer. A sheep’s “bahhh”

can be heard. Jack covers his mouth, but continues watching.
The pot begins to boil in the background.

-Stan takes a ladle and tastes the stew. Then adds a little
salt. Stan picks up the pot and pours the liquid onto Mike’s
stomach.

END MONTAGE

Jack and Stan step back and admire their work. Mike stands in
front of them swaying back and forth.

JACK
You know what I’m thinking?

STAN
I’ll get the lube.

JACK
No.

CUT TO

Mike is dressed in a hawaiian shirt and sunglasses. Jack and

Stan each operate one of Mike’s arms with a string tied
around the wrists.

JACK (CONT’D)
When was the last time you were on
Earth?

STAN
‘73 for The Exorcist premiere.

JACK
You were involved in The Exorcist?

STAN
Pazuzu was the main demon, but we
were roommates back in the 1600s so
he invited me up to stay in Regan
for a couple days. “Your mother
sucks cocks in Hell, Karras, you
faithless slime.”

JACK
That was you?

STAN
Yup. Made the final cut. That was
such a great possession. We were
all so pumped when they adapted it.
 8.

JACK
“Lick me! Lick me!”

STAN
“That’s much too vulgar a display
of power.”

The two laugh when suddenly the doorbell RINGS. Jack rushes
to the door as Stan takes off the sunglasses and jumps on the
couch. Jack opens the door and SARAH (mid-20s) comes bursting
in. Sarah brushes past Jack and walks up to Mike. She stares
expectantly at Mike for a while. Mike stares back. Mike SWAYS
and FALLS towards her. His arm lands around her and they
embrace.

SARAH
Aww baby. You know I get worried.

MIKE
UhhhhhHHHhhhHHH.

SARAH
Shhh. Don’t cry baby. I know you’ve
been under a lot of stress.

Mike leans on Sarah who leads him to Mike’s room.

STAN
Alright. A deals a deal. Let’s cut
up those palms.

JACK
The deal was that I tell you
another way.

STAN
Ok. Spit it out.

JACK
I have to check my spell book.

Cut to

Jack and Stan are at his laptop Googling: “how does a second
rate demon return to hell after unsuccessfully taking a
soul.” Jack hits search and the two read the results.

STAN
That’s it?

JACK
Apparently.

Awkward beat.
 9.

STAN
Ok. Well bye.

JACK
Bye. It’s been...

STAN
Yeah, it’s been...

Awkward beat.

STAN (CONT’D)
I should get going. Sisyphus is
going for his fifty millionth
attempt and people are saying he
might actually push the rock up the
hill this time.

JACK
Put $5 on him for me.

Stan chuckles then doesn’t go.

STAN
What are you up to?

JACK
I kinda want to watch The Exorcist.

STAN
I haven’t seen that in forever.

JACK
Do you want to stay and watch it?

STAN
I don’t want to impose.

JACK
Seriously it’s no trouble. We could
order a pizza.

STAN
Fuck that.

Stan snaps and two PLATED STEAKS appear on the counter.

JACK
Nice.

Jack goes to a plate, but pulls back.

JACK (CONT’D)
What kind of meat is this?
 10.

STAN
One sec.

Stan snaps his fingers and one of the steaks changes.

FADE OUT