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Han Zhu

Andreea Corona

Ling 3C

17 November 2022

Love May Be Paradoxical: An Explanation of Mentalities of Individuals in Love

“Fire runs through my body with the pain of loving you; pain runs through my body

with the fires of my love for you.” It is not a twenty-first-century love poem written by a

professional writer but one that an anonymous Indian wrote in Southern Alaska in 1896

(Fisher). In fact, romantic love has existed for thousands of years, and love letters 4000

years ago looked the same as those written today (Kaveladze et al.). Love has a magical

power that can change individuals' mentality and permeate human nature for thousands

of years. Through years of experiments, psychology researchers and neuroscientists

discovered the exciting nature of individuals' mentality when they fall in love. Love may

be paradoxical: when individuals fall in love, their behaviors tend to be both rational and

emotional, and love may affect them both positively and negatively.

Although the formation of love appears to be primarily based on the emotional links

between two individuals, the fact suggests the opposite. Evolution psychology indicates

that activities of the human mind developed to prioritize the actions necessary for

survival and reproduction, and the formation of love also follows this rule (Kaveladze et

al.). In The Brain on Love, Ackerman points out that at the beginning of a romantic

relationship, the brain will extend its idea of self to include the partner. Through body

contact and transmission of microorganisms, individuals’ immune systems will identify

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the other, and the couple will absorb each other through exchanging identities. Helen

Fisher also mentioned the changes in the brain in her TED Talk Brain in Love. She

discovered that A10 cells, the cells that belong to the brain’s reward system and spray

dopamine to the whole brain, will become active when individuals fall in love, leading to

feelings of energy, focus, and motivation. This change can cause the feeling of addiction,

which is similar to the effects of cocaine. Sometime after the creation of romantic

relationships, the brain will form an "apartment lease agreement," a phrase invented by

Kaveladze Benjamin, author of Why Does Love Feel Magical? It's an Evolutionary

Advantage. He suggests that love is like signing a lease. Individuals are prone to sign

yearlong leases of an apartment instead of keeping the search for better ones because the

process of searching is annoying and costly. It is the same in romantic relationships.

Individuals tend to commit to their current partner rather than continuously finding new

mates to avoid the challenging search process, so the relationships can last long enough

for couples to co-parent children (Kaveladze et al.). In other words, this intoxicating

emotion towards the current partner is the subconscious rational brain progress evolved

through thousands of years of evolution to ensure genes can be passed on. Other rational

brain processes also make individuals commit to their mates. Benjamin mentions that

love can make individuals feel potential mates are less attractive and causes jealousy

which motivates individuals to protect their partner from the threat of potential mates.

Although these emotions are sometimes subconscious, they are all rational and formed to

ensure that reproductions can occur. Based on the evidence, love is influenced strongly

by rational brain activities and can lead to rational behaviors, like guarding mates.
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However, sometimes love can also be emotional, especially when individuals are looking

for potential mates.

Nowadays, individuals tend to do “relation shopping" while pursuing dating

partners. In A Rational Checklist is no Match for Emotions in Matters of the Heart,

Karen Wu explains that "relation shopping" means individuals seek perfect combinations

of attributes with their partner. Karen argues that though individuals think they are

rational, they often forget to consider some vital factors, like excitement, hunger, and

sexual arousal, when they meet potential partners. In other words, they forget to think

about emotional aspects. In the passage, Karen brings up some studies that corroborate

the effects of emotions in love. In the first study, researchers asked college students

about their criteria for choosing mates. The results showed significant gender

differences: men preferred beauty, and women preferred wealth. Nevertheless, when the

study participants dated with others, the difference in preference for wealth and beauty

between genders disappeared. In the second study, researchers found that ethnic

preference was strong among Asian Americans, who looked for individuals of the same

ethnicity due to parental expectations. Similarly to the previous experiment, their ethnic

preferences disappeared when participants started dating. The studies show that

individuals' preferences can be easily changed by emotions (Wu). This phenomenon

suggests that emotion may strongly affect individuals in love, making them forget about

the criteria they set before. “In the heat of the moment, emotions may override

preconceived notions about what you desire. (Wu)”

Love may be a paradoxical experience: individuals can be driven by both rational

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brain activities and emotions. Likewise, the effects of love may also have two sides: it

can affect individuals both positively and negatively. The negative effect of love can be

severe. When researchers scanned the brains of individuals dumped by someone in love,

they found that the same area that will be active when individuals experience intense

love is still active (Fisher). This finding reveals that individuals who are socially rejected

will love even harder. Being socially rejected can also cause physical pain. In a study,

neuroscientists discovered that when individuals were rejected, the dorsal anterior

cingulate cortex, the part of the brain that accounts for physical pain, is active

(Ackerman). Nevertheless, the positive effects of love can be significant. Diana

Ackerman uses many experiments and observations to demonstrate the magical power of

love. When individuals touched their partners' hands, the physical pain from electrical

shock was considerably lessened; couples in everlasting love displayed the calm, like

effects of cocaine. The most noteworthy example Ackerman provided is a story of

herself. Her 74-year-old husband got a stroke and became unable to speak. Despite the

sadness that Ackerman felt, she began using new communication methods. She used

gestures and facial expressions to communicate and demonstrated her affection as much

as possible to her husband. After some time, something magical happened: her husband

could talk and write again. This event undoubtedly showed the power of love: it can

change individuals’ physiology and neural functions (Ackerman).

The adverse effects of losing love may be significant. However, one should keep

pursuing love because love's positive feelings, stress-lessening, and physical

improvement effects are powerful. However, individuals need to consider both love's
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rational and emotional qualities to avoid undesirable situations. Instead of doing "relation

shopping," individuals should do "relation shipping." They should find partners willing

to spend time and energy together to improve their romantic relationships (Wu).

Likewise, Benjamin suggests that individuals should find a "good enough" partner. The

rational part of love will make individuals commit to the proper mates, and it is one of

"life's great gifts" (Kaveladze et al.). Despite the rational part of love, the emotional one

also influences individuals and makes them forget about the criteria they set before. As a

result, individuals should consider some factors before finding their loved ones. Karen

Wu gives her opinions in her passage. Firstly, individuals should understand their own

biases by asking others who know bias better than themselves. Besides, individuals need

to consider what qualities in their partners truly attract them to avoid being totally driven

by their emotions. Moreover, staying away from places where one is likely to meet "bad

boys" and "bad girls" is also a great idea to avoid the negative power of emotions.

Following these three rules, individuals may have a better chance of finding the partner

they genuinely love without being fooled by momentary emotions.

Love is magical. It tends to be both rational and emotional, and its effects can be

positive and negative. However, love is not intimidating. Individuals should notice their

mentality while falling in love, use less time to select potential mates, and care about

their emotions' influence. Once genuine love is formed between two individuals, the

powerful magic starts to work to improve their mental and physical health. To find true

love, individuals need to follow their hearts and commit to partners who are good

enough. Despite the complex mentalities of individuals in love, following the heart will
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help them to find the answer.

(Word Count: 1381)

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Works Cited

Ackerman, Diane. “The Brain on Love.” The New York Times, The New York Times, 24 Mar.

2012, https://archive.nytimes.com/opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/03/24/the-

brain-on-love/.

Kaveladze, Benjamin, et al. “Why Does Love Feel Magical? It's an Evolutionary Advantage.”

University of California, 14 July 2022,

https://www.universityofcalifornia.edu/news/why-does-love-feel-magical-its-

evolutionary-advantage.

“Tedtalks: Helen Fisher--the Brain in Love.” Performance by Helen Fisher, The Brain in Love,

2008, https://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_the_brain_in_love?referrer=playlist-

the_weird_science_of_love&autoplay=true. Accessed 17 Nov. 2022.

Wu, Karen. “A Rational Checklist Is No Match for Emotions in Matters of the Heart.” The

Conversation, 13 Sept. 2022, https://theconversation.com/a-rational-checklist-is-no-

match-for-emotions-in-matters-of-the-heart-109331.