Using proper counselling steps, techniques and appropriate methods, explain how you would

counsel a person who is married to a narcissist.

By definition, counselling is a process that occurs when a client and counsellor set aside time in
order to explore difficulties which may include the stressful or emotional feelings of the client. It
is a concept that has existed for a long time. We have sought through the ages to understand
ourselves, offer counsel and develop our potential, become aware of opportunities and, in
general, help ourselves in ways associated with formal guidance practice. However, the idea that
marriage counseling can help many problems in a marriage, even including narcissism is a hotly
contested topic. This stems from the fact that narcissism is rarely treatable. According to the
Miriam-Webster dictionary, narcissism “is a disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of
self-importance. Symptoms include an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others'
feelings, an inability to handle any criticism and a sense of entitlement”. In psychological terms,
narcissism doesn’t mean self-love at least not of a genuine sort. It’s more accurate to say that
people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are in love with an idealized, grandiose
image of themselves. But propping up their delusions of grandeur takes a lot of work and that’s
where the dysfunctional attitudes and behaviors come in, and marriage counseling can help.
Thus, while marriage is one of the most important relationships in human societies, but it can
also be one of the most complicated, and especially so if one of the partners is narcissistic. Being
in a relationship or marriage with a narcissist can present a myriad of problems, but with proper
counselling steps, techniques and appropriate methods, marriage counseling it can be a healing
process for both the partners as a couple and the narcissistic individual as a person. This essay
therefore seeks to explain how one may counsel a person who is married to a narcissist, using
proper counselling steps, techniques and appropriate methods. That being as it may, it is
important to note that “what actually happens in counselling may depend less on the theoretical
orientation of the specific counsellor than on a set of more general features of the counselling
situation as a particular type of helping relationship”. As such, this essay which explore the
common set of principles that cuts across most forms of the counselling processes, theories and
practices.

1st Stage: Initial Disclosure - Relationship Building

The first step involves building a relationship and focuses on engaging clients to explore issue
that directly affect them. The first interview is important because the client is reading the verbal
and nonverbal messages and make inferences about the counsellor and the counselling situation.
They key issues here revolve around the concerns of client with regards to the counsellor’s
ability to empathize with them and their genuineness. In this case the counsellor ought to
sympathize with the client and sympathize with them by addressing and echoing their plight
emanating from their relationship with the narcissistic partner. Confirming that living with
narcissistic partners can be incredibly difficult can serve as a building block for further
discussion and therefore facilitate the exploration of the most profound emotions of the client.
This is crucial as it does not only gets the ball moving but also warms up the client to loosen up
and feel less judged or misunderstood as they are likely to feel that way given their previous
encounter with the narcissistic party when such a conversation arose. Carl Rogers was among the
earliest to emphasize the importance of building a relationship between the counsellor and the
client. He identified three important conditions for the establishment of an effective counselor-
client relationship: Empathy, Genuineness and Unconditional Caring.

2nd stage: In-depth Exploration - Problem Assessment

While the counsellor and the client are in the process of establishing a relationship, a second
process is taking place, i.e. problem assessment. This step involves the collection and
classification of information about the client’s life situation and reasons for seeking counselling.
This involves recognizing the finer details of the picture and getting a grasp of how deep the
client has been affected by their exposure to the narcissistic behaviour of their partner as well as
how serious the narcissistic tendencies are in the partner. There are different ways in which
counsellors use the information collected about their clients. Some counsellors look mainly for
patterns of behaviour. Others use it for planning relevant counselling strategies and approaches
to use with problems. In this case, the counsellor might look at the client’s behaviour in
interpersonal relationships and use behavioural strategies that tolerance or reduce docility
depending on the objective. Thus, assessment is important in seeking relevant information about
clients and their problems and the information can be used to initiate the process of change for
clients. Assessment collected at the early stages of the counselling process will help counsellors
formulate hypotheses. Assessment is an ongoing process during counselling. Assessment gives
an idea to the counsellor the intensity of the problems and how the client is coping with the
problem. Counsellors who do not assess the problems presented by their clients “are more likely
to formulate wrong conclusions about client problems and irrelevant or non-workable
counselling approaches and strategies.

3rd stage: Commitment to action - Goal Setting

Setting goals is very important to the success of counselling. It involves making a commitment to
a set of conditions, to a course of action or an outcome. Goals help the counsellor and client
determine what can and what cannot be accomplished through counselling. In goal setting, the
client identifies with the help of the counsellor, specific ways in which they want to resolve the
issues and what course of action should be taken to resolve the problem.
For the client in this context, these goals include;
1. Learning about Narcissism: The more you understand NPD, the easier it will be for you
to recognize emotional manipulation tactics and the reasons why your partner behaves in
certain ways. This is because people with NPD have learned to ignore, suppress, deny,
project and disavow their vulnerabilities or at least try in their attempts to shape and
reshape “who they are” in their interactions. Change allowing the vulnerability back in
means opening up to the very feelings they’ve learned to avoid at all costs. It’s not that
people with NPD can’t change, it’s that it often threatens their sense of personhood to try.
And their failed relationships often confirm, in their minds, that narcissism is the safest
way to live.
2. Setting and maintaining boundaries: Boundaries are defined as the maintenance of
both party’s needs with as much balance as possible. Take time to identify your needs,
communicate these clearly to your partner, and restate them as often as you need to.
3. Learning to identify manipulation tactics: Narcissists use manipulation tactics to meet
their needs in a variety of ways, resulting in others being hurt by their actions. Taking
time to recognize and understand manipulation tactics can help you know how to stop
these unhealthy behaviors when they occur. Narcissists will often convince you that you
have no options outside of the relationship, and that you can’t be trusted to make
decisions on your own. This fallacy is created to protect their best interests, not yours. If
your partner recognizes their fears and is willing to take responsibility for them, therapy
can help improve the health of your relationship. However, due to the nature of NPD, this
will rarely be the case.
The number one thing to determine is whether or not you feel safe in the relationship.
This applies to a variety of areas in your life your physicality, emotional well-being,
financial stability, and parental role. If you do not feel safe in any of these areas, it may
be time to consider what an exit plan from the relationship might look like.
Being married to a narcissist is challenging and can impact you in a multitude of ways.
Recognize the ways in which your partner is affecting you, validate your needs and
wants, nurture other healthy relationships, and make sure you’re getting the support you
need. Remind yourself that it is not your job to change your partner; instead, advocate for
your needs and be sure to take care of yourself.
4. Fostering other healthy relationships: It is important to have relationships outside of
your marriage, but it’s particularly important when you’re married to a narcissist. This
way, you have objective input that has your best interest in mind.
5. Not tolerating insults: Name-calling and insulting your partner is unhealthy and can be
abusive in any relationship. Communicating that this behavior is unacceptable will help
to protect your self-esteem.
 6. Not feeding into emotional tantrums: When a narcissist lashes out, they are attempting
to intimidate others into offering them the attention that they desire. If your partner is
having an emotional tantrum, give them space to begin learning how to self-soothe and to
break this cycle.
7. Recognizing that they are not to blame: A narcissist will treat everyone the same way;
there is nothing that you have done wrong to deserve their behavior. Realize that their
actions are a projection of their illness, and they have nothing to do with you.
8. Focusing on recognizing and meeting their own emotional needs: When they give in
and prioritize their partner’s needs over their own, this opens the door for resentment
and burnout in the relationship. Hence, they ought to take time to recognize their own
needs just as often as their partner’s.
9. Working on acceptance: As much as you might like to, you cannot change your partner
or control their actions. Trying to do so will only cause exhaustion and frustration.
Accept what you can, and know that it is okay to leave the relationship if there are major
issues or your partner is unwilling to work toward compromise.

Step 4: Counselling Intervention

There are different points of view concerning what a good counsellor should do with clients
depending on the theoretical positions that the counselor subscribes to. For example, the person-
centred approach suggests that the counsellor gets involved rather than intervenes by placing
emphasis on the relationship. The behavioural approach attempts to initiate activities that help
clients alter their behaviour.

Step 5: Evaluation, Termination or Referral

For the beginning counsellor, it is difficult to think of terminating the counselling process, as
they are more concerned with beginning the counselling process. However, all counselling aims
towards successful termination. Terminating the counselling process will have to be conducted
with sensitivity with the client knowing that it will have to end. Note that each of these steps
continues even though the counsellor and the client moves to the next step. For example, after
built a relationship, the counsellor moves to Step 2 which involves assessing the problem
encountered by the client. In the meantime, the counsellor continues to strengthen the
relationship that has been built. In other words, Step 1 or the building of a relationship does not
stop but is ongoing until Step 5 which involves termination or perhaps the client is referred to for
further action.
REFERENCES

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