PRE-MARITAL COUNSELING OUTLINE

Copied from the notes of Mrs. Liberty P. Jesalva

I. PURPOSE FOR MARRIAGE

II. ROLES OF THE HUSBAND / WIFE

III. GUIDELINES FOR FAMILY LIVING

IV. THE 4 “C’s” IN MARRIAGE

V. 10 REASONS WHY LOVE IS NOT ALL THERE IS TO MARRIAGE

VI. EXPECTATIONS IN MARRIAGE NOT REALIZED

VII. REASONS WHY MARRIAGES DISSOLVE

VIII. ON MARRIAGE AND FAITHFULNESS

IX. MAKING YOUR MARRIAGE DIVORCE PROOF

X. SOME UNHEALTHY REASONS FOR MARRIAGE

XI. MARRIAGEABILITY TRAITS

I. PURPOSE FOR MARRIAGE

Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but
whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.

A. COMPANIONSHIP
Genesis 2:18 And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be
alone; I will make him a help meet for him.

Ecclesiastes 4:9 Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for
their labor.
10 For if they fall, the one will lift up -- his fellow: but woe to him that is alone
when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.

B. COMPLETENESS
Genesis 2:21-23
21 And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and
he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
22 And -- the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman,
and brought her unto the man.
23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall
be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

C. PROCREATION
Genesis 1:28 And God blessed -- them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and
multiply, and replenish -- the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the
fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that
moveth upon the earth.

Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but
whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.

Psalms 127:3-5
3 Lo, children are a heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.
4 As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth.
5 Happy is the man that hath -- his quiver full of them: they shall not be
ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.

D. ENJOYMENT
Genesis 29:30 And he went in also unto Rachel, and he loved also -- Rachel
more than Leah, and served with him yet seven other years.

Ecclesiastes 9:9 Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the
life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy
vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labor which thou takest
under the sun.
 Proverbs 5:15 Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of
thine own well.
16 Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in the streets.
17 Let them be only thine own, and not strangers’ with thee.
18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.
19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at
all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.

E. PRODUCE GODLY SEED

Malachi 2:15 And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And
wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your
spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.

Isaiah 43:7 Even every one that is called by my name: for I have created him for
my glory, I have formed him; yea, I have made him.

F. ILLUSTRATE JESUS’ LOVE FOR HIS CHURCH

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church,
and gave himself for it;
26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or
wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife
loveth himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it,
even as the Lord the church:
30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined
unto his wife, and they two shall be -- one flesh.
32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and -- the church.
33 Nevertheless let every one of you -- in particular so love his wife even as
himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

II. ROLES OF A HUSBAND / WIFE

A. ROLES OF A HUSBAND
1. Family Leader
Ephesians 5:21-33
21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the
church: and he is the savior of the body.
24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their
own husbands in every thing.
 2. Ideal Lover
Eph. 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and
gave himself for it;
26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or
wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife
loveth himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it,
even as the Lord the church:
30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined
unto his wife, and they two shall be -- one flesh.
32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and -- the church.
33 Nevertheless let every one of you -- in particular so love his wife even as
himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge,

giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs
together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

3. Provider
1 Timothy 5:8 But if any provide not for his own, and especially for those of his
own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.

4. Family Priest/Pastor
Eph. 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and
gave himself for it;
26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or
wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

5. Father Teacher (when children comes)

1 Corinthians 14:35 And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their
husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.

6. Protector – Spiritually, Emotionally & Mentally, Physically

B. ROLES OF THE WIFE

1. Helpmate / Subordinate / Sub-mentor
 SUBMISSION - is when the attitude and action are in complete agreement.

2. Home Manager
 Her basic domain is HOME: Cleanliness and orderliness are important.

3. Mother Teacher
Eph. 5:16 Redeeming the time, because the days are evil.
 17 Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord
is.
18 And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the
Spirit;
19 Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing
and making melody in your heart to the Lord;
20 Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of
our Lord Jesus Christ;
21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.

 Effective child discipline : Clear Instruction + Love + Insistence (diligence) &

Consistence

4. Ideal Feminine Beauty

Eph. 5:22-23
22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the
church: and he is the savior of the body.

 Outward Part – Hair, clothes any bodily deportment

 Inner Beauty – “ The Hidden Man Of The Heart “
1 Peter 3:4-6
4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even
the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great
price.
5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in
God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
6 Even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as
long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

5. Lover
Being alluring to the husband in her manners & deportment & responsibilities.

Titus 2:3-5
3 The aged women likewise, that they be in behavior as becometh holiness, not
false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;
4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to
love their children,
5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own
husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

III. GUIDELINES FOR FAMILY LIVING

1. God’s Truth (Word) in the Parent’s Lives

2. God’s Truth (Word) in the Home
3. God’s Truth (Word) in All Areas of Life
a. God’s Word in the front-let of the forehead
 b. God’s Word written in the doorpost of the home.
-Internal relationship of the home among parent-children- household.
c. God’s Word written in the hand as bracelet.
- means, whatever the person does , it is to bring honor and glory to God.
d. God’s Word written by the doorpost.
- business transactions and social functions must be honoring the Lord.

IV. THE 4 C’s IN MARRIAGE

1. CHRIST : the foundation in marriage

 both husband & wife should be Christians, thoroughly born again spiritually.
1 Corinthians 3:11 For other foundation can no man lay than that is laid, which
is Jesus Christ.

2. COMMITMENT

3. COMMUNICATION
 3 Parts In Communication
-talking
-listening Note: Listening is the hardest part of communication.
-understanding

 Weapons that destroys communication:

-explosion -silence
-criticism -endless chatter
-tears

 Keys to Effective Communication:

a. Learn to understand your partner.
b. Accept your partner unconditionally and cheerfully.
c. Plan a suitable time for your partner.
d. Introduce the subject carefully and tactfully.
e. Speak the truth in love.
f. Allow for reaction time.
g. Never argue nor defend yourself.
h. Pray about it.
i. Commit the matter to God.

4. CONFLICT RESOLUTION
 Handle the conflict as it arises.
 Confront each other courteously.
 Stick to the issue.
 Seek compromise.
 Listen as much as you talk.
 Look forward to reconciliation.
V. 10 REASONS WHY LOVE IS NOT ALL THERE IS TO MARRIAGE

Other factors to consider:

1. Emotional adjustments
2. Goals QUESTIONS TO ASK IN
3. Intelligence SPIRITUALITY:
4. Education 1.Does he/she reads & prays
5. Vocation daily?
6. Health 2. Church attendance?
7. Talents 3. Obedience to God’s Word?
8. Family Involvements 4. Personal Testimony?
9. Friends
10. Spirituality

VI. EXPECTATION IN MARRIAGE NOT REALIZED

1. Consider what you have to offer to the other.

2. Do you have a healthy desire to develop intimacy, which is a healthy choice?
3. Are you using marriage as an excuse to an unhappy home?
4. When individuals enter marriage from a deficit position, a strain is immediately
placed in a relationship.

VII. REASONS WHY MARRIAGE DISSOLVED

1. One or both persons fail to understand the stages and changes of individual
developments , the seasons of their marriage and how they affect their marriage.

2. People have an inadequate basis upon which they build their personal identity
and security.

3. Because their partner were never prepared for marriage & because their
expectation about marriage were totally unrealistic.

VIII. ON MARRIAGE AND FAITHFULNESS

1. Tie your life and purpose to the will of God.

2. Give your partner no reason to suspect anything you do.
3. Maintain your life of absolute purity in relationship with others.
4. Keep your hands ups and thoughts off of others.
5. Have love and desire only for the lover of your life.
6. Talk things over freely and never keep secrets from your partner in marriage.
7. Keep the emphasis of your home on Christ.

IX. MAKING YOUR MARRIAGE DIVORCE PROOF

1. Build each other up & practice complementing your spouse.

Note:
 never make your spouse an object of your joke before your children
and other people.
 Sarcasm is the cancer of marriage.

2. Share honestly with each other.

 Practice listening what you hear.
 Avoid “walking out” or “clamming up” as a way of controlling
argument.

3. Disagreement is not a sign of weakness.

4. Discover how to have fun with each other.
5. Commit yourself at being “best friends”
 Practice the discipline of scheduling time.
6. Learn to say “forgive me” .
 Kindness makes a man attractive.
7. Love breaks the limit of your life.
 Don’t be jealous.
8. Show your faith positively.

X. SOME UNHEALTHY REASONS FOR MARRIAGE

1. To spite or to get back at your parents.

2. Because of a negative self-image.
 Marrying your fiancé will give meaning to your life.
3. To be a therapist or counselor to your fiancé.
4. Fear of being left out.
5. Fear of independence.
6. Marrying on a rebound.
7. Fear of hurting the other person.
8. To escape an unhappy home.
9. Because you are pregnant or your fiancé is.
10. Because you have had sex.

XI. MARRIAGABILITY TRAITS

1. Adaptability & flexibility - ability to change and adapt.
2. Empathy - ability to be sensitive to the needs , hurts and desires of others.
3. Ability to work through problems
4. The ability to give and receive love.
5. Emotional stability - accepting one’s emotion and controlling them.
6. Open , honest and emotional level of communication.
7. Similarities between the couples themselves.
8. Similar family background.