Fill Fill Fill Fill Fill Fill Fill

by Steph Del Rosso

Contact:
Ben Izzo
Abrams Artists Agency
646.461.9383
ben.izzo@abramsart.com
Flying Solo
JONI. 29. Moves a mile a minute. Trying to carve out a space for herself.

NOAH. 30. A rock star. Someone you used to worship (and these days you wonder: how?).

TODD. Late 20s. Very kind. Not very cool. A waiter.

YOUNG JONI. In the fourth grade. Wears an orphan costume.

So In Love Oh My God
LISA. 30s-40s. Grown-up popular girl. “I used to teach pilates.” With Ray.

RAY. 30s-40s. Alpha-male. Looking for a party and/or an escape. With Lisa.

KATE. 29. That friend who may have outgrown you. With Doug.

DOUG. 30s. Probably did improv in college. “Not all men.” With Kate.

Place
Some sensory-overloaded city.
Which also means: the people who populate this world must not all look the same.

Time
Not too long ago.

On Punctuation
Slashes (/) indicate when the next line begins.

Lines in (parentheses) are spoken softly or under the breath.

Lines in [brackets] are unspoken.

On Characterizations
Lisa, Ray, Kate, Doug, and Todd play multiple roles, including, among other things: doctors,
bartenders, baristas, contestants, and audience members. In these moments, the characters are still
themselves at their cores—they’ve simply been heightened or amplified. Think: Lisa exclamation
point (!) or Doug exclamation point (!!). The play is hurtling us toward the !!!! version of each of
these people, which reaches a kind of apex in the game show scene.

Keep in mind that we are often if not always seeing the world through Joni’s lens, and her lens is
warped.

On Sex
The sex in this play should be stylized. There’s no need for nudity. Have fun with a very non-literal
interpretation of a threesome, whatever that may mean to you.

2
The sex in this play is consensual. But, it is very important that Joni’s ultimate disengagement with
and disinterest in the threesome is communicated clearly. I am telling the story of a woman hovering
over her own body during sex, and two people who don’t notice.

On Pace
Things move fast. Especially transitions. Ideally they don’t exist. No blackouts until the end.

On Tone
These people don’t know that they’re in a comedy.

And this play should be a comedy until it isn’t.

3
A concert.
It’s crowded. Loud, electro-funk music plays. Lots of horns.
Noah, a man who probably has dimples and who definitely swaggers through life, is perched beneath the spotlight.
The crowd is losing it.

Noah
Thank you! Thank you so much. Thank youuuu!

Cheers, cheers, cheers.

He beams
And beams
And beams
And beams
And

Noah
While I have your attention, you guys, I actually wanted to

More cheers!

Noah
I really appreciate the support—Thank you!—You guys have been the best but I
I have something to say right now
Something important.

A hush.

Noah
To my girlfriend, Joni. Where are you, Joni?
Get up here with me!

Joni
Oh no no I’m good

Noah
Come on, get up here!

Joni
Noah—

Noah (a chant)
Joni, Joni –

The crowd joins in. “Joni! Joni! Joni!”

Joni (….!)
Ok ok—I’m coming!

4
Cheers, cheers, cheers.
Joni joins Noah on stage.

Joni (whispered…!)
What’s going on?

Noah
Mic check one two one two
(clears throat)
Joni Joni Joni
Do you remember that night we ate Thai food in bed? And we spilled soy sauce on the sheets? And
those little mushroom caps and the baby corn were all scattered around your pillowcases, but we
didn’t give a shit?
Do you remember this?

Joni
Of course

Noah
We could’ve easily sat across from each other at the kitchen table but
It was one of those nights, you guys, where it felt ridiculous to NOT be in physical contact.
There was no reason NOT to be splayed out in our underwear. Chopsticks on our bellies.
Am I right?

Joni (“embarrassed” but secretly into it)

(Noah, why are / you)

The crowd is loving this.

Noah
Obviously we end up barely eating a thing.
Started going at it right there, inside our little cocoon of delivery bags.

Some “ow owwwws”

Noah
Noodles up to our elbows. Pork rinds on our thighs.

Joni (playing along)

Peanut sauce on our collarbones…

Cheers cheers cheers!!

Noah
It was. Amazing.
And then
Joni
Do you remember how we passed out without realizing it? On top of all the scraps?

5
Joni (a funny memory)
Definitely

Noah
And do you remember how I woke up before you did to clean it?

Joni (…is this still a funny memory)

I think so

Noah
I was dabbing a washcloth on every brown-black stain, and you were just. Lying there. Deeply
deeply asleep. Except for this spring roll moving up and down on your chest, you looked. Dead.

Maybe a laugh from the crowd.

Joni (ha ha?)

Seriously?

Noah
And when I got closer I saw that you had sleepy seeds in your eyes—you know, that eye-gunk. And
you had bean sprouts in your hair. And you just looked so
So

Joni (?)
Peaceful

Noah
I was actually gonna say—

He takes her hand.

Some more cheers.

Noah
See the thing is. Joni.

Joni (is this what I think it is…!)

Yes?

Noah
What I want to tell you is.

Joni (this is what I think it is!)

(oh my god)

Noah
When I stood there, trash bag in my hand, staring at you all
Naked and oblivious and dripping in sesame oil. I thought to myself:

6
Joni (this is happening!!)
(oh my god!)

Noah
I need to erase a quadrant of my life.

Joni
….

Noah
I said I need to erase a quadrant of my life.

Joni (….)
What does that mean

Noah
I need to erase the
Relationship
Quadrant
Of my life

Joni
Why do you keep using the word quad/rant

Noah
I don’t see you in my future.

Maybe a gasp from the crowd.

Joni
I’m sorry?

Noah
It was good while it lasted. It was great!
But I think I deserve more than good or great. I think I deserve like, explosive.
I mean, I love you Joni

Joni (…)
I love you too

Someone in the crowd yells: “I love you Noah!!”

Noah (re: crowd)

And I love you guys too, don’t worry!

Joni
(?)

7
Noah
But.
I want to see other people.

Joni (??)
I thought you were erasing the “relationship quadrant”

Noah
Well those were just words.

Someone yells: “You have such a way with words!!!!”

Joni
(?????)

Noah
I need to be with someone who has more—self-awareness. Self-possession? I need to be with
someone who’s. Bold! Someone who jumps off cliffs into blue lagoons and takes baths in
Sriracha
Someone who will dance with me on a light-up platform until 6am and then cook us like,
immaculate huevos rancheros when we stumble home

Someone in the crowd yells, “I can do those things, Noah!!!”

Someone else yells, “Me too!!”.
Some whistles.
Noah laughs.

Noah
Ok settle down settle down

Joni
I’ve oriented my whole life around you

Noah
I think that’s the problem

Joni
That’s not the problem that’s what a relationship is

Noah
Joni—
I think you need to ask yourself who you are, outside of me

Joni (!@$%#)
Wow.

Noah
Take your photography, for instance

8
Joni (this stings)
What about my photography

Noah (….)
Well what’s happening with it

Joni
I’m trying to get more gigs, it’s / just

Noah
But I’m not talking about gigs. I’m talking about ART. Where’s your passion? Your perspective?
Where’s Joni’s cutting edge view of the world, in photos?

Someone yells, “You’re so inspiring, Noah!!”

Joni
I shoot that kind of stuff all the time, you’ve seen it

Noah
I mean, I’ve seen it. But have you guys seen it? Have you seen her photos in galleries or museums?

The crowd coos “noooooo.”

Joni
Oh ok, so I’m not famous enough for you?

Noah
It’s not about fame, Joni. It’s about pushing yourself. It’s about throwing yourself into a thing

Joni (?!)
It’s a difficult field to just “throw yourself” into

Noah
But isn’t everything difficult worth pursuing?

Affirmative cheers from the crowd.

Joni
Why wouldn’t you want to be beside me, while I pursue it?

Noah
This is what I’m talking about

Joni
Not like physically beside me but

Someone goes: “Booooo!!!”

9
Noah
Hey, hey. Be nice. Be niiice!

Joni (!)
Why are we doing this here??

Noah
Because,
I wanted it to feel special. Like an actual event
So many of my buddies break up with people over the phone, on the road
I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to do that at all

An “awwwww” from the crowd.

Joni (genuine)
Who are you?

Noah (duh…)
Joni,
It’s pretty clear who I am and what I’m doing

Joni
That’s not an answer!

Someone yells: “Get off the stage!!”

Noah (….)
I think security’s coming

Joni (quieter)
WAIT. Wait. Please. Noah.
Please.
Do you realize that. I spend every day. Anticipating the way you’ll look at me when you walk
through the door?
Some days are literally just the hours between when I get out of bed and when I wait for you to look
at me, in the door frame
The key clicks and you’re standing there, exhausted, your commute was hell. But you’re tilting your
head a little with this
I mean it’s the kind of look I dreamed up when I was a skinny, scared little high schooler
It was like you were about to say to hell with it all but then you put your hand on the knob, you
walked inside still shivering a little from the cold and you thought to yourself,
How could I possibly curse the world with her in it

….

Noah
That is what I felt.
At first

10
Joni
But not anymore

The crowd has evaporated. They’re no longer at the concert.

Noah
I need to go

Joni
Where?

Noah
Away

Joni
Away where?

Noah gets farther and farther and farther away.

Noah
I don’t know. Looks like the Wild West

Joni
Cowboys?

Noah
Looks like the moon

Joni
Craters?

Noah
Looks like my life without you

Joni
But

Noah
My dad always said: Son, don’t ever ever ever change your plans for a woman

Joni
What about my plans?

And Noah is gone.

Fluorescent light. A doctor’s office.

Lisa
Can you describe your symptoms?

11
Joni
I feel like I’m missing something

Ray
Can you be more specific?

Joni
I feel like there’s a hole

Lisa
Ok where

Joni
In my. Brain

Ray
Hmmmm

Joni
But only half of it

Lisa
So you’re saying you’ve lost your head?

Ray
So you’re saying you’ve lost your mind?

Joni
Just half of it

Lisa
Any other holes?

Joni
Yeah lots, all over

Ray
Can you clarify?

Lisa
Where precisely?

Joni
Backbone, soles of my feet, knee. Yeah definitely knee. Huge hole on my knee

Ray
I don’t see any blood…

12
Joni
No but there’s still a / hole

Lisa
I don’t see any blood

Joni
No but

Doug
How many of your fingers was he holding up?

Joni
What?

Doug
How many fingers am I holding up?

Joni
Five

Kate
How many years were you together?

Joni
Five

Doug
How many years were you together but not actually together?

Joni
Who knows

Kate
How would you like that cooked?

Joni
Um /

Doug
Rare? Medium rare?

Kate
Don’t say well done

Doug
Stake through the heart?

13
Kate
Do NOT say well done

Doug
Slap in the face?

Joni
Sorry?

Lisa
Table for one?

Doug
Table for one?

Joni
Actually I’m waiting / for

Lisa
TABLE FOR ONE OVER HERE

Ray
Are you happy?

Joni
Right this second?

Lisa
Are you? Here for happy hour?

Kate
Because it just ended

Doug
So that’s full price

Joni
Ok I’ll start a tab

Lisa
We’re cash only!

Doug
Can you READ?

Joni
I’ll just order something else

14
Kate
Coffee? Tea? Dessert?

Ray
So you’re saying you’re…hurt?

Lisa
We should get coffee soon!!

Kate
Would you call yourself a frequent drinker?

Ray
Couple beers a week? Couple beers a night?

Doug (tsk tsk)

More than a couple…

Joni
Sometimes?

Lisa
Do you drink alone?

Kate
Drink and cry?

Doug
Cry and drink?

Ray
(Ew)

Kate
What are the last four digits of your social?

Lisa
What’s your date of birth?

Doug
What’s your size?

Joni
My / [?]

Doug
It’s probably a good idea to get a new style

15
Kate
Get a new wardrobe

Lisa
Get a new face

Joni
Excuse me?

Ray
If you need anything, I’m Charlie

Kate
If you need anything, I’m Debra

Lisa
If you don’t I’m Mike

Joni
Um /

Doug
Miss, that seat is for the elderly or disabled

Lisa
Oh my god miss that seat is NOT for you

Doug
Get up!

Lisa
Get UP!

Joni
Didn’t even realize /

Ray
We are delayed due to train traffic ahead of us

Lisa
We apologize for the inconvenience

Doug
Are you going to apologize for your inconvenience?

Kate
(You’re bumming us out)

16
Lisa
Soliciting is prohibited

Kate
(Wallowing is prohibited)

Ray
Your cooperation is requested

Kate
Are you gonna stay like this?

Joni
What?

Kate
To stay or to go? Hello?

Doug
You’re holding up the line

Kate
You’re kind of holding up your life…

Lisa
Deep breath in!

Ray
Here’s a referral for an acupuncturist

Lisa
Here’s a referral for a psychic

Kate
(He’s good)

Doug
(He’s crazy good)

Lisa
What are you a Libra?

Joni
I’m a Cancer

Lisa
Oh my god you are SUCH A CANCER get out of your shell!

17
Ray
In my professional opinion you should put yourself out there

Kate
In my professional opinion you should listen to your heart

Doug
In my professional opinion you should wait

Lisa
You just wait, you’re gonna start appreciating things so much more

Doug
A little kid in a snowsuit laughing will turn your whole day around

Kate
There’ll be a red tree in the park

Ray
Yeah a really vibrant red tree

Lisa
And you’ll notice it!

Ray
Other people won’t but You Will

Kate
And you’ll be thankful for it You’ll be SO full of gratitude for the little things

Doug
You just wait

Joni
I don’t want to wait I want to keep moving

Lisa (a realization!)
You are going to start taking the most amazing photos!

Doug
She really is

Lisa
“Portraits of Heartbreak”

Kate
“Collages of Pain”

18
Joni
That’s not really my /

Ray
People love that shit

Doug
LOVE it

Ray
That vulnerable shit

Kate
It’s time to get raw

Lisa
Get real

Doug
With every shutter release,

Kate
Every flash bulb,

Doug
You’re gonna be mending! That! Wound!

Joni
I don’t know if it works like that

Lisa
GREAT I think we’re all set here!

Doug
See you in six months!

Joni
That’s it?

Ray
Take Care!

Kate
Best!

Lisa
All the best!

19
Joni
That’s seriously it?

Ray
Yours,

Kate
No! Not yours

Doug
Love,

Lisa
No no no not love

Ray
Dash

Kate
There we go

Ray
Dash

Joni
(There better not be a co-pay for this)

Lisa (…)
You look angry

Ray
You look like someone I used to love. Wait nope nevermind That was someone else

Kate
Did we…

Doug
Last New Years…

Ray
Nope. Uh uh. That was someone else

Lisa
You look like you’re concentrating really really hard

She is.

20
Joni
I’m just trying to remember the exact moment

Kate
(He told you)

Ray
(The Thai food)

Doug
(He told you)

Joni
But I think it was before that. I think it was waaay before that.

Lisa
Uh oh

Joni (elsewhere)
I didn’t thank him for buying me that sandwich
I was always not thanking him for buying me sandwiches
We were sitting by this fireplace watching the frost on the street. I could’ve stayed there forever but
I think he was actually antsy I think he wanted to get going.

Doug
This doesn’t look good

Kate
This does NOT look good

Joni
At a certain point he couldn’t handle this. Handle me. “You’re a handful,” he’d say.
I’m a handful he’d—
It was a joke. I thought it was a little joke.
It was our joke. I / thought

Ray
You need to eliminate gluten

Joni
Why?

Lisa
And you need to eliminate dairy

Joni
Why?

21
Kate
And you need to eliminate every email he ever sent you

Joni
Ok

Doug
Or you ever sent him

Joni
Done

Ray
And every photo

Joni
Done and done and
Fuck he’s in so many of my photos

The sound of objects being ripped to shreds. Maybe burned?

That smoldering smell.

Lisa
How often would you say you exercise?

Doug
How often would you say you think about him?

Ray
Every minute?

Kate
Every three seconds?

Doug
Every morning?

Joni
Yeah mornings are the worst

Lisa (sharp)
What was that?

Joni (a half-lie)
I mean never

Lisa
Good job

22
Joni (fake it til you make it)
Never ever ever

Doug
There you go!

Joni (ibid)
Who’s he?

Kate
Exactly

Joni
Who are you talking about?

Ray
Exactly

Joni
Fuck him!

Lisa
Fuck HIM

All (euphoric)
Fuck him!!

Joni
Wait.
Does that also mean fuck me? Fuck the five-years-ago version
Of me

Inhale

Kate
The treatment I recommend is

Ray
Erasure

Lisa
Absolutely

Ray
Erasure

Joni
Got it, I got that, I’m good

23
Kate
But not just erasure

Doug
(What else?)

Lisa
(Yeah, what else?)

Kate
Replacement

Ray
Ohhhh replacement

Doug
The treatment we recommend is

Kate
The treatment we recommend is

Lisa & Doug & Kate & Ray

Replacement

Lisa
Say ahhh!

Joni
Excuse me, can you please bring me the sugar?

A restaurant.
Todd, a waiter, walks by.

Joni
Oh wait I’m sorry not the sugar I mean my knee, can you bring me my knee?

Todd looks at Joni’s knee.

Joni
Not this one. It’s got a hole in it
There’s another one out there—but it’s been attached to someone else for so long I can’t seem to
Find it.

Todd (…?)
Do you want me to check the lost and found

Joni (….)
That’s ok.

24
Todd (autopilot)
My name is Todd and I’m going to be taking care of you today.

Joni
Hi Todd.

Kate
(Replacement!)

Joni (…?)
You’re
Cute Todd

Todd (embarrassed)
Um would you like to hear the specials

Joni (also embarrassed)

Um yes please thanks

Everyone except Joni and Todd evaporates.

Todd
Massaged monkfish topped with pureed bone marrow and a bean paste reduction
Cactus and fig-rubbed goats milk with a hint of duck breast
And croquettes with shaved beer, locally-sourced lemon juice and a Sriracha-infus/ed

Joni
That last one

Todd
You’d like to order the Sriracha-/infused

Joni
Yes

Todd
It’s got a LOT of Sriracha

Joni
Well it’s a good thing I love Sriracha!

Todd
You’re into spicy foods?

Joni
OH yeah!

25
Todd
Coming. Right. Up!

The dish appears.

Joni eats it.

Todd (!?)
What do you think

Joni (struggling)
It’s
So
It’s
Delicious!

Todd
Are you. Ok?

Joni (still struggling)

Yep!

Todd
Are you sweating
Are you
Crying?

Joni
No no

Todd
It looks like you’re crying

Joni
No, nope

Joni is crying.
Joni is really bad at eating spicy food.

Todd (…)
Do you want some / water?

Joni
Water

Water appears.
Joni gulps it down.

26
Todd
Hey, I can’t deal with spice either

Joni
Really?

Todd
I can’t deal with spice or extreme sports

Joni
Me too

Todd
I can’t deal with spice or extreme sports or waiting behind a velvet rope to get into some bar

Joni
Me TOO!

Todd
Can I buy you a drink?

Joni
Can I buy you dinner?

Todd
Can I make you dinner?

Joni
Can I put my head on your chest in the morning?

Todd
Can I call you to vent about work?

Joni
Can you write me letters?

Todd
Can you walk on my back?

Joni
Can we go on vacation together?

Todd
Can we buy a car together?

Joni
Buy a house together?

27
Todd
Get tattoos together?

Joni
Know how to sit silently together?

Todd
Can we have sex three to four times a week?

Joni
Can we fight efficiently?

Todd
Can we apologize maturely?

Joni
Can we build a fort?

Todd
Build a future?

Joni
Are we dating?

Todd
I think so

Joni
Are we married?

Todd
I think so!

Joni
Are we madly in love!

Todd
I think so!!

Joni
Cheers to that!

Todd
What are you drinking??

Joni
Same thing you are!

28
Todd Joni
Whiskey! Whiskey!
Wait wait
Coffee or tea?
… …
Coffee! Coffee!
Wow
City or country
… …
City! City!
Oh my god
Chicken or fish
Depends on the fish! Depends on the fish!
Ocean or desert!
Desert! Ocean!

Joni
Oh

Todd
That’s not what you’re supposed to say

Joni
I was thinking
Water is important

Todd
Yeah that’s not what you’re supposed to say

It is now that we realize this restaurant is “desert-themed.”

Lots of cacti. A poster of a southwestern landscape. That sort of thing.

Todd
Look at this! [gestures at the poster…]
Look at how massive the world feels and how miniscule we feel!

Joni
Isn’t that kind of what everyone says though. About everything in the natural world?

Todd
No way

Joni
I feel like every guy I’ve ever gone hiking with has talked about how insignificant he feels when
we’re standing next to some rocky precipice
And the first few times I thought: This guy. Is Really Sensitive
He Really Examines His Place on Earth. But

29
Todd
……

Joni
I mean not that / you’re

Todd
Thanks. Thanks a lot

Joni
I’m
Can we start over? Todd?

Todd
You never told me your / [name]

Joni
Joni

Todd
JONI like Joni Mitchell?

Joni
Sure, yeah

Todd
I’m obsessed with Joni Mitchell!

Joni (a half-lie)
I’M obsessed with Joni Mitchell!

Todd
That album Blue! GodDAMN that is so sad

Joni
It is!

Todd (starting to feel sad)

It’s so fucking sad

Joni
It really is

Todd
What’s that one song from it the main song

Joni
…Blue?

30
Todd
No not that one. It’s
Ugh it’s on the tip of my tongue

Joni
I don’t really remember the other songs

Todd (….)
I thought you were obsessed with her

Joni (whoops)
Yeah I. I am. It’s just been a while since I listened to that album

Todd (haha!)
You must be a really good singer like Joni Mitchell

Joni (haha!)
No, I’m not

Todd (haha!)
You’re totally lying

Joni (haha!)
I’m really not

Todd (haha!)
You’re such a bad liar!

Joni
I’m really. Not

Todd (haha!)
Do it do it!

Joni
Do what?

Todd (haha!)
Sing for me!

Joni
I’m not a / singer

Todd (haha!)
Sing the song I’m trying to remember

Joni (?)
I don’t know what song that is

31
Todd (haha!)
Or just sing “Blue!”

Joni
Um no. No

Todd (haha!)
Come onnnn! Sing it!

Joni
No!

….
….

Joni
I don’t think this is going to work

Todd
Yeah…

Joni
I thought you could answer my questions but

Todd
What questions?

Joni
How to be with another person
How to be with myself
What I’m doing with my life
What to do with
Life

Todd (….)
That’s kind of a lot to ask

Joni
You said you were going to take care of me

Todd
I did?

Joni
“Hi, I’m Todd I’m going to be taking care of you/”

Todd
That’s just from the employee handbook

32
Joni
Yeah but

Todd
Training day one

Joni
Ok I think I’m gonna switch tables

Todd (…)
I’ll still be your waiter

Joni
Yeah I’m definitely going to switch tables

Todd (…)
I’m the only one on tonight I’m still gonna be your waiter

Joni approaches a table where a couple sits, eating. She joins them.

Joni
Hi! Hey. I’m sorry to. Interrupt. I just. I noticed you both from across the room and.
Usually I can’t stomach PDA, feel like it’s all “look-at-how-in-love-we-are, world” and Blegh! But
You guys seem sweet and comfortable, you both look really
Happy. So I’m just. Wondering. What’s your. Trick? (That sounds) What’s your
How do you do this? How does one do this, what you’re doing right here? How do I

Ray and Lisa look at one another. Then at Joni.

Ray
We bring other people into it.

Joni
Oh.

Lisa
Into the relationship.

Joni
Oh!

Ray
That’s when we’re at our strongest

Ray does something affectionate to Lisa.

Lisa
Really at our prime

33
Lisa does something affectionate back.

…..…..

Joni
Do you guys
want to come over?

Ray and Lisa enter Joni’s apartment.

Ray considers a photograph on Joni’s wall.

Ray
This is
A hell of a painting

Joni
It’s actually a photo

Ray
Do you like this painting Lisa

Joni
It’s actually a photo

Lisa
It’s a photo Ray.

Ray (I don’t see)

Oh I see.
I like when they’re
big

Lisa & Joni

(?)

Ray
I like when photographs are Big
You could walk inside them, if you wanted

Joni
….
I took it.

Lisa
YOU took this photo?

Joni
Yeah. It won a contest.

34
Lisa (!)
You’re an award-winning photographer?

Joni
Technically. I’m more interested in documentary than art photography
But [Noah] People seemed to like this one

Ray
Documentary, ok so,
Getting up close and personal? Down and dirty, peeking at private lives, all that?

Joni
Uh. It’s more like I get attached to tiny forgettable moments
and want to put them in frames

Lisa (not really listening)

Tiny forgettable moments that’s great

Joni
I just do gigs, here and there. For fun. Not as like, a career. Yet.

Ray
Sounds like it’s time to make the leap. You know, throw yourself into the thing

Joni
My um—Someone recently told me that

Lisa
Ray gives great advice

Ray
Guilty!

Joni
But first I’d have to quit my “real” job

Lisa
What’s that?

Joni
I work for a
textbook company

Ray (…?)
Interesting

Joni
Yeah I help write textbooks for middle schoolers. Right now I’m doing sections on Ancient

35
Joni
Egypt and Old Hollywood actresses and
(off Ray and Lisa’s boredom:)
What do you guys do?

Lisa
I’m a former Pilates instructor, current dental hygienist

Joni
Ah ok

Ray
I’m a former cellist, current beekeeper

Joni
Ah gotcha
….
You guys need drinks!

Lisa
That would be just the best I am PARCHED!

Ray
We had a really salty meat and cheese platter

Lisa
Great Italian sausage

Ray
We brought leftovers!

Ray whips out a LOT of fancy cheese and meat.

He picks up an Italian sausage. Places it jokingly on his own dick.

Lisa
Ray that’s

Ray
What Lisa

Lisa
Ray that’s Don’t

Joni
How did you guys
Meet?

36
Lisa
It’s a funny story

Ray
It’s a classic story

Lisa
We actually grew up across the

Ray & Lisa

Country from each other!

Lisa
I was a California girl

Ray
My little California girl

Lisa
Fresno so, no coastline. He was the sailor

Ray
(Sorta)

Lisa
He grew up in

Ray
Gloucester

Lisa
I was always calling it Glow-cester

Ray
(Gloucester)

Lisa
A seaside town

Ray
Even though I liked the cello more than the sea

Lisa
He was gonna play at Carnegie Hall!

Ray
(But I didn’t)

37
Lisa
And I was gonna teach the world

Lisa & Ray

Pilates!

Ray
(She didn’t)

Lisa
We both moved to a teeny tiny town in Ohio

Ray
I started an apiary

Lisa
And I went to dental school

Ray
Lisa had these two dogs at the time

Lisa
These two sick dogs

Ray
They were always vomiting

Lisa
(Chronically vomiting)

Ray
And as it turns out, I was not only good with bees but I was also

Ray & Lisa

Good with dogs!

Ray
I had that magic touch! NO ONE cared for those dogs like I did!

Lisa
So, we got to spending

Lisa & Ray

every
waking
minute
together!

38
Lisa
In a town that small and a place that cold,

Ray
You better find someone to wrap your arms around

Lisa
Fast!

Joni
That’s a
great story. And you guys know it so well!

Ray
We tell it a lot

Lisa
It’s our best one!

Joni (disappointed…)
Oh. That’s [ ]
And you’ve been married for. How long?

Ray
15 years.

Lisa
Is it 15?

Ray
Of course it’s 15. “Is it 15”

Lisa is counting on her hands.

Lisa
14 years

Ray
(15)

Joni (?)
But this is still your best story, from 15 years / of

Lisa
(14)

Joni
Marriage?

39
Lisa (really thinking)
Ummm

Ray (really thinking)

I’d say, yeah

Lisa (conferring with Ray)

Right?

Joni (….)
And when did you start doing
this kind of thing?

Ray & Lisa

One year after our wedding.

Joni (haha…)
But you still
do it just the
two of you, right?

Ray
I would say…

Lisa
Basically never

Joni (even more disappointed)

Got it.

Lisa and Ray consider her.

Lisa
Honey, have you done this before?

Joni
OH um

Ray
Wait wait wait you haven’t done this before?

Joni (a “joke”)
Define “this”

Blank stares.

Joni
I mean obviously! Are you kidding?

40
Lisa (to Ray)
She hasn’t done this before

Ray (to Lisa)

She has NOT done this before

A moment. Are Ray and Lisa going to leave?

Instead:

Ray & Lisa

Awwwww

Lisa (weird baby voice)

Look at how innocent she is!

Ray (weirder baby voice)

Little first-timer over here!

Maybe they pinch her cheeks. For far too long.

To stop them:

Joni
Do you guys have kids?

They pull away.

Ray & Lisa

No.

Joni
Did you ever. Want them?

Ray
Why?

Lisa
Are you judging us because we don’t have kids?

Joni
Absolutely not!

Ray
It kind of seems like you’re judging us

Lisa
I don’t want kids.
[extremely fast/almost manic]
I thought I wanted kids at first but the idea of having this someone something Take Root in My

41
Lisa
Body egh I just shuddered a little and I’ve heard that it’s wet that everything gets wet It just seems
messy like sure ok I formed another human being ohmygod crazy miracle of life but also it’s pretty
selfish like Look He Has Your Eyes He Has Your Chin Look He’s Just a Little Reflection of You
and like hello stretch marks hello back pain hello college tuition hello new identity because it’s like I
made a baby and then I raised a baby I did this one very hard thing so now I can throw in the towel
and it’s not good to prematurely throw in the towel so
Yeah. I don’t want kids.

……

Ray
Anywayyyy
What are we thinking ladies?
Ray in the front, Joni in the middle, Lisa in the back?
Joni in the front, Lisa in the middle, Ray in the back?
Lisa in the front, Ray in the middle, Joni in the back?

Lisa
How about we check with our host.

They look at Joni.

Joni is regretting this decision and this couple’s presence in her home.

Joni
Does anybody want a refill?

Gulp Gulp

Joni
Does anybody want a refill?

Gulp Gulp

Joni
Does anybody want a refill?

Gulp Gulp Gulp

They are all quite drunk at this point.

Lisa
Oh my god Joni you have the skinniest legs

Joni
No I don’t!

Lisa
Look at her legs Ray aren’t they the skinniest

42
Ray
Little chicken legs

Joni
…

Lisa
(He means that in a good way)

Joni
Oh cool

Ray
I love chicken

Ray starts squawking a little. Maybe they all do.

Lisa (Fast-food)
Hi there I’ll take one order of chicken legs please!

Ray (Fast-food)
Side of fries with my chicken legs puh-LEASE!

Ray and Lisa laugh.

Joni tries to join in.

Lisa (a “joke!”)
They are so skinny it’s like they don’t even exist!!!

Ray (a “joke!”)
It’s like YOU don’t even exist!!!

Lisa (a sudden idea)

I bet you can do a split!

Joni
No, I can’t

Ray
I bet you were a little gymnast

Lisa
She was a little gymnast and she was a little ballerina

Ray
You are 1000% correct

43
Joni
I was neither!

Lisa
Go ahead! Show us your split!

Joni
I really can’t!

Lisa
She’s being modest

Ray
Joniiiii don’t be modest

Lisa
Show us your split honey

Joni
If you say so

Joni drunkenly tries doing a split.

She cannot do a split at all.

Joni
Almost? Maybe? Kind of…

Lisa
Keep going!

Ray
You’ve got it!

Joni pulls a muscle.

Joni
Ooh I think / I

Ray
You’ve got it you’ve got it!

Lisa
Almost there!

Joni
I think I might’ve pulled a muscle

44
Lisa
What is she saying Ray?

Ray
You pulled a muscle?

Joni (getting out of her split)

Ow ow ow /

Lisa
Joni The Gymnast pulled a muscle!?!?

Ray (tsk tsk)

Someone wasn’t paying attention during practice!

Joni starts taking off her tights, so she can better access the pulled muscle.

Joni
It feels a little bad right here

Ray and Lisa clock this.

Lisa
Maybe you should change into something more
Comfortable

Joni
Oh! Maybe I
[one tight leg down?] should

Joni does an awkward striptease with her tights.

Unsteadily, with the pulled muscle and all.

Ray
Huh

Lisa
Huh

Joni
What’s wrong

Lisa
Well your tights are off but

Ray
Your dress is still on it just seems so

45
Lisa
strange

Ray
So

Lisa
lopsided

Ray
Huh

Lisa
Huh

Joni
Are you guys gonna
Join me?

Ray
After you

Joni
No please, after you

Lisa
No really, after you

Joni
No really after YOU

An odd moment.

Lisa
[to Ray]
Ray honey, why don’t you work your, you know
[to the group, overly cheery]
I’ve gotta pee
Don’t you dare do ANYthing fun without me, ohKAY?

Lisa exits.
It’s just Ray and Joni now.

Ray
Joni,
You’re super cute

46
Joni
No no

Ray
Don’t “no no”
Look at you

Joni
Thank you but /

Ray
You’re super super cute

Joni (wait a second…)

But isn’t that a little
Second-rate?
“Cute”
You could be talking about a. Cocker spaniel

Ray
You’re really pretty.
Is that better

Joni (this feels good…)

I’m not though

Ray
You are

Joni (wow this still feels good…!)

I’m not

Ray
You are
You are drop dead gorgeous

Joni
I’m /[not]

Ray
Say it

Joni
…What?

Ray
Say you’re drop dead gorgeous

47
Joni (?)
Um

Ray
Say it!

Joni (?)
Why

Ray
I’m validating you

Joni (…?)
Thank. Thank you

Ray
Now validate yourself!

Joni
I don’t think it’s that simple

Ray
Of course it’s that simple

Joni
Is this like, a bit?

Ray
No it’s not a bit!

Joni
Is this like a. Riddle

Ray
No it’s not a riddle, Joni!

Joni
Is this like / a

Ray
Repeat after me: “I am pretty!”

Joni
Uh /

Ray
It’s all about confidence!

48
Joni
Sure, but /

Ray
Self! Love!

Joni
Ok, but /

Ray
Do you know what self-love is?

Joni
Some
Days

Ray
You should know what self-love is every day of the week

Joni
If you say so

Ray
Self-love saved my life!

Joni
Woah, alright /

Ray
Say it! Right now!

Joni
Say / [?]

Ray
Say you’re pretty!

Joni
Um /

Ray
SAY IT!

Joni (…?)
I’m um
I’m pretty

49
Ray
Say it like you mean it!

Joni
How do / I

Ray
SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT

Joni
I’m
Pretty

Ray
I don’t believe you!

Joni
I’m pretty

Ray
Didn’t I just make you feel good?

Joni (hates to admit this but:)

Yes

Ray
So why don’t you make yourSELF feel good

Joni
I’m pretty!

Ray
Still don’t believe you

Joni
I’m pretty!

Ray
Yawnnnn

Joni
I’m pretty!

Ray
This is embarrassing

Joni
I’m pretty I’m pretty I’m pretty I’m pretty I’m pretty I’m pretty I’m pretty I’m pretty I’m pretty

50
Joni
I’m pretty!!

Maybe Joni is a little out of breath.

Maybe she looks around, hoping this made her feel better.
It didn’t.
Joni suddenly feels very sober.

Joni
I don’t think this is a good idea.

Ray (?)
This

Joni
I pictured things very very very differently

Ray
Are you
Backing out of our agreement?

Joni
We had an agreement?

Ray (calling off)

Lisa, she’s backing out of our agreement!

Lisa (o/s)
What!?

Joni
When did we make an agreement?

Lisa enters.

Lisa
If you invite someone into your home there’s OBVIOUSLY an implicit agreement

Ray
This is [pissed off sound]

Lisa
This is just [an even more pissed off sound]

Joni
I’m sorry, you need to leave

Ray and Lisa look at each other.

51
Ray
No.

Joni
Excuse me?

Ray
No.

Lisa
Nope.

Ray
No.

Joni (…???)
You can’t just say / no

Ray
Do you realize that you’re putting our marriage on the line?

Joni
Your / [marriage????]

Lisa
Didn’t really bother to think about anyone but yourself, didja?

Ray
Narcissist

Lisa
Every ACTION has a RE-action!

Ray
There are ALWAYS CONSEQUENCES!

Ray and Lisa have been getting closer and closer to Joni.
They now stand menacingly above her.

Joni
Please don’t
Hurt me. Please.

A moment.
Then: Ray and Lisa erupt into laughter.

Ray
Hurt you!?

52
Lisa
Oh my god HURT you!?

Ray
She just said, “please don’t hurt me”

Lisa
We never wanted to hurt you, Joni!

No more laughing.

Ray & Lisa

We just want to fuck you.

Joni (…)
Ok

Ray
If there was a misunderstanding…

Lisa
If we’ve come on too strong…

Ray
We can always tone it down?

Lisa
Switch it up?

Ray
I guess what we’re saying is: we’re chameleons

Lisa
I guess what we’re saying is: we thought this is what you wanted, too

Ray
Isn’t this what you wanted?

Joni
Well

Lisa
Isn’t being wanted what you wanted?

Joni
Well.
Yes.

53
Lisa (weirdly motherly)
Joni, why don’t you sit on my lap and tell me what you want for Christmas

Ray
There she is!

And in a strange way, Lisa sounds comforting.

Joni sits on Lisa’s lap.
(But it doesn’t feel great on her pulled muscle.)

Joni (trying to sit on her lap)

(Ow ow ow)

Lisa
What do you want for Christmas Joni?

Throughout the following, everyone gets in their underwear. It’s like some Santa strip tease thing. (Just go with it…)
Joni says a thing she wants, an item of clothing is shed. Etc.
It’s weird.
Joni’s leg hurts.

Joni
I would really like some new
Pants

Lisa
Yeah? Would you?

Joni
And some new (ow) books

Lisa
Yeah? What kind of books?

Joni
Maybe a series
Something (ow) I could get swallowed up in

Ray
Swallowed up huh

Joni
It would be nice to have a new
Blender /

Lisa
What about this

54
Lisa gets the show on the road.

Joni
Oh Oh my god
Are we / really

Ray
Just let it happen Joni

Lisa
Relaaaaax

They are all having sex at this point.

Except
Well
What we see is:
Ray and Lisa having sex.
Pretty loudly
Pretty passionately
(But highly stylized)
Joni steps out from in between them. She’s still in the threesome but her mind is elsewhere.
She begins doing a series of mundane tasks, in her underwear, while the threesome ensues.
Maybe she clips her toenails, sweeps, folds laundry.

Lisa
Oh yeah

Ray
Oh YEAHH

Joni (fake)
Oh yeah yeah yeah

Ray
I am
The luckiest
Man
In America

Lisa
Feels SO GOOD!

Ray
And you two
You two tie
For luckiest woman in America

55
Joni
I’m.
I’m ok with a tie

Ray
Joni baby, tell us some facts! Some textbook facts!!

Joni
What

Lisa
Yes YES honey from your TEXTBOOK!

Ray and Lisa pant/thrust etc. throughout the following.

Joni (?)
Ummm ok
In Ancient Egyptian love poetry a virgin is referred to as an “unplowed field”

Ray
Get out that plow! Get it out. Get out that plow!

Joni
The Egyptians invented a form of birth control made out of crocodile. Dung

Lisa
Ew Joni ew

Ray
Yyyyyyyuck

Joni
Sorry um sorry
Marilyn Monroe’s favorite artist was Goya

Ray & Lisa (a kind of chant/nonsensical)

Goya goya goya goya

Joni
Katharine Hepburn’s mother hated all her movies because she thought they were “silly”!

Lisa
Silly little Katharine

Ray
So silly so silly

56
Joni
Greta / Garbo

Lisa
JONI CAN YOU BRING ME MY DECK OF CARDS??

Joni (?)
Your ...

Lisa
REACH INTO MY BAG AND BRING ME MY DECK OF CARDS!!

Ray
(It’s this thing she does when she’s close)
Are you close Lisa??

Lisa
YES

Ray
Me
Too!

Joni is not close. Joni is nowhere near.


She finds the deck of cards and hands them to Lisa. Lisa sniffs them.

Lisa (blissed out)


Can I just say that I LOVE the smell of a fresh deck of cards

Ray
Tell me why baby Tell me why

Lisa
It smells [sniff] exactly [sniff] like [sniff] the lake cabin I would go to when I was a kid!

Ray
YEAH it does

Lisa
[sniff] with the dusty basement with the dartboard
[sniff] and dirt on our kneecaps
[sniff] and wooden canoes!

Ray
Do you like canoes Joni?

57
Joni (….?)
I[ ]
Sure

Lisa
And it smells like me in high school!

Ray
She was a knockout in high school!

Lisa
When I ran track Ran the bake sale Ran for student government!

Ray
Did you hear me Joni? She was a knockout! Back in the day!

Joni
That’s
That’s great

Lisa (rapid and ecstatic and maybe out of time)

And I WON!
Did you guys know THAT I WON??
I was CLASS PRESIDENT three years in a row!
I made CAMPAIGN PROMISES that I DELIVERED ON
Longer lunch periods! And the senior carnival! With a DUNK TANK!
I was efficient and I was smart and I was ADORED
I would open up my locker and hundreds of notes would fall out! Written in gel pens!
On my birthday there were SIGNS. EVERYWHERE
People had pasted pictures of my FACE onto magazine covers!
As a FUN SURPRISE!
I scored goals in field hockey!
And I aced AP HISTORY!
And I

Ray & Lisa

AHHHHH

Ray and Lisa finish. Joni definitely does not.

Joni steps out of the threesome and into her kitchen.
Kate is there.
Ray and Lisa have vanished.

Kate
We missed you at Nina’s birthday

Joni (a realization)
Shit

58
Kate
We missed you at the potluck

Joni
I’m /

Kate
At the barbecue
At the bar night

Joni
I’m really sorry, Kate

Kate
At the baby shower

Joni (??)

Who’s having a baby

Kate
Who isn’t having a baby

Joni (...are you?)

Wait

Kate
No

Joni
Phew

Kate
Are you ok?

Joni
I’m 

Not really sure how to answer that

Kate
I mean, you’re limping
Are you ok?

Joni
I’m not limping

Joni is limping.

59
Kate
(?)

Joni
Maybe a little

Kate
What happened?

Joni
I. Pulled a muscle

Kate
How?

Joni
I was. Trying to do a split

Kate
Just. Felt like it?

Joni
I’ve never been able to

Kate (...)

So, “Why not today?”

Joni
Exactly. Why not today.

Kate
Ohhhhhhh you’re doing one of those happiness challenge things. That’s good.

Joni (....)

I don’t know what that is

Kate
Do something that scares you every morning and then write a blog post about gratitude

Joni (??)
God no.

Kate
It’s good to start a blog
It’s good to indulge
Buy fancy pajamas
Fancy donuts

60
Kate
Fancy groceries

This is great cheese by the way, is this Brie?

Kate eats Ray and Lisa’s meat and cheese leftovers.

Joni
No I think it’s Chevre?

Kate
I never know how to pronounce that word

Joni
Don’t eat that

Kate is about to eat the Italian sausage that Ray played with earlier.

Kate
This sausage?

Joni
Yeah don’t Don’t eat that

Kate
Why it looks amazing

Joni
I don’t know where it’s been

Kate (?)
What

Joni
I mean it wasn’t actually good. When I tried it earlier. It was kind of disappointing.

Kate (...?)
Oh. Ok.

Joni (....)
Yeah

Kate
Do you want to get mojitos?
Brownie sundaes?

Bahn-mi?

Pad-Thai?

61
Joni
No definitely not Pad Thai

Kate
Oooh do you want to try kickboxing?

Tap dancing?

Paint your own pottery?

Do you want to sing Fiona Apple songs at live band karaoke?

Joni
Can I just

ask you a question, Kate

Kate
What’s up

Joni
Who was I before Noah?

Kate
What do you mean

Joni
Who was I in. High school?

Kate
I met you when you were 19

Joni
But we must have talked about this

Kate
Didn’t you have that boyfriend

Joni (?)

What boyfriend

Kate
Didn’t you have that high school sweetheart or whatever? Nicky? Micky? Ricky?

Joni
Who?

Kate
I thought you had a serious high school boyfriend. Prom date, carried your books, all that
I thought you were one of those people

62
Joni
What people

Kate
One of those people who always had a /

Joni
No. I wasn’t. I mean not until

Kate
Not until you met Dan

And then you met Enrico

And then you met Malcolm

And then we moved here and you met [Noah]

Joni
What about before that
Way way way before that

Kate
I don’t know Joni, you tell me

Joni
I think I loved school. Yeah. Like really cared about it. Raised my hand a lot. Did the musical.

Kate
Which one

Joni (remembering...)

Annie. I wore these bright blue overalls. Pigtails.
I would always laugh uncontrollably during the curtain calls

Kate
What was so funny

Joni
Nothing I think I was just happy.
But maybe I’m only remembering the photos.
I’m starting to think that photos don’t preserve memories, they like
Paper over them

Kate
Sometimes that’s not such a bad thing

Joni
Ok what about college. I mean early college. Pre-Dan, Pre-/

63
Kate
You’re not a hundred years old, you still remember college

Joni
But I feel like the details are slipping
What did we cook ourselves for dinner
What music did we listen to

What was our best Halloween costume

Kate
Castaway, obviously

Joni (remembering!)
Tom Hanks and Wilson! Did you wear a fake beard?

Kate
I definitely wore a fake beard

Joni
Was that the same year we threw a party instead of studying for our Genetics final?

Kate
And someone brought a bottle of wine but we didn’t have an opener so / I

Joni
You opened it with a knife! Yes!

Kate
That was also the year we discovered Flash Taco

Joni
Oh my god Flash Taco!

Kate
And the place with the milkshakes and the bartenders who didn’t care that we were underage

Joni
Oh yeah! Tree something? No

Kate
Fire-something

Joni
Heart-? I forget

Kate
Heart/land!

64
Joni
Heartland!

They both picture Heartland, for a moment.

Joni
Do you think things were better

Kate
No the food was pretty mediocre

Joni
I mean do you think things were better when all we loved was a milkshake

Kate (yes)
No

Joni
You’re right

Kate (yes)
No

Joni
You’re right

Kate
We were dumb

Joni
We were ecstatic about everything but

Kate
We were dumb

Joni (...)
Yeah

Kate (...)
Yeah

Kate looks at the photograph on Joni’s wall.

Kate (re: the photo)

This won that contest, right?

Joni
Yep.

65
Kate
It’s really good.

Joni
Thanks.

It wasn’t my idea to display it like this or anything

Kate
It would be ok if it was

Joni
He hung it up for me

“He.” I mean, Noah. I can say his name out loud (Jesus)
He framed it too

Big surprise when I got home

Kate
Woah. That’s
Thoughtful

Joni
Yeah. Yeah?

Kate
I mean

Joni
Big surprise for his “Little Photographer”

Kate
...excuse me?

Joni
Did I ever tell you Noah used to call me that

Kate (..!?)

Little Photographer

Joni
It was like a pet name. It was like a sweet, supportive name I used to think
HOW could I have thought that

Kate
That is offensive. I am offended

Joni
“This is the one,” he’d say. “This is you making your mark on the art world.”

66
Joni
And then. I didn’t

Kate
You didn’t what

Joni
Make my mark on the art world

Kate
That’s a really hard thing to just “do”

Joni
But “isn’t everything hard worth pursuing?”

Kate (psh)

What life guru said that?

Joni
So many people told me that I’d shoot rolls and rolls of photos after the [breakup] you know, after
That I’d get this like, surge of inspiration

But I haven’t. Actually. I haven’t. And it sucks.

And I think it’s because it feels like.
[re: her photography] This feels like
His

It feels like This belongs

To
Him

Kate
It doesn’t

They stare at the photo.


Then Joni takes it off the wall.
And smashes it.

Kate
Woah.

They look at each other.


Then they both smash it. Kick it. Jump on top of it. Throw chairs at it.
Glass breaks.

Joni
What a Talented Little Photographer!

67
Smash

Kate
You’re Such a Special Little Photographer!

Smash

Joni
You’re Really Gonna Make Something of Yourself!

Smash

Kate
You Are Getting So Good at Your Little Career!

Smash

Joni
And someday!

Smash

Kate
You will be!

Smash

Joni
As amazing!

Smash

Kate
And important!

Smash

Joni & Kate

As I am!

Smash

Smash

Smash

The photo is destroyed.

Joni and Kate look down at it, surrounded by broken glass, shards of the frame.
They breathe heavy.
And then they crack up. Deep belly-laughs. That old-friend private-joke kind of laughter. It’s nice.

68
Joni
I think I’m ready

Kate
Yeah you are!

Joni
Fiona Apple, paint your own pottery, whatever
Let’s do it

Kate
…
Oh. Oh shit.

Did you mean right now? You want to do those things right now?

Joni
Are you
Busy?

Kate
Well /

Doug appears, ravenously eating the meat and cheese leftovers.

Doug (mouth full)


This is

Wow

This is. Amazing cheese.
[chomp chomp chomp]
This is. SO good

It’s like tangy? But also stinky? In the best way?
What kind of cheese is this?

Kate
Joni. This is. Doug

Joni (?)
Doug

Kate (...)
Doug

Doug (mouth full)

Doug!

Joni (ohhh)
Doug

69
Doug
It’s so great to meet you!

Joni (?)

Yeah! You. You too

Doug might step on the broken glass or broken frame as he goes to shake Joni’s hand.
The broken glass and broken frame are never acknowledged.

Kate
Doug’s in LA all the time

Doug
Work’s been NUTS lately

Kate
But he’s here this weekend

Doug (woo!)
Heyyyyy

Kate
so when you asked me to come over I figured,

Joni
“Why not today”

Doug
Why not today!

Kate
Why not. Today.

Joni
What’s in LA?

Doug
For starters: everything!

Joni (…)
Aha

Doug
Ha!

Joni
….

70
Doug
I just landed a TV gig. About to launch this killer new show

Kate
It’s a game show

Doug
But a contestant recently dropped out

Kate
(Logistical nightmare)

Doug
Like I said, NUTS

Joni
What’s the show?

Short glance between Kate and Doug.

Doug
Kate doesn’t like the title

Kate
I don’t not like it, it’s just

Doug
We need to be direct, concise

Kate
It’s a little on the nose

Doug
Build your brand, you know

Kate
It’s fine

Joni
So what is it?

Kate & Doug (inhale)

“The Perfect Woman”

Joni
Oh
Kay.
So is it like a pageant / or

71
Kate
No!

Doug
No no no no no no no no no
Completely, comPLETEly different. Way WAY more empowering.
Like our goal is empowerment

Joni (to Kate)

Have you seen it?

Kate
Not yet

Doug
Top-secret

Kate
But it sounds. Feminist. Seriously

Doug
Extremely feminist

Joni
Nice.

Doug
EXTREMELY

Joni
Awesome.

Doug
So Kate tells me you have this like really kooky job. Right?

Joni (?)
Kooky

Doug
Kate tells me your money-making gig is like super niche

Joni
I write textbooks

Doug
Oh

72
Joni
Yeah I help write textbooks

Doug
Babe I think you’re using the word niche wrong

Kate
Ha

Doug
Ha ha. Well.

Joni
…Yeah.

Doug
It’s funny how in certain cities you always have to ask someone what they do and then what they
REALLY do
Like, you’re serving me my eggs benedict but what do you REALLY do?

Kate
And they’re like: I’m a clown

Doug
I’m a sculptor

Kate
I’m writing a graphic novel

Joni
Or he’s just a waiter

Doug (…)
Right

Joni
I met this waiter earlier and he just really enjoys working with. Food

Kate
Cool

A long long long pause

Kate (an outburst)

We’re engaged.

Joni (?)
….One more time

73
Doug
We Are Engaged!

Joni
Oh my that’s
Wow. Congrats!

Doug
Thank you!

Kate
Thanks

Joni
I’m sorry, how long have you guys been dating?

Doug
About a year

Joni
I’m sorry, how long have you guys been dating?

Doug (aha!)
Is there an echo?

Kate (you heard him)

About a year. Joni.

Joni
When’s the. Wedding

Doug
Haven’t picked a date yet!

Kate
What do you really want to ask

Joni
When’s the wedding. Honestly.

Kate
Just ask it, come on

….

Joni
Why so
Soon

74
Doug
Because we know

Kate
Because we’re sure

Doug
Because this is forever

Joni
Ok. Yeah. Yeah.
But what exactly does that mean
“Forever”

Doug
Like the Webster definition or…

Joni
We thought college would last forever

Kate (psh)
I did not think college would last forever

Joni
This city won’t even last forever

Doug
But that’s not for a billion years

Joni
Who knows
We could be underwater next week

Doug (PSH)
Yeah, sure

Kate
Joni what are / you

Joni
So
Aren’t you worried
That your feelings
could change
Tomorrow

Doug (…)
Buzz kill

75
Kate
Can you just try to be happy for me

Joni
I feel like I don’t know anything about your life.

Kate (….)
Well you kind of stopped asking

Joni
What?

Kate
You kind of dropped off the planet

Joni
I know, I’m sorry
I’ve been in a weird. Place. Lately

Kate
No I mean five years ago, when you started dating Noah
You kind of dropped off the planet

Joni
Oh.

Doug pops a bottle.

Doug
It’s champagne time!

Joni
Wow he thinks of everything

Kate
He does

Joni (trying)
He’s a keeper!

Doug
And so is she

Doug kisses Kate on the head. It’s actually kind of nice.

Kate and Joni look at one another.

Joni
Let me get glasses

76
Joni limps to the kitchen.

Doug
Yikes. What happened to your leg?

Kate
She pulled a muscle while she was doing a split

Doug
Are you a gymnast?

Joni
NO
Sorry. No.

Kate (an idea!)

Doug actually has a certificate in massage therapy

Doug
They’re like a dime a dozen in Cali

Joni (…)
“They,” meaning

Kate
He did one of those four-hour programs

Joni (…)
Four hours

Doug
I should take a look at that muscle, see if / I can

Joni
No it’s really ok

Doug
I don’t mind, no charge

Joni (?)
Yeah I / figured

Doug
Totally free, family deal

Kate
You should let him give it a try

77
Doug
I’m a professional. Swear

Kate
Seriously Joni

Joni
I don’t / know

Doug
What’s the worst that could happen?

Joni (…)
Well

Kate
You look like you’re in pain.

Doug
You really do

Joni
Ok. Whatever. Ok.

Joni sits. Repositions herself so that she can show Doug the muscle.
He approaches her.

Doug
Where’s the tightness?

Joni
It’s right. Right here

Joni points to a place on her upper thigh. Doug examines it.

Joni is embarrassed. Doug is not.

Doug
Ahh. Yep. Looks like there’s a tendon pull in the abductor mayor

Joni
Yeah. In the [?]
It hurts

Doug
So what I’m about to do is a combination of bio-magnetic touch healing, the Christopher Method,
and Gua Sha, ok?

78
Joni (?)
Um

Kate
It’ll feel good, Joni

Joni (...)

If you say so

Doug massages her thigh.

Doug
I’m activating your pressure points and realigning your energy fields, ok?
And then I’m just dip dip dipping into those toxins. That’s where the tightness is hangin’ out.
So with every little dip we’re gonna say bye bye toxins, hello circulation. You got it?

Joni
Uh huh

Doug keeps going.

Doug
Does this hurt

Joni
No. Not at all

Doug
Just tell me whenever there’s discomfort

Joni
It actually feels kind of amazing

Kate
You guys!

Joni
This is
really working!

Doug
Toldja!

Joni
I get why you’re certified!

79
Kate
Guys this makes me really happy.

Doug
Just doin’ my job!

Joni
This is feeling so much better!

Doug
I’m a professional!

Joni
He’s literally massaging the pain out Is that possible

Doug
Anything is possible!

Doug keeps massaging Joni’s thigh.

Kate
Look at you two!

Doug
Now wait a sec wait a sec
Here’s the moment of truth

Doug removes his hand from Joni’s thigh.

Doug
Well?

Kate
How does it feel?

Doug
Tell us

Joni moves her leg around a little.

Joni
It feels
….
Great!

Kate
She said it feels great!

80
Doug
Yes she did!

Joni
He is really talented Kate!

Kate
I know!

All of the following is said pretty much in tandem.

Joni
You said “certificate” but I didn’t really / know (etc.)

Doug
You probably were thinking like what? Who is this / guy (etc.)

Kate
Yeah who is this guy is this like a hobby? / or (etc.)

Joni
But it was bumming me out so I was like why not / try it (etc.)

Doug
Why not! / Go for it (etc.)

Joni
And then / it totally worked

Doug
That’s awesome

Joni
Awesome

Kate
Awesome

Joni
Awesome

They’re all kind of blissed out.

But then
Joni puts her hand on Doug’s thigh.

Doug
Uh

81
Kate (…?)
Joni

Doug stares at Joni’s hand on his thigh.

Kate stares at Joni’s hand on Doug’s thigh.
Joni looks at them both.

Joni
Kate. Doug.

Kate & Doug (……)

Yes

Joni
Do you guys
Want to have
A threesome?

Doug
…..

Kate
…..

Doug (???)
We’re engaged.

Doug removes Joni’s hand from his thigh.

Kate (??)
Is
this what you’re
Into. Now?

Joni
No.
I mean yes.
I mean maybe.

Kate (?)
You were always the one who hated this idea
“I don’t understand why people do this,” you thought it sounded awful

Joni
When

Kate (?)
I don’t know. When we watched Y Tú Mamá También sophomore year

82
Joni
That was a decade ago

Kate
When Nora started dating couples

Joni
That was judgmental of me

Kate (….)
Ok, sure

Joni
I just thought
Do you guys ever feel like you’re going to
crack open, while you’re having sex with someone?
Do you guys ever find yourselves picturing the worst-case scenario. Like
Back breaking Dick breaking HPV Torn muscle tissue Ovarian cyst Some kind of Ovarian
complication A baby A baby

Kate (to Doug)

I don’t know what she’s / saying

Joni
Sometimes all I can feel is a poking poking and I can’t stop thinking about where exactly the poking
is going and whether it’ll poke so hard that it’ll poke
through
something
Accidentally
Like there are. Holes. Everywhere.
And I don’t think I’m supposed to feel that way I don’t think it’s supposed to work like that but it
occurred to me I realized just now that maybe I wouldn’t feel that way with you both
Since I’ve known you for so long, Kate, since you knew me before I was—before
You guys seem secure and functional in a way I don’t entirely understand and so maybe if we,
you know maybe if I was a part of that I would learn it I would “get it” I would
Maybe if we
Then
Um

Joni trails off.

No one says anything for a little while.

Kate (…)
We should probably head out

Doug
Yeah we’ve got a reservation at this place / downtown

83
Joni (trying to salvage)
Why don’t I put on some music?

Kate
…Music?

Joni
I’ll put on some music
And we can all dance? Maybe?
And I’ll stop being weird and start being fun. I promise!

Joni messes around with her speakers.

Joni
Any requests?
Guys?
Requests?

Doug (a lie)
We’ve been keeping this reservation for
months

Kate (a lie)
That’s right for months

Joni (an idea)

Doug, did you ever do musicals, when you were younger?

Doug (…?)
Uhh yeah

Joni
Me too! I was in Annie

Doug
So was I. I played Rooster

Joni
Oh man, what are the chances!

Kate (…)
It’s kind of a popular play

Joni
Do you remember…
this song?

Joni starts playing a nostalgic song.

84
If possible, it should sound something like “You’re Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile,” from Annie.

Doug
Uh yep.
I do, yep

Joni starts dancing to the song.

Joni
I was in the front because I was so short, and I can’t really sing but I was a pretty good dancer
I wish I could remember how it—

Joni keeps dancing.

Joni
I was wearing these blue overalls, and I was always so nervous right before I went on
But then I’d just channel something and go out there and /

Joni keeps dancing.

Doug and Kate watch her, not knowing what to make of it all.
It’s strange at first.
She dances awkwardly, unsure of her body and herself, trying too hard to remember steps from decades past.
But then, she starts to forget Doug and Kate are there.
She dances her face off.
It is clearly a release.
She is kind of spectacular.
The song ends.
A moment
And then:

Kate
Ok,
We’re gonna /

Joni
Is that how it feels, when you’re on TV?

Doug
Something like that, sure

Joni
You said that a contestant dropped out of your show, right?
You said that one of the contestants dropped out?

Doug
Yeah it sucks

85
Joni
Sounds like it sucks!

Doug (…)
Uh huh

Joni
Last-minute bailing, that is stressful!

Kate (?)
Super stressful.

Joni
So how does one
Get involved. In a show like that

Doug
You’ve gotta have an in with the producer

Joni
And that is…

Doug
Me

Joni
Right

Doug
That’s me

Kate
(He’s the producer)

Doug
The producer is me!

Doug looks at Joni. Looks at Kate. Looks at Joni.

And then, Todd and Ray appear, sitting at a bar.

Ray
We broke up because she wanted me to fix her and I couldn’t

Todd
She wanted me to prioritize her problems and I just couldn’t

86
Ray
Actually I think it was because I stopped wanting to touch her in public, not even her elbow

Todd
I think it was because I got bored

Ray
It was mutual

Todd
Yeah it was mutual

Ray
Was it?

Todd
I don’t know, was it?

Ray
We kept fighting and then apologizing grandly

Todd
And I guess I was sick of doing grand gestures

Ray
I guess I just woke up one morning and I didn’t want her in the crook of my arm

Todd
(She was crazy)

Ray
(She was batshit)

Todd
(She was out of her mind I’m serious)

Ray
I did it inside a fancy brunch restaurant

Todd
I did it inside a fancy bathroom

Ray
I did it because I wanted to wait for—

Todd
I wanted to find—

87
Ray
I knew that somewhere out there I’d find

Ray & Todd & Crowd

The! Perfect! Woman!

Winking lights. Muzak.

The Perfect Woman!© game show. (And also kind of a nightmare.)
Maybe a fake beach backdrop. Fake Palm trees. Cardboard Cupid statues.
Doug is the Host.

Doug
Wow! Let’s give a hand to our generous audience members for sharing their stories!

Applause! Applause!

Doug
That’s what we love here on The Perfect Woman!© Honesty!
Gentlemen, keep that confessional spirit open because it’s timeeee for
[with the crowd]
Ask! The! Men! Anything!

Applause! Cheers!

Doug
You two! You two right there, tell me:
What kind of beauty does YOUR perfect woman have? Let me just repeat that:
What kind of beauty. Does your. Perfect woman. Have?

Todd
Great question, Host. Great. Question.

He considers, for a moment.

Todd
She has natural beauty.

Doug
Ahhh

Todd
She has the kind of beauty where she nudges me in the morning, you know, lightly, and I stretch, I
reach for my glasses, and when I put them on and I look at her, all I see is: a sheen

Doug
You want her to shine

88
Todd
But not because she has oily skin but because she has PEARLY skin
I want her to wake up with a glisten that she doesn’t put on with Maybelline Mary Jane whatever
She should just splash some water on her face, Chapstick maybe?
All I want her to do is be is exactly who she is.

Doug
You’re a genuine guy

Todd
It’s the way I was raised.

Applause, or something.
What A Great Guy.

Doug
And what about you, sir? What kind of beauty does YOUR perfect woman have?

Ray
Well.
I’d say. Um. I’d say
Her hair smells like rain
Her nose tastes like a car alarm
Her ears are shaped like a breakfast buffet
Her mouth reminds me of the first time I got high
And her eyelids sound like a hundred people laughing at my jokes
I guess what I mean is: when I look at her I want to recite pi, like, inexplicably, all the way through.
When I look at her I want to understand my purpose in life, access the talents I hadn’t noticed in
myself before
And
I think that’s it.

Applause.

Doug
Were you listening, ladies? That is all it takes!
Now let’s start this thing! Introducing our threeeee lovelyyyy contestants!

More muzak.
Three contestants appear beneath an electric The Perfect Woman!© sign: Joni, Lisa, and Kate.

Doug
Who is The Perfect Woman© you ask? Well why don’t we let our contestants tell you a little about
themselves and we’ll! Find! Out!
Remember audience, buzz your buzzers whenever you hear something you don’t like!
Larry, get that timer ready! Andddd we’re off

A timer tics.

89
The following should move fast.

Lisa
I can put my feet behind my head

Kate
I’ve gone bungee jumping twice

Joni
I’m a photographer (on the side)

Kate
I’m a neuroscientist (on the side)

Lisa
I’m a magician (on the side)

Buzzer sound

Lisa
I mean I’m a model on the / side

Kate
I’m an actress slash model on the side

Joni
My main gig is textbooks

Buzzer

Lisa
My main gig is pleasing you

Kate
Yeah my main gig is pleasing you

Lisa
(She’s copying me)

Kate
I’m really good at cooking

Lisa
I run marathons

Kate
Roasted artichoke crostinis, chicken sausage / tacos

90
Lisa
I run my own company

Joni
I make a pretty delicious stir-fry

Kate
Beer-braised pork sliders

Joni
(And that’s about it)

Kate
I always cook in an apron

Buzzer

Kate
But it’s a hip apron and I wear it totally naked

Lisa
I’m really comfortable with my body!!!!

Kate
I know all the words to all the songs by all the cool bands

Joni
I know who my senators are!

Buzzer

Kate
I LOVE giving you your Guy Time

Lisa
People always tell me I’m Just One of the Guys

Kate
Just a Bundle of Joy!

Joni
Just hanging by a thread

Buzzer

Kate
I’m really low-maintenance

91
Lisa
I’m very chill

Kate
I’m soooooooooo chill

Joni
I can be chill, sometimes

Lisa
I’m always the prettiest one in the room

The women look at one another.

Kate
I know how to surf

Lisa
I know how to code

Kate
I am so! Positive! Always!

Lisa
I stop and smell the roses

Joni
I stop and smell the coffee. And then drink a lot of it

Lisa
I tell amazing stories at / parties

Kate
I tell amazing jokes at / parties

Lisa
I AM SO GREAT PLEASE LOVE ME

Buzzer

Kate
I will make all your dreams come true

Lisa
I will make all your sexual fantasies come true

Kate
I’m juggling a lot and everyone always goes Oh My God You Are Juggling A Lot! And I go What?

92
Kate
What Do You Mean?

Lisa
I guess I’d say I have my shit together

Joni
I guess I’d say I try to look like I have my shit together even when I don’t have my shit together

Lisa
(well do you or don’t you?)

Joni
It
Fluctuates

Buzzer

Doug
And that’s time!

The women are a little out of breath.

Doug (overly solemn)

Contestant #3, I’m sorry to have to tell you this but: the audience has spoken.
You have received the most buzzer sounds and are at risk of Todd pulling that lever over there…

Gasps!

Joni
So what happens now?

Doug (immediate enthusiasm)

You get a lightning-fast confidence boosting session with our resident empowerment guru, Ray!

Ray enters.
The crowd cheers.

Ray
Jumping jacks!

Joni
What?

Ray
Jumping jacks! Go!

Joni does jumping jacks.

93
Ray
Now tell us you’re pretty!

Joni
Again?

Ray
Come on it’s all about self-promotion!

Doug
Believe it and you’ll be it!

Joni (….)
I don’t think that’s true

Ray
Tell us you’re the life-of-the-party

Todd
Tell us you’re ambitious but not over-ambitious

Doug
Tell us you’re not-emotional

Todd
Tell us you’re not-needy

Doug
Tell us you’re not-sad

Ray
Tell me how you want it!

Joni (?)
I’ll pass

Todd
You need to know how you want it

Ray
Otherwise I’m just gonna like do whatever I want to you

Doug
Because I like gave you the chance to tell me what you wanted

Todd
I like gave you the opportunity and you didn’t uh

94
Ray
You didn’t say anything

Doug
Strike while the, you know

Ray
Lunges! Go!

Joni does lunges.

Ray
Do you want kids?

Joni
I think so

Doug (!!)
You THINK so

Todd
Do you not like kids?!

Joni
No I do like kids. But who knows, right?

Ray
Who knows what

Joni
What will happen in the next 3, 4 years

Kate
(You should probably know)

Doug
I want kids

Todd
I definitely want kids

Ray
I wanna put a 6-year-old on my shoulders

Joni
That’s it?

95
Ray
What?

Doug
You’re mumbling again

Todd
What did you say your name was again

Joni (?)
Jon/i

Ray
Butt kicks!

Joni does butt kicks.

Ray
You need to ask me questions

Doug
You need to be able to make me laugh

Todd
You need a non-obnoxious laugh

Ray
You need like a rhapsodic laugh is I guess what I’m saying

Joni
Can’t promise that, sorry

Doug
You’re gonna have to keep up

Ray
Keep UP

Lisa
You’re really gonna have to keep up if you want him to buy you a drink

Kate
If you want him to give a shit

Doug
Where’s that magic I thought I saw in her before?

96
Todd
I think it faded!

Ray
I think your allure

Doug
Faded?

Joni (out of breath)

No it didn’t

Ray
Right, left, jab! Right, left, jab!

Joni punches the air. Right left jab. Right left jab.

Todd
I don’t think I’m interested in this anymore

Doug
It’s just that I don’t really want any messiness

Ray
I don’t want YOUR messiness

Todd
In the beginning you weren’t…

Doug
Like this!

Todd
I want tidiness

Doug
And by tidiness I mean

Todd
Ease

Ray
I want you to help me live a life of ease, and then leave me alone

Doug
Yeah I want you to know when to leave me alone

97
Ray
I want you to know when to leave me the fuck alone

Todd
And then when I call to you, you’ll come

Ray
Ok?

Doug
Ok?

Todd
Ok?

Ray
Ok?

Doug
Ok?

Todd
Ok?

Ray
Ok?

Doug
Ok?

Todd
Ok?

Ray
Ok?

Joni stops punching.

An inhale.
Everyone looks at her.
She looks back.

Joni
Is this the part where I thank the generous sponsors?
Is this the part where I say, “this show changed my life”?
That You changed my life?
That I need you and I will never not need you?
That if I please him, then I’m pleasing? If he values me, then I’m valued?
Is this the part where I say, how he sees me makes me so?

98
Joni
And how he sees me and how he sees me and how he sees me and how he sees me and how he sees
me and how he sees me and how he sees me and how he sees me and how he sees me and how
I would really like to
Stop
Talking
I would really like to
Stop

She does. Perhaps for the first moment in the entire play.
Brief beat and then
Winking lights. Muzak. Thunderous applause.

Doug
Contestant #3, you passed the lightning round! You are officially empowered!

Joni is confused. But also a little pumped?

The crowd cheers. “Congrats!” “Wooo!” “Great job!” Etc.

Doug
And this means that you are SO much closer to becominggggg
[the crowd joins in]
The! Perfect! Womannnnnnn!

And then, Noah walks in.

Shit.
That restaurant again.
The crowd evaporates throughout the following.

Noah
I have a foot infection.

Joni (?)
Excuse me

Noah
From my floor.
You should. Probably get your feet checked out

Joni
I wore shoes when I was there

Noah
Did you always though?

Joni (?)

Most of the time

99
Noah
Well

Joni
That’s disgusting

Noah
Just thought I would do you the courtesy of telling you. In person

Joni (ugh)

How. Generous.

Noah
And also I figured I’d. You know. Check in. Say hey.

Joni
Hey?

Noah
Hey.

Joni (...)
Hey

Noah
Hey.

Joni
...Noah what is the point / of

Noah (the real reason I’m here)

Were you on TV?

Joni
Um. Yeah. Yeah. I was. I’ve been doing. A lot of different things.
Throwing parties with
fancy meat and cheese platters
Dancing
With
[??] friends
Meeting all sorts of new people

Noah (skeptical? Slightly jealous…?)

Like who

Joni
A waiter

100
Joni
A beekeeper

Noah
What?

Joni
I’ve been super busy
Joni Around the World

Noah
I’ve actually literally been around the world

Joni (you’re a dick)

Cool

Noah
Just got back from Berlin

Joni (eye roll)

Gee

Noah
Sold out shows in Sydney

Joni (eye roll)

Wow

Noah
Huuuuuge crowd in Taiwan

Joni (I don’t care)

Amazing

Noah
Anyway

It would be kind of remiss of me not to acknowledge like the huge elephant in the room

Joni
(?)

Noah (hello?)

You, the game show

Joni (...)

You already acknowledged it

101
Noah (duh)

Your purpose, your goal in doing that, I mean

Joni (...)

I have zero idea what you mean

Noah
I know you did it to try and win me back!

Joni (....?????)
You’re not serious

Noah
I know. The band knows. My agent knows. My tour manager knows.
My FANS know!
And it’s embarrassing. You’re embarrassing yourself. And you’re also.

You’re embarrassing me.

My breakup album is really blowing up right now and I’m about to release this new single called
“Self-Actualization” but
Some bad press is just that: bad press, so I want to be upfront, I want to be forward:
You and me, going back in time, getting back together?
That’s impossible. Ok? That’s impossible.

Joni looks at Noah.


Noah looks back.

What to say? Will she laugh? Slap him?

Joni
I had a dream about you last night.

Noah (...)
I’m gonna go

Joni
Even the Dream Me was pissed. She was like, really subconscious?
Why is he here? Why is he Still Here.
But there you were. And we were in this. Swamp. Drinking tea.
And you had your hand on my [knee] and it probably looked nice to people, from afar, I guess
But I didn’t want to be there with you at all. I wanted to be alone.
And then I noticed a bunch of alligators so I said “look out” and you said “you’re such a baby” and
you leapt into the swamp and there was an alligator and bam you died you were bloody and gnarled
you died and there were marching bands and confetti and little kids with hula hoops
and then I woke up.

Noah
...Yeah I’m gonna go

102
Joni
You already did

Noah (....)

I’m
standing right next to you

Joni
No I mean, I erased you. You erased me so I erased you back.
Last night. Last week. You’re gone

Noah
Joni, you can’t erase me. I’m everywhere.
Commercials. Billboards. Sides of buses.

Joni
But you’ve stopped mattering. You’re irrelevant

Noah (Duh I’m famous)

I’m far from irrelevant

Joni
To me.

Noah (laughing at her)

Are you kidding? This city is dripping in me.
Every single place we’ve walked past, eaten at, got trashed at
I’m there. Peeking out.

Joni
Do you know what I’m gonna do?

Noah (….)
No Joni, I don’t

Joni
I’m going to visit those places
All of them. The parks and the bars and /

Noah
And what, bask in the memories?

Joni
No. Not at all
I’m going to say out loud: This is mine
Not yours, and definitely not ours
Those places are mine They are MINE

103
Joni
They are MINE

Noah (embarrassed)
Ok ok calm down, / people are –

Joni
Don’t tell me to calm down

Noah
You’re saying that you’re going to shout, into thin air, that something that has no owner “belongs”
to you

Joni
Watch me.

Joni leaves the restaurant.

Noah vanishes.
Joni walks
And walks
And walks
Young Joni appears. Joni approaches her.

Joni
Are you wearing
overalls

Young Joni
Yeah
It’s my costume.
My / orphan costume

Joni (realizes)
orphan costume

Young Joni
I’m in Annie

Joni
And you’re in the front row
For the dances
Aren’t you?

Young Joni
Yeah
I don’t have any lines but I’m still in the front for all the dances, so

104
Joni
That must mean you’re doing a really good job

Young Joni
I think I am. I don’t want to brag but
We’ve been getting a ton of applause. And my mom, /

Joni (remembering)
Bought you tulips

Young Joni
Uh huh

Joni (remembering)
That was really nice of her

Young Joni
What about you?

Joni
What about me?

Young Joni
Are you in the front row

Joni (?)
Oh I’m
Not in a / [show]

Young Joni
Are you in the front row, though
Generally

Joni
Um
Generally I’m
somewhere in the middle

Young Joni
Whenever I see grown-ups like you, I get excited
And I think about living in a really really tall building and wearing these really really tall boots and
having a lot of friends and a job that I’m good at like I don’t know like I’m a scientist or a
photographer or a dancer or maybe all three? And I’m super interesting and super powerful and
super cool and super confident

Joni
Will you be disappointed
If you’re not

105
Young Joni
What?

Joni
If you’re not. All those things

Young Joni considers, for a moment.

Young Joni
Have you ever heard of phantom rain?

Joni (remembering)
Yes

Young Joni
I learned about it in school today.

It happens in places that are hot and dry. Like the desert. Or like Egypt. You know Egypt right?

Joni
Uh huh

Young Joni
Rain evaporates before it hits the ground.
My teacher said it looks like a giant curtain. A curtain of rain and then POOF
And all the people in the desert, all the thirsty people, are standing there, staring up at the sky,
So excited cuz they’re looking at exactly what they want

And they watch it coming closer and closer and closer and closer and closer

And then they watch it vanish.

Joni
Does that make them
Sad?

Young Joni
Maybe
Maybe they’re sad. Or mad. At the rain clouds or whatever
But maybe they just move on with their lives.

Joni
Yeah.
Or maybe they don’t.
At least for a little while.
Maybe they pull the covers over their head
And make a lot of bad decisions
And feel inadequate
And feel small

106
Young Joni
That sounds
Scary

Joni
It is a little. Scary
But then later, they feel strong
And then they feel larger than life
And then they feel small again
And then they feel like they’ve gone backwards, like they’ve lost something
But then they forgive
And they keep forgiving

The stars come out.

Young Joni
Where are you going?

Joni
I’m not really sure
I just started walking
And I didn’t want to stop walking

Young Joni
Do you have somewhere to be?

Joni
…..

Young Joni
Does anybody know where you are?

Joni
……

Young Joni
So are you
Lonely?

Joni really considers the question.

Joni (a revelation)
No.
I actually feel /

Quick blackout on an inhale

as another, different story begins.
End of play.

107