Narcissistic parent

A narcissistic parent is a parent affected by narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder. Typically,

narcissistic parents are exclusively and possessively close to their children and are threatened by their
children's growing independence.[1] This results in a pattern of narcissistic attachment, with the parent
considering that the child exists solely to fulfill the parent's needs and wishes.[2] A narcissistic parent will
often try to control their children with threats and emotional abuse. Narcissistic parenting adversely affects
the psychological development of children, affecting their reasoning and their emotional, ethical, and
societal behaviors and attitudes.[3] Personal boundaries are often disregarded with the goal of molding and
manipulating the child to satisfy the parent's expectations.[4]

Narcissistic people have low self-esteem and feel the need to control how others regard them, fearing that
otherwise they will be blamed or rejected and their personal inadequacies will be exposed. Narcissistic
parents are self-absorbed, often to the point of grandiosity. They also tend to be inflexible, and lack the
empathy necessary for child raising.[5]

Contents
Characteristics
Children of narcissists
Short-term and long-term effects
Mental health effects
See also
References
Further reading
External links

Characteristics
The term narcissism, as used in Sigmund Freud’s clinical study, includes behaviors such as self-
aggrandizement, self-esteem, vulnerability, fear of losing the affection of people and of failure, reliance on
defense mechanisms, perfectionism, and interpersonal conflict.[6]

To maintain their self-esteem and protect their vulnerable true selves, narcissists seek to control the behavior
of others, particularly that of their children whom they view as extensions of themselves.[5] Thus,
narcissistic parents may speak of "carrying the torch", maintaining the family image, or making the mother
or father proud. They may reproach their children for exhibiting weakness, being too dramatic, being
selfish, or not meeting expectations. Children of narcissists learn to play their part and to show off their
special skill(s), especially in public or for others. They typically do not have many memories of having felt
loved or appreciated for being themselves. Instead, they associate their experience of love and appreciation
with conforming to the demands of the narcissistic parent.[7]
Destructive narcissistic parents have a pattern of consistently needing to be the focus of attention,
exaggerating, seeking compliments, and putting their children down.[8] Punishment in the form of blame,
criticism or emotional blackmail, and attempts to induce guilt may be used to ensure compliance with the
parent's wishes and their need for narcissistic supply.[5]

Children of narcissists
Narcissism tends to play out intergenerationally, with narcissistic parents producing either narcissistic or
codependent children in turn.[9] While a self-confident parent, or good-enough parent, can allow a child
their autonomous development, the narcissistic parent may instead use the child to promote their own
image.[10] A parent concerned with self-enhancement, or with being mirrored and admired by their
child,[11] may leave the child feeling like a puppet to the parent's emotional/intellectual demands.[12]

Children of a narcissistic parent may not be supportive of others in the home. Observing the behavior of the
parent, the child learns that manipulation and guilt are effective strategies for getting what they want. The
child may also develop a false self and use aggression and intimidation to get their way.[13] Instead, they
may invest in the opposite behaviors if they have observed them among friends and other families. When
the child of a narcissistic parent experiences safe, real love or sees the example played out in other families,
they may identify and act on the differences between their life and that of a child in a healthy family. For
example, the lack of empathy and volatility at home may increase the child's own empathy and desire to be
respectful. Similarly, intense emotional control and disrespect for boundaries at home may increase the
child's value for emotional expression and their desire to extend respect to others. Although the child
observes the parent's behavior, they are often on the receiving end of the same behavior. When an
alternative to the pain and distress caused at home presents itself, the child may choose to focus on more
comforting, safety-inducing behaviors.[13]

Some common issues in narcissistic parenting result from a lack of appropriate, responsible nurturing. This
may lead to a child feeling empty, insecure in loving relationships, developing imagined fears, mistrusting
others, experiencing identity conflict, and suffering an inability to develop a distinct existence from that of
the parent.[14]

Sensitive, guilt-ridden children in the family may learn to meet the parent's needs for gratification and seek
love by accommodating the wishes of the parent. The child's normal feelings are ignored, denied and
eventually repressed in attempts to gain the parent's "love". Guilt and shame keep the child locked in a
developmental arrest. Aggressive impulses and rage may become split off and not integrated with normal
development. Some children develop a false self as a defense mechanism and become codependent in
relationships. The child's unconscious denial of their true self may perpetuate a cycle of self-hatred, fearing
any reminder of their authentic self.[13]

Narcissistic parenting may also lead to children being either victimized or bullies, having a poor or overly
inflated body image, tendency to use and/or abuse drugs or alcohol, and acting out (in a potentially harmful
manner) for attention.[15]

In most cases, the narcissist will select one child in the family to be the Golden Child, and another child to
be the Scapegoat. The Golden Child becomes an extension of the narcissist, who lives vicariously through
them.[16] As a result many golden children do not develop a healthy sense of self and struggle with
boundaries. Scapegoats, on the other hand, become the receptacle for all the negative emotions of the
narcissistic parent, who blames them for everything that goes wrong in the family.[17]

Short-term and long-term effects

Due to their vulnerability, children are extremely affected by the behavior of a narcissistic parent.[18] A
narcissistic parent will often abuse the normal parental role of guiding their children and being the primary
decision maker in the child's life, becoming overly possessive and controlling. This possessiveness and
excessive control disempowers the child; the parent sees the child simply as an extension of themselves.[19]
This may affect the child's imagination and level of curiosity, and they often develop an extrinsic style of
motivation. This heightened level of control may be due to the need of the narcissistic parent to maintain the
child's dependence on them.[19]

Narcissistic parents are quick to anger,[18] putting their children at risk for physical and emotional abuse.[20]
To avoid anger and punishment, children of abusive parents often resort to complying with their parent's
every demand.[21] This affects both the child's well-being and their ability to make logical decisions on
their own, and as adults they often lack self-confidence and the ability to gain control over their life.
Identity crisis, loneliness, and struggle with self expression are also commonly seen in children raised by a
narcissistic parent.[19] The struggle to discover one's self as an adult stems from the substantial amount of
projective identification that the now adult experienced as a child.[19] Because of excessive identification
with the parent, the child may never get the opportunity to experience their own identity.

Mental health effects

Studies have found that children of narcissistic parents have significantly higher rates of depression and
lower self-esteem during adulthood than those who did not perceive their caregivers as narcissistic.[19] The
parent's lack of empathy towards their child contributes to this, as the child's desires are often denied, their
feelings restrained, and their overall emotional well-being ignored.[19]

Children of narcissistic parents are taught to submit and conform, causing them to lose touch of themselves
as individuals. This can lead to the child possessing very few memories of feeling appreciated or loved by
their parents for being themselves, as they instead associate the love and appreciation with conformity.[19]
Children may benefit with distance from the narcissistic parent. Some children of narcissistic parents resort
to leaving home during adolescence if they grow to view the relationship with their parent(s) as toxic.[20]

See also
Child abuse Helicopter parent
Dysfunctional family Identified patient
Effects of domestic violence on children Parental bullying of children
Enmeshment Parenting styles
Family nexus Narcissistic personality disorder

References
1. Stephen E. Levich, Clone Being (2004) p. 31 and p.89-91
2. David Stafford & Liz Hodgkinson, Codependency (London 1995) p. 41
3. (2015, Apr. 27 ). In Wikipedia. Retrieved Apr. 27, 2015, from
http://hciresearch4.hcii.cs.cmu.edu/~rfarzan/APSWI-Patrick/stage/site/searcharticles.php?
title=Parenting%20styles.
4. Banschick M.D., M. (2013, March 13). The Narcissistic Father. Retrieved April 29, 2015, from
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201303/the-narcissistic-father.
5. Rappoport, Alan, Ph. D.Co-Narcissism: How We Accommodate to Narcissistic Parents. The
Therapist, 2005 (http://www.alanrappoport.com/pdf/Co-Narcissism%20Article.pdf).
 6. Raskin, Robert, and Howard. Terry. (1988). A Principal-Components Analysis of the
Narcissistic Personality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 54 (5), PP 890-902
7. Boyd, R. How Early Childhood Oedipal Narcissistic Development Affects Later Adult
Intimacy and Relationships (http://www.energeticsinstitute.com.au/page/childhood_oedipal_
narcissistic_development_affects_later_adult_intimacy_and_relationships.html) Archived (ht
tps://web.archive.org/web/20111209014257/http://www.energeticsinstitute.com.au/page/chil
dhood_oedipal_narcissistic_development_affects_later_adult_intimacy_and_relationships.
html) 2011-12-09 at the Wayback Machine 2011
8. Simon Crompton, All about Me: Loving a Narcissist (London 2007) p. 120
9. Simon Crompton, All about Me: Loving a Narcissist (London 2007) p. 119
10. Salman Akhtar, Good Feeling (London 2009) p. 86
11. Heinz Kohut, How Does Analysis Cure? (London 1984) p. 183
12. Joseph Glenmullen, Prozac Backlash (New York 2000) p. 278 and p. 266
13. Lynne Namka, Ed.D. Selfishness and narcissism in Family Relationships (https://lynnenamk
a.com/relationships/relationships-articles/selfishness-narcissism-family-relationships/).
14. McBride, K. (2008). The Empty Mirror. Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters
of Narcissistic Mothers. p. 18.
15. Pinsky, Drew, S M. Young, and Jill Stern. The Mirror Effect: How Celebrity Narcissism Is
Seducing America. New York: Harper, 2009
16. "The Golden Child - another victim of the Narcissistic Parent" (https://www.carlacorelli.com/n
arcissism-glossary/golden-child-narcissistic-parent/). Carla Corelli. 2022-05-03. Retrieved
2022-05-25.
17. "The Narcissistic Family Scapegoat" (https://www.carlacorelli.com/narcissistic-abuse-recove
ry/narcissistic-family-scapegoat/). Carla Corelli. 2022-05-03. Retrieved 2022-05-25.
18. Wilson, Sylia; Durbin, C. Emily (November 2011). "Dyadic Parent-Child Interaction During
Early Childhood: Contributions of Parental and Child Personality Traits". Journal of
Personality. 80 (5): 1313–1338. doi:10.1111/j.1467-6494.2011.00760.x (https://doi.org/10.11
11%2Fj.1467-6494.2011.00760.x). ISSN 0022-3506 (https://www.worldcat.org/issn/0022-35
06). PMID 22433002 (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22433002).
19. Pluznick, Ruth; Kis-Sines, Natasha (2018-05-01), "Narrative therapy with children of parents
experiencing mental health difficulties*", Creative Positions in Adult Mental Health,
Routledge, pp. 205–226, doi:10.4324/9780429473401-11 (https://doi.org/10.4324%2F97804
29473401-11), ISBN 9780429473401
20. Deater-Deckard, Kirby (2004-08-11), "Parenting Behavior and the Parent-Child
Relationship", Parenting Stress, Yale University Press, pp. 74–94,
doi:10.12987/yale/9780300103939.003.0004 (https://doi.org/10.12987%2Fyale%2F978030
0103939.003.0004), ISBN 9780300103939
21. Gardner, Fiona (September 2004). " 'to Enliven Her Was My Living': Thoughts on
Compliance and Sacrifice as Consequences of Malignant Identification with a Narcissistic
Parent". British Journal of Psychotherapy. 21 (1): 49–62. doi:10.1111/j.1752-
0118.2004.tb00186.x (https://doi.org/10.1111%2Fj.1752-0118.2004.tb00186.x). ISSN 0265-
9883 (https://www.worldcat.org/issn/0265-9883).

Further reading
Gardner, F 'To Enliven Her Was My Living':Thoughts On Compliance And Sacrifice As
Consequences Of Malignant Identification With A Narcissistic Parent (https://archive.today/2
0130105054842/http://www3.interscience.wiley.com/journal/118773184/abstract) British
Journal of Psychotherapy Volume 21 Issue 1, Pages 49 – 62 (2006)
 Brown, Nina W. Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-up's Guide to Getting over
Narcissistic Parents (2008)
Campbell, Lady Colin Daughter of Narcissus: A Family's Struggle to Survive Their Mother's
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (2009)
Donaldson-Pressman, S & Pressman, RM The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and
Treatment (1997)
Golomb, Elan Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in their Struggle for Self
(1995)
Hotchkiss, Sandy & Masterson, James F. Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly
Sins of Narcissism (2003) – see Chapter 9 – The Narcissistic Parent
Little A No Contact - The Final Boundary: Surviving Parental Narcissistic Abuse (2016)
McBride, Karyl Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
(2009)
Miller A The Drama of the Gifted Child, How Narcissistic Parents Form and Deform the
Emotional Lives of their Talented Children, Basic Books, Inc (1981)
Payson, Eleanor The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way
Relationship in Work, Love, and Family (2002) – see Chapter 5
Pinsky, Drew The Mirror Effect: How Celebrity Narcissism is Seducing America (2009) - see
Chapter 8
Twenge, Jean M & Campbell, W. Keith The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of
Entitlement (2009) - see Chapter 5
Nemer, Selma The Beheaded Goddess: Daughters of Narcissistic Fathers (2012)

External links
Malkin C 8 Common Effects Of Narcissistic Parenting (https://www.huffpost.com/entry/8-com
mon-effects-of-narcissistic-parenting_b_5811fc8ee4b096e870696226) Huffington Post 27
Oct 2016
Hall JL The Narcissist Parent's Psychological Warfare: Parentifying, Idealizing, and
Scapegoating (https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-narcissist-parents-psychological-warfare-
parentifying_b_59124c7de4b0e070cad709df) Huffington Post 9 May 2017
Dodgson L The 5 most common themes in narcissistic families, from 'flying monkeys' to the
'needy sibling' (https://www.insider.com/sibling-dynamics-behaviors-narcissistic-families-201
9-7) Insider

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