1

00:00:00,561 --> 00:00:03,998

Ugh! God, it's so ridiculous
that we can't, like,

2
00:00:04,031 --> 00:00:05,332
control the heat in our own apartment.

3
00:00:05,366 --> 00:00:07,067
It's like, we're old enough to drink,

4
00:00:07,101 --> 00:00:09,670
we're old enough to chaperone
a high school dance, to vote.

5
00:00:09,703 --> 00:00:10,871
Like that did (bleep) anything.

6
00:00:10,904 --> 00:00:12,840
But to control your own temperature, no.

7
00:00:12,873 --> 00:00:15,676
Some crazy landlord in
the sky gets to do that.

8
00:00:15,709 --> 00:00:17,778
And I was this close
to being able to afford

9
00:00:17,811 --> 00:00:20,614
the Hot Dream Q20-X space heater.

10
00:00:20,648 --> 00:00:22,182
It's the one that Drew Barrymore uses.

11
00:00:22,216 --> 00:00:24,118
Do you, like, get her credit
card statements or something?

12
00:00:24,151 --> 00:00:26,620
I think she's got great taste,
and, like, a pixie spirit.

13
00:00:26,654 --> 00:00:28,455
Dude, just let me buy it for you.

14
00:00:28,489 --> 00:00:29,556
I'm a waitress.

15
00:00:29,590 --> 00:00:31,525
I am for real rich, not (bleep) rich.

16
00:00:31,558 --> 00:00:33,360
No, I don't want you to buy it for me.

17
00:00:33,394 --> 00:00:35,929
I should be able to buy
this stuff for myself.

18
00:00:35,963 --> 00:00:37,965
I mean, it's just hard
right now without a job.

19
00:00:37,998 --> 00:00:39,533
I'm a little hard right now.

20
00:00:42,136 --> 00:00:43,437
Okay.

21
00:00:45,839 --> 00:00:48,075
Oh, my God, when were you gonna tell me?

22
00:00:48,108 --> 00:00:49,076
About what?

23
00:00:49,109 --> 00:00:51,211
About this, Abigail.

24
00:00:51,245 --> 00:00:53,714
The most powerful
moment in a woman's life:

25
00:00:53,747 --> 00:00:54,882
Your first gray hair!

26
00:00:54,915 --> 00:00:56,884
No, is it... Oh, my gosh! No, no, no!

27
00:00:56,917 --> 00:00:58,786
- Yas, rejoice, yas, yas!
- No!
28
00:00:58,819 --> 00:01:00,688
I'm not rejoicing, I'm freaking out!

29
00:01:00,721 --> 00:01:01,989
What happened? You guys okay?

30
00:01:02,022 --> 00:01:03,691
Dude, aren't you freezing?

31
00:01:03,724 --> 00:01:05,526
No, I was snuggled under a blanket.

32
00:01:05,559 --> 00:01:06,727
What's going on?

33
00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:08,195
Dude, Abi got her first gray hair.

34
00:01:08,228 --> 00:01:10,197
I'm full-on flooding with envy.

35
00:01:10,230 --> 00:01:11,765
Well, you can have it if you want it.

36
00:01:11,799 --> 00:01:13,634
God, I wish it were that simple.

37
00:01:13,667 --> 00:01:15,869
Don't you see? You're becoming a witch.

38
00:01:15,903 --> 00:01:18,672
A dope and powerful (bleep) witch.

39
00:01:18,706 --> 00:01:19,974
Like Dame Judi Dench.

40
00:01:20,007 --> 00:01:23,110
And Stacey London from "What
Not to Wear" before you.

41
00:01:23,143 --> 00:01:24,211
You're ascending.

42
00:01:24,244 --> 00:01:25,679
Witches aren't real, you guys.

43
00:01:25,713 --> 00:01:28,115
(both laughing)

44
00:01:28,148 --> 00:01:30,384
Uh, okay.

45
00:01:30,417 --> 00:01:33,220
Wow. What do you think this is all...
What do you think is happening here?

46
00:01:33,253 --> 00:01:37,424
You think this is all
just literal stuff?

47
00:01:37,458 --> 00:01:40,661
Dude, if witches aren't real,
then who makes all the kombucha?

48
00:01:40,694 --> 00:01:43,364
And where do scarves
come from? Scarf tree?

49
00:01:43,397 --> 00:01:45,532
There's people that
knit all over the place.

50
00:01:45,566 --> 00:01:47,034
You are magical.

51
00:01:47,067 --> 00:01:50,938
It's a swirling chasm of magic.

52
00:01:50,971 --> 00:01:54,241
Okay, I just thought that by
the time I'd have gray hair,

53
00:01:54,275 --> 00:01:55,876
I'd have... I don't know,

54
00:01:55,909 --> 00:01:58,445
a MacArthur Genius Grant or
at least be posting pictures

55
00:01:58,479 --> 00:02:01,148
of "akai" bowls on my Instagram account.

56
00:02:01,181 --> 00:02:02,249
Acai.

57
00:02:02,283 --> 00:02:03,284
Whatever.

58
00:02:03,317 --> 00:02:06,487
Well, where am I now? Nowhere.

59
00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:08,022
I mean, what do I have? Nothing.

60
00:02:08,055 --> 00:02:09,857
You have a gray hair on your head.

61
00:02:09,890 --> 00:02:11,625
He's right. That's something.

62
00:02:11,659 --> 00:02:13,260
First of all, I don't like
what's going on with you two.

63
00:02:13,294 --> 00:02:14,662
But you know what?

64
00:02:14,695 --> 00:02:17,231
I'm gonna take my life
into my own hands right now.

65
00:02:17,264 --> 00:02:20,467
I am gonna buy that Drew
Barrymore space heater

66
00:02:20,501 --> 00:02:23,137
with my money that I
make selling my artwork.

67
00:02:23,170 --> 00:02:24,705
Double, double, toil and trouble,

68
00:02:24,738 --> 00:02:26,707
fire burn and cauldron bubble, bitch!

69
00:02:26,740 --> 00:02:27,975
Oh, my God, I totally forgot!

70
00:02:28,008 --> 00:02:30,210
I have 250 handmade Christmas cards

71
00:02:30,244 --> 00:02:32,313
that I was planning on
sending my 250 camp friends.

72
00:02:32,346 --> 00:02:33,714
250 camp friends?

73
00:02:33,747 --> 00:02:35,616
But not anymore. I am selling 'em.

74
00:02:35,649 --> 00:02:37,017
You know what?

75
00:02:37,051 --> 00:02:39,353
I am gonna set up my table at the Met.

76
00:02:39,386 --> 00:02:40,421
Ooh, yes!

77
00:02:40,454 --> 00:02:41,522
(Abbi) This is perfect.

78
00:02:41,555 --> 00:02:42,623
Can you set up with me?

79
00:02:42,656 --> 00:02:43,891
Uh, totally.

80
00:02:43,924 --> 00:02:46,226
I just have to meet up
with my dad for pedicures.

81
00:02:46,260 --> 00:02:47,895
Oh, I thought that
you said that you were

82
00:02:47,928 --> 00:02:49,363
doing the ice skating
with your mom today.
83
00:02:49,396 --> 00:02:52,199
Whole... family day planned.

84
00:02:52,232 --> 00:02:53,934
I just gotta make sure
that I find the time

85
00:02:53,968 --> 00:02:57,504
for a powerful genital sneeze, or four.

86
00:02:57,538 --> 00:02:59,473
'Cause I'm a cum kween!

87
00:02:59,506 --> 00:03:01,408
I just have to come sometimes.

88
00:03:01,442 --> 00:03:03,944
Like today, so (bleep)
much, so maybe you guys

89
00:03:03,978 --> 00:03:06,677
can get the (bleep) out so
I can jerk off real quick.

90
00:03:08,182 --> 00:03:09,550
- What?
- What?

91
00:03:09,583 --> 00:03:11,385
I'm okay.

92
00:03:11,418 --> 00:03:12,353
I'm okay.

93
00:03:13,587 --> 00:03:15,556
Am I allowed to behave that way?

94
00:03:15,589 --> 00:03:18,125
♪ Four and three
and two and one one ♪

95
00:03:19,159 --> 00:03:22,271
Sync and corrections by rickSG
www.addic7ed.com

96
00:03:22,574 --> 00:03:24,646
_

97
00:03:24,681 --> 00:03:26,567
(Ilana shivering)

98
00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:27,801
Knish, k'witch?

99
00:03:27,835 --> 00:03:29,670
Uh, yes, please.

100
00:03:29,703 --> 00:03:31,171
Ooh! So much better.

101
00:03:31,205 --> 00:03:33,107
I think it's warmer out here
than it is in my apartment.

102
00:03:33,140 --> 00:03:34,775
I can finally feel my toes.

103
00:03:34,808 --> 00:03:36,510
Yeah, I love these knishes,

104
00:03:36,543 --> 00:03:39,483
all pressed up on me and that
heat, you feel that steam.

105
00:03:39,513 --> 00:03:41,849
So how much do you have to
sell to get that space heater?

106
00:03:41,882 --> 00:03:44,452
Well, with the BB&B coupon,
it comes to, like, 69 bucks...

107
00:03:44,485 --> 00:03:45,987
Oh, horny number!

108
00:03:46,020 --> 00:03:48,489
Ooh, yowza, love it!

109
00:03:48,522 --> 00:03:49,724
All right.
110
00:03:49,757 --> 00:03:51,158
Gotta run to my, uh, hair appointment.

111
00:03:51,192 --> 00:03:52,326
Uh, nice to see you.

112
00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:53,728
I thought you said you
were getting pedicures

113
00:03:53,761 --> 00:03:55,563
and going ice skating with your parents.

114
00:03:55,596 --> 00:03:59,634
Yes, and... and then
haircuts, with Eliot.

115
00:03:59,667 --> 00:04:01,969
It's kinda like the
Wexlers Take Manhattan.

116
00:04:02,003 --> 00:04:03,871
We actually call it that.

117
00:04:03,904 --> 00:04:06,140
- It's cute.
- Yeah. Totally.

118
00:04:06,173 --> 00:04:07,775
Hey, new blood.

119
00:04:07,808 --> 00:04:09,076
Welcome to the steps.

120
00:04:09,110 --> 00:04:10,144
I'm Margo.

121
00:04:10,177 --> 00:04:11,245
Hey.

122
00:04:11,278 --> 00:04:12,580
Would you like a hit of some soup?

123
00:04:12,613 --> 00:04:14,081
- Wow.
- Homemade lentil.

124
00:04:14,115 --> 00:04:16,117
Oh, my goddess. You two
have the same thermos.

125
00:04:16,150 --> 00:04:17,985
Oh, wow, that's... that's neat.

126
00:04:18,019 --> 00:04:19,654
Same wheelie cart, too.

127
00:04:19,687 --> 00:04:21,422
Soul sisters.

128
00:04:21,455 --> 00:04:23,624
What a hot coincidence.

129
00:04:23,658 --> 00:04:25,593
Well, it's actually
the only one where...

130
00:04:25,626 --> 00:04:27,128
(both) ...the wheels
don't turn to squares

131
00:04:27,161 --> 00:04:29,563
when you roll over snow salt.

132
00:04:29,597 --> 00:04:31,098
That was spooky.

133
00:04:31,132 --> 00:04:34,402
Cute cards, Young Abbi.

134
00:04:34,435 --> 00:04:35,970
You're gonna be a hit here.

135
00:04:36,003 --> 00:04:37,238
Thanks.

136
00:04:37,271 --> 00:04:40,074
That Margo's a mighty witch.

137
00:04:40,107 --> 00:04:42,810
She nearly gave me a
clit, throat and butt-gasm.

138
00:04:42,843 --> 00:04:43,978
Butt-gasm?

139
00:04:44,011 --> 00:04:45,746
I'm a crazy, sick sex addict,

140
00:04:45,780 --> 00:04:48,115
like David Duchovny in
that show, and in real life.

141
00:04:48,149 --> 00:04:49,850
Ilana, you're being really weird.

142
00:04:49,884 --> 00:04:51,252
Oh, I gotta... run.

143
00:04:51,285 --> 00:04:53,187
My annual family massage appointment.

144
00:04:53,220 --> 00:04:55,690
Damn, I am so horned up, dude.

145
00:04:55,723 --> 00:04:57,958
Better jerk off before
I get on the subway.

146
00:04:57,992 --> 00:04:59,093
Ew, Ilana, chill.

147
00:04:59,126 --> 00:05:01,095
Later, Ab. Super wet!

148
00:05:01,128 --> 00:05:04,231
♪♪

149
00:05:04,265 --> 00:05:06,300
(sighs)

150
00:05:10,972 --> 00:05:12,506
You must be Ilana Wexler.

151
00:05:12,540 --> 00:05:13,507
Come in.

152
00:05:13,541 --> 00:05:15,710
Hi. Thanks.

153
00:05:15,743 --> 00:05:17,244
Beautiful apartment.

154
00:05:17,278 --> 00:05:19,914
Is this, um, pre...
pre-war, or... yeah.

155
00:05:19,947 --> 00:05:22,883
Yeah, I've lived here 50 years.

156
00:05:22,917 --> 00:05:24,151
Wow.

157
00:05:24,185 --> 00:05:27,154
There's a lot of history in these walls.

158
00:05:27,188 --> 00:05:29,190
So cozy.

159
00:05:29,223 --> 00:05:31,158
Wow, you can keep plants alive.

160
00:05:31,192 --> 00:05:33,294
- You're an adult.
- Yeah.

161
00:05:33,327 --> 00:05:35,162
Go on in, don't be shy.

162
00:05:41,102 --> 00:05:42,503
So, Ilana...

163
00:05:42,536 --> 00:05:44,205
Show me your vulva.

164
00:05:47,045 --> 00:05:51,283
So basically, I've had more sex than,
like, anybody in the entire world.

165
00:05:51,316 --> 00:05:55,721
Not just average sex, but,
like, dank '70s porno sex.

166
00:05:55,754 --> 00:05:58,223
I can squirt, and like, spray.

167
00:05:58,256 --> 00:06:00,325
I leave a cum trail wherever I go,

168
00:06:00,359 --> 00:06:02,060
kind of like a slutty slug.

169
00:06:02,094 --> 00:06:03,328
Uh-huh.

170
00:06:03,362 --> 00:06:06,064
I'm just really on the
edge of orgasm at all times.

171
00:06:06,098 --> 00:06:09,301
So then what seems to
be your problem today?

172
00:06:09,334 --> 00:06:11,103
It's not, uh, my problem,

173
00:06:11,136 --> 00:06:13,872
it is my friend Abbi's problem,

174
00:06:13,905 --> 00:06:16,908
so I'm just here for her by proxy.

175
00:06:16,942 --> 00:06:22,314
She hasn't, uh, orgasmed in months.

176
00:06:22,347 --> 00:06:27,552
And she's too embarrassed to
come, L-O-L, here, to see you.

177
00:06:27,586 --> 00:06:30,622
I just want to help her be a cum kween

178
00:06:30,656 --> 00:06:32,291
like her best friend, me, is.

179
00:06:32,324 --> 00:06:36,662
So your friend hasn't come in
months and you're here for her.

180
00:06:36,695 --> 00:06:38,397
Exactly.

181
00:06:43,268 --> 00:06:45,003
Okay.

182
00:06:45,037 --> 00:06:47,239
If that's what you want to do.

183
00:06:49,174 --> 00:06:52,277
♪♪

184
00:06:54,780 --> 00:06:56,815
- How's business, Young Abbi?
- Oh, my God.

185
00:06:56,848 --> 00:07:00,285
Um, it's going okay.

186
00:07:00,319 --> 00:07:02,187
I've only made five bucks so far.

187
00:07:02,220 --> 00:07:04,423
Would you like a puff of my wand?

188
00:07:04,456 --> 00:07:05,657
It's pretty magical.

189
00:07:05,691 --> 00:07:07,459
Uh, sure.

190
00:07:07,492 --> 00:07:08,627
Cool wand.

191
00:07:09,928 --> 00:07:11,563
You seem cold.

192
00:07:11,596 --> 00:07:14,333
You know, most people
don't realize this,

193
00:07:14,366 --> 00:07:17,202
but you lose most of your body heat

194
00:07:17,235 --> 00:07:18,603
from your upper wing area.

195
00:07:18,637 --> 00:07:21,907
Wing area? Oh, I just...

196
00:07:21,940 --> 00:07:23,608
Oh, wow.

197
00:07:23,642 --> 00:07:25,510
That feels really good, actually.

198
00:07:25,544 --> 00:07:26,511
Yeah, thank you.

199
00:07:26,545 --> 00:07:28,113
All right, well....

200
00:07:28,146 --> 00:07:29,848
Holler if you need anything else.

201
00:07:29,881 --> 00:07:31,516
It's lunchtime.

202
00:07:31,550 --> 00:07:33,752
I guess it is lunchtime.

203
00:07:35,687 --> 00:07:37,923
Hey! Same Tupperware!

204
00:07:37,956 --> 00:07:39,224
Oh, yeah.

205
00:07:39,257 --> 00:07:40,926
Uh, twinsies, I guess.

206
00:07:44,062 --> 00:07:47,132
Beautiful, isn't she?

207
00:07:47,165 --> 00:07:48,800
Straight up gorgeous.
208
00:07:48,834 --> 00:07:51,937
Ilana, I want you to name your vulva.

209
00:07:51,970 --> 00:07:54,806
What about... "Abbi"?

210
00:07:56,008 --> 00:07:57,309
All right, Ilana,

211
00:07:57,342 --> 00:07:59,811
I want you to have a
conversation with Abbi.

212
00:07:59,845 --> 00:08:02,180
Tell Abbi how you've
been feeling lately.

213
00:08:02,214 --> 00:08:04,116
Abbi...

214
00:08:04,149 --> 00:08:07,085
you've been stubborn lately.

215
00:08:07,119 --> 00:08:08,787
Like, withholding.

216
00:08:08,820 --> 00:08:09,955
You're so full of shit.

217
00:08:09,988 --> 00:08:12,724
You can't even focus enough to relax.

218
00:08:12,758 --> 00:08:14,793
You're not even a vulva or a vagina.

219
00:08:14,826 --> 00:08:16,895
You're just a butthole
that happens to bleed.

220
00:08:16,928 --> 00:08:18,897
I (bleep) hate you, bitch! (bleep) you!

221
00:08:18,930 --> 00:08:22,701
It's okay. It's just
the first layer: rage.
222
00:08:22,734 --> 00:08:23,869
Go deeper.

223
00:08:23,902 --> 00:08:25,304
Tell Abbi what's in your heart.

224
00:08:26,571 --> 00:08:29,308
Abbi, I...

225
00:08:29,341 --> 00:08:30,976
I know it's not you.

226
00:08:31,009 --> 00:08:32,277
It's me.

227
00:08:32,311 --> 00:08:35,180
I increased my dosage
of antidepressants.

228
00:08:35,213 --> 00:08:37,382
And I've also just been
more anxious and depressed,

229
00:08:37,416 --> 00:08:41,286
this whole disgusting, gross year.

230
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:42,654
And now I have dead pussy.

231
00:08:43,956 --> 00:08:45,657
(voice-over) Dead pussy.

232
00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:47,426
Dead pussy.

233
00:08:47,459 --> 00:08:48,794
(Donald Trump)) Dead pussy.

234
00:08:48,827 --> 00:08:50,262
It's essentially dead.

235
00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:57,302
Dead pussy.
236
00:08:57,336 --> 00:08:58,837
How about a little hug for the Donald?

237
00:08:58,870 --> 00:08:59,905
It's like a magnet.

238
00:08:59,938 --> 00:09:01,540
Grab 'em by the pussy.

239
00:09:01,573 --> 00:09:03,976
Grab 'em by the pussy.

240
00:09:04,009 --> 00:09:07,479
USA! USA! USA!

241
00:09:07,512 --> 00:09:09,681
Grab 'em... Grab 'em by the pussy.

242
00:09:09,715 --> 00:09:11,149
I won. I won.

243
00:09:11,183 --> 00:09:12,250
Let's go, ladies.

244
00:09:12,284 --> 00:09:14,286
Oh, my God!

245
00:09:14,319 --> 00:09:16,822
Game show president (bleep) in chief!

246
00:09:16,855 --> 00:09:18,523
I haven't come since the election!

247
00:09:18,557 --> 00:09:20,359
And come is a lot of who I am.

248
00:09:20,392 --> 00:09:22,260
I'm a cum kween.

249
00:09:22,294 --> 00:09:23,829
Oh, good.

250
00:09:23,862 --> 00:09:25,831
Let it out, Ilana.
251
00:09:25,864 --> 00:09:27,633
You're not alone.

252
00:09:27,666 --> 00:09:31,770
Orgasms have been down 140%
since (bleep) was elected.

253
00:09:31,803 --> 00:09:32,871
Ugh!

254
00:09:32,904 --> 00:09:34,272
It's been horrible for everyone.

255
00:09:34,306 --> 00:09:36,074
Great for me, though.

256
00:09:36,108 --> 00:09:38,777
I'm technically the
only small business owner

257
00:09:38,810 --> 00:09:41,246
that that human skin
tag has ever helped.

258
00:09:42,381 --> 00:09:45,284
Betty, can you help me?

259
00:09:45,317 --> 00:09:48,186
♪♪

260
00:09:49,354 --> 00:09:51,056
Oh.

261
00:09:52,424 --> 00:09:54,026
Oh, um, you have a little...

262
00:09:54,059 --> 00:09:55,027
It's a gray!

263
00:09:55,060 --> 00:09:56,361
Uh, no. On your nose.

264
00:09:56,395 --> 00:09:58,730
Here. Take a look.
265
00:09:59,931 --> 00:10:02,534
Oh, it's a... It's a lentil.

266
00:10:02,567 --> 00:10:04,336
It's a lentil from way... earlier.

267
00:10:04,369 --> 00:10:05,737
I don't know how that got up there.

268
00:10:05,771 --> 00:10:07,339
It's not a wart.

269
00:10:07,372 --> 00:10:08,507
Huh.

270
00:10:08,540 --> 00:10:10,208
Did you really do all of these yourself?

271
00:10:10,242 --> 00:10:11,810
Oh, yes, I'm... I'm the artist.

272
00:10:11,843 --> 00:10:13,645
I went to this small school called MICA.

273
00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:14,680
Get out.

274
00:10:14,713 --> 00:10:17,049
My daughter goes to MICA.

275
00:10:17,082 --> 00:10:18,717
Sorry, but how old are you?

276
00:10:18,750 --> 00:10:21,086
- I'm 51.
- What?!

277
00:10:21,119 --> 00:10:23,355
Wait, you're 51. (bleep) you.

278
00:10:23,388 --> 00:10:25,724
Sorry, I'm so sorry.
You're 51 years old?
279
00:10:25,757 --> 00:10:27,993
I get that a lot. I'm a dermatologist.

280
00:10:28,026 --> 00:10:30,228
An Upper East Side dermatologist,

281
00:10:30,262 --> 00:10:31,296
if you catch my drift.

282
00:10:31,330 --> 00:10:34,099
Yeah, okay, I see.

283
00:10:34,132 --> 00:10:35,801
But what do you mean by that?

284
00:10:35,834 --> 00:10:38,537
Let's just say I can get my
hands on whatever a girl needs

285
00:10:38,570 --> 00:10:40,472
to stay fresh and young-looking.

286
00:10:40,505 --> 00:10:43,308
Botox, fillers, bat feces.

287
00:10:43,342 --> 00:10:45,444
Ew, wait. Fillers?

288
00:10:45,477 --> 00:10:46,979
I tell you what.

289
00:10:47,012 --> 00:10:48,780
I'm gonna take five
stacks of these cards.

290
00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:50,515
My clients are gonna love them.

291
00:10:50,549 --> 00:10:52,117
Wow, okay. Cool.

292
00:10:52,150 --> 00:10:53,352
Um, that's awesome.

293
00:10:53,385 --> 00:10:54,786
That'll be 50 bucks.

294
00:10:54,820 --> 00:10:56,688
Ugh! And what a steal.

295
00:10:56,722 --> 00:10:58,357
That's, like, free.

296
00:10:58,390 --> 00:11:00,926
Yeah, it's nothing for me, either.

297
00:11:00,959 --> 00:11:02,527
That's my business card.

298
00:11:02,561 --> 00:11:03,862
My office is just around the corner,

299
00:11:03,895 --> 00:11:06,999
you know, if you're ever in
the mood to... freshen up.

300
00:11:07,032 --> 00:11:08,533
Oh.

301
00:11:08,567 --> 00:11:10,002
I'm still in my 20s.

302
00:11:10,035 --> 00:11:11,503
I mean, the gray is super premature,

303
00:11:11,536 --> 00:11:14,172
and the hunchback is just
a scarf to protect my wings.

304
00:11:14,206 --> 00:11:15,173
No pressure.

305
00:11:15,207 --> 00:11:16,942
Okay, thanks.

306
00:11:18,076 --> 00:11:20,712
I went to MICA, too!

307
00:11:20,746 --> 00:11:22,281
You could hear all that?

308
00:11:22,314 --> 00:11:23,649
Spooky.

309
00:11:25,550 --> 00:11:27,653
(exhales)

310
00:11:27,686 --> 00:11:29,454
(vibrator buzzing)

311
00:11:32,491 --> 00:11:33,725
Ugh!

312
00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:35,727
I think I'm just... broken.

313
00:11:35,761 --> 00:11:37,796
You look perfectly healthy to me.

314
00:11:37,829 --> 00:11:40,599
Then why aren't I coming yesterday?

315
00:11:40,632 --> 00:11:42,467
Orgasms are a journey.

316
00:11:42,501 --> 00:11:43,802
They start in your mind.

317
00:11:43,835 --> 00:11:45,771
You're traumatized by the fact

318
00:11:45,804 --> 00:11:49,641
that a sexual-assault
bragging steak salesman

319
00:11:49,675 --> 00:11:51,043
has become our president.

320
00:11:51,076 --> 00:11:55,080
You need to find a way to
rise above it in spite of him.

321
00:11:55,113 --> 00:11:56,949
Look inside yourself.
322
00:11:56,982 --> 00:12:00,585
(sighs heavily)

323
00:12:00,619 --> 00:12:02,220
(buzzing)

324
00:12:03,822 --> 00:12:05,157
Ew! Wait! Ugh!

325
00:12:05,190 --> 00:12:07,893
God, I'm never gonna come again!

326
00:12:07,926 --> 00:12:09,594
It's not going to be easy.

327
00:12:09,628 --> 00:12:10,662
Stay in the moment.

328
00:12:12,097 --> 00:12:13,966
(bleep) you, (bleep)!

329
00:12:13,999 --> 00:12:16,001
I'm going back in.

330
00:12:16,034 --> 00:12:18,136
(buzzing)

331
00:12:18,170 --> 00:12:19,972
That's not too bad.

332
00:12:20,005 --> 00:12:23,408
Oh, my God. Abbi?

333
00:12:23,442 --> 00:12:25,644
(slow voice) Jeremy?

334
00:12:25,677 --> 00:12:28,046
♪♪

335
00:12:30,315 --> 00:12:33,151
(music playing backwards)

336
00:12:35,621 --> 00:12:37,923
- I thought that was you.
- Hey! Hi!

337
00:12:37,956 --> 00:12:39,224
How's it going, man?

338
00:12:39,257 --> 00:12:40,492
"Man"?

339
00:12:40,525 --> 00:12:41,760
Natalie, this is Abbi, my old neighbor.

340
00:12:41,793 --> 00:12:43,028
"Old"?

341
00:12:43,061 --> 00:12:44,196
Hi, Zabby!

342
00:12:44,229 --> 00:12:46,231
- Nice to meet you.
- Oh, hi.

343
00:12:46,264 --> 00:12:47,733
And this is Milo.

344
00:12:47,766 --> 00:12:50,168
(Jeremy) Yeah.

345
00:12:50,202 --> 00:12:51,536
He adopted us.

346
00:12:51,570 --> 00:12:52,838
Wow.

347
00:12:52,871 --> 00:12:54,539
Congrats.

348
00:12:54,573 --> 00:12:57,542
I mean, and you're married,
that's... that's awesome.

349
00:12:57,576 --> 00:12:59,077
Oh, no, no, no.

350
00:12:59,111 --> 00:13:00,679
No, no, we're not married.

351
00:13:00,712 --> 00:13:02,114
She's not my property.

352
00:13:02,147 --> 00:13:03,615
- No, yeah.
- No, no.

353
00:13:03,649 --> 00:13:06,251
We're best friends. Soul mates.

354
00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:07,252
Co-parents.

355
00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:08,654
Wow.

356
00:13:08,687 --> 00:13:10,689
Um, yeah, obviously, you're not married.

357
00:13:10,722 --> 00:13:12,958
This is not what I do for a living.

358
00:13:12,991 --> 00:13:15,294
This is... I lost a bet, so that's why.

359
00:13:15,327 --> 00:13:17,296
Nice cards.

360
00:13:17,329 --> 00:13:18,830
Babe, we should get some.

361
00:13:18,864 --> 00:13:20,899
"Thank you" cards, for the
Planned Parenthood fundraiser.

362
00:13:20,932 --> 00:13:22,134
Oh, my God, that's a great idea.

363
00:13:22,167 --> 00:13:24,903
- These are great, Abbi.
- Thanks.

364
00:13:24,936 --> 00:13:27,272
Oh, I guess we need 'em all.

365
00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:28,974
How much do you want for all of these?

366
00:13:29,007 --> 00:13:31,543
Oh, uh... This... This...

367
00:13:31,576 --> 00:13:34,279
Like, uh, 80 bucks would be good?

368
00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:35,380
Totally reasonable.

369
00:13:35,414 --> 00:13:38,684
And I love helping struggling artists.

370
00:13:38,717 --> 00:13:40,485
Actually, you know what? Keep it.

371
00:13:40,519 --> 00:13:43,522
No, I don't... I can't. A hundred bucks?

372
00:13:43,555 --> 00:13:46,825
Okay, I mean that's...
That's a fair price.

373
00:13:46,858 --> 00:13:48,827
God, it's crazy running into you.

374
00:13:48,861 --> 00:13:51,063
Stay warm. Good to see you.

375
00:13:51,096 --> 00:13:52,931
You too, family.

376
00:13:52,965 --> 00:13:54,533
Say bye, Milo!

377
00:13:58,637 --> 00:14:01,874
I should be pounding that ass tonight.

378
00:14:09,648 --> 00:14:11,884
Hey, Margo, can you
watch my stuff for a sec?
379
00:14:11,917 --> 00:14:13,352
I got money to spend.

380
00:14:13,385 --> 00:14:14,987
Money is a mind control technique

381
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:17,289
that quantifies the
progress of the patriarchy!

382
00:14:18,223 --> 00:14:19,391
Yeah, I'll watch your stuff.

383
00:14:19,425 --> 00:14:21,093
Okay. Thanks.

384
00:14:21,126 --> 00:14:22,795
(sighs)

385
00:14:22,828 --> 00:14:23,929
An average-sized dick...

386
00:14:23,962 --> 00:14:25,130
Yes.

387
00:14:25,164 --> 00:14:26,865
Electoral college!

388
00:14:26,899 --> 00:14:29,568
Come on.

389
00:14:29,601 --> 00:14:32,471
Fat titties.

390
00:14:32,504 --> 00:14:33,839
Mike Pence!

391
00:14:33,872 --> 00:14:35,741
Focus, focus...

392
00:14:37,309 --> 00:14:40,312
Hairy taints...

393
00:14:40,346 --> 00:14:42,848
Tiny, tiny hands!

394
00:14:42,881 --> 00:14:44,083
Push through.

395
00:14:44,116 --> 00:14:45,517
Tap in.

396
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:47,052
You are powerful.

397
00:14:47,086 --> 00:14:48,053
You are woman.

398
00:14:48,087 --> 00:14:49,288
Yes.

399
00:14:49,321 --> 00:14:51,724
You... are... cum kween!

400
00:14:51,757 --> 00:14:53,993
Yes. No!

401
00:14:54,026 --> 00:14:55,094
Yes.

402
00:14:57,496 --> 00:14:59,898
When they go low, we go high.

403
00:14:59,932 --> 00:15:02,234
Women can get stuff done.

404
00:15:02,267 --> 00:15:03,969
(classical music playing)

405
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:17,750
(Ilana) He can never,
ever take away our cumming.

406
00:15:17,783 --> 00:15:19,852
Yes. Yes.

407
00:15:19,885 --> 00:15:21,445
Aah!
408
00:15:24,884 --> 00:15:26,186
Looking good.

409
00:15:26,219 --> 00:15:27,987
Just let that sink
in for a little longer

410
00:15:28,021 --> 00:15:29,422
before we hit the other side.

411
00:15:29,455 --> 00:15:32,692
So, uh, this is what you use personally

412
00:15:32,725 --> 00:15:33,760
to look so young, right?

413
00:15:33,793 --> 00:15:35,628
That and 20 of its cousins.

414
00:15:35,662 --> 00:15:37,931
It's hard to be beautiful these days.

415
00:15:37,964 --> 00:15:40,567
It is my full-time job,
but for most other women,

416
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:44,637
it's their second full-time
job where you're losing money.

417
00:15:44,671 --> 00:15:48,341
Anyway, while you're here,
can I do a little peel or...

418
00:15:48,374 --> 00:15:49,809
No, I... I don't need...

419
00:15:49,843 --> 00:15:51,945
Obviously, your chin is of concern.

420
00:15:51,978 --> 00:15:53,213
I thought I... I had a...

421
00:15:53,246 --> 00:15:55,648
like, a Reese Witherspoon chin.

422
00:15:55,682 --> 00:15:57,650
Or, I can make you whiter.

423
00:15:57,684 --> 00:15:59,652
Uh...

424
00:15:59,686 --> 00:16:01,688
You know what?

425
00:16:01,721 --> 00:16:05,091
I think that I'm, um... I'm okay.

426
00:16:05,124 --> 00:16:06,593
I think I'm good with just this one.

427
00:16:06,626 --> 00:16:08,528
This feels like a big deal.

428
00:16:08,561 --> 00:16:11,231
But that first side
hasn't settled yet, so...

429
00:16:11,264 --> 00:16:13,199
Yeah. Um...

430
00:16:13,233 --> 00:16:15,268
I'm feeling like I made
a little bit of a mistake.

431
00:16:15,301 --> 00:16:18,805
I found a gray hair and then
I ran into an ex of mine today,

432
00:16:18,838 --> 00:16:21,441
and I think I just got, like,
real swept up in that moment.

433
00:16:21,474 --> 00:16:25,211
'Cause I actually really like
the way that I look, you know?

434
00:16:25,245 --> 00:16:27,647
I think I'm really hot.
435
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:30,383
Usually. I usually feel super hot.

436
00:16:30,416 --> 00:16:32,785
But thank you so much.
You've been so kind to me.

437
00:16:32,819 --> 00:16:34,554
Um...

438
00:16:34,587 --> 00:16:36,089
And you know what?

439
00:16:36,122 --> 00:16:38,191
I think you're really beautiful.

440
00:16:38,224 --> 00:16:39,826
And I think that you would be

441
00:16:39,859 --> 00:16:42,090
even if you didn't do any of
this crazy shit to your face.

442
00:16:42,125 --> 00:16:43,363
(laughing)

443
00:16:44,931 --> 00:16:47,634
Oh, no. I laughed.

444
00:16:52,172 --> 00:16:54,407
(sighs)

445
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:56,543
Hey, drink up.

446
00:16:56,576 --> 00:17:00,246
You lost a lot of fluids
during that humongous orgasm.

447
00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:03,149
It's mostly weed, a little
ginger and some cumin.

448
00:17:03,183 --> 00:17:04,717
It's really good.
449
00:17:04,751 --> 00:17:05,919
I think I'm gonna cüm again.

450
00:17:07,253 --> 00:17:08,721
(shivering)

451
00:17:08,755 --> 00:17:10,590
(laughing) Yes!

452
00:17:10,623 --> 00:17:12,725
The floodgates are open now.

453
00:17:12,759 --> 00:17:15,361
You've got a lot of orgasming
to do after a year of

454
00:17:15,395 --> 00:17:17,263
(bleep)-related pussy constipation.

455
00:17:17,297 --> 00:17:19,966
I hate to 'gaz and dash,

456
00:17:19,999 --> 00:17:23,036
but I want to go tell Abbi
what "Abbi" accomplished today.

457
00:17:23,069 --> 00:17:24,437
Good.

458
00:17:24,470 --> 00:17:26,039
I can't thank you
enough for helping m...

459
00:17:26,072 --> 00:17:27,540
Oh...

460
00:17:27,574 --> 00:17:29,409
Ooh, it's happening again!

461
00:17:29,442 --> 00:17:30,410
Oh!

462
00:17:30,443 --> 00:17:32,679
It's gonna be a big one!
463
00:17:32,712 --> 00:17:34,380
Oh!

464
00:17:34,414 --> 00:17:36,683
I'm gonna have to get
these rugs cleaned.

465
00:17:36,716 --> 00:17:39,185
♪♪

466
00:17:39,219 --> 00:17:42,589
- Oh, Abbi?
- Ilana?

467
00:17:42,622 --> 00:17:45,325
Oh, my God, this timing is weird.

468
00:17:45,358 --> 00:17:47,293
- Are you sweating?
- What happened to your face?

469
00:17:47,327 --> 00:17:49,963
Well, I ran into Jeremy
and he's, like, married now.

470
00:17:49,996 --> 00:17:52,832
And then there was this dermatologist and
she looked like she was in her twenties,

471
00:17:52,866 --> 00:17:54,426
- but she was, like, in her fifties.
- Hot.

472
00:17:54,434 --> 00:17:56,269
And then I just felt
like it's cooler to be,

473
00:17:56,303 --> 00:17:57,971
like, hot and young than warm,

474
00:17:58,004 --> 00:18:00,440
but then as the Botox was
being injected into my face,

475
00:18:00,473 --> 00:18:02,075
I was like, it's...
it's cooler to be warm.

476
00:18:02,108 --> 00:18:03,977
Botox? Abbi, what?

477
00:18:04,010 --> 00:18:06,780
Oh, my God, my table's gone!

478
00:18:08,448 --> 00:18:09,749
Oh, my God!

479
00:18:09,783 --> 00:18:12,118
- Dude.
- Dude.

480
00:18:14,855 --> 00:18:16,523
"Dear Young Abbi,

481
00:18:16,556 --> 00:18:18,725
"at the start of the
winter solstice tonight,

482
00:18:18,758 --> 00:18:20,594
"come into the thicket of the park.

483
00:18:20,627 --> 00:18:22,696
You'll know when you've arrived."

484
00:18:22,729 --> 00:18:26,666
Oh, God, that is witchy!

485
00:18:26,700 --> 00:18:28,268
(exhales) Are you all right?

486
00:18:28,301 --> 00:18:31,571
I'm phenomenal.

487
00:18:31,605 --> 00:18:34,074
So my pussy hadn't
popped since the election.

488
00:18:34,107 --> 00:18:35,108
What?

489
00:18:35,141 --> 00:18:36,743
But Betty coached me through it.

490
00:18:36,776 --> 00:18:40,280
She tapped me into this
ferocious female current

491
00:18:40,313 --> 00:18:44,584
that is just constantly
zip-zap-zoppin'

492
00:18:44,618 --> 00:18:47,754
around the universe
like the speed of light,

493
00:18:47,787 --> 00:18:49,890
and I bazinga'd.

494
00:18:49,923 --> 00:18:52,926
- Hard.
- Oh, my gosh.

495
00:18:52,959 --> 00:18:55,195
It was just the most incredible thing.

496
00:18:55,228 --> 00:18:57,297
I saw shit, man.

497
00:18:57,330 --> 00:18:59,199
Witches who run the world.

498
00:18:59,232 --> 00:19:01,652
And witches aren't
monsters, they're just women.

499
00:19:01,653 --> 00:19:04,804
- Yes.
- They're (bleep) women who cum and giggle

500
00:19:04,838 --> 00:19:06,573
and play in the night.

501
00:19:06,606 --> 00:19:08,308
And that's why everybody
wants to set 'em on fire,

502
00:19:08,341 --> 00:19:09,743
'cause they're so (bleep) jealous.

503
00:19:09,776 --> 00:19:10,877
Dude, I don't know
why I ever doubted you.

504
00:19:10,911 --> 00:19:12,512
I'm in.

505
00:19:12,546 --> 00:19:14,481
(bird squawking)

506
00:19:17,584 --> 00:19:19,586
(women laughing and howling in distance)

507
00:19:19,619 --> 00:19:21,821
Do you... do you hear that?

508
00:19:21,855 --> 00:19:23,723
I think it's this way.

509
00:19:23,757 --> 00:19:25,825
I've never seen this
part of the park before.

510
00:19:28,128 --> 00:19:30,864
(laughing continues)

511
00:19:30,897 --> 00:19:32,699
What the frig? (laughing)

512
00:19:34,801 --> 00:19:37,170
This is, like, "The Crucible"
and "The Witches of Eastwick,"

513
00:19:37,204 --> 00:19:39,506
and Hillary Clinton
getting caught in the woods!

514
00:19:39,539 --> 00:19:41,741
(Betty) Ah.

515
00:19:41,775 --> 00:19:44,010
Cum kween.
516
00:19:44,044 --> 00:19:46,279
(Ilana) Betty!

517
00:19:46,313 --> 00:19:47,514
(Margot) Young Abbi!

518
00:19:47,547 --> 00:19:48,949
You found us!

519
00:19:48,982 --> 00:19:50,517
Ilana...

520
00:19:50,550 --> 00:19:52,352
Maybe we really are witches.

521
00:19:52,385 --> 00:19:53,486
Of course we are.

522
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:56,623
We're gigantic, humongous witches.

523
00:19:56,656 --> 00:19:57,937
- Join us.
- Oh, my God.

524
00:19:57,972 --> 00:19:59,492
Margo, you are just...

525
00:19:59,526 --> 00:20:00,861
Uh, you know what?

526
00:20:00,894 --> 00:20:03,096
I gotta go see about a girl.

527
00:20:04,264 --> 00:20:06,166
Please.

528
00:20:10,303 --> 00:20:12,138
(laughing and shouting)

529
00:20:19,346 --> 00:20:20,347
Hey.

530
00:20:29,155 --> 00:20:30,390
Hey, Ilana.

531
00:20:30,423 --> 00:20:32,859
It's period blood!

532
00:20:32,893 --> 00:20:35,362
(women howling)

533
00:20:39,299 --> 00:20:41,501
(howling and shouting continues)

534
00:20:46,566 --> 00:20:48,332
(Ilana) I'm gonna cum!

535
00:20:50,622 --> 00:20:52,372
Thank you so much for
buying me the heater.

536
00:20:52,405 --> 00:20:53,606
Of course, dude.

537
00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:55,708
Witches have to have each other's backs.

538
00:20:55,742 --> 00:20:58,344
What are you gonna do now that
you know you have magical powers?

539
00:20:58,378 --> 00:21:02,148
Well, I think I'm gonna
whip up a spell to get a job.

540
00:21:02,181 --> 00:21:03,616
Good call.

541
00:21:03,650 --> 00:21:06,953
It is so bananas that you got Botox.

542
00:21:06,986 --> 00:21:08,821
Yeah, it is.

543
00:21:08,855 --> 00:21:11,357
But to be for real, I'm like,

544
00:21:11,391 --> 00:21:13,860
I would get it if I wanted
it at some point in my life.

545
00:21:13,893 --> 00:21:15,261
Exactly.

546
00:21:15,295 --> 00:21:17,999
I also heard about this thing
where you can freeze your butt.

547
00:21:18,034 --> 00:21:18,798
They do that?

548
00:21:18,831 --> 00:21:21,935
Apparently, it makes it really
hard and shiny and grippable.

549
00:21:21,968 --> 00:21:24,170
Like a bowling ball, baby, yas.

550
00:21:24,203 --> 00:21:25,505
So what are you doing back there?

551
00:21:25,538 --> 00:21:27,574
'Cause it's just, like,
the one gray, right?

552
00:21:27,607 --> 00:21:30,009
Oh, yeah, just the
one. (nervous chuckle)

553
00:21:30,043 --> 00:21:33,146
(whispering) Thousand.

554
00:21:33,179 --> 00:21:34,514
Cool.