Psycho Spirituality

A deep journey into inner

labyrinths of mind

Manish Kadave
 Dedication
This book is dedicated to you.
 Introduction
My motive in writing this book is to share my tragic
experiences which changed my entire life. Whatever I
learned about the mind in my spiritual journey, I
want to share the wisdom so that people won’t make
mistakes as I made. I also wanted to shed some light
on the spiritual aspect of life. My knowledge is from
the direct experiences that I went through.
 Index

Dedication 2

Introduction 3

Index 4

1. The great beginning 1

1.1 Neurosis 1
1.2 Extreme rage episodes 6

2. The Awakening Process 10

2.1 The spiritual initiation 10
2.2 Diving deep into spirituality 13

3. The scriptural knowledge 18

3.1 The four mahavakyas 18
3.2 Scriptures failed to describe reality 22

4. The futility of the control of the Mind 26

4.1 Chasing Morality 26
4.2 The role of a guru 30

5.The beginningless veil 35

5.1 The ego 35
5.2 Lifting the veil of mind 37
5.3 The mind death 38
5.4 The dagger of lust 45
 5.5 The explosion of anger 50

6. The illusory Maya 55

6.1 The divine mirror 55
6.2 leap into unknown 58
6.3 Desire runs the world 59

7. Reality Beyond thought 65

7.1 The birth of thought 65
7.2 The primordial thought 70
7.3 Embracing who you are 71

8. Energy as an infinite spiral. 74

9. To realize that there is nothing to realize 81

9.1 Megalomania 81

10. Everything is indescribable. 84

10.1 Eternal life experience 84
10.1 Free will or predestined 85

11. What is, is what is 88

11.1 Beyond heaven and hell 88
 1. The great beginning

1.1 Neurosis

So basically my search for inner truth or reality began

from the most devastating situation which took place
in my life, which shook me to the very core of my
being. I hope that with my power of crafting words in
such a manner, I will try to take you into the
experience which I went through. Okay so this began
in the second year of my degree education in college,
and pretty much I was an obese guy and a very
hip-looking guy, always wearing skeleton printed
T-shirts, and thorn-like spiky hairstyle, having little to
no interest in studies always ready to Bunk classes
and have fun.

A true gamer always whacking the keyboard Keys as

my life depended on it. Gaming became a part and
parcel of my life as buns depend on Patty's, but as
you all know this age is very delicate. The age group
of 15 to 18 years. So everything was going great in
my life until an urge of having a girlfriend arose in
me. Yes, you may think this is not a big deal.
Everyone goes through this situation in this delicate
age group. But I was raised in a completely different

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manner than anyone else. I had a spiritual
background. I followed spiritual teachings from a
guru. I was initiated from the age of 4 at a very early
age. I was trained in all types of moral disciplines
since childhood. I was following instructions given by
my guru which I had to observe very strictly.

So for a guy like me, it became very frightening even

to think of having a girlfriend. In my college, there
was a really cute looking girl and the moment I saw
her, I wished in my mind that how great it would be if
I could have her as my girlfriend. I never talked to her
directly. She was just a classmate. She had a healthy
build body with a beautiful smile, which can invoke
anyone's desire for her. Then, as usual, I discussed
this matter with my close friends. So one of my
friends said to me, “Hey Manish, You are such a fat
guy and she will never accept you as you are, you
have to do something about your body”. And I said to
myself “Damn, I am fat and I don't look up to the
mark”. So I decided that I will lose my weight just for
her. Anyhow, no matter what it takes and the
countdown to hell began from that day. From that day
I knew I had to get her in any way possible. I quickly
ordered a bottle of fat loss capsules and the mission
began. I didn't even suspect what was coming on my
plate for a few months from now. So I took hold of
everything including my diet and exercise, popping
pills, and working out, but I forgot the fact that the
pills were powerful and the energy released in my
body wasn't completely used up in the workout. So

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this situation was very dangerous and It messed up
everything in my life at that point. So the energy
started going into my head, fueling my mind which
increased the thought process unknowingly. I wasn't
aware of this fact. I was losing weight day by day, but
my thoughts were also increasing day by day. There
were multiple trains of thought, anxiety was building
up, and somehow I managed to lose 14 kgs in two
months and everyone around started to appreciate
me. I also got elated a bit, but doomsday was coming
closer and closer. Which everyone was unaware,
everyone including my friends and family didn't know
what was happening with me.

So I lost 14 kgs. I looked a bit better. Not at all

handsome but a bit better than what I was before but
still I didn't have the guts to spit out the words in front
of her. I proposed to her as any cowardly ordinary
guys do. So I got anxious and posted a confession
on the college Facebook page.

Then after a few days when I was traveling to a

nearby place with dad in our car, I got a phone call
from an unknown number, which was an STD call. I
hesitantly picked up the call. After hearing just two
sentences, I got extremely anxious and felt like
someone stabbed me multiple times on my fragile
heart. The girl on the other side was a best friend of
the girl who I had a crush on. I still remember what
she said. She said that “You won't get any girl, You
try somewhere else”. Suddenly in a split second, all

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of my energy was kind of vacuumed into a deep void.
My heart was already beating in an unsynchronized
pattern because of the pills which I was consuming,
which led to the raging thought patterns, but
somehow I managed to keep myself up and I was
getting closer and closer to the day of Destruction.
Yes, the day of Doomsday. Minor signs of mental
disruption started day by day, which was noticed by
my friends and I rapidly started to lose my mind.

With minute overthinking, relating things and events

to one another, thoughts were banging me with their
might, like being hit by a hammer repeatedly.
Thoughts are energy and these raging thoughts were
rushing into my veins and arteries, resulting in
developing pressure inside me just like a pressure
cooker and I knew that the pressure won't release
from the cooker because of the faulty whistle and I
also knew that the only inevitable thing was the
bursting of the cooker. There was no other way out of
this mess.

My closest friend noticed my behavior. When I invited

him to my house to help him in solving his kept term.
He came home and I was on the terrace waiting for
him. I was posting some of my weird photos on
Facebook without any reason.

My Facebook posts didn't make any sense as friends

of my class who were on Facebook said that I had
lost my mind completely. But for me, everything

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nonsensical seemed fine. My best friend came and
saw me in this situation and he got confused. He
somehow figured out that I have completely lost it
because the way I was behaving with him was funny.
I was laughing out loud for no specific reason. He left
immediately without preparing for his kept term with
me. After a few days, my exam started. I still
remember the subject which I had during the exam
was AE-2.

I was just glancing at the only single diagram which I

drew on the first page of the answer sheet. At that
moment, I didn't take the paper seriously. I started
hallucinating and weaving an imaginary world out of
my thoughts.

I started overthinking, then Overthinking about

overthinking, and finally Overthinking About
overthinking and getting aware that I'm overthinking.
The insulting remarks which were given to me were
spinning in and out of my head. This was so messed
up. I just can't put it in words. My mind was playing
dangerous tricks with me. My mind successfully
tricked me into believing that my crush is waiting for
me at the railway station. After the three-hour paper
got finished, where for me even a single moment felt
like an eternity. I said to my best friend to come with
me to the station. My best friend tried to convince me
that I was hallucinating. But I didn’t listen to him and I
took him with me. He accompanied me to the station

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as he didn’t have any choice. I searched for her
everywhere, but I couldn’t find her.

1.2 Extreme rage episodes

Finally the night before the ultimate blast into oblivion

came. I will try my best to paint the picture of that
night. I was soaking wet with sweat, with earphones
on, and listening to the songs of usher. Anxiety was
building up from moment to moment, entangled in a
web of thoughts. I was crying silently in my room. By
mistake, I wasn't aware that I slept with the
headphones on and the songs of Usher still playing.

These songs entered into my subconscious while I

was sleeping and impacted my mind to the extreme.
I had a very frightening dream that night. I saw that
the girl which I had a crush on was kidnapped by
some people and she was held hostage in my
grandpa’s house. The thing I knew at that moment
was that I had to rescue her at all costs. Finally, the
cooker couldn’t sustain the pressure and it blasted
off. I woke up with headphones in my ear, songs still
playing, and the rage of 100 lions built up in my mind.
My subconscious mind got completely fried. Enraged,
I swiftly got up from my bed without thinking, took the
keys of my bike, and rode it on first gear to my

6
grandpa’s house. I was in the mode of killing
somebody. My grandpa's house was four kilometers
away from my house. My bike was roaring loud as I
throttled her to its limits.

I just kicked the hell out of my grandpa's door and

broke it into two pieces. I went searching inside the
house for her. My Grandpa couldn’t figure out what I
did and what happened at that moment. He was left
awestruck.

After searching into the house swiftly, I came out of

the house and again rode with my bike. Because now
I got a thought that she may be held hostage in my
college which was nearly 25 kilometers away. Yes,
you now may be thinking of this guy, what is he
speaking? Is it delusion or what? Yes guys you may
be thinking like that, but when the mind has an upper
hand over you, it plays such tricks on you that it can
make you do anything nonsensical. It can make you
do anything. It will show you heart-throbbing illusions.
So I just took my bike and embarked upon a journey
to my college.

In the Raging and thundering roar of my bike, I was a

man on a mission. I completely lost it. I didn't know
what was happening and why it was happening, but
the process, the moment, was very different like it
never happened something like that in my entire life.

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While I was traveling my bike just gave up on me
because I was riding it on first gear only. I also forgot
to change the gears of my bike and within one
kilometer of a toll booth it got stuck and I didn't know
what to do. I was talking to my bike. And I decided to
leave the bike then go and walk the distance.

But then I found out that I don't know what happened,

but I got into a lot of overthinking. Nothing was going
on as a fact. She was not in my grandpa's house nor
she was in college, all were illusions of my mind. My
mind was making up everything and then I started
walking and then I don't know why a guy from the
Tollbooth thought I was drunk and he decided to
leave me home and I don't know why I started
blabbering something and I said take me to my
home. He asked that where is your home? I told him
to take me to my grandpa's village. So I left the bike
there only and he took me on his bike and dropped
me at my grandpa's house. And when I went into
Grandpa's house. I got into his bathroom and started
crying there. I still had my headphones in my ear.

There were buckets of water. I started pouring water

on my head. I don't know what I was thinking but I
was trying to cool myself down or something. I don't
remember properly, but I was gone insane. Grandpa
noticed as I came back. He quickly called my dad
and dad also got surprised when he woke up that I
and my bike was missing. But when he got the news
that I came to my grandpa's house as Grandpa called

8
my dad, he came to see what happened.
Neighboring people arrived at grandpa's house
because I was screaming.

My thoughts were running at the speed of light. I was

blabbering everything, speaking nonsensically. No
one understood what had happened because they
had an image about me that I was a very good boy
because they have observed me for the last 18-19
years. How did this happen? Is he drunk? Everyone
suspected that I was drunk or something like that.
Then my father and my uncle picked me up and took
me home and on the very next day, I started
screaming and shouting in my home again. Many
people came to see me and many relatives gave me
a visit. They said that I was going crazy, take him to a
good hospital. My mom fainted many times seeing
my condition. My dad was also tense, my all relatives
were tense. They all tried to help me.

I was going to enter a mental Asylum but by God's

grace, I didn't have to go there. I was treated in two
different hospitals. In the first hospital, the doctor
advised my parents to give me shock treatment as
my case was out of control. Then I was moved to
another hospital where I was examined by a good
neuropsychiatrist and I recovered in four days by
consuming tablets. Then I came to an ordinary
normal human level in four days, and then I was
taken home.

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 2. The awakening
process

2.1 The spiritual initiation

As I said in chapter 1, I was initiated by a Guru at the

age of four. I had certain disciplines and teachings to
follow, and listen to what they say. There is the main
Guru and there were other sub gurus. They used to
take teachings from him and then used to distribute
the teachings to us. I was initiated into spirituality.

After the extreme rage episodes, panic attacks, and

everything, I started to wonder about life. Why did it
happen to me? Why was I the victim? I thought, “Why
is the world so cruel, why do people suffer?” I started
to question myself. I started to question everything. I
started to question, why things happen in a certain
way with some people? Why People are happy, why
are people sad? I started searching for answers to
the fundamental questions.

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I started looking out for life. I wanted to know life. I
wanted to know everything because I was under
psychiatric observation. I was consuming Psychiatric
drugs.

What is spirituality? We think Spirituality is about

Going to the Temples, worshipping an idol, chanting
mantras, and everything. This is spirituality we think.
But I wanted to know the deep waters because life
has shown me many things.

My parents used to say why my son is under

psychiatric treatment, why he has to suffer?. Then I
used to think like how did I decide to propose to the
girl? I mean if I hadn't proposed to her, I would have
never gotten into this trouble. If that one decision
could be altered, if I wouldn't have that desire for her,
then I would be living a different kind of life right now.

I got a year drop in my college only because of that.

I didn't study. So I wanted to know everything, I
wanted to know life and to know about people and
why people behave in certain ways, what are the
motives and what is spirituality. I know I was being
initiated by a guru and was under the influence of
him. Slowly and slowly I started to figure out things
why they are, as they are.

Many people don't know what is the truth and they

live their life on a Surface-level basis. Eat,
entertainment, sleep, repeat is their life cycle. Go to

11
the job, go to the work, have some relationships, Live
life in a certain way, and die. There are very few
critical thinkers about life.

Did I make my decisions or are the decisions made

by some other Entity? How are the decisions made?
We think we make decisions, but really who makes
the decisions is the real fundamental question. See,
a decision is based on many factors. Some of them
are known and can be named where some of them
are unknown and can’t be named. We are propelled
by something which can't be explained in words.

Our mind tries to analyze everything and analyze

every decision taken. It seems like the mind is taking
the decision. The mind means “I”. I am taking the
decision and if I wouldn't have decided to propose to
her, I would have a different life. So you will have two
options right. Either “I” takes the decision or whether
God is taking the decision.

Can we know from where our decisions come from?

From what point or center through which our
decisions in life arise? Can we know? I wanted to
know all this and I searched and read many spiritual
books, Geeta’s and ancient scriptures.

In India, Many of the Indians are initiated into

spirituality by some sects and organizations. We
follow the rules laid down by the Spiritual Authority.

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We have to follow it as my Spiritual Authority gave
the rules to me that I had to follow. I mean, they didn't
force anything on me. So the nozzle of the pistol is
always pointed towards ‘you’ because I accepted the
authority.

2.2 Diving deep into spirituality

An awakening process is a very arduous journey. I

mean if you make enlightenment a goal or a medal to
be worn, something that will boost your ego or your
sense of self, You will always miss it. It's not like that.
The awakening process is just a process through
which many people go and you are also in that
process right now while you are reading this book at
this very moment.

Life happens in a certain way like we just can't

explain every single bit of why this thing is like this or
that thing is like that. Our minds will analyze and give
some conclusions and it will say, for example, if there
is a flower, the mind has given specific names to it.
The mind says it's a rose, but let us think together in
this. Is the word Rose, that beautiful phenomenon
before your eyes. That phenomenon is a complex
structure, which is so enchanting, and do we come in
contact with that? Or are we just satisfied with the

13
name Rose? A name, a label given to that beautiful
something.

If you have ever observed a small child below the

age of three, he doesn’t have a mind. He has not
developed it yet. Because see if we just look back on
our lives, we can't remember anything before three
years of age.

We are blank, but our parents saw us playing here

and there at that tiny age. Our parents witnessed
everything. Our parents witnessed our childhood, but
we can't remember anything before the age of three.
Why? because the memory was not activated. We
were reacting to everything. If our father makes a
funny face, we would laugh. If we faced a lack of
food, we would cry. We did everything but the
memory was not developed properly at that age.

Our body was functioning normally, but we don't

remember anything. Society gives us the mind, and
what is the mind basically, it's just a combination of
pictures and words. We think in terms of pictures or
visuals and words. The baby can't think in that term,
so it's untouched by thought. The baby is
spontaneous. It is one with life. Life is running
through his veins and arteries and he is experiencing
the Bliss which even the renowned sages couldn't
experience.

14
So I decided to dive deep into spirituality and see for
myself what was hidden behind the veil of this
mysterious world. You can see a baby below three
years of age. He has no shame as he roams here
and there throughout the house, through people
without clothes. He's naked but he isn't shameful.
He's so innocent. You can see him see his innocence
in his eyes. But as soon as the child gets above three
years like a four or five he stops most of his activities
due to shamefulness.

The parents, the relatives start torturing him, they

start pushing their beliefs, values, and set of rules to
how to live a life. They just give to them. They say
this is bad and this is good. You have to do this, you
have to do that. A child from that very low age gets
confused and he almost loses his creative power at
that age because of the parents and relatives.

He was one with the force, but then he gets away

from that force. Because now the mind has entered
into the picture. The mind will say something. He has
developed a mind and what is a mind? It’s nothing
but a collection of thoughts. The mind is known as
Maya.

The word is used in the ancient scriptures of India.

I'm going to talk about that too. See in the very early
ages, The child is very curious about everything. You
can observe him, he asks so many questions and the
parents and relatives get fed up with those

15
philosophical questions. Questions like who invented
this universe? Who constructed this universe? Why
are the planets revolving like that? Why is the Sun so
big? Why does the tree have leaves on it? If the tree
has leaves on it why is it in green color? Why this
God? Why that God? Who is God? What is God? We
are very shameful. We don't know anything, but still,
we try to answer their questions to hide our
ignorance and make them quiet.

Because, as a child, I also went through the same

process. Every child goes through this process.
When I asked my parents some questions, they gave
me ready-made answers. They never said, “Hey,
son, I don't know why the leaves are green. I don't
know who is holding the universe”, but they said
something and we agreed on it. I think we don't have
answers to all the fundamental questions of life like if
god is there then why is there evil? If God is there
then why so discrimination? If God is there then why
Wars? But if we think about it, we see that man has
created so much around him with his mind,
super-fast railways, flying jet planes, but deep within
he is the same, as he was many thousand years ago.
Why can't men leave with each other at peace? Why
does he think that he should defend his beliefs,
values, and rules of living life?

All the religions have their theories. There are many

religions like Buddhism, Hinduism, Sufism, Zen,
Taoism, and many more. Everyone has developed

16
something or another. Or we can say a system of
thought. A System of how to live a life. according to
their fundamental inclinations and projections. Till the
age of 15, I honestly obeyed the guru and his
teachings by heart. I did prayers, chanted mantras,
and acted according to the given moral rules.

It was like I wanted to do something but the set of

rules given by the guru were different and I always
had this conflict in my mind. I was living in a split. So
the Raging episodes and panic attacks that
happened, I think this was the reason because I was
living in a conflict. I wanted to do something but I
couldn't and there was always a voice in me.

We never trust the voice. We try to fight it and escape

it. Yes, we can argue on this, is the voice echoing in
my mind an illusion, or is this voice of God who is
trying to guide me? What is the relationship between
me and god? What is god? What is me? Am I
different from God or am I, god? What is the meaning
of the word god?

What does the word god mean to us? I think we get

caught up in words so much that we fail to see the
reality behind the word. And I want to discuss
something which I touched deeply in my life and
Slowly and slowly I started losing all my questions
and I have become content in myself and
comfortable with not knowing anything about this vast
existence.

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 3. The scriptural
knowledge

3.1 The four mahavakyas

Okay now when I was on my journey, I read many

spiritual books and many philosophical books. I dived
deep and read almost many spiritual volumes which I
could access. So in the Vedas, there are given four
Mahavakyas or Ultimate statements which sums up
the teachings of Advaita Vedanta.

These four Mahavakyas or great sentences have

come from the four Vedas and I'm just going to
mention all of them.

1. Pragyanam Brahma from Rig Veda

and its meaning is that “Insight is
Brahman”.

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 2. Ayam Atma Brahma from Atharva
Veda and its meaning is that “This
self(Atman) is Brahman”.

3. Aham brahmasmi from Yajurveda and

its meaning is that “I am Brahman”.

4. Tat tvam asi from Samaveda and its

meaning is that “That ultimate
essence are you”.

Let me explain these statements. The first statement

says the presence of insight in us is Brahman.
Prajnanam refers to the intuitive truth which can be
verified by reason. A truly wise person is known as
prajna. The second statement says that the very
essence or core of my being is the ultimate reality or
brahman. The self in me is the self in all. The third
statement says that at any given point, I am the
supreme truth. The fourth statement says that the
supreme truth is none other than you. Many
scriptures tried to describe the reality, the truth, that
ultimate, that Supreme whatever you name it. They
have tried their best. They have said it's not like that,
It's not like this, It's not that, It’s this, It is formless, It
is form, It is beyond form and formless and many
things like that. What do you mean by scripture? The
scriptures were written by the ancient sages of India?
Yes, when these sages had gone in deep trance,
they got a view of the universe, its creation, and
everything and they tried to explain it in words.

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So I will talk about the Maha Vakyas or great
statements which have been described earlier. The
Maha vakya “Ayam Atma Brahma” from the Vedas. It
is described as the very self within me is the reality.
The very core of my being Is connected with the Holy
river which flows through eternity. Which has no
beginning and no end. Which is never disturbed by
time, which can't be conceived by thought. That
something which is inside of every human being from
every single atom to the multi universes.

The Mahavakya “Aham Brahmasmi”, What does that

mahavakya mean? It means that I am that reality. “I
am” means not the one which you're thinking of, the
individual. There is no such thing as an individual
first. We have to understand this. I will talk about it in
the later sections. Aham brahmasmi means that I am
the ultimate reality. That reality permeates me. There
is no “me” or sense of self in ‘Aham brahmasmi’. I
can't make sure if you can consume this. You may be
thinking what is this guy talking about? The very
notion of ‘me’, the ‘I’, ‘the ego’, ‘the identity’ gives
birth to Division in the whole cosmic Organism.

Aham Brahmasmi means that ‘I’ as an individual, do

not exist. The very notion of my ‘I-ness’ is fiction. And
even ‘I’ as everything does not exist, there is only the
reality, I don't exist at all as an individual. Not only the
Hindu texts but each sacred text of different religions

20
have tried to express the inexpressible. Each religion
has tried to explain its best with all its might.

So the scriptures tried the best but couldn't get so far

because Scriptures are nothing but products of
thought, and thought can never reach that which is
sacred. Many scriptures clash among themselves
because they were written by different sages at that
time. Everyone tried to explain in their way. Until and
unless there is an experiencer, whatever you
experience is a thought in the mind.

The reality of the Supreme truth couldn't be

described. Because how can you describe it? Words
are too clumsy and inadequate to describe it. Can the
word “water” quench your thirst? Can the word “food”
fill your stomach? Can the word “air” sustain your
life?

Words are only pointers to the truth or reality. But if

the person sticks to the words, the words will act as a
hindrance. So the sages of India named the reality as
Brahman. Brahman means to grow. The reality is
expanding at each moment. The moment you feel
you have understood the reality, that reality is stale
and has no value. Reality is vital and living.

So You have to understand this way. Does the word

Brahman mean “that”? You can read innumerable
ancient texts and scriptures, but these are just a
magical dance of words and nothing else. So you

21
may ask what is the path to reality. Then I will tell you
a great story. Once a man was dreaming in his house
which was situated in Mumbai. In his dream, he was
in New Delhi and started talking to himself that I need
to return to my house in Mumbai. He took a plane
and landed in Mumbai, then he took a cab and
arrived at his house. He felt joyful as he came to his
house, and suddenly he woke up. He saw that he
had never gone to Delhi, it was just a dream. He was
in his house in Mumbai the whole time. Similarly, the
truth is simple and is available to everyone at any
instant, but the mind veils it and produces illusions.
the mind prevents us from seeing the truth. There
cannot be a path to where you already are right now.

3.2 Scriptures failed to describe

reality

Everyone who has read different various scriptures

thoroughly will conclude that the reality is not in the
scriptures. They will say scriptures are just a play of
words. It's just a beautiful dance of letters and
symbols. Anyone can get caught in this sweet trap of
words just as how a child is given different toys to
play with any forgets the mother. He is given different
types of toys where some are mechanical as well as
some are battery-operated. Some are fluffy while

22
some are solid. Some consist of metal while some
are constructed in plastic. The child is completely
amazed by them. We can see a different kind of
luster in his eyes. He jumps on them. He plays with
them, shuffling each toy with a new toy again after
some time, back to the old one and he loses himself
in them. Primarily the main objective of toys,
whichever it might be is to give happiness. A sense
of fulfillment to the child. Similarly who are
passionate about learning and studying the scriptures
vigorously gives them temporary happiness and a
sense of fulfillment but is the happiness given by the
toys comes nearby the mother, who gives the toys
herself. Obviously no. The mother knows that his
child can be kept engaged in toys for some time. But
when he gets fed up with the toys, he seeks for the
mother or we can say the source of toys. He cries
and cries so that the mother may notice him. He
mutters to himself that I don't want any more toys, I
want you, mother. And when the mother comes and
picks up the child, the toys vanish for him which has
eluded him from time immemorial and he enjoys the
bliss of his mother similarly when the futility is known
for the person studying the scriptures. He gives them
up and yearns for the reality which is beyond the
words.

Words seem stale to him. Now he knows that the

word ‘water’ won't quench his thirst. Now he is
completely convinced that the word Brahman is not
the reality. It is like a person who wants to show us

23
the moon and is pointing a finger towards it but we
take the finger for the moon and remain there.
Similarly all scriptures in the world point towards
reality, but we just cling to the finger completely
forgetting about the moon. A very ancient zen master
was sitting in his room drinking a cup of tea while a
disciple came and started a discussion with him on
Zen. After listening to the disciple thoroughly, the
master put down his cup of tea and said to the
disciple, “The only problem with you is that you are
too much zen”.

After reading the scriptures, I was caught up in the

words. The word ‘Reality’, ‘Brahman’ gave me a bit of
satisfaction. I was happy with the words, But
something I felt was missing.

The scriptures were an excellent attempt to define

the indefinable. To describe the indescribable. That
something. The river, I can say the holy river through
which the universe flows and all the beings move
through its power. All the actions take place from that
holy river. The scriptures have come flowing through
that.

See, your dad has witnessed your birth, but you

couldn't witness the birth of your dad because he is
older than you similarly the scriptures come under
the categories of Maya which is the mind. How much
do you try to learn, study and recite this? But it won't
be enough. Because you will be full of knowledge

24
and you won't see the thing as it is, as it is. Each
moment your mind will be full of scriptural knowledge.

In Shiv Sutra, I have read that “knowledge is

bondage”. Knowledge will keep you in bondage
forever, because knowledge is always old.
Knowledge comes from thought and thought is
always old and stale. Even if you read the scriptures
and become a pundit, it will not humble you but get
you elated a lot.

25
 4. The futility of the
control of the mind

4.1 Chasing morality

so why I have given a title like this. Because we are
being trained from childhood by our parents,
teachers, and relatives that we should control our
mind. We should control our thoughts. We should
control our emotions. We should control everything.

So what does the word ‘mind’ mean to you? What

does the word ‘mind’ mean to me? What does the
word ‘mind’ mean to us? So mind means a voice in
our head, multiple voices in our head combined
together, string together, and woven together in an
infinite structure. I should say a fictional entity, but for
now, let us say it is an entity in our head which
speaks and chatters day and night throughout and
we are fed up with this, right. Am I right?, because I
also have gone through that process of controlling
the mind, controlling the thoughts, and if we have a
bad thought, we try to get rid of it, and if we have a
good thought we try to retain it in our life. I can say
that our life gets wasted in this futile conflict because

26
I too wasted my life in this. But If you can see to
show the futility of the control of the Mind one has to
be initiated into deep control of the mind. Okay, so
what do I mean by that? I mean that If you want to
convince a man that the Earth is round but he has a
belief that the Earth is flat. So, In many ways, if you
try to convince him that the Earth is round, he won't
listen to you. So the only method to convince him is
to tell him that “Hey Brother, Where are you standing
right now from there, just keep moving forward in a
straight line and you will get to the edge of the earth”.
He just goes straight forward and tries to get to the
edge of the Earth. After walking for almost the whole
circumference of the earth, he returns to his original
position from where he began in the first place. Now
he is completely convinced that the earth is round
because he has experientially realized it.

So this is the technique I should say the secret

technique and only many few people get this
technique of the futility of the control of the Mind
because mind means activity. Mind means
restlessness, and there cannot be something like
‘peace of mind’. There is no such thing as peace of
mind. Where there is peace, there is no mind. Okay, I
will talk about it in further sections about “no-mind”.
But see how our life is ruined with this concept of
control. The controller is also a thought and the
controlled is another thought. It means that one
thought is trying to modify another thought, and
where there is control, there must be conflict. The

27
conflict between “what is present right now” and
“what should be there”. If any desire arises in our
mind, half part of the mind starts chasing that desire
and the other half part runs away from it. So we are
always in this mental turmoil. We get anxious. So
what does anxiety mean? Anxiety means that you
are worrying about your worrying, and it goes into an
endless loop.

So you have to understand that the mind is like a

river flowing. Very harsh river with stones, debris, and
everything. It is just flowing. And you are deep into
the waters. You are drowning, you are screaming,
you have been completely taken away by the river.
but if you can just observe the river, its beauty, its
vigor, its strength, its glamour, its richness just by
standing at the bank of the river, you will feel a sense
of separateness. You will feel and notice a distance
from you and your mind. This observation of the mind
is known as “witnessing” or “Sakshi bhav”, and this
comes from observation. The total awareness of our
thoughts, our feelings, and our emotions. Just see
how our mind or how our mechanism works. This
includes how we talk, how we speak, how we act,
why we smile, why we cry, and everything when it is
looked upon.

Then there is no need to control the mind. I mean,

why do you want to control the mind? Because you
are chasing, either morality or either some ideal. So
what do I mean by that? I will give an example. You

28
are a very lusty person and when you see a woman,
a very deep desire invokes suddenly in you. so the
desire is a thought with a certain amount of energy
and again another thought comes with it and says,
“Don't think about that girl”. This thought springs from
the moral teachings which you have acquired from
many different people around you. So your one half
of the mind is saying to see and observe the girl and
the other half is trying to prevent you from doing that.

So what is chasing morality? We have been given

some moral values from our relatives, parents, gurus,
and everyone. They give you certain moral values.
They say stay in those moral values and your life will
be sorted out. We function based on a reward
system. We try to act morally only because we are
being awarded something in this life or the future life.

But if you want to see the mechanism of the mind in

its full operation, then you have to observe your
thoughts without judging or condemning them. After
multiple panic attacks I had in my past, I thought to
enquire into my mind, leading me to explore the
feeling of anger. After thorough consideration of the
available statistics I had, observing them, and
thinking about them, the source of my anger was
narrowed down to many parameters, but the true
source of all, this is morality as far I have
experienced. It's been said that we have a good self
and a bad self.

29
We have been strictly hammered that the good or
saint self should and must win the battle against the
bad or animal self. Our entire lives are spent in
conflict among these two selves. Good and bad,
virtue and sin are only on the level of mind.

4.2 The role of a guru

So after a lot of thinking I have come to one

conclusion that the guru is nothing but a good
trickster. Okay, so what do I mean by a trickster? A
guru indirectly shows you the futility of the control of
the mind by employing us with strict techniques to
control the mind. Okay, so ego loves challenges,
right? When the task of controlling the mind is given
to the ego or us, we do our best to control the
thoughts. We suppress, deny, escape from our
desires, emotions, Sensations.

But finally, we come to see that, we try to inquire who

is the controller? Who wants to control the mind?
what is that entity that wants to control the mind? Is
not the entity another thought? So guru plays a very
subtle and vital role here. He has his bag of tricks
ready to throw upon the disciples. The only way to
show that the ‘ego’ or the ‘I’ or the ‘individual’ does
not exist at all is to take that ego or ourselves to our

30
extreme limits. It takes time to understand that
nothing can be done to improve ourselves because
the separate self or ‘individual me’ is fiction.

While chasing ideals, what do I mean by an ideal?

The ideal means “I don't like the way I am, I want to
become like someone else''. Achieve some
moralistic values and become a saint or something
like that. And ego tries self-improvement, to become
a saint but it fails every time. This process will go on
till the ego finds the futility in doing that. Because an
ambitious ego can be challenged by higher and
nobler tasks and levels. For example, when the
ambitious ego thinks, “I have controlled lust, I have
mastered lust”, the guru will give another challenge
and he will say, “Okay, now you have controlled lust,
now you try to control anger”, and the ambitious ego
will try to control anger. The ambitious mind will try to
conquer anger. He will see that in some time,
depending on the ambition of the person, he will see
the futility of controlling and conquering.

He will see his existence as there is no ‘separate

self’. There is no ‘individual’, there is no ‘I’ who is
controlling? Who is the controller? Because life is
whole or we can say holistic. The controller is nothing
but the controlled, they are not separate. Just as a
cloth is weaved by threads, different types of threads.
If you pull one thread the other threads get affected.
Similarly, this universe is a whole system and it's very

31
complex and everything and each other are
interconnected minutely.

So the final understanding happens when the ego or

we think that, we can do nothing to improve
ourselves to make ourselves better. To make us like
a saint. To make us moral, to make us like our ideals.
Because I also tried to be like my guru. I took him as
a role model, but whenever I failed in my endeavor of
morality, I used to do it again the next day. If I failed
in the battle of anger today, I would do it the next day.
I did it till I realized that I don't exist at all as an
individual self. I am like a hollow pipe. The energies
move within me, through me and out of me at their
appropriate moment and I felt a certain lightness in
my heart when I realized the fact that there is nothing
which I can do to improve myself, to get one step
above the universe, because things are as they are,
perfectly in harmony.

But the ambition runs in materialism as well as in

spiritualism. If you are trying to become something in
the spiritual world, You will never attend the truth.
Because to see the truth, the Mind should be very
silent. I don't mean the silence which is brought about
by breathing exercises, mantras, or anything other
techniques. I am not talking about the silence of that
kind. The real silence comes when the mind
understands its mechanism. Then the mind becomes
extremely quiet and, in that, we are like an empty but
alert void. So from my understanding, I can say that

32
the mind is past and future. Mind is desire and the
mind runs the universe.

For example, if we didn't have a thought erupting in

us, we wouldn't act upon it and if we wouldn't act
upon it, we wouldn't put a dent in the universe. We all
are putting dents in the universe. We all are
modifying, playing with the planet Earth and each day
many people are doing some certain kind of actions
as they are impelled from the mind.

We are stuck in our past in our memories and we are

anxious about the future. We want things to be in a
certain way. But listen, don't try to control the flow of
the wind. What do I mean by that? The wind knows
the direction of its course, with its levels of intensity,
pressure, and speed. Similarly, the universe functions
on its intelligence. Intelligence is different from
everything. It doesn't belong to us. It doesn't belong
to you. It doesn't belong to me. It doesn't belong to
anyone. Universal harmony Is present at every
moment in our life, we just failed to notice it. So when
we are in harmony with the universe, what does it
mean? We have gained a balance between action
and non-action. Our decisions take place but we feel
like the decisions are not ours. They are taken by
themselves if I may put it like that. We don't know
where our decisions come from, right? We don't
know where our thoughts come from. The problem is,
we say these are our thoughts and identify ourselves
with them. Thoughts are like birds flying in the

33
Limitless Sky of the Mind. As the bird leaves no Trail
in the sky similarly the thoughts come and go but if
we attach ourselves to them, then we suffer.

34
 5.The beginningless
veil

5.1 The ego

Now we will talk about the ego. What is the ego?
What does the word mean? The word ego means an
identity, a label given to a particular individual. The
very sense and feeling of “I-ness” is ego. The very
mark of individuality is known as an ego. So the ego
gives us a special feeling of separateness from the
whole world. Ego creates duality. Ego creates ‘you’
and ‘me’. The more thoughts you have, the more
egoic sense is strengthened. Similarly, less the
thoughts you have, weaker is the sense of ego.

It is shown in the Vedas that the Supreme reality was

all alone by itself and it wanted to experience itself.
So to experience itself, he must separate from
himself, to experience himself from another point.
Similarly, the ego wants to function as an individual. I
am separate from this universe. The feeling of
separation is known as ego. Name, structure, and
labels give the sense of egoic feeling. Now we have
been told by many spiritual leaders that we should
get rid of the ego. Now, what do you mean by getting
rid of the ego? Getting rid of the ego is also a subtle

35
mechanism of the ego. The ego functions only in
separation, the ‘sense of you’, you are feeling right
now. The thoughts in your head going right now.
Gives a sense of individuality to you. So in many
scriptures, it is said that the ego is a devil. So how to
kill this devil?

We have tried many methods. I practiced humility

which was taught by my guru and the ego game goes
on there, too. The ego says, “I am more humble than
you”. “Let's see who has more humility”. “Let’s
compare who bows down in front of the guru in a
proper way”. The subtle competition is still there.

So, how can ego get rid of itself? I mean, how can
the ‘I’ get rid of itself? To do that, first, we have to
inquire about its nature. Inquiry means to see if the
ego is there or not. If it’s there, then we can’t get rid
of it and if it’s not there, there will be no need of
getting rid of it.

You can't cut a shadow away from yourself. You have

to understand that and to understand that you have
to go on an ego trip. So what does an ego trip mean?
An ego trip means trying to get rid of your ego with all
your might.

And when you realize the futility of trying to get rid of

the ego. The ego is seen as it is. In my case. I have
seen that many times I have felt as if I am different
from the voice in my head. As if I am watching The

36
 Voice, and there's a gap between me and the voice
in my head.

5.2 Lifting the veil of the mind

The mind has deluded many people since time
immemorial. The mind contains everything, every
aspect of the universe but in itself it is nothing.
Hinduism developed a theme known as Moksha.
Moksha means Liberation from the cycle of birth and
death.

Buddhism had its theme known as Nirvana. In the

ancient scriptures, there are Four yugas or time
sectors of the universe. They are known as Satya
Yuga, Treta Yuga, Dwapar Yuga, and Kali
Yuga(current time sector running). All these yugas
run for different amounts of time and years. So they
run in crores of years and people got fed up living like
this and they came up with the term known as
Moksha. Moksha means liberating from this birth that
cycle.

But If you make moksha a goal to attain or to

achieve, you will always miss it because Moksha or
Liberation is in the present, in the ‘timeless now’. It is
happening right now, but the mind is so chattering
with its problems, anxiety, and delusions that the

37
mind can't see it and conceive it. In the very
conceiving of Moksha, there is the death of the Mind.
I'm not talking about physical death, it will occur at its
particular time, but I am talking about the death of the
Mind.

5.3 The mind death

When the mind death happens, there lies the

moksha. But desiring moksha is also a desire. You
have to come to a point where you don't care about
birth and death cycles and liberation. True Liberation
is giving up the pursuit, the ambition of achieving
moksha or achieving nirvana. That is not a goal to be
attained. That is not a medal to be worn on your
neck. Moksha is your true nature. You don’t have to
do anything to achieve it, It's already yours.

If everybody got moksha, the universe wouldn't run.

Are you getting my point? See if everyone gets
spiritually high and propelled towards moksha at a
single time, the universe will stop running at that
moment because to run the universe you need
desire. It is the fuel to run the universe. So here lies a
clever argument that some people are pre-selected
for liberation and some people are selected for
running the universe? This type of Doubt exists till we

38
think we are separate individual beings yearning for
moksha. I am a particular being. I need to Commit to
virtues and stay away from sins so that I get
rewarded with moksha. In this pursuit, the ‘I’ or the
ego still remains as a seeker. There is still a sense of
self, and where there is a sense of self, there is no
love. The ego is seeking something eternal. The
mind wants to grasp “that”. That which has been
spoken by various spiritual masters from time to time.

The mind desires that because, in everyday life in

everyday turmoil, the mind gets fed up and wants to
get the taste of moksha or nirvana. Now if we
inquired deep enough to see that, who wants the
moksha and who wants nirvana? The immediate
answer which will pop up in our head is, “Of course, I
want nirvana, I want moksha”. If we inquire deeply
into that too then, who is this ‘I’ who wants moksha?
Who is this ‘I’?

After very deep inquiries, you can find that you exist
on two levels. From my experience, As manish, I
exist, I can say I exist. The one saying that is the
mind. On another level, I can't speak anything about
it. Because When I say I'm Manish and when I go
into deep meditations deep within myself, I don't find
any thought in me. I don't find any movement in me
and I can say if I can put it like this, “I don't find me”.
So here we can say it's a paradoxical statement that I
exist at one level, But still, I don't exist at another
level.

39
This Cosmic play can be understood only by inquiring
into your real nature. Now, what do you mean by real
nature? How can words describe our real nature?
What is it? Even if I try to describe it, I will try to
describe it in words. Is the word that, the ultimate
undefinable everything? How can word come up on
that?

From my experience, I experienced mind death,

almost three years ago when I was reading a book by
the great spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle, The Power
of Now. When I was reading that book, for some time
I felt for the first time that my mind was completely
off. It felt like someone had switched off my mind. I
came in direct contact with my surroundings for the
first time. I saw the glamour of the curtains, the
glistering paint on the wall, the old furniture of my
room as if everything was new.

When we see anything without mind, we perceive

that directly. What do I mean by that? Now for
example if I am walking on the road and I see a dog
nearby. So when I look at the dog, my mind has
various data about different types of dogs, their
colors, their shape, and when I see that dog, I get an
image of a pre-existing dog or data of some other
dog and I try to compare with that. So in that
comparison, I don't look at the dog directly. I am
looking upon a memory of some other dog. I don't
come across the richness of the fur, or his divine

40
eyes, or his cute tail. That very complex thing
standing beside me, I cannot perceive it directly, If
my mind is in the way. The mind will build images of
everything. The mind will say ‘I have seen this type of
dog before. I have seen many beautiful dogs before.
The mind can't perceive it directly. So from my
experience when the death of the mind occurs, we
enter into a state of no-mind. The mind now doesn't
function as a mind, but still functions as a whole mind
I can say, or a holy mind.

Many years before I used to try to suppress my mind

through mantra and breathing techniques. That gave
me some time of relief but the mind used to get out
its usual chattering again and again. But now as soon
as my mind stops thinking, I enter into a different kind
of world. I could say it's like a magical world where
time stops. And you are directly mesmerized by the
River of Life.

When the mind shut’s down and becomes

extraordinarily still, I mean not mechanically by some
practice, but when the mind sees its limitations, that It
sees its futility, it gives up and it automatically shuts
off itself, and then the whole world turns magical like
a dreamland A simple green leaf on the tree will look
like a jewel to you. Scattered Stones on the beach
will be like marvelous rubies to you. It will feel like
you are seeing the world for the first time. Now, I
don't know how it happens or how the process
happens. When you have tried everything that you

41
could try in the spiritual attainment and seen the
futility. The mind goes off on its own or we can say by
the grace of the intelligence of the Divine. The mind’s
death can be a fearful experience or an extraordinary
experience as you perceive it. It will be fearful
because many people will think if my mind dies off, I
will die. But it's not like that. When the mind sees that
it will die, It will wither off, It will stay away from
silence. The mind will keep you occupied. mind is
occupation. Mind is always occupied with thoughts of
today, tomorrow and day after tomorrow, and years
later. What happened 5 years or 10 years ago.

And we are familiar with this dimension of mind. I too

was in this dimension of mind and because of that, I
ran into overthinking a lot, which turned into anxiety
and finally into psychotic rage episodes. But now I
think that if that event would not have taken place in
my life, today I would have not seen this beautiful no-
mind situation in my life. The fabric of existence has
spread out till eternity and each and everything is so
entwined into one another that you can't separate
one thing from another. Every circumstance is plotted
in a beautiful manner which leads us from one thing
to another in a synchronized manner. People, events,
and situations are connected through a thin thread of
the divine cosmos.

If you are reading this book that shows that you are
ready and you are awakening from the dream. You
are ready to soar high in the vast timeless skies.

42
Even while writing this book, I'm trying to put that
indescribable something into words and my mind just
starts shutting off. True spiritual teachings are heard
loudest in the deep valleys of stillness. At last, the
mind reveals its real nature as the void. The void is
empty to contain anything and full with the glory of
the sacred. I perceive that which is within and
without, which is everywhere. Which is in the atoms
and the universe. That unspoken truth which you are
experiencing right now, but the mind and the
thoughts are veiling it.

But you have to understand that you shouldn't try to

get a silent mind. Why do you want a silent mind? Do
you want to gain an upper hand over the universe by
rejecting ‘what is’? Have infinite patience. A silent
and occupied mind is both given by grace. Be
thankful for whatever you have right now, and the
grace will shower on you in its appropriate moment.
when the fruit is ripe, it automatically falls off the tree
without any kind of effort. Effortlessness is the key.

You are always one with the Divine, but you don't
experience it on an ordinary basis. The River of
eternal Life is flowing through you, within you, as you
everywhere. In the roots of the huge trees, in the
rocks of the huge mountains, In the dust of every
dessert, In the bubbles of every ocean. Now if you try
to understand it intellectually with your brain, with
your mind, you won't get anywhere near it. If you try

43
to get near to reality, you will always miss it because
you are doing and your efforts are not going to do
anything. You have to just let it be. Remain as you
are right now. Don’t force it, play with it.

Just leave your mind as it is. Let it jump from one

branch to another one thought to another one desire
to another, you just observe, just be aware. Aware of
every movement of your mind. Don't try to suppress,
or stop any kind of thought or emotion.

Just see everything as it is. The disturbance in your

mind and the silence of the mind, are both sides of
the same coin, you have to realize this. This is the
final truth. The disturbance in your mind is given by
the divine grace, the silence in your mind is also
given by the divine grace. You have to understand it if
you understand this everything will fall into its place.

44
5.4 The dagger of lust
From the very beginning of humanity, this powerful
force has played a lot of significance in driving the
world. This raw force can make humans do anything.
So all the ancient teachers have taught us to
Suppress desire, suppress lust, suppress our
feelings and we have been doing that since our teen
years. We have been suppressing our feelings and
due to that suppression, this force comes out of us in
very perverted ways. Today's pornography is the
result of that perverted way of expressing the
creative force of lust. So if we see lust as a power
that is used in this world for creation, it is a very
beautiful force. We get feelings of guilt when we have
sexual thoughts in our minds. We try to run away
from it, we try to escape from it, or we try to condemn
it. We start commenting on our feelings and thoughts,
but if we just observe our feelings how it arises and
how it makes our mind unsteady, if we can observe
this throughout then there will be no need of
suppression. You can't run away all your life. Lust
can be invoked in any form throughout your life. It
can be invoked by seeing a beautiful woman or man.
So when the mind fights with something, it becomes
occupied with the thought and then the mind takes
the shape of the fighting thought. It becomes and

45
behaves like that. If your mind fights from lust
constantly, it will occupy itself every time by lust
because I have experienced this when I tried many
ways to suppress my feelings and Sexual thoughts
and it resulted in me having different kinds of
perversion.

I felt chained down because of this constant fighting

and battling against lust. After reading the book
named ‘sex to superconsciousness’ which was
written by a renowned spiritual master named Osho,
he described that this powerful force of creation is
given by God and his grace. Fight with him because
he gave you this power.

Whenever I saw any girl, I used to get frightened a

lot, I used to chant the mantra in my mind to save me
from these lusty thoughts. The more I tried to run
away from the thoughts, they attacked with greater
power.

Osho wrote in his book that, the man who is

constantly chanting the name of Lord Ram, is being
tortured by lust from within. He was completely right,
I was doing the same thing. When osho’s book
taught me and educated me on this issue, he said
that the devil of lust if taken seriously can cause
great damage. If this devil is taken very playfully, the
devil loses its power completely. The way I'm feeling
right now is different as I felt 3 or 4 years ago. Before
my mind used to be fully occupied with sexual

46
thoughts but now they are very minimal in volume
and they don't bother me as they used to bother me
before. Osho said that the man who is full of love
doesn't have sexual thoughts. Only the man who is
not full of love thinks of sex all the time.

I see these thoughts as beautiful butterflies flying in

the garden. I take them playfully. I don't create a
problem out of it. Now, these thoughts appear in my
mind. They are only on the surface level. They don't
disturb my tranquility. Through my experience, I can
say that suppressing these thoughts will bring no
good and will do only harm. With a playful attitude,
allow these thoughts to flow in your mind. Let the
power of creation flow through you. Observe, See
how the body reacts to these thoughts. Feel the
sensations.

You have to observe everything and awareness is the

key. If your mother and father didn't have any sexual
thoughts, you wouldn't be here on this planet. So this
force is the spiritual force. When it flows downwards,
it becomes animalistic when it flows upwards it
becomes divine.

As you take this force very playfully and not seriously,

the devil loses its power and you move towards the
divine, to ascend to the heights where nothing can
touch you. I don't mean to say you will have no
thoughts, thoughts will be there but it will not affect
you as they would affect you before. You always

47
have to do self-inquiry. You should ask yourself, “to
whom do these thoughts appear?” You have to
inquire into yourself. Whatever I'm saying, don't
accept that. You question everything. I'm speaking
from my own experience. But still, it's my experience.
It will be true to you when it will be your experience.
Research has proved that 90% of mental problems
are due to the suppression of sexual thoughts and
desires. My psychotic rage episodes were due to that
only, due to suppression of sexual thoughts and
desires. When you see this force as it is, then the
body and mind will act spontaneously.

I tried to cut this powerful force through prayers,

mantras, chanting hymns, and surrendering myself to
God. I tried everything. I cried several times due to
the agony I faced because of these lustful thoughts. I
took all the thoughts seriously and personally.

But when I started practicing awareness I saw the

thoughts as they were, as natural as birds flying in
the vast skies of my mind. So never try to flatten the
waves of the ocean through a flat iron, you will never
succeed.

All the techniques and all the formulas to control

these kinds of thoughts have failed. And they are
made in such a way to make the Seeker realize that
you can't do anything about anything and you have to
accept everything as it is.

48
So whenever we get a sexual thought we feel guilty.
We think how sinful person Am I? Who is getting this
kind of thoughts? So if we inquire deeply into this
topic, what are sexual thoughts? It's the power of
nature. These thoughts are a sign of the creative
force. Creation happens through people. Many poets,
high achievers, writers were too sexual and
passionate.

I sometimes suspect a conspiracy laid by the spiritual

masters and leaders. They said to cut out these
types of thoughts from our mind and suppress them,
and use techniques to suppress them. I think they
knew the futility of doing it but to explain to us, It has
to be put in that way so that we will also see its
futility. First try to control it and then see the futility of
it. In the scriptures, there are many episodes of
sexual desires ruining the life of the ancient sages. I
will give one example. There was a Rishi named
vishwamitra. He did a strict Penance for 60,000 years
and he said he has gained mastery over all his
senses, all his thoughts, and all aspects of his mind.
To test him out, the god Indra sent a beautiful lady to
him to check his ability. The sage, having gained so
much penance, got weak before her and they both
indulged in sex. He then repented and when he came
to his senses, he said what I have done. So the point
of the story is suppressing will only boost your ego
because you will count the days, the thoughts you
have suppressed. You will think you achieved

49
something. You will think you have gained something.
It will give a boost to your sense of self.

For example, let's take manure. It is something which

we use in gardens. It stinks and smells a lot. but
when the same manure is used to increase the
fertility of plants. Many beautiful flowers bloom out of
it. Similarly, this force Is on the base level, It's
polluted. But as this force is understood in its
operation, it will bloom into beautiful flowers.

5.5 The explosion of anger

Anger is a powerful force. In anger, a man can

defend something or can kill something. In anger,
man can save something. In anger, man can do
something which cannot be done in ordinary
circumstances. Now when the thought of anger
arises in our mind, that I am very angry and I need to
be non-violent. So the very denying of the thought,
give rise to conflict. You are chasing an ideal, a
non-violent ideal. The fact is that you are having
anger issues. You are having angry thoughts and you
are trying to cut it by having a non-violent ideal. So
anger can arise in many ways. Anger arises when
things don't go according to our mind, according to
our will, or according to our desire.

50
Have you watched yourself when you are in anger?
When you are in anger, you become the anger and
afterward you realize that you have done some
ungrateful act and you repent on it. During my
psychotic rage episodes, I don't even remember what
I was blabbering and acting like a Caged animal. We
don't know from where these angry thoughts arise.
Each thought has its power. It has its energy
signature, and to manifest that energy it takes charge
of the body.

So here also awareness is the key. You have to

observe your anger, see how it gets born in your
mind. See its power, feel its power, become one with
it. Live it completely, without denial or acceptance.
That's the way, to understand the force of anger. A
few months ago, I was sitting in my hall and my mom
made some derogatory comments at me. At that very
instance, at that very moment, I saw the birth of
anger, The birth of the thought, I saw it in slow
motion. I was witnessing the anger. I also reacted in
an angry tone, but this time I was aware of my anger.
I was simultaneously angry and aware. So as I
became aware, suddenly my anger disappeared.

Then I understood the fact that I don't have to control

my anger. Just by becoming aware, not condemning
my anger. I saw the workings of that force in reality.
What we try to do is, when we get these angry
thoughts, our memory steps in and says, ‘hey don't

51
do anger, It's bad. So I can say that, don't chase any
non-violence ideals. See the fact that you are angry.
Don't run away or try to escape from it.

So whenever you get a chance where someone tries

to enrage you, feel it as a blessing by them because
they give you a chance to be aware of the force. So,
can you observe your anger and not try to fight it in
any way? It's difficult for the first time or the first
instance as we are thoroughly conditioned by our
traditions, teachers, and our parents and relatives.

Even my neuropsychiatrist said to me when I asked

him a simple question, “hey doctor, why did I behave
like this? Why did I act In a psychotic rage like this?
What got into me that I caused such havoc and
disturbed all my relatives and my parent’s life. The
doctor only said that the only thing in my hand is to
give you medicine. I don't know from where this force
comes how it operates and how it leaves. We don't
know the causes of this force. The only thing I can do
is give you proper treatment and make sure you don't
get To that stage again.

Anger can come in many subtle ways, like if you are

trying to be a moral person and if any sin gets
committed from you, you get angry at yourself. You
start speaking to yourself. How did I do this? How
could I do this? Why did I lose control over myself?
Why I did this again. We also observed that different
kinds of people suffer from different kinds of anger

52
issues. Some have quick reactions while some have
slow momentum of anger. The force manifests
differently through different people at different times.
Nature has its glory. I could only tell that when I saw
the futility of controlling my anger. So I'm like or we
can say we are like a flute. A hollow flute if I can put it
in that way. The wind blows through the flute at
various intensities. The flute doesn't know at what
time and at what moment, at what intensity the wind
will blow through it and the flute will produce noises.
The flute thinks I am producing the noises, the flute
thinks I am very superior, but the magic is in the
wind. The magic is in the intensity of the wind.
Similarly, the emotions flow through us, the thoughts
of anger or lust we can say flows through us. They
manifest through different bodies at different times
under different circumstances. So if you take sexual
and angry thoughts seriously, It's still part of a
Cosmic game if I could say or if you take sexual and
angry thoughts playfully, it's still part of another
cosmic game. This universe is a huge playhouse I
can say and different types of games are being
played here.

If you take this thought seriously, it's okay. If you take

these thoughts playfully, it’s still okay because both
are opposites poles of the same game. Both are
interdependent upon each other.

So If I say to you let go of your mind you will make it

into a mantra. And whenever you are in conflict, you

53
will remember me. That this guy said let go but the
fact is you can't let go, then what to do. So You can’t
try to let go. If let go will happen, it will happen at its
own time. So don't worry about these thoughts if you
are having and they are causing havoc in your
personal lives. And if you worry, I would say, okay,
worry. There is no other way to explain all this. This is
the art of Judo, the art of flow. The magnificent holy
river is flowing rushing towards eternity and we are
all drenched in it throughout our lives.

So what you really are can't be defined in words.

Because words are too delicate and fragile to
withhold the strength of the holy river. You are a
complex creature, who is connected to this universe
in mysterious kinds of patterns.

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 6. The illusory maya

6.1 The divine mirror

Do you believe there are other people apart from

you? Yes, it feels in our heads that we are separate
individuals roaming around the world and exploring it
to the fullest. What if I said no? What if I said you are
the only being alone on this planet? Here comes the
concept of the Divine mirror. You can experiment with
this on your own. You all came across many people
in your lives. Some of them you loved and some of
them you hated, somewhere very close to you and
somewhere distant enough. So if you observed
carefully, we could conclude that the degree of
friendship with someone depended upon the degree
of your self essence perceived in them. There never
was any other person, there was always you. The
people are divine mirrors reflecting yourself. Your
own image, the image consisting of thoughts,
emotions, and feelings.

You tend to cling to the specific divine mirror, which

reflects back to you clearly. Now many people have
come across in your life and some people affected
you on different levels like physical, mental and
spiritual. Life is one whole process. I can give an
example of a centipede. If you observe when it

55
moves, it has a hundred legs and a hundred legs are
working fine, as the centipede moves forward. The
legs are synchronized at each moment, perfectly
without any disturbance. Similarly, the universe is
synchronized perfectly without any disturbance. The
disturbance is only in our minds.

What are our friends, family members, our

colleagues, and our relationship partners? They are
nothing but just transactions of memories, thoughts,
feelings, and emotions, nothing else. You transacted
with someone you are memories, emotions, feelings
and It got imprinted in your system. The illusion has
been named Maya. Maya has no beginning and no
end. The ancient scriptures have said that the only
thing between you and the supreme truth is Maya.
Now, what is Maya? Maya can't be described as
many sages have said it exists and paradoxically it
doesn't exist. A person may have caused damage to
you or a person has caused great pleasure to you,
gets imprinted in your memory. Then you perceive
the person through the memory. The person right
now may be different because life is in flux and we
are all changing at each moment.

But we feel safe seeing through images. The images

we have built about everyone around us. The image
about our wife, the image about our husband, the
image about our boss. The image means the data,
which we have gathered through experience with
them and this data keeps on changing, adding,

56
subtracting on a daily basis. What is the image which
was developed in our minds about the other person,
really the other person? We perceive through our
mind through mental filters and fail to see things as
they are. To connect with a human, a live human with
live emotions, thoughts, and feelings there shouldn't
be any mental screen or an image of that person. It
will be like you are seeing your friend for the very first
time. So is it possible? To see the person totally
anew?

We are living in an illusion. We think we know our

friends, our colleagues, our boss, our partners
completely, because we have developed an
extraordinary image out of the interactions we had
with them. We stick to that image consistently. So life
seems to be fragmentary, but it is not. So we
perceive ourselves through different people. The
things which are present in us are perceived in the
next person. For example, If I perceive a person
named ‘A’ and my friend may perceive the person
named ‘A’ in a very different manner so our both
perceptions are different. So what is the difference? I
perceive the person ‘A’ through my mental screen
and my friend perceives the person ‘A’ through his
mental screen. I perceive according to my thought
process and he perceives according to his thought
process. So I will have a different opinion about a
person ‘A’ while my friend will have a different opinion
about a person ‘A’. So these are known as images.
Opinions based on interactions. Our mind labels a

57
person good if he acts in a specific way with us and
our mind also labels the person bad if he acts in a
different way with us. So the opinions keep on
changing. The real person is never known. So to
come in touch with a real person, it can be only done
when the mind is extraordinary still when there is no
movement in the mind. When the mind is not
gathering any memories and opinions about the
person the silence connects the individuals and
merges them into one. In that silence, you know the
person completely. Completely, I mean by the
essence. You come in contact with the essence of
the person. You feel deeply connected with him.

6.2 Leap into unknown

A man strives for his identity. He always seems to be
lacking to be incomplete and the incompleteness
drives him to all his endeavors to achieve something,
to be something that will fill himself. The futile
attempts to fill the baseless pit pouring and pouring
achievements. Trying to strangle himself with his
proud moments in life. The very foundation of
himself, which makes himself is just the strong
arrangement of bricks of thoughts, secured with
emotional cement and plastered with layers and
layers of past memories. Man defines himself in the
terms of his past. The immense suffering he has

58
gone through with the screaming agonies tearing him
apart and the baggage that he has accumulated. See
for yourself. What makes us? What makes this
human being? What do we consist of? We consist of
flesh and organs. Our higher-level consists of mind or
identity. The mind is made up of thoughts and
emotions.

My memory consists of many experiences that

occurred to me ‘makes me’ or ‘defines me’. So if
everything is stripped out one by one, where do I
stand? If all my memories, all my thoughts, all my
emotions accumulated are taken out, what remains?
Ask yourself this question. To know this you have to
take the leap. You have to take the call.

The very reading of this book is the sign that you are
in the process, grace has carried you this Long and it
will carry you all the way towards eternity.

6.3 Desire runs the world

So what is desire? Desire to possess a beautiful

house, handsome man, or a beautiful woman, to
possess the riches. So there are many types of
desires. People have divided desires into various

59
types, like good desires, bad desires, low desires,
high desires.

It is said in the Upanishads that the brahman had his

first desire and out of the desire rose this beautiful
magnificent universe. So if that divine reality can
have a desire, what are we human beings to talk
about it?

The web of desires is complicated and It can't be

explained in words. We don't know why we desire
some things, why we want some things. Why we are
inclined towards some people, why we desire some
people. Why we want to desire such and such kinds
of things. It's just a play of energy. We really can't pin
down why we have certain kinds of desires.

So there are many types of desires, some are

contradictory. Our mind is troubled with such desires.
Our mind desires material pleasures, whereas our
mind also desires for God. Is God something that can
be possessed by desire? But the reality is attained
when all the desires fall Away, even when the desires
for Moksha or Nirvana or Enlightenment also fall and
wither away.

Desire is the movement of energy. For example, if I

wish or desire a beautiful car, I will have to work upon
the fulfillment of the desire. The mind will be agitated
until and unless the desire is not fulfilled. Desires
take deep roots in our minds. The spiritual Masters

60
have said that desire is the root of evil. So we have
been trained to suppress and deny desire, Instead of
Understanding it. So who is the entity that has
desire? Can we ask this question to ourselves? Who
is that who is Desiring? Can we inquire about that?
You will say I am Desiring such and such thing. We
can inquire further like who is the ‘I’ that is Desiring
such and such thing. Everything starts, everything
begins with the ‘I’. ‘I’ Is the root of Desire.

In Hinduism, It is believed that we have taken millions

of births in different species and then we get a
human birth. And then in the scriptures, it is
mentioned that we have to attain moksha in this life.
Or we will get rebirth again. And we can't get out of
this birth and death cycle. So if we inquire in it, freely
we can see that the birth and death cycle is made up
of desire. Without desire, there can be no birth and
death.

If there will be no desire, there will be no procreation.

If there will be no procreation, there will be no
universe. The amoeba splitting itself into two is due
to desire. The desire even arose in him So that he
could split himself in two. So desire functions from
minute to big organisms, Including humans. It is said
that a man has desires greater than the Particles of
sand on all the beaches Of the oceans.

Man has desired and is Desiring everything that he

can possibly conceive of, but the desire should be

61
there. It is a healthy sign, Or life will be dead. So is it
possible to see the mechanism of Desire? I think
desire is a lack of something. If I am Desiring
something that means I am lacking that thing. I have
a sense of incompletion in myself. That's why I'm
Desiring something to fulfill myself.

The child has his particular desire of having a bicycle,

some crayons, some chocolates. As that child grows
mature his desires change. Now he desires a
beautiful wife or beautiful girlfriend. Again when that
mature child grows up he desires a good job and a
good position in society. In old age finally desires
liberation for moksha and then he dies.

We have to inquire into death. When we see a

person dying, It is said in the Bhagavad Gita that
whatever thoughts are running through his mind in
the last hour of his death, he will take rebirth
according to that. In the spiritual text named
‘atmaram’, It is also said that the latent desires take
rebirth. But we can inquire further and say what takes
rebirth if I as a person dies? Am I vanished off
completely leaving no trail or what takes rebirth, what
element takes rebirth in me? So basically everything
comes back to you. Every type of creation starts with
you in this very moment. You have to inquire into
your nature. Your rebirth, your death, your desires,
your thoughts, your emotions.

62
Everything Is connected to you. I had a deep desire
for a beautiful woman and that desire was never
fulfilled. So it is presented in the book ‘atmaram’ that
if I have a desire for that woman, I have to take
rebirth again to fulfill that desire. Until the desire is
fulfilled, I will be taking rebirths. But if we can inquire
further, Life is eternal and I don't know what
happened before my birth. I have no memory of it. I
don't know how many births I have taken in the past
life or is there something like past life? Who I was
connected with in the past Lives who I came upon,
who I stumbled upon, with whom I crossed paths in
my past life and after death, I don't know what will
happen. The desires run in my mind, But I didn't
manufacture the desire. The desire arose in me from
an unknown source. We don't know where our desire
springs from and if life is eternal, Then why worry
about rebirths or deaths?

The key here is we shouldn't suppress desire or fight

with desire. We should just be aware of our desires.
That's all that is needed. If ambitions are arising in
our mind, let them arise and let them fall back into
the source. The ambitions, the desires, our wishes
emanate from that divine river, which is flowing
rapturously and is renewing itself from moment to
moment.

And I like to mention here that a moment is just a

word. A moment is considered as an instance at a

63
given particular time. So really, how can we measure
a moment there is nothing to measure a moment.

So we just have to become aware of our desires from

moment to moment. Without condemning, justifying,
or fighting with it. Just see for what it is. If you are
aware enough, you can see the birth of Desire.

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 7. Reality beyond
thought

7.1 The birth of thought

Thought is divided into two parts. One consists of

visual images which come into our mind, another is
the noise, the constant chattering. When we go to
sleep, we enter a state of no-thought or no-mind for
some time. We are in bliss because when we wake
up we are refreshed and rejuvenated from sleep.

As soon as we wake up, our thought process starts.

Thought means memory. The memory of yesterday,
the memory of the day before yesterday, Memory of
five years before, ten years before, or fifty years
before.

If you stand at the banks of a huge flowing river, our

mind will Name the water body, that huge water body
with all its content and everything, as a word ‘river’.
So Is the word ‘river’ that ‘huge water body thing’?
Which is flowing, which is alive. Which is new
moment-to-moment, is that the word ‘river’? The river

65
represents only on a superficial level. The word river
doesn't mean that thing which is the reality.

We think in terms of words and images. We have

constant blabbering in our heads day and night and
we are fed up with this. So basically the thought is
overtaking us completely. we are not using thought
as a tool but the tool is using us. Thought is
overpowering us. Thought never stays in the present
because in the present moment that thought dies
away, the thought fades away. Thought has no place
in the present moment, thought can exist only in the
past and future.

So If we could witness the extraordinary moment of

the birth of thought and see the birth to experience
the birth of thought, the arising of thought, the mind
needs to be still. Everyone hears that voice and we
are so fed up with that voice that we want to get rid of
it for some time. If you have observed any beautiful
thing, Like the high mountain valleys or a beautiful
sunset or a lovely face. If You observe very clearly,
there is no thought present, there is no mind present
at that moment. That beauty surrounds us and the
mind dies for some time over there. Again after some
time the Mind recovers and our problems with
memories and it again disturbs us. Take back to
illusions. We can witness the endless streams of
thoughts one after another. Whereby we fail to see
the beauty of the world which is obscured by
constant thinking. We live in our minds mostly

66
constantly judging analyzing the situation in front of
us, analyzing the environment in front of us,
analyzing every particular moment in front of us. Our
thoughts decide our actions, But I had a great doubt
that who acts when there is no thought? Who is the
actor behind all this? Behind our actions?

I can only say that the intelligence which runs in our

bloodstream pumping the blood from that tip of the
hair to the tip of the toe. The intelligence which
Digests our food and provides nutrients to our body
the same intelligence acts when there is a no-mind
situation. The body acts spontaneously, actions are
without thinking. These actions are as they are.
Which can't be judged or condemned.

With the birth of thought, there is a birth of the world.

As soon as the thought arises in our mind, the world
rises in our mind as soon as the thoughts settle down
the world settles down. I think there is nothing such
as a positive thought or a negative thought. It doesn't
make a lot of difference. If you are thinking about a
beautiful woman or you're thinking about God
whereas thinking about God may seem great for
many of us. But really, can you think about God?
whatever you will think will be in the field of known.
An occupied mind can’t touch the sacred.

Now if I ask you a very simple yet profound question,

what are you Before the beginning of thought? Who
are you between two thoughts? Don’t go after a

67
peaceful mind. I will give a simple analogy to you that
when the water is Muddy, By doing something in that
water won't make the water clear. The water will be
clear only when I leave it as it is and the mud will
settle down completely In some time. Similarly, Why
do you want to calm the mind? Who are you to calm
the mind? Are you different from the mind? Have you
asked such types of questions? Have you inquired
into this?

The Entity that wants to calm the mind is also an

intrinsic process of the mind only. Thought wants to
calm another thought, it's not possible. The only way
To Get into a no-mind state is to leave the mind
alone.

In earlier days, the meditation technique which I used

to calm the mind and calm the thought process was
focusing on my breathing. Some people can't get the
direct message. So they want something to practice
because the mind needs some activity. So the gurus
and spiritual leaders give various practices and
meditation techniques because the mind can't sit
alone with itself. It needs something to do. So that
many meditation techniques developed in ancient
India and across the world. I have done some of the
techniques. But after some time my all spiritual
techniques faded and withered away one by one. I
arrived in a state where no technique was needed,
the mind automatically shuts down. It's just like the
yin and yang symbol there is movement in stillness

68
and there is stillness in movement. And both are
interconnected to each other. From my experience, I
can say that the original Stillness, the original
essence of the mind comes by divine grace only. If I
say few people are selected to receive this grace it
would be wrong because life is a uni-whole. There
are no different organisms living here. Life is holistic.
If you believe it or not, you are life itself. There will be
no one like you in the whole world you are unique
and still you are a part and parcel of life.

So the real meditation is about doing nothing. But

many people try to ‘do nothing’. They are still ‘trying
to do nothing’. Can you feel me? Meditation is from
moment to moment. Meditation is about how you act,
how you talk, how you walk, how you perceive things,
how you think, how your thoughts are, everything is
part and parcel of meditation. People do meditation in
order to achieve something, achieve bliss,
enlightenment, achieve Nirvana, achieve Moksha,
whatever you name it.

If I say I am Manish. While saying I am Manish, I am

also aware of what I'm saying, Right? Similarly, you
are so and so the person is just a thought and
nothing else.

69
7.2 The primordial thought

The most important and basic fundamental question

which no one has time in his life to ask himself is,
who am I? Am I just a little helpless being in this vast
universe? What do we mean when we say I? What's
the difference between my doing and happening? I
just feel or I can say we feel that we do some certain
things and certain things happen to us. There is a
thin line between voluntary and involuntary actions.
For example, we think we can breathe consciously.
Yes, we can do that. But as soon as we are not
aware of our breathing the intelligence takes control
of our breathing. So breathing can be named
voluntary as well as an involuntary action.

There are certain thoughts that I think and there are

certain thoughts that appear to me. Thoughts appear
when we are in contact with something, For example,
if I see a beautiful lady, the thought will strike in my
mind and the thought will say “hey this lady is very
beautiful”. So thought began by contact. In this case.
Can I inquire deep? Did I think about the woman or
the woman had some energy in her which
transmitted the thought in my mind? We can argue
on this for Lifetime but I think the process is very
complex as we are all connected very minutely.

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7.3 Embracing who you are

We have an image of ourselves. I am such a sinner. I

have committed so many sins. The other person
says, I'm such a saint I have committed so many
virtues. But if we inquire into it, we see that all the
actions are taken by the mind. The concept of good
and bad has its root in the mind. The mind according
to some conditioning of the past labels something as
good, something as bad.

If we take two different people. Both of their values

will be different in the terms of good and bad. The
good for person A will be bad for person B and the
good for person B may be harmful to person A.

So the yin and yang aspects are in a beautiful dance.

the Stillness and the moment. The Stillness moves
the movement the movement moves the Stillness.
They are trying to eat each other up if you have seen
the symbol. But They are like playing a beautiful
game of hide-and-seek with each other. So just as
doing some sin doesn't make you a sinner, likewise
doing virtuous deeds won't make you a saint.
everything depends on your motive.

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Finally, the Seeker in Zen doesn't try to find the
answers. He just tries to lose all the questions. I
mean, why do you want to know who does the
actions or who does everything? This complex and
definable everything Is as it is. We have only one
answer that we are like this right now at this moment
because the universe is like that at this very moment.

Instead of fighting with your flaws, your imperfections

Just accept who you are at this very moment right
now and see just for a minute. Accept everything as it
is and see what happens. Embrace the silence
behind your thoughts, embrace the silence behind
your chattering. Embrace your real nature, the
essence of your being which is present in everything.
Embrace your lusty thoughts, anger issues,
jealousies, envy, and any other emotion you are
withholding right now as it is. Look at your mind as if
it’s a precious jewel.

Just embrace your mind which is like a garden that

has different types of flowers and different types of
insects, different varieties of soil. All these elements
constitute the garden of the mind similarly. All these
elements of thought constitute the mind. Just be
aware of the flying bird in the sky, the noise of your
footsteps, that extraordinary sunset, the greenery
around you. The reality is beyond thought, beyond
words, beyond everything. It is so sacred that it
renews itself from moment to moment. It is not a

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static thing. It is living, it's alive. It nourishes
everything around you, in you, within You.

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 8. Energy as an infinite
spiral.

We are so busy in our everyday routine, we are

almost living a mechanical life. As I mentioned above
in this book that the world is run by desire or we can
say that desire is the fuel to run the world. You may
recall the buddha's words, which he said or the
sutras of its primary teaching was desire is the root of
suffering. Life is just the play of energy which never
had a beginning or has no end. It's like an infinite
spiral that emanates a new branch of the spiral at
each moment, which is also infinite.

So let's ask the basic question. Where are we getting

at? Why is there so much rush in our lives? Almost
everybody thinks I am close to that specific moment,
which will change my life forever, and that moment is
somewhere in the future or tomorrow. We can see
from our childhood. We have been trained by our
education pattern, parents, teachers, and relatives
that you should achieve something or you are a
failure. First, we enter kindergarten, and then we are
prepared for the first standard and the process goes
on. We achieve a higher rank and go on progressing
and we are just being said furthermore and the
golden thing will be in your hands. We then go to
Junior College and maybe get lucky to enter into

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some degree Institute. And then we search for a job
the same process again, it starts from Junior
executive to senior and furthermore. We feel oh my
God yes, I am being very close to that golden thing.
That shiny object syndrome. If I may put it in that
way. Maybe you become the vice president of the
company then you think oh my God I have arrived.
The feeling is being with you for just a few days and
it's lost again. And you feel like you have been
cheated the whole life. You have wasted many years.
In the pursuit of that golden thing, which never
arrives, it always eludes you. A person may live life
fully in just a moment, which a person can't live for
ages.

We are lost in the becoming and we have forgotten

being. Our being we can say never needs anything to
satisfy itself or I may put it in terms as our being is
self-satisfied. No external circumstances will either
increase or decrease our real nature. So when we
ask normal people where are you getting at? Why so
rush they say I need to get to the office. I need to
rush home to watch my favorite TV series, they are
so engrossed in the routine that they completely
forgot that they are just surviving, not living. Yes, it
may sound strange. But may I ask you that when in
your life have you glanced at a rock? Just watching
it? You can't watch because you are full of thoughts
about everything. Knowledge about the rock, the
hustle of thoughts going on. In your head, you will

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always miss the rock. Shutting down the mind is
impossible for many people. They say we can't do it.

So I may give you a classic example: Once A man

was crying with a bottle of alcohol in his hands. A
saint was passing by and he noticed him. He asked
the man. Why are you crying? The man said I can't
stop drinking alcohol. I can't get rid of it. So the saint
notice his condition and decided to act upon it. He
Found a nearby tree and hugged it and started
shouting repeatedly. This tree has caught me. Please
save me. The alcoholic man saw and laughed at him
saying that you are a fool. How can a tree catch you?
You have caught hold of it the saint heard this and
started laughing and said exactly. I wanted to convey
this message. The man got confused and asked him
to elaborate on what he said. The saint said that as I
hugged a tree and the tree had no control over me.
Similarly. You have caught the bottle. It has no
control over you. The alcoholic contemplated for a
moment and he dropped the bottle and screamed, I
am free and thanked the saint. Similarly, thoughts
can't take hold of you in any manner unless you have
given them your attention.

Each moment is so alive. It is rigged beautifully, but

we miss it and the thief which steals our present
moment is known as the mind. The mind is infinite
and it wants each and everything better than “what
is” it is not satisfied with “what is” it demands or we
can say projects what should be. If we live at the

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level of the mind, we can never get the feeling of
contentment in our life.

Everything is just an ultimate infinite complicated

dance of energy. Each fabric of energy is beautifully
woven into one another. The tears coming out of your
eyes when you are feeling sad, the irritating bark of
your neighbor's dog, the birds chirping outside your
window, the rivalry between two nations are just
intricate patterns of energy, and we can say that not
a single grain of dust is misplaced in the universe.
The universe depends on a tiny speck of dust and
that speck of dust depends upon the universe.

So similarly every bit of you is in flux in a flow just like

an infinite dance. For example, you first eat food only
to get fat. Then you go workout to lose your weight or
to get slim and this is a continuous process of gaining
and losing but if you notice very minutely when you
eat food the energy you get from consuming it
depends upon infinite variables, which we don't know
or ignore. So some people stay slim even eating like
a caveman and some people get fat just by
consuming little food. Some variables I will mention
which you may or may not know. So while you
consume food, the energy you get from the food
depends upon the TV channel you're watching, the
environment in which food is consumed, the sitting
posture while consuming the food, the thoughts you
have while consuming food, the stress levels in which
you are while eating etc. If you are single or in a

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relationship because when we are being loved by our
partner, we consume less food as compared to when
we are single. So if the same amount of food is given
to different types of people, the energy they will get
will be different. The same logic applies to work out
the drainage of energy depends upon many factors
so you can note that some people exercise little but
still lose weight, but some even grind in the gym fail
to lose weight.

Because similarly, weight loss depends upon various

factors: the mood swings you get while working out,
the level of aggression in your workout, the thoughts
running in your mind, the environment, people near
you. So basically in the weight loss niche, what are
the supplements for? Have you ever contemplated
on these products for some time? They are
developed to kill the time process. They are designed
in such a way to shorten the becoming process. So
the energy which is created when the supplements
are taken can do positive or negative side effects
because I am saying this from a personal experience.

Because when I took fat-burning pills, I was losing

weight, but the energy which pills had, the remaining
energy got into my mind. Thus elevating the thought
process which leads to the outburst. Giving rise to
major panic attacks, which I suffered from because
energy only changes its form and course. It finds new
paths to move. What are steroids? Do you know what
steroids are? It is that form of energy that will

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increase your muscle energy and burn fat energy.
But remember as everything is connected or
intertwined in each other, even a single steroid has
the power or potential to change your whole life. Your
moods will alter, your thoughts will change, it will
affect not only your body but also your behavior. So if
steroid injection is the creation of a new flow of
energy in your body, kidney damage will be the
release of energy of that injection. It will act wholly on
your life so similarly, one tablet of antidepressant
which is a minute specific form of energy once
consumed will Branch out infinitely in your whole
being affecting each and every cell of your body and
changing your whole outlook of the world. So the
world perceived by us depends upon various infinite
variables each connected in a complex manner that
can't be described in words. The way you see a
person depends upon the food you eat, the thoughts
you harbor, the intoxicants you consume, the stress
level on you, the medications on which you are, the
memories of that person, the weather, the clothes
you are wearing, etc.

So when I mentioned that energy is an infinite spiral I

can give you a simple example, as when a person is
angry, he Vents out in front of another person. In
venting out the energy is released. So The person
who got angry, there must be many factors which
resulted in the arousal of his anger. It may be the
relationships with his partner, business, his stress
levels, and many more. So the energy flows. You

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can't destroy it. It has to be converted from one form
to another. So the anger from person A is transmuted
to Person B and person B’s energy patterns change.

You can feel the difference in energy when you enter

different houses. You can feel the difference in
energy when you visit certain places. You undergo
multiple transactions of energy. For example, a bar
will have a certain kind of energy, and a temple will
have a certain kind of energy. That's why people with
resonating energies get attracted to their desired
location.

In my case when I faced psychotic rage episodes I

was full of energy. I was screaming. I was shouting. I
was running here and there. So a guy like me, how
did I build up such intense energy? So the energy
came from different aspects of the universe and it
manifested through me is all I can say.

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9. To realize that there is
nothing to realize

9.1 Megalomania
Now sometimes realization can also take a wrong
turn. my second psychotic episode which took place
was a spiritual one.

After reading the scriptures immaturely, I felt that I

am God. God in the sense that everyone should
kneel down and worship me. I thought I was Shiva as
the only Shiva. Now, what do I mean by that? In the
Nirvana shatkam, when adi Shankaracharya said,
“chidananda rupa shivoham shivoham”.

He meant to say that everyone is the nature of shiva,

but I misunderstood it and took it in the wrong sense,
and I thought I was Shiva. I still remember that time,
When I was taken to hospital for the second time and
I created Havoc over there. I broke a rudraksha
rosary in a state of anger. In the cabin of my
neuropsychiatrist. I was angry as well as afraid of
being killed. I don't know why I had that fear. This
was a case of megalomania, I understood it later
when I started reading Alan Watts and his

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philosophy. He said that megalomania occurs in
many cases where the person thinks he is God in the
kingly sense and everybody needs to Worship him.

So even on my spiritual journey, I had another

breakdown which I described above. But I think all
these episodes that occurred in my life, were
essential to my growth and they served their
purpose. Fulfilled its purpose and I'm here right now
because of all the happenings which took place in my
life. Then I realized after some years that things are
fine as they are. Things were always harmonious as
they are right now. Not a single event got here and
there. It felt like everything was choreographed
perfectly and flawlessly.

I remember one incident and I like to share. Once

Buddha was sitting under a tree with his disciple.
One man approached him in the morning and he
asked Buddha, ‘Is There a God. I am an atheist’. The
Buddha replied, Yes, there is a God. The disciple
sitting near the Buddha got surprised that another
man came in the afternoon, he said. Is there a god? I
am a ‘theist’, Buddha replied there is no god. Again,
the disciple got surprised as he heard two answers
and both of them were different. In the evening
another man came. And he asked Buddha, Is there a
god or not? I don't know. Can you tell me? Buddha
was silent. The man understood, he bowed down and
went away. Now the disciple was about to get crazy.
He couldn't stop himself and asked the Buddha.

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Master, the morning guy approached you, you said to
him that there is a God, the afternoon guy you said to
him that there is no God and to the evening guy, you
said nothing. So master what should I do now? I am
in mental turmoil. Budhha looked at him and said I
gave answers to them. Why did you hear it? They
were not for you.

Similarly, Life gives us certain answers at certain

times when it is needed the most because we are not
separate from life. Life provides us with everything
that is needed at the moment. And it takes care of
itself and nourishes everyone.

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 10. Everything as
indescribable.

10.1 Eternal life experience

I want to tell you about my eternal life experience,

which I had and which was mind-blowing and
thrilling. I was having my dinner and I forgot to take
my night psychiatric medications and went to sleep
directly. I don't know what the medications do but
when I searched on the internet about the workings
of neuropsychiatry, they said that the medications
alter consciousness. So I missed medications that
night and I went to sleep. Something really strange
happened, which I could never forget in my entire life.
So from whatever I could recall that night, I don't
know in my sleep or what I started to drown in
something. It was not water. It felt like I was in some
other dimension. It was something which I can't
describe. I was sinking lower and lower. My forehead
area started to build up tension and I felt like
someone was frying my brain. I never felt so alive
and intense in my entire life. I think I gained full
access to my consciousness, due to the lack of
medications. When I woke up at 3 a.m, In the
morning, I witnessed that my body was shaking and I

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had this sense that I have lived for a million years. I
had a sense of completion. The moment was very
frightening as well as exciting. I felt as if my life
purpose was complete. I felt like I was ready to die
now anytime. I couldn't describe that feeling any
further. I can say that we have the potential to live a
moment fully which an ordinary person can't live even
for a thousand years.

10.1 Free will or predestined

So we all have this question of free will or destiny.

We are in mental turmoil to figure out what is the
truth. So free will is a concept in mind, as well as
destiny, is also a concept in mind. Free Will means
that I have a right to choose anything of freedom of
choice at any point in my life and destiny means that
my life path has already been written down and it will
happen the way it should.

Now if we inquire further Into free will, we think that

we can think or act in a certain way at any given time.
But research has shown that in one of the
experiments conducted, they locked a person in a
room and were given access to two buttons one was
red in color one was green in color. The man was
attached with electrodes so that his brain signals

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could be read. The man was told that whenever you
make a decision just signal us and then press the
button. The man waited for five minutes and he
signaled and pressed the green button. But his scans
showed that The decision of pressing the green
button was an ongoing process in the brain, even
before he signaled that he is going to press the green
button.

So This topic is a bit controversial as do we have free

will or everything is destined as It should be. In our
life, we feel sometimes that we have control over
some things and we don't have control over other
things. But life proves us wrong every time life shows
us that the higher intelligence rules everyone in the
universe.

Cosmic intelligence has its way of doing things and

arranging situations, which will be suitable for us. But
why should we care about free will or destiny? We
should inquire further and say who is that? Who
wants to know about free will and destiny? Who is
the entity who wants to know about free will or
destiny? The answer will be obviously ‘I’. Then
inquire further and say who is this ‘I’ and a strange
thing will happen if you inquire deeply you won't get
any answer. Only silence prevails. You will be
dissolved in silence.

From my experience, I have come to a point where I

think that I don't know anything about anything. I just

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wonder about every aspect of the universe. I don't
care about free will or destiny. I think that the
decisions made by me or us are harmonious with the
universe. The actions we take in this world are one
with the divine flow. Our mind arrives at silence when
we come to know that existence will take care of itself
and every other being in the universe. Its existence
has its intelligence and Its force holds the planets
and stars in the proper positions.

We come to a point where we don’t want any

answers and we give up the pursuit of
Enlightenment, Nirvana, or Moksha, and we are
content with what is happening in our life right now.
We give up everything. The search for God, the
search for reality because now you're happy with
what is In your life right now. The Mind finally
understands its limitations and reveals its essence.
The sages have called it the no-mind. It is known as
the mind without any conflict or disturbance. This
mind is as pure as a crystal.

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11. What is, is what is

11.1 Beyond heaven and hell

So From ancient times we have been told that certain

actions will take us to heaven and certain actions will
take us to hell. So this has been written in many
ancient scriptures. But the people are acting
according to the basis of reward or fear. People act
with a motive. They have a motive in their mind they
act in a certain way so that they can save themselves
some seats in heaven. people fear and act differently.
So that they don't end up in hell. So if we inquire into
this, do Heaven and Hell exist? I mean If we
experience right now heaven and hell are the states
of the mind. When you are in bliss, happiness and
enjoyment, you are in heaven. When you are in
anxiety, stress, you are in hell. There is no other
heaven and hell. We create our heavens and hells.

Even though Laying down the rules of heaven and

hell, people don't care to follow them. People who are
afraid, follow the rules and people who are not afraid,
don't follow the rules. In India, we believe in karma
theory. What goes outside of us comes back. This

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theory has been taught by many ancient teachers.
But People don't take it seriously. So what is the
solution? Till how much time you will keep control of
your actions?

You act in a certain way and again you act differently.

Instead of focusing on actions, we should focus on
awareness. So once we are aware. We go beyond
heaven and hell because we can witness stress and
anxiety as we can witness the joy and excitement in
our minds.

Don't think the mind and reality are different. Mind,

ego, reality, are just words. They literally don't have
any meaning. That's why I said ‘what is’ is “what is”.

We have categorized everything into different

sections like mind, ego, reality. We have broken
down them into Brahman and Maya. The two aspects
One is the Stillness other is the movement.

And each religion has the concept of heaven and hell

differently. To enter heaven or to enter hell, you
require a sense of self because a self can only seek
heaven and only avoid hell. If we inquire that if there
is no self, or we are in the nature of the void. Then
who cares about heaven and hell? The awareness
takes us Beyond both of them.

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