Exotic December 2018

2 exotic magazine | xmag.
com
exotic magazine | xmag.com 3
4 exotic magazine | xmag.com
Issue #306 • Volume 26 • Number 6
December 2018
Copyright © 2018 XMAG LLC.
HOW TO BE A PDX
Exotic® is a registered trademark
owned by XMAG LLC. All rights reserved.
Published monthly by XMAG LLC.
BOOKER
Circulation: 75,000 per month at 200+ sites
Mailing Address:
818 SW 3rd Avenue, Suite 1324
Portland, Oregon 97204 tips on how to alienate your local live music
Telephone: 503.241.4317
Fax: 503.914.0439 scene
Email: info@xmag.com page 18
Exotic Online: www.xmag.com
by blazer sparrow
Publisher
XMAG LLC.
General Manager
Bryan A. Bybee MISS EXOTIC OREGON
Editor
Ray McMillin HIGHLIGHTS
Copy Editor every round leading up to the finals
Adam J. Burt page 20
Production Manager photos by hypnox
Shawna Stephens
Graphic Design
THE PROFESSIONAL
Shawna Stephens
Darkstar Graphics
POLE
Contributing Photographers
London A. Lunoux • HYPNOX
AmbeRed
Advertising spice of life showcases the working dancer

Adam J. Burt (503) 804-4479
page 22
Distribution by ericka rachelle mendoza
Enrico Carrisco • Adam J. Burt
Contributors
Stoned Cold Sativa Awesome
DJ BOOTH RETURNS
Brad Cox
Ed Lawrence
DJ HazMatt
Ray McMillin
Ericka Rachelle Mendoza
classic tales, resurrected for our readers
Er Moonanite page 30
Jimmy Newstetter
Esmerelda Rupp-Spangle by dj hazmatt
Blazer Sparrow
Wombstretcha
Cover Photography
London A. Lunoux
Cover Models
DJ Pussyfoot, Nadia (Union Jacks),
Brandi (Club SinRock), Brodie Grody
(Devils Point), Babydoll (Cabaret),
Jazmyn (Pussycats), Mary Jane (Scarlet
Lounge) and Nia (Golden Dragon)
GREEN ROO
M
Exotic is not liable for any images of models used by advertisers to promote products EROTIC CITY DIARIES
or services. Rights and releases are the sole responsibility of the advertisers. All SPOTLIGHT PG. 24
OF
persons appearing in photos are over the age of 18. One copy of each edition of Exotic PINUP CALE EVENTS PG. 26
ND
is available free to any person each month. Anyone removing magazines in bulk will THE MONTH AR PG. 28
be prosecuted on theft charges to the fullest extent of the law. Any reproduction of DICKY WO LY COLUMN PG. 32
N
materials presented herein without the express written consent of the publisher is EXOTIC MAPKA’S HAUNTED PHOTO PG. 36
SANTA’S G S (PDX/OR/WA) S
forbidden by law. In scientific case studies, reading Exotic magazine has caused cer-
IFT LIST FO PG. 37
AN EXOTIC R
GUIDE TO XMTHE DEPRIVED PG. 38
tain undesirable side effects. Possible side effects include headache, dizziness, mild
nausea, diahrrea, vomiting, rash, itching, hives, swelling of the lips and face, hair YOUR NEW AS SHOPP PG. 41
B
growth, hand tremors, gum swelling, higher blood pressure, increase in cholesterol JIMMY’S N ODY: A USER’S GUID ING PG. 42
EWSLETTER E
level, altered kidney function, swollen gums, acne, weight gain, blood in the urine, CLASSIFIE PG. 48
DS
fluid retention, drowsiness, irritability, behavior changes, oily anal discharges, pre- TOP 5 PG. 50
mature ejaculation, complete penile dysfunction, lupus, sleep apnea, lyme disease DEAR NICE W PG. 52
and certain strains of knee-jerk, violent, right-wing Republican behavior. HITE PEOPLE
PG. 54
PG. 58
Don’t Look For Bands To Play Your
Never Answer Emails Bar *Cough* Venue
Just don’t do it—not once, not ever. Let your This is very important. As you will notice,
inbox fill up and leave it all as unread as from your overflowing inbox, you have plen-
that copy of Infinite Jest on your bookshelf. ty of poor suckers looking to perform for free
Should some bands inquire about hauling at your establishment. There is no need for
their heavy equipment to the oh-so-cool you to actively seek out bands, artists or any-
small bar you book music for (and, play for thing in between, to fill that so-called stage
two drink tickets a piece and offer to bring on a weekend. It is imperative, that you not
some friends and make your bar some mon- only don’t search Facebook, Bandcamp or a
ey...), make sure to not return this query. That fucking telephone pole a few blocks away,
would be very unhip of you—it would show but make sure to actively sit at your comput-
weakness. Bands are only asking to entertain er and do absolutely nothing. There’s a pleth-
your drunken patrons and help boost your ora of musical talent in Portland! And, the lineup for your hipster hotspot. You’ll need
sales for no fee, whatsoever. Do not acknowl- only way you’re gonna earn your keep at that two or three other bands that sound exact-
edge their request at all, for fear of appearing shitty little bar *cough* venue, is if you make ly like your chosen musical troupe. Nobody
to do the thing that the fucking venue hired sure to pretend absolutely none of it exists. likes diversity, after all.
you to do. A good Portland booker knows The owner is counting on you.
that the only way to create the most bad ass Now, you may be thinking that it would be
music hub in this hipster cesspool is to be as easy to find two or three identical groups
communicative as an emotionally unavail- to share the stage with this act—bands you
able boyfriend. deem worthy, since you have an inbox burst-
ing at the seams with queries from other
When You Do Answer Emails, Be Rude young, hungry artists. You may think that.
Hell, you probably could call it an early day
Obviously, you’re not even going to bother by just picking three emails from your inbox
with that annoying band of under-twenty- at random and replying, “yeah, sure” to each
one-year olds, who want to book their shitty of them. Sounds easy, right? Well, hold your
My Chemical Romance ripoff band. Remem- horses there, buster! If you want to be a suc-
ber, the first step is to not answer emails. cessful booker for your little, Instagram-fa-
However, should you come across a query mous, hole-in-the-wall, you’ll need to pump
that not only provides you with a link to the the brakes right quick, before you put any
band’s music, promise of a draw and even actual effort into this process. Once you’ve
info on a couple other bands to round out the agreed to let a band play the corner of your
bill, make sure to respond with two, maybe bar, ask them to seek out two or three other
three words, max—something to the effect bands to fill out the bill. Clearly, it’s on them
of, “sorry, month’s booked” or “can’t.” Dealer’s to provide not only themselves, but two or
choice. Should you take time to read these Ask Bands You Do Book To Find Other three exact copies of themselves. You might
snot-nosed kids’ pitiful plea for a Wednesday Bands To Fill The Bill get some whiny response from the band,
night slot, it’s a good idea to vigorously scan asking you some indignant question like,
their drivel for even the slightest infraction of This is a crucial aspect to being a successful, “Isn’t that your job?” or some such nonsense.
the F.A.Q. on your bar’s *cough* venue’s web- small-time Portland booking agent. Let’s say Don’t let their irresponsible rambling faze
site about booking. Should you find such an you decide to respond to one of the emails you. If they’re not willing to find other bands
infraction, respond with an angry, ALL-CAPS from this flood of pond scum and their band that sound like them, promote the show, find
email berating them for not perusing the ten sounds half decent. As you respond, make a sound guy and door guy, maybe they don’t
commandments that are the guidelines for sure to be as distant and begrudging as hu- really want to play your “super cool, down-
inquiring about booking your bar, which you manly possible. These pathetic, aspiring ro- town, high-traffic hotspot.”
allow bands to play in the one sort-of-empty ckstars will probably jump at the chance for
corner of. Make them feel insignificant and the privilege to play your exalted stage. And, Don’t Attend The Shows You Actually
small, unlike you. Shame them. Shame them they should! But, your job as a booker of this Book
hard. Tell them how you don’t have time for little piece of gentrification heaven is not
immature little brats, who don’t even read over young padawan! Just because you kin- Because, that would just be weird, right?
the booking guidelines, when you have da-maybe-I-guess like this group of young
thousands of emails to not answer. upstarts, doesn’t mean you have a complete
It’s not a secret, that even in the 21st her knowledge as a feminist schol- A former professor with a PhD in
century, women are still only earn- ar and her experiences as a life-long American Literature and creative
ing 80% of what a male counterpart stripper, into a two-hour preach- writer, Lux also used the Stripcabin
makes—even less, if they have limit- ing-and-dance session. Eventually, platform to create her podcast, Strip-
ed professional skills or formal edu- Stripcraft morphed into specialized cast: True Stories From A Stripper
cation (with any degree these days, retreats Lux hosts all over the world— with A PhD.
pay is still stunted for both sexes, just Stripcabana in Costa Rica, Stripcoast
for the record). So, it’s no wonder that in North Carolina, Stripcoven in New “I created Stripcast with the purpose
strip clubs never have a shortage of Orleans and local Stripcabin. So, ex- of sharing my art with the world,” says
beautiful dancers on stage. Stripping actly what happens at these retreats? Lux. “And, moreover, sharing a strip-
can provide high financial rewards, per’s perspective, that might surprise
in addition to multiple benefits not “Women from all walks of life come many in its relatability and human-
provided by typical employment— together,” says Lux. “For several luxu- ness. My whole life, I wanted people
schedule flexibility, less traditional rious, all-inclusive days and nights of to read my stories. This was the per-
management structure, etc. In addi- sexy dancin’ and fancy dressin’, soul- fect opportunity and Stripcast re-
tion to making a living, strippers of- moving and ass-shaking workshops, mains one of my favorite works of art
ten use their income to supplement local adventures and excursions, but, of my life.”
other areas of life—financing school most of all, some of the most beau-
or paying off student, medical and tiful and intense bonding with oth- Locally based Portland stripper and
personal debts. But, a growing num- er women they’ve ever experienced. writer, Elle Stanger, has also parlayed
ber of dancers have parlayed strip- I have been running retreats at bang- her sex work experience into job ex-
ping into other careers, where strip- ing-ass mansions all over the world perience as the co-host of the pod-
ping was just the stepping stone. since 2016, and at this point, I have cast, Strange Bedfellows. Now in its
had over 170 unique guests, over half third year, Elle hosts the podcast with
Atlanta-based stripper, Lux Atl (@lux_ of whom return again and again to fu- a fellow stripper and private investi-
atl), conceived Stripcraft, a stripping ture retreats. Women from all walks of gator named Jen, where the duo talks
workshop, which allowed her to cul- life are welcome and diversity on all about sex, politics and relationships.
tivate a fanbase of “pole dance hob- levels is encouraged. However, I have Strange Bedfellows’ most recent pod-
byists.” According to Lux, a 16-year made it a point to hire my co-teachers cast featured conversations about la-
stripping veteran, the workshop was almost exclusively from a pool of cur- bor status, STDs and eco-feminism.
a “career-maker,” where she combines rent or former sex workers.”
“I grew up listening to Loveline with “I hope you are saving money,” says you from being successful, but be
Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla and it Elle. “Even if you don’t make much to prepared to navigate the stigma—it’s
taught me so much,” says Elle, whose save. Even ten dollars a day, stuffed exhausting and very real.”
first podcast was nominated as Best in a safe, can make the difference
Local Podcast by Willamette Week. if you are suddenly unable to earn Though Lux still strips for her retreats,
“There’s no reason why a show about any money due to injury, illness or she no longer dances in clubs (except
sexuality that is informed by sex bad booking. Consider how much of for rare occasions) and spends most
workers and educators shouldn’t ex- your personal life you want to share of her time producing social media
ist. Podcasting fills a void for me, be- and determine how to start set- content, choreographing ways to ev-
cause I have so many opinions er-improve retreats that keep her
and I like to share them because clientele satisfied, writing her
people tell me I’ve been help- memoir and playing piano. Strip-
ful, life-changing, relationship- ping still pays the bills, albeit in-
saving by my advice alone.” directly, in the form of revenue
from her retreats.
Managing stripping, secondary
careers, family, relationships, “I do not come from money,” says
self and body care is a balanc- Lux. “I’ve struggled my whole life.
ing act for dancers like Elle and I struggled my ass off in these
Lux—both women have prov- clubs for sixteen years—I accept-
en it can be done and success- ed sub-standard wages as a grad
fully. ting boundaries. Most strippers that assistant for nearly a decade. At last,
I know have multiple jobs, because I found a way to alchemize my skills
“I am driven, ambitious and con- there are too many clubs and most into something that both benefits
sumed by my art and my vision,” says of them don’t encourage—or, en- women, as well as provides a com-
Lux. “And, that makes it hard for me force—tipping from patrons. If you’re fortable living for my family, so fuck
to be present and grounded with my a new stripper thinking of quitting yeah, I’m here to own this house I just
family, sometimes. I meditate my ass your conventional job, consider if bought—I’m here to spend a few ex-
off, and take regular hikes with my you’ll be able to fill that hole in a re- tra days at the beach. I am also here
husband and son. I make great effort sume for future employers. Discrimi- to make the world a better place in
to be present in the here and now, in- the meantime, and of all the ways
stead of dreaming of whatever else is I’ve ever made money, this one ben-
out there that I need to be creating.” efits the most women in the realest of
ways. I’m proud of the work I do, and
“I have about thirty-two separate I am also proud of my success. Un-
alarms on my phone,” says Elle. “I have derstand where your greatest talents
to drive a lot, I answer about thirty and passion lie, and invest your time,
emails a day. I’ve been going to thera- energy, and money, accordingly. Use
py once a week for the last four years sex work to save investment funds for
and use that space to vent, cry, be hu- your dream.”
man and to receive objective advice
from an unbiased provider. My best For more information on Lux’s retreats,
advice is to try to maintain your in- visit: LuxATLSpellbook.com/Stripcast/.
tegrity, even when you work a stig-
matized job (or two). I do that by You can see Elle Stanger on stage local-
communicating pretty directly. That ly at Lucky Devil Lounge (check her In-
means I don’t make time for people stagram account, @StripperWriter, and
who treat me badly or try to make me website, StripperWriter.com, for info)
guilty for the work I do. I don’t have and tune in to her weekly podcast at
abusive boyfriends anymore—I just StrangeBedfellows.com.
tell other people how to leave theirs!”
nation against adult entertainers and
Elle also has some advice for fellow sex workers is very real, even in our
strippers and entrepreneurs. progressive city. Don’t let that stop

I was in one of those too-upscale-for-their-product dispensaries in
Salem last week, and after purchasing some extremely overpriced
pre-rolls, I was handed two pieces of paper: a “Cannabis Is For Ev-
eryone” sticker and a flyer that read, “Marijuana Can Harm Children.”
What an excellent and/or terrible way to market your weed—who-
ever decided to package those two trash-bound pieces of literature
together was either an evil genius or a complete moron. If you think
about it, however, you really have to be both, if you want to be an ef-
fective weed dealer. So, with that, I give to you...
Compared to two years ago, the “I’m gon- premium for weed, especially vape pens and resort for you, the broke-ass weed dealer,
na sell weed now that it’s legal to possess” stuff they can sneak into school. Think about but it could be a life-changing first step in
crowd has experienced a Bitcoin-level drop it—back in our day, pooling together mon- the life of a young junkie. They say that pot
in income, and along with having their ey, giving it to a bum and having him buy a is a gateway drug, but if your customer is al-
hopes and dreams of being the “only dis- bottle of shitty vodka was much, much more ready three veins shy of having to break the
pensary in (insert town with a few dozen dis- acceptable than buying “drugs,” i.e. pot. Well, needle off and do butt stuff to get high, that
pensaries here)” shattered, many would-be gateway is more of an exit.
weight-pushers are sitting on literal pounds
of pot. So, the question remains, how does Buy And Hodl
one move units in an over-saturated mar-
ket? Twenty years ago, good weed was more The misspelling above is intentional, but
expensive—on the black market, at that— you cryptocurrency investors reading this
than it is today, even with tax included and already know that. The theory is, that if
purchased from the top shelf. Thankfully, by you had bought Bitcoin at the top of the
being the right combination of stupid and 2014 market, your investment would have
clever, there are several ways you can raise dropped to virtually nothing by the end of
prices without fucking up your market de- the year. However, if you had refused to sell,
mand. “hodl” style, and kept your Bitcoins for the
today, weed is on par with booze, in terms following four years, your investment would
Smuggle To Non-Legal States of how long the average teenager will get be at least six times the initial rate that you
grounded for having it. Plus, I’m no legal ex- put in—even at current, yearly lows. There-
The first—and most obvious—is Idaho. pert, but I’m pretty sure that contributing to fore, it’s only safe to assume that some-
That’s right—the great strip of land that sep- the delinquency of a minor is a far smaller thing—whether a drought or a change in
arates Oregon farmers from Utah Mormons crime than, say, selling heroin to teenagers, the laws—will end up having a serious im-
is full of cops and klan members, which as long as you’re not in the library or some pact on the supply and/or price of weed at
means that you can still get a hefty price for other federal building. The premium you some point in the future, but only time will
a pound of the loud shit. I’m not kidding, add to pot sold to kids has a much higher tell. Perhaps one of those “Portland drivers
either—while looking for weed in Boise, I margin than the premium dispensaries can on YouTube” winter seasons is approaching
had to meet up with a black Republican, add for adults. Plus, you’re almost guaran- us. Maybe the dispensary down the street
who drove a BMW and met me in a park- teed to double or triple your customer base, will catch fire in some weird, unpredictable
ing garage—like something straight out of as soon as the word gets out that you’re the fashion that only the insurance company
Grand Theft Auto. For $20, I received a half guy hanging around the record store with will be able to solve. Better yet, what if Big-
gram of the most mediocre cannabis I’ve medibles and dabs. Speaking of heroin... foot is real, and he’s intentionally smoking
smoked since high school. Yes, you’re go- up all the pot in Humboldt, before the fires
ing to be facing some serious time if you get Lie To Heroin Addicts And Sell Them reach Northern Cali? There’s no way of tell-
popped selling weed there, but since Idaho Hash Oil ing when your stashed-away stash will end
is, like eastern Oregon, mostly farm country, up being worth a pile of cash. In fact, that
just smuggle your bricks hidden in manure Look, I know that dishonesty is a bad thing, rhymed too well for it not to be true.
or some other, foul-smelling, literal shit that but you could be saving someone’s life here.
farm people keep in their trucks. Think local Either that, or we will all learn how to shoot
and act local. up THC. Regardless, I call this a win-win.
There is an opiate epidemic in our country
Sell Pot To Kids and one way to solve it, would be to turn the
teenage girls, who are taking that first step
This is a humor column, not intended to be of Oxycotin on the path to Heroinland, into
taken seriously, blah blah blah. Okay, with productive members of whatever art com-
that said—kids these days will pay a serious munity their high school offers. This is a last

Fuck. It’s the Christmas season. No, I’m I’m always thinking about tacos, regard- ing a few items for your family’s holiday
not saying that to be offensive to Pa- less of season (or seasoning). Thankfully, gift list? Bounce on over to Scarlet Lounge
gans, Jews, Muslims, Atheists or any one the good people of Portland know that and pick up free stocking stuffers, cour-
demographic—I call it Christmas season, tacos are on par with titties, and not one tesy of GlowFuckYourself.com—the best
because I don’t walk through the mall in but two clubs now feature readily acces- supplier of customized butt plugs in the
the middle of November and hear annoy- sible, folded Mexican delights, within area. Tired after a long day of holiday
ing Arab music, while being forced to buy inches of their establishment’s stages. At shopping? Then hit Desire, grab a lap
dreidel-themed coffee from a barista in Hawthorne Strip, customers can now ac- dance and then pick up some mochas
a hijab, who happens to be listening to cess Taco El Sol right there on the patio. from a sexy girl working at Sugar Cube
Death In June. That, in fact, would be awe- Lap dance, taco, cigarette, repeat. Sign me Coffee, now located in the club’s parking
some. Christmas isn’t offensive because the fuck up! A few miles up the street, a lot. There ya go, folks. There’s your plans
it’s Christian, American or western: it’s of- few blocks to the left and a block or two for next Wednesday.
fensive because it’s fucking everywhere— east, Club 205 is giving away tacos (please
the same way that people who think read that in Outrageous Audio Guy voice) Training Wheels On Fire
Christmas is offensive are everywhere. I every Monday and Tuesday, from 6pm
love me some capitalism, fables and egg- until 9pm. Plus, Club 205 is also running Aaron Ross (Ed Forman) has been on an
nog like anyone else without a stick up an open challenge to their customers to absolute tear as of late, with his YouTube
their ass, but not for two months in a row. decide what the theme of their new stage show, Training Wheels, gaining some se-
In a perfect world, we could just wrap up should be. Might I suggest...tacos?! Imag- rious traction (pun unavoidable). Hit up
the perverted mall Santas, offended-by- TrainingWheelsShow.com for the latest
Christmas social justice kids and whoever from Ross, particularly Episode 6: Least
owns that Mariah Carey song, stuff them Keist Of The East, which lampoons strip
down a chimney and fill it with coal—that club contests (ahem) and their ridiculous
would be a Christmas miracle. But, since titles (ahem in Dick Hennessy voice), all
that’s not legal (yet), I say it’s a good time while being respectful of our industry and
to put your holiday spirit to more positive, even featuring cameos from some of the
uplifting work. Speaking of... most well-known dancers in the area. Of
particular enjoyment, is the depiction of
Kit Kat Clothes Cold Kittens the DJ’s treatment of the feature perfor-
mance host—it’s a well-known fact, that
Have you ever thought, “Hey, I drink on hosts do all the work, while the DJ just
weekdays and pay women to dance to sits there, clicking around on YouTube
my favorite rap music...am I still a good and eating beef jerky, while drinking CBD
person?” Well, now is your chance to con- beer—because they couldn’t keep their
firm the suspicion, that behind every day gig as editor of Exotic. Is John even read-
drinker and nudie bar patron, there is a ing this? Sigh. Anyhow, Aaron’s team not
decent human being, just waiting to reach ine if, between songs, dancers passed only portrays this aspect of strip club DJs
out and help someone in need. All month around plates of tacos to all the customers in an accurate light, but there’s also a few
long, Kit Kat Club will be hosting Kit Kat who tip more than a dollar per song—I’d good scenes involving BDSM and giant
For A Kause—donations will be taken in be there every single night. piles of cum rags—all without a YouTube
the form of coats, shoes, socks, gloves and warning about age restriction. Hats off
any other applicable donations for wom- Mid-Week Missions to Ross and Training Wheels for breaking
en and children, in need during the cold boundaries left and right.
season. Anyone who brings a donation Forget about hitting the road on a week-
to the club will also receive a free cover, end for holiday shopping and a little de- Final Round Of Miss Exotic Oregon
which includes admission to a nightly fea- tour to the strip club—Portland traffic is 2019 Pre-Cum
ture showcase, featuring the best perfor- getting as bad as Portland music. Instead,
mances in town. I can’t say enough good hit the road and the clubs mid-week. Speaking of contests, Miss Exotic Oregon
shit about the Kit Kat Club (or any spot Think there’s not much going down on 2019 is finished—well, at least it will be by
that combines charity and Charity). a Wednesday? You’re wrong—Xpose is the time you read this column. However,
hosting S.I.N. (Service Industry Night) ev- I’m penning this column early, around the
Tacos On The Town ery Wednesday evening, so if you slang fifth of the month, so I have no idea who
drinks or bounce drunks, swing by with the winner is this year (we go to press a
You know what I think of, whenever I your state-issued “I’m Allowed To Do This” day before the final round). But, you can
think of December? Tacos! That’s because Card and join in the discounted fun! Miss- find out right now, by visiting our Face-
22 66 ee xx oo tt ii cc m
m aa gg aa zz ii nn ee || xx m
m aa gg .. cc oo m
m
book page (Facebook.com/XoticMag),
where the official announcement will be
made. In the past, you didn’t even have to
do that—you could just search the news-
feed for “lying judges rigged contest” and
read all sorts of nasty gossip and accusa-
tory nonsense. Thankfully, those days are
over. This year’s roster of finalists is of the
absolute, most professional caliber pos-
sible. I’d like to play favorites, but I can’t—
regardless of how badly I want to. Every
contestant thus far has brought their best
and I am highly anticipating a fantastic
final round. Plus, the voting is calculated
via a complex algorithm that eliminates
the possibility of Florida-style ambigu-
ity—when we announce the winner, she
will have earned it, along with a pile of
cash and a cover shoot for this publica- ries. Fill your head with eight-to-ten hours to play games to get lonely holiday tail.
tion. Here’s an early toast to the winner of campy, ‘80s gore. Then, go for a walk or Why are you even reading this column?
this year and a “you got robbed, try again take care of some errands—holiday music Call Chad and get some free holiday head,
next year and you’ll win” to the rest of you. and annoying crowds are so much easier plus maybe a back rub and some dinner.
to deal with, when you’ve got thoughts
Alternatives To Family Christmas of graphic murder running through your * Come out to your most bigoted grand-
Dinner head. Stuck in line? Just imagine stuffing parents. Even if you’re not gay/bi/trans/
“I’d Like To Return This” Lady into a wood Libertarian/etc., it’s always good for a
The holidays can be depressing, espe- chuckle, when you see how close you can
chipper, while Bing Crosby whistles in the
cially if you budget your relationships get Grandpa Who Still Says It With A Hard
background. See? She’s already trying to
like I do (being single from mid-October ‘R’ to a sweet, financially profitable heart
hurry up, now that you’ve got that look in
to St. Paddy’s saves a single man, on av- attack. The best way to do this, without a
your eye.
erage, two grand or so, which is why I doubt, is to “come out” in some fashion.
always “it’s not you, it’s me” my girlfriend * Call every one of your exes, at once, Sure, you’re kind of shitting on the strug-
a few weeks before Halloween). As a re- on a conference call, while drunk, using gles of a legitimately oppressed group
sult, you may be compelled to do some- speakerphone. Let’s face it, the one-after- when you do this, but it’s fucking funny
thing dumb, like participate in a holiday another approach is just one long, sad and it might end up in a landslide of in-
sale at Target (it’s barely even a discount string of rejection. However, if you can heritance dollars, if done correctly. Sadly,
and the whole place smells like rotten get all of your mistakes on the line at once my grandparents were civil rights activ-
popcorn and menopause), drive drunk in (just like your grandparents do when they ists, so when I told them about my biracial
the snow (yeah, it’s easy to blend in, but call your family on Christmas...buh-dum, boyfriend last year, they just sent him a
the tow trucks have better places to be) chiss), the in-fighting will not only pro- sweater. Hopefully, you’re in a better posi-
or give your hard-earned cash to one of vide immediate, exciting entertainment, tion—bring up the Confederate flag over
those homophobic bell-ringers outside of but the chance of you getting some tail dinner and see which one of your elders
the mall. actually increases, if you’re a straight starts to tense up—this is your target.
dude—women are competitive and they
So, I feel that, beyond saying, “Hey, just go
fucking hate each other. Wait for the first * Crash office holiday parties. This is so
to the strip club,” it would be fantastic of
“Well, I dumped his ass, but he dumped fucking easy, it’s scary—nine-out-of-ten
me to suggest some activities to get you
you, so neener neener” comment to come corporate offices post their holiday party
through a potentially bleak December:
up, then privately text whoever the tar- notice all over, from the lobby to the rest-
* Binge watch Halloween movies—not get of that comment was and tell her that room. I assume some large woman named
just the Michael Meyers franchise, but you miss her more than (Girl Who Said Brenda—who works the front office at a
anything that has a slasher theme—to The Mean Comment). Arrange for wine place that really doesn’t need a front of-
deal with the Christmas season. Spend an and chocolate, have some sex and then fice—is responsible for this, as it’s the
entire snow day watching the original Fri- discuss getting back together for a few only time of year she really gets to shine.
day The 13th or Nightmare On Elm Street se- days, before blocking her on social media. As long as Hypothetical Corporation, Inc.
If you’re into dudes, well, you don’t need has multiple departments or locations,
eexxoottiicc m
maaggaazziinnee || xxm
maagg..ccoom
m 2277
you can easily slide into one of these par-
ties as “Mark from sales” or “Bob from corpo-
rate,” before taking your pick from the most
expensive food, wine, women and men that
upper management has to offer. Last year, TUE 11 - LUCKY DEVIL LOUNGE
I almost fucked some lady from State Farm, TINY TUESDAY FLANNEL PARTY & CONTEST
because she thought I was “Ray from Boise.”
I’ve only been to Boise once and it was for a
drug deal—but, hey, who’s asking questions, SAT 15 - STARS CABARET (SALEM)
right? Office parties are great, because they’re UGLY XMAS SWEATER PARTY
full of people who aren’t allowed to have fun
for most of the year, and have to return to their
spouse/kids/cats the next day. There is a limit- WED 19 - THE FIREHOUSE CABARET
ed time for debauchery, and trust me, the cou- FEATURE ENTERTAINER CALLIE JANE
gars working at Fry’s Electronics want to make
the most of it. Forget about strip clubs and
modeling shops—if you want to meet a real THU 20 & FRI 21 - THE SUNSET STRIP
freak, find out where Xerox is having their Non- FEATURE ENTERTAINER CALLIE JANE
specific Inclusive Holiday Function and sneak
in some cocaine. Bonus points: if you don’t get
laid, you can network—just don’t tell anyone SAT 22 - CLUB SINROCK
how you found out about the party.
CUSTOMER XMAS PARTY (FREE FOOD)
But, Really, Go To The Strip Club On
Christmas SAT 22 - KIT KAT CLUB
Yup. Ditch the family, let grandpa have the good FEATURE ENTERTAINER CALLIE JANE
chair and head on over to your local club. While
many clubs may be open on Christmas, of those
that have made it explicit to our publication,
SAT 22 - REVEAL LOUNGE
there will be dancers waiting for you and your NAUGHTY OR NICE? HOLIDAY PARTY
Santa hat on Christmas at Cabaret, Club Rouge,
Cheetahs Cabaret, Columbia Strip and Stars Cab-
aret Bridgeport. In addition to day-of libations, SUN 23 - DEVILS POINT
there are several clubs having holiday parties BAD XMAS SWEATER & MUSTACHE PARTY
throughout the month, so check the calendar at
the end of this column for more info.
TUE 25 - STARS CABARET (BRIDGEPORT)
UGLY XMAS SWEATER PARTY
FRI 28 - TOMMY’S TOO

WORLD-FAMOUS DAISY DUKE CONTEST
MON 31 - SPYCE - CHAMPAGNE SHOWERS
MON 31 - NEW YEAR’S PARTY

CABARET, CLUB SINROCK, CHEETAHS
CABARET (SALEM), XPOSE

I’ve put this column on hold for a few only) if such talent is up to the estab- swered, “Which stage are you talking
months, simply because I didn’t like the lished caliber of the club. Translating about, the one in the back?”
direction it was headed—while I love list- this into layman’s terms, I was gigging
icles and clickbait, it’s not “Tales” in terms at a new strip joint that was in need of I stepped back a few paces in the con-
of what our readers want. So, I thank ev- dancers—but, only hot, talented ones. versation. “Okay, let me rephrase this. I
eryone who has put up with HazMatt’s am your DJ, my name is Ray.”
absence and/or phoning-it-in recently. Upon arriving to the club early (only
Thankfully, I’ve got some of the old spirit two minutes late for my “hour before She interrupted, “Oh, my bad, you must
back and I hope our readers enjoy a re- the night shift” slot), I made my usual work here.”
turn to old form. rounds and eventually hit the dressing
“Yes, I’m in your dressing room.”
I might not actually be going to hell “What is your role again?”
anymore.
I was somewhat confused as to what
See, it’s not that I’ve done a lot of bad she meant by “role,” but I took into con-
shit in my lifetime, but rather, how sideration how the club occasionally
much horrible stuff I’ve allowed to featured bands, feature performances
happen without intervening. Take, for and the like.
instance, the blind eye I purposely turn
on asshole, coke-snorting hipsters as Considering her apparent naivety
they attempt to break the slightest of (while avoiding a sarcastic response in-
rules while patronizing (literally and volving dungeons and dice), I repeat-
figuratively) the bars I DJ at. It’s not ed my initial response. “The role I play
that I want nautical-star-tatted, goat- here is the DJ…disc jockey—I play the
fucking, Freddie Mercury wannabes music. What kind of music have you
putting their hairy palms on the girls been dancing to?”
I work with. Rather, it’s the sound that
a pair of neon, non-prescription glass- Baby deer responded, “Classical most-
es makes when the bouncer uses the ly, but I’ve done a few plays.”
head attached to them to open the
back door...god, I love that sound. In Okay, this was getting a little odd.
other words, if the end result benefits Slightly sexy, but mostly odd. I had to
me in any way, I usually support it. ask, “Have you been on stage at all?”
room. Standing next to the baby wipes “Oh yeah, all throughout last year, be-
A few years ago, I arrived to DJ at (what and calculator was an impressively at-
was then) a brand new, centrally lo- fore I graduated,” she responded.
tractive young girl—one who seemed
cated, swanky club. Said club is in the somewhat startled to see me.
tier of prime-shift clubs that are not I came straight out with the conde-
quick to just hire random warm bodies scending Ray tone that so many danc-
“Hey, I’m Ray. What’s your stage name?” ers in this city have learned to ignore
off the street. It was partially my duty,
even as a DJ, to facilitate the audition- Staring at me like a hot, unassuming by now: “Let me clarify what I mean...
ing of new talent—especially (well, deer in a G-string, the young fawn an- have you been naked in this establish-
ment, at all, at any point today?”

“Oh god no,” the poor fawn responded. line of questioning), I had her personal will have skipped right past the Stella
Facebook page pulled up. and into the Stoli, without even stop-
I expanded, “Have you been naked in ping for a cigarette. Just one swing
any establishment, other than your “Fawn, I mean, Lindsay Middleinitial around that pole and you will be
own house?” She looked insulted and Lastname from Hometown, OR, who branded a stripper for life. I love strip-
asked me to clarify. I went full McCar- checked into Starbucks at 123 Main pers—they pay my bills. Hell, some of
thy. “Are you now, or have you ever St. last night with her boyfriend, Clue- my best friends are strippers. But, you
been, a stripper?” less McSwaggy*, you’ve just given a don’t look like the type of girl who
man who used to DJ by ‘Statutory Ray’ wants to be included in any category
The baby deer took slight offense to enough information to wait outside of where the person describing it has to
my question. “No, I just thought that your dad’s house, with your double tall preface it with ‘some of my best friends
I would try this out. I graduated from latte and immediate, short-in-duration are.’ Now, you’re gonna do me a favor
high school, like, three weeks ago and future, sitting in the palm of his hand, and stand there, with your clothes on,
I’m only going to do this for a month, next to the keys for a rental car and a and look pretty. As soon as a custom-
before moving to Chicago for art col- legally concealed weapon. Not only are er who doesn’t work here walks in,
lege. The owner said you guys were au- you naïve enough for any other creepy start looking stupid instead of pretty,
ditioning dancers.” DJ who meets you to make this a reali- point at my computer screen, and with
ty, if given six hours to validate whatev- a confused look, say ‘you don’t have
“Meet me in the booth,” I responded. er lost piece of your sexuality you may
“I’m going to show you something.” the song.’ You’re going to do this for
be looking for—while frantically trying the next thirty minutes until your shift
ends.” Then, I told Fawn about how I
was going through a simultaneous
breakup and midlife crisis, before ask-
ing her to forgive me (and, echoing the
sentiment to the club owner via text
message).
The next day, Fawn/Lindsay accept-

ed my Facebook request (I’m going to
make sure my Chicago buddies don’t
see her at The Booty, Glock & Pop or
whatnot) and the owner had respond-
ed to my text (“I wondered about that
when I saw her birth date—didn’t real-
ize she had just graduated...good call”).
A small piece of me had died the night
before in that DJ booth (and twice next
to the computer desk at home) and
knowing that I could have been the
After I was done logging in to Face- guy who discovered—hell, created…
book on my DJ laptop, the elfish (but to hide tears and giving your first lap literally and figuratively—the next
extremely hot—like the kind of elf dance to a guy named after the limb Amanda Bynes was something that
you’d want to bang) girl approached he didn’t lose in Vietnam—but, I can still keeps me up at night. Still, some-
me and re-introduced herself. “My promise you that the money you make one’s father is unknowingly very happy
name is Lindsay* and I think I will go tonight wouldn’t get you naked if put with me for having the gall to tell his
by ‘Fawn*’.” I began with the passive- in front of your face at a friend’s birth- teenage daughter to stay clothed and
aggressive lecture, asking ‘Fawn’ where day party. Yet, here you are, about to broke while she waits for college to
she went to high school and what her show your clit to guys who just left the start. So, I guess there’s a first time for
zodiac sign was. She probably thought porn theater next door for less than the everything. But, in terms of pole danc-
I was flirting (and if she was a year old- price of a canned Pabst.” ing between summer camp and swim
er, I would have been). Then, I asked team practice, it’s better for a girl who
I continued. “Granted, you’ve never le- has been raised behind a picket fence
what her favorite band was and what gally had a drop of alcohol, but by the
she liked to do on the weekends. With- to begin her pole dancing career in
time you are old enough to taste the the safe, non-alcoholic, suburban con-
in two or three clicks of my mouse (and stuff in three years, you will be so far
without the assistance of any further fines of Jiggles—which is now, sadly, a
down the cocaine rabbit hole that you Cracker Barrel.

an egg and stripping it down to $3.97 means man: You Must Capture Most Of Them!”
that you don’t quite get as much in the way
of “robotics,” but you still get some hatching. Harold Wandwiggle
Just light the fuse, stand a solid distance away
and in 5-7 seconds, BAM!!! Eggtaculario blasts When you don’t have the dosh for official
crumpled wads of fake fur and other remark- Harry Potter-brand Silly British Wizard Shit,
able bullshit all over the room, with a deafen- there’s this guy. Harold, attendant of the less-
ing bang. Anything retrieved after this low- prestigious Pigpimple College Of Sorcery
powered, more-or-less-safe-for-indoor-use And Chiropractics, was given a scar shaped
explosive goes off, is sure to be cherished like a tornado on his chin, by the sinister Lord
for days to come. Foldormord—forever marking his destiny.
Harold and his friends—Don Ferrety and Anti-
Unboxy Girl gone Farmhouse—must struggle to triumph
over evil, while still attending their studies
A take-off of the more well-known toy, amidst a cast of dishwatery-but-amusing
wherein you buy a doll that apparently has an weirdoes, such as dislikable fellow stu-
Amazon Prime account, as she comes with an dent, Darko Badfoil, and the ogre ground-
assortment of tiny boxes to open (yes, that’s skeeper, Merle Haggard.
actually a thing). Unboxy Girl is simply the
Section 8 version. It’s still a doll, modeled after Johnny Superfast Chemical Lab Kit
a young woman of ambiguous ethnicity and
indeterminate (but young) age, and it still ex- Some toys are not only classics, but educa-
tolls the joy of taking junk you bought out of tional, as well. Chemistry sets can spur the
the box it came in. However, instead of com- scientific curiosity often found in kids be-
ing with her own crap to open, she herself fore their spirit is well and truly crushed, and
comes swaddled in layer after layer of sturdy, are well-regarded gifts. They are expensive,
opaque packaging, thereby sapping the kid’s though—even a cheap one can be over a
energy to complain, after they rip and tear hundred dollars. What to do? Well, the Johnny
their way through some of the toughest-to- Superfast Chemical Lab Kit comes with only
Why, look at the time! It’s annual gift-giving the practical essentials: ephedrine, rubbing
open cardboard Taiwan can produce.
season! Adults have their own rules for pur- alcohol, toluene, ether, sulfuric acid, salt, io-
chasing presents for one another, as seen Mr. Paws dine, lab glass and coffee filters. Your kid will
elsewhere in this month’s Exotic. But, we know feel just like (but, legally separate from) televi-
that the real “reason for the season” is to des- Trending this year are interactive pets—fan- sion’s Walter White. And, with a little practice,
perately placate the children, who so often tastic technological creations which are plush, the kit can end up paying for itself in, umm...
find their way into our lives. However, this is holdable, teachable, and sometimes, even ways.
easier said than done. wearable. The level of investment in research
and development has made for some truly So, there you have it—what to look for when
Kids’ toys are often expensive—and time- cutting-edge toys. Mr. Paws, however, didn’t you use your EBT card for dubious purchases
consuming—to locate and purchase. Grown- involve a great amount of R&D, many market- of toys, which will, of course, appear as food
ups barely have enough time during the ing focus groups, surveys or psychological on the receipt, to avoid government scrutiny
holidays to sit down and drink themselves consulting to perfect. However, Mr. Paws still and to quash the potential for refunds. They
into oblivion, let alone buy the appropriate manages to be all the things that kids want say kids are the most brand-aware consumers
squawking bits of plastic for cousin Mandy’s in a companion and can obtained for cheap out there and I believe it. But, I also believe
spoiled, fatbody of a fatherless brat. So often (or, even free). How is this possible? Well, Mr. that all toys can be educational toys. In this
we overlook the obvious solution to paying Paws is a dog—the regular kind. See the guy case, if they don’t like it, they learn that disap-
seventy-five goddamned dollars for a brand- in the parking lot with a sack of puppies and a pointment is the nature of life. Suck it up, kid.
name Entertaining Destructible. And, that so- minivan for more details.
lution is a visit to the “superstore” in the strip Habari Gani,
mall, next to eight competing Vietnamese nail Pokuman
salons. All these toys are obtainable there— -WSTM
and, for only a fraction of the cost of a more Why pay Nintendo? Cut-rate, almost-replicas
Wombstretcha The Magnificent is a profession-
famous product. of the popular collectible toy series have
al philosopher, semi-registered voter, goat lari-
existed nearly as long as the original, which ateer, guy who makes angry noise when people
Eggtaculario! debuted nearly 23 years ago. Wouldn’t your chew with their mouths open, writer and retired
bratty nephew Carlos just light up with joy, rapper from Portland, OR. He can be found at
Is it a “Hatchimal?” Well, it’s close enough, but when presented with his very own Pokachew, Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter as @Wombstret-
still legally distinct from one. Taking the core Scorchmander or Scrotle? No? Too bad. “Poku- cha503 and on Facebook by name.
premise of a robot toy that hatches itself from

CO
STRIP CLUBS EVERY T H I NG ELS E

PIRATE’S COVE 29 FOOD LOTTERY PEEP HOLE 131
7417 NE Sandy Blvd | (503) 287-8900 709 SE 122nd Ave | (503) 257-8617
Daily 2pm-2:30am Daily 24 hours 37
ACROPOLIS 1 FOOD LOTTERY ADAM & EVE 121
8325 SE McLoughlin Blvd | (503) 231-9611 REVEAL LOUNGE 4 FOOD LOTTERY
9220 SW Barbur Blvd | (503) 224-1604 PINK KITTYS 172
Daily 10:30am-2:30am 8345 SW Barbur Blvd | (503) 477-6628 Mon-Thu 11am-9pm, Fri-Sat 11am-11pm, 314 W Burnside St, Suite 300
Daily 2pm-2am Daily 24 hours
BOTTOMS UP! 5 FOOD LOTTERY Sun 12pm-6pm
16900 NW St Helens Rd | (503) 621-9844 RIVERSIDE CORRAL 31 FOOD LOTTERY ALL ADULT VIDEO 103 PUSSYCATS 134 SW
55
Daily 12pm-2:30am 545 SE Tacoma St | (503) 232-6813 14555 SE McLoughlin Blvd | (503) 652-2004 3414 NE 82nd Ave | (503) 384-2794
Mon-Sat 10am-2:30am, Sun 1pm-1am 5226 SE Foster Rd | (971) 255-0133 112
CABARET 7 FOOD LOTTERY Daily 24 hours
17544 SE Stark St | (503) 252-3529 ROSE CITY STRIP 10 FOOD LOTTERY ARMCHAIR FAMILY VIDEO 105
5141 SW Beaverton Hillsdale Hwy | (503) 245-4393
3620 SE 35th Pl | (503) 760-8128 Daily 24 hours 162 157
Daily 2pm-2:30am 3205 SE Milwaukie Ave | (503) 477-5446 18
Daily 3pm-2:30am SECRET RENDEZVOUS 136
CLUB 205 56 FOOD LOTTERY Mon-Fri 11am-6pm, Sat 11am-5pm
THE RUNWAY GENTLEMEN’S CLUB 55 FOOD LOTTERY
169
10518-B NE Sandy Blvd | (971) 279-2940
9939 SE Stark St | (503) 256-0527 CINDIE’S 109 Daily 24 hours 149
Daily 11am-2:30am 1735 SE Tualatin Valley Hwy | (503) 640-4086 8201 SE Powell Blvd #H | (503) 771-9979
Mon-Wed Noon-1am, Thu-Fri Noon-2:30am, SHEENA’S G SPOT 137
CLUB ROUGE 48 FOOD LOTTERY Mon-Sat 9am-12am, Sun 11am-10pm
C ED A R H
Sat 4pm-2:30am & Sun 4pm-1am 8315 SW Barbur Blvd | (503) 972-1111
403 SW Harvey Milk St | (503) 227-3936 EYE CANDY FASHIONS 171
SCARLET LOUNGE 60 FOOD LOTTERY Daily 24 hours
M U R R AY R D .
Mon-Sat 11am-2am, Sun 2pm-2am 19255 E Burnside St | (503) 665-8222
12646 SE Division St | (503) 477-4318 SILVER SPOON 139 SP
CLUB SINROCK 23 FOOD LOTTERY Tue-Sat 10am-8pm, Sun-Mon By Appointment
I
R IN
LL
Daily 11am-2:30am 8521 SW Barbur Blvd | (503) 245-0489 G FI
S
FANTASY FOR ADULTS ONLY (5) 180
LV EL
12035 NE Glisan St | (503) 889-0332
B
D.
Daily 2pm-2:30am SHIMMERS GENTLEMEN’S CLUB 40 FOOD LOTTERY 3137 NE Sandy Blvd | (503) 239-6969
Mon-Sat 10am-7pm, Sun 11am-5pm
8000 SE Foster Rd | (971) 230-0047 SPARTACUS LEATHERS 141
COLUMBIA STRIP 32 FOOD LOTTERY Daily 10am-2:30am
Daily 24 hours
300 SW 12th Ave | (503) 224-2604
605 N Columbia Blvd | (503) 289-1351 1703 W Burnside St | (503) 295-6969
Daily 11am-1am SKINN GENTLEMEN’S CLUB 21 FOOD Daily 10am-3am Sun-Thu 10am-11pm, Fri-Sat 10am-12am
4523 NE 60th Ave | (503) 288-9771 10720 SW Beaverton-Hillsdale Hwy SYLVIA’S PLAYHOUSE 163
DANCIN’ BARE 11 FOOD LOTTERY Sun-Thu 11am-2am, Fri-Sat 11am-1am 8226 NE Fremont St | (503) 568-4090 D.
8440 N Interstate Ave | (503) 285-9073 (503) 235-6969 FERR
Y R
Daily 11:30am-2:30am SPYCE GENTLEMEN’S CLUB 49 FOOD LOTTERY Daily 10am-10pm Daily 24 hours O LLS
CH
33 NW 2nd Ave | (503) 243-4646 15536 SE 82nd Dr | (503) 203-6969 TABOO VIDEO (4) 144 S
DESIRE 18 FOOD LOTTERY Sun-Thu 6pm-2:30am, Fri-Sat 3pm-2:30am
SW
Downtown: 311 NW Broadway | (503) 227-3443
535 NE Columbia Blvd | (971) 339-2198 Daily 10am-Midnight
Daily 3pm-2:30am STARS CABARET BRIDGEPORT 50 FOOD 6440 SW Coronado St | (503) 244-6969 Mon-Wed 11am-1am. Thu-Sat 11am-3am,
17939 SW McEwan Rd | (503) 726-2403 Daily 24 Hours Sun 12pm-12am
DEVILS POINT 12 FOOD LOTTERY Mon-Sat 11am-2am, Sun 4pm-2am Portland: 237 SE MLK Blvd | (503) 239-1678
5305 SE Foster Rd | (503) 774-4513 FANTASYLAND (2) 116
THE SUNSET STRIP 37 FOOD LOTTERY 5228 SE Foster Rd | (503) 775-0094 Portland: 2330 SE 82nd Ave | (503) 777-6033
Daily 11am-2:30am Vancouver: 4811 NE 94th Ave | (360) 254-1126
10205 SW Park Way | (503) 297-8466 Daily 24 hours
DREAM ON SALOON 16 FOOD LOTTERY Mon-Fri 11:30am-2:30am, Sat 4pm-2:30am, Daily 24 hours
16016 SE 82nd Dr | (503) 655-4667
Y
15920 SE Stark St | (503) 253-8765
W
Sun 5pm-2:30am Daily 24 hours TORCHED ILLUSIONS 149
H
Daily 11:30am-2am
C
TOMMY’S TOO 39 FOOD FAT COBRA VIDEO 118 17935 SW Tualatin Valley Hwy | (503) 259-2310
FI
55
DV8 17 FOOD LOTTERY
CI
10335 SE Foster Rd | (503) 432-8238 5940 N Interstate Ave | (503) 247-DICK (3425) Daily 6am-12am 112
PA
5021 SE Powell Blvd | (503) 788-7178 Daily 10am-2am TORCHED ILLUSIONS II 169
Daily 2pm-2:15am Mon-Fri 6am-3am, Sat-Sun 24 hours
SW
THE VENUE GENTLEMEN’S CLUB 52 FOOD LOTTERY FSO 147 12963 SW Pacific Hwy | (503) 430-5140 162 157
THE GOLD CLUB 72 FOOD LOTTERY 9950 SE Stark St | (503) 477-9523 Daily 11am-10pm
17180 SE McLoughlin Blvd | (503) 908-1177 833 SE Main St #232 | (503) 490-6985 169
Daily 10am-2:30am Tue-Sat 12pm-6pm THE VELVET ROPE 101 149

Mon-Sat 11am-2:30am, Sun 4pm-12am 3533 SE César E Chávez Ave | (971) 271-7064
D U RH
THE WHISKEY CLUB 24 HEAD EAST 164
GOLDEN DRAGON EXOTIC CLUB 62 18+ Thu 8pm-2am, Fri-Sat 8:30pm-4am,
C ED A R H
818 SW 1st Ave | TBD 13250 SE Division St | (503) 761-3777
324 SW 3rd Ave | (503) 274-1900 Mon-Sat 6pm-2:30am Sun 8pm-2am
Sun-Thu 10am-9pm, Fri-Sat 10am-10pm
M U R R AY R D .
Daily 6pm-Sunrise
D I SP ENSA R IE S
WHISPERS 67 HOT BOX 157
L I
GRIND GENTLEMEN’S CLUB 65 FOOD LOTTERY 8102 NE Killingsworth St | (971) 255-1039
15826 SE Division St | (503) 206-4851 4589 SW Watson Ave | (503) 574-4057
Daily 11am-3am Mon-Sat 11am-10pm, Sun 11am-9pm
Mon-Sat 12pm-2am, Sun 4pm-2am
XPOSE 70 FOOD LOTTERY MARIJUANA PARADISE G
GUILTY PLEASURES 28 FOOD LOTTERY LIBERATED WORLD 123 9663 SW Barbur Blvd | (503) 206-7462
10140 SW Canyon Rd | (503) 430-5364 10660 SE Division St | (503) 257-6881
13639 SE Powell Blvd | (503) 760-8128 Daily 3pm-2:30am Daily 10am-8pm
Daily 1:30pm-2:30am Daily 24 hours NECTAR - NE SANDY B
HAWTHORNE STRIP 19 FOOD LOTTERY MR. PEEP’S / MR. PEEP’S TOO (2) 162 3350 NE Sandy Blvd | (971) 703-4777 LLS F
E
3532 SE Powell Blvd | (503) 232-9516 13355 SW Henry St | (503) 643-6645 NECTAR - MISSISSIPPI D SC
HO
20625 SW TV Hwy, Aloha OR | (503) 356-5624 SW

Daily 2pm-2:30am 4125 N Mississippi | (503) 206-4818
Daily 24 hours Daily 10am-11pm
KIT KAT CLUB 69 FOOD LOTTERY
231 SW Ankeny St | (503) 208-3229 OREGON THEATER 127 NECTAR - SW PORTLAND E
Daily 5pm-2:30am 3530 SE Division St | (503) 232-7469 10931 SW 53rd Avenue | (503) 477-8800
Daily from 12pm Daily 10am-11pm
LUCKY DEVIL LOUNGE 47 FOOD LOTTERY
633 SE Powell Blvd | (503) 206-7350 PARADISE ADULT SUPERSTORE 128
Daily 11am-2:30am 14712 SE Stark St | (503) 255-9414
Daily 24 hours
MARY’S CLUB 25 FOOD LOTTERY
129 SW Broadway | (503) 227-3023 PASSIONATE DREAMS 130
Daily 11:30am-2:30am 6644 SE 82nd Ave | (503) 775-6665
Daily 10am-4am
38 exotic magazine | xmag.com 38 exotic magazine xmag.com

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OREGON ADULT LAND
MEDFORD SPRINGFIELD
BOBBI’S VIP ROOM
LY N N W O O D
DEANNA’S VIDEO
ALBANY 2755 S Pacific Hwy / (541) 770-5493
Videos, Magazines, Toys, Novelties, Lingerie
1195 Main St / (541) 844-1019
Full Bar, Full Menu, 4 Stages
15329 Highway 99 / (425) 742-7747
Videos, Magazines, Arcade, Novelties, Toys
ADULT SHOP Mon-Fri 9am-7pm, Sat 10am-5pm Mon-Sat 12pm-2:30am 9am-1am / 7 Days
3404 Spicer Dr SE / (541) 812-2522 BRICK HOUSE LOVERS LAIR
ADULT SHOP
Videos, Magazines, Books, Novelties, Arcade, 136 4th St / (541) 988-1612 4001 198th St SW #7 / (425) 775-4502
261 Barnett Rd / (541) 772-5220
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24 Hours / 7 Days 11am-2:30am / 7 Days Supplies
Lingerie
ASTORIA 24 Hours / 7 Days SPICE ADULT EMPORIUM Mon-Sat 10am-10pm, Sun 12pm-6pm
PASCO
CASTLE MEGASTORE 1166 South A St / (541) 726-6969
ANNIE’S SALOON 1601 N Riverside Ave / (541) 608-9540 Videos, Mags, Clothes, Novelties, Arcade
2897 Marine Dr / (503) 325-2746 Essentials For Lovers Mon-Tue 8am-12am, Wed-Sun 24 Hours
ELMO’S ADULT BOOKS & VIDEO
Full Bar, 1 Stage Sun-Thu 11am-10pm, Fri-Sat 11am-11pm THE MANCAVE 3724 N Rainier Ave / (509) 547-5341
NEWPORT
Tue-Sat 5pm-2:30am 1444 Main St / (541) 515-6656 DVDs, Books, Magazines, Novelties & Arcade
BEND Full Bar, Full Menu, 1 Stage
Mon-Fri 12pm-2:30am, Sat-Sun 4pm-2:30am
Mon-Sat 9am-12am, Sun 10am-10pm
IMAGINE THAT
197 NE Third St / (541) 312-8100
SPICE ADULT EMPORIUM
611 SW Coast Highway / (541) 574-6969
THE DALLES RENTON
Videos, Magazines, Multi-Channel Arcade CLUB SINROCK
Videos, Mags, Toys, Body Jewelry, Novelty Gifts 24 Hours / 7 Days ADULT SHOP
208 SW 16th St / (425) 255-3110
OAKLAND
24 Hours / 7 Days 3506 W 6th St / (541) 298-1874
18+ Gentlemen’s Club, 1 Stage, ATM
STARS CABARET Videos, Magazines, Books, Novelties, Arcade,
Mon-Fri 2pm-2am, Sat-Sun 6pm-2am
197 NE 3rd St / (541) 388-4081 Lingerie
Full Bar, Full Menu, Beautiful Dancers
ADULT SHOP
726 John Long Rd / (541) 849-3344
Sun-Thu 10am-12am, Fri-Sat 10am-2am
S E AT T L E
Mon-Sat 11am-2am, Sun 4pm-2am
Videos, Magazines, Books, Novelties, Arcade,
U M AT I L L A DANCING BARE
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Sun-Thu 8am-12am, Fri-Sat 24 Hours RIVERSIDE SPORTS BAR AND LOUNGE
10338 Aurora Ave N / (206) 523-1227
18+, 1 Stage, VIP Area, ATM, DVDs, Toys, Novelties
ROSEBURG
BACHELOR’S INN 1501-6th St / (541) 922-4112
11am-2:30am / 7 Days
63721 Edwards Rd / (541) 266-8827 2 Stages, Full Bar, Lottery, Full Menu,
1 Stage, Full Bar, Full Menu Closed Mon, Tue-Thu 4pm-2:30am, HOLLYWOOD EROTIC BOUTIQUE
FILLED WITH FUN Fri 11am-2:30am, Sat-Sun 12pm-2:30am 12706 Lake City Way NE / (206) 363-0056
Mon-Sat 4pm-2:30am, Sun 6pm-2:30am 2498 Old Highway 99E S / (541) 957-3741
CORVALLIS
Adult Entertainment: 6pm-2am DVDs, Toys, Novelties, Lingerie, Theater
Novelties, Videos, Arcade, Toys, Magazines
WASHINGTON
24 Hours / 7 Days
Mon-Thu 10am-10pm, Fri 10am-12am, SANDS SHOWGIRLS
ADULT SHOP Sat 11am-12am, Sun 12pm-9pm 7509 15th Ave NW / (206) 782-1225
SALEM
2315 9th St NW / (541) 754-7039
ABERDEEN
18+ Gentlemen’s Club (No Cover), Pool, ATM
Videos, Magazines, Books, Novelties, Arcade, 12pm-2:30am / 7 Days
Lingerie TABOO VIDEO
ADULT SHOP THE FANTASY SHOP
Sun-Thu 10am-12am, Fri-Sat 10am-12am 9813 16th Ave SW / (206) 767-4855
155 Lancaster Dr SE / (503) 585-8288
EUGENE
213 E Wiskah St / (360) 532-8078
Videos, Magazines, Books, Novelties, Arcade, Adult Products & Smoke Supplies DVDs, Novelties, Arcade, Theater, Best Prices
Lingerie Mon-Thu 11am-10pm, Fri-Sat 11am-11pm, 8am-12am / 7 Days
ADULT SHOP 24 Hours / 7 Days Sun 12pm-8pm VIDEO VIDEOS
90 Holeman Aly / (541) 688-5411 ADULT SHOP 10326 Lake City Way NE / (206) 523-5973
Videos, Magazines, Books
Videos, Magazines, Books, Novelties, Arcade, 2410 Mission St SE / (503) 763-3556 DVDs, Magazines, Books, Toys, Novelties,
BREMERTON
MON-SAT 11AM-1AM, SUN 11AM-12AM
Lingerie Videos, Magazines, Books, Novelties, Arcade, Theater
24 Hours / 7 Days Lingerie 10am-3am / 7 Days
ELMO’S ADULT BOOKS & VIDEO
SHORELINE
ADULT SHOP 24 Hours / 7 Days
720 Garfield St / (541) 345-2873 ADULT SHOP 338 N Callow Ave / (360) 373-0551
Videos, Magazines, Books, Novelties, Arcade, 3113 River Rd N / (503) 390-4371 DVDs, Books, Magazines, Novelties & Arcade
Lingerie Mon-Sat 8am-2am, Sun 10am-10pm RONNA’S VIDEO
Videos, Magazines, Books, Novelties, Arcade, 19540 Aurora Ave N / (206) 542-1044
Sun-Thu 10am-12am, Fri-Sat 10am-2am Lingerie TURF NEWS
ADULT SHOP 321 N Callow Ave / (360) 479-0111 Videos, Magazine, Arcade, Novelties, Toys
10am-12am / 7 Days Open Sun-Thu 9am-12am, Fri-Sat 9am-1am
86784 Franklin Blvd / (541) 636-3203 BOB’S ADULT BOOKS Videos, Magazines, Books
Videos, Magazines, Books, Arcade, Novelties, 3815 State St / (503) 363-3846 Mon-Sat 11am-1am, Sun 11am-12am
S I LV E R D A L E
DES MOINES
Lingerie Adult Books, Videos, Arcade & Mini-Theater
8am-12am / 7 Days 9am-2am / 7 Days CASTLE MEGASTORE
B&B DISTRIBUTORS CHEETAHS XXX CABARET AIRPORT VIDEO 2 2789 NW Randall Way / (360) 308-0779
710 W 6th Ave / (541) 683-8999 3453 Silverton Rd NE / (503) 316-6969 21635 Pacific Highway S / (206) 878-7780 Essentials For Lovers
Videos, Arcade, Clothing, Novelties, Viewing Room 18+ Juice Bar, Full Menu Theater, Arcade, Video Peep Shows, Movies, Sun-Thu 11am-10pm, Fri-Sat 11am-11pm
SPOKANE
24 Hours / 7 Days Tue-Thu 7pm-4am, Fri-Sat 6pm-5am, Novelties & Toys
CASTLE MEGASTORE Sun 7pm-4am 10am-2am / 7 Days
DIZZY’S SMOKE SHOP
EVERETT
3570 W 11th Ave / (541) 988-9226 HOLLYWOOD EROTIC BOUTIQUE
Essentials For Lovers 1051 Commercial St SE / (503) 585-0050 3813 N Division St / (509) 324-8961
Sun-Thu 11am-11pm, Fri-Sat 11am-1am Mon-Fri 12pm-8pm, Sat-Sun 12pm-5pm DVDs, Toys, Novelties, Lingerie
THE NILE 4823 Commercial St SE / (503) 385-1564 AIRPORT VIDEO 1
11732 Airport Rd / (425) 290-7555 Mon-Thu 9am-12am, Fri-Sat 9am-2am
1030 Highway 99 N / (541) 688-1869 Mon-Fri 10am-9pm, Sat-Sun 10am-6pm
21+ Head Shop & Gift Shop Theater, Arcade, Videos, Magazines, Novelties & Sun 12pm-10pm
Full Bar, Full Menu, Dancers
Mon-Sat 12pm-2am, Sun 3pm-12am THE FIREHOUSE CABARET 24 Hours / 7 Days
SPOKANE VALLEY
SILVER DOLLAR CLUB
2620 W 10th Pl / (541) 485-2303
5782 Portland Rd NE / (503) 393-4782
Full Bar, Full Menu, Lottery KENNEWICK CASTLE MEGASTORE
Full Bar, Food, 3 Stages Mon-Sat 12pm-2:30am, Sun 6pm-2:30am CASTLE MEGASTORE 11324 E Sprague Ave / (509) 893-1180
Mon-Sat 11:30am-2:30am, Sun 6pm-2:30am SPICE ADULT EMPORIUM 522 N Columbia Center Blvd / (509) 374-8276 Essentials For Lovers
GERVAIS
3473 Silverton Rd NE / (503) 370-7080 Essentials For Lovers Sun-Thu 10am-10pm, Fri-Sat 10am-1am
Videos, Magazines, Multi Ch. Arcade Sun-Thu 10am-11pm, Fri-Sat 10am-1am HOLLYWOOD EROTIC BOUTIQUE
KENT
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LAST CHANCE SALOON
7650 Checkerboard Ct / (503) 792-5100 STARS CABARET DVDs, Toys, Novelties, Lingerie, Theater
1550 Weston Ct NE / (503) 370-8063 THE FANTASY SHOP 24 Hours / 7 Days
Full Bar, Lottery, 1 Stage
12pm-2:30am / 7 Days Full Bar, Full Menu, Sports Room, 4 Stages
Mon-Sat 11am-2:30am, Sun 4pm-2:30am
604 Central Ave S / (253) 850-8428
TA C O M A
K L A M AT H F A L L S
Adult Products & Smoke Supplies
SUGAR SHACK GENTLEMEN’S CLUB Mon-Thu 10am-10pm, Fri-Sat 10am-11pm, CASTLE MEGASTORE
3803 Commercial St SE / (503) 371-1565 Sun 12pm-8pm 6015 Tacoma Mall Blvd / (253) 471-0391
THE ALIBI
LAKEWOOD
Full Bar, Full Menu, Light-Up Dance Floor And Pole Essentials For Lovers
5711 S 6th St / (541) 882-0145 11:30am-2am / 7 Days
1Stage, Private Dances, Full Bar, Lottery 10am-1am / 7 Days
VIXENS ELMO’S ADULT BOOKS & VIDEO
3pm-2:30am / 7 Days 3815 State St / (971) 304-7082 ELMO’S ADULT BOOKS & VIDEO
5440 South Tacoma Way / (253) 474-9871
LINCOLN CITY Lingerie Modeling 3922 100th St SW / (253) 582-3329
DVDs, Books, Magazines, Novelties & Arcade DVDs, Books, Magazines, Novelties & Arcade
24 Hours / 7 Days Mon-Sat 8am-2am, Sun 10am-10pm
Mon-Sat 8am-2am, Sun 10am-10pm
IMAGINE THAT
2159 NW Highway 101, Ste C / (541) 996-6600 LIBERTY BOOK STORE
(Downstairs When Entering From Highway 101) 3710 100th St SW / (253) 581-0362
Videos, Magazines, Toys, Body Jewelry,Novelty Gifts Videos, Magazines, Books, Arcade
Sun-Thu 10am-11pm, Fri-Sat 10am-12am Sun-Thu 8am-12am, Fri-Sat 8am-1am

Hey Santa—we know you read Exotic. So, shaped cock out there. Thankfully, there is exploited on the street. But, did I mention
here are some helpful ideas for what to bring no shortage of fantastic, synthetic dick avail- that Doll-House sells inserts that turn your
our readers. Esmeralda has all the non-sexy able at your local adult retailers. Last time I female sex doll into a male sex doll? And, did
stuff covered on the next page, but I’m here checked, for every type of cereal available you hear about the new male sex dolls that
to help you take care all of our lonely, horny, at Winco, there are at least a dozen portable are selling like, well, sex dolls? Okay, there
single and/or just plain deprived readers. penises on the shelves at Taboo. In fact, cere- we go. Now the angry mob should be drop-
However, I’m gonna allow Santa to tell it like als share a lot in common with vibrators, dil- ping their torches and picking up their credit
it is and give the people what they want, but dos, snakes and rabbits. Some are designed cards.
are afraid to ask for. to make you feel good, others are colorfully
designed and pressed into familiar shapes, Contrary to popular belief, for those who
For The Gals & Gays: a few are extremely innovative and none seek companionship, sex dolls are the per-
Well-Endowed Sex Toys of them should be considered appropriate fect present. Yes, there are a lot of fantastic
for children, regardless of what the cartoon sex workers out there—but, there are also
Recommended Retailers: Taboo, Para- mascot on the box is saying. Is your relation- city girls who will rob your ass blind at the
dise, Fantasyland, Fantasy For Adults ship on the rocks? Get yourself a new cock. airport motel you called them to visit (not
Only & Adult Shop locations (All retailer First one to trademark that phrase owes me that I’d know from personal experience or
locations listed on page 38). anything). I’m all for prostitution and sup-
porting professional sex workers, but not ev-
Men have it pretty easy, in terms of upkeep ery street hooker working 82nd in the winter
required to play the field—simply put, if is, shall we say, safe. A sex doll, on the other
you’re a dude and you make enough money hand, is (currently) unable to rob you blind.
to live comfortably, that’s pretty much all it Sure, give it a few years and the things will be
takes for you to land a partner. Plus, wom- able to steal your Bitcoin, but that’s another
en are even easier to keep then gay dudes, article. Further, I am entirely opposed to rela-
which should come as no surprise; men are tionships and even more against marriage—
the most visually discriminating of the sexes a sex doll will never decide that they’d rather
and they are more likely to get caught cheat- move on to someone with more battery
ing (both sexes cheat—women just get power, take your ass to court for half your
away with it more, and sometimes they are belongings, start a fight or come home
even applauded for it...but, guys are loud, a drink. drunk. Zero people have ever ended up in
like to brag and are seen as “cheaters,” not court, arguing with a judge about custody
“lifestyle explorers” when they get caught). For The Shut-Ins & Straight Dudes: in the company of a sex doll, unless it’s two
Sex Dolls former roommates battling for ownership of
Yet, many women and gay dudes want some- the doll itself.
thing from their partner that a new ward- Recommended Retailer:
robe, long talk or a good investment can’t The-Doll-House.com The only drawback to sex dolls (aside from
fix—a giant, hard, brightly colored cock. You the price tag), is the weight. Apparently,
can ask your man to pressure his boss for a Okay, I can already hear the rustling of jim- these things weigh about as much as a real
raise or to be more emotionally available, mies in the distance—arguments against person does, and any efforts to reduce the
but you can’t just nudge your boo and hint realistic sex dolls have, surprisingly, been size or weight of these dolls have been met
that his dong needs some inches added to coming mostly from the supposedly-sex- with accusations (and, even legal restric-
it. That’s where a fake dick comes in handy. positive, extremist faux-minist fringes of the tions), made by the groups mentioned in
And, as a dude with an extra-medium-sized internet, as well as radical right-wing con- the first portion of this section, that the dolls
dick, I can speak for the average guy when servative mobs (it’s crazy how much these are “too childlike.” I mean, logically, banning
I say this: we do not care one inch (pun in- two groups share in common these days). “childlike” sex dolls will only lead to more
tended) about the dildo in your top drawer. “These dolls are unrealistic,” says the body- pedophiles and sick fucks being without an
Being completely honest, we are way more positive woman, who just purchased the alternative to groping actual kids, but, hey,
iffy about the “just a friend” who gives you 16” Double Dong that was eluded to in the no one opposed to what someone does in
rides home from yoga class. We know that previous paragraph. “These dolls will encour- the privacy of their own home ever uses
you can’t cuddle with a rabbit (at least not age abuse and exploitation,” says the Catho- consistent logic or non-emotional argu-
the kind you buy at the sex store) or look lic priest who has never read a single study ments to prove their point. So, although it
for homes with The Hus-Penetrator 9000 (at on how sex dolls actually reduce the rate of sounds morbid, the best hedge against sex
least not at open houses that attract a lot of sex crimes. “These things are a threat to our doll shame is to go ahead and buy the adult-
potential buyers). And, I can’t speak on be- prostitution business,” say legal brothel own- sized dolls and amputate their legs. This way,
half of gay men, but judging based on the ers, who forget how not every victim of sex anyone who attacks you for owning a sex
ones I know, gay guys don’t get jealous over trafficking has the option of working for a doll can be classified as an ableist bigot who
sex toys that their partners use. clean and safe establishment. In short, pretty hates transhumans with disabilities.
much any argument made against sex dolls
The hard truth (pun accidental) is that there is coming from someone who is resentful, Merry Christmas.
is a surplus of average-sized and plain- creepy or just loves watching women being

Holiday shopping for kids is simple—just a Marv a gay pride baseball cap is tempting. So For Every Female Relative Over 65
sack of rusty nails and spiders, and they’re as is gifting your cousin in college—who thinks
happy as can be. The adults on your list, how- “safe zones are a human right”—an anony- A discreet bag of weed. You know Grandpa
ever, can be more opaque. What do you give mous subscription to Modern Conservative won’t approve—either because he was a cop
the woman who was your friend, but you magazine. I get it—but, don’t fall prey to that or because he’s just a stubborn old coot who
haven’t spoken to in two years because all kind of viciousness. Instead, give them some- yells at people that walk on his lawn—you’ll
she ever talks about are her kids? This time, thing more interesting to be obsessed with: never know. What you do know, is that it’s a
carpentry supplies and arachnids won’t do conspiracy theories! If they’re consumed watch or nice pen for him and weed for her.
the trick. I’m here today, to help you navigate with something a little more entertaining, Grandma will smile and hug you and quietly
through the minefield of adult Christmas maybe you can actually talk to them again. pocket your thoughtful present.
shopping (unless you’d rather just drink your- Having a serious, in-depth discussion about
self into a stupor of obliviousness until it’s all Nazi UFO plots is a thousand times more
over—a plan known as “Option B”). engaging than hearing about how America
has lost its way and there are no patriots any-
Mom And Dad more, or the effect of microaggressions on
first-generation immigrants. Who wouldn’t
For every myopically misogynistic, gender- rather discuss the logistics of how and where
typical, heteronormative doll your parents a sasquatch population could successfully
ever bought you when you were a kid, return hide?
the favor and educate them with books on
third-wave feminism, socially conscious— For Your Love Interest
yet, garishly loud—T-shirts or even a class on
appropriate pronoun use. Call them repeat- Unsolicited dick picks. And, if you’re a girl? For Every Teenager Who Has Inexplicably
edly to make sure they’re attending! Same. No one can resist them—that’s why Found Their Way Into Your Life
they’re so popular!
For The Manchildren In Your Life See above.
Just a box of underwear and socks—and, For Your Rockstar Friends

maybe, a few job listings you printed out for
them—shoved in there as passive aggres- Or, more specifically, for your adult friends
sively as possible. Always use newspaper and who refuse to give up trying to be rockstars,
duct tape when wrapping for these folks. even though they’re almost fourty. These
people already have enough misery in their
For The Women You Used To Count As lives. Do something nice to lift their (almost
Friends (But Are Now Just “Mommies”) certainly) downtrodden hearts: finally buy
their self-published CD. You don’t actually
Something bleak. I’m thinking Safeway-gift- have to listen to it, but say you really liked
certificate-in-a-sympathy-card bleak...Soviet- one of the songs in the middle of the album,
bread-line bleak—something that expresses For Your Friends Who Managed To Drag so they’ll think you really did. Alternately, do-
how their excited and endless Facebook Themselves Out Of Poverty And Are nating to their GoFundMe page would do the
posts aren’t fooling anyone. How about a Rubbing It In Your Face trick, but never more than like, $20—tops.
muumuu and slippers, some cheap boxed
wine and a copy of The Notebook...or just ig- Upcycling is in and green, conscious gifts Whether you celebrate Christmas, Solstice,
nore her entirely and give her kids presents are all the rage. Eco-conscious repurposing, Festivus, Krampusnacht, Hanukkah, Yule,
instead? Somehow, highlighting her misery vintage style and thrifty thinking come to- Kwanzaa or some other excuse to get loaded
might help you obliterate your own. God, gether in one simple solution: dumpster div- and bang under the mistletoe, you’re going
now we’re just depressing ourselves. What ing. If you see a gaudy, cracked lamp hang- to be guilt-tripped into buying people stuff.
even is the point? No one loves us. No one ing sadly from a rubbish bin surrounded by So, don’t forget the most important person
would ever make a baby with us. Ugh. diapers, don’t be shy—that’s what gloves on the list: you. Selfishness is vastly underrat-
are for. Is that vase sitting next to those gar- ed and I’d be remiss if I didn’t remind you to
For Your Friends Whose Political Or bage bags in the alley filled with vomit or do something nice for yourself. Whether that
Religious Opinions Are Sounding More urine? Just dump it out, no problem. Once means a day at the spa, a lady of the night or
And More Like Threats you’ve cleaned off the old coffee grounds an evening in the drunk tank, I’ll leave that
and whatever that other stuff was, put it in one up to you.
Part of you wants to give them something a fancy, moss-green box with a tasteful, reus-
that will chafe against whatever stance able, earth-toned bow. Now all you have to Esmeralda Rupp-Spangle is an aspiring mad
they’re aggressively advocating for. They’ve do is write a card about how important the scientist, professional googly-eye vandal and
lost whatever personality they had at one environment is to you and how vintage “ac- marathon nap champion. She can be contact-
time and are now just megaphones for other cent pieces” are preserving the past (and the ed at ChestnutTreeCafe@Hotmail.com or on
people’s ideas. Giving ol’ Uncle “Red State” future) of our civilization. They’ll love it. the Facebook machine by name.

red pages • to advertise here call 503.241.4317 • red pages • to advertise here call 503.241.4317 • red pages • to advertise here call 503.241.4317
3
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Society has moved rapidly in its acceptance of pinch the surface, rolling it between your fin- the female brain. Female spending habits are,
transgender people. This is true, not only for gers like you would a wet booger. Relief is im- thus, not informed or moderated by memories
those transgender individuals who are con- mediate. Problem solved. in any way, including the memory of the work
tent to live out their lives in the bodies they it took to earn the money being spent. This is
were born with, but also for those wanting Wiping Your Ass why women enjoy shopping and men hate it.
to take the bold step of changing to the op-
posite sex through medical means. As options Really, you say? How is wiping one’s ass any Anyway, as you dose up on male hormones,
become more mainstream, researchers project different between the sexes? In fact, now that your spendis commissure will begin to de-
that more and more people will self-identify as your vagina is all sewn up, it ought to be eas- velop and strengthen. Next thing you know,
transgender, with many of them opting for ier wiping a male ass, because you don’t have you’ll be at the mall eyeing up that 96th pair
surgery. According to the respected Reich- to worry about smearing fudge in your twat, of cute shoes and new, unusual thoughts
mann Center For Gender Studies, by the year right? Nope! To illustrate, dig one of your old, will creep in to your head, like, “Hey, wait a
2030, over 40% of adults in the U.S. will have girly winter coats out of the closet—one with minute—I had to bust my ass for hours in that
undergone some sort of hormonal or surgical a fur collar. Take a tablespoon of chunky-style sweatshop I call a job for these fuckers!” and
sex change—this is truly remarkable. peanut butter and smear it into the collar. Now, you’ll leave the shoes to sit on the shelf. Or,
you’ll be out searching for a suit-
However, the ripple effects of this able birthday gift for you friend
are hard to predict. I’ll leave it to Betty and think, “Why am I buying
the social thought leaders to deal Betty a gift? I don’t even like the
with the subtleties and nuances bitch anymore!” Things like that.
involved—I’m sticking to the
basics. About half of the people It’s true that men occasionally
walking around with new bodies spend money unnecessarily, like
will be trans men—people who on a $500 golf driver or a bigger
spent their entire lives as women, truck, but scientists now know
but are now living as trans men, that this is the result of cerebral
post-surgery. Having been a guy aneurysms that temporarily shut
since birth, I wanted to offer some down the spendis commissure.
practical tips on what to expect.
Peeing Standing Up
Scratching Your Balls try to clean the peanut butter out of the fur, us-
ing nothing but dry toilet paper. Heh heh. The best thing about your new body is the
If ever there was a misnomer, scratching your weenie, which allows you to pee standing up.
balls is it. Your balls don’t itch—your scrotum Turns out, the hormones you’ve been taking to This especially comes in handy outdoors. Now,
itches. Saying your balls itch is like saying your complete your man-ee transition will have you a nature pee no longer requires 360 degrees of
pancreas itches. Even if your balls actually growing hair in places you didn’t even know cover for an embarrassing squat—all you need
itched, there ain’t a damned thing you could you had. I tackle this problem by sticking to a is a tree or bush to block the view from the
do about it, because you can’t get at them to high-fiber diet and focusing on a crisp pinch- front and you can whip it out and mark your
scratch ‘em. This may sound pedantic, but it’s off of the final turd, as I close the poop shoot. territory! And, you only need the tree if you’re
important. If that fails, try wetting the T.P. As a last resort, a prude. If you’re the more exhibitionist sort,
persistent dingle berries may require a wire just spray away. You can even write your name
The problem doesn’t end there, though, be- utility brush—available in any hardware store. in the snow!!!
cause you can’t really scratch your scrotum,
either. The damned thing keeps swinging out Spending Money Cleanup is easier, too. No more soggy clam
of the way every time your fingernails go af- to deal with—just a quick giggle to knock off
ter it! And, it’s uncomfortable trying to hold Some of the changes in your sex transition the last drop of tinkle and it’s back in the fly.
the sack with one hand and scratch with the occur in the deep recesses of your brain. For This saves a lot of hand washing. The extra
other. If the surgeon installed them correctly, example, the spendis is a small area of the time involved in sitting to pee is evident at any
you’ll soon learn that your balls don’t want to brain, so named because it’s the source of all sports/concert venue. Just compare the lines
be touched, squeezed or, especially, kicked— impulses to spend money. The spendis com- to the men’s and women’s rooms. This effi-
they just want to hang around and not be municates with its next door neighbor, the ciency alone makes the addadicktome surgery
fucked with. memory center, through a band of connecting worth it.
neurons called the spendis commissure. The
Fortunately, there is a solution: simply identify spendis commissure only develops in the pres- Hey, I’m just trying to help . . .
the itchy section of your scrotum and gently ence of testosterone, so it is virtually absent in

Opinion: I Can’t Believe All These pesto? I don’t even think we have any I can’t work with this shit—eighty-six
Fucking Customers prepped. Tony, get a payout and run avocados! Frozen fucking avocados.
to Whole Foods for some pesto. Ap- This place is insane. I should walk the
by Nate Vagenzi, Short Order Cook parently, the Queen Of Fucking Eng- fuck out of here right now. You’d all be
land is dining here today. Fuck! A so screwed. I’m the glue keeping this
Denver omelette? Assholes! Oh my popsicle church together—that’s for
fucking god, will this shift never end? damn sure. Seriously, these fucking
I haven’t had a day off in two weeks, customers are killing me. Why the fuck
and if I don’t get a cigarette before did we get a rush at eleven? God fuck-
noon, I am tearing someone’s fucking hates me, that’s why. Just once, I
ing head off. Chicken penne, hold the wish one of the assholes would thank
chicken? Wait, what? You’re the server, me for sweating in the fucking kitch-
explain to them the chicken is already en like a freak. But, no, they only thank
prepped in the penne sauce. I guess their server and host. Idiots.
I could do noodles and cheese? The
nerve of these fucking people. I tell you, these customers are going to
be the fucking death of me. I honest-
Jesus Christ, would you look at all these Yeah, so, like I was saying earlier, my ly don’t know how you do it. I would
fucking customers? I bet they’re going son keeps fucking up at school—the smack the shit out of their pompous
to try to sneak in breakfast at 10:55am little retard. He was caught smoking faces if they complained to me about
like a bunch of dicks. Oh, great. Here a couple of weeks ago and his mom a speck on a fork or lack of high chairs
we go. These orders just keep piling thinks he’s huffing glue. Of course, or some shit. Pancakes? I told you, we
up. Veggie breakfast burrito? What she only talks to me to blame me for just ran out of syrup! Oh, that’s the
kind of fucking asshole orders a veg- something. I guess I still love her— piece of shit that wanted pancakes?
gie breakfast burrito at damn near I don’t know. I’d get back together Tell him we just ran out of batter—I
eleven in the morning? This prick isn’t with her for my boy, but that’s prob- don’t even fucking care if I get fired.
getting any salsa, that’s for damn sure. ably not the...okay! Who left the fuck- He’s not getting any candy-ass honey
ing avocados in the walk-in freezer!? and fruit. This ain’t France!
Holy shit, really? Grilled cheese with

Classifieds • Classifieds • Classifieds • Classifieds • Classifieds • Classifieds • Classifieds • Classifieds • Classifieds • Classifieds
tell him how I feel, but I just don’t original sentiment. Please, someone
know him that well. What if he freaks double stuff him with the branches
out?” of a rose bush. This dim-witted sa-
dist would rather get his own opinion
Inventory control specialist, Fred Wills, across, than let you know that you’re
42, had a similar tale. “He tells sever- a valuable member of his newsfeed.
al street jokes that are in poor taste, Holy cow! I pray someone builds a
even when implicitly asked not to— catapult so big, that it can launch him
and he still manages to mess up the into orbit, where all his organs will col-
punchline. I’d tell him to get checked lapse upon themselves and he will suf-
for Asperger’s Syndrome, but it’s like, focate—then freeze—in the violent
Area Acquaintance Not Close whatever. He’s kind of a spaz. It could vacuum of space. I mean, who could
Enough To Be Honest With potentially bum him out.” possibly fathom such an inhumane
act? We crunched the numbers and
Ventura, CA We tried to contact Mr. Floughders for
only three historic figures have ever
comment, but he was busy volunteer-
Acknowledging several of their work had the violent temperament (and
ing his time at a local charity or some
companion’s shortcomings in both lack of empathy) to do such a thing:
shit. I don’t know. Who cares? What
personal and professional interac- am I, his mom? I don’t even know
tions, it was determined that no one if he has a mom. No one does. He
who engages with Harry Floughders sucks, that’s my point.
(32, sales) feels connected enough
to let him know what he can work Shameful: This Man Posts
on to be a better, more likable per- Comments On Facebook
son. In fact, it has been widely agreed Without Clicking “Like”
that contact with him remain limited
Forget about the mon-
and he should be left alone to “do his
ster under your bed—
thing.” Largely considered by many to
what this man does
be loud, obnoxious, sexist and pos-
every day will give
sessing poor taste in popular culture,
you the heebie-jee-
most of his co-workers only speak
bies—he actually re-
with him when absolutely necessary
sponds to his friends’
and lament times when a secret work
posts, without show-
party location is accidentally divulged.
ing appreciation for them before-
“Once he found out about us meeting hand with the simple click of a but- Unbelievable. It’s tough to stomach
at Chili’s,” reports accountant, Linda ton. Despicable! What a horrific piece “people” like this who haunt the hal-
Talon, 28. “He refused to tip the bar- of shit. I hope he drowns while getting lows of the internet, but they are ev-
tender, which made us look bad, then stabbed. As quick and easy as it would erywhere. Don’t be a victim. If you or
he proceeded to misquote Stewie be to have his brain tell his index fin- someone you know is being harassed
from Family Guy all night. He also got ger to apply pressure downwards, this online, report it immediately to the
wildly vulgar during a public phone psychopath would rather use wasted webmaster.
call with his girlfriend. I wish I could time and energy to try to add to your
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53
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exotic magazine
sible. Things have gone so far sideways, whelming amount. I think it’s time that
that I barely recognize the world around mainstream science and our world gov-
me. I just want to go home, and by home, ernments just stop with the ridiculous ex-
I mean the version of reality that existed planations and outright bullshittery that
around 2012-ish. Does anyone else want has just become impossible to take seri-
to come with me? ously. The fact is, they are here and they
probably have always been here. We have
2) For My Favorite Comics, Musicians advanced technology that is hidden from
And Actors To Not Be Rapists us and it seems that the main reason for
that obfuscation is they want to keep us
I went to sleep one day and everything addicted to dead dinosaur fuel. So, if San-
I loved was tucked nice and tight in my ta would just bring full disclosure and put
happy place. I woke up the next day, and it under my tree, that would be great.
that happy place had turned into a rape
village. I can’t believe so many people are
predators! Of course, that’s hyperbole,
because, of course, I believe victims. But,
maybe if Santa could show up to these
people’s homes and just take the trigger
in their brains that makes them monsters,
before replacing it with, oh I don’t know,
philanthropy or something, that would
just be great. Since I won’t blame vic-
tims—and, I won’t call victimized people
liars—I am stuck with this sick, dissatis-
fied feeling that everything I love is taint-
ed now—and, I can’t enjoy it.
3) Peace On Earth And Good Will

Toward Man
As we all grow up and become more and We live in the time of the Forever War.
more adult, Christmas takes on a new My twelve-year-old son has never seen a
meaning to a lot of us. Some of us have world without a U.S. war. War has become
children and we go from asking Santa, to so normal to all of us—we are doing it 5) A New Discman With Bass Boost
being Santa. Some of us don’t have kids here at home now. Americans are fighting And Anti-Skip
or family to spend time with—and, for each other in the streets, crazed gunman
those people, Christmas is a sad and lone- are shooting up anywhere that people When I was a kid, I remember begging my
ly time. We avoid shopping and going out congregate, crazed white nationalists are mom to get me a Discman, so I could jam
in general, because the streets are littered driving cars into crowds of people...the out to my Nirvana albums on those long-
with nuclear families doing the same shit list goes on and on. I grew up as a Chris- ass road trips. Well, what I got was a god-
they’ve been doing since the 1950s. In tian and the shit that hit home with me in damn piece of shit that certainly didn’t
the spirit of this most commercial of holi- those teachings—the concept of loving have bass boost or anti-skip. That fucking
days, I’m going to tell you what I want for our neighbor has become completely ig- thing would skip if I took a drink while lis-
Christmas this year. nored. People have always used religion tening to it, and I don’t know about you,
as an excuse to murder other people, but but that shit really pissed me off. I know
1) My Original Reality Back when I was a kid, I thought that shit end- my mom was poor and she did the best
ed with the crusades. When I became a she could, but she’s dead now, so I need
I’m sure that I’ve mentioned how I am man, I learned how very wrong I was. So, I Santa to step the fuck up and get me my
pretty mentally ill, but for the last several just want people to try loving each other damn Sony. I know what you’re going to
years, I have had the feeling that I don’t and accepting that the world doesn’t re- say: “But, Brad, Santa isn’t real...” Well, fuck
live in the same reality I was born into. volve around the individual—even if it’s you! You aren’t real either!!! We live in a
It doesn’t help much, that certifiable ge- hard, when you realize the world will still goddamn simulation, so I can simulate up
niuses like Musk and Tyson both seem to go around after we’ve murdered the last a fucking Santa with a time machine to go
believe we live inside a simulation—and of us. back and get me my fucking Discman, if I
it isn’t a stretch to think that simulation damn well please. Also, I need that Ninja
can be altered on the fly. Growing up in 4) The Truth About Aliens Turtle Sewer Playset that I saved my own
the midwest and then moving to the lib- damn money for, but by the time I had
eral west coast certainly was a culture The amount of evidence that we are be-
enough, they were all sold out. Gimme
shock, but that isn’t what I mean here. ing visited by aliens is fucking crazy.
that shit and give it to me now...or, I swear,
I don’t think I’m alone in thinking that There is so much of it, that if even a small
I’ll start assassinating reindeer.
what’s happening in our culture isn’t pos- fraction is true, it would still be an over-

Hey nice white people, stop giving disclaim- the good ones.” should reprimand them for espousing their
ers that you aren’t racist—it feeds the ironi- own form of racism. You certainly should not
cally racist assumption that most white peo- Consider a black person entering an intellec- validate the racist assumption at the outset
ple are racist. tual conversation, with a disclaimer that they of a conversation, by labeling yourself as
are “one of the smart ones.”“Now, I know that one of the not-racist whites.
There are generally two situations in which I’m black, but I want to let you know that I
someone declares that they are not racist. have a Ph.D.” Obviously, such a statement We should be able to discuss controversial
The first is when a person is about to say has no bearing on the quality of one’s argu- topics without inviting unfounded accusa-
something racist, but they want to get away ments, and is thus unnecessary. More im- tions of prejudice. There are scientific facts
with it. It usually goes like this: “I’m not rac- portantly, it validates the assumption that about race and about the relative success or
ist, but....” And, then, they proceed to say blacks are uneducated. But, this assumption failure of Hitler’s genes. Those facts are what
something racist. It is clearly a cop-out, and should be challenged, not validated. they are, and they are not going to change.
perhaps, even a lie. Claiming not to be rac-
ist doesn’t give you the right to make racist
comments. Nor does it change the content
“We should be able to discuss controversial
of those comments to somehow make them topics without inviting unfounded
not racist. In short, comments stand on their
own. Claiming not to be racist, right before accusations of prejudice.”
saying something racist, is nothing more
than a lie. We should judge these people ac- Disclaimers of these types are unneces- We have to be able to talk about facts, re-
cordingly, as both racists and liars. sary—and, ultimately, counterproductive— gardless of how others have distorted them
because they validate racist assumptions. for propaganda. Unless someone says oth-
On the other hand, there are times when a It is a huge mistake to assume that a white erwise, we should give them the benefit
well-meaning person, treading close to a person discussing the science of race is a of the doubt and assume that they believe
controversial issue, may feel obliged to give racist. In fact, it is a racist assumption. White slavery, Jim Crow and the holocaust were
a disclaimer. It may be a discussion of the people should not be baited into addressing bad things. If people can’t tell the difference
lasting impact of slavery on the I.Q. scores of this racist assumption. Signaling that you between respectful conversation and racist
black Americans. Or, it may be a discussion are “one of the good ones” implies that most propaganda, that is their problem.
of whether Hitler’s actions were successful at others are not. If you discuss topics respect-
increasing the transmission of his genes into fully and rationally, then there is no need to No one should assume a person’s opinions
the future. A well-meaning white person, give a disclaimer. Again, comments should based on the color of their skin. If your
who knows that these topics include argu- stand on their own as racist or not. It doesn’t speech and behavior is respectable, then it
ments used by racists and white suprema- help to validate the assumption that most should go without saying that you are not
cists, may feel tempted to give a disclaimer, white people are generally racist. Should a racist asshole. And, it’s kind of pathetic, if
in order to show their distance from such this assumption rear its ugly head—perhaps you feel the need to preemptively address
assholes (despite the similarity of their skin in the form of an accusation that when- such racist accusations.
color to the members of those groups). Basi- ever white people talk about the science of
cally, they want to show that they are “one of race, it is because they are racist—then you

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Advertising spice of life showcases the working dancer

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3) Peace On Earth And Good Will

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