Exotic September 2015

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Issue #267 • Volume 23 • Number 3
September 2015
PRESIDENTIAL
Copyright © 2015 XMAG LLC.
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PILLOW TALK
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sex, lies & political possibilities
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by elle stanger
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CONFIDENTIAL
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Although I appreciate the people who spend bring herself to get naked on stage for hundreds from Everclear. Then, guy from Everclear pro-
they money that allows me to make an income, of non-taxable dollars an hour, with the protec- ceeded to take up three of the eight barstools,
the realm of customer service is still partially in- tion of a bouncer and a pseudonym. What’s fun- by spreading his nautical-star-and-tribal-flash
habited by individuals who would not make it six ny, is that if you get GWWDTSCBF’s phone num- covered arms, while leaning back against the bar
feet out of their front door, if murder with was ber, she will mistake desperation for flattery and and watching strippers dance for free. If you can
legalized for just one hour. Here are a few exam- go out with you for six-to-eight weeks, before guess what he was drinking, you may have won
ples of the people who never, ever support our accusing you of “sleeping with all your stripper a blue ribbon a hundred and fifty years ago at a
advertisers, dancers, bartenders, DJs or even that friends” and moving to Prague for school. state fair. Anyhow, one of the reasons I really miss
punching bag machine by the door. working at that club, is that their DJ computer is
Drink Special Warriors completely free of garbage and full of decent-to-
The Guys Who Play That Punching Ma- awesome selections. One of the highlights of my
chine Game By The Door “What nights do you guys do dollar PBR?” career there, was getting on the mic that night,
“We haven’t done that in years. It’s a buck fif- announcing a “very warm welcome to a Portland
Okay, I lied. There is something painfully ty now—all the time.” celebrity” and playing three songs by Everlast.
ironic (and, from a feminist perspective, horri- “Man, that sucks! I am never coming here Well, technically, the third was House of Pain.
fyingly poetic) about watching Todd and Chad again.”
shove dollar after dollar into a slot, while trying Sapphire’s Boyfriend
to one up each other on the masculinity scale— Good. The fact that you
all, while standing a few feet away from an at- know the price of Pabst, makes Well, any guy who dates
tractive woman, who is willing to get naked and you a bad person—end of sto- a dancer and hangs around
pay attention to assholes for the same price. For ry. A strip club is where some- the club like an insecure as-
those readers unfamiliar with the machine, it’s one can roll in with twenty sassin. I’ve just known no less
basically a punching bag that drops down from bucks and make a naked wom- than five Sapphires who attract
a lever. The player inserts a dollar, hits the bag an at least happy enough to them. It’s not technically with-
and they are given a score. End scene. How does pretend she’s never seen her in the realm of club rules to al-
one “win” the game? I’m glad you asked. This is tits and do that Betty Boop low boyfriends (or, in stricter
achieved, by punching the bag harder than the face, while pretending she likes circumstances, rides) to be in-
last person to play. Or, if you’re an alpha-level ba- you. If you’re considering this side the club, while their lady
dass, two-energy-drinks-an-hour, Godsmack lov- an opportunity to haggle, then gets naked for truckers. Why?
ing, Affliction shirt, tribal tattoo kind of guy, you it’s time to put the high-fruc- Well, aside from the fact that
can try to beat the high score. Guys that come tose fluoride down and drink most guys who see their girl-
into strip clubs to beat up anything other than something that comes from friend naked on top of another
hipsters, while ignoring the big, red, blinking a tap. Folks, drink specials are man for the first time are, analo-
light of a stripper that is screaming “give me a the just that—specials. I know that everyone in gously, experiencing that Southern Oracle scene
dollar and I’ll make you look like a real man,” are Portland under the age of 50 was raised to be- from Neverending Story, where homeboy has to
among society’s most replaceable specimens. lieve that they are a unique snowflake, capable see his true self or else the statues with the giant
of rainbows and explosions. That doesn’t make tits will kill him (...in fact, it’s exactly like that), but
Girl Who Was Dragged To Strip Club By you special all the time. in addition, you’ve gotta deal with microman-
Friends agement from a would-be half-rate pimp. “Ayo
The Guy From Everclear (Or Any Other Lo- man, can you like, let my girl off a little early be-
“Why is she doing that to herself? Doesn’t cal Band) cause it’s our six and a half week anniversary at
she know she can get a real job?” This question midnight.” “No, ‘brah,’ I cannot.” “Well, like, what if
is often asked by smug, sweater-stacked, horn- A cousin of the Drink Special Warrior, is you like moved her to that other stage and then
rim-glasses-laden girls, who only approached the “don’t you know who I am?” local celebrity. like played her a short song. I’ve got my demo
the DJ booth to ask how often the club lets strip- While working in Southeast, the guy from Ever- CD, if you need some sick beats.” Fuck this guy
pers dance to The Smiths. Killing time while her clear came in and suggested that the bouncer and the Dutch Bros. coffee cart he got fired from.
friends enjoy themselves, this woman works did not need to card him, because he’s the guy
part-time at a food cart for minimum wage— from Everclear. The bouncer, against all wishes TalesFromTheDJBooth.com
selling hot grease to people who tip in change— of 1996, opted to card the dude anyhow, which
and she honestly wonders why a woman would led to further reminders that dude was the guy
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I don’t sell weed. I would never sell weed. The in- buddy in Humboldt County who can get me pounds
come I make from writing this column, has purchased for eleven hundred, sometimes nine. Where do you
me three beach houses and a live-in Canadian slave. get off asking forty bucks for this shit?” And yet, the
However, if I were to be currently selling weed in an pawn star returns week after week, with the same
alternate, mirror dimension that exists concurrent on complaints. It’s as if this guy (or gal) is the equivalent
the astral plane alongside this one, hypothetically, the of a Wall St. stockbroker who was somehow forced
following would be categorized as a list of real-life to spend his weekend watching the mentally handi-
people whom I would be forced to interact with on a capped trade blue chips online. The pawn star can get
regular basis and wish would go away. a better deal, better product, in less time and with less
hassle. And yet, he’s still sitting there at Taco Bell, with
a wad of cash in his hand—intent on ripping himself
THE NEWBIE off with yet another overpriced bag of what everyone
else considers a good deal.
This is the person who hasn’t smoked weed since
back in the day, but wants to blaze up because “it’s
legal now.” The benefits of having the newbie as a cus-
tomer are obvious; you can set your own price points,
they never bitch about slightly un-trimmed product,
THE RASTATUTE
don’t know a Sativa from a Prius and they will usually
This girl used to live with a grower who treated
come to you (wherever you are). It’s always fun to see
her like a queen, before she dumped his sorry ass and
what lengths someone will go to in order to purchase
moved in with that cute trimmer guy from LA, who
weed and I’ve gotten as far as, “I’m in row two of the
treated her even better, by moving her to West Hol-
Regal cinemas on 82nd, watching Frozen for another
lywood. After a series of failed attempts at a modeling
half hour, but I’ve gotta bail early so hurry up.”
career, the rastatute decides to use whatever money
her last sugar daddy left her, to open up a head shop
or a dispensary. After a year of going in the red (as a
result of nepotism and having no knowledge of how
to run a business), the rastatute closes her shop and
settles down as a stripper, but continues to have the
same appreciation for marijuana (it’s just that now
she dances to more dubstep). A cousin of the pawn
star, the rastatute forgets that most weed dealers are
already up to their arms in pussy, do not live in the
INSPECTOR GADGET middle of the woods and aren’t completely stunned
by cleavage. This leads to a series of flirtatious haggles
and middle-of-the-night requests for fronts. The ras-
“Dude, all you do is grind the weed down to a
tatute is often overheard saying things like, “My regu-
powder, place it in the chamber, fill it with butane, re-
lar didn’t stop by, so I won’t have that fifty bucks for
The drawbacks of dealing with a newbie, on the load the switch, cap the bowl, inhale slowly and bam,
you until next week—but, can I get another one from
other hand, often outweigh the six bucks you’re gon- it gets you soooo high.” What started as a harmless
you in the meantime?”
na make every time you sell them a “twenty sack.” For middle-school addiction to gravity bongs, eventually
one thing, you may end up assigning yourself the po- led to ritualistic McGuyver-esque missions to create
sition of a leisure-time instructional aide, often of the the ultimate smoking device. In the amount of time it
call-center-tech-support variety. “Hey man, it’s Kyle, I takes the Inspector Gadget smoker to rig up the dab
THE MEDICAL MARIJUANA CAREGIVER
bought some weed from you last night, and uh, what’s nail and adjust the torch, before attaching the mouth-
“My mom has cancer, can I get a discount?” Go
with the stick in the middle of the ball? Do I smoke piece and holding the thing over the water so the
away, Sally Struthers. Try your voodoo magic at the
that too? My friend has some stuff called darbs, it’s like other part doesn’t lose the heat, you can smoke four,
dispensary and see how far that guilt trip goes. Yes, I’ll
a wax, do we eat it? How long does it take for these maybe five joints and be higher than anything this
give your mom a discount, but come on man, do you
cookies to kick in? Can I smoke the bag too?” In ad- dude can cram into a vape pen. Watching these peo-
really have to put me in the position to remind your
dition to knowing as much about weed as the Insane ple spend more on a smoking device than most peo-
patient it’s not 1970 anymore? Hell, if inflation applied
Clown Posse knows about science, the newbie smok- ple would pay for a pound, is not nearly as painful as
to weed, that ounce would be six grand.
ers aren’t the least bit hip to street smarts—never watching them break it while trying to make the most
picking up on any innuendo or slang when discussing out of a dub sack’s worth of weed. Sure, a pipe, joint
deals over the phone (or in public). or bong is not nearly as effective at saving THC, but I
can’t remember the last time I lost a month’s worth of
income by accidentally dropping my glass piece. Rule
THE PAWN STAR of thumb: if you’re spending more on paraphernalia
than you are drugs, you’re doing it wrong.
“Forty bucks for an eighth of mid-grade, indoor
Headband? You’ve gotta be kidding me. I have a
state and many of the clientele are very blue Who do you despise the most? Again, we
collar. Alternately, Beaverton clubs like Stars despise the entitled and the misinformed. One
Cabaret cater to a white-collar and polo- of the worst things that I’ve actually heard on
necked shirt crowd, which is why there is an a shift is, “If I tip you, I’m contributing to your
entrance fee and the staff wear suits. The cli- exploitation.” I walked away, but really want-
entele you serve, will determine the types of ed to scream, “NO DUDE, YOU SITTING HERE
conversations that you have. Curiously, the STARING AT US, WHILE SIPPING A $2 BEER FOR
conversations can still vary so much, that I FIVE HOURS CONTRIBUTES TO MY EXPLOITA-
have yet to find a correlation amongst clubgo- TION.” There is an industry saying, “staring is
ers and venues. In six years, and approximate- stealing”. And, there are people who think that
ly 1,200 shifts, I have worked at Spearmint Rhi- because we are peddling intangibles, we are
no, Mystic, Union Jacks, Stars Bridgeport, and not really “selling” anything. Try that shit with
currently, Lucky Devil Lounge. My sample size a doorman, masseuse or therapist. We are do-
“Well, here girlie, I won’t buy a dance, but I’ll is fair, for this informal study. ing you a service, we are visible, we might be
get you a drink and help you scout out some real touching, and probably, listening to you.
money.” I’ve noticed that clientele in higher-in-
The young man was former military, quite come areas; tend to be more demanding re- Who has the most money? Intel is the larg-
handsome, and passively insulting me. I was garding the preferred aesthetic of their strip- est employer in Oregon, with approximately
still standing at the bar, because I was amused pers. In the bourgeoisie clubs, the question I 17,000 employees and they have people from
and currently had no finer option for company. was asked the most was “Why do you have pu- all over the country that fly in and out of our
He took a gulp of his watered-down whiskey bic hair?” second only to “Why do you have so city. Nike is the second largest, with approxi-
and spoke confidently, “I’ll tell you a trick that I many tattoos?” This is not surprising, as I spec- mately 5,000 workers.
learned in the service—find the guy with the nic- ulate that many “Bridge And Tunnel Folks”
est watch, that means he is of a higher rank. That want, or have been socially reinforced to ex- In dancing at Lucky Devil, the club pulls a
means he has more money. You’re welcome.” pect their nude ladies to look like Barbie. And, surprisingly-diverse crowd, despite the edgier
Barbie is hot as hell, but we all don’t look like aesthetic and location in inner industrial Port-
Ah, if only it were so simple. her—nor do we want to. land. Most of the clientele that I speak with,
are either service industry workers, tourists
Unfortunately, for strippers and car sales- In more laid back atmospheres, fellows who read good reviews of the club or travel-
man, there is no neon sign that indicates a and misses of the middle and lower socio-eco- ing businessmen.
worthy investment of time and effort. And, nomic classes, overwhelmingly compliment
while even criminal profilers can be mistaken, my tattoos. In blue-collar crowds, my tattoos How do they earn it? Lawyers tend to be
it’s fascinating and daunting to consider that tend to be admired, partly because tattoos incredibly tight assed, at least with me. (Please
one really knows nothing, by studying some- tend to be expensive, as most respected and sirs, feel free to come to Lucky Devil and prove
thing. established artists in Portland, have an hourly me wrong.) There is no correlation between
rate of $140+. So, when a person who makes how much money a person HAS and how
Here’s a shocker: strippers talk about mon- $10 an hour sees my body, to them, I’m liter- much they will SPEND. That old “look at his
ey. We talk about how we can make more of it, ally covered in money. In poor, white Ameri- watch and shoes” trick, means nothing. If only
we talk about how little we are tipped, we talk ca, tattoos are seen as a symbol of wealth and, there was an easy indicator, to find all of the
about the regulars that we’ve cultivated and therefore, status. In wealthy-white America, potential clients that really thrown down the
we talk about ways to sniff it out. And, while tattoos are seen as counterculture, subver- cash.
it’s an industry no-no to brag about earnings, sive or criminal. So, my clientele is partly de-
most strippers can sense the success rate of termined by my aesthetic and only altered if I I’ve been tipped the most in one night, by
her peers. I explained it to my therapist in this charm them with conversation and sway their a guy wearing ASICS sneakers. I fondly recall
way: consider an office space, with multiple person to like my personality, in addition to the man who worked at a dildo factory and
therapists. Now, nobody should be counting my body. always stunk like armpits. He would rent the
how many patients other therapists see, and entire private room with all of the shift girls,
yet, everyone has a pretty good idea of which Who are your favorites? Overwhelming- spending hundreds in a few minutes. Yet, I
office gets the most foot traffic. But, what de- ly, strippers like it when customers under- don’t even think he washed his hair more of-
termines success? Is it a big smile? A shiny pair stand the nature of the interactions in a club. ten than once a month.
of heels? The bounciest butt? What about the Strippers exchange their time for your mon-
luck of stage timing? Music choice? Hustling is ey. It’s quite simple. But, there will always be My informal study lacks hypothesis and
a fine art or a delicate science. And, there are that bozo who feels “owed” dinner or a date I’ve yet to conclude it. But, in an exercise of
so many variables. or a blowjob, simply for tipping. Customer en- good ethics and good capitalism, I follow a
titlement is a scary quality to have to dance simple credence: “Be nice to everyone, even
Who are our customers? It depends on around. those who can do nothing for you. Here’s hop-
where you work. Dancin’ Bare sits near Inter- ing that they will hit the ATM.”

The great American pastime; no, it’s not really baseball.
It’s the cutthroat antics of the media circus known as the
mind everyone who is reading this, exactly how much
our political system lacks diversity and proper represen-
Jeb Bush
Presidential Election cycle. It’s hard to imagine a better tation. The young Louisiana governor is really boring, as PLEASE, NOT ANOTHER BUSH!!!
collection of caricatures, and yet, here are the front-run- he has not been embroiled in any type of media scandal,
ners. although he still has plenty of time. Worst thing ever said in bed: “Immi-
grants are more fertile.”
In case you’re unfamiliar, here is a mini-synopsis, albeit Worst thing ever said in bed: “Is it me you’re looking for?”
slightly biased. Included are actual quotes of the poten- Kinks: He wants you to call him Daddy. As in, he wishes
tial candidates. However, the context might be slightly Kinks: Asking you to call him by his first name, Piyush. he were his father.
skewed for your pleasure—here are the nominees.
R EP UBLIC ANS Chris Christie Rick Perry

Rick Santorum Chris Christie is from New Jersey. That’s The longest-serving Governor of Texas,
all that really matters. Why? It means has yet again placed his bid. One must
The former two-term Senator from that he has no filter, is too proud to be wonder how in the hell we keep getting
Pennsylvania, announced yet another anything but transparent and will absolutely never ap- so many presidents from Texas.
bid to be the party’s nominee for Presi- peal to anyone other than blue-collar Americans—who
dent in 2016, on May 27, 2015. His views that the United agree that he looks cuddly, albeit perpetually kinda Worst thing ever said in bed: “The louder they scream, the
States Supreme Court laws should come second only to sweaty. more we know we are getting something done.”
“God’s Law,” are the scariest thing about this skinny turd.
Worst thing ever said in bed: “You know, something Kinks: Talking about guns, hot dogs, and the death pen-
Worst thing ever said in bed: “I am the law!” might go down tonight, but it ain’t gonna be jobs, sweet- alty.
heart.”
Kinks: Not using contraception. But, if you become preg- D E M O C R AT S
nant, he won’t help pay for the abortion, either. Kinks: Him on top.
Rand Paul Ted Cruz Bernie Sanders

Bernie is more of an Independent, but
Named after Ayn Rand, this Jr. Paul be- Senator Cruz was formally educated at nearer to the donkey party. He is cur-
came known for speaking as a leader Harvard and Princeton, and while he is rently the sitting junior Senator of Ver-
of the Tea Party a couple of years ago, often noted as a gifted orator, his voice mont. There isn’t much to do in Vermont; the 600,000
which already gives two examples as to why he should reminds one of Groucho Marx. More importantly, he once population encourages lots of reading, pot-smoking and
never be president of anything except the Ayn Rand served as a Domestic Policy Advisor to Bush Jr. gay-marrying. So, THAT’S why he’s so intelligent and ethi-
book club. cal!
Worst thing ever said in bed: “We’re facing an assault on
Worst thing ever said in bed: “I never, ever cheated. I don’t traditional marriage.” Worst thing ever said in bed: “People should not under-
condone cheating. But I would sometimes spread misin- estimate me.”
formation. This is a great tactic. Misinformation can be Kinks: Praying, non-filibustering for 21 hours.
very important.” Kinks: He loves it when someone combs his hair.
Kinks: Telling you that he’s a Libertarian. Donald Trump
This business tycoon and media spec-
Hilary Clinton
Marco Rubio tacle shits out more prejudiced hate She has been planning her presidential
speech than a Neo-Nazi with Tourette’s, run since before she was burning her
Marco Rubio is thirsty. And, not just for and yet, America loves to hate him. For some reason, his bra. This former First Lady and Secretary
water. Being himself of Cuban heritage, mouth looks like a butthole with teeth—so, I shudder to of State, is the most likely front-runner for the Demo-
he will remind you over and over that imagine what his butthole looks like. crats, which is a shame because she’s quite the epitome
he’s actually not just another white guy in a suit. Even if of Tumblr white feminism. If she wants to gain intersec-
that’s who he actually works with and represents. Worst thing ever said in bed tional support, she had better start publicly fucking black
1: “My daughter has a good figure. If she weren’t my guys. (I recommend.)
Worst thing ever said in bed: He doesn’t speak much, daughter, I’d probably be dating her.”
because he still can’t explain why supporting the cutting 2: “Part of the problem I’ve had with women has been in Worst thing ever said in bed: “Who is going to find out?
of food stamps and fighting against a minimum wage having to compare them to my incredible mother.” These women are trash—nobody’s going to believe
increase, benefits ethnic minorities and poor Americans. 3: “I just keep whining and whining until I win.” them.”
Kinks: Female ejaculation. No, really. He’s thirsty. Kinks: He doesn’t actually have sex—he just jerks off into Kinks: Let’s be honest, I don’t even think she mastur-
the mirror, standing on a podium, while a tripod records bates.
it and plays it over big screen television with a two-sec-
Bobby Jindal ond delay.
In 2008, Jindal became the first Indian-

American governor, which should re-

mi-
es
as,
ust
ng I was the kind of strip club customer that where he’s coming from and all (been there), but
spent every dollar he had (and didn’t have) to I didn’t want to be THAT GUY—I just wanted to
he feed my newfound addiction—which didn’t al- fuck THOSE GIRLS. In effect, I was pretty much
ways get along with my other addictions…coke the worst kind of customer—a legacy that was
dick in a limo with a busted hooker, isn’t pretty. I eventually consumed to become a part of the in-
n- eventually succumbed to the pitfalls of draining dustry
my business bank account into bankruptcy—
like every good sex addict does. But, this simply With this being the “Customer” Tribute Issue, The Barfly/Regular – He comes to see
would not do. I wasn’t going to get anywhere I feel as if I’ve gotten a little out of touch with the bartender, because he knows he won’t be
until I figured out a way to become the customer the customer. It’s not because I’m over 50 and able to score with a dancer unless, he signs over
from hell—the guy who didn’t need money to married with kids, that I’m not connected with a paycheck. But the bartender, she’s much more
hang with strippers. Failed careers as a male you anymore. I still spend 4 nights a week with approachable. She’s trapped behind that bar and
ut she has to listen to every tired war story the reg-
ur- stripper, Internet escort and amateur pornstar all of you, lurking in the shadows, as I always
er- didn’t pay the bills. There had to be some way have been. But, there is one major difference—I ular throws her way, as he sips from his endless
00 to tap into this industry that would still send me stopped drinking a couple years back, and now, I cup of coffee. He used to spend money on danc-
nd home with something more than a raw prick. pay very close attention to all of you. To each and ers, but he’s broke now and simply comes to the
hi-
every one of you, I am the motherfuckin’ watcher club because it’s possibly the only family he’s got
It all started one night about 20 years ago, on the wall. and it’s the closest thing to Cheers he will ever
er- after being up for four days, from one $20 sack be able to find. Except for the boobs, there just
of the Redwood Empire’s best peanut butter So, with that said, enjoy the following analy- happens to be a lot more boobs. No one wanted
crank—yeah, that’s what they called it, back sis of this month’s honorary tribute—the one to see Carla’s boobs.
then.The lack of sleep opened my eyes to new part of the industry we could not do without, the
possibilities. Leave the girlfriend, sell all your beloved customer. So, sit tight, that introduction
comic books and go to Portland to start a new life was where the compliments end. It’s gonna be a
in the “strip club capital of the USA.” What would bumpy ride.
ial
er
I do there? I dunno, I’ll put together some kind of
ry stripper competition that will allow me to judge There are many types of customers to choose
o- them based off some weird kind of contest that’s from, when a dancer is selecting her prospective
me like A Naked-Tattooed-Mardi Gras-Beauty Pag- source of income. Two things must be evaluated
ec- eant Of Fire-Breathing Pole Dancers? Shut the when making this choice – time and energy. If a
ck
fuck up, I was broke, high and desperate—BUT, regular always buys three dances from you, but The Poker Players – Not to be ap-
IT WORKED. you have to sit with him and play KENO for an proached unless summoned. They’re busy gam-
ut? hour before the payoff, you just made as little as bling away their SNAP benefits and strip clubs
ve I was to become the guy that thought he $60 in the hour and a half you spent with that have the cheapest booze. Go away. Unless, of
could run everything better than everyone else, guy. Your 5-hour shift would allow you to do that course, the rare occasion of the big payout hap-
and before long, I was the self-appointed media three times, plus stage money, resulting in about pens. Then, the high roller will let you sit next to
ur- him so you can push the button. But if you hit a
overlord of various forms of stripper combat— a $200 shift. Not horrible, not fantastic. But, are
FUCK YEAH!!! I believe Dick Hennessy shared you making the most of your time on that stage payout, it’s still his. He’ll sometimes buy you a
a similar point of logic in one of his “vagina and on the floor? It’s all about selecting the right well drink, while you’re picking up a top-shelf
monologues” a few issues ago, where he said customer. for him at the bar, “Where the fuck is that damn
something about “wanting to be that guy.” I see waitress anyway, she’s much faster than you.”

plain and simple. What other job besides strip- the night is over, the B-girls have puked in the VIP
per, would your man wanna go hang out with booth, tried to give a customer a handjob in the
you for the whole shift? Would he help her fold private dance booth, lost their cell phone 3 times,
sweatpants on her shift at Target? Fuck no, get a taken pictures with their cell phones two more
life—one of your own. She doesn’t need a guard- times, complained to the manager that a stripper
ian angel or a business manager that’s fucking crushed her cellphone on the stage (while she was
her—there are other words to describe that kind trying to Snapchat the dancers vagina), lost their
of relationship. Some of you are great guys, but no credit card and were last seen at about 3 am, in the
matter how cool you are with what your old lady alley, crying outside of Voodoo Doughnut.
does, you’re interfering with her ability to make
money…even if you’re up there throwing down
The Stalker – This is the guy who shows up the bills, you still lose. You’re a game changer—
at the club every day, to see if you’re on the sched- not the good kind. You get to fuck the stripper that
ule—even though it’s posted online. He might everyone else wants, so they all hate you. But, it’s
get a very “uncomfortable” private dance from you not like you can go to other strip clubs either, is it?
once in a blue moon, but he normally will just sit Your main squeeze would just love to hear that you
at your stage and put up a single dollar every song, were in a club down the street, dropping mad cash
to avoid being scolded. When you get off stage, he on that bitch Sophia’s stage, wouldn’t she? You
will retreat to a dark corner of the room and wait see, dear boyfriend…there’s a hidden disclaimer,
for you to emerge from the dressing room, so he when you choose to date a stripper—STRIP CLUB
can stare down every other man you talk to. = NO MORE FUN FOR YOU.
Other Strippers – Approach with caution.

Generally, they can be very generous customers if
they are there for a night of fun. But, when your
work is the sindustry, the polarities of fun shift
The Fixer (Save-A-Ho) – These guys used considerably. For my first 10 years in the industry,
to work in the industry, until one too many harass- I lived it. If I wasn’t working in it, I was playing in
ment charges and restraining orders were filed The Girls’ Night Out – Once the gals from it. Not now. If I show up at your club these days, I
against them, by one too many dancers. You need the office get liquored up and morally lubricated mean business. My playground is elsewhere, but I
a place to crash? No problem! They’re always there on Why Not? Wednesdays at Applebee’s, they’re am more than happy to provide all of you with the
to help a girl in need, especially if she needs to be gonna go lookin’ for some dick. And, what better most-exciting, flesh-filled playground you could
fingerbanged, while she’s passed out in the back place to find desperate dick, than the local strip ever hope for. But, if I’m hanging out at someone
of his car. Most of these guys try to stay employed club, am I right? They’ll hit the rack in a pack, cell else’s club, it’s all business, or I’m there to steal
on the fringe of the adult industry, by moonlight- phones out for the “OMG WE’RE IN A STRIP CLUB!” your job. Ask around.
ing as strip club drivers. Fuck these douchebags, selfie, to be distributed immediately to seven dif-
call Über. ferent social media sites. After being bitch-slapped Now, let’s get back to the strippers hanging out
for having their cellphones out at the stage, Brian- at the strip clubs. Off-duty packs of strippers, can
na, Bethany, Brittany & Brandy will cop, attitude be a gold mine, while solo-stripper is there to steal
by pointing at the dancers as they whisper snarky your job. If they ask you questions about what it’s
insults about whether the stripper bleaches her like to work here, treat her like the customer she is
asshole or not. “It’s $1 per song, if you’re at the and work her for a dance, in exchange for intel. The
stage—even if you have a vagina,” prods the DJ. house strippers are the first line of defense that
The alpha member of the B-squad, begrudgingly must be penetrated, if a new dancer is to enter a
slaps a dollar onto the stage. After security tries to comfortable working environment.
explain the algebraic anomaly of tipping to these
broads (four vaginas equals four dollars), they tap NEXT MONTH – The mother-of-all competi-
out and move to a table in the cheap seats. Actu- tions! Miss Exotic Oregon 2016 coming soon to a
The Insignificant Other – Fuck the boy- ally, the seats weren’t cheap—top dollar actually, club near you!
friends, most of all—they don’t need to be here, it was just the cheap asses seated in them. Before
THU 3 – KIT KAT CLUB
LIVE MUSIC WITH ADRIAN H & THE WOUNDS
LIVE MUSIC WITH THE FABULOUS MISS WENDY
FRI 11 – JAG’S CLUBHOUSE
GRAND OPENING PARTY
SAT 12 – STARS CABARET (SALEM)
NAUGHTY SCHOOLGIRL PARTY
LIVE MUSIC WITH ERIC & THE REAL MC COY
FEATURING JANE DEAUX
FRI 18 – KIT KAT CLUB
COMIC-CON NERDFEST PT I – HEROES & VILLAINS
FRI 18 – SUNSET STRIP – BACK TO SKOOL
SAT 19– KIT KAT CLUB
COMIC-CON NERDFEST PT II– COSPLAY BURLESQUE
SAT 19 – SANDS SHOWGIRLS (SEATTLE)
50-YEAR ANNIVERSARY PARTY
LIVE MUSIC WITH THE FONDELLS
THU 24 – THE RUNWAY
DJ DICK HENNESSY’S SO YOU THINK YOU CAN
LAP DANCE COMPETITION
FRI 25 – CHEETAHS CABARET
DJ DICK HENNESSY’S XXX SLUMBER PARTY
FRI 25 – PALLAS CLUB
BEST CHEST CONTEST
SAT 26 – SAFARI SHOWCLUB
END THE PROHIBITION PARTY
TO LIST YOUR EVENT IN STRIP CITY SPOTLIGHT
EMAIL INFO@XMAG.COM – $50 PER LISTING

Welcome to one of the sickest, most laid- them ridiculous—not that Finger Bang isn’t— and still more after that. We offer a full range
back establishments PDX has to offer—and, but, as soon as I texted it, I knew it was the of nail services, from acrylic and gel exten-
it’s open late night for everyone in the indus- one. It was a little too provocative with the ac- sions, to natural nails with plain polish or gel
try! Finger Bang Portland has brought to our tual word finger on the signage, so going with polish (Shellac is a brand name). Several differ-
city a new, creative, funky and fun environ- the finger logo made it more palatable to the ent kinds of pedicures and yes, we love to do
ment to get your nails done, indulge in some owners of the building and the general public. men’s nails as well. No, they don’t have to be
teeth blinging exercises or manage those un- The bonus is that I wound up with a kick-ass polished. Our waxing menu is limited; it’s not
ruly eyebrows when necessary. This salon is, logo. The part where literally everyone that a quiet, relaxing spa environment, so we aren’t
for lack of a better word, bitchin’!!! I don’t think comes in says, “I’m here to get finger banged,” offering “intimate” waxing, as there is not real-
there’s a better way to unwind from a hard is totally gratifying for all of us. ly enough privacy. I will be offering some den-
day’s work, than with a drink in hand, my feet tal bling as soon as the tool arrives. No grills,
in a bubbly foot spa and some killer company. but jewels and charms.
The owner of Finger Bang, Glynis Olson, invit-
ed me out to the salon to not just talk shop, What made you decide to run such
but to photograph some of her beautiful cli- different hours than other nail places?
ents at her place of business. Needless to say,
I walked away with an amazing experience Having been in the service industry
and the ammunition I needed to tell the rest for years, I wanted to have a spot for my
of PDX that Finger Bang has Exotic’s vote for people to go when they got off shift. May-
the most kick-ass new establishment in town. be you get done at 9 or 10 and you think
Thank you Finger Bang, for an amazing visit! it would be rad to get a mani-pedi, your
brows waxed or
When did you start dreaming of build- maybe you can’t
ing your own business? live another day
without a damn
I was on vacation in October and feeling sparkle tooth. You
restless about where I was at, as far as work. should have a place
I had transitioned out of bartending and was How long did it take to get it. Some-
looking for a change. This is what I came up you to reach your final times, it might rule
with. I have been an esthetician for years, so a goal of opening your to put your feet up
salon seemed logical. Nails are more rad than business? in a massage chair
just waxing, etc. that will fist you
I’m sitting here with a little; you don’t
What is your favorite thing about being my bottom bitch Asa and even need to talk
a business owner? we just did the math. I nice to it.
pitched the idea on Octo-
I really love being the Dolly Parton at my ber 26 and we opened on What sets you
own version of The Best Little Whorehouse In August 2—so, 9 months. apart from your
Texas. I mean, who’s a better hostess than Ol’ This is insane to think competition?
Miss Mona? It’s so great that my staff and I can about, because it felt like
give people a couple of hours to just hang out a thousand years while Communication
and have a glass of wine, some bubbles or a we were in the thick of it. is the key. I have
Montucky Cold Snack and watch some fucked gone with my best
up movies, while they get services. How many people friend for the last 9
do you have staffed and years to get my nails
Where did you get the inspiration for what services do you of- done. I have gotten
your name? fer? a pedi and a gel mani. I have never, however,
developed a relationship with my nail tech,
Actually, a friend of mine and I were tex- We have 9 on staff currently; in the next until I met Asa that is. I want our clients to feel
ting each other potential names, most of few weeks, we will be bringing on a few more like they belong here. If you aren’t happy with

a service, please tell us.
We will do everything
in our power to make
it right. You should be
able to have the same
connection with your
nail tech that you do
with your hairdresser
or the person that wax-
es you. It feels more like
a tattoo shop in here,
than a nail salon, and
that’s the way we like it.
We want to know all the
salacious details of your
weekend. We want you
to feel free to drop ALL
the F-bombs. It is vital
to me that you have an
experience, not just get
your nails done.
Is it better to book
an appointment or are
walk-ins available?
Right now, appoint-

ments are highly rec-
ommended. Walk-ins
will be a lot easier in the
coming months, when
we have a larger staff.
You have such a

fun logo, do you have
any merchandise
available with your
logo on it?
Currently, I have
stickers, koozies and
some t-shirts. The
hoodies are sold out.
I am getting more of
everything made and
adding some cool shit
to our sick merchandise
lineup.
How often do you

personally get your
nails done?
Every 2 weeks like

clockwork.

55 S
STRIP CLUBS E V E R Y T H ING E LS E

THE PALLAS 28 FOOD LOTTERY PUSSYCATS 134
112
13639 SE Powell Blvd | (503) 760-8128 3414 NE 82nd Ave | (503) 384-2794
Mon-Sat 11:30am-2:30am, Sun 1pm-2:30am 5226 SE Foster Rd | (971) 255-0133 162
ADAM & EVE 171
157 36
ACROPOLIS 1 FOOD LOTTERY
8325 SE McLoughlin Blvd | (503) 231-9611 PIRATE’S COVE 29 FOOD LOTTERY 9220 SW Barbur Blvd | (503) 224-1604 10813 SW Barbur Blvd | (503) 206-5874 (5 miles west of 217)
169
Mon-Sat 7am-2:30am, Sun 11am-2:30am 7417 NE Sandy Blvd | (503) 287-8900 Mon-Thu 10pm-10pm, Fri-Sat 10am-11pm, Daily 24 hours
BOOM BOOM ROOM 4 FOOD LOTTERY
Daily 2pm-2:30am Sun 12pm-8pm SEDUCTIONS 170 149
8345 SW Barbur Blvd | (503) 244-7630 PITIFUL PRINCESS 60 FOOD ADULT VIDEO ONLY 102 5321 SE Foster Rd | (503) 719-5046
C ED A R H
Daily 2pm-2am 12646 SE Division St | (503) 954-1019 Vancouver: Daily 24 hours
Daily 9am-2:30am SHEENA’S GSPOT 137
M U R R AY R
BOTTOMS UP! 5 FOOD LOTTERY 10620 NE 4th Plain Rd | (360) 891-3988
RIVERSIDE CORRAL 31 FOOD Mon-Tue 12pm-10pm, Wed-Sat 12pm-12am, 8315 SW Barbur Blvd | (503) 972-1111
I
16900 NW St. Helens Rd | (503) 621-9844
LL
545 SE Tacoma St | (503) 232-6813 Daily 24 hours
S
Mon-Thu 12pm-12am, Fri-Sat 12pm-2am, Sun 12pm-8pm LV
B
D.
Sun 12pm-10pm Mon-Sat 10am-2:30am, Sun 1pm-1am ALL ADULT VIDEO 103 SILVER SPOON 139
CABARET 7 FOOD LOTTERY ROSE CITY STRIP 10 FOOD 14555 SE McLoughlin Blvd | (503) 652-2004 8521 SW Barbur Blvd | (503) 245-0489
D.
17544 SE Stark St | (503) 252-3529 3620 SE 35th Pl | (503) 239-1004 Daily 24 hours Mon-Sat 10am-7pm, Sun 12pm-5pm
Daily 2pm-2:30am Daily 3pm-2:30am B.A. VIDEO 105 SPARTACUS LEATHERS 141
CASA DIABLO 46 FOOD LOTTERY THE RUNWAY GENTLEMEN’S CLUB 55 FOOD 3201 SE Milwaukie Ave | (503) 752-3154 300 SW 12th Ave | (503) 224-2604
2839 NW St. Helens Rd | (503) 222-6600 1735 SE Tualatin Valley Hwy | (503) 640-4086 Mon-Fri 11am-6pm, Sat 11am-5pm Mon-Thurs 10am-11pm, Fri-Sat 10am-12am, RD
.
Daily 7am-2:30am Sun 12pm-9pm ERRY
LLS F S PR
Daily 11am-2:30am BLUE SPOT VIDEO 106 C HO I
CLUB 205 56 FOOD LOTTERY SAFARI SHOWCLUB 33 FOOD LOTTERY 3232 NE 82nd Ave | (503) 251-8944 SYLVIA’S PLAYHOUSE 163 SW
S N G FI
EL
9939 SE Stark St | (503) 256-0527 3000 SE Powell Blvd | (503) 231-9199 Daily 24 hours 8226 NE Fremont St | (503) 568-4090
Daily 11am-2:30am Mon-Sat 11am-2:30am, Sun 4pm-2:30am CINDIE’S 109 Daily 24 hours
CLUB PLAYPEN 30 FOOD LOTTERY SHIMMERS GENTLEMEN’S CLUB 40 FOOD LOTTERY 8201 SE Powell Blvd #H | (503) 771-9979 TABOO VIDEO (4) 144
6210 NE Columbia Blvd | (503) 281-3212 8000 SE Foster Rd | (971) 230 - 0047 Daily 9am-12am Downtown: 311 NW Broadway | (503) 227-3443
Mon-Sat 11am-2am, Sun 2pm-2am Mon-Sat 9:30am-2:30am, Sun 10am-2:30am CLUB FANTASY 158 Portland: 237 SE MLK Blvd | (503) 239-1678
CLUB ROUGE 48 FOOD LOTTERY SKINN GENTLEMEN’S CLUB 21 FOOD LOTTERY 1232 NE Columbia Blvd | (503) 445-6688 Portland: 2330 SE 82nd Ave | (503) 777-6033
4523 NE 60th Ave | (503) 288-9771 Daily 24 hours Vancouver: 4811 NE 94th Ave | (360) 254-1126
403 SW Stark St | (503) 227-3936
W
Daily 10am-2:30am Daily 24 hours
H
Mon-Sat 11am-2am, Sun 2pm - 2am EXOTIC NIGHTS BOOKS 114
TORCHED ILLUSIONS 149
C
SPEARMINT RHINO 65 FOOD LOTTERY
FI
CLUB SINROCK 23 FOOD 5620 NE MLK Blvd | (503) 493-3944
CI
15826 SE Division St | (503) 894-9219 Mon-Fri 12pm-11pm, Sat 5pm-12am 17935 SW Tualatin Valley Hwy | (503) 259-2310
PA
12035 NE Glisan St | (503) 889-0332 Daily 6am-2am
Daily 11am-2:30am 4pm-2:30am Daily Live Models: Mon-Sat 12pm-11pm
SW
SPYCE GENTLEMEN’S CLUB 49 FOOD LOTTERY FANTASYLAND (2) 116 TORCHED ILLUSIONS II 169
DANCIN’ BARE 11 FOOD LOTTERY 133 SE 3rd Ave | (503) 547-8777
8440 N Interstate Ave | (503) 285-9073 33 NW 2nd Ave | (503) 243-4646 5228 SE Foster Rd (503) 775-0094
Sun-Thu 6pm-2:30am, Fri-Sat 3pm-2:30am Daily 24 hours Daily 9am-9pm
Daily 11:30am-2:30am DU
STARS CABARET BEAVERTON 36 FOOD 16014 SE 82nd Dr (503) 655-4667 THE RED DOOR 170
DEVILS POINT 12 FOOD LOTTERY 314 W Burnside St, Suite 300
5305 SE Foster Rd | (503) 774-4513 4570 SW Lombard Ave | (503) 350-0868 Daily 24 hours
Mon-Sat 11am-2:00am, Sun 4pm-2am FAT COBRA VIDEO 118 Daily 24 hours 55
Daily 11am-2:30am
STARS CABARET BRIDGEPORT 50 FOOD 5940 N Interstate Ave | (503) 247-DICK (3425) THE TOY BOXXX 164 112
DREAM ON SALOON 16 FOOD LOTTERY 12436 SE Powell Blvd | (503) 761-0355
15920 SE Stark St | (503) 253-8765 17939 SW McEwan Rd | (503) 726-2403 Mon-Fri 6am-3am, Sat-Sun 24 hours
Mon-Sat 11am-2am, Sun 4pm-2am FROLICS 120 Daily 24 hours 162 157
Daily 11:30am-2am
THE VELVET ROPE 101
(5 miles west of 217
DUSK ‘TIL DAWN: CASA DIABLO II 80 FOOD THE SUNSET STRIP 37 FOOD 8845 NE Sandy Blvd | (503) 408-0958 169
10205 SW Park Way | (503) 297-8466 Daily 24 hours 3533 SE César E Chávez Ave | (971) 271-7064
8845 SE McLoughlin Blvd | (503) 222-6610 Thu 8pm-2am, Fri-Sat 8:30pm-4am,
149
Open Daily Mon-Fri 11:30am-2:30am, Sat 4pm-2:30am, HEAVEN’S CLOSET 122

Sun 5pm-2:30am Sun 8pm-2am
C ED A R H
DV8 17 FOOD LOTTERY 5429 SE 72nd Ave | (503) 537-7286
UNION JACKS 43 FOOD Tue-Sat 11am-8pm X-OTIC TAN 147
M U R R AY R
5021 SE Powell Blvd | (503) 788-7178 8431 SE Division St | (503) 257-0622
938 E Burnside St | (503) 236-1125 HOT BOX 157
I
Daily 2pm-2:15am
LL
Daily 24 hours
S
Mon-Thu 4pm-2:30am, Fri-Sun 3pm-2:30am 4589 SW Watson Ave | (503) 574-4057
THE GOLD CLUB 72 FOOD
17180 SE McLoughlin Blvd | (503) 908-1177 TOMMY’S TOO 39 FOOD Mon-Sat 11am-10pm, Sun 11am-9pm
10335 SE Foster Rd | (503) 774-5220
D.
Mon-Sat 11:30am-2:30am, Sun 4pm-2:30am HUNNIES 148
Daily 10am-2:30am 3520 NE 82nd Ave | (503) 254-4226
THE NEW HAWTHORNE STRIP 19 FOOD
3532 SE Powell Blvd | (503) 232-9516 WHISPERS 67 Daily 24 hours
Daily 2pm-2:30am 6218 NE Columbia Blvd LIBERATED WORLD 123 E
Daily 12pm-3am LLS F
10660 SE Division St | (503) 257-6881 HO
HEAT GENTLEMEN’S CLUB 57 FOOD LOTTERY SC
12131 SE Holgate Blvd | (503) 762-2857 XPOSE 70 FOOD LOTTERY Daily 24 hours SW
Daily 10:30am-2:30am 10140 SW Canyon Rd | (503) 430-5364 MR. PEEP’S / MR. PEEP’S TOO (2) 162
Daily 3pm-2:30am 13355 SW Henry St | (503) 643-6645
JAG’S CLUHOUSE 32 FOOD
605 N Columbia Blvd | (503) 289-1351 505 CLUB 45 FOOD LOTTERY 20625 SW TV Hwy, Aloha OR | (503) 356-5624
Daily 11am-2am 505 NW Burnside Rd | (503) 666-2286 Daily 24 hours
Daily 11am-2:30am OREGON THEATER 127
KING’S 15 FOOD LOTTERY
13550 SE Powell Blvd | (971) 703-4248 3530 SE Division St | (503) 232-7469
Daily 1pm-2:30am Daily from 12pm
KIT KAT CLUB 69 FOOD PARADISE VIDEO 128
231 SW Ankeny St | (503) 208-3229 14712 SE Stark St | (503) 255-9414
Daily 5pm-2:30am Daily 24 hours
LUCKY DEVIL LOUNGE 47 FOOD LOTTERY PARIS THEATRE 129
633 SE Powell Blvd | (503) 206-7350 6 SW 3rd Ave | (503) 295-7808
Daily 11am-2:30am Mon-Thu 11am-12am, Fri-Sun 24 hours
LURE EXOTIC LOUNGE 2 FOOD LOTTERY PASSIONATE DREAMS 130
11051 SW Barbur Blvd | (503) 244-3320 6644 SE 82nd Ave | (503) 775-6665
Daily 11:30am-2:30am Daily 10am-4am
MARY’S CLUB 25 FOOD LOTTERY PEEP HOLE 131
129 SW Broadway | (503) 227-3023 709 SE 122nd Ave | (503) 257-8617
Daily 11:30am-2:30am Daily 24 hours
MYSTIC GENTLEMEN’S CLUB 52 FOOD LOTTERY POPPI’S PIPES 156
9950 SE Stark St | (503) 477-9523 1712 E. Burnside St | (503) 206-7731
Daily 9am-2:30am Mon-Fri 10am-8pm, Sat 11am-8pm,
NICOLAI ST. CLUBHOUSE 27 FOOD Sun 11am-6pm
2460 NW 24th Ave | (503) 227-5384
Mon-Fri 9am-2:30am, Sat 11am-2:30am
38 exotic magazine | xmag.com 38 exotic magazine xmag.com

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OREGON WASHINGTON
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2897 Marine Dr / (503) 325-2746 4635 Commercial St SE / (503) 763-6020 338 N Callow Ave / (360) 373-0551 12pm-2:30am / 7 Days
Beer & Wine, 1 Stage Lingerie, Clothing, Books, Gifts, Novelties DVDs, Books, Magazines, Novelties & Arcade STAN’S ADULT SUPER STORE
Tue-Sat 5pm-2:30am Mon-Thu 12pm-10pm, Fri-Sat 12pm-11pm, Mon-Sat 8am-2am, Sun 10am-10pm 9630 16th Ave SW / (206) 762-3299
BEND
Sun 12pm-6pm TURF NEWS Video Sales/Rentals, Magazines, Books,
BOB’S ADULT BOOKS 321 N Callow Ave / (360) 479-0111 Novelties, Lotions, Games, DVDs
3815 State St / (503) 363-3846 Videos, Magazines, Books 10am-12am / 7 Days
IMAGINE THAT Adult Books, Videos, 63 Ch. Arcade and Mon-Sat 11am-1am, Sun 11am-12am TABOO VIDEO
197 NE Third St / (541) 312-8100
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STARS CABARET 18+ Juice Bar, Full Menu 21635 Pacific Highway S / (206) 878-7780 10326 Lake City Way NE / (206) 523-5973
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The Sands Showgirls Gentlemen’s Club in known in the Ballard community and amongst After Gus passed in 2001, his family took over
Seattle (located in the Ballard neighborhood) is the local Greeks. His personal life was entwined running the business and continues to do so to
celebrating its 50th year in business! Join them in the club, since he lived just doors away and it this day. In 2005, they remodeled the club ex-
for their anniversary party, which will be held on was always a large part of his life. tensively and modernized their logo. The family
Saturday, September 19 at 8:00 pm. continues to enjoy throwing various celebrations
During the 70s, Gus installed a dance floor in at The Sands and loves to meet loyal customers,
The Sands was founded in 1965, by a spicy, the club for customers to dance with the danc- who remember Gus
hard-working Greek-American entrepreneur ers—which was a hit! There were sev- and the club during
named Gus (1926-2001), who had previously eral fisherman customers who would those early years. If
started a vending/bottling business, until he fi- return from their Alaskan fishing trips you have never been
nally found his calling with the Sands Showgirls. and bring fresh seafood to the dancers to the club or you’re
and spend their hard-earned cash on a seasoned regular,
He was a very generous businessman and donat- them. To this day, the club has many be sure to stop by
ed a substantial amount of money to many char- out-of-town customers, who still visit for this special 50-
itable organizations in Seattle. Gus had a love for whenever they return to Seattle. Gus year celebration!
the entertainment business, real estate, boating originally had a liquor license until, in Today, the club is a
and managed his investments and the club un- 1981, when the State of Washington local, highly-rated
til his passing. He always decorated the club for passed a stricter law, prohibiting all club in Seattle with a
special holidays, held contests and gave all his gentlemen’s clubs from serving alco- boutique and an in-
staff and dancers special Christmas gifts every hol and having topless dancing. In- timate atmosphere
year. He lived in Ballard and enjoyed socializ- stead, he elected to serve soft drinks and juices, that the customers love. Check out their web-
ing in the club and throwing celebrations with to maintain their nude entertainment license. site, Facebook, and Twitter pages for more info
all the local, loyal customers. Gus was very well- – follow them today.

TO ADVERTISE HERE,
CALL (503) 241-4317

red
red pages
pages •• to
to advertise
advertise here
here call
call 503.241.4317
503.241.4317 •• red
red pages
pages •• to
to advertise
advertise here
here call
call 503.241.4317
503.241.4317 •• red
red pages
pages •• to
to advertise
advertise here
here call
call 503.241.4317
503.241.4317
433
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E XOT I C R E D PAG E S - S E P T E M B E R 2 0 1 5
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going to hemorrhage; not a matter of Deep inside, most of us can feel the
if, just when. And, to many who have storm coming. The number of Ameri-
been involved in analytics brokering cans that believe that the economy
and Wall Street, they will try to offer a is getting worse is almost 50 percent
rational explanation, or if they choose higher than the number of Americans
to be honest, they’ll admit the other that believe that the economy is get-
side of the coin is about to drop—and, ting better.
when it does, this nation has never seen
the hurt this descent can bring. Civil unrest isn’t coming—it’s al-
ready here and it’s an epidemic on a
Other countries around the globe global scale. Did you see the explosion
are already suffering—entire govern- at the Chinese port city of Tianjin? One
ments and regimes are in financial ruin. day after China devalued their curren-
Greece has been on the ropes for some cy? I ask my logical-thinking, everyday
In a society where frivolous things
time and now China (a formerly noto- self—Is it mere coincidence that a 21-
are purchased on a whim every nano-
rious super power) has recently made ton explosion rocks one of the largest
second, we don’t always stop to think
headlines with talk of financial unrest. ports in China, a day after they deval-
about the larger pond we’re pooling
So, what happens to the world’s money ue their currency? Possibly—stranger
our money into. It’s a deep, dark, cav-
when it dries up? Not a nation, but an things have happened.
ernous hole full of crusty chewing gum,
entire global monetary collapse. Are
dental floss and last month’s eyelash
we so naïve to think that the global sys- My concern, however, is more
curler. We’re a race of petty individuals,
tem is impenetrable? And, I’m not just geared towards the poker hand China
purchasing petty things that make our
talking about a viral assault, but a peo- is slowly revealing, or rather, not reveal-
lives seem even pettier. So, why do we
ples’ conscious decision to end it? ing, until everyone else has their ass
do these things? Why do we continu-
hanging out for them to see. The US
ously throw money at plastic items we
Never in history, have we witnessed alone has combined public, private and
know aren’t biodegradable? Or, why
such extreme systemic imbalances in contingent liability debt, to the tune of
spend that extra two dollars on the
the world’s financial, economic system. $200 trillion thus far, having the largest
charity we are questioning the true au-
Let’s take for instance, that the US, Ja- debt obligation in all of human history.
thenticity of, as the counter clerks po-
pan and Canada have 52% of the Fed- Being caught with our pants down isn’t
litely asks if we would like to make that
eral funded debt in the world and they likely to bode well with other failing na-
contribution?
have only 7% of the population base. tions, who are already feeling the hurt.
That’s a staggering ratio and it leads
When a very large populous of peo-
you to wonder how such a small pop- What I am getting at, in a round-
ple condemns the one resource they
ulation has racked up such a gigantic about way, is where all this money
use every day, that populous is
debt? comes back to. The number one issue
not just plaguing Americans, but peo-

ple of all races and genders all over the flag event. We invaded Afghanistan first With conspiracy theorists feed-
world. Why does only one percent of in 2001, followed by Iraq two years later. ing the media frenzy, it’s become even
the world’s population control the mass By 2003, both countries central banks more apparent that things like Opera-
majority of money fluctuating in and were now under the control of the Roth- tion Jade Helm and all these massive
out of these countries? Who are they schilds. Then, in a unique turn of events, stockpiles of ammunition, food and
and how did they get this far with what we slid over to the UN for backing and what can only be explained as con-
they have? through back room meetings, lining tainment camps and mass grave sites,
political leaders pockets and sweet sexy are not for its U.S citizens directly—it’s
This is the question that needs an im- whispers in the right leaders ears, we for the war we’re about to wage with
mediate answer, because even after the ascertained by the year 2011 both Lib- the world. We know it’s coming, even
world has turned its nose up at the debt ya and Sudan’s central banks as well. If though we’ve been denying something
calculator and assets, countries and that wasn’t slick enough, in yet anoth- like this could ever happen on American
properties are frozen, something has er strange turn of events, the United soil again. But, it is coming, and it won’t
to be done. Who has the money to do States makes amends with Cuba and for be like the reckoning or the rapture—it
it and what are they planning? Well, you the first time in over 50 years, the Cuban will be a sea of red, brought on by the
won’t like the answer and you’re prob- embassy is flying the American flag. worst possible catalysts.
ably going to want to fact check this. Its central banking system is now also
You need to!!! Because everything I’m owned by the Rothschilds. “A One-World Government (World
going to tell you is true. The Rothschild Company) with a single, global market-
group owns the “Central Bank”—they Iran, another country we refused to place, policed by one world army and
have since the beginning of banks, and cooperate with on grounds of distrust financially regulated by one World (Cen-
they have everything all locked up like involving nuclear development. And, tral) Bank, using one global currency.”
Fort Knox. They are, without a doubt, here we are in 2015, shaking hands, tak- Open your eyes, before it’s too late!!!
the wealthiest people on the planet and ing pictures and giving hugs to yet an-
handle almost all of the world’s money, other country on Rothschild’s checklist.
expect in a few countries. At least it So, what about North Korea? The Unit-
used to be just a few countries—now, ed States has already blamed them for
it’s just North Korea. In 2000, it used to the cyber-attack on Sony and they have
be North Korea, Iran, Cuba, Afghanistan, continued the North Korea rhetoric in
Iraq, Sudan and Libya. So, how did those the mainstream media. So, it seems to
other countries lose control of their cen- me, there is just one more country to
tral banking system to the Rothschilds? seize financial control of, before the
Think back to 911 and the war in the Rothschilds can complete the
Middle East. Think back to the countries global monopoly—and
we invaded under the guise of a false once that queen is moved
into place its checkmate.

How will we get into that show? Don’t worry, I
know the bouncer!
the nation’s best kept secret, as we have be- Got a room for rent? No, but you can put a mat-
come the Ellis Island for those with artistic pursuits. tress in the washroom at the house where my three
Everyone wants to live and perform here, and how favorite bands live. SOLD! (for $100...true story!)
can I blame them? It’s a gorgeous city with the
best music, beer and strippers in the world...WHO It’s all quite romantic, now that I think about it.
WOULDN’T WANT TO LIVE HERE?!? So, we as artists, While I ultimately desire greener pastures (or in the
Hi, my name is Aaron Ross. I’m an actor, come- continue to get the same amount of money to per- case of moving to Los Angeles, browner pastures),
dian, talk show host with the most...and I’m broke. form, but the rent, price of food and transportation I will always look back fondly on a decade plus of
Broke as a joke. have all become exponentially higher. perfecting my craft in the City of Roses.
Sure, a lifetime of money and secu-
Jokes are what I peddle, most frequently on So, how do we survive??? Typi- rity sound, nice...but, that ain’t
Tuesday nights, when I perform my late-night talk cally, by leaning on each oth- got nothing on a coffee-
show “Who’s the Ross?” at Dante’s. I’ve been la- er... fueled day of collaborat-
beled “Portland Famous” and that’s not inaccurate. ing with my comedic
Aside from producing my own show, I host Sinfer- You put me on the comrades, followed
no twice a month, perform at national festivals, col- guest list at your show, by a whiskey-fu-
laborate with radical rockers, entertain celebrities, so I’ll put you on the list eled night watch-
hang with strippers, party with dignitaries, and at mine. ing the amazing
more often than not, I drink for free. But, despite all bands that I con-
that, I can barely pay my rent. Unfortunately, cool is I’ll trade you my sider friends, then
not a currency. drink tickets, for a meal waxing poetic with
at the food cart you a litany of talented
After seven years of not having a day job, I con- moonlight at. artists over PBRs, and
tinue to grind along in the city that raised me— finally, unwinding late
but, the dream of saying, “I make a living as a per- Sustain an injury? Who night with the lovely la-
former,” has become more and more difficult. The needs insurance—we’ll throw dies of the Lucky Devil, only
fact is, Portland is no longer a cheap place to live you a benefit! to find myself suddenly across
(everyone’s favorite gripe). It was when I was grow- the street at the Hot Cake House, with
ing up here, but that (as Portlandia calls it) “dream Is it your birthday? We’ll go to the bars we’ve my new friends—all to be repeated again tomor-
of the 90s” is gone. Our urban utopia is no longer performed at—they’ll hook us up! row.

Pageant. But, instead of real girls, he’s
pedophile, because I was promoting sex going to use submitted pictures of
This has been a big year for the Vagina to children. When asked how the word
Beauty Pageant— what’s changed? vaginas from around the world. Instead
vagina on the side of my car equated of actual judges, he’s just letting any
to promoting sex to children, he weirdo with a computer judge. And,
50 girls competed this year, while the mentioned the sex toys on my car and
pageant itself encompassed the entire instead of a trophy, he’s going to
pointed at the Sluricane bottle decal. 3D-scan the winning vagina and clone it
state of Oregon and the cash prize was
the biggest yet! I think it’s safe to say, into a masturbation device.
That’s ridiculous! Is it true you can’t park
that the sky is the limit, when it comes the Vagina Mobile at your own house?
to the future of the Vagina Beauty What do you think it is about the word
Pageant. vagina, that upsets people so much?
Very true! I’ve been banned by my
H.O.A.—based on it being a commercial/ I think the reason the word vagina
So, when the dust settled, Synodic obscene vehicle. I can no longer park it
emerged victoriously and took home is so infuriating to some, is the pre-
across the street cause of a tow notice/ conditioning we have from birth,
the title of Miss Beautiful Vagina 2015— warning. It was actually towed from
were you surprised she won? as a result of conservative-based
my friend’s apartment last year, due censorship, thanks to movies, television
to upset tenants, I’m still banned and marketing. If my car had a picture of
Synodic is one of the sweetest girls I’ve from Washington Square Mall and I’m
ever met. Her vagina has character as a big gun on it or it was called the heroin
currently fighting an unjust ticket I mobile, no one would bat an eye—I’d
well—more pronounced than just a received from Tri-met for alleged “non-
basic slit. There was a little hair on top probably get pulled over just as much,
transit use” parking. though! For some reason, the more
too, which I like to see—it’s good to
mix it up. Also, an inch or so above her we as a society try to hide vaginas and
What’s the most shocking thing you’ve pretend like they don’t exist, the more
vagina were the words “lick me,” which seen this year?
is a profound statement in my opinion. people get upset about them being
I think, regardless of our race, religious exposed.
I was amazed at the amount of things
beliefs or social standings, we should all that I saw inserted into vaginas this
take time out of our busy schedules to What’s the best memory you had this
year— everything from fingers, to a year?
reflect on the meaning of life and take a popsicle, ping pong balls, tongues,
moment to lick a vagina. glitter glow sticks, a drug filled condom, On the day weed was officially legalized
lollipops, actual fire and even a in Oregon, I took the Vagina Mobile
I couldn’t agree more! Speaking of lightsaber dildo with a Taser built into it
religious beliefs, what’s this I hear about to the rally on the Burnside Bridge at
you being confronted by a religious midnight. As I drove across the bridge,
I heard about someone stealing your the crowd erupted into a wave of
person? Vagina Beauty Pageant name? screams and cheers of Vagina for
A religious fanatic cornered me in the entire length of the bridge—it
Imagine my surprise, when I get sent was a surreal and awe-inspiring
a store parking lot. He said that I a video link a week into promoting for
would burn in hell for eternity experience. I felt the love from
the pageant and I see a Screech-Powers- my city.
and that the Vagina on-steroids-looking-guy claiming he’s
Mobile made me a doing the first-ever Vagina Beauty

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My DJ buddy, Vert Sin, was touring through Portland last year, and being from Boise, his bar was
not exactly high in terms of what he expected from a pizza restaurant. Still, it took him only minutes
to notice what was wrong with P-town’s idea of service. “Please bus your own tables? What kind of shit
is that? I could swear I saw a tip jar up front,” Vert muttered. I responded, “Yes, and if you notice, all the
condiments, soda taps, plates and cups are self-serve.” He replied, “What the fuck am I tipping for, then?”
Well, Vert, that’s a good question.
Millenials are a special breed of lazy, run a business that combines apathy with then disappeared for the second time and
specifically the less-than-the-time-it-takes- weirdness—hiring accordingly. ended up behind the bar. While there, she
to-read-this attention span variety, glued informed another bartender (and the rest
to their phones and willing to show up to Customers Are Exposed To More Than of the restaurant) that she can’t get her shift
work “whenever, maybe.” This is a national The Menu covered this weekend, because, “Brittany
issue, one that serves as an alternative to re- didn’t request a cover and that it’s bullshit
tirement for those of us willing and able to Waiting at Mcmenimahfuckitspell- that she showed up at five to work for her,
show up on time to whatever FroYo shop is check’s, a Portland staple of terrible service, and also, what’s with the new cook? Why
hiring “anyone who can show up on time.” it took about fifteen minutes for a server to is he always splitting up the tabs and tips
However, if you are visibly over the hill, living arrive at my table, plop ten menus (and a wrong? Don’t people around here know
in Portland, working in the service industry brochure for a hotel in Bend) in front of me, how to pour a Bloody Mary, and why don’t
and able to perform the tasks required to say that happy hour was going on and dis- we have any of that stuff we were trying to
do your job, chances are, you’re often con- appear for another fifteen minutes. Upon get rid of on tap—is it moldy again?” An-
fused for a worn-out and extra hairy Mille- her return, I was given a chance to order other ten minutes later, I order food, watch
nial. If the V-neck Morrisey t-shirt you are the sunset, watch the sunrise, get my food,
wearing is original, stamped with a 1986 and then immediately am given a check.
tour date and the whole she-bang, you “Your bill is here,” Shifty McBitchalot says.
have no excuse to possess a lack of work “Okay, thanks,” I reply while looking at a full
ethic that rivals that of a generation who plate of food. Two minutes later, my server
did not grow up on punch cards and di- is back to ask me to cash out because she
al-up modems. Unless, of course, you live needs to leave early. I pay her cash. Then, as
in Portland, in which case you are most you probably guessed, she presented me
likely reading this column at work, while with the change from her apron and pro-
the bosses’ friend impatiently stands in vided me with enough ones to tip...nah, I’m
the well, waiting for that I.P.A. he ordered just fucking with you. I paid with a fifty, she
six minutes ago. This phenomenon, the drinks. “I’ll have that non-alcoholic cider, bitched about it to the bartender (tips are
“why are you bothering me by being a cus- please,” I asked. “You sure? It’s happy hour really hard to split) and then returned with
tomer” attitude, does not fly in any other re- and beers are cheap.” This was her response, two twenties and a pile of coins for change.
gion. Here are a few reasons why Portland is to suggest a two-dollar beer, instead of giv- I asked for some ones, she rolled her eyes,
the mecca of underachievement, and a ter- ing me a four-dollar cider. Perhaps her cus- disappeared with the twenties and, after
rible example of what happens when you tomers tip a dollar per song? Either way, she I eventually acquired them from the oth-
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er bartender, she was long gone. But, not ers impatiently wave cash in anticipation an hour for something we could easily ob-
after bitching about how bad her tips were. of service. It takes years, if not decades for tain elsewhere without all the cultural ap-
a customer to transition from paying per- propriation and inflated menu costs?” Of
Nepotism Ensures Shitty Service vert to payroll. If the food is shitty, there’s course, the only logical way one could re-
another spot less than a mile away with un- spond to this would be, “Why not?” Aside
That neighborhood bar is awesome, der-priced steak. Dancers tip out the cooks, from Del Taco 2.0, the brunch scene in Port-
until you realize that most of the people but only if customers stick around to order land (yes, there is a “brunch scene” here... still
working there started out as customers or food. Same goes with cocktail waitresses, no hip hop clubs, but we do have a thriving
friends of the bar staff. Considering that, on who can’t afford to stare at their iPhone, industry that revolves around nursing hun-
busy weekend nights, you’re not going to while a dancer snatches up their custom- gover white people) actually prides itself in
get much of a chance to talk to a bartender and hits the bar. Even in places with se- how long it takes off-duty college students
er about how to turn in an application, it is quels located on the edge of “that’s too far to make a fucking pancake. One life hack,
safe to assume that many of these drunks- for Portlandia” territory, the chicken strips however, is a place called Slappy Cakes, lo-
turned-bartenders are among the best and and cheese sticks are of the best available cated on Belmont. They have great service,
most reliable pool of potential employees: quality. I don’t comprehend why, for any fresh food and for a decent price. Howev-
day drinkers. Yes, the girl who can’t pass a other reason than some sort of secret soci- er, they are also semi-D.I.Y. in that custom-
piss test, her artist-slash-skateboarder boy- ety of bartenders who all agree to cap their ers are encouraged to make their own pan-
friend and laptop guy, will eventually be on-the-clock fuck-givings, the non-nude es- cakes, using a grill attached to the table. By
changing kegs and asking how to work all tablishments are unable to see the poten- introducing the ideas of manual labor and
that DJ stuff, after doing enough coke with tial threat of losing business due to poor control over one’s own diet, Slappy Cakes
the new owner (the original owner never service. Unless, of course… repels a large percentage of the undesir-
sticks around, as bars in this town have the able manchildren, who would otherwise
same attitude toward commitment as re- Popular Portland Bars And Restau- ruin a good pancake thing. They also have
cently-divorced polyamorous sex addicts). rants Lose Credibility By Having Decent the best deep-fried bacon I’ve ever had, and
“Kyle, this guy who moved here from Chi- Service if anyone who works there is reading this,
cago, is totally gonna start bartending Sun- hook a dude up next time I roll through.
day,” says the unqualified manager-slash- There is an overpriced, white-people-
son-of-landlord. Two years later, enter the run Mexican restaurant in Southeast called The Roxy Now Has the Best Service In
Kickstarter campaign to save this Portland
beloved neighborhood bar. Sure,
they’d give discounts on already Sometime in
cheap Pabst to their friends (i.e. 1990 whenever, I
everyone in the bar, except those began to drink cof-
irritating tourists who keep ask- fee and smoke cig-
ing for a menu), hire entertain- arettes at the Roxy.
ment via Facebook comment It was a safe alter-
recommendations, run out of native to the extra-
stock and keep erratic hours. curricular activities
But, hey man, Cascadialand had at my high school
great pinball. Why’d they have to and there was a
close? very high chance
that one of the
The “But They Have Good waitstaff would end
Food And Drink” Excuse Used To Visit Por Que No, which translates to “why not?” up breaking something over a crackhead, in
Strip Clubs Is Valid This place serves glorified street food to order to remove them from the lobby. If not,
white hipsters and transplants, who wait drag queen fight. Either way, going to the
To be fair, this city does have some great hours outside the establishment, L.A. night- Roxy was like watching Jerry Springer, while
bartenders, servers and cooks. But, for the club style, for three-dollar carne asada ta- eating a sandwich named after a gay porn
most part, you can only find good service in cos. In this amount of time (and for a lot star; easily the best-spent dollar in Oregon.
strip clubs. Why? Because the lady (or dude) less money), you could pack up the kids and They used to pride themselves on having
behind the bar is competing with sever- drive to Woodburn or Beaverton (or, hell, sassy service, to the point where they’d put
al naked women, loud music and flashing 82nd) to buy food from a real Mexican. In- it on their menu that the “food may suck,
lights, therefore putting them in no place stead, it’s “Hey guys, do you want to wait in but at least the service stinks.” While work-
to fuck around on Instagram, while custom- the blistering heat and/or foggy-ass rain for ing strip clubs a few years ago, I would

rotate between that place under the Morri- The Customer Is Always Wrong in bottles, Tecate in cans...”
son bridge with the soul food that tastes like “Okay, so what do you have in pints?”
a Judas Priest shirt, the Hotcake House and Actual interaction between me and the “Ugh...Just Ninkasi.”
the Roxy (with occasional stops at Boogie’s white girl who I ordered an “extreme tostada” “I’ll have a Ninkasi.”
Burgers, which is rumored to be closing soon, from in some artsy shit shack near NE Alberta: “You sure? It’s the IPA and not too many
so go eat there now). people like it.” *
All of these places had “Hey, I’d like the “I take risks—give me one of those.”
above-decent service at tostada, but no sour “Okay, thank you.”
worst, good food and em- cream, please.”
ployees that didn’t inter- “Ugh... I’m, like, About fifteen minutes later, she returns to
pret “excuse me” as a slur. pretty sure there’s tell me they don’t have the IPA, but they do
Once I switched to day- no sour cream be- have the seasonal. I ask for the seasonal. She
job mode, however, I was cause we have veg- returns, “Here’s your tostada, umm, it looks
exposed to dozens of oth- an options.” like they put sour cream on it, so I left you a
er options, ranging from “Yes, I’m actual- spoon and a plate to dig it off.” Thanks a ton.
food carts to sit-down ly planning on eat-
joints, all of which were ut- (*Everyone likes Ninkasi
terly horrible examples of IPA. Everyone.)
why Yelp reviews should
be protected as free
speech. Hence, I ended TalesFromTheDJBooth.com
up inside the Roxy before
sundown one afternoon,
was promptly served and have made a hab- ing the ground
it of it ever since. The place with Jesus hang- beef tosta-
ing above a jukebox, just feet from a signed da, so no sour
photo of a male stripper, sitting across from cream if it has
shirts that say “Portland Fucking Oregon,” has any.”
the best service in town. No disrespect to the “I’m pretty
Roxy, but come the fuck on, Portland. A “Bit sure it doesn’t
Fat Heart Attack” should not be served with have any, sir.”
less resentment and in less time than your ar- “Okay and
tisan crepe platters or Pendejorritos. what do you have on tap?”
“Umm…Corona in bottles, Negro Modelo

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THE END OF THE

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R EP UBLIC ANS Chris Christie Rick Perry

Rand Paul Ted Cruz Bernie Sanders

In 2008, Jindal became the first Indian-

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Other Strippers – Approach with caution.

exotic magazine | xmag.com 31

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Right now, appoint-

You have such a

How often do you

Every 2 weeks like

exotic magazine | xmag.com 37

STRIP CLUBS E V E R Y T H ING E LS E

Open Daily Mon-Fri 11:30am-2:30am, Sat 4pm-2:30am, HEAVEN’S CLOSET 122

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CÉSAR E. CHÁVEZ BLVD

W SW SE ANKENY ST. RED LA N D RD

ON SHIN SW KS PIN W SE ASH ST.

ST. GTO STA E ST Y.

ALD 48 SE PINE ST.

C O O S B AY 3165 River Rd N / (503) 304-5230

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Well, Vert, that’s a good question.

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