I Was Sick

Opening my eyes, awakening from my sweet dreams this morning, I found myself sick with a bad
sore throat; could hardly speak clearly, thus, I asked my father to allow me to take a sick leave. My
head ached and I coughed seriously because of the choking phlegm. What was worse, I couldn't
stop sneezing and I used up five packets of tissue paper, little balls of tissue paper were
everywhere. Trying to get up from my bed, I felt my legs drag heavily like lead. Despite the lovely
sunshine outside, I still felt cold and couldn't stop shivering, even with a warm blanket on me. I
asked my mother to stay home for a good rest.(?)
As I lay weak in bed, bored and lonely, oh, how I yearned for freedom. I missed my classmates
and my teachers, thinking about what they might have been doing at that time. There were so many
activities I wanted to do! Such as going shopping, camping, mountain climbing and swimming; all I
was thinking whether I could get well soon enough to go out with my friends. It is true that health is
never justly treasured until ore(?) we lose it. Now I know health is priceless and I’ve made up my
mind to try my best to maintain mine.
修改前：217字

I Was Sick

When I opened my eyes this morning, I knew I was sick with a bad sore throat, I could not
speak clearly anymore and I begged my father to let me take sick leave from school. My head was
ached heavly and I coughed serious because of the choking phlegm. What was worse, I couldn't
stop sneezing and I used up five packets of tissues. Trying to get up from my bed, I felt my legs
drag heavily like lead. Despite the lovely sunshine outside, I still felt cold and couldn't stop
shivering, even with a fur blanket on me. I asked my mother to stay home for a good rest.
As I lay week in bed, I felt very bored and lonely, I eagered for freedom. I missed my
classmates and teacher, thinking about what they might be doing at this time. I wanted to do many
activities such as going shopping, camping, mountain climbing and swimming. I hope I could get
well soon so that I could go out with my friends. It is true that health is never treasured until ore
loses it. Now I know that health is priceless and I will try my best to mantain mine.

修改前：202字
 內容（5分） 結構（5分） ⽂文法（4分） 字彙（4分） 體例（2分） 總分（20分）

3.5（－0.5因 4 3 2.5（錯字太 2 15（16）

為我看不懂兩 多，不然3）
句畫底線的）

評語：
1. 拼字要注意
2. 句⼦子仍嫌冗⻑⾧長，要多⽤用⼼心在這上⾯面
3. 多⽤用⼀一些視覺化的句⼦子、形容詞使⽂文章更有趣活潑
4. 句⼦子要多變化
5. 內容很流暢，但是不要出現令⼈人看不懂的句⼦子
6. 要開始多⽤用⼀一些難⼀一點的字，尤其動詞
7. 連接詞⼀一定要多⽤用，轉折語也是
8. ⼤大部分句⼦子都很不錯，除了有點⽩白話
9. 副詞、形容詞也要多⽤用（不是形容詞⼦子句）
10.繼續保持（沒詞了）

精簡：

Despite the lovely sunshine outside, I still felt cold and couldn't stop shivering, even with a warm
blanket on me.

廢話多：
I hope I could get well soon so that I could go out with my friends.（16個字有3個 I ）

合理的主詞數量：
Despite the lovely sunshine outside, I still felt cold and couldn't stop shivering, even with a fur
blanket on me.

濫⽤用主詞：
When I opened my eyes this morning, I knew I was sick with a bad sore throat, I could not speak
clearly anymore and I begged my father to let me take sick leave from school.
（如果吃主詞會胖的話⋯⋯）
修改重點：

When I opened my eyes this morning, I knew I was sick with a bad sore throat, I could not speak
clearly anymore and I begged my father to let me take sick leave from school.

1.太多I
2. 句⼦子太簡單缺少變化，句⼦子⻑⾧長度都⼀一樣沒有什麼節奏
3. 內容太簡單
4. beg⽤用錯（哀求、乞討）

Opening my eyes, awakening from my sweet dreams this morning, I found myself sick with a bad
sore throat; could hardly speak clearly, thus, I asked my father to allow me take a sick leave.
1. 只有兩個 I（很重要⼀一定要注意）
2. 句⼦子⻑⾧長度適度變化，富有節奏感
3. 句型很多變化
4. 多⼀一些細節，更有吸引⼒力

What was worse, I couldn't stop sneezing and I used up five packets of tissues.

What was worse, I couldn't stop sneezing and I used up five packets of tissue paper, little balls of
tissue paper were everywhere.

⼀一樣是句⼦子太平舖直敘，多⼀一點細節⽐比較好

As I lay week in bed, I felt very bored and lonely, I eagered for freedom. I missed my classmates
and teacher, thinking about what they might be doing at this time.

1. 太多主詞（⼀一定要改掉）
2. 連接詞呢？
3. might be doing(現在式）
4. at this time(現在式）

As I lay weak in bed, bored and lonely, oh, how I yearned for freedom. I missed my classmates and
my teachers, thinking about what they might have been doing at that time.

I hope I could get well soon so that I could go out with my friends.
1.⼀一樣主詞太多了！（16個字就有3個 I，3個！）
2. 因為太囉嗦了，所以看的很累

all I was thinking whether I could get well soon enough to go out with my friends.
適度應⽤用⼦子句讓句型有變化