A Precious Picture

On the wall in front of my desk is a picture of me and three of my best friends, standing by the
Sun-Moon Lake. It was sunny and we took a 3-hour bus there. The scenery there was very
magnificent. First, we went boating on the lake, then, we went hiking around it. On the road
surrounding the lake, we saw a variety of trees, flowers, and beautiful peacocks roaming freely.
Feeling fired(?)tired after a long walk, we lay down on the green lawn side by side gazing at the
blue sky. Finally, we headed home by bus. It was such an exciting and unforgettable trip.
Now, looking at that picture on the wall, I feel the memory come to me vividly once again. The
trip to the Sun-Moon Lake not only was relaxing but also relieved my schoolwork. It gave me an
opportunity to observe the nature and escape from the hustle and bustle of city life. Therefore, of all
the pictures, I cherish this one the most, as it serves as a record of a pleasant journey as well as a
symbol of the deep bound between us.

修改後 194字

A Precious Picture

On the wall in front of my desk is a picture of me and three of my best friends. We were standing
beside the Sun-Moon Lake. It was a sunny day that day and we went there by bus. It took us three
hours to get to our destination. The scenery there was very magnificent. We first went boating on
the lake, then, we went hiking around it. On the road running along the lake, we saw a various of
trees, flowers and beautiful peacocks roaming freely. Feeling fired after a long walk, we lay down
on the grassy lawn side by side watching the blue sky. Finally we went home by bus. It was such an
exciting and unforgettable trip.
Looking at the picture on the wall, I felt that everything came in to my sight. The trip to the Sun-
Moon Lake not only relax myself but also relieve the pressure on my schoolwork. It gave me an
opportunity to observe the nature and escape from the hustle and bustle of the city. Therefore, this
picture has become the most cherished one for me, as it serves as a records of a pleasant journey
as well as a symbol the deep bound between us.

修改前207字

修改重點：

－連接詞

短句仍然太多。

如：
It was a sunny day that day and we went there by bus. It took us three hours to get to our
destination.

It was sunny that day and we took a 3-hour bus there.

錯⽤用連接詞造成誤會

flowers and beautiful peacocks roaming freely.（花跟孔雀⼀一起⾃自由的閒晃）

flowers, and beautiful peacocks roaming freely. (花和⾃自由閒晃的孔雀）

時態：整篇為現在簡單式（除了回憶過去）
I felt that everything came in to my sight.（過去式）

詞類：

we saw a variety（名詞） of trees, flowers

we saw a various（形容詞） of trees, flowers

grassy lawn（很多草的草地）（？）

可以改成soft lawn(柔軟的草地）或是green lawn(綠⾊色的草地）

⽂文法：

The trip to the Sun-Moon Lake S not only relax myself（反⾝身代名詞）

反⾝身代名詞的主詞和反⾝身代名詞必須相同

e.g.

I wash myself, (O)

He washed myself. (X)

－單數／複數

as it serves as a records (複數）

as it serves as a record （單數）

－冗句

It was a sunny day that day and we went there by bus. It took us three hours to get to our
destination.

可⽤用連接詞或是直接把 it took us three hours to get to our destination

改成 形容詞took a 3-hour bus there

It was a sunny day that day 直接寫 It was sunny 就好⽐比較簡潔

this picture has become the most cherished one for me

of all the pictures, I cherish this one the most, 焦點較清楚（在所有的照⽚片中，我最珍惜它）

On the wall in front of my desk is a picture of me and three of my best friends. We were standing
beside the Sun-Moon Lake

後⾯面可⽤用分詞構句連結

On the wall in front of my desk is a picture of me and three of my best friends, standing by the Sun-
Moon Lake.
誤⽤用

On the road running along （隨著湖延伸）the lake

改⽤用

On the road surrounding (環繞）the lake

內容（5分） 組織（5分 ） ⽂文法（4分） 字彙（4分） 體例（2分） 總分（20分）

3.5/5 3.5/5 2.5/4 2.5/4 2/2 13.5/15(10-14

可）

講評：
⽂文法錯誤⽐比以前少，但是簡單句仍然很多。邏輯⽐比較通順、結構也緊密。但是對於細節的描述仍然太
少，對於景⾊色、做的活動可以多加描述，使內容更加豐富。字彙要多精確地使⽤用。