Brutal Shark

A Screenplay by John Doe

INT. WOODS - AFTERNOON

On edge student MISS SUSAN BISHOP is arguing with grateful gardener DR DAVID
MALKOVICH. SUSAN tries to hug DAVID but he shakes her off.

SUSAN
Please David, don't leave me.
DAVID
I'm sorry Susan, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears
head on, instead of running away.
SUSAN
I am such a person!
DAVID frowns.

DAVID
I'm sorry, Susan. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
DAVID leaves.

SUSAN sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, loving mechanic PROF WILL GLOOP barges in looking flustered.

SUSAN
Goodness, Will! Is everything okay?
WILL
I'm afraid not.
SUSAN
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
WILL
It's ... a shark ... I saw an evil shark mug a bunch of kittens!
SUSAN
Defenseless kittens?
WILL
Yes, defenseless kittens!
SUSAN
Bloomin' heck, Will! We've got to do something.
WILL
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
SUSAN
You can start by telling me where this happened.
WILL
I was...
WILL fans himself and begins to wheeze.

SUSAN
Focus Will, focus! Where did it happen?
WILL
House! That's right - House!
SUSAN springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

SUSAN rushes along the street, followed by WILL. They take a short cut through some back
gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. HOUSE - SHORTLY AFTER

HARRIET WILSON a brutal shark terrorises two kittens.

SUSAN, closely followed by WILL, rushes towards HARRIET, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

WILL
What is is? What's the matter?
SUSAN
That's not just any old shark, that's Harriet Wilson!
WILL
Who's Harriet Wilson?
SUSAN
Who's Harriet Wilson? Who's Harriet Wilson? Only the most brutal shark in the universe!
WILL
Blinkin' knickers, Susan! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most brutal
shark in the universe!
SUSAN
You can say that again.
WILL
Blinkin' knickers, Susan! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most brutal
shark in the universe!
SUSAN
I'm going to need blades, lots of blades.
Harriet turns and sees Susan and Will. She grins an evil grin.

HARRIET
Susan Bishop, we meet again.
WILL
You've met?
SUSAN
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young SUSAN is sitting in a park listening to some orchestral music, when suddenly a dark
shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees HARRIET. She takes off her headphones.

HARRIET
Would you like some white mice?
SUSAN's eyes light up, but then he studies HARRIET more closely, and looks uneasy.

SUSAN
I don't know, you look kind of brutal.
HARRIET
Me? No. I'm not brutal. I'm the least brutal shark in the world.
SUSAN
Wait, you're a shark?
SUSAN runs away, screaming.

INT. HOUSE - PRESENT DAY

HARRIET
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
WILL
(To SUSAN) You ran away?
SUSAN
(To WILL) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
SUSAN turns to HARRIET.

SUSAN
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
SUSAN runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

SUSAN
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with blades.
HARRIET
I'm not scared of you.
SUSAN
You should be.

INT. CAMPUS - LATER THAT DAY

SUSAN and WILL walk around searching for something.

SUSAN
I feel sure I left my blades somewhere around here.
WILL
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly blades.
SUSAN
You know nothing Will Gloop.
WILL
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, HARRIET appears, holding a pair of blades.

HARRIET
Looking for something?
WILL
Crikey, Susan, she's got your blades.
SUSAN
Tell me something I don't already know!
WILL
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
SUSAN
I know that already!
WILL
I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed.
HARRIET
(appalled) Dude!
While HARRIET is looking at WILL with disgust, SUSAN lunges forward and grabs her deadly
blades. He wields them, triumphantly.

SUSAN
Prepare to die, you brutal courgette!
HARRIET
No please! All I did was mug a bunch of kittens!
DAVID enters, unseen by any of the others.

SUSAN
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those kittens were defenceless! Well now they have a
defender - and that's me! Susan Bishop defender of innocent kittens.
HARRIET
Don't hurt me! Please!
SUSAN
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these blades on you right away!
HARRIET
Because Susan, I am your mother.
SUSAN looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

SUSAN
No you're not!
HARRIET
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
HARRIET tries to grab the blades but SUSAN dodges out of the way.

SUSAN
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, HARRIET slumps to the ground.

WILL
Did she just faint?
SUSAN
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion,
involving my deadly blades.
SUSAN crouches over HARRIET's body.

WILL
Be careful, Susan. It could be a trick.
SUSAN
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Harriet Wilson is dead!
SUSAN
What?
SUSAN
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
WILL claps his hands.

WILL
So your blades did save the day, after all.
DAVID steps forward.

DAVID
Is it true? Did you kill the brutal shark?
SUSAN
David how long have you been...?
DAVID puts his arm around SUSAN.
DAVID
Long enough.
SUSAN
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Harriet Wilson.
DAVID
Then the kittens are safe?
SUSAN
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable kittens enter, looking relived.

DAVID
You are their hero.
The kittens bow to SUSAN.

SUSAN
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Harriet Wilson will never
mug kittens ever again, is enough for me.
DAVID
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the kittens passes SUSAN a tinkling talisman

DAVID
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
SUSAN
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.

SUSAN
Well, if you insist.
SUSAN takes the talisman.

SUSAN
Thank you.
The kittens bow their heads once more, and leave.

SUSAN turns to DAVID.

SUSAN
Does this mean you want me back?
DAVID
Oh, Susan, of course I want you back!
SUSAN smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

SUSAN
Well you can't have me.
DAVID
WHAT?
SUSAN
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a shark to death before you would believe in
me. I don't want a lover like that.
DAVID
But...
SUSAN
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and
thin - my best friend, Will.
WILL grins.

DAVID
But...
WILL
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
DAVID
Susan?
SUSAN
I'm sorry David, but I think you should skidaddle.
DAVID leaves.

WILL turns to SUSAN.

WILL
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
SUSAN
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly WILL stops.

WILL
When I said I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed, you know I was just trying to
distract the shark don't you?
THE END