DRY LAND AUDITION MONOLOGUES

ESTER: I’ve been sleeping in my swimsuit. I’ve been sleeping in

my swimsuit. For superstitious reasons. I haven’t taken it off
for a week. Because of this thing tomorrow. Swimming for the
coach. One day he’s going to come watch me at a meet, and the
next he wants me to come swim my best while he’s taping me from
under the water, like invading all that space. And I’ve only seen
his face once on a website, like a weird confusing blue website.
And this is the only place I’m getting recruited for because a
year and a half ago I had this thing where I couldn’t swim for
like three months so all the other schools dropped me. And I
have a rash. Like a really bad rash. I think. I haven’t seen it.
I mean whatever. I’m not trying to make you feel bad for me,I’m
just saying that I’m not like physically fit and smiling. I just.
My mom is out of town, and her boyfriend is a car salesman with
a kid. Who I hate. And I haven’t spoken to my best friend who
might be my ex-best friend, I don’t know, we haven’t spoken in a
week and she’s not coming to practice so, I told you. Do you feel
special?

AMY: I used to hang out a lot at the Rock Shop. You know the
store by the freeway where you can crack rocks that look like
regular dull rocks but actually have this crazy dyed crystal
stuff on the inside? I used to hang out there all the time and
crack rocks. And hang out with the boys who worked behind the
counter and then I went through puberty and they told me that I
couldn’t crack the rocks anymore. That it was weird for someone
my age with the way I look to be cracking rocks while kids had
birthday parties. So you know what I did? I replaced some of the
rocks with regular rocks, like from my yard. I never went back
to see what happened but I bet they really had to explain when
the birthday boy or whatever cracked this big rock and all there
was was more rock. That there wasn’t anything special hiding
underneath that it was just more rock.

AMY: There are two of them and I took the first one alone in my
bathroom and that was fine but I had these crazy dreams where a
dead pig was strapped to my back and it started to smell and
then this other one where my eyes fell out and rolled down this
long street that looked like it was out of a Shel Silverstein
book and then I woke up and spent the morning vomiting alone
in my bathroom but I got really paranoid that my mom would find
out so I went to the mall and I saw Ms. Soren shopping for bras
and vomited in the bathroom of the Ruby Tuesday’s and I put the
second pill up my vagina because that’s where it’s supposed to
go but then this Mexican woman came in to clean and told me that
I had to get out but I couldn’t go home because I looked up the
side effects and you like bleed brown thick blood everywhere so
when you texted me I came. You can leave if you want I don’t
fucking care. I just need to be here because I have nowhere else
to go.

VICTOR: I’m sorry it’s just like hard for me not to see you as
like—I don’t know I’m sure this sounds completely ludicrous to
you, but—an oppressive force. Not you. But like. I don’t know.
You’re getting scouted for swimming. Like you’ll probably get
some boyfriend like my roommate you know? Or at least your
picture on the wall or something with your whole team, smiling,
being really physically fit together. Eating all the meat in the
dining halls in your sweatpants and wet hair—at your reserved
table. Smiling. And I’ll be like listening to the Vampire Weekend
Pandora station in the common room with my RA named Fred.