Texting Sections

Section 1: Response Bait..............4

Section 2: The Day After..............10
Section 3: Making Plans..............13
Section 4: Golden Responses.....18
Section 5: Getting Sexual...........25
Section 6: Situational................30
Section 7: Random Humor.........35

© 2020, All Rights Reserved First edition The 99 Best Texts of ALL TIME by Bobby Rio
(TSB Magazine) and Rob Judge (Date Hotter Girls, LLC) © 2020, All Right Reserved
This book is copyright 2020 with all rights reserved. It is
illegal to copy, distribute, or create derivative works from
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“©2020, All Rights Reserved. You understand that the

information contained in this book is an opinion, and
it should be used for personal entertainment purposes
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none of this book is to be considered legal or personal
advice.”
 Section 1
Response Bait

T e x t # 9T 9
O ne -Hit Wonder ext

Do you like piña coladas and/or get-

ting caught in the rain?

T e x t # M9 8
T he Lovechild aker

What are your feelings on having a

lovechild?

4
 R e sp onse Ba it

T e x t #W9 7?
T he Red or the hite

What’s your favorite wine?

T e x t # T9 6
G irl ’s Got alent

I have a sneaking suspicion that you’re an in-the-closet

creative nerd. What secret talent do you possess?

T e x t # 9T 5
P u pp y Eyes ext

Most important question ever: do you

prefer big dogs or small dogs?

5
 R e sp onse Ba it

T e x t #9 4
A bsurd Weekend P lans
Weekend’s here! Finally time to smoke some crack, steal
some cars, get busted on a few counts of racketeering, and
maybe bake some gingerbread cookies…what you up to?

T e x t # 9 3
M usic P i r at e F Mirst at e

Bored at work…give me a good jam to ille-

gally download on the company computer

T e x t # 9 2
T exting A F oreigner

Even your texts have a weird accent…

where are they from?

6
 R e sp onse Ba it

T e x t # 9 1
L a u gh i n g @ B M ad ovies

Please tell me that you DON’T secretly

go to the Twilight movies

T e x t # 9 0
W e A ll T I
hink t
Am I the only one who finds perverse pleasure when
assholes from high school get fat? (Thank you Face-
book!)

T e x t #8 9
I nked D ogg y S tyle

I’m considering getting my dog a tramp

stamp… do you know any good tattoo artists?

7
 R e sp onse Ba it

T e x t # 8 8
D ead A n y w ay ,L Rast esort
I feel like Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense lol am I
a ghost? Do you respond to texts from dead peo-
ple?

T e x t # C8 7
G oo d Luck harm

Red or black? Quick!

T e x t # W8 6
L earn To Speak om a n

I just overheard a girl calling some guy a “ran-

dom creeper.” Can you translate this womanese
for me?

8
 R e sp onse Ba it

T e x t # 8L 5
S he’s A Charming ass
What sorts of things do you do when you aren’t
charming the pants off dreamy guys named [your
name]?

9
 Section 2
The Day After

T e x t #C 8 4
A t t a c k of t h e ougars
Things got pretty wild after you left last night…some ag-
gressive cougar grabbed my butt! And I have the hand-
prints to prove it! –Rob, that dashing man from [venue]

T e x t # 8L 3
P or L at i n a ove

Hola! Encantado de concorele! Mucho

gusto ;) Rob

10
 Th e Day A f t e r

T e x t # 8 2
B ad Girl, G T
oo d ext

Hey badass…when you get bailed out

of jail, hit me up

T e x t #A 8 1
U n d e r s tat e d w e s om e
For lack of a more Shakespearean first text, just
wanted to say it’s Rob and enjoyed meeting you
last night!

T e x t # 8 0
T exting A n o n y mo u s

I was trying to kick my text addiction,

but decided to relapse just for you

11
 Th e Day A f t e r

T e x t #7 9
W ild N i gh t

After last night we owe a large debt

to karma. I’m a little scared.

T e x t # 7 F8
S oul -Destroying un

I think I sprained my soul last night

12
 Section 3
Making Plans

T e x t #E 7 7
D ive B a r M at h q u at i o n

Monday night = dive bar night. You = my

date. Let’s get a drink later!

T e x t #E 7 6
R om a n t i c x plo r e r

Come join me for a romantic adven-

ture. Will be fun—let me know ;]

13
 M a king P l a ns

T e x t # 7 5
P ho n e B oo k N o s t a lg i a
Wow, just scrolling through my phone and realize
we never met up. So tragic. Let’s do something
about that; what you doing later?

T e x t # 7 4
S i mpl e D irectness

Drinks? Later?

T e x t # 7T 3
N erd Love fo r wo

There’s a nerdy movie I want to see, but I need

a cute nerdy girl to watch it with…know any?

14
 M a king P l a ns

T e x t # 7 2
B ack to the O D ld ay s

Let’s be traditional and enjoy an old

fashioned drink together

T e x t # 7L 1
T he Iron Chef of ove
Cancel your plans tonight—I am preparing
you a culinary experience that will rock your
face off

T e x t #S 7 0
D elicious urprise
Tonight I will plan everything. All I need to know
is if you have peanut allergies… everything else
will be a surprise!

15
 Sect i on Ti t le

T e x t # 6 9
C oo k i n g U pL ove

Slaving over a hot oven for you lady!

What time are you free tonight?

T e x t # 6D8
G irl With a og

How about me, you, my dog, and your

dog go on a double date?

T e x t # P6 7
T ake the lunge

Shark week’s over. It’s safe to go out

again. Meet for drinks? Later?

16
 M a king P l a ns

T e x t #B 6 6
M ock Gang angers

Yo gangsta, when are we gonna go on

that crime spree?

T e x t # 6 5
D at e Planner C ompl i m e n t

Will your wit and charm be making an

appearance tonight at [venue]?

17
 Section 4
Golden Responses

T e x t #H 6 4
D on’t Drink the at e r a i d

Don’t. Hate.

T e x t #63
I n s u lt Turnaround
If by inappropriate you mean utterly
charming, then you’re right ;]

18
 G ol de n R e sp onse s

T e x t # 6 2
H ear Thru the G rapevine

Can only tell you over a glass of wine.

T e x t #C 6 1
S o Much in ommo n

You like (something you like)?! It’s as

if you know my soul!

T e x t # 6K 0
G oo d Babisms to n ow

These are good [girl’s name]-isms to

know

19
 G ol de n R e sp onse s

T e x t # H5 9
M i s u n d e r s t oo d u mo r

You thought I was serious. Wow. Let me

explain absurdity over a strong drink…

T e x t #W5 8
T extual i s d om

Your texts are always packed with

Confucius-esque wisdom

T e x t #B 5 7
N o R e s po n s e reaker

You know I love shy girls and here you

are acting like one!

20
 G ol de n R e sp onse s

T e x t # 5 6
T ext C ompl i m e n t
You know, our text convos are so good that
100 years from now high school kids will
study them like they now read Shakespeare

T e x t #5 5
A mazing T exts
Where did you learn to text like this? It’s
like you channel the ghost of Voltaire with
your thumbs

T e x t # 5 4
H ard to G T
et ext

Why you always playing hard to get

lady?

21
 G ol de n R e sp onse s

T e x t # 5B 3
A fter a om b

On a scale from 1 to 10, that text was

abysmal

T e x t # 51 021
F lake Busting
You’re sick? Here’s the cure…STRONG DRINKS
WITH HOT GUYS NAMED [your name]. See you
at 8?

T e x t #5 1
M ass Text H at e r

Mass texts are about as polite as

punches in the face

22
 G ol de n R e sp onse s

T e x t #H 5 0
A fter ilarity

Hilarious! I wish my phone had a

laugh track…that was comedy gold!

T e x t # 4 9
A fter S weetness

How many other guys did you text

that to? ;]

T e x t #B 4 8
A fter u ll s h i t

The lady doth protest too much me-

thinks

23
 G ol de n R e sp onse s

T e x t # T4 7
S low exter
Is the Pony Express delivering your texts?! You
take forever to respond! Don’t think so much
about it—just text!

T e x t # 4L 6
R equest ine

Wear the black dress you know I love!

24
 Section 5
Getting Sexual

T e x t # 4 5
S exy C omm a n d o
Wish you were here to cuddle under a
blanket, drink wine, and watch a Rambo
movie

T e x t # 4 4
P i llow F i gh t Ch a ll e n g e

On a scale from 1 to awesome, how would

you rate your pillow fighting ability?

25
 Get t ing Se x ua l

T e x t #’ 4 3
S he’s Sick, You Sre icker

You’re sick? Well I’d still make out with you

shamelessly. Even if you had the Ebola virus.

T e x t # R4 2
H otness equst

The question is “sexy lingerie?” and

the answer is “yes!”

T e x t #4 1
H ol i d a y C heer

Tis the season to be cuddling…don’t

be a Grinch with your cuddles!

26
 Get t ing Se x ua l

T e x t # 4 0
C hddle C -Oa ll ut

How good are your cuddling skills?

T e x t # 3 9
S exy or T raditional
Needed: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline.
It will be a night of greatness or tragedy. Orrrrrrrr
we can just go out to dinner ;]

T e x t # 3 8
F unny & S exual

I just want to cradle you in my arms

and feed you applesauce

27
 Get t ing Se x ua l

T
N
ew
T
e x t
Years
#37
T

T e x t #36
O b v i o u s ly Sexual
Won’t answer that. I prefer to have an aura
of mystique surrounding me and my penis

T e x t #35
Cuddle Time
What are you doing right now and how
can we add some cuddling to that?

28
 Get t ing Se x ua l

T e x t # D3 4
B ack to the ... ay s

Let’s take a field trip back to the days when

making out was considered “risqué”

T e x t #T 3 3
M assage hearpy
It’s 10:23 on a Monday morning and I’m in
the mood to give some charming lady a mas-
sage…

29
 Section 6
Situational

T e x t # 3D 2
A rriving to a at e
Just got here… look for man holding the bushel of
flowers in front of the Mexican string quartet play-
ing love ballads in your honor

T e x t # 3 1
B ad Drunk B ehavior
Drunk me was misbehaving last night. My apologies
for the poor behavior. Sober me gave him a stern
lecture this morning and it WON’T happen again

30
 Sit uat iona l

T e x t #3 0
O ut of T ouch
Sorry I’ve been MIA…working hard so we
can have that house in the hills, white picket
fence, and 2.5 children

T e x t # 2 9
F unny New Y T
ears ext
My New Years Resolution is to start texting in the
third person. [Your name] wants to see you later
for some hot magic at the [venue] .

T e x t # 2L 8
W orking , with ove
I have to work tonight but if you end up going
out drinking I would like one courtesy peer
pressure text.

31
 Sit uat iona l

T e x t # 2 7
W inter D T
at e ext

The colder it gets, the better hot chocolate

tastes. Meet me later for a winter wonderdate.

T e x t # 2T 6
B est B i r t h d ay ext
It’s birthday season! Act surprised when the midg-
et pops out of the cake I sent you…my way of say-
ing happy birfday!

T e x t # 2T 5
P re -Game ext
WARNING: This is the last sober text you will receive
from me for the night. Admire the grammar, spelling,
and punctuation while it lasts!

32
 Sit uat iona l

T e x t #24
A fter Messing U p
What are you doing Sunday? My lackluster per-
formance last night was intentional: it can only
go up from here!

T e x t #2 3
C hristmas J oker
I just realized how bossy the guy who sings “We Wish
You a Merry Christmas” comes off. Hope he never got
that figgy pudding, what a demanding prick!

T e x t #H 2 2
N ew Years ilarity
Text from the future (don’t open until next year)…
wanted to say Happy New Years to you before
you’re bombarded with mass texts…

33
 Sit uat iona l

T e x t #2 1
R e s po n s i b l e G i f t s

I’m just gonna stay home for my birth-

day. It’s my b-day gift to my liver.

T e x t # 2 A0
N o S u b t ly at ll

Here’s a hint of the gift I got you: it’s

hard to gift-wrap an orgasm.

34
 Section 7
Random Humor

T e x t # 1 9
B ad Face H D
air ay

My friend just tried to convince me to grow a han-

dlebar mustache. He was overwhelmingly unsuc-
cessful. Do you have any feelings on mustaches?

T e x t # 1 8
O ld Creeper C omm e n t a r y

Just saw an old man on a scooter w/ kneepads

checking out babes. Made my morning…

35
 R a nd om Humor

T e x t # 1 7
M ocking C o r po r a t e

Sweatpants to job interview = poor

life decision

T e x t # 1 6
B eing an A r i s t o c r at

In the penthouse, listening to Mozart,

sipping aged Scotch, thinking of you

T e x t # 1 5
D istant M e mo r i e s

I was just reminded me of you.

Wow…

36
 R a nd om Humor

T e x t # 1 4
B ased on a T S
rue tory

Confession: The Twilight films are

loosely based on my life

T e x t # 1 3
F a m i ly W eirdness
My grandfather just slipped me a condom.
Our relationship went from 0 to awkward
FAST!

T e x t #C 1 2
B est L oo k i n g hildren

Let’s spawn some Zoolander-looking chil-

dren together…keep your day planner open!

37
 R a nd om Humor

T e x t #11
R o c k s t a r s

Let’s start a rock band. Can you learn

the drums by Tuesday?

T e x t #T 1 0
S hoo t g u n exting
Is it possible to get married over text? Because
if I have another beer, that might sound like a
great life decision

T e x t #N 9
F ear of injas

There may or may not be a ninja in my

room right now

38
 R a nd om Humor

T e x t #S 8
S ta r b u c ks Music ucks
The music in Starbucks makes me want to slit my
wrists. Please tell me you will join me in my hatred of
sappy Starbucks music!

T e x t #F 7
S at u r d ay N i gh t ever

Tonight you will see the greatest dance moves

from a heterosexual man…OF ALL TIME

T e x t # 6
F unny S e lf - D e p r e c a t i n g
Actually, you don’t want to see me…. I reached an all
time low drinking 4loco out of a Gatorade bottle

39
 R a nd om Humor

T e x t # 5
H ol d o n t o T h at F eeling

Please tell me you haven’t stopped

believing per the advice of Journey

T e x t # H4
D ay d r e a m s of er

Ahh, bored at work. Would much rath-

er be wrestling alligators with you

T e x t # 3
C off e e A ddict

I need Starbucks rehab. 3 times today, and

I’m STILL craving some vente love…

40
 R a nd om Humor

T e x t # 2
B reakfast of C h a mp s

Just ate a pancake that changed my

life

T e x t #L 1
T humb ove

Texting you makes my thumbs happy

41