It’s just too easy.

Delayed on your way to a meeting, you text, “sorry

running late.” You leave for work in the morning after a fight with your
partner and spend the train ride typing a monologue of hurt and anger. You
get a second invitation for Saturday night, so you text the person you
originally made plans with: “Apologies, not feeling well, need to cancel.”
Our increasing preference for texting over email and phone calls creates a
higher quantity of interactions, but it decreases their quality, harming our
relationships.
On the surface, these texts may seem like an acceptable way to handle daily
communication, but they actually are all examples of ways to avoid conflict,
from making lying easier to dodging in-person confrontation. Our
increasing preference for texting over email and phone calls creates a
higher quantity of interactions, but it decreases their quality, harming our
relationships. Indeed, it’s a far cry from paying attention and listening to
the thoughts and feelings of another person, and it’s missing the human
contact and learning that comes from true dialogue.
The problems with texting begin with the way it reduces conversation to
words or photos on a screen; the way it converts the interchange of human
connection to brief, stilted fragments. Even with a plethora of emojis and
exclamation points, the absence of intonation muddles the communication.
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As a psychotherapist, I see this phenomenon almost daily, along with the

unintended consequences it causes. Patients often read me text messages
during therapy sessions in hopes that I can decipher them, since without
facial cues and tone of voice, it can be challenging to understand the
intention of the message.
Worse, it encourages passive — or more often passive-aggressive —
behavior, what I call “hit and runs.” Typing on a screen invites impulsive
responses. Absent the ability to see the reflection of pain or hurt on
someone’s face, it’s easy for people to pound out anger or meanness. You
don’t risk interruption or need to take a breath, but what may serve one
person as a chance to clear the air often ends up overwhelming the
recipient.
Grammar rules are an invention. It’s time to stop taking them so seriously.
AUG. 3, 201903:38

Lying is also easier with texting, since it doesn’t betray the motivation
behind the message. Are you texting home to say you’re working late while
out for drinks with a coworker? Is your cold really that bad, or is the
prospect of another family dinner unappealing? Written words can hide a
great deal of emotion, and if forced to leave a voice message or deliver news
in person, your lie could come through because of weak intonation or guilt
(or both).
And although texting enables more frequent contact, it also can be used to
curtail conversation. The best example of this is the egregious way texts are
used as preemptive apologies, as in the reflexive “sorrys” that accompany
notes one is running late. But is the sender really sorry, or the apology
merely a brush-off to keep conflict at bay?
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Indeed, preemptive apologies are offered in hopes of not having to deal

with the consequence of having offended someone. While I can hear that
you are sorry, I also need a chance to say that I am hurt if we are really to
resolve the incident. Without the chance to express my feelings, the
apology will be less meaningful, as reconciliation is strengthened when
both parties have a say. Do I appreciate a text from a patient that she is on
her way and will be 15 minutes late? Absolutely. But that doesn’t mean that
we won’t talk about why she was late, especially if it’s a pattern.
At root, texting is lazy, and our relationships suffer when we don’t invest in
them. A “Happy Birthday!” text — even with cake and champagne emojis —
will never bring the same smile as a card in the mail or a phone call. Such
actions take time and planning. I’ve had patients show me the texts people
have sent them to express condolences after the death of a loved one. No
matter how many crying emojis are used, this is just wrong. A card and a
stamp take effort that demonstrate the sender understands the importance
of the event in the other person’s life. A conversation allows deep emotions
to be shared, and the risk involved in opening up this way is not only worth
it but necessary for real connection.
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From multitasking to abbreviated, one-sided sharing of information that’s

supposed to pass as conversation, text messages often leave the receiver
feeling short-changed, confused or devalued. That people are in touch
through texting with greater frequency and immediacy than ever before
means that, ironically, the opportunity for disappointment is also greater.
Recently, a patient told me of a text she received from her husband who
was at home with her at the time but unwilling to come upstairs and tell her
to her face how angry he was. She didn’t know whether to be more upset by
what he said or by his behavior.
Our skills for conversing are getting rusty and will only get worse as more
people use virtual assistants, online shopping and other apps that help us
avoid actually talking to another human being. Texting breeds not just
grammar and spelling illiteracy but, more importantly, emotional illiteracy
as well.
Texting breeds not just grammar and spelling illiteracy but, more
importantly, emotional illiteracy as well.
So if you’re running late, please text, but don’t think that exempts you from
talking about it in person. If you want to send a heart emoji, go for it, but
don’t forget to tell me you love me when you get home. If I’ve hurt your
feelings, by all means text me — to arrange a time when we can actually
discuss what happened.
The disappointment, anger and conflict that might arise in this and other
authentic conversations don’t have to be scary. Conversations that allow me
to hear your voice, see your expressions and support true dialogue are still
the gold standard for bringing us closer. A good conversation is the best
antidote to loneliness that I know. And for that to happen, please silence
your phone and leave it in your pocket. Then, let’s talk.