The ultimate guide to reaching your inner

Thunder Monkey potential through calisthenics

and intermittent fasting

By: Kasey Stern

The Vegetable Police on YouTube

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Table Of Contents
Contents
Disclaimer....................................................................................................................................................6
Acknowledgements......................................................................................................................................7
Introduction.................................................................................................................................................9
Chapter 1: Why work out?.........................................................................................................................10
CONFIDENCE..............................................................................................................................................12
DETOXIFICATION AND HEALING....................................................................................................................12
BLOOD SUGAR CONTROL............................................................................................................................13
SELF WORTH.............................................................................................................................................13
WHAT MOTIVATES ME?............................................................................................................................14
Chapter 2: What should I eat to recover?..................................................................................................14
REAL FOOD...............................................................................................................................................14
OUR NEEDS..............................................................................................................................................15
MICRONUTRIENTS AND INFLAMMATION..........................................................................................................16
MUSCLE GLYCOGEN...................................................................................................................................16
INTERMITTENT FASTING..............................................................................................................................16
CALORIE RESTRICTION.................................................................................................................................18
HIGH FAT VS HIGH CARB............................................................................................................................18
HORMONES...............................................................................................................................................19
BEST TIME TO WORK OUT?.......................................................................................................................20
FINAL THOUGHTS.......................................................................................................................................20
Chapter 3: The last 6 exercises you’ll ever need........................................................................................20
THE 6 EXERCISES........................................................................................................................................21
PUT YOUR HEALTH FIRST............................................................................................................................21
CAN YOU BUILD MUSCLE WITHOUT WEIGHTS?.............................................................................................22
Chapter 4: The Tier System........................................................................................................................22
HOW THIS WORKS.....................................................................................................................................23
Chapter 5: The Titles..................................................................................................................................24
DONKEY BITCH..........................................................................................................................................24

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 POWER SQUIRREL......................................................................................................................................25
MOUNTAIN HAWK.....................................................................................................................................25
THUNDER MONKEY....................................................................................................................................26
EVERYONE’S JOURNEY IS DIFFERENT.............................................................................................................27
Chapter 6: Keep track of your progress.....................................................................................................28
SET GOALS................................................................................................................................................28
NOT GETTING STRONGER?..........................................................................................................................29
Chapter 7: The Routines.............................................................................................................................30
CYBER NERD.............................................................................................................................................31
WEEKDAY WARRIOR...................................................................................................................................31
ALIEN.......................................................................................................................................................31
WHERE TO BEGIN?....................................................................................................................................33
LISTEN TO YOUR BODY................................................................................................................................33
TAKE AN ENTIRE WEEK OFF SOMETIMES.......................................................................................................34
Chapter 8: Train to failure or not?.............................................................................................................34
WHEN NOT TO TRAIN TO FAILURE?.............................................................................................................35
Chapter 9: The Warm Ups..........................................................................................................................37
STAY ACTIVE..............................................................................................................................................37
Chapter 10: Before We Get Started...........................................................................................................38
POWER VS STRENGTH.................................................................................................................................38
DEVELOPING DISCIPLINE..............................................................................................................................39
LIFE HACK CONFIRMED...............................................................................................................................39
Chapter 11: Pull Ups..................................................................................................................................39
1. STANDING PULL UPS...................................................................................................................40
2. AUSTRALIAN PULL UPS................................................................................................................42
3. 1 ARM STANDING PULL UPS.........................................................................................................43
4. L UPS......................................................................................................................................................................44
5. BABY PULL UPS..........................................................................................................................45
6. PULL UPS..................................................................................................................................47
7. ARCHER NEGATIVES.....................................................................................................................49
8. 1 ARM AUSTRALIAN PULL UPS......................................................................................................51

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 9. TOWEL UPS...............................................................................................................................52
10. SPIDER MONKEY PULL UPS.......................................................................................................53
11. THUNDER MONKEY PULL UPS...................................................................................................55
NOW WHAT?.........................................................................................................................................56
Chapter 12: Bridges....................................................................................................................................56
1. SHOULDER BRIDGES.....................................................................................................................57
2. BAMBOO BRIDGES.......................................................................................................................58
3. BURNT BRIDGES..........................................................................................................................59
4. BRAIN BRIDGES...........................................................................................................................60
5. HALFLING BRIDGES......................................................................................................................61
6. BRIDGES....................................................................................................................................62
7. DESCENDING BRIDGES..................................................................................................................64
8. ASCENDING BRIDGES...................................................................................................................66
9. FREE FALL SAFETY BRIDGES...........................................................................................................68
10. FREE FALL BRIDGES..................................................................................................................70
11. LUMBERBACK BRIDGES.............................................................................................................72
NOW WHAT?...........................................................................................................................................74
Chapter 13: Handstand Push Ups..............................................................................................................74
1. EINSTEIN HEADSTANDS.................................................................................................................75
2. FLAMINGO STANDS.....................................................................................................................76
3. HANDSTANDS..............................................................................................................................77
4. Baby HANDSTAND PUSH UPS...............................................................................................................................79
5. HANDSTAND PUSH UPS...............................................................................................................81
6. ILLUMINATI INITIATE HANDSTAND PUSH UPS..................................................................................82
7. ILLUMINATI HANDSTAND PUSH UPS...............................................................................................84
8. LEBRON HANDSTAND PUSH UPS....................................................................................................85
9. BABY HERCULES HANDSTAND PUSH UPS........................................................................................87
10. STARGAZER HANDSTAND PUSH UPS...........................................................................................89
11. HERCULES HANDSTAND PUSH UPS.............................................................................................91
NOW WHAT?...........................................................................................................................................93
Chapter 14: Leg Raises...............................................................................................................................93
1. SITTING KNEE RAISES...................................................................................................................94

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 2. RESTING KNEE RAISES..................................................................................................................95
3. RESTING DONKEY LEG RAISES.......................................................................................................96
4. RESTING CRICKET LEG RAISES........................................................................................................97
5. RESTING BABY GOAT LEG RAISES..................................................................................................99
6. RESTING GOAT LEG RAISES.........................................................................................................100
7. SUSPENDED KNEE RAISES...........................................................................................................101
8. SUSPENDED DONKEY LEG RAISES..................................................................................................102
9. SUSPENDED CRICKET LEG RAISES..................................................................................................103
10. SUSPENDED BABY GOAT LEG RAISES........................................................................................104
11. KARATE MASTER LEG RAISES...................................................................................................105
NOW WHAT?..........................................................................................................................................106
Chapter 15: Squats...................................................................................................................................107
WHY NOT SKIP LEG DAY?........................................................................................................................107
1. AIR SQUATS.............................................................................................................................108
2. PLATFORM SQUATS...................................................................................................................110
3. TABLE SQUATS..........................................................................................................................111
4. BODYBUILDER SQUATS...............................................................................................................112
5. SQUATS...................................................................................................................................113
6. NARROW SQUATS.....................................................................................................................114
7. BABY FLAMINGO SQUATS...........................................................................................................115
8. BB GUN SQUATS......................................................................................................................116
9. BOUNCY PISTOL SQUATS............................................................................................................117
10. FLAMINGO SQUATS................................................................................................................119
11. PISTOL SQUATS.....................................................................................................................120
NOW WHAT?..........................................................................................................................................121
Chapter 16: Push Ups...............................................................................................................................122
DO PROPER PUSH UPS.............................................................................................................................123
1. STANDING PUSH UPS.................................................................................................................124
2. INCLINE PUSH UPS....................................................................................................................125
3. KNEELING PUSH UPS.................................................................................................................126
4. BABY PUSH UPS.......................................................................................................................127
5. PUSH UPS................................................................................................................................128

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 6. 1 ARM STANDING PUSH UPS......................................................................................................129
8. LEBRON PUSH UPS....................................................................................................................131
9. BABY 1 ARM PUSH UPS.............................................................................................................132
10. ANCHOR PUSH UPS...............................................................................................................134
11. THUNDER MONKEY PUSH UPS.................................................................................................135
OH WE’RE NOT FINISHED.........................................................................................................................136
NOW WHAT?..........................................................................................................................................138
Final Thoughts..........................................................................................................................................138
Helpful Resources....................................................................................................................................140

Disclaimer
I’m not a doctor, or a certified personal trainer. I’m just like you, a regular person who decided work out
one day. I was 90% flubber and bone, but I had 10% hope and that’s all you need. I got into calisthenics,
because I believe it’s the most natural and safest way to exercise. I’m a health nut and while I wanted to
get strong, I didn’t want to do so at the expense of my health and longevity. Weight lifters often
complain about back and joint pain, and that’s what this program is designed to eliminate. What fun is
having massive amounts of strength if your joints ache and you can’t even show off to your cat without
him laughing at you as you hunch over in pain?

The Monkey Strength program is the culmination of all the information I’ve gathered over the years
about strength and health, and I’ve created what I believe to be the safest most enjoyable way possible
to gain muscle while staying injury free well into your 300 th year. Having said that, please do consult
your doctor or medical professional before starting this program. For all I know you had surgery to
lengthen your spine to impress your friends, and doing the bridge exercises in this book could literally
snap your spine in half. Be careful and go slow. If you’ve had multiple knee surgeries, ease into the
squats and stop if you experience pain. Work with what you have and use common sense. If you only
have one arm, don’t do one arm push ups with your phantom arm. No one likes a show off.

This book is for educational purposes only, and the author is not responsible for any of the shockingly
terrible things that might happen to you during this workout program. You start the Monkey Strength
program under your own risk and are solely responsible for your own health. Ask your trusted medical
professional if it’s a good idea to start this program, and take his/her advice seriously.

In reality, this is the safest way to work out that I know of no matter what your current level of
athleticism is, but do be cautious and talk to your doctor before starting this program, because they are

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so smart and know everything.

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Acknowledgements
I’d like to thank Paul Wade who wrote the book Convict Conditioning. You should definitely go buy and
read that book, it’s a masterpiece. It’s the bodyweight bible in my opinion. Monkey Strength was
inspired in part by Paul’s work, and was designed to improve upon it, thus rendering his life’s work
obsolete and bankrupting his family for generations to come. I’m joking of course; I highly recommend
you read Convict Conditioning, Convict Conditioning 2, and his FAQ series to learn more about the
science behind calisthenics. They are my favourite workout books.

Monkey Strength is a healthy mix of what I’ve learned over the years from various proven calisthenics
programs like Convict Conditioning, The Naked Warrior by Pavel Tsatsouline, as well as several other
body weight training books, programs online, YouTube videos and my own real life experience. That’s
what human beings should be doing, improving on each other’s work and advancing our collective
knowledge through our own experience.

If you head on over to my Vegetable Police YouTube channel, click on any video and check the
description box; you will find an affiliate link for the convict conditioning book. I’ll make a cool 7 cents
and it won’t cost you any extra. Thanks!

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I’d like to thank my girlfriend Cynthia, for loving me even when I was a 112 pound skinny fruitarian boy,
and I could barely keep myself from falling over when she hugged me. Love you Hun Buns.

I’d also like to thank my Mom for raising me as a single parent, and doing a fantastic job. Her support
while I was sick with ulcerative colitis was absolutely pivotal in my recovery and I owe her my life. Love
you Mom!

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Lastly I want to thank all of my wonderful YouTube fans. You motivate me every day to continue making
fun and informative videos. You give me just enough love when I’m down, and just enough hate to keep
me striving for improvement. I’m so grateful for you all! If for some reason you are not subscribed to
me on YouTube, first of all how dare you? Second, you put this book down right now and go subscribe
to the Vegetable Police on YouTube! I have over a thousand videos on how to get healthy, fit and
strong, and create the life you deserve with your powerful monkey mind.

Let’s do this!

Introduction
So, you want to be a Thunder Monkey? What’s a Thunder Monkey you ask? A Thunder Monkey is not
only impossibly strong and uniquely flexible, but they radiate health, confidence and vitality. They
possess inhuman strength, yet they remain lean and sexy year round and never get too bulky. They
could tear your limbs off if they wanted to, but they exude an inner confidence so powerful they don’t
feel the need to prove their superiority to you. So they let you live.

A Thunder Monkey has no pain in its body. They are extremely agile and have strong flexible joints that
not only don’t ache when it rains, but can support ridiculous loads of weight. Thunder Monkeys laugh
at arthritis, a foe they have defeated in embarrassing fashion. You will be doing full 1 legged squats with
your grandma on your back before you know it.

Lastly, a Thunder Monkey is robust, virile and healthy. Their movements energize instead of depleting
them. Their actions build and boost hormone production instead of draining them. A Thunder Monkey
exercises to lengthen its lifespan and enhance its life-force unlike cross fit and other extreme endurance
exercises which wear you down over time. Most exercise programs literally break you down and age

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you faster. Monkey Strength is a program that will youthen you. It will protect and strengthen the
integrity of every cell in your body. It will slow down and possibly even reverse the aging process, so
don’t blame me if you end up in a time loop floating in a place of nothingness before you were born.

After each workout, you will feel a great sense of accomplishment. Much like a video game, you will
progress through stages of increasing difficulty, level up, gain new titles and develop new skills; only
they will actually be transferable to real life. Stairs will become easier to climb, groceries will feel
lighter, and you’ll get more daring during sex. We’re talking upside down monkey love here. You will
feel energized after your sessions, and the sensation of beating your personal best from your last
workout will exhilarate and motivate you to advance through the entire series. There is no feeling quite
like conquering a dimension in Monkey Strength and moving onto the next one. I’m so excited for you!

Thunder Monkeyhood awaits you my friend.

Chapter 1: Why work out?

Look, I get it. Lying on your couch eating jiffy snacker pack pops dipped in snapper jack sauce while
watching movies is a lot easier than lifting your blubber filled body up into the air. It’s safe in our
comfort zone, so why the heck should we change? There are many great reasons to work out, and I’m
sure you’re aware of some of them, but let me put it simply. You will never reach your maximum
potential in any area of your life without incorporating some sort of daily movement into your regime.

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This was me before I started working out. I was 112 pounds of mango filled weakling. Not only did I
look weak and sickly, I felt weak in the mind as well. It’s amazing how your mind grows more confident
when your physical body improves.

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This was me 7 months after starting the Monkey Strength program from scratch. I was doing
calisthenics already at that point, but November 2017 is when I decided to start from the baby steps,
and build my body up the right way. I feel so strong, like I could easily take that fridge beside me and
throw it up through the ceiling, in case my neighbour from above needed a fridge. That’s Monkey
Strength.

CONFIDENCE
Improved strength leads to improved confidence. When you start developing your physical body, and
you become more toned, strong and capable; it increases your self belief in other areas of your life. Do
you need bigger muscles to accomplish all your goals in life? Maybe not, but now you can kick your
goals in the face. Power in the body increases power in the mind. You will feel it, trust me.

DETOXIFICATION AND HEALING

Moving the body is the only way to pump your lymphatic system and rid the body of deep seeded
toxins. Your lymphatic system is your body’s sewer system, and it doesn’t have a pump like the blood
does. You have to move your body to move your lymph. Your lymph will never empty if you are sitting
down all day sedentary. So even if you have no plans on gaining muscle, you just want to heal your

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body

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of some chronic disease; you should still exercise because you will only delay the healing if you sit still.
You can definitely over exercise and weaken your glandular system, but not with this program. It’s
designed to go easy on the body and provide plenty of rest to recover from each workout. It’s the least
stressful way to gain muscle and feel your best!

BLOOD SUGAR CONTROL

The more muscle you have, the faster you can clear your blood of sugar. Elevated blood sugar ages the
body rapidly. Your body is largely made up of protein and fat. Sugar can damage your body’s proteins
through a process called glycation. The longer your blood sugar stays elevated, the more time sugar has
to damage your proteins and wrinkle your face like a donkey. We’ll get into this more in the diet
section, but for now just know that having a decent amount of muscle mass gives you a place to store
more sugar safely in the muscle cells, away from structural proteins like your face. This will allow you to
eat high carb meals with less blood sugar issues. Don’t feel pressured to carb up after your workouts
though. These slow strength based movements don’t actually require a lot of glucose, and you’ll be just
as strong if not stronger on a high fat diet very low in carbohydrates.

SELF WORTH
Exercising self discipline gives you a great sense of accomplishment. It truly is an amazing feeling when
you get to move on to a new dimension in the Monkey Strength program. Especially one you’ve been
stuck on for weeks if not months. It took me 15 weeks to finally beat the 2 minute handstand. I was
absolutely elated when I heard the 2 minute buzzer go off and I was still up in the air. If you follow this
program diligently, you will not only develop your body way beyond what you ever thought was
possible, but your new found discipline will transfer into other areas of your life. Don’t be surprised if
you start looking at your life with a new set of eyes and re-examining everything. You might realize you
hate your job and you want to start following your dreams, or declutter your house and become a
minimalist. You might even meet your monkey soul mate. It’s just one of the many potential side
effects of developing Monkey Strength. You will become a better version of yourself. Someone who is
willing to make changes and face their fears and those are the most inspiring people of all.

Most people are afraid to try, and fail. As long as you are putting in a half assed effort in life, people
won’t expect much of you. People get comfortable in their mediocrity. But do you really want to look
back at your life when you’re 174 and think; darn I wish I had accomplished more? Don’t let your fear of
failure prevent you from doing what you love. Trying and failing over and over again until you succeed is
part of the magic of being a human being. We are here to better ourselves and the world, so as you
work on improving your physical body (which is much easier than working on your mind), your mind and
emotions will want the upgrade as well. So when you start doing the Monkey Strength exercises, your
increased confidence and vitality will spur on a whole host of desires to improve in other areas of your

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life, and then who knows where your monkey ass will end up.

WHAT MOTIVATES ME?

I work out to improve my health. I feel so much better physically and mentally now than I did before
when I lived a sedentary lifestyle. I have more energy, clearer skin, and no pain in my body. I used to
suffer from arthritis in my knees, had lower back pain, and my left shoulder used to ache from a
snowboarding accident I had when I was younger. I feel better than I ever have in my life, and that’s
what it’s all about for me. I get compliments all the time about how much bigger and stronger I look,
but I don’t work out for aesthetic gains. The muscles are just an amazing side effect of me
accomplishing my strength goals. I just aim to beat my personal bests from the previous week, and if
you focus on that, your Thunder Monkey body will reveal itself over time.

Chapter 2: What should I eat to recover?

What good is the ultimate workout program without a solid nutritional plan to rebuild your Thunder
Monkey self after your exertions? I just want to throw some nutritional theories at you, instead of
giving you exact guidelines to follow. We are all so different, there is never going to be one diet that fits
everyone. You may thrive on a high carb vegan diet, while another person may need a purely
carnivorous diet to feel their best. So I’ll give you some tips that should help improve your diet no
matter what you eat. I want you getting stronger, but not at the expense of your health. Health comes
first!

REAL FOOD
Stick to eating real food. No processed junk, and no refined sugars or oils. Eat whole foods in their
natural state as much as possible, whether those are plants or animal foods. Organic and local
whenever possible. Raw fruits in their whole state fully ripened, raw lightly cooked or juiced vegetables.
Ok juice isn’t whole, but life is about breaking the rules sometimes, and celery juice can help rebuild
your stomach acid so don’t be a whole foods nazi!

Just be careful with some plant foods if you have food sensitivities. If you find yourself exhausted, itchy
or depressed after eating, you might be reacting to something you ate. There are so many toxins and
anti nutrients to look for so research low fodmap foods, and pay attention to oxalates, histamines,
salicylates, lectins and other potential triggers. Start a food diary and write down what you eat and how
you feel, and you should be able to figure out your food sensitivities on your own. Start an elimination
diet to find out which foods trigger you, and avoid those foods for now while you heal your gut.

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If you eat nuts and seeds, soak them overnight in water, rinse them off the next day, and blend them up
with some probiotics to ferment them for 4 hours. Search YouTube for a video called “Never eat nuts
and seeds without doing this” to find out how. Nuts are very hard to digest in their natural state, so
doing this predigests them for you. Now you won’t fart every 18 seconds. If you eat grains and beans,
soak them overnight as well, and then rinse them well before you cook them. That’s how you get rid of
the anti nutrients and gain access to the nutrition of these hard to digest foods. Pressure cooking is
probably the best way to cook, because you destroy a lot of the lectins while preserving the most
amount of nutrients due to the short cooking times.

Always try to cook with water instead of dry heat i.e. baking or frying; fewer carcinogens are produced
this way. A baked potato that has been browned is much less healthy than a boiled one. That doesn’t
mean you should never have fun in life and roast some potatoes; I’m just giving you the optimal option
here. Baking and frying potatoes should be considered a treat rather than the default way you prepare
nature’s little starch bombs of love.

If you eat animal products, eat the whole animal. Don’t just eat muscle meat, it’s not balanced. You
need to be making bone broth to achieve a proper balance of amino acids, and eat all the various
organs as they are far more nutritious than muscle meats. That is how traditional cultures ate animal
products, nothing went to waste, and they respected dearly the sacrifice that animal had to make to
feed their tribe. Try to source grass fed and pasture raised animals. There’s nothing worse than factory
farmed animals, they live tortured lives and they are unhealthy sick animals that will make you sick if
you
consume them. I’m not a huge fan of dairy, but if you must, try raw grass fed milk, it’s much easier to
digest. It’s also one of the most allergenic foods known to man, so I would just leave it out unless you
know you tolerate it well. The exception would be grass fed ghee. Most people probably won’t react to
that, but still, be careful. You’re not a baby cow.

OUR NEEDS
You need to feed your body after each workout with enough amino acids to repair the muscle fibers that
you just destroyed, and you need enough healthy fats to rebuild and uphold your cellular integrity.
Carbohydrates are kind of unnecessary for this program, but if you feel great eating a high carb diet, by
all means continue eating that way. Just make sure you are getting enough protein to where you are
advancing each week and getting stronger. Play around with these numbers, but anywhere from 1.2 – 2
grams of protein per kg of body weight should be plenty enough to gain muscle. Too much protein can
age you, and will stiffen your body up like a panicked goat. Always try to eat the absolute minimal
amount of protein possible to gain muscle, and don’t go beyond that.

Also make sure you are getting enough of the essential fats to maintain strong and flexible cellular
membranes. Anywhere from 1-4 grams of omega 3 per day is what you should shoot for. It’s most
important not to consume too much omega 6, as both these fats compete for the same enzymes in
order to be utilized by the body. Eat too much omega 6 and you won’t absorb enough omega 3, then
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you might become inflamed. Aim to keep your omega 6 to 3 ratio at no higher than 4:1. That’s 4 grams
of omega 6 for every 1 gram of omega 3. Ideally your ratio is closer to 1:1. That means flax seeds, chia
or algae oil supplements with DHA and EPA for vegans, and fatty fish intake for the carnies and
omnivores. If you track your food intake on cronometer (google it) you’ll be able to see how much
omega 6 you are ingesting, then add in enough omega 3’s to balance it out.

MICRONUTRIENTS AND INFLAMMATION

Getting enough of all the micronutrients, vitamins and minerals your body needs to thrive is pretty
important. Get either a hair analysis or intracellular blood test to find out if you are deficient in
anything, and then eat foods rich in those nutrients. Also, always focus on strengthening your digestion
so you can actually digest and absorb your foods properly.

Focus on cooling the inflammation caused by exercise with anti inflammatory foods. Plenty of omega 3
rich foods and spices like turmeric and ginger if you tolerate them. If you think you can build a Thunder
Monkey body on hot dogs with a side of cake and muffin sandwiches, you are sadly mistaken. This
program is as much about health as it is about muscular strength. Respect your body and fuel yourself
with the best foods possible to maintain peak performance and supple skin into your later years.

MUSCLE GLYCOGEN
When I started working out, I was eating a high carb vegan diet, and I was making plenty of initial
strength gains. The noob gains as they call them. I wasn’t feeling my best overall though. I had a lot of
blood sugar spikes, acne and digestive upset. When I switched over to a high fat diet to remedy these
symptoms, I noticed a big increase in my strength. It actually surprised me, because I thought we
needed to carb up and keep our muscle glycogen full to get the best results in our workouts. While that
might be true for some explosive high intensity exercises, the slow and methodical strength based
movements of the Monkey Strength program are fuelled perfectly by fat. So while you don’t need a lot
of carbs for these exercises, if you feel best on a high carb diet, by all means keep doing it. If you aren’t
progressing up the stages after awhile, you might just need a bit more protein and fat.

INTERMITTENT FASTING
One thing I can tell you for sure is that it’s far more important and beneficial for strength gains to focus
on when and how often you eat, rather than what you eat. Although both are important, intermittent
fasting is a secret life hack that will boost your strength and improve your recovery time noticeably.

I myself eat one meal a day. I always work out in a fasted state, and then I enjoy a meal of kings after
my workout. I like to eat my one meal around noon or earlier, so working out just before that is best
for
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me. By that point my body has been fasting for 20 hours or more, and my muscle building hormones are
through the roof. Let me explain why this is the ideal way to eat for muscle gain, longevity, and health.

The more you eat, the faster you age, the sicker you get, the quicker you die. There are several ways to
slow the aging process. Intermittent fasting is one of them. Basically, all I want you to do is shorten
your eating window for the day. Most people eat in a very large window of time. Typically breakfast
around 7am, lunch at noon, dinner at 6pm and snacks in between. This keeps the body in a constant
state of digestion, and gives you no time to clean house and repair your body. Measure the time from
your first bite of food for the day until your last, and try to make that time as short as possible.

If you started breakfast at 6am and finished your last bite of dinner at 8pm, your eating window was 14
hours long. This is way too high! Try to get it down to 6 hours initially. You can accomplish this by
simply skipping breakfast and just eating 2 larger meals at lunch and dinner. When you are ready for
optimal health and longevity, try to get your eating window down to 1 or 2 hours. I typically eat for 1
hour a day from 11am to noon, and spend the other 23 hours a day fasting. That’s 23 hours every single
day I’m giving my body to rest, recuperate and regenerate itself.

You may need to work your way up to this, but just know that the longer you can spend fasting, the
slower you will age and the healthier you will be. I’m also considering doing a 48 hour fast every week
on my rest day. For us OMAD eaters, that’s just skipping 1 meal, it’s easy. The healing results of fasting
are insane. Things you didn’t even know were bothering you will clear up. Throw in a 48 hour fast at
least once a month.

This is an example of a high carb vegan one meal a day feast. Rice and beans, veggies, some chia seeds
with black garlic and spices and Celtic sea salt for flavouring. Simple, yet delicious.

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CALORIE RESTRICTION
Calorie restriction is another way to slow the aging process. A lot of people are eating themselves to
death. There’s nothing healthy about stuffing your face with 3 or 4 thousand calories a day if you only
need 2000. You will build your ideal physique, and look younger than you ever have by eating sensibly
and listening to your body. Discerning the difference between true hunger and cravings due to
boredom is the key to finding your ideal weight. Never try to satisfy your emotional needs with food.

I know you want to gain strength, but that doesn’t mean you should be trying to bulk up and gain
massive amounts of size by stuffing your face with cheeseburgers. This will only hinder your progress in
Monkey Strength. You will only be able to progress to the Thunder Monkey dimension if you are lean
and clean. There’s no way you are doing a 1 arm pull up if you are 80 pounds overweight. This isn’t a
bodybuilding regime where all you care about is size; this is a program designed to build optimal health
and achieve an astonishing strength to size ratio. You will possess very deceptive strength for your size.
You’ll likely be stronger than most people twice your size. Strength is not all about size. You will build a
very strong, sexy and functional body on this program that will be admired and praised, and you don’t
need to stuff your face to get it.

So by intermittent fasting daily, anywhere from 18-23 hours a day, this will naturally limit your calorie
intake to the perfect amount and improve your body composition without you even trying. When you
get to feast uninhibited every day for one giant meal, there is no feeling of restriction. It feels like
thanksgiving every day. This is the best way to eat in my opinion, regardless of what you actually eat.

This definitely isn’t a calorie restricted program. I don’t want you to under eat; I want you to eat enough
to be fully satisfied. I’m not asking you to restrict your calories to a specific number; I’m asking you to
restrict your eating window, and to listen to your body. Satisfy your hunger, not your emotions, and you
will reach your ideal body composition. Pay attention to how you look and feel. If you are getting
skinny and unable to make gains on this program, you may not be eating enough calories, or enough fat
and protein. If you are getting fat and flabby, you may be overdoing the calories and carbs, and this will
make the higher dimensions of Monkey Strength impossible to defeat.

You don’t have to eat beyond satiation to achieve an amazing physique. I’m not a fan of bulking and
overeating. All that will do is make your pull ups harder and put extra strain on your tendons, so just eat
sensibly until you are satisfied, fast for as long as you can each day, and consider throwing in some
longer 2 or 3 day water fasts every once and awhile to clean house.

HIGH FAT VS HIGH CARB

Personally, I find the one meal a day program to be much easier to follow on a high fat diet. Carbs
trigger cravings and when you switch to a high fat diet, that hunger goes away making fasting a lot
easier. If you are used to burning sugar for fuel, you’ll need a constant supply or you start getting
hangry! Frickin hangry. As soon as your liver glycogen runs out (which is only about 400 calories) your

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body panics and sends hunger signals to your brain so you’ll go get more sugar. A sugar burner’s sad
helpless body doesn’t realize that it has all the fuel it would ever need in its own body fat stores, so it
furiously asks you to get more sugar even though you don’t need more fuel. You don’t lack fuel; you just
suck at using the fuel you have.

Everyone has experienced that urgent hunger feeling where you start to lose your cool. You don’t have
to feel that ever again! We high fat dieters easily tap into our own body fat for fuel and never
experience that urgent hunger. We have 10’s of thousands of calories at our disposal. No panic mode
ever. We can go hours, if not days and weeks without experiencing true hunger depending on how
much body fat we have. I’m very lean, and still I am literally never hungry. Even when I do get hungry,
it’s never that angry must eat something now type of feeling. There is no desperate desire for food,
because my body knows where to find food (my belly) so it doesn’t send me panic button messages for
donuts.

That’s another trick to staying lean, since fat burners literally burn their own body fat for fuel; it never
has a chance to accumulate. It’s not like sugar burners can’t stay lean, they just usually experience lots
of hunger in the process of leaning out. It requires much more discipline. You’ll actually find that it’s
hard to even gain weight on a high fat diet. You’ll be so satiated; it’s actually hard to eat enough food to
keep your weight on. If you have weight to lose, this is a great life hack to get it off quickly and safely. If
you’re trying to gain muscle, just eat to satiation and listen to your body as well as paying attention to
your progress in the program. If you’re not beating your reps, you probably need more calories, or just
more protein and fat. Find your sweet spot to where you not only feel good, but you are gaining
strength without putting on too much fat. This isn’t Hippo Strength. Added fat will not help you.

HORMONES
With intermittent fasting, not only are you slowing down the aging process, not only are you healing the
inflammation caused by exercise at a much faster rate than if you ate multiple meals a day, but you are
also boosting muscle building hormones massively! This is the secret to why fasting is so effective for
gaining muscle. It seems counter intuitive, but after about 18 hours fasted, your growth hormone is
increased by up to 2000%! Your testosterone is also increased markedly. When you work out in this
hormone boosted, fasted state; you not only feel ungodly amounts of strength flowing through your
monkey blood allowing you to work out harder, but you also recover much quicker.

It might take you a few weeks to adapt to using your own body fat for fuel in a fasted state. Your body is
probably used to being fed a steady source of sugar all day for energy, and when you remove that, your
body will think it has no fuel like we discussed earlier. Most people rely on pre workout boosts high in
sugar to get through a workout, but when you keep fasting daily your body will eventually adapt, and
soon it will readily tap into your body fat stores for fuel while you’re fasting. Once you adapt to this way
of eating, you will have all the energy you need to work out and go about your daily life without the
need for food during the day. Then you get to feast until your heart’s content, and that will send your

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body the signal that everything is ok and you are indeed not starving. It will relax, realizing there is no
food shortage, and it will get used to the schedule of one daily meal.

BEST TIME TO WORK OUT?

Something I just learned is that the body has a peak performance hour, and it’s roughly 4 hours after
you wake up. I’m usually working out about 3 hours after I wake up, because that fits my schedule best
and that’s when I want to work out. You don’t have to be too rigid with it, just try to get as close as
possible to that 4 hour mark after waking up to work out for optimal performance. If that doesn’t work
for you, forget I even brought it up. You workout whenever is best for you, whether that’s immediately
after waking up, or in the evening. Everyone’s life is different, but never forget that you are the creator
of your life, and you can change it if you don’t like it. If you don’t have the time to work out when you
want because of your job, get a new one. What else are you here for other than to create the life you
desire?

FINAL THOUGHTS
Eat the foods that work for your body, in the right amounts, at the right time, and you will not only slow
the aging process down, build a lean strong healthy physique, and live longer; but you may even
develop a super human body of mystery that aliens will want to study so lock your doors at night.
Although the aliens will likely be able to pick your lock, thankfully when they try to kidnap you and bring
you to their ship, you’ll be able to throw them around like a sack of potatoes and continue about your
workout.

Chapter 3: The last 6 exercises you’ll ever

need
There are 6 series of exercises in Monkey Strength, and together they cover every necessary human
movement needed to build the perfect functional physique. These 6 exercises together will hit every
muscle group each week, and develop an even and balanced musculature so strong and attractive that
people will wonder if you are some sort of new breed of upgraded cyborg/human hybrid designed to
seduce and destroy other human beings for sport. You may lose some friends, since they will look like
sacks of jello wrapped in saran wrap standing next to you, so for their sake, wear some baggy clothes to
not draw too much attention to your magnificence.

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THE 6 EXERCISES

Pull Ups

Bridges

Handstand Push Ups

Leg Raises

Squats

Push Ups

There are 11 variations of each of the 6 exercises. We call them the 11 dimensions, and they get
progressively harder as you move away from high rep low resistance endurance building exercises, into
much more demanding 1 limbed strength based movements. No matter how strong you think you are,
begin your training in the 1st dimension of each exercise. They may seem embarrassingly simple, but if
you don’t start at the baby steps for each exercise, you won’t build the crucial tendon strength
necessary to accomplish the much harder 1 limbed movements in the higher dimensions. I can’t stress
this enough. You may possess the strength right now to be able to do a 1 arm push up, but you don’t
have the tendon strength to do it safely without developing painful joint problems in the future.

This program will bullet proof your joints and build insane amounts of strength slowly and safely. You’ll
be throwing elephants across the room by the time you reach the Thunder Monkey Dimension, and you
won’t have any shoulder pain from doing it. But if you jump right into the harder movements without
building up your tendons first and conditioning your joints properly, you are asking for serious long term
arthritic grandpa type trouble.

PUT YOUR HEALTH FIRST

Monkey Strength is designed with your joint health in mind. This is the safest way to build muscle that I
know of. Bodybuilders lifting heavy weights often complain about back, knee and shoulder pain. I don’t
think we were designed to lift such heavy things. It’s possible to condition yourself slowly for increased
weight, but in my opinion, calisthenics is by far the safer route to take for gaining muscle. I had
longevity in mind when creating this program. You should be able to do these exercises when you’re
212 years old wearing your flannel golf shirt and tight brown pants hiked up to your rib cage. This
program is all about strengthening and preserving your precious monkey temple for the long haul.

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CAN YOU BUILD MUSCLE WITHOUT WEIGHTS?
If you ever hear someone tell you that you can’t build muscle with just calisthenics, just giggle to
yourself silently and slowly back your way out of the room. These critics probably haven’t learned about
how one can push past the endurance building stage of calisthenics without weights. Sure, if you just
focus on regular push ups and pull ups, eventually you will plateau. It won’t be long before you can do
50 reps of these exercises, but increasing your reps higher and higher isn’t going to build any new
strength. Once you go past 12-15 reps or so, you are no longer building strength, you’re just building
more and more endurance. The critics of body weight only exercises probably don’t understand that
the key to building strength with calisthenics is to progress towards the 1 limbed movements. This will
increase the weight you are lifting, and increase your strength substantially. It just takes awhile to train
your body enough to handle that weight. So be patient young monkey.

With weight lifting, you can always just add another 5 pounds to your lift and gradually get stronger,
whereas in calisthenics the jump from a 2 legged squat to 1 legged is huge and seemingly impossible for
most. But that’s what this program is all about. There are ways to make the transition easier, and you
will learn about them shortly. So next time a bodybuilder tells you that you can’t build muscle with
calisthenics, ask them if they can do a 1 arm pull up or a pistol squat. Chances are their body will snap in
half like a fabergé egg. Their strength isn’t quite as functional as yours will be, and they lack the agility
and flexibility one requires to become a true master of their body.

These 1 limbed exercises are extremely difficult to achieve with proper form, but if you stick with the
progressions laid out in this book, you will get there! These are highly respectable movements so treat
them as such, and very slowly build your way up to them. Never test yourself by jumping into a higher
dimension before completing the last one. You are asking for trouble. Be nice to your joints and they
will last a lifetime. This isn’t a race! You have the rest of your life to continue getting stronger, and the
last thing you want is to get injured and be unable to train for weeks or months at a time because you
got overzealous. Slow and steady wins the race.

Chapter 4: The Tier System

I’ve designed a fun tier system to keep you motivated. You will start off as a lowly Donkey Bitch and
battle your way through the 11 dimensions until you become a Thunder Monkey! It will be one of the
most rewarding journeys you will ever take. I will guide you through the baby steps, and build you up
the right way to strengthen you slowly and prevent injury.

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This is the Monkey Strength Chart attached to your download and is a great way to keep track of your
progress visually. It has each of the 6 exercises along the bottom, and the 11 dimensions of difficulty
ranging from the 1st dimension as a Donkey Bitch, to the 11th dimension; home of the Thunder Monkey.
Each dimension has 2 stages, the apprentice stage and the warlord stage. When you complete the
apprentice stage of an exercise, fill the box in yellow. When you complete the warlord stage fill it in
green and move onto the next dimension. The goal is to fill the entire chart up in green like the jungle
your monkey ass was born in.

HOW THIS WORKS

Each exercise has 2 target rep goals. For example, the first push up exercise is the standing push up.
Your first goal is to beat the apprentice stage of 2 sets of 30 reps. Once you’ve managed that feat of
awesomeness, you can fill in your fancy little chart because you are now a Donkey Bitch Apprentice of
the 1st Dimension! Your eventual goal is to get 3 sets of 50 reps to become a Donkey Bitch Warlord of
the 1st Dimension! But slow down monkey, you likely won’t conquer this realm your first try.

1. Standing Push Up:

Apprentice: 2 sets of 30 reps
Warlord: 3 sets of 50 reps

When starting an exercise for the first time, be my guest and try to complete the warlord stage your first
try. It’s unlikely, especially in the higher dimensions but aim for the stars my friend! Do as many reps as
you can, write down how many you did, and try to beat it the next week. Don’t be discouraged if you
couldn’t even beat the apprentice stage your first time though, it’s designed to be hard! Becoming an
apprentice of any dimension takes a serious commitment and is a prestigious accomplishment.

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Apprentices in Monkey Strength are battle worn heroes of the night. They are strong, agile and have
perfected their form. Once you reach this level of expertise, it’s time to conquer this dimension once
and for all!

Once you become a warlord of your current dimension, you can move onto the next one, which in this
case would be the 2nd dimension: incline push ups. But please do stay in the previous dimension until
you can comfortably conquer it. If you just barely made it to the 3 rd set of 50 shaking like a kitten that
just saw an army of ghost dogs, can you really consider yourself a warlord of that dimension? Stay a few
extra weeks and make sure you are comfortably beating that final rep target to make sure it wasn’t a
fluke. You should be in full control, and have some reps left in the tank. Only then will you truly be
considered a warlord of that dimension and can move on safely to the next one.

Chapter 5: The Titles

No Thunder Monkey ever started out as a Thunder Monkey God ruling over their respective kingdoms;
they started from the bottom and worked their way up to the top. The Thunder Monkey dimension is
the boss stage in Monkey Strength. If you stay disciplined through each dimension, and you don’t cheat
yourself with sloppy reps, you will reach it eventually. Try not to put a time limit on it, just focus on
beating your reps from last week, and before you know it you’ll be hanging off vines of lightning as you
gaze down at the mere mortals of the earth realm.

DONKEY BITCH
During the first 4 dimensions of each of the 6 exercise categories, you will be known as a lowly Donkey
Bitch. Donkey Bitches are smelly, slow and unremarkable in bed. To their credit however, they are
respectable workers. They can carry heavy loads, and what they lack in speed and precision, they make
up for in heart and determination. Don’t let their slow methodical movements deceive you; the half
handstand push up is the finishing move in the Donkey Bitch dimension, so balk not at a Donkey Bitch,
they are capable battle worn warriors of courage and cunning.

Do practise your inner donkey patience in these early dimensions, and milk these beginner exercises for
everything you can. These are high rep, low resistance exercises designed to build up your tendon and
joint strength in preparation for the harder movements to come. Do the movements slowly and in full
control paying attention to your form, and perfecting it. The exercises may seem easy, but if you rush
through the Donkey Bitch Dimensions, you will be in for a shock when you get to the 5 th dimension and
you can’t even do 1 rep.

When you have truly conquered the 4 th dimension (your final Donkey Bitch dimension) and you have
milked it for every last bit of donkey milk possible, and the exercise is now easy for you; you have indeed

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earned your ranking of Donkey Bitch Warlord of the 4th Dimension! It’s now time for you to morph into
a Power Squirrel!

POWER SQUIRREL
Dimensions 5-7 make up the Power Squirrel dimensions. These are very hard movements, so
progression will be slower than it was in the Donkey Bitch dimensions. Time moves slower in this realm,
so expect this and don’t get discouraged. You are building true strength now. Where you might have
been leaping by 5-10 reps each week in the Donkey Bitch dimensions, you might only beat your personal
bests by 2 or 3 reps each week now.

As a Power Squirrel, you should be proud of your new rank! Sure, a Power Squirrel may not sound very
tough, but trust me, there is no creature in the garden more fierce. Sure, it’s a sissy garden where
there’s hardly ever any trouble, but you rule this garden! Power squirrels are unassumingly strong. You
may first look at a one and think oh, it’s just a squirrel. What could a squirrel possibly do to me? First of
all, squirrels can fend off cobras. They are formidable beasts, and should you ever come across a Power
Squirrel in real life, treat them with respect, and pray to sweet flat earth baby Santa that they are in a
good mood that day.

At this point you are already seeing considerable changes in your body and health. Power Squirrels are
already walking down walls backwards, and are getting close to doing 1 arm handstand push ups.
You’ve built up a steady foundation with strong tendons and are starting to build up some impressive
strength. You now have the dexterity of a squirrel in mating season, and you can finally impress your cat
with some of the movements you can do. Now you are ready to test yourself!

When you’ve paid your dues in the Power Squirrel dimensions, and have finally become a Power
Squirrel Warlord of the 7th Dimension, you morph into a Mountain Hawk!

MOUNTAIN HAWK
Dimensions 8-10 you become a mighty Mountain Hawk! I’m afraid to even look you in the eye right
now. Mountain Hawks can crush bones in their mighty grip, so be careful shaking people’s hands and
show some restraint. Mountain Hawks are very powerful. They are accomplishing such feats as half 1
arm pull ups, and full 1 legged flamingo squats. Progressing through the Mountain Hawk dimensions
takes courage. It’s a journey most humans wouldn’t dare meet head on. This is where the mind starts
to come into play. Anyone can do push ups for endless reps and work their endurance, but it takes a
special kind of hero to push through and develop the discipline to master the 1 limbed movements.

Mountain Hawks are the most feared aerial predator known to man. As a Mountain Hawk, you are
strong, swift and lethal. You are defying gravity at this point, and you are moving towards mastering the

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1 limbed movements. You are developing the grip strength that could hold a zebra down for tickling
sessions.

A Mountain Hawk is proud, but humble. They know they are deadly, but they conduct themselves in
such a way as to inspire others, not put them down. They are capable of serious feats of strength, and
they are proud of their lean muscular physique and tendons of steel; but they are aware of their
position in the food chain. They are aware that even though they are godly beings of the night, they are
not king of this realm we call Earth. They are well respected, and while a Mountain Hawk makes a fine
leader and is an inspiration to all those who behold its glory, they are humbled in the presence of the
wondrous and mythical Thunder Monkey.

Once you become a Mountain Hawk Warlord of the 10th Dimension, you undergo your final
transformation and become a Thunder Monkey!

THUNDER MONKEY
The 11th dimension is the boss stage. Complete it and you will be known around these parts as a
Thunder Monkey. The highest honour in all the land. A Thunder Monkey is ruler of this realm. They are
in complete control of their molten statuesque bodies of magnificence. Not only do they look like they
are carved out of a mysterious metal from a neighbouring alien planet, but they have the muscle density
of neutronium. Google that.

Thunder Monkeys are impossibly strong. They are in full control of their body, and can lift their entire
body weight with each limb. People will feel your aura as you step into a room. You can cure people’s
illnesses just by looking at them. That or they will internally combust under your gaze. Capable of
impossible feats of strength, they are admired and revered for their super human abilities, but they
walk the earth with a humble confidence. They don’t look down on those who are weaker; they see the
Thunder Monkey potential in all the Donkey Bitches out there. Thunder Monkeys are kind hearted
souls, and they inspire others to better themselves.

The feats of athleticism and control that Thunder Monkeys display often look otherworldly. People will
turn their heads and wonder if there is a glitch in the matrix, because what you’re doing doesn’t seem
possible to them. You not only defy gravity, you define human potential and possibility, and you do so
with a quiet but undeniable confidence. As a Thunder Monkey, you know that you could take any
human being twice your size and fold them in half while you eat a sandwich with your other hand. But
you would never do that.

Having true power, is knowing when not to use it. It would be unfair to ask a mere mortal human to go
up against a Thunder Monkey in battle, so use your strength to inspire and motivate others and don’t
fold them in half. A Thunder Monkey aims to inspire others by example, and always encourages the
Donkey Bitch, Power Squirrel and Mountain Hawk to better themselves. A Thunder Monkey never looks
down on others who are in the same process of self development as they are, no matter what stage

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they are at. They are proud of their disciples, and are overjoyed for other people’s success as much as
their own.

EVERYONE’S JOURNEY IS DIFFERENT

We are all very different genetically. Maybe you have really strong legs but a weak back, and you will
find yourself progressing fast through the squats, but slower with the pull ups. This is absolutely normal
and expected, don’t get discouraged. Just go at your own pace. I was a Thunder Monkey Warlord of the
11th Dimension in squats and leg raises, while still being a lowly Donkey Bitch Apprentice of the 4 th
Dimension in handstands. There is nothing wrong with that; each category will evolve at its own pace.

In fact, getting stronger in one exercise will usually benefit the other exercises as well. For example, the
stronger you are at the handstands, the better your push ups will be as well. All the exercises work in
unison to strengthen the body as a whole, so just progress through each exercise at your own pace, and
only ever focus on beating your reps from the previous week.

Did I mention “I’m a Donkey Bitch” t-shirts are available? Visit www.vegetablepolice.threadless.com

Thunder Monkey t-shirts are also available, but don’t you dare put on that Thunder Monkey shirt as a
Donkey Bitch! The Thunder Monkey gods will know of your impostery!

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Chapter 6: Keep track of your progress
I want to really hammer this into your monkey mind. From day 1, write down every rep you ever do!
That way you’ll have a goal to beat next week. When you beat your reps from the previous week, it will
motivate you to continue working out, because you’ll have proof that you are getting stronger. You’ll
definitely notice a difference in your body, and that will be enough motivation for most to continue.
Just try not to spend too much time staring at your glorious naked body in the mirror, admiring the
burning sculpture of perfection staring back at you. Your neighbours will think you’re weird. Why do
you do it with the curtains open?

So while it’s very motivating to visually see the changes taking place in your body, your major focus
should always be to just beat last week’s reps. This is what drives me to work out. This is the
foundation of Monkey Strength. Track each workout, write down every rep, and then you’ll have a goal
in mind to crush next week. That’s all you have to do. Your body will become more and more glorious
to look at as you progress through the dimensions. It’s a wonderful side effect, but not the end goal.

You should be dreaming of doing a 1 arm pull up one day, not focusing on how big your biceps are in
comparison to your triceps. You will build perfect symmetry with the Monkey Strength exercises. There
should be no desire to obsess about your body, and no need to single out any particular muscle group to
increase its size for the “perfect look”. You are already perfect, and if you stick to this program, you will
build an impressive and perfectly balanced functional killing machine of a body.

SET GOALS
Life without goals is just aimless wandering. Laser focusing on goals to accomplish is how you become
successful in life. For example, take two people of similar strength, and put them in a push up contest
against each other. Whoever does the most push ups wins. I can almost guarantee you that the person
who goes last will win. Not because they were stronger, but because they had a goal in mind to reach.
They just saw their opponent do 40 push ups, they will pull out that extra effort to get 41 even as their
muscles burn.

The first person was just going until they felt like stopping. There was no mystical driving force to
overcome, so at the first signs of struggle, they quit. If they had known that they only needed 3 more
reps to win, don’t you think they could have mustered up the extra effort? We always have a little more
in the tank than we think. A second gear to tap into.

Someone with a passionate goal is nearly unstoppable. There is almost nothing you can’t achieve when
you really put your mind to it. When the mind has a goal to latch onto, it will push through the
inevitable struggles to get there. If you know you did 2 sets of 9 pull ups last week, you know you can
at least match it. You’ve done it before. And when that 9th rep hits, and you are struggling, that

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motivation to beat your record will propel you up over the bar for the 10th rep. Without a goal in mind,
you will give up when it gets hard.

It’s such a great feeling to know you are stronger than your donkey ass was last week. There will be
times of course where you don’t beat your personal best, so don’t get discouraged. I’ve had several
downslides where I got weaker each week for several weeks in a row, and then exploded and beat my
personal best the following week. Strength comes in waves, but in general you should be seeing steady
progression each week. If you’re not, there are some things you should troubleshoot.

NOT GETTING STRONGER?

If you managed to do 2 sets of 10 push ups last week, and can only do 2 sets of 9 this week, you likely
messed up somewhere. Maybe your diet is 90% pizza? Or maybe you haven’t’ been sleeping well? Or
you had sex 7 times the night before and all your chakras are off in another realm recharging while you
drag around your lifeless body in the earth realm?

In the early stages, you should be beating your personal bests every week, they aren’t very demanding
exercises. When you start getting into Power Squirrel territory, it’s forgivable to have some downslides.
These are tremendously difficult exercises, and your nutrition and lifestyle have to be on point to keep
progressing.

That’s why it’s an absolute must that you write down every rep you ever do! But slow down young
monkey! Remember, stay at the current exercise for at least 1 or 2 weeks after you beat the warlord
stage, especially if you “barely” beat it. If you struggled through your last rep like you just dug your way
out of an avalanche naked in chains, you haven’t really mastered the exercise. Keep doing it until you
feel like your form is perfect and you are not failing on the last rep. When you know you could squeeze
out a few more reps and not die, that’s when you know you are ready to move up into the next
dimension.

Sample chart below of my own progress in the Brain Bridges.

4. Brain Bridges
Apprentice (15/15) (15/15) Complete

Warlord (25/25) (17/18) (20/21) (21/21) (24/25) (25/25) (25/25) Complete

It took me 7 weeks to conquer this dimension

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Moving onto the next dimension is the most exciting part of monkey strength! You not only have that
tremendous sense of accomplishment coursing through your veins, but you also get to test your new
found strength in a new and more difficult exercise. But do show some discipline and don’t be too
eager to move onto the next dimension without truly mastering the previous one. Ask yourself, is my
form perfect? Am I doing the movements slow and in control? Am I cheating? Are you kipping your
legs up during pull ups to gain momentum? You are only cheating yourself if you do this, and you will be
in for a world of hurt when you get to the higher dimensions and find out that they are way beyond your
current level of strength. So truly master these exercises and they will pay their dividends in the higher
dimensions.

Chapter 7: The Routines

These are your workout schedules. Here I will lay out a blueprint of which exercises to do on which
days, but slow down little monkey... I know you’d love to do all 6 exercises right away, but this really
depends on your current level of athleticism. There are 3 routines I recommend you follow. Start with
the first one because they get progressively harder.

Cyber Nerd

Weekday Warrior

Alien
The Cyber Nerd program is for people who have been sedentary for many years, and are maybe even
coming off an illness of some sort. They barely even go for walks, and their only exercise is typing angry
comments on the Vegetable Police YouTube channel. The heaviest thing they’ve ever lifted in their life
was their fourth plate of food at the all you can eat buffet they attend every week. Cyber Nerds only do
4 of the 6 exercises, because they are fragile beings that can barely stand up to a strong breeze. They
aren’t ready for bridges or handstands yet. We can’t trust them to be upside down with no supervision.

The Weekday Warrior program is for those go getters who are ready to get serious about their training.
Sure, they take the weekends off to make doilies with their grandma, but come Monday they are back to
kicking ass! They do all 6 exercises, but their life is still very easy. They take so many rest days they
might as well be living on a tropical island with monkey butlers.

The Alien program is for those looking to break free from their weak human genetics given to them at
birth. In a process called epigenetic manipulation, they become hybrid space beings capable of
otherworldly feats of strength. They look human on the outside, but the seemingly impossible things
they can do will have you questioning if they are really from this world.

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CYBER NERD
The Cyber Nerd program has you working out 2 days per week, with 5 rest days. Cyber Nerds train push
ups & leg raises on Mondays, and pull ups & squats on Fridays. They don’t do bridges or handstands yet,
these exercises are a little too advanced for their fragile bodies.

We don’t want you Cyber Nerds falling on your head while upside down. Build up your strength with
the 4 basic movements, and then as you start to feel stronger, attempt to conquer the 1st dimension of
bridges and handstands, but only when you feel ready. Your body will send you the signal that you are
ready for a harder challenge.

Monday- Push Ups & Leg Raises

Friday- Pull Ups & Squats

WEEKDAY WARRIOR
Weekday Warriors go hard during the week. They do push ups & leg raises on Mondays, pull ups &
squats on Wednesdays, and handstands & bridges on Fridays. That’s 3 exercise days, and 4 rest days per
week. This is a great program to build strength once you are ready for all 6 exercises. You will feel the
benefits quickly on this program. You never work out 2 days in a row, and you take 2 days off on the
weekends so you have plenty of rest time to recover.

This is a great program for anyone who is fighting fatigue or any kind of lingering health issue where you
need lots of rest time. You will get all the detoxifying and strengthening benefits of exercise, but you
will also get plenty of rest to recover and rebuild your organs and glands. It’s not draining at all to your
energy; it literally rejuvenates your system.

Monday- Push Ups & Leg Raises

Wednesday- Pull Ups & Squats

Friday- Handstands & Bridges

ALIEN
Aliens are here to conquer. They see regular human beings working out, and they giggle to themselves
in amusement at the embarrassing efforts they witness. They are here for a purpose; to laser focus on
each exercise and perfect it. They maximize their genetic potential by working out 6 days a week, but
they concentrate their efforts on just 1 of the 6 exercise each day. Also, since aliens have superior green

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blood, they do 3 sets instead of 2. This allows them to master and perfect their form, and advance
through the dimensions faster.

The weekday warrior, while very courageous can never focus on building each muscle group with the
same tenacity of an alien. For example: On Fridays, when it comes time for a weekend warrior to do
bridges and handstands, they have to split their energy and focus between the two exercises. Maybe
they get 15 reps of handstand push ups on their first set, but then when it comes time to bridge, since
they are already a little fatigued from the handstands, they can never truly give their full potential to the
bridge.

When you are first starting out, this isn’t a problem. You will still be making regular progress, and the
early dimensions of exercises aren’t all that demanding. Even though the bridges and handstands use
similar muscle groups like the shoulders and triceps, the movements aren’t hard enough to negatively
affect each other. You should have plenty of energy to complete both exercises on the same day. But
when you start getting into Power Squirrel and Mountain Hawk territory, you can’t be splitting your
efforts between 2 exercises and expect the same results as an alien who is laser focused on one.

For aliens you have a choice. Either do 3 sets in your current dimension, or mix things up a notch and
do 2 sets, plus 1 set in the previous dimension. Doing 3 sets of the same exercise can be tiring mentally
especially in the higher dimensions, but if you’re up for it, knock yourself out. I find it not only soothing
to the mind to do an exercise that’s slightly easier for your 3 rd set, but it will also help build muscle
endurance, and ease you into your cool down.

*Most exercises drop down from 3 sets to 2 around the Power Squirrel dimensions. This is because they
are moving more into strength based movements as opposed to endurance based ones. If an exercise
requires you to do 3 sets to become a Warlord, you do it! Even if you’re just a Weekday Warrior. For
Aliens though, even in the higher dimensions when you see that only 2 sets are required to become a
warlord, you need 3 to become an Alien Warlord. Although like we talked about earlier, your 3rd set can
be an exercise in the dimension below your current one.

Monday- Pull Ups

Tuesday- Bridges

Wednesday- Handstands

Thursday- Leg Raises

Friday- Squats

Saturday- Push Ups

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WHERE TO BEGIN?
Start with the cyber nerd program, and build your way up slowly with the 4 exercises. Conquer a few
dimensions, and as you gain strength and become comfortable with your routine, listen for your body’s
call for an increased workload. If you find that you have lots of energy leftover, and your body is letting
you know that you can handle more, dip your toes in the weekend warrior lake and attempt the
handstands and bridges on Fridays. If you can complete your sets and you aren’t exhausted by the extra
work, then you are probably ready for the weekend warrior program. If not, revert back to being a
cyber nerd who lives in your mom’s basement and try not to get chocolate on your pants.

When you have been comfortably doing the weekday warrior program for awhile, and you have gained
a decent amount of strength and conquered several dimensions, I want you to really listen to your body
for the call to work out harder before you inject yourself with alien dna and forfeit your earthly
citizenship. I followed the weekday warrior approach for months and months, and then one day, I felt
the call. 4 rest days a week was too much. I had more energy, and I knew I could challenge myself
further. That’s when I went to area 51 to get alien dna spliced into my genome.

The alien routine is definitely my favourite. I love doing just the one exercise per day. The workouts are
intense but they are over quick. You can be done in less than 20 minutes some days. This is a great way
to get all the benefits of strength based training every day, without taxing your system too hard.

LISTEN TO YOUR BODY

Just because you’re an Alien, doesn’t mean you are immune to difficulties. On this program, it is very
important to listen to your body. If you ever feel like you need an extra day of rest, take it. If you work
out Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, and all of a sudden your groin hurts, take a day off. Take a week
off if you need it. Don’t force yourself to work through injuries ever. If you follow this program the way
I laid it out, you should never get injured. The movements are so gentle and increase so very slowly in
difficulty that you are never shocking your body with more than it can handle. You will be fully
prepared for each new dimension if you conquer the last one properly. In the unlikely event that you
do get injured however, just rest up and heal. Continue on when you are ready.

Myself, I prefer to work out 6 days in a row on the alien routine, and then take 2 days off. My current
workout plan is on an 8 day rotation. This works out best for me. I don’t mind having an 8 day week,
but if that triggers your ocd and has you crouching in a corner writing letters to Santa Claus, then just
take the 1 day off per week so you can have your precious push day on Mondays always. You Nancy
pants. I find those 2 rest days vital however, for the body and the mind.

If you have pain somewhere in your body, rest and recover. I can’t stress this enough. Monkey Strength
is all about building and preserving the body for the long haul, this isn’t a push through the pain no
matter what style of program. Longevity and maintaining superior joint health is one of our main

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objectives here, so don’t forget that. Don’t try to be a hero and knock out reps if you’re injured. I don’t
want you fighting through sharp stabbing pains ever. I’m not talking about muscle fatigue pain here.
You better push through that monkey! I’m talking about the “you know something isn’t right” kind of
pain. Thankfully, since the workouts are spaced so far apart and you’re only doing push ups for
example once a week, you should be fully recovered with zero pain by your next week’s attempt, and
your chances of getting injured are almost impossible.

TAKE AN ENTIRE WEEK OFF SOMETIMES

If you ever feel just super exhausted and run down, take an entire week off. You will literally not lose
any strength in that short time. You actually might find that you beat your personal bests upon your
return. Rest is as important as working out when it comes to building strength, so let me encourage you
to take a full week off a couple times a year. Just take the whole week off and forget about getting
stronger. Go hike up some mountains, ride your bike around, or play some badminton with your
grandma. Use your monkey body to have some fun in life. While accomplishing goals is an integral part
of life and extremely satisfying, it’s just as important to have some down time where you just relax and
recharge. Balance my friend. Watch some movies, read some books, start a creative project of some
sort. Or do absolutely nothing.

Taking an entire week off regenerates the system. Any lingering joint pain you might have had will heal
up, and any muscle soreness you had will completely disappear. Taking a week off every now and then
will have you feeling fresher than a baby alligator swimming for the first time since breaking out of its
egg house.

Rest is as important as working out, if not more so. Whenever I feel called to do a water fast, or dry fast,
I just do it. I take the day off from working out, and get back at it the next day or whenever I feel like
breaking my fast. Nothing has to be written in stone, this is a flexible program that you can fit into any
lifestyle. Your health is the most important thing, so if you are ever feeling burnt out, back off and rest
more.

Now don’t use this leniency as an excuse not to train hard. When it’s time to work out, I want you to
really go for it! If you have no injuries, and you feel energized, Hulk Smash! In fact, even if you don’t
feel energized, you should always attempt your workout for the day. At least start it, even if you are
tired. There have been many days where I haven’t felt that energized until I started working out. Once I
got going, I pretty much always surprised myself with personal bests. The energy is there waiting inside
of you. Some of us are just too sedentary, and our system becomes stagnant so we feel tired. Once you
get moving, you will be surprised at how much energy you actually have.

Chapter 8: Train to failure or not?

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I train to failure. But I do so with control. Remember, you are working out each exercise just once a
week. You want to give it your all. You have an entire week to recover. That being said never put
yourself in danger to where you don’t have enough strength left over to get yourself back into a safe
position. I’m just being overly cautious for you. These are not dangerous exercises, just be smart. Even
in the most challenging positions of Monkey Strength, you’ll never have too far to fall should you lose
your balance, and you’ll never be carrying hundreds of pounds of weight that could come crashing
down on you like you would as a bodybuilder. But go slow, and don’t take risks. This program is as safe
as it gets, and we don’t do any of the weird high flying skill based movements that some calisthenics
practitioners like to show off with. This program is about strength, health and longevity, and safety is
my primary focus for you.

You will develop a great relationship with your body, and you will become very in tune with what your
limits are. I’ve never felt in danger of falling or injuring myself going to failure. So I say go to failure or
close to it, just be careful. And by definition, failure is when you attempt a rep, and you can’t complete
it because your muscles failed. In my opinion, you should stop 1 rep before that happens for ultimate
safety. You’ll know intuitively when that is. I personally like knowing that I went until I couldn’t go
anymore, and I always feel fully recovered by the next week, so I train to absolute failure in most
exercises.

WHEN NOT TO TRAIN TO FAILURE?

There are certain exercises where you need to be a little more cautious. For example, the 1 arm
handstand push up. If you go to absolute failure on this exercise, you better have an escape plan. You
will eventually develop an almighty third eye self awareness protection system, and you’ll be able to
sense where your body is at all times, and what all the potential scenarios and solutions are should you
ever lose your balance. You’ll just react without having to think about it.

Just as an example, I have suffered many rib injuries in my life. I got my first one many years ago at a
window cleaning job. I was leaning over the edge of a 20 story building trying to attach a 40 pound
bucket of water and a Bosun’s chair to a rope.

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All that weight was entirely supported by my chest and ribs as I was leaning over the edge of the roof,
and I felt something pop. It was a month of excruciating pain before fully recovering, and I wouldn’t
wish it on anyone.

For some reason (possibly due to my crazy fruit based diet at the time which may have weakened my
body) that injury kept reoccurring. It happened a couple times falling on the ground, and once falling off
my bike.

I’m now somewhat paranoid of even laying with my stomach down on the floor, so when I am doing
push ups, and I know I’m about to fail, I always fall hips first to take the brunt of the impact. It’s not
painful at all; my body just intuitively kicks in and gives me the safest possible option to land without
hurting my ribs. Thankfully I haven’t had a rib injury in several years now that I’ve built up a Thunder

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Monkey rib cage. I could let a car crash into my ribs and the only worry I’d have is how much money I’d
owe for the damages to the car.

So just be careful, be aware of your position at all times and plan out in advance what your exit strategy
is in the rare case that you might lose your balance and fall. I’ve never once felt in danger of falling or
hurting myself in any of these exercises. I’ve fallen back on my butt several times attempting the pistol
squat, but you are like 3 inches off the ground at that point and there is literally zero chance of injuring
yourself unless you lined your floor with tacks. It’s really only the handstand push ups (since you are
upside down) and the free fall bridges (since you are slowly falling backwards towards the ground as
part of the exercise) that should be approached with a bit more caution. If you know you can’t do
another rep safely, just back off and leave it in the tank.

Chapter 9: The Warm Ups

Always warm up the body before starting your main sets. If you have a warm up routine you enjoy, go
for it. If not, I find the simplest way to warm up for Monkey Strength exercises are to just do a few reps
of a lower dimension exercise. Obviously if you just starting in the 1 st dimension, you’ll have no easier
exercise to warm up with, but they are so easy in general they are basically considered a warm up. Just
move the body around bit before you start. Swing your arms around, run on the spot, do jumping jacks
etc. Do whatever you like to do to get blood pumping to your limbs in preparation for the super human
feats of strength you are about to display to the world.

Your main goal is just to get some blood flowing through your limbs before you go all out with your
main sets. You’ll be able to do way more reps when you’re warmed up compared to starting cold. It’s
also much safer since your body is now prepared for intense movements with increased blood flow
protecting and lubricating your joints. You could jog to the park to find monkey bars as a warm up, or
ride your bike to a nice spot in nature to work out.

STAY ACTIVE
Your whole life should be a warm up. Try to keep moving throughout the day and never stay sedentary
for too long. The longer you sit, the more stagnant your blood and lymph fluids become. That’s a good
recipe for sucking at life and catching every disease from every stray raccoon you pet. Also, the longer
you sit down, the more you will compress your spine and resemble the hunchback of Notre Dame.
You’ll be 4 feet tall by the time you’re 140 years old. Pay attention to your posture during the day. Are
you reading this book with a hunched over back and neck? Correct it right now!

Try to keep a straight back at all times, slouching is not only extremely unhealthy, it’s also rather
unattractive. Today’s younger generation spend so much time looking at their smartphones, they all

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seem to have hunchbacks. It’s not very inspiring to look at. That’s why I’m a huge fan of standing desks;
they allow you to keep your back straight while you work on the computer. Consider getting one or
even a treadmill desk.

Appreciate your magnificent body, and take good care of it. Move often throughout the day, take the
stairs instead of the elevator, bike to get your groceries and then really go for it with the monkey
workouts. This is the best way to exercise for longevity in my opinion. Slow steady movements
throughout the day, and short bursts of intense strength based exercises to build a healthy strong
physique and ensure your bones won’t break next time you high five your friend.

Chapter 10: Before We Get Started

These exercises should be performed slowly and in perfect control. 1 second up, 1 second hold, 2
seconds down. Master your form, and don’t cheat yourself. You want disciplined slow reps with perfect
form to build real Monkey Strength. If you start kipping your legs up during pull ups to get that last rep,
you are only cheating yourself. You are using momentum, not building strength. Some of the later
stages are very difficult to perform slowly, so it is permissible to explode up a little faster. Just
remember, doing a movement slowly is much harder and builds more strength. Exploding up during an
exercise, while having some benefits, builds more power instead of strength.

POWER VS STRENGTH
What’s the difference between power and strength? Power = strength x speed. Pushing a man to the
ground is a display of power. It’s an explosive burst of energy and it’s performed very quickly, but
cannot be sustained for long. Grabbing that same man and forcing him slowly to the ground to lick your
shoe is a display of strength. You’re so mean, how could you? You can tailor this program to build
strength, power or both. You may want to be more powerful and capable of strong short bursts for
certain sports. If so, you would do the exercises explosively and as fast as you can while maintaining
perfect form. If you want that elusive monkey strength that allows you to rip phone books in half
however, doing your movements slowly under control will be better for you.

In general, I recommend you do the movements slow for at least the Donkey Bitch dimension. Get used
to the movements and perfect your form. We want strict perfect reps every time. 10 solid slow reps in
control will beat out 30 fast sissy reps any day. You don’t want to be bending your body in awkward
ways to finish sad looking donkey reps just to hit your rep goal. It’s not about the numbers, it’s about
challenging yourself.

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DEVELOPING DISCIPLINE
This program will test your mind. You may be super close to becoming a warlord of a particular
dimension you’ve been stuck in for weeks, and you will be tempted to weasel your way up to hit that
final number so you can move onto the next dimension. Remember, doing this will only cheat you out
of your hard earned Monkey Strength. Half assed donkey reps will make the later stages seem
impossible, because you haven’t built up true strength. Do the exercises slow and in control. Stay
disciplined, and you won’t fall apart in the Mountain Hawk dimension.

LIFE HACK CONFIRMED

Now to contradict myself. An interesting way to approach these exercises is as follows. Since it’s much
easier to do the movements faster, you’ll be able to do more reps than you would have had you done
the movements slower. You can use this to your advantage. Say you make it to the 5th dimension of
handstand push ups, and you can only do 1 rep slowly with perfect form. That’s not much of a workout
is it? If you do the movements and a little faster, still with perfect form, you’ll be able to squeeze out a
few more reps to at least get some work in.

So you may want to try something like this: Advance through a dimension by doing the movements
fairly quickly. Always concentrate on doing your reps with perfect form; these are not sloppy reps just
because they are done quickly. Once you beat the warlord stage of that dimension doing the
movements at a fast pace, start doing the movements slowly and you’ll be amazed at how many less
reps you can do. These are the real reps. They’re much harder, so you’re not a real warlord until you’ve
conquered the dimension using slow reps, in perfect control. I promise you, if you just do the reps fast
and move onto the next dimension, it will catch up with you eventually and you’ll realize you’re not as
strong as you thought you were. Doing the movements slow is almost like a hidden boss stage. You
thought you passed the dimension, but realized there’s an extra difficulty setting with much harder
movements, and way more rewards. Claim your gold young monkey, do them slow.

Personally, I like to switch things up. Sometimes I do the movements super slow, other times I like to
explode up and build those fast twitch muscle fibers. It’s good to do both from time to time. Or to get
the best of both worlds, explode up for the positive movement, and then slowly lower yourself back
down for the negative. That builds a great mix of both strength and power.

Alright enough talking, let’s get to the exercises!

Chapter 11: Pull Ups

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Pull ups are one of the harder Monkey Strength movements. You are pulling up your entire body weight
with muscles you probably haven’t used in years. Don’t worry I’ll bring you along slowly and build you
up properly so you have bullet proof joints waiting for you in the higher dimensions. Don’t even
attempt a full pull up until you reach that dimension you eager monkey!

Welcome to the first exercise!

1. STANDING PULL UPS

Apprentice: 2 sets of 25 reps.

Warlord: 3 sets of 40 reps.

Do as many reps as you can. If this is your first time doing this exercise, and you manage to get 3 sets of
40 reps right away, congratulations. You are now a Donkey Bitch Warlord of the 1 st Dimension! If you
made it to that 40th rep on your 3rd set with very little struggle, you can move onto the next dimension.
If you ended up squeezing out that last rep barely staving off a heart attack, stay in this dimension until
it becomes easier for you. Do this for all exercises.

To get started, go for a walk outside and find a pole. Any vertical pole or object will do. I used my
doorframe when I was too lazy to leave my monkey house. You will be pulling yourself towards the
object. This exercise has very little resistance, so this is a perfect starting movement to condition your
joints, and get you used to the pulling movements.

If an exercise is ever too difficult to do the way I’m describing it, either reduce the range of motion, or
alter the angle to make the movement easier. There are levels of difficulty to every movement. You can
stand further away from the pole until there is almost no resistance, or you can stand with your toes
nearly touching the pole for maximum leverage and increased difficulty.

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Starting Position: Stand a few inches away from the pole or object. The closer your feet are to the
object, the harder the exercise will be. Start 3-6 inches away and find your groove. We all have
different length arms and legs, and strange quirks so try to roughly mimic my form, but you may need
to alter things slightly to find your comfort zone.

Stand straight in front of the pole and grasp it comfortably with your hands. Wear gloves if you want to,
I do. I’m a lover not a fighter. I like having smooth hands, ain’t nobody got time for blisters. Slowly lean
back while holding the pole until your arms are fully stretched out, this should take roughly 1 or 2
seconds. It’s a slow steady movement. Pause in this position for 1 second, and then slowly pull yourself
back towards the pole until you are standing straight again. The closer you pull yourself to the wall the
better. Consider letting your forehead gently touch the pole, just don’t smash your nose and get blood
everywhere. This is 1 rep.

It may seem easy, but milk this stage for all it has. It’s a very low resistance, high rep exercise to help
build your tendons and joints in preparation for the harder movements to come. It may seem like it’s
too easy and isn’t doing a lot for your muscles, but trust me, it’s doing a lot for your tendons, and your
joints will thank you later.

Can’t Do It? Phone your mom, and ask her if she still has your baby bottle so you can suckle it to
comfort yourself.

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 2. AUSTRALIAN PULL UPS
Apprentice: 2 sets of 15 reps.

Warlord: 3 sets of 30 reps.

Now things start to get difficult. You are now increasing the leverage by pulling yourself up towards an
object like a table, or a really short pull up bar designed for tiny elf children. This is much harder than
pulling yourself towards a vertical object, because you have increased the leverage and therefore
increased the amount of weight you are pulling. You will really feel this in your hands, forearms and
back. You might possess the strength in your back right now to complete the warlord stage, but I almost
guarantee you that your grip strength is what will give out before that. By the time you complete this
step, you will have the grip strength of an eagle.

The higher the object you choose to hang from, the easier this exercise will be. This can actually be
quite the challenge just finding the perfect object to hang from. Look around your house, look around
your neighbourhood, you will find something.

Let’s assume you found a tall sturdy table. Don’t use some old rickety table built in 1956 that will snap
and injure you and your family while they are eating dinner. Wait for them to be finished dinner before
you do this.

Starting Position: Grab the table or pole with your hands roughly shoulder width apart, and then
walk your legs forward underneath the table. Depending on how high your table is, you will be
anywhere from a 30 to 70 degree angle from the ground. Lower yourself down until your arms are
straight. Pull yourself up slowly until your chest touches the edge of the table, or get as close to that as
possible, hold there for 1 second, and then slowly lower yourself back down to the starting position.

Consider starting with a high table or bar and become a warlord in this dimension. Then find a lower
table to increase the difficulty before you move onto the next stage. Ideally, when you are hanging your

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back should be just a few inches off the ground for maximum leverage. That is the hardest this
movement will get.

Can’t Do It? Adjust the angle of your misshapen body so there is less flubber to lift.

3. 1 ARM STANDING PULL UPS

Apprentice: 2 sets of 25 reps.

Warlord: 3 sets of 50 reps.

Look at you, already doing 1 arm pull ups. 1 limbed movements are how you build true strength with
calisthenics. You’re only in the 3rd dimension so I’m not going to make this too difficult for you. This is
the same basic movement as the regular standing pull up, but you are only going to use 1 of your
donkey arms to pull yourself towards the pole. Your other arm rests behind your back patiently waiting
for its time to shine.

This exercise will improve your grip strength further, and also start to incorporate more of your core.
You will be surprised at all the different muscles that come into play. You will be using muscles you
never knew existed. When I started doing the 1 arm push ups for example, I was shocked at how much
effort it took to stabilize my body with my abs and sides. My arms weren’t even that sore the next day,
it was my sides that were really feeling it.

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Starting Position: Find a pole or any vertical object you can get a good grip on. Always start with
your weak arm first. Never do more reps with your strong arm than you do with your weak one, that
way you will balance out. With your feet a few inches away from the object, slowly lean back until your
arm is straight, pause for a second, then slowly pull yourself back to the starting position. As with the
standing pull ups, the closer you stand to the object, the harder this exercise will be.

Can’t Do It? Pray to Britney Spears and ask her to send you strength.

4. L UPS
Apprentice: 2 sets of 12 reps.

Warlord: 3 sets of 20 reps.

You’ll need a pull up bar, and a chair or any object that allows you to rest your donkey legs on while you
hang from the bar. Your body will be in an L shape with your arms hanging straight down vertically from
the bar, and your legs out in front of you resting on a chair. This will take some weight off so you aren’t
pulling up your entire body weight.

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Starting Position: Grab the bar with both hands about shoulder width apart, and put your feet up
on the chair so your body makes an L shape. From this hanging position, pull yourself up slowly until
your chin passes the bar, pause for a second, and then slowly lower yourself down until your arms are
straight again. Don’t fully lock out your arms; you always want to keep a little bit of tension in your
shoulders so you don’t rip them out of their sockets.

This exercise will continue to build your grip strength, and start to strengthen your back and biceps in
preparation for the next dimension.

Can’t Do It? Take off the pink spandex outfit you were wearing, that may have been weighing you
down.

5. BABY PULL UPS

Apprentice: 2 sets of 10 reps.

Warlord: 2 sets of 15 reps.

First of all, congratulations on becoming a Power Squirrel! No longer are you a measly Donkey Bitch.
You’re finally ready to pull your entire body weight up off the flat earth, and this will start to build some
serious strength in those squirrel arms of yours. How excited are you?

This is the first half movement. It’s a baby movement, and I want to stress something important. Every
exercise in Monkey Strength will have you completing your full range of motion, except these half baby
movements. Full range of motion exercises require a level of flexibility and strength that you might not

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have yet, and these half movements are a great way to prepare your body for the full movement. They
still build the muscles required for the full movement, but they are easier.

You still want to get your body used to going through the full range of motion though, so I suggest you
complete an extra set of the exercise in the previous dimension at the end of your workout. So warm up
first, do your 2 sets of baby pull ups, and then do 1 set of L ups. Boom. Strength and flexibility gains.
Do this whenever you see a half movement like the baby push up or the baby flamingo squat.

I was pretty shocked at how much harder this move was compared to the L ups, even though we are
only using half the range of motion. That’s because you are now lifting your entire body weight, and
depending on how much flubber you have in your belly, this could be a real task. The hardest part of a
pull up is that bottom position though, and your joints aren’t ready for it yet. This exercise will build the
strength you need for the full pull up. So milk this step for all you can.

Starting Position: You have 2 options. You want to start from the top position of this movement,
where your chin is above the bar. You can either jump up there using the momentum of your legs, or
get a chair or something to lift yourself up there. You want to avoid pulling yourself up from a complete
dead hang. That move is in the next dimension, so don’t get over zealous now! Get yourself up to the
top somehow with your hands roughly shoulder width apart using an overhand grip. Slowly lower
yourself down half way until your biceps and forearms form a 90 degree angle, pause briefly, and pull

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yourself back up until your chin is over the bar and hold for 1 second. Avoid the urge to kip your legs up.
This creates momentum and makes the exercise easier cheating you of your Monkey Strength. Slowly
lift yourself up to the top using your inner Power Squirrel belief system. Don’t cheat yourself.

Can’t Do It? Consider not eating entire birthday cakes for dinner, and try to lose some weight.
There’s only so much you can ask of your puny squirrel arms at this point.

6. PULL UPS
Apprentice: 2 sets of 8 reps.

Warlord: 2 sets of 12 reps.

Welcome to the real pull up. You are now pulling your entire body weight over the bar from a dead
hang. This is no easy task. Let’s not kid ourselves thinking it’s only the 6 th dimension, this is a serious
feat of strength that the majority of people on the planet can’t do. Be very proud if you can even do 1
strict rep. Most people need to use a lot of momentum from their legs to accomplish this move, but
that’s not a real display of strength. It’s closer to a cunning magic trick full of distractions and lies. You
must be very strong to slowly raise yourself from a dead hang over the bar without using momentum
from your legs.

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Starting Position: Grab the pull up bar with an overhand grip with your hands roughly shoulder
width apart. Calm any swinging motion by controlling your body with your core, tighten everything up.
Keep your shoulders in slight tension, and never fully relax in the bottom position. Always keep your
shoulders flexed a bit to keep them from straightening out completely, which puts too much pressure
on your shoulder joints. Slowly pull yourself up until your chin is over the bar, pause for a second, and
then slowly lower yourself back down to the bottom position.

It’s not easy, and many people cry themselves to sleep after failing to execute this move. But stick with
it. If you have to use a little momentum from your legs to get started, then do it. But warlords in this
dimension use no momentum. If you are really struggling to do 1 rep, try using some resistance bands.
This will allow you to practise the full range of motion, but with less weight. That or work on the
negative form of the movement. Jump up to the top position of this exercise, and just try to slowly
lower yourself down to the bottom position under full control. Then jump back up to the top for the
next rep. Believe in yourself, you will be able to do this one day. Just think of how proud your cat will
be!

Can’t Do It? Search YouTube for “Baby pull ups”, watch the baby doing pull ups, and hang your head
in shame for 10 reps.

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 7. ARCHER NEGATIVES
Apprentice: 2 sets of 6 reps.

Warlord: 2 sets of 10 reps.

This exercise is basically a regular pull up, only you will be sliding to one side after you make it over the
bar. This will accomplish 2 things for you. It will increase the amount of time you spend above the bar,
which will increase your back and lat strength; and it will supercharge your arms because you will be
lowering yourself down using mostly 1 arm instead of 2. Consider this a pull up with a 1 arm negative.

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Starting Position: Find a pull up bar and grab it with an overhand grip about shoulder width apart
or slightly wider. Complete a regular pull up. When your chin reaches above the bar, slowly slide your
body to one side until your chin is directly over one of your hands instead of in the middle. Keep your
chin above the bar during this entire slide. Now very slowly lower yourself down to the bottom position
using mostly the strength from the one arm you are leaning towards. This will create much more
tension on that arm. Try to use as little help as possible from the other arm, even loosening your grip a
little. Try to go as slow as possible on the way down. Consider a 3 second pace from top to bottom.
The longer it takes, the stronger you’ll get. In the bottom position you will naturally re center yourself.
Now pull yourself back up to the top, and repeat the process only slide yourself over to the opposite
hand, and lower yourself down on that side.

This exercise increases the time under tension massively from the previous dimension. This will really
prepare you for the 1 arm pull up. Always do an even number of reps on this exercise, so both arms get
worked evenly.

Can’t Do It? Go find a hornet’s nest and provoke the leader. When he stings you, use the venom as
a short term burst of energy to propel you over the bar.

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 8. 1 ARM AUSTRALIAN PULL UPS
Apprentice: 2 sets of 6 reps.

Warlord: 2 sets of 10 reps.

Congratulations on becoming a Mountain Hawk! Will you fly to Australia to eat kangaroos now? Mmm
kangaroo pouch slime.

You’ve done a similar exercise to this way back in the 2nd dimension, only now you will be using just one
arm to pull your bad ass self up towards the bar.

Starting Position: Find a horizontal bar about chest height or lower. Grab the bar with both hands,
and walk your feet forward and hang from the bar with your arms straight. Now let go of the bar with
one hand and place that hand behind your back. Slowly pull yourself towards the bar with your one
mighty arm, leaning into the bar with the opposite shoulder. Pause for a second here, and then slowly
lower yourself back down.

The lower the bar is to the ground, the harder this will be. If you have the option in a park somewhere
with multiple height bars, start with the higher one first and become a warlord in this dimension, and
then move down to the lower bar. Ultimately, your back should be just a few inches off the ground
when your arm is fully extended hanging from the bar.

Can’t Do It? Increase your intake of plant based protein powder. Use your furious farts to propel
you up off the ground.

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 9. TOWEL UPS
Apprentice: 2 sets of 6 reps.

Warlord: 2 sets of 10 reps.

Now we need some serious equipment. You’re going to have to scour your city for a towel. I know they
are hard to find, so if you can’t find one go to a Laundromat and find an old defenceless granny to
overpower. You should have the strength by now to pull the towel from her grip.

You will use this towel wrapped around a bar, so one hand will be on the bar with the other hand
grabbing the towel. This will concentrate the weight of your body onto the hand gripping the bar, and
help you progress towards the 1 arm pull up.

Starting Position: Find a pull up bar or horizontal tree branch and throw a towel over the bar. You
can start off by gripping the towel very close to the bar to make things easier. Once you become a
warlord in this dimension, lower your hand further down the towel to make things harder. The goal is to

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have your hand low enough on the towel so by the time you get over half way to the top, it can barely
help anymore with the movement and you are basically doing a half 1 arm pull up in the top position.

Grab the towel with your strong hand, and leap up and grab the bar with an underhand grip with your
other hand. From a hanging position, pull yourself up to the top slowly until your chin is above the bar,
pause for a second, and then slowly lower yourself back down until the arm gripping the bar is almost
straight like a regular pull up. Never lock your arms out completely or you’ll rip your arm off. Then how
will you overpower grannies in the Laundromat?

Can’t Do It? Give the towel back to the granny in the Laundromat. Apologize, and offer to make her
tea and crumpets as you watch wheel of fortune together.

10. SPIDER MONKEY PULL UPS

Apprentice: 2 sets of 4 reps.

Warlord: 2 sets of 8 reps.

Welcome to holy shit town. To the naked eye, you’ll look like a superhero while doing these. People
won’t even care that you are only doing half the range of motion. You are still pulling your entire
bodyweight up over the bar for the first time with 1 arm, so don’t be surprised if thunder just starts
erupting as you get over the bar. It is a glorious time, and the gods are celebrating your achievements.
Seriously, congratulations if you can even get 1 rep of these bad boys, you are truly a Mountain Hawk if
you can. In fact you should consider catching a wolf with your bare talons and drinking its blood to
celebrate. Or just high five the first person you see if you don’t want to drink the wolf blood.

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Starting Position: Find a pull up bar, and jump into a regular chin up with an underhand grip so
your palms are facing towards you. Pull yourself up to the top with both hands so your chin is over the
bar. Now let go with your strong hand, and slowly lower yourself down half way until your arm is at a 90
degree angle. Now pull your Mountain Hawk ass back up to the top until your chin is over the bar again.
Pause for a second here, and try to repeat.

This move takes tremendous grip strength, the forearms of a lumberjack, and the biceps of a
professional arm wrestling orangutan to achieve, but I believe in you. Seriously celebrate after achieving
this badge of honour. Most people on the planet couldn’t do this in a lucid dream let alone reality. Be
careful though, people might actually be blinded by the light beaming out of your body if they get too
close to you after accomplishing this otherworldly feat of strength, so have some sunglasses ready to
pass around if you are doing this in front of a crowd.

If you can’t get to the halfway position, try a quarter of the way. Heck, try just a few inches and keep
trying to get lower and lower, eventually you’ll get there.

Can’t Do It? Get a blood test to find out if you have baby arm syndrome. If it comes back positive,
buy some athletic sleeves to hide them while out in public.

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 11. THUNDER MONKEY PULL UPS
Apprentice: 2 sets of 4 reps.

Warlord: 2 sets of 10 reps.

Congratulations! You have officially become a Thunder Monkey! You are now allowed to wear your
Thunder Monkey shirt out in public instead of fantasizing about it in the mirror in your mom’s living
room. Not many humans can do a 1 arm pull up. You will be in elite company should you shock the
world and pull this off.

You will be pulling your entire bodyweight up into the air using 1 arm. You will be utilizing your full
range of motion as well. It doesn’t get harder than this. You may want to drink some coffee before this
one, and have someone slap you in the face a couple times for good measure.

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Starting Position: Same as the half 1 arm pull up, find a pull up bar and grab it with both hands
using an underhand grip, and pull yourself up to the top until your chin is above the bar in a classic chin
up position. Now let go with your strong hand, and slowly lower yourself down until your arm is almost
straight. Don’t fully lock it out. Now use your herculean might to lift yourself back up to the top until
your chin is over the bar again. Pause for a second here as your life flashes before your eyes, and
repeat.

Do whatever you want with your free arm. Some like to have it tucked behind their back, others like to
have it out to the side for balance. Grab your crotch with it for all I care, just don’t use it to help your
monkey ass up to the top. If you need to use a bit of momentum from your legs to get going in this
dimension, that’s fine. Kip up a little bit, but eventually your goal should be to do these with straight
legs using no momentum.

Can’t Do It? Ask Arnold Schwarzenegger if he will pee on you. The hormones might help.

NOW WHAT?
Congratulations, you’ve done it! A Thunder Monkey pull up! You’re so strong right now. Do you really
need to be stronger than that? Just keep working on these for awhile. Do them slower and slower to
make them harder. If for some reason you feel like you need a harder challenge, get a weighted vest or
some ankle weights. The ankle weights might even make you taller by stretching your monkey body
out. In my opinion, adding weights to a one arm pull up is kind of crazy. You don’t want to bulk up and
be unable to fit through doors now do you? Doing the entire Monkey Strength program with no added
weight will build the perfect looking physique; you don’t really need to go beyond it with added
weights. But if you absolutely have to, start slow. Put a couple coins in your pocket and go from there.

If you do get a weighted vest, start with the least amount of extra weight possible, and start back at the
Power Squirrel dimension. Progress back up to the Thunder Monkey dimension with your 10 pound
vest, then add 2.5 to 5lbs and repeat the process.

We’ll see, maybe a Gorilla Strength book will have to be written to take us beyond our inner monkey to
find our spirit gorilla. Until then, keep on doing these 1 arm pull ups, preferably in a public place so
people can bow down to your greatness and build statues of you.

Chapter 12: Bridges

Bridges are one of the most important exercises you can do. If you have any back pain, progressing
through this exercise series is the best way to heal it completely. Whether your pain is from old injuries,
or your spine has slowly degraded over time and started to curve downwards due to the ever increasing

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amount of time you spend posting pictures of your cat on facebook; bridges will gently stretch your
spine back into its original position. Bridges will correct your posture, eliminate back pain, likely make
you taller, and give you a renewed sense of confidence! Sad people slouch, confident people stand tall.

I used to suffer from back pain, mainly because I sat at the computer so much. I thought I had some
serious disk degeneration at one point, and within a few weeks of doing bridges the pain started to
leave my body. We hunch over too much. Whether we are looking down at our phones or laptops, or
even reading a book, it seems like everything we do is in the hunched over position. You better not be
hunching right now! It’s very important to rebalance yourself out, and the best way to do that is to
slouch in the opposite direction.

Doing bridges will not only correct your posture, but it will bring a new found mindfulness to your
everyday body positions. You’ll find yourself wanting to straighten out your spine when sitting at the
computer, and really noticing it when you are slouching like a jackass. These exercises are super
important to help rebuild the very foundation from which your entire body operates from; your spine.

Think of bridges as more of a flexibility movement, rather than a strength based one. Even though they
will build some serious strength in your back, shoulders, triceps and core; I want you to use bridges as a
way to open up your back and increase your dexterity. Focus mainly on stretching out as far as you can
with every rep. That way you’ll be ready for the exorcist like flexibility that the later dimensions require.

1. SHOULDER BRIDGES
Apprentice: 2 sets of 30 reps.

Warlord: 3 sets of 50 reps.

This may be more action than your back has seen in years! It’s pretty easy to do, but this will begin your
journey to stretching out your spine, and possibly even growing an inch or more in height.

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Starting Position: If this exercise puts too much pressure on your shoulders, because your bony
body is stabbing into your wooden floor, you may use a yoga matt. Get one made of natural material
though, those plastic/rubber looking ones will off gas poisons into your brain.

Lay flat on your back with your feet flat on the floor a few inches away from your bum. Can I say that on
tv? Feet should be roughly shoulder width apart. Place your arms on your chest so they aren’t
supporting any weight or helping with the movement. Now thrust your hips up into the air until only
your feet, shoulders and head are touching the floor. Go as high as you can without breaking your body
in half. Exhale on the way up, hold the position for a second, and then inhale as you slowly lower
yourself back to the ground.

Can’t Do It? Go to a massage parlour and have a tiny woman walk on your back to loosen up the
years of laziness you have accrued.

2. BAMBOO BRIDGES
Apprentice: 2 sets of 25 reps.

Warlord: 3 sets of 40 reps.

Now you have to use some actual arm strength. Don’t be surprised if you can’t do this. On my first
attempt, I was pretty sure this was an impossible feat for the human body, but as I practised it, I
stretched out further and further each week and was able to do it comfortably. Stretch out as far as you
can, and focus on loosening up those shoulders. If you find this easy, how dare you laugh at my poor
shoulder mobility!

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Starting Position: Sit on the floor with your legs straight out in front of you. Your spine is straight,
and your body is in an L shape. Your hands are on the floor with your fingers pointing towards your
toes. Now transfer the weight of your body to your hands as you thrust your hips upwards slowly until
your body is in a straight line and you are looking up at flat earth Santa (or the ceiling). Your arms should
be standing straight up, like bamboo. See what I did there? Hold for a second, and then slowly lower
yourself back into the seated position. Don’t you dare rest!

Can’t Do It? Have your cat perform cat claw acupuncture on your shoulder blades to loosen up
your shoulder chakras.

3. BURNT BRIDGES
Apprentice: 2 sets of 20 reps.

Warlord: 3 sets of 30 reps.

You will need a raised surface like a table or a bed around knee to waist height to rest your hands on.
What? You don’t have a knee height table? You loser. So un-Japanese-like of you. You’ll find
something. Usually, you don’t want to burn your bridges in life, but you will be happy to set this one
ablaze when you’re done.

Starting Position: Lie down with just your head and shoulders on your bed or surface of choice,
with the rest of your body hanging off the edge and your feet flat on the floor. Place your hands behind
you flat on the bed so your fingers are point towards your toes. It’s a little awkward, and if you’re not
very flexible go back to the bamboo bridges and improve that wrist and shoulder mobility you lazy
panda. Raise yourself up into the air by pushing off with your legs and your hands so your back comes

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completely off the bed. Go as high as you can, pause for a second, and then slowly lower yourself back
down until your shoulders are touching the bed again.

These actually worked my thighs more than anything. They were burning like the fires of Christmas
past. Probably because my bed was too high and I was a loser with no knee high table. Having your
hands higher than your feet makes this exercise easier than a full bridge though, so do persist. It will
become easier over time.

Can’t Do It? Fly to Japan where they have shorter tables. They eat dinner kneeling on the ground
over there, so ask a family if they don’t mind you living with them until you complete this exercise.

4. BRAIN BRIDGES
Apprentice: 2 sets of 15 reps.

Warlord: 2 sets of 25 reps.

Now it’s time to use your head. Not for imaginative thought, meditation or creating the life you desire,
but to balance your body on. Actually your head should never really touch the ground, it will just serve
as a warning signal that you have gone low enough in your rep and can push yourself back up now.

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Starting Position: Lie down on the floor with your feet tucked in towards your beautiful bum. Have
a folded towel underneath your head. Place your hands flat on the floor beside your head so your
fingers are pointing back towards your toes about shoulder width apart. Same as the burnt bridge only
there is no Japanese dinner table, and no family to annoy. Push yourself up slowly as far as you can.
Your back is now arching like a dome. Try to straighten your arms as much as possible, pause for a
second at the top, and then lower yourself down until your head gently touches the towel.

These are actually pretty tiring, because you are under constant tension and never really get to rest. But
this exercise will build great stamina and flexibility! Now you are really starting to stretch that spine!

Can’t Do It? Put a helmet on. In fact keep it on for the rest of your life. You can never be too safe.

5. HALFLING BRIDGES
Apprentice: 2 sets of 12 reps.

Warlord: 2 sets of 20 reps.

Wow look at you, you’re a Power Squirrel! How proud are you right now? You’re ready for the halfling
bridge! This is similar to the Brain Bridge, only you are increasing your range of motion even further,
which requires slightly more strength and flexibility.

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Starting Position: Lie down flat on the floor with a soccer ball by your side. Raise your hips up
while sliding the ball under the small of your back. Place your hands on the floor with your fingers
pointing towards your toes, and slowly raise yourself up as far as you can until your arms are as straight
as possible, hold for a second, and then lower yourself down until your back gently touches the ball.
Rinse and repeat.

Can’t Do It? Try using a cat or small alligator underneath you instead of the ball. That might
motivate you more.

6. BRIDGES
Apprentice: 2 sets of 10 reps.

Warlord: 2 sets of 15 reps.

This exercise is not much harder than the halfling bridge, in fact it’s much easier to get into because you
don’t have that awkward ball to lay on. This is the full bridge, and while it’s only the 6 th dimension, I

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suggest you keep this one in your arsenal as you progress through the later stages. I like to throw in a
set of these at the end of my bridge workouts no matter what dimension I’m in. They act as health
insurance for your spine. Sometimes I do them for reps, other times I just hold myself in the top
position and stretch up as far as I can for 20 seconds or so to increase my flexibility even further.

Starting Position: Lie down flat on the ground with your feet tucked near your glutious maximus.
Put your hands flat on the floor beside your head so your fingers are pointing towards your toes. I keep
mine about shoulder width apart, but play around with your position and angle to find the most
comfortable position for you. Slowly push your hips up into the air with your legs and arms until you
reach your maximum height, pause for a second, and then slowly lower yourself back down until your
back is on the floor again.

When I first tried these, my range of motion was so limited; I looked like a frog in handcuffs trying to eat
a muffin with his feet. It was embarrassing. My arms could barely extend, and only my lower back
would bend slightly. As you keep doing these, your arms will straighten out further, and your upper
back will curve in a glorious arch. Then you will truly know spinal integrity. As you get more advanced,
you can move your feet and hands closer and closer together and form a truly impressive arch that
reaches high into the mountains.

Can’t Do It? Get a Lego set and build a colourful bridge to look at as you cry yourself to sleep.

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 7. DESCENDING BRIDGES
Apprentice: 2 sets of 5 reps.

Warlord: 2 sets of 10 reps.

Now it’s time to test your iron spine out and take it for a spin. These really do feel like a full body
workout. I can’t think of a muscle that isn’t used in this exercise. Maybe your tongue. You are going to
be reaching backwards and walking down a wall with your hands, much like Spiderman did in the movie
The Princess Bride.

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Starting Position: Find a wall, stand a few feet in front of it with your back facing the wall. Not too
far, you are going to be bending backwards and walking down this wall with your hands, so get close
enough so you can reach it. Slowly bend backwards and reach for the wall with your hands, allowing
your palms to press gently against the wall with your fingers pointed down towards the ground, and
your head upside down looking at the wall. Slowly walk yourself down the wall, inching down one hand
at a time and breathing steadily. As you get more advanced you can take bigger “steps”. You may feel
the need to adjust your feet during this movement to get further away from the wall as you get closer
towards the bottom position. This is fine; just do so mindfully and carefully.

When you reach the bottom, it’s actually nice if you have a baseboard, something sturdy to grab onto
but it’s not necessary. Now gently, and with control, slowly place one hand on the floor with your
fingers pointing towards your toes like a regular bridge. No jerking motions do it as smoothly as
possible. Then bring the other hand down to the floor as well. Now you’re in the top position of the
regular bridge. Stretch up as high as you can, and then lower yourself down to the ground, and stand up
back up.

I was actually super proud of myself for completing my first rep of this exercise. The scariest part is
reaching for the wall. Once you are there, you can trust your strength and flexibility to walk yourself
down the wall. If you don’t feel you are able to do it safely, keep working on the regular bridges until
you are stronger and more agile in this area. It won’t be long before you are walking down walls,
looking like Neo did when he was dogging bullets in the movie Bridesmaids.

Be mindful of your sweaty hands and feet as you do this exercise. It’s more strenuous than it looks, and
when you start sweating, it can really compromise your grip on the wall. Your feet on the floor may
start to slip as well. Consider wearing gloves if this is a problem for you, and maybe wear shoes or use a
yoga matt with a good grip.

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Can’t Do It? Cover your walls in mirrors so you can hold hands with your twin doing this exercise in
the mirror dimension. You two can walk down the wall together. Don’t actually do this, mirrors are
slippery and you will both likely hurt each other.

8. ASCENDING BRIDGES
Apprentice: 2 sets of 4 reps.

Warlord: 2 sets of 8 reps.

Congratulations on becoming a Mountain Hawk! The mountain is your home now. Go establish your
dominance over this land, and become the fair yet ruthless leader this world needs of you right now.

This exercise is basically the same as descending bridges, only instead of quitting at the bottom like a
hopeless romantic; you will persevere and walk yourself back up the wall. This exercise not only
stretches out your spine, but also really works your core on the way up. It’s a full body movement, and
you will be glad there are only 8 reps in the warlord stage.

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Starting Position: Stand a few feet away from a wall with your back to the wall. Find your perfect
distance and then slowly lean back and reach out for the wall with your hands. With your palms on the
wall and your fingers pointing down towards the floor, ask yourself “what the heck am I doing with my
life?”, and then proceed to walk your way down the wall until your hands are on the floor and you are
in the full bridge position. From here, stretch up as high as you can, and then reach out to the wall very
slowly with one hand. No sudden movements here, or you can twist your spine uncomfortably. Now
reach out to the wall with your other hand, and slowly walk yourself back up the wall, adjusting your
feet as needed. Gently and slowly push off the wall as you get near the top until you are standing up
straight again. Holy crap.

This is an amazing exercise that will really get you sweating. Make sure you haven’t eaten anything in
the past few hours, because you may get nauseous. You should be fasted anyways, remember?! Be
careful not to make any sudden movements as you transition from the wall to the floor, or the floor
back to the wall. That is the hardest part of the exercise. With control, balance on one hand and find
the wall with your other hand slowly and carefully. It can feel awkward at first, but you’ll get used to it.
When pushing off the wall in the top position, try not to do it too quick or it will be uncomfortable for
your lower back. Do it slowly and in control. Moving your feet closer to the wall will make this easier.

Can’t Do It? Watch the movie The Conjuring. It’s much scarier than walking down a wall backwards
you scaredy cat.

9. FREE FALL SAFETY BRIDGES

Apprentice: 2 sets of 3 reps.

Warlord: 2 sets of 6 reps.

I’m not gonna lie to you, these are terrifying. You know that trust exercise where you fall back with your
eyes closed and your friends catch you? This is similar, only your friends are watching tv in the other
room so you better figure out a way to survive on your own.

I spent months hiding in the ascending bridge dimension trying to avoid these. They are scary because
you no longer have the safety net of the wall to help guide you down. They actually aren’t that hard,
and I’ll go easy on you for now. Instead of asking you to lower yourself all the way to the floor and risk
decapitating yourself, you can use a raised platform to safely land on.

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Starting Position: Find a raised platform like a bed, a waist high table, your couch, or even a steep
grassy hill. The goal is to bend backwards until your hand fall gently on the surface of the object you
chose. You will land softly in a full bridge pose. There is a slight chance you won’t have the flexibility to
do this gracefully enough and will come crashing down onto your object, so make it a soft one to start
off with. I suggest using a couch, and try to land with your hands on the high back instead of the seat
cushions.

Standing about a foot away from your couch, with the couch behind you like you are about to sit down;
start leaning backwards. Bend your knees and try to look back at the couch as your head turns upside
down. Now reach straight behind you for the top of the couch. This is much easier than landing on the
seat cushion to start off with because it requires less flexibility.

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Don’t fall into position, control yourself slowly to get there, and gently place your hands on top of the
couch so that your fingers are pointing down towards the floor. Now walk yourself down a bit until your
hands are on the seat cushions and you are in a full bridge position. Flex up as high as you can, and then
figure a way out of this mess. Hopefully your cat didn’t jump under you at this inopportune time. Just
slowly lower yourself down until your back touches the couch cushions, and then stand back up and
repeat the exercise.

If these are still too terrifying for you, just spend more time on the ascending bridges like I did, and focus
on improving the flexibility of your upper spine. Do the exercise really slowly, and stretch back as far as
you can in each position to build a Gumby back. Eventually you will loosen up and be able to free fall to
your platform of choice without slamming your head into the ground. Since your head is storing all the
useful information you’ve learned up to this point, try to avoid that.

When you are ready to increase the difficulty of this exercise, try landing softly on the seat cushions
instead of the back. Since the surface is lower, it will require more flexibility. Start with something high,
and work your way down to a firm mattress on the floor before moving onto the next dimension.

Can’t Do It? Ask a large man to support your lower back as you descend to the ground. He will make
you feel safe, but try not to fall in love with him.

10. FREE FALL BRIDGES

Apprentice: 2 sets of 3 reps.

Warlord: 2 sets of 6 reps.

Call your mom, let her know you love her. The free fall bridge will likely be the last exercise you attempt
in your short time on this earth, but in the unlikely scenario in which you survive this task, you will have
mastered your inner fears, and built one of the stronger and more flexible spines this world has ever
known.

These are similar to the free fall safety bridges, only there’s nothing safe about them. You are removing
the one object that was keeping you alive. You are going to slowly bend backwards until you reach the
floor in the full bridge position. The first time is always the scariest, but once you do it once, you will
start to build those neural pathways in the brain and it will become easier and easier. It’s actually not
that hard if you have the upper spine flexibility required to bend backwards all the way to the floor
under full control. Without that super flexibility these will seem impossible.

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Starting Position: Stand on the floor, with no objects behind you. Feel free to do this outside on
the grass or even on your bed as an added safety measure. Slowly start to bend backwards like the free
fall safety bridges, bending your knees as you get lower. Straighten your arms out behind you as you
slowly lower yourself backwards down towards the ground. Your head should be upside down looking
at the floor as you place your hands gently on the ground with your fingers pointing towards your toes.
Stretch up as high as you can here in the full bridge position, and then lower yourself to the ground until
your back touches the floor. Stand back up and try it again.

This exercise is more mental than anything, but you should be used to this movement by now with the
free fall safety bridges. Do consider having a friend support your back as you do this movement, just to
build confidence and develop that muscle memory further until you are 100% confident you can do this
on your own. Just remember, you are in control the whole way down, you are never falling and landing
on your hands. You are always gently placing them down, so there is no actual falling or danger. It’s just
easier said than done because of the flexibility required.

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Can’t Do It? Find a local pool, and try this move underwater. The children’s pee should help thin the
blood and increase flexibility.

11. LUMBERBACK BRIDGES

Apprentice: 2 sets of 6 reps.

Warlord: 2 sets of 15 reps.

Congratulations you Thunder Monkey you. You made it! The ultimate test in back flexibility and
strength. If you somehow pull off this move, you truly do possess a Thunder Monkey spine forged by
the Thunder Gods. We are going to slowly lower ourselves into a full bridge from the standing position,
and then defy gravity and stand back up again! It doesn’t seem like it’s even possible, but it is, and
when you master this step, you are basically bullet proofing your back against any future pain.

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Starting Position: Slowly arch yourself back like you did on the free fall bridges. Consider doing
this on the grass your first time just to be safe, but you’ve already accomplished the scariest part in the
previous exercise, so you should be good to go. When your hands gently touch the earth, stretch up as
high as you can to get a good stretch in, and then use a little rocking motion to shift your weight from
your hands towards your feet, and use the momentum of the swing to spring off with your hands and
stand back up again.

This is a pretty popular yoga move. Are you going to let a hippy yogi with elephant pants show you up
while they drink their chai tea in a full lotus pose? No, you’re not. So psyche yourself up somehow, defy
physics and do this move!

Can’t Do It? Buy some elephant pants. Use the embarrassingly revealing nature of these pants as
motivation to get yourself out of the crotch in the air pose to a more respectable standing position.

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NOW WHAT?
Once you’ve become a Thunder Monkey Warlord in this dimension, you will have the strongest most
flexible spine in all the land. You really don’t need to move beyond this final move and become a body
contortionist do you? You planning on joining a circus or something? Continue doing the lumberback
bridges, and throw in some regular bridges and bridge holds at the end of your workout to further
stretch out that spine and improve your strength.

One way to make these harder would be to bring your legs and hands closer to each other in the bottom
position. The closer your feet are to your hands, the harder this move is. It requires way more
flexibility. Inch those feet back further and further towards your hands for the ultimate stretch. You
might even be able to cross them so your feet go slightly behind your hands. Good luck getting out of
that position.

Another way to move past these would be to stand on a raised platform, and then lower yourself down
so your hands are lower than your feet. That would be a truly impressive move. I don’t even know if it’s
physically possible to do, so don’t take my word for it. If you want to increase your strength in this
movement though, consider adding wrist weights. These will make standing back up a little harder, and
will increase your core strength massively.

I suppose you could push off with your feet into a full handstand as well, you show off. I’d just stick
with the regular move though; it’s an impressive party trick and will build all the spinal integrity you will
ever need.

Chapter 13: Handstand Push Ups

Are you ready to grow the thickest hair you’ve ever had in your life? How about increasing your brain
power by 1 million percent giving you the ability to read your own mind? It’s time to flip upside down
my friend. There are so many benefits to this handstand push up series that go beyond muscular
growth. It’s not just about building super cyborg shoulders to impress your cat; there are actually a lot
of benefits to spending time upside down.

We spend the majority of our lives upright, and it’s no wonder our skin starts to sag in our later years.
We are fighting against gravity our entire lives (or density for you flat earthers). Wouldn’t it make sense
to flip upside down as often as possible so gravity can pull your skin the other way and balance things
out? That’s just common hippy sense.

Standing upside down also increases circulation to your head. This will help with hair growth, mental
function, acne, eye sight and any issue you can think of relating to the head area. When you’ve built up
enough strength, consider doing handstands against the wall every day, just long enough to get blood

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flowing to your brain. The more often you can do it the better, so consider throwing it into your daily
routine, as often as possible.

It’s also just really fun to be upside down.

1. EINSTEIN HEADSTANDS
Apprentice: 1 minute.

Warlord: 2 minutes.
Einstein headstands are the first step on your road to doing 1 arm handstand push ups. You have to
build the shoulders and triceps up slowly in order to handle the full weight of your body, so we start
with the easiest possible way to be upside down. By resting on your giant Einstein head.

Starting Position: Get a towel and place it on the ground next to a wall. Make sure you have no
pictures of your family on the wall; you don’t want to kick your grandma in the face. Also be sure there
is plenty of space behind you to land. You will be supporting your entire bodyweight partly split
between your head and your arms. Put your hands down on each side of the towel a little wider than

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shoulder width apart, and get into a sprinter’s stance. Get a timer, or use a timer app on your
smartphone so you can see how long you are going. This is a timed exercise; you aren’t doing reps you
are just holding yourself in position for as long as you can.

With your head resting on the towel, and your hands supporting you, start the timer and then kick
yourself up with your dominant leg or whichever feels comfortable. When you feel the wall with both
feet that is when your countdown begins. If you position your smartphone just right, you will be able to
see the time as you go to motivate or terrorize you. You could also film yourself and use your video as a
timer. Play around with the positioning of your hands to get the most comfortable support. I found this
was really working my triceps a lot until I adjusted my hands a bit to find a more balanced position.

The goal is to hold there for 2 minutes. Set your timer for 2:05 to allow you 5 seconds to get into the
headstand, and then try to hold on for dear life until you hear that alarm go off.

Can’t Do It? Watch more flat earth videos to convince yourself that gravity doesn’t exist, and maybe
you’ll feel lighter.

2. FLAMINGO STANDS
Apprentice: 30 seconds.

Warlord: 1 minute.
Now you will be supporting your entire bodyweight with your arms. Some might call you a superhero.
This exercise is all about balance; it really is an art of finding the perfect angle. This will really develop
your wrist strength and use a bunch of stabilizing muscles you’ve probably never used before.

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Starting Position: Kneel down on the floor with your hands on the ground about shoulder width
apart. Get up on your feet and place your knees outside your arms and have your thighs resting on your
elbows as you slowly lean forward and lift your legs off the ground. Your thighs are balancing on your
elbows and you are holding your feet off the air trying not to fall forward. You might even want to have
a pillow in front of you just in case you do lean too far forward. You should be able to stop yourself in
time by dropping your legs down and catching yourself. Why do I make these exercises sound so
dangerous? You’re like 3 inches off the ground.

Have your smartphone timer in front of you. Since your goal is 1 minute, have a timer set for 1:05. Start
the countdown, and then get into position. All you have to do now is hold yourself up there while
waiting for that sweet alarm of satisfaction.

Can’t Do It? Go bird watching instead. See if you can find a flock of flamingos and ask them how
they do it.

3. HANDSTANDS
Apprentice: 1 minute.

Warlord: 2 minutes.
Now you are ready for an actual handstand against a wall. Some people struggle to get the 2 minutes
required to become a warlord in this dimension, others laugh their way to 2 minutes scratching their
bellies as they show zero signs of struggle. My first attempt at this, I got 1 minute. It took me 15 weeks
to get to 2 minutes. I found it very difficult! When I finally got to 2 minutes, I actually felt so proud that
I challenged some of my YouTube friends to attempt this super human display of strength. As if they

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could even come close I thought. I received video after video of people who barely worked out, getting
2 minutes like it was nothing to them. They all did it on their first attempt, and they could have gone
longer but they got bored of being so strong. They were all likely taking steroids or were descendants of
Olympians.

Starting Position: Find a wall, and place your hands about shoulder width apart or wider, maybe 6
inches or so from the wall. Start your timer at 2:05, and kick yourself up to the wall until both feet touch
the wall and you are facing away from it. Continue breathing normally, and hold yourself up there as
long as you can. If you are struggling with this exercise, try changing your hand position so your weight
is stacked evenly above your arms, which should be locked into position. If your elbows are bent, you
are forced to use your triceps more, and I believe that’s why I struggled so much with this exercise. But
now I have the triceps of a unicorn, so it’s all good.

Can’t Do It? Put a bunch of ice cubes in your pockets before you start. The cold melting ice water
should cool you down and refocus you as it trickles down your face.

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 4. Baby HANDSTAND PUSH UPS
Apprentice: 2 sets of 10 reps.

Warlord: 2 sets of 20 reps.

Now you have shoulders of steel. You should be capable of pushing your body off the ground from a
handstand position. Your cat will be so impressed. We are only going to go halfway down though.
Doing a full handstand push up will be too stressful on your elbows; you need to build your tendon
strength first. Remember, the shorter the range of motion, the easier the exercise. Your goal is to go
halfway down, but if you can’t do it, just go as far as you can. Even if it’s just 1 inch, keep doing that for
reps and you will build the strength to go lower. You can do this with any exercise. If you can’t do the
full range of motion, do a half range. If you can’t do half, do a quarter. You will still be building
strength, and you’ll be able to complete the full range of motion in no time. Just stick with it and you’ll
get there!

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Starting Position: You want to be traveling half the distance from your head to the floor. If your
head is 10 inches off the ground in a full handstand, go down 5 inches, and then push yourself back up
to the top position. Get a small object that stands about halfway from the floor to your head to serve as
a measuring stick so you know you are going the same exact distance each rep. You can use the amazon
delivery box that your pink spandex jumpsuit came in.

Place your hands about shoulder width apart or wider, about 6 inches or so from the wall with the box
between your hands. Kick yourself up into a handstand, and then slowly lower yourself down until your
head touches the box, pause for a second, and then slowly push yourself back up to the top. Your
elbows should angle out slightly as you do this movement, about 45 degrees or so. Find the most
comfortable position. If you feel any shoulder pain, you don’t have the right angle. When done right,
these baby handstand push ups will strengthen your shoulders and triceps in the safest way possible.

Can’t Do It? Take your clothes off. That extra pound and a half of cotton was likely the reason you
couldn’t do it.

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 5. HANDSTAND PUSH UPS
Apprentice: 2 sets of 10 reps.

Warlord: 2 sets of 15 reps.

Congratulations on becoming a Power Squirrel! May you have great success foraging for nuts in the
forest. Now you are ready to do a real handstand push up, all the way to the ground with that noggin of
yours.

Starting Position: Get a towel to place on the floor between your hands for your head to gently
touch in the bottom position of this movement. It’s not an absolute requirement, but it’s safer, and it
will feel better gently touching a towel with your head than it would your solid unforgiving floor.
Approach the wall in a sprinter’s stance with your hands roughly shoulder width apart. You can have
them a little wider if it’s more comfortable for you. When you are ready, kick off with one leg and get

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yourself into a handstand position with your feet resting against the wall. Slowly let yourself down until
your head gently touches the towel, pause for a second and then exhale as you push yourself back up
to the top position.

It’s not out of this world harder than the half handstand push up, but you will definitely notice your
triceps being engaged more.

Can’t Do It? Cover your body in mayonnaise. I can’t guarantee it will help, but it could.

6. ILLUMINATI INITIATE HANDSTAND PUSH UPS

Apprentice: 2 sets of 8 reps.

Warlord: 2 sets of 15 reps.

These are the handstand push ups “they” don’t want you to know about! A secret passed down from
the oldest reptilian overlords in the hollow earth. Whenever you form a diamond symbol with your
hands, you are signalling to your reptilian forefathers that all is well.

Similar to the illuminati push ups (chapter 16) you are going to bring your hands together to form a
diamond shape with your pointer fingers and thumbs almost touching. This is going to work your triceps
a lot more, and will build elbows that could throw a baseball to Pluto.

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Starting Position: Grab a soccer ball, and get into a sprinter’s stance with your hands close
together with the ball resting in the diamond between your hands. Your pointer fingers and thumbs
from each hand should almost be touching. I don’t like when they touch it gets uncomfortable,
especially if you haven’t cut your nails in awhile. So keep on top of that grooming you hippy. The ball is
optional, but since this is a half movement, it is nice to have something to smack your head into to
signal that you are going the same distance down each rep. Consider using a regular sized soccer ball to
start off with, and then when you become a warlord in this dimension, switch to a smaller ball or object.
Then become a warlord again at that height, and keep going lower and lower each week until you are
almost touching your hands with your head in the bottom position. That will help prepare you for the
full illuminati handstand push ups in the next dimension which are extremely difficult. The difference
between the half movement and a 3 quarters one is tremendous, so take things slow.

With the ball between your hands, kick up into a handstand position with your feet resting against the
wall. Now slowly lower yourself down until your head gently touches the ball, pause for a second, and
then slowly push yourself back up to the top position.

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If you are struggling with this one, place your hands slightly farther apart instead of touching. The closer
they are, the harder it is on your triceps, so start with your hands a few inches apart and work your way
towards getting them closer and closer.

Can’t Do It? Train butterflies to grab your socks and fly you up to the top position of each rep. It’s an
expensive, but practical solution.

7. ILLUMINATI HANDSTAND PUSH UPS

Apprentice: 2 sets of 8 reps.

Warlord: 2 sets of 12 reps.

Now you are ready for the full illuminati handstand push ups. Before, you were just a low ranking
initiate privy to very little secret information. Now you are a high ranking member and you will be
shown the mysteries of the universe.

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Starting Position: Get into a sprinter’s stance with your hands almost touching. They should be
forming a diamond shape signalling to your reptilian overlord ancestors that you are ready. Kick
yourself up into a handstand position with your feet resting against the wall. Now slowly lower yourself
down to the ground while inhaling. When your head gently touches the top of your hands, pause for a
second, and then slowly push yourself back up to the top position. I place a towel over my hands just to
have a softer surface for my head to touch. It also gives me an ever so slightly shorter distance to the
bottom position which makes it an easier movement. Eventually you can remove the towel and go the
extra inch to your hands.

These really build those elbow tendons up nice, so be sure to milk the last stage for everything you can
by going lower and lower before moving onto this dimension.

Can’t Do It? Activate your reptilian super strength by performing the ritual in chapter 9 of the secret
handbook that mysteriously appeared under your bed last night.

8. LEBRON HANDSTAND PUSH UPS

Apprentice: 2 sets of 6 reps.

Warlord: 2 sets of 10 reps.

Congratulations on becoming a Mountain Hawk! May you soar free my friend. Don’t poo on anyone.
You will be testing every bit of that hawk strength with this one. You are going to be using a basketball
in one hand, similar to the Lebron push ups (chapter 16). It can be a little tricky to even get into the
starting position, but I believe in you.

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Starting Position: Grab a basketball and a towel, and go find a wall. I probably should have used
an actual basketball for the Lebron move, but I was too lazy and cheap to buy another ball. Face the
wall in a sprinter’s stance with the ball close to the hand you will be balancing it on. The towel is
between your hands ready for your head to gently touch it in the bottom position. Kick up into a
handstand with your feet resting against the wall. Now, somehow lift one of your hands off the ground
while balancing on the other, and find that basketball to rest it on while avoiding crashing down into
your glass coffee table and shattering your pelvis. You will have to lean to one side a bit to keep your
balance on the one hand while you search for the ball with your other.

Once you’ve made it to this position with your hand on the ball, and you have overcome your panic
attack; position the ball so your hands are roughly shoulder width apart. Now just like the regular
handstand push up, slowly lower yourself down until your head gently touches the towel, pause for a
second, and then slowly push yourself back up into the top position. If you can’t get all the way to the
ground on your first attempt, just go as low as you can, and keep trying to go lower and lower as you get
stronger.

This will work the one hand on the ground much harder, but the one on the ball will be forced to
stabilize more so it really is a tough workout for both arms. This will develop your shoulders and triceps
like crazy. That coupled with the fact that your workload will double now, since each set must be done
with both arms, you will be building some serious strength with these. But you can handle it, you’re a
Mountain Hawk!

Can’t Do It? Use a watermelon instead of a basketball. It will crack under the pressure of your
weight, but you can use this to your advantage by licking up the juice in the bottom position to fuel you
back up to the top.

9. BABY HERCULES HANDSTAND PUSH UPS

Apprentice: 2 sets of 4 reps.

Warlord: 2 sets of 8 reps.

You’re going to have to summon some of your hunter gatherer ancestor strength for this one. You will
be basically pushing your entire bodyweight off the ground with one arm. It’s only a half movement, but
it’s still extremely challenging. Baby Hercules can do it, so you should be able to do it too. That is
assuming you’ve milked the previous dimension for every bit of hawk milk you could. This exercise
requires a lot of strength, but also balance. It may be tough to find that initial sweet spot on the wall,
but you’ll get into a groove with more practice.

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Starting Position: Get into a sprinter’s stance facing a wall, and kick up into a handstand. Consider
having a box or ball between your hands, similar to the half handstand push ups to measure distance
traveled accurately. Slowly lean to one side and shift your weight to one arm as you re center yourself.
Hold your other arm out to the side for balance. Now slowly lower yourself down until your head gently
touches the ball, hold for a second as your life flashes before your eyes, then Hercules your way back up
to the top.

Can’t Do It? Buy an aloe plant and water it once a week. It will be motivating to see this plant grow
big and strong unlike your flabby plateaued body which has all but given up at the thought of
completing this exercise.

10. STARGAZER HANDSTAND PUSH UPS

Apprentice: 2 sets of 4 reps.

Warlord: 2 sets of 6 reps.

Welcome to the stargazer. In the bottom position of this exercise, it will look like you are pointing
towards your favourite star in the sky, wishing you were anywhere else but here doing this brutal
exercise. You will essentially be doing a 1 arm handstand push up using your full range of motion, with
just slight assistance from your stargazing arm. Somewhat similar to the anchor push ups (chapter 16)
only without the ball.

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Starting Position: Consider using a towel or even a cotton glove on your supporting hand to help it
slide across the floor easier. Also get a second towel for your head to gently touch in the bottom
position. Face the wall in a sprinter’s stance and kick up into a handstand. Slowly shift most of your
weight to one hand, and turn the other hand over so the back of your hand is on the first towel. Now
stretch that overturned hand out in front of you away from the wall as far as you can reach.

From here, slowly lower yourself down as your overturned hand slides forward away from the wall. It
won’t be able to help much, so your other hand will be doing the majority of the work, but use your
overturned hand as support. Look at it more as a guide instead of doing much heavy lifting. When your
head gently touches the towel, pause for a second, and then slowly push yourself back up to the top
position as your support hand slides back towards your body.

There aren’t many human beings on the planet that can do this. If you struggle with it, you’re in good
company. Just keep working the lower stages if you can’t do this one yet. Try doing a half movement,
and working from there. Be patient. You won’t be beating this exercise in one week like you did on
some of the earlier exercises. Enjoy your time here and take things slow, it’s not a race. You have the
rest of your life to continue getting stronger. If it was too easy, it would be boring.

Can’t Do It? Get a Ouija board. Ask the spirits if you’ll ever be able to do this exercise. When they
say no and laugh at you, use their mockery as motivation to accomplish this seemingly inhuman display
of strength.

11. HERCULES HANDSTAND PUSH UPS

Apprentice: 2 sets of 4 reps.

Warlord: 2 sets of 10 reps.

Congratulations on finally becoming a Thunder Monkey! Now you’re swinging around in trees like you
own the place. Be humble young Thunder Monkey. Brag not about your newfound shoulders of steel
that could lift a truck into the air while you change a tire. Just change the tire and keep quiet.

This is the boss level in the handstand push up series. It doesn’t get harder than this, although I’ll give
you some ideas on how to take this exercise further in the unlikely event of this becoming too easy for
you. You will be pushing your entire bodyweight off the ground using your full range of motion with just
one arm. An impressive feat to say the least.

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Starting Position: Get a towel for your monkey head to gently touch in the bottom position. Get
into a sprinter’s stance and kick up into a handstand. Slowly lean to one side and shift your weight to 1
arm, finding your sweet spot with your other arm out to the side for balance. Slowly lower yourself
down until your head touches the towel, pause for a second if you can, and then push yourself back up
to the top position. I made it sound so easy didn’t I?

There’s a good chance you won’t be able to do this motion slowly, and you might even need to kip your
legs up a bit to build momentum. This is a serious amount of weight to press into the air with one arm,
so use all your monkey tools to get you up there.

Can’t Do It? Get a monkey suit, and wait for a thunder storm. When it comes, go out into the storm
holding a long metal rod to attract a lightning strike, because that’s about as close as you’ll ever get to
becoming a Thunder Monkey Warlord of this dimension.

NOW WHAT?
Need to make this exercise harder? It’s too easy for you? Do you have Bigfoot genetics or something?
There are a couple ways to make this harder. One would be to do the exercise slower with no kipping
of the legs. Another would be to put on some ankle weights to increase the amount of weight you are
pressing. But the coolest way to advance in this exercise would be to do the movement freestanding
with no wall for support. You should be practicing freestanding handstands throughout this whole
series just for fun. At the beginning or the end of your sets, try to hold yourself in the air with your feet
away from the wall. It takes a lot more stabilizer muscles to do this, and will really build up your wrist
strength.

Once you can hold yourself in a handstand position away from the wall for 30 seconds or so, start doing
regular handstand push ups with no wall for support. Then start to work your way back up the
dimensions freestanding. Work your way towards balancing yourself in the air on just 1 arm. Once you
can hold yourself there comfortably for 10 seconds or so without falling over, then and only then
should you consider trying a 1 arm handstand push up from that position. Start with a half movement,
and then progress to the full range of motion. But my god, if you can get to the point where you are
doing 1 arm handstand push ups freestanding without a wall, you will the baddest Thunder Monkey in
all the land!

Chapter 14: Leg Raises

Do you want abs of granite that were chiselled out of the fires of Helm’s Deep? Look no further than leg
raises! Sit ups are for weirdoes in the park wearing short shorts. They don’t use your full range of
motion, and they work fewer muscles than leg raises do. If you want a lame 6 pack with no supporting

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muscles, do sit ups. But if you want true core strength, an 8 pack capable of digesting dynamite,
obliques that could cut a watermelon in half, and groins of passion; do the best core work available to
human kind, leg raises.

There’s a reason they call it the core. It is the foundation of your entire body! It’s the glue that keeps
everything together. If you have super strong arms but a weak back and core, if you attempt to lift a
goat over your head, your body will crumble under the weight and the goat will laugh at you. It’s
because you lack the stabilization. Picture a tree with thick heavy branches and a tiny thin trunk. It
won’t last.

When I was a high rise window cleaner, I used to carry around a large bucket of water everywhere I
went. It wasn’t my arms that were sore the next day, it was my obliques! Those are the muscles on the
sides of your body. It took so much core strength to stabilize that bucket of water as I walked, and until
that point, I had never realized how important the entire mid section of the body was. It is the
foundation in which everything else is built. It’s the trunk of the tree. Neglect this part of the body, and
your strength will not be functional.

With leg raises, you will develop strong abs, sides and back, as well as strengthen your lower body. You
will develop a mystical groin strength which will come in handy during the new daring sexual positions
you find yourself in after being too afraid to attempt them before.

1. SITTING KNEE RAISES

Apprentice: 2 sets of 20 reps

Warlord: 3 sets of 40 reps

Like all other exercises in the Monkey Strength program, we start small and go for low resistance high
rep exercises. The reason we do this is to build the nervous system and tendon strength first, which will
allow you to do the harder movements in the higher dimensions without getting injured. The eventual
goal of this series is the karate master leg raise where you are hanging from a bar raising your legs up
into the air completely straight. An impressive display of core strength indeed, but slow down monkey!
Let’s start with something easier first.

The sitting knee raise is about as easy an exercise as you can do for your core, but it’s still pretty
challenging. Especially if the only core exercise you’ve been doing over the last month has been
sneezing as you vacuum your house. I actually felt this one in my groins the most. They may seem easy
at first, but when you get up around the 40 rep range, you’ll feel it.

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Starting Position: Grab a seat, either on a chair or the arm of your couch. Have your hands down
by your sides on the couch for added stabilization. Lean back a little bit and extend your legs out
straight so they are just a few inches off the ground. Now bring your knees up slowly towards your
chest, hold for a second, and then slowly lower them until your legs are straight again never letting
them touch the ground. Bring your knees up as high as you can for each rep, exhaling as you lift them
up, and inhaling as you lower them back down. In general, you always want to exhale during the
hardest part of the movement as it gives you extra mystical hippy strength.

Can’t Do It? Lie in bed and watch tv. Now slowly raise your knees up with your feet still on the bed.
Haha, you can’t see the tv anymore.

2. RESTING KNEE RAISES

Apprentice: 2 sets of 20 reps

Warlord: 3 sets of 35 reps

Now you get to lie down. See? Working out isn’t so hard. Now you are increasing the leverage, which is
the key to progressing in all calisthenics movements. You’ll be laying down flat on the ground, and now
your knees will be harder to lift. They will feel heavier. Damn you gravity!

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Starting Position: Lie down on the floor with your hands by your sides to stabilize your body. With
your legs perfectly straight, raise them up off the floor a couple inches. Now raise your knees up slowly
until they are straight in the air, and your shins are parallel with the floor. Pause for a second, and then
slowly lower them back down until your feet are just barely off the ground again. If your feet ever touch
the ground during this exercise, rinse your mouth out with soap.

Can’t Do It? Whenever you go for a walk outside, raise your knees up to your chest with each step so
people will know you are training for this exercise.

3. RESTING DONKEY LEG RAISES

Apprentice: 2 sets of 20 reps

Warlord: 3 sets of 30 reps

These are very similar to the Resting Knee Raises, only you are increasing the angle of your leg bend
similar to a donkey. You Donkey Bitch. With your feet slightly further away from your body, we
increase the leverage which makes this exercise more difficult. It’s all about that leverage.

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Starting Position: Lie down on the floor in the same position as the resting knee raises with your
hands by your side. Instead of a 90 degree bend at the knees, stretch it out to 135 degrees. Raise your
feet a few inches off the floor, and then slowly raise your legs until your knees are roughly straight in the
air. Pause for a second, and then slowly lower them back down until your feet are just barely above the
ground again. Don’t let them touch the ground. Pretend the ground is lava. Although your back will be
burning, don’t burn those feet!

Can’t Do It? Place your cat underneath your knees. The guilt of you potentially crushing him should
keep you motivated to keep proper form. Why do I always assume you have a cat?

4. RESTING CRICKET LEG RAISES

Apprentice: 2 sets of 15 reps

Warlord: 3 sets of 25 reps

These are similar to the resting donkey leg raises, in that the first part of the movement is identical, but
at the top of the exercise you will use your herculean might to straighten your legs out fully much like a
cricket would trying to escape a curious child.

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Starting Position: Lie down on the floor in the same position as the resting donkey leg raises with
your hands down by your side for support. With your legs at a 135 degree angle and your feet a few
inches off the floor, slowly raise your legs up maintaining that 135 degree bend. When you’re knees are
perpendicular to the floor, straighten your legs out completely. Now your back and legs are at a full 90
degree angle. Pause for a second, and then slowly lower your legs down fully straightened out. When
they get to an inch or two off the ground, pause for a second, and then re-establish your 135 degree leg
bend for the next rep.

This movement will prepare you for the resting goat leg raises by doing the negative for them. The
negative is the lowering movement, and the positive is the raising. If you are ever stuck doing any
movement, a good way to train the muscles is by doing the negative portion of that movement only.
For example if you can’t do a full pull up, jump up to the top position, and then slowly lower yourself
back down. This will use all the same muscles as the full pull up, just not as intensely. Negatives are a
great way to develop the strength needed for the full movement. The archer negatives are a good
example in chapter 11.

Can’t Do It? Dab some essential orange oil on your wrists. You’re not very strong, but at least you’ll
smell nice.

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e
 5. RESTING BABY GOAT LEG RAISES
Apprentice: 2 sets of 15 reps

Warlord: 3 sets of 20 reps

Congratulations on becoming a Power Squirrel! Impressive. We might even be able to see through your
belly flab now and witness your 6 pack emerging from its long slumber. You are going to keep your legs
straight throughout this whole exercise, much like a panicked goat. Have you ever seen a goat get
scared? They stiffen up and fall over. That’s pretty much how I get myself out of any sticky situation as
well. It’s bullet proof. This is a half movement only. Hence the baby goat. What you thought you were
an adult goat already? Be real.

Starting Position: Lie on the floor with your goat hands by your side for support and your legs on
the ground. Do the resting cricket leg raises to get your legs off the floor and straight up into the air so
they are perpendicular to the floor. Now slowly lower your legs down fully straight until they are about
half way to the floor, pause for a second, and then raise them back up to the top position keeping them
fully straight. You are avoiding the hardest part of the goat leg raise for now, which is the bottom
position of the movement.

Can’t Do It? Try doing this movement underwater. It will be much easier to lift your legs, although
you may experience slight breathing difficulties.

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e
 6. RESTING GOAT LEG RAISES
Apprentice: 2 sets of 10 reps

Warlord: 2 sets of 20 reps

The resting goat leg raises are the final exercise where I allow you to lie down. No more sleep exercising
for you!

Starting Position: Lie down on the floor with your hands by your side for support. Raise your legs a
few inches off the floor and keep them perfectly straight. Slowly raise your legs up fully extended until
they are perpendicular to the floor, pause for a second, and then slowly lower them back down until
they are a few inches off the floor. Rinse and repeat.

If you are struggling with this exercise, it is likely the flexibility you lack, not the strength. And you call
yourself a power squirrel?! I was struggling to get my legs up to that top position because my
hamstrings were stiffer than a praying mantis after a colonoscopy. Stretch out those hamstrings and
you’ll find these much easier.

Can’t Do It? Get a mirror on your ceiling. Now you’ll be able to identify the asshole who can’t even
lift his legs in the air while lying down. You know, for the police report.

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 7. SUSPENDED KNEE RAISES
Apprentice: 2 sets of 10 reps

Warlord: 2 sets of 20 reps

Now we are going to be hanging from a bar, just like you would when doing pull ups. In fact, if you can’t
hang from a bar, you might need to progress further in the pull up series before attempting these.
Some people will start to lose their grip before their abs give out. You are working against gravity much
more now due to the angle of the lift, so we will start back at the basic knee raise movement like we
did earlier in the series.

Starting Position: Grab onto a pull up bar with an overhand grip about shoulder width apart, and
keep your shoulders flexed a bit. Don’t hang loosely or your arms might fall off. It should be high
enough to where your feet are entirely off the ground when fully stretched out. Just one of the many
advantages of being short. Suck it tall people. Slowly raise your knees up until they are parallel with the
ground, your legs should have a 90 degree bend to them. Pause for a second, and then slowly lower
your legs down until they are straight again. Exhale on the upswing, inhale on the down.

I actually found these easier than the resting goat leg raises. They require less flexibility, but more
strength, and flexibility was my weakness. I spend too many hours sitting in a chair, and not enough
time outside prancing in the forest.

Can’t Do It? Go to a local kindergarten school, and ask if you can enrol in class there. Since you are
in the same developmental category as most kindergarteners, at least physically, they should let you in.

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 8. SUSPENDED DONKEY LEG RAISES
Apprentice: 2 sets of 10 reps

Warlord: 2 sets of 15 reps

Congratulations, you are now a Mountain Hawk! You eat Power Squirrels for breakfast. Unless you are
vegan of course. Hey you shouldn’t be eating breakfast anyways! You should be fasting until noon. Ok,
moving along. We are now going through the same progressions as we did on the ground, only we are
hanging from a bar. So we want to keep increasing the angle of our leg bend to make it harder and
harder.

Starting Position: Grab onto a pull up bar with an overhand grip about shoulder width apart, ever
so slightly flexing your shoulders to ease the tension on your shoulder joints. Bend your knees at about
a 135 degree angle like a donkey would when trying to attract a mate. Your feet should be going behind
you to start off. Slowly raise your legs maintaining that same angle until your knees are up over waist
height. Pause for a second at the top, and then slowly lower your legs back down to the starting
position.

Can’t Do It? Water your house plants. As they spring back to life, maybe it will motivate you to drink
some water yourself, and take your hydrated ass to the park and do this exercise.

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 9. SUSPENDED CRICKET LEG RAISES
Apprentice: 2 sets of 10 reps

Warlord: 2 sets of 15 reps

Crickets are kind of cute when they’re not jumping at you. This exercise is similar to the suspended
donkey leg raises you’ve just completed. You completed them right? You’re not reading ahead are
you?! Start off in the same position as the last exercise, but straighten your legs out in the top position.

Starting Position: Grab a pull up bar with an overhand grip, and hang helplessly in the air. Bend
your legs at a 135 degree angle so your feet are behind you slightly. Slowly raise your legs until your
knees are up over waist height. When you get there, straighten your legs out completely. Your body

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should be in a perfect L shape. They call this the L sit. Pause for a second, possibly the longest second
of your life, and then slowly lower your legs down keeping them straight all the way to the bottom
position. Then re-establish your 135 degree bend for the next rep.

Can’t Do It? Watch the movie Forrest Gump. Little Forrest was able to run away from mean
teenagers throwing rocks at him while his legs were in knee braces. So when attempting this exercise,
have someone throw rocks at you to give you the full cinematic experience.

10. SUSPENDED BABY GOAT LEG RAISES

Apprentice: 2 sets of 10 reps

Warlord: 2 sets of 15 reps

Now we are going to be really testing that hawk belly of yours by doing this movement with fully
straightened legs. We aren’t going to go through the full range of motion though, so take a sigh of
relief. The bottom range of this exercise is too difficult right now, don’t attempt it. You want to build up
your core and mighty groin strength first.

Starting Position: Grab a pull up bar with an overhand grip about shoulder width apart. Assume
the suspended cricket leg position with your shoulders slightly flexed. Bend your knees at a 135 degree
angle with your feet slightly behind you. Do the first half of the suspended cricket leg raise, and
straighten your legs at the top to get into an L sit. This doesn’t even count as part of your rep, how
much does that suck?

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So now that your body is in that L sit, slowly lower your legs down about half way to the ground. This is
actually the starting position. None of what you have done so far has even remotely contributed to your
rep numbers. Poor you. Now slowly raise your legs until they are roughly waist height or higher keeping
them perfectly straight. Pause for a second at the top, and then slowly lower them down until you
reach that half way point again.

These can feel awkward if you start swinging, so grip tight and keep your abs engaged. Control your
movements; don’t dance around like a monkey up there. If you can’t lower your legs down half way,
just go as low as you can, and increase your range of motion slowly over time.

Can’t Do It? Take your shoes off. Surely it was the .7 pounds of pleather holding you back.

11. KARATE MASTER LEG RAISES

Apprentice: 2 sets of 10 reps

Warlord: 2 sets of 20 reps

Wow, you’re a Thunder Monkey! You have stronger abs than most of the known creatures in the
Universe. You could crack open a coconut on your abs of steel, and you might want to after this
workout to rehydrate yourself. It’s all about those electrolytes.

Starting Position: Grab a pull up bar with an overhand grip about shoulder width apart. With your
shoulders slightly flexed the whole time, slowly lift your legs up until your feet are at waist height,
keeping your legs completely straight the whole time. Pause for a second at the top, and then slowly
lower them back down.

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If you ever find yourself cornered by thugs in an alley and you happen to spot a pull up bar close by, try
to lure them towards the bar. When they are close and about to attack you, grab the bar and complete
this exercises to take them all out one by one. As they walk towards you, kick each one of them in the
chest. They will either fall back or explode. Then go celebrate your victory.

Can’t Do It? Do an enema. The likely reason you can’t do this exercise is because you have too many
cheeseburgers in your colon, and squeezing them together in the top position is throwing your heart
chakra out of alignment with your spirit animal. So... fix that.

NOW WHAT?
This is the boss stage of the leg raise dimensions. In reality, once you get to 2 sets of 20 reps of karate
master leg raises, you won’t need stronger abs. I’m going to have to write another book to advance
beyond this series for those wanting to push the limits. But for now, if you want to make these even
harder, there are a few things you can do. Do the movements slower. It’s much harder to do these
really slow than it is to explode up, so if you are doing 20 explosive reps, try doing them super slow and
see how many you can do. I got 3 sets of 20 of these explosively, and then in my next workout I decided
to do them really slowly. I only got 13/10/9. You will build much more strength doing these exercises
slowly.

You could also try raising your feet higher than waist height. Have you ever see Lou Corona doing these
leg raises? His feet almost touch his head, and he’s 67 years old. So go higher which will loosen up your
hamstrings and entire backside more. Instead of wondering how you can get stronger in this exercise,
think of how you can become more flexible. Work your way towards folding yourself in half like a body
contortionist.

Once you’ve exhausted all options and really do want to get stronger abs, consider throwing on some
ankle weights. I’m a huge fan of pure calisthenics without using any weights, but some people want to
push beyond what is possible with just the body. In my opinion, you will start to build too much bulky
muscle, but suit yourself. Start off slow with the lowest weight possible, and start at the 7 th dimension
and work your way through the series again. Only add more weight after you can slowly do 3 sets of 20
reps of the karate master leg raises again. Then consider adding a tiny bit more weight and starting
over.

Take a baby step approach with the weights, just like we have with this whole book. Slowly make the
exercises harder, and allow the body time to adapt. Don’t be a hero and test yourself and see if you can
lift 50 pounds of weight with your legs. Slowly add weight to increase your tendon strength, and you
won’t injure yourself.

I myself haven’t felt the need to add weights, I love pure calisthenics and my core feels very strong. I
have strong visible abs, and any further development would be purely for aesthetic reasons, and that’s
not what motivates me. Besides, if you want better looking abs, lose more body fat. Go back to chapter

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2 about diet, and follow the advice there and you’ll get way more visually noticeable results than if you
were to add weights to your leg raises.

Getting strong and completing the stages in this book are what motivates me, and doing the exercises
super slow with full control and discipline is what I strive for now. Perfect your form first, and then ask
yourself if you want to move beyond that.

Chapter 15: Squats

Welcome to leg day. The most skipped day in all of workout land. I will admit it, when I first started
working out I completely avoided any leg exercises because they were boring to me. I just started doing
push ups and pull ups. I figured hey, I ride my bike to get groceries a few times a week, and I go for long
walks in the woods; my legs are Herculean in their abilities so I don’t need to do any specific leg
exercises. Boy was I a misguided donkey bitch, aimlessly wandering the earth. There are so many
benefits to having strong legs; in fact I would argue that they are the muscle group you will notice most
in your daily life once you start developing them.

Most people focus on the upper body, because it looks most impressive in photos. You really notice
somebody works out when they have a big chest and strapping vascular arms. People don’t usually look
down to the legs in awe. Men are walking around shirtless in jogging pants and you can’t even see their
legs, your gaze is drawn to their upper body. So unless you wear fluorescent short shorts all the time,
it’s hard to show off your goods. Plus, most men have hairy ass legs which can take away from the
magic. But truly strong muscular legs are very attractive in both men and women, and having strong
legs will make more of a difference in your life than any other muscle group.

WHY NOT SKIP LEG DAY?

Think about it, we walk on 2 legs. From standing to walking, jogging to sprinting, climbing stairs,
kneeling down to work on something; our legs come into play in our lives way more often than our
other muscles. I’ll never forget the summer I spent as a bicycle courier. Riding my bike around town for
8 hours a day, sprinting up steep hills to get packages to their destination on time, all the stop and starts
at red lights; by the end of the summer, my legs were Thor like. I would notice it in my ever day life.
Walking up a flight of stairs became noticeably easier. It was almost fun how effortlessly I would glide
up those stairs. There was no leg fatigue when I would ride my bike to get groceries, I could go for long
walks and never run out of energy. I felt more solid in my stance, because my base was stronger.
Having strong legs was making a noticeable difference in my life.

Our legs are our base. I remember before I started working out, I was 112 pounds of hopelessness. My
girlfriend would hug me, and I remember struggling to even keep my balance. It was like I had to put in

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extra effort to make sure I didn’t fall over. I felt weak. When I started taking my calisthenics training
more seriously, and I started doing squats and lunges, I noticed that when my girlfriend hugged me now,
I felt like I had a solid base to stand on. I could support her and feel her love course through my body, so
doing squats will not only give you a stronger base to stand on, they will let love into your heart without
sending you crashing down to the earth incapable of standing your own against your 100 pound partner.
Leg day is good times.

So in the Monkey Strength leg series, you will slowly work your way towards a 1 legged pistol squat
where you will lift your entire bodyweight off the ground with 1 leg. An impressive feat that most
professional cyclists and bodybuilders can’t accomplish. I challenged a bunch of cyclists to see if they
could do 20 pistol squats, and so far none of them have been able to do it. Most can’t even do 1 rep.
You would think cyclists would have some of the strongest legs out there, I know I felt like I did when I
was a bike courier. But cyclists and bodybuilders who squat with heavy weights never use their full
range of motion. They also lack the balance and coordination to do 1 legged squats. Most of them will
fall backwards if they attempt them. Their strength isn’t functional in all positions. What we do here is
build true functional strength using our entire range of motion, and there won’t be a situation out there
that you can’t handle.

Balance and flexibility are just as important as strength. That’s what the Monkey Strength program is all
about, acquiring full control over our bodies and developing dexterity and strength in all positions. Leg
strength is a huge part of that, so let’s get into the exercises!

1. AIR SQUATS
Apprentice: 2 sets of 30 reps

Warlord: 3 sets of 50 reps

I will admit it. These squats are weird, and something you’ve probably never done in your life, but this
is the easiest squat possible because you are lifting zero weight. You are lifting air. If you can’t lift air,
you should re-examine your whole life. This exercise is actually a play on the shoulder stand yoga pose
which has many proclaimed health benefits like improving thyroid health, digestion, releasing lymphatic
blockages in your neck and back and other hippy shit like that. We are going to use this pose to slowly
build your leg strength, and loosen up those knees and hips in preparation for real bodyweight squats.

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Starting Position: Lie down on your back, either on a yoga mat or your bed if it’s firm enough. Your
arms should be tight next to your body. I want you to slowly tuck your feet in towards your bum, and
then push off with one leg to propel the other one up into the air as you push down with your hands for
support. With both legs pointing straight up towards the ceiling, your back is lifting off the bed as you
anchor yourself with your elbows. Reach up and support your back with your hands so just your head,
neck, shoulders and elbows are touching the floor.

Just getting into this position can be a challenge for some people. You probably don’t lack the strength,
but your flexibility might not be up to par. Just get yourself as straight as possible, this is the starting
position.

Now slowly bring your knees down to the abdomen as far as you can reach, pause for a second, and
then slowly push them back up until your body is straight again. Congratulations, you can now lift air.
This will get you used to the squat movement without putting any weight on your joints.

Can’t Do It? Make a video of yourself trying to get into the shoulder stand pose. As the folds of your
body mush together in a pool of embarrassment, remind yourself that potato chips are not a food
group, and then try to complete this exercise.

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 2. PLATFORM SQUATS
Apprentice: 2 sets of 25 reps

Warlord: 3 sets of 40 reps

Now you will actually be standing on the ground and squatting yourself up off the earth; with the help of
a little table of course. You’ll have to find a knee height stool, or table. Find something to support part
of your bodyweight so you don’t have to squat your lumpy body off the ground in its entirety.

Starting Position: Stand in front of your knee height table with your legs straight and your feet
about shoulder width apart angled out slightly. Bend forward so your legs and back are in an L shape,
and your arms are flat with your hands on the table. With your arms supporting some of your weight,
slowly squat down until your hamstrings touch your calves. This is the full range of motion in a real
squat; your butt is almost touching the floor. I see old ladies here in Thailand resting in this position, so
you have no excuse! It’s a very restful pose when you are flexible enough to do it. So go as low as you
can, pause for a second, and then slowly stand back up using both your arms and your legs until you
reach the starting position again.

Can’t Do It? Imagine a miniature pony encouraging you do it. That should help.

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 3. TABLE SQUATS
Apprentice: 2 sets of 20 reps

Warlord: 3 sets of 30 reps

This is similar to the platform squats, only the table is higher, and the finishing position has you standing
up straight instead of bent at the waist like a jackass. This will add slightly more weight to your squat,
and strengthen your knees for the upcoming dimension where you are no longer supporting any of your
body weight with your arms.

Starting Position: Stand in front of a table that is about waist height with your feet roughly
shoulder width apart. Place your hands on the table and slowly lower yourself down until your
hamstrings touch your calves while holding onto the table for support. Pause for a second, and then use
both your legs and arms to stand up until you are completely straight again with your hands still on the
table.

You are training your lower body to do the full squat movement, just with some weight taken off thanks
to your mighty arms. Your knees will thank you later when you are lifting your entire body weight with
one leg!

Can’t Do It? Go for long walks in nature as often as you can. This will build leg strength. Just try not
to get eaten by a bear.

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 4. BODYBUILDER SQUATS
Apprentice: 2 sets of 30 reps

Warlord: 2 sets of 50 reps

These are what bodybuilders think a squat looks like. It’s cute. If you go to any gym and set your gaze
towards the squat rack, you’ll see a freakish being with ungodly amounts of weight digging into their
shoulder blades (doesn’t that look comfortable?) and they’ll be squatting that weight for reps. They
only go half way down though. They would probably snap their knees in half if they went all the way
down to the bottom position, because they haven’t trained their joint strength like you are doing. You’ll
be dancing in the street when you’re 170 with no knee pain if you become a Thunder Monkey Warlord
in this series.

This is the first unsupported squat where you are lifting your entire bodyweight off the ground, but you
will only go half way down. You’ve been very gentle on your knees so far, building strong tendons that
can handle your entire bodyweight, and now it’s time to test them out in the safest way possible, by
using only half your range of motion. This will build the strength needed to progress to the real squats.

Starting Position: Stand up straight with your feet roughly shoulder width apart. Your toes will
probably angle outwards a bit; just find your most comfortable position. I usually have my hands down
by my sides, and then as I squat down I bring them out in front of me for balance. Slowly lower yourself
down until your thighs are parallel with the floor, pause for a second, and then slowly stand up again.
Try to keep your back straight. I’m still working on this myself. You want to avoid having your spine
curve forward as you squat down. Film yourself from the side, and try to keep your back from rounding
out. In the very bottom position, your lower back will round out slightly, but try to keep it as straight as
possible until then. This requires great flexibility in your hips, so stretch out those hips!

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You should be able to tell roughly when your legs are parallel with the floor, if not, do this exercise next
to a mirror, or film yourself. I find making videos of myself working out to be very helpful, because I can
analyze the footage after and look for mistakes. I can’t tell you how many times I thought I was doing an
exercise perfectly, but after reviewing the video footage, I realized that I looked like a 90 year old man
with a spinal disorder struggling to escape a pool filled with invisible sharks.

Can’t Do It? Ask one of the bodybuilders in the gym to carry you home, since your legs are of no use
to you anymore.

5. SQUATS
Apprentice: 2 sets of 15 reps

Warlord: 2 sets of 30 reps

Congratulations on becoming a Power Squirrel! You can now start traveling through tree branches
instead of using the sidewalk. You are now going to use your full range of motion like we were designed
to do by our creator, Santa Claus. Our legs can bend all the way down until our hamstrings are touching
our calves, and they do so for a reason. It’s actually a very comfortable resting position. Some people
even fall asleep in it, but most of us aren’t flexible enough to stay upright in that pose. Try it yourself; if
you find that you have to lift your heels off the ground in order to stay in the seated squat comfortably,
then you need to work on your ankle and hip flexibility. These exercises will help with that, but don’t
forget to stretch as well. You should stretch out after each workout. Try to become as flexible as
possible with every joint in your body!

Doing these full range of motion squats gives us functional strength that allows us to have a solid base
to operate in when we need to work on things close to the ground. They are very helpful for activities
such as gardening, washing your bathtub, or hiding in your cupboards when playing hide and seek
with your neighbours. What, you don’t do that? You loser.

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Starting Position: Stand up straight with your feet roughly shoulder width apart, toes angled out
slightly, and your hands by your side. Slowly lower yourself down until your hamstrings touch your
thighs. Go as low as you can. Remember if you can’t go all the way, go as far as you can and you will
build the strength to go further and further down each week. Pause at the bottom for a second, and
then slowly stand back up again with your hands out in front of you for balance.

Most people feel like they are falling back slightly with these squats. It’s because they have poor
mobility in their ankles, knees and hips. Holding your hands fully stretched out in front of you helps to
counter balance that backwards lean and keeps you upright. When you are truly flexible, you should be
able to do these with your arms close to your chest.

Can’t Do It? Come to Thailand so you can see all the 90 year old women in full squats gardening,
then ask yourself why you let your body become so inflexible and lumpy?

6. NARROW SQUATS
Apprentice: 2 sets of 10 reps

Warlord: 2 sets of 20 reps

This squat is similar to the last one, only your feet are closer together. This will help challenge your
balance more, and start to put you into a similar position for the pistol squat. Don’t you dare get
distracted by the Thai girl who walked into my photo shoot. You pay attention to me not her!

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Starting Position: Stand up straight with your heels almost touching, and your toes angled out
slightly. With your hands by your side, slowly squat down until your hamstrings touch your calves
moving your arms out in front of you for balance. Pause for a second at the bottom, and then slowly
stand back up.

If you’ve been diligent in doing your movements slow, you should be able to do this exercise without
falling backwards in the bottom position. If it’s still too awkward, try having your heels raised slightly
above your toes with your back to a grassy hill. Once you’ve completed the warlord stage like that, try
them again on flat ground.

Can’t Do It? Train birds to stand on your arms to act as counterweights so you don’t fall backwards.
You’ll need 8 birds.

7. BABY FLAMINGO SQUATS

Apprentice: 2 sets of 10 reps

Warlord: 2 sets of 20 reps

Have you ever seen a majestic baby flamingo balancing on just one leg out in its natural habitat? Me
neither. Still, this is an important and fun exercise. It’s your first 1 legged squat! In baby flamingo
squats, you’ll be leaning forward as you squat down on 1 leg. The later stages of the 1 legged squats
have you leaning backwards, and are much more challenging on your balance. Baby flamingo squats are
a very important step to help build up the necessary strength for the pistol squat, while not challenging
your balance too hard. These also work your bum more than a pistol squat does. Who doesn’t want a
nicer looking bum? Think of all the chairs that will be impressed as you sit on them.

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Starting Position: Stand up straight with your feet close together and your hands by your side.
Slowly lift one leg off the floor, and bend it behind you as you squat down with your other leg. Both
hands are out in front of you for balance, and you are leaning forward with your body. Squat down until
your knee from the other leg is roughly half way to the floor, pause for a second, and then slowly stand
back up, keeping the other leg tucked behind you the whole time.

Tell me you don’t feel those in your bum the next day!

Can’t Do It? Since this is only a half movement, and you still can’t do it, for your next meal I want
you to bring the food only half way to your mouth.

8. BB GUN SQUATS
Apprentice: 2 sets of 10 reps

Warlord: 2 sets of 20 reps

Congratulations on becoming a Mountain Hawk! Use your new found talons of steel to kick doors open
for people. You are now ready to attempt a BB gun squat. It’s the baby version of the pistol squat.
Same exact movement, but you will only be going down half way to the ground.

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Starting Position: Stand up straight with your feet close together and your hands down by your
side. Slowly lift one of your legs straight out in front of you as you squat down with the other leg. Bring
your arms out straight in front of you for balance. Lower yourself down until your thigh is roughly
parallel with the floor. Your other leg should be either straight out in front of you or at least a few
inches off the ground. Pause for a second, and then slowly stand back up.

These are as much about balance and technique as they are about strength. Find your center, and try
not to lean back too far. Keep your weight above your knee, and push off with your heel to get back
into a standing position.

Can’t Do It? Consider doing everything you used to do with your hands using your feet instead.
Eating, washing yourself, giving your lover a sensual massage etc. Your legs need all the extra work they
can get.

9. BOUNCY PISTOL SQUATS

Apprentice: 2 sets of 10 reps

Warlord: 2 sets of 20 reps

Now we are going to go through the full range of motion for a pistol squat, but we will assist ourselves
out of the bottom position with our hands. There are several ways to achieve this, do what’s most
comfortable for you. You can have a soccer ball by your side, and when you are in the bottom position,
push off the soccer ball with your hand to help assist you out of the bottom position.

If a ball is too unstable and unpredictable, you can do this exercise beside a small platform like a bed on
the ground, or a small stool. How I like to do these personally is when I’m in the bottom position, I put
both hands behind me, and push off the floor to get myself out of the bottom position. This may be too

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low for you, and you might need a raised platform behind you. Play around with it, but the idea here is
to lower yourself slowly all the way down unassisted, and make sure you are in full control of this
position before using your arms to assist yourself back up.

Starting Position: Have a ball by your preferred side, or stand next to a low solid object. Standing
up straight with your feet close together, slowly lift your non squatting leg straight out in front of you
and slowly lower yourself down on one leg until your hamstrings touch your calves. Do this slowly and
in full control. I used to fall back a lot when first attempting these, it’s all about balance and flexibility.
Pause for a second in the bottom position, and have your hand ready to push off the ball or platform,
and use as much leg strength as possible to stand back up.

These are no joke. It’s almost a full pistol squat, and one of the harder movements in this series. Just
remember, balance is everything. Technique is everything. Maybe you want platforms on both sides of
you to push off with, that’s fine. You could even do these next to a rope and pull yourself up out of the
bottom position. Point is to just assist your legs slightly with your hands in that bottom position to make
things easier on your legs for now.

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Can’t Do It? Invent some sort of jumpsuit with springs on your bum to help you out of the bottom
position.

10. FLAMINGO SQUATS

Apprentice: 2 sets of 10 reps

Warlord: 2 sets of 20 reps

Much like the baby flamingo squat, you will be squatting down on 1 leg while leaning forward, but your
goal is to gently touch the floor with your knee.

Starting Position: Stand up straight with your feet close together. Slowly move your non squatting
leg behind you, bending it at a 90 degree angle as you squat down with the other leg. Lean forward and
have both arms straight out in front of you for balance. Squat down until you gently touch the knee of
your non squatting leg to the ground. Pause for a second, and without pushing off with your knee,
slowly lift yourself back up with your 1 leg. You might want to have a towel to make your knee landing
more comfortable. I find it’s fine on the floor, just try to touch down very softly, and land on the fleshy
part in front of your knee, not your knee cap.

You may not be able to touch the ground with your knee and make it back up alive to tell your tale.
Don’t worry about it; just go down as far as you can. Keep progressing until you can gently touch your
knee to the ground, and stand back up. Some people have long thighs and this will be easier for them.
Damn you genetically gifted thigh freaks. Don’t fall to the ground with your knee, this should be a slow
controlled descent.

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These are the best bum building exercise that I know of, so keep them in your arsenal. I usually finish
leg day with a set of these on each leg, even though I can already do the higher dimension pistol
squats. I find they compliment the pistol squat perfectly to develop the ideal leg to bum ratio.

Can’t Do It? Shake your fist in the air at flat earth Santa for giving you short thighs, but somehow
muster up the determination to “show him” and beat this exercise.

11. PISTOL SQUATS

Apprentice: 2 sets of 10 reps

Warlord: 2 sets of 20 reps

Congratulations, you’re a Thunder Monkey! Apprentice... That is assuming you can do 10 reps of this
incredibly mind altering exercise. This exercise requires some serious balance. You lean one inch in the
wrong direction, and you might not be able to push yourself back up off the ground. Don’t get
frustrated if you keep falling back in the bottom position. Just keep working on it, and eventually your
brain will adapt and keep you stable and upright. By the time you are nearing the warlord stage, you
will have legs of steel, knees capable of kicking cars over, and thighs that will be comfortable for your
lover to sit on.

Starting Position: Stand up straight with your feet close together. Raise your non squatting leg
straight out in front of you off the floor as you slowly squat down with the other leg until your
hamstrings touch your calves, keeping your arms in front of you for balance. Pause for a second, then
slowly push off with your heel, and stand back up.

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You likely have the strength to do this, but if you are struggling to complete this exercise, work more on
your flexibility. Film yourself and examine your form to see where you’re going wrong. You can see in
the photos above, my spine is curved a bit and that’s not ideal. It’s something I’m working on; I’ve
suffered from poor hip mobility my whole life. I’m a Sagittarius, that’s a common problem with us
freaks. The spine should be much straighter in a normal human being, but my body is weird. My
posture has opened up a lot since starting Monkey Strength though, so I’ll just keep plugging away at
the bridges until my back is straighter than an arrow. Just do the best you can with what you’ve got.

Most people fall backwards in the bottom position of this exercise because they have the ankle flexibility
of a pregnant elephant. Be more active with your legs in your daily life. Ride your bike to get groceries,
go for long walks, hike up mountains, jog in the forest, and do whatever you can to develop those
stabilizer muscles in your legs. Consider getting a standing desk and doing whatever work related things
you do while standing instead of sitting. Balance on one leg from time to time. These will eventually
become easy for you.

When all else fails, grab an object with some weight to it (no more than 5 pounds) and hold it out in
front of you while doing these squats. This will keep you from falling back and allow you to build the
strength necessary to do these free handed.

Can’t Do It?Try flapping your arms like a bird during this exercise. Maybe you’ll create enough
momentum and lift to propel yourself off the ground, since your legs are useless good for nothing
stumps.

NOW WHAT?
This is the boss stage of the leg series. When you can do 2 sets of 20 pistol squats on each leg, and 1 set
of 20 flamingo squats to finish off your workout; you will have such powerful legs, you are unlikely to
need to make the exercises any more difficult. But of course I know you will want to, so there are
several things you can do.

First of all, do these exercises as slowly as you can. We always move faster than we think in these
exercises. If you take a solid 2 seconds to lower yourself, pause for a second, and take 2 or 3 seconds to
stand up, it will be much harder than if you drop down fast and explode back up. So be honest with
yourself, and do the movements slowly to develop true strength. Don’t use any bounce in the bottom
position to create momentum. Just power your way up slowly using pure Monkey Strength.

You can also try bringing your hands in closer to your chest instead of straight out in front of you. This
will make it harder to balance, and will develop some new muscles. You could even move your hands
behind you for the ultimate challenge.

On the other hand, you might want to build explosive strength for sports and jumping over people in
line at the bank. Try lowering yourself down super slow, then explode up so fast that you actually jump

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off the ground when you come up. If you can do that, you’ll be dunking basketballs even if you’re 4 feet
tall.

If you really want to develop your leg muscles further and add size, consider adding weights to your
pistol squat. Start slow and just hold a light 5 pound object out in front of you. Then slowly start adding
more weight. Never more than 2.5 – 5lbs at a time. Just be careful to keep your balance and don’t drop
those weights on your toes. You could try a weighted vest, but it might unbalance you too far to the
back. You could try an ankle weight on your non squatting leg. That will give you superhero groins. You
could also have a friend press down on your arms as you do these. As they press down on your arms,
they squat with you, basically doing table squats using your arms instead of a table. Sounds like a bad
idea doesn’t it? It will likely end in the first dual squat related death in history, but you’ll both be in the
record books.

If you do end up adding weights, drop your reps down to 2 sets of 15. You’ll end up exhausting yourself
if you do 2 sets of 20 reps holding a 50 pound weight. And finish off with 15 or 20 flamingo squats.

Chapter 16: Push Ups

Good ol’ push ups. I like to think this was the first exercise ever invented. Some caveman was walking
in the forest with a woven basket full of berries and he tripped and fell flat on his stomach. Berries
everywhere. The other cavemen started laughing at him and in a panic to save his dignity, he started
doing push ups as if he had planned the whole thing out. His tribe members looked on in awe as the
push up was born. They started holding competitions for who could do the most push ups, and that is
also how math was invented. To this day, Krug Thompson holds the record for 397 consecutive sea
shells of push ups.

Push ups are the ultimate exercise. They not only build up a glorious chest, commanding shoulders and
“don’t mess with that guy” triceps; but as you progress to the later stages and start doing 1 arm push
ups, they really do work the entire body. By doing push ups, you will notice the benefits in your daily
life. Pushing doors open will become easier, moving your fridge will now become possible and having
sex for longer than 80 seconds at a time will now be an achievable goal.

The great thing about push ups, and most of the exercises in Monkey Strength, is that you can do them
anywhere. You don’t need any fancy equipment. Only in the pull up series and the higher dimensions
of leg raises do you need a pull up bar, and even then you can probably find a horizontal tree branch
near your house that will suffice. But with push ups, the only thing holding you back from doing them
anywhere anytime is your pride. You might get some funny looks if you start doing them in public, but I
eat funny looks for breakfast! They’re delicious. Not that I would ever eat breakfast of course.

Before I got serious about working out, push ups were the only exercise I did and I had a somewhat
respectable physique. It’s my favourite exercise in all of monkey land. There’s just such satisfaction in

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being able to do a 1 arm push up. It’s a primal gorilla chest beating kind of exercise, so bow down to the
almighty push up, it’s one of the best exercises you can do for your body!

In this series, we will start pushing ourselves straight against a wall with the least resistance possible to
get your shoulders and elbows conditioned to handle the weight of your body. The eventual goal is the
1 arm push up which requires incredible tricep strength as well as an iron core, so keep that in mind as
you progress through the series. Really focus on those triceps, and pay close attention to how your
elbows feel. A lot of these stages are geared to towards building those elbow tendons up. You’ll really
start to feel them during the 1 arm standing push ups, and when you complete those, the illuminati
push ups will give you the mystical tricep strength that your reptilian ancestors tried to pass onto you.
You’ll be able to hold an alligator down with one hand. Well... A baby alligator maybe. A frog for sure.

DO PROPER PUSH UPS

Keep your arms tucked to your sides. Your elbows should bend straight back against your body; they
should never flare out to the side. The shoulder joint isn’t designed to turn like that. Flared elbow push
ups are one of the worst things you can do for the shoulders. Plus they are a lot easier because they
take away the focus on the triceps. You will not only get way less benefit from doing them, you will risk
injuring yourself. You’ll need strong healthy triceps later on when attempting 1 arm push ups so pay
attention to proper form throughout this whole series.

I challenged Vegan Gains (a fellow YouTuber) to a push up contest a few years ago, and I had set the bar
at 52. He’s a 6’2, 200 pound guy, and I thought it would be a fun challenge to see if his massive arms
could push up his giant body more than my tiny arms could push up my tiny body. I was 5’7, 130 pounds
at the time. He never did complete the challenge though. I think it was because one of his high heels
broke off when his purse was stolen by an old granny, and he injured his breast in the pursuit. So we
never did get to see who could do more push ups.

Thankfully, a fruitarian named Barnanaboy responded to the challenge, and he beat my 52 by getting
53. That son of a bitch. But they were sissy half push ups with his elbows flared out to the side.
Admittedly, my form was atrocious at the time as well, but his was even worse. I figured, if that was the
game we were playing, I’d oblige and I was able to get 61 of the saddest looking push ups you’ve ever
seen in your life to win the contest. Barnanaboy disappeared into the shadows of the jungle that night,
and that made me king monkey again so I rightfully returned to my monkey throne.

I enjoyed the spoils of victory for awhile, but after receiving much criticism on my form, I started to look
into proper push up form and that’s when I discovered what a real push up looked like. I decided to give
them a try. With my arms tucked to my sides, and my elbows going straight back instead of flaring out, I
was only able to muster a measly 35. It was a pretty shocking difference. Real push ups, like you will
learn how to do here in Monkey Strength are much harder on the triceps, and much easier on all your
joints because your body is now properly aligned. This will build real strength and keep you young and
healthy into your 300th year when you move up into the mountains to live with your goats.

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 1. STANDING PUSH UPS
Apprentice: 2 sets of 30 reps

Warlord: 3 sets of 50 reps

Let’s face it, you’re a Donkey Bitch. You’re not ready for real push ups yet. Even if you think you can do
them, you need to start here and build up your joint mobility and tendon strength first. Standing push
ups will train your nervous system to get used to the pushing movement. When you become a warlord
in this dimension, you’ll be ready to move on and let gravity have its shot at defeating you. These
standing ones may surprise you in how difficult they are though. You will definitely feel the burn if you
are doing them slowly and in full control. Which you will, right?!

Starting Position: Find a wall, or a tree (you hippy) and place your palms on the wall with your
hands straight out in front of you. Your feet should be close together. With your hands pointed up
towards the ceiling, I want you to slowly lean in towards the wall until your forehead gently touches it,
pause for a second, and then slowly push yourself back off the wall until you are standing up straight
again.

Can’t Do It? You can’t push yourself off a wall? What can you do?

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 2. INCLINE PUSH UPS
Apprentice: 2 sets of 25 reps

Warlord: 3 sets of 40 reps

Now we are going to decrease the angle of your body to the floor, which will shift more weight to your
front side making these harder to do. Increasing the leverage is essentially equal to adding weights. I
want you to be somewhere half way between a standing push up and a real push up flat on the ground.
Your body should be at a 45 degree angle to the ground roughly. To do this, find an object that is
roughly waist height for you to push off of. If this is too low for you, find something higher up to
decrease the leverage and make this exercise easier until you can get down to that 45 degree angle.

Starting Position: Find a solid table, couch arm, or any solid flat surface about waist height that you
can put your hands on. Make sure it’s not going to slide away as you put your weight into it. Put your
hands flat on the surface about shoulder width apart. Find the perfect distance from the object for your
feet so your body forms a flat line perfectly straight with your arms straight down on the surface of the
shady object you decided to risk your life on. Keep your feet close together almost touching, and then
slowly lower yourself down until your chest comes in contact with the object, pause for a second, and
then slowly push yourself back up to the top position.

Work on getting your form perfect. No spine bending, no flaring of the elbows, and keep the
movements slow and steady.

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Can’t Do It? Look for a flying spoon that throws food into your mouth automatically, since your arms
are basically useless.

3. KNEELING PUSH UPS

Apprentice: 2 sets of 20 reps

Warlord: 3 sets of 30 reps

Now we are on the ground doing push ups, but our pivot point is not our feet, it’s our knees. This will
take a significant amount of weight off your arms in preparation for the full push up.

Starting Position: Get a towel or yoga mat for your knees to rest on. Kneel on your towel with
your feet together, and place both hands flat on the ground about shoulder width apart. Slowly lower
yourself down with your elbows tucked tight against your body, not flaring out to the side. Stop when
your chest is a few inches off the ground, pause for a second, and then slowly push your awesome self
back up until your arms are straight again.

This exercise is identical to a full push up as far as your chest and arms are concerned, it’s just slightly
less weight to push.

Can’t Do It? Take your knee towel, you know the one that you would have used to better your life by
strengthening your body with this exercise? And wear it to work instead. Since you’ve given up all hope
of having a respectable body to look at, you might as well just drape yourself in towels.

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 4. BABY PUSH UPS
Apprentice: 2 sets of 15 reps

Warlord: 2 sets of 25 reps

Now we will be in the full push up stance, but we will only go down about half way down. You baby.
The hardest part of a push up is getting out of the bottom position, so we will give you some time to
strengthen your body before attempting the full push ups. Baby steps young monkey.

Starting Position: Grab a soccer ball, and place it under your hips so you’ll know how far to go
down during this exercise. While kneeling down with both hands on the floor about shoulder width
apart, and the ball under your hips, extend your legs out behind you so that your toes are on the ground
instead of your knees. Keep your feet close together; your body should form a straight line now. Slowly
lower yourself down until your hips touch the ball, pause for a second, and then slowly push yourself
back up. Don’t you dare bend your body down so your hips touch the ball while your arms barely
moved. You’re not sexually thrusting at the ball, keep your body straight.

Play with different positions of the ball if you are struggling. Placing it under your knees will restrict the
amount of depth you can go down, making the movement easier. Placing the ball under your chest will
allow you to go deeper down, making the exercise harder. Work your way up to doing these with the
ball under your chest before you move onto the next dimension.

Can’t Do It? Maybe just balance the ball on your head. At least you’ll have a cool party trick to show
people.

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 5. PUSH UPS
Apprentice: 2 sets of 10 reps

Warlord: 2 sets of 20 reps

Congratulations on becoming a Power Squirrel! Think of all the dogs you can outrun now. You are
finally ready to do an actual push up. Full bodyweight, strict form and slower than a grandpa at a
supermarket.

Starting Position: Get into a comfortable push up position with your hands roughly shoulder width
apart, and your feet close together. Having your feet together forces you to engage your core more in
order to keep you from toppling over to one side. It’s almost like taking the training wheels off your
bike; you now have to balance on your own. Now slowly lower yourself down until your chest is a few
inches off the ground, pause for a second, and then slowly push yourself back up.

This is a great exercise to keep in your arsenal. Some days, when you want to just switch things up a
notch, even if you have advanced beyond this dimension, it’s fun to just see how many push ups you
can do. Throw in an endurance day every once and awhile and do 2 or 3 sets of as many push ups as
you can just for fun. You can also elevate your feet onto your couch or something high to make these
even more challenging as a bonus set. I usually do 10 push ups as a warm up for the 1 armed push ups,
and often finish off those workouts with elevated illuminati push ups just for fun. Yes it’s fun.

Can’t Do It? Consider teaching a high school gym class. Most high school gym teachers can’t do a
full push up either so you’ll fit right in.

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 6. 1 ARM STANDING PUSH UPS
Apprentice: 2 sets of 25 reps

Warlord: 2 sets of 50 reps

You are ready for your first 1 arm push up! Kind of. We are going to be standing up doing these against
a wall, just like the first exercise in this series, but we are only using 1 arm now. These will start to
strengthen your triceps for the harder stages to come, and they will also get you used to what a 1 arm
push up feels like form wise. You will notice your core engaging more as your body tries to compensate
for having only one limb to balance on.

Starting Position: Stand up straight facing a wall with your feet close together, and place
whichever hand you think is weakest on the wall fully extended in front of you. Always start with your
weak arm, and never beat the reps with your strong arm. That way your weak arm has a chance to
catch up. I like to place my hand in line with my shoulder horizontally, but slightly lower than shoulder
height. Experiment with the position that feels best for you. Slowly lean towards the wall with just your
one magnificent arm until your forehead gently touches the wall, pause for a second, and then slowly
push yourself back away until you are straight again.

You will know after the first rep whether your hand is in a comfortable position or not. Make the
necessary adjustments until it feels right. Just like the other push ups, your elbows are tucked close to
your body and bending back straight not flared out.

You will really feel this exercise in your triceps. You will feel it even more in the illuminati push ups in
the next dimension, so I wanted to prepare you with something a little lighter to get your triceps used to

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working harder. This exercise will really strengthen the tendons in your elbows so by the time you are
doing 1 arm push ups, you’ll be giggling at how strong you feel.

Can’t Do It? Next time you’re having sex, try balancing yourself on just one arm. It might not be the
best sex you ever had, but at least you’ll have a better chance at completing this exercise on your next
attempt. Make sure to switch arms half way through. So switch at about 15 seconds.

7. ILLUMINATI PUSH UPS

Apprentice: 2 sets of 10 reps

Warlord: 2 sets of 20 reps

These push ups are an ancient secret that have been buried for thousands of years in the deserts of
Tibet. Until now. These are the secret push ups that “they” don’t want you to know about! They give
you molten plutonium triceps with the density of a neutron star.

Illuminati push ups are much more tricep and elbow intensive than regular push ups, but you are ready
for them now.

Starting Position: Kneel down on the floor, and place your hands close together so your thumbs
and pointer fingers are almost touching each other. That will form the diamond illuminati sign that will
signal to your reptilian overlord ancestors that you’re ready for battle. Have your hands maybe an inch
apart, I find it gets uncomfortable during the exercise if they are touching, especially if you haven’t cut
your nails in awhile you hippy. Now bring your feet back so they are close together, and lower yourself

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down until your chest touches the back of your hands, pause for a second, and then slowly push yourself
back up to the top.

Keep your elbows tucked close to your body. Even though your hand position has curved a bit
compared to a regular push up, you should still focus on keeping your arms close to your body, and
never flare your elbows out.

Can’t Do It? Maybe begin star gazing as a hobby. Since you don’t want triceps with the density of a
neutron star, you can at least look at stars from a safe distance without hurting yourself.

8. LEBRON PUSH UPS

Apprentice: 2 sets of 10 reps

Warlord: 2 sets of 20 reps

Congratulations on becoming a Mountain Hawk! The world will never be the same. You are now ready
to start focusing on one arm instead of two (or three for my homies from Chernobyl). You will still be
using both arms, but one will be on a basketball, and the uneven nature of this push up will work the
non ball hand harder. Also your reps will double. Although your goal is the same as the last exercise, 2
sets of 20 reps, I want you doing that for each arm. It’s a lot more work, which brings a lot more
results. You can handle it, you’re a Mountain Hawk!

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Starting Position: Kneel down on the floor with a basketball in front of you. Yes, I regret not
buying a basketball for the Lebron movements. Assume the same position as a regular push up, only
one of your hands will be on the ball (your strong hand) and the other hand will be on the floor. With
your feet close together, your weaker arm straight, and your strong arm slightly bent on the basketball;
slowly lower yourself down until your chest touches the back of the hand on the ball. Pause for a
second here, channel the inner strength of Lebron James and then slowly push yourself back up to the
top. Remember, your arms are always tucked close to your body, no flaring of those elbows! I swear to
god if you flare them...

The hand on the ground will be doing more work, especially when you get in the lowest position. The
hand on the ball will still get a good workout, especially your triceps as they never really get a chance to
rest since your arm is always bent and under tension. These will slowly get you used to doing 1 arm
push ups, and the increased workload will have you gaining more muscle as well. Win win for you. Take
a short break before switching the ball to your other arm; give it a chance to recover.

Can’t Do It? Instead of pushing off the basketball with one hand, pick the ball up and throw it into a
hoop. If you practise enough, maybe you’ll become the next Lebron James and with your millions of
dollars you can buy a green screen and hire a film crew to lift you up with invisible wires to make it look
like you can do this exercise.

9. BABY 1 ARM PUSH UPS

Apprentice: 2 sets of 10 reps

Warlord: 2 sets of 20 reps

You are so strong right now. You are about to attempt your first real 1 arm push up, but I’ll go easy on
you. Only lower yourself half way down so you don’t snap your arms in half like a fruitarian trying to lift
a watermelon into their shopping cart by themselves.

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Starting Position: Get into a standard push up pose with both arms on the ground, but spread your
legs wide apart as if you were on a first date. Now that we are doing 1 limbed movements, we need to
spread our feet wider so we can balance ourselves better without twisting our spine and puncturing our
spleen. We’ll talk about this more in the final dimension.

Place a soccer ball (or a makeshift device because you left your soccer ball in Chiang Mai) directly
beneath your hips. Start with your weaker arm and place your hand roughly shoulder width apart like
you would in a regular push up. You might inch your hand a little closer to your chest if it feels right.
This is the tricky part, finding the perfect placement for your hand so it’s at the right angle to where you
feel comfortable and strong pushing your entire bodyweight off the ground with 1 arm. Now take your
other hand off the ground and place it behind your back or on the back of your thigh like I’m doing. You
should now be anchored with both feet, and just 1 arm.

Slowly lower yourself down until your hips touch the ball. Don’t dip your hips to accomplish this you hip
dipping asshole. Keep your back straight and use your mighty arms to reach this position. Your body
should remain perfectly straight, no twisting to the side with your hips. It should look just like a regular
push up except your other arm is resting on your thigh like a jerk. Pause for a second when your hip
touches the ball, and then slowly push yourself back up to the starting position. Move the ball up to
your chest to become a warlord of this dimension. Those few extra inches are what warlords are made
of.

Since this is a half movement, finish your workout off with a full range movement like the illuminati push
ups, or even elevated illumanti push ups with your feet up on your bed. I find it extremely satisfying to
complete my 2 working sets, and then have a fun set at the end where I switch things up a notch. It
keeps things interesting, and there are no rep targets for the last set, just do as many as you can and
have fun.

Can’t Do It? Since you’re so easily bullied into submission, never leave the house with more than
$10 dollars, since there’s a good chance someone will take it from you with little to no resistance. Never
carry more than you are willing to lose.

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 10. ANCHOR PUSH UPS
Apprentice: 2 sets of 10 reps

Warlord: 2 sets of 20 reps

Now we are going to be using our full range of motion with 1 arm, but assisting slightly with our other
arm stretched out fully on a soccer ball. Similar to the Lebron push ups, but the ball will be much further
out to the side, and therefore won’t be able to help as much due to the increased distance from your
body.

Starting Position: Grab a soccer ball and get into a regular push up position with your feet close
together. Your hands should be about shoulder width apart, and the ball should be placed next to your
strong arm. Always start 1 limbed movements with your weak arm, remember? With one hand
anchored on the ground, place the other hand on the ball with your fingers pointing out to the side and
move the ball as far out to your side as you can while keeping both of your arms straight.

Now slowly lower yourself down until your chest is just a few inches off the ground. The hand on the
ball will start to move out further away from you as you do this, try to keep it straight the whole time.
Pause for a second at the bottom, and then slowly push yourself back up with both hands as the ball
gets closer to you again.

If you are struggling with this one, keep the hand on the ball a little closer to your body, and bend your
arm a bit at the elbow. This will allow you to help more with that arm and make the movement easier.
Do it like this until you become a warlord in this dimension, and then do it properly with your arm fully
extended to conquer this dimension once and for all.

Give yourself a little break after doing the first arm before moving on to the next arm. If you do your
next set right away, your other arm will still be a little fatigued from your first set, and it won’t be at full

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capacity. I’m not a fan of doing sets back to back in as little time as possible, just relax you go getter
asshole. You’re not a Power Squirrel panicking to find enough nuts before winter anymore; you’re a
Mountain Hawk now. You should be enjoying yourself. Sometimes I take a few minute between sets to
just relax and breathe the fresh air if I’m outside. Or I’ll read some hater comments on YouTube if I’m at
home. It’s always illuminating to find out more about the many flaws you have from people on the
internet. I had no idea my armpit hair was too long before starting a YouTube channel.

Can’t Do It? Ask Elon Musk if he has any room in his space car to take you to the moon. The gravity
is a little lighter up there, so these should be easier for you. Just be careful not to push up too hard and
float away into the never ending darkness eternal.

11. THUNDER MONKEY PUSH UPS

Apprentice: 2 sets of 10 reps

Warlord: 2 sets of 20 reps

Congratulations on becoming a Thunder Monkey! No one will ever take your bananas again.

You’ve made it to the boss stage! You are finally ready to rise off the flat earth into kinghood. You will
be lifting your entire bodyweight off the ground with 1 arm, and you will be using your full range of

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motion. You’ve already done the half motion of this exercise, so it’s not much of a stretch for you to
complete the whole thing. Actually that’s exactly what it is, you have to stretch further. I hate when I
instantly contradict myself.

Starting Position: Get into a classic push up position with your 1 arm directly beneath your
shoulder, but instead of having your feet close together; spread them as far apart as you can. Bring
your other arm behind your back, or rest it on your thigh. Slowly lower yourself down until your chest is
just an inch or two off the ground. Your body remains perfectly straight the whole time just like a
regular push up, no bending of the back and no twisting of the hips. Pause for a second in the bottom
position, and then push your monkey ass back up to the top.

See that wasn’t so hard was it? You probably had the strength to do this several exercises ago, but you
didn’t have the much more important tendon strength in your elbows that will keep you injury free for
life. If you start these too early and you cheat yourself through the other steps, you will end up hurting
those shoulders and elbows of yours that you’ve spent so much time building up. Don’t rush through
any of the dimensions, and you’ll be able to accomplish these without exploding.

Can’t Do It? Start wearing a cape everywhere you go. That should help convince yourself that you
possess the superhero strength required to do these push ups. That, or you’ll be taken away to an
insane asylum, and since you will spend the rest of your days in a straight jacket, you will have a good
excuse for not being able to do these push ups.

OH WE’RE NOT FINISHED

The eventual goal of the thunder monkey push ups is to accomplish them with your feet close together
keeping your body completely straight during the entire movement. No twisting out to the side with
your hips either. That is the very advanced version of this move, and it will take some serious strength
to achieve. It might not even be possible, I can’t do it myself. For now, just try to survive the basic

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version without having a heart attack, then we can talk about advancing past it. When you are ready to
tackle the real Thunder Monkey push up, here’s how I suggest you do it.

Warning:

Don’t twist your hips out to the side like pictured above. It’s an awkward and potentially harmful
movement. If you can’t do the movement perfectly straight, don’t even attempt it. If you were looking
down on yourself from a bird’s eye view, say you had a near death experience because this exercise was
too hard and you are now floating above your body with your monkey spirit; as you look down on your
body it should be perfectly straight just like a regular push up. Not this sad looking boomerang shape
you see above. The reason my body is twisting like that is because I lack the tricep strength to do this
movement perfectly straight. I’ve never seen anyone do it, so I don’t feel too bad. But that’s what I’m
working towards even if it is impossible.

I suggest you start with the original thunder monkey push up with your legs spread very wide apart, and
become a warlord in that dimension. Then when you feel comfortable, move your feet a few inches
closer together and try the exercise like that. If you can’t keep yourself straight, you’re feet are too
close. This should look exactly like the original exercise, only your feet are slightly closer together. That
is the only thing that changes.

The closer you have your feet together, the harder it will be to balance yourself because of the
tremendous core strength required. Not to mention the triceps of steel you must possess to get
yourself out of the bottom position alive. So while I’ve never actually seen someone do this push up
with their feet touching, and it might be more of a myth than an actual movement that humans are
capable of doing, I will work towards it for the challenge. Shoot for the stars my friend. And you better
believe I will be making a video when I accomplish it. Race ya?

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NOW WHAT?
I highly doubt you will ever need to advance beyond the push up that I just showed you. We don’t even
know if it’s physically possible yet, and you want to make it harder?! Ok let’s assume that eventually,
you will be able to do 2 sets of 20 Thunder Monkey push ups with a perfectly straight body and your
feet close together. What’s a monkey to do after that?

There are several ways to advance beyond this without adding weight. One would be to do the
movement slower of course. It’s harder, and you will spend more time under tension. So really focus on
that form, and control yourself through every second of the movement.

The second way to advance beyond this dimension would be to do these with your legs elevated on a
higher surface. An elevated thunder monkey push up will be much harder, and work your shoulders
more. But then you are getting into 1 arm handstand push up territory. That may fatigue you for
handstand day, but you could try progressing through the dimensions again with your feet elevated and
see how much harder that is. If it’s negatively affecting your hand stand day, move those days further
apart, or take more rest days. Or just abandon that whole idea you elevated monkey!

If you must, get a weighted vest but add weight slowly. Start off with as little as possible, and consider
starting back at regular push ups and working your way up through the dimensions again. Slowly add
weight over time, don’t rush it. Just like this whole program, you have to slowly build your way up to
the harder movements to avoid injury, so don’t just throw on a 60 pound vest and expect your tendons
to be able to keep up without falling apart. Add as little weight as possible when you move on. 2.5 lbs
or 5lbs max. Condition your body properly, and you will keep getting stronger safely.

One interesting way to add weights to the thunder monkey push ups is to have a weight in your
opposite hand. Hold a light weight with the arm that is behind your back, and have it so that the weight
is hanging off the side of your body on the same side of the arm that is doing the pushing. This will help
counter the lean, but be careful. It can be an awkward movement if you are going to failure holding
that weight. You might drop it on your cat, and then all you’ll be able to think about is how he will exact
his revenge on you. Will it be while you sleep? Or will he hold it over you for years to come, pouncing
on you when you least expect it? These are the real questions in life.

Final Thoughts
So that is the program in a nutshell. It’s really fun to advance through the stages, and see your strength
progressing each week. On day 1, take a shirtless before picture from all angles. Then start tracking
your progress by writing down how many reps you do for every single exercise. Also write down the
exact date that you started, and just try to improve each week. Don’t get discouraged when you have a
bad week and can’t even beat the reps you did from the previous week. It happens to all of us. The
universe works in mysterious ways, you don’t always progress in a linear fashion. I’ve had a few

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downslides in my workouts where I got weaker each week for 3 weeks, then bust through and hit a
personal best on the 4th week. Just stay persistent, your body is always getting stronger. Unless your
diet is mainly fruit loops and popcorn, then you might just be malnourished. If your nutrition and sleep
are dialled in, just have faith in the program and let your body grow at the pace it wants.

The higher dimensions of this program are serious feats of strength, so give your body time to recover
and rest as much as possible. Your body might be thinking... “Did this jackass really just make me do five
1 arm handstand push ups?” You might need a few weeks to recover from that as your body goes into
overdrive adding new muscle fibers to your shoulders and strengthening up your support tendons. Just
go with the flow. Aim to beat your personal best every week, and if you don’t, aim to beat it the next
week. If you feel you aren’t progressing, look at your diet, sleep habits and other lifestyle factors that
may be weakening your monkey ass. You may just need to up that protein and fat.

You can email me your before and after photos at vegetablepolice@gmail.com and I might make a video
one day featuring all you Thunder Monkeys out there who went from skinny to shredded, and did so in
a healthy way with no injuries. If you want coaching for Monkey Strength, you can email me and set up
a Skype consult. If you ever feel like you are stuck in a dimension and can’t progress, I can help you get
past it.

Be on the lookout for the Monkey Strength DVD. Once I can complete that straight Thunder Monkey
Push Up with my feet close together, I’ll put together a dvd of all the exercises. It will either be available
on www.payhip.com where you bought this book, or I will add it to a tier on my patreon page over at
www.patreon.com/vegetablepolice it’s much easier to follow along with the program when you can see
exactly how to do each exercise. I tried to put as many pictures in this book as possible, but the video is
going to be much more precise, and I’ll do some funny voiceovers giving you tips to complete each
exercise if you’re stuck. I’ll make a video announcing when and where it will be available, but definitely
consider signing up to my patreon account anyways for the monthly Q&A! You can ask your Monkey
Strength questions there for as little as $1 a month!

Consider starting your own YouTube channel and posting your progress through the Monkey Strength
program to inspire others. Tell your friends about the program and help them off their lazy butts so you
can work out together. Hold each other accountable. What good is a Thunder Monkey if they don’t
have any Thunder Monkey friends to wrestle with? Do this program together with your partner, or your
kids. Find a friend and get strong together; you can motivate each other to the top! There’s nothing like
working out with some good friends, I had a blast working out with my friends in Chiang Mai at Go Gym,
testing each other’s strength. Look for the Vegan vs Carnivore workout video on my Vegetable Police
YouTube channel to see all the fun we had!

So thanks so much for purchasing this book! I had a lot of fun writing it, and I really believe in the
program. I do it myself, and who knows, maybe a Gorilla Strength sequel will have to be written to
advance beyond the boss stages of this realm. Keep an eye out for that, and thanks again for the
support! Subscribe to my Vegetable Police YouTube channel for more tips on how to do the exercises
properly, and all the different variations you can throw in. As well as nutrition and other health tips

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presented in a light hearted humorous fashion just like this book was. Monkey Strength shirts are
available over at www.vegetablepolice.threadless.com Lots of other designs like Thunder Monkey shirts
for the pros, and Donkey Bitch shirts for the beginners.

Go get strong young monkey. May the thunder flow through your monkey blood.

Helpful Resources:
www.YouTube.com/user/canadianwargod Subscribe to my Vegetable Police YouTube Channel

www.patreon.com/vegetablepolice Sign up to the Patreon for access to the monthly Q&A

www.vegetablepolice.threadless.com Monkey Strength merch

www.vegetablepolice.bandcamp.com My music to motivate you during your workouts

vegetablepolice@gmail.com Email for Skype consults or sending your before and after pictures

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