Finding my way: An Introduction to the Tune of Lovesong

Portfolio Reflection
Laura K. Aluise, Doctoral Candidate
In fulfillment of the
Curriculum and Instruction Doctoral Program Requirement for Candidacy

Doctoral Committee:
Dr. Kimberly McFall, Chair
Dr. Jennifer McFarland-Whisman, Committee Member
Dr. Edna Meisel, Committee Member
 Finding my way: An Introduction to the tune of Lovesong

…You’re on your way (Bareilles, 2007)

The song Lovesong by Sara Bareilles (2007) inspires me to look at myself and how my

life took this direction, this course of action, that has helped me to discover who I am and

brought me up to this point. Throughout my life, I have gone down a variety of paths, and I have

made choices that have shaped me into the person I am today. Graduating with my Bachelor’s in

2010 and entering the classroom as a substitute teacher, I quickly realized how lost and

unprepared I felt for teaching in the real world and went back to school, securing my Master’s in

2013 along with the hope that I would now have the tools necessary for my success. Despite

years of education and added certifications, I did not know where I was going, what my purpose

was, or who I was supposed to become. Like a compass without a needle, I could not find my

way.

This reflection presents my journey to finding my way to the doctoral program and what I

have learned through this journey. A summary of this journey is documented in my electronic

portfolio:  LAURA ALUISE'S PORTFOLIO - Inspiration and Reflection (weebly.com)

Beginning the Journey

Head under water and they tell me to breathe easy for a while (Bareilles, 2007)

In late fall of 2017, I decided to contact Dr. Beth Campbell to speak with her about the

doctoral programs in education offered by Marshall University. I felt very lost and was uncertain

as to whether I would stay in the field of education at all. Speaking with me, I’m sure Dr.

Campbell could hear it in my voice, if not in what I was saying. I remember intimating that I was

interested in teaching individuals who actually wanted to be present, who were legitimately

interested in what I was teaching. I had more than one phone conversation with Dr. Campbell,

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trying to come to a decision. In the end, I decided to take steps to pursue my doctorate in the

hopes that I would be able to find my niche in the path I had chosen for my life.

The events that followed happened so fast; it seems all a blur now. Following Dr.

Campbell’s instructions for the application process, I typed a letter explaining my credentials,

my achievements, why I felt I would be a good fit to the program, and submitted it. Within a

day’s time or so it felt, I was given an appointment time to meet with the application board at the

Charleston campus. Being in that room on the 2nd floor with the back-and-forth exchanges with

the members, it felt so surreal. I was sweaty and shaking with nervous excitement and left the

room in a foggy adrenaline high. It all boiled over as driving on the way home, I received the call

I was accepted in the program. I was so ecstatic I missed my exit, and upon getting off the phone,

called my husband and excitedly and rapidly relayed to him, “I’m in! However, I’ve taken a

wrong turn and need to find my way home. The adventure begins.” It finally looked like I would

be able to breathe. I had a plan, a solution at last.

Depth of Understanding/Collaboration in Coursework

Breathing gets harder even I know that (Bareilles, 2007)
My first set of classes in the program began in the spring of 2018. I was extremely

nervous, taking both a statistics and curriculum models course. The statistics course gave me the

biggest pause as I have never considered myself strong in mathematics and knew full well that

this course was going to be heavily math based. At least that was what I assumed given the

course’s name. It was in this course that I met Dr. Edna Meisel. She was so kind and enthusiastic

about the course. She quickly put me at ease, and I began to build some confidence. The class

was small and intimate and the atmosphere was unlike any I had the privilege to experience. It

fostered communication and collaboration with peers, through active discussion and group

projects.

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 I had my first collaborative project in Dr. Meisel’s course through a partnered

presentation concerning a critical look at a research article, focused on analyzing the statistical

analysis used for a particular study. It was different than other group projects I had had because

everyone was pulling their own weight and genuinely valued each other’s input. Even when

ideas differed, conversations were cordial and resolutions were easily reached upon further

examination of the assigned material. Dr. Meisel’s statistics course not only provided me with

several forms of statistical analysis and how to use them for data collected during the course of

my own research, but her course also taught me how to effectively collaborate with others to

achieve a common goal. Effective collaboration is a skill that I will not only use for my

upcoming dissertation but is something that I feel confident in using every day with my

colleagues, administrators, supervisors, and students.

However, the curriculum models class threw me for a slight loop. I had not heard of any

of these models before and was surprised to discover that much of what the models entailed were

things I already did or had previously encountered in teaching but had not put a name to. My

curriculum models course exposed me to curriculums I had never heard of as well. This exposure

to the different curriculum models has allowed me to compare and contrast them, borrow

techniques from them, and use them in my own teaching to best meet the needs of my students.

My next collaborative class was in the fall of 2018 with Dr. McFall’s Literature Review

course. I had never encountered a literature review before and was not sure how to go about

writing one. From previous work, I noted that my approach to a literature review represented

mini-informative papers. In this course, I learned that a literature review is much more. To gain a

better idea of what a literature review entailed I scheduled a meeting with Dr. McFall for

clarification. She helped me to understand that rather than a mini paper, a literature review is

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essentially choosing information that is relevant to your research topic. The literature helps

provides a sound basis for a research topic. In understanding what a literature review is, Dr.

McFall’s course has taught me how to be discriminating with research that corresponds with my

dissertation topic. I know now to examine others’ research most relevant to my topic of study.

From there, my next collaborative course was in the fall of 2019, Dr. Heaton’s

technology course. Her class truly threw me for a loop as I was fully thrust into a world of

technology that I had never encountered before. My knowledge of technology was extremely

limited as I had very little exposure to technology growing up and in my undergraduate and

master’s coursework. I stayed after class a few times and came early to speak with her about

problems I was having and my concerns for the course. In every class meeting, we would have

small group or partner activities that aligned either with a particular assignment or tech topic of

discussion for the day. I worked with a fellow student on a presentation for the class regarding

false information in the media. Although I do not consider myself to be a technology expert, I

feel more confident now when working with it and if there is something I don’t understand, I

know to persevere, take risks, try new things, and do the research necessary to understand as a

result of Dr. Heaton’s class.

My next collaborative course occurred in the spring of 2020, the writing for publication

course with Dr. Pleska. At the time, I was struggling with the aspect of writing in general. I never

considered myself to be a great writer and was told often throughout my educational experiences

that my writing was very dry and that I did not think outside the box enough. I was always the

kind of person who second guessed everything I was working on and would edit as I wrote, a

perfectionist, which made for a very slow, inefficient, and miserable process. Hearing from peers

during our group work and class read alouds, I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was not

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alone. Many felt that they were inexperienced writers and found the process to be painful and

lengthy just as I did.

One of the many helpful experiences in this course that helped me with writing was when

I read Anne Lamott’s “Shitty First Drafts,” and I can honestly say that it changed my life.

Through this assigned reading and with Dr. Pleska’s assistance, I learned that it is more

important to get the words out, just say it. It does not need to be perfect or eloquent at first. Once

the words have been allowed to escape to the solace of the page, they can be molded into what

they were meant to be. As a result of my new-found writing skills, and the encouragement by Dr.

Pleska, I reached out to her colleague, Donna Meredith, who is the Associate Editor for The

Southern Literary Review, a magazine celebrating southern authors. Through this connection I

was able to examine a book and write a review of it. The book I reviewed was entitled, The

Guests on South Battery by Karen White. I was excited to see that my review was published on

July 9th, 2020. Although I still struggle at times getting my words on to paper, I often reflect back

on this successful publication and all that I learned in Dr. Pleska’s course to take a breath and get

typing.

Courses in the program began to become more challenging due to Covid-19 because

every course was now online even when they were originally meant to be face to face. During

this time, I was enrolled in Dr. Lassiter’s qualitative research course. We were originally

supposed to go out and observe our interviewees and various environments in which we could

conduct interviews. However, the pandemic forced us to get creative. Therefore, my interviews

were conducted within my home environment, on someone’s front stoop through a storm door,

and Microsoft Teams. My experience in Dr. Lassiter’s class opened my eyes to the fact that there

is no single correct way to accomplish what is necessary. Even if traditional avenues for

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corresponding and speaking with others are not an option, if you think outside the box, you can

still connect and collaborate with others.

In the spring of 2021, I enrolled in Dr. Debela’s policies in curriculum course. We met

regularly via TEAMS through Blackboard. Each student in Dr. Debela’s class was assigned a

book, and each class meeting we presented on our reading and held a question-and-answer

session with our peers. For our final project in his course, I revisited my qualitative research

paper from Dr. Lassiter’s class, Covid-19 and its Effects on Motherhood. I interviewed three

more individuals, completely reorganized the paper, and developed a PowerPoint presentation to

accompany it. With this revamped research project, I felt my question-and-answer session with

peers was more personal as the research performed was my own rather than an opinion piece

regarding someone else’s work. Dr. Debela had stated to me that my presentation skills,

confidence, and consciousness of time had improved since the start of the course. The skills I

learned in Dr. Debela’s course were critical for my preparation as a potential doctoral candidate,

and in particular, for my next collaborative course to come.

The following fall semester I took Dr. Wisniewski’s curriculum theory course. Up until

this course, I had always interpreted curriculum as being what was being taught. This course

opened up my eyes to the fact that curriculum is multi-faceted and ever changing. Curriculum is

not just what is taught, but how and why to teach. Curriculum is the very embodiment of a series

of beliefs brought to light by the individual responsible for molding young minds, as well as the

teachers themselves. It is the teacher’s job to ensure every child enters a positive, safe

environment where their personal social and basic physical needs are met first. Only once those

needs are met can academic content be successfully introduced and expanded upon. Two of my

peers and I gave a group presentation on Dewey, Addams, and Counts followed by class

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discussion utilizing focus questions we came up with. Working with others, it was interesting

trying to achieve balance as I could see that my peers had very distinct ideas of what they were

wanting to get across which was different than what I had in mind. Every class, we were given

assigned readings on various curriculums and held open discussions with peers. In this course,

we were able to see how our interpretations of the same materials differed and how those

differences in perception affected our own beliefs, our own personal theory of curriculum. Dr.

Wisniewski’s class was instrumental in enlightening me not only to what curriculum means to

me but in teaching me to truly collaborate with others-taking into account other’s ideas, being

respectful and accepting of those ideas, and being unafraid to make my ideas known to others.

Her course taught me to stand up for what I believe in, to be unafraid to explore other

possibilities and admit unashamedly when I am mistaken, which are all important factors for

successfully embarking on a dissertation.

My final collaborative course in the program was Dr. Securro’s statistics course. During

this time, I was engaging in regular collaboration with my fellow peer in the course. The course

proved very difficult for me as it utilized specialized statistics software that was entirely new to

me. Collaborating with my peer in the course, I learned the importance of perseverance and

research. Working through the statistics software, my peer and I would share what we were able

to discover regarding terminology and formulas encountered within the software program with

one another.

During this time, I also participated in a few of the Doc student meetups in which we

discussed the progress in our courses and where we were in the program. Speaking with other

students and hearing where they were in the program, what they were doing, and sharing with

each other our struggles and successes, really helped me to feel what it is like to be a team.

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 Collaborating with others, sharing successes and failures in order to brainstorm ideas on

ways you can improve or approach situations differently are necessary for embarking

successfully on one’s dissertation. Cooperating, sharing, and compromising with others in this

program has also helped me to better interact and communicate with my colleagues and students’

parents in my position as a preschool special needs itinerant teacher.

Scholarship
Blank stares at blank pages (Bareilles, 2007)
In the summer of 2022, I began seriously focusing on my portfolio, specifically focusing

on scholarship. I delved back into my past works and research topics to find something that

would potentially work for a few of the upcoming conferences Dr. Heaton had very kindly drawn

to our attention. I found a conference sponsored by the National Social Science Association

(NSSA) that focused on the social aspects of education. I noted the conference session topics and

found one entitled Education in Action that fit a curriculum project I accomplished in Dr.

McFall’s literature review course concerning music therapy curriculum. Dr. Meisel liked the idea

and after discussion, we decided to present on utilizing music therapy strategies in the classroom

to benefit all students. With further discussions and tweaking, I submitted the proposal to the

National Social Science Association’s (NSSA) summer seminar. I was accepted and from there, I

created and tweaked a script and PowerPoint presentation for the conference and shared them

with Dr. Meisel. Together, over the course of several meetings, we reviewed and edited my work

until Dr. Meisel and I deemed it ready for presentation. It all came together, and I presented my

work at the National Conference via Zoom on Wednesday, June 22nd. Although I found it nerve-

wracking, the presentation went well. Presenting at this conference helped to prepare me for the

variety of questions I could potentially encounter. Some might catch you off guard, but as long

as you are knowledgeable and confident with your research and material, you can handle them

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all. If I do not know the answer to a question asked of me, I respond honestly that I do not

currently know but that I will find out and get back with the individual who asked the question,

supplying them with a way to make contact with me. As teachers, we are not all knowing beings;

we are lifelong learners, using our research and investigative skills continuously to find the

answers for ourselves and others.

After the conference, Dr. Baydo, Director of the NSSA, sent out an email indicating

where to send our PowerPoints and papers for potential publication in their journal, I did as he

instructed and submitted them that same day. He sent me a return email stating thank you for my

participation, that my presentation was excellent and that both my article and PowerPoint

presentation were received for possible publication for the journal. If accepted, my presentation

will appear in the 2023 publication of the NSSA journal.

I believe this presentation helped me to think on my feet and respond tactfully under

pressure, both characteristics I believe will come in handy when embarking on a dissertation and

presenting to others with very different ideas than my own. This presentation also helped me to

respond with confidence and honesty when I do not know the answer. I may not have the answer

right now, but I will find out and get back with you.

Faculty Collaboration
Made me think that I need this too/ Cause I believe there’s a way (Bareilles, 2007)
I feel very much that my time in the program has conditioned me to believe “I need this.”

I feel it in every fiber of my being. Fortunately, these strong feelings helped me through an

unexpected turn in my progress through the program. Dr. Meisel, my chair, anchor, and driving

force, informed me of her plans to retire. I have a rather annoying tendency to be a bit

melodramatic at times, especially during times of stress. With this news, a song popped into my

brain that I have not been able to shake since, Sara Bareilles’s Love Song, (the theme of this

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reflection). In the beginning and throughout my time spent in the program, I felt as if my head

was underwater and every person that was part of my support system was telling me to “breathe

easy,” it would all be ok. My brain would nag at me and tell me that “breathing gets harder,” and

it always did just as I knew it would. When she told me she had retired, the words “Promise me,

you’ll leave the light on to help me see with daylight, my guide gone” flashed through my mind.

It was then I was snapped out of it by Dr. Meisel herself. She was telling me that yes, she was

retired. Yes, she was going to help me find a new chair, and yes, she fully intended to see me

through to the end. Dr. Meisel and my spouse, John Michael, have been my constants, lifting me

up to do what I need to do in order to succeed. I found more than anything I had to find a way,

not just for me, but because I could not let them down. Therefore, beginning in the Spring of

2021, Dr. McFall graciously agreed to be my new chair. Dr. Meisel informed me she would be

staying on as my committee member and would continue to help me with my doctoral program.

Moving forward, Dr. Meisel and I were looking over the portfolio rubric together, and I

confessed to her that I had never collaborated with a faculty member on a course. We began to

look into names of faculty who might be willing to allow me to collaborate with them based on

my area of specialization, special education. As a result, I met with both Dr. McFarland and Dr.

Dunham. I met with Dr. McFarland first in August, and I discussed with her my current position

as well as my caseload of students and requested advice specifically on working with my

students with moderate autism. She was very informative and helpful and provided me with

modules and articles that I have been able to utilize to encourage interactions between my

students and myself and in turn, help my fellow teachers to do the same. It was decided that I

would help Dr. McFarland with the grading of the research reports for her graduate autism

course. I continued with her on this course during this 2022 fall semester. With this experience I

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have learned through email correspondence with her and with answering students’ questions

throughout the course that once again, there are no clear-cut responses and solutions to problems.

The way that our minds work and process information comes in various shades of the greys in

between. I was initially too rigid on my grading of student reports and worked with Dr.

McFarland to correct my mistakes. My second grading attempt was successful as I was more

accepting of ideas that did not line up perfectly with the “rubric model responses” but were in the

correct ballpark.

I met with Dr. McFarland again to discuss how to approach students who do not appear

to read or respond to feedback and do not submit work. She gave me valuable insight with how

to reach these students. She also showed me how to teach students to communicate with the

instructor as a team to learn the important aspects of the assignments. I want to make sure I have

the skills to encourage students to ask questions to clarify concepts they do not understand. I

want them to enjoy the challenges of learning.

I also met with Dr. Wendy Dunham early in the semester. We had a lengthy and

informative discussion about my current job in special education and why I had decided to

pursue my doctorate. As it turns out, Dr. Dunham and I share a lot in common: both of us being

teachers in the field of special education, both of us at one point feeling so overwhelmed as to

consider a career change, and both of us pursuing a doctorate as a way to find where we belong.

We also discussed the challenges of teaching an online course and she showed me how to cut out

and save important information using the Microsoft word snipping tool. I also spoke with her

about my potential research topic for my dissertation. We made plans to meet up again once I

come up with a set of discussion questions for our next meeting. This encounter, while brief,

made me realize the incredible benefits of just talking with colleagues.

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 These informal meetings help to hold us accountable, make us better educators, push us

to open up to new ideas, and to persevere through new challenges. It is important to maintain the

lines of communication with our colleagues, parents, students, etc. to remain on the same page

and continue to move forward in our progress.

Research
I learned the hard way (Bareilles, 2007)
As mentioned previously, Dr. Lassiter’s qualitative research course occurred during the

height of the COVID-19 pandemic. His course, challenging on its own due to having to step out

of one’s comfort zone to speak with strangers, was made more so by the fact that the world was

on lockdown. He had wanted us to conduct observations in the environment of our interviewees

but rather than in person, this had to be accomplished through virtual means, Microsoft Teams,

phone, or Zoom. I described the inflections I heard in the voices of my interviewees and the

environment I saw through their shared virtual view or from which I was speaking on the phone.

For this course, I utilized three devices: my cell phone, a hand-held recording device, and a

laptop. I was completely unfamiliar with using a hand-held recorder and had to watch

instructional videos and read a manual in order to learn how to accurately and effectively use it

in conjunction with the other two devices.

Setting up and conducting interviews was difficult because it was hard to coordinate a

time that was convenient for both the interviewees and me. After the first interview, I discovered

I needed to work on my questions so as to elicit more in-depth responses from my interviewees. I

also found it necessary to add additional questions that proceeded from easiest to hardest in order

to help put my interviewees at ease, making them comfortable with me and the interview process

so they would be more open with me. As well as re-examining questions, I found transcription to

be a new and difficult challenge. I had at first attempted to use transcription software, but it was

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apparent that due to interviews being conducted virtually and since both myself and the

interviewees exhibited variations of Appalachian dialects, digital transcription was unreliable. I

had to manually transcribe our interviews. This involved multiple starts and stops on the

recording device and typing out exactly what was said as I heard it along with precise times

specific words were spoken. The process was painfully time consuming. From the transcriptions,

I noted themes that emerged between the interviewees, analysis of the qualitative data, and

documented these themes as data discovered during my research for the final qualitative paper.

This course taught me how to interact appropriately with others across virtual means and how to

keep them engaged in our conversation to prevent the early ending of an interview and dreaded

awkward silences. I also learned that patience and attention is key when working with others to

build rapport and to develop the most accurate transcriptions possible. All of these developed

skills are invaluable for embarking on my future dissertation.

The quantitative studies course overseen by Dr. Childress was also conducted online due

to the pandemic and posed another interesting challenge. Although I had taken a number of

surveys throughout my lifetime, I had no idea all the work that went into developing a reliable

and quality survey. I also never realized how few individuals actually respond to surveys. In this

course, I learned how to develop reliable surveys, how to analyze the reliability and overall

quality of the surveys of myself and others, and how to entice individuals to take them. I learned

that time, not just my time, but that of interviewees is valuable and that surveys that are clear,

concise, and short in length and time it takes to complete them are often the most reliable and

enticing for interviewees. The skills gained from Dr. Childress’s course will help me in

developing future surveys and analyzing quantitative data.

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 Learning how to conduct both qualitative and quantitative research will help me to

accurately compile and categorize data for my research topic. It will also help me to organize and

process data I acquire assessing my students and aid in the presentation of those data to my

students’ parents to convey my students’ current needs and progress in the special needs

program.

On to the Dissertation

I’m trying to let you hear me as I am (Bareilles, 2007)

I met with Dr. Meisel confessed to her that my original plan for a dissertation, examining

the increase in severity as well as number of special education students over a period of five

years, was not going to work due to the fact that I could not use any child I had potentially

evaluated or made previous contact with and my colleagues and supervisors would have to redact

all of the children’s personal information before I could examine test scores. This placed too

much work on my supervisors and colleagues. Due to the teacher shortage and lasting impacts of

the pandemic, conducting this study was not feasible. I then started discussing things that I had

talked about with Dr. McFarland, how we had gotten onto the topic of how every child I had

encountered, even those deemed typical, were exhibiting behaviors previously only attached to

children who were determined special education students. I described these children as socially

isolated to the point of being socially underdeveloped. The characteristics include children who

cannot communicate with others, adults, or teachers, cannot appropriately express themselves

i.e., self-regulation skills, and do not know how to appropriately play. Dr. Meisel became very

excited as did I and together we decided this could be my potential topic and came up with a

plan.

The purpose of my qualitative research will be to provide perceptions, descriptions of

experiences, and opinions of possible solutions from special education professionals in the field

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concerning these isolated children. We both agreed that this was adaptable as these behaviors are

occurring across multiple age groups rather than just with preschool aged students. It was

decided that I needed to discuss my research topic with both Dr. McFarland and Dr. Dunham and

see about assembling a team of up to 10 professionals to interview, working together to

brainstorm and find solutions. Much focus has been placed on the fact that due to the pandemic

the majority of our students are behind two or more years academically. However, the behavior

of our students has greatly deteriorated, and we are seeing severely underdeveloped personal

social and communication skills across the board. When students’ personal-social needs are not

met, when children cannot effectively communicate with others, the learning of cognitive skills

cannot occur. Academic skills flourish when all other basic needs are met. Rather than focus on

these academic skills that are continuing to drop, widening the gap, I want to work with others to

find solutions to meet our students’ social emotional and communication needs in order to be

able to repair the damage the effects of the pandemic have caused. I believe my time in the

program, collaboration with peers and professors, as well as my own personal experience have

helped me to achieve the skills I need to successfully embark on this dissertation. All this time, I

have been trying to discover my purpose, where I belong in the field of education. I realize all

along I have been trying to have others “hear me as I am.” My passion in the field of education is

to help those in constant fight or flight mode, those who are unable to effectively express

themselves, and this dissertation will help me to do just that.

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