It´s getting bad again

I think I understood it was getting bad again

When I started to do everything sitting down

And I think I understood it was getting bad again

When a smile became more difficult to produce than a frown

When the room didn't light up whenever I was around

And when the tears came silently, not creating any sound

And I think I knew it was getting bad again when my own internal clock stopped ticking

When the itching for joy became my new favourite pastime

When a laugh with my friends cost much more than a dime

It was more like an act that I put on, with a grinning mouth that isn't even mine

And I think I knew things were getting bad again

When my bed went from being a resting place, to being a tomb

When I couldn't look any of my friends in the face, and when I started to assume

That I wasn't wanted or needed

When my head felt haunted, and I pleaded

And I think I knew it was getting bad again

When my pen felt too heavy to pick up and write

When the same damn haunted dreams played in my head throughout the entire night

So, I rip out my hair in hopes that I'll be able to see clearly

In hopes that those I love dearly will notice

Do the empty patches on my head express it to you?

Or should I keep silent and internalize what I'm going through

Or should I continue to release my empty screams into nothingness

With tears flooding down my face

Tell me, if I'm so important to you

Then why am I so easily replaced

I think I knew it was getting bad again when the fog came back

The crows flew away, and the darkness started to attack

When a simple conversation became exhausting, and I avoided all human contact

And when I began to wonder if I'll ever get my permanent smile back
Breathe

Today I looked up how long it would take to drown

Today I looked up how long it would take to drown

How long can you hold your breath

Before you can't hold your breath any longer?

How long until your lungs give out

And the sound that used to fill the void

Quiets like a mouse at midnight

Searching for its piece of the pie

Today I stood in front of a window

And imagined what it would be like to fly

No, I didn't

I imagined what it would be like

To Jump outside the frame that caged me inside

But my better judgment said it wouldn't be very kind

If someone you cared about found you

That's the voice that plays like a tape on rewind

Rewind

Rewind

It wouldn't be fair to a stranger either

Today I'm reminded of the time I watched a man

Jump into a highway when I was just seventeen

The car lights on either side of the upper portion of the auto route below

Standing at attention

Staring off into the distance

Just waiting for the road to clear

And the way to the comfort of their loved ones to be made

Death is a strange and hollow inconvenience

When you think about it

There's a blank face

That quickly and abruptly finds Its way to all the witness something of that magnitude
It's not empathy

It's not sympathy

It's more of a force intrinsic and integral self-reflection

Why would someone do such a thing?

What could drive someone to that type of depth?

Could I be driven to such depths?

Would I ever be able to jump?

There is no place to be soft in these moments, jump

There's no time to caught in this moment, jump

There's no need to believe there ever was a moment, jump

Sigh, believe, relief in this moment

'Cause I could never be the one to be in this moment

Or could I? Jump

Today I looked up how long it would take to drown

Do you first hold your breath?

Do you exhale all of your problems and worries

Before casting your thoughts to the bottom

Of an otherwise empty place below the poverty line of depressed thoughts

And the sad calamity of a haunted house you've called home?

I don't know

Maybe someone out there has an answer

But for now, I'm still trying to come to terms of the fact

That today I looked up how long it would take to drown