Don Quixote of La Mancha

Adapted from the novel by Miguel de Cervantes

Script by Charlene David, Samara Luis, Maranatha Langkit, Lindzei

Pantaleon, Colleen Ochoa, Victoria Fe Role, Joan Espinosa, Georgia Ventura

DON QUIXOTE
Where art thou, lady mine, that thou
My sorrow dost not rue?

All:
The mad man has arrived!

SANCHO (TO THE AUDIENCE)

I thought it to be a day none different than any other, when I
stumbled upon an interesting fellow. His body battered, and it was
beyond his power to rise.

DON QUIXOTE
Thou canst not know it, lady mine,
Or else thou art untrue.

SANCHO (TO THE AUDIENCE)

I stood rather amazed, for he spoke funny words.

Sancho helps Don Quixote to sit up and he recognizes the man.

SANCHO
Senor Quixada? Who has brought your worship to this pass?

DON QUIXOTE
O! Noble Marquis of Mantua,
My Uncle and liege lord!

Then takes his lance and half-carries and half-drags him to their
village.

SANCHO (TO THE AUDIENCE)

At this exact moment, He continues talking nonsense as we make our
way back to our village.

DON QUIXOTE
Senor Don Rodrigo de Narvaez, your worship must know that I have
 mentioned the lovely Dulcinea del Toboso, for whom I will do the
most famous deeds of chivalry that in this world to be seen.

SANCHO
Senor! Can’t you see that I am not Don Rodrigo de Narvaez nor the
Marquis of Mantua, but your neighbour, and that you are the worthy
gentleman Senor Quixada?

DON QUIXOTE
I know who I am. I am Don Quixote of La Mancha!

Don Quixote pushes himself off of Sancho.

DON QUIXOTE (CONT’D)

I made a knight-errant of myself.

SANCHO
A knight of your mere dreams!

DON QUIXOTE
Oh but I am! The castellan dubbed me a knight! I travelled back here
in search of a squire and it satisfies me that I have made a noble
beginning with my knighthood.

SANCHO (TO THE AUDIENCE)

And that! Is how I officially confirmed it to myself that my
neighbour wandered with dried-up brains.

Sancho stops dragging Don Quixote.

SANCHO (CONT’D)
How things changed for Don Quixote and I was more elaborate, but it
was something like this:

DON QUIXOTE
Neighbour of mine, Sancho Panza! I think you to be an honest man,
and I promise to leave you an island to govern once won.

SANCHO (TO THE AUDIENCE)

And so that is how knight and squire, set off on their next
adventure.

Sancho and Don Quixote continued with their journey.

 DON QUIXOTE
Sancho, behold what we have in front of us. look there, my friend,
those humongous giants!

SANCHO
Very well senor, very well… but might I ask, to which giants are you
referring?

DON QUIXOTE
Those you see over there!

Don Quixote points at nothing. Sancho turns his head and looks
around.

SANCHO
Over there???

DON QUIXOTE
Those whose animosity exceeds their height and raises a torrent of
wind and sweat!

Don Quixote readies himself and poses to attack.

SANCHO
Senor! Those are not giants! The sails are what appear to be arms,
senor! With all due respect, they are merely windmills

DON QUIXOTE
Sancho, keep silent. They are giants. Come to my aid, my lady
Dulcinea. Do not flee, coward and vile creatures!

SANCHO
I warned you to be wary, but it appears that you did not intend to
heed my counsel. Sit up.

Sancho helps Don Quixote to sit up.

DON QUIXOTE
Quiet, Sancho, quiet. I’m thinking… This is linked to evil! Be
warned, evil! In contrast to my herewith sword, your deceitful
tactics are conspicuous.

SANCHO (TO THE AUDIENCE)

Now that Don Quixote has accomplished his first err- perhaps heroic
quest of battling with “giants”, what could his next quest be?

DON QUIXOTE
Sancho! Are you seeing what I’m seeing?! Sorcerers! They have
captured a princess!

SANCHO(CONFUSED)
Monks… senor?
 DON QUIXOTE
Sorcerers Sancho!

SANCHO
But senor,those are just monks and the assistants of the lady
they’re carrying, they do not mean any harm!

DON QUIXOTE
Silence! I’m afraid I’m the only one who can grasp the duties of a
knight…

SANCHO
(frustrated)
But-

Don Quixote stands in the middle of the road, and blocks the way of
the monks.

MONK 1
Good day, sir, I see you are… blocking our way… May we help you
with something?

DON QUIXOTE
I demand you release the poor imprisoned princess!

MONK 2
(confused)
I must’ve heard wrong, come again, sir?

Don Quixote draws out his sword.

DON QUIXOTE
Release the princess this instant!

SANCHO (TO THE AUDIENCE)

Good heavens, he’s done it now! Don Quixote’s threat has caused
chaos! Oh, the poor innocent monk got knocked off his donkey!

(back to the scene) The monks’ servants beat up Sancho.

SANCHO
W-wait! I was just… m-merely taking the spoils of battle from the
monk!

Meanwhile, the frightened fallen monk stands up slowly.

MONK 2
Goodness me, what has gotten into that man!

Monk 2 grabs Monk 1.

SANCHO (TO THE AUDIENCE)

Oh how horrible this day was!
 5
SANCHO
Yet after what had happened,it did not take long before we continued
our journey. How troublesome, really.

DON QUIXOTE
Sancho, my friend. Better fortune will shortly follow.

SANCHO
Very well sire, you are free to do as you like. But let us leave
this unlucky place and locate lodgings where we may rest and eat.

6 - HELMET FROM THE BARBER/CONVICTED CRIMINALS

PART I - HELMET FROM THE BARBER

SANCHO TO THE AUDIENCE

Oh, you thought that was over? Oh no, knowing how Don Quixote is, he
will stop at nothing to get what he wants. our adventure has not yet
finished.

DON QUIXOTE
Great Heavens! Sancho. I can see him! A great knight has come!

(SANCHO SQUINTS HIS EYES TO SEE THE BARBER UNDER THE BRIGHT
SUNLIGHT. DON QUIXOTE APPROACHES THE BARBER.)

SANCHO
A commoner with a… helmet?

DON QUIXOTE
That is not just an ordinary helmet! The myth has come to life and
Mambrino's helmet has come to me.

SANCHO
Uh, senior, who is Bambino (baby in Spanish)?

DON QUIXOTE
Watch your mouth! Mambrino is a legendary mythical knight! He wears
a golden helmet such as yours! Don't you think it fits me, squire?
(Don Quixote pulls out his sword and poses like a nobleman.)

DON QUIXOTE
 (The barber approaches him and Sancho)
Ah, here he comes.

DON QUIXOTE (CONT’D)

Halt!

BARBER
Dear fellows, how can I help ya’? A haircut? Or a trim?

DON QUIXOTE
I shall win over your helmet!

BARBER
Oh, this? This is simply a golden wash basin, senor.

DON QUIXOTE
You must not know how much value your helmet holds.

BARBER WHISPERS TO SANCHO

Has your friend gone loco?

SANCHO
(sighs) I often wonder…

DON QUIXOTE
As expected, Your ignorance has melted down the enchanted helmet.
(Don Quixote raises his sword at the barber.)

BARBER
Pardon me, your Grace! Here, take it if you wish to. Have mercy on
me!

SANCHO
(defeated tone)
Ah... and he has done it yet again..To which extent could my sanity
bear this madness? Well! Onto our next destination then.

PART 2 CONVICTED CRIMINALS

(A CHAIN GANG OF GALLEY SLAVES APPEARED.)

SANCHO
My, look what we have here.

DON QUIXOTE
A group of galley slaves has come to us for help. We must not let
them down.
 SANCHO
Ah, yes… but they are convicted criminals.

DON QUIXOTE
They must have a reason. Worse, they were all innocent framed for
the crime of others!

(DON QUIXOTE APPROACHES THE GUARDS BRAVELY.)

SANCHO
Oh, no, no! (Sancho stands in the way of Don Quixote) Do not
interfere, sire!

DON QUIXOTE
(laughs proudly) Remember, my friend, I am the defender of the
distressed!

DON QUIXOTE
Good day, officers! May I ask why these slaves are convicted?

OFFICER 1
(annoyed) These men are offenders of the law. Why else would we
convict them? Make haste, we are all busy men.

DON QUIXOTE
Are you certain? Such men won't commit such despicable acts without
a reason.

PRISONER 1
Yes! We had no choice. I had to steal to feed my newborn baby. Oh,
is it such a crime to provide for your family?

PRISONER 2
I was simply caught in the scene of the crime!

PRISONER 3
I was framed! I am innocent! WE ARE INNOCENT!

OFFICER 2
SILENCE!

DON QUIXOTE
Do not use your authority to silence the innocent!

OFFICER 3
That is not how the law works, you madman!

OFFICER 2
 Are you looking for an opportunity to get locked up with them?!

DON QUIXOTE
As I’ve expected. Your law is not just! Be free! Liberty for the
persecuted!

DON QUIXOTE CHARGING AT THE OFFICERS

En Garde!

PRISONER 4
Sorry, old fool, I am afraid we cannot do that!

DON QUIXOTE
LIARS! You uncivilised rats!

PRISONER 1
Uncivilised rats? You old hag! GET HIM! TAKE ALL THEIR POSSESSIONS!

OFFICER 4
CHASE ALL OF THEM!

SANCHO
DON QUIXOTE, RUN!

(The prisoners run away. Don Quixote and Sancho hide in Sierra
Morena.)

SANCHO, GASPING FOR AIR

Sire, we can seek refuge here.

DON QUIXOTE
Oh, I'm alive and well! I shall hunt for our food while you can
stay here.

SANCHO
Sire, the woods are not safe! Wait for me! (Sancho follows Don
Quixote leaving the donkey behind)

(ONE OF THE GALLEY SLAVES HIDING FROM A TREE REVEALS HIMSELF AND
STEALS THE DONKEY.)

PRISONER 3 or GINES DE PASAMONTE

Aha! Hello there, donkey! It appears that you're left alone now.
Finders keepers they say. So, from now on, I, Gines de Pasamonte,
name you Dapple.

(DON QUIXOTE AND SANCHO RETURN.)

 SANCHO
MY DONKEY!!!

DON QUIXOTE
HALT, YOU THIEF!
(GINES QUICKLY RIDES DAPPLE AND RUNS AWAY.)

SANCHO
Just how many thieves will we encounter, sire?
What shall we do now?

DON QUIXOTE
Hmm… Let us continue our adventure into the woods!

- two come across Cardenio -

Don Quixote
Oh hello, Cardenio. what is with that frowning face of yours?

Cardenio
How could a man not frown if he feels betrayed? My wife has left me
for another man because according to her, I was a douche for not
spending time with her! I toil from day to night, how could I find
time to waste?

Don Q
Oh, what a douche you truly are! In the name of love, it is never a
waste to spend time with your lad. Sancho! I’d like to send my
Dulcinea all of my love through a letter. Now!

Oh, this poor fellow; lonely and miserable. Could never be me

Sancho (To the audience)

Little does he know, he already is one. No lad in this village
awaits nor ever desires the love of Don Quixote, even crumbs of it.

Don Quixote
(Done writing) There! I have finished. Must I read it to you,
Cardenio? (Reads letter) "To my Beloved Dulcinea, I,< interrupted>

Cardenio
<interrupts Don Quixote> Okay, okay that is enough. I am now
convinced you are the Ardent knight while I'm the wretched fellow. I
appreciate the reminder. (said mockingly)

Don Quixote
 (flattered) Ah Cardenio, I am glad you are aware. Now, Sancho,
before we send it. , I might as well seal it with a kiss.

All
EW!

SANCHO PANZA, SHOWING HINTS OF EXHAUSTION

May we stop to rest, senor? Just for a bit.

DON QUIXOTE
Our quest unfortunately hasn’t come to an end yet, Sancho! However,
fear not! We will soon meet my love, Dulcinea!

SANCHO TO THE AUDIENCE

Flatter me all you want, but that will not reward my fatigue.

SANCHO PANZA, WORRIED, AND INSISTING

But–! Look at that inn we’re nearing, what a perfect timing! We
simply cannot find your lady love in this level of exhaustion!

DON QUIXOTE
Oh, but ‘tis is no exhaustion I am feeling, Sancho- It is but a
burning desire to find my dearest, Dulcinea!

Hmm, but since you’ve brought up the inn, how about we go ask the
townsfolk for some information?

SANCHO PANZA
Oh yes, please!

DON QUIXOTE
Very well, into the inn we go!

PRIEST
Ah, Don Quixote. Fancy meeting you here, eh? Are you still
continuing your err… ‘quest’?

DON QUIXOTE
You know it, Father! We cannot simply rest not until we’ve found
Dulcinea.

PRIEST
I see, and what about your companion? He seems quite tired.

DON QUIXOTE
 Oh him? Nooo, he’s well. He’s just a little…excited.

SANCHO PANZA TO THE AUDIENCE

Really? Do you think I look excited?

PRIEST
Right…Well Don, (Clearing throat) it’s getting quite late, why
don’t you continue this play-pretend of yours another day?

DON QUIXOTE, SOUNDING OFFENDED

Play pretend? Why, this is no time to ridicule me, Father.
PRIEST
I-It’s just…(Quietly) You’ve caused quite a ruckus for the peop–

BARBER
Ah, You! The knight from my store.

DON QUIXOTE
Oh, the previous possessor of my divine golden hemet!!

BARBER
I can’t help but overhear your conversation about this… Dulcinea of
yours, and I came to mind that I know just how to help you with
that.

DON QUIXOTE, LIGHTING UP

You do? How splendid, confess to me the details at once!

BARBER, CLEARING HIS THROAT

Well you see, O beloved Knight of La mancha. I’ve heard about this
box wherein it can make you show up to your lady love in a jiffy!

SANCHO PANZA TO THE AUDIENCE

He seriously doesn’t think we’d fall for that, does he!

DON QUIXOTE, EXCITEDLY

Then I shall take it!

SANCHO PANZA
Just a moment, senor- How do you know it’s not just some hoax?

BARBER, OFFENDED
What’rya callin’ a hoax?!

SANCHO PANZA, DEFEATED

Alright, what’s the catch? I expect you don't have any strings
attached to this idea.
 PRIEST, BEWILDERED
How could you say such a thing, Sancho? We wish to aid you! Won’t it
tempt both of you to make your job easier?

SANCHO PANZA, SIGHING

Very well, I accept.

BARBER, SMILING MISCHIEVOUSLY

Gentlemen, I believe we’ve finally got ourselves into an agreement?

PRIEST
By riding this enchanted cart prepared by yours truly!

BARBER
Now, now, would you mind riding what we have prepared for you,
senor?

PRIEST
This, casts a spell, on whoever may ride it

BARBER
A majestic one, as I would say!

DON QUIXOTE
.. How could you say so?

PRIEST
It puts you under a trance, *scratches head and covers mouth*,
enchants you, rather, and soon, the love of your life will be before
your eyes!

BARBER
How marvellous!

DON QUIXOTE
*dreamy eyes* I shall ride it, immediately,

DON QUIXOTE
My love, to your arms I run into!

SANCHO (AUDIENCE)
And boy oh boy, that, never, has happened.

——————————

SANCHO
Years passed, centuries have endlessly changed like how time can
never be put into an end.

The cart? The trance? What a huge joke!

To nip in the bund of the unhinged adventures of Don Quixote, and

*coughs*, his squire, yours truly, the old pals decided to corner
our mighty knight and send him home.

As time passed, I grew busier. The adventures of Don Quixote and I

were a memoir caged into a ball, buried deep within my spirit.

I cannot say the same for Don Quixote, one that spends his days as
the film of a vigorous knight, an alluring princess, and mad
escapades, play constantly in his mind.