ANNE OF CLEVES: Saxon Hall, how are you doing tonight?

ANNE BOLEYN: We said, how are you doing tonight?!

JANE SEYMOUR: We are…
Queens (sung): Six.
JANE SEYMOUR: And welcome to our divorced, beheaded live tour!
KATHERINE HOWARD: We’ve got a whole lot in store for you tonight.
CATHERINE OF ARAGON: We’ve got riffs to ruffle your ruffs! (riffs)
CATHERINE PARR: Shimmys to shake up your Chemise.
KATHERINE HOWARD: And a whole lot of history.
CATHERINE PARR: Or as we like to call it… her-story. (The queens laugh)
CATHERINE OF ARAGON: So obviously, you know who we are.
KATHERINE HOWARD: Please, no selfies.
CATHERINE OF ARAGON: But give it up for our ladies in waiting!
(Señalan a las bailarinas, hacen una mini coreo)
ANNE BOLEYN: We got Dana!
(Dana does a solo)
ANNE OF CLEVES: Val!.
(Val does a solo)
CATHERINE OF ARAGON: July!
(July does a solo)
JANE SEYMOUR: And Lucy!
(Lucy does a solo)
ANNE OF CLEVES: So you came here tonight to party with us old-school.
JANE SEYMOUR: Really, really old-school… But we’re not here to have fun!
KATHERINE HOWARD: Uh-uh, we’ve got a serious score to settle.
CATHERINE PARR: We’ve been in the shadow of one man for too long.
ANNE BOLEYN: And we came here tonight to step back into the spotlight!
KATHERINE HOWARD: The problem is there’s—
Queens (sung): Six
KATHERINE HOWARD: Of us, and we know you’ve all got your favorite.
CATHERINE OF ARAGON: Everyone always wants to know who’s the most important wife.
ANNE OF CLEVES: And they’ve been arguing about it for centuries.
CATHERINE PARR: We’ve heard it all…
CATHERINE OF ARAGON: “Who lasted the longest was the strongest.”
ANNE BOLEYN: “The biggest sinner is obvs the winner.”
JANE SEYMOUR: “Who had the son takes number one.”
ANNE OF CLEVES: “Who was most chased shall be first placed.”
KATHERINE HOWARD: “Most Inglourious is victorious.”
CATHERINE PARR: “The winning contestant was the most protest-ant.”
(The other Queens look at her in confusion)
CATHERINE PARR: ...Protestant!
CATHERINE OF ARAGON: But we came here tonight to answer your questions once and for
all!
ANNE BOLEYN: And tell ya whatcha want, whatcha really really want...to know.
JANE SEYMOUR: That’s right, we’re gonna help you figure out which one of us is—
ANNE OF CLEVES: The queen of the castle.
JANE SEYMOUR: The rose amongst the thorns.
KATHERINE HOWARD: The Thomas Cromwell amongst the royal ministers between 1532 and
1540.
CATHERINE OF ARAGON: But how the purgatory are they going to choose their leading lady?
ANNE BOLEYN: Hold up! If this is going to be a fair competition, they’re gonna have to judge
us on the one thing we’ve all got in common.
JANE SEYMOUR: The one to take the crown should be the one who had the biggest,
CATHERINE PARR: The firmest,
CATHERINE OF ARAGON: The fullest
ANNE OF CLEVES: Load of Bullshit. to deal with from the man who put a ring on it.
JANE SEYMOUR: The one who had the worst life wins the thing.
KATHERINE HOWARD: So, Saxon Hall, we’re going to hold a little contest for you.
ANNE BOLEYN: And the rules are simple:
CATHERINE PARR: The queen who was dealt the worst hand,
JANE SEYMOUR: The queen with the most hardships to withstand,
ANNE OF CLEVES: The queen who everything didn’t really go as planned,
Queens: shall be the one to lead the band!
CATHERINE OF ARAGON: So, what do you think Saxon Hall, are you ready to choose your
leading lady?
KATHERINE HOWARD: We said, are you ready?!
Queens (sung): Welcome to the show To the coronation
Who will take the crown, Be the pop sensation?
Everybody knows that we used to be six wives
Six wives,
Six wives,
Six wives.
CATHERINE OF ARAGON: But there’s only one you need to hear from tonight. Saxon Hall, I’m
about to win this competition. Give me a beat.
Music
CATHERINE OF ARAGON: So, since the day I arrived in England, let’s just say my faith had
been tested on more than one occasion. First things first, I was shipped off from Spain on the
night of my sweet sixteen to marry some prince called Arthur and I’m like “okay”. But then Arthur
died, so naturally I’m imprisoned for seven years. Really helped with the grieving process, you
know, but I’m still like, “okay.” But thank God they rescued me just in time to marry Prince
Henry… My dead husband’s brother. Okay, so I’m thinking “bit weird”, but if you’d seen him back
in the summer of ‘09. Let me tell you he was okay. So seven years later, we’re still trying for an
heir. He’s trying really hard and I’m like “ugh, okay”, and he starts coming home late. “I was just
out with my ministers!” But there’s lipstick on his ruff. And I’m like “okay”. Suddenly, he wants to
annul our marriage, move some side chick into my palace and move me into a convent! Now... I
just don’t think I’d look that good in a wimple, so I’m like “No way.”