Improving Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself, or the opinion you

have about yourself. Everyone has times when they feel a bit
low or find it hard to believe in themselves. However, if this
becomes a long-term situation, this can lead to problems,
including mental health issues such as depression or anxiety.
Some of the symptoms of low self-esteem can also be a sign of
these problems.

Self-esteem is often the result of a lifetime of experiences, and

particularly what happened to us as children. However, it is possible
to improve your self-esteem at any age. This page provides more
information about self-esteem, and some actions that you can take
to improve it.

Understanding Self-Esteem
Some people think of self-esteem as their inner voice (or self-dialogue) – the
voice that tells you whether you are good enough to do or achieve something.

Self-esteem is actually about how we value ourselves, and our perceptions

about who we are and what we are capable of.

Self-esteem is not about ability

Self-esteem is often not associated with either your own ability, or

other people’s perceptions of you.

It is quite possible for someone who is good at something to have poor

self-esteem. Conversely, someone who struggles with a particular task
might generally have good self-esteem.
 People with good self-esteem generally feel positive about themselves, and
about life. This makes them much more resilient, and better able to cope
with life’s ups and downs.
 Those with poor self-esteem, however, are often much more critical of
themselves. They find it harder to bounce back from challenges and
setbacks. This may lead them to avoid difficult situations. That can, however,
actually decrease their self-esteem still further, because they feel even worse
about themselves as a result.

A lack of self-esteem can therefore influence how people behave, not to

mention what they achieve in their lives.

You may find it interesting to read our page  The Importance of Mindset  for more
about how attitude influences behaviour.

Why Do People Experience Low Self-Esteem?

There are many reasons why someone might have low self-esteem.
However, it often starts in childhood, perhaps with a feeling that you
were unable to live up to expectations. It can also be the result of adult
experiences such as a difficult relationship, either personal or at work.

Self-esteem, domestic violence and abuse

The victims of domestic violence and abuse often have low self-
esteem.

This may be because their abuser has spent time belittling them and
making them feel bad about themselves, reducing their self-esteem.
However, it may also be that their low self-esteem made them more
vulnerable to being abused because they did not feel that they were
valuable.

Nobody should have to suffer from abuse or violence.

If you, or anyone you know, is in this situation, you should seek help.

o In the UK, sources of help include Childline, telephone 0800

1111, the NSPCC , and the National Domestic Violence
Helpline, 0808 2000 247.
o In the US, Government advice is that you can call the Domestic
Violence Hotline on 800-799-SAFE (7233).
Stressful life events, such as a divorce or bereavement, can also have
negative effects on your self-esteem.

Improving Your Self-Esteem

There are a number of ways in which you can improve your self-esteem.

1. Identify and Challenge Your Negative Beliefs

The first step is to identify, and then challenge, your negative beliefs
about yourself.

Notice your thoughts about yourself. For example, you might find yourself
thinking ‘I’m not clever enough to do that’ or ‘I have no friends’. When you do,
look for evidence that contradicts those statements. Write down both
statement and evidence, and keep looking back at it to remind yourself that
your negative beliefs about yourself are not true.

2. Identify the Positive About Yourself

It is also a good idea to write down positive things about yourself, such as
being good at a sport, or nice things that people have said about you. When
you start to feel low, look back at these things, and remind yourself that
there is plenty of good about you.

In general, positive internal dialogue is a big part of improving your self-

esteem.

If you catch yourself saying things like ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘I’m a failure’,
you can start to turn things around by saying ‘I can beat this’ and ‘I can
become more confident by viewing myself in a more positive way’.
To begin with you will catch yourself falling back into old negative habits, but
with regular effort you can start to feel more positive and build your self-
esteem as well.

3. Build Positive Relationships—and Avoid

Negative Ones
You will probably find that there are certain people—and certain
relationships—that make you feel better than others.

If there are people who make you feel bad about yourself, try to avoid
them.

Build relationships with people who make you feel good about yourself and
avoid the relationships that drag you down.

4. Give Yourself a Break

You don’t have to be perfect every hour of every day. You don’t even
have to feel good about yourself all the time.

Self-esteem varies from situation to situation, from day to day and hour to
hour. Some people feel relaxed and positive with friends and colleagues, but
uneasy and shy with strangers. Others may feel totally in command of
themselves at work but struggle socially (or vice versa).

Give yourself a break. We all have times when we feel a bit down or find it
harder to maintain our self-belief.

The key is not to be too hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself, and not
too critical.

Avoid criticising yourself to others, because this can reinforce your negative
views—and also give other people a (possibly false) negative opinion of you.

You can help to boost your self-esteem by giving yourself a treat whenever
you succeed in doing something hard, or just for managing a particularly bad
day.
 5. Become More Assertive and Learn to Say No
People with low self-esteem often find it hard to stand up for themselves or
say no to others.

This means that they may become over-burdened at home or at work, because
they do not like to refuse anyone anything. However, this can increase stress, and
make it even harder to manage.

Developing your assertiveness can therefore help to improve your self-esteem.

Sometimes acting as if you believed in yourself can actually help to increase self-
belief!

Our pages on  Assertiveness  provide more information about this, including how to improve
your assertiveness.

6. Improve Your Physical Health

It is much easier to feel good about ourselves when we are fit and healthy.

However, people with low self-esteem often neglect themselves, because they
do not feel that they ‘deserve’ to be looked after.

Try taking more exercise, eating well, and getting enough sleep. It is also a good
idea to make time to relax and to do something that you want to do, rather than
something that someone else expects you to do. You may find that simple changes
like this can make a huge difference to your overall outlook.

You may like to read our pages on  The Importance of Exercise,  Diet, Health and
Nutrition,  What is Sleep?  and  The Importance of Sleep  for more information. You might
also like our page on  Relaxation Techniques.

7. Take On Challenges
People with low self-esteem often avoid challenging and difficult situations.

One way to improve your self-esteem can actually be to take on a challenge. This
doesn’t mean that you need to do everything yourself—part of the challenge might
be to seek help when you need it—but be prepared to try something that you know
will be difficult to achieve.
By succeeding, you show yourself that you can achieve.

This challenges your negative beliefs and will therefore improve your self-
esteem.

Further Reading from Skills You Need

The Skills You Need Guide to Personal Development

Learn how to set yourself effective personal goals and find the motivation you need
to achieve them. This is the essence of personal development, a set of skills
designed to help you reach your full potential, at work, in study and in your
personal life.

The second edition of or bestselling eBook is ideal for anyone who wants to
improve their skills and learning potential, and it is full of easy-to-follow, practical
information.
The Importance of Small Steps
It is very unlikely that you will go from poor to good self-esteem overnight.

Instead, you will probably find you make small improvements over a period of time.
The key is to look over the long term, rather than day-to-day, and focus on the big
picture, not the detail of how you felt at a particular moment yesterday.

When you feel good, or you do something good, celebrate it—but don’t beat
yourself up if you occasionally slip back into negative patterns of thinking. Just pick
yourself up again and try to think more positively. Eventually, this will become a
habit and you will find that your self-esteem has quietly got better.
Exercises to Boost Your Self-Esteem
Self-esteem and self-confidence touch every aspect of our
lives, from the way we hold ourselves (body language) to our
likelihood of developing mental health problems such as
depression and anxiety, and even our chances of getting a
promotion or raise.
But while people with high self-esteem tend to feel more
confident, happier, and more successful, so many of us
struggle with our self-esteem and feelings of unworthiness.

While it’s normal to experience some periods of low self-esteem, if

you’re regularly experiencing feelings of worthlessness or as though
you’re a constant failure, you might be suffering from a more serious
mental health issue. PsychologyToday offers a free self-esteem test
to help you establish whether you have a low or healthy self-esteem.

Whether you’ve always had low self-esteem or it’s a new phenomenon in your life,
these exercises will help train your mind to see the good in your everyday and help
you remember that you are valuable.

1. Prioritize yourself
As a child, your parents probably told you it’s a virtue to put other people’s needs
above your own, and putting yourself first is selfish. But while it is important to be
generous and caring, doing so at the expense of your own needs always leads to
low-self esteem and can be incredibly detrimental to your self-esteem.

It is essential to carve out me-time in your daily life. Remember that you can’t help
anyone if you’re feeling run down or unwell yourself, so taking some time out
allows you to be your best.

It’s okay to say “no” sometimes!

2. Be kinder to yourself
Let’s be honest, many of us don’t adopt the nicest ways of talking to ourselves.
Whether you’re unhappy with your body when you look in the mirror or regularly
beat yourself up over your perceived “failures,” the way we talk to ourselves has a
dramatic impact on our self-esteem and mental health.

A good practice to help you break the habit of negative self-talk is to actively say
“STOP” whenever you notice critical thoughts, then consciously play devils’ advocate
with yourself.

It may help to write down five things you like about yourself whenever you notice
negative thoughts creeping in. For example, if you hate your butt, focus on parts of
your body that you do like: maybe you have great hair, striking eyes, a pleasant
smile… If you focus on these aspects, you may surprise yourself by how many
positives you can list!

3. Forgive mistakes
Everyone can be hard on themselves when they make mistakes, and we’re often far
harder on ourselves than we would be on others. Remember that a mistake doesn’t
mean you’re a failure as a person. We all err occasionally.

A good technique to help you forgive yourself is to change your mindset on

mistakes: rather than looking upon them as failures, consider them chances to
grow by scrutinizing where you went wrong and where you can improve next time.
This transforms the mistake into an opportunity for self-improvement, which
should immediately help improve your self-esteem.

4. Acknowledge success
Just as it’s important to deal with mistakes, it’s also vital to recognize your
successes. Being humble might be seen as a virtue, but there’s absolutely no shame
in celebrating a job well done (even if your boss or children aren’t as appreciative as
they should be – we’ve all been there!).

Avoid phrases (even when talking to yourself) along the lines of “it wasn’t a big deal”
or “anyone could do it,” as these downplay your accomplishments. It’s okay to be
proud of yourself.
Listing past accomplishments can also help you see how much you’ve grown and
improved over time and how many successes you’ve achieved along the way,
reminding you that you can do it and will do it again

5. Practice gratitude
Gratitude and mindfulness can be trigger words these days, and it seems like every
other thing we read on the internet is going on and on about the benefits… But
there’s a reason for this: it works!

Not only will practicing gratitude help you combat low self-esteem, but it can also
provide a valuable boost to every aspect of your mental health, helping you feel
happier and more fulfilled.
While many people will cite the benefits of keeping a gratitude journal, one social
media challenge from 2014 offers an alternative way to change your mindset and
focus on the positives of your daily life: the #100HappyDays challenge.

This challenge combines accountability with a requirement to focus on the positive,

and every participant recorded feeling happier and more fulfilled after completing
the challenge.

6. Move your body

So many studies establish a link between good mental health and physical
exercise that it’s impossible to ignore!

Whether you’re heading out for a run, practicing yoga, or simply undertaking some
yard work, getting your body moving and your heart pumping has been well proven
to improve mood, boost self-esteem, and help you live a happier life.

Not only is the physical process of exercise vital for a healthy mindset, but the
visible aspects of toning up can also provide a boost to your self-esteem if you
struggle with body image. Even if you haven’t lost/gained weight yet, just knowing
that you’re doing something about it can dramatically help.

7. Be generous
While it’s vital to say no to people occasionally and put your needs first, being
generous can also boost your self-esteem as it proves you have something to give.
In fact, helping others has been shown to give people a sense of meaning and
purpose in life, whether you’re building homes for the homeless, giving blood, or
just being generally helpful.

For extra bonus self-esteem-boosting points, you could combine generosity with
movement and volunteer with a charity that requires you to workout while you
help. Dog walking for a local shelter, building homes, collecting donations… There
are many ways to get involved with causes you care about and get fitter while
you're at it!

8. Team sports
Team sports are brilliant for boosting your self-esteem and mental health as they
encourage teamwork, cooperation, the chance to succeed, and plenty of fun!

Most neighborhoods have a selection of team sports you can get involved in, or you
could always start your own club! Pick up a set of lacrosse balls and a net to get
started in your backyard, then look for bigger spaces to play your chosen sport as
the word gets out: chances are there will be plenty of people who’d love to play with
you!

9. Commit
Whatever exercises you choose to boost your self-esteem and mental health, you
must commit to them if you want to see any improvement. Start small with
achievable goals, and work your way up. The accomplishment of hitting and
exceeding your targets will offer its own self-esteem boost in addition to the
benefits from the exercises themselves!
7 Ways to Boost Your Self-Esteem

Building healthy self-esteem is an ongoing task that requires

effort, but is a practice that is worth the energy. It is normal for
us to sometimes have wavering self-esteem where we may
feel insecure and inadequate.

However, in our lives, we need to build healthy self-esteem in

order to live productive and happy lives.  Here I have listed five
ways that you can start to build healthy self-esteem today.

1. Catch Yourself Comparing Yourself to Others

Comparing yourself to others can be extremely detrimental to building
healthy self-esteem.

In our society, it is quite easy to compare ourselves to others, but it is something we

must learn to move away from. When we compare ourselves to others—whether it
be about looks, personality, or job status—we end up feeling inadequate.

We start to feel that we are just not good enough. Instead of comparing yourself to
others, it is important to remind yourself of all the positive qualities you possess.
When you recognize that you are a unique person who has a lot to offer to the
world, you will feel your sense of self-esteem rising.

Comparing yourself to others is often linked to negative self-talk, which is another

thing you must be mindful of.

See our pages:  Developing a Positive Body Image  and  Status Anxiety  for more on this topic.

2. Turn Negative Self-Talk into Positive Self-Talk

Often when we compare ourselves to others we develop negative self-talk.
For example, if you meet someone who has the dream job you’ve always
wanted, you may start to feel inadequate and perhaps even insecure. For
many people, this is the time when the issue of negative self-talk begins.

Instead of feeling happiness for that other person, you compare yourself to them
and begin a very unhealthy dialogue of negative-self talk in your head. “I’m not
good enough” and “They are better than me” are examples of things you might tell
yourself at such times.

Unfortunately, when you speak to yourself like this, your self-esteem also starts to
suffer. You feel completely down and maybe even depressed.

Negative self-talk is not only limited to when we are comparing ourselves to others.
It can be about anything from trying to lose weight or starting a new hobby. This is
why it is important for you to find ways to re-frame the negative self-talk into
positive self-talk.

Instead of telling yourself that “You aren’t good enough”, you can tell yourself that
you have room to improve and grow. Or if you think someone is better than you,
you can learn to compliment them and learn from them. When you find the way to
re-frame your negative self-talk, you will start to see your self-esteem improve as
well.  In order to truly develop healthy self-esteem, you need to be mindful of and
monitor the dialogue you have with yourself. 

Read more at: https://www.skillsyouneed.com/rhubarb/boost-self-esteem.html

3. Surround Yourself with Positive People

Our self-esteem is not only limited to our own internal feelings, but is also
linked to the types of people we surround ourselves with.

When we have positive people in our life, people who will support our goal and life
journey, we also feel positive and motivated. This in turn helps us to develop
healthy self-esteem.

When we want to develop healthy self-esteem we need to surround ourselves with

the type of people who will help us to feel good about ourselves.  Find people who
will support you and help you reach the goals you set in your life. These types of
people will be the ones who will help you to boost and build healthy self-esteem.
4. Create a List of All the Wonderful Things You’ve
Done to Remind Yourself You are a Great Person
This is something that can be done on slips of paper or within a journal you keep.
Every time you have a moment of feeling good about yourself you should jot it
down in writing.

On the days when you are not feeling so great about yourself, you can take a look
at this list. This list will serve as a reminder that you are capable of doing great
things in your life. In turn, this will help you to feel more confident and positive and
help boost your self-esteem.

Read more at: https://www.skillsyouneed.com/rhubarb/boost-self-esteem.html

5. Be Mindful of Your Body Language

Body language plays a significant role in how we feel about ourselves, even if we
are not consciously aware. Becoming aware of our body language is an important
realization we must make if we want to develop healthy self-esteem.

It is important to walk and sit with your posture upright, with your shoulders rolled
back. You should also try not to cross your arm when speaking to others, because
this can make you appear guarded. With positive body language, not only will you
appear more confident, but you will also feel more confident.

Eye contact is something else that will help you to develop healthy self-esteem. Low
self-esteem is often connected with looking away from others when speaking. Don’t
worry if you struggle with this now—it is something you can learn to do over time.
To begin with, you can start to maintain eye contact with close friends and
colleagues you are comfortable with. Over time it will become a natural habit.
Maintaining eye contact will make you appear more confident to others, which
should help you to feel more confident about yourself as well.
6. Set Realistic Goals for Yourself
Setting goals for yourself will allow you to reach milestones in your life that will help
you to feel more confident and inspired. When we reach goals, we are able to truly
believe in ourselves which in turn helps us to boost our self-esteem.

It is important, however, that we set realistic goals that we are able to achieve. By
making your goals realistic and specific, you are setting yourself up for success and
ultimately boosting your self-esteem.

See our page  Setting Personal Goals  for more information.

7. Practice Self-Forgiveness to Experience Self-Love

In order to develop healthy self-esteem, we must be able to truly forgive ourselves
for things in our life that didn’t turn out the way we expected. This may be about
regrets we have, or goals we weren’t able to reach.

Life is a journey and we should not see our past failures as negative experiences,
because they help us to learn what to do right the next time. When we are able to
forgive ourselves we can develop self-love. This sense of self-love helps us to
develop healthy self-esteem that cannot be shaken by extrinsic factors. It allows us
to feel empowered and confident in our lives.

Read more at: https://www.skillsyouneed.com/rhubarb/boost-self-esteem.html

The Journey to Healthy Self-Esteem

It is important to remember that you are in control of your
self-esteem.

By becoming aware of that, you can truly start the journey in your life to
feeling confident in anything you do.

Working with these tips will help you develop the skills you need to truly
experience healthy self-esteem and help you to take charge of your life.
Read more at: https://www.skillsyouneed.com/rhubarb/boost-self-esteem.html