The good-enough parent messages

(Jasmin Lee Cori, 2010. The emotionally absent mother)

I’m glad that you’re here.

“I’m glad that you’re here” is an important first message for a child to hear.
This message is communicated through behaviors that tell the child she is
valued and wanted. Many believe that this fundamental sense of being
wanted begins in utero. Certainly there are many moments in children’s
lives in which they feel either wanted or not. I would suggest that this is not
an all-or-nothing experience but rather a matter of degree and that isolated
moments of feeling unwanted can be counterbalanced to a great extent by a
larger stream of experiences where the child feels valued.
The message “I’m glad you’re here” helps us be glad that we’re here. It helps
us feel comfortable taking up space and being in our bodies.

I see you.
A mother conveys “I see you” primarily through accurate mirroring and
attuned responsiveness. She knows, for instance, what we like and what we
don’t. She knows what our interests are and how we feel about things. Being
seen is being known.

You are special to me.

The message “You are special to me” (usually not said in words) tells us that
we are valued and prized. As is true with other messages, this needs to be
paired with the sense of being seen for who we are so that we do not
associate specialness with some superficial, external quality or image.

I respect you.
A mother communicates “I respect you” when she supports a child’s
uniqueness, doesn’t try to control when there is no need to, accepts the
child’s preferences and decisions, and communicates that she values what
she sees in the child. Children who feel respected and loved in a genuine
way will have permission to discover and express their unique self rather
than mirror the parent(s) or conform to some parental blueprint.

I love you.
“I love you” is often conveyed by these simple words yet needs to be
experienced as sincere and authentic in order to have meaning. Many
children hear these words several times a day; others go a lifetime without
them. It is important that they not be perceived as manipulative and not
paired with requiring something of the child. Love is probably most
effectively communicated by nonverbal means, including touch, tone of
voice, eyes and facial expression, body language, and attentiveness. When
the environment provides a secure sense of holding and containment (such
as provided through boundaries and rules), this also feels like love.

Your needs are important to me. You can turn to me for help.
“Your needs are important to me” expresses a sense of priority. It’s not just
that Mother is saying, “I’ll take care of you because I have to” or “when I get
to it,” but “because this is actually important.” With this message, we get the
sense that Mother’s attentiveness comes out of love and genuine caring.
“You can turn to me for help” gives permission; it says you don’t have to
hide your needs or try to take care of them yourself.

I am here for you. I’ll make time for you.

“I am here for you” is a way of saying, “You can count on me. I’m not going
to disappear on you.” Often this will relate to specific needs, but beyond
that, it means “I am here as a consistent presence in your life.” This
supports a sense of relaxation and trust. A related message would be “I’ll
make time for you.” It expresses availability, priority, and valuing.
Unfortunately, too many children feel that their parents don’t have time for
them.

I’ll keep you safe.

“I’ll keep you safe” could also be expressed as “I’ll protect you. I won’t let you
be hurt or overwhelmed (unnecessarily).” A sense of safety is essential for a
child to be able to relax and explore. Without safety, we may never learn to
really go out into the world. Without our caretaker’s protection, our only
protection is to stay small and build defensive structures into our
personality.

You can rest in me.

“You can rest in me” is a way of saying several things. First, it implies a
protected space; if you have to be on guard, you can’t really rest. It also
implies availability (Mother needs to be here to rest in) and acceptance. It is
a way of saying, “With me, you can be at home.” We all want a place where
we can be totally ourselves, where we don’t have to perform, and where we
feel soothed and comforted in the company of another.

I enjoy you. You brighten my heart.

“I enjoy you” is an affirmation of the child’s preciousness. We want not only
to be respected but also to know that others take pleasure in our very being.
The message “You brighten my heart” supports the child’s presence and
inner light. It helps build a sense of value and confidence.