Everybody in the entire world has a problem experiencing impulses that they can't control

yours might be updating your Facebook page or mine is checking political news every 5
minutes might be buying stuff that you don't need or your impulses might come in the form of
reactivity like flipping people off in traffic or overreacting when somebody disses you now
what I'm going to do today is teach you a tool that will enable you to restrain to control your
impulses whenever they come up and in order to learn the tool what I want you to do is pick
an Impulse that you generally have a hard time with so just close your eyes for a moment
and pick an Impulse that you typically give into it's hard for you to resist it might be eating
sweets texting while you're driving calling next lover when you're lonely whatever it is just
pick one for right now and recreate the impulse right now as if it's happening in real time and
feel the impelling quality of it and you can open your eyes when you're ready so just like you
to share with me what impulse did you choose my son's there and there's this ash gray full of
cigarette and he's telling me about his day how great he's doing in school and instead of
acknowledging it the first thing I can take off is it'll be secret that ashtray?????? where you
have a hard time controlling yourself oh it was these were your cigarettes oh it's really hard
for you to restrain your reaction got it okay thank you for clarifying and what is the price that
you pay when you give into that impulse does it create an argument between the two got it
so you're kind of hitting him with something negative when he's trying to that's great that's it
that's a great example and it's also a really good example of how despite the price and you
kind of know cuz it's happened before we still give in to these impulses with with some of her
behavior like when she starts yelling at her brother or sometimes we're out at a restaurant
and and she can't sit still to the point where you know drinks get spilled and things like that
it's really hard for me not to impulsively you know raise my voice or or if it was
consequences or something like that as opposal doing the program right right should I
repeat that okay so his daughter has ADHD sounds like it's it's difficult she's impulsive she
gives into her impulses easily and he has a problem containing his own impulse to get down
on her and to punish her impose consequences when he should be following the program
that the therapy is is recommending and what is it what is the price that you pay for giving
into that impulse right you feel bad right okay so the price is it's not getting the results that he
wants because it's not effective with an ADD ADHD kid to come down on them that hard and
then you also feels bad about himself for forgiving into the impulse those are great examples
and you know most of you most of us all are aware of the price that we pay for impulses if
you overeat you endanger your health if you party too much you wake up exhausted the
next day and you can't get much done if you are an almost all impulses carry with them the
price that you pointed out which is when we give into them very soon afterwards we feel See
we typically you know in the case of a donut or a cookie or whatever we typically think what's
the harm I mean one extra slice of cake isn't going to kill me and there's truth to that
obviously one extra slice of cake is not going to kill you however the pat

I'm going to start with a story this couple walks into my office Marty Susan they seem like a
nice couple they've they're seeking Psychotherapy because they're having trouble with their
teenage daughter Ashley who's spending too much money on clothes and Susan I'm
thinking this is going to be a pretty easy case I'll just teach them how to set some limits you
know they'll probably blow it the first couple of times but then they'll come back in we'll work
with them and we'll be done you know maybe a month maybe a month and a half so Susan
starts the action off she turns to Marty and she says I promised Ashley I wouldn't tell you
what she did Marty says see doc this is the problem I want to solve the problems she just
wants to hide the problems solve problems you are the problem you're temper is the reason
I had to promise Ashley I wouldn't tell you she stole money from my purse our daughter is
turning into a criminal and and you keep it a secret from me this is why a whole house is out
of control he says he doesn't want me secrets but every night he goes out to the Cod clubs
and gambles away our life savings and what are you doing at night dragging a tub of ice
cream out of the freezer I only started gambling so I wouldn't have to watch you stuff your fat
face this is going to be a tad more difficult than I had initially anticipated everybody in the
family had a problem with self-control Marty had a temper Gambler Susan had a eating
problem couldn't stop herself from confiding in her daughter and their daughter Ashley was
really falling through the cracks I mean she was spending too much money she was also
lying and stealing so things were beginning to fall apart so why am I telling you all of this
besides the fact that I need practice on my accents I'm telling you this because everybody in
this room everybody in the entire world has a problem experiencing impulses that they can't
control yours might be updating your Facebook page or mine is checking political news
every 5 minutes might be buying stuff that you don't need or your impulses might come in
the form of reactivity like flipping people off in traffic or overreacting when somebody disses
you now what I'm going to do today is teach you a tool that will enable you to restrain to
control your impulses whenever they come up and in order to learn the tool what I want you
to do is pick an Impulse that you generally have a hard time with so just close your eyes for
a moment and pick an Impulse that you typically give into it's hard for you to resist it might
be eating sweets texting while you're driving calling an ex lover when you're lonely whatever
it is just pick one for right now and recreate the impulse right now as if it's happening in real
time and feel the impelling quality of it and you can open your eyes when you're ready so
just like you to share with me what impulse did you choose yeah??????? a hard time
controlling yourself oh it was these were your cigarettes oh it's really hard for you to restrain
your reaction got it okay thank you for clarifying and what is the price that you pay when you
give into that impulse does it create an argument between the two got it so you're kind of
hitting him with something negative when he's trying to that's great that's it that's a great
example it's also a really good example of how despite the price and you kind of know cuz
it's happened before we still give in to these impulses Daughter has ADHD sounds like it's
it's difficult she's impulsive she gives into her impulses easily and he has a problem
containing his own impulse to get down on her and to punish her or impose consequences
when he should be following the program that the therapy is is recommending and what is it
what is the price that you pay for giving into that impulse right ….Doing it and I don't feel very
good about you feel bad right okay so the price is it's he's not getting the results that he
wants because it's not effective with an ADD ADHD kid to come down on them that hard and
then you also feels bad about himself or forgiving into the impulse those are great examples
and you know most of you most of us all are aware of the price that we pay for impulses if
you endanger your health if you party too much you wake up exhausted the next day and
you can't get much done if you are an almost all impulses carry with them the price that you
pointed out which is when we give in to them very soon afterwards we feel terrible about
ourselves because it's kind of like why why couldn't I control myself I know that's the wrong
thing to do I don't know if any of you have ever had the experience of getting drunk at night
and then the next morning it's like oh I hate myself you know kind of thing it's very classic so
what I want to point out is that there's also a more subtle price that we pay for giving in to
impulses see we typically you know in the case of a donut or a cookie or whatever we
typically think what's the harm I mean one extra slice of cake isn't going to kill me and there's
truth to that obviously one extra slice of cake is not going to kill you however the pattern of
giving into one harmless urge after another has a serious effect on your life what it really
does is it diminishes your future now that might seem like an exaggeration but think about it
everybody in this room has things that they want to accomplish in the future they have
dreams and aspirations anything that you want to accomplish in the future requires you to
delay gratification in the present so I treat a lot of Hollywood screenwriters if you want to
write a screenplay you have to not switch over to the internet and look at cute cat videos if
you want an intimate relationship and build a relationship that's really honest and open you
have to not secretly whack off to pornography if you are in a race to create a startup and
you're getting drunk every night and the other guy isn't he's going to win the race all right so
to put the whole thing in other way the pattern of giving into impulses is dangerous because
no one impulse looks like it's going to destroy your future but you're what you're really doing
is making your life about self-gratification rather than about self-actualization actually
bringing your Ambitions to fruition if you want to say it another way Self Indulgence is a kind
of an invisible acid that eats away against your aspirations … That eats away against your
aspirations so given the price that we pay why do we give in and this is a question that's
always interested me you know I'm a smart person I know that sugar cookies are not good
for me they're like they don't do anything good for me And yet when I want one I take one
despite that knowledge you won't even better example Anthony Weiner a guy with 140 or
150 IQ who despite he must have known that he was going to destroy his political future and
yet he gives in and texts pictures of himself to a young woman it's it's kind of crazy that
impulses have the power to override our rational mind so what is it that gives impulses so
much power well the answer is going to sound a little strange but just keep an open mind
every human being has an emptiness inside of them not talking about a physical emptiness
but I'm talking about a psychic emptiness like a psychological emptiness of feeling of
incompleteness some of you may have been aware of it at least in adolescence or young
adulthood where you just felt like you weren't enough and you needed validation friends hits
on your social media page money whatever it was to fill you up inside and make you whole
and complete does that make sense to you so either way whether you're aware of this inner
emptiness or not it's this inner emptiness that makes us give in to impulses what we're really
trying to do is fill ourselves up in the outside world to fill up this hole that's inside of us if you
don't and by the way think about it if there weren't this inner emptiness that I'm talking about
we wouldn't feel impelled note the same route as impulse we wouldn't feel impelled to get
what we want it would just be a choice rather than an Impulse it would be like I can take it or
leave it now if you don't believe me watch a little kid who's been told he can't have
something that he wants whether it's a sugary drink or a toy that he wants or another ride on
your back when a little kid gets no for an answer he falls apart The Angst and the grief and
the sadness and the panic and the anger and the frustration that's his way of saying I need
this to fill me up I must have it I'm not going to live without it now obviously unfortunately
adults have learned to repress that reaction it would be unfortunate if we didn't but it's still
down there and if you don't believe me try sometime to stop yourself from getting something
you really want and not letting yourself have it and just use it as a self exploration exercise
you'll see those little kid feelings of frustration come up and that's evidence of that of that
emptiness so the takeaway from all of this is we are impelled to get or to do things in the
outside world again impelled to do them because we're trying to fill something up inside now
and by the way with all due respect for Nancy Reagan who I'm sure was a really nice person
Infamous other calls
Just saying no is the stupidest Paul protocols in prescription I ever heard of just say no are
you kidding if just say no we're enough we wouldn't have a weight loss industry that's worth
over $175 billion dollars we'd all just start saying no and put it out of business right away
right impulses have a tremendous power that completely overrides that rational just say no
attitude okay any questions so far by the way please feel free to interrupt me yeah …
pergunta… My answer to that and and I'm going to get into this you know much more deeply
later on there's living in the present and living in the present in other words living in the
present doesn't have to mean that you give into every impulse you get in the present living
part of your responsibility living in the present is choosing which impulse or Instinct you're
going to follow in the present some of those impulses you just know are really bad for you
others may be creative ideas or instincts that will create something in the future but they give
you pleasure doing it in the present I mean I love public speaking I would never indulge my
impulses right now but I love what I'm doing because I'm sort of fulfilling my life's purpose
and I'm totally in the present I'm not even thinking about the future even though doing this
may build my prospects in the future in some way does that make sense to you you can live
in the present without giving into your impulses in the present if you want to put it another
way part of your responsibility living in the present is to work on yourself and to be aware of
what you're doing and whether it works in your interests or not in your interests any other
questions … pergunta Has some sort of emptiness inside of them I've never met anyone
who doesn't you know in some sense obviously we do a really good job of covering it over
for all of us even from our cells but I do believe because I have treated hard hardcore
addicts who have spent their entire lives filling that emptiness that they have a bigger hole
because they've been trying to fill it in the wrong place the more you try to fill it me outside
world the deeper and the more empty you feel inside and if you've ever met a really
hardcore addict it's so sad because what initially they thought was going to give them so
much pleasure and did for maybe the first time the first five times or whatever is now just
become it's just enslaved them nothing given that impulses are fueled by this compulsion to
fill ourselves up inside how the hell do we control them I mean they have this tremendous
power behind them well let's just talk about what doesn't work which is the way we normally
try to control our impulses we get into a power struggle essentially with ourselves I want it I
can't have it I want it I can't have it I want it I'm not going to let myself have it okay notice that
that approach Keeps Us focused on the thing that I want let's say a sugar cookie and I either
succeed in controlling myself or I fail but even if I succeed and I don't have the sugar cookie
I haven't dealt with the whole inside of me so very likely if you're me the fact that I've
succeeded this time means the next sugar cookie I'm going to say now I get a reward cuz I
control I was so good last time okay so long term this does not work as a way of controlling
yourself sheer willpower I'm nothing against willpower but it doesn't work as a program for
truly controlling your impulses so what would happen if instead of struggling over the sugar
cookie I said I give it up it's never going to fill me up inside after all it never has if I have one
on Tuesday I still want one on Wednesday and Thursday and Friday so what if I just gave up
on the outside world anything in the outside world ever feeling me up inside and instead
what if I shifted my focus inside and just stared into the emptiness now I know that sounds
very weird and probably a little scary or depressing but that's where the magic starts
because it turns out if you stare into the inner emptiness long enough it's not empty there's
stuff in there in fact there's so much in there that you can start getting filled up from the
inside now I know this makes no logical sense whatsoever so what I'd like to do is have you
actually try to experience it cuz that's the best way to to start to actually believe these things
so try this close your eyes and just like in the last exercise pick an Impulse that you feel
really intensely and imagine feeling it right now you know one that's hard to resist again
sweets checking your email running a red light when you're in a hurry now imagine that you
are absolutely prohibited from getting what you want you just simply can't have it and make
the feelings of deprivation as intense as you can just like those little kid feelings we talked
about before now let go of the thing that you want forget about it completely it's as if it does
not exist and as you do imagine that the entire outside world disappears it's never going to
gratify you and instead shift your focus inside and just visualize a vast empty space stay
calm remember to breathe resist the temptation to look back into the outside world and if
anything just be curious about what's down there and you can open your eyes …Most
people interestingly enough actually start to sense some movement down there now even if
you didn't don't worry about it if you do this a number of times you'll see you'll actually start
to feel like how strange there's something down there Frederick Nietzsche said if you stare
into the abyss long enough it will stare back into you it's like there's something down there so
which way is the question how can nothingness turn into something this yes …Yeah and I
didn't get it from that but it is consistent with the notion that they're let me explain it my way
and then I think you'll see the connection to Buddhism which is because more Western way
to explain it is it's consistent with our notion of the unconscious think of the unconscious as a
realm that has things in it but you're not aware of it when we think of our unconscious we
can't see it we can't taste it smell it we don't know what's down there and yet we know that
it's down there because when we go to sleep at night we have produces dreams when we're
creatively frustrated we try to work at something work at something where is it suddenly
something appears it comes from the unconscious so this idea of something coming out of
the nothingness is completely consistent with the idea that there are parts of ourselves that
we don't know but they can actually feed us and fill us up with things now that's really
important because if you can tap into this unconscious resource that you have inside of you
then you're free then you not only you don't have to just deprive yourself of the things that
you want you won't really need them that much you'll feel whole and filled up from inside go
ahead …pergunta: - I'm just curious like how good is human nature in terms of just like
meditating into the inner self-conditionally because like there are certain things for example
like tempting for a dessert or like maybe anger issues things like that which you need to like
stop pause and like meditate like whatever suggestion that you gave and like assume that
you assume like that doesn't exist and you don't want but then for example like a little school
and it was not getting good score In like good score or like say somebody who's not happy
with their career if they just like kind of pause and say okay maybe I don't want to constantly
think about it and just be happy in what I do or what I have then there is like really no growth
for the other person either right got it let me make sure I'm understanding your question
because the question seems to do have to do with motivation if you're always satisfied with
what you have right now I think what you're asking is will that remove my motivation to
create anything in the future for myself or to fulfill any Ambitions that I have for myself in the
future yes yes It has to be applied and there are certain cases where they should not be
applied right so I'm just curious like in general like yes on a conditional Case by case basis
in my experience people are not only good at it they know it instantly they know pretty much
instantly that you know having a donut everyday is not going to help them fulfill their
Ambitions or smoking or texting constantly when they should be buckling down and
concentrating on something or you know distracting themselves or overreacting to
somebody because they're aware that they're paying a price for those things ambitions
you're you're right that to some degree we use impulse power to fuel our motivation and I
think you're right about that but in my experience and I've been doing this for 35 years when
I teach someone to control their worst impulses what really happens is they get in touch with
some part of themselves that wants to achieve it doesn't necessarily feel compelled to
achieve but it just wants to it wants to create something new in the world or fulfill itself in
some way through ART or you know whatever it is it's not that we are devoid of motivation
without impulses it's that we're devoid of that must have you know quality that really in a way
it kind of defies reality I mean you can say I must have but you can't always get you know
kind of thing or the getting can really be destructive for you is that answer the okay great so
again let me say it again this is really important if there's a way of converting The Emptiness
into something that can fill you up inside then you're really free again it transforms an
Impulse into a choice it's like I'm not compelled to get the cookie I can take it or leave it
which is a much nicer way to live all right did you have a question Does it ever happen when
you stare into the emptiness that something negative comes up instead of something
positive sometimes what comes up is just feelings of insecurity of incompleteness of
emptiness what I'm going to do is teach you a tool that has a specific procedure that
essentially negates that it doesn't it prevents that from happening in essence but what you're
asking has larger connotations which is when you work on Curbing or controlling your
impulses a lot of times what comes up or just real child like feelings of like wanting and not
being able to have things that we haven't really been aware of either because we've given
into the impulses or because we've repressed those feelings and those feelings you have to
own those and not act on them essentially so or explore them if they have other implications
in your life okay does that make sense okay good so in order to construct a tool that would
actually help people control their impulses what my co-author and I had to do was come up
with a symbol for this fullness that comes up from The Emptiness inside of you and the
symbol that we chose with a symbol of a black son it's just the Sun at the moment of a total
solar eclipse where the Moon is passed in front of the Sun so the disc is dark but you can
see the corona you can see the the sun shining from the you know corners of the disc and I'll
explain after I teach you the tool why we chose that as a symbol it's probably obvious but but
I'll explain that more you know that's that's what the tool is about so close your eyes and I
will walk you through this tool this is a tool that you're going to use whenever you feel
impelled to act on an urge so start with the little kid feelings of deprivation you want
something really badly and you simply can't have it you're going to deprive yourself and feel
those feelings of deprivation is intensely as you can then let go of the thing that you want
and with it let the entire outside world disappear it's just so no longer available to you as a
source and turn your attention inside yourself now there's no deprivation there's just this
inner emptiness just like we did before stay calm and just stare into the void now from the
deepest part of the Void imagine that a black son begins to ascend expanding slowly it
begins to fill you up with warm and Limitless energy let it keep coming up until you become
one with it and then turn your attention back to the outside world and as you do imagine that
the black sun energy overflows and bursts out shining on everyone and everything around
you just spend a little bit of time in this state where the black sun energy is coming up inside
of you and just pouring out of you out into the world it's almost in a sense like you have
become the Sun Ready any questions or comments on that could you feel it anybody
skeptical cuz feel free because I was completely skeptical of this stuff when I learned it like
30-35 years ago I thought it was a crock of s*** yeah so let me let me talk about that next let
me let me go through the tool in fact step by step and explain each step just to reinforce your
understanding of it when I get to the black Sun I'll explain why we came up with that
particular imagery cuz that's unusual it's like I wouldn't have expected that if I were you so
the first step of the tool is always to deprive yourself always to say no to the thing that you
are that you feel impelled to get if you're unwilling to deprive yourself what you really saying
is I can't live without it it's the only thing that's going to fill me up inside if you want to say it
another way you're kind of refusing to grow up you're giving into those little kid feelings of
deprivation so the first step is always to say no the second step is to turn inward is
essentially to give up on the outside world ever filling you up and instead have the courage
to face the emptiness that exists in every human being now if you're patient and you can just
stay calm what starts to happen is this black Sun begins to ascend from the depths now why
the Sun and why is it black we chose the Sun as a symbol because it's a symbol of infinite
energy light and life if you were the sun essentially what you'd be aware of is I'm just giving
energy out and I don't expect anything back I'm only getting back my own reflected light so it
has this quality of infinite potential Infinite Energy something that can fill you up from the
inside we decided to make it black to remind you that you have essentially eclipsed this sun
for most of your life because you've constantly looked for what you need from the outside
world essentially the you've allowed the outside world to eclipse this son it's not to make you
feel guilty it's just to remind you oh yeah this is a resource that I constantly forget about I've
plunged it into the darkness and as the black sun rises it's a fuses you with warmth warmth
is actually a very significant and underused symbol in in Modern Life coldness means you're
alone alone in a completely mechanistic Universe warmth means there's something inside of
you that has life in it something inside of you that can actually help you you're not alone
trying to control your impulses so the warmth just gives you that feeling of oh there's help
essentially the overall Arc of the tool is very very important because think about it think about
how the tool starts and then How It Ends what it does is it reverses the flow of your energy
you start the tool by wanting to take something in you end the tool by putting energy out this
is really important because it reveals a secret of human nature which is that the solution to
Our Endless Quest to get more is actually to give more to give more of ourselves in 12-step
groups which are really the most successful groups in curbing addiction they codify this
principle in the idea of service they ask their members to be of service to one another and of
the larger Community because what they've discovered is the more I give to others the less I
need the more I'm filled up from within essentially so that's another very important principle
in the tool is we're shifting from a an incorporative materialistic mode of I'm incomplete and I
need more more more to actually don't need more to the extent that I get more it's great I'm
not going to be unhappy about it but I don't need it you know kind of thing and that's the key
to taking the sting out of out of impulses now I have a couple of tips for just getting the most
that you can out of the tool first obviously you have to kind of memorize it before you Try to
use it or else you forget especially in the face of an Impulse so it doesn't take long but if you
remember you can buy the book coming alive or if you email us we can send you a hand out
to it but it's it's easy to learn you practice it a bunch of times and and then you can use it and
you want to use it as soon as your subject to an Impulse so I want the sugar cookie I want to
overreact whatever it is that's when I use the tool now start with small Temptations you don't
want to use the tool for the first time in front of an all you can eat buffet cuz you're just
setting yourself up for failure start with little things I started with just imaginary Temptations
things that I imagine I would be subject to or would want an hour from now or tomorrow or
whatever just to build up my facility with the tool another tip tools don't always work the first
time there are some impulses that are so powerful that I have to use the tool five times in a
row to stop myself and there's nothing wrong with that that's not a failure if you use it 10
times in a row and stop yourself to giving into an Impulse that's a victory and finally even
then even if you become an expert practitioner of the black Sun tool it won't work 100% of
the time there is nothing that works 100% of the time with impulses all right but if you can
even use the black Sun tool over the next month and give in 50% less than you do now you'll
see huge changes in your life and I what I'd like to do is spend the next bit of time just talking
about the benefits of self control so what can you expect to get if you learn this level of self-
restraint that I'm talking about let's just remind ourselves that we don't usually think of self-
control as rewarding we think of it as the best I can hope for is I feel really frustrated that I
didn't get what I wanted you know kind of thing we end up feeling deprived the black Sun
tool teaches us something different it's saying that there is so much potential energy
lightness inside of us that we won't actually end up feeling deprived will actually end up with
Benefits we end up feeling more fulfilled and I want to talk about three specific benefits the
first is a sense of freedom the second is a sense of confidence and the third is leadership
which I'm simply going to Define as the ability to have a positive impact on the people
around you so let's talk about Freedom First self-restraint sets you free now I know that
sounds like a Zen Cohen or some neologism from Orwell's 1984 you know war is peace
ignorance but it's true self restraint sets you free now why does it sound so strange because
we think of Freedom as we get to do whatever we want whenever we want to essentially we
think of Freedom as Freedom From Outer rules and restrictions And restrictions anyone
who's ever gone 90 miles an hour on the way to Vegas knows this feeling it's I'm free I mean
it's fabulous okay the problem is you might get killed you could get incarcerated but even
worse next time 90 ain't going to do it you got to go 95 and the time after that you got to go
to 100 this is the strange demonic Paradox of that type of Freedom which is it doesn't end up
creating a sense of Freedom it actually ends up enslaving you think of a drug addict starts
off like I can do anything I want ends up I just need it every f****** day so this is the strange
Paradox of the way we think of freedom because we've missed defined it real freedom is not
Freedom From Outer rules and restrictions in our freedom is in her it's the freedom from
impulses think about what an Impulse is it is a compelling force that tells you you must do
something or must have something well if you must then you're not free so as strange as it
sounds the more self-control you exercise the Freer Are you actually feel any of you are
interested in philosophy like I am there's philosophical precedent for this in Frederick
nietzschees the the German philosophers concept of the Ubermensch which is horribly
mistranslated into the Superman and made for some bad times and Nazi Germany when it
was misappropriated and exploited terribly but what if you read Nietzsche in the original what
he really meant by The uberman Who Could Master the lowest parts of himself someone
who could overcome the worst aspects of himself and in the freedom that he gained from his
own lower parts he could become the person he was meant to be it was in her Freedom
inner mastery now closely related to the idea of freedom is the idea of confidence let me
demonstrate that this way it's almost 1st of January January 1st New Year's we all make
resolutions on January 1st let's say my New Year's resolution is I'm really going to cut down
on sugars and carbs this year this year this is the year I'm going to lose weight I'm really
going to watch what I eat okay and let's say on January 4th I have a donut and on January
5th I have five donuts and by January 7th I forgot about the whole resolution which is usually
what happens right how confident can I be think about it a big part of confidence is self-
credibility do I believe the commitments I make to myself if the answer is yes if I make a
commitment I am going to carry it through I will be confident but most people sadly can't say
that if they're honest with themselves they'll admit and make a commitment to myself I'm
good for a day maybe two days by day three I'm already cheating and I'm by day five I've
forgotten I even made the commitment it is mathematically impossible to have confidence in
yourself if you can't even carry out the commitments you make to yourself and it's impulses
that he rode your ability to carry out those commitments because they stop you I have a
couple of quotes on this that I think are particularly you know pithy about it Leonardo da
Vinci said you will never have a greater or lesser Dominion than that over yourself the height
of a person's success is gauged by his self mastery the depth of his failure by his self
abandonment so it's Mastery over self Mastery over impulses loud sue the founder of taoism
said it even more succinctly he who conquers others is strong but he who conquers himself
is mighty that's the true strength and finally leadership again I'm going to define leadership
as just the ability to have a positive impact on those around you whether it's your family your
co-workers or the community at large and I'm going to give you a micro example and a
macro example brings us back to Susan and Marty the crazy couple that I introduced you to
at the beginning these were parents who were trying to get their daughter to control her
impulses when every day she saw them giving in to their impulses so obviously they could
not be good leaders so as a therapist I said we're not working on your daughter I'm sorry but
we're working on you you have to use the black Sun tool Marty to control your temper and to
control your gambling you Susan have to use the black Sun tool to control your your eating
and you're confiding in your daughter and fortunately what their daughter's life is staying they
worked really hard on themselves so pretty quickly they actually gain some control over
themselves that also enabled them to talk to one another without constantly getting into an
argument and then they could agree on limits that they could set with their daughter and
their daughter could feel that they were actually credibly setting those limits because they
weren't reactive or impulsive they were simply look this is the rule if you steal money you
spend too much money you're allowance disappears you know what whatever the limits
were so they became leaders within their family and you don't have to have a family to
witness this happening Recommend that you use the black Sun tool every single time you
have an impulse and watch the people around you over the next two weeks or 4 weeks you
will see them paying more respect to you and you'll even see them emulating you even if
they have no idea that you're using this tool they'll just get the vibe of a person who has
more Authority I've seen it over and over again now let me give you a macro example this is
an example of a movement that because it had an extraordinary degree of self-restraint was
actually able to have a tremendous impact on the whole society I'm talking about the early
civil rights movement of the late 50s and early 60s I've studied this because I've met with
one of the leaders of that movement Reverend James Lawson who brought Gandhi and
nonviolent techniques to the Civil Rights Movement he basically taught those techniques to
Martin Luther King and John Lewis and what's amazing about that movement is that it was
its success was because it was incredibly disciplined there were absolutely no spontaneous
demonstrations every single demonstration was meticulously planned participants were
vetted and sometimes rejected or moved to other positions if they couldn't control
themselves the goals of the movement were kept very limited of course they wanted to
desegregate the entire South the schools the neighborhoods the government everything
instead they picked one lunch counter in one department store in one town and decided to
have a sit in there and they pick the department store based on the fact that a lot of black
shopped at that department store because they know they were going to end up having to
boycott that department store so very limited targeted goals that then they were able to
expand to other goals and the most dramatic example of self restraint was that they train
themselves to not respond to physical and verbal assaults not only from White bystanders
but from the police they remained polite and soft-spoken at all times you want an even more
dramatic example gandians Gandhi's movement in India an entire national movement of
millions most of them had never met Gandhi remained for the most part peaceful and
nonviolent and they brought down the British Empire the bottom line here is if you want to
have an enduring impact on the people around you your family your co-workers or the
society at large you must practice self-restrained you must learn to control your impulses
and when you do you're not only improve your own life you actually send out a Rippling
wave of self-contained energy to those around you who want to emulate that I want to spend
a little bit of time just about our society and where we're at because let's be honest impulse
control is kind of had an all-time low I shouldn't I shouldn't laugh but it is kind of ridiculous I
mean in preparation for this Workshop I tried to think of one single major cultural or
governmental Institution that hasn't been infected with the disease of Self Indulgence and I
couldn't think of a single one organized religion you've got Catholic pedophilus you know
scandals Sports you've got doping Penn State pedophilia violence against women banking I
remember when I was growing up in the '50s bankers were like I thought they were the most
conservative people in the world I mean if I'm going to start a rock band I'm calling it Wells
Fargo in the Wolves of Wall Street it's just it's crazy government I didn't want to have it's just
a cesspool it's accessible whatever and whatever you think of trump he cannot restrain
himself from these early morning tweets even when they defeat his own cause that's lack of
impulse control I'm not sure why anyone ever looked up to the entertainment industry but the
entertainment industry is again a kind of a cesspool the Press there have been sexual
harassment scandals at Fox NBC NPR I didn't even know they had sex at NPR just like who
would think of it my point is that every institution that we might want to look up Role models
is already infected with the disease it looks like we're going to have to be the antibodies okay
clearly the change isn't going to come from top down in a sense the change has to come
from us or isn't is Gandhi said it we must be the change we wish to see in the world now the
good news is if you believe Carl Jung we are all connected to one another this is inherent in
his notion of a collective unconscious that there's a realm in which all of us sort of share the
same mythologies the same imagery the same the same sense that we're all connected
which means that if we can work really hard on ourselves we may actually affect the rest of
the society never doubt that a small group of committed citizens can change an entire
society and she added it's the only thing that ever has so just as an end exercise here I want
to give you a taste for what we as a group could create in terms of the spirit of self-restrained
So Close Your Eyes and I'm going to run you through the black Sun tool one one last time
and then I'm going to add some stuff at the end so once again start with the feeling of
deprivation those little kid feelings of not getting what you want and feel them as intensely as
you can now let go of the thing that you want and with it let the entire outside world
disappear and redirect your attention inside yourself face the void be calm just be curious
about it and imagine the black Sun begins to ascend from the deepest part of the Void
expanding slowly it fills you with its warm and Limitless energy now redirect your attention
back to the outside world and let the black sun energy surge out of you in a flow of infinite
giving to everyone around you now I'd like you to imagine that everyone around you is also
using the tool so their generating light encouraging you to shine brighter and your light is
encouraging them to shine brighter And what I'd like you to Imagine Next is that the light
coalesces and essentially forms a sun rising above the center of the room more powerful
than anything that we could create each of us on our own and imagine that that sun can
reach Beyond this room and shine on the entire Society now in a few minutes we'll disperse
and go our own separate ways but imagine that the power of the sun remains available to all
of us as we battle our own individual impulses on our own in a way it reaffirms an enduring
truth which is we are never completely on our own And when you're ready you can open
your eyes thank you so much for coming I really appreciate it