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1,000 Ways to Say Penis

Behold: The biggest dick list on the internet.

by Cole F.M. | June 21, 2015

M any of my friends have heard rumors of this list. I've mentioned it, quoted it, even
shown glimpses of the ;nished product to some. I've offhandedly mentioned it to many
people, usually in reference to, “No, really, you don't seem to get just exactly how unproductive I
am with my free time.”

And now I've ;nally posted it.

The story of the “Thousand Names for Dick” begins like most of my stories, with me drunkenly
cursing at someone I just met. It was in Germany a while back, and me and a German fellow
who's name I unfortunately can't remember, were doing what many a great mind have done in
the past: get shitfaced and talk about curse words.

We had gotten onto the topic of how certain languages sort of have “their” curse word. The one
that is used most frequently, creatively and… eloquently, in a certain language is the winner. We
agreed that “fuck” was the curse word of the English language, and we were totally right. I mean,
fuck, right?

I proposed that “shit” was the universal German curse word. And really, I still hold that it is. They
say “shit-(whatever)” with wondrous regularity in a variety of situations, and it doesn't even
seem to be that rude (they can say it on TV, for instance).

But the drunken Deutscher seated across from me countered my well thought out proposal in a
way that I can not only agree with, but utterly respect.

“Dicks!” he yelled, drunkenly, like a scholar.

He suggested that German had more ways of saying “penis” then any other language.

“Bullshit!” I retorted, slamming my arms angrily on the table in a thoughtful manner. “I can come
up with a thousand ways to say ‘dick' in English! I'll make a fucking list!”

He laughed. Laughed!

How naive.

So the night came and went, but the next day, I remembered my vow.

I remembered.

So the next day, I wrote about dicks.

Over the coming weeks, I wrote about dicks.

In class, I wrote about dicks.

At the coffee shop, I wrote about dicks.

I wrote about dicks while sober and I wrote about dicks while drunk.

I wrote about dicks while sad, and I wrote about dicks while glad.

Dicks where written about with reckless abandon, and often without wearing pants (for
inspiration, you understand), and honestly, it only took a few weeks to compile a large (girthy, if
you will) list of one thousand different ways to reference male genitalia.

Some were actual names for the thing, some were remembered from different forms of media.
Some were uttered by friends, some by foes. A large portion were made up by me on the spot.

But regardless where they came from, they've all gathered here, on this internet, to be gazed
upon by you in all of their stiff, veiny glory.

Behold, ladies and gentlemen, Damen und Herren, in no particular order…

The Dick List

YZ[ Groin Gouger

\Z[ Pork Whistle

^Z[ Purple Pneumatic Drill

_Z[ Choad

aZ[ Joystick

cZ[ Peen

dZ[ Tubesnake

eZ[ Spitting Cobra

fZ[ Schlort

YgZ[ Plonker

YYZ[ Shrinky Dink

Y\Z[ The D

Y^Z[ Womb Broom

Y_Z[ Vagina Miner

YaZ[ Mr. Snifhes

YcZ[ Taco Warmer

YdZ[ Vlad the Impaler

YeZ[ Vomit Rod

YfZ[ Clam Hammer

\gZ[ Mutton Dagger

\YZ[ Gash Mallet

\\Z[ Sludge Pump

\^Z[ Uncle Reamus

\_Z[ Woody Womb Pecker

\aZ[ Lincoln Log

\cZ[ Cervix Crusader

\dZ[ Piss Pump

\eZ[ Cheeky Monkey

\fZ[ Puff the One-Eyed Dragon

^gZ[ Dinky

^YZ[ John Thomas

^\Z[ Peeper

^^Z[ Thrill Drill

^_Z[ Pink Tractor Beam

^aZ[ Yoo-Hoo

^cZ[ Russel the One-Eyed Wonder Weasel

^dZ[ Dome Head

^eZ[ Captain Winky

^fZ[ Agent Hosepipe

_gZ[ Squinty Blow-pop

_YZ[ Old Man Drizzle

_\Z[ The Goods

_^Z[ Wrinklebeast

__Z[ Elevator

_aZ[ Private Washington Monument

_cZ[ The Pendulum

_dZ[ Gods Pinkey Finger

_eZ[ Puking Flesh Weasel

_fZ[ Tadpole Torpedo

agZ[ Sin Stick

aYZ[ Rolling Pin

a\Z[ Satan Scepter

a^Z[ Temptation Turtle

a_Z[ Fat Kidney

aaZ[ Magic Pipe

acZ[ Cupids Arrow

adZ[ Drizzle Spout

aeZ[ Love Lure

afZ[ Satan's Shovel

cgZ[ Musky Man Candy

cYZ[ Tickle Badger

c\Z[ Mr. Missile

c^Z[ Man Telescope

c_Z[ Mr. Happy

caZ[ Lap Lizard

ccZ[ Friction Whistle

cdZ[ Atomic Turtle

ceZ[ Mr. Bojangles

cfZ[ Boney Macaroni

dgZ[ Firecracker

dYZ[ Dirty Dowsing Rod

d\Z[ Baby Leg

d^Z[ Pocket Shot Glass

d_Z[ Spring-Loaded Nose-Slapper

daZ[ The Ugliest Flower

dcZ[ Erector

ddZ[ Fuck Piston

deZ[ Finger Food

dfZ[ Thermonuclear Rod

egZ[ Fountain of “Youth”

eYZ[ Twinkie

e\Z[ Denim Narwhal

e^Z[ Hershey Bar

e_Z[ Submarine

eaZ[ Loveworm

ecZ[ Laugh Stick

edZ[ Flex Rod

eeZ[ Musk Handle

efZ[ Fuck Geyser

fgZ[ Joker

fYZ[ Suppository

f\Z[ Apple Headed Beef Basher

f^Z[ Goat Bumper

f_Z[ A Bad Place To Snort Coke

faZ[ Puff Stick

fcZ[ Center Sweat Stain

fdZ[ Sergeant Slaughter

feZ[ Tirpitz

ffZ[ The Middle Muf;n-Top

YggZ[ The Business End

YgYZ[ It

Yg\Z[ Bald Butler

Yg^Z[ Bathtub Eel

Yg_Z[ Blood Sausage

YgaZ[ Dearest Member

YgcZ[ Fiddle-Bow

YgdZ[ Giggle Pin

YgeZ[ Gut Stick

YgfZ[ Poo-Flicker

YYgZ[ Dangus

YYYZ[ Bean Tosser

YY\Z[ Bone-Horn

YY^Z[ Gristle

YY_Z[ Jigger

YYaZ[ Joy Knob

YYcZ[ Life Preserver

YYdZ[ Gash Hook

YYeZ[ Mr. Clean

YYfZ[ Nimrod

Y\gZ[ Pink Pencil

Y\YZ[ Live Sausage

Y\\Z[ My Body's Captain

Y\^Z[ Pisser

Y\_Z[ Quickening Peg

Y\aZ[ Red Cap

Y\cZ[ Scepter

Y\dZ[ Tickle-Gizzard

Y\eZ[ Willie

Y\fZ[ Cupids Torch

Y^gZ[ Quiver Steak

Y^YZ[ Stump

Y^\Z[ Hunchback of Notre Dame

Y^^Z[ Milk Straw

Y^_Z[ Acorn Top

Y^aZ[ Yogurt Truck

Y^cZ[ The De-Virginator

Y^dZ[ The Monolith

Y^eZ[ Doughnut Holder

Y^fZ[ Beefy Ent

Y_gZ[ Thunder Piston

Y_YZ[ Spam Obelisk

Y_\Z[ Chum Rod

Y_^Z[ Jumbotron

Y__Z[ Man Puppet

Y_aZ[ Muscle Bound Shit Wrecker

Y_cZ[ Genghis Cock

Y_dZ[ Baby Batter Blaster

Y_eZ[ Red Hot Toy

Y_fZ[ Mr. Hornbag

YagZ[ Little Engine That Could

YaYZ[ Inhatable Poo-Jabber

Ya\Z[ Admiral Winkey

Ya^Z[ The Intruder

Ya_Z[ Bean Stalk

YaaZ[ Hangy-Downy

YacZ[ Jimmy Dean

YadZ[ Leaning Tower

YaeZ[ Bed Snake

YafZ[ Dr. Feelgood

YcgZ[ Wiggly Pogo-Stick

YcYZ[ Pee-Wee Herman

Yc\Z[ Beard-Splitter

Yc^Z[ Purple Turkey Baster

Yc_Z[ Sour Cream Rihe

YcaZ[ Sweet Meat

YccZ[ Blue Steel

YcdZ[ Blood Slug

YceZ[ Salty Drizzle-Stick

YcfZ[ Cum Gutter

YdgZ[ The Giving Tree

YdYZ[ Bow-Legged Swamp Donkey

Yd\Z[ The Ramburglar

Yd^Z[ Scepter of Sordid Affairs

Yd_Z[ Regurgitator

YdaZ[ E.T.'s Finger

YdcZ[ Meaty Maelstrom

YddZ[ Trickle Torpedo

YdeZ[ Blowpop

YdfZ[ Wrinklestiltskin

YegZ[ Spray Stick

YeYZ[ Pringle's Tube

Ye\Z[ Sriracha Dripper

Ye^Z[ Choady McMeatstick

Ye_Z[ Veiny Straw

YeaZ[ Drippy Paintbrush

YecZ[ Angry Buffet

YedZ[ The Eviscerator

YeeZ[ Tootsie Pop

YefZ[ Holy Grail

YfgZ[ Tremble Wand

YfYZ[ The Last Unicorn

Yf\Z[ Fuck Slug

Yf^Z[ Transformer

Yf_Z[ Fat Stick

YfaZ[ Flesh Hawk

YfcZ[ A Shitty Vibrator

YfdZ[ Flamingos Beak

YfeZ[ Dough Boy

YffZ[ Spice Shaker

\ggZ[ Pleasure Bud

\gYZ[ The Spanish Inquisition

\g\Z[ Bumble Muf;n

\g^Z[ Crotch Paddle

\g_Z[ Pool Stick

\gaZ[ Genetic Faucet

\gcZ[ Legwarmer

\gdZ[ Drill Sergeant

\geZ[ Toucan's Beak

\gfZ[ The Hole-Hungry Crotch Crocodile

\YgZ[ General McSexy

\YYZ[ Antenna With Shitty Reception

\Y\Z[ Dunce Hat

\Y^Z[ Lust Torch

\Y_Z[ Stink Twizzler

\YaZ[ Piss Dispenser

\YcZ[ One Flower Bouquet

\YdZ[ Laser Splitter

\YeZ[ Crunk Hammer

\YfZ[ Pink Kink Handle

\\gZ[ Floppy Meat Balloon

\\YZ[ Jenga Tower

\\\Z[ Hammy Toothpick

\\^Z[ Spelunker

\\_Z[ Goomba

\\aZ[ Vein-Bow

\\cZ[ Grunty Grunty Thrust Thrust

\\dZ[ Coiled Serpent

\\eZ[ Inside-the-Pants-Belt

\\fZ[ Snow Globe

\^gZ[ Flesh Auger

\^YZ[ Sticky Ass-Spackler

\^\Z[ Giggly Goblin

\^^Z[ Pork Lance

\^_Z[ Man Missile

\^aZ[ Cock

\^cZ[ Dick

\^dZ[ Dangle

\^eZ[ Dong

\^fZ[ Schlong

\_gZ[ Johnson

\_YZ[ Cannon

\_\Z[ Flesh Flute

\_^Z[ Hairy Banjo

\__Z[ Knee Buckler

\_aZ[ Throat Scraper

\_cZ[ Ding-Dong-Dangly

\_dZ[ Toilet Parts

\_eZ[ Pee-Pee

\_fZ[ One-Eyed Yogurt Thrower

\agZ[ The Troll

\aYZ[ Purple-Headed Man Monster

\a\Z[ Pecker

\a^Z[ Weiner

\a_Z[ Pressure Washer

\aaZ[ Inchworm

\acZ[ Tool

\adZ[ Pussy Pounder

\aeZ[ Bat

\afZ[ Pelvic Popsicle

\cgZ[ The Oncoming Storm

\cYZ[ Sonic Screwdriver

\c\Z[ The Whip

\c^Z[ Assault Rihe

\c_Z[ Pork Blade

\caZ[ Beef Hammer

\ccZ[ Mjolnir

\cdZ[ Hulk's Fist

\ceZ[ Milk Dripper

\cfZ[ Man Drain

\dgZ[ Excalibur

\dYZ[ Gong-Ringer

\d\Z[ My Manly Popsicle

\d^Z[ Meat Stick

\d_Z[ Pleasure Pogo

\daZ[ Cum Cannon

\dcZ[ Panty Poker

\ddZ[ The Grand Finale

\deZ[ Banana

\dfZ[ Ol' Drippy

\egZ[ Red Headed Throb Monster

\eYZ[ Thunderstick

\e\Z[ Hotrod

\e^Z[ Dongmongulous

\e_Z[ Lightning Catcher

\eaZ[ Thruster

\ecZ[ The Ol' Aim N' Shoot

\edZ[ Salty Steve

\eeZ[ Manly Cigar

\efZ[ Pearl Jamer

\fgZ[ Baby-Maker

\fYZ[ The Oscar Meyer Weenie

\f\Z[ Battle Ax

\f^Z[ The Alpha

\f_Z[ The Omega

\faZ[ Blaster

\fcZ[ Shaft

\fdZ[ Furry Snake

\feZ[ Escape Rope

\ffZ[ Symphony of Regret

^ggZ[ Droopy Baguette With Cheese

^gYZ[ Greasy Fish

^g\Z[ Throbknob

^g^Z[ Philly Cheese-steak

^g_Z[ Pleasure Machine

^gaZ[ The Male Reproductive Organ

^gcZ[ Dirty Mushroom

^gdZ[ Pistol

^geZ[ My Best Friend

^gfZ[ Slytherin

^YgZ[ Red Rocket