Mothers' Perspectives On Signs of Child Sexual Abuse in

Their Families
Jane F. Gilgun & Gwendolyn Anderson

Child sexual abuse can be difficult to detect. Most children tell no one, and they often show no signs of abuse. This
article reports on interviews with mothers of survivors of child sexual abuse. The purpose of the interview research was to
understand mothers' experiences of the signs, the lack of signs, and the signs that made sense once the abuse came to
light. This article is relevant to practice because, first, it shows how difficult child sexual abuse can be to detect, and second,
it shows the shock and devastation that some mothers experience when child sexual abuse occurs in their families. Service
provider sensitivity and attunement are shown to be key to effective practice in this area.

IMPLICATIONS FOR PRACTICE or grandchildren had been sexually abused (Bogdan

• To be effective in work with families where child sexual
abuse has occurred, service providers must be open to
the possibility that mothers may not know of the sexual
abuse that has taken place in their families.
• To be effective in cases of child sexual abuse, service
providers must understand that discovery of child sexual
abuse can be devastating to mothers.
hild sexual abuse can be difficult to detect. Most
& Biklen, 2007). Phenomenological research is consis-
tent with social work's principle of starting where the
clients are. For services to be effective, service provid-
ers must understand the experiences of the persons
they serve (Denzin, 1989).
In this article, we define child sexual abuse as the
misuse of power where someone takes advantage of
children for their own sexual and emotional gratifi-
cation. Perpetrators usually are older and stronger,
and have authority and power in the eyes of children.
When children are of similar ages as perpetrators,

C children tell no one, and those who do may wait

for months or years. Perpetrators rarely come
forward voluntarily. Often there are no signs of the
abuse, while other indicators may be explainable in
more than one way, such as children showing stress
and adults who seem especially interested in par-
ticular children and who may give them expensive
presents. Children who have sexualized behaviors
may raise questions in the minds of parents and other
adults, but some children with these behaviors may
not have been sexually abused, although they typically
have experienced other traumas and are seeking to
self-regulate. Family members often have no clue. For
them, knowledge of sexual abuse comes "out of the
blue." They are shocked and devastated, not only to
learn of possible trauma to children in their families
but also to learn that someone they love and trust has
sexually abused children.
The purpose of this article is to describe women's
understandings of the signs, or lack of signs, of child
sexual abuse in their families during two time periods:
while the abuse was going on and after the abuse came
to light and they had the advantage of hindsight. This
article is based on research interviews with women
whose husbands or life partners had sexually abused
children in their families. The methodology was phe-
nomenological, meaning that its purpose was to un-
derstand the perspectives of mothers whose children
abuse occurs when one child entices, tricks, or forces
other children into sexual acts. The acts are neither
mutually agreed upon nor do they arise from mutual
curiosity. They also are not forms of play (Gilgun, 2011;
Friedrich et al., 2001).
Physical injuries are rare, but child sexual abuse of-
ten results in psychological harm, especially if children
experience other adversities and have few protective
factors in their lives (Anderson, Danis, & Havig, 2011;
Gilgun, 2011). Being abused may lead children to be-
lieve that what they want does not count and that they
themselves do not count. Sexual abuse is an assault on
the self-determination, respect, and worth to which
every human being is entitled. These values are foun-
dational to the Code of Ethics of the National Associa-
tion of Social Workers (NASW, 2008). Mothers can play
a pivotal role in children's recovery from child sexual
abuse (Anderson et al., 2011; Johnson, 1992). Practi-
tioners who have accurate understandings of mothers'
experiences are positioned to offer effective services.
Background
How to know when children have been sexually abused
poses special challenges. Less than half to a third of sur-
vivors disclose the abuse during childhood (Alaggia,
2004; Paine & Hansen, 2002). Those who tell someone
may wait for months or years (London, Brück, Ceci, &

Families in Society. The Journal of Contemporary Social Services 2013, 94(4), 259-267
©2013 Alliance for Children and Families DOI: 10.1606/1044-3894.4324
ISSN: Print 1044-3894; Electronic 1945-1350 259
 FAMILIES IN SOCIETY I Volume 94, No. 4
Shuman, 2005). Research and practice show that chil-
dren hesitate to tell because they are afraid of possible
consequences. Many believe that the abuse makes them
"damaged goods." They don't want others to stigma-
tize them. In addition, child survivors often fear that
their parents will not believe them or will reject them
(Gilgun, 2011; Goodman-Brown, Edelstein, Good-
man, Jones, & Gordon, 2003; Staller & Nelson-Gardell,
2005). They typically are afraid of what might happen
to themselves, their families, and the perpetrators
(Jensen, Gulbrandsen, Mossige, Reichelt, & Tjersland,
2005; Paine & Hansen, 2002), as well as fear breaking
up their families (Gilgun, 2011; Ullman, 2003).
In addition, perpetrators may scare child survivors
into silence (Palmer, Brown, Rae-Grant, & Loughlin,
1999), using means such as manipulation, bribes, and
isolation of children from families (Campbell, 2009;
London et al, 2005). One grandfather figure said to a
7-year-old girl, "If you tell anyone, I will go to jail. If I
go to jail, that will make my wife unhappy. You don't
want to make my wife unhappy, do you?" Concern
over not wanting to make his wife unhappy silenced
the child until the man died 3 years later (Gilgun,
2011). Hershkowitz, Lanes, and Lamb (2007) found
that a third of their sample of children known to have
been sexually abused reported perpetrator threats,
and almost a quarter reported "emotional rewards" for
keeping the abuse secret. In the absence of direct disclo-
sure or obvious signs, sexual abuse can go on for years,
and family members, including mothers and fathers, do
not know (Glgun, 2011; Plummer, 2006).
Considerations in Detecting Sexual Abuse
Indirect signs. When children are silent, they may
signal the effects of sexual abuse through indirect
signs. Sexualized child behaviors, such as frequent
talk about sexual topics or public masturbation that
the children cannot stop when asked, can be indi-
rect signs (Gilgun, 2011; Putnam, 2003; Sink, 1988),
but sexualized behaviors may have causes other than
sexual abuse (Gilgun, 2011). Indirect signs also include
vague statements children make—statements that may
prompt adults to probe further (Alaggia, 2004; Collin-
gs, Griffiths, & Kumalo, 2005; Sink, 1988). In addition,
interactions between children and the persons who
could be abusing them may raise concerns and lead
others to ask children and suspected perpetrators if
abuse is happening (Gilgun, 2011; Carter, 1993; Plum-
mer, 2006).
Following up on suspicions. When family mem-
bers are suspicious that someone is sexually abusing
children, getting at what is happening can be diffi-
cult (Carter, 1993; Sorensen & Snow, 1991). Plummer
(2006) found that nonoffending mothers talked with
suspected perpetrators and the children, watched
250
things more closely, and attempted to gather more
information. On the other hand, some nonoffending
family members refrain from directly asking children
about whether they have been abused because they feel
unprepared, want more evidence, or don't want to cre-
ate unnecessary turmoil when they are unsure wheth-
er their suspicions are correct (Jensen et al., 2005).
Others may feel that they are unable to take action im-
mediately because they arefinanciallyand emotionally
dependent on the persons they suspect of abuse (Bolen
& Lamb, 2004; Lovett, 2004).
Blame of nonoffending mothers. While most chil-
dren do not directly disclose sexual abuse, and the
signs may be ambiguous or nonexistent, many pro-
fessionals expect nonoffending mothers to know that
their children have been sexually abused. They may
assign blame even if mothers state they did not know
(Bolen, 2003; Lovett, 2004). Mothers often blame
themselves and believe that they should have known.
Why mothers are expected to know, while fathers and
other family members are not, may be an example of
unexamined assumptions about the roles of women in
families and society.
In summary, detecting sexual abuse can be difficult.
Perpetrators rarely come forward. Most children do
not tell anyone. Some children show signs of stress that
are associated with many other events besides sexual
abuse. Some children show no signs of the abuse they
have experienced. Research indicates that when moth-
ers suspect that abuse might have occurred, many take
action by talking to the children and the possible per-
petrators. Understanding mothers' perspectives when
they learn about sexual abuse that occurred in their
families is foundational to providing effective services
and in crafting humane policies.
Method
The data for this article are from two different studies.
Study 1 was life history research on adults who had ex-
perienced childhood adversities. This research sought
to identify processes that led to overcoming adversities
and processes that led to the commission of child sexual
abuse and other forms of interpersonal violence (Gil-
gun, 1992,1996a, 1996b, 2002,2006,2008,2010; Gilgun
& Abrams, 2005; Gilgun, Klein, & Pranis, 2000). As the
prime research method of the Chicago School of Soci-
ology, life histories seek to understand lives in context
from the points of view of informants (Bulmer, 1984).
This larger study was composed of 155 individuals, 13
of whom were mothers whose children had experienced
child sexual abuse, and one was a wife whose niece was
a survivor of her husband's abuse. This research was
in-depth, involving an average of seven interviews for
a total interview time of about 10 hours per participant.
 Gilgun & Anderson | Mothers' Perspectives On Signs of Child Sexual Abuse in Their Families
Study 2 involved one 90-minufe inferview fhat
the firsf author conducted with eighf women whose
spouses (seven) or intimate parfner (one) had sexu-
ally abused children in fheir families. This study, like
the life history study, sought to understand women's
perspectives on fhe sexual abuse of children in fheir
families. Seeking fo understand personal perspecfives
is characterisf ic of most forms of qualitative research
and is broadly phenomenological in perspecf ive (Bog-
dan & Biklen, 2007; Bulmer, 1984).
The sample was composed of 14 women from
Sfudy 1 and eight women from Study 2. We combined
fhe fwo sfudies in order fo enlarge fhe number of cases
fo analyze and thus to increase fhe potential for varia-
fions and patferns. In each of the 22 cases, the women
talked in defail about sexual abuse in fheir families
and fhe signs or lack of signs of the abuse. Dafa in fhe
fwo sfudies, fherefore, were comparable. Total inter-
view fime for fhe fwo sfudies was 80 hours. Both sfud-
ies had the approval of an institutional review board of
a research university.
Participants
The fwo sfudies drew upon a volunteer sample recruif-
ed from social service agencies that serve families in
which child sexual abuse occurred. The women had
received services from fhese agencies or were current
service users. Participants in Sfudy 1 were Whife and
from fhe working and middle classes. They ranged in
age from 32 to 46. Ages of children who had been sex-
ually abused ranged from 4 months fo 16 years. Par-
ticipants in Sfudy 2 were women primarily from the
middle and upper classes. Six were Whife, one was Af-
rican American, and one was American Indian. They
were befween fhe ages of 28 and 63. The ages of the
children sexually abused ranged from 10 months fo 14
years. We changed names and identifying information
fo profecf privacy.
Data Coiiection
Daf a collection for Study 1 involved fhe use of an in-
ferview guide fhaf allowed for fhe coverage of similar
fopics across participants but also allowed parficipanfs
fo elaborate on fheir experiences fo fhe degree fhaf
they wished. Topics in each interview included family
history; history of friendships; history of romanf ic re-
laf ionships; history of abuse, neglect, and other adver-
sifies; and educafional and work histories. While fhe
focus was on history fo a large exfenf, fhe inferviews
covered contemporary issues related to the topics of
inferesf. Thus, present-day issues related fo abuse and
neglecf were significant parts of the research. The his-
fory provided a rich context wifh which fo inferpref
presenf evenfs.
Data collection for Sfudy 2 involved a semisfruc-
fured inferview fhaf had someflexibilifyfor wording
of quesfions and for parficipanf elaboration. Quesfions
included: How did you learn abouf the sexual abuse
fhaf occurred in your family? Whaf was your response?
Did you have any suspicions before fhe abuse was con-
firmed? Did any behaviors fhaf occurred while fhe sex-
ual abuse was going on make sense fo you as signs of fhe
abuse after disclosure? Bofh inferview schedules asked
abouf demographics, leisure acf ivif ies, and inf eresf s, nof
only fo build rapporf but also fo provide conf exf s for fhe
inferprefafion of fhe inferview maf erial.
The inferview quesfions in bofh sfudies were de-
signed fo be noncoercive, meaning parficipants did
nof have fo answer any quesfions fhey did nof want to,
fhey could stop falking abouf a fopic if fhey chose, and
fhey could sfop parficipafing in fhe research af any fime
wifhouf penalfy. These inferviews were audio-recorded
and transcribed verbatim.
Data Anaiysis
In fhe analysis of daf a, fhe firsf author read fhe f ran-
scripfs multiple times and coded them for insfances
related to disclosures of child sexual abuse and as-
sociafed signs of fhe abuse, such as how and when
fhe women firsf learned of the abuse or suspected if
was occurring in fheir families, fheir responses, and
fheir reflections on fhe signs of abuse fhey might have
missed, as well as child and perpefrafor behaviors fhaf
fhey did not realize were related to child sexual abuse.
Their inifial and longer-ferm responses and reflecfion
were also coded. The second aufhor independently
read and coded abouf one fhird of fhe franscripfs us-
ing fhis coding scheme fo arrive af 100% agreemenf.
Sources of fhe codes were our professional experi-
ences in fhe area of child sexual abuse, a review of
research, and the firsf aufhor's familiarify wifh fhe
confenf of fhe inferviews, since she had been fhe in-
ferviewer. These codes served as sensifizing concepfs,
which, as Blumer (1954/1969) explained, are ideas
fhaf guide researchers to see aspects of phenomena
fhaf fhey mighf otherwise nof nof ice. Sensifizing con-
cepfs mighf also blind researchers fo ofher aspects
of phenomena fhaf mighf be important. Therefore,
we also used negafive case analysis, which is a pro-
cedure fhat guides researchers fo look for aspecfs of
phenomena fhat contradict or do nof fit with emerg-
ing understandings. Through negafive case analysis,
researchers are positioned fo see pafferns, variafions
wifhin pafferns, excepfions, and confradicfions in
findings (Gilgun, 2005, 2012; Becker, Geer, Hughes,
& Sfrauss 1961; Bogdan & Biklen, 2007; Cressey, 1953;
Lindesmifh, 1947).
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 FAMILIES IN SOCIETY | Volume 94, No. 4
Findings
Through our analysis, we identified several patterns
and variations within the patterns in the signs and lack
of signs of child sexual abuse from the points of view
of the women we interviewed. Furthermore, we docu-
mented tbe shock and devastation that these women
experienced as they learned about the sexual abuse in
their families. Sometimes the women had "no clue"
and knowledge of the abuse came "out of the blue."
In other cases, the mothers had a "funny feeling" that
something was going on based on child and suspected
perpetrator behaviors, such as children's fear of their
husbands and husbands spending long periods of time
in the bathroom alone with the children. Once the
women found out about the abuse, they expressed guilt
for not knowing. Many said that, in light of their ex-
periences, they understand how sexual abuse can take
place in families without family members realizing it.
"No Clue"
Several women had no clue that persons in their families
were sexually abusing children. Knowledge of the abuse
came out of the blue. Frieda's case is typical. Frieda saw
no signs during the abuse and no child or adult behav-
iors that retrospectively were related to sexual abuse.
This is how Frieda learned about the abuse.
My daughter told me. She just told me. She just said,
"Mom, I need to talk." She said that my husband
Stan, who was her stepfather, was touching her
sexually, a year and a half ago. She was probably
about 14,14 and a half.
Amy was a top student in school, active in extracur-
ricular activities, and college bound. Frieda noticed no
signs of stress in Amy and nothing sexualized between
her and Stan. She described the relationship between
Stan and Amy.
I had no clues. Even looking back now, I mean they
were—people just thought that Amy was his daughter.
They were just two peas in a pod. He started golf
probably when she was, I don't know, 6. At 10,1 said,
"Let's get you into something." She decided to do golf.
I was hoping tennis, but she took golf. They did golf
together all the time. I just had no idea. Now, looking
back, the only thing that I see is that he was really
controlling of me, of me, of Amy, everything.
Other women also had no idea. Isabel, the mother of
three daughters, had a similar experience. What's strik-
ing about Isabel's case was her status as a child advocate
and trainer in the area of child sexual abuse. Despite her
professional expertise, she saw no indicators of sexual
262
abuse in her family. Her husband, Harold, sexually
abused her oldest daughter, 16-year-old Susan.
I did training for law enforcement throughout the
state, nationally, and internationally on sex assault,
domestic violence, child abuse, all ofthat stuff. I
mean, it didn't even cross my mind that it could
even occur [in my family].
Despite her professional knowledge, Isabel had no clue
from either her husband's or her daughter's behaviors
that sexual abuse was going on in her family. Susan
told her the abuse took place when Isabel was away do-
ing training nationally and internationally.
In retrospect, however, Isabel realized that one of
Susan's behaviors could have been an indicator of sex-
ual abuse. For a short period of time when Susan was
about 10 years old, she used to come out of the "bath-
room naked and walking around upstairs or whatever
without covering." Isabel would tell her, "Susan, honey,
get some clothes—get your bathrobe on." She said this
was her first child, and she didn't know if this was nor-
mal behavior or not.
Like Frieda, Isabel was pleased that her husband had
an apparently good relationship with her daughter.
They went sailing together. He went to her first
concert [when she sang solo for the first time].... I
thought it was just a stepdad. I thought he was being
a dad to my Susan.
In summary, Isabel was an expert trainer and advocate
for survivors of sexual abuse, and she saw no signs in
her own family. Furthermore, she thought her hus-
band and daughter had a good relationship.
In the next case, not only did Betty, a grandmother
of a child her husband Charles sexually abused, have
no clue, but the child survivor's parents had no clue,
either. The child, Marcia, age 8, first told her parents.
Her son and daughter-in-law told Betty right away.
The first thought I had was disbelief. It was all done
in our home, while I was there. Nope, I had no idea.
They'd play hide and seek. He'd help her hide. She
was tiny. He'd get her into places where most kids
couldn't get. I don't know how many times there
were. I think maybe six, seven, in about six months
or a year's time.
Like Frieda, and Isabel, when Betty reflected upon past
behaviors, she wondered about some of Marcia's ac-
tions. She said.
She always gravitated toward the men, and not that
she wasn't a sweet little girl toward me, because she
 Gilgun & Anderson | Mothers' Perspectives On Signs of Chiid Sexuai Abuse in Their Families
always was, but It was just—she'd always sit in the
men's laps. She'd always give them more hugs.
While hindsight is often accurate, neither Betty nor
other family members suspected that grandfather
Charles was sexually abusing Marcia, even while they
noticed Marcia's fondness for men. For these women
and other family members, learning about the sexual
abuse was a shock. When Charles walked in the door
after Betty learned of the abuse, she said, "What have
you been doing to Marcia, you son of a bitch?"
Other women interviewed for this article also saw
no signs. Their stories, while differing in some details
from the cases already discussed, show how unex-
pected and shocking disclosure of sexual abuse can be.
Lorraine, for instance, found a note on her back door
that her 11-year-old daughter Linda was in a shelter
because of incest that her father, Joe, had commit-
ted. Lorraine wasn't sure what incest was. Two years
later, Lorraine thought that Linda's ambivalence to-
ward her father could have been a sign. Even as Linda
grew older, she often sat on Joe's lap to the point where
family and friends asked, "Isn't she a bit old to be do-
ing that?" Lorraine wondered, too. Sometimes Linda
was affectionate toward her father and waited on him,
such as serving him tea after dinner. The negative side
of Linda's ambivalence appeared when Joe was in the
hospital with a life-threatening condition and Linda
refused to visit him.
Lorraine also wondered about Joe's behaviors to-
ward Linda. She said he "catered" to Linda and took
her side in arguments with her younger sister. When
Linda started getting phone calls from boys, Joe would
get angry and tell her to get off the phone. Lorraine
thought he was jealous.
Joy's case is similar to the others in terms of not see-
ing any signs. In retrospect, she realized what many of
her 9-year-old daughter Meg's behaviors meant. Meg
wanted Gerard out of their lives. For instance, Joy, who
worked and went to night school, also got high often.
She said.
Now that I think back, every time that I got high,
she always wanted to sleep with me. I told her no.
You have to sleep in your own bed. I didn't even
know that that was happening then. I was thinking
he was the best person that could ever have been in
our lives, and she was saying, "When is he leaving?
Is he going home? Mom, I don't want you to marry
him." Sometimes she'd say, "I don't like him." I said,
"Why? Why you don't like him?" She'd just say,
"I just don't. I just don't viant you to marry him,"
especially stressing that she didn't want me to marry
him. Even though I let that slide over my head.
Joy expected Meg to "get over it and love him." She
didn't realize that Gerard abused Meg when Joy was
passed out and when she was working or at night school.
An indirect sign that Joy said she missed was the giv-
ing of expensive gifts. Meg wanted a dog. Gerard bought
an expensive purebred dog for Meg without consulting
with Joy. She said, "I still didn't think anything."
Other than signs that made sense once she knew
about the abuse, Joy didn't recall other missed signs
that Gerard was abusing her daughter.
I didn't see anything else that something was going
on. I was just very naïve through the whole—oh,
God, whatever. He was good, I guess. Nothing, no.
"Gut Feelings"
In contrast to the women who had no clue, some
women had "gut feelings" about sexual abuse in their
families. The stories of Eve, Alice, and Kay illustrate
this pattern.
"Something's off." Eve had what she called a "gut
feeling" that something was "off' in her husband
Rick's relationship with her daughter Lily, who was
10 at the time. She first talked to friends. When the
friends said Rick would not do that, she talked to Rick,
who said nothing was going on. After that. Eve no lon-
ger had vague feelings that her husband was sexual
with their daughter. Eour years later, Lily told Eve that
years before. Rick had come into her bedroom at night
and touched her sexually. Then the behaviors stopped.
Lily's account confirmed Eve's gut feelings.
Eve talked to Rick about Lily's memory of abuse. Rick
admitted what he had done. He told Eve that he stopped
abusing Lily after Eve asked him about it. In retrospect.
Eve said she saw no signs of sexual abuse other than her
vague sense of something going on, a sense that prompt-
ed her to talk to Rick in the first place.
Long-term suspicions. Alice, like Eve, had a "gut
feeling" that her husband Bert was sexually abusing
one or both of their daughters, 2-year-old Ellie and
4-year-old Denise, when she first became concerned.
The following are some ofthe behaviors that Alice ob-
served in Denise and Ellie "for a good couple of years."
This was before I knew she had even been molested
where she'd wipe and wipe herself, and she'd stare at
that touet paper. Just stare at it and then throw it in.
Then wipe. She was also afraid too. She was afraid
to go to the bathroom by herself. She always had to
have me come with her. She would stare at it, and
then she'd throw it in. I was like, I can't believe this.
I'd tell my husband this. I said, "I can't believe what
Ellie does. She just keeps wiping herself all the time
when she urinates and stares at it."
263
 FAMILIES IN SOCIETY I Volume 94, No. •
Alice was also concerned that both children were
afraid of Bert. Another sign was when Ellie did one ap-
parently sexualized action.
At one time she [Ellie, the younger daughter] did
grab me in the breast. I knew these are all warning
signs of being molested because I had worked as an
elementary school teacher, and just about every kid
in my classroom had been molested. So I knew all
the warning signs.
Alice's next clue that Bert might be a molester is when
she learned from Bert's sister that Bert had sexually
abused his niece, his sister's daughter, for several years
while the extended family was together for holidays.
Bert's sister said he had molested another niece and
nephew as well. Alice said, "Right away I absolutely
knew then he was molesting the girls." She had sus-
pected it for two years. When she learned about these
molestations, she talked to Bert, who said he had not
abused his niece and nephew, but he had molested
neighborhood girls many years ago.
Dissatisfied with his answers, Alice asked him di-
rectly about sexually abusing their daughters. She re-
ported, "He said, 'No. No. Not at all.'" Alice did not
believe him. She said, "I never trusted him with the
girls alone again." She increased her efforts to protect
her children.
I called lawyers. I called my therapist, got myself
back in counseling, and tried to find out how can I
keep my kids from getting molested.
Alice asked her daughters if their father had sexually
abused them. When they both said no, she became in-
creasingly desperate. She asked them so many times
that her therapist told her not to ask them again. She
said, "I didn't know what to do." She wanted to "take
the kids away," but lawyers told her she couldn't. She
was afraid to take a shower and leave Bert alone with
their daughters. She was afraid to go out of the home
without them.
Bert also used pornography and masturbated over
his clothes while watching television with the family.
Alice asked him to stop, but he didn't. Convinced that
Bert was sexually abusing the children, Alice ignored
her therapist's advice. She once more asked her young-
er daughter, Ellie, then 5, about the abuse. She reported
that she must have asked the question in a way that
Ellie understood.
When she came home this particular day, this voice
inside my head just said ask her if she's seen her dad
naked.... One thing that I'd never thought of was to
ask her if she'd touched anyone's penis.
264
Ellie seemed to understand the question and told Al-
ice that she did touch her father's penis in the shower
when Alice was shopping and otherwise not at home.
Alice then understood Ellie's fear of showers.
Whenever I gave her a bath, she'd get really nervous
and scared and say, "Don't give me a shower. Don't
give me a shower." I'm like, she's 5. When have I ever
given her a shower? You don't give a 5-year-old a
shower. You're always doing the bath thing. I kept
wondering, what is this? Why is she talking about a
shower? Then eventually, on that day, she'd tell me,
oh yeah, she's taken all these showers with him.
In addition, learning that the ahuse took place in the
shower explained why Ellie's hair was always shiny.
Alice said she washed the children's hair every 2 or 3
days, but Ellie's hair looked as if it was washed every
day. As Alice said, "Ellie's hair was immaculate. That's
because he's giving her a shower every day behind my
back when I was gone."
In retrospect, linking shiny hair, fear of showers,
fear of their father, Bert's history of sexually abusing
other children, his use of pornography, and his sexual
behaviors in the presence of his wife and children add
up to indicators of sexual abuse. Yet, these indicators
did not prompt Alice's therapist to report sexual abuse.
They prompted Alice to undertake more than 2 years
of trying to find out what was going on.
Once Alice reported the abuse, she moved to a shel-
ter, divorced her husband, had to sell the house as
part of the divorce, got a job teaching, bought another
house, and remarried. At the time of the interview,
Alice said she needed help with her guilt, which she
described as "beating myself up." She said that "when
you have a gut feeling, it's probably right."
Piecing bits together. Like Alice, Kay pieced to-
gether bits of evidence that led her to believe that her
husband Bill was sexually abusing their 2-year-old son
Kenny and possibly their 1-year-old daughter Kim.
When she was sure of the abuse, she left her husband
with the children under police escort. Kay said she first
started to wonder about Kenny's "odd behavior with
changing diapers." She said to herself, "what is this?"
I really felt, when I would approach the situation,
that I was over-sexualizing it. That's what Bill would
say to me. This is what boys do to boys and basically
to stay out of it.
Kay, however, remained concerned when "my son was
having nightmares and acting this out on his animals."
Like Alice, she became afraid to leave the children alone
with her husband "because they would freak out." Her
husband was controlling, as was Frieda's husband.
 Gilgun & Anderson | Mothers' Perspectives On Signs of Child Sexual Abuse in Their Families
Bill was in business school, so we were away from
all of our families. I kind of lived in a prison. No
phone, no Internet, and no interaction with others.
I could go to the grocery store, but he would keep
the children at home with him so that I would
come back.
One Easter Sunday morning, Kay had proof that led
her to call her parents for help. To her and the police,
the signs were unmistakable.
On an Easter morning, I was making brunch, and
the baby was sleeping. Kenny needed a bath. My
then husband took him into the bath and gave him
a shower. About 40 minutes went past. I knocked on
the door and said, "Hello. We have to eat. We have
to get ready for church." The door was locked. He
was in the shower with the chud. He sent Kenny out
and said he needed to fmish his shower. Kenny was
reenacting what was happening in the bath. So I got
him dressed and thought I can't be seeing this right.
I must be overthinking this, or I'm wrong.
On our way home from church, my husband at the
time admitted what he was doing, but more in an
attitude of that he had enjoyed it and was kind of
bragging about it. I don't know how to explain it
very well. I got so upset with him. He clammed right
up and said, "There's nothing wrong with that."
Kay then had convincing evidence that Bill was sexu-
ally abusing their children. Not only did she witness
activities that led her to suspect, but her husband told
her he had sexually abused their children.
After Bill admitted, she began to fear that he might
kill her.
I had been attacked several times that weekend
in the middle of the night, woken up by him. He
physically dragged me out of bed. I thought the
house was on fire. He had found an email I had sent
to a friend to get help because I felt like something
was wrong. There was a knife in the car that was
missing. He said it was there for my protection. I
just felt this sense of something's wrong. I didn't
know. I just felt very fearful for my own life.
That night, again, after I had said how wrong this
was, he attacked me again. I called my parents—got
up enough nerve to call my parents. They got on the
phone, and they called 911. [The police came.] We
got out of the house.
The police took Kay and her children to a hotel. Her
parents traveled more than 1,000 miles to pick them up
the next day. Despite her terror, Kay acted once she was
sure her husband had sexually abused their children.
Discussion
The women's stories bring to life the issues of how they
learned of the sexual abuse of children in their fami-
lies. Many had no idea that abuse was occurring. Oth-
ers had suspicions that eventually were confirmed. The
stories are of shock, emotional pain, and initial disbe-
lief. The women asked themselves, "How could some-
one I love and trust sexually abuse children in the fam-
ily?" "Why didn't I know about the abuse right away?"
"What did I do wrong?" Some feared for their lives.
The information in this article sensitizes practitioners
to some of the issues surrounding child sexual abuse.
Attunement, open-mindedness, and empathy will set
the stage where family members may feel safe enough
to talk about these shocking, painful issues over which
they have shame and guilt.
Effective practitioners make no assumptions about
mothers and other family members with whom they
work. Instead, they initiate open-ended inquiries
in order to gather information about signs of sexual
abuse and what the abuse means to family members.
They "make room" for stories they don't expect to hear
(Rober, 2011). They want to understand the abuse in
context so they can position themselves to develop
treatment strategies and/or make recommendations
that will promote individual healing and healing of
family relationships that are harmed and broken be-
cause of the abuse.
Practitioners themselves may experience shock, rage,
and disgust. The practice of neutrality, in its therapeu-
tic sense, is important in these cases (Gil & Johnson,
1993; Rober, 2011). Neutrality means that practitioners
maintain their analytic stances while at the same time
they remain attuned not only to service users but also
to themselves. When practicing neutrality, service
providers regulate their own emotional responses in
order to remain emotionally available to service users.
Neutrality also means that service providers remain
open-minded so that they can hear stories that they
may not expect to hear; in other words, to make room
for the unexpected (Rober, 2011). Attunement to in-
ner processes is a form of reflection that can facilitate
the development of trust between service users and
providers. When providers are reflective, they are less
likely to tune out, close down, and otherwise stop lis-
tening to what service users express. When they listen
and hear what service users say, they are more likely to
facilitate the best possible outcomes in difficult situa-
tions (Weingarten, 2012).
Research shows that recovery from sexual abuse
is enhanced when mothers are psychologically and
265
 FAMIÜES IN SOCIETY | Volume 94, No. 4
emofionally available fo child survivors (Anderson ef
al., 2011; Johnson, 1992). Affuned and sensifive service
providers may enhance mofhers' sensifivify, affun-
emenf, and psychological and emotional availabilify
fo fheir children. Blame of mofhers, as somefimes is
fhe case, is counferproducfive and makes fhings worse
because mofhers often blame fhemselves and have al-
ready experienced significanf losses. Mofhers may be-
come preoccupied wifh shame and guilt and fhus be-
come emofionally unavailable fo child survivors af fhe
fime when survivors need fhem fhe mosf. In addifion,
mofhers may need assisfance wifh finding safe hous-
ing, financial assisfance, reliable child care, and men-
fal healfh services for fheir children and fhemselves.
This is fhe case when women leave fhe family home in
order fo gef away from perpefrafors.
In many ways, we know lif f le abouf whaf child sexual
abuse means fo child survivors, mofhers, perpef rafors,
and ofher family members. We also know liffle abouf
how service providers inferacf wifh families and chil-
dren where sexual abuse has occurred. A fruitful av-
enue of research is fo seek fhe points of view of family
members and pracfifioners, nof only abouf child sex-
ual abuse ifself, buf how family members experience
fhe services fhaf fhey are offered and how pracfifioners
experience providing fhe services. Ofher imporfanf
quesfions include fhe suifabilify and efFecfiveness of
fhese services, and whefher and how family members
respond fo fhese services. Longer-ferm follow-up on
individual and family functioning, factors associafed
wifh resilience in fhe face of child sexual abuse, and
whefher and how family relafionships are repaired or
nof would also enhance knowledge for pracfice.
In summary, child sexual abuse is difficulf fo defecf.
Signs may be direcf, indirecf, or absenf. Mofhers may
reinferpref child and perpetrator behaviors as indi-
cators of sexual abuse once fhe abuse comes fo lighf.
Individual and family recovery is difficulf in many
circumsfances, buf sensifive, responsive, and affuned
service providers posifion fhemselves to facilitate fhe
best possible outcomes.
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Manuscript received: October 19, 2012
Revised: February 1, 2013
Accepted: March 15, 2013
Disposition editor: Susan E. Mason
267
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