HERO

HERO All right Ursula, as Beatrice arrives,

Now, Ursula, when Beatrice doth come, we’ll be walking up and down this

As we do trace this alley up and down, alley and speaking about nothing but

Our talk must only be of Benedick. Benedick. Whenever I mention him,

When I do name him, let it be thy part praise him more than any man

To praise him more than ever man did merit. deserves. It’ll be my job to talk about

My talk to thee must be how Benedick how Benedick is sick with love for

Is sick in love with Beatrice. Of this matter Beatrice. We’ll make our arrows the

Is little Cupid’s crafty arrow made, same way Cupid does: with gossip and

That only wounds by hearsay. rumor.

Enter BEATRICE , behind BEATRICE enters, behind.

Now begin, Let’s start. See, Beatrice has run over

For look where Beatrice like a lapwing runs like a little bird, keeping close to the

Close by the ground, to hear our conference. ground and trying to overhear us.

URSULA URSULA

(aside to HERO) (speaking so that only HERO can

The pleasant’st angling is to see the fish hear) The best part of fishing is

Cut with her golden oars the silver stream watching the fish cut through the water

And greedily devour the treacherous bait. and greedily take the bait. Now we’re

So angle we for Beatrice, who even now fishing for Beatrice, who’s hiding right

Is couchèd in the woodbine coverture. now in the honeysuckle arbor. Don’t

Fear you not my part of the dialogue. worry, I’ll do my part.

HERO HERO

(aside to URSULA) (speaking so that only URSULA can

Then go we near her, that her ear lose nothing hear) Then let’s get closer, so she can

Of the false sweet bait that we lay for it.— hear all the false, sweet bait we’re

(approaching the bower) setting for her.— (approaching the

No, truly, Ursula, she is too disdainful. bower) No, truly, Ursula, she’s too

I know her spirits are as coy and wild scornful. She’s as devious and fierce as

As haggards of the rock. the wild hawks on the rocks.

URSULA URSULA

But are you sure But are you sure that Benedick loves

That Benedick loves Beatrice so entirely? Beatrice that much?

HERO

HERO That’s what the Prince and my fiancé

So says the Prince and my new-trothèd lord. say.

URSULA

URSULA And did they ask you to tell Beatrice

And did they bid you tell her of it, madam? about this, madam?

HERO HERO

They did entreat me to acquaint her of it, They did want me to tell her, but I
 persuaded them that, if they truly loved

But I persuaded them, if they loved Benedick, Benedick, they would try to get him to

To wish him wrestle with affection battle his emotions and keep Beatrice

And never to let Beatrice know of it. in the dark.

URSULA URSULA

Why did you so? Doth not the gentleman Why did you do that? Doesn’t

Deserve as full as fortunate a bed Benedick deserve as much luck with a

As ever Beatrice shall couch upon? mate as he would have with Beatrice?

HERO

By the god of love, I know that he

HERO deserves all that a man might possess.

O god of love! I know he doth deserve But Nature never made a woman’s

As much as may be yielded to a man, heart as proud and tough as Beatrice’s.

But Nature never framed a woman’s heart There is scorn and disdain in her eyes,

Of prouder stuff than that of Beatrice. and those sparkling eyes despise

Disdain and scorn ride sparkling in her eyes, everything they look upon. She values

Misprizing what they look on, and her wit her wit more highly than anything else,

Values itself so highly that to her which looks weak by comparison.

All matter else seems weak. She cannot love She’s so in love with herself, she’s

Nor take no shape nor project of affection incapable of loving anyone else. She

She is so self-endeared. can’t even imagine what “love” is.

URSULA URSULA
Sure, I think so, Yes, you’re right. It would be bad if

And therefore certainly it were not good she knew about Benedick’s love and

She knew his love, lest she make sport at it. teased him about it.

HERO

Why, you speak truth. I never yet saw man,

How wise, how noble, young, how rarely featured

But she would spell him backward. If fair-faced, HERO

She would swear the gentleman should be her sister; It’s true. Whenever she meets a man—

If black, why, Nature, drawing of an antic, no matter how wise, noble, young,

Made a foul blot; if tall, a lance ill-headed; handsome—she rearranges all his good

If low, an agate very vilely cut; qualities so they end up looking bad. If

If speaking, why, a vane blown with all winds; he has a fair complexion, she’ll say the

If silent, why, a block moved with none. pretty man should be her sister, not her

So turns she every man the wrong side out husband. If he’s dark-skinned, Nature

And never gives to truth and virtue that must have spilled some ink while

Which simpleness and merit purchaseth. drawing his foolish face. If he’s tall,

she’ll say he’s a spear topped by an

odd head; if he’s short, she says he

looks like a badly carved miniature. If

he’s talkative, he’s a weathervane,

moving in all directions at once; if he’s

silent, he’s a block that can’t be moved

at all. And so she turns men inside out

 and never acknowledges the integrity

and merit that a man has.

URSULA

URSULA It’s true, her nitpicking is hardly

Sure, sure, such carping is not commendable. admirable.

HERO

No, it certainly is not admirable to be

so perverse and eccentric. But who

HERO would dare tell her? If I said

No, not to be so odd and from all fashions something, she’d mock me so

As Beatrice is, cannot be commendable. mercilessly that I’d probably

But who dare tell her so? If I should speak, disintegrate into air. She’d laugh me

She would mock me into air. O, she would laugh me right out of my body and kill me with

Out of myself, press me to death with wit. her wit.

So Benedick should conceal his

emotions. Like a fire that gets covered

up, Benedick should smother his love

Therefore let Benedick, like covered fire, and waste away. It would be better to

Consume away in sighs, waste inwardly. die that way than to die from being

It were a better death than die with mocks, mocked, which is as bad as being

Which is as bad as die with tickling. killed by tickling.

URSULA URSULA
 But you should tell her about this, and

Yet tell her of it. Hear what she will say. hear what she has to say.

HERO

HERO No, instead I’ll go to Benedick and

No, rather I will go to Benedick advise him to fight his emotions. I’ll

And counsel him to fight against his passion; make up some awful things about my

And truly I’ll devise some honest slanders cousin and ruin her reputation. You

To stain my cousin with. One doth not know don’t know how quickly affection can

How much an ill word may empoison liking. be killed with a single nasty word.

URSULA

URSULA Oh, don’t injure your cousin like that!

O, do not do your cousin such a wrong! With the quick, intelligent wit she’s

She cannot be so much without true judgment, rumored to have, she can’t really be

Having so swift and excellent a wit such a bad judge of character that

As she is prized to have, as to refuse she’d refuse a man as exceptional as

So rare a gentleman as Signior Benedick. Signior Benedick.

HERO HERO

He is the only man of Italy, He’s the only worthy man in Italy,

Always excepted my dear Claudio. aside from my dear Claudio.

URSULA URSULA
 Don’t be angry with me for speaking

I pray you, be not angry with me, madam, my mind, but throughout Italy,

Speaking my fancy. Signor Benedick, Benedick is considered the best man in

For shape, for bearing, argument and valor, looks, bearing, intelligence, and

Goes foremost in report through Italy. bravery.

HERO HERO

Indeed, he hath an excellent good name. True, he has an excellent reputation.

URSULA

And he deserves it, having been

URSULA excellent before he had a reputation for

His excellence did earn it, ere he had it. it. When are you getting married,

When are you married, madam? madam?

HERO

HERO Tomorrow, and then every day after

Why, every day, tomorrow. Come, go in. that. Come on, let’s go inside. I want

I’ll show thee some attires, and have thy counsel to show you some clothing, so you can

Which is the best to furnish me tomorrow. tell me what I should wear tomorrow.

They move aside from the bower They move away from the bower.

URSULA URSULA

(aside to HERO) (speaking so that only HERO can

She’s limed, I warrant you. We have caught her, hear) We caught her in our trap,

madam. madam, I’m sure of it.

HERO

(speaking so that only URSULA can

HERO hear) If so, then you never know

(aside to URSULA) where love will come from. Cupid gets

If it proves so, then loving goes by haps; some lovers with arrows, but some he

Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps. lays traps for!

Exeunt HERO and URSULA Everyone but BEATRICE exits.