Michael Stenzel

Ms. Crisler
Writing 2: MW from 8:00 - 9:50 a.m.
22 March 2023
WP1 Revision Matrix
Initial Text from Catalyst: New Text: Reason and Impact
WP: of Change:

1. No initial text WP1 feedback from Around the world, The added text
Ms. Crisler. The diverse cruise lines represents a hook that
feedback stated that take people on allows my paper to
my introduction memorable vacations begin by grabbing
“doesn’t do much to in aquatic readers’ attention.
grab” the “reader’s environments.
attention.”

2. I believe that this WP1 feedback from This goal was The removal of “I
goal was Ms. Crisler. I was accomplished by believe that” allows
accomplished by told that “‘I believe’ changing the me to argue why my
changing the statements . . . information’s author, translation is
information’s author, weaken” the audience, and tone. effective. In other
audience, and tone. “argument.” words, I avoid merely
stating an opinion.

3. No initial text WP1 feedback from Along with author This sentence serves
Ms. Crisler. I was and audience, tone as a transition
told to “keep working was an aspect of sentence. It allows
on transitions, Carnival’s site that my body paragraph
especially between needed to be changed. about author and
paragraphs.” audience to flow into
the next one about
tone. Transition
sentences put my
body paragraphs in a
specific order, adding
an unchangeable
structure to the paper.

4. Carnival, through Joe Glaser’s book, Carnival, using these The paper becomes
the use of these Understanding Style: words, describes the more concise and
words, describes the Practical Ways to features of Carnival direct when I change
features of Carnival Improve Your Sunrise with a joyful, “through the use of”
Sunrise with a joyful, Writing, inspired this excited tone. to “using.”
excited tone. change. In Lesson 6,
titled “Concision,”
 Glaser says to
“replace a phrase with
a word” when
possible (60).

5. No initial text WP1 feedback from When people These are now the
Ms. Crisler. I was purchase vacations, last sentences of my
told that my they feel excited and paper. They serve to
conclusion needed look forward to the sum up the purpose of
“sparkle,” which adventure. The use of my travel guide in a
could be achieved an informative travel creative way.
through the addition guide, like the one I
of a jump-off point. built, allows for
travelers to find
worthwhile activities
and create everlasting
memories.

6. No initial text “How To Write An People who complete Within my paper, I

Introduction” handout specific vacations repeatedly explain
by the University of sometimes build how my translation
North Carolina at travel guides, and the achieves the purpose
Chapel Hill. This purpose of these of a travel guide. This
handout describes guides is to give sentence includes the
how an introduction travelers advice about purpose of the travel
should serve as a the trips. guide in the
“roadmap” for every introduction’s road
part of the paper that map.
will be discussed.

7. While exploring Lesson 6, While exploring The word “had” does

travel websites, I “Concision,” in Joe travel websites, I not contribute
found a cruise that I Glaser’s found a cruise that I meaning to the
completed before. Understanding Style: completed before. sentence. Removing
Practical Ways to “had” makes the
Improve Your sentence more
Writing. concise.

8. No initial text Laura Bolin Carroll’s The site later I use the word
“Backpacks vs. includes, “we think “author” when
Briefcases: Steps you see by now analyzing who wrote
Toward Rhetorical that . . . you’ll find a the Carnival website.
Analysis.” This day aboard Carnival However, this piece
chapter from Writing Sunrise full of of evidence includes
Spaces: Readings on amazing ways to have the word “we.”
Writing advises its fun” (“5 Day Therefore, I will use
 readers to consider Eastern”). this piece of evidence
context when to describe how the
analyzing a piece site is written by
rhetorically (48). more than a single
Carnival employee.

9. Because this is the Lesson 4, “Cohesion The first excerpt is In the initial text, the
beginning of a ship and Coherence,” in the beginning of a word “this” is not
description, it is Joe Glaser’s ship description, so it clearly defined. The
evident that the site’s Understanding Style: is evident that the sentence was meant
author works for Practical Ways to site’s author works to elaborate on the
Carnival. Improve Your for Carnival. first of two pieces of
Writing. The lesson evidence above it. To
discusses how an make this clear, I
individual sentence’s included “first
cohesion contributes excerpt.”
to the coherence of a
group of sentences
(40).

10. No initial text Sandra L. Giles’ However, the second Because I added
“Reflective Writing excerpt’s use of “we” another piece of
and the Revision reveals that evidence to this
Process: What Were Carnival’s site is paragraph, I self-
You Thinking.” This written, reviewed, reflected and knew
chapter, from Writing and processed by that I needed to
Spaces: Readings on multiple members of explain how the
Writing, emphasizes the company. evidence supports my
“self-reflective argument. Overall, I
thinking” (202). figured out that
Carnival’s site does
not contain a single
author.

11. Additionally, the Lesson 1, Additionally, the This sentence is

word “everybody” “Understanding word “everybody,” in underneath two
reveals that the site’s Style,” in Joe the first excerpt, different sentences of
audience is the Glaser’s reveals that the site’s evidence. The words
general public. Understanding Style: audience is the “in the first excerpt”
Practical Ways to general public. add clarity to the
Improve Your sentence, as it is clear
Writing. This lesson which piece of
discusses clarity in evidence the word
writing (1). “everybody” is in.

12. Therefore, travel Lesson 6, Therefore, travel I changed “do not

guides do not contain “Concision,” in Joe guides lack a tone contain” to “lack,”
a tone that is strictly Glaser’s that is strictly making the sentence
positive. Understanding Style: positive. more concise.
Practical Ways to
Improve Your
Writing. The chapter
discusses the
compressing of
sentences (58).

13. While Carnival Lesson 6, While Carnival The “point of view”

relies on the second “Concision,” in Joe mainly relies on the at the end of the
and third person Glaser’s second and third sentence was
points of view when Understanding Style: person points of view redundant, so I
describing its Practical Ways to when describing its removed it. In
vacation, I needed to Improve Your vacation, I needed to addition, I added
incorporate more of Writing. The chapter incorporate more of “mainly” to
the first person point discusses how to the first person. emphasize that
of view. avoid redundancies although Carnival
(59). relies on the second
and third person point
of views, a small
amount of first person
does exist.

14. No initial text Santa Barbara City Like with formatting, This sentence
College’s transition travel guides differ transitions from a
handout describes from Carnival’s site paragraph about
how transitions unite in terms of point of formatting to a
parts of a paper view. paragraph about point
together (1). of view.

15. My goal was to Santa Barbara City Overall, my goal was The addition of
translate Carnival’s College’s transition to translate Carnival’s “overall” helps
vacation package into handout explains how vacation package into transition into my
a travel guide. transitions can be a travel guide. concluding
used to conclude (2). paragraph.
 WP2 Revision Matrix
Initial Text from Catalyst: New Text Reason and Impact
WP: (Changed): of Change:

1. Ibid WP2 feedback from Ibid, 2997 This change allows

Ms. Crisler. I was readers to find where
told that a page the footnote’s
number should be corresponding quote
after “ibid.” can be found in the
article.

2. For example, the Lesson 6, For example, the data Because I replaced
data could have been “Concision,” in Joe could have been “due to the fact that”
influenced by Glaser’s influenced by with “because,” the
“elements of bias” Understanding Style: “elements of bias” sentence is more
due to the fact that it Practical Ways to because it was “self- concise and to the
was “self-reported.” Improve Your reported.” point.
Writing. The lesson
states, “replace a
phrase with a word”
(60).

3. This is because Lesson 6, This is because The word “everyone”

experiments cannot “Concision,” in Joe experiments cannot is more concise than
include each Glaser’s include everyone on the words “each
individual on earth. Understanding Style: earth. individual.”
Practical Ways to
Improve Your
Writing. The main
idea of this chapter is
shortening sentences.

4. . . . childrens’ The WP1 prompt had . . . children’s social Changing the

social media usage. the word “children's” media usage. apostrophe’s location
in it. I noticed that the makes the word’s
apostrophe comes punctuation correct.
before the “s.”

5. When I downloaded Petrova, The addition of a

Petrova, Maria, my google doc as a Maria, Ananya Sen, hanging indent
Ananya Sen, and word doc, the and Pinar Yildirim. correctly formats my
Pinar Yildirim. hanging indents for “Social Media and citation.
“Social Media and each citation Political
Political disappeared. Contributions: The
Contributions: The Impact of New
Impact of New Technology on
Technology on Political
Political Competition.”
Competition.” Management Science
Management Science 67, no. 5 (2021):
67, no. 5 (2021): 2997–3021.
2997–3021.

6. Petrova and her WP2 feedback from Petrova and her The moving of the
research partners used Ms. Crisler. I was research partners used footnote allows my
the “Federal Election told that footnote the “Federal Election evidence to follow
Commission’s (FEC) numbers go at the end Commission’s (FEC) Chicago-Style.
data on campaign of the sentence. data on campaign
spending”8 to collect spending” to collect
data on the amount of data on the amount of
donations received by donations received by
specific politicians. specific politicians.9

7. …Tandon and the PB3 Project Proposal …Tandon et al. … The use of et al.
other researchers… feedback. I was told makes the sentence
to replace “and the less wordy. Also, et
other researchers” al. matches the
with et al. footnote entry at the
bottom of the page.

8. The studies WP2 feedback from The studies within the The thesis centers my
conducted within the Ms. Crisler. I was psychology and argument around the
psychology and told that my thesis did political science fact that each study
political science not unify my smaller articles were was completed for a
articles differ, and arguments. conducted for different purpose. It is
unique aspects of the different purposes, because of these
writing styles can be making each different purposes
analyzed in four discipline’s writing that each discipline
categories: purpose, style unique in terms has unique evidence
evidence and of evidence and and limitations, tone,
limitations, tone, and limitations, tone, and and jargon. My
jargon. jargon. smaller arguments are
now connected to the
differences in
purpose.

9. The psychology Lesson 6, The psychology and I replaced “can be

and political science “Concision,” in Joe political science identified through an
disciplines write with Glaser’s disciplines write with examination of” with
different tones, and Understanding Style: different tones, and “are visible within,”
further differences Practical Ways to further differences are making the wording
can be identified Improve Your visible within the simpler and concise.
through an Writing. The chapter jargon used by each.
examination of the focuses on rewriting
jargon used by each. sentences in a more
simple, concise way.

10. Social media I recognized that Social media provides Because “to
provides a simple and “communicate” and a simple and efficient communicate” and
efficient way for “exchange way for individuals to “exchange
individuals to information” mean exchange information” mean
communicate and the same. This is information. the same, I removed
exchange inspired by Lesson 6, “to communicate.”
information. “Concision,” in Joe This removes words
Glaser’s that are not needed.
Understanding Style:
Practical Ways to
Improve Your
Writing.

11. As platforms I noticed that “grow” As platforms grow, The verbs “grow” and
grow, the lives of and “are the lives of “transform” match in
individuals and transforming” do not individuals and tense, allowing the
functions of match in tense. functions of sentence to flow.
organizations are organizations
transforming. transform.

12. Although the I read “article’s Although the primary This change allows
primary audience of negative effects” and audience of this readers to understand
this article is thought I was unclear. article is that “negative
psychologists, the A reader may psychologists, the effects” are discussed
authors want the interpret this as the authors want the in the article and not a
public to be aware of article having public to know the result of the article.
the article’s negative negative effects on negative effects of
effects of social people. social media usage
media usage. within their article.

13. In order to I noticed that my In order to achieve Because the

achieve their specific topic sentence specific purposes, the paragraph only
purposes, the includes both discipline of discusses the
disciplines of disciplines, but the psychology writes psychology
psychology and body paragraph only with unique evidence. discipline’s use of
political science write discusses psychology. evidence, removing
with different forms A separate paragraph political science
of evidence. discusses political makes the topic
science’s evidence. sentence clearly
define what the body
paragraph will
 discuss.

14. Tandon et al. The words “that” and Tandon et al. These changes
gathered data that “was” are not needed. gathered data decrease the
demonstrated the They make the demonstrating the sentence’s wordiness.
negative effects of sentence wordy. This negative effects of
social media usage change was inspired social media usage
and was by Lesson 6, and representing the
representative of the “Concision,” in Joe general public.
general public. Glaser’s
Understanding Style:
Practical Ways to
Improve Your
Writing.

15. These researchers After changing my These researchers The addition of

acknowledge that the thesis, explaining acknowledge that the “achieve their
data gathered to help how the jargon data gathered to help purpose” connects the
answer this question between disciplines achieve their purpose psychology
may have been differ due to unique and answer this discipline’s purpose
affected by “common purposes, I needed to question may have to its used jargon.
method bias (CMB).” change my been affected by This allows my
commentary “common method commentary to
sentences. bias (CMB).” support my thesis.