Acceptance verses Forgiveness

Acceptance:
Acceptance is a responsible, authentic response to a betrayal or injury
when the offender is not available (not willing to or can't) to engage in-an
aciive process of reconciliation. lt's a self healinq process in which nothing
is asked of from the offender.

Genuine Forgiveness:
ls when the oflender is willing to invest in the hard work of repentance and
restitution while the huri pafty will work hard at letiing go of resentments
and the need for revenge. This is a process that both parties actively work
together to repair all aspects of the injury.

Assumptions we make about forgiveness:

1) To be a 'good person'we need to forgive those who betrayed or hurt us.
2) Other assumptions we carry:

Cheap Forgiveness:
In order to feel relief, we move too quickly to say "we forgive,,withoui fully
undersianding the impact of the betrayal(s) or trurt(s). lt'i an easy parclon with no
processing of the emotions or coming to terms of the effecis. Often it results
ivhen people are invested in 'making peace' as oppose io resolution. Often the
hun parly'forgives'witlrout asking for anyihing in'return. This results in the
building of unspoken resentments and internal conflicts.

Refusing to Forgive:
This occurs when the offender is rvilling to engage in the process of owning iheir
behavior and the offended is more invesied in notcling onto the huri and anger.
Often times the offended is investeci in wanting to punish the offender forever
even if there's a cost to them. When this occurs, we need to ask ourselves: "What
are we gaining by siaying invesied in the hurt?,, [s it:

i) Increase sense of power over ihe ofiender?

2)A need to stay ioentifiecj as a victirn?
3) A fear of the unknoln?
4) Oil-rer reasons:

Steps toward Acceptance:

1) Honor the full range of emotions related to one,s injury.
2) Willingness to give up the neecj for revenge but is vrilling to seek
resolution.
 3) willingness to stop obsessing about the injury and wiilingness to re-
engage in life.
4) Willing to protect oneself from further abuse.
5) willingness to frame the offender's behavior in terms of his issues.
6) For offended to look honestly at their own contribution, if any, to the
injury.
7) Challenge false assumptions aboui what happened.
B) separate out the behavior and offense from the person who offended.
e) carefully decide if, and if so, what kind of relationship the offended
wants with the offender.
10) Forgive themselves for their own human-ness.

Fo IVETIESS:
Process involving both parties
Offender needs to have the good will to
make the effort to actively make
amends for betrayal
This is an ongoing process that only
ends when the betrayed party feels that
all of the issues related to the betrayal
have been addressed, acknowledqed.
Both parties are able to respect
whatever boundaries are set forth in
order to fully address the betrayal.
Betrayed pafiy actively asks for things
to assist in resolving betrayal and the
offender actively meets those needs
Betrayed pafty and offender aciively
challenge assumptions ihat prevent
them from making meaningful repairs.
A cceptance
Betrayed pafty can resolve (make
peace with) the betrayal without the
engagement of the offender.
Betrayed party actively identifies the
issues and can create iheir own
process of making peace without
forgiveness.
Betrayed party can be released from
obsessive pre-occupation with the
offender or offense.
Allows the betrayed parly to
understand the offender's misireatment
in terms of the offender's personal
damage or limitaiions, as opposed to
the betrayed party.
Betrayed party asks nothing from the
offender.

Oflender makes an effective apology.

Offender aciively seeks to understand

their offense in order to never repeat
tlre offense aqain.
Both parties work to earn back trust.
What are the assumptions that prevent us from making repairs or
healing?

i) Assumption: lf I forgive you then the offense is less profound.

2) Assumption: If I let go of my anger than l'll get hurt again.
3) Assumption:

Acceptance Exercise:

1) ldentify on person who has hurt you in a significant way?

2) What has this person done to hurt you?

3) What have you done to make peace with yourself around it?

4) What pieces of healing are still pending?

5) Whai may be keeping the process of accepiance stuck (if anything)?

6) What would you have to let go of in order to come io a place of

acceptance?

7) What could you imagine you would gain?